#i am trying my best i think but i forget this app exists a lot

[idontlikeem]

i'd like to talk about grieving, a little bit. as in the past, discussions of death and cancer below the cut, don't read if this will hurt you, etc....i'm having a bad day and i just need to stream of consciousness for a little bit. sorry.

so my mom died. if you've read my personal posts before or whatever, you probably figured that out. it happened on thursday february 15th around noon. luckily we had a bit of notice that it was coming, so i was able to drive down the saturday prior and spend time with her—three full days where she was pretty much still herself, and part of a fourth.

it's been a really hard month. like, obviously. but i think a part of me still wasn't quite ready for it. i don't know how.

my mom was first diagnosed with breast cancer in fall 2011. she had a mastectomy and went through chemo, and that was hard and scary, but it was i think technically considered stage one—a tumor that was definitely growing fast, but it hadn't spread out of the area, like not to her lymph nodes or anything, and with the treatment she went almost ten years totally symptom-free. right at the start of the pandemic, the cancer came back, but this time it was already stage four, and it was in her abdomen and uterus and intestines.

there was a time when we weren't sure she'd live more than a year. endometrial and other reproductive cancers aren't 'sexy' like breast cancer is, they're not widely studied and there aren't a lot of treatment options. when she had breast cancer i hated 'save the boobies' campaigns (and please never donate to susan komen), but now that my family has lived with another type of cancer that doesn't have tits as a draw, i hate them even more.

my mom made it four years, pretty much, since the first diagnosis. she did chemo, and radiation, and went on medication trials, and put her body through hell to try and fight it. she lived longer than i think any of us thought she would.

the problem with that is how long i've been existing in a state of grief.

i've had years to prepare for this. i've thought about it literally thousands of times—how i'd feel, how i'd tell people, what i'd do after. i pictured it, because i was trying to plan. i was trying to get myself ready.

turns out pre-grieving isn't real. turns out you can't get this pain out of the way by experiencing it in advance. much to my chagrin. i'm not sure there was a way to avoid it, though. so here i am, with four years of grief behind me, and not one second of it has made what's going on now any easier.

some days i forget. every time i'm on twitter or instagram, there are posts i want to send her, and then i don't know what to do with myself. for all that my relationship with her had its hard times, she was my mom, she was my best friend. i love her more than anything and i don't know what to do with myself now that she's gone.

i've been sort of just surviving for the last four weeks. my apartment is a mess, i'm barely leaving, i haven't been good at responding to people. so today i thought i'd at least clean up a little. i'd gone to target a day or two before i drove down to my parents', and i figured i would start with those bags, because they were just sitting there.

i'd forgotten that i bought valentine's day cards for my whole family that i wanted to send. one for each of my brothers, one for my dad, one for my mom. i never sent them, obviously, i didn't even bring them with me. i burst into tears when i pulled them out of the bag, and i've been crying pretty much all day since then. i'm never going to pick out a card for my mom ever again.

i also have a notes app file sitting on my phone. she wrote each of us letters, and my dad sent them out to us, but i haven't been able to open mine yet. it's the last new thing she'll ever say to me. how could i possibly be ready for that? how do i know when the right time to read that will be?

one thing my mom wanted was to die at home. she didn't want it to be in a hospital, and i get it. she spent a month in the hospital after christmas, and god knows how much time cumulatively over the last four years. the fact that she was able to push to get home is something i don't understand, because she was so sick—but she did it somehow. she was able to die in her bed.

and i was with her. like. i wasn't just at home, i was with her.

something they don't tell you about having someone die is you have to start arranging stuff before it actually happens. when we woke up on the 15th, we knew it was only a matter of time—her eyes weren't all the way open and her breath was labored, and she couldn't talk, although at first she still tried to say stuff. we sat there with her and kept her company and talked to her. hospice came by around 11 or 11:30, i don't even remember, and said that based on whatever measurements or readings they take (pupils? breathing? i don't know), it would be between 4-8 hours, and he recommended that my dad call the funeral home. because you have to do that first.

so my youngest brother was driving down from where he lives, my middle brother was in his room, my dad was in his room on the phone, and i stayed with her, because....well, of course, right? and i was just kind of talking, and crying, but trying not to...i don't know, beg her to stay? ask for more time? the nurse said she could still hear, they're pretty sure that hearing and understanding what's being said is the last thing to go, and i didn't want her to feel bad or guilty, or to hurt herself in an effort to stay longer even though there's nothing more that i've ever wanted in my life.

so i told her, you know, we'll be okay. it's going to be unbearably sad, and it's going to suck, but all the stuff we did as a family with her—we'll still do it. and we'll be okay. and there's nothing more important to us than her not hurting anymore, not being miserable and stuck and just...not herself. all that matters to us right now is her, and she didn't have to worry about us, because we'd be okay.

and she took in a breath. there was a pause. she took in another one. and she stopped. that was it.

i didn't even realize at first, not right the second it happened. the hospice booklet had talked about a 'death rattle', about how it happens almost all the time, but that it's more distressing for the people with the person dying than them, that they're not in pain. how the fuck would they know that, i'm not sure i believe it, but...it's what i was expecting. that didn't happen, though. she just stopped breathing.

the amount of guilt i felt for my dad being out of the room...i don't know if that will ever leave me. he said it was ok, because he was having to deal with stuff, and he'd spent a lot of time with her and it was fine, but jesus. how do i not feel like i stole that from him?

i've felt like a shell ever since. i'm back where i live, and i'm getting up and going to work and taking care of my dog and trying to stay connected to life, but...i don't know.

how is it that she's gone? how is this possible? how am i supposed to go the rest of my life without her?

i had four years to get ready for this, and i wasn't. i don't think there's any way i really could have been, but still. it doesn't seem fair that it was so hard for so long, and for NOTHING. nothing is easier now.

i'm sick of feeling sad, and hurt. i feel like i should be over it or something? i don't know, maybe just less actively affected? it's been a month. people's parents die all the time, right?

what am i supposed to do?

#personal

[hopetorun]

22, 24, 25!

sorry for the delayed response, i spent today reading an entire book instead of doing anything useful. i would fight and kill for sebastian malheur. anyway.

22. How organized are you with your writing? Describe to me your organization method, if it exists. What tools do you use? Notebooks? Binders? Apps? The Cloud?

i am probably not as organized as i would benefit from being! i generally start things in my notes app and transfer over to gdocs when they get big enough (though if i have a short or well developed enough idea i'll just start in gdocs). i tend to keep all of my notes and stuff in the same document as i'm writing, which can lead to a lot of scrolling and unwieldy comments. i also sometimes put notes and research stuff in notebooks but i am terrible about writing things in a notebook and forgetting which notebook and never finding them again.

anyway with my next big project (still in the very early stages) i am thinking i'll have my usual working gdoc and discards gdoc and maybe try maintaining my running thoughts/notes/possible titles/etc in a notes app note just increased wieldiness.

24. How much prep work do you put into your stories? What does that look like for you? Do you enjoy this part or do you just want to get on with it?

oh it depends a lot! a big chunk of my prep work is just like ... thinking. contemplating. i also pretty much always scribble down bits of dialogue or lines of prose or specific scene ideas that i think will be useful, just to help shape the story in my head a bit. for stories with characters i'm not as familiar with i'll do some research to make sure i have a good sense of voice and general outlook and so forth. if it closely parallels reality (for rpf) or canon (for fiction) i'll review the relevant chunk of time or source material.

but other than big structural research (like for the winner's room fic i did go through and get the dates/scores/notable stats for every flames-oilers game game from 2019 to 2022 and both panthers-oilers games in 2023) i tend to leave research for as i'm writing or during editing. as long as it's not a big enough thing to shape the whole story. or like, pov character's voice lol.

anyway i mostly enjoy the prep work! but i don't find it as rewarding as writing so i am always glad when i can move on to that stage.

25. What is a weird, hyper-specific detail you know about one of your characters that is completely irrelevant to the story?

okay so in home by now i decided that the conversation with matthew and then him disappearing was enough of an answer as to the fate of taryn's only-okay boyfriend -- she does dump him, but she lets it drag on for a little too long and get a little too close to letting him think they're going to move in together. it's not her best work, and having it play out at almost exactly the same time that matthew's getting his shit together and introducing leon to people as his boyfriend is ... a little messy!

#ask meme

[bluevaractyl]

Your vent post sounds like classic ADHD. Or maybe burnout. Or some kind of chronic fatigue. Either way, remember there's no such thing as laziness. It's legitimate tiredness. Or it's a physical or mental disability that's disabling you. It isn't your fault. Whatever you're doing right now IS your best and that's okay and you should be proud of yourself for the little victories you do like eating dinner or making a phone call.

You aren't a coward or weak willed, you're a rabbit. You are designed to be a survivor, to lead a life you enjoy. You shouldn't judge yourself harshly for not being a kingly lion, or a mighty bear, or a focused falcon, or a swift fox. Being a rabbit is a-ok! You're smart, you know how to avoid things that will hurt you, you know how to slow down and enjoy the simple quiet parts of life, like reading and drawing and being nice to people.

Maybe you aren't meant to be bold and ambitious (or maybe something is disabling you so you physically can't be) and that's okay. Don't fault yourself for it. You have value just by existing. You don't have to do anything to be worthy.

You'll have to figure out what the root cause is. Is it physical? Like a medical issue? Is it mental like ADHD or anxiety, depression, or shutdown due to chronic stress and pushing yourself too hard? Usually the best (and sometimes the only) fix for this kind of thing is taking a break.

Strategically drop assignments as long as you can still pass the class with a C (C's get degrees!). Cut any corners you can. Do disability/chronic illness lifehacks like having groceries delivered, using paper plates and plastic utensils, sitting in the shower instead of standing, listen to your reading assignments with an audiobook.

Also, this part is super important: take all the breaks you can. Do all the fun things you can. Healing doesn't just mean band-aiding the problem or merely removing your exposure to the trigger, you gotta heal yourself with medicine for the mind and soul: read lots of fics, watch lots of shows, draw lots of things. Only when your mind/body have the space to heal can it reset back to the point where you can cheerfully do your tasks.

You should try the Finch app. It is a no-stakes self-care app that rewards you for doing things like getting out of bed or taking a shower. It's fun! You play dress up with a baby bird and take them on adventures.

Aw Anon, you made me cry. I needed this.

I do have ADHD, and I still forget what that means. I didn't know until starting college. I can't take medication for it right now because of some health stuff I'm trying to figure out. I am starting to think I might have anxiety too. Definitely feeling a little burnt out.

I withdrew from one of my classes last week because I was so overwhelmed. It helped a little, but I've still been missing assignments left and right. Maybe that's okay.

I'm a rabbit, I suppose, and I can learn to accept that. Thank you Anon <3

#the fact that you took the time to write all this out warms my heart #blue speaks #save for a rainy day

[angeldiaries777]

trigger warning mental health, online addiction. personal stuff!!! i don't want to post anymore. part one of two.

i don't want to try so hard anymore. going to be real here for a sec i don't like my life. i don't like who i am. i don't like this app. i don't like this world or any of the people in it. i do need help. i need a lot of help. i don't like this blog anymore. its not fun. its not carefree. its just something i do now subconsciously with zero effort. its not me. its not cool. i don't like it. i'm not enjoying it at all. since i deleted quite literally every other app this is where i go on for everything. and thats just toxic. i am not having fun like i said a thousand times before. i just want my thoughts and things i liked at the time to be docutmented somehwere on some account because i know i will forget. i am very miserable in my life and with myself. i know that i need to stop using this app as much as i do and same with a few others and certain accounts on websites i just have nothing left in me. i've always posted online. ive always interacted online. i've always been obsessed with watching content and consuming media books movies shows music etc etc. and i'm feeling fatigue from it. idk how many more fucking lana del rey gifs i can reblog till i lose my fucking shit for good and end it all. everything that inspired me is dull. the relationships and parasocial relationships i form with celebrities characters and people online is just plain unhealthy. especially when its causing me to ignore the ones i have in real life. i need a break. i need a break from all the media i consume. i need a break from music and from tumblr and from everything else that is slolwly rotting my brain. the attachment i have to these apps is unhealthy. the amount of time i spend on my phone or ipad or literally any other device is actually sickly. i need a break from looking at or even just holding my phone for so many hours a day. i need an actual sleep schedule and i need to not wake up at 4am and have my first thought be to open tumblr or to save pins on pinterest. i got rid of so many physical items and cut off so many people but the actual thing hurting me the most is my addiction to the internet and to media. i need to stop posting. i need to stop interacting i need to stop watching videos and movies and listening to music at the rates that i do. it is unhealthy at best and detrimental to my life and health at worst. its like those interventions they have for people with alcohol or other addictions. ive known this about myself for a long time and it only worsens the more time passes. i have issues!!!!! i have real issues in my real life that will not be solved by venting about it to my 8 followers. i need to stop. i need to sit alone with my thoughts without a podcast or an album playing in the background. i need to see what my life is like and who i am without all of this. without the things i thought i liked. the things i thought were keeping me alive and sane and healthy were actually the most destructive. i need to stop relying so heavily on things that don't exist. all these pictures and people are fake. i"m not a character or a stereotype. im a fucking person. whenever i got a negative comment i used to lay awake thinking about that. its not okay anymore. its affecting my life way too much. i don't want to think of the world and only think of what i see online because i don't love my reality. i don't want to be sad anymore. i don't want to know what that person across the world thinks of that topic or what kim kardashian had for breakfast. i want to actually live my life again for what it is and not what i wished it was. because truth be told i am very blessed in sooo many ways and i take it for granted so often. i am so much more than that sad face emoticon on somebodys phone screen. i don't want to see the same pictures of bella hadid on every fucking app with the same generic text and font over it. i don't want to consume copious amounts of self help content anymore whilst refusing to actually do any of that self help when im clearly not qualified and clearly need professional help.

[possiblydistasteful]

Pinned Post :)

THIS IS A SIDEBLOG, I follow back from my main (wescravings)

Basics: Frank, he/him, either an ancient withered hag or a baby depending on who you're asking (read: over 25 younger than 50). Queer leftist. I think we should have MORE kink at pride. I love freaks, perverts, and sexual deviants. I love pornography, degeneracy, and filth. Anti-censorship. Yes, even for stuff that I personally find repulsive: If it's not hate speech and doesn't involve the exploitation of an actual living child then it has a legal right to exist regardless of taste* Genuinely just here for a good time and to post annoying shit about fictional characters. I am always STOKED to talk to people about my pretend people du jour, asks and tumblr DMs always open even if we're not mutuals, and if you ever send me questions about my art or fic I am literally proposing marriage right now (psspsspss etc) Currently Posting: Right now it's mostly Succession (tagged: succession) and Saw (tagged: sawposting) but this is a multifandom blog. Various other things I have posted about in the past and probably will again in the future include: horror media of all kinds (especially games and movies), Pathologic, The Exorcist (TV), Mr. Robot, Better Call Saul and Breaking Bad, Metal Gear Solid (my beloved), The Untamed/MDZS, Bloodborne, Black Sails, The Terror... I have really varied interests and tend to hop all over the place.

I like a lot of Freak Shit™, so if you don't like horror in your horror media/transgressive themes in your fiction (violence/murder/gore, incest, consent issues, depictions of various -phobias and -isms etc) I'm probably not the blog for you. I try and tag at least the fandom and common triggers for my posts , and if you ask me to tag something I will do my best to remember, but I often post from not even the APP but the site from a mobile browser, and that shit is glitchy as hell. Also I'm deeply forgetful, so just a heads up if you rely on trigger warnings and tags. Links: Main/Art Blog (wescravings) AO3 (Adoxography) Spotify and mutuals are welcome to my discord (dm me) I Block: MINORS. I'm sure you're all very cool, but I post too much adult content and while I know I can't actually stop anyone from viewing/consuming my adult work, I have ZERO interest in interacting with kids/teens about it.

Also: bigots (racists, homophobes, and misogynists etc) in general, but in specific (for those who don't think the label 'bigot' applies): terfs, swerfs, and transmeds. queer gatekeepers (fuck you aces n aros are sick as hell 🤘), terminology discoursers, and sexual puritans.

I also will block anyone I find annoying because I'm a crotchety bastard and I highly encourage you to do the same (even/especially if the annoying person is me). *for fandom specifically YES this is the exact same as a proship position, so if I notice you have proship DNI on your blog I will also block you because I respect your boundaries 💅

[lady-assnali]

Hi! I was tagged by @nickysjaida (Thank you love!) Here’s some facts!

1. Are you named after anyone?

My dad and my grandma-it was supposed to be my uncle but I literally looked exactly like my grandmother from the moment I was born so that had to stick.

2. When was the last time you cried?

Oh bitch, yesterday. I cry very very easily, happy or sad tears, just…a lot. Lol

3. Do you have kids?

Just the ones I teach thank god

4. Do you use sarcasm a lot?

Occasionally, idk what my humor is, I’ve had a lot of people tell me they ‘forget that I’m actually really funny’ so that’s something I’ve learned recently.

5. What’s the first thing you notice about people?

Outwardly, their fashion choices. Because I’m very into fashion and how you present yourself, it tells a lot about your character. Inwardly, I immediately will notice if somebody’s vibe is right, checking my gut feeling because I really trust it.

6. What’s your eye color?

Brown

7. Scary movie or happy endings?

Happy endings, I am not a scary movie/show/story person at all I’m way too anxious for that

8. Any special talents?

I mean, if you count balancing trays of food at my other job that’s it-I’m super good at it, they love to give me the complicated apps to pass.

9. Where were you born?

NH!

10. What are your hobbies?

Hiking, sewing, singing, trying to learn instruments

11. Do you have any pets?

The best dog to have ever existed. She’s a pit/husky and she’s a love

12. What sports do you play/have played?

I did gymnastics, baton twirling, and soccer each for year (I think baton for two) and then basketball for three years. I was the short queen of the court. Then I was just a choir/musical theatre girlie for like 12 years.

13. How tall are you?

4’10”

14. Favorite subject in school?

Other than choir and music theory I liked public speaking and English

15. Dream job?

Children’s singer/entertainer, or to keep going in catering and managing jobs.

16. Sunsets or sunrise?

Sunrise. There’s a lake by my house I like to drive down to with a sneaky lil breakfast picnic and some hot coffee to hang and watch the sunrise, it’s a beautiful time.

(Hm well I literally feel like I’ve seen everyone be tagged except @cherubbcheeks ?? )

#it’s queued because it’s early

[jmflowers]

📚 ⇢ what's the last thing you wrote down in your notes app? 

🍬 ⇢ post an unpopular opinion about a popular fandom character

🛼 ⇢ describe your latest wip with five emojis

🍦 ⇢ name three good things about a character you hate

🌸 ⇢ do you have any pets? if you do, post some pictures of them

🎨 ⇢ link your favourite piece of fanart and explain why you like it

🧩 ⇢ what will make you click away from a fanfiction immediately?

:)

📚 ⇢ what's the last thing you wrote down in your notes app? 

My "New Years Resolution" for this year was to try as many different fruits and vegetables as possible that I haven't had before (or often), which I'm keeping track of in my phone notes. So, I wrote 'longan fruit' there, if we're being completely honest. (And no, I don't love those, but my new favourite fruit was the one before that: pluot.)

Writing related, the last thing I wrote in my notes was:

"Not too tight, Bea," Andrea hisses.

(And then absolutely nothing else related to that thought...)

🍬 ⇢ post an unpopular opinion about a popular fandom character

I don't think Vic is as jokingly cruel or juvenile with her humour as a lot of fandom writers write her. I don't think Carina has as much patience as everyone assumes. I don't think Andy is as malicious or intentionally hurtful in her actions as some people make her out to be. I don't think Maya actually keeps clipboards and lists of things that need to get done - I think she just remembers and does it.

🛼 ⇢ describe your latest wip with five emojis

I’m actively working on two (three?) pieces right now, so…

🔪🩸🏥🧵👩‍👩‍👦

🙎🏻‍♂️👩🏽‍❤️‍💋‍👨🏻🙎🏻‍♀️💔🫂

🏃🏼‍♀️🛫🌍📞🫂

🍦 ⇢ name three good things about a character you hate

If we're adhering to the fandom we share...

When he's sober, Beckett actually seems really great with kids. I think he's redeeming himself by getting the help he really needed and I'm intrigued by his backstory; I don't think he's a bad guy, just a person who was in a shitty circumstance who didn't know how to get out. He also has a really, really dry sense of humour that makes me laugh.

(I forgot about the existence of Sullivan and Theo while writing this...)

🌸 ⇢ do you have any pets? if you do, post some pictures of them

You have opened Pandora’s box with this one.

This is Abra (like abra cadabra) and she is the best there ever was. Also she hates everyone.

This is Masqa (like masquerade). She loves everyone completely. Great motor.

This is Phantom (after The Phantom Menace). He has tops one brain cell and frequently forgets he has a tongue, so it falls out of his mouth. He’s 6 and does not know he has a name.

This is Cap (short for Cappuccino). She weighs probably 2lbs and is in charge of everyone.

I also have two identical twin, black mini Rex rabbits that look permanently shocked that you’ve managed to see them. They’re invisi-buns named Bijoux and Chouie.

And my mom has a cat named Teaca that I never take any pictures of because I'm not convinced she doesn't think I'm a peasant.

Also I work on a farm, so I am constantly surrounded by goats, sheep, a donkey, an alpaca, cows, chickens, and rabbits.

🎨 ⇢ link your favourite piece of fanart and explain why you like it

Not sure I have a favourite... there was a lot of really beautiful stuff that utilized moonflowers after Bly Manor, which I loved. I think for Station 19, marshcap usually hits it out of the park. Not sure they're on tumblr, though. I like their stuff because it blends cartoonism with a hint of realism and I think that's neat.

🧩 ⇢ what will make you click away from a fanfiction immediately?

Formatting, 100%. I will get lost or fall asleep trying to read a giant wall of text. And I will get angry if dialogue doesn't get a new paragraph. I've spent way too many years studying grammar and writing to have a lot of patience for basic errors. My standards are high and I'm a bit of a bitch.

Otherwise, I'm really not here for things that are drastically out of character, cutesy baby-talk kid dialogue, or things that aren't tagged properly on AO3. I highly encourage even the most minor of investigation into how tagging works before you post.

#janelle's asks #thank you! sorry this took me so long to answer... #ask game #fic writer ask game #he0524 #there is animal fur in my bloodstream

[confusedfeelsbutokay]

The abandonment issue I got from my best friend for 4 years suddenly cut me off.

Is it impossible to be in the right place for a relationship with anyone right now? When I am just too much stressing about how to do with myself each time I try to correct my life decisions. How does it affect me so much that it really ruined me for being committed to a lost friendship?

It really bothers me until now the words and sentences that she left me, each time i scar myself with those letters turns into words that is really hard to accept and process the emotions of ones I am with all my heart benefits from healing. As from the world I know, it may have been hard to process the healing of one’s trauma, it takes a tremendous time to be able to be go ahead on life which indicates that you are at least in capable of owning the title of being a mentally stable person out there.

As I may speak, my best-friend for 4 years at least given me a heads up to let go of all the familiarities and move on from the fact that we are back again from being strangers and not to be seen as if we have been part of our lives together. She totally cuts me off from her life, for all the things that mattered didn’t matter to her the most. It was not okay, but I just accepted it like an idiot, never finding out the reasons why too she have been able to tell all those things from me without patiently waiting for me to come home from Dubai, and just casually tell me through the phone like some heart-rob who broke up with her girlfriend just using words that you read behind those screens featured system and apps on which you usually send messages from. It took a lot of understanding and disturbance of sleep from the overthinking process on HER behalf, -the audacity- but it didn’t matter at least because they were not from the endorsement of apologizing, but from which she’s just a bitch and problematic scorpio-ic person that could’ve done a great job ghosting and cutting people off just like stating a very unresolvable equation from math that even Einstein could not comprehend because it is that emotionally harmful to just think about it, you could bet a soul from the demon and still wouldn't understand of all the meanings behind it.

I could be ranting or probably just angry and ranting at the same time! even if it's all a year back ago, but fuck her mental mindset…. It is so traumatizing that even this part of my blog doesn’t make any sense anymore. It was once great but then it sounds completely off, just like her! I’m trying not to matter things anymore, but it was just so pathetic that I can’t forget about her suicidal attempt, which set her off failed, and that actually brought her to the hospital and me being there by her side from the time being, and as for the moment I am writing this, remembering her has set me into hyperventilating situation from the cup of coffee I took twice today, that even her own existence or just being existing makes my breath just as slow as astronauts walk from the moon. 

Even if apologizing would change something, I won’t forgive her sorry ass, just because I’m gay and figuring out if falling in love with her was the right option before her having a partner and casually saying that she’s asexual, then caught up with someone else’s dick, definitely do not deserve her as a friend, 'lying' wouldn’t even consider her own permanent job, and to which falling in love with her was the WORST!!!! situation that I have ever experienced.

I was still happy for her, she did get what she wanted, a dick…. Just kidding, but in the end, she was still a whore deeply inside my heart, and I love my best friend just like how she loves me. 

Until then, I was that girl who was afraid of getting abandoned by someone like her, so I abandon those who is not worth taking any of my risks. Sounds toxic? Trust me. I don’t feel any of that guilt within my conscience, I just happen to know my own self-worth.

#selfworth #selfcare #best friend #ex best friend #blog #writing #venting #hate #spilled words #spilled emotions #spilled thoughts #healing #coping

[senescenceandsensibility]

Rambling in the New Year

Here we are. Happy New Year.

The holidays were fine. I traveled for Thanksgiving but was home alone for Christmas. In the past, family might join me (or us, when my husband was alive) and that felt right. But now it feels weird to tack myself on to established traditions in other households, even my sisters’.

It is inevitably hard. There isn’t a single piece of media one can consume at this time of year that doesn’t hammer at you about family and togetherness and love, either how vital it is for human existence in general, or how tragic it is when all that isn’t present on this one day above all the days. I felt okay on Christmas, but I was a lot better the day after. I was white knuckling it. Just get behind me, please.

When I was about 14, I said I didn’t want a party for my birthday. My extreme teenage self-consciousness was on the rise, and I couldn’t conceive of a party at our house that I could enjoy. That was true and I didn’t change my mind even as I cried on the day. Sometimes being alone is the next best thing, and you take it. I had and have a lot to be grateful for. I’m incredibly lucky. Also, occasionally, lonely. It’s not a death sentence even if everything this time of year makes you feel like it is.

And now, the new year. Ahh. What will it be?

I just read some advice about making a list of 10 things you love to do, a reference for hard days or when you’ve been doing for others for too long and have forgotten what fills your well. But I can’t come up with 10 things. Read, knit, jigsaw puzzles, crossword puzzles….that’s it. That’s my list. All of them safe at home.

I suppose I should put writing on the list, but although I *do* feel better for having done it, it’s not something I turn to with any eagerness. Everything seems to take a bite out of me. And because I am perhaps a little too wary of things that might drain me (and to be fair, almost everything does), I’ve boxed myself in.

I have had memory issues lately, bad enough to have spun myself into thinking there’s Something Wrong, even though there are plenty of reasons for me to be distracted and forgetful, namely the 50+ hours per week I spend at the beck and call of 150 people. It’s not a mystery why I’m not particularly present when my mind is a hundred places at once. I’m taking some steps, implementing tools to help me. Trying to use my time more wisely, etc. Deleting apps, unsubscribing from emails. The usual new year stuff.

There’s so much we unconsciously buy into. You’re only really legitimate if you’re loved, you’re only really loved if you’re shapely and fit and fashionable, and so on. It’s a lot to carry around. I do feel like I’m unloading some of it but not really sure what’s on the other side. Also, I want to be loved. I was trained to want all of that stuff.

Not surprisingly, given my mother and my husband, I used to think a lot about dying from disease. But I seem to have reached an age where I’m more concerned about dying suddenly. About a car accident, the hail of gunfire. I don’t feel like I’ve started, let alone finished, what I’m here for. And that seems especially important now that I can see I’m not here for the Big Love. That’s not going to be my story, so then, what is? And can I manage it alone before I’m gone?

Ha, not a cheerful new year post, sorry.

Lots of people chafe under parental expectation, familial responsibilities, partner needs. I don’t have any of that. No one but me cares what I do or if I do anything but what I’m already doing, which at the moment is going to work and then coming home. That used to bother me a lot because I also had no money. I’m financially more secure than I was, and because that tremendous weight has been lifted, I failed to recognize what is almost certainly a low-level depression. One that would certainly explain my distractedness, my loss of spirit. One that is also a hundred percent to be expected. We’ve all been through some stuff lately! I’ve never been one for uncomplicated feelings. I can feel lucky and sad. I am both grateful and disappointed.

So, I am resolving. To write things down, even if I think I’ll remember. I will do puzzles and read and knit. I will maybe, just maybe, pick up my manuscript and finish that thing once and for all. I will try to recognize what restores me and do more of it.

Here’s to a year better than last. I hope you found the best notebook ever.

[meginyoung]

I suppose I’m back to using this app as my own personal diary. I don’t recall the last time I’d type my own thoughts onto the screen, it’s probably been a few years since I have.

I came back because this is my last resort. I have absolutely no one to speak to about my thoughts or mental intrusions. I have no one to speak to about my triumphs or what ails me. I have no one to speak to when my life goes wrong.

I never thought I’d see the day where I was alone with no family or friends left. I didn’t think I’d ever end up this alone but growing up as a kid, I barely had much anyway.

I hope I get used to living this way. I hope I grow so callous and numb I don’t feel anything anymore.

I sometimes miss my mom. Not really, but sometimes. She was supposed to be my bestest friend and be there for me.

I miss my best friend. I wish she put more effort into seeing me and wanting to make plans like I did with her. I wish she understood that I’m trying to build myself and move on so I can remove myself from these shitty circumstances. I just have little to no money to do it yet.

I wish my real father was a bigger part of my life and not for seasons. I wish my father paid more attention to me and I wish my father cared more when I was suicidal two years ago. I wish my father cared when my ex boyfriend busted my lip open, almost choking me unconscious, and throwing me around the room like a rag doll.

I wish the person who I looked up to as a father figure since I was 12, didn’t touch me inappropriately almost two years ago while I was visiting. It crushed my heart to smithereens and I have never forgotten about it since. It festered within me until I had enough and cut him out of my life.

I wish my current boyfriend was a lover like me and didn’t prioritize his friends over our quality time and family. I wish my current boyfriend responded to when I cry in front of him, and I wish he tried to understand my feelings without reverting back to himself. I wish he never invited his friends on all of our dates when we started our relationship. I wish they never existed at all.

I feel so crazy. He even called me crazy as I stood in front of him and cried and screamed and begged for him to treat me right. I’ll never, ever forget it. I’m always begging and crying to be treated right. Maybe one day I’ll get over it.

I wish I started my career when I was 18. I’d probably be ahead of where I am now but what can I do when my life was in turmoil and I was suffering from abuse. I wish none of it ever happened. I’m 22 now, and I’ll be 23 in January.

Time flies. I think about dying a lot. Some days I wish I wasn’t here and other days I find myself thinking about death. Wondering if there really is another side to this life of mine. Are we really just empty vessels? Matter cannot be destroyed, so it has to go somewhere right? Where do our souls go? That’s what I think about, and it’s scary.

I am worrying about my future and if I’ll ever reach the level of success I desire. Or at least what I deem as successful, I don’t know. I’m worried. Really, really worried. I can’t ever stop stressing out no matter what I do because I am so behind on my life. I hope my career turns out to be lucrative and I hope I’ll be successful like everyone tells me.

I wish none of this ever happened.

[memoriesofthecircularroom]

Good evening (or morning, I guess)

I have recently begun to suspect I am part of a system, and have begun research into dissociation more as it was a post about it, apparently, not being a universal experience of having a secondary voice in one's head that initially brought this to my attention. I do plan on brining up dissociation in general when I meet with the new therapist on Monday, but I'm hoping to maybe get a little insight on dissociation to be sure I'm understanding something's right.

Occasionally (here meaning multiple times a day on stressful days, perhaps once a day on non-stressful days) I find myself suddenly stopping in my tracks and needing a few seconds to remember what I was doing and needing to "reboot".

Other times I will go for an hour or more on "autopilot" and when I come off of it I half to give myself a run down of what all was just happening to remind myself of what is happening (I'll pause and name the tasks completed for example) before continuing or changing tasks.

In particular I've been researching OSDD1 because of the lack of blackout amnesia, and to me the above are just...how I live. It's not particularly distressing, it's just my life, it's how I have always lived as far as I recall and I'm having trouble knowing if those things are actually considered dissociative.

I've also read that feelings of "watching a movie" mean dissociation, but again...that's just how I live. There's always a degree of "watching" if I'm not autopiloting. There are times where I'll "come to" and realize I zone out and feel like I forgot I was supposed to be watching. But that feeling of just watching tends to sort of run like a background app in the back of my head.

Can these things really be considered dissociative if it's just how I live?

I'm sorry I'm asking so many questions, but it just feels weird to call all these things dissociative when it's just my life. But from what I've read, they all sort of are or at least related to dissociation.

Much thanks.

Hey anon! 1am here, so I’d classify this as “why the fuck are you still up” o’Clock. (Moon Hunters with my partner, if you were wondering.)

To me, it sounds like you answered your own question. “They all sort of are or at least related to dissociation.”

The thing you said most was “but this is just my life!” And here’s the thing - it’s just my life too. It’s just a lot of people’s lives. It being your experiences doesn’t make them any less real or dissociative. They’re still events happening. Yes, dissociation can be disorienting, but I’ve found that I’m used to it. If I’m alone, and I dissociate, it’s kind of meh. It only starts to effect me when I’m with someone I care about, and the dissociation stops me from doing something important.

For example, today my partner was distressed due to the audio not working in the car. I was in what I call the Zone Out Dissociation - I was staring at my phone and doing absolutely nothing. No thinking or anything. To some degree, all people do this, but for me, it was triggered by a post on tumblr making me recall a memory. Nothing bad, just enough to make me forget I exist for a bit. Because I was dissociated, however, I couldn’t help them immediately, and they shouted. Both of us felt bad after.

That’s why I’m glad you’re mentioning it to a therapist. Yes, it’s normal for you - but it can still cause problems, and it’s important to try our bests to circumvent those problems as much as possible.

I hope your therapist helps!

#did #dissociative identity disorder #plural #mod numb #traumagenic #actually traumagenic #OSDD #OSDDID #other specified dissociative disorder #asks #anonymous

[flightfoot]

Forgetting Enemies, Rediscovering Friends - Ch. 1

AO3

Thanks to @khanofallorcs for betaing! Set in @buggachat Bakery Enemies AU, before the wine arc.

The morning had started off fine. Marinette had been working on a new design to showcase her talents. A black dress with green trim—great for any occasion.

(Only the most keen-eyed observers would find the small paw print embroidered on the inside of one of the sleeves)

Adrien was hard at work in the kitchen, as usual. Probably plotting how best to steal the Miracle Box, or make her meet the same fate as his mother or—or some other nefarious end. Yes. He must be. No one could be THAT nice, not after everything he went through. It had to be fake. 

*beep beep*

Marinette blinked. Her stomach twisted. “The Akuma Alert app? But it can’t be- unless-”

A video popped up, showing the new threat. 

“Don’t be bemused, it’s just the news! Past Pirate has made the trip from the U.S. all the way to our fair city of Paris. With Ladybug and Chat Noir still missing, we can only hope that other superheroes arrive soon, before everyone in the city forgets who they are.”

Ah.

Not an akuma or sentimonster, then. Just a random supervillain that thought the absence of Miraculous wielders made Paris an easy target. 

Somehow that didn’t make her feel better. At least if it was a sentimonster, she might’ve been able to catch Adrien in the act, prove that he was evil, and recover the lost Miraculous. This- this she could do nothing about.

She was useless.

*beep beep*

A text warning popped up, issuing an evacuation order. A giant orb had been spotted near Collège Françoise Dupont, one that looked very, very similar to the one Oblivio had threatened the city with, all those years ago.

Marinette suspected it served the same function.

She needed to get out of there, NOW.

Her parents were out at dinner on the other side of the city, so hopefully they’d be safe?

The only ones here were her and-

Oooooh crap.

Her and ADRIEN.

...He’d be fine on his own. Right? He got to work every morning after all. He could evacuate on his own. 

But his apartment had to be close by, close enough that it’d be in the evacuation order, too. He’d have to go to some public place for cover.

During a supervillain attack.

With a lot of people scared and worried and having flashbacks to what his father did.

...and with him having one of the most recognizable faces in Paris. 

Crap.

She was gonna have to take him with her, wasn’t she?

She hurried downstairs. Adrien was already putting on his coat, getting ready to run out the door. 

“Wait!”

He froze. An instant later, he turned around. “Marinette? You’ve gotta get out of here, the supervillain-”

She nodded. “I know, come with me.”

He blinked. “Are— are you sure? You don’t need to put up with me just because we’re both heading out, I can go a different direction if it’s more comfortable for you.” His voice dropped. “I know you probably have some trauma associated with what my father did and this situation isn’t helping.”

Why did Adrien have to be so unfailingly nice?! 

Marinette shook her head. “My parents would be devastated if something happened to you and I- I don’t want you hurt, either,” she got out in a rush. “I don’t want you out there alone.”

Adrien stared at her, startled. His eyes softened. “Thank you, Marinette.”

Her face heated up. “Po Noblem!” She shook her head. “I—I mean, no problem! Anyone would do it.”

He shook his head. She didn’t have time to think about that before she grabbed his hand, running out the door.

And into a purple beam blast.

-------

Blinking rapidly, he looked around.

He appeared to be on a street… somewhere and—

A purple blast hit a few feet away from his head.

Right. Get out of here first, figure out what was going on second. Maybe he’d find someone else someplace AWAY from the scary light blasts.

He attempted to run down the street and away from whatever the purple blast thing was. 

“WAAAAH!” 

Attempt at running: failed. Attempt at finding someone else: success!

He winced. “Sorry I dragged you down. Didn’t realize I was holding your hand.”

The girl nodded, eyes wide, still on top of him where she landed. “What’s going on? Who are you?” Her breath caught. “Who am I?”

“I… have no idea.” He admitted. “I don’t remember anything before a minute ago.”

Another purple blast fired. He flinched. “I don’t think sticking around here is a good idea. Let’s get somewhere a little safer first, THEN try to figure out who we are.”

She nodded, getting up and pulling him to his feet. She didn’t let go of his hand. “This way?” she asked, pointing away from where the blast had fired from, down the street the direction he’d tried to run. 

He nodded.

They booked it, running in unison, automatically adjusting their gait to exactly match their companion’s.

After they’d gotten some distance away, they slowed down, huffing and puffing from the exertion.

“You think that’s far enough?” the girl asked. 

He shrugged. 

She started digging through her purse. He blinked, tilting his head. “What’re you looking for?”

She didn’t look up, sticking her tongue out the side of her teeth, appearing to concentrate even harder.

It was adorable.

Huh?

Well, he HAD been holding her hand when he woke up…

“This!” she said triumphantly, holding up her ID card.

He shelved his previous line of thought. For now, at least.

“Marinette Dupain-Cheng? Nice to run into you, Marinette!”

She giggled. “I enjoyed falling for you too, uh…”

His face heated up. “Let me check.”

After looking through a few of his coat pockets (one of which held some cheese. Did he normally like the gooey food that much? It didn’t look that appetizing to him right now) he at last located his own ID. “Adrien Agreste.”

“You have anything else that’s useful?” Marinette asked.

“Let’s see…”

After emptying out his pockets, he concluded he had his phone, ID, that piece of Camembert, a debit and credit card, and 70 Euros.

“Well, at least we’re not memoryless AND broke,” Marinette commented.

“What about you?” he asked.

“Well…” 

She proceeded to pull out several cookies, a sewing kit, a first aid kit, duct tape, an umbrella, a few items that he felt he should recognize that Marinette hastily stuck back in her purse, saying they weren’t relevant to this situation, and a small black box with an intricate red design on the top, as well as her phone and wallet.

Adrien looked critically at the mass of items. “I don’t think all that should be able to fit in that tiny purse.”

Marinette looked at the objects she had pulled out. Then looked at her purse. Her brow furrowed. “Yeah, I think you’re right. Especially that umbrella. Doesn’t matter how I put that in, it shouldn’t fit. Plus that box- that wasn’t there when I first started rooting through my purse, I’m sure of it!”

He tilted his head. “It wasn’t?”

“I’d shoved everything around a few times,” she explained, “trying to see to the bottom of it. The first few times I didn’t see it, though there WAS some black fabric in the way - that was the umbrella - and once I pulled the umbrella up, well, there it was, lying beneath it.”

“Anything inside it?” 

Marinette opened it.

“Nothing,” she said, disappointed. “Just two indentations where something used to be.”

Adrien peered at Marinette. “Maybe it’s the casing for your earrings?”

She startled. “My earrings?”

Reaching up a hand, she felt her ears. “Maybe? Let me see.”

Taking them off, she set them in the box. They fit perfectly.

They also looked different. 

“Spotted earrings?” he wondered. “They didn’t look like that before.”

Marinette blinked. “They didn’t?”

He shook his head. “They were black before, not red with black spots.”

“Maybe the lighting just made them look weird?” 

“Maybe…”

He looked more critically at Marinette’s ears. “Wait. Something’s weird here, too.”

“Here?”

“With your ears.”

“What’s wrong with my ears?!” she said, sounding on the edge of panic.

“Feel where the earrings were, where you took them out of.”

She shot him a puzzled look, but complied, feeling her lobe, then her entire ear. “Where were they?” she wondered. “I can’t find the holes.”

“Exactly. I can’t see them either.”

“Hold on, let me try something,” she said.

Picking up the earrings, she put them back. “Oh that is WEIRD.”

“How’d you do that?” Adrien asked. He still hadn’t seen the holes she was using, not until the earrings were in again.

“I just let my muscle memory do the talking. I wasn’t threading them through a hole or anything, I just stuck them where I felt like they should go and then— then they were there.”

“They’re back to looking black, too,” Adrien said, squinting.

“Wonder whether your earrings are the same?” Marinette said, looking at him - or rather, at his ears.

Adrien felt his ears, his fingers hitting metal. “Huh. Didn’t know I was wearing them, too. Let’s give it a try.”

He wasn’t quite as fast at removing them as she was, needing a moment to unhook and align them so they’d slide out smoothly. He held them out to her. “Did their look change?”

She shook her head. “No, they still look the same.” Looking closer at his ears, she noted, “I can see the holes left behind, too. I don’t think your earrings have the same weird properties as mine.”

“A purse that can hold more than it should, earrings that change color and leave no mark— maybe it’s magic?” Adrien wondered.

Marinette opened her mouth, looking somewhat indignant - then closed it. “I… can’t come up with a better explanation. Don’t know why I’d have some magical objects, though.”

“Maybe you’re a witch?”

“Do those even exist?”

“No idea.”

“It doesn’t feel like the right term. These are just magical objects, right?” she said. “I might not have any magical powers myself.”

“You think anything else has magical properties?” he asked.

“Let’s see…”

After messing about with the duct tape, wallet, and umbrella for awhile, they concluded that, if they had magic, they were keeping it well-concealed. Unless “closing unexpectedly” was the umbrella’s magical power. 

“Any of your things secretly magic?” she asked him. “We checked your earrings, but what about everything else?”

He tried stuffing things into his coat pockets, but they only held as much as one would expect them to. The wallets didn’t have anything special, and the only thing ‘magical’ about the cheese was how much it stank outside of its plastic baggie.

As he was putting it back in the bag (trying not to gag), he glanced at his hand, noticing a silver ring.

Figuring he might as well, he slid it off. 

Light ran over it, turning it from silver to black, with a green pawprint on its face.

“You have one, too!” Marinette cried happily.

He nodded, feeling a warmth in his core. Whatever was going on, he was the same as her. “Guess I’ve got magic, too.”

“Think they do anything except change color?” Marinette asked. 

Adrien shook the ring for a minute. “If it does, I have no idea how to activate it,” he concluded. 

“Let’s move onto our phones, then,” Marinette said, turning hers on. A lockscreen popped up.

She hesitated for a moment as Adrien winced. “That suc-”

Marinette smiled deviously. “Not so fast.” She breathed on it, showing the most common pathways her finger traveled. Swiftly she followed the path, unlocking her phone.

Adrien’s heart went pitter-patter. “Brilliant!” he told her, copying her idea and unlocking his own phone.

“I don’t have a lot of contacts,” he told her, turning it to face her. “Only four people.”

G, Chloé Bourgeois, Sabine Cheng, and Tom Dupain. That was it. “You’re not even in here,” he told Marinette. “Though I’m guessing Sabine and Tom are your parents, at least?”

She scrolled through her own contact list. It was far more extensive than his, easily over a hundred contacts. “Yeah, they are,” she said, comparing the picture for ‘Maman’ with the one Adrien used for Sabine, and the one she used for ‘Papa’ to the one he used for Tom.

“Maybe we should call them?” he suggested. “Especially since they know both of us. Maybe they can help!”

She nodded, clicking on the Call button for Maman. 

“Hello?” she asked, sounding nervous.

“Marinette? Are you okay? Is Adrien with you? I hadn’t checked my phone until just now, I had it on silent. You’ve evacuated from the bakery, right? Without Ladybug around to fix everything, who knows when everyone hit by Past Pirate will recover their memories!”

“I’m— well I’m mostly fine, Maman, I got away from the purple blasts. I’m guessing those were from Past Pirate? Adrien and I lost our memories, though. What should we do?”

“Oh. Oh NO.” Sabine sounded horrified. “That’s very, very dangerous, especially for Adrien.”

“Why is it dangerous for me?” he asked. 

“Oh, Adrien! Glad to hear from you,” Sabine said, relieved. She hesitated, appearing to choose her words carefully. “Your father—he did some very bad things. Things that people blame you for, despite having no part in them. You’re very recognizable, too. If people see you, they could react badly.”

“People blame Adrien for what his father did? That’s terrible! Why would they do that?” Marinette said, flabbergasted.

Sabine suddenly sounded very awkward. “Well, dear, sometimes people have trauma and it just latches onto innocent people, even when it’s undeserved. They’re wrong, but I wouldn’t judge them too harshly.”

Marinette still looked indignant. “That doesn’t excuse treating him badly!”

Sabine coughed. “Yes. Well. Just be careful. Maybe try to find a disguise for Adrien if you can, before wandering into public areas? Until you’re back home and this crisis is abated.”

Marinette muttered quietly, “He shouldn’t HAVE to.” More loudly, she told Sabine. “Yes, Maman. I have everything I need for that.”

Adrien could practically feel Sabine beaming through the phone. “You’re always prepared, aren’t you?”

Marinette smiled. “Hopefully I’ll see you soon, with my memory intact.”

Stowing her phone, she reached for her sewing kit. “One disguise, coming right up!”

#forgetting enemies rediscovering friends #bakery enemies au #ml fanfic #Miraculous ladybug #adrien agreste #marinette dupain cheng #adrienette

[thedragonemperess]

What's your personal opinion on why Elite Force was so bad? Since I've ranted about that a lot and started the 'elite discourse' tag.

Introduction

I don’t think it was really bad. Yes, it was terrible compared to Lab Rats and Mighty Med (of which both deserved more seasons since they both set up so much and than threw it all away), but it wasn’t too bad. Why it was bad, though? They undid all character development, overlooked some of the best characters, and so much more!

Chase

There’s a lot wrong with Chase. First of all, they undid all of his character development and reduced him to a self-centered smart guy. (I’m not gonna say a mini version of Donald because he’s really more like Douglas, but they really just threw away his character.) And for character archs. When AJ made his list, he put Chase at the bottom. A good thing to point out is that this list was based off of the number of powers each person has and the number of powers each person has alone. So lets count how many powers they all have:

Kaz: Pyrokinesis and Flight Oliver: Cryokinesis, Flight, and Super Strength Bree: Super Speed, Vocal Manipulation, Invisibility, and Super Agillity Chase: Molecular Kinesis, Force Fields, Super Intelligence, Super Senses, Laser Bo Generation, and the Commando App (technically Super Strength as well, but that’s only Spike) Skylar: Flight, Super Strength, Super Speed, Acid Spit, Regeneration, and 21 other abilities (10 after the whole thing with Bree, but that still leaves her with the most) CHASE SHOULD BE #2 ON THAT LIST!!

And even if this wasn’t based on only their powers, he’d still be at #2!!

Then we have the Arcturian. The Arcturian Space Rock will kill you if you make direct contact with it, key word being direct. So Bree, being NUMBER #3 on the list (did I mention they overlooked her abilities, too, with the exception of one throw away line?), decided to touch it. After a series of events, she gets superpowers from it.

Bree got superpowers.

Because she was insecure about her bionic powers.

THIS WAS CHASE’S ENTIRE ARCH FROM THE BEGINNING!

And he wasn’t only insecure about his powers, he was insecure about his appearance, self-worth, and a ton of other things.

This arch was engineered for Chase, and they threw it away in favor of Bree.

Skoliver

Skylar and Oliver was the main romance of Mighty Med. Oliver had a crush on Skylar and Skylar was a lesbian didn’t reciprocate. This didn’t stop Oliver from trying to get with her, though. But the difference between Oliver persevering in Mighty Med and Olvier persevering in Elite Force is that in Mighty Med, he did it in a healthy, respectful way. In Elite Force, he became a stalker!

He watched her in her sleep, recorded her without permission, had a pretend version of her that he was dating, and more.

They turned a really nice thing from Mighty Med into something terrible just so that they could put less time into coming up with actual jokes. (The writers of these shows never really handled healthy relationships and comedy well, if Adam and Chase’s relationship says anything, but you would think [I’m only saying this because its Disney] they would put more effort into a romantic relationship.) The worst part about this is that they got together somewhat in the end of Elite Force.

Reese

Reese existed as a way to lead us to the finale of the show. She also existed as a love interest for Chase. She had the potential to be Elite Force’s Marcus or Experion, but they just didn’t do it right.

The Lab Rats’ relationship with Marcus was built over the course of two seasons, which let both the audience and the characters get to know him. Sure, we knew he was evil before everyone else, but how evil he truly was changed up until Douglas’ plan was finally revealed. He was also really close to a lot of the characters, so that makes it really painful.

Experion was one of Skylar’s close friends, almost like a brother, and we saw that play out on screen. He was only there for a short amount of time, just as Reese was, but he was already in a predetermined relationship with him. Reese had literally only met Chase that day, meaning that connection just wasn’t there.

(Also, was Reese just there to degay Chase? Because that’s what it seems like.)

Representation And Other Things Of The Sort

Lab Rats was a show that had a family in which half of it was married into. Shows have done this before, yes, but this showed the kids really just excepting it and not getting mad at their respective family. This was also a mixed family, which watching now that I’m older and really understand the importance of it, is really nice. Especially as a mixed person myself.

As for Mighty Med, and I’m starting with family again, it had a father figure who, more or less, actually cared about his kid(s) and was active in their life. It also showed him, a person of color, in a position of power. Skylar, who is a woman of color, was a badass who wasn’t boy crazy. She didn’t care about boys and the one time she did chase after someone, it was an introverted girl whom she wanted to be friends with which is pretty gay but whatever Disney. She was pretty freaking powerful, too, even without her powers.

Now for Oliver and Kaz, they were geeks. That’s a recurring fact in the show. It’s also something that is constantly saving all of their butts and was the main thing that got them their jobs. They weren’t picked on or made fun of for it, that was just who they were.

And unlike Lab Rats, Mighty Med showed a healthy relationship between brothers. Additionally, Gus was a really weird kid, but no one ever made fun of him, either. They treated him like they treated everyone else. He even ends up as one of the popular kids a few times.

Elite Force really just threw that all away in favor of (what became) a bunch of bratty kids in a pent house together.

Backstory

Mighty Med ended off on a cliffhanger, with Mr. Terror escaping, Oliver and Kaz obtaining superpowers, Alan meeting his father for the first time, and Horace using his last revival. Not to mention, Mr. Terror is Oliver’s mother and was supposed to be Horace’s wife.

And then they completely forgot about all of that and destroyed Mighty Med, killing all of the people in it in the process while also forgetting about Mr. Terror completely?

As for Lab Rats’ ending, it was actually pretty fitting and satisfying, all things considered. Adam, Bree, Leo, and Chase split up after defeating Giselle, Adam and Leo going back to the island to help the students with the big change (an update that let them control their abilities, hence no need for them to be teachers anymore) while Bree and Chase joined the Elite Force.

But why Chase and Bree? Sure, I guess the fandom Chase, but we did care about Leo more than Bree if we’re looking at it from that stand point. Now if we’re looking at it from a logical, in-universe stand-point, it makes no sense. Bree and Chase were the smarter, more experienced of the four, so they should have gone back to the island, while letting Chase and Adam join the Elite force.

Also, Leo has just become a mentor, which was what he was striving for since the start of the season. He was always being overlooked, and now, when he finally gets his moment in the spot light, its taken away from. That just really bothers me.

What Was Good About Lab Rats: Elite Force?

Quite honestly, not a lot. But considering the target audience, it was pretty good. Having two well received shows come together into an, albeit poorly set up and attempted, spin-off where they can have their own battles and story lines together is pretty cool and different. There are some flaws, like how Mighty Med logic and Lab Rats logic really don’t intertwine, but you have to keep in mind that this is a kids show.

It also showed Douglas being a pretty good father, which is really nice. Sure, he’s their birth father and/or creator, but it also shows them mending their relationship.

There were some smaller things, too. AJ’s introduction, Skylar and Bree slowly become sisters, and Chase and Kaz becoming friends were all really fun to watch. (The characters growing relationships with each other, period, were fun to watch.) The villains had good motives, and the small cameos from other shows (Bob and Crossbow [she’s more of a piece of what Mighty Med used to be, but I’m counting it]) were really fun to see. The plot could definitely be better, but it was still pretty good. And, as much as I hate to admit it, the show was genuinely funny. The amount of times I’ve spit out my water while watching this show is surprising.

Conclusion

Was Lab Rats: Elite Force as great a show as the source material? No. Was it all we thought it would be at the time? That depends on how old you were when it came out. It was, and still is, a fun show to watch, though. Yes, it would have been better if it never happened and the shows continued separately, but I’m glad that we at least have an answer to what Mighty Med and Lab Rats alluded to in their finales. Am I upset about Elite Force’s finale? Yes, and I will probably die mad about it, but we didn’t have as much time to get to know the characters and connect to them, so is it really that much of a loss? That’s up to you. Is it a fun show to watch? Absolutely.

#long post #very long post #long post tw #long post tag #lab rats #lab rats bionic island #mighty med #lab rats elite force #lr #lrbi #mm #lref #lrmmlref stuff #answering asks #fave

[heyheshi]

Mirror Selfies, Fake Hickeys, and Cheetos... And Lots of Make Out Sheesh

3.3k words

written and uploaded: August 27, 2020

🦋 - fluff

🌙 - angst...? Idek now honestly lmao

💎 - smut, well just lots of make out sheesh

Please like and reblog! Also please don't post my writings anywhere!

Have y'all heard "Half The World Away"? This piece could have been a song fic since it's about being best friends but I've already wrote like half of this when I got the idea and this is in your POV so I'll be doing a song fic soon! And it's about HTWA! in Harry's POV on my 2nd month!

Masterlist

_________

You checked out your outfit one last time in front of your full body mirror - smoothing out those little wrinkles and making sure that your chosen clothes emphasizes your body in the most flattering way. My butt's poppin!, you thought to yourself.

The attire of your choice wasn't entirely revealing, wearing a white sailor pants with eight gold buttons in front - four on each sides, a sheer laced white sleeveless bodysuit that plunges just enough to show a bit of your cleavage, and white pumps. You look elegant in your opinion but not elegant enough to not get hit on in a club.

You're not trying to empress anyone but you also don't wanna look like you just got out of bed on your cousin's party. You decided not to wear any makeup - just some eyeliner and lip gloss, your hair parted in the middle in a low tight ponytail. You added a few gold accessories to accent everything.

You're sure that the club's packed and you're gonna get sweaty, you don't want any makeup to ruin your white clothes. Keeping your fingers crossed that you can keep everything clean and intact throughout the night.

Natural and elegant. Keep it natural and elegant, your mums words keeps replaying in your head.

You took your phone out from your purse that's laying on the dresser - opening the camera app and posing for a couple of mirror shots but only having three of your favorite - one doing a very cheeky pose by smiling big at the mirror while winking, your other hand doing the 'gun'; one looking sweet and shy, looking at the mirror with your eyes wide while holding a strand of your hair as if you're a child being handed your favorite sweet treat; and one looking sexy and seductive, putting your pointer finger on your lip as if biting on it as you look straight into the camera through your mirror.

Giggling to yourself after checking out the photos, you opened the messages app next and clicked on your conversation with your best friend Harry.

"Think it passed the "okay" looking?", you typed...

And sent!

You found him attractive but vowed to not cross any lines but you're feeling extra brave tonight so you also sent him the one where you looked really really hot - in your opinion.

Honestly, you'd say you're tall but not tall enough to rock a sailor pants the way Harry does but to your surprise, you looked rather ravishing tonight.

Your best friend of 2 years gifted you these pants as a joke as you always teased him about wearing one so one night he brought you these pants and said, "you better at least look okay in it" but now jokes on him. You thought that those three pictures will do the honors of mocking him.

As you're locking your front door, you hear your phone notification - a new message from "Sugar Baby :<", an inside joke that you used as Harry's contact name.

"Who was I kidding, you look good in anything. Take care and don't forget our plans tomorrow!", the message said, quickly responding with two frog emojis, you locked your phone.

---

The club really is packed but your cousin had this private booth for everyone so it's all good. You partied like a college student with your cousin and her other friends, managing to not ruin your clothes despite of everyone's clumsiness.

You don't remember much besides drinking and dancing and talking and laughing and kissing this guy - Austin. He was one of those guys that looks like they modeled for some clothing magazine - an underwear apparel perhaps.

It didn't get far with Austin, you mostly just danced and made out but you're also not sure since you're too drunk to comprehend anything. The last thing you remember was you saying goodbye to your cousin and Austin getting you a cab then you're back to your house.

You didn't remember if you paid the driver more than the real rate but you didn't care, you're too excited to try this hairstyle you saw on one of your cousin's friend.

Opening your front door and locking it after you got in, you kicked off your heels and got a bottled water on the fridge to bring to your room. Everything looks blurry but the digital clock on your bedside table reads 2:13 AM.

The last thing you remember was removing your almost non-existent makeup after changing your clothes and sitting on your dresser.

---

You woke up on your bed feeling light-headed but at the same time feeling like you have 10 pounds of rock on top of it. You noticed that you're laying on your bed wearing your worn out college shirt, some underwear and a tiny pair of shorts. Your blinds shut all the way and your clock reading 9:48 AM.

Freaking out, you remembered your plans with your best friend today. Scrambling out of your bed to your bathroom, you brushed your teeth and washed your face thanking the heavens for giving you enough time to change out of your clothes last night - which is now on your hamper near your bathroom door - and cleaning your face properly.

You also noticed that your hair is properly styled - your hair's upper half's sectioned into three then braided to meet in the middle, while the half down's curled into waves.

You left the bathroom and went to your dresser to check your phone. You saw that your hair curler is still plugged but turned off - quickly unplugging it - and your other hair styling supplies laid on your dresser.

You head is still pounding as you look through your messages and missed calls. None of them from "Sugar Baby :<". Sighing, you racked your mind as much as you can to remember why your hair is styled this way and why hasn't your best friend called, maybe he got called in the studio last-minute, your mind told you.

Shaking your head, you slowly opened your door to strut down to your kitchen to eat some breakfast and take some Advil to at least ease your headache.

You were about to put some cereal on your bowl when Harry appeared out of nowhere startling you, a few bits of your corn flakes now scattered on your table.

"Mornin' sleepy head", Harry chuckles, greeting you with a teasing smile as if to mock you for mocking him last night when you're the one who's hammered right now. You looked at him with scarred eyes then pulling your eyebrows together as if questioning him.

"You gave me a spare key, remember. Knew you'd be hung over so I didn't woke you up, just let myself in. Was in the washroom when you got down.", he said answering your unvoiced question, "oh I also got you some waffles from your favorite diner, it's in the living room.", you only smiled at him as a sign of gratitude.

You started cleaning up your mess when you heard him speak once again, "wild night huh?", Harry teases you.

You looked up to meet his eyes, "Huh? What're you talking 'bout?", you asked in your morning voice, only having to talk right now for the first time.

"Huh? What are you talking about?", Harry failed miserably on trying to copy your voice, you only laughed at him. "C'mon love, don't be shy now!", he added.

You shake your head at him and looked down, "I really don't know what you're talking about...", you kept your head down as your tried to think of everything that happened last night that might connect to what Harry was saying.

"So you're telling me nobody tried to hit on you with THAT outfit last night?", he joked.

"Uh well someone did but nothing happened, I swear, so please just tell me what is it. My head hurts when I try to think."

Harry took his phone from his pocket and gave it to you, the camera app opened. You can see your tired looking face on the screen, "look at your neck, you got three.", Harry explained.

Trying to find what he's talking about, you moved your hair away from your neck and saw it. Three bruises on your neck, a hickey perhaps? One below your right ear, one just above your left collarbone, and one in the middle of your neck.

"Oh...", was the only thing you said as you further examined the bruises and giving the phone back to Harry. You're sure that Austin didn't leave a mark then you realized something.

At first it looked like a love mark but when you looked closely to it, you'd realize that it's a burn - your hair curler burn. After realizing it, the events after you went home last night came rushing back making you hold your head.

You remember everything from changing your clothes, to removing your make up, to sitting on your dresser and clumsily trying this hair style you saw on the party and managing to burn yourself more than usual as you curl your hair, then going to bed after you gave up by turning off the curler.

Looking back at it, your hair style and burns doesn't look that awful for some drunk fella doing it. And for some reason, you don't want to tell your best friend the truth so you just shrugged it off as you finished cleaning up your mess.

You can feel his eyes burning on your neck as you rounded the table and giving him a hug, "thank you for the food.", you said and went to plop down on your couch in the living room, leaving H astounded and confused.

You started opening the take out boxes that contains your waffles and some other breakfast as Harry opened your T.V. and launched Netflix.

The silence was nice for your head with only a few laughs here and there as you both watched and eat some breakfast but Harry was unusually very quiet, not making any remarks at all.

You decided to ask him later and finished off your food, Harry already done with his a few minutes ago. You stood up the couch and took your trash to the kitchen then taking some pain reliever for your head before going back to the living room.

When you went back to Harry, he was just looking absent-mindedly on the television so you sat really close to him and took his right arm so you can tuck yourself beside him, bringing back his arms but this time around your body.

"What's the matter?", you asked as you looked up at him, the medicine already taking its effect making you less dizzy.

"Just tired love.", he said not looking down at you. You only nodded and never thought much about it and looked back to the show you both were watching while caressing his hands that's laying near your tummy.

A few more minutes on the movie, you called out his name, "Harry, I can tell something's bothering you...", you whispered.

Harry being Harry, whipped his head so fast that your lips accidentally touched in a peck. Sighing, he moved his head away from yours, "later.", was the only thing he said, not giving you any explanation.

You knew that the sigh wasn't because of the accidental kiss. You've shared a kiss or two before when you were both drunk or accidentally kissed like this so it wasn't new but it didn't stop you from running your tongue throughout your lower lips when he wasn't looking.

He was acting really strange. He's always really affectionate and flirty when it comes towards you so - always mocking you or telling you jokes and distracting you most of the time by tickling you as you cuddle with him - so you know that something's bothering him right now.

He looked at you when you started to move away from him, only for you to straddle his lap and hug him, something you usually do when he's feeling down.

Yes, it doesn't look like something best friends would do but you both became really comfortable enough around each other to do this.

The show long forgotten as you tended your Harry, running your hands through his hair as you pecked his hairline repeatedly. Harry had his head on your neck as he holds you tight against his body, his two big hands covering almost all of your back.

You don't know how much time has passed but you didn't mind until you felt Harry's hand going at the back of your neck, finger tips felt like he's tickling your skin but you didn't make a huge deal out of it.

Your legs now feeling a bit numb so you adjusted yourself on his lap, Harry's head snapping back to you, "stop moving, Y/N.", he said sternly and you whispered an apology. You knew how much he hated it when you two cuddled and you can't stop moving.

He just put his head back to your neck again and for a few minutes everything is peaceful until you felt ticklish on the spot where Harry's head's placed but you refrained from moving, not wanting to upset him any further.

The movement was barely there for a few minutes until you can firmly feel his lips kissing and licking your neck, "H-harry, wh-what are you d-doing?", you tried to push him away but he only hold you closer, your moans threatening to spill as he continues his movements.

You then felt him suck and bit on your neck, a movement you knew will give you a mark - Harry's mark, and then you realized that where he's doing it is the spot where you burned yourself.

You cannot stop yourself from finally gripping his hair to push his head more towards your neck, both of you moaning a bit.

"What're we doing?", you panted heavily as Harry moved his head, probably heading towards your other burn below your ear.

His mouth working deliciously on your skin making your stomach churn and making you grind on him in return, moaning in delight.

"I'm just making sure that those marks are now MY marks.", Harry looked up to you with droopy eyes then went back to marking you.

"I- bu-", you couldn't form any coherent word, let alone a sentence so you just let your best friend mark you as much as he wanted.

You know it's wrong and that you vowed not to cross any line but his lips just felt too good on your skin to stop it.

You gripped his hair tightly making Harry moan as he marked you on the thrid spot, the middle of your neck, one of your sweet spots - and you think Harry noticed as your moans and whimpers of his name got louder making him suck harder.

You grounded you hips on his, feeling him get hard. You yanked his hair away from your neck and met his lips in a hot steamy kiss. His hands now on your hips, helping you move your hips against his.

Moans, pants and whimpers was all you can hear around the living room until you pulled away.

"I- Harry what are we thinking?!", your frustration is heard and can be seen on your face, your lips swollen and your neck red and starting to bruise from Harry's earlier assault.

Harry throw his head back on the couch, "fuck! 'M so sorry love! I- I always- fuck! I just, was so jealous of the guy I couldn't contain my possessiveness and you're not even mine!"

You only looked at him surprised, "I-", you didn't finish your sentence as you went back to kiss him again which took Harry by surprise but eagerly kissed you back.

"It was a burn.", you panted against Harry's lips.

He pulled away, looking at you confused, "what?".

"Nothing happened last night, we only made out, it wasn't hickeys, it was hair curler burns...", you explained blushing.

He put his hands on your arms, caressing it lightly, "why didn't you tell me?"

"Dunno", you shrugged, "guess I wanted to know how you'd react, make you jealous maybe...", you looked down ashamed of yourself, feeling so small under his gaze.

Harry only laughed as he run his fingers along his marks, "well it worked. Got really jealous, love.", he said and angled your face to meet his eyes. "Liked you since forever and I was jealous, thought he got to take THAT outfit off of you last night...", Harry murmured, his ears looking red out of embarrassment making you feel a bit better.

"Liked you since forever too... and good thing I went home alone, huh?", you teased Harry, ruffling his hair a bit and putting both of your hands on his shirt clad chest.

"He still got to kiss you..."

"Well then guess you got a lot of making up to do!", with that you kissed him again, hungrily. Until he pulled away.

"Cheetos.", Harry said then went back to kissing you again but you're too confused to continue.

"H, what?"

"Those three pictures last night...", he kissed down your neck as he continued, "Cheetos, salsa-queso for the one where you looked cute and cheesy...", slowly going back up, "the sweetos Cheetos - the cinnamon sugar puff ones - for the one where you looked like a child...", he pulled away at last making you breathe out finally, "and flamin hot Cheetos for the one where you looked really sexy.", Harry smiled cheekily at you as you pondered on what he said.

"You couldn't have thought of something better to compare me to, huh?", you laughed at him but you think it's sweet, really.

Harry played with the tips of your hair and said, "I bet you fifty bucks that you sent that last picture just to seduce me."

"Well Mister Styles you're right!", you laughed, "why? Are you mad?"

"Mad? That outfit made me lose control, really thankfully it led to this."

You pecked his lips once more, "hmmm, you're right... so what now...?"

"Well for starters, you could've called me to take care of you last night...", his sweet words ran through your head until he continued, "and well you owe me...", he did this cute thinking face that you love, "you have to wear it again, this time, with ME beside you, want us to match too!", you giggled at his childishness but let him continue.

"That's just an excuse to take it off of you the next time around!", he overexaggeratedly winked at you, letting you know that he's joking - maybe not but honestly you don't mind!

You sighed then smiled, "that's it?"

"Well you do owe me a date, miss."

You removed yourself away from him and stood up, "is that so? You gotta call me SUGAR MOMMY first!", you teased him.

"Stop! Come back here!", Harry made a grabby hands at you while jutting out his lips.

"Okay, just tell me when and where!", after that words came out of your mouth, Harry quickly went to where you're standing and kissed you for a few seconds before carrying you to your bedroom where you spent the rest of the day kissing and laughing and planning for your first date. Making a mental note to buy those Cheetos to bring along to your date.

Your headache long gone and the both of you not feeling any hunger as long as you got each others lips. For the first time in months, you felt really happy, now you wouldn't be jealous of Harry being with other people, and him to you but the thought of putting your friendship with him at risk scares you to death but with him beside you, you knew that it'll all work out in the end.

_____

#harry styles #harry styles one shot #harry styles jealous #harry styles fluff #harry styles angst #harry styles smut #solo harry #harry styles blurb #harry styles fanfiction #harry styles fanfic #harry styles writing #harry styles x reader #harry styles x y/n #harry styles x you #harry styles imagines #harry styles drabble #harry styles prompt #harry styles preferences #harry styles concept #harry styles au #harries #harrie #heyheshiwritings

[spicyspencerreid]

Just Friends|Part 5

A Timothée Chalamet Imagine: Part One Part Two Part Three Part Four

THIS TOOK ME SO LONG FOR NO REASON. Okay well lots of reasons. Distance learning is destroying me. Anyway I hope you enjoy!!!!

Female!Reader, Dancer/Actress!Reader, CoStar!Reader, FrenchSpeaking!Reader// 4,656 Words

Summary of part one, two, three, and four// Reader and Timothée are best friends. They are going to be costars on a new movie where Y/n plays a dancer and has a small, but still important, role, and Timothée’s a lead. There’s a storm and Y/n’s hotel is having issues, so she has to stay in Timothée’s apartment. She stays with him really realizes she likes him, then he starts dating Lily, asks to go out to dinner so everyone can meet her. Then they break up, boom Timothée and Y/n kiss. Now Y/n has been asked to go on Spill Your Guts or Fill Your Guts with James Corden, but their relationship is still secret.

Warnings// Grammar/spelling and lack of proofreading. FLUFFFFFFF!!!

Key: French writing (english translation), Y/n/n-Your nickname, Y/f/n-Your first name, Y/l/n-Your last name

(Added July 2020) Note: this whole series was written before Ansel Elgort’s allegations arose, and honestly, in the most disrespectful way possible: I hope he rots in hell. I ALWAYS stand with the victim, and if that’s going to be a problem, find another series to read. If the mention of his name is triggering to you, PLEASE do not read. If you or anyone you know has been sexually assaulted or abused, do not be afraid to speak up, but if that’s not the route you personally want to take: you can call 1-800-656-4673, available 24 hours every day and 100% confidential.

Not my gif (but isn’t it absolutely adorable): enjoy!!!!

It was 2:00 AM and you were pacing around the kitchen, but what you were really doing, was overreacting. And while you were overreacting, you definitely weren’t being irrational. This was a problem. You’d just gotten off the phone with Kelsey, you’re publicist who was in Rome with your assistant, Kelly, and she was beyond happy to inform you she’d already talked to Zendaya’s publicist and the both of you would be joining James Corden next week on his show. This would be completely fine if it was just a normal interview, you’d done many TV interviews, but no, Kelsey didn’t just sign you up for a normal interview, she signed you up for spill your guts or fill your guts.

It’d been almost a week and a half since Timothée had pushed you up against a wall and finally did what the both of you had been aching for almost a full year. You were going to tell Kelsey, not like you had any choice anyway: you guys were practically sisters, except it was also her job to know everything happening in your life. 

Why you hadn’t told her about it though, that was for two reasons. One being, you didn’t know how combined with the fact that she was in Rome and there was a six hour time difference. Not to mention you were barely able to tell Z and Ansel, who probably would’ve been able to figure out just by looking at you. The other reason being that you were just stubborn. You were annoyed everyone was right, especially Kelsey. You would never forget it if you picked up the phone, dialed her number, and spoke, “Oh hey Kels, yeah that interview you signed me up for, can’t do that. Why you ask? Well, it turns out you, my mom, all of my friends, our fans, and the whole word was very, very right. Timmy and I? Yeah, we sucked face the other day. You and I both know I have the world’s weakest stomach, so if I get forced to choose between downing a shot of blended salmon or answering a question about Timothée, we’re going to need to figure out how we wanna address everything. Because while I would hate to lie on national television, I would rather perjure myself in front of the supreme court than bite into an animal dick.” As for you and Timothée, it had only been ten days, five of which you spent together. To be completely honest, you were absolutely terrified the night after he kissed you. 

“YOU WHAT?” You backed your phone away from your ear as Zendaya screamed into it from the other line, “I’m coming over.” She hung up before you could say anything else. About ten minutes later your door opened. You were laying face up on your hardwood floor, staring at the ceiling, contemplating your existence. Ansel laid down on the right side of you, Z taking your left.

“So...where is he,” Ansel asked, Z. They were both giddy, and you were laying there like an idiot, unable to get the smile off of your face. 

“He has a photoshoot,” you sighed out, “he’s very pretty, needs to be photographed for the world to see.” 

“So what happens now?” Z asked the question that a voice in the back in your head had been screaming as she poked into your side; you instantly started laughing at the poke in your weak spot. That was your one worry, what did happen now? The kiss was quick, but you both knew it meant something, and you were beyond happy, but that didn’t stop your worrying. Worrying about the same reason that stopped you from making a move earlier. You wish you didn’t worry, but you did, the public had been shipping you guys together almost since before you met, but what about your friendship? It seemed easy, it really did, you were already practically dating, just without the kissing, the sex, and the formal dates or announcement, but what was going to happen when things got complicated?

Soon, your worries started to simmer down. The next day, you and Timothée went out to breakfast, as usual, trying to keep to your hands to yourselves as much as possible. Lily already released a short twitter statement, saying that the relationship just didn’t work out, but swearing that they were both on great terms and planning to stay in touch throughout their careers. She said she’d be disgusted by any comments coming after how fast or slow her and Timothée moved on from their relationship, considering the fact they weren’t even officially in a relationship or anything, and considering all the hate she’d received while being involved with him. You’d called her shortly after, checking up to make sure she was alright, already feeling pretty guilty even though you knew their breakup technically wasn’t your fault. She’d told you she was alright, excited to start her new modeling campaign, even telling you not to tell anyone but she was starting a clothing line. She also lightly hinted towards you and Timothée, acknowledging the way he looked at you, her little way of giving you both her blessing. A couple had speculated this was your doing, earning you some lovely little DMs on Instagram calling you a home-wrecker. You and Timmy talked, for a while, and you were just happy it wasn’t awkward. After that you walked for a little bit, deciding you would take your day off as a shopping day. He kept his arm on your back as he usually did when you walked around the streets of New York, even though all you wanted to do was hold his hand. You knew what you both wanted. It was a tiny jump, barely existent, the jump from friends to more for you guys. It was obvious how close you were, and dating wouldn't change much, but really all you wanted was one thing. Time. Not away from Timothée, or your friends, or any of that, but just time to be happy together before you guys told the public. A week and three days was simply not enough time. 

You had to have only been pacing for a couple of minutes when Timothée made his way over to you. You went over to his apartment a little bit after lunch. You were beyond tired after a physically and mentally draining Giselle practice, so the first thing you did was shower and put on the comfiest clothes of his you could find. He turned on a movie, and you fell asleep super fast, snuggled in his arms under a pile of blankets on his couch. But of course, you were both awoken by your phone ringing, and with a groggy voice, you excused yourself into the kitchen to answer Kelsey’s call. 

Timothée’s hands scared you, causing you to shiver at his cold touch. He placed them on your shoulders, stoping your pacing, “What’s up?”

“Nothing’s up. I’m just thinking,” you put on your best fake smile, but your best wasn’t good enough. 

“You’re pacing in circles. When you’re in deep thought, you pace in straight lines, but when something’s bothering you, you pace in circles,” he lightly rubbed your tense shoulders, calming you down, before lightly kissing your lower neck. You sighed, pissed off he knew you as well as he did. 

“Z and I have to go on James Corden,” he backed away from you, and his face burst into a bright smile. He instantly knew what was going on.

“Kelsey? Elle ne le ferait pas...(she wouldn’t...)” he was full-on laughing at this point.

“Oh, she did,” you covered your face with your hands, trying to hide a laugh. 

“Spill your guts or fill your guts? There’s no fucking way...” if anyone knew how weak your stomach was, it was Timothée. About three weeks after meeting him, you, Z, Ansel, and he all had drinks at Ansel’s apartment. You usually didn’t drink more than one glass, because of your weak stomach, but Z had just been nominated for an award. So, you had three, maybe four, and then threw up all over Timmy’s shoes. You were mortified, the event has happened in the early stages of your friendship, where you still had that little celebrity crush, but he just laughed really, really hard. 

“Stop, I already feel nauseated just thinking about it. What am I supposed to say about us?”

“You don’t even know if they’re gonna ask...”

“We both know something about you is going to be asked.”

“You’re right, but people want us to date, and Lily’s in Italy right now, I’m almost positive she has an Italian boyfriend there, so we don’t have anything to worry about,” he wrapped his arm around your waist, and your head found its way to his chest. You both stayed there for a while, thinking before he reached in your back pocket for your phone, he opened the phone app and handed it to you.

“I just...je voulais du temps,” (I wanted time).

“Moi aussi,” (Me too) he sighed, “here, you should call Kelsey back,” you backed away to meet his eyes, sighing as you typed in her number in from memory. He didn’t move from his position, keeping his arms around your waist and hands resting on your exposed back.

“Hey Kels,” you were hesitating, and she could tell.

“Y/n...what did you do?”

“Um, am I on speaker?” It wouldn’t have been the first time 

“Kelly’s with me, what’s going on?” Kelly was gonna love this. 

“Timothée and I...um,” dead silence on the other side of the phone, you knew she knew where you were going with this, she just wanted to here you struggle to spit it out, “we’re...together,” you heard a little yelp come from Kelly, she might be your assistant, but just like Kelsey, she’s only a year apart in age difference, which means she was also like another friend to you.

“Oh my- Y/n?! How long?” Kelsey must’ve been pacing now, you could hear the sound of her heels click-clacking back and forth. 

“Only a little over a week, I swear, I was waiting to tell you, and I thought I had time, but then that interview, and...yeah,” the sound of her heels stopped, and you heard her trying to stifle a laugh, “Okay, let’s hear it,”

“Y/n Chalamet, Y/f/n Y/m/n Chalamet,” Kelsey could barely get it out, and you could hear Kelly’s wheezing laughter in the background. 

“Kelsey!” You looked up to see Timothée smiling, you reached up to cover his mouth with your hand.

“No, no wait, she’s definitely a hyphen kinda girl,” Kelly grabbed the phone out of Kelsey’s hand and spoke, you were blushing hard now, “Y/n Y/m/n Y/l/n-Chalamet, I like the way that sounds,”

“That’s enough-” your voice was interrupted by Timothée’s laugh, your hand wasn’t enough to stop him. You were never gonna hear the end of this.

“Oh my god is he there?” Kelsey yelled into the phone. You removed your hand from his mouth. 

“Hey Kelsey,” you glared at Timothée, hating how he was just egging them on. 

“He’s in your apartment?!” Oh god. This is probably the best day of Kelsey’s life. 

“Um no, I’m in his apartment,” not like that was any better.

“Is he...naked?” Kelly whispered through a giggle, earning another laugh from Timothée.

“No, oh my god. Focus, we have a real issue here.” You spoke through laugher.

“Okay, okay, we’re flying in tomorrow. Once we’re all settled and well-rested we’ll come over and draft a statement or something, and we’ll do some interview prep.”

“Great, I’ll see you then, bye,” a weight had been lifted off of your shoulder.

“Bye, oh yeah and...bye Timothée,” you hung up as fast as you possibly could. 

“What are we gonna say? The media will eat this up, twist it, and then spit it back out, and we’ve only had like a week to ourselves, and everyone’s gonna think you and Lily broke up because of me, no matter what Lily says, she can’t stop that response, and-” you were rambling again. 

“Y/n/n, it’s gonna be fine, I swear. We’re gonna figure out what to say if anything gets leaked. If anyone can handle this, it’s you and Kelsey.” He lifted you up by your waist and spun you around, making you laugh as he spoke, “Everyone thinks we’re dating anyway, so we’ll just explain that we were in denial, which we definitely were by the way, and then it’ll be fine, we’ll be happy, and the whole world will be sunshine and rainbows.” He was laughing with you now, as he continued to spin you in his arms. 

“Timothée.” you giggled and he put you back down, “Je suis serieux.” (I’m serious.)

“Je sais, je sais,” (I know, I know) his smile faded and he stared at you for a second before pulling you in for a hug and muttering in your ear, “mais tu es fou si tu pense que j'attends une autre année pour être avec tu,” (but you’re crazy if you think I’m waiting another year to be with you) You smiled and playfully rolled your eyes at his corniness, knowing the Y/n from a year ago would be going crazy if she saw this. 

“Can you still walk me home?” Growing up in the city still didn’t change the fact that walking home alone at 2:00AM would be terrifying.

“Mhmm,” he snuggled his head into your neck, “do you have rehearsal tomorrow?” 

“Nope,” you shook your head, trying to ignore the fact that he completely dodged your question, “les entraînements de fin de semaine sont annulés pour ce mois.” (weekend practices are cancelled for this month.)

“Then...you can stay here tonight and I’ll walk you home in the morning,” he presented the idea with a few nerves in his voice, you’d spent the night at his place before, but never without Z or Ansel, and definitely not in his bed.

“Okay.”

“Vraiment?” (Really?) You were quick to answer, maybe too quick. He almost thought you were joking for a second.

“What?”

“Well if I knew it’d be that easy to get you into bed I would’ve done it a long time ago,” you laughed and slapped his arm, pretending to be angry, “oh that’s how it’s gonna be?” He lifted you up and ran into his room, laughing as he playfully slammed you into his very comfortable bed. He climbed over you, pinning you down by the shoulders and attacking you with his lips, leaving wet kisses all over your face. One he finished his kiss assault on your face, his lips met yours for a moment, stopping your giggling at it source.

“If you snore, I’ll suffocate you with a pillow,” you pulled away for a second, threatening him against his lips.

“Considering you’re a dancer, I thought you mind find a more creative way to take me out.”

“Very funny,” you said it sarcastically, kissing him once again. You both naturally pulled away, fatigue kicking into your system. You fell asleep with your head against his bare chest, the sound of his heartbeat lulling you to sleep. When you woke up Timothée walked you back to your apartment. A day passed and Kelsey called you once again, saying she and Kelly were coming over to your apartment for interview prep. You decided not to release a statement or anything, which was not exactly what you wanted. You weren’t exactly the most go with the flow kind of person, you wanted a plan, and you didn’t exactly get one. To be fair, there wasn’t exactly a way for you to just say “no comment” on national television without being obvious about what was going on. 

When the night of the show came you were doing it again, pacing, but this time in your dressing room. You were extremely nervous, and Z was beyond tired of it.

“The sound of your heels is giving me a headache,” you stopped for maybe three seconds to glare at her before continuing, “it’s going to be fine, how much damage can you do in a ten-minute interview?”

“We’ve all seen people destroy their careers in less than thirty seconds,”

“Yeah, but you’re not an idiot, do you wanna call Timothée?” Her request was genuine.

“Hell no, that’ll make me ten times more nervous,” talking to Timothée now would only drive you more insane, he might know how to calm you down, but hearing his voice right before speaking in front of millions would be a dangerous game to play. 

“Whatever happens we know how to go into damage control mode, we’re prepared for this kind of thing,” Kelly spoke from across the room, “...not that that’ll be necessary.” For an expert in public speaking, her eloquence was largely lacking today. 

“Ladies, we need to take you over to the stage entrance.” Kelly fixed your hair, gave you a quick hug, and sent you and Z on your way. You heard your names being presented and felt your knees go weak. Z linked arms with you as you walked across, you put on the best smile you could and made your way to the table. James gave you a quick hug as you greeted him. You sat down and took a deep breath.

“Nervous?” James smiled at you, way too happy about this.

“A little...um...I have a pretty weak stomach,” you spoke through clenched teeth. Zendaya tried to hold back a laugh as you spoke.

“Weak stomach is an understatement...,” you gave her an angry look as the audience laughed along with James.

“I’m just admiring what I got myself in to,” you locked eyes with the fish eyes across the table right in front of you, “Is it okay if I...” you slowly turned the table over a little bit so the bird saliva was right in front of you instead, still not appetizing, but better than eyes. James and Z laughed at you and you laughed along before James went along with the introduction.

“So here’s how this game works, even though I’m sure Y/n watches lots of this in her free time,” he turned to you and laughed as you shook your head and sucked on your lower lip, a nervous habit of yours, “we have platters of lovely food here,” he turned the table and presented all of them, Z jabbing you with her elbow when he presented the salmon smoothie, “we are each gonna ask each other questions. We’ll choose the food, then ask. I will ask to Y/n, Y/n to Zendaya, and Zendaya to me. If you don’t answer, then you eat. If you don’t want to eat, you just answer the question. It couldn’t be simpler.”

“Okay Y/n, I am going to give you...”

“What’re you going to torture me with James?”

“I can practically feel how nervous you are, so I’m going to be nice and give you the shot of hot sauce, how’s that?” You winced a little bit, knowing it wasn’t the worst, but knowing you’d take any chance to get out of it, “You like spicy food?”

“About as much as I like stubbing my toe, James,” you laughed a little, earning laughs from the audience and Zendaya as well.

“So the question is...” he let out a little giggle as he read, pausing for dramatic effect, “You are very close to Ansel Elgort,” you smiled and nodded, knowing he was crying laughing at his television with Timothée right now, “which is your least favorite movie of his?” The audience let out a little oooh. You stared at the drink in front of you. You started to reach for it and James let out a laugh.

“Really?” Zendaya said, .

“Your hand is shaking, look at her hand shaking,” he motioned to the audience, really soaking this up. You picked up the glass before sitting it back down.

“You know, I’ve never been the biggest fan of Paper Towns,”

“That’s such a cop-out, that’s one of his smallest roles!” James poked fun at you. 

“What can I say? I love his movies. Cara’s lovely in Paper Towns, and it wasn’t a bad movie or anything, I just wanted them to end up together, not that that makes a bad movie, I was just disappointed with the ending...” you were rambling at this point and Zendaya was giggling at you try to justify yourself and not get a text from Cara Delavinge later, “I’m just a hopeless romantic okay?”

“That’s for sure.” Z was taunting you at this point, enjoying this way too much. 

“Okay then Z, let’s see..., what should I give you?” You had a mischievous smile on your face.

“Oh no...” Z could’ve begged, but she knew the damage was already gone. 

“I don’t know about you, but I’m thinking bull penis?” You rotated the table, feeling less nervous as you knew you were only a couple questions away from ending the show, “and you’re question is...ah!” You let out a laugh.

“Spit it out, Y/n,” she playfully glared at you.  

“If you had to choose one cast member of the Greatest Showman to recast, who would you recast, and who would that be wi-” You didn’t finish as she picked up one of the bull penis and dropped it in her mouth. An uproar of applause came from the audience.

“Damn Z,” “Okay James, what should I give you?” She smiled at you before turning the table to James, hitting him with the scorpion. The next couple of questions were quick, you were only asked decently easy questions and were able to curve most of them, only having to drink a hot Cheeto smoothie, which wasn’t that bad. 

“Okay Y/n, you will be the last question of the night, and since you haven’t had to eat anything but that hot Cheeto smoothie, I think,” he turned the table, his eyes on the fish smoothie.

“No, James, I am begging you,” the pink drink sat in front of you. 

“Relax, you don’t even know what the question is and you look like you’re going to faint.” Zendaya squeezed your shoulder as James spoke through a laugh.

“She absolutely hates seafood. I tried to get her to eat shrimp the first night I met her and she was too sweet to say no, so she swallowed the whole thing and to this day I still have never seen anyone else regurgitate a whole shrimp, and I never want to, ever again.” You remembered that day, it was a rough, and embarrassing, night.

“It was so veiny and...shrimpy,” you nudged the smoothie away from you, earning some laughs from the audience.

“Okay Y/n, just answer the question and it’ll be fine,” he picked up the card, read it, and instantly burst into laughter.

“Oh no...”

“Y/n, you have been faced with dating rumors involving you and Timothée Chalamet for a very long time, and you have denied all of them,” you gulped as a pit formed in your stomach, “Lily-Rose and Timothée have concluded their relationship of maybe three weeks, so now that they are broken up, were you lying about your relationship with Timothée beforehand, and did it have anything to do with the break up of Lily and Timothée?” You sighed, maybe this question was easier than you thought.

“Wow, saving the longest one for last, huh? Well, Lily and I still talk and as far as I know, their break up was solely based on the fact that Lily was offered an exceptional job, and they just didn’t connect well, but really you should ask them about that, it’s barely my business,” you smiled, happy you were able to successfully answer the second half of the question, “and, as for the rumors: no, no I wasn’t lying. Every time I denied it, it was true.” 

“Was?” You gasped, not even realizing you’d made that mistake.

“Oh god, Y/n,” Zendaya sighed out through a laugh. She genuinely couldn’t believe you’d made it this far and then slipped up like that. You were asked a question about your past exes, only having a couple while in the public eye, and you still managed to curve it, so she had no idea how you possibly messed this one up.

“Oh shit,” you clapped your hand over your mouth after you realized what you said, and the audience up-roared into applause and gasps. Then, you remembered you cursed, and even though you cursed online, you weren’t supposed to curse on live television, and you were usually so good about it, “I am so sorry, I just cost the network money didn’t I?”

“Just a little bit,” this wouldn’t have been the first time a celebrity had cursed on his show, “don’t try to change the subject here,” his face was red from laughing.

“I’m not, I swear, I just don’t like being interrogated James,” you were laughing, but your heart was beating at a mile a minute. 

“So you and Timothée Chalamet are finally together?”

“Woah! Slow down James, I don’t remember saying that-”

“You didn’t deny it did you?”

“Wow, you should be a detective,” you giggled as you tried to figure out what to say here, “I...um...”

“You have such a way with words, Miss Valedictorian,” Z interrupted you and laughed, giving you a couple seconds to think. 

“I guess you could say...we’re...um...testing the...waters?” You were mortified. 

“Oh Y/n, come on, this is the most we’ve ever gotten out of this segment, you’ve gotta give me something here. I don’t even know what that means.” His face was red from laughing at this point.

“To be honest, I don’t either. I think I’ve already said wayyy too much. All I know is I don’t have to drink that disgusting cup of blended fish guts, and that is all that matters to me,” you sighed in comfort, even though your whole world was crashing down right in front of you, making the audience laugh.

“You got lucky with that one,” Zendaya was enjoying this too much. 

“You’re calling what just happened lucky?” The audience loved you laughing at yourself.

“And on that note, we are out of time for today. Zendaya and Y/n everyone!” The audience clapped and you quickly hugged James before getting off the stage as fast as you could. The second you made it back to the dressing room you plopped down on the couch and covered your face with your hands. Z was still laughing at you.

“How? How did you do that?” she was crying laughing at this point.

“It wasn’t that bad, right? Right?” 

“Y/n, it was hilarious, people are going to eat that shit up, Y/n”

“It’s all okay, Kelsey’s on the phone for you?” Kelly entered the room.

“Okay Kels, you’re on speaker. Give it to me straight, how bad?” 

“Bad? Oh Y/n, honey, people are in love with you and Timothée. Absolutely. In. Love.”

“Really?”

“There’s a video on twitter of you stuttering over your words and laughing and people are absolutely in love with it, over three million views already and it was just posted by someone a couple of minutes ago,” you could practically hear her beaming, “and then there’s another video of your eyes widening when James says Timothée, two million views. I already talked to Celine, she said Timothée’s going to release a statement on twitter tomorrow,” you sighed out of relief, “I told you Y/n: you’re loveable, Timothée’s loveable. No matter what you think, people want to see you two together. Now call him.”

“I will, thanks Kels,” you handed Kelly her phone back and picked up your own, dialing Timothée’s number in, he answered immediately, “Heyyyy Timmy,” you giggled into the phone.

“Hey Y/n/n, so much for time huh?”

“Yeah, so much for time.”

I thought this was adorable, and i am SO SORRY FOR HOW LONG THIS TOOK. I think this is going to be the last chapter, unless you guys have suggestions for anything else I think this is a good conclusion. Seriously though, thank you all so much for the love on this, I can’t wait to write more, leave me some requests :)

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