#i don’t think it means s*icide actually. i think it means that the me that yk now will stop being the same if u die bc ilysm i would be dif | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

yourlocalartsonist · 10 months

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ROTTMNT Moths Fly In Packs - Chapter Seven

A/N: Please kill me my soul has left my body writing this god forsaken LONG ASS CHAPTER but hey it was very worth it imo. Uh sorry for the month long wait. I think the AO3 writer curse found me and my poor beta reader since shit kept happening to both of us delaying this chapter even more. But hey! It's finally out, so I hope y'all enjoy while I go lay down bye- Credit to: @sweaterrat for being my beloved beta reader! Previous Chapter | Next Chapter | Chapter One

Disclaimer: Chapter involves obsessive behavior, obessive language, demeaning language, injuries, manipulation, degrading language, bullying, shaming over having emotions, panic attacks, spiraling thoughts, gross creepy motherfuckers, recorded without consent, slight physical harassment, implied verbal harassment, getting restrained, uncomfy thoughts, self-degrading language, light s*icidal thoughts, violence, and curse words. This one's a heavy chapter folks so if you're sensitive to that stuff, scroll past and stay safe!

—

Alright, Salena. You got this. Just remember: if you’re quick and quiet, he won’t notice you. ‘Tis the rules of ninja stealth mode, baby!

Finally back at school but am I gonna face my problems? Nope! I’ve decided to take Splinter’s advice on just doing things when I’m ready. Even though sometimes I feel like I’ll never be ready. Every time I even thought about talking to Jaiden or Zane, I’d find myself getting strangely mad. I know I’ll screw things up if I talk with a temper.

But hey! That’s not my focus right now, anyway. I’ve been searching for a good opportunity to finally meet and talk to Draxum today! It turns out the world really is fucking miniature since he works at April’s old high school - aka my current one - as that scary mean lunch aid everyone fears to death. Who knew, right? I’m hoping I can make a good impression on him today! And maybe possibly get my very own weapon but that’s totally not my first priority at all…

I already planned to skip study hall to try and sneak into the kitchen. I know that lunch is next period but Draxum gets pretty busy when he actually has to work so I'd rather not bother him during those moments. Besides, it’s May! I would’ve spent my study hall sitting there doing jackshit, anyway, so I doubt the teachers care if I’ll be missing. There’s just one hurdle to my otherwise flawless plan. The reason I’m perched up on top of the fluorescent light trying not to cry from how dirty it is up here instead of in the kitchen by now: Zane’s been tailing me all damn morning.

He and I share a study hall so not seeing me there probably prompted him to run out looking for me. Guess I can’t blame him too much, I haven’t really talked to him or Jaiden so I know he’s just worried. But my god, the dude’s more annoying than an actual hall monitor right now. I’ve lost track of how long this little cat and mouse game’s gone on.

I watched in agony waiting for Zane to pass by. He stopped, looked both ways, and turned the corner, successfully convinced I wasn’t right above him. Man, I knew parkour would come in useful someplace but never have I ever thought that place would be in school.

I victoriously hopped off the pretty bright light and bolted towards the cafeteria, checking behind me to make sure Zane didn’t come back this way. I can’t wait to finally meet Drax and get my very own weapon! I hope it’s something cool! I mean, I don’t even know how it’s supposed to be picked but holy hell I am so excited and everything’s playing out so perfectly right now I genuinely can’t believe-

“Oof!”

Of course, I accidentally ran into someone. So much for ninjocity. The poor guy fell to his knees, and rubbed his head, messing up his fluffy black hair.

“Omigosh are you okay!? I am so so so sorry!” I stepped closer to him, reaching out my hand. “Here, let me help you up.”

“Argh… yeah, thank y-“

He stopped mid-sentence, wide teal eyes staring right at me. His expression looked strange, it wasn’t happy but it wasn’t sad either. Or actually, it was a little? He’s not saying anything or moving, it seems like he’s about to simultaneously laugh and cry.

But maybe I’m reading too deep into it, he could just be in shock or something.

“Um… I hope I didn’t bump into you too hard. Are you gonna take my hand…?”

“O-oh, right, sorry! I uh… I spaced out.”

“Don’t worry, totally get that!” I laughed, pulling him to his feet. “Ya know, I don’t recognize you. Are you new here?”

“Yeah, I actually just joined today, tenth grade! My name is Ca-”

“There you are!” A hand grabbed my shoulder from behind.

“Z-Zane!?”

“I’ve been looking all over for you, Salena!” His arm wrapped around my shoulder, possessively holding me close while shooting daggers at the stranger. It doesn’t take Einstein to figure out what message he’s trying to send. “Hey there, new guy. Nice to see you again. I didn’t know you and Salena already met.”

“We just bumped into each other, that was it.” He turned towards me, his look switching back from hostile to friendly “So, it’s Salena?”

I wanted to respond but got cut off as always “Oh, getting bold now, are we? What, just because you’re new you think you’re some kind of hotshot?”

“What? No, I’m literally just talking.”

“I know, that’s what I’m saying. Don’t talk to her at all.”

“Uh, why? You’ve been rude to me the entire time in class and now you’re trying to monitor who I talk to? Honestly, what is your problem?”

“My problem is cute guys like you who think they can do whatever they want with whoever they want just because they look good! I’m warning you now if you try to play any mind games on her, you’ll be hating every fucking second of being alive.”

Fucksake, what is he doing? “Zane, come on, you’re being extra.”

“Salena, don’t.”

“But-”

“Just don’t! You’re too nice to everyone and never know what’s good for you!” As he said that, I glanced over and saw the new guy looking at me with expecting eyes. Zane turned to him shortly after. “And you, stay away from her, got it? I’ll say this once and only once: she’s not interested.”

“Dude, why are you getting so worked up? I’m trying to talk to Salena, not you. I want to befriend them. It’s their choice if they don’t want that and I’ll respect it. But you don’t get to decide that!”

“Yeah, okay, look at you trying to white knight the situation. Look, Salena might be naive but I’m not!” Ah, there it is again! If the word naive were a person, I’d be on death row by now! “I know exactly what you’re trying to do, you little freak, and it’s not gonna work, ya hear me?”

“Zane, stop!” He was starting to get way too physically close to him and way too metaphorically close to breaking my patience. “He’s new to the school, we just met! Why are you acting like this? You’re being mean for no reason!”

“No reason? You haven’t said anything to me the entire day, Jaiden texts saying you’ve avoided them too, and now I just happened to find you here giggling with the new transfer and you’re telling me there’s nothing funny going on?”

I groaned. As much as I felt tempted to clock him in the face, I didn’t feel like dealing with the aftermath of having to somehow make it up to him. For now, gotta focus on making sure the new guy doesn’t pop a blood vessel on his very first day. Defeated, I reached out and grabbed Zane’s shoulders, keeping him facing towards me.

“Of course, there’s nothing going on! Hey, I’m gonna talk to other people but you and Jaiden are still gonna be my best friends.” My hand signaled the boy behind him to run while he could. “I’m not gonna just replace you guys for no good reason!”

“Then why were you avoiding me?”

“I wasn’t avoiding, I just… I had something important to do, alright?” At least that’s only half a lie.

“Oh really? Important with some guy who just transferred here?”

FOR THE LOVE OF- “Ugh, no, I told you I ran into him by accident! Like, literally ran into him. The important task is something else.” I peeked behind him, noticing the boy left. “And speaking of that, I gotta dash! It’s time sensitive so… yeah!”

“Huh? W-wait!”

You bet your ass I skedaddled away from him as soon as I could. I finally entered the cafeteria, resuming my mission from before. It’s quite empty, a stark difference from what I’m used to. You could probably hear a pin drop in here. I decided it got too eerie, so I took a page out of Mikey’s book and proceeded to swing the kitchen doors open in the loudest, most obnoxious way I could, getting greeted with a scream followed by a very annoyed groan.

“Oh, it’s one of you annoying brats. I thought I had to be worried for a second.” He didn’t roll his eyes but he might as well have, honestly.

“Sorry! I just wanted to ask-” I paused, looking past his body and catching a glimpse of something he was trying to hide. “What’s that behind your back?”

“Nothing that concerns you. And shouldn’t you be in class?”

“Eh, it’s study hall so skipping’s not a huge deal.”

He sighed “Do what you want, kid, but why insist on pestering me? Can’t you see I’m busy enough?”

“Oh! Right! My bad.” I lightly bumped into the door frame as I walked inside “Um, so like… I was just wondering, do you happen to know a Baron Draxum around here?”

The purple vines swiftly tangled around my waist, snatching me from the ground and suspending me in the air while a couple others pointed sharp at my head.

“How do you know that name!? Who sent you, tiny assassin?”

“Yo yo yo, chill, chill! I’m a friend! O-of the turtles! Ya know, your sons or something?”

He scoffed “Likely story! Those idiots get themselves a new ‘friend’ every week. Tell me, assassin, if you’re on such friendly terms with them then why would you refer to me as Baron Draxum? They don’t call me that anymore!”

“Dude, I dunno! I wanted to somehow indicate that I knew about the whole Yōkai ordeal and I thought if I called you Barry you’d think I was just another kid, ya know?”

“And why exactly wouldn’t you just say that?”

“...Good point. You know what, I did not think this through. And actually, thinking about it now, it honestly makes way more sense you’re a Yōkai! I mean, the occasional random vines in the flooring, the weird forestry state of the kitchen, yada yada. But I guess I just thought you were some sort of extreme nature lover or something, ya get me?”

SHING!

“WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!” I looked at my arms and gasped “Wait! I can prove it! My arm-wrap-glove-thingies!”

“What about them?”

“They’re Genius Tech, a gift from Donnie!” I took one of them off and threw it, landing on his eyes with a splat. “See? Donnie wouldn’t give me these if we weren’t friends! O-or at least close acquaintances on friendly terms! So ha!”

He inspected the clothing, grunting when he saw the all too familiar logo “...Fine. I suppose he wouldn’t let a thief get away with all their limbs intact. But why are you even wearing these in school?”

“…They go with my aesthetic, okay?”

“That was rhetorical, I didn’t actually care.” He finally set me down, not looking any less bit irritated, though. “Now, what do you want? I don’t have all day for your childsplay.”

“A weapon!”

“What?”

“I want a weapon!” I beamed at him, instinctively flapping my hands. “Like the ones the guys and April have! April told me they all got their first weapons from you since you’ve got a whole stash of them! So, I was wondering if I could get one, too? Please?”

“Of course you are.” He pinched the bridge of his nose, muttering to himself. “And for the record they didn’t get their weapons, they stole them! But anyway, I can’t help you even if I actually wanted to. My weapons are down in the Hidden City, I cannot simply wish them into existence.”

Darn. “Well… is there some way to portal down there maybe? Mikey and Leo can open portals so maybe you can too?...”

“As a matter of fact, I can.”

“Great! Then lets-”

“Not doing that, though.”

“What!?” At this point, I feel like he’s just dicking with me for the sake of it. “Oh come on, you’re supposed to be some sort of great mystic warrior alchemist guy! Surely you can do something to help me?”

“Listen, kid. Barry Draxum has far too much work to do to take some random student on a lab tour, especially just to get them a weapon to fit in with their friends. Go away and stop bothering me.”

He walked past me to start prepping for lunch next period, his towering height only further emphasizing his authority. Still, I’m not backing down. Not this time.

“I’m not trying to fit in. I know you’re busy but I’m not asking this for shits and giggles. I want a weapon to keep me safe! My life has been one chaotic run-in after another with mutants and giant cats and every time has had at least one near-death experience guaranteed! Look! I’ve even got the scars to prove it!”

I held up my left arm, the bandage now visible with my arm wrap off. “Something bad almost happened last time and I got everyone worried. I just wanna make sure I don’t have to constantly need protection and burden them again. I wanna be useful, you know?”

He glanced at my arm and sighed. He may act like he didn’t give a rat’s ass but looking more carefully, it’s clear a part of him might’ve softened a little.

“I’m not opening a portal and I mean that, I promised Mikey and O’Neil I wouldn’t use my mystic powers on the surface. With that being said, however…”

Draxum walked back to where I initially found him crouching when I came here, beckoning me to join him. I gasped when he opened the cupboard, revealing two giant blades hidden in them.

“Wow…”

“You’re lucky you came at the perfect time.” He took them out, gripping the seafoam green handles. “Usually, a warrior such as I would be entrusted with the safekeeping of numerous weaponry. But after gaining a criminal record, the Council decided I wouldn’t be allowed any more than I currently have.”

“Then… how’d you get this one?”

He scoffed, “Obviously, I stole it. Besides, I wouldn’t have been able to obtain them even with the Council on my side. These don’t belong to them.” He proudly presented the weapons, the silver blades shining in the light. “They’re a privately owned contraption, made by a very famous pristine Family in the Hidden City. No one outside them owns these sickles except now, of course, me.”

“Hold up, these giant things are sickles? Aren’t those, like, usually way tinier and kinda useless compared to other ninja weapons?”

“Beggars can’t be choosers.”

“Well, this beggar can and will.” I pointed at myself, skeptical he was still trying to sell me short. “I’ve done my fair share of research on weaponry, sickles are lame! Their blades can barely do shit and they’re way too close range to keep the wielder safe.”

“Stop sassing me, child, I’ve done my own fair share of more accurate research. These are mystic sickles, they will be different from your pathetic human tools.”

He began polishing them while continuing his rambles. “If you’re concerned about their sharpness, then you’ll be satisfied to know their blades can change by the user’s will. One minute, they’re strong enough to slice diamond and the next minute, they can’t even shatter glass. And all my sources confirmed they can turn the wielder invisible for varying periods of time, depending on their strength. It’s incredibly difficult coming across any information on them, but apparently, they were made to manipulate reality.”

“Apparently? I won’t lie, this all sounds legitimately cool and stuff but like, have you ever tested them out? Why’s all this just based on research when you have the weapon itself?”

“They don’t work from my touch.” Bruh.

“Come again?”

“These sickles are the only weapons that don’t seem to activate when I use them. So, my offer to you is if you can get these to work, I’ll allow you to own them permanently as long as you send me any new information you gain on them.”

“Oh, joy! You think that I - the ordinary human person - can get these things to work when you - the mystic magic Yōkai guy - cant?” I sighed, scratching my head before ultimately reaching out. “You know what, fine. Even if I get scammed, it’s worth a shot.”

He plopped them into my hands as I fell forward, grunting from the weight. Jeez, I can barely even pick these up. “God, for a scientist you sure are pretty bad at educated guesses- Woah!”

I flinched and stepped back when the sickles suddenly sharted floating in the air. Draxum copied my actions, both of us staring intently at them. The pink details on the handle lit up, spiraling around the grips and spreading to the blades, shining it all in a soft aura of the same hue. A part of me felt drawn to the light, as if it were calling me. I realize how incredibly stupid that sounds but in the moment, that didn’t really matter.

I reached out and held the sickles again, the aura spreading to me before fading away. They felt much lighter now, I can actually hold them with ease! The silver blades got dipped in deep, dark pink. If a rose could bleed, it’d be that color.

“Fascinating…” He adjusted his glasses. “Seems like my guess wasn’t so stupid after all, was it?” He smirked at me, genuinely emoting this time.

“I… I guess not. Aight, I’m sold! Although, I feel like the sickles chose me more than I chose them.” So, like a person getting claimed by a stray cat, I had no choice but to keep them.

“Wonderful, these are now yours, congratulations.” He held me by the shoulders and pushed me out the kitchen. “And remember, update me on any and every new bit of information you learn while using this. It was nice to meet you, blah blah blah, now don’t bother me during work ever again.”

He closed the door and almost instantly the school bell rang. I jumped, frantically shoving the sickles into my backpack right as people started coming in through the doors for lunch. I had no idea this much time passed. I should probably get out of here before-

“Salena?”

I’ve been jinxing myself a lot today, haven’t I? Jaiden’s standing right in front of me now. Might as well leap off a cliff and call it quits, to be honest.

“H-Hey…”

“Quite the busy gal today, aren’t you.” They’re speaking slowly, this isn’t a good sign.

“Oh, um, yeah, kinda. I just had to take care of something.”

“Cool, I guess.”

We both stood there awkwardly. My chest feels so heavy. Jaiden’s barely looking at me but I swear if they did I’d downright die from their glare. What do I even do? How do I face this?

Just… run away. You’re… you’re good at that. So run away.

“…I need to go.”

“What? Okay, that’s it. What is up with you? You didn’t come to school Monday or yesterday and you’ve avoided me all of today. Now when I finally catch up to you, you have to go?”

“I just got into a small accident, is all. I had to stay home.” Not like you tried to reach out, anyway.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Why didn’t you ask?”

They groaned at me. I don’t usually bicker back but the way Jaiden was treating this, as if they don’t know what they did, it’s just… it’s just getting to me. I don’t want to be like this but it’s getting to me.

“Salena, snap out of it, will you? You’ve been acting so pissy, lately! I literally didn’t even do anything!”

My body chose to scoff “Yeah, not with me, that’s for sure.”

They squinted at me, only half understanding what I meant. “Are you… mad we didn’t hang out this weekend?” They facepalmed, framing me as the idiot for being upset over that. “Dude, you can’t be serious, I said something came up! It’s not like I totally ghosted you or anything!”

It’s not like you totally ghosted me?

“...Jaiden, I don’t want to talk about this.”

“Why not?”

Shut up.

“I don’t feel okay talking about this.”

“Oh really? Like how you never feel okay confronting anything? What, do you just expect me to drop this because her highness isn’t feeling okay?”

My face feels boiling hot, I can’t help clenching my fists. I’m trying to breathe. Everything will be okay if I just breathe.

“A-are you crying? Ugh, seriously? It’s like all you ever know is how to run away or cry! We’re not thirteen anymore, just grow up!”

Stop.

“It was annoying when you were such an emotional crybaby back then but now it’s just getting ridiculous!”

STOP.

“Why aren’t you saying anything? Don’t tell me you’re upset that I’m right. That you’d rather selfishly push this to the side instead of just dealing with it like a normal person!”

Why are you being so mean?

“Salena, say something already! Stop with the pity party, the world doesn’t revolve around you-“

“I SAID SHUT UP!”

They did.

I didn’t mean to say that.

I don’t know for how long, but somehow I tuned out the noisy cafeteria, my ears bugged with a faint buzz. My eyes were fixed on them, and theirs on me. In all our five years of friendship, I’ve never not once yelled at Jaiden before.

“…Who even are you?…”

Those words sting. They sting because they’re right. Who am I?

“Moni! Reeves!” Draxum’s voice snapped me out of my daze. “Stop standing in the middle of my cafeteria and causing traffic!”

I guess that was our cue to sit down. And continue. Even though I don’t want to.

“Where do you think you’re headed, Moni?” For whatever reason he was still yelling at me from behind the food rack.

“T-to go find a seat?”

“I told you to head to the nurse! If that cut you got while helping me in the kitchen gets infected thanks to your horrid luck, I’ll be held responsible. So go there right now!”

Huh?…

“Y-yeah, sorry, I’m going.” I rushed out before Jaiden could say anything more. I’m a little shocked he was listening, even more so that he actually helped me.

Whatever, I’m just grateful for the excuse to get away.

I gently touched my heated forehead.

Plus, maybe going to the nurse isn’t such a bad idea, anyway.

***

The shiny streets reflected my steps as I took in the familiar damp scent. The gray fog left over after rain always gave the city a different vibe.

I got sent home early by the nurse. Apparently, another panic attack arose after talking with Jaiden. The nurse took pity on me when she realized and got me the rest of the day off, giving me a pass and everything. Told me to go home and take it easy. Come back tomorrow when I’m feeling better. I laughed at the memory. Oh, if only they knew going home meant the exact opposite.

So instead, I’m out here. Wandering in New York in its post-rainy weather to clear my mind. Maybe that’s why I keep having these thoughts. I don’t usually dwell on the whole shitty situation of my life. But right now, in the colorless skies and the somber silence, I can’t help but feel pathetic.

A pebble found its way into my boots. Annoying. I didn’t feel like dealing with it, though, so I just kept walking.

I walked more and more and more, trying to forget being present. Trying to forget this stupid mess I somehow got myself into. Wordlessly wandering, hoping the city would just swallow me whole so I wouldn’t be seen. I feel sick and ashamed but so enraged at the same time. How could they still continue to play dumb? After seeing me like that they pretended to know absolutely nothing. I’m not misreading anything, am I? What if I got the situation wrong? I can’t tell if I’d be happy Jaiden didn’t actually ditch me, or depressed I’d have yelled at them for nothing. They’re right but they’re wrong but they’re right. Or, at least I think they’re right? Maybe that’s wrong. Maybe I don’t know what I’m talking about. But that could mean so many things. What am I even talking about? What’s-

“Hello? Anyone there?” A pale hand waved in front of my eyes. I glanced up at its owner. “Welcome back to Earth, sweetheart.”

A tall blonde boy stood in front of me, a couple other boys whom I can only presume were his friends looked down at me with him.

“H-h-hi?...” My brain, still adjusting back to reality, only spoke in stammers “C-can I help you?”

One of his friends chuckled “We were wondering the same thing. You were just walking blindly into a dead end!”

For the first time since god knows when, I scanned my surroundings realizing I have no clue where the fuck I am. Somehow, I wandered into an alley, not too deep but still pretty disorienting. There’s a wall behind them, I guess that was the dead end they’re talking about. Two of them snickered while looking at a phone.

“You seriously recorded her?”

“Course I did. I knew girls were ditzy but this? She ran into a building, like, three times! And apologized to it!” Okay, I admit, not my best moment but still, feels a little weird for them to record it. I wonder how long they were filming before deciding to actually check in on me.

“Guys, stop. You’ll make her run away.” The blonde boy spoke again. “Don’t worry kitten, we’re not here to hurt you. You just looked lost. If you want some help finding your way, we’d be glad to assist!”

…I know he’s not saying anything inherently wrong, but the way he speaks makes my skin crawl. There’s something about his tone. It’s sweeter than it should be. That specific type of sweetness no human being shows without having ulterior motives.

His gaze grew more intense. “Do I… know you?” I don’t like how close his face is to mine.

A part of me got suspicious, too. We might indeed know each other. Or at least, I might know him. Blonde hair, green eyes, creepy as shit. But it’d be ridiculous if he’s actually who I think he is. I mean, not every blonde white guy’s gonna be related to-

“I do know you! You’re that cutie my brother keeps talking about!”

Yep, it’s him. Because my luck couldn’t get any worse, I ran into Cole Evans, Zane’s freakshow older brother.

No wonder my fight or flight feels triggered.

Play it cool. “I think you have me mistaken for someone else. And thank you, but I’m not lost.”

Right as I turned around to leave, my shoulders pricked up. He put his grimy hands on them, firmly grasping onto them as if any of this is fucking okay. “Oh, don’t be like that! What’d he say your name was… Salena, right? You think I’m as boring as Zane or something?” He spoke too close to my ear. My legs are trembling, aching to run. I hate this, I hate this, I hate this. “Why’re you being such a killjoy, hm? You know I’m not that much older than you, right?”

I need to go.

I spun around and elbowed his side as hard as I could, forcing him to stumble back. I desperately wanted to sprint but his friends blocked my path, grabbing my wrists when I tried reaching for the blades hidden in my backpack. They were laughing and poking fun at Cole and he himself didn’t seem all too phased either, straightening up as the pain died down.

“Let me go!”

“Seems like she’s more tiger than kitten aye, Cole?”

“Good thing I like the feisty ones.”

I thrashed around kicking and stomping, trying to hit anything I could or at least break free but nothing was working. They’re dodging everything and the grip on my wrists only gets tighter. All the while they’re mocking me like I’m a dog or something. Is this just a sick joke to all of them?

“Aww, look at her! Is that really the best you can do to fight back?”

I need to keep trying, I need to find a way out. But they have me trapped. I can barely move around. I can’t dodge, I can’t run. I don’t know how to fight, I’m useless if I can’t run. What do I do? What do I do?

BAM!

I didn’t realize how unstable my balance was. Not until I found myself fallen on the ground finally able to freely move my wrists. The guy restraining me earlier was now groaning on the ground too, holding the freshly bruised side of his face in agony.

“You wanna fight? Then pick on someone my size!”

“Raph?...” I watched from the ground, mouth hanging open.

Without hesitation, Raph charged at them. They were cocky at first but the atmosphere quickly shifted after seeing how powerful the “person” in the gray hoodie was. I don’t even blame them, I’ve never seen him punch anyone so hard before. He’d slam them into everything: the walls, the ground, I might’ve even heard bones crack. He’s taking all of them on.

Meanwhile, I’m here uselessly watching.

I should help. I want to help. I know he’s strong but there’s a good number of them and they’re not exactly weaponless. But what do I do? What could I do? I have my sickles but what if I make things worse? What if things get too messy, what if things go too far? If the police get involved-

Wait, an opening!

They’re so distracted dealing with Raph, no one’s blocking the way out!

Run! JUST RUN!

“Come on!” I grabbed Raph’s hand the first opportunity I could and fled from the scene, him confused but not stopping us.

We ran for what felt like forever. Just chose a direction and bolted, not much logic behind it. If anything, it felt like pure instinct. Traffic lights and stop signs didn’t seem to matter to me and frankly, I’m surprised we didn’t get run over. We only stopped when my lungs gave out and forced me to gasp for air.

Raph seemed fine, a little concerned, but fine. “You okay? Was passing by and heard ya scream. When I ran in, I found ‘em surrounding you.”

“Y-yeah, I’m just… I just, I-I don’t know. Sorry, can I just have a minute?” I continued heaving in the air, can’t tell if it was from running so much or another god forsaken panic attack.

Regardless, Raph stayed crouching by me as I held my throbbing head, trying to not cry. He's quiet but attentive, noticeably making an effort to avoid physical contact for now. Strangely enough, his presence alone is making me feel better.

I steadied my breathing “Th-thanks for jumping in, Raph. Um… sorry I couldn’t, ya know, handle it myself.”

“Nah, it’s cool. Not your fault those creeps were messing with you.”

“Still…” I wish I did more.

And just like that, my breathing progress backtracked “Sorry I… A-a lot happened today. Too much too soon and I have no clue how to just… Gosh, I don’t even know, I-I guess get it out?”

“Uhh, well uh…” His eyes lit up “Ooh! Actually, I’ve got a good way to deal with that kinda stuff, if you don’t mind comin’ over to the lair for a bit!”

“Oh, um, really? You wouldn’t mind?”

“Course not! Plus, Raph could use the company, anyway.”

Well, I’d definitely be safer in the lair than out here.

I gave a weak smile “Alrighty then. I’m down!”

He reached for my hand, only taking it when he was sure it was okay. We walked along the city streets for a while. His large hand practically engulfed mine, I felt like a little kid next to their big brother. Is it weird to say I feel a little safer that way?

We reached the lair, entering through a manhole and strolling till we reached an abandoned subway track. The familiar scent shot back to my brain. It’s strong but not overwhelming.

“Here we are! Home sweet home!”

It’s surprisingly empty today. “Where’s everyone else?”

“Probably doing their own thing. Hopefully safe. Raph, uh, doesn’t like thinkin’ about it too much.”

“Then Salena shall not question! So um… what exactly are we gonna do?-”

“Catch!”

I stumbled back in shock, peering down as whatever he threw now landed in my arms. They’re… boxing gloves?

“The fuck?”

“We’re gonna deal with your thoughts the best way I know: by punching ‘em in the face!”

I blinked as I realized he’s being completely and entirely serious. I hesitated at first, but then I really gave it a good thought. I’ve read before that working out can boost your mood. A little harmless violence is a strangely good way to let out anger, especially. Plus, if I make a habit of this, I might be able to boost my strength along with it! Then I wouldn’t have to solely depend on running all the time!

“Worth a shot!” I finally shrugged in acceptance and put on the boxing gloves, staring at the bag in front of me. “Do I just go ahead and punch it?”

“Yep, basically! But when you do, try thinking about whatever’s bugging ya and pretend it’s the bag. It’ll help you smash harder and make ya feel better!”

“Okie dokers, here I go.”

Smack!

I gave it a light punch to test it out, making sure to catch the bag as it swung back so it didn’t punch me instead. It hurts a little since I’m not used to the impact on my fist but it’s nothing that makes me scream and writhe in pain.

“Good job for your first hit, Salena! Now try and put some more force into it!”

I repeated my actions but with a stronger punch like he instructed. I kept doing it until I got a decent enough rhythm I could keep up with. So now it’s time for the second and arguably harder part: letting my thoughts out. I don’t really wanna think about the… situation in the street. So I guess what’s left is thinking about Jaiden instead. Ugh.

Smack!

Where do I even begin with this? I mean, I can’t even properly figure out how I’m feeling, let alone word it. All I know is that there’s a shit ton of guilt associated with it. I never meant to yell at Jaiden, it just sorta happened.

Smack!

But it’s not like it came out of nowhere, either! They’re the one who ditched me! Jaiden and I planned ahead of time to meet up and hang out, I made it explicitly clear I missed them and wanted to be with them. They said they were busy and didn’t even give me a reason for it! And then they hang out with Zane the same day? They basically chose him over me!

Smack!

But I shouldn’t have yelled either. I made things so much worse now, it’ll be too awkward to ever bring it up. They’ll just tell me off for getting mad and completely ignore everything else. God this is so frustrating!

SMACK!

Why did I have to be so stupid? Why did they have to be so mean? The things they said and the things I did! It’s all spinning around in a giant whirlpool of bad and dangerous thoughts and I hate it! I can’t stop thinking about it and I hate it! Have I been a bad friend? Is Zane that much better than me? Am I just not interesting? What did I do for them to just ditch me!

SMACK!

We’re best friends, why are we acting like this!? I let my temper get the best of me! I yelled at them, I fucking yelled at them! I’m mad and upset but fuck I yelled at them! I’ve never yelled at Jaiden before. We’re best friends. How could I do that!?

SMACK!!

I’m awful! I’m terrible! I feel like an asshole! I am an asshole! I should know better! I do know better! How could I fuck up so badly!? How could I do this!? How!? How!? HOW!? I DESERVE TO FUCKING-

“Salena!”

SMACK!!!

Raph’s arm went in between me and the bag, taking the hit in my place. I know he’s strong but judging from how loud the crash was, I doubt it didn’t at least sting.

“That was close. Everything okay? Why’d you stop punching? If the bag hit you it could’ve done some serious damage!”

“I didn’t realize I did…” I ran my hand through my hair, sighing heavily. “Ugh, fuck! Sorry, Raph. I don’t think I’m in the right headspace to do this. It’s just making everything feel more clouded than before.”

He stared at the bag for a moment. “Alright, well…” Then he let it rest, and faced me with his fists up. “We’ll spar instead.”

I tilted my head to the side, communicating my confusion.

“The whole point of this thing is to let your thoughts out, maybe if you’re just thinkin’ about it, it’s still keeping it in. If you’re cool with it, we could try talking instead of only venting while we fight and it might clear things up!” He chuckled lightly. “And don’t worry, Raph goes easy on first-timers.”

Honestly, he might actually have a point with that. “I’m open to trying!”

We’re starting off with some light jabs at each other. I felt a little out of place fighting Raph, partly cause I don’t like hitting him and partly cause I’m terrified to let him hit me. I’ve been dodging and blocking decently enough, though. HIs punches feel way lighter than normal so he wasn’t kidding about going easier.

“So, tell me. What’s bothern’ ya so much today?”

“It’s kinda my friend. I think I did something since they hadn’t talked to me much for days. And then one day when we were supposed to finally hang out, they told me something came up.” I punched a little harder, getting blocked by his forearm. “And then I found out that ‘something’ was them hanging out with our other friend who posted it on Instagram! They totally ditched me!”

He jabbed at my right, barely missing when I dodged. “Did you try talking to them? Could be a misunderstanding.”

“That’s the thing, every time I wanted to I just kept getting so mad thinking about it. And then when it actually happened, I wasn’t prepared and I screamed. They were being kinda mean but still, I never yelled at Jaiden before.”

The pace picked up some more. Raph’s hits were getting quicker and harder to dodge, I’ve had to shield myself more often. He did leave some opportunities, though. I’m gonna assume it’s on purpose to let me have a few hits but either way, it’s training so I’m gonna take full advantage of that.

“How long have you two been friends?”

“Five years, we’ve known each other since middle school. That’s why it’s killing me inside. You should’ve seen their face Raph, they looked so… shocked! Shocked that I had it in me, that I’m a shitty enough person to yell at my friend!”

“I mean, I get it but, you’re still human. No normal person’s gonna go through life never yelling at their friends.” He swung at me. “And if you’ve been friends so long, why don’t y’all just talk it out? Dontcha think apologizing would help?”

I ducked, narrowly missing it. “I mean, yeah it would, but that’s not gonna stop it from being an issue. Sometimes I’ve had to fight myself really hard to stay calm around Jaiden but I always managed to do it. Now that I blew up, though, it’ll just keep happening.”

“What do ya mean?”

“Anger issues.” I attempted a jab. “I’ve had anger issues growing up.”

“Ah. Yeah, Raph knows a thing or two about that.”

“It sucks because like, I try not to let it show. And I think I’ve done a good job. But everything’s been so overwhelming lately that I’ve been snapping left and right! I keep getting mad and forgetting to control my temper and doing stupid things as a result! It’s so annoying!”

The anger’s helping my punches get faster. I’m barely even focusing on it but I can tell I wasn’t moving this quick earlier. Somehow, I actually managed to land a hit on his plastron, though he didn’t even flinch. Still, it’s definitely helping me build up some power.

Maybe I shouldn’t have celebrated too quickly, though. He countered with a jab at my shoulder, forcing me to pause and regain my stance. He let me take my time, bouncing with his fists up like before and waiting for me to resume the fight. I did so shortly after catching my breath.

“Ya know, I’ve dealt with anger issues growing up, too. It’s why I got into working out so much, it’s a good outlet.” He started blocking more, letting me get a few more hits in to help me practice.

“Yeah, but your brothers love you a lot, you couldn’t have hurt them too bad. If you did, wouldn’t they just hate you?”

He laughed. “You’d be surprised! I was a real problem-child growing up, even worse than Donnie. I mean, I still loved my bros back then and acted the way I do now but… I still had a huge temper and wasn’t as good keeping it in check. Actually speaking of Dee, I did hurt him pretty badly once. Physically.”

My arms were getting tired. “What’d you do? If you’re okay sharing.”

“Well, uh, turns out anger issues and pre-teen hormones don’t mix well. It’s a little fuzzy but I know it was over something dumb. I was having a bad day so I started punching my room’s walls. It made a lotta noise and Donnie came in telling me I was bein’ too loud and it hurt his ears. I shoulda just stopped like he asked me to but I didn’t and started yelling at him and taking my anger out on him. Don didn’t back down, either, so we ended up arguing. I don’t even know how things got so heated but it got physical and I accidentally hit his shell.”

“What!?” I stopped for a moment, trying to take it in. I know Donnie’s a softshell and judging from how hard Raph’s been hitting even now when he’s being light, I could put two and two together. “Sorry that happened, Raphie. For both of you.”

“It’s fine, he wasn’t too badly hurt thankfully.” He threw a punch to signal me to keep going. “But he built his battleshell a few days later. I don’t think it was out of anger towards me, I don’t even think Dee remembers what happened other than us getting into a fight. But it still stung when I figured out why he made it.”

“And why was that?”

“...I think he built it so I wouldn’t have to worry about hurting him again. He knew I felt guilty and I wouldn’t stop apologizin’ to him for days. I think the battleshell was his way to keep himself safe but for my sake more than his.”

Raph began using a more offensive style, letting me play defense and rest my body a little. Perfect timing since I don’t think I would’ve been able to focus on giving strong hits. I’m just trying to process what happened. I knew Raph could get mad easily and shouts a bit. But I’ve never seen him really act violent towards his family, quite the opposite actually. It never even crossed my head that maybe he had to learn this the hard way.

“We’re both past it now and I’ve def gotten better with the whole temper thing. Plus that battleshell’s like, his favorite thing he ever made now. So all’s well that ends well, I guess!”

I slid back, shielding another hit. “Does it… still hurt you to think about it?”

He paused and chuckled. “You kiddin’? Hurts like hell.” Then went right back to fighting.

“So… how’d you do it? You seem so different compared to how you described yourself as a kid. Just… seems like a lot of change.”

“It was! I found better ways to deal with things. I worked out, listened to older songs, that kinda stuff. Still not the best I could be but it’s a work in progress!”

“I already do those things, though. I mean, not working out but like, I’ve got ways to cope with my anger. It just still happened.”

“Then there’s only one thing I can tell ya. It’s the hardest thing but also the most important.”

I freaked out when he swiped his leg at mine, knocking me off balance. I raised my head to look at him crouched by me again.

“Never give up on yourself. If you do that, it’s over.” He picked me up by my shoulders, me weighing absolutely nothing to him, and set me back on my feet. “But ‘till you do that, there’ll always be hope.”

He smiled, the snaggletooth gleaming. “Think we’ve done enough today. You look tired.”

“Yeah, I guess I am.” Truth be told, I didn’t entirely realize how worn out my body was ‘till he pointed it out. “Thanks for, well, helping me out with this stuff. You’re… a good friend, Raph.”

“Anytime.” He pointed at his shell. “Want a ride home?”

I grinned and nodded, my nerves washing away from me. I know from experience this relief is only temporary, but maybe it’s okay to enjoy it anyway.

We had a nice and pleasant walk back to my place, me on his shell as we talked about more lighter topics. He shared a lot about his music taste especially, R&B is his favorite and helps him chill out often. I’ve never given it a try myself but I’m always happy to have an excuse to. I got dropped off at my building’s entrance, strolling in as I thought about the last thing I asked him before bidding him goodbye.

“Raph… do you think I’m a bad person?”

“Not even close. Like I said before, you’re just human.”

I hate to admit it, but there’s a lump in my throat from thinking about it. Weird thing is, I don’t mind it. The elevator’s quiet hum only made this peace more apparent.

Ding!

And there goes my phone ruining that peace once again. I saw the notification, Zane texted. I guess his brother told him about our little “introduction”, if you can even call it that.

Ding!

He also told him about Raph. And he’s mad at me now, asking who the guy in the gray hoodie was. He’s more focused on Raph than on his brother’s bullshit. Lovely.

…You know what, this can wait for another day. One thing at a time, Salena. One thing at a time.

—

Next Chapter

#save rottmnt #rise of the tmnt #rottmnt #rottmnt oc x canon #rottmnt fanfiction #unpause rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles #rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles #rottmnt season 3 #nickelodeon #netflix #rottmnt s3 #rottmnt oc #oc x canon #rottmnt x oc #rottmnt moths fly in packs

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kannymaei · 2 years

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The Perfect Girl - Chapter 5 (Kamisato Ayato x Reader)

Author’s Note: Thank you so much for your support! I appreciate the likes and reblogs, together with the comments on Wattpad (Yes! I have the series posted there too!) We have a new banner too for the incoming arc (I rlly don’t know if I should call it an arc) SPOILER ALERT: Yae Miko’s lover is revealed at the end~ Hihi! Congratulations to people who guessed who was it way earlier eheh~ You are correct~ Someone is also gonna come back next chapter, I’m pretty sure some of you guys miss him already.

Author’s Note 2: All characters are OOC! Please be reminded that this fanfic is Modern! AU and Highschool! AU and none of this are canons to the actual lore of Genshin Impact. I do not own Genshin Impact or the characters in the game!

Synopsis: You were a graduating high school student who somehow got involved in unfortunate events and transferred to Teyvat International School. Due to your “complicated” physical features, you became the main target of the school’s “bully”, Kamisato Ayato! Together with his friends, Diluc Ragnvindr, Tartaglia, and Arataki Itto.

Word Count: 3.6k

Content Warning: Vulgar Words, Mentions of S*icide, A little inappropriate?

Taglist: @frieschan @nejibot

Masterlist

Next -> Chapter 6

"What does Koi No Yokan mean again?" Ayato asked while his attention was focused on his phone, he seemed to be texting someone.

"Okay, this is like the second time you asked me but Koi No Yokan is the exact opposite of love at first sight. You meet someone you don't like in the beginning but deep inside you know that you're going to fall in love with them" You explained again as you tried so hard to sketch the drawing.

"M-Miko, I'm sorry for earlier" Ayato stood up which made you roll your eyes because he wasn't listening to you, and continued your sketch. Your sketch looks like one girl and one boy being tied by a red string but both people seem to be drifting away from each other because they like someone else the main message of your sketch is that no matter what happens, the two of them would end up with each other even if someone tries to separate them from each other.

"They'll always find a way back to each other" you whispered and smiled at your sketch. You stood up to clean the eraser's shavings.

"What are you smiling at? Dumbass" Your body tensed up when you heard Ayato's voice behind you.

"I just finished the sketch all by myself!" You emphasize the word "myself" to let Ayato know that he wasn't doing any kind of contribution to your project.

What caught you off guard is that Ayato is cornering you in the wall, as he steps forward, you're taking one step backward at a time until your back touches the wall of his bedroom. He pressed his right hand on the wall while leaning towards you below because he's taller than you. (A/N: Yes… it is what you think it is… Ayato is pinning you against the wall)

His face gets closer to you until you could feel his breath on your lips, is he trying to kiss you? What the hell is wrong with this man, you closed your eyes because you were frightened by his actions when—

"Archons! You're so ugly! Nerdy glasses, thick eyebrows, and a messy bun. Do you think I'm going to kiss you? In your dreams!" Ayato laughed. You were dumbfounded as you stood in your place while the man in front of you is making fun of you. Little does Ayato know how beautiful you are.

"Y-you're going to regret this Ayato! I think having an individual project is a good idea— maybe I should suggest it to Mr. Venti and he'll like it-" Your mouth got covered with his hand.

"No, no, no, that's not going to happen" He stared into your eyes and with his smile widening as ever.

"I'm a good painter myself and that's my contribution~," He said and poked your forehead while his other hand was still pinned onto you.

Karma got served quickly as the door opened, you looked at the door to see the servant holding a tray of food while the kid peeked a little from the door. Ayato knew he messed up big time especially when Shouta saw him in that position with you.

"S-see! I told you Big bro Ayato doesn't break his promises! Miss Lady Glasses right there is his girlfriend!" Shouta shouted at Koharu. Ayato quickly let go of you and rushed to the door.

"S-shouta! I told you to knock-"

His eyes darken in front of the servant and the kid as he tried to remain his composure.

"Didn't… I tell you to knock before you enter." Ayato tried to speak calmly, that was the worst for him, you weren't his girlfriend at all but the kid now sees you as one.

"M-my lord! I beg for your forgiveness! I told Shouta to knock because my hands were full with the tray holding the drinks and snacks but Shouta chose to open it! Please don't punish Shouta, it's truly my responsibility. I would also like to inform you that Lady Ayaka came home by herself a few minutes ago." Koharu said and kneeled in front of him asking for forgiveness.

"No need, I understand. Thank you for the snacks Koharu and Shouta, and thank you for informing me about my sister's arrival" Ayato took the tray and immediately closed the door. Wait, is that right? He didn't say for the second time in front of the kid that you weren't his girlfriend? Maybe your mind is just a little fuzzy and making up things, you didn't think much about it as you watch Ayato walk towards you after he placed the tray on the table.

"You one lucky bit-" his reply to you was stopped by a sudden ring call from his phone on the other end of the table. You looked at the screen to see "Ajax".

"What is it now?" Ayato answered the phone and put it on speaker, you wondered why was it on speaker? For you to hear what they're talking about? Maybe Ayato knows that Childe would talk about you.

"I'm just making sure you haven't killed Y/N at this point, I saw your face earlier when Mr. Bard announced the partner would be your seatmate" Childe laughed.

"Childe, don't worry. I'm whole and still breathing here, he hasn't hurt me yet." You happily replied.

"Oh Miss L/N Y/N, you're here. I'm also informing you about your Knight in Shining Armor coming home soon~" Childe said, your Knight in Shining Armor? Could it be?

"Ugh, Childe, you could have just said Diluc," Ayato added.

"Isn't he Miss L/N's prince? I thought you said you were jealous when you saw him carry,"

"Fuck off with your nonsense, Childe" Ayato hang up the phone so you wouldn't be hearing more from him spitting out his dark secrets.

"He's just joking, stop being curious about it" he coldly replied. You laughed a little then grabbed a rice ball in the tray as your snack while he grabbed that cup of boba.

“As if I care about you, Ayato” He seemed to be a little stunned when you called him by his first name.

"I'm going to finish this in the canvas, you can go sit there and think about how ugly of a person you are," He said as he went to the storage room of his bedroom where some of his school supplies were placed.

You sat on his bed as you watched the blue rascal do his job. You feel a little tired from everything and lean a little on the pillow beside you and remove your glasses so you'd feel more comfortable. You smelled the scent of his bed and pillow and somehow felt that this was familiar to you but it seems that a specific memory has been taken away from you.

—

Ayato is 25% done with the painting as he ponders about Guuji Yae's actions earlier. Why was she jealous when he saw you and him together? She technically doesn't have the right to be jealous because he wasn't hers in the beginning. Ayato smiled when his mind wandered to the reason why Miko got jealous, maybe it would take a little more steps for Miko to be his girlfriend? Will his courting journey finally meet its end? Perhaps, he should bully you more often so he would always have Miko's attention.

"Maybe that's a great idea, if it's for Miko then it wouldn't hurt much to break my promise to my sister," Ayato muttered as he continued to paint on the canvas. He was painting without any kind of consciousness, he wasn't aware that he was painting the woman similar to your face.

Ayaka, on the other hand, is quite suspicious about why her boyfriend doesn't hang out with her often these days but she trusts him with his word that he is busy with his family. She doesn't know you were inside their home since she's quite an introvert herself and was reading books inside her room.

At the same time, Miko and her "special someone" is busy doing "something" while the Kamisato siblings are thinking of them as an individual. (A/N: I mean I'm pretty sure you guys already know what that is, it's just I'm not going to write NSFW/smut yet)

Ayato decided to take a break and when he looked behind his bed to see a sleeping Y/N. Ayato thought this was his chance… his chance to cut your hair. He stood silently for you not to wake up while he fetched his scissors and then walked towards you. He thinks why do you have this hairstyle while his hands make their way to your hair adjusting it a little bit and snap, he got your hair bun on his hand resulting in you having a short hair but looks a little weird (A/N: Okay so for visual description, it kinda looks like Yelan's hair but more messed up and more wavy than straight)

"Pfff! She looks so funny" His eyes widened when you opened your eyes to see him in front of you holding a scissor and a ball of hair.

"W-what?" You said but your head is feeling odd, it somehow felt lighter than it was and that is where you noticed that he cut off your hair and thought that it was funny.

"Did you?!" You asked but you never heard a proper reply, it was just Ayato laughing at you. He even has the hair tie that your parents gifted you for your 17th birthday.

"You look so funny! Hahaha!" Ayato said, whereas his hands were placed on his stomach because he can't control his laugh looking at you.

"Y-you think this is funny!" You shouted at him, for a long time you've never felt this angry seeing someone do this as a joke, and on top of that, he doesn't want to hand back the hair tie to you.

"Yes because, I am Kamisato Ayato," he said seriously. You can't do anything to him, you wouldn't fight back because that would mean you'd hurt him too. What you did was grab the ball of hair he got from your bun and run outside of his house. At least you got back the gift from your deceased parents.

"He's so heartless!" You walked out of his residence, you wanted to call for your driver but of course, good luck is on your side hence why your phone ran out of battery. The cherry on top of this good luck of yours is it suddenly rained and you don't have your umbrella with you. You wondered if the nearest parlor shop was near Ayato's residence, it didn't matter to you if you got wet from the rain. You just need to fix your hair.

It's been 30 minutes since you started walking and you're soaking wet already when you finally reach the parlor only to see Lumine having her nails done.

"What happened to you?" Lumine said, rushing over to you.

"Ayato, cut off my hair when I accidentally fall asleep, it's a long story but I'm pretty sure you know we were doing that project not unless you didn't see him dragging me all across the school's hallway and parking area," you said while accepting the towel offered to you by the staff to dry yourself.

"Oh, I haven't? Is that where you went? So you finally met my brother?" Lumine asked but what answer would you give if you didn't see someone that looks like her when you were at the Kamisato residence?

"Brother?" You gave a confused look at her but she looked more confused than you are.

"Yeah, Aether, we're both blondes and probably the same height as Albedo. He texted me more than half an hour ago that he was hanging out with Ayato and his girlfriend" She said.

"No, no, you got it wrong. What I mean is—" you stopped and recalled what Koharu said.

---

"I would also like to inform you that Lady Ayaka came home by herself a few minutes ago"

---

"The servant said Ayaka came home by herself, maybe that's the reason why I never saw your… brother," You said.

Lumine was surprised by your answer, so she was right. Her brother is hiding something. Something he doesn't want to share.

"That can't be right, no, that's impossible." She said which made you confused.

"I don't understand" You replied.

"Oh, no, it's just a personal hunch of mine don't mind it. What you should mind is drying up yourself and fixing your hair that Ayato ruined" She faked a smile, the staff told you to sit for a while while they finish cleaning up the flooring before they assist you.

"Yeah, just make it what fits my face the most," You said to the staff.

"You know what fits you the most? A whole makes over" Lumine giggled.

"Yeah! Give her a whole makeover from that thick eyebrows, remove her glasses, and fix her ugly hair, sorry about that Y/N but it's really ugly" Lumine said and whispered the last line. You were dragged by the staff and it's like you were a celebrity, having too many hands working on your head. It does feel a little dizzy having a lot of people around you to the point you can't see yourself in the mirror anymore.

You felt like a different person when the people surrounding you started to move away and when you look in the mirror, you saw your mother from 20 years ago.

"Y/N… you look… beautiful" Lumine said but before you can reply you sneeze.

"Archons, I probably caught a cold," You said and sneezed again.

"Let's get you home shall we?" Lumine held your hand and showed you her umbrella as you told her the directions to your residence.

–

Back in the Kamisato residence, Ayato dialed Ajax's phone number on his phone and waited patiently for his answer.

"What? I got dragged by Itto and Sara at the new cafe" Childe annoyingly replied.

"Great! Itto's there! Calm down and put your phone on speaker" Ayato excitedly said.

"WASSUP my bro, my man" Itto said on the other line while he wrapped his hands around Sara.

"Okay so, I'm with Y/N earlier"

"What are you even doing with that bitch? Did your standards get lower?" Sara added.

"She fell asleep and I took advantage of that opportunity, I cut off her hair bun with my elegant scissors" Ayato proudly said

"THAT'S SO COOL" Itto shouted.

"YOU DID WHAT?" Childe snatched his phone away from Itto, he can't believe his best friend had just done that.

"Do I have to repeat it? I cut off her hair, it's just… a little trim." Ayato replied

"NO, I MEAN WHY DID YOU DO THAT? A LITTLE TRIM? SHE HAS A WHOLE MESSY BUN ON HER HEAD, that's not a big thing." Ayato can't believe that Childe was scolding him.

"That's not funny at all…" Childe sighed with disappointment.

"She's already ugly and you made her more ugly. That's so fetched ~" Sara added. (A/N: Yeah I got that line from mean girls, I rewatched it for the 6th time LOOOL)

"Can't wait to see her tomorrow HAH My bro, my man, Ayato is doing the archon's work" Itto laughed.

"You have to apologize to her, Ayato, that's not nice. What got into your mind about cutting a girl's hair? What would Miko think if her future boyfriend was like that?" Childe continued to scold, if he was with Ayato right now he would have punched him to wake him up.

"I think Miko would like it- Speaking of Miko, did you guys see her? She kinda… stormed out after seeing me and Y/N together" Ayato remembered that he only sent a voicemail as his apology, he doesn't know where Guuji Yae is right now.

"Oh… I thought she was with you but Sara tried to contact her earlier but her phone seemed to be out of service and just said to leave a voicemail or something" Childe said which made Ayato worried, what if she self-harms herself? What if? Ayato stopped and immediately ended his call with Ajax, Miko is a strong girl, she wouldn't do that.

Ayato was impatient with the ringing, he was hoping that Miko would answer.

"Ayato?" Miko answered, the sound of her voice looks like she was exhausted from doing something.

"M-Miko! How are you? I'm so sorry about earlier, it's not what you think" Ayato apologized.

"Oh I'm completely doing fine, you know, right now I'm on a little friend date with Sara," Miko said which made Ayato raise an eyebrow.

"Sara? Can I talk to her?" Ayato asked. It's not possible that Sara would be in two places at once because he knows that Sara was with Itto and Childe. How come right now she would be with Miko?

"T-t-talk to her?—" Miko stuttered because the truth is, she wasn't with Sara at all. She was just laying in bed after having sexual intercourse with her special someone.

"O-oh! She's currently in the bathroom right now" Miko added.

But Ayato wasn't having it, he knew that she was lying.

"Well, then I'll wait for her" Ayato changed his voice into a serious tone.

"Oh, I see what's happening here. You don't trust me, are you? Ayato, I'm not yet your girlfriend and now you're having trust issues with whoever I'm with right now? Why won't you ask Sara yourself huh?" Miko annoyingly said and hang up her call as she crawled to the other side of the bed to make love again with this special someone.

Ayato was currently dismayed, there's no need for him to ask Sara because he knows that Sara is in a cafe with Itto and Child but there's one last gleam of hope, maybe Miko arrived after his call with Childe? His hands shakingly dialed Ajax's number.

"What now?" Childe coldly responded.

"A-ajax…" Ayato said this made Childe worried because Ayato's tone seemed to be different than it was earlier.

"Is M-Miko with you?" He calmly asked.

"You heard it from us earlier that she was unreachable, that's why it's only the three of us here. I also got an update from Lumine that she saw Y/N in the salon while she was having her nails done soaking wet because it rained after she left your house. I'm still mad at you until you apologize to her tomorrow." Childe said and hung up the call.

Apologizing to you wasn't his problem, his problem was Miko is lying about her whereabouts. His coping mechanism was, that he thinks that she was just with her family and everything.

—

You finally returned home and bid your goodbyes to Lumine who helped you. You went to take a shower since you got soaking wet in the rain and admired your "new" self in the mirror. Your image resembles the younger years of your mother, oh how you miss her. She would probably tease you when your father first courted your mother because he was awkward about it.

"Ah relationships, I don't have time for that," you said and went into the bathtub. As you close your eyes, out of nowhere, you think of the blue rascal, Kamisato Ayato. You opened your eyes and wondered why you were even thinking of him?

—

While hanging out with Itto and Childe. Sara recalled what happened earlier during their free time in class and they went together alone in the bathroom. Someone texted Miko as the notification pops up, she isn't the type of person who invades someone's privacy. But this is one message that she can't ignore. The notification of the message said the sender was from "Kujuo Sara 💌", she wasn't even texting her. She opened the message and read sweet messages and exchanged I love you's. She assumed this was Ayato and was probably hiding that they were in a relationship not until she saw Ayato's inbox which was cold and dry.

Sara's eyes widened, she was completely shocked when she realized what happened and Miko caught her reading the messages on her phone after she went outside the stall.

"Why are you invading my privacy?" Miko said she was worried if Sara saw something on her phone.

"I'm sorry… my kitsune" Sara mocked the message from her lover.

"Miko, tell me the truth. That's not Ayato, right? That person who's named Kujuo Sara 💌… who is that?" She added, Miko's body froze, she doesn't know what to reply.

"S-Sara, please don't tell Ayato. I… I fell in love with Aether when we first met, he wasn't like Ayato-" Miko kneeled, begging Sara to keep her secret.

"AETHER? DO YOU MEAN, THE BOYFRIEND OF AYATO'S SISTER? AYAKA? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW?" Sara can't believe that her best friend is dating the boyfriend of his suitor's sister.

"Just so you know Miko, there are no secrets that time doesn't reveal. But you're on your own on this one. I'm not going to tell Ayaka or her brother but if everything finally unfolds, the Kamisato siblings get to know the truth. I'm not going to support you." Sara said and exited the bathroom leaving Miko in a shocking state as if she was about to cry.

While drinking her coffee, she thought that maybe the reason they can't call Miko was that she was probably with Aether.

—

"I love you so much Aether," Miko said as she continued to kiss him while they are in bed finishing their sexual intercourse.

"Am I better than Ayaka?" She teased which made Aether laugh.

"Way better than her, that girl is pure and untouchable" Aether laughed as he stroked Miko's pink hair.

"Wanna do another round?" Aether teased Miko again and she pulled him to the other side of the bed.

Next -> Chapter 6

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furcoat · 2 years

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Hi, you don't need to answer this but I'm very worried about you, I really hope this doesn't come as intrusive. I think that you should reconsider that surgery. There's nothing wrong with being trans, please don't get me wrong because it's totally cool, and if you really need some stuff to feel a little more relieved about dysphoria that's ok. But I've seen countless of bad surgeries. No doctor can build an actual penis or vagina. They are literally making money from very dysphoric and s*icidal trans people. Please consider that it's irreversible and that you were a teenager just a couple of years ago. Things change. Not saying that you will stop being trans. But maybe you can be trans and be at peace with your body without hurting it. It may be amazing for awhile, but it's not worth losing the body (that you think you will hate forever) that's trying to keep you alive. Also you can stop your period with pills, you don't need to get rid of an organ that actually holds your other organs and protects them from prolapse. I honestly think that you're just fine, and you literally pass with no doubt lol. I never realised that you were trans although I've seen you in pictures. The thing with transition it's that it's never enough because the actual process needs to take place inside. This is coming from my own experience from years with a lot of transmen/transmasc friends and classmates including my best friend from 10 years. I promise this means well I don't want you to stop being trans I'm worried you'll take it like that. Again you don't need to answer this maybe think about it a little more, and consider that if you take a step back, no good person is going to call you a traitor or non trans or something that you're not. The right people will always be there for you. Pls be safe !! <3

wow u really wrote that entire paragraph about my dick huh

• they can make a “real dick” phalloplasty is a multi staged surgery u have probably seen a lot of stage 1 phallo dicks that don’t ‘look cis’

• incredibly diminutive to say i am young and can’t make my own decisions what happened to bodily autonomy

• i think u have a huge misunderstanding of why ppl get SRS. i want to feel at home in my body and not be constantly notice how my body is wrong it’s for me not anyone else

• my organs have already been exoricised and yet…..funny how i am prolapse free…..LMFAO u r a mess

• thanks for saying u couldn’t tell i guess i won after all

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patethenovice · 2 years

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1) y’all ain’t got anything better to do? MAN you care about heads of state way more than heads of government.

2) y’all think countries don’t have national ceremonies? 😒 maybe it’s an american thing for all y’all who live somewhere that’s not washington dc. as i do live there, let me disabuse you of the notion that national ceremonies are a rarity. how about they take the money the royal family yields in tourism-related travel and trade to pay for the funeral and then use the millions leftover to send y’all a juicebox.

3) it’s not my place as someone who doesn’t live near the border of ireland and that...other place to hint at anything like encouraging a return of the Troubles. and this does kill me. as someone from a whose grandfather’s parents were chased out of British-identity-obsessed (they don’t have one; no one but you considers you British except for yourselves) inferiority-complex-manifesting via reaffirming with KKK enthusiasm Catholic-hatred (K.A.T.????) -land into Scotland where my grandfather was born before emigrating to Trump country, thus cutting me out of Irish and EU citizenship by THREE YEARS. i am, personally, an irish nationalist. personally meaning not an activist, not chanting or posting shit on the shitstain that is ulster (another reason i die is because my mic name is a variant of ulsterman 🤬🤬🤬🤬) do y’all realize it’s not your place to encourage a repeat of the Troubles? that’s where y'all are some real fucks. seriously, fuck yourself before you speak. a how-to: take a nice vibrator, get off, and rethink whether its your place to want to stir up the Troubles if you live comfortably away from the bombzone.

4) i don’t even put a lot of blame on the monarchy for the famine. when visiting famine ruins, i got the impression it was English landlords (aka 1%ers) who were profiting by and therefor enforcing the famine. i might be wrong. you could say it was done in the name of the monarchy. that’s where being head of state gets to be a position with a lot of cons. but royalty are RICH! King George (Queen Elizabeth’s father) died early out of boredom, not stress! He should have died sooner aehrhrgjhgajrghrjagharjgh!!!!!!

5) my fav (ex)royals said it was Charles, not Elizabeth, who was being passive aggressive and racist. by all means, say their narrative shouldn’t be more valid than your own if you must.

6) i don’t know why y’all are so opposed to the idea of separating the head of state and head of government in the first place. if we had a presence like that here in the states, uninvolved in politics, neutral, a first lady sort of type but way bigger, big enough to solidify an identity, an identity closer to the founding fathers than any 2 party system--i might not have 100% forsaken my nationality. my grandfather’s country might have been fucked by English colonialism but my mother’s country was fucked by American colonialism. so I’ve never been actually proud of America. but living abroad, I came to at least accept it as irreparably part of who I am. after trump became the whole embodiment of the US though? state and government? an ugly picture of an ugly face (the country’s ugly face; it’s redundant to mention trump’s face and mention ugliness). i choose to be drifting and s*icidal rather than face that stain of my identity again.

all in all?

keep calm and fuck y’all

#queen elizabeth #well i jumped on some dumbass bandwagons out of excitement in my younger years #when i still had excitement #there are storms we cannnnot weatherrrr #i had a dream my life would beeee so different from this hell im living so different now from what it seeeeemed #but all yall and the rest not yall have killed the dream #i dreameeeed

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sidewayspeace444 · 2 years

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Hi I just found your page, and I was wondering what kind of energy you get from me. I’ve been feeling hopeless and a bit s*icidal lately, and I have no idea what I’m gonna do with my future I just applied for a new job and I haven’t heard back yet. It’s really nerve-racking. I just want to be meaningful to someone you know? It just feels like I’m going nowhere.

Keep going. You have a purpose on this earth so don’t ever cave to those thoughts. I’m sensing you have a block of creativity, and maybe the job you applied for isn’t the dream job you actually want? I could be wrong. I do see you receiving a call back! I also see that you’re going to get another opportunity for another job in the next 4-6 months. I’m feeling late October really heavily!

I think before you mean something to someone, you need to appreciate yourself. I know that’s so corny but self love is so important! When you love yourself, and you’re confident in the person you are then that shine will draw your special someone to you like a magnet. Keep fighting. Things are going to get better!

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stimton · 2 years

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Holy [$!$!]! It’s a stim blog! [Intro + Don’t interact + Request status under the cut]

I do not consent to interaction from / I don’t want to interact with:

the obvious bigots; racists, ableists, colorists, antisemites, fatphobes, etc or anyone who thinks these are non-issues; and yes being "anti" blm or being "transrace" is racist and yes "transabled" is ableist

queer exclusionists (so dni if you are __anti__ aro/ace, pan/omni/mspe,c gay/msp.ec lesbian, nb gay/lesbian, mogai/microlabel, etc) or label yourself as truscum/exclusionist - this includes thinking of bigotry against these people as ""lesser"" or ok sometimes

defend fictional or irl p*dophilia or inc*st, label as pro/comship/profiction, "anti-anti" or misuse the term "purity culture" when called out on this

anti non traumagenic system/fakeclaim any system for any reason

think you can use the labels transrace/transabled in any good faith way [besides transracial adoptees using the word with its actual meaning], or support people using labels like these

defend or blog about harry potter or the dream smp/creators who've been in the dsmp

s*icide baiters/people who tell anyone to kill themselves

You can request:

Stimboards [Duh!]

Making GIFs [Send me a YouTube, Tumblr, Twitter, or TikTok video & I will make GIFs from it]

DNI banners [You can specify what you want it to say, or I'll just put my standard DNI on it]

Icons/Avatars [Tell me what website it's for please so I know what size to make it, OR I can make reply icons instead]

Spamton says: Don't send dumb discourse asks! My [traumagenic] system & I are making this blog a fun + safe space for good feelings! thank you for respecting our boundaries and just blocking us when you're on this DNI.

#a love letter for you.txt

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elizabethnightingale4 · 2 months

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Guys I had the fucking weirdest dream and I do not know how to take it.

First things first I’ll start out by saying I write a lot, I write in nature a lot (when it isn’t blistering hot/cold) so it isn’t super surprising that I dreamed about going to an abandoned camping area in a forest to write. That’s not the weird part.

The fucking weird part was the two identical black suv like cars that were just abandoned there. One actually in a camp spot (obv v old b/c the tires were all flat) the other just parked on the side of the road, not as old but still covered in leaves and dust as if it’s been there a few weeks. At first I don’t really acknowledge them, I go sit at the picnic table in a separate camping area. There is a couple that has started a fire the fire pit next to me where the older car is. They leave as I get situated. So i decide hey, having a little fire might be nice. I’ll start my own but let’s see if the couple left any logs when they left. Well when I walk over again the time of yr changes it WAS like summer-ish turning to Fall but when I walk into their area there is like 2 ft of snow on the ground. The older car is covered up to the bottoms of the doors and as I walk over, (unnerved but unsure why), I notice that they’ve left with their fire still burning.

My immediate reaction isn’t “yo wtf forest fire” it’s “oh hey now I don’t have to start my own fire.” the only issue is that this fire is UNDER the layer of snow and I’m not talking like it’s made to be that way I mean it’s literally like the snow fell over top of the fire and it just kept going. I blow on the flame through a little hole in the side to get it bigger but the snow isn’t melting. It’s about at this pt that I start thinking, “shit these cars have been here ages.. I should check if the ppl who own them have been reported missing” because I’m starting to think that ppl might have come here to commit s*icide. The only problem is that every time I try to focus on the license plates it’s like they are covered in a blurred filter.

Here the dream shifts and I’m in this old decrepit house and my anxiety is fucking sky rocketing. Sally Jackson is talking to me in the back of my head like saying some shit I can’t remember all I remember thinking was “thanks sally that’s so fucking helpful”

This room I’m in has 2 doors 1 is a door that locks w/ no problem, the other locks but doesn’t latch so the door doesn’t stay closed. There is a rocking chair tied to the door by a rubber hose or something and I try to wedge the rocking chair up against the door. The only problem is the top doesn’t reach the handle which is obnoxiously high up on this door.

Right next to the door is an open closet that has a chest of drawers in it, so I think okay, I can move this in front of the creepy unlockable door, but as I move it I realize that it’s been set up in front of this fucking HUGE HOLE in the wall so I set it back and I’m like fuck. Because it’s getting dark and I know something bad is going to happen once it’s dark and that’s when I wake up.

I literally wake up thinking I don’t want to dream that dream any more lmfao

But like wtf the snow on the fire and the cars? Wtf is going on in dream land?

#dreams #dream interpretation

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bruhhidontknoww · 4 months

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(Tw for discussion of child abuse, self harm, eating disorders, s*icide attempts, bullying, sexual assault/r*pe)

Why do I wish I suffered more? Because I didn’t have it that bad

Sure my mom threatened to hit me with a spatula/wooden spoon when I was in preschool for reasons I didn’t understand (maybe she actually did, I don’t remember) and I thought she didn’t like me for the first few years of my life, but it’s not like I actually got the shit beat out of me and we got so much closer once I got older. She did so much for me and was always there for me and we developed such a strong bond

Sure I dealt with some emotional abuse, whether it be parentification from my mom or silent treatment/gaslighting/emotional manipulation from my dad but honestly, my mom did it because she had no one and I can’t even remember if my dad really did it that often. I certainly didn’t have it as bad as my sisters. Did he even really do that? It could have been worse, I could have been emotionally abused all the time or even verbally abused. And both of my parents did so much for me- they went easy on me for so many things, definitely easier than they did on my sisters, and I got expensive clothes and makeup and they paid for me to do activities, go on vacations/trips, etc. and they still do a lot of that for me now in my early 20s since I still live at home

Sure I’ve had to be my mom’s therapist since I was about 9, but it brought us closer together and again, we have such a strong bond now

Sure I had to watch my parents’ dysfunctional and emotionally abusive marriage but it’s not as bad as it could have been. My mom and I moved out for a few months with her mother and had to go back after those few months but it’s whatever, nowhere near as bad as it could have been

Sure I’ve been depressed since I was about 5 and have bipolar disorder and grew up with undiagnosed ADHD and autism and possible OCD and didn’t understand myself and dealt with so much self loathing that led to binge eating disorder, body image issues, and self h*rm but like… so what? I’m nowhere near as severe as other people with these disorders. And yeah I attempted s*icide when I was 13 but was it even a big deal? Because again, I didn’t really have it that bad

Sure I dealt with my peers excluding me and subtly making fun of me and I felt like a fucking freak my entire childhood but I was so weird and sometimes mean with my peers because I thought they were mean to me so can you really blame them? Plus it’s not like I was called names or physically hurt by any of them. I call it bullying because I think it was, but maybe I’m wrong

Sure I once had my friend climb on top of me and stroke my breast unconsentually while I froze and watched her do it but was it really sexual assault or abuse? It’s not like I was r*ped and it’s not like an adult did it to me, plus it was only one time

So why am I so fucking miserable and feel traumatized? Why do I wish it was worse?? It honestly wasn’t all that bad. I should have had it worse. This is so insulting to people who had it worse, but I wish I did. At least then these feelings would actually be justified

#tw abuse #tw self loathing #tw ptsd #child abuse #child trauma #cptsd vent #childhood trauma #self h@rm #tw disordered eating #bullying #tw sex assault

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thots-n-prayrs · 1 year

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I am depressed and bored and trying something new.

I have never journaled. Ever. I just don’t have the drive, or the ability to do something consistently. My life has been a series of hyperfixations that burn out and are soon replaced by brand new hyperfixations, so consistency is just...not my thing.

But I guess now that I have the itch to write, I will.

The whole point of doing it on Tumblr is that I’m screaming into the abyss and I know it. I don’t need a response. I don’t even need for this to be acknowledged, much less actually read. I just want to write it, but I don’t want to keep a running document on Google and I don’t have my own computer right now to keep shit like this on.

I’ve been in a weird state since at least Sunday. Months ago, my wife printed out the “how s*icidal are you” scale my therapist gave me and put it on the fridge so I could move a magnet up and down as my depression ebbs and flows. This probably happened because of one or two incidents where I was s*icidal and didn’t even tell my wife until it passed, and I freaked out, broke down crying, and told her I what I had been feeling and planning.

Sunday-ish, my mental state jumped from where it hovers, around three (”I wish I was d*ead”) to five (”I want to k*ll myself.”) Five is not yet cause for concern. Six is where you should start to get worried. Seven is where you should be more worried. Eight is where you should probably call my therapist or the hospital, because nine or ten is extremely bad.

Well, it hasn’t gone back down. I’ve hovered right here, unusually high, for days. It’s really strange and kind of awkward being in the stage of ideation where you’re thinking about it but not planning. It’s impossible to honestly answer a “how are you.” And, it’s uncouth to tell your co-workers, “Yeah, so, I’m struggling a lot with x, y and z because I am actively fighting my own brain just to stay alive.”

“Stay alive” meaning I don’t want to move any higher up on the scale. Ideally, we move down.

So the problem is that I don’t really know how to move it down. Historically, I have one big cataclysmic breakdown, and then when it subsides, I’m somewhat better. I drift back down to a three. The problem with whatever this is is that it won’t seem to hit the crescendo and subside like it has before. I’m just...here. Like this. Trying so hard to hold myself together -- which isn’t going great since this particularly bad depressive episode is affecting everything. It’s affecting work quite badly. I’m making mistakes I would have never normally made. I’m forgetting everything, even if I write it down. It’s overall going pretty poorly.

(My therapist, my wife and myself made a crisis plan, by the way. My stupid brain found ways around it.)

And all I can really do is remind myself that my wife doesn’t deserve to be widowed. Papa doesn’t deserve to bury another family member way too young -- least of all his own child. Nobody deserves the ridiculously high expenses of a funeral and a burial or cremation.

The other thing I keep reminding myself is that this bad haircut is going to grow out. My hair grows fast. It will be worth watching it grow back to a length I like. It will be worth having cut and styled in a way I actually like it.

My health goals are worth pursuing. I gained weight again when I stopped working a physical job. It’s totally worth learning to exercise without accidentally injuring myself. It’s worth watching myself get slim again, and maybe trying to build muscle like I always wanted to. The only issue with all this is my body, because, well. Chronic pain and fatigue. But one of the ways people deal with fibromyalgia is exercise and changing to a healthier diet.

It’s all worth pursuing, and I can sort of see it in some moments, but then it vanishes and I get lost in the now. Well, right now I’m overweight. Now I’m tired and in pain. Now my hair is ugly (to me).

I’ll be fine in the end. It’s just hard right now. I’m not going to k*ll myself, don’t worry. If I were planning that, I wouldn’t be writing this -- I would be planning or executing...horrible, horrible joke, yikes.

#screamingintothevoid

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murphyslawyer · 2 years

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Every damn time I talk to my f*ther I get less and less confident that I'll ever fully be free.

#Johanna speaks #vent in tags #Is it normal that sometimes I just wish he'd beat the shit out of me so that other family members would ACTUALLY want to be on my side?#bc they KNOW I’m right and that he’s a shitty father/person but then they’re just like #'yea but you can't cause conflict bc he's your father and you need him' (by 'you need him' they 100% mean 'you need his money' btw)#Just admit that you don't want to deal with conflict within our family and that you're willing to sacrifice my wellbeing for that #bc he’s not harming you just me. To you he’s just mildly annoying.#And still it would be way easier for them to exclude him than it is for me. Why don’t they just. Do that?#Sure they don’t know about every single thing he’s done but still.#Can't they see that I can never be my true self and speak up when I'm around him??#Do they really think that pathetic sad little apathetic excuse for a person they see whenever he’s here is me?#I just feel so lonely in all of this. I’m starting to think that I’m crazy bc I’m the only one who sees anything wrong in this #Any time I have to spend a little time with him feels like an act of violence. Even if he’s just there and doesn’t talk to me.#There’s no undoing to years and years of manipulation and emotional abuse. Any time he’s here I can’t help but feel like shit.#I must either be crazy or acting like a teenage brat bc if I say I don’t want to be with him #people are just like ‘oh but is he hurting/annoying you so much now?’#like I need new excuses to feel uncomfortable around him #Fuck him. I hope he fucking chokes.#But apparently I’m the one who needs to be gone bc no one gives a shit #edit: that’s not a s*icide threat just let me be #I’m so angry I just want to break stuff

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shotorozu · 3 years

Note

Can I request Class 1A x Reader hcs, platonically of course, where the reader has a really dark sense of humor. Like they make lots of self-deprecating and suicidal jokes (like Scotty Sire suicidal jokes). And they just be caCkLiNg at them. Like, their pretty nonchalant about the whole thing and everyone is like: ?!? There fine mentality and emotionally, they just like making dark jokes, but they usually have to reassure people because they get asked about it... A lot

reader with a dark sense of humor

character(s) : the entirety of class 1-A

headcanon type : fluff to crack (hurt/comfort if you squint)

legend : [Y/N = your name, L/N = last name] they/them pronouns, you have a strong quirk, but the details aren’t so specific

disclaimer/warning : self deprecating jokes, sewerside jokes— feel free to skip this post!

note(s) : you know, at first i wasn’t going to do this because you said s*icidal jokes but then i was like WAIT i can make jokes like this, bc i tried commiting before but besides that, i want to apologize for the wait!

»»————-　♡　————-««

class 1-A

okay, but all of them were caught off guard by your sense of humor at first, because.. it’s dark humor— they weren’t expecting it

the first time the class got experience of your humor was when the class was watching an important documentary about safety protocols

“oh, that’s me!” you comment, when the shot of a piece of rubble appeared on screen— this comment catches your classmate off

“what do you mean, L/N?” iida asks, not really understanding “that’s not you! that’s a piece of rubble.”

“exactly.” then you laugh it off like it was funny?? but the entire class was just in pure disbelief.

your quirk was so strong?? i mean.. you’re a strong person in general but they weren’t really expecting the self deprecation from you

then, you did it again, before homeroom started— uraraka asked if you ever went skydiving before, because it reminded her of a practice exercise that happened hours before

“ah, yeah i have! i didn’t really like it though. it’s because i had to wear a parrachute.”

silence

minus the wild laughing that was hard to contain from your lips

the final straw was when bakugou asked you why you weren’t working at a funeral home— which is a rather sad place

and you just answered with “because i’d be jealous 🙄 duh.”

okay. maybe it was time to stage an intervention

they all end up asking you if you were doing okay first, and if you needed help, they’d all be willing to give you that.

turns out that was just your sense of humor, and that you’re actually doing good mentally. “i appreciate the concern, but my sense of humor has always been like that!”

sigh of relief

they’re glad you’re doing really good, but they’re just wondering— what caused you to have a sense of humor like that??

they all eventually get used to it, it wasn’t like you were spouting jokes every 5 minutes but that doesn’t mean all of them get the punchline-

like when it was your birthday, and they were all asking you if your day was nice, and if you enjoyed the day

“i’d say it was fine, i don’t enjoy the fact that i was born today though.”

iida and midoriya choose to not laugh at your jokes, because they think it’s wrong of them to laugh at jokes with that kind of nature

kaminari just laughs at your jokes, but kirishima and yaoyorozu just stare with concern, smiling like 😀

“they’re actually okay?”

“yeah! i think..”

todoroki still tells you that you’re not trash though, shaking his head whenever you compare yourself to a trashcan whenever you guys pass by one in public

“that’s my mood for today!—”

“L/N,”

“sorry, sorry.”

the contrast between your quirk and your sense of humor is HUGE. whenever people get shocked by your sense of humor

the class is just like 🤷🤷‍♀️ “this is the normal”

aizawa wonders why he chose to be a teacher every single time you make a joke

»»————-　♡　————-««

likes and reblogs are appreciated, thanks for reading!

i do not own bnha/mha and it’s characters. boku no hero academia/my hero academia belongs to horikoshi kohei. i only own the writing and i do not profit off of my hobby

do not plagiarize, reupload, translate, or use my works in audio readings without my permission

felt cute, might delete in a few hours

#class 1 a headcanons #class 1 a x reader #bnha imagines #bnha x reader #bnha x you #mha x you #mha x reader #mha imagines #bnha x y/n #bnha fluff #mha x y/n #todoroki x reader #midoriya x reader #bakugou x reader #kirishima x reader #yaoyorozu x reader #kaminari x reader #bnha headcanons #mha headcanons

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thedeviljudges · 2 years

Note

Tbh, Gaon's parents loved each other more than they loved Gaon.

Also, Gaon loved Yohan more than he loved Elijah (sorry for saying this, but that's the truth. Gaon trying to kill himself with a bomb proved us that) just imagine, if both Gaon and Yohan died at the end. Elijah will face the same thing that happened to Gaon when he was 16. (Not to mention that Elijah is also 16) if that happened, idk what will happen to Elijah cuz she lost her parents when she was 6 (6 right?) Then, the new found parents (we can't deny the fact that Yohan and Gaon are Elijah's parents)

Also Gaon proved us that he didn't love Soohyun as much as he loves Yohan.

This is crazy girl😭 I mean, Gaon shouldn't have confessed to Soohyun. We could see how awkward that kiss was. He wasn't sure about the confession either. And by confessing to her, I guess Soohyun knew this. She knew that Gaon isn't sure about himself. So, that's not good. Just confessing to the girl who loved him for years. That's was unfair to Soohyun. To himself as well. Cuz he betrayed his own real feelings.

This is something I really don't like about Gaon. He acts without thinking. Overall he's very nice and I really really love him a lot. But, by acting without thinking always disappoint me.

I actually finished The Devil Judge recently and you guys inspired me a lot to watch it. I mean who can ignore this, after getting so much spoilers from here 😭😂 that's why I sent this ask. I don't have anyone to talk about TDJ so....yeah😁

I’m going to go through your ask and comment on different parts just so it doesn’t get all jumbled up!!!! i kind of play devil's advocate with this one so i hope i don't come across as rude. i think you bring up some great points that deserve some more context and analysis!!!!

Thank you for sending this!!! I hope you’re finding the devil judge fandom here on tumblr amazing. <3

this is long so, to get into this:

Tbh, Gaon's parents loved each other more than they loved Gaon.

I think this one is complicated because I know some people have expressed the same thing, but personally, I don’t know that I believe that fully. See, parents are never supposed to outlive their children anyway. That’s a concept we’ve adopted just because that’s the very nature of life: those who grow older will die first and so on and so forth. Of course, that’s not always the case, but most parents will tell you they wish to go before ever seeing their children pass away.

I think when you love people fiercely, it’s a complicated thing. I don’t think I’d be able to point this out if I hadn’t been working on a health care account at work, but it’s most likely that gaon’s mother passed following her husband and gaon’s father because of broken heart syndrome. While typically unlikely that someone can die by the condition, it is possible, and I think a lot of film tropes utilize it more than it actually happens.

Broken heart syndrome is where someone goes through extreme stress that is significantly emotional or traumatic. It generally happens in women more often than men. The heart enlarges and doesn’t pump, which can lead to heart muscle failure. The condition is treatable.

The condition is also different than a heart attack because it’s not caused by blocked arteries and is primary induced by death of a loved one, breakups, betrayals, rejection, separation anxiety or divorce.

I think it’s safe to say that gaon’s mother might have experienced this. Some people feel their emotions much more than others, which is why this is a known condition.

As for gaon’s father, I don’t think s*icide is a selfish act, per se. One of the things I’ve noticed in every kdrama I’ve seen so far (and I can count on one hand how many I’ve seen) is that there is always, always mention of a suicide. This makes sense when you look at South Korea’s s*icide rates. They’re one of the highest in the world, and it seems television shows have either taken that into account or it’s so highly prominent in society that it’s used as a plot point because it’s relatable to the situation there. (Similar to the way gun discussions and/or use are depicted or utilized in American films).

And I think as well, when we discuss s*icide, it’s generally a symptom of mental health issues. What kind of duress was gaon’s father under after he found out his money was gone? How much did he think of himself as a failure and as a fool? Whether or not reputation played a part, it’s certainly a contending factor as well as the shame involved of what happened – even if it wasn’t gaon’s father’s fault whatsoever. People make choices, rational or not, and we weren’t given an inside look into what drove him to make that decisions.

However, where I’m going with this is that I’m sure on some level, and one he probably thought of the moment gaon was born, was knowing that gaon would outlive them all. That gaon would be fine to go on without his parents because being human means there is resiliency.

Which is also why, to your next point, I don’t think gaon loved Yohan more than Elijah, necessarily. There is a parallelism used between gaon’s parents and what happened to him and Elijah and her parents, gaon and Yohan, that could’ve happened to her. That’s purposeful to one, show that the kangs + gaon are a family, and two, that both Yohan and gaon have broken a cycle of s*icide before it could really begin again.

But when we think about Yohan and gaon’s choices, when can compare them to gaon's parent’s. Yohan has casted himself as villain for Elijah to hate, to direct her anger towards because she needed an outlet and Yohan was willing to be that for her. So he knew Elijah was capable of continue to live on – after all, Yohan found gaon and realized he made it himself being an orphan at 16. But Yohan also convinced himself so thoroughly that Elijah didn’t need him, probably didn’t love him the same, and justified it as a way to repent and make wrong the rights. Instead, he failed to realize elijah’s love for Yohan despite his flaws, despite the clouded unsureness of whether Yohan killed Isaac. Gaon’s father probably failed to realize that gaon loved him no matter what, too.

For gaon's choice, it’s also an act of repentance for his hasty decisions. We see that when he says sorry by giving Elijah her food and telling her Yohan had nothing to do with the fire. Gaon’s justifications are simply, in the same vein as Yohan, to make things right no matter what. Would he have chosen this method had the government not turned itself into a military state while controlling the press? That’s a good question. Gaon’s decision was rooted out of love and a sense of responsibility. He even tells Elijah in the mansion just after Yohan is taken that he will make things right, and he will bring Yohan back.

The second time gaon makes his declaration (to Yohan) is both held in truth and manipulation to get Yohan to stay. It’s clear gaon knows that Yohan thinks he’s important, and if Elijah isn’t enough to get him to stay (which she is, but again, he’s doing it out of saying sorry to her) then maybe gaon would be the driving force, an apology on some level for not believing in Yohan after all this time. And within that, there’s also the fact that gaon, like Yohan, knows how capable Elijah is. I think underneath it all, Yohan knew that even if he did die at the courthouse, gaon would be there for Elijah.

Also Gaon proved us that he didn't love Soohyun as much as he loves Yohan.

I think yes and no with this one. I think this is true on a romantic level but that gaon’s love for each of them is also inherently different form each other, but gaon had yet to figure that out.

Gaon loved soohyun but in a different way. She was his friend, but she based it on conditional love. Gaon would do anything not to lose her because she’s been his only family for years. Which is why I firmly believe he told her he liked her because it was one of the only ways he knew how to get her not to leave him. gaon couldn’t afford to have someone else leave. But as noted by their awkward as hell kiss, even soohyun realized she built gaon up in her mind and that both of them were clinging onto each other for comfortability.

Between soohyun and Yohan, it was never about which one will gaon choose romantically because they were never on the same playing field to begin with. Gaon just had to figure that out for himself and there was never a love triangle. Gaon made that very clear by rejecting soohyun for over two decades, at that point.

Additionally, I think with this one, it’s not necessarily about ranking someone’s love but realizing how toxic it can be from both sides. Yohan manipulates and lets gaon be as free as he wants, a little too much. Soohyun keeps gaon in check, restrictive. This is why the end of the devil judge is so pivotal because it’s gaon finally coming to a place where he has the freedom to find himself without the influences of everyone else around him. He’s more clear-headed. He can finally exam how he truly feels, dissect it fully, without the influence of soohyun holding their friendship over his head, or Yohan asking him to choose him out of desperation to keep gaon on his side. Gaon finally has his own free will to decide.... and guess who he chooses!!!

As I said, I think it’s always been clear the trajectory of the romance. Gaon just needed to establish what was what: loving soohyun as a friend, and loving yohan as a romantic partner.

Kind of in line to what I mentioned above, the kiss was really awkward, and I think it was both of them realizing this was not what they wanted. Soohyun thought she wanted gaon and when she got him, she wasn’t enthusiastic about it at all. gaon chose soohyun and ‘confessed’ simply because he wanted to keep her by his side. Soohyun’s love was always conditional and the only way to really get her back after all he’d done with Yohan (to which soohyun thought was bad and wrong and morally corrupt without ever understanding fully or letting goan explain himself) was to play her romantic emotions. I don’t think he did it out of maliciousness but knew that was the one button he could push that would actually get her to listen to his apology. In the same vein of it being wrong for gaon to do that, it was so very wrong for soohyun to question gaon’s judgment, dangle their friendship on what she thought was morally right and wrong and then go right back to not believing and/or listening to him the next morning when he asked that they trust Yohan in the face of a fascist government. On top of that, her incessant need to confess to gaon when he told her multiple times no is also really gross.

At this point, I don’t know that gaon fully realized his feelings for Yohan. They were certainly there under the surface but on that superficial level, he hadn’t managed to connect the dots. So while us viewers knew it was gaon betraying his feelings (just as we had to watch gaon question his judgment the entire way bc of the professor and soohyun), he hadn’t quite figured out his deal with Yohan just yet. I think, however, it did go against his base instinct to trust Yohan. And when he tried to bring it up again, as I said above, soohyun still wouldn’t listen.

This is something I really don't like about Gaon. He acts without thinking. Overall he's very nice and I really really love him a lot. But, by acting without thinking always disappoint me.

Gaon’s actions were certainly frustrating on first watch, but they really do serve a purpose in the story!!! Gaon’s impulsiveness comes from years of suppressing his desires and never having a good outlet to healthily talk about his feelings. When gaon wanted to kill the conman as a teen, soohyun told him not to do it, and he suppressed what he felt until he had a second chance to do what he couldn’t the first time. Those things were always there inside him, but they were stilted. So how does that translate? To gaon make brash decisions.

It’s very similar to…. Restrictive dieting, for lack of a better example. Say you cut out all sweets from your diet, and you know you’re a sweet person. Most often then not, the longer you cut out those foods and punish yourself, the more likely you’re going to binge eat sweets, or at least consume a good amount. It’s a very common cycle with people, including myself.

And this is the same predicament gaon finds himself in. He’s had to live by soohyun and the professor’s rules for so long (bc again, their love is conditional), and he can’t make any wrong moves or they’ll punish him in some way for it. Yohan gives gaon an outlet to express his desires and then choose whether he wants to go through with it or not.

A perfect example of this is the conman. When gaon is in conman's house, acting on his desires to kill the man responsible for his parent’s death, he ends up stopping himself of his own free will. Yohan, of course, steps in, but guess what Yohan does? He hands Gaon the knife and lets him decide what he should do. Gaon gets to choose. No one else, and guess what gaon chooses? He throws the knife and realizes that the conman can be useful.

People are not inherently evil for these kinds of thoughts/feelings. It’s what you do with them that matter. Gaon really just needed to have an outlet to express everything he’d pent up for so long because it’s so very clear what happens when he isn’t given the chance. He makes brash and irrational decisions based on emotions, and people get hurt because of it. I think in some ways, Yohan has taught gaon to be more patient.

So it’s okay to feel disappointed in gaon for that. I think there were many instances I felt that frustration, too. but context is always important as well!!

Ahhhh i'm so happy you have it a chance!!!!!!! Im so glad all of us here got you into it. I love finding new people are watching it and enjoy it because it’s so good.

I hope everything I said makes sense and breaks stuff down a little more. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. It really got me thinking about the show again, and I just love having the chance to do that!!! I really enjoyed it, and I hope you find some more fandom friends here should you choose to post!!! We always enjoy new tdj content in the tag. <3

#x #the devil judge #the devil judge meta

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softluci · 3 years

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talking to myself

[to begin, i wanna give a TW for mentions of m/rder, as well as s/icide and s/icidal jokes and thoughts; i know that i personally make a lot of jokes like these and so do a lot of my friends and people in general, but i also know that this can be really triggering for a lot of people, so if you are one of those people, this is not the post for you. take care of yourselves.]

i’m, like, 100% sure that this is something associated with younger people, but in case it isn’t, i’ll just talk about myself. so, i talk to myself a lot. like, a lot. even more than i used to now that i’m alone a lot of the time. and the things that i say (and my friends also say), while they have no basis in reality, they are thoroughly unhinged. and i know that. but! i also find it incredibly funny and i wanted to do a set of headcanons for an mc who talks to themselves like that. some examples of things i say, some of which are things i picked up from my friends, include:

“you’re sick” (/neg) “this is deranged” “the derangement” “i am insane” “i can’t take it anymore” [sobbing] “this is getting annoying, i need a fucking gun.” “i’m gonna kill myself and ruin everyone’s day.” “and it’s like, why, you know?” “i’m gonna start killing people” “oh my god, i’m totally buggin” “get the FUCK—” “every day, i am provoked to rage” [unprovoked, uncontrollable laughter] “this reality...it wants me to be a murderer.” “i will kill.” “i don’t wanna” “it’s an illness that you have” “i would kill myself in front of you and permanently alter the trajectory of your life.” “it is time for the immense power of violence.” “don’t make me get violent~” “okay so just die then.” “i’m gonna rip you apart with my teeth.” “i’ll just die, that’s fine.” and so on, and so forth.

this is kinda long, but whatever, mc is gn, let’s have fun.

lucifer

lucifer liked to think that he’d gotten used to you and your tendency to speak with little to no thought. he didn’t love this about you, but he certainly learned to expect it as the days went by. what he didn’t know, however, was that you talked to yourself. his guess was that you’d been refraining from doing so around him, as there was literally no other explanation for what had just happened to his state of being.

he was on his way to the kitchen, just to get some coffee before heading back to his office, when he heard something hit the floor. it didn’t sound like anything broke, so he wasn’t too concerned, but, nevertheless, he quickened his pace.

he was not prepared for what you said, nor the venom you said it with, as he heard—

“this reality...it wants me to be a murderer, an instrument of evil...fine.”

you definitely weren’t expecting him to approach you as quickly as he did and grab your chin the way he did, but he was making sure you weren’t possessed. upon finding out that, no, you weren’t possessed, you’d just dropped a spoon, he took about seventeen points of psychic damage.

mc, he is old and tired and he’s not used to this new flavor of humans who like to say the most deranged things they can think of whenever they’re slightly inconvenienced. you are shaving decades off of his life. he can’t tell you to refrain from doing that because you have been, so he is going to take it upon himself to try and make your life easier whenever he can. hopefully it’ll work, and you won’t be moved to unhinge yourself from your sanity the next time you make a small mistake.

mammon

mammon is around you often enough to know that you talk to yourself every now and again. nothing too out of the ordinary, maybe some comments about the homework you were working on or whatever you were doing on your d.d.d. he was also around you often enough to know that the things you said weren’t always well thought-out, or thought-out at all. he wasn’t judging, he had no place to, he knew that, but—you know, he can’t say he was prepared for this.

he was on his way to your room, as per usual, when, as he got to your doorway, you were overcome by something vile and you said, “i will kill.”

he has never burst into your room faster. he’s in your face, he’s yelling, his hands are on your shoulders, he’s this close to thrashing you around in hopes that whatever evil crawled inside of you while he wasn’t looking will come flying out—

what...did you say? you made a mistake on your homework? you made a mistake on your homework and your next course of action was to make anyone in a 300 foot radius think you’re possessed? you’re more boneheaded than he thought, and you should feel ashamed at this moment because this is the resident bonehead speaking. moving on, though.

how can he make you into a happier person overall so that this doesn’t happen? if you don’t know, he’ll just attach himself to your hip so he can find out. congratulations, he’s never leaving you alone.

levi

levi is no stranger to saying things he doesn’t mean in moments of stress—this is just what happens when a person spends a lot of time playing games online. he’s said some pretty off-color things during matches, strings of curses, and the like, but he has never said, nor heard anything like what just left your mouth.

“i’m gonna start killing people.”

at first, he didn’t really react, giving you a quick glance and asking, “in the game, right?”

upon being met with silence, he looked to see you gripping your controller too tightly to actually use it, and asked again, “in the game, right?”

you blinked, apparently freed from whatever rage induced trance you slipped into, and turned towards him, “did you say something?”

he blinked at you once, twice, like the gears in his head were turning, and then—hysteria.

he has you pinned to the floor with your wrists above your head, horns protruding from his scalp, and he is screaming—who are you, what have you done with mc, tell him your name before he summons lotan, leave his friend alone, and so on and so forth. he was interrogating you before you could even process the situation enough to feel fear.

once he got over the bulk of his panic, he heard you screaming back at him, telling him it was you, you weren’t possessed, just talking to yourself, and let go of your wrists before he breaks them—he understood, kind of. he has no idea why you’d choose a phrase like that for when you’re annoyed, but at least you weren’t possessed! his henry was safe after all ^_^

he was so relieved that it took him a few seconds to realize he was still…pinning you down…and straddling you…so, naturally, more hysteria.

satan

he’d actually grown fond of you and your tendency to speak with no thought or regard for the consequences of your actions—mainly because it stressed lucifer out, but he was fond of it nonetheless. it made you all the more interesting, more fun to talk to, and it helped him read you better. he liked to pick you apart by way of conversation, and he liked to do it as often as possible.

presently, he was on his way to the library to meet you. the two of you were set to talk about a series you decided to read together. as he approached the doorway, he heard your voice, but no one else’s. he smiled in place of a laugh. were you talking to yourself? how cute—

“every day...i am provoked to rage unimaginable. why?”

before you could even finish exhaling, he was above you, holding your face in his hands. from the glow of his eyes, you could tell he was barely keeping it together, but you had no idea what was wrong. did he hear what you said?

he said your name carefully, swiping his thumbs under your eyes. “have we been spending too much time together?”

he was rubbing off on you, in the worst possible way. how could he have allowed this to happen? what has he done to you? where did this anger of yours come from? it has to be because of him. it would hurt, but he would distance himself from you at once, if that’s what—

“ah, did you hear what i said? i talk to myself like this all the time, satan, i’ve been doing it since before we even met. sorry if i frightened you.”

he blinked, hands dropping to your shoulders. he was relieved, but so, so confused.

“well,” he started, “then let’s talk about that instead.”

asmo

if you’d been refraining from talking to yourself around lucifer, you definitely did it for asmo too. there was no one in this house who wanted to see you angry less than he did. anger was such an ugly emotion, wasn’t it? he much preferred sadness; it was easier to manage, both in himself and others.

of course, he could never think about being angry or sad when he was with you! how could he, when he’s with one of his favorite people? presently, he was on his way to your room to pick you up for one of your weekly outings. oh, you left the door open for him and everything! he was about to call out to you, but then he heard you talking to someone—he had no idea who it possibly could’ve been because he had no idea you could even sound like that when speaking to a sentient being.

“i will rip you apart with my fucking teeth.”

he had his arms around you before you even knew he was in your room. it seemed like a hug, and in a way, it was! the intent was to keep you in place so you couldn’t run away, rather than to comfort you, but it’s not like you could tell; his arms were around you all the time anyway.

“mc, light of my life, apple of my eye, who are you talking to?”

you twisted in his hold to face him, “i talk to myself all the time, asmo, you can ask anyone.”

he hummed, staring at you for a while before changing his hold on you into an actual hug.

“you had me worried for a minute, darling~”

he didn’t really believe you, but he figured he would know if you were lying, and he could definitely handle whatever vile thing wormed its way into you while nobody was looking. best case scenario, he really didn’t have anything to worry about, and worst case scenario, you started speaking in tongues in the middle of majolish. if the latter happened to occur, he was strong enough to purge a lower demon from your body. it might hurt a lot a little , but at least you’d be safe!

beel

for the most part, beel didn’t feel any particular way about your inclination to say words with no thought behind them. it was just something you did, like anything else was; he accepted it the same way he accepted everything else about you because that’s what friends do for each other. however—he would be lying if he said you didn’t upset him at times.

like today—he was set to do his homework with you, on his way to the living room with an armful of snacks, when he heard something like the tip of a pencil breaking. it didn’t bother him, but it seemed to bother you. a lot.

“i—i’ve had it, i’m gonna kill myself and ruin everyone’s goddamn day.”

all of his snacks scattered across the floor when he dropped them to get to you. his hands were on your shoulders, but he wasn’t grabbing you. fortunately (or, unfortunately), belphie did this around him all the time, so he knew what to do, albeit it wasn’t much.

slowly, he pulled you into a hug. not a crushing one, but enough to keep you from going anywhere.

you started to explain yourself, telling him you do this all the time, that you didn’t mean it, that you were fine. it did nothing to reassure him because those were all of belphie’s usual phrases, but he appreciated the sentiment.

“i know,” he started, pulling away from you. “i’m just making sure you don’t go anywhere. i like having you around. that’s all.”

belphie

alright, this house isn’t big enough for the two of you. he is the vocally unwell person around these parts, he is the one who everyone is concerned about at all times, thank you very much. he was the one who made the jokes about death. he was the one with the concerning one-liners. that was all him. he wasn’t proud of it, he didn’t like the fact that things were this way, but it was what it was. he didn’t want you to be like him, and yet, there you were doing exactly that—even if you didn’t know.

he was in your room, in your bed, actually— unbeknownst to you—because he was having trouble sleeping. you were somewhere in the house, on your way there, and once you arrived, it seemed like you were stressed. he didn’t know for sure, but he had a hunch that something was just eating away at you because as soon as you came in the door, you threw your bag on the ground and said—

well, you didn’t say anything, at first. the first thing you did was laugh. it was unrestrained, loud, and completely void of joy. and then, you said, “i can’t—i can’t fucking do this, i’ll just die, that’s fine, that’s okay.”

he sat up faster than he has in the last century, deciding to be merciful and overlook how hard you gasped when you saw he was there.

“belphie? why are you in my room?”

he stood up, approaching you at a snail’s pace, “i couldn’t sleep, i was waiting for you, next question—why did you say what you just said?”

before you could even start your usual explanation—you do this all the time, it’s fine, you’re fine—he was speaking again.

“and don’t—don’t even try that, ‘it’s fine, ask anyone,’ shit with me, that’s my go-to, so you’re gonna have to come up with something new.”

he looked at you expectantly, reaching behind you to close the door, locking it soon after.

“belphie—”

he pulled you to your bed, falling onto it with you and holding you in place.

“i have been doing this for much longer than you, and i will be doing it for a long time after you. i’d like to postpone the latter for as long as possible, so i would appreciate it if you talked to me.”

#i have had this sitting in my head for MONTHS but anyway #yea something is definitely not right with me #but also like... it's ok; u can laugh; it's funny >:]#obey me #obey me scenarios #obey me headcanons #obey me imagines #obey me lucifer #obey me mammon #obey me levi #obey me satan #obey me asmo #obey me beel #obey me belphie

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kaypeace21 · 3 years

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Analyzing the 5 plays in this drama club poster .From the bts pics of stranger things 4.

So... some of ya’ll know I'm going through the st s4 films given to us by the official st twitter + the films reffed in the show itself or mentioned by the Duffers in interviews .

So I decided to look at the plays mentioned here. Because even if we don't see the monologues in the show directly - the Duffers wouldn't name drop anything unless it inspired them in some way. Similar to films name dropped in the show. Tw : for some dark themes .

This is just a quick little analysis I decided to do since we probably won't get any new st content today (3/22). Nothing too deep. Just mentioning things that caught my interest especially cause these plays have a lot of narrative connections to the st s4 movies I've been watching.

Invitation to a march (Authur laurents)

Reminds me of the stancy/jancy love triangle. "A young woman is having second thoughts about doing the right thing and marrying a respectable , rich, kind, young man with good prospects.By way of a prewedding diversion, this woman becomes interested in the passionate but poor and entirely unsuitable son of a local landlord.Basically, the plot concerns the efforts of Norma Brown to choose between a conventional fiance who "puts her to sleep" but is wealthy (like what her own mother did) or go for this new-poor guy. The play is principally interested in how this youthful love triangle affects the three mothers involved (whether the kids like it or not)

12th night (Shakespeare)

- viola (el) wrongly assumes a family member (hopper) is dead. She dresses up as a man named 'cesario'. A girl named Olivia falls for 'cesario' (violet dressed as a man). "Finally, when 'Cesario' and Sebastian (violet's twin brother: assumed to have drowned - Will) appear in the presence of Olivia there is more wonder and confusion at their physical similarity. Taking Sebastian for 'Cesario', Olivia asks him to marry her, and they are secretly married in a church. Cough if Olivia is 'straight' cause she fell for Viola (as a doppleganger dressed like her twin brother).Mike being into el who multiple characters in s1 said looked like a boy and specifically like Will is...suspish and a hint he's not straight lol. just like Olivia they're both into guys . plus, this play just has a butt load of love triangles (ugh i hated that aspect). There was also romantically coded letters (which was in the s4 films) . One character is also thrown into an insane asylum and framed as 'insane'.'Pretending that Malvolio is insane, they lock him up in a dark chamber. Feste visits him to mock his insanity'. We all know the psych hospital will be narratively important- talked about it more here.

The seagull (Anton Chekhov-russian)

similar to how I believed s4 will show m*#even already broken up since the months between s3-4 : act 3 (s3) ends with Nina begging for one last chance to be with Trigorin before he leaves/moves away. They kiss and make plans to meet again in Moscow.And in act 4 there's a timeskip where it shows they've been broken up for a long time between acts- and its established they never actually loved eachother. Do i even have to spell out why this parallels the m*#even ending in s3? There is also a play within the play (this is common in a lot of the st films- they have plays- or a story within a story- which illustrate certain themes or emotions of the characters within said film : blackswan, children of paradise, highschool musical, Rushmore, book of Henry, welcome to marwen, never ending story, romancing the stone, wet hot American summer, etc).The play is Konstantin's latest attempt at creating a dense symbolist work. There is also alot of love triangles in the seagull. TW!: for se#ual ab*se/su*cidal thoughts/ inc*st (here and in other play segments). The seagull motif reminds me a lot of Jonathan's rabbit story.Konstantin romantically into Nina shows up to give her a gull that he has shot. Nina is confused and horrified . Trigorin sees the gull that Konstantin has shot and muses to Nina on how he could use it as a subject for a short story: "The plot for the short story: a young girl lives all her life on the shore of a lake. She loves the lake, like a gull, and she's happy and free, like a gull. But a man arrives by chance, and when he sees her, he destroys her, out of sheer boredom. Like this gull." This immediately reminded me of jon's rabbit story and some of the movies on the s4 list . Like in forrest gump- Jenny (who is poor) was se*ually ab*sed as a very young girl by her father. As a child she runs away into a field-away from her alcoholic father yelling at her -there she prays that she can "be a bird so I can fly far far away" .

Jenny as an adult struggles with this unresolved trauma- being with ab*sive partners, doing dr*gs, and having su*cidal thoughts . She as an adult when contemplating su*icide, jokes 'you think i can fly like a bird ?' while looking down at a bridge.God-i'm worried about jonathan (Jenny was also a musician sort of like jon). In another s4 movie example ' mystic river ' :(in the 80s) a preteen baseball playing boy is r*ped by men in the woods. He later says he wishes he could become an undead monster to not feel the pain of that experience - cause quote " if I'm not human anymore maybe the pain will stop" (Will) . slightly off topic but he also has another personality, imagines a alternate word that dissappears when he turns his head. And as a less direct animal parallel to the play - the boy from the film also imagined his perpetrators as monsters and wolves to cope.In 'getout' the photographer character sees a dead deer in the woods and it represents a parent/his own childhood tra*ma relating to his past. similarly in 'prince of tides' the 2 siblings as kids were ra*ed by men. The older brother remembered it and the younger sibling developed DID (so didn't remember but she would draw wolves- as the perpetrators/villains in her picture stories she created . In the film they also had an ab*sive dad and were very poor. She also tried k*ling herself multiple times-but started to get better after remembering the source of her pain and trauma. There is also the theme of multiple attempted su*cides in the play- and the play ends with yet another attempt- and the audience is left unaware of the artist's fate at the end of the play.

The tempest (Shakespeare)

Prospereo - (the perceived antagonist) is a wizard with monstrous looks, storm powers , and ability to create monster-dogs

He wants revenge on a man who tried ra*ing his family member & revenge on his other family member who wronged him years ago. I mean... pretty much my did theory.But in the end.Prospero decides to show his enemies the mercy that they did not show him twelve years earlier. He tells Ariel to bring the men to him, he will restore their sanity and then renounce magic forever.Prospero breaks the spell that the men are under .

Diary of a scoundrel (Alexander Ostrovsky-Russian)

- I suppose this could loosely relate to Jonathan? Glumov, is a young man from an impoverished family lacking status seeking entrance into society's pampered class. A 19th-century Russian scoundrel must scheme his way out of his meager life in a small apartment -whatever it takes.He has a quick mind and some talent for seeing through the hypocrisies of people around him ( Jonathan does make a lot of social critiques about society). That gives him some advantages. A tale of one man's mission to finagle his way into upper-class society and find a cushy job. Set in 1874, this social comedy follows Glumov, a Russian youth who begins his ambitious ascent to social esteem. He progresses by wit, guile and rhetoric. Pitting one stupid person against another, he soon gains his ends. To reach these goals, Glumov will lie, flatter, and cater to the vanities of the wealthy. Unable to contain his disgust with his victims, Glumov decides to relieve his unvoiced satirical comments by recording his schemes in a diary. But he is tripped up by his uncle's wife, to whom he has made passionate love on his way to success. At the end of the play, his diary is stolen and his duplicity exposed, but he can nevertheless suceeds. The author is much more critical about the high society itself than about the main character, so the play keeps attracting generations of directors by opening possibilities for political criticism while also avoiding naming names of the current rulers.The play's aim was to overthrow bourgeois tradition and establish a class-conscious art called eccentricism giving a deliberately comic portrayal of reality.

I suppose I notice some possible commonalities- besides s3 critiquing the wealthy/capitalism in comedic ways . jonathan since s1 has worried about his family's finances / had some resentment toward the rich . In some of the s4 movies ‘orphan’ & ‘ girl interrupted’ someone reads their diary out loud to get at them (in girl interrupted the winona character’s diary even had critiques of her new friends). Alot of movies also have someone (usually a teen/young adult) making a documentary about their life -which could narratively replace said diary? A few movies have a poor guy adjusting to snobby rich social circles (or being poor and then getting money)- titanic, kingsmen, karate kid, the craft , godfather, wardogs,into the spiderverse,flashdance, and many others . And movies like wardogs has a poor-young-character do shady things to finacially support his family . There’s also that whole uncle’s wife thing- which makes me uncomfortable for obvious reasons (but I’m just thinking of Lonnie’s creepy gf who was into him). A few movies had the guy’s step mom innappropriately hit on him- orange county & you got mail. And him trying to avoid her advances. Or...not to mention ... it may be a problematic coincidence /trope. But in enter the void -the guy who needs to finacially support his sibling/ does dr*gs -hooks up with his dr*g dealing friend’s married mom (who would give him money). Or in gilbert grape- the poor teen-who has to finacially support his siblings/single mom-has his endgame relationship be a girl his own age. But before that he h*oked up with a married woman -who would give him money. Don’s plum -young film guy-propositioned by older female film director (for dream job). Not even mentioning the other films that have the guy hooking up with toxic older women (like ‘the graduate’). Or analyze this-where the therapist accuses him of having an Oedipus complex (not touching that one... but the guy in ‘enter the void’ a 100% had one). It’s possible those movies were just- inspo for s3? A coincidence? Or s3 was foreshadowing for this in s4- but unlike s3 it will accurately be played as wrong and a sign of Jonathan recreating past tra*ma caused by Lonnie (cough like the photos) /being desperate for money. And not played ‘comedically’ like how it mostly was in s3. But shown as self destructive (for Jon) and immoral on the Woman’s end. Like... Billy and Jon are character foils. Both are older siblings into rock music, with ab*sive dads who shoved them into walls. Both lose it (and beat steve to a pulp when Steve accidentally triggers their daddy issues). In s3 it’s established womanizer Billy has mommy issues, than he tries ho*king up with someone his mom’s age, and the characters ref ‘back to the future ‘ and Steve incorrectly says it’s about “alex p keaton trying to bang his mom.” This could illustrate his subconscious issues with parental figures/adults cause of Lonnie’s possible past se*ual ab*se . One film the friend even says to the guy “you don’t have friends!” guy b: i have friends! him: no you have acquaintances! ADMIT IT! YOU’RE AFRAID OF MEN!I mean-Jonathan liked Nancy- but he initially hooked up with her cause he wanted to prove he didn’t have ‘trust issues’ from his dad. Also it’s prob a bit of a reach (and maybe a coincidence)- but the fact Murray in the same breath compares Steve (Nancy’s then bf) and Lonnie ... uh... if you think too long about it ... it’s very sinister . Especially because in s3: muray tells Joyce that despite her wanting to be with a nice guy, she’s curious about “the brute” Hopper despite him reminding her of a past “bad relationship”(aka Lonnie). Like- yeah connect some dots. Quite a few films (other than forrest gump) also have the character who (as a kid) was r*ped by their dad/parent- begin to do dr*gs/be pr*miscuous as adults since they never learned to properly cope with their trauma (’girl with the dragon tattoo’, ‘black swan’, and ‘magnolia’). Unfortunately the whole relative doing such things to kid-relatives is in at least 30+ movies.

Personally, i would be MUCH happier if Jon had a age appropriate romance- and had not a single creepy adult near him. A few movies actually imply Lonnie gets yet another ‘new model’ replacing his gf in her 20s with a new gf- who is ‘barely l*gal” and just turned 18. so there’s that possibility as well- that she’s jonathan’s age.I just want Jonathan-happy &safe. GOD. IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?

#byler #byeler #will byers #mike wheeler #Jonathan byers #nancy wheeler #joyce byers #jim hopper #murray bauman #stranger things #el hopper #s4 theory #stranger things theory

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