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twirlingsmilingwriting · 4 months

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Tolerate It pt. 3 || Young! Coriolanus Snow X reader

"Took this dagger in me and removed it, gained the weight of you then lose it... If its all in my head tell me now. Tell me I've got it wrong somehow, I know my love should be celebrated but you tolerate it"

You don't need to read pt 1 to understand what is happening but if you want to ITS HERE

Part two is a little necessary but you'll prob catch on. Part two HERE

TLDR: Truly feeling like the luckiest person alive when your former classmate and short-term boyfriend asked you to marry him. Not even a year into the marriage and also a year into his presidency does the original love and admiration you felt for him start to dissipate. You can't help but feel trapped and tricked into a marriage in which he may have never loved you to begin with.

Warnings: Angst, Love-Bombing, marriage, gender ambiguous reader, typical snow tags (manipulation), alcohol, alluding to sexual acts but not described, kissing, unclear motives, crying, death, the reader being so delulu and manipulated omg, slight classism, self unaliving, blood

WORD COUNT: 7k

A/N: This is a dialogue-heavy one. Lots of yappin today y'all. Also a LOT and I mean a LOT darker than the others. I POSTED THIS LAST NIGHT BUT FORGOT TO PUT ANY TAGS SO I GOTTA REPOST IT

The morning light peered through the curtains of our bedroom ever so slightly, just enough that I could feel the warmth on my nose. I scrunched my face and squirmed under the covers. It wasn't until I felt the weight of his body move from beside me and get out of bed, that I reached my arm out for Coriolanus just to be greeted with nothing. I fluttered my eyes open and looked over. I watched intently while he threw on some clothes. God, he was gorgeous. Strikingly blond curls bouncing while he moved, his toned body with broad shoulders, a thin waist, those blue eyes and sharp jaw, he was so stunning. I love my husband so much. I whispered a quick 'good morning' to him and all he could do was hum in response. I sat up in the bed and used the sheet to cover myself up.

"Where are you going, Darling?"

"I have some business to attend to. You wouldn't understand, my beautiful empty head."

Aww. He called me beautiful. He gave me a quick glance before heading out and slamming the door behind him. I got out of bed and scoured the room for something decent to put on. Clothes from the night before had been scattered and I knew I'd have to add laundry to today's agenda. I picked up a white silk shirt from atop the dress and I threw the shirt over my head, I let out a soft sigh, looking over at myself in the tall gold mirror taking note of the smudged makeup and eyeliner that had dried in blackened streaks down my face from last night's tears. Tiny hickies decorated my neck and collarbones and I couldn't stop the smile that spread on my face from the joy I felt from Coriolanus claiming me as his. Gratitude is the best way I can describe the feeling. I am married to the most powerful man in Panem. What could I have done to deserve this?

Our relationship got rocky sometimes, yes, but he was just busy. I can't help but blame myself for how he was treating me after we got married. To be fair, he did just become president. I can't even imagine how stressful that must've been for him. It made sense why it felt like he had no time for me. Last night he admitted he never even knew I felt so neglected, it must've been my fault. Clearly, he loves me right?

Last night, I felt so loved, the way he kissed me and wrapped his arms around me, his aroma filled my senses. He loves me so much, if he didn't he wouldn't be showing me off to a whole nation of people right?

I kept asking myself for reassurance, but I had my answer, no one just marries someone they don't love.

Right?

Of course, he does. I remember when it started, it was real, so real. He's just been so tired these past few months. He has his reasons and I should understand that I can't be so selfish to be in his life taking up too much space and time. I am lucky for the sentences I will get in the story of a monumental man. Looking in the mirror of the vanity, I took a deep breath and smiled in contentment. My eyes continued to scan the display. The vanity was a white desk and drawer set with a large and extravagant mirror outlined with gold. I had hand-painted vines of ivy on the wood. The desk had makeup and my rose-scented perfume. Honestly, I always preferred fruity and sweet scents but Coryo loves it more when I smell like roses. My fingers tapped the delicate glass bottle before I placed it back down and walked to the window to look over the garden where we had the party last night.

Tables were still set up and cups littered the lawn. I giggled a little bit, remembering the fun people were having dancing around the area without a care in the world. There was always a certain type of peace that came after parties when everyone left. Similar to nostalgia where it's that strong sense of bliss but also a certain emptiness that comes from the drop from high emotions and energy to nothingness. Still, the memories of the fun of last night came back to me. A few men dressed in white peacekeeper uniforms started to file into the area and I cocked an eyebrow up in confusion. They must be coming to clean up the trash. My eyes followed them.

That's when I saw it.

The body of a tall man with ginger hair lay lifeless on his back on the stone pathway of the garden. It was the same man that I had talked with last night, Curtis. His eyes were rolled back into his head and speckles of blood could be seen on the corners of his mouth. A cup was held loosely in his hand. I gasped and my jaw hung low in shock. How could this have happened? Did he choke on something? Got into a fight? The peacekeepers started to harshly pick up his body and filed him out. Did Coryo know about this? The blood quickly left my face and I felt a sinking sense of doom in my stomach.

I had only known the man for a moment, but I felt like he was a good man. He didn't deserve whatever happened to him. The peacekeepers left the area and then moments later the maids came in to clean. Tears started to prick the corner of my eyes before I gulped heavily. Maybe he just drank too much last night. The red was just dried wine...

Yes

That made sense right...?

I had to think of something to ease my mind. Maybe I could ask Coryo about it later. More and more maids filed into the area, their black uniforms making the whole scene previously seem more grim. Red started appearing in my teary-eyed peripheral vision and I quickly shut the curtains. My chest heaved up and down as I struggled to catch my breath. I had to collect myself. I probably didn't understand the situation fully, Coriolanus knows what's going on, he always does. I won't worry about it until he comes home. I walked over the desk and wrote little notes for him on a few pieces of paper, scattering them around the bedroom. Then, I went to take a shower. I was going to have lunch with my mother today, I had to get ready.

The doorbell rang and I walked over to answer it. Instantly, my mother had wrapped her arms around me bringing me into a warm hug.

"Y/N! Sweetheart I missed you so much it's been so long," she spoke softly and I couldn't help the childish smile that dragged across my face.

"I haven't seen you since the wedding mom I missed you too," she loosened her grip on me and walked into the house.

"Wow... you truly are living in a life of luxury now sweetie look at this place... I see you put your little artistic flair on things haha," she joked and awed at the size of the house.

"Oh, the little paintings? I didn't think other people would notice them haha, after I dust I like to add the little things and details around. I've been hoping Coryo would notice but he's just a man, and he's so busy and tired all the time I can't blame him for not noticing. You should look at the plates when we eat today! I've been trying to add things to the table wear, which makes eating a lot more fun."

She continued to look around and I watched intently while her eyes followed the small roses, vines, clouds, and butterflies I had painted on the pillars and edges of the house. She then brought her attention back to me and pressed her lips into a thin smile, a glint of sadness was painted into her stormy eyes.

"Sweetheart, you look so thin, are you eating well? He doesn't have you on some crazy diet does he? With the amount of money you guys have I feel like you should be eating three-course meals for every meal..."

"Mom please~ I'm an adult, don't worry about me so much."

"That doesn't answer my question."

"Come on let's go sit down at the table, foods' almost ready." I interlocked my arm with hers and started to guide her to the dining room. We sat facing each other. The chefs cooking could be heard faintly.

"How is the married life treating you?"

"Um... Well honestly mom, it's been rough. I felt like the original spark of our relationship had been extinguished the moment he put this ring on my finger, he had grown very cold and I swear there were days that went by where he didn't even look at me but last night we talked it out. He didn't even know I felt like that so I can't be mad at him"

"Sweetheart, I've been here for about 10 minutes and I can't help but continue to pick up these little details that are showing he isn't treating you the way you deserve. You are smarter than this Y/N I raised a strong fighting spirit, you survived a war with us and never let that darkness cloud the brightness that is your light but right now honey, you seem sad. I don't think your romantic spark is the only thing he's diminishing sweetheart, he's burning you out." Her hand reached out for mine and we interlocked fingers. She looked deeply into my eyes and I watched as the concern grew in hers.

"No mom it's not like that. He's just busy, you should know how hard he's working. I know my place is to sit and listen to him, he's so much wiser than I am. He's a great man and he loves me," I started to get a little defensive but tried to hold my temper. Her lips pursed and she gave my hand another squeeze. It was then the chefs came out and placed our plates in front of us. We sat in silence for a moment while we started to eat.

"You're stubborn I know. The more we tell you to run from him the further it pushes you away from us and closer to him. You should be celebrated, you do so much for this man and he gives you nothing. This... this just doesn't seem healthy."

"Mom. I'm fine. I'm breathing. My health is fine"

"But your soul isn't."

Her words spit venom into me and I froze in place and listened. "Truly, what kind of man doesn't let his spouse see their family more than once every few months. I had to beg him to be able to see you today. We all miss you at home. Hell, I miss you."

Shock ran through my body while I spoke. "He told me you never reached out for these past few months." A chuckle left her lips. "Does that man do anything but lie? I shouldn't be surprised... politicians will always say what you want to hear and what benefits them."

"Mom I- can we please talk about something else? I don't appreciate you disrespecting my husband. I shouldn't have ever said anything. This is why he doesn't want you around is you keep disrespecting him. I promise mom everything is okay. Just rocky sometimes and that's mostly my fault."

Her face scrunched up and she looked away to avoid eye contact. She frowned before taking another bite of the food.

"It just hurts to see you like this... I almost feel like I should've stopped it sooner-"

"Mom," I cut her off and slammed my fist on the table slightly. She quickly shut up again before her lips parted.

"How was the party last night?"

"Lovely, the capital parties are always a joy. Coryo even made a toast to me at the end of the night it was so heartwarming." I smiled, happy she changed the subject. I started to gush about how sweet Coryo was last night to try and defend himself from my mother. I don't understand why all of my loved ones just couldn't seem to like him.

"Did he talk to you?" She asked tilting her head up.

"Who?"

"Curtis."

My face went pale and my jaw dropped. Flashbacks to what I had seen that morning rushed into my mind and I sat there horrified. First was the shock then the confusion.

"He's a friend of your older brother. He's been living with us for awhile while his new house gets built. Your brother asked him personally to come to the party last night to try and talk to you. We weren't sure if we were going to be able to see you today so we were trying to find any way to talk to you and make sure you were okay."

"He um... yes I do believe I talked to him. He was very charming, sweet. He reminded me of someone I used to know but we only talked for a little last night..." I was in a daze while I spoke. I didn't want to talk about Coryo's jealous outburst or what I saw that morning.

"That's good to hear. Y/N how was he last night? He didn't come home last night though. Was he drunk when you left? We've been worried sick."

"He... no he seemed very sober though he did have the confidence of a drunk man." I tried to joke to distract from the adrenaline and fear that was pumping through my veins.

"Sweetheart I can tell when you're keeping things from me. Please, darling you can tell me anything, I'm your mother"

I avoid her eye contact like the plague and continued to eat my food, struggling to swallow.

"It's nothing really, I'm just a little tired today that's all. Mom, eat your food please, it's delicious. How's dad?"

Her suspicious mind was reflected in her suspicious eyes. She was not going to let this go so easily. I could see the same grim expression I had on my face from earlier start to spread on hers.

"The first thing I ever heard about your husband was that any person who got too close to him ended up dead, missing or disgraced. I truly hope you don't follow in those same steps."

"Mom, you guys told me that same line over and over again before we got married and it's not even true. Name one person who he's done that to"

She scoffed and spoke quietly.

"Lucy Gray."

I raised an eyebrow at her in confusion.

"Who?"

"I don't believe you watched The Hunger Games this year, you never liked the blood. There truly isn't any way to confirm this now but Coriolanus was in charge of mentoring a girl from District 12 named Lucy Gray. She was a songbird and I remember the first time I watched her sing on television, it was breathtaking. Rumors spread that your husband fell in love with her and planned to run off with her and then one day, she disappears. Not a single trace left but he returned. He returned to the capital and mysteriously got gifted a scholarship and an internship. That is a shady man."

"Respectfully mom I think you're telling folk tales right now. He told me I was his first love, the first one to make him feel so alive so that can't be true. I've never even heard of this girl. Wouldn't my classmates have said something?"

She shrugged. "I wouldn't say anything to upset the man suspected of such crimes." Suddenly, a peacekeeper walked into the dining room and another followed in. Doors slammed around us and one spoke in a booming voice. "By orders of President Snow, we have been assigned to escort you out of here ma'am" They got on either side of my mom and grabbed her arms.

"There must be some sort of mistake here, it's barely 2, he said I could be here till 3! Let me down!"

I stood there frozen and helpless, I had no clue what to do. I yelled at them to wait but they pulled her out of her seat then started to head out. She started kicking and tried to fight back. "Let me say goodbye! I need a hug! I am the mother here, it's my right to see my child! He sent you guys here huh? Can't stand my kid hearing the truth? All this that's happening to me is his fault!"

"Mama! Goodbye! I love you!"

"He did it Y/N! You know he did it! Don't let it happen to you my love! Fight, there must be a way out! You're better than this. I love you!"

She shouted while they escorted her out. Her voice echoed around the room whispering the words 'He did it'. As much as I shook my head I couldn't stop thinking about it. Sickening silence bounced against the walls while my head ran back everything that had just happened. I couldn't help but let warm tears fall from my eyes while I sat back down in my chair. I'm so confused. I just needed my husband right now. A maid walked in and cleaned up the table and I sat in the chair and cried.

I laid down in bed, sitting up staring at the ceiling. The bed was as comfortable as sleeping on a cloud but I couldn't sleep, nothing could calm the storm in my head. The door handle turned and I saw Coryo glace into the room. His blue eyes made eye contact with mine as he stepped into the room slowly. He shut the door behind him and started to loosen his tie.

"Darling, you're still up?"

"I can't sleep..." I admitted and watched as his plump lips parted to expel a sigh. He started to change into his pajamas.

"Why dear?" He started to crawl into bed and pulled me into him with his strong arms.

"Can I ask you a question?" I felt his grip on me tighten before he nodded and hummed a soft 'yes' into the air. A sigh left my lungs and I pressed my hand against my temples. Where do I even start?

"Coryo... have you ever killed anyone before?"

"W- what?"

I tipped my head up and looked deep into his blue eyes to search for any form of sincerity. "Please be honest with me... please..."

"Darling what could have ever put these sorts of ideas in your pretty little head?"

"Coryo that's not important now please answer me. I just want your honesty here, if you're honest I will not judge you, I- I'll still love you."

The only emotion I could see on his face was panic. He removed his arm from my body and I started to panic in response. He had just started being nice to me again and I was worried I pushed him away. My big mouth just couldn't stay shut.

"Y/N, of course I haven't. Who do you perceive me as? Some kind of monster? The only person I have ever killed is my past self and he had to die so I could be the man I am today, a man ready to love you the way you deserve."

He was rambling and his lack of eye contact made me feel uneasy. I wanted to believe him, I truly did but with the way he was acting, I couldn't wholeheartedly believe him and that made me feel sick. I should not be this distrustful of my husband. I started to zone off, lost in deep thought when his hand met my jaw and he positioned my head up to look at him. "Y/N you trust me don't you? I've done everything for you, you should trust me darling." He planted a quick kiss on my forehead. "I- I believe you Coryo." He smiled down and then pressed a kiss to my lips. I melted against his touch and placed my hands to cup his face. When we pulled away I still couldn't shake the questions that flooded my head. Remembering what my mother said, I couldn't help myself from the words spilling out of my mouth.

"Coryo... one last question, Who is Lucy Gray?"

His lips parted and his eyes frantically started to search my face. "How did you hear about her?"

"Coryo?"

Anger started to flood his eyes and his jaw clenched. Regret filled every part of my body and I sat up on the bed, keeping my hands on his face. "I'm sorry Coryo, is that a touchy subject I-" He was quiet for a moment as if planning what he was going to say.

"She... she was a nobody girl from District 12. I had to mentor her for The Hunger Games that year for my school project. I came out on top, Snow always lands on top."

He spoke through gritted teeth while he looked into my eyes, scanning my face for a reaction. What he told me so far aligned exactly with what my mom told me. This was even more worrying. There had to be more. He was keeping something from me. He could sense my distrust and started to speak again, more carefully.

"Darling, do you want the full truth?"

"Yes Coryo..."

He let out a heavy sigh. "She was my first girlfriend. We had a short fling and then she cheated on me." My jaw dropped. "Oh Coryo I'm so sorry..." I reached out and pulled him into a tight hug, tangling my fingers in his blond locks of hair. "It's okay darling, you didn't know. You don't know a lot of things." His hands started to rub my back up and down while I held him close.

"I never loved her anyways, I could never love someone so low class and trashy."

In an odd way I felt almost comforted by that statement. It meant he wasn't lying to me, I was his first love, right? He placed his hands on my stomach and pushed me away from the hug. My arms fell back down to my sides and I stared at him with deep remorse in my eyes. He smiled again, "It's okay Darling, is there anything else I can answer for you to put your troubled mind at ease?" Truthfully, I had a lot more questions but I felt bad and I didn't want to push him away more, not when our relationship was so delicate. I shook my head 'no' and he hummed before laying down on the bed. I followed suit and he turned his back to me.

"Goodnight"

"Goodnight..."

"I love you"

And then I was met with silence.

The next day passed and it was business as usual but I still couldn't get my mother's voice out of my head. My ears rang with every corner I turned. I saw Coryo's panicked face every time I closed my eyes after I asked him if he had killed anyone. It made me sick to my stomach but I didn't believe him. I do believe my mom was wrong about Lucy Gray though, he was genuinely hurt when I asked about her. I couldn't even imagine anyone wanting to cheat on him. Especially a girl from District 12, the opportunity to be with a capital man, especially one as charming, smart, and talented as Coryo should be a blessing. My poor husband probably had to deal with so much then.

When he came home he didn't talk to me that day. He couldn't even look me in the eye really. I felt wildly embarrassed and guilty. Of course, he was pulling away again, I pushed him. I should've just kept my pretty mouth shut like he had asked. My mom must have been mistaken. They don't know him like I do. It was nice to know how much they cared about me though.

Coriolanus slept in his office that night. I assume he had business to attend to so I just sat and tried to sleep alone in bed.

The next morning I woke up late and decided to try and make it up to Coryo by trying to leave more "I love you" notes around the house. I painted a portrait of a lake on one of his mugs, adding rose and ivy details to the handle. Stumbling down the hallway in the afternoon I walked by Coryo's office. I knew I wasn't allowed in there but damn it I was so curious. There were two maids in there talking and I silently eavesdropped.

"Careful when dusting that... This man has a lot of secrets and what's in those vials one I do not want to know about."

The other laughed and they continued to clean up.

"Isn't it odd we decided to have such a liar for a president?"

'Liar?' I thought. Why does everyone seem to think he's a liar?

"Yeah but he's great for the economy and the future of Panem."

Silence filled the room and then they both started laughing again.

"That doesn't seem to make it any better, then again, let's not bite the hand that feeds us."

They started to finish cleaning his office and once they left I snuck in. My hands traced around the walls of his office, it was small and packed with things. On his desk lay a little book filled with names and numbers, a pack of matches, a single white rose, and the vials the maids were talking about. Curiously, I reached for it. It was probably liquor or something. I picked it up carefully and examined it. It was clear and sealed shut. Cautiously, I started to unscrew the top and placed a drop of it on my finger. The liquid burned through my skin and I yelped loudly in pain. I grabbed a napkin and wiped it off my hand. I screamed in pain and the smell of burning flesh filled the room. Hot tears ran down my face as I removed the napkin and saw the damage that it left. My finger was red, hot, and my flesh was melted in the shape of a circle where the drop had been placed. Gasping desperately for breath, I tightly closed the lid of the vile and put it right back where I found it. I continued to cry from the searing pain, my finger throbbed and I whimpered desperately trying to keep quiet. I picked up my trash and made sure I left no trace of myself in there while I rushed to the kitchen, rinsing my finger under the water. Once the burning had gone away I slid down and laid my back against the kitchen cabinet.

"F- fuck fuck fuck- fucking poison. WHY THE FUCK WOULD HE HAVE POISON?"

I started to rock back and forth while I watched the skin around the burn turn purple. This must've been some sort of divine punishment to me for going into his office knowing I wasn't supposed to. One maid heard my wailing and hurried over to help me. She put an ointment on my finger before wrapping it up in a band-aid and above all, she didn't ask a question. I couldn't tell if that meant she was used to this kind of thing or if she was trained not to. I picked myself up off the floor and continued to go about my day and pretend that nothing happened.

Coryo didn't come to bed that night, I wasn't too sure if he had even come home honestly. I fell asleep alone again with nothing but my thoughts.

The next morning I was awakened by a rough hand shaking my shoulder. I yawned and opened my eyes to be met with Coryo's blue ones. They were deep and full of concern. He was sitting next to me on the bed still in his work clothes. I felt that pit of grief deep in my stomach again. Something was wrong, greatly wrong. "Coryo?" I asked, trying to remain calm.

"Y/N..."

"Coryo what's the matter?"

He sighed with deep remorse and said the worst news I had ever heard in my life. "Your parents... Y/N... your whole family they... um... their house burned down last night and the firefighters couldn't make it in time. When they arrived there, they searched the house but not a single survivor was found. They did find this though in your mothers room," He handed me a single stuffed doll. The doll was mine from when I was a child, it didn't have a single burn on it. I held it in my hands and sat staring at it in silence. They were gone. My whole family was gone. The tears threatened to spill but I felt so sick of crying lately. Why did my life feel like it was falling apart so fast? I just wanted a happy life as a newly wed and I have gotten nothing remotely close to that.

"Coryo... What's wrong with me? I'm like a bomb, anyone who cares about me either leaves me or dies... Am I cursed? I didn't even get to say goodbye. I didn't even get to hug them or- or- or see how big my little brother got or how smart my older brother is. I- I- I should've seen them more," I started weep, my tears starting to fall onto the doll below me, as if my tear were staining the innocence of the girl I used to be. Coriolanus grabbed me and held me close as I started to cry furiously into his chest. He planted a soft kiss on the top of my head and tried to whisper things to calm me down. His hands rubbed up and down my back.

"Darling, it's okay. You're going to be okay. You have me. I'll be here for you always. I make you happy, right? Your parents were always trying to keep you away from me... they didn't know you like I do. They don't know what you need darling but I do. We are going to get through this together, okay?'

I could barely process what he was saying through my tears. I just nodded into his chest and he continued to let me cry. I felt so safe in his arms in this moment. He was right, I do need him.

I couldn't get out of bed for days. The grief struck me overwhelmingly. I couldn't think straight. I just lay in bed and stared at the ceiling for hours at a time. When the foggy mist of the shock that had clouded my rationale finally faded I was left with the remaining thoughts. What was even real in this life anymore? I remember feeling so sad when almost none of my friends showed up to my wedding. I felt so alone and isolated but at least I knew I still had my family and my husband to be there for me and now, all I had was Coriolanus. I love him, I need him, but he's the type that gives love and then takes it away.

Maybe my mom was right... Maybe I do deserve better. This relationship isn't healthy. Has it ever been? Even when I was first falling for him, I always viewed him as better than me, which he is but shouldn't we be equal? Maybe... I'm too reliant on the love he gives me. I hate that. I hate how big of a hold he has on me. The way my happiness is always at the tip of his fingers, it makes me feel so weak. His hold on me is degrading. The worst part is, he knows how strong his power over me is. He knows me. He's learned me inside and out and he knows how to keep me under his palm.

My mom was right. The night of the party, he started yelling at me then when I threatened to leave him he switched. How could- how could I be so stupid? He switched because he didn't want me to leave him. He needed me to be there for him, to be his shining sparkling eye candy, to complete his perfect picture of domestic living, to be his waiting servant. And then when we made love that night, it must've not meant anything to him. He knows I believe everything people do has a purpose, he knows I don't ever want to exchange sex like a handshake. He slept with me to prove to me that he 'loves me' but that can't be true. I love him, his heart will never have space for me in it. No man treats someone he loves the way he treats me. I've been aware of this but every time I've gotten the courage to leave him he pulled me back in.

He's smart, he's manipulative. He's been doing it to me for months now. How could I be so stupid? Love is the most embarrassing thing to ever happen to me. He found his wide-eyed dreamer and just needed to ruin me. Even recently, he used my parent's death to try and make me even more dependent on him and it worked. I can't live without him.

"He did it"

His desk, the poison, no sane and normal man keeps poison in his office. It's making me think. The boy... the one my parents sent. Did Coryo know he was going to be there? He must've, the party was invite-only, you don't just sneak into the capital parties. The last thing Curtis did before he left was pour himself another cup of the juice. When Coryo ushered me into the house, I heard a man coughing from the garden but I didn't look, I couldn't, I was pushed away. His body the next morning... He had blood on his mouth. I remember learning from the academy that some poisons often makes you cough up blood before you die. Coryo had the poison. Could it be... did Coryo murder him?

"He did it"

Before I looked away when I saw his body in the garden, a glint of red could be seen in my vision. Was that his red coat?

"He did it"

Oh my god, the matches. He told me my parents house burned down.

"He did it"

The book with the names and numbers... who's names were in that book? What were the numbers?

"He did it"

I got out of bed for the first time in ages and rushed down to his office. My bones ached from the lack of mobility. I reached his office and rushed in. His notebook was gone. I started opening his drawers frantically. Finally, I found it. I opened up the pages and that was the last bit of proof I needed. His journal had the names and addresses of the different capital citizens, one page dedicated to every member of my family.

"He did it"

The matches were missing fully. Not anywhere to be found.

"He did it"

The doll. My doll. The doll probably reminded him of me, just a pretty object he can play with whenever he wants something to hold. It didn't have a single burn mark on it at all, he must've gotten it before the fire. Either that means my family let him into the house before he burned it down or he's been keeping it for a while.

"He did it"

My mom did say she had been trying to reach out to me for ages but couldn't. He was stopping them. He wanted to keep me isolated. I really didn't know who I was marrying. I married a murderer.

"He did it"

I couldn't continue to live with him but I can't live without him. It made me feel sick how much love I still felt for him even knowing he had been trying to destroy me from the inside out. I can't let him take my light. My mom really was right. Everyone who gets close to him ends up dead, missing, or disgraced. It's my turn to pick which path I was going to be.

My heart raced as I ripped a page out of his notebook and wrote a note for him, leaving it on the desk. I reached over and grabbed that familiar vile of poison and unscrewed the top. The cold glass hit my lips and I drank the contents like a shot. My heart raced and I started coughing profusely, everything burned from the inside out. Blood started to flow out the corners of my mouth but for once, I wasn't crying. Mama, I'm coming.

"He did it"

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Coriolanus Snows POV

I'd be lying if I said I didn't cry when I found Y/N dead on the floor of my office. Blood trickled down the side of their mouth and they were holding the tiny vial I had on my desk. Y/N knew not to go into my office and frankly, I was shocked to see that it happened in there. On my desk was a note that said: "Till death do us part". I screamed loudly and felt like my body wasn't my own as I feverishly picked up the body and walked to the nearest in-house medic. Tears poured down my face. How dare Y/N just decide to selfishly leave me like this? After everything I had done? All the trouble I went through? It was ridiculous. I remember thinking, "I had you."

When I first met Y/N I remember believing that they were the embodiment of everything good in the world and the embodiment of what I needed in a partner. Loyal, innocent, trusting, naive, controllable. Truly, there isn't any room in this world for such goodness. My darling needed to be tougher or the cold world would do nothing but ruin them. I tried to make them tougher but their unconditional love was annoying at times but I tolerated it. No matter what I did to push Y/N away, they insisted on loving me till the end, but why? And if they did love me so much why would they leave me like this?

The medic couldn't do anything. Y/N was long gone by the time I got there. So much wasted time and potential. I don't think I will marry again. Not for many years at least. Just when it is time for me to have heirs I will marry. Gives my future wife less time to escape. I have to marry someone cruel, someone whom I can never seem to care about, especially not love. Y/N's crippling kindness almost had me falling at the end and that was dangerous.

The funeral was lavish. My darling was beloved by the public. Many mourned for weeks. It was shocking. As much as I tried to not care, the energy of the house felt so different now. It was a wasteland of what once was. Dust collected in every nook and cranny. I stumbled into the house and stood still, letting the world spin around me for a moment when I tilted my head up and noticed something I hadn't seen before, paintings, hundreds of them. Y/N painted tons of things around the pillars and walls. They were beautiful. Ivy and roses, clouds and sunshine. I forgot how truly artistically talented Y/N was. My eyes followed how the ivy traveled around the pillars. Ivy was a great metaphor for Y/N, beautiful, and simple, but still a pest that will grow all over you if you aren't too careful.

"Sir, Welcome home. We have prepared dinner for you." the butler said, pulling me out of my trance.

"Thank you and can we get someone to repaint this room ASAP, I need some things removed.

The whole house ended up being repainted. I never noticed how many of those paintings were left. Even on the furniture, I couldn't escape any of my memories of Y/N anywhere. The notes were the absolute worst. Small pieces of paper everywhere with sweet nothings written on them. "Have a good day", "I love you", "Good morning to Panem's greatest leader" Nowhere was safe. Memories and images circled my brain constantly.

I sat at the table we used to eat at alone, drinking coffee from my mug while reading the newspaper. They still were on the front page. It's been a month since the incident. I sighed and folded the paper, placing it face down on the table. I reached for the mug when I saw it again. A painting of a lake with roses and ivy painted on the handle. The lake... the lake. The lake of District 12,

Lucy Gray

The roses,

My Mother

The Ivy...,

y/n

I shouted at the top of my lungs and threw the mug at the wall. When will I finally be free of the past pests that continue to haunt my life?

A/N: WHAT DID YOU GUYS THINK??? It is almost 5 AM and I stayed up all night writing this, I hope you guys liked it. let me know plz. Now accepting requests for new stories, perhaps with new characters :)))

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maopll · 1 year

Note

Hello I'm not sure if my request is allowed since i did not see it on the rules so pls ignore it it is not allowed.

May I request Leona, Jamil, Rook and Malleus with a S/O who is suffering from depression? Another thing is they have caught the reader trying to unalive themselves, and harming themselves, their mental health is also getting worse. I'd like to see the boy's reaction and how they'd comfort their S/O(since it it similar to my current situation).

I understand if you're not comfortable with this request or do not want to do it. I also apologize of it is against the rules. I'd also like to say that I enjoy reading your works a lot. Please take care of yourself. Thank you and enjoy your day!<3

Let me heal your scars

| twisted wonderland !

⌗:, scars on the outside heal after a time. but...are there any methods or medications that can heal the scars inflicted on the inside?....

⌗:, a/n: anon I am comfortable with this request as I myself have gone through similar situations but you need to push through ! I hope you find solace in whatever keeps you happy and please don't do anything that might unalive you ! I love you <3 I have added things I kind of felt when situation like those happened

⌗:, warning: mentions of reader unaliving themselves,, trauma,, mental health issues,, read at your own risk ! angst !

⌗:, pairings: leona, jamil, malleus, rook w/ gn!reader

,,your depression has gotten worse. you still have freakish nightmares and you slowly start to wonder "do I really have any worth?" "maybe I am useless" "it is my fault that I always fail". these thoughts keep plaguing you mind it's as if someone is telling you to just k!ll yourself. maybe you should just?....

LEONA refuses to let anything get to his weakness and he would absolutely hate it when someone or something is the reason his cherished herbivore is going through hard times and having negative thoughts. He believed that when you are with him no dark thoughts would engulf your mind but...not everything can be kept at bay...

whenever you would visit savannahclaw you would most wear short sleeves or if you ever wore a long sleeve it would be mostly during winter but short sleeves were your favourite. However he noticed a sudden change in your clothing pattern with you wearing long sleeves more than often and turtlenecks . He may be laidback but he too once aimed for the throne of a king...

He knew you would never tell him so when you were sleeing in his arms he looked under your sleeves and for the first time he was frightened and covered in cold sweat.

" [name]...why do you have those cuts on your hands and on your neck ?" for the first time, your leona was dead serious with anything and his voice was a decible lower than usual. you knew that you would have to provide an atleast believeable excuse to make him believe. but no matter how much you tried to answer you felt as if you were being engulfed by the floor and damn gravity never felt this heavy.

you burst into tears. the thoughts, the pressure of life, the decisions, everything fell on you like a thousand bricks. he sucked at comforting but he knew hugs were your favourite. he told you to cry as much as you wanted to. he patted your back and offered to listen to everything you've been going through those days.

he may not be able to relate with you but atleast he can lessen the pain you've felt.

JAMIL himself had to undergo some strict training in his childhood but he had to admit that whatever happened with you nothing of the sort happened to him. so he couldn't share the nor understand your feelings but just know...that he will do whatever it takes to help you

you would visit his dorms and sometimes dance with him under the moonlight with passion because it was something you wanted to do, something that would be very intimate but recently he saw less passion in you and frequent absences of your presence on many days. he thought you were busy but there's no way that you would be absent for two weeks right?...

he was on his way to Ramshackle dorm to see what you were doing, and if there were any homework, he might help you with those, but he definitely didn't expect your silhouette standing on the highest balcony railing ready to jump. he was frozen with fear. 'there's no way that YOU would do this..'

as soon as he saw your feet leave the railing, he sprinted to the spot where you might fall, and thank goodness he caught you just before you hit the ground. you have some explaining to do cause he was taken aback, he couldn't grasp what was happening and he was definitely sweating HARD.

" WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU WERE DOING JUMPING OFF THAT RAILING ?! DO YOU WANT TO REALLY KI–" you cut him off by shouting "WHY DID YOU CATCH ME I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE ANYMORE LET ME GO" and that was your last straw as tears flowed out of your eyes like a waterfall and you were sure you were crying like a baby at this point.

Jamil can read the room very well so he sighed and said that you can tell him everything later on and he is sure that it is definitely trauma inducing otherwise you wouldn't have tried to jump off

he know how heartbreaking it would be to see you cry but he wants to let you let go of all the pains and sorrows you have experienced these days.

MALLEUS here has no idea. this man child is learning human emotions because he pretty much grew sheltered so he learns them by looking at you. Things that invoke happy emotions, romantic emotions, sometimes sad emotions but what is this emotion that you're feeling right now?

I feel that he is able to sense emotions that his lover feels. dragon instincts I guess. but while most emotions you feel smelled sweet, strong or sometimes like petrichor..this one smelled like poison ivy. why?

he may be learning but he doubts that those scents were anything but normal. while he did want to ask you about it you would just change the subject. he knew you were hiding something. his instincts are on another level when it comes to you

he sensed that you might be in danger so it's best if he investigated it by himself and not long after did he find blood stained knifes and ropes. he was horrified. to think that the one whom he cherishes so much would be trying to part away from him for eternity, to take away their own life. he can't have you do that. not when he already made up his mind to keep you by himself while he rules.

you made sure to check all your surroundings to see if everything was in place but you failed to notice that one knife was missing which malleus brought out in front of you when you didn't notice him. "[name]...why were you doing this to yourself?..." he was sad and heartbroken. his voice sounded like he was on the verge of crying and so were you. he was the last person you wanted to find out about your...intentions of killing you life...

no matter how much you tried to tell him something your mouth would only open just to close the next moment because you just cannot bring yourself to tell him. you dropped down on the floor telling him that "I just can't do it...I can't deal shit with life...everything around me feels like they are judging me..feel like they will engulf me and no matter what I do I'll just be useless all over again.." he couldn't reciprocate your feelings but he can surely make you feel better. such a person as yourself who stays bright and cheery should not be crying on the floor nor should they feel sorrows. he hugged you close to his chest while he told you that he would listen to everything you want to tell him.

if he can't shield you from sadness and mishaps then how can he call himself a worthy ruler who would protect the people..his people? so he would do anything in his power to make sure you never shed those tears again.

ROOK here knew exactly the moment when you seemed more gloomy and down than usual. you would talk less, eat less, and those eyebags were so prominent that they could be noticed from metres away.

Something is not right...he thought to himself. how could his always cheerful and perfect other half be so under the weather these days. looks like he needs to know about the origin of your sorrows. He is a stubborn one so he is going to and he WILL find out whatever or whoever has cause you pain. He knows for a reason that it's gotta be something from the past looking at how you don't want to tell him and looks like he was right....

he is slowly unfolding your bedsheets, opened your drawers, and investigated your kitchen knife. bigger sorrows usually lead to rash decisions and looks like he was right. he is a master archer and hunter. the smell of blood being too familiar to him to be able to trace the scent in the knife being yours.

he knew that it may be a possibility, but the fact being true makes him feel...crestfallen. how? why? when? all these thoughts raced his mind. he knew your reason for doing these would be even worse and heartbreaking. but he had to confront you and comfort you. so that's when you seeked you out in the middle of the night when you were almost going to drift off to slumber.

"[name]...were you trying to hurt yourself?" your eyes grew wide like saucers. you've never seen rook look so dejected and serious. you told him yes and showed him all the scars that wrapped your body. you felt tears threatening to spill from your eyes and..oh? why do your cheeks feel wet?...

his usual signature smile was now a ghost of itself and he had a frown. he hugged you as tight as possible and let you freely cry all over on his chest. he shushed you softly and told you to tell him everything you went through and let go of those past emotions.

with him here he swears to never let anyone or he himself be the reason of your tears. he can't afford to see his amoureuse stain her beautiful face.

a/n: sometimes you just need to let go of all those who belittled you or trampled over your pitiful self. you should now grow a stronger version of yourself and start your life anew <3

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girlwithherheadinthestars · 2 months

Text

but like. when a group of burnt out gifted kids is studying for an exam together late at night in their boarding school...

someone goes to get food from the vending machine

"pass me the gummy bears this question is a doozy."

at one point they decide they should get proper food and the two people who are usually the most sarcastic and distant make everyone sandwiches

candles not normal lights "FOR THE AESTHETIC GUYS IF I'M GOING TO SUFFER I'M GOING TO DO IT PRETTILY."

"who the hell left socks on the floor."

^"what. i think better barefoot."

"if one more person says the word electromagnetic i'm unaliving everyone in this room and then myself."

one of them falls asleep and their rival covers them in a blanket then turns to the others and says, "you tell them it was me and i'm making your life a nightmare."

forgetting basic addition because it's literally 2am

"i'm giving up and leaving this test to god."

^"babe i gave up two hours ago what are you still even doing."

"this feels like a cult."

^"let's do some voodoo to pass yeah?"

^"no i meant just because of the candles."

^"EVERYONE STOP HATING ON MY CANDLES I WON'T TAKE CANDLE SLANDER"

^"well if you want real dark academia i'll kill one of you."

^"i can't tell if he's joking."

^"if you're gonna kill someone can it be them."

^(sleeping character wakes up) "i heard something about killing (rival)? and who put a blanket on me?"

the character who's in every extracurricular on her phone scheduling meetings and planning -- enlisted the super shy character as her secretary and is freaking out because she has seven meetings and she has to inaugurate a children's hospital and meet the president within the next 12 hours

a teacher finds them in the lounge and sees the candles and goes "oh i'm sorry i'm interrupting this cult meeting -- "

the kids who went outside to smoke sneaking back in and seeing them and laughing "NERDS"

^shy kid was in the bathroom so comes up behind them and screams and they run away

^everyone staring at shy kid because they didn't know they could make a sound that loud.

part two - they're brought in for an early morning class

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haruchuiyo · 1 year

Note

I've GOT YOU i have been thinking about this a ton: girl finding out what bf wakasa does (gang stuff) and he has to either come clean, get rid of her, or die on the spot and he has no idea which one to do lmao but he eventually comes clean

Come clean

content: angst + mention of a gün + talks of unaliving + fluff at the end + wakasa loves you a lot.

fem!reader

thank you anon for requesting this, you’re a real one mwah, hope this lived up to what you’ve thought about.

—

He hesitates a lot. He even talked to Takeomi and he was no help. “Gaslight her into thinking she’s been dreaming about this stuff. It’s not like dreams come true.” Wakasa had to give him a hit on the head for that remark.

Once on the way to your apartment, he gets a message from you asking if he’s really involved in the criminal world and associates with gangsters. Wakasa could feel his entire body almost melt down as he pulls to the side of the road and his hands is starting to sweat. His heart pounds faster against his ribcage.

He grabs his gun from the car drawer and puts it firmly inside his jeans, just close enough for him to grab it. And he grabs a small box and sees a pill in there. And he takes that as well and puts it in the front pocket of his shirt. Then he started driving towards you after sending a message to you. ‘I’m on the way.’

While there, at the front door of your apartment, in your hallway and he sees you. You’re wearing shorts and his shirt that is a little too big for you. He could almost feel himself go into shock, his hearts beating fast and you see his eyes moving everywhere on you. You take a step towards him but stop when he pulls out his gun and has it by its side.

“Ushi?” You call out his name, softly but there’s a hint of fear in your voice. Wakasa shakes his head as looks at you, he can’t do this to you. No he can’t. “Why do you have a gun?” Why’s your voice so close? He didn’t realize you approached him closer and he feels his gun get pulled. He looks down and sees your hand on his, with the gun in it.

“It’s gang code isn’t it?” You have a sad smile plastered on your lips. He knows you figured it out. He can’t see you like this. Not with a sad smile. He’s supposed to make you happy, just the way you make him happy. He shakes his head again and pulls away the gun from your hold. He sees you gulp down and take a deep breath. “Gang code to kill anyone who finds out your work expertise?” You let out a dry laugh at the end. Work expertise, how ironic.

“Is it gang code, ushi?” You ask again and he hesitates before nodding his head. “Either that or I kill myself.” At that, your breath hitches.

“With this.” And you softly gasp when he pulls out a pill from his pocket in his hand and shows it to you. And Wakasa hates himself. Tears are welling up in your eyes. He can’t do this to you. He can’t put this weapon on your face and pull the trigger or on himself. He hurts you either way, no matter what choice.

“So gang code says either one of us has to die.” You remark, as if you’re trying to take the words in.

“There’s one more.” Wakasa speaks up.

“One more like you have to threaten me with murdering people I love? That’s so gang code, isn’t it?” You’re in shock as you say that with an another dry chuckle. Wakasa almost flinches at that. He can’t bear to listen you laugh like that, it’s not you. It’s not your pretty laugh he loves to hear. A laugh he do anything to hear.

“It is one of them but there’s one more.” He says and you almost groan. “And that is?” You retort back, wanting him to speak up, feeling like he’s dancing around the subject when he is in fact isn’t.

“I come clean.” Is all he says and you actually laugh this time. Genuinely. A real laugh and Wakasa wants to beat himself even more.

“Which one are you choosing then? Well, clearly you’ve chosen the last one. Just asking if you’re gonna do any of the first ones you mentioned as well.” You say while shrugging your shoulders, feeling numb.

“I’m only picking the last one.” He says softly as he meets your eyes and you look at him baffled.

“And I’m supposed to believe that when you have that in your hands?” You ask, baffled while pointing at the weapon in his hand. He looks down and almost dropped it before he places it on the table in the hallway.

“The guns not loaded.” He confesses and your eyes widens at his words. “Even if it was, I wouldn’t be able to do it. If I did, I’d just pull the trigger on myself.” He softly take a step towards you and grasps onto your hands softly. You look down at it, like it’s something unknown.

“The thought of you losing you would kill me.” His voice is shaking and you feel his hand on yours shake as well.

“So you are a criminal? A gangster, specifically.” He nods his head to your question. “Did you come here to kill me?” He shakes his head.

“Did you come here to kill yourself then?” And at that he nods his head. “Partly, but I came here to be honest with you.” He says truthfully and you nod your head in acknowledgment.

“Have you been honest with me about everything else other than your job?” He nods his head and grasps your other hand.

“About everything. This is the only thing I lied to you about and hid from you, but I really do work with motorcycles and cars.” He answers and you nod your head again.

“So you do really love me, huh?” You softly laugh and Wakasa feels his eyes get wet.

“I’ve always loved you, baby. From the moment I saw you, I’ve loved you.” This time he gently holds your face in his hands and he sees you softly lean into his touch. He leans in towards your face and brushes your nose against his.

“You could’ve told me you were a gangster.” You mumble and Wakasa smiles sadly.

“Would you still be with me then if you knew?” He asks and you giggle. “Do you see me running away now?” And at that, Wakasa lets out a soft chuckle.

“I’m so sorry, baby. I really am.” He voices again. He will always apologize to you and make it up to you. Every day of his life.

“I know you are. And don’t you dare take that pill.” You utter sternly and he nods his head as he places his forehead against yours.

“And I love you too, ushi.” You mumble gently, feeling shy for no reason. You feel him trace your cheek with the tip of his nose, to the juncture of your nose and then his lips softly press down on your cheeks, on the corner of your lips before finally pressing down on your lips. He feels you let out a soft gasp into the kiss as you move your hands up his neck to softly grasp your fingers through his hair. He absolutely loves it when you do that.

The kiss is gentle and soft, your lips moves against his in no hurry. Like he won’t leave you or you won’t leave him. His heart pounds against his chest, heart beating for you. You have his entire soul and heart in your hand and his only consists of you.

You break away from the kiss, breathless, as he continues to caress your skin with his gentle kisses. He pressed down against your jaw, to your pulse point continuing to your soft spot behind your ear. You let out a soft content sigh when you feel him kiss you there.

“I love you so much, baby.” He mumbles against your skin as he moves further down to where your neck and shoulder meets. He places one last kiss there before facing you. “I don’t think I will ever get tired of you saying that.” You say in a teasing tone and he chuckles a little.

“And I won’t ever get tired of telling you I love you.” He stated softly but truthfully.

“Next time, tell me everything, okay ushi?” You tell him, sternly as he nods before he places his forehead against yours.

“Everything.” He enunciated before he taking your lips in another kiss.

—

should write more for him ugh

if you’ve come this far, a like and a reblog + feedback would be incredibly appreciated <3

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tojiscumdumpster · 3 months

Text

⠀ ⠀ ⠀ ⠀⠀ PART ONE - TOJI

⠀ ⠀ ⠀ ⠀⠀ summary page

✧ content warnings unaliving of major character.

“Any last words?”

Within the next few minutes, I’ll be dead. I knew this the moment I saw that blue-eyed freak reappear after when I thought I killed him. Fucking sorcerers and their cursed technique bullshit. Maybe I was too confident thinking I would win the second time. I doubted myself at first, but then I calmed down… No .

I was just too confident.

A world like this wasn’t meant for a monkey like me. I was born into a fucked up family that treated me like shit because I didn’t have any cursed technique. The scar on my lip reminds me of it every day. I got over it, though. I accepted this was my faith. I served my purpose and it was time for me to go.

Still, I can’t help but wish I made it out alive. That I had a little bit more time.

“Nah,” I replied, vaguely.

How am I supposed to answer some cliché question like that?

Any last words?

Why would I tell him that?

Tell him about the thoughts and images that’s in my head.

Tell him that I had a wife who actually saw some good in me. Good enough to get pregnant and raise a kid together. Tch, me? Toji Fushiguro? A husband and father? I never thought I would live to see the day. And of course, it didn’t last long.

My wife died because of an incurable sickness. I never felt pain before. Not when I’m standing here with half my body blown off. Not when my family tortured me. But the day she died, I felt pain. I didn’t cry. I just felt empty. Felt like I had no reason to be decent anymore. How was I supposed to raise a kid by myself?

She told me I was going to be okay.

I wasn’t okay.

I’m a fucked a person.

A fucked up father.

I was never meant to carry responsibility because it never lasts long. Good things don’t last long. Death will always be endgame. So I went on with my life. I left my kid to fend for himself. Even Kong tried helping me take care of him, which was a waste on his part.

There was no point.

I was never made to be a fucking dad. Me selling my son to my family is better than what I could’ve done for him. It wouldn’t make any difference if I was or was not in his life because I would never be good enough to be a father. . . A person . . . But I met. . . Her .

In my final moments, I think of my late wife, my son, and her.

Y/N.

Another person who managed to see the impurity I have in me as pure.

What I had with Y/N was accidental. Not in a bad way, but we met on a whim. I met her at a bar a few months after my wife died. She was just so…vibrant. Special. Y/N puts words in my vocabulary I thought I kept reserved for my late wife.

Gorgeous. Breathtaking. Sexy. Deep brown skin, and a bed of coils on her head that smelled like honey and pomegranate. Curves of a siren but a face of a goddess. I wanted her to lose herself in me…

It seems like I lost myself in her.

A one night stand turned into every night. Sex turned into conversations, and conversations turned into…

Feelings.

A sick motherfucker like me who killed a teenager for money, almost killed one who fucking did reversed cursed technique to come back to life, and left another badly beaten, has feelings. For another woman who isn’t my dead wife.

The shit I got myself into with Y/N, having unspoken feelings for a woman I’m never going to see again, and she is a part of my last dying memories.

I don’t think I’m ever going to get used to this fucking sunlight beaming in my face every time I sleep here. Y/N says light helps you through the day, so being met with it first thing in the moment will give you the energy that you need.

Whatever that means.

However, I would be lying if I said I don’t feel calm right now, especially after last night.

We had an argument like we’re a couple. We’re not. I don’t know what exactly is going on between me and Y/N, but I know I’m selfish enough to claim her as mine without actually having a title. I made it very clear that I would kill anyone that she tries to move on with, and I have every intention of keeping that promise.

And I know she’s probably getting sick of this complicated situation we have.

I fuck her, we talk, and when I felt like it was getting too real, I leave for weeks then return when I think I have my feelings under control.

But see that’s the thing, no matter how long or far away I am from Y/N, I’ll never have what I feel for her under control.

What I feel is indescribable. She makes me feel like I have a choice to be better. To do better, and when I’m around her, I think that I want to.

I sound like a fucking sap. Toji Fushiguro, the Zen’in fuck up, having feelings all because of her. Love is foreign to me. Never thought I would come close to experiencing it again, but Y/N helps me find the meaning.

And even if I never said those words to her before, I feel it.

I feel it when I wake up in her bed, laying in the sheets that carry her lingering scent. Vanilla. Almonds. A hint of jasmine with sweet berries.

I feel it when I walk into the kitchen to see her cooking breakfast while wearing my shirt.

Fuck, she’s so goddamn sexy and beautiful. Morning wood is getting harder by the second.

My arms find Y/N’s waist to wrap around and pull into my erection so she can feel what she does to me.

“‘Morning, sweets,” I grumble, kissing the sweet spot behind her ear. She relaxes into my arms, but still manages to cook.

“I see you’re finally up… and here,” she says with a soft smile on her face.

“We are up.” We, meaning my cock and I. “And I am here. I told you I was staying the night. Thought I was lying?”

“No, I thought something might’ve come up. You know—with your sorcerer killing business.”

I hum. “Not today, but I do have something to handle in a couple of days.” Soon I need to take down the fake bounty I put out for the Star Plasma Vessel to make my move.

Y/N’s body tenses, shoulders becoming rigid and putting distance between us due to me telling her that I’m leaving soon. She turns off the stove, puts down the cooking spoon and turns to look at me. I know she’s mad at me. More so, disappointed. I just can’t help but think how fucking gorgeous she is, especially in the morning.

“You’re leaving already?” she asks. “I haven’t seen you in weeks, Toji. Where are you going now?”

“I’m not going anywhere far. I’ll be in Tokyo. It’s a quick job, then I’ll come back to you.”

Y/N purses those full pretty lips and crosses her arms over her chest, causing the swell of her breasts to be seen.

Now isn’t the time to have horny thoughts about her, but fuck.

“Whatever. Breakfast is ready. You can grab a plate.” Y/N turns to walk away from me. “I’m going to start getting ready for work.”

“Hey,” I say, grabbing her wrist to pull her back into my arms. This time, enclosing her tightly so she doesn’t leave until I let her. “I said I’m coming back to you. Didn’t I?”

“Yeah, and you always fucking say that. Don’t you? What makes this time different?”

“Because I-” Before those words escaped my mouth, I looked away.

The stare of Y/N’s round chestnut-colored eyes weigh on me while she waits for me to speak.

It’s quiet. Early morning, all that is heard is the birds chirping, making the silence between me and Y/N even fucking louder. We’re like this for about thirty-seconds until she realizes my unfinished words.

Her face softens. “You… what?”

“Y/N…” I sigh. “It’s not easy for me. These fucking words. These emotions. They’re all jumbled in my head. I just-”

“When you come back.” She interrupts, however, I don’t understand what she’s saying, so she continues. “Promise me, whatever you were going to say to me, promise that you’ll say it when you come back.”

“Sweets-”

“Just promise.” Her voice slightly breaks, eyes already glossing from the near tears.

I look at Y/N and see peace. Hope. Maybe’s and what ifs. Again, feelings that are foreign to me. Feelings I should be incapable of feeling. Shit, I fucking hate this… Then again, I don’t.

She doesn’t deserve the half-assessed bullshit I’ve been giving her. The inconsistency, and lack of commitment.

And I don’t deserve anything she gives me. Her time. Honestly. Empathy. Hell, not even the sex. But she gives it to me because she sees some shit in me that I don’t.

Maybe… maybe I should try again…

Just for her.

“I promise.”

Some promise that fucking was.

I told Y/N I’ll be back later on tonight. Told her to get pretty so I can take her out to dinner. Unless I magically gain reverse cursed technique, I think my time on this earth and with Y/N has come to an end.

I should’ve never made that damn promise. Not because I didn’t think I couldn’t keep it. But because she’s holding onto something that’s never going to happen.

That smile. Her scent. The peace she gave me… all of it was temporary. I knew a fuck up like me didn’t have any true purpose in this world. Today is the day I atone to my sins.

I’m surrounded by grey, black, and white, where the only ounce of color I felt in years, is when I was with Y/N.

I’ll never see her again, so the least I could do is this.

After I told this little Gojo fuck about my kid, I attempted one more request.

“Actually, if you could go to these brown apartments in Shibuya outside of Ebisu Station,” —I cough up blood— “there are the only ones with that color, fourth floor, fifth door to your left. Tell her… Tell her I’m not coming.”

He looks at me with confusion.

It was worth a try.

“If you won’t, then what-”

“Okay,” he answers, flatly.

I’m sorry, Y/N.

I’m so sorry I broke our promise.

Again.

Fuck, why does my heart feel like this? It feels… broken.

NEXT CHAPTER

#jjk x black reader #anime x black!reader #toji x black reader #toji fushigro x reader #toji x reader #toji angst #jjk angst

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samoankpoper21 · 22 days

Text

With Love, Oikawa

A/N Still reeling from the loss of my cousin '^^ It's not an easy experience to lose someone, it never will be. Surround yourselves with your loved ones, tell them you love them daily because you never know when they'll pass. I'm glad I was able to tell my cousin that I loved him before he passed so please don't mind this post '^^ I just needed to get this out of my system ^^ hope that makes sense and as usual hope y'all enjoy this drabble. T/W: Small mention of unaliving oneself

Word count: 1880

It was a freak accident. At least that's how the doctor's described it.

Morning of you woke up and your inner being was off, something felt misaligned. You peered over to your smirking husband as he reached over to tuck a stray hair behind your ear. "Morning love."

"Morning." you whispered. Years of dating and 2 years of marriage Oikawa could sense when something was bothering you. His eyebrows scrunched together studying your face. "What's wrong?" Taking a shaky breath you answered, "Honestly I don't know. I woke up feeling...weird."

"Anything I can do to alleviate that weirdness?" he wiggles his eyebrows suggestively pulling you closer to him. You giggle giving him an eskimo kiss. "I'm sure it's nothing babe." You both lay there staring at each other, the love for one another apparent in your eyes. He sighs contently kissing your forehead. "What did I do to deserve you?" you hum in response. "Come on babe, gotta get ready for work." He groaned, interlocking your legs together. "Gimme 5 more minutes. 5 more minutes."

"Babe I would love to but I have an important meeting today." He pouted hugging you impossibly tighter. You couldn't resist his pouty face so you chuckled, hugging him back promising, "5 minutes top Toru."

"Yes!"

15 minutes had passed and Oikawa was walking you to the door watching as you slipped your flats on. "What do you feel like eating for dinner babe?"

"You know I'm fine with-you know what, scratch that. Maybe bone broth soup? It's starting to get cold."

"Ok love, I'll get it from that shop in town."

"You're a god send."

"You're just now realizing." You pinched his arm pulling him close. Leaning down to your height, cupping your face, he says, "I love you you know that? Not more than myself but you're alright." You giggled lightly smacking his arm. "I guess you're alright too." He pecked you once, twice, the third time his arms snaking around your plush waist pulling you close, your hands instantly weaving in his light brown locks, his cologne and scent filling your nostrils. "Okay, okay I have to go. Seriously Toru." Trying to pry his arms away from you he pouted dramatically. "What am I gonna do without you for 8 whole hours?"

"Babe you're more than enough entertainment for yourself. Chill."

"You're right. I am pretty awesome." Chuckling, shaking your head, you gave him a quick peck again turning around to wave at him. "I love you."

"Love you more."

The meetings seemed to drag forever. You just wanted to rush home into your husband's arms as he held you. Just one more hour. This was the mantra that was getting you through this work week. It finally hit 5PM and you rushed to the kiosk swiping your card. "Bye everyone! Have a good weekend! Good work today!" you rushed out bowing to your superiors before rushing to your car pushing on the accelerator. Pulling into the driveway you noticed Toru's car not there. Probably went to get dinner. Stepping out you couldn't help but notice how eerily quiet your neighborhood was. Usually there would be some type of noise but everything was...still. You tried shaking off the anxious, dreadful feeling that stayed with you since the morning but it just wouldn't dissipate. Slipping off your shoes at the entrance you changed into your house slippers when the shrill notes of your ringtone broke the silence. Frowning at the unrecognized number you debated on whether you should ignore the call but something in you urged, nagged, you to pick up. "Hello?"

"Hello is this Mrs. Oikawa?"

"This is she."

"My name is Ito Asahi. I'm calling from Midori hospital in regards to your husband." With a quivering voice and shaky hands you ask, "Is...is he ok?"

"Your husband was involved in an accident."

"I don't-I don't understand." the dispatch cleared his throat, clearly uncomfortable with the news he was about to deliver. "Mrs. Oikawa, your husband was hit head on by a drunk driver and was pronounced dead-" the phone dropped, everything sounding muffled, your breathing ragged. You clutched at your chest, tears falling down your eyes, trying to focus on what to do next. Why was it so got damn hard to breathe? "Mrs. Oikawa? Mrs. Oikawa? Mrs. Oikawa?!" Ito's voice slowly brought you back, your hearing now accompanied by a ringing in your ear. "He...he's dead?"

"I'm sorry." you broke down sobbing clutching at your chest. Fumbling for your phone you dialed Hajime. "Hey Y/N-chan."

"Ha-Hajime," your voice broke.

"Y/N? What's wrong? Are you ok? Is everything ok?"

"T-T-Toru,"

"What about him? Did he hurt you?" shaking your head you continued. "T-T-Toru -hic- i-is -hic gone. -hic- He's gone Hajime!" The sound of shoes fumbling and keys being thrown into a pocket could be heard when Hajime blurts out, "Stay there I'm coming to get you."

Hajime found you sitting on the floor in the dark staring numbly ahead. Gently he helped you up, put on your shoes and coat, and asked where Oikawa was. Surprisingly you were able to utter, "Midori Hospital." The drive there was silent, Hajime having already called your mother-in-law. You watched as the green trees and pink hued sky zoomed by, your ears still ringing. The emergency room doors slid open, the bustling of the the patients being wheeled past and nurses zooming by brought you back to the present. You could hear monitors beeping, the intercom paging a doctor to the maternity ward, nurses taking note of vitals from patients sitting out in the lobby. Hajime lead you to the reception area stating, "Hello. We're looking for an Oikawa Toru." the nurse quickly clacked away at her keyboard when she affirms, "Go through the double doors on your left hand side, his room is 1-B which will be on your right. We were waiting for next of kin before wheeling him away."

"Thank you."

You were numb. Everything felt off. It was as if your body was merely a shell and you were just a third party watching, observing as you and Hajime made your way to his room. With shaky hands, Hajime slowly peeled the green curtains back only to find Oikawa's lifeless form covered by a white and green plaid blanket. "Oi," Hajime's voice broke. "Oi trashy-kun wake up. Wake up! Oikawa Toru wake up!" the sobs began racking through Hajime's body, you began rubbing his back. Shortly after your mother-in-law appeared beside you, her shrill wailing piercing the air, your tears silently falling.

The funeral procession went by smoothly and quickly, you being on autopilot. Former and present teammates came to wish their condolences. You instantly recognized the short, orange haired wing spiker and Oikawa's junior setter looking down cast for the first time. "Thank you for being here." you mutter. Numbly you watched as the casket lowered into the ground, the thud of the casket deafening. Iwaizumi escorted you home. "Are you sure you'll be ok Y/N-chan?"

"I'll be fine thank you Hajime."

"Are you sure? If you need anything-"

"I just...I just need time alone." Worried he gave you one last glance before engulfing you in a hug. "Call me? For anything."

"I will." The door silently clicked close as you dragged your feet towards your shared bedroom. Plopping down on the bed you clutched and inhaled Oikawa's San Juan jersey. You got a whiff of his scent and cologne, the dam you tried to hold in your chest finally bursting. Your sobs came out in waves racking your whole body folding the jersey within the confines of your pudgy body, your chest.

4 months later

Since Oikawa's passing you have been on leave for bereavement; you weren't ready to face work, reality really. Hajime and your mother-in-law made it a habit to check in on you; concerned when you brought it to their attention that you would be taking a trip to Kamakura. You reassured them that you would be okay and that you had no intention of ending your life. Walking the shores of Kamakura you peered out towards the ocean with Oikawa's jersey in your beach bag. Laying your towel down in a spot near the shade, you took out your notebook, his jersey and began journaling.

Hi babe, it's me again. It's been 4 months since you've been gone and I can't say that it's getting easier. Hajime and mom have been checking up on me regularly, making sure that I put a little something in my stomach, especially on the days that I don't feel like it. Remember babe when you promised me that we would go to the beach? You kept telling me about how beautiful the beaches in San Juan were and how they don't compare to your beauty so I'm taking a solo trip to Kamakura. I figured this beach is probably on par as San Juan and your essence ha ha ha. How are you? I miss you. I'm taking it minute by minute, the whole bullshit about taking it day by day is hard. As each day comes to a close it gets hard to sleep because I'm always expecting you to come through the door yelling, 'Baaaaaaabeeee I'm hooooooomeeeee.' Each day has its struggles. Some days I'm okay, other days I find myself sobbing nonstop, others I sit there numbly staring at the wall. Pathetic huh? I just know you're probably giving me shit about not doing things extravagantly ha ha ha When is this gonna end? This empty feeling I mean. Since you left there's a gaping hole in my heart that will be tough to fill. Tough but not impossible. You wouldn't be you if you didn't leave me with a little surprise. I found out earlier this week that I'm pregnant. We're having a boy baby! Can you believe it?! When the doctor told me I had tears of joy, sadness, and just remember this feeling of being scared. How am I gonna do this without you? :(( I'm thinking of naming our son either Touki for winter pleasure since that's when he's due or Towa for eternal peace; I'm leaning towards Towa kekeke Oikawa Touki? Oikawa Towa? Has a funny ring to it ^^ What do you think? I've already told mom and Hajime that I have news for them once I get back home late tonight. I want them to be the first to know. I miss you babe. I love you. I will tell our son all about how flamboyant, egotistical, loving, and romantic his dad was and how amazing of a setter you were. Are you playing up there? Wherever you are. Every time I see a clear, starry night it takes me back to when you asked me to marry you^^ Sorry. I know I'm going all over the place but I just really, really, really wanted to let you know that I love you. so so very much. And I miss you more than words can describe. Talk to you later. Sending kisses to the sky. Wait for me my love. I have a lot of work to do here before I can join you^^ love love love you. With love, Y/N.

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