#i have a few more issues but i won't exposed myself that much | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

throttlegainwell · 8 months

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2, 4, 29 for the fic ask !!

I got totally carried away with this, but I had fun! Thanks for playing.

2. Do you read/reread your own fics?

Yep! Not that often, but sometimes when I get a particularly nice comment out of the blue, I'll go back and read the fic. And I'm usually pretty happy with it, as a writer, and as a reader, I enjoy it, if enough time has passed that I don't remember exactly what to expect. I'm pleasing an audience of one when I write and just letting myself explore the weird and niche little ideas that I'm interested in or curious about.

4. How many WIPs do you have right now?

Hahahaha omg SO. Sorry for the long answer, but here we go. My inconsistency/attention span issues are on full display here. And like anyone else, my writing time is limited, so I take kind of a whack-a-mole approach to it.

I used to have files just, like, all over the place. A couple of external hard drives, mostly. So I never knew how many stories I'd actually started and I was always having to find them. I finally started using Scrivener this year, hoping that being able to have one project binder for fics (with different folders for different fandoms and sub-folders for fics themselves) would help me actually remember that they're there and be more likely to work on/finish them. Removing a barrier, you know?

This is going well! I start new fics way too easily, but it's nice being able to just jump into various projects and see at a glance just how much stuff there is. I wish I'd started using Scrivener many years ago when people in my writing circles started raving about it, but I digress.

HOWEVER. For Stranger Things alone, I have sub-folders labeled Gen, Plotty, Non-Porn Shippy, Porny, Dark, and Prompt Fills. Each of those has several WIPs in varying degrees of progress. So assume that all of these folders have a dozen or so documents in them, but here are the ones that I actively poke at on a rotating basis, as time and focus allow:

The please don't wake me series has its own folder under Dark with 8 currently active WIPs that I really am writing, here and there, and genuinely stand a chance of finishing. There are two Dark ones that I may or may not post (probably won't), but I do actively work on them--and also another idea I had this week that is very, very tempting, but also very sad and complicated.

Porny has Fractals (the Nancy one), a Jargyle one, Jancy reunion sex, a future AU Stonathan one, and, weirdly enough, a Carol/Nancy one set in the future.

Non-Porn Shippy and Plotty are all in time-out (hence why I flit between shorter works right now instead of digging into longer ones), and Gen and Prompt Fills have plenty of ideas but nothing that pulls me too much.

It's really incredibly absurd, tbh. And that's just for Stranger Things. My folders for other fandoms are equally ridiculous and also contain some active WIPs. So I guess I'd estimate 20 that I really do work on semi-regularly? Tons more dormant stories that I might jump into any time and turn into an active WIP again.

29. Share a bit from a fic you’ll never post OR from a scene that was cut from an already posted fic. (If you don’t have either, just share a random fic idea you have that you don’t plan on getting to.)

This is a scene from Rainy Day, one of the Dark ones that I've shared a few snippets from but probably won't post in full (focusing on Will and Jonathan and their complex relationship, but with a very weird and upsetting inciting incident). Will's memory here is actually the inspiration for the reference Jonathan and Will make in when there's fire on the ground and remember who held you; their version is very vague and abbreviated, but this is basically what I had in mind. The two 'verses aren't related, but this is where the idea started, and I later used it for pdwm.

Side note: I think Will wasn't exposed to as much of Lonnie's nastiness as Jonathan, so he's not all that aware of what went on between them for the most part, but in this story, Will has somewhat of an idea of how shitty Lonnie is (because of the incident described and the effect it has on him). I wanted to explore a dynamic where he has an inkling of how fucked up things were, enough to see a crack in the facade but not enough to know how to feel about it.

Warnings include child abuse, homophobic slurs, and Lonnie's general gross attitude toward parenting (including an inappropriate home environment). Rated M due to the warnings.

Will knows some siblings talk about sex stuff like it’s nothing, but it’s not like that with him and Jonathan. It’s probably the age difference, or maybe the fact that, if Will’s feeling honest, Jonathan is practically as much of a dad to him as he is an older brother. It’s complicated.

Of course, the one time Will had stayed overnight at his actual father’s place, Lonnie had spent half the night loudly banging his girlfriend as though to remind Will that that’s what real men did, and Jonathan had gotten into a big argument with Lonnie about how Will shouldn’t have to listen to that, and it had been a whole thing. He can still hear his dad’s sneering, mocking voice in his head, laughing all the while like the whole thing was a big stupid joke: “Look, kid, I’m doing the little fag a favor. He’s gotta learn sometime. So fucking untwist your panties, will you, Jonny?”

Will had been behind Jonathan, where he’d snuck out of his room to see what was happening, even though Jonathan had told him to stay put. Normally he listened to whatever Jonathan said to do, but anxiety had propelled him out of the folding cot, out of the glorified closet Lonnie had shoved him into and called a bedroom. Lonnie made him nervous. He always had. But he’d rarely had to really deal directly with their father. He’d always thought that it was because Lonnie didn’t care about him, and that was true, but the older he gets, the more he thinks at least some of it was careful maneuvering and interference-running on Jonathan’s part to keep Lonnie from bothering him.

Anyway, Lonnie made him nervous enough that he’d been unable to just sit there and listen to whatever was happening on the other side of the flimsy door. Jonathan was trying to keep it down, but the harsh, angry tone of his voice was shocking even without the words, hard to reconcile with the quiet, gentle way his brother always spoke to him.

“He’s ten, you asshole,” Jonathan was spitting as he came into view, his shoulders sharp and tense and his fists clenched by his sides. Jonathan was always kind of tired, but he wasn’t tired then. He was all live wire energy and danger. But not enough for Lonnie to take seriously, clearly.

Will couldn’t really remember seeing Lonnie and Jonathan interact much, though he must have, since when Lonnie was over, Jonathan was usually trying to cheer Will up. And even when Lonnie had still lived with them, Lonnie was usually fighting with Mom, disappearing somewhere, actively ignoring Will, or taking Jonathan out to do some kind of father-son bonding thing that Mom expected would make him feel jealous or left out but that actually didn’t bother him. Not that much, anyway. Mom would try to console him, thinking his feelings must be hurt because his dad barely remembered he was alive, but he was often left wondering if it wasn’t Jonathan she should be comforting, though he could never quite put his finger on why. Jonathan always came home from those bonding sessions in a really bad mood, and he wouldn’t ever talk about it, so it never really seemed like Will was missing out on much. But Jonathan was also usually really nice to him after, and not in the casual way he normally was—he’d be so careful, and so intense, and he’d say things like, “You know how much I love you, right?” and things like, “I’ll always look out for you, Will. You know that, don’t you?” And it always seemed so important to him that Will would immediately nod, wide-eyed and confused but never about Jonathan’s brotherly devotion.

In retrospect, someone really should have noticed that something wasn’t right.

So Jonathan didn’t know that Will was there, and Will couldn’t see Jonathan’s expression, but he had a great view of the menacing way Lonnie, clad only in low-slung sweatpants that he’d probably hastily thrown on, got in Jonathan’s face. Of the way he pushed him back—once, twice, right in the chest—and the way he changed his mind and grabbed him by the shirt to haul him in close. And it shocked Will even more than Jonathan’s demeanor, watching the easy, mean way Lonnie shoved Jonathan around. Kids did that to Will and his friends at school sometimes, and they were bigger than him, but that had felt different. And that was him, scrawny and unpopular. He stopped hearing sounds—not the ugly words, not the angry voices. All he was aware of were those big hands on his brother, and Jonathan looking small for the first time in Will’s ten-year-old memory.

And it was about him. When Lonnie swung Jonathan around to shove him back into the wall, it was about Will. When Jonathan pushed back, bony arms against Lonnie’s fully-grown strength, Will thought about how Jonathan was only in that position because he was looking out for him. Jonathan had stayed over there before, and presumably Lonnie hadn’t been shy about screwing his girlfriend then either, but it sure seemed like Jonathan had only kicked up a fuss over it for Will’s sake. The shift in position had revealed a sliver of Jonathan’s face, but he hadn’t noticed Will—all of his attention had been taken up by glaring at Lonnie and trying and failing to push him away. But Will has never been able to forget Jonathan’s face in that moment. He’d never seen it before, and he hasn’t seen it since: eyes narrowed, teeth bared, all fury and contempt and disgust in every inch of him.

It all went by quickly after that. Will wanted to help, but he didn’t know what to do, so he panicked and slipped back into his room to curl up into a ball in bed. He just hadn’t wanted to make things worse. The noises changed, then stopped, and then Lonnie’s girlfriend stormed off, saying, “I’m not in the mood anymore, Lonnie. Jesus Christ, what the fuck was that? What kind of chest-pounding machismo bullshit!” Lonnie followed her out, and Jonathan stepped into Will’s room and closed the door. There was a single chair in the room, which Jonathan had stared at for a moment before he’d shoved it up under the doorknob. Will has thought a lot about that moment since; he’s just about concluded that Jonathan was probably weighing the necessity and safety of blocking the door against potentially scaring Will with that decision. But Will had already realized by then that they weren’t really safe—Jonathan acknowledging the danger, instead of pretending that it wasn’t there, had actually helped.

Will knew that he was there to check on him. There wasn’t enough room for the two of them, so Jonathan was sleeping on the couch, not in there with him, even though Will would have felt safer if Jonathan were near.

“You okay?” he’d asked, all calm and tired and soft edges again. Familiar. If Will hadn’t gone out—if he hadn’t seen—he wouldn’t have known what had just happened. Wouldn’t have even glimpsed that rage that apparently simmered under Jonathan’s skin where Will could never see it—untapped, untempered.

He’d sat on the edge of the cot, careful so it wouldn’t tip over and drop them both. The same way he’d sat before, when he’d slipped into the room, leaving the light off, and just waited, listening. Will hadn’t thought about it then, but, in retrospect, he’d probably been checking whether Will could hear Lonnie and how loud it was from there. The truth was, Will had been listening for a while, totally bewildered by the noises Lonnie and his girlfriend were making, confused by the weird exclamations and instructions. It was annoying because it was keeping him awake, but it hadn’t bothered him as much as it bothered Jonathan—enough to quietly slip out the way he’d come and then go pound on Lonnie’s bedroom door, confronting Lonnie the way he’d never done when he and Will had blocked out the fighting with his music. Maybe it would have bothered Will more if he’d been a little older—if he’d understood.

Will had nodded. Instead of looking up at his brother, he’d stared at the wrinkles in Jonathan’s t-shirt where Lonnie had gripped it.

“I’m gonna call Mom first thing in the morning, okay? I’m gonna tell her to take you home.”

“You don’t want to go home, too?”

“I do,” he’d said. “But I may have to stay a little longer. I don’t know yet.”

“Okay.”

For the first time, he really didn’t want Jonathan to be alone with Lonnie. He’d thought about telling Mom. Maybe even tip-toeing to the phone before morning to call her himself.

“Sorry about all the noise.” He’d gently squeezed Will’s shoulder as he stood to leave. “Try to get some sleep.”

“Wait.”

And Jonathan had waited, patient, eyebrows raised in question, but Will couldn’t say it. Couldn’t say that he didn’t want to be alone—that he didn’t want Jonathan to be alone either, not when he’d finally realized that Jonathan was vulnerable and not invincible like he’d always figured. But the thing about his brother that he appreciated most was that he never made Will say things. He just understood.

“One sec,” he’d said. He’d temporarily moved the chair, ducked out of the room, and then returned lightning fast with a deck of playing cards in one hand. He’d carefully secured the chair back in place before he’d sat.

They’d played Go Fish until morning, when Will’s eyelids grew heavy and aching and faint bruises had begun to bloom on Jonathan’s wrist—like the photographs that Jonathan developed, the way the picture would become visible. Will was too tired by then to pretend he wasn’t staring at them; he couldn’t quite clock how they’d gotten there.

“Sleep now?” Jonathan had asked, rising one last time. “Mom should be up soon. I’ll call.”

Will doesn’t remember if he’d answered. He just remembers Jonathan pulling the blanket up over his shoulders before he’d left.

#ask game #writing tag

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bees-with-swords · 11 months

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It is really really frustrating to put up with systemic issues about air pollution and fire season for OVER A DECADE, and now that the east coast of the US is dealing with smoke problems it's getting the kind of analysis and publicity in the media that I've been screaming myself hoarse for since I was seven years old. It's like Australia and California don't matter nearly as much to global media as New York does. It feels extremely shitty, like my house burned down and my family was displaced and a member of my community died, but right now wildfires are getting more attention than ever before because the east coast is getting just a slice of what we've been dealing with for years.

I just feel so much envy over the outpouring of awareness, love, and support, that I never received when exposed to air quality issues OR displacement. I've lost my childhood home, my community. The fire station we paid taxes for sent their engines to a wealthy neighbourhood 15 miles away---a neighbourhood that had opted, several years earlier, to get rid of their own fire station. The fire service didn't warn our neighbours on the private roads about the fire. Some barely made it out alive. One died. Because of the lack of warning, hundreds of pets and livestock couldn't be evacuated and burned alive. The very hills I grew up on were badly damaged by corporate policies after the fire, cutting down trees and causing massive erosion.

And all of that, all of that trauma that has left our community irreparably splintered, started out with small things. Like going outside and smelling smoke. So when the memes come in (the memes that have been made before but largely ignored by folks on the east coast) and the air quality control tips (turn on your shower, increase humidity, leave out trays of water), I can't help but feel... Lost? Is history repeating itself because folks truly didn't understand what we've been going through over here? Or because nobody cared? Does the Canadian government sincerely think they can allow campfires this late in the year?

Has nobody learned from us? My house burned down, my family is living with trauma and my parents are forced into an abusive living situation and the hills I grew up on are scarred from decades of fire suppression, and nobody learned from that? Why did it happen, then? Why is nobody from the East studying it, to make sure nobody over there goes through that? Why aren't Easterners talking about fireproof housing and controlled burns and living with fire rather than against it? Were you not watching us burn? Were you not learning from our baby steps? Why are you repeating our history?

People are asking such basic questions like 'how do I keep my air clean' and 'why do we have so much fire suddenly' instead of 'how do I install metal shutters on my home' and 'how do we eradicate settler-colonialism from our ideas about forest management?' and 'how do I support fire and climate refugees?'

It feels like I've returned from the war just to watch a dozen fresh faced recruits march off eagerly. Was nobody watching? Did nobody care, did nobody learn? If people won't seek out information until the smoke is in their lungs, how am I supposed to feel any hope? I don't want my job to be endlessly educating people who don't have a reason to care yet. I would have thought you cared already. I would have thought we'd be further along.

Please do research. I don't have the energy to educate people right now, I did it for years and years but so few people listened. Go look up something about TEK and controlled burns and fire suppression and old growth forests. There's lots of material you've probably never looked at. I know it can be hard to care about what goes on in other parts of the world, but now it's affecting you. You need to know the basics of what's wrong with our system, you need to know whether fire suppression may have long term implications for your area, you need to know how to do your part in local politics, and you need to know how to help the people who are affected.

After our house burned down I got a quilt. Pajaro Valley Quilt Association made quilts for fire victims, and my mom grabbed me the nicest one they had. You have to understand, I didn't have any nice things at that point. Most of my most precious possessions didn't make it out of the fire. But I have this quilt, because the community came together and gave me one nice thing that I'll be able to keep for the next generation. We need more of that. We need people to pour out love and make donations and send cards and do anything, anything, just to make someone feel less bad on the worst day of their life. If you want to help, that's how.

I didn't get any quilts from the east coast. It feels like everyone stopped caring after the first few years of fires and drought. It became old news.

But it's still real here, it's still exhausting, and it could be you too unless we all get on the same page.

#vent #it is really really bad over there! I have a lot of sympathy!#but I feel like there's also a systemic issue with west coast issues recieving a lot less press because we have a much more rural populatio #pet death

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lorbanery · 5 months

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Listen

I'd never heard of most of the people mentioned in Hbomberguy's video either! It doesn't prove I'm smarter or more discerning than folks who had watched their videos, or that I can't be taken in by grifters.

All it actually proves is that their videos either never got pushed onto my recommended page, or their titles/thumbnails didn't spark my interest.

But you know whose videos did interest me? Illuminaughty's. That's right, I'd been following Illuminaughty for a couple of years up until the day video exposes started popping up on my recommended list.

I like to consider myself relatively good at spotting and avoiding scam artists. But I just never clocked Illuminaughty. Part of it was because, with very few exceptions, I don't like to engage with Youtubers outside of their main Youtube content. I don't follow people on social media, I don't join discord servers, I don't even generally watch personal/life update videos, because I don't like feeding that parasocial monster. So I didn't even see the whole mess on Twitter that started the subsequent rockslide.

But part of it was that ... I just didn't notice the red flags that Hbomberguy pointed out! He, someone who is very familiar with how to research and how to properly use and cite sources, saw things like unattributed quotes flashed on screen and vague statements about when and where quotes were found and they stood out to him. But I just don't have that background or experience. I was one of those people who fell for the tactics that HBG exposed as ways Illuminaughty covered up and suggested that there was more original content in her videos than there actually was.

Part of it was also that I just ... let slide the relatively small red flags I did notice. HBG mentioned her massive source lists — I remember thinking more than once that a massive list of sources like that would be way too much for anyone to actually sift through. But it was good that she was included sources at all, right? Or just how many flubs she has in her voice overs. Some people just don't have the time patience to edit those out or rerecord, though! And sure when she stumbles on a name it's almost like it's the first time she's come across that name despite having supposedly done all this research, but also some people are just bad at name pronunciations.

You know, I even followed Cruel World Happy Mind for a while around the same time (I unfollowed her before this for a wholly different reason, and while I've watched her videos about Illuminaughty because they shared important information, I won't be refollowing her). I remember when she posted that video where she talks about an issue she had with a mysterious other, larger creator over fan accusations of copying. Apparently a lot of other folks had been able to figure out that she'd been talking about Illuminaughty. I had no clue.

Everyone is susceptible to being lied to. Because that's what happened here to viewers at the end of the day. They were lied to about who had actually authored the writing in those videos. We're all susceptible to it! No matter how smart or discerning you think you are. You have blind spots, you have subjects you're don't actually know that much about. And we are all inclined to trust people when they present themselves as knowledgable, because most people aren't lying about that.

And that's not a bad thing! It doesn't make you stupid or naive to trust people when they say they know what they're talking about.

This shit happens. It's always happened, it's always going to happen.

The solution isn't never be taken in by a liar. The solution is gathering information when someone you trusted is accused of lying, of being open to the possibility, of not taking it as a personal slight against you and acting accordingly.

Because that's the other thing: It's not about you. It's not a test to see how smart or naive you are. It's a wrong that's been committed. The only person who did anything wrong is the person who stole and lied. Not the people who were lied to.

You've been given information because it's important. These people have harmed the people they stole from. You have the information now, not so that you can use it as a cudgel against people who had supported them, or will having missed this whole dustup; but so that you can make the decision to not or stop supporting them. So that you have more tools to identify plagiarists in the future.

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blossomxlush · 1 year

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hehehe back at it again

Alright so the origin for this story (I have no idea why I said origin) was that I really wanted to see someone write an izuru Kamakura x reader story where reader was like yumemi yumemite (best girl) from kakeguri only to come to the sad realization.. nobody wrote a story like that So im becoming my dream and writing it for myself (and all my other lovely izuru simps) (tell me why I wrote Simps and it auto corrected to Simpsonville..) Anyways I'mma shut up now with the boring origin and get on with the story 😚 (damnit I said origin again - modhiyoko after finishing the story)

Izuru Kamakura with a S/O that's like yumemi yumemite

p. s this is so long I almost fell asleep before finishing it

another p. s I'm so sorry for my masculine readers but the reader for today's story is female Sorry!

okay so for this we know that you are the shsl popstar (aka super high school level popstar)

(I added that because my idiotic self didn't know what shsl meant until a few months ago)

also rl quick I'mma define who yumemi yumemite is rl quick

(IF YOU HAVEN'T WATCHED KAKEGURI YET THERE ARE SPOILERS)

Yumemi yumemite is a popstar who only became a popstar because it was supposed to be a temporary hold until she became an actress but she realized that she went places she never thought she would have gone before by being a popstar (she actually said that in one episode) She realized that playing this character was really fun and worth much more then she thought she did hate her fans but even after getting exposed her fans still loved her but she has anger issues either way (like me 😘) so basically she's a batshit crazy popstar and you either love her or hate her because she's a Psycho but adorable (hope that explains it)

okay now I'm actually gonna start with the head cannons

(BTW this is all from my perspective and what I think would happen it's probably a little fannon instead of cannon

Starting off I'll say this everytime you were very interesting to him

on how you could hold up the sweet act for so long in front of a person who disgusts you

how you could fool everyone into thinking that you loved them when you absolutely loathed them

that caught his attention

what also caught his attention was your adorableness

but he could also perfectly see through all of that adorableness was anger and something not so sweet

(a lot of this next part is based off of the episode where yumemi goes up against her icon yukizome in a gamble)

he was for once surprised on how you would have the courage to break your own finger for an act

just to win a gamble

he was truly mesmerized by you

now this is relationship hcs

your anger issues where not a problem for him

he is very patient and is amazing at calming you down

(when she gets mad she litterly flips over tables in her dressing room)

so if you made a mess like this after helping you calm down like he would cuddle you and play with your hair of gently kiss you and bring you somewhere more quiet and alone (probably his dorm or something)

he would help you calm down more there

but he would refuse to leave you alone

he won't leave until your calm because he doesn't want you to go through something like that alone

and after your calmed down he would go back and help put every thing back in its place

if you tried to apologize for acting up

he would immediately shut it down and reassure you it's alright and not your fault for getting angered easily

also if your having trouble with stalker or creepy fans you got a bodyguard by your side

all in all this man loves you very much whether or not your a pretty little Psycho

I got one last little thingy for y'all hehe

am I going to tell you what it is NOPE it's a surprise one shot

(here's a hint if your a girl who loves flowers you'll love this oneshot)

One of yours shows was about to start and you where a nervous wreck why? because this is the first show your boyfriend izuru Kamakura was going to be at but even through all that nervousness you stepped on that stage ready to perform this wasn't a gamble show just one of your usual concerts but you were even more nervous about this rather then your gambles

but your going to give it your all

after the show

Hearing all of the people in the audience giving their applause you gave a bow and said your usual thanks for everyone coming walking into your dressing room you got a text from your boyfriend izuru Kamakura

izuru: I have something for you

you: oh?.. what is it?

just then you heard a knock on your dressing room door your assistant offered to get it but you did instead you open it to find izuru Kamakura standing outside your door holding something

you were very nervous on his thoughts on the show but you were still curious about what he had for you

hello ízuru you smiled at him walking out the dressing room closing the door behind you

he didn't reply but he did hand you something

a bouquet of [insert favorite flowers]

you blushed at it then looked up him

he then spoke softly "I got these because there not only as beautiful as you but now I realized their also beautiful like your singing"

you were about to say something before he continued

"don't doubt if when I say you truly are beautiful and might I say adorable when you smile after your performance how you are so full of energy on stage how you don't fail to thank everyone for being there... it's seems I have found myself falling more and more Inlove with you each time you show me a new side of you" he said then smiled a bit before placing a kiss on your lips

i-izuru you said tumbling your words not being able to even tell if you were still awake

you felt like you were going to collapse or melt from all the sweetness

he pulled you into a hug once he noticed your blushing form leaning forward

"don't faint dear" he chuckled

I can't it's to sweet you replied

"you think this is sweet I'm just merely showing the surface of sweetness because -" he cut off before leaning down to whisper in your ear before continuing

"I have a lot more sweetness saved for you later tonight"

EEEEEEEK I hope this was a good enough make up for the last story I half assed.

who wants a NSFW part two? just me? alright 🥲

stay spooky-modhiyoko

#danganronpa #danganronpa x reader #animecore #izuru x reader #izuru kamukura x reader #anime icons

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greenapplebling · 2 years

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Do you mind if I ask your top 10 favorite characters (can be male or female) from all of the media that you loved (can be anime/manga, books, movies or tv series)? And why do you love them? Thanks....

Hi! I love your question bc I love talking about my blorbos 💖

I won't rank it from 10 to 1 bc it will take forever lol, but I'm going from "least favorite" to "neutral favorite" to "absolute unchangeable favorite"

I tried to make it as spoiled-free as possible but I couldn't contain myself 😅

Least favorites

Sesshomaru (Inuyasha)

I didn't actually finish Inuyasha but I know the gist of it. I love his design and I find his journey as a character interesting. Sesshomaru is a villain that eventually becomes a reluctant ally, I watched Inuyasha as a teen and at that time media kept bombarding us with villains that kept getting redeemed at the end so watching Sesshomaru never actually getting redeemed was a breath of fresh air. Boy, it's so funny to see the struggle of the main characters in trusting him bc he never showed that he could be trusted and most of the times he helped it was bc it was convenient for him to do so.

Starfire (Teen Titans cartoon)

Listen. The soft girl archetype is not my thing but I?? love her sm??? For the soft girl of the group, she never becomes the go-to-damsel in distress (everyone gets to be saved one way or the other by their teammates at some point) and the show never makes her kindness into a weakness but rather into a strength which is highly appreciated. I guess my only issue is the design they went for her, I wished her hair was wavy or curly like in the comics for ex.

Alucard Tepes (Castlevania Netflix)

Pretty boy? Check. Long hair? Check. Vampire (dhampir actually)? Check. Queer? Check. Daddy issues? Check. Traumatized? Check. Craves for love but is stoic himself? Check. Alucard basically checks all the boxes to be my favorite and yet his writing and development makes him be in this section. I hope the spin off does him justice.

Neutral favorites

Peter Parker / Spiderman

Not much of a fan of the movies, but I grew up with him as my favorite superhero with cartoons like The Spectacular Spiderman (kinda sad it got cancelled), I also enjoyed him on Ultimate Spiderman (bc he acts like a total lunatic and I love it) and I love Peter B. Parker from Into the Spider verse, he becomes a reluctant father figure to Miles and it's amazing. Overall I think he's biggest charm is how relatable he is to us kids who grew up marginalized by our peers.

Mikaela Hyakuya (Seraph of the End)

I'm too biased towards him, okay? He's my little baby, literally the only reason I haven't dropped the manga yet. Is he well written? No. Do I still love him? Absolutely. Same reasons as Alucard but with a few more layers to it.

Wanda Maximoff (MCU)

Look, this is the only version I've been exposed to of the character, saying this bc I'm aware of people saying that mcu Wanda pales in comparison to comics Wanda. But I love her, ok? I would die for her. "But what if you were in-universe and she killed you?" Bro, I'll die in happiness if she was the one who killed me. I love her, I'm too much of a simp for her. The only issue I have is that she's not well written, I look at her and all I see is wasted potential, but oh well, Marvel Studios never cared about quality.

Absolute unchangeable favorites

Lapis lazuli (Steven Universe)

Steven Universe will always have a special place in my heart and Lapis lazuli has been my favorite character through the whole show. I related to her and her journey a lot. The writing uses her character to show PTSD; trauma and how the same traumatic event doesn't have the same effect on people; how the abuser/victim dynamic is not always the case on toxic relationships, sometimes the roles interchange constantly and they're both the abuser and the victim at the same time; how overcoming trauma isn't (always) lineal, most of the time is taking a step forward and two steps backwards. She had it bad but she persevered until she finally came on good terms with her situation and started to heal and I love her for it.

Kurama (Yu Yu Hakusho)

It's been like 15 years and I still love this guy, even more so as an adult. Yu Yu Hakusho is basically THE comfort show for me, seriously I have since watched the anime in spanish, english and japanese. I'm love with his background and journey, all main guys have great development but Kurama's development is the most subtle but still powerful. The thing about him is that he struggles between trying to be what his loved ones expect him to be and accept that he can't erase who he used to be and what he has done on his previous life. He has an identity crisis (not in the way most fans make it out to be though, it's not a personality issue) about who he used to be, who he is now and who he really wants to be.

Jason Todd (DC/Batman comics)

I love him, your honor. He's a walking tragedy and I love him for that. He's representations for those who grew up on poverty and resorted to stealing to survive, for those who are suffering in the shadow and people, who have the means to help, look away from and act like if they don't look at them they don't exist. He's character is cathartic for those victims that wished they could've stand up and fight back, for those who wished for justice to protect them but failed. I have my issues with his character and how is used, but since most DC characters are ruined from time to time bc of the writing I kinda look past it lol.

Soooo, this is it!! I'm sorry it took me so long to answer, I wanted to give a mostly thoughtful answer

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chibinekochan · 2 years

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My Ghostmate part 3

part: 1 I 2 I

Ft. Leviathan

Gender-neutral reader insert

Obey me! Monster tales

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The practice is going rather well. It's probably a brag but I'm doing pretty well with my role.

Though there are a few aspects of being a ghost that still baffles me. Luckily I have an expert waiting at home for me.

"Levi, I'm home," I call into the seemingly empty house.

Nothing, no reaction whatsoever.

But since I established Leviathan to be a shut-in, it's not surprising.

He may have some other issues too. It's likely.

I decide to eat and head to the attic.

Levi is just sitting in the bathtub, playing a game.

"Good evening Levi!" I call out to him.

"Hm sure." He doesn't seem to be interested.

Well too bad for him, since I have to talk to him.

I move closer and cover his screen with my hand.

"What the….hey cut that out!" He finally looks at me. Levi seems to be honestly angry.

"Sorry, Levi but I have an idea that will help us both." I grin at him.

"Well, now I'm dead anyway so…" He is pouting, but puts his console to the side.

"I thought over how you could help me with acting and in exchange, I can get you some store exclusive stuff." I did a bit of research and exposed a weakness in his shut-in lifestyle.

Levi's eyes widen. "You'd do that for me? Wow, that would be so awesome. There is so much merch that I can only get for a high price thanks to resellers that raise the price sky-high!" Levi is genuinely excited.

"All I expect from you is to answer my questions to the best of your ability. I think that's very reasonable." I didn't expect this to be this easy but I won't complain either.

"I'll need to make a list for you. There is so much stuff I need." He practically beams.

"So we have an agreement?" I need to make sure he doesn't lose track of the important stuff.

"Sure, but no questions about my death." Sadly Levi is very careful about this point.

Too bad since that would've been my first question.

Not a big issue. I got what I wanted. "That's not an issue at all. Should we move somewhere else or are you more comfortable here?"

"I'm fine here. There is a beanbag over there. It's dusty but fine." Levi points to a corner.

I go over and notice some pretty old manga in a corner. "Oh wow, I haven't seen this one in ages." One of the series is a historic tale that I loved as a child. It's nostalgic seeing it.

"The Rosen wars? It's a classic. I'm surprised you know of it." Levi is impressed.

"Of course, the main character is an actor and this inspired me to go for it as well." I fondly touch the spine of one of the volumes.

"I can see that, they were just as single-minded as you are." Levi smiles ruefully.

"I call it passionate." I grin at him.

He just shakes his head. "Call it what you want but you can borrow it anyway if you promise to be careful with it."

I can only smile at his generous offer. "Thanks, Levi, I appreciate it. It will be so nice to reread this." I take the first volume from its place. The cover brings back memories.

When I look back up Levi blushes and looks away. I have no idea what this is about.

After this, I drag the bean bag closer to the bathtub and make myself comfortable.

"So let's begin. What I want to know is how it feels to be a ghost?" I look at him with curious eyes.

"Umm kinda normal? Just that it takes more effort to touch stuff. I mean I don't need to sleep or eat so that's nice but everyone is scared of me which is kinda annoying." Levi just shrugs unsure about what you expect him to say.

"So you need to focus to touch anything?" This is some great information.

"Yeah, at the start I couldn't do it at all. That was pretty annoying. I suppose ghosts get stronger with time and effort. It took me a lot of time to read the manga again." His expression tenses when he remembers that.

"That must've been painful. Is staying visible hard too?" I'm soaking up the information he gives me.

This is all so helpful.

"Not really, I'd rather be invisible, to be honest, but then I can't touch anything." Levi sighs, this sounds like a real issue for him.

"That's very interesting. The next question is probably a bit tough for you to answer but I need to know it. So how did you realize that you are a ghost?" I try to be tactful since we are having a good conversation right now.

"In my case, I saw my own body. It was pretty traumatizing. I felt so ashamed of it all. My funeral was so pathetic. Barely anyone showed up. Not even my brothers. Can you imagine?" His expression is filled with deep sadness.

"That sounds terrible. How couldn't they come to such an important event?" I'm honestly shocked?

"They were all busy I assume. It's not like I could ask them." Levi doesn't seem to want to talk about it.

It's probably best to move on.

"Alright, let's stop for now. You said you wanted to show me an anime so how about it?" I can't afford to scare him away and his insights are very helpful.

Besides, I worked hard and need a break.

Luckily, my words shift the atmosphere right away.

"You haven't been joking about watching it?! Let me grab the DVD set!" Levi is right away excited and floats over to his DVD rack.

It's quite interesting to see him floating.

"Of course not. I might play a villain or hero and what better for that than watching magical girls?"

I smile.

"Rurichan is not just a magical girl. She is the best there is. The story is also very touching. I mean Ruri is such an awesome character you can learn so much from here." Levi starts to go on a ramble.

"I get it, now move your ghost butt over here, and let's watch it," I demand in a playful manner.

Levi doesn't complain about this demand and soon we watch the anime.

If I'm being quite honest I don't get what the fuss is about but it's fun seeing Levi so invested. I even catch him singing the theme song. Though I pretend not to notice. Levi can only handle so much embarrassment after all.

#obey me!#obey me #omswd #obey me shall we date #obey me one master to rule them all #obey me fanfic #obey me fanfiction #obey me levi

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themomsandthecity · 2 months

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Postpartum Snapback Culture Is Toxic, So Modern Latina Moms Are Doing Away With It

Growing up, I didn't feel beautiful, and that was primarily due to how I felt about my body. I was a chubby kid, and my family didn't hesitate to make comments about it, with some calling me chunko-city. They insisted it was all out of cariño (love) and not meant to be harmful, but their words made me feel even more insecure about my body. I'm glad I can laugh about it now. But, when I gave birth to my first child at the age of 30, I still carried those body insecurities with me, and that little chubby girl came out of the shadows. When I entered college at 17, the baby fat was shedding and what was exposed underneath was an hourglass frame often associated with "the stereotypical sexy Latina." My small waist, big hips, and bubble butt started to attract attention from both men and women, and I liked it. Up until then, I was the little cute chubby one in my family. As I shed that image, I never wanted to return to it. But I did, and this time it was even more mentally taxing and so much harder to shed the physical weight I gained. After all, I had given birth to a baby and the transformation my body went through was something I was not prepared for at all. I was 30 years old and had just given birth to my first child at a birthing center - no drugs and all-natural. Although I was in labor for 27 hours, having my little girl was the most beautiful experience I had ever had at that point in my life. It was the first time I had an out-of-body experience, which set me on a journey deep into my spirituality. However, I wasn't prepared for what pregnancy did to my body. The emotional toll was deep. All the insecurities I had as a little chubby girl flooded my mind, and I slipped into depression. But with a beautiful newborn in my arms, I wasn't supposed to be feeling anything but joy and happiness, right? As I balanced being a first-time mother, who breastfed my baby girl for the first year of her life, I was also figuring out how to love myself in this new, wider, softer, and heavier frame. It didn't help that some people in my family still had comments, just as they did when I was that little chubby girl. During one family visit shortly after I had my daughter, my grandfather greeted me by laughing and saying, "You look like a Christmas tree." He was commenting on how my waist and upper body stayed slim, but my hips and butt had widened more than ever before. I won't ever forget how much his laugh hurt my feelings, and even though I snapped back with my little indirect dig about his big belly, it didn't make me feel any better. I was an entertainment reporter at the time, which included writing many stories about celebrity women bouncing back physically only weeks after giving birth. The stories I had to write about celebrity women walking the red carpet with snatched waists and nice butts two weeks after having a baby were so toxic for me, and I'm sure for other women reading the stories as well. That's why writing this personal essay is so important to me now. I want women to know they are not alone, and that the snapback culture portrayed in the media is not realistic. And it turns out I'm not the only Latina who's struggled with this. Stephanie Ferreira shares with POPSUGAR that she too experienced body image issues as a child, which affected her during and after pregnancy. While the weight gain during the pregnancy was challenging to deal with mentally, Ferreira says she did find the transformation of her belly beautiful. The real struggle came for her after the baby was born, and social media didn't help. "You have certain expectations because of the many women that post about their body postpartum and it looks like their bodies didn't change," she says. "I still looked pregnant. I was very swollen from my C-section. It was very difficult and I avoided the mirror the first few days to not fixate on it too much." In addition to self-imposed pressures, the stress of… https://www.popsugar.com/family/latinas-are-finding-postpartum-snapback-culture-toxic-49332739?utm_source=dlvr.it&utm_medium=tumblr

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clarks-letterman · 4 months

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Wally anon: Happy I could deliver with that & I knowww you're gonna put everything into it when you write it. 🫣 (Oh? @ who. of the Ghostfaces do you have a thing for 🤭 I see at the end of this paragraph you menton Mickey & I asolutelyyy agree) Oh Charlie Gillespie was hot as helllll in TK, so very much cosigned (not a spoiler at all, support the inclusion 👍). Pyramid Head is an automatic yes 😳, I can sometimes. see it with Michael (mostly with the new movies), but I can't say I feel the same with Hoffman. 🙈 Yupppp. 2 is actually my favorite opening cause it's just so. different from the rest of the franchise & immediately. gets to establishing how the universe had changed with the existence of Stab & how you just knowwww something bad is gonna happen cause there are Ghostfaces everywhere (something I feel 6 dropped the ball on with the subway scene) & it's even worse. than expected cause it's in front of everyone. 💀

Oh, I would probaly agree with that assessment @ big balls (have you seen that one notorious video with Griffin Barrows having cum shoot allllll over his face? that's what I'm picturing @ fire hose 🫣) (and thennnm you end up getting stuck in it & left in a precarious position where he can fully take advantage of your ass 😳)

Yesss. We have the exact same thoughts here. I know we've covered Wally pretty well for it to be easier for me to think about what he'd get up to (especially the spit 😮‍💨💦 ), but based on what you've said, Zed just feels like he'd make more sense in that position + doing those things.

Oh, I'm right there with you (hard to not. be as a long time Stucky truther lolll). I wish Fresh had really intensified things cause it had me hooked. with that lengthy pre-title sequence & even sustained some of that later on, but the stuff with the friend just felt derivative of Get Out to me & it left the ending being less satisfying. 😶‍🌫️ I would be fine with it if the show wasn't soooo inconsistent about ~good people who don't deserve it dying vs bad people who do deserve it living~ cause they fr can not decide which route to stick to. 😶 It's cause you can tell they were reallyyyy trying to keep the story going & when a sequel doesn't ferl like a natural expansion, it ends up either being bad or boring or straight up confusing 😕 (Oh, I've never played myself, just have watched a lot. of streamer/YTer content with the game & kept up for awhile through that, but yeah it's been a few months since I've caught up with things 💔) Yessss these ideas >>>> Such. an unexpected, but fulfilling route to take Ryan in & I'm so glad we both see the vision in it cause there's soooo much potential in this headcanon. 😭

(ohhhh him. @ face reveal guy. I only know of. him because of that dkfd. but jesussss @ that. trash for sure. ❌️) And the wildest thing is that you damn well know many of these people's favorite "characters" are just ones completely void of personality + anything interesting just. so they can project themselves onto them (even though so many of those. types of characters end up coming off like assholes more to me because you can feel the writers intended them to come off "likable" so when they do something "problematic" you can tell the writers accidentally let it slip through). Like, maybe y'all should just not engage with fiction. 🤷‍♂️ Same. Not worth the time or brain cells wasted to subject myself to it beyond what I've already been exposed to. (it's almost always. hypocritical, so they bring the issue on themselves. kinkshaming is free reign on those types of people. 🖕)

Cause his extra special icing he won't tell anyone the secret ingredient of yup. 🤫 And, if you mean in a cake eating. context, he'd just be imagining your. cake the entire time. 🤭 I would say to wait on it depending on your limits with movies. I personally love it + see exactly what she was going for, but the subject matter is much. heavier than Saltburn, so I can understand why it was pretty controversial for people. No, go ahead, speak your truth dhkdhd. 👅

Okay so in order of the movies (because I could never rank them, they’re all number one): Billy is always a yes, I’m adding Stu because they’re so gay together it’s a need to include both, Mickey as mentioned before, Roman (under-appreciated king), Charlie and Jill (bisexual tendencies yk), and Ethan. That’s it. (No richie because imo Jack Quaid doesn’t do it for me. Weirdly, I consider it his best role looks-wise. It was probably the personality too, too nerdy and all. And I love me some big dick nerds but he isn’t it, respectfully) Yeah I’m sad he wasn’t the killer but it wouldn’t make much sense, at least he was a long haired himbo with muscle🫣 Pyramid Head is always a yes and that’s so true. Michael is definitely iffy for me, if we’re talking old man Mikey then he’s off the table for discussions. But faceless and “nameless”, kinda cute masked Michael is always a yes. I getcha on Hoffman, he’s not my go-to dilf tbh, just one that I can appreciate for being there and participating🤭 YESSS OMG IT WAS SO STUPID FOR THEM NOT TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF IT. 2 sets it up and 6 reinforces that Ghostface has gone beyond Woodsboro, the little town it rocked in the 90s. They literally make a big deal out of it in 6’s opening that others are now donning the mask and committing heinous acts just because they feel like it… but then they never use it?? Not even the Stab version of Ghostface’s mask is seen being worn by anyone. (Although, I do like the numerous horror film references, but it’s a Scream movie. It’s not selfish to feature your own slasher the most.) And that’s why 2s works so much better than 6. They have the same message, even with the one guy being like “We have to finish the movie” (which I think is a reference to the audience booing at the one girl for ruining the movie by going up on stage and blocking the view/getting the blood on anything.) but even with similar messaging, 2 works better because it feels secluded to the college yet unpredictable (going back to Randy’s death sksjsj)

I think I know what you’re talking about! I saw one of a dude in his pickup truck, the interior being quite tall, yet he was hitting the roof of the car with the intensity of his cumshot. Absolutely crazy and it’s Wally’s type of thing fr. (ohhhmg i love the idea of it being sticky enough to get stuck in it🫣)

Oh I know he’s a spitter🤭 In all kinds of places, and your mouth is one of his favorites. Zed is super giving and always happy to help solve problems (ik that sounds basic as hell but i have not seen the movie in forever sksjsk) so it makes sense he’s on the bottom, giving you everything Wally gives in roughness with a sweet tenderness to compliment the other. Like sweet and sour.

Stucky was robbed in the MCU, Steve did not want Peggy’s british ass. No, he wanted to give that all american peach to Bucky (I couldn’t resist.) Yeah i sort of like it because obviously someone would notice that she’s missing, but it kinda falls flat when she gets trapped by him… like, really? You think this guy took your best friend and you just go to his family’s house without any backup? I know her brain was tired from those mental jumping jacks to make it make sense. The end where she’s about to give him a bj is engrained in my head because the shots of Sebastian all undone and on the bed🫣 Saw 4 is kind of okay, because there’s intrigue about a new person being inspired by John… but then it’s revealed it was Hoffmann and he was just… working with John the whole time. Wow. Creative!! Idgaf about the Hoffmann/Strahm conflict btw… and it gets worse when Jill comes in (though, she should have started up the traps instead, then recruited Hoffmann in 5/6) There really is. I don’t wanna be mean but Milo looks like he could be a hot streamer on Twitch or something😭 Gives big dick nerd energy in the best wayyyy

You get it. The lack of media literacy is crazy sometimes and I really can’t believe these people are fully fledged adults. It’s like driving… maybe everyone should be able to do it. I know it’s just watching tv but it causes real harm online sometimes😪

Oh totally, it makes the cake so moist and soft yet firm and bakes perfectly!! Such a good ingredient and he only uses a few loads cups per batch. But omfg milking him for it to make food he makes even better. Cook!Wally shining through here And okay!! (I say that as i’m about to watch it while eating lunch) Listen… if it was Milo/Wally/any of his roles in that bath… I would’ve drank it no matter the shade of the water. The grave is where I draw the line but the bath water is so me jkjk

#wally clark #wally clark x you

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notyourparentstherapist · 10 months

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Post Therapy Session Thoughts

I have been seeing my therapist for over three years now. This is the longest I have ever worked with anyone. It has been very challenging as there have been times where I just want to quit.

I have quit before. There comes a time in my therapy sessions where the therapist finally tries to get us to talk about past stuff. I never want to go there. I only want to talk about current stuff because that's where I live. I then get filled with panic and never return.

This one has been different. For once I tried a male therapist. I was nervous about it. Something with female therapists was not working and there is a deficit of non-binary and openly queer therapists.

I picked him because on his psychology today profile he mentioned he was more into longer term work and I found that to be different.

I really struggle with therapy as a consumer. I don't struggle as the provider. Being a provider has clear boundaries, rules, expectations, and I am a HUGE nerd for psychological theory and for conversing and helping people.

When I am the client I feel exposed, vulnerable, and often don't know how to act, what to say, or what to do in sessions. I loose track of what the boundaries, rules, and expectations are. I feel so confused.

We have talked about a lot of things over the years. He knows more about my past than anyone should. My partner has often expressed jealously that N gets to hear about all this stuff. Yet, its is so painful. It is such a huge ask for me to sit there three times a week and dredge stuff up and then struggle with being stable. It feels like such a slow agonizing process and I feel so bad for the therapist. I often say I don't like talking about it because if it was too much for me to handle then how do I know it won't be too much for him too.

He is very kind, gentle, and non-judgmental. His background is in traditional psychoanalytic therapy however he went to a school I am familiar with. His style is a lot more non-direct and more open ended. Which some of us HATE HATE HATE. However I logically, as a provider and therapist, understand why it is so important to finally have a space where I do control what's going on.

He does not tell me how to feel or think. He only reflects back what I have said. Which gets very annoying sometimes. I will ask for direct feedback. "Do I have this dx? Do I really have DID or some other dissociative thing? Do other people have to worry about incongruencies in presentation of mannerisms and behaviors?"

He will always say. "well, what are your thoughts on that?"

And then off I will go for a few minutes. It does make me mad sometimes that he isn't direct with me about the clinical issue however why am I even buying into it anyways. Diagnosis does not change the treatment anyways.

I feel like it is part of the trap I am setting. It is a part of my reptation compulsion. My reality was so controlled by someone else all the time. I was programed to feel and think in certain ways or not to think and feel. I was not in control of how other people saw me. So now I seek out relationships that do just that. I seek boundaries, rules, and expectations everywhere.

The therapist (I think) does not want to fall into that so I can learn to navigate my own identity away from the trauma. Finally step into providing boundaries, rules, and expectations for myself because I or We want them. Not because someone else imposed it.

That's my interpretation anyways because he SO GOOD at dodging direct questions. I have given him some flak for it. I often say the relationship is the most important healing part of therapy and not knowing anything about him other than the school he went to for graduate school and that he has a cat is very annoying. Again, professionally I GET WHY. However that does not mean some of us don't respond well to it. I have expressed how some of us feel that its really unfair that the expectation is for me to discuss all these issues and intimate details about my life and I get NOTHING from him. I think it is honestly triggering and a part of why sticking with him for longer term work is important.

I am used to being used I have told him. So the fact that this is not the case here is uncomfortable and important work. He is good at his job. Most of us like him which is a unique experience. I have thought about quitting before. Firring him or what ever. But I actually would feel really bad about it. He has invested a lot of time and effort to help keep us safe and to be available when I have needed it. Which is also new for me. I am used to solving my own shit and not discussing it.

Anyways, this is what was on my brain post therapy this morning. This is not what I actually discussed in therapy but usually that content does not sink in for a bit. Delayed processing is a thing mostly so I can now work as a therapist for the rest of the day. My stuff goes away while the therapist part fronts for the day.

#dissociative disorder #mental health #therapy #therapist with lived experience #dissociation #complex dissociative disorder #trauma #ptsd #childhood trauma #coping #therapist

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rabbithaver · 2 years

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i am going to fucking scream jesus christ.

i keep having nightmares about leftbook and i swear to god. im going to lose it. these are ridiculous, this is absurd, and the fact that it causes ME anxiety is a goddamn joke. i KNOW that i was an actively shitty person. i KNOW that subconsciously, i was actively trying to hurt people by not knowing shit. i KNOW that i was toxic to my friends and i treated others as disposable — my friends were terrified of messing up around me because they were afraid that i'd turn on them. i don't think i would have, but with the way i treated strangers in leftbook groups, it makes complete sense that they'd believe it

and the worst part was the harm i was doing just by BEING there. i was constantly straying way out of my lane. i used a lot of outdated terminology because i was so far behind everyone else on discourse. i took up space, time, and resources in a community that i had no business being in because being raised in a conservative family meant i was so wildly behind on social justice that i was literally just as shitty as the people on the right. sure i was (and still am) trying to unlearn all of the stuff i grew up with, but by participating in leftist groups before i'd caught up, i was just exposing more people to that kind of toxicity.

truth is, i didn't deserve to be there until i could learn to do better. but instead of stepping away and doing the research and self examination i should have been doing, i was selfish and interjected myself into a community i was hurting. i stole space and time from people who actively experienced oppression their whole lives should have had. they deserved to speak and be heard, not me — someone who basically hadnt experienced bigotry at all in comparison. i turned the few experiences i did have into weapons to try to be like "i experienced hate crimes so my take on this issue is more valid/important/relevant than your entire life."

there's so much more. i was SUCH a shitty person and i think i might still be. i was incredibly manipulative, i tried to take up space i didn't deserve, i centered myself constantly, i participated in dog-piling on others, i was constantly getting into fights, so much more. if someone was sharing their experiences, i would make it all about me by being like "i went through something similar, so i'm going to tell you all about it and what i did because you're clearly too dumb to know how to handle it yourself." i interpreted every single response in an argument in the worst faith possible in an effort to... i don't know... win, maybe? i STILL catch myself doing this — just goes to show that once an abuser, always an abuser ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

and i was always blaming my neurodivergence for being slow on learning about SJ issues. like yeah, okay, i have trouble with reading comprehension because of my ADHD and depression, but using that as an excuse is literally saying, "everyone with ADHD and depression is too dumb to read." i couldn't even apologize and self critique correctly. every fucking time i tried i got it wrong, even when i followed guides and suggestions. sometimes i even convinced myself that i felt remorse, but if that was the case, i wouldn't have found it so difficult to apologize. nothing says "i love hurting people and won't feel bad about it" like failing to apologize 🙃

i spent so much time in the Leftbook community that i will never be able to make up for the amount of trouble i caused. i took up so much space and resources and support from people who had been through worse for longer. i don't even know if the regret i have is real or if i've just managed to manipulate myself into thinking it is. i even had myself convinced that i wasn't trying to hurt anyone, but if that were true, i would never have done even 10% of the shit i did. i was absolutely positive for so long that i "didn't mean to," but nobody does that much harm unless they're TRYING on some level. the only thing that makes sense is that i was subconsciously out to hurt people and a person who does that is, without a doubt, a fucking monster.

and even if it were true, even if i "didn't mean it," intent means less than nothing. subconsciously or not, i was actively harming people. i know i traumatized at least a few with my behavior. those people have to live with that shit FOREVER. what i "meant" to do doesn't matter as long as they have to live with my actions. i had the same negative impact to those people as a far-right extremist would have had. functionally, my actions were identical to the actions of an alt-right monster, and by having THAT in common with that kind of person, i'm no different than they are

i hate this shit. who the fuck has nightmares about being called out publicly on the internet for shit THEY did? what kind of self-obsessed freak with a victim complex has nightmares about being righteously punished for hurting others? it's pathetic and it's proof that i haven't changed at all

#terin.odt #long post #i am so frustrated and filled with rage and self hatred over this #i feel so guilty over it but I dont even know if it's real guilt or if im centering myself i havent changed and i really am that shitty #as much as i bitch sbout Leftbook on here i deserved all of it and more #i participated in such a toxic community and made it worse by being there #i hurt SO many people and i did so much irreparable damage to people i considered friends #i wish i could go back in time and kill myself before i could do anything #it really would have been better if that suicide attempt at age 12 had actually worked out huh.#venting tw #idk how else to tag this im sorry

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jocatsidy · 2 years

Note

I am the anon from earlier. First of all: thank you for responding so soon and with so much detail. As for my response, I would like you to please publish it even if you don't answer.

I don't see how cricitizing people is outdated, especially in the age of cancel culture, I'm sorry. Even if it is, I still think it needs to be encouraged, though in a more comprehensive way rather than the aggressive and sometimes nuance-less way of cancel culture. Some will carry on doing wrong no matter what they're told, but to put it very bluntly: if I manage to put enough pressure on a group of people with a fetish I'm against (to the point of making them hide it), they will still do it in private, but at least I'm sure they won't parade it around for my kids to see (and possibly even get groomed into), does that make sense? Kink culture has been normalized over the past few years due to a mindset that is much too open-minded and not critical enough, and as a result, many have been exposed to things they shouldn't have (mainly underage people). I could go on about the issues of kink culture (such as the man who go away with murdering a woman with the excuse of "it was just BDSM gone wrong", or how apparently there's no real safe way to choke, etc.) but that would divert the conversation topic. To get back to fat fetishism: I personally have nothing against plus-size and I even find it attractive if it's not excessive, but I dislike the way you speak of it, especially bed-bound; it's a life of pain and hardship, it shouldn't be romanticized. Real-life bed bound people curse their lives to hell. I am against your fetish because it's deadly. I've suffered from a deadly illness not too long ago - I survived, but I am crushed by guilt to this day because I worried my loved ones sick (I know it's not my fault, but I can't help but feel bad for the sadness I indirectly caused). I'm not trying to earn pity points, but I am trying to say that I don't get how you can put yourself or another in danger when some of us lose their lives in the most unfair ways, especially if you actively worry your loved ones. I don't get how one can toy around with their health knowing they are cherished by family and friends. I don't care that adults consent; that's like saying "anorexics consent to self-starvation so it's fine" or "suicidal people choose to off themselves so it's fine". Wanting something doesn't make it good, and to allow anything as long as it's masked by enthusiasm is pure anarchy (the truly outdated mindset, in my opinion). I'd even go as far as to say a lot of individuals with extreme kinks should question themselves, as there is always a psychological background to our desires and it might be an indicator of trauma (not always, but more often than not). Even if they use kinks to cope, it shouldn't have to be the case for them to be at peace, it's not a substitute for therapy. As for who I am to judge right and wrong: there are indeed ethical conflicts which raise this question due to their abiguous morals, but I don't think there is that much doubt to have when it comes to extreme kinks. I just want to clarify that I am not anti-kink (in fact, I have some myself), but the way you talk about overweight people rubs me the wrong way due to it coming off as objectifying

"if I manage to put enough pressure on a group of people with a fetish I'm against (to the point of making them hide it), they will still do it in private, but at least I'm sure they won't parade it around for my kids to see (and possibly even get groomed into), does that make sense?" No, this makes no sense at all. This is the same reasoning toward homosexuality that mainstream America had in the 20th century and it's an awful way to live. Also, I state this as a relay from gainer community to public venue: We don't want to expose ourselves. Trust me, people in our community who bravely take interviews or show themselves in media get REAL backlash from the rest of the community who don't want their sexual life put on stage as a freak show for "normal people." But there is a lot about our community drama that needs work... "especially bed-bound; it's a life of pain and hardship, it shouldn't be romanticized. Real-life bed bound people curse their lives to hell. I am against your fetish because it's deadly." This point, I actually have to say that you are right. I also have to say that the gainer community knows this as well and has processed it to hell and back. There is no joy to be taken at people who didn't want life in a bariatric bed, who have food addictions and their bodies are failing. For myself even as an encourager, to have a partner of this size I know it would be toil, it would be hard, it would be not glamorous at all. So I'll relay another peak into the gainer world: Immobility to most of us is a fantasy and rarely any gainer who makes it there, ever stays there. Not because they're killing themselves but because their priorities change and they want to live differently. Gainers are in total autonomy of their bodies. They work so hard to be fat and be healthy at the same time and yes, it is quite possible. And I didn't want to throw this comparison into the mix (since fat and weight has been so toxically brainwashed as a health concern into the world) but are we not entitled to the right of being in the body we want to be in? Can the same be said about Trans rights? No matter how dangerous it seems, it's just apart of us. A gainer wants to be able to feel comfortable in their birth right skin and flesh. And that is something even the Fat Acceptance community has been fighting for way more publicly than us. We know when to stop, when to say yes and when to say no. It's not anarchy, it's self and community control to a level that most people don't even get. I'm glad that you have made it past a hard and frightening time with your illness, sincerely. We have lost our own hearts of the community over here, but we can say that we weren't ashamed to live life to our truest selves. That's all we're trying to do. To be healthy and happy as we can bearing a lust that most people will judge without listening to us. Everyone in the world lives with a chance of death, and sometimes it just happens to us without a reason (i.e. getting hit by a bus). Gainers and encouragers face these fears... but we go on living. Since these have been posted, I hope you read the voices of people that don't usually get a word in. Mostly because people come in trying to defend them, save them, protect them from imaginary predatory encouragers/chasers that will chew them up and spit them out. And hopefully, everything that I've written here proves that I am not that kind of person. That everything I've written shows how much I don't 'just' objectify the people I'm attracted to. I'm a guy that makes drawings... and I'm a guy that wants people to be healthy, happy and true to themselves in whatever way they can. I will post this to your wishes, but I won't be posting anymore from here on. There really isn't much else I can say in this back and forth, though I do appreciate the time spent analyzing despite how exhausting it is. I get a lot of people saying these things to me and I can't keep writing paragraph after paragraph to try and explain it. If I didn't convince you, then please kindly go back to the part of the

internet you want to be in. I wish for your happiness and health too.

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starryyyjoon · 3 years

Text

I, you | Kim Namjoon One Shot

word count: 8.2k

pairing: idol!namjoon x fem reader

summary: namjoon meets you again and he can't help but want you to look at him the same way he has all these years.

disclaimer: it's sort of written from y/n pov. kind of smut included, not too much but still. other then that, i don't think there's anything. it was written a long time ago so i don't clearly remember, sorry!

Namjoon walked in, followed by a few staff members and they occupied the empty chairs on the conference table and I smiled at him and the others. He looked great like always, he was in a navy blue hoodie and a khaki colored trouser, with his hair pushed backwards exposing his forehead.

There was something and nothing between me and him and it was too tiring to play pretend. "You look good", he remarked and I smiled at him. He's always being too kind, I looked like absolute shit, I hadn't slept in three days and my clothes were whatever was in my reach that I'd put on after showering and I rushed here.

I had met him before this level of success but I was merely an assistant director myself and we'd talked about Monet and his work together, he'd similar interests to mine but both of us didn't really get anywhere because of our timing and I believed it was for the good. He'd always expressed how he liked my vision and wants to work with me on something and I didn't believe my vision because what even was my vision that he could see and not me and after being this big I didn't really thought he'll even remember me until he hit my phone one day and here I was, at the label's office to discuss the details of his mixtape's music video.

"So, do you've something in mind?", I asked him and he pressed his back on the chair letting out a yawn, he seemed tired.

"Not really! I want it simplistic and not too hard to understand. I haven't thought about it or anything so I don't know, I would await what you propose", he softly said.

"I haven't heard the track because of--", he intervened, "--ah you haven't? You should hear it first", he said and I nodded.

"I would need to hear it", I told him, thinking about the lengthy talks with the illustrator already.

The staff then pin pointed about the budget, the do nots and other details and two of my team members who were seated beside me talked thoroughly in detail about the technicalities. Namjoon looked bored with all the talk that didn't interest him. He wasn't much different from before slightly bigger.

All of us stood up coming to an agreement when Namjoon asked me to walk up to his studio to hear the track and I asked my team members to go ahead first. I walked through the dark corridor behind him while he talked to someone on the phone, all the way to his studio. I didn't really hear what he was talking because I was invested in staring around the place like I hadn't seen a building before.

The walls were all dark and a comforting shade since I didn't like the sun anyway. It seemed like a night mode in real life.

His studio was the corner most, he typed the passcode in and stood aside gesturing for me to walk in, followed by him. He hung up the phone call and put his phone aside, switching the AC on. He sat behind the monitor while he switched it on and I went through my inbox.

"So, how have you been?", his deep tone, made me look up and I fidgeted to put my eyes on something other then him while he turned his chair around to face me.

"I have been okay-ish, like the projects I'm doing I'm satisfied with them so I guess it's kinda okay", I said and regretted it immediately, I don't even talk like this and he knows it.

"Not the work c'mon, you, your boyfriend, family, other things?", a lose smile hung on his lips and I looked at him. How can someone look like that?

"No boyfriend because you know no one can put up with this profession. I haven't slept in three days so I'm fucking annoyed and the work is too much that I don't have time for other things", I shrugged and he chuckled. I didn't want to think about guys, I barely had time for myself. Filmmaking was a time bound profession.

"I relate, trust me I do", he turned his chair back around, his eyes on the computer screen and I looked at him. I could see why he could relate, I mean of course he didn't had time either. I knew idol schedules enough to know how these things go. "Why didn't you come that day?", he asked me and my insides twisted.

"I was hoping you don't bring it up", I said in a small voice.

"Why not? I waited for you", he said without looking at me and I threw my head back on the couch thinking of the time when he'd asked me out officially and I didn't make it. "At least I deserve to know what was more important that you didn't make it", he looked at me and I closed my eyes shut.

"I had a flight, I got an exclusive food show travel experience with discovery and it was too good for an opportunity to miss", I let it out and took a breath in. I knew I could never leave work for a guy, any guy, or anyone as a matter of fact and as much as I'd thought about it on the plane...it all seemed for the better. He wasn't the kind of guy I could've had my regular thing with and I was too young to be serious.

"It was a good show", he told me. I could feel his eyes on me and I didn't flinch. I didn't regret it but his words made me feel guilty. My head was on the headrest of the sofa I sat on and my eyes were closed. My subconscious could feel his curious gaze on me.

"Look away Namjoon", I said and I could feel his gaze was still on me.

"Why didn't you call me when you got back?", he asked me and I looked at him.

"I didn't because our cultures differ, everything is poles apart--what's the point of discussing it now?", I asked him, slightly annoyed. He and I separately needed to focus on our careers and he knew it too damn well.

"Okay", he turned around again as his monitor showed a circle indicating that the programme he'd launched was loading. "It does makes me feel better that my better position in life doesn't changes your opinion on me. Quiet comforting", he said, with a hint of sarcasm in his voice but I chose to ignore it. The last thing I'd be doing is fueling this feeling in him by discussing this useless thing which wouldn't make any difference whatsoever.

"Is this the reason you wanted me to do this project with you?", I asked him and he swiftly turned his chair around.

"No, I don't take all this for granted. I love the stuff you do. I'm pretty updated thanks to how active you're on your social media", he smiled and I couldn't shook the thought of seeing my psychotic episodes on my Instagram, Twitter...everywhere. I'm pretty weird out there.

"I love it, the stories", he flased his dimple smile before turning his chair around again and I felt his warmth, like he meant what he said.

For a second I was taken aback with how tall he was from me and how good he looked, he'd always looked good but he was more mature now and much more reserved. "I'll be calling you often because I won't send it for pre-production without your say on the concept", I told him.

"I'll look forward to a lot of calls", he said. "I'm sorry this is taking a while", he added quickly and for some reason I couldn't look away from him, whose back was visible to me.

"No, take your time", I said, crossing my arms against my chest. I really wished he was a regular guy just making music but then I didn't. I wouldn't want someone to wish that for me. He'd earned all of it and I knew it.

"Look away ___", he said slowly. I could feel his grin through his words and I looked away shaking my head right and left softly. "It's, yeah it's playing", he turned around as the music filled in the empty atmosphere.

It was a slow song with a really fast rap. It was how Namjoon was, he contradicted himself too much. I instantly knew it was his writing from the way the words went and the wordplay came into role. I couldn't help but analyze the song because I was supposed to shoot and sketch a music video for it and at times like this I didn't really get to enjoy the art for the art and I hated it.

"How was it?", he asked me, his eyes fixated on me as the music faded. I wanted it to last.

"The only problem with it is that it ends", I flashed a smlie at him and he shook his head throwing it back.

"That's too corny even for you", Namjoon rolled his eyes but I was being serious. "You know I appreciate heavy critics", he said.

"I didn't find anything to criticize, the writing is great, the composition fits and it has a catchy vibe to it. I think I would listen a song like that on a drive or something? In your case a bicycle but yeah! It's a good song", I summarized my opinion. "Do you like want a trendy video?", I asked him.

"Anything that you want to do with it", he said and I gently nodded. Since it was given to me, I couldn't stop thinking about what to do with it.

"Can you stop thinking about it while you're with me ___?", he chuckled and I looked at him taken aback for a second and then nodded with a soft smile pasted on my lips.

"Your fashion sense has improved", I remarked.

"You look casual", he teased me.

"I, I've no fashion sense. I just wear whatever is there", I told him.

"I don't think so, your Instagram says different", he said.

"It's for the show Namjoon", I said.

"You're really not the type to do that, please don't deceive me", he beamed before he turned his chair around again to minimize the current tabs on the computer.

"You're the last person I'd be deceiving--", my words were cut from an incoming call from one of the producers of one of the shows I was working on. "I need to take this", I told him and answered the call while he just gave me a gentle nod in response.

The producer had informed me about the issues related to casting and the final draft of the script and I knew I had to go.

"Guess I'll see you later, bye", Namjoon said warmly as he smiled at me. The thing was he just knew and that always stuck somewhere.

"Bye", I left.

________________

"I, for one, disagree. C'mon how do you even call it an end?", I threw my hands in the air as we discussed it for the millionth time. I liked Su-ho but his thoughts on GOT made me want to kill him. He is the only person I knew who was satisfied with how it ended.

"I think it was okay, c'mon, you have to consider that the novels didn't end and as compared to that I think it was pretty good", Su-ho claimed while he sat on the bean bag in front of me, pushing it comfortably.

"Don't even start with the novels--", my words were interrupted with the sound of the doorbell, "--they didn't even do a good job interpreting it and I am offended by that. Look there novels", I pointed at my bookshelf, showing him my GOT collection which he knew as I opened the door and my head bumped against Namjoon's chest as he took a step in.

He chuckled as he held the back of my head with one hand and pressed my forehead with the other and rubbed it gently to ease the pain.

"What's uh, what's that? Is it iron", I mocked, pointing at his chest while he let me go from his grip and took his shoes off.

"It can be", he said. "But why were you jumping around so enthusiastically?", he asked me as he seated on the couch in front of Su-ho, as he greeted him and Su-ho greeted him back.

"Game of Thrones heavy discussions", I sighed. "This is Su-ho who's illustrating the storyboard", I told Namjoon.

Su-ho was starstruck and it seemed like it'd take him a good minute to recover and Namjoon was obviously used to it. I didn't call him at the office because a lot of people would want to see him then and it could be exhausting plus he'd a time limit on his hands.

"You know him, ___?", Su-ho widened his eyes at me and I nodded, suppressing my laughter seeing his chaotic ass behave like this.

"A little", I said and I could feel Namjoon's gaze on me. "Maybe a lot", I rephrased. I could see by the way Su-ho looked at me that he needed answers. "Coffee?", I asked Namjoon.

"Oh yeah", he replied and I stood up. "I've thought of two concepts, Su-ho please brief him on it and if you want anything differently Namjoon, you can tell him", I told him as I marched towards the kitchen.

Should I use the regular coffee mugs or should I use the better ones? I mean it doesn't matter anyway but still, it kind of does? I don't know. It just comes to me, the over thinking.

Ah.

I could hear him and Su-ho talking about the concepts faintly and I was low-key proud because I did work hard on them. I opened the cabinet to take out the better coffee mugs.

This is what happens when you stop drinking milk and stop growing up. I rested my hands on the kitchen pavement thinking about how many shoes with heels I'd because of my height.

I wasn't very short but I wasn't my desired height too. It was sad. I was the right person to sell the tonics concerning height because my insecurity would make me buy it. I exhaled heavily and turned around to find Namjoon behind me.

"Let me", my hips pressed against the marble pavement while his body gently pressed against my front, I could spot the mole on his neck while he calmly took the box of mugs out. "Okay?", he whispered softly and I looked on without responding.

"Thanks", I told him, hoping he'd get away from me because this had me feeling some type of way. I won't admit what type of way. That makes it worse.

"Anytime", he clicked his lips, taking a few steps back as I stirred the coffee and poured it in three cups. Should've used regular ones.

"I like the quotes on that wall", he said as I handed him his cup, taking the other two. A wall of my house was covered in post-it notes and other stuff. Some print outs of Van Gogh and Frida's works alongside other things.

"Yeah that? Thanks", I said, as I gave the cup to Su-ho. "Did you decide on something?", I asked, as I sat down and Namjoon just beside me.

"Yeah, the first one. It was kind of okay, he made some alterations so I would send it to you by...maximum tomorrow", Su-ho told me. "But why did you call him here for just this?", he asked me.

"You seem so concerned about his whereabouts", I glared Su-ho . "I told him I could just email him but he insisted on doing it in person", I looked at Namjoon who took a long sip from his coffee.

"Yeah I did, don't worry I was absolutely free", Namjoon smiled at Su-ho and I could see Su-ho fanboy-ing.

"You're so in line today", I pressed my words.

"Shut up", Su-ho eyed me. I wrapped my hands around the coffee mug feeling its warmth.

After I talked to Namjoon for a while about the shoot and he explained to me about their company procedure and how they usually did things. I didn't like doing music videos or commercials, there's a lot of time you're bound by what the music video demands and you've to stick with that so that was that. I usually preferred either cinema like movies or dramas, I hadn't done much but I had done a few and travel shows were my preference.

"I'll see you next time then", Su-ho politely remarked looking at Namjoon and he smiled and gently bowed his head. I walked with him up-to the door. "I didn't, what the hell, you could've given me a heads up?", Su-ho whispered slowly to me as I leaned against the door.

"I didn't knew you were a fan", I said and he playfully hit me on my arm.

"I still can't believe it, you've to answer my hot questions next time", he said and I nodded.

"Okay okay", I closed the door shut behind me, taking a seat on the far side of the sofa me and Namjoon were seated on. He was scanning my bookshelf and I was looking at him.

"Literally 70% of it is fiction", he said. I read a lot of fiction and he read a lot of nonfiction.

"You should read fiction", I said and he looked at me slightly pissed.

"I do read fiction just not thar much", he pointed at my bookshelf. "If you've to recommend one, shoot", he said.

"Recommend, uh, the secrets of happiness", I said randomly and his face sunk in annoyance. "It's not a book talking about literal secrets of happiness, it has a story", I told him.

"Ah okay...I will try reading that. Let me take your copy", he said.

"No", I said back in a split second.

"I won't lose it, c'mon, ___", he said. I couldn't believe his testimony on not losing it.

"Fine, but it's annotated. You'll owe me big time if you lose it", I said and he nodded vigorously.

"Your place is great", he said looking around the house and I couldn't see why, I mean yeah maybe but not that I find it great if I think from his point of view.

"I'm barely here anyway. I pay rent for no reason", I kept the empty mug in my hand on the glass table in front of us.

"That was your friend though, Su-ho?", Namjoon asked as he kept his cup, followed by me.

"Oh yeah! I met him for work but then it's been a while since I know him, it's been years actually and he's a friend now", I said thinking about Su-ho. I don't know why I bothered explaining. It's been a good five years since Namjoon and I hadn't been in touch and there was a little catching up to do.

"You've always had a lot of friends, don't you", he sighed as he sat cross legged on the sofa facing me. I do have plenty friends honestly.

"Kind of", I shrugged. His gaze on me made me sit back in a more cautious way as I fixed my posture. "Namjoon...", I called out his name when the doorbell rung and I was irritated. "Give me a second", I stood up and walked up-to the main door.

It was my neighbor who's mother had left their house keys with me and he was here to take it back. He thanked me for keeping it and walked up to his own flat which was in front of mine.

I closed the door shut and Namjoon was standing by the balcony seeing a cactus I had grown since I couldn't grow any other plant because I was never home to take care of them in case.

"It's cute", he said as he picked the potted plant and stared at it for a little while and I stood behind him and watched him see it.

"You know your pupils dilate when you see plants", I said and he smiled to himself. He kept the cactus back in its resting place and stared at me. "What?", I asked him.

"You were going to say something", he said, his voice sounded deeper then usual for a second and I licked my bottom lip in haste.

"Oh that, you know the alterations you made? I will directly mail it to the staff and maybe cc you because it won't need a second check anyway. I've to get this done a little early since I've--", he turned towards me and I took a step back but there was barely any space and my back was pressed against the wall, "--what is it?", I asked but it came out as a whisper.

"Here", he dragged his index finger across my bottom lip and there was something on my lip. I didn't really see what was on there because of his presence so close to me. My heartbeat had fastened and I could feel it. Something I didn't want to feel.

"Thanks, I guess", I said slowly and he flashed his dimple smile at me and in that moment he seemed the opposite of the dominant he was a few seconds ago.

"Do you know you look really good?", he said, as his fingers ran across my ear touching the piercings one by one. I regretted having three all of a sudden. "And I didn't intended to do this but ___ I uh", he bent over a little, his lips a few inches away from my ear and his breath was falling on my neck.

"Namjoon", I said, trying to not look at him. I knew damn well I couldn't be able to control myself.

"Hmm", his voice was so small and I could feel goosebumps all over my neck. His gaze on me was strong and I had jitters in my stomach.

"I, uh--let's not okay", I put my hands on his shoulder as he pulled me more closer with a jolt and I gasped.

"Do you really not want to?", he asked me. It was a while since I was in this close proximity of someone like this but my subconscious kept telling me not to. "I don't understand what you find so undesirable about me", he took a few steps back and looked away.

What?

"Do you think I find you undesirable?", I asked him, pressing my lips suppressing my smile. I couldn't get how could he change roles in a span of few seconds.

"Yeah, it's pretty evident really", he sighed, looking at the the far side of the sky at the horizon and I saw him sulking.

"It's not that, are you fucking dumb? It's just you know you shouldn't start things you can't take care of", I said. For some reason I've always felt a little hesitant with him. "But you're desirable enough", I added.

"Sudden validation from you, ah", he clicked his lips in mockery and I felt bad. The last thing I wanted was to look like I was playing hard to get. I didn't feel competent enough in my heart. "Let me kiss you", he said, taking a few steps closer breaking the chain of my thoughts and I hated being so much in control and feeling a little out of place.

I was back to where I was a few seconds ago, me cornered and he put his lips on mine and my body automatically responded. He took over me in a second. My hands rested on his back and clutched the fabric. His hands travelled below my hips as he pulled me upwards and my legs wrapped around his waist. He didn't stop kissing me for one second and I didn't want him to, as he pressed his mouth harder on mine and I bit back a moan. I could feel the heat in my body and every vein seemed to electrify. He walked me up-to my bedroom like he knew which suddenly felt foreign to me as he laid me on the bed, breaking the kiss and I was breathless, panting for air.

I didn't had any resort in me to stop. I didn't want him to stop. I couldn't care more about whatever that had me concerned for a while. He watched me look at him and his lips curved in a smirk. "Should I stop?", he teased me taking a seat on the edge of the bed and I looked away from him to the right side, scoffing.

I pushed myself up, my hands at the hem of the lose white t-shirt I'd on and for a second I hesitated at the fact that he must've seen better flesh than mine but I pulled it upwards exposing myself in front of him as his eyes went everywhere. "Do you want to stop?", I asked him, as I crawled over to him. He didn't object as I sat on his lap and took his face in my hands. I looked in his eyes. He looked beautiful. I traced the outline of his skull, his jaw as I pushed his hair locks that were on his forehead behind. "Do you want to stop Namjoon?", I asked him again as he held me tight, giving me my answer.

He tugged at my neck with his mouth leaving a trail of gentle kisses down and I could feel my nipples startlingly prominent beneath the black lightweight bra I had on. I clutched his hair as he bit my neck suddenly and I gasped.

He pushed me on to him, nearer but there was barely any space for me to come close and I could feel him all over. He messily kissed me before groping my bottom and I-I cut a breath in. He would take turns and be gentler a second and rough the another. "Namjoon", I called out gasping which fueled him even more. He looked at me and smiled proudly at how he had me without doing much.

He flicked the straps of my bra shoving it down exposing my breasts and I could feel my nipples harden to the point it was painful. I wanted him. I wanted him to touch me, more. The way my body responded to his touch was almost funny, how quick, how wet.

I patiently unbuttoned his shirt and stripped it off of him while he looked at me with a gaze I couldn't quite make anything of, he just looked at me while he let me work on him. My hands touched his chest and my eyes examined his torso, his skin was warm and his gaze on me gave me confidence like he wanted me back as much I wanted him.

I was forgetting my own desperation for his touch as my hand traveled behind his back, trailing down to his spine and he looked at me as he cut a sharp breath in and I felt good seeing him giving in to me. His arms surrounded mine unclasping my bra in a second and he threw it off on the floor.

I half expected him to grab me and grope my breast but he swept me in his arms as his vaguely pink mouth pressed against mine and instead of hastily grabbing me, his mouth simply rested against mine and it was worse, much more intoxicating. I, on instinct coiled my arms against his neck.

As my tongue demanded entrance and he smiled before letting me, and in a second, roles were reversed, the romantic was gone. He took control and pressed his mouth harder on me with his thumb and finger pressing my nipple and my nails dug deeper in his neck. "Joon...", I on instinct called out, as I gasped for breath but he didn't let me.

He was hard against me and I grinded next to him which seemed to please him while he left my mouth, burning with a wanting for more while my sex clenched as he took control of my body putting his arms around my back and they were free to go anywhere. I wouldn't dare stop him.

A second later, he laid me on the bed and hovered over me before taking my shorts off in a whirl and pushed my underwear off me that it didn't seem reusable. I anticipated his actions but he pushed a thumb into my bottom without no warning and I clutched the sheets, a yell escaping my mouth. My fingers curled meanwhile his other arm grabbed my breast cupping it and a second later his forefinger and middle finger slipped inside of me and my grip on the sheets tightened.

"Shh", he hissed in my ear and I hadn't realized a moan had escaped my mouth. My whole body rocked in less then a minute and I couldn't control my voice, I gasped for breath and I moaned even louder then before. "I didn't take you for a screamer ___", Namjoon seemed amused while embarrassment washed over me as I laid exposed in front of him.

"Let me go down on you", I told him and he looked taken aback as I pushed myself up.

"Do you really want to?", he asked and I shifted closer to him, placing a gentle kiss on his lips.

"I would love to", I told him. "Do you want me to?", I asked him.

"Yeah, I mean yeah", he said when his phone rang echoing in the room and his face flushed into irritation as he looked at me and I nodded gesturing him to take it. He took it out of his pocket and answered it. With every word he spoke, his irritation grew. He hung up the phone call. "Where's the wardrobe?", he asked me and my eyes pointed behind him.

Namjoon opened my wardrobe and took out a very lose t-shirt of his choice from my stack of comfortable clothes. He held my arms and slipped the t-shirt on me, pulling me close. He stroked my face and he smiled in my face which forced me to smile as well.

"Am I suppose to expect something from you or should I forget this?", I asked him as his fingers tucked the few strands of my hair behind my ear.

"You're supposed to expect everything, don't dare forget it", he whispered in my ear, nibbling on it and I couldn't help but giggle. "I want to talk to you but I've to go now and I hate it", he smiled at me.

"Okay, go", I told him and he chuckled before letting me off him and he wore his shirt back on.

After seeing him off and taking a shower, I laid back on the couch in the living room thinking about everything that had happened. I didn't regret it, I wasn't thinking much about it anyway.

The guys I'd sex with or made out with, I disliked them because of their narcissism. I appreciated my ability to find guys that were a-grade assholes. I've always had this feeling that I am lacking in some sense with other people. I look normal, like I should but I get this insecurity when taking my clothes off.

I didn't knew what Namjoon thought about it and asking him would be weird. No one who knows me like him would think I am this insecure or anxious about this stuff but then a major part of it has to do with my aura, I guess?

________________

I took a bite of the sandwich that I held in my hand as I walked around the second set just nearby to the first one. I stood afar, taking a good look, even though the storyboard fits the sights I still need to frame out a rough sketch work in my head.

I took another bite staring at the beach and the path to it and then back to the set that we'd build up by man power. It was pretty accurate in my eyes but I wanted to hear from my assistant director.

I took the walkie talkie out from the pocket of my denim and pressed the centre button, "Jae-chan, where are you?"

In a second he reverted, "Ah sunbae I am near the gripper".

"Come to the road that leads to the beach", I said, before shoving the walkie talkie down in my pocket.

The sea met the sky at the far point of the horizon and how the world is full of these illusions which are not real we know but we still believe. After all there's beauty in things that you don't get. Vastness maybe?

Sea and sky — the two melancholic blues.

"Sunbae?", Jae Chan broke the chain of my thoughts and I glanced at him before looking at the sea. His breath was heavy, I could tell he ran here.

"You could have walked, Chan-ah", I said, smiling. He was really young and passionate about filmmaking but also a little silly. He's cute.

"Ah it's okay. Did you need something?", he asked politely and I shook my head. I liked the input of many people on the same thing, it showed the number of opinions that could centre around one thing that you make in a different context which is then perceived in another.

"Do you think this is accurate in terms of the story board?", I asked him and he seemed lost in thought.

"I would say slightly better because the storyboard is still animation and this is real so I would say better. I'm pretty sure it'll be good sunbae", he told me and I could feel a smile flush on my lips. "You are nervous, aren't you?", he asked me.

"Yeah", I wrinkled my nose, turning around to walk off. I patted Jae Chan's back and he started walking with me.

"You don't have to be, and oh, he's here", he said assuring me and I knew who he meant by he.

My mind automatically went to the day in my apartment. Namjoon had messaged me after but he got busier with his work and I am not a text-er plus I'd a lot of things to do before I left Korea. It was, I didn't knew anything and I didn't want to think about it. I hoped he'd pretend nothing happened, please. But I knew he won't.

I sighed and as I entered the main set, around the vanity and food truck, the manager and Namjoon's staff members greeted me. After that, I mean impractically I wanted earth to open and swallow me. Living is hard anyway.

I'd a flight on the weekend, I'd to pack and I'd to get new boots but I'm just dumb because I'm trying to think of other things. I need a new nail paint, do I? I looked at my nails which were painted black. Maybe grey?

"Sunbae?", Jae Chan shook me and I looked at him. He gestured me to look up front and Namjoon was right there looking like Namjoon.

"Hi", I awkwardly waved at him.

"Hi", he flashed his dimple smile at me. His dimple smile hits me.

"You can get the makeup and hair done, I've a few things to recheck", I excused myself. This is awkward. This is so awkward. I hate it.

Even though I had that awkwardness lingering around but we were nearing to the end of the shoot which went really good because everyone worked so hard. It was mostly one-takes and the lighting supported the whole setting making it so easier for us to finish.

Moreover, it was a while since I had done a music video so it felt good being back on a set like this. Namjoon looked really good with the styling and although I knew the outfits pre-shoot, he still looked better then I'd imagined him to look which enhanced the whole vibe of the music video. He owned earthly tones.

That's why casting and styling is so important. Very much. Makes a gigantic difference.

"What's wrong with you?", I didn't notice he was standing next to me with a small fan in his hands while we prepped for the last shot.

"What's wrong with me?", I asked him, as I adjusted the frame in the main camera. I didn't want this conversation especially right now, especially here.

"I mean...you knowww?", I could feel his stare while I shifted the camera, something is wrong with this.

"I don't know", I said, without looking at him. I was unintentionally making him mad and nothing else.

"I was really scared that you'd say this and see, I mean, why can't you behave normal when I mention anything about us?", he hissed near me and I looked around. Luckily there was no one in our proximity to hear this conversation.

"I-I, Namjoon", I exclaimed, vaguely pointing at the setting hoping we could do this later and I could explain that I would love us but he needs to understand that I won't even be in Korea as much as he thinks I would be and that's why it won't work out.

"I don't care", he eyed me.

"I do. I care, okay? There's no us to begin with and I know I was stupid enough to ask you what I should expect out of, what would you call it, we made out. That's that", I tried being really slow and I could feel annoyance in his sight.

"Made out! Okay, okay fine. I can't believe I deal with you. You're the one who doesn't text or call or even respond to it and that's bare minimum ___", he pondered and I internally rolled my eyes.

I was leaving on the weekend. I was always leaving. That's it. "I don't have to and I have a life Namjoon. I've been working non stop all this time. I don't expect you to understand", I said, standing up from my seat while I called for the head DOP from the walkie talkie.

"You don't want to be understood ___", Namjoon said, grabbing me from my arm and stopping me. He wasn't wrong. A few eyes snapped and I forced a smile immediately. "I like you, I like you a lot. Deal with it", he walked past me.

Deal with it.

As if.

Very abruptly, the last shot rolled in and it was over. The music video was done in a day. It was originally a two day sketch but we had to narrow it down to one day because of Namjoon's schedule and it was worrisome because it did seem impossible but things went smoothly and it was successfully over.

I told Jae Chan to wrap the filming site, though most of it was done while I was present. I picked my bag from a table to leave, kept right ahead from the vanity. Namjoon had left, I guess. I wasn't sure because after the last shot he was angry. He had his jaw clenched all that time, he barely managed to keep it out on the music video.

He was like this, his anger was pretty evident and that hadn't changed.

I like you. I like you a lot.

I couldn't wrap my head around that thought. Did he like me all this time? It sounded pretty crazy to me. I had never thought about anything with Namjoon. He was a friend I could like but I didn't, I had never expected anything out of my acquaintance with him anyway.

"You ate?", his deep voice made me look at him who stood at the steps of the vanity. He hadn't left yet.

"No", I said. He had changed into his normal clothes, the makeup was gone but he still looked great. His natural complexion was shining as the set lights fell onto his face. It made me surer how Namjoon needed someone who could be there rather then somebody who's never there.

"Come eat something", he said calmly. He looked much composed then before.

"I am not hungry", I stated just when he darted towards me. He held me by my forearm, dragging me into the vanity which was empty except for us. A few dishes were laid out on the table in front of the small couch.

"Eat and leave", he said, taking a seat on one of the chairs in front of the mirrors fidgeting with his phone while I quietly sat on the couch. I just wanted it to be over but I'd no appetite so I kept staring at the couple of Italian dishes which were pasta, carbonara I guess, rissoto and also jjangmyeong. "Just eat anything ___", he said, without bothering to look at me.

"I don't really have an appetite", I said, throwing my head back and looking at the ceiling of the vanity.

"What you've is a habit of skipping meals", he eyed me.

I looked at him. "Do you remember everything? Like literally everything?", I asked him as curiosity brimmed in my eyes.

"You don't?", he asked me back. "Well, for me, yeah I do. I did remember every thing but I should probably forget now. I didn't really asked to work with you because I wanted something but I can't say I didn't hope", he locked his phone and kept it on the space in front him. "I mean, we did had something. We did have something a few days ago. You can't exactly call me a friend and I've never seen you as one. The moment you walked in trying to fix the mess on the set since then till now I can't say I didn't hope you'd look at me the same way", he said, bringing all the memories back alive, but it was true, I never looked at him the way he'd wanted me to, hell, I couldn't believe it one bit. "It's true", he said, as if he just read my mind.

It was, it didn't made sense to me. How could he? Why would he? I uh, I think shit's wrong with me because even now I can't seem to focus on someone who confessed their feelings and that someone being Namjoon from all people.

I remember when I was one of the assistant directors under the director for one of the most low-key and low budget project. They didn't had many resources and our firm wasn't doing well either. We always had to come up with hacks, unknown locations for shooting...it was always so hard. We didn't had any respect in the industry.

It was two companies in one boat at the end of bankruptcy and we were so young and such good friends. I knew the rest of the members too but I kind of had a certain vibe with Namjoon. He could get me without having to speak.

I locked at him, his face was fixated on me and I could like him, in fact I did love him not romantically, I just did. I had a lot of love for him. He was caring for the people around him and I loved talking to him. He never once made anyone feel like he was a celebrity back then and a global celebrity now well yeah. He did deserve someone who could be here for him.

He stood up and walked towards me and my eyes followed him. He took a seat next to me and I could see he picked a bowl up but I didn't see which one because I couldn't stop looking at him. Namjoon took a significant amount and extended it to me and I looked at the noodles for a second and then at him. He just nodded and I ate it.

It was good.

"Thanks", I said, wiping the corners of my mouth with my fingers.

"Do you want me to feed you all the way or can you eat your own?", he asked me.

"I will eat", I told him and he gave me the bowl so I could eat on my own. "You ate?", I asked him and he instantly nodded.

"You're going somewhere, aren't you?", he asked me and I felt as if I've just been struck with something.

"Hmm", I said, my mouth almost filled. "And, I...I want to tell you something like adults and clear it. Namjoon you know my work and I am always not here, never. It's useless. Trust me on this, it's not like that but you know you'll need someone beside you and I can't be the one", I told him, calmly, before gulping water down.

"I know that but I'm okay with it. In fact, we would go hand in hand better because I can't take you out on exotic dates as well. This is what you get", he vaguely gestured at the vanity and I chuckled and he warmly smiled at me.

After a second, I spoke much seriously then before, "It will be hard and you know that. It'll be frustrating. You could hate me".

"If you've tired it with someone before, I am not exactly happy knowing this, but you shouldn't compare me with some random dude with a peculiar taste in leather clothing", he rolled his eyes, shifting his back comfortably.

"Hey! Don't be mean just because you see stuff on my Instagram", I scoffed and he maintained his long face.

"No really, what do you take me for? You think you won't have time for me? I won't have time for you", he went on.

"Namjoon", I dragged his name. His tendency to be sarcastic at odd moments is unmatched.

"Don't call my name like that", he stared at my eyes.

"Like what?", I asked him.

"Like you can love me", he said.

"I...you don't have to be like this", I said, keeping the empty bowl on the table.

"Give me a chance then, try it out. I would wait for you I promise", Namjoon took my hand in his and covered it with his warmth.

"Will I be able to...wait?", I looked away from him, thinking about it so hard.

"___ don't think too much. I promise, we'll be fine", he said, his hands travelling to my waist and before he could grab it. I screeched closer to him. I cupped his face and attached my lips to his, while his hands held on my body.

________________

My relationship with Namjoon was better then I imagined it. I tried my best to be there for him and he was surprisingly almost there for me but it wasn't exactly easy.

It was months and months of hardships and Namjoon was more needy then I thought him to be, he needed a lot of assurance. I don't understand the notion that he holds of everyone wanting me so he needs to be extra careful. I still don't get that his insecure ass doesn't trusts his own members, he won't let me meet them at all.

He was really different. He shifted from dominant to romantic in one second. I loved that. I kind of missed it so much.

He held my hand I could feel it by the way his skin felt against mine, he whirled me around and in a second his hand rested on my waist as he urged me to walk next to him. He was in a perfect disguise and I looked at him. I could tell he was smiling beneath his black mask.

"See, this is why I don't trust other guys! How could you let someone do this to you in the midst of the road in a foreign country?", he asked me.

"No stranger would confidently do this to anyone in a foreign country", I playfully hit him on his leg and he stopped, pretending to be gravely hurt. "I can't believe you", I looked at him as I went with his act. I supported him in standing completely. In a second, he intertwined his fingers with mine.

"I missed you", he softly whispered in my ear.

"I missed you too", I whispered back, softly. I pulled him in an empty alley and pulled his mask down. "I need you to do something", I told him, nibbling on his ear and I could feel my skin feel the heat that it yearned for since a couple of months before him going on tour.

"Right now?", he asked surprised.

"Yeah, right now", I said and I could feel him harden against my pelvis.

"You are...so, not right now. Let's go to your hotel room. I'm still famous", he pulled me closer and I chuckled. He turned me around, pulling his mask down, he kissed me hard. His mouth pressed against mine. I held him tightly and he gasped. "I love you", he softly said before pulling his mask up.

"I, you", I held his hand again.

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