because sometimes there are invisible tests and invisible rules and you're just supposed to ... know the rule. someone you thought of as a friend asks you for book recommendations, so you give her a list of like 30 books, each with a brief blurb and why you like it. later, you find out she screenshotted the list and send it out to a group chat with the note: what an absolute freak can you believe this. you saw the responses: emojis where people are rolling over laughing. too much and obsessive and actually kind of creepy in the comments. you thought you'd been doing the right thing. she'd asked, right? an invisible rule: this is what happens when you get too excited.
you aren't supposed to laugh at your own jokes, so you don't, but then you're too serious. you're not supposed to be too loud, but then people say you're too quiet. you aren't supposed to get passionate about things, but then you're shy, boring. you aren't supposed to talk too much, but then people are mad when you're not good at replying.
you fold yourself into a prettier paper crane. since you never know what is "selfish" and what is "charity," you give yourself over, fully. you'd rather be empty and over-generous - you'd rather eat your own boundaries than have even one person believe that you're mean. since you don't know what the thing is that will make them hate you, you simply scrub yourself clean of any form of roughness. if you are perfect and smiling and funny, they can love you. if you are always there for them and never admit what's happening and never mention your past and never make them uncomfortable - you can make up for it. you can earn it.
don't fuck up. they're all testing you, always. they're tolerating you. whatever secret club happened, over a summer somewhere - during some activity you didn't get to attend - everyone else just... figured it out. like they got some kind of award or examination that allowed them to know how-to-be-normal. how to fit. and for the rest of your life, you've been playing catch-up. you've been trying to prove that - haha! you get it! that the joke they're telling, the people they are, the manual they got- yeah, you've totally read it.
if you can just divide yourself in two - the lovable one, and the one that is you - you can do this. you can walk the line. they can laugh and accept you. if you are always-balanced, never burdensome, a delight to have in class, champagne and glittering and never gawky or florescent or god-forbid cringe: you can get away with it.
you stare at your therapist, whom you can make jokes with, and who laughs at your jokes, because you are so fucking good at people-pleasing. you smile at her, and she asks you how you're doing, and you automatically say i'm good, thanks, how are you? while the answer swims somewhere in your little lizard brain:
how long have you been doing this now? mastering the art of your body and mind like you're piloting a puppet. has it worked? what do you mean that all you feel is... just exhausted. pick yourself up, the tightrope has no net. after all, you're cheating, somehow, but nobody seems to know you actually flunked the test. it's working!
aren't you happy yet?
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Toman Groupchat
Warnings: swearing, the topic of sex is brought up a lot, mentions of the r word (i don't actually say it i just say "r word"), gayness, mentions of depression, mentions of suicide, teenage boys. also snuck in a lot of personal headcanons so that might not be your thing
Desc: Mikey lost his V-card
Mikey: just had the sex
Mikey: it's not all that, tbh
Mikey: i didn't like it
Mikey: i was quite indifferent to the situation actually
Mitsuya: that's great 👍
Smiley: you're the last one to lose your v-card and you come back with a report like this?😒
Smiley: we want details
Draken: whose we?
Mitsuya: no we don't
Chifuyu: it must have been difficult tackling the whole issue with you being 5'3 and all
Mikey: you're an inch taller than me😐
Chifuyu: "taller" being the key word
Baji: what didn't you like about the sex?
Baji: i think sex is great
Kazutora: i think it's super nice until you get in over your head and freak out about your performance so you end up having a panic attack and she just leaves
Smiley: LMAOOOOOO
Draken: that's actually kinda sad, you good?
Kazutora: no? i'll never emotionally recover. never again
Baji: maybe it should be with someone you trust and have been friends with for a number of years. maybe even your best friend who would do anything for you. that's just my opinion tho
Draken: just tell him ffs. anything but this
Kazutora: i have no girl friends?? the only women i know who're affiliated with this friendgroup are hina (taken), emma (mikey's sister and also taken), and yuzuha (gay)
Baji: why does it have to be a girl
Mikey: bro
Hakkai: 💀
Smiley: mention homosexuality once and here Hakkai comes
Hakkai: 😐
Kazutora: Baji i know you're gay and i support your lgbtq+ lifestyle but i'm not into dicks like you are man
Baji: what about assholes
Mitsuya: what's the point of this, like just ask him out atp
Mikey: you'd let KAZUTORA top???? insane
Kazutora: what's wrong with me topping? also who am i topping??
Smiley: well you're a twink so you're obviously a bottom
Chifuyu: Kazutora are you actually just gonna ignore what everyone else is saying
Kazutora: aren't you guys talking to Baji?
Draken: are you stupid or what
Kazutora: i'm really confused rn can we just to back to talking about Mikey
Mikey: yes actually. i've decided that i don't like sex and won't be doing it again
Chifuyu: bad day for Takemitchy
Takemitchy: what?
Chifuyu: well since you ride his dick so much
Takemitchy: HUH
Takemitchy: i've never done that with Mikey-kun tho??? i'm with Hina? also I'm straight so I don't understand what you mean by that 😥
Chifuyu: i don't actually mean-
Chifuyu: nvm
Baji: are we allowed to call people the r word anymore
Angry: no it's a slur
Baji: you're probably mad because people said it to you huh? lmao
Angry: yes
Baji: oh
Smiley: i didn't even mean it Angry it was just that one time
Angry: several, one times. but okay
Angry: i still love you
Smiley: can you not say that in front of our friends like idk what to do rn cause i can't say it back so it looks embarssing for you
Angry: 😕
Smiley: ...
Angry: ☹️
Smiley: i love you too
Angry: thank you
Chifuyu: very rare Smiley human decency moment
Draken: you guys are such weird siblings but that was great to watch. character development in a matter of seconds
Smiley: you should all kill yourselves
Mikey: man i really want to
Mikey: that was a literal joke before you guys get weird
Draken: you've actively tried to kill yourself tho
Mikey: yeah but like i won't do it anymore
Baji: we must just, believe you?
Mikey: i know that's hard to do because i lie all the time but yes
Draken: not a convincing argument but nice try
Mitsuya: terrible try actually. Mikey should we be worried?
Mikey: miss me with that gay shit, i'm fine
Mitsuya: i hate you guys so much
Draken: not me tho cause i'm your og
Mitsuya: 😐
Mitsuya: yeah i guess
Draken: 🤞
Draken: i'm gonna go out with my girlfriend now
Draken: also Mikey you're probably asexual. or you haven't found the right one to do it with yet idk
Mikey: what's asexual
Draken: google it
Mikey: Ken-chin c'mon i'm having a crisis rn
Draken: basically low or very little sexual attraction to others
Draken: there's a whole spectrum to it tho so you should probably do some research because that was an extremely watered down explanation
Draken: i'm ace too if that helps
Baji: Emma's a whole ass slut so how does she deal with that
Smiley: imagine bagging Ryuguji Ken with his sexy ass and he doesn't wanna smash. tragic
Draken: first of all, Baji i'll fucking kill you, never say that about Emma again
Draken: and fuck you Smiley
Angry: are you traumatized because of living in a sex orientated/obsessed environment so you eventually began to detest any affiliation with the act?
Draken: yes actually
Angry: i see
Mikey: i just don't like it. i'm not traumatized like Ken-chin :(
Draken: it's whatever
Baji: calm down i didn't call Emma a slut as an insult i just mean it as a describing word because she likes fucking
Baji: i've known her longer than you and she's been fucking since she knew what the thing was
Mikey: i probably should have addressed that as an older brother or something
Mikey: yk, cause i take care of my family
Baji: now she takes care of you with your chronically depressed ass
Mikey: 😒
Kazutora: is Emma also traumatized? like the opposite of Draken?
Mikey: wait should i ask?? her mom did abandon her and she did grow up without a father figure so like maybe i should talk to her
Smiley: you didn't have to dish out her problems like that 💀
Baji: she's got the Sano slut genes because wasn't Shinichiro falling in love with different people everyday? then your dad was impregnating people all the time. skipped Mikey tho
Draken: not everything is trauma related. also Emma just likes sex. it's not a huge deal breaker and if it was she would tell me and we'd talk about it
Mikey: what about having kids?
Draken: stop asking me this shit we'll do that when we're ready
Smiley: it's crazy how Draken is one of the healthiest people here. always reacting sensibly to situations and dealing with his trauma normally. he's such a good guy. hate him
Draken: love you too
Mikey: did he deal with it all that healthily if he beats people to a pulp most of the time
Draken: i stopped doing that
Baji: why though, you were an actual unit
Baji: wasted talent. i still beat people up
Draken: Emma said to
Mikey: fair
Smiley: Mitsuya could be on Draken's level too but something went wrong along the way cause he's a boy liker
Mitsuya: 🖕
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