#i've just been diagnosed with depression and i have never related so much to any scene before | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

torturedtraveler · 3 days

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dear xx univeristy application office,

Listen, I know I've been rejected and this personal statement is not going to mean anything. But I feel like writing it, as a reflection of the past few months.

With what happened in middle school, I got diagnosed with depression and anxiety and transferred schools. I started dating a friend but broke up shortly after. One day he jumped from our school building and passed away (he had bipolar), it felt like a slap across my face and from then on, I gave up on myself.

I stopped showing up to class consistently and socializing. Until one day in Form 6, I realized, I didn't understand any of the things my teachers were saying in class and I would have my IB exams in less than a year. I couldn't catch up, I couldn't do it. Again, I was impulsive and have always been so I decided to just quit IB and start A-Levels. Fast forward a few months, I found out that I still couldn't do it, because of my mental health, I couldn't pull through, and in the midst of it, my grandpa passed away. These all piled up on me again and I had to quit, again. I took one A-Level and IELTS and decided to apply for associate degree programs. I chose translation originally because I am fluent in both English and Chinese and I have always wanted to do something related to languages. However, something shifted in me one day, I applied to the same colleges but instead, in Psychology.

I went through what I would call "hell" in those 5-6 years in secondary, I struggled every day with mental health, with depression, with anxiety, and I wanted to do something in the future that could help kids like me. In fact, XX College gave me a conditional offer but unfortunately, my academic qualifications did not meet their requirements (probably because I didn't graduate from a secondary school) just like how I didn't meet your requirements and am not what you wanted. Fortunately, my current College accepted me for my qualifications and there I started my tertiary education.

The school year started off great and strong. I was attending classes every day, socializing with my classmates, handing in assignments, all these things I NEVER managed to do consistently in high school.

My family and friends were shocked about the transformation. I was actually working hard in school.

Hey, I know a 3.26 GPA might have not been the best and you were probably expecting something higher, but that wasn't what mattered, what mattered was, I changed. I started taking my academics seriously, even through hard days, when I felt tired and depressed (occasionally), I showed up to class and did my work, and I made friends, which again, was shocking considering I developed social anxiety after I was bullied in high school for my ex-boyfriends' suicide.

However, my anxiety got worse near the end of the first semester and I had to postpone my final requirements, nonetheless, I finished them at the start of semester B.

I don't know what went wrong from there, but it was obvious that my mental health was getting bad again because I wasn't showing up to class and I wasn't paying attention in class. Though I was still handing in assignments and working hard on them, I wasn't showing up to class consistently. I only acknowledged the decline of my mental health at the start of March, when I started isolating myself again and stopped talking to my mom, who has always been my best friend. Fast forward to my second mid-term test, I thought I would feel less pressured after finishing it, but nope, it only went downhill from there. I didn't show up to class for 2 consecutive weeks. My mom was asking me if I was okay, and my friends were asking me why I wasn't showing up to class. I repeatedly reassured them I was fine, I just needed some time off for myself, but in reality, I was only trying to reassure myself that I was fine because I refused to admit that I was having a relapse. I didn't want to accept it, I was doing so fine for so long, I was getting so much better, and everyone was praising me for it, what could go wrong? Well, reality sucks, and sometimes, depression creeps its way back into your life with no apparent reason.

April was when things got really bad, depression was presenting itself in physical ways. I caught a cold, and it got better after 3 days, but then I had abdominal pain, which escalated to stomachache. It was one of the worst physical pain I have ever felt in my life, I had a low fever and I could not stand up, my mom wanted to call the ambulance and get me to the hospital but I refused because I knew I had to wait to see the doctor and my pain would just worsen. I saw a doctor the next day and he informed me that it was gastroenteritis. I had to stay home for a few days because I was still in some level of pain. I was forced to put down my academics for a while. Aphthous ulcer found its way to my mouth later (and I actually still do have it at the current moment), and now I can't even have a proper meal without being in pain.

The physical symptoms weren't the worst part. Do you know that feeling of working on an assignment one day in an empty room in the school library on a Saturday afternoon, listening to jazz and making good progress, and all of a sudden you stared at a blank wall and started bawling your eyes out? That's what happened to me. I experienced that consecutively for a week. Just completely random moments in life, you were feeling fine the last second, and the next, you were crying for your dear life.

I was in the shower once and suicidal thoughts consumed my mind, I was bombarded with all the ways I could end my life, jumping off a building, hanging myself, cutting myself, etc. I felt despairful, worthless, exhausted, all the worst emotions you could possibly think of, and was just ready. Ready for me to leave because I had no worth, I wasn't showing up to class and it was reflected in my grades. I mustered up the strength to call in my mom because for a split second there I still wanted to hold on, I didn't want to give up just quite yet.

All these were happening, because I had so much pressure on my shoulders, that I imposed on myself, to get a high GPA, to get into a prestigious university in my city, to get into XX Univeristy. I didn't want to spend 2 years in community college and wanted to ascend to university as fast as I could.

I received your university's rejection yesterday, and let me tell you, yesterday was an awful day. To start with, rains flooded the streets near my school campus, even under an umbrella I was drenched, from head to bottom. I arrived on campus completely soaked, with water in my shoes. At that point, I was already depressed (bad weather could seriously affect your mood), nonetheless, I told myself "It was a bad experience, but that will not dictate your day, you still have a full day ahead of you", so I mustered a smile on my face and went straight to class. I was chatting with friends as it was the last class and we were all just doing revisions. I went to the library shortly after.

I wasn't as productive as I wanted to be because 1) I wasn't motivated and 2) Depression can really interfere with your daily life functioning, for example, doing work. I didn't get as much done as I wanted to so I decided, maybe it was time to go home.

I took the train, I bought myself dinner, I grabbed the mail, I went home. I sat down, with my dinner in front of me, and opened up the application portal on my laptop.

The word "unsuccessful" was under my application status and into my eyes.

I kid you not, I felt like my life had ended right there. Everything that I had worked so hard for, all the pressure I had imposed on myself to get a high GPA, to get into a prestigious university, and the high hopes that I had, all faded in one single moment.

I called my mom screaming and crying, shouting into the phone about how miserable I was, I was in so much pain. I couldn't think straight and my mom reassured me that she was on her way home. She arrived, grabbed a chair, and sat next to me.

Essentially our conversation went on for about 45 minutes, and I remember distinctly, one of the things she said was, "So? That's it?". It was a wake-up call for me.

All this time, the amount of pressure I've put on myself, the sleepless nights I've had to experience, the physical symptoms, the mental symptoms, etc. All because of one number that I ignorantly thought would dictate my future. I lost sight of what I originally did this for. In working towards getting into university to get a degree where I could help people, I ironically forgot to help myself. I lost sight of what was important in the current moment, my priority is not yet to help others struggling with mental health, it's me, I'm struggling with my mental health, I am my priority. I neglected my mental health and what I truly needed, it wasn't grades, it was self-love. Caring for myself, listening to my needs, attending to myself, and acknowledging that I was struggling.

It's okay to relapse. It's okay to know that you need help. It's okay that you're depressed again even if you thought you didn't have depression anymore. It's okay that it's near finals season but you're mentally struggling, maybe you need to postpone again, and that's okay. Do you know why? Because we're humans, and it's okay to not be okay.

All these years of struggling, I haven't done much with my life and I desperately wanted to prove to myself and everyone else, that for once, I could do something, I am capable of something. I wanted to get into a university, a prestigious one, the top in my city, to redeem myself. Because my sister got into a good university, and my friends from high school got into good universities. I NEED to prove to people that I am not dumber than them, just because I wasted a few years in secondary school doesn't mean I am less smart than them. I can still get into university.

I am just as good. Not because of good grades or whether I am in a good university or not though. I am a good person because I have a good heart, I care for everyone around me deeply and I'm always there for them even if I'm struggling. I am a good person because I have a passion, I want to work hard to achieve my passion and help people professionally. I am a good person because I have hobbies, I have things I enjoy doing and I do my best to advance my skills, and to work hard to achieve small goals in life.

I am a good person because I haven't given up on myself yet. 6 years of depression and anxiety, and countless times standing on a ledge, wanting to jump but convincing myself not to.

Because my ultimate goal in life is to be happy, I know there will be bad days and bad experiences, some days might feel like the end of the world (just like yesterday), but some would feel like I'm floating on cloud 9. That doesn't equal a bad life. And I'm learning to accept that.

I want to be surrounded by people I love, loving them back in the same way so they know they're not alone because they were there for me when I was at my lowest. I am the happiest when I'm loving, I'm giving, and when I'm learning. Psychology is something I'm passionate about, not the GPA system. What I should do in the current moment is to learn, enjoy the process, and work hard to show my teachers, and myself, that I have done my best with what I've learned.

Thank you for your rejection. Your wake-up call. If it weren't for this, I wouldn't have realized what I was doing wrong this whole time and I probably would've stayed in that same position for a while. I'm taking it day by day now, and I'm getting better, and that's what truly matters.

My deepest gratitude for reviewing my application and considering it. Also for reading this if you have.

Thank you, I truly, deeply, appreciate it.

Warmest regards

#university #rejection #college #psychology #letters #poetry

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salti-thelatediagnosedautist · 1 year

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I am personally 100% for a shitty self diagnosis.

A shitty self diagnosis is usually the predecessor to a fairly accurate self diagnosis.

For me, I didn't think I could possibly have autism because of the stereotypical traits listed (I first started researching in 2013 when most sources were based on children, and not relatable at all to a teenager). So I actually thought I must be bipolar! That was a shitty self diagnosis, but it then later on led to a self diagnosis of autism, which has now become a professional diagnosis of autism.

I honestly hate that there is any dislike to self diagnosis at all... to me it doesn't make sense. Unless you suspect something is "wrong" with you, it's very unlikely you'll just happen to end up in front a psychiatrist or psychologist getting diagnosed. And even if you do it's much less likely that they'll diagnose you with autism unless you have already self diagnosed it.

Lets say someone self diagnoses autism without learning much about it. They just saw a few tiktoks that resonated with them and they went for it.

Here's my thought process.

They are going to continue learning about autism, great!

This means if they don't have autism, they will likely become a lot more empathetic to people with autism. That's awesome!

If they do have autism, that's great too! Another correct self diagnosis, yippee! (This is the more likely outcome BTW! It's fairly uncommon for people to think they are autistic for no reason...)

Or the third outcome is, self diagnosing with autism wasn't correct, but it lead to a correct self diagnosis of ADHD or something else. Great for them!

Here's a second scenario. Someone does a shitty autism self diagnosis. They then see a bunch of posts and comments about how you need to really deeply and responsibly research autism for your self diagnosis to be valid. Or even a bunch of people directly comment that to them.

Then here's my thought process with that scenario.

The person is actually autistic but gets scared out of self diagnosing because they worry they can never research enough. They become indecisive and it takes them much much longer to be able to self diagnose because of fear and gate-keeping.

The person isn't autistic and feels discouraged from doing research towards any self diagnosis. They feel isolated and misunderstood. They get upset that they have been rejected by yet another community.

Now, listen. I know that for us autistic people it can feel like we are being attacked on all sides and that bad self diagnosis is just another way we are being misunderstood. But the thing is, from my POV, professional diagnosis is honestly not much better. At all. Doctors have trouble correctly diagnosing physical conditions, let alone mental ones. Most doctors I've been too couldn't even diagnose a rash. It's honestly sad how useless they can be sometimes.

A self diagnosis is key to finding your correct diagnosis also. Without self diagnosis many people won't have ANY diagnosis ever.

A lot of people with a shitty self diagnosis are also often teens. Lost, confused, misunderstood teenagers. And people who self-diagnose mental conditions are often neurodivergent in one way or another. Whether it be autism, ADHD, depression, we should be accepting them all the same. We are all fighting very similar fights.

Now for my big POV - we can't actually truly determine whether someone has an accurate self diagnosis. We are autistic people, but we can't diagnose other autistics. Pretending that we can is a dangerous game to play. Autism can present extremely differently person-to-person. It's important that we don't forget that.

Basically, I understand that it feel frustrating seeing so many people self diagnosis with autism without much research. But please, even if you disagree with me, at least remember to be KIND.

#autism #actually autistic #asd #late diagnosed autistic #autism diagnosis #neurodivergent #autistic blog #oc #autism spectrum disorder #autistic life #self diagnosers #self diagnosed autism

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nerves-nebula · 1 year

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Okay all of this 2k12 turtle talk is mildly hilarious as someone who, while grew up watching 2k3 and even the 2k7 movie before 2k12 popped up and I irregularly caught it on the TV, still found myself drawn to those turtles the most BECAUSE of abusive dynamics that resonated with me.

I haven’t watched Rise yet (gotta do that at some point !), to preface. But since I was a kid I was definitely aware of abuse within the 2k12 family simply because I interpolated my own interpretations to situations beyond their reach to match my own lived experience yknow? Like you said, creating art to make something of your own trauma. I was an angry eldest child who went through ODD and depression+anxiety diagnoses before the ADHD one (and a softcore autism diagnosis, ig? it’s complicated) so of course I was drawn to the way Raphael was angry. Of course I was drawn to the way he lashed out at his brothers and friends emotionally and physically in a way I’ve done a lot. I understood the feeling of being so upset that you want to upset others (particularly authority figures) to make them understand the way you feel, even though you love them. It’s easier to be angry than it is to be sad, too. And of course I was drawn to Leonardo, eldest sibling syndrome incarnate, as I grew into the role of a parent in the household. Of course I disliked Splinter, because those conversations with Leonardo about it all reminded me of my home in a negative way. Discipline, the word, still makes me emotional.

So, I DO think there’s abusive themes in 2k12, but that’s why I liked it. Arguing over how good and bad fictional characters are in earnest has always seemed silly, but to dismiss interpreted abuse as bashing the show or characters is worse imo. (I think people who definitively label characters in the same, unrelenting way to undermine a show, it’s characters, or the fans is equally silly). I don’t know, those conversations struck a chord with me as a 2k12 fan solely due to their dysfunction.

Ahck sorry for the text wall !! Jus wanna add that it’s also why I love YOUR comics and work so much, they’ve helped a lot of people understand and be open about themselves and their experiences and I think you can tell from the asks. Doesn’t hurt to say it though. It helped me, it brings me joy, so thank you! ❤️

still found myself drawn to those turtles the most BECAUSE of abusive dynamics that resonated with me.

NOO Like this is the main reason i was first interested in watching 2012 instead of any of the other iterations after Rise too!!

I understood the feeling of being so upset that you want to upset others (particularly authority figures) to make them understand the way you feel, even though you love them. It’s easier to be angry than it is to be sad, too.

relatable, tbh. when i was younger i CHOSE to be sad instead of angry most of the time. I chose to blame myself and shut down, because I'd never want to put someone through the terror and pain I felt. but then as I grew up i realized just how much it was hurting me and how UNFAIR it all was. And then I realized how much the people hurting me the most DIDNT EVEN CARE.

I'm still distressed tho cause now I have a habit of lashing out at people when I feel like they don't understand, to try to make them feel the way I do. but at the end of the day I don't ACTUALLY want them in tears, I want them to UNDERSTAND my feelings and that's just!! not gonna happen through cruelty!!

Arguing over how good and bad fictional characters are in earnest has always seemed silly, but to dismiss interpreted abuse as bashing the show or characters is worse imo.

vIBEs. good opinions here no notes. Only thing I can add is that I've been given a few accounts of what is CLEARLY character bashing in popular parts of the fandom so I totally get people who get annoyed/skeeved out by it.

Jus wanna add that it’s also why I love YOUR comics and work so much, they’ve helped a lot of people understand and be open about themselves and their experiences and I think you can tell from the asks.

augh you're all such daRLING sweethearts about it. literally don't even worry, I do this for myself for the most part and all the good that comes afterwards is just a happy side effect.

#nnstuff #ask #asks are sweethearts #tmnt 2012

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blogathan · 12 hours

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TW: Addiction, HORRIBLE grammar, Tagents into Tagents straight back to the original topic... Just bad writing. Way too long Super TMI journal post. This post is mostly for myself.

I've been struggling with an addiction to delta 8 the legal version of weed in my state for about 3 years. My sister's previous roommate gave me a vape cartridge and the vape for my 28th birthday because I enjoyed smoking weed with their friend group. - I added this after typing half of this post: I'm high right now. And also covered in tears and snot.

Fuck you Libby! Wait... No no. You didn't know I wouldn't be able to stop taking hits because the brain fog from this worse than weed chemical mix would cover my depression (and the rest of my brain...) while mindlessly distracting myself with snacks, porn, video games, and TV shows I had already seen. As soon as I get high the part of my brain that could barely inhibit me from instant gratification is turned off.

I wonder if anyone can relate to that feeling of not being in control. Like there have been times where Id tell myself you can be sober and get your shit together. So id put the disposable vape away in a drawer and then go do something else (although in the same room, I spent a lot of time on my PC which was in my room at the time, but also as right now a lot of time in bed on my phone... I gotta keep my phone out of my bedroom... You guys are gonna see me a lot less. I might delete the app..anyway I'd be on my phone or PC. Holy shit I was addicted to technology as a distraction before the delta 8 (and still am?)) and so after being on my PC or phone I honestly vividly remember I didn't have a thought. Like... I am looking at my screen and then all of a sudden I blink and I'm standing there blowing out smoke. Some of it seems to be lack of mindfulness, but my mind definitely works different than most as I have ADHD inattentive type, a reading and writing learning disability. I haven't been diagnosed, but I'm confident that I am autistic as well... And all of these I learned at 17 (and 11 months) so I was kinda already an "adult" already or so I thought and also legally (but at the same time.. Ive been developing slower... Ugh I hate thinking about little me who needed help and didn't know it 😭😭) when I learned I was different. And other than giving me meds they literally gave me no help to change any of my ways of thinking or even explained what ADHD was. I didn't look it up to understand iteven though I had it until last year. And it also just derailed this story lol one of the ways these things affect me are my lack of ability to control and process emotions.

I have so much emotion I haven't processed. My only memories of crying pre-25 years old was getting spanked as a kid, when I couldn't focus and do my homework. Omg there was this writing assignment in the 4th grade. I was supposed to write a one page paper on something. I got the piece of paper out. I write my name in the upper corner. I stare at the paper. I need an opening sentence. And then my mind is blank. But not just blank for a second. Actually I have no idea how long I stared at that blank page. It felt like somewhere between 5 minutes and an hour. I've never been good with feeling time pass. Anyway blank mind and this expectation that I need to write the paper. I'm supposed to write this paper and I can't think of anything... frustration growsAnd then I cried myself to sleep on top of the blank piece of paper. I couldn't get myself to do homework for the rest of the school year.. and then I started begging to stay home when projects I couldn't get myself to do were due. I started hiding under the bed after my mom woke me up so they couldn't force me to go to school. Oh wait 4th grade. I was still leaving giant skid marks in my underwear and a number of incidents that were way worse... Oh man I'm remembering more crying from being embarrassed people could smell me.. oh 8 year old Jon it's not your fault you didn't know you needed to take off your pants completely and spread your legs wider to poop. So you would push and push so hard your diaphragm would close your lungs and you couldn't breathe. And you'd choke yourself trying to poop. But couldn't. So then 5 days of no poop later a droplet would fall down your leg. Y'all may be wondering why I'm writing all of this and it's cause I've never told anyone. I've never processed this. I'm in tears I've been writing and rereading for an hour. Like when I started listing times I remember crying before 25 I had a short list spankings as a kid and my two grandfathers funerals. I kinda blocked out the embarrassment and crying I felt when people could smell me.

Okay so I got off topic because this is a diary entry and that's how I think.

So tonight my parents were watching a Chris Farley documentary and I watched the last half of it with them. If you don't know him he was on SNL from 1990-1995. Hilarious guy who couldn't control his addictions.

And then my mom and I are talking after the documentary and she starts telling me about my brother's battle with addiction. And I'm staring at her high. She says "he was high around us for 6 years and we didn't notice" and I'm high. And I've been trying to become sober. In the past year I've had 4 times where I was sober for 20-40 day spurts. But for some reason I've never been able to open up to my parents about anything. It's like... I don't trust them. Like I trust what they say. Omg it's not trust. It's safety. I've never felt safe to be vulnerable with them. My gut is saying they always just talked about being a Christian and making good grades. And I've struggled with both(okay at this point religion is not a struggle, I am confident I'm atheist).... So she's giving me the perfect opening to tell her I need help and I just keep listening. My brother was living with 3 other guys and he'd been addicted to weed, and opiates when my brother was in highschool so by then he was doing heroin and everything else. And one day him and his friends are using and someone comes to buy some from one on them. And as that transaction is happening in the doorway they can see my brother. His face is blue. Hed overdosed. But the buyer had a friend with him and that friend saw my brother and he had a can of narcan(idk what exactly my mom said but that's what I heard) They injected into his groin. He didn't wake up. They threw a glass a water on him and he woke up.

A week later one of my brothers roommates ODs. This time they don't have anything. My brother who didn't own a phone yells someone call 911. But no one wanted to. They had lots of drugs and didn't know of the good Samaritan law. My brother goes out of the apartment and finds someone to call 911. The firemen arrive and can't save him. The ambulance arrives and they save him. His other roommates laugh afterwards and say that was you last week. He knows he's gonna die if he stays there. But he accidentally got too deep. His drug dealer/roommate offered him a deal: drive him to his drug dealer and then he'll give my brother free drugs. But now he knows a supplier and they aren't gonna let him just move out or leave. So he pretends he is gonna do laundry and gathers his things into a laundry bag and then runs away calling my dad and demanding my dad come pick him up and take him to a detox center. They send him to a Christian rehab (this was rehab #3) and my brother got saved and works for that organization at their church college campus.

I know I'm just addicted to delta 8 and it doesn't kill me it just numbs me to life and lowers my inhibition so it's not the same.. but idk after hearing what my own brother went through.. I gotta face my emotions. I gotta get past this addiction. And then find some kind of motivation or something to push me to get a job. Because I can't stay in this house all day and never interact with people. I feel like I understand some of myself more but.. does the depression go away? Or.. how do I learn how to correctly live while sober? Like how to not let my emotions control me but also I've never had structure... Okay enough introspection. Kinda hope someone reads this and understands me and gives me advice. Also kinda hoping this was too long and scared off most people..

#blogathan lore #venting #addiction #i cant tell if im hiding behind this ADHD/Depression/learning disability/autism or if im actually doing well for someone who has them

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spicesweet · 3 days

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Helloo, im looking for advice and your blog seems like a safe place but feel free to ignore if that's too much/out of your depth

So I never got diagnosed with an ed but I did ballet in my formative tears (4yo til 11) and as such I started 'caring' about my weight/stature very early (recently found journal entries from when I was 6 and I was measuring my waist every night). When I had my first smartphone I obv downloaded every 'health' app I could find (lifesum, movesum, whatever, I probably had it at one point), but after hs I got into a bad depressive episode but one of the upside is that I decided to eat what felt good and not just focus on random cals. Recently I decided to get back in shape and well, let's say that it started innocently but I ended with myfitnesspal back on my phone. And like. I'm trying again but just, how do you do it? Bc even when I wasn't counting cals I still categorised every meal into good or bad, I always planned what I was going to eat and like, is there a way to not center my life around food?

Sorry for the rant but I'm just so frustrated and sad with myself

Sending you love 💞

first of all, thank you so much for trusting me with this. this is in fact a safe space, and I'm glad it shows ♡

your message actually tugged at my heartstrings, because I relate to this so much! in one way or another, since I was a kid, I've orbited around food more than any other topic. even now, when I'm doing better than ever, I'm healthy and strong and honestly the closest I've ever been to my ideal, dream body, food is still something I'll spend a lot of time thinking about. disordered eating behaviors are hard to move on from exactly because food is central to our lives! it's the most basic need any animal has, regardless of what "food" means to that animal, and we're no different.

for me, I was tired. I spent my entire life loathing myself, feeling disgust and hatred that consumed me and at the same time paralyzed me, caused me to be unable to change. but life kept happening, and eventually I was in a completely new circumstance that allowed me to very slowly change my relationship with food. I have no shame in admitting that I don't know if it would've happened if I didn't have my man with me, because he made me want to do better, be better and healthier so I could stand proud next to him. I didn't want him to date a sick girl who would only have limitations to present him. but I do believe it would've happened eventually, just slower, maybe.

but to answer your actual question, how I do it, I think it's sort of like battling an addiction. you can't really ever take your foot off the pedal, relax and just think that if you get a little better, it'll be forever and you'll never have to worry about it coming back. I think having an eating disorder in your teens is so much harder because everything is impulsive, immediate, instant, including our expectations. now that I'm past that, I can understand that being extreme and hardcore doesn't last, but smaller actions add up. my commitment to myself and my health is a forever deal, and at the same time, I'm only concerned about today. I think my disordered eating behaviors are an addiction for me, because as much as I know how harmful they are, I also do find comfort in them. they do serve me, in lots of way, like addictive substances do. so I don't ever let my guard down around them, and I each day I wake up focused on keeping them away for the day. I don't bother with tomorrows and yesterdays, only today, only the next time.

and don't get me wrong: I still plan my meals ahead, I still get guilty often, I still regret eating this and that often. it's not a perfect system, and I think accepting and understanding that is also a part of the reason why I've been healthier. I'm not looking for a perfect lifestyle or a perfect relationship with food, but rather a sustainable one, and there's no room for obsession, self-loathing, impulsiveness and nonchalantry when it comes to sustainability. there's a lot of planning, watching out, discipline and understanding instead.

I think that if you identify disordered eating behaviors in your story, I think it's okay to understand that it is and will probably always be a big piece of your life, and even more okay that you'll have to treat this topic with special attention. I can't tell you how this special attention will go because that's literally a self-discovery problem, but it's about finding out what purpose the behaviors are serving and then finding a way to replace them with sustainable, flexible and accessible ones. you just need to investigate what these mean to you. to me, it means mainly a lot of reading about health and a lot of cooking and learning about nutrition and a lot of hours on top of a treadmill. eventually, if you're patient with yourself, embracing low moments but not giving up, not rushing your process, not expecting immediate results, I know you'll eventually find your healthy. ⁠♡

#loveletters #advice

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dolleminas · 1 year

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hi, my doctor has given me a tentative diagnosis of pcos and the only info I can find about it online that doesn't relate to getting pregnant is your Tumblr post. do you have any sources for the stuff about fatigue, vitamin D deficiency, etc being super common in pcos? cos I've dealt with those forever too. things are clicking into place but also with the way the NHS is I don't know if there's much point confirming the diagnosis (it's only diagnosed with transvaginal ultrasound :c) because the only treatment offered seems to be birth control and fertility treatment.

Good afternoon, nonny. Thanks for reaching out to me! And congratulations on getting a (albeit tentative) diagnosis. I know it might not seem positive, but now you know what you have and what can be done about it. At least, that is how I felt.

When I first made that post I never expected so many women to add their own experiences, talk of their their shock, their anger... or just admit that they had been diagnosed for years but that I somehow taught them things they never knew.

It's been an experience and a half. But I'm very glad that I can spread information and if that helps you, even better.

First of all, to diagnose PCOS, you need to fit 2/3 criteria of the Rotterdam concensus. Irregular periods, higher testosterone, and 12 or more follicles on your ovaries each. So, even without a hormone test you can usually tell whether someone has PCOS. Even so, I would still recommend asking for a hormone test if your health insurance covers it.

Sources

I tried looking up an English source for you since you mentioned NHS. Do keep in mind that women's healthcare is really not researched well and that there will be sources and information that will contradict one another. Here is one such article about the Rotterdam concensus.

As you can see they also mention the insulin resistance in this article, IBS, and fatigue, among other things.

Here is another one.

Here is some information about Insulin resistance in women with PCOS.

And here is some about depression.

You specifically asked for vitamin D so here is a study.

And another.

And one about fatigue.

I will however stress that these are all scientific sources and we all know that it can sometimes be biased, and again, not researched properly. My advice would always be to listen to women who have PCOS before listening to a medical source (no matter how professional it looks.)

My Own Experiences & Tips

I've not been diagnosed with PCOS long, but I have been quite thrown into studying it because it pissed me off interested me so much, and by researching (and reading a lot) here are some things that helped me, and I hope they can help you too.

Vitamin deficiencies are common in women with PCOS, especially Vitamin D. What I do is drink a glass of orange juice every morning with Vitamin D supplements. I take Solgar liquid vitamin drops, but depending on where you live they might have something of a different brand. Remember; take it during a meal.

Carbs make your sugar spike, so try to swap out some high-carb foods for lower carb. This way I have managed to lose weight, and this is often recommended for women with PCOS. And if you have a tendency for disordered eating, this will (generally) be easier than counting calories and going on a diet. After going low-carb my blood sugar level (which was high before) went down to regular levels and according to my doctor, I am now no longer immediately in danger of developing Diabetes Type 2.

Exercise! Especially weight-lifting, since it is mentioned it gives you more energy. Since starting myself, I have also noticed a difference. Here is a link for at home work-outs. Taking daily walks is also recommended for your exposure to sunlight and to help depression and anxiety.

Keep a diary of your symptoms. I have a word document with my own diary, so if anyone is interested I will be posting it. Just send me a message :)

Besides this, you do not need to go on birth control if you do not want to. My gynocologist said to me that once every three months you need to have your period. Women with PCOS can have a period 4 times a year, and that is enough! If you get your period less, then you can take progesteron pills for 7 days, and it will start your period. Again; you only need to use them for 7 days. You could do this four times a year and that would be all. Then again I am not a gynocologist so do talk about this with your doctor.

Another thing is that the fatigue could also very well be a side-effect of low vitamin D, B12, and low iron. My advice would be to get tested monthly if you can, and then try to balance your vitamins and see if this improves your fatigue.

And last but no least I recommend Meals She Eats. I made a post about it before, but even if you ignore everything else that is said (they are a bit woo-woo about organic foods and sugars) they still are very informative about the menstrual cycle. If for any reason you are unable to get your hands on the book do reach out to me in my DM's and I can help you.

If there is anything else I forgot I will reblog this and add more information, and I also will request others do too! The more we learn about PCOS and our cycle, the better.

I hope you have a nice day, anon. And I apologise if it took me a while to get to this ask!

#PCOS #asks #anon asks #honey writes #female reproductive health #female reproductive system

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waywardsou2 · 2 months

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REALLY QUICK. I TAKE REQUESTS FOR MOOD BOARDS

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New master post because the old one is broken

About me!

Welcome to my blog! My name is Wayward (not irl obviously. Though I wish) Just some basic information *ahem* I'm transmasc, androgenous (masc leaning), omniflux (but mostly mlm). Kinda complicated, yeah, but aren't we all. My pronouns are He/Him (main) Xe/Xir (trialing neos) They/Them (for my more 'who cares about gender' mood). I haven an extensive list here 👉: Pronoun card.

Other random info about me :) I'm an aspiring author (my ao3 here 👈) and self-taught artist.

I have an TMNT AU I'm currently writing/designing. Find that here 👈

I'm also a Punk (in clothing and in ideologies and less so in music. yk just deal with it, it's the spirit that counts)

I'm also a monster fucker -I mean what? Who said that?

My beliefs are centered in Nordic Witchcraft, so no hate or I will bring down the might of Thor on your head. You've been warned. But if you are gonna play nice you can find me here 👈.

I'm quite odd so if that bothers you then don't stick around. I'm never in the mood to fight so don't even try it. Oh also, I'm an undiagnosed neurodivergent (probably autistic) and diagnosed with depression and anxiety. Although I'm pretty good now-a-days.

This blog is mainly for my shit posting, doom scrolling, fandom shenanigans, hyper fixations and it's my main. Everything else I do branches off into its own blog. Kinda like blog children. Bloglins you could even call them. (I'm coining that term. Mine now) My current hyper fixations are TMNT and HTTYD.

I LOVE GETTING ASKS. I have a few ask games I'm happy to do so I'll link them 👈. I usually answer within a day or two so please send them in. They are so much fun and I love interacting with communites . My DM's are also open if you just wanna chat in general or have any questions you want to ask not publically (for reasons).

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If you are an alter/non human follow me here

As I'm sure most of you can relate to this I really dont see why I need to say it but it's the internet so you can never be too careful. But I'm really attached to a lot of fictional characters from many franchises and if I ever post about them please be nice. Even if you dont like them or the potential discourse around them. Just be decent ok? They can be found here 👈

Now that I've told you about me there are some ground rules to go over for my corner of the internet.

No harassment, bullying, discourse or anything of that nature belongs here. This is a Peaceful blog alright? I dont want none of that shit 🫵

No terfs, no homophobes, no transphobes, no zoophiles, no pedofiles (you are not MAPS ok, fuck off), no incest shippers, no anti-lgbt of any kind, no bigots, no conservative Christians, no religion haters (there is a balance), or anti-alter humanity of any kind. I think you get the idea but if I get even a hint that any of you people are lurking you will get tossed out like the trash you are. IMMIDEITLEY 🖕

No dark jokes or snides at mental health, it's tough shit and people dont need any more negativity to deal with. I will fucking report you if you ever do anything of the sort on my blog.

And finally no drama or discourse. seriously no one has the time or energy for that esspecially me. Just dont ok? 👎

I have a few personal tags and may add more when need arises but if your looking for something in particular you may find them with these tags

#wayward rants

# wayward rambles

#wayward asks

#wayward rambles

# helpful reblogs

# waywards wallflower AU

#waywards art

!!!SHOUT OUT TO MY MOOTS!!!

@neonleons-posts @small-spiderpunkboy @fireflysquidsoup @ghosts-in-the-outfield @promiscuousbarnes @waywardsarah @corrupt-touch @dissapointedcreeper @regulusblackisamermaid

I have another Master Post type post so anything that isn't here will be there. It's kinda like a less detailed pt 2 to this post. You can find that here 👈. And if for some reason you want to see the old Master Post, I am gonna keep it up so you can find that here 👈

That's all for now folks hope you have fun whilst visiting my blog.

#welcome #welcome to my corner of the internet #welcome to my blog #punk #artists #writer #a03 #a03 writer #ao3 #tmnt #httyd #master post #pinned post #tmnt au #dni #lgbt #trans #safespace #alterhumanity

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wyrdify · 9 months

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This is not at anyone here. This is at the U.S. healthcare system, particularly as it relates to neurodivergent trans people. Rant below the cut.

So, back in April, I asked my med manager for a referral to get evaluated for autism. Said med manager does not do it herself since she doesn't do diagnoses, and neither does the facility she works at, so she referred me out. I was then told that the place will be in touch with me to get me scheduled, and this may take up to 6-12 months as they have a waiting list. But, I can check on that referral at any time by calling them. Cool.

More background information: I started taking Effexor more than a month ago (probably close to two months now) since Zoloft, my old anti-depressant, wasn't really working. I noticed that, on the 75 mg dose of Effexor, I sometimes experienced brain fog, muscle weakness, and other things I associated with my seizures. Effexor worked, but I felt it was also lowering my seizure threshold. Med manager, who prescribed the Effexor, told me to contact my neurologist about it since my neurologist handles my epilepsy. Fine. No problem. That usually isn't an issue.

I couldn't reach my neurologist. I called her office at least twice and had her medical assistant call me back, who promised me my neurologist would call me back. That never happened. So, I tried another method, which was MyChart. I sent a message to my neurologist there on July 6, and I never heard back. Nothing. I don't see her until the end of November, so now I need to try and basically move up my appointment just to get a basic question about a prescription answered. I schedule my appointments with her a year in advance, so I don't know how much luck I'll have there.

So, that's one fail of the U.S. Healthcare system. Let's move on to what happened yesterday and today.

Yesterday, I meet with my med manager to go over a few things. I bring a list with me because not only has it been about a month since I last saw her, but I wanted to get the ball rolling on a couple other things. I wanted to see if an evaluation for ADHD was separate from the one I was getting for autism, and I wanted to get a referral letter for top surgery. For those who've known me for a while, you've known I've lived with gender dysphoria since 2016-17. It's been a long time. I want to get that started now and not keep waiting around.

What she ended up telling me: an ADHD eval is part of the autism one I'm going to have since it's a full neuropsych eval. Okay, that makes sense. Cool. I move on to the next subject: top surgery. She tells me to go to a place in the city to talk to them about surgery. They don't do anything with top surgery. Yes, they do gender affirming healthcare, but I was specifically asking for a referral letter. I looked into what I needed for top surgery in my state before this appointment (not directly before, but days before). I need at least one letter from a mental health provider for it. Why did my med manager refer me to somewhere that doesn't do that and will likely just tell me to go back to her?

She said that she or my therapist, who works in the same facility, could write the letter, but still. STILL. She sent me to another place first. I am a trans person who doesn't need hormone therapy. I need top surgery. My gender dysphoria is well documented in their system. I checked. It became abundantly clear to me in that moment that she doesn't have many trans patients. At all. That facility in general probably doesn't considering the last med manager I had there was transphobic. Anyway.

Today: I called this morning to check on the status of my referral for the neuropsych eval. It turns out that they couldn't accept my referral because they don't have a specialist, so they sent it back for my PCP to handle (same facility as my med manager and my therapist). My med manager didn't see this at all. I'm not even sure she was looking at my chart to be honest. If she did, maybe she would've saw this and said, "Oh, I need to refer you to somewhere else or have your PCP do it." But no, I get to be back at square fucking one again. Because I couldn't ask my med manager to get that referral for a neuropsych exam. I had to go through my PCP to do it. Make it make sense.

I am so goddamn frustrated with this system. I'm just trying to take care of my health and be somewhat proactive about it, but I fucking can't. At this point, I don't know what to do. I might leave this facility all together and start over with a new PCP, new therapist, and new med manager. But, then I run the risk of not being in therapy for months, not seeing a med manager for months to a year, and not seeing a PCP for months to a year as well. And I'm in the middle of a med change too. Not only that, but I don't want to be a difficult patient or someone who just quits doctors or places willy-nilly. This is my third med manager, fourth therapist, and fourth PCP since I moved here nearly 10 years ago.

I don't know what to do. What the hell do I do? I want to cry, scream, rage. I hate this healthcare system so much.

#thewriter; post #tbd #long post tw #negative tw #medical tw #doctors tw #healthcare tw

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bottlecaprabbitgames · 1 year

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I would just like to say thank you for this story. It’s one of my favorite IFs. I struggle with both depression and anxiety and I usually read IF as a hobby to relax. MGT really helps with that. ❤️

Just the way you wrote the MC is something I really find appealing. Some of their personality traits they can have like their easy-going nature and this calm acceptance of the world around them like when asked what they want with their life ‘Idk never gave it much thought’ 😅 idk it’s hard to explain I just love them. Enjoying long walks alone, Having a bath with clothes on, (😆) odd sleeping schedule just those things that seem like they live in their own world 😊

Also I really love the POV of the RO this chapter. The way Freja reacted afterwards and started overthinking and analyzing everything is something I can def. relate to haha social anxiety sucks 😭😆

Thank you so much for enjoying it <3 And I can absolutely relate. With getting a therapist over the last two months, I've fully been diagnosed with both severe depression and severe C-PTSD, and now going for possible ADHD. After finding IFs in like 2018-2019, I also use them to help cope with things. I'm so, so happy to hear that my game, something I made, can help you in any way ;-;

Thank you!!! I actually feel like the MC of Mind Games is probably my most interesting character that I've created to date LOL Like... they're just... Yes, they'll have more variation in the future, but there's still things that each of them share across the playerbase, and it's just this innate quirkiness they have. I'm so glad you enjoy them <3

The RO POVs were A JOY to write. I am so glad I got to delve into Freja, to finally show some of the parts of her no one normally sees. Hell, the parts no one ever really sees. She is confident and sure of herself in business matters, but when it comes to interpersonal stuff... she falters. She's almost a completely different person, to some, even if it is still just her, but showing the vulnerable points.

SORRY, I TEND TO RABBLE ON! Thank you so much for this message, I'm ngl when I first read it after I woke up I nearly cried. I'm so glad I can provide any kind of enjoyment to people, and even more so if I can help people forget the pains of life, if only for a little while.

#messages #mind games #this one #this one really hit deep /sobs

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i-love-an-alcoholic · 7 months

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Why I was an addict

Anyone can become addicted to substances at any point in their lives, but there are some well known risk factors to it. Mental health problems, such as my companion borderline personality disorder, for example. I've often thought about this. If I had been more well-adjusted, had better friends and a different relationship with my family, would I ever had felt the need to use alcohol to cope? If I had better self-esteem would I ever have needed to blow lines to get that boost of self-confidence? Lots of whats and ifs.

From what I've gathered, substance abuse is a combination of learned behavior, existing mental health issues and unfortunate circumstances. There's also some debate about genetic disposition which I find very interesting, as there are other alcoholics in my family. After thinking about my own experiences I have a pretty good idea what caused me to become an addict.

I was definitely not one of the cool kids at school. I was bullied in elementary, but developed a thicker skin as I grew older and kind of embraced my reputation as the unpopular one, although I rarely felt good about myself. I mainly hung out with the other outcasts who weren't necessarily the best people to be around. I don't want to trash talk my parents, but they made some mistakes and my home life was not the best (they did not drink however, at least not in front of us). I was diagnosed with depression when I was 14, which turned out to be a developing BPD but my point is that I was not the most stable one. When I was a teen I became morbidly curious about decadence, drugs, mental instability and such, and began romanticizing that kind of life (just kick me, will you…).

I had no idea of what I wanted to do with my life once I became an adult, so I simply picked out a university I could easily get into and went with it. After that didn't work out I sort of ended up in a different program but never really stopped to think whether it was the right one for me. It wasn't, and it took several years of sunk cost fallacy to finally realize that. High-stress job was not good for my mental health either. After changing careers my stress levels went way down, along with the need to unwind by questionable means.

I also hung out with the wrong crowd. Shitty Boyfriend and his drug-seeking posse, and even my old friend J who was pretty much a functional alcoholic. They weren't bad people and I still consider some of them to be my friends but I've had to distance myself from those with the worst problems. Shitty Boyfriend was also shitty and turned a lot of our common friends against me. One of them has died of drug-related causes.

I had to gain control over my mental health, abandon my career, get out of a bad relationship, move away from my old life, finally learn to deal with my past and fix my relationship with my parents to conquer addiction. It was a lot of work and it's not over yet because of my BPD, but I think I've done pretty well. There's also S and his ongoing issues, but that's a battle I've voluntarily chosen, knowing very well what I was getting into (you may call me out on my taste of men…). Things are what they are right now, but I try to keep it positive. I've come a long way after all.

#i love an alcoholic #addiction recovery #recovery #healing #tw drugs #actually bpd #bpd

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kpopwerewolf · 10 months

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Introduction Post

So, I figured I probably should write this

SO! I'm a neurodivergent dragon (/lh /nsrs) that has a whole mess of conditions (described at the end of the post) and has a passion for reading, writing, fanfiction, languages, conlanging, animals, random factoids I'll never have an occasion to use, and mythical creatures! (Hence the "neurodivergent dragon.")

I don't like to give out my ""real"" name (by that i mean birth name) over the internet, but you can call me Skye because I like her (Agents of SHIELD tv show).

I made a tumblr account on accident, tbh. (I think i was trying to bypass a paywall??) But it works because I've been curious about joining for a while now.

Feel free to send me random factoids (especially about language or animals!) and anything conlang-related!

If you have any mythical creatures you want to share (either from pre-existing mythology or ones you just made up), I'll gladly welcome that, too!

The userboxes below are credited to @critter-stuff(link), @inclusysboxes(link), and @plural-this-user-is(link). (Sorry about the ping! If you want me to remove it, let me know!)

Our system-specific (and rather inactive) blog is @werewolf-pack-system(link)

We also started an emoji blog (mainly for aac purposes): @wolf-pack-emojis(link)

(Also, I'm not a minor, but please treat me as one in the manner of if you wouldn't send it to a minor, don't send it to me. I'm very sensitive and have some religious beliefs that make it awkward for me to see NSFW or related material.)

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[ID: a userbox that says "This system user alter and headmate interchangeably" //end ID]

[ID: a userbox that says "This system doesn't switch often" //end ID]

[ID: a userbox that says "This system does not participate on Syscourse." //end ID]

(information/discussion of neurodivergencies under the cut)

(Warning! CW self-harm and suicide; eating disorder mention; brief, vague mentions of unreality; potentially other triggering material)

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Sensory processing disorder

Diagnosed when i was about to enter 4th grade.

Lots of negative auditory triggers, with crowds beings sensory misery

LOVE SPINNING LOVE SWINGING [PT: love spinning love swinging //end PT]

Rain. Just... rain. Rain on my face, my arms, just rain all the time.

If i touch a Bad Texture(tm), i must immediately rub the after-touch feeling off my hand

I like going without socks, but only on carpet. If i walk on hard surfaces, then i start feeling grit under my feet and that's just not cool.

Pain and temperature sensitive

I have many stims, mostly proprioceptive (such as rocking [my fave!]), but also have a few visual and tactile stims as well. Fewer auditory stims, but i do use music to help me calm down after i get stressed

Anxiety

Was self-diagnosed for many years; got my official diagnosis a few years ago

Mix of social anxiety and GAD

Makes it hard for me to talk/initiate in conversations

Doesn't help i'm introverted

Depression

Comorbid with the anxiety

Was a bit of a surprise honestly (though i am a bit suicidal and have self-harmed)

Not really a whole lot to go here as i'm still working to understand my depression

PTSD

Diagnosed along with the anxiety

I don't personally see it, but i also kinda do

Diagnosed due to an incident that happened in 5th grade

(Public school is terrible, btw)

Also not a whole lot to go here as i don't really understand my PTSD either

Avoidant Personality Disorder

Also dxed with the anxiety

Don't know much about it, but having it has made me curious about personality disorders in general, so i hope to learn more in the future!

Synesthesia

I'm sure you've noticed the way each disorder has been colored. That's because I'm synesthesia color matching! (Word-color approximations)

I also have pain-color (mostly red; when it's magenta or pink, it's bad; i've only had white once and i hope to never have it again)

(Later edit: I'm now experiencing pain in my jaw that is orange. It's more mild than red, but also sorta worse somehow 'cause it lingers? That's not really the right word, but it's the closest I can come to)

Emotion-color

Ticker-tape (though this has sorta faded)

Chromesthesia/sound-color -- only certain sounds, though, primarily music. Each song has it's own "color" and i tend to align my music preferences along that (for example, i pefer "dark" songs [those that have a black background color] over "bright" songs [those that tend to have a white or similarly-bright colored background])

Associator. Sometimes wish i was a projector

Fascinated by all things synesthesia

Plurality

Syscovery occured in June 2023

We have non-disordered mixed traumagenic and endogenic origins (we don't like to use traumaendo for ourselves)

There are a little over 35 of us that we're aware of, but I (Skye) am the primary one to use this site :) (The others may make their own accounts if they're interested)

Schizotypal Personality Disorder

Confident enough now to officially say I'm self-diagnosing this one

I started thinking it was a possibility when I realized that I tend to have various paranoid ideations and delusions ((tw) such as thinking that the dogs barking as I'm walking home from the park are telling Them where i am [no clue who "Them" would be]), superstitious-like beliefs, and a distinct repulsion of anything social (separate from anxiety or AvPD; just a "i don't feel like dealing with people" kinda weariness)

Schizoid Personality Disorder

Confident enough to now name this one, too.

The things which make me question it include a strong need for isolation to regain energy, periods of finding everything boring and uninteresting, general vague distrust of others, and just a very intense repulsion of human interaction.

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Eating Disorder?

I've been dealing with something that (from what i've been able to find) looks a lot like ARFID, but I don't really know if i have it

I consider it more "ARFID questioning" i guess

One of the more concerning aspects of this is that I've started to become physically nauseous by the smell of food, even stuff I like. I eat much less than I should and have in the past, and if I try to eat more, I feel sick. I've tried talking to my mom about it, but she just tells me I need to eat at more regular times and all (lately, I've been skipping breakfast and waiting until ~2 in the afternoon to eat because it feels like if I get food any sooner, I'll be sick)

Advice on dealing with disordered eating would be very welcomed

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thornybushybrambles · 1 year

Note

You don’t have to answer this ask, by the way, I was just curious.

How did you realize you were homosexual and is your family accepting of your homosexuality? Lastly, what are your thoughts on compulsory heterosexuality—is it real, in your opinion?

It's hard to pinpoint a moment I realized I was gay. I grew up feeling way different from other kids. When I was little, my two best friends were boys and then at around age 7 or 8, I suddenly hated boys out of nowhere. I think I finally got sick of how obnoxious they would get with me and try to kiss me, and I had enough of that. This sparked a little era where I stopped being a tomboy in a very childish attempt to only be around or do things relating to girls. I was obsessed with girlhood and gender. I needed everything to be girly and sparkly, I started asking for Barbies to play with and grew my hair super long and I was gonna have so many BFFs to play with because the other girls won't pick on me anymore for being weird. I could not explain exactly where my female separatist epiphany came from, it wasn't a thought that appeared to me, I just ran full force into gender socialization for a couple years. I made charts detailing my classmates relationships and who had a crush on who, who was friends with who, stuff like this (sidenote: I've never been diagnosed with ASD and don't identify myself as such, but I've been told these are behaviors autistic girls will do as a masking attempt)

Around this time, I also had a girl cousin who was a bit older than me. Her and her friends liked to give me "makeovers", and I allowed this even though they would periodically burn me with curling irons or poke my eyes with mascara wands. I wanted to fit in. My cousin and I had a...weird relationship. She pressured me multiple times to get a boyfriend (never did), we would play games where I was her or her friend's "practice" boyfriend? And unfortunately, this was a major part of how I began realizing I was gay. I would play these same type of games with my girl friends, and it was sort of a sexual awakening for me. There's a lot of trauma involved in these early childhood years surrounding gender roles and sex and my interpretations of them. This got worse when I discovered pornography at age 9, which had the effect of sorta sky rocketing my innocent crushes on girls into sexual fantasies before I think I could really cope with that. I drew a lot of naked ladies and wrote depressing as fuck diary entries about how I was a dirty woman and a sinner. Having visuals also made me realize I was not attracted to male bodies whatsoever and any attempt on my part was completely artificial. I solidly considered myself a lesbian by age 11, though my gender performance would continue until I was 13. I stopped shaving, threw away my makeup, didn't wear dresses anymore, and then a year later cut my hair short, and that's how it's been since!

So, I guess given all these things, I can't not believe compulsory heterosexuality is a thing. It clearly was for me when I was a child, and then to a lesser extent in my preteen years when I knew I was gay but felt the need to "keep up appearances" to fit it. So I think if you don't have a very strong sense of self, and a huge social pressure to act a certain way, you can be manipulated into pretty much anything to keep yourself safe from harm. Even if that act will also cause you harm. But if you're talking about like, having celebrity crushes or the desire to sleep with a man, I would not consider that comphet, so that's prob where the whole discourse comes from I'd imagine.

My parents are supportive now, but when I came out at 12 it was a whole huge thing. I always thought that was odd because my mother was never homophobic before me. My maternal grandmother was a late bloomer lesbian and immersed her in gay culture as a kid. But you know, I guess it's different when it's your own kid. They thought I was too young, that I had been molested, that they failed as parents. My grandparents gave me books that compared gay people to pedophiles and beastiality and cheerfully reminded me if I ever wanted, there were very nice doctors who could help me with my affliction. People were so quick to pathologize the innocent part of my innate sexuality, that all the actual baggage around it got swept under the rug. But it's gotten better, my parents accept me now, my grandparents do too, after a bit more time. Though I can't help but mention for a couple years after I came out, my dad would tell me "it's okay if you're gay, but you know, you don't have to be one of those butchy dykes who shaves her head or anything." Proud to announce I have done that very thing three times now LOL. They still pretend I'm that sweet, girly little kid though, but that's a topic for a different day.

Hope I didn't get too TMI or wordy for you anon, my coming out story is a bit of sad tale 💚

#using tumblr as my diary again #ask

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tuiyla · 1 year

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Sorry if this has been asked. There has been a lot of posts about mental ilness and behavioural issues and there have been quite a few good points for blaine and Brittany being on spectrum and I was wondering do you think any other character had mental ilness and behavioural issues? For example Quinn seemed to have depression and baby blues and some other issues likely caused by parents alchaloism and pill popping that was hinted at

Hasn't been but even if it had, no need to apologize Anon! In case anyone asks something that's been covered I just link to it :) or add new thoughts because I always have those lol. Disclaimer that I'm not an expert of any kind on anything psychology related (or otherwise) so these are just fandom thoughts.

I've also read posts about Rachel being on the spectrum but can't find those rn, sorry, and here's a two-parter about Santana and ADHD. I'd say I agree with that though I can't add much to it.

I'd say Quinn for sure had some flavour of post-partum depression that she repressed for a year until her menty b in New York and subsequent skank era. In general she definitely strikes me as someone who struggles with depression. The Fabrays' issues are, whew, a big topic but yeah that probably affected her too.

I think anxiety isn't too much of a stretch for Tina since she was so socially nervous she invented a stutter for herself. Blaine is an anxious little bean too. Again I'm not qualified in any way to diagnose and they're fictional but that's my guess.

I would also consider some kind of depression for Santana but my main thing with her is anger issues, so more on the behavioural side. (There I go reminding myself of that Quinntana post ooops.) That could also just be a manifestation of ADHD and I wouldn't rule out ODD with her, but that's really getting into the science of diagnosing fictional characters. Bottom line is her anger issues definitely are actual Issues that, in my ideal world, she eventually goes to therapy to talk about.

I think that's about as deep as I thought about it. I think the most compelling case is for sure Quinn and depression, most probably post-partum. She never got to really process that. I'm generally not one to actually label characters, I more just analyze and discuss symptoms since that's where our story is but yeah there's a case to be made with lots of Glee chs.

#glee asks #anon #cw mental health #just in case

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xxlovelynovaxx · 1 year

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Hate when disorders are defined by unhealthy and toxic behaviors rather than a person struggling internally with thoughts and feelings (from urges to do toxic behaviors to just simply suffering from the thing the disorder is actually about).

Like... okay, here's an example. BPD. I have textbook BPD. I also very rarely ACT unhealthy or toxic. I won't say never, because I've gotten badly triggered and been an asshole, but even then I'm able to mitigate those behaviors to a significant degree form what my brain tries to tell me to do.

Then ofc there's the textbook example NPD. Which is more about... basing your entire self-esteem on other people's opinions of you. Get this. I was depressed for YEARS because I was so terrified of people thinking of me as "arrogant" that I never allowed myself to think anything good about myself. That's quite literally how my depression originally started. (And yes, I also have NPD).

Or another example. Reading the symptoms of OLD (which isn't in the DSM-V, but whatever), I relate to EVERY symptom that has to do with feelings and NONE of the ones that have to do with actions. Because I recognize what would be unhealthy in a relationship and have worked to make sure that my own feelings never harm my partner.

I wonder if the ableist pop psych "people with cluster B PDs can't get better" is just because people think those PDs are about other people's experiences of someone with a PD and not the pwPDs internal experience. As in, someone with a PD who DOESN'T have toxic behaviors* doesn't have/no longer has a PD in their eyes.

*As in, someone who never did or someone who did but grew as a person. For me my NPD never manifested as hurting anyone (except myself), so the first; while my BPD did cause some toxic behaviors to general people around me (but I was able to work on them, especially once I left my abuser).

Anyway, it's very autism warrior mom energy, speaking as someone with autism. Like, "your disorder/mental illness/neurotype is about ME and the way *I* experience your behavior and not how you literally live with it". I wonder if cluster B ableists recognize that they're doing that. That they're going "oh woe is me it's so HARD to be around people with these disorders because they're not in control of their behaviors" (something I've literally heard about cluster B PDs) "and act out so much and I'm such a SAINT for dealing with it at all".

This is putting aside the massive hypocrisy of these people (whose behavior towards pwclusBPDs is EXACTLY like their pop psych definition of "narcissism/sociopathy/psychopathy/borderline/etc" - they forget that others like HPD exist most of the time). Or that these people not only are abusive but in many of the same ways as the abusers that gave us the PDs in the first place (many people with PDs report they are traumagenic, though I don't want to make a sweeping statement that they always are tbc).

Anyway point being, my PD isn't really ABOUT you. And since quite literally no one, including the ableists I've corrected, have ever even SUGGESTED I might have any of the PDs I've been diagnosed with (to me OR anyone close to me)... it's very telling that it's not. I bet if I told them they'd behave the way radfem lesbians do when one of their own comes out as transmasc (suddenly labeling everything toxic masculinity/narcissism/borderline/etc), but if you literally can't tell who ACTUALLY has cluster B PDs and are just armchair diagnosing anyone who is toxic...

Yeah.

#actually borderline #BPD #borderline #actually bpd #actually npd #NPD #OLD #cluster b #cluster b pds #actually cluster b #autistic #actually autistic #obsessive love disorder #ableism #'but it's not a disorder if it doesn't cause dysfunction'#do you know what dysfunction means. do you realize that distress can also qualify something as a disorder. also shut up forever

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aspd-culture · 1 year

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I really don't want to being this up with my therapist so I kinda wanted to vent here and ask you if this sounds like aspd.

Kinda a disclaimer I have Aspergers, ADHD and depression diagnosed as well as trauma from being hospitalised (psych ward) quite young also big ass trigger warning

The thing is I relate heavily to all if the symptoms like I can place them personally onto myself and things I do.

I've been a serial liar since I was child, ppl irl even now don't ken the the real me I've spun a web of lies ab myself, nothing of great grandeur, just to cover up the tracks of things I don't want ppl to know as well as I enjoy lying frankly

I have low empathy, i always kinda have done. I've never really felt that pain I just can't muster the energy to give a fuck, I really don't fucking care, like that's a you problem it doesn't concern me nor does it threaten me so I don't care.

I've never felt remorse for my actions I feel like if I harm someone, lie, or manipulate them they kinda deserve it and ik that they probably didn't but they hurt me or they hurt my image or my reputation so they have to pay, they have to know that I have that power over them.

I often get violent urges and thoughts, most of the time in the form of a day dream if sorts. TW but I really wanna beat someone into a pulp esp if they thought I was weak or they doubted me/angered me. I often ponder the question to myself that if I did kill or harm someone like that would I feel something or would I get a similar feeling to when I fantasize ab it, would it scar me for life? Would I realise I was wrong? I mostly do this to try ground myself as I've gotten in some rlly nasty fights before because it ended up being all I could think about.

I've broken the law many times either through selling, buying or doing drugs. Shoplifting and pickpocketing (haven't been caught yet ab any of these ones) as well as multiple charges of assault.

I lie to people I consider my friends about caring ab their problems or opinions and I can't keep friends for particularly long unless their drug buddies

However I think I can feel love in a romantic/sexual sense but I think most of my past relationships have been nothing but obsession mixed with the fact I like having someone who cares that much ab me and I like having a lot of sex. Like I need you to be mines, if they even mention they find another person attractive then i just want to fucking maim someone. You can only be mines until I get bored of you. Then as soon as I get bored all feelings towards them cease and I gotta fake that I'm upset.

I do a lot of things that are considered "morally bankrupt" according to my therapist but I always feel like I'm not a bad person, I just can't let people know I do bad person things.

Sorry for the vent

Alrighty gotta start this off with a real quick boundary about a term you used. Please do not use the term Asperger's when talking to me (ideally, not at all). It is a literal N*zi's name. I also hate the aspie supremacy aspect of it, but honestly that's not my main issue with it, my main issue is that term literally means "not disabled enough by their autism to be gassed so let's give them to our freakshow n*zi doctor so he can experiment on them until they die that way". Thanks. /nmay just frustrated by the use of the term. I know not everyone knows.

That said, I am still ok with answering the rest of the ask for you. I cannot diagnose you, and anything I say here is really just info I'd advise you to take to your therapist, not a way of avoiding talking to them about it.

One major part of ASPD that you didn't mention at all in your ask is disregard for safety/wellbeing of yourself; you just mentioned others. PwASPD not only have trouble avoiding putting others in danger, but themselves too. We tend to get ourselves into situations we can't easily get out of, start fights we know we can't win or haven't considered if we could win, etc.

Another big thing that I noticed in your ask is an egocentric way of thinking and speaking that is not super common in ASPD. Arrogance is an associated trait, but usually people I've talked to with ASPD have a more complicated relationship with the justification for the things they do (justifying to yourself to avoid responsibility is actually a symptom of ASPD) as well as with their self-esteem. That said, many of the symptoms you're talked about here definitely do seem to match up with some of the criteria...

I wonder if it's possible you relate to the symptoms of either just NPD or both ASPD and NPD? I am by no means an expert in NPD and I don't know you particularly well but just answering basing off of the wording of your ask and such I would advise you do research into that as well as ASPD. They can be comorbid. In fact, because the way that cluster b disorders develop are all relatively similar (trauma and failure to develop a secure attachment style), it's somewhat common to have more than one of them.

I hope this helps.

#tw asperger #tw ableist language #tw ableist term #tw n zi #tw n zi mention #tw antisemitism #aspd-culture-is #aspd culture is #aspd culture #actually antisocial #actually aspd #antisocial personality disorder #aspd #aspd awareness #aspd traits #npd #anons welcome #tw violence mention #tw violent thoughts

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