#let me achieve closure from this shit show after writing this

[hirakdesherrani]

Break: A Svetlana/Gauri (SvetRi) story

*This is pile of trash. I’m no writer, this is just the result of some major frustration, because I made the mistake of reading the episode updates. Hopefully, after this I’ll get the monkey of IB off my back*

Tired. Yes, that’s what she was feeling. Weary, exhausted, worn-out. Not from physical work, though planning a wedding could be tiring. No, it was something else. Not some things, many things. Oh, so many things, so many thoughts, which she had been keeping at bay, just surrounded her this morning. So, once the morning drama was done, she surreptitiously made her way out of the Oberoi Mansion. Its not like someone would notice. And that was part of the problem.

She believed that her Shakarji was always with her, wherever she went. Still, the thought of visiting the temple always made her happy. After all, she practically grew up in the environs of the big temple in Bareilly. So, here she was leaning on the pillar in one corner of the Shiv temple, sitting down and contemplating her fate.

Why today of all days she felt the strong urge to commune with God she didn’t know. Maybe because two days hence it would be one year of her marriage to Omkaraji, the man Shankarji had chosen for her. Or maybe because yesterday, he disappeared for the whole night but he did not think it was important to inform his wife where he went or why.

Gauri was no fool; she knew this had something to do with Bade Bhaiyaa and Bhaujaai’s plan. Of course, Omkara ji and Rudy Bhaiyaa were part of it. Some part of Gauri’s mind was relieved that she wasn’t a part of this silly plan, which involved her Bhaujaai dressing up as a woman from the village. She told herself that its alright that they didn’t include her in their plans, Bade Bhaiyaa, Bhaujaai, Omkara ji and Rudy Bhaiyaa knew each other from way back and they had a much older, stronger bond.

But a stronger voice told her that it was wrong on Omkaraji’s part to hide things from her. To treat like she was till a stranger in his life. The other woman. Suddenly a memory flashed in front of her eyes: Omkaraji accusing her of having an affair with Ajay, because of those unexplained disappearances. Those periods when she used to attend English classes secretly. Yesterday, he disappeared for an entire night. What should she make of that? What should she make of all those times when he disappeared without telling her? Should she also suspect him of cheating on her?

She knew that he was planning with his brothers and sister-in-law, but he didn’t know that she knew. Wasn’t it his duty to tell her? Or did he expect her to understand him without telling her anything? She couldn’t believe this was happening to her again. Again the burden was on her to understand him, only this time she did understand him, she knew he was doing it for his family, but why couldn’t he tell her? Just for once talk to her.

Gauri was feeling miserable now. Not that she had been feeling anything else since she returned from Bareilly. One after the other, some new issue had been unfolding. She had lost count of what all happened since she returned. Not that there hadn’t been any moments of joy, but they were too far and few between. She longed to share her feelings with someone. With her Annika Bhaujaai. Bhaujaai would be able to understand her, and maybe help her out. After all, Bhaujaai had also faced rough patches in her relationship. But here again there was a problem; there was no escaping Bhavya. She almost felt guilty for thinking this, but if Gauri had to be honest with herself, she didn’t like Bhavya tagging along with her and Bhaujaai all the time. Bhavya was her friend, no doubt, but the almost-sisterly bond Gauri shared with her Bhaujaai, that was something different. Bhavya did not invite her confidence in relationship matters. And her presence meant that Gauri could not confide in Anika Bhaujaai.

Anyways, there was no point thinking about all this, because currently Bhaujaai was busy imitating someone from the North Indian hinterlands. And it was such a poor imitation, but Gauri was too sweet to discourage it. So, here she was, alone, reflecting the mess that her life had become. Its not that her life was wonderful before she met Omkaraji. No, it was difficult even then; standing up to the torture of her greedy chaacha-chaachi, taking care of her ill mother, struggling to keep their family afloat, none of it had been easy. But Gauri was a born fighter. She fought against all that, she fought against Kali Thakur, she fought against Svetlana, against Buamaa, and she fought against her Omkaraji too, in a way. All alone, always alone. But at least she knew what she was doing.

That’s exactly where the problem lay. Since she had returned from Bareilly, she felt like she was just an audience viewing everything happening around her from the outside. She felt like she was just a pawn in some pathetic game, in fact, she felt below than a pawn. She felt like she had no agency in what was happening to her.

********

Agency, that word seemed so alien to her. No one would think that she would come here. After all, why would Svetlana, the woman who could almost tweak science, come to a place of worship? But it seemed that she had no choice in the matter. For the first time in life, Svetlana was pulled against her will to enter the premises of a temple. Svetlana did not believe in god, or indeed, anything supernatural. But she just couldn’t resist the urge to come to this place. Like she had no agency.

But then again when had she had any agency? When was the last time that she did something just because she wished to? As far as she could remember, the foremost thing on her mind was taking revenge on the Oberois. That was her central mission, and everything other action in her life was dedicated to that. Its like she was a robot with only one agenda on mind and every other action of hers, were just ancillary actions, leading up to her mission.

As far back as she could remember her mother had instilled a feeling of revenge in their hearts. Svetlana being the eldest was almost fed on that revenge. Of course, being the eldest, the prime responsibility of taking revenge also fell on her. Svetlana had dedicated her life to this mission. While Tia was happily pondering about the universe, Svetlana devoted her time to science and business, as much as she could, to defeat the Oberois. She had come a long way in acquiring knowledge and learning through experience. Along the way, she would recollect some unsavory experiences as well, but Svetlana did what was necessary to survive, and she never reflected upon her actions.

She was recovering from another checkmate of the Oberois. It was almost humiliating now, how the Oberois managed to outsmart her, sometimes by sheer luck. The recent drama at the auction was still stinging her. Her temporary exit did not derail their plans however, because her cousin Veer was there to take care of the Oberois. Veer was probably the closest to Svetlana, when it came to their interests; both understood the value of science in their lives. However, Veer was boring, and not to mention had a certain streak of depravity, which made Svetlana privately grateful that he was dealing with the Oberois for now, because she needed a break from their stupidity. Her thoughts went back to how she would always come close ruining them, but get thwarted at the last moment. She remembered the time when she almost married Omkara, the second grandson of the family, and the stupidest of the three brothers. Sentimental fools are always the easiest to trap. But then his so-called wife entered the scene and ruined her plans. Gauri, oh how she made a fool out of Svetlana for months.

Maybe her imagination was too strong, but Svetlana was shocked for a moment to see that girl, Gauri, sitting on the temple floor. She took a closer look and realized that she wasn’t hallucinating; Gauri was actually sitting there.

********

Gauri was staring into space, when a familiar voice penetrated through the fog of her thoughts.

“Regretting our life decisions, are we?”

Gauri looked up to see Svetlana standing over her, smirking slightly.

“You better take off your heeled sandals in the temple. People might not like it.” Gauri said idly.

“And you may not save me like last time?” replied Svetlana. For a moment, Gauri was confused about what she was talking about, then she remembered the first time she and Svetlana met, and how Gauri had almost rescued Svetlana from the furious autowaalahs.

“I didn’t do it for your benefit. I overheard you while you were on the phone. You wanted a servant and I wanted a job. So, I thought this would work out well for me.” replied Gauri.

“I thought as much. You and I aren’t very different.” Svetlana smirked.

“What do you mean?” Gauri’s interest was piqued now.

“Well, its not like you are the Sati Savitri you portray yourself. You duped Omkara and his entire family into believing that you are boy for months. You played with their emotions by faking your pregnancy. And its not that your hands don’t have blood on them.” sneered Svetlana.

“What are you saying?” Gauri almost shouted, curiosity and a slight fear now mixed with her voice.

“Keep your voice down, you don’t want people to find out that you killed Kali Thakur, now do you?” asked Svetlana

“How do you know about that?” asked Gauri, now brimming with curiosity.

“After my history with Kali Thakur and his unexpected re-entry in my life, I would be a fool not keep tabs on him. I value my life.” said Svetlana

“Well, if you did keep tabs on him, then you would also know that I stabbed him in self-defense. And coming back to the Oberois, even if I did fool them, it was to save Omkara ji’s life, to save his family from the likes of you and Buamaa.” Gauri replied, with confidence now that her curiosity had been satisfied. “Its our intentions that define our actions, and not our actions alone. All I did, was always for Omkaraji’s good.”

“The same Omkara, who is so absorbed in his duty to his brothers, that he does not know his wife is here shedding tears?” chided Svetlana

The taunt hit too deep. “What are you doing here anyways? Shouldn’t you be in prison?” Gauri tried to deflect Svetlana’s taunts.

“I thought you knew me well by now, Gauri. No prison can keep Svetlana locked for long.” Svetlana laughed “Don’t try to avoid the question. So, Omkara indeed does not know that you are here lamenting your fate. This is hilarious. After all that you have done for him, put your life in jeopardy, even at my hands, he does not care to find out where his wife is?” sneered Svetlana even more.

“Shut up! Omkaraji trusts me, and I trust him. I have full vishwaas on him.” Gauri tried to fight back bravely.

“Oh really? Then lets test your vishwaas, shall we? Why don’t you stay here some time longer, and see if Omkara comes looking for you?” Svetlana asked

Gauri was struck by this question. Curiously what impacted her was not whether Omkara would come looking for her or not; but whether he knew where to look for her in the first place.

“What happened? No answer? Are you worried that he won’t look for you? Or are you worried that he wouldn’t even know where to start?” Svetlana chided further.

Gauri looked up at her; shocked that Svetlana of all people could guess what she was thinking.

Svetlana looked down at her, and the answer was clearly reflected in Gauri’s eyes. Curiously Svetlana did not feel like laughing at Gauri’s fate.

****** Dusk was approaching now, but no Omkara was in sight. Idly, Gauri thought that she was right, he didn’t know where to find her, and her mind went back to the time when they both were practicing for Dhurindhar’s questions, and Omkaraji did not remember her favorite dish was daal chaawal, even though she remembered his. Even though they had spent so much time together when she was in her Chulbul disguise, he knew nothing about her. Then again Omkaraji had promised that Chulbul was his best buddy, and yet he had left to die at Kali’s hand or worse, when the veil of Chulbul was lifted. And there, it happened again.

The entire day, wave after wave of unhappy thoughts and memories were crashing upon Gauri. She was plagued with negative thoughts, and she couldn’t run from the truth anymore. Omkaraji did not care for her, at least, not in the same way that she did.  Or not to the same extent that she did. It shouldn’t matter that he didn’t care for her the same way; after all, didn’t Gauri believe that love should be like Meera’s devotion to Krishn? She remembered how confidently she had told her future Bhaujaai on the phone, when they spoke for the first time. “Hum jise chaahe uska milna zaroori kaha hai? Hum toh chahne bhar se khush hai.”  But then she also learnt the hard way that a one-sided relationships don’t work.

“Abhi mohabbat karni hai, humein hamaare hisse ki.” Words, just empty words. What more to expect from a poet? Words are all that he could give, but his actions spoke otherwise. Its not like he didn’t care for her at all, but since they returned, there was one crisis or another that befell their family. But Bade Bhaiyaa had to face those crises too, yet Bade Bhaiyaa could manage to be an excellent elder brother, and an Ishqbaaaz’. Anika bhaujaai was so loved; it was evident in Bade Bhaiyaa’s eyes how much he wanted her.

Omkaraji just wasn’t like that. He just wasn’t an Ishqbaaaz like his elder brother.  Heck, he wasn’t even a normal husband. And not for the first time in her life, Gauri felt unwanted, unloved. Gauri was aware that she was beautiful in an objective kind of way. She didn’t think much of it though, because more often than not it was the root cause of unwelcome attention, the worst example of which was Kali Thakur. But it pinched her that her husband never noticed her. She was invisible to his eyes. Okay, maybe not invisible but she was definitely only a reactionary figure in his life. He did stand up for her, but only when something happened like when Papaji did her shraadh. That particular memory still hurt her. Not so much because of what Papaji did, but more so because Jahnvi Maaji, did nothing to stop him. The same woman, whose life Gauri saved twice, and not just her life, but her marriage too. Gauri shouldn’t be surprised at Omkaraji’s ungratefulness. It seems that he had inherited it from his mother.

Maybe Gauri was being unkind. Omkaraji must have done something for her willingly. Nothing came to Gauri’s mind. Desperately now, Gauri struggled to find one instance when Omkaraji had done something of his accord for her. Yes! He came to Bareilly as Dilpreet to make up to her. But another stronger voice nagged in her head that maybe that was out of guilt, to make up for his mistake. Gauri thought harder.

He was so sad when that painting of hers was auctioned. But maybe that was because the painting signified the rebirth of his art, and not because it was her painting. He did credit her for being his inspiration. Another thing, in the long list of things, that Gauri had done for Omkara. And here it was again. That feeling. That Gauri had given her everything to a man in the past one year, who did not even care for her enough to tell her the truth of what’s going on his life. To make her the part of his life. To come looking for her, when she’s been missing for an entire day.

She looked at Shankarji’s idol. She had always trusted her Shankarji to know the best for her, which is why she never questioned her marriage to Omkaraji. She never hesitated in performing her duties to that marriage because she believed that Shankarji joined their fates, so who was she to deny the responsibilities that came with it? She never expected of Omkara to upkeep his side of the marriage. Only wanted some trust from his side. He finally gave her the reason to trust him in Bareilly, he made promises to give her what was her due, as his wife. But he reneged on his word.

Did Shankarji make a mistake?

********

Svetlana did not know why she was sitting here. Like in her entire life, she could not have come up with a worse way to waste time, than sitting next to the wife of her enemy. She could be doing better things, like plotting her next scheme to ruin the Oberois. And there it was again, the same thought. The Oberois, always thinking about ruining the Oberois. Its like nothing else occupied her mind than the hundred and one ways to ruin that family of idiots. Her entire life, she could have achieved so much more, but no, it always ‘badla’ and ‘barbaadi’. But right now, nothing and no one could look more ‘barbaad’, more devastated then the girl sitting opposite her. Gauri took no notice of her, because it was as clear as day on her face that right now, the girl was going through an existential crisis, that her life was crashing around her.

Svetlana was feeling this strange emotion in her heart. She didn’t know what it was, mostly because she thought she didn’t possess a heart. She tried really hard to put a name to the contortions in her heart, which she was experiencing. Leading an almost mechanical existence her entire life, putting a name to her feelings was one of the most difficult tasks she’s ever come across. Finally she came up with a word to her emotions: Pity. Svetlana pitied the girl sitting before her. Yes, she pitied Gauri.

“Are you done moping?” said Svetlana, trying to sound irritated.

“Why are you still here? To enjoy the downfall of your enemy?” countered Gauri

“Are you my enemy? The Oberois are my enemy, but what is the cause for our feud? If I’ve done anything against you, its just collateral damage.” said Svetlana.

“Collateral damage? Right, like I was for your sister Tia?” asked Gauri, with a slight smile

Svetlana was stumped. “How did you know she was my sister?”

“I know that Tia is not blind. And the only way she could fool that doctor, was with chemicals, which no one but you could have provided her. And why would you help her? Why would she plot against the Oberois when she was so grateful to Bade Bhaiyaa and Bhaujaai? Only if you two were related.” guessed Gauri.

“Hmm, you are smart. Why are you wasting your time with that sentimental idiot, Omkara?” asked Svetlana

“Ek jhaap mein deewar pe sat jaaibe! Just because I’m disappointed with him, or sitting here talking to you, it doesn’t mean that I would listen to nonsense about him, least of all from you” replied Gauri angrily.

“Itna pyaar? And for that person who still hasn’t bothered to find out where you are?” sneered Gauri.

“Not love, devotion.” replied Gauri.

“Devotion to the person who doesn’t deserve it?” sneered Svetlana

And she hit the nail with it. Gauri had realized when she walked away from Omkara that day, after the fiasco at the hotel that Omkara wasn’t deserving of her devotion. And there she was learning English to impress him. How Gauri regretted that now. She, who was always proud about her origins, succumbed to her insecurities, which she never had before meeting him. That’s what he had reduced her to: an insecure shell of her former glorious self. After she walked away from him, she promised that she would never change herself for anyone like that again. But then why was she here in the temple today, cursing her fate? Because she tried to be every bit the supporting wife and bahu of the house. And what did she get in return for that? A father-in-law who performed her funeral rites and a husband who was out there gallivanting with his brothers and sister-in-law, forgetting that he had a wife too.

Svetlana saw Gauri’s form shrinking, and felt a little guilty for how her words pierced her.

“Oh c’mon. Get up. Do something about it if you are so upset. Fight him back, make him rue treating you like this.” said Svetlana.

“And what purpose will it serve? He hurts me I hurt him. I push back harder, causing no one more grief than myself, and everyone around me a lot of headache.” said Gauri.

“So, that’s what you think of Shivaay and Anika’s relationship?” taunted Svetlana, with a laugh.

Svetlana caught Gauri’s hand in time, because Omkara was one thing, but Gauri would not hear a word against her Bade Bhaiyaa and Bhaujaai, and hand her rose in reflex to reply to Svetlana’s words.

“Don’t even think about it.” Svetlana said with chill in her voice. She calmed herself, and continued, “Think harder, isn’t your Bade Bhaiyaa and Bhaujaai’s relationship exactly like this?”

Gauri was reminded of how both Shivaay and Anika got engaged to Ragini and Vikram only to show their famous ‘tadi’. And she was not totally unaware of their relationship’s origins. In the last three months, when Omkara was ignoring her (unintentionally of course), she ended spending a lot of time with the servants of the house. They were friendly with her, since they knew her from her Chulbul days. Svetlana was right. Yes, Bade Bhaiyaa and Bhaujaai’s ishqbaazi warmed her heart, but that kind of relationship was unhealthy in its own way, and involved a lot of understanding on her Bhaujaai’s part. Just like her own relationship where all the share of understanding fell on her shoulders while Omkaraji never fulfilled his side of the relationship.

Svetlana released Gauri’s hand, once she saw her shoulders drooping. Comprehension showed in Gauri’s eyes.

“If you are not going to do anything about your situation, then are going to go back to him?” asked Svetlana

“I don’t know what I want to do.” replied Gauri.

“How about doing something you like?” asked Svetlana, amazed at herself, for even asking this. “What do you like doing?”

Gauri answered immediately without thinking, “I’d love to watch a Salman Khan movie.”

“Then lets go catch one in the theatre.” Svetlana said that almost against her own volition.

Gauri was shocked too. Here she was fraternizing with the enemy? But wait, Svetlana was not her enemy, not anymore.

“Lets go then” Gauri replied, with a slight smile.

Svetlana was the enemy of the Oberois.

******* Svetlana knew beforehand that she would regret her decision. It was not happening to her for the first time. Svetlana pondered idly that why was she always hanging out with her sautans? There was that one time when she was hainging out with Jahnvi, when they had supposedly killed Tej. And now this.

Gauri was excited beyond belief. It had been so long since she watched a Salman Khan film. The last time was before she……no, she wouldn’t think about that now. She would enjoy the movie. There was the usual message on the screen to switch off one’s mobile phones. Which is when Gauri realized that she didn’t bring her phone with her at all. What if….? No, she wouldn’t think about that. She focused her attention back to Tiger Zinda Hai. Unlike many of her friends, Gauri loved the idea of sequels. She loved to see another half of the story. There was always more to tell, more to a character. There was always a second innings to be played.

Svetlana was distinctly embarrassed. She was trying her best to ignore Gauri’s overenthusiasm over the show. Failing that, she was pretending that she doesn’t know her. The movie was obviously not up to Svetlana’s taste. Then again, when was the last time she had seen a movie. The only video she remember playing again and again was the Kalyani Mills video, which turned out to be an error. She felt a headache coming on, but seeing Gauri so joyous, she shut her eyes and gave in. What was wrong with her? She, Svetlana, who had always manipulated people, was being manipulated by some unseen force.

The movie finished some three hours later, but Gauri’s antics did not. Her silly kampat trick was drawing a lot of attention, but Gauri didn’t seem to take notice of that. Svetlana was rolling her eyes continuously at this nonsense, but also, for some reason felt a strong urge to laugh. Something’s definitely wrong with her.

They returned to the temple. Svetlana faced Gauri.

“What are you planning to do now?”

Gauri thought for a moment. The corner stone of Gauri’s life had been vishwaas. But Omkaraji had let her down. He did not trust her with his life’s goings-on. He did not think Gauri was an important enough to share his life with her. She was still an outsider to his life. Did Gauri want to go back to him? And if she didn’t, would that mean abandoning her beliefs, and the person her Shankarji had chosen for her?

But her Shankarji had also pulled her to the temple today. He ensured that she met Svetlana, and undertook an honest evaluation of her life. Maybe this was a sign from her Shankarji, that the man he chose for his devotee was not good enough for her. Maybe this was a sign that Shankarji was showing her way out.

“I want a break.” Gauri replied. “I’m unsure what I want, but one thing I don’t want is to go back to man who is not ready to be honest with me, to trust me, and to reciprocate the vishwaas I have in him. I’m not ready to go back to the family, which still treats me like an outsider. I want to play my second innings.”

Curiously, Svetlana understood what she meant. She wanted a break too. A break from an endless pursuit of the Oberois. Let Veer deal with them, she needed a break.

“So, where do you want to go?” Svetlana asked casually.

“You coming?” Gauri asked, not really surprised.

“I could use a break too.” replied Svetlana with a slight smile. “So, how about Goa?” asked Svetlana.

Gauri remembered the past three months and all the drama that happened. Svetlana looked at Gauri’s horrified expression.

“Chill, I was just kidding.” Svetlana answered, amused by Gauri’s reaction.

And just like that, both the women broke into a genuine, peal of giggles.  

*************

#Pray for me! #let me achieve closure from this shit show after writing this #still lots better than what the writers dole out #I don't know what came over me #gauri kumari sharma #svetlana kapoor #SvetRi FTW #Rikara #Ishqbaaaz #Ishqbaaz #my stuff #my fanfic

[oswinsdolma]

Yes, it's nearly 2.00am (because that's apparently the only time I have inspiration to write essays) but I've been thinking a lot about this lately and wanted to get it off my chest, so here you go:

The main goal of Merlin becomes disturbingly fractured along the way, which opens up the gaps for the prophecy to seep through instead of following the expected channels, but it can essentially be boiled down to three key elements 1) build albion; 2) decriminalise magic and 3) save Arthur, but when all is said and done, we never really see any of those objectives achieved.

Now, there are a few reasons for this, both from a writing perspective and a plot perspective. The first, and one of the most obvious, is that this show loves irony. I won't go into a lot of detail here because I've already written a whole ass essay in this very subject, but in a nutshell, you can look at this from two perspectives: firstly, it's important to establish that this technique is purely about the angst: it's the writers' way of provoking a reaction from an anguished audience, but it's foreshadowed just enough to make it more painful than it is shocking. Alternatively, there is the more plot motivated irony in that it genuinely makes a good story. Irony is a technique that has been used for thousands of years, not just because it provokes a reaction from the audience, but because it allows you to explore your characters in greater detail than before, riddling them with hidden juxtapositions and internal conflicts that are never resolved quite in the way you expect. The irony in Merlin is the epitome of this, with the whole motif of Arthur needing to die for his reign to begin. It is a classic example of the simultaneous despair and hope that mocks you from the shadows.

Following this, there is another force at play that deals with half truths and seemingly imperfect contradictions, and that's prophecy. It's not really a secret that I have very strong feelings about prophecy and its effects on all the characters, Merlin in particular, and the fact that fate and destiny are such key themes in Merlin both makes perfect sense and wants me to smash my head into a brick wall. Prophecies are another common trope that often go hand in hand with irony (think Oedipus Rex, Macbeth, The Iliad, all that doomed hero shit that I inexplicably adore), the key to their influence over the plot often lying in how they usually come true in the most unexpected of ways. This links back to that initial theme of irony, but this isn't what makes me angry: what is infuriating is that prophecies tend to come true, no matter what, and most of the characters seem not only to know this, but to let it take their autonomy over their respective fates, driving them to disaster.

Let me elaborate: especially in season five (I'm assuming just for the added fall at the end), Merlin talks a lot about how "one day, things will be different". He tells sorcerers that one day they won't have to hide. That one day, they won't have to live in fear of who they are and what others think of them. And Merlin is right: while it is not explicitly stated, it's generally established that this is one of the things Merlin should actively be working towards. But here's the kick: except for a few specific circumstances, when has Merlin ever actively tried to change Arthur's mind about magic? Yes, he has taken a few opportunities, like with Dragoon saving Uther's life, or with the Dolma's final request, where he has encouraged Arthur to rethink his choices, but otherwise, his support has been lukewarm at best. Instead, his primary concern was always saving Arthur, so he can become the king the magical world hoped he'd be, but he left out a crucial part, trusting in the prophecy to fill in the gaps. He knew it would come true, but it was, almost predictably, in the one way he never dared to expect.

And in a twisted way, there's that thread of irony again: Merlin thought he was saving Arthur so he could one day become the king who would see magic as a force for good, but instead, he created someone who was merely a survivor. It was Kilgharrah who said it first, and he who would mention it last: they are two sides of the same coin. But as willing as Merlin was to give his life for Arthur, and vice versa, he was never really ready to give him his mind.

Another interesting thing to note is Merlin's fixation on the "Saving Arthur" lens of the prophecy over the "Restoring Magic" part. Now, there are a ton of ways you can look at this, depending on how far along the scale of Queer Analysis you are, so I'm going to try and address a couple. At one end of the scale, you have the fairly simple and very believable "merthur" take. This basically boils down to the fact that Merlin and Arthur may or may not be deeply in love with one another, and that drowns out any voice of reason that may unfold. This is actually fairly canon compliant, particularly looking at incidents such as the Disir, when Merlin chooses Arthur over his and his people's freedom, though that choice was clearly, in hindsight, misadvised.

At the other end of the spectrum, there is the idea that it is the work of Kilgharrah, Gaius and other responsible figures in Merlin's life when he was new to his role in destiny, who reiterated at every occasion that Arthur must be protected at all costs. This may have ingrained into Merlin's thoughts and influenced his decisions from here on out.

Between those two points, there is a grey area, and I am of the personal opinion that neither extreme entirely satisfies the situation. For me, I think the characters in question are far too complex to have such simple motivations, and that the true reason lies somewhere between the two: Merlin undoubtedly cares for Arthur, and while at the start, his actions in protacting Arthur may have been driven by other (largely superficial) motives, over time, their mutual affection blossomed to the point where certainly the more personal quests were motivated not by need, but by love. However, there is a divide here, and while the line in the sand smudges from time to time, it never really disappears: a lot of instances in which Merlin is trying to help Arthur are entirely overshadowed by destiny, and in time, Merlin comes to accept that Arthur and Destiny are, in fact, one and the same, and this is where that ever-present tragedy lies. For all he truth in here, Merlin doesn't get everything quite right: he sees Arthur as a balance that needs to be protected, without fully realising that he doesn't just have to keep the sides of his equation in equilibrium, but he actually has to start solving them if he wants them to endure.

Having just said all that, sometimes I decide to fuck over complexity for a few hours purely because I am a shameless merthur hoe.

Also, can you take a moment to please note that this last section is highly subjective and it is completely up to you as to what you decide!! This is just my opinion and you're welcome to agree or disagree at any point.

So, aside from the Angst Factor™ and twisted character development, why was the main goal never fulfilled? Unfortunately, that is a question far cleverer people than me can only speculate, as the writers alone know the answers, but I'm going to give my opinion a shot. Honestly, there is something beautifullly poetic about something that never ends, or ends when there could be something more. Humanity has struggled with endings-and beginnings- since it learned truly how to think, because that kind of finality, that inkling that there might have been nothing before and after something else is incomprehensible. In leaving Merlin in a place where the next point was uncertain, the writers left the story open for us. In depriving us of that catharsis, they effectively made sure that the story would never be over, not until we want it to be. And yes, it was painful. I can't think of an ending that was more heartbreaking than that curious mixture of closures and openings all at the same time (hell, I could write a whole essay based on this concept alone!), but it was also a gift, ironically like that of the prophecy itself in that we can choose what we want to do with it, safe in the knowledge that there will be a happy ending again, one day.

In summary, we might not be left with catharsis in the way we wanted. We might not have got the happy ending that could also have stretched on and on indefinitely. But we were left with something else, something equally beautiful as closure, but in the complete opposite way. Amongst the remains of allwe had hoped to build, Merlin left us hope.

#sorry for the inevitable ineloquence here i am absolutely knackered #bbc merlin #merlin #merthur #i'm going to regret this in the morning

[irethepotato]

My thoughts on the new Inazuma archon quest

SPOILERS

Disclaimer: I'm no way a professional in game developing and such, therefore don't take my opinions in face value. This is just my opinions

Boi, the new archon quest is a roller coaster ain't it? There were a lot of things that I think were great, and a lot of things that can be improve.

The good shit:

1) Let's get this outta the way and say Mihoyo are really good at invoking our feelings on the deaths that happened.

Teppei's death invoke a lot of grief from the player through really good writing on Mihoyo's part. From our first meeting with him in the beginning of the quest through getting to know his ambitions, his personality, we see this person more than an NPC. Mihoyo made us see Teppei more human if that makes sense? Than just any background NPC. It's because of that good writing that it hits us hard when we found out he was dying. It's because he was working so hard to achieve his ambitions, and yet he died before seeing it achieved by the traveller.

2) The traveller facial expressions. At the beginning of the game, the traveller were mostly blank face. But as the story progresses, we can see clearly what the traveller's felt like and what they're thinking. From Teppei's death to their confrontation with Scaramouche. They become more human to us the players.

3) The dark story line. Oh boi. Between the deaths and the war, it's quite obvious that this is the turning point of the game. Not to mention that scene after Signora's death opens up a ton of questions and not a lot of answers.

4) The heart stopping moments. From scenes like Scaramouche's appearance to Kazuha's sword scene, there were a lot of scenes that brought chills down my spine. That right there, is some good shit.

Ok, time for the part that I personally think can be improved:

1) The pacing. The previous archon quest pacing was actually pretty good. We were introduce to the situation of the island, how foreigners were treated, the hierarchy of the commission, the military, slowly not to overwhelmed us by just info dumping.

However, the new archon quest's pacing was too fast. The whole thing felt too rush. There wasn't any breaks to let us sink into the story fully you know?

2) Kokomi's characterization. She's been described as this cunning war general and yet she didn't question the mysterious benefactor's identity or reasons. That doesn't makes sense for me as her character. Not to mention she only appeared at the beginning and the end of the archon quest without fighting the shoguns army. At least gorou was there at the end, fighting alongside Kazuha. Shouldn't she, as a war general of the resistance, fighting alongside the final confrontation?

3) Baal's redemption. It felt cheap. So what we can make her rethink her decisions? Doesn't excuse her actions towards the people of Inazuma. There were deaths, relationship destroyed, mistrust, not to mention the effects of the delusions. She should be trying more than just abolishing the Vision Hunt Decree is she really do wants to redeem herself. Like giving out compensation to the families of deceased, giving treatment for the people who were affected by the delusions, stuff like that you know?

I haven't played her story quest so maybe she did find a way to redeem herself, but right now, her redemption felt cheap.

4) Yae Miko's info dumping. There's were too many exposition from her that's it's just ridiculous. Mihoyo could've show us the info without dumping it on us in one go. Maybe through story quests or world quest. It's feels rush for them to just dump us the info about the Ei's puppets, Scaramouche's origins, etc in just a dialogue you know?

5) What happened after the archon quest? No I don't mean Baal's story quest or Sumeru. I mean what happened to the people of Inazuma after the war is over? They can't be just fine and dandy considering the bad impacts they face, especially the people who are caught up in the war. There's no closure for them.

There's probably more that I missed but these are my thoughts about the archon quest

#genshin impact #ire rambles #inazuma spoilers #inazuma

[dumdrop]

I read this comment on today's video, Being Brutally Honest With Each Other, and I really love this! It shows how amazing Unus Annus is and how the channel has effected all of us in different ways.

There are many stories like this one that I've seen too. That's why Unus Annus is so special. It's not just two idiots doing shit for videos, it's actually helping people and inspiring them. I'm going to be extremely sad when the channel dies but I'll also be very happy that it's done, it's over, we've accomplished the mission, we've lasted a whole year. I've made so many great memories from Unus Annus and so many inside jokes that I will always keep referencing long after the channel is gone. This year has been very fun with Unus and Annus and I will treasure every moment of every day that they've gifted to us.

I'm very proud of Ethan and Mark making it all the way to the end and achieving their goals. I can't wait to see what Ethan and Mark do after Unus Annus. I hope Ethan really does do something with his creative talents. I hope Mark will always make things like A Heist With Markiplier and be really proud of what he's created.

Today's video was very special. I cried. I do like that we got to see behind the curtain and got to know what they were thinking and feeling during this year. But also, we got to see their geniune friendship and they're love for each other. We seen how much Mark really cares about Ethan and how he wants to see him excel and encourages him to do what he aspires to do. We seen how Ethan really admires Mark and looks up to him and how he wants to work as hard as he does.

I really hope that after Unus Annus is gone, we all can find closure and be able to move on because it is like a death in the family for those you've grown very close to the videos and the channel and I hope this won't change people's lives for the worst. I hope that not having Unus Annus upload anymore and not having that consistency will change the happiness they've gained from it.

It definitely will be weird to not see Mark and Ethan together every day, but I can't wait til, like Ethan has stated, in a few months or year and the channel has been kinda forgotten, and only the people who knew Unus Annus will know or remember them. You can finally be like, "The legend of Unus Annus." I can't wait to be doing something normal like going to the grocery store and spot someone wearing Unus Annus merch and just be like, "Oh my God! Unus Annus! I remember!" Now, I will never see black and white together and not think of Unus Annus.

Today's video and this comment just got me really thinking and I had to write it down and share it. I'm very thankful for the year Unus Annus has given me and helping us through many hardships and problems that was 2020. Thank you for reading my thoughts. There's only 10 days left and I'm trying to prepare myself for the inevitabe death and to accept it and to let it go.

It's Time To Say Goodbye

#crankgameplays #ethan nestor #mark and ethan #mark fischbach #markiplier #amy nelson #unus annus #momento mori #quotes #unus annus quotes #one year #my writing #my rambling #my thoughts #mark and amy #eef #eef nestor #being brutally honest with each other #youtube #youtube comments #10 DAYS?! #WTF?!

[bookofmirth]

So my thoughts on Nesta and apologizing are she 1000% needs do it. Whether it’s through actions or words I’m not sure on, but the implication of apology for past abuses needs to happen. Not just for the people she has hurt, but for the hurt she has caused herself as well.

I don’t think Nesta will ever be able to apologize to anyone until she apologizes to herself. She’s so self loathing and I think that has been a huge issue of hers even before ACOFAS. I don’t know if it’s because she was consumed by hate for her father to the point she put her little sister’s life at risk everyday or if it comes from even before that time, back to the days of her mother. Either way I think a lot of the reason for Nesta’s cold and cruel behavior is because she has so much self loathing. She needs to learn to love and forgive herself.

Once that is achieved she needs to atone for her past with her sisters and father, Amren, Cassian… basically I think she needs to go through a 12 step program and realize how she hurt these people who love/care about her and apologize. I don’t care if she goes on an apology tour or if she talks things through or if she decides to be better through her actions - just something needs to happen. I want that moment where she decides that she truly hurt these people whether intentional or not and want to actually make amends and have a stronger foundation for a future with them.

In the sneak peek at the back of ACOFAS we saw how she tried not to be bothered Feyre put up portraits of her family in her home while she was notably absent. I think that’s pretty much how Nesta will always feel until she actively acknowledges the pain she’s caused and work to fix that hurt. Like she’s perpetually on the outside. I want all good things for Nesta and I think that can only be achieved if she forgives herself and then works to receive forgiveness from those she hurt.

Okay so I *just* listened to the scene where Papa Archeron is killed by the King of Hybern, plus after all the discussion recently... I think that a lot of times people forget that apologizing serves so many purposes. And so does forgiveness. 

Papa Archeron apologizes to Nesta, right before he dies he says:

“I loved you from the first moment I held you in my arms. And I am... I am so sorry, Nesta - my Nesta. I am so sorry, for all of it.”

That really gutted me, reading this time. And Nesta has *not* dealt with that apology. I think that her feelings towards her father are super complex and maybe resentment and hate was the biggest feature as we know her, but as a child? When her mother was still alive and they were still a family? I mentioned a similar parent/child dynamic towards the end of this post re: apologizing and how powerful it can be. I think that maybe, her father’s apology will give her a starting point with apologies. She’s got to deal with how that felt - with the sudden rush of relief, the likelihood that she instantly forgave but then struggling with the feeling that he doesn’t deserve forgiveness, but then didn’t have a chance to fully heal that break, and then a shift to thinking about herself in his position and how maybe, she is far more like him than she thought. And how, if his apology gave her a sense of closure and healing, maybe she could do that for other people.

Now, I don’t think that it would have to look the same, not at all. Like you said, if she talks things through with people and they come to an understanding without the actual words “I’m sorry”, or if she decides to behave differently in the future, I think that will be the Nesta equivalent. A lot of healing can still happen that way, and it would still show that Nesta has reflected and grown. Not everyone needs to hear the words, though they can be powerful. But idk, even though Feyre feels like the last person Nesta would say those words to, maybe that’s exactly why she should? I’m clearly changing my mind the more posts I write on this lol

I like your point about self-loathing, and being able to forgive herself. I think that Nesta knows she should make amends, but she’s not able to face... anything, really. She has so much reconciling to do - with herself, her past, the way others have treated her, the way she has treated others. It’s as if at some point in her life she found herself at conflict with the world. I know lots of people like to reference Nesta going to the wall as if it were some sort of atonement, but seriously... she has not changed since then. She still pushes people away, she’s still rude, prickly, she alienates the people who put themselves out there and try to connect with her or support her. So that was not an effective roundabout apology in the way we (you and I, nonnie) are talking about. The whole point of the apology, the thing we want, is for Nesta to heal.

I’m almost to acofas so I want to examine the thing with the portraits more! Maybe they had to sit for them and Nesta being Nesta, she just refused? And then they didn’t press and she was like oh.... okay...... idk I’ll have to pay more attention.

I wonder how much of the discussion around Nesta apologizing or not is related to pain somehow absolving people of guilt. Like, just because someone has suffered doesn’t make their actions okay. Just because someone was abused doesn’t mean that they can go about the world treating others like shit. I have very, very strong convictions about that. (It’s why I don’t like Kylo R*n, why people don’t forgive Tamlin, etc.) That’s the thing that really bothers me about this discussion. I do not give two fucks why someone treats other people like crap, which Nesta objectively has, especially if they are 100% conscious of the harm they are causing. When they are unaware or misled or being manipulated etc., that’s a different story. To me. 

So then when we have Nesta, whose father let her down, whose one sister showed strength she was unable to find, who lost her social standing and financial security and her mother and was assaulted by the one guy whose name escapes me, and then saw her father murdered and bloody battle and now is dealing with alcohol and sex in (probably) unhealthy ways.... and all of those are very, very good reasons to be broken. To be downtrodden and to struggle. But none of that means that she shouldn’t have to recognize the harm she has caused. If anything, it means the opposite, because she’ll never find herself in a better place until she does recognize that, and take some action.

#nesta #acotar #acosf #ahhhhhhh so close now omg!!!!! #thanks for the thoughts!!! #thoughts on characters #sarah j maas #ask #just gonna tag this #long post tag #cuz it's already there #anon

[dropsofletters]

you’re the last thing on my mind

title: you’re the last thing on my mind pairing: kim junmyeon/reader genre: best friends!au/bet!au/childhood friends!au summary: in a wooden box, junmyeon and his best friend find a signed letter from when they were nine years old. “if junmyeon is not married by the time he turns twenty-eight, we will become a couple.”. the thing is, junmyeon’s twenty-eighth birthday has already passed and pinky promises sound kind of compromising sometimes. type: fluff/humor/romance word count: 11,372

Pushing the curtains open to let the infamous light of the Sun in had never been so melancholic, as if all the speckles of dust dancing in the air, even more noticeable under the gaze of nature, were only a reminder of closure. The window that had once seemed too big and spacious, open for the wind to pass through and send a greeting to the duo of friends, was now smaller in size for they were taller, more mature, less naïve. The once full bookshelf by its side only held three books, none of them textbooks, simply tales that someone’s mother could never let go of, clinging to the days in which her son was not wise, neither was he independent. The bed was tidy, that much was known, but it looked unused, navy blue blankets looking like a sad shade of baby blue after years of remaining in the same place. The closet was open, showing a few outfits—a graduation hat for when a college degree excited the house with glee, a baseball uniform that was too tiny to even be for someone older than seven years old and a saddened, black hoodie that had not been touched in ages.

Like anything there. Junmyeon had left as easily as he had grown up in that room, and she had forgotten about how many times she had sat down on the floor with her best friend, coccyx unaware of pain when they remained in that position for hours. Homely, it had once felt, like they would never be old enough to get out of their little Peter Pan fantasy, but the years went by in the blink of an eye. Now, that room that had seen her with her worst hairstyles and had watched Junmyeon’s best and worst days, was going to belong to someone else. Once that house was sold, there would be another person in the average sized room. Perhaps, a couple. Maybe, a child. Either way, the virtue of their youth lived long in there.

Equally as nostalgic, he must be, though his expression showed nothing but happiness, a faint smile highlighting the apples of his cheeks, rounded and full from the moment he was born, his fingers touching the pictures on his bedside table. In reality, they have never been contrasting opposites, but they had grown differently. Junmyeon was intelligent, strong, honest, somewhat competitive and a perfectionist. She was at least two of those things, incredibly honest just like him, but imminently easily saddened and nostalgic. The air was too cold in a room that was once the warmest in her heart, the objects were far too small for the two people in there, and now life bit her with the sting of realization that told her not a single day would come by. The days could only move forward.

“I can’t believe your mom is selling this house.” Her wide eyed gaze settled upon him, watching as Junmyeon’s kneeled down beside the bed, speaking from his uncomfortable position.

“Right? When my mom told me she was going to move to Jeju with my dad, I was also surprised.” States the man that had been otherwise silent, lifting up a heavy box that is nothing to the weights he constantly plays with in the gym. The letters beside the wooden box are painted there, peculiarly his old handwriting in white paint that reads his name. The name of her best friend, Kim Junmyeon, all too well known by her—when she would scream it as a child as a greeting, the same one she uses on the daily, whether on text or to call for his attention. It has also been told in between all types of emotions, from anger to happiness. “But I mean, they deserve it. They want to finally take a break from work and such a busy life.”

Sweeping her gaze around the room, abandonment is the best way to speak about it, yet the most distasteful. Though, the comfort of Junmyeon’s old covers welcome her elbows when she sits down beside the bed, knees to one side to accompany her oldest friend. “They do,” Her voice cuts off, a million curses going through her head mentally, all warning signs in a hassle trying to stop her from crying, but a little bit of sniffling from her part is enough to catch Junmyeon’s attention, whose eyes immediately rest upon her expression. “I just can’t believe time has passed by so fast. I remember hearing them talking about this for years and years and it had always seemed to be so far away. We have truly grown up now.”

Dew seems to fall upon his hair, swept away from his face thank to gel, shiny in its black state. His cheeks still welcome a huge smile, though his eyes are seemingly more-so falling upon the definition of nostalgia. Junmyeon has grown, through and through, from the kid that would sprint around his home to a man growing a career in television. That, alone, leaves a sense of pride on her soul, only to explode by the time Junmyeon wraps his arm around her shoulder. “Hey, don’t cry.” Her body had betrayed her, something along the lines of longing and sadness coming in the shape of tears. “You are an ugly crier, come on.” Clinging to his white sweater would have not been beneficial if it was not for that comment, reaching up and softly smacking his cheek.

“Didn’t your mom teach you some manners, Junmyeon?”

“She did.” Unwrapping his strong grip from around her, his knees dig into the uncomfortable rug underneath them to reach up for the box, taking its lid off to be welcomed by its contents. She mimics his actions, wiping her eyes with the back of her sleeves—thank god the color black exists for these occasions, she thinks—, and investigating what has Junmyeon so interested in the box. “Look at this! I didn’t remember we used to have like a box of memories.”

Frowning deeply, her hands connect the dots for her, reaching inside to grasp a few pictures in her hands, all too old and dusty to even be from the actual year. They are visibly smaller, too, Junmyeon and his best friend, that is. One too many dusted in memories and oldness. “No shit, that’s your sixth birthday!” Smiling, her excitement takes the best of her, wanting to hold on to the better days, when taxes were not a problem, playing was all they could ever think about and sleeping was simply overrated. “You looked so cute.”

“Looked?” Junmyeon questions, watching as she keeps taking pictures out. First time in middle school, when Junmyeon’s uniform was his way of showing his fashion choices—pretty and proper, just like him. One of those include a picture of her crying, always more emotional than he would ever be, and the big smile on his face shows how happy he always was. Glasses covering his features are mostly seen, the ones that he dismisses known because he forgets about them. “I think I still look good.” Taking out items of his own, like notes they passed to each other in class, and toys they used to share, Junmyeon is peaceful with the transition from child to adult, while she is remembering everything as if she was living it again just now.

“But those glasses, Myeon. Those glasses made you look so cute!” She points out with her fingers, his weight leaning over her shoulder to catch a glimpse of the time-flying picture. “I wish you would wear them more.”

“I just don’t think they look good on me.”

“Wrong. They make you look your cutest.”

Unfolding a few of the torn papers in his hands, they laugh at the memories of the person they have known more than themselves—each other. Her misspelled words, his overly poetic phase in middle school, the nicknames they used to give to each other that they didn’t even remember, all parts of their past, what molded them to be the people they are today. Most forget about their past, fearing the cringe-worthy nature of youth, but she wishes she could go back to the easier days, where promises couldn’t be broken and ghosts were the biggest of fears.

With their eyes trained on a piece of paper, their eyes catch the sight of the neat writing, the overly elegant way of phrasing what they were trying to say and the date written in one corner, way different from the sweetly written notes they shared in class. This one seemed far more important, at least for nine-year-old aged Junmyeon, the memory bringing a smile to his face when he reads it out loud.

His back is tightly pressed to the wooden material of his bedside table, sporting his old, small glasses over his bigger face, somewhat funny when he reads the contents of the ‘contract’. “In this contract, I state that if I am not married by the age of twenty-eight, I will fall in love with my best friend.”

“No way!” She chuckles, all tears forgotten when her hands clasp the contract in his hands, reading over the profound words coming from the ever-dramatic Junmyeon. He always took himself too seriously, even when he was young. “I remember this. We truly didn’t believe you would get someone by the age of twenty-eight.” Painted in a blur of memories, she remembers Junmyeon growing up through his phases, somewhat different to hers. His first girlfriend came over in high school, not truly replacing her but taking part of his life more than she ever did, the theatre girl bringing him over to her practices and teaching him a thing or two. Then, he looked for something more serious—one of those rich girls with achievements too high for anyone who has a normal bank account, which had been his worst girlfriend yet. He grew and grew, so did she, but…their relationships were not bent, not fixed, they were like paper—bland, hurtful enough to give you a cut you never see, but you feel it whenever you move.

Scoffing, the man rolls his eyes at her words. “You also signed this,” He pointed out to her old signature, her name written in a childish manner. What one would do at that time, unaware of the heaviness of legal involvement. “You also believed you would not have someone at this age.”

“Well—” Not finding an excuse to slip from her tongue, the tired joints of her knees drag her to his side, placing the contract neatly on top of Junmyeon’s lap. “We are just not dateable people.”

“I’m a good boyfriend.” He defends when she rests her legs against his chest, earning a pointed glare from his friend. “What? I mean it.”

“Alright, whatever you say.” Moving her hand in a careless motion, she gives a piece of her mind in the form of flower-like words. Beautiful in presentation, yet with thorns to prick him. “I believe I am also a pretty decent girlfriend, thank you very much.”

Dragging the box until it lands on the floor with a loud thud, Junmyeon’s hand starts to caress the edge of it. “We wouldn’t have lasted either way, if we decided to be together, that is.” Fixing the glasses that dig uncomfortably on the side of his face, he gives her a soft smile. “You’re too much of a crybaby.”

Honesty is the best policy, in Junmyeon’s mind, and she shares the idea like their favorite coffee back in high school, when they would opt to buy one drink to save money—after all, they had to hide it from Junmyeon’s mom, who didn’t like her son to have too much caffeine. “Speak for yourself, perfect boyfriend.” She huffs at the name, as if it is ironic. “You take yourself too seriously.”

Pressing his index finger to her forehead, he pushes her head back slightly. “Take it back.”

“You’re the one saying I’m un-dateable.” Her act is mischievous when she crosses her arms over her chest, the innocence that surrounded the air suddenly switched to something outright crazy. Much more of their nature. One day, the twin-sized bed lost meaning, just like the windows became too small for the dreamer that Kim Junmyeon is and with the passage of time, their friendship died to a lullaby, only listened to when they needed to bring peace to their hearts. The rendezvouses they used to have, captured in pictures or in dreams that visit her late at night, from pranking each other to being the other’s wall through the unraveled breeze of heartbreak, are deeply missed by the woman. “You wouldn’t stand dating me either way. You’re too chicken.”

“I’m not.” He counterparts. “You are too chicken to date me, even if it’s fake.”

“Let’s do something.” Turning her body so she is facing him, she now realizes the weight of the situation. Junmyeon’s face had only aged slightly, but the appearance of him when he was young still clouded her vision at times, reminding her that they have grown…but they are the same people that met each other in school, the ones who would get back from school and stuff Junmyeon’s refrigerator with popsicles in hopes of his father never noticing what they were spending their school money in. At nine years old, Junmyeon did not think of the importance of dating and how difficult it is, and she didn’t, either. “Let’s bet a quarter of a month’s salary. We can pretend to be each other’s partner with the other and whoever breaks up with the other first, has to pay the bet.”

“That’s stupid.” He stands up from his spot, his strong and small hands holding the box that keeps his childhood alive.

“Chicken.” The mumble is not supposed to go past her lips, but Junmyeon’s eyes widen a big fraction when he turns to glare at her, the excitement of their friendship long gone, until he kicks her calf with the tip of his shoe.

“Okay, we’re doing it.” The certainty in his voice is typical of Junmyeon, wrinkles forming in between his eyebrows from his frown. “And you’re giving me all that money. You are not going to stand one day as my girlfriend.”

“Huh, I can be a bad girlfriend if I want.” The encounter is funny, holding on to his forearms to bring herself up, until she is standing in front of him. “Get that wallet ready for me.”

The old room in Junmyeon’s household saw a redemption of their past, of what they had wished for when they were nine years old. Though ironic, it spices up her days—it brings that thrill that she needs nowadays, thunder in the middle of the rain. The parasite of competition thrives inside her, one that could only be fought back with the endlessly serious best friend she has.

Their bet sounds interesting, albeit seasoned with years of forgetfulness.

📜

The vanity that shows the reflection of the new man Kim Junmyeon is to this day holds precious things to him. The keys of his car, perfectly perched in some metal decoration; a glass filled with lemonade, something that he adores for his vocal chords before his annunciations in the local news program; some glasses he never uses, in case he needs to read something—though, he can always use the typical Junmyeon technique, squinting; and of course, there are handfuls of papers showcasing different information for the weather, all of which she never understands. He does, however, given to his job of being a recognizable weatherman. Her heart is too attached to his spine, his every being, to tell him that not a lot of people watch the news, that there is nothing wrong with him as a person, but the disinterest people have in the era of technology does play a big part on the issue.

Far more elegant from his usual form, he is, and he already the most polished person she knows. Quite unusual, really, given that she spends every single day stuck in an office, watching people in suits and horribly fashionable white button downs. Junmyeon spices up his style with something a bit vintage, the creamy colors of his suit, hinting at white shades with his shirt, gives something to talk about, though absentmindedly. Right now, he doesn’t even notice that his friend is looking at him with admiration—the man who wakes up early in the morning to greet other people’s day, indicating whether they should use a coat or not.

If it was not for that stupid bet, she would have been able to rest. Her boss had given the day off to the entire staff and instead of wrapping herself up in her blankets and wake up at the start of the evening, she decided to win that damned money and buy herself a good meal. She is definitely going to get Junmyeon to break up with her.

One of her exes had once told her clinginess was her way of pushing people away; there is only so much tugging and interested she can show to a person before it becomes annoying. Junmyeon had talked about this ex in the past, not too gleefully, saying she had let her sexual drive speak for her at the entrance of a relationship, but that is far in the past, almost imperceptible to her in her present. Instead, she uses her knowledge from that past relationship to her favor, wrapping her arms around Junmyeon’s shoulders, chest positioned behind his head, chin resting on his perfectly styled hair to earn a hiss from him before he gently pats her jaw.

“I just did my hair, don’t do that.” He mumbles, though it is loud enough for her to hear as she places her head now on his shoulder, looking down at the notes Junmyeon continues to read. Granted, he stops immediately, resting the sheets of paper down on his crossed legs before speaking up once again, their gazes connected in the mirror in front of them. “What makes you so cuddly?”

“I’m just hugging my boyfriend after three days of not seeing him.” Three days since the bet, more than seventy-two hours spent as boyfriend and girlfriend without treating each other differently. This is her first try and she thinks her biggest weapon, but Junmyeon’s eyes get filled with realization at that moment.

“So, that’s why you came here?” He asks, voice giving out the noise of amusement that leaves him.

Pulling away slightly, she weights the options of her response. In reality, Junmyeon has been her closest friend for the longest time, her best friend, even, but their professional lives do not connect at all and with how given they are to their jobs, they rarely get to see each other anymore. It is not a surprise to know that she had thought of going to Junmyeon’s workplace to visit him, see the magic of him speaking about the weather from up close, the news man that he always wanted to be an act that she could see live…but maybe, she also used this as an excuse to win the bet. “I was planning on coming here as your friend before we made that bet.” Her lips pucker up before they press down on his cheek, the smooch loud enough to fill the air around them in his little changing room, way smaller than the one for the bigger hosts. “But now I am here to give you all my love.”

This time, he squints because he is suspicious and not because he needs to read. “You’re never this…clingy…” Looking over his shoulder, she finally pulls away from him, a pleased smile on her face when his face morphed into one of realization. “You’re being clingy so I get annoyed?”

“Maybe,” She says with a shrug. “Is it working?”

“Sort of.” Junmyeon argues, standing up from his seat to talk to her properly. “I’m up in five minutes, though, and the least I need is for my coworkers to know I’m “dating” my best friend.” He leaves some quotations in the air, soon after continuing with his speech. “So, no, we won’t break up because you hug me but I’d appreciate it if you don’t act like my girlfriend around other people, because this is our secret.”

“You say it as if I want to scream it to the world.” She replies, only to earn a gasp from Junmyeon.

“You should want to scream it to the world.”

“…Why?”

“I—We’ll argue about this later, but as of now, don’t say anything to anyone.” Junmyeon shakes his head, leaving his notes on top of the vanity before calling her name softly, their conjoined steps ringing through the room and the hallway as they step towards the big studio. Bright, white lights illuminate desks, green screens and people cladded in suits, fake smiles displayed on some of their faces, others simply state more serious news—they don’t get to grin, but Junmyeon’s spot is in front of the green screens previously mentioned. In the matter of minutes, he leaves her standing behind the cameras while he prepares to start with his weather announcement, the gossip newspersons by her side, doing absolutely nothing after their speeches.

She should have known that people whose lives revolve around gossip are not to be trusted. They itch to have a subject, a puppet with one or two threads that remain loose for them to hold on to and rip it until that person was destroyed. In their brightly colored clothing and with their quirked eyebrows, they stare at Junmyeon like he is their prey, a simplistic man in the eyes of more prepared individuals. Wronged, they are, for Junmyeon has desired this far more than anyone ever would.

When they were children, Junmyeon would be the one to rehearse his speeches in front of her and in most occasions, she forgot to check the weather for the day, more often than not relying on Junmyeon to bring her an umbrella or lend her a looser shirt for her to change into when the desire to be fashionable pushed her to wear sweaters on the hottest of days. Surprising it was to hear him speak at the time, for all children craft their dreams based on what they hear, what they see in toys and TV shows—the ones with outspoken characters and slow-paced wording. Doctor is the most common; teachers some want to be…and then there was the class president, Kim Junmyeon, whose only dream was to be the weatherman. His dream was to be in front of a screen and put material knowledge into some kind of protection for the people around the city.

To him, it is important, and that makes it important for her.

His way of speaking is graceful, lips parting to utter what he has known, pointing at the green screen like he knows where everything is located, and he does. Junmyeon’s intelligence is often dismissed, thought as privilege instead of hard work, but that is far from the case. People only judge the realms of the powerful, they never tear to shreds someone who is already invisible or unimportant to their eyes.

A warrior never fights an empty threat.

“He has to change that way of speaking,” The only woman in the group says, her red hair curled to a style of the sixties, pin-up-esque in everything she did. “Stuttering will only leave the viewers confused, even if it’s just for a second.”

The tallest of the four group of newspersons chuckles, crossing his arms over his chest and her ears are practically capturing the slowest breath they take, wanting nothing more than to hear the situation develop in case she has to say anything. “Junmyeon is just not cut for this job.” Sometimes, people think of goals and dreams as too much. Everything needs to have a reason, it desires to be prepared in years of practice, but a person can’t ever dream just because they want to do something. A job cannot be loved anymore; it just has to be something you are great in; thus passion is seen as something replaceable. “…But the boss keeps him here because he is a nice-looking face. Most people will tune in for something as irrelevant as the weather just because he is good-looking.”

Laughter follows, though muffled because of the cameras, before the pin-up goddess, though more of a snake with its teeth wanting to seek in the nearest person whose power makes her feel insecure, speaks once again. “He’s not that handsome.” She says. “Like a four out of ten. He’s just one of those rich kids that thinks being on the news is the same as being on some stupid reality show.”

Perhaps, she should work on her patience or in her way of speaking, too rough and honest for it to be good. Maybe, that will be the cause of her death, when someone finally pulls a gun at her for being so damn slurry mouthed, but that comment is enough to have her turning around, stepping forward until she is close enough to the group of coworkers. “Listen, I am sorry I interrupt your conversation, but I can’t just listen to this much…nonsense.” She starts, earning a few surprised expressions from the people she is trying to talk to. “Your envy is showing through everything you say and it’s just so distasteful. Like, don’t you have work to do or a life to take care of instead of worrying about someone’s stutter or his tone or whatever?”

“He’s just doing it wrong. It’s not envy, but speaking like that is ignorant from your part.” One of them says, but she can’t bring herself to take a second glance at whoever it is.

“He’s talking about the weather, something real and palpable and important for the people watching this news show.” Looking up and down their faces, she continues. “Not like you, whose only talent is to gossip about people.”

The redhead rolls her eyes, crossing her arms over her chest before scoffing. “Who are you? Aren’t you his best friend or are you just some crazy fan who wants to get in his pants?”

“Dude, this is not a TV series, no one is fan of a news reporter.” She complains and she can already hear the scolding that is going to reach her way once Junmyeon realizes exactly what she had done. “And I am his best friend, but also his girlfriend, so…lay off, will you?”

The sound of footsteps filled the air before someone’s presence was felt by her side. The ghost of a figure she knows very well, the person who will definitely have her head after this. “What is going on here?”

“Nothing.” The tallest indicates, sporting a big smile on his face, clear indicator of his fear of ever saying his critiques straight to Junmyeon’s face. “We were just planning to congratulate you two for getting together. Way to go, Junmyeon, you had only introduced her to us as your best friend, we didn’t know you were hiding something else.”

And that is how the gossip-obsessed people won a fight against her and how she ended up standing in the corner of the studio, talking in hushed whispers with Junmyeon, more like hearing him scold her with a frown on his face and the most obnoxiously stressed tone on his voice.

Emotional, she is, her biggest turmoil, the reason why she hates being so honest and yet, she can’t bear to differentiate anger from sadness or nostalgia, all three of those options finishing in tears from her part. Junmyeon, however, is a clear-spoken man, poised and stronger, though clearly touched whenever something happens to him. They help each other out and balance their emotions; she, who helps him show more and he, who shows her there is more to life than showing one’s weaknesses.

“They were just talking shit about you.” She argues, the conversation continuing as Junmyeon repeats the same words over and over again, just in different sentence structures. “I am sorry I said I was your girlfriend, okay? I just can’t stand the gossiping assholes that work with you.”

Junmyeon’s eyes soften when he realizes how shaken up she is, at the verge of having her muscles paralyze from the movements that overtake her, a clear state of her stress and pushed down anger. At the tip edge of crying, she must feel like, not one for confrontation even though she was the one to start it. “I get it, but…you don’t have to pay attention to them, I really don’t mind what they have to say.”

“I know!” She exclaims in a whisper. “But it’s just so unfair. You work so hard and you don’t get the credit you deserve.”

His hands stop on top of her arms, rubbing up and down to help ease her trembling, always mindful of how his friend reacts to most situations. “Don’t think too much about that.”

“I’m your friend, Junmyeon. Of course I have to think about that—”

“You’re my girlfriend. Girlfriends don’t worry this much.” He plays around, earning a small scoff from her before he smiles. “So calm down. It’s okay that you told them that, but don’t go defending me like that next time.”

The sound of a chuckle fills the air, along with the noise of keys dangling from someone’s fingertips. “Heard you had a girlfriend, Kim Junmyeon. Congrats!” When the supposed couple look to the side to see whose voice had filled the air, they are surprised to see the security guard that is supposed to stand at the entrance, smiling gleefully to them as he passes by. The only thing Junmyeon can do is sigh, trying to force a smile up on his face.

Now everyone knows he is dating his best friend. Well, ‘dating’.

At least they can say that the gossip team of news reporters does their job very well, even for non-celebrities.

📜

That childlike innocence is longed for when the days get too tedious, filled with paperwork and taxes to pay attention to, as well as friendships that get lost in the twists of time—or the lack of it, thereof. There, a month after her agreement with Junmyeon, she stands with him, looking at the butterflies gathering around the park they used to visit when they were kids. Greeneries blinking at them with happiness, purest of oxygen filling their lungs as they hear the chatter of people in the background, though distant. Some couples walk here and there, others are jogging as a resolution to get in shape, some kids are playing, adolescents skate or sit down to talk, and then, there’s those two people, two droplets of life that had grown in that place.

Junmyeon used to be the less playful of the two and the least talkative, albeit he was somewhat charismatic but not as runny-mouthed as she was. In their youthful days, they had grown to enjoy playing around every Saturday, more often than not grabbing something to eat on the way there and greeting Junmyeon’s parents with dust on their clothes or mud on bits and pieces of their faces. The heir of their memories is the only thing that remains alive, given that they haven’t even had time to cling to their friendship, let alone their fake relationship, their adventures exchanged for texts of apologies and time-sets to meet once again.

But they are in that park, on a Saturday, reliving the moments in which they didn’t have to worry about the future and the past, along with the present all at the same time. Being an adult is a badge no one asks to have, meant to be prideful, yet extremely uncomfortable at times. Junmyeon, however, aged beautifully and she likes to believe she did, too, their mentalities developing rather than changing, keeping their essence in personality, an ode to whom they used to be.

Unlike his usual attire, Junmyeon doesn’t have his hair sleeked back neither is he wearing a suit, exchanging it for a tank top and his hair down, sucking on a red lollipop on the way there. Just a few moments ago, he was talking rather excitedly about his new neighbor and how cool the old man was, giving him free coffee whenever he passed by the door.

“Didn’t your parents tell you not to take food from strangers?” She jokes around, mindful of the way Junmyeon’s eyes glisten with happiness. Truly, this year has been the best for him so far—the toughest times of his life took away that spark, but it had never dulled.

“Of course,” He says. “They never mentioned anything about drinking coffee offered by a nice, old man.”

“I barely get to see you anymore, but whenever we meet up again I am more convinced that you’re losing your mind.” The feeling of Junmyeon’s fingers pinching her cheek has her laughing. It has always been like this, for she wants nothing more than to feel the presence of him. “It’s true, don’t pinch my cheeks!”

“You’re saying that as if you wouldn’t accept the coffee, too.” His eyebrows quirk up at that, taking her by the wrist and pulling her with him as he starts to walk faster. “Is that not enough of a reason to break up with me? That I’m crazy?” To anyone who thinks they are truly together, like most of Junmyeon’s coworkers if not all, they would think that this is their first month of relationship. The blooming moments of love, when a couple spend most of their times clinging to each other, missing the taste of the other’s lips and the feeling of their hands roaming over their skin. Others would, but here they are—trying to get to each other’s nerves to have someone break up with the other person involved.

Sometimes she forgets about the bet…or about the fact that Junmyeon is her boyfriend, but when it comes back to life, something along the lines of competitiveness is injected in her veins. “It’s not enough of a reason.” She states in a prideful manner. “I think it is endearing.”

Looking over his shoulder, although his feet keep moving him to an unknown desired destination, he asks: “You really think it is endearing?”

“Everything about you is endearing to me, my lovely Myeon.” She flirts, faux in its approach, but it has Junmyeon groaning, haltering his steps when he finally gets to the place he had desired.

“If you really love me, you wouldn’t mind me playing around the old monkey bars we used to use.”

Widening her eyes at the sight of the crusty, old-looking yellow monkey bars, she imagines the embarrassment of seeing a full-grown man, and her friend (boyfriend, in reality), hanging from them. The stares, the giggling, the mothers judging them from afar…

“I really don’t mind.” She prompts, placing her hands over her hips only to have Junmyeon smiling.

“I don’t believe you.”

“Believe me.” The sight of Junmyeon’s muscular arms barely flexing when he holds on to the first bar has her looking around the place, watching the rest of the individuals in the park minding their own business. “Are you acting childish just to get to my nerves?”

Soon after, his legs lift up until he is hanging upside down, a big smile on his face when he says: “Definitely.” If the blush on his fluffy cheeks is anything to go by, then he is definitely feeling embarrassed, and she knows it—Junmyeon is, in most occasions, the epitome of a young man with a boring life. He wakes up early, always follows the rules and loves his job more than a lot of things, as well as the fact that he could watch the re-runs of the same show over and over again without any objection. This is something the real, non-competitive Junmyeon would not do, but Junmyeon has the habit of taking everything too seriously…and if that means making a fool of himself to win, he will do it.

“You’re going to get off the monkey bars when someone calls you out for it.”

“Are you too scared to get on the monkey bars?”

“I’m scared of falling on my ass.”

“You won’t. Come on, get up here.”

Her knuckles close by the time she wraps her hands around the bar, dangling off slightly—though the monkey bars felt exponentially smaller from how big they seemed when they were nine years old. A smile grazes her features, moving from one bar to the other before she watches Junmyeon lift his arms and correct his position, no longer staying in the upside down position that had his neck turning red. In front of her, he hung, his big smile perceptible with his happiness when he lifts his legs and wraps them around her waist, the moment cut short when a yelp escapes her.

“Remember how you pushed me off the monkey bars once and we both cried?” Crying in different senses, though, one of them weeping for the pain of landing on the grass and the other sobbing because they had just pushed their friend. The roles are easy to grasp.

“That was when I was nine years old, get over it.” She tells him, moving her hips from side to side, but her legs remain in locked in place. “You’re not really embarrassed for this?”

“I missed you…and I missed this place. I’m very embarrassed, don’t get me wrong, but I’ll take it as quality time with you.” He voices, a flutter following after his words that sets its fire from her heart to the rest of her body. “…And I also know you’ll break up with me if I embarrass you, so—”

“I won’t.”

“Really?” Junmyeon ponders, letting go of his body and bringing her down with him, the thud of his body barely audible with how close they were to the floor, her body colliding against his when she falls down on him. “I won’t break up with you, either.”

“Well, we got to think about the wedding, then.” She teases, watching Junmyeon’s confidence falter slightly, blabbering the mess that goes through his brain when she says that.

“I—No wedding, though, the contract did not say anything about a wedding—”

“Excuse me, grandma and grandpa. Can you please let me play in the monkey bars?”

The sound of such a tender voice, filled with youth and dulcetness—even with the words grandpa and grandma interlaced in the statement—has them pulling away from each other, like two teenagers that got caught making out in the middle of the park, hiding away from their parents. By the time she is up her feet, she can see the little girl in front of them, small, pea-sized face and a pretty white dress no covered in grass and mud. She can practically hear the sound of an adult screaming at the sight of the child and the laundry that calls out their name.

Junmyeon is the first one to react, an awkward grin on his face when he mutters a small: “Sure”. It only goes noticed for a while, the little girl climbing up with ease before she completely ignores them. Her best friend leans to her side, taking her by the arm to call out for her attention. “Did she just call us grandma and grandpa?”

Shuddering at the reminder, she blows a gush of air into the world. “I don’t know, dude. Kids these days are weird.”

“They are.” Junmyeon says, voice now void of any playfulness he had earlier. Fishing for some change in the pockets of her jeans, she nods her head at his friend, perhaps as a conversation starter after a dul silence.

“Let’s eat those popsicles we used to love when we were kids.”

“They’re still there?!”

“They are.”

“Then, what the hell were we doing before?”

Sometimes, she is reminded that even though they are the last thing in each other’s minds, far too entranced in their adult lives to even get to think about the other, they still have a spot connected to the other’s soul, every memory of their lives is connected with the other’s name. Junmyeon is some kind of sickness turned human that she would never escape and in certainty, she didn’t want to.

📜

Junmyeon was not always a neat-freak, but the older he got and the more he grew, the more spotless his apartment was.

Props to him, she gives, the credit is where it’s due, his apartment shines with white decorations and flowers that always bring some lively color to the worst of days, a piece of nature in an otherwise modern place. She imagines the type of people who must come visit him; coworkers that have perfect lives of their own, cars bigger than her apartment itself, and apartments in the names of suites…but when that train of thought starts and develops, seated in the comfort of Junmyeon’s black couch, she starts to wonder what type of women he has brought there. The ones she never knew about, the one-night stands or the ones he simply wanted to keep a secret.

Is Junmyeon even the type for a one-night stand? She wonders, trying her hardest not to think of Junmyeon, in one of those gorgeous suits he owns, coquettishly talking to a woman in a fitted dress, perfect like the sight of his apartment. He has always liked the intelligent, elegant women, the ones that have him in the first conversation. He likes to indulge himself with the pickiest of women, finding interest in becoming their type once the relationship grows. She has seen this, lived this, and she has been in relationships as well, all of them recognized by Junmyeon—after all, she is not good at keeping secrets—, but this is the first time it actually bothers her.

Seriously, this may be her period talking—but fuck Kim Junmyeon and his perfect…everything. Even his imperfections are not quite as unbearable as they can be.

And then, there he is, in front of her vacuuming whatever crumbs of the sandwiches they just had during their movie night, and still looking like he may belong to a modelling agency. His dark hair falls over his face, bangs covering his thick eyebrows, his puffy cheeks marking down when he presses his lips together. He is wearing an old college t-shirt he has owned for years and a pair of sweatpants, all neatly placed over his body and then, there’s the figure of her seated on his couch, surely wearing a shirt with a hole somewhere in the back and pajama pants, mismatched and naturally herself. They had grown so much, so differently, that it surprises her that they had grown together.

That is the only thought that prevents her from being salty thanks to the reminder of Junmyeon’s romantic endeavors, because that thought is most likely formed thanks to her hormones and the fact that they have been together for almost two months in a fake relationship, known to the public and surely being talked about every once in a while.

But, of course, winning this bet has to take some dirty tries from each other, and Junmyeon has not been a saint to this technique. She opens the bag of chips that Junmyeon and herself had been munching on earlier, taking a big handful before plopping it inside her mouth. Rubbing both hands together, she watches the little bits of salt falling on the floor, right above the spot Junmyeon had just cleaned.

“You!” Junmyeon exclaims, pointing the vacuum at her face and earning cheery laughter from her. “Don’t do that. Don’t be disgusting.”

The reality is…she has learned from Junmyeon, just like how he has learned from her. A few cleaning tips videos after and definitely a lot of help from him, she also keeps her apartment somewhat organized, where she can find certain things but it definitely does not look spotless and taken out of a magazine. This is not something she would have done when she was a teenager, much less now, but the action is caused to generate an effect. “If me being disgusting bothers you, I think you should break up with me.”

Putting the vacuum down and wiping down the bits of chips she had just dusted on the floor, he turns the machine off before sighing. “I’m not breaking up with you,” He says, earning a mental curse from her. “Not even when you’re acting like a pig.”

“What does it take to have you break up with me?” She asks, turning off the TV screen before she crosses her legs. “Tell me. You’ve broken up with people, what did they do wrong?”

“You can always break up with me.” The glint in his eyes is playful, something that only follows when he tells a dad joke. This is not the type of power Junmyeon should have.

“I won’t break up with you, either!”

“…This is a mess.”

“Our fake relationship? It really is.”

Sighing by the time he plops down beside her, Junmyeon’s head lulls to the side, sparing a glance to the turned-off television device before turning his gaze towards her. Something about the air switches and it definitely doesn’t come from the fact that she had just tried to annoy Junmyeon. “I don’t have a particular reason to break up with someone,” This part of him is the best friend she knows, not her fake boyfriend, definitely no one else. He is not the weatherman everyone knows, but he is the Kim Junmyeon she had watched grow with her. “But you’re trying real hard, I can’t really disregard your efforts.”

Moving towards his spot, she wraps her arms around his waist, resting her head on his shoulder by the time she feels his fingers playing with hers. “You’ve tried hard, too.” She tells him, remembering the bad jokes that had definitely earned a laugh or two from her, accompanied by eye-rolls. “I’ve been very close to breaking up with you, too.”

“Why haven’t you?”

“I’m just used to you.” She tells him, smacking her lips together before continuing with her train of thought. “…And I’m also winning that money.”

“We could always both quit and no one wins.” Junmyeon says, pausing for a moment before he shortly chuckles at his words. “…I was expecting you to say yes so I could say I won.”

“You play so dirty sometimes.”

In between a yawn, Junmyeon retorts her comment. “So do you.”

In between soft conversation, laughter is exchanged for giggles, exclaims are left for mumbles and in the matter of minutes, she stops hearing Junmyeon’s hums for her to continue her story, an indicator that he had fallen asleep only proved when she looks at him from the corner of her eye, eyebrows joined together with his eyes tightly shut. A smile plays on her features, softening the mark on his face with her fingers before placing a small kiss on his forehead. The moment reminds her of the times they were in college, visiting the other for a day or two and sleeping on the couch together, too tired to even pay attention to their conversations. Some things never change…and maybe, they haven’t changed much from when they were younger, even when they were nine years old. From that time when they signed that stupid contract, how much had they changed?

📜

“Why is everyone at your job so weird?”

Taking a long sip of the juice she ordered, she looked over her shoulder to spare a glance to the man that had whispered in her ear, catching a glimpse of the suit-cladded man she always has by her side. Junmyeon looks like a diamond in between mud, leaving him as one of the people that gets the most stares at the table. Her coworkers are curious as to why the only person who remains single there, the youngest, has brought someone with her; a person who doesn’t look the slightest bit crazy, sporting elegant and soft eyes, childlike cheeks and the prettiest air of poise. This man that came along with her does not look like her childhood best friend, rather, he looks like her boyfriend.

And maybe, attending to one of her job’s dinner events, he will take this as a telltale sign to finish this bet.

Three months is far more than she ever thought Junmyeon would last, or heck, even longer than how much she thought she would stay in the relationship, but the more their faux connection develops, the easier it becomes to be with the other. One day, Junmyeon’s tries simply become background noise and more often than not, they don’t realize they are living in complete harmony, masking this limbo of a friendship, a fake relationship and a real one. They don’t know where they stand, three months reading more into the situation than she wants to think about. She convinces herself, though mentally, that this is just a bet.

A bet.

That’s it.

Kim Junmyeon is not her real boyfriend, just her longtime best friend.

“…Tell me about it. I have to live through this every day.” Individuals speaking rather loudly, people with bossy attitudes and overly confident personalities, falling into the concept of arrogant rather than leadership. Someone like her doesn’t fit it; too soft for a job in an office, and that is what differentiates her from the rest. “You’re not getting bored, are you?”

“Not bored, annoyed.” He says, leaning further into his seat and playing with the food on his plate. “The food is good, though.”

“I’m happy I have you here for this dinner event. Most of the time I’m alone.” Her glazed expression, out of gratefulness for having him in the most crucial of times, has him smiling out of lovingness. His hand spreads across her thigh, patting on the surface before giving her one of his infamous smiles, always warm and welcoming.

“I’ll always be wherever you are.”

The spell is broken the moment her name gets called, pulling her gaze away from Junmyeon, stopping the train of thought that wondered what exactly had she done to have someone like him in her life. Instead, a manlier tone of voice spoke to her, someone who sits across from her with his perfectly styled hair, ironed button down shirt and perfect computational skills. Oliver, whose talent shines in his every work, fighting for the same spot that she has been wishing for years.

Oliver brings his glass down on the table, showcasing a smug grin on his face when he speaks to her. Something about his dark eyes reads mischief, like all he is trying to do is play around like a cat would. Oliver is her biggest enemy in the company, only one spot left for whoever does the most, moves quicker, thinks harder. He is a good competitor, but she doesn’t want him to win. “Eventful seeing you here accompanied. Is this your new man? We know you run out of them quickly.” Somewhere at the table, a few people laugh. It is supposed to be a joke, she realizes, followed by his ‘just kidding’ statement, but deep within her she feels like there is nothing funny about this night.

“Uh, not my new man. We’ve been together for three months.” She replies, trying to keep a professional front when her potential boss is sitting somewhere at the table, but Oliver keeps poking fun, pride fruit too delicious not to taste it.

“Three months? Speak about early relationships.” Oliver says. “But maybe, it’s because I’m comparing it with my relationship with my wife. A decade and going strong.” All she manages to think about is how no one cares about the length of his relationship, but Oliver is using it as a point of comparison, putting the two of them in a pros and cons list, basically adding her as someone who is unable to keep a relationship up and going.

“I’m happy.” She tells him, a simplistic smile on her face, very fake.

“But don’t worry, your relationship will work fine if it has the same work ethic as you. Maybe with a bit of issues or perhaps, a little too…what’s the word—?”

“We never asked.” Junmyeon states, loud and clear, perhaps earning a few glares from the people at the table, but it takes a gasp out of Oliver, one that he covers with a frown soon after. Honesty is the best policy are the words Junmyeon has always lived by, and by the stoic expression on his face, he is not his happiest. Intelligent, he is, and he continues with ease. “I think, and maybe I’m wrong here, that this dinner should not revolve around the relationships of the people at the table. My girlfriend right here has been trying to start a conversation about a project she has been preparing for months,” He emphasizes, pressing his index finger against the table as an indicator. “Months, and no one pays attention to her, her good ideas, because I can tell you she is not paying attention to anything but her job. Isn’t this what you should be doing instead of shading someone’s relationship just because it has lasted less than yours?” Looking up and down at Oliver’s features, Junmyeon shakes his head. “Speak about professionalism.”

She remembers the times in which she had gone to Junmyeon’s arms after one of those dinner getaways, more often than not with tears in her eyes because she is never taken into consideration. Something inside him must have switched, wanting to change the exasperation she feels whenever she gets together with her group of coworkers. Oliver is conflicted, thinking a bit before he opens his mouth to speak, but the real owner of the company nods his head, pushing his seat forward and pressing a hand to his engorged cheek.

“He’s right.” The potential boss she desires to work with says. “What is that project that you have been thinking about?”

The rest is easy, much more when the weight of Junmyeon’s palm rests over her thigh, his thumb rubbing on the skin as she talks to her potential boss, earning a few hearty nods and smiles. It feels great to have Junmyeon there by her side and a person to hug when she gets out of the restaurant with the idea of earning that spot she had battled so much for. His arms cage her in, his lips pressing down on her cheek as he speaks about having dessert as a gift. The more she stays with him, the more she realizes this really does feel like a healthy, growing relationship.

📜

Steadily, the bet stops feeling like it even exists and that should mean that both parties have given up, but the name-dropping of ‘boyfriend’ and ‘girlfriend’ continues, falling into routine. The more time passes, the less they see each other and the most meaningful their getaways become, leaving her in absolute confusion about what is going on with her. The man who she would have never thought about in a romantic light becomes more and more attractive with the pass of days.

The shrilling feeling would go if only she addressed the issue, but it feels good to have Junmyeon as a boyfriend, even though it is fake to certain extent. Sweeter than he has ever been, he becomes, and though there needs to be a kiss in the relationship to seal some difference from when they were ‘just best friends’, it still feels like they are together. Like a teenager falling for her crush, the one she recently discovered, is how she would describe it, much more when Junmyeon’s pinky is interlocked with hers, the touch loose yet powerful.

Earlier in the night, they had decided to watch too many cooking videos and that had left them with the feeling they were able to come up with something delicious, though Junmyeon’s refrigerator still lacked some ingredients. Stepping out of his apartment, way nicer than hers and already established a bunch of times, she wondered why her nerves were screaming at her to hold his hand. Dopamine overtook her when she gained enough courage to simply near her hands to Junmyeon’s as he spoke about the ingredients they needed, bending her little finger slightly until it was hooked with his. His voice falters for a moment and perhaps, he is surprised, but he doesn’t say anything, tightening the hold momentarily before keeping it loose.

The conversation flows easily, like two people who just happened to fall in love, but…she thinks that is not the case. Maybe, she is alone in this and Junmyeon is still in that competitive mindset of his, she knows that sometimes she is, but most of the time she thinks of Junmyeon in another light. The wrongness of it tastes like betrayal; if she ever were to tell him these things, he would feel used, as if she had planned all of this simply to get with him—

But how was she supposed to know that she would, on the long run, fall for Junmyeon?

“Oh, shit—”

The curse that leaves his lips feels like lightning, quick and fast like the motion of his sculpted and strong body by the time he pushes them away from the aisle they were at in the grocery store, keeping themselves hidden behind the noodle section. Junmyeon’s arms wrap around her waist, face hidden in the nape of her neck as he repeatedly curses. Surely, feeling the broadness of his chest against her back should not make her breaths quicken and her heart beat at a different tempo, but it does.

“W—What are you doing?” Indeed, she remembers the pictures of Junmyeon in front of a mirror at some gym, but she never thought that he would be this strong. Maybe, this is the part where she finally stops this bet—she’ll give him money if that means stopping with the confusion that their relationship, or friendship, creates.

Junmyeon’s breath ghosts on her neck when he answers. “My parents are there…” Thus, their hands are still interlocked, kept on their side with a tight grip. “And if they see us holding hands, my mom will never let me hear the end of it. She always wanted us to date—”

It hurts to know that Junmyeon still sees this as something that should be kept hidden, locked in that contract in the wooden box he now keeps in his apartment, but instead of thinking about the weight of the unrequited crush that felt like was only developing from her side of the situation, she smiles at him over her shoulder. “Do you think that’s the reason why we signed that contract when we were kids?”

Her boyfriend, aka best friend, stares at her for the briefest second before shaking his head. “I don’t think so,” He says. “We were too young for her to actually want us to date. We were nine years old, remember?” A hum leaves her lips.

“Then, why did we do it?”

“I think I knew the only person who could stand me would be you, and vice versa.” Junmyeon concludes, taking one look towards the hallway before sighing. “Why are you asking?”

Turning around and trying not to concentrate on the people who probably will end up complaining about their public display of affection, she tightens her hold in his hand. “I don’t know. I guessed we would be a good match.” She indicates, voice lower and a bit embarrassed. “I’m happy we made that bet, because I realize now that I really did miss you. I took you for granted for so long, when you’re the only person I truly want to spend my time with.”

His fingertips stop holding her waist, pulling away slightly when he raises his eyebrows. “Do you mean it?”

“I do.”

“I—I missed you, too. No one really compares to my best friend.” Best friend, the way she had introduced Junmyeon as to everyone in the past, but for a while they have been playing boyfriend and girlfriend. Over four months of a fake relationship could potentially trigger something within her, right? “I don’t think we were as crazy as I thought when we were nine.”

His pinky interlocks with hers again and she nods. “I don’t think so, either.”

Is this even a bet anymore? She ponders, but the question she makes for herself is cut short when Junmyeon simply shrugs his shoulders. “Let’s just shop. I’ll deal with my mom if she makes us uncomfortable.”

“What a brave man we have here.” She jokes, earning a faint slap on her shoulder from Junmyeon, his cheeks tinting pink when they step away from the noodle section.

“I just want to be proud of the time I spend with you.” He confesses, words clinging to her love-stained soul.

This doesn’t feel like a bet anymore.

📜

“I bet you would never have enough balls to kiss me.”

When Junmyeon says that as they eat inside his car, the last bits of lettuce from her salad dangling from her lips, she almost chokes on her food, turning around to look at him with a surprised expression before scoffing. His face is pressed to the driver’s seat, parked in the garage of her apartment complex, enjoying the last few minutes they have left before she has to go back and sleep to go to work earlier the next morning. “Huh? Me? You are the one who isn’t brave enough to kiss me. You probably think girls have cooties.”

Clicking his tongue against the roof of his mouth, Junmyeon’s fingertips tap against the steering wheel, a smile grazing his face when he turns to look at her once again. “Then, why don’t we just kiss?” He asks, shrugging his shoulders as if it is a mere idea, something normal. It is nine at night, the cars surrounding them are empty and everything feels dull. The sound of a cockroach passing by could even make more noise than the silence in between them, her eyes inspecting his face, his rosy lips after drinking his smoothie a little bit too fast, the strawberry in them suddenly appealing to her. “We’re supposed to be boyfriend and girlfriend, and we’ve been doing this for almost five months. Shouldn’t we have kissed by now?”

Crooking her knee under the weight of her hips, she turns to look at him, putting the plastic container down on the floor before sighing. “Because this is supposed to be a bet, remember?” She asks, watching as Junmyeon’s eyes harden along with the tiniest frown that appears on his face before becoming invisible. “…Not that I’m not curious, though…”

“Remember when we tried to be each other’s first kiss?” Junmyeon asks, voice filled with nostalgia and laughter.

She chuckles, too. “Yeah.” She says. “We were at school during break and we tried leaning in before Mrs. Nam came over and scolded us.”

“Mrs. Nam told my dad I was kissing you when we didn’t even kiss.”

“No way.” It is surprising to see that even when they were young, there was always something uniting them, this curiousness that kept pulling them together. Why had they forgotten? Had they done it on purpose? She doesn’t even know… “I can imagine your dad freaked out.”

“We had the sex talk after that. He said there’s no party without the party-hat and ever since then, condoms were not the same for twelve-year-old Junmyeon.” Laughter fills the air from both of them, their bodies closer as they lean into each other’s seats. She looks into his eyes, the faint lights from outside casting down on them, leaving his features mostly in shadows but his beauty still shined from within. “I wasn’t pressuring you into kissing me, really. I’m not doing it right now…but I…I think…We could try? If we don’t like it, we can finally end this bet. If we do—”

“If we do…” She trails her voice, biting down on her bottom lip before looking down at the skin of his. “If we do, shouldn’t we date…like, for real?”

“I think we’ve been dating without knowing.”

“We have.” She mumbles, closing her eyes before leaning forward, her body uncomfortably gyrated to one side in order to press his lips to hers. Her ribs ache and her foot is cramped by the time Junmyeon laughs to her face, making her open her eyes widely in case he was actually joking. “Huh, what’s going on?”

“Come here,” He says. “You look like you’re in pain.” His fingers hook on the edge of the seat, moving it back slightly to there’s space in between the steering wheel and Junmyeon, enough to fit her body. His hand helps her hook her legs his, straddling him but not yet sitting down on his lap.

“Oh shit, shit, shit, shit—”

Bewildered, Junmyeon speaks quickly. “What’s up? Is there anything wrong?”

“I can’t believe I am about to sit on your lap and kiss you.” She answers, watching Junmyeon roll his eyes before he rests his fingers on her knees. Slowly, she settles down on his thighs, wrapping her arms around his neck softly, fingers threading through the black locks that he so desperately wants to dye red. She smacks her lips together, giggling to herself when she speaks. “Are we really going to kiss?”

His cheeks lift up with his smile, nodding his head when he leans forward and finally, presses his lips down to hers. Nothing would ever compare to the comfort she feels with Junmyeon, like their ribs are connected with the other’s breaths, pressed to each other in delight. His lips are not exactly delicate, passionate and soft, loving in the way he wants to ravish her and worship her as a goddess in simply a kiss. His hands, a ship that sinks in the curves of her waist, down to her hips and up her shoulders, cradling her jaw when he wants to deepen the kiss, the taste of strawberry united in the fervor of the kiss, tongue not meant to tease the other but to show rawness, a loving soul that has been opened after years of ignoring it. Junmyeon makes her feel in a few seconds what no one has ever made her feel and it is such an incredible metaphor for what they have always been. Junmyeon has always been the only man, the one person she always comes back to. Their bond goes past simple friendship, it has always bathed in abandoned romance, innocent all along.

At some point, her back pushes against the steering wheel, his cold fingertips sneaking under her shirt by the time her nails cling to his shoulders. One of his hands is on her thigh, only pulled away when her scapula pressed down where she was leaning on, the car honking loudly and pushing their bodies away. The first thing Junmyeon does is laugh, breathing through his nose to calm himself down before looking into her eyes.

“Don’t do that ever again.” He tells her, pulling her away from the steering wheel before trailing his kisses down her neck, her back arching into him when she bites down on her bottom lip to battle her laughter.

“Imagine we’re one of those couples that appear in TV shows.” She starts. “Couple dies in a car from a heart attack after they made out against the steering wheel and the car honked.”

“That’s not funny.” He says, letting his lips ghost over her collarbones, pecking the skin with adoration.

“Why are you smiling, then?”

Junmyeon may have been the last option in her mind, but it definitely is the best one.

#suho scenarios #suho #exo scenarios #exo #kpop scenarios #writing #exo au #exo fluff #suho au #suho fluff #best friend!suho #and everything in between

[jenmish-destiel]

Supernatural 15x20.

Hi guyz. I would like to put my point of view of this particular episode in this post, so it can be long, but I request you to read it at least once. 

I was shit scared to see this episode after reading your comments on it. Nevertheless, I had to watch it for ‘closure’ one might say.

Now, this is completely my perspective, and I hope, or rather I will try to convince you abt this.

I actually liked this episode. I am not saying that there were no other better options to end a 15 years running series, trust me, there were, but what I can also see here, is exactly what Dabb wanted to do with this series. 

This series had always been abt they boys, so he had to end it with the boys, i.e. by giving their lives a closure. Of course Cass was there, dont get me wrong, he was/is/will be my fav character, but his storyline also got closure. As well as Jack’s. How? Keep on reading. Lets go character by character-

1] DEAN- ]

- Dean has spent his entire life, fighting for love, his brother, his family, this whole world ( correctly pointed out by Cass). After Cass made him realize this, he accepted his life as a good one, where people loved him, Cass loved him, everyone he loved, loved him back. But Cass’s chapter ended there. 

- Lets talk more abt dean. In this particular episode, we saw him make attempts at living  a regular life, you know, the apple pie life (literally). He was being cute with a dog which was so adorable. Now, even if he wanted to live a normal live, with a family, he knew that sammy would get that, but he woudn’t, cause he had lost Castiel, and no one could replace that spot. 

- In his death scene, he lost hope. And thats why he died. Not only because he was injured. The brothers have faced a lot more severe injuries in the past, so this one was also recoverable. But you know what they say, one can defeat death if one has the will to live. It all comes down to that. He knew that there was nothing left for him to explore. He was never used to a normal life, so he couldn’t survive it on a daily basis. With cass gone, he would be left alone in this world, and he didn’t want to interfere in sammy’s Romantic life either. So he accepted this as his end. 

- When he went to heaven, Bobby told him that Jack and Cass changed it. He was happy once he found out that Cass was alive. P.S. I am sure that they will meet in the future, even if they did not show us that. 

- He finally would be able to stay with his parents. In fact, everyone who he loved and had lost were there. Sammy would come along too. 

[What, dean spent like 5 minutes in heaven, driving, and met Sammy. Like seriously, guyzz, Cass is coming along the way. Heaven is a happy place. He will get his happiness.]

- So overall I think that deans storyline was wrapped up pretty god. He found happiness.    

2] SAM

- So Sam’s storyline is pretty direct I feel. We all know that he always wanted a normal family life, and he got it. A wife,  a kid, a pretty full life. The only element missing was DEAN, which he got eventually. 

- So there, closure for Sammy’s life too.

3] CASTIEL

- Now this is a lot to write about. I thought a lot about Cass’s story. I am truly satisfied with it. 

- He was an angel who had ‘too much heart’, who always wanted to do good for the world, and in doing so, he messed up sometimes, but he never gave up. He always wanted to make heaven and earth a good place. 

- When he died, he actually was happy, and sacrificed himself for the man he loved. His life ended happily. That is important.

- Now taking into notice that according to Bobby’s speech, Jack must have rescued Cass from the empty, because of which, he would actually be able to fullfill his wish, of bringing peace and happiness in heaven and on earth. 

- He will eventually meet dean, I know that. 

- He was happy finally. Doing what he was supposed to do, in heaven. 

[THIS IS IN SHORT, I WANT TO WRITE MORE BUT THIS COVERS MOST OF THE POINTS BRIEFLY] 

4] JACK

- Cass and Kelly believed that Jack was good, and had a greater purpose in his life, and they were right. He spent his entire life thinking what his true role was, and he is playing it perfectly, alongside Cass. 

SO, MORAL OF THE STORY IS IT WAS IMP FOR THE WRITERS TO GIVE A CLOSURE TO EVERY CHARACTER IN THIS SHOW [THESE 4 SPECIFICALLY] AND THEY DID THAT. 

IN THE END EVERYONE GOT THE LIVES THEY ALWAYS WANTED, THEY ACHIEVED HAPPINESS, THEIR PURPOSE ON THE EARTH WAS FULL-FILLED. 

I KNOW, SOME OF YOU MAY NOT AGREE TO THIS, BUT GUYZ THAT WAS OUR AIM RIGHT? NOW WE ALL KNOW FOR SURE, THAT OUR BELOVED CHARACTERS LIVED A HAPPY LIFE AND ARE IN HEAVEN. 

CHEERS TO SUPERNATURAL.

CHEERS TO DEAN, SAM, CASS, JACK AND EVERYONE OF THOSE CHARACTERS WHO WE MADE A PART OF OUR LIVES FOR SO MANY YEARS. 

They are at peace now, and we need to CARRY ON. 

LOVE YOU ALL.         

please reblog.

Thank you for hearing me out.

#supernatural #destiel #spn #spn s15 #spn 15x20

[cherryhanji]

another day

oneshot. han x reader

genre: drama, super duper angsty, a little fluff at the end

words: 1.9k

warning(s): slight mentions of depressing thoughts, lonely reader (yeah, another day by jisung is quite a sad song for me, anyways, stream their latest album, go live!) (i really felt sad when writing this. But I hope u like it!)

Another day full of dejection. You got home early from your work after being scolded by your manager because of messing up in the cashier a while ago. You haven't started anything for your thesis. You just can't find the courage to do it.

Lots of problems keep on rushing to you. There's your landlady who keeps on knocking at your door asking for your two-month payment for your rent. The payment for the next semester. Money isn't only your enemy. But yourself too. You wanted to do a lot of things. But it feels like there's something that's keeping you away from doing it. It got slumped the most when the person you trust the most, left you in the middle of the battle. No words, just left you on the way. Jisung was your savior, your knight in shining armor, the man that keeps you from standing and fighting all the struggles that you face every day. Ever since you two split up, you feel like there's no reason for fighting anymore. There's a time that you just want to end it all. All of the pain, the loneliness that you feel. It almost got the best of you. Pressure from college, expectation from your parents whom you have to prove that you can be independent. Jisung leaving you. Luckily, your friends are still there. But they are also busy since all of you will graduate this year. You can't risk bothering them just to rant about your sulky and shitty day in school and work.

You opened your second hand refrigerator only to find out that you didn't have stocks anymore. Only bottles of water and a pack of instant ramen. You sighed and grabbed your only food for tonight. You decided to open your Spotify playlist to soothe your sullen feelings and to calm your mind.

You silently eat your ramen while scrolling through your phone. You got a notification from your online bank noting that you already received your salary for the past two months. Your face brightened at the thought. The salary is good enough(?) you think about your daily needs and for the rent. It just got delayed for two months because of the cafe's renovation. Lucky you, your salary for tutoring a kid from your neighborhood helped you for the past two months just to buy your food and stocks and some expenses on school.

After eating, you decided to give yourself a warm bath after work. You still don't have classes tomorrow and it's also your rest day from your work. However, after taking a shower, the doorbell rang stopping you from drying your hair. You checked the time, it's almost 10:30 in the evening. Just who the hell will visit you at this hour?

"Wait a minute!" You shouted from your bedroom and went to the door almost stumbling while wearing your slippers.

"Who is I-- Alexa? It's 10:30 already?" Alexa, your cousin, also your childhood friend visited.

"Oh hello to you too, dear. " she jokingly rolled her eyes at you and showed you the paper bags she brought.

"Anyways, I brought you some food and stuff cause I know how broke you are." She chirped showing you some of your favorite foods. You welcomed her inside and closed the door.

"How's my beautiful cousin? Is auntie still not talking to you?" She asked as she slumped on the sofa.

You sighed at her question. "Nothing changed, Lexie, she's still upset at me. And I got scolded by my manager earlier. Argh, it's my fault at all. I'm not with myself, It feels like my soul and sanity left me awhile ago. But something good happened, anyways. I got my salary for the last two months! I'm not broke as fuck. But I have to pay my rent. The noisy landlady keeps on bothering me. Arrgh" you said and drank some yogurt. It's been a while ever since you got to drink this yogurt again.

"Are you okay?" You looked at Alexa shocked with the sudden seriousness. You kept silent for a while before answering.

"To be honest, I'm not. It feels like the whole world already turned its back on me. I really want to do things. But I feel like there's no enough energy and motivation for me to do it."

"Is it because of Jisung?" You froze at the mention of his name. Yes, it is. You still can't move on. It's because you really don't know what happened why he suddenly left you. You should hate him for it. but you just couldn't. You slowly nod at your cousin. You heard your cousin sigh.

"Did you talk to him? You're attending the same university with him, right? Don't tell me he's avoiding you?"

"Yes, we attend the same university. But he's majoring in music, remember? I'm majoring in Psychology. So it means, we are not in the same building. And I bet he's doing all his might to avoid me." You blurted out.

"You're a hopeless case, dear," Alexa said

"I know.." you whispered.

"But, this is just an advice. If you have the courage, try to talk it out with him. You guys don't have the closure you need. Did you block each other's contact?" You shook your head.

"I didn't block his contact. And luckily, he didn't block mine too. It's just that he doesn't answer my calls. Maybe I need to talk to him in person. I just need to wait for the right time." You're determined. You just want to talk to him. Four months? Four months of not talking to him. Maybe you just need to wait a little time to talk to him.

"Yes, that's the spirit. Just remember dear, if you need something, you know you can call your gorgeous cousin." She said and winked at you. You just chuckled at her childishness.

You missed him, a lot. His smiles, his sweet voice, you missed everything about him. Up until now, you still don't know what happened to your relationship.

You wake up with a feeling of calmness after the talk you had with your cousin last night. With nothing left to do today, you decided to buy some groceries.

A calm and delightful night, Jisung playing his guitar and singing for you while you happily listen to his sweet and calm voice. You just love how he sings his heart out, you can feel the emotions as he sings.

Jisung put his guitar at the side and held your hand.

"I love you, y/n. to the moon and back. No one can replace you. We'll never let go of each other, okay? Whatever happens, we'll never leave each other." He said and kissed your hand.

"Thank you for being with me, Sungie. Even though I'm a problematic shit. You're always there for me. And I promise I'll never leave you too. I love you." You said and hugged him. He kissed the top of your head and swayed you as he hums a song.

—————

You grab a cup of coffee at the cafe near the supermarket. You take a look at the people passing by the cafe. Why does it look like they're so happy with their life? Do they have any problems at all? It seems like you're the only one who has a lot of problems. Or maybe you still don't know how to sort it all out?

While still being entertained by the walking people outside, someone cleared their throat. You suddenly turn your head to the person. You're shocked to see the person in front of you. There it goes again, the fast heartbeat, the erratic breathing as if he took your breath away. The feeling of hoping he'll stay with you again.

"J-jisung..." You called the person in front of you, almost a whisper.

"Y/N... It's.. It's good to see you here.. Can I occupy the seat?" You just nod at him. You still can't find the right words on how to answer him.

"Uhm, I shouldn't be asking this, but How are you? " he said and scratched the back of his neck. This is it. It's the right time to talk to him. Fate does its way to help you. But you can't still form any words to say to him.

"Uh, I see. Look, I'm... I'm really sorry. I mean it. I know I deserve all the hate you have for me. But can you let me explain, please.?" You just nod at him. Maybe it's good if you hear his side first.

"First of all, I'm really, really sorry for leaving you without any word. You know I love you. But you know what's my dream right? I really love to sing. So there's this agency that casted me and offered me training to debut as an artist. But the contract says there is a dating ban. I- I don't know what will I do. At first, I'm contemplating. It's hard. I love you, but I also have a dream. But I need to let go of the other to achieve one. And I'm really sorry that I sacrificed you over my dream. I'm really sorry, y/n. you can hate me. You can slap me, anything you want. I know I deserve it for leaving you." He grabbed your hand and lowered his head. You got shocked at his explanation. You're well aware of his dream of being a singer and an artist. He told you ever since he was a child, he dreams of being one. You clearly see his passion for music. That's why you understand his reason.

"But... but why didn't you talk about it with me?" You asked him.

"I'm scared. I don't know why. Maybe the thought of letting you go hurts me. I thought that not letting you know can help me. But it did nothing. I have trouble sleeping at night, knowing that you're hurting, too. I promised you I'll never let you go, but here I am, leaving you clueless as to why I left." You can feel the sadness and hurt in his voice. You really loved this man. You can't find any reason to hate him, to get mad at him. You reached out to him and caressed his fluffy cheeks.

"I understand now, Sungie." He raised his head at the nickname, that nickname you used to call him. Hearing it again makes him giddy.

"I know it's your dream. Your dream came first before me, and I don't have any right to stop you from achieving it. I'm just hurt because you left me with no word. But don't worry, I'll be okay. I love you, you know that. And I'll support you always. Be good. So that you can debut soon. And if that happens, I'll be your number one gorgeous fan." You smiled at him and held his hand. He squeezed it and smiled at you.

"Thank you, for being strong. Y/N. we can still be friends if that's okay with you. You can still love me, And I will love you. " he said. You nod at him. Hearing all the closure you two needed, a big weight just got lifted off your shoulder. Being friends with your ex doesn't hurt, right? You just need to be mature with each other. You just need to accept your fate with him.

#stray kids oneshot #skz oneshots #Han #han jisung #skz jisung #stray kids #stray kids jisung #skz drabbles

[2ki8h1]

What if Ishimaru and Mondo had both survived the killing game?

So, at the beginning of this year (2019), I decided to embark in a different project: to write a full fanfiction surrounding a certain idea: “What if both of them had survived the killing game?”. The goal of this was to include Ishimaru, as well as Mondo, in the canon plot described by the games and anime (I still haven’t read the novels or the mangas) by creating an adventure surrounding them but also focused in points I wished I saw in Danganronpa. In other words, write about their character development, their relationship (yes, it was supposed to be mainly focused on Ishimondo as a couple, slowly blossoming their romance) but it was also an opportunity to write about tragedy and despair (I enjoy writing horror and angst). I won’t reveal any major spoilers (about my fanfiction) because I haven’t decided if I will continue to work on this. I have other tasks at hand that I need to prioritise. It was supposed to be a big project which I estimated to be longer than 100.000 words. [so far, I have only written over 13k with the 1st chapter still at the beggining, while the second one is already at the middle with over 10k words.]

The point of this post: since I don’t know if I continue this or not, I would love to share the best moments I have wrote so far (both humorous and romantic and I have decided to not share any gory/sad parts). I will give context for every part I share without giving too much details.

NOTE 1: The narrator tries to put themselves in the feet of the character they are focusing on. So, they also try to adopt their way of speech and attempt to convey their feelings facing the various occasions (for example: the narrator is more crude and sad when the character in focus is Mondo)

NOTE 2: English is not my first language. So I apologise for any mistakes found.

WARNING: HEAVY SPOILERS FOR DR1 AND SDR2.

1.       “Hopes and Dreams”

Chapter: 1

Context: epilogue of DR1, looking at the metal gate that locked them inside the school, after defeating Junko.

The prospects of a new start were high amongst everyone. Makoto was experiencing a restraint holding his body, in other words, he felt tensed. Suddenly, the feel of warm leather touched his right palm. Kyoko had approached him and gently held his hand. She didn’t made eye contact however he appreciated her kind gesture. “You will not fight this battle alone.” Her speech motivated him and invoked a determined willpower from within which led him to furrow his eyebrows and squeeze her hand slightly harder. Amused by his mood changes, Kyoko tried but failed to conceal a shy, joyful smile.

Mondo walked closer to his brother and hurriedly hurled his long coat to fall over the other man’s shoulder and placed his right arm around Ishimaru’s neck to enfold him in a friendly embrace. That action startled Taka, who barely succeeded to sustain both feet on the ground after the abrupt (and clumsy) headlock. Along with an open, radiant grin, Mondo spoke: “Finally, we’re leaving this place!” Taka with his left hand reached and grabbed Mondo’s right wrist and looked back at him to return his kind words with a soft, resolved smile.

(...)

Byakuya continued to show suppression of his emotions to let his cruel image rule whatever perceptions he wishes others to have of him. Toko was next to him, fidgeting her fingers in embarrassment, peeking briefly at her “beloved” every two seconds with an odd, lustful desire on her face. Hiro, in the other hand, was screaming and crying in ecstasy, praying down in all fours, blessing the floor underneath and showing gratitude to whatever god (or alien) was looking after him.

2.       “Lost happy memories”

Chapter: 1

Context: shortly after opening the door, the survivors stand inside the school grounds but outside the building, thinking what they should do next.

Even if any of the lost memories had still not returned, Mondo remembered fondly of the small time he spent with Chihiro during the game, it had been enough for him to develop feelings of admiration towards the geek. He reached out for a specific content that was sitting inside of his long coat’s left pocket (the same coat that continued to shelter Ishimaru’s shoulders) to purposely find the set of stolen photos that served as evidence in the former trial. He glanced upon one in particular. It starred him hugging fiercely both of the baseball star and the computer nerd – he was happy. No, he was extremely happy. Look at his wide, stupid grin; it was a smile that he didn’t recall to see a long time ago. He browsed through the rest and his suspicions were confirmed. He had good times at Hope Peak’s academy. However, the collection was limited. Did he get along with the rest of the class? Were he and Ishimaru as close as they currently are or were they fierce enemies fighting about dumb things? There were a few of him smiling towards Taka. More than anything, he wanted to believe in the happiest statements. He glanced through the same photographs once again but he ended up with the same doubts. He wished to rewind time and relive through those moments one last time where he could adopt the same idiotic, relaxed posture he seemed to use back then. At least, he wished the set included a photo of him with his kyoudai. Did they also resolve their differences with a competition in the sauna? He laughed at the thought.

Ishimaru sighed while pointing at one of them. “I will miss them as well.” At the end of his index finger was a photograph captured by Makoto: They were all posing for the picture, in their school uniforms, inside their classroom (well, almost everyone - of course, Leon insisted in wearing his version of a “uniform”). Mondo turned his head to encounter red eyes glazed, stained with tears that fought to break free. Wow, he really was kind. “We were lucky… I wonder if I truly deserve to be one of the s-”

Maybe too kind for his own good. “Shut it...” He caught Taka surprised with the response. “What would I do without my brother next to me?” Mondo added, wrapping an arm around the other’s neck in a friendly way.

“Maybe it’s true. I still have a lot to lecture you about the true value of effort!”

That was not what Mondo wanted to hear “Oi-“

“And, as selfish as this may sound, I am truly relieved you weren’t the one who passed away.”

Sadness and guilt. Mondo looked at Kiyotaka and remembered how those two words felt. Those were feelings Kiyotaka was over familiar with… hell, even he knew the despair hidden behind those terms.

Mondo had quickly learned to detect those moods. In fact, he was pretty good at it! And he was unnecessarily proud of that achievement... The diagnosis? Symptoms of a low self-esteem. He still hadn’t figure it out how to improve his condition however, he had to think about it later; right now, he wanted to focus in leaving this creepy-ass school.

“Movin’ on… What th’ hell is this creepy smile?” In a sloppy attempt to change the subject, he shoved the mentioned picture in Taka’s face.

“Whatever do you mean?”

“Look at your face! You look like those creepy clowns but without the makeup. So stiff and robotic and why are you behaving like a soldier?”

“Ghk- Are you saying I am ugly?”

“Wha-! Ah- Shit! no!” just like mentioned before… embarassingly sloppy “That’s not what I meant! I just wanted to tell ya’ that ya’ need to smile naturally and not force yourself just ta’ try to look good in th’ pictures because it has the opposite result you intended!” Mondo pulled off a different photograph. In this one, they were with their gym clothes, enjoying a P.E. class and Ishi was smiling brightly while cheering for their class “For example, in this ya’ look natural ‘cause ya’ got caught off guard!”

“Oh- I see.” Disappointment was felt in his voice.

“Well- See? It doesn’t mean yar ugly or nothi’, actually I think ya’ are very good lookin’. Ya’ just look funny in photographs. Not everyone is photogenic! ... (especially you…)” he babbles.

“Thank you.” Taka released a soft smile. The type of smile someone would like to record it with a photograph “You are a very kind man, kyoudai!”

And Mondo gets easily flustered with sweet (and cheesy) praises “Oh! Stop it! Don’t worry that pretty head of yours thinking that yer’ ugly or some bullshit like that…”

“I don’t usually concern myself over those issues. But I can’t stop myself from wondering if the lack of a more relaxed posture or behavior is the result of my failures at adopting socials skills.”

Mondo couldn’t deny it. He had the same opinion. He gave it a shrug in an attempt to give the conversation a closure.

“And if I may say so myself. I think you are a very attractive man yourself, Mondo.”

Mondo blushed even harder at the sudden compliment. And again, that cute smile… if only he could make him smile like that in photos…

“I know!! What if I force you to smile spontaneously?”

A small silence broke between the two “Force me to smile spontaneously?” Mondo cringed at the obvious mistake “Did you think that through?”

“Eh- shit! Atleast I am tryin’. I don’t see ya’ spittin’ any ideas!”

Taka chuckled. Mondo never considered to see Ishimaru laugh as he did right now. It created an ambience of comfort. It’s a new side that Mondo wished to see his brother with it in more occasions. “I will try to think of something too, then.”

Observing those two talking was Kirigiri; detective mode activated: the right index finger intertwined and resting on her chin as she would normally do whenever she found herself immersed deep in her thoughts. “Those two seem to be in a good mood. It’s good to have someone to rely on.”

“Well, I consider myself lucky too. After all, I am the ultimate lucky student if I have you backing me up.”

That was… unexpected. Was he trying to be smooth, flirty or just kind? One look at his facial expression: huge smile, eyebrows tense, shoulders determined. He was definately not trying to be flirty but that comment was very effective. She turned around, flushed.

3.       “Makoto, the servant”

Chapter: 2

Context: daily life of Makoto in the Future Foundation.

Makoto had woken up with a tedious mood. He checked his alarm clock and groaned… 4 a.m., “Great!” He said before slamming the snooze button and slumping back into the flat, old pillow. He blamed Togami for that. The man continued to impose him waking up at ridiculous hours to perform the most preposterous tasks. To be honest, he sometimes felt to be Togami’s pet or worse… a servant. He cringed at the idea and quickly dismissed such unwelcomed thoughts to not further the cranky mood he was in.

“Peasant, I will need my coffee at exactly 65ºC (150ºF) with just a sniff of cinnamon or I’ll have you thrown into the dungeon. Naegi, you tell them the answer!” He adjusted his imaginary glasses, pointing forcefully to a random nearby object while attempting to copy Togami’s presumptuous act with an over exaggerated high-pitched voice. “Makoto, that was not what I wanted y-you to t-tell… t-them.“ …but he merely ended in chuckles in the middle of the last one, ridiculing his own failed attempts.

He pushed the sheets to one side and hopped off out of bed. Imitating Togami would always lighten his mood. He grabbed his phone to see what horrifying tasks awaited him that day…

4.       “Reunion”

Chapter: 2

Context: Mondo was part of the 2nd division (army) while Ishimaru belonged to the 14th division. Mondo was a soldier, facing wars in different points of the world; while Ishimaru worked in Future Foundation’s headquarters, safe from any danger. This was not their first reunion but it was the one where they spent the most time apart. The location of the reunion was in a cafeteria inside FF.

At the end of the corridor, he rested his hands over the knees to normalize his respiratory rate. One mental reminder to himself was to put his exercise in order! Those sleepless nights and postponing his exercise regime were clearly affecting his stamina. Though, he would have to worry about that later. Still panting, he recomposed to an upright stance to meet the single entrance of the beautiful building where Mondo awaited him. The smell of freshly baked buns was causing his stomach to start rumbling. He touched the glass door but didn’t push it to open. Instead he looked through the stained glass and tried to spot him. Shaky breaths were quickly turned into condensation whenever these brushed over the surface of the glass, defocusing the once clear image and forcing Kiyotaka to clean the droplets with his right sleeve. It had been wise to look for him behind the entrance door. It avoided a clumsy search inside the cafeteria for anyone to watch and whisper. He sensed something was beating fast inside of him. He confirmed that his heart was racing when he placed a hand close to his chest. Why did he feel so nervous?

The cafeteria was still pretty empty at this time of the day but a few people were starting to fill the empty chairs and placing their trays on top of the metallic round tables to start enjoying their meals. Loud laughter and loud chatter slowly scattered across the space, too much to his annoyance. He looked at his right, straight to his usual table. It was almost hidden by a load-bearing wall, away from the restless crowd and at the same time, closer to the landscape he so enjoyed. That blooming tree filled his morning with color and energy and made him believe that he could endure another harsh, boring day. Darn, someone was already occupying that… spot. Wait… sun-kissed muscles, different uniform (if not mistaken, he recognized it to be from the 2nd division), bleached long hair… That was Mondo right?

“Mondo.” he whispered only letting himself to hear before opening the door. The smile vanished in a brief second after he noticed bruises, scars and some bandages covering his best friend. Mondo turned his head around almost unconsciously to the scraping sound that the front door’s metallic base did over the tile floor, a common sound that repeated every time someone moved it to open.

Not five seconds passed when a very trembling Ishimaru had his arms around him. Mondo felt a stream of warm tears running loose in his cheeks, damping the collar of his t-shirt. Taka was crying, of course. Gently, Mondo folded his arms around the other’s midsection, pulling him to his lap to allow his forehead to drown in Taka’s neck, surrendering to the embrace.

The comments mocking the odd pair suddenly reverberated through the room, filling the air of not-so-sneaky murmurs. Without separating himself from the warmth radiated from Taka’s right shoulder, Mondo rotated his head, locking eyes with the few smug fuckers. A narrow purple iris shined in contempt out of a squinted corner of his left eye. Some deviated his looks, frighten by the former delinquent’s cold stare, while the boldest ones maintained the glare beside a derisive smile, maliciously enjoying the scene.

Yet, Taka was only focused in who held him; giving minimal concern to his surroundings. “Without hearing from you, I thought you were gone for good!” Hell, he didn’t even seem to notice the bastards around them! He only knew how his arms trembled and how his eyes hurt, overdriven with emotions.

Taka shifted to close the embrace even tighter, to reduce any amount of space that still remained between the two. The strong dedication put in those words chocked whatever sickening feeling Mondo was struggling with. Kiyotaka cherishing him was the remedy he needed to immediately light his mood and now, it was his turn to return the favor. Mondo moved one hand to ruffle Taka’s soft hair, while the left rubbed his back, working in tandem. Whatever it was, the affection was soothing the other’s tears. Mondo gave him time to compensate the time they had been away from each other so this position lasted for a few minutes.

Suddenly, Taka raised his head to look directly into the other’s eyes, who replaced kind eyes for a big smile. Mondo had a wide variety of smiles but this one, this stupid wide, teeth-clenched one meant ‘everything is alright’ where as Taka just continued to feel as hurt and tired. He inspected the scars meticulously, especially the ones across his face before unwrapping his arms around Mondo’s neck. Mondo didn’t budge but his palms slid to rest in other’s hips. Taka detected a tiny cut just under the left eye. He glared at it for a bit before rubbing it gently with his thumb to depreciate the change of texture that usually escorted injuries.

Red eyes were glazed deep in thought to which Mondo frowned and sighed. “Who are you?”

Taka was taken aback with the question. “What? Do you not recognize me?”

The exaggerated dismay on Ishimaru’s expression lines was what caused the loud, boisterous laugh that followed. It started off as a snort but it quickly developed to guffaws. That laugh only belonged to Mondo and to Mondo only. Taka simply gawked at him in absolute oblivion until the other stopped to explain. “I-I am just playin’ ya.” He managed to say between chortles “Ya’ almost fooled me with that long hair of yours, but your face continues the same. Oh gosh! How long has it been? 5 months? Hmph- it looks good on ya!”

This had not been the first time apart but it had been the longest they have been away from each other.

“This is hardly the time for games!”

“Sorry! Pout as much as you want. That cute angry face does not work on me! It was fuckin’ hilarious to see your reaction!”

Mondo conceded. He did look older, more mature, like a proper business man. He smirked turning Taka alert to his movements. He proceeded to remove his gloves and threw them carelessly on top of the table. He cupped Ishimaru’s pale but warm face against his cold hands. He flinched with the abrupt change of temperature but melted into it nevertheless. He pushed Taka’s bangs back revealing the angry wrinkled forehead and some kinky strands of hair that fought free from the grip. He noticed the obvious dark rims under the eyes, knowing full well he was the cause of that predicament. Regardless, he chose to leave the subject untouched. In any case he still had the same face and the same soft raven hair.

(…)

Although not evident, Kirigiri did worry about Ishimaru’s well being. He had a gorgeous smile when he truly felt happy and he was the only who could perform such a confidence boost in Taka.

“Hello, Mondo. It is nice to see you’re back safe.”

He looked at his right to see the former ultimate detective staring at him with a formal smile. “Hello Kirigiri. How are you?”

“Good. What about you?”

“Meh- could’a be worse!” he answered, looking fondly at Taka.

The conversation quickly died and Inadvertently, Kirigiri’s eyes fell over Mondo’s lap, where Taka was still sitting.

For once, Taka was able to read the surprise in Kirigiri’s face and immediately jumped out to his upright position leaving Mondo stunned.

“I didn’t realize I was still in y-your lap. I am so sorry kyoudai!”

He could have been quieter in saying that… Kyoko attempted to cover a snicker behind her usual thinking expression which became apparent that it would be a hard task when holding an apple in each hand.

5.       “???”

Chapter: 2

Context: after the “reunion” moment. Taka went to grab breakfast for himself and Mondo, while the other waited for him in the lounge.

Taka rushed to the kitchen without running. Old habits die hard I guess. Mondo chuckled at that. A tall man with ridiculous hair was now approaching Mondo.

“Mondo! So nice to see you again, man!”

“Same, Hagakure. How are you doing?”

“Fine. (gasps) those are some ugly, nasty scars.” Hagakure pointed it out “Are you ok?”

“No, dude. Can’t you see I’m dead?”

“AHHHHHHH- a ghost!”

Mondo is now the one stunned by Hiro’s overreaction.

“Bro… Chill… I am just teasing you… Did you seriously think I was dead? How high are you?”

“Are you sure you didn’t come to haunt me??” Hiro continued, half-hunched, covering half of his face with his forearms, squinting towards an even more stupefied Mondo,

“You have serious problems. I was bein’ sarcastic, ya’ big idiot!”

“Oh- haha! I am glad to hear it!” Hagakure quickly to his usual chirp self and laughed it off “It would be bad news if I had been haunted by a ghost.”

“Whatever man…”

Thank you so much for reading!! And apologies for my terrible sense of humour!

#my writing #danganronpa #Future Foundation AU #ishimondo #Kiyotaka Ishimaru #Mondo Owada Oowada #naegiri #Makoto Naegi #Kyouko Kyoko Kirigiri #Touko Toko Fukawa #Byakuya Togami #Yasuhiro Hiro Hagakure #togafuka #naegami

[firelxdykatara]

🔥 tvd. unleash the salt.

YOU BROUGHT THIS ON YOURSELF MEEKS

-cough-

no but ok, my biggest unpopular opinion re: tvd? (judging mostly from what i’ve seen come out of what’s left of the ‘fandom’ since s6 when 99% of it jumped fuckin’ ship, but anyway)

the show turning to shit had absolutely nothing to do with delena becoming canon

like, i’ll be reading someone’s anti tvd post, and i’ll see something like ‘it started going downhill in s4′ and nod along, but then ‘when dullena became canon’ and it’s like -record scratch-

no. hold up. -squirts with a waterbottle-

anyone who didn’t realize that damon and elena were being set up to become canon down the line as early as season one were either in denial or just weren’t paying attention. i could write for days about all the signs and all the ways their relationship developed and how they each developed as characters, but i don’t have the energy to focus on the good about tvd anymore so i don’t feel like it. (i always have energy for salt, though. must be my high-sodium diet.)

there are a couple things we know for a fact about early tvd. one is that kevin williamson was largely in charge of the show as head showrunner for the first three seasons. another is that williamson left the show after season three–his name was still on it, but he moved onto another project, and julie plec was left in charge. given those two facts, and my belief that the show’s decline in s4 was far more gradual and less visible than it was in s5, when the show jumped the shark and over a fucking cliff, we (or at least i do, you don’t have to agree but it’s the story that makes the most sense to me so i’m sticking to it) can infer that kevin williamson left at least something of an outline behind for the season following his departure, and the rest was left up to julie as she meandered her way through three more seasons–two of which the show should never have had–with only the vaguest idea of an endpoint in mind.

(as early as season 2, julie said that she and kevin already knew how they wanted the show to end–or at least, they knew what they wanted the last words to be. given that the series finale ended the same way the pilot episode did, with damon showing up on stefan’s porch wearing his trademark smirk and saying ‘hello brother’, i can buy that they had this particular scene in mind when initially planning the overall series arc. i also think that julie plec went mad with the power she suddenly had over the story once williamson left, and any other tentative plans that may have been made were either forgotten or discarded in favor of magic vampire uteruses and pointless romantic arcs and killing characters off right before the end of the show for no real reason. but anyway, i digress.)

I THINK I’VE GOTTEN A LITTLE OFF TOPIC. anyway. if delena wasn’t the beginning of the end (we’ve established that delena–if not as an endgame, but certainly as a relationship that would need to be explored–was in the cards from the very beginning, and had achieved most of its crucial relationship beats by the s3 finale [all that remained was elena gaining closure for her decaying relationship with stefan before she could fully move on]), what was?

two things, primarily: the sire bond, and the cure.

now, neither of these things seemed particularly egregious at first. in fact, up until the end of the season, i was convinced the sire bond would be revealed to have never actually existed, because the ‘signs’ were so badly contrived that they had to be red herrings designed to make the characters doubt themselves and their feelings. in hindsight, i realize the piss poor writing surrounding the bond was emblematic of issues that would plague, and eventually destroy, the rest of the series. and until it came back in season six and undid literal years worth of character development for the central character of the fucking series, i actually thought the cure plotline in s4 was a stroke of brilliance–shoddily handled in a few places, but still solid enough in execution to make up for it.

because elena, having become a vampire, needed to have the option to become human again presented to her–and then she needed to reject it. Which she did, twice, at the end of the season–first when she offered it to Stefan without a second thought, and second when she shoved it down Katherine’s throat, again without a moment of hesitation. (Technically three times, if you count the fact that she was ready to force it on Damon, but that, at least, was motivated by her desire to save his life, since he was dying from werewolf venom at the time.)

elena’s arc throughout season 4 (and that’s another of my unpopular opinions–elena didn’t change into an unrecognizable monster when she became a vampire, becoming a vampire allowed her to let go of the gloomy graveyard girl and finally learn to love LIVING again, and the fandom was so used to her as the suicidal martyr ready to sacrifice anything and everything without a second’s hesitation that they turned on her, en masse, when she realized it was actually ok to want things for herself but…. that’s a different rant altogether, ahem ANYWAY) was about learning how to be herself again.

not herself as she was immediately pre-vamping–herself as she was before her parents died. it’s no coincidence, i think, that the s3 finale (when she was being turned) and then s4 were some of the only real glimpses we got of elena’s parents, and her life with them before they died. she literally hallucinated her mother, in one of the most heartbreaking scenes of the entire show, trying to convince her to kill herself because of what she’d become–but this, notably, was a curse enacted on her by a vampire hunter. (here’s another unpopular opinion–elena killing connor had nothing to do with the sire bond. she would have killed him anyway, because he was threatening her brother’s life. am i the only one who remembers that elena, as a human, went to denver with the sole purpose of figuring out which original sired mary, so she’d know which ones it was safe to kill to protect her family? she was a human and willing to kill 75% of all remaining vampires on the planet. girl could be fucking ruthless when it came to protecting the people she loved, especially after losing so many.)

“mommy, i never meant to disappoint you.”

and then the sun came up. and just as the light hit her and began to burn, because she’d thrown her ring into the river, she looked to damon and whispered his name, panic in her eyes–because she suddenly realized she didn’t want to die. she wanted to LIVE. she DESERVED to live. and damon did what he always did best–he saved elena gilbert’s life. and that’s when she realized she couldn’t keep ignoring the things she felt for him, the way her feelings for stefan had never really recovered, the fact that she wanted to learn to enjoy the life she had instead of subscribing to stefan’s tortured broody vampire bullshit.

(ok, in fairness to stefan [loathe as i am to be fair to mister Hero Hair], i don’t think he actually realized what he was doing to elena. i don’t think he quite understood just how badly he was feeding into her self-loathing and how much he was making her think she would become a monster just like him–just like ripper!stefan if she didn’t take to the bunny diet and make like a good little vampire who never stepped a toe out of line. but i do think that as those first few episodes wore on, elena realized, more and more, that she would not survive being a vampire if she had to do things stefan’s way. and it became clear that the elena stefan was in love with was the idealized, human version of elena who’d died going over that bridge–the elena who could remind stefan of his own humanity and be his anchor to non-ripperness. she couldn’t be his sober companion/humanity anchor if she wasn’t subscribing to his bunny blood ideals.)

the bottom line being, season 4 was about elena not only becoming a vampire, but learning to enjoy her life AS a vampire. no, it wasn’t something she’d chosen for herself, and maybe it wasn’t something she ever would have chosen for herself–considering that even as far back as the end of s2, when the possibility of turning was first presented to her as a real possibility, she was talking about a future where she grew old and maybe even had kids and started a family, things she wouldn’t be able to do with stefan, meaning that even then, in the back of her mind, their relationship came with a potential expiry date (and then we got ‘i can’t think about always, i can only think about right now‘ in the s3 finale, further cementing that)–but while she’d gotten exposed to so much of the darkness inherent in being a vampire throughout the first three seasons and then her own vampiric awakening, she also got to see the good.

her no-humanity arc was kind of essential for this, btw. (is this an unpopular opinion? probably. i’m gonna pretend it is so it doesn’t seem like i’ve gone too far afield here.) which is another reason i hated that stupid fucking sire bond, after i gave up the idea it’d be revealed to be fake, and choose to ignore it in my own interpretation of canon–because there was no need for it. elena just lost her brother, the one remaining member of her immediate family, the one she’d gone to extraordinary lengths the entire season to protect. she was in unimaginable fucking pain. she was in agony, because not only was her brother dead, but she was still a very new vampire and her emotions were spiraling out of fucking control.

she would have absolutely destroyed herself in her grief, if she hadn’t been presented with an outlet. something she absolutely would have chosen for herself, in that moment–damon talking to her softly, reminding her that there was a way she could just be without needing to feel everything, and elena latching onto that one tiny bit of hope, that maybe for now she didn’t have to be in so much pain she thought she might actually fucking die on the spot from it. elena making that choice for herself–actually, you know, having some fucking agency as the central character of the series–would have been a much better choice, both from a narrative and character perspective. BUT ANYWAY.

it was during her stint with the switch turned off that elena first got a real taste of how fun and how freeing being a vampire could be. if the Idiot Brothers hadn’t banded together to try and force elena to be human again against her will, i really don’t doubt that the worst she would’ve done was snatch-eat-erase a whole bunch of people and live it up in the seedier unberbellies of various big party cities for a while. but whatever, the damage was done and eventually elena had her switch turned on by watching matt die, and feeling the relief at seeing him wearing the gilbert ring, and etc.

she largely had vengeance in mind once she was back to her more or less ‘normal’ self, but a crucial part of her development over that particular arc was the fact that she no longer hated herself for existing.

that was huge. it wasn’t given the focus or prominence it should have had, and i’ll again blame that on the weaker writing that was filling the gaps left by kevin williamson’s departure, but elena was no longer the suicidal martyr she’d been since the beginning of the show. she enjoyed living. she reveled in the strength she had, in the fact that she was no longer the Token Human, the doppelganger whose blood attracted all kinds of atrocities. she could protect herself now. she got closure with her brother, when the ghosts came back for a while, and with alaric, and she basically gave herself permission to want to have forever with the man she loved.

(and the fandom villified her, for it. because of fucking course they did. because she was a teenage girl who’d spent most of the previous four seasons dying or preparing to die or literally ready to slit her own throat without a second’s hesitation when it came to protecting people she cared about, but now that she’d decided it was ok to want to be selfish for a while and be with who she wanted without feeling guilty, suddenly it was open fucking season. but ANYWAY.)

where was i?

oh. yeah. season 5.

like i said, season 4 was a little shaky, but more or less solid–it wasn’t until after season 6 that i realized the signs of the show’s downfall had started in s4, with the cure and the sire bond heralding much worse things to come. it was s5 where the show really went off the rails.

here’s another unpopular opinion–it was absolutely character regression to have damon acting out the way he did that season. yes, in seasons past, damon acting out was a big part of his progression–two steps forward, one step back, but still slowly but steadily moving forward. but by the time we get to s5, damon had literally everything he wanted. he was BLISSFULLY happy, with the woman of his dreams, living in utter domestic bliss for an entire summer before she went off to university. and this trashfire of a show actually tried to convince me that he would’ve left their bedroom for more than five minutes, let alone long enough to drive across the state and murder some innocent human woman over a sixty-year-old grudge he’d never so much as thought about the entire time he was in mystic falls????? really?????

as if that weren’t enough, this man who witnessed, first hand, elena’s love for her brother, and who had grown to love him too–who was desperate to save his life on more than one occasion, including VERY RECENTLY in the show–would let enzo waltz in and nearly murder him??? i’m????? god

and then katherine stole elena’s body, and i was fucking done.

 literally ragequit the show once elena got her body back, because i was that fucking pissed. they literally had to do so much character regression and assassination to even make it work???? they had to put bonnie on a bus to ‘away from the main plot’ville just so that she couldn’t tell anyone that katherine hadn’t actually crossed over–even though she was right fucking there in the living room with them when she saw katherine’s ghost, and she would have known immediately that something was wrong because katherine disappeared rather than crossing over. and then they had to make damon devolve so he wouldn’t be in a position to realize elena wasn’t herself. and then everyone else carried the fucking idiot ball, except matt who was promptly compelled, and TYLER who nearly died about it, ALL so that no one would notice what had happened until damon was right there with katherine!elena trying to get him to kill her so she could kill him so he wouldn’t reveal what she’d done, and i JUST.

anyway. the awful thing is, the last few episodes of season 5 were really fucking good. it felt like the show had gone back to circa s3 levels of writing. and then s6 was ok for two episodes and then…. fucking nosedived off a cliff and into the abyss.

elena losing all her good memories of damon just so she could fall in love with him all over again was one of the worst writing decisions ever made. just, in history. completely. we didn’t need to see them fall in love in a rushed and half-assed manner when we’d already gotten a beautiful four-season arc of their love story. at the VERY LEAST, they could have had her just lose all her memories, similar to stefan’s s5 memory wipe, so that it wouldn’t seem weird that she thought he was a monster and loved him anyway because something something toxic bullshit. (oh, yeah, i’m still bitter af that they had to beat us over the head with DELENA IS TOXIC YOU GAIZ as if they didn’t have one of the healthier relationships in the show until it was decided that there wasn’t enough drama so they had to make damon regress and elena excuse it in a series of increasingly ooc writing decisions)

UH. ANYWAY YEAH.

as a sidenote, tyler and elena’s friendship had a lot of potential to be something kind of fucking amazing, and it’s one of the most underrated friendships in the fandom, which is a fucking shame because i would have loved to see them get closer and have a real bond as supernatural orphans who’d had almost everything and everyone they cared about torn away at one point or another.

god. ugh. TL;DR: delena was planned from the beginning and was in no way responsible for the show going to shit, it just had the unfortunate timing of becoming canon right before the show became terrible; elena gilbert was an amazing protagonist and character in general, who should not have been hated for daring to be a teenage girl who wasn’t always fully aware or in control of her own feelings, and who dealt with so much grief and trauma in such a short time that it’s nothing short of a miracle that she eventually found her way back to the girl she’d been before, happy and sure of herself, and people just couldn’t recognize elena when she was happy so they decided she randomly changed when she became a vampire and it was All Damon’s and Delena’s Fault; stefan was a terrible boyfriend for most of their relationship; damon was wildly out of character for most of season 5; and the memory loss arc in s6 was pathetic and actively harmful to the show as a whole and especially damon and elena’s relationship and perception in fandom; oh, and tyler and elena had an amazing and horribly underrated friendship that should have gotten a lot more focus than it did. (i’m still mad tyler was put on a bus so much rather than allowed to be like, present in the lives of his only remaining friends lmfao.)

#rorykillmore #asked #anti tvd #elena gilbert #delena #MEEKS THIS IS YOUR FAULT #I WAS GONNA GO TO BED #INSTEAD I SPENT AN HOUR AND A HALF WRITING THIS #apparently there are depths to my salt mines i had not yet reached #i don't always get mad about tvd bc i've totally moved on with my life of course #but when i do #i drink eat sleep and BREATHE that salt #and dos equis i guess

[bma-2020]

POST-SERIES THINGS, HOW MALLY GOT TO THE OYSTER WORLD.

(Notice for spoilers to Sy/fy Alic/e if you haven’t watched it and care abt spoilers or smthn)

     WHICHEVER method of Mally during the miniseries we go with (Method one: She joins Hatter and Alice on their endeavors when Hatter goes to find her in the forest. Method two: She’s been trapped in the Casino for awhile, after Jack Heart finds out where she is, goes to interrogate Hatter, and she turns herself in to ensure he doesn’t get in trouble for it.) This is how it ends up.

As Bean pointed out in this one post from probably 2014 or so since I was already following bean by that point, that I will forever be linking to even tho Bean doesn’t write Hatter anymore n tries to hide the fact that Bean can do math better than basically everyone or at least me, before Hatter goes through the looking glass to find Alice, it’s at least three months in Wonderland time. That’s why he’s all healed up, has nicer hair, changed his hat, god better clothes, all that. 

Whatever happened, I do have it where Mally was with him during that time. Whether it’s the healing period from being trapped for so long, or just her trying to fix him up because he’s a wreck and in denial of being a wreck, either way, she’s not the kind to ditch her friend. Especially when the new king is the same dude who she was forcibly engaged to before she ran away, gaslit her, tried to convince her to ‘work with him’ and he could ‘convince his mother to let her go’ before she was sent down to the asylum, she’s not happy about the current royalty. That, on top of how he’s treated hatter in the past (I know the series doesn’t go into it but I highly highly highly doubt Hatter was that antagonistic towards Jack just out of jealousy and because he was the Queen’s son, it seemed a bit more personal than that. ) she ain’t about that.

But, she notices just about everything about Hatter. Now, of course, as much as I don’t say anything bc I don’t want ppl to be all ‘oh you’re trying to force ship’ when a: i’m not. b: unrequited shit. c: this was canon for her when I wrote w other hatters throughout 2013 or so through 2015, I didn’t say anything, I avoided saying anything, but Mally definitely has always had some kind of love for him. It’s in her nature, she is in love with Hatter, and she won’t say anything, so I don’t either. We all know how I am, I don’t even tell people when I do ship the muses and would wanna write it out cause yknow, I have massive anxiety about that and scaring people away so if I let them come to me abt it instead its not my idea first and I can’t be ‘awful or terrible’ for being a person yknow how it is. 

Anyways, she definitely would have noticed that he was missing Alice. And, while from how we know my writing goes, she has those reflections of the original wonderland, she has vague memories of the original alice ( which, in the version where she was taken by Jack and put back in the asylum, those memories expand a lot. Thus meaning, she remembers a whole lot more about the original wonderland because she can’t avoid it in that situation.) she liked Alice H, but she didn’t view her as the ‘legend’, she didn’t see her as an ideal, she honestly would have preferred if he wanted to go find the OG Alice, but long and behold.

She’d convince him to do what was best for him.

Even in the situation where he’d be trying to help her out of that trauma, she’d still tell him not to worry about her, because she only wants what would make. him. happy. 

And yeah, that fucks her up when he actually goes.

I don’t think she said that with the belief he’d actually go, so him actually going definitely wasn’t expected. She wouldn’t have wanted him to go, she wanted him happy, but I think inside she actually thought he’d just choose her over someone he knew for three days. That’s her headspace, don’t twist my thought process on this bc I actually ship this specific version of h/attice but mally would still be like ‘you knew her for three frickan days dude’

so she’s extremely not okay during the first few weeks after he left. Jack tried to contact her during that time, he’s still trying to get her to work with/for him, she’s not about that. Even in a completely damaged state of mind, she ain’t gonna go with Jack Heart for anything.

But, during that damaged period, is when the Cheshire Cat comes back. She’s talked to him before, he’s the only one with complete memories of the prior world and the current world, he doesn’t actually tell anyone anything. He talks to her about the Wonders. She does wander off to try and find the Vorpal Blade, and she does. In the process, she comes across Necros.

Necros spoke to her for a few moments, and ultimately when she said she didn’t want to be around him, he left her alone. One of the first people since Hatter to show her any ounce of respect like that, tbh. She does have a moment of time where she ends up in the Court of Swords, learns her mom is a Queen, all that jazz, realizes her own mother wants to use her for something, nothing pretty comes of that. 

But, within a few weeks, she ends up having a breakdown in the forest, she’s alone, she’s abandoned, nobody wants to help her, everyone she meets wants to use her, the one person she thought wouldn’t hurt her left her for a girl he knew for three days. and then Necros finds her, alone in the forest of Wabe, he doesn’t say anything to her, but he does offer her a hand, and she ends up going with him. That’s how she ends up coming to the underground.

Necros, Celeste, the underground just treats her nicely. She’s not used to it, she sees that nice treatment as a huge ‘what the fuck’ tbh, she’s just like ‘idk what’s happening rn but they arent hurting me so’ Necros has Monstrous Crow train Mally further, as Monstrous Crow can replicate others powers and helps them to fully achieve their ‘perfect’ status. From what she understood, they weren’t helping her to ‘use’ them, they were trying to help her not have to isolate herself anymore. With Monstrous Crow’s powers, they were able to develop a stronger version of her brother’s injectables that allowed others to touch her (as, March and Hatter were the only two that weren’t affected by her extremely cold temperature). 

This was a lot stronger than the one her brother developed. They made one that she could take instead. Granted, if she takes it, it weakens her excessively for days at a time, so Necros doesn’t recommend she take it over convincing whoever else to do it, cause they only need one injection and they’re done, never have to worry about it again. She’d have to do it every few days and it hurts her, they tried finding a way outside of that, because she could get to the point of her own power where she can stop it, but she’s not there yet. She might never get there. 

And, she chose to stay with them because the idea of completely getting rid of the Hearts family and bringing the true royalty back to Wonderland (the High Arcana, since the White and Red families weren’t around anymore, either finding a surviving relative fit to rule or convincing the court of fools to stop keeping away from it) and Mally actually made it go beyond that. She wanted Alice to come back and rule because nobody would be more fit to rule than her and Necros agreed, thus it seemed fitting to put her in charge of their operations in the Oyster land. 

Now, a lot of the underground are magical and they’re scientists. They learned methods to transfer back and forth from the oyster world without the time shenanigans that happen with others. This basically means that they can use the looking glasses they made to traverse back and forth and the time they spend in oyster land, when they go back to wonderland the same amount of time still passed. They went beyond the study of realm travel to ensure they didn’t lose anything. 

Monstrous Crow went with her, and the original idea was ‘saving’ oysters that... were better than average humans, and who were suffering in their realm and needed to be accepted, needed people to help them feel better about themselves, honestly because who better to convince to be on your side than someone longing for positive attention. Mally still helps with that, but she’s also going beyond that, and she’s trying to find out where Alice Liddell went. What happened to her. 

She knows that after 150 years of their time, it could have been more for the oysters, and she knows oysters dont live that long. But she also knows Alice wasn’t all human, that there was something supernatural about her that gave her the ability to control aspects of Wonderland. Therefore, she believes that she can’t be entirely gone. Part of her had to be reborn into someone or something else and that’s who Mally’s trying to find, particularly hoping that she’ll be like Mally is and have recollections of the past. That’s her main goal. 

But, there’s another goal she has too. She is actually trying to find Hatter. I think it’s more for closure on her end, to learn if he’s happy, see if his ‘ditching her’ made life better for him. That would lead to a lot more emotional spikes on her end cause, lbr, she’s gonna think abt the fact that he was only happy after leaving her behind, she acts extremely self confident but internally she’s a mess. 

#out. #a. about. ( DARED TO STEP OUTSIDE THE LINE. ) #i dont know why anyone would reblog this but #...... please don't reblog my verse stuff kthx

[the-desolated-quill]

Arachnids In The UK - Doctor Who blog

(SPOILER WARNING: The following is an in-depth critical analysis. If you haven’t seen this episode yet, you may want to before reading this review)

Spiders. It had to be fucking spiders, didn’t it?

Normally I watch each episode multiple times before writing a review in order to pick up on every nuance and detail. With Arachnids In The UK however, I just about managed two viewings and that was a Herculean effort I can tell you because... you know... fucking spiders. So apologies if this review isn’t as detailed as previous ones. Frankly you should be grateful you’re even getting a review of this at all because... you know... FUCKING SPIDERS!

So then. Let’s talk about the fucking spiders. The fear factor of this episode will depend on how you feel about spiders in general. If you’re one of those weirdos who keep tarantulas as pets (seriously, what’s wrong with a dog or a gerbil or something? Can’t you just be normal?), then you probably found this quite quaint. If however you’re like me, a confirmed arachnophobic and colossal wuss, Arachnids In The UK most likely terrified the fucking life out of you.

But wait. It gets worse. I would have been shitting myself if the spiders were regular sized, but that’s not enough for Chris Chibnall. Oh no. These spiders are ever so slightly bigger than that. How big, I hear you ask? Think Aragog from Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets.

Yeah. That big.

At this point I’d like to extend a massive fuck you to Doctor Who’s special effects department for really putting in an almost criminal amount of time and effort into making these giant, eight legged demons from hell look as photo realistic as possible. Each individual, computer generated hair rendered with absolute care and attention to detail, making the spiders that much more skin crawling to look at. I mean it wasn’t as if I was planning to sleep that night anyway.

I also have to begrudgingly commend Sallie Aprahamian for her direction. The lighting, camera angles and use of sound really help create a creepy atmosphere and build tension effectively. Because spiders, even massive spiders, aren’t the type of monsters to jump out and attack you directly. No, the little fuckers like to sneak up on you and catch you unawares, and that’s what this episode really takes advantage of.

So what reason did Chris Chibnall come up with for giant fucking spiders to exist? Genetic experiments and toxic waste. Stupid? Yes, but so is the idea of a wooden blue box travelling through time and space, so let’s not get too critical. Just pretend that scientist works for Norman Osborn from the Marvel Comics and go with it.

Let’s move away from the spiders (quickly please) and talk about the characters because they’re, once again, the strongest part of the show. The Doctor is still just as delightful as ever with Jodie Whittaker switching from comedy to drama effortlessly. I especially liked at the beginning of the episode where she’s noticeably sad to be saying goodbye to her new friends only for her face to light up again when Yasmin invites her for tea. After Steven Moffat’s ‘the Doctor lies’ bullshit and Twelve acting all brooding and stoic, it’s refreshing to see a Doctor who displays their emotions openly. I also liked the way she interacted with the spiders. While everyone else is understandably shitting themselves, the Doctor is the only one who tries to give the spiders any kind of dignity, even going so far as to comfort the giant mummy spider at the end as it dies. She doesn’t view them as disgusting or frightening. They’re living creatures like her and deserve the same kindness she would give to a human.

Of course the main purpose of Arachnids In The UK is to get the companions to sign up for more adventures and I really like how this is done for the most part. Ryan is very quickly becoming my favourite companion and Tosin Cole is clearly having a lot of fun in the role. My favourite scene in the whole episode was him using grime music to lure spiders into the panic room. That got such a big laugh out of me. He’s just a really likeable character and I love how he’s growing and developing. He’s come a long way since The Woman Who Fell To Earth. He’s become a lot more confident and I think it’s because he feels he can achieve great things with the Doctor. He likes that he feels valued by her and that’s nice to see. And he clearly still has a lot more room to grow as shown by his scenes with Graham, which are easily the highlight of the episode. His negligent father wants Ryan to move back in with him, calling himself his ‘proper family,’ which irks Ryan. Over the course of these four episodes, Ryan and Graham have grown so much closer as Ryan slowly starts to let Graham in. I love their camaraderie and the understated love between them and I can’t wait for the episode where Ryan finally calls Graham ‘grandad’.

Graham too is brilliant. We see him return to his home and start properly coming to terms with a life without Grace and I love how it’s portrayed. New Who has an unfortunate tendency to really overegg the pudding when it wants to elicit an emotional reaction from the audience (see the Tenth Doctor’s farewell tour or the Eleventh and Twelfth Doctor’s ghastly final monologues). Chris Chibnall so far really seems to understand that less is more and the same is true here. There’s no obnoxiously loud sad music or sappy monologues. In fact the imaginary conversations Graham has with Grace are actually quite mundane, talking about when to put the bins out and things like that. What makes these scenes so powerful is Bradley Walsh. His performance, his facial expressions, everything he does sells the pain and heartbreak Graham is going through. It’s truly an acting masterclass that puts the previous showrunners attempts to tug at the heartstrings to shame.

I’m very curious to see what happens to Graham going forward. Him wanting to travel with the Doctor in order to cope with his grief and avoid knocking around an empty house is quite a compelling reason to become a companion. Haven’t really seen that done before. And... is it just me, but is this coming across as a bit... death wish-y? What with this and his cancer recovery as well, I’m deeply worried something bad is going to happen to him come the end of the series. I really hope not. I would be devastated.

Finally there’s Yasmin and... yeah, I’ve mentioned before how I’m not exactly warming to her. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t hate her. Mandip Gill is doing a great job with the material she’s being given and Yasmin is a nice enough person, but as I’ve said in previous reviews, she comes off as a bit superfluous. Even the introduction of her family doesn’t really do much to establish her as a key member of Team TARDIS. In fact she’s coming across as an amalgamation of Rose Tyler and Martha Jones. Rose because of her desire to find something more in her life and Martha because she wants to get away from her boring and annoying one dimensional family. She doesn’t really stand out as her own character and I put it down mostly to the ensemble cast. It’s the classic case of ‘two is company, but three is a crowd.’ It’s the same reason why Susan and Adric got sidelined in the classic series (as well as the fact that Adric was an irritating little shit that deserved to be smacked upside the head) and she just pales in comparison to Ryan and Graham, whose characters and storylines are much stronger and more interesting. I really hope she gets a chance to shine soon because so far I honestly couldn’t care less about her, and considering she’s the first ever Muslim companion, that’s really disappointing.

Since we’ve shifted to criticism, lets talk about the supporting cast. Yasmin’s family, as I said, are quite boring. They’re just your typical family with the typical overbearing mum (maybe it’s time for New Who to consider stopping all the family stuff now). The scientist... exists, doing nothing other than to introduce the spiders as a plot device and occasionally give exposition on spider ecosystems. Finally there’s the hotel guy, played by Chris Noth who tries to wring every last drop of comedy out of the part and is actually quite amusing on occasion, but sadly doesn’t have an actual character as such other than being a painfully on the nose parody of Donald Trump. Not only is this futile in and of itself because some could argue that Trump is so extreme that he’s practically impossible to satirise, but also nothing ever really comes of it. He’s a prick at the beginning, he’s a prick at the end, and there’s no real payoff or satisfying closure. Not only does he not learn his lesson, I actually found myself agreeing with him a few times. Like what’s the difference between shooting the spiders and locking them in a panic room so they can eventually starve to death? And what was the Doctor planning to do once she herded the giant mummy spider out of the ballroom? Set it up in a nice cozy bedsit? And if it’s suffocating to death anyway because its lungs have grown too big and can’t absorb enough oxygen, wouldn’t shooting it be the kindest thing to do at that point?

While I’m on the subject of guns, how the fuck is his bodyguard able to get away with carrying a gun in Sheffield? You’re not in America now, sunshine. And how come Yasmin, the police officer, doesn’t do anything about it or the fact that her mother was wrongfully dismissed? (at gunpoint. I need to keep pointing that out. Her mum was fired from her job at gunpoint in Sheffield). Come on Chibnall!

Arachnids In The UK has flaws to be sure, but its excellent execution of the main plot and threat as well as its genuinely touching and heartwarming moments between the main characters that help it stand out. The weakest episode so far, but still very enjoyable.

#arachnids in the uk #chris chibnall #doctor who #thirteenth doctor #jodie whittaker #graham o'brien #yasmin khan #mandip gill #ryan sinclair #tosin cole #bbc #review #spoilers

[flowerchildhoseok]

My Euphoria

Pairing: J-hope (Hoseok) x Reader

Genre: Angst, Fluff

Word count: 2.4k

Warnings: Light swearing

Technically a part 2 to You’re My Fear but you can just read it as its own story 

(a/n: so thanks to my friend who convinced me to write a fluff for Hobi so here you guys go! Feel free to tell me how to improve or drop in your requests here )

Stressed. That’s just what Hoseok was feeling. Plain stressed. With the tour coming up and all, there were a lot of preparations the boys had to make, and of course, putting spectacular performances for ARMYs is the core goal to achieve.

Early morning (or should I say late midnight) practices has clearly taken a toll on the boys, especially on Hoseok. Being the lead choreographer and dancer doesn’t really scream easy on him especially with Namjoon and Jin dancing. The same thing cycled every day, whether it was leaning a new choreography or practicing and revising current choreographies, they practiced through them all.

For the past few months when Hoseok was tired, stressed or just having a bad day, his mind wandered off to something, and without fail the first thing he pictures is your smiling face. His fans, even his members called him the sun but you, you were his shining sun. This time was no exception, the boys are currently having a mini break and his mind was immediately preoccupied with the thought of you. This time however, it was different. Smiling images of you was soon replaced with your face filled with tears.

“I have no right to think about her, not after what I’ve done to her,”

Hoseok cleared his thoughts before continuing on the choreography he had been working on, pushing all thoughts he had about you aside.

Around 10:30 pm rolled by and the boys just finished eating their dinner, and of course, it’s back to work. Not long after they started practicing on their individual/group stages, Jungkook came looking for Hoseok’s help.

“Hobi hyung ah, uhm can you help me with this part of the dance? I just can’t seem to get the footing and the timing right,”

“Uhm sure just give me a moment,”

Being the youngest, Hoseok had no problem in immediately helping Jungkook.

“So which part?”

“This part right here,”

Jungkook was preparing for a surprise performance with his solo song Euphoria, and of course the song included a dance. Jungkook turned on the video along with the music, showing Hoseok where he needed help. The instrumental played and he was concentrating on the dance, but his mind soon went back you when he heard the lyrics of the song that came after.

“You are the sun that rose again in my life”

His sun, you.

You were the only one that could light up his world with just one smile. You were the only warmth that could melt through his walls to his true self that he desperately hid from his fans.

“The second coming of my youthful dreams”

You, you made him cherish his youth.

Before he met you, all he wanted was to dance and work hard, not even giving himself a chance to rest and enjoy time. That all changed when you walked into his life. Sure, he still loved to dance but once in a while, you would make him stop and go out to have some fun. Whether it was having sleep overs or going on late night arcade dates, it made him realise that he wanted to have more fun memories of his youth, fun memories with you.

He snapped out from his thoughts after Jungkook called him, not noticing that he had paused the video some time ago. Jungkook sighed, he knew what his hyung was thinking, after all, they were roommates once.

“You miss her, don’t you?”

“What…?”

“Y/n, you miss y/n don’t you”

“I….”

No, he cannot, he has no right to, not after what he did. Looking at Jungkook, he was reminded of that night. He felt rage boiling through him again, he was furious when he saw Jungkook cuddling you, both sleeping on his bed, he was furious at how you were in someone else’s arms, but most importantly, he was furious when he saw your face filled with tears, and that he was the reason behind those tears. He was furious at himself, for making you cry. After you left that day, Jungkook told him everything and the reason why you were with him. Feeling extremely guilty, Hoseok told Jungkook the truth about the whole event that led him to hurt you.

“I do kook, but… but I can’t, not after what I did to her…”

“But hyung, you can’t do this to yourself, please, you have to talk to her,”

“No kook, I can’t, I just… I just can’t okay”

“Why not hyung? For the past two weeks you have been nothing but a moping, walking rain cloud, even the others are noticing and asking questions. Please just talk to her plea- “

“I CAN’T BECAUSE I’M A FUCKING COWARD OKAY, I can’t because whenever I see her, all I can think of is how I made her cry, how I hurt her, how I lost her. Do you think I have the right to even talk to her because I damn well think I don’t”

“Hyung, I’m sorry if you feel that way but hear me out okay? She still cares for you deeply, she doesn’t think it’s your fault cause you guys weren’t even dating. So please hyung, just talk to her please”

“Bullshit Jungkook,”

“No, hyung it’s true okay. Ugh she told me not to tell you just in case you get mad but, she still texts me just to check up on you, to make sure that you don’t overwork yourself, all of us or that matter, but mainly you. Why do you think I keep passing you snacks and water? I’m doing it on behalf of her. So please, talk to y/n.”

He just felt even more guilty. You are such an angel, you still cared for him so much, even after he deliberately hurt you, he really did not deserve you.

“I’d really want to but do you think she would even let me talk to her? Do you think she’d even wanna see me?”

“Well, that’s something you’ll have to find out for yourself hyung. But please just talk to her at least to give you some closure. I just don’t wanna see our sun be so dim,  and that includes all of us”

After Jungkook’s pleas, and very little thought, he decided that he will talk to you, right now.

“Hey guys, I’m gonna call it a day, I just realised I have something on, meet you all back at the dorms okay? Bye,”

Out ran Hoseok after quickly grabbing his things, running to his car (it’s actually Jin’s but shhhhh). The others just gave a quizzical look, usually he would be the last to leave, but he was never EVER the first to leave. Finally being able to talk sense into Hoseok, he smiled to himself.

“Good luck hyung, you can do it”

The members were even more confused at this point but they just decided to question them tomorrow and continue their practice.

•

•

•

•

15 minutes later…

Hoseok pulled up beside your apartment building and he practically ran to the elevator, pressing the button to your floor. Walking up to your door, he was about to ring your doorbell when all of his doubts started running through his head. What if you don’t wanna see him? Looking nervously into his phone he just realised the time – 11:56 pm.

“Shit what if she’s asleep? You know what fuck it, here goes nothing”

Gathering up his courage, he rang the doorbell. In what felt like forever, you cautiously open the door to find a sweaty, nervous, messy and extremely sexy Hoseok in front of your door. Without hesitation, you invited him in, fearing he might catch a cold from the night breeze. The atmosphere immediately became heavily awkward right when you closed the door. Not daring to go any further than your hallway, Hoseok just leaned into your doorframe, looking at you shift awkwardly.

“Damn how does she look so beautiful even in your PJs? FOCUS HOSEOK THIS IS YOUR CHANCE YOU IDIOT MAN UP” pushing his thoughts aside, he finally spoke.

“Y/n,”

You looked up at him when he spoke your name, you tried your best not to jump and hug him, you missed him so much, even him just saying your name made you weak.

Hoseok continued, shaking you out of your thoughts.

“I am so sorry if I woke you up, I know you have work tomorrow but… But I have something important to tell you….”

“No no it’s okay uhm I was just about to make a snack so uhm yeah what brings you here Hoseok? Do you need something uhhh I don’t know how I am of help but – “

“I’m sorry”

“What?”

“I’m sorry y/n, I am very terribly sorry, for being with that girl, for making you cry, for hurting you, I am sorry” His voice cracking up at the last part.

“Hoseok ah, please don’t be sorry, you don’t have to be, we’re not even together to begin with, if anything, I should be sorry for being emotional about it”

“No, y/n, you don’t understand, I hurt you, that’s what happened. Please, don’t feel sorry, I should be the one feeling sorry okay?”

You were about to say something until he cut you off again.

“I don’t know an explanation is what you need right now but I’m gonna give you one anyways, because you deserve to know. My friends from Gwangju came to Seoul and invited me out for drinks, I initially said no because you were coming over but they told me it’ll be only for a few hours. I went any ways cause they’re my friends. I got batshit drunk and this girl was all over me, I wasn’t thinking straight and well… that’s what happened. I’m sorry y/n you must hate me even more now,”

“Hoseok, I could never hate you really, I was hurt because every time when I hinted that I wanted something more, you just, brush it off, but knowing that you had sex with her just made me feel that maybe you don’t like me anymore”

Seeing your sad smile, his heart strings pulled, not knowing you felt that way.

“You wanna know why I never want to go further than just making out? It’s because I’m in love with you y/n, I’m head over heels fucking in love with you and I just don’t wanna make you feel that I’m only with you because of the sex, because you deserve much more than that, much more than me. You don’t have to forgive me but know that I’ve been missing you like crazy for these past two weeks.”

Finally giving up on your self-control, you hugged him. You felt him jerk up from that sudden action, but soon, he melted into your arms.

“Hoseok, I forgive you. And I am so sorry for being so selfish, only thinking about myself when all you thought of was me.”

Wrapping his arms around you, he spoke again.

“Y/n, stop it please, stop apologising for things that you’ve never done wrong. You’re an angel, my angel that still checks up on me even after I made you cry, my angel that never fails to keep reminding Jungkook to take care of me. And I love you for that. So please just stop apologising.”

Pulling away embarrassed, you asked bashfully,

“So Jungkook told you huh? And you’re not mad?”

“How could I ever be mad at my angel, y/n?”

Smiling to yourself, you finally replied back the words he always wanted to hear.

“Hoseok ah, I love you too.”

Sure, he had heard you say it before, but it was full of sadness and hurt, but this time, it was filled with happiness and love.

Cupping your cheek into his palm he leaned closer to your face, finally his soft plump lips met with your own. It was a kiss filled with sorry and love, as if apologising for everything and showing you that he loves you. Pulling away slowly, you opened your eyes, just to be met with his own dark brown orbs, looking back at you.

“I love you, y/n, I really do, so please, be my girlfriend?”

“I love you too Hobi, and yes I would love too”

Smiling at the nickname that you hadn’t used in two weeks, he kissed you again, this time full of passion. Things were getting heated until you pulled away.

“What’s wrong y/n?”

Looking at him panicked, all you could do was giggle.

“Nothing Hobi, it’s just that it’s late and I have work tomorrow, not to mention you need to shower.”

“Ah shit you’re right, it’s okay I’ll go now.”

You grabbed his hand immediately, not wanting him to leave.

“No, uhm, I was actually thinking if you could just stay the night, I mean I won’t force you too, but it’s late and I have spare clothes and I was also thinking that uhm thatwecouldcuddletogethertosleepyaknow,”

Laughing at your flustered self, he took your hands to look at your cute blushing face.

“If my angel wants me to stay then I will, anything for my babygirl,”

Feeling your cheeks redden even more at the new nickname, you led him to your room where you picked out some oversized shirt and sweatpants, it might not fit him but it’s something. Handing Hoseok a towel, you gushed him into the shower.

After Hoseok was done showering, he walked into your room to find your sleeping form on the bed. Smiling to himself, he climbed onto the bed, being careful to not wake you up. He was met with your sleeping face, peacefully in a sleeping bliss. He looked at how the moonlight shone onto your face, how your long lashes casted a mini shadow on your eyes, how your mouth was slightly ajar and how steady your breathing was.

 Kissing your forehead, he softly spoke his promise to you.

“You are so beautiful y/n. You have no idea how much you changed me, how happy you made me these past few months when I met you. I promise to never hurt you ever again because you deserve the world and so much more. I love you so much y/n, and you are and forever will be my euphoria.”

(a/n: I wrote most of this ard 2 am so I’m sorry if there’s any mistakes) 

​

#bts #bts fic #bts angst #bts fluff #bts smut #jhope x reader #jhope x you #jhope fluff #jhope angst #jhope smut #hoseok angst #hoseok fluff #hoseok smut #namjoon angst #namjoon fluff #namjoon smut #suga fluff #suga angst #suga smut #jungkook angst #jungkook smut #jungkook fluff

[myrkvidrs]

I continue to read in Elf Problem fandom, just not terribly fast--which pretty much describes the pace of Tolkien fandom in general. (EXCEPT LATELY, HOLY CRAP, THE FALL OF GONDOLIN IS GETTING A BOOK, THAT WAS JUST ANNOUNCED TODAY!!) But I still have a lot of feelings and there's still some absolutely gorgeous, utterly rewarding fic being written, so here HAVE SOME ELF PROBLEM FEELINGS.

TOLKIEN FIC RECS: ✦ Bridges by Bodkin, thranduil & legolas & ocs, valinor, 27.7k       Legolas and his wife's father just cannot get on. But elven life is long - and understanding will grow in time. If only they can learn to listen to each other... ✦ Boromir's Return by Osheen Nevoy, boromir & entire lotr cast & some ocs, 522k       Boromir awakens from his death and finds himself in an unexpected situation. ✦ The Dragon of Rohan by French Pony, faramir/eowyn & appearances of aragorn & gimli, 11.2k       Following the first real fight of their marriage, Faramir learns a little bit about Éowyn's past, which prompts a change in their relationship. ✦ Quenta Narquelion by bunn, feanor & maedhros & maglor & elrond & elros & feanorians & cast, 119.5k       Fëanor, dead, watches the First Age unfold and from time to time, joins in. Canon-compliant character death and a detailed account of the Eastern Front of the War of Wrath. ✦ In Courts of Living Stone by ncfan, maeglin/finduilas & eol/aredhel & melian & cast, 31.2k       Maeglin and Aredhel never flee Nan Elmoth for Gondolin. Twenty years later, Maeglin finds himself in Menegroth on a mission for his mother, seeking another road to freedom. But he is unprepared for what awaits him there. AU. ✦ Three by Geale, aragorn/legolas/arwen, nsfw, 7.3k       One is unbearable, Two is desirable, Three is completion. Legolas left Minas Tirith soon after the War to spare himself the pain but when duty calls him back, everything has changed. ✦ Tales from Vairë's Loom - Estel en-Aderiad by Fiondil, celeborn & galadriel & elrond & glorfindel & elladan & elrohir & legolas, 3.4k       A group of Elves journey to Mordor at the end of the Ring War to find closure and something else. ✦ Tales from Vairë's Loom - The Blue Wizards’ Dilemma by Fiondil, the blue wizards & ocs, 3.7k       They were sent to bring help to the tribes of Men who had rebelled from Melkor-worship in Middle-earth. They were doing well in their mission until a fateful invasion put an end to their plans. Now they had to come up with a new one. ✦ This Taste of Shadow - "in sickness, in health" by Mira_Jade, beren/luthien, 1.6k (for this chapter)       It came upon her slowly, like a whisper of the wind before the rains came. ✦ This Taste of Shadow - "who touches the pupil of my eye" by Mira_Jade, aule/yavanna & saruman & namo/vaire & thingol/melian & luthien & nerdanel, 1.5k (for this chapter)       Prompts: See, Hear, Touch, Sense, Smell ✦ This Taste of Shadow - "so there will be no forgetting" by Mira_Jade, bilbo & glorfindel & thorin, 3.2k       Magic, Gandalf had said when they entered the valley, but Bilbo Baggins was quite certain that the Grey Wizard was mistaken. For this had to be more than even that. ✦ Return to Aman by bunn, elrond & maglor & cast, 151.6k       A loosely associated series of stories about Elrond's return to Aman at the end of the Third Age. All these assume that Maglor son of Fëanor was one of the other unnamed Elves who accompanied Elrond, Galadriel, Gandalf, Frodo and Bilbo on the ship when they left Middle-earth. ✦ Oropher, Thranduil, Legolas by KayleeArafinwiel, thranduil & legolas & cast, 1.1k       Snippets and bits about the journey of three scions of the House of Elmo, the burdens of lordship and kingship, and the joys of fatherhood and childhood. ✦ This Taste of Shadow - "made for whispers" by Mira_Jade, celeborn/galadriel, 4.6k       There were times when the knowledge of just how far away from home she was caught her by surprise. full details + recs under the cut!

✦

Bridges by Bodkin

, thranduil & legolas & ocs, valinor, 27.7k

     Legolas and his wife's father just cannot get on. But elven life is long - and understanding will grow in time. If only they can learn to listen to each other...

      I never used to think too much about reading fic with a lot of OCs, but Tolkien fandom (at least the Thranduil & Legolas parts of it) almost kind of demand it, if you want to build something for them, and I'm at the point where I hardly even notice it anymore and instead just jump right in with those authors who are really good at building up the world around them, while not losing sight of the characters that I'm really here for. So, Thranduil and Legolas and their family in the Fourth Age in Aman? Where Legolas is hurt and trapped in a cave-in with his father-in-law who doesn't really like him and they have to find common ground and a better understanding of each other, while the rest of their family searches for them? Sign me up for that! And it was like sinking into this nice, warm bath to read, it was so easy and comfortable and warm and spot on for what I wanted, that there was some satisfying Legolas whump, there was Elves being Elves, there was just really good, lovely writing and fantastic characterization (they all felt 

spot on 

to me!) and it was incredibly engaging. It was the right length for the story being told, it did a great job of balancing all that it was trying to put in there, and was just a really, really good read that got me back into wanting to read about these characters again! ✦ Boromir's Return by Osheen Nevoy, boromir & entire lotr cast & some ocs, 522k       Boromir awakens from his death and finds himself in an unexpected situation.       I do not know where to begin with this rec, because I'm not sure how to encompass everything that this fic is! When I first picked it up, it sounded like it could either be great or it could be terrible--such an unassuming title and summary, using a first person narrative, the importance of an OC in the beginning, a truly impressive length at well over 500k. All of these seem like red flags being thrown up, if you've read much fic over the years. But I thought, well, I can just read the beginning, see how it goes, it's long enough that I can read quickly and not have to worry about savoring it. So, I started to read and was nearly instantly sucked in--and maybe it wasn't until a chapter or two later that I realize it, but this fic is masterful. Every choice the author makes in this fic is one that I support--the OCs are absolutely necessary, but even more than that are wonderful, I came to care about Boromir's new friend just as much as any canon character, he was beautifully written and the friendship between them tugged at my heart something fierce. The first person narrative is actually a great choice because it allows for getting into Boromir's head in a way that a third person fic would not, it allows the fic to show so much more of his character than could have otherwise been achieved. And, holy shit, the length was pitch perfect. This fic never flagged, it never felt overly drawn out, every scene was a joy to read, everything contributed to the greater whole, the pacing was fantastic so that I kept wanting to read what was coming next, no climax felt like an ending or the aftermath a let-down. Instead, I can scarcely look back to the beginning and see how far these characters and this story came without it feeling like I started the fic another lifetime ago, in the absolute intended way that I should feel looking back on this fic.        It covers so much of the events of LOTR, but from the point of view of Boromir in Gondor, unable to return to help the rest of the Fellowship, to give new events that found the perfect balance of what happened in canon versus how things would change in this AU. The events themselves were true to the spirit of the story and the narrative, I 100% believed this fic every step of the way--and the author showed their work, making every step clear how things happened and unfolded and made it so interesting along the way. The blend of action versus the moments between the fighting, the rebuilding of Gondor and Boromir's life, all of it was incredible.        But, oh. The best thing about this fic. The characterization was magnificent, every single step was brilliant for every single character. Boromir himself is breathlessly perfect, but also the characters around him shine with such fascinating presence, from the Hobbits to the other Men to the rest of the Fellowship, everyone is seen through Boromir's eyes, how he feels about them, but also you understand that he comes with his own biases. It was incredible to read every single scene with Aragorn, how human he is in this story without making him anything less than the incredible figure of the books. It was fucking awe-inspiring how well Denethor was written, how complicated and difficult and charismatic he could be, how Boromir saw all his faults, how he was not an easy man to be around, but you also saw his strength and his motivations and what drew people to him. I never doubted why Boromir or Pippin or the rest of Gondor loved him so much.        I've been reading this fic over the past two months and it's been my comfort place, the fic I pick up when I just want to read something that totally engrosses me, the fic that just made me happy to read, even when things were difficult for the characters. I could have easily read another 500k or more of this fic, I feel a little bereft now that it's gone from my life, and it still stuns me how well used everything is, how everything is so incredibly true to the canon, and everyone is so layered and individual and fascinating. It might seem daunting or not that interesting, but it's truly one of the best fics I've read in any fandom, not just this one, and the length doesn't matter because time seemed to lose all meaning while I was reading, it just slipped by me as I was engrossed in the world this author created. Everything is done to perfection and I honestly am sad that I have no more of this author's work to read. ✦ The Dragon of Rohan by French Pony, faramir/eowyn & appearances of aragorn & gimli, 11.2k       Following the first real fight of their marriage, Faramir learns a little bit about Éowyn's past, which prompts a change in their relationship.       I enjoyed this story so very much, both for the building of Faramir and Eowyn's relationship as well as the glimpses into her past, why she feels so strongly about a certain element in her home. I love how their relationship is portrayed here, it's not perfect, but it's so good , they're still somewhat getting to know each other, but they manage to work things out and make everything even better between them, and I'm just delighted by the sense of a beginning here, how they're building their home and their marriage and their life together. The addition of Aragorn and Gimli in their respective scenes was further a delight and it made the whole thing just an absolute joy to read. ✦ Quenta Narquelion by bunn, feanor & maedhros & maglor & elrond & elros & feanorians & cast, 119.5k       Fëanor, dead, watches the First Age unfold and from time to time, joins in. Canon-compliant character death and a detailed account of the Eastern Front of the War of Wrath.       Rec #1: When I first picked up this fic, I wasn't really sure what I was going to get or where it would be going, with Feanor's spirit refusing the call to Mandos and how that would affect things and what it would all mean. What I got was a bit of an exploration of what it meant to be a bodiless spirit in Middle-Earth, but then more and more an exploration and expansion of the storyline of The Silmarillion from that point on. It's gorgeously written and pulled me in hard, it gives such detail and depth to the storyline and the events that happen, especially once the attack on the Havens happens. It's also an exploration of what the Oath does to the sons of Feanor, how they do/don't react to it, how it drives and directs them--in a way that's woven around all the other plot stuff that's happening. This is fascinating all the more because Feanor himself is watching as a spirit, one who cannot really speak with the living without danger (as the living and the dead should not speak to each other) and this gives him the breathing room to step back from his anger and really see how his actions have created this tidal wave of effects. It's beautifully done for how it doesn't excuse Feanor or his sons or their followers, it doesn't try to make villains out of the people they attacked, but still makes you understand why they do what they do and have such deep sympathy for them. You understand why Elrond and Elros love them so much. You understand why the Dwarves are such longtime friends of them. You understand why many Men are longtime friends of their as well.       This is also in a fic where there's such thought put into the magic and arts of the world, the music and spirits that linger and the words of power and how they're tied to the fate of the World and what it means to be Elves. It's a fic that has so many moments from The Silmarilion given life , like what it's like to be in that part of the world when the Valar themselves finally come to fight Morgoth and the devastation it leaves in their wake, what it's like to spend that many years fighting and fighting and constantly having to struggle to get up when you have no hope left, all of it wrapped up in really beautiful, thoughtful characterization. I wasn't sure I'd like another fic (at least not for a long while) after Return to Aman hit so many of the buttons I wanted, but this one just knocked me over and wouldn't let me get up until I'd read my way through all of what was available (and I'm recommending this now because it's regularly updated, so even as a wip, the rec will stand!) and it's one of those that makes this fandom satisfying to be in!       Rec #2: I wasn't sure what to expect when I first picked this fic up--Feanor as a spirit watching over the events to come? And what I got was one of the most satisfying pieces I've read in awhile, that it starts as a Feanor piece, but it's also just as much (and sometimes moreso) a story about giving detail and breathing life into the story of the First Age, the story of the Feanorians. It's got gorgeous worldbuilding (the use of songs and various abilities, the power in words and voice, the touching of minds, the ability to call on things, all of it is blended together with the story in a way that utterly made sense to me, it felt like Elves, especially ones from the First Age) and it's gorgeous characterization and it's gorgeous canon gap filler. It's a story that takes the frame of canon, then builds and builds on it, so that it's this really coherent narrative, both in terms of the worldbuilding and in the characters--you get why the Feanorians do what they do, your heart breaks for them as they slide more and more into evil, because they aren't evil, but they have done so many evil things that they are inseparable from it. It doesn't dismiss the terrible things they've done, it doesn't deny that they truly did evil, but also it shows why they're so beloved, why Elrond and Elros love them, why their story is worth telling. On a narrative level, it's kind to both sides and that gives the story such depth and brilliance that a flatter reading of it (one side or the other being entirely ~bad~) would never have reached.       I enjoyed the story for the structure of it, the building up of various abilities (the Elves' magical powers just fit so well into the world that I could easily take it all for canon) or the Dwarves or various other Elves (besides the Feanorians or the Peredhil), all of that is gorgeously done. But the moment I will always remember most came in the second to last or last chapter, with Feanor watching over Maedhros and Maglor at the end of all of this, that got me. It got me so hard that I sat there in public, with tears welling up in my eyes, because I was affected by these characters and their journey, the way they were written. It's a beautiful piece for the Feanorians, you can feel the affection for them as characters without losing what makes their story tragic, that they have become evil through the sheer scope of the things they've done, and yet I want so, so badly to save them, because I fell in love with them over the course of the story all over again. And it's not just me being a fan of the characters, it's truly that the writing is gorgeous, that everything the fic sets out to do, it achieves, and I wish I could articulate it better, how much I loved reading this, how good it was, how well it did everything, because it really helped me through some tough times when I needed it, just by being so good. ✦ In Courts of Living Stone by ncfan, maeglin/finduilas & eol/aredhel & melian & cast, 31.2k       Maeglin and Aredhel never flee Nan Elmoth for Gondolin. Twenty years later, Maeglin finds himself in Menegroth on a mission for his mother, seeking another road to freedom. But he is unprepared for what awaits him there. AU.       I did not know how much I needed this AU fic until I read it and had such trouble putting it down! Maeglin accompanies his father to Menegroth, a letter from his mother hidden on him to ask for help, and there he meets Finduilas and tries to find the best way to speak to Galadriel and pass her the letter without his father noticing. There's such thought and care given to the worldbuilding of Menegroth and the Elves here, what that place must have been like, what it's like for the Elves living there, what it was like for Maeglin and his limited experience. It's such a great piece for his character, it really does such a fantastic job with this poor kid who has been hidden away and is so inexperienced and so ground down, but still desperately wants to do something , even amongst his fear. It's a really lovely look at how things could have gone better for him if he'd met someone more suited to him, the dynamic with Finduilas just sparkles here, it was a relationship that I absolutely fell in love with and it had such a natural grace.       But also Menegroth as a whole! The little details of how it affected Maeglin, the stars on the ceiling, the pulsing feeling of everything, the way Melian was so otherworldly, like she was there and yet not, the way she felt alien and such a heavy pressure to her. She's like Menegroth here--there's something genuinely terrifying about her, yet also beautiful and wonderful. The way such life was breathed into Finduilas as a character, she had such a vibrancy about her that you could believe everything here was plucked straight out of canon! It's a fic that achieves everything it set out to do and, sure, I'd loved another 30k for a sequel fic, but also I was satisfied with what was here--it was fascinating and a beautiful piece to read. ✦ Three by Geale, aragorn/legolas/arwen, nsfw, 7.3k       One is unbearable, Two is desirable, Three is completion. Legolas left Minas Tirith soon after the War to spare himself the pain but when duty calls him back, everything has changed.       Every time I read Aragorn/Legolas/Arwen fic it just further cements that I really do love this trio more than any single pairing and this fic just fed further into that. It's wonderfully balanced, especially the way it starts as more Aragorn/Arwen + Aragorn/Legolas, but eventually does become a trio, because, you know, Elves. It's a blend of angst and happiness, it's aching to read at first, but such love comes through that I felt entirely warm after reading it. There's a brief bit of sex that's lovely and hot, too, but it's mostly that I believed this scenario for them that really got me. ♥ ✦ Tales from Vairë's Loom - Estel en-Aderiad by Fiondil, celeborn & galadriel & elrond & glorfindel & elladan & elrohir & legolas, 3.4k       A group of Elves journey to Mordor at the end of the Ring War to find closure and something else.       This wound up being one of my favorites in this fic collection, where a group of Elves journey to Mordor to see for themselves the land of their fallen foe. Once again, the balance between all that's been lost, the heart of things, and the hope found amongst the rocks and hard ground, is wonderfully done. The moments each character gets to think on what (and who) they've lost, the aches they still carry with them, but that eventually they pull through to a lightness of heart again, it's very Elven and had me eating this fic up like candy. It's nicely done as a group piece (which is not always easy!) and as an aftermath piece. ✦ Tales from Vairë's Loom - The Blue Wizards’ Dilemma by Fiondil, the blue wizards & ocs, 3.7k       They were sent to bring help to the tribes of Men who had rebelled from Melkor-worship in Middle-earth. They were doing well in their mission until a fateful invasion put an end to their plans. Now they had to come up with a new one.       Given how little we know of the Blue Wizards, it could be difficult to come up with an interesting story to tell about them, but given how much I've enjoyed the other fics in this collection, I was perfectly willing to give this one a shot as well. And it is interesting to see what the author did with the scraps of information we have, how much was built up in such a short time, how the focus on these singular moments in the middle of greater plot machinations tell so much and how humanized these characters (both the actual humans and the wizards both) were. Even going in knowing very little, I felt like all of this absolutely made sense to me and that's a great achievement. ✦ This Taste of Shadow - "in sickness, in health" by Mira_Jade, beren/luthien, 1.6k (for this chapter)       It came upon her slowly, like a whisper of the wind before the rains came.       This was a really lovely and sweet moment with Beren and Luthien, how she gets sick for the first time after becoming mortal and how it's kind of quietly terrifying, but she embraces it in the way she always does, as well as Beren is just so kind and charming here, you can absolutely see why Luthien loves him so very much, why this life with him is so very worth living. It's a sparkling, warm-hearted piece that really captured one of those quiet moments that shows just how much deep and true love there is here. ✦ This Taste of Shadow - "who touches the pupil of my eye" by Mira_Jade, aule/yavanna & saruman & namo/vaire & thingol/melian & luthien & nerdanel, 1.5k (for this chapter)       Prompts: See, Hear, Touch, Sense, Smell       This is a series of shorter ficlets connected through a themed prompt set as well as a sense of loss and difficulty, how each of these characters deal with such things. Aule's loss of Mairon, a favored pupil, Namo trying to understand the process of death in the early days, Nerdanel mourning her losses, and so on. It's a lovely set and adds these little touches of something you can really empathize with when it comes to all these characters. ✦ This Taste of Shadow - "so there will be no forgetting" by Mira_Jade, bilbo & glorfindel & thorin, 3.2k       Magic, Gandalf had said when they entered the valley, but Bilbo Baggins was quite certain that the Grey Wizard was mistaken. For this had to be more than even that.       One of the most frustrating parts of Peter Jackson's movies is what they've done to the Elves, especially the Hobbit movies, even having set them from the Dwarves' point of view. This is a lovely look at Bilbo learning a bit more about the swords they carry from one who is very familiar with them and then another lovely look at Bilbo telling Elven tales, showing the depth of them to some who would like to deny it. It was a nicely cathartic read for me, as a fan of these characters and this history, but it's also a really great look at giving depth to the time Thorin's company spent in Rivendell, fitting between the scenes of the movie very nicely! ✦ Return to Aman by bunn, elrond & maglor & cast, 151.6k       A loosely associated series of stories about Elrond's return to Aman at the end of the Third Age. All these assume that Maglor son of Fëanor was one of the other unnamed Elves who accompanied Elrond, Galadriel, Gandalf, Frodo and Bilbo on the ship when they left Middle-earth.       I don't even know where I'm going to begin with this! I read this entire series over the course of about a week, the only thing that kept me from devouring it all at once is that I didn't want to run out of it too quickly--and, yet, here I am all caught up and desperately wishing I had another 80k+ to read through right now. It's a collection of stories about Elrond and Maglor journeying to Aman in the Fourth Age, about healing and humor and what comes next for the Elves, now that their time in Middle-Earth has ended and they have to actually deal with seeing a son of Feanor again, that Maglor has to deal with the Oath and what he's done and his sorrow over it. I'm interested in these things just for themselves, of course, but this fic series has been absolutely incredible at giving such sharp personality to everyone, that Finrod has such an incredible sense of humor and rolls with a joke, that Nerdanel has such common sense, that Elrond may be younger than most of the Elves here but he's Seen Some Shit as well as he has an incredible way with building bridges between people, that Bilbo and Frodo are such Hobbits and genuinely feel different from the Elves, that Nimloth has to be experienced rather than described, that Celebrian seems so delicate and yet has such strength to her, all of it is incredibly sharp and brilliant. I came to this fic for the concept and the lore, but wound up staying even more for the sheer gorgeous characterization and deftness at which this really feels like these characters' thoughts, feelings, and actions.       Which isn't to say that the lore isn't incredibly well done, too! The story feels just a little bit formal in the way the Elves speak to each other, there's just a touch of poetry in their words and actions, but in a way that's incredibly smooth and engaging to read! And the bits of worldbuilding, the way they see into each others' minds or the way their power works, that Maglor knows he could use his harp and voice as a weapon possibly even more deadly than his sword, that the Oath is a burning thing in the minds of Feanor's sons, that the time in the Halls of Mandos is not so easily described. All of this add such richness to the story being told, all of this is why I'm fascinated by the Elves! And I wish I could write a better rec for this series, I wish I could write a rec for each of the (at current) eleven stories, because they deserve it, because they utterly enraptured me and satisfied me on an emotional level. It's a story about forgivenes and where that line is, that Maglor has regretted so many things, that they weren't just monsters, they were thinking and feeling creatures as well. That he has to live with the fury that's aflame around so many Elves that he hurt, but also that he struggles with pride and his own wounds, the loss of family.       It's a story that makes the Feanorians sympathetic again, that doesn't excuse what they've done, but that holding onto grudges never heals anything. I'm incredibly on the side of the people that they hurt, but this fic got me feeling things for the Feanorians all over again, especially because it's so very clear that Maglor loves dearly and hates what happened, that it destroyed him in a way he'll likely never recover from, especially not with the strength of Elven memory. But it's still a road worth walking, coming back to life and healing. And, oh, even the one conversation between Nerdanel and Feanor here had me practically rolling over in my bed to clutch my reader to my chest for the sheer amount of feeling it gave me. It's a fic that's so beautifully written all the way through, that has such care put into it and different perspectives considered and finely written dialogue that it really, really earns the slow burn redemption that it's going for. It's an incredible story that I'm so glad I'm getting to read. ✦ Oropher, Thranduil, Legolas by KayleeArafinwiel, thranduil & legolas & cast, 1.1k       Snippets and bits about the journey of three scions of the House of Elmo, the burdens of lordship and kingship, and the joys of fatherhood and childhood.             These were very short snippets of fic that were lovely to read and I picked them up because I, too, headcanon that Oropher was from Elmo's line, though, I don't think you really have to be that familiar with The Silmarillion to enjoy this! They're shorter fics and really cute scenes, very much about the care and feeling between the Elves, just little details to fill in the world and connections between them all. It was a lovely read today! ✦ This Taste of Shadow - "made for whispers" by Mira_Jade, celeborn/galadriel, 4.6k        There were times when the knowledge of just how far away from home she was caught her by surprise.        I have definitely been on a Celeborn/Galadriel kick lately, especially takes on their early courtship days and how the reveal of the Kin-Slaying events and the tension between the Noldor and the Sindar would have affected this relationship. It's a look at such a strong character like Galadriel, who has her pride and her sorrow both, that she feels stained and cursed, that in a way she truly is, and doesn't want to spread that to this Elf she is coming to love, but also will not settle for crumbling under the weight of what she bears. The way she moves from Artanis and Nerwen to Galadriel, the way she is proud and unbreakable, the way she grieves for what they've all been through, all of it is so Galadriel. And the way these two interact with each other, the sharp connection between them, the pull that neither of them could possibly deny, the strength and elegance and grace of both of them, the sheer might of both their presences in a room, all of it is very, very nicely done and suits them so well. I can easily see this as how things might have gone!

#thranduil #legolas #galadriel #feanor #maedhros #maglor #elrond #elros #celeborn #boromir #fic recs

[nanashi1869]

🌼Flowers for my wounds🌸

(@kondo-hijikata @liuet in case you feel like reading it? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ )

~Yes, woo what a surprise, a long rant about the Shinsengumi again, how original Nashi. ~

Why thank you, dear reader ;) In all seriousness though, all the previous rants I made were spoiler free and it made me ridiculously furious that I held back all the salt and awe I have in me just for the sake of not spoiling any potential newcomers. I’ve covered some of this in vague posts hundreds of times, but today I will break that habit, I will spoil this to hell and back and enjoy it just as much.  

You've been warned.

PS: I’m doing this entirely based on my memory and some snippets I’ve seen one time too many for my own good. Inaccuracies are bound to happen. 

As always, what better way to begin than with the infamous episode 33...

I'm kidding, today I'm starting by digging into the post office. As with the usual routine the theme to talk about with this wreck is - guilt. Guilt over losing money in a gamble like a complete fool, guilt over buying a book and being too big of a shit (with rather solid arguments) to admit it, guilt over making rules you can't break even though going through the consequences once was enough to make you regret it for the next few miserable years... (Yes I lied, inadvertently everything comes back to the foolish daffodils). But let's talk about our pure accountant who is one 'i' short of being nothing but cute. Let's talk about the edge they put us on a bit before the main event took place, when the (drama version) of the idiot trio tore that scroll. Never forget that could have been the reason for all our tears, yet in the end it still had to be some more complex scheme. An act with the convict being an innocent man and the true criminal roaming free, while Toshi had all the time in the world to steep in deep, raging self-denial over the legitimacy of his past actions and life choices, all the while ending up the scapegoat to whom all the anger can be directed towards. The subtlety with which we were deceived to think the "actual events" of episode 38 were to play out earlier is truly commendable. But with this drama nothing is ever easy. You get to know a new character, someone moves a chess piece and then instead of moving forward everything takes a step back and lets you seethe with nervousness because, without realizing, you've been tricked and have to wait for all the heartbreak a while longer. Takeda's resolve to keep to his decision, regardless of consequences, was in his eyes, completely justified. It did make sense to try and prevent Kano from buying the book for Ito in order to protect the group from his growing power, the action simply failed due to Toshi's own greed after it. Kawai innocently, perhaps naively, thought lending money more than once would not be punished in hopes his friends would be saved from harm. It is his kindnesses that is ultimately his doom and it is the unexpected, usually harmless twists in life that turn it into a spiral with no point of return. Takeda's following quest for redemption ends up being just as pointless as Kawai’s death - he is killed in an instant of hate directed at him, where the assailants are unaware of his reasoning for the justification of his friend's demise. The book too, loses value as Ito gets his own copy later on.

Most, if not all, tragedies in this drama happen because someone is trying to protect or shield - and idea, a person. Toshi's friends die because he must protect the order of the group for Kat-chan, Yamanami and Akesato have a rift in their final moments because they cannot be honest (likewise Souji and Hide), Kat-chan's relationship with Tsune suffers because he lies about Miyuki, Nagakura and the others write the petition to shield the group from Toshi and Kat-chan's (propensity) ego. The pattern is pretty clear.

I'm going to loop back to the script for just a second - watching this drama knowing what will happens adds a thrill, it makes you question when an event will take place even though you know the chronological sequence, because the “mini-arc” leading up to it has to be completed first and the tension must be just right. How long that is depends on the episode and event of course. But each arc is a stepping stone to a new point of no return.

I think, since I've mentioned him, I'll take a bit to talk about Ito as well. I love, love, love the confrontation Kondo and Ito have right before his death. It's absolutely stunning despite being simplistic in nature, because what Kondo states is in fact the very obvious truth and in no way some overly wise notion of the situation. However, it's that simplicity (to me) that adds to the charm of the scene. If you expected some courageous battle of wits, you might have been sourly disappointment, but otherwise - see the pattern? - what brings people to their knees is once again the basic things in life. Kondo’s sincerity, the fact that life is and always will be (mostly) separated into black and white for them. Farmers and samurai, poor and rich - they fit in a narrow grey zone, yet even there they are bullied, pushed away to leave. It's everything complex they're trying to achieve being haunted by little things. It's the desire and determination to be something big and more buried into the ground by the small things they were raised with, holding them back.

Ah, it’s about time this goo got to the good part.

No, it’s still not episode 33. Firstly because I’m sure everyone is tired of my whining about it and secondly because I like to leave best (in my opinion) for last.

This is for our Gargoyle and Tofu. Just imagine, for a second imagine that final hug again and bathe in it, then come back to me, okay? The wedding rings champagne caps and Toshi’s little grimace when he tries to convince himself ‘it’s not over yet’. (At this point I would just like to praise Mitani again for giving us closure with that hug, unlike some other shows I watch *side eyes knife pile*). I’m really glad the two of them got to hug it out before the whole deal blew up. Everytime a ‘Kat-channn’ or ‘Tossshii’ came around my heart melted a bit. THE DYNAMIC IS SO GOOD. (I get so, so jealous each time I see well written relationships between two guys. Doesn’t matter if it’s boyfriends/best friends/would-die-for-you combined or only one of these included. (*cough* NIF & Bleach for one *cough*) I don’t even know what to say! We all know Toshi would sacrifice the world for Kat-chan. We all know Kat-chan trusts him above all else. The guilt one feels and the content of the other having come so far together and being such a power combo…*noises*

I don’t even know how to put this.... (@kondo-hijikata help this is your expertise)

I’m going to move on to some more feathery stuff because I’m really at a loss about these two (analysing NIF’s LC/MCS has engraved so deep into me it’s ruined my perception for everyone else, I apologize).

Right, feathers…

I wrote about Serizawa and his issue of not being able to get over his “I’m a bad guy, therefore I must act like it” complex...somewhere before. I can’t find it, but I’m very sure that was once a thing. I know most people hate the man with a burning passion and part of me probably does too, yet the way he is presented also makes him fascinating, like he is very self-aware but cannot change anything about that (this is similar to Toshi’s “indifference” (we all know he actually cares) of his path to become the villain - he knows that what he is doing is morally wrong and has no intention of stopping). I feel like in the end both of them continued with “bad guy” roles simply because they were too far down that road to stop.

I would analyse Serizawa’s character more, but I honestly don’t remember much anymore. I did want to mention this though.  Toshi on the other hand…feels like someone who desperately wishes to rage quit everything, but keeps on going out of pure spite.

And since I’m speaking of our beloved vice-commander - one thing that opisses me off is that Kotetsu got mentioned, but the whole wow deal with Kanesada got dropped out, even in the movie. *cue bawling over that Katsugeki finale* I was hoping for that when Tetsu showed up dammit!

Am I tiring you yet? Come, sit down, have some tea Gen-san made because he is totally ok and alive an happy and you cannot convince me otherwise because the hugging thing did not happen. Period.

…

Lastly, because my mind is going blank this is quite long - the bane of my existence and the one thing (to me) more cursed than Ryoma himself. (I’m lying PMK upped this x100000 and I am not over that either. I’ll confess immediately I did not read the whole thing yet but this, this haunts me).

This stupid episode with it’s stupid ending and it’s stupid decisions. *insert me yelling about rice balls on the Mibugishiden review post* I mean what is it with this drama and ending brutally sad episodes with (unintentionally?) funny moments? *cue Toshi’s squeaky crying* I have covered my thoughts about Akesato here and here though and since that essentially recaps everything I want to say, I won’t repeat myself. (Thought you’d have to read through 5 more pages of me screaming? I did too before I forgot what I wanted to say.)

I might make a part 2 someday, if I think of more to say, but for now, I’m done, leaving you with this stressful mess. Feel free to add your own opinions, I’m really curious about what the rest of you think.

~Nashi out~

#taigaqueue #personal #long ass rant just because #this has been a while in the making #I HAVE FEELINGS OKAY

[basement-office-log]

Some Thoughts about BTS...

So... this is basically, the story of how I got in and out of the BTS fandom. (Okay not exactly out because I’m still casually following them nowadays)

How I discovered them is ironically, like many of you, through youtube. It was just before the Run era I guess??? (around the end of 2015). Like somewhen between the Dope and Run era that I got in the fandom.

I guess I can consider myself as one of those depressed fans (lol), I actually remembered there was a option in the BTS fan survey around their BS&T era(???) that said “are you the kind of person that is easily depressed” and I ticked yes.

Almost instantaneously, I fell for the song “Butterfly” it was just the prologue that released back then. The MV was beautifully made, with a sad happy yet depressed undertone, perfectly described how I’m feeling back then.

I first noticed I’m depressed back then in 2015 (let’s be honest, college makes everyone depressed), more like “ahh so this is what being depressed is”. 

And what now... I’m writing this after a tiring long day at work so things may jump back and forth... 

Both their HYYH albums, I had gone through countless late nights listening the tracks on repeat, those are still my favourite albums up till today. Beapsae, instead of partying, that was the song that kept me awake till 5 a.m. ahh those memories... Same with Dope, I did not read the english lyrics until the hundredth repeat lmao. I was actually expecting the song to be about how cool I am, come to oppa and I’ll make you the princess kind of lyrics but ehh boi you surprised me with those raps hmmm....... 

And... Jungkook, I did not like him when I first got into the fandom, to be honest. Because he’s younger than me and also he’s the center, main vocal of the group, despite the youngest. I remembered I was like, wow cocky brat isn’t it. Hehhhhhh but I grew to like him over time anyway, he’s cute, talented, good looking and all but still, it would be hella a headache if I were to have a younger brother like him.

It took me a year to like Jungkook because... The more I look at stuff, he’s just a regular boy, growing up, working hard, trying not to disappoint his parents and people around him. In a sense, aren’t we all just like that? There really is no reason to hate. 

Another member is Jimin. He’s another member that I don’t quite like when I just got in the fandom. We all know that he acted a bit flirtatious during his debut days, up to the Danger era, honestly, his eye make-up makes me feeling uncomfortable to look at him. That’s the first thing. The appearance and the way he acts, in no way I’m trying to say he’s ugly, because if I were to compare myself to him, umm I probably looked like a bum lol.

It took me a lot longer to like Jimin, it’s until the Spring Day era that I thought, alright Jimin is charismatic and cute, admit it. Hah yea... Now, this is when the second stage of not liking Jimin comes. I started to fear him. It’s weird I know, why would I scared of “the mochi of BTS” Let me tell you why.

It’s scary to see how hard a person can work, that his goal is probably more important than his life. It makes me think that I am not and will not be a person like this, living is more important than what I am achieving. I wouldn’t want to risk my life doing things, however important that thing might be. Well people said, you will never achieve your goal like this if you don’t put your life on it. But I don’t care about that, but at the same time I’m feeling guilty about that. 

It might be a Korean thing, we all know Koreans worked insanely hard because of society standards. Or it also could be a Jimin thing, Nevertheless, this man have my respect. The respect that I keeps me away from accepting him.

I’m kind of in the neutral range with Suga, J-hope and Jin like they are cool, fantastic, great people. 

-----

This is almost 24 hours later, since the last paragraph. Again, a long and tiring day, after work, prolly a few minutes away from losing consciousness (a.k.a. falling asleep lol)

This shit is going to be very VERY long, nah it doesn’t matter because no one is going to read this anyway, even if I tagged BTS below, I’m writing this for myself.

I’ll just briefly talk about RM and V before going into my main topic today, (all because I cut myself off yesterday to hit the hay ekkk).

Rapmon bro, the reason why I decided to look into this group is because of his mixtape. I have 2 of his tracks in my old phone back then, everything was gone when my phone literally died a few months back. (The whole album is available for free download anyway so its all good) I have no interest in hip hop or whatsoever back then, but I became interested in hip-hop just a little after listening to his mixtape album. He is really someone I look up to, honestly, it’s no easy job to be a leader, not just in idol groups but just in every field in general. I tried becoming one because my mother always expect me to be one, after a few attempts (it was back in high school by the way) I thought it’s just not my thing, I’m more of a following instruction kind of person, I do my part and make sure everyone is okay. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t want to become a leader like person. In the future, maybe... But my depression went really downhill these days, so I’m not sure if that day will come. But I do aspire to become someone like him.

V or I prefer calling him Tae. He is my first bias. His existence just screams “RELATABLE” to me, (minus his looks) He seemed to be struggling with words whenever he tries to say something. That also is something I had to deal with on a daily basis. It’s like when you have good looks, everything you did is cute, but for me, it’s more like an annoyance. So I tried to keep quiet as much as possible. Nevertheless, I just hope that I will meet someone that will understand the way I talk like the other BTS members did with Tae, have a best friend like Jimin and... yea.

BTS hmm the annual sit and talk for part of their BTS Festa thingy, it’s called the Dinner Party this year hmm cool. I stopped watching after the first 30 minutes, for the exact reason why I also did not watch more than 5 minutes of last year’s sit and talk.

We all know that, they had achieved tremendous success for the past few years. A lot of their songs often circle around their hardships and what fuck the haters?? If that make sense. Whenever they have talks like this, I always bail myself out there, and yea I never install Vlive back after I got this new phone because there really is no reason to catch every live and Run BTS episodes now.

This was not long before the DNA era, I always found myself having thoughts like:

“So you have started to avoid BTS hmm?” Yea right, took me a while to admit. I used to not miss a single notification. There is no more random videos on the BangtanTV channel as they get more and more popular, there is just backstages and really just back stages and behind the scenes of their daily schedules and tours. It shows that they are working hard, really hard. Which leads me to the next question.

“It feels uncomfortable isn’t it, comparing yourself to a worldwide famous group of artist?” Hmph. I worked hard, really hard. I even live by the motto, do or die. But that doesn’t seemed to be enough. People around me, always told me that I should push myself more. I DID, I REALLY DID, BUT WHY CAN’T YOU SEE IT.

“But BTS can, why can’t you?” I’m just going to work harder, I tell myself. I don’t have to face the same pressure as BTS did, I’m having it way more easier. But at the same time, there is seven of them in BTS, but there is only one me.

The voice at the back of my head, you are not helping.

I swiped away all notifications from BangtanTV ever since. 

Because seeing them having each other around reminds me how am I not going to have friends like this, how I’m never going to achieve this much. But mostly it reminds me how lonely I am.

By the time the Mic Drop remix released, I started having what I called the depressive episodes. I think I’m going to describe them as a waking nightmare, all the thoughts in my head are killing each other, fighting for the limited space in my head. Which ever thought that dominate my mind is the winner. I stared into blankness, tears and snots all over my face, hyperventilating while finding excuses to tell people what happened to me if anyone ever sees me. 

Honestly I don’t think people is going to read this... but the tag is down there just for the slightest hope that people that come across this will know that, ahh there are people like this out there too... Some of you might think, this is pathetic, attention seeking but at the end of the day, I just want some closure for myself. I need to admit that, no matter how much interviews I watch, how much memes I’ve seen everyday, they are not going to be my friends. They will forever be the people in screens, and I belong to the 97% of the population that will lead a normal life.

Here I am, the Fake Love era that comes to a close. I can’t even bring myself to listen to the whole album, because chances are, some of the lyrics are going to trigger the shit out of me. Same goes with Suga’s mixtape, J-hope’s mixtape.

I really miss the days where they made simple love songs like the ones in the Dark and Wild album. Blanket Kick is my personal favourite. 

I’m sure there are still a lot more that I had in mind but I just forget what is it about to include in this. I’ll get a part 2 done when there is time. 

BTS now just feels like the popular kids I went to school with, now graduated from a school named ARMY, they are like the ex-classmates I bump into once in a while. Thank you, for the best 3 years in my life. I had lots of laughter, times that I forgot about my sadness and your warm words that took me through difficult times. You are the reason that I survived until today and also the trigger of some of my episodes. 

SInce it’s already past midnight, I wanted to say Happy 5th debut anniversary, stay healthy (to both BTS and ARMY out there) be happy and may you all be reaching higher and higher till you celebrate your 10th anniversary. (or maybe longer)

*Just a sidenote, as a Malaysian fan, I’m just going to keep calling Rapmon, Rapmon because RM is our effin currency, I don’t want to be reminded of money issues whenever I thought of you. As far as I know, you do have a beautiful name as your mother definitely did not named you Rap Monster. It’s just that stage name exist for a reason. And I think I know at least 5 Jins in real life, so the wide shoulder hyung is just going to be Kim Seok Jin in my head haha yea.

#bts #unpopular opinion