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demigodofhoolemere · 5 months

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Collecting all of my thoughts on the 60th specials now that they’re over and there’s a cohesive overall picture, because I had many and I want to de-clutter them in my head for my own sake. Not in any particular order of significance, just stream of consciousness as I rewatch.

Be warned that while there were definitely things I enjoyed, there’s going to be a good bit of negativity in here, so if you understandably don’t want to see critiques of something you really liked, please do yourself the favor and don’t read this. I know what it’s like to see very negative takes on something you loved a lot and I know how bad it can feel as it sits with you in your stomach for a while if you’re particularly sensitive to it. Enter at your own risk. Also, I’m not looking to be argued with so if you read any of this and disagree with me on things, please just keep scrolling. This is just me throwing my thoughts at the wall.

And obviously, massive spoiler warnings here. I’ll be talking freely about all the things.

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THE STAR BEAST

- I’ve seen people make fun of the opening but I don’t find anything wrong with it in particular. The Doctor standing there like he was cut and pasted is a little silly but it’s not laughably bad either. I get the feeling they realized after they’d already shot the specials that they needed a recap and threw it together pretty quickly but it’s not terrible.

- The new credits are GORGEOUS and the music makes me very happy.

- I have issues with it that I’ll get into but despite myself it’s nice to see Tennant again. He was my first Doctor and his era is very nostalgic for me so it would be hard to be totally unhappy to have him around.

- That said, now with the context that the return of this face somehow has nothing to do with the Toymaker, I’m baffled and not a fan of bringing him back just for the sake of it. I really thought there was going to be SOME kind of interference by the Toymaker that would be delved into a bit when he eventually turned up, something to justify this, but no. Which means that he really is just back because that particular regeneration needed closure or something, and yeah, Ten had issues and not the happiest sendoff, but in my personal opinion it just feels more like favoritism from RTD. For 57 years, regeneration has meant letting go, and it comes across like RTD can’t do that if he has to make up non-interference-related reasons for bringing an old face back and thereby altering regeneration mythos (which he does again in an even worse way later…) by suddenly saying it’s possible for a past life to come back. I know there’s technically precedence for old faces returning, in the form of the Curator, but that was done so quickly and vaguely that it’s not invasive. This is asking us to go along with old faces coming back for *checks notes* reasons, and to give a whole new number, altering our numbering system forever, to who is essentially just Ten again. I’m sorry, but I am never calling him Fourteen. I’m resigned to the fact that I’ll have to refer to Ncuti as Fifteen and so on from there, but that’s just Ten. The only difference is that he’s got three more lives in his head that make very slight differences to his personality. Very, very slight. But it’s bugging the crud out of me that Tennant is apparently so special that it’s fine to randomly have him become himself again, that he gets two numbers, and is now being made to appear twice on every poster that has the full lineup. I am never going to acknowledge him as a whole new regeneration between Jodie and Ncuti, I’m sorry. I adore Tennant, he’s my first and I’m legally obligated to mention that I do love him extremely dearly, but if none of this had anything to do with the Toymaker torturing him and playing with his emotions or something by making him look like his old self who had so much baggage, then this whole thing is immediately silly and self-indulgent on RTD’s part.

- I know that the Doctor and Donna were brought together again because the two of them combined as the DoctorDonna could save London, but it happens so fast and without emotion. Their paths just sort of happen to cross, immediately. It’s done very quickly and in a way that doesn’t let me feel the full weight of him reacting to seeing her again.

- However I love seeing Donna again. She’s very much the same Donna I’ve always loved and it’s great to see her.

- I do like bringing back the recurring joke of Donna missing out on obvious alien attacks, lol.

- Nice that this stuff takes place in Camden seeing as Bill Hartnell partly grew up there.

- I appreciate moments like the psychic paper saying “Grand Mistress” instead of “Grand Master” as acknowledgment of Thirteen’s existence. I was worried she’d be entirely swept under the rug.

- Allons-y! 💙 That does my inner 2012 self’s heart good.

- Shaun Temple is a sweetheart and a delight.

- Gotta love throwing in one last reference to Nerys, lol.

- Donna, I’m proud of you for being such a good person that you want to give away your money to people in need, but keep at least SOME of it, girl! You’ve got a family!

- Shirley Anne Bingham is awesome and she can stay as long as she likes.

- Oh boy… pretty much everything to do with Rose feels very ham-fisted and clumsy to me. You can have a trans character without going about it like this. If the point is supposed to be to normalize portraying it in media, then it should be natural, not be about making a point. Shoving it down the audience’s throat every minute is naturally going to make people dislike the writing, even people who fully agree with the intent. I’ve already seen a fair number of LGBT+ viewers discuss this being poorly done. It doesn’t feel well-written to me and I don’t think it’s going to age particularly well either. More on this later as the worst of it crops up.

- I love Sylvia trying so hard to protect Donna by completely denying anything alien and acting like everything is normal. This poor woman is doing everything she can. I never thought I’d like her so much.

- Sad to hear Donna talk about feeling like she’s lost something but never knowing what it is.

- The Meep and the Wrarth Warriors all look incredible.

- Not a fan of the sonic basically being a magic wand. There’s a reason they ended up ditching it in the Classic series, because it was getting so that the Doctor relied too much on it, and that was before it had anywhere near the convenient powers it’s had throughout the modern series. This is a big step even further than they’ve ever taken it before and it really took me out of it. The sonic shouldn’t be able to create Iron Man HUD screens or Green Lantern hard light shields. I’m hoping they don’t do that again as the show continues.

- Murray Gold’s music is beautiful and it’s great to have it back. It does have a tendency to get too loud, though. I like to hear what people are saying.

- I do quite like the interactions between the Doctor and Shirley. She’s got a good personality to bounce off of him. I especially like them waving at each other as he sneaks off onto the UNIT truck.

- That pretty purple light coming from the ship was more exciting when I thought it was the Toymaker’s power coming to control them. Oh well.

- Love Donna’s reaction to the Meep.

- Poor Sylvia at her wit’s end. Someone help that woman.

- While it’s fitting that the Doctor has now been slapped by the trifecta of mothers from the RTD era, I’m not sure that we should still be doing gags like that where it’s apparently okay and funny to slap someone if they’re a man. The reverse would go down very differently. At least in context it makes perfect sense for Sylvia to be angry that he’s shown up and to want to get rid of him, but I hope that kind of humor doesn’t stay.

- Shaun walking in on all of this chaos like

- Nice to see the Doctor get emotional over Wilf. Same, dude.

- ^ I also really like that Kate took it upon herself to get him into a nice care home practically for free. I appreciate that she gets in touch with so many of the companions and that she’d go out of her way to help him have what he needs. I could see her dad doing that, too. I’d like to think that Yates is in the same care home (considering Richard Franklin is in real life at this point) and he and Wilf can share stories.

- Gaaahh at, “You’re assuming ‘he’ as a pronoun?” Nobody talks like this.

- Not sure the Doctor should be talking so freely about aliens and two hearts right in front of Donna and risk her remembering. He even casually hands her the sonic for a moment and shortly after starts explaining what it is. Probably not the best idea. Bit careless, mate.

- Part of me feels like the barrister wig bit is a little too silly, but then again:

- Anyone who had any awareness of the original comic was already waiting for the Meep’s turn, but knowing didn’t make it any less of a good reveal. I liked the very sudden shift.

- Shirley having weapons in her wheelchair, heck yeah. Reminds me of the Brig’s concealed gun in his cane in SJA.

- I like Donna feeling compelled to help even if she can’t remember having ever done anything like this. I also like Sylvia’s chilled realization that Donna called him “Doctor” without having ever been told.

- Lol at the kid watching the destruction from the window and not running or looking freaked out in the slightest. Boy has no self-preservation instincts.

- There is definitely some good emotion going on with the Doctor’s conflict in having to reactivate Donna’s memories, and it’s extremely well acted, but for whatever reason I don’t feel as much weight here as I should. It’s not just that I’m too disconnected from their original run at this point, because I rewatched The Stolen Earth/Journey’s End as well as The End of Time in the lead-up to this airing and I was severely emotionally impacted like I’d been thrown back 10 years in time, so I have no idea why I just don’t feel as much as I wish I did. It’s definitely not about their acting. Maybe it’s just too quick? Because I feel like the pacing of this episode in general goes by so fast that there hasn’t been enough time to really drive home the drama of what remembering will do to her, or the full extent of their relationship. Everything just sort of happens. The conflict of having to choose to restore her memories is great but the actual regaining of those memories just feels… sudden? Unearned? I don’t know.

- Don’t know how to feel about Donna having straight up Winter Soldier trigger words to unlock her memories.

- I really feel like her getting her memories back should have been a much more emotional moment between the two of them. She has no reaction to suddenly having it all back — it’s just undercut with the humor of yelling about having given away all of her lottery money, and being mad at him that there was a subconscious part of her that had his influence that drove her to do that. Honestly, I believe Donna would do it anyway, you don’t need to make some explanation for his soft heart still sticking around in her head like she wouldn’t have done that on her own. After a decade of wishing Donna could one day have her memories restored, this isn’t what I wanted out of it.

- It’s better a minute later when she realizes she only has 55 seconds left before her brain fries but she’s okay with it because it’s the best 55 seconds of her life to now be fully herself again. It’s also sweet when the Doctor is holding her as she begins to fade away, even if it’s undercut a moment later by her suddenly waking again.

- I’m not sure why the metacrisis energy in her head would split off and have half go into Rose in the womb. I suppose you could come up with a way that makes it make sense but it’s pretty convenient.

- Doctor: “We are binary.”

Donna: “She’s not. Because the Doctor’s —”

Doctor: “Male.”

Donna: “And female.”

Rose: “And neither. And more.”

… Huh??? Are they trying to say that Rose is trans because the Doctor is capable of being either male or female and the metacrisis somehow passed this on?

- I like the quick moment between the Doctor and Sylvia. Didn’t know I wanted more of them.

- The Meep’s ominous allusion to “the boss” doesn’t seem to have been about the Toymaker, so… what gives? Not that that’s a bad thing that it wasn’t, I wasn’t sure what to think of him having people working for him anyway, but I’m curious if that thread will ever get picked up.

- Donna: “Yes, we know.”

Rose: “We know everything, thanks.”

Donna: “And you know nothing. It’s a shame you’re not a woman anymore. ‘Cause she’d have understood.”

Rose: “We’ve got all that power, but there is a way to get rid of it. Something a male-presenting Time Lord will never understand.”

Okay, first off, why the attitude with the Doctor? Geez. Second, Thirteen never let go of anything in her life lol, no she wouldn’t have understood. Third, did they not just say that the Doctor is ‘male and female and neither and more’? Now a few minutes later the Doctor is suddenly just a dumb man who could never understand because he doesn’t have a woman’s perspective? One minute we’re saying gender doesn’t matter because he’s both and none, the next we’re using the standard binary against him to act like the women are so much smarter than him? There’s no need to pick on him like that, and please, just pick one, you can’t have it both ways. Also, oh my word, ‘male-presenting Time Lord’? Russell, can I have a word with you about writing sentences that sound like they would actually come out of someone’s mouth?

- ^ Additionally, the solution to the metacrisis is to just… let go of it. They literally just choose to make the energy leave them. Easy as that. That feels so incredibly unearned and completely undermines the stakes involved. For 15 years Donna was at risk of having her head explode. Her ending was an absolute tragedy with very serious consequences. And now they just go, ‘Well, they can let go of the metacrisis though’. All of the drama of her circumstances feels horribly undermined by the easiness and convenience of that. I don’t think they should have fixed everything in just the first episode of this anyway, let alone that lazily.

- I am quite a fan of the new TARDIS interior. It’s a bit big, hopefully we’ll get some furniture in there over time or something, but it’s a very neat design. I’m very pleased to have the Classic white back, but that the lights can also change colors if they feel like adding a bit more mood or character to a scene. I’m also assuming that its wheelchair accessibility means we’ll get Shirley in there at some point, which I look forward to.

- Aw at the Doctor remembering how Donna takes her coffee.

- “I really do remember, though. Every second with you. I’m so glad you’re back, ‘cause it killed me, Donna. It killed me, it killed me, it killed me.” Aw 💗

- “I said so!” Poor Sylvia, lol.

- Watching this the first time under the assumption that the Toymaker was pulling strings throughout the first two specials, I really thought they ended up at the end of the universe because he hijacked the TARDIS, and the coffee was a coincidence. Nope. Turns out the TARDIS really just broke down that bad over one spilled cup of coffee. It really should be more resilient than that!

~~~~~

OVERVIEW

I liked more than I realized, there is some good in here (Sylvia was the unexpected MVP), but for me the bad just outweighs it too much. The things I do like are generally small moments and the things I don’t are generally quite big ones, which is a problem. I’ve got a number of issues with the writing, and that’s just if the episode were standalone, let alone the fact that this is supposed to be for a big anniversary. In the context of the entirety of the specials it’s got even more problems. This doesn’t feel like it’s celebrating anything, except perhaps the original comic which is nice at least, but apart from that, it’s just… an episode. A poorer one at that, imo. The pacing is rushed and the writing is often either forced or lazy or both. It doesn’t have anything to do with the next two specials and it doesn’t set up anything that it should. Maybe I shouldn’t have expected that it would, but I find it bizarre that it doesn’t.

I really wanted to like this and I went into it expecting that I would, but even beyond the writing problems, I just couldn’t connect. I don’t know if it’s the pacing or what but I don’t feel nearly as much as I want to and feel I should. Ten and Donna are being very much themselves and they’ve got stuff here that should make me emotional, and to a degree it does, but… something is just off. I don’t feel the weight of it, and that’s a recurring problem throughout all of these specials. For whatever reason the episodes just don’t emotionally resonate with me for the most part, even if I’m pleased to be watching Ten and Donna and should therefore be more excited about it and care more about the fact that they’re back on my screen. I really, really want to care more about seeing them again. I do care, but it’s just… off. The rushed resolution to Donna’s problem doesn’t help, either. I don’t feel the emotional payoff. Part of me feels like if they were going to undermine the impact of Journey’s End by solving everything with such ease and casualness, then maybe they shouldn’t have done this at all. And I love Donna, I do, I’ve always wanted her to remember eventually, but I really feel there needed to be more to it than this. This doesn’t feel earned. I’ve got little to no emotional catharsis out of it. I would wonder if it was just a me problem if not for the fact that my sister came away from it feeling the same. Tales of the TARDIS handled this better for Jamie and Zoe in just 5 minutes — they didn’t have stakes for remembering like Donna did, it was just a cruel thing done to them, so it doesn’t feel like it’s undercutting anything to have their memories restored just as easily as they were taken, and there’s a whole ton of emotion packed into that 5 minutes that feels real, earned, and gets to me every time I’ve watched it. Why I don’t feel the same about Donna is beyond me.

I’m really struggling to understand why after just this first episode so many people were rejoicing that RTD has saved the show. Granted, I didn’t hate the Chibnall era, just select parts of it in the same way that I would have problems here and there with RTD and Moffat, so I’m not coming from a place of having felt like the show I loved was dead, but I really don’t see how The Star Beast is any better than most given episodes of the preceding era. I didn’t feel some magical shift. If anything, I liked most Chibnall era episodes more than this. I don’t know what everyone is talking about.

Thankfully the next special is a vast improvement imo.

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WILD BLUE YONDER

- The opening with Isaac Newton just feels completely unnecessary to me. I feel like Russell just wanted to make a joke about changing the word “gravity” to “mavity” and decided to create that opening scene. I believe I also saw that the actor is a friend of his so this also could have spawned from him trying to create a bit part for him. Whatever the origin is, I’m not a fan of it. I really hope the mavity joke doesn’t continue past these specials, because I find it very annoying for reasons I can’t even quite place. Just gets on my nerves. And let’s forget the fact that the word gravity existed before Isaac Newton anyway.

- The TARDIS blaring the military song at the beginning and later near the end is another thing I would have sworn was the Toymaker having a laugh. Nope. No clue why it’s doing that, then. They do say something about the TARDIS playing them a war song, I guess they mean to imply it was some kind of warning of what they were getting into? But it kind of just happens. I feel like RTD keeps doing things without explanation just for fun. And there’s definitely a time and place for that, but in these specials it keeps being stuff that really should have elaboration and then they just don’t.

- I really like the massive spaceship and its design. Feels like something my brain would make up as I’m listening to a Big Finish story. The moving pieces are awesome as well.

- This is just me being someone who primarily prefers the Classic series a lot of the time, but I’m kind of done with New Who making a point of people’s attractiveness. I don’t need commentary on how hot the characters think anyone they’ve run into is, let alone a historical figure. New Who has a strange obsession with sexualization. RTD and Moffat are the worst offenders with this. Can’t call to mind times where that happened in the Chibnall era but I could be missing something. In any case I really want them to grow up a bit.

- Hey, that’s the first reference to the Doctor snapping his fingers to control the TARDIS in who even knows how long! Not that I was even a fan of that concept but it’s interesting to hear about it again.

- I like that Ten quickly stops himself from placing any blame on Donna and apologizes.

- The Doctor kissing her hand and holding it to his chest when she starts panicking is very sweet. 💗

- Woohoo, bringing back the HADS! Troughton fans unite!

- I love the robot. That is a great robot.

- I totally thought that the void outside was the Toymaker’s realm. That’s what I get for listening to Solitaire I guess.

- ^ I was also waiting for the glass that the Doctor was pressing against to completely disappear and he would fall into the Toymaker’s realm. Would make a good fic though.

- With all of the shots of Ten and Donna being watched from behind I kept expecting the forms of old companions like Susan or Steven to show up to mess with the Doctor. Never mind.

- I knew he was going to lick the strange gooey substance. Same old Ten.

- Poor Donna wondering what her family would do if she never returned.

- I thought it was abrupt that the Doctor had finished his job and already come back to Donna, but the moment where we cut back to the Doctor fiddling around immediately made it click that Donna was NOT talking to the real one, which is terrifyingly creepy.

- ^ I assumed at first that the Toymaker was faking being the Doctor to get information out of Donna. Then when the fake Donna turned up I thought they were both just his puppets he’d sent. Even when it was revealed what they really were I still imagined the Toymaker had something to do with sending them after them. Still jarred that these first two specials had absolutely no set-up for the big bad they were teasing in promotions for ages. But this particular instance is still very good without having anything to do with him. The Not-Things are chillingly creepy and I was constantly on edge.

- I like how Donna has absolutely no reaction to, “My arms are too long,” as if the Doctor would just say that lol.

- The long arms are so freakish in the best kind of freakish way.

- I seriously thought for a minute that they were turning into giant marionettes. There’s a bit of music during the reveal that sounded a bit circus-y for a moment as well. I could not stop seeing the Toymaker around every corner lol.

- David and Catherine kill it as the Not-Things. It’s fascinating to see them play against themselves in such a dark way.

- The way they look when they’re growing enormous and are appearing more and more freakish really feels like something my brain would concoct while listening to Big Finish if they did a story like this.

- I really enjoy the darkness going on here generally. They didn’t shy away from being absolutely twisted and terrifying and disturbing. It’s good to have a bit of that sometimes.

- This is seriously David and Catherine at some of their best. This special has the best stuff for the Doctor and Donna as a duo and their relationship, as well as having to play everything twice. They’re so good at making the Not-Things convincing that I was genuinely having a hard time figuring out which ones were real for a while.

- I hate the Timeless Child lore but it’s used here to good effect. Same with the Flux. I actually quite enjoyed the Flux arc but the fact that it did permanently wipe out half the universe without getting reversed or fixed and we just don’t talk about it is ridiculous. While I wish they would fix the situation, similarly to the Timeless Child it’s used well here.

- That contorted crab walk thing is incredibly disturbing even if it does look stupid lol.

- Really, how can they use a line like, “To play your vicious games and win,” and not have me think the Toymaker was involved somewhere in here?

- The Doctor not being able to stop thinking is very relatable lol. I would fail so badly in this scenario.

- I really like the design of the old captain of the ship. I’d love to see what that species looks like when they’re not just skeletal remains. Unless they actually do just look like bone anyway like Thestrals, in which case that would be even cooler.

- Everything about the climax is very well-executed. The drama, the pacing, the stakes. Very strong stuff.

- Poor Donna being left behind. But do you know what I was expecting? Naturally, for the Toymaker to pluck her out before the ship exploded so that he could keep her alive to force to play games. These specials did not go anything like I expected lol.

- Sweet Ten and Donna just sitting there reeling for a minute.

- Not sure what invoking a superstition at the edge of the universe is supposed to do with the return of the Toymaker in the next ep. He says it’s because the walls of reality are thin and all things are possible, but that doesn’t mean that pouring some salt on the ground magically has something to do with him specifically. Feels like a very weird reason to give when the logical thing to do would just be to say that the Toymaker has been plotting to get him back for a long time and finally showed up now.

- Wilf broke me. This was the one thing in any of these specials to get me truly, legitimately emotional. Shed a tear over him and his sweet face. It’s a shame they weren’t able to film any more scenes with him but I’m so glad they got that one in.

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OVERVIEW

By far the best of the specials. I quite enjoyed the sheer darkness and madness of this one, and David and Catherine absolutely knock it out of the park. The writing is largely very good and it’s very effective in its scare factor, as well as in showcasing the relationship between the Doctor and Donna. This is the best stuff they have in any of these specials and I felt a little more connected to them here than in the other two. That doesn’t say as much as I’d like it to, but I’ll take it.

It stands up very well on its own, which in one way is great and the mark of a wonderful episode, but in another way also speaks to one of my overall problems with these episodes which is that they’re not connected to each other. This is a fantastic story and extremely well done, but once again it doesn’t feel like it’s celebrating anything and I truly don’t understand why these specials weren’t written to be a lot more connected than they are. At the end of the day it’s just a collection of random episodes that fill a gap before Ncuti takes the reins. That said, I’m not complaining about this one, this really was very interesting. Definitely the standout episode out of the three.

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THE GIGGLE

- Getting this out of the way right from the start lest I comment on it during every scene of his: NPH steals the show. He acts his heart out here. On the one hand it’s a very different approach to and portrayal of the Toymaker, which would otherwise bother me, but I can buy it as a Toymaker who has had centuries and centuries since the original serial to grow madder and madder and madder (and though he doesn’t regenerate like a Time Lord, I’d still be willing to believe that pieces of his personality might shift with different faces). On the other hand, there is still very much an element of Michael Gough in his darker, more intense moments. Glints that you can see in his eyes and his wicked grin. Very different but very the same. I really wish more of the episode had focused on him, and even further that he had been involved in all three of these specials.

- I appreciate the different accents he puts on throughout, as it proves me right that he just copies things from all manner of cultures he has no connection to. Vindication.

- Genuinely creepy in the opening scene the way he talks about the doll family as if buying the one doll would be separating it from its family and make them sad. You get the impression he’s not kidding. Even creepier when he says the hair on the doll was from a woman who won’t be missing it and won’t miss anything ever again. This one scene sets up right from the off that he is deeply unsettling and has done truly horrifying things to the victims of his games.

- I keep looking for Easter eggs in the toy shop and keep finding nothing lol. Wasted opportunity to have a Trilogic game or something hidden in the background.

- There’s some very dark music that plays frequently which seems to be the Toymaker’s theme. I really like it.

- Very unsettling that the Doctor’s first interaction with the Toymaker is unbeknownst to him. I like that he just stays in the background for a minute before messing with him while he still doesn’t know it’s him.

- I don’t like that the new UNIT building is essentially Stark Tower. That’s much too ostentatious for an organization that’s supposed to keep a low profile. Their building in The Power of the Doctor was already way too big. I don’t know why they seem to have gone very public now.

- I like that Kate is so scared by all of this that the first thing she does is to just grab the Doctor in a hug. Also, nice shoutout to Kate having fought Yetis.

- Mel! 💗 It's so nice to have her here. I haven't seen her Classic stuff yet but I've always adored her from afar, she's so precious. I'm always here for bringing back old friends as long as it's done well. The Doctor's reaction to her is so sweet.

- Sorry to disappoint, Mel, but you’re not the first redhead lol.

- Cool little robot guy. I'd ask why they have him working for them but they also had an alien as their scientific advisor for years, so whatever.

- Very interesting to demonstrate what happens to people's minds by turning Kate's protective armband off. Her tirade over nothing is both funny and frightening.

- The return of newscaster Trinity Wells! Nice to see you, girl. Though I have no idea how UNIT not only created but has already been trying to mass produce and give to the world these Zeedex bands within 2 days for this to even be on the news. Apparently they were an invention of the robotic character the Vlinx but that’s still a bit fast lol.

- I like that Donna was able to figure out the music scale from a perfectly ordinary experience. And lol at having Bonnie Langford sing the arpeggio.

- Considering the implication that having traveled in the TARDIS prevents the effects of this on an individual, I now want fic of every companion who's living in modern day Earth reacting to all of their neighbors and family suddenly losing their crap. Ian and Barbara watching their friends pick loud fights in the streets, Jo seeing every member of her family go mad. Not to mention the characters who either never set foot in the TARDIS at all or not long enough for it to protect them. Poor Liz Shaw somewhere, and Benton and Yates. All of the SJA kids except for Sky since she's an alien, and she'd have to deal with all of them being terrible.

- I like that they have Mel doing some technical stuff since she was supposed to be a computer programmer.

- Glad they gave a reason for why and how Mel is back on Earth lol. Nice shoutout to Glitz while they were at it as well.

- Kate really seems to like offering everybody a job lol.

- Subtle bit of creepiness to the Toymaker that no matter how many of his juggling balls he throws, he's still juggling the same amount of balls.

- I'm glad they had him already know Donna's name. I imagined he would have to but you never know what writers are gonna do. I'm also very pleased that it's immediately acknowledged that the Toymaker is an extreme threat by having the Doctor tell Donna to go back to the TARDIS the second he's realized who it is.

- Heck yes to the brief Hartnell and Gough flashes! It's not only lovely to see them in general but I love the weight that it adds, that they know each other from so long ago, and that those people are still who they both are inside the different faces. You can see Michael Gough's eyes in NPH right here in particular and for a moment I feel I can even see Bill's eyes in David.

- Shoutout to the hidden Joeys in a couple of different places. They're not nearly as visible in the episode as the set pics made it seem but I know he's there.

- Love that he means Hartnell when he says, “When I was young.”

- I like the unnervingness of the endless hallway and all of the doors just leading you nowhere. I can imagine that kind of a trick in the original serial. (In fact I now really want to see that be something they'd have to deal with. I can just hear Steven's huffy, 'Oh, no,' when they realize they're never getting anywhere lol.) The two of them ending up separated is also good stuff.

- I still don't see what invoking a superstition at the edge of the universe has to do with bringing the Toymaker in. It's a really weird and nonsensical reason to give when the only reason you need is that he's finally coming for his rematch.

- Very creepy stuff with the poor man being made into a marionette, as well as the Doctor seeing himself as one. That’s the kind of disturbing factor I was hoping for with this special. There isn't a ton of this kind of thing here and I'd have gone quite a bit darker myself for this whole episode but I appreciate what we have.

- The Toymaker looming above, looking down as he holds the puppet strings is some really good imagery.

- Donna vs the rest of the doll family is very freakish, but I also feel bad for them because there's no way those weren't real people at one point. Particularly disturbing to have Donna rip Sue's head off and kick it across the room, considering. I know she doesn’t know these were people, and even if she did she does have to protect herself somehow, but yikes.

- I love the painted stage backdrops in the middle of absolute black nothingness. I was hoping they'd have this sort of thing, since much of the original is in this sort of broad, void-feeling space.

- I really like this bit where the Toymaker is showing what happened to the previous companions that have been on the show since Donna left. Very chilling to see him be well aware of all of the particulars of these events and I’m glad they went for it in torturing the Doctor with personal pain. It wasn’t as much or as dark as I’d hoped but I like it, and I always like seeing a Doctor acknowledge companions he was with when he had different faces. Very nice to see Ten’s face talk about Amy, Clara, and Bill. Also, nice recap for those who may have stopped after Tennant originally left, and wow, the Moffat era really had a ton of tragic departures. I keep thinking what must have been going through Neil’s head reading about a character who was killed by a bird, and the various insane-sounding reasons from the Doctor as to why these characters are somehow okay despite what happened to them, considering he apparently didn’t know about Doctor Who whatsoever prior to being approached for the role!

- Oh, the shift in the Toymaker’s face when the Doctor challenges him to a game. Stuff just got real.

- It’s so good to see them playing at a table again.

- “I made a jigsaw out of your history. Did you like it?” Not sure what that means unless they’re trying to indicate that he’s somehow responsible for the Timeless Child mythos, or at least for various inconsistencies in the Doctor’s life. I doubt they’d hand-wave away the whole TC arc like that when Russell said he wouldn’t undermine his friend’s work, so I don’t know what to make of this. But if we can ignore that from here on out then that rocks.

- Poor Master, lol. I can only imagine bedraggled and broken Dhawan being offered a chance to live if he played a game, taking the offer, and promptly losing. I want to know how that went down. Apparently very badly, if the price was being trapped inside the Toymaker’s gold tooth. Also, is he aware of what’s going on or is he just sort of in stasis in there? It would be awful for him if he were conscious of everything, but awful results are how the Toymaker operates, so I wouldn’t be surprised. Imagine the Master trying and failing to scream to the Doctor to do whatever he has to to get away.

- Okay, who on earth is this person the Toymaker supposedly didn’t dare play? They’re claiming that he played and defeated God but there’s somehow someone even more powerful that the Toymaker of all people is scared of? “The one who waits”? Jokingly headcanon-ing that it’s Rory until we get anything further on that, lol.

- I mean, the Toymaker ain’t wrong about the issues of the human race in the 21st century 🤷‍♀️ VERY weird to hear him say the word ‘cancel’ though. That originated here on tumblr to my knowledge. Things like that have gotta stop breaking containment, now they’re spreading so far that a character from 1966 is saying them.

- Love the Toymaker’s aghast reaction to Donna saying he’ll just cheat. Though they make it sound like he’s forced to always play by the rules by some sort of cosmic force that binds him. In the original you get the impression that it’s just a matter of principle to him, which I prefer.

- I like that the king on the playing card looks like it could either be Michael Gough or NPH, or perhaps a blurred line between them to represent both.

- Part of me feels like the dancing scene is a bit too far in terms of silliness for circumstances that should be very serious, but it’s also too enjoyable for me to not get a kick out of. They also managed to make it quite dark and threatening, having him appear all over the place, forcing Kate and then Mel to dance, turning the two UNIT men into bouncing balls that still retain the images of their screaming faces and the Doctor telling Kate that they’re dead, and making all of the bullets turn into rose petals therefore showing them all that they’re helpless against him. For something that should come across as ridiculous, it’s actually surprisingly effective. Though I don’t know what it is with RTD and having his big bads dance to girl group songs lol.

- When Kate asks where the guards and staff have gone and the Toymaker just goes, “I think they’re still falling.” Eek.

- Ten really has a thing for offering bad guys to travel with him instead of wreaking havoc lol. But I love that they had him say that the two of them together could be ‘celestial’. Thank you for the little reference and for proving me right again that that’s the context in which we’re supposed to take his title. Also, interesting little moment there where the Toymaker very nearly almost seemed tempted.

- This scene is very quickly ruined, but I like Donna and Mel going to the Doctor’s side to be with him as he regenerates. Very sweet to see two past companions who still love him very much and are willing to put themselves in the line of fire just to make sure he’s not alone. And when the Toymaker comments, “Handmaidens,” it reminds me of the original serial when he comments on Steven’s “adolescent expressions of loyalty”.

- Nice detail that Mel seems a lot more prepared and okay with the realities of regeneration, just comforting him with a smile and not seeming terribly worried whether he’s going to be okay because she knows he will be, she’s seen him in the aftermath of a regeneration before and loved both Doctors she was with. Of course she and Donna are both emotional, but Mel definitely strikes me as more ready to deal with what comes next.

- I’m really mad that this moment is all about to get undermined, because having Ten 2.0’s last words be, “Allons-y,” aka, ‘let’s go’, is incredibly fitting and poignant in contrast to the original, “I don’t want to go.” Why’d they have to go and ruin what could have been a nice, touching regeneration?

- Aaaand here’s the moment that ruins the entire rest of the story for me. Rather than regenerating like normal, the Doctor “bigenerates”, splitting into two of himself so we have both Tennant and Gatwa together. It’s hand-waved with, ‘oh there’s this thing called bigeneration that’s supposed to be a myth but apparently not!’ and then not discussed any further. Russell, you just got back, did you seriously have to already bring a massively disruptive lore change with you? We just had one. I seem to be in the minority, at least on tumblr, but I am not on board with having two Doctors existing simultaneously. It feels more like the Doctor split off a twin. You can’t copy a soul and have two of that soul at the same time. That is not how people work. I keep having to focus on Mel being adorable in the background because the rest of this is aggravating.

- I feel it robs Ncuti of a proper entrance as well. He doesn’t get the same process that every Doctor before him since Troughton has gotten. He’s relegated to splitting off of the fan favorite rather than taking his place as is kinda his right, which could also easily cause people to forever view him as an offshoot and not the proper Doctor. Not to mention the fact that their split also divided articles of clothing between the two of them, meaning Fifteen is left running around in underwear for the entire remainder of the episode. A lot of people seem fine with this but I really think it’s an undignified entrance for the poor guy, and I’m not sure it’s going to age very well either. It would be humiliating enough for any Doctor to start out that way but I can already see people in the future looking back on it as a very degrading introduction for the first black Doctor. My mind also often goes to considering whether certain things would come across the same if it were a woman, and boy, that would not be received well if the new Doctor were a woman having to run around in her underwear as an intro, which means it isn’t really great for a man either.

- I wish I could enjoy the two Doctors excitedly interacting, but that’s the kind of thing that’s only fun or interesting in the usual context of multiple incarnations meeting up from different time periods. This stuff would otherwise be cute, but in the context it’s in, I’m just too uncomfortable to enjoy any of it.

- “Do you come in a range of colors?” is another line that I’m not sure is gonna age well. I’m not sure I like the sound of it now as it is.

- The Toymaker claims he played against the “guardians of time and space” and shrunk them into voodoo dolls. Are we talking Fifth Doctor era Guardians? Poor guys.

- Part of me feels the “ball game” final fight is cool looking (or at least, it’s well-shot to distract me from the fact that it’s not that good; I can’t decide), but the ultimate result is disappointing. It’s pretty unsatisfying to have the Toymaker’s defeat be that he happened to not catch a ball. It makes him look unskilled to just have it graze past his hand when he easily could have stretched slightly further and gotten it. I know people say that his original defeat in the old serial was anticlimactic, but he was defeated because the Doctor was clever. It wasn’t that the Toymaker did anything that would lead to his own loss, it’s not that he wasn’t as clever, it’s just that the Doctor had a good idea and succeeded with it. It was very evenly matched, but somebody has to win even in a very tight game and it was the Doctor. Here, the Toymaker loses because he was unlucky. It wasn’t a victory on the Doctor’s part, the Toymaker just messed up. That doesn’t feel like a satisfying defeat at all because it’s not even a defeat. Everything hinges on the Toymaker somehow not catching a ball.

- Don’t know if that’s the last we’ll see of the Toymaker. It may be the last of NPH playing him at least. I wouldn’t be shocked if they brought the character back for another round some decades down the line, just get him out of the box and dust him off on the rare occasion.

- He says his “legions” are coming, and I believe RTD has said that Fifteen is going to keep facing them. Curious who those will be. I don’t exactly see the Toymaker having armies in reserve somewhere.

- Good for the poor man that he gets to not be a marionette anymore!

- Fifteen: “You can’t save everyone.”

Ten: “Why not?”

Because you go Time Lord Victorious when you start asking that question. Have a Snickers.

- Again, I wish I could enjoy the two Doctors. Fifteen comforting Ten should be a very sweet thing, but this whole thing just feels so wrong to me.

- Well, cue endless speculation on whose hand picked up that gold tooth with the Master in it. That should keep the fandom going for a while.

- ^ Also, ahhh, the various Master laughs when it focuses in on that! I think I hear my beloved Delgado!

- I greatly appreciate all of the Classic references when they’re talking about all of the things they’ve gone through and never stopped to rest after, and all of the people lost.

- Fifteen: “Sarah Jane has gone, can you even believe that for a second?”

Ten: “I loved her.”

Fifteen: “I loved her.”

Owww, official confirmation in TV canon that Sarah Jane is gone by now. I’d appreciated that they had never explicitly said anything like they did with the Brigadier. I loved her, too. 😢

- ^ Also mentioning loving Rose, ahhh. The Doctor has never actually said those words to or about her because he was always an idiot thinking it didn’t need to be said. Finally, a Doctor says onscreen that he loved Rose! 2012 me is pleased.

- Mavic Chen! RTD said he’d be mentioned at some point, but still, there’s a deep cut of a reference! Heck yeah, Hartnell enthusiasts rise.

- “I’m fine because you fix yourself. We’re Time Lords, we’re doing rehab out of order.” Okay, this particular line would seem to imply that at some point when Ten 2.0 eventually regenerates, it will be to Fifteen? That he’s thrown back into the timeline and bigenerates out of himself as Fifteen, thus meaning there’s still just the one Doctor and the timeline aligns itself? Nothing else in this episode indicates that whatsoever, but if that’s what I’m meant to take out of it then it would fix a lot.

- So… they’re seriously saying that he became Ten again for the emotional catharsis of sitting back and living with Donna’s family for a while. Messing up regeneration lore to enable past lives to come back, ignoring that the point of regeneration since its inception is to move forwards, for what is essentially RTD’s fix-it AU fic for his own characters. This continues to feel like it’s RTD’s celebration of his own stuff rather than an overall 60th anniversary celebration. I really want to be happier about having my Ten back, and that Donna gets to remember everything, but so much of the way this has been done leaves a bit of a bad taste in my mouth.

- Aaand oh boy. Here’s the bit where they duplicate the TARDIS. For the sake of argument, say that Fifteen really did come after Ten 2.0 living his life with the Nobles and he’s just thrown backwards in the timeline. If that’s supposed to be the same with the TARDIS, that he’s just bringing it into this time somehow from where it last was with Ten 2.0 prior to his regeneration, then that would be fine. But there is absolutely nothing that indicates this. The takeaway I get is that the TARDIS has been copied. Tennant is going to stay at the Nobles’ and have the original TARDIS on hand so he can still leave sometimes. Gatwa takes off in the copied TARDIS. The Doctor that we’re supposed to be following from here on out is no longer traveling in the very same TARDIS as he always has. If that’s seriously the case, then that’s a GIGANTIC heck no from me. Absolutely not.

- Oh, how I wish I could more properly enjoy this final scene of Ten with the Nobles. On paper it’s absolutely adorable. If they confirm that Fifteen is the regeneration after and not an awkward offshoot, then retroactively I could enjoy this a lot more, but until that potentially happens, I’m still uncomfortable with the two separate Doctors at the same time and therefore uncomfortable with the context of him being here because there was a second Doctor who can keep going instead.

- Would have sworn that the Doctor’s eyebrow story was going to be about Delphon but then he says another name. Oh well.

- I do really like that Mel gets to join in on the Noble family gatherings. Lovely to keep her until the end and that she gets to have sort of a family. “Mad Aunty Mel” 💗

- ^ Also sweet that the Doctor took her to New York in the Gilded Age for a nice little trip at some point in the time skip before this. Mel deserves nice things.

- Why are we saying that Wilf is shooting the moles in the garden? Unless there’s something I’m forgetting where he’s done something like that before, I don’t feel like Wilf would hurt a fly let alone moles. With how hard it was for him to take out his gun after so many years in The End of Time I’m not sure I buy him being okay with shooting anything. Weird note to end on for him.

- Having the Doctor spend most of his time living with the Nobles and resting presents a bit of a Steve-stays-in-the-past-in-Endgame problem in that there’s no way he wouldn’t always be trying to right wrongs around him. Just like Steve would have to ignore every horrible thing he could do something about, including rescuing Bucky who is being tortured out there, any time this Doctor isn’t there when something is going terribly wrong nearby, it means he’s ignoring it while he lounges. That doesn’t sound like him at all.

- And off Fifteen goes, getting ready to go into the Christmas special. I’m worried about it but hopefully it’s better than I think it will be…?

~~~~~

OVERVIEW

Oh, massive mixed bag.

I really like the Toymaker parts of the episode. He wasn’t in nearly as much of it as he should have been and his downfall is disappointing, but the overall writing for him and performance by NPH was fantastic. There’s some very good dark and twisted stuff in here and I’m glad they went for it, even if I would have done even more with it. He is far and away the main highlight of the episode and much of my enjoyment of it is down to him. Mel also plays a considerable role in that, just because I’m thrilled any time an old companion turns up, but I also felt more connected to her, whose stories I haven’t even seen yet, than Ten or Donna somehow. Honorable mention to Kate and Shirley who were also great.

As has been true of all of these, I still just can’t fully emotionally connect with Ten and Donna. I desperately wanted to, and there’s a part of me that did in a way, but nowhere near how it should have been. I feel like I’m insane because on paper there’s nothing even wrong with them and it sure as heck ain’t the performances. But going from a few of their episodes in series 4 in the lead-up and feeling all sorts of strong emotions, that somehow just didn’t carry over to this and I don’t get why. Pacing? Trapped in the poor writing around them? I seriously can’t figure this out, but it doesn’t feel the same as it used to at all. Something is wrong and I don’t know what the heck it is.

And there’s the matter of Ten coming back because apparently that specific incarnation needed a happy ending. I really feel the need to emphasize that I LOVE TEN, but being nostalgic and sentimental isn’t a good enough reason to mess with the regeneration cycle and skip backwards a few lives. Literally the reason they give is that this particular face needed rest (they do say that the Doctor needs rest generally, but they didn’t have to go back to this face to do that — Donna indicates that this face came back so that he could ‘come home’ and be happy.) It feels way too much like favoritism to single this incarnation out in such a big way, and honestly? Ten needed to go when he did. He was becoming someone he wasn’t and it was his time. Of all of the Doctors, his was the one that actually really needed to regenerate, for the sake of his own soul. It was certainly distressing but it was a solid end for him. I don’t feel he needs this do-over to go back and get a happy ending. No one Doctor deserves that over another (though if they did, it would be poor Two whose life was cut short by execution courtesy of his own kind.) I love Ten so dearly but it feels wrong to act like he’s so important that he specifically has earned any of this treatment. I’m beginning to appreciate Tom Baker’s approach of not making multiple comebacks precisely because of his popularity.

For a good chunk of this ep, the writing was pretty good, especially where the Toymaker himself was concerned. But once the bigeneration happened, it was so downhill that it makes me struggle to want to rewatch this even for the good parts. I’m really, really hoping that I’m right and Fifteen is meant to come after Ten 2.0 has already had his lifetime, ditto his TARDIS, because it would largely save this episode for me and because the alternative is completely appalling and I can’t be okay with it. To make matters worse, Russell has claimed that he believes the bigeneration echoed back into all previous regenerations and causing each Doctor to split off from the last so they all get to go on with their own life, that they’re ALL out there in some kind of “Doctorverse”, which is absolutely insane. It defeats the purpose of regeneration: “Times change and so must I,” and, “Life defends on change and renewal.” This completely flies in the face of a critical aspect of the show, that one has to move on eventually. There’s a time for each of these incarnations, but they can’t last forever. It weakens all of these deaths, a good number of which were sacrifices, to claim that they all actually get to live on, and the very idea of it also supports my fear that there’s seriously just supposed to be two Doctors now and we’re supposed to be okay with that. According to Russell there’s a whole ton of Doctors existing simultaneously and that’s supposed to be okay. It’s the definition of bonkers is what it is. I really feel the opposite of all of the ‘RTD saved the show!’ sentiments; it feels like he’s gotten too big for his britches and has returned with a bizarre god complex where he’s wielding way too much power and plans to use all of it however he wishes. He’s single-handedly making me nervous for this entire next era.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

BIG PICTURE

Though there are definitely things I liked, particularly the Toymaker and Wild Blue Yonder, there was far too much that I don’t feel good about for me to be able to say I really loved these specials. I probably won’t reblog much of it beyond what I already have and I’m not particularly motivated to rewatch these except in a full-scale series rewatch because I’m not the sort of person who can let myself skip stuff.

I really feel like these should have been either Jodie’s or Ncuti’s. Ten didn’t need to be here, much as I love him. It could have either been a very dramatic ending for Thirteen (though I enjoyed The Power of the Doctor for that) or a very interesting beginning for Fifteen. It would be interesting to see a brand new Doctor have to navigate such intense stuff. And if it had been Thirteen, I honestly feel I may have emotionally connected better because she’s who we’ve been with.

In my perfect world, these would have all had to do with the Toymaker. Have him be woven throughout the first episode (and give that first ep a very different plot than what we got) and then a cliffhanger that reveals him as having been behind it all, leading into two full episodes of fighting against his power. Either keep Wild Blue Yonder, because it’s pretty darn good, and just have it so that my initial thoughts regarding involvement from the Toymaker were correct, or alter it entirely and focus on really delving into who he is and how much danger they’re in. Make them play deadly games. Get some incredibly dark and disturbing visuals and emotional torture in there; show past companions as puppets and dolls (whether it’s really them or not), have them come to life and taunt the Doctor if they’re fake or hauntingly beg him to save them if they’re real, make him face choosing between saving Donna vs other friends, really dig in as deeply and darkly as is possible without permanent consequences like death. Make episode 3 a long battle of wits with lots of intimate time between the Doctor and the Toymaker, with extremely severe personal stakes. Go all out. If you’re going to use the Toymaker again you really should be taking advantage of just how far you can go with a character like this, and the dynamic between him and the Doctor. Give NPH a boatload of screen time and a big, twisted sandbox to play in. Loads of emotionally, mentally, conceptually, and visually dark and disturbing things. They had some very good stuff but there should have been more of it, and even more unsettling, or at least on par with the marionette man and the soldiers turned to balls. If we keep Tennant for this, make the regaining of his face a plot point that was influenced by the Toymaker, something to torture him because Ten was one of the most emotionally volatile and damaged. When regenerating into Fifteen, let it be a normal regeneration, preferably caused by the Doctor needing to sacrifice himself to defeat the Toymaker because he can’t get away like he did before — this time, he really does have to face going down with the Toymaker to succeed. Keep Donna because she’s a prime resource for hitting Ten where it hurts, but have their reunion be orchestrated and the regaining of her memories be more complicated. It shouldn’t be as easy as it was. Have ample time to give full acknowledgment to the stakes involved. If she regains them in the first episode and it feels too easy, make it so that the Toymaker has only made it seem that way, but she’s in serious trouble the longer she goes on with her memory intact. Either tragically make her forget again in the end to save her life and to not completely undo Journey’s End, or make it far more complicated to ensure that she can safely retain the memories. It should only be in the final episode when they’ve fought for it and come out victorious that they can confirm that she’s safe and is able to go on this way. Definitely keep Mel somewhere in here, as well as having other old friends appear in some way or another. In the VERY least, just reference Steven and Dodo, because they didn’t, dang it all, and I ask for so little.

There’s so much that I wish these specials had done, that I wish they’d been. And largely, they just didn’t. For all the good that there was, there was a heck of a lot that ultimately makes it fail as a collective whole, at least for me. I had to put on a Classic story as a palate cleanser after going through all of that again.

#doctor who #dw critical #negativity #60th anniversary #the star beast #wild blue yonder #the giggle #spoilers #dw spoilers

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the-real-pokerider · 5 days

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WELCOME TO MY BLOG!

My name is Wolf Morgan (but just call me Wolf) and I am a traveling pokemon trainer who comes from the Drirome region! I am nonbinary, I use she/they pronouns, and I am autistic (my special interest is railroad stuff, if you were curious)! I have been a pokemon trainer since the ripe age of ten, though originally it was simply an escape from my home life. I pursued badges and battling in a rather wild effort to get away from home as quickly as I could. I traveled a lot of regions as quickly as possible, and only finally slowed down when I settled in Alola, where I stayed for about two years under Prof. Kukui's roof before I moved on to other regions. I met Interstellar, one of my best pokemon, in Paldea just a few years ago and their ability to turn into what I can only describe as a living motorcycle spurred me to decide to start traveling and fully drop the battling thing (which I'd practically already done back in Alola) and commit full time to being an explorer and just...catch and train pokemon on my own terms fully. Now I roam region to region whenever I want and simply hang out, learn the cultures, and primarily spend my time traveling around the wilder areas with my mons.

Some of my pokemon! Silver (shiny eevee) not pictured because well. There wasn't enough space and he's more just in the background a lot of the time, poor fella's pretty anxious sometimes. This isn't ALL of my pokemon I've caught over the years obviously, I swap them around all the time because I'm very indecisive on who I wanna have on hand, but you gotta pick some pokemon to go on the card so I went with some of my favorites. Cocoa was my very first pokemon and she's my very best friend, I feel just as close with Stellar (who is apparently a pokemon called Miraidon!) despite having known them for far less time, Hathy's incredibly gentle towards me but kinda hates everyone else, Bentley's my partner in crime (different from Cocoa), and Frostbite is one of my emotional support pokemon alongside Aquali.

Like I said before, I just picked some of my favorites to go on the card, you will see me post about others alll the time, so if you see me mention one you don't recognize from this post, that's why!

Ah, I'd say I've rambled on long enough. Send me asks and interact all you please, I don't bite! Just know there will be times I'll be online all day and others where I'll barely be on at all, it's really up in the air honestly. But such is the life on an adventurer!

(OOC info below)

As my character is a heavy self insert, I share in their identity in terms of gender and name (though I don't use Morgan lol, I just go by Wolf)!

Extra info abt me:

I am poly/ace/bi

I have been into pokemon since I was a very small child, introduced by my older brother

I am genuinely autistic! And just like my character, my biggest special interest is railroads/rolling stock (stereotypical, I know, but my friends and family can confirm I'm very not normal abt trains) and my current interests related to that, but I've recently been getting really into pokemon again as of late!

My other tumblr blogs are @itsorcatime, and @railway-roundhouse

RULES/INFO ABT THE BLOG/CHARACTER:

The Drirome region is based off of the Appalachian area (where I was raised and still live) and is therefore themed heavily with the culture from said states. A place where most everyone brought up there has a southern accent and most prefer rural areas over anywhere in a big town or a city, populated by unique pokemon and the region where many big country music singers come to light.

NO NSFW IS ALLOWED IN ASKS RELATED TO ME OR MY CHARACTER. Your ask will be deleted, if you're not anon I'll block you instantly, and I will definitely block you instantly if it is NOT an ask in which you say such a thing to me.

I do not allow magic anons or anything that could change the character's physical body or randomly give them objects. This is their blog, and that's what it's meant to be portrayed as.

#pokeblog rp #real pokemon #pokeblogging #pokemon #rotomblr #unreality #pokemon irl #irl pokemon #pinned post #intro post #introduction post #pinned intro

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chuuuvi · 2 months

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🎶February 2024 Top 5s🎶

Artists

1. Chairlift - Funny story, theres a lot of music that I’ve just refused to listen to again because it reminds me of a specific time in my life. One off-limits album that I used to love is Moth by Chairlift. I randomly discovered recently that I can listen to it again without it feeling tainted so that’s exactly what I’ve been doing! I’ve had that album on REPEAT!

2. flor - One of my favorite bands since high school. I adore the lead singer’s voice so so much. It’s just really lovely. Check them out!

3. TWICE - Yay! It’s Twice! I love them! Honestly it’s been a little while since a Korean Twice release has really clicked for me but With YOU-th really really clicks. So happy! (☆_☆)

4. Liang Lawrence - honestly I don’t know a thing about her but I found her on one of those “made for you” spotify playlists. Really like unposted letters, really like the pilot, feel positively but not strongly about the rest of her songs. She did get bumped up in my streams because I know that I fell asleep with her on loop once.

5. Caroline Polachek - The deluxe edition of her latest album came out this month! Or well the “Everasking Edition” whatever thats supposed to mean. Desire I Want To Turn Into You is really good and I was happy to revisit it! The added songs are really nice too. Listened to it quite a bit this month :)

Songs

1. Moth to the Flame by Chairlift - Ugh this song is just fantastic. Caroline Polachek’s voice is so hauntingly beautiful and she’s just doing her beautiful thing all over this dance-y beat. It just elevates what would already be a good song to a whole other level. That basically describes the whole album really.

2. Dangerous by TEN - AREN’T YOU A DIVA?! This is so good! Congrats to Mr. Ten on his solo debut. Absolutely infectious groove.

3. Show U Off by Chairlift - More from this same Chairlift album. Sooo good! This one is especially fun and funky.

4. want u back by joan - still here for the second month in a row huh? Lets see if it can make it a hat trick! I do love this song

5. YOU GET ME by TWICE - Mmmm yessss! Hearing that people didn’t like this album is insane to me like wth. Anyway You Get Me is the perfect closer to a skip free EP and is probably my favorite kpop song this year so far. It’s very much like.. whatever that genre that SM said RIIZE was supposed to be? Do you guys remember that? Emotional Pop?

#cyn talking #music recs #kpop #top 5s #music ranking #spotify stats #me when 2024

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oceanblueeyesoul · 1 year

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Hoi! You can call me Ares! 🤪

I was wondering if I could request a Wednesday match up? It’s cool if not though!

Appearance: I’m quite tall at around 6’1 (I’m very proud about that) with a muscular body to match, I have have huge broad shoulders due to playing catch with kids in my neighborhood most my life (at least I think that’s where I got them).

I have dark blue eyes, along with a light medium color tan and I have short neck length sea blue hair

Personality; I’m quite shy and silent are unknown people, or newer people I’m not close with but once I trusted you I’m very goofy, loud, and talkative. I’m known for spilling interesting facts about what I’ve read randomly, along with having random questions about random things (I blame that on my ADHD)

My sense of humor can tend to be kind of dark, with watching people do stupid things and get themselves injured, and animals either twerking, picking up a knife and chasing the owners - being my favorite thing to laugh about

I tend to be stubborn and adventurous witch leads to me getting hurt a lot.

I hate seeing people cry so I try and do something to make them laugh, I either do a stupid dance which mainly involves me moving forward and looking like a chicken pecking their food (yes I do flappy wings too) it works about 75% and the other 25% I just give hugs and forehead kisses

I’m sarcastic without actually thinking or trying to be.

My most hated flaws are;

Being oblivious to the world (like new music, new popular things,)

Being a ‘Uncultured Swine’

My forgetfulness

My time management

I hate being to clingy but I love to cuddle and just give hugs and just hold somebody, be a big spoon(aka I love physical contact)

I Would give everything to everything to help someone in need

Would adopt all animals that need homes if possible

I’m a Virgo, and Gryffindor/Hufflepuff (I got two different answers the 6 times I did it

Like; reading, drawing, exploring, going on adventures, listening to music ‘all different genres’, laying in the grass watching the stars, dogs/all animals, watching tv, surfing the social media, the color blue, chocolate, blue raspberry things, candy, the simpsons, movies that make me cry, forest exploring, randomly putting a song on and dancing to it

Obsessed with;

Greek and Roman mythology

Watching documentaries

Making things

Making a play lists

Pickles

Favorite animals;

Wolves

Lions

Sugar gliders

Cats & dogs

Sloths

Koalas

Tigers

Dolphins

Turtles

And so much more

Absolutely hates;

Anything Horror related

Snakes

Spiders

Alligators

Sharks

Crying over my emotions

Anything remotely scary

Mustard

Liars

Cheaters

People who take oh e advantage of others

Tomatoes

Loud noises

Crowded places

Facts;

I have anxiety

ADHD

Depression

Any pronouns

Attracted to females, cuddles and affection, and happiness

Wears masculine clothing (suits,boxers,swim trunks,ect)

I wear glasses

I walk with a slight limp due to a surgery on my left ankle

I have a slightly deep voice

I hope you are doing okay and are having a happy holidays! ❤️💚❤️💚❤️💚

Sending hugs! 🫂🫂🫂

Hi there, Ares! I really hope you like this a lot! And happy holidays to you too!

Wednesday (Netflix) Matchup

Your Wednesday (Netflix) soulmate is...

BIANCA BARCLAY!

When you get hurt or injured, Bianca is always here with an bandage and a caring heart but warns you not to do it ever again!

Bianca is definitely will be making playlists for you on your birthday and special occasions indeed, she just wants to make you feel special to her.

You will definitely make her laugh through your ridiculous dances and forehead kisses too, she is only soft for you indeed!

Capricorn x Virgo lovebirds!

Slytherclaw x Gryffinpuff soulmates!

#oceanblueeyesoul #wednesday netflix matchups #wednesday netflix #bianca barclay #bianca barclay x reader #matchups

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sweetxvertigo · 1 year

Text

2022 was… a year.

Putting this under a Read More because I wrote quite a bit haha.

I don't know if it was a good one or not. It definitely had a lot of ups and downs.

January 1st I went back to streaming 1st after taking about 6 months off due to burnout.

In February I had definitely the best birthday I've ever had though. I played an acoustic stream on twitch and a bunch of my close friends showed up at my house mid-stream with gifts + taco bell and it was just the absolute best. I don't know if any future birthday will surpass that. I'm so thankful that I have such incredible friends.

In March I quit my band of over 10 years. It was one of the hardest things I've had to do, but I did it for many reasons. I did it because I was frustrated with things within the band that I knew would never change. I did it because I wasn't totally feeling the direction we were going musically. And the big thing, was I wanted to try and really focus on getting my shit together this year. I really fumbled the ball on that last one. My last show was a really good time however. So many of my friends came out from different states and that I'd met playing music over the years which meant so fucking much to me. I was fully expecting to not be able to play the set without bawling my eyes out. Music has been my passion since I was 16, and giving up on it, even temporarily, was not an easy choice. I ended up being more angry during our set however because the sound person didn't route like any of my guitar through my in-ear monitors so I pretty much had to wing it. I wish I could have a do-over of that last show but oh well. A few days after that show a friend of like 7 years randomly messaged me telling me that we were no longer compatible as friends and then blocked me on all social media and to not contact them again. Definitely a kick in the teeth after an emotional weekend, but whatever.

In April I got to meet the singer of one of my favorite bands, The Wonder Years and show him my typography project based on their song Oldest Daughter which he thought was really cool. Ended up getting covid at that show, but thankfully it only felt like having a cold. I had a mild panic attack for a few days when I found out I had it AFTER making out with somebody and worrying that I gave it to them / their family, which it turned out I didn't somehow?

In May I went to my first concert since the pandemic started and it was to see The Menzingers, who are like a top 3 all time favorite band for me now. What a cathartic show it was to be able to scream along to their songs for over an hour.

The first day in June I woke up to the news that a friend, not one I was particularly close to but one that I enjoyed being around and got to bond over Coheed with a few years prior had passed away. It's so weird losing someone around the same age as you. I saw one of my best friends get married to the love of her life and got to celebrate it with all of my close friends. I went to a few more shows, mainly to see You Me And Everyone We Know.

I don't remember much about July. I remember being extremely stressed out about a lot of things. I did get to hang out with my friend from CT a few times which was cool though.

August was the last time I streamed until a one-off in September. I don't think I'll ever be the streamer I once was again, and that's fine. I broke things off with the person I was seeing. Oh and at the end of the month was when I made that bootleg MCR shirt that sold over 1100 copies? Wild.

In September I went up to NYC with a couple friends to visit one of my best friends from highschool that I haven't hung out with much in about 10 years. I went to my first burlesque show and got to see a really hot goth clown staple pages of the bible to her body. Went to at least another YMAEWK show, and obsessed over the new Wonder Years album.

Speaking of The Wonder Years, in October I got to see them and Fireworks twice. Some of the best shows I've ever been to, hands down. One of my favorite local musicians started releasing new music after like 7 years which was really awesome. I also got to take some cool engagement photos for a friend. At the end of the month I got to meet a bunch of cool online friends in person that I've grown closer to over the last year.

In November I got drunk for the first time at a friend's halloween party which was fun. The next day I got to see The Menzingers for the 2nd time this year, this time playing the album that got me into them in full and I got to be like 3rd row the entire set. I got to see a few of my friends play at the First Unitarian Church in Philly for the first which is so cool after seeing so many of my favorite bands there before. I ended the month seeing The Spill Canvas playing "No Really, I'm Fine" in its entirety which was such a wildly inspirational album to me back in the day.

And now we're in December. I started off the month by going up to CT for the weekend with my friend from NYC to visit another friend of ours we knew through twitch. We had a lot of soups that weekend. It was a good time. Had a friends Christmas get-together last week with was a lot of fun. I do feel bad that I couldn't get everyone gifts / didn't spend a lot but I'm glad that I got to see my friends and give most of them something. Honestly besides those things, this month flew by.

But here we are, less than 24 hours from 2023 and I don't feel any more accomplished than I did at the beginning of the year. I thought I was going to make moves this year and yet I couldn't get my brain to cooperate with me long enough to take the motivation I had to make any sort of strides towards reaching my goals. I've been super in my head this past week over stuff like that as well as other stupid things that have been sending my anxiety to wild levels. I did have a lot of good experiences this year though, along with the bad. I lost some friends, but I also gained some others. Maybe next year will be better over all.

#long post is long #2022 #cw: alcohol #tw: mention of death

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livingwithlosingyou · 2 years

Text

Living with Losing You - 10/14/2022

Lexington to Louisville to Lexington. And more.

Today was incredibly busy. I had off (luckily) so I decided to start my day with a leisurely 5k. I have my race tomorrow, so I want to make sure that I can actually do it / get a little more mileage in before. I had been running less because of the hives. Anyway, that went well.

After that I headed to the GF bakery to get some food because I only have two more days of it before I head home. So bittersweet. Plus, I needed to go to the studio. Today was a tough day since we focused on the James song (your song I wrote to you a couple days after you took your life).

I had to put myself in a bit of a weird headspace today. I couldn’t cry because it would mess with my voice, but I definitely felt the pain. I had to release it with singing versus tears. What was helpful (but also not at the same time) was the fact that I had to sing the same verses over and over again to make sure that we got the best takes. We also decided to take some clips of voicemails you’d left me to add onto the end of the song. Man.... Just when it couldn't get more emotional. Hearing you say that you loved me is such a distant memory. But, I love you in real time. It sucks.

We had some interesting stuff happen in the studio today with the electronics and even with shadows. I will post a picture at the end of the blog for everyone to see. Your dad came into the studio to listen to it, which I should have warned him since it was your song. And the fact that you were talking during it. He was definitely crying, so I am glad that I saw him after I was done singing. We just miss you SO much, James. You were so beautiful. I am sorry you felt so broken.

After the studio I rushed home because I had to head to Louisville! I was initially just going to go there for your friend Audrey’s birthday, but since I couldn’t eat where they ate, I decided to go to the pumpkin jack o’ lantern festival that you and I went to last year, then meet up. I was definitely running late. I was supposed to be there at 7:30pm and I didn’t even get to the ticket scan until almost 8:45pm. Luckily they let me in, but I will say the lady was asking me why I was alone and I got awkward and told her that you passed away. I was wearing the “His Sally” shirt, so I am sure that was already morbidly sad enough. I started tp tear up in line, and cried a little but on the trail. This was your favorite time of year, and this was one of your favorite events ever.

It was the 10 year anniversary, so they did it way bigger than last year. I will post some pictures because my words won’t even do it justice. Just to highlight a few moments though, James’s favorite story / movies were the Lord of the Rings and the Hobbit. Well, that had that as one of the exhibits! I was in awe, and definitely cried as I stood there. You would have LOVED that. I am sure you were with me so I am sure you saw it, but still. It’s different. There was also a pumpkin at the end that was put to the music from “My old Kentucky Home”. You used to randomly sing that song. Last but certain not least I HAD to call out the fact that they had the Christmas spectacular preview at the very end. It was so magical and beautiful. There was one time I made James watch that video on YouTube. I always told him that I wanted to get engaged at that event. I was glad that I went because I know you would have wanted me to go, with or without you. I know that you want me to keep going. I am trying.

After that I ran back to my car (I should note that I parked a little less than a mile away because it was so packed) and got a hold to Audrey to see where they were. It was perfect timing for me to quickly change in the car and then drive to meet them. We all met up where you and I went to that Cuban place and grabbed macaroons. It has been hard at times to explore the city, but it is also nice to make new friendships and create different memories so places don't feel as haunted. Audrey is so lovely, and so is her boyfriend. They’re both psychiatric doctors, so I talked with them a little about maybe wanting to get into the clinical field myself. We also talked about maybe even just getting involved with some orgs. They both had great resources and were very encouraging. I was also able to talk to her about you some, and that was helpful for me too. Her other friends that I met were all either in med school or in residency. So cool. Sometimes I wish I would have taken a route like that, but also, everything happens for a reason, and I am grateful for the journey this life has taken me on. I miss you endlessly though. I could have done without losing you.

I ended up staying until a little after midnight and then drove back home. That was rough. I was so tired! And I have a 5k tomorrow morning, so we will see how that goes.

All in all today was an emotional day. Good, and bad. It’s almost 2am so I need to go to bed. I have a very bust day tomorrow.

I love you, James. I haven’t even really processed all the emotion from today, so we will see how that ends up working tomorrow.

Rest in Peace, James Burton Nichols

10/1/1993 - 7/16/2022

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melianlmao · 2 years

Text

Prolonged Eye Contact PT.3

BandAU! Suna Rintarou X GN! reader

Warnings: Cursing, y/n gets emotional

A/n: yes I'm shamelessly throwing my comfort ships in this mess. No I will not stop. Y'all lemme know if this story seems to be going a bit fast, once again I'm used to oneshots so this is all new to me. Also if you want to I don't mind messages or asks. I have nothing better to do and would love to interact with you guys. Much love and enjoy <3

Let's write a song." You say randomly one day scrolling on your phone. Suna laughs and agrees and that leads to you and Suna leaning in together over a notebook making notes in the margins and occasionally texting Akaashi for advice when lyrics don't match up.

After a couple days lyrics are done and you get the band together to write some music for it. A week or so later the song is finished and ready for recording. You shoot a grin to Suna through the glass of the booth as you record your part and something flips in his stomach. He shoots a matching grin back giving you a wave as Osamu adjusts the sound boards.

After everything is said and done the band members all sit in the recording studio spread out on the leather couches waiting for Osamu to touch the up audio

He finally presses play and the finished song rings through the air. Everybody breaks out into smiles, even Kenma looks up from his switch and shoots you a grin and a thumbs up.

To celebrate you and Suna's first song together successfully recorded, you and him dress up as those aesthetic Pinterest ghosts and zoom around in shopping carts until 2:00 in the morning.

The sound of Suna's light snores are the first thing you're met with when you push his door open slightly after trying and failing to go to sleep, excitement still buzzing in your skull. Your eyes sweep over his sleeping form fondly until the lighting of his phone as a notification comes through catches your eye instead.

You're going to leave it and him be and creep back into your own room since he's asleep but something in your gut tells you to go look. Besides, it's normal for you and Suna to have each other's phones and check messages for each other.

You pad over quietly trying not to wake him and take his phone gently typing in his password and his messages pop up. You nearly drop the phone when you read the contact name and nearly hurl when you see the messages.

This whole ordeal is starting to make you nauseous and you feel a sting in your chest. He still has her number. Her contact has a heart. He didn't argue when she said she was better.

Suna Rintarou isn't yours. You have no claim over him. He's just your best friend. So why are tears stinging your eyes and why is your heart trying to rip itself out?

You place his phone back on the nightstand and back out of the room. He continues to snore, oblivious to the heartbreak that just ensued right in front of his sleeping form.

The next morning no one questions it when you don't emerge for breakfast, assuming you had been up all night with Kenma again, but when Kenma emerges only looking the normal amount of tired concern arises.

Suna stands to retrieve you but Akaashi (an empath) senses something wrong and offers (passive aggressively insists) on going himself.

The soft rapping of knuckles on your door and gentle call of your name tells you it's just Akaashi so you try your best to make it look like you hadn't been crying and quickly throw on a bright smile opening the door and cheerfully greeting him.

The observant and emotionally attuned man sees right through you, but decides against confrontation, at least at first.

He tells you softly breakfast is ready and you ask him if he'd bring it to you claiming to not feel well. He nods and heads back to the kitchen where the whole band waits anxiously for news on your failure to show up.

"So where are they?" Suna asks immediately as Akaashi puts your favorite breakfast food on a tray.

"They don't feel well." He answers simply disappearing again to deliver your food.

Suna furrows his brows, his lips tugging down into a small frown. You were fine yesterday, hell you and him had even gone riding around in shopping carts in ghost apparel before coming home, and you were completely fine, cracking jokes and spreading chaos.

Akaashi returns and doesn't say another word about you, eating his breakfast like normal.

A couple minutes after everyone is finished you finally appear and the band collectively lets out a sigh of relief.

"Hey guys , sorry I just had a bit of a headache. I'm fine now." You reassure a forced smile breaking it's way through the despair you felt inside.

Suna still thinks something is off but then

Astumu makes a remark on your hair being a rat's nest and you retort that his face looks like rat's crap he relaxes seeing the you he knows return.

The rest of the day is fairly calm, no shows today so everyone's just hanging around at the house. Akaashi had long disappeared to his room on FaceTime with Bokuto who was currently in Brazil and the twins had gone to visit their mother.

You had done a great job of having minimal contact with Suna but still enough to not cause any concern, or so you thought as you lay on Kenma's bean bag playing animal crossing with the drummer.

Meanwhile Suna paces his floor wondering what could have possibly happened.

You seemed distant and he was the only one who thought so. He had asked everyone else and they all gave the similar answer along the lines of you were acting like you always did.

Well, except for Akaashi. When the singer asked the keyboardist if he thought you were acting weird there was a slight hesitation before a quiet underneath mumble he didn't quite catch and a shake of the ravenette's head.

His troubled eyes and passive expression didn't match up and Suna definitely could tell he knew more than he was letting on. He didn't press though and now he kinda wishes he did.

You had texted everything to Akaashi earlier and the ravenette keyboardist had sworn he wouldn't tell a soul,( not even Bokuto because Bo, bless his heart, cannot keep a secret for shit.)

Akaashi couldn't believe his friend's stupidity, how could he still be in contact with Cindy? After everything that happened? Akaashi wishes he could tell you the full story but he knows it's not his to tell. He only gives you the advice to get your feelings together and figure out what it is that you want before anything else.

So you do. Laying on your back on the bean bag quietly collecting peaches with Kenma you ponder your soul's desires. What do you want? How do you feel? How do you feel about Suna being in contact with Cindy.

"Y/n." Comes the voice that brings you out of your pondering. You look up to Kenma's fauxed slightly ticked off expression.

"Kenma." You reply flatly a smile pulling your lips upwards. He rolls his eyes, his own smile appearing briefly before he remembers what he had even said your name for.

"Sunarin's done something hasn't he?" He asks even though it sounds more like a statement. His piercing gaze shoots right through you and you know you can't lie to the sharp minded gamer.

"Yeah." Comes your answer short and (unintentionally) bitter.

"Well stop moping over it while you're playing with me, he's too oblivious to notice anyways." He rolls his eyes and gives an exasperated sigh.

"Look who's talking." You mumble, but the sharp eared cat of a man hears and quirks an eyebrow at you.

"Care to elaborate on that dear Y/n?" He purrs curiously hoping to coax an answer out of you. You debate on whether to brush it off or be a good wing person for the bed headed flirt.

Wing person it is.

"I'm referring to Kuroo's obvious pining for you." You say bluntly. What you don't expect is Kenma to let out a rare chuckle pink dusting his cheeks and ears.

"I know he likes me." He softly says an uncharacteristically fond tone to his voice.

This causes you to roll over and sit up, eyebrows shooting up in surprise.

"You know!?" You exclaim way louder than intended and slap a hand over your mouth at the realization the rooster is across the hall. Kenma gets even redder and avoids your gaze shyly mumbling a yeah.

"And you like him back?" You ask, leaning forward eagerly, your hands your knees.

Kenma nods still looking towards the floor as if it were the most interesting thing ever.

"So why doesn't he know that?" You question genuinely confused why he'd keep it to himself if he knew of the taller males feelings.

"I want him to tell me straight up." Kenma says finally meeting your eyes again.

You snort loudly in half amusement and half pity.

"Good luck with that one Mr.Kodzuken." You say rolling your eyes and shaking your head a fond smile gracing your lips.

Kenma throws a pillow at you flushing in embarrassment again and grumbles about how annoying you are.

"You know you love me KenKen." You coo teasingly. He scrunches his nose at the nickname and groans telling you to get out and leave him alone.

"Was planning on it anyway." You counter rising from your spot and hurriedly ruffling his hair and running before he can murder you, his yells for you to shut the damn door follow you down the hall as you shout a no back.

You turn your head just in time to be met with the black t-shirt clad chest of your best friend, you put your hands out to maybe try to stop the impact but only succeed in groping his pecs.

You giggle, giving them a little squeeze, forgetting that you're mad at him and he quirks a brow.

"No touching the merchandise, goofball." He says swatting your hands away gently, a playful lift to his voice.

The nickname brings the screenshot of his post to mind and you remember all at once the rush of emotions crashing back into you.

Suna watches as you shrink back into yourself and his heart breaks slightly at the sight of all joy draining from your expression. You push past him mumbling something about needing the bathroom and he watches you go. He turns his head to see Kenma glaring at him from his doorway before he closes the door slowly.

Suna looks to the ceiling and closes his eyes, taking a breath. What the hell is up with you?

The buzzing of his phone brings him back to reality and he swipes it from his pocket pushing his door open and flopping onto his back feeling his black comforter around him.

It's yet another text from Cindy. As is her last four texts it gets left on read. He likes to tell himself he's over her. But sometimes, mostly when he recalls the night of the incident, he thinks maybe he's not.

The hurt consumes him now as he stares up at the glow in the dark stars you put up there about a week ago because ,as you said, his room looked boring.

Then the hurt washes away at the thought of you. He cares for you of course and he couldn't be happier to call himself your best friend. But sometimes he wonders if it's okay to be so close to you. If he's still not over Cindy why the hell should he deserve to get your time and attention. If he can't give you all of his in return.

Then a bit of realization strikes him and he sets up quickly. Did you know about Cindy? There was no way unless someone told you something. You'd been here long enough and hell, you even moved into her old room and used her old bass for the first couple of weeks. (Until everyone pitched in to get you one of your own as a welcome gift.) Surely you'd be curious about who she was.

He doesn't know why the thought of you knowing makes him panic but it sure as hell does. So much that he gets up and goes to stand in front of your door hand raised in mid air debating whether to knock or not.

Finally he decides to leave you alone, recalling your behavior earlier. There's obviously something wrong so bringing this crap to you as well won't do you any good. He runs his hand through his hair and groans slightly. Since when has he felt like he needed to be careful with your feelings?

You sit on your carpet cross legged plucking the strings of your bass absentmindedly and take slow deep breaths. As you're doing this your phone chimes on the floor beside you alerting you that you have a message on Instagram.

Curious, you tap it and it brings the message up.

You shake your head and leave him on seen, a smile playing on your lips. It'd been a long time since you'd seen your salty blonde friend and maybe hanging out with him will help you get your mind off a certain brunette singer.

You throw on a cute outfit and head towards Samu's door.

You knock once, then twice before remembering that he and Atsumu are still visiting their mother.

Kenma can't drive for shit, Kuroo's got a horrible hangover and Akaashi left earlier to pick up groceries. You can drive but don't have anything to drive seeing as Akaashi took his car and the twins took the band van.

There was one option and you didn't like it very much but it was the only way.

You knocked on Suna's door lightly. He didn't respond so you knocked again harder and the padding of his feet sounded from the other side.

Suna opened the door and was startled to see you there. You never used to knock, just throwing the door open with both eyes screwed shut and yelling chaotically asking if he was decent.

He cleared his throat and your fists clenched at your side before you finally looked up at him.

"I need a ride." You said forcing a smile that your eyes didn't match.

"Aren't all the vehicles gone?" He asked.

"Yeah but your bike got back from the shop yesterday didn't it?" You said, rolling your eyes and huffing adorably.

Adorably? When did he start thinking like that?

Your hand waving in his face brought his attention back to you.

"You gonna give me a ride or what?" You asked, getting ready to just walk at this point.

"Yeah yeah gimme a minute." He smirked, shutting his door to change into something a bit more suitable for the ride.

When he stepped back out a little under a minute later he tossed a leather jacket to you haphazardly and it landed over your face. You grabbed it with a smile gracing your lips as you hurried to catch up to his long strides, falling back into the rhythm of his company easily.

The garage wasn't really a place that interested you so you hadn't been there yet but now you wished you would've.

Because the sight of Suna Rintarou dressed in all black leather holding a black helmet leaning on his sleek Harley was undeniably, irrefutably the hottest shit on planet earth.

Wait what.

Before you can question where the fuck that thought came from Suna is handing you a helmet and getting on the bike. He looks at you expectantly and you shove the helmet on, grateful for something to hide your blush and get on the motorcycle.

Your first instinct is to wrap your arms around his torso and hold on for dear life but then you remember that you're mad at him.

So instead you opt to grab either side of the seat holding on with all your might.

Suna notices with a concealed smirk and as soon as he's on the road he guns it, weaving in and out of traffic

just under (a little over) what the limit allows.

This scares the living daylights out of you and in a flash you're hugging him with all the strength in your body, your face pressed into his toned back, eyes squeezed shut.

A victorious smile overtakes his face underneath the helmet and he wishes everything was normal so he could do this with you again without the constant question of what was going on with you nagging his mind.

Only when he pulls into the parking lot of a cozy Cafe he'd never been to does he question why he was taking you here. Then you hop off the bike and whip the Helmet off your head in one incredibly sexy motion. (Again another out of pocket thought that he'd definitely be pondering later.)

"So wha-" he starts but you shout in delight and run up to a tall blond jumping to hug him and wrapping your arms around his neck.

Suna Rintarou had absolutely no right to be jealous. That doesn't stop the twinge of jealousy from creeping up his spine and clasping it's boney hands over his mind making him want to rip you from the smug looking smirking blonde beanpole bastard and drive you back home.

"Bye Suna, Kei will take me home." You call holding onto 'Kei's' arm.

Suna blinks once then twice as you enter the Cafe and then he speeds off a frown making it's home on his lips.

"You were being way touchy, it was to make him jealous wasn't it." Kei observes after you've both got your drinks and sat down.

"Pfft, what no, anyways how've you been?" You say sipping on your choice of drink not making eye contact.

"Tsk, you think I'd let you change the subject? Think again Dumbass, what was that all about?" The blonde says, leaning forward his chin in his hand.

"Ugh, how does 'Dashi put up with you?" You mumble embarrassment flooding your cheeks.

"Answer the question or I will make you pay for the drinks." He says bluntly, taking a sip of his own drink.

You let out an outraged whine and then you tell him everything. The whole story of how you joined the band and everything up to this point.

Kei is silent throughout your rant only nodding here and there to let you know he was still paying attention. After you were done he put his hand to his mouth as if in thought but you caught the slight shake of his shoulders that let you know he was holding in laughter.

"Don't laugh at me Kei!" You whine wanting to curl up in a ball.

"You really don't know why you care so much about Cindy's involvement in this?" He snickers, raising an eyebrow at you.

"Not at all! It's crazy that I care so much for no reason." You throw your hands up exasperated.

"You like Suna." Kei says with a face alot like that one emoji with the straight line for a mouth and open eyes.

"Of course I like him, he's like my best friend." You say confused.

"No dip shit you want to date him, and Cindy is in the way of that." He sighs mentally asking himself why he's even friends with the idiot seated before him.

He watches as your brain slowly processes this and he sees the moment it clicks when your cheeks heat up and you look like you wish to dig a hole curl up and die in it. You cover your face with two hands and groan.

"I like Suna Rintarou." You say aloud.

"Can't believe you didn't realize that sooner." Kei rolls his eyes, slurping the last of his drink loudly.

"Fuck what am I gonna do now?" You ask, letting your hands fall onto your lap.

"Date me." Kei says and you shoot him the most confused look possible as he pays for the drinks and the two of you walk out.

"Kei, you're dating Tadashi." You say brows furrowed.

"Not really dumbass, pretend to date me so he gets jealous then he'll spill his feelings out and boom problem solved. " He explains, rolling his eyes.

"If you say so, smart guy." You snort. The idea is stupid and it implies that Suna actually likes you back but hey it's not like you've got any other ideas.

"Let's start out with an Instagram post." Kei says, smirking.

It doesn't take much for Suna to find Tsukishima Kei on Instagram. All he has to do is go to your following and there near the bottom is the blonde's profile picture.

He clicks it and it takes him to Tsukishima's page . There's not alot of information to be gained from the profile but he does find old pictures of high school Y/n he can definitely use for blackmail in the future.

However as he's about to close the app he sees a new post appear on Tsukishima's page, and it makes his head reel.

#prolonged eye contact #haikyuu x reader band au #haikyuu band au #suna rintaro x reader #suna x reader #haikyuu x reader fluff #haikyuu angst #suna rinatro #hq suna #haikyuu fanfic #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu fanfiction

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unalivejournal · 3 years

Note

u mentioned only reading kripke era fic do you have a reclist 👀👀👀and if not could you link some of ur faves cuz the stuff that gets circulated the most right now is all like late late seasons fic and kripke era is my favorite too but im having trouble finding that many fics for it or even seasons 6-10 era which im fine with also. its just that like. the last five seasons were so bad that it makes fic generally worse too because people have to jump off of just Thee stupidest plot choices no matter how good their prose skills might be. but anyway yea if u have recs that would be awesome :)

hi anon i was thinking abt making a reclist and u just gave me the perfect excuse thank u

jess adamilligan’s kripke era fic recs

from making this ive learned that i never bookmark ANYTHING. sorry all of these r like….. 10k and under. i DO read longer fic but i don’t have any kripke era longfics bookmarked & tbh i prefer short oneshots

season one gen

disclaimer because it’s unfortunately needed: NONE of these are w*ncest! they’re all completely tagged as gen and i did not read them with the intent of consuming ship content.

Coaster Park by fogsrollingin, 10.4k, G, gen

Coaster Park had been experiencing an unusually high frequency of technical difficulties. Dean wouldn't have pulled a shift treating nauseated, heat-stroked, or dehydrated park-goers for that if he could've helped it, but when 'technical difficulties' were accompanied by rumors of things moving and stopping on their own in front of the operators' eyes, Dean had to throw down.

No historical tragedies or disasters in the area, ectoplasm, or EMF. Dean's only lead was a battered-looking kid that'd been coming to the park every day since it'd all started.

really interesting au fic! slightly ‘it’s a terrible life’. dean winchester is a hunter/EMT and sam wesson is a college kid destined to die on a roller coaster ride.

two basic motivating forces by sahwen, 7.8k, T, gen

He can’t cry, it’s not allowed; even as a child he was hushed into silence, whether his tears were from a long car ride or a late night or a raging fever. It’s never been an option, it’s never been an available outlet, and it’s not about to start being one just because he’s having an emotional breakdown on the bathroom floor.

Sam isn't only afraid of clowns.

BIG emetophobia tw (both for graphic depictions of nausea/vomiting and for the fact that this fic is about sam suffering from emetophobia) for this one but it’s my favorite sickfic. portrays anxiety over getting sick really well and is a fascinating examination of the different ways that sam’s fear of loss of control can manifest itself. also has lovely brothers content <3

Let’s Start at the Very Beginning (Remix of Just as Easy as 123) by nwspaprtaxis, 4k, T, gen

Dean’s functionally illiterate and Sam’s determined to remedy it...

PLEASE READ THIS ONE god it’s so sweet. dean never learned how to read properly due to his nomadic childhood and sam teaches him how.

dean/cas

Broadway Musical by Griftings, 9k, M, m/m

This is the day that marked the Holy and Blessed Union of Dean Winchester and Jo Harvelle.

The merging of prominent bloodlines is always a grand occurrence, but breeding pedigree hunter families like Winchester and Harvelle is something to be rejoiced. It is also something to be meticulously planned, which thankfully the Host is very good at.

Or, the romantic comedy where Dean Winchester and Jo Harvelle are destined to get married, Castiel is given the task of playing matchmaker and fails terribly, the entire Heavenly Host becomes a sitcom audience, God warns against male pregnancy, and Jimmy Novak is incredibly unimpressed with angels in general.

somewhat of a fandom classic and the humor holds up wonderfully. a very silly fic completed with commentary from angel radio throughout the entire thing.

Sappiest Season by dollsome, 2.7k, G, m/m

In which Dean and Cas have to stop an evil Christmas tree (like you do), and it requires a little fake couple action.

hilarious little s5ish fic. one of the first i read when getting back into spn. i don’t want to spoil anything but this is my favorite pick me up and i still giggle randomly whenever i think about it

The (Mostly Accidental) Courtship of Dean Winchester by tuesday

Angelic marriage rites were never intended to go quite like this.

another fandom classic. ik this one is recced a lot but how could i NOT include it. dean and cas get married (mostly by accident) and they’re huge cunts about it

the one thing in the galaxy god didn't have his eyes on by prufrock, 2.4k, T, gen + m/m

“Wait,” Dean says. “Let me get this right. You can fly, right—you can teleport—but you can’t drive a car?”

or, after the events of S5E03 "Free to Be You and Me," Dean teaches Cas to drive. Cas finds it stressful

im always a sucker for a good ftbyam fic. also i can’t drive so. resonation

So Says The Sword by komodobits, 85k, E, m/m

The briefing was simple: ‘Stand guard over the Michael Sword until the battle is ready to commence. Await further instructions.’

Castiel doesn’t mind working security duty; he was briefed shortly after the initial salvation of the Sword from the pit, and again before taking up his position. He knows what to do. However, it’s easy to forget that the green room isn’t real. Time moves differently there, the space ever-changing to make a prison of mountains, cathedrals, salt flats, orchards, and whatever Castiel was led to believe about Heaven’s greatest weapon—Dean Winchester is something entirely unexpected.

NO introduction neede. i think everyone on spntumblr has read this already but still. if you haven’t then i am demanding that you read it NOW. tbh i’m just adding this one so that i have at least one long fic here 😭

the weight by @myaimistrue, 3.5k, T, gen + m/m

“Do you…” Bobby sighs. “Listen, Dean, do you have something you wanna tell me?”

It’s the conversational equivalent of being punched in the stomach.

Or, Dean works through some things with Bobby's help.

WHEN I SAW THE USERNAME I GASPED I HAD NO IDEA THIS WAS U. anyway i Love coming out fics idk why i just do. the world is ending and dean comes out to bobby

canticles by 2street2car, 10.3k, T, m/m

“But you know something? If I couldn’t get you laid, at least I gave you a good first date.”

feat: footsies at a Ruby Tuesday, stargazing, the recreation of an iconic "Dirty Dancing" scene (no, not that one—the other one), and practicing for When You're With A Girl.

another ftbyam fic that skepticalfrog (i believe?) recommended a while back. made me feel at least 28 new emotions

Epilogue by JayneL, 28k, E, m/m

Bobby is here, swearing somewhere above and behind him; and Dean is here, talking about 2014 like it's a foreign country; and Sam is here, and is not Lucifer. Which means-- Bobby is here, swearing somewhere above and behind him; and Dean is here, talking about 2014 like it's a foreign country; and Sam is here, and is not Lucifer. Which means--

Cas is no longer when he was. Lucifer sent him back.

Coda to 'The End'.

2014 cas gets sent back to 2009, feelings ensue etc. i don’t remember all the details of this one bc it’s been a while but it’s really good

bonus

currently reading

Fragile As We Lie by perilously, 11k, E, f/f

Dragging Bela Talbot out of perdition isn't so much a decision as it is a frantic choice based on gut instinct. Her soul is bright, if fractured, and Anna yearns to do good again after the perversion of free will that immediately preceded her death.

Bela's no ordinary human, though; she's prickly and damaged and beautiful, and Anna doesn't want to leave her side. So maybe they can figure out how to navigate post-resurrection, post-Apocalypse-that-wasn't Earth together.

#sorry i took a few days to answer this haha #asks #anon #fic recs

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love-little-lotte · 3 years

Text

10 Musical Theatre Songs I Listen To When I'm Sad

Here I am again with this type of list that no one really asked for. I am torturously bored and I need to do something... a bit productive in my spare time. I can't bear to watch another movie or TV show 10 hours straight. My eyes (and lower back) are literally begging me to stop. (They're still suffering as I write this in my very dark room, but ah well, at least I get to exercise my writing.)

Anyway, this list is going to be all about the show tunes I listen to when I'm feeling a bit under the weather or overwhelmed. There are times when I wake up and just feel so sad and I absolutely have no energy to do anything. When I feel this way, I usually just spend the entire morning in bed, drowning myself with music until I feel a bit better. The following songs are a huge part of me getting over my melancholia.

For the record, I can't give reassurance that these songs will make you feel okay as I do. Sometimes, I come up with a whole different meaning to a song because I interpret it differently from the original story. It's always up to you how you perceive a song.

(Disclaimer: I arranged these songs randomly to avoid favoritism, so this is not exactly a "ranking" list.)

1. I Miss the Mountains — Next to Normal

Next to Normal is such a beautiful musical, and it's definitely part of my Top 5. Diana is one of the most complex characters in this show, and she sings this gorgeous, thoughtful song during one of her vulnerable moments. In this song, she reminisces her life before her medications and how it only made her feel less of herself.

I speak for everyone when I say that, every so often, we lose sight of who we are. Whenever I listen to this song, I ponder on moments from the past, like Diana. I'm reminded of the person who I was before, even though it's unhealthy to wallow too much with regret about instances from the past. Nevertheless, it is important to address your sadness to make yourself feel better. You need to feel these emotions before deciding to pull yourself together, even if that means confronting past experiences. You can learn from them, so you won't make the same mistakes again.

Most memorable lyrics: I miss the dizzy heights / All the manic, magic days / And the dark, depressing nights

2. Breathe — In The Heights

One of my all-time favorite songs. In In The Heights, Nina has hit rock bottom, dropping out of college because of too much pressure. She hasn't told anyone, and she's worried about what everyone, especially her parents, would think.

The song is not exactly what you call "reassuring." After all, for most of the song, Nina recalls how a lot of people believe in her, how she was "the one who made it out," but now she's returning as a failure. However, this song could also be seen differently: despite the intensity of our problems, it's nice to just breathe. Sometimes, things go beyond our control, and that's fine. All we have to do is to look the problem right in the eye, breathe, and overcome it as best as we can.

Also, it's nice to try and belt your problems away with this song.

Most memorable lyrics: Mira, Nina (hey) / No me preocupo por ella (they're not worried about me) / Mira, allí esta nuestra estrella / They are all counting on me to succeed

3. The Story Goes On — Baby

Yeah, I know this song seems a bit out of place in comparison to the rest of the songs in this list. The song is from Baby, and it's sung by Lizzie as a first act closer. After feeling her baby's first kick while pregnant, the realization of being a mother hits her hard. She sings of her hopes and dreams for her baby in this very beautiful (and belt-y) song.

As a single person who doesn't want to have kids (well, right now, at least), I don't know why this song means so much to me. Maybe because it has such a very hopeful message: that there is something greater destined for us in the future. While Lizzie revels in her newfound love for her unborn baby, I revel in the fact that whatever I'm facing right now, this too shall pass, and my future will be better. I may have given the song my own interpretation, but somehow, it works for me.

Most memorable lyrics: And now I can see the chain extending / My child is next in a line that has no ending / And here am I feeling life that her child will feel / When I'm long gone

4. A Soft Place to Land — Waitress

While I usually bawl my eyes out during "She Used to be Mine," this song from Waitress also does its job of making me tear up. This is one of the subdued moments in the story, where Jenna sings about a better life while Becky and Dawn support her. The song doesn't really have a lot of deep lyrics like the more popular eleven o'clock number, but this song is like a piece of advice to stay on dreaming, no matter what happens.

It's tough when life decides to throw some crap on your way. You might stumble before you get up again. But you can always count on your own thoughts and dreams to help you keep going. And with a solid support system through family or friends, you can always be ready to take on anything.

Most memorable lyrics: When your breaking point's all that you have / A dream is a soft place to land

5. Being Alive — Company

With its main theme about adult relationships, Company tells the story of Robert — also affectionately known as Bobby — and his troubles with commitment. Most of his friends are in relationships, maybe not ideally happy. After getting a glimpse of his friends' love lives, in this stirring song almost at the end of the show, Robert sings about choosing to be "alive" rather than "alone."

While the song in the musical leans more to romantic relationships, I sometimes listen in a slightly different manner. Even though most of the time I prefer my own company, it's something else when you get to spend your happiness with the people you love. When you're sad and hurting, you might want to bottle everything up. But this song makes me realize that it's okay to open up to the ones you love. You don't have to go through life alone. After all, you only truly feel alive in the company of your loved ones.

Most memorable lyrics: But alone / Is alone / Not alive

6. Corner of the Sky — Pippin

Prepare your jazz hands because next up is this very hopeful and beautiful song from Pippin. Also, let me just say that this song is up there with my all-time favorites and makes me feel better, no matter what. It's that good. Anyway, this song serves as Pippin's "I Want" song, the one that sets out his story. With this, Pippin revels in wanting to find his destiny and the meaning of his life.

When sadness so great engulfs me to the point I feel utterly useless, I try to focus on things that I want to achieve in the future. I muster every ounce of hope and positivity that I could to fight the blues away. It's tough, sure, and maybe it's sort of delusional, but it helps to know that I'm the only one who can control my fate. Just like Pippin, I'm in search of better days.

Most memorable lyrics: I've got to be where my spirit can run free / Got to find my corner of the sky

7. Sonya Alone — Natasha, Pierre & The Great Comet of 1812

Sonya is one of my favorite characters in musical theatre. She's sweet, caring, and will definitely not hesitate to put you first. In Natasha, Pierre & The Great Comet of 1812, Sonya finds out her best friend's grave secret and sings this captivating song. She wants to help her, even if it might mean losing her trust.

Now, I have a way extravagant interpretation of this song. When I listen to this song when I'm sad, in my head, I'm Sonya, and I'm singing this to myself — or at least, my sad self. There are many times in our lives when we don't feel like ourselves, that we hate the person we've become. And when this happens, we realize that we are the only ones who can help ourselves. At the end of the day, despite the comfort of people all around us, we're left with our own thoughts and feelings. We are our own friends. This song is sort of my reconciliation to my true self. Try listening to the words of this song as a way of comforting yourself; it truly might help.

Most memorable lyrics: I will protect your name and your heart / Because I miss my friend

8. Answer Me — The Band's Visit

Near the end of The Band's Visit, there's a beautiful, little song sung by a minor character. He's referred to as the "Telephone Guy." He sings to his lover on the payphone, hoping she would answer him. And when she does, the townspeople and musicians sing over their longings as well.

The song is so simple, but such a tearjerker. When I first listened to this, my heart completely broke, and I don't even know the context. All I know is there's this person, singing about yearning and heartaches. Honestly, I'm not even sure if I could put to words what I feel the song means to me. There's just so many things to love about it: the simplicity of the lyrics, the way everyone slowly joining in the song, the helplessness of asking for somebody to listen to you.

Most memorable lyrics: Are you there? / Are you there? / Will you answer me?

9. Those You've Known — Spring Awakening

(TW: mention of suicide) This part in Spring Awakening never fails to send a chill up to my spine. Everything from the choreography down to the lyrics is so powerful and thrilling. When Melchior realizes that Wendla has died, he becomes distraught, blaming himself for her death and Moritz's, and decides to take his own life. The spirits of Moritz and Wendla then appear to offer consolation and urge him to carry on. In the end, he decides to continue living and promises not to forget his friends.

It's one of the darkest moments in the musical, and that says a lot. But, at the same time, it's also very heartening to watch Melchior overcome his dark thoughts with the help of Moritz and Wendla beyond the grave. This song is a reminder that as humans, we make a lot of mistakes but we don't let this defeat us. Yes, we carry a lot of guilt from our past experiences, but we won't forget them. Instead, we learn from them, so we don't have to repeat them again.

Most memorable lyrics: Now they'll walk on my arm through the distant night / And I won't let them stray from my heart / Through the wind, through the dark, through the winter light / I will read all their dreams to the stars

10. No One Is Alone — Into the Woods

I mean, duh! This is like the ultimate musical theatre comfort song. I can't tell you exactly how many times I listened to this song during the pandemic. Into the Woods is the musical retelling of fairytales we've known in our childhood. This song, which is one of the show's popular ones that even non-theatre people can recognize, is sung by Cinderella, Little Red, Jack, and The Baker. At this point, they are the only ones left; Little Red and Jack are despairing over their losses, while Cinderella and The Baker respectively comfort them.

The title is already self-explanatory: it's an assurance that whatever problems life gives you, you are not going through it alone. Someone is always on your side. These days, it's easy to feel that you are fighting your battles on your own. Just remember that wherever you are, there are still people who love and support you.

Most memorable lyrics: Witches can be right / Giants can be good / You decide what's right / You decide what's good / Just remember (just remember) / Someone is on your side (our side, our side)

____

There you have it: the songs that I love listening to when I'm down. If you're still reading at this point, then I just want to say thank you for sticking with me and my rambles. The next time you feel sad, you can try giving these songs a chance. You never know, you might feel a little bit better.

#musical theatre #musicals #broadway #west end #next to normal #in the heights #baby #waitress #company #pippin #natasha pierre and the great comet of 1812 #the great comet #the band's visit #spring awakening #into the woods #comfort songs

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young-dumb-and-vaccinated · 3 years

Text

A Deafened Bard (Stephen Strange x Female!Reader) pt. 2

Doctor Strange and y/n confide their tragic backstories in one another. Y/n struggles with her feelings for him.

Trigger warnings: abusive parenting, use of firearms, discussion of death and grief, mention of alcoholism

"On the outside, always looking in

Will I ever be more than I've always been?

Cause I'm tap, tap, tapping on the glass-"

You stopped yourself before you could indulgently belt out the titular lyric.

"Ew, why was I singing that?" You muttered to yourself. "I don't even like that song."

You knew, subconsciously, that it was because you were trying to avoid what you really wanted to sing. For the first time ever, you had an audience. Someone was paying attention.

"Love of my life, you've hurt me-"

"Oh, come on, butterfingers." He interrupted. "Love of my Life by Freddie Mercury. Give me something hard."

"I wasn't aware it was classic rock trivia night."

"Then why were you staring straight at me while singing?" He smirked.

"Was I?" You cocked your head, expertly deflecting his implication. "I'm so spaced out I don't even know where I'm looking."

"It's Freddie Mercury." He insisted.

"Uh, yes and no." You corrected, drawing on your encyclopedic knowledge of Queen from one particularly weird summer in high school. "While Freddie Mercury wrote the song, it was recorded on a Night at the Opera. Which was accredited to the whole band."

"That's a nitpick," he shook his head. "I'm still right."

You couldn't wear your heart on your sleeve anymore. You could only distract him with 70s glam rock trivia for so long before he started to notice a pattern. Although a sappy love song was in your heart, you sang the anthem of the depressed theater kid.

You were staring straight at him, though. But who wouldn't? You studied his features only for artistic inspiration. His sharp jaw and high, high cheekbones were… inspiring.

You couldn't lie to yourself. You fell and fell hard.

"Butterfingers!" Master Strange called out from the other side of the sanctum. "I need you!"

You dropped your pencil and pushed yourself out from the chair. "Coming!"

You followed the voice into his chambers. This was a new development, you thought. Out of respect for his privacy, you'd never dared to snoop around in his bedroom. But this was practically a written invitation.

The room was spotless. Not a book or a scrap of paper out of place. Nor was there much to look at at all. A handful of picture frames, some magazines from when he was a surgeon, all featuring himself on the cover.

"Butterfingers!" He called again, as if he knew you were about to snoop.

"I'm here!" You yelled back, eyes wandering around the room. "What do you need?"

"I left my watch somewhere in the library!" He sounded disproportionately panicked for what was just a minor inconvenience. "I need you to go get it for me."

"What does it look like?" You asked.

"It's a $27,000 watch." He snapped impatiently. "It looks like one."

"Jesus." You cursed.

"Don't give me that shit, [F/N]." He ordered, slamming his fist down against the sink. "Just do what you're goddamn told."

"Alright, alright!" You put your hands up. "Fine, I'll get it."

You hurried down the stairs and into the library. On the floor between his favorite chair and a stack of musty old books was a slim, silvery watch with a plain black band.

You picked it up and examined it. Apart from the price tag, was there really any reason for him to be so worried about it? He knew exactly where he left it. Did he have reason to believe it wouldn't be there when he returned?

All you needed to do was flip it over to get your answer. You read the inscription on the back.

Time will tell how much I love you -- Christine

You should have known that his massive ego wouldn’t keep the women away forever. Hell, it certainly didn’t deter you. Much uglier douchebags have gotten far prettier girlfriends than they deserved.

You closed your fingers around the watch and sighed. The fantasy you created for yourself, of slowly, deliberately earning his love was shattered. Christine already beat you to it, it seemed. You tried to smother the part of you that resented this person for her exclusive right to Master Strange's affections. You didn't know her, but you loathed her. And you felt filthy for it.

With a heavy heart, you brought the stupid, criminally expensive little timepiece back to its rightful owner.

"Here's your all-important watch, master." You mumbled, placing it on the bedside table.

"I know I told you I would give you space to question things," He said, swiping it from the table and expertly affixing it around his wrist. "But I'd really appreciate it if you didn't question this."

You tried to sound as non-passive-aggressive as you could. You attempted a more forgiving tone, but you couldn't hide your hurt. "It's fine. I don't care."

"I didn't mean to get short with you, [F/N]." His voice softened. "I'm sorry. But this watch-"

"It's fine." You cut him off, peering at the floor.

"It was a gift." He finished anyway.

You felt the lump in your throat rising. You knew what the watch represented and you wanted to smash it to pieces. Along with the sting of rejection, you felt the sting of tears in your eyes. "I know. I saw the engraving."

"She died two years ago." He lowered his head.

Suddenly, all your ill will towards this woman turned into guilt.

"I'm sorry to hear that." You said. "I can't imagine what it's like to lose someone who loved you so much."

"She had agreed to come to a speaking engagement with me. As a second chance, and-" Pain wrapped his voice. He closed his hand tightly around the watch and held it close to his chest. "Have you ever been in love before, [F/N]?"

From the way your heart ached, and how easily the thought of never being with him made you cry, you knew the answer. You'd been avoiding speaking it into being thus far, but you couldn't lie to yourself anymore.

"Yes." You whispered.

"You'll learn soon enough." He muttered. "It only brings more suffering."

The tears finally breached and you tried to blink them away. You didn't know what emotion was causing them: guilt, shame, contempt, anger, sadness-- they were all present.

"Master Strange, I-" you stuttered, tripping over your breath. "I respect what you've gone through, I really do, but it's not fair to take it out on me."

"You're right." He conceded. "I'm sorry. Please, go get some sleep.”

You nodded. “Right.”

You slept as late as you could get away with the next morning. In apprentice terms, that only meant sleeping until eight thirty. Your dailies could wait an extra hour while you laid in bed, feeling like garbage.

You stumbled down the spiral staircase in your pajamas. No bra, no makeup and no effort. You didn’t even run a brush through your hair. Why try, you thought. Why make an effort for the man who would never see you as anything but the help?

When you saw the piano, though, you did a full 180.

In the living area was a French cherry baby grand piano that definitely was not there before. You certainly would have noticed it before. You placed your phone on the counter and approached the new addition.

As if the memories were woven into the very muscles and ligaments of your fingers, you ran down a few octaves of C Major. The keys were smooth as porcelain and the sound that emanated from the instrument was next to heavenly.

A bright orange post-it note was stuck to the music rack.

“Love of my Life”, Queen, A Night at the Opera. 1975

Was this a request, or an admission of wrong? Whatever the case, it made you smile.

"You weren't being entirely honest with me, Butterfingers." He said, randomly materializing behind you.

You turned around on the piano bench and looked up at him. "What was I not honest about?"

"I'm so glad you asked." He sat down on the bench next to you, phone in hand. "Because when you said you used to play piano, you didn't specify you were actually a student prodigy."

Sure enough, on his phone, he was scrolling through your Instagram. Dozens of videos of a much younger [F/N] playing hundreds of different songs, singing with too many vocal runs and doing so with the entire content of her soul behind the music.

"Student prodigy is a bit strong." You turned your head to hide your blush.

He scrolled up and found a picture of a young, zit-faced teenage [F/N] holding an acceptance letter. "Last I checked, Juilliard doesn't give full-ride scholarships to just anyone."

You covered your face with your hands, smothering an embarrassed smile. "God, please. I'd rather you'd found my OnlyFans."

He raised his eyebrows. "As tempting as that sounds, I'd still rather hear your explanation on this. Why did you give up on something you loved?"

You looked at him in surprise. "You really want to know?"

"Well, I told you mine." He playfully nudged you in the side.

You took a deep breath in. "Well, it was about two years ago, now-”

"Cheers to you, [F/N]!" Your best friend Holly raised her glass of champagne in your direction. "Juilliard ain't gonna know what hit ‘em."

"I'll drink to that." You said, bring your own flute up to your lips and taking a swig. You wretched in disgust as the vile liquid ran down your throat. "Or maybe I won't."

"You're gonna have to get used to it." Holly nudged you with her elbow. "I think most professional musicians are alcoholics."

You narrowed your eyes at her. "I don't think that's right."

"Is too." She smirked. "Conductors are mad strict. Abusive even. Drive musicians to drink all the time."

You laughed. "Is everything you know about the world of music from Whiplash?"

"And The Perfection." She added.

"Thank you, Holly." You said, attempting to take another sip of champagne, purely for dramatic effect. "Very cool."

You felt a pair of hands on your shoulders. "Hi, Holly. Enjoying the party?"

Holly took a step back. "Hey, Mrs. [L/N]. Yeah, it's great."

"I hope you don't mind," Your mom said, her fake nice voice eeking through her clenched teeth. "I need to borrow [F/N] for a few minutes."

Holly's face fell. "Sure. I'll catch up with you later, [F/N]."

Your mother tugged you off to the side. With a stressed huff, she began. "Jason is out in the fields with his ROTC friends."

"And what do you want me to do about that?" You asked, knowing her drunk self couldn't read your sarcastic tone.

"Could you go get him and bring him home?" She said, squeezing your upper arm.

"Are you kidding?" You spat.

"[F/N], he's drunk." She scolded. "Do you want him to get another strike on his record?"

"I don't care." You mumbled under your breath. "Have him call an uber. Hell, let him sleep it off in the field. Not my problem."

"You know what he's like when he's drunk." She rationalized. "He gets rowdy. It had better be you."

You tensed up. "No. Holly and I are going to the French Quarter. I don't have time to babysit Jason."

"Just pick him up on your way there?" She pleaded. "It won't take long."

You knew this wasn't going to stop. "Fine, but this is the last time."

You were both dressed far too well to be trekking through the swampy ass nowhere when you should have been fucking your way through the French Quarter. Luckily for your evening plans, all you needed to do was follow the sound of gunshots.

You slammed the car door shut and Holly followed suit. Finding him was the easy part. The hard part was hauling his drunk ass back home.

"Fun's over, shithead." You announced, heels sinking into the sod as you spoke. You didn't have much trouble projecting over the gunfire and getting their attention.

"Shit, [F/N]?" Jason sputtered, so drunk he could barely keep his head straight.

"Holy shit, I didn't even recognize you in that dress." One of his dumb fuck friends added. He jabbed Jason in the side. "Why didn't you tell me your sister's hot?"

"Buster, I-'' You clenched your teeth. "I don't care if you live or die, but my mom needs me to bring Jason home."

"If you get in the car now, we won't have to use the chloroform." Holly added.

Jason scratched the back of his head with the barrel of his gun, then pointed it at you. "You're gonna have to make me."

"Jesus fucking Christ!" You exclaimed, hitting the deck. "What the fuck, Jason!?"

Jason and his dumbass friends laughed. "You should have seen the look on your face, [F/N]!"

"Put down the fucking gun-" You seethed. "And get in the fucking car."

He lowered the gun and looked like he was going to concede. Just when you thought he would cooperate, he stuck it up again. He keeled over in a fit of laughter when you and Holly panicked again.

"Look at them!" He shouted. "They're so fucking scared!"

You knew out in the middle of the swamp, nobody could hear you scream. So you used it to your advantage.

"Jason, you're going in the car, or under it." You raised your voice. "I will mow your drunk ass down like eight day old roadkill right here in this field and you will be LUCKY if anyone finds your bloated, shit-covered remains before the crocodiles get a whiff of you."

That seemed to get his attention.

"Sorry, boys." He pouted. "You heard her."

He had to 'get you' one final time, though. Only that time, the gun went off. Just centimeters from your ear. You clutched the side of your head, trying to drown out the deafening ringing with your screams.

You vaguely remembered Holly pistol-whipping Jason before loading you into the car to drive you to the hospital, leaving him desolate and drunk in the field.

"It was a one-in-a-million shot." The otolaryngologist tried not to sound impressed at what was clearly some kind of anomaly very few got to witness in a medical career. "When the bullet fired, the gunpowder traveled down your ear canal, burning the cells of your auditory nervous system and... singing your eardrum... clean off."

Your eyes widened. "Off?!"

The doctor lowered her head. "I'm sorry, Miss [L/N]. I'm afraid you'll never return to full hearing again."

You didn't want to kill the messenger. You knew she was only doing her job. "Are you fucking kidding me?!"

"If we could do a tympanoplasty, which, given the condition of the drum, is unlikely-" she began. "There would still be no way to fully repair the hair cells along the ear canal."

You took deep breaths to try and quell your simmering rage. "I'm leaving for Juilliard in three months."

"Hearing aid technology has improved significantly over the last decade." She said, a somewhat hopeful upturn in her voice.

That was when your mother decided to join in on the conversation. "Oh, we can't afford that."

You thought you were going to crush your teeth into bits from how tightly your jaw was clenched in fury. "Take it out of Jason's college fund, then."

"Oh, [F/N]." She said as if you had just told the funniest joke imaginable. "Please. That wouldn't be fair to Jason."

"You can afford to send that blithering idiot to the Citadel." You hissed. "You can afford to buy me a hearing aid so I can play piano."

"Beethoven was entirely deaf." Your mom pointed out. "And he became the greatest composer of all time. It's really just mind over matter, sweetie-"

"Sure, that makes perfect sense!" You plastered on a deranged smile, feeling driven to the brink of madness. "I can repair my destroyed eardrum with the power of positive thinking! Jason gets thirty-five thousand dollars a year to play soldier, but I have to just use my imagination."

She covered her face with her hands as if she was being attacked and went into kicked-puppy mode. "Don't be mad at Jason, [F/N]. He didn't mean to hurt you-"

"Fuck this." You said, releasing all your tension in those two words. "Fuck all of this. I'm tired of you defending that chauvinist asshole. The next time you see me will be when one of us is dead."

"Where are you going?!" She wailed.

You snatched your purse from the table and threw it over your shoulder. "I'm moving out."

“Disgraced at age nineteen?" Master Strange said, leaning back on the piano. "Let me guess, you turned to alcohol to cope?"

"You'd think, but actually no." You shook your head. The tone of the conversation had taken a sharp left turn from sadness to dry, apathetic amusement. "I probably would have if I could have afforded it."

"You missed out." He said. "Drinking a whole bottle of eighty year old scotch was definitely the highlight of my grieving period."

You'd never joined the clauses 'Master Strange' and 'drunk off his ass' in the same sentence before then. It was an odd mental picture for sure. One you needed to see to believe.

"I got desperate." You admitted. "Luckily, New Orleans had a lot to offer someone like me, so I didn't have to go far to find people claiming to have answers. But it was all essential oils, incense, binaural beats-"

"I'm sorry," he cut in. "What kind of dickhead suggests binaural beats to someone with only one functioning ear?"

You threw up your hands. "Right? Doesn't make sense. Anyway, I came across a woman named Mistress Fantina and she pointed me in the right direction. How to heal my body through control of my spirit."

He looked at you with that fascination of the human body characteristic of those in the medical field. "It worked, I assume?"

"I figured it out." You shrugged. "But I got so invested in the Mystic Arts that I forgot all about Juilliard. Became a full-time student. Ever since, I never once thought about returning to my old life."

"I suppose if I'd discovered this world because I had lost, say, my ability to perform surgery, it would be hard to leave it behind and return to the operating room." He thought out loud. Sighing, he closed his hand over his watch. "But no matter how medical science evolves, you can't reverse death."

You let the quiet linger for a moment.

#doctor strange #doctor strange x you #doctor strange x reader #stephen strange x reader #doctor stephen strange #stephen strange #dr stephen strange #stephen strange x you #what if #what if marvel #doctor strange supreme #tw guns #tw abusive parent

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utterlyinevitable · 3 years

Note

Darling Dom😘 kiss #4 for e&b? Please and thank you🌻

Again.

Pairing: Ethan x F!MC (Becca Lao) Rating: Mature/NSFW Summary: It’s been three months since the incident. They haven’t been intimate since.. except today Becca thinks it’s time to try again. Warning: Eludes to pregnancy termination/loss Trope: NSFW, Partnership, Pregnancy, In Love, Traumatic, Ethan POV.

#4 …where it hurts.

A/N: from the write a kiss list. Oh Petra thank you for requesting this 💚 I was seriously stuck on what to write for these beans for a very long time. One night I was in my feelings and spilled this out in the dead of night. It’s raw, got away from me and I’m not really sure there’s a coherent plotline. It’s also my very first attempt at smut. This is in the DWHAF? universe with the intended audience of just you and me. I know you’re on hiatus right now and hope you’ll find this soon. I love you 💕

A/N2: this is emotional porn. again, i have done ZERO editing to this. please be gentle.

__________________

It hurts.

Not physically, no.

It’s an ache in the chest that never seems to heal.

Becca thought she was ready. It has been months, after all. Three weeks was the recommended recovery time, her own proclivities chose six just to be safe. Just to make sure everything healed the way it should.

The reality is it’s been three months.

They haven’t had sex since the week before she took that daunting test.

Ethan hadn’t pushed her. It wasn’t his place too. And he had bigger worries than their libido - like the grim look on her face, and getting her back to work. Bringing the color back to her smile. Even when it did return, duller than before but there, he worried.

If Ethan was being honest he hasn’t felt like it either.

So Becca got to choose when they were ready to go farther than sweet kisses and soft above-waist caresses.

She chose tonight; quite randomly Ethan must admit. Nothing about the day was very romantic nor inspiring, everything about it was the same mundane routine they’ve fallen into.

The only difference being the hunger in her eyes as they left work and the fervent kisses up his arm and on his neck in the elevator up to their condo. The way she pulled him down to her lips the moment his key scraped against the lock of their door. Her determined fingers unbuttoning half his shirt before they’ve even crossed the threshold. Shoes tossed in the same motion as their tops.

Ethan gathered her in his arms. Hiked her up around his waist carrying her to the bedroom. His lips never leaving her skin. It’s been so long it feels like the first time. The butterflies and electricity and static and wonton anticipation, he’s already hard and twitching just thinking about being in her again.

He sets her down on the bed as gracefully as a his inherent carnage would let him. Becca bounces on top of the memory foam, her fists gripping at his pants.

Ethan playfully bats her away - a few fingers to her shoulder pushes her back towards the mattress. Now she’s laid out before him like so many times before - her open mouth and flush cheeks saying more than she has all day.

He leans down to try to seductively remove her trousers, wants to try to have a semblance of lasting foreplay. Ethan wants her to be ready. Sure. Confident that it’s the right time. Becca wiggles with splendid impatience that has his devious smirk broadening. He peels the skin-tight pants off her legs and admires his woman.

She’s in the most remarkable unremarkably mismatched lingerie - a horrendously lime green everyday bra and blue cotton panties.

It’s his favorite sight to behold.

Then her hands are reaching for him, opening and closing like a toddler reaching for a parent.

For a moment Ethan falters.

For a moment he’s forced to remember why this time is special.

Why he needs to be careful.

That even though she hasn’t talked about it, it’s a heart wound that may never heal.

Ethan swallows back the emotion that begins to build in his throat. The leftovers of which manifest in the glaze of his eyes. Mixes with every ounce of love for his beholder.

He’s resigned to believe he’s made peace with what’s happened weeks ago. It wasn’t his place to get involved more so than as a supportive partner. He didn’t have a right to make any part of this about him. It may have been his baby but it wasn’t his body, his life on the line. He’d take a thousand more weeks like that one if it meant keeping Becca by his side.

Ethan laces his fingers through hers, uses her as an anchor to bring them closer together until their clasped hands are pressed into the mattress and he’s hovering above her. Until mandarin oranges and peony are in his nostrils. The smell of her mixed with the sweetness of sex starting to transpire on her skin. Until one of her legs hooks around his and pulls him closer.

It’s a tender kiss with soft lips. Another to her jaw. To the other side. Peppers of pecks down her neck. His hands follow to free her breasts, tongue swirling around one nipple while the other is teased by the tips of his fingers. It’s the switches when she groans, perfect lustful reverberations. Then she’s wiggling more seeking friction between her legs, grinding against what she can get from his thigh.

Ethan can’t help but oblige.

Lips trailblazing the plain of her body, hands following until fingers curl in the waistband. Tugs one side then the other down.

Becca lifts her hips eagerly.

The motion shouldn’t have stopped Ethan in his tracks.

But it did.

He has to take another moment to appreciate this sight. Her. His Madonna. His siren. The love of his life. The woman who far surpasses any of his wildest dreams.

His partner.

She feels his intense gaze - his azure eyes weighted down with so much love. It makes her uncomfortable.

Bare and barren in front of him Becca throws her arms over her face.

She didn’t want this. She didn’t want the attention - didn’t want the cloud of despair that hangs over her every moment of the day to rain on this one bit of normalcy. She wanted to get back to the way they were. Wanted to get so intoxicated on him that she didn’t feel anything anymore.

She wanted to go back to before.

Ethan catches the shift. His hands are rubbing up and down her thighs comfortingly, and Becca feels one side of the bed dip below her hips.

The air is filled with terminal understanding.

His fingers are still grazing her upper thighs, to her hip bone, through her tuft to the other side and around again. Drawing a parallelogram around her most sensitive area. Sparking sensations she hasn’t felt in months and desensitizing her all the same.

Becca peeks out from her hiding place. Even in the dampened glow of Boston through the windows, she can see him so clearly. His eyes so dark and large, inviting and questioning.

She forces a half smile.

He responds with a kiss to her lips with every ounce of understanding he has to offer.

His smiles matches her own when he receives a roll of her hips as his forefinger grazes the crease of her legs. Then he gets a moan of encouragement. She parts for him and his finger meets her labia, sticking out like always. He gives it the attention it deserves then dipping further into her folds. Wet and biologically ready.

Further up he circles her clit and the little groan she makes is music to his ears. It’s a groan of pure satisfaction. Deep and pleasurable. Ethan looks over and Becca's eyes are shut once more. Enjoyably light and without creases. Like she’s lost in his touch. Her hands twirling in the sheets in anticipation for what’s to come.

Ethan shifts. Swift movements down the bed to kneel between her legs. She smells sweet and a little like chlorine and undoubtedly like sex and they have barely started yet. It settles deep in his abdomen, his cock twitches.

He wants to keep going.

He will keep going.

He’ll worship her and bring her to ecstasy multiple times.

But, before he does anything else, he leans over.

He leans over to place a delicate everlasting kiss to the inner area of her pubic bone. To the area she’s clutched and cried out in pain over. A quick recognition of what was, has been.

They’ll never forget.

But they’ll move on.

They’ll make it better, together.

__________________________

a/n: woowee this was a doozy. can you see what i mean by i didn’t edit and just sent it off into the void? this was also my first attempt at smut so i hope it wasn’t cringe-central 🤞

thank you for reading ♥

@openheartfanfics @choicesficwriterscreations

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#open heart #choices open heart #open heart fanfics #ethan ramsey #ethan x mc #ethan ramsey x mc #nsft

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dreamiesdotcom · 3 years

Text

shooting star | n.jm

Summary: You take a pen, resting your cheeks on your palms as you lazily think of words to write — now and then, you lock gazes with Jaemin and you pretend that the red in your cheeks is just of the cold.

Word Count : 3.9k

The rooftop is big, but it feels a little crowded.

The addition of people is not bad, you think, especially since those people make your friends happy. By tradition, you welcome the New Year in this rooftop, playing music and games just like the other days but this time, with more food and... well, New Year stuff — fireworks, things to make noise with. The addition of people is not bad. If you're observant enough, it can even be entertaining.

As an example, if you look close enough, you'll see that Renjun and Jisung have been just friends for too long. That, in the sense of Renjun watching Jisung playfully ride the beat, a smile that tips over the line of finding his carelessness unbearable in a growing-more-in-love kind of way.

He looks lost, maybe even intoxicated in the other's laughter, admiring the way Jeno can make his best friend easily drop his shyness. Renjun looks like he wants to know how. If you look close enough, you'll see the regretful heart behind his faux scowl.

Renjun looks at Jeno and Jisung with longing, the kind you're familiar with. He turns to you, and you avert your gaze a little too late because he's giggling as he walks over to your direction.

"So, you saw me, huh?" He asks, handing you a glass of whatever drink he first laid his hands on, no 'happy new year' or any appropriate first greeting. He leans against the railings and sighs wistfully, "Look, do you ever just fall in love with your best friend's boyfriend?"

"Out of random?"

"You don't fall for people at random." Bewilderment crosses his face, and he turns to you the same time you look at him. You shrug, and he arches a brow, "You let that build up and wait for it to destroy you."

You let that build up — the words echo inside your head as you break eye contact. Right across, Donghyuck pulls away from hugging Jaemin with a bright smile, handing him a gift. Jaemin sets it down, and probably feels your gaze on him because he looks up and beams at you. Red flushes your cheeks. — and wait for it to destroy you.

"Toast to that, I guess," you smile, watching him pretend to judge you and fail. Chenle calls out his name for a picture before they set up the fireworks, and before Renjun detaches himself from you, he bumps the rim of his glass to yours. You sigh.

"To the love we wished deserved and didn't."

Shock engulfs his features, then he laughs and he repeats the words before he leaves. The sudden lack of company feels a little cold.

You look at the candle one of them randomly lit, looking at it in stupor before picking it up. The wax trickles and scorches your skin, but you don't wince like you probably would any other feeling day. You hold onto it firmly until its golden glow is close enough to your hands, warm enough that you could pretend it's about to set you on fire.

All so suddenly Jaemin is beside you, blowing off the flame. You watch at him in question until he smiles.

"That'll burn."

"That's alright," you fake a laugh. "I want for a lot of things to burn."

###

It all starts on a Wednesday, a fine afternoon spent sitting at a cafe, waiting for Donghyuck. Your notebook remains open at your side, empty and waiting to be filled with unabashed emotions. The past eight months were spent uninspired, and you decided to look around the place in search of something — maybe the vintage items, the ivory wallpapers, the beautiful chairs — anything.

Something comes in the form of nervous eyes and flushed cheeks, a boy sitting at the far right of the place. He sits alone, fingers tapping on the table, sunlight grazing his skin. You almost hated how cliche everything had been — a boy, an uninspired poet, hands that so desperately itch to write about faded pink hair and a lost angel.

Your gazes meet, and everything unfolds way too softly for it to not be love at first sight.

At that moment, you knew nothing that good should be real. At that moment, you knew nothing that good could be yours.

You were right.

Donghyuck comes in, and he waves at you excitedly before furrowing his brows. Your best friend had always been adorably one of a kind, but none of his weirdness could have prepared you for when he walks straight to the boy's table, and you were almost certain he caught you two staring at each other and is waiting to set you two up, until he's walking back to your table with the brightest grin, the boy beside him.

Their hands entwined.

"He's my boyfriend!" He squeals, "Oh hell, should've said his name first. He's Jaemin, and he's my boyfriend."

"Oh..." you nodded, hands subtly moving to close your notebook. "Uh. Hi."

They both stand in silence before they start cracking up, inevitably making you smile. You excuse your awkwardness, and Donghyuck introduces you two again, and you shake hands this time. You pretend you don't feel shivers run down your spine.

The day passed in blurs of sugar smiles, a love story, a dull throb in your heart. The poetry being written in your head never got finished.

###

The first time you realize it, the world seems to forget you were even born, Donghyuck's across the world with his parents, and solitude is eating you alive. You find yourself stumbling back to the same rooftop, plucking rose petals with a sad face.

It's probably petty — honestly, it is, but it's not just that. It's not that you wanted gifts, or you wanted attention; you wanted to just feel special, to know that someone is glad that once upon a time on this very day, you were born. To belong. To feel wanted. To be told "Happy Birthday" because you are important and should be celebrated.

And maybe it's also because you grew used to it, waking up to several different ways of saying 'Happy Birthday'. Maybe you were used to midnight greetings, to people forcing you out of bed at 6 am, to eating breakfast and lunch and dinner together. Your home had been so empty and to have your friends fill that gap even just for a day is something you look forward to every year — the mournful feeling is there again.

8 pm glares at you on your lock screen, and it reminds you that you can't do any of that now. You tip your head back and let your back hit the floor. Maybe if you look hard enough, you'll see a shooting star and it'll give you a little something.

"What're you doing?"

You look up, surprised but not alarmed. Jaemin's soft smile greets your sight.

"I'm laying down and waiting for a comet to strike me."

The sound of his camera constantly breaks the static, and you realize that he'd been taking pictures of the nightlife. He makes a noise that tells you he isn't convinced with your answer, but you don't entertain him anymore. You just watch him take as many polaroids as he can, and you laugh because suddenly, the only thoughts in your mind becomes 'pretty, pretty, pretty'.

You force a laugh, "It's my birthday."

"Is today your birthday!? Nobody told me!"

"It's not important. I mean, who celebrates birthdays these days, righ— Hey!" The familiar snap sounds again and you stand up from where you're laying down, ready to hit him, but then he gives you the film. You look at his hands and back up, "What's this?"

"My gift." He shrugs as if it's the most obvious thing in the world. You take the picture from his hands, hesitant but relieved that it seemed to look nice, anyway. Jaemin smiles, "It's the image of an angel."

The world stops.

It's ridiculous and cheesy, even he knew that; the two of you laugh uncontrollably. It wasn't the kind of laughter that fades after a minute, but rather the kind that stops for a while only to start up again. The sound grows louder with each passing moment, and your eyes meet, but you don't stop until you both become embarrassed enough to blush; neither of you look away.

Maybe you are in love.

Maybe you are in love, and maybe he is too — except this time, it's not with Donghyuck, who it should be.

###

"It's you I meet again," Jaemin chimes. "What's up, buttercup? What are you doing here, a coffee shop, at 3 am?"

You look around the cafe, the tables empty. You briefly wonder about when Jaemin started working here before you realize you're unnecessarily curious. You press your lips into a thin line, looking for someone.

"I'd like to assume you already know." Your forehead creased when you noticed the unusual absence, "Where's my favorite boy?"

"Am I not your favorite boy?"

Jaemin pouts, and heaven, how it made your heart skip. You blink, spending the moment in silence, waiting for him to give up. "You are, indeed, not my favorite boy," You smile sweetly. "Where's Renjun?"

"I'm here because he's not. Do I seem like I work here? I was drinking coffee before he passed me an apron and left."

You roll your eyes, a poor attempt at keeping in the words of agreement — you kind of do, you look pretty, I could write so much about you — and you pretend to want nothing but get your drink. It takes an eternity before he lets you go, but once he does, you get comfortable on a table and whip out your notebook.

You look down on the first page, tracing the neatly written words — a confession if anybody who knows you gets to read it. A confession more than a dedication.

To the boy I shouldn't have loved.

The very same shooting star who gifted me a lifetime of heartbreak.

You heave a heavy sigh. You take a pen, resting your cheeks on your palms as you lazily think of words to write — now and then, you lock gazes with Jaemin and you pretend that the red in your cheeks is just of the cold. From that moment, every word you write is either about lights so bright you don't forget how beautiful he was under them, or something so strong it erases every trace of him from your system.

Jaemin leaves the counter and takes the chair across you. You look at him in confusion.

"I don't think you can do that?"

"I just did so I suppose, I can definitely do that." He smiles brightly. "So, what're we doing?"

You eye your notebook before quickly closing it, and then your half-finished cup of coffee. It's still dark outside with only some cars and people passing by, none of them interested in coming inside the cozy place. You say something about just being about to leave, and you look at him as if to say whatever's inside your head. Then, you stand up and walk away.

"Stay," he whispers, light enough that you'd think you weren't supposed to hear.

You swallow the lump in your throat when you feel his hand wrap around your wrist, cold against warm, and you don't have to look at his face to know of the begging stare he has directed for you at the moment. You try to look away but you feel weak, so weak that you could only manage a thin, shivering voice.

"Let me go."

"I can't."

Then don't, the voice in your head whispers, the selfish one; the greedy one, the desperate one. In reality, you close your eyes and tug your hands back because what's wrong is wrong, and what's wrong can never be right.

###

The rain clouds come one of the many times Jaemin asks for you to accompany him, and the storm looms darker above you with each genuine 'yes'.

The way this set up started had been pretty simple — hanging out together as friends, getting closer for Donghyuck's comfort; best friend-boyfriend bonding as he called it. For a while, it was everything. It's just your best friend trying to get you to trust his boyfriend, getting to know each other, and that's all — that's the truth.

It was friendship until it wasn't, and that was the truth until it was not anymore.

The night was peaceful so you didn't expect anything to go wrong, but expectations aren't always accurate. The sea looks calm, the moon brighter than all the other days. Jaemin's playing a somber song, something magical that just fits right for him and bittersweet love. His eyelashes flutter in a way gentle enough to drive you crazy, his perfume mingling with the cold night sea breeze, and it's too much that it drives you insane.

"What's wrong?" He asks as if he already knows the answer. "You're not telling me something."

It's been three months and a year since you and Jaemin started hanging out alone, and the swirling guilt in your gut is unnecessary because you're not even doing anything wrong.

It's the fleeting moments, you think, those lingering touches whenever you try to take from him the keys — "I'll drive," you'd whisper when you see yet again that look. Jaemin would smile, "What, scared I'll crash? I'm not stupid." — and when he doesn't give them, you sigh heavily with a hopeful look in your eyes. "Where to?" You'd ask even if you didn't care, and he would let himself forget the world as he opens the door for you, whispering words only a dreamer would say: "Stars."

And maybe it's where everything goes wrong. He shouldn't dream much for hopeless cases.

"Hey, shooting star," you call. He arches a brow at the nickname, but you ignore him. "Do you love me?"

"Would you hate me if I do?"

"You're dating my best friend, so of course, fuck you." You chuckle, shaking your head. "I hate myself more, so don't take it personally."

You meet his gaze, and the world shifts yet again just like at that moment in the coffee shop — angel boy, uninspired poet. He looked at you the same way he did weeks ago at the New Year's Party, that in the way his eyes are saying so many words for him to not be in love with you. Except now, he's much closer. Except now, in the confinements of his car, nobody to witness but the sea and the stars, he's leaning in and his breath is tickling your skin.

Except now, he's about to kiss you and you're not stopping him.

I can't, the rational part of you whispered. You say that you can't, but you're almost always on the edge of something and you're brave enough to consider through the guilt; you hate to admit it but that's the truth. You say that you can't, but at the same time, you don't draw yourself away from him — why?

Because in each and every one of this I can't's is the nasty truth that reads I want to.

You look at the water, and you chase your thoughts out with a dive. Jaemin's lips are still hovering above yours, and maybe if you weren't so numb you'd feel his heartbeat. You want to tear away, you want to run home and make a call and cry a litany of apologies. You want so much. You want so much, but what you want the most at the moment is for him to do what you can't and just kiss you already — you'd rather break yourself than not have this.

You close your eyes and decide that whatever will come tomorrow is something you deserve. You'll break your heart and ruin your world just for a kiss, and he'll leave — but you'll know that for a while he loved you and everything else is forgotten. You choose him and you forget all the consequences.

Just for once, just tonight. Just right now you'll let yourself indulge. Just this time he can have everything.

Right before your lips crash, you catch yourself and swim.

"Would you give me what I want, because you love me?"

Your words come out raspy, your eyes glistening with tears. Jaemin smiles in a manner just as heartbreaking, "What do you want?"

Not him — dear moon, I want him so bad, but I can't — definitely not him.

"I want fire so hot it burns away all the bad thoughts in my head." You suppress a sob as you move away, leaning back on the seat, clutching the fabric of your clothes as if to search for any semblance of sanity. "I want light so bright I forget you."

"What… what?"

You look at him with pure misery, "I think we should stop seeing each other."

Jaemin doesn't reply, but he starts up the car and makes a turn. You close your eyes hoping that everything could just be washed away by the rain, and you don't look at him for the rest of the drive.

###

Never in your life did you even think of living life without your best friend. That just can't happen, and so, why give it a thought, right? You're with him all the time, and he's been there since you can remember, and it wouldn't make sense if one day you wake up and he's all too suddenly not there anymore. You're certain that he's not going anywhere, and even if you're unsure of what the future holds, you aren't so worried.

If you knew, maybe you should have been.

"Hyuck?"

"Are you gonna remind me of the time I almost drowned and you told me you'll kill me if I die?"

"I'm leaving."

The traces of his previous chuckles disappear, and it seems like a movie scene with the way yours bloom tragically as you watch colored lights reflect on his skin. Then, as if sunrise, a slow smile etches on his face. A brief moment of regret and pain crosses his eyes before love overtakes it.

"You don't have to." He murmurs, sight still cast at the sea. Both his hands are tucked in his pockets in such a leisure way, and then he casually peers at you, "You don't have to leave because I'm not mad."

The sea makes the wind blowing even colder, and suddenly, the docks that used to warm you with sunlight feels cold as snow.

He knows... of course, he knows. Donghyuck saw your iridescence from every side and he knew how everything looked by heart; of course, he knew, he's your best friend, after all. Oh, how evil you are. How evil you are for loving the boy who belongs with him. How evil you are that even after that, Donghyuck reaches for your hands and you let him hold you; you let him smile at you sweetly, you let him calm you still.

"How can I even get mad at you? I love you more than anything in this world," he chuckles, and it breaks your heart. "You're my best friend and I'll give Jaemin up if I have to, if that will make you happy."

If that will make you happy... if it will make me happy... why did I do that to you, love? How did I manage to... oh, sweet heavens.

"You're all I need forever," you answer weakly, breathless and breathing all the same in his hug. It's your way of saying no, absolutely no, your sadness would never make me happy. You thank the high heavens that he couldn't see your face and the pain in it when you whisper, "But at the moment, this is what I need. Distance."

The first tear falls from Donghyuck's eyes, and the sudden drizzle of rain washes it off him. You look up to him and see longing, wondering just why it had to be this way, almost begging you you stay. He looked like he's about to send the world away if it meant that you won't have to leave, but the truth burns down to your determination, that he always admired: you have made your mind and there's no stopping you. You know what is best for yourself, and Donghyuck trusts you.

Set yourself free, Donghyuck whispers before he walks home. After that, please come back to me.

###

When you meet Jaemin ten hours before you leave, he's standing at the very same place Donghyuck was the day before. He's wearing a similar jacket, standing in a similar manner, looking just as beautiful against the water. The only thoughts running inside your head is how perfect they are.

"Jaemin."

Not even 'shooting star' anymore.

He turns at the call of his name, and you're still standing on both of your feet, but it feels like diving deep. His skin reflects the very same lights Donghyuck's did, but it looked kind of different — be it red or yellow, white or the shadows; everything looked midnight blue. It feels like standing on a cliff and almost tipping over, eternally almost tipping over and falling into blue nothingness.

Jaemin smiles, not happy but breaking. It makes you hold your breath.

He laughs, "Don't break my heart."

"In the next life." Because it's all that you could have. You return his smile, "I hope I deserve you in the next life."

His laughter rings in your ear, but it doesn't make you laugh at all; instead, it makes you want to sob or scream or just hurt, yet again, to savor the pain because he doesn't want you to but it's all he could give. It feels claustrophobic to align in a way that's everything meeting with your soulmate should be, with someone who's not your soulmate. Or you are indeed soulmates, but not the ones destined to be together like that. Just two wholes that compliment each other but are meant to be torn apart.

"I just said don't break my heart, what did you do?" He tries to crack a joke, walking the last step to be closer to you. He tilts his head in that charming way, "Why did I fall in love with you?"

"Hey, Jaem... you're not. Forget that. Love him." You shake your head, fixing the collar of his shirt, an excuse for one last guiltless touch. Your voice breaks, "He's my best friend. I love him more than the world."

And just as he is to me, I would rather let you go and make him happy, you smiled at yourself. I'd rather you make each other happy.

"I know." he croaks out, a fragile smile on his face. "In the next life?"

You try to imagine a life where Jaemin isn't haunting your thoughts; you can't. For a moment, you fear meeting someone else and not being able to love them because they're not him. You fear that they'd be kinder, softer, gentler than Jaemin and you won't be able to love them back because oh, Jaemin was just right; he was too much but in a way where it's just enough — Jaemin who looks at you like you hold galaxies, Jaemin who would risk the world, Jaemin who is with your best friend. The doomed play goes on and you think again of a life where he isn't what you desperately love, and realize that indeed, hopefully, in the next life.

In the next life, because this love feels right but it's not. In the next life, because it's painful but you'll love him still again and again and again until your stars finally agree.

"In the next life." You nod, fingers clenching on the straps of your bag. You look at the ocean ahead of you, and the lights it reflects, and then you close your eyes as you feel the wind.

"Until then, shooting star."

—

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#nct dream one shot #jaemin oneshot #nct dream x reader #nct dream imagines #nct dream scenarios #jaemin fanfic #jaemin imagines #jaemin scenarios #also nahyuck #haechan x jaemin #platonic haechan x reader

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