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serendipitous-magic · 4 years

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Question Game - AKA Oversharing Hour

I was tagged by @the-angry-pixie! And I’m a chronic oversharer, so this was fun. I’ll put most of it under a read more line because there’s a LOT.

1. Do you prefer writing with a black pen or blue pen?

Black. Dunno why.

2. Would you prefer to live in the country or city?

City city city city city city city city. I’m already going fucking batshit as it is, trapped in suburbia. I want to be able to actually do things, anything. Anything other than just being around the house and / or work. (And I felt like this before the pandemic started.) If you live in the city you can walk out your door and be somewhere else within like 5 minutes. A city park, a cafe, a train/subway, a local attraction, a museum, an artist’s booth, an outdoor market, etc. etc.

Living in suburbia is like, well, to go literally anywhere you have to get into your car first and drive like 10 minutes minimum to get out of the neighborhood, and then if you want to go anywhere that’s not the grocery store you have to drive 20 minutes to get to another area of town, and then once you get there that’s the only place you can be without getting into your car again and getting a nice shot of anxiety from having to drive in traffic and have aggressive drivers roar up on your ass because you’re going 5mph above the speed limit and they want to be going 15mph above, and god help you if you have to merge, and oh by the way this is your only option to get around because public transit doesn’t really exist in any useful way in Big Suburbia, and nothing in within walking distance of your house except like 2 playgrounds and maybe one (1) gas station. (I hate it here lmao)

If I was trapped in the country I’d probably be chill with it for about a week, and enjoy the break, and the on day 8 I’d snap and go on a murdering spree out of stir-craziness.

3. If you could learn a new skill what would it be?

I want to learn German and eventually be fluent in it. But since I’ve already started trying to learn and I don’t know if that counts, I’ll say cinematography. As in the actual working of the camera and lighting and all that. I can dream up some pretty striking images but actually getting the camera to do the settings needed to capture them is another story entirely.

4. Do you drink your tea/coffee with sugar?

Nope. I drink coffee and tea both, and I don’t put any kind of sweetener in either of them. I used to put a shitton of sugar in my coffee and honey in my tea, and then I had some mild eating disorder struggles in college and I never got back in the habit of putting stuff in my hot drinks after that. It just tastes wrong now, after being used to plain black coffee.

5. What was your favourite book as a child?

Either the Harry Potter series or The Hobbit. My grandma would take care of me a lot when I was really little because my parents both worked full time to support us, and every single time I was at her house she’d sit us down at the dining room table and read something to me. Not Junie B. Jones or anything, either, but real, big, thick books. I loved the shit out of Harry Potter and The Hobbit; I would request them repeatedly. We pretty much went back and forth; we’d read Harry Potter, and then The Hobbit, and then when a new Harry Potter book came out we’d read that, and then The Hobbit again, and so on and so forth.

6. Do you prefer baths or showers?

Showers. I love baths, they’re magical, but ain’t nobody got time for that unless it’s a special occasion. I got too much shit to do to spend an hour lying in the bathtub.

7. If you could be a mythical creature, which one would it be?

Vampire. Purely on the basis that if I was immortal maybe I’d finally have time to get my to-do list done and accomplish things. I’d miss the sunlight though.

8. Paper or electronic books?

Paper. Here’s the thing, I really want to enjoy ebooks, but they just don’t hold my attention at all. Maybe I’m too conditioned by the internet to have a short attention span when I’m looking at a screen, idk.

9. What is your favourite item of clothing?

I have a dark gray hoodie from the Seattle Aquarium from when I went on a road trip across America with my BFF a few years ago. It’s still my absolute favorite thing. I also enjoy my hiking boots a lot. (I wear them all the time, really they should just be called “everyday boots” haha)

10. Do you like your name or would you like to change it?

I like my name and I would also like to start going by something different. Probably just because I’m a restless soul and I feel the best (and least trapped) when I’m on the move or when things are changing. The second I get somewhere I want to be somewhere else. That’s just how I am. Gwen is a cool name (I’ve personally met maybe 3 people in my whole life with the same name, face-to-face), but there’s a lot attached to that nickname that I don’t necessarily want to carry with me when I eventually escape my hometown and start down a new path.

11. Who is a mentor to you?

A friend and former professor whom I usually refer to online as Producer Man. He’s a producer (as you may have guessed) who kind of took me under his wing after I was in one of his film classes in college. We work together on film projects now and he’s teaching me bit-by-bit (usually by way of long, rambling, tangential stories / lectures) about the industry. He’s a really good guy. Like, he for sure has a case of Old White Guy sometimes, but his heart is absolutely in the right place. “He’s a little confused, but he’s got the spirit.” He’s always leaving $10 tips at coffee places and working himself to the bone to get his students connected to jobs and internships that will help them with their careers.

12. Would you like to be famous and if so, what for?

Yes, my stories. Actually, “famous” is not the right word. It’s just that fame is so tightly associated with success in our society. I want to be successful. Whether I’m widely known or not is pretty inconsequential to me. I want to make stories and I want them to have an impact. Books, film, etc. It’s about as simple as that.

13. Are you a restless sleeper?

Oh yeah. I have trouble sleeping as much as I should because I usually kind of jerk awake in the morning with this vague feeling that I forgot something or that I’m late for something. Also I stay up later than I should because I’m a night owl, and yet I like being up early because early mornings are great. And usually if I dream at all it’s something kind of stressful, like I dream that I forgot something important or did something wrong. I’m a Stressed Bean.

14. Do you consider yourself a romantic person?

I think so, yeah. I’m pretty obsessed with the idea of romance (I mean look at my OTPs), but heteronormativity got me fucked up enough that I’m bad at actually navigating real romantic feelings or relationships because society never prepared me for The Gay.

15. Which element best represents you?

Fire, probably.

16. Who do you want to be closer to?

My mom. We fight a lot and there tends to be a lot of tension between us. It’s a long complicated story. It boils down to, she really hurt me when I came out as not-straight at 15 and she lost all of my trust and even though she’s working on being less homophobic we’re still kind of trying to repair that divide seven years later.

17. Do you miss someone at the moment?

Dude, I miss everyone. I’m an introvert and I’d love to be at a big party right now. I miss socialization. (As does everyone.)

18. Tell us about an early childhood memory.

The first time I experienced deja vu, I was about eehhh 6? And I legitimately believed, for several years of my life, that I had future-predicting abilities. Like, supernatural-level future-predicting abilities. Because I didn’t really know what deja vu was, so I thought, every time it happened, that I had already ~seen~ that moment in my dreams or something. 🤣

19. What is the strangest thing you have eaten?

Hm. (My immature ass brain yells “DICK.” No, brain. Those were dark heteronormative times. Also, grow up.)

Probably some of the sushi in Seattle. I actually love sushi, it’s just that when it has full-on legs and eyeballs I start getting a little squeamish. I like the rolls and the kind where there’s some fish meat laid out on a nice little bed of rice, that’s delicious. But when they brought out the whole shrimp with legs still attached, I was like “How in the (redacted) am I going to chew / swallow that.”

20. What are you most thankful for?

That I happened to be living with family when this pandemic hit. I was supposed to move out (and across the country, actually) as of... like 4 days ago, as it happens. That was the plan. Plane ticket was gonna be booked for 7/15/20. Obviously, things didn’t quite work out that way, because of the pandemic and a few other reasons. But I can’t imagine if I had been in an apartment living with roommates, or in an apartment on my own struggling to get by, when this happened. A lot of people couldn’t pay rent and lost their homes. I was very, very lucky to be where I was, when I was, and very lucky that I have family who let me stay in their house pretty much indefinitely while this clusterfuck of a year happens.

21. Do you like spicy food?

Yes! I looooove spicy thai food especially. I miss the massaman curry from a local Thai place so much 😭

22. Have you ever met someone famous?

Um. Maybe? I met Veronica Roth once at an author talk in the library where I work, although it was before I worked there. And I met some guy from New Zealand who’s famous for his sword fighting skills because my dad does sword fighting stuff. Don’t remember his name though.

23. Do you keep a diary or journal?

Yep. I have to write down everything or I forget. (I often say I have the memory of a goldfish.) Also, I have this compulsion to record and preserve my experiences in life, because I feel like our time on Earth is so fleeting and if I don’t write down what’s important to me, I’ll forget it and lose it.

24. Do you prefer to use a pen or a pencil?

Pen. Pencil gets smudged.

25. What is your star sign?

Scorpio, which is ironic because they’re supposed to be ~hyper sexual~ I guess, and I’m like gray-ace or something in that zone.

26. Do you like your cereal soggy or crunchy?

Crunchy. Who eats soggy cereal? Are you okay? Do you need help? This is an intervention.

27. What would you want your legacy to be?

My stories. Life and sentience, as we experience it, is made up of just that: experience. And I read somewhere that, on some level, the human brain doesn’t differentiate that much between real life experiences and fictional experiences. I think that’s true. If you read or watch or hear the right story, it can really touch you and change the way you see life, or even change the way you live life. Stories have an incredible amount of power, both in individual people’s lives and in larger society. A huge amount of power. I want to be able to give people experiences that will Enrich Their Lives (do I sound like a lifestyle coach yet? 🤦🏼‍♀️), but also stories that actively do good in society. Positive representation, body positivity/neutrality, diversity, healthy relationships (Hollywood has a real problem with that). Hope. It’s the best thing I can think to give society, and storytelling is what I love to do.

28. Do you like reading, what was the last book you read?

I love reading. I wish I did it more. Part of my problem is that I get caught up in the hectic Rat Race of modern society and I never feel like I have time to sit down with a book for hours. Another problem of mine is that I start too many things at once, meaning I currently have like 5-10 (I lost count) books that I started reading, and I want to finish all of them, which means no progress ever gets done on any of them.

I last finished The Goldfinch, and I am currently working on The Secret History, Good Omens, Dune, a book my dad wrote, Directing Actors, Shot by Shot, The Way of Kings and I forget what else.

29. How do you show someone you love them?

Physical affection, acts of service, words of affirmation, quality time, and gifts, in that order. If I’m close to someone, whether romantically or not, I want all the affection. And I’m kind of dying in quarantine.

30. Do you like ice in your drinks?

Depends. I usually don’t put any in, because it’s just gonna water down the drink and get in the way of drinking it (you know when the ice attacks your face?), but I don’t really mind ice in my drinks.

31. What are you afraid of?

Helplessness. I Have Control Issues. ✌️ Also stagnation.

32. What is your favourite scent?

Amber. Or any scent that’s kind of autumn-y. You know what I mean. Some other examples include dryer sheets, wood smoke, cigarette smoke (my big sister used to smoke a long long time ago, and although I never saw her do it, I still associate the scent with her), pine resin, rain, that Mahogany Woods scent from Bath and Bodyworks.

33. Do you address older people by their name or surname?

If they introduce themselves as Pam I call them Pam. If they introduce themselves as Mr. Brown I call them Mr. Brown.

34. If money was not a factor, how would you live your life?

If “money is not a factor” means I have an infinite amount of money to spend as I wish, then: buy land, build film studio complex on land, found company, hire fellow creatives, make movies.

If “money is not a factor” just means that I don’t have to work 40 hours a week to afford rent, then: move to Chicago, rent a nice studio apartment, write stories, maybe work 15 hours a week at a used bookstore or coffee shop to get me out of the house and socialize. Go to museums, go to the park, walk along Lake Michigan, go to gay bars, ride the train, brave the Illinois winters, own a cat, paint, play guitar. Build my actual career on writing / storytelling. Probably also do some filmmaking.

Alternatively: buy an RV (not like an American Trailer Park shitty RV, I’m talking the NOICE ones), buy good film equipment, be a freelancer, live in RV driving around to wherever the next filming location is. Life is a road trip and I’m doing what I love. Writing, storytelling, filmmaking. My home would travel with me. Writing in cafes; roadside attractions; early mornings on the road with coffee in the cup holder as the sun comes up; being able to go anywhere to film; always experiencing something new.

35. Do you prefer swimming in pools or the ocean?

I’ve lived in a landlocked state my whole life, so I guess swimming pools. And, listen, I CANNOT get water in my mouth at the beach without wondering exactly how many kids have peed (or worse) in that water. (I know that’s a thing with pools too, but pools get cleaned.)

36. What would you do if you found £50 on the ground?

Wonder what some poor European is doing in America right now. But if it was $50, I’d probably yell “DID ANYONE DROP THIS?” and then take it if no one speaks up.

37. Have you ever seen a shooting star?

A few times, yeah.

38. What is the one thing you would want to teach your children?

Grades are not the end-all-be-all. Skip some homework assignments to spend time with friends. Skip class sometimes. I’m serious. If you make school your top priority, even over your own personal life, you will come away with good grades and a lot of regret and missed opportunities. Learning is HELLA important, and very very little of it happens inside a school building. Get a 15 hour weekend or after-school job in high school, befriend your coworkers, and have fun with it. Use your paychecks however you want. Join a school club - one that you’re actually interested in. Do stupid shit. Light your textbooks on fire after graduation or go to the 24 hour Wendy’s at 2am with your friends or kiss that person you met at summer camp or sleep on the porch because it’s too hot to sleep inside. Be smart and safe, but follow your whims. If you let yourself fall into routine, apathy will poison you.

39. If you had to have a tattoo, what would it be and where would you get it?

I already have a couple small ones, but the one I want next is a four-leaf clover. Don’t know where. Maybe my right inner wrist or maybe an ankle. Or like behind my ear. Luck has saved me so many times. (See above, with how I happened to be living with family when COVID hit.)

40. What can you hear now?

Swamp cooler downstairs, the clock ticking in my office, cars outside, people moving around the house. I’m surprised the neighbor kids aren’t shrieking their absolute heads off as per the usual.

41. Where do you feel the safest?

When I’m alone and unobserved.

42. What is the one thing you want to overcome/conquer?

TMI warning, but I absolutely despise public bathrooms. How am I expected to pee when there’s somebody sitting like three (3) feet away, with only a partial wall between us, hearing everything that’s going on? My fight or flight response simply will not allow it. It’s too awkward and therefore Not Safe. Either that public restroom has to be empty except for me, or it has to be so loud and bustling that ain’t nobody hearing anything. Anything in-between and I’m in hell.

43. If you could travel back to any era, what would it be?

The ‘80s. Let’s be honest, even that far back makes my life (as a woman, and as a gay person) hella difficult. But, consider this: it’s the ‘80s. Furthermore, consider this: a part-time job might have actually supported me and paid rent back then 😱 Holy fucking shit. Sign me up. I just wouldn’t want to go any further than than like 1980, because again: lesbian. Being a woman in the past = even harder than it is today, being gay in the past = even harder than it is today, being a gay woman in the past = oh no.

44. What is your most used emoji?

In order of descending frequency:

😂🙄😊😁🤦🏼‍♀️👀😬🌈🤷🏼‍♀️😙

45. Describe yourself using one word.

Creative

46. What do you regret the most?

Wasting my entire teenage experience. (See #38.) I did quite literally nothing with my life except homework for like 18 years. If I had taken even a tenth as much time for myself as I did for school, I would be so much farther along as a person today.

47. Last movie you saw?

In the theaters? ........ uh. Shit, I don’t actually remember. It’s been like 5 months. (As it has for everyone.) But the last movie I watched was Lights Out, because I’ve been watching the director’s youtube channel. You could tell it was low-budget and that the director was still kind of finding his stride, but it had a lot of heart behind it and the creators clearly gave a fuck, which made it enjoyable. I am firmly in the camp of “not everything has to be a Magnum Opus or have a multi-billion dollar budget to be a good movie.” If I engaged with it and got some sort of emotional experience out of it, and if it had a good message, I consider it a good movie.

48. Last tv show you watched?

I don’t usually watch a whole lot of TV shows (who has the time?) but I think the last thing I watched was either The Witcher or that new Unsolved Mysteries miniseries on Netflix. Oh and I was watching Dead to Me because I just love Linda Cardellini’s face and I want to wrap Judy up in a blanket and cuddle the shit out of her and protect her from all things 🥺 My precious beautiful unstable sweet murder baby.

49. Invent a word and it’s meaning.

Apapanic. It’s where you’re so stressed about things that half of your brain is panicking but the other half is so overwhelmed that it circled all the way back around to being calm to the point of apathy, so you just kind of sit there like

#about me #tag game #except as usual i'm not gonna tag people because I don't have to social energy to ask people to do things #sorry i know that's kind of cheating #if you wanna overshare just say I tagged you lol #personal #tmi

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nomadicbeard · 5 years

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Hi! I saw on one of your posts you said that you used to be a stucky shipper. I actually started off as a stony shipper but then absolutely fell in love with stucky but I like both . I was just wondering what made you "jump ship" on stucky lol. Sorry if this comes across as annoying or anything im just curious!

Hey! As you can see a couple of people have asked me this over the last couple of weeks and I’m really lazy and haven’t got around to responding yet, but the people deserve an answer so here we go. Before we start a quick disclaimer: I’ll only be talking about the ships themselves, not the communities or any of the discourse surrounding them. This is not a ship-bashing of any kind and please do not take it as such, it’s just my own personal experience surrounding these characters and these relationships.

Buckle your seatbelts kids, this is a long one.

I first got into Marvel c. 2015. I’m European so I’d never really watched any marvel movies before that, I watched Age of Ultron on a plane and remember being vaguely aware the Steve/Tony was a thing (what is pretty interesting is that to this day I have no clue where that knowledge came from) but was mostly just excited by the superhero stuff. I then got home and watched The Winter Soldier and fell in love. I love the Winter Soldier, it’s probably still one of my favourite marvel movies (it got kicked out of its top spot by Black Panther last year unfortunately) and to me no other marvel movie could hold a torch to it at the time. So I came onto tumblr, searched up The Winter Soldier and was just inundated with Stucky stuff, as expected. I rolled with it, got invested just from constant exposure (it was also around the height of the Stucky ship) and as far as I was concerned, that was that. I was super into Stucky for almost six months and was pretty much your average shipper, I didn’t understand stevetony, loved Steve Rogers, was close to creating a Stucky sideblog wit some ridiculous pun as my username, I was gone over this ship.

Then one day, I sat down and read the man on the bridge by boopboop on ao3. You’ve almost definitely heard of it, but it was the most popular fic in the Steve/Bucky tag on ao3 at the time (for some reason I had just never got around to reading it until then, it was long and I didn’t have the stamina I have now). It was your pretty standard Stucky fic, Steve gets Bucky back, they have to deal with his trauma which results in Steve and Bucky declaring their long lost love for each other etc. etc. What was different about this fic, was that it was all told from Tony’s point of view, and since Steve and Tony were on the same team at that point, their dynamic was a huge part of the fic. And I found myself falling completely in love with Steve and Tony’s dynamic. I went back to the fic for this post (and god it is a good fic) and pulled up the first couple of chapters and instantly just found so many instances of that dynamic

(grade A stevetony arguing over each other’s safety with a side of flirting from Tony)

(Idk why but the image of Steve and Tony not going to sleep, but rather staying up and brewing coffee together was such a vivid one when I first read this fic, I still remember it to this day. )

(Tony picking Steve flowers while trying to desperately play off that he didn’t aka. Tony caring while trying desperately not to care)

(Everyone knowing that Steve would definitely come to Tony, apart from Tony himself.)

Now obviously, this is a stucky fic and I went into it knowing this, but I found when Steve and Bucky finally got together I felt honestly a bit bored, a bit cheated. I had no idea why at the time. I remember very clearly x-ing out of the fic at the end and feeling really uneasy, I came onto tumblr, went straight back into the Stucky tag and all was well.

When I next went back onto ao3, I started out with a couple of oneshots in the Stucky tag, but for some reason it wasn’t working for me anymore. I remember sitting there, a little bored, not at all invested in this relationship and just missing something. I figured I was probably missing Tony’s presence in the fic and so filtered in Tony Stark’s character tag. I read a few of those and all was well but I realised the same thing was happening as had happened in man on the bridge, the moment that Steve and Bucky got together, the fic lost something for me. Desperate at this point, and a little annoyed at myself I conducted an experiment and went into the Steve/Tony tag on Ao3 and as they say, the rest is history. If you go onto older posts on my main blog there’s a pretty drastic, almost overnight shift c. January 2016. I have to admit, I expected Civil War to be a conversion so I enjoyed stevetony without consequence for five months, while still labelling myself as a Stucky shipper because I expected to be pulled back to Stucky after civil war, the reality was that somehow I came out of civil war shipping stevetony harder than ever before. From there, I spent two years reading my way through the stevetony tag on ao3 and finally set up this blog in 2018, with a really obscure reference as my username and it’s been stevetony til I die ever since.

I just couldn’t read Stucky anymore. That’s what I mean when I say on this blog that stevetony has ruined me for every other ship, because it has. Steve and Tony’s firecracker dynamic pulled me away from what was fast on its way to becoming my favourite ship in 2015, all because they had a bit of banter on the side in a fic. It’s kind of depressing really, the sort of hold that Steve and Tony’s dynamic has over me,

It’s strange you say you fell in love with Stucky, I fell absolutely out of love with it. I have thought a lot about how I ended up falling into stevetony and why I was so drawn to them instead of Stucky in the first place and I think it all comes down the the story itself. To me, Steve and Bucky’s relationship carries much more weight as a friendship, I still have no doubt that Bucky is one of if not the most important person in Steve’s life, but having that be a lifelong friendship is way more powerful and impactful to me, (especially since what I know I misconstrued to be Steve’s obsession with Bucky is actually Steve’s obsession over the past. I’m not saying Bucky isn’t dear to Steve and he does want to obviously rescue him, but looking back on it there’s more to Steve’s obsession with Bucky than just love, it’s a fear of change and it’s him desperately trying to hold onto a past that’s gone.)

Conversely, I feel like adding a romantic element to Steve and Tony’s relationship enriches the story being told, if you look at something like civil war (either MCU or 616 tbh) in the context of Tony being desperately in love with Steve, it makes a lot more sense, especially with things like The Confession in 616 or the stuff brought up in that strange conversation in the conference room in the MCU. There’s lines from Steve like “I’m home/you gave me a home” or even straight up “he loved you” and his tormented behaviour throughout infinity war and endgame that just really makes you wonder, not to mention lines from others like “you two still gazing into each other’s eyes/sounds like both of you got into bed with the wrong people” and they did have to share a bed at Clint’s farm after all lol. The tragedy of their story is heightened if you look at it through the context of them being absolutely in love with each other, just never having actually got around to telling it to each other’s faces. This tragedy is heavily implied in The Oath/The Confession in 616 when they confess their deepest darkest secrets to the other’s comatose/dead bodies, and apparently it’s always been that they love the other person. Actually you could easily introduce a romantic element by making relatively few changes to the MCU, but that’s a post for another time (I have a long and comprehensive list in my notes app on how little you actually need to change to make that happen, it’s literally the matter of a few lines of dialogue and one major story change at the end of IM3, an interesting thought exercise to say the least).

Finally, there’s a quote that came up on my dash the day I made that fateful venture into the ao3 stevetony tag, “your soulmate isn’t someone who comes peacefully into your life. It is someone who makes you question things, changed your reality, somebody that marks a before and after in your life. It is not the human being everyone idealized, but an ordinary person, who managed to revolutionize your world in a second” to this day, it resonates so strongly with me about stevetony. It’s everything I love about this ship just compressed into a quote.

So yeah it was basically a bunch of happy coincidences, but thank god it happened. As a writer, stevetony has taught me so much about character and dynamic, stuff that is honestly invaluable. When you have long fics that basically detail the day by day life of Steve and Tony post-civil war in rural Italy and consists of them sleeping, crying and working through their repressed feelings (looking at you @silkspectred ), it is the characters and their unique dynamic that drive the entirety of the story. Steve and Tony, in the hands of a compelling writer, can keep me hooked over a frankly embarrassing number of words. I still have a bit of a special place for Stucky in my heart really, it did start me out in marvel after all and it was one of my first ever ships, but your first love is only so good until you meet your true love, not to get all sappy but stevetony has completely destroyed my ability to ship anything else. I might get a bit flirtatious with some other ships, like sambucky (I still love Bucky, and I love Sam!), or the riverdale ships (beronica and jarchie or bust), or even the game of thrones crack ships (daensa til the day we die), but I’ll always come back to stevetony.

So yeah this escalated into a far longer post than I intended to make but I’ve never really spelled out on this blog how or why I ended up jumping Stucky to Stony when I know it’s usually the other way around. I guess it just comes down to stevetony catching me out when I least expected it, and never having let go of me since.

#and WORD #jesus this is a long post #stony #stony meta #stevetony #what i should be doing: maths. what i'm actually doing: crying about stevetony. it's an average day #ask #answered #anon #idk whether to tag it as stucky or anti stucky tbh #i'm going with neither and pray i don't get shouted at #steve rogers #tony stark #superhusbands #long post

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ruffboijuliaburnsides · 4 years

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Know You Uncomfortably Well: 5, 8, 9, 12, 23, 24, 28, 33, 35, 38, 46, 50, 67, 86, 87 (you /did/ ask for it, my friend :p)

haha I did indeed, and you are ridiculous. *cracks knuckles* HERE WE GO!

5. What is your favorite color?

Purple! Specifically purples along this sort of palatte:

8. Where are you from?

Arizona, originally! But upstate new york is legitimately where my heart lies and where Birdie and I ultimately plan to return to one day.

9. How tall are you?

5′4.75″ ...It’s actually closer to 5′4.5″ but well it all comes out about 164cm in the end.

12. What was your last dream about?

So I don’t tend to remember my dreams very well, but they always tend to be very cinematic and don’t always even involve me, though some of them do. Always there’s a plot, even if I can’t remember what the plot is.

The last one I still have some vague memory of I was living in some sort of fascist sort of 1984-ish state, but all slick and 2000s modern and stuff. And I was in a resistance with Penn & Teller for some reason? And somehow they were still celebrities? It was bizarre.

23. Have you ever met any celebrities?

I have! I think there’s only two that weren’t like. Popular Christian Musicians From The Late 90s/Early Aughts, and those were Alice Cooper (who was very nice and thought the story I told him about how when my mom was in college he performed near her and she hopped the fence at the tiny local airport his private plane had landed in and stuck her gum to the bottom of it before going to the concert was VERY funny).

And the other one I actually knew before he was a celebrity but I think it still counts? But I was kind of quasi-adopted as a little sister sort of person by Kellan Lutz’s mom? Uh, he was in the Twilight movies, I forget the guy’s name, the big jock one of the Cullens? I also babysat his younger brothers, and Kellan taught me how to play Pokemon Snap in his living room. This was when he was in high school, obviously - he was a year older than me and I thought he was super nice. I basically lived at their house for a couple years.

24. Baths or showers?

Depends on what I want/need out of it. If it’s just “I want to get clean and maybe warm”, showers every time especially if there’s not a good deep tub available. If I want to soak to help my joints/muscles hurt less or if my spoons are low for standing, then baths.

My kingdom for either a LARGE tub with a separate shower that fits a shower chair, or one of those walk-in sitting tubs with a shower attachment.

28. What type of music do you like?

ALL KINDS. Seriously, I have yet to run into a type of music that I don’t like ANYTHING from that genre, though I’m pickier about some things like heavy metal or country. But I really like kind of. Indie Rock circa the early aughts? Not even rock, just like. Indie rock/pop/folk/country/whatever that weird thing that was going on like. Norah Jones, Ingrid Michaelson, Rilo Kiley, Neko Case, Sara Bareilles... idk there’s a similar through line to a lot of them? ...Maybe it’s just they’re all girls man idk XD But also Give Me Mountain Goats. I love The Mountain Goats.

I just like songs, generally. Fuck genre, often even fuck artist bc there are many artists who I only really listen to a couple of songs from and don’t really get into the other stuff they do.

Also filk. Seanan and Vixy & Tony and SJ Tucker and all sorts of fun fantasyish folk.

33. What do you typically have for breakfast?

I mean, often “nothing”, or “I grab some crackers or a boost shake to get me through until lunch”. I don’t actually like eating right after I’ve woken up? But sometimes I’ll have cereal or toast.

35. Have you ever tried archery?

*sobs into hands* OK so when we were living in Florida, my friend Dorian and I actually used to go to an archery class every week, and it was SO FUN. But then he got a new job and couldn’t do it anymore, and he was my ride and I tried going alone but it just wasn’t the same, but I did graduate to the intermediate class before I stopped going. I MISS IT SO FUCKING MUCH.

I’d really like to take it back up again, but I don’t have anywhere to practice or anything, so it’s difficult.

38. What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without sleep?

I think 72 hours, if you don’t count 10 minutes of being conscious but just *grazing* the edges of sleep and then getting woken up again before I could actually sleep.

When the insomnia passed, I slept for like 16 hours straight with two quasi-conscious points when I went to pee.

46. What is your personality type?

Like, from a test or just in general? In general I think I’m a pretty optimistic but dreamy person. Creative, not great at motivation, prefer working alone or with one trusted partner I already know to groups, like my alone time, etc. I did take a couple personality tests to answer tho!:

(from here)

50. Left or right handed?

Right handed but I keep trying occasionally to cultivate left handedness in myself. Something I’ve been trying to do since I was like 11 (I never stick at it long enough for it to work, ftr) initially because I was deeply paranoid I would get leukemia and have to get my right arm amputated (I was a weird kid) and I wanted to not have to re-learn how to write while dealing with all that, but then moving forward just ‘cause it would be cool to be able to do, especially when like, I’m trying to do an essay test and my hand is cramping up.

67. Can you name all 50 states of America?

Well, I didn’t think so and i probably couldn’t do it without a map or a list of what I’ve already named, but I took a test and got 100% sooooo...

86. What are you allergic to?

Tylenol and cantaloupe! Also possibly aspirin. None of them like LIFE THREATENING but tylenol has increased in severity of symptoms every time I’ve taken it since I was little and the last time I tried I got a REALLY itchy throat and mouth and it felt like things were swollen and making breathing not DIFFICULT but at least very mildly obstructed, so it’s probably for the best not to take it again, y’know?

87. Do you keep a journal?

I don’t. I used to, when I was in high school I had like four thick journals that had like, those fancy cloth/beaded covers and handmade paper that was really popular for a while in the early aughts? Including one that had a leather wrap cover that was entirely in tengwar and cirith from Lord of the Rings - not from a website, but my own interpretation of the charts and linguistic information provided in the Lord of the Rings appendices. So that no one could read my diary.

I’ve lost the journals and the tengwar chart I’d made but I can more or less rebuild it with the variety of options you can find online, but it’s a sort of mishmash and I definitely didn’t stick to one language’s usage of certain letters, and I developed certain shorthand quirks - some of which were used by tolkien and some of which weren’t - that would make it very difficult to transcribe that journal even if you were working off the specific variant of the tengwar alphabet that I’d been using. I don’t think even I could do it anymore tbh, if I were to find that journal. In my defense, it’s been nearly 20 years since I kept it, so. XD

GET TO KNOW ME UNCOMFORTABLY WELL

#askbox meme #holy shit dude SO MANY QUESTIONS #the library alcove #audience with the gods

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backseatsiren · 4 years

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My First Shift in the New Normal of the Pandemic

Last night, I did a full shift on my ambulance for the first time since the pandemic was in full effect. The last time I went out was early March, when things had just started to get pretty scary - I had a patient then with a bad cough - and we were relieved when we got to the ER and we confirmed she had no fever. We had no special PPE, but also, life was still borderline “normal.” People were still going to restaurants and gyms. I was still training grappling with my teammates.

Things obviously changed pretty rapidly.

For the last month, I’d been terrified, but also itching to get out there. It’s probably dominated a few therapy sessions (therapy is great, friends, I highly recommend it): my own terror of this virus, and the stories we’re hearing of people - even, occasionally, young and healthy folks - dying. Drowning. It’s an ugly, ugly death, and I was scared. I’m still scared, honestly, but my need to get the fuck back out there was quite a bit stronger.

You see, I do this for selfish as well as selfless reasons. I genuinely want to help people and serve in my community. I want that, and I love that. It means the world to me to have the opportunity to give back a little. But it’s also a vital need that I have personally - I need to work with my hands and do tangible things.

I love my job. I’m the luckiest chick in the universe as far as I’m concerned - and hell, I just got promoted. I’m an Editor in Chief now, doing what I love!

But I do feel a disconnect on some level, in my very online job. Again, this is not a complaint - I love what I do and actually really love working from home, being here with my pets. I like making my own schedule, especially because, in normal life, I get to train in the evenings.

But I am such a little... woman of action, I guess. I love grappling and competing and getting my hands dirty, getting my body fully and completely activated and immersed in activity. I simply do not feel right, or feel like myself, without... action. Some Adrenalin. I’m not an adrenalin junkie, per se (idk, I’ve never jumped out of a plane or anything like that?), but it’s an important part of my life. It might make me a slight jock or meathead, and I don’t care. I love it and I need it.

Speaking of Need...

Frankly, the EMTs around me, in my city, in my community, have been utterly swamped in this crisis. Have been working their asses off. NYC had over 7,000 911 calls in a single day this month (the usual busy day is in the 5K range I believe). And here I am, sitting on my ass, doing my nice comfortable job. I felt like a massive, massive asshole and basically... a fraud.

I’m not a fucking EMT cosplayer. I don’t put on a uniform to take selfies, I want to go out there and help.

For a bit, it was hard to get a crew together. At first, we didn’t have enough PPE, so we didn’t send crews out. Then we got equipment, but it was hard to pin sown scheduling. This is understandable - we’re an all-volunteer organization, some ppl are underwater in all this, others have medical conditions that would mean exposure could very possibly kill them or put them in extreme risk. Tons of folks were helping in crucial ways - doing training or coordinating, seeking donations of PPE, etc. And some folks were able to go out on a special 911 service. I’m incredibly proud to be a part of this organization, where people are valued for many different types of service.

I, myself, had spent the last couple of weekends doing driver training with a really rad volunteer who couldn’t go out, but she still wanted to do her part to help. Hey, I drove on the Jackie Robinson in an ambulance for the first time last weekend! It was exciting! But eventually things aligned and I had a crew for Tuesday night. I practiced with my N95 mask and reviewed all our new PPE rules. We had a little demo of the new equipment before going out. And here’s the best part: last night, I got to guide my two other crew members through their first-ever 911 call.

That’s right, I had two (excellent), brand new crew members. That means I had to run all aspects of the call, and give instructions in a pretty wild situation. I’m thrilled and proud to say it went really well.

We turned up to a “fever, cough, difficulty breathing” - almost certainly COVID - for an elderly patient. The family were outside, and I told them we’d be right up, we just needed to suit up. So, on went our special tyvek suits, respirators, face shields and gloves. We went up, accompanied by the FDNY crew chief, who stayed outside the room, and had a very sleepy, confused, and sick patient. I let FDNY know we could take this one - and he was super thankful about it (he even said “God bless,” and i know some people don’t like that, but I think it’s very sincere and kind). We got info and prepped our patient. Based on everything going on (which I won’t go into detail on), I made the decision she should be seen by a doctor (one thing I will say - she found a family member dead, from COVID, in her house a few days before. So this family had already been through hell). She was an incredibly sweet person, and I made sure to keep telling her she was doing a really good job as we got her ready and down to the bus. She was a little scared as we carried her down the stairs, but very, very sweet and compliant as we took care of her. I may have sweated my body weight in that suit. But I will say that in a hazmat suit and shield, I felt safe and confident enough to do my job properly. That, honestly, was a godsend, and something I was pretty scared about before going out. This is a hands-on job. We lift and carry our patients, we have to touch people to care for them. This patient went to the bathroom in front of me and was confused and sleepy and feverish, and it was necessary to keep waking her (gently), and reassure her. We got her to the ER and spent a solid twenty minutes on very careful doffing (taking off the gear) and sanitation. I was deliberately slow and careful with this, since doffing is actually the part that supposedly poses the biggest exposure risk if done improperly. We bleached the crap out of our suits and shields and all surfaces, then used our UV light at base to kill everything else on the truck. I did my paperwork. It was a slow night after that. And yeah, we took our time on that call, ensuring everything was done properly and deliberately. One thing I’m really proud of on the call is my patient communication. My driver told me a couple of times that I had really good bedside manner - and I’ve heard that before. I care very deeply for my patients (yes, even the ones that could be considered annoying or troublesome, though this circumstance was far from that). It’s partially because, as a volunteer, I have plenty of time to work and give reassurance and comfort. I’m not on the clock, and I’m not an overworked, underpaid EMT (this job is brutal, EMTs should be paid frankly double what they are).

A medical emergency is terrifying for people - it’s a bad day when they call us. I like to build rapport and trust with my patients (obviously, in a case where we aren’t rushing, and really, even then I do my absolute best to be comforting and reassuring while moving fast). I think we made this person feel cared for, and she and her family seemed very grateful for the extra attention.

On that note, I am proud of myself. And I’m proud that I felt confident directing my brand new crew members. It was a relatively big job for a first call (with new, extensive PPE, lifting and moving our patient downstairs, transport, vitals and assessment in a pretty intense situation), so I feel good about that. My driver and attendant did an amazing job, stayed cool under pressure, and had a great attitude throughout.

Thank you

One thing that was positively wild was the gratitude, not just from the patient’s family, but... the people across the street from our base waving and clapping for us. The people at the grocery store/deli, thanking us and then letting us cut in line (I was so embarrassed and I probably made it worse by thanking them twenty times). People treated me differently in that uniform where... in the past, it’s more like “oh, an EMT” - and I have complex feelings on that. I don’t want to steal a single ounce of valor here - I’m not out in the shit every day, I do this a few times a month because I love it. Does it feel super, super fucking nice to be thanked for volunteer service? It sure does! But I also don’t want to take away from folks who live in this shit - so I just want to be clear on that.

I love that I get to do this, and yes, I love being thanked when I do a good job. I’ll admit that right now. But I also want to be aboveboard about it, and not take attention away from folks who are in this constantly.

Wrapping up, and dealing with fear

I had a few decontamination procedures to do at home once I got back too. Uniform off at the door, into a tied-off bag. Shower right away, lukewarm water before hot water to avoid opening my pores too much at first. Wiping down a few items, even if I didn’t use them in service, just because they were on the bus. Simple stuff.

But I felt great, mainly that I was able to get out there and help, that I was able to manage the situation well with two rookies, and able to feel confident in the PPE and decontamination procedures.

Is it entirely possible that I was still exposed, despite doing everything? Yes, absolutely. I could get sick. I could get sick just from grabbing that snack from the grocery store (of course, I sanitized my hands twice before eating, but still!) But I tried to go into this with my eyes open, both extremely careful with PPE and fully knowing the risks. And knowing how I’d feel if I didn’t go out, given that I’ve been an EMT in this city for close to four years. Knowing that my skills and experience were valuable and needed at this time. That I can actually help, even if it’s just a little. I’d like to go out again soon. I’m actually volunteering with citymeals this week as well, so hopefully I can be a bit helpful there too. Carefully, of course, so as not to risk any exposure either way! (Gloves and masks and six foot rule in place for safety). But I feel proud, I feel good, and fuck, I just feel more like myself. And I can’t wait to go out again soon.

#volunteer ems #ems #911 #emt

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spacejew · 4 years

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Doctor who spoilers, beware

Okay holy fuck that episode

also so so sorry for all the typos, not used to their keyboard and too sleepy to correct them all

Some quick comments (and then my THEORIES)

- first of all very fun episode I was SO INTRIGUED

- good ass vfx

- absolutely adore the gang and their irl consequences of doctor travels. Maybe this season they have to rethink their "easy" choice to travel with her?

- I was loving the mystery but. As soon as master reveal I'm now very worried that the explanation to these mysteries won't be as satisfying? I was so pumped for a brand new, totally original serious threat , and suddenly the master being involved kinda dampens that. You know? I hope it still ends up being super creative and cool and satisfying

- the last five minutes left me confused straight up. Where'd the Vor guy vanish to? The house ourside the plane? Did they like. Teleport? Was it like, evidence of a weird simulation type of thing? Just a little lost, I need to rewatch. (Edit: OH the house was flying, probs the Masters TARDIS then, got it)

- must reiterate, GREAT ACTING AND DIALOGUE, I love team TARDIS holy fuckkk my babes. Ready for some juicy juicy conflict.

Okay theory time bitches

- they are Inside the Masters TARDIS!! Too many references to our beloved TARDIS being insanely gigantic on the inside. Karaoke buses? Water slides? Rainforest?? Chibs is hitting the audience over the head with "the TARDIS contains multitudes". It would make sense as a reminder or foreshadowing that either the whole episode or some portion like the evil dimension being actually inside the Masters TARDIS, all part of a simulation of some sort. Hence weird happenings, and a dampened sonic, and things breaking into thirteens TARDIS. "Everything is a lie", so everything may or can be fake and simulated by the Masters TARDIS

- alternate universes, an obvious one based on that alien code decyohefing projection bit. Like, duh, multiple Earths means multiple Earths, doc.

- the master is either: from an alternate universe himself, or at least a master before Gomez . I loved Missy and her character development was a real emotional journey for me. I would hate it to be neglected or retconned. An earlier master would be interesting, and respect Missy's death.

- the Light Aliens exist in some kind of computery way. All that talk about Vor and data and technology? They say they blipped around those windows like lights on a server or visual code computations? That evil dimension Yaz was in being full of stuff that could either be DNA strands or Data cores or like giant neural pathways? With the light aliens manifesting as electrical pulses running through them? Very evocative of brains/computers. Either they're projections of code, or exist as energy and have a computer hivemind going on, I think it's their big "thing". Also lends well to the simulation bit.

- obviously parallels to The Army of Ghosts, Cybermen, alt universes, etc. But personally, really hoping it's completely unrelated aka definitely not Cybermen. Even though the shaped do fit? But A. Don't act like Cybermen B. Their head shapes are also reminiscent of that Raknos looking aliens from the trailer. So hey. Maybe it's those?

- when Yaz came back from the evil dimension, she was like downloaded to their computer thing, and when she was re-uploaded to our reality, she may be augmented with extra "code" -- just like The Vor ceo guy, she may not be 100% human. 7% not human can mean there's not totally rewritten dna, but just extra dna, from the aliens, full of code. Like a sleep agent almost?? As SPY?????? HMMMMM????? trust nobody!!!! Yaz could be a sleeper agent or unwitting spy with extra alien stuff in her now, is what I'm saying.

- going off of that, that's what happened to all the dead spies - the aliens were experimenting with getting their own spies onto earth via human spies, but they accidentally rewrote too much of their dna, totally killing them. They've perfected it now?

- aliens are obvs from a diff dimension entirely. Lie the Boneless were! I hope maybe they're relayed? Would be sick as hell I loved that episode

- here's a fuckin Longshot! Last seasons thirteen mentioned scary stories she was told as a child. Referring to the Frog Universe, what was it called? The Anti-verse or some shit? Y'all know what I mean. What matters is that my fav Chibnall episode, The Power of Three, set up another "scary story told to gallifreyan children" that the doctor couldn't believe was real, and seemed to be coming from like another dimension? The Tally!!! It was never followed up on even though I thought it was an amazing setup, so maybe The Tally is involved somehow. Or, god willing, they'll come back later this season in an unrelated plot.

- trust nobody! Everything you know is a lie, says the master. Maybe Yaz was replaced entirely? Who else is a fake? Alternate universes? So many ways things could be totally faked. No concrete theory here but, I'm going into the next episode literally not trusting shit. All a simulation? Simulated time travel? Who knows.

- Masters TARDIS is one of the cool sets we saw in the trailer that was tardis-like

- Vor ceo guy is actually a good person trying his damn best to help stop the aliens and assist the doctor, but cannot let anyone know he's actually helping. So he just lets them get away with snooping, investigating, but really needs to keep his distance. Also he probs thinks he's helping with some technology trade with the aliens? Y'know, in a capitalist way lol.

- oh yeah duh, the aliens could all literally be made up by the master as part of a totally unrelated plot to take over earth, as he does. Killing spies is just part of the misdirection and to draw in the doctor. I'd be a little bummed by this tho

----

Im honestly nervous it may be a let down, but, I'm really hoping everything that was set up this episode was important and relevant and will pay off with a really cool villain, new concepts to play with, and the master being a real good threat and an enjoyable version of himself. (I'm not sold and I'm a little sad after seeing him play it so.. cringey? It's like a Simm impersonation but a little hokey idk. But we only had five minutes of him so I'm excited to see how it goes!!! Maybe I'm legit just salty that it's not Missy or a lady or something. I'll give him a chance!!! I'm hoping for the best. I WAS legit totally surprised, even tho I knew something had to be off about O... Good reveal!)

Hopefully I get time off work this weekend to see Part 2 in theaters and have a grand ol time. Legit very pleased and hooked by this premiere. So fun

#doctor who #dw spoilers #series 12 #spyfall

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casual-eumetazoa · 4 years

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mmmmmmmmmmmkay... gotta say Words about the episode, I guess

things I liked:

the show looks good, I’ll give them that - visually/aesthetically very pleasing, the music is amazing (I still miss Gold but I am starting to like this new guy a lot), everything seems modern, expensive, high quality

the theme music is wonderful and the title sequence slaps; love that shit! feels classic and brand new at the same time, and very Doctor Who; probably my favorite title sequence combo of the entire new run

the TARDIS design is gorgeous, like I cannot stress enough how much I love it; again, probably my favorite of the entire new run, and definitely top three of all that were ever made; it feels like a hybrid between Tenth’s TARDIS and Eighth’s TARDIS - bold, creative, beautiful design; on a related note, loved that “fixing the TARDIS” bit; I hope the fam will spend more time inside the TARDIS this season

the actors are giving their best; I feel like C was a huge waste of Stephen Fry, but perhaps it was a deliberate decision (because maybe Mr Fry wanted a cameo but did not have time for more scenes);

Whittaker is good - idk if that was a move on her part or the writers/directors decision, but her Doctor feels calmer, more natural now; she is still quirky and mysterious and herself, but she feels more like a person, you know, and not a bunch of facial expressions and voice inflections thrown together

the companions are good too - Yaz is finally getting attention, and God, Graham and Ryan are like my favorite thing now! their dynamic is just a pleasure to watch; you can make a ‘comedic duo’ compilation just out of this episode alone

the new monsters are definitely my cup of tea; strange, spooky, not full on horror movie scary but still threatening... *chef’s kiss* I loved the twist of them getting through the TARDIS door - that has never happened before, I like that; I like how the Doctor quietly freaks out about it as well, cause she hates not knowing something and hates not being in charge; that scene where she keeps asking the creature and when it finally replies it is just mocking her? good shit right there; wanna see more of these guys for sure

and after some reflection, if you take it in isolation, I do love the final airplane scene; like if I just look at it as a piece of TV/storytelling, I think it is a really good scene; it’s loud, it’s chaotic, yes it is kind of all over the place but it is engaging, and the reveal was out of nowhere and predictable at the same time but I still enjoyed it; and yes it is a stupid cliffhanger but like... it’s Doctor Who! it has always had stupid cliffhangers and I for one respect that decision

things I didn’t like:

oh God... the writing; like I am sorry, okay, but that writing is bad; and it is so confusing to me cause the story overall was good in my opinion - the pace was okay, the events made sense, it has an actual plot, etc - but the writing is still bad? I think the dialogue is the worst by far, but the way the scenes were stitched together is really awkward as well; it feels like it has been written by a talented but severely inexperienced writer who understands more or less how a story is supposed to work but has no idea how to edit

specifically what annoys me is that the dialogue and, to a lesser degree, the sequence of events feels very superficial and forced; it’s not elegant, and it’s not surprising, and it doesn’t feel natural at all; the actors are giving their best but how the hell can you have a good delivery of those lines???

I wanna rewatch it already to give particular examples but the two things that come to mind are C explaining the whole deal with the aliens (telling instead of showing anyone? especially after you’ve already shown it???) and the interview with Lenny Henry’s character (again, telling instead of showing much?); and idk, the dialogue in general is just... eh, it annoys me that I can’t quite put my finger on why it is so bad - but it is so bad, that initially that thing alone made me dislike the episode

and this is double annoying because I know that Chibnall is a good writer and can write excellent dialogue and put scenes together with no problem, and also because, traditionally, Doctor Who has always had great script editors that should have fixed this; like how do you give a dedication to Terrance Dicks and not fix these awkward fucking lines?? I am confusion

things I am unsure about:

the whole spy thing; initially was very excited about it, because I thought we would get a very Third Doctor era thing, but no, that was just a straight up James Bond knock-off; like, don’t get me wrong, Thirteen in a suit gives me life too - but they could, idk, Doctor-fy the whole thing a little bit? throw in some gaffs and alien words and the Doctor going “oh I was a spy so many times”; instead it felt kinda, idk, not integrated enough; like it made sense for the story, but not for the show overall

also I think that the episode had too much action; that car malfunction at the beginning? entirely unnecessary, could have replaced it with a conversation (Thirteen trying to get info out of the driver for example) and get better results; the motorbike chase? looks very cool, also unnecessary and could have been cut to twenty seconds easily; like, come on, this is Doctor Who! I want good dialogue, not Marvel-level action scenes

and now the most controversial thing... the Master; ufff, I have very complex thoughts about this

I’m not gonna lie, I do like that they are back; I think it was too early to bring them back, and it feels like a solely “for the views” decision with little to no creative thought put into it, but damn I love the character; the actor is great too - that being in disguise with no physical disguise bit? love it! like, in retrospect I can see how much he (the Master) must have enjoyed playing the sweet innocent bloke; and that switch in the final scene... that’s some good acting right there

I am kinda conflicted about his style in general, like I would have preferred for him to lean more on the Delgado side of things - more gravitas, calmness, but still with strong chaotic dumbass energy - but I do understand that the Master has to mirror and contrast the Doctor simultaneously, and this sort of more Simm-like delivery (more in the direction of bananas) works better for Thirteen, especially now that she is less awkward and more calm and collected; I like the homage to classics as well, like that tissue compressor thing, that was really good; and yeah the Master is hot again... nice

also the whole “the Doctor is still being secretive about her past” thing is really working for me - I’d love to see the Master slowly destroying whatever image she has built for herself and thus creating enough conflict between her and the fam to go on for the entire season

but having said all that, if we come back to the decision to bring them back... is Chibnall sure about that? because from what we have seen so far, it feels like we have cancelled out everything that Moffat has done with Missy; we’ve had such an amazing character arc with her in Capaldi’s era and now it’s all gone? now we’re back to blowing up planes and killing the Doctor? why?

I am still holding on to hope that this is an earlier, pre-War incarnation of the Master that somehow slipped in to this timestream, but that seems unlikely; another way I could digest that was if the Master has lost their memory and doesn’t remember being Missy, which would make for a nice eventual reveal of the memories coming back to them and him being like “oh shit” - but if Missy’s entire character arc has been retconned, I am definitely not a fan

also, overall, I feel like Chibnall retconned one thing about the Capaldi era that I really loved - he brought Doctor Who from a proper serious drama (as one part of the show, obviously) to all cheesy, goofy, silly sci-fi nonsense; and like, has Doctor Who been cheesy in the past? definitely, and for most of its history, and I won’t complain about that; but this? this feels too cheesy, especially in contrast with Capaldi’s era; like please, Chibbers, can we please see some drama? if you’re going for the whole quality TV show feel, can we also get proper good dialogue and heightened emotion and higher stakes? cause I think you can overdose on ridiculous in Doctor Who

summary:

honestly if the writing - especially the dialogue - was actually good, this would have been a very good episode, an 9 out of 10 at least; but as it stands, those lines are spoiling it a bit too much for me, so I’ll give it a solid 6 out of 10

I know it is a part one of a two-parter so I won’t make any solid and final judgments yet, especially about the Master and the feel of the series overall; all I can say is that, again, if you ignore the dialogue (which I hope is a random fluke and will go away), this sets a benchmark for series 12 higher than series 11; so I am cautiously optimistic about it, and actually excited to see the next episode, but God do I have high standards now, having consumed a lot of Doctor Who media...

and now that I’ve said approximately 563 highly controversial things, feel free to rip me to shreds I guess - or agree with me, who knows

#doctor who #dw s12 #dw spoilers #spyfall #paradox nerd post #text post

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moldy-mold · 5 years

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Diary Post: My Thoughts and Processes on Making “Silent Strength” It’s lengthy, taking place over long period of time. Mainly written for my future-self to remember what I went through, but also for anyone who is curious. Now that the project is over, I can post without reservations. There are certain things I need to keep secret though, so if I’m vague I do so intentionally!

Basically, a lot of number-crunching, physical labor, and psychological labor.

It started off as kind of a joke tweet I made. I had enough content to make a Tales Of art book and people were receptive to it. So… I thought maybe I could go somewhere with this. A few weeks later, I suddenly had a lot of Kratos art. Like. 80% of all my Tales art was Kratos. It didn’t make sense to make a broad Tales Of book when really most of it was Kratos.

I hadn’t made a book since I was in college despite it being one of my favorite things to do. They were never art books, just some editorial design projects that totally didn’t count. This book… would be my first-ever art book.

Several times, I came close to having enough art to print a book - the last time was my large collection of Yusuke Kitagawa, but the quality wasn’t where I wanted. At that time, I was still experimenting with my iPad Pro and figuring out Procreate, so that was what I used him for.

NGL, I was pretty afraid of looking like a clown. After doing all this work, what if no one actually buys it? I was talking to some friends and they said they would buy it. It was enough for me. In the end, I’m creating something that I love. - The first thing I really wanted to work on was the cover. It needed to be epic but also mysterious (lol)… It was a good time to practice lighting and backgrounds. The cover had to be freaking Fantastic. I spent 3 days drawing nonstop. I was on vacation so I could spend full days just drawing. It was really intense. I would stop in the evenings to go for a run or else my legs would never get circulation again.

The hardest part was keeping it secret. I wanted to share it with the world right away bc I was so proud of it. Well, all I could do was show it to my parents and some close friends. They didn’t know who Kratos is, but it was obvious I was crazy about him.

Initially, I was doing some hand-lettering for the zine title instead of using a typeface. Tbh, I was so sure I was naming this zine “Blame Your Fate!” bc that is such an iconic line. But it just didn’t work with my cover, which looked… a little too serene for that. So… Silent Strength or Divine Strength? I asked around and got my answer.

But what size? All of my art has been on letter canvases. I wanted it to be large so you could see the details in the art. I’ll just start with that. - Luckily, I had all my Kratos-related art in one place. I started my InDesign file and threw everything in there just to see what it looked like. Man, I draw a lot of boxes… But I didn’t want them all next to each other. I also wanted to kinda organize it by the people Kratos hangs out with. There’s a Yuan section LOL… and a Lloyd section… and an Anna section. Idk, I tried to get some kind of order in there with a sprinkling of full spreads here and there to keep it fresh and interesting for the eyes.

I hadn’t worked with InDesign on such an intense level since college. I forgot all of the tips and tricks we learned in class. Spent some time reading on how to do things again… like adding page numbers. - I started drafting my pre-order form. It’s my first time making a google form like this. It’s kind of fun? I spent a long time on it, despite how simple it was. This was going to be my “Store” so it had to look and sound good. - My friend introduced me to charm-making. It seemed easy enough, and I wanted to give my zine more oomph. Besides, I’ve always wanted to make a charm.

I remember someone saying they’d buy a book of just the 4 Seraphim if it existed. I like them too and they lack art imo. In the end, I decided to do a polaroid charm. It’s not really that unique but I wanted Kratos to have actual friends to hang out with for once LOL.

She was going to do a group order to try to reduce the costs. I thought maybe 4 weeks would give me enough time. In the end she said I only have 2. I work well under pressure, so needless to say, I did make that deadline. I actually sketched the whole thing on the plane headed home. - After playing the game the second time, watching the OVA again, and reading “Offerings to a Star,” I have gained a real soft spot for Yuan. My friend once said, “If you weren’t stolen away by Kratos, you would be in love with Yuan.” Lol. I’ve been in a “Kratos and Yuan hanging out” mood lately, so of course I needed something good for the zine. They’re so cute together! Now… what is the bro-est thing I can draw?

I was currently in Florida for my friend’s wedding. I was friends with the groom and his best man since high school, so that makes it 10 years now. Seeing how they’re still friends after all this time, despite living in opposite sides of the country, was really moving to me. Of course, me being me, I could see Kratos and Yuan’s long friendship being similar to this, if they had gone to school together. I just had to draw it. - When I got back from vacation, I did some research on zine sizes. Mine was HUGE compared to others. I just didn’t quite realize it until I held a magazine in my hands. It really is huge…

I settled for a medium size. 7x9. I really liked how it looked. Petite but not too petite. Unfortunately resizing my book had messed up my artwork placement so I spent hours rearranging all the text and resizing my images. I found out afterwards that there’s a way to retain the format while changing the document size. Gee, that would have been helpful 4 hours ago.

Sadly, choosing a custom size booklet makes printing more expensive. But I wanted it badly enough that I’d be willing to pay for it. Letter size is just too large… - I decided to stop dragging my feet and post a promo. I just really needed a deadline for myself to get this all done before July ended. I’m happy it was well-received. A lot of people like Kratos huh…

Anyway, the pre-order is due in a week and I still don’t know what all the costs are yet. I need a physical proof ASAP to weigh at the post office! - Something possessed me one day to do another drawing. I don’t usually do painterly style (mainly because it’s really difficult and takes 10x longer) but I just REALLY wanted to push myself on this Final Piece to the zine. I wanted it to be… radiant. Almost religious. I worked on it obsessively. From breakfast to sundown. The only time I would stop was at 7pm to go running or else my legs would give out on me.

Call me crazy, but I would save my progress on my phone so I could examine it for errors during my warmup. I also spend an hour examining it for errors before going to bed. It’s a miracle I hadn’t dreamt of the painting. - I sent my files in on Sunday in hopes that they start working on it first thing on Monday…. and it HAPPENED! They finished before I even woke up. I think they start work at like 6am…

Of course, I drove over there as soon as I heard so I can get a look. “Please… please let the colors be okay,” I prayed as I was driving. I barely remember driving there, I was so lost in thought. It would be another long ordeal if I had to fix all the colors.

Thank the stars. The press proof looked BEAUTIFUL!! I was screaming to the client coordinator how much I loved it. I mean, I worried for a looooong time that everything would turn out too dark (it usually does) but it was PERFECT. I was especially worried about the cover, which contained a lot of yellow and I def did not want it to come out mustardy… But it was great in the end!

The press operator is a quiet man. He’s got a scary face and never smiles but I think he’s secretly nice. He has done a lot of favors for me in the past without my asking. He was the one to print, bind, and trim the book for me. Obviously he had to have seen what I was drawing. I wonder what he thought of it…? He walked away before I could express how happy and thankful was. He didn’t need to hear it. It was like he already knew. So cool…

I immediately took it to the post office to weigh it. I needed as much info as I could get and plus, I was dying to know for myself. This is the week I was supposed to open pre-orders and there was still a lot I needed to do. Take pictures, create mockups, pricing, etc.

NGL, all of these costs were building up fast. It was so darn expensive to make a zine while also keeping prices down. But I wanted so much more for my baby. Extra glossy cover, perfect binding!! I knew by the end of this, I probably wouldn’t make much money. It hurt a little, but I tried to think that it was for the greater good. Learning experience and all that. And creating something beautiful. Especially something beautiful of Kratos. - Pricing was really the hardest part. I pretty much threw profit out the window. However, I definitely did not want to be losing money. My dad and I had worked together to create a spreadsheet of expenses to make sure my head was above water. I followed it… loosely.

My friend came to talk to me at the right moment. I was sort of panicking at the prices. She made me realize I was thinking way too hard about it and gave me some tips based on her own experience. It really put my mind at ease talking to someone who understands my woes.

The truth of the matter is, the book is wonderfully made and has a lot of pages - countless hours of drawing. There is only so much I can do about pricing. It is what it is… I just needed to come to terms with my own worth. - Boy, what am I going to do once the zine is done? My friend says that I’ll be so over Kratos that I’ll stop drawing him (but the love remains). It’s like… all of the intense planning, working, struggling nonstop will just suddenly… stop. TBH, I’m running out of ideas. I spent it all on the zine. - Photoshoot today. I had to paint my nails purple for this occasion. Unfortunately, I couldn’t get the look I wanted in the apartment. It’s just so naked without props. I think I’ll take it to a cafe for some nicer backgrounds. I talked it over with my friend and decided to do a quick flip-through of the zine as a promotional video. I used the most professional video program I had on hand… Snapchat. It actually turned out pretty legit and of course I slapped stickers on there because it’s Snapchat.

I had to tape/hide some of the pages for the video because I wasn’t actually done with the drawings. I had the printers print it anyway so I could examine it for color accuracy.

I’m really stressed about pricing now. It turns out I had a lot more international fans than I anticipated. I wish I took notes on interest earlier in the game to cater to them. I had a list of “possible buyers” and I only just now decided to check where they live? Foolish.

I did another cost analysis on paper to figure out what my goal was to make up for the charms. Right now they’ve cost me a fortune for something that was supposed to be giveaway. Other things that rack up are packaging costs, PayPal fees, and some other supplies I needed for this project.

Maybe I shouldn’t have made it 40 pages. It is an impressive number, but no one is really paying for quantity. I think 25 is a better number lol. If I had done that, I could have had my super-gloss cover like I wanted. :’(

There is hope though. And I’ve placed it in the hands of my followers to come through for me. I think I’ll open pre-orders on Saturday or Sunday, depending on what I finish. - “Losing your cool will only lead to poor decisions.”  Thanks, Kratos twitter bot. You always know what to say.

I read this post today on what makes people buy zines. Very interesting!  https://twitter.com/andythelemon_/status/1141469048653398019 - Photoshoot part 2 today. My friend and I went to a cafe nearby that had some nice atmosphere in hopes of finding the right shots. I brought all of my Kratos merch just in case. I’m glad I did though, since the tables were pretty sparse and it was difficult to capture the backgrounds without getting a bunch of random people in it too.

I would have been the photographer, but I definitely wanted my hands in the shots. In a way, it was meaningful - to show that this was made by my own two hands. Plus, I wanted to depict natural interaction with the product. It made it feel real.

The photos were cute! I feared it would look a little amateurish with all the merch in there, but I think fun was what I was really going for, not “professional.” And plus the flip-through was a Snap anyway LOL. As long as the photos have good lighting and tasteful composition, you really can’t go wrong with “fun.”

Now that I’ve finished editing my photos, there really isn’t anything holding me back from opening pre-orders. I’ve pretty much come to terms with my pricing. If I fail to break even, I’ll just have to open commissions to try to make up for it. I was telling my friend on the way home, “I gave this zine EVERYTHING I had to give. So at the very least, I won’t be disappointed in myself.” No stone left unturned, no detail left unchecked. It was perfect according to my standards. I really love my zine okay?!

I thought I was crazy for not only choosing a small fandom, I narrowed it down even further by picking ONE GUY to make this zine about. She replied, “Even if it’s small, those people who love him now must be EXTREMELY LOYAL to still be in love with a character from a 15-year-old game. All of them will want your zine.” - I went to bed that night with the intention of making the pre-order post live in the morning. I was so nervous I couldn’t sleep. I was wide awake until at least 5 or 6 am. Luckily, I was able to doze off for a an hour or two before I would shake myself awake again. It was a mixture of anxiety and excitement. It was the moment of truth - to see if all my effort made a difference. Was it going to sell? - The pre-order post looked really freaking good. I’ll give it that. I even made a YT account just to post that darn preview video on tumblr lol. It was definitely fun seeing everyone’s excitement and we all just freaked out together.

I broke even! That’s what really matters. Honestly at this point, I couldn’t care less if I made profit or not. I now know how much people really like the zine and that alone made me so happy I could die.

I was particularly fascinated at Google Form’s ability to transfer all the data collected into a spreadsheet. That is extremely helpful. I spent hours organizing the data. It was really fun…?! Now I can tell who gets invoiced and who paid and separate them into categories. IT’S FANTASTIC!

Stayed up late researching how much adding tracking could be. I had a slight panic attack thinking “what if my books got lost in transit?” It would really hurt me to have to reprint books and ship them again. And then I realized I will need to fill out customs forms for all international orders. Yikes, I’m gonna be living at the post office lol. You can print them out at home if you fill out the form online but there are still some things I’m uncertain about. I may visit the post office later this week to ask all my questions. - This morning I sent out everyone’s invoices. I gave the international people the option to purchase tracking. It’s expensive… but I need to provide that option just in case.

I received a nice message from someone who offered to advertise for me on Instagram. Of course, I gave them the OK! I’m really so shocked they would do that… They said the liked the zine so much it deserved more exposure. My dude… I love you… T_T

I thought about advertising on insta myself earlier in the week. For some reason I felt it was going to be fruitless since I don’t have an art account on there with a following. So, I gave up on the idea. Hey it worked out in the end.

I’ve never been so organized in my entire life. I want this zine experience to be perfect. The people have placed their trust in me, so I cannot mess up. - Edited some pages in the zine. The typography must be perfect… It made me think back to undergrad days in graphic design school. Man, if only I can present this as a project - photos, videos, matching accessories and all. I’d probably get an A lol. - Orders slow down after the first day. The rest is just about getting new people to see the post and giving other people more time to decide.

I finished my Kratos stationery today. It’s going to be so cute. My friend said people would want to buy it but I don’t have it in me to do more products at this time. Plus, I want it to be a surprise.

Why make stationery? Well my real job (no, I don’t draw Kratos all day for a living) is a stationery designer! It would feel really wrong not to put into practice what etiquette I’ve learned in this business. Plus, I felt that it was necessary to properly thank all those who ordered. And it’s fun?

I started designing the shipping labels for the domestic orders since I don’t need to fill out a customs form for those. I wish I had sticker labels but… it’s okay. It will still look good in the end. - Every so often, I would get nervous at the amount of money I’m responsible for. Perhaps, if I had a store with existing products I wouldn’t feel this way, but the fact that the books haven’t been printed yet made me scared. I know, I need this money to even print the books in the first place, but I’m just baffled at my customers’ trust in almost a total stranger. I felt pressured that I could not let them down and lose that trust. It probably didn’t help that I watched a documentary on Elizabeth Holmes (Theranos) that day.

So, I prayed every single day that nothing would go wrong. I’d check my spreadsheet constantly for any mistakes. It was a little obsessive, but I would rather be that than overlook something.

I began collecting cardboard boxes. My plan was to cut them up to protect the books during transit. I would have preferred hard envelopes but they were a bit pricey. If I have to do more work myself, so be it.

I’ve been getting nice DMs from some buyers. I think my invoice due date scared them… I really did not intend to be strict, but I wanted people to pay now if they can rather than forget about it. This happens at work all the time, so the best thing to do is have it due immediately. It would not look good to have to wait on stragglers when I close pre-orders, so I’ll probably reach out when there is one week left. - My Kratos stationery arrived! Aww it is SO CUTE!!! My babies… I have a lot of notes to write so I got started right away. It’s going to be a lot of work trying to come up with creative ways to say “thank you,” but I don’t mind. I said I was going to put my all into the zine experience so I will.

At long last, the charm order has been put in motion. My friend said it could take a while… I hope it won’t be longer than 3 weeks. I really do not want to keep everyone waiting. I may ship out the ones who did not win a charm first. I mean, there is no reason to make those guys wait. I should ask the charm winners if they still want to wait and see if anyone wants to give it up for someone else who is more patient. Hm. - I finally stopped by the post office today to collect customs forms. I have my work cut out for me since I’m filling all of them in by hand. D:

I’m not used to international addresses so I think I’ll ask for help in checking them for spelling errors and typos. Heaven forbid I mess up on the very last part of the zine experience.

In my nervousness, I decided to reach out about invoices early on. If someone wanted to cancel, I would rather find out sooner rather than later. Everyone was really nice about paying and thank goodness they’re still excited.

Feeling kind of overwhelmed by all the things I need to do, but it’s a good thing. If I don’t know what to do, I can either: cut cardboard, write letters, type shipping labels, draw more Kratos for a… possible volume 2? Someone I talked to today already said they’ll pre-order a second book if I make one. Omg I think I’ll die. But we’ll see. It’s just a joke right now haha… - Preorders end today. I had another nightmare last night that the books could not be printed properly and there was nothing I could do. Why do I keep getting nightmares about the zine! I had one a few days before about people canceling their orders when I asked them about the invoices. I’ll take these dreams with a grain of salt. I’m probably just stressed/worried but everything is going to be okay. When I open my eyes, nothing is on fire.

I received my final proof a few days ago. With all of the artwork completed and changes applied. The book looks good, no doubt about it. There was only one thing I was nit-picky about but it can be fixed. The press operator offered to print another book for me to inspect. I’ll go see it on Monday and then submit the rest of the orders. I also asked to to have a meeting with the press operator so we are on the same page. It would be beneficial to have an understanding of how my book is made so that I may be more helpful to him.

I spent the day preparing shipping labels. I hate to admit, I am not too familiar with the format international addresses so I had an address validator open as I was typing them in. For the most part, everyone was helpful in already formatting their addresses in the preorder form! - My parents called me the day after preorders were closed. They wanted to say congratulations on my success. No one thought it would do this well. I couldn’t be offended by that since I was also guilty of it. I’m happy though. It feels like my love spread across the world and was contagious.

I tried to think of what advice I would give to others. Obviously, genuine love for the subject and hard work were a necessity. But it would be good to consider value. If I were selling it at this price, I had to make sure my pieces and presentation looked the part. I ask myself, if someone else sold it, would I buy it?

I sent out messages to all the charm winners in the morning. I wanted to apologize profusely at the ridiculous amount of time it has taken to get them made. But no, I’ve got to stop apologizing. I stated the facts and left it at that. Everyone was really kind and patient⁠—to which I was thankful for. I don’t usually get that when I’m working customer service. - All the books were done printing in one day. Wow! I went to pick it up immediately of course. I can’t believe all of this is coming to an end. I finished preparing the mailers. All that was left was to stuff and seal the domestic orders. They were the easiest to do so I’m going to ship those first. The rest will need customs forms, which I haven’t filled out just yet. It’s going to be a while for those…

The mailers were quite sturdy with the cardboard cutouts I slipped in them. I have nothing to worry about. I’m sure my babies will be okay! - I took a whole box of domestic orders to the post office today. Wasn’t sure what to expect. But my clerk had to input every single address one at a time while I checked for errors. Omg, why are the post office shipping labels SO HUGE. I thought it was going to be half the size. And they’re ruining my designer labels! Slight panic but oh well…

I had a long long line behind me. I’m so sorry, people. Luckily there were two clerks or I would be really sweating. Despite my intimidating box of zines, the clerk and I had Synergy and we managed to ship all of these in about 15 minutes. I received a very long receipt and quite the bill lol. - Shipped the international orders today. I was kind of a mess since I had no idea what to do. I keep wondering if I can help speed up the process in any way but I don’t think I have the option to ship first-class at home.

When shipping international, keep the post office copy of the customs forms together with the package since they use that to type the address info into the system. Also, we get free tracking, which I did not know about. The other clerk told me that we did not get tracking for international first-class but I guess he was misinformed. It’s good to know for next time. - The charms finally arrived!! And THEY’RE HOLOGRAPHIC?! It was pretty awesome, but it makes picture-taking kind of difficult!! Anyway, I was a tiny bit disgruntled that they got my order incorrect, and I even asked for a reprint. But they said no, so I left it at that. Besides, it seems the holographic effect was well-received.

I like this size that I made. It’s really cute! Larger than your normal charm but not too huge. It’s almost like an Instax photo! - There was one customer who I found lives near me! I asked her if she wanted me to hand-deliver it to her in a public setting and she agreed (to my amazement). We finally met a few days ago and talked for hours and hours lol! I’m glad to have finally made a new friend here in this town but of course she’s moving away in two weeks. <:’3

We’re going to meet again to make the most of her time left. - I shipped the rest of the orders on the following Monday. I HAD to get these out. The poor guys have been waiting over a month! I think I picked a bad time to go because I had a huge line behind me and only one guy working. People in line were getting antsy or mad. The clerk at the other post office was super fast but not this guy…

For some reason shipping to the UK and Japan nearly doubled in price since the last time I checked. RIP. T_T - Omg I finally made a mistake. I wrote a letter to the wrong person. And the contents of that letter are too personalized!!! I am dying of embarrassment!!!!! Screams!! Had to apologize to both customers too!!! Luckily they were good sports about it but I’m seriously kicking myself AAAAAAAA!!!! - The most rewarding part after sending all my babies away is seeing the commentary on my project. It is so so nice to receive positive feedback. People are happy! Happy with something I created out of thin air. Everything was worth it 1000 times over. I can die happy!

I’m especially thankful to those who show understanding for how much effort went into it. It definitely wasn’t easy and I poured way too many hours into it… not that I regret that.

I don’t want to jump the gun but I would really love to make a volume 2. Because I know I can do better than last time. New and improved art and comics! But we’ll see if I make enough pieces for another book. I was against printing 40 pages before but now I kind of like it. It feels more worth it than a 25-page zine. If i’m going though so much effort, might as well bring in the entire package.

I’ll be printing more of this volume for Aselia Con 2020. Now I know people will appreciate it.

#diary

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artsynimbus · 5 years

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I’ve caught up with RWBY guys and I gotta say.. I’m not as disappointed as I thought Id be... SPOILERS AHEAD-- Imma clear up and say that I’ve seen V5, I guess in my mind it was V4 pt 2 so yeah I completely forgot that I saw it already so I only had 2 volumes to catch up on which wasn’t so bad. V6 - Was overall not as bad as i thought it would be- the point of the volume seemed centered around RWBY and exposition regarding ozpins orgins and whatnot- which can I say.. wow interesting. Jinn was absolutely stunning I have to make that clear and Blake and Yang recovering... jesus christ I felt tense.. as they were trying to patch things up with each other especially on the farm. I’m glad the Adam fight happened cause it seemed to play a bridge in mending what fractured in V3 and most importantly I’m thrilled they introduced a character with silver eyes to train Ruby. And can I just mention how JNR is just... wow if they’re not the definition of family then my god. Nora and Ren go so hard when it comes to Jaunes feelings and I absolutely love that. Thats about all the good I can say was in the volume, however the only thing that drove me mad was the fact that the ‘bad guy’ in the volume was an old lady who wouldn’t get the crew a plane until it was too late and she changed her mind lol. I think other than that, I really didnt’ like the fight scenes with the grim in the beginning of the volume cause it seemed really slow and ‘cinematic’ which I’ve never been a fan of, also adam became such a fukboi that his character made me repulsed.. like he had an intimidation factor in the early volumes but then he turned into a whiny incel bro dude that was mad the girl he liked left him-- like what??? .........but thats really it, overall it was a decent volume that explored what counted given what happened before the journey. I think it was annoying also that despite a few people knowing the lore of silver eyes, ozpin... doesnt? or it never crossed his mind that rwby could do what she did to the grim back at beacon to salem?? Like.. not even just oz, but did everyone forget?? Everyone seems very wrapped up in ‘oh salems immortal how do we defeat her??’ but none of them think sealing her in stone or freezing her time = defeat? it seems like people just selectively forgot how powerful/ what type of edge they really have with rubys miracle eyes. Also, Kars thought he was immortal too till Joseph sent him to fuckin space, so send that bitch to space, like?? c’mon..

V7 - I already said I loved everyones new look! I love the ace team. I AM ABSOLUTELY FLOORED THAT PENNY IS BACK! granted I’m confused why any data she records is in a stored core and not some sort of cloud lol but ok.. Nora’s idea for Thunder Thighs is VALID! Marrow is GOOD BOI! The theme for the story seems to be very much political? Which I think is interesting, and can’t wait to see what happens to the end. BB is HEAVY in v7, and honestly despite what both sides were saying in my inbox... Its not devastating y’know? like, I don’t mind it lul. What I do mind though is Rens fucking attitude, like where is this coming from?? like he’s starting to subtly bother me, but idk, I just thought V4 kinda highlighted how he shouldn’t hide his feelings and that he has people there who are always open to talk with him, but i guess thats thrown out the window?? BUt whatever, renora happened so I’m happy lol! I like Robin and who is the faunus that rolls with her?@? shes adorable! Speaking of faunus did I mention Marrow?? Yeah hes a good boi.. ANyway Winter is going to the the next maiden which honestly didn’t shock me, cause something told me after her character was introduced and when Ozpin was telling the story about the maidens, my dumbass was like “oh i bet winters gonna be one hUr DuR” and so now thats a thing, but I believe she’s going to be a badass one, so thats cool! Overall I think so far V7 is really turning out well, the action in the fight scenes are way better than in v6 and half of v4 I wanna say! The only thing that I don’t like is how mustache guy can just hack atlas with with his 13 iphones and atlas isn’t like.. aware of that?? like when he powered down the cameras there was.. nothing? no one in ironwoods office freaking out etc especially ironwood, which isn’t he at this point on the edge of his seat trying to prepare of any threat-- so wouldn’t random cameras shutting off out of nowhere make him more wired to kinda.. fix that or see whats up.. idk that painted a story to where he’s been fucked up since the fall of beacon but he seems chill overall despite whats happening.. so what.. does he not know about the team that assists salem?? like idk, sometimes this story seems so choppy, but imma wait cause its not done . Also why isn’t Penny connected to anything? like the network in Atlas? Shes the protector but ya’ll didnt’ install wifi in her so that she could pick up that camera stuff? Not to mention the way the framed the girl at the end seemed very cheap... there were a few faunus in the room and no one saw the scorpion faunus going ham and killing people? You’re just going to waait for 1 person who obviously didnt’ see shit to blame her?? Its THIS kinda thing that kinda turns me off to the story sometimes, cause boy.. like hiccups overall aren’t bad, but like in real life they get annoying when its constant. Also going back to ren, I can’t believe they really put in a part where he and nora were really arguing about whether BB is a thing like... bro.. ok? why tho? was the moral of that.. for BS shippers to identify with Ren, and BB shippers to identify with Nora...just so the argument overall could be highlighted??? Cause I mean.. at the end of the day, we all make out and get along so i dunno I just --LOL V7 is going great so far, it just seems choppy but when doesn’t it get choppy y’know??

#im rambling #text post #no tldrs #you read it or you dont #rwby #spoilers #?#my opinion

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the--ghost--king · 5 years

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Spider-Man:Far From Home

Hey so I just saw Spider-Man: Far From Home. And I got like mildly spoiled beforehand about the end credit scene but that didn't take away from the story at all so time to dive the fuck into my ramble anger.

The movie is phenomenal. I was shacking and anticipating and on the edge of my seat the whole time but that doesn't mean that I don't have things that bothered me about it.

First, let's talk about Tony Stark and how his death has impacted Peter. Peter is unsure and doesn't really know what to do with himself at the start of the film which is completely understandable. He's still mourning, Peter doesn't feel ready (the scene with the reporters shows this expertly when you contrast Peter handling the Press and Tony handling the Press) which is completely understandable. He's 16, he's just come back to life and everything is strange and confusing. He's vulnerable as Hell this whole movie and a fuckton of people abused this vulnerability.

First of all, I'm just gonna start about Nick Fury and the second after credit scene. Talos was Fury all along which makes sense with how to an extent Fury didn't act like himself and missed certain things etc but that doesn't excuse the manipulative behaviour he exhibited towards Peter. Maybe it's just me but I was quite angry with how Fury kept pushing Peter towards taking the mantel of 'New Iron Man'. I get that He (Talos) was probably working with some loose orders and figured this was the best course of action because Tony left Peter the glasses but the way he went about it is all wrong. We don't expect Nick Fury to be a nurturing presence or anything but making Peter feel like he's failing the world and more importantly letting Tony down by not taking on the 'Iron Man' Mantle is fundamentally wrong in my opinion.

You can't tell an emotionally vulnerable teenager that his mentor figure, who has just died, would be inexplicably disappointed in him if he didn't do something he (the teen) is afraid of/ doesn't feel ready for/ doesn't want to do yet. It's upsetting that Tony's legacy and his death was used as a manipulation tactic like this. That it's Talos and not actual Nick Fury excuses some of his actions, Talos is maybe less aware of earth costums or is maybe playing up the 'Hard-Ass Nick Fury' idea but that's also kind of unbelievable because we know that Talos is rather empathetic by nature because of his family. He has it in him to be cruel but wouldn't do so unnecessarily and lovely reminder: Peter is a child. He might be a superhero but he is still a child and they should have taken a different approach towards getting Peter to rethink being involved in all this. Because the way Talos(Fury) just made Peter be involved by changing all these aspects of his trip that he can't control must feel very violating to Peter as well. He seemingly has no control over his life at all and it's fucking awful.

Now that we've got that out of the way it's time to fucking talk about our favourite motherfucker Aldrich Killain Quentin Beck. (I'll talk about Iron Man 3 and General Iron Man parallels in a bit) either way Quentin Beck aka Tony Stark inconvenienced me that one time and now I'm willing to Kill Children -Man number 700. Is this just going to be a thing in Spider-Man movies, all villains are going to say it's Tony Stark's fault they're doing what they're doing whilst they're fully functioning adults with autonomy(??????) (Is it obvious that I am Mad). Either way.

Quentin Beck is mad because Tony used his holographics technology and called it BARF. Sounds like a fair thing to be mad about when Tony seemingly didn't give him any credit for it. I use seemingly here because we don't have the full story. We just know what Quentin told us which is that Tony did something that upset him and Quentin figured the best course of action was to become the next Big Superhero and kill a bunch of people in the name of his goals. ( *cough* Killian *cough*). Also William from Iron Man 1 working with him is a fun little Easter egg but it also makes no sense that he'd somehow hate Tony because Obadiah yelled at him. Like what's the thought process there? Do we actually justify this? Doesn't Marvel know how to give people proper motivations for their actions? Maybe I'm just salty (and like I'm biased because I love Tony Stark) but still. Beck called him a drunken manchild (which a lot of Tony antis do) and then disregards all the good Tony has ever done for the world and how he's been growing and changing and trying to do better since IM1 and how that culminated in his death in Endgame to instead focus on the things he did before he decided to turn himself around (like a lot of Tony antis do).

Mysterio's entire motivation is based on him misinterpreting Tony's character. Tony did one thing that was detrimental to Mysterio and then Mysterio made a huge leap and just said, 'Y'know how I can best get my revenge over this tiny little thing that most people would either go to court over or go to the press with to gain public trust/opinion to ruin their opponents reputation? Making myself an elaborate superhero and not caring about casualties because they're for the greater good.'

Basically I'm done with people making Tony responsible for their actions when they made these radical choices completely on their own without him ever doing anything but upsetting them in one way or another.

I'm not saying that Tony didn't do anything wrong in this scenario (if we were told the whole truth and Tony stole someone else's idea for no good reason, which, knowing him, sounds fake) but I am definitely saying that Beck could have done literally anything else to get back at Tony especially if he had like 5+ years to think of his evil revenge plan.

So next up is first me being slightly mad about the Spidey-sense being called the 'Peter-tingle' and how it's really not explained how it works in the movie (maybe it was but I just missed it) either way, it was very funny but also mildly upsetting.

And then the last thing I'll complain about is the mid-credit scene. I'll talk about the whole Peter/MJ romance subplot later but I want to specifically concentrate on the identity reveal. I'd been spoiled for this but only a little. I knew they would paint Peter as the bad guy and they set the whole identity reveal with The Daily Bugle (well done on that) up by showing us William grabbing the USB-stick and this being done makes a lot of sense with Mysterio's character bc he was a conniving bastard who'd obviously have contingancy plans. I'm not mad about how the reveal was done or that it happened necessarily. Overall the scene was handled very well and was very impactful. I'm just kinda upset because Peter just gets thrown into this new thing and never gets a break and I'm upset about what they want to do with this information now.

Side note: they also foreshadowed the identity reveal when Peter was talking to May and Happy by making it look like he was maybe talking to a camera or something (clever shot Marvel).

But now my issue with the world knowing Peter's identity: It's going to Fuck his life over immensely, especially because the world thinks he's evil. The Next Spider-Man film (and I'm pretty sure the last one) is going to come out in 2022 and I'm pretty sure they're not going to mention how the Spider Man conflict is handled in other movies. Which means they'll have to fix that up in the next Spider-Man movie somehow.

In the comics some peope of the New York public disliked the Neighbourhood menace Spider-Man because of J.J Jameson and The Daily Bugle and how they talked about him being distrustful but the world didn't know who Spider-Man was, so Peter could live his life normally without Spider-Man debilitating him. In this timeline (fucking earth 616 Marvel who are you kidding, also does this mean that that was actually a lie because motherfucking Mysterio made his story up???) The world Knows that Peter is Spider-Man and he has no one to protect him, he's on his own, completely and he's not ready.

That's a huge thing in the film. Peter isn't ready but everything around him seems to push him to be without regarding what he wants at all and then the reveal happens. Idk if this made complete sense but the lack of agency Peter gets over his life especially with Beck pulling this shit is astounding and Marvel will have to somehow fix this by the next Spider-Man film and sell that convincingly and I don't like their prospects at all.

So now we're going to talk about things I liked about this movie:

The MJ/Peter romance. It was great and made a lot of sense. The way that MJ had issues with being vulnerable. Peter "Hopeless Romantic" Parker. How Peter just really wanted to get the girl and have something nice for himself after all the bad shit that happened. Their romance made sense and although I don't like love triangles the whole Brad thing was pretty funny and did have us on the edge of our seat sometimes. The romance was a subplot but it was a part of the story in a way that seemed very organic and it added to Peter's story and character without taking away from the bigger story.

Next thing up: a loose list of Iron Man 3/ Tony Stark parallels. (Which made me a very happy lad)

Tony lost his suit in IM3 and has to work around this, Peter loses his suit and then also has to work around this (although he gets help ig). (Very thin I know)

The villain being a deception somehow. Aldrich Killian being the manderin and Mysterio being the bad guy.

The way Peter just started rambling about the multiverse and science the moment he heard about it.

Peter ghosting Nick Fury

How Peter made his suit on the plane and configured a bunch of things and used the holograms so organically. (did you see how Happy looked at him it was so obvious that he was fondly thinking 'wow he's just like Tony')

Other things:

Peter swinging a vaguely hammer-like object whilst also holding a vaguely shield-like object

Peter holding a vaguely shield like object in another battle scene

The entire May/ Happy romance

NED AND BETTY

Brad (Also the Peter is half naked with this random lady scene had Issues but I've been mad about this movie over enough shit already and someone else has already talked about it for sure)

Their teachers

Flash loving Spider-Man and still bullying Peter.

Flash being a vlogger

The fact that they called it 'The Blip' sounds a little dumb but it grew on me.

Also the acting in this movie was phenomenal. Mad respect to Jacob, Zendaya, Jake, Samuel and Tom they captured the characters really well and every scene was good.

I loved all of the super unsettling and upsetting illusions Beck showed Peter (fucking Tony's grave and that goddamn skeleton of decay Iron Man crawling out of it was Art)

Also the second end credit scene with Nick Fury in space was funny. Nick deserves a break.

It might have seemed like I was shitting on the movie a lot but I honest to God loved it. It's just that me, this boy, is a whiny little bitch and nitpicking is one of my favourite hobbies.

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bthump · 5 years

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what do you think about the prophecy? "He is the one who shall bring an age of darkness upon the world" what does this mean? is griffith really going to turn out being the bad guy( I hope not) or guts is going to change this prophecy somehow? (because he should have been a sacrifice but he is alive?) also why does schierke call griffith false?

Ok so I re-read a bunch of scenes relating to the prophecy to try to come up with a decent answer, and honestly I think I might’ve been better off just going “idk probably depends on your pov” lol.

But I came up with some things to say and I’ll try to lay out my thoughts in a somewhat organized way here, so bear with me.

At the end of the Eclipse, Slan is all, now that the fifth angel is here the time of darkness descends. Then she defines exactly what the Age of Darkness will entail:

Soon Farnese shows up and recites the prophecy. This also happens right after the Eclipse, before the Black Swordsman arc will have taken place, two years before the next time we see these guys:

The fifth angel, the Hawk of Darkness, pretty obviously Femto. There’s no mystery here.

And honestly, the Age of Darkess is pretty explicitly discussed during the Conviction Arc. There’s really no mystery there either, at least not yet.

(I’m relatively certain that last line is essentially identical to “they sensed intuitively” from NGriff’s resurrection, and which I’ve also seen translated as “knew,” and so I wouldn’t put too much stock in the word “believed” there as purposefully leaving room for doubt, just fyi.)

Like, this is hammered in over and over. This prophetic dream of plague and natural disasters and war and famine, followed by Laban bemoaning the state of the world as these events come true and he encounters a landslide and a village full of plague, and we see tens of thousands of starving refugees outside the Tower of Conviction, and Kushan war elephans make an early appearance, etc.

Dark shadow, darkness that covers the world, thick darkness, utter darkness, etc etc. It’s not subtle, and it’s pretty clearly the intended follow-through to Slan’s words and Farnese’s prophecy. The Conviction Arc shows us the world that’s shitty enough to motivate humanity to will a saviour into being.

Also while Age of Darkness sounds a little too impressive to be boiled down to a measley 2 years that suck extra hard, I’d argue that this is more like the straw that breaks the camel’s back. Plague and famine etc just draw into sharp relief the divide between the have and the have-nots, which is largely what the Conviction Arc is about. It’s about nobility terrorizing peasants through the Inquisition, and neglecting peasants as Laban muses that the King is too obsessed with trying to find Griffith to allocate resources to relief efforts, and how much this fucks the world up.

The Conviction Arc shows us a pretty good example of a world where darkness, ie wickedness, hatred, hostility, the dead, and illusion (I’d argue Mozgus’ brand of religion, especially with how much fun the narrative has with painting it as super fucked up and hypocritical etc, like God’s love being a torture chamber, fits that bill) covers the light.

And it’s the kind of world that Femto requires in order to be incarnated physically.

So whether the “Hawk of Darkness,” directly caused this “Age of Darkness,” or whether it’s more like, yk, humanity/fate caused it itself because humanity’s negative emotions reaching a critical point allows him to incarnate and change shit up as per humanity’s desires (this is all there in the Lost Chapter), I’d stay it fits the prophecy. Femto = Hawk of Darkness = Age of Darkness = all the darkness of humanity emphasized.

But this gets muddy once NGriff does show up and we get the sequence where his apostle captains meet him etc:

Like okay, so Schierke’s maybe just reciting the old prophecy, since it’s the exact same wording Farnese gave us, so maybe this doesn’t change what we were lead to believe was the Age of Darkness? I mean at this point we’d be still in the midst of it, going by what was stated in the Conviction Arc. The future tense could just be because it’s an old prophecy.

But the future tense is there (and I double checked with a scanlation lol, and it was there in that translation too, so I’m assuming it’s part of the original Japanese wording), and it’s worth considering that this is still meant to be foreshadowing and the Age of Darkness is yet to come. In which case it would presumably be Fantasia.

So one possibility is that the Conviction Arc is either a giant Age of Darkness red herring or it has been retconned out of being the Age of Darkness, and we’re meant to understand Fantasia as the prophecized Age of Darkness brought down by the Hawk of Darkness.

I’m not fully on board with this possibility because a) the Conviction Arc was pretty damn straightforward and made perfect sense as the AoD and I hate retcons, and b) Fantasia is defined by light lol, not darkness. Both literally in that a bright white light envelops the Earth as it changes and it’s often described in terms of light, and figuratively in that I’d suggest every one of Slan’s examples of light up there (love, hope, etc) is illustrated in the nature of Fantasia. Humanity joining together despite differences including apostles, hope, astral planes merging (which I’d argue makes the world more real, not less), the living (NGriff’s funeral services make people more at peace with the idea of death and able to emotionally recover from the loss of loved ones much easier), and I’d also argue that this chill easy going accepting version of organized religion we’ve seen fits the ‘sacred’ bill a lot better than Mozgus’ horrific version.

Admittedly you can argue the opposite for some of these points, like maybe Griffith’s funeral services making people more cool about death is a bad thing and an example of death eclipsing life. Maybe the astral plane is supposed to be more illusion than reality. Maybe we’re eventually going to see hostility and hatred in the world outside Falconia. Hell, maybe the Sea God slog was meant to be indicative of the ~darkness~ (and to be fair I did not re-read much of the sequence to try to find examples of the narrative evoking darkness as a description, so it could be there. But it’s gonna take more than an anon ask to get me to re-read the entire Sea Sea god subplot lol.) But even from Guts’ perspective the joining of the astral plane also includes wholesome Elfhelm-y shit, so it’s still not as simple as evil sea gods and monsters now getting to fuck shit up, we also get helpful mermaids and stuff.

So yeah so far given what we know, the pre-Fantasia world fits the description of the Age of Darkness perfectly and really heavy-handedly lol, with all the references to darkness involved, and Fantasia is a lot less clear-cut.

So the way I’d interpret this prophecy is that Griffith is both the Hawk of Darkness and the Hawk of Light, which imo is likely to be in part an on the nose reference to Femto as his inner darkness vs NGriff who does, in fact, save the world in a way characterized by light lol.

And which one you see him as depends on your point of view. It’s not that Sonia is wrong and being tricked and Schierke is right and sees the truth. It’s that Sonia, living in the Age of Darkness, losing her parents and almost being enslaved etc, and being saved by Griffith, is in a position to see Griffith as a saviour, along with most of the rest of humanity, which was collectively crying out for a change that Griffith’s dream and goals in particular are suited to enacting.

Schierke, distanced from humanity, not actually in danger of being burnt at the stake or starving to death or whatever, and more knowledgeable about the astral plane, sees Griffith as the Femto-y Hawk of Darkness, king of the blind white sheep (his human followers, one presumes), master of the sinful black sheep (apostles one also presumes).

And the fact that this chapter doesn’t end on Schierke’s assessment but on Sonia looking on at Griffith in awe, followed by yk 150 odd chapters of NeoGriffith being portrayed as the protagonist of his half of the story rather than the antagonist of Guts’, followed by seeing those “sinful black sheep” and “blind white sheep” up close as interesting and likeable characters in their own right who go out of their way to help people (Sonia rescuing Kushan children, later apostles helping humanity, eg), make friends with some of Guts’ rpg group including Schierke, at one point join Guts and co in a fight against a greater enemy while being directly paralleled to Guts (Zodd), etc suggests that maybe that particularly harsh description is not fully accurate or fair.

If Fantasia does turn out to be the (an?) Age of Darkness after all, I imagine that would also be depicted as a more dual thing depending on your perspective. For those getting eaten by dragons, yk, maybe Age of Darkness is a fair description. For those living in peace, maybe it’s not.

Also as an aside, to address a counterpoint I just came up with lol, I don’t think the relative tininess of Falconia vs the rest of the world has much bearing on this. Miura’s Berserk is pretty solely focused on this one particular chunk of the world, and there’s virtually no acknowledgement that Midland and the surrounding area is actually just a tiny microcosm of the world. I mean, the Godhand and the Idea of Evil are presumably not solely the manifestations of fantasy Europeans’ negative subconsciousnesses, but it’s their suffering and their inequal society that allows Griffith to manifest physically. No acknowledgement as to whether like, the wildly different societies throughout the world, some of which are probably more equal and less hit by plague and famine, and therefore more content, should counterbalance all the suffering in Midland and area lol.

To me this feels like a pretty typical issue/trope with medieval fantasy that Miura’s just kind of casually playing into bc he doesn’t particularly care about subverting it or making a point about it so much as he cares about using this established structure to tell his own story. Even during the Fantasia montage, we only saw medieval pseudo-Europe. The lone acknowledgement that the world is technically bigger than a stretch of land between Midland and fantasy India (+ Elfhelm) was the page of the bright light spreading across the Earth as seen from space. And like, a secretive conversation between 2 of Guts’ current allies (Magnifico and Roderick) discussing the possibility of colonialism lol.

Again, maybe we’ll see acknowledgement in the future? Maybe eventually the narrative will come out and say that yeah, it’s absolutely absurd to think that a happy kingdom whose residents number in the thousands is a beacon of hope for 99.99% of the world that has no way to get to it lol and is presumably, in theory, stuck with their own dragons and stuff now. Maybe Berserk will ultimately turn out to be a giant thoughtful subversion of European-esque fantasy stories that treat Europe as the centre of the world. But based on what we’ve seen so far I don’t think there’s much reason to assume that lol.

Like even the Elfhelm warlocks don’t point that out when they had the perfect chance to, they just say that it sucks that Griffith made his kingdom the only peaceful place, forcing people to choose between Fantasia and Falconia. They don’t say that the vast majority of the world doesn’t even get access to that choice lol, and so I don’t think it’s meant to be relevant.

I also want to point out that Miura redacted the Lost Chapter because it gave too much away too soon, and has since spent some time hinting about things those of us who’ve already read it probably know.

Like Flora doesn’t know what that something lurking in the abyss is, but we do, and it’s humanity’s dark, painful subconscious itself.

Griffith is essentially the avatar of humanity, hence why he’s humanity’s “desired,” and is remaking the world in humanity’s collective image. And like humanity isn’t all good or all evil but contains both, so does NeoGriffith, imo. Even the “Idea of Evil” isn’t evil itself, it simply fulfills a role humanity desires - the role of villain, essentially. It’s the reason why bad things happen, it’s the scapegoat for humanity.

The Hawk of Darkness is symbolic of the darkness of humanity - and that’s pretty much the point of Femto, I mean just check Slan’s heavy-handed Eclipse commentary of “this is what it means to be evil. This is what it means to be human” - and the Hawk of Light is symbolic of at least the potential humanity has to overcome that darkness, imo.

I’ve always puzzled over pain vs salvation there, and I still do, but hey one possibility is that it’s a suggestion that humanity’s over the Idea of Evil being the scapegoat that brings them pain (fate making bad things happen basically, so humanity has something to blame), and wants it to bring them salvation instead - light. And through NGriff’s transformation of the world, humanity reaches that light themselves by uniting in peace to survive against their own demons. Even outside of Falconia, humans are only going to be able to live in a world full of fantasy monsters by uniting together lol.

And like until I’m conclusively proven wrong I’m going to maintain that

Fantasia being defined through joining humanity together is pretty solidly framed as a positive thing. Maybe humanity working together in peace is light and salvation, love over hate, hope over hostility, reality over illusion (the ultimately meaningless differences that divided people), etc.

SO I guess at the end of the day what I think is that Griffith is simultaneously the Hawk of Darkness and the Hawk of Light, that while Fantasia has some downsides to say the least lol we’re not necessarily supposed to take Elfhelm Warlock dudes’ assessment as the be all end all either. We’re getting 2 sides to this utopia story and we’re probably meant to judge for ourselves whether it seems worth it or not. Schierke would say no and prioritize the darkness of Griffith, ie the Hawk of Darkness, Sonia would say yes and prioritize the light, the Hawk of Light, and neither are wrong. But idk, maybe both might be able to grow from seeing the other’s point of view and incorporating it into their own understanding of the world.

I’m also thinking this dark vs light stuff is going to come into play in a big way when Guts and Griffith confront each other, and I imagine that their relationship is actually going to get the final say in all this. Hate or love, hostility or hope, illusion or reality, the dead or the living, wickedness or sacredness. Does this not to a tee describe them post Eclipse vs pre Eclipse?

Maybe if the Age of Darkness is still to come afterwards, they’ll end up plunging the world back to its original status quo when they conflict and kill each other or whatever, and take Falconia/the world tree/whatever down with them. Maybe NGriff’s unfrozen heart will come into play as the final piece of the thematic puzzle if the Hawk of Light represents the light of humanity, which ofc includes love. Maybe all it will take to conclude the themes in a satisfying way is a moment of understanding of that “true light” between them, discovered in darkness, while they fight.

Like you’ll pry my reading of Berserk’s themes as consistently and thoroughly existing to symbolize Griffith and Guts’ relationship out of my cold dead hands lol.

Fuck sorry this got so long and meandering. What did I say about trying to keep my thoughts organized lol?

Anyway tl;dr I don’t know shit and I don’t think the world of Berserk actually makes much sense, but let me throw out some theories and interpretations of possible contradictions and weird ass world building lol. And I mean, Miura is pretty consistent in interviews about saying Berserk isn’t about plain old good vs evil, so it wouldn’t surprise me at all to get something more complex and interesting than “Griffith is the evil Hawk of Darkness tricking humanity into seeing him as the Hawk of Light, and Guts is going to save the world from him.”

OH SHIT AND I ALMOST FORGOT: I have no idea where Schierke calls Griffith “false,” so you’ll have to point that part out to me, unless it’s just a difference in translations or something. Sorry I can’t address that part, hopefully you’ll at least scroll to the end and see this even if it’s super tl;dr lol.

#Anonymous #ask #a #berserk meta #b #lost chapter spoilers #theme: fate #character: neogriffith #theme: true light #theme: morality #berserk is a lot of things but it's not overly simplistic i'll give it that #theme: spirit world

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maryellencarter · 6 years

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working on 9/11: an exercise in keeping one's mouth shut. at least my poor trainer is gonna be trying to get through a week's worth of material today (we are so behind), so maybe there won't be too much chatter.

(one of the recent high school graduates in class was bitching yesterday about how his teachers and stuff would all have stories about where they were on 9/11/01 and all the Never Forget stuff, cause he was one year old obviously, and he was like "it's history! it happened!" and like... pointing out that even though he doesn't have a Where Were You When You Heard story, the aftermath has shaped his whole entire life, and -- idk, words are hard, i just really liked hearing someone acknowledging the historical importance while also being kind of irreverent about what has basically become a major religious holiday of Murrica-worshippers. I speak as an apostate of that religion myself. ;P)

Honestly, as long as I'm rambling about this, I may as well do my whole 9/11 ramble, or what I can get of it on a phone keyboard. So to preface, I was... I'm gonna obfuscate my age a tad and say fourteen or fifteen, but I was just hitting that stage of brain development where teenagers get really into questioning the assumptions that underpin their lives. In my case, I wound up really noticing just how fast everything moved and how suddenly all the adults around me appeared to lose their critical faculties. Over the next few years I lost a lot of what had been a very strong faith in the founding USian ideals; I still think it was a damn worthwhile experiment, but I now think your average human is too damn out-groupy and illogical to make any such experiment work long-term on a centuries-to-millennia scale.

Uh. Where was I? Right. So then, due to reasons, I spent large chunks of the Remodel of Doom researching the 9/11/01 timeline and so forth. I would not go so far as to say that "9/11 Was An Inside Job", but I was looking for a satisfactory answer to one very specific question, desperately trying to make the official story hold up, and I still haven't found one. (I was also writing what, in retrospect, was a perplexingly time-displaced Captain America/Avengers AU long before CA:TFA hit theaters, in which 9/11 took the approximate place of the Chitauri invasion. I'm still so damn chuffed that I called every major story beat in The First Avenger; that was honestly the moment, when I realized that in the theater, where I really started to believe in myself as a writer. The movie was of course far better written and more cohesive than anything I'd committed to paper, but I'd gotten the plot outline right, and that was a huge confidence booster for me. Not massively relevant, but Steve Rogers in the 21st century is forever tied to 9/11 for me, so that goes in the ramble. Might go back to that story sometime, actually... I say while not working on any of the sixty pilotfics I want to write... ;P)

So, uh, anyway, MCU-related digressions aside. That one question was "How did the government sources talking to the news media know that al-Qaeda was the terrorist organization to which the hijackers were linked before anyone even knew how many planes had been hijacked or where they were headed?" Because I remember very clearly -- I didn't know al-Qaeda from a hole in the wall (I didn't know *the World Trade Center* from a hole in the wall, I was actually picturing the New York Stock Exchange until the existence of the towers became relevant, and we didn't have a TV to unconfuse me), but the radio announcers were floating the specific name "al-Qaeda" specifically before the second tower even fell. Not a general suspicion of "Islamic terrorists", they went straight to al-Qaeda, and specifically in the context that al-Qaeda had *not* claimed responsibility for the attacks, phrased in such a way as to imply (but not state in a legally liable way) that it was already Known they were at fault.

Me, after years of chewing on that and drawing timelines, I've settled at the belief that it almost certainly wasn't "an inside job" in the sense of being performed directly by government agents posing as hijackers or government demolitions teams -- frankly, I don't think a USian focused on PR would have come up with those targets, we'd go for the Statue of Liberty and the White House or Congress like every disaster movie does -- but I do strongly suspect there were US agents grooming disaffected young men toward the idea, like how we used to (and probably still do) stoke local conflicts abroad in order to gain influence. And I am very certain that at minimum, somebody in an important decision-making position had A Plan: that if and when a newsworthy terrorist attack happened on US soil, the name of al-Qaeda would be floated, the populace whipped into a frenzy, the PATRIOT Act pushed through, and Afghanistan invaded. I doubt they had the whole PATRIOT Act actually prepped ahead of time, but the basic "give them al-Qaeda for a scapegoat and let them demand blood" -- I have never found any evidence I could use to make myself doubt that that plan existed and was implemented, and believe me, I fucking wanted to. :P

So yeah, that's what I've got of the 9/11 ramble I'm not going to deliver at work. One more side note. There's a verse of "America the Beautiful" that irritates the fuck out of me, because it goes on about "heroes proved in liberating strife", referring to the USian War of Independence, so George Washington etc, "who more than self their country loved, and mercy more than life". Loving your country more than yourself is all very well and good, but a soldier who loves "mercy more than life" is A SHITTY-ASS GODDAMN SOLDIER if not outright a pacifist, and either way quite likely dead! :P I get so fucking *mad*. The point is, as Sir Pterry said, to make the other poor bastard die for his country first.

So. But. Anyway. The part where this ties into 9/11. There was actually a picture book, because Murricanism is very much a major religion along the lines of mainstream Xtianity, gotta indoctrinate those babies young. (I'm feeling very snarky for obvious reasons.) But this particular picture book was the lyrics of America the Beautiful with stock photos of the amber waves of grain and purple mountain majesties and all that, and for that verse, they used a news photo of the Twin Towers with the smoke and some pics of firefighters and EMTs. And *that* got me right in the fucking feels, because I swear to god, man. It actually applies. If anybody does "love mercy more than life" in the line of duty, it's first responders. And I -- I wish it hadn't just been an excuse for another fucking pointless war, I wish that hadn't been the direction we spun it, because damn. Can you imagine -- I'm not sure I'm making any sense at all here, but can you imagine a world where instead of the runaway inflation of military spending and police militarization that we've got, a world where we turned toward aggressively funding paramedics and other social services? Thanking them for their service? Where saving lives was valorized instead of taking them. I wish I lived in that world. :S

um, yeah. thank you for coming to my ted talk, as the children say :S

#not sure how to tag this #9 11 fake tag #world trade center fake tag #twin towers fake tag #thinky thoughts

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idkwhatawritingblogis · 6 years

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alphabet nsfw meme; sierra.

A = Aftercare (What they’re like after sex) sierra is honestly really cuddly. like, axel (or any partner, really.) can't just roll over and go to sleep immediately, she needs to get held by them and just have some real Soft Moments afterwards before any sleeping can be done. so chest to chest, her fingers in their hair. sometimes she is able to sleep without it, but. not often.

B = Body part (Their favourite body part of theirs and also their partner’s) her favourite bodypart of her own is her butt. or her tiddies. and for axel, it's his back. or his stomach.

C = Cum (Anything to do with cum basically… I’m a disgusting person) i mean, she digs swallowing. but she also likes if axel ends up shooting his shot on her tiddies. she sees it as some weird marking thing. also, she doesn't mind getting cum on her face. she subscribes to the "jizz is great for your skin." world, so y'know.

D = Dirty Secret (Pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs) she's definitely fantasized about drew sexually at least once. while drunk on wine. but she'll never cop to it. she likes to block it out, ok. she drunk and lonely and probably sad.

E = Experience (How experienced are they? Do they know what they’re doing?) she is not very experienced at all, though most of her experience has come from axel. which he's very patient, especially as she tries to find herself and what she wants to try and stuff. she kinda wishes he'd suggest things more, but that's just because she's almost at a loss on what to do/try. one day, she'll search for porn and find /something/ but. we'll see.

F = Favourite Position (This goes without saying. Will probably include a visual) sierra is really big into riding, which she never thought she would be because of her insecurities, but it's genuinely just her favourite. she loves how it makes her feel and just.. digs being on top and getting to look down at axel (probably because she's a smol bitch and he's a tol bitch, so role reversal, probably.)

G = Goofy (Are they more serious in the moment, or are they humorous, etc) i mean, she's honestly pretty giggly?? like, it's never too serious, but never outright scream laughing. she'll crack jokes if she's feeling some kind of awkward way, but that happened more at the beginning. but still. sex isn't fun without laughs, so bye.

H = Hair (How well groomed are they, does the carpet match the drapes, etc.) she trims. she doesn't know what she likes for grooming yet, but she's absolutely fucking terrified to get fully waxed, so that's not happening like, ever. and the carpet does not match the drapes, the carpet is much darker.

I = Intimacy (How are they during the moment, romantic aspect…) she really likes to touch. it makes her feel connected. so even if they're doing the do, and changing positions and such, she wants to touch axel in some way, even for a few minutes. lot of face cupping. and rubbing his arms, weirdly. i don't know. it makes her feel intimate, okay. it's even better if it's slow, and that kinda MAKE LOVE~ bangs, but. y'know. she also is very vocal when it comes to complimenting during sex, so.

J = Jack Off (Masturbation headcanon) she rarely feels satisfied after masturbating. a lot of it is just a mental block that she has to kind of hop over herself, but she much prefers to play with someone else than just herself. so.

K = Kink (One or more of their kinks) one of her secret, that she hasn't accepted or whatever, kinks is like.. collaring. but then she sees Other People and it weirdly creeps her out but she kinda wants one of those little cute collars. not related to animal things. i think she just mainly digs the aesthetic but. idk. one day she wants one and for axel to have a lil chain leash to pull her with. don't @ me. i don't know what other kink she has. public sex, i s'pose. public things. she's real into that, even if it's terrifying.

L = Location (Favourite places to do the do) IN THE FOREST. against the trees. on the ground. in the lil lake thing. anywhere in there. it's always her fav, even if it was winter, and she just finds it way romantic.

M = Motivation (What turns them on, gets them going) dirty talking for reaaaal. and like, mega neck kissing. whispering in the ear. y'know. grope her bum a little, and wow, wouldja look at that, she's gonna rub it against you.

N = NO (Something they wouldn’t do, turn offs) fisting. like she is absolutely not into that, will not try it, try to fist her and she will kick you in the face so fucking face. it's not even funny. Do Not. she also has a bad turn off to bad breath. like real bad. gtf level bad.

O = Oral (Preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc) i mean, she's rarely gonna say no to getting oral, but she really digs giving it more. she really did realise what deepthroating was cause of glee, and she knows she can do it and when she does it and gets the reaction she wanted?? she is just beamin' happily.

P = Pace (Are they fast and rough? Slow and sensual? etc.) it depends on the day, ok. it really does. the mood. sometimes a bitch wanna be slow and sensual and Loved.

Q = Quickie (Their opinions on quickies rather than proper sex, how often, etc.) well i mean. she's for it. she's participated in some. they're great for momentarily scratching an itch if there's a time crunch. like when either her or axel's plane is gonna leave and they wanna get one last bang in before not seeing each other for month. she obviously prefers the full blown kinda sex, but quickies can be hot. esp if their clothes are still on and underwears just pulled to the side. sick.

R = Risk (Are they game to experiment, do they take risks, etc.) well, she likes public bangs, so yes, there's risk involved there. she's also really game to experiment. like she kind of is open to trying a lot of things at least once? unless she's immediately turned off by something.

S = Stamina (How many rounds can they go for, how long do they last…) i mean. she doesn't know how many rounds for sure. at least like, two. three, she might be too tired. she doesn't last too long, though, like. axel's good at what he does, and she knows he knows that from how easy she can end up being in his hands.

T = Toy (Do they own toys? Do they use them? On a partner or themselves?) she does own toys, and they mostly came from axel, so they could do some distance play. the remote controlled vibrator gets used the most because axel is a goddamn MENACE. but she has fun with it, when it works and stuff. for her own self, she really just has a decent lil vibe, kinda old, she just hasn't bothered to buy a new one. i do not believe she has sex toys to use on axel. not yet. maybe One Day.

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease) god. she's annoying by how much she likes to tease and the lowkey power trip it gives her, like. when she got to tease axel last time she was in FL, and he was at work?? she was like yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaas. and it led to, in her opinion, one of the best sex experiences they've ever had together. she also sends him teasing nudes. to be a douche.

V = Volume (How loud they are, what sounds they make) LMAO. sierra is a very loud girl. like. exceptionally loud. she can't help it. being quiet is an issue for her, and one she should probably work on, especially with her love for the public bangs, buuuuuuut. she's a moaner and honestly, kind of like a squeaker. it feels weird to say she's like an anime character, but it's like that, just not on a creepy childish level, ok.

W = Wild Card (Get a random headcanon for the character of your choice) when she cums, it's like she's seizing the fuck out. full blown shakes, she can't really help it. she is Feeling It. and also she's dramatic. so it fits her. goodbye.

X = X-Ray (Let’s see what’s going on in those pants, picture or words) .. she got a vagina and some tiddies fam wtf

Y = Yearning (How high is their sex drive?) honestly it's pretty high. if she was consistently getting sex, she probably would chill out at least a little, but she's definitely on a "oh i want it all the time, why can't i have it" trip at the moment. thirsty lil shit she is.

Z = ZZZ (… how quickly they fall asleep afterwards) like i said earlier, she needs some snug time before sleeping but once that's done, she can pass out pretty easily. she's usually exhausted after sex.

#( sl. )

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blue-eyed-korra · 7 years

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Captive Prince/Proposal AU

Ok first of all, I’ve seen this idea be mentioned once or twice in the tag before, but seriously people how do we not have one of these yet? It practically writes itself.

I’ve been thinking this over for awhile and I think I’ve got a solid plot figured out but I don’t think I have the patience or talent to write this.

Hell maybe I will eventually but for now I want all my amazing capri fandom to picture this:

Damen is an overworked yet ambitious wanna-be book editor who works for Laurent, the intolerable, bitchy and ‘sadistic’ editor in chief, a cast iron bitch if you will.

Damen takes it because he’s hoping that Laurent will be a stepping stone to his goal but Laurent seems bent on personally antagonizing him in particular. (spoiler alert: its cause Laurent finds him attractive but doesn’t wanna deal with ~feelings~ and just stays perpetually pissed at him)

Anyways, Laurent fires Guion because he lost a big deal they were supposed to get with Torveld, which Laurent salvaged, and we get the whole ‘poisonous bitch’ speech.

Then at a meeting later that day Laurent’s bosses (basically council members) tell him that he work visa was denied because he violated a requirement and he’ll have to quit his job in Delpha and be deported back to Vere, where he’d have no choice but to work for his uncle’s publishing house and Guion will take his place as editor in chief.

Cue Damen interrupting Laurent’s internal panic attack to remind him about a client calling about ~something~ but Damen told them that Laurent was engaged at the moment. Cue light bulb going off in Laurent’s head and the announcement that to the board that they’re getting married.

Damen’s confused face here is priceless too just pointing that out.

After a bunch of arguing Laurent blackmails him so that Damen will marry then divorce Laurent after a year but if Damen doesn’t agree then all the time he put into working for Laurent would be for nothing.

They go to the Akielon embassy to tell them the situation, but the immigration worker got a tip from Guion saying that the marriage is a scam to get Laurent citizenship, so they’ll need to be quizzed on each other, and that their friends, relatives neighbours etc. and if it doesn’t line up they would have committed fraud. Laurent would be deported to Vere and Damen would be fined and be put into jail for 5 years.

Damen hesitates but then says they didn’t tell anyone because of his promotion to editor (Cue pretending-not-to-be-confused Laurent who goes with it). When the officer asks if their families know Laurent says that his family’s dead but they’re actually gonna tell Damen’s when they visit them that weekend for Uncle Makedon’s birthday, which Damen says is gonna be in Isthmia (Laurent’s surprised as hell cause Isthmia is the summer getaway for the rich and powerful of Akielos). Their interview is set for Monday.

When they leave Laurent compliments him on the whole ‘editor’ thing but Damen says he wasn’t joking considering the stakes. Laurent grudgingly agrees to make him editor and to publish his manuscript and we get the scene where Laurent proposes officially kneeling on the sidewalk.

The rest is under the cut!

Next day they’re flying to Ios then Isthmia, going over the questions and Damen talks about how he already knows everything about Laurent including the tattoo he supposedly has. Laurent brushes it off and they suffer through a smaller flight to Isthmia.

Damen’s mom and uncle are there to greet them and take them through the main town where Laurent notices that many of the businesses have his family name on it. Turns out that they’re big real estate moguls in Akielos and own many of the businesses on Isthmia as well. Aka: They basically rule Akielos ;).

They have to take a boat to the family’s huge summer villa that looks more like a palace than a villa ;) and we get the ‘hand off ass’ scene.

There’s a big party later and Laurent meets Jokaste who he’s immediately curious about cause of her looks and the fact that Damen’s all tense around her (also how she looks like a female Laurent). They reveal that they’re engaged and everyone begins asking questions and they both use it as an opportunity to embarrass each other.

Everyone wants them to kiss in front of everyone and at first they do and awkward peck but then Uncle Makedon insists Damen ‘give him a real kiss’ and they do and they both get confused af cause it feels good…?

They share Damen’s old room which is huge and has a gorgeous view of the sea off the balcony and a massive bed (with a fertility blanket courtesy of Makedon). Laurent claims the bed while Damen has to take the floor and blanket.

Turns out there’s a big rift between Damen and his Father cause he gave up the family business to pursue his passion for publishing in Delpha, amoung other things we learn about later.

Nikandros appears a few times to give Damen lectures about how he shouldn’t rush into a relationship again because of a blonde cause look at what happened last time. I also want Pallas, Lazar, Jord, Aimeric, Nicaise and Erasmus to show up at some point.

We get the bachelorette scene with the stripper and the discussion between Laurent and Jokaste about how they were engaged but Damen left cause she cheated on him with his brother and he caught them together.

Then we get the whole naked scene in all its glory. People who’ve seen the move know what I’m talking about ;) But Damen does catch a glimpse of the starburst tattoo between his shoulder blades.

Damen later makes fun of the whole thing and the tattoo and Laurent isn’t taking it but he does open up a bit about his interests and what happened to his family. His mother died of cancer when he was 12 then a year later he was in a car accident with his father and brother and he was the only one to survive. He moved in with his uncle, got the starburst tattoo for his brother when he was 16, went to collage at 18. (Idk if to include the ‘it takes two’ scene and sub it for something else that’s equally funny and cute).

Damen sympathies since he always had his family growing up and realizes he shouldn’t have shut them out as much as he did after the whole Jokaste thing.

The next morning his parents comes and his parents ask if they’d wanna get married the next day since the whole family’s there and they agree, actually kind of acting like a couple and not realizing it lol.

Next we get the ‘windows and walls’ scene with uncle Makedon and Laurent in the woods drinking griva as a blessing to the gods for a long and happy marriage and Damen just looking at Laurent acting all loose and funny and it’s amazing.

After Laurent’s sobered up a bit they go back to town to get some business done and Laurent sees Damen and Jokaste talking outside and gets kind of jelly but mostly feels a bit guilty since he thinks he still has feelings for her despite everything.

Then Damen’s mom and Makedon take Laurent to get fitted into a wedding outfit which has been in the family for generations (idk if to go with a suit or a chiton but I’m kind of leaning towards a chiton cause I need for Damen to see him in one, but its also a modern au but idk). And they give Laurent another heirloom, a golden broach, which was worn by Damen’s mother at her wedding. All of this obviously overwhelms Laurent since he hasn’t felt like a part of a family in years and also feels guilty about tricking these nice people.

On the boat ride back Laurent tells Damen about how good it is to have a family again and that he himself forgot what its like to have a family. They argue about their arrangement and family which distracts Damen, causing him to swerve, making Laurent fall out the boat. (btw he can’t swim). Damen jumps in and rescues him and holds him to warm him up for a bit before heading back.

There Damen’s dad takes them to meet the immigration officer and Laurent’s Uncle, who Damen’s dad flew in. The officer gives Damen a deal where if he confesses that it’s a sham he won’t be arrested and Laurent will get deported. Laurent’s Uncle of course acts like he’s concerned but also says things to him that guilt him even more. But Damen doesn’t take it and sticks with the wedding.

Later he asks Laurent why his Uncle was acting so off and he elaborates on how his Uncle actually hates him. Damen’s shocked but doesn’t think its anymore than that.

The wedding starts off as planned and Damen thinks Laurent looks gorgeous (especially if its a chiton) and Laurent thinks Damen looks devastatingly handsome in his wedding clothes. It’s in that moment he realizes he loves him and that he can’t do this to him and his family, confesses in front of everyone and leaves with the officer and his Uncle.

When Damen looks for him in the bedroom he finds the clothes, broach and a note saying that he’s sorry and that he does think that Damen is a talented writer and will do well as editor. Jokaste fins him pissed off and he rants to her about how infuriating Laurent is and she encourages him to go after him.

The whole thing where Makedon fakes a heart attack to get Damen on a plane ensues.

Damen confronts Laurent in their office as he’s packing up his things to go back to Vere and tells him that he used to despise his existence but that he came to know his heart and that if he gave Laurent his heart he thinks he’s treat it tenderly. And the entire office is shocked but Laurent looks completely lost for words for once but then says something along the lines of ‘I didn’t realize that you’re such a sap Damianos’ and Damen’s all like ‘Well I’d say we have plenty of time to get to know each other better’ then moves forward and kisses him passionately right there in front of everyone and everyone cheers.

And because I’m also an incredible sap… Epilogue!

Damen and Laurent marry a couple months afterwards, they got through the interviews and have a gorgeous wedding at the villa, only this time they’re both glowing with happiness in the sunset and all that romantic shit I love. At the reception they’re practically glued together the whole night and we find out that Laurent pressed charges against his Uncle after finally being free of his looming control (Idk if to give his uncle’s company to Laurent but it would be fitting af but idk if to integrate how to integrate it into the story) But after Laurent’s confession many other young men and boys come up, the youngest is Nicaise, a foul-mouthed 14 year old orphan who Laurent takes to immediately and becomes his legal guardian.

Damen and Laurent sneak off at the appropriate time and enjoy their wedding night together. All cuddled up after, Laurent talks about how he never thought he could have family and happiness again and Damen just smiles and kisses his new husband and they fall asleep together happy and content.

So yeah! That’s all I got so far but I may or may not actually write this but any interested authors feel free to message me about it if you’re interested!

The fandom deserves this au.

#captive prince #damen x laurent #lamen #damen #laurent #nicaise #nikandros #jokaste #kastor #this took me two hours fuck #worth it #my thoughts #damianos #laurent of vere

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