#of course then we have to deal with the implications of sam accepting him own homosexuality

[licieoic]

“Pour One Out” - Digital Oil Painting

Inspired by Suptober, theme: Pour One Out. Bartender/Patron AU! This one was actually inspired by a number of themes from Suptober including “Family Business” and “Favorite,” as shown in the ficlet below the cut. (It’s PG, though Dean is having some more adult oriented thoughts, LOL.)

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“Hey.”

Looking up, Dean saw his brother, Sam, sticking his head into the brewing room. It had to be nearly time for his shift, he already had his abundant hair pulled back.

“Your favorite’s here,” he said.

Dean straightened up so fast, he nearly dropped the pitcher of beer he’d been pouring so carefully. “Trench Coat?” At least, that was the name he used with Sam; he didn’t want his brother knowing what he called the quiet man in his head. He’d never quite had the courage to ask the man’s actual name and since Winchester Bros was cash only, he couldn’t sneak a look at a credit card either. He’d considered asking for his ID, as that was perfectly acceptable in a bar, but since he was clearly over legal drinking age it would just make Dean look like he was stupid or an ass.

“Usual spot,” Sam answered before popping back into the main area of the bar.

He got up close to the shiny brewing vat in front of him and tried to check his appearance, but the metal didn’t make for a good mirror and left him looking deformed. Damn… He hoped there was nothing to worry about, like food in his teeth or crustiness in the corners of his green eyes, and that his light brown hair was just the right amount of tousled, leaning more toward ‘I woke up like this’ and less like ‘I use a lot of product.’ Then he reached into the pocket of his apron for the breath mint he always kept there, on the chance that his favorite patron would stop by.

It was easy to remember the first time he’d ever seen him, he doubted he would ever forget. Five months after he and Sam had opened the bar, they’d had to strike a deal with the Devil (Dean’s private name for their wealthy investor, Crowley) in order to save it from going under. It had always been their dream to start up a family business and they’d each quit lucrative careers (Dean as a mechanic, Sam as a lawyer) to open Winchester Bros. It had taken every penny of their life savings to do it, they just couldn’t give up so soon.

Pride still smarting with the knowledge that they’d be under Crowley’s thumb for the foreseeable future, Dean hadn’t exactly been the friendliest bartender that night. After being short with a small bachelorette party, Sam told him to concentrate on the solo patrons at the bar who usually weren’t the chatty types and leave the groups to him. Dean hadn’t argued, they needed as much patronage as possible, he could ill afford to turn what could be repeat customers into people who never came back just because he was in a mood.

Down at the far end of the bar, he saw a man with dark, messy hair hunched over the bar. He wore a slightly dirty trench coat over a deep navy suit and had a five o’clock shadow darkening his jawline. All in all, a fairly standard-looking barfly, if he were judging a book by its cover. Dean leaned both hands on the bar and tried not to sound too brusque as he asked, “What can I get you?”

Then the man looked up… and Dean forgot everything. He was lost in the bluest eyes ever to blue, bluer than the tie hanging crooked from the man’s neck. Dean’s mouth might have gone slack, he wasn’t sure. They were like angel’s eyes, almost too pretty to be real.

“I don’t know,” said the man, immediately dubbed Angel Eyes. He seemed kind of down, but that wasn’t unusual for a lone bar patron. “Do you have a menu?”

“W-we do,” said Dean, pulling over the list printed on laminated cardstock once he remembered how to speak. The line at the top read ‘Winchester Brews,’ which he’d thought damn clever at the time, now he worried it was corny. “Ahem… Everything on offer is brewed in-house, plus I can make you just about anything you like.”

“Anything, huh?” He looked at the menu, but didn’t really seem to be reading it. “I don’t know,” he said again, “surprise me?”

Something was really bothering this man, Dean could tell, his bartender instincts were jangling like crazy. His bi-dar, however, was all over the place. He never had a problem flirting with the ladies who came in, but it was always hard to tell if he was clear to make a pass at a man. That kind of thing could get dangerous, depending on who it was and what kind of attitude they had.

“Surprise you,” Dean repeated, reaching below the bar for a tumbler which he filled with a few ice cubes. “Well, you look like a man of… discerning tastes.” He followed this with a wink to test the waters. To his delight, Angel Eyes smiled. And Dean’s heartbeat doubled. He turned around and took a surreptitious breath in an attempt to calm it down, but it didn’t work.

From the back shelf, he retrieved a bottle of whiskey with a simple handwritten label on the front that read ‘Winchester Special #5’ and turned back to face him. As he poured, Dean said, “This here is our monthly special.”

“What makes it special?”

“It changes every month,” said Dean. “Afterward, we add it to the list of brews. And if you can guess the flavor, the inspiration behind it… it’s on me.”

“Has anyone gotten it right yet?” It was the nineteenth, he’d assumed correctly that some people had already tried Dean’s challenge.

He shook his head. “Not quite.” Gesturing at the tumbler, he quirked a brow and asked, “Care to try?”

Angel Eyes picked up the glass and took a sip. He tilted his head, appearing thoughtful.

“So?” asked Dean when he didn’t get an immediate answer. “What’s it taste like to you?”

“Hmm. Molecules.”

Dean laughed outright and Angel Eyes grinned. “Well, you’re not wrong!” he exclaimed. “Molecules, heh, can’t say I’ve ever heard that one before, but is that your final answer?”

Swirling the ice in the glass, Angel Eyes took a longer pull, maintaining eye contact with Dean as he rolled the whiskey slowly over his tongue. Dean’s mouth went dry as he watched his Adam’s apple bob up and down when he swallowed. Unconsciously, he licked his lips and those bluer than blue eyes followed the movement.

Angel Eyes clicked his tongue. “Blueberry…” he said, slowly. “But there’s something else… It’s sweet and… creamy?”

“No hints,” said Dean, but mentally he was cheering the man on, wanting him to make the right guess, and he was so, so close.

He took one last sip from the glass, finishing it off. “It’s good. I like it. It reminds me of a blueberry sour cream pie. Final answer.”

Dean grinned broadly. “We have a winner!”

He returned the smile with one of his own and it seemed like both of them had forgotten their problems prior to their meeting each other. “Really?”

Nodding, Dean poured him another. “On me. Since you’re the first correct guess.”

He picked up the tumbler and saluted Dean with it. “Cheers.”

Dean nodded, a little disappointed that he didn’t have an excuse to keep their conversation going, and turned to go back to work.

“Oh, and—”

Heart in his throat, he looked back. Angel Eyes hesitated.

“Thank you,” he said, finally. “This… really helped.”

“Yeah?”

He made a vague gesture. “I don’t want to get into it, I know bartenders aren’t therapists,” he said. “Just some family issues.”

Dean’s heart sank. He had a family. Of course he did. “Well, you’re not the first guy to come here to escape his wife for a while,” he said, trying to sound nonchalant.

“Oh, I’m not married,” Angel Eyes said.

“Girlfriend?” came out of Dean’s mouth before he could stop himself.

He shook his head. “One of my brothers is constantly going through a rebellious phase. Our father isn’t happy about it.”

“Ohhhh, well, I can definitely understand annoying brothers,” said Dean, aiming his thumb at Sam who was down at the opposite end of the bar, and forcing himself to swallow down any follow-up questions. He’d already said he didn’t want to talk about it, Dean wanted to respect that. “You should bring your family around,” he said, smiling. “It’s easier to open up after a few, you know?”

Angel Eyes chuckled. “I’m not sure if that would be a good thing or a bad thing. Besides…” He thumbed the rim of his glass before glancing back up, hitting him with that blue gaze all over again. “I don’t know if I want them coming around here. Maybe I want to keep you all to myself.”

Any thoughts of pushing for more patrons to offset his and Sam’s massive debt had flown away. Dean could only nod like an idiot, he knew what the man meant, of course, but the unspoken implications in the statement were pinging around in his head like a super ball. He might have squeaked out an ‘okay’ or a ‘yeah’ as he headed back to work, he didn’t remember. He did remember almost tripping over his own feet and not looking back, knowing his face would be bright red. He pretended to not remember hearing another chuckle.

Since then, Angel Eyes came in at least once a week, always sat at the end of the bar, and always ordered the monthly special, even though he paid for each subsequent drink following his correct guess. He was never wrong about the flavor either, which amazed Dean, he even got the lemon meringue right. He’d been so sure that no one would get it – he’d heard lemon-vanilla, toasted marshmallow, all kinds of other things because who guesses ‘meringue’ for a whiskey anyway? Apparently, a man with gorgeous blue eyes in a slightly dirty trench coat. Three months in, he was the only person who’d figured out that Dean based all the specials on his favorite pies and it only made his guesses come that much quicker.

As he headed out to the front, he dropped off the pitcher of beer and grabbed #15 from the shelf. He almost couldn’t believe it had been ten months since his favorite patron had first come in. Tonight was the night, he resolved, he would ask for Angel Eyes’ actual name. Maybe in another ten months, he’d work up the courage to ask for his number. Dean internally rolled his eyes at himself. He was truly pathetic.

Angel Eyes perked up at the end of the bar the moment Dean emerged from the back, yellow light from a nearby neon sign on the wall reflecting off his dark hair, almost like a halo. They smiled at each other and Dean’s heart was immediately doing flips, seeing how obviously happy he was to see him. Could be the Crush Goggles, but still…

“Fancy seeing you here,” said Dean, filling the glass with ice and setting it down on the bar. “I was wondering when you’d be in to try the latest special.”

“I’m just hoping it isn’t Pumpkin Spice,” said Angel Eyes. Being that it was October, it was a fair comment. You couldn’t go ten feet without encountering something bearing that smell and/or flavor.

“I do like pumpkin pie,” said Dean, pouring the whiskey. “But I think it’s more of a November flavor.”

Dark brows lifted. “A hint? This is new. What did I do to deserve that?”

Dean laughed. “Maybe I’m in a good mood, that’s all.”

“Me too. It’s a good night.”

“Hopefully, about to be better,” said Dean, nodding at the glass.

“I don’t need to drink to have a good time,” he said, but picked up the tumbler all the same to have a sip.

“Your continued presence at my bar says otherwise,” said Dean.

Angel Eyes swallowed. “There are other reasons a person might come to a bar.”

“Such as?”

“Good ambience.” He took a longer sip and let his eyes wander over Dean before traveling back up as he swallowed. “I like the company.”

Dean hoped he wasn’t blushing but he couldn’t hold back a goofy smile. “You do get to meet all kinds of people in a place like this,” he said.

“Yes, though I was referring to one specific person.”

“Yeah?”

He finished the whiskey and set down the glass, meeting Dean’s eyes head-on. “Yes.”

Mouth dry, Dean cleared his throat. “So, uh…” He gestured at the tumbler. “Any guesses?”

“Maybe.” He trailed one finger around the rim of the glass. “If I pay for the drink, can I have something else as my prize? If I get it right, of course.”

“Uh.” He swallowed hard. “S-s-sure.” He could hardly manage the one word; he couldn’t even summon the brain power to ask what it was he wanted.

Smacking his tongue against the roof of his mouth, Angel Eyes considered his answer. “This is a good one,” he said. “Definitely not pumpkin, but it has sweetness… and a note of tart as well.”

“Are you a sommelier?” Dean asked suddenly. “That would sure as hell explain a lot.”

He laughed, the bright sound so incongruous with his gravelly voice, it had quickly become one of Dean’s favorite things about him. So much so, that he would go out of his way to come up with a corny joke or allow himself to be a little clumsy, just for the chance to hear that laugh.

“No,” he said, still smiling. “Disappointed?”

“No. I just can’t figure out how you’re never wrong.”

“I haven’t made my guess yet,” he pointed out.

“And?”

Deliberately, he reached into his glass and retrieved a small ice cube. Before Dean knew what was happening, Angel Eyes was popping it into his mouth and sucking on it while he thought about what answer to give.

Guh. He has to be doing this on purpose! Dean thought. How does he make everything he does so sexy?

Still keeping eye contact with Dean, he bit down hard. Crunch! If he kept this up, Dean would need to run to the bathroom and readjust his jeans. To try and diffuse some of the tension in the air, Dean attempted to make a joke like he usually would.

“You, uh, you know what they say about people who chew their ice, don’t you?” he asked, almost tripping on his own tongue.

“No,” he said, to Dean’s surprise. “What do they say?”

Well, this backfired spectacularly, thought Dean. “They, uh… that they’re, well, you know…” Those clear blue eyes wouldn’t give him an inch, Angel Eyes sat patiently waiting to hear the punchline of Dean’s naughty joke like they were talking about the weather. He had no choice but to quietly stutter, “That they’re… s-s-sexually frustrated.”

“Oh.”

Really? That’s all you have to say, ‘oh’? thought Dean, incredulously. While he watched, Angel Eyes fished out another ice cube and crunched down on it viciously, all while holding Dean’s gaze, as if to punctuate his statement. Heat creeping up into his cheeks, Dean took a steadying breath. Curse blushing, he thought. Curse the noun, curse the verb, curse the act!

“H-have I finally stumped you?” Dean asked when his tongue decided to work again.

“Caramel apple rhubarb,” he said, definitively. “Final answer.”

“Damn!” exclaimed Dean, pounding one fist on the bar. “You did it again!”

All he did was smile in response, the handsome bastard. As he reached into his coat pocket, he casually remarked, “You know, your freckles disappear when you blush.”

He blinked. “They do?”

“Then I get to notice them all over again when they come back.” Retrieving his wallet, he pulled out a ten-dollar bill and placed it on the bar between them. “It’s what I’ve been calling you in my head all this time. Freckles.”

“Well, that’s kind of rude, how would you like it if my brother and I were calling you Trench Coat behind your back?”

“I wouldn’t mind.”

“Okay, good, because that’s totally what we’ve been doing.”

They snickered together.

“Out of curiosity,” said Dean, “what were you calling Sammy?”

“Manbun.”

Dean snorted. “I’m absolutely going to call him that.”

“So, his name is Sam? You don’t wear nametags, so I’ve only ever known your last name.”

“Nametags are lame.”

“They are. What’s your name, then?”

“Is this what you wanted instead of a free drink?”

“No, this is something I should have asked ten months ago.”

Fair point. Dean held out his hand. “Dean,” he said.

His fingers were cold from the ice but his palm was warm and smooth. “Castiel.”

“Wow.” It wasn’t a name he’d ever heard before; surprise mixed with his pleasure over finally learning the name of his long-held crush. “Wasn’t expecting that.”

“What were you expecting?”

“Not sure. Probably something anti-climactic, like Steve.” He picked up the ten with his other hand. “I’ll get you some change.”

Castiel tightened his grip when Dean would have let go. “Keep it,” he said. “Consider it a tip.”

“Okay,” Dean said, slowly, tucking the bill into his apron pocket.

“Have you eaten dinner yet?” asked Castiel.

“No.”

He grinned and it put all of the smiles Dean had received before to shame. It held a hint of mischievousness as he said, “That’s what I want.”

“You-you want—what? D-dinner? W-with me?” Dean couldn’t quite believe his ears. He’d barely been able to hope for a first-name basis tonight, he couldn’t possibly be so lucky as to score a date. But then, considering they’d been dancing around each other for ten months, maybe Castiel thought if he didn’t make the first move, it would never happen.

Bringing up his other hand, Castiel sandwiched Dean’s between the two as he said, very deliberately, “I don’t believe I’ve guessed wrong.”

Dean could be pretty dense sometimes, but he knew unequivocally that Castiel wasn’t talking about the whiskey. “I’m off in half an hour,” he said, smiling like an idiot.

“I’ll be waiting… Freckles.”

Okay… so maybe blushing wasn’t such a bad thing.

#pour one out #supernatural #suptober #suptober20 #theme: pour one out #destiel #deancas #dean x castiel #dean winchester #castiel #jensen ackles #misha collins #destiel fanfic #bartender/patron au #supernatural au #family business #digital oil painting #only my 2nd destiel fanfic ever #but I like it #I think it's cute #it's really cheesy but I love cheesy #hehe #licieoic paints #licieoic fics

[mshermia]

Out Of Options - Webpril day 10: HYDRA: part IV

Okay, guys. I’m prefacing this by saying that this is a dark one. Please heed CW include torture, mentions of suicidal thoughts and threats of rape.

summary: The Avengers have been trying to stop a 3 month-long series of HYDRA raids and heists. Their greatest obstacle is one of their own helping HYDRA succeed in too many of these missions, accumulating more and more money and weapons.

Or: Peter has been doing HYDRA's dirty work. To Tony's horror, the team is losing their faith in Peter's innocence.

part III: Tony struggles to accept that it takes more than breaking Peter out of the hydra bunker for him to heal.

part I | part II | part III

read on AO3

###

Tony's head was throbbing, his whole body was vibrating with the need to do something but Rogers was build up in front of him, effectively blocking the hallway of the Compound that led further down into the med wing. The tension was thick enough to strangle him. They had left SHIELD behind with Wanda and Barton to supervise the clean-up at the bunker.

"What about Helen," Rogers hissed, still adamant to have at least himself or Barnes in the room during the check-up of the kids.

"He's not gonna hurt her," Tony growled back.

"You don't know that. You don't know what they did to him." He blew out a long breath, throwing up his hands before Tony could get in another word. "I'm not saying he wants to hurt her, but if he reacts badly—"

"It's unlikely." Sam stood next to Rogers, arms tightly crossed over his chest. "They didn't brainwash him, not like they did with James. It seemed pretty clear that they used her, threatened her to control Peter. The only thing that is likely to make him lash out is some burly guy standing over his girl." He gestured back and forth between Rogers and Barnes. Then his eyes found Tony. "They need space to feel safe."

Space. His ears were ringing with the implication. Space? Tony couldn't look away from the door. It was just down the corridor. It was right there. Peter was right there.

"How about you?" Natasha was gnawing on her lip, her mind clearly rattling. "You know how to deal with this stuff."

"This stuff?" Sam blew out a long breath. "This kinda stuff, few people know how to deal with. This is some heavy shit, Nat."

"I'll check in with Helen," Natasha said, then sent a glance at Sam. "Both of us. You look only mildly threatening."

Sam made a face. "Thanks?"

Not that Natasha paid it any mind. "Sam's right. We don't need Peter to feel backed into a corner by a couple of super soldiers. Same goes for you and May." She pointed at Tony. "We all know how desperate you are to see him, but you can't all be in there hovering over them. Sam and I are the safest bet."

He hadn't gone quietly. Not entirely at least. Of course, they had a point. But it had been 4 months. 4 months of agony. Days of preparation where he had to sit on his hands after he had finally made the location of the bunker. Hours that he had spent on the verge of an anxiety attack, desperate for everything to work out.

The look on Peter's face wouldn't leave him alone. How his hands had been shaking, every fiber of him strung tightly, ready to break. Terrified. Inconsolable. It had been agony.

And now Tony was just supposed to stay away? When he was right there?

Natasha had been adamant though. Had ordered all of them - save Sam - to prepare for the debrief.

"Reynolds might be dead but we want that whole network gone." She had looked from him to Rogers. "We still got work to do."

That was how Tony had found himself sitting in his lab at his workbench, the projection of the two different camera angles in the med room playing simultaneously. He hadn't watched Cho examine the wounds aged between 4 months and 4 hours of course. He had FRIDAY pull up the pictures Cho had taken though, specifically the ones documenting MJ's injuries. 

There were cuts all over her, some thin and straight, others broader and crooked. Lash marks, at least the latter. They had whipped her. Repeatedly.

Tony felt sick to his stomach. His hand went to his phone without even thinking about it.

Pepper's voice was soft and quiet. "How are they?"

"That's a loaded question." He slowly blew out a breath, eyes back on the projection. "They are resting." 

Their room in the med wing was almost dark, the lights were down, the windows dimmed but the beds were both empty. Instead, Peter sat on the floor, his back against the furthest wall, his arms clasping MJ tightly to his chest. She was in his lap, her head on Peter's shoulder, knees drawn up as close as she could manage.

"You remember, after Afghanistan? How I couldn't sleep in the bed?"

Pepper sighed, sheets rustling as she likely pulled their sleeping girl a little closer. "They're on the floor?"

"In the far corner of the room." Tony swallowed hard. "Peter hasn't taken his eyes off the door for the last hour."

"You're watching them?"

"Sam said to give them space."

Pepper was quiet, kind enough not to point out that Sam's suggestion had likely included not spying on them like this. It was the best Tony could offer though. It was the one thing that kept him from stealing into the room after all.

"I can be there in a couple of hours."

Tony's eyes fell shut. "I love you, honey. Give me a few more days, okay? Just until we're sure that we got the whole cell."

"Alright," she whispered. "I miss you."

"I miss you, too."

His eyes were trained on the projection in front of him, Peter's hand running through MJ's hair again and again, her face hidden against the crook of his neck.

"I can stay on the line if you want."

He shook his head. "May will be here any minute."

"Tony," she whispered. "It'll be okay. You found him. He's safe. They both are. That's what matters right now."

In the projection, Peter's eyes kept flicking from the door to the windows and back to MJ.

Tony sucked in a shaky breath. "I should have been faster."

Pepper didn't hang up for another 23 minutes until FRIDAY's voice pulled him out of their quiet togetherness.

He arrived at the entrance to the med wing just as Helen had stepped up to May. She had her hand on May's shoulder, firmly holding her back.

"I think he needs a little more time."

"It's been 4 months!" May's voice was strained, emotions hanging by a thin thread. "He's my kid! I can't..." She turned towards Tony. "I need to see him. He's my kid! You can't keep me from seeing him, you can't—"

"Shh, it's alright..." His hands rubbed up and down along her arms. "I hate this, too. We just... we just need to trust Helen and the team right now."

There was nothing Tony would have rather done than fuck all that. Than to storm right in there, pull Peter close and tell him over and over again, that he was gonna be okay.

"But... you..." Her eyes were wide, moisture hanging on her lashes. "You haven't seen him either? But someone has to... He must be so scared, we can't just abandon him!"

"We're not." It felt a little more true saying it to May than it had in his mind over the past hour. "They're in the best hands, but they need to decompress. It... it'd be overwhelming after all this time in isolation."

Images were flicking in front of his inner eye. The stone walls of the cave he had been trapped in. The dark room at the military camp that had seemed even more stifling. Rhodey. The relief at seeing him after 3 months of captivity had quickly turned sour as the adrenaline of the escape ebbed away. It had taken Tony weeks to deal with that but those first couple of days had been the worst. He had been thankful for the time he'd had to compose himself before he had gone home.

"I know this is hard, May. Believe me, I hate this. But he's not alone."

Helen patted her shoulder as well. "I know you're both anxious to see him, but it's all still a bit much for them. They need a moment to breathe. We don't really know..." Helen sighed, rubbing at her eyes. "Actually, I know way too much of what happened to them just from the marks on MJ."

May's hand was covering her mouth, stifling her sobs.

"We know they tortured her." Tony swallowed hard, one hand on May's back. "They had all kinds of wicked shit in that bunker. It explains some of this at least, why Peter went along with it. He tried to protect her."

Helen nodded while May failed to hide her horror in those stifled hiccoughs.

"Come on," Tony mumbled, trying to direct her to one of the chairs. "You should sit down for a moment."

"No, I..." She pressed her face into her hands, pulling in a series of deep breaths as she was ringing for composure. "What about Peter, did they... did they... to him, did they—"

Helen reached out for May, squeezing her lower arm. "It's hard to tell with his healing factor even though it seems somewhat compromised. His powers in general. Though I'd suspect that's a lot to do with a mental blockade, it's highly unlikely that they never hurt him." Helen paused at the soft whimper that rolled off May's lips. "I think if it would have been a pattern of severe physical abuse, I should have found more traces of it on Peter as well. Especially considering the state of—" She stopped herself, glancing at Tony instead.

Tony cleared his throat. The things that had happened in the bunker were hanging over him, threatening to crush him underneath if he'd let his guard down for just a second. How desperate Peter had been, how scared for her, much more than for himself.

"MJ is in bad shape," he said instead, his voice low enough to keep it steady.

May did her best, to compose herself, hands balled up by her side to keep them from shaking. "Someone... someone should contact her family."

"The close relatives all seem to be gone," Helen explained.

May pressed her eyes shut, tears spilling down her cheeks. She sucked in a shaky breath as she stared down at the floor. "I didn't... I didn't realize, I... I didn't even know Peter was still in contact with her. He never said. And that her parents had died... Why didn't he say anything?"

She hid her eyes behind both hands. The sideways look Helen sent him was hardly disguised.

Not just dead. Murdered by those bastards. Helen looked at him like he was supposed to make the decision to tell May or not. Like he knew what to say.

Tony swallowed hard. "Just sit down for a moment, okay?"

He sat with her, trying to be of some use as she cried into his shoulder once he had filled her in. At least that way he could feel useful, like he was helping Peter by being there for May. Though it didn't do much for Tony's spirits. He was too numb, unable to concentrate. His mind was simultaneously trying to block out the state of the kid he'd had to witness and spinning to find a way to help him through this. Where to even begin?

Rhodey had come and relieved him of his duty. May had been set up in a room to rest, had agreed to a light sedative that Helen administered when she couldn't stop shaking. Helen had offered him the same, but Tony had no time for a nervous breakdown. He watched on as Rhodey escorted her to the room, not oblivious to the deep frown on his face as he had repeatedly glanced back at him.

There was no time for him to fall apart now though.

Half an hour later, he sat in the second level conference room, not listening to Rogers' workup of what had happened on the mission. Tony let the words wash over him because maybe, just maybe it would keep the memories of what they had found at bay.

They had been quiet, careful not to be detected.

He had been with Wilson and Barnes, Wanda not too far off to the other side of the front entrance. It wasn't until Natasha had sounded the signal that Wanda had ripped the doors to the main entrance off their hinges. All the scouting they had done made it clear that the cell did use it as the main way to get in and out of the bunker but there were a whole number of old tunnels that were leading out into the surrounding areas. Rhodey was positioned high up in the skies, keeping the rogue escape routes under close observation. There were a handful they deemed most likely to still be in use where Agent Hill had taken her people supported by Vision. Rogers and Barton were the only two Avengers they had designated to go into the tunnels. To one tunnel in particular that seemed to lead from the edge of the dense forest right into the deep center to the lowest levels of the bunker. 

It was the one FRIDAY had calculated most likely to be used for a fast escape and she had been right. It was where Rogers and Barton had intercepted Reynolds. Where they had ended him before he could put another finger on the girl.

It didn't matter how many deep breaths Tony sucked into his lungs, his pulse didn't want to calm down. He would have given a lot to have been the one to put his hands on Reynolds but instead, he had been where he had been needed most. In the heart of the bunker trying to convince his kid not to put a bullet through his brain.

Honestly, it had been painfully easy to get in there once they had figured out where the hide-out was. Painful to think, if Tony had been faster, better, had found a way to track these freaks earlier, Peter and MJ might have been spared some of the hurt. The haunted look in Peter's eyes as he had pressed that gun against his own head, it wouldn't leave Tony alone.

Maybe it was how preoccupied Tony's mind had been. Maybe it was the numb feeling in his bones, but it wasn't until the legs of Steve's chair scraped along the conference room floor that Tony noticed the silence that had fallen around him.

"Peter..." Steve’s voice was low, his eyes glued to the door.

Like he had accidentally grabbed an electric fence, Tony's body lit up with adrenaline. He sat up straight, gaping at Peter, who had taken a few hesitant steps into the room. His eyes met Steve's stare, seemingly blind to everything else around him. The state of him made Tony's heart break. Pale skin, dark circles under his eyes. His shoulders were hunched forwards like he had spent too much time trying to make himself small. It was the fear in his eyes, that hurt Tony the most. Gone was the kid's sparkle, his mirth, and energy that he used to struggle to contain.

"Peter," Steve said again, his mouth twitching with a clear loss of what to do. "You shouldn't be here for this."

"I know," Peter breathed. His hands were pressed flat to the side of his thighs, trembling in the same low frequency as his shoulders. "I just... I needed... please, before you decided, what... what to do, I just..." His breathing hitched. "Just don't punish her for... for what I did. Please, I... it was all me, okay? She didn't do anything. It was all me. Just... just punish me, not her."

It wasn't until Peter's eyes snapped in his direction that Tony even realized, he too had gotten to his feet. His pulse was thundering in his ears as the kid's face turned even paler, the way he twitched as he stared at Tony. He could only watch in horror as Peter sank to his knees in the middle of the room. With practiced ease, he crossed his hands behind his back, forced his eyes back to the floor underneath him.

"I'm sorry... please..." Peter's voice was shaking with fast breaths. He had pressed his eyes shut, head bowed low. "I swear, I'll... I'll do whatever you want. I promise, please... please, just let her go... please, I'm sorry..."

He said it over and over again, into the shocked silence that hung in the air, never pleading for himself, only for MJ. Tony rushed forward in a need to pull Peter up. He couldn't stand the sight of his kid on his knees like that for another second. But he had barely taken a step when he stumbled over his own feet. Strong hands caught him before he fell. Rogers had one arm around his shoulders as he practically held Tony on his feet, then turned him away from Peter.

"Tony, breathe," he mumbled. "You need to calm down right now."

Shaking his head in defiance, Tony tried to get past him, his eyes snapping back towards Peter. He froze in Steve's hold. Barnes had walked up there to the middle of the room, only inches away from Peter.

"No," Tony's breath was caught in his throat. "What—"

"Calm down, Tony," Steve whispered to him, more urgently this time. "You need to calm down."

"Stand up, Peter."

As Barnes' voice echoed through the room, Peter's mouth slammed shut. Barnes hadn't said it with much force, but it was a clear order and Peter didn't even hesitate to recognize it as anything else. His movements were shaky but fast and silent, his head still bowed as he stood in front of Barnes, arms once again pressed to his sides.

"Good," Barnes nodded. The praise had the tension in Peter's shoulders fade just enough to be visible. "Come with me."

Barnes left the room and Peter followed, not another sound bubbling out of him as he did. Tony on the other hand, found his tongue again.

"What's he doing?" He tried to push past Steve but had little chance to dodge him. "Where's he—"

"Hey, stop. Tony, look at me." Both of Steve's hands were on his shoulders, keeping him in place. "Bucky is just taking him back to his room, okay?"

"By ordering him around like a prisoner," Tony hissed. "What the fuck, Rogers?! What the fuck do you think you're playing at with this, huh?"

Steve's hands were still on him, holding him back. "They conditioned him. Peter is..." He shook his head. "They broke him, Tony. They broke his mind, his spirit, and—"

"And now what, you'll just treat him like they did? Like a trained puppy?" Tony's pulse was still too fast, too loud in his own ears. "Who the fuck do you think you are, trying to keep me from him? He needs... he needs—"

"He needs you right now, but not like this." Steve’s eyes were waiting for him as he looked up. "He can't be in here right now and you need to calm down before you can go to him."

His words rushed over Tony like a rare wave of serenity. It wasn't until now that Tony noticed that the room was empty, that everyone else had left them, had left Steve to deal with him on his own.

"You... you'll not stop me..." Tony swallowed hard. "You'll not keep me from seeing him."

"No, Tony, I won't." Steve shook his head. "You're the one he needs most right now, but you're also the one that can hurt him the most. You saw what just happened. What he did when he saw you."

Tony's heart fluttered. "It was for me..." He pulled away from Steve at last, pain burning in his veins.

"That he kneeled? Yeah." Steve blew out a sigh. "He's scared out of his mind. He thinks we're going to punish him, for Christ's sake."

They both looked up as the door was pushed open again. Barnes headed right for them.

"Sam's sitting with him," he said without preamble, then turned directly to Tony. "He needs your forgiveness."

"What the fuck, Barnes," Tony growled. "You think I blame Peter for this?"

"No, but he does." He let the way Tony flinched back from him pass without comment. "It's why he's asking for punishment. He's too afraid to ask for forgiveness. You're the one who needs to give that to him."

He gritted his teeth, eyeing Barnes. "Is that what you did? Get to your knees in front of Rogers and ask to be punished?" His voice was needlessly sharp, but Tony couldn't help himself.

Barnes didn't hesitate to meet his eyes though. "No, I didn't." His voice was leveled and clear like they were conversing about what to serve for lunch instead of Barnes' own tortured past. "I was in a much better place by that time than Peter is right now and Steve was not my commander. Not like that. Steve's my brother, not my father. It was not on him to forgive me."

"I'm not—" The words died on the tip of Tony's tongue.

His commander. Chills went down his spine. That was what Peter had called Reynolds. The Commander. Tony shook the thought from his mind. Just the idea that Peter would look at him like he did Reynolds, made him sick to his stomach.

"So, that's all?" He looked back up at Barnes. "I forgive him and then he's cured?" Before Rogers could open his mouth and scold him for his flippant tone, Tony waved them both off. "Sorry, I..." He turned his back, rubbing a hand over his face.

"He needs time and patience to heal," Rogers said instead. "You can give him both."

"Yeah, because I'm so famous for my patience," Tony mumbled.

To his surprise, it was Barnes who spoke up, not Rogers. "You were the one who believed in him, Stark. All this time, when all of us had lost faith in him, questioned his motives, you're the one who maintained that this wasn't him. That they held something over him. You were relentless and you were right. It's why Peter will come back from this. Because he's got you."

That wasn't true. Barnes might not know that but Tony knew it wasn't true. He had had doubts, had been so close to thinking the worst of his kid. When Peter had gone to see Morgan, he had been so close to striking in retaliation.

Steve knew though. He had been there. He had been the one to talk him down from the ledge he had been teetering on. No, Tony had been ready to give up on the kid. It was shameful but it was the truth.

He kept his back turned to them, hiding his face, hiding his tears. Rogers and Barnes didn't leave him alone though, just waited for Tony's pulse to slow, for his tears to ebb away until they sat him down with more instructions, more information on how to proceed.

No open statements that left room for interpretation. No rhetorical questions. No sarcasm. Sentences that were short and clear. No room for doubt or miscommunication.

"Everything he can interpret as an order, he will," Barnes continued. "You tell him to do something, he will. You tell him to stand or sit or jump on one leg, he will feel like he has to. For you more than anyone else."

Tony rubbed both hands across his face, trying to remember it all.

"Try not to tell him how to act or what to do unless strictly necessary. You want him to sit, ask him 'Can you sit down on this chair?' Right now, no 'please' or 'would you mind'. Not yet, it'll just get him nervous, thinking he's doing something wrong. Remind him that he's safe. Remind him that nobody will hurt him here."

It was a long list and just judging by how his heart was racing, he would forget half of it before he even made it to the kid. As he walked towards the room Barnes had brought Peter to, he tried his best to take deep breaths, not to freak out. Just as Tony rounded the corner into the corridor did Natasha inch her way out of the room where MJ was still in. They had taken the opportunity and separated the two of them just for now, giving the team a chance to talk to them one on one.

"Like we thought," Natasha confirmed. "They hurt her to condition Peter. They were separated unless Peter was rewarded for something but she didn't know what for."

Tony blew out a long breath, eyes focused on the room where Peter was sitting and waiting. "So, what we're doing right now is punishing him."

"I think as long as you don't plan to beat her up and make him watch, them being in separate rooms for a little while is a far cry from what they've grown used to as punishment."

Tony's eyes snapped to her, his temper rising at the mere suggestion, but she stopped him with a wave of the hand.

"You know what I mean." She ran a hand over her face. The dark rings under her eyes were quite pronounced, even for her. "I asked her if there's anyone she would like us to contact for her but she says there's nobody left."

"She knows then? That her parents are dead."

Natasha nodded quietly. "You're right. They should stay together right now. But it's also important that you talk to him first. Remember that we don't need to get to the bottom of everything tonight and just... just reassure him that he's safe. That they both are."

Tony tried to collect himself as he pushed past her towards Peter's room. There was no point in stalling any longer.

###

part V already on AO3, coming to tumblr soon

#hydra trash party #hydra peter parker #peter parker fic #peter parker #tony stark #tony stark lives #spideychelle #hurt michelle jones #michelle jones #spiderson #spider-man #avengers family #avengers fanfiction #iron dad fic #iron dad #ironman #cw: ptsd

[ahhhsami]

TLOU2 and the Stages of Grief

To begin, here’s a quick crash course into the 5 Stages of Grief. 

There are five stages of grief; Denial & Isolation, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. Although these are the identified stages, they are not experienced the same for everyone. People experience them occurring in different orders, experience each stage to different degrees, and in some cases people don’t experience all of the stages. Often times people in real life experience these stages without full completion due to how quickly the world moves and the responsibilities that society has put on an individual. Throughout the whole process, our own feelings and thoughts of mortality is brought up. But there is a common thread in each of the stages and that is Hope. While you may have lost someone you are still alive and there is hope that you will continue to live, or in some cases just survive.

Now that we’ve covered some basics to the 5 Stages of Grief, let’s really get into it in regards to The Last of Us Part II. There will be spoilers ahead.

1. Denial & Isolation

The obvious trigger to this first stage for Ellie was the killing of Joel. We can see this particular event beginning the thoughts of “This can’t be happening.” Denial is a buffer, a protection mechanism against tragic events. This then moves onto the feeling of helplessness and a lack of hope. Often times this stage is shorter, a more immediate response to the loss. Ellie clearly experiences this stage quickly, this can be seen through the audio distortion as soon as Joel is killed. The stage has begun and continues to be present as the scene cuts to Ellie, Ellie who has isolated herself and who is clearly going through the stage of Denial & Isolation. It’s the first wave of pain.

2. Anger

This is the stage that Ellie stays in the longest. Denial & Isolation, as mentioned before, is a defense mechanism. This wears off though and what replaces it is the realization of what has occurred and pain. Absolute pain. We are vulnerable creatures and to protect ourselves we express ourselves in different ways. A very common way is Anger. Anger can be expressed in different ways and towards different people and objects. In Ellie’s case, the Anger is supposedly focused on Abby, the killer of Joel, and the people of WLF. But when we delve into it further, it’s not just about Abby and the WLF. Ellie expresses Anger at Joel, at her life and circumstances, and even herself. 

The reason for feeling anger isn’t always obvious. Her anger towards Abby is. This woman has taken someone that Ellie cares for. But when it comes to the other things that Ellie has anger towards, it’s not as obvious and definitely isn’t fleshed out or recognized unless you’ve completed the game. Ellie resents Joel to an extent. That is clear. It stems from him lying to her about the Hospital Incident from The Last of Us Part I. But it also comes from him leaving. Although it was out of his control, Joel is still gone. Resentment and anger can be rational and irrational, just like all of the other emotions and thoughts people have. Ellie also feels resentment towards herself. She continues to struggle with the fact that she was saved. That with giving up her own life, she may have been able to save humanity. That’s a lot for one person. But what makes this even harder to endure, is the fact that Joel made that choice for her. On top of all of this, it’s easy to be angry, and then feel more angry for feeling angry. It’s a vicious cycle that Ellie gets trapped in.

In the world of TLOU, this stage is the most prominent due to the circumstances. Anger allows someone to survive and that’s what the people of this world do. They don’t have the luxury to sit back and go through the Five Stages of Grief properly. Ellie has learned anger and survival from the very beginning and Joel just reiterates it. He cements it in TLOU when Henry and Sam die. Not everyone gets to see or hear this interaction, but here it is; Ellie “I want to talk about it.” Joel “No.” Ellie “Why not?” Joel “How many times do we need to go over this? Things happen. And we move on.” Ellie “It’s just-” Joel “That’s enough.” Ellie “Alright.” Survival does this to you. It suppresses normal feelings and thoughts to allow someone to survive. On top of this, Tommy prolongs this stage too. He’s also trapped within it, taking Ellie with him. 

Let us not forget the hopeful part of this stage though. Again each stage has the underlying fact that you are still alive. That although you have lost someone, you can still live. That hope begins in the presence of Dina. She is Ellie’s rock and someone who almost pulls her out of the stage of Anger, but unfortunately isn’t enough. Ellie is still grieving when she leaves JJ and Dina. She’s dealing with PTSD, depression, regret, anger, denial, and so much more all at once. She’s not living, she’s surviving. She’s putting her own family at risk. And although people would have loved for her to stay with Dina and JJ, she wouldn’t have been happy. She wouldn’t be living.

When Ellie does leave, she is still in the stage of Anger. It was clear that she had thought that she was past it, done with grieving, but with her reliving Joel’s death, she had not progressed through all of the Stages of Grief. This also brings to light the fact that you can also experience the stages more than once. By having an episode like this, it can restart stages such as Denial and Isolation. Grieving is not linear.

3. Bargaining

This stage is honestly one of the most interesting to me. Bargaining deals with the “If only” ideas and statements that people think of when grieving. For Ellie a big one I believe is “If only I had found him sooner.” You can see that from her flashbacks from her PTSD and depression. You can see it in her actions of trying to get revenge on Abby and the WLF. She continues to think and act on these “If only” and “What if” statements and questions. But not just about the specific moment that Joel is killed. She thinks about “What if Joel had let me die? Had let the Fireflies find a cure,” “What if I had stayed with Dina?,” “What if I hadn’t convinced Tommy to also get revenge?,” “If only we didn’t live in this type of world,” “If only I had been able to kill Abby when I had the chance.” 

Ellie is plagued by guilt throughout TLOU2. This stage can eat away at someone mentally. And it does for Ellie. Often times she experiences the Stage of Anger and the stage of Bargaining at the same time. But also experiences them separately. 

4. Depression

There are different types of depression and when it comes to grieving, there are two main types. One is related to more practical implications, like feeling sadness and regret for not spending time with others due to isolating oneself from the grief. It can also be linked with your worries, such as how are we going to bury them, what do we do with their belongings, or in Ellie’s case, how to get revenge. The second is more emotional and private. It’s based on inner feelings of sadness, helplessness, hopelessness, and guilt. 

This stage is something that Ellie suppresses. She pushes these feelings and thoughts down and instead it’s replaced with anger.

5. Acceptance

This is the stage that people may find the most controversial in regards to the game. Many people never reach this stage. Often stuck in Anger and Denial. When this does occur, that’s okay and that’s life, but in Ellie’s case, she does reach acceptance. 

Some people may expect acceptance to lead to instant happiness and moving on. But that is not the case. Acceptance is often marked by withdrawal and a sense of calm. Acceptance is coming to grips with what has happened, who you have lost, and also accepting your own mortality. It’s coming to the conclusion that “I’ve lost someone important, but I’m going to be able to survive, I’m going to be able to continue to live my life.” 

I truly believe that Ellie would not have been able to find acceptance if she had killed Abby. If she had, her own anger would have continued to consume her and she would never make it through the Stages of Grief that she had needed to. Ellie ended a cycle of being driven to only survive. She wasn’t living and that was clear. 

The way that I personally felt from the ending was withdrawn, but also calm, just like the stage of acceptance should feel. Ellie put down Joel’s guitar and left. She didn’t just accept his death, but all of the other things that she was struggling with inwardly and outwardly. A huge thing being the fact that she was kept alive by Joel. She didn’t just accept his death, she forgave him. She continued to live, finally fully grieving for the loss of Joel. She will continue to miss him, but the stages of Denial and Anger probably won’t be present again. She may feel sadness, but it won’t be to the same extent. She may think of those “what ifs,” but will then be able to counteract those thoughts rationally. 

Grief is complex and so was this story. To sum this all up, the writing in TLOU2 is human, it’s real, it’s tough, it’s uncomfortable, and not everyone will like it. If you do struggle with this story, try to be self-reflective. Try to be empathetic towards the people who have enjoyed it, to the writers, to the team of creators, and just to people in general. There’s a reason why TLOU2 makes people uncomfortable, just like The Last of Us Part I did.

#tlou2 #the last of us part 2 #the last of us #tlou #text #so long #PS: Abby was the example of killing the person u wanted revenge against but not reaching acceptance #her story paralleled Ellie's #Killing her would have just led to Ellie experiencing the same shit over and over again #All the psych and social work lectures really coming out clutch rn #Ellie #Joel #Abby #Dina #Tommy

[brittywritesstuff]

Dean used to find the silence of the bunker calming.  After decades of crashing in the Impala or shitty roadway motels, a constant soundtrack of honking horns and domestic disputes to lull him to sleep… he finally had peace and quiet.

But now, the silence feels too heavy.  It feels like a weight on his chest making it difficult to breathe.  That’s the grief, he supposes.  He should be used to grief by now.  But not like this.  Not this one.  

“Dean.”  

Dean startles and looks up, finding Sam staring at him, those ever-present worry lines deep in his forehead.  “What?”

“I’m heading to bed, man.  I’m beat.”  

“Yeah,” Dean grunts.  “Alright.”  He turns away from his brother, his eyes cast downward.  He sits unmoving, waiting for the silence to take over again.  

“Dean…”

Clearing his throat, Dean heaves a breath.  “Yeah?”

“What’s wrong?”

Swallowing hard, Dean blinks and finally lifts his head.  “Don’t you miss her?  Eileen?”  

Sam breathes out heavily, taking up his seat on the edge of the table again.  He’s silent for a moment before his voice cuts through the silence again.  “‘Course I do.  I never… never wanted to live without her, y’know?  We…” He sighs, shaking his head.  “Thought I’d finally found it. Especially after Jess, I never thought I’d find it again.  Till her.”   His voice is resigned, the implication obvious:  he knows Eilieen isn’t coming back, but he still loves her.  He still misses her.  Still mourns her.

Nodding, Dean ducks his head, tears slipping past his lashes.  He sniffles, wiping harshly at his face.  

“Hey.  Dean, what… What’s wrong?”

Clearing his throat, Dean sniffs again.  “Always wanted that.  What you ‘n’ Eileen had.  My whole life, y’know?”  Sam doesn’t say anything, but he nods.  Dean can’t really believe the words that come out of his mouth, but once they’re out… they’re out.  “I think I had that.”  

“What?”  Sam sounds shocked, if a little incredulous.  

“I had it,” Dean continues, unable to shut himself up.  “I had it, Sammy.  Right under my nose.  I--”  With every word, his heart aches more.  It feels like Billie’s grip, and he almost prays for the release death would give him.  “I had it, ‘n’ I just didn’t accept it.  For the longest time.  Too damn long.”  

Sam’s hand is on his shoulder, and Dean doesn’t even flinch.  “Wha-- Well, do I know her?”

Dean scoffs.  “You know them.”  

Dean can’t look up; can’t see Sam’s face, but he can imagine the confusion on it.  “Dean, who is it?”

“I can’t.”

“Dean, you can tell me anything…”

Dean looks down at the jacket in his hand, folded neatly.  His tear-filled eyes are fixed on the bloody handprint wrapped around the left shoulder, and he nearly chokes on a sob as he remembers that moment.  Remembers the look in Cas’s eyes.  Remembers the feeling of Cas telling him he loved Dean.

Dean clenches his fist, then lays his hand over the handprint.  Beside him, Sam inhales sharply.  Dean knows realization has hit him, but he can’t bring himself to look at his brother.  He can’t bring himself to see the look of pity in his eyes.  

It’s enough, in that moment, that Sam knows.  That he’s not dealing with this grief entirely on his own.  He’s filled with despair and regret, but maybe for once he doesn’t have to shoulder it himself.  Cas wouldn’t want that.  And now… Dean would do anything in Cas’s memory to make him proud.  Because no one believed in Dean more than Cas.  No one loved him like Cas did.  

Dean hopes that Cas knew, even just had the tiniest idea, that he loved him just the same.  Just as much.  And most importantly, that Dean will love him forever, even long after his body is swallowed by the earth and the Winchesters become a myth, that love will be forever.  He hopes Cas can feel that, even in the beyond.  

#I'm so sorry #my husband gave me the idea #and the dialogue #and he's the best shipper #destiel #destiel fic #deancas #deancas fic #destiel fanfiction #destiel fanfic #deancas fanfiction #deancas fanfic #angst #mourning #dean loves cas #cas loves dean #dean x castiel #otp: I need you #otp: a more profound bond #otp: i love you #otp: profound bond #dean and cas #sam x eileen #my writing #britty writes stuff

[ordinaryschmuck]

What I Thought About The Falcon and the Winter Soldier

Salutations to you, random people on the internet who most likely won't read this. I am an Ordinary Schmuck. I write stories and reviews and draw comics and cartoons!

Gonna be honest, I didn't think The Falcon and the Winter Soldier needed to be a full-length TV series. I mean, if Spider-Man can discover that he didn't have to replace Iron Man in a two-hour and nine-minute long movie, then the Falcon can learn he can't replace Steve Rogers in the same amount of time, right? I was excited, don't get me wrong, but I didn't know how they can fit a plot for a movie into a six-hour-long series. Unlike WandaVision, which needed to be a TV show to get those TV homages right for each episode, The Falcon and the Winter Soldier didn’t sound like something that would honestly work better as a film. But, once it started airing, and my excitement increased each week, I can positively say that it would not have worked as successfully if it wasn't a TV series.

Unfortunately, I'll have to get into spoilers to explain why, but trust me when I say that if you haven't checked it out yet, you definitely should. Because I'm about to dive in (or fly in) as I explain why The Falcon and the Winter Soldier is easily in the top tier MCU projects.

WHAT I LIKE

Sam Wilson: If WandaVision was about developing Wanda, then The Falcon and the Winter Soldier is about developing Sam. He might share the spotlight with Bucky, but this is so clearly Sam's story. It's his journey of becoming the new Captain America that gets more of a focus, and it is one of the best aspects of the series. And as I said, it's similar to Spider-Man's journey in Spider-Man: Far From Home. Sure, this time, it's more about stepping up to the mantle, but both Sam and Peter have to learn how to be their own hero rather than replace the one left behind. In Sam's case, it's more than just being the new Captain America, but also being the black Captain America. I'll talk more about the implications of that later, but for now, all I'll say is that it was so engaging seeing Sam accept his role. Plus, even though Sam tries to carry Steve's title, that doesn't mean he's Steve Rogers 2.0. He has his own ardor and personality as Captain America, on top of still representing the aspects of what that title entails. Partial credit for that goes to Anthony Mackie, who does a phenomenal job of portraying a man who's inspirational and charming in all forms of hell. I'd salute him as much as I'd want to have a beer with him...except not really because I refuse to touch a single drop of alcohol. But Sam Wilson would make me consider it! Because he's that good of a character.

Bucky Barnes: Much like Vision in WandaVision, Bucky takes the sidelines as Sam acts as the main face of the series. Unlike Vision, however, Bucky's story seems more like its own thing rather than something that's connected with his co-star. In a way, it's better, but it also seems worse. Because without having it be locked with Sam's story, Bucky's is still compelling as it develops him further in his own way. His journey may not be as engaging as Sam's, but it's still entertaining enough to watch his own narrative get continued in small spurts. Although, the fact that Bucky's story has little to do with Sam's does have the unfortunate side-effect that he doesn't need to be there. His inclusion is very much welcomed, but I feel like Bucky dealing with his own guilt and trauma as the Winter Soldier could be something that can fill up its own series rather than half of one. That being said, Bucky absolutely needs to be in this show. The emotional turmoil that Sabastian Stan portrays so well hits hard, and his dry humor works for some comedic highlights. Bucky's half of the story might be unnecessary for plot reasons, but it is unquestionably necessary for enjoyment.

There’s a lot of talking: This seems like a misstep, especially since most superhero shows are bogged down by characters talking to pad out the run time. Although, the dialogue in The Falcon and the Winter Soldier is more like the dialogue in the series Daredevil. There are more words than action, but nearly every line is so incredibly engaging that I do not care. Sam and his sister talking to a banker about getting a loan might not sound as entertaining as Sam being in an air chase against terrorists, but I surprisingly held onto every word being said due to how well-acted it was. Plus, these discussions help make these characters more human on top of making the world feel believable. I understand the argument of show don't tell, but to me, as long as the dialogue is written well enough and said convincingly, I can learn to live with it.

The Flag Smashers: The concept of the Flag Smashers intrigues me. The idea that a group of people believes things were actually better when half the world got turned to dust is a perfect concept for the MCU to explore. In fact, this is the third story in a row that dives deep into the consequences of what happened post-Infinity War and Endgame, and I'm all for it! The universe is forever changed by this one big event, and it's not going to be irrelevant anytime soon. For the Flag Smashers, they offer the most striking glimpse of how the world is forever changed. Now, I'll admit, after seeing doom and gloom in Avengers: Endgame, it would be better to see the benefits of the Blip that characters claim to have existed rather than told about them. But seeing how there were dozens of fans who made the audacious claim that Thanos was right, I don't consider it too far of a stretch to believe that the Flag Smashers could exist. Especially since the arguments that characters present do seem persuasive enough. It's only the actions that the group makes that derail any sense of the discussion. But in a good way...for the most part. But I’ll get into that later too.

The Reveal of the new “Captain America”: This was the dirtiest, sickening punch in the gut that the first episode could have ended on...and I love it!

John Walker: I often find the best antagonists are the ones I'm willing to psychologically analyze. That's John Walker in a nutshell. He is an arrogant ass who deserved to get slapped around when taking things too far. Yet, I always find myself coming back to those scenes where he seems conflicted about becoming the new Captain America. I get a sense that he genuinely wants to do the right thing and those moments when he asks if he is all but confirms it. John's problem is the constant support he's given by his friends. I'd argue that building his ego is the very reason why he gets frustrated so quickly by people denying him, as he often reacts like a toddler who throws a tantrum when a parent makes the "mistake" of saying “no.” This is why it's satisfying seeing people more powerful than John kick the s**t out of him because it results in his ego going through a well-needed deflation. Still, the constant frustrations he has for not being respected as the new Captain America makes his further descent into insanity all the more appealing to watch. Because him taking the super-soldier serum proves Dr. Erskine's theory is true: "Good becomes great. Bad becomes worse."

...And this is why the writers dropped the ball when trying to make John Walker redeemable. It's exceptional if that was the intention. After all, I did say there were glimpses of a man who wanted to become great, not worse. However, given what John does in later episodes, we're going to need more than glimpses to believe his switch from bad to good. Especially since his decision to set his anger aside to suddenly help people is a little too unbelievable for my tastes given how fast it happens. It's not an awful decision. It's just one that needed a bit more polish. I still find John Walker an incredible character regardless, but I don't blame people for being a tad more hesitant given how poorly paced his redemption arc came across as.

Readapting “Star-Spangled Man”: I adore this for two reasons.

Reason #1: It's a solid callback to Captain America: The First Avenger, which I will always stand by as my favorite Captain America movie.

Reason #2: It proves how much John Walker doesn't understand what it means to be Captain America. When Steve did this song and dance routine in his movie, he hated it. Better yet, Steve despised it. Because he wasn't helping anybody. He was just being a dancing monkey to appeal to civilians, and you see how much he regrets doing it with each show. For John, he relishes the whole thing, because of course, he would! John loves having his ego appealed to, and this routine is doing nothing but inflates it. It's a solid case of visual storytelling to prove to the audience just how disconnected John is from being Captain America. Steve or Sam wouldn't have done this, because being a hero is more than respect and adoration. It's about actually doing the right thing. A lesson that John desperately needs to learn.

Sam’s and Bucky’s bromance: You remember how I said that Bucky's dry sense of humor can be a comedic highlight? Well, that's only second rate to the times he and Sam bicker like an old married couple. Whether it's because of the writing, directing, or Makie’s and Stan's natural chemistry, seeing Sam and Bucky interact with each other is always a blast to see. And on top of being funny, there are these well-handled moments of drama shared between both characters that make their relationship convincing. It's why you can't have this series without Bucky, despite it so clearly being Sam's story that gets the more focus. Because without either character, we would miss out on some entertaining interactions that I wouldn't trade for anything else for this series.

Isaiah Bradely: Well, this character was a pleasant surprise. Although, "pleasant" might not be the right word because every scene with Isaiah is absolutely gut-wrenching in all the right ways. Carl Lumbly gives a phenomenal performance for a character that has been beaten down, with very little hope he has for any change that matters for his race. Plus, his backstory may not be as unbelievable as you might think. Between 1932-1972, America performed what is known as the Tuskegee Experiment. Scientists tested the effects of syphilis by injecting it into African Americans, telling them that they were receiving free health care when they didn't. So the idea that scientists tested super-soldier serums on African Americans, not knowing the dangerous effects, is not that far of a stretch. Neither is the knowledge that a black man was disrespected despite fighting hard for his country. If you researched African American history, you'll find that this type of horse s**t happens way more times than it should. It is heartbreaking, and Isaiah Bradley represents all of it. Thus making the little Isaiah exhibit in the Captain America museum all the more tear jerking just because of how sweet it is to see him get some semblance of a win. This level of discussion of what it means to be an African American is something I never expected with The Falcon and the Winter Soldier, but I greatly appreciate it nonetheless. What's even better is that these discussions don't end with Isaiah.

The discussions of racism: Again, this was something I didn't expect, but grateful for it nonetheless. I mean, I should have expected it given that one of the co-stars is black, but given how the story was about Sam being the new Captain America, I didn't think discussion of racism and racial injustice would come into play. Turns out that I was naive to think those things are separate. The burden of being a black Captain America is something that not many white people, including myself, consider a big deal. But looking at America's past and how others react to any African American in power, you realize that, yes, it is a big deal. Isaiah, and several real-life POCs in history, prove that America doesn't respond well to a person of color being better than the average white man. So it is easily reasonable to believe that there would be issues with a black man becoming a symbol of what America should be. Hell, I'm willing to bet that there were issues when this happened in the comics way back when. Not because of some bulls**t about how it doesn't fit with the character or story, but solely because they can't handle a black Captain America. And if you don't believe something like this wouldn't happen to someone like Sam Wilson, look back to that scene with the police who didn't know he was the Falcon. This crap happens every day, and it's The Falcon and the Winter Soldier that shines a light on it. Despite being something I didn't expect, the talks of racism are very much appreciated. And I'm as pale white as an introverted vampire. I can't even begin to comprehend how the African American community must feel about all of this.

Zemo: Who the f**k expected this guy to be one of the best things in the series?!

Seriously, from Captain America: Civil War, I wasn't too into Zemo as a character. I loved the idea that this powerless guy tore apart the world's greatest superheroes through intelligence and coercion. But his needlessly complicated plan and stale personality weren't enough to win me over. So when he returned, I expected to dread every minute of it. Little did I know that Zemo's comeback would skyrocket him into top-tier MCU villain territory!

Zemo is a character that, despite "helping" our heroes, still works on his own agenda. He might put them on the right path and occasionally assist in a fight, but only because he still won't stop at anything to make sure fewer super powered individuals are in the world. Because that's the thing about Zemo: His motivation was fine and understandable to a point, but his personality was flawed in Civil War. Here, I finally see how Zemo can work. Despite having no power, he uses his mind to look for any angle to control the situation, gaining an advantage even if it is for a short time. For instance, while he can't harm Sam or Bucky without risking his own life or jeopardizing his temporary freedom, he can still annoy the hell out of them. Like when he forced Sam into a situation where he had to drink literal snake juice. It's actually a ton of fun to watch, and I'm honestly glad that Zemo gets to live to see tomorrow. It means that he might make another return, and I can't wait to see what's in store for him in the future. Which is something I didn't think I'd say five years ago.

The Dora Milaje: It was actually pretty cool seeing these characters make an appearance, notably when they slapped around John Walker like it was nothing. Although, a part of me wonders that if Chadwick Boseman hadn't died last year, we would get to see T'Challa himself make an appearance. This lines up with the character, as I can see him dropping everything to hunt down the man who killed his father. Which would be just as awesome, if not slightly more so, to see. Still, we work with what life gives us. And what it gave are awesome cameos that make the MCU feel more inclusive about its characters rather than limiting them to their specific sections in the universe.

Walker killing the Flag Smasher: There is something so wrong with seeing that shield stained with blood. 'Cause here's the thing: Captain American can kill. He's a soldier. It's expected for a soldier to take lives for the sake of justice. What John Walker did isn't justice. It was vengeance. Vengeance that is fueled by anger rather than the need to do the right thing. Because when Captain America leads an army to kill the man who whipped out half the universe, that's fighting for a just cause. But when “Captain America” kills a man, the wrong man, for killing his best friend, that is an act of selfishness that no one would see your side on. And it was the final nail in the coffin that proves how John Walker does not deserve that shield.

Sam and Bucky vs. John: This might just be the best fight in the entire series. Not only is it so satisfying to see John Walker get everything that he deserves, but the whole thing was pretty intense to watch. After seeing what John can do with that shield, it makes moments when Sam and Bucky barely dodge his attacks with it all the more blood-rushing to see. Plus, Civil War's motif playing the background is another solid callback that fits well narratively since this is technically two superheroes fighting another superhero. It's an incredible scene that was worth the wait of four hour-long episodes to see.

Setting up Joaquín Torres as the new Falcon: I don't know if Marvel will follow through with this or even if they should. That being said, if they do, I'm all for it. Joaquín already seems like a pretty fun character, and his interactions with Sam show there's enough chemistry there to give Captain America a new wingman. I probably won't lose sleep if he doesn't become the new Falcon, but I'll still be excited regardless.

Madame Hydra: I know that she has an actual name, but I refuse to remember it due to how long and convoluted it is.

Anywho, we get a small glimpse of who Madame Hydra is as a character, but already I'm intrigued. She seems to have a fun personality, added by Julia Louis-Dreyfus' dry energy. Whether this is set up for the next big bad or just introducing a fun character, I'm interested. Madame Hydra was already a blast in the short amount of time she was in the show, and I can't wait to see what future installments have in store for her.

“Louisiana Hero”: Or as I like to call it, "Sam's Hero Theme." Because while this is the track that plays for the intro, it still shows up when Sam is training as the new Captain America. Not only is it insanely catchy, but I love that you hear a hint of the theme of Captain America: The First Avenger, yet "Louisiana Hero" is still very much its own thing. And that's another reason why I consider it Sam's motif because it fits precisely with the character. Sam is a person who has a hint of the good man that Steve was but still does his own thing when wearing the stars and stripes. Not a copy, but still heavily influenced by the original. So kudos to Henry Jackman for creating a musical piece that fits so well with a character far better than any other themes or motifs prevalent in the MCU. Because, let's be honest, there aren't that many.

Sam’s new suit: ...I mean, it looks cool. Kinda corny at times, sure, but points for comic accuracy.

Sam Carrying Karli: I mean, look at it.

This looks like something that should be painted and hung up on a wall due to how beautiful it looks.

Sam’s Speech: Two meaningful things are going on with this speech.

First, it proves once and for all that Sam Wilson is Captain America. He doesn't just fight for his country. He also believes the government that runs it should take accountability for any missteps before dealing with something worse than a person who took the term "rebellious teenager" into an extreme.

Second, it is so satisfying seeing Captain America tell government officials off about unjust treatment. Even if it does diddly-squat about anything in the real world, it's still a big moment that's effective because of the bulls**t that happens every day. It's far from an actual win, but it still feels good (I hope). And that still counts for something, right?

“We’ll need a U.S. Agent”: Credit to Louis-Dreyfus for saying a stupid cornball of a name and making it sound...not that.

WHAT I DISLIKE

Still running that Marvel Studios logo in every episode: It's still a nitpick, but its still annoying. It's alright if you want to use the full fanfare for the first episode, but at least shorten it for the rest of the season. Please? For the love of all that is holy?

The CGI: The Falcon and the Winter Soldier has some pretty...not great CGI. It's not as awful as the CG in the DC shows on the CW, but it is way too easy to tell what looks real and what doesn't. Failing to make CGI convincing has been a problem in the MCU for a while, as most of the time, characters barely look like they really exist in the scene. To me, I compare it to when Red vs. Blue switches between actual animation and Machinima. The CG models stick out like a sore thumb to the in-game models, but at least it looks cool. Because while I don't believe that I'm seeing an actual man with bird wings flying through a canyon while chasing helicopters...it still looks cool. Still, not many people would be as forgiving as I am to this type of thing, so it's onto the dislikes it goes.

The direction of the action: Now I want to clarify that I have no problems with the action itself. Some fight scenes are pretty cool while also added with some exciting set-pieces that kept me engaged the whole way through. It's just the direction of the action that I have issues with. The camera is always shaky with so many cuts that it's hard to follow half the time. It's an understandable technique to hide the stunt double's faces or to make it look like it really is the actual actor who's doing the fighting. The issue is that once you know a show like Daredevil exists, with its plethora of well-directed action, the cracks in the armor become much more noticeable for a series like The Falcon and the Winter Soldier.

Karli Morgenthau: Karli...frustrates me. Because on the one hand, Erin Kellyman does an impeccable job at portraying the heartbreak, frustrations, and determination that Karli has when fighting for her cause. On the other hand, Karli's cause is so layered with hypocrisy that it's hard to understand her position. She wants to prove how the world was better during the Blip, saying that everyone was happier then. So why do things like blow people up and kill “Captain America?” I get the latter. The guy's a d**k. But to prove to people how better things were, is death and destruction really the best choice to get that point across? I get the mentality of how people respond better to a harmful fist rather than a tranquil hand, but really, has that mentality ever worked out either? 

However, you could argue that her hypocrisy is fueled by the super-soldier serum, with the "good becomes great and bad becomes worse" theory that John all but confirms. Although, unlike John, we never got to see Karli pre-serum, so we don't know how much it really had affected her. With John, it's easy as many scenes indicate how close he was to snapping and murdering someone who disrespects him. We don't get that for Karli and are left to assume she was already crazy about thinking how intense violence can show the world how great things were during the Blip.

Then again, that could be the plan. Show how a person with the best intentions is ultimately wrong, given the lengths they go through to accomplish them. It worked for Thanos, so it should work here. And it would have...if not for Sam saying that Karli has a point. Because for the main hero to say that the villain is correct, you have to show them doing more good than bad. I understand the mentality Karli, and the Flag Smashers, have. But by doing nothing but committing crimes and violence, any point they have is discredited. Take note of the fact that nobody but nutcases on the internet says that Thanos has a point. Because he doesn't. He's a maniacal supervillain who does something so intense that nobody should be on his side. It's similar with Karli, but because we're apparently supposed to agree with her, she doesn't work as well.

...DO YOU SEE WHY SHE'S FRUSTRATING?! Because while I can see how she can be an incredible character, there are so many holes in how she works that I fail to appreciate any of it. And seeing how she's the main antagonist, a character who takes up a good chunk of the screen time, it's not a good thing that she tends to flounder more times than she should. I want to like Karli, but given everything that's wrong with her, I just can't.

Rewriting Sharon as the Power Broker: This is an intriguing idea met with a mixed execution. You see, I like the idea of a character who was once an ally becoming a villain, yet the heroes have no clue about it whatsoever. It creates solid dramatic irony, but only if done well. With Sharon, it's not really done well. It genuinely feels like her character was changed radically to give her this personality. A fun personality, I'll add, but one that comes across as really jarring when looking back at her previous appearance. Don't get me wrong, a character's current personality feeling so radically different from their previous one can work a treat, but only when we see them go through point A to point B. We're told about the s**t that went down with Sharon, but unlike understanding the mentality of the Flag Smashers, her personality change would have been more effective if we saw it. So while I like the idea of Sharon becoming another big bad in the future, I would have liked it more if we saw her decline into possible villainy.

------------

By using my usual scoring system for MCU shows and movies, I'd give this season of The Falcon and the Winter Soldier a solid 8/10. There are problems. Quite a lot of problems. Hell, even the stuff I like comes with a fair share of issues. It's just a matter of asking yourself, "Do I like some parts more than I dislike them?" For me, I find myself enjoying much more than I didn't. It's not perfect by any means, but while it definitely falters at times, The Falcon and the Winter Soldier is a series that soars to great heights. You might not be in love with it, but you’ll have a helluva good time regardless.

Now if you don't excuse me, it's time I swap from one superhero series to another as I share my more in-depth thoughts on--

#marvel cinematic universe #the falcon and the winter soldier #mcu reviews #what i thought about

[handlewithkara]

@peggystormborn I think Iris Barry is the exception for a variety of reasons (imo partially race, partially the committment of the writers to the couple). But Oliver and Felicity did A LOT OF triangles before they committed and some of the writing for them was terrible on the romance front. People like to just remember the endgame, but they forget how terrible the road there was (Laurel, Sarah, Oliver marrying another woman, Oliver having a child with another woman, an entire crossover dedicated to a fantasy wedding between Laurel and Oliver, evil!Oliver being married to Kara). Granted in a lot of ways it was because Felicity wasn’t the original OTP and I think it took Marc Guggenheim a long time to finally accept it (I think he’s one of those writers who deep at heart doesn’t really like romance at all, and just eventually only grudingly accepted it, but I think the earlier seasons feel like there was a lot of latent animosity from the writers towards the storyline). 

(and one can debate how Barry/Mirror Iris is something like a triangle, even if it is a triangle made up by writers who desperately want to maintain the “pure” status of an OTP, I mean, as long as you don’t think too hard about the implications of Mirror!Iris [I also think that the fact that Iris and Felicity predominantly don’t have superpowers makes it slightly easier for them to work as a functioning couple])

People thinking that the writers have handled Kara’s Kryptonian relations poorly doesn’t change that if the topic does not interest the writers they are not going to write it (and if they write something really tonedeaf about it, that is usually a sign that they don’t really care about a topic). It’s a very common trait of fanbases to take certain topics more seriously. Criticisms of co-dependency and calls for therapy are very, very common examples of this in a multitude of fandoms. 

You have this all over the Supernatural ending, with people saying “Dean was acting suicidal for years, it sends a horrible message that the show ends up with him dying” and “John Winchester was a horrible father, it’s a horrible message that the show ends up with him being in heaven as part of Dean’s personal heaven and the show never doing a story where Dean recognizes that John screwed him up and fully breaks ties with him” and “the brothers were co-dependant, the show getting rid of all the characters who are not them and making the ending exclusively about them is a horrible message”. 

I think it’s pretty clear that these things weren’t written because the writers intended to send that message, they just clearly see the characters very differently and many things the fans obsess over they see as just not that great a deal. Fans often latch onto characters and stories because they see part of themselves in them and project their own experiences and their emotions about those experiences into those characters (look no further than Lena’s fans and what they think is most important about her character). Fans also love their characters and want their angst to be explored, while most shows just want to keep the plot going. That’s why you will have amost every fandom clamoring how the show should do a therapy plot for their favorite character. To them that makes sense, they love their favorite character, so them sitting on a couch and talking about their feelings of course is going to sound fascinating. Doesn’t mean that the writers tick that way at all. 

Supernatural can show pretty clearly how there can be a fundamental miscommunication between the fans and the creators. Where maybe writers might think that Dean’s dogged loyalty is his most fascinating trait, while fans might think his angsty woobie appeal is his most fascinating trait and his loyalty is boring or just a jumping off point or even actively harmful. Social media and fandom, I think it just has a habit of attracting people who have problems in their real lives and they are likely to project their own problems into these characters, but that does not mean that the writers are anywhere the same headspace (particularly in regards to how abusive or co-dependant a relationship is, I think just like with John Winchester, writers are way more likely to have a more positive view towards relationship and stories like that, because to them, those relationships are something good in their world because they are drivers of drama, providers of dramatic scenes). 

And I think history has shown, no matter how annoying it is to the fans, new showrunners just will not be beholden to the themes and messages of previous showrunners. They will pay tribute to whatever part of previous seasons they like, but they are likely going to come in with their own spin, their biases and their own takes of the characters. 

(for what it’s worth, I theorize season 4 started out with the plan for a sister season, to explore (via Red Kara and Elseworld and Amnesia) what is Alex without Kara, what is Kara without Alex and they just sort of lost the main plot somewhere in the middle between introducing Nia, introducing Lex and poorly thought out political metaphor) 

Right now, what little we know of season 6 makes one hopeful that it could have a significant Alex and thusly sister focused plot, with Alex playing around with being a vigilante and there being rumors of another young sisters episode. 

What is interesting about this is that either of Alex most likely developments, Alex becoming a hero in her own right OR Alex finally getting her baby and family provide interesting jumping off points for Kara to reflect on her own life. This does not mean that the writers will actually take this opportunity seriously, but it is at least possible. 

Alex has been a physical fighter working with Kara since forever, but her getting her own costume could be a signal that she is getting her own hero identity. Alex being her own heroic person rather than just the no-name who supports Kara ideally should be an interesting change up in their dynamics. Either with Kara cheerleading and supporting Alex they way Alex has always supported her or with Kara realizing that maybe she has to step back a little and let Alex be her own hero and trust her that she can handle things on her own (potentially culminating with Kara leaving the protection of the city and Earth in the hands of Alex). 

I could picture Kara having a relationship with William and eventually rejecting him symbolically but I just really wouldn’t expect it to be about Argo. But I could picture a plot where seeing Alex thrive as a hero makes Kara think she has the freedom to kick back and focus on her romantic relationship or focus on being just Kara Danvers for a while (and in the end realizing that that is not enough for her, I just would expect this NOT to be about Kara Zor-El but about Supergirl, Kara realizing that she needs to be Supergirl to be happy even if being Supergirl has made her life more complicated in many ways). 

On the other hand, if Alex were to finally get her child wish fulfilled it could a be a good story to explore what the equivalent is for Kara (while with Alex, she has always been protective of Kara, so her having somebody else to raise and be protective over would also provide good emotional dramatic potential). 

But it could just as equally be that they parallel Alex being happy with a baby and a girlfriend as their little family with Kara just getting William as the nice unproblematic understanding boyfriend, forming their own family unit albeit without a child. Or it could be Kara just getting gratification of being a supportive and loving aunt. You never know. Supernatural shows that just because the fans are convinced that the show will go one way (Family is about more than blood ties! The show will end with showing how Sam and Dean have evolved beyond “the two of us against the world!” and their family unit now includes Eileen, Castiel and Jack) doesn’t mean that the writers see it the same way. 

It’s very interesting in how this reaction mirrors the reaction to the How I Met Your Mother Finale where the writers thought it made sense to circle back to the start and most of the general audience disliked it because they felt the characters had developed beyond the original premise. But it still shows how this particular pattern of thinking is one that writers are very likely to fall into. 

Finales often have a way of exposing whether one’s (or even the audience in general) perception of the characters and their relationships and perceived moral takeaways align with the one’s of the writers. I don’t even think that that is something that can just be “fixed” by telling writers “don’t be the Game of Thrones finale, don’t be the HIMYM finale”. If powerful writers just have a certain perception of characters, that’s just how they see them and they can’t just break out of. 

I guess one can argue that maybe it’s a sign of poor writing (even if it might be good business sense) if a show supports such a variety of readings till the very end (are we watching a story about co-dependant siblings which should end with them lovingly and supportively letting each other go? or are we watching a show about siblings through thick and thin, more powerful than anything?), but I think in some cases it just arises naturally because of the way fans can project themselves into characters in ways that was not intended by the writers and that can’t fully be controlled by them (and since those projections are heavily influenced by people’s very varied personal experiences you also can’t just please everyone).  

#supergirl #kara zor-el #kara danvers #danvers sisters #alex danvers

[mattzerella-sticks]

Breathe, a Supernatural Coda (Sam/Rowena, minor Dean/Castiel) by mattzerella_sticks

With the barrier weakening and the townspeople antsier with every day, the Winchester brothers find it hard to focus on anything that isn't the problem at hand. Sam tries to escape for a little while, but while his body was separated from everyone, his mind stayed in the heart of the gymnasium.

Can a witch spell it out for him that the world isn't burdened on his shoulders? And will Sam listen?

As a child, Sam never enjoyed being called into the principal’s office. The fear went far beyond any normal, high achiever’s life. The long walk from his classroom allowed every possibility to enter his mind, never any good. Extended periods of contact meant more chances he had to slip up and say something he shouldn’t. The wrong answer could lead to an avalanche of problems that would seriously affect the course of Sam’s life. At times he nearly went blue in the face, only able to breathe when the door closed behind him and he was free.

The same unsettledness followed him now as he uses the high school’s principal’s office to pause from the terror unfolding around them. He rests his elbows on the desk, hands cradling his head. Hoping that if he tries hard enough that Sam could wake up from the awful nightmare of the past few weeks. Where God wasn’t the bad guy, his brother and best friend weren’t fighting, and they hadn’t lost anyone.

Blinking open his eyes he sees only scattered papers and plans for renovating the school’s locker rooms.

Sam sighs, leaning back in the plush chair. Someone knocks on the door. He groans softly, scrubbing a tired hand across his face. “Come in.”

Rowena opens the door, peeking her head in. “Are office hours still applicable, professor?”

The joke cuts through the dense fog of worry and forces a wry chuckle from him. “I’m surprised you even know what office hours are.”

“I went on a few dates with a professor. Real bookworm he was, but he sure did know how to…” She fans her face, leaving the reigns of the sentence in Sam’s hands to take it where he pleases.

He leaves it on the side of the road.

“Y’know,” she continues, stepping further into the room, “This kind of suits you… “

“What does?”

“The academic life.” Rowena’s grin curls like her hair, both fiery colors. “Sitting behind a desk, papers and books scattered about… although you’d look more the part with some glasses. And your jacket needs a few patches at the elbows…”

Sam rolls his eyes. “Rowena…”

“Now don’t take that tone with me Samuel,” she lilts, “I might still carry with me some of my old schoolgirl charm, but I don’t require a lecture. It’s been forever since I’ve been a bad girl and…” Her gaze rakes over him like scalding coals. “And I’m not sure you can come up with a fittingpunishment at the moment.”

The implication rolls over him, sweeping through his body. His cheeks heat up, a healthy blush staining his cheeks. A dry rock lodges itself in his throat that won’t budge against his most powerful swallow. Sam’s hands twitch with the need to act so he starts playing with the papers on the desk, organizing them. He ignores the tent pitching in his jeans, rolling the chair further under the desk to better hide his lower half.

Rowena’s expression doesn’t falter, and the only clue she offers into her mind is a spark of violet exploding behind her eyes like fireworks. Enjoying the boiling cauldron she dropped Sam in. She struts closer, running her fingers along the edge of the desk.

“So,” she says, “how are you holding up?”

He freezes. The shift away from her teasing should be a welcome relief, yet he cannot help his spine stiffening. His hands stop fiddling, a stack of papers in his grip. Sam stares at them instead of the risk that comes from dipping his gaze upwards. Afraid that only one glance could shatter his makeshift dam.

It’s not the time. For now, Sam has to keep everything locked away until they close the hellmouth. Or when they find and kill Chuck. Whichever happens first. Only then will he allow himself the chance to fall apart.

He can breathe when he leaves the room.

Rowena clucks her tongue, Sam’s silence too lengthy. “You don’t have to play the brooding hero type, Samuel,” she chides, “Not with me.” Her touch hovers by his shoulder, slowly falling towards it.

Sam clears his throat, spinning around in the chair. Standing, he asks, “I thought you liked it, though?”

“Excuse me?”

“The brooding hero,” he continues, pacing the room, “strong, won’t show his pain… ready with a quick quip or two…” Sam grimaces, “Like Ketch.”

“Oh,” she says, “so that’s what this is about, then?”

“What?”

“Y’know jealousy is very unbecoming on you, Samuel,” Rowena says, each clack of her heel on the linoleum bringing her closer. “I would have figured you’d understand me and Ketch were only playing …”

A knot in his gut, formed after watching them ‘play’ the first time, twists around once more. “Didn’t look that way to me,” he mumbles.

Sighing, Rowena closes the rest of the distance between them. “I didn’t think there’d be any harm in flirting. It’s not every day you run into the man who set you free from an underground prison facility in England. Besides, it’s not like there’s a man in my life who I can play with… at the moment.” She dangles an opportunity on a fishing line for him. Sam regretfully declines, unable to accept without guilt clawing at his lungs.

“Pretty rotten time for flirting,” he says instead, “with the threat of the world ending at any second?”

“If I waited for the world to end, I'd never have time for anything let alone flirt,” she scoffs. “Multitasking never got anyone killed.”

“Neither has prioritizing.”

“I do plenty of that as well.” Sam finally faces Rowena, meeting her expectant smirk with a sullen gaze. “The fact that it’s my own needs over everyone else’s makes no difference.”

Sam attempts a smile, however nothing exists inside him light enough to lift the corners of his mouth. “Some of us don’t have the luxury of thinking like that.”

“Maybe if some people did they wouldn’t have to hide away in high school principal’s offices, would they?”

Frowning is second nature. “I’m not hiding.”

“You were only sitting in a room by yourself in the opposite side of the building, away from the gymnasium,” she says, “ Right . Now, I’ve entertained your attempted distractions long enough. We should discuss what’s really bothering you.”

Sam goes down swinging. “Why don’t you think it was only my jealousy?”

Rowena’s smile falls into a more genuine size as she hugged herself. “Because while I entertain the idea that I’m the star of the show from time to time, I’m self-aware enough to know when the stage lights are burning too bright for me .”

The mistake happened when he turned around. He knew what would happen yet Sam locked eyes with her anyway. Without a word Rowena entranced him, her arched brow like a hex bag. Gaze searching through him like he was one of her spell books. The crazy part, Sam realized, was how safe he felt under her scrutiny. That the dead languages of his emotions were plain English to the Highland witch. How they shared a common tongue despite obvious differences.

Drowning is difficult when someone hands you a life preserver.

Sam shudders. “It’s not important… the ghosts, Hell …”

“It is important, Sam,” Rowena tells him, barely an inch of space between them. She squeezes his shoulder, “ You’re important. We’re in this together… keeping your pain all bottled up won’t help anyone , let alone yourself .”

He gasps for breath, crumpling. Rowena catches him, guiding him towards the ground. She combs her fingers through his hair, whispering spells of encouragement as Sam expunges all the darkness twisting inside of him. From the horrifying realization that God was never on their side to saying goodbye to Kevin, and every nasty bump on the road.

They sit like that, against a nearby bookshelf. Sam’s long legs spread in front of him and Rowena curled at his side. His head rests on his shoulder, nose tucked in so it brushes her neck every now and then.

“...Dean, Dean might look like he’s doing okay but I know he’s not,” Sam says, “I can’t give him something else to deal with. I should be able to handle all of this on my own. I have but I’m… I’m so tired. Everyone’s looking for me to have answers - I mean I was the one who shot God . Everything after that I’ve been… I’ve just been winging.”

Rowena hums, nails scratching at his scalp. Each swipe sends a warm shiver skittering down his neck. “You’re really good at improvising then.”

“I wouldn’t say that,” Sam scoffs, “Firing the Equalizer was spur of the moment. I was… I was so angry. For Jack. For Dean and Cas. For… for me and every shitty thing that happened to me. All because someone was watching my life like I was a fucking Kardashian.”

“What I know about your life, God deserves more than a shoulder wound.” The hand not lost in his hair brushes his shoulder wound. Sam winces at the slight contact. “But then you wouldn’t be here would you, with us. With me .”

“I like being with you.” Sam’s heart skips a beat, the admission slipping past him while distracted by Rowena’s voice and the scent of her perfume. She stills. Sam cranes his neck a few inches so he can sneak a glimpse of her face. Nothing escapes from the mask of indifference she swiftly plastered over her expressions. He looks deeper, and sees a burst of violet that causes his heart to recover and beat twice as fast.

“Your shoulder wound, Sam,” she starts, “May I see it?”

He nods, leaning as far away as he can while staying in her orbit. Sam shucks the jacket, and then unbuttons his shirt fully. His fingers paused at the third button. He could easily pull the fabric to show the rotting flesh. But then the fourth button came undone, and then the fifth, the sixth and all the rest. Slowly he removed his shirt and laid it atop the jacket.

Rowena licks her lips, huffing a breathy laugh. She adjusts herself to better face him, staring at his wound. The spark of magic resting within her, surging briefly throughout their conversation, completely awakens as she inspects the hole. Violet energy suffuses the natural hazel. Lightning pricks at his wound and he bites his lip to keep from groaning. The hardened skin puckers while the energy courses inside it. Seconds pass until finally the sparks stop and Sam tastes blood in my mouth.

“That’s powerful magic,” she sighs, “I’m sorry there’s not much I can do for that.”

Sam musters a smile, reaching forward. He holds her wrist, guiding her hand closer until it presses on his wound. Unlike every other time where a slight pressure or strong breeze would cause pain to flare, her touch brings a rushing calmness. “You’ve already done so much.”

Rowena goes to speak, but nothing escapes her lips. The quietness of the room has its own magic charging the air. Anticipation and possibility combining to create an energy so intoxicating Sam finds himself following without thought.

They kiss, a simple peck at first. After that, though, they quickly succumb to the raging heat burning inside both of them.

Rowena’s hand in his hair tugs on his locks while the other shifts over his heart, tracing the defined muscles. Sam helps her with her own clothes, tearing at her jacket and blouse. When he finds himself tracing skin Sam pulls away to look at Rowena. Gaze at what he imagined for so long, fill in the blanks he never knew. Like how she had a mole above her right hip and a scar tracing her left collar bone. The lacy, black bra he assumed would be under her clothes seemed better than anything he fantasized.

She gasps for breath, smiling. “Like what you see, Samuel?”

“Of course.”

“Well then let’s not waste any time,” she says, guiding him towards the floor, “I’d rather do this before the world ends.”

Sam laughs. An inappropriate gesture, he knows, but the mirth bubbles up so easily at the throwaway comment. Rowena chuckles as well, and between their joy Sam regrets not giving into his attraction sooner. He shakes it away. Not willing to dampen the mood with his own thoughts. Instead he unclasps Rowena’s bra and flings it to the side.

He surges upwards to steal a kiss while flipping them around. In her daze, Sam breaks their embrace and instead captures one of her nipples in his mouth. Sam runs his tongue across it, scraping it with his teeth. With how Rowena claws at his head, Sam knows she enjoys it. Her moans become throatier as he adds his fingers, tweaking the other nipple, leaving neither abandoned.

“Aggressive are you?” she asks, “I would have figured you’d be a sensitive lover…”

Sam pauses, sucking on the nipple until he pops off it. “Is that a problem?”

“On the contrary… I like it when things get, ah - rough .”

He grins, expression darkening slightly. “There’s no other way I know how to do it.”

Continuing tracing shapes and letters onto her nipples, Sam goes through the Latin and the Enochian alphabet before continuing. Sam kisses across her stomach, pooling a slew of them above her pants.

Rowena sighs. “Will you hurry up already?”

Sam grins against her skin, biting at the beauty mark and causing her to yelp. “Let’s see how long we can make this last without the world imploding.”

“ This doesn’t sound like the Sam Winchester from ten minutes ago.”

“You’re right,” he smirks, unbuttoning her slacks, “thank… I, ah… don’t know how to finish that now that I know God’s a dick?”

“You could always thank Satan?” They both shudder. “Right, never mind. Carry on with what you were doing.”

“Gladly.”

Sam plays with her pants, inching the waistband down her hips. Dragging the process out infinitely. When they reach her knees Sam switches over to the matching panty set and pulls them lower as well. Blunt nails tracing her legs and leaving a trail of goosebumps. With both garments pooled at her knees, Sam finally finishes undressing her.

He crawls forward until he’s eye level with her pussy, framed by her ginger bramble. “You look so beautiful…”

“I know,” she says, “so hurry up and use that mouth for other things besides pointless chatter.” Her leg hooks over his shoulder and urges his mouth closer. Sam chuckles, allowing Rowena to push him until he’s buried.

Sam kisses her pussy, tongue lapping at her folds. He creates his own magic by spelling runes into Rowena, the effects rippling across her body. She rakes her fingers deeply into his hair enough that he feels the strands arcing on their return trip.

Like biting into a ripe apple, juices trickle down the sides of his mouth. His grip on her thighs tightened as he squeezes more pleasure out of her. He continues eating her pussy, pushing Rowena closer to the edge of her climax. Grinding on the floor to work his own stiff dick, feels precum dampen and stick to his boxers.

His release doesn’t matter at the moment. Right now he hears Rowena’s breath hitch, can sense her tumbling over the edge.

“Oh, Samuel this is… this is… I think I’m going to - ah… ah ah !”

Her legs nearly snap his neck, Sam reacting at the last second to bend with the pressure. Rowena twitches with her orgasm, riding the high until she floats back towards the Earth. She pants while Sam cleans the remnants of her release.Wipes at his mouth and licks the cum from his hand.

Resting on his knees Sam towers over her, jeans uncomfortable. Rowena rises on her elbows, panting. “That was amazing Samuel,” she sighs, wiping her brow, “You make love like a rottweiler …”

Sam rolls his eyes. He shifts in his pants, adjusting his crotch.

Rowena smirks. “You need a hand?”

He chuckles, unbuckling his belt and sliding it free. “If you’re offering?”

“I’ve always wanted to see what you looked like down there,” she says, licking her lips, “thanks for making a girl’s dreams come true.”

“I wouldn’t say this is a dream come true,” he chides, slapping her roaming hands away, “consider this your… punishment .”

She pauses, catching his gaze. Her face splits in two with a wide grin. “Oh, professor… for you I’ll take any punishment you can throw .”

“We have the time,” he says, “the world’s not ending tonight.”

“Aye, not if we have anything to do about it…”

Sam kisses her again, breathing in the life Rowena so easily gives. His shoulders weight less with her arms around them, and he feels younger than ever between her legs. No one can write an amazing night like this, and in this office with Rowena Sam is more confident that Chuck is powerless to stop them.

There’s no doubt they can do this.

------------------------------------------------------------------

Dean finds Belphegor and Castiel in the breakroom, arguing near the white board. He doesn’t see the person he was actually looking for. Before he can sneak away, however, Castiel catches his gaze and traps him with his gaze. Even under the ugly anger swirling inside of him, each time Dean glimpses the otherworldly blue his heart trips over itself.

But then Belphegor notices his appearance and traipses all over their moment. “Dean,” he says, smirking, “what’cha doin’ here buddy?”

Ignoring the nickname, he addresses the question to Castiel. “Looking for Sam. You seen him?”

Castiel shakes his head. “Sorry, I haven’t seen him in the past few hours.”

Dean nods, ready to turn on his heel. Belphegor coughs, though, drawing his attention. “What?”

“I might know where ol’ Sam is.”

Rolling his eyes, Dean shifts to face the demon impersonating his son. Glares into his reflection on the sunglasses and asks, “You want to share with the class?”

Belphegor shrugs. “Don’t know if I should. Seemed very personal when I stumbled in on them.”

Frowning, he steps closer. “Stumbled in on what ?”

“Y’know the redheaded witch?” he asks, “Well I was cruising the halls of this school, trying to find something to do - it’s so boring here. Anyway I heard moans and was like ‘awesome!’ I mean, sneaking away for a little action while all of this is going on? Sign me up. Except when I walked over to ask if I could join I recognized the voices and, well… let’s just say Sam is probably indisposed for the rest of the night.”

Dean blanches, regret oozing like bleach across his mind in an attempt to forget he heard that. Castiel looks as worse for wear, face tucked away to hide his blush.

“Sounds like they were having fun ,” Belphegor continues, “I think they broke something, too. As I was leaving there was this crash and -”

“Enough,” Dean shushes him, “Or I’ll carry out Ketch’s contract.”

“Someone’s got a stick up their ass,” Belphegor mutters, crossing his arms, “Maybe you wouldn’t be so pissed if you were getting some like your brother.”

“Please,” he scoffs, “there’s no time for any of that.”

“I’m sure there’s a line of people ready to help if you only asked.”

“And what, you’re at the front of the line?”

“I’m sure that belongs to Castiel.”

Dean tenses, every muscle in his body collapsing into itself. Quickly he darts his gaze over to Castiel to find his angel’s eyes wide and staring at him. Every instinct tells him to look away yet he cannot.

His mouth catches on almost immediately. “You’re ridiculous,” he scoffs, “He… he and I - we ain’t like that.”

“Oh, sure ,” Belphegor says, “then I must be crazy. I mean - ‘What about all of this is real? We are’. There’s nothing romantic about that.”

Castiel glares. “You were spying on us?”

“I was passing by!”

“Out!”

“So I can’t stay and watch?”

“ Out !” Together they cast the demon from the room, waiting until he closes the door behind him to relax. Even then it’s not by much.

Dean shuffles in place, aware of the heavy weight on his back from Castiel watching him. He faces the door as he speaks. “He was probably saying whatever to annoy us,” he says, “it’s no secret that we’re… not on good terms.”

Castiel sighs. “I know.”

“I’m sorry if he made you uncomfortable,” Dean tells him, “if the thought of me having feelings for you - like that - uh…”

“Dean…”

He knows that tone. There’s a power hidden inside that melts Dean’s resolve and begs him to drift further. To give into the burning passion inside his heart and damn the consequences. Follow his instincts and make everything up as he goes along.

Dean escapes before the spell fully hits. His jelly-like legs power forward towards the exit. “I’m gonna make another patrol,” he says, knocking his knee against the door as he opens. Hissing, he carries on his departure. The pain faintly playing in the background of his mind. “If you see Sam tell him that.”

Castiel tried calling for him again. Dean wouldn’t stop running until he was far enough away he couldn’t hear his angel’s voice. Then he slumps against the wall, cursing himself.

As much as he wanted to believe Castiel’s words, there was no point. He was an angel, part of Chuck’s domain. As he learned Chuck never gives them anything for free. Whatever ‘real’ existed between him and Castiel was not truly so. It was a gift from Chuck that he could easily take back. A lie that once tasted sweet only leaves a bitter reminder for Dean that nothing golden lasts forever in his hands.

Pushing away from the wall, Dean moves towards the exit.

“Close the hellmouth, and then I can deal with… all of that,” he mumbles, “Or maybe after Chuck… or never. Not at all…”

#Supernatural #Spn #Spn15 #15x02 #15x02 Raising Hell #Supernatural fanfiction #Spn fanfic #Sam Winchester #Rowena MacLeod #Samwena #Samwena fanfic #Dean Winchester #Castiel #Destiel #Destiel fanfic #deancas #deancas fanfic

[naruhearts]

14x05 Watch Notes/Meta Commentary

(This is like, way better than writing separate posts. Why didn’t I do this before?)

I’m currently too busy to write a cohesive review post, though hopefully I have time to do it this weekend!!

- - - -

Leader Sam off the bat!! Hmm hunters are checking in with him now—busy Chief lol

Look at how activity-noisy the bunker is. BODY CAMS as a new hunter system!! Watching and learning epitomized.

Dean’s very involved and on-the-top of his game, although you can definitely tell in terms of ambience that he remains out of place. Again, broken mirror of the Bunker, his Heart and Home.

WTH even is this music??

Interesting...statue of father and child. Father-child relationship emphasized. Father figure and internal development-linked themes as always

Mary/Bobby wearing Michael!Dean and Cas clothes—here we go!! Mirrors!!

IV and blood! It’s the old man they saw.

Maggie in chains. Poor girl.

- - - -

Dying old man’s daughter Sasha saying she needs to sort things out with her father before he dies...she must LET GO. To do that, reconcile your past mistakes with your present self, and look towards the positive future. You’re more than your mistakes. You deserve to be saved. Consistent cathartic themes!! Love it.

AU Bobby totally doesn’t like Dean and Sam.

Similar Dean/Cas dynamic of Cas curtailing Dean’s emotionality lol

“At least he wasn’t like your dad was when I knew him.” Ooooo

BOBBY HAS WALLS, says Mary. Indeed, just like Dean possesses internal walls. Sam and Mary juxtaposed with Dean and Bobby reflecting each other (Dean carrying the BAG OF EMOTIONS, no less). AH!! Bobby clearly established as a Dean parallel. I’m DANCING *serves cake*

People put up walls for a reason, says Sam. There’s the trauma recovery themes surfacing here.

“If you care about him, I think you should [try and find out his reasons for trauma]” —> open communication and deconstructing these barriers to healthy self-process. MORE nudging from the narrative to knock down the psychological walls!! Bobby/Mary are the D/C parallels (DOWN TO THE CLOTHES) depicting what future Dean/Cas (and TFW) should (continue to) learn!! COMMUNICATE and HEAL TOGETHER AS A RELATIONAL UNIT.

lol nice powder Dean

MoTW is weird, popping here and there.

- - - -

Dean still has the bag on, of course.

Dying old man’s daughter Sasha stating her dad is an alcoholic/toxic narcissistic tendencies!! Sasha the Dean mirror; her dad the John mirror.

Yes, Dean staying with her. Here we go.

The BAG OF EMOTIONS IS ON THE SEAT.

Boom, Sasha says she isn’t up for Heart to Hearts with Dean. Then she opened up: her father was away all the time. She worshipped him as a kid. Dean is so obviously reflected by Sasha!!!

JOHN-DEAN once again slathered ALL OVER this narrative.

DEAN TELLING SASHA TO LET GO OF THE PAST YES!!

Omg he literally told her the past is baggage. And the bag is on the seat, right there with him. TPTB directly connecting the bag to psychological baggage stimulated by John Winchester *thumps table* *guys je suis TRÉS EXCITÉE OKAY*

“Is that what you do?” Sasha asks Dean. Dean says he TRIES. Oh, Dean, you WILL SUCCESSFULLY LET GO, as well.

AU BOBBY HAS A SON DANIEL

MARY FIGHTING DANIEL

Daniel was killed by angels :o But here he wasn’t real—he was a caricature!

Bobby chose Mary over his son. He’s AFRAID TO LOSE MARY. That is his worst nightmare. Continuous Bobby/Mary = Dean/Cas 😭

Not to mention it could be a deliberate callback to Mary—despite knowing that Azazel will come for her family—going through with the demon deal so she can save John! Mirrors reflecting mirrors reflecting mirrors, eh? Season Reflections 14.

John/Mary = Bobby/Mary = Dean/Cas. Upholding previous season ROMANTIC mirrors.

Dean’s “Sasha, will you make me a sandwich?” smh

IT’S A DJINN OMG

Michael!Dean asked the djinn to do it—to kill as many hunters as he can.

Djinn is the reflection of Michael too: capitalizing on his victims’ INSECURITY and FEAR via reaping their minds to manipulate them (“Weaving our poisonous webs inside people’s minds.”) Because of Michael, he can bring the nightmares out into the world.

wtf DJINN can’t even SEE into Dean’s mind. “You...you...” (or maybe he DID SEE, and WHAT was there for him to see?). MICHAEL IS SETTING TRAPS @dimples-of-discontent yes, he’s the HUNTER (as he’s said in 14x02), cooking up strategic plans. Michael not being truly gone. Hiding in plain sight.

- - - -

Sasha telling Dean you can’t change the past. ABSOLUTELY. Instead, you can change the future!

THIS IS WHAT SHOULD (AND WILL) HAPPEN FOR TFW, especially DEAN! Dean Depressed Winchester must die so Dean Self-Actualized Winchester can live.

Aww Dean is proud of Sam (man, the bunker’s BUSTLING). Toxic Brodependency cannot be found anywhere in the current narrative and I’m delighted. It’s genuinely dead e.g. when Bobby berated Sam, Dean didn’t retaliate.

Mary patching up Bobby’s wounds. Bobby (also a John mirror in certain respects seeing as he’s Mary’s romance-coded replacement) saying Hunting is what got them through life.

Mary telling Bobby it wasn’t his fault = Cas and Dean’s own past instances of emotional disclosure and reassuring each other. Mary/Bobby Heart to Heart. Mary/Bobby everything. Oh, and Bobby’s left arm/side was bandaged by Mary. I’m loving the romantic subtextual Reflection cake of D/C ;-;

**sigh these two lovers**

Bobby not knowing any other way to live besides hunting, but MARY CLAIMS THEY WILL FIND ANOTHER WAY (“Don’t give up on me”)—introducing alternative positives/narratively reflecting Cas’ role in Dean’s life as his anchor. Dean, who knew no other way of life until Cas came into the picture, and then, over ten years, Cas induced Dean to dare hope, to believe that he DOES deserve to be saved, to HAVE/BE what he always wanted to have/be e.g. umbrella drinks, toes in the sand, matching Hawaiian shirts, watching movies and eating pizza together 😭 Full circle Bobby/Mary mirror narrative of Dean and Cas’ interpersonal bond. POSITIVE ENDGAME. Can you believe this episode?! It were SO substantial on the Mirror front.

BOBBY AND MARY ARE TAKING A BREAK AND GOING ON AN EXCURSION TO DONNA’S CABIN. Talk about potential foreshadowing? *rubs hands together* *ever-shifting TFW dynamics*

Speaking of, Dean was the one telling Mary to go with Bobby :’) *Sam telling Cas to go with Dean, his parental figure—Dean and Cas splitting off from Sam to take time off (or HUNT) together as the final nail in the Brodependent coffin? Dean relinquishing his parental duties permanently as he FREELY commits himself to/loves Cas emotionally and mentally? *Yes please!!* *Someone calm me down I’m getting ahead of myself :P*

GARTH!

Dean again disclosing that Michael affected him, that he should let go and move on (from his trauma, from his past mistakes, and the deep-rooted internal prisons, depressive/repressive tendencies, and unhealthy self-process John unloaded within him. Bobby expressed regret over bringing Daniel to war —> pertaining to soldier!Dean destroyed by neglectful John). We know Dean’s successful catharsis, healing, and trauma recovery takes time, patience, and persistent mental/emotional effort. He has his family as his holistic social supports.

Sam’s so hopeful in saying they can kill Michael.

- - - -

Oh my gosh, alright, so this episode was superbly written by Glynn in terms of Love, Family, Trauma Recovery, and Catharsis themes that were evidently maintained for S14, and don’t even get me started on the borderline tangible Dean/Cas and Bobby/Mary reflections!! The Past will die. The Future will live. Before one can step into the future, TFW must let go. Rectify past mistakes by holding onto your supports. Dare to dream. Dare to hope. Dare to LOVE. ‘Things don’t have to end this way’—end badly. The Self can be healed, and opening yourself up is the first step. Face the mirror and accept what you see. Deconstruct your traumas and jump over those hurdles. Only then can you fully embrace self-actualization. Also, Dean’s character progression excites me (plus the very positive D/C implications Bobby/Mary relayed throughout the ep) and I cannot wait to see him crack the walls further as the season unfolds!! I’m sorry for the sloppy thoughts, but y’all can assume that I’ll be rewatching it at some point :’D

SOLID 7.5/10

#supernatural #14x05 #spn s14 #my stuff #spn spoilers #my meta #spn s14 speculation #deancas #destiel #FATHERS TRAUMA AND PASTS OH MY! #narrative #character development #tfw #sam winchester #dean winchester #john/mary #mary/bobby #performing!dean is dead (will die) #Season Who You Are 14 #parallels #Reflections #dean depressed winchester must die so dean self actualized winchester can live #JOHN WINCHESTER #long post for ts #the bag of emotions #(emotional) bag(gage) #the bag #silent storytelling #there was a lot of GOOD stuff in here #some was borderline narratively obvious

[postmodernmulticoloredcloak]

About the Musca, Cas, Dean and (queer) sexuality in 14x06

There are many little callbacks to season 7 in the episode, from Harper’s deception that reminds of Jeffrey with his demon to the very slogan ‘reading is fundamental’ inside the library, and I am pretty sure that the very specific choice of black goo as the characterizing trait of the Musca is supposed to remind us of the other famous black goo monster we’ve met in the show, the Leviathan. In an episode where we are subtly reminded that the Charlie from the apocalypse world never had to deal with Leviathans, because the Castiel there never opened Purgatory and Richard Roman was never possessed by anything... she and Sam have to deal with a different black goo monster. (Slightly out of topic, but also interesting how Sam was ‘well and truly alone’ at the end of season 7 and now he praises the benefits of being among others to Charlie.)

But the Musca doesn’t really have much in common with the Leviathan, when we consider the monsters themselves. A human-fly hybrid who tends to stick inside hidden communities except for the occasional bad egg... shapeshifting cannibalistic monster divided in multiple bodies... we have to widen the scope of our perspective to see what kind of parallel hides here.

The Leviathan were (was?) a mirror for both Dean and Cas. This is not the place to digress in this direction, but the split-in-conflicting-parts, shapeshifting, self-devouring creature represented Dean’s issues with identity and mental health, and Cas was counterposed to Dick Roman in multiple ways. The Leviathan can be even seen as an allegory for their relationship - they get out of Purgatory as Dean and Cas’ relationship shatters, they get defeated by Dean and Cas working together as they reconcile.

What about the Musca?

A creature ‘hybrid between a man and a fly’ who has left his community just reminds me of Cas, who for all intents and purposes is currently a hybrid between a man and a fly angel, and has left heaven. But of course, the similarities just highlight the differences. Cas didn’t leave heaven because he couldn’t find a mate, but rather... because he has found one, but, unlike for the Muscae, that’s not what he was supposed to do.

“When a male fails to find a mate, he abandons his community and starts using people's bodies to nest” - in Cas’ case, he’s used a person’s body because that’s how angels function. Muscae are not supposed to behave like that, but are supposed to stay among themselves, mate within the community, and mind their own business. Angels instead are ordered to go on earth to perform tasks on behalf of heaven: that’s why Cas had to possess Jimmy in season 4, or the lady in 1901. Angels pick vessels because heaven sends them on earth to interfere with humans’ business.

The way Charlie and Sam speak about Muscae is reminiscent of how Dean and Sam and Bobby spoke about angels in 4x02. They appeared in books, but supposedly no one had seen an angel in a very long time... Charlie and Sam also doubt that Muscae exist because supposedly no one has ever seen them, but it becomes clear that someone must have seen them, otherwise where would the information in the book come from? We learn the same about angels - Dean might not believe they exist, but plenty of people have seen them before or interacted with angelic things in some way...

So the Musca is an anti-Cas of sorts. This Musca left a community that cared about him, even though he’d abandoned them, and lived in isolation and squalor, just “pining” (hello, little scented trees) for companionship. Cas has left a community that didn’t care about him as a person, and has chosen a loving family instead. He’s been doing his fair share of pining, of course, but in a completely different context.

His angelic ‘family’ cared about him when he acted like ‘an angel’s angel’, and shunned him when he started acting more human-like... which was his real personality all along, but he simply had not had the opportunity to explore that part of himself. This journey been coded as a coming out/transition of sorts, and Cas’ human family as the found family that welcomed Cas while his ‘biological’ family would not accept his truth regarding his identity and relationship choices.

Sort of like the Musca, he could not find companionship within his original community, but unlike the Musca he found genuine companionship outside of it. He’s been pining, it’s not been perfect and it still not is, but he has found love, not death and squalor. From the perspective of a ‘regular’ angel, though, living among ‘mud monkeys’ is not really that different from the Musca living in filth and dead people. But Cas knows better.

What about Dean? Now, keep reading if you’re not the kind of person who dismiss interpretations of a text as a ‘stretch’, when in fact text means fabric and a fabric that doesn’t stretch tears, so a good text is a text that can be stretched in multiple directions.

Also warning for mention of gross homophobic stereotypes and the Aids crisis.

The Musca’s isolation is textually linked to sexuality. He can’t find a mate, so he abandons the community. He lives in squalor and dirt, surrounded by corpses. Things have changed a bit lately, but if you go back not too many years this is the picture that a homophobe would paint of homosexuality/queerness. A man who won’t marry a woman (non-monogamous bisexual men or men who can be in relationships with women but not in a heteronormative, ‘proper’ manner also count) and becomes isolated from his community as a result (of course, for homophobes the only ‘real’ community is their own heteronormative society, as they don’t believe queer bonds are real or positive) and chooses a lifestyle of loneliness, filth and death, which is something I’m having a hard time even typing but homophobia’ll be like that.

In support of this kind of interpretation we have the other subplot of the episode. In the Harper-Vince-Jack storyline, there is a theme of ability/inability to create a family. That’s the card Jack tries to play in order to change Harper’s mind about having Vince kill him - that she’ll never be able to have a family with Vince: “what would it be like to be with someone alive? Who could walk you down the aisle in front of the whole town? And start a family with?”.

Interestingly, he also talks of a love that can be lived openly and publicly, which has all sorts of subtextual implications. Homophobic ideas of same-sex relationships are exactly those - you cannot have a normal marriage in front of the whole town, you cannot start an actual family. ‘But you won’t be able to get married and have children’ is a typical homophobic response to someone coming out - especially from parents who want their kid to give them grandchildren. Of course those are bullshit because hiddenness isn’t inherent to queer relationships/identities, but is due to the threat of homophobic violence (physical, emotional, economical...) and plenty of same-sex couples would get married and have/adopt children if there weren’t laws that forbade them to.

A lot of parents also act grief-stricken when their child comes out to them because they’re genuinely convinced that being queer automatically means a life of suffering and loneliness (and don’t get me wrong, in many places and situations being queer not a walk in the park, but it’s not an automatic sentence to pain and desolation).

Basically, the life of the Musca after leaving his community is pretty much what homophobes think of life and relationship as a queer person (especially a queer man or a queer amab person). A “bad egg” (a bad egg is an egg that has no use for either reproduction or nourishment) that leaves his community to pursue a lonely lifestyle inextricably linked to death.

But what about Dean? Let’s jump back to season 1.

This post is already pretty long so I’m not going to delve into detail here, so let’s just get to the point: the show establishes in the first couple of seasons that Sam feels like a freak because of his own direct connection to the supernatural. He doesn’t feel like he fits among ‘normal people’ because of his personal and family history. Dean, on the other hand, feels like a freak who cannot fit among ‘normal people’ because... he embraces the lifestyle his father has put them on, because he can’t stand the idea of losing his father’s approval because without his father approval he’d be alone, because people always leave him, because... you know the drill.

Unlike Sam who tries to fit with the normal people, Dean rejects entirely the idea. He knows he’s not normal and won’t ever belong in a suburb. He seems to embrace the hunting lifestyle, no connections, just fun hookups with no strings attached... Obviously we find out pretty soon that Dean craves for connections, that he clings to the concept of being a ‘good son’ because he fears that everyone leaves him, so he tries his best not to be abandoned by his father. He is haunted by the idea of being abandoned by everyone until he remains alone. And he clings to family because he’s convinced that he cannot really have anyone else other than blood family, because who would want him?

And over the course of the show, he finds people. He loses many, but he keeps collecting new family members - not tied to him by blood, but found family. He learns that family doesn’t end in blood, and then he also learns that it doesn’t start there either. He redefines family. If people didn’t keep dying, he would have pretty much a commune by now.

He’s not arrived to the culmination of this journey yet (I’m assuming there’s a culmination of a journey because this is storytelling and it’s not random and intricate as real life is) but he is nowhere near that young man who clings to sticking to the ideal conduct his father expects from him because he thinks that if he loses his blood family he’s lost it all, who is terrified of loneliness and deep down suffers how he’ll never be able to settle down with a respectable wife in a nice little house.

He used to think that he couldn’t have love because love was for people who could get married and have children and a dog and a white picket fence. Now he acknowledges that love comes in all shapes and forms and can be ‘crazier’ than something already pretty weird. He has realized that family can be found outside of blood relations, and that blood relations alone don’t make family; and he has realized that love exists in many forms, including weird, crazy forms. He can have family and he can have love even if he doesn’t fit into certain schemes.

I’m not sure I’ve made justice to the topic with this post but I guess it’s long enough for now, I’ll end it here :)

#my spn thoughts #spn meta #spn 14x06 #dean and queerness #cas and identity #cas and the angels #spn

[demonologist-in-denim]

Never got around to posting this. Better (years) later than never, I suppose.

10x22 just aired, and my heart is broken. I'm a complete sucker for the whole redemption story, and I really expected that Crowley's redemption would be heart-felt, and maybe even necessary for Dean this season. If Crowley, of all people, can be saved, can want to become more than a monster, than surely there is hope for poor Dean, who thinks himself broken and scarred and beyond saving.

I am not ashamed to admit it - I watched the Crowley & Sam scene from 10.22 over and over and over again, analyzing each line of dialogue. And I don't think that the writers are telling us Crowley is going back to his evil ways. I think he's seriously hurt by Sam's betrayal, and is just lashing back, maybe even saying to himself, "Screw this, you want me to be a monster? I'll be a monster."

When Sam confirms that he doesn't trust Rowena, Crowley asks rather sincerely, "then why?" implying he thought they were long past being enemies. His next thought - logically - is that she's holding something over him. He actually trusts Sam to be a good enough person that there much be a logical reason that Sam is turning on him, not really considering that only Dean recognizes Crowley's increasing humanity and good intentions.

Then we learn he's been trying to make changes to Hell. The implications of that! Why didn’t we see more of this throughout the season? I've had plenty of thoughts about this before, about how a demon tainted with humanity might be uncomfortable with Hell, and with enough authority, might try and change things for the better of the (innocent, wrongly imprisoned, sold-my-soul-to-save-my-brother) souls trapped there.

When Sam asks "and am I supposed to be impressed by that?" and Crowley shouts back "YES!" I thought, well of course he wants you to be impressed! In the church, during the last trial, Crowley asks Sam what to do, how to obtain forgiveness, and Sam says, this is where you start. As much as the bromance is between Dean and Crowley, I felt like this exchange in 10x22 was a throwback to that moment in 8x23. Of course he's wanting to impress the boys with his efforts to change, to prove to them and himself he's not as much a monster as before. If there is anyone's approval, respect, and eventually affection he desires, it's theirs. Rowena was just a poor substitute that made Crowley realize what it was he needed/wanted.

And then came the most painful part, the line meant to convey to everyone watching just how much longing Crowley feels and is forced to hide. "I thought, if I did...better..." There was so much humanity, so much longing and pain in that one word. That's why I love Mark Sheppard so much; he really packs the punch where it hurts the most. "Better.” How to definite better, even by a demon's standards? We were supposed to feel how much effort he's putting into being better than he was, how much his humanity is rising to the surface.

And Sam's not wrong. He's not wrong about any of it. Dean is coming apart at the seams, to the point he's barely human. He's more a monster than ever, and in counter to that, Crowley seems like more of a human than ever. And Sam is right about Crowley being both a ontological and moral monster - the things he's done are, as he says, "horrible, evil, messy," and he is clearly having a difficult time dealing with that. The mere fact he recognizes those acts as evil means he can tell the difference between the humane and the monstrous. Sam isn't wrong about Crowley still being a monster, but it also blinds Sam to how much Crowley has changed, how much he's striving, against his very demonic nature, not to be a monster anymore.

Crowley’s reaction is the response of someone in pain. He's thinking, "he's right, I am a monster, and there's no point in pretending otherwise or trying to be something more" and retreating into the darkness because it's easier. In that darkness, he doesn't have to face hard truths about himself or deal with doubts or longings or Sam's harsh rejection. Easier to not feel anything, to be numb, to be hated, than to be rejected for being a broken, crippled, stumbling soul, continuously short of acceptance, forgiveness and redemption.

There is no way that Crowley is going back to his pre-cure self. The SPN writers having put too much effort into this very long story arch for Crowley, starting with the third trial, the blood addiction, his having feelings, then his demon buddy pairing with Dean, to working with the boys and Cas to remove the Mark. In small ways, Crowley has shown he wants to be a part of the team, and to be a better person, but he also can't let go of his demonic impulses, and maybe his own non-demonic desire for power and respect.

I'm going to close this very long rant by saying after Dean and Crowley had their heart-to-heart about family in 10x17, I am absolutely convinced this is not the end of Crowley's struggle for redemption. After all, what else could it mean his saying to Sam, "I thought it might actually mean something."

It means something to all of us. It means a lot. 

@thayerkerbasy

#supernatural #spnfamily #crowley #crowley deserved better

[abadoodlesss]

Sometimes The Job’s Worth It - Chapter Six

Read previous chapters here

Next Chapter

Summary: Finally, we make it to the bunker, of course not without a few bumps in the road/some life-altering news for Jane.

A/N: There’s going to be a kind of drastic canon divergence because I came up with his story before really thinking about if it works within the rules set by the SPN canon. Instead of waiting to post and trying to come up with a new plot/spoiling the whole series for myself by doing too much research (quick thanks to @winchesters-favorite-girl for answering my question so I didn’t have to get major spoilers), I’m sticking with my original plan even if it breaks a few rules. I hope you can forgive me 😅😅 

Fourteen hours.

From the dingy motel in Ohio to the bunker in Kansas.

Jane was stuffed in the backseat of the Impala, squished between the boy’s duffle bags and her own luggage for thirteen hours so far. Only another hour to go, but it felt like an eternity. She was ready to kill someone, possibly herself at this point, as the wheel from her luggage whacked into her temple for the thousandth time.

Dean had insisted that they drive straight to the bunker, only taking breaks for food and the bathroom. He sat now in the driver's seat, slightly regretting that decision as he stared intently at the road, trying to keep his eyes open. He refused to let Sam drive, even for a few hours. Dean just wanted to get everyone to the bunker as soon as he could.

His eyelids were starting to flutter closed. He quickly shook his head, refocusing on the road rather than how tired he felt. Dean didn’t sleep well last night. There was something in the pit of his stomach, a queasy feeling that kept him tossing and turning for a few hours before he was able to fall asleep.

A yawn slipped past his lips. He let his heavy eyelids close just for a moment.

It was either Sam and Jane’s yelling or the honking from another car that caused Dean to shoot up and swerve the Impala back into the right lane.

“Holy shit.” Sam muttered under his breath. “Pull over.” He demanded.

“I’m fine.” Dean insisted but with one look at Sam’s Bitch Face™, he complied.

Dean pulled over onto the side of the road, rubbing the tiredness away from his eyes.

“You need a break.” Sam said, opening the door so he could switch seats with Dean.

“I’m fine, Sammy.” Dean growled back, gripping the steering wheel tighter as he blew out a breath.

Sam scowled. He knew something was up with Dean. He was acting slightly jumpy and a little more gruff than usual. He was so focused on the road, barely wanting to take breaks. It seemed like Dean was trying to hurry, what for, Sam didn’t know.

“Well, I could use a break.” Jane called from the backseat. “Can we stop somewhere, get something to eat?” “Yeah, I could use a stretch.” Sam added.

“We’ll be at the bunker in less than an hour.” Dean said.

“I’m going to die of starvation if I don’t get some chips in this stomach.” Jane cried.

“You can wait forty minutes, I promise.”

“This is child abuse.” She grumbled

“Alright, fine, quick stop at the next gas station.” Dean said, defeated, throwing Baby into drive and heading back down the road.

“And then I drive.” Sam added.

“I really am fine, Sam, just a little tired.”

Sam looked unconvinced but dropped the subject. “Alright, just find a gas station before Jane eats her own arm off.”

Jane was perusing the candy aisle as Dean searched for some snacks, Sam trailing behind him.

Out of the corner of his eyes, Dean could tell Sam was staring at him. He looked like he was trying to decode something important, concerned and confused yet determined. Dean decided to ignore the look, rather focusing on what bag of chips he wanted.

“Are you alright?” Sam asked after a few moments of staring.

Dean sighed. “How many times have I told you I’m fine?”

“You don’t have to lie to me.”

“I’m not lying, Sam.”

“You are, which is more concerning because I know you’re hiding something.”

Dean didn’t see a reason to keep things from Sam anymore. Sam would eventually wear Dean to the point where it’s just easier to tell the truth than to deal with his incessant questions and worry.

Scanning over to the top of the aisles of the convenience store, Dean found Jane was perfectly out of earshot, deciding between a bag of pretzels or cookies.

“It’s Jane.” He admitted, turning to Sam.

“What about her?”

“Something’s going on.”

“Want to try being less vague?”

He didn’t want to be specific. He didn’t want to be right.

“It’s just the demon attacks, I mean twice now in just a few days…”

“Dean I told you, our life is dangerous and you decided to wanted to drag Jane into it. We’re going to have to accept that-”

“No, Sam, I think they’re targeting her.”

“Haven’t you learned by now, Dean? When people get close to us- You see this is why I didn’t want-”

“No, this isn’t about us. They were coming for Jane before she even knew who we were.”

“I think you’re thinking too far into this Dean. I mean, what would they even really want from Jane? She’s just a normal girl, like everybody else.”

“I know, I just- I want to get to the bunker and-”

The bell above the door to the gas station gave a cheerful ring, interrupting Dean’s sentence.

A petite woman walked into the convenience store. She was wearing a large coat, the fur lined hood covering the majority of her face. The woman stood on the doormat, scanning the store quickly before her form rippled and she was suddenly in the same aisle as Jane.

Dean was sprinting before Jane even noticed the woman.

“Hi, Janie.” The woman called, taking off her hood.

Jane turned, dropping the bag of chips in her hand as she came face to face with the same demon woman that attacked her last night. The woman grabbed Jane’s arm with a wicked smile as Dean skidded into the aisle.

“Back off demon bitch.” Dean said, firing three bullets into the arm grasping onto Jane.

It wasn’t enough to kill the demon, but it was just enough to make her draw her arm back in surprise, giving Jane the chance to rip her arm away. She ran behind Dean as Sam came into the aisle, throwing Jane behind him as well.

The teenage boy sweeping the floor let out a slew expletives as he ducked behind a display of candy canes. “I-I’m gonna call the cops if you don’t get out of here.” He called from his hiding spot, his voice wavering.

The demon woman - Christine, as Dean knew her - rolled her eyes. She flung the poor boy against the wall, leaving him to crumple on the ground with a groan.

Sam broke away from his brother to attend to the boy laying limply on the ground. He dragged the boy behind the counter, checking to make sure the kid was still breathing.

Dean kept his gun trained on Christine, though he knew it wouldn’t do much good if it really came down to it. Jane stood behind him, clutching onto the back of his jacket, her hand had a slight tremor in it.

“Why don’t we make this easier on everybody? Just hand over Janie and I’ll be on my way.”

Jane’s grip tightened on his jacket as she cowered behind him. All Dean wanted to do was assure her everything was going to be fine, but he wasn’t too sure himself.

“What do you want with her?” He asked as Christine came forward, unafraid of the puny gun trained at her.

She disappeared from Dean’s sight, appeared behind Jane, twirling her finger around a lock of Jane’s hair. “She’s a very special girl.” She said, circling around the two. “Very useful.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Jane asked, finding just enough courage to speak up.

“You, sweetheart, are destined for very great things.”

“She’s not apart of anything you’re plotting, bitch.”

“Oh but she is. Janie here has very special blood coursing through her veins. The blood of Cain and Abel.”

Dean’s heart dropped for a second. He knew demons weren’t the most trustworthy, but if she was telling the truth, the implications were catastrophic.

“She’s not a Winchester.” Dean said, praying for a moment that what he was saying was actually true. Jane deserved better than being a Winchester.

“How self centered of you, Dean. You don’t have to be a Winchester to be a descendant of Cain or Abel.”

Jane came out from behind Dean. “What does that mean?” She asked hesitantly.

“Jane.” Dean warned trying to step in front of her but she wasn’t listening.

“Let the girl speak, Dean.” Christine said, flinging Dean into the shelves.

“Dean!” Jane cried, afraid to move but desperately wanting to help Dean up. The demon stalked closer. Jane felt herself freeze.

“Your blood it very special. You have to power to be the vessel of someone very important.”

“What-”

“Exorcizamus te, omnis immundus spiritus. Adiuramus te, cessa decipere humanas creaturas, eisque aeternae perditionis venenum propinare.” Sam’s voice projected around the store. He sat behind the counter using a phone from the wall to call over the intercom.

The demon’s mouth opened wide as she let out a pained scream, a cloud of black smoke shooting out and flying away.

Sam flung himself back over the counter, coming to Dean’s side.

“I’m fine.” Dean said as he got up with a groan. He cradled his right arm to his chest as he winched.

“What the actual fuck just happened?” The boy asked, groggily peeking over the counter.

“I’d like to ask the same thing.” Jane said.

“Let’s just get to the bunker first, okay.”

It wasn’t really okay. Jane had questions buzzing around in her mind. Everything the female demon said confused her but also spiked her curiosity. What did any of it mean?

She internalized her thoughts as the three of them left the convenience store, Dean checking one final time if the cashier boy was alright.

She sat silently in the back of the Impala, squished again with an uneasy feeling in her stomach.

They arrived outside of the bunker. Sam and Dean grabbed their bags, taking out Jane’s luggage while she looked at the scene before her.

She climbed out of the car at looked up at the looming brick and concrete building.

Dean came beside her, handing Jane her luggage. “Let’s head inside.” He said, making his way to a short staircase that led down to a door.

“Wait this is actually like an underground bunker?” Jane asked. When they told her about the bunker she assumed it was just a safe place, not an actual underground concrete box underground. She had seen war movies of compact, cold, claustrophobic rooms with bunk beds and no space. The idea of living in such a small space made her a bit anxious.

“You coming?” Sam asked. Dean was already inside but Jane had just been staring at the door.

She grabbed onto her luggage and followed behind Sam. It couldn’t be too bad.  

Walking inside, Jane forgot bad was even in her vocabulary. The place was extraordinary, not to mention massive.

“Let’s go find you a bedroom.” Dean said, leading Jane past everything she wanted to explore. Sam tagged along, promising to give Jane a full tour afterward.

They came to a long hallway with hundred of doors.

“That one’s mine.” Dean said, dropping his bag in front of his bedroom door.

“And mine’s down there.” Sam said, pointing a few doors down.

“Besides that though, you can pick any one you want.” And she did. Jane chose a door an equal distance from both Sam and Dean. 

Opening the door she found a rather plain room. A queen sized bed was centered against the back wall. The walls were painted beige and there was a single dresser on the right wall, opposite a closet door.

“It’s a bit plain, but you’ll have time to make it all your own.”

Dean wasn’t wrong, the room was boring, but it was hers. She had a place to call her own. After traveling from motel to motel or spending hours in the Impala, it felt nice to have a place to really live in, to have privacy in. It was almost strange to her though, to have a bedroom again. To have a place that functioned as a home again. To be apart of a semi-normal family again.

“It’s perfect!” Jane said, running into the room and jumping onto her new bed. “Finally, I have some space!” She said, spreading out her limbs.

The brother’s chuckled from the doorway. “I’m glad you like it.”

Jane sat up. “Thank you, guys.” She said softly, feeling overwhelmed at the moment at the idea that her life was getting back to normal but also that it was so different. She was thankful though, she knew she could be in much worse places but she was lucky enough to have the Winchesters. “I honestly owe you so much.”

“Don’t sweat it, kid.” Dean said, dismissing her gratitude that he always felt like he didn’t deserve.

“No really. I don’t know where I’d be right now without you guys. Probably dead but you keep me safe and you care about me and” She was getting a little choked up. “Sorry.” She said with a sniffle and a laugh. “I’m being so dramatic. I just appreciate everything you’ve done for me.”

Dean’s chest felt warm, like his heart was swelling. He was happy Jane was happy. But there was the underlying feeling that he shouldn’t be so happy. Jane didn’t know how bad their lives got. She didn’t understand that her life would, in turn, be the same disaster filled existence.

“I think you’re gonna make Dean cry.” Sam said, partially trying to deflect attention from himself as he was sort of moved by what Jane said.

“Yeah, no chick flick moments in this family.” Dean joked.

He saw Jane’s eyes shine when she heard the word family. God did she deserve a much better family than the Winchesters. She deserved the world but the Winchesters could only offer inevitable heartbreak. One way or another, the universe was going to ruin what little joy Jane brought to the boys. That’s how it works. When you get closer to the boys you get closer to disaster.  

“Right, I solemnly swear to only have action movie moments.” Jane said, rolling off the bed and coming to stand with the boys. “Now, take me on the most badass of tours, man.”

“Language.” The boys scolded.  

“What? You want PG rated action movie moments?”

Sam rolled his eyes as he gave a chuckle. “Let’s get moving, kid.” He said, giving her a little shove down the hallway to start the tour.

Dean’s phone started ringing. He checked the caller ID on his phone.

Castiel.

“I’ll catch up in a second.” Dean called. “Show her the library without me so I don’t have to watch you geek out.”

Sam and Jane left him behind, heading for the library Sam loved so much. Dean smiled at the pair as they retreated down the hallway, Jane failing to keep up with Sam’s long strides.

He turned his attention back to his phone and accepted the call with a hint of worry.

“Hello? Dean?”

“Yeah, it’s me Cas. Is everything alright?”

“Not exactly, no. But this is a matter better discussed in person. Where are you?”

“The Bunker. Wh-whats going on?”

“It’s Jane.”

Of course.

#supernatural #supernatural fanfiction #supernatural imagine #dean winchester #Sam Winchester #castiel #OC #reader #winchester sister #winchester daughter #dean x reader #sam x reader #castiel x reader #in a platonic kind of way #demons #angels

[theimpalaiscrying]

You’re Not A Winchester Pt. 2

Title: You’re Not A Winchester

Author: theimpalaiscrying

sister!reader x Sam & Dean Winchester

Words: 1,858

Warnings: Angst, holy shit blood, swearing, implications of depression and suicide thoughts, tears.

A/N: First of all, THANK YOU ALL for the positive feedback and the support for my first flippn’ series! I’m freakin’ blown away! AND SORRY FOR THE DELAY FML. ENJOY. I THINK. YES. AND THERE WILL BE MORE.

After your argument with Sam, you drove until you were at least five states away before calling Bobby. It was obvious that he would want to know how you were doing; if you successfully reunited with Sam. If you didn't call him first, he'd get suspicious and call you himself. 

So after you set yourself up in a small motel room somewhere in Colorado, you called Bobby with shaky hands. He picked up after three rings. 

"(Y/N)! Did you find Sam?" he asked, voice hopeful. 

You had to blink back tears as you answered. "Yeah, I did but we decided to hunt separately for a while." You responded with a confident voice. 

You were a talented liar, but you found it harder to lie this time. You were very close with Bobby throughout your childhood. Whenever Dean was gone with John on a hunt and you and Sammy were left behind, you were usually dropped off at Bobby's. Hell, when Sammy started going with them, you only had Bobby to talk to. 

Whenever you were there, Bobby treated you and your brothers like real kids; he'd play ball with you guys and let you relax. So lying to him felt wrong, but it had to be done. You couldn't be a burden to him anymore. 

"What? Why?" he demanded, clearly confused and concerned. 

"Seeing each other again brought back too many memories... We decided that we both still needed some time away from each other, but we'll keep in touch, don't worry." One of your tricks to lying was to believe what you were saying, to form false memories. You wished that what you were saying was true. 

"Oh." Was Bobby's reply, not a trace of disbelief in his voice. You silently exhaled in relief that he bought your story and changed the subject, telling him you tracked down a hunt in Colorado, which was also a lie.

When you said your final goodbye to Bobby and hung up, you threw your phone out the motel window with as much force as you could muster. Then you collapsed on the motel bed and curled into yourself. You had never felt so cold in your entire life then you had in that very moment. 

You weren't sure whether you should believe what Sam had said to you, he had been drunk when he had said everything he did. But you also knew that when you're drunk, you either show a hilarious side of yourself, or you show your true self. That being said, you really couldn't be sure unless you asked Sam yourself. 

No. You couldn't face Sam. You were just in denial. You needed to accept what he said, and move on. But move on to what? You didn't sleep that night, your mind was too busy with thoughts and memories of when you were a kid. 

The next morning, you went out and sat in a coffee shop with John's journal. After ordering a coffee (or tea), you mindlessly flipped through the pages, only stopping to read anything that caught your interest. One page, in particular, one near the back of the journal, had your name in bold at the top. This definitely caught your attention, since you'd never noticed it before. 

It went into depth about the case that involved the witch that took you from your family, and a thought suddenly struck you as you read on. It was possible that you still had a family out there, a biological one. According to what John wrote, he had found out your name was (Y/N) Lemoth, but there were no details on your family. 

A sad smile graced your features when you realised that maybe there was someone out there that would care for you. So you set out to where your adventure with the Winchesters began, Ogdensburg, NY. 

You stole a different vehicle so that you wouldn't get tracked when Bobby realised you weren't calling him back and made your way to Ogdensburg with some newfound hope. 

Of course, life was never that nice to you. 

Over the three days you were in Ogdensburg, you'd borrowed files from their local station regarding the missing infants, and uncovered some gruesome facts about the conditions in which they were left in by the witch. On top of that, you'd found out about your family. 

You were from Kemptville, Ontario, your parents had had their throats slit open upon your abduction, and your older sister was the one to find them. She was only three, and listening to the recording of her phone call to the police was heartbreaking. 

There were no further details about your sister beside the fact that she had been given to her grandparents in Quebec. After a quick search of her name on the internet, you found out that she had taken her life at the age of 13, and that shattered your heart. 

Your grandparents were still alive, but you didn't even want to bother. They lived in Quebec, and there was no way you could pull off crossing the border. 

So now, you really had nobody. After returning the case file to the police, you made for the nearest liquor store, bought a large bottle of vodka, and returned to your motel room with tears threatening to spill the entire time. 

You would have just gone to a bar, but you didn't feel like having to deal with being social. You were tired of crying, but unfortunately, you were going to continue crying anyway. It wasn't like anyone was going to stop you. So you sat on your motel bed and stared into nothing, occasionally taking a sip of the vodka. 

You didn't know what to do with yourself anymore. You could probably continue hunting, but it just wouldn't be the same. You could probably try to get Dean back, but you weren't sure he'd be so glad to see it had been you to bring him back and not Sam, and that was if you even managed to get him back. You could kill yourself, but you didn't want to hurt anyone who genuinely cared about you. 

You approached your duffle bag with legs like noodles and hazy vision, bending down to unzip it and pull out your gun. Then you returned to the bed, your mind blank and your head heavy. You stared down at the weapon for some time, but eventually snorted scornfully and tossed it away. 

You wanted to die, but you didn't have the courage to carry out the act. Even when you were drunk. In that case, you definitely weren't a Winchester. Winchesters weren't afraid of death. They were only afraid of losing the ones they love. 

"Ready or not, here I come!" You shouted, opening your large (E/C) eyes. You were standing in Bobby's kitchen, your height barely surpassing that of the table's. John was out on a trip, and he had left you, Sam, and Dean at Bobby's until he returned. That meant you were able to play games for once without being scolded. On this particular day, the game of choice happened to be Hide and Seek. 

You jogged over to Bobby's office first, checking under his desk to make sure nobody was hiding there. Unfortunately, nobody was. 

However, when you turned around, you caught sight of shoes sticking out from under the open curtain next to the window. You almost wanted to roll your eyes at how easy it was to spot your first brother. 

"Found you!" You giggled, pulling aside the curtain to reveal Dean. "You suck at hiding, Bean." You teased, using the nickname you'd given him when you were even smaller. Your older brother only laughed sheepishly. 

"I do not suck! It's just that nothing gets past you, Bub! I swear, your smarter than Sam at this game!" He argued, making seven-year-old you giggle even more. 

"Suuure. Now help me find Sammy!" You ordered, grabbing Dean's hand and dragging him to the stairs. 

You checked all the rooms upstairs for your second brother, minus the spare bedroom and Bobby's room (since that one was off limits), so you made your way to the final room with Dean right behind you. 

First, you checked under the bed. When nobody was there, you turned to the closet. For some reason, you felt afraid to open it. You just had this gut-wrenching feeling that you weren't going to like what was inside. So you hesitated, drawing your hand back from the handle for a moment, only to reach out again, and throw the closet door open. 

When an older version of Sam stepped out of the closet, you screamed in surprise and went running to Dean, only to stop dead in your tracks. Dean had turned into his older self and he was staring down at you, blood dripping from his lips and eyes glazed over in pain. His chest and stomach were torn right open, the gashes bleeding profusely as he choked on the crimson. He fell to his knees, then flat to the ground, his blood pooling towards your feet. 

As if you were re-living his death, you screamed a blood-curdling cry and ran to his side. "Bean! Don't you dare leave me! Bean!" You cried, shaking him in hopes of waking him up as if he were simply sleeping. 

"Sammy, do something!" You cried, looking up at your brother with tear-filled eyes. 

But he just stared down at you, tears filling his eyes as well, but the emotion reflecting through them was not sadness. It was anger. 

"That should have been you, (Y/N)! You know that you aren't a Winchester! You know your life isn't worth half of ours, yet you let him die!" He roared, his tall form advancing on you threateningly. 

You leapt to your feet, your hands and knees caked in Dean's blood as you took a few steps back. "I'm sorry! I didn't mean to!" You cried in your seven-year-old voice, shaking your head left and right profusely. 

You gasped when you saw Dean begin to crawl in your direction, his arms dragging himself through the puddle of his own blood, making the scarlet liquid smear along the hardwood. His eyes were completely onyx black, and his face was twisted in agony. "Why did you let me die, (Y/N)? Why didn't you save me?" 

You lurched upwards in the motel bed, tears already falling from your eyes and your head pounding from the hangover. "Dean!" You cried, gripping your hair and curling into yourself. 

You wished he was still with you and that you and Sam hadn't argued. You wished that you could go back to calling your big brother Bean and that he would reply with Bub. 

You wished you were truly a Winchester.

If you want to be tagged, don’t be afraid to hit me up!

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#you're not a winchester #sam winchester #dean winchester #impala #angst #sorry not sorry

[elizabethrobertajones]

“What, are you gonna look up more anime, or are you strictly into Dick now?”

A lengthy exploration of Dean Winchester as a consistently queer character, thank to themes he embodies with his core characterisation of occupying both sides of binary traits.

(aka the reason why I lazily shove random things into my “Dean vs cake” tag with no explanation, written out while on a 8hr train journey)

The writing of Dean is of a character split between endless examples of duality, moments of characterisation which have stark opposites (either generally accepted or made up into a false dichotomy by the show) where he appears to embody elements of both at all times. Generally, the less-expected or pleasant part is something he resists admitting liking or labelling himself as.

He may be described as a killer while being shown to be the most compassionate character by his actions in the same episode; his projection of himself as a dumb grunt has been so successful that we have to scrape up lists of dozens of examples to prove his intelligence in arguments, despite one of the most-used examples being in only the fourth episode but is cited all the time to prove he’s not the stupid brother in contrast to Sam’s college-educated introduction leaving a lasting impression there; a lesser example of Dean wobbling between sides of a duality includes his strict favouritism of pie being shown in stark contrast to cake as if he must surely hate it, having declared himself for pie; and of course his frequently shown interest in women is contrasted with extremely consistent queer subtext implying that Dean is attracted to men as well.

This last duality seems to be the most persistently hard to reconcile (meanwhile Dean was happily eating croissookies by the middle of season 10 after getting over his problem with cake). Despite the common interpretation of Dean as a bisexual character with numerous textual moments to back up the reading, moments of him expressing his interest in women are sometimes seen as the writing trying to deny the queer side of his character outright, even by some of the same people making this interpretation as we struggle with text and intent over subtext and implication and how deliberate the suggestion is. While to others the existence of his attraction to women is more than enough to prove definitively that Dean is a straight character and any attempt to read queer subtext into his story is inaccurate, despite an entire catalogue of examples and analysis by those who make the reading across the entire length of the show to date. A regular argument that Dean can’t be bi is for the person denying it to attach dozens of gifs of Dean blatantly expressing/exercising his interest in women as if this definitively proves it, despite only being one side of the both ways he’s suggested to swing.

A similar state of disbelief exists for real life bisexual people or those with similar orientations, with a mentality that they should either pick a side or are really one thing or the other, depending on their most obviously expressed orientation/gender, usually based on their current partner or obvious behavioural cues (especially ones society favours or would find easiest to read). Reading a fictional character who can’t talk for himself to answer it, who can only continue to be written and portrayed on screen following various patterns, and going through storylines which may or may not answer anything, of course makes it all the more impossible to reach a definitive reading, as it is entirely subjective and down to the viewer and how they understand what they see on screen. Dean being written with all this duality in his behaviour can lead to extremely contradictory readings, which is also a smaller symptom of the show’s broad appeal playing successfully to multiple audiences.

Of course people can like a varied selection of music or dessert treats in real life and it is generally considered a mark of a balanced and well-rounded individual to cultivate varied tastes in things. No one trying a croissookie for the first time should be a stunning moment of character development. In storytelling, associations and traits are made easily known by small details with larger social or tropey coding in order to quickly get to know them, and subconsciously access a wealth of implications about how else they might act/feel or their backstory. Characters are defined by often seemingly meaningless distinctions which make it difficult to imagine something perceived as an opposite trait to it, as something the character could also occupy. The trait is used as a shorthand to convey a great deal about the character, from which assumptions can be made about the rest of their personality, and it allows for false binaries where it makes understanding a character confusing when they’re shown enjoying something they previously seemed to hate; with a rigid definition to help us understand them to start with, the character acting in a contrary way becomes suspicious, breaks immersion, or requires analysis to work out why they’d change their behaviour, as we are aware they are a fictional construct and need to be explained and interpreted, and that someone is creating it all deliberately to some end for our entertainment. 

Dean is a controversial character to define in part due to his projected façades he creates either for the job or for personal and emotional security, including façades he keeps for Sam’s benefit and therefore will be persistently shown on screen due to their interaction in every single episode. Many of the episodes about their childhood expose these vulnerabilities by showing the characters before their modern day dynamic was fully established (3x08 especially as it had so much of them interacting as kids), or by exposing that there is a great deal Sam doesn’t know about the ways in which Dean has protected him from harsh truths about their upbringing and father (9x07 springs to mind there and “the story became the story” to explain how Sam ended up never knowing certain things about Dean’s childhood or the way John was as a parent to him). 10x12 and 12x11 explored Dean returning to a childlike or innocent state, further revealing the ways in which he creates – or rather, curates – his seemingly generic surface personality for Sam’s benefit. 

By changing the rules of how Dean is written they can expose him having different tastes or behaving in entirely different ways which betray the gruff and macho exterior for what it is - a part of Dean but by far not the only part. 10x12 showed Dean enjoying cake and Taylor Swift while briefly in a teenage body - the joke being that his mind remained entirely intact to his current age. At the end of the episode Dean enjoys Taylor Swift on the radio and then starts eating croissookies or wanting cake in later episodes. 12x11 again makes Dean vulnerable in front of Sam and almost the first thing he does as a sign he’s no longer remembering to project for Sam, is admit to liking Dory and therefore watching Disney movies, betraying yet another part of his tough exterior which something like catching a Pixar movie on the down low would be entirely opposite to the personality he wants to project. 

(As an aside I’ve seen wank recently that the performing Dean meta is because people want to get rid of Dean’s surface layer entirely and entirely remove this part of his personality, which is a misunderstanding that of course it’s a part of Dean’s personality but he would be happier and more well-balanced if he would own to the other parts. Moments like admitting he likes chick flicks are actual genuine huge progress to unravelling this persona and have not drastically changed who Dean is - only allowed Sam to go from a suspicious outsider to someone on the inside where he and Dean now share the knowledge Dean likes chick flicks openly and without aggression or deflection, meaning they can be happier and more comfortable. When they actually watch a chick flick together with Jody in 12x06 Dean can’t exactly complain about doing it and Sam is utterly comfortable teasing Dean to Jody because it’s no longer hostile territory... Obviously that’s an ideal way to resolve all their other issues without making some weird hypothesis that now Dean has to do nothing but watch chick flicks and cry about them in his down time since this admission... He can just be more comfortable embracing both sides of the duality of his interest in movies - the random box of socially acceptable stuff to Dean’s eyes, and the stuff that he’d be embarrassed to admit liking for reasons rooted in the toxic masculinity that informs a lot of his shell.)

Anyway, unpacking a balanced understanding of Dean’s personality is difficult (and finding things people agree on even about what the surface layer means or is for), as many things he says or does will be taken as fact, and therefore meant to convey the entire understanding we should have about Dean, meaning every action or statement contrary to the initial interpretation becomes bad data that is easily discarded, or one off moments that lend no greater understanding to his character. This is not helped by the multitude of writers who have contributed to his creation, throwing in disruptions or unexpected approaches to his portrayal which to some may seem too far to credit even for such a multifaceted character (and of course what it is and who it bothers among the various factions caused by these readings change depending on the moment, as different concerns about his characterisation arise... But seriously can we all agree that Dean apparently having never even heard of It’s a Wonderful Life even through pop culture soak (which is 90% of his personality) in 9x03 is clearly a step too far). 

Differentiating what seems like a poorly considered character beat from intentionally contradictory portrayals of his behaviour, that can be reasoned out or understood for what they were attempting to convey more in tune with the wider picture, does not always happen smoothly. This leads to interpretations of Dean that can be extremely hostile to each other and seem to discuss starkly different characters as certain readings take their place in the wider story as they interpret it and the intentionally ambiguous writing of the show fosters many layers and different interpretations throughout. The reading of Dean as a queer character or not is only the most contentious of these entirely different narratives people find in the story.

Examining the different presentations of Dean and his sexuality can be an enormous task with twelve seasons of discussion and imagery, metaphor and both textual and subtextual displays of interest Dean expresses that would need to be analysed (not always to the obvious gender when assuming Dean is textually portrayed as heterosexual and subtextually bisexual – for example in 8x13 Dean has his humorous misunderstanding with Aaron, who he calls his “gay thing” rather fondly to Sam, and takes absolutely no pains to establish to anyone that he wouldn’t have been interested after being caught out by and unable to lie about his interest in a proposition that Aaron had expected to only scare him off). 

Setting aside the smaller episode to episode instances which lend to a bigger picture but are hard to discuss to get the sense of a larger narrative (as there’s too many, and each one would need to be described), I’m just going to go for a few big obvious examples which can be used to describe Dean in relation to this framed binary of interest one way or the other by briefly examining some of the more prominent relationships Dean has that I think represent both sides of his interest in men and women. 

Buried in the subtext of the show since season 9 or 10, Dean ended up having a physical relationship during a brief “summer of love” with Crowley, since then and to date portrayed clearly as a relationship and them as exes, with varying amounts of fondness, embarrassment and knowing innuendo about their activities and history. It’s about as close to textual as any relationship Dean’s had with a male character and there’s now 3 seasons of content between 9x11 and 12x15 relating to it.

There is also Dean’s most popularly shipped and most firmly subtextually embedded but constant relationship with Cas - waffling about angels aside, a male bodied and identifying character. The evidence for the queer subtext of their relationship dates back to Cas’s arrival in the fourth season. Narratively, as a clear example, being played against Ruby, and the way that relationship with Sam was used in the story. Though Anna is introduced to have Dean’s relationship to the divine directly paralleled to Sam’s relationship to the demonic, with a 2 episode romance arc to allow a parallel of both brothers hooking up with their respective sides, Cas and Ruby play as narrative foils to their Winchester and the other’s relationship all season, and to greater emotional and plot effect than Anna, whose personal relationship to Dean is non-existent after she becomes an angel again. Dean and Cas continue to have romantic subtext for the entire time Cas is on the show (and even while he was supposedly written off and dead).

Dean’s longest lasting romantic relationship on the show (with most flings being the “girl of the week” in Dean’s words) was with Lisa, between seasons three (where she was used to demonstrate the normal life he’d never get but suddenly really regretted never having and was acutely aware of missing) and six (where after the apocalypse they end up together as a year break from hunting for Dean), ending in non-fatal tragedy after a mutually acknowledged break up earlier in the season, after which she plays no further part in the story. 

His sexual and romantic history with Lisa does not invalidate his romantic connection to Cas, nor his sexual history with Crowley (though of course it has more textual grounding even than his fling with Crowley hardly being a secret or subtle or “Destiel” having been name-dropped in the show). Likewise, the relationships with Cas and Crowley don’t invalidate the time he spent with Lisa as a meaningful and fully desired part of his life. (And of course Dean continued sleeping with women after and during his elopement with Crowley...) All of these elements exist within the story and never ask you to choose between them. Even the Crowley and Castiel parts complement each other, taking the form of Dean in a love triangle of sorts with the demon and angel on his shoulders, again another binary that Dean is in the middle of, between angel and demon, Heaven and Hell, the dynamic of which reliably plays out since season nine when Crowley’s seduction and muscling into their previously established romantic subtext began.

Though these are the eye-catching examples of relationships as a demonstration of Dean’s ability to share his affection, of course looking deeper reveals that Dean has been a queer coded character since the start, and no examples of long relationship arcs would be necessary to argue that Dean’s bisexuality exists in the subtext, even just in the way the show discusses and frames his character (and some people do identify with him in general as a bisexual character, without caring about ships but rather through his experiences and the way he’s written). Dean just has a relatable state of existence that specifically seems to describe him as bisexual, with general queer coding subtext. 

So as a starting point (and I’m not going to go season by season because one: we’ve been there done that and B: I’m only stuck on trains for 10 hours, I can’t elaborate on the bi Dean subtext in every season in detail), the first season plays Dean thematically against Sam’s psychic abilities (that arc more traditionally played as a queer metaphor with lines such as “don’t ask, don’t tell” uttered about Sam’s powers – from Dean, of course). Dean meanwhile is presented as feeling like a freak and outsider himself with a sense of estrangement and otherness from society which plays as an easy metaphor for a queer character (1x06 overtly having his feelings described this way; 1x08 also has him expressing discomfort about suburbia and normal life, for example). This backdrop of the sort of framing of his character is assisted with moments of flirtation with male characters (in very specific contexts which leave room to argue it’s one thing or another and would make up the surface reading, such as Dean feeling threatened and flirting to deflect - the two off the top of my head are the saucy comments to police in 1x01 and 1x12, and snark-complimenting the random (later revealed to be evil) villager in 1x11); presenting Dean’s general insecurity with gender and sexuality, a running theme that gets increasingly explored as time goes by but the roots of which are especially visible with hindsight; and ambiguously presented moments with extremely suggestive implications (for example Dean’s missing hour in the bathroom in 1x15 immediately after what seems to be a flirtatious wink past Sam to some of the people playing pool behind him - mostly men, of course). Dean’s immersion in the world of hunting, itself in general a culture presented with a metaphorical suggestion relating it to queer culture despite its overt hypermasculine and assumed conservative social structure (hand in hand with monsters sharing this metaphor), is another sense of coding Dean as belonging to a culture within but separate from the normative culture, and the fact he embraces it in a way Sam doesn’t in season 1.

Played in contrast to Sam, it’s an interesting picture. Sam is given a starting point with an attempt at building a “normal” life which of course includes a girlfriend he intends to marry and one day hopefully have a family with. Though this is all ripped away from him in the first episode, Sam still wishes for a normal life, and at several points consistently throughout the show expresses this interest and the idea that he still would dream for it as his ideal life; that he only continues hunting because it’s the family business and his brother is still in it, for example, as his line in season 10/11 when bringing it up, and in season 12 Mary wins him over to the BMoL’s world without monsters pitch with a reminder of what a normal life might be for him now. 

Dean meanwhile expresses that the normal life is not for him many times, and when he attempts to have it with Lisa, as the one example of him living as a civilian since he was four years old, it’s a compromise for his life taking him away from hunting and expressed as such, while Sam generally cuts himself entirely off from their world and can live as and imagine himself being a civilian, having a history of running away as a child, a break for freedom at college, and another attempt as an adult when he ran out of family to continue the family business with between season 7 & 8. 

Unlike Sam’s attempts to leave the life behind, Dean is shown still using the symbols of that culture, warding the house, laying down salt, and keeping a gun and holy water under his bed, that last image of which the montage at the start of season six ends with, showing vividly how his bed and normal life still has the world of hunting and monsters under it. This life quickly draws him back in with the return of Sam from the dead and back into his life, and he tries to exist in a half-in half-out state until various disasters show the problem with their set up, as Dean’s connection to this other culture upsets the balance of the home life he had with Lisa. This also is shown as a tragedy and a negative reflection on Sam and Dean’s, that they couldn’t make the compromise work. 

Similarly one of the darkest moments in the brothers’ relationship is when they pick each other over Sam’s once hopeful way out and chance at a normal life on the other side of all their eight seasons of accumulated trauma, Amelia (and Riot the dog), and Dean’s (of course ambiguously coded) relationship with Benny, and it seems awful that they’ve given up so much and chosen such an extreme, clearly over their own happiness and desires, because of their obligation towards each other and their job. In the example of 8x10, Sam gives up total normality while Dean gives up an emotional connection within their world.

On the surface the fact both Sam and Dean are disrupted out of normal life, especially by each other’s presence, and would continue hunting because of the other, seems an identical conflict of interests between them and a normal life. But their actual attitudes towards it are again presented as opposite. Dean expresses many times that he sees no end to hunting for him, and that he would happily die doing it; later attempts to suggest possible endgames include possibilities of considerably more settled lifestyles still within the hunting culture, again for Dean a hybrid life where he may occupy two ends of a spectrum simultaneously, and that he might be allowed to emotionally settle while still being able to identify as a hunter and to be a part of their world. 

Sam might also wonder about settling down with someone in the life as a possibility he never seemed to consider until 11x04, but it comes with precisely none of this baggage, connected instead to different arcs in Sam’s development. Sam’s interest in the normal life comes with assumed and unchallenged heteronormativity, and the desire to have an eventual wife is implicit (while for Dean since season 10 all his discussion of an endgame has repeatedly used gender neutral phrasing that he may settle down with someone). Sam is also shown with few long-term love interests, the only notable positive one since Jess being Amelia (Ruby was never going to be a settling down white picket fence thing, but again, different story being told over there where Sam has no queer subtext but other struggles). Again in (or, before) season 8 he settled down with the full intention to leave the hunting world behind, including letting go of the burden of following leads from the newspapers that would have taken him onto a case, and ditching their phones instead of at least putting himself on standby in case Kevin or someone else got in contact needing their help. Mary’s return in season 12 contrasts this all the more by showing even after she was married and settled and had already had Dean, the prospect of a hunt could still tempt her out of the house. In many ways Mary’s outlook on life and hunting has been paralleled more closely to Dean’s and “a world without monsters” is antithetical to their true desires; that they will always be somewhat between worlds, while it is genuinely tempting to Sam to leave it all behind and get married.

Very little is made in the text of Sam’s interest in women in the sense of his interest being, well, interesting. He never makes sexual comments, rarely checks women out, and is rarely depicted wishing for casual sex, something he also extremely rarely engages in except for times when he’s been soulless or drinking demon blood, giving him clear and dramatic changes in his psyche. An incidental moment where he and Dean sign a virginity pledge in 9x08 leads to an accidental unbroken “virginity” until 11x04 for Sam (and he says he’s going to go research and sounds like he means it when he leaves and stumbles into his hook up, paralleled to Dean intentionally looking for a hook up but seeming to strike out after a bad night... or - well, that moment is itself ambiguous and had a ton of discussion of exactly what “mistakes” Dean made after blowing all out of proportion an attempt to hook up with a female hunter he already knew was never going to happen when he brought her up). Of course in 9x08 Dean breaks the same vow within the episode, as well as it being obvious to Sam he would, and the way it happens playing into a long thread of pointing out Dean’s interest in women and his varied tastes in porn (Chuck had never seen so much on one computer...). Dean’s sexuality has a much greater focus in general, whether it’s his interest in women or the subtextual coding of him as bisexual. Whether it’s subtextual or Dean openly discussing sex and being shown seeking it out, a fairly consistent discussion continues within the text about his sexuality. Showing his overt interest in women leads to a more general picture of all of Dean’s interests and contributes to an ongoing depiction and thematic discussion of Dean’s interests and desires.

And so to the chosen quote for the title – Sam’s fascinating challenge to Dean about his computer usage in 7x12, combining Dean’s stated interest in watching anime porn from 7x01, implied to be about female characters (based on the sound effects coming from his laptop in the only incident where he’s actually shown watching it and - ew) and the endless Dick jokes of season seven (“Who would choose to be called Dick?” Edgar wonders about him, hanging a lampshade on the season’s desire to just make as many Dick jokes as they could). Sam once again suggests there’s a binary – in this case because you can’t really do both at the same time for reasonable multi-tasking issues. Of course metaphorically it seems to be a jab that Dean has transitioned his interest in the heterosexually coded anime porn to a strict homosexual interest in “Dick” –  an innocuous jibe from Sam who has lived in close quarters with Dean for long enough to be fairly certain of his interest in women.

Still, it illustrates the binary that this sort of thought operates in: that even when Dean is shown and known to have a multifaceted range of interests, in this case literally coded as a metaphor for his sexuality rather than coding suggestive of it as well (like the cake/pie thing), it’s an either/or despite that we know he could reasonably want the laptop to do either (though not in this context as he genuinely did want to help with the monster of the week case which was an entirely other thing outside of the binary and not relevant - you know, until 10 minutes later Dean’s fangirling over Eliot Ness and rotating to check out a soldier in the street). The end of 7x12 shows Dean is still “into Dick”, continuing his research for the obsessive revenge mission as the last beat of the episode; Sam displays that he’s perfectly aware of how multifaceted Dean is years later in the season 12 episode where he gets to tease Dean for being “an animated Japanese erotica chick” - never mind that in that case it was a binary between “chick flick chick” and that, and riffing off the pilot episode’s “No chick flick moments” (establishing the first binary of stated text and implied subtext about Dean), at the end of season 11 Sam finally managed to get Dean to admit that he loved chick flicks, so again he knows full well that he’s ascribing a false binary to Dean when he operates in both.

(Robbie’s season 7 seemed to be full of this because 7x20 also has a totally fake binary for the sake of subtext - Charlie can’t flirt with the security guard because she’s only into women, not even in an emergency... Dean, of course, is happy to help out... Immediately not playing into the arbitrary rule established about functional flirting on the job vs sexuality - or playing right into it and revealing another side of himself to help Charlie, just as Sam reveals how deep his Harry Potter nerdiness runs.)

So, thematically, where does this all go and why is it important? 

In season 10 when Dean is a demon and off “howling at the moon” with Crowley, during their subtextual elopement and honestly I would say textual sexual tryst (triplets comment in 10x01, implication Crowley knows how much Dean can stick up his butt in 11x23, “maybe I’ve rubbed off all over you” in 12x15...), their official break up is marked with Crowley yelling at Dean to “Pick a bloody side”, after Dean spends the episode overtly struggling between being a demon and a human. Of course this phrasing mirrors sentiments real life bisexual people can have to deal with from intolerant people. In the end of that particular episode Dean accepts he’s a demon, but on his own terms, not being bound to Crowley’s desires for him, after the King of Hell runs out of interest to Dean as a source of free drinks and no consequences fun as he starts making demands of Dean to work for him. Sam and Cas pick a side for him shortly after to cure him of being a demon, and then again at the end of the season to cure him of the Mark of Cain, the root cause of his transformation, after Dean had spent most of the season adapting to living as a hybrid human and Knight of Hell. 

This arc resolves at the end of the next season metaphorically, when Dean restores harmony to the universe by reconciling light and darkness in Chuck and Amara, picking neither side in a binary which has been causing conflict by one overpowering the other since the dawn of time and currently threatening the existence of the universe when Dark attempts to destroy Light. Dean is described by Chuck as “the firewall between light and darkness” in 11x21, emphasising he has a place of cosmic importance in occupying a middle ground between two binary choices. He is both a “virile manifestation of the divine” (so says a server in a hippy cafe in 7x07, but there’s more to his words than he knows), and a worthy bearer of what turned out to be a mark of primordial darkness that made him a conduit of Amara’s power. Dean doesn’t need to pick a side, and occupying ground from both sides makes him stronger. Not for nothing, Chuck also is revealed to be bisexual during his return arc, clearly stating he had had both girlfriends and boyfriends while hanging out incognito on Earth.

By the end of season 11 then, it is clear through these textual statements and actions that Dean is a character linked to this pattern of a strong connection or implication of one thing and also to something that is presented as an opposite or opposing force to it in the narrative, and that he represents a middle ground embodying both. He is the croissookie. 

Though the show leaves a lot to be desired in textual representation when it comes to Dean’s bisexuality, the subtextual thread of the story is filled with imagery and suggestiveness directly relating to this depiction, and this exploration is only a small part of the way Dean is surrounded by the queer subtext of the show. This particular imagery relating to Dean is a regular, important and eventually universe-saving part of his characterisation, and discussion of the imagery of him occupying a dual nature can be applied to many of the other ways the show explores and divides his psyche without making it into a discussion of his bisexuality at all - these divided aspects of his personality have been fuelling discussion of his character for years. And as he has a separate and extremely detailed queer reading, applying this facet of his character to his bisexuality specifically creates a fascinating reading of the depiction of this in the text.

Standard disclaimer none of this proves anything but I love looking at Dean this way and it completely informs my reading of him.

#Dean is bi #my stuff #things I wrote on the train while really really bored #long post for ts