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friedwangsss · 2 years

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LET’S PLAY HOUSE. | austin!elvis x black!reader (part 4)

notes : “elvis wants to play house with you, if you know what he means.”

extra notes : idk why i thought i had the draft for this already made so yeah. this was also longer than i anticipated and it’s probably shitty but hey, i was trying my best to get this out on schedule, enjoy !

“seems like she’s still awake, the kitchen light is still on.” you took elvis’ hand that he held for you to take and stepped out of the car. “oh, and thank you for dancing with me, i enjoyed myself.”

he looked down and smiled at you, “of course, i enjoyed you.”

you smiled back and walked up towards the walkway that lead to your home. it wasn’t big and fancy, just a couple of bedrooms, a family room, a nice kitchen, a couple of bathrooms, and staircase which led to the bedrooms.”

you had moved here with your mom when you were about 14 and have been here since. she was able to buy it in a rather nicer black neighborhood with the money she saved up so she was very proud of it.

you unlocked the door to the home and called out to your mom, “momma, i’m back! and i brought a guest!”

she yelled back, “girl, stop yelling. i told you better.” you shook your head and laughed.

“sorry.” you replied and turned to elvis, “you can take your shoes off and leave them by the door. no one will steal them.”

he chuckled at you. “wouldn’t worry about that, unless you wanted ‘em then, i’d be a little worried.”

“y/n, come help me with this cornbread, hurry.”

you walked towards the direction of the kitchen and gestured for elvis to follow. “momma, greet the guest.”

she turned around and looked taken back at the 6 foot white man with slicked back hair and a pink lace shirt standing in her kitchen. “y/n, who’s this?”

“elvis, momma. you remember him.”

she looked at you, “baby, i remember a shorter, scrawny white boy with blonde hair.”

elvis and you both chuckled. “hello, ma’am, it’s been a minute.” his voice was deeper so that made her widen her eyes. “you look as good as ever, ms. l/n.”

she took him in for a second before rushing over and giving elvis a big hug, “my, look at you. you’re so grown!”

you knew your mom secretly had love for elvis like he was her son or nephew: she was always making sure he was on his best behavior, making sure he had some nice sunday clothes, or was fed and his mom too. “okay, momma, don’t choke him.” you smiled.

they pulled back from their hug and she was smiling big. “goodness, your hair. i’m gonna miss the golden hair but you look just as good.”

“thank you, ma’am.” he leaned down and kissed her on the cheek. “do you need any help with anything?”

“well, i was just about to put everything away but you can help y/n with the cornbread, i know it was your favorite.” she smiled and turned back to the sink to clean whatever was in there.

you looked at the pan of already made cornbread and saw the bowl of glaze on the table beside it. “come on, elvis, you can spread it on.”

he picked the bowl up and the little food paintbrush and started to spread the glaze on. he had a content look on his face, he actually enjoyed things like this. domestic things. it reminded him that after all the fame washes away, he’ll still have little things like this with you—even if he won’t get to see you as often.

your mom told you to get the other pan of cornbread that just finished baking out of the oven so elvis could put the glaze on that one as well. “here, el.” you placed the pan cautiously down.

“el.. haven’t heard that one in a while, love.” he smiled and looked at you from the corner of his eye. “forgot how much i loved it.”

that statement made you blush, or rather your body heat up with the way he spoke.

when did his voice get so deep?

why does it make you feel a certain way? the way you felt when you were a little girl with a big crush on the pretty, skinny, golden hair boy.

you figured staying in your head wasn’t good and decided to come back to reality. your momma had finished prepping the food and put everything away. she even took a pan of the cornbread and wrapped it up so she could hand it to elvis on his way out.

“elvis, you did a great job. forgot how great of a helper you were.” your momma smiled up at him. “take this pan home to your momma whenever you leave and y/n,” she turned to you. “don’t keep him ‘ere too long. make sure he leaves at a reasonable time so his momma don’t get worried.”

you took a small glance at the clock above the stove and realized that it was only 11:33. “yes ma’am.”

she kissed you on your head and smiled and have elvis a hug one more time. “make sure you visit us more, baby. we’d love your company.”

he smiled and hugged her back just as tightly. “of course, ma’am. before i start going on the road more, i’ll be sure to come back. maybe bring momma too.”

your mom nodded and pulled back from the hug, bidding both of you goodnight and retired upstairs. you waited one more moment before you turned to elvis, “when did you start singing?” you asked, trying not to start an awkward conversation but you were sure you did.

he chuckled at you and walked over to stand in front of you. “i don’t know. it was like one day i was driving past a recording studio on my way to work, next thing you know i was singing in said studio, then, i was on stage scared out of my wits at the jamboree.”

“you preformed at a jamboree? when? i don’t remember hearing about this.” you had to raise your chin to look at him and another question flashed through your head: when did he get so tall?

you and elvis used to be the same height and when you were 14 you grew a lot more before you stopped when you turned a certain age. you weren’t super short but you were reaching that average to above average height. but elvis? oh god, his height made you almost want to drool.

“ah, it was the lousiana hayride. not the most welcoming folk at first, mainly the men.” when he stepped a little closer to you, he wrapped his hand around your waist. “the girls were different. just started hollerin’out of nowhere.

“hollerin’?” you raised an eyebrow. “what do you mean?”

“i’on know. but it was crazy. my buddies tol’ me it was because of the way i was movin’.”

now that you could understand. “have you seen the way you dance? it’s sexy so i think their reaction was reasonable.” you smiled.

“sexy, huh?” he smirked down at you and leaned a little closer. “i’m glad you find it sexy, baby, that’s what matters the most to me.”

a silence blanketed over the both of you and you were curious as to what was gonna happen next. it seemed like the only thing either of you wanted to do was just stare into each other’s eyes for as long as you could.

“i have a question,” elvis started. “and you can say no but, i’ve been waiting for a moment when i could kiss you. again, at least.”

you sucked in a quick breath, remembering the last time you kissed. it was a quick one, nothing special. you didn’t even think he’d remember it.

“can i kiss you again?”

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fionarara · 1 year

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HIPSTER KENMA PART 2 WHEN PLEASEEEEE IM OBSESSED

nonni all caps ?? for hipster kenma ?? i thought this idea was an incredibly niche thing in my odd brain which would legit get like zero interaction, i straight up wrote it mostly for myself, so this is a v pleasant surprise (Ｔ▽Ｔ) also, this got longer than expected, but since you requested it with such enthusiasm, i wanted to add in a little extra detail as a treat for you ♡

+ hipster ! kenma . pt. 2 .

(+ part 1 ⇢)

+ hipster ! kenma who feeds his hairless sphynx cat gluten-free food, because he wouldn’t feed his cat a certain diet that he isn’t also on himself

+ hipster ! kenma who thinks much of the fashion industry’s antics are ridiculous for being so overpriced (and that some of their practices can be harmful to the environment), but will drop $375 bucks at a carefully curated, high-end, second-hand designer fashion shop in the arts district on a fresh pair of black jeans, ones that already come pre-ripped and are conveniently labeled as having a 'distressed' look. so edgy. clearly, who needs logical pricing when you can pay a premium to look like you've been through a barbed wire fence? + hipster ! kenma dislikes coffee, because not only is it so acidic on the PH scale, the entire culture surrounding the popular brew (–and yes, he really did call coffee, “the popular brew” when explaining this to you) is so aggressive in prevalent society, as it seemingly promotes an inherent overly capitalist mindset that is so patriarchal. instead, he opts for ~matcha with lion’s mane extract~ for better concentration and whenever he needs a pick-me-up. besides, he prefers things being more chill and calm anyway, and coffee makes him feel too jittery and whacked out + hipster ! kenma doesn’t actually have the best grasp on crypto or stock trading, but from believing and claiming he did, got yaku involved in also investing in that one reddit gamestop stock with him. unfortunately, due to a bad call of not pulling the shares out in time, they lost a considerable amount of money. L. but as short-tempered as yaku used to be, he’s mellowed-out in his older years and only blames himself in the end for even listening to hipster kenma in the first place. anyway it’s cool–when yaku came to visit town from russia, he got taken out by hipster kenma for an evening of partying, all drinks and party drugs on him, as a sort of apology for the risky financial loss—the night ended with the both of them on the floor crying together from reminiscing about past memories and ‘the good ole days’, sheesh + hipster ! kenma who sometimes seems like he hates you, but gets a bit of a kick out of you bringing it up, because whenever you do, he gets to playfully remind you he’s just in resting mode or deep in thought by making the same joke every time, “that’s just my cunty cat face” + hipster ! kenma who is prone to getting some pretty gnarly anxiety at times, so he takes these 15mg edible marijuana gummies to chill himself out. his favorite flavor of THC gummy bear from the packet you gifted him, and which he now regularly takes, is salted caramel and dark chocolate + hipster ! kenma will drag you to see an arthouse docufilm about the music history of video games with modular synthesizers, etc. at this little blackbox theater, complaining that those big blockbuster movie chains are ripping you off by charging way too much for mainstream crap, but then he proceeds to overpay for an overpriced, organic, effervescent, raw kombucha drink once you arrive at the little indie theater (he definitely thinks buying soda at the movie theater is beneath him, “the way i see it, if you want a soda at least make it, like, an actual appropriate setting, go to a carnival and have it with a corn dog.”)

+ hipster ! kenma loves street food. will take you to the local art walk/night market festivals once a month, fascinated by tasting all the different street food vendors and scoping out the community art scene, he’ll even end up treating you with a tasty treat every time from one of the booths. although he doesn’t particularly love overly sweet things, he will especially eat any sweetly-glazed savory snack that comes on a stick. one thing about him that you’ve come to appreciate though is that he doesn’t just gobble down his food, no, hipster kenma actually enjoys taking the time to savor what he consumes while giving insightful commentary on the food’s flavoring, etc. + hipster ! kenma who DIYs…many things, because he figures, let’s be honest, other people can’t be relied upon to make things correctly, not by his standards. especially when it comes to his computer, which of course he built himself: it has a fully transparent case so you can see right through to the whole display of all dazzling gear and deco inside of it, and in his words it had to be, “a state of the art custom loop with full liquid cooling”. you admit the inner flashing lights are pretty and the computer is definitely so decked out, that it's for sure one of the coolest things you’ve ever seen.

+ hipster ! kenma kinda has this weird thing that if he didn’t think of a cool idea for his twitch stream first after seeing it from another popular streamer, then he acts like it’s kinda inherently stupid, mentions how blasé it is to you and his friends, even if deep down he does find the idea interesting or appealing and probably, most definitely, would’ve adopted it himself

+ hipster ! kenma who can oftentimes hold the belief that adopting a cynical and pessimistic outlook on life makes one more intelligent and analytical, even more sophisticated or enhances his overall cleverness of mind, sad + hipster ! kenma is hot. okay. in such an understated way, which all the more makes him hotter, though he’s not fully aware of his own appeal, or perhaps only mildly—actually attracts a fair amount of bitches when he goes out to the dive bars or local music shows, ones who aren’t intimidated by his sort of mysterious appearance or superior demeanor which is bound to come off a little pretentious, but in truth, he’s actually a bit insecure and shy about being approached so often and therefore tends to stay pretty silent when that happens, unsure of how to fully deal/cope with someone who is being so direct about their interest in him. ultimately prefers the slow get-to-know-you burn when it comes to any romance: a friends first, lovers later kind of thing + hipster ! kenma is incredibly observant, especially in social situations and mostly prefers to just take everything in, only speaking when he has something truly poignant to say … or when an opportunity strikes to completely, calmly, eviscerate someone’s inane or ignorant opinion, delivering a point so smooth, he’ll crush their shitty take all in a such a demure, cool, collected and resolute manner to the point where the dumbass person in question doesn’t even know they’ve been schooled and insulted by him until the roar of jeers and laughter from the surrounding crowd are heckling the unbeknownst fool, sick burn hipster kenma + hipster ! kenma only dares to wear brighter colors when at the beach and the item of clothing is a hoodie (proclaims it’s a light and breathable one though sooo he’s not sure what everyone is making such a fuss over when you, hinata, kuroo and the rest of your beach crew kick up some sand towards him while chiming in unison to urge him to, “take it off! we’re by the ocean, bruh!”) – the brightest colors of those hoodies ever worn at the beach are either a pale mustard, burnt amber, or white with possible cool textile designs. not only that, but he’ll stick to the shade beneath the large beach parasol playing on his nintendo switch, because listen, he isn’t about to get skin cancer on account of the toxic chemicals they put in sunscreen these days just so he can catch some rays (which of course, the sun could also give one cancer) + hipster ! kenma has these annoyingly long pretty dark lashes which are framed so nicely by his non-prescription clear frame glasses, and every so often you will playfully grumble to him about how unfair that is, since he’s a boy and doesn’t even care that he’s got them, then proceed to joke by asking him to give you some of those lashes since he doesn’t in fact need all of them for looks. he’ll respond by lightly chuckling and referencing that one Clockwork Orange film scene where the main character’s eyes are forced to remain horrifically clamped open, slyly suggesting, “if you can manage to get me in a position like that, then and only then, can you have them” but don’t bother, he continues, because you’ll never get past him~~ + hipster ! kenma who, no matter what he seems like on the surface, you know in the end that he’s undeniably ride or die for his friends, 10/10 will always always have their back, willingly giving them a hand without making a big deal of it + hipster ! kenma shelled out quite a hefty price on his ‘Beats by Dre’ headphones, even though as a self-proclaimed audiophile he knows they’re nowhere near being the best on the market, only bought them for the clout, and walks around town wearing them or for his twitch streams + hipster ! kenma secretly cries to bon iver, sufjan stevens, james blake, ryuichi sakamoto, erykah badu, nick cave and portishead when he’s alone + hipster ! kenma watches a looot of documentaries

+ hipster ! kenma owns this cat shirt ↴ doesn’t wear it out in public though, only to bed, and has had it so long it’s already starting to fray at the sleeves and shoulder's seams:

+link2masterlist.

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ask-lily-curo · 8 months

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America Breaks Up With Britain Modern AU That I Did For APUSH

Words: 0.6k Started: August 25, 2023 Finished: August 28, 2023 Summary: Britain has been incredibly controlling toward America, they decide they've had enough. Based on IRL Britain and America's relationship until just before the American Revolution. A/N: Yall asked for it, here's the break up letter I turned in for an actual assignment. I think I only got one point off because of a small format thing or something but don't worry I got 50 points extra credit for reading it out loud (Note: I had to be dramatic about it for my own sake and poured water into my eyes and started reading/improvising due to the fact I couldn't read my paper very very dramatically). For those wondering, I know almost nothing about Hetalia and would like to keep it that way.

Ok Bri, we need to talk. I legit can’t handle you anymore, you are SO controlling. Ever since you decided we shouldn’t be long distance anymore, you’ve been so jealous of me just interacting with other people. I was gonna hang out with you more anyway, I wasn’t gonna leave you for Spain or something! We were just gonna trade some food and clothes or something, I wouldn’t know because I’m not allowed to see him! And you know how much I love buying such things, I’m doing it for the products not the guy!

And I know you hate France but don’t bring me into your petty squabble! How was I supposed to know my neighbors were besties with him, they pissed me off first and you knew that! When you supported me during my fight with them over which part of our backyard belonged to who, I thought, “Wow, I’m so lucky to have a guy like you” and then you went and told me not to act up again! Are you kidding me?! I’m not a child, so why are you telling me not to even use the land I just earned lest I “disturb my neighbors and get in another fight that you have to clean up.” You didn’t even have to do that!

Not only that, you keep using it as an excuse to leech off my paycheck, MY paycheck. I won’t lie, I knew we started dating so you could get a quick buck off me after you heard Spain get rich from dating my sister, but I thought we had something! Remember when you were visiting and told me all those wonderful ideas you heard from the people in Europe City (yeah I still remember your hometown, bet you don’t even remember my favorite book and even if you did, I’m sure you couldn’t read it), those inspired me! They made me think about myself and reminded me of a memory years ago when we were still long distance and I was chilling at the Burgesses restaurant thinking about you! Now, I can’t have a moment in peace away from you! You come here and insist you’ll do the shopping and then take some extra money as a way to “pay you back” for helping. Taking it when we buy sugar, paper, glass, whatever, DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I WORKED TO EARN THAT MONEY?! Then you give me some fancy clothes and furniture as a way to make it up to me, like that’ll make me forgive you for taking up my money and space. I can’t even have privacy in my own house because you barge into my room and search through my stuff because you think finding some gifts I secretly got from France justifies you continuing to survey my every action.

I really can’t stand anything you give me anymore, I’m making my own dresses and throwing out the ones you give me. I can’t even look at tea anymore despite the many moments we shared a cup together, it reminds me of you too much. I can’t stand looking at the box you gave me anymore so I threw it out. I’m so glad I could get things delivered to the house after you broke my car because of that.

I’ll admit, a part of me still remembers when you helped me back when I was still figuring out how to live and how you protected me from other people. I’ll also admit that I’m a bit scared of your friends, a part of me wants to ignore the signs and just continue on being loyal to you but I don’t know if I can allow myself to just be your lover and never my own person.

Your ex,

U. S. America

#my writing #britain #america #britain x america #apush

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mi-rae07 · 1 year

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Kang Yeosang : Dream Come True (2/4)

Pairing : Kang Yeosang (Ateez) and named character (Moon Yena)

______________

A/n : Inspired by the suggestion given to me by @cqndiedcherries

Also, if any of this sounds immature to you or anything like that, it’s supposed to. Yeosang and Yena are in high school, and so was I, once. So I realize how immature people can be while in high school, hence.

__________________

Yena walked into class the next day, walking straight to the table next to yeosang. She plopped down on it before placing yet another banana milk carton on yeosang's table, pulling out her books as she ignored the whispers behind her. Yeosang looked up from his book in shock, eyeing the classmates who were staring at yena in part shock. Only han seemed mildly satisfied.

Yeosang : why the hell are you here?

Yena : don't you think it'd be easier to earn your forgiveness if I'm closer to you?

Yeosang : and giving banana milk every day is your way to earn it?

Yena leaned against her table, resting her chin on her hand as she asked yeosang

Yena : what flavor of milk do you like, in that case?

Yeosang : you don't need to know.

Yena : except I do.

Yeosang : except I'm not telling you.

Yena frowned in dissatisfaction as yeosang went back to reading his book, trying to sit as far possible from yena as he could. But yena kept going.

Yena : what's your favorite color?

Yeosang : none of your business.

Yena : your birthday?

Yeosang : no change is my answer to that question going to bring to your prestigious life.

Yena : favorite movie?

Yeosang : oh, Sense and sensibility, 1995.

Yena snorted at his answer, knowing exactly what the movie was about. The rich and the poor, of course.

Yena : such amazing humor, yeosang-shi.

Yeosang gave yena a very obvious fake smile as he whispered

Yeosang : why, thank you, princess.

_________________

The lunch bell rang, most of the students in class running out as soon as the teacher left. Yeosang got up with his bag and was about to leave when yena asked

Yena : eat with me in the cafeteria today, no?

Yeosang : and for what? To hear the rest of the batch whisper about how I've seduced you into eating lunch with me?

Yena : why do you care so much about these people.

Yeosang : that's what happens when everyone already hates you, yena-shi, you slowly start trying to make yourself scarce so as to not get into more trouble. So no, I'm not entering the cafeteria with you.

Yeosang turned and left, leaving yena alone in the classroom. She sighed and nodded, knowing exactly what she was going to do.

_________________

Yeosang sighed as he opened the wrapper to have his kimbap, smiling at the way his mom decorated the food and added just the things he liked. Yeosang didn't wish to waste extra money in the school cafeteria, which was why he told his mother he would just buy convenience store food in the beginning of the year. But she had told him that was unhealthy, and made lunch for him every morning before leaving for work.

Yeosang took a bite of it as he leaned against the wall with a hum, looking up at the sky. And as he looked at it, he suddenly got reminded of yena. He didn't know why she was still doing this, why was someone like her trying this hard to gain his forgiveness? I mean, of course, she was indeed very rude that day but yeosang had just expected her to go along with it since it wouldn't bother her life in any way. And yet-

Yeosang's thoughts were cut off as the door to the rooftop opened, revealing yena with a plate of food in her hand. His eyes widened as yena shut the door behind her with her leg, walking up to yeosang and sitting down beside him on the floor before placing the plate on the floor as well.

Yeosang : what the hell?

Yena : what? You refused to come with me to the cafeteria so I took myself to the rooftop with lunch, what's wrong?

Yeosang groaned as he rolled his eyes, scooting away from yena who smiled and started eating her food.

Yena : I told you I was going to work hard, didn't I?

Yeosang : you don't have to get yourself a sun burn to earn my forgiveness either, yena-shi.

Yena : so you forgive me then?

Yeosang : no.

Yena : then just shut up and eat your food, kang yeosang.

Yeosang sighed as he continued eating his food, looking anywhere except at yena. Yena hummed as she said

Yena : ooh, this actually feel quite nice.

Except it didn't. yena wasn't used to this sort of a weather and sitting outside in this hot sun was making her feel like she was melting from inside. But she couldn't have care less.

_________________

A week later :

Yeosang was walking to the restroom after having had lunch with yena once again in the rooftop, realizing that the girl was not going to give up any time soon. It had been a week and yena still hadn't stopped.

One day yena pulled up to the classroom, placing a carton of milk in every flavor yeosang could think of. From strawberry, to grape to coconut, he still hadn't finished drinking them. Yeosang was forced to say that his favorite flavor was only chocholate milk, in order to prevent yena from buying yet another one of these things in different flavors.

Then another time yena bought yeosang a bouquet of tulips, which he knew stood for forgiveness. The flowers were beautiful and he still had them put up in his vase back at home.

And yet another time the teacher had asked the students to pair up for a project and the entire class wanted yena as their partner. And of course, yena had to ignore all of them completely and choose yeosang as her partner, not letting him do any work as she finished the entire project by herself and gave it to the teacher, saying the both of them had equally contributed.

Yena's ways of saying sorry were expensive, and distinct. Yeosang had been tempted to just say the words to her many times, but he didn't. because he didn't want her to stop. He knew what would happen if he forgave her, she would stop being with him, she would stop talking with him, he'd once again be non-existent in her life. And he didn't want that anymore. Yena's actions only made yeosang like her even more, the line between like and love somehow blurring. And now he didn't want her to stop at all, no matter how selfish that was of him.

Yeosang entered the bathroom and was about to walk towards the wash basin when he felt the door shut behind him with a loud bag, making yeosang turn around as he came face to face with 5 boys. Minhyun, Dan, Sehyun, Minho and Woojin. The bullies, basically. One of the reasons why yeosang always preffered going to the rooftop instead of the cafeteria. He had always barely managed to escape from their bullying, and now they were here, which meant he had done something wrong in their eyes.

Yeosang : what…what is it?

Dan : you've been hanging around with the new girl too much. So we decided you should have a small talk with us.

Talk with them, more like get bullied by them until yeosang promises not to hang out with yena anymore.

Yeosang : we're just…acquaintances.

Minho : oh, really? That's how everything starts, yeosang-ie. She's not yours to claim, so stay away from her.

Yeosang : claim? She's not a prize for me to claim her like that.

Minho : did you just talk back to me?

Yeosang's eyes widened as minho walked closer to yeosang before banging him against the nearby wall, making yeosang flinch as he realized what was coming.

Minho : you bastard.

Minho punched yeosang hard, making his head tilt to the side as he felt blood run down his lips. But yeosang did not make a sound, he wouldn't give them the satisfaction. Yeosang turned to face minho with blank eyes as he said

Yeosang : what, you're scared yena will fall for someone like me when there's boys like you waiting for her attention like some sort of a dog?

Sehyun scoffed at yeosang's words, pulling yeosang from minho's grip as he brought his face closer to him and whispered

Sehyun : do you wanna know whose restaurant your mother works in, yeosang-ah?

Yeosang's eyes widened at the mention of his mother, fear filling him. He knew the type of person sehyun and his family was, it was why he couldn't be expelled from this school despite having bullied many students here. And for him to know yeosang's mother.

Sehyun : I can make sure someone poisons her food and then cover up her murder as some suicide because of depression. Would you want that for her?

Tears filled yeosang's eyes as he lowered his head, feeling sehyun's grip on his cuff tighten with every passing second.

Yeosang : no, no please. Leave eomma alone.

Dan chuckled as he said, mockery filling his tone

Dan : look at the poor puppy now. Folding as soon as we mentioned your mother, kang yeosang?

Yeosang whimpered as sehyun threw yeosang away from him harshly, making yeosang lose balance as he fell down with a thud. Minhyun stood over yeosang, kicking him right in the gut as yeosang coughed, instinctively covering himself with his arms as the other boys laughed.

Minhyun : a weak pathetic dog like you doesn't deserve yena, ever.

Minhyun kicked yeosang once again, making him moan in pain as tears left his eyes, making all this even more embarrassing for him. He hated that he was being weak, he hated he couldn't defend himself.

Woojin : god, look at him. He's literally cry-

Woojin cut himself off as the door to the bathroom banged open, revealing a panting yena. Her eyes widened as she saw yeosang lying on the floor, refusing to even look up at her. Yena quickly ran to him, bending down as she held his arms

Yena : yeosang! Yeosang, are you hurt?

Yeosang : le-leave.

Yena looked up at the boys who were now staring at her with half shocked eyes, and half amused ones. Yena stood straight, glaring at the boys as she asked them, venom filling her tone

Yena : did you do this to him?

Dan : he fell on his own. We were just trying to-

Yena : DO NOT FUCKING LIE, YOU FUCKERS.

Some of the boys flinched at how loud she was, some other students crowding around the bathroom to see what was going on.

Sehyun : yena-

Yena : he got a cut on his lips and foot marks on his shirt just because he fell down?

Minho scoffed, rolling his eyes at the scene

Minho : are you seriously trying to defend this guy? This is so funny, yeosang has to have another girl come and fight for him? He's so pathetic, the boy can't even stand up for himself.

Yeosang felt his cheeks burn from the embarassment, more tears falling down his eyes. And as he heard the other students snickering behind him, he decided it was enough. Yena opened her mouth and was about to say something when yeosang stood up, wiping his bloody lips as he said to her

Yeosang : stop, yena. Just leave. Stop making it worse than it already fucking is.

Yena : yeo-

She couldn't complete her sentence as yeosang walked away from the restroom, pushing past the crowd of students. Yena glared at the boys as she said

Yena : you're not getting away with this.

Yena walked away from the bullies, making sure to purposefully step over the feet of one of them with her heels before leaving the bathroom.

________________________

Yeosang breathed heavily as he reached the terrace, falling on the floor as he felt the world spin around him. He bent down on the floor, clutching his stomach as sobs racked his body. He didn't know what to focus on, his physical pain or the one in his heart. He hated how everyone saw him, how he needed another person to save him from the bullies. He hated that he was so weak, he hated who he was.

Yeosang shut his eyes as he heard the door open, knowing exactly who it was. Yena ran up to yeosang, kneeling down as she said

Yena : no, no no yeosang we have to get you to a hospital.

Yeosang : why the hell are you here? Do you enjoy seeing me in pain?

Yena : no! yeosang, if you've got a hit to your gut, we must get it checked. We can go to my hospital-

Yeosang : I DON'T NEED YOUR HELP!

Yena flinched at that, staring at yeosang with hurt eyes as he glared at her with his teary ones

Yeosang : this is all your fault. If you hadn't been so close with me, those bullies wouldn't have even cared about my existence in this school.

Yena : they…they hit you because I was being close to you?

Yeosang let out a shaky breath, moving away from yena

Yeosang : just let me fucking be.

Yena : no, no you need to get some help-

Yeosang : WHY DO YOU CARE, MOON YENA!

Yena : because I don't want to see you hurt!

Yeosang paused, looking at yena as she came closer and wiped the blood that was on his lips

Yena : you're bleeding, yeosang, I hate seeing you hurt like this.

Yeosang just stared at yena, feeling his heart race at her words. No one had ever told him anything like this, no one had cared enough. Yena held yeosang's cheeks in her hands as she whispered

Yena : don't cry, please don't waste your tears on those bastards.

Yeosang looked away, feeling his eyes tear up.

Yena : yeosang-

Yena cut herself off as yeosang groaned in pain, suddenly feeling his stomach burn.

Yena : does it hurt?

Yeosang : yena.

Yena : no, don't ask me to leave. I know you don't like me, I know you probably despise me right now but since this is because of me, I need to fix it.

Yeosang looked up at yena, wanting to tell her she was wrong. He didn't hate her, hell, he couldn't even if he tried. But before he could yena stood up straight, pulling yeosang's body closer to her as he fell on her weakly.

Yena : like it or not, I'm getting you help.

_________________________________

Doctor : he's asleep right now but there's nothing serious, he'll just have abdominal pains for a day or two before he's back to normal again. The hit was hard, but it wasn't hard enough to break anything in him. Just make sure he's fine in the future.

Yena nodded at the doctor while standing right outside yeosang's room. She had brought him to her hospital as soon as possible, not even bothering to explain anything to the teachers.

Doctor : mr moon and mrs shin will be here shortly, they had gone for a business meeting a while ago.

Yena : yeah, that's alright. Thank you very much, doctor bae.

Doctor : ay, don't worry about it. You're our director's daughter, our top priority. Anyone who's close to you would be our top priority as well.

Yena smiled and nodded as the she bowed at the doctor who patted her head and left, leaving yena alone. She sighed as she opened the door to yeosang's room, stepping inside as she sat on the chair next to yeosang's bed. She placed her hand on top of yeosang's, looking at the boy who was sleeping beside her.

God, why wasn't he taken already, yena thought. He was beautiful, beautiful in a way even the goddesses would be awed of. The girls in her school were so fucking stupid.

Yena looked up as she heard the door open a few minutes later, taking her hands off as she stood up, bowing at her parents who entered the room. Her father looked at yeosang as he asked

Yohan : this is the boy who was hurt?

Yena : yes, kang yeosang.

Yeseul : the…boy whom you accused of stealing-

Yena : yes, him.

Yeseul looked at yeosang with an amused look as she said

Yeseul : he's handsome for someone who got bullied by a bunch of boys.

Yena pressed her lips together, nodding her head. Her father sighed as he said

Yohan : then it's our obligation to make the treatment free for him. Doctor bae said he was going to be alright soon, didn't he?

Yena : yes, he's just asleep for now.

Yeseul : do you want me to talk to the school authorities about what happened? I can get those boys thrown out within an hour.

Yena shook her head as she said

Yena : no, this is something that I need to deal with. Throwing those boys out of the school would be the easy way out for them. For having hurt yeosang, they deserve much worse.

_________________________________

Yeosang groaned as he opened his eyes, the bright lights hurting his eyes, making it squint. As it finally adjusted to the light, his eyes landed on the figure that was sitting next to him, staring at him with her hawk eyes. Yeosang flinched, making yena nod

Yena : yeah okay, you're awake now.

Yeosang : what…where am I?

Yena : do you not remember? You're in my parent's hospital.

Yeosang's eyes widened, his eyes scanning around as he asked

Yeosang : so then your parents-

Yena : they're in their office rooms. It's just me here right now. They did come to visit you a while ago though.

Yeosang : oh no. I didn’t bow to them or anything when they came in, it's disrespectful-

Yena : you were unconscious, yeosang, I don't think they'd mind.

Yeosang pressed his lips together, looking away.

Yena : do you feel alright now?

Yeosang : s-sort of. How long has it been?

Yena : a few hours. It's 9pm currently.

Yeosang : oh no no.

Yeosang quickly tried sitting up, yena holding onto his arm to steady him as she said

Yena : if this is about your mother, I called her up. I mean, my parents did. I didn't know your mother worked until 9pm. She said she'd come here as soon as her shift was over. Which means, any time soon.

Yeosang felt a small smile spread on his lips as he looked at yena, suddenly feeling grateful for the things she had done for him.

Yeosang : thank you.

Yena : for what?

Yeosang : everything. For bringing me here, taking care of me, calling my mother, everything.

Yena chuckled, booping his nose as she whispered

Yena : I told you giving up was not in my blood, didn't I?

_________________________________

3 days later :

Yena walked towards the boys locker room with a determined gaze, knowing she wasn't allowed in on there. But she didn't care, no one was allowed to bully anyone else either. Yena opened the door to the boys locker room, stepping in as her eyes landed on the only 5 boys inside. Bingo.

Yena walked towards them as one of them frowned, scanning yena with that gaze of his.

Woojin : what the he-

Woojin cut himself off with a groan as yena punched him hard in the face, making him hold his nose in pain. All the other boys looked shocked, giving yena some satisfaction

Sehyun : what the fuck was that for?

Yena : are you acting stupid or are you actually just braindead?

Woojin : this-

Woojin stepped forward and was about to say something when yena held her hand up and said

Yena : please, cut the bullshit. I told you, didn't I? that I wasn't going to let you all get away with it?

Minho : so what, this is still about that yeosang?

Yena : yes it is, it most likely always will be.

Minho snorted as he laid his hands on his hips before asking

Minho : you like him?

Yena : like or not, you will not hurt him again.

Minhyun : and if we do? What are you going to do about it? Tell your little daddy about it?

Yena smirked, tilting her head as she said

Yena : then I would've done that way earlier, minhyun-shi.

Sehyun : then what, you're going to try and beat us up or something?

Yena : that'd be stupid of me, wouldn't it? 1 versus 5?

Sehyun : then what the fuck are you here for?

Yena : money.

The boys snorted, finding that ridiculous when it came from her.

Yena : seems like all of you have a lot of that? then this must be very easy for you. 8000 dollars, by tomorrow. It needs to be handed over to the receptionist at my hospital a few kilometers away from this school. You can decide how to split them among yourselves.

Minho : and what the hell are you going to use that for?

Yena : paying yeosang's hospital bills, of course. Yes, it is my own hospital and my parents are wholly capable of making it free of charge for yeosang, but why should they? And why should yeosang pay the price for something you bitches did?

The boys stared at yena as she smiled before saying

Yena : it's called damage control, baby. Either do that, or get yourselves out of this school yourself. I do not wish to waste my time on stupid procedures.

Yena turned and was about to leave when Dan banged her against a wall, trapping yena against it with his arm.

Yena raised her eyebrows, looking up at dan with unconcerned eyes

Yena : really.

Dan : what if we won't do either of that?

Yena : well then, I'd have to come up with my own creative ways.

Dan : we can come up with one ourselves as well. I can bang you against this wall, letting my boys take their turns with you and not let anyone know outside. How does that sound for you?

Yena was about to say something when a voice was suddenly heard around the room

Yeosang : touch her, and I'm going to break every single bone in your body.

Yena's eyes widened as she looked at yeosang entering the locker room, shutting the door behind him while his hands were still buried in his pocket.

Yena : yeosang! You're not supposed to be here.

Yeosang : neither are you.

Yeosang's eyes turned to look at minho as he laughed, finding this ridiculous.

Minho : oh wow, the weak puppy is here again making huge demands. How sweet of him.

Yeosang did not respond to those words as he grabbed dan's hand, twisting it around as he pulled dan away from yena forcefully. Dan groaned in pain, trying to push yeosang away but that coming to no use.

Yena : no wait, let go-

Yena cut herself off as yeosang pushed dan to the ground, making the boy fall right in front of minho's feet as he clutched his arm in pain. Yeosang smirked at dan as he said

Yeosang : guess you're going to have to spend more than 8000 dollars on hospital fees after all, hmm?

Minhyun : this little-

Minhyun stepped forward and was about to grab yeosang by the neck when he punched minhyun right in the gut, making minhyun cough as he stepped back in pain.

Yeosang : feels amazing, doesn't it?

Minhyun looked up at yeosang as he grabbed minhyun by the hair, making him face yeosang as he took out his phone, clicking a picture of both dan and minhyun. Yeosang kicked minhyun away from him after, making the boy fall down as well as woojin flinched.

Yeosang : pay the sum yena asked all of you to, otherwise I'm not going to be the only one who has these pictures on their phone.

The boys stared at yeosang in shock as he chuckled and whispered

Yeosang : you don't want the whole school to know about how a weak little puppy managed to beat up two big trashcans now, do we?

Yeosang flicked his phone at the boys before putting it back into his pocket, grabbing yena's hand as he walked out of the locker room with her.

___________________

Taglist : @anyamaris @cqndiedcherries

___________________

#kang yeosang #yeosang #ateez yeosang #ateez #ateez ff #ateez angst #ateez fluff #yeosang angst #yeosang fluff #yeosang ff #kpop ff #kpop angst #kpop flashing gif #ff #angst

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amphibautistic · 9 months

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today was supposed to be like... not necessarily a good day but a day where I could get shit done and feel good about myself

I had 3 errands- to donate my cat's food he's allergic to, sell old clothes at a thrift shop, and pick up my library book

Instead... I left my house this morning already running late, still sleep deprived, and found that not only had someone stolen another one of my yard signs, but they had also literally broken my flag pole (which had my pride flag) off of my house

At the time I was able to take it in stride and got my first errand done, dropped off the cat food before the shelter closed. And then I started feeling vulnerable and I needed to kill time before the thrift shop opened so I went and spent money on a coffee and treat from the queer owned cafe. I walked around the pet store nearby too

Finally I drive over to the thrift store, which is out of my way enough that it's annoying and I've been putting it off for months. But i have a massive bag of old clothes and I'm determined bc I need to get money for these so I can afford to get new clothes again and it'll feel good to finally have them gone

And... I bring in a massive ikea bag of clothes and they take less than half of them. I get roughly $20 in store credit and use half of it on a single pair of jeans. When I walk out they give me back the remaining clothes they didn't buy, and the bag is still heavy enough to feel disappointing

I go to another thrift shop nearby and have to park out of the way, walking a few extra blocks with this bulky bag of clothes, and wait my turn to sell. They also reject everything and send me off with the same amount I walked in with. I stew in the fact that thrift shops are so much pickier than they used to be (these clothes arent in awful condition or anything- they're just used), and also wtf happened to their prices? I can't find anything under $30 here.

Meanwhile, in the background of my mind, I am aware that both of these shops are in a known queer friendly neighborhood in Minneapolis and the cafe was in a known queer friendly neighborhood in St Paul... I'm currently around more queer people than I've seen in one place than I've been in a year, with the exception of pride.

I have yet to find anyone else in my neighborhood, also in the cities proper, who is queer and I have to deal with people ripping my flagpole off my house bc it has a rainbow flag. I work in the suburbs and I'm the only queer+trans person in my office and I spend my days just choking on cishet old fashioned gender norms and surrounded by the smog of it. The isolation has fucked with my mental health in a big way and here I'm just... reminded that me moving to the city to be around more queer people was functionally a waste bc I can't afford to live in The Right Place for a gayborhood.

I don't buy anything from the thrift shop, and I've accepted I won't get anything for these perfectly reasonable used clothes. So I go to goodwill to donate them. This errand was supposed to have one stop and it turned into three, and I'm feeling fairly low at this point. So I go in to buy some shoes bc I only have like 2 functional pairs, and the point of this whole outing was to make money so I could afford new clothes/shoes. So instead of making anything I buy 2 pairs of shoes and spend like $23.

Old clothes are gone and I'm still feeling sour. The plan is to go to the library and go home, but I figure I'm running low on food and will need to grocery shop anyways. More money spent. Finally get my book and head home.

Still stewing when I get home and I know I need to spend more bc one of my pairs of shoes has no laces, and I need a new bracket for my flagpole. But I'm just about done at this point. This isn't the first time people have fucked with my pride stuff and initially my plan was just to replace it over and over but.... honestly after 30 years and having worked so hard to have my place, I dont have patience for letting other people ruin it.

So I bought some barbed wire to put on my flagpole and yard signs, for the next asshole who thinks they can just grab it.

And like. I stand by this decision. I stand by all my spent money today as a correct decision... but now my budget is entirely thrown off and I won't get a meaningful paycheck for 2 weeks and I'm just sitting here in shame honestly. I need to save money, need to get back to where I was before having to get my car back in April.

But honestly my life is just so full of garbage right now. Like just today's events don't even get into the half of it and I can pay bills but not much more. And ffs I don't feel like a person anymore. I don't feel like I can afford to be a person bc doing anything costs money. And I've been doing this so long and it's all completely by myself with no one to back me up and no additional income in sight and it isn't fucking fair.

There's no actual point to this post but I'm so. So tired of needing to be perfect all the time and life just grinding me to a fine pulp regardless. I'm tired of being punished for trying to take care of myself. I'm tired of being completely alone with no support and a mental health state that I can't remember having since I was closeted in high school.

I still feel like such a failure and I don't know what to do.

#long rambly vent post #there is no point to this post #life just fucking sucks and i needed to get it out

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captainknell · 1 year

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Very long and random personal rant/back story. Feel free to skip.

A decade ago, if you would have asked me where I'd see myself in 10 years, it would not be where I am now. My husband and I are married and have 3 kids, we've bought 2 houses since and several cars, and have a large Napoleonic collection. Back then, I had just moved over 200 miles away from my family to move in with my new boyfriend (now my husband). I moved into an apartment that he shared with his sister. He had his own place, car, paid his own bills,a good job, and a second job for extra money. So that was way ahead of my previous boyfriends already. The thing was, I had never had a job and didn't know that I was spoiled. I tried to get a job and it took forever. I was 19 looking for a first job and there were 14 year olds out there working already. So although my husband could support himself, money soon became tight with me in there as well. Sometimes we would scrape by to the next paycheck with mere cents in the bank. This was back when McDonald's had a dollar menu and we lived mostly off of that and ramen noodles. His sister got mad at me one time because I ate her box of moon pies. I stretched it out for the whole week and didn't eat much else. She moved out not long after. I cried one time when we had enough money to cook and we were going to have spaghetti and I was used to having shredded parmesan cheese on top but my husband said we couldn't afford the cheese. On Tuesdays, his grandpa invited us to a Mexican restaurant to see a band play. We would eat the free chips and salsa. He noticed that we never ordered food and soon began paying for a meal for each of us. Unfortunately, he got injured at work and couldn't afford to feed us anymore. He'd get some guacamole and that would be my food on Tuesdays. Sometimes I'd drive to his Grandma's house to do the laundry so we didn't have to pay for it at the apartment. She would feed me. We'd go to parties that friends would have, just to eat some food. Eventually I got a fast food job and our situation improved. We got married and had a baby, bought a house, moved in, and had another baby. Due to a very bad situation, we lost our baby sitter and I was unable to work. We lived off of baby food sometimes. We always made sure we had food for our babies so when our food ran out... Well that was the only option. I can tell you which ones taste good and which ones I would not recommend. We had to cut something out of our budget to survive so I picked paper towels. I know how to sew, so I just made some cloth ones that could be washed and reused. His grandma came over to visit and asked for a paper towel. I gave her a cloth one and explained. She said she would buy us some. I said no, we needed food, not paper towels. She bought paper towels and I was mad. (Looking back, my husband didn't initially remember this but when I reminded him, he got mad at me and said I should just have said thank you.) My husband took a second job once again and was gone for 16 hours a day, most days. He was making great money but he was so exhausted and I was losing my mind trapped in the house with two babies but at least we could afford food. Finally, we decided to move in with my parents to get our money situation under control. As much as I didn't want to live with them, the amount of relief that came over me when we left our first house was overwhelming. My husband transferred from his job there to one here and quickly quit. His new store was toxic and he wasn't having it. He told me that he walked out as I was walking in to an interview. "I just quit. No pressure." Yikes. Somehow I got my second job and have been there (with several promotions, I might boast) for almost 6 years now. I was able to put him thru nursing school and just last year we were able to buy a place of our own again. And have another baby.

#personal rant #back story #where do you see yourself in 10 years #not here thats for sure

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glittergutts · 1 year

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I've been having a stressful morning. And I need to process my thoughts about preparing for treatment.

First we couldn't figure out the money to get all the stuff I need to take to treatment and I had a cry about feeling like I shouldn't even go. I didn't know all my vitamins and supplements had to be unopened until the other day and it cost a lot to buy all at once.

Figured it out with the last of our available credit and my supplements and stuff should be here tomorrow and Sunday just in time for me to leave Monday morning.

Loki is extra whiney today. Like he won't chill out and I want to yell because I do not understand what he wants. I wish he would lay down and let me rub him when I'm sad. He refuses to be comforting.

My anxiety started getting really bad when I was on the phone with my mom and she was slamming me with question after question. She's always like that but today I couldn't handle it. She's asking things I can't answer and reminding me how out of control even my best plan is.

So after awhile I took the anxiety pill and convinced myself to get out of bed. I found some pretzels that looked pretty plain and a Gatorade and even though I barely had any of either I feel uncomfortably full. I think all the days of skipping food has started to really hurt my body.

I got the okay to bring ensure drinks to treatment but I'm not even sure if I like them I just have to have the calories in a drink (because i cant fucking eat 360 calories at once) so I can take my latuda and I normally drink a Chai protein thing at home. I'm going to ask Chris to bring home a few flavors I can try so I can figure out which type to buy.

The food at treatment is close to nothing. They do cook dinners but it's always meat or something I don't eat so I have to fend for myself the whole stay. Once I lived off orange cups and plain Oatmeal for 12 days. I was so happy to eat again when I discharged.

I hope it's better this time I wish I was allowed to just bring my own food but I understand why they don't allow that.

I need to wash all my laundry today so I can figure out what clothes I'm bringing and get my bag ready. I'm waiting on a night gown from Amazon. I don't want to sleep in a big tee shirt there like I do at home because it doesn't feel safe and private to be pantsless. I bought a nice pair of sleep shorts when I went a few years ago and I'm going to bring those again and I think having 2 sleep outfits should be fine as long a I don't have sweat nightmares. They have laundry there if I do need to wash anything.

Also because of covid the rooms aren't shared anymore so I have the privacy to use the bathroom or change or sleep in my room whenever I want to. Hell I can take a shower at 3 am and nobody would stop me. Although I'll be trying to sleep and behave like the functional person I want to be. It's just a relieving idea to have some space and freedom.

I'm desperately hoping having the time to focus on my needs and health will let me leave a little better of a person or at be able to take better care of myself and family. I'm tired of letting myself down.

I found some nice skincare things in mini containers I can bring with that will make shower time a little more enjoyable. I have some fidget toys in a bag and some art supplies with a folder that has paper and coloring sheets inside. I'm going to bring my comfort pillow and my favorite squishmallow plushies. I just need to take a few pictures of my family and I feel like I tried my best to bring comfort with me. I got to order aromatherapy balm sticks because I can't have essential oils and I don't see why I couldn't have these so I feel good about my supply of comfort things.

I used to take so much klonapins and do normal stuff like safely drive my car but I feel heavily medicated this time like I need to lay down. At least I'm not having a panic attack and I had some food.

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brokenmusicboxwolfe · 2 years

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Well, today’s shopping trip sucked.

Money, obviously, was a big problem. I’d had an extra $100, so that I can get gas, but just the essentials ended up eating into it. At least I have $30 for some gas, but can NOT afford to do this.

Part of it was the nuttiness of the cat food. The dog food and hog food have gone up too, but at least they were available. With catfood over half the aisle was empty. There were only little 15lb bags of the more expensive brands, and I usually buy 30lb bags of a cheaper brand. So there I was, frantically figure out on the back of my shopping list what the cheapest way was to get the minimum of 90lbs of feed to last two weeks….and discovering I was going to be stuck spending a LOT more money than usual.

(The animals do NOT appreciate me! I didn’t buy myself spinach or crackers or several other things I’d had on my list, but I got everything they need. )

My budget was always tight. I used to have $200 a month left for anything that cropped up, and now I have $20 if I’m lucky. I don’t have any way of getting more money, so I guess I need to figure out how to cut back on food. That’s the only wiggle room left, and even there I don’t buy luxuries…unless you count a store brand $2 package of mozzarella to make myself a pizza once a month a luxury.

I am thinking I should give up on the hot water heater. It runs on kerosene, and at the rate the cost of it is going up I can’t keep it running. This was at least the fourth trip in a row when I couldn’t buy my usual amount to stay ahead of usage, and the tank is starting to get dry. I guess boiling water on the stove for showers and doing dishes isn’t the end if the world. I’ve done it for months before when the tank had a leaks. I just kinda hate it.

NO, I can’t get a new hot water heater that runs on something else. What part of being broke do you not understand?

Anyway, I was broke, and being reminded of it made me worry.

Then I made an idiot of myself.

Twice I got talking to guys I’ve been friendly with in stores. Yes, they are employees and I know I shouldn’t think if them as friends…but yeah, we feel like friends. Our chats tend to be two sided, so I know about their woes too. can ask if one is feeling better from his surgery, or if the other has gotten a break from the repair work at his home. I am always glad to see them because their “How are you doing?” feels legit.

Ugh, though. Today I was venting and rambling all over the place. I talking mile a minute, like a verbal about everything I’ve been dealing with. It was like one of my posts on here, except worse. I fear I’ve spoiled this treasured and rare bit of friendliness but saying too much . I half expect they will dread seeing me next time.

Anyway, by the time I was heading home it was already dark, and it decided to pick that time to rain. I was already all damp with sweat (it was above 80F, despite being November) so it wouldn’t have been a problem except for all the groceries getting wet. Soggy flour ain’t fun. I tried to speed up the process of moving the groceries up the driveway with a dolly/hand cart, only the tired were flat and one wheel stopped turning. My flashlight failed. The bags tore and spilled out in the mud. I slipped on the wet leaves on the ramp. The cats were all under foot for their supper, and Ryoga was shouting for his. I felt like shouting back!

#my day #venting #shopping #rambles #tired #poverty

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thezoeydiaries · 1 month

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Entry #6

Hello~

I have returned from my writing hiatus and I feel incredibly stuck. I never really understood the phrase "Choking under pressure" until I experienced what being a responsible adult feels like.

I grew up having a comfortable life. We could afford little luxuries here and there on top of basic needs. And I grew up never needing to ask for anything. Don't get me wrong, I didn't grow up spoiled, I never really asked for stuff from my mom or family. Even if it was a toy, food, or a trip I wanted, I just didn't ask them.

As long as I had the basic things: food, house, clothes/shoes, and of course, allowance (from when I was still in school) then I was already set. Anything else like pang-projects from school or extracurriculars, mga gala, events that I wanted to be part of —lahat yun from ipon ko sa allowance. It's not because I couldn't ask them for money or something, kasi there were times din naman na if I didn't have ipon then I'd ask them to pay for stuff I need for school. (Take note: for school lang, kasi if it's a personal expense I'd rather pay for it myself). In short, I learned about financial literacy at a young age. I knew that it was not easy making money, and living abroad when I was younger just strengthened my views on how hard it is to attain financial security.

*Excuse the way I look, kakatapos ko lang maglaro sa arawan jan lol*

*My mom loved putting my photos in Magazine covers. Trust me napakarami kong pictures noong bata na cover ako ng magazine haha*

Even when I was a kid, I always viewed my family status as "having just enough", I would never assume that we had extra money for anything else nor did I know how much my family makes. Ever since talaga I don't ask my family to buy me the trendiest clothes, or shoes, I just wear what I have in my closet. Some are hand-me-downs, others mga gifts nila or pasalubong, or when we go shopping they already get me stuff on their own pero there was not one instance that I asked them if they could buy me something I liked, I would just nod if they asked for my opinion.

I'm also not the type to change my phone or my gadgets kapag may newly released stuff. Most of the things I have are either gifts or hand-me-down ng family members kasi they're the ones who usually upgrade often. So most of the things I have were given to me freely and grateful ako na they have good taste so I also like the things they buy for me. Siguro kaya hindi rin ako pala-hingi is because before I could ask for something —they've already provided it for me. And I've gotten used to this until I finished College.

It's not like they stopped providing for me, it's just that I needed to step up and provide for myself, and also help out with the bills. I'm not gonna lie, it's brutal. Being responsible financially to provide, puts a lot of pressure on a person. I'm not a breadwinner or anything like that, we all work in our family (except for lola of course), and yes I do make a decent living, but it's still not enough to cover expenses.

Especially, when there are cases where you need to put out money for emergencies and there are payables that need to be taken care of while it's still weeks away from payday...it just stresses me out big time. Because while you may have the money to pay for stuff, once you take care of all the expenses, you still need money left to make it through the next salary cut-off.

And being a 24 (or 20-poor as I say it) year old, with an almost 20-hour job (I work in media: for 3 shows to be precise), living in a 2-person household with 2 pets, the living expenses can get pretty high. For the last 2 years, I have been earning more than my mom, because my job allows me to have a salary increase depending on how many shows I can handle. And while that may sound tempting, I do have to remind you that I work almost 20 hours a day for most of the week. The workload is really heavy and I don't get to do much with my time besides go to bed and work then repeat. (and that's not even including the random rakets I have besides my tv shows).

I have this goal that I want to be able to provide for my Mom on my own, that's why I don't pressure her to work as hard to earn. When I was still studying, she was the sole provider. And her job, on top of her basic salary, had many incentives including a monthly salary increase every time she booked clients with big case counts. She works in finance and banking btw (investments and insurance). But when I graduated, I didn't pressure her to book many clients, and she's been living off of her basic salary. So I have been managing most of the expenses we have.

I'm not going to go into much detail but living in Manila, things get crazy expensive even if you don't live lavishly. Kami ni Mom, simple lang kami, we don't go out often or buy things, pero yung expenses namin monthly is malaki talaga because we choose to pay for comfort. And even if we only pay for basic stuff, it does put a lot of pressure on me to make ends meet kahit na we're both working (Hello inflation I see you). So for the past few months, it has been really hard financially, and I just feel stuck.

God always provides. He sustains us. But siyempre, you can't leave everything to God —you also have to find ways to make things work. God can move mountains, but you have to take a step. And now, I just feel so stressed out with responsibilities paired up with my work obligations —I am losing sleep (And I don't have a lot of those). I don't really know why I'm writing this, I know it doesn't really resolve things. But I guess, I just want to let it all out.

I have been used to living simply, and like I have stated above hindi ako maluho na tao or magastos sa sarili. And I am working so hard and literally grinding to the bone, and yet I still can't cover all of the expenses. It's frustrating for me. I'm sure a lot of people experienced this on the daily. And I feel for those people na lumalaban ng patas pero nahihirapan kalabanin yung realidad ng buhay. It's not easy living, I get it. Mahal mabuhay sabi nga nila. But regardless we still have to keep going because there really is no other choice but that.

*I absolutely love and adore these people. Some friendships faded, but others are here to stay. I cherish those who are still there.*

On paper, I make more than most of my other peers (Not to brag, I'm just trying to paint a picture). My salary range is higher than most entry-level jobs even though I had this job a few months after graduation. And while yes, technically I do make more, my peers naman get to do more with their salaries and get to experience more things than I do. They have a life outside of work, their social life is alive when mine's pretty much dead hanging on a cliff somewhere with my employment contract.

I just don't feel young anymore. I don't feel like I'm getting to enjoy my young adult years because I have such big responsibilities compared to my friends. I feel like after College, working has aged me so much that I don't even look like myself from before I started working. And my co-workers agree to that when they were looking at my company ID. I understand na there are other people with bigger problems like if you compare them to mine, I know you'd say "OH POOR YOU HUHU BOO FREAKING HOO", and I know some would say "Well that's life and that's reality so suck it up". But that's not really going to change anything.

And now feeling the way I do, I have this guilt inside of me for thinking and feeling this way when the reason why I work as hard as I do is because it's for my family. Hindi naman nila ako pinilit na magtrabaho ng ganito and ako rin naman yung umaako ng responsibility so I need na panindigan to kasi I want to provide eh. But all at the same time I'm already tired of finding solutions to problems financially all while I'm working my ass off to provide tapos kulang parin. Then I get sucked up into a space where all I could think of is how many sacrifices and how much hard work it took for them to raise me and provide for me, tapos ako ang bata ko pa ganito na agad ako kapagod? na i feel shameful that I'm already this tired when for most of my life I have been provided for. I know it invalidates how I feel, pero the guilt is there every time na gusto ko magrant. That somehow I have no right to feel this tired.

I am being very vulnerable on this page right now. I don't know if I could ever show this to someone or face anyone who could read what I wrote on this blog. But I just need an outlet for my feelings right now because I don't think another person in my life could equally relate to how I feel. And that's what this blog is for —to be my friend when I'm in need.

I've been ranting on here for hours now, and I still haven't found a solution to my problems. I wish I could say that it felt better to release, but honestly it feels just the same. I can't go to sleep because I slept for 12 hours straight, I ignored work today, my friends are all busy, and my head is too fuzzy to focus on anything on the internet, I also couldn't read anything because I'm in a dark cold room and I refuse to open my lights. I can't listen to music right now because my head's all noisy, and I don't have the energy to interact with another living being despite having rested for half a day.

So what do you do when you literally can't do anything? I chose to write instead. And I feel like I should end this blog right now because I have nothing else to say.

*CTTO of the images in this blog post.

So good bye! Till next time <3

Love,

Zoey na pagod na maging adult

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freefallthoughtless · 4 months

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So it’s the end of the month. I’m always bad at managing my money, I’m an impulse spender.

Which also means that for the first two weeks of the month I eat whatever I want, whenever I want, and it’s usually a bit too much and unhealthy foods.

But for the last two weeks of the month I can only just buy enough food for 2 meals a day. So no snacks and no eating takeout, and counting every single day ahead, planning the few food items I can by, and trying to make them last as long as possible.

It’s quite sad really. But it’s my own fault.

Inevitably this also means that my weight goes up in the beginning of the month, and then down at the end of the month

Tomorrow is pay day. Which means more food again.

But I’ve barely eaten 1200-ish calories for days now, and I’ve lost 4 kg’s in a week.

I have some bread in the oven right now, getting toasted.

And I had to really mentally force myself to allow myself to eat this. Because any weight loss triggers me to want more and more, even though I’m comfortable in my body, and even though I try to remind myself that going down this restrictive road again is absolutely horrible for my mental health.

It’s 3am. I haven’t eaten in 12 hours and yet I still spent an hour telling myself to just wait with food until 6am, cause then it would be a new day.

And it’s extra stressful because tomorrow (well later today really) I’m going to McDonald’s with a friend. So is it really necessary to eat bread and butter right now, even though I’m really hungry, knowing that I’ll eat high calorie junk food in about 9 hours?

All of this fucking sucks and I’m eating that fucking bread and butter and the thoughts can go fuck the fuck off cause I’m hungry. And I don’t have any other food in my house so there’s not much choice to be had. Im so hungry. So I’ll eat.

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mrkjmd · 4 months

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hi i am mark ignacio jumoad, and i am gonna talk about my carreer. i started playing basketball late at grade 7. and i really wanted to join or play for the school, to be a varsity, at claret school of lamitan. specially at southern city colleges because it was my dream to be a varsity here and i have a lot of idols in this school. but my mom doesn’t want me to go in zamboanga at scc, because i was so young at that time. and no one will take care of me, because that time i was so spoiled i dont even how to cook food for myself and so i decided to stay in lamitan basilan. when i was grade 7, i started to train with the seniors. and i was only the youngest player to be with them, even everyone was laughing at me my friends, my classmates, my subject teachers. but i still continue because i have a dream and no one can stop me. and every practice everyone is bullying and laughing at me specially the captain ball. they always throw the ball at my face and at my head and they always hit me a punch in my chest and everypart of my body. and one day the captain ball told me (bobo ka di ka gagaling) i always cry, and i always remind myself do not give up for my dreams even the situation is hard. i always pay their recess like buying them food because if i dont, they will tell me i cannot train with them and they will bully me and hit me a punch. until grade 8 intrams, my hardwork paid me, my section became the champion. and i carry the team. and they still bully me at the same time but still keep on working even what they are doing to me. and my coach let me play the varsity team at claret of lamitan. i was going to play with the team before 2 weeks the league will start school to school.

until pandemic came and didnt play and i cry every night, but i still didnt give up, even it’s pandemic, my mom buy me a ball and she let my uncle build a basketball court in my house area. every day i train myself to be better, every morning before i eat breakfast every afternoon and at every night. because i promise to myself no matter how hard the situation is, i will never give up on my dreams, until 6 months later, there was a comming league in basilan balas, lamitan city basketball league. and i was the one was selected at mayor ibrahim ballaho (MIB) with an import players from scc. and i was so happy that time, our boss sponsors as money,food,slippers and shoes. even my coach don’t give playing time every game. and we became champions at this league. but still everyone is bullying me because i didn’t able to contribute to the team. (pabuhat kalang sa team)

when the league ends, and pandemic, my mib import friend bring me to this team, because the coach of this team is the school i dreamed when i was grade 7 is the coach of scc, there was a tryout at ifm idols, before the tryout everyone was laughing and bullying and my friends was backstabbing me because i could not make the team, everyone was judging me. they told me there was a player that is very good at playing but still not got selected (dito nga bangko kalang doon pa ata sa zc?) and still didnt believe them because nothing is impossible for my dreams. and the tryouts goes by there i met my best friends now zach habing and nurben muktimar, and ididnt not got selected, but i still not give up. because this is just the beginning. and the players who got selected will go to scc and practice basketball. i always ask them if what time the practice was. while the practice was going, everyone is laughing and judging me. except habing and nurben. thats the reason we became bestfriends they always motivate me and advice me. and they always invite me to go to grandstand to workout with them for more improvements. because for us, the team practice was not enough to make us tired. because we always push our self to the limits.

we always hangout together and always invite me to do extra work with them even i am not a better basketball player.

as the time goes, my coach decided to let me play at southern city colleges because they see my potential and improvements and they like my attitude no absence in practice. and i got more motivated and i go to the gym after our team practice. and i met this guy my workout buddy because every late night at tumaga putik road i go to the court after i gym, like i always go at 6pm and go home at 10 pm. and he is a player from lassale de manila, he taught me all the workouts in la salle. 4 months later i have achieved seasons mvp and mythical 5 best shooting guard.

after that there was a comming league in scc, prisaa and we reached nationals, our rivals was the team of manila, bicol, claabarzon and more, and i wasted the the opportunity. i was so nervous because that was my first time playing with the team and with players of manila. and i let everyone down and i my confidence was so low at the time.

and after 1 week someone ramdomly ask me if i wanted to play at their team at basilan. and i play in basilan and i got the most worst injury i had, and i got recovered 2 months and my confidence was already low that time, and there is a tryout at scc intrams and i didn’t got selected. i got depressed, and i rest 1 week to think what to do, but still i didn’t give up i always push my self to the limits. until i had my confidence. and i told habing and nurben so lucky they always got selected every leagues and events, and they adviced me not to hurry up your time will come. still workout and do extra work like i always go home at 11. to be better. and one day we met jomari alfaro from san se bastian and peter alfaro from san beda. they teach us all the drills, and one day jomari alfaro and coach marcial told me, that only weakness i had was confidence, and i apply it every single day. and it work!! the team tumaga sleacted me. and the alavar selected me, and coach let me play again in prisaa college category with alampay, misuari, and esperame. and we became 3x3 prisaa champions in zc and we are on the way soon going to pagadian to play ball. and my coach told me this comming league (FBZ) i was going to play with my bestfriends ben and habing. for the first time, after i always not able to be selected every leagues and events. and now, who bullies me back then at claret is still there doing nothing and i can confidently say that i am better than them. but still hide it in my heart and mind because i am not like that. i want to be humble person.

the reason why we took this photo with my bestfriends, because i always ask their jerseys everytime they were in the league they always got selected but now, i am with them.

this is my career story. i am thankful to God and my parents and to my beastfriends and to all my supporters, and until now, i always to the gym after practice and always do extra work, and still everyday i am still gaining more confidence because some day, my hardwork will pay me. and the lesson i learned. always be confident, i you do not believe your self, no one will do it for you. and i am so thankful to myself. no matter no one believes me and everytime the situation is hard. still try and try and go on. i still hope for more improvements more confidence more leagues and events will come in Gods plan 🙏 and i every night i always pray to be a pba player soon! sana palarin!(malayo na, pero malayo pa)

“you may see me struggle, but you will never see me quit”

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tinyorangepotato · 2 years

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this shouldn't bother me and I'm def not bringing it up to the person I'm vagueing but I dont understand how people don't understand gifts. like ita the intent of giving money or the thought/meaning of giving a gift.

giving a gift is a way to give soemone soemthing that you thought they would like and that they don't have/won't buy for themselves. If you give me any amount of money (I lied. any money over 20 bucks) I'm putting it into savings immediately. I will not have anything physical to show for your gift. you give me and item and I'll display it on a shelf or whatever the use is and fuck yeah you thought I would like it and I do. there was thought behind it and it shows that you might listen to what intrests me or whatever and all that.

like I have bought I think 4 or 5 knives (all as Christmas presents) that's each was 40 dollars plus. In the foreseeable future, I would never spend that much on a knife for myself but I would want it. you give me the 50 bucks that you bought the knife with because you saw I wanted that but didn't have the spare money to buy it, I'm still not buying it. That is just going to something else whether that be food or gas or just savings.

It's also how, at least I, show I care. I listened and knwo what intrests you and you think would be cool (at leats I hope I get it right) and I do not speak emotions or physically show them. I give something that reminded me of the person or go out of my way to do soemthing. hell I drove an extra 3-4 last Saturday to get my friend (around a 40 minute drive), drive them to a Halloween party they were invited to (an hour away from them), and then drove them back home and had to drive home myself. All after a full day of work and feeling like shit mentally the days before. Because they don't get to do things like that (leave the house mainly) and it was the first time they would see their friend in real life (I stayed with them and I knew the guy too) and they were excited for it. so I was more than happy to go and drive them even if I do complain.

I don't know. I can see how someone doesn't understand dor how they dont think this way but it woudl be nice for others to see soemthing and be like "hey, tiny would like this. let me get it for them".

and my friend (the one that will proabbly just give money) said that they alreayd know that they care. talk often and hang out and all that. but that's not the point. it's the way to show that you like them still. obviously I know (most of the time) that you enjoy my presence and we are friends but just knowing thay isn't enough soemtimes. sometimes you just wanna hear soemine say I love you or I like spending time with you outloud. and if not outloud, then in the form of a service or gift or whatever. I don't think I ever initiated saying I love you to one of my friends. I've said it back obviously but I give a gift to say "I like you and your presence and what you care about and I listen and hopefully know you well."

this had no point except to get what's in my mind, out. because I am the one thinking about a little one off couple of sentences said late last night (late for him. it was like 11:30) that he probably doesn't even remember but my brain likes to think about everything at all times and what I should've said even though even if I thought of all these points I wouldn't have said it because that's vulnerability so

#tiny talking #this isnt a vent. just explaining my thoughts mainly

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pegasus-ghost · 2 years

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I made two personal vows.

Vow of silence.

Vow of ‘being wary of my spending’

I need to actively change my ways if I want to go to heaven. And I noticed that I would sometimes say bad shit without realizing, as in making negative comments on random things.

I hate that about myself. I don’t realize that I did this, and when I started realizing it, I feel disgusted with myself. Because I know how it was developed. It’s a bad habit I accidentally copied from my dad because he always does this and I hated it when he does it. But due to trauma, I tend to fall into his negative ways. You know, like, if a father is an alcoholic and abusive, chances are the child will be traumatized and eventually grew up alcoholic and abusive too. It’s a psychological thing.

I fucking hate that about myself when I realized it. And I know my family felt irked when I did it. Because when I confessed to Liam that I tend to do this which reminded me that dad would also do it too, Liam was like… “Oh, yeah. You’re right.” Instead of denying it.

So yeah. I told Allah that I need to change that, hence the vow of silence. Every time when I felt the urge and realized that I was going to comment something negative, I would actively and immediately shut up, and literally ACTIVELY refrain myself from talking.

It’s easier said than done.

You know, my brothers and I would usually video call each other and Liam would always be the one to vent out to us in the call about his work problems and how shitty his coworkers were that drove him nuts. Adam would vent about his fiancé sometimes. And I would listen. Back then, I would also chime in and support them and add my own stories, and comment negatively on the topic.

But now? Recently in our video call, Liam vented as usual. And I literally had to just smile at the camera and actively, ACTIVELY shut the fuck up. I had to actively remind myself to shut up and don’t comment whenever I felt the urge to respond to him negatively.

Sigh. It makes me wonder sometimes if listening and supporting Liam who’s shit talking about his coworkers would also mean that I’m sinning? Although I’m not the one initiating it? But if I don’t participate in listening at least, I’m gonna appear like this asshole holier than thou person who is not supportive of his brother.

Also makes me reflect, all the shit talking Liam was doing, those are literally major sins that the angels are jotting down, and those could be the very thing that would drag him to hell. Sigh.

It’s not right to NOT listen and support him but it’s also not right to listen and support him. So all I could do was listen and smile and just made brief general comments. I would now let Adam be in charge of the response over Liam’s venting because I wanted to shut the fuck up due to my vow of silence.

And yes. Also, vow to not spend too much.

Last week, I spent WAY TOO MUCH. I had to pay over 300 bucks to the hospital due to charges that wasn’t covered by my insurance from the surgery. I spend 200 plus bucks buying decent clothing (because I rarely buy clothes so when I found the ones I like, I immediately bought them). I also spent like a few hundred bucks on religious books. Not to mention like hundreds of bucks spent on food, gas, and Knick knacks I bought here and there. And since I am actively trying to do good, I’m starting to be more generous to my brothers and paid for their meals whenever we eat out, which is usually EXPENSIVE AF. Spent like few hundred bucks on that too. Like 300 bucks on Chinese food, 200 bucks on sushi, 200 bucks on Korean food.

My brothers realized that I was being too generous with my money and even commented that they don’t understand how I can treat my money like running water.

Well first of all, I do it because I can afford it. I no longer focus on dunya, so I told myself that all my cash and savings are meant for sadaqah to my family, and to be used, not to be saved like there’s no tomorrow. Because rezqi comes from Allah. So when I have extra money, I didn’t mind spending it on my family be it eating out or buying stuff for them. I see it as sadaqah for Allah.

This month? I need to watch my spending and I should only spend on what I need ONLY. No more Knick knacks. No more clothing. No more expensive food. Just stay at home, and watch TV. It’s not that I began to mind spending and wanted to focus on dunya. Allah also mentioned in the Quran that one should be generous but not TOO generous. I realized that I was spending way too much, not just on sadaqah, but on shit I don’t need.

So this month I need to start refraining myself.

Insyaallah Allah will help me with this. I’ll start with two vows first and actively refrain myself until it eventually turns into a habit. Then I’ll focus on a new vow to improve myself in the name of Allah.

Thank you Allah for guiding me.

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