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celestialtarot11 · 1 month

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Friendship Synastry 🌹🌴

Hi friends! Just thought I’d do this post because someone mentioned there weren’t a whole lot of synastry posts focusing on platonic connections, which I agree ☝️ So let’s change that! Enjoy! Please like, comment and reblog 💅🏻

1st house overlay 💗- So beautiful! I share this with someone who I’ve known for 10 years! We see each other in one another. Growing up we always pretended we were cousins 😭 and everyone believed us. We both hype each other up and the friendship is harmonious.

Venus in the 4th house ✨- A feeling of home like no other. That same friend and I got disconnected for 7 years and somehow we reconnected! This placement truly is beautiful and embodies finding each other again and again in friendship. Both parties feel comfortable making jokes and sharing intimate details with one another. Both feel seen on a deeper level.

9th house synastry ❤️- Cultural differences in friendship! Both learn from different cultures and share their experiences with one another. Both are teaching each other new things and love to engage in topics of philosophy! At some point both could live away from one another and have to travel to see one another. Short distance or long distance!

10th house stellium 🌟- Both inspire each other to be better versions of themselves. Mutual level of respect depending on what planets fall into the 10th house. Both see each other as people who can bounce ideas off one another without shame! If the planets are afflicted or malefic, the friendship can turn into competition to boost ego.

Scorpio stellium ☮️- Transformative connection. Both see each other at their worst and help each other out. If the planets are afflicted or malefic, the friendship can end with betrayal or end suddenly due to private information being let out. For example, something personal only the other person would know. If ifs aspected good, the friendship is a deep bond and feels familiar to both. Intuitive, and spiritually deep connection. Both dream of one another.

6th house sun 💆‍♀️- The planet person may ask a lot of help from the house person! Not necessarily a bad thing, but if this is aspected negatively it can be more of “pain in the ass” kind of feeling 😭 Especially if the friendship isn’t going well. But when aspected positively, the house person can teach a lot to the sun person and it’s a beautiful exchange of knowledge. Set boundaries ya’ll! 6th house synastry requires boundaries too. 6th house synastry can also suggest that friend popping up randomly to visit you!

Mars in the 6th house 🌹- The mars person empowers the house person to be better and take initiative in their life. Brings a lot of energy, joy, stamina, and life to the connection. Without the mars person the house person may feel bored, or disconnected in their life. It’s important the house person knows to balance their energies with action vs rest! The mars awakens the house person!

Moon in the 11th house 💅🏻- If the house person has chiron there I’ve noticed they sympathize a lot with the moon person. Both may face criticism in the friendship and jealousy, because both seem like a power duo. Growing up I experienced a lot of this with my friend we share this synastry, and people have found reasons to shame us! If there is no chiron, the moon person is often comforted by the house person. There is a deep connection and a sense of community present for both 🌹😊

Leo on the Descendant ✨- After reconnecting both people would’ve gone through a major glow up in their personal lives and physically! Both people could be in touch with their hearts and emotional truth. In some other connections I’ve seen people get in touch with their egos rather than their authenticity. The connection can lose spark!

Aquarius ascendant 🫂- Both felt and experienced the black sheep phenomenon growing up. They are able to connect on that and lift each other up. Close knit community! Especially if they knew each other for years. Both are unique individuals but mesh together so well because both embrace their authenticity and power in the connection. Both can view the connection as unique, irreplaceable, and unforgettable.

Leo stellium 🌟- Lots of hyping each other up, feel good feelings and love 💅🏻💗 Both are great at lifting each other up! When one person feels discouraged the other has their back and vice versa. If the connection is afflicted it can easily lead to competition, jealousy and control issues. If the connection is great both are literal teddy bears to one another and are protective 🌹

Their rising falling into your 5th house ❤️- The rising person brings a lot of fun, adventure and play into the connection! The house person sees the rising person as connected to their inner child, bold, vibrant and a leader. Also a protector in a lot of ways, emotionally and physically. They could feel very safe with the rising person. The rising person naturally causes the house person to open up and have fun ✨

Moon in the 5th house 🌹- Nurturing, intuitive and beautiful connection. Peaceful and chill. Telepathy is common between the two and this placement doesn’t necessarily dull the fun, rather through fun and laughter the two feel their bond growing deeper. The moon person offers a creative safe space for the house person to explore and open up.

Venus in the 12th house 🌟- In a healthy friendship, both are connected to the spirit realm and connected to each other spiritually, and acknowledge that. They allow their intuition to grow together and foster a deep sense of belonging. Both feel like they truly accept one another for who they are and the healing of wounds related to love begins. More so platonically, both feel they can open up to receive care ❤️ Mother wounds heal a lot in this connection.

Cancer Venus in the 5th house ☮️- The cancer person shares a lot of emotional wisdom to the house person, and both have fun like no other. Truly this represents the intertwining of two souls on a platonic level. The venus person is so encompassing of emotion, and brings a sense of community and comfort to the house person. The house person makes space and room for the wisdom the venus person holds, and together the two share a unique bond.

Aries rising falling into your 2nd house 💨- The aries person is seen as vivacious, bold, intelligent, and self assured. Sometimes may struggle with self worth and esteem, but with the house person Aries can learn a thing or two about self esteem. Vice versa, I feel that both people learn about self worth and confidence in the connection and both bring out the best in one another. The house person gives a sense of grounding to Aries rising, and Aries rising brings the heat and passion to the house person ❤️

Thats all I have friends! Thank you so much for stopping by and sharing your love with me ❤️☮️ Please like comment and reblog for support! Your feedback is always appreciated.

Paid Readings 💗

#astrology community #devi post #astrology #tarotcommunity #divination #tarot deck #tarot #witchcraft #tarot reading

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cepheustarot · 2 months

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What does fate have in store for you in the near future?

Attention! This reading is for entertainment purposes only. This tarot reading does not give a 100% guarantee that all the described situations will occur or being ultimate truth. You build your own life and destiny and only you know yourself best.

Paid readings

Pick a pile. Choose one or more pictures. Trust your intuition.

Pile 1: Here fate will arrange for you to meet a person. It will be an unexpected meeting for you, since a person will literally appear suddenly out of nowhere but from the first days you will feel a strong connection with them, you will get very close to this person, you will open your soul to them, as they will open theirs to you, in general, emotional and personal conversations will be involved here. By themself the person is calm, perhaps they are not very emotional and in some places can behave as if they do not care but in fact it is not so! Person is very sensitive, prone to empathy, they are a good listener and you can say they generally like to listen more than talk. They may also be well versed in psychology or something similar, may have a lot of experience in terms of relationships between people. And although a person is very sensitive, still relies on logic and common sense, not allowing emotions to take over. In general fate organized this meeting for you to help you succeed in some area (mostly in terms of studies, finances, work) or if you had problems then they will help you solve them. It is also necessary for you to find support in it since now you may be in limbo and feel unstable or you constantly have situations that unsettle you.

Pile 2: As I see it this option could be chosen by those who do not feel very well morally, you feel exhausted or you have been depressed lately, you may feel very tired, burnout, stress and all that sort of thing. You may also miss a lot of privacy, being alone and you may feel a lot of pressure from your family or people around you. Here you might not find the opportunity to relax or generally forget to rest because you were immersed in some kind of activity. So here fate, roughly speaking, will "force you" to take a break, perhaps your plans will be interrupted and you will be forced to spend time with yourself. Perhaps your loved ones will leave for other cities, places or will be too busy to meet you or vice versa you will have to leave for some reason.

Pile 3: Here fate will give you a choice that cannot be abandoned, where there will be no third option and you will have to choose from what you have. In particular this choice is associated with some person dear to you, with whom you have known for a long time, communicate closely and in general you can have a very strong connection. It can be your close friend, your lover, your colleague, your partner with whom you work, etc. In particular here you will have to make a choice to continue communicating with this person or not, since your relationship has reached some kind of dead end and is not developing in any way, you may not feel the same warmth on his part, the same interest and it may seem to you that this person has changed. This choice is a turning point in your life or on your life path but in any case, thanks to this situation, you will be able to gain wisdom, become stronger, more experienced — in any case, all this will only be a plus for you even if it is hard or painful at the beginning, then everything will bear fruit in the end.

Thank you for reading! I will be glad of any feedback 🖤

#tarot #tarot cards #pick a card #pick a card reading #pick a pile #pick a pile reading #pac #pick a picture #pick a photo

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genderkoolaid · 1 month

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advice on how to get over the fear that t is going to make me ugly? or that i’m going to miss “the old me”

i’m a queer trans guy and i’ve been questioning going on t for years now and i know i definitely want bottom growth, body fat redistribution and more body hair.

but im err on the side of face and voice changes. i’m scared of disliking my new voice and suddenly growing dysphoric over it (i dont have too much voice dysphoria now) and disliking how my new face will look. i’m kinda genderfluid as well so it’s complicated. but i don’t want to go my whole life without knowing what it’s like to be on hrt. but i can’t get over the fear of looking/finding myself ugly and undesirable and losing my community... which is ironic cuz i find other trans men attractive as hell. i discussed this in therapy and i still feel this way :/

i wish there was a way for me to start without telling anyone and then breaking the news when i’m experiencing changes and feeling more confident about it. i have my gender dysphoria diagnosis and i can start if i want to, but i need my family’s financial support. i don’t want to make it a big deal since it’s just something i’d be trying out to feel more like myself in certain ways.

sorry this turned into a long ass rant and you don’t have to reply but i’m just gonna kindly leave it in the ask box 💀

There's a post that goes like "all of life is irreversible. i cannot go back a single second" and I think thats something good to keep in mind when you are thinking through this. You are already living with a body that has changed and will continue to change in ways largely out of your control. You are already living in a post-irreversible-alteration body.

If you do go on T and find you don't like how your voice sounds: for one, you can stop at any time (& if you haven't checked out microdosing as an option, you should). But two: plenty of people live with a deeper voice than they want. Plenty of people live with facial hair they dislike. You can pursue the same therapies and procedures they do. Or maybe you don't, and you find ways to live with a voice or face you aren't totally in love with.

So much detransition fearmongering, especially directed at transmascs & assoc. trans people, heavily relies on the specter of the fallen woman, itself steeped in trans-misogyny & intersexism. The idea that, for one, a "woman" who has mixed-sex features is ugly and undesirable, and two, that a "woman" made undesirable is forever doomed to be miserable and worthless. The transphobic story of detransition keeps our bodies stuck in this moment of revulsion and regret, narratively preventing us as characters from being able to move on and live happy lives in atypical bodies. Even if you do regret/dislike some things about T, you are not forever stuck in that feeling. The story does not stop at that! You will just keep living and find new ways of dealing with your bodily feelings!

The social aspect of this is a bit more complicated but I also have some firsthand experience with it. Because, as mentioned before, there's a lot of transphobic misogyny/misogynistic transphobia that affects transmascs & others who go on T, who have to confront the feeling of losing your potential desirability. And then there's also the way many people are treated after going on T, facing a whole new area of bodily scrutiny: you may suddenly have people making comments about how someone needs to force teenage boys to shave because their facial hair is a personal offense. I went from being self-conscious about how high my voice was to being self-conscious about how undeniably trans my voice was. And, specifically, my facial hair, voice changes, etc. were all signs of my transmasculine desire, and I became self-conscious about how obvious it was that I desired being trans, I desired this body. I could no longer let everyone pretend I was a cishet girl at family gatherings and avoid confronting these issues, because I had essentially written I WANT TO BE A TRANNY all over my physical form.

This is something I'm still struggling with myself. I, like many other queer & autistic people, already struggled with feeling desirable or worthy of being seen alongside conventionally attractive cishet people who could act normal. Being visibly trans, and taking a huge step away from the desirable cis-perisex-girl body, can really open up that can of worms. Especially being genderfluid/genderqueer! Because we often cannot find a comfortable space for ourselves within the conventions of attractiveness for cis men, like some binary trans men are able to.

But ultimately, I don't regret going on T at all. I would have had body issues regardless, and I got a lot out of going on T. I think mentally preparing yourself to struggle with these things, and seeking out other transmasc people, is a big help. Again: all of life is irreversible. we cannot go back a single second. We are already living in imperfect bodies we struggle to love or see as worthy. If you know you want some of the things T can offer, and you don't want to go your whole life without knowing, then just do it. Dive in, and don't feel any shame if you decide to get out. Just keep living and finding ways to live better right now.

#m.#ask box

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deludedfantasy · 7 months

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Trimax Vol 14 Ch 6-8

Well, here it is. My last post for book club. I can’t believe we’re actually here! I’m a little emotional. This has been such a fun ride and the highlight of my day for the past few months. It’s weird that it’s basically over.

I still have a few things I’d like to talk about so this isn’t quite the end for me, but for now, onto the post! I hope it makes sense as I wrote this either on a train or while sick.

Ch 6

Once again, I ask, does Vash have some sort of telepathic/mind reading ability? Because Meryl doesn’t say that part about being scared out loud, but he responds to her anyway. Is it just in really emotionally charged moments that he can hear it or does it have something to do with how he’s connected to the Plants and they way all their memories are being projected?

At least Vash knows how terrified Meryl once was of Plants and himself (but I still wish they’d actually talked about it rather than Vash running away, but whatever, they don’t have time for that right now).

I wish Meryl didn’t think that about herself either. She’s allowed to feel things! Including fear. It shouldn’t be about never being that scared again, but about feeling that fear and not being overcome by it.

Ohhh, Vash did succeed in connecting with the Plants and what happened is their protective shells cracked and their memories started raining down on humanity.

Here are Vash’s beliefs again coming out in full force. He doesn’t know what’s going to happen and he’s not going to try and control the outcome. People and Plants should have the autonomy to make their own decisions. All he can do is make sure they see and try to understand each other, and he says it beautifully.

I remember this part really well and I still find it one of the most beautiful and moving parts of the manga. The feathers of memory falling on humanity, them experiencing all the good and bad of what Plants experience and suddenly being overcome by it all.

I love that the Plants call him Red Brother. He’s the familiar guy in a red coat who’s always there to help them.

And humanity is getting a full look at him too! Finally, they get to know him as more than an outlaw and the destroyer of July. They get to see him for who he truly is.

At this moment the Plants say, “What would Vash do?” Will he give up or will he keep going? The conclusion they come to makes me wanna cry. “Let there be love and peace in this world.”

That’s all Vash has ever wanted, all he’s fought for, and now the whole world is finally getting the chance to see it. The depths of his belief and everything he’s done to achieve it.

Something that has bothered me for most of the story is how much Vash is about understanding, but how little he lets other people understand him. It’s how he ends up being the boogeyman and the bad guy all the time. He doesn’t let people in. Although this is done through supernatural means, finally, the world is coming to understand him a little. He’s getting some of that same grace he offers to others. Though again, I wish he’d been able to do it with his words and of his own will at some point.

Even Knives is getting hit by the Plant memories. He’s trying to hold on to his connection with the Plants, but it looks like they’re falling further and further out of reach.

Also, this page looks a bit like Michaelangelo’s Creation of Adam but with very different connotations.

Did Knives lose control of the Ark and cause it to crash? I’m not sure how we got from point A to point B. I feel like I missed something.

This entire sequence makes me so emotional. After seeing all of the Plant’s experiences, the people of the ground immediately rush to help them. They aren’t scared! They understand how much the Plants have been through and are determined to do better.

The Plant scientists, not even knowing what the feather will do to him, uses it to communicate with them. The Plants are crying and in pain, in danger of dying without support, and it would be so easy to be scared and overwhelmed, instead they do everything they can to save them. Not because they need Plants to survive but because they care about them and they can’t survive without each other.

And the scientist reaches out to touch the Plant without fear. It’s a very tender, intimate, and comforting touch. He strokes her hair. That’s not how you treat an alien entity, that’s how to treat a child, someone you care about deeply. I’m feel like I’m chewing on glass!!!

The Plant is still crying, but now she’s smiling too. They’re truly working together and understanding each other for the first time.

God, Vash. Never, not once in his whole life, has he ever promised to survive or come back. Something has changed though. He still wants to live and he wants to do it with his friends because he promises he’ll return to Meryl and Milly.

Then like a badass, he just jumps right off the ship. What a guy.

Ch 7

At the end, Vash turns back to the beginning, where this whole mess started for him: the day of the Big Fall. What were Rem’s final words to him and his brother? What final words of wisdom has been trying to recall/reconstruct over the years as he fought and chased Knives?

Knives can’t admit he was wrong even when he’s very obviously lost. He had to reconstruct his entire body and use up most of his power to do it. He doesn’t have the Plants anymore and he just watched humans fight to help Plants. Everything he’s known to be true has been proven wrong to him but he still won’t back down because he’s scared of the truth. He can’t face it and he’d rather fight Vash to the death. Much like his brother, Knives is too stubborn to give up on his ideals so easily.

It’s more than that though, as Knives himself admits. Also just like Vash, he doesn’t see a future for himself anymore and he wants Vash to be the one to kill him.

Amidst all the carnage on this page, the simple image of the twins as boys really stands out, along with the text on it. They can’t go back to the way things were. They can’t regain their lost innocence. They’ve come too far together to turn back now. The fight for humanity’s future might be over now that Knives has lost control of the Plants but the last fight, the more personal one between the two of them, still has to be fought.

For the second time in this volume, Vash points his gun at someone with the intent to kill. But the moment he does, he finally remembers what Rem told him. “Don’t leave Knives on his own.” It’s why he stayed with him for 80 years after the Big Fall even though a rift had already developed between them. It’s why no matter how many times he faced him over the next 70 years, no matter how much he said he would kill Knives and get his revenge for what he did to Rem, he never did, why he hesitated every time he pointed a gun at his brother’s head.

I truly believe Vash still loves Knives. That love is complicated after everything they’ve been through and the terrible things Knives has done to him and to the world. But it’s there. It’s one of the many things that has stayed his hand every time he’s confronted Knives and why he kept begging him to find a different path when most other people would’ve given up. He loves his brother. In the beginning, Knives was all he had. In some ways, Knives is the only person in the world who can truly understand everything Vash has experienced. It’s no wonder, then, that when Chronica points her guns at Knives, Vash uses his powers to save him.

I’m 90% sure that Vash also used his body to shield Knives and took the brunt of the blast wave. (Edit: Whoops, I read that wrong. Vash doesn't take the blast, he takes Knives's blades in order to shoot a gate bullet at Chronica's attack. But my point still stands.) He’s never been so protective of Knives. The look on Knives’s face when he sees Vash to do this is so unlike him. It’s shocked and surprised and suddenly very vulnerable. I think it’s Knives realizing Vash actually cares about him. There’s also something about being on the receiving end of the mercy Knives has mocked for years that probably breaks something in him because he didn’t think he deserved it or that Vash would ever offer it. Maybe this is the moment he realizes how wrong he was about everything.

There’s something really poetic about Knives then using the last of his own powers to also manifest wings and fly away to save his brother. Knives has claimed from the start that everything he was doing was to save Vash from himself, but really, he was doing anything but that. This time, though, he does save him.

Livio, being so polite and welcoming even when he’s threatening someone. He’s amazing, I love him.

Wolfwood’s ghost has been haunting the story physically and metaphorically for four volumes now. This scene in particular makes me wonder if the ghost of Wolfwood thing wasn’t a literary device but an actual ghost watching over Vash and Livio to make sure they made it through the final battle. Now that it’s over though, now that Livio has survived his first conflict as a new man with his new ideals, Wolfwood’s watch is over. He disappears and goes to his final peace.

His final words give Livio hope for the future, that he has one at all, where he can keep learning and doing better and being the person he wants to be. There’s more to come, indeed. The thing that makes me really sad though is Wolfwood never got to do the same. In the end, he proved himself to be more than a killer, but he didn’t get the chance to keep learning and improving. He didn’t truly get to live a life as a man who was more than a killer. He was forgiven, but didn’t survive to see the fruits of his own labors or the bright future they might lead him to. There will never be more to come for Wolfwood and that breaks my heart.

Ch 8

So here it is. The last chapter. It’s bittersweet to be here at the end after all these months because I don’t want the story to be over. I don’t want to let Vash go. But here we are.

It’s never stopped pissing me off that the Earth Federation put out another bounty for Vash. It’s not made clear for what exactly, but after this read, I have a feeling it has something to do with how he let Knives get away. He’s been branded an accomplice. The Earth Federation is trying to find a scapegoat for why their rescue efforts failed so fantastically and Vash was conveniently on hand. It’s so unfair, especially because he was the one who saved them.

Personally, I believe many, many people saw what he really did in Octovern or experienced who he was through the Plants memories. Most people would probably be more like the doctor and be willing to hide or help him. I don’t know, I just don’t like the thought of Vash constantly being forced to live on the run and never have peace now that the big threat that’s been hanging over him his whole life is gone.

Knives desperately begging humans to save his brother is such an about face for his character. Right at the end, something happened to him. Something broke in him after seeing all the Plants’ memories and Vash ultimately being unable to kill him. I wouldn’t say he believes in humanity, but he understands now. Especially he understands how important humanity is to Vash and how important Vash is to humanity. Vash is the bridge between the two and it’s only through his conviction in their ability to communicate that allowed any of this to happen. He’s part of humanity’s future. He has to be if they want to survive and Knives saw that.

Oh…did Knives use his powers to heal Vash? I mean, from what we know about Vash, the wound could have closed on its own because that’s just how his body works, but there’s something to Knives being the one to do it that makes my heart twist. Just like Vash, Knives couldn’t kill his brother, despite the many times he said the opposite. He couldn’t let him die. He used up most of his power healing him and when he started to run out, he asked humans for help. I’ve already said it, but I can’t help stressing how unlike Knives this is, at least, the one we’ve come to know. It feels like a different Knives, the younger one we briefly met. Who could he have been if he hadn’t seen Tesla in that tank and gotten so twisted up on the inside?

The fact that Knives’s final act is one of creation rather than destruction says a lot. He makes an apple tree that will provide sustenance and be helpful for the family that’s helping Vash. Sure, it’s to help keep his brother alive, but it’s also a small gift to the humans who took him in. It’s an astoundingly kind action for someone who has been hellbent on the destruction of humanity for 150 years.

Vash’s face after being told he should go live a quiet, peaceful life somewhere and that he’s done more than enough is peak Vash fake smile. It says, “I will never do enough to deserve a peaceful life.” I want to shake him like a rag doll, he’s so stupid. Yes!! Yes, you have done more than enough. He himself once said that there’s nothing wrong with a normal life. I frankly believe that’s what he wants deep down. But he doesn’t think he deserves it and he has a mission and an ideal he’s devoted to that supersedes his own wants. Sometimes, I wish Vash could learn to be a little selfish, just a bit. After everything he’s been through, he’s more than entitled to a little peace and quiet.

The silly tone is very reminiscent of early Trigun and it’s so nostalgic. It’s a return to that old world, a sort of reset and coming full circle. This is Vash’s life after all. It’s equal parts tragic and silly and ridiculous and it all comes in cycles.

The push and pull between being Vash the Stampede and just living a normal life fascinates me. Vash dons the red coat again to help the people who saved him. He says it’s just this once, but we know it’s a lie. Every time someone needs help, he’ll put that coat on again. But, and this may be my own biases talking, I’ll say it again: I think Vash does want that peaceful life, deep down. He wouldn’t keep bringing it up if he didn’t. A life where he isn’t the famed outlaw, Vash the Stampede and can just exist. But he also doesn’t know a life without his mission, so he keeps falling back into it.

Yay, insurance girls! Or more accurately, reporter girls!

Vash, you do not deserve the reporter girls. They spent six months looking for him! He promised them he would return, one way or another. But he never kept that promise. The girls could’ve assumed he was dead like everyone else, but they didn’t. To then find him alive and well and up to his old tricks…I think he deserves a little more than a light scolding from Meryl. At any point during those six months, he could’ve tried to send them a message or something to let them know he was alive. Vash, king of avoiding all important human relationships. Ah, well, some things never change.

Vash has suddenly discovered something more terrifying than insurance girls, reporter girls, with cameras and microphones and what I personally believe is a mission to clear his name. They are stubborn and will follow him everywhere. It’s his worst nightmare (I say this affectionately).

Oh my god, Meryl and Milly gave him a little theme song. That’s so cute.

“Stay tuned for wardrobe malfunctions too.” Meryl and Milly are giving the fans what they want: Vash the Stampede fan service.

These last few pages are beautiful. We get to see some old faces we haven’t seen in a while as they find out that Vash is still alive and doing his thing. The panels we’ve been getting throughout this chapter, of an empty horizon, are repeated over and over again as Vash starts to run. And then there’s Vash laughing. Because this is his life and he gets to live it, however he wants for as long as he wants it. To me, it feels like he’s realizing that he has a future. It’s compounded by the focus on him running into the bright, empty desert, a mob at his heels. But it doesn’t feel like he’s running away from them so much as he’s running towards that empty horizon. It might be optimistic of me, but I think that’s what Vash would want.

The last page took me out. We’ve come full circle. This is how Trigun started, with that same song of humanity still singing. At times, that song was cruel and devastating, but also full of love and hope against all odds. Things aren’t perfect. They never will be. This ending is, after all, bittersweet. Vash has lost so much and still hasn’t truly found peace. In some ways, he sees a future for himself, but even then, it’s just a continuation of the life he’s always lived rather than something new. He has a bounty on his head, but he has his friends by his side. He’s helped people and had a deep impact on them along the way. But still, humanity continues, the world keeps turning, and in the end, that’s all we can hope for. To be there to experience life in all its glory, both good and bad. It truly is a never ending song.

Thanks for following along! It’s been a blast sharing my thoughts here weekly and reading everyone’s amazing takes. A big thank you goes out to @revenantghost for organizing this whole thing. Trigun kinda took over my life in the past four months and book club has been a great place to channel all that obsession. Fun fact: the Google doc where I prewrite all my posts is 100 pages long. Honestly, this is the most fun I’ve ever had in a fandom. I don’t really know how to close this all out and I’m full of a lot of emotions about this coming to an end so uhhhh thanks again for reading all my thoughts and see you around Tumblr. Love and peace!

#trigunbookclub #trigun

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icestarphoenix · 2 years

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The Table/Statehouse Backrooms!AU

Uh oh, guess who got a case of brainrot! I thought too much about Greg falling into the Backrooms and now this exists.

A darker and more horror-centric AU for The Table where the personifications are entities in the Backrooms. It follows the perspective of Greg the Sound Guy who fell into the Backrooms one day and now finds himself at the mercy of these entities. He is now trying to survive his situation, learn about this spatial anomaly he's stuck in, and escape his captors. All the while, Greg is hoping and praying that he can one day find his way back home. He does not have a good time.

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Greg is residing in Level 1, where entities will actually start showing up. However, there's also a consistent supply of food, water, and electricity. There’s also other Wanderers and groups residing there.

Level 0 is the iconic yellow hallway setting, but there aren't any entities, other people, or resources there. It is just complete isolation.

Level 1 is where the "American" Personifications, or the Statehouse Colony, are recorded to have made their territory. Other Personifications have been briefly seen in Level 1, but the Statehouse are the main residents.

Entity ☐☐☐ - Personifications (EDIT: often shortened to Avatars by veteran wanderers)

Class 2-5 (Alright until Provoked to Extremely Dangerous)

Habitat: Many, most notably Level 1

The Statehouse Colony along with all the other Personifications are essentially LARPing being representations of different Frontrooms communities, and they seem to genuinely believe their performing. They have knowledge about Frontrooms events, histories, and cultures despite the fact that they have never set foot in or even seen reality.

Personifications can shapeshift between their true forms and their humanoid forms at will. Their humanoid forms will never look truly human, there's always something off about them.

They can teleport and travel between Levels with ease. Calls still function and can reach throughout the entirety of the Backrooms except The Void.

Things like their clothes and all of their props (Texas's Buc-ee's cup, PA's football stress toy, Utah's Book of Mormon, etc.) were created by them. However, these aren't normal objects, they're a part of their bodies.

They're observed to have superhuman strength, resilience, and extreme intelligence, as well as quick regeneration when injured. There are no recorded cases of a Wanderer being able to kill a Personification, which makes them potentially extremely dangerous to encounter.

However, Personifications often suddenly disappear after varied lengths of time, which is inferred to happen when the group they pretend to represent in the Frontrooms disappears. With the same logic, new ones would also appear as new groups form, which seems to be the case.

Instead of The Table and The Statehouse being real shows, the Statehouse Colony is roleplaying. They arrange themselves in a circle and have discussions about Frontrooms events like they've experienced them personally. They've also "filmed" their daily lives like it was a sitcom. It's unknown why they engage in this behavior, but they're way less hostile when doing their shows, so interrupting them is extremely ill-advised.

Even when they’re not explicitly “filming” for the shows, the Statehouse won’t break character. They’ll do things like sit in front of a broken TV and react like there’s a football game on or go into their "rooms" despite their territory being fairly open with no individual rooms.

Greg just has to play along with it all and pretend to be their sound guy because he’s so afraid of what would happen if he were to ruin their roleplay. The Statehouse also gave him a crudely-made fake mic boom to hold and he pretends to edit their videos.

Their antics can get so human-like and endearing to Greg that he almost forgets that the Statehouse are hostile entities sometimes. Then they do something that reminds him that these are all monsters that could easily rip him apart at any moment.

Greg is remarkably safer than other Wanderers that inhabit Level 1 because of the Statehouse Colony that protects him from other hostile entities. They also bring him the food and almond water he needs to sustain himself, so Greg doesn't need to risk himself exploring. At least one Personification will always be around Greg to make sure nothing happens to him.

Even though the Statehouse is protecting Greg from the Backroom's dangers, this doesn't mean that they are safe and harmless entities. They will attack the Wanderers that encroach on their territory, and God forbid any of the people try to "rescue" Greg.

Greg, despite the safety from the Colony, is not having a good time. He doesn’t feel safe. In addition to missing his life before the Backrooms, because the Statehouse have driven away other Wanderers, he’s very starved for human connection. This also contributes to his motivation of escaping the Statehouse.

The Statehouse is very possessive and territorial over Greg and they don’t want to let go of their sound guy. Whether this is due to some emotional connection to him as a friend or pet, or a simply a desire to keep a possession of theirs, their motives are unknown. It’s unknown if Personifications even feel true emotions and empathy or if they just mimic these behaviors from Wanderers.

Greg has heard from some of the Personifications that they have had other humans “work” for them in the past, but he’s never seen another human or even a sign of one in Statehouse territory besides himself. When he mustered up the courage to ask, “Gov” just said that those humans didn’t work with them well and left it at that. When Greg asked further about what happened to them, “Gov” said they didn’t work with them well so they were let go. Greg understood very quickly that “let go” in this case was not the kind of escape he wanted.

#welcome to the table #welcome to the statehouse #ben brainard #wttt #wttsh #greg the sound guy #backrooms!au

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kitsunefox1108 · 2 years

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And so, I'm writing fan fiction about Y/N, but I decided that it would be worth expanding his fame, and I tried to translate it into English. I'm not familiar enough with this language yet, but I hope that there won't be any serious mistakes. Have fun reading! ( it's just that my main language is Russian, so I apologize in advance )

___________________

ANOTHER UNIVERSE (PART 2)

After a while, you ran to the other guys. It was easy to assume that these were Sonic's friends.

But what you noticed is the contemptuous look of the pink hedgehog on you. It was stressful. But it seems that Sonic himself did not pay any attention to this, calmly lowering you to the ground.

- Hey guys! We have a new guest here who seems to definitely need our help.

- Hello. My name is Y/N. I would be glad to cooperate ... - You said, awkwardly waving your hand. In fact, during the war, you became more of an introvert and a sociophobe. In addition to a friend and some fighters, you did not communicate with anyone during the entire period. So the last thing you wanted to seem strange or evil. In fact, I didn't want to at all.

- Hello Y/n. My name is Tails and I am Sonic's best friend and companion! Actually, my name is Miles. The fox smiled kindly at you.

- I'm Knuckles. The last of the genus Echidna. - briefly said the red echidna, closing his eyes.

My name is Amy Rose! - Said the same hedgehog that previously looked at you very contemptuously. However, there was also a hint of irritation in her voice. But you did not pay attention to it, after all, you can still make friends, right? Although, it didn’t matter to you at the moment, because your task was to return home.

- Nice to meet you all.

- Oh yes. Along the way, most likely we will be able to introduce you to some of our acquaintances and friends. - Said Sonic, putting his hand on your shoulder. Now, we need to think of a plan of action. Basically, we need one of the Chaos Emeralds to teleport you to your desired location. Also, you said there was a war going on in your country, didn't you?

- Yes, you are right.

- So here it is. We can go with you and help you in the war. You don’t have enough experienced fighters, I guess?)

“We are in dire need of such people, and your help will certainly be needed. I will be very grateful if you can help me and my friend... - You said with some hope, believing that you can trust Sonic and his friends.

Suddenly, you heard a loud explosion sound.

He was heard quite well, although it was clear that he was quite far from you.

- Crap. Is it Eggman again? - Annoyed said the blue hedgehog, looking in the direction where the sound came from.

“Looks like we'll have to fight our enemy first, right? Tails scratched the back of his head.

- Okay. Let's quickly deal with this doctor and help Y/N. - Everyone ran to the side where the explosion came from. More specifically, Sonic picked you up again without your asking, running at the speed of sound towards the scene while Tails took off with the echidna in his arms, although it was quite heavy. But Amy had to run herself. She doesn't mind, but she didn't like being dragged around like you couldn't run on your own. But, this is her personal dislike.

After a while, you are at the scene.

“Sonic, I could run on my own…” You said awkwardly, realizing that he was carrying you around like a child.

- Well, I run fast enough, and I ran here in a minute) And when I said that I was running at the speed of sound, I saw your surprised and enviable look) So, why not? - Hedgehog smiled slyly, while you looked away in embarrassment. Did he read you like a book?

- Oh, Sonic, you're right at the wrong time! - Said a hoarse male voice. You turned towards the voice, seeing a man with a mustache.

- You attacked at the wrong time! - Said Sonic, releasing you to the ground.

- What, did you find yourself a new girlfriend? How fast though. But, I don't care, I'll smear her as fast as I do you, blue snot! Eggman smiled slyly, pointing his finger at you.

- Not so fast, egghead. Certainly not now. The hedgehog chuckled as he ran towards the man as Eggman yelled "Attack! Fire!" to his robots.

The robots were quite incredible. But the truth is, a little bit different from those with whom you had to fight.

Just in time, Sonic's friends also managed to come running, starting to help him. You also decided not to stand still, but to help your future partners.

By touching Eggman's robots, you could easily control their artificial intelligence. Eggman seemed like a very serious problem to you, until you realized that some of his robots are bound by their minds, and by breaking or subduing one of them, you can immediately break or subdue several of the same ones that are connected to the robot that you touched. Perhaps it was a big mistake, as Sonic says, "Egghead".

- What? - Eggman looked surprised when he saw that you were calmly controlling the robots, ordering them to self-destruct. So, you saved half the work for Sonic and his friends by breaking about 20 robots at the same time.

Tails and Sonic gasped in surprise when they saw this.

- That was pretty cool, Y/N! Tails yelled, smiling.

- Not worth the praise, guys. - You looked away.

- Early rejoice, animals. It was an easy workout. Let's see how you will scream in agony from my other inventions that will painfully tear off your limbs! Eggman smiled smugly.

but flew away while everyone else tensed up.

- Each time he tells us almost the same thing, but every time we defeat him like a bad dream. What a stupidity ... - Sonic said in a tired voice, which clearly showed his disinterest in the words of the man. But the next moment, the blue hedgehog looked at you, smiling.

- Why didn't you talk about your skill earlier?) Or did you want to show a beautiful battle scene, showing your strength to the fullest?

- Well.. I just... Didn't mention it because I didn't think it was necessary? - you said, not understanding why your abilities are being paid so much attention to.

"Since we've defeated Eggman, why don't we start helping Y/N?" asked Knuckles.

- Yes OK. Wait a minute... Where's that Chaos Emerald? - Sonic looked confused, realizing that all this time he was without the emerald that he took from you earlier.- I took him...

- Probably because you dropped it and I took it? - Said a voice unfamiliar to you. Turning around, you saw him. The black hedgehog that was looking at Sonic, grinning, showing the emerald in his hand.

- Shadow..?

#sonic x reader #sonic the hedgehog #shadow the hedgehog #shadow x reader #amy rose #amy the hedgehog #tails the fox #knuckles the echidna #eggman

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thotbugatti · 1 year

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A Love Letter to Twitter

This is going to sound really stupid but I’m prepared for that. Are you? I have been on twitter in many forms since the beginning of 2014. That’s almost 9 years. Over that time, I have made countless connections, discovered unbelievable content creators and comedians; learned a lot about the world and myself. Because of twitter, I’ve been able to become the person I am now.

At the beginning of the pandemic, I, along with probably many other people, really struggled with my sense of gender identity as well as sexuality. I wasn’t going to school, wasn’t going to work; I was stuck in isolation with nothing but drowning thoughts of who and what I might be. At first, I thought I was non binary. That didn’t fit. Could I have been trans? Yes, actually, that’s exactly what it was. Suddenly, my world opened up even more. I was finding trans people on YouTube first, then I discovered an intricate community of other trans women on Twitter. Connecting my experiences with them and realizing more and more that many of the things they experienced were also things I experienced with or struggled with, that really did something for me. Suddenly, I didn’t feel so alone. All thanks to twitter.

On one hand, it might seem so silly to be upset about the loss of something so trivial as twitter, yet I am. Many others probably are as well but don’t want to admit that. I do. When you lose something that has been part of your life for so long, you’re bound to. If it does indeed die, I am going to miss it so much. I’m going to miss the people tho, not the platform itself. For all intents and purposes, twitter is a house of popsicle sticks held together by rubber bands and stick glue. I think had Elon Musk never even stuck his toes into purchasing twitter, we might have it for many years to come. But he did, and here we are. I’m going to miss the people. I love so dearly being able to connect with others from all over the world in a way that doesn’t feel so unbelievably one sided. With something like TikTok or Instagram, something that isn’t almost entirely text based, it feels as though you’re not interacting with a person. It feels more as if you’re interacting with the vision of a person. It’s worse with YouTube and TikTok, where there are, more than likely, billions of hours of videos that you end up just endlessly watching and scrolling past. Even with tumblr, while I am having fun with it, I feel it’s so hard to find exactly what I want to see, to find the people who I want to follow. I’m not sure how it is on the webpage, but the for you tab on this app just doesn’t seem to work. Things that were there last week still permeate at the very top. I want to be able to scroll, I want to be able to read what people are saying, I want to be able to find the most up to date news. I feel that that is a very uniquely twitter experience, and we’ll likely never see anything like it again. That’s very sad to me.

Transness is a very isolating and lonely experience. You might run across a trans person in real life, but it’s not a common thing. Even if you did, how likely are you to actually talk to them? Ultimately, you probably end up walking right past each other, maybe sharing a glance or a small smile, but nothing more. You’ll probably never see them again. This is my experience living in a very rural area. My high school had one trans person (not including myself because I didn’t know at the time). I often think about her, wondering how she managed to do it. If you live in a city like Chicago, New York, LA, San Francisco, wherever, you’ll come across more trans people to be sure. If you’re still in college, same situation. For many of us who aren’t in school anymore or live in the middle of nowhere, we aren’t very common. Twitter. Twitter opens up that world for many of us (or tumblr idk ymmv).

There’s part of me that still believes that twitter won’t die. Elon Musk will sell it off before he crashes and burns because, at the end of the day, he cares more about his money and his ego than he does anything else. There’s another part of me that is standing on the deck of the twitter ship, watching the iceberg grow ever closer. It’s sad, and it’s scary. Maybe it’ll be a good thing, but I can’t help but wonder what could come from the downfall. Maybe I’ll be able to actually get some work done. Maybe there will be less relative negativity in the world. Or maybe more anti trans and anti lgbt legislature will silently pass, with nothing around for people to bring light to the bigotry that blights this country.

So, Twitter if you do hit that iceberg, if you do sink, it’s been an honor. If it doesn’t however, I’m going to look like a big goober for spending over half an hour of my time writing a big long post about it while sitting on the floor at work. 🖤

#twitter

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themelodicenigma · 2 years

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Eventually I've come to an understanding that the ability to comprehend and communicate things is similar to how our approach to something can drastically change the difficulty.

Move it this way, and it takes much more energy, force, and execution may be poor. But adjust here, move like this, and suddenly it's a lot easier and efficient.

Analysis is like this, at times.

I'm going to use FF7R and Cloud and Tifa's train roll as an example. We'll keep it simple. Let's say Person A claims the train roll scene is "romantic af", and Person B claims there isn't any "romance at all"—this is probably a real black-white position regarding this scene in the FF7 fandom.

So, there's a few ways the discussion can go down, to make it happen, to either end in agreement or further disagreement, etc. I would like to choose the easiest and most efficient way:

Just pinpoint the specific, explicit romantic element in the scene. i.e. the component(s) that make it "romantic" as it's concept represents.

Straight forward?

Well yeah.

If the inquiry is whether there is an inherent romantic thing happening in the scene (disregarding any outside context that would add connotation), then you should be able to simply point out that romantic thing. If it does rely on an outside thing, then you'd have to point that out similarly.

With that being said, for the train roll, my point would be that it's the specific romantic trope being used within the scene:

Two people laying on top of each other after falling (rescue or not), for an extended period of time, and then having a close up of their faces as they check on each other before getting up. All this taking it's time.

I mean, that's it. Context of the characters and other attributes added to it (like how they talk to each other, how they're reacting) are even more things known within this specific trope.

This is literally a writing technique that any author or experienced observer of media will recognize as part of creating a romantic mood. We're talkin about humans writing this because they grew up watching it happen in media, and know this is something recognizable they can write—this is similar to how subtext works and how writers know to write something for those who will get it.

The only way you can have a writer create this and for it to NOT be romantic is if, somehow someway, they had little to no understanding of the concept of romance. And, they picked this up from a piece of media they had no idea had romance.

One could try to use other logic, but it'd be unnecessary. For instance, it's unnecessary to assume this romantic trope is reserved for those that are "endgame"—this would be false. This doesn't prove that.

Keep it simple—all you're doing is presenting the direct logic of something being of romantic nature. And it has to be VERY specific to what is in the scene—you can't add additional context or a different action. Take it as it is, because you're trying to prove this very specific thing is romantic or not.

You could argue against the reasoning, of course. However, you'd have to openly admit that the indented reasoning above is either something that explicitly is non-romantic, or, is something completely dependent upon context. For instance, you'd have to settle with yourself that it would make sense that an author would feel compelled to write this scene between two friends, brother and sister, mother and child—played out the EXACT same way. While also having a coherent counter-argument of this being a direct romanticism writing technique.

Either way, the harder part would be having to try to convince someone who doesn't just simply accept a fact. The reasoning itself is straight forward and sound.

Finding the specific source of what is being talked about can be done for anything.

If someone says a specific action is romantic, assess the nature of it and determine if that's actually logically true or not.

Someone can't say "oh these two are holding hands, so it's romantic" and be considered consistently logical because we are very much so aware holding hands in and of itself isn't romantic and has consistently not been reserved for romanticism, both in real life and in media—this action is absolutely contextual dependent. If you were proving it was romantic, then you'd have to point to the actual reason you're calling it romantic and for it to be sound.

Are the two already dating? Are they blushing and thinking about confessing? Is there a focus on their hand holding visually, accompanied with gazing longingly in each other's eyes and the scene lingers on this (again another writing technique, execution really matters here for it to be romantic)?

These would be the kind of things you'd point out, not simply just the existence of the hand holding itself.

Sometimes you have to ask yourself, does this actually make sense in totality of what I'm really saying? Am I creating a rule that already has a very consistent, reasonable exception to it?

Just make it easy.

#ff7 #ff7 rebirth #cloud strife #tifa lockhart #cloti

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countlessrealities · 6 months

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@yinbug sent: Headcanon time! Given more freedom in his life, in what ways might Adrien go about discovering who he is as a person and what he enjoys and wants out of his life without his father's influence? What kind of career path do you foresee Adrien on other than modeling? How would he go about achieving that goal? What other dreams for his future does Adrien have that don't involve romance?

Considering his origins and his upbringing, figuring out his identity as an individual, separated from his father's expectations and will, will be a real challenge for Adrien. His life and purpose have always been dictated by someone else, so far, whether he realised it or not, and suddenly finding himself without the structure that has been holding up his entire existence will surely be unsettling and disorienting for him.

After all, one of the reasons why he has an easier time being Cat Noir over being Adrien, aside from the freedom he is allowed when he's wearing the mask, is that Cat Noir has a clear role, task and purpose, while all Adrien has, when it comes to himself, are uncertainty and doubts.

At first, I can see him turning to his friends and Natalie for support and guidance, possibly even unconsciously expecting them to give him the answers, since he won't know where to start from.

He has already done something similar with the matter of his student's file, where he has admitted that he doesn't know what he wanted to do with his life, nor what his actual interests are. In those circumstances, his solution has been clinging to the person he trusted and cared for the most (Marinette), putting her at the centre of his future projects, in place of Gabriel's wishes.

Thankfully, he is surrounded by people who care for him and are very willing to help him with his journey of self-discovery. I can see Marinette, Nino and the others dragging him around to try different things and activities, to encourage him to experiment with new hobbies, to experience different lifestyles. They have already done that to an extent, and it has enriched Adrien's life, helping him coming out of his shell, even if not enough to start building his own destiny.

In this regard, the two people who would be able to help him the most are Kagami and, once they'll be reconciled, Félix. Kagami has experienced Adrien's same sort of upbringing, so she knows what it means to be defined by someone else's will and vision. She is undergoing a similar struggle to find her own path out of Tomoe's shadow.

As for Félix, he has gone through the same journey of self-definition Adrien is about to start in the year after his father's death, so no one can understand Adrien better and is more suited to help him out than his cousin...with all the limitations that he has as a person.

For my interpretation of the character, I can see Adrien eventually deciding to travel around the world. Perhaps taking one or two years off before college, so that he can truly see the world. He has been abroad a lot, with his father and thanks to his modeling career, but he had never truly been allowed to take in what was around him in those occasions. Most of the times, he was either confined to his hotel room or kept under strict surveillance.

Now, he has the chance to make up for it, to learn and discover new things through those trips, both about the different shades of the world he lives in and about himself. Also, the fact that he is very proficient when it comes to languages will come in very handy.

The other thing Adrien wants and tries to do is helping people. As Cat Noir, but also without the mask.

I can see him finding a job in a world charity organisation, as someone who works on the field, in direct contact with the people in need, but also as a help in the management department, since he is familiar with the field, from the years he has spent watching his father doing business.

He would spend periods in various countries through the years, communing his desire to travel with his need to be useful.

This kind of lifestyle won't be easy to balance with his duties as superhero and, even more, with a stable relationship, but if he and Marinette end up being each other's endgame, they'll make it work, and same goes for Ladybug and Cat Noir. After all, if she ends up succeeding in the world of fashion, Marinette probably will have to travel around quite a bit too.

So, to sum it up, I can see Adrien pursuing the two things that he has been denied for so long: personal freedom and the chance to build his own destiny.

#[ headcanons :: Adrien / Cat Noir ]#[ ooc :: mun's meta ]#yinbug #[[ thanks a lot for the questions !! ]]#[[ they were really interesting to ponder x3 ]]#[[ also sorry for the delay x.x ]]#[[ I'm finally getting my asks / drafts under control after 2 months ]]#[ ooc :: mun's headcanons ]#;; queue

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os-mod-eus · 1 year

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0001. — 01 / 2023

I’ve been having fantasies of suicide lately—a new low in this chasm of despair that I’m not totally unfamiliar with, but not numb to. A low that brings foreboding, and a sense of permanency. I worry that this is the start of the inescapable. The start of descent without feeling gravity. Depression always seems to work that way. One day you gain a glimmer of awareness; presence within it, and you look around, and somehow it’s all shocking despite the fact that you’ve been resting as some heap in this dark and lonely area for quite some time. You can know that, and you can feel the heaviness of that, but once it registers, it’s like you’ve never seen this place before. Bewildered and paralyzed with the fear that presses down unto your chest in that one moment before your brain decides to flip the switch again, and back into numbness you go, as a way to cope with the darkness you find yourself in. It’s some self-serving cycle that plays out in a miserable loop. You cannot escape because you cannot cope, you cannot cope because you cannot escape.

I’ve been thinking of why people hurt others when they reach such an inescapable low.. It terrifies me to admit that I’ve been able to empathize with the ill that go around getting revenge. I hope to never lose myself to my bitterness, but I have never known bitterness like this. A special kind of livid, borne only from the ashes of someone who now knows they’ve been burned into rubble. See, before, my self worth was so beaten down I believed I’d deserved to be burned alive, and not only that, but that I deserved every subsequent encounter with fire that singed my skin. Now I know that I am worth more than being set on fire, and within that, I find a violent rage towards everyone who even tries to bring flame near me.

I know I’ve been wronged, and I am angry, and that is both freedom and imprisonment.

Now, every time I think of the way [ REDACTED ] spoke to me, without any empathy, with the entitlement of someone who’s been coddled and privileged but experienced trauma so they can’t see that, much less admit to it when it serves them so well not to. Every time I think of her, I feel that rekindling of rage all over again in my chest. Then it nestles there, where my bitterness nurtures it. That bitterness remembers the condescension in her voice as she explained to me how I should be functioning at my lowest, that I don’t deserve her communication because I “should already know”—as if I can read minds—and then to take the buzzwords of trauma, flashbacks, triggered, low-functioning depression, and apply them to herself as a way to absolve herself of the obligation of giving me basic respect, empathy, kindness... when her objective behavior does not align with those buzzwords, but mine does: a special kind of punch to the gut.

Some people claim to be disabled while still being able to independently care for themselves. That’s what I learned at 2118 Haystreet. Some people clutch on to the terms of necessity to those who are drowning in their pain to invalidate those same people about that pain. To shame those same people for not functioning to the ability of others. For being dis-abled. That’s what I learned at 2118 Hay street.

I learned that as the one with the target on my chest, during a slip backwards, even though I still had enough traction in my footing to get up soon, and I knew it would be soon because I’d worked so hard to get to soon.

I asked for respect of my boundaries, and they were crossed, and I was told they were too inconvenient, as if that absolves someone of respecting them. Soon was not enough for someone who claimed to be my close friend, and then suddenly, I was being shamed for being sick. And then suddenly, I was not slipping back down, but tumbling back down.

Now I’m at the inescapable again, when I just barely escaped last time. At the inescapable, about to lose my shelter and sense of safety. At the inescapable, facing the consequences of being sick in a society where the ill have no place. At the inescapable, required to play nice with the person who hurt me this way, so that the last tiny sliver of safety I have won’t be taken from me, when all I feel is angry. I feel like I am metaphorically writhing within the injustice—furious to the point of insanity. Because there are so many layers to this, and in every one, I am the one who’s faced the consequences, when I am the victim. I am allowed to say that. I am allowed to understand that I was a victim. I am allowed. I am allowed. I am allowed. I am allowed to know that I was a victim and to be angry. God dammit, I am allowed! I am not only allowed—I am DESERVING! I deserve to know that I did not deserve how I was treated, when so much of my inherent rights have been robbed of me. I deserve to be able to be angry when someone attempts to rob me of more of my inherent rights. The rights to basic respect and empathy.

Now I dream of suicide because I cannot imagine a life in which I am not surrounded by those who feel above such basic humanity, and will hurt me, even when I’m screaming out for love and understanding, if it means they will be allowed to be selfish. I cannot imagine a life in which I have a group of friends that I don’t incessantly feel afraid and the need to watch my back—because so many before them have proven to me why I must. I am afraid that what I dreamed of as salvation as a child does not exist: a healthy home, a stable and loving group of friends. I’ve found only friendship flourishes when I put all of myself into the other, and take care of their needs, while having my own ignored. The second I try to advocate for my needs, I am met with defensiveness and then the tide gets turned on me. They convince me that my anger is bad, simply for being anger. And then I am back in my childhood, sitting on the bottom three steps leading down into the living room, as my foster mother berated and lectured me for hours for daring to hold her accountable—no matter how feebly.

I do not like this world. Sometimes I feel this deep morose and disappointment as I realize the only way to exist in this world is to be emotionally selfish, even mildly, and that does not come naturally to me. Why can’t I live without having my own empathy taken advantage of and never returned? And, even worse, buckled down on why I don’t deserve the empathy.

Buzz words like lazy and mooching. You offered to help me in my time of need. You offered to help me for as long as I needed until I was back on my feet. I gave you every opportunity to tell me no. I told you, explicitly, what illnesses and afflictions I struggle with, and you retained the offer. Why? Why, if the moment I showed symptoms of exactly the thing I warned you of, you would throw me to the wolves? I don’t pay attention to words; I pay attention to actions, and it doesn’t matter how many times you smile in my face, I will continue to be angry about your actions as they serve as injustice towards me, and I will not let you condescend me about why that anger makes me irrational while you are rational, because you can speak hushed and sweet while shoving a knife in my back. I am not irrational to recognize that knife, or to recognize that I don’t deserve to be stabbed, or to be angry that you’ve betrayed me. And how disgusting of you to weaponize my condition’s symptoms, as a way to convince me otherwise.

“I underestimated how sick you were,” when I bark back after you back me into a corner. Barking back is not sickness. It is the opposite of sickness. What I do when I bark back is all that matters—but I am allowed to tell you exactly what you did to me and how it affected me, and I am allowed to expect you to own up to that instead of trying to tell me that I’m just so sick, how could you have known, how could you be expected to help me.

Giving someone basic respect and empathy is not helping them. It’s the bare minimum. And I feel sick to my stomach even as I write this, because I know that to any outsider who could not know all the nuance of the entire situation, they would gladly take your side and reinforce the idea that I am just sick, so everything I say is null. Everything I say must be irrational, because the mentally ill are always irrational.

I know this because I’ve lived this, countless times, over and over and over, and this is what makes me so angry and hopeless that I will ever find other humans who just care and won’t hurt me in my times of need. This is why I’ve been dreaming of suicide, because even my ideal life, even with this compromise, is so unreachable. I will never be able to live off the grid in the woods, because it costs money to get there first, to build shelter first, to set up the means of survival first. And I am in this god awful position of genuinely being disabled with complex PTSD and nobody believing that any of the mentally disabled should be given the same rights as the physically disabled. My options are to become able again, or suffer, stifled down by a government that makes it impossible to live a life of substance if you’re unable to contribute to its capitalistic nature.

This is why [ REDACTED ] makes me so angry, because she can choose to work less solely to qualify for more government benefits, while working just enough to live a comfortable life, while she demonstrated the ability to work more. She intentionally lowered her hours so her income would lower enough to qualify for SNAP again. There is such extreme privilege in be able to do something like that, and claiming you are disabled in the same breath, while shaming your roommate for not being capable of getting out of bed to shower more than once a week let alone work even half the hours you can without immense struggle.

When I spoke of how severe and horrific my flashbacks are, what living hell they are and why they make me struggle to keep up with my basic necessities (defending myself), your response was “I know. I go into them all the time.” while in the same breath telling me I’m “not doing my part”. So you know what they’re like, but you also think that I should function more because “me and [ REDACTED ] clean something up when we see it’s dirty”. So you know what they’re like, but because I can’t function like you and your partner who doesn’t have them, I get no empathy for literally being disabled by them?

Some people become the face of a minority group when they barely struggle as such, and then shame those in that minority group for their minority-borne struggles. That’s what I learned at 2118 Hay street.

When I’m being invalidated, I need to remind myself of all the facts, and break down the situation to be able to feel my strength as the victim of the situation, and know that I don’t deserve the way I’m being treated. That’s what I learned at 2118 Hay street.

#entry.#pennsylvania.#journal

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bgallen · 2 years

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Octobers, J.M. Barrie, Burn the Ballroom, and a few others

I adamantly agree with L.M. Montgomery, “I am so glad I live in a world where there are Octobers.” It always seems as though October is a nice lulling month, beginning quite warm and just easing into cooler weather. Octobers in MS tend to be pretty dry, currently though we only have 12 counties with a burn ban. And since October is when MS has the State Fair, I’m including some pictures from last year.

This week I do have more of a “post” than a list, if you have no desire to read the post section, you can skip down to the list aspect. As always, may you enjoy your weekend and may it bring you peace, rest, and joy!

I started Brené Brown’s book Atlas of the Heart: Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience this week, well actually I am restarting it from a few months ago. I am of the type of reader where I find it almost impossible not to underline and take pictures of passages and write asterisks and exclamation points around things I want to remember. And I think that when I am done with this book, it will be mostly marked up, I am greatly enjoying it so far. There was a particular passage that I read the other day that I found profound. Brené is writing about her past research into shame resilience, when she and her team asked participants to list all the emotions that they could recognize and name as they were experiencing them. Over the span of multiple years and over 7,000 people the average number of emotions that came through were: happy, sad, and angry. Of the myriad of emotions that we experience, these were the ones people could identify. Brené goes on to say, “What about shame, disappointment, wonder, awe, disgust, embarrassment, despair, contentment, boredom, anxiety, stress, love, overwhelm, surprise, and all of the other emotions and experiences that define what it means to be human?”

And then, she wrote this passage that was an “aha” moment for me. “Imagine if you had a shooting pain in your left shoulder that was so severe it actually took your breath away. The pain kept you from working, sleeping, and fully engaging in your life. When you finally arrive at the doctor’s office and she asks what’s going on, there’s suddenly tape over your mouth and your hands are tied behind your back. You try yelling through the tape and freeing your hands so you can point to your shoulder, but there’s no use. You’re just there - inches and minutes from help and possible relief – but you can’t communicate or explain the pain. I would imagine in that situation most of us would either fall to the floor in despair or fling ourselves around the room in an uncontrollable rage. This is not that different from what can happen to us when we are unable to articulate our emotions. We feel hopeless or we feel a destructive level of anger.”

Which leads me to think of how my sister and I use the J.M. Barrie quote about Tinkerbell to describe children, “Fairies have to be one thing or the other, because being so small they unfortunately have room for one feeling only at a time.” Children, especially toddlers, who are learning language are not able to convey their growing needs to those around them in language which results in a lot of tantrums and outbursts. Which is understandable, being misunderstood at any age can be defeating and infuriating.

All of that to say…what I have been pondering since I read the passage is this: if most adults still can only recognize three emotions as they are happening could that not be the antecedent for a great deal of negative situations? When a four-year-old temper tantrum that is never given a full understanding of their emotions one day turns into an adult berating a store clerk - or worse? Are they not caused by the same lack of understanding of ourselves and how to communicate that to others around us in a healthy way? Please do not misunderstand me, in no way am I excusing bad behavior, at all. I just wonder if perhaps it is more nuanced than we admit to. I am still working through what this looks like in my own life and in how I deal with others, although I do think that it allows for more grace, more benevolence in our interactions with people. And perhaps it is also a challenge to learn how to correctly name an emotion when an experience arises. Too often in my head I say, I’m so angry, when in actuality I am inconvenienced that a situation is not working out how I anticipated it to - or felt that it should. If you have any ideas about this, please let me know - I would appreciate hearing them.

Now for the list!

Burn The Ballroom - Calm Down - YouTube, Spotify recommended this song and I have had it on repeat all day. From their website: BTB blurs the lines between anthem, rock, punk, alt, and pop music.

"The Java Jive" (Ink Spots, 1940) - YouTube, Apparently September 29th was National Coffee Day and October 1st was World Coffee Day. Whatever that actually means, I enjoy, celebrating coffee any time I can. Here’s a fun song from the fabulous Ink Spots.

How Do Hummingbirds Survive Snow and Cold Weather? - Birds and Blooms, did you know that the most significant trigger for birds to migrate south is the length of daylight? Fascinating!

"O Grande Amor" Stan Getz, Gary Burton, Steve Swallow, Roy Haynes.1966 featuring Steve Swallow - YouTube, perhaps because it showed up on an Autumn playlist, but this does seem like a great Autumn song.

Island of the Sea Wolves | Official Trailer | Netflix - YouTube, “Where the vast Pacific meets the wilderness of Canada lies a mysterious island, shrouded in mist and cloud, protected by some of the most violent seas in the world.”

Stalogy Translucent Sticky Notes - Grid - 50 mm | JetPens,these are translucent sticky notes so that you can “write” on books without writing on them. Such a great idea, the lined paper is completely out but if you like the grid - it is still available.

#weekendpost #music #photography #thoughts #fridaypost #thinking #statefair #weekend #autumn #happy #joy #peace #themoreyouknow

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toughgirlchallenges · 2 years

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Sophie Etheridge - Disabled long distance open water swimmer and the founder of the Facebook group Adaptive/Disabled Open Water Swimmers (ADOWS).

Sophie has spent the past 2 years trying to raise awareness of open water swimmers with disabilities in the hope that more people will become inclusive and accepting to people of all abilities.

She has also spent the past year building a community of athletes with disabilities through her ADOWS Facebook group which now has over 600 people in it.

Members include those with all sorts of disabilities from people with invisible conditions such as Fibromyalgia and brain injuries to those with visual impairments and amputees. There are also coaches, event organisers and carers in the group so that they can learn the best way to support and include those with disabilities within their work.

Since starting the group Sophie has worked with The Henley Swim Company and The British Long Distance Swimming Association to help them improve accessibility at their events.

Sophie grew up in Hastings and was an active, fully able-bodied swimmer but in 2011 she was involved in a cycling accident, which resulted in a long diagnostic process before finally being diagnosed with Complex Regional Pain Syndrome; one of the most painful conditions in the world in late 2012.

Suddenly finding herself struggling to walk and in constant pain was tough. She struggled with being constantly exhausted and to put the cherry on the top; due to hypersensitivity she was unable to wear trousers or leave the house if it was windy because it was too painful for her.

Triathlete to wheelchair user in under a year.

It took several years of struggling with different medications, physiotherapy appointments, hospital stays and falling into a deep depression before she was sent onto a pain management programme. The course was intensive for 3 weeks but in total lasted a year and it was as a result of this course that Sophie rediscovered her love of the water.

It wasn’t an easy journey back into the water because anything on her legs hurt – including water!

It was about 6 months before she could get in the local leisure centre pool and start swimming again but as soon as she did she knew it was where she was meant to be.

Since then (2016) she has gone on to not only get back into open water swimming but has taken on some huge swims including The Great East Swim 1 mile (2016) and 5km (2019), The Thames Marathon Swim (2018), 10km in lake Tallyn in Wales (2019), the Swim England Open Water National Championships (2019) and finally, in September 2021 Two Way Windermere, which she completed in 16 hours and 41 minutes!

New episodes of the Tough Girl Podcast go live every Tuesday at 7am UK time - Make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss out.

To support the mission to increase the amount of female role models in the media. Sign up as a Patron - www.patreon.com/toughgirlpodcast. Thank you.

Show Notes

Who is Sophie

Growing up in Hastings

How she got into swimming

Doing her first 5k at the age of 11

Being disqualified from her first swimming gala

Playing music in an orchestra

Wanting to be a sports physiotherapist

Choosing between music and sports or physical education

Being diagnosed with epilepsy as a child

Playing clarinet and piano as her way to relax

Studying music at Anglia Ruskin University Cambridge

Going to university and swimming at the same time

Joining a local triathlon club

Before and after the accident

Being diagnosed with Complex regional pain syndrome (CRPS)

Being on her own while in the middle of her degree

From being active to absolutely nothing

Feeling all her plans are out of reach

Being away from her family

Experiencing bullying at university

Feeling lost for about five years

Being put on a pain management program at Addenbrooke's Hospital in Cambridge

Getting back into the water and tolerating the pain

Falling in love with swimming again

Wanting to be a swimming coach again

Getting her level two open water coaching qualification

Getting help from Straight Line Swimming run by Keri-anne Payne

Feeling herself again after 8 years

Campaigning for disabled swimmers

Creating the community Adaptive/Disabled Open Water Swimmers (ADOWS)

Magical moments for her when it comes to swimming

Making so many new friends through swimming

Doing the Aberdovey Swim in 2019

Her plans to do the Two-Way Windermere (2WW) in 2020

Using Windermere swim to raise awareness and fundraise for a disability sports charity The Arctic One

Having surgery before her two-way swim

Pushing through the challenge

Her whole experience while doing the Windermere swim

Her top tips and advice

Social Media

Website: www.sophie-adaptive-athlete.com

Instagram @sophie_adaptive_athlete

Facebook @SEasaptiveathlete

ADOWS (Adaptive/Disabled Open Water Swimmers) Facebook group

Check out this episode!

#podcast #women #sports #health #motivation #challenges #change #adventure #active #wellness #explore #grow #support #encourage #running #swimming #triathlon #exercise #weights

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mylordshesacactus · 3 years

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This got long so it’s become its own post.

I explained this to my seven-year-old cousin once when she expressed distaste over anyone possibly enjoying horror movies, and she understood perfectly, so adults have no excuse:

People read dark fiction for the same reason they ride roller coasters.

It’s a simulation of danger without anyone actually being under threat. It gets the brain worked up, releases a bunch of adrenaline into your system, you experience a whole rush of emotions and excitement and fear; but a safe kind of fear, where you know the danger isn’t real and there are dozens of measures in place to protect you. And then it’s over and you can get off the ride.

That doesn’t mean everyone is obligated to ride roller coasters. I, for example, am scared of heights, and most coasters are scary for me in a way that isn’t fun. The fear isn’t that I’ll die, the fear is of experiencing more of the ride and thus it’s not a safe fear, because it’s real and I have no control over it. As such, I don’t ride large roller coasters. But the fact that large coasters are not mentally or emotionally safe for me to ride doesn’t mean they should be illegal, or that there’s “something wrong” with anyone who enjoys them.

Similarly, sometimes accidents happen. Sometimes people have conditions they don’t know about until a coaster aggravates them in the worst possible way because they didn’t know to avoid it...and that’s no one’s fault. People have died or been injured in coaster accidents, and those accidents are pretty much always the result of human error, carelessness, laziness, or poor communication. It’s the responsibility of the amusement park to make sure that basic safety features are built-in and maintained--or at the very least (mangling the metaphor somewhat because this would obviously be illegal in real life) to make it clear that those features don’t exist! I feel like most people would avoid a ride clearly labelled “HAS NEVER HAD A SAFETY INSPECTION! NO RESTRAINT BARS! RIDE STAFF HAVE NOT BEEN TRAINED AND THERE ARE NO EMERGENCY SERVICES ON-SITE! OPEN FLAMES!” but if you click on a fic clearly labelled “author chose not to use warnings” you know the risks and they’ve met their obligation to warn you of them. And sometimes the people providing this content don’t perform that basic due diligence, and people get hurt as a result--but that’s on those specific bad actors, and doesn’t mean we ban all roller coasters. It also doesn’t mean every single ride operator on earth should be tarred with that brush, especially when they’ve openly spoken out against such practices! Furthermore, if you KNOW you have a heart condition and willingly get on a ride that says it is not safe for people with heart conditions, you cannot then blame the amusement park!

What makes roller coasters safe for me? Well, for one, the fact that I’m an adult now so my family has finally stopped trying to force me onto them. Pressure was a constant part of interacting with coasters for me for YEARS, and THAT fucked me up. There was “mild” teasing, frustration when I refused, anger if I changed my mind, and a lot of guilt-tripping about how it was my fault that they couldn’t go on the rides they wanted to because of me. That shit was not okay, and anyone trying to force someone to engage with content they don’t want to is obviously in the wrong.

The OTHER thing that helps me is content warnings the heroes who upload on-ride video of coasters I’m interested in trying. Knowing exactly what to expect--being able to see for myself all the drops so I can judge if they’ll be too much for me, and know in advance where they are so I can brace myself--can turn a ride that otherwise would have been a miserable and stressful experience that I chose not to subject myself to into a really good time. These are especially valuable, because what’s safe for ME is not automatically safe for everyone else. The only thing that makes a ride too much for me--my only hard limit--is extremely tall drops. I love inversions, fast twists and turns, I don’t mind rough coasters, it’s just drop height. But I’ve known people with medical conditions that made rough jolts dangerous, and plenty of people like tall drops but find tight turns and high speed overwhelming. Do I wish more coasters were designed to have the elements I enjoy without the ones I don’t? Yes, and not being able to find many frustrates me. But that doesn’t mean I expect everyone to have the same limits, or that I think people who design tall coasters with big drops and lots of airtime are malicious.

By this logic, actually, darkfic is much safer than roller coasters--once you’ve committed to a coaster you have to ride it out even if you change your mind. But the moment a dark fic or horror movie takes a turn you don’t like or becomes suddenly too real, you can turn it off and walk away.

And if you think enjoying roller coasters means someone will conclude that it’s okay to fling people off cliffs without their consent, then, well, in that case you’re just ungodly fucking stupid. Sorry you had to find out this way.

Have fun on those hypercoasters, you crazy bastards. Keep uploading ride videos for me.

#the notes of this post will function as a blocklist #jo making EXTRAORDINARILY poor decisions this morning #hoo boy I will regret this post

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bratz-kitten · 3 years

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the sun through the houses

sun in the 1st house: you irradiate confidence and self-assurance, as if you know exactly who the fuck you are and what you're here to do and people are very drawn to that kind of energy in you, to the way you're so full of life, spontaneous, ready to face anything that life throws at you and your ambitious nature. you thrive when you're uplifting others to feel as good as you do because you don't want to shine alone, and because on the inside, you might be much more insecure than people are aware of - you understand what it's like to be at rock bottom, but you're good at hiding this part of yourself. can be very controlling and competitive, and if you were raised in an environment where your parents used to fight a lot, you might chase conflict wherever you go. be careful with being arrogant and proud, and be aware that your strong energy might overwhelm a lot of people. whatever you do, you follow your heart. you need appreciation and recognition from others. you keep your cool in the most stressful situations.

sun in the 2nd house: you crave to achieve financial success; here, the planet of the ego is tied to the house that rules material possessions and our self-worth, so you want to achieve power by getting rich because that's how you feel safe. you're very talented when it comes to business and making good investments that'll allow you to get to the next step. when it comes to your ambitions, if you want something, you'll work hard for it and only stop when you get it. you're very witty, with your dry humor and sarcastic personalities, you truly have the best comebacks lmao and above all, you always keep your word. you take pleasure in everything lavish that life has to offer; you have great taste and know when something is of value almost instinctively. you need to make sure you're appreciating the people in your life instead of only what you own and your ambitions because you're at your best when you're expressing your kind and generous side. you might be into retail therapy when you feel sad or empty, but afterward, you might feel terrible because the fulfillment shopping gives you is only temporary. careful with being controlling or possessive.

sun in the 3rd house: you use your mind like a weapon. you truly have a way with words and you're able to express yourself in a way that leaves everyone wanting to know more about you; but most of all, you crave to keep on learning more and more and to expand your knowledge, because that's what feeds your soul. spontaneous personality; bold but unpredictable and you feel a sense of pride whenever you think about your friends, they're very important to you. you have the capability to bring stories to life, this placement is amazing for aspiring writers, and you like analyzing your surroundings which, in turn, makes you a very adaptable person. constant change in your way of thinking because you're always viewing things from different perspectives. you can become easily bored when you aren't feeling mentally stimulated, which is why you're always seeking new experiences, communicating with others and why you live so much in the present. persuasive. people who don't seek to expand their minds terrify you. you refuse to live in the shadows of your siblings, you have a need to stand as your own person.

sun in the 4th house: when the planet of the ego is in the house of our family life, our inner experiences and our childhood trauma, you are blessed with a rich inner experience that leads you to want to delve deep into what you went through and how those experiences shaped you into the person you are today – and that means the trauma you went through, too. if you had bad experiences in your child, your journey is longer and harder because you find it harder to understand life, and you might've compared your home life to the "outside world" a lot, feeling like they were two different entities (think sinclair from demian). you're very caring and nurturing and very attached to your family, either the one you were brought under or the one you want to establish. having a home that feels cozy and safe is what brings you security, and you want to bring happiness to the ones you love the most. be careful with being too pessimistic and feeling paranoid that something bad will suddenly happen, and also with being too controlling and domineering. you need a lot of reassurance, but be careful with coming off as if you don't trust your loved ones. very strategic, you play the long game.

sun in the 5th house: you literally irradiate artistic talent and creativity! you thrive when you express yourself and your originality and get recognized for it, and appreciation for your efforts is very important to you. intelligent, you can be very cunning and strategic, at the same time that your optimism and spontaneous nature naturally commands attention from others. very dramatic, you shine in the eyes of others. but although you have a happy aura to you, you can be very hard on yourself, thinking you're not good enough whenever you're not being appreciated. at your worst, you can have an exaggerated sense of pride, dominating energy, manipulative tendencies or feeling less than others. you may fluctuate between focusing a lot on yourself and being overly generous with everyone in your life. bold, you do a lot just to feel alive. you're very loyal and love deeply, passionate and nurturing, but be careful with involving yourself with people who take advantage of that. you should realize that appreciation should come from yourself and not others. if you add discipline to your originality, you can become very successful.

sun in the 6th house: one of your driving forces is your attachment to your work and your need to be of service for others and to be recognized for your efforts. health, dieting, exercise and keeping a structured routine are very important to you. you have a constant need to be perfect and that can be your own worst enemy, because when you or others aren't meeting your high standards, you might feel like you're weak and have your insecurities taking over you. you can't stand being told what to do. very self-aware. a tendency to be a workaholic because it's what makes you feel proud of yourself; you need to feel like you're making the world a better place. stress can easily physically affect you, you should understand that validation needs to come from yourself and not from others, and accept that having imperfections is human, it doesn't make you weak! careful with having a routine too restrictive that doesn't allow you to have fun, work can become an obsession for you. you truly always want more and need to keep busy and productive to feel safe. don't let your insecurities stop you from pursuing your ambitions.

sun in the 7th house: you have a very strong sense of justice because of your capability of analyzing a problem from all different perspectives. you need to bring peace everywhere you go and to help others in any way you can. you have a special charm that others feel drawn to, and many admire you for your caring nature and talent at giving advice, making you often the center of attention in the middle of groups. sociable and good with words, you're very persuasive; although you might tend to identify yourself too much with what others think of you – you should understand that others' opinions aren't that important and it's how you view yourself that matters. you crave affection and are very sensitive when it comes to your relationships, you would do anything for your loved ones and you're very in tune with their needs. you can have people-pleasing tendencies because you're terrified of rejection. you're determined to succeed and to build an amazing self-image because you have a gift when it comes to social intelligence. can have some open enemies.

sun in the 8th house: can attract a chaotic life that pushes you into achieving transformations because that's how you grow and evolve, through the process of death and rebirth. you can't deal with superficiality and you crave deep connections with people, intimacy and to evolve with the person you love. creative. you may feel like the universe sends you messages so that you'll reach an awareness of some kind. you love experiencing new things and especially with yourself, you constantly look forward to changing your appearance and your spiritual or emotional views on the world. you feel a need for self-improvement. very secretive, you value privacy more than anything and you don't allow almost anyone to figure you out. you might be terrified of not finding people who want to connect with you as deeply as you want with them. tendency to isolate yourself emotionally, as in you might open up to others about superficial matters but when it comes to emotions, you're terrified of showing that part of yourself. you want to help others through their darkest times.

sun in the 9th house: you love learning and dream of exploring the world, it's like you can absorb any information that you get your hands on. very idealistic and dreamy, it's hard for you to keep grounded on reality and material things when you're so concerned with the metaphysical, to understanding the secrets of the universe and all that is spiritual, philosophical, religious and transcendental. so enthusiastic and curious, it's like you can't stay still for a minute and long to go on adventures. you can see the best in people, but be careful with only seeing their good parts – you need to understand that nothing is black or white and people are morally grey and complex, not all bad nor all good. might be very pessimistic if you've gone through something traumatic that completely shattered your perceptions of the good in the world; you might feel like things are never going to get better (i promise they are). very proud of your knowledge. high ideals and honesty. loyal to your beliefs always. careful with being too authoritative.

sun in the 10th house: when the planet of the ego falls in the house of social status, you seek power above all. you want fame, notoriety and to lead, and when not achieving what you want, you might become insecure. you can't help that ambition runs in your blood, but you should make sure you're doing things because you love doing them and not just to get recognized. it's like you need to achieve so that you can feel proud of yourself because you never felt that kind of support when you were younger, and achieving success feels like a life or death matter to you. you ooze charisma and you naturally draw attention to yourself, wanting to be recognized for your talents. very aware of how others perceive you. but even if you're a great leader, you hate following orders which can make you have problems with those in charge – be careful with making enemies and with stepping on others to get what you want, it’s very important that you keep a strong sense of morals or else you can grow to be arrogant and tyrannical. at your worst you can start abusing your power; at your best, you can use it to better the lives of all those around you like a true leader.

sun in the 11th house: here, the planet of ego is in the house of friendships, hopes, inventions and the collective, making you shine when you're able to help others. your friends are the most important thing for you, but be careful with identifying too much with them. you carry yourself with so much confidence, you're so full of life and with a love for learning and giving to others. eccentric personality and big dreams. you want to stand for a cause that matters to you alongside others who you love. others gravitate towards your magnetism, individuality and friendly nature, naturally looking up to you as a leader. if you happen to have been betrayed in the past, you might shut yourself completely from friendships due to a fear of trusting the wrong person again, but please don't deny yourself your need to socialize and to express your revolutionary ideas to others because you truly shine when you're around those who you trust and help you grow.

sun in the 12th house: you might have a very hard time understanding who you are and your identity, and because of this sense of unclarity about yourself + your intuitive and empathetic nature where you absorb others' energies like a sponge and need a lot of solitude to recharge yourself, you might feel like you need to keep a mask in public, to play a character to feel safe interacting with others. plus, it doesn't help that you have perfectionist tendencies and hate failing and making mistakes. there's a tendency to feel very insecure and misunderstood, and to feel melancholic and with turbulent emotions, so you should be gentler with yourself and allow yourself to express your sensitivities, the way you're so compassionate and giving. because even if you need time to recharge for introspection, you shine when you can help others. be careful with developing self-destructive behaviors. artistic tendencies because of the depth of your emotions and inner world. you can be truly wise and others might see you as an "old soul" because of that. you might be a night owl. psychic potential.

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ts-porter · 3 years

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The Shanty and the Hive

The first time the humans told us they sang their way through subspace, we thought it a translation error.

We-the-hive were overjoyed to meet them. Finally, finally, it was proven that we were not alone! And though we already knew that we must not be, given the vastness of time and the multiverse, we also knew that those same vastnesses were against us. Civilizations we could meet are greatly outnumbered by those who came before us and we are too late to meet, those who will come after us and we are too early for, and those so far away that we cannot find them.

A starfaring civilization, like our own, increased the chances of meeting greatly. One of our most distant scientific surveyors sensed a faint and far away disturbance, similar to the waves our own ships make when diving into and out of subspace. An exploratory team was sent to investigate, and there at the furthest reach ever taken from the hive's center, to our everlasting joy, we found human explorers on the far edges of their own range.

Their ships were strange to us, and their selves even stranger. Translation, and the mutual communication of peaceful intentions, was difficult. Mathematics was the first understanding we were able to share, as the basic principles do not change—though their and our systems of harnessing it are different. Science followed after, as the elements and natural laws are unchanging. So it was discovered that we-the-hive and the humans share the common ground of being carbon-based heterotrophs who consume water to maintain life processes.

These commonalities were far outnumbered by our differences. Yet, the most important thing we had in common was the desire to understand each other. With earnest effort, with forgiveness for unintended insult and misunderstanding, we worked to learn each other's languages.

Science being an early part of our understanding of each other, we asked them about the construction of their ships. They told us of their material compositions and their subspace engines, different in design but similar in purpose to our own technology—but when we asked them about the shielding and stabilization they used to make the journey survivable, they told us only that they sang their way through.

Translations were imprecise, and their language often contradictory. Of course we believed that it was yet another translation error. We believed there was a nuance we were missing.

The humans were a very musical civilization. They were always singing, all of them. They sang for joy, and they sang for mourning, and they sang for any reason at all between the two extremes.

(Later, we would discover that this was not universally true. That those who crewed their ships were chosen from the most musical among them. We only met their singers, their travelers, their ship's crews. How could we know differently?)

We believed, with music such a central part of their civilization, that they had given the words for song more meaning. Their subspace stabilization and shielding technology, without which any ship that dove into the confusion of subspace would be utterly destroyed and lost, had taken its name from music. We-the-hive noted the mistranslation, and worked to increase our understanding.

As our trust and understanding increased, as the human linguists became haltingly conversant in our language and we in theirs, the humans introduced to us a group of their hatchlings. It was a mighty show of trust, as they valued their younger generations as deeply as we did our own. Though still flexible, an adult human's mind was too set in its ways to easily become fluent in another language. That of their hatchlings was far more suited to the acquisition of language. With equal time spent between their own language and ours, it was hoped that the young would grow to be adults who could serve as translators and teachers to increase the closeness and understanding of our peoples.

We allowed our hatchlings and theirs to mingle, to play together, to bond. We spoke to the human hatchlings, and the speed at which they learned our language matched the speed they learned the language of their own people. It was to be a long project, but a joyful and an exciting one.

We learned more about the humans, and they learned more about us. Along with scientific sharing, we established a small trade, exchange of goods and curiosities from one civilization to another.

Our understanding grew, but we still did not understand completely. The humans told us that they sang their way through subspace. When we could no longer believe that the translation was so deeply in error, we instead believed that the crews who piloted the human ships did not understand the technology they used. They were such a granular species, not unified. We believed that those who built the ships had not shared knowledge with those who piloted them, and so they had developed superstitions around technology they did not comprehend.

We-the-hive asked to send a pod of researchers through a subspace dive on one of the human ships. We asked for it. The humans agreed, willingly, in exchange for an equal number of their own scientists to take the same trip aboard one of our ships. Our pod and their scientists were chosen. The ships and the destination were chosen.

The pod boarded the human ship with nothing but curiosity and excitement. As the humans were wont to limit the number of dives they took and make the most of every trip, a ship carrying cargo on one of their usual supply runs was chosen. The ship was called the Merry Dancer, of the type the humans called a 'small freighter'.

It was greatly open through the inside. The 'bird's nest' hung from the ceiling at the center, and there the Captain and Pilots had their stations. Room had been found to rig up two safety harnesses, to secure two individuals from the research pod where we could watch the Captain and Pilots work. The rest of us joined the singers, who stood in a line from stem to stern along the bottom of the ship.

The mood was solemn and focused as the humans prepared for the journey. The subspace engines were prepped, their rumble vibrating through the ship. The Pilots and Captain stretched their hands and rolled their necks, loosening themselves up. The singers took deep breaths and hummed, warming their voices.

"All Ready?" the Captain asked. She was a small human, her wrinkled skin a pleasingly luminous deep brown and her thickly curly silver hair tied up in many braids and twisted into a knot at the back of her head. She was called Janette, and when she spoke, in her firm and quiet voice, the crew of the Merry Dancer listened closely and with respect.

"Singers in Position," the chief among the singers—the Lead Chanter—reported. "At your command, Captain." He was a large human, hairless and very round, with pink skin heavily freckled with brown spots. He was called George, and his voice was big and booming as so many of the ship's singers were. Even when he was not working he was always surrounded by the singers of the Merry Dancer, in a loud and happy group that was always singing, for they trusted him and liked to be close.

After a look and a nod with the two pilots, the Captain spoke again. "You may begin when ready," she said. And then, informally and with a small smile, "Sing to me."

Lead Chanter George stamped out a beat that the rest of the singers took up immediately. He inhaled a massive breath, filling his belly and broad chest to its limit. (And we had heard of the training most ship's singers chose to undertake from childhood, exercises to increase their lung capacity and improve the volume and resonance of their voices, that they might sing loud and long without doing themselves damage. George epitomized the results, as so many lead chanters did.)

He belted out the line to song we had heard the humans singing before. A 'shanty', they called it; an old one. It was dated from long before their species even dreamed that they could leave their birth planet and sail across the stars rather than the oceans of their homeworld.

"Oh, we'll blow the man up and we'll blow the man down!" George led.

And every singer through the ship, in time and at great volume, sang out in answer: "Way, hey, blow the man down!"

George spared a brief moment of attention to wink at the nearest member of the research pod as he led again: "We'll make the trip over, won't let our friends down."

"Give us some time to blow the man down!" the singers responded.

The sound of their voices and the solid beat of their stamping boots vibrated the entire ship. It was clear that the acoustics were designed such that the vibrations bounced off the walls of the ship, centering unerringly on the crow's nest. The Captain and the Pilots nodded in time as the Lead Chanter improvised the next verse and sang it up to them, as the singers responded in tuneful chorus.

The Captain's hand clenched on a lever, the subspace engine throttle, tight enough her knuckles paled. A deep breath, and she slammed the throttle wide open in time with the singers. The engine roared briefly, outclassed only by the song. Immediately it was clear why the humans, in their language, had named their version of the subspace dive after a violent strike—the punch. It was a hard transition, swift and jarring.

Then. Oh, then. We understood, suddenly and most terribly, why the humans could not describe their subspace shielding and stabilization technology to us, for they had none.

They had none!

Their minds, bodies, and their entire ships were fully exposed to the nongeometrical confusion of subspace. The research pod, we who had asked to be there and been eagerly chosen, were caught up in it as well. Spacetime was ruffled, twisted, wrinkled, defying understanding in ways that three-dimensional space and regularly linear time never did. Unshielded subspace was a mind-destroying horror, the likes of which we-the-hive had never experienced.

And through the midst of the direful disorientation, the humans were singing.

We-the-hive discovered the principles of subspace engines, the basics for the traversing of subspace to make the lightyears of interstellar travel pass in hours, long before we used them. The dive to the space below the three dimensional and outside of linear spacetime requires mere force. Three generations were born and died while we developed the much more difficult shielding and stabilization technology, which requires finesse. Only when we had perfected it, when we could hold an entire ship in a stable pocket of three dimensions through a subspace trip, did we become starfarers.

The humans had taken a very different approach.

Lead Chanter George stood like a stone against the wind, inventing lyrics for his ancient shanty, and the ship's singers stomped the deck in time and answered, never faltering. Above them, Captain Janette and her pilots listened hard to the song and the echoes. Their hands were on their controls, manually firing the ship's small stabilization engines. They judged by the sound alone whether any part of the ship was warping, if it was redshifting or blueshifting out of tune or out of time.

Ship's singers had told us, proudly, that they lived and died by their voices. We had thought it hyperbole.

The twist and shake of the ship, what the humans called the shimmy and roll and the bucking gravitational waves, never abated. The singing never ceased. In between lines of the call and response of the shanty, singers took sips of water from the bottles on their belts to keep their throats from growing dry. George communicated with his Second with brief hand signs, and sie took over leading with a different shanty—another ancient song, The Wellerman. The pilots breathed hard with the effort of concentration. Sweat beaded at the Captain's hairline. A thin trickle ran down her cheek and neck in a jaggedly uneven line, pushed and pulled by the roiling of subspace.

The humans, with their fortitude and adaptability, and specifically the crew of the Merry Dancer with their long experience, were able to keep functioning. They could continue to work despite the tearing disorientation, else the ship and all in it would have been lost. The members of the research pod were not so prepared, and were not so adaptable. With communication disrupted between us so each was utterly alone, with the confusion and isolation overwhelming, we had all curled up tight inside our carapaces for safety, like frightened hatchlings. Only one in three were able to even peek a single eyestalk out to observe with shattered perception, to increase our knowledge and understanding as had been the intention of the trade.

(On the hive's ship, mid journey, one of the human researchers aboard hesitantly asked when the trip was going to begin. This caused great confusion all around.)

Another unknowable and incomprehensible time later, the Second signaled to Lead Chanter George, and he led again with a third song—Roll The Old Chariot Along. The music, sure and unending, was a comfort in the confusion. The singers' strong voices, unified, were a touchstone in the chaos.

The third song was ongoing when the subspace engine began cycling again, powering up for the punch back out. Despite the strain, despite the confused length of time of their singing, George's voice grew in volume, and the rest of the singers followed. They overwhelmed the sound of the engine, providing Captain Janette and the Pilots with the guidance they needed through the last moments.

The second punch was every bit as harsh as the first. Space time warped, twisted, and then snapped back into three dimensional linearity. Through the transition, the singers never faltered. The reverberation of their voices rang through the ship, a joyful shout. George had his hands raised high as he led one final chorus at half time.

"Lead Chanter, singers, you may stand down," the Captain announced, formally, and then smiling but still dignified despite her obvious weariness. "Nicely done, crew."

Some of the singers cheered and hugged each other, or slapped each other's backs in celebration. Others, though, ran and fell to their knees by the nearest of the research pod to them.

"What happened?", "Are they ok?" "Are they hurt?", "I don't understand they just collapsed as soon as we punched!"

Lead Chanter George, trusted and respected by the singers he led, sang out calming words even as he sat on the deck beside one the nearest researcher from the pod—one who had an eye stalk out monitoring. He smiled at us, human expression of happiness. He placed one large warm hand on the back of the researcher's carapace. He could not speak our language, but with his tired voice he sang the tone of safety—with the caress and the crooning he communicated an absence of danger as we might to our own hatchlings.

We would learn that a young relative of his was among the human hatchlings who mingled with ours, that by observing us with our own hatchlings he'd learned the way to offer comfort. One and another of the singers took up the tone, until the ship throbbed with it. The research pod were given care and reassurance, and with the sharp reduction in stress we were able to uncurl, to communicate and reintegrate and return to a harmonious whole as we worked to piece together our shattered understanding of what had occurred.

The touch and the tone were not quite the same as our own, similar enough, but different. Still, the difference was not unpleasant. In that moment, in the relief and the... the kindness, the sonorous resonance of a human singer's voice and the softness of a human hand were fixed as beautiful. These humans were not us, not ours, but become beloved. When the research pod was reintegrated in the whole of we-the-hive, the beauty and affection remained.

We would learn that the journey we observed had been 'easy', routine, as safe as any trip could be. The humans had pride in the safety of their ships and in the training of their capable crews—that they lost, astoundingly, merely one in two thousand ships in unstabilized dives.

They had done so much with so little, singing their way through subspace while still researching the technologies that would make it safe.

When we-the-hive truly understood the risks the humans took with every single journey, when the research pod's knowledge was fully integrated, we knew we could not leave them without the advantages we had.

The decision to share all details of our subspace shielding and stabilization technology with the humans—with our friends—was swift and without dissent.

Edit - 04/20/21 So! This story is actually an eventual-future-worldbuilding of a short story about space shanties that I wrote in 2018, and which I have finally found a home for! The story in question sadly does not include aliens, but it does have ace lesbians singing their way through danger. It’s sweet and hope-punky and I think that if you enjoyed this one, you’d enjoy that one too!

“(don’t you) love a singer” is available in the It Gets Even Better: Stories of Queer Possibility anthology by Speculatively Queer. You can grab a copy [here]!

#fuck yeah humanity #humans are space orcs #space shanty #sea shanty #first contact #sff #free read #long post #hopepunk #hopecore

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