#the places they were at when they first met r CRAZY

[kirby0strombolli]

R U Mine?

matt sturniolo x reader

Summary: After a heated argument, Matt is determined to win back what's his.

Warnings: cursing, kissing, smut.

A/n: Based on R U mine? by Arctic Monkeys!

matt's pov

In my mind, when she's not right there beside me.

I go crazy 'cause here isn't where I wanna be

I don't want to be here.

As I trudged through my shift at the coffee place, every moment felt like an eternity, and I was already having a pretty shit day so far.

I'd currently spilled hot tea on myself, was late to work, and pissed on by a dog.

And hungover from last night.

So, to say the least, today was a shit day.

And I was on edge. She wasn't replying to my texts. She was all that I could think about. I couldn't focus on anything today.

Glancing at the previous messages I'd sent her last night, which she'd read, I sigh, my mind in a thousand places.

y/n <3 me R U mine? 04:25 ✓✓

Carrying a heavy tray of coffee, I glance at the clock, willing time to move faster, to see the girl I'd loved for so long, but it seemed to mock me, ticking away at a snail's pace.

The dull hum of the espresso machine behind me grated on my nerves, and the chatter of customers grated on my ears.

Everything was fucking annoying me.

Before I even have the chance to turn back to my tray, I feel an elbow in my face. Caught off guard, I drop the tray, and the shattering sounds meet my ears first.

I squeeze my eyes shut, gritting my teeth together.

I don't yell. I don't even act. I don't turn to meet whoever it was who had just pushed me off the edge.

'I'm going crazy.' I tell myself, 'being away from her'.

I'm pulled back to reality when I hear disapproving chatter, and my eyes snap open, to be met with annoyed faces.

Clenching my jaw, I almost rip my apron off my body, slamming it on the nearest table before grabbing my stuff and storming out the coffee shop, the door slamming shut behind me.

As I stepped outside, not daring to look back, as if it were planned, thunder rumbled overhead, unleashing a torrent of rain.

Thunder rumbled ominously overhead, mirroring my turbulent mood.

Great. Just- great.

With a sarcastic quip muttered under my breath, I quickly made my way to my motorbike, rain pelting down on me mercilessly.

But as I feel my phone buzz in my pocket, I stop in my tracks.

Without looking, I knew who it was. Her.

With my head bowed against the rain, I pull my phone out, checking the notification.

I was correct.

As I read the message, my heart jumped to my throat.

y/n <3 me R U mine? 04:25 ✓✓ y/n <3 We need to talk. mine in 10. me make it 5. ✓✓

I sigh in relief, and, not wasting a moment, before revving the motorbike engine, throwing my helmet atop my head, and steadying myself with a deep breath.

I could feel my clothes clinging to my skin, soaked through, but I hardly noticed.

I was numb.

All I could think about was the message I'd just received from the girl I couldn't even live without.

I couldn't help myself.

Even under the influence of alcohol last night, she was the only thing I could think about.

About her being mine.

And I can't help myself

All I wanna ever say is, "Are you mine?"

As Matt revved his motorcycle through the pouring rain, each drop felt like a palpable reminder of his urgency.

The rain pelted against his helmet, the sound mingling with the roar of the engine as he raced towards her house.

With each passing moment, his anticipation grew, the image of her lips haunting his thoughts.

The rhythm of the rain matched the pounding of his heart as he neared her apartment.

Each streetlight illuminated the path ahead, guiding him towards his destination.

In his mind, there was only one thing that mattered – for her to be his.

And as he approached her house, his pulse quickened with the promise of what awaited him beyond her door.

Without bothering to park the motorbike, I jump off, tearing my helmet off before making my way to her door.

I stop outside her door, staring at the white paint that coated it's frame.

The as if my thoughts spoke out loud, the door opened, revealing y/n.

Her eyes seemed to shine in the dull light of her apartment room, and the way she bit her lip left me feeling dizzy.

And the way her tiny shorts accentuated her curves...

As my eyes roam over her figure, I can feel hers on mine, too.

"What are you staring at, loser?" she teased, a playful smile gracing her lips.

My heart skips a beat, caught off guard by her words, and I look down nervously.

But as I feel her hands on my face, my anxiety disappears, replaced with desire as I look up, lips pursed about to reply.

She's a silver lining, climbin' on my desire

Before I could say anything else, she pulled me into a kiss, her hands buried in my soaked hair.

Pleasure surged through me as our lips met, the taste of rain and desire mingling in the air.

My hands roam eagerly over her body, pulling her closer to me as my hands rest on her waist.

As we pull apart, she winks with a sly smile and grabs my hand, electricity shooting through me.

Without a word, she backed into the room, drawing me with her like a magnet. I followed willingly, the intensity of her gaze pulling me closer.

Then, as soon as we were inside, our lips met once again, mine moving against her soft ones with urgency.

In the midst of our embrace, I kick the door closed behind us, the sound barely registering as we lost ourselves in each other.

I feel her smile against the kiss and we stumble backward together, willing to find the bed.

As we stumbled backward, we ended up on her unmade bed, our bodies entwined as we lay on our backs, staring up at the ceiling.

Our breaths slowed and I turned to her, scooting closer, my lips hovering above her collarbone.

I pressed my lips slowly, trailing down her neck, biting softly as I felt her tremble against me, yearning for more.

As I make my way back up to her lips, she gently pulls away, and smashes her lips against mine again.

This time the kiss was needy, full of light moans as I prod my tongue at her lower lip before slipping into her mouth, fighting for dominance.

I detach my lips from hers, panting for breath, watching her swiftly unbutton her shirt, pulling it over her head.

''Well, that was quick.'' I smirk and she hits my arm playfully.

I admire her semi-exposed breasts, peaking over the top of her bra, I feel myself get even harder than I was when she opened the door.

I groan as she palms me through my black sweats, my erection clear.

"Fuck." I bite the inside of my cheek as I look down at her, her hair dishevelled, her cheeks flushed, the red marks on her neck stating she was mine.

She still looked beautiful.

But I needed to know one thing.

"Before I do this, I need to know one thing." I lick my lips, awaiting a response.

"I'm ready, Matt." She looks up at me through my eyelashes, her hands reaching for my belt.

I shake my head, the question floating in my head.

She cocks her head, confused.

I brush away a strand of her hair, my nerves kicking in.

"Well, are you mine?" I bite my cheek hard, prepared for the worst.

She looks up in realisation, and with a smirk she replies;

''Fuck yeah.''

"Say it." I demand, pounding into her from behind, the room full of breathy moans and the squelching of my length inside her perfect cunt.

She says something inaudible into the pillow, letting out short whimpers after I grip her hair and lift her head from the pillow.

"Want to hear your pretty noises, yeah? Now say it." I grip her hips harshly and pound impossibly deeper into her, hitting that sweet spot several times as she yells my name.

"Fuck, matt...I'm yours." She whined, bucking her hips up to mine, her knuckles turning white from grasping the sheets.

"Good girl." I grunt, "Gonna come..." I'm barely finished as I feel her release around me, her cunt squeezing around my cock as I release my load into her.

I ride out our highs, with my head thrown back in ecstasy, hips snapping against hers, never wanting to stop as I hear her cries from under me, fuelling me to go on.

Eventually, my pace slows, and I slowly pull out, patting her ass, as I sit up, pulling my boxers back on.

I lean back against the frame of the bed, my arm resting on her hip.

When she doesn't move, I gently climb over her, and lay next to her, looking up at the ceiling.

"You good?" I ask, peering over at her, concerned.

"That was the best sex i've ever had." She slowly turns around to face me, her voice hoarse.

"mhm?" I smile, running my tongue over my teeth with a slow, deliberate motion, the gesture seemingly innocent yet undeniably seductive.

My eyes locked with hers, holding her captive in the intensity of my gaze, as if silently conveying my unspoken desires.

God she looked so good right now.

She nods, a small smile plastered on her face.

I grin, momentarily placing a kiss on her cheek before jumping up to the bathroom.

"All you and that pretty little cunt." I smirk, grabbing a towel and wetting it.

Before making my way back to her, I turn the water on, and grab some towels.

When I return back to her, she's barely sitting up, her lips red, hickeys along her neck, hair a mess.

She still looked like an angel.

"Hey, beautiful." I kneel on the floor, gently prizing open her legs, settling the towel above her cum-covered pussy.

"Who said I wanted to stop?" I look up at her; She has a smirk on her face as she moves the towel aside, caressing my face.

"I want your face in between my thighs so bad," She whispers, and I feel my just soft dick get hard again in the matter of seconds.

I swallow hard, gripping her thighs,"Yeah, ma?" She nods, biting her lip and I lower my face down, not breaking eye contact, working my way up to her cunt, peppering kisses down her thighs, biting harshly as she lets out gasps and soft moans, enough to make me come in my pants, there and then.

When I finally reached my destination, I paused, taking a moment to admire the sight before me. Her thighs were spread wide, her pussy glistening.

With a slow, deliberate motion, I spread her folds apart, not being able to resist the urge to bury my face between her thighs, to explore every inch of her with my tongue.

I traced slow circles around her clit, relishing in the way she squirmed beneath me, her hands clutching at the sheets as she begged for more.

I don't need to look up to tell she's enjoying this as she begins to grasp my hair, pulling on the strands lightly, making me groan, the vibrations from my voice making her even more wet.

I lick a stripe up her wet cunt, my eyes rolling to the back of my head at how good she tasted.

"taste so good, ma."

I can hear her hitched breaths and quiet whimpers, each sound of hers edging me to go faster. I begin to swirl my tongue over wet pussy, my nose brushing over her clit.

"don't stop, matt" she whines, bucking her hips up onto my face.

I plunge my tongue into her cunt, dripping with her slick arousal, and thrust it aggressively into her, my head buried deep between her legs.

Her broken moans and sobs go straight to my throbbing erection, not helping me as I swirl my tongue in and out of her, the lewd sounds enough to push me over the edge.

Her hands find their way to my hair again, and this time she pulls my brown locks hard, the pain subsiding into pleasure, and as I hum against her clit, she presses the back of my head impossibly closer to her throbbing pussy.

"Fuck, Matt- I'm close..." She gasps, in between pauses.

I mumble something inaudible in between her thighs, flicking my tongue over her clit at an ungodly pace.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck, I'm gonna-" she whimpered, her voice strained with the intensity of her impending release.

But before she finished her sentence, I felt her squirt on my face, and her body arched against my face as I continued to plunge my tongue impossibly deeper into her, helping her riding out the waves of her orgasm.

Slowly, my pace stops, and I reach up to kiss her, savoring the taste of her arousal on my lips. As we pull away, I lick my lips, holding eye contact.

"So, how are you?" I ask, my eyes scanning her body.

"Good," She giggles against my chest, her cheeks flustered. I straddle her, pressing a kiss to her nose as she squirms underneath me.

I look down at my pants then back up at her.

"You really do know how to make me come."

#matt sturniolo x reader #matt sturniolo #music #r u mine #spotify #sturniolo smut #fluff #smut #x reader #female reader #tumblr fyp #sturniolo triplets #sturniolo #chris sturniolo #smutty fanfiction #oneshot #angst with a happy ending #sturniolo x reader #sturniolo fanfic #sturniolo imagine #matthew sturniolo #christopher sturniolo

[wizardnuke]

shadowgast. frows up

#the places they were at when they first met r CRAZY #guy trying to do better at varying degrees of actually doing better/guy who can and will cast Turns You Inside Out #ppl who write sg fic I a way that very vividly showcases the neuroticism and also deep-set violence and fear in them. thank u

[wandamaximoffsbadgirl]

The Widow's Shadow

Natasha Romanoff x Enhanced! Stark!Fem!Reader

Summary: Tony and Pepper adopted you at 13 and now at the age of 18 a beautiful woman named Natalie Rushman walks into your life just as things start to heat up as your powers get displayed for the world to see.

Word Count: 10.5K

Warnings: 18+, MDNI, just basic smut nothing crazy. R is innocent and it's her first time, Natasha at times refers to herself as Daddy, mentions of death (a car accident), R is orphaned,

A/N: I spent so long on this. It takes place during Iron Man 2 when Natasha is undercover as Natalie Rushman.

The lights in the room were dim, with only the boxing ring illuminated in the center. The rhythmic thud of gloves against pads filled the air, accompanied by the grunts and shouts of those sparring. Your heart raced as you adjusted the grip on your boxing gloves, the anticipation building up inside you.

Then she walked in.

Natalie Rushman. Or at least, that's the name she gave. With her fiery red hair, confident stride, and those piercing eyes that seemed to look right through you, she was a force to be reckoned with. She exuded an aura of mystery, and you were instantly captivated.

Your attention wavered, and in that split second of distraction, you stumbled. Your fist, meant for Happy, met nothing but air as you lost your balance. The next thing you knew, you were on the ground, your chin throbbing, and the metallic taste of blood in your mouth.

"Damn it," you muttered, spitting out the blood, embarrassment flooding over you.

Before you could gather yourself, Natalie was by your side, a small cloth in hand. The gentle touch of her fingers as she dabbed away the blood sent shivers down your spine. "You should be more careful, cupcake," she said, her voice dripping with concern and a hint of playfulness.

“Cupcake?” your heart fluttered.

"Yes, I'm just clumsy sometimes. Don't worry about me, uh..."

"Natalie. Natalie Rushman," she introduced herself, her lips curling into a warm smile that made your heart skip a beat.

"Thank you, Ms. Rushman," You managed to say, your cheeks burning.

As she was called into the ring by Tony, you made your way over to Pepper, your adoptive mother. Sitting down in front of her, you tried to regain your composure, your mind racing with a whirlwind of emotions.

"What is he doing?" You asked, trying to divert your attention from Natalie's impending spar with Tony.

Pepper sighed, shaking her head. "About to cause us a lawsuit more than likely."

You chuckled, the tension in your chest easing slightly. But as you watched Natalie effortlessly dodge Tony's advances in the ring, a newfound determination took root within you. You needed to know more about her, to unravel the enigma that was Natalie Rushman.

The tension in the room shifted as Tony and Natalie engaged in their intense staring contest. You couldn't help but watch, the air thick with anticipation. After what felt like an eternity, Tony finally broke the silence, stepping out of the ring with a smirk.

"Happy, spar with her," he commanded, leaving Natalie and Happy to face off. You couldn't help but feel a mix of excitement and curiosity about this mysterious woman.

As Happy began to give instructions, Natalie's attention turned toward us. "Rule number one, never take your eyes off your oppon—"

Before Happy could finish his sentence, Natalie moved with lightning speed, effortlessly taking him down. It was a display of skill and strength that left you in awe. The intensity of the moment had a certain allure, and you couldn't deny the fascination that welled up inside of you.

However, your admiration was cut short as Pepper freaked out. You could see the concern in her eyes, contrasting sharply with Tony's impressed expression. It was clear that Natalie possessed a level of expertise that few could match.

As Natalie left the training area, Tony, sitting next to Pepper, turned to her with a grin. "I want one," he remarked, referring to Natalie.

Without thinking, you blurted out, "Me too." The room fell silent for a moment, and you became acutely aware of the disapproving glances from your parents—not because Natalie was a woman, but because she was about eight years older than you.

You cleared your throat, suddenly feeling a bit self-conscious. "I mean, I want a trainer like her. Someone who can handle themselves like that." You tried to backpedal, but the amusement in Tony's eyes and the stern look from your mother told you that your slip hadn't gone unnoticed.

Little did they know, Natalie Rushman had already left an indelible mark on you, and the journey into the world of the extraordinary was just beginning.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The sun bathed the Italian Grand Prix track in warm hues as the three of you strolled into the restaurant for lunch. The aroma of rich Italian cuisine filled the air, creating a backdrop to the high-energy atmosphere of the race.

"Mr. Stark," her voice called out, and your heart skipped a beat. There she was, Natalie Rushman, in a dress that accentuated every curve, giving you a smirk that sent a wave of excitement through you.

"Ms. Stark. Hello, how was your flight?" she greeted, her eyes locked onto you.

"Good, it was excellent," Tony replied before you could get a word in. You fought to conceal the disappointment and joined your parents as they went to grab drinks offered to them.

Natalie took the opportunity to brief Tony about someone wanting photos of you three. You found yourself pulled between your parents for the impromptu photo session, the camera flashes blinding you momentarily. As the bickering unfolded behind you, you tried to maintain a composed façade.

"Stark, you're a magnet for trouble," Natalie quipped, her gaze never leaving Tony.

"Yeah, but I love it," Tony retorted with his signature smirk.

While your adoptive parents argued about the unexpected presence of Natalie, it became apparent that Pepper was just as surprised as you were to see her here. The tension in the air was palpable, and you couldn't shake the feeling that Natalie Rushman was intricately woven into the fabric of your lives, bringing a mix of excitement and unpredictability. Little did you know, this encounter in Italy was just the beginning of a series of events.

The atmosphere in the restaurant was electric, filled with the buzz of conversation and the clinking of glasses. As you settled into the corner table, Tony's casual request for the specific seating sent Natalie off to make the arrangements. You couldn't help but watch her go, your eyes tracing the graceful sway of her hips with a sense of admiration.

'Damn, she's beautiful,' You thought, feeling a warmth spread through you. The age gap that had seemed so significant earlier now felt inconsequential.

You were lost in your thoughts when you felt Pepper's gaze on you. "Did you know about this?" she asked, her voice tinged with concern.

"No ma'am, Dad didn't tell me anything about this," You replied honestly, your eyes still lingering on Natalie.

Caught up in the moment, you decided to shed your jacket, feeling the confines of the suit weigh heavily on you. Beneath it, your black vest and light blue button-up felt more comfortable, hugging your frame just right. You rolled up your sleeves to your elbows, revealing the tattoos that adorned your arms.

You couldn't help but notice Natalie's subtle glances in your direction as you settled back into your chair, your posture relaxed yet confident. Resting your elbows on the table, you clasped your hands together, the pose unintentionally showcasing your tattoos and muscles.

You glanced over your shoulder, catching Natalie's eye. This time, it was her turn to look away, a faint blush coloring her cheeks. The playful exchange sent a thrill through you, and you couldn't help but smile.

The restaurant's ambiance was suddenly punctuated by a sense of urgency as Pepper scanned the room, her eyes widening in disbelief as she spotted the TV screen. Following her gaze, you saw what had caught her attention—a news report showing Tony getting into some sort of altercation.

"Uhhh, Mom..." You hesitated, pointing to the screen, your voice tinged with concern.

"Oh, you've gotta be..." Pepper's voice trailed off, her worry evident. "Where is Happy? Natalie?" she muttered, scanning the room once more.

You shrugged, feeling a sense of unease settle over you. "I'll go check, see if I can find them. If not, I'll go stop him myself," You offered, determined to help.

Pepper's warning glare stopped you in your tracks. "No use of your powers in public," she whispered through clenched teeth, her concern for your secret identity overriding any immediate action. “I have enough going on with your father right now Y/N/N.”

You rolled your eyes, frustration bubbling up inside you. Shoving your hands into your pockets, you sighed, "Yeah, yeah... I know, Mom." The weight of your powers felt like a burden in that moment, the desire to help conflicting with the need for secrecy.

Walking away, you couldn't help but dwell on the constraints that held you back. You had this incredible power at your fingertips, yet you were forbidden from using it when it mattered most. The internal struggle was real, and you grappled with the complexities of your identity, torn between the desire to do good and the necessity of maintaining your carefully guarded secret.

The urgency of the situation propelled you to take action. Without wasting any words, you found Natalie just around the corner and swiftly grabbed her wrist. She reacted defensively, ready to strike, but you caught her fist with your own, feeling the subtle itch of your tattoos, a primal instinct to protect yourself kicking in.

"Just me. We have a situation," you stated firmly, guiding her back toward Pepper.

As we approached Pepper, Natalie's attention shifted to the TV screens displaying Tony's predicament. Pepper wasted no time in questioning Natalie's knowledge of the situation. "Did you know about this?" she asked, her tone demanding answers.

Natalie looked up at one of the TVs, a nervous energy radiating from her as she wiped her hands on her dress. "No, this is the first I'm hearing of this," she assured Pepper.

Concern etched on her face, Pepper inquired about Happy's whereabouts. "Where's Happy?" she pressed.

"He's waiting just outside," Natalie responded promptly. "Go get him. I need him."

Natalie rushed off to retrieve Happy, leaving you standing there, eyes fixed on the screens. "What are you doing, Dad?" You muttered, your left arm itching, a physical manifestation of the unease and frustration building within you. The unpredictability of your lives was becoming increasingly apparent, and you couldn't shake the feeling that this was only the beginning of the challenges that lay ahead.

"Y/N. Go, now. We'll meet you there." The urgency in Pepper's voice snapped you into action. Without hesitation, you sprinted toward the race track, your focus razor-sharp as you navigated through the crowd. As you passed Happy and Natalie, you shouted over the noise, "I'll meet you down there! Get to the car with Mom!"

Adrenaline coursed through your veins as you approached the unfolding situation. Every second counted, and you couldn't afford to waste any time. The man on the track posed a potential threat, and you needed to intervene before things escalated further.

As you reached the edge of the track, you assessed the situation, formulating a plan of action. The safety of the racers and spectators was paramount, and you braced yourself for whatever challenges lay ahead.

The air crackled with electricity as the man on the track wielded his arch reactor-powered tendrils with lethal precision, slicing through the race cars as if they were mere toys. Your heart pounded in your chest as Tony's car took the hit, flipping over in a terrifying display of destruction.

"DAD!" Your scream echoed across the track, the fear and urgency evident in your voice. Without a second thought, you vaulted over the fence, your tattoos coming to life, swirling patterns of black smoke enveloping the two of you as you helped Tony out of the wreckage.

"Dad, are you okay?" You asked, your voice trembling with concern.

Tony's resolve hardened as he steadied himself, his gaze locked on the mysterious man. "Yes, Y/N/N, I'm fine. We need to stop him. This isn't how I wanted your debut to be, but it looks like it's time. I'm going to get behind him and try to knock him out," he declared, determination burning in his eyes.

You nodded, the gravity of the situation sinking in. As the smoke began to dissipate, you positioned yourself as the distraction, ready to confront the man and protect your family. The tendrils lashed out at you, crackling with energy, but your tattoos responded instinctively, deflecting each strike with calculated precision.

The standoff intensified, the track becoming a battleground as we clashed with an unknown adversary. But amidst the chaos, a newfound sense of purpose surged within you. You were ready to embrace your powers, to stand alongside your father and defend your legacy against those who sought to harm you.

The screeching of tires and the roar of the engine filled the air as the car skidded to a halt, Happy and Pepper finally arriving on the scene. The sight of the man slamming into the fence was a welcome relief, albeit a brief one.

"Get in the car, now!" Pepper's voice cut through the chaos, her urgency driving you into action. You didn't hesitate, quickly climbing into the car as Tony and the man continued their struggle.

The tension inside the car was palpable, Tony's stubbornness clashing with the immediate need for safety. The man's relentless pursuit of the Ironman suitcase added another layer of danger, and you knew you had to intervene.

Seizing the moment, you grabbed the suitcase and hurled it out of the car, clearing the way for Tony to finally subdue the man in a climactic showdown. The sense of relief was overwhelming as the police arrived, taking the man into custody and securing the arch reactor.

As the adrenaline wore off, Pepper's concern shifted to you, her hands checking for any sign of injury. "Are you hurt, Y/N/N? Does it hurt anywhere? Are you okay?" she asked repeatedly, her voice filled with worry.

You tried to reassure her, but the repetitive questions only intensified the throbbing in your head. "Mom, I'm fine, really," you said, doing your best to quell her concerns.

The atmosphere in the penthouse suite was thick with tension and emotion as Pepper and you returned from the chaotic events at the race track. The concern in Natalie's eyes was evident as she greeted you, her hands gently resting on your arms as she assessed your well-being.

"You aren't hurt, right?" Her voice was filled with genuine concern, sending a wave of warmth through you. She cared, and that realization was both comforting and exhilarating.

"I'm fine, but thank you. I just need some Tylenol and a hot shower," you replied, trying to mask the lingering adrenaline and fatigue.

"I'll get both ready for you, Ms. Stark," Natalie offered, her voice soft yet reassuring.

Retreating to your room, you collapsed onto the bed, the events of the day weighing heavily on your mind. Your tattoos continued to shift across your skin, a visual reminder of the power and responsibility that came with your abilities.

Lost in thought, you were caught off guard when Natalie suddenly appeared beside you, her proximity sending your heart racing. Your eyes locked, and you found yourself mesmerized by the intensity of her gaze.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Her whisper was barely audible, the concern evident in her eyes.

Caught up in the moment, you found yourself flirting with the boundaries of your relationship. "I mean...my lips kind of hurt...maybe you could kiss them better," You teased, throwing caution to the wind.

For a moment, Natalie looked taken aback, the implications of kissing Tony Stark's daughter weighing heavily on her mind. But the pull between you two was undeniable, and she leaned in, her lips meeting yours in a soft, electrifying kiss.

The world seemed to fade away as the two of you lost yourselves in the moment, the electricity between you igniting a spark that neither of you could deny. In that instant, you realized that your feelings for Natalie ran deeper than you had ever imagined, and you couldn't help but wonder what the future held for the two of you.

But for now, in this fleeting moment, you were content to savor the warmth of her embrace, the promise of what lay ahead lingering in the air as your lips met once again in a passionate kiss.

"My parents will kill both of us if they find out about that." You say sitting up. The post-adrenaline haze hung in the air as you sat up, the realization of the impulsive kiss sinking in. As you took the pills and downed the glass of water Natalie brought you, she playfully remarked, "Good girl." A shiver ran down your spine at her words, a mixture of surprise and amusement at the unexpected response to a simple act.

"I'll keep that reaction in mind for later, but for now, your shower is waiting for you. I'd join you, Ms. Stark, but I think they'd realize I was gone," Natalie whispered with a mischievous smile.

"Y/N. You can just call me Y/N or Y/N/N," you corrected, scratching your arm as a small smile played on your lips.

"Okay, Y/N/N, well, enjoy your shower and try not to think about me too much," Natalie teased, purposefully bending forward as she got up. The suggestive move caught you off guard, and you felt a sudden wetness between your thighs, a heat rising within you.

You stormed off toward the shower, your mind a whirlwind of conflicting emotions. The day had taken unexpected turns, and Natalie's playful banter only added to the complexity of the situation. As you stepped into the shower, the warm water enveloping you, you couldn't shake the lingering sensations from your encounter.

The atmosphere inside the plane was heavy with tension, the hum of the engines providing a constant backdrop to the somber mood. The news reports filled the cabin, discussing the events at the race track and speculating about Tony's actions and the existence of your powers.

"Child with toys," you grumbled, rolling your eyes at the dismissive tone of the reporters. The urge to defend your father and your family's legacy was strong, but you bit your tongue, choosing to retreat into your music instead.

Inserting your earbuds and selecting a playlist on your iPod, you closed your eyes and let the music wash over you. The familiar melodies provided a welcome escape, transporting you back to the intimate moment you shared with Natalie, the soft touch of her lips still lingering on yours.

Lost in thought, you found yourself yearning for the comfort and excitement of that stolen moment, a brief respite from the chaos and scrutiny that surrounded your lives. The complexity of your feelings for Natalie weighed on your mind, the unexpected connection leaving you yearning for more.

As the plane soared through the night sky, you allowed yourself to drift, the memories of your kiss and the promise of what lay ahead providing a glimmer of hope and excitement amidst the uncertainty of your lives.

The tension in the living room was palpable as Pepper and Natalie juggled their respective phone calls, their voices filled with a sense of urgency and concern. The events of the past few days had taken a toll on all of you, and the need for damage control was evident.

Rhodey's unexpected arrival added another layer of complexity to the situation, his stern demeanor contrasting with the chaos unfolding around you. Natalie's attempt to keep him away was met with a united front from Pepper and you, your synchronized response catching her off guard.

As Natalie's eyes narrowed and she mouthed a warning, you couldn't help but smirk, a chuckle escaping your lips as you shook your head in amusement. The playful exchange only heightened the tension between you, the unspoken connection growing stronger with each passing moment.

Walking on thin ice had never been so exhilarating, and you found yourself eagerly anticipating the moment when it would finally break, allowing you two to explore the depth of your feelings and the possibilities that lay ahead.

The anticipation for Tony's birthday party filled the air as you got ready in your room. Opting for an edgy yet stylish look, you adorned yourself in an asymmetrical black techwear skirt, a matching crop top, and thigh-high stockings with garter belts. Chunky Doc Martens completed the ensemble, and you threw up your Y/H/C up into a slightly messy bun. Dark makeup accentuated the tattoos that adorned your legs and covered your body.

Lost in your reflection, you didn't hear the door open and close. Only when Natalie appeared behind you, her arm snaking around your waist, did you realize you weren't alone. Her proximity sent a shiver down your spine as she whispered in your ear, "Who knew you could pull off suits and pretty skirts, cupcake."

A playful comment lingered in the air as you met her gaze through the mirror. Your breath caught when she continued, "I could just eat you out...I mean up." A suggestive bite of her lip followed, and your cheeks flushed with heat.

Her promise for later hung in the air, leaving you at a loss for words. "Once I get your dad all ready for his party, I'll come find you so we can have some fun of our own, okay, cupcake?" You could only nod, words escaping you in the face of the unexpected intensity of your exchange.

"Words, cupcake," she purred, her hand grazing your ass and squeezing slightly as she kissed your cheek. A shaky breath left you as you managed to stammer, "Y-yes, Natalie."

She smirked, letting her presence linger before sauntering off. You watched her leave in yet another alluring dress, feeling a magnetic pull as desire surged through you.

The pulsating beat from the party below seemed distant as you found myself alone with Natalie in your room. The bottle of vodka in your hand was both a comfort and a reminder of the chaos surrounding you. The weight of the world's scrutiny, the questions about your abilities, and the expectations tied to your identity as Tony Stark's daughter pressed down on you.

Natalie's sudden presence broke through your thoughts, her voice drawing you back to the present. "Hmmm last I checked you aren't 21, Ms. Stark," she remarked, her eyes locked onto yours. You took notice that she had changed since earlier now wearing a cheetah print slip dress.

Caught off guard, you tried to justify your actions. "Look, it's been a week, you know this. I just need to not think about everything for a bit, okay?" Your voice was tinged with frustration and vulnerability, the raw emotions bubbling to the surface.

Natalie's raised eyebrow and confident stride toward you sent a jolt of electricity through the air. Placing the bottle down, she closed the distance between you, her hands resting on your hips as she leaned in, her voice husky and seductive. "Well, if you don't want to not think for a bit...I could certainly help you with that. I am your assistant, after all."

The subtle shift in her voice, the hint of an accent, and the intoxicating proximity sent your heart racing. The line between assistant and lovers blurred, leaving you breathless and longing for more.

"No, you're my parents' assistant," you countered, trying to maintain some semblance of control. But Natalie's words and actions had already ignited a fire within you, the tension between you was palpable.

Her response, dripping with desire and intensity, pulled you in further, your resolve crumbling with each passing second. "You're their precious daughter, how could I not take care of you?" The closeness of your bodies, the warmth radiating between the two of you, elicited a soft moan from your lips, your voice betraying the desire coursing through me.

"Natalie..." you whispered, your voice filled with longing and anticipation, the promise of what lay ahead leaving you eager and breathless as your worlds collided, opening the door to a connection neither of you could deny.

The world seemed to fade away as your lips met, the intensity of your connection deepening with each passing second. Natalie's hand found its way to the back of your neck, pulling you closer as the kiss grew more passionate. Your hands instinctively cupped her cheeks, your bodies moving in perfect harmony as desire took hold.

The sensation was electrifying, every touch sending waves of pleasure coursing through you. Before you knew it, the two of you were tumbling onto the bed, your bodies entwined as the passion between you intensified. The softness of the sheets beneath you, the warmth of her body pressed against yours, all added to the overwhelming sensation of being lost in the moment.

When your lips finally parted, the look of surprise in Natalie's eyes mirrored your own feelings. But before you could react, she flipped you, her strength and confidence evident as she pinned you against the bed. The feeling of her thigh pressing between your legs sent a shiver down your spine, a gasp escaping your lips as pleasure surged through you.

Your eyes locked, the intensity of the moment leaving you both breathless and eager for more. Her husky voice and commanding words spurred you on, igniting a fire within you that you never knew existed.

"Move your hips, cupcake. Ride my thigh," she whispered, her lips finding yours once again in a passionate kiss.

The encouragement and guidance from Natalie gave you the confidence to explore new sensations, your body instinctively responding to her touch. As you began to move your hips, the pleasure intensified, a soft moan escaping your lips as the rhythm between you grew more intense.

The experience was exhilarating, the connection between you deepening as the two of you explored new levels of intimacy. Despite your lack of experience, Natalie's guidance and the undeniable chemistry between you allowed you to lose yourself in the moment, embracing the pleasure and excitement of the unknown.

Every touch, every kiss was a testament to the passion and desire that had been simmering beneath the surface, now fully unleashed as the two of you surrendered to the intensity of your connection. Lost in a world of pleasure and longing, you allowed yourself to be guided by Natalie, trusting her to lead you on a journey of discovery and fulfillment.

The intensity of the moment reached its peak as Natalie's words and actions drove you closer to the edge. The sensation of her hands on your hips, guiding and encouraging you, sent waves of pleasure coursing through your body, each touch amplifying the ecstasy that was building within you.

"I'm so glad you wore this skirt; it's so much easier to play with you," she murmured, her voice filled with desire and anticipation.

Her words, combined with the intoxicating rhythm of your bodies moving together, pushed you closer to the brink. The feeling of being on the edge, teetering between pleasure and release, was exhilarating, and you found yourself whining in desperation, craving the release that was within reach.

"N-Nat..." you moaned, your voice filled with longing and need.

"Go on, cupcake, cum for me," she whispered seductively, her eyes locked onto yours as she urged you to let go.

The intensity of her gaze, the warmth of her touch, and the intoxicating rhythm drove you over the edge, your body trembling with pleasure as waves of ecstasy washed over you. Your tattoos seemed to come alive, moving across your body in sync with the waves of pleasure, a visual testament to the intensity of the experience.

"That's my good girl. Just like that...ride it out, baby girl," Natalie whispered, her voice filled with pride and satisfaction.

You opened your eyes, the world coming back into focus as you met Natalie's gaze. Her pupils were blown, the green barely visible as desire and satisfaction radiated from her. You could only imagine that your own eyes mirrored hers, the connection between you deepening as you shared a moment of pure ecstasy and intimacy, lost in the intensity of your connection.

The sudden interruption jolted you back to reality, the remnants of your intimate moment with Natalie quickly fading as the house shook with the force of the impact. Instinctively, you both ran towards the main floor, your concern growing as you heard Pepper's voice.

"Natalie!" Pepper's voice echoed through the chaos, her tone filled with urgency and concern.

"Mrs. Potts," Natalie responded promptly, her professional demeanor coming to the forefront.

The tension in the room was palpable, Pepper's eyes narrowing as she looked from Natalie to you, her concern evident. Before she could say more, the floor erupted beneath us, Tony and Rhodey crashing through in a display of raw power and conflict.

"Go!" you urged Natalie and Pepper, your tattoos coming to life as you stepped forward, ready to intervene.

The look of concern in Natalie's eyes tugged at your heart, but you reassured her, "Go...I'll be fine." With that, they retreated, Happy guiding Pepper away while Natalie disappeared in another direction.

"Stop fighting, you two! I will separate you!" You called out, your shadowy tendrils extending from your body, ready to intervene.

"Don't get involved, Y/N/N. This is between your father and me," Rhodey warned, his voice filled with determination and resolve. As he was don in the War Machine suit.

Despite his words, you couldn't stand by and watch as the two men you cared about most clashed in a battle that threatened to tear them apart. The power surging through you, the determination to protect and intervene, drove you forward as you stepped between them, ready to do whatever it took to stop the fighting and restore peace.

The adrenaline coursing through your veins began to wane as the immediate threat subsided. Exhausted, you released your grip on Tony, your muscles aching from the effort it took to restrain him. His intoxicated state only added to my frustration and concern, the gravity of his actions weighing heavily on you.

"What the hell was that, Dad!?" You shouted, your voice filled with anger and disbelief.

But Tony was lost in a drunken haze, his words slurred and unintelligible as he mumbled to himself. The reality of the situation hit you hard, the realization that his actions had not only put himself at risk but also jeopardized the safety and well-being of everyone around him.

"You ruined my night..." you muttered, the disappointment and frustration evident in your voice.

Thoughts of Natalie filled your mind, the connection you had shared was overshadowed by the chaos and conflict that had erupted. The uncertainty of whether you would see her again weighed heavily on you, the hope of exploring your newfound connection clouded by the events that had transpired.

The morning brought a new day, but the lingering tension from the events of the previous night weighed heavily on you. Tony, still in his suit, took you to a breakfast spot for some donuts, attempting to break the silence and ease the tension that hung between you.

"You really messed up last night," you stated bluntly, taking a bite of your bear claw.

"Yeah, yeah, shut up and eat your breakfast," he retorted, a hint of regret in his tone.

As the two of you enjoyed your breakfast on the rooftop, Nick Fury approached, interrupting your moment of relative peace. You used your smoky tendrils to descend slowly, greeting Fury with a smile.

"Fury," you acknowledged, the familiarity in your interactions a contrast to the strain in your relationship with your father.

"Little Stark," Fury replied, a smile crossing his face as he hugged you. Tony eventually joined you, and the three of you headed inside to continue your conversation.

Sitting in a booth with your father and Fury on the opposite side, you were taken aback when Natalie appeared, clad in a skin-tight black bodysuit. Your mouth fell open as she smiled at you. The unexpected presence of someone you thought you might not see again left you momentarily speechless.

"We've secured the perimeter, but I don't think we can handle it much longer," she reported to Fury.

"Huh...you're fired," Tony declared, a hurt expression crossing your face.

"Oh, that's not up to you," Natalie retorted, her words cutting through the tension.

"Tony, little Stark, I'd like you to meet Agent Romanoff," Fury introduced.

"I'm a S.H.I.E.L.D shadow. Once we knew you were ill, I was tasked to you by Director Fury. Finding out you had powers was just icing on the cake," Natalie explained, her gaze lingering on you.

The revelation about Natalie's true role left you unsettled. As you looked away, a sense of dissociation washed over you—a defense mechanism you hadn't employed in a long time. The complexities of your newfound powers and the tangled web of relationships and secrets threatened to pull you further into the abyss, leaving you grappling with the uncertain path that lay ahead.

The weight of the recent events and the complexities of your relationships left you feeling isolated and overwhelmed. Holed up in your room, a wave of depression washed over you, casting a shadow over everything. A knock at the door interrupted your solitude, but you didn't feel like engaging with anyone. Despite your lack of response, the door opened.

"Go away, Dad. I don't want to talk," you called out, assuming it was Tony attempting to breach the walls of your solitude.

"Oh, I'm not your dad, unless that's something you're into," Natalie's voice cut through the air. The unexpectedness of her presence caused you to shoot up, facing her as she stood just past your door.

"What do you want?" you asked coldly, your guard up as you braced for whatever conversation or confrontation might follow. The uncertainty of where you stood and the weight of your emotions made it difficult to predict the nature of your interaction.

"I want to talk if you'll let me," Natalie's voice was soft, but the weight of her words hung heavily in the air.

"Why should I? Everything I know about you is a lie, Natalie! Oh wait, that isn't even your name!" Your voice trembled with anger and hurt, the betrayal you felt evident in every word. "I gave myself to you. You were my first, and it was all a lie!" Tears welled in your eyes, the pain of the deception cutting deep.

As Natalie stepped closer, you felt a surge of emotions, your tattoos reacting to your heightened state. "Don't," you warned, the tendrils of smoke-like energy emanating from your skin, ready to defend and protect.

"You wouldn't," she challenged, closing the distance between us despite your warning.

"I said don't." Your voice was firm, the energy around you intensifying as you braced for a confrontation.

But instead of a clash, Natalie's arms wrapped around you, pulling you into a hug as you broke down. Your knees buckled beneath you, and you clung to her tightly, the weight of your emotions overwhelming. Smoke from your tattoos clouded around the two of you, a physical manifestation to how clouded your mind felt.

"You lied...you lied to me..." you sobbed, your fists weakly pounding against her as the tears flowed freely.

She held you close, waiting patiently for the storm of emotions to pass, her presence a source of comfort amidst the chaos of your feelings. The pain of the betrayal lingered, but in that moment, the connection between you offered a glimmer of hope amidst the uncertainty and pain.

"I had to, and I know you have no reason to trust me, but I'm going to tell you something, something no one else knows about me. Can you look at me, Y/N/N?" Natasha urged, her voice filled with a vulnerability you had never heard from her before. Gently, she tilted your chin upwards, her eyes searching yours as she saw the hurt reflected in them.

"You're right, my name isn't Natalie. I go by Natasha now, but my real name, not a spy name or anything like that. The one on my original birth certificate is Natalia," she confessed, her voice soft and sincere. "Though I change names around, I've always been..."

"Nat?" You interrupted, the realization dawning on you.

She was caught off guard but smiled warmly, "Yeah, always, cupcake."

You searched her eyes, looking for any sign of deception, any hint that this was another lie. But all you found was sincerity and a depth of emotion that mirrored your own. The journey to rebuild trust would be a long one, but in that moment, you felt a glimmer of hope.

"It's going to take time for me to fully trust anything you say, but for now...please just...stay with me," you whispered, your voice trembling with emotion as you clung to her tightly.

"Whatever you need, cupcake," Natasha replied, her voice filled with determination and resolve. Slowly the smoke dissipated around you, your mind clearing up.

Leaning up, you captured her lips in a soft, lingering kiss, the connection between you reigniting as you slowly explored the depths of your feelings. Despite the challenges and uncertainties that lay ahead, the bond between you remained unbroken, a testament to the strength of your connection and the hope for a future built on trust and understanding.

The atmosphere in the lab was thick with anticipation and nostalgia as Tony and yourself delved into the trunk of his father's belongings. The weight of the legacy left behind by his father loomed large, the contents of the trunk a tangible link to the past and the future.

"So this is all the stuff Grandpa left for you," you remarked, sorting through the items before handing a blueprint of the arc reactor to Tony. His fingers traced the lines and annotations, a sense of reverence in his touch as he studied the intricate design.

Setting the blueprint aside, Tony began to sift through his father's old journal, his eyes scanning the pages filled with calculations and theories. The depth of knowledge contained within the pages was staggering, a testament to his father's genius and the groundbreaking work he had undertaken.

"Hey, Dad, there are some reels of film. We should watch them," you suggested, your curiosity piqued as you handed the reels to Tony.

Nodding in agreement, Tony set up the projector, the soft whir of the film reels filling the room. As the images flickered to life, we were greeted by the familiar face of his father, his voice echoing through the years as he spoke passionately about the arc reactor and its potential to change the world.

As the film played on, revealing insights and revelations about the arc reactor's design and functionality, Tony and you were drawn deeper into the legacy that had shaped his family's destiny. The blend of past and present, the convergence of old knowledge and new possibilities, served as a poignant reminder of the responsibility you carried and the legacy you hoped to uphold.

Together, you continued to explore the contents of the trunk, each item a piece of the puzzle, each revelation a step closer to unlocking the mysteries of the arc reactor and fulfilling Tony's quest to perfect it for his own life force and well-being. The journey ahead was filled with challenges and uncertainties, but in that moment, you were united in your determination to honor the legacy of the past and forge a path forward into the future.

As the film continued to play, a poignant moment unfolded as Tony's father addressed him directly. The atmosphere in the lab grew still, the weight of the words hanging in the air as his father spoke with a sense of purpose and conviction.

"I built all of this for you, Tony," his father's voice echoed through the years, a heartfelt message from the past. "Someday, you'll understand it all and be able to pick up where I left off."

The sincerity in his father's words resonated deeply, the realization dawning on Tony that he was part of something far greater than himself, a legacy that spanned generations. The mention of his father, limited by the resources available to him at the time, added another layer of complexity to the narrative, highlighting the sacrifices and challenges faced by those who had come before him.

As the film continued, revealing more insights and revelations about the arc reactor's design and functionality, Tony was faced with the daunting task of carrying forward the legacy entrusted to him. The responsibility weighed heavily on him, but the belief and confidence his father had placed in him served as a source of inspiration and motivation.

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“It was an illegal seizure of trademark property.” Your mother spoke on the phone as you lounged on the couch in her office, the news once again playing on about Iron Man and talking about you. How young you are and how reckless it is of your adoptive father to allow you to use these enhanced powers. A scoff rolls off your tongue as if he truly had any control over you. You had mostly stopped paying attention to the droning anchorman when two words slipped out of a small girls mouth who was being interviewed.

“When I grow up I wanna be just like the Shadow Queen!” You shot up straight, watching the television and ignoring the fact that your father just walked in carrying the one thing your mom is allergic too.

“Did you guys hear that!?” You asked excitedly calling over the couch that you now perched backwards on and interrupting the conversation they were having. Both looked at you and then the news on TV which now had the headline ‘Shadow Queen: Is This Child Endangerment?’ Pepper let out an exasperated sigh and Tony smiled.

“You are not pulling anymore stunts. Natalie and I are still trying to do damage control.” Pepper spoke and you could hear how over the topic she’d become ever since Italy. You deflated a bit back into the couch until Natasha walked in. Her eyes flicked to you a smirk on her face as she walked up to Pepper.

“Wheels up in 25 minutes. Will Ms. Stark be joining us?” Natasha asked and you smiled.

“Yes she will be.” You answered, jumping the couch. “Oh and Natalie dear can you get me a meeting with the press? I’d like to make an official statement as Shadow Queen.” Both Pepper and Natasha looked at you.

“Absolutely not.” Pepper spoke.

“Sorry mom. I need to do this. I know you and dad both think I’m a kid still. I’m not. I’m not the same girl dad found. I’m an adult now. I’ve watched both of you for so long now and I need to do this for myself. I need the world to know who I am.” You look from your mom to Natasha who doesn’t offer any guidance as your eyes wander back to your mom who lets out a sigh.

“If it’s not your dad it’s you causing me a headache.” She was rubbing her temples. “Just go get ready for the flight. Wear something nice.”

“Do you need anything else boss?” You heard Happy call and when both Pepper and Tony tried to answer, Tony looked around the room at the three of you.

“Oh I see I lost all the kids in the divorce.” He laughs, but Natasha stays focused on Pepper and you stay focused on Natasha. You see Happy shake his head in your peripheral. “No.” Natasha’s focus moved from Pepper to out the floor to ceiling windows of the office before her eyes flickered back to you. Her expression unchanging. Tony cleared his throat, catching your attention. “Are you blending in well here, Natalie? Here at Stark Enterprises?” Is he serious right now? You think to yourself as his tone shifts. At the mention of her name Natasha turns her head towards Tony. Her head tilting down ever so slightly as if to say stop, but Tony being who he is continues. “Your name is Natalie, isn’t it?”

“Dad.” You catch all three of their attention. “Did you hit your head or something?” You ask sticking your hands in your pockets. “Her name hasn’t changed since we met her. Natalie. Natalie Rushman. Remember?” You tilt your head to the side almost as a little warning. Your tattoos shifting ever so slightly that catches Tony’s attention.

Pepper got up while the two of you talked, taking with her the papers she had just signed. “Y/N/N, hurry up. Go change I’ll meet you and Natalie on the plane.” You smiled at your mother as she left the room. Natasha began to clean up her desk waiting for Pepper to be gone before speaking,

“I’m surprised you can keep your mouth shut.” There was a bite to her voice that made you shiver and smile.

“Boy, you’re good. You are mind-blowingly duplicitous. How do you do it? You just tear things....You’re a triple imposter. I’ve never seen anything like you. Is there anything real about you? Do you even speak Latin?” Tony rambled and as Natasha started to leave, following behind you she spoke out in Latin,

“Which means? Wait. What? What did you just say?” Tony asked spinning around in his chair as you wait by the door for Natasha who spun around on her heels to answer him.

“It means I’m fucking your daughter.” She turned back and grabbed your wrist as the two of you left, your mind sputtering.

“What the hell Nat!?” You finally managed out as the two of you stopped at your room to change. An outfit already picked out by Natasha you assumed.

“You think that he’ll actually take that to heart? He called me a triple agent and asked if anything about me is real.” You went to say something, but she stopped you with a kiss. “Shhh cupcake. Get dressed in the outfit I picked.” Her breath hot against your lips and no matter how much you wanted to fight it. That wouldn’t happen as she helped get you undressed.

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You, Pepper, Happy, and Natasha arrive at the Expo. It’s all too loud and noisy for your liking, but you stick close to Natasha. You brush your arms together every so often and a gentle squeeze here and there from her when she can tell you’re getting too tense.

Your tattoos have ben shifting all night. Something wasn’t right and you make mention of it to Natasha when she asks what’s wrong. The markings adorning your body shifting along and Natasha who was already keeping a close eye on things seems to double down.

The three of you sat in the audience watching as Justin Hammer revealed his latest ‘invention’ which was just a rip of of the Iron Man suit making your blood boil and your tattoos itch as they crawled around your skin. You had begun itching at your arms until Natasha’s hand found yours. Your fingers intertwining with hers as she she your hands down on your lap. Keeping her eyes on the stage. You looked at her and then your eyes flicked to Pepper who was too wrapped up in the blatant rip off of Tony’s suit.

Everyone around the three of you clapping as he showed off each set in a different style for each branch of the military. “That’s a hell of a lot better than some cheerleader, let me tell you. But as revolutionary as this technology is, there will always be a need for man to be present in the theater of war.” You roll your eyes knowing just how badly things could go if they start adding anything remotely close to robotic tech like this into the mix of war. It should be nowhere near the battlefield, but idiots like Justin don’t know and don’t care about things like that when money is involved. “Ladies and gentlemen, today I am proud to present to you the very first prototype in the Variable Threat Response Battle Suit and its pilot, Air Force Lieutenant Colonel James Rhodes.” As Justin stepped back leaving both Pepper and yourself in shock two quiet “What!?” came out of your mouths.

Rhodey was slowly lifted up in the Mark II suit he had taken a few days prior. You grit your teeth at the man who you practically considered an uncle turning against your father. As Rhodey came into full view you could tell modifications had been made to the suit and it looked a bit bulkier all around with a gun coming off the right shoulder. “For America and its allies, Hammer Industries is reporting for...” Justin didn’t get to finish his sentence as a rumbling started to approach catching everyone’s attention.

You knew what it was as soon as it came into view, your dad, in his suit. Coming right up and touching down in front of Rhodey. You stood up, un able to sit any longer, but you felt the tug back from Natasha. You looked back at her and exchanged looks for a moment before she slowly let your hand go after giving it a tight squeeze.

Everyone was standing up to clap so luckily it went mostly unnoticed until your tattoos moved off your skin pushing you up and landing you just behind your dad. He turned only slightly, but gave no other acknowledgement.

“We got trouble.” Tony stated walking towards Rhodey.

“Tony, Y/N/N there are civilians present.” Rhodey mentioned and you looked behind and back at him like, ‘yeah I know’. “I’m here on orders. Let’s not do this right now.”

“Give them a wave.” You heard Tony state as you walked up to the two men. You turned around giving a smile and two peace signs, letting your tattoos slowly dance around you.

“Hey, all right! Yeah!” Justin pushed past you trying to recapture the audience attention.

“All these people are in danger.” You heard Tony speak, but didn’t react as you were still looking at the crowd. “We gotta get em outta here. You gotta trust me for the next five minutes.”

“Yeah, I tried that. I got tossed around your house, remember?” Rhodey reminds and you turn to the two men finally.

“Listen I think he’s working with Vanko.”

“Vanko is alive?” Rhodey asked and you were questioning the same thing. Tony moved you back to just behind Rhodey as he stepped up to Justin.

“Where is he?” Tony asked Justin.

“What?”

“Where’s Vanko?”

“Who?”

“Tell me.”

“What are you doing here, man?”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa.” Rhodey spoke.

“What? What is it?” You ask looking up at Rhodey. Suddenly the gun on his shoulder is pointed at Tony along with the civilians. Your mind races knowing Pepper and Natasha are there too.

“Is that you!?” Tony asks in a panic.

“No, I’m not doing that. That’s not me. I can’t move. I’m locked up. I’m locked up.” Rhodes was panicing as the robots behind you also started to move.

“Dad. I’ve got this.” You called out moving just behind Rhodey. “Help Rhodey.” Almost all the tattoos came off your skin, acting as a barrier to stop the the robots from hurting anyone as they started to fire. Though you felt the hits through the markings you stood tall. As your dad and Rhodey took off into the sky so did the robots. Leaving you there.

“Fuck not being able to fly.” You grumbled, but your tattoos moved instinctively to protect the civilians from the falling glass. You coughed up blood from all the gunshots and glass. Trying to look over the crowd for your mother and Natasha. Finally finding them and moving yourself to them.

Your tattoos came back into you. Your skin feeling like it was on fire as you came up behind Natasha. She grabbed onto when you fell against her.

“You did a good job cupcake take a break. Daddy’s gotta take care of something.” You looked up at her in confusion before she arm barred Justin into the table. “You tell me who’s behind this. Who’s behind this?” Natasha practically growled and you’d be lying if you said it didn’t turn you on.

“Ivan. Ivan Vanko.” Justin groaned.

“Where is he?” She asked, tightening her hold.

“He’s at my facility.” As soon as she had the information she let go. Walking away from Pepper and you followed close behind.

“Don’t follow cupcake.” Her voice was stern, but you weren’t about to listen.

“I’m coming with you. I took this guy on once before. I’m coming with you and I’m helping.” Natasha stopped turning on her heels. She looked down at you. Her face was harsh and took your breath away, but you didn’t back down.

“I can’t loose you.” Natasha’s voice was flat.

“And I can’t loose you. So either we go together or I hold you here with me.” She raised an eyebrow in a challenge before turning once more and continuing on.

The two of you made your way outside, Happy caught your eye in the crowd of people trying to escape. “Nobody’s answering the phone. What’s going on?” He asked quickly.

“Get in the car. You’re taking us to Hammer industries.” Natasha called out and Happy looked to you for confirmation. You gave him a nod as Natasha got in the back seat, you climbing in passenger.

Happy drove frantically after you had gotten out of the crowd. Luckily because of the Expo and the time of night the streets were rather clear.

“When we arrive, I need you to watch the perimeter, Happy.” You looked back at Natasha, watching as she took her hair down. “I’m gonna enter the facility and take down the target.” Natasha started undressing and you looked away, a blush covering your cheeks as you noticed Happy looking. He started swerving and your tattoos moved up blocking the view as your girlfriend changed. You exchanged a look with Happy before his eyes returned to the road.

“Go ahead Nat. You’re good.” You called out to which you got a ‘Thanks cupcake.’ in return as another look with Happy is exchanged. “I’ll explain when half of New York isn’t in danger, okay?”

When we pull up to the building Nat has changed herself into that skin tight one piece she had on when you found out her true identity. If half of New York weren’t in danger you’d probably take her-

“Stay in the car Happy.” Nat called out as the two of you got out.

“I’m not staying in the car.” Happy called back.

“I said stay in the car.”

“What are you wearing?” Happy asked.

“Don’t ask. Just stay here Happy. Nat and I got this.” The two of us slipped inside. Working out a small plan before actually starting to attack anyone the two of you happened to come across. As you watched her in action for the first time you were simply amazed by her movements, her agility, just everything about her and you were lucky enough to call her yours?

Just as you were getting lost in thought one of Vanko’s guards came up, but the black tendrils of your tattoos came out. Wrapping around the guards throat just until he passed out from lack of oxygen. The two of you taking down guard after guard as you make your way to Vanko. Natasha pulled out two pistols as she kicked the door in, but Vanko was gone. Just two more of the guards hanging from the ceiling.

“He’s gone.” Natasha stated.

“Fuck.” You cursed, your hands balling into fists as the tattoos moved and itched. Natasha pushed further into the room. Getting up to the computer and started typing as you came up just behind her and to the side. Watching what she was doing. “Are you hacking back into Rhodey’s suit?” You asked getting a short ‘mhmm’ in response. Your eyebrows knitted together. “I didn’t know you could hack.” She threw you a look over her shoulder, a smirk playing on her lips.

“There’s a lot you still need to learn about me cupcake.” It was the way she worded it that made you smile.

“Tony.” Natasha looked at the screen where you could see your father’s face. “Got your best friend back.”

“Thank you very much Agent Romanoff.” Tony saying a meaningful thank you was something you hadn’t heard in a while.

“Well done with the new chest piece.” Natasha commented. “I am reading significantly higher output and your vitals all look promising.”

“Yes, for the moment, I’m not dying. Thank you.” Tony spoke through the comms and you smiled, wrapping and arm around Natasha.

“I’m happy to hear another parent won’t be dying on me.” You joked, but Natasha looked at you and narrowed her eyes.

“Dying? What do you mean? Did you just say you were dying?” Pepper’s face popped up on another monitor, butting into the conversation.

“Is that you? No, I’m not. Not anymore.” Tony replied. You and Natasha exchanged looks and decided not to get involved for the moment.

“What’s going on?”

“I was going to tell you. I didn’t want to alarm you.”

“You were going to tell me? You really were dying.” As the bickering went back and forth a few moments longer before Natasha interrupted finally.

“Hey, hey. Save it for the honeymoon. You got incoming Tony. Looks like the fights coming to you.”

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You sat nervously in an abandoned warehouse Fury had set up in. He had asked for you first; alone. Which made you nervous, your leg wouldn’t stop and all the tattoos moved around, twitching incessantly at your anxiety. You looked at the monitors Fury had set up and the news once again talking about ‘Shadow Queen and Iron Man.’ A hard dry swallow came along with it at the moment.

A few manilla folders sat on the desk in front of you with the S.H.I.E.L.D logo and all caps just underneath it, AVENGERS INITIATIVE followed by an empty space and then PRELIMINARY REPORT. Suddenly Fury’s hand is in front of you pushing the folder back onto the table, making your tattoos come off your body and stopping just before you hit him.

“Fuck! You scared me Fury.”

“Sorry little Stark. Just don’t need you lookin at that just yet.” You slowly nodded at him, licking your dry lips. “I don’t know if you’re ready for it just yet.” Your brows knitted together.

“Why don’t you tell me first, then we can figure it out together.” You offered and he laughed.

“You trying to negotiate with me little Stark?” A smile cracking on his face.

“I always negotiate. You know who my parents are don’t you?” You raise an eyebrow, but you aren’t expecting the answer you receive.

“Y/D/N Y/L/N died at at 32 in a car accident caused by your powers awakening. Y/M/N Y/L/N died at at 29 in the same car accident. The three of you were on your way into the city to go see a play on Broadway. You weren’t too interested in going and as you started to throw a tantrum over staying back at home with your nanny a sudden burst of energy came out of you, manifesting in what you now call your tattoos. After they came out of you, you accidently tore through,”

“STOP!” Your tattoos shifted uncomfortably at the memory you hadn’t thought about it in a few years. You had buried it away, pretended it never happened.

“You tore through both your parents ending their lives in an instant.” Fury finished and you felt bile rise up that you swallowed back down. “Then the injuries you sustained which were minimal due to your tattoos protecting you you had been left to your father’s best friend and originally your Godfather, Tony Stark.”

“Please...stop. I don’t need my life rehashed.” You pleaded.

“Look at this. Agent Romanoff’s assesment of you.”

“Is...is that really?”

“Read. It.” You sighed and took the folder opening it. Skimming through,

“Okay Y/N Stark takes much after her adoptive father in many aspects, but had many caring tendencies to look after and take care of others even at the young age she is. She is kind, caring, and loving to those around her even when she’s just met you.” You carry on reading until you see it. Y/N Stark a.k.a Shadow Queen has a lot of heart and could be a liability to herself and others due to her caring nature.” You read the last line again. “No. No that isn’t fair. She’s saying that becasuse she doesn’t want me out there! She’s saying this because she cares about me. She told me she can’t loose me and this is her way of trying to stop me!” You slammed your hands down and stood up.

“I know. She told me her reasoning. Told me it was the one time she couldn’t put her feelings to the side. I’ve known Romanoff for many years now and never has she had trouble putting her feelings to the side. So I am giving the yes.” You looked up at Fury.

“You are?” You asked a little shocked.

“Yes. I am. Do not make me regret it little Stark. You’ve trained for a long time and now it’s time for you to stand in the spotlight. Little girls are already looking up to you.” Fury patted your back letting you know you could leave. You had to go talk with Nat about this.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“So he still let you join?” The two of you were laying down, she was on her back and you snuggled into her side. For once you two were both in comfortable clothes. Her hair down and slightly messy with a tank top and sweats. While you were in leggings and an old iron maiden t-shirt. Her fingers running through your hair.

“Yes. I’m still not happy you tried to stop me.” You grumbled against her.

“I know and I still stand there on it.” You roll your eyes and bite at her shoulder making her moan out. “Hey. Behave.” She reprimands and pushes her fingers against your lips. You willingly take those instead. “I don’t want you risking it out there for the wrong people or reasons.” You nodded in understanding. “I can’t lose you.” Her voice was soft and her eyes bore into you. You let her fingers go, cupping her cheek before leaning up and kissing her. It was a soft kis where you two moved your lips against each other slowly and just enjoyed the moment before you pulled away.

“You won’t lose me. I promise.” You placed your foreheads together as she accepted the answer for now though you knew she’d still always worry. You’d never let her know just how worried she made you. She’s a black widow, but she was still a human with no enhancement unlike you. Your tattoos were instinctive to protect you and those you care about. “I’m not going anywhere Tasha.” You reassured her with another kiss as the two of you melted into each other, finally getting to just enjoy each other after the past month of activities that had occurred and you were hopeful for more time like this with her for at least a little while before Fury called up one of you. You could only hope though.

#ley writes #ley speaks #ley masterlist #natalie rushman #natasha romanoff x reader #natasha romanoff smut #natasha romanov #natasha romanoff #natasha x reader #natasha romanoff fluff #natasha romanoff x you #black widow #black widow x reader #black widow x female reader #black widow x you #natasha romanoff x female

[authorhjk1]

https://www.reddit.com/r/kpopfap/comments/1agagbq/iu/

IU being an expensive hooker

Expensive Night

(IU X Male Reader)

"Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!"

You shout as you walk through your living room. Your parent's living room to be exact.

It felt like an awesome idea half an hour ago. And it felt like a dream twenty minutes ago. But now it feels like you are committing a great sin.

Your parents are out for a dinner date. It's their anniversary today. The 25th. You helped your dad with the surprise for a week now. He wanted to take your mother out to the place they first met. Their school, which you are going to currently. He got the key for the roof from the janitor yesterday and will surprise your mom with a romantic picnic, overlooking almost half of the city.

Your father didn't tell you what he planned for afterwards, but he let you know that they are gonna stay out late.

Which now means that you are home alone at 9 pm on a Thursday night. Not necessarily unusual. You finished your homework, starting to prepare for your finals. School today was like any other day.

Except for one thing. One of the guys bragged about having sex with the hottest girl in school. You still highly doubt that he told the truth. But you can't help being envious. You never had sex before, despite being eighteen for a while now.

Your parents always told you, that it's not about the act itself, but about the person you are with. You always agreed to some degree, but you still feel like you are missing out. And there is no guarantee you are ever gonna find that woman. Right?

Which now leads us to your actions from thirty minutes ago. You never considered doing it. You were never really into porn and you definitely never even had the urge to pay to watch something like that. But for some reason, that spam mail you got, lured you in.

Because of the woman's picture. You usually delete these kind of mails as soon as you see them, not wanting to catch a virus. But when you saw her picture, you couldn't resist.

Not only because she looks like a goddess. Like the most beautiful woman you've probably ever seen. But because she is Julie's mother.

Who's Julie? The hottest girl at school. The girl your classmate allegedly slept with.

You were surprised to see her in that email. You were even more surprised, when you found out that this wasn't a normal dating site. It was an ad for an app. An app where you can hire a prostitute. To pay a woman to have sex with you.

Never in your life did you think about doing this. It didn't even cross your mind once. But here you are. Thirty minutes later, staring at your phone.

"See you in forty minutes, baby 😘"

You check the time. She is gonna be here in like 8 minutes.

Suddenly, you become incredibly nervous. Since you asked her to come over, you were worried about your parents finding out. But now, you realize that this is actually happening. What are you supposed to do? You already took a shower. Maybe prepare flowers? But that's stupid, you aren't trying to date her.

You get back to your room, starting to clean it properly. She might already know who you are. The two of you didn't interact with each other for the last two years. You only caught a glimpse of her occasionally at events and stuff. But she is still Julie's mother. And older than you. You don't want her to think you are some inexperienced child.

When the doorbell rings, you feel the butterflies in your stomach going crazy. This is really gonna happen.

You slowly walk over to the front door. Taking a deep breath, you finally open it.

You are stunned by the older woman, who is standing in front of you. She might be your mom's age, but she looks better than any of the girls at school. Probably even better than her own daughter.

"Hello, handsome."

Jieun gives you a heartwarming smile. Her white dress looks incredible on her. You can't help but glance at her shoulders and then her thighs shortly after. The excitement of feeling her skin on yours makes your body heat up. You can feel your erection starting to grow.

"Do you want me to come in? You can keep staring once I'm inside."

Her melodic laugh makes your cheeks flush. You wanted to look like you've done this before, damn it.

"S-Sure."

You close the door behind her, after she walked past you. The scent of lilac lingers in your nose.

"Have a seat please."

You are not really sure how to proceed. Do you offer her something to drink? Do you discuss her pay? You are still surprised she doesn't seem to recognize you. It's probably for the better anyway. You already feel bad for paying your classmate's mother for having sex with you.

You are slightly curious to why Ms. Lee is doing this, but your thoughts get distracted by her sitting down.

Her long, creamy legs almost make you reach out to touch her. The smile playing on her lips makes you want to kiss her.

"Do you want to discuss everything for a minute, before we start?"

Jieun shakes her head, a mischievous smile on her lips.

"Sure. Would you like something to drink?"

"I'm sure I'm going to drink something very delicious later."

Once you realize what she means, you have to sit down, not wanting to expose how hard she is making you.

"You are still pretty young though. Do you have enough money?"

You take the bundle of bills out of your pocket. It's everything you got for your last birthday, plus some of your earlier savings. A lot, but definitely worth it.

You feel a little awkward throughout this transaction, but Jieun seems to really be a professional.

Once you are done, Jieun takes your hand.

"I guess your bedroom is this way?"

She smiles at you, looking back over her shoulder. You nod, still mesmerized by her beauty.

Once you enter your room, Jieun makes you sit down on the edge of the bed. You hear your breath hitch, when she suddenly straddles your lap. Your hands instinctively move to her thighs, you feel her weight on your crotch.

Without another word, Jieun captures your lips with hers. You can't believe this is actually happening. The two of you share a hot kiss as you feel her slowly grinding against you. By the way she let's a moan escape into your mouth, you know that she can feel your hard cock.

"You're such a good kisser."

She only stops for a moment to tell you that, before she gets back to kissing you again.

You wonder if she is actually telling the truth or not. But you can't ask her as she starts to make the kiss more messy. Her fingers run through your hair, occasionally tugging at it lightly. Her tongue pushes past your lips, now dueling with your own for dominance.

You feel like the kiss lasts for hours. But eventually, the two of you need to break away for air.

"Do you want to watch me strip, or do you want to take the dress off yourself?"

"W-Watch."

You almost stumble over that one simple word.

With a grin, Jieun slowly gets off your lap. Instinctively, you cover your crotch with your hand, ashamed at how hard you are.

You expect her to just take it off. Instead, Jieun turns around. She puts her hair over her right shoulder, exposing her neck.

You gulp as she sits back down on your lap.

"Would you mind?"

Your eyes linger on the zipper of her dress. This is really happening. Your fingers shake slightly as you start to open Jieun's dress from behind. Slowly, you reveal more and more of her flawless skin.

You now stare at her completely exposed back. Unable to hold yourself back, you want to have another taste of Jieun's body.

Your lips meet her skin as you kiss her shoulder. You slowly move towards her neck, peppering her with small kisses.

"Good boy."

A sigh escapes Jieun's mouth. You like how she said it. With love and appreciation. As if you are the man she loves.

It turns you on more and you slowly kiss down her back. You take the same path her spine tikes, enjoying the sight of Jieun getting goosebumps at your touch.

Once you are unable to bend down further, Jieun gets off your lap. You can't tear your eyes off her as she twirls around, before giving you a seductive look. Slowly, she starts to let her dress glide down her frame.

"What do you think, honey?"

Her chest is exposed first. Her mounds seem to probably fit perfectly into your hands. Her pink nipples taunt you, trying to make you jump into action. Jieun's toned midriff deserves just as much admiration. You unconsciously bite your lip, when her dress slips past her hips, exposing her white panties. The lace patterns are firmly wrapped around her thighs. You can only catch a glimpse of her lower lips.

With a smile, Jieun hooks a thumb underneath the waistband, slightly pulling it down. Before you can see more of her, she puts it back in place, visibly enjoying teasing you.

"Not so fast. You have to show me what you have first."

You watch as Jieun steps between your legs, before she kneels down. This still feels like a dream to you. But here you are, you classmate's mother unbuckling your belt.

"I like the sight of that."

Jieun grins up at you after pulling down your pants. You have to stop yourself from bucking your hips towards her as she gives your cock, which is still restrained by your underwear, a kiss.

Another one follows quickly after.

"Thank you for this big gift."

Jieun chuckles as she lifts her head to kiss your lips. You can't tell if she is genuine or not. But her fingertips dancing along your length, make you forget what she just said.

With an alluring sparkle in her eyes, Jieun looks up at you as she pulls down your underwear.

"Fuck. You are huge."

You watch her bite her lip as she stares at your now exposed member. Of course you measured it before. This time you know that she isn't exaggerating. At least not a lot.

"Let me have a taste."

Jieun leans down to kiss your cock. She licks her lips afterwards, before she runs her tongue along the length of your shaft.

"Relax, baby."

Jieun giggles, covering your right hand with her left. Only now do you realize that you've taken a hold of your sheets. Your knuckles starting to turn white.

"Is this your first time?"

You nod slowly, embarrassed that it's so obvious.

"Don't be shy. It's an honor, you know."

Jieun slowly strokes your cock up and down as she talks.

"Why don't you lie down and let me take care of you?"

"S-Sure."

You position yourself in the middle of your bed with your back slightly sinking into your mattress. Jieun is lying on her stomach, between your spread legs.

"I can't believe this is your first time. With a cock like this..."

She kisses your base and slowly starts to move towards your tip, peppering your cock with kisses. Once her lips wrap around your tip, she sinks her head down. You let out an embarrassed moan as Jieun uses her tongue to play with the head of your cock.

The older woman knows exactly what she is doing. You seem to sink further into the mattress as Jieun keeps worshipping your cock. Her lips glide along your shaft. Her tongue swirls around your tip, whenever she moves upwards.

"Such a nice cock."

She murmurs to herself occasionally between sucks and licks.

"It tastes so good."

Eventually, your cock is covered with her saliva.

"Do you want me to deep throat you? Check if it fits or not?"

You nod in excitement while Jieun is still talking.

"If it doesn't, I'm not sure if you would fit in my pussy. If you destroy me, you have to pay extra."

She gives you a wink, before she laughs.

You give Jieun an awkward smile, hoping that really is a joke.

When she starts to take you into her mouth again, you hold your breath. Her lips glide along your shaft. She goes further down than before. You feel Jieun starting to slow down a little. Eventually, you hit something inside of her.

It makes Jieun gag. She slowly backs up, until her mouth is empty again. She gives you another look, before she dives in once more. Soon, you have her choking again. This time, she went down even further. Instinctively you put a hand on her head, slightly bucking your hips upwards.

You can't believe how good this feels. Your cock feels warm and safe in Jieun's mouth. Your tip probably already down her throat as she tries to open her jaw even wider.

You catch yourself pressing Jieun's head into your crotch. Eventually, she taps on your thighs, struggling for air. Regretfully letting go of her, you watch your in spit covered cock fall out of her mouth.

"Wow. You are really something."

Before you can reply, Jieun is deepthroating you once more. Apart from the occasional choking, everything is quiet. You look down, watching how small rivers of her saliva run down to the base of your cock.

Your breathing becomes heavier as you try to calm yourself. This isn't the right time. You need to hold out longer. Your fingers bury themselves in your sheets once more.

"I-I want to fuck you now."

You are embarrassed, when these words spill out of your mouth. But you need a moment to calm down. You don't want this to end too soon.

A devilish smirk plays around Jieun's lips as she moves them along the length of your shaft. Until she finally releases your cock out of her mouth, you are afraid that you would cum too soon.

"I see you are getting more comfortable?"

"Well-"

Jieun's warm smile makes you stutter. You can't believe you are seeing the same smile with which she congratulated you on your 12th birthday. It just feels unreal.

"How would you like to take me?"

You haven't thought about that yet. Now that you got a much needed break, you try to come up with something.

Jieun must've seen you struggling to find something. She leans over your body to give you a deep kiss, before she moves her legs on both sides of your hips.

"Would you like me to ride you?"

You hesitantly nod. Now that you are about to lose your virginity, you don't care about how. You just want this to happen.

Your heart races when Jieun slowly pulls down her lace panties. This is the first time you actually see a woman naked in real life. Her shaven pussy greets you, once the white fabric reaches her knees. It looks too good to be true. You unconsciously lick your lips, imagining your head between her thighs. You bet she would taste delicious.

"What do you think?"

Jieun pulls back her folds a little, showing off more of her pink insides.

"I-It looks amazing."

"I hear that a lot."

Her laugh makes you smile.

Jieun puts her left hand on your chest, her smile suddenly turning into something different. She almost looks needy now.

"It's time to put your cock where it belongs."

Her right hand holds your cock once more, slowly stroking it a couple of times, before she guides it towards her warm core. This is it.

You watch with wide eyes. Your tip brushes her wet folds. Jieun moves it along her slit a couple of times, before she starts to part her lips with your cock.

Her wetness and warmth welcome you as your tip finally slips inside. Jieun slowly lowers herself onto you. Her pussy seems to swallow your cock, almost like her mouth did earlier. Its walls hug you, slightly squeezing your dick.

"Good boy."

Jieun mumbles, her eyes closed, as she sinks herself onto you.

You feel her pussy gliding along your shaft, until Jieun finally stops. You are almost fully inside of her by now. But you can see that she is struggling to take all of you inside.

Your hands automatically move to her waist, not sure what else to hold onto.

"You really are big."

Jieun sighs, before she starts to circle her hips. A moan almost escapes your mouth. This feels too good to be true. Why don't people have sex all the time? How are they able to do anything else?

You start to lose all train of thought, when Jieun stops the circling of her hips. She now lifts herself off you, both of her hands pressing against your chest. Her lips have a tight grip on you as they move along your length.

"Damn, you are making me so wet."

Jieun moans when she reaches your tip.

"I just want to impale myself on your cock until I cum."

Her confession makes you groan. You never thought you would hear someone say that to you. Ever.

Staying true to her words, Jieun suddenly slams herself down onto your lap. Bot of your eyes roll back at the pleasure. You feel your thighs slightly sticking together, due to Jieun's juices.

Before you can completely recover from this new feeling, Jieun has already moved upwards again and is now impaling herself onto your cock once more.

She hits you hard and deep everytime. The couple of seconds she needs to recover, whenever you bottom out inside of her, feel like ages.

"Jieun."

You moan her name, when she lets her pussy glide along your shaft once more.

Eventually, the two of you get used to each other. Jieun trades in the hard and deep thrusts for pace. She starts to really ride you now. The sound of her hips meeting yours echo through your room.

"Such a nice cock."

She breathlessly moans, her eyes shut as she enjoys the feeling of being completely filled.

Jieun keeps riding you, making you struggle to keep quiet. You try to distract yourself from the inevitable. Your hands start to explore Jieun's body. They first roam her midriff, enjoying her toned stomach, before they move further upwards.

You feel Jieun slowing down a little to make it easier for you to cup her tits. She tilts her head back when you grope her breasts.

"Yes, baby. Good boy."

You feel her pussy hugging you a little tighter now. You realize that you can't hold off your orgasm for much longer. It has been coming for a while now. Your exploring of her body made you forget about it for a moment. But the squeezing of her walls bring you back to reality.

Your hands keep cupping her tits as Jieun picks up the pace again. Soon, you are not the only one, who is hanging on by a threat.

The older woman feels your cock parting her walls, everytime she slams herself down on you. It almost seems like you hit deeper spots with every hit. Her nails slowly start to scratch the skin on your chest. That little bit of pain makes you squeeze Jieun's tits a little harder.

This finally drives the older woman over the edge. You didn't expect her to cum because of you. But here you are. Her pussy is pulsating around your cock, trying to to make you cum as well. Her lewd moan sounds like the voice of an angel as she voices her pleasure.

Jieun's tight grip on your cock brings you closer to your orgasm as well. You are able to hold out Jieun's, until she slowly starts to ride you again.

"Oh fuck. I needed that."

She sighs, enjoying your cock deep inside her pussy.

"I've been really stressed lately."

Jieun leans down to give you another kiss. You realize you are starting to get addicted to her lips. It's the same way with her pussy. If you stay inside of her for much longer, you doubt you will be able to live without it from now on.

"Tell me when you're there."

Jieun seems to be able to tell that you are close. It's embarrassing that you are cuming so soon. You wished you could try out more positions with her. Maybe even get a taste of her pussy. It looked more delicious than anything you've ever seen.

Jieun keeps riding you. Her snatch keeps your cock warm and wet. Her juices make it easy for her lips to glide along your shaft.

Your arms are slowly getting tired and you regretfully let go of her tits. Instead, your hands retake their place on Jieun's hip.

"Oh baby. Your cock feels so good. I really need your cum now."

Jieun's moaned words make you twitch inside of her. You are able to hold on a little longer. One more bounce. Two. Three.

You start counting, trying to distract yourself.

Ten. Twelve. Thirteen.

"Jieun."

Her name slips out of your mouth, accompanied by a deep groan. You never expected to say her name like this.

"Cum for me, baby. Put it in me."

You are unable to think straight. This is the hardest orgasm you've ever had. Everything starts to become blurry as you approach the end of the cliff.

"Creampie me. Give me that load."

Jieun's moans finally push you over. You feel her stop moving as you start to shoot rope after rope inside of her. You pump her pussy full with your cum.

You see stars as Jieun's pussy contracts around you, trying to squeeze every last drop out of your cock.

"Oh fuck yes. That's a good boy."

You eventually calm down, unable to comprehend what happened in the last thirty minutes. Did you actually do it? You had your first time with your classmate's mother? And came inside of her?

You are still unable to move, blankly staring up at the ceiling.

Jieun puts more weight onto your chest, leaning over you.

"You did great, baby."

She gives you another kiss.

"Where is the shower?"

"S-Second door on the right."

Jieun chuckles before kissing your cheek. She gets off of you and then off the bed. You realize she slipped her panties back on in the process. A dark spot is starting to ruin the white lace.

Taking this opportunity, you move your head, watching Jieun reach the door. Your eyes on her ass cheeks, taking in a sight, which you will probably never see again.

To your surprise, she suddenly turns around. Jieun giggles when she catches you staring.

"Aren't you coming?"

"W-What?"

"I thought you would enjoy taking me against a hard surface."

She winks at you, before leaving the room.

If you could, you would immediately jump off the bed. But your body is telling you take a moment.

Your eyes wander through your room, until they get caught on the yearbook, which is standing in your bookshelf. If Jieun would've seen it, would she have done the same? Or would she have called this off?

You genuinely can't tell.

When you hear a moan from the bathroom, you immediately jump out of your bed. The tiredness is all gone now. You realize that every second with her is priceless.

#ask #kpop #anon #kpop smut #kpop girls #kpop gg #male reader #lee jieun #iu soloist #iu smut

[moon7jay]

i keep thinking abt noncon w sunghoon like just imagine….

THIS. like idk but something about being helpless under sunghoon would fix me😩. Sorry it took so long anon but here u go!

Forced to take him (p.sh)

🫴Read part 2 here

Warnings : MINORS DNI, non-con, squirting, creampie, cheating, I guess that's it? , mentions of the word "RAPE"

It's non consensual so please if u are not comfy with it, DO NOT READ.

Your sister's boyfriend was weird to say the least. The first time your sister brought him to your shared apartment was last month and ever since then he has made it his second home. See you wouldn't mind this home invasion if only he didn't glare at you with the most intensity u have ever seen someone direct towards u everytime u were in his vicinity. Dead dark eyes following your every move as u pranced around the house.

Your sister's boyfriend was definitely weird, but you had never sensed any sort of danger from him, despite the hostile stares now and then, you never thought he could cause any real harm to u. Not until..

The first time it happened, you were in the kitchen. feeling a presence looming behind your back as u made coffee "lana why r u hovering" u spoke thinking it was your sister but a response never came. In mild curiosity u turned around and your breath hitched when your eyes met his dark dead ones. He was too close, way too close for it to be appropriate.

"W-what do u want? " U asked his tall figure hovering over you, looking anywhere but his eyes, they made u so nervous, like a prey.

He moved more closer to u, this made u look into his eyes, to assess his intentions but the dark glare that he was giving u made u tense up and press your back to the kitchen counter.

You were not expecting his big hands to wrap around your mid section, a gasp escaping your lips when he squeezed your mid section as if spanning your waist and stomach

"So small" he whispered as if in a trance. Your eyes widened but u were frozen, unable to move or speak, something told u that if u upset him, u could end up bloody on the ground. Tears gathered at your waterline, threatening to fall from your eyes as he kept squeezing more and more.

"I'll have a field day forcing myself inside u" he whispered , his eyes not leaving what he was doing with his hands

The tears finally fell at his words and your mouth gaped like a fish, wanting to say something, scream, anything, wild eyes looked up at your face and all breath left your lungs when he smiled at u in an almost maniacal way

"So pretty when u cry aren't u, it drives me crazy, You drive me crazy" he said moving in to lick your tears, making u shudder and close ur eyes, trying to move your face away from him but a large hand came up to hold the back of your neck to keep u in place and u squeaked when his other hand started groping your ass.

You were full on sobbing now as he moved his tongue to your neck and collar bones, your hands holding on to the edges of the kitchen counter in a deathly grip. His teeth punctured your delicate skin making a pained cry leave your lips and that seemed to catch his attention as he stopped doing what he was doing and stepped back all of a sudden. He stared carefully at your heaving form before walking out of the kitchen like it was a normal Tuesday.

As soon as he was out of sight, your knees buckled and you fell on the kitchen floor, sobbing and trying to catch your breath.

Your sister's boyfriend was weird. And you should have told your sister about it, you should have confronted him, you should have taken his words more seriously, you should have sensed the impending danger, you should have... But you didn't.

The next time it happened, u had just gotten home from classes, hearing weird noises in the living room, your feet moved towards it.

Nothing could have prepared u for the sight in front of you. Your sister was spread open on the couch as her boyfriend fucked into her, her legs over his shoulders. A gasp escaped your lips which made sunghoon and your sister look at you. Your sister started pushing sunghoon out of her to apologize to u but sunghoon's thrusts only got harder as his eyes met yours, your sister struggling underneath him, telling him to stop, but all u could hear was static as his expression morphed into one of pleasure as he held eye contact with you, smiling lewdly at you as he came inside your sister. You turned on your heel and ran up to your room, locking it and leaning against the door to catch your breath.

What the fuck was that.

Outside, you could hear your sister yelling at him but the next second you could hear her moans of pleasure again.

Your sister's boyfriend was so weird.

The sound of your door closing woke u up. Sitting abruptly to look around your darkened room.

"lana is that you? " you asked as u turned to ur bedside to turn the lamp on.

Your eyes met his dark ones and your palms started sweating. Sunghoon stood at the edge of your bed, scanning your skimpily dressed body like a predator. Before you could say anything, he started to unbutton his shirt

"What-what the fuck do u think you're doing? " your voice shook as you asked him

"fucking you" Is what the reply came.

"You c- can't" tears started to gather in your eyes again, why were you so scared of him??

"I'll scream, lana will find out, she'll kick you out" You tried threatening him confidently as he unbuckled his belt, his naked chest on display, you averted your eyes.

"she's passed out baby, some sleeping pills is all it takes" he whispered climbing up on the bed.

Your head could not register his words. He drugged your sister.

He drugged your sister to rape you.

You screamed as he grabbed your legs to bring you closer to him as he hovered over your body. His hands trapping you under him as you thrashed and hit him to let go. You did not see the slap coming, but your throbbing lip was enough to make u stare at him with wide eyes, ceasing all your movements.

"I can bleed you to death u know" He whispered scarily calm. His hand moving behind his jeans to pull out a shiny blade. Tears started falling from your eyes as you whimpered in fear of your life. Something in his crazed eyes told u that he had done this before. This wasn't his first time. Not his first time Raping someone. Not his first time Killing someone.

"Please... " u whispered, your lips trembling and bleeding from his strike.

He pressed the cold blade to your throat

"What's it gonna be baby? Want me to slit your throat so I can fuck you to death? or will u let me fuck your warm body while you're still alive? " He asked, his eyes sparkling with excitement at the prospect

"Tell me. Dead or alive? "

"A-alive" u croaked, your body starting to shut down from the terror, the blade pressed to your throat making you numb to everything else.

He smiled and tsked in a disappointed way

"Damn u didn't fight much, was looking forward to some blood bath as we fuck" He chuckled and kept the blade back inside the back pocket of his jeans.

Hands started to grope your body, your night gown torn apart within seconds. You layed back and stared at the ceiling, having given up in trying to stop what was about to happen.

You were a virgin, you had been saving yourself for the love of your life. Park Jay. The smartest and kindest boy in your class. You had recently started flirting with him, letting him know you were intrested. You had thought countless times of this moment. But not like this.

Curious and rough hands squeezed your breasts making your breath get heavy, this was painful. His breathing was laboured too but for entirely different reasons than yours.

He leaned over you to press his chest to your tits. "Press them up against me cmon, need to feel them " He whispered in anticipation, you arched your back to do what he said, your nipples rubbing against his own, a hiss of pleasure leaving his teeth "good girl, such a good fuck toy for me"

His hands spread your legs apart and he quickly undid his jeans, just enough to fish out his hard cock. You prepared yourself for penetration, clutching onto your sheets as you watched him jerk himself off.

His teeth biting his lower lip as he stared lewdly at your spread and naked body

"Such a pretty fuck hole" He whispered before hastily slotting himself between your legs, hands grabbing your midsection like he did that day and the next thing you feel is an excruciating pain. A pain so intense as he forces his way inside of you. Your walls are dry but he doesn't even care, curses and whines falling from his lips and he bottoms out in you, tearing your hymen. You start to sob uncontrollably "s-stop please" U croak between sobs but it only causes him to grind more into u

"Beg more for me baby, beg me to stop" He grunts with a hard thrust inside you.

He rests his forehead against yours,hands resting beside your head, tongue darting out to lick your tears once again

"Gonna tear ur pussy so good"

"Like fucking virgins so much" He whispered and pulled all the way out to thrust back in, hitting your cervix in a painful way. A pained scream ripped out of you and he smiled in sick satisfaction. Soon his expression morphed into one of wild desire and pleasure as he kept thrusting inside of you, your body started secreting fluids which made his experience all the more pleasurable and he gritted his teeth at your tight walls

"you like being raped like this don't you? Keep fucking my dick just like that"

"Fuck it baby oh yeah, god so tight"

"It's fun isn't it? Feels so good doesn't it? Pleasure me come on, make me relieve my lust"

His words sound static to your ears as you come on his cock, your body betraying u once again, sobbing continuously, you keep taking his assault.

He groans like an animal when u dig your nails in his back, begging him to stop

"Yeah baby? Want me to stop? " His thrusts getting wilder, pounding your cervix

"ask me to stop, scream for me to stop baby, makes me so hard when u beg "

His dick keeps dragging against your walls in the mix of both pain and pleasure, his hands groping your body as he unleashes his inner animal to fuck into u however he wants, he's on his third orgasm but his dick is still hard in you

"You're gonna make me cum , I'm not the only one enjoying this rape yeah baby? Fuck yeah, squeezing around me so good"

You scream hard at a particular thrust and he laughs while panting

"Oh yeah? "

"Just like that? "

"fuck fuck fuck" he gasps as he comes inside your wet heat again. Fucking his come back inside of your leaking hole, overstimulating your body, your lower region feeling numb, your mind slipping in and out of consciousness.

You felt him pulling out, hissing as he observed your leaking and abused hole

"Fuck yeah" He breathed, turning your body around and mounting you again, thrusting deep inside of you, your face squished against your pillows as he breeds you from behind.

It's animalistic, the way he fucks you.

"Wanna keep it in u forever,can't stop, I can't stop"

"Pussy So good oh fuck"

He groaned, digging his teeth at the back of your neck, you were sure u were bleeding.

Your consciousness left u somewhere in the middle of his animalistic panting and grunts.

When u came to, u found yourself in a mating press, his face right above yours as he fucked u folded in half

"Ah u're awake sunshine, raping u so good yeah? "

He breathes and licks your lower lip. His hips moving relentlessly, grinding into u at a slow pace now

"Open " He panted and as if on autopilot, all strength leaving your body, u open your mouth

He spits in it "swallow" He says and u do. He curses and bites your lower lip as his thrusts become erratic

"Mhmnn fuck yeah, one more oh yeah"

He grunts as he fucks his cum into you. Making u squirt all over him.

His mouth lapping on your pussy is all u feel before u drift into unconsciousness.

Your sister's boyfriend is so weird.

#enhypen hard thoughts #enhypen smut #enhypen hard headcanons #enhypen #sunghoon smut #park sunghoon #enha x reader #enha

[romanoffsbish]

The One That (Almost) Got Away

Natasha Romanoff (Intersex) x ChubbyMilf!R

GN!OC (Ryan) x Fem!R (Freshly divorced)

Natasha’s not the step-dad, she’s merely the dad that stepped up | WC: 9,218

Warnings: Ryan is dickhead coded | R Ghosted Nat so she is too | Confusing Feelings | Insecurities all Around (Body / Worth) | Everyone’s Horny | Happiest of Endings Though 🥰

Smut: Natasha has a penis | Oral - Both | Multiple Positions (Wall / Doggy / Guided Dick-Riding) | Praising / Degrading | Dirty Talk | Face Slap (R) | Heavy on Breeding | KO (R) | Needy R -> Cockwarming | Switch Energy but R basically Bottoms

——

Natasha watched you intently, just like she always did, and just like every time before now she wasn't left disappointed. Well, besides that time when you married Ryan, you looked gorgeous stood up at that altar, but you were painfully mismatched. They were the first person you had ever dated, but you never truly loved them. You loved Natasha though, she knew that deep within her yearning soul, felt it deep in her bones, but alas you chose the stable familiarity over love.

Natasha told you every time you two had made love that she wanted the whole thing, but you were in a committed (open) relationship. You had a child with another, and you decided she (deserved better) wasn't ready for that sort of responsibility. So, for the both of your sakes you had stopped coming over a year ago, without a word of goodbye—like a coward.

It broke you just the same, but at least you had a distraction with your infant around. All Natasha had was the haunting memories of a genuine love and, dangerous missions, a nearly lethal combination. It was only last month that the redhead stopped being reckless, which coincidentally, is exactly when she had heard of your unexpected divorce proceedings.

Tony had very loudly, intent obvious, offered a sobbing you a spacious, well-equipped place to stay since Ryan decided to kick you out, of your house. He also got you a better divorce lawyer. When she pestered him for a why though he had refused, stating 'you'll know soon enough' in the most ominous, almost threatening, way.

The reactions to your tumultuous entanglement around the compound were mixed. Most thought you two were a great match, those who met Ryan felt this way, others felt Natasha could do better than the girl who left her hanging. Then there was Tony, who alone believed the both of you to be aloof little cowards.

Ergo his childish response. Yet here you were, at the compound she still lived in, and she still hadn't been informed... It was driving her crazy, but she kept her cool, or at least she tried to, but you made it hard.

So damn hard not to run over and yell at you, just to then kiss you breathless, then she figured she would yell at you some more; but with less clothes, and in a passionate reunification of two desperate souls.

But she stood stuck to her spot, wishing desperately that she had Wanda's handy ability to read minds...

You stood across the field in a moment of uneasy silence. Pepper had to leave in a hurry, Tony excused himself with a promise to return. So now, without distraction, you were left lost in tumultuous thought.

Ryan and you had called it quits just six months ago after you gave birth to your sweet little girl, Delilah. To the outside world they looked like a bad guy, but with one peak into the carseat hood that currently shielded your daughter from the sun, everyone would know.

Know that maybe everyone was a bit wrong here...

There was only one rule the both of you set, don't let anyone else create life with you, and with Natasha's enigmatic charm you broke it easily. Ryan was still somewhat involved with Carter, but they denounced you and Delilah instantaneously. You knew better to expect anything else, but you were too petrified of being alone with two littles to see it all clearly.

Fortunately though, Tony adored you and had set the three of you up in a cushy upscale home just outside of the bustling city. There was a park on the corner, it was your only safe haven as you waited for the divorce to finalize, it was where you processed your grief over the entire situation, and realized this was always the way life would work out. One day the redhead would be there with you, scooting down the wide, curvy red slide with Carter, and Delilah giggling in her lap.

It was an inevitability of the rawest proportions.

You couldn't stop loving Natasha if you tried, which you halfheartedly did, and she loved you without the intent to stop—fate finally felt the need to intervene.

You felt her burdened gaze the moment you entered the party, and you were burning under the weight of it. There was a blip of fear that she would never forgive you for keeping her daughter from her, but you also figured she'd understand. If you were going to work as a couple, it had to be without Ryan's interference, and they were hellbent on making sure you weren't happy even though they were with Rochelle, the supermodel.

If you so much as contacted Natasha they were ready to claim this was always your plan. Not that they'd have much of a leg to stand on, but you weren't risking them winning so much as partial custody, simply because it was just to spite you. Ryan never wanted to be hands on, it seemed they more so liked the title of being a parent and spouse, but never the actual role. If they had won you know your son would only suffer.

Disappointed was an understatement, but you didn't hold pity for yourself because everyone warned you of their immaturity from the jump. Natasha warned you everyday leading up to the wedding, she pleaded with a hurt that broke your heart wide open, yet you were stubborn, and now you are right where you deserve.

The fear of a harsh reaction held you back from approaching her, hearing an 'I told you so' or a 'what did you expect to happen?' wasn't exactly something you could handle. Even if it was what you deserved, so, you decided to leave it to her. You wanted to give her the chance to take the first step in case she was only seeking to scream at you for breaking her heart and never returning any of her calls or texts, and oh yeah, for the icing on the fucked up cake you'd baked you would have to add keeping her child from her.

Natasha couldn't focus on anything but you since you had arrived though, she actively willed you to look up at her, but she soon realized you were purposefully ignoring meeting her gaze. The ill advised thought that even when single that you wouldn't want her around broke her spirit down into nothingness.

Was she really not good enough for you?

Who was she kidding? Of course she wasn't... You were clean of a harsh origin, with a compassionate aura that bled right into your ability to be an amazing mother. Natasha wanted kids, yours specifically, but with her cold upbringing she feared she would never be what they would need, and in turn she would let you down.

Natasha didn't get to linger in her sadness for long before Maria was nudging her shoulder. "For fucks sake Romanoff, could you at least pretend to be interested in my plights?" She was reminded of the riveting conversation she'd been engaged in moments prior with a raging Maria and an instigating Wanda. Her silly relationship problems with Danvers no longer interested her when she was faced with her very own problems rooted in an extended period of longing.

Natasha rolled her eyes, and adjusted her pants to better conceal the hard on she was suddenly sporting. You just looked too good, motherhood had only ever enhanced your beauty, her purest desires for you only surplussed after your son's birth. It pained her so that you'd lived like your beauty was lost due to a miracle, and it was that night that she showed you otherwise.

The night she gave actual life to her love...

Ryan had made the first distasteful comment, it was why you were at the compound that day after all. Using the free gym six months out from your son's birth, which was fine, but you were indeed overdoing it since you had a bad back, and it was Nat who stopped you.

"Y/N, you need to take it easy, you like just had a baby," she'd tried to help, but you glared at her with angry tears in your eyes. "It's fine Nat, I need to do this. I am literally in terrible shape, I am so ug—," you'd muttered in obvious frustration, but she didn't dare let you finish your sentence. She took you right there on the mat, then again in the showers, and finally she took you to her bed and gave you all of her love.

That wasn't the start of your sinful relations, but it was the beginning of the deep lines officially blurring. Where the love the two of you felt for the other was finally released through breathy moans, soft kisses and the heat of the moment filling of your barren womb.

Every time you didn't see the beauty in your body she did, and she reminded you so well... It was not a shock to you when you saw the test; more like a total relief.

Natasha obviously knew something happened, it changed everything for her, because you and her best friend, Carter, were no longer coming around. The redhead actually sobbed on his first birthday, and she still has all the gifts she bought for him in her closet.

Wanda followed her best friend's gaze to you, and she smiled sadly. The witch was the first person you came crying to over the news, and it hurt her heart to keep this secret from Nat, but she knew that today was the day it all changed. You were going to make it all right.

Your divorce was finalized after Tony's lawyer put Ryan in their place. The open marriage was their choice, you had proof that they pushed you into agreeing, so the judge deemed your daughter's paternity a natural consequence. Now that they lost, they moved outside of city limits with their younger lover, and you contently remained in the upper-scale house, the one that didn't burden you with memories.

"Go talk to her Nat," Wanda encouraged, "Take the chance, I promise you it'll at least be cathartic."

Natasha sighed, "She's better off without me."

The redhead kicked up a cloud of dust as she sent one last longing glance your way. Her heart stuttered at the sight. You'd moved, this time her eyes found you leaning back against a table. A soft look in your eye as you watched your giggling son, Carter, clumsily chase Morgan around the field. It'd been awhile since you've been back here so you were involved in a conversation.

The grey sundress you wore was perfectly hugging your curves, and the skirt of it was flowing with the light breeze, giving her a glimpse of the silky skin of your legs beneath. It was tastefully cut, but it still allowed her to see the curve of your swollen, sagging breasts.

Natasha's eyes were focused in on the way you sucked on your popsicle though. Her cock twitched in her boxers as she saw you hollow out your cheeks, her dick longing for the oh so familiar feeling of the gesture. You mindlessly wiped away the sticky mess of artificial juices with your fingers, and her eyes were locked on them, you lifted them to your lips to suck off the sticky mess and it reminded her of that time she'd shoved hers, covered in your shared arousals, down your throat. It was the most intimate moment she'd ever shared with another, and that made her resolve fall.

The redhead couldn't stand any of it anymore, not the ache in her chest, nor her boxers, so she rushed inside the compound, ignoring the awkward stares. The door that slammed afterwards caught your attention.

Tony shoved your arm. "Go after her Y/N!"

You stared down at the stroller, admiring the peace your daughters sleeping face brought as your nervous fingers fidgeted with the strap of the diaper bag. You felt nothing but guilt after a moment though when her little eyes fluttered open to reveal a sea of familiar green. You began to wonder if Natasha would be better off without you since all you seem capable of is hurting her. All she's ever done is pour her love into you, and you actually ghosted her—the perfect woman. The longer you thought it over, the sillier your reasons felt.

Tony invited you over for this barbecue to celebrate his retirement, but you weren't dumb enough to not know why he wanted you to come. Steve, and Natasha were also retiring, the notion that the redhead was giving up this life regardless of you made your skin crawl.

Was she retiring for you? Did she know you are divorced? You knew Tony blabbed a lot, so it wouldn't surprise you if that's how she had found out.

Or was it for herself? She'd earned the right and it was a bit narcissistic to think you played any part here.

Did she have plans to find the life she wanted with someone else since you were a coward? It would only serve you right, you knew you didn't deserve her.

Tony saw the turmoil in your eyes as you picked at the foam, he gently pulled your hands from the stroller, and nodded to the door with a stern expression. "No..."

"Y/N," he sighed, ready to fight you for being a coward, but then his face fell in offense as you spoke, "You are not exactly baby proof Stark." The man scoffed, "You can't be serious, I am a perfectly functional dad!"

You deadpanned, "You are the fun dad to Pep's productive. You have her while Pepper is at a meeting and Morgan's shirt is now on inside out, she's ate off everyone's plate and if my eyes aren't deceiving me, she has a contraption from your lab. My son better..."

Tony immediately took off and you giggled, enjoying the moment of peace just before your daughter began to cry. If only Nat would have waited a minute she'd have seen you pull the tiny redhead from the stroller. It was uncanny how similar to Natasha she was.

Infuriating was more like it really, you carried her for ten excruciatingly long months, and all she got was your hair texture, lip shape, and unfortunately—temper. Everything else was Nat, aside from the blend of her skin tone, it was a beautiful mix of you both.

"What's the matter lyubov'?" You coo'd and pulled the sniffling baby girl to your chest. Unaware of the presence of your former teammates behind you. Wanda beamed at the knowledge of you learning Russian for your daughters sake, she knew Nat would likely cry at the notion too, but Maria merely gasped.

"Oh my gosh, is that Romanoff's?!" Wanda elbowed the nosy woman, at this point she wondered if Maria being the second in command for Shield was a good idea with the way she loved to gossip and tease. "Mhm..."

Wanda's hand fell on your shoulder, you were never much for staying silent, so you simply humming gave way to your obvious anxiety. "She's only crying my dear, because she knows you have unfinished business to tend to." You turned to her with a teary gaze of your own and she used the pad of her thumb to wipe them away in comforting strokes. "Hand me my niece, and go fix things with Natasha dorogoy, it'll be okay."

Delilah instantly stopped crying, her wobbly head turned slightly as she recognized Wanda's voice. The two shared excited smiles, one adorable and gummy, and the other accompanied by the faintest of wrinkles to show a long life lived. Wanda's nose was scrunched as she regarded your daughter with pure elation, and you had no qualms leaving her behind with Wanda.

"I'm sorry," you whispered as you passed her off, and Wanda wrapped her arm around your waist to offer you a comforting embrace. "All is forgiven as long as you don't fumble this time. Tell her how you feel, and let her feel it all too, she'll understand and forgive."

You nodded, offering a nervous smile then left in a hurry to get to the woman you wanted to be with for an eternity, hopeful that she still wanted the same as you.

The way to Natasha's room was quick, your muscles remembering the route without any need for a refresher. The path now forever engrained into your heart as the safest one. You pondered knocking, but then you heard the most gut wrenching sobs and felt the urgent need to push the door right open. As you opened the door though you were met with a far different sight than you had anticipated.

The sobs were ones of pure sexual frustration.

"Oh fuck!" You'd gasped at the sound of her raspy voice, the gorgeous redhead was leaning her head against the glass of her vanity as she jerked herself off with a pair of red lace panties that you'd left behind.

Natasha watched you in terror, her stomach tied in a more dreadful knot now that overpowered the arousal she needed to release. Once the shock wore off you stepped in, expression neutral as you shut her door with your foot, then used your powers to lock it.

"Y-Y/N, I can explain," she stuttered as you were silently approaching her. "How about you just let me take over instead, yeah?" Natasha nodded, her mind in a trance of sorts as she allowed you to remove her hand and use your own. The strokes you gave were feather light, but just because it was you she was on edge.

Pre-cum dribbled onto your thumb, and you used it to lube up her cock, and make your hand have a slicker surface to increase speed. You felt your panties dampen the longer you stroked her pulsing shaft, eyes locked in on the way her mouth was hung open, and her moans were raspy, melodious gifts for your ears.

"Y/N," she gritted out your name as her cock twitched with an increased warning, but you abruptly let her shaft go instead, and she sobbed without shame.

Natasha was frustrated with you on so many levels, but this had her feeling embarrassed. The way that she hasn't been able to get off without a piece of you in over a year shameful. Then when she was finally about to climax, with the real thing, you took it from her...

Again—you just kept taking, and taking from her, and now she was unsure if she had anything left to give.

"We need to talk," she rasped angrily and you nodded, but then you dropped to your knees with a wink. "We do need to talk Natasha," you purred her sentiments against the sticky red tip of her cock, reworking her mind into a haze as you prepared to give her head.

"Shall we do it now then?" You asked teasingly, but with your mouth inches from her throbbing member she could only frantically shake her head. "Later," you hotly voiced for her, you kissed her tip then licked her essence up with a soft flick through the sensitive slit.

All Natasha offered was a delayed, husky, "Mmm," too engrossed by the exhilarating sensation of your warm tongue swirling around her shaft as you slowly lowered your head until the tip of your nose brushed against her fuzzy abdomen to say much of anything else.

This was exactly what she needed. You knew it was only a matter of time before you two would have to face the reality. But, for this brief moment in time, you wanted to use your mouth to pleasure her, to soften the blow if you will, as you gave a physical apology.

After proving to yourself that you could still take all of her you pulled back and let her slick dick go with a pop so that you could admire it. While keeping your eyes locked on hers you lowered so you could lick a slow stripe up from her balls, over the underside of her shaft, flicking over the pulsing veins; building her excitement way up until your lips finally wrapped back around her head to give her some overdo pleasure.

"Oh fuck, I've missed your perfect mouth," she cried out, her hand suddenly fell atop of your head and she used all of her strength to still your bobbing so that she could fuck her cock deep down your throat instead. It was never not uncomfortable to be gagged for you, but your dampening panties gave way to the enjoyment.

Natasha felt even hotter as your excess drool pooled at the base of her shaft and slowly dribbled onto her balls. It was like every one of her senses was heightening as she felt as her auburn pubes became matted and clung to her balls. You felt it too, as they swung with each deep thrust and slapped into your sweaty skin.

There was no way the moment could improve, or so she thought, because with a firm tug on her sack, and the hollowing of your cheeks as your throat contracted around her tip she was no longer in control, her release torn from her with a throaty scream that made your arousal increase tenfold, and stain the black carpet.

The familiar taste of her was enough to bring you to the edge of glory, coupled with the way she continued to fuck your throat without so much as a thought to your needs arousing and you found yourself painfully ready to bust. Her cum was inched down your throat with every continued thrust, and you moaned along happily as you continued to suck her dry, all the way up until her member fell flaccid in your mouth.

You were nearly there, your thighs rubbed together just right, but the redhead would be damned if you were to waste your cum on her carpet instead of her readied tongue. "There's no going back after this Y/N," she rasped against the shell of your ear as she pulled you to your feet while tucking her cock back into her briefs. "If I kiss you now, then you are mine for the claiming. Understood?" You hated so much that her glossed eyes shone with immense fear and hurt.

"Do it," you pleaded, a part of you hoping that what you are going to say later doesn't change her promise; you desperately wanted to be hers for good. "Please!"

Natasha gripped you by your hips and pushed you back onto the bed as her lips met yours. Her skilled hands unclasped your bra while her tongue slowly swirled around yours, tasting herself and silently vowing to never let you go a day without being filled by her in someway. All she wanted was to be yours, and make you hers in every sense, and that included breeding you, but not before she gave you the sloppiest head.

"God, you're so hot Y/N!" She practically screamed, the need for emphasis obvious. The way she stared down at your forever changed body with admiration made you want to cry. You gulped as her eyes trailed up to yours, she offered you a loving smile but her heart broke at the sight of your petrification. "Don't lie..."

Natasha was going to kill your ex. One final mark...

"Oh my beautiful girl," she sighed, her hot breath brushed over your slick mound and she admired how your body twitched and arched at the pleasure just a breeze gives to your cunt. She placed a gentle kiss to your clit, but kept moving up instead so she could kiss the stripes that adorned the plush skin of your belly.

"You are the hottest woman around detka," she admitted without any waver in her voice, her nose nudged against the soft skin of your stomach as she wordlessly continued to admire your body and the sacrifice you have made twice now. "I can't wait to etch more of these lines, to stake my claim to your womb."

You whimpered, but something about the sound wasn't rooted in pleasure, so she came back up to hover your face. "What's wrong detka, am I moving too fast?"

You smiled sadly, and shook your head, "No, it's just.. I-I," you couldn't help but to stutter now, "The claim is already yours Natasha, and it always should've been."

You don't regret Carter, how could you? In spite of all the turmoil surrounding him, he was a lovely toddler. With a natural curiosity to keep him fun, but a cautious approach that kept him safe from the lingering dangers of the world. Your son was the definition of perfect, and was never regretted, you merely rebuke Ryan.

"How so?" Natasha challenged, and you gulped, "We divorced because Delilah is yours Nat, our daughter."

"Yeah," she sighed with a sad smile, "But this time I'll be around to help as your body changes, to take care of you as you deserve while carrying my love around."

It stunned you to see nothing but love and solace behind her eyes, she wasn't angry, she was visibly relieved. Which meant this wasn't exactly news to her.

"You knew?" She nodded, and you felt your throat go dry; of course she did, Natasha wasn't regarded as a top tier spy for nothing. You frantically moved to defend your decisions, "I-I wanted to tell you Natty, but I was so scared." Natasha kissed your trembling lips tenderly in an attempt to cut off your anxiety, and for a perfect moment there was nothing but peace.

"I understand," she eventually whispered as she parted from the kiss, "You couldn't be sure of your feelings, you were only six months postpartum when we made her." Her, Delilah, Natasha's precious mini me that she'd yet to meet and the product of a destined love.

"No," you insisted, "Please do understand that I was never confused about my love for you. Every time we made love that ring would burn on my finger like the devil himself possessed it, because the greatest sin I've ever lived was pretending not to be in love with you."

You watched her eyes narrow in confusion and sighed resignedly. "You deserved someone better, I knew I wasn't enough for you. You're a model with a heart of gold, and I'm just a—." You were both momentarily stunned as her hand made contact with your cheek. The both of you blinked back your shock, and after she saw you were okay her eyes completely darkened. "I'm going to kill them Y/N, they deserve despair for ever making you question even an ounce of your beauty."

"Natty no," you pleaded for Carter's sake, "I mean yeah, Ryan wasn't good, but they were a bad I deserved," you saw the way her eyes narrowed and your speech flinched, "I-I am trying to say that you were too good."

"Me?" She scoffed with a twist of pure disgust, "How could I ever be too good for you?! Y/N, you are —."

"You're so beautiful Natasha," you sighed, cutting her off, "I don't even mean your looks, I am appreciative for them, sure, but it's your heart that I adore."

You couldn't fight the smile that took over your face, the veins of her cock pulsed through the thin material of her boxers, felt pulsing against your thigh along to the beat of her racing heart and you knew you'd said the right thing. Natasha's eyes were welling with tears as she leaned in to kiss you, it was tender and not at all foreign, but it was a feeling you'd nonetheless missed.

She always regarded your body with love, even in the more rougher moments, when she'd abuse your body like you'd beg her to, she would whisper her hearts reassuring thoughts. Deep down she always knew you asked for what you thought you deserved, so she gave you it, but not without what she knew you needed too.

"You're so good Y/N," she practically pleaded, her eyes shed hopeful tears that dripped down your temples, "I'm blessed to be in this position with you right now, the mother of my kids," she proudly said, her subtle claim to your son made you sniffle. "You deserve to be loved just like you love everyone else; without limit."

"Natasha," you whimpered, and she pecked your lips. "You're my wildest dream come true; a sight for sore eyes, an absolutely amazing mother, with the physique of a goddess. You are a blessing worthy of worshipping, I can swear to you that there's no one more perfect for me than you detka, you are the love of my life."

"Fuck," you scoffed over a sob, "So damn cheesy..."

Natasha hummed softly, "Can you feel it?" and offered you an amused smile. You blinked up in a daze as she brushed your knuckles over her lips, and you felt her dick twitch against your skin as she husked, "My love."

Your body took her words as a sign to start working towards pleasing her, you were desperate to feel it wholly. Natasha threw an arm around your waist as her back arched, securing you to her as she thrusted up involuntarily and reached a prime point of pleasure that made you both scream, yours shrill and hers a rasp. The way her throbbing tip was rubbed raw as her briefs smeared your arousal around your clit had you both already breathless, it took everything in her not to enter you then. If not for her desperation to taste what she'd been missing she would've given in instantly.

"Natty please," you tried, but ultimately failed, her raspy voice denied your pleasure, "Not yet, I need to return the favor first, I miss having your taste on my tongue and smelling you on my lips hours later."

It infuriated your cunt, who's hollowed walls clenched with need, but in the same breath her tone turned you on beyond belief, to not only feel, but to hear just how affected she was by her lusty desires centered around eating you out alone had your legs naturally spreading.

"There's my good girl," she praised against the plushness of your thigh, her tongue laid flat as she slowly licked up the essence coating your skin on a scandalous route to the grand prize, your oozing core.

Or better known to her as paradise.

After teasing you enough, with abrasive nibbles and her tongues follow up soothing caresses she felt it was about time to give you exactly what you both needed. Her lips twitched as she purposefully breathed your arousal in, and you choked in contrast when she lunged forward and began to eat your puffy pussy out.

There was no more gentle, loving Natasha; her eyes blackened, the carnality shown she was nothing short of feral, the filthy moans vibrating you into an orgasm as her tongue lapped at your core proof enough. But, for the sake of imagination, picture as if she was actually outside right now. Forced to participate in the watermelon eating contest, her hands tied behind her back and her face hovered over the three thick pieces on her plate; she'd beat both Sam and Bucky in record time, twelve seconds—four per slice, and still have enough time to make you scream around the corner, pinned to a wall while the boys struggled to focus.

The Falcon's wings would dip when informed it took him thirty seconds, but not as disappointed as The Winter Soldier who took thirty five. Fortunately for the boys, Natasha was buried in a more fitting place, winning at life as the soldiers tied, but lost to Thor who did it in ten, followed by a burp and plea for more.

You also endlessly pleaded for more, then rather suddenly for less, but inevitably you went unheard as your thighs deprived Natasha of both air and the ability to hear. Yet she kept going, making you scream out her name seconds later, and cream on her tongue.

Natasha felt your thighs relax, and with a firm grip she separated them, digging her nails into the skin as she took in an exaggerated gulp of air. You mewled and threw your head back to avoid her scarily arousing gaze. The both of you knew she was trained to hold her breath for extended periods of time, but it was hot nonetheless for you to witness, and her to pretend.

Truthfully, you internally, always made her breathless, so she was simply emoting. After a moment of you both coming back to your senses Natasha groaned, her red tip brushed against the sticky fabric of her boxers and she was disappointed she came outside of you.

"You always do this Y/N," she groaned, "I can't even help but to fuck the air to the sounds of your cries."

"Sorry," you whimpered, Natasha watched with a smirk as your entire body shivered. Then her face dropped as she realized something, "It just wasted our greatest chance at making a baby Y/N! The first round is the most potent, so now I'll have to fill you twice."

"Delilah is only six months," you panted, your words of concern not matching the clear state of your arousal. "Yeah detka; that means we are, quite frankly, behind."

"Behind?" Natasha nodded as she avoided your gaze to focus down on the mess of her boxers as she took them off and flipped them inside out. "Detka, we don't waste, so finish your treat before you get answers." There was no hesitation as you sucked the cotton fabric clean of her, moaning and soaking through the pair.

"You want this, don't you?" Natasha asked, her confidence dimmed as the fear of rejection emerged. You spit out her boxers and shrieked, "of course I do!"

Natasha hummed, "Then yes my love," as she gently stroked your cheek before pecking it. "We're gravely behind, so let's just call this an efficient way to catch up. I'll overload you on my love, and swimmers."

"Okay," your voice absolutely breathless as you allowed her to pull you up off the bed, having accepted the hand she'd extended out just so she could pull you close and kiss you until your were both breathless.

When you were distracted enough she spun you around and pressed you into the tacky wall with her muscular frame, her hot breaths fanned across your skin and your clit pulsed. She drove you wild, evidence of that being the way that your slick dribbled down the sides of her length that curved beneath your cunt.

"Are you ready to be bred?" Her fingers fondly traced over the marks on your hips. "To be full of my pulsing cock as it busts? I promise I'll leave you beyond full."

"Mommy please," you whined and pushed back with all your might to curve her dick up and into you. "Oh, you know what that does to me detka; you're in for it now."

Natasha pressed her body up, and rocked her hips until she'd smeared enough of your slick onto her length. It was a precautionary measure to ensure you minimal pain as she never failed to stretch you to your limits.

"Fuck mommy, you're so big," you mewled as her tip barely pressed into you, the redhead chuckled and slammed her hips forward, swiftly bottoming out and causing your body to lurch painfully into the wall. "Mmm, mommy loves the way you feel wrapped so tightly around me detka, suffocating my dick like the filthy whore that you are." She sloppily pecked your cheek. "This is right where you belong."

"Wanna stay like this forever," you sighed contentedly as your heated cheek brushed against the chilled wall with each shallow thrust she rewarded you with.

"That can be arranged," she rasped into your ear as her hips began to move a bit more. "Nobody else will ever get to see you like this again," she added, her growl and grip possessive as she picked up a pace you never could keep up with. Enhanced as you were with powers, the strength and stamina were all more Natasha's forte; fucking you limp a cherished specialty of hers.

"Nobody has seen me since you," you cleared the air in a dizzy slur, and felt as she prematurely shot into you, but Natasha recovered her composure fast and continued to fuck you while holding back her orgasm.

"Because this pussy is mine," she grunted, her hips now swirled with each thrust as she sought out your sole pleasure. Hearing that you were celibate in her absence a major ego boost as she rammed her fat cock into your spongey sensitivity with each precise jolt of her body into yours and pulled out those glorious supporting moans of a job well done. "Say it!"

"All yours mommy," you cried out sharply as her finger rapidly swirled against your swollen bud. "Damn straight," she groaned as she twitched and spasmed against your quivering walls. "Fucking hell, I'm going to fill you to the brim," she groaned against the base of your neck as she hastily pounded your body up against the wall.

Her hands gripped the fluff of your hips and fully drove her pelvis into your backside so that she could push you over the edge. "I'm so close mommy, please." Natasha obliged your pleas with a swift plan, her tongue teasingly licked the shell of your right ear, "Go on then sweetheart," her free hand moved to grope your breasts that leaked nonstop with warm milk while the other hand continued to stimulate your needy clit. "Let go and drench my cock; make a mess of me."

"Oh, oh, oh shit," you shrieked as you felt the coil within you snap into jagged pieces of pleasure. Nicking every inch of your body—setting your nerves ablaze. Pins and needles lasted for a perceivable eternity as you swore and soon enough you moaned a chorus as she fucked you through the toe curling orgasm.

Natasha shifted your bodies with ease, her cock still driving into your needy hole as she carried you over to lay your front down on the bed, she kept shallowly thrusting, but her strained cock managed to hold out. Even though she wanted to stay true to her words, she continued to hold back her own release for you.

"Your moans are my favorite," she whispered amusedly against the skin of your shoulder before placing a gentle kiss there, and thrusting in deep, pulling sultry cries from the depths of your needy soul. Only to then suddenly pull out so that she could admire your bare backside while calming her need to breed you.

Her hands groped the skin of your sore ass, you whined as her cold fingers trailed over the already bruising skin, tempering the sting from her hips prior assaults. "Daddy please," you whimpered, and she dug her nails into the skin. "Stop being so impatient detka, we're making up for lost time here—be a good girl, and don't rush the process."

"Sorry mommy," you whimpered, and though she couldn't see you she smiled at the remembrance of your usual pout. "There you go," she praised, "Always so good for me baby, I promise that I will never tire of having you like this," she paused, lining her tip back up with your dripping entrance, "Spread wide open as your pretty, puffy cunt devours my shaft."

That was the only warning you had before she slid her thickness back inside of you and began to give you the type of strokes that made your spine shiver; slow, and deep enough that you could feel your guts shifting.

You whimpered softly, "Fuck, I'm already so close again..." Natasha chuckled, "I know, I can feel you trembling detka, fuck, your walls are squeezing me so tight." The redhead stilled for just a second, much to your bodies dismay too, you pressed your ass back and your cunt somehow sucked her in even deeper. It took everything in her not to bust, but she wanted to be truly levelheaded about this before she lost control.

Two kids under two was no easy feat, to be ready for a third required a sure mentality. It was your body after all, talk all she wanted of her possession of your body, that was only in part true. You were in charge of what she did next, whether that be to cum inside you, or to release her potent load onto your back. Either way she'd be satisfied, and all she really wanted was you to be happy with the overall outcome too.

"Want to carry my baby again detka?" Her lips gently pressed into the skin of your shoulder, the moment was far less sexually charged, she gently marked your surrounding skin up while patiently waiting for your eventual, labored response. "Please..."

"Are you sure?" Natasha doubled down, her cock twitched in anticipation for your final reply. "Yes," you were breathless, "Please, just breed me already! Wanna be full of you." Natasha hummed, then picked her pace up, she still reached your greatest depths, but this time she went much faster—leaving you to moan nonstop.

"Gonna fill you until I'm sure I've succeeded," she rasped confidently after a moment of nothing other than listening to skin slapping, and juices sloshing. "Then I'll fuck you from the back every month and feel the way your body changes for our fetus," she placed a sloppy wet kiss behind the shell of your ear and your body shuddered as your walls clamped down on her thick shaft. "Fuck, I heard that pregnancy makes you even hornier detka. Maybe I'll hit it every night. I'll destroy this pussy before the birth ever could."

"Fucking hell Natasha," you shrieked, but it faded into a low pitched moan as the tip of her spurting cock hit that glorious spot deep within that blurred your vision. It happened just as she pressed her wandering hand against the bulge pushing your stretched skin back out.

Your vision blacked out, your cheek pressed into the sheets harshly as the redhead continued to thrust against your pussy's tight resistance to prolong your orgasms and to also allow your walls to effectively milk her cock, ensuring maximum breeding efficiency.

When even she couldn't take anymore she fell into your backside a panting mess. "You did so good," she reassured you, her hands tight grip on your hips loosened so she could stroke your sides instead as you both took a moment to regulated your systems.

After a few moments Natasha became restless, her stamina bouncing back fast as she rose up and slid out of you, leaving behind a sticky mess of your arousals as she did; her clean sheets never stood a chance. It was a moment of total joy for her to watch as your pussy contracted, sensitive walls pushing the excess of her cum from you a sight worthy of marveling. The way it bubbled and popped was absolutely mesmerizing...

There was hardly a lull in her cocks erectness, she stood there still slightly out of breath, with her sticky member inches away from her rock-hard abs in a sweaty glow. Tension held her body captive as she picked her next move. "I want you to ride me detka, bounce on mommy's cock for a bit, suck me dry."

"Mommy, I..." you sighed, "I'm tired."

"I know honey," she coo'd as she sat down on the edge of the mattress, her nimble fingers wrapped around your thigh and teasingly squeezed. "I'll do all the work." With the promise of the needed assistance you slowly shuffled over to her, and threw your leg over her spread set, opening your slick lips back up and allowing her to slip herself back in. You moaned into her shoulder as you felt your mixed slicks gush as your core met the base of her cock at a new, delightful angle.

"Mommy," you called shyly, as if you weren't already in the midst of a raw fucking, your glossy eyes fell to her lips, and she shook her head in amusement as she chuckled, "Come on detka, take what you need."

The way you kissed her every single time was how she knew your feelings for her went beyond that of lust. It was always soft, and sensual with a sense of urgency. Sometimes she felt like you were out to devour her entirely, and if you were, she wouldn't even mind. To be taken out by your lips on hers sounds heavenly.

"Oh god," you whimpered, overrun by a pleasure only she could offer you, her hands on your hips guided you, but she let you control the kiss. "I need you all the time Natty," you panted harshly against her lips as you only briefly disconnected them. "I can't get off without you. Not even listening to your old voicemails work."

"You'll never need to again detka," she growled, hands possessive as they pulled your body back down by your hips to meet her desperate thrusts, "I'll fill you up every day if that's what you need—mhm, yeah; this pussy of mine will never have time to miss me."

"Please..." you begged as your lips left hers so your head could fly back in pleasure, and your hands clawed at her neck, leaving behind angry red lines. Natasha's breath stalled, the grip she had on your hips tightened, then she dropped you mid lift because of how dizzy she felt with the way that your walls squeezed her shaft every damn time it left your warmth. Your face fell to her neck, lips latching onto her pulse point, and with you working to claim her too she busted. The warmth of her seed splattered against your walls, again, the stream nudged your g-spot with a firm flow, joined by the harsh slam of her tip; it was all too much, and in some strange way it never felt like it was enough.

Arousal gushed all over the redheads skin, and slowly dripped down the oak bed frame, polishing it anew.

The way your combined releases ran down from her abdomen and saturated the skin of her balls made her body tense as she produced even more of her seed. Natasha hadn't stopped thrusting, in fact she flipped your body onto the bed, and sent you into another wave of pleasure, and your mind to another dimension.

It had been exactly fourteen months, and ten days since she last felt as her cock rearranged your insides so she wasn't ready to stop. Natasha panted against your neck as she kept fucking your unconscious body.

Eventually she fell semi-flaccid, and her breath was so erratic she had to stop her body from continuing to ram into you. Even if the urge persisted, you were more than fucked out, so she was mostly satisfied. There's no way her diet super soldier swimmers weren't going to fulfill their duty. If the redhead is lucky she'll get a two for one reward. She can't wait to be waiting on you hand and foot. There'd never be a night you went to bed hungry, or uncomfortable.

You'll carry her kids, and she'll carry the rest of the burdens that come with life. The redhead admired your still face, your eyes tracked behind your lids, and your even, cool breaths fanned across her warm face. This was what she believed bliss to be at its core.

Natasha gently slid right on out of you, but it didn't last long before she was sheathed within your velvety warmth again. After you awoke she'd kissed you tenderly, and as her tongue explored your mouth you reached down to pump your hand up and down her cock, it was loud and wet, your hand growing sticky with your mixed arousals and her body shuddered.

"Inside," you breathed in a fit against her lips, she chuckled in disbelief at your needy behavior, and happily guided her cock to your entrance and watched as your walls sucked her in and your wetness gushed all over. "Oh fucking hell detka," Natasha groaned as her fingers flexed against your hips, "Eto ray."

(this is heaven)

"Mhm," you softly hummed your agreement, your hazy eyes fluttered open a moment later as you cheekily smirked up at her. "That dick game is god tier Natty."

Natasha rolled her eyes, then chuckled against your skin as she happily burrowed her face into your neck. All of the lust had faded, for now, and all that was left was to soak in the fact that this was finally happening.

Nothing could ruin the moment, well, almost nothing.

Your phone dinged about half an hour later, and if not for being a mom you'd have ignored it. You lazily lifted it from her nightstand. A soft giggle left you as Natasha grumbled in annoyance at the shift of her cock that was still inside of you. The woman turned her head on your chest and peered at your phone suspiciously only to see that it was lit up with an innocent text from Wanda.

Shall I take the kids back to mine ? 👀♥️

"Tell her to wait," Natasha pleaded, then in a rush she jumped up, leaving you hollow and raced into the shower. You did as told, then followed behind, and the two of you tenderly, yet speedily cleaned the other off.

Wanda sat in the living area with Carter asleep on her bump, and with Delilah laying on the play mat below her, happily kicking her feet. You quietly moved to sit beside your best friend, and watched with a smile as the love of your life cautiously approached your child.

"Hello there moya malen'kaya lyubov'," she was so soft spoken as she spoke to Delilah that you almost didn't recognize her voice. Tears brimmed your lids as you watched the way that your daughter lit up at hearing the spoken Russian, of course Natasha noticed too.

(My littlest love)

"Detka," she whimpered, and looked up into your eyes "Do you speak to her in Russian?" You nodded and sent her a playful wink to cover your emotional gaze. Natasha however turned stone cold serious as she said: "YA sobirayus' sdelat' tebya svoyey zhenoy."

(I'm going to make you my wife)

Wanda giggled from beside you when you frowned and looked to your love with a pout. Natasha smirked this time and winked back, "We'll work on your Russian, then we'll return to that phrase when you understand."

"Oh," you chuckled softly, "I understood, I just expected a first date, then the fat diamond ring."

You turned away from your blushing lover, and scooped your son off of Wanda. "Thank you for the offer, but I'm not leaving you with my two gremlins when you already have two growing inside of you." Wanda went to protest but you leaned into her ear to whisper: "The walls at my place are soundproof..."

You walked away with a proud smirk as the women sat there with collective reddened cheeks. Wanda left a moment later with a kiss left on your daughter's cheek, and a rush in her wobble. Natasha shook her head and chuckled softly at your daughter, "Tvoyu mat' ne zrya prozvali 'Ubiytsey'" Delilah tilted her head, and Natasha was perturbed by Wanda's obvious influence.

(Your mother wasn't nicknamed "Killer" for nothing)

"Detka, where are we going?" She asked as she trailed behind you with a curious infant sat atop of her hip. "Home," you replied flatly then turned around with a contradicting grin. "You ready to shack up darling?"

"I don't know," Natasha teased, "that's a lot of responsibility to place upon a free flyer like me."

"Then I guess," you were cut off by a kiss that left you speechless, yet slightly humming as you grinned against her plush lips. "You've been tamed by a," she cut you off again with a peck and answer: "Beautiful, perfect in all of the ways that count, sexy ass milf."

"You're such a hopeless romantic," you teased, and she matched your grin with a suave lift of the mood. "I'm never hopeless with you Y/N, just soft, and absolutely, undeniably in love with you."

"Jeez Nat, keeping charming my pants off and we'll literally end up with a baseball team." The redhead chuckled, "A team of tiny assassins and witches," then sidled up to you, and slid her free hand into yours in perfect rhythm. "You're insane." Natasha swung your connected hands and grinned up like a devil. "I sure am crazy for you, so yeah, I'll claim it." She winked slowly and snorted when you glared, it was entirely heatless and she knew it.

Then to make the moment all the more special she leaned forward and smiled at your son. "Hi there sweet boy, I'm," she went to introduce herself but the nearly two year old interrupted her excitedly, "Mama!" Natasha was stunned and you elated to see it was a good thing, her eyes lit up with so much love, and she dropped your hand so that she could snatch Carter right from you. "Hey! You already have a baby!"

"You hush," she hissed playfully, then you saw her eyes glisten as he nuzzled right into her neck like she was safe and she emotionally whispered to him in Russian: "Moy ideal'nyy syn, ya budu lyubit' tebya bez ogranicheniy."

(My perfect son, I will love you without limits)

"Moya dragotsennaya Dalila, ya nauchu tebya vsem svoim znamenitym dvizheniyam," she placed a gentle kiss to her face. Then her gaze turned to you as you scoffed, "Not happening if she takes after me for once."

(my precious delilah, I will teach you all my famous moves)

"Don't worry, I didn't forget about you," she turned around and came to a sudden stop. Forcing you to nearly bump into her, but she took a smooth step back with a stupidly hot smirk on her face. "I could never." Natasha leaned in and kissed your lips with a precise tenderness. "I love you, and I plan to for the rest of my life," you blurted, stealing her thunder but she loved the sudden declaration of yours more than her own repeated ones. "I'm so glad you're the one who almost got away, because I'd forever be lost without you."

"My rodstvennyye dushi," she whispered as she pecked your tear tracked cheeks, "Ty byl moyey sud'boy," this time she was pressed against your lips. Then she pulled back with a smile as she continued to speak as her lips met her sleeping babies faces. "Oni nashe naslediye." Then she perfectly crouched without jostling the kids to kiss the skin of your tummy. "For good luck."

(We are soulmates / You were my destiny / Them our legacy)

——

#natasha romanoff #natasha romanoff smut #natasha romanoff oneshot #natasha romanoff fanfic #natasha romanoff fanfiction #natasha romanoff imagine #natasha romanoff x reader #natasha romanoff x fem!reader #natasha romanoff x female reader #natasha romanoff x you #natasha romanoff x y/n #gxg #natasha x reader #natasha x y/n #natasha x you #natasha x fem!reader

[ourautumn86]

puppy love

dad’s bf shane mccutcheon x fem! reader

pt2

synopsis: you’ve liked your dad’s best friend for a very long time. the time has come when you can finally have her.

cw;; +18 content! minors dni!! (i’ll hunt you down), shane is 34, reader is 18 in the first part of the fic, alcohol and drug consumption (coke and weed) (don’t do this guys!!!!), fighting, reader being mean, TENSIONNNN, puking, kissing, tattoos, piercings, teasing, praising, degradation, voyeurism (kinda), oral sex (r receiving), fingering (r receiving), cum eating, hair pulling…

you’ve had this silly little crush on your dad’s best friend since you were a teenager.

how could you not? she was beautiful, and successful and so fucking hot… she was unique. you’ve never met anyone quite like shane mccutcheon. so free.

it was innocent at first. you’d always want to spend time with her. she was the person you looked up to after all. she taught you how to skate from a a very early age. she always cut your hair when you’d need a fresh cut, and dyed it even though when she knew your dad would give her hell for it just because you wanted to (she would say sorry, but she wasn’t). she gave you your first tattoo when you turned 16 in a place where your father wouldn’t see. a hummingbird, just like hers. “my birthday present for you, kid” she had said. you could still remember the feeling of her fingertips on your thighs and waist as she tattooed your hipbone. you had tried so hard to not blush and squirm, her touch electrifying.

you could feel butterflies every time your friends would ask you about her in recess, well-known looks being shared when you’d blush. and your knees would go weak when you’d see her at the entrance of your high-school after class, waiting for you leaning against her car with her charming smile. “hey kid.” she’d mess up your hair with one of her ringed hands, hugging you close to her chest. you’d push her away, acting pissed off, when in reality all you wanted was to hug her closer and bury your face in the crook of her neck. she always smelled so nice…

but you couldn’t keep her too close ‘cause then you’d notice the hickeys on her neck, and all those butterflies would die.

your father had you at a very early age, having to raise you all by himself since your mother decided to run away and leave you. and shane had been there since the first second that she had met your father, along with the whole group, helping him push through.

so when you realized that what you felt for her was more than something platonic… your whole world came crashing down on your shoulders.

eighteen and in love with a woman twice your age… so you slowly started to drift away. you’d act busy. you’d started going out frequently, doing drugs, drinking alcohol… getting wasted and sleeping with a bunch of girls to try and forget her.

of course, she’d always find you.

“oh my god…” you groaned, turning around to face your friend with wobbly legs and your heart on your throat. “shane’s here.” you had just left the club, completely drunk out of your mind and with hickeys all over your chest and neck. you couldn’t let her see you like this. you didn’t want to see her.

“what? where?” your friend inquired and you pointed with your eyes to the side and to your back. “fuck. what do we do?”

“don’t let her see me. please, lucile.”

“okay, let’s…” but then she ducked her head, eyes shot open. “oh shit. shit. shit. she saw me.”

“fuck!” you whispered, and at the same time you heard shane’s voice coming from behind you, calling out for you. you tried to ignore her, tried to act as if she wasn’t you who she was looking for, but she wouldn’t give up.

“hey! i’m talking to you!” your whole world started spinning when you felt her hand on your shoulder, turning you around so you could face her. “do you have any idea how worried your dad is? we’ve been looking like crazy for you.” her voice sounded harsh, and she looked pissed. it was when she noticed that you weren’t looking at her, but instead hiding your eyes that she took your face with her free hand, making you face her. “fuck… you’re high?” your eyes were reddish and half lided, pupils dilated. your makeup ruined, gloss smushed. she looked at your clothes, completely out of place, bruises on your skin. “let’s go.” she grabbed onto your wrist to pull you along, but you fought her. she growled your name, slowly.

“i’m not going anywhere. i’m having fun.” you slurred, taking a swing of the bottle of alcohol on your hand. your vision was blurry, and your heart was beating too loud. “hey!” you whined when she took it from you and threw it aside, making the glass break. you whistled at her pissed off look. “somebody needs to have a little bit of fun…” you muttered.

“you’ve had enough, i’m taking you home.” her voice was stern, green eyes angry.

“you’re not my dad.” you said, and she smirked.

“yeah. thank god i’m not, ‘cause if he saw you like this, he’d kill you. move.” you rolled your eyes. “don’t be a brat with me. i’m not putting up with that shit. car, now.” she ordered, and you finally moved, walking towards her car.

you hadn’t shared a word on the whole way and you frowned when she kept going straight instead of taking a turn when the street of your neighborhood came to your view. she noticed. “i’m taking you to my house. can’t let your father see you like this.” your stomach jumped at the thought of being alone with her on her beautiful house. you could still remember how soft her bed was, how everything smelled of her. it was making you nervous. you didn’t want to be alone with her. not when she looked this good and you were this drunk and high.

she parked right outside, turning off the engine and getting out of the car. you followed her up the stairs and inside her home, groaning when she turned the lights on and it hit your eyes.

“fuck.”

“what did you take?” she inquired and you giggled.

“what did i not take?” she crossed her arms over her chest and you rolled your eyes. “i don’t know. some weed. cocaine…” she rose one of her hands to pinch the bridge of her nose.

“jesus christ. why the fuck would you do that! are you insane?”

“oh, don’t act as if you hadn’t done it before… we all know shane heart breaker mccutcheon’s reputation.” you scoffed, and she squinted at you.

“and now you want to follow my steps?”

“maybe i do.” you shrugged.

“you’re acting stupid.” she sighed.

“and you’re acting fucking annoying.” you retorted, grabbing at the sides of your head when it throbbed. “ugh you’re making my head hurt.” your legs wobbled and if it weren’t for shane grabbing you, you’d have probably fell onto the floor.

“woah. are you okay?” you shook your head.

“i think… i’m going to…” you clasped your mouth shut with one of your hands and shane’s eyes quickly shot open before she was hurriedly guiding you to the toilet. you fell on your knees, puking your guts out. she grabbed your hair on a make-shift ponytail to make sure that it wouldn’t get dirty. she rubbed your back with her free hand.

“it’s okay, let it go. that’s it.” you groaned, feeling your stomach hurt. you didn’t want her to touch you, not on this state, but at the same time, you just wanted to lean on her touch and forget about everything.

“sorry.” you apologized, not really sure about what, maybe everything. she hushed you.

“it’s okay. don’t worry about it, okay? let it all out.” after a couple of minutes, you felt your dizziness subside, although you were still pretty high. “stay here, alright? i’m gonna go for some clothes you can change into.” you nodded, resting against the cold wall as you took deep breaths.

“fuck.”

you were cringing at the thought of shane seeing you like this, a complete fucking mess, just when she came back to the bathroom with some clothes on her hands.

“come on. let’s get you up.” she offered you her help to get up, hands on your hips to stabilize you as you took off your heels. “do you need help with-“ you shook your head.

“i’m fine.”

“are you sure?”

“shane. i’m fine.” you repeated, harshly, and she nodded. she wanted to understand. if you were acting like this it had to be due to something.

“alright… i’ll… i’ll be outside if you need me.” she nodded, and left the bathroom.

you sighed, leaning on the counter. you looked at the pile of clothes she had left you, and you took them. they were soft, and just as you imagined, they smelled like her.

you pulled over your head your dress, feeling the cold of the bathroom slide into your bones. your skin rose in goosebumps when you slid her shirt on, feeling caged in her and at the same time so free… you were surrounded by shane. and you were ashamed of yourself. you were supposed to be getting over her, not thinking about how much you liked having her on you. you were deep in thought when she knocked on the door. you had already pulled up your legs the shorts she had lent you.

“you okay in there?” she inquired through the other side, and you opened up for her.

“do you have some makeup remover i could use?” you inquired her, shying away from her green deep eyes.

“oh, yeah.” she passed through you, pulling it from the drawers of the sink along with some cotton wipes.

“thank you.” you muttered when she handed it to you.

“no problem.”

there was this… awkward tension in between the two of you. shane didn’t know what to say. she had noticed how lately you’d gone off the rails, but she didn’t really know why. it was your last year of high school. maybe you were just trying to have fun before college…? she was just worried about you.

you took off your makeup, and she stood there with you, cautious in case you felt like getting sick again.

you were still pretty high, although the dizziness of the alcohol had disappeared once you’d gotten it out of your system. suddenly, you felt this knot in your throat. shit. not now.

“hey… are you…? what’s wrong?” you shook your head, wiping away the first tear that fell from your eyes.

“nothing.” you muttered, but she wasn’t having it.

“come on, something must be going on for you to be like this. talk to me, sweetheart.” she pulled you into her arms, rubbing your back as you hid on the crook of her neck. “hm?” she took your face in between her hands, thumbs caressing your cheeks.

“i love you.” you said, and she smiled.

“i love you too, kid.” you shook your head, interrupting her, your hands surrounding her wrists.

“i love you, shane.” she frowned, eyes shooting open in shock when she felt your lips on hers. your eyes were squeezed shut, heart beating harshly against your ribs. it was just a mere touch, two seconds of contact before she was softly pushing you away, breath fanning over your lips. your forehead collided with her chest. “i’m sorry.” you muttered, and shane hugged you, rubbing your back in soft circles. oh, sweet thoughtful shane.

“why don’t we get you in bed, hm?” she inquired, tenderly. she didn’t think too much of it. you were drunk, high and sad. this had all been a slip. a mistake. she had surely had many before. you nodded, and let her guide you to her bedroom. she always let you use her bed when you’d sleep over, using the sofa instead or sometimes sleeping with you when you were younger and would get scared.

“shane?” you inquired her as she made her way to the door.

“yeah?”

“do you think maybe…you could stay?”

she stood silent for a couple of seconds.

“yeah, sure.” she answered, and you moved to make some space for her. she laid on her back, and looked at you. “come here.” you got closer, and leaned on her chest, right above her heart, where you could hear her heartbeat. her hand laced on your hair, rubbing your scalp and brushing it for you to relax —something she has always done since you were little and helped you sleep—. you had to bite down on your lip and swallow your tears.

“good night, shane.” you whispered.

“good night, kid.” she answered.

the next morning. you were gone. and shane didn’t see you again.

-

4 years later…

“there’s my baby girl fresh out of college!!!” you chuckled at your dad’s excitement. you thanked the taxi driver who waved goodbye and started the car to drive away. “oh god, you’ve gotten so big!” you rolled your eyes, hugging him back as he squeezed you against his chest.

“dad… you saw me a couple of months ago!” you laughed and he grunted.

“kids grow so fast…” he sighed, shaking his head and you copied him, rolling your eyes. “come on! let’s get you inside!” he took your suitcase, pulling from it.

four years had passed since the last time you’d stepped on your city, even your house. that night after telling shane you’d loved her, you’d taken the offer one of your friends had given you to work for her during the summer in NY and left LA, later on having enrolled on the local college to continue your education. it was your dad who would come visit you on the holidays, since you’d promised yourself not to come back after you’d finally finished your degree to… disconnect. you needed change. needed to find yourself. and in reality, all of it was a simple excuse. you just needed to get away from shane. you couldn’t look her in the eyes after that night, couldn’t act as if nothing had happened and you hadn’t kissed her. couldn’t ignore the way your whole body had filled with euphoria and your stomach had blown up in butterflies.

so you ran. and did everything in your power to forget all about it. you had made new friends, met new people, dated, broke up, fucked, partied… you’d lived a brand new life away from her. and somehow…, it still felt like something was missing.

“dad… what’s all of this?” you inquired at the amount of snacks and beers decorating the isle of your kitchen. he guiltily smiled and you rose your eyebrows.

“i may of may have not invited some people to throw you a… comeback party?” you groaned.

“dad!”

“i know! but you know your aunt alice! she’s missed you so much… and angelica wouldn’t stop asking for you to bette and tina. so i thought that a little gathering wouldn’t kill anybody…” you sighed. “we’re just happy to have you back home, baby.”

you felt the itch. the need to ask about her. to say her name out loud after all this years. but you fought it.

“you’re right. i’m sorry. i’ve missed them too.” he hugged you again.

“why don’t you take a shower and get ready, hm? i’ll bring your luggage up your room for you. they’ll get here in an hour or so.” you nodded.

“okay. thanks dad.”

-

shane had been shocked to hear the drastic decision you’ve made in moving to new york. you’d packed and left the same day without even saying goodbye. she had tried calling you, of course she had. at least to try and get to know how you were doing over there in that immense city. but it’d always go straight to voice mail. your dad would tell her that it’s because you were real busy with school and your work. so she’d given you space. she had enough knowing through your father that you were alright. though she missed you. you were important for her. she adored you.

the years passed by quicker than she thought. she had taken over a couple of hair salons that now had her name, and sold her photography to great prices, giving her the chance to move to a better apartment. she hadn’t noticed the change that this years supposed for you ‘till she finally got to see you again, four years later.

you weren’t the same little teenager girl she once knew. you had grown up into this beautiful woman with radiant smile and vibrant eyes. you’d gotten a couple more tattoos, she could perfectly see the tramp stamp peeking from your low rise jeans, and outline the bars on your nipples though your tight top. jesus christ. when the hell had you gotten those?

you were wearing a beautiful lip gloss that made your lips pop, and black eyeshadow and waterline in your eyes. your nails were done in a deep shade of red, yet short.

shane had to take a deep breath when you finally noticed her, walking into your house as you took a beer from the kitchen. your dad and the group was outside by the pool, getting ready to eat some meat fresh out from the grill.

she looked good. why did she look so fucking good? and why was your heart going this crazy? for god’s sake, it had been four years already. you were sure you’d finally gotten it under control, but one look at her and those stupid butterflies were back, along with the memory of her soft lips and electrifying touch.

“well if it isn’t new york’s sweetheart…” she said as she finally reached you a smirk on her lips as she leaned on the isle, to what you scoffed. “it’s nice to see you, kid.” her voice was low, and silky. you wanted to groan. she sounded better than you remembered. but instead, you rolled your eyes, leaning on the other side of the isle to get closer.

“i’m not a kid anymore, shane.”

“yeah, i can see that.” she chuckled, eyes training on your body, eyeing you up and down when you turned around and asked:

“want a beer?”

“please.” you opened the fridge once again, bending over to get them from the last shelf, giving her the perfect view of your tattoo and ass. it read: heaven. “thanks.” she said when you handed it to her.

“no problem.” the two of you took a swing form the bottles, fresh beer spilling down your throat. somehow it didn’t help with how hot you were feeling.

“so tell me. how has new york treated you?” she inquired and you shrugged.

“it was alright. kinda busy with college.”

“oh yeah… as if college were everything you’ve been up to, huh?” she teased you, and you chuckled.

“what do you want to know, shane?” you squinted your eyes. “that the parties are amazing there? that the girls are hot?” she smiled.

“yeah, that’s more like it…” she drank again. there was this easy-going atmosphere in between the two of you. you liked it. you thought it would be harsher to face her. but she was shane. how could it be? she always made you feel safe. “see you’ve gotten more tattoos…” her eyes eyes your arms, where some of them stood. “i like them.”

“oh, yeah. have this friend back in the city that would do them for free if she could practice on me.” you laughed, showing them to her. she took your arm, soft fingertips drawing over their lines .

“well, she’s got talent, i’d give you that.” she whistled.

“yeah. taught me how to stick and poke and everything.” you laughed at her shocked expression.

“no fucking way… you tattoo?” you nodded.

“yeah, so if you ever want a new one just hit me up, i still owe you one.”

“true. the hummingbird. how’s it holding?” you pulled down your pants and panties to show it to her, soft skin in display. “might need a little ink.” she hummed, and you pushed your pants back to their spot. you might need something else.

shane tried to ignore the little speck of ink that she saw more towards your center when you pulled your pants down, but it left her with curiosity running through her veins.

you stared at each other, green eyes on yours for a couple of long seconds before she looked away, beer on hand. she couldn’t.

“where’s your dad?” she inquired, and you sighed.

“she’s out by the pool, getting the grill ready.” she nodded.

“see you later?” you nodded, and saw her go outside, being welcomed by her friends.

well… you were fucked.

-

summer in LA was hot. really hot. and shane prancing around your house with one of her wife beaters and tight jeans wasn’t of much help. you could see her arms bulge as she helped your dad put up a new relaxing space on your garden, where he’ll build a wooden ceiling and put up a few couches for you to relax by the pool.

you were currently taking a swim, small black bikini accentuating your perfect body. it was hard to say shane was having a great time.

“hey kid. enjoying the pool?” she inquired, wiping the sweat off her forehead. it was already almost night, the sunset already had been engulfed by the ocean.

you looked up at her, resting against the edge, cleavage on full and exposure.

“really. the water is so refreshing…” you smiled.

“shane!” your father called out for her. “i’m going out to buy some bear. want anything?” he inquired.

“marlboro reds?”

“got it.” she thanked him as he took his keys and left through the main door, leaving the two of you alone. you bit down on your lip at the thought of it.

“hey shane?” you muttered.

“yeah?”

“can i tell you something?”

“anything.” she nodded.

“bend over.” you whispered, and she followed, kneeling on one knee by the pool so she could get closer to you, and just as you were about to part your lips, your wet fingers gripped on her shirt, pulling her inside the pool. she was gasping for air as she came back up to the surface, wiping the water out of her face as you laughed so hard your stomach hurt. “oh god! you should have seen your face!!!”

“oh yeah? you think this is funny?” she chuckled, pointing at her wet clothes. the white wife beater let her nipples show now. you tried not to state too much.

“totally.” you nodded, taking a step back when she step closer.

“com’here.” she ordered, waving her hand.

“nah, i’m cool here.” you laughed, and shrieked when she jumped at you. “no!!”

“oh, so now the princess is begging for mercy, huh?” you sputtered as her fingers tickled you, grabbing at your sides. “how’s that? who’s laughing now, hm?” she muttered as you begged her to stop, trying to get rid of her hold. “yeah, that’s what i thought.” she left you breathless when she finally decided to let you go, although you two were close, your back against the wall of the pool.

you looked at her, and chuckled slightly at the messy state of her hair, which now stood completely drenched hiding her eyes and getting all over her face.

“what?”

“your hair. is… wait. let me.” your soft fingertips made contact with the skin of her face, pushing away the strands and behind her ear.

“thanks.” she muttered.

“you’re welcome.” you two stared at each other, realizing just how close you were. your eyes drifted to her chest, which rose and lowered in deep breaths, her perky nipples hard against the white of her tank top.

she stared at you. at your long eyelashes, flushed cheeks due to the lack of air and laughter and your glossy plump lips. somehow you two just ended closer, the hands that had tickled you still on your hips, burning your skin. your eyes met, and after a couple of seconds she looked away, clearing your throat and letting go of you, leaving you freezing.

“fuck. now i’m completely drenched.” she looked at her clothes.

“you could borrow some of mine.” you shrugged, and she scoffed. “what? i’m sure some of my clothes will fit you, shane. or do you want to get your leather seats wet?”

“fuck no.” her nose wrinkled up, and you chuckled.

“just what i thought.” you muttered, swimming towards the stairs and dipping your hair underneath the water one more time before getting out the pool. shane tried really hard to not stare at the perfect view of your ass. your dad would kill her. your dad will kill her. why was she even staring at you this way? for gods sake she had seen you grow up…

you turned around, and she quickly looked you in the eyes. “you coming or not.”

oh for sure.

“yeah.” she said before following after you.

-

“are you sure you know how to do this shit?” she inquired for like the eleventh time, and you rolled your eyes. “hey, i just want to make sure you don’t fuck it up, alright? i’ll live with it for the rest of my life.”

“shane, i’m positive. you’re not the first person i tattoo, alright?” you promised, getting the needles and ink ready.

“cool. cool.” she nodded, laying on your bed. your room stood frozen in your teenage years, full of books and pictures and posters. you even had your favorite music records (at least the ones you’ve had to leave behind for college). it gave you this nostalgic feeling that you couldn’t shake off your bones. your father was out with some of his friends, and you and shane had ended up meeting up to tattoo each other. “but-“ she tried and sit back up, but you pushed her down, pointing one of your fingers at her.

“shut the fuck up.” you ordered, and she rose her hands.

“okay.”

she was going for a simple design. a scorpion on her forearm. you’d done some before, so it would be easy. you’d also made a stencil for her, so you would be fine.

you prepped and disinfected everything, putting on your gloves. “okay. where do you exactly want it?” you inquired her, and she pointed at the place where she thought would look best and you nodded, placing the stencil there to let her see if she’d like it.

“yeah, i like it.” you nodded once again.

“alright. then i guess we’re ready. it won’t take a lot, if it hurts too much just let me know and we’ll take a break.” she scoffed.

“who do you think i am?” she sassily inquired and you rolled your eyes.

“hope you choke on your words, mccutcheon.” you shook your head, taking her arm and leaning over to start tattooing her.

“huh, you wish.” she smirked, taking a glimpse of your cleavage. she breathed deeply, squeezing her eyes shut. come on shane. focus.

those fucking nipple piercings… shit. no. don’t think about that.

you noticed her silence and you decided to check up on her.

“you alright?”

“hm?” she seemed distracted. how couldn’t she be? “oh yeah. don’t worry.” of course it wasn’t like she were thinking about your tits. absolutely not. “so… had any girlfriends in new york?” yeah, let’s change the subject.

you sighed and shrugged. “i mean… not really. messed up around but never got serious, you know what i mean?” she smirked, surprised.

“do tell…” you chuckled, playfully hitting her on the arm.

“what about you?” you inquired, trying to not sound so interested. although you were. you truly were.

“could say the same. you know me.” you nodded, and hid your excitement. so she was single.

she stared at you as you worked. fuck. you were so beautiful. new york had changed you so much. you had always been, but now, there was this… something about you she couldn’t put her finger on. she just knew she couldn’t pull her eyes away from you. and that was no good.

“okay. i’m done.” you smiled, wiping over the tattoo to stare at the end result.

“now that’s amazing.” she whistled, taking a look at it. it hadn’t hurt at all.

“told you…” you muttered and she scoffed.

“oh i’m sorry for being scared, you’re the first kid i let near me with a needle.” you rolled your eyes. there was that nickname again. kid.

did she really still looked at you like one?

she noticed your silence.

“hey. you okay?” you pushed away her touch, nodding.

“yeah, i’m fine.” no you were not. what the hell did you have to do for shane to look at you? would it always be like this? will you always be running after her? “so… you up for retouching my tattoo?” you asked and she nodded.

“yeah, sure. could i borrow your gun, though? i’m not that good at stick and poke.” you gave it to her, along with some ink, gloves and new needles.

you got up from your seat, unbuckling your pants. shane tried to not look at you as you pushed them down your thighs, leaving you in a pretty lace pair of panties. her eyes continuously drifted from you to the tattoo gun as you sat on your bed, legs spread as she sat in front of you. there was no comfortable way she could tattoo you in your room, and having her in between your legs, leaning over and so close to your barely clothed center somehow felt more intimate than the first time around. she looked at you as her fingertips made contact with the skin of your hip bone, carefully pulling your panties down just the slightest to disinfect the zone. your cheeks were burning up when her soft low voice caught your attention. “you ready?” you nodded. “alright. if you need me to stop just say the word.” and then there was the buzzing of the tattoo gun and that burning feeling of the needle breaking your skin. you hissed. you knew it was a sensitive spot, but you always forgot how sensitive.

you thanked god the tattoo was small, ‘cause you couldn’t really look at shane too much without thinking about things you shouldn’t be thinking about. she looked so good in between your legs, hair falling messily in her eyes, tongue sticking out and glossing her lips in concentration. the things you’ve thought about that tongue, the nights you’ve imagined her in this same exact position but with less clothing. this was turning you on. it shouldn’t be turning you on.

“fuck.” you groaned. and she looked at you.

“you’re doing good, just hold on a little bit more for me, alright?” you almost moaned. fuck. and now she was praising you. one particular harsh swipe of the needle almost had you gripping her hair. you could feel her breathing against your skin.

this was all too much.

“shane…” you sighed, your hips twitching upwards involuntarily due to the pain.

“i know baby, i know. i’m halfway there.”

you tried to hold in the need to move, but it hurt, and you were getting horny. there wasn’t much you could do. at one particular point, she had to harshly grip your hip with her free hand, pushing you against the duvet. “don’t move.” she ordered, and you bit down on your lip. holy fuck. this looked so much like those dreams you’d have about her…

you could feel your pussy throbbing.

shane was trying her best to keep her composure. but jesus christ, you were writhing under her, letting out this little pained sounds and you were just in a pair of panties and a tank top. it was making it hard for her. you were making it hard for her.

the room was sticky with tension. she could see the peeking of your pubic hair since she had pulled your underwear down, and your skin was so soft…

focus. focus. focus.

but then…

fuck. you were wet. you were soaked.

her green eyes met the wet patch forming on your panties, and she forgot what she was supposed to be doing. hell, she even forgot the fact that you were her best friend’s daughter.

you perked up at the feeling of her stoping with the tattoo.

“shane?” you called out for her, and then you were letting out this sound in between a moan and a gasp when you felt her fingers pushing in between your lips and over the cloth, slowly, teasingly. “oh fuck. what are you doing?” you gasped in a whisper, your hips rutting against her touch. she smirked.

“me? i’m not doing anything.” she looked at you, and slowly leaned closer to you, leaving this soft peck on your thigh. you shuddered. “tell me to stop…” she whispered. it was more like a begging. she needed you to tell her that this was wrong. that she shouldn’t be touching you right now. that it was a really stupid idea. she was your dad’s best friend. and yet…

“i can’t…” your hand laced on her hair when she started softly kissing your skin, lip in between your teeth. you wanted her. you’ve wanted her for so long… “please…”

you whimpered when her fingers bumped against your throbbing and sensitive clit, your hips bucking against her touch. “what’s this, hm?” your cheeks were beet red, thighs trembling under her green stare. “tell me baby, this all for me?” she inquired, leaving a wet kiss on your thigh and you nodded, muttering a ‘yes’ that had her short of breath.

your back arched when she kissed you on top of your panties, her tongue licking the arousal that dampened the lace. at the same time, her hands grabbed at the seam of your panties, slowly pulling them down your hips and thighs. that’s when she finally caught a glimpse of that tattoo that she had barely seen the day of your party. it was above your mound. and it said: ‘lucky you’.

shane smirked, chuckling. “lucky me…” your cheeks reddened, but all shyness and embarrassment disappeared when her fingers dipped in between your drooling folds, connected by strings of your arousal. shane felt her mouth watering. “such a pretty pussy.” you felt so exposed, but at the same time you just wanted to open up your legs for her, let her see every little crevice of you.

you let out this pornographic sweet moan when her tongue draw a long fat strip from your entrance to your clit, softly suckling on it and making your thighs squeeze her head, what made her groan and bury her face deeper into your pussy.

“fuck…” you cried out, your hands meeting her short messy dark hair, tugging at it. why did it felt so good?

she pushed your legs over her shoulders, her warm hands on your thighs as she sucked on your clit, sticking her tongue out for you to ride her face when you’d hump against her. that was until you felt one finger prodding against your hole, easily pushing inside your tight and warm walls due to how wet you were. “that’s it. open up for me, doll.” she hummed when you whimpered, starting to thrust it in and out of you, your arousal thick and white on her knuckles as you thrusted yourself on her finger and mouth.“taste so good…” she couldn’t get enough, eating you like a starved woman.

“shane.” you whined when she added her ring finger, stretching you out. and how could she resist when you sounded so sweet moaning her name? she just wanted to get more of those sounds out of you, make you cum over and over again until the only thing you could remember was her name.

she groaned. “look at you, fuck. so fucking pretty. what would your dad think, hm? her little girl letting his best friend fuck her like this.” you moaned, pulling from her hair. “oh you liked that, huh? like the idea of your daddy catching me with my tongue on your cunt, baby?” you blushed, embarrassed to like the idea of it, the adrenaline rushing through your veins making the pleasure enhance. her fingers constantly hitting your g spot had you so close to the edge… “of course you do…” she smirked, sucking on your clit. you cried out her name, your hips pushing against her mouth. “you close, princess?” you nodded, biting down on your lip. “cum for me, baby. cum on my face. i’ll clean it all up for you.” she muttered, licking at your folds before latching onto your clit. your back arched. that encouragement being all you needed to fall apart, thighs shaking as your high hit you like a tidal wave with a high pitched moan. she groaned at the taste of your white creamy cum on her tongue, lapping at it in need, the wet sounds of her tongue pushing into you and licking in between your lips filling your room. she kept finger-fucking you to help you ride off your orgasm, sucking at your clit to extend it.

you swore you could see stars on your room’s ceiling, thighs shaking and breathing ragged. it had been the best orgasm of your life.

shane finished cleaning you up, swallowing every last bit of your cum before pulling her fingers out of you and pushing them inside your mouth. her green eyes met yours as you cleaned them for her. and you could just think about the fact that you had just fucked your dad’s best friend.

and how much you wanted to do it again…

-

a/n; 😶‍🌫️

#shane mccutcheon smut #l word shane #shane l word #shane mccutcheon #shane smut #shane mccutcheon x you #shane fluff #shane mccutcheon x reader #shane x reader #shane angst #shane mccutcheon fluff #shane mccutcheon x fem! reader #the l word fan fiction #the l word smut #the l word x reader #the l word

[yrsdf]

18+ MINORS DO NOT INTERACT

dom!mike x babysitter/virgin!reader

warning! age gap (m 25 , r 19)

also in my stories he's 6'0 not 5'5 ;-)

NOT PROOFREAD

you'll thank me later

you knew by heart that mike was not to be messed with when he had one of those shifts, the shifts that had him coming home with the struggle of the keys outside the door, which had only frustrated him even more which then proceeded with the slam of the door behind him as he'd enter the house and the deep sigh he would let out as he stood there for a minute, usually he would be silent and you'd know the usual, you knew on the nights he was mad that you had to stay quiet just out of respect (and to avoid his glare), he would pay you in cash and you'd leave, but tonight was different.

It was one of his bad nights at the pizzeria , really... bad night, you had stayed over to watch abby as you usually did and tonight she had gone over to her bestfriends house for a birthday party/sleepover, it was pouring rain out you could hear the rain as it poured down onto the house, you sat on the couch warmed by a blanket and distracted by some stupid QVC that only came on at the late night hours, you were fascinated on the crazy prices on the rings the man was showcasing on the television.

"twelve thousand for a ring...that's a bit absurd."

you mumbled lowley at yourself, followed by a awkward giggle you for some reason needed to let out, maybe so you didn't feel so alone in the house, time went by and your pocked made a low "bzzzzz" noise followed by the feeling of its vibration in your pocket, you took the phone out and flipped it open reading the message mike had sent you

(I'll be home late, feel free to stay the night .)

you send back a simplistic thanks in response, mike didn't like you driving in the rain which you always thought was sweet of him, some nights you'll stay until morning just so you wouldn't have the dangers of tackling a wet road, and idiotic drivers, although his couch was definitely old, and hard to sleep on you took the offer, thankful for the gesture.

You stood up stretching, arching your back and twisting which rewarded you with a satisfying back pop which you definitely needed, and you waltzed down the hallway and into the bathroom so you could take a shower, just as you would every night either at his place or yours. Usually you had a bag with you in case you would stay at mikes but just like any irresponsible mistake you seem to make, leaving important things at home was your most famous mistake. but you shrugged your mistake off and walked into mikes room, you snagged a folded shirt from his open drawer that he probably left open in his tired rush to work.

you finished showering and stepped out, using a towel to dry yourself off and slipped the shorts you already had on previously, and then slipped his shirt on you looked at yourself in the mirror and noticed the size of his shirt on you, you never really noticed the difference between you too, you wrapped your hair back up in the towel and left the bathroom, the steam from the hot shower followed behind you and you bumped into mike by accident, you must not have heard him come home and you looked up at him, he was definitely pissed, his gaze burning down at you, you felt small with the way he was looking down at you, as you slowly shut the bathroom door behind you his eyes were wandering, he noticed the size of his shirt on you, and how it hid your curves. your eyes met his again, you noticed he was giving you a look something primal something hungry in a sense and you tilted your head to the side in curiosity.

"Are you alright mikey?"

he took no time to respond, he had a hand on the side of your face and the other on the curve of your side. he guided you to the door your back pressing against it, he took advantage of this position, using the hand on your jaw he lifted your chin kissing you neck softly at first, you let out soft whimpers, he abruptly bit your neck, his fangs piercing you slightly causing you to jolt slightly, he licked where he bit to soothe it and continued on littering you neck in soft kisses, occasionally leaving hickies where he wanted them.

he lowered himself onto his knees and his dilated brown eyes connected with yours before he put his focus to your shorts, he took his time removing the clothing from your lower half, but he kept the shirt on you, he lowered your panties and let them fall to your feet where your shorts were, his kissed your knee first, moving his way up and attached his lips to the innards of your thigh, you let out a soft moan as you squirmed, his mouth sucking a harshly dark hickey onto your inner thigh, he detached his lips and looked back up at you

"i'm gonna take good care of you, i promise"

he said this followed with his signature grin, he attacked his lips to your clit, tongue moving in figure eights onto it, his hands gripping harshly into the back of your thighs to prevent you from moving, he soaked up all your juices, soaking himself in your scent, and taste. you squirmed and squealed, your moaning loud and uncontrolled... god were you happy abby wasn't home, your hands gripped his hair, you were grinding against his mouth and he knew you were growing close, he could tell by the way you were thrashing and mumbling unknown words, you gripped his hair roughly as you finished his tongue helped you through your high and he detached himself from you he looked up wiping his mouth.

"god...you taste amazing, can't wait to feel you wrapped around me."

his hands now lifted you up and over his shoulder, he worked his way into the kitchen and sat you on the island. you watched as he got his wallet from his back pocket and flipped it open grabbing a condom from it, he sat the wallet on the counter beside you and he unbuckled his pants. his eyes now back on yours as he stepped between your opened legs.

"oh look at you... such a mess because of me, right pretty girl?"

you nodded in response as he let his pants fall to his ankles, he worked his boxers down and his size was definitely surprising. he noticed your mouth opened slightly and took this opportunity placing his thumb into your mouth and pressing down on your tongue, he worked his condom onto his shaft. the grip of his thumb in your mouth, and finger on your chin dragged your attention up to him, he was aware of you being a virgin.

"hey, hey.. eyes on me bunny, keep them right on me alright.?"

again you nodded, letting out a whimper as he ran the tip of his cock through your folds, eventually sinking half of himself into you, satisfied by the gasp you let out as he entered you, he shoved the rest in as far as possible as he waited for you to be comfortable with him continuing.

"more...please"

you slurred out due to the thumb in your mouth, which he moved both hands placing one on the counter top beside you and the other wrapping around your underarms, which would brace you for his pace, he thrusted in you at a unbearable speed your moans loud and pornagraphic, your head fell back as you grew close already, his cock hitting your gspot in the perfect way which caused your second orgasm to drown you, your legs shook against his hips and your body jolted and trembled as he kept his pace steady giving you no time to adjust, you were dumb fucked, your body only upright because of the arm he had around you, you were drooling, eyes rolling back followed by your head struggling to stay upright, his teeth sunk into your neck as he grew close, you could hardly moan, silently letting out whimpers with your mouth hung wide open, his pace relentless and unbroken as the sound of skin smacking filled the once silent house, you were close to a third orgasm as he neared his first, his teeth dug into your shoulder drawing blood as the two of you came in sync, he let out a low growl against your skin as your body trembled and shook, his pace slowed as he removed his teeth from your shoulder, but he looked at you, noticing that you were asleep. he placed a soft kiss upon your cheek.

(plz comment ur thoughs)

#mike schmidt smut #mike schmidt x reader #fnaf #fnaf movie #x reader #yrsdf fic

[cal-flakes]

touch starved reader with dealer!rafe? i feel like that would be really cute

DEALER!RAFE DEALER!RAFE DEALER!RAFE

╰┈➤ touch starved with dealer!rafe

warnings: mentions of violence and drugs.

summary: touch starved reader, new relationship with dealer!rafe.

the gentle rain pooled around her feet, soaking her shoes. she sat on the side of the road, chest heaving as she sobbed into her frail hands.

another argument with her drunken father resulted in another temporary eviction as he threw her clothes outside onto the wet grass.

her hands trembled as she fiddled around for her phone, looking for somebody to call. as she scrolled through her limited contacts her eyes landed on rafe’s number.

she was hestitant at first, she knew he was probably busy and didn’t want to bother him, but he was also her only option.

pressing the phone button, a shaky hand held the device up to her ear, desperate for an answer.

“hey, you okay?” a raspy voice called out. a huff of relief blew from her nose. “r-rafe?” she stuttered.

“yeah baby, what’s up?” he spoke, concerned. “do you think you could pick me up?” she whimpered, tears threatening to fall once again. “yeah of course, drop a pin and i’ll be there”

“okay, thank you..” mumbling, she tapped the phone a few more times and sent him her location.

y/n was embarrassed if anything, she always handled her problems alone. mostly because she’d taught herself not to rely on anyone, not since her mom had abandoned her.

her and rafe hadn’t been together very long, she’d met him at a party when she attempted to buy a bag from him, instead paying with her phone number.

they weren’t exactly official, but whenever he wasn’t busy, they’d spend almost every day together.

within minutes, rafe’s range rover screeched as he turned the corner, pulling up beside her.

he leapt out of the car and crouched down, draping his jacket around her shoulders. she flinched at the sudden touch as he helped her up, walking her to the passenger side.

the drive to tannyhill was comfortably quiet, rafe’s hand rested on her thigh as she tapped her foot.

pulling into the drive way, he took the chance to look over her frame. her sunken eyes were bloodshot, tears dried along her flushed cheeks.

his knuckles turned white as his eyes fell on her now ripped top. “what happened there?” he asked tentatively, motioning to the tear.

y/n clutched her chest, attempting to shrink away from his prying eyes. “it’s nothing..”

sighing, he hopped out and went to the other side, helping her out by her arm.

y/n entered his house through the front door, rafe following closely behind.

she’d been to his house many times, and every one of them she was amazed by the extravagance of it.

“do you mind if i take a shower?” she squeaked, avoiding his gaze. “no, yeah of course, you know where it is” he gestured upstairs.

after washing and changing into some of his clothes, she made her way back downstairs, trying her best to be quiet.

she didn’t want to be a burden, she knew he was a busy man, the lifestyle he lived wasn’t exactly stress free.

about to turn the corner, she overheard him on the phone. “yeah man, it’s the fourth apartment on park drive..” her eyes widened, “nah, dont do nothing like that, just scare him a bit yeah?”

the fourth apartment on park drive was her dads place. y/n mentally cursed herself for not covering the rip in her shirt. guilt washed over her for a split second, she didn’t mean for her father to get hurt, as much as he deserved it.

she couldn’t begin to imagine what rafe assumed had happened, it wasn’t anything crazy, or at least to her it wasn’t.

she was used to it. she’d get home from work, do her chores, and if they weren’t good enough, she’d go to sleep with bruises.

choosing to ignore what she’d heard, she continued to the kitchen, knocking on the open door to catch his attention.

looking up, he quickly bid his goodbyes to whoever before turning his attention to her.

a tight lipped smile appeared on his face as he met her eyes. the tears were gone and the colour in her face had returned.

she beamed up at him from the doorway, almost drowning in his hoodie that lingered around her mid-thigh.

“you have a nice shower angel?” she nodded, stepping towards him to lean against his chest. “it was great, thank you rafe..” she muttered, releasing a content sigh as she closed her eyes.

his closeness was incredibly comforting for her, she couldn’t remember the last time anyone had wrapped their arms around her the way rafe did, every time he saw her.

“would you come and lie down with me?” she pouted, staring up at him through her lashes.

he didn’t need to be asked twice, before she could blink she’d been hoisted up, legs wrapped around his waist while he sauntered over to the couch.

he lay along the cotton cushions, leaving her straddling him as she rested on top of him.

“you gonna tell me what happened with your dad?” he questioned, cupping her cheeks.

“can we talk about it tomorrow? im sleepy..” she murmured, all energy gone from her voice. he agreed and laid her head back down, stroking her hair until she dozed off.

a quiet buzz on his phone broke his trance, and he grabbed it from the table beside him.

he read the text barry had sent. ‘done’

rafe let out a huff of air, turning back to a now fast asleep y/n. he pressed a soft kiss to her head, holding her jaw with his palm gently.

“you’re safe now angel…”

#rafe cameron x reader #rafe cameron x fem!reader #outer banks #rafe cameron #outerbanks rafe #dom!rafe #obx #rafecameron #rafe obx #protective!rafe #dealer!rafe #soft!rafe cameron

[kittyscupcakeandbunny]

Made by me

The Masterlist

CRAZY OVER YOU

[HYBRID AU]

[FINISHED]✅

Side Characters: Namjoon/doctor, Seokjin/doctor, Taehyung/Hybrid Tiger, Jungkook/Bunny Hybrid, Hoseok/assistant.

Warnings: Smut, mentions of blood, sharp objects, rut, beast behavior.

Genre: Fantasy, hybrids au, smut.

SUMMARY》 Yoongi is a black mamba hybrid one of rarest species of hybrids, who’s about to be put down due to his lack of interest in living. But everything changes after the new medical assistance (y/n) takes a liking to him. Meeting after meeting he realise his feelings for her are not the only thing growing.

INTRO - In the books they say

ONE - Love at first bite

TWO - Bath me with your love

THREE - Hungry for your love I

FOUR - The truth untold II

FIVE - Bitter taste, Jealousy and bites

SIX - Take Me Home

SEVEN - The last bite OUT NOW

SET ME FREE

[MAFIA AU]

On Going

Side Characters: Min Yoongi as Agust D/Mafia boss, Jung Hoseok as Jack/Concierge, Namjoon/Police detective, Jungkook/Police detective, Park Jimin/thief and gang leader, Taehyung/Mafia member FBI Mole, Paradise owner. Jin/unknown, Busan/Mafia boss.

Warnings: This story contains nsfw content (descriptive blood, gore, etc.) as well as sexual content. Mentions may include violence, consumption of alcohol, explicit sexual interactions, sharp objects, knife play, description of injuries, themes of major horror and also explores obsessive behaviors and codependency, robbery, killing, guns, torturing, fire, toxic yandere men, violence, possessive behaviour, unhealthy relationships.

SUMMARY: You made it. Now a police intern as you always promised to your father before he died, you were more than happy to finally be able to help people like he did. But the law was not what you expected to be like. You did not know how lonely it would be for a young woman to grow her career in this kingdom. Having to take care of your 18 year old brother wasn't easy too and things just got a lot worse when you've met Agust D. The king of the mafia Min. He sure knew how to make a life turn into a hell hole.

INTRO

ONE - Red Chopsticks

TWO - I’ll find you in a dark Paradise

THREE - A deal with the devil

FOUR - Welcome to my world

FIVE - Good girl gone bad COMING SOON

SIX - Dance with the devil COMING SOON

7 FINAL DESTINATION - LILITH

BREATH OF FIRE

[HYBRID GODS AU]

On Going

Side characters: Park Jimin/White fox hybrid.

Warnings: Mentions of blood, death, violence, sharp objects, suggestive words, smut, alcohol, killing.

Genre: Fantasy, romance, strangers to lovers, R +18.

SUMMARY: Did you know a fox only mates once in their life? For almost 400 years Min Yoongi never mated before, all theses years of emptiness and loneliness. He had tried so many times to end with his own hands. Until one night a hint of sweet and fire blows towards his nose, the smell was something he never felt before. And blood. Running for your life you felt hopeless in front of a lake, two man following you behind. Their disgusting smiles and eyes savoring your female body, you knew what they would do but you'd rather die. It all started with fire.

INTRO - Run little girl

ONE - Wood, cinnamon and honey.

TWO - Please wash away this blood on my skin

THREE - A taste of honey and dreams

FOUR - A rise from the shadows (coming soon)

FIVE - Lost in two words (coming soon)

SIX - coming soon

SEVEN - FINAL BREATH coming soon

BUNNY BUNS

[HYBRID AU]

COMING SOON

Side Characters: Yoongi/black cat hybrid, Hoseok/human, Taehyung/golden hybrid.

Warnings: Smut, violence, mentions of blood. And finally some fluff.

SUMMARY: Jungkook needed to hide. He was on the run. And what better place for a bunny hybrid to hide then a Bunny coffee shop? How could he resist? You smelled sweet and looked nice. All it took was one smile of yours and a bunny bread and he was on all fours for you.

INTRO - Bunny on the run

ONE - Bunnies don’t like water ( coming soon)

TWO - Carrot Cake 🥕(coming soon)

THREE - Bunny in the kitchen coming soon

FOUR - I’ll take care of you coming soon

FIVE - Bunny on the run coming soon

SIX - The last Bun. Coming soon.

ONE SHOTS

Coming soon

YOONGI

My Best Friends Crush

Characters: Min Yoongi/music theory Teacher, Jung Hoseok/dance teacher, Jungkook/art and design student, Jimin/danc student, reader/art student.

Genre: strangers to lovers, forbidden love?

Warnings: mentions of explicit language, sexual references(smutty material), consumption of alcohol, age difference.

Summary: “my whole life I always hated rules and protocols, growing to fin comfort on art as I could express myself unapologetically and freely. But there was one rule I made with myself; never fall in love with your friend crush.

With my rebellious nature, it was bound to be broken but I just never meet someone who would take that seriously.”

HOSEOK

JIMIN

JUNGKOOK

JIN

NAMJOON

TAEHYUNG

#bts fanfiction #bts smut #bts x you #bts yoongi #yoongi smut #yoongi x reader #bts suga #jimin x reader #jimin smut #jimin fanfic #bts namjoon #namjoon fanfic #namjoon smut #jung hoseok x y/n #jung hoseok smut #hoseok smut #hoseok x reader #jung hoseok x you #jhope smut #j hope fanfic #j hope x you #jhope #jungkook x reader #jungkook smut #jungkook x you #jungkook x y/n #jungkook fanfic #yoongi mafia #seokjin fanfic #seokjin x y/n

[two-white-butterflies]

old money | carlos sainz

Description: He falls in love with a crazy rich asian.

Pairing: carlos sainz/heiress!reader

taglist form

Carlos Sainz never felt nervous when he attended press conferences. He never felt nervous before a race - but he felt nervous meeting your family. He grew up in Spain, he's raised in a European way - and you always told him that the Asian way was different.

"Carlito, they'll love you." you comforted him while taking a casual sip of your champagne. He was surprised to enter the airport and find out that his first class seats were upgraded to business class. Courtesy of who your family was. "I don't know how to act around them." he buried his face in the plane provided pillow.

"Hey, we practiced this a thousand times." you added with a playful smile. Your family was going to love him. Yes, he was an outsider but he played a sport that they could actually boast - unlike your sister's boyfriend that was always on reserve. "I'm so nervous," he chuckled.

Carlossainz55: MAD🇪🇸 to SIN🇸🇬 ✈️

1283 comments 238,233 likes

ketchupmustard67: Ariana what r u doing here 😭

kelseyjaja: OMG YOUR IN SINGAPORE???? AAAAAAA

Carlos couldn't believe that you were this rich. He always assumed that money wasn't a problem with you - but he didn't realize that money will never be a problem to you. He tried to buy an apartment in Singapore a few years ago - but he turned it down after realizing how much it costed. After stepping inside your family's penthouse. He couldn't believe how much it costed.

"You're early," your mother smiled - wrapping you in a warm embrace. "Yes, I was under the impression that there's going to be a flight delay - but thank god that there wasn't one." you mumbled, breaking free from her vice-like grip. You leaned into Carlos' body. Placing a hand around his back while you pushed him closer to your mother.

"This is my boyfriend, Carlos." you greeted and he was quick to mumble strings of appreciation. He complimented the house - then your mother's outfit. He was getting all the brownie points.

He let out a sigh of relief when your mother welcomed him inside. He removed his shoes, thanking the maid when she handed him a clean pair of plastic slippers. "We bought this house shortly after Y/N went to college. She's the last one to leave the nest. I was happy because we could finally buy nice things." your mother took a jab at you.

"Feel at home, dinner will start soon." she smiled, leaving the both of you while she walked inside the kitchen.

Carlos was awe-struck.

He adored your mansion in Turks and Caicos. He adored your endless rants about how Bruce Willis used to own the island, but now he couldn't help but adore you. He couldn't help but believe that he was making the right choice - you were humble. He liked that.

"The entire apartment is wow," he whispered in your ears.

"Yep, mama got some help. My grandmother's sister-in-law is an interior designer - but I kinda wished that she asked for my help." you giggled, leaning deeper into his touch.

mysecretaccount55: he met mama's crusty musty dog.

9 comments 192 likes

frederic.arnault: his name is oreo ! - mysecretaccount55: wow i didn't know that 🤣

cheskaarnault: Will be there soon. Please tell mama to wait for us. Sun is still out, dinner is at seven. - mysecretaccount55: nah y u starving me.

notcarlossainz55: Oreo bites 😂 - mysecretaccount55: he has no teeth

Your family was the black sheep of the old money community. You were the only family that seemed to be private and public at the same time. It all started when your older sister, Cheska, married that Arnault guy - it was all anyone could talk about. From Brunei to Palau - all they could talk about was how Frederic's family was the opposite of humble.

'The boy has money, but they're too showy with their wealth.'

'Money can't buy name.'

Your parents assumed that the last hurrah would come from your younger sister, who is currently engaged to a mid-tier basketball player. But they were wrong - because Carlos Sainz was about to enter the frame.

"You play for Ferrari, right?" Frederic inquired while the music faded in the background. "Yes, you were there last time right?" your boyfriend inquired, memorizing Max's complaints about some stuck-up rich dude. "Ahh, oui. It was fun." the man nodded.

"He's not even that kind of french." your younger sister whispers.

You couldn't help but giggle.

Oh, this was going to be eventful.

"That went well," you hummed - walking out of your parent's apartment with newfound joy. "Tiring but surprisingly well," he placed your hand in his pocket.

"I had fun." he smiled.

#carlos sainz x reader #carlos sainz #c55 #carlos sainz social media au #carlos sainz x reader social media au #f1 social media au

[w2soneshots]

Can I request Harry x female reader smut based on the hide & seek sidemen challenge. Harry finds the reader and they think they can get a quickie in before anyone finds them but they get caught. Queue the funny hard launch and teases from everyone.

If you feel uncomfortable doing smut then Harry x female reader based on the holiday vs holiday vids. You’re invited to join them where a bond with Harry deepens, super cute moments that make it into the edit.

Hide & seek -W2S

Words: 0.8k+

Warnings: light smut, head (fem receiving).

In which the sidemen ask you to join their hide & seek video and you and Harry get up to no good.

a/n: I love this idea! (Also I know it’s not exactly like your request but I just started writing and sort of forgot lol)🤍

I've been with Harry for over three years now. We met during a YouTube event, exchanged numbers, went on a few dates, fucked, then he asked if I'd be his girlfriend, of course I said yes. Naturally I became good friends with the boys along with Talia, Faith and Freya. I've been in a few of there videos before and recently they asked if I'd be in a hide and seek, I immediately said yes.

Today is the day of the video. I woke up next to Harry. "Morning." I said groggily. "Good morning, sleep good?" He asked pulling me into his chest. I hummed "yea." We got up and out of bed soon after, got in the shower and got ready. I did my hair and makeup simple then walked into the kitchen to see Harry and grab some breakfast. He was fully ready, spreading butter over his toast. "Want some?" He asked over his shoulder. I nodded "yes please!"

Once we ate breakfast, we headed to the location of the shoot. When we arrived, after an hour and a half drive, Harry parked the car and we got out. "Oh my god, this place is crazy!" I said looking at the mansion. "Hey!" I said when I spotted JJ, me and him get along great, when I first started dating Harry he really made an effort to include me when we were at parties etc, which I really appreciated. "Hi, how are you?" He said pulling me into a friendly hug. "Good, good. You?" I responded. He smiled "Great!..." And went on to tell me all about some new music that he's been working on. Which I'm very excited to listen to.

They're filming "sidemen hide and seek in the most expensive house in London" so when everyone arrived the women who owned the house showed us around, also marking what areas were in and out of bounds. Then the camera men set up all of their cameras and filming began. "Ladies and gentlemen welcome to London's most expensive house, ever!" JJ began. "And we have a special guest, since we don't have Tobi we thought we'd invite someone else... y/n, since you loved her so much in the other videos!" JJ continued. The camera came up into my face, I smiled and waved. And everyone cheered. Then the video sprung straight into action, the boys immediately ran over to the massive zip line at the end of the hill below us. I stood next to JJ and laughed at their antics.

Soon everyone began hiding, I quickly found a spot in one of the rooms upstairs, it was small- a little bit like a wardrobe but could easily fit a few people. I sat on the floor, in the dark with my camera and waited. Soon I heard footsteps and stood up, then the door cracked open and I heard a gasp, "you scared the shit out of me!" Harry whispered. "Oh, it's you I thought you were JJ!" I said just as quietly. He stepped into the room. "You know... everyone's outside..." Harry said with a smirked. My mouth dropped into an O shape. "Harry!" I whisper, shouted and pushed my elbow into his chest. He slowly made his way down and onto his knees, then raised his eyebrows. I sighed then cheekily smiled "go on then." I whispered. His smirk grew bigger and he quickly pulled down my skirt along with my knickers. I gasped suddenly at the feeling of his tongue running through my folds. I grabbed his hair hard with my hand as he continued.

He stood up, smirk still plastered on his face. "Thank you, I'll remember that later." I said quietly into his ear and he groaned slightly. Suddenly the door swung open. Me and Harry both jumped back and our backs hit the wall. JJ along with Ethan and two camera men stood in front of us, thank god I'd already pulled my pants up. "Ha! Got ya!" JJ exclaimed. But Ethan looked at us with a funny face, "uh, what were you too doing in here?". I took in an unsteady breath "hiding?" I quickly replied. "You sure?" He said cocking a brow. "Yup." Harry said then moved past the boys and I quickly followed.

"Your hairs looking a little messy Harry." Ethan shouted after us with his signature laugh. After the video ended Ethan informed the rest of the group of what he'd seen and they immediately began teasing us. The teasing took a long time to die down but to be honest me and Harry both thought it was pretty hilarious.

#fanfic #image #oneshot #sidemen #harry lewis #harry w2s #w2s #w2s imagine #w2s x reader #w2s fic #wrotoshaw #wroetoshaw #smut #request #hide and seek #sidemen sunday

[elliespillowprincess]

SHES MY DRUG

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pt 1

pt 2

pt 3

a/n: this is my first ever (kinda) fic so it kinda sucks and is all over the place.. also this one will be a bit longer than the others! i hope to just make this an ongoing series with no real end? idk yet!!! it’s kinda all over the place

c/w: TIME SKIP??, modern au, reader is in med school, biker!ellie!!, rich!ellie… kinda toxic!ellie? angst, addiction, substance abuse, joel’s death makes an appearance, fluff, fem reader, plus size reader, insecure reader, race of reader not specified, smut, strap-on usage (r!receiving), cum eating, spit?, tribbing, fingering (r!receiving), breeding kink, TERRIBLY WRITTEN, not proofread

WHY YOU SHOULD NOT SUPPORT NEIL DRUCKMANN

✮ ✮ ✮ ✮ ✮ ✮ ✮ ✮ ✮ ✮ ✮ ✮ ✮ ✮ ✮ ✮ ✮ ✮ ✮ ✮

ELLIE WILLIAMS

her name is everywhere now. after leaving your town, her music had blown up more than ever before. 2 years had gone by since the two of you shared your last kiss, and for the first few months the two of you texted constantly.

ellie🤭: how’s my pretty girl?

ellie🤭: hoping to come back soon

tours been getting crazy

ellie🤭:

missing you

it felt like a dream, texting one of the worlds biggest rockstars while she was on tour, her sending photos of her adventures. but all dreams end in you waking up.

you: hey wyd?

you: hoping you’re coming back soon

you: hey ellie?

we haven’t talked in a bit

i miss you.

the dream ended. just like that, you were just another girl. after waiting for replies, you decided to move on. this fantasy wasn’t real, the dream was over. ellie was now famous for hooking up with her fans, videos popping up constantly of her leading them out of her concert and onto her bike, just like she did to you.

you were just another girl.

you graduated university as the top scholar in your small town, liliana just behind you. both of you applied to a med school in new york, both getting accepted. your best friend kept telling you you’ll forget her, but how could you? she was everywhere.

eventually, there were some days you could go by without thinking of her. you decided to quit drinking and smoking, and focus on schooling. you got your pleasure elsewhere; hooking up with whatever girl swiped right on you on tinder that day. they always looked a little like her. if they didn’t have that auburn hair, they had tattoos, if they didn’t have tattoos, they were a musician, etc.

“hey, y/n?” you hear a familiar voice say. “wanna go out tonight? i feel like we haven’t gotten to hangout in ages. you don’t have to drink or anything, promise!” liliana practically begs you. it was true, the two of you hardly had any time outside of schooling to hangout, so hesitantly, you agree. she tells you all about this new club that opened, how its invite only so there won’t be too many people, and how there’s surprise private performers. she got the invite from her boyfriend, and was allowed to bring one extra person: you. you decide to use the rest of your day off prior to your later plans to take an everything shower, shaving and exfoliating your whole body. when you get out, you go to your closet to pick out something to wear, still in your towel. your new wardrobe consisted of mainly business casual clothes and scrubs for lab days, so you push them away and dig through the back of your closet. you go through the pile of clothing, until you hit something hard. you grab it, pulling it into the light. when you realize what it was, you feel lightheaded.

it’s her helmet.

tossing it to the back with a pit in your stomach, you grab three random items of clothing, shutting the door. it was exactly what you wore when you first met her: a lacy cami, short black skirt, and a leather jacket. you threw the outfit on, hoping to cover up the old memories with new ones. after you touched up your makeup, you, andrew, and liliana started pregaming. you didn’t want to overdo it, but you also wanted a small buzz for this intimidating of a club. your plan was to leave around 9, it was 8:47. “i’m actually excited, i haven’t been this excited for an event in a while!” you say to the group, feeling a buzz. the three of you are laughing and talking until you get a notification, indicating the uber was there. driving to the club, the driver put on the radio. of course, it had to be her.

the loud music and sweaty atmosphere of the club made you feel dizzy. the only thing keeping you from running away was a tall girl eyeing you across the room. she had short, dark hair, freckles, and a sour face as she looked at you like prey: your type. after a while, you notice she comes up to you, asking if you want anything to drink. agreeing, you thank her and start talking. “where y’from angel?” she asks. “nowhere near here, i used to live in a small town, goldwhit grove?” she looks at you like you’re crazy, rolling her eyes. “never heard of it. hey wanna get outta here?” you look over to your friends, liliana dancing against andrew, and remember how mad she was last time you ran off with a girl without telling her. “i don’t know i’m here with my frie-“ your sentence was interrupted but the screams of the drunken club goers around you as they all flock to the front. looking over to the stage, you see who they’re going crazy over. and of course,

it’s her.

she was everywhere, it was like you couldn’t escape and forget her no matter how hard you tried. she’s stumbling all over the stage, and slurring her words. bras were being thrown at her, and she just had this stupid look on her face. like she was loving it. she was looking around the crowd, for what you assumed to be a girl to take back to her hotel, she made eye contact with you. it felt like the whole room went quiet, even though it was far from it. you wanted to scream, call her an ass, throw drinks at her. but found another solution. turning to the girl next to you, you began rubbing against her, feeling her biceps as she wrapped her arms around you, kissing your neck. you did all of this while making eye contact with her.

“i.. i um… sorry guys.. can’t-can’t perform t’night.” she says, rushing offstage. this makes you smile, knowing you got under her skin. you continued to dance against the stranger to whatever shitty music the club put on between performers. then, it felt like the world went back into focus, your phone buzzing in your hand waking you up. “hey hold on, gotta take this.” you say, lightly pushing the girl off of you and pulling out your phone.

???: what the fuck is wrong with you

who is that???

answer me y/n i’m not fucking around

the unfamiliar messages creeped you out, so you simply blocked the number and went back to the girl, making small conversation. then, another one.

???: don’t block me

can we talk??

come to the bathrooms

rolling your eyes, you type a response.

you: idk who you are but leave me alone

it’s weird

are u stalking me??

another.

???: please

abiding by this stranger could put you in a life or death situation, but all of the adrenaline from seeing ellie and the alcohol made you lose your senses. “hey, i’ll be right back. gotta use the bathroom.” you tell the stranger, making your way through the crowds into the shitty club bathrooms. as you approach it, it seems oddly quiet for a club bathroom. you walk in, and instantly feel a hand grab your wrist, pulling you in and locking the door. “hey what the fu-“

then you see who it is.

confusion turns to shock, shock turns to anger.

“what the fuck ellie? you really think you can just ditch me for 2 fucking years and just be like ‘surprise! i’m back!’” you yell at her, pushing her away. “i’m not playing your fucking games, i feel dumb for even thinking we had something! had me waiting months for you to reply just for you to get with any groupie you come across?” she’s not saying anything, and it only makes your blood boil even more. “are you just gonna fucking sit there? i’m trying to have a good night! i caught fucking feelings for you, you made me feel like i was worth actually fucking loving, and you just threw it all away!” she just sits there, letting you yell. “fucking say something!” your voice becoming weaker, trying not to cry. looking into her eyes, you can tell she’s on something. they’re red and blown out, she reeks of alcohol and weed.

“you’re wearing the outfit.” she says flatly, looking at your outfit. you laugh, actually laugh at her. the fact you just spilt your heart out and all she can do it’s compliment your physical traits. “oh.. oh my god. you- you got problems ellie.” you say with a huff, pushing her away and heading for the door. “i’m leaving, and i’m gonna go back to a girl that maybe actually gives two fucks about me, unlike you.” reaching for the handle, you feel her grab your waist and pull you to her back. “please, don’t go.” you sigh against her, starting to tear up. “let-lemme go ellie..” you barely try to fight her grip. she doesn’t do anything, just breathes you in. “don’t… don’t go, please.” she says softy against your neck, her voice cracking. it feels like you’re melting.

turning around, you look directly at her. “i want an explanation.” you say, wiping tears from your eyes. “you told me you’d come back, you told me you missed me. where did that all go?” you look at her with doe, tear-filled eyes. she just wraps her hands around your face and admires you. “it.. didn’t go anywhere. jus’ a lot happened okay? i just need you to believe me.” your faces are mere inches away, and she’s staring at you with pleading eyes. “how can i believe you ellie? you’re not even sober.” she just wraps her arms around your neck, pulling you in and hugging you.

then you start to hear crying- no, sobbing. she sobs into your shoulder, trying to speak but unable to get words out. she casts her spell on you once again, drawing you in and making you hug her back. “just… just tell me what happened okay?” she’s barely breathing, and you rub her back in an attempt to calm her down. “he- he died!! he fucking died!” she says between cries. “who? who died ellie?” you say softy into her ear. “joel! he- he took care of me i- i- was so mean to him!” she cries against you. “hey, hey it’s okay ellie, just breathe.” after a few minutes of her crying, she starts to breathe slower, eventually pulling back and wiping your face. “can.. can we go somewhere else please?”

it was like déjà vu, being back on ellie’s bike. you had her other helmet at your apartment, so she gave you hers instead. you were honestly scared, she looked intoxicated, but she assured you she was fine to drive. speeding through the streets of new york, you arrive at ellie’s penthouse, of course. the walk into the building in the ride up the elevator is quiet, the only noise coming from ellie sniffling.

unlocking the door on the top floor, she lets you in. the place was trash. liquor bottles, pill bottles, baggies with unknown substances, different girls clothes. you were a little disgusted, but ellie ushered you to her room, which was much cleaner in contrast. you hesitate to sit down, thinking about how many girls fucked her on that bed. “no girls have been in my bed, promise.” you hear her voice say, sitting down.

the two of you just sit there, waiting for the other to speak. she finally gets the nerves to, and starts off. “i just wanna say i’m sorry, y/n. you didn’t deserve any of this.” she looks over at you with hooded eyes and continues. “when he… died, i didn’t know what to do- it was when i was in london.” that was around the time she stopped texting. “i just.. turned to a lot of stuff for comfort. i didn’t know what to do- i know it’s not an excuse..” she stares at you, waiting for a response. “thought about you every fucking day. honestly.” your heart starts to melt. “i don’t expect you to forgive me, but let me make it up to you okay?” you nod silently. this doesn’t feel real. “please say something..” she begs. your eyes meet hers and you just word dump everything that’s been clouding your mind for the past two years.

“look, ellie, i understand where you’re coming from. i just.. i need you to know how much it hurt me, seeing you get with all those other girls, it made me feel ugly. inside and out.” her gaze softens and she unexpectedly pulls you in for a hug. “fuck. i’m so fucking sorry, y/n. you’re the most beautiful girl i’ve ever fucking seen.” she says, her head buried into your shoulder. “everytime i was with any of those girls, i thought about you. anytime i was anywhere doing anything, i thought about you.” her words contrast her actions, but her soft words and tears make you start to believe her.

you hug her back, the two of you laying down in her bed. it all feels so wrong, but so right, she was like an addiction; she was horrible for you but you just kept going back. she softly rubbed your hair, causing your eyes to feel heavier and heavier until you fall asleep in her arms.

fuck.

you wake up, and the first thing you see is ellie. she’s awake already. she smiles at you, a genuine smile. you on the other hand, look horrified. “goodmorning.” she says, pushing your hair out of your face. “how’d you sleep?” you’re lost for words at this point. you start to remember why you don’t drink anymore. “i.. um.. i gotta use the bathroom.” you mutter before getting up, grabbing your phone from her bedside table, and locking yourself in the bathroom. you open your phone.

lili🦄: wya?

you slipped off again

where’d u go?

hello?

dude don’t do this again

ur freaking me out.

is that u that i just saw leave?

i’m following u

who is that?

where are you going??

dude answer hello??

you reply with a spew of apologies, telling her you’re safe and you’ll be home soon. “y/n?” you hear ellie shout from another room. “i made breakfast!” what the fuck? it was like she was a different person, like nothing that happened in the past actually happened and the two of you were a happy couple. you unlock the bathroom door, creeping into the living room. your jaw dropped, it was spotless.

“wow! you uh.. really cleaned up the space?” she smiles at you, plating what looks like eggs, bacon, and toast. “couldn’t sleep. i know you usually wake up early so i slipped out of bed last night and made it back before you woke up.” she waves you over to the table. “come, eat.” you tiptoe to the table, still in your clothes from the club the night prior. sitting down, ellie sets your plate down, along with some water before sitting herself down across from her. it’s quiet, uncomfortable. she decides to break the silence before you start eating. “i’m done with the pills, y/n.” she says bluntly. it kind of takes you by surprise, not the fact that she’s doing it, but the fact she announced it so bluntly. “gonna better myself. better myself for you, us.” she says. her words almost feel like knives to your heart, why was she changing all of this now? “i know it’s late, but i want to be better.” you put a piece of bacon in your mouth, swallowing before speaking. “i’m glad, ellie.” you say softly. the meal remains quiet, but its shifts from an uncomfortable to a comfortable silence.

“hey, i have to go home, can you text me please? for real this time.” you say half heartedly. she puts your dishes away in the sink, nodding. “i’ll take you home, don’t want you in those ubers, they’re not safe.”

the next few months consisted of you texting ellie, again. but this time, she came back very often. as soon as a show ended, she’d be on the next flight to new york to see you.

ellie🧸: boarding the plane rn

can’t wait to see u :)

both of your schedules were tight, but you still worked in time to see each other. ellie often cancelled entire shows just to see you, losing all that money. but she didn’t care, she just wanted you to be happy.

you: i miss youuuu

when r u coming back?

ellie🧸:

rn tbh

it felt like a dream once again, but this time, you had a feeling she wasn’t gonna let go. you hoped she wouldn’t. the two of you hung out constantly, going to her shows and being in the first row, her singing directly to you. going on walks at times square, ellie wearing a mask to hide her face of course. and sleepovers at each others apartments. liliana kept telling you to be careful, to not get hurt again.

not only were you guys talking again, but she was making it very apparent to her fans. saying things like “this one’s for my girl, she’s watching at home. see you soon, sweetheart” before playing love songs. even though you guys weren’t official- you haven’t even kissed since your last one almost 3 years ago- she sure acted like it. she was almost always sober, only ever smoking weed or having small amounts of alcohol before performing to lighten her nerves: never with you.

you were going over your neuro notes in your room, when ellie calls you, and you pick up.

you: “hey! what’s up?”

ellie: “i just got off the plane, gonna pick you up in 30 kay? wear something nice pretty girl, we’re going out.”

you: “what? where?”

ellie: “just be ready, kay? mwah i gotta go!”

the call ends and you laugh at how dumb ellie was, making kissing sounds. you quickly get up to find something to wear and throw on some makeup. you didn’t know how fancy you had to be, so you stuck with a tight black dress, black heels, and the necklace made out of pure gold ellie bought for you a couple weeks ago.

ellie🧸: come outside

her text makes your heart skip a beat, and you go out to see ellie standing next to a car. from your knowledge, she didn’t own any cars; just bikes. she was wearing a fucking suit: white button up that she of course didn’t button up all the way, black pants and jacket, and her dumb converse that completely contrasted the outfit. she smiled when she saw you. “ellie? what’s this?” you laugh, going up to hug her and smell her cologne. “y’like it? had it delivered earlier today before i got home for tonight!” she says with a coy smile. you let out a breathy laugh at the fact she can just buy such an expensive car for no good reason.

“it’s gorgeous, ellie.” you smile at her and she pushes herself off the car, turning around to open the passenger side. crawling in, you admire the inside. it was all black, with silver accents and a large carplay module. the passenger side had some photos of the two of you, and your name was engraved into the dashboard. it looked engraved by the fucking manufacturers.

she shuts your door, walking to the drivers seat, plopping inside. “whatcha think? paid a pretty penny for them to customize that.” she looks at you nervously, hoping you’ll like it. “oh ellie, you didn’t have to do this! you’re so sweet.” she smiles. “i’m glad you like it, babe.” she presses the button to turn the car on, and it unleashes a loud roar. as if she couldn’t get any hotter, the car was a manual, and she knew very well how to use one. the two of you leave the parking lot of your apartment complex, speeding through the buildings. you can help but stare at her, as you never got to see her face when she was on her motorcycle. she was focused; shifting gears strategically without stalling. you just stare at her face, her slightly unbuttoned shirt, her hands: your face becomes warm. “something wrong?” her voice snaps you out of it, noticing you’re staring.

“oh um- i’m fine! sorry..” you laugh quietly. “it’s okay to stare y’know? i stare at you all the time.” she says simply. god, she says everything with no fear. “where are we going?” you ask, curiously. “uhh i think it’s called masa’s sushi bar? heard it was really nice.” your eyes widen and your jaw drops. “WHAT??” you ask her, dumbfounded. “ellie that’s like $600 a person!! i can’t afford that right now i-“ “i got it, don’t worry ‘bout it kay?” she interrupts you. “ellie i don’t need to be taken out to nice places- id love to just sit in one of our apartments and watch cartoons.” you start feeling bad.

“you deserve it, let me take you out okay?” you put your head down, feeling terribly guilty. “hey, don’t feel bad okay? this is what i want to spend my money on.”

the two of you arrive at the restaurant, and before you can open your door, ellie screams “WAIT!” before jumping out her side and running to your door, opening it for you with a smile, reaching her hand out. you can’t help but laugh. “you’re such a nerd, ellie!”

the dinner consisted of the two of you laughing at each other, almost getting kicked out a few times for your loud behavior. “ellie! be quiet! that guy has come over a million times to tell you to be quiet!” you say in a loud whisper. when the check comes, you see the total and feel like vomiting. “$2,457?? ellie you’re crazy! i feel so bad let me give you someth-“ you try to pull your empty wallet out but she stops you, “i got it, don’t worry okay?” she tips the workers a large amount and gets up to grab your purse, and walk you out. walking to the car, she opens your door, handing you your purse before getting in herself.

“i have one more surprise, we’re going back to mine tonight.” she says while starting the car. “another? seriously ellie i dont want you spendi-“ “nuh uh, don’t wanna hear it. you deserve this okay?”

the ride home was fast, and filled with tension. you were nervous for what else ellie had in store for you. arriving at her penthouse, she lets you out and leads you to the elevator. you’re shifting nervously on your feet, and she notices. “what’s wrong?” she asks you, stepping a little closer. “i’m nervoussss! what is the surprise?” “gotta wait, sweetheart.”

arriving at her door, she opens it and holy shit. it was covered in flowers, slow music playing in the background. you followed the trail of flowers to the dining room table: the place the two of you spent countless meals together just basking in eachother presence. on the table, was a small white box. you lift it up, having no clue what could be inside. “open it, princess.” she says with a goofy, excited smile. you open the box, and oh my god. it was a gorgeous golden necklace, with an “E” attached to the chain. it wasn’t obnoxious, it was beautiful.

“ellie! what is this?! it’s so pretty!” you smile at her, hugging her. “do- do you like it?” “like it?? ellie i love it!!” you say into her shoulder. the two of you hug for a moment before she pulls you back, pulling a necklace out with your initial on it from under her shirt. everything feels electric, fuzzy, and warm. “let me help you put it on.” she says, gently grabbing the necklace out of the box. you turn around, lifting your hair, allowing her to clip the necklace around your neck. you turn around to look at her, and she adjusts it so it sits centered on your neck.

“you’re so pretty.” she just stares at you for a moment, admiring your features. she closes her eyes and takes a deep breath, opening them again before asking,

“can i be your girl?”

it felt like you were floating. her cologne was filling your nose, her eyes searching for an answer in yours.

“i know it’s a lot to ask- i just- i really like you y/n and-“

she’s cut off by you pressing your lips against hers, wrapping your hands in her hair. her eyes stayed open for a moment before the closed, kissing you deeper. she wrapped her arms around your waist, wanting to feel you closer. the two of you stayed there for a moment before you pulled away with tears brimming your eyes.

“yes, yes i’ll be your girl ellie!” you say, laughing deeply and throwing your head back as she places playful kisses along your jaw. “fuck yes, yes!!” she says, laughing with you. the two of you just stand in the dining room for a bit, gently kissing one another before you pull back, leading her to the bedroom.

you grab the collar of her shirt, pulling her ontop of you, kissing her deeply. the two of you spend about 15 minutes just enamored with one another’s mouth, when she notices you squirming, pulling back. “what’s wrong baby?” she asks, innocently. “s’hot ellie..” you say, mascara running and your cherry lipstick smudged. she smiles, dipping down to suck on your neck, leaving dark marks, running her tongue over them to soothe the pain. her lips travel down, meeting the top of your dress. “can i take this off for you?” you nod immediately. “gotta tell me with your words, princess.” you whimper at her request, obliging. “yes.. yes you can take it off els.”

“good girl.” she gently removes your dress, followed with your bra and underwear, leaving you naked under her. “so pretty, my gorgeous girl.” she coos. she begins kissing down your collarbone, and to your chest. she looks up at you as she practically makes out with your boobs, giving equal attention to both of them. she lifts her head, looking at you with lust filled eyes as she steps off the bed to undress, completely naked. you’re practically drooling, looking at her toned abs, perky tits, and the freckles that litter her body. she goes back up to kiss you, before asking, “are you still sure? “fuck- yes fuck els- just… please”

“okay, baby.”

the speaker in the living room begins playing Let the Light in by Lana Del Rey. she lifts your leg, allowing it to limply lay over her shoulder as she slowly lowers her cunt over yours. the sudden contact causes both of you to let out a breathy moan before she begins grinding against you. “so pretty, my pretty baby..” you can barely respond, the feeling of her cunt directly on yours making you dizzy. it feels so intimate, but so right.

“never.. never leaving your side again you understand?” she says between grunts. “you and me- fuck- forever baby.” she’s grabbing at you: your tits, your hips, kissing your face. the air in your lungs feels like it’s being sucked out. “els… please i- more..” you beg. her pace speeds up, her eyes locked on yours. “gonna… gonna take care of my girl ‘kay?” you feel yourself getting closer and closer to the edge. “els… m’gonna cum!!” you moan, grabbing at her arms. “me too- fuck- cum with me baby cmon give it to me.”

and that’s all it takes.

your orgasm rips through you, making your vision blur as hers follows right after, riding both of yours out. the room is filled with moans, squelching, and grunts as you both come down from your high. she collapses beside you, kissing you softly and cuddling you. she pulls away for a minute to just admire you. “y/n i.. i love you.” she says, smiling nervously. you can’t help but giggle as you pull her in closer, saying,

“i love you ellie williams.”

1 year later

you were getting ready for ellie’s private concert, wearing the same outfit you wore when she asked to be yours. it was your anniversary, and she was gonna take you out to a nice dinner followed by a surprise after the show was over. “baby? you ready?” you hear your girlfriend say, walking over to her to show her your outfit. “oh my goddd” she gawks over you. “look at my princess.” she says, grabbing your ass as she pulls you in for a messy kiss.

you two were late for her concert.

your heart was so full watching your girlfriend perform onstage. you were right up front, catching each others eye constantly. the sound of squealing girls around you threatened to drown out ellie’s singing. you look around, growing insecure at all the girls throwing themselves at ellie. she was smiling, enjoying the crowd and attention. girls were flashing her, holding up provocative signs. normally it didn’t get to you, but tonight it did.

finishing the concert, ellie’s bodyguards escort you to join her backstage. ellie notices your mood, and asks what’s wrong. “nothing ellie, jus wanna go home.” you reply blankly. “okay.. okay let’s go home yeah?”

arriving at her house, you walk to her bedroom, plopping yourself on her bed. she follows close behind after setting down her bag. “what’s on your mind, you seem sad?” she asks innocently. “the fact all those girls throw themselves at you! i mean, i don’t usually get so insecure, i know you love me jus…” you choke on your tears. “they’re so pretty, els. scared you’re gonna leave me for one of them y’know? i know im not the prettiest, i don’t have the best body-“ ellie cuts you off, jointing you on her bed. “hey, hey. don’t say that okay? you know i only have eyes for you.” she says softly, kissing your forehead. “you’re the most beautiful girl in this world, love. your body is beautiful.” she kisses all over your face, making you giggle.

it was like all your insecurities flew out the window. the two of you were laying on her bed, kissing each other softly. “m’sorry i ruined your surprise.” you say sadly. “hey, you didn’t ruin anything okay?” she reassures you. “what was the surprise?” her face turns a light shade of pink, stuttering. “we don’t have to- it’s was just if-“ you become more interested in what it was. “cmonnnnn just tell meee!” you say, the curiosity killing you. “are you sure? it’s not- if you’re not in the mood-“ “tell me ellie!” she sighs, grabbing your hand gently and placing it over her crotch. your eyes widen and you instantly feel wetness pool to your cunt.

she bought a strap on.

“we don’t have to, sweet thing. we can ju-“ her sentence is interrupted by you kissing her deeply, spit mixing with one another’s. she sat up so you could sit in her lap, her palming the fat of your ass. the two of you already removed all of your clothing besides underwear, the skin to skin contact making you dizzy. the make out session turned sloppier as minutes went by, and you became needier: grinding against her thigh. she noticed, and inquired you about it. “what’s wrong baby? needy for me?” you nod, almost forgetting ellie always wants you to use your words. “want.. want your cock, ellie.” you say, whimpering in her mouth.

“lay on your back, lemme do all the work.”

she helps you pull your underwear down your legs, followed by her boxers just after: causing the strap on to bounce out and fuck was it big. probably 7 inches, extremely thick and a dark shade of purple. you practically drool at the sight of your naked girlfriend in front of you, all strapped up. “gotta make sure you’re ready first, okay baby?” she tells you, gently pushing her fingers into your wet hole. “your so fuckn’ wet, baby. i do this?” you nod aggressively, making her add a second finger. “cmon, mama, gotta tell me with your words, how else will i know?” you loved when she was demanding, it usually only happened when she becomes really possessive.

“yes ellie- fuck! yes it you that made- made me this wet!” you say between moans. after a few minutes, she pulls her fingers out. “suck.” she demands. you oblige, taking her long digits in your mouth and sucking every last drop off. “y’ready? i’m gonna go slow okay?” she says whilst gently pushing the tip in. she goes slow, waiting for you to ask for more before she goes deeper. once she’s all the way in, she’s drooling at the sight of you swallowing the silicone. “can feel you squeezing my cock, baby. fuckkk look at her.” she presses your thighs to your stomach, ensuring she can get as deep as possible. then, it’s like the world is on fire.

she starts pounding into you animalisticlly, watching the ring of white forming at the base of her fake cock. she leans down to suck on your tits, sloppily making out with them as you scratch her back up with your long nails. this time, it isn’t slow or gentle. it’s hot and fast. needy. most of the time, she coos you through your orgasm, going slow and gentle. times like this, however, it’s like she has her mind set on one thing: making you finish. her words become more vulgar.

“fuckkkk look at that pretty pussy baby, she’s just taking all of me huh?”

“all. fucking. mine.” between thrusts.

“can see it poking through your stomach, sweetheart.”

“gonna fill you up, mama. carry my kids?”

the last line makes you moan loudly, as you didn’t know it was something you liked. she smiles, continuing her pace, out of breath. “yeah baby? you like that? want me to fill you to the fuuuuckin brim? dirty girl.” she makes out with you sloppily, drool dripping down your faces. “ellie.. ellie fuck i’m gonna cum!!”

little did you know: she was too.

the base of the strap had been rubbing perfectly against her clit, her pace speeding to make the two of you finish.

“fucking cum all over me- fuck- cream my fucking cock baby. fuckkk”

the two of you scream out, as your orgasms rip through at the same time. all you can hear is ellie saying “iloveyouiloveyouiloveyou!!” as you come undone, her fucking you through every last bit of your orgasm. she collapses next to you, pulling out. you whimper at the feeling of emptiness. “i love you so much.” she says, wrapping her hand around your waist basking in the skin to skin contact. “i love you, els.” she kisses you softly, rubbing your plump hips.

“i love you most sweetheart, happy anniversary.”

#ellie williams #ellie x fem reader #ellie williams smut #rockstar ellie #ellie x plus size reader #ellie x you #ellie williams fluff #ellie x reader #ellie fluff #ellie angst

[13uswntimagines]

Promises We Make (Lindsey Horan x Soulmate!R)

Request: A Lindsey x reader soulmate AU where people know they're soulmates because they share dreams with them. Something angsty and happy and a lot of things.

Author's note: Wow, this has been a crazy long time coming. I think I have almost 2 years of planning, writing and re-writing in this fic. It’s a bit different than the original. It includes some new scenes and things that I meant to put in but never physically did. It feels like a little piece of my soul, so I really hope you enjoy it. Let me know what you think, I’m always down to chat. Hit me up with questions or concerns. 

 Without Further ado: 

You had never understood when people said that the dreams you shared with your soulmate were more vivid. It was hard for your brain to wrap itself around the idea that everything was more intense in the shared dreams, especially the first one. 

You didn’t understand until you blinked into consciousness. 

Your eyebrows furrowed at the immediate kaleidoscope of colors that met you. A deep blue sky with cotton-like clouds lazily drifting in the wind. The sun peeked out at you from behind them, its rays landing pleasantly on your face, a light breeze fluttering around you. 

Your fingers wound through the cool grass under you, as you pushed yourself to a sitting position. 

It was nice, even if you weren’t quite sure where you were. 

The comfortability of it all felt like lead in your stomach, countering the inherently light feeling of your surroundings. This was the moment you had been dreading for your entire life. The dream you had been dreading for your entire life. 

The dream you hadn’t been sure you would ever have. 

You blew out a shuddering breath, your eyes tracing a netless goal at the far end of the field and a rusty teeter-totter nestled behind it in a halfhearted effort to follow your therapist's technique for quelling the growing butterflies in your chest. 

Her advice never worked, but still, you tried. 

You drew your eyes along the heavy chain link fence that sprouted from the back corner of the goal and encased the field, separating it from the tall trees that acted as a shield for a low brick building. 

The leaves were alight with the warm oranges and browns of fall, rippling in time with the drifting breeze like the hands of fans as you made your final lap around the stadium. 

Deep breath in. Hold. Breathe out. 

You supposed that they were the only spectators in a place like this, even if you still weren’t sure where you were. You could tell it was a school playground, possibly from childhood, but it wasn’t from your childhood. 

Deep breath in. Hold. Breathe out. 

Or maybe they were a divine sign. A premonition flashing red, orange, and yellow, warning you of the incoming storm. Like the creak of a door before the monster appeared in a movie. 

Deep breath in. Hold. Breathe out. 

The hairs on the back of your neck prickled at the light crinkle of grass behind you. The first indication that you weren’t alone. 

Deep breath in. Hold. Breathe out.

“Hey, fancy meeting you here,” 

Her voice immediately sent a shiver down your spine, untangling the suffocating knot that had formed around your lungs. It had goosebumps appearing up and down your arms and legs. 

You should have been surprised, but you weren’t. 

Your head turned to look back over your shoulder, and suddenly your breath was gone again. 

You gulped, trying not to think about how the sun filtering through her blonde hair reminded you so much of a halo. How the sight alone was enough to ease the bubbling dread in your stomach. She had been through almost everything with you. You and your heart had always been safe with her. 

She wouldn’t hurt you.

“Hey Linds,” You smiled softly. 

The smile she returned didn’t quite meet her eyes. “There’s a set of swings over there if you wanna chat?” She gestured to your left, shifting on her feet awkwardly. 

You nodded, pushing yourself up noting how soft the grass felt under your bare feet following after her. It felt natural. You had been following her for nearly all of your adult life. 

The two of you had met in France when you were barely 17 and from the moment you laid eyes on each other, you were attached at the hip. She had stubbornly forced her way beyond the wall your childhood had built and into your heart. You undoubtedly loved her, even if you were too afraid to admit it. 

You resisted the urge to take her hand as you walked, one that you had never experienced in real life. She always reserved hand-holding for her significant others, and it was one of the few lines that the two of you had never blurred (except in France, but that didn’t count). 

 The walk over to the small, blue-gray swing set was quiet, but the two of you had never been uncomfortable in silence. It was familiar, warm. The silence was full of safety, even as you settled on the plastic seat. 

“Where are we, exactly?” You asked, your fingers wrapping tightly around the chain, the nail of your thumb picking at the slightly peeling paint, and your toes digging into the dip in the ground underneath you. 

It made you feel like you were in middle school, talking to a girl you liked for the first time, not sure what to say or how to say it. Putting your feelings into words had never been your strong suit. 

She cleared her throat, the crinkles by her eyes tightening for a long second as she began to swing slowly, her cleats scratching against the ground. “My elementary school,” 

More silence stretched between you, and you watched her closely. It unsettled you how her eyes remained glued to her cleats, how she wouldn't look up at you. 

Your eyebrows furrowed. Shouldn’t you both be happy? Shouldn’t she feel as relieved as you felt? 

The two of you had been dancing around this thing for so long and now it all made sense. You didn’t have to be afraid of how you were so drawn to each other anymore. You could allow yourself to feel.

But Lindsey didn’t look relieved. 

“I don’t want things to change between us,” She said, her voice barely audible, rough with emotions that you didn’t quite understand, the tip of her cleat kicking up a clump of dirt. 

“I don’t think it has to,” You said slowly, reaching out to catch her hand hoping she would look at you. “We can take this slow, and figure it out as we go,”

You weren’t sure how the whole soulmate thing was supposed to work. You had honestly never believed in soulmates, but you were willing to try.

You would be willing to do just about anything for her. 

Another beat of silence passed between you, and you squeezed her hand once in reassurance. It would all be alright. The two of you could make it through anything together. 

Lindsey dragged her gaze up. You sucked in a deep breath as red-rimmed blue finally met you.  “I have a boyfriend Y/n. I love him.” 

It felt like a knife, sharp and slow slipping into your chest, finding its way perfectly between your ribs. A cold ache diffused from the point of your heart and you resisted the urge to see if she had actually stabbed you. 

“I love him,”

The second half of her sentence pinged around your head like the metal bearing in a pinball machine. It echoed everything you were already aware of, everything your mother had told you before you moved out. 

You knew she loved you too, but she couldn’t love you the way you had always loved her. She wasn’t in love with you. She couldn’t be in love with you because she was in love with him. 

You weren’t worthy of her love. 

You swallowed hard. “Oh,” 

The word was forced and showed more of your pain than you wanted her to see. It wasn’t her fault that she couldn’t love you. That was all on you. 

“I don’t want things to change between us,” She said, her voice edging on pleading, willing you to understand. She squeezed your now limp fingers tightly. “You’re my best friend. I don’t want to lose you,” 

You hadn’t even realized you let go of her hand.

The knife twisted in your chest, its tip scratching at your lungs with each breath you sucked past your lips. One little push and it would rip you wide open. You couldn’t bear to lose her, even if it hurt to not. 

You didn’t know how to be without her. 

“You won’t,” 

The promise was soft, scratchy, filled with all the words you wanted to say, but couldn’t bring yourself to let out. You had never made her a promise you didn’t keep, but you weren’t sure you would be able to see this one through. 

You had to try for her. 

It would make her happy, and as her soulmate, that was all that should matter to you. 

Her shoulders instantly relaxed, and you tried not to think about how the knife wiggled a little more at her relief. You tried not to think about how the warning from the trees had been right. 

She squeezed your fingers again, tugging you off of your swing and into a hug. 

“Thank you for understanding,” 

You shivered at how her lips grazed your neck with the words. They tickled and ached all at the same time. 

You did understand. 

“Yeah. Anything for you,” You mumbled, tucking your nose against her collarbone, breathing in her vanilla body wash and perfume, allowing yourself to enjoy the contact for just a second. Pretending that it didn’t hurt. Pretending that it would all be alright. 

Your eyes slid closed and you will yourself to wake up. 

You could deal with her rejection, as long as you didn’t lose the people you loved the most. 

*****

Your fingers wrapped tightly around the cardboard USSoccer-provided coffee cup trying to leech as much warmth from it as you could. It wasn’t that you were physically cold, but the icy sludge that settled in your stomach from the moment that you jerked awake hadn’t abated. It numbed you from the inside out, sloshing around and refusing to let you forget. 

You took a little sip of your too-hot coffee, swirling the molten liquid across your tongue and savoring the sting. It did just enough to combat the icicles in your veins, but you didn't know if it was because it gave you an excuse to stay quiet and avoid your teammates or because it was actually helpful. 

You knew you were too quiet for a camp breakfast, but you didn’t know any other way to maintain normalcy. The team was just starting to gel, and you didn’t want to throw that off. You knew they didn’t take soulmate issues lightly. They didn’t need the distraction. 

You could pretend you were fine for their sake. 

Lindsey seemed fine after all. She had taken her spot next to you without question, as though nothing had changed between you. She wrapped her arm around the back of your chair and passed you the cantaloupe from her breakfast plate like she always did. She seemed at ease, joking with your friends, nudging you with each story she told. 

She seemed completely oblivious to how each action deposited a little more sediment on the growing stalagmites around your heart. How each smile pulled too tightly from your cheeks and was followed by a steaming sip. 

You could pretend for her sake too. She had asked you to, and you would do anything for her. 

“What about you Y/n?” 

You blinked up at the mention of your name, your coffee cup landing on the table with a low tap and your eyes finding Emily’s. You could see the thinly veiled worry buried in her blue, hidden well enough that it wouldn’t be obvious to the rest of the table, except maybe Kelley but she didn’t count because she was the blonde’s soulmate. 

“What about me?” 

The table erupted in laughter, and Lindsey nudged you again. “You’re such a space cadet,” 

You fought to hold back a cringe at the action, something that would have had warmth blooming in your chest and heat rising to your cheeks on any other day, but it just made the sludge in your stomach slosh, sending another wave of numbness through you. 

Emily’s eyebrows furrowed across from you, catching your pained expression. 

She had known you almost as long as you had known Lindsey and the two of you were nearly as close. 

“What are your celebration plans for when we win?” Emily repeated the question, leaning forward just a bit, concern evident in her tone. 

You shrugged. You hadn't considered what would happen if you managed to win the W Cup. Well, that wasn’t entirely true. You and Lindsey always celebrated together, until the mess at the world cup. It had hurt too much to think about what winning would look like without your normal tradition. 

“We have to get past Uzbekistan first,” 

“You average almost 3 goals a game, I think we’re gonna be ok,” Kristie scoffed, shaking her head, oblivious to the way Emily and Kelley were staring at you. 

“Uzbekistan isn’t exactly known for its firepower,” Rose added with a smirk, rolling her eyes. “And you can’t tell me that you haven’t thought about what you’re going to do when we win,” 

“Maybe we should ask if she’s thought about who she would do when we win,” Kristie cackled, and parts of the table hummed in agreement. 

You knew it was in reference to how you disappeared after you won the world cup. How they all assumed you had slept your way through several fans on your way back to the United States. You didn’t feel the need to correct them. That would involve explaining exactly what had happened. 

You sent them a halfhearted smile, hoping it looked like the one you shot them when you had been caught. “I’ll probably go back to my room and drink my way through my mini-bar,” 

You didn’t miss the grimace Kelley and Emily shared, or the way Lindsey's dimples jumped out as she frowned. You felt satisfaction tickle the back of your throat. Lindsey had spent the majority of her time pretending like the World Cup Celebration didn’t happen. Like the two of you didn’t almost-. 

You shook your head. You told yourself not to think about it. 

She would never understand the fallout like Emily and Kelley did. They were both there to see it. 

“That’s lame,” Kristie said, her nose scrunching at the prospect. “At least in France, you found yourself a companion,” 

Rose raised an eyebrow at you incredulously. “I thought you weren’t supposed to drink alone?”

You rolled your eyes at the line. Your line. The one you had used to avoid answering questions about the world cup. You caught Lindsey's grimace out of the corner of your eye.

She believed you had slept your way back to the airplane too, but you didn’t understand why she cared. 

She had a boyfriend. 

The sludge in your stomach sloshed again. 

“Maybe I’m turning over a new leaf,” You muttered halfheartedly, stabbing at your eggs. 

You didn’t even like eggs. 

“I didn’t think you’d want to after your conquests in Florida,” Lindsey said, her voice a thinly veiled sharpness. 

The tone immediately drew your attention, like a razor running gently across your skin, poised to slice you open.

You didn’t talk about Florida, and most of the team acted like you didn’t disappear for 2 months after the World Cup. Considering all the other things Lindsey pretended didn’t happen, you had never expected her to bring it up. 

You forced the bubbling pit in your stomach down, masking it with an easy smile. “What are your plans then?”

The table paused, Emily and Kelley both leaning forward like they were being pulled by a rope, waiting for Lindsey to answer. 

You were very touchy about Florida. 

The midfielder returned your easy smile, leaning back in her chair. “I’ll probably call Ty. He said he has a surprise for me,” 

You did your best to keep your face straight, even as her words sent a numb wave through you. 

“We all know what that will be,” Rose cackled, wiggling her eyebrows. 

It sent an unpleasant shiver down your spine. You didn’t want to think about her being with anyone else. You didn’t want to think about your soulmate being intimate, being vulnerable, with him. 

“Too bad you two aren’t soulmates,” Sam hummed, almost offhandedly. 

It still burned in the back of your throat. You didn’t want anyone thinking he was your soulmate’s soulmate. 

You didn’t have a right to be possessive, but it roared to life in your chest like a lion. She was supposed to be yours but she wasn’t.

You cleared your throat, rubbing the back of your neck, trying to shove those feelings down. You didn’t have the right to feel those feelings.

“I think I’m gonna go to the bus early and try to catch a nap.” You said, clearing your throat as your voice caught. “I didn’t sleep well. Time change and all,” 

You didn’t look up from your coffee cup as you pushed yourself up from the table, afraid of what you would see. You didn’t need to see her indifference. That would hurt worse. 

You ignored the stares on your back as you took your half-eaten plate to the trash and slipped out the door. 

At least if you fell asleep now, she wouldn’t be able to join you there. 

****

The soccer field had always been your safe space. It was the one place in the world where your thoughts went silent and all that mattered was the present moment. 

Even when things during your time at PSG had been rough, the pitch had always welcomed you like an old friend. You could forget your pain as the ball bent to your will.

Except this time you couldn’t.

Not with how oppressively hot Houston was. Not with how Vlatko was playing the starters, expecting you and Lindsey to link seamlessly. Not with how Emily and Kelley kept sending you worried glances. 

It felt like an absolute nightmare in all of its vivid colors, but despite it all your performance hadn’t been affected. 

You ran your hand through your hair, wiping your flyaway curls away from in front of your eyes, turning away from goal before you even saw Casey miss the save. 

“How are you so fast?” Emily asked, falling into step beside you with a nudge. 

You shrugged, shoving her away from you, painting a smile over your features, trying to be normal. “You’re just slow,” 

Lindsey had asked you to be normal. 

Emily’s eyebrows furrowed, and you knew she wasn’t fooled. You hadn’t expected her to be. 

Emily had known you nearly as long as Lindsey did, and the two of you were more like sisters than friends at this point. She knew you better than you knew yourself sometimes. 

You spent a month on her couch after you came back from Florida and she had even converted the 2nd room of her apartment into a bedroom for you because she didn’t think it was alright for you to be alone. 

Her soulmate, Kelley, had slotted into your life just as nicely, taking the place of the older sibling you always wished your brother would be. 

They were both deceptively good at reading you, and sometimes it was easier to talk to them than it was for you to talk to Tobin and Christen (your self-appointed team moms). They were just as protective. 

“What’s up with you?” Emily nudged you again, catching your elbow and forcing you to look at her. “You seem off,” 

You shrugged, avoiding her eyes. “I told you, I didn’t sleep,”

“Which just seems odd because Abby said you were passed out cold when she came back from her shower,” Emily said, wiggling your elbow so you would look at her. 

You swallowed hard. You could feel her eyes (and a few others) boring into your soul, and you weren’t quite sure how to make the words come out of your mouth. How could you tell her without hurting her relationship with Lindsey?  

“You can talk to me about anything you know? Keeping it all in isn’t healthy,” She added, nudging you again. 

You sighed heavily, only able to meet her eyes for a second before you had to look away. The weight of them was too much. 

You had too much on your mind, and if you opened up, you weren’t sure you’d be able to stop. 

“I just want to play soccer,”

The words sounded weak even to your ears, an old excuse that had been worn through. Her eyes immediately tightened, as did the fingers on your arm. 

“Does this have to do with how much your phone has been ringing?” Her voice was strained, earning an instant frown. 

You didn’t think anyone noticed how often your phone had been going off, or how you never answered it. 

“It’s not-“ You stuttered, shaking your head, closing your eyes, and tilting your head back. That was an entirely different can of worms you weren’t willing to open. Not on top of the Lindsey thing. “I had a bad dream, I woke up. I’m tired,” 

“Do you want to talk about it,” Emily asked you gently, despite already knowing the answer. 

You shook your head once, uttering a “No,” Despite the loud “yes” that echoed around your head. 

Emily squeezed your arm, forcing you to look up at her, worry shining through her blue eyes. “The longer you push it away, the more it’ll hurt,” 

You could hear the warning in her soft voice but also the unwillingness to press. The dance the two of you had played with for a long time. 

She didn’t want you to spiral again. She didn’t want you to go back to the place you had been right after France. She didn’t want you to think you had to hide your pain for everyone else’s sake. 

“I know,” You forced out, biting into your lower lip to prevent the tidal wave of emotions in your chest from breaking out. “I’ve got it handled,” 

You could tell she didn’t believe you by the frown she sent your way. “And if you don’t,” 

“You’ll be the first to know,” You promised, grabbing the hand on your arm and squeezing her fingers. 

“Promise me,” She demanded, slightly too loud, and you felt more eyes on you. 

You nodded. “Promise,” 

“Ok then,” She said, releasing you and nodding towards the coach.  “It’s your turn to run the drill again,” 

You let an easy smirk take over your features. “Maybe you’ll catch me this time loser,” 

You didn’t miss the look Emily shared with Kelley as you headed to the starting position of the drill, the telepathic-like communication only soulmates seemed to share. Or the furrowed eyebrows Lindsey sent your way. 

You knew what both looks meant. Everyone would be watching you more closely for one reason or another. 

******

You settled heavily into your airplane seat, your head leaning hard against the window, pressing your headphones uncomfortably into your head. 

It was weird, traveling by yourself. For as long as you could remember you always flew back to Portland with Lindsey, Emily, and Tobin. With your LA trade, that wasn’t a thing anymore. 

Hell, only Lindsey was left in Portland. 

The only thing you preferred about flying alone was how quiet everything was. How you could finally rest. 

Because camp was utterly exhausting. 

You had started in both games against Uzbekistan, and you scored 5 goals in both games, but Vlatko didn’t take the opportunity to get off your ass. Instead, he had used your only 5 goals as leverage to remind you of the youngins below you vying for a spot. 

And then you had the whole Lindsey situation, as you had been calling it. 

It made your chest ache how she acted like nothing had happened between you. How she seemed content to walk the tightrope between friend and more than a friend, ignorant to how much it hurt. 

Oblivious to the numb wave she sent through you each time she so much as brushed your skin. 

It made it impossible to remain neutral, when you obsessed over every interaction you had with her, worried you were too affectionate or not affectionate enough, unable to walk the tightrope. 

And then you had to deal with your friends. Well-meaning as they were, you wished they would just leave you alone. You didn’t want to talk about your sudden difficulty sleeping or have them try to cuddle you to soothe you into it. 

It was easier to pretend when no one questioned you. It was easier to avoid sleep when no one was watching you. 

But alone on the airplane, no one could bother you. You couldn’t receive voicemails you didn’t want to answer, or texts that would make your aching heart tear just a bit more. No one would try to make you talk, and no one would tell you how inadequate of a player you were. 

It was perfect. 

Your eyelids drooped without your consent as you pressed your forehead harder into the cool glass. You shouldn’t have been surprised after 40 hours of nearly no sleep and a 95-minute game under your belt. 

You wished you could stay forever, and let the subzero air outside of the airplane leach your exhaustion away. 

****

You kept your eyes closed as you came into consciousness, pressing your face deeper into the soft sand underneath you as the sound of the lapping waves and the salty air washed over you.

You didn’t even have to look to know where you were. 

You let it soothe your soul, filling the holes in your chest and removing some of the icicles in your veins.

You felt her warm presence settle beside you, and you fought to hold in your sigh.

You needed peace, but the universe seemed reluctant to give you that. 

You wouldn’t allow her to ruin this place for you. Not when it held so many memories. 

She let you stay quiet for a long moment, before gently bumping your shoulder. “Hey,”

You were reluctant to open your eyes, but you did, carefully rolling over to meet her blue. It was strange that the sand didn’t stick to you like it would in real life.

“Hey,” You smiled stiffly at your blonde soulmate. You were acutely aware of how much your eyes crinkled, how little the edges of your lips moved. You had promised nothing would change, but watching her now, it felt like there was an ocean between you that hadn’t been there before. You felt hyper-aware of every action you made and you couldn’t stop the nagging feeling that you were going to ruin it all. Hell, all of camp there had been a disconnect, and you weren’t sure you would ever have the strength to bridge that gap.  

Lindsey cleared her throat, her dimples appearing as she compressed her lips and tugged at the Stanford sweatshirt she was wearing. “I guess I’m cold on the airplane,”

Your eyes followed a small hole just above the wrist. The hole you had made 20 minutes after Kelley bought you the shirt on a goalpost. 

You hadn’t seen the red material since you left the Thorns for Angel City almost 4 months ago. 

Well, that was a lie. You had seen it when you visited Lindsey for her birthday, but you pretended you hadn’t noticed it tucked under the comforter of her bed. She always did love it more than you did. 

Your eyebrows furrowed, as you looked down at yourself, trying not to cringe at the faded tank top hanging from your shoulders, spiderman’s face bleached by the sun and salt. 

 “Yeah. I guess I’m hot,” You mumbled, your finger poking through a large hole in the bottom, one of the main reasons Emily made you throw it out before you had gotten on the plane back to Portland with her. “I’m not sure how any of this works,” 

Your parents had never been forthcoming with information about the dreams. It was more than that. Your mother despised the concept of soulmates and the dreams that came with them. You supposed it was understandable. Your parents had split when you were young, your mother choosing the bottle over everything and your father choosing his 19-year-old girlfriend. 

You always wondered if her use of alcohol was to suppress the dreams so she didn’t have to see him and deal with the pain and if it actually worked. You wondered if she would have been happier if she hadn't. 

You never got the chance to ask. She had never cared enough to let you. 

“Emily said sometimes our feelings translate to the dreams,” Lindsey hummed, drawing random patterns in the sand. “Like when Kelley is sad, it rains. Or when she’s missing Kelley it’ll be unbearably hot,”

You nodded, digesting the information. You could understand that logic. Emily always did love physical contact when she was sad, so forcing her soulmate to cuddle with her naked made sense to you, but you weren’t sure it applied ot you and Lindsey. 

If anything the discrepancies in how you were dressed would only indicate how much the two of you were on completely different pages. Ice prickled in your veins at the thought, so you banished it. 

“I’m not sure,” You said slowly, pinching a bit of smooth sand. “I haven’t really given this whole thing that much thought,” 

It was the truth. You had been wholeheartedly consumed with acting like the cold sludge in your stomach didn’t roll every time she looked at you. You were consumed with pretending that you weren’t being numbed from the inside out. 

Her head dipped in agreement, as she cupped another handful of sand and slowly let it drip from her palm, forming perfect sandcastles. “I think we’re in your dream this time. I’ve never been here,” 

“It’s New Smyrna Beach,” You supplied easily, letting the velvety sand run through your fingers, enjoying how the cool granules contrasted with Lindsey’s burning gaze. “It’s on the east coast of Florida, just south of Saint Augustine,” 

Lindsey made a low noise, and you could practically hear the wheels turning in her head. Everyone knew you had gone to Florida after the World Cup, but very few actually knew where you had gone. You were incredibly tight-lipped about it, no matter how hard Lindsey pressed. 

You were sure that your surroundings, complete with the one person orange tent you had stayed in, weren’t what she had in mind. 

“You vacationed there after we got back from France,” She said finally, and you had to fight to keep your face neutral, to keep the full body shiver from rocking through you. 

You wouldn’t necessarily call the months you had spent as a beach bum a vacation. It had been a necessary evil. An escape. 

A way to outrun the emotions that being back in fucking France had brought up. A way to get that coach’s voice out of your head, because scoring twice on the team that represented him just hadn’t been enough to quiet those thoughts.  A way to pretend like you and Lindsey hadn’t- 

You shook your head. You weren’t supposed to think of the night of the world cup. Of what would have been had Kelley not knocked on your door. 

It was probably for the best. You wouldn’t have been able to handle being one of her regrets on top of everything else. 

“You never told me what you were doing down here,” She mumbled, seemingly offhandedly, but you knew better. You could tell how invested in the conversation thought the sudden tightness in her back, and the way she was deathgripping the sand. 

You shrugged, trying to be nonchalant. “Surfing mostly,” 

It wasn’t a total lie. You had spent most of your days surrounded by the waves, covered in salt water and sand. It was easy not to think when you were in the surf. 

“You wouldn’t answer anyone's calls,” Lindsey pushed further. 

You tried not to flinch at the distinct wobble in her voice. It made the sludge in your chest slosh and the ice crystals in your veins to grow. You never wanted to hurt her.

You waved your hand towards the north end of the beach, masking your wince. “I threw my phone off a pier,” 

“But why?”

Her hand caught your arm, forcing you to look at her. Her blue eyes burned. They reminded you of how they looked the night you told her what the coaching staff at PSG was doing to you. They rendered you naked and exposed. They pleaded with your very soul. 

But you couldn't tell her. She had asked you to be normal. She asked that nothing change. 

It was more important to you to keep your promise. 

“I just,” You averted your eyes, searching the lapping sea for the answer. To tell her without telling her. “I needed a break. It was too hard,” 

You wanted her to acknowledge what had happened between the two of you. You wanted her to admit that it wasn’t just a passing moment brought on by the excitement of winning the world cup. You desperately wanted her to admit that the two of you had been soulmates long before you shared your first dream.

It was selfish, you knew that, to expect that of her, but you craved it. 

It had been too hard for you to stay around her when she wasn’t going to do any of those things. 

“You’ve never shut me out like that before,” Lindsey said desperately. “Why couldn’t you have taken a break in Portland,” You swore an unspoken “with me” belonged out the end of the sentence. 

You shrugged. She wasn’t at a place where she would understand.  

“My brother lives in Miami,” You explained softly, your tooth catching your top lip as you tried to string together the right words. “I thought that maybe I’d be able to… I don’t know… understand him more if I was down here,”

It was easier to throw blame on him, to hide behind your family problems to avoid everything. Lindsey could understand those. 

“Did it help?” She asked earnestly, and it made your chest ache. She cared just not in the way you so desperately wanted her to. 

“No.” You snorted. “He’s as much of an ass as he always was but the waves, the sun, and the sand were good for me,” 

She nodded, elbowing your upper arm. “You did have one hell of a tan after you came back,” 

“Can’t get that in Portland,” You chuckled.

“Ty says Greece is the best place to get a tan,” 

It was like a pin in the sudden balloon that had filled your chest. 

You sucked in a shallow breath, trying to pretend like it didn’t hurt. Trying to pretend like his very name didn’t send a numb wave through you and have your mothers cackling laugh resounding in your head. 

Your soulmate had chosen someone else. You weren’t worthy of her. 

“Greece is ok,” You shrugged, dragging your fingers through the sand, and picking up a handful. “This beach is less crowded. It kinda grew on me.” 

You flipped your hand on its side, letting the sand slide through, landing in a perfectly imperfect tower shape. You tried not to think about how much it represented you. How things seemed to fall into place, and out of place all at the same time. 

“I’ll have to suggest it to him,” She hummed, completely unaware of your inner war. 

“Yeah,” You muttered, breathing out through your nose, willing yourself to just wake up. 

You forced yourself to watch the sand as it trickled through your fingers, begging whoever would listen in your head to just let you open your eyes. 

You didn’t want to share this place with anyone besides Lindsey. 

Especially not the person who she had chosen over you. The person who would always be more worthy than you. 

*****

You had known that you weren’t going to fool Christen or Tobin. Both women just knew you too well.

Maybe that’s why you didn’t send your usual check in text after you landed- though you would argue it was because you passed out from exhaustion later. Maybe it was because you weren’t even sure how to put what had happened into words. Every time you tried, they got stuck in your throat. You couldn’t even look yourself in the eyes in your bathroom mirror and say that Lindsey was your soulmate and you were ok with her not wanting you. (not that you spent an hour trying). 

But you should have known that by not sending the little text, it would tip them off more than they already were.

It was something so small, but so fundamental in your relationship with them. It started while you, Lindsey and Tobin were still at PSG. It was a way for her to help you stop the things that were happening, and it included Christen shortly after Tobin had rescued you and Lindsey. 

The curly hair forward had taken to you immediately, and vice versa. So much so that the team teased she was your team mom. But your relationship was so much deeper. You went to her with your worry and for advice when you didn’t know how to navigate a situation, and she cared for you in a way that your own family never had.  

You always texted her because you didn’t want her to worry.

Except this time you hadn’t. 

You had half expected her to show up at your apartment the next morning before practice, a cup of coffee in hand, but all that had been waiting for you was a text, hoping you had gotten back to your studio apartment safely. 

You were grateful that she didn’t. It gave you time to get a handle on the numbness that did everything in its power to consume you. To get a handle on the slowly dying tissue around the sludge in your chest. 

You weren’t surprised Christen was waiting for you, leaning against the front of her car when you pulled up to the practice field, but she didn’t pounce on you the second you got out of the car. 

She let you get out and grab your bag from the front seat, waiting until you were nearly at her car before she pushed off the hood. She paused, gently grasping your shoulders tightly for a long moment, before pulling you into a tight hug. 

The hug you so desperately needed. 

It fought against the cool numbness that seemed content to settle in your veins.

“Hey kid,” She hummed into your hair, squeezing you tightly. 

You leaned into her comfort, burying your head into her neck and hugging her back just as tightly. “Hey,” 

Her hands rubbed up and down your back, letting you cling to her for several long minutes, before very slowly pulling away. She held you at arms length, again searching you for something. 

“You feeling alright?” Her voice was soft, gently, the voice she only used when she was worried. The voice she had used the first time you stepped into Emily’s apartment after Florida. 

“Yeah,” You nodded, smiling tightly up at her. “Just tired. All this flying around the country takes it out of a person,” 

Her shoulders relaxed a bit at your half-hearted attempt at a joke. 

“I’m sure it had nothing at all to do with the shows you put on in Columbus and Chester,” she chuckled, letting you go so the two of you could head towards the practice field. 

“And yet Vlatko is still up my ass like a suppository,” You grumbled, beginning to walk towards the training field.“I think he told me about the U20’s coming to take my sport more times than he talked about tactics,” 

“What else happened at camp?” 

She tried to ask the question casually, but you knew it was anything but. You wondered how much Emily had told her. 

You shrugged. “The usual,” 

“Really?”Christen asked incredulously. “That’s why Emily was sending texts last night to make sure we checked on you?” 

Usually, your first descriptors were of your friends, followed by a story about whatever shenanigans you all had gotten up to. The only time you hadn’t was the camp right after the World Cup. The only time Emily had texted them in warning was right after the World Cup too. 

You couldn’t help the low “traitor” that left your lips. 

“What Emily does is her prerogative,” You grumbled back, pulling your bag more tightly to your shoulder. “And I turned my phone off. I passed out when I got home, and the buzzing kept waking me up,”

Her head tilted to the side. Her and Tobin had only texted you once each. 

“What happened in the groupchat?” She paused, her fingers closing around your wrist and pulling you to a stop. 

You shrugged, finding a pebble under your sneaker more interesting than Christen’s concerned eyes. 

You never wanted her to worry. It made the pit in your stomach bubble. Another reason you would never be worthy of a soulmate. 

“Come on,” She pressed, her other hand catching your chin and gently forcing you to look up. “What’s happening?”

You didn’t miss the double meaning to her words. You rarely did. 

“I’m not sure,” You sighed, only telling a half-truth. “I don’t find a point in keeping up with Lindsey and Mal and their boyfriend drama,” 

You couldn’t help the bitterness that leaked into your voice. It hurt every time she mentioned him in the chat, like she was twisting the dagger in your chest just a little more. Like she was reminding you how much better for her he was. 

Plus the never ending text chain from your brother made you flinch every time you opened your Lock Screen. 

Christen’s eyes studied you for a long minute, before she nodded once. You knew she wasn’t fooled. 

You were afraid if she pressed harder you would crumble. You were thankful she let go of your chin and allowed you to head back towards the field. 

You had no doubt she would be watching you. 

****

Christen hadn’t needed you to forget to send her your normal made it home safe text to know something was wrong. She also hadn’t needed Emily’s heads up. 

She had known something was off before you went to camp, and now, well it was painfully obvious to her that things were getting worse instead of better. There was an odd tension that coated your every movement. A strange hesitance where she had never seen you hesitate before.

But she knew better than to confront you with it, that would only make you slip further back into the shell you had built long ago to protect yourself. It would only make you hide your pain more in some convoluted attempt to protect whoever. It would only make you run. 

She waited and watched and worried her bottom lip as you fumbled your way through warmups. 

It wasn’t that you were playing sloppy. It was that your head just didn't seem in it. You weren’t having fun and it was painfully obvious. 

You didn’t have your characteristic easy smile as drills started. Instead your face was etched with worry lines and stoicism that Christen had only seen from you during the tail end of your time in France. 

“Jesus Christ,” You grumbled as Simone again drove the defenders the wrong way, forcing the little pocket you had found yourself in to close, and cutting off the shot you were trying to set up. 

Christen raised her eyebrow at you, passing you a water as you hit the sidelines. 

You were usually pretty good with the young players, offering advice and rarely snapping when they made mistakes. You liked to teach and you knew people didn’t learn when you yelled at them. 

“They don’t know how to split the fucking defenders and they keep driving everyone towards me,” you explained, gesturing towards the two other forwards Freya had paired you with. “I’ve told them 3 times that the back line will continue to collapse the pockets if they don’t keep their spacing,”

“They’re young,” Christen supplied easily, her eyes tracing your features, noting how much more prominent the dark circles under your eyes were in the streaming sunlight. 

“But they don’t know how to fucking listen,” You huffed, spraying more water into your mouth. “At least Emily and Rose pay attention when I talk,” 

“You, Emily, Rose, and Lindsey have more practice,” She said pointedly, noting the omission of the blond midfielder in your sentence. “They’ve had time to gel with you. The new kids will get it, it’ll just take some time and patience,” 

You rolled your eyes in time with your shoulders, trying to ignore the shiver that ran down your spine at the mere mention of Lindsey’s name. You didn’t have the right to feel the feelings curling uncomfortably in your chest. “We don’t have time, and I’m running out of patience,” 

Christen’s eyebrows furrowed. While you weren’t one of the most patient people on the planet, you always showed patients with the young ones. You showed them the same courtesy that you wished someone had shown you. 

“I just want to play, and it’s like they’re not even on my team,” You muttered, earning an even deeper frown. 

She wondered how deep it went. How much it related to whatever happened at camp and not the young LA team. 

“Listen to me,” Christen said gently, grabbing your shoulders, trying to catch your eyes. “We are on your team. What’s going on?”

You closed your eyes, running a frustrated hand through your hair. “It’s not fucking acceptible. I had 18 shots on goal in the game against Uzbekistan, I only scored 5 a piece. I can’t fucking link up with them. It just…” 

You paused, the words seemingly getting stuck in your throat, and you waved your hand helplessly. 

“You’re under a lot of pressure,” She supplied easily, grabbing your hand and squeezing 3 times. A silent I Love You, but it didn’t loosen the knot in your chest.  

“I was fucking distracted. It’s not acceptable,” You huffed, running another hand through your already tousled hair. It was hard to focus when all you saw every time you closed your eyes was a mix of blue and blonde. It was hard to focus when all you could do was dissect every interaction you had out of fear you were too close or not close enough. You didn’t know how to be without Lindsey, but you couldn’t act like she wanted you to. “I need-“

“To relax,” Christen cut you off gently, her eyes searching you for a clue at what was bothering you, for a peek inside your head, for a reason you were so tense. “You need to relax,”

You blew out a long breath. You had always played your best when you were relaxed, dancing in the locker room with your friends before a game. It was hard when you were struggling to even call your best friend your friend anymore. 

“What’s got you so wound?” She asked you, worry evident in her tone. “What’s going on in that head of yours,” 

Things didn’t usually turn out well when you internalized your emotions. You buried your feelings until they boiled over, and your favorite target for that pain was yourself. The scars on your legs and back were proof of that. 

“I just-,” You sighed, shaking your head and chewing your lip, glancing towards your teammates (none of which had earned your unyielding trust). “It’s complicated,” 

Christen sighed, glancing towards the team behind you. She understood your hesitancy to talk in front of them. You were hesitant enough when no one was watching. 

“How about you come over for dinner, I’ll have Tobin make your favorite and we can chat and relax over some wine?” The striker offered you gently, squeezing your arm. 

“Yeah,” You sighed, leaning into the hand, taking any support you could get. “Dinner would be nice,” 

****

As it turned out, dinner was nice. Tobin made you Mac and cheese and Christen poured you a too expensive glass of wine, and you couldn’t help but relax as they chatted about their latest re-inc project. 

It was nice to let them distract you, even if it felt a bit like you were under a microscope. They were just so good at reading you. 

But no one had mentioned what they saw yet. No one had mentioned how often your phone buzzed, or how you sunk a bit anytime they ventured towards the topic of the team. 

You blew out a long breath, taking a short sip of your wine, resting your elbows on the railing of Tobin’s balcony. 

The Los Angeles skyline twinkled below you, nearly as good as Portland, but not quite. 

At least it didn’t make your chest ache like you knew the Koin Center and Wells Fargo building would. 

You couldn’t look at them without thinking of her. Your life was so intertwined with hers that you feared it would be like that anywhere you went. 

But that was your problem. Not Lindsey’s. 

You sighed, pulling another long sip of your wine as the glass door slid open behind and a familiar presence settled beside you. 

You didn’t have to look to know who it was. 

“Thanks for dinner,” You mumbled, swirling your wine around your glass, wishing it was something stronger instead. “Mama Heath’s Mac and cheese is always the best,”

“No problem,” Tobin shrugged, and it was easy. Familiar. “I’ll have to tell her you think so,”

“Sorry, I’m not great company,” You muttered, sipping your glass. 

You felt Tobin shrug. “We just want you to know we’re here for you,” 

You nodded. You did know that they were there for you. They had always been there for you. Tobin had helped you in France, acting as a shield between you and the coaching staff. She had worked with Emily to find you after France and remind you that it wasn’t soccer that you hated. Christen had been the one to orchestrate your trade to LA after things got too weird for you in Portland. 

They had always been there to help you pick up the pieces of yourself and work through your emotions. They were the family you never had. 

But they were Lindsey’s family too. 

You didn’t want them to turn on her because of you, but you felt like you had to tell someone what was happening. Like finally saying it out loud would quell the chilling acid in your chest. 

And if anyone would understand it was Tobin. 

“I met my soulmate,” you admitted softly, sipping the last bit of wine out of your glass. 

“I would congratulate you, but I’m sensing a but,” She breathed out, and you felt her eyes in the side of your face. 

Worried and not judgemental. 

Your lips tilted up at the answer. “She doesn’t want to be my soulmate,” 

“Did she tell you that?” Tobin pressed, gently taking the glass from your hand. 

It was only then that you realized how tightly you clutched the fragile edge. 

“She has a boyfriend, and she loves him. She’s made it incredibly clear,” You couldn’t keep the bitter edge out of your voice, a look at the gaping wound in your chest, oozing every time you so much as thought about it. 

“Damn,” Tobin sighed, placing both of your glasses on the balcony table and wrapping an arm around your shoulder. “Is she someone we know?”

“Yep,” You popped the p, your finger playing with a crack in the balcony’s handrail, debating whether or not you were going to tell her more. Debating if you would risk them turning on Lindsey. “I get to see her all the time,” 

“That sucks,” She agreed. 

You hummed. 

It did suck. Really sucked. 

What sucked worse was that you had agreed to be her friend afterward. They always said it was better to have your soulmate in some capacity than none, but God did it fucking hurt. It was like she had to prove how much better her boyfriend was than you, and you hated the feeling in the pit of your stomach when she showed that she was right. 

You should be able to be an adult about this. 

But you just…. Couldn’t. 

You let the silence linger between you, feeling more comfortable than you had in weeks in Tobin’s presence. 

If anyone understood, she did. You knew that. 

“Christen was dating someone when you dreamt with her for the first time, wasn’t she?” You asked softly, keeping your eyes on the Las Angeles skyline, and trying to ignore her sharp intake of breath. 

Tobin swallowed hard, squeezing your shoulder, seemingly trying to gain the strength to answer you. 

“She was,” She admitted, and you heard the strain in her voice. 

You blinked at her honesty, finally looking up at her thoughtful expression. “How did you work through that?”

“We were in college. We were rivals more than anything else,” She explained, grimacing slightly at what you assumed was embarrassment or pain at the memory. “It changed after we got to go to camp together. We were drawn together like magnets, and at some point, she wasn’t dating him anymore and I was available so it just kind of happened,” 

You nodded, your lips forming a thin line, your heart sinking just a bit. 

Lindsey knew you and had decided she didn’t want to be your soulmate. You were friends. She knew you and had decided that you weren’t good enough. 

“Does it ever go away?” The question was soft, and vulnerable as it left your lips. 

“The weight in your stomach?” Tobin asked you gently. You nodded once and she squinted, taking a long second to find the answer. “Mine didn’t leave until we were together for a while,” 

“Did she feel it too?” You asked. 

It was the question you wanted to know since you had the dream. Did she feel the same sludge in her chest that you did? Was she in the same pain you were? Was she avoiding sleep too? 

“I don’t think that’s a me question,” Tobin said slowly, and you felt yourself deflate just a bit. “It’s not something Chris and I talk about a lot, but I know that we were both hurting in different ways,” 

“I think it would be easier if she didn’t want to be friends,” You admitted. It made you feel guilty that part of you wished you didn't know Lindsey. That you didn’t share the history you did. “At least then I wouldn’t have to hear about him,” 

You missed Tobins furrowed eyes as she tried to figure out exactly who it was. She knew better than to ask, that would only cause you to pull away. 

“I felt that way too, but I think the silence was worse in the end,” She answered after a long second. 

You blinked up at her, pulling out of her embrace just far enough to see her expression. “How did you deal with it?”

She chuckled darkly. “I didn’t,”  

You could understand why someone wouldn't. You didn’t want to deal with it either, but it felt like you were being forced to. 

“I cut her off completely, which wasn’t a problem until we were on the same team,” Tobin continued, shaking her head. 

You nodded, understanding the feeling. If only it were that simple. Lindsey was competitive and stubborn, and you knew she wouldn’t let you cut her off. Not after you already agreed that nothing would be different. 

Tobin squeezed your shoulder as if could feel your pain. 

“Just tell her how you feel,” She suggested gently, “sometimes all it takes is a conversation,” 

“It’s Lindsey,” You snorted, shaking your head. “She already knows how I feel,” 

There was an unspoken- and she still didn’t want me- that hung in the air. 

You barely heard Tobin’s “Oh,” but you felt her squeeze you even tighter. 

“Yeah, oh,” You sighed miserably. 

“I mean, I’m not surprised you two are soulmates,” Tobin said, her chin resting on top of your head. “You’ve been pining after each other forever,” 

You chuckled bitterly. You had been tied at the hip since you were 17, dancing the line between friends and something more, crossing that line more times than you’d like to admit. “Except now she has a boyfriend, and she doesn’t want things to change between us,” 

“Except things have changed,” Tobin supplied, holding you closer. 

“I promised her they wouldn’t,” You mumbled. 

Tobin blew out a long breath. “That’s tough kid,” 

And you wondered if that was the crux of your pain. Would it feel different if you hadn’t said yes? Would it hurt less? 

A long silence stretched between you, comforting in a way that words wouldn’t have been, and you glanced back through the door to see Christen working too hard on drying a plate. 

“Just,” Tobin said slowly, shaking her head as if she knew something you didn’t. “Just tell her how you feel, and give her some time. She’ll come around,” 

You hummed, neither agreeing or disagreeing. You doubted she would ever see you for more than her friend. You doubted she would ever deem you worthy enough to be her soulmate. 

“Do you think Christen is done with the dishes? Or is she waiting for your signal?” You asked instead of arguing with her. Arguing wouldn’t do you any good. 

You appreciated their subtlety, but you knew the striker had to be stalling. 

Tobin shrugged, unfazed at getting caught. “She knows it’s easier for you to talk to me, but she’s worried too. Especially about the way your phone has been blowing up,” 

You cringed. You were hoping that they wouldn’t bring it up, despite how often it had interrupted your dinner. “People think if they harass me, I’ll be more likely to answer and say yes,” 

Tobin let out a low snort. “They obviously don’t know you’re more inclined to destroy it than answer,” 

“At least I didn’t throw it off a pier this time,” You chuckled, running a hand through your hair. You didn’t want to talk about your phone, or your brother’s inability to take a fucking hint. You knew Tobin would be less inclined to let you avoid explanation. 

She squeezed your shoulder. “I know you don’t want to talk about whatever, but Just know Chris and I are here for you, no matter what,” 

You gulped but nodded nonetheless.

“Are you going to tell her?” 

The question was soft, hesitant, and showed the vulnerability you were reluctant to ever express. 

“You know we don’t keep secrets from each other,” Tobin reminded you gently. 

You swallowed again. You knew transparency was important to them. That they never kept secrets from each other. “I just don’t want her to lose you guys,” 

Tobin sighed heavily. 

It was just like you to try to help Lindsey even if it killed you, to ensure that she would be ok despite how much she had already hurt you.  

“Neither of you will lose us,” She said finally, pulling you tighter to her. “But I won’t let her mistreat you either,” 

You hummed, burying your face in her neck, accepting the comfort it was clear you needed. 

“Come on kid. Chris got chocolate cake because she knows it’s your favorite,” Tobin said, patting your back. “We can have a movie night and you can crash here if you want,”

You hummed, nodding into her neck. “That would be nice,” 

You knew she was asking for her own peace of mind. She knew you better than you knew yourself. She knew you would spiral if they let you. 

And you would let yourself be protected. 

*****

You would never get used to the feeling of waking up in a shared dream. The weird way the colors blended, and you were overcome with the most potent form of dejavu you had ever encountered. 

The world blurred into focus. Like you were spinning too fast and then suddenly came to a stop. Like you were seeing the world upside down and suddenly it was right side up. 

It made you want to vomit, despite the aching slush being absent from your stomach. 

It killed you as your eyes opened, because everything felt right, and you knew that it was anything but. It was only a matter of time before you were reminded of how unworthy of your soulmate you were. 

You sighed, closing your fingers around the soft grass underneath you. The bed that was softer than your real childhood bed. The safe space that had always welcomed you until you moved to france. 

You let out a low breath, loathe to sit up and actually face the woman you knew was beside you. 

This place was too sacred for you to desecrate. You tried to remember that you were really on Tobin and Christen’s couch, tucked under one of their blankets like you had been for the last 3 weeks. You tried to remember that nothing that happened here would be real. 

“How is this grass so soft?”

You squeezed your eyes shut even tighter at her voice, hoping that you could make it hurt less if you didn’t look at her. 

“Mr. Barns used to water it by hand,” You said softly, remembering the summer days your mother kicked you out of the house at 6 and didn’t let you back in until well past dinner. If she let you back in. “I helped him sometimes in the summer. He would give me lunch,” 

She hummed, and you felt her settle down beside you, so your arms were nearly touching.  “You don’t talk about your childhood a lot,”

Goosebumps erupted on your skin where her elbow brushed you, and you gulped. “I don’t like to think about it. It wasn’t a normal childhood,” 

“Did any of us have a normal childhood?” Lindsey countered, trying to copy what you and her had deemed Tobins wise old lady voice. 

It made you shiver. She knew how bad your childhood was. She had heard the stories of the horror stories that haunted you at night. 

You cleared your throat, averting your gaze. “I used to sleep out here sometimes. It was easier than going home,” 

You ran your hand over the grass as if to prove your point. 

“Why am I not surprised you preferred to sleep on a soccer field as a kid,” Lindsey snorted, and you bit your lip to avoid cringing. 

She made it sound like you had chosen to sleep on the field. Like your mother hadn’t given you the choice of being locked in a closet or sleeping outside. 

“Yeah,” You muttered, running a hand through your hair. “I don’t like to talk about it,” 

Lindsey made a noise in the back of her throat, too focused on picking a blade of grass. “How about we talk about the radio silence then,” 

You stiffened, your back going rigid. “Everyone’s just lucky I didn’t throw my phone off Tobin’s balcony,” 

Lindsey chuckled as though you were being sarcastic (you weren’t). “That many girls have been blowing you up?”

Your head tilted to the side, and your eyebrows furrowed without your consent. You didn’t understand her fascination with your sex life. Not that you had one. Not since France…

“What girls?” 

It slipped past your lips before you could think to stop it, confusion clear in your voice. 

Lindsey scoffed. “You can’t seriously tell me that you haven’t been hooking up. You haven't answered any of my calls or texts,” 

Her voice was almost… possessive. Your frown deepened, and you shook away the thought. There was no way, right? It wouldn’t make sense with how she had her very own boyfriend. 

“My brother has been harassing me. I shoved it in my sock drawer to dampen the sound,” You said, your voice softer than you expected it to be. 

A byproduct of your inner surprise you told yourself. Definitely not because you needed her to know that there was no one else for you. Definitely not because it made the sludge in your chest suddenly reappear when she mentioned that she thought you were seeing other people. 

It didn’t make sense. It wasn’t fair. But what out of any of this had been?

“Oh,” Lindsey muttered, her fingers catching the grass and rolling it between her fingers, and you could have sworn you saw her nose crinkle at the mention of him. “What does he want?”

Your shoulders lifted and fell, both because you didn’t want to answer the question and because you wished she had been dejected for another reason. You wished she cared enough to be bothered that it wasn’t just her you were ignoring. Instead, she looked relieved. 

“I’m not taking his calls,” You answered your voice more horse than you intended it to be, showing more emotions than you wanted to. “He’s an asshole,” 

Lindsey paused at your characterization, her shoulders slumping in a way you didn’t quite understand. “Am I an asshole too?” 

You could see how she made the jump, but that wasn’t why you were avoiding her. It just hurt too much to hear how wonderful Ty was to her. How he was so much better than you. 

Really, it had been Christen's suggestion after a particularly bad day had nearly sent you into a panic attack and you wouldn’t tell her why. It was bad enough that you had spilled your guts to Tobin. They didn’t need to know the pressure your brother was putting on you. 

You shook your head. “You’re not trying to guilt trip me into doing things I don’t want to,”

It was technically the truth, though it wasn’t entirely accurate. You didn’t want to pretend like everything was fine, but it was nothing in comparison to your brother’s request. His demand. His inability to take no for an answer. 

“What does he want you to do?” 

You felt Lindsey’s eyes on the side of your face, and the concern seeping through her words. It nearly caught you off guard. It nearly let your brain slip into the place where you could convince yourself that the thing between you hadn’t changed. That she cared about you in the way you cared about her. 

You gulped, finally gaining the courage to look up from the grass and meet her eyes. They were burning blue, just as they had been so many times before. Protective in a way that only Lindsey could be. Loved in a way that you had only felt when you were with her. It sent a shiver down your spine. 

It made you feel like she cared. As a friend you reminded yourself. 

Only a friend. 

“It’s complicated,” You finally settled on the phrase. 

“More complicated than Florida?” She fired back like she already had the remark prepared. 

You cringed. She probably did. You hated that Florida had become her litmus test for you, even when the situations were entirely unrelated. 

Your brother had Ignored you while you were in Florida. The only person you spoke to was Emily when the nurse wouldn’t let you check out of the hospital on your own. That was the only reason anyone knew anything. 

You hated that Lindsey couldn’t seem to let it go. 

“It’s different,” You hedged carefully, rolling a blade of grass between your fingers. “He’s asking me to forget that they didn’t want me,” 

You didn’t think it was fair for him to try to leverage your mother's dying wish against you, even after all of the shit she had done. And you tried not to think about how much Lindsey didn’t want you. 

Lindsey frowned, and you could see the wheels turning in her head. 

She reached over and caught your hand, oblivious to the shivers it sent through your spine and how even the small touch made goosebumps appear in her wake. 

Your head jerked up to meet her blue. “It would be their loss. Not yours,” 

You gulped, trying not to focus on how the words felt like she was twisting the knife in your chest just a bit, or how the place where her hand touched your arm felt like it was on fire. 

It wasn’t a fair statement. How could it be when she didn't even want you, and she was tied to you? You wanted to ask if it was her loss. 

Your shoulders lifted and dropped. 

It was the safest response you could muster. One that wouldn’t force her to reinforce how much she didn’t want you. One that would allow you to delude yourself into thinking she cared. 

Lindsey sighed. 

She had always been good at reading you. 

“You promised me nothing would change,” She mumbled, and you shrunk a bit. Her voice was soft, caring, and concerned. It lured you in. 

You shook your head. “Things haven’t changed,” 

The words felt like acid in your throat. You could hear the thinness in them. The lie. 

Everything had changed.

You knew Lindsey heard it too. Her raised eyebrow told you as much. 

You sighed, “I’m trying, alright?” 

It was too soft. Too vulnerable. 

And you watched Lindsey’s face change. 

“It shouldn’t be so hard,” She gritted out, and you flinched at the sudden ice in her voice. The edge waiting to slice you open. “Why can’t you just be normal? We’re friends.”

You gulped down the retort on the top of your tongue. The words that would blow everything wide open. 

You and Lindsey had always been on the edge of friends. Friends didn’t do the things the two of you did. 

“I’m just…-“ You paused, looking down at her hand still on your arm. “I have a lot going on. I’m doing my best,” 

You repeated the words that Christen had given you, and you felt Lindsey relax. Her fingers tightened around your forearm. 

“Just remember you’re not alone,” 

Your head tilted to the side. You knew those words were carefully chosen as well. 

“I’ll try,” You sighed, pulling away and willing yourself to wake up. It didn’t hurt so much when you could pretend she didn’t care. When you couldn’t see the concern etched across her features. “I’m trying,” 

Her fingers tightened around your arm as the scene faded away like she was trying to keep you there, even as you jerked into consciousness. 

You could have sworn she was saying something. A part of you wanted to know what it was, but the larger part of you was grateful that you didn’t. 

No matter what it was, it would make everything hurt that much worse. The ache in your chest was already unbearable most days. 

You sighed, running your knuckles into the place where your heart throbbed, pushing yourself up off of the couch. 

It was worse when she pretended like she cared, even when you knew she didn’t. Not in the way you wanted her to. 

You ran a hand through your hair, grabbing a stray ball that way laying around and heading towards the door. Hopefully, some practice would quell the gnawing hole slowly growing in your chest. 

All you could do was try. 

*******

You thought you understood exhaustion when you were in France. You thought you understood it during your second season when you played every minute you were available in Portland. you thought you understood it at the very end of last camp. 

In the 4 months since you had your first shared dream, you realized that there was an entirely new level of weariness and fatigue beyond anything you had ever experienced. It settled deep into your bones, replacing your normal energy with lead. It ate away at your soul, and you feared that when all was said and done there would be nothing of yourself left. 

You knew that was the consequence of being rejected by your soulmate, of not being good enough for your soulmate, and of your refusal to sleep. You couldn’t share dreams if you didn’t have them. 

You would slowly lose everything that made you yourself. 

What was more shocking to you was that your on-field performance hadn’t wavered, despite the wide berth the team gave you when you weren’t on the pitch. It had only gotten better, according to every commentator in the NWSL. 

You supposed it made sense, the suffocation of your soul leading to a more cold and calculating performance. Or maybe it was just your pain coming out in aggression toward the unfortunate defenders that you played against. 

Either way, you were having the season of your life, and you were hating every single moment of it. 

“I’m not going,” You mumbled, as you pulled your shin guards out of your socks, barely looking up at Christen. “You can tell Kelley I got sick or whatever, but I don’t want to deal with it,” 

It took effort to look up, and you knew it would just show her how little sleep you were getting despite their insistence that you stay on their couch. 

It would also take effort to go to dinner with Kelley and Emily after the game and to pretend like you weren’t slowly disintegrating from the inside out.  

“Or you can tell her and Emily yourself,” The striker countered, settling down on the bench next to you, careful not to touch you as you had been particularly sensitive after your last shared dream. “Unless you skip the game, you’re going to see them,” 

You cursed under your breath, tossing your guards into your bag with too much force. Why couldn’t things ever be easy?  “Freya won’t let me skip the Washington game,” 

“Not a chance,” Tobin agreed, settling down on your other side, effectively trapping you between them. 

You had been playing too well for your coach to let you sit out without giving a good reason, and trying to explain that you didn’t want to see your friends because your soulmate was your other friend and she had a fucking boyfriend wasn’t something you wanted to do. No matter how nice the coach was. 

“Damn it,” You grumbled, leaning back on the wall beside your locker with a thump. It was almost too much for your tired brain to work through. 

You had partially forgotten that you would see Kelley and Emily at the game as well as after. 

It was once in a season that you got to play Kelley and Emily in LA, so of course, they wanted to hang out after the game. Normally you would be excited to see your best friend and her soulmate, but since your last shared dream with Lindsey, you were dreading it. 

Hell, you had been dreading it since you started ignoring your phone. 

You loved Emily and Kelley, but they were too perceptive for their own good. They would ask questions you didn’t want to answer and slowly pry the truth from you. Then they would hate Lindsey, and that wasn’t fair to her. 

She had been friends with Lindsey longer than she had been friends with you after all. 

Or it was possible that they both already knew. That Lindsey had already told them, and they were just waiting for the right opportunity to tell you how much they agreed with her. To confirm what you already knew, that you were unworthy of your soulmate. 

You could still feel the tingle of Lindsey’s fingers on your arm, her words “it would be their loss” still lingered in your brain like a bad cough despite them being spoken nearly two weeks ago. 

You shivered. 

Either way, you couldn’t face them. You couldn’t deal with the possibilities. You couldn’t bear to see Emily’s disappointed gaze. You wouldn’t be able to stand it if you lost her too, despite the way you were pushing her away. 

There was a reason you had called her when you were in Florida instead of anyone else. A reason that you had clung to her afterward. 

She treated you like you were normal. Despite almost drowning in Florida. Despite her having to check you out of the hospital. Despite you running away in France after you and Lindsey almost-... 

“It’ll be fun,” Christen said, nudging your shoulder. “we’ll talk about Bagel and the Spirit drama, and all you have to do is smile and nod,”

“She’ll hate me when she finds out,” you groaned, scrubbing your eyes, your nails digging and scraping at the skin above your eyebrows. You were never good at hiding things from Emily or Kelley for that matter. 

You should be able to be reasonable and be Lindsey’s friend. You should be able to respect her wishes. She was right, it shouldn’t be so hard. 

But it just hurt so fucking much. It didn’t matter how nice she was about it, every interaction felt like a knife slipping between your ribs and into the soft, vulnerable tissue, twisting unrelentingly, intent on bleeding you out. 

Christen caught your hands, carefully pulling them away from your eyes and laying them flat against her thigh. She rubbed soothing circles on the back of your palm. “No one will hate you,”

“You’re not the one who is being malicious,” Tobin added, in a tone that made you believe she 100% thought someone was. 

You frowned. Lindsey hadn’t done anything outright yet. Well, anything besides telling you that she loved her boyfriend, and while that hurt you, it wasn’t a direct shot across the bow. It also wasn’t anything deserving of Tobin’s direct ire. 

You regretted telling the midfielder-turned-winger about the back-and-forth game Lindsey seemed to enjoy. You regretted telling her how much it hurt you to not understand. To know exactly where you stood, the place you had always stood with Lindsey, in the blurry no man's land between friend and more than friend. A place filled with landmines and barbed wire poised to destroy you at the first misstep. 

You had already been cut more times than you’d like to admit. 

You pulled your hand out of her grip, running it through your messy curls, serving only to make them more wild. You hadn’t had the energy to style it, but now you were regretting that decision. It would be a bitch to fix later. 

You felt Christen and Tobin share a look over your head, communicating without words. You wanted to ask if that was a soulmate thing or just a preath thing because you doubted you would ever be in a place with Lindsey where you would be able to find out on your own. 

“Lindsey might not have told them yet,” Christen said gently. You felt her eyes return to the side of your face, and her fingers carefully weaved into your hair beginning to undo the knots. “And we don’t have to tell them either,” 

Tobin’s hand found the back of your neck, digging into the knot that always appeared there. You sighed. Their efforts at coercion were rather effective, especially with the three hours of sleep you had gotten (despite their best efforts).  

“But what if she did?” You asked, your voice showing more vulnerability than you wanted. “What if she told Emily that I wasn’t keeping my promise? That I wasn’t being a good friend?”

Tobin snorted, shaking her head. 

It was difficult for her to wrap her head around how you thought anyone would be upset with you in this situation. How you thought that any of this was your fault. 

“Kelley will be upset if any of this hurts Emily,” You said, softer. You knew how protective the older defender was, especially of her soulmate. 

It was one of the first things you learned about Kelley. She would murder anyone who hurt Emily. 

You were in pain, but you didn’t want to die. Not yet at least. 

Not by Kelley’s hand. 

“We will deal with Kelley,” Christen reassured you, sharing another look with Tobin. On the off chance that Kelley was upset, all it would take would be to mention the word soulmate and she would back off. 

It wasn’t just her soulmate she was protective of. 

“I don’t want anyone to fight,” You sighed, squeezing your eyes shut yet again, hoping it would help the heaviness in them. 

It didn't. 

Your phone buzzed obnoxiously in your bag because god forbid you get 30 seconds of peace. 

You wished you hadn’t told Lindsey about the calls, even Christen and Tobin hadn’t been able to pry it out of you. You wished you hadn’t used it as your excuse, because it felt like another thing that she could hold over you. 

“I just,” You blew out a shaky breath. “I want everything to go back to what it was before I had the stupid, fucking dream,” 

At least then you hadn’t had to face the feelings that continually bubbled in your chest. It had been easy to pretend that you didn’t want something more from Lindsey, something she would never give you outside the privacy of shared hotel rooms and fleeting nights in apartments. 

It was easy to pretend that her denials hadn’t been slowly unraveling you. That you hadn’t been self-destructing since well before the dream. 

“Avoiding sleep to avoid her isn’t helping you,” Christen said softly like she was speaking to a small child. It should have irritated you, but it didn’t. It made warmth bloom in your chest. “And neither is avoiding whoever is constantly calling you,” 

“How about we go home, and you can nap,” Tobin suggested, equally as gently, backing off. “And then you can decide if you want to get ‘sick’ after the game when you wake up?” 

You nodded, pulling your sweatshirt over your head. Thorns practice was about to begin, so it would be safe. 

She wouldn’t be able to follow you, and maybe you would finally get some peace.

Tobin's arm landed heavily on your shoulder as they guided you out of the locker room, and you leaned into her, hoping they would be able to drive the dreams away. 

If your soulmate wasn’t going to look out for you, they would. 

***** you sucked in a long breath as you blinked into consciousness, shifting awkwardly in your chair. 

You frowned. You had never entered one of the dreams sitting, and you idly wondered if the position was due to how you were leaning on Christen’s shoulder as you fell asleep. 

You shifted again in the chair, your fingers falling on the engraved trim, your eyes darted to the wood, painted a shiny gold. You dragged your eyes up the white tablecloth, accented with deep red napkins to the Crystal glasses and gold-rimmed plates. Several forks and spoons flanked the plate, glinting in the dim light of the table. 

Beyond your plate was a vase, filled to the brim with dark red roses, their color so vivid they looked like they were dripping, bleeding. Much like your heart you supposed. 

You shifted again in the chair, straightening your bow tie. 

You frowned. You never wore ties. 

“What the hell?” You mumbled, your fingers dragging down the satin lapels of the tux you were wearing, towards the shiny red vest that matched the tie. 

It was too much. Too fancy. Not at all something you would ever choose for yourself. 

“The restaurant had a dress code,” 

Your eyes snapped up to meet Lindsey’s piercing blue just beyond the roses, and you lost your breath. 

She was stunning. 

Her hair shimmered like gold in the low light, pulled to one side, cascading down her shoulder. You fought to keep your eyes from trailing down the plunging neckline of her shiny black dress, focusing instead on the sparkling diamond necklace around her neck. You dragged your eyes up to her red-painted lips and finally met her eyes. 

They burned into your soul as she casually sipped her wine like she was trying to read your mind. 

“I thought you said dress codes were a no-go,” You muttered, your head tilting to the side. “It’s why you wouldn’t go to the French Laundry with me while we were in New York. You said it was too posh,” 

She hummed, sipping her wine slowly, making you wait. “Ty took me out for our anniversary. He wanted to make it nice,” 

You swallowed hard, reaching for a glass of water to help your suddenly dry throat. 

Of course, she had gone out to fancy dinners with him. Of course, she was dressed up for him. You gulped down the sudden jealousy in your throat. 

She was dating him. You didn’t have a right to feel jealous. But the thought of her dressing in something for him made the sludge in your chest roll. 

You wondered if you were in the outfit that he had worn to impress her. You wondered if seeing you in it made you feel the way her dress made you feel. 

“Did you enjoy yourself?” You asked carefully, placing the water glass back on the table. 

It took everything in you to keep your voice calm, level. To pretend. 

She hummed. “It was ok. The steak was overpriced and the wine was dry,” 

Your nose scrunched. You knew that Lindsey didn’t like the pomp of fancy restaurants. That she preferred tacos and margaritas to 500$ steaks. That she liked light, floral cocktails instead of pretentious wine. 

It made you wonder why he didn’t know that. 

“Sounds too fancy for me,” 

You settled on the comment. It was safe, easy, almost normal. 

She snorted. “It was too fancy for me too. Ty picked it,”

You wanted to ask why. If it was their anniversary, shouldn’t he have done something she wanted to do?

You swallowed your question, your comment, smiling pleasantly at her instead. At least you got to be with her like this.  “It’s nice he’s being so cool about all of this,” 

She paused, her wine glass pressed to her lips, taking too long of a sip before setting it down, swirling the red liquid around the glass. “Yeah,”

Your eyebrows furrowed, noting how her eyes didn’t meet yours and her fingers tapped the rim of the glass. 

“You haven’t told him yet,” 

It was a statement of fact, incredulous in its delivery, but proven by the way her teeth closed around her bottom red-painted lip. 

You didn’t know why you were surprised. Why would she tell him? Keeping it a secret was an entirely Lindsey thing to do. 

Still, it made you feel dirty. A secret. Something to be ashamed of.

“Why would I tell him?” Her lips curled around the question dangerously.“Nothing has changed,” 

You frowned at that. Everything had changed, whether she wanted to admit it or not. He deserved to know that his girlfriend was seeing another person in her dreams. That you were tied to her for the rest of your life. 

“Because I am your soulmate, Lindsey,” You said as though it was obvious, unable to stop it as it slipped past your lips. “Does that mean nothing to you?” 

“We are friends,” She gritted out, emphasizing the words. “I have a-,“ 

“Boyfriend that you love, yes I’ve heard,” You spat back, waving your hand dismissively. It was an old argument, and frankly, you were tired of it. “What are you going to do when he finds his soulmate? I’m not some fucking consolation prize,”

“That’s not. We’re not” She stuttered, her blue eyes wide, but you still couldn’t stop. 

“We’re not what Lindsey?” You asked, bitterness creeping into your voice. Bitterness you hadn’t shown her before. “We’ve been dancing around this since we were 16. We’ve kissed more times than I can count. We would have fucked again after the World Cup if Kelley hadn’t knocked on the fucking door, or did you forget that part of our relationship,” 

She shook her head, shoving herself up from the table, but you followed her. 

You knew you were pushing her, but you couldn’t be ignored. You felt like a volcano erupting, the words bubbling out of you like lava. “How long have you known I was in love with you? How long have you used that to get me to bend to your will? Friends don’t do the things that we do!” 

You watched her face morph from shock to anger. Her features hardened before your eyes. 

You had pushed too far. 

“Look, it’s not my fault that you’ve incorporated me into some gay fantasy of yours. We’re friends,” She hissed and you recoiled like you had been slapped. 

The words felt like venom, her voice the needle injecting it straight into your veins. 

“What?” 

It was the only word you could think of as your brain tried to process what she was saying. As she used the words your mother had used against you when she kicked you out. 

“It’s your pattern,” She said, her lips curling. “You did it with Tobin in France. You did it with Emily in Portland. I’m just the next poor soul on your list,” 

“No Sonnett is my friend-“ you stumbled over your words, trying to order your thoughts, but she cut you off with a vicious smirk. “And you and her were fucking until she found Kelley,” 

Your eyebrows furrowed. you had never slept with Emily. She had been hung up on Kelley just like you we stuck in Lindsey. The only difference was that her and Kelley hadn’t blurred the line like you and Lindsey did. “What the actual fuck are you talking about?”

“She was the one who found you in Florida. You shared her one-bedroom apartment, and you followed Tobin around like a lost puppy in France,” 

“Tobin helped me stop our coach from molesting both of us Lindsey,” You ground out, your voice shaking. “Tobin made sure he didn’t fucking kill me with the extra training sessions and lack of food. If anything, she was the one following me around.” 

Your chest heaved, but you weren’t finished. “Emily only knows about Florida because they wouldn’t let me check out of the hospital after I went surfing drunk. She didn’t want me to be alone while I was dealing with the fallout of You. We have never slept together,” 

You couldn’t help the way you sneered around the word. You couldn’t help how your fist clenched in the table cloth, shifting the too-expensive dining set. 

You wanted her to acknowledge you. 

“That’s not the point,” She bit back. 

“Then what is?” You asked, your hand hitting the table, all of your feelings finally pouring out. “I fucking love you. And I thought that you felt the same. We were back in that godforsaken city and you were kissing me. We would have-“ You shook your head, your voice turning earnest. “It was almost perfect,”

Silence hung between you, punctuated only by your heavy breathing. 

Her lips pressed tightly together, and you thought maybe you had gotten through to her. But something flashed in her eyes and her features hardened. She picked up her wine glass and swirled the red liquid around. 

“I am not gay,” She grit the words out, looking away from you as if she didn’t care about the damage she would inflict and sipping her glass. “I don’t love you, and it’s not my fault that you caught feelings,” 

You let the words sink in. Let them permeate your chest like acid, and erode the final bit of your aching heart. A cool numbness was already spreading out from the wound like you had been shot. 

You knew it was too good to be true during the World Cup. That her pursuit of you, her willingness to be around the team with you was nothing more than a fling. A whim caused by the bubble and excitement. 

You cleared your throat, closed your eyes, and hoped to wake up so you could release your emotions in peace. “I can’t keep my promise,” 

******

Lindsey jolted awake, her eyes snapping open, all of her nerves on edge like she had been dumped in ice water. Her breathing came in short pants as she sat up, her hand pressing into her eyes. 

She had never heard of people being so… jarred by the dreams they shared with their soulmates. She had never heard of them ending so abruptly.

Then again, most people didn’t try to deny their soulmate. 

She let out a breath, grinding her palms into her eyes further, trying to un-sear your blank expression from her mind. 

She knew that look well. You used it every time you had to deal with your family or your PSG coach. It was your way of shielding yourself. Of pulling away so nothing could hurt you. 

She had never had that look directed at her, and it made her soul ache. 

She had never planned on hurting you, it had just kind of… happened. 

The relief that had flooded through her the moment she saw you for the first time in her dreams was indescribable. It was like the moment your goalie makes a save in a PK shootout. No. It was more. It was the moment you score after the save. 

But then she remembered. She could feel her parents' words etched into her very existence. 

She was meant to grow up and find the man of her dreams. Her knight in shining armor. 

Her mother had filled her head from the time she was small with stories of princes sweeping her off her feet. Her father had told her about the strapping young man who would make all of her dreams come true one day. The young man who she would share everything with, including her sleep. 

And both of her parents dismissed her queries about what would happen if her soulmate wasn’t a man. They had waved away her questions with easy quotes from the Bible and their pastor, and they had drilled into her head that all of her “teenage feelings” were just a phase. 

She was convinced she would outgrow them, but then. Well, then she met you. 

And you made her question everything. 

It wasn’t just that you were smart and funny and gorgeous. It was how kind your heart was. How you would give up the world to make her smile on a bad day. It was how your tough exterior had cracked just for her. 

It made butterflies erupt in her chest and tingles followed everywhere you touched. You made her feel warm and seen and… she couldn’t help but give in to those feelings. 

At first, it was in small ways, sharing your bed in France (something that brought you both immense comfort), stealing small kisses and light touches in the underbelly of stadiums. Little things that had grown into more, until the lines were so blurred she didn’t know where you stopped and she began. 

All that you had been missing was a label, so she conveniently picked one that didn’t make her afraid. One her parents wouldn’t question. 

You were her friend and the secret benefits attached never needed to be mentioned.

She pushed her feelings for you away under the ruse of platonicity. 

It was easy. It was doable. 

Until the two of you were roomed together in the bubble, trapped in a country that gave the both of you nightmares. 

She finally let herself give in to the feelings in her chest. She let her touches linger, no matter who could see. She let herself joke and enjoy your bright smiles in front of her friends. She let herself let go of the fear that being caught staring and watching still evoked. 

You looked so kissable in the locker room after the final, bragging about your game-winning goal, your dimples poking out. You looked so kissable in your stupid goggles, covered in champagne. And she…

Lindsey just couldn’t help herself. 

She hadn’t thought twice about pulling you into a spare equipment closet. She hadn’t thought twice about the way your lips pressed together or the heat that built between you in seconds. She hadn’t thought about her roving hands and how good you felt until…

If Kelley hadn’t knocked on the door, there was no telling how far the two of you would have gone. 

As you broke apart, staring at her like she hung the moon and the stars and… reality finally hit her. She couldn’t have you and keep her family. The lines were too blurred and before she could think, words were falling from her lips, matching your falling expression. she was kicking you out and you looked...hurt was too simple of a word to describe it. 

That was where her options had ended. 

You disappeared into the night, only reappearing to get on the plane, attend a parade, and then you were gone again. 

It only reinforced the lessons her parents had taught her. She would find a reliable man to support her. A man who would care for her and follow her. A man who would help her give her parents grandchildren. 

And she had. 

She sighed heavily, glancing to her left where he lay, sound asleep. 

He was good. He listened but never pushed. He held her when she cried, even when he didn’t know why. He who helped her put her broken pieces back together. 

But he wasn’t you. 

And she knew that by choosing him and protecting herself she was hurting you. An unintentional casualty she had thought of it as. Except nothing about that dream had been unintentional. 

“Fuck,” 

She dragged her hand through her hair, her elbow barely brushing him. He still jolted awake. 

“Wha, babe?” Ty asked, his voice husky as she lurched to a sitting position. “You alright?” 

She hated that her brain instantly compared you to him. How your voice sounded so much sexier than his. How you were a deeper sleeper, and didn’t jump when you woke up. How you would have wrapped her in your arms before asking questions? 

She shook her head, leaning into his side, telling him that she wanted to be held. “Yeah, bad dream,” 

It took him a second to catch on and wrap a loose arm around her. “I’m here,” He placed a very sweet kiss on her hairline. 

She let out a shuddering breath. It was too close to something you would do. “I know,” 

He was there for now, but she couldn’t stop your words from echoing in her head. 

They had talked about what they would do when they found their soulmates, how they would prefer to be with each other rather than with some random person. 

But you weren’t a random person. 

How was she supposed to tell this man? This kind man, who had picked up the pieces her fear had created. that she had found her soulmate and she wanted to go back on every promise she had ever made? 

Especially when you weren’t going to keep your promise to her. 

*****

As it turned out, 48 hours with little more than a power nap did wonders on your psyche.

You were nearing the punch-drunk stage of exhaustion before you even stepped onto the pitch. And dealing with Emily and Kelley trying to stop you for 98 minutes had sapped every last bit of fake energy you had. 

Winning the game helped, but by the time Christen and Tobin were loading you in the car for dinner, you were dead on your feet. And the anxiety about what Lindsey had or had not said to Emily had you on edge as you entered the restaurant. 

The too-fancy restaurant, with white table cloths, red rose centerpieces, and gold-rimmed plates. 

You bit your lip as you were seated, trying to force the dream from your mind. 

But as it turned out, Lindsey hadn’t told Emily anything, and that made things so much more difficult. 

It made Emily and Kelley more curious, and more focused on your every move. You could feel their eyes tracing your every movement, glued to the way Tobin pulled out your chair and Christen sent you a meaningful look when she passed you the menu. 

You knew Emily wanted an explanation for why you had been ignoring her, but you weren’t sure how to put it into words. So you avoided it. 

You avoided making eye contact or engaging in conversation and focused too hard on the menu. 

“Sanchez is super stoked for the next few camps,” Kelley said, nodding her head toward you. “She thinks she can pull out some crazy services with our ducky,” 

You hummed, peeking up at her from behind your menu, using it as a shield. 

Considering how cracked and broken your chest felt, you doubted you would be making many connections at camp. You doubted you would be able to function in the same proximity as Lindsey, much less focus on soccer. 

You didn’t think you would be able to get out of your head enough to do it. 

“She seems scrappy,” You mumbled, your eyes barely flickering towards Emily, trying to avoid the place setting. 

It had the sludge sloshing in your stomach. You couldn’t help how you idly scratched at the point right above your heart. 

It’s not my fault you’ve incorporated me into some gay fantasy. It’s your MO.

You cleared your throat, chasing her voice from your head. “If she can keep up, it’ll be fun to see how we link,” 

“She’s deadly when she connects with Trin,” Kelley said, sending a look between you and Emily. “I’m sure you two will find your groove too,” 

You tried to ignore their secret conversation. The evidence that it wasn’t the first time you were the subject. 

“It’s not surprising her and Trin are soulmates really,” Emily added, sipping her glass of red wine. 

You couldn’t help the way your eyes zeroed in on it. The way the liquid in the glass pressed to red lips had your heart pounding in your chest. 

It was stupid for you to get so worked up over a glass of wine. For the mere mention of soulmates to send you over the edge, but it did. 

“Ali and JJ had their hands full trying to keep track of them,” Trying to hide the concerned look she sent your way. 

You hadn’t even realized your hand was clutching your chest, clawing at your cracked heart. 

Tobin's arm landed heavily on your shoulder, an innocuous move that was meant to ground you. To keep you in the present. “I could tell Trinity was getting frustrated, especially with Girma,” 

“She's young,” Kelley nodded. “Once she matures a bit she’s going to be as much of a force as Alex and you three,” 

“Are you ok?” Emily asked before anyone could respond, reaching across the table to lay her hand over yours. “You look like you’re gonna be sick,” 

You pulled away like you had been burned. The action was too familiar. It was too close. 

“I’m good, I’ve just gotta go to the bathroom,” You said too quickly, pushing yourself away from the table. “I’ll be back,” 

You didn’t give anyone a chance to reply before you bolted from the table, hanging a right (nearly missing a very startled waiter) and crashing into the bathroom door like it was a Canadian defender. 

You stumbled into the sink, clutching the sink like it was a lifeline, praying that the cool granite countertop could calm the wave crashing through your chest. The unrelenting tsunami unleashed by Lindsey’s words. 

It was pathetic. You were pathetic. 

Some gold-ringed plates and red wine had sent you over the fucking edge. The mention of soulmates shouldn’t send your chest tight, but it did. 

You should be able to have a normal conversation with your friends. You shouldn’t fear that the simple mention of something would make you hurt so badly. 

It was a you problem. They shouldn’t suffer for it. 

You sucked in a short, wheezy breath, your fingers wrapping in your shirt to pull your collar down. 

Pathetic. The voice in your head hissed. No wonder she doesn’t want you. 

Your other hand pressed harder into the counter, dipping your head towards the metal faucet. You almost wished you had turned it on. 

“You have to breathe,” Emily’s voice suddenly said, very close to your ear. Her arms wrapped carefully around your stomach, one hand catching your own. “Come on, match my breathing ducky,” 

You leaned back into her body, feeling her heartbeat against your back with each exaggerated breath she took for your benefit. 

It burned to try and match her, matching the ever-present ache that had been there since Lindsey rejected you. The sludge in your stomach expanded and contracted with each breath you tried to take. 

You hadn’t felt this way since the night of the World Cup. Since Kelley knocked on the door and Lindsey had told you to get out. Since she told you you were nothing.

“I know it hurts, but you need to breathe,” Emily said, pulling you back towards her so she was hugging you from behind. 

You nodded, your lips pressing together tightly, your eyes slipping closed as you tried to focus on her. On the way, her arms felt around you. The way each breath hit your ear and moved against you. 

“Come on, breathe in” She hummed, sucking in a deep breath and waiting for you to follow her. You counted to 8 in your head, holding it for 4 before releasing it for 6. And repeating it. 

With each iteration, your relaxed father back into Emily, until most of your weight was leaning against her. 

She held you for a long moment, letting you gather yourself, and keeping a hand on your back as you pulled away. 

“Good?” She asked gently. 

“Yeah, good,” You nodded, your voice horse as you leaned towards the faucet, running cool water over your face before turning to face her. “Thanks,” 

“Anytime,” She said, watching you carefully, like you were a wounded animal she was afraid to back you into a corner, holding out a paper towel so you could dry your face. “You gonna tell me what that was about?”

You shrugged. It had been happening to you a lot lately, the feeling that your chest was going to collapse on itself. Between Lindsey and the never-ending stream of calls from your brother, you knew they would only get that much worse. 

“You haven’t had a panic attack since France,” She continued, her voice ticking up and you knew that she wanted more of an explanation. 

You shook your head. You didn’t want to think about France anymore, or how Emily had found you in the same position after Lindsey kicked you out. How she had held you together for the night while the rest of the team celebrated. 

The only difference was that you couldn’t escape this time. There wasn’t a time limit for you to paint a smile on your face and pretend to be fine. 

“I’m fine,” You croaked, avoiding her eyes. 

“You’re not,” Emily countered, taking a step towards you, holding your hand up to stop her. You couldn't do this if she was close to you. “And I can’t help you unless you tell me what’s happening,” 

You shivered at the words. The same ones she had used before she checked you out of the hospital in Florida. 

“I just have a lot on my mind,” You muttered, pressing the paper towel into your eyes. 

“You’ve had a lot on your mind since camp,” She scoffed, hopping up on the counter next to you. “What’s going on?”

You let out a long sigh, knowing that she wasn’t going to let this go. She had refused to let anything go since she signed you out of the hospital. Since the nurse told her they had put you on a suicide hold. 

you blew out a long breath, weighing the words in your mouth. 

“I met my soulmate, and it’s complicated,” You said carefully. “I had the dream at camp and things have been difficult,” 

“And Lindsey is hurt, even though she has a boyfriend?” She asked, connecting the dots differently than you thought she would. “That’s why you’ve been avoiding all our calls and texts, even tonight,” 

She gestured towards your still buzzing phone. 

“Something like that,” You muttered, finally looking up at her.

She sent you a small, sad smile. You just appreciated there was no pity in her look. She was one of the few who was aware of the true nature of your relationship. One of the few who treated you like you weren’t fragile after you came back. One of the few who held you accountable. 

“We’ll figure it out,” She said solemnly. “At camp Kelley and I will run interference. You can forget about the drama and enjoy the game,” 

You shook your head. “I’m just so tired,” You admitted, finally letting your pain and exhaustion show on your face. Showing her that your soul was slowly seeping from your body. 

Emily pulled you close to her, and you fell into the comfort, burying your face in her chest, much like the night she had found you in France.

She squeezed you tightly as though she was holding all of your pieces together. Like she knew you were forgoing sleep to avoid your soulmate. Avoiding Lindsey. “Come on. Let’s go back, we’ll eat, and then you can get some sleep,” 

“Ok,” You agreed, letting her guide you out of the bathroom and to your seat, completely ignoring Kelley’s questioning eyes and Christen’s worried expression. 

“Everything alright?” Tobin finally asked, breaking the uncomfortable silence that had settled over the table, looking right at you. 

“Yeah, all good,” You mumbled. “I think I’m just going to get a cheeseburger,” 

You ignored Emily’s low scoff at the change of subject and Kelley’s raised eyebrow. 

The sludge in your stomach rocked but didn’t flair up like you expected it to. 

“Fishy and King said they were good here,” You added. 

“They said their onion rings were fire too,” Tobin jumped in, and you knew that it was just because she would get details of whatever had happened later, but for now she allowed you to change the subject. 

Christen hummed across the table, and you breathed a sigh of relief as the conversation restarted. 

You tried to relax and just enjoy your friends.

There would be time to worry later. 

******

Tobin had learned a long time ago that you didn’t always express yourself in words. She had learned to instead watch you because your body language always gave you away. She learned that you would tell her what was bothering you eventually, and that patience was the most useful tool she had. 

So that’s what she did, despite how much she wanted to know what happened in the bathroom. 

She watched as Kelley and Emily pulled unwilling smiles from your lips. As they got your shoulders to relax and genuine laughs to escape your 

It was the happiest she had seen you in months. The most… alive, despite how you flinched each time your phone buzzed in your pocket. 

You still hadn’t told her and Christen exactly who was calling you. 

She smiled as you leaned heavily into Christen as you all made your way down the sidewalk, towards the Washington Spirit hotel, making small talk with Emily. 

The small curve of your lips was a win in her opinion. She could see the effects of the soulmate bond. The slow decay of your soul was a painful inevitability, and your hesitancy to share your pain with them was hard for her. You had been better about coming to them, but you were still hesitant, and she knew the pressure was mounting 

She worried about what would happen when her and Christen weren’t there for support. 

“You gonna tell me what’s going on, or do I have to wait for whatever BS story she told Em?” Kelley nudged Tobin’s ribs, nodding her head towards you. “Whatever happened in the bathroom looked pretty intense, and she was looking rough even before that,” 

“It probably was,” Tobin said half under her breath, her eyes never leaving you. “She’s just… she’s going through a lot right now. I’m pretty sure Chris and I don’t even know the whole story,”

Kelley raised an eyebrow, a clear indication that she wanted more information, earning a long sigh from Tobin. 

The midfielder-turned-forward’s eyes cut to Emily meaningfully. “All we know is that it’s a… personal thing,”

Soulmates shared everything, they held no secrets between them. It was an inherent downside to sharing your dreams with someone. So if she told Kelley, then Emily would know too, and she wasn’t about to betray your trust. 

Kelley followed her eyes, understanding blooming in her features. 

“Don’t worry, I won’t share more than I have to. I just want to help,” She said more softly, honesty in her tone. “What’s the personal thing?”

“It’s a problem with her soulmate,” Tobin said softly, the words barely above a whisper like it would soften the blow, but Kelley still recoiled. 

It all made sense. The dark circles under your eyes, the ache that coated every one of your movements, the exhaustion a simple smile brought. 

Kelley knew the symptoms well. 

“That sucks,” She sighed. 

You were such a good kid, and you never seemed to catch a break. 

“Majorly,” Tobin agreed, remembering how you had cried in her arms. “I’m worried about how she’ll be at camp,” 

She didn’t mention that you dealing with Lindsey on your own was something that made her very nervous. She didn’t mention that she was concerned about your propensity for self-destruction or running away. 

It had taken both her and Emily to track you down to Florida. She didn’t want to find you living in a tent on the beach. She didn’t want to have to convince you that being with your friends was worth dealing with your feelings. She didn’t want to get a call that you weren’t allowed to check out of a hospital by yourself. 

“Em and I will keep an eye on her,” Kelley said, catching Tobin's arm... “I’m sure Lindsey will help too,” 

Tobin grimaced, her eyes turning dark. “Let’s keep Lindsey out of it,” 

Kelley’s head tilted to the side, squinting. Lindsey was your best friend. The two of you had been inseparable until last camp. But she thought better of it than to comment. She knew the past the two of you shared after all. 

“Is that who’s blowing up her phone?” Kelley asked, her brain working to catch up. “Or is it the random soulmate?” 

Tobin shook her head, running a hand frustratedly through her hair. “She won’t tell us who has been calling her nonstop. It was so bad she stashed her phone in a sock drawer,” 

Kelley’s eyebrows furrowed. Tobin wasn’t kidding when she said you were dealing with a lot. It seemed like the perfect mess of things. A web of pain with you at the epicenter. She just worried they wouldn’t be able to untangle you until it was too late. 

“We’ll keep an eye on her. I promise,” Kelley said solemnly, already knowing that Emily planned to watch out for you anyway. She had been worried for weeks, and now that the younger defender had definitive proof there was something wrong, there would be no stopping her. Kelley had already agreed to be along for the ride. “Now let’s try to keep her in a good mood. She deserves that,” 

You were always there for Emily, and she was determined to be there for you. You were like a little sister, she just hoped you would let her help. 

*****

Kelley knew within the first hour of camp that Tobin had been right to be worried. 

You were like a shell of yourself. She had seen it briefly at dinner, but being around you for an extended period exemplified how not ok you were. 

Your easy smile was gone, as was the light that always seemed to follow you. 

The only place you weren’t completely off was the field. 

You were cutthroat, slicing up the young defense with no mercy. You barely took the time to direct like you normally would, and it seemed you had no patience for the new midfield to catch up. You didn’t explain or teach. And you had simply shrugged when Kelley asked why. 

It was more selfish than you normally played and it was painfully obvious you were more focused on winning than having fun or helping the rest of the team. 

It was just so not like you, and other people on the team were starting to notice. 

But you seemed unbothered by the attention. The stares. You had barely looked at any of them. 

The only one you seemed to notice was Lindsey, something that didn’t surprise her considering what Emily told her about the bathroom incident. 

There was just something off about the story though. Something off about Lindsey’s reaction. It wasn’t… the reaction she would have expected if Lindsey was upset about you finding your soulmate. 

“You look like a creeper,” Emily hummed, kissing her cheek, wrapping her arms around her soulmate, and resting her head on her shoulder, following her gaze. “You’ve been staring for a long time,” 

“Just trying to read the dynamic,” Kelley mumbled, squinting as you nodded down another one of Sanchez’s crosses, and Huerta lined up to send one in from the other side.

You had been reluctant to agree to their request after practice, only saying yes to avoid Lindsey (from what Kelley could tell). 

Lindsey glared at the pair as they asked you, cutting off her attempt to get close to you while you were getting water. That glare hadn’t stopped, even as you headed back towards the pitch. 

Lindsey was blatant with the daggers she was sending toward Sofia and Sanchez. But it didn’t strike Kelley as friendly jealousy. 

She was trying too hard to close the distance. She was watching you too closely. 

It was too much. 

“Looks like jealousy to me,” Emily chuckled, tightening her arms around Kelley’s waist, and kissing just behind her ear. “She’s totally jealous,”

“But what kind of jealous?” Kelley asked slowly, leaning into Emily’s lips. “Watch,” 

Emily followed her gaze. Lindsey stood on the sideline, arms crossed, watching where Huerta was setting up a cross. The midfielder glared at the young defender, muttering something neither Kelley nor Emily could hear just before she took the cross. 

It was slightly off-target, but that wasn’t a problem for you. You bodied it down and finished it easily with a heel flick. 

Even without defenders around it was impressive. 

It shouldn’t be that easy. 

“You curl it where she’s going, not where she is,” Lindsey hissed towards Huerta, as you kicked the ball out of the net, passing it to Sanchez. 

Emily’s eyebrows furrowed when you didn’t stick up for the youngins like you normally would. But then again, that would require interacting with Lindsey. 

It was strange to see Lindsey so moody, so… unhelpful. 

“It can’t be Sofia right?” Emily asked. 

Kelley snorted at the question. Sofia was sweet, but she tiptoed around you, and not in the way that would indicate anything remotely romantic. Plus you had been on a team with her before you went to Angel City. Things wouldn’t have gotten as out of hand as they had. 

“Tobin would have murdered Huerta,” Kelley muttered thoughtfully. “And Y/n has barely looked at either of them,” 

The only person you had made eye contact with was Lindsey. 

“It can’t be one of our teammates Kelley,” it was Emily’s turn to scoff. “She’s tearing herself apart and none of them would do that to her,” 

The team held soulmates above all else, and as far as she knew, none of them would hurt you that way. None of them would stand by idly while the dark circles grew under your eyes and the light left your smile. None of them would let you self-destruct trying to make them happy. 

Kelley’s shoulders lifted and fell. “I think the more pressing issue is her sleep schedule,” 

“Christen already warned me,” Emily agreed. “She goes days without it if you don’t watch her,” 

“I’ll talk to Alex and get it swapped,” Kelley said. “She’ll understand and agree,” 

Their eyes watched you as you walked away from the youngins and finally settled onto the bench. Your exhaustion was obvious in the slump in your posture, the way you barely lifted your arm to squirt water into your mouth, even though you were trying to hide it. 

You glanced down at your phone, glaring at the small device. You let out a long sigh, before pushing yourself to your feet and walking away from the group to answer the call. 

“We need to figure out what’s going on outside of the soulmate thing too,” Kelley mumbled, her eyebrows furrowing. “Cause whatever it is can’t be good either,” 

Emily hummed in agreement. “Definitely,” 

*****

It wasn’t that Kelley liked to snoop. It was just that it was too easy to follow after you when you hadn’t reappeared on the field after you took the phone call. 

It had been too enticing to deny.

They needed to know what they were dealing with, and hearing part of that conversation would tell them what you wouldn’t. Plus Kelley was like an older sister, protective and overbearing in her own way. 

She could get away with a little spying, and if you caught her, you would be more likely to open up rather than flip out. 

Kelley also wasn’t stuck between you and Lindsey. She had always been closer to you. 

So she crept up to the door that separated the bathroom from the locker room. She pressed the door open just enough to be able to see your form, pacing back and forth, the phone pressed to your ear. 

“Stop calling me Tyler. Nothing has changed, even now,”  You growled, your lips forming a tight line. “I don’t care that she’s dying,” 

She frowned at the mention of your brother. 

You ran a hand through your hair, tugging harshly at the strands as you listened to whatever he was saying, your head already shaking. 

“There is nothing to consider, stop calling me. I only need to know when it’s done,” You spat into the phone, ripping it away from your ear and jabbing at the screen before you tossed it carelessly toward your locker. 

You looked like you wanted to scream or cry, or hit something, and Kelley felt her heart break for you. 

You were always the strong one. You pretended to be fine for everyone else’s sake. It was rare you let your vulnerability show. Rare enough that Kelley had never seen it herself. 

You turned, content on pacing the small room again, only to freeze in your tracks at what Kelley assumed was a person at the door that connected the locker room to the hallway. 

She leaned forward, catching blonde hair and white nail polish over crossed arms. 

Lindsey, she thought. 

The midfielder pushed off of the door, taking the three steps it took to close the space between you. Kelley wasn’t sure how long Lindsey had been watching you. She wasn’t sure how much of the conversation she had heard. 

Your posture changed, and your eyes hardened. “Look, I can’t deal with you too right now, alright?” 

The coldness of your tone shook Kelley to the core. She wasn’t sure if you had ever used anything like it before. 

“Deal with me?” Lindsey scoffed, exasperated stepping closer, so the two of you were nearly touching. “Can’t I just be a concerned friend?” 

“We are not friends,” 

Your voice was like ice. A knife razor sharp, and unyielding. You delivered it with a tilt of your chin, a glint in your eyes. A heavy blow thrown with complete accuracy. A blow to what Kelley didn’t know, but from the way Lindsey’s face fell, she knew the shot had landed. 

It didn’t make sense. Not unless- 

Kelley’s jaw dropped at the implication. Lindsey couldn’t be your-

“So you’ve said,” Lindsey said back, her voice too even, too calm despite the pain laced in it. But she didn’t leave your space. 

“Don’t do that,” You snapped, shoving a finger in her chest and finally putting distance between you. Kelley winced at the action. 

“What?” Lindsey bit back, her chin tilted up in defiance, her arms spread out to the side.“I’m not doing anything,” 

Kelley held her breath. There was more being said than the words between you, and the way your back straightened at Lindsey’s sentence was as bad a sign as she had seen. 

“You’re never doing anything,” You spat back. “Perfect Lindsey is always the victim, right? It’s big bad Y/n who is in the wrong, preying on the innocent right?” 

You spat the words like venom. Like there was something else that went with them. A line that both you and Lindsey knew, but Kelley did not. 

Lindsey’s face fell. “I don’t-“ 

“You never fucking do!” You shouted, a flush traveling up your neck to your cheeks as your fists clenched. Hurt and anger permeating your entire being. “You can stop being a bitch to Sanchez and Huerta. They’re kids who won’t leave me the fuck alone,”

Lindsey let out a long sigh, pinching the bridge of her nose. “Look I’m sorry about what I said, ok?”

“No. It’s not ok Lindsey,” You answered, your voice soft but cold as ever.  “It will never be ok,” 

“What do you want from me?” Lindsey pleaded. “What do I say to fix it?”

You paused, staring at her like she had grown a third head. 

“Fix it? You haven’t even told your fucking boyfriend yet, have you?” you asked the word bitterly, and her silence was enough of an answer for both you and Kelley. You shook your head. “You’re un-fucking-believable, you know,” 

And it all made sense to Kelley. The tension between the two of you. Your pain. 

“I don’t-“ Lindsey stuttered, but you cut her off easily. 

“You do,” You said, a weight of finality in your tone. “Just leave. me. alone. Don’t look at me. Don’t talk to me. Don’t corner me. Just stay away from me,” 

The words were punctuated by the sound of you grabbing your bag, and Kelley stumbled back into one of the stalls, hoping you wouldn’t catch her. 

But she wasn’t fast enough, caught in the curtain as you pushed your way through the door. 

You rolled your eyes at the defender, more irritated by Lindsey than Kelley’s eavesdropping. 

You already expected the extra ears, especially after your episode at dinner with Kelley, Emily, and Preath. They were nosey, even if it was for the right reasons. 

You chose to ignore her as you picked your own shower stall, partially because you didn’t want to address it, but also because you didn’t know if you could speak without your voice cracking and you didn’t want to lose it here. Not with her in the next room, or your friends around to see. 

You were not an emotional person, and being so raw made you uncomfortable. 

“That seemed like a rough conversation,” Kelley said finally, stepping so she could lean on the frame of the entrance to your stall.

You blew out a long, shaky breath, dropping your extra clothes and towel on the little chair. 

“Not you too,” You grumbled. “what’s with you and Emily cornering me in bathrooms,” 

“What’s with you running to them?” Kelley countered, raising an eyebrow at you.

You closed your eyes, your head leaning back on the shower wall with a thump. 

The sludge in your stomach sloshed unyieldingly. The pain in your chest echoing out with each beat of your heart. You unconsciously brought your hand up to clutch over the area, your nails digging into the sensitive skin through your shirt. 

“I don’t want to talk about this alright?” 

Kelley softened at the quiet, vulnerable request, reaching up to catch your hand, flattening it against her palm. “You’re shaking,” 

You bit your lip, nodding down to your chest. “It hurts,” 

Her eyes followed your gesture, and her heart sank a little bit more. 

She knew the symptoms of soulmate sickness. She had experienced its effects for herself. That wasn’t something she wanted you to have to go through. 

“Let me see,” She said softly, waiting for you to nod before she reached for you. 

She was gentle as she pulled your practice jersey over your head, her breath catching when she saw the black mark on your chest, right over your heart. 

It was dark at the very center, several rings of what looked like bruises surrounded it and a web of black veins sprouted from the center. 

It was a physical symptom of your emotional pain. A visual representation of rejection from a soulmate. The necrotic tissue spreading from your crushed heart. 

She watched as the veins pulsed, pushing the dark color further from the epicenter, eating away at your chest. 

“Oh my god,” She breathed out, her eyes snapping to yours. “Do Tobin and Christen know?” 

You nodded once. It was hard to hide when you were living on their couch. Plus they had been there when the first black mark appeared. “It wasn’t this bad until last week. Things kinda took a turn,” 

“I can see that,” She said, retracting her hand when you winced after she lightly touched the angriest of the black veins. “Was this before or after your stopped sleeping,”

“I stopped sleeping after she rejected me the first time,” You scoffed, gritting your teeth when the pain pulsed yet again. 

“Well that’s not gonna continue,” Kelley said sternly.  “I swapped with Alex,” 

“Of course, you did,” You groaned. “I don’t need a parent,” 

“No, you don’t,” She said slowly. “But you don’t have to struggle through all of this alone,” 

You gulped, as her eyes searched you before she pulled you into a tight hug. You buried your face in her neck, letting her strong arm and scent soothe you. 

“I’m not pushing Lindsey away because I want to be alone,”

“No, you’re pushing her away because it hurts less,” Kelley agreed, and there was no judgment in her voice. “Because every time you let her close, she cuts you,”

You appreciated that. 

“It didn’t hurt like this until she called it a gay fantasy and accused me of sleeping with all of my friends,” You admitted, your voice barely above a whisper. 

It was only after the dream that the mark appeared. You guessed it was because it was an actual rejection. 

Kelley tensed underneath you, cursing under her breath. That was more than just a complication, and she wished Tobin had been more informative. Unless Tobin didn’t know. 

It made sense why you didn’t want to sleep. Why was your brother bothering you? None of that made sense, but they could only tackle one problem at a time. 

“She’s an idiot,” Kelley said finally, pulling back so she could look you in the eye. “but tearing yourself apart isn’t the answer. You need sleep. Let me help,”

You met her eyes, and you saw the worry. The anger. The understanding that rivaled Tobins. She made you feel safe. 

“Ok,”

******

Kelley was on a warpath so deadly that even Emily didn’t think she could stop her. Frankly, Emily wasn’t sure if she even wanted to stop her. 

Not after Kelley told her. Not after she saw the black mark herself. It made her chest ache just looking at it. 

It was worse that she knew one of her best friends was the cause of it. That Lindsey had not only accused you of sleeping with your friends but dismissed your bond with such vulgar language. 

They had been lucky to make it through dinner without any outbursts, especially with the way Lindsey stared at your every movement, stilted as they were, and the way she was glowering at Emily and Kelley like she knew they knew. 

But Emily wondered if Lindsey knew. If she had given any thought to the consequences of her actions. 

You had only stayed long enough to eat before excusing yourself back to your own room. Lindsey followed, sending a meaningful glare toward the defender pair as she passed. 

“She’s warning us,” Kelley muttered, standing as soon as the door closed. “I don’t like it,” 

Emily sighed, pushing herself to her feet and trailing after her soulmate. “I don’t like any of this,” 

She hoped Lindsey went back to her room. She hoped that Lindsey wouldn’t push, not when you were already so far on edge. 

Her hopes were dashed as the elevator doors binged open and there she was sitting outside your hotel room door. 

“Don’t you know the meaning of stay away?” Kelley growled as they approached the midfielder. Emily placed a gentle hand on Kelley’s arm, hoping to prevent the second half of the sentence. The match that would light the inevitable blow up. 

“She’s probably asleep,” Emily said, her grip on Kelley tightening. Afraid of what the defender would say. “She said she wanted to nap after she finished eating,” 

It had been a fight to get you to agree that you desperately needed a nap. A fight to get you to recognize that the only way to deal with the stress of camp was to give your body the support it needed. 

“She probably exhausted herself flirting with the kids,” Lindsey grumbled, patting the carpeted floor. 

“She exhausted herself protecting the little bit she has left.” Kelley snapped back.  “We could only convince her to sleep because we promised we’d prevent you from following her there. Prevent you from cornering her again,” 

It had been true. They swore they would make sure Lindsey stayed awake so you could avoid another unwanted confrontation, one Lindsey seemed intent on having. 

You were too tired to fight, and both defenders feared that any more pushing would make the mark on your chest grow. 

“This isn’t all my fault,” Lindsey bit back, shoving herself to her feet and advancing toward Kelley. 

At least it got her away from your door. 

Kelley’s face hardened, and she pressed against Emily’s restraining arm, getting as close to the midfielder as she could. “No. You just belittled the bond you share and accused her of fucking all of her teammates,” 

Lindsey glared, stepping so she was toe to toe with Kelley at the clear challenge. “Are you trying to tell me that Y/n didn’t fuck her way back to the plane in France, or on the beach in Florida?” 

“How fucking blind are you Lindsey,” Kelley scoffed, her chest pushing against Emily’s restraining arm, trying to get closer. 

“Easy,” Emily said, her arm tightening around Kelley, her eyes never leaving the midfielder. “Y/n has been trying to get over you for forever,” 

Lindsey's lip curled at the gentle admission. “And she followed you like a puppy when you brought her back to Portland,” 

A dark look crossed Emily’s face. Both her and Tobin were particularly protective of your time in Florida for a reason. You were a mess when you got back. A self-destructive mess, and it had taken so long to get you out of those habits. To prevent more scars. 

“They were only so close because Em was the one who found her after I found you in the closet,” Kelley answered before she could, her voice turning cruel. “What was it you said to her as you shoved her half-dressed into the hallway? That what you two were doing meant nothing? That she meant nothing?”

Kelley would never forget finding you and Emily that night. The way her own soulmate explained exactly what Lindsey said to you. The guilt she felt at how knocking on a door had set your spiral into motion again. 

But that was nothing compared to this. No. Lindsey had dismissed the bond you shared as a gay fantasy and you were tearing yourself apart over it. 

“She was afraid you would reject her again, or that she would have to pretend the two of you hadn’t blurred the friendship line,” Emily added more softly, finally letting go of Kelley. 

Leaving you alone didn’t feel like a good move right now. 

“Go, check on her,” Kelley said, pushing the blonde defender towards the door with a reassuring smile. “I’ll be good I promise,” 

Kelley waited for the door to close before turning her cold eyes back on the midfielder. 

“She was right to be afraid,” She said, her voice soft but deadly, like a razor running on delicate skin.  “You fucked this up. You were the one who made the choice. Who has made all of the choices? You don’t get to comment on how Y/n protects herself. You need to wake up before you push her too far,” 

With that, she stepped around the stunned midfielder and entered the hotel room too. 

*****

“You told me to call you when it was done,” Your brother's muffled voice met her as she stepped through the door. “It’s done. The service is tomorrow and you’re expected to be there,” 

She frowned at the scene, you perched on the end of the bed next to Emily, pinching the bridge of your nose, the phone held up to your ear. 

“I’ll be there,” You said softly, making eye contact with Kelley, exhaustion clear in your features. 

There was no I love you exchanged between you and your brother as the line went dead. 

Kelley approached you carefully, taking up your other side so you were seated between the defenders. “What’s going on?” 

You ran a hand through your hair, puffing out your cheeks and blowing out a long breath. You took a long moment to order your thoughts, pushing the ones of Lindsey from your mind. 

You could only deal with one problem at a time. 

“My mom died, I have to go,” You said slowly, dragging your hand down your face. “I’ll be back before the next game, but I’ve gotta go,” 

You pushed yourself to your feet and began shoving clothing into your bag. 

“Slow down,” Kelley said, standing and catching your arm as you tried to shove a sweatshirt into your bag. 

You stopped, throwing your head back toward the ceiling with a low groan. Kelley’s hand found your back, silently supporting you. 

“I can’t,” The words slid from your lips, landing like Little rocks on a pond. “I didn’t want to deal with any of this, but I have to,” 

“Your brother is the one who’s been calling you,” Kelley supplied, filling in the gap. 

You nodded. “My mother was in hospice. Her dying request was a conversation with me,” 

“She had no right to ask for that,” Emily said, moving to stand on your other side. “Not after the way you grew up,”

You bit your lip. 

“Y/n,” Kelley sighed, rubbing your back. 

You shook your head. You didn’t have a choice in this. In any of it. 

“Well she did, and now she’s dead,” You said finally, pulling yourself out of their comforting arms and towards your bag.  “It’s another thing I’ve fucked up,”

The only good thing about this situation was that you would be back in time for the game against South Korea in Kansas City. That the game was in the town you had to go to anyway. 

“Stop. Look at me,” Emily caught your arm again, using a thumb under your chin to force you to look her in the eyes. She raised an eyebrow at you. “you know none of this is your fault right?” 

Your shoulders lifted and fell, and for the first time, she saw the little spark in your eyes go dead. It was the first time she saw the full toll of the soulmate bond on you. The full force of the pressure from your family and the team. 

“Look. I don’t want to. I haven’t wanted to deal with any of this, but I have to,” Your voice shook as you said the words. You gulped, shoving your feelings into a little box. “So just let me, and try to get along with Linds. She can’t help how she feels, and she doesn’t need the entire team against her,” 

You didn’t want them to fight a fight that wasn’t their own. 

It was between Lindsey and you, and they didn’t need to destroy the team dynamic over something that was your problem. 

You should be able to be her friend. It wasn’t her fault that she didn’t hold the same feelings you did.

The things she said to you were your problem, not your friend’s problem. 

“I have to go,” You said, grabbing your bag. 

Kelley stared at you for a long moment, before pulling you into a hug. “We’re here for you,” 

You let out a breath, accepting the comfort. “I know,” 

You pulled away, nodding at Emily as you walked out the door. 

You should have been expecting Lindsey to be waiting for you. You should have been prepared, but you weren’t. 

You made eye contact with her as you stepped into the hallway, and it made your chest ache. Her burning blue made the ice in your veins prickle, and your heart lurched in your chest. 

You steeled yourself, opting to roll your eyes and step past her. It hurt less than commenting or trying to hold conversation. 

But she didn’t let you pass. Her fingers wrapped around your arm. 

“Y/n wait. Can we talk?” She asked, her fingers tightening slightly at the question. 

You twisted your arm, pulling away, and stepping towards the elevator. You clicked the call button. 

“Maybe you should try again later,” Emily said, sliding between you and Lindsey. 

You could feel her sending you worried looks over her shoulder., trying to act as a mediator between her two best friends. You caught her hand, intent on telling her to stay out of it, that this was your problem, but Lindsey didn’t give you the chance. 

“What’s wrong with now?” Lindsey hissed, stepping closer so she was pressed into Emily, and Emily was pressed into you. 

You took an involuntary step back, breathing a sigh of relief when the elevator binged open. 

You didn’t answer, stepping into the elevator, and making eye contact again as it slid closed. 

“Y/n please!” She pleaded as the door slid closed. 

But you just blinked at her. You didn’t have anything to say back. 

You couldn’t uncap your emotions now. If you did, you wouldn’t be able to stop. 

And you needed to be in control if you were going to face your family. 

*****

Lindsey clutched her chest as the elevator door slid closed as if she was trying to grab the sudden pain that shot through her. 

It was a feeling she had never experienced before. A stabbing sensation that lit her nerve endings on fire. 

You had been so cold. So… indifferent, not towards her at least. 

And she couldn’t stand it. In the locker room, you had been all vitriol and rage. She could understand your anger. She knew how to respond to anger. 

She could throw your pain back at you if you were simply angry. She could be angry in return. She could pretend that she didn’t know she was hurting you. She could pretend that she didn’t loathe herself for it. 

But the way you looked at her. She couldn’t pretend that you weren’t in agony. That you weren’t suffering. 

She didn’t know what to do with it. She didn’t know how to stop. Not without admitting the truth, and that fucking terrified her. 

But losing you terrified her more. It was her greatest fear. 

She had almost convinced herself that she hadn’t lost you. That it was just a disagreement you would get over. But as the elevator doors dinged shut, it was clear that this was different. 

Her phone pinged, and it made her want to vomit. She knew it was him. She hated how her heart no longer leaped for him, but she wasn’t ready to put him out of his misery either. 

She glared down at the device, sliding down the wall next to the elevator, unable to hold herself up. 

“Great fucking timing,” She muttered, rubbing a frustrated hand through her hair. 

She didn’t know how to stop. She didn’t know how to fix it. She just… didn’t know. 

She closed her eyes, tilting her head up to the sky. She wasn’t sure if she believed in a god anymore (just that thought would make her parents’ head roll), but if there was, she wished he would tell her what the fuck to do. She wished he would tell her how the fuck she was supposed to fix this. 

She felt Emily’s eyes on her for a long moment, before the defender slid down the wall to sit beside her. 

“I didn’t mean for this to happen,” Lindsey said, taking a deep, watery breath. “Any of this,” 

“She didn’t leave camp because of you,” Emily’s shoulders lifted and fell. “Her mom died. She’ll be back with us when we get to Kansas,” 

Lindsey sucked in another deep breath.

So that was what your brother was harassing you about. That was the thing he wanted you to do. 

She knew how strained your relationship with your family was. Your mother kicked you out when you were 16 because she found you kissing your high school girlfriend. 

When she called her your… gay fantasy.

She had used the same term to insult you. 

Jesus, how was she so fucking stupid? 

“I’m sorry,”

Lindsey’s voice was heavy, weighed down by emotions she didn’t know how to put into words. 

Emily’s shoulders lifted and fell again. “It’s not me you’ve gotta convince,” 

Lindsey hated how indifferent she sounded too. How careful not to get in the middle. 

And as if on cue, her phone pinged again. 

She glared at the device, straining to prevent herself from throwing it across the room as if it was the root cause of all of her issues. 

It buzzed again in her hand. 

Emily rolled her eyes at the device. “I think the first step to showing her you’re sorry is to have a very important conversation with him,” 

Lindsey frowned. How did Emily know she hadn’t told him yet? “How?” 

“A locker room isn’t a good place for a private chat,” Emily shrugged for the 3rd time, and Lindsey wanted to scream. How was the blonde defender so… blasé? 

It made the ache in her chest throb like the pain was in time with her heart. She rubbed at the spot on her chest, and the weight of Emily’s pitying gaze was too much to handle.

She couldn’t stop the tears that trickled down her cheeks, or the sobs that shook her to her core. 

She didn’t deserve to cry. Not when she was the creation of the entire mess. Not when she was the one to make the choice. 

Emily sighed, wrapping an arm around her shoulder and pulling her close. 

Lindsey gripped her shirt with her free hand like her life depended on it. 

Emily rubbed her back, resting her chin on blonde hair. It killed her to see you both so… distraught. She loved you both so much. No matter how unhappy she was with her friend, the blonde defender wasn’t heartless. She couldn’t sit back while one of her best friends sobbed. 

She hugged Lindsey tightly, rocking side to side. “I’ve got you. You’re ok,” 

Lindsey shuttered against her chest, her tears leaking into Emily’s shirt. 

“I’m so sorry,” Lindsey cried, gripping Emily’s shirt for dear life. 

Emily shushed her softly. “I know,” 

She did know. She had seen the way Lindsey rubbed her chest and knew it was from the bond. The midfielder was getting a small taste of the agony you were in. A small feel of a soul being degraded. 

“I don’t know what to do,” Lindsey hiccupped, pulling away. 

Emily sighed heavily, running a hand through her hair. She didn’t know what to do either, well nothing that Lindsey was ready to do yet (break up with your boyfriend came to the front of her mind). 

But past that, you weren’t at a place where you were ready to forgive Lindsey either. The midfielder hit a very sore spot. She had opened old wounds with little care. Wounds that would take time to heal. 

“Well,” Emily said slowly. “Y/n has a lot to deal with right now. I don’t think pressuring her will help,” 

“So I give up?” Lindsey sniffed. 

Emily shook her head, raising an eyebrow, and instantly correcting her. “I think you give her the space she asked you for,” 

Lindsey nodded once but bit her lip. “What if I see her? I can’t stop the dreams,” 

Maybe a part of her was hoping to see you in a space where you couldn’t run away. Where she could finally get out all the things she wanted to say, even if you weren’t ready to hear it yet. 

“I think you still try to give her space,” Emily cracked a smile as if she was reading the midfielder's mind.  “You remember how to be a good human, don’t you?” 

Lindsey got the look in her eye that she did when they were running film, and she had just found the other team’s weakness. 

“I can do that,” She nodded, her determination clear. 

Emily only hummed in response, I hope you can, echoing in her mind. Because if Lindsey couldn’t, well, that wasn’t a bridge Emily wanted to have to cross. It wasn’t a bridge Emily thought you would survive crossing. 

*****

Lindsey’s nose scrunched as she came into awareness, her arms folding around herself in a tight hug as she shifted on the uncomfortable wooden floor. Goosebumps erupted on her arms and legs, a doomed attempt to fight the cold that surrounded her and settled deep into her bones. 

She shifted again as her eyes blinked open, the floor creaking dangerously below her. She squinted at the dim blue ceiling, trailing down the peeling blue walls. 

It was dark and dingy, unlike the previous dreams the two of you had shared. She idly wondered if it was due to the only source of light being a small window above the bed, or if it was a manifestation of something darker. 

She let out a breath, watching as it left her in a white puff of mist, curling gently around her, highlighting how sad your small form curled on the windowsill looked. 

You matched the room it seemed. 

There was a small twin bed shoved against one wall and a broken dresser that stood at the end of your bed. It surprised her that those were the only items within the 4 walls. You didn’t even have a closet. 

The only part of the room that looked new was the heavy wooden door. It had no handle, only a series of 4 shiny metallic locks. Her eyebrows furrowed. The keyholes were pointed inward. 

She wondered if it was something the dream world had created. A way to force the two of you to have an actual conversation. One that she wasn’t prepared for. 

You had asked for space after all. She assumed that translated to the dream world instead. 

“It locks from the outside,” You answered her unasked question, never looking away from the window. 

Her eyes snapped to you. “What?”

“The door,” You said, turning to wave a hand at the object, and resting your chin on your knees. “My mom used to lock it from the outside,” 

Her breath caught in her throat. She hadn’t expected you to address her. 

The red ring around your eyes was shocking, as was the way it made the Y/e/c in your eyes stand out. The pain in them was raw, real. It made Lindsey’s chest ache. 

“Oh,” She breathed out, the weight of the implication too heavy for her brain to work through. 

She knew your childhood was bad, but seeing the place you had grown up was… something else. It made her feel like she had ice in her beings, prickling at her skin from the inside out. 

You shrugged, letting your legs fall off the sill and sliding onto the small twin bed. It creaked underneath you. “That's why I liked to sleep at the field. At least there I was free,” 

Lindsey swallowed the lump in her throat with a slow nod, trying not to focus on how the mattress dipped under your light weight. 

You leaned forward, your feet resting on the floor, your elbows on your knees and your chin in your hands. And you looked… sad. Pale and completely defeated. Being in this place was more torment than anything else for you, and Lindsey wondered if this was actually the place you were sleeping for the night. 

If your brother was punishing you for ignoring him. If you were surviving your family. 

The silence stretched between the two of you, as you chewed on your bottom lip watching her as she watched you. You reminded her of a wounded animal, backed into a corner. Trapped in a cage you couldn’t escape. 

It made Lindsey’s chest ache. She couldn’t just sit in silence with you. 

“I- I know you don’t believe me, but I’m sorry,” She stuttered out, barely above a whisper. 

You instinctively knew she was telling the truth, and part of you wondered if it was some weird soulmate thing. The other part of you was too… exhausted to care.

You shifted on the bed, carefully rubbing over the spot on your chest, grimacing as you pressed too hard into the tender skin. 

You couldn’t deal with that and your family and Lindsey all at the same time. It was just… too much. 

“Can we just… not?” You asked slowly, and you hated the pain that permeated the sentence. You hated how Lindsey slumped back against the wall at the request. How… hurt she looked. 

You didn’t want to hurt her, no matter how much pain she had inflicted on you. Two wrongs didn’t make a right. 

She was once your best friend. She had held you while you suffered serious abuse in France. She held you together during your first NWSL season, and during the World Cup when the pressure of being back in the place that had hurt you and the need to perform had been too much. She had willingly blurred and crossed lines that you never had before. 

Lindsey had always helped you handle your emotions, and though you didn’t have the right to ask her, you needed her in a way that settled deep in your bones. Like you couldn’t breathe without her. 

You took a deep breath, steeling yourself for the rejection you knew you deserved. 

“Look, I know it’s a lot to ask, but can we just pretend tonight that we don’t hate each other?” You asked, so softly she almost didn’t hear you, staring at the floor right by her feet. 

“What?” Her eyebrows furrowed as you made eye contact again. 

You worried your bottom lip, taking a second to gather the courage to ask her again. “Can we just be the old Y/n and the old Lindsey?” You held out a hand, noticing it was shaking. Your entire body was shaking. “just for tonight? Can we pretend that none of this ever happened?” 

Lindsey had every right to deny you, especially when that was all she had asked of you from the beginning. All she wanted was to keep her best friend, and you couldn’t give her that. You told her you weren’t friends. 

Why in the hell should she give you this now? 

Lindsey gulped, slowly standing and taking your hand. Emily’s words echoed in her head. You remember how to be a good human, don’t you?

“Yeah, we can do that,” 

Your hand squeezed hers once, twice, three times. 

She smiled softly, as you scooted back on the bed, making space for her beside you. She very slowly joined you on the bed, trying not to wince when it nearly collapsed around the two of you. You wiggled your way under her arm, gently settling your head on her chest. 

Warmth bloomed from the spot that you touched. It made the icicles in her veins retreat. It made the pain in her chest shrink. It made her feel… right. 

She let her fingers trace patterns on your back and felt you slowly relax against her. She held you closer when she felt the tears leaking through her shirt and the subtle shake of your back. 

Each little droplet burned her like acid, and the ice followed in their wake. It killed her that she was the reason for them. 

“I don’t hate you,” Lindsey said, breaking the silence between you, staring at a dark patch in the ceiling. “And I had no right to say those things to you. I let my jealousy get the best of me,” 

You hummed in response, rubbing your cheek against her chest. It made the pain in your chest lessen. 

“I’m so so sorry,” She continued, her words disappearing into your hair. 

She didn’t expect a verbal response from you. She didn’t need a verbal response. 

She held you tighter though, smiling when she felt your heart rate slow against her, knowing that at least she was settling you instead of upsetting you tonight. 

You closed your eyes and breathed in her scent, nearly as strong in the dreams as it was in real life. 

“Love you Linds, always,” You mumbled against her, not looking up to see her reaction. 

She stilled beneath you, waiting for your breathing to completely even out before she pressed her lips to the crown of your head. 

“I love you too,” 

Always.

*****

It was scary how exhaustion and pain were becoming an everyday part of your life. How you were used to the stabbing sensation in your chest, and the tingles that sprouted from it. How you were used to the little anvils behind your eyelids. How you were used to fighting your instincts to curl up and hide away. 

By the time you made it to the hotel in Kansas City, you were losing that fight. You felt so heavy, exhaustion hitting you so bone-deep it was integrated into your very being. 

It only took one look at you by the trainers and they were agreeing that a nap in your room was much needed. They let you grab a lunch plate and head up with little question. Kelley and Emily hadn’t bothered you either, only putting the tv on low while you dozed. 

By dinner time, you felt ready to face the team. Well, as ready as you were going to get. 

You rolled your eyes as you stepped into the hallway and saw Lindsey already waiting, seated beside your door, kicking yourself for not getting dressed fast enough to walk down with Kelley and Emily. 

You hoped that this didn’t become a new normal for her. You were too tired to try and avoid her or to confront her head-on. 

“Hey,” She said, scrambling to a standing position.

You tilted your head in acknowledgment, stepping past her and clicking the elevator button. 

It felt eerily similar to the last time the two of you had spoken in person. Except this time she followed you into the elevator. 

“So silent treatment?” She asked mostly to herself as the doors slid shut, trapping the two of you together. 

Your shoulders lifted and fell. You had nothing against talking to Lindsey, you were just so exhausted. 

You knew that you should bring up the shared dream, and the words that she had whispered when she thought you couldn’t hear. You knew you should thank her for comforting you when you had no right to ask for it. 

But what else was there to say? You had said it was only for the night, and you were damned and determined to keep that. She deserved for you to let her be happy, even if it wasn’t with you. 

You were too… raw to hear her say it though. Too raw for her to tell you again that she was going to choose him. That her comforting you had indeed been only for the night. Plus, it didn’t matter what she said while the two of you were alone. You knew the minute you were back with your friends, things would go back to the way they were before the dream, so believing her now would only… hurt more. 

Your chest already ached at the thought. 

Stifling silence was better than being rejected again. 

Lindsey sighed heavily from beside you, placing a heavy hand on your arm, forcing you to look at her. “Look, I just wanted you to know that I meant what I said, All of it,”

You swallowed hard, trying to ignore the way goosebumps erupted across your arm where her skin touched yours. 

You had meant everything that you said too, no matter how much you loathe to admit it, but you were sure Lindsey already knew that. She was by no means blind to how wrapped around her fingers you were. 

She had known that you loved her since you were both barely adults. She had known since the first time the two of you… 

It didn’t matter what she knew. It didn’t matter what she said. She had said it all before, hadn’t she? And you didn’t want to pretend anymore. You were too tired for games. 

You nodded toward her, unwilling to argue. Her eyes tightened, and you could tell that she wanted to say more. 

But you didn’t want to hear it. She could say whatever she wanted, but people’s emotions didn’t change overnight. A dream wasn’t some magical Band-Aid that would fix everything that was broken. Especially when you were the one to say the truce was only for the night. 

Her mouth opened, but the elevator ding interrupted her before she could speak. Before she had the chance to crack the already broken shell you had built around yourself. 

You stared at her for a long moment, frozen in time, trapped in the deep pools of her sorry eyes, before you ripped your arm away from her and darted out of the elevator. 

You were moving so fast, looking behind you that you didn't see his tall, solid form until you were crashing into him. Her arms caught your shoulders as he steadied you.  

“Whoa, easy,” He chuckled. Liquid fire raced from your heart, out to the points he had touched, an unnerving numbing chasing after it. You pulled away from him like you had been burned. 

Your head whipped between him and Lindsey as you stumbled backward. Just as you thought, she only cared for you when no one was watching. 

You had been right not to trust her. 

*****

Pain was slowly becoming your close companion, the low ache in your chest and sludge in your stomach unwelcome friends that refused to leave your company. You closed your eyes tightly, pressing your face further into the cool cloth of the dining table. 

Emily and Kelley's warm hands did little to ease the throbbing emanating from the dark mark on your chest. 

“What is he even doing here?” You groaned into the white cloth, your eyes closed tightly leaning back into the soothing touch of your friends. It did little to help you, but you appreciated the effort. 

You didn’t want to deal with the situation. With him. You had thought about what you would do if you ever met him. If you were ever forced to be in the same room as him, and none of those options seemed viable. 

You were too exhausted, too pained to tell him what you thought of him. You cared for Lindsey too much to expose that she had lied to him, and it hurt too much to pretend like you were fine. 

“It’s her 100 cap celebration,” Kelley supplied, sounding equally as annoyed as you felt. Her finger lightly grazed the angry black line that extended over your shoulder. You doubted that your kit top would cover it, and you worried that the commentators would draw more attention. That after the game you would be flooded with comments from fans who didn’t understand and media outlets who wanted to profit off of your pain. 

They didn’t understand that it was excruciating being forced to watch your soulmate galavant with her boyfriend. You knew you shouldn’t have gotten your hopes up, but It still made you want to vomit. 

“I didn’t think they were still talking. I thought she told him,” Emily mumbled, rubbing your back again as a form of apology. “She hasn’t been taking his calls since you left,” 

You forced yourself upright, shrugging off the hand and grabbing your fork. You angrily stabbed at your fruit. 

You hated that Emily had been caught between the two of you. It had acid pooling in your throat and made the throb moving up your shoulder pulse. Your pain should not be shared by your friends, and yet-

You shook your head, bringing the fruit to your lips. 

You felt dirty. Emily had agreed to help Lindsey and now the midfielder was flaunting her relationship in front of you all. 

“None of this is your fault,” You mumbled, chewing slowly. “It’s on her. She told me she loved me and now…-”

You shook your head again. You didn’t want an apology from Emily or Kelley. You didn’t even want one from Lindsey. You just wanted to be done. To run away and never come back. For it all to just… stop.

“There’s a difference between loving someone and being in love,” Kelley said softly, gently, like you were a fragile thing she was afraid to break. 

You hummed. You knew that. It was just part of you… a small part… wanted to believe that she could love you. That eventually, she would choose to love you. It was that small hope that kept the soul-sucking ache at bay. That had helped you force your way through your visit with your family and all of their unwanted commentary. 

“I just…” You trailed off, unsure of what you were even going to say. Your family had sapped all of your emotional energy, and this. Well, this just took whatever little you had left. “I don’t even know,” 

Maybe you would run off to Australia this time, where no one would ever think to look for you and your path would never cross with your soulmate. Not even during dreams. 

You took another bite of your fruit. 

“Hey guys,” Lindsey smiled hesitantly, approaching the table and pausing beside the two empty chairs across from you. It drew the attention (and glares) of the entire table to her. 

Your eyes were on her instantly. On the way his hand cupped the small of her back protectively and how she leaned back into him. 

The knife in your chest twisted and the sludge sloshed. You did not doubt that the mark above your heart would grow. It always did when she rejected you. 

You missed the greetings your friends sent their way, adding in your silent nod when Emily nudged you. 

At least Ty pulled her chair out for her as they sat across from you. 

You stared at him with a sort of masochistic curiosity, trying to see what she saw. 

He leaned forward in his chair, reminding you of a giddy child, his dimples showing. “You all ready for South Korea?”

Maybe she liked the way his dirt-colored eyes glinted with excitement. Or the way his head bobbed when he talked. 

It made your stomach roll again, ripping away the little appetite you had. 

You cleared your throat, pushing your plate away and standing. Your chair screeched against the floor. “No, I need to go get my stuff together,” 

You grabbed the still full plate, ignoring Emily and Kelley’s worried glances and Lindsey’s concerned eyes as you turned on your heel and headed for the door. 

You didn’t want or need Lindsey’s concern because clearly, she didn’t care enough. 

“So maybe I shouldn’t place too many bets on a high score line,” Ty chuckled, seemingly oblivious to your abrupt departure, or the awkward silence that had settled over the table. He glanced down at his plate, his smile only getting wider. “Ah shit, I forgot silverware,” he kissed Lindsey’s cheek and stood, his hand lingering on her shoulder as he headed back towards the food table. “Brb babe,” 

She sent him a half smile back and then turned back to the unimpressed looks from her friends. 

“You’re really something,” Kelley muttered around her glass. “But you already knew that,”

Lindsey’s eyebrows furrowed and she watched the defender carefully. “What?”

Kelley shook her head, her lips pursing as if she was thinking too hard about what she was going to say next. “You’re going to kill her, and you don’t even care,” 

Lindsey’s frown deepened, a crease forming on her forehead. She was killing you? She knew you were in pain but… killing?

She couldn’t wrap her head around it. “What?” 

The words felt dumb falling from her lips and she felt dumb for uttering them. 

“You’re going to kill her,” Kelley repeated, her teeth gritting, even as Emily’s hand landed on her thigh. A warning to keep her from saying more. The older defender took a long breath. “And I wished you gave a fuck. It would feel more fair if you pretended to give a fuck,” 

“I do give a fuck,” Lindsey hissed back, unable to stop the red that flooded her cheeks or the unwanted shiver that ran down her spine. 

She cared about you far more than she wanted to admit. She cared so much that it hurt. It made the spot in her chest right above her heart ache and burn. It was a sting she couldn’t even properly put into words. 

Kelley’s glass hit the table with more force than she meant for it to, and Emily’s hand tightened on her thigh. 

“I can’t be on your side when you do things like this,” Emily said, disappointment dripping from her voice. 

“For the record, I was never on your side,” Kelley interrupted her lip curling. 

“We talked about this,” Emily continued as if Kelley hadn’t spoken. “And this isn’t-“

“I’m trying, alright,” Lindsey bit out, interrupting the blonde defender. “I thought he would get the message,” 

She had been ignoring him for weeks. She didn’t invite him, but suddenly he was here. 

Kelley snorted, crossing her arms. “And now he’s here,” 

The older defender shook her head. She could still feel the black vein on your neck pulsing beneath her fingers like a dark promise. A siren of what was to come. A warning light that hadn’t been there before you had come face to face with him.

Emily’s fingers tightened on her. She wasn’t supposed to fight with Lindsey. She wasn’t supposed to get involved, she had promised you she wouldn’t but… she couldn’t just sit and watch. 

Not while you were so insistent on ripping yourself apart to keep the truth from Lindsey. 

Emily sighed, running the hand not holding Kelley through her hair. She knew she needed to pick her words carefully. 

“You know how to be a good human Lindsey,” She said slowly, pushing herself to stand. You shouldn’t be left to your own devices for long. “and you’re running out of time,”

She sent the midfielder a meaningful look before turning on her heel and heading off to find you. 

Kelley watched her leave, also pushing herself to stand. 

She paused, tapping her knuckle on the table and looking directly into Lindsey’s burning blue eyes. “You need to make the right choice,” 

She didn’t wait for Lindsey to reply before she too left the table, only taking a second to send Ty a glare as he reappeared at the table before heading out the door. 

Lindsey could only watch her, slightly stunned. Her hand idly came up to rub the spot right above her heart that never stopped aching. 

“Everything alright?” Ty asked, his hand landing heavily on her shoulder. Her eyes snapped to meet his. It burned where he touched her. It made the ice prickle in her veins. It felt… wrong. 

He looked concerned for her. He cared about something that he didn’t understand because he cared for her. It made the acid in her stomach bubble. 

He slid into the seat beside her, wrapping his arm more tightly around her. 

“Everything's fine,” She muttered, leaning into him, frowning when his warmth did nothing to soothe the prickling in her veins or the pain in her chest. 

He squeezed her shoulder. “You sure?” 

She sent him a very tight smile and a short nod. “Everything is wonderful,” 

He mirrored her, kissing her forehead and returning to his meal. 

His lips burned, and all she could feel was the impression of yours. How many times had you kissed her forehead after an intimate moment or comforted her when things looked bad? How many times had you wrapped your arm around her so she could snuggle into your chest? 

It made the pit in her stomach deepen, and she had no idea how she could stop it. 

*****

You didn’t think yourself to be a superstitious person, but you liked to keep your pre-game ritual similar. You liked your process. It helped you get your head in the right space, and you desperately needed something that would let you focus on anything other than Lindsey and her boyfriend. 

Your hands shook as you wrapped your red pre-wrap around your wrist, counting each pass in your head. 

It was something you had done since the middle of your run with PSG in France. A tradition that fans talked about online, but no one ever asked about it directly. 

For that you were thankful. 

The only person who understood was Lindsey. She had seen the lines that littered the inside of your wrists and arms. The lines that had been a physical manifestation of your pain. Habits that you had relied on off and on since your time in France. Once you had only given up after Emily made you promise. After she saved you from Florida. 

A part of you wished she hadn’t saved you. 

The coral had felt good digging into your back, slicing you open like cheese on a grater as the ocean waves had their way with you. It felt good to give up control. To just be. You remembered the moment that your foot tether got caught on the rocks. How you hadn’t panicked. How you felt almost… relieved.  How you stopped trying to reach for the diving knife you always kept on you or the velcro still around your ankle.  

You could still feel the burn of the salty ocean water as it fought its way past your lips, how it stung your nose and throat as you finally let go. You could still see the last bubble that escaped your lungs as the water rushed in and the diver's wide eyes as she cut you free just seconds before it was too late. 

Your oxygen-deprived brain had been convinced it was Lindsey coming to save you. That you weren’t nothing to her. 

And then you had woken up to bright lights and beeping machines. 

A hand covered your own, catching the athletic tape slipping through your fingers before it could fall to the ground. Your eyes snapped up to meet its owner, softening at Sofia’s shy smile. 

“Want some help?”

She gestured towards your arms, shaking the tape in her hand. 

Your eyes followed it, and you sucked your bottom lip in between your teeth. 

The only person who had ever helped you with your tape was Lindsey. 

It was frustrating how intertwined you were with her, even when she didn’t want you. How you had shared so much of your life with her while she shared hers with him. 

“Or I can get Kelley or Emily,” Sofia said quickly, misinterpreting your hesitation. “You just look like you shouldn’t be alone,” 

“No, I,” You shook your head. The words were caught in your throat. Trapped there by an invisible ocean of rushing water surging into your lungs. 

You missed Huerta's gesture towards Kelley behind your shoulder or the way several of your teammates were looking at you with worried eyes. 

You only noticed when a warm, familiar hand landed on your shoulder, a thumb brushing the little black vein creeping up your neck. 

“Hey, Y/n take some deep breaths,” She said, very close to your ear, trying to keep her voice soft and calming. “Em will be back here in a few minutes. She just had to talk to the staff about her jersey,” 

You shook your head. “I’m ok Kell,”

She raised her eyebrow at you, unimpressed, and her fingers pressed into the little black vein just above your elbow as Huerta began to do your wrap. “You aren’t, and we both know it,”

You were pretty sure the entire team knew by this point, especially if the pitying looks Alex and Megan were sending your way were anything to go off of. It wasn’t like you were doing a good job of hiding it. 

You had never been good at pretending and you were just so tired. 

“I just need to make it through pre-game, and I’ll be fine,” You said too quickly. The field had always been your safe space, the game the only place where you felt free. If you could just make it there, then maybe you could postpone the inevitable. Maybe it would give you enough time not thinking for you to pull yourself together. 

Kelley let out a long sigh, her fingers squeezing your shoulder. “And then what?”

“I’ll play the game,” You answered automatically, robotically. 

“Then what happens after the game?” Kelley pressed, just as Sofia let go of your wrist and caught your other arm. 

You instantly ran it through your hair, closing your eyes tightly. “I haven’t really thought that far,” 

Sofia tried to keep her eyes on your arm, tried not to look towards the little sliver of skin that appeared when you shifted again and tried not to notice the angry black lines just barely visible below the hem of your jersey. 

She swallowed hard, focusing too much on finishing the wrap on your arm. 

She knew where marks like that came from, the entire team did. She knew that if she asked you about it, it would likely push you over the edge, the one you were already teetering on. 

“Pretending that it doesn’t exist won't make it disappear,” Kelley murmured, her thumb squeezing the place between your shoulder and neck, trying to alleviate the tension she felt there. 

You shrugged off her hand, catching the tape from Sofia’s grasp as she made the last turn around your wrist. “What other choice do I have?” 

Your voice was cold and thin. Like taking a step on a lake that was barely frozen over. It held a danger Sofia didn't necessarily understand beneath the surface, but it was enough. 

She cleared her throat, blinking up at you as she tore the tape roll from the piece secured to your arm, ignoring the glares burning into the side of her face from across the room. 

“I think you always have a choice,” She mumbled, pushing herself to stand. 

Your eyebrows furrowed. 

“Soph,” Kelley said gently, trying to cut the defender off. 

Sofia shook her head. “No. It’s true. We always have a choice,” 

A very small smile cracked across your features at her insistence. At her innocence. You very gently squeezed Kelley. Telling her that it was ok. “The problem is, someone else got to make it for me,” 

Sofia frowned her eyes darting over your shoulder, and you opened your mouth to continue. To try and explain the mess of a situation you found yourself in. How the only choice you had was to suffer for her. 

But you didn’t have to. She took a step forward, catching your hand. “Look, I don’t know what’s going on, but you’ve got the youngins and me behind you. No matter what,” 

You nodded once, swallowing the lump suddenly caught in your throat. 

She squeezed your arm for a long second before moving past you. 

You watched her go, your eyes trailing over her form and towards Lindsey who was shooting daggers your way. 

Kelley’s hand tightened on your shoulder. “it’s not just the youngins,” She said, sending a glare back toward Lindsey. “You’ve got the entire locker room behind you,”

You shrugged her off, ducking your head away from Lindsey’s burning eyes and moving back towards your locker. “I don’t need anyone to fight. That’s not fair to her,” 

You didn’t even notice how your hand instinctively came up to rub at the ever-present twinge in your chest. 

“And none of this is fair to you,” Kelley said sternly, her eyes never leaving Lindsey’s. 

You sighed. It wasn’t that you didn’t appreciate Kelley’s protectiveness, it was just that you were so tired, and she was making your plan to ignore the ache in your chest even more difficult than it already was. You didn’t need any more reasons to fall apart, not when you were already struggling to hold the frayed ends of yourself together. 

You just needed to make it through the game, and then you could disappear to Antarctica to die in peace. 

“Can we just… not?” You muttered, finally letting your exhaustion peek through the cracks in your voice. Kelley’s head snapped towards the sound, and a little part of you instantly hated the vulnerability leaking through your shell. “I just need to get through this game,” 

She blew out a long breath of her own, and you knew she wanted to argue. To say that pushing it all down wouldn’t do anyone any good, but she didn't. She nodded once, “Yeah, we can just not,” 

******

The game against Korea was… frustrating. More frustrating than you had expected it to be. 

You just couldn’t seem to get your head in the game, which was strange because the only part of your life that wasn’t falling apart was the pitch. 

Everything just felt off. You couldn’t connect with Lindsey and all 12 of your shots had either pinged off the crossbar or landed safely in the keeper's waiting hands. 

It was infuriating, and as the minutes slowly ticked by, you could feel yourself getting more and more worked up. Your passes to Alex and Mal were wide, your collection of balls from Sofia was increasingly sloppy and any chance you had at that point was shit. You could feel yourself giving in to your inner turmoil. Giving in more and more to the building pressure and Vlatko’s unhelpful demands. 

It was pathetic and you couldn’t help but despise yourself. 

By the time the final whistle blew, you were just done. More done than you could ever remember being. 

You always sought to find your limit. To push yourself until you couldn’t push yourself anymore. You always claimed you hadn’t found the edge yet. 

But here you were, teetering on the wrong side of it. 

You hoped maybe a shower would tether you to reality. That the hot water would be a welcome solace. That it would be the balm to the burning ache that settled heavily in your chest. 

You hoped that the universe would give you a fucking break for once. 

But of course, it couldn’t. 

You barely paid attention to the fans as you quickly finished your mandatory lap around the field, and headed towards the tunnel, ignoring the people calling your name as you slipped inside. 

The sight that met you made you wish you hadn’t. It made you wish you had pretended to be fine for them. 

It made your heart stop. 

The sight of him pressing her into the wall, their lips connected. Of his hands heavy on her hips, and her fingers tangled in the baby hairs at the back of his neck. Of his thigh working its way between her legs and the way she leaned into the feeling. 

It made your chest bubble and your stomach churn, but you couldn’t force yourself to look away. 

You were just… frozen. 

You were stuck, wondering if it had looked the same way when you kissed her. If she had melted against you like she melted for him. If the two of you fit as seamlessly as they did. If her head tilted the same way, trying to get a better angle. If she enjoyed his kisses as much as she enjoyed yours. 

You could almost imagine her mouth against yours. The passion and love that you could always feel when she kissed you. How it filled you from the tips of your toes to the very top of your ears. It was another part of her that was imprinted on your soul. 

It was like watching a trainwreck, and you reveled in the morbid curiosity. In the knife twisting in your chest, slicing through your already torn heart with little care. 

She was kissing him where everyone could see them. Where a camera could spot them down the tunnel. Where the cheering of fans had just barely dulled.

It struck you like the wrong note on a guitar. 

She was proud to be his. 

She was never proud to be yours. Hell, she was never even yours. She was ashamed of you, and she kept you hidden like a dirty little secret. 

It was pathetic that you couldn’t see it until now. That you had been too stubborn to accept that she would never want you. Not when she had him. 

You were pathetic. Unwanted. Completely unlovable. 

The realization was like a grenade exploding in your chest, blowing apart the little pieces of your heart that were left.

“Come on,” 

Warm hands were suddenly on your shoulder, and a voice was very close to your ears, but you barely heard it over the roaring in your head or the pounding of your heart. 

The hands urged you forward, towards the locker room and away from the scene. It felt like you were underwater, the halls passing too slowly and too quickly all at the same time. The lines of the concrete walls blurred together. Your stomach rolled just as the locker room door swung open, and you were pushed into a seat. 

“I can't fucking believe her,” Emily hissed, slamming the door carelessly behind her. 

Kelley sighed, settling down beside you and catching your hand. “I can,” 

You hadn’t even realized your nails were digging into your chest, clawing at your racing heart, trying to get to the burning ice it was pushing through your veins.  Your stomach bubbled, and you could feel the bile climbing to the back of your throat. 

“I think I’m going to be sick,” 

The words barely left your lips before a trash can was pressed into your chest. 

Kelley rubbed your back as you heaved, emptying what little was in your stomach into the trash can. “Let it out, kid,” 

You grimaced, pulling away when you were finished, accepting a towel from Emily as she took the trash can. You wiped your mouth, ignoring the pity radiating from her. 

You didn’t want her pity. You didn’t want anyone’s pity. You wanted to disappear. To… never have existed, to begin with. 

Emily blew out a long breath, settling beside you, her head resting in her palms. “She just… I thought she was sorry. I thought…”

“It’s not your fault,” You croaked, shaking your head. 

It wasn’t anyone’s fault but your own. If you weren’t so weak then maybe Lindsey would think you were worthy of her. 

“No. This is all on Lindsey,” Alex said, her voice edging on exasperation. “I don’t know what the fuck she was thinking,” 

You blinked up at them, realizing for the first time that your other teammates had followed you, Emily, and Kelley, back. That you weren’t alone. 

It was like a switch flipped in your head. Like the volume of a radio getting turned up to 11. The voices of your teammates blurred together around you in an indignant symphony of too much sound.

 You couldn’t handle it. You didn’t have enough emotional fortitude to deal with this. Not in a way that wouldn’t upset them. 

Your fingers dug into your temples. You didn’t want them to be involved. 

“Stop,” You said, your voice barely above a whisper.   

The room froze in response, their pitying gazes sinking into your form. 

You didn’t want their pity either. 

You cleared your throat, trying to push through the croakiness. “I’m too tired to deal with this shit. I just-“ 

The words died on your lips as the locker room door swung open, and Lindsey stepped into the room. 

Everyone's attention snapped to her, and you couldn’t help the way your eyes dragged down her form. You couldn’t help how you traced the flyaway hairs pulled from her tight ponytail, the slight swelling of her lips, or the way her jersey was slightly bunched just above her waist. It was evidence. The final nails in an already closed coffin. 

You cleared your throat again, tearing your eyes away from her and examining your still cleat-covered foot, ignoring the suffocating tension that had built in the room. “I think I’m just gonna go to the bus and catch a nap. I’ll shower when we get back to the hotel,” 

The words sounded robotic as they left your lips, scratchy in a way that your voice rarely was, almost like someone else was saying them. 

They hung in the air for a long minute as you gathered the strength to push yourself to your feet. 

“Oh,” Lindsey breathed out, but you ignored it, focusing instead on trying to keep your legs from wobbling as you shoved yourself up. 

“I’ll come with you,” Kelley said, mirroring your move stand and casually wrapping an arm around your waist, steadying you.  “I’m tired too. A nap might be good,” 

A part of you wanted to be annoyed with the defender, but the larger, exhausted part of you was grateful for her protectiveness. 

You leaned into her, letting her care and safety wrap around you, as she guided you out of the room. 

You knew she couldn’t shield you for forever, but you would take any moment of peace that you could get. 

*****

Lindsey stood frozen as you brushed past her, Kelley’s glare daring her to try and stop you.

It filled her with a feeling she didn’t quite understand. 

She could feel the angry gazes of her teammates as she trudged back to her locker. They were like sites on a gun, and she was waiting for whatever bullet they wanted to send. 

“Do I have something on my face?” She asked toward no one in particular as she pulled off her boots and socks. “Or are we starting a new trend where we stare as people undress,” 

“Kelley’s right,” Sofia said, her voice breaking through the murmurs spreading around the locker room. “You’re fuck-“

“No,” Emily interrupted the young defender, with a small shake of her head, looking more tired than Lindsey had ever seen her. “Y/n doesn’t want us to fight,” 

“Let her finish Em,” Lindsey spat back, annoyed even if she didn’t have a right to be. Even if she was in the wrong. Being angry was easier than facing the truth. “Get it off your chest. What is Kelley right about?” 

“That it would feel more fair if you pretended to give a fuck,” Emily said softly before Sofia could answer, and Emily saw recognition in the other defender's eyes.

It was the least inflammatory thing Kelley had said. The only thing that didn’t indicate malicious intent in Lindsey’s actions. The only true thing that hopefully wouldn’t cause Lindsey to dig her heels in more. 

They weren’t sure how much more digging you could take. 

“I do give a fuck,” Lindsey hissed, accentuating the irritation she felt at the jab. 

Sofia scoffed. “Yes, because kissing your boyfriend just feet from the edge of the tunnel you knew your soulmate was going to walk down is totally giving a fuck,” 

Lindsey finally looked up at the young defender, meeting her burning glare. 

Her lip curled at the implication. “That wasn’t planned,” 

“And you were trying your hardest to stop it weren’t you?” Sofia bit back sarcastically, ignoring Emily’s hand on her arm. The warning to slow down.  “That’s why you were pulling him closer to you instead of pushing him away,” 

Lindsey's eyebrows furrowed. She hadn’t been expecting the venom in those words. The disdain. Maybe from Kelley, or even Alex, Tobin, and Christen, sure. She expected the vets to be upset because they understood the history she had with you. 

She never expected someone new to the team to butt into an already complicated situation. One they clearly didn’t understand. 

“What the fuck is your problem,” Lindsey bit back, squinting at the defender. “I don’t know why you think you have the right to comment-“ 

“Because no one else will,” Sofia growled. “We’re watching Y/n destroy herself and no one will say anything because she cares too much about you to let us. Someone needs to care about her, and it certainly isn’t you,” 

“Soph,” Emily attempted to interrupt her, to cut off the building anger crackling off of Lindsey’s form, and to stop Sofia from saying something that you didn’t want Lindsey to know. 

“No. Don’t Soph me. She needs to know!” The defender bellowed, her chest heaving as she finally ripped her eyes away from Lindsey. “Fuck whatever convoluted chivalrous act Y/n wants to pretend she’s committing. You’ve seen the-“

“That’s enough.” Emily snapped, authority filling her voice, silencing Huerta before she could finish her sentence. 

Huerta met her eyes, and an unspoken conversation passed between them. 

Lindsey’s eyes widened at the sentence. What had Emily seen that she hadn’t? She knew you were in pain, that was obvious, but was there something that she wasn’t seeing? 

She needed to know. 

“No, let her continue since she thinks she knows Y/n so well,” Lindsey said, purposefully raising her eyebrow. Trying to get a reaction. “It’s been what, 2 months since you’ve met her?” 

Emily’s blue eyes darted back to her. “Enough,” The defender said, gesturing for Sofia towards the bathroom. “Go take your shower. Vlatko wants you for media,” 

Sofia frowned. “But,”

Emily shook her head. “Go,” 

Sofia swallowed hard, but nodded, angrily grabbing her change of clothing and doing as she was told. 

Both blondes watched as Sofia left, and a charged silence stretched between them. 

You had asked Emily not to get involved. You told her you didn’t want her in the middle. 

That didn’t mean she wasn’t. 

“I told you to be a good human. I told you to have a hard conversation,” Emily said softly, turning back to her own locker, but no one mistook exactly who she was addressing. “Instead you chose to flaunt him in front of her,” 

“Like she wasn’t flaunting whatever is going on with her and Sofia,” Lindsey scoffed before she could stop herself. Just saying the words out loud had a strange ache forming just above her heart. One that had nothing to do with the jealousy that bubbled in her stomach any time she saw the attention you gave the defender. 

Especially when she was on her knees, wrapping your arms before the game. 

Emily paused, gripping her sweatshirt and turning back towards her best friend, an incredulous look plastered across her features. “Do you even fucking hear yourself? You still think this is a game, don’t you?”

Lindsey didn’t answer, instead choosing to pick at a hangnail on her thumb. She didn’t think it was a game, but if you were going to ignore her and Ty wasn’t, then maybe she hadn’t seen the harm. Maybe she wanted you to feel the jealousy bubbling in her veins. 

Maybe she hadn’t thought it through. 

Emily shook her head. “I’m not even sure it matters. I think you’re out of time,” 

She didn’t add that she wasn’t on Lindsey’s side anymore either as she exited the room and that she was pretty sure most of their team echoed her sentiment. 

*****

Your fingers dug into the marble countertop of the hotel bathroom, your nails scraping at the surface like they would keep you from falling over the edge. Like the pressure would stop the anvil on your chest from caving your sternum in.

Water pooled on the surface and the floor below you, still dripping from the shower. 

You understood why Kelley had been reluctant to leave you while the team went to dinner, but you promised you just wanted a shower. You just wanted to sleep when Lindsey couldn’t follow you. 

You dragged your eyes from the gold-plated faucet to the mirror. You paused at the angry back web that began just above the towel around your waist. The pulsing lines that now covered your stomach, tracing back to a solid black circle the size of a baseball right over your heart, continued over your shoulder and down your left arm, nearly past your elbow. 

The dark marks were accented by the deep red of your skin, abused by the too-hot water in the shower and your incessant scrubbing. 

An Ill thought attempt to remove her mark on you. To get rid of the traces she had left. 

Pathetic 

You sneered the words in your head, forcing your eyes up the column of your throat and meeting them in the mirror. 

They reminded you of a shark's eyes. Cold and unfeeling. Completely soulless. 

That was how this would all end, wasn’t it? 

The dark mark was just a representation of the punishment the universe was inflicting on you. That Lindsey was inflicting on you for being unworthy after all. 

You would lose everything that you were. It would be taken from you, piece by piece until all that was left was a shell only capable of feeling pain and misery. 

You once thought that feeling nothing would be worse, but now it was all you longed for to be removed from your emotions. To not feel the pain and agony that had become your closest allies. 

You tighten your grip on the counter, hoping it could help steady the building storm in your chest. 

You deserved the pain. 

Your mother had been telling you since you could walk, but you were just too afraid to listen. 

You were weak. Worthless. Unlovable. 

It was almost funny how it was her voice cackling in your head. 

You shouldn’t have been shocked. Why would Lindsey choose you over him? She wouldn’t.

She didn’t. 

You were nothing compared to him. You were nothing at all.  

Lindsey had said so herself the night of your World Cup win, as she shoved your lips off of her neck and kicked you out of the closet the two of you were sharing. She told you it was a mistake. Meaningless. 

Weak. Worthless. Unlovable. Nothing. 

Lindsey’s voice joined your mother’s, repeating the words in your head over and over. 

And you blinked up at yourself in the mirror, realizing that your hands had moved to clutch at your ears. To stop the word’s running around your brain. 

Your face morphed in the mirror, your mother's sneer replacing your features. 

No one would ever want you. You were weak. Worthless. Unlovable. 

Nothing. 

You felt the walls of the room closing in on you, your mothers cackling laugh echoing through your head so loudly it was shaking the room. Shaking the mirror. 

You needed everything to stop moving. 

Weak. Worthless. Unlovable. Nothing. 

You needed it to stop. 

The mirror cracked before your eyes, the pain radiating through your hand only after the tremendous crash drowned out their voices. 

It didn’t hurt though. It felt good. But it wasn’t enough. 

Your fist collided with the glass again, and again and again. Intent on obliterating the face staring back at you. Intent on destroying your face. 

Piece by piece your reflection collapsed, leaving only glittering shards in its place. 

You were only satisfied when your entire form disappeared and just a blank white and red wall was left. 

You blew out a shuddering breath, stumbling backward and sliding down the wall until you were leaning against the tub, uncaring of the glass pieces prickling at your bare skin. 

At least you were feeling something other than your internal pain. At least it was tangible. 

You picked up one of the larger shards, catching a blue eye in its reflection. 

You were just a mistake. We are nothing. You are nothing. 

Lindsey’s words echoed around your brain, pricking at your veins, and your hand unintentionally tightened around the shard. 

Why did you think she would pick you? 

You were weak. Worthless. Unlovable. Nothing. 

*******

Kelley knew that they should not have left you after the game. 

She knew that it was a very bad idea, despite your insistence that you were just going to take a shower and maybe watch some television while they got dinner with the team. 

She trusted that you were stable enough to do that. But She could just feel that something bad was going to happen. It was like a snake slithering through her ribs and settling deep in her bones. 

As she stepped into your shared hotel room, she knew trusting you had been a very bad idea. 

Very, very, very bad.

Her breath caught as she stepped into the hotel room, the open bathroom door immediately caught her attention. Her eyes were drawn to your stoic form, sitting in a towel, propped up against the tub. A sea of glass surrounded you, glinting off the harsh fluorescent lights speckled with little flecks of red. Like islands dotted around the ocean. 

But the thing that made her stomach curl was the dark mark on your torso. The epicenter was right at the center of your chest with tentacle-like veins stretching across your abs and shoulder, twisting along your neck and arm, pulsing with bubbling black sludge in time with your heart. 

It reminded Kelley of a murder scene from one of the old horror movies Emily liked to watch. Like a horrifically poetic monstrosity of modern art. 

“Holy fuck,” Emily breathed out right next to Kelley’s left ear. 

She knew you could be self-destructive, but she hadn’t expected this… maybe she should have. 

You didn’t move at the sound. You didn’t even look over at them. You just looked… blank and it sent an unpleasant shiver down Emily’s spine. 

She hadn’t seen that look on your face since Florida. 

“Go get her some clothes, I’m going to try to get her out of here,” Kelley sighed. 

You couldn’t stay in a bloody towel especially if you had cut yourself worse than the scratches Kelley could already see, and you couldn’t exactly walk out with all the glass on the floor. 

“Yeah,” Emily nodded, squeezing Kelley’s hips before moving around her and further into the hotel room. 

Kelley took a long steadying breath, stepped forward, her shoes crunching in the shattered glass, and squatted so she was at eye level with you. 

“Hey, Y/n,” She said gently, “How about we get you out of there? Ok?” 

You blinked listlessly at her, your head lolling to the side in what Kelley assumed was an acknowledgment. 

She took another shaky breath, again tracing down the black vein curing around your neck and down your arm. Besides the dark marks, your chest and torso appeared to be alright. So did your right hand, but your left… 

Your knuckles were stained red, dripping maroon droplets to your fingertips, pooling on the ground just beside your hip. 

“Y/n,” She tried again. Your hand shifted slightly in return, and that’s when she caught the glint of the glass shard in your palm. 

“Hey, sweetie, can you put the glass down for me please?” She asked, swallowing hard to hide the panic threatening to overtake her. She had to be calm for you. 

You blinked again, your hand shifting slightly, almost like you couldn’t process her words. Kelley tilted her head, catching your empty eyes. 

“Y/n,” Kelley said more sternly, hoping to break through whatever stoic wall you had put in place. “Drop the mirror,” 

Silence stretched between you for a long minute, before your fingers unwound from the shard in your hand. It hit the floor with a low tink, splashing in the liquid beside you. Still, Kelley felt the knot in her chest unwind just a little now that the immediate threat was gone. 

“Let’s get you up, ok?” She asked, extending a hand to you. “And dressed,” 

“The mirror broke,” You croaked out in response, and Kelley frowned. 

“I can see that,” She sighed, wiggling her fingers towards you. “let’s get you out of here, and we can call maintenance to take care of it,” 

You stared at the outstretched appendage for a long second, as though you were afraid of it before you slowly nodded. 

“I’m going to lift you,” she said gently, waiting for you to slowly nod again before she scooped you up and carefully carried you out of the bathroom. 

Emily smiled tightly at you as Kelley set you on your feet in front of their bed. Together they ran a towel down your legs to remove any extra glass and helped you into your sweats and t-shirt. 

You blew out a long breath when they were finished, settling on the end of the bed and allowing Kelley to guide your hand into her lap. Emily took your other side, idly rubbing your back as you both watched Kelley carefully began to examine the mangled flesh of your hand. 

She was methodical as she used a warm washcloth to compress your hand, moving it only to catch little peeks at the gashes in your knuckles and the slice right at the center of your palm. 

You flexed your fingers when she pressed just a bit too tightly, hissing in pain. 

Both defenders shared a long look. This wasn’t something they could patch up themselves, not when you were still actively bleeding. 

“We’re going to have to take you to Dawn,” Kelley said seriously, dabbing another bit of glass from the back of your hand, red oozing out after it. “I think you need stitches,” 

You nodded solemnly, unwilling to fight. 

There was nothing for you to fight for anyway. 

Kelley and Emily shared another worried look. They didn’t like how quiet you were. How still you were. It was somehow worse than when you were vocal about the pain you were in. 

It made them wonder about why the mirror had broken, and your intention behind it. 

Emily cleared her throat. “Y/n, was this like when you went surfing in Florida?” 

You shook your head, biting your lip. 

This felt very different from Florida. 

“What happened?” Kelley pressed, again peeking at the very deep gash on your palm. 

You squinted, trying to think of how to put it into words. 

Everything had just been too much, and you wanted your brain to stop. You wanted Lindsey to stop. You wanted the pain in your chest to go away and to feel anything other than the weight of your failure. 

“I just wanted it to stop,” You said finally, your voice horse and straining. “I needed it to stop,”

“Alright,” Kelley sighed. “Let’s get you to Dawn so she can clean you up,” 

You nodded once again, letting Kelley and Emily guide you to your feet and towards the door. 

Dawn would be able to help you.

*****

Emily blew out a long, shaky breath, leaning back into Kelley’s chest. Her eyes never left your form, tucked into a hospital bed. 

It had been surprisingly easy to convince you that you needed stitches, especially when Dawn told you that a hospital was your best option. 

You had answered all of her and the doctor's questions with shocking honesty and sat perfectly still as an intern stitched and wrapped the mangled flesh of your hand (but not before Kelley snapped a picture of it and the dark lines curling from your chest). 

“It’s not a permanent solution, but the medication we’ve given her should help for now,” The doctor explained carefully, gesturing towards you in the window. 

Emily hummed in agreement. 

The IV they gave you had the dark veins in your neck and shoulder retreating, leaving thin gray behind. It had the color returning to your eyes, even if they were still dull. It was enough and not nearly enough all at once. 

“How long do you think it’ll last?” Kelley asked very softly. 

The doctor’s shoulders lifted and fell. “It all depends on her soulmate,” 

Kelley nodded in understanding. 

Soulmate sickness was one of the most mysterious illnesses out there. One of the trickiest to stop. The only one that was dependent on another person's actions.

Lindsey’s actions were killing you. 

What was worse was that you were going to let her. 

“Thank you,” The older defender said towards the doctor, and he bid them goodbye. 

Emily let out another long breath. “How did it come to this?” 

She had never imagined that two of her teammates would be in a position like this. That Lindsey would put you in a position like this. 

Not with the history the two of you shared. 

“Well,” Kelley said, dragging out the word. “Lindsey is afraid of god knows what, and Y/n loves her so much she’s willing to let her be happy, even if it kills her,”

Emily made a low sound in the back of her throat. “We shouldn’t have left her alone,” 

Kelley’s arms tightened around her waist, and her nose nudged under Emily’s ear, before she let go, using insistent fingers on Emily’s hips to get her to turn around. 

“I don’t know that we could have stopped her,” Kelley said seriously, making eye contact with Emily’s gray. “I know you tried in Portland, but this is uncharted territory, even for her,” 

Emily’s eyes darted away from her, but Kelley didn’t let her pull away. “Em, you couldn’t have stopped her,” 

Emily nodded slightly. It was just hard. She had been looking out for you since you came to Portland. She was one of the first to know about your… situationship? Friends with benefits arrangement? With Lindsey. She was the first person you told that you had caught feelings. 

She saw the fallout the first time.  

She knew about the little lines that had littered the insides of your thighs. She knew how they had appeared no matter how hard she had tried to stop them.

But this was different. They had no idea how you had broken the mirror, or how long you sat in the mess. Dawn guessed that the wounds had been open for at least an hour and from the amount of blood in the bathroom. They were just lucky you hadn’t dropped the piece of glass until they got there, or tried to pick the smaller pieces out of your skin. 

“I know,” Emily murmured, leaning forward so her forehead touched Kelley’s. “I just hate seeing her like this,”

“I do too,” Kelley agreed softly. 

“What do we do?” Emily asked, her voice cracking. 

“Tobin and Christen are on their way, so we wait until they get here,” Kelley said, pulling back just slightly to peek at your still sleeping form through the window.  “and in the meantime, we do the only thing we can do,” 

She pulled her phone from her back pocket and flicked through her contacts. She found the one she was looking for and typed out a simple text, including 3 pictures. 

Emily’s hand covered the screen, stopping her from hitting the send button. “Is that a good idea?” 

“Do you have a better one?” Kelley asked, raising an eyebrow. 

Emily sighed, shaking her head, and pulling her hand away. 

She didn’t have a better idea. She had no idea how to navigate this situation at all. 

Kelley pressed the button and then tucked her phone away again. 

She turned back towards your sleeping form. “Now, let’s go keep her company,” 

Emily hummed. That was all they could do. Keep you company and keep you together until more experienced hands arrived. 

Hopefully, you didn’t have any more chunks missing by the time they got there. 

You had made it back from the brink of disaster once, now they had to pray you had the will to do it again. 

*****

It was safe to say that this night had not gone at all the way Lindsey had planned, not that she had a brilliant plan to begin with. 

She let out a breath, glancing down at the man beside her. Her eyes traced his bare chest, down his arms to where their fingers were intertwined. 

She didn’t know he was coming. She hadn’t anticipated that he wouldn’t take her ducking and dodging as hints that she didn’t want him to come. 

She also didn’t anticipate your reaction. You barely even looked at her, and it had unexpected jealousy creeping in her veins until she let him kiss her in an effort to get you to finally notice. To have some kind of reaction that wasn’t stoicism. 

The incident in the locker room after should have been expected. Her two worlds had collided and it ended in destruction that even she couldn’t have predicted. 

An unmitigated disaster with you at the epicenter. 

Her disaster. 

She blew out another long breath. 

There was another reason she didn’t push him away, one that was even more difficult for her to acknowledge. Pushing him away would mean admitting that there was something wrong in their relationship. It would raise red flags that she wasn’t ready to face, especially with her parents in town too. 

If they knew… she was sure they would reject her. 

But in the process of protecting herself, she hurt you. She didn’t know exactly how much, but it was enough to send her teammates into a frenzy. 

It was enough to turn the locker room against her, despite your apparent efforts to get them to remain neutral. 

She wasn’t surprised, even she was against herself. She just… didn’t know how to fix it. She didn’t even know where to start. 

Well, that was a lie. She did know where to start. Emily told her where to start. She was just too much of a coward to do it. 

It made her hate herself. She didn’t want to hurt you. She never wanted to hurt you. 

Her phone dinged from the bedside table, and she couldn’t resist the urge to grab it, hoping that it was you. 

It wasn’t. 

Still, she swiped Kelley’s notification. She wished she hadn’t. 

It was a sentence she would never forget. 

I think you should see what you’re doing to her.

Below it were three photos. 

The first was of knuckles, torn and jagged. Sliced over and over by a force she didn’t know. The second was a palm cut nearly to the bone, tendons, and muscle peeking from its uneven edges. Both were wet, oozing, fresh. 

But it was the 3rd picture that stole the air from her lungs and set her chest on fire. Bubbling, and burning, in an ache that spread with every beat of her heart. 

It was a zoomed-out photo of the arm and shoulder attached to the mangled hand. Dark tendrils stretched from the elbow, winding around the arm, over the shoulder. It crept up the neck, and towards a pitch-black bruise right above the person's heart. 

You should see what you’re doing to her.

Lindsey shook her head. Right above your heart. 

“Fuck,”

“Wha’,” Ty mumbled, sitting up with bleary eyes, catching a glimpse of the grotesque image on the phone. He grabbed the device, pulling it closer. “Shit, is that one of your teammates?”

Lindsey pressed her lips into a thin line, nodding minutely. If she opened her mouth, she wouldn’t be able to stop the tears from coming out.

She knew what lines like that on a person meant. 

Kelley and Sofia were right. 

She was killing you, and she hadn’t even known it. The bruise on your chest was just an outward manifestation of your decaying soul. Or maybe she knew, but she wasn’t strong or brave enough to stop it. She didn’t give enough of a fuck to stop it before it was too late. 

Emily was right too. She knew how to be a good human, and she had chosen not to. 

“Babe?” Ty asked gently, and it was then she realized that she was shaking. That the low sob echoing through the hotel room was coming from her. 

He dropped the phone and pulled her into a bone-crushing hug just as she fell apart. She buried her face in his chest, gut-wrenching sobs clawed their way from her lips like ripped pieces of her soul and landed against his skin. 

She hadn’t cried through any of this. She didn’t deserve to cry, not when she was the one responsible for your pain. For your suffering. 

“It’s alright, just let it out,” He murmured into her hair, rocking her gently. “I’ve got you,” 

He held her together like a good man… a good person should. 

And it made her feel worse because all she could think about was the feeling of your chest, of your arms wrapped around her. Your perfume in her nose and your hushed whispers reminding her that everything would be ok. 

She couldn’t be that for you. She couldn’t put her own needs aside, even when you were ripping yourself apart. 

Yet, he held her even when she didn’t deserve it. When she deserved for him to throw her away. 

Slowly, her sobs turned into sniffles, and she clung to him for dear life, for the last moments she knew he would let her. 

She couldn’t hide from reality anymore. She couldn’t hurt you anymore. 

“You gonna tell me what this is all about?” He asked softly into her hair, never forcing her out of his chest. 

She sucked in a shuttered breath, pulling herself away, wiping her eyes, and looking anywhere but at him. 

The time had finally come for the important conversation. For the truth. 

“I-“ She gulped around the words caught in her throat. She took another shuddering breath, steeling herself. “I met my soulmate,” 

A pregnant pause stretched between them, only broken when he reached across and gently caught her hand, squeezing once.

It took her another long second to gain the courage to look up and need his brown eyes. The resignation she saw there made her hate herself that much more. 

“How long ago?” The question was soft, and not at all what Lindsey was expecting. 

She bit her lip. “We had the dream almost 4 months ago,” 

A small sad smile pulled at his lips, as he caught her phrasing. “But you’ve known her for a lot longer?” 

Lindsey nodded. 

“We agreed we’d tell each other as soon as it happened,” He said, his voice staying gentle. 

“I know, I’m sorry,” Lindsey said, suddenly finding their intertwined fingers interesting. 

She didn’t have more of an explanation. Not one that would be sufficient anyway. 

He sighed, running the hand not holding hers through his hair. Of course, he knew they would eventually meet their soulmates, but they had agreed to be open about it when it happened and to make those decisions together. 

That plan also hadn’t included another person in as much pain as Lindsey’s soulmate clearly was. It didn’t include them knowing their soulmate before the dream. 

But Lindsey did know her soulmate. Those photos had come from someone in the team, and he had a feeling he already knew exactly whose arm it was. 

“It’s y/n right?”

Her eyes snapped up to meet his. “How did you…?”

He just chucked, squeezing her hand again.

“It’s the way you two look at each other,” He explained gently, remembering how he noted the closeness Lindsey and you shared, even before he had met you. The blonde was always so at ease with you, even when she wasn’t open with him. He had been surprised at first that you two weren’t soulmates looking for a third. You just… fit too perfectly to not be soulmates. “I’ve thought you were meant to be for a long time,” 

“But I’m not gay,” Lindsey grumbled, crossing her arms, and Ty cracked a smile at her, shaking his head. The tension immediately dissipated from the room. 

Of course, that’s what the problem was. 

“There’s such a thing as bisexuality Linds,” He said as if it were obvious. “And I don’t think whatever label you pick matters when it comes to your soulmate,” 

It wasn’t like you got to choose your soulmate, but that fear was still there. She hadn’t considered that she might not have to choose a label. That you weren’t asking her to. All you wanted was the acknowledgment that she felt what you did.

That’s all that you had ever wanted from her. 

And she couldn’t even give you that. 

But she had him. This incredible person who was actively advocating for you, even when it meant that he would lose her. 

She also had you, who was willing to stand aside in agony if it meant she got to be happy. 

She shook her head. It wasn’t fair to compare the two of you, but she couldn’t help it. She could never help it. She loved him, but not in the way that she loved you. 

She was in love with you. She always had been. 

“You’re not mad?” She asked so softly, selfishly. She didn’t want to lose him. 

He shook his head, giving her hand another squeeze. “I’m disappointed you didn’t tell me sooner, but I’m not angry with you,”

More tears left Lindsey’s eyes without her permission, trailing hot paths down her cheeks, and he pulled her back into his chest. “I don’t want you to hate me,” 

He sighed, holding her closer, his finger weaving into her hair and gently scratching her scalp. It was a move he knew soothed her. One he had ironically learned from you. 

“I could never hate you, Linds,” He murmured the words into her hair, resting his chin on the crown of her head. “Not for this,”

Lindsey let out a wet laugh, pulling away. “Y/n does, and so do most of my teammates,”

Ty carefully brought his hands to her cheeks, using his thumbs to wipe the tears still trailing down her cheeks. “They don’t, they’re just disappointed too,” 

Again she was struck by how good he was. By how mature and caring he was. By how good of a father he would make one day. 

But his hands didn’t feel as soft as yours did. They didn’t make her feel as safe as yours did. 

The longing she felt for you was so deep in her bones it hurt, and the pictures Kelley sent her put the ball in her court. 

It was her job to make it right. 

“I need to fix it,” She mumbled, sniffling slightly. 

He smiled sadly again, leaning forward and placing a very sweet kiss on her forehead before pulling away and standing. “I have faith you will,” 

She watched him quietly as he pulled on his shirt, packed his small bag, and slid his shoes onto his feet before he paused by the edge of the bed. 

She couldn’t fight the sudden urge to reach out her fingers towards him, to be connected to him for what would most likely be the last time. 

He met her halfway, tangling their fingertips together in a slow dance. “If you ever need anything just call alright?” He said, and she felt his honesty. “I’m still your guy,” 

His fingers slipped from hers for the final time. 

He might be her guy, but she wasn’t his girl. 

Not anymore. 

She was yours. 

She just had to figure out how to tell you that. How to get you to forgive her? 

Silence echoed around her as he softly closed the door, and for once she felt totally and completely alone. 

She pulled out her phone and scrolled through contacts, looking for someone who would tell her what to do. 

She paused over Tobin’s contact photo. The forward had always been close to you, and she would know what to do, even if she would be disappointed in Lindsey. 

She pressed Tobin’s contact picture, holding the phone up to her ear and closing her eyes. 

Tobin was the only one who knew you as well as she knew herself. 

The phone rang twice before Tobin’s faint “hello” met her. 

“I fucked up,”

*****

Lindsey had never felt more exhausted in her entire life, not even after she had played 120 minutes in 100-degree weather. Not after running endless drills with you in France. Not even after looking all over for you after you disappeared the night of the World Cup. 

Never. 

It was a fatigue that settled deep in her bones, that followed her through every movement she made. That made it impossible for her to think about anything other than you. A weariness that had nothing to do with her lack of sleep. 

Her only saving grace was the warm cup of coffee. She sipped the dark liquid reverently, eyes shifting between her parents and the door every few minutes, waiting for you or Kelley, or Emily to step through the doors. 

To prove that the photos she had received last night were a bad dream. A cruel prank. 

But mornings after games tended to be slow, and this morning was no different. The few veterans who were in the meal room puttered about lazily, sending looks her way at odd intervals that made her feel like they knew something she didn’t know. 

Like they were scolding her without words. 

“Sweetie, are you ok?” Her mother’s hand caught her own, gently pulling the coffee cup from her hand. 

Lindsey blinked, once, twice, three times as the words filtered through her brain. 

Was she ok?

The definitive answer was no, absolutely not. 

Her world was crumbling around her, and the only person to blame was herself. She had hurt her soulmate so badly that she didn’t know if she would ever forgive her, and the thought of losing you made it hard to breathe. 

She didn’t know how to be without you, and now she was staring that very prospect in the face. 

She let out a shaky breath, blue eyes finally finding the courage to meet her mother's gaze. 

Concerned eyes she knew would turn cold and hard when she informed them of what she had done. Eyes that would surely reject her when they found out that you were a girl and not the dashing young man they had envisioned for her. 

It was like there was a world between them, a chiasm that they didn’t even know existed filled with the admission that she had been lying to them for a long time. Filled with a suffocating silence and words that Lindsey needed to say. 

She could hear Tobin in her head. “The first step is honesty. With yourself and everyone else,” and she knew with everything she was that the midfielder turned forward was right. 

The only way to undo this mess was to be honest. To untangle each half-truth one at a time. To mend each hurt with kept promises and replace each pretend moment with reality. 

The only way she was going to get you back was to confront her fear. That started with this. 

“No,” Lindsey said, shaking her head minutely. “I’m not ok. I messed up really bad, and I don’t know if I can fix it,” 

Her father frowned. “Is this about the game?”

“You played so well honey. Korea just had a bead on the team's offense,” Her mother added, using her free hand to grab Lindsey’s arm. 

She stared at them, slightly dumbfounded at how unseeing they were. How they didn’t seem to know her at all. How they didn’t even pick up on her inner turmoil. 

“No. I-“ She swallowed hard around the lump in her throat. “I had the soulmate dream,” 

“Oh,” Lindsey’s mother breathed out, leaning back in her chair. 

“By Ty’s lack of presence, I’m assuming it wasn’t with him?” Her father said, sipping his coffee. 

She shook her head. “No,”

“Well, we’ll have to meet the young man,” He added flatly, barely looking up from his cup. “He’s part of the family now,” 

“It’s not,” She took a gulping breath, before forcing the words past her lips. “My soulmate isn’t a young man,” 

Her father looked up, locking eyes with her mother. They shared a long look, the kind that only soulmates having a silent conversation could before her mother gently squeezed her hand. 

“Is it Y/n?”

Lindsey’s eyebrows furrowed, entirely unexpecting of her mother’s response. “Wha?… how did you?”

“Sweetie,” Her mother smiled gently at her. “The two of you have been attached at the hip since the moment you met,” 

“We’ve been expecting this for a while,” Her father added gruffly. 

“And you’re alright with that?” Her voice cracked over the word, and her eyes ducked away. 

She knew how they felt about homosexuality. She had heard about it for her entire childhood. She didn’t want to lose them too. 

“You don’t get to choose your soulmate,” Her Father said, though he didn’t sound happy about the omission, but his voice lightened. “And Y/n is exceptional,” 

Her mother hummed, squeezing her hand again. “Plus Y/n always looks at you like you put the stars up in the sky, and she’s been nothing but polite to us,” 

Her father nodded once, and Lindsey took that as his agreement, though he didn’t soften. “An acceptable soulmate,” 

Lindsey felt the knot in her chest loosen, though she wasn’t quite sure how she felt about their assessment. She guessed acceptable and exceptional were the best she could expect from her father. 

“Now,” Her father said, leaning forward in his chair, setting his coffee on the table. “You said you messed up, tell us what happened,” 

She frowned at him, confused by his reaction, and his sudden interest. 

“I,” The words were caught in her throat as she finally met her dad's gaze. “I hurt her because I was afraid, and now I’m not sure that I can fix it,” 

“Afraid?” Her father grumbled, his eyes suddenly hard. “Of what? Y/n has never done anything to make you question her feelings,” 

“Of….” Lindsey took a deep steadying breath, working through his defense of you. Of the strange protectiveness? That had overcome him, while also working through how to phrase her answer. It threw her that they weren’t upset you were her soulmate.  “A lot of things. It doesn’t matter now,” 

Her father hummed, crossing his arms.

It was a gesture she had seen thousands of times before. One he liked to use after he heard both sides of the story when she would fight with her brother. One he used when she told him she was going to France instead of college. 

“Honey, you’re soulmates, but you’re also human,” Her mother hummed. “Give her time to process everything that’s happening, then apologize and let her come to you,” 

There was a beat of silence before her father sat back in his chair. 

“That girl loves you, and you love her too,” He added as if he was telling her that the defense used double pivots in transition. Like it was an undisputed fact. “You’ll figure it out,”

Lindsey swallowed hard. She knew she loved you, but it was unsettling that everyone else did too. That they all seemed to think that you would love her back after everything she had done.

“Y/n could never stay mad at you for long anyway,” Her mother chuckled, patting her hand, a stark contrast to her father's serious face. “Just go on her terms, and I’m sure she’ll be receptive to you,” 

She nodded, more to herself than to them. She could do that. She could wait and do things on your terms. She was sure Kelley and Emily and probably Tobin and Christen wouldn’t settle for anything less. 

A long silence stretched between them, before her father cleared his throat, grabbed his coffee, and leaned back into his chair. “Now that that’s settled, do you know who’s starting in the next game? Y/n got several very good shots off last time,”

“I um,” Lindsey shrugged, scratching the back of her neck, thinking of the photos of you in that stupid hospital bed. “I’m not sure,” 

She didn’t doubt Vlatko would let you play, even injured, but it made the ache in her chest worse to think about. Jill was bad in her own way, but at least she usually stuck to doctor-recommended injury return protocols. 

“Hmm,” Her father hummed, idly sipping his coffee as her mother went back to her tea. “We’ll have to just wait and see then,” 

Lindsey nodded again, thinking more about you than about the game. 

She would have to wait and see if you would be open to her again. To wait and see if she would ever be able to fix the damage she had caused. To wait for you to be ready. 

****

“This isn’t a good idea,” Dawn muttered, carefully wrapping your signature red pre-wrap around the thick white gauze on your hand, and the plastic splint holding your palm in a fixed position. “You should be resting,” 

“The field is the only place I can think clearly. It’s better if I play,” Your shoulders lifted and fell. “Does there have to be so much wrapping? It looks more like a club than a hand,” 

Christen rolled her eyes at the statement. 

She should have expected it with the blase attitude you had dawned since the moment she arrived, but your lack of care for your health was still rather astonishing. She couldn’t exactly blame you though, not after Kelley told her what happened. 

At least the parts that the defender knew. You still wouldn’t talk about what happened in the bathroom. 

“You sliced into the muscle of your palm. You’re lucky you didn’t lose the mobility in your fingers, and now you have convinced your coach to let you play not even 72 hours later,” Christen sighed, rubbing your right shoulder gently. 

“Yes, the gauze has to be this thick, we don’t want any of the stitches to accidentally re-open,” Dawn explained gently. 

She didn’t mention that she was adding extra to try and shield you from prying eyes. To keep the commentary teams and the media from speculating about the still gray lines extending past your elbow. 

You hummed in understanding, blinking away from the women and to the small paper you had found in your locker. 

It wasn’t the first note that had magically appeared, and you were sure it wouldn’t be the last. 

It made you feel like you were in high school, passing notes, except you refused to pass back. You didn’t even see the point in reading them. As far as you were concerned, you and Lindsey had nothing to say to each other anyway. 

But still, she kept trying. 

It was weird, and you felt a little like a yo-yo being yanked back and forth. You assumed it was from pity. You didn’t want her pity. 

“Did she send you another one?” Christen asked, her voice going soft. 

You swallowed hard, holding the little blue paper between your fingers, avoiding the loopy pen marks it wore. “Yep,” 

“Do you want me to see what it says?” She pressed carefully. 

You held it out toward the forward in a familiar gesture. She had read all of the notes. “If you want,” 

It was the same response you had given to all the little notes. The same… unbothered indifference. 

She very slowly reached out and plucked the note from your hand, opening it and reading over the words. “Do you want to know what it says?” 

“Nope,” You popped the p, pulling your hand away as Dawn tore off the pre-wrap and pressed it to your arm. “If I wanted to know, I would have read it,” 

“Let me get you a pill and you can go warm up,” Dawn said, pushing herself to her feet. 

“It’s mostly the same as the others,” Christen continued as if you hadn’t said you didn’t care. “She wonders if you’ve read any of the notes,” 

“There have been 10 and you and Tobin have given me the gist of them all,” You muttered, accepting the small, metallic-colored pill from dawn, popping it in your mouth, and swallowing it with a sip of water. 

You just didn’t see the point in reading them. Lindsey never kept her word anyway. 

 “Plus, it’s not like it’ll make this go away,”  You waved your hand over your chest, vaguely gesturing to where you knew the deep bruise sat.

You glanced at Dawn who nodded. “The only known cure to soulmate sickness is physical contact,” 

“So there’s no point,” You shrugged, pushing yourself off the table. “Am I free to go now?” 

“Yes,” Dawn said. “Just take it easy, alright,” 

You paused at the door. “What’s the point, I’m going to die anyway. Why not have fun first,” 

Christen grimaced as the door slammed shut. “I hate it when she jokes like that,”

“I’m not sure it was a joke,” Dawn mumbled, making eye contact with the forward. “The medication will slow it down, but it can’t stop the effects entirely,” 

The apathy. The emptiness in your eyes. The loss of your sunny personality. 

You would lose yourself entirely, and then you would lose your life. 

******

You knew the dream was coming before you fell asleep. You could feel it. 

It felt like a punishment from the universe. A punishment for ignoring Lindsey’s notes. Punishment for letting Kelley, Emily, Christen, and Tobin run interference so you didn’t have to deal with her. A punishment for protecting yourself. 

But it still disoriented you when your eyes flickered open. 

You would never get used to the too-bright colors or the way the light blended into a too-vivid scene that felt real. A scene that made you suddenly feel right. Whole.

A scene you knew was a lie. 

You glanced around the room. A long, open space with little cubbies and nameplates. It was familiar. A locker room like any other. 

You didn’t feel like reading the names to see what part of your past it was from. You just didn’t… care. 

You let out a long breath, shuffling back into the empty cubby and turning sideways. You tucked your knees to your chest, rested your chin on them, and closed your eyes. You were content to wait it out. To pretend.

The bench creaked beside you, but you didn’t open your eyes. You didn’t have to to know who it was. The warmth that filled your hollow chest was enough. Plus there was only one human on the planet who could crash your dreams. 

Lindsey hesitantly cleared her throat, and you heard her shift beside you. “Good game,” 

You hummed. 

It was a good game. Very good. 

You ended up with a first-half hat trick thanks to a stellar cross from Huerta and an assist from Rose. It helped that Vlatko hadn’t let you and Lindsey on the field at the same time (she came on at the half when you were subbed out). 

You were sure how much of that was his doing and how much was demanded by the team and medical staff. 

You had barely seen Lindsey in general, other than when she was on the bench, and you knew that was done by design. When Emily and Kelley weren’t guarding you, it seemed that one of your teammates (especially Sanchez, Trinity, and Huerta) would suddenly need something from you when Lindsey tried to approach. 

It was weird and blatantly obvious, but you deeply appreciated their efforts. 

Lindsey cleared her throat again, and you felt her shift closer to you. “I-… look, I’m sorry. For everything,” 

You let a beat of silence pass between you, unsure if you were even going to respond. Your eyes slowly dragged open and you met tired blue. They seemed to echo the dull throb that had settled in before the game. The same hollowness that just wouldn’t go away. 

A part of you wondered what everything meant. 

Was she sorry for all of the nights you had shared? All of the intimate moments you had never shared with anyone else? That you would never share with anyone else. 

Or maybe she was just sorry she would never care for you in the way you cared for her. 

“Me too,” You said softly. The words felt heavy, laced with truth and pain and utter defeat. 

Not because of the pain she had put you through, but because she regretted you. 

You were sorry because you weren’t good enough. 

You looked away from her burning gaze, back towards the wood of your little cubby. It felt like she was dissecting you. Like she was looking through you and straight into your thoughts. 

“You have nothing to be sorry for,” Lindsey said, her voice deadly serious. “This is all on me,” 

“Not all of it,” You shrugged, lifting your left hand and wiggling your fingers. It was strange because you hadn’t been able to move them for the last week, and you expected the thick gauze to follow you into your dreams. 

That part was all on you, no matter what your friends wanted to believe. 

Lindsey sighed, and you knew she wanted to argue with you, but part of you hoped she wouldn’t. You were too tired to fight. 

“How did it happen?” She asked so softly you almost missed it. 

You blinked, and your eyes flickered back to hers. “What?” 

Lindsey swallowed hard, her throat visibly gulping. “Kelley sent me the picture, but no one will tell me what happened,” 

You frowned. You wanted to say nothing had happened. You wanted to yell and scream at Kelley, even if you knew she meant well. You wanted to admonish Lindsey for not already knowing the reason, even if it wasn’t fair. 

“She shouldn’t have,” 

Lindsey’s hand caught your forearm, sliding down your skin to connect your hands. “Y/n, please,” 

It sent a shiver down your spine and a warmth through your veins that hadn’t been there in god knows how long. 

It chipped away at the ice encasing your heart. 

You blew out a long breath, ripping your eyes from her, leaning your head back so it hit the locker with a low thump, and fixing your eyes on the stupid photoshopped picture Emily had fixed on the roof of your cubby after a bad Portland practice. It was of the three of you, your heads photoshopped onto a picture of the Teenage mutant ninja turtles. 

“A mirror broke,” You said slowly, forcing the words around the sudden lump in your throat. You hadn’t told anyone what happened yet, Christen and Tobin included. “And I got cut. That wasn’t your fault, no matter what Kelley wants to believe,” 

Lindsey made a low sound like she knew that your explanation wasn’t the whole story like she knew you weren’t being honest, 

but she didn’t push. Not like she usually would. 

She sat back on the bench, and squeezed your hand once, twice, three times. 

And it made you feel like you were 17 again, sitting in France holding on for dear life as your world was rocked to its core. It made you feel like you were 22, sitting in this very locker room working through your growing feelings. It made you feel safe and loved in a way that no one else could.

That thought made you sick to your stomach because you knew it wasn’t real. 

The mark on your chest was proof enough of that. 

But you didn’t see the harm in accepting the comfort. In letting her let you just exist. Your eyes slid closed and for the first time in weeks, you felt at peace. 

Who cared if it wasn’t real? At least you weren’t in pain anymore. 

“What about the bruise?” She asked after several long minutes, and you blinked back at her again, noting the way her eyebrows furrowed guiltily. 

Her eyes were fixed on the little Thorns logo sitting just above your heart. 

Your shoulders lifted and fell nonchalantly. “Yeah. That’s kinda on you,” 

“Is it..-“ She paused, shaking her head. “Can I see it?” 

Your nose scrunched. “I’d have to take my shirt off, so no. I don’t even know if it’d be in this stupid dream,” 

It was too… vulnerable. Too exposed for you. Far more unprotected than you were willing to be with Lindsey. 

Plus if the universe wanted her to see it, then you would have appeared in an outfit you couldn’t hide it in, not your old training uniform. 

“You weren’t supposed to see it in the first place,” Yoh muttered, closing your eyes and laying your head back on the locker with a thump. 

You heard Lindsey swallow hard, and you knew she wanted to argue with you. Even if you weren’t quite sure what she could argue. 

But she didn’t. 

Her hand squeezed yours in three slow pulses again. “Alright,” 

You felt the know you didn’t know was in your chest loosen, and your shoulders relaxed as you leaned farther back into the wooden cubby. 

At least you weren’t in pain, and in the quiet locker room, it was easy to let Lindsey’s soft breathing lull you into a near doze. 

It reminded you of all the times you had listened to her breathing when you couldn’t sleep, or when you woke up from a nightmare. All the times it was a sign that you were safe. 

Now you just supposed it was like the beeping of a life support machine. Something to prolong the inevitable. 

Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if you got to feel this at ease. 

*****

Camp had ended far less eventfully than it had started, and you were incredibly grateful for that. 

The final morning passed with little fanfare, and you felt more rested than you had in months, and before you knew it Christen and Tobin were guiding you through the terminal towards a plane headed directly to LA. 

You hadn’t seen Lindsey at all, but as you grabbed your headphones from your bag, you saw the little blue Post-it tucked just inside the zipper. 

You gently grabbed the little paper, pulled out your headphones too, and shoved the bag back under your seat. You stared at it, running your fingers over the indent of your name across the folded front in Lindsey’s loopy writing. 

“Are you going to read this one?” Tobin asked you, pretending that she wasn’t watching the way you were fixated on the note. 

Your shoulders lifted and fell. You hadn’t decided if you were going to open it yet. “Do you know how it got into my bag?” 

“Nope,” Tobin shook her head once. “I was on door duty, and Kelley and Emily were more worried that you ate,” 

You nodded, your tongue poking past your lips. Christen wouldn’t have made the assist, she made her opinion clear, even after you told her about the latest dream. 

You looked back down at the small note. 

You hadn’t cared about them up to this point. You didn’t want to know what Lindsey had to say. You just wanted her to let you die in peace. You just wanted her to be happy and to not hurt anymore. 

But she wasn’t happy. 

Sitting in the Thorns locker room had also filled you with a strange sense of nostalgia. You missed how simple it was before you recognized your feelings. How easy it was to be around her and to feel safe. 

You missed being her friend, intimacy be damned. 

And no matter how stupid you thought the high school note-passing tactic was, you were suddenly curious if it would change those new feelings. If it would tell you why. 

“Do you want me to read it?” Tobin asked, reaching for the small, blue paper. 

You pulled it away. “No,” 

“Ok,” She agreed easily, settling back into her seat, pretending to not watch you. “Christen put the others in the bottom of your bag if you want to read them too,” 

You hummed at the offhand comment, flipping the little blue note over once more before slowly working it open. 

You cracked a smile at the little sketch of a teenage mutant ninja turtle at the top, just below where it was sealed. It was Leonardo and Rafael with a small pizza slice between them. 

Hey Raf,

I forgot that we used to call each other that until I saw Emily’s drawing in your old locker. I kinda miss the days of being the TMNT 3. I definitely miss you. 

Chris says you don’t read my notes, and I can’t blame you. I just want you to know I choose you. I want you to know I love you. 

You didn’t finish reading it.

You didn’t want to.

“What did she say?” Christen asked you gently from Tobin's other side. 

“Some bullshit about her choosing me,” You shrugged again, crumbling the paper and tossing it towards her. “Was it in all the other ones too, or did you just omit it from the synopses?”

She caught it easily, flattening the paper against her thigh, frowning as she scanned over the page. “I just figured It wasn’t the main message,” 

“And what was?” You grumbled. “That now that everyone knows she fucked up she suddenly wants me?” 

“I think the team is more concerned with you deciding you’d rather die,” Tobin said, carefully grabbing the note and reading it after Christen was done. “But go on,” 

You frowned at the pair, suddenly wondering whose side they were on. 

“I don’t want her to care out of some sense of obligation or guilt,” You grit out the words. “I’m not a consolation prize,” 

“No,” Christen agreed carefully. “You’re not a consolation prize to her,” 

“I think Lindsey has cared for a long time,” Tobin added, catching your hand. “She was just afraid to show it,” 

“Could have fucking fooled me,” You snorted. “She chooses me or whatever but she still hasn’t told her boyfriend that I’m her soulmate,” 

Tobin paused, sending a look over her shoulder to Christen. You frowned. 

“What aren’t you telling me?” 

Tobin blew out a long breath. “Lindsey called me the night you broke your hand. We thought she told you,”

Your eyes widened.

Lindsey called them. Lindsey talked to them. They talked to her. 

“What did she want?” The words forced themselves through your grit teeth, misplaced anger rushing through you and flushing your cheeks. 

“Take a deep breath,” Christen said, her voice as calming as you had ever heard it. The same voice she had used each time your unstable emotions threatened to overtake you. 

They were yet another growing symptom of soulmate sickness. 

“I don’t want to,” You bit back. “Tell me,” 

Tobin held her hands up in defense. “Most of it isn’t my story to tell,” 

You sucked in a deep breath through your nose, blowing it slowly out of your mouth, feeling your anger bleed out with it. “But?”

“Lindsey is trying. She just doesn’t know where to start,” Tobin said very slowly, choosing her words carefully. 

“I will not be her second choice,” You muttered, picking at the gauze still wrapped tightly around your hand. “you’re supposed to be on my side,” 

“We are on your side. The side of you living long enough to go to your third World Cup and win,” Christen said, reaching across Tobin to catch your hand and prevent you from unraveling the bandage. “And we’re not telling you to forgive her,” 

You blew out another breath. “Then what are you telling me?” 

“You don’t have to forgive Lindsey,” Tobin said. “I’m not even saying you have to entertain the idea. All I mean is that you’re tied for life, and when you’re ready, she has a lot of making up to do. When you’re ready, it’s on her to fix it. She knows it, and is willing to do it.”

“Hence the stupid fucking notes?” You asked softly, your eyebrows furrowing. The notes were such a Lindsey thing to do. A way to see how open you were to her without pushing. A way to let you come to her. 

“Hence the notes,” Tobin nodded. “She didn’t know where to start,” 

You closed your eyes tightly, leaning back in your seat. “I wish Kelley hadn’t sent her that fucking picture. Then she still wouldn’t care,”

“Kelley sent it because she is insanely protective,” Christen explained as if it was obvious. “You were hurting and she wanted the person responsible to know,”

“You’re like her little sister,” Tobin added unhelpfully. 

You shook your head. “It’s not Lindsey’s fault I hurt my hand, and I wish everyone would fucking see that,” 

“Then who’s fault was it?” Christen pressed, keeping her voice gentle. 

You let out a breath, counting to 10 in your head, trying to still the sudden rush of thoughts and emotions that came from the simple question. 

The truth was that punching that mirror was all on you. It was your inability to regulate your emotions. Your inability to accept the truth. Your inability to be enough. 

You were frustrated that Kelley had shown Lindsey the aftermath, and even more annoyed that it suddenly changed the way Lindsey felt. 

She shouldn’t be guilted into loving you. 

You weren’t worthy of it, no matter how much admitting it made the place on your chest throb. 

“I don’t want to talk about it,” You said, your voice rough with the unspoken tsunami of emotions in your chest, your uninjured hand rubbing idly at the spot right above your heart. 

“You never want to talk about it,” Christen said, her voice edging in desperation. 

You sighed, peeling your eyes open to meet her green. “Lindsey deserves to be happy,”

The defeat in your voice shocked even you as it reached your ears, and the pure honesty made the sludge in your stomach rock. 

Tobin used a hand to catch your chin, forcing you to look at her. “And what about you? Don’t you deserve happiness too?” 

You shook your head, pressing your lips into a thin line. “I don’t matter,” 

You slipped your headphones over your ears before they could push the issue before they could make you unpack that feeling, and stared out the window. 

“I’ve never mattered,”

****

You bit the inside of your lip, glaring at the colorful painting that sat on your therapist's wall, picking at the edge of the gauze on your hand. 

There was less of it now, making it look more like a hand than a club, but the stitches were still sensitive enough that you couldn’t go without it. 

“I don’t understand your question,” You muttered, your eyes tracing across the red sunset in the painting, refusing to look at her. 

It was a bad habit you had picked up in the three weeks you had been seeing her. It was easier to talk to her when you didn’t have to look at her, not that you had done much talking anyway. 

“You’ve told me a lot of wonderful things about Lindsey. You’ve told me about the incredible intimacy that the two of you share. I wanted to know who initiated it,” Clarke said, and you could feel her watching you. 

You frowned. “Like who kissed who first?” 

It felt like one of those stupid media fan questions. Like the ones you had gotten on Twitter after the game, demanding to know how you hurt your hand and asking for your opinion on the fan theories the whole ordeal had created. 

It wasn’t like the normal probing questions Clarke asked you. 

She hummed, shrugging her shoulders. “Is that when you think the emotional intimacy between you started?” 

You bit your lip at the question. You and Lindsey had been linked far before you kissed. 

“No,” You said, dragging your eyes to meet hers. “That was pretty instant,” 

You remembered being taken with Lindsey from the first moment you saw her, even though she had ripped all of the laces out of her shoe on a stupid escalator. It was mid-morning when her and her mother arrived at the apartment, and you were so anxious you couldn’t get words past your lips. 

You had waved at her instead, and you were pretty sure she thought you were entirely unable to talk for the first two weeks you had known her. 

“Tell me about it?” Clarke asked very gently, noting the faraway look in your eyes in her notes. 

It was the look you always got when you talked about Lindsey, even if all you told her in your discussions were good things. 

“I…” You paused, biting your lips, trying to think of the moment that you and Lindsey became inseparable. It had to have been after your first hard practice. “It was like two weeks after she moved into the apartment. We were watching Disney movies in French to try and learn the language,” 

It was a semi-truth. You had performed horribly on the field and wanted a distraction. All that was on was the lion king and it was extra money to watch it in English. She walked into your soft sniffles and sat down next to you out of obligation. 

Lindsey felt bad for you. She always pitied you. It was why she sat next to you on the couch that night. 

“And it progressed from there?” Clarke pressed, leaning forward. 

“Yeah, we just kinda clicked,” You hummed, scratching the back of your neck with your good hand. It was more than that. That night, she made you smile and you made her laugh. It was the spark of your entire relationship, and it only got stronger when the pressure from the coaches increased. “And then with all the stuff that was happening…”

Clarke nodded understandingly and it made you feel like she could hear the thoughts racing through your head. “Trauma has a way of bonding people,” 

“Yeah,” You nodded, scratching the gray lines on your neck a little harder. When things continued to get worse, you and Lindsey found comfort in each other. She was the only one who made you feel safe. “We started sharing a bed because I was having nightmares. It was comforting to have her there,” 

“She made you feel safe,” Clarke supplied easily. 

“Always,” You agreed. It didn’t matter what was happening at practice, when you were together, you knew it would all be ok. “It was like she was shielding me from all the bullshit. Our bed was our safe place,” 

“Is that why you kissed for the first time?” 

Your eyebrows furrowed. 

The truth was that the first kiss you shared was… blurry. 

“No,” You said slowly. “That didn’t happen for a while,” 

Clarke hummed. “Who initiated?”

“I…-,” Your eyebrows furrowed. You remembered laying on too-fancy sheets, sharing a bowl of unsalted popcorn. You remembered the sunset peeking through the window and soft laughter. You remember leaning against her strong frame, and her hand running through your hair. You remembered the taste of her lips and the way you moved together, but you didn’t know who leaned in first. “I can’t remember actually,” 

Admitting it made your heart race, and your chest ache. How could you not remember such a fundamental moment in your relationship? 

“That’s ok,” Charlie said, reaching out and placing a steadying hand on your knee. “How about we talk about something else for a bit,” 

You swallowed hard, dropping the hand on your neck and going back to picking at the edge of the gauze on your hand. “Ok,” 

“Let’s talk about the night you broke the mirror,” 

Your back instantly straightened. “What about that night?” 

It came out more harshly than you intended. Colder. Guarded. 

You hadn’t even told Tobin and Christen about that night yet, despite their prying. 

“Well, we haven’t discussed it yet,” Clarke said carefully. “And it’s the reason you have to see me 3 times a week for the next month,”

“What do you want to know?” You sighed, leaning forward. 

Being honest was the only way to not have to see Clarke. The only way for her to sign the papers that would get rid of the Minute limit that had been placed on you. 

“How did the mirror break?” Clarke asked you softly. 

You bit your lip, picking the edge of the gauze with a little more vigor. “I punched it,” 

It pained you to say the words out loud and had blood rushing to your cheeks. 

“With the intention of hurting yourself?” 

You blinked up at Clarke’s question. The same question they asked you in the hospital. 

“No,” You said sternly, shaking your head once. “I just… needed the sound in my head to stop,” 

“What kind of sound?”

You squinted at the probing question. The answer was just so difficult to put into words. It was difficult for you to even wrap your head around it. 

There was so much noise constantly surrounding you, and it had all been too much. You wanted Lindsey to stop, and your family to stop. You just wanted everything to… stop. 

“My thoughts,” You mumbled, catching the edge of the gauze and pulling just a bit too tight.  “I was spiraling and I couldn’t get them to stop. I just wanted it to be quiet so I could breathe,” 

Clarke nodded, jotting more notes down in her little book. “You were having a panic attack,” 

“I guess,” Your shoulders lifted and fell and your eyes returned to the stupid painting in her corner. You weren’t sure if it was panic, or if it was an outward manifestation of your disgust in yourself. 

“Alright,” She said finally as the little timer on the table went off. “I have some homework for you that I think will be helpful before our next session…-“

You tuned out her words, focusing instead on the place in the picture where the orange sunset met the deep black of the sea. Where they swirled together. 

You wished you were there instead of here. 

******

You knew the dream was coming. The universe had been kind, allowing you to ignore your soulmate for 5 weeks. You knew it couldn’t last forever, especially after Clarke’s homework. 

The only way for you to complete it was to talk to her, and you fucking refused to respond via note. 

You sighed, pressing your face further into the soft down pillow beneath your head, your hand closing around too-fancy sheets. They were cool to the touch, something that never happened in real life. 

You felt eyes on the side of your face, tracing the little scar that existed by your eye (from an unfortunate encounter with a Spanish defender when you were 17), down your cheek, and sweeping across your nose to your lips. 

It was familiar. A scene that had played hundreds of times. 

But it no longer filled you with the warm fuzzy feeling it used to, even if the ache in your chest dulled. 

“It’s rude to stare,” You mumbled, reluctantly forcing your eyes open to look at Lindsey. 

Lindsey smirked, her dimples showing. “Some people consider it rude not to stare at a masterpiece,”

You rolled your eyes, pushing yourself to sit up. “That line was played out the first time you used it,”

It was familiar in a way that had butterflies flying in your stomach, and unease settling firmly on your chest. 

Linsey chuckled. “It still made you blush back then” 

You shrugged, running your hand through your hair, noting that you weren’t wearing the brace and gauze that had become part of your wardrobe. You wiggled your fingers experimentally in front of your face, and you could feel Lindsey watching them too. 

“This is where it started,” She said softly, and your eyes snapped toward her. 

“Kinda,”

Lindsey’s eyebrows furrowed. “What do you mean?” 

You shrugged, dragging your eyes back toward your hand. It was easier to admit things when you didn’t have to look at the person you were talking to. It was easier to follow Clarke’s advice and be honest. 

“An equipment closet in Paris is where this phase of our relationship kicked off,” 

You said the words softly, but they felt heavy. It was like a rock splashing into a pond, leaving only ripples in its wake. 

You expected Lindsey to argue with you. To say that the night of the World Cup wasn’t where this whole thing started. That this room was the place where you shared most of your firsts. Your first feelings, your first kiss, your first…time. 

But in that closet, she handed you your first heartbreak, and you weren’t sure you had ever even begun to piece back the little shards of your heart. 

She swallowed hard. “I wish that night ended differently. I wish I responded differently. I’ll never be able to tell you how sorry I am. I should have held you tighter, instead of pushing you away,” 

It surprised you that she didn’t try to deny it, and you tried to smother the warm feeling that started to bloom in your chest. All you ever wanted was for her to acknowledge what the two of you shared. 

“You won’t even acknowledge we’re soulmates,” You countered, none of the fire you expected in your voice. You just sounded… defeated. 

Lindsey frowned, her eyebrows furrowing. “They didn’t tell you?”

“Tell me what?” You asked. 

It irritated you that everyone knew things that you didn’t know. It irritated you that they were talking about you without you there. 

“I broke up with Ty. I told him and my parents,” 

“Oh,” You breathed out. 

“I’m not telling you to get you to forgive me. I just thought you should know,” She said too quickly as if she was afraid she would break the tenuous truce between you. 

Silence stretched between you as you digested the information. Digesting that Tobin and Christen already knew. Digesting that Lindsey really had chosen you. 

You could hear Clarke’s voice in your head, reminding you of the homework she had assigned. The homework to talk about your feelings. 

“You know, it used to make me feel special that you didn’t want other people to know,” You said slowly, and you could feel Lindsey’s eyes on your face. “Then it just made me feel dirty,” 

She reached out and caught your arm. “I’m sorry,” 

You felt it in your bones. Her honesty, her… desperation for you to believe her. 

You did believe her, but you didn’t want her apology. “You keep saying that,” 

“You deserve so much more than what I gave you,” She said, her voice barely above a whisper, her anguish cracking your heart. 

You shook your head. “I don’t need your pity, Lindsey. You don’t have to do this because you’re guilty,”

She frowned. “Guilty?”

You chuckled. “That’s what our relationship is based on isn’t it?”

She only told them because she had to. Because she felt bad. Because Kelley had exposed Lindsey’s impact on you. 

“Absolutely not!” Lindsey exclaimed, wiggling your arm, trying to get you to look at her. 

“It is though,” You pressed out, despite the bitter taste of the words on your tongue. “You never would have been my friend if you didn’t walk in on me crying,” 

She never would have been your friend if she didn’t feel some… obligation to not leave you alone that first night. She felt sorry for you because you were incapable of making friends with anyone else on the French squad. 

“Y/n,” She said more softly, shifting over and ducking so you had to look at her. “I had been working up the courage to talk to you since I moved in,”

Her eyes burned into yours, and her honesty sent shivers down your spine. 

“It was never because you felt bad for me?” You asked again. 

“No,” 

You nodded, your mind flying to try and catch up with the admission. With the knowledge that maybe she had wanted you as long as you wanted her. Maybe this wasn’t just her response to pity and guilt. 

Maybe she could help you with your therapy homework after all. 

“Did you kiss me first, or did I kiss you?” You suddenly asked the question.

The tension between you dissipated instantly, and Lindsey’s laugh was like bells, drawing a smile to your features. 

Lindsey’s head tilted. “You can’t remember?” 

You shook your head once. “No, and I hate that I can’t,”

A small smile played across her lips. “I guess it kinda makes sense. It’s a trick question,” 

Your eyebrows furrowed as your mind thought back to that night. 

You could practically feel the indent of her hand as it rested on your waist, holding you steady. You could feel her soft breaths puffing onto your lips. You could smell her perfume, mixed with something just so… Lindsey. 

You remembered your eyes meeting hers, and how the blue was just a sliver around her dilated pupils. You remembered them getting closer like you were magnets drawn together. 

“We leaned in at the same time,” 

“We did,” She agreed, watching as you leaned back into the pillows. “So technically it was mutual,” 

You hummed, running a hand through your hair, accidentally flashing the dark mark that had crept back up your shoulder as your shirt shifted. You felt her eyes boring into it immediately. 

“Can I,” She paused, clearing her throat. “Can I see the mark?” 

You tensed immediately, and you pulled away from her, your shoulders curling in on themselves. “You’ve already seen it,” 

She sat before you frozen, her hand hanging in the air like she was still holding on to you and flipped it over, and held it out to you. “Y/n, please?” 

You stared at it with untrusting eyes. 

Talking to Lindsey was one thing, but showing her the damage she caused was another. 

But then again, didn’t she have the right to see it? That was Kelley’s defense after all. 

You let out a long breath, sending her a very stiff nod. It took you another second to gather the courage to pull your shirt over your head. 

Lindsey gasped as soon as the dark mark on your chest and the spider web of veins that sprouted from it was on display, but she didn’t move. Her eyes didn’t even roam the newly visible skin. 

She was doing this at your pace, you realized. 

“You can look,” You said, your voice shaking slightly. 

Lindsey swallowed and very slowly brought her eyes up to gaze at your chest. Her eyes felt heavy, but they didn’t make you feel uncomfortable. You didn’t feel objectified, but you never had with her. 

“Can I,” She cleared her throat. “Can I touch it? They say that helps?”

You blinked at her, once, twice, before you slowly nodded. 

It was something Clarke had suggested. She said physical contact in dreams was a good way to start, especially if you weren’t averse to Lindsey’s touch. 

The problem you saw was that you were the complete opposite. You were addicted to the way her skin felt on yours and the instant sense of safety it brought you. 

Lindsey wasn’t safe anymore, and you needed to remember that. 

She moved slowly as she brought her hand to your chest like you were a frightened animal she was afraid would snap at her. 

You sucked in a sharp breath when her fingers gently landed on the deep purple skin right above your heart, and tingles sprouted from the place the two of you met. 

It made your chest burn, like a flame blasting away at the ice that had coated your veins. 

It was better than a hug, and you could practically feel your worry and pain being sucked from your chest. 

“Does it-…” You cleared your throat, your cheeks turning red. “Do you feel it too?” 

Lindsey frowned, and you rolled your eyes. “Do you feel the ache too?” 

“I do,” She bit her lip and nodded. She let her fingers wander up your chest, tracing the thick black line that extended to your neck.“But I doubt it’s anywhere close to what you feel. I never meant to cause you pain,” 

You hissed when she pressed into the line slightly too hard, in the place Kelley always did. “Then why did you?”

She paused, slowly dragging her hand down across your shoulder and down your arm, following the web of lines. 

“I was afraid, and that made me selfish,” 

“Of?” You pressed, catching her hand. 

Her eyes blinked up to meet yours, and you saw something you didn’t often see. Insecurity. “My family, the media, myself,” 

Your lips pressed into a thin line. You could understand fear. She used Ty and the word “friendship” as a shield. You had just been an inadvertent casualty. 

That didn’t change overnight. It also didn’t make it ok, but it was nice to understand. 

“We would have gotten through it,” You said, your voice barely above a whisper. “Together,” 

You would have done anything for her. You still would. You were willing to die so she could be happy after all. 

“We’ll get through this too,” She squeezed your hand three times slowly. “I’ll do whatever I have to make it up to you,” 

“No more notes. We’re not in high school,” You cracked a small smile leaning back into the pillows. “Just text me instead,” 

“I can do that,” She agreed, squeezing your hand again, and you believed her. 

*****

You knew physical contact was supposed to help with the symptoms of soulmate sickness, you just never really thought about how much it would help. 

You felt like you were walking on air. Like the weight in your chest had eased, even slightly. Even smiling didn’t take as much effort as it had for the last several weeks. 

Maybe that was why Freya had let you help the goalies practice (fucking finally), and even join in on the last few minutes of the scrimmage that ended practice. 

You just felt… good. (But you were loath to admit it was mostly because of the dream you shared with Lindsey). 

You expected that was what Freya wanted to talk to you about as practice came to a close. You hadn’t expected her to instead lay out a plan that put your physical and mental health at the forefront of the team. You hadn’t expected her to care. 

Shock followed you to the locker room, as you sat down heavily in front of your locker. 

“You good?” Tobin asked, settling beside you as you untied your cleats. It was so much easier now that you didn’t have to have the plastic splint under the gauze still wrapping your hand. 

“Hmm,” You hummed, pulling out your shin guards and sticking them inside your cleats. 

Tobin waited for you to continue, sharing a look with Christen and raising her eyebrow when you did not. 

“What was that about?” Christen prompted gently. 

You blew out a breath, “Freya is excusing me from the game. I have to be in Portland but I don’t have to go to the stadium,” 

Christen settled down on your other side. “And how do you feel about that?” 

You shrugged. “I’m not cleared to play, so I’m not surprised,” 

You could feel them watching you, but you stared at your cleats. 

“That doesn’t answer the question kid,” Tobin pressed, her hand leaning heavily on your shoulder, her thumb barely brushing the little scar that had replaced part of the black line that used to extend up your neck. “How do you feel?”

“It’s not good to bottle it all up,” Christen added gently. 

Your good hand clenched on your thigh. You didn’t want to talk about how you felt. It would make you think about Lindsey and how irritating it was that her just touching you in a dream was enough to have the dark marks retreating. It was irritating that she was texting you now like things were normal. 

“I don’t bottle,” You grit out. 

“You do though,” Tobin said, squeezing your shoulder. 

“You hide all your feelings away to not distract us, or to protect us and it gets so bad that you finally explode,” Christen added, much more softly, carefully uncurling your fingers from your leg and pressing your hand flat. “Look where it’s gotten you,” 

“This wasn’t from bottling,” You muttered, finally dragging your eyes up to meet theirs. “I just wanted everything to stop,” 

“And punching a mirror and a wall over and over again helped with that?” Tobin quirked an eyebrow up at you. 

You swallowed hard and looked away. “Sometimes physical pain is better, more tangible than what’s going on in my head. But this is different,” 

“You don’t know what you want to do?” Tobin asked. 

You shook your head once, biting your lip. “No,” 

“You’ll probably get to hang out in one of the boxes if you go,” Christen reasoned, weaving your fingers together, her other hand rubbing smooth circles into your back. You leaned into the familiar comfort, biting the inside of your cheek. 

“Mark will probably have Lindsey on the field for the whole game,” You agreed, suddenly finding your socks interesting. “And she’s already texting me about coffee and stuff,” 

Christen and Tobin shared another long look behind your back. 

“How do you feel about that?” Christen asked you gently, and you wanted to roll your eyes at the repeated question. She was so much like Clarke in that way. 

You shrugged again. “It’s just weird,” 

“What? Being back in the friend zone? Or dancing the line between the two again?” Tobin snorted, and you sent her a sideways glance. 

“Her being nice to me,” you grumbled, pulling on your sweats and throwing your training gear into your bag. “I’m not sure if she’s being honest or not,” 

“And you’re not sure if you want to find out?” Christen finished your thought for you as if she was reading your mind, ignoring Tobin. 

You nodded. “It’s different in dreams, and I’m not ready to do it in real life yet,” 

Frankly, you were just happy that the paper notes had stopped.

But the rest was more… complicated. 

Everything in the dreams felt real. It felt right. You felt safe. But you knew you weren’t. 

You were just waiting for her to turn on you again. Or for her to suggest you go back to the way things were before. You didn’t want to be a dirty little secret again. 

So far, you had taken several small steps, each one talked out in detail with Clarke. 

You weren’t ready to see Lindsey in person. Or to be back in Portland. Your soul was still healing, but unlike your hands, the thick stitches you had used to pull yourself back together weren’t as healed. 

But you didn’t really have a choice in one. 

“Being back in Portland will be a lot,” Tobin said, and you blinked at the sheer understanding you heard there. 

“I know,” You muttered, running a hand through your hair. “I think being inside providence park will be too overwhelming,” 

“So you’re just going to hang out at the hotel?”  Christen asked, her eyebrows furrowed. 

Neither she nor Tobin liked the idea of you being alone. Not after everything that had happened. Especially when you would be in a city that meant so much to the two of you. 

Your shoulder lifted and fell for a third time. “Yeah, probably,” 

Bailey would most likely set up a PT appointment for you or something, and then you would take notes on the game. You would avoid windows and reminders of where you were, and you would take solace in the genericness of the hotel. You would pretend you were in some other City somewhere.

You bit the inside of your cheek. “I’m not going to mention it to Lindsey yet…”

A part of you didn’t want to give her a chance to talk you into it, and a part of you wanted to throw her slightly off-kilter to see how she would respond. To see if she would reject you.

Christen and Tobin shared another look.

“Whatever you want to do kid,” Tobin agreed, though you could tell she wasn’t entirely sold on your plan, and Christen squeezed your hand. 

You needed to take little steps. And that’s exactly what you would do. 

******

Your nose scrunched as you came into consciousness. 

You dragged your eyes open, immediately noting the clay-colored rocks across from you, and that you were leaning against a boulder the size of a car. You glanced around, seeing the tips of mountains beyond the slight narrowing of the trail, and you assumed a lookout lay beyond the gorge you had woken up in. 

You let out a long sigh, pressing back into the smooth stone. It wasn’t warm, despite the sun on your face, and you wondered if that was a product of the fan on the airplane blowing on your face. You wondered if it was enough to create the artificial breeze dancing through your hair and across your cheeks. 

It was strange that you and Lindsey always met in dreams while you were flying. 

You took another deep breath, before pushing yourself to your feet. 

Your eyebrows furrowed as hiking boots you didn’t own crunched against the trail, and your hand trailed against smooth, cool stones uninhibited by the bandage that had been a mainstay in your wardrobe since the incident nearly 6 weeks ago. 

This had to be Lindsey’s dream. 

You shook your head and slowly made your way through the crevice. You had to turn sideways to make it through the almost too-small crack in the rock to get to the open space just beyond. 

The sight that met you was enough to take your breath away. 

The gorge opened into a small clearing that ended in a cliff. 

Mountains stretched out past the little cliff’s edge, nearly disappearing in the too-blue sky. You could see the ocean just beyond the farthest mountain peak, and if you squinted, you were sure you could spot a boat. 

And there, seated on the edge of the cliff was Lindsey. She was the most beautiful sight of all. 

Blind hair blowing slightly in the wind, her small tank top showing off her strong arms. 

It was painful how gorgeous she was. 

But Clarke said it was good to let yourself feel those feelings. That it was good for you to recognize and acknowledge your attraction to her, even if it made you feel conflicted. 

You shook your head, and very slowly made your way towards her. 

“So this is what you’re always talking about huh?” You asked, settling down beside her, your legs hanging over the edge. 

You felt her shift next to you, but you didn’t turn away from the view. 

“Makes it worth it, right?” She countered, and you could hear the roughness in her voice, but you could also feel her smirk. 

You hated hiking and refused to go on almost all of her outings (the sunrise hike in Hawaii didn’t count, especially with the kiss you had received in the early morning sun), but she always told you that the effort was with it because of the view you got to see. You still weren’t convinced. 

Just like you weren’t convinced that all the work with Lindsey would turn out in the end. But Tobin has once felt the same way about Christen, and they turned out ok. 

You shrugged. “I’m not sure. I’d have to know how many miles away the car is first,”

 “I think it was like 4 and a half miles?” She scratched the back of her neck, and you felt her eyes on your face. 

“Hmm,” You hummed, cracking a smile. “Way too many for me,” 

“You run like 8 in a game and more during practice,” Lindsey chuckled, nudging your shoulder gently. 

“But that’s different,” You rolled your eyes, but couldn’t help but chuckle with her. “It’s a goal-directed activity,” 

She raised an eyebrow at you, her dimples showing, but she didn’t argue with you. 

She scooted closer to you and in another world you would have laid your head on her shoulder, but you didn’t. You couldn’t allow yourself to get too comfortable. 

“Are you on the flight?” Lindsey asked you, breaking the short silence that settled between you. 

“Yeah,” You nodded, your eyebrows furrowing. You knew that the flight was early, but you hadn't expected her to be asleep. Not when Mark was obsessed with morning practices. “Doesn’t your practice start soon?” 

“I have no clue,” She muttered, rubbing the back of her neck again. “But we can grab coffee after it ends? Your flight should get to Portland and you should have time to get unpacked and stuff,” 

“You probably want to go to Dutch Bros,” You said teasingly. 

“No,” She said instantly, smirking. “Grounded NW has grown on me,” 

Your eyes widened at the name of your favorite coffee shop near the stadium. “You said you hated them,” 

“It’s grown on me,” She shrugged, and you swore you saw a small blush crawling up her cheeks. “And it reminds me of you,”

You felt heat bleed into your cheeks. “You said you didn’t like their oat milk,”

“No. I didn’t like the barista flirting with you,” Lindsey explained, catching your hand. “Tyler doesn’t work there anymore,” 

You frowned. You remembered the tall boy and his twitchy nature. You remembered his asking too many questions as he took your order. You didn’t remember flirting though… then again you had been with Lindsey. You rarely paid attention to other things when she was with you. 

The last time you had been there, he wanted to know all about your upcoming game. Lindsey hadn’t liked that. She practically dragged you out of the small shop after he got a little too close when he passed you your drink. 

“You were jealous?” You asked. 

She bit her lip. “Of course I was jealous. People hit on you all the time, and you weren’t mine.” 

“That wasn’t my fault,” You countered immediately, but she was already nodding. 

“No, it was mine,” Lindsey agreed. “But that didn’t make it easier,” 

It was nice to know that she shared the feelings you did. That she had wanted you. 

At least it made sense why she hated your favorite coffee shop now. 

“Is that why you ordered the most complicated drink I’ve ever heard?” You asked, your eyebrows furrowing.

It was strange how she always ordered some crazy iced coffee thing when you went there with her instead of her normal oat milk late. 

“Yeah,” She said sheepishly, the red in her cheeks traveling up towards her ears. “It was Emily’s idea really, but it kept him busy any time we went there,” 

You snorted. “I thought that was why he was always glaring at you,” 

“You get stuck in your head,” Lindsey shrugged again. 

You shrugged too, settling into silence. It was a true statement after all. You spent a good portion of your life trapped in your head, oblivious to the world around you. 

“So coffee after practice?” She asked suddenly.  

You nodded, looking away. You wouldn’t outright lie, but you wouldn’t be completely honest either. 

“Cool,” She smiled widely at you, and you noticed the edges of the cliff turning slightly blurry.  “See you in Portland,” 

“Yeah,” You said as she faded before you and the dream came to a close.

*****

Lindsey was very confused.

She thought that you were making progress. The two of you were cordial in dreams, and it felt like it used to feel when she was with you. You were willingly texting with her. You weren’t avoiding her anymore. 

It was easy to be with you. And the two of you were working your way towards being friends again. 

At least she thought that. 

But now she wasn’t sure. Not with you not even being on the roster for practice, much less the game. 

“Freya excused her,” Tobin shrugged, trying to push past Lindsey towards the field. 

It was like a pin popping the balloon in her chest. The little pocket of happiness she had been operating in was gone in an instant. 

You had just seen her. Why didn’t you tell her? Why did you agree to coffee if you never intended on going? 

Lindsey caught her arm. “But she’s ok? She’s not hurt?”

“Yeah,” Tobin said dismissively, trying to pull her arm out of Lindsey’s grip. “She’s not cleared for the game and is bored of being the goalie’s kicker,” 

Lindsey’s eyebrows furrowed. Players who couldn’t play usually didn’t travel with the team. “But she said she was on the plane?” 

“She’s doing PT at the hotel,” Christen cut in, appearing behind Tobin’s shoulder. Lindsey noted the sudden stiffness in the midfielder turned forwards form and the worry in Christen’s eyes. 

And suddenly Lindsey understood. They didn’t want to leave you alone. They didn’t trust that you wouldn’t do something stupid. 

“Maybe we should get out of the tunnel,” Christen said, gesturing toward the now-empty LA locker room. Lindsey nodded and allowed them to guide her into the room and towards the bench. 

She dutifully sat down and began wringing her hands together. “She didn’t want to see me, right?”

She couldn’t help the hurt that colored her tone. She didn’t expect you to outright lie to her. 

“Not exactly,” Christen said as the door closed behind them. 

“She isn’t cleared to play,” Tobin explained, settling down beside her.  “Even if the dreams are helping the marks on her chest,” 

“I didn’t know she wasn’t cleared. She didn’t tell me it was that bad,” Lindsey grumbled, looking away from the pair, and the eyes starting to watch them now that they were blocking the door to the locker room. 

Christen’s hand was gentle against her shoulder, and her words were even softer. “Lindsey, when has she ever?”

The midfielder blew out a long breath. 

Christen was right. You were more apt to suffer in silence than burden one of them. But you told her that you were in pain. You showed her and she still ignored it. She ignored every warning sign and stomped over you like you didn’t matter. 

And suddenly, the strange ending to your shared dream made sense. As did the way you talked around going to coffee with her in your texts. 

You were trying to protect yourself from getting hurt by her recklessness again.

She swallowed hard, looking away from Christen. “But the mark on her chest has been better?”

She needed to know that she was at least helping in some way to repair the damage she had caused. 

“It’s fading slowly,” Tobin said, leaning a warm, grounding hand on her back. “She's irritated because the med staff won’t clear her until the stitches come out,”

“And Clarke won’t clear her until she talks about her emotions,” Christen added, her voice even. 

“So seeing me was too much?” Lindsey said, more pained than she intended, running a hand through her hair. “But we’ve been fine in the dreams,”

Christen settled beside her, and gently took her hand. “The two of you were ok in a dream before, and then she got hurt again,”

“Plus she literally plans out what to say to you in those dreams,” Tobin snorted, shaking her head. “It's most of what she and her therapist talk about,”

“So real life was too? What, real?” Lindsey muttered bitterly. 

Tobin sighed, squeezing her shoulder again.  “It brings up too many emotions and being here is already hard for her,”

“But we were finally interacting like we did before,” Lindsey ran another hand through her hair, dragging it down her face. “Things were finally back to the way they were before,”

Christen’s eyes tightened like she was choosing her next words carefully. “Have you considered that going back to the way things were before might be slightly overwhelming for her?”

Lindsey let the words sink in, but she didn’t understand them. 

“Why? All I did was ask her for coffee. It was a friendly date,”

She felt more than she saw Christen and Tobin share a long look. 

“You didn’t call it a date,” Christen said softly, and Lindsey felt her shoulders sink. “And the two of you were never just friends,”

Of course that was the crux of the issue. You told her it would be. 

You didn’t want to be a dirty secret. You wanted her to acknowledge what was between you, and not just in the dreams. 

But you weren’t more than friends. Yet. 

“We were friends who occasionally slept together,”  

The words felt clinical on her tongue. 

“Psh occasionally,” Tobin snorted, ignoring Christen’s glare. 

“A relationship is about more than sex Lindsey,” The striker said sharply, leaving no room for argument. “You two have been emotionally intimate for a very long time. You were intimate even before you started sleeping together,” 

“We weren’t,” Lindsey protested, but Tobin squeezed her shoulder, stopping her before she could deny you yet again. 

“You were,” The midfielder turned striker said softly, “The only reason I could move into the apartment in France was because you two had been sharing a bed for months,” 

Lindsey groaned. “We weren’t sleeping together yet though,” 

“No,” Christen agreed. “But emotionally, you were far closer than friends are. You were basically dating without a label. You went to restaurants and places alone just so you could spend time together. You held each other during sleep and cuddled every chance you got. You washed each other's hair, and You didn’t keep any secrets. The list goes on,” 

“It felt like your entire world was falling apart when she left, right?” Tobin added, watching as recognition flashed through her blue eyes. “That feeling doesn’t come from just being friends. Each time you deny that, you deny her,”

It felt like a knife in Lindsey’s chest, slowly deflating her. 

The two of you had done all of those things. You moved with and around each other like you were one person. Like you belonged. And when the elevator door shut on your face, she had never felt so much pain in her entire life. It was like cracks were rippling through her entire being. She didn’t know how to be without you. How to cope. 

And it solidified how much she did not know how to fix this. It was a minefield of hurt she didn’t know how to navigate. 

“I know that,” Lindsey muttered, running a frustrated hand through her hair.  “That’s not what I mean,”

“But that’s what Y/n hears. It’s what she’s always heard,” Christen said, her words heavy. A sense of finality in her tone. 

It made Lindsey’s chest ache because you had told her that too. She knew you felt dirty. Used. Dispensable to her, even if you weren’t. 

“I know,” She murmured, dragging her hand from her hair and down her face. “I just…-“

She paused, digging her palm into her eye, and Tobin and Christen waited for her to get her thought out. 

“How am I supposed to fix it if she won’t even come see me,”

The, in reality, was implied.

Christen sighed, reaching out to take Lindsey’s hand and carefully pull it from her face. The midfielder met her eyes with burning blue. “We know she hated the notes, but maybe a coffee delivery will be different,”

“And a “date of sorts,” Tobin added, her lips pulling into a half smile. “Facetime has a screen share feature so you can both watch the game,” 

Lindsey nodded seriously, her face morphing into the one it did when she was watching film. Focused and intent. You didn’t want to see her in person, but a Facetime date would mean that she technically wasn’t. 

“I can handle that,” Lindsey hummed, pushing herself to her feet, motivated now that she had a solid plan. 

“Hey Linds,” 

“Yeah?” She asked, pausing by the door and turning to look at them. 

“If you hurt her again, we won’t stop Kelley this time,” Christen said seriously.

“I know,” She nodded. “Sonnett said the same thing. I’m not going to hurt her,” 

******

It was decidedly strange being left alone. 

You had been surrounded by people since the incident, whether it was Tobin and Christen or your new teammates doing their best to be there for you (even if they had no clue what was going on). 

You understood it, and deeply appreciated their efforts to protect you (even from yourself), but as you sat on your hotel room bed, adamantly not looking out the window at the view, you realized how much you had missed solitude.

It was something you talked about with Clarke during the team's morning walk-through. 

It felt like the first time in a long time that you had space to just think. To process what it felt like to be back in a city that meant so very much to you. 

The hotel room was generic enough that you could pretend you were in a different place, even if that didn’t follow Clarke’s advice. Even if you weren’t sure you wanted to pretend anymore. 

You understood that avoiding Lindsey and Portland wouldn’t fix anything. 

But you were afraid. 

Lindsey had always made logic go out the window. She made you feel things in your chest and your stomach that made your brain want to believe her. It made you want to set aside all of the warning bells in your brain.

At least in the dreams, you knew that none of it was real. 

It didn’t matter if you trusted her in the dreams, because you knew you couldn’t when you opened your eyes. 

The only way for her to earn that trust back was through actions, but you weren’t ready for that. Even if you were… 

It didn’t change anything.

You blew out a long breath, settling back on the bed and flicking through the channels on the television to find the one showing the game. 

Freya’s only contingency for sitting out was that you watched how everyone performed. You could do that. You were planning on doing it anyway. 

You hummed as the LA Lineup flashed onto the screen, excited to see both Christen and Tobin starting and interested that they would have Charley up top with them. You wondered if Christen or her would take the 9 spot, or if they would swap out. 

It would be a tough task for any of the back line to take them on, and the midfield would be a major factor. 

You were also curious about what midfield Portland would put up to try and slow them down. Of course, Lindsey would be starting, or so you thought. Your easy smile flipped on itself when you saw that Lindsey was not in the starting 11. She wasn’t even on the roster. 

The commentators were steering clear of mentioning it beyond that you were out with an injury and Lindsey’s absence was excused for personal reasons.

You didn’t get a chance to ponder what the fuck personal reasons were before there was a soft knock at your door. 

You stared at the door for a long minute, flipping between the roster and it several times. 

It would be an entirely Lindsey thing to do to show up at your door, despite your efforts to avoid her. It was an entirely Lindsey thing to be stubborn enough not to give up, despite how much you wanted her to. 

You let out a long sigh and pushed yourself to your feet. You paused when you reached the door, your hand on the shiny handle, steeling yourself to come face-to-face with her. 

You cracked the door open, peeking out, expecting to see her standing there.

Except she wasn’t. 

All that was there was a to-go coffee cup with a sticky note attached to the front. 

“What the fuck?” You mumbled, pulling the door open wide enough so you could pick it up, before retreating into your room. 

You plucked the little orange note off the front, squinting at the loopy writing. 

I know you hated the notes, but I wanted to respect your space. 

FaceTime coffee date?

You couldn’t help but chuckle at it, both irritated and endeared at the same time. 

It was thoughtful and reminded you of a Lindsey you knew before the World Cup. 

You sat back on the bed, taking a hesitant sip of the drink she had gotten you and sticking the sticky beside you on the nightstand. 

It was your favorite drink. 

You weren’t sure why you expected anything less. 

You grabbed your phone from the nightstand and flipped to Lindsey's contact, pausing for just a second, stealing your resolve yet again before pressing it. 

It only rang twice before Lindsey’s face appeared on your screen. 

“Hey,” She smiled brilliantly at you, but you still saw the hint of nerves in her eyes. 

You smiled back, holding your cup up to the camera. “Hey, thanks for the coffee,” 

“Couldn’t have a coffee date without coffee.” She held hers up too, and you noticed the little Dutch bros logo that differed from the grounded NW that was stamped on your cup.  “I figured we could pull up a tandem stream and watch the game together,” 

You scratched the back of your neck, as the screen shifted to a wide shot of warmups. “Like a Skype?” 

“There’s a program,” Lindsey shrugged, and the camera shifted as she grabbed what you assumed was her computer. “I can send you a link,” 

You squinted at the phone, glancing back up at your television. There were still 20 minutes before the game. 

“How did you know what room I was in?” You asked, trying not to focus on how attractive the way Lindsey pulled her lip between her teeth was. How attractive the lines of her neck were. 

She looked up at you, her blue eyes burning through you even through the screen. 

“One of the equipment interns is a big fan,” She shrugged. “Cost me an autograph, but she was willing to help,” 

You couldn’t help the way your lips lifted as you shook your head. “Becca isn’t a fan, but her girlfriend Chloe is,” 

“Ah, I see,” Lindsey hummed, and it felt like old times again. It sent butterflies fluttering in your chest and dread pulsing through your stomach. “I found the link, I’ll send it to you,” 

It reminded you that you couldn’t trust her. That she would only hurt you because you were her secret. You just didn’t understand why she wanted to connect with you here. 

Why she was trying so hard when she would just reject you again anyway. 

“Why are you doing this?” You asked her suddenly. 

She blinked back towards you. “Doing what?”

“Pretending like you care,” You shrugged, picking at a loose thread on your shorts, looking away from your phone. “You don’t have to put in the effort because you feel guilty or whatever. I don’t blame you for this,” 

You held your still gauze-covered hand up so she could see it. 

She frowned, holding your gaze. “I’m not doing this because I feel guilty, and I’m not pretending,” 

“Then why?” 

“I…,” Red colored her cheeks and she swallowed her, but she didn’t look away from you like you expected her to. “I’ve had feelings for you for a very long time. You are my soulmate, and I have a lot of making up to do. I know that in-person stuff is probably overwhelming, so I thought this was a good compromise,” 

You stared at her like she had grown an extra head. 

She actually listened to what you told her and then thought about it. For the first time, she was taking your feelings into account, instead of barreling through them. 

It was so…weird. 

Of course, she had always been thoughtful, but never about your boundaries. She had always stubbornly edged her way past the very few that there were, and you let her because you wanted her to. 

And it was frustrating because you couldn’t read her emotions through the phone. You didn’t want to do whatever this was on a screen. 

“The stream will be a little grainy, but it’ll work,” she cleared her throat. “I just sent it to you,” 

You sighed but pulled out your laptop and opened the link she sent you. She was right, it was grainy, especially compared to the stream you had going on the television. 

“This is stupid,” You said as the stream glitched. “Where are you?” 

“Um, the conference room,” Lindsey muttered, scratching the back of her neck. “Why?”

You sucked your lip between your teeth, biting down bone too gently, hoping that the little sting would help you think. That it would help you focus. 

Were you ready to see her in person? Probably not, but when had you ever been ready for Lindsey? 

You were almost there. 

And a FaceTime, when no one knew, was too reminiscent of the way things had been. It felt too secretive. Too… hidden. 

“I'm coming down,” You said, deciding in an instant that if you were going to do this, you weren’t going to be her secret. If you were going to do this, if she was going to prove that things would be different, then she was going to have to do it in public where people could see you. “Watching soccer through a screen sucks when the stadium is only like 3 minutes away,” 

She froze, her mouth opening and closing a few times as you slipped off of the bed and pulled on a pair of slides (laces were still a bitch when you couldn’t move your dominant hand). 

It was cool enough out that you wouldn’t look out of place in your sweats, so you slid your room key and your wallet into your pocket before heading out the door. 

“You don’t have to,” She mumbled, running a hand through her hair as the door slammed behind you. “I don’t want you to feel pressured,” 

You glanced at the screen. “I don’t. I just…,” 

You let out a long breath, trying to figure out how to explain it to her. 

“This feels too much like when we watched the premier leagues finals together on FaceTime because Arod gave me a concussion when we played against Utah,” You said, using your back to push through the door that separated the hallway and the stairway. 

It was an unfortunate accident that kept you off the national team roster for the SheBelieves Cup, but that hadn’t stopped you and Lindsey from watching the Arsenal vs. Barça game. 

You had opened your apartment door to find soup waiting for you instead of coffee, and a little note that felt so similar. It was perfect, until Emily interrupted your date, and suddenly you were just Lindsey’s friend again. 

You swallowed, looking away from the phone as you descended down the steps. “I don’t want things to be like they were before,” 

Everyone was in agreement that you couldn’t go back to the way things were. It would kill you more than the soulmate sickness already was. 

You would be past the point of no return if you weren’t there already. 

She paused on the other end of the phone, a very serious look crossing her features. 

“I don’t either,” She said, her eyebrows furrowing the same way they did in the locker room when she figured out how to break through the other team's defense. “I know you hated the notes, but what I said in them was true. I choose you, and I’ll do whatever I need to prove it to you,”  

You sighed but didn’t argue back, pausing on the landing between the 2nd floor and the 1st. 

There was no point anyway. Now with Lindsey so… stubbornly determined. 

“Meet me in the lobby,” You breathed out, not giving her a chance to say anything before you hung up. 

Your heart beat erratically in your chest, and you gripped the railing, trying to calm the storm of butterflies and ice fighting in your stomach. 

You sucked in a deep breath through your nose, counting to four in your head before blowing it out for eight, repeating the cycle until the gray edges of your vision returned. 

A simple phrase shouldn’t set you so on edge. 

You shouldn’t care so much about meaningless words. 

You dropped your head, resting it against the cool wall of the stairwell. 

It was ok that you cared, you reminded yourself. You could hear Clarke’s words in your head. It was normal, natural to have feelings. 

You let out another long breath, debating on leaving Lindsey waiting for you in the lobby and running back up to your room. 

But you couldn’t. 

That would be cruel, and you should at least put up as much effort as Lindsey was. 

Nothing would be resolved if you didn’t, and you couldn’t live in limbo for forever, no matter how much your anxiety said you could. 

While seeing Lindsey in person was a terrifying prospect, it was a step you needed to take. Not for her, but for yourself. 

You didn’t need her to choose you, because you were choosing yourself. And you wouldn’t let fear rule you. 

You wouldn’t let resignation either. 

Tobin was right, you deserved to let yourself have 5 seconds of bravery. 

******

You stared out at the crowd at Providence park, spotted with red and roses and little flecks of pink from the fans who had followed you from LA. 

It was a sight you knew would never get old, even if it sent a little pang through your chest now. 

You remembered the last time you had sat in this box, it was so… different. 

Everything in your universe was falling apart, and you were convinced no one cared. It was the last game of the season, and all you could think about was escaping. Running away to a country where even Emily and Tobin couldn’t hunt you down. 

Now though, here you sat staring at the glinting of the fans in the stadium like it was the light at the end of a tunnel. 

You just hoped it wasn’t a train. 

“It’s kinda weird,” You mumbled, leaning forward and resting both of your elbows on the edge of the box. 

It made you feel almost nostalgic. 

“Hmm?” Lindsey hummed from two seats away from you, her eyes never leaving the field. 

She had been strangely…normal with you since you met her in the lobby. Her smile had been shy, and you did your best not to stare at the little sliver of skin above the low-hanging waist of her sweatpants. 

She held the door for you when you came in the back entrance of the stadium and made small talk all through the 3-minute walk. 

It set you at ease and that fucking terrified you. 

“The last time I was up here, Tobin scored a hatty and now everyone is booing her,” You said, your eyes following the winger as she slid a ball in to Christen, and your nose scrunching when Bixby barely made the save. 

Lindsey snorted, and shook her head, clearly remembering the game you were talking about. “That was a rough game for the Spirit. Rosie was pissed,” 

Your lips tilted up. 

Rosie had been so so spicy, especially during the second half of the game. With the frustration on her side, you couldn’t blame her. 

“Emily almost got a red card because she couldn’t stop her without fouling her,” 

Lindsey shook her head, mirroring your expression. “Rosie is a fucking pain in the ass to defend against,” 

Rosie was a magician on the ball, and even with the Thorns up by 4 in that game, she had been tearing the defense apart. 

“The worst,” You agreed, and a strange look crossed Lindsey’s face. 

“I don’t know if I’d go that far,” She picked at a string on her sweatpants, and your eyes zeroed in on the movement. “There were some definite sighs of relief when you weren’t on the roster,” 

It brought you back to where you were. To how… strained things between you and Lindsey were. 

To how it was all your fault. 

She said that she didn’t pity you, but you didn’t believe her. 

The only reason she was doing any of this was because she felt guilty. Your friends had turned against her, and the only way for them to forgive her was for her to try to fix it with you. 

And you were too pathetic to even give her a real chance. 

“I guess I’m a pain in the ass in a lot of ways, huh?”

Her head snapped at the self-deprecating comment, one that she knew stretched much deeper than your soccer-playing ability. 

She knew it wasn’t the perfect time to bring up heavy things, but she couldn’t let the moment pass. 

“You’re not,” Lindsey said vehemently, reaching across the empty seat between you to catch your non injured hand and tangle your fingers together. “I hurt you. You are allowed to process that however, you need to do that. I love you and I will do whatever I can to show you that and to earn my shot with you. I wasted my first one, but I will not waste the second one. I’m so sorry that I hurt you.” 

It was everything you ever wanted her to say. What you had dreamed about her saying for years. It made you feel tingly all over and you were sure that you were blushing. It helped to set you at ease and sent alarm bells ringing in your ears at the same time. 

You tore your eyes away from her, looking back out at the fans. 

Red banners fluttered around the crowd, mixing with the yellows and greens of the stadium like warning signs. 

Like the signs your subconscious had tried to show you the first time around. 

“Don’t,” You bit out, snatching your hand away, pushing yourself up from the stadium chair, and putting as much space between the two of you as you could in the cramped box. You ran your gauzed hand through your hair, ignoring the way it pulled uncomfortably at the strands. 

She paused, watching you with careful eyes like you were a wounded animal backed into a corner. 

“Don’t what?” She asked, keeping her voice level. 

The tone irritated you. 

It reminded you too much of Christen. 

You shook your head, climbing the steps of the box and stepping into the hallway. 

“Y/n wait,” Lindsey called after you. 

But you didn’t. You hung a left and headed off with no particular direction in mind, trusting your feet to take you to a spot you could breathe. 

“Y/n” she called again, her voice closer than it was, but you didn’t stop for her, hanging another right and a left down the maze of hallways. “Where are you going?” 

You didn’t answer. 

Her feet pounded the concrete floor as she raced to catch up with you, but you ignored it. 

You didn’t care if she followed you. 

“Y/n,” She caught your arm, pulling you to a stop and forcing you to look at her. “Don’t what?”

You looked up and met her burning blue eyes. “Don't say things you don’t mean because you think it’s what you’re supposed to do. You might not pity me, but you’re only trying to fix this because you feel guilty or whatever. You’re only saying you love me because you know what will happen if you don’t. I just,” 

You tore your eyes away, stepping as far from her as the small hallway would allow, your back landing heavily against the army-green wall. “I would rather let the hole in my chest kill me than have you pretending to feel things you don’t,” 

She stepped into your space, and you molded yourself against the cool brick. 

“I’m not pretending,” She said, leaning close to you, her eyes boring into yours with fire and passion, and honesty. “I love you Y/n. Not because Kelley sent me a photo or because the team hates me. I’ve been in love with you since we were 18. I was just too much of a coward to admit it. I have fucked this up so badly, I know, but how do I get it through your thick skull that there has never been a moment where I didn’t love you,” 

You swallowed hard, glancing over her shoulder towards the random staff lingering. 

She followed your gaze before all of her attention was back on you. “And this time, I don’t care who knows. You’re my soulmate,” 

And there it was, the moment you had been waiting for since you opened your eyes to see her childhood playground so many months ago. 

“I love you too,” 

The words fell shakily from your lips. A shuttering promise, filled with devotion and heaviness. 

An unspoken Always passed between you. 

“I know,” She nodded once, stepping back from your personal space, and straightening her Office t-shirt. Though she didn’t drop your hand. “Do you wanna watch the rest of the game?”

You swallowed again. “Yeah,” 

Her smile turned shy as she began to lead you back toward the box to watch the rest of the game. “And maybe we can do a movie night or something after?” 

You squeezed her hand in three slow pulses, hoping to slow your racing heart. “Maybe,” 

You didn’t necessarily trust her, but you also weren’t ready for the night to end yet. 

It was a dangerous idea, but the ache in your chest made you hesitant to leave Lindsey. Hesitant to deny her. 

You wouldn’t have to decide until the end of the game anyway. 

******

As it turned out, making the decision to go with Lindsey back to the hotel after the game was… easier than you’d like to admit. 

Just being with her made the lingering throb in your chest ease. It neutralized the burning acid in your stomach and slowly started to thaw the ice in your veins.

The feeling was addictive and so much stronger than the ones you got from the dreams. 

It terrified you, but you were unwilling to stop yet. 

It was like she was a campfire. You needed to be close to her warmth, but you knew too much exposure would leave you smelling like smoke. That getting too close would burn you. 

It was why you had been so hesitant to see her in person. 

You knew you wouldn’t be able to deny her. 

You had never been able to deny her. 

But being with her this time felt distinctly different. 

She held your hand throughout the rest of the game, and on the walk back to the hotel. She hadn’t let go until you used the little key card to scan into your room. 

She had taken the double bed that you hadn’t used as you cued up an old USMNT game, kicking her shoes off and settling against the pillows. 

It just felt… odd to have so much space between the two of you, even if you were slightly grateful for it. And while you appreciated Lindsey trying to respect a boundary she was unsure of, it felt… forced. 

You looked away from the screen, and towards Lindsey, your hands opening and closing several times trying to figure out where you were supposed to sit. 

You had 2 options. 

You could either sit beside her on the extra bed, or across from her on the one you had already used. 

While sitting on your bed would give you the solace of not having to fight your instincts, just the idea of sitting with her was making the hole in your chest crackle with the possibility of relief. It was like holding water out to a person trapped in the desert. Like a life raft floating inches from a drowning man. 

She made eye contact with you, gently patting the space beside her, seemingly seeing your struggle. “I won’t bite. I won’t even cuddle you if you don’t want me to. We’re doing this at your pace,” 

You slowly stepped towards her, settling next to her on the bed. You slowly leaned back on the pillows, dangerously close to her arm.

She kept her word and didn’t move a muscle, even as you wiggled beside her trying to get comfortable. 

You sighed, closing your eyes as Alexie Lala’s voice droned on about things you didn’t care about, trying not to think about how warm Lindsey was. 

You took three deep breaths, making your choice. You were going to have to be the one to make the first move. 

You pushed your doubt from your mind and slowly moved your hand towards the best radiating from Lindsey. Your fingers gently descended her arm until you met her hand, and you wound your fingers together. 

Lindsey welcomed the touch, and you shouldn’t have been surprised since you had been holding hands all night, but you were. 

It should have scared you how perfectly the two of you fit together, but it didn’t. 

You had always fit together perfectly. Maybe that was why you were soulmates. 

She squeezed your fingers and shifted so her shoulder could be a more comfortable pillow for your head. 

“Comfy?” She asked when you wiggled again, pressing more tightly against her as you got cozy. 

You hummed, opening your eyes to look at the game on the screen. 

She brought your intertwined hands up and kissed the back of yours. “Good,” 

You both settled into a comfortable silence as the men’s team took the field. 

It reminded you of the thousands of nights the two of you had spent together before, but it didn’t fill you with a sense of dread that it had not too long ago. It didn’t make you feel dirty. 

It was impossible for it to when Lindsey’s warmth was leaching into your skin, melting the edges of the ice that encased your chest. 

The fingers of her free hand gently traced up and down your forearm, barely brushing the gray line on the inside of your elbow every few laps. 

You wondered if she knew that the simple contact sent singles up your arm. Or if she knew that physical touch was the only way to cure the effects of soulmate sickness. 

“Do they hurt?” She asked you as Jamaica cleared the ball and the men’s team stepped up to take a throw-in. 

You blinked, once, twice processing the gentle question. 

“Those don’t anymore. They’re healed,” You said slowly as her finger traced the gray line up past your elbow. “The doc says that the lines will never completely go away through,” 

It got a bit darker as it ascended your arm, but it was nothing compared to the bubbling black it had been. The lines would fade a bit more until they were little more than raised silver skin like any other scar, it would just take time. 

“The others?” Lindsey’s voice was barely above a whisper, as she traced slightly higher up your arm, towards your shoulder. 

You shook your head. “Not as bad as it used to be. The meds help, and…,” You swallowed hard. “And not seeing him with you helps too,”

You felt Lindsey nod, and it went quiet again for another long second. 

“Can I see it?” 

Her voice stayed soft and hesitant, and you fought to keep yourself from going rigid. 

It was a hard thing to explain, that letting people see the still deep purple mark on your chest. That letting Lindsey see it was more intimate than almost anything the two of you had ever done. 

Doing it in dreams was so different than letting her see it in real life. 

And you weren’t really sure how you felt about that. 

You also weren’t sure how you felt about being alone with Lindsey in just a sports bra and shorts. 

“You’ve already seen it,” You mumbled stiffly. 

“I know,” Lindsey agreed, taking a long pause like she was choosing her words carefully. “I just… Can I see it for real?”

You let out a long breath through your nose because you understood the need to see it in real life. 

You didn’t trust the dreams either, but did you trust Lindsey enough to let her see?

You wondered what Clarke would say. What her advice would be? 

It would probably be some shit about following your feelings.

You let out another long breath. 

“Ok,” You whispered, your voice sounding more unsure than you wanted to show. 

“Ok,” Lindsey repeated, squeezing your hand once, before letting go. 

It was a long second before you sat up, carefully scooting away from her and turning so you were facing her. She pulled her feet up so she was sitting criss cross and shuffled forward so your knees were touching. 

Your eyes met hers. The blue in them seemed to smolder as they stared into yours, and for the first time in a very long time, nerves bubbled in your stomach. 

You carefully pulled your shirt over your head, revealing the dark bruise that still sat right above your heart, and the receding spider web of veins that sprouted out from it. 

Lindsey’s eyes remained locked with yours until you nodded once, giving her consent to look. It was only then that they trailed down your face, and towards the network of gray and purple that dotted the skin of your neck, deepening as it approached the space right above your heart. 

Her lip disappeared between her teeth as she finally landed on the epicenter of your pain. 

“Can I?” She asked, lifting her hand, but not touching you. 

You swallowed the lump in your throat, but nodded once again, having already expected the request. 

She nodded again, and very slowly extended her arm. 

Her hand was warm as it landed on your shoulder, very gently touching the graying lines near your neck. Even the gentle press had a shudder running down your spine and goosebumps appearing up and down your arms. 

“Good?” Lindsey asked, her eyes darting back up to yours. 

You nodded stiffly. “Good,” 

She hummed, dragging her hand down the graying line towards the black mark above your heart. 

She flattened her palm against it, and it was like a lantern in the dark. Like an instant balm for the ever-present sting that accompanied each heartbeat. 

You were sure she could feel how fast it was beating, like a runaway freight train threatening to explode out of your chest. 

You shivered at the feeling, so much more potent than it was in the dreams. 

It tingled and burned and filled you with a sense that everything was going to be ok (even if the rational part of your brain knew everything was so far from it), but it was different because this time, it was real. 

“What does it feel like?” 

“Hm?” You blinked up at her, realizing that your faces were merely inches apart. 

Her eyes lifted from the little lines slowly receding on your chest to meet yours again. “I feel the warmth in my hand, but what does it feel like for you?” 

“It’s hard to explain,” You said, squinting, your tongue poking from between your teeth. “It’s like a lantern lighting a dark abyss. Like a warm cup of tea after a freezing rain game,” 

She nodded once, looking away from you and back towards the web of black on your chest. “I’m sorry I did this,” 

“I know,” You smiled gently at her. “I forgive you,” 

The truth was that you had forgiven her long ago, even if you didn’t trust her. 

Her head bobbed in time with her throat. “I just felt like I needed to say it again. I was just so in my head that I wasn’t letting myself feel,” 

Your lips turned down, and your eyebrows furrowed. “And what do you feel?”

Her eyes flicked up to meet yours, shy and hesitant. “I feel like I want to kiss you,” 

You tilted your chin so your lips were centimeters apart. “What’s stopping you?” 

She sighed softly. “We’re doing this at your pace, and I don’t want to push you. You should be able to forgive me in your own time, without outside pressure from me,” 

You felt more warmth bloom in your chest, spreading from the point the two of you were touching, all the way up to your ears. 

It filled you with fondness and… love. It made you feel like she cared, and you wanted so badly to believe that she did. 

And maybe this time you did believe her. 

Trust would take time to earn, and for the first time in a very long time, you were willing to give her the chance to earn it. 

This time you had the power to change the ending. 

“Kiss me,” You murmured.

She leaned in the rest of the way, and your eyes slid closed as her lips pressed very gently into yours. 

It was different than the kisses you had shared before, more reminiscent of the ones between you in France before the world of expectations and responsibilities had been placed on your shoulders. 

It was softer, more hesitant, but passionate nonetheless. 

You saw fireworks behind your eyelids and all your nerves stood on end. Your lips fit perfectly together, moving in a dance that only they knew. 

It was everything you had ever wanted and more, and it was everything you wanted for the rest of your life. 

Things weren’t perfect between the two of you. You both had scars and pain and things that you needed to solve with each other, but you knew that they would heal. Together you would be able to move past your past and make your future solid. Together you would figure it out. You would make it, together, interwoven for all eternity. 

Always

#uswnt imagine #uswnt imagines #uswnt x reader #lindsey horan imagine #lindsey horan x reader #my 20000 word soulmate fic

[lu-vin-it]

Balance

── ⋅⋅⋅ ────꒰ ୨ ♡ ୧ ꒱───────

Summary: You’ve never cared much for James Potter, but the universe knows best, right?

Pairings: James Potter x Reader, Cindy Hawthorn (oc) x Marlene Mcinnon

Pronouns used: None mentioned

Word Count: 2,403

Warnings: R and R’s friends are kinda mean to James at first.

A/N: Thank you to @lemkay-luminary for proofreading! Ily!!!

They say you don’t actually live until you meet your soulmate, that the day you finally touch them for the first time the world stops and you magically start living. They say that before you’re on autopilot. You weren’t sure how much you believed that. You hadn’t met your soulmate yet, but you thought you lived a pretty full life.

You had a close group of friends— Cindy Hawthorn from Slytherin, Zachary Jones from Hufflepuff, and Michael Perez from Slytherin— you were in Ravenclaw just like your Mother, you were a prefect,you got mostly perfect grades. So how could you have not lived?

James was the opposite. He did every crazy thing he could think of to prove himself wrong, he wanted to believe his life was perfect as is, but it never worked. He knew he wasn’t living without his soulmate, he could feel it.

He had Sirius, Remus,Peter, Lily, Dorcas, Marlene, and Mary. He had a great set of parents, plenty of money, made fine grades and he was head boy. He had what seemed to be the perfect life, but he knew it was far from.

As a prefect, one of your duties this year was to help plan the winter ball. You were ecstatic, the winter ball was one of your favorite things ever.

You sat with Mike as usual at the prefect meeting. Mrs. Mcgonagall sat with James Potter and Lily Evans on either side of her, head boy and head girl. You hadn’t really ever talked to either one of them, the only class you had with them was astronomy and most slept during astronomy.

Though, you had an opinion on James Potter, who didn’t? Most people loved him, somehow finding him charming. You personally saw him as a childish boy disguised as a man.

You and the other Ravenclaw prefect, Eric Jonesy, were in charge of food. That was your favorite job since you got to taste everything the elves made to make sure it was good, and it always was. When you heard your name called, you gave Jonesy a polite smile, and he did the same.

“Well, I’d better go talk to Eugenia, how we’re to find music I’ve got no clue.” Mike says to you, standing up as the meeting ends.

“That’s fine, I’ve got to talk to Jonesy about snacks anyways. See you at breakfast?” He nods and salutes you as he walks away. You grab your bag and approach Jonesy. “Hey, do you have an idea on when we should talk about the snacks?”

“Oh hi L/N! Erm.. Are you going to the quidditch game on Saturday?” You scrunch up your face and shake your head. “Perfect me neither, would you like to meet up at twelve in the common room then?”

“That works for me. See you then.” You smile and wave before walking off. When you exit the meeting room, a boy runs into you, knocking you to the floor. You look up to see Sirius Black on the floor in front of you.

“I’m sorry!” You narrow your eyes at him.

“It’s past curfew, Black, what are you doing here?” I stand up and he follows soon after.

“Waiting for James.” You roll your eyes.

“Five points from Gryffindor. He’s inside.”

He grins. “Thank you!” He goes to hug you and you place your hand on his chest.

“Don’t push it.” With that, you walk off.

The next morning, you and Mike meet up with Zach, Cindy, and Cindy’s girlfriend, Marlene, in the great hall.

“Morning all!” You say, sliding onto the bench.

“Morning.” They chorus.

“How’d the prefect meeting go? Heard you took some points from us.” Marlene asks, taking a bite of her grits.

“It went well, I’m in charge of the food for the ball!” You smile proudly. “And yes, Sirius Black seemed to think that waiting outside a room full of prefects after curfew was a good idea.”

She rolls her eyes.“Course he did.” She turns to her girlfriend and smiles. “We’re going to the ball together right?” Cindy nods.

“I thought that was implied.” She says with a small laugh. Zach fake gags from beside her.

“I miss my best friend.” He says dramatically.

“I’m right here dumbass.” Cindy snorts, moving her blonde hair behind her shoulders.

“No you’re not. You’re on Marlene island. And you didn’t even get a ticket back.” She deadpans.

“Are you serious right now? I’m going to act just like this when you meet your soulmate and want to spend every second with her.” Zach grimaces. Mike wraps his arm around you.

“At least I have my stand-in soulmate still.” You smile and shake your head. Mike has been calling you that since you were 11 and witnessed two soulmates meeting for the first time.

“Agreed.” Zach opens his mouth to retort but is interrupted by four boys approaching you all. It’s James Potter, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, and Peter Pettigrew. You sit up straighter. “Can we help you boys?”

“Heard you took points from Gryffindor last night. I asked Sirius to wait there for me so I’d like them back, thank you.” James replies.

“Does Mcgonagall know you, the head boy, are letting fellow classmates— not to mention your best friend— get away with being out past curfew?” No response. “You’re lucky I only took five. I could’ve taken ten. Fifteen even. And, Black, you’re lucky I didn’t give you detention.”

“Oh. Yeah thanks for that.”

“I would’ve revoked it anyways.” James murmurs.

“Dumbledore must have been feeling funny when he appointed you head boy.” You shake your head and start eating breakfast.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means that you’ve done nothing to actually deserve the honor of head boy. You’ve had more write ups than I can count on my fingers. Everyone else is just too blind to see.” Mike replies for you. “I mean, come on now, you barely even passed potions last year.”

“It’s a hard subject!” Mike rolls his eyes. “What have you all got against me anyways? Are you jealous?”

Zach turns around. “Potter, what could we possibly be jealous of? You didn’t even win the quidditch cup last year.”

“That’s because your beaters hit a bludger at him!” Sirius replied.

“Maybe that’s because that’s what they’re supposed to do?”

“If you all have some sort of problem with James, just say it.”

“I have a problem with James.” Zach and Cindy chime.

“I have a problem with James. Wow, that was actually really clarifying, thank you Sirius.” Mike says with a shit eating grin.

“I have no issue with James. I’ve got issues with rule breaking.”

“You must be fun at parties.” James says with a snort.

“I am actually.. when I’m not on duty. That’s the difference between you and me, I know when things have gone too far.”

“What are you talking about? I know when things are too far!”

“Really? Like in fifth year when you publicly humiliated Snape? That wasn’t too far?”

“I was fifteen!”

“So was Snape! You never even apologized.”

“What, so you don’t like me because of something I did two years ago?”

“Yes.. and the fact that you don’t seem a bit sorry for it, or any other prank you have ever pulled on anyone. James, don’t take it personally, I’m sure you just forgot or didn’t realize. At least I hope so.” You stand up, grabbing your things. “I’m off to class. Have a wonderful day.” You turn to your friends. “Whose common room are we meeting in later?”

“Yours!” Zach yells. He always preferred the Ravenclaw common room to his own. Especially since it’s a tower and, in his words, ‘The perfect landing pad’. He would open a window from the outside on his broom, and fly in.

“Alright. See you all then.” With that, you walk off.

The rest of the day goes by smoothly, your classes are great, seeing your friends is great, and you only had one more class. Astronomy. You were able to sneak in a small nap before heading up to the tower.

You don’t bother standing with anyone else, you’re far too tired to socialize. However, when James Potter walks in and sees you, he immediately goes to stand beside you.

“Evening, L/N!”

You deadpan. “It’s midnight.”

“How was your day?”

You glare at him.

“Sleepy?”

No response.

“Fair. I’m quite tired myself. Head boy duties, you wouldn’t get it.”

“Shut up, please, for the love of Merlin, shut up.” You beg, stepping away from him.

“Wait—“ James reaches out and grabs your hand. Before you can realize it, everyone suddenly stops, it’s like you're frozen in James’ grip.

“What the hell?” You whisper, looking around at your frozen classmates. You glance at your wrist and finally realize that James is touching you. For the first time.

“You’re my soulmate.” He says, with the biggest grin you’ve ever seen in your life. You stare at him astonished.

“What the hell?” You repeat. You pull your wrist out of his grip and everyone starts moving again. “We will talk about this later.” You walk off, leaving the tower, completely disregarding the professor yelling at you.

Your first thought is to go get Mike, but you knew he was asleep, he was always in bed at 8 PM on days he didn’t have Astronomy. So instead you just went to your room, and slept.

The next morning, you’re woken by someone pounding on your door. You groggily get up and answer, no one should be there this early on a Saturday.

“What?” It’s Mike, grinning at you knowingly.

“James Potter is your soulmate?”

You groan. “How did you find out? It happened at 12 last night, do you have a mic on me or something?” You shake your head and let him in, closing the door behind him and then collapsing on your bed.

“I know everything. How are you feeling about it?”

“Out of all the people in the world, it had to be him? He’s so.. childish.”

“And you’re pretty uptight.”You look at him in shock. “It’s the truth! You are! I say it out of love, you know that. Opposites do attract, maybe you and Potter will be really good together.”

“Maybe.”

“How did he react?”

“He was pretty happy. I just brushed him off like he was nothing. Merlin.. what kind of soulmate am I?” You rub your face. “I have to go talk to him huh?”

“Yeah.” He pauses. “I know I’ve never liked him, but I think you guys will be great together. You have to be. Look at this as a good thing, will you?”

“I’ll try.”

“Okay, now get out of bed, and go talk to your soulmate. I’ve got to high five the entire student body.”

You laugh. “Use hand sanitizer.” He nods before leaving. You sigh, looking up at the ceiling wondering if James would even want to talk to you after last night.

After getting up and dressed, you go to the Gryffindor common room, asking the Fat Lady for him. You waited for five minutes, until the portrait opened and Remus Lupin walked out. He gave you a polite smile.

“Is James in there?”

“Er.. yeah. I should warn you, Sirius set up a prank in the common room. There’s a trip-wire at the end of the tunnel, don’t touch it and you’ll be fine.” You nod.

“Thanks.”

“You’re welcome.. And, for the record, James is happy it’s you.” He leans into the portrait and whispers the password, letting you in when it opens. You walk down the tunnel, hesitating, you are able to spot the trip wire and step over it.

It’s easy to find his dorm, “HEADBOY” is carved right above the door. You knock as soon as you get there so that you don’t overthink it and leave.

“One moment!” James calls out. You find yourself smiling at the sound of his voice. You can hear shuffling on the other side of the door before it finally opens and James meets your eyes. “Y/N!”

“Hi James. Can I come in?” He quickly nods and moves out of your way. His dorm is big, there’s a full sized bed, a couch, a few bookshelves, a desk, and two wardrobes. “You have a nice dorm..”

“Thank you! Perks of being Headboy I suppose.” You sit down on the couch and he quickly sits beside you.

“I apologize for running off last night.”

“It’s okay, I understand.”

“I shouldn’t have done that. I don’t know why I did that. I’m sorry.”

“Y/N, it’s okay. I understand that you were shocked.” You shake your head.

“More than shocked. We’re complete opposites, James. I was scared, I am scared.”

“Of what?”

“Of us hating each other!”

“Why would we hate each other?” You sigh.

“Because! You’re so.. loose. You’re brave. You’re the most Gryffindor-y person I’ve ever met. And I am not that. I am quiet, I’d do anything to stay out of trouble, I hate being in trouble. Meanwhile trouble seems to follow you wherever you go!” James just stares at you. “I don’t know how you could ever possibly be happy with someone like me.” You admit quietly.

“How could I not be?” He immediately replies. “You’re like sunshine. I’ve never seen you do anything other than laugh. You’re responsible, and I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I could probably do with being a little moreresponsible myself. If anything, you’re perfect for me. I’m perfect for you. We balance each other out. You have half of my soul, don’t ignore that, please.” You stare at him for a second, trying to form a response. Instead you just grab his face and kiss him.

When you pull away from the kiss, James smiles at you.

“Don’t.” You say, glaring at him.

“What? I didn’t even say anything.”

“You were thinking.”

“I do that a lot.”

“Poor brain.”

“You like me.”

“Hush.”

“You kissed me!”

“Shut up!”

“You fancy me!” You hit his shoulder playfully as you start to smile too.

“You kissed me back, you must fancy me too.”

“You caught me.” He leans in and kisses you again.

As you sat there with James, you realized that even though the relationship would definitely have its issues it was worth it.

── ⋅⋅⋅ ────꒰ ୨ ♡ ୧ ꒱───────

Taglist— @artvoyager

#james potter x reader #james potter fanfiction #james potter x you #harry potter x reader #sirius black x reader

[yourfatherlucifer]

You Smell Divine (PSH/JWY)

Fallen Angel!Seonghwa x Afab!Reader x Gumiho!Wooyoung

Warnings: "Baby I'm Preying On You Tonight, Hunt You Down, Eat You Alive, Just Like Animals."

Warnings: MDNI, cuckolding, voyeurism, biting, tail pulling, dom!wooyoung, superhuman stamina, , mischievous woo, superhuman speed, superhuman smell

AU: supernatural

Genre: Smut

WC: 1.4k

Rating: R

Taglist: @k-hotchoisan @wooyoungqueen @stardragongalaxy @min-inu @staytinyville

Nets: @cromernet @kflixnet @cultofdionysusnet @k-labels @pirateeznet @wonderlandnet @monsterfvckersunited

Thanks @wooyoungqueen for the ideas! Hope you enjoy my first Wooyoung fic! <3

part one | part two

"When's the last time you cleaned up this place, Seonghwa? It looks abandoned." You were standing in front of a very dirty looking cabin in the woods.

Seonghwa scoffed as if he was offended, "First of all, rude. The inside is very clean and maintained, this is where I resided before I met you and fell."

"Besides, you'll love it, Y/N." Seonghwa grabbed your hand and brought you inside, he wasn't wrong either. The inside was very well organized, not a spot of dirt on site.

You could smell some kind of cinnamon with vanilla, and several candles lined the living area. He had flowers on the floor, Seonghwa must have put in an effort to make it romantic for you. 

A smile plastered on your face, "What is all of this for?" 

"Its for you, to celebrate our love, because I am happy to meet you." He wrapped his hands around your waist, smiling with such loving eyes. 

"Oh, Seonghwa." You brought your lips to his.

Seonghwa brought you to the couch, but sitting down first so you could straddle his thighs. His hands wander up the inside of your shirt. You moaned when he cupped your breasts, then deepened the kiss. As you ground your hips into his lap, an animalistic growl could be heard outside the front door. Seonghwa's wings shot out of his back and wrapped around you, in a protective manner. 

"Stay here." he quickly released you, his demeanor quickly changed into something sinister as he stared at the door. The growling only increased as if mocking whoever was on the other side of it. As you hid behind the couch, Seonghwa yanked open the door. 

"Wooyoung??" 

The growling ceased but then howling laughter replaced it, "Hi Seonghwa! It's been awhile since I last smelled you here. I also smell something delicious~" 

Wooyoung popped his head over his elder friend's shoulder, "Oh! What's this? You got a girlfriend? Since when!" his friend rambled on, excited. 

You stood up, now curious, "Seonghwa, who is this?" 

Seonghwa facepalmed before throwing his head back. After inviting his hyperactive friend in, "This is Wooyoung, he's a gumiho, in other words, he's a fox spirit, guardian, nine-tailed fox, whatever." 

"Wooyoung, this is my girlfriend, Y/N." 

Wooyoung smiled, "Ah! You must be the one that made his wings go black then."

"I guess." You stepped back as he tried to grab your hands in his own. 

You could see a fluffy large tail sway behind him, and ears pop out of his head. 

He took notice of your staring, "Did you wanna touch them." He smiled, revealing his canines. 

Seonghwa smacked his friend on the back of the head, "Leave her alone, Woo." 

"Fi-" Wooyoung began sniffing the air like crazy, smelling something so sweet, it was overwhelming, his dick hardened immediately, "Don't tell me, were you two about to get down and dirty?" He smirked. 

Your face had reddened as you hid behind Seonghwa, "What are you on about Woo?" He said.

"I can smell her arousal, Hwa."

"Too bad, she's mine you fox." 

"Keep the attitude, Seonghwa and I'll eat her liver."

"You will do no such thing!"

"Fine, I won't do anything, just as long as I get to have a piece of her, but you get to watch only." Wooyoung stepped up to his elder, eyeing him with a sharp grin. 

Seonghwa tipped his head to the side, "Hm, alright, deal." 

"Y/N, bedroom, now." Seonghwa demanded. 

Your feet quickly dragged you down a hall and into a room on the left, somehow finding the bedroom, which you didn't know the location previously. 

There was a neat queen sized bed in the middle with white sheets, and a matching white recliner in the corner across from it. Marching your way to the bed, quickly sliding off your shirt and bottoms. 

You could hear the footsteps of both men walking down the hallway so you threw yourself up onto the bed. 

Wooyoung slipped into the room, the grin still on his face, "Oh? She's all ready for me!" 

Wooyoung practically ran over to the bed, pulling his shirt over his head. 

Seonghwa sighed, "Be careful with her, Wooyoung, or you'll be done for." He sat himself on the recliner, getting ready to enjoy the show. 

Wooyoung hovered over you, pressing his covered and hardened cock into you, "You feel that? Yeah, you feel my hard dick on you? You feel how you're making me feel?" He leaned down and growled into your ear, "fuck, you smell so delicious, in my centuries of being alive, never have I smelled something so divine."

While he was distracted whispering filthy words into your ears, you took that as an opportunity to reach behind him and grab his tail. He yelped in surprise, a lengthy but whiny moan followed after.  His strong demeanor falters for a second before returning back to a hard stare. 

"Oh-ho-ho, you really messed up." He growled again. Wooyoung flipped you onto your stomach, pulling down your underwear and laying a few smacks onto your bare ass before squeezing each cheek in his palms. 

"Ah! Wooyoung!" you yelled out.

Seonghwa was in the corner, palming his bulge.

Wooyoung shoved down his pants in a quick manner. 

"Should I even prepare you? You were so bad, I should really just shove my dick inside of you." 

"Wooyoung." Seonghwa warned. 

"Yeah, yeah." He waved him off. 

Wooyoung ran his fingers up and down your wet hole before pushing them in, "I'm gonna have so much fun with you."

You whined as you gripped the bedsheets, anticipating for what was to come, you wanted to look at Seonghwa, but knew this is what he wanted, he liked seeing you stuffed full of other  mens cock, preferably non-human cock. He really did love seeing you come undone for the supernatural.

Wooyoung bared his canines as he watched himself pump his fingers in and out of your aching cunt. He leaned down to bite your shoulder, seeing yet another bite mark, “What’s this?”

He pulled his fingers out of you and glared at the mark, “Seonghwa, you don’t have fangs, what happened?”

Wooyoung sat on his knees and turned back to look at him. 

Seonghwa sighed, getting aggravated his show was interrupted, “Demon. Now continue. I need to see her come undone more. Corrupt her. Now.” His eyebrow twitched. 

Wooyoung cackled like a hyena, unlike his fox persona, “Ooo, so demanding, spooky.” He wiggled his fingers at him. He turned his attention back to you who had your face in the pillow. 

Wooyoung yanks down his boxers, his reddened cock springing free, ‘Now this is what I am talking about.” He pulled your hips to him.

Rubbing his cock on your clit, “Get ready.”

He shoved his cock into your hole, moaning at the sensation of you squeezing around him, 

“Fuck~” His moans reached in pitch, creating such a delicious sound from him. 

His hips falter for just a second before creating a rough pace, slamming your hips into his. His speed reached inhuman heights. Seonghwa pumped his own cock from across the room, watching your fucked out face. 

Wooyoung flipped you back over, not pulling his cock out even for a second. He reached down for your lips, before he heard Seonghwa growl himself, “Don’t even dare, fox. I will kill you if you kiss her.”

“How’d you know?” He grinned evilly. 

“How’d I know you want to steal her vital energy? Because I am not stupid. Now fuck her like your life depends on it!” 

“You got it~” Wooyoung placed both hands on the sides of your head. His hips created bruises on yours by how fast he was going. You couldn’t even breathe for a second, “Please!” You cried out.

At this point tears were pouring down your cheeks, you had already orgasmed multiple times, wondering just how this man hadn’t himself.

Your arms wrapped around his back, your nails scratching down his back. He was enjoying the pain. “Feels that good, huh? I bet he can’t fuck you like this, can he?” Wooyoung whispered in your ear. 

“Maybe you should be with me~ I could give you everlasting pleasure, just give me your life.” 

Seonghwa could hear everything, despite what Wooyoung thought. He was tempted to throw him into the wall and teach him a lesson but he was too busy chasing his own release. 

Wooyoung leaned down to your breasts, licking them all over before pulling a nipple into his mouth, “I am so close, human.” 

You were too far gone to even respond, but could feel his warm cum spill into your walls, “Oh, fuck!” His hips stilled into yours. 

Seonghwa stood up, now pulling his friend off of you, “That's enough, I didn’t say you could release in her.” 

Wooyoung grinned, “Oops~”

#cromernet #cultofdionysusnet #k-labels #kflixnet #pirateeznet #wonderlandnet #ateez #ateez x reader #ateez smut #x reader #jung wooyoung #jung wooyoung smut #wooyoung smut #seonghwa smut #seonghwa x reader #park seonghwa