#the process of me finding images is very much like. either i have a vision in my head and i troll getty looking for it or my screenshots | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

mbti-notes · 5 months

Text

Anon wrote: Hello. I hope you are doing well. If possible, I would very much appreciate if you could assist me through assessing which type is more likely to be me. I have been pondering this matter for a while, and I suppose I have managed to narrow down my type to two possibilities: ISFJ and INFJ. I would like to believe that I am almost certain that about having Fe and Ti, and that my type might be the latter (INFJ). However, I wished to receive a distinct perspective from you, because I believe that it might still be possible for me to either have Si as a dominant function, or, the function order to be more different from what I had in mind, thus indicating other type that I had not put into consideration.

For more information, I am 19 years old, and I suspect having clinical depression, anxiety, and autism, as well as trauma and having issues involving difficulty recalling events in the past and lack of attention. Therefore, I believe that these factors could potentially alter the assessment.

Evidence for INFJ:

Introverted Intuition (Ni):

I feel ecstatic when I have a purpose, or something to strive for in my daily life. Ever since I was a child, that was manifested within me as a dream that I ought to achieve. There was an abstract image in my head, where I would be in a state that which not only mostly brought joy and fulfilment to myself, but to other people, too. I felt like I could contribute, somehow, and that I was meant for something rather important. I did not know through which means and processes I had to undergo, and to tell you the truth, that didn't seem to be important to me at the time. As long as I had the results that I wanted, all was well. I also remember me being eager to start working so that I could achieve whatever I had in mind at the time.

On the flip side, when I feel as if I do not know how to proceed without any guidance. I could not help but feel incredibly lost. I have been trying to find something that I can strive for and that is mostly fixed, that will not immediately be modified, because I feel uneasy at the prospect of having a goal that which has its uncertainties. This is why I no longer believe that my existence can be a significant addition to people's lives; they can leave me at any moment, for any reason.

I would like to say that I am able to synthesize information to discover interesting ideas and implications, although, I often felt that my visions hardly concretizes because they are engulfed in imagination. It feels as if my mind is “empty” and murky, and, due to the information I gained, I have a new guess that is seemingly based “out of nowhere”. An example to that would, perhaps, a couple of people that I have known of in an online platform (and it was an one-sided meeting, they likely didn't know anything about my existence. I had a gut feeling that something was very off about them, as well as their attitude. I have not seen people with such a type of behavior before. But, because I did not have any concrete evidence back then, it was just an assumption, and nothing more, so I brushed it off. Months passed, and it turned out that I was right; these two individuals were exposed as gross and despicable.

In general, I have difficulties to make decisions. I guess that, without any fixed values or support, it gets even difficult, because… what are you doing this for? Who are you doing this for? What's the meaning of it all? You are getting tired, and for who, or for what?

I think an example to that would be my studies. I have been needing to talk myself into not succumbing into sleeping and waking up early to review the subjects, because I don't see much purpose in doing that (even though I would find myself satisfied at the ending, for managing to succeed a goal).

I suppose another instance would be the fact that I practically gave up on making friendships in real life within educational settings. Why should I do that? It's not like we are going to keep contact after we are done with our exams. I have a hard time with initiating conversations because I struggle to find anything to talk about, and it is not uncommon for the other party to not reach out, either. Therefore, in most of the cases in my lifetime, this “friendship” is set up to fail due to seemingly mutual lack of interest.

I am always trying to visualize and predict how a situation will play, and, due to that, I end up rehearsing and preparing myself for when it eventually happens. It's as automatic as breathing; it's not something that I can just stop at will. I always try to foresee the “ideal” reactions that others will have at what I do or say, as well as the “ideal” place and time for that. This is why I do not tend to enjoy people who have an often an unpredictable personality, because they make me feel genuine dread. For such people, I take more time to try to guess how my interaction with them will go. Even then, I am not totally confident that the idea that I had in my mind may even become true. Perhaps I am a perfectionist who feels terrible when their ideals are not concretized. An example to that is when I manage to set a scenario in a conversation with people, and it concretizes almost flawlessly, with only a few tolerable changes, I get frustrated when someone or something, that I did not call for to be part of it, decides to interfere by inserting its existence in it, modifying it almost immediately.

As for controlling tendencies… I think I can relate to that, to some degree. My controlling urges manifest as a desire to “fix” something, to go in a different way. An instance would be when someone does something that I find “unacceptable” (even though their action is not really engulfed with ill intent). My initial thoughts are, “That's not how you should behave. That's not how it should go.” However, most of the time, I simply puts such thoughts aside because I know that I should not behave like that.

I suppose the quality of my life is determined by aspirations, yes, and whenever I could not follow them, as well as my ideals that I imposed on myself, I felt as if my life got progressively bad, in a sense. An example is when I wanted to be an artist (mostly for fun, although I did consider it as a possible career one time, only to be discouraged). When it reached a point where I could no longer draw due reasons like lack of motivation, lack of free time, and distaste towards my style, I decided to quit. I felt as if my days got more dull after taking such a decision.

I often find myself feeling as if nothing that I do has any significance — it does not help that I have decided to make nihilism a philosophical part of me, recently. Whenever I contemplate the thought of my future being uncertain, opaque, and not meeting my expectations, I suffer. I fear that the life of happiness and comfort with the people that I adore will never occur, and that I will be stuck in here, in eternal pain, unwanted and unneeded. When I contemplate the thought of not being able to afford a home of my own where I can not only be myself, but also, to be much more happier than I am, it brings a pain to my stomach. I failed at everything that I promised to myself, because my disabilities wouldn't allow me to be an “overachiever” anymore.

I can say that, while do I tend to not have an enjoyable time individuals who were described like that in the guide (“brash”, “shallow”, “fickle”, “narrow-minded”, etc), it should be said that I used to be like that, too. I recognize myself in these descriptions, and, as such, I don't dislike them as much. Still, I don't like to entertain the thought of being perceived as either shallow or narrow-minded, and I make conscious efforts to be not seen like that. My answer on this is twisted and contradictory.

In terms of feedback, one of the only things that would apply to me would be “vague”, “too serious”, “distant” and “unfun”. These were ones that were directly spoken to me, and that I remember.

I remember the fact that me being vague and biased led me to have troubles with my family; they wanted more precise information, not something that could be interpreted wrongly. Therefore, as a result, I forced myself to be as detailed, clear, and precise in my explanations as I could. But that's not something natural.

It is a pattern that I prefer living in my own head instead of being present in the reality. I was even called out on it, saying that not everything is “the perfect fantastic world of my room”, which is where I tend to be most of the time to engulf myself in my daydreaming and find comfort. The reason why such a phrase was associated with me is because, rather than allowing myself to learn essential life skills, I willingly let myself be trapped in my own bubble.

I look at my online friends enjoying themselves in whatever activity they are, and I cannot help bit want to be a part of it to some degree. However, rather than taking any initiative and trying to make new experiences myself, I fantasize about the scenarios of interactions in my head, I encounter me being amused with just their conversations.

As for unrealistic expectations, I suppose an example to that would be my tendency to think that I can still do the things that I used to do as a child, with little to no difficulty. I believe that my disabilities are not “that bad” and that “they won't interfere in my life”, and that I do not require support from other people. It's faulty and illogical, I am aware of that, but I still try to press on, thinking that I can still handle it.

In the same coin, I have also been having the proclivity to see my life as “over”. It's too late for me now, I wasted the opportunities I had. If only I had snatched the chances, if only I were not too fatigued to do such things, if only I had not fooled around during all this time… I shall have to endure the pain now. I doomed myself.

Now, onto my evidences for Se being an inferior function…

Extraverted Sensing (Se):

I appear to have troubles with impatience. When I am forced to stay away from my habitual environment to do something that requires either a lot of processing, or, being aware of my reality, I get restless and irritated, wanting to get over with it as soon as possible so that I can be left alone and/or resume whatever activity I was previously doing, frequently not considering the consequences and repercussions of having such a brash temperament. I guess such a tendency is another reason why I can often be blundering, and this is may be why I often make repeated mistakes.

Whenever I reach a breaking point, I simply need to be left alone, dwelling on the feeling. This has happened several times, where I would cry in front of people due to an undesired change (or an implication of a change) that, to others, did not mean much, but it meant a lot to me. I would feel myself paralyzed, static, unmoving, and almost silent. The intention is not to manipulate others in order to get attention and support. In fact, I do not want their comfort and sympathy at all! I simply wanted to dwell on that for a while, until I felt myself better to proceed. Ignore me and my existence. If you tried to support me, I would most likely not give it a heed, because the world around me is blurry.

I have a policy that, even though it does not work perfectly now, and I know how flawed it may seem, I still cannot seem to let go of it: “Work now, have fun later.”

As a child, I would often place focus on my work. The sooner I finished it, the sooner I could find myself relaxing and enjoying my free time. However, nowadays, I sense a reversion at play; whenever I try to focus on a task involving college, I suddenly decide, “No, this is getting tiring. I am going to listen to music/rest/scroll through social medias/talk to my friends.” And I don't seem to have notion of time passing, so, when the day ends, and I realize that I was not as productive as I wanted to be, I feel guilty, and sometimes even punish myself because of that. I recently decided to implement break sessions to my studies (because I have never had that). But, even then, when I am working, there is this urge to procrastinate even when it's within my study sessions.

Another example would be in this semester in my college. I was so fatigued and fed up with my studies, as well as issues related to my mental health, that I could not find will in myself to give attention to what my teacher was saying in regards to his subject. That was an occasion that was uncharacteristic of me, as I always tried to at least give my utmost focus to my classes and studies, since I appear to lack attention in almost every other area. Abruptly, I decided that I would do well conversing with my online friends in the middle of the lecture. It did not do much, though, as I still felt awful.

I also realized that I have the proclivity to only pay attention to my surroundings in order to complete a goal. Generally speaking, I tend to feel anxious whenever that happens. This is elaborated on my comment about my family calling me “vague”; I forcibly developed the ability to speak in great amounts of details because my explanations were seemingly lacking. On the days of exam, I always tend to quickly and desperately skim through my papers in order to refresh my mind of the details, because I know that it does not matter if I understand the general concept, there might be something in specific that I do not remember that is most likely going to be present in my tests. Other than that, I cannot bring myself to be fully present. The issues were already present even before I found out I often have depressive and dissociative episodes; I was (and I still am) often called out for not being attentive.

Onto the auxiliary…

Extraverted Feeling (Fe):

For example of resisting Fe, I have developed the habit of distancing myself from others whenever I feel as if my presence is not wanted or needed, I am not doing well, but I would rather not tell anyone and simply isolate myself, or that I did something that hurt someone I cared about (regardless of them confirming that directly). I also have been keep my relationships at an arm's length because I fear that, if I get too attached, in the long run, it is going to wound me even further should they leave me (or I decide to leave them, because they wronged me). Nevertheless, I still find myself craving for emotional intimacy, even though I also fear it.

I have a difficult time seeing people having differences and complexities of their own, specially when I see myself in them (or when we are too alike). An instance would be making a type of joke that I think the other person would find amusing because that is what I would find laughable. There have been occasions where I genuinely hurt people with my antics, and that I have not realized that I did that until it was too late. I was under the impression that we were having a good time, and that they were not taking it seriously. I was incorrect in that, however. I can hardly tell whenever I go too far with my jesting, so, because of that, I got into the habit of making little to no jokes, having a “humourless” demeanor in the process. That is something that I am trying to change, however, and I do make sure that the jokes, as unfunny as they may seem at times, are not harmful.

The greatest example that I can provide of overindulging Fe is silently allowing people who are close to me to unintentionally overstep boundaries that which I have established. They are a great addition to my life, and they contribute positively to my happiness. But, sometimes, they will do things that make me uncomfortable without meaning to. And, I quietly endure it whenever that happens, giving excuses to not remind them not to do that, because they are either going through an arduous time, or, the interaction that we are having is very entertaining and joyful… I don't want to ruin it — or make it worse, should they feel bad during the conversation — with my selfish reminders. I am too afraid of doing that, because it's not the right moment. I can certainly handle the discomfort; right now, they are more significant. Their thoughts on me are very important, and I wouldn't want them to think negatively of me in any manner. I often sacrifice my own needs and thoughts in order to meet theirs. I nod to some ideas that they have — reasonable ideas, of course, not those that could be extremely harmful — even though, many times, I don't initially agree with them, or have different thoughts because their concept is not what I had in mind. My values, opinions, and ideals, though seemingly rigid, commonly shift quickly when I meet a new person and I desire them to stay in my life. It's a chance to make a new friend, so, I often try to find common ground between my perspective and theirs, and if I have to change an opinion of mine for that, so be it. I am often dreadful that my friends might despise me in some manner, due to a wrongdoing that I may have done to them at some point. Because of that, in an eventful day, they decide to either leave me behind and cut ties with me, or, severely scrutinize me.

I am afraid that I am not sure if I can provide a great instance of “healthy Fe”. I actually believe that I am quite unhealthy. However, I will try.

In occasions where it is perceived that my Fe is healthier, I frequently give room for others to place their thoughts in situation first, before I say anything. Sometimes, I will even incorporate some of their takes and concepts into my belief system, sucking them like a sponge (although, I am aware that type of behavior can, too, be considered unhealthy). I will try to understand their side to the best of my capabilities. This means a lot for someone like me, who, admittedly, tends to be quite self-centered and does not often regard other people's views. This part of me got diminished over the years, however, due to me willfully wishing to change that. I have a more fair comprehension of people, holding a less partial nature, and being more respectful of their boundaries and wishes. I will do antics if it means I can put on a smile in another person's face.

Now, onto the next function…

Introverted Thinking (Ti):

For a moment, I thought I would be a thinking type because I have been shown to be logical-driven; I often put emphasis on reason, and on things that make sense. Yet, whenever my seemingly sound declarations are put into question, or, I sense that someone is judging me with a criticizing tone, I flinch in fear, because I cannot quite explain further than what I had planned to say. This logic is mostly performative, it is based by other people's reactions.

Whenever people would praise me, they would mention my “intelligence”. And, to tell you the truth, I was proud to know that. It basically went over my head. And, nowadays, being as self-deprecating as I am, I genuinely reached a point where I see being smart as my only redeemable trait, the only thing that I am actually positive about myself. If I am not even intellectually exceptional, then… I don't have anything to talk about myself as a person in a positive light.

I am a fairly emotional and sensitive person, and, like I previously said on a few occasions as while writing this, I am terribly self-centered. That combination is not great, because that would mean that I could not feel joy for a friend who was happy for something good happened to them, when I was suffering. I was mostly thinking about how I was feeling, and that I wanted the person to feel the same.

I learnt, though harshly, that having intense emotions to certain topics, as well as being as egotistical as I used to be, wouldn't do me good. People could take advantage of that, or get away from me. In situations where I would explode in anger during arguments (justifiably or not), such a reaction only made the situation worse on my end. So, I decided to try to supress my emotions at once, thus making myself appear detached to them, and emphasizing rationality. And, I could not see that not expressing them properly could be unhealthy in any manner. I often think how I am aware of my flaws and my wrongdoings, but, when it comes to emotions, I simply put them aside. “I don't get upset easily. What else do you want to know about it?”

I adopted the principle of being impartial to most topics unless I have a deep understanding on things, because “that is the most logical thing to do”, and, “I would rather not share my immediate opinion on something until I have enough information than to quickly form a view on something I may not be knowledgeable at all.” That's hasty, and we don't want to do that, my view may immediately and probably suffer change as I gain information, and in order to not be perceived as someone who modifies their thoughts in the blink of an eye, I would rather just watch and see. Until I have fully comprehended it, I will not speak at all. I would take it to such an extreme that I often disregard my initial feelings on the matter in other to be as neutral as I can.

I have this desire of being as accurate in my judgment as I can, not only in order to make me proud, but in order to please others, too. The more precise, the better, is what I tend to think, because it is more efficient and brings more satisfying results in this manner, even if it may be energetically draining at times.

Now, here is my argument for why ISFJ could be plausible.

Evidence for ISFJ:

Introverted Sensing (Si):

I often feel comfortable when something in the concrete world happens exactly as I expected it to happen, and I get immediately thrown off by sudden changes. When I don't know what to do in a new situation that which is unlike anything I have ever experienced, I almost immediately find myself shaking. An example to that would be the time where I had to take the train to go to a course of mine from a different track by myself. I was feeling quite desperate, because I did not know that, regardless of which track it could take, such a vehicle would lead you to the same path. This information never came to me about that because it was assumed that I already knew of such a thing.

I am not certain if I can fully relate to the “when feeling low, I compare my negative experiences in the past with my positive experiences in the past” statement. Perhaps, as an instance, I could attribute that to my frequent astonishment whenever I speak to literally anyone I have not spoken in a good while. I perceive their changes in their physics, as well as their personality, and I compare to what they were like when I first met them. Sometimes, the alterations are so drastic that it does not feel like I'm speaking to the same person! It feels a little odd, to tell you the truth. Then, I compare myself, and I notice that… I may not have changed a lot. Sometimes, that makes me feel a little upset, because I feel like I should change to some degree, too, but there is this sensation that I am “stuck”, somehow, and that I am unable to proceed in life because of that.

In terms of feedback, I was called stubborn and narrow-minded a few times because I would often go do things in my way, even if they were made in the “wrong” way. It is simply because I got used to do it in such a manner. An example to that would be my family teaching me how to clean the floor with a broom. I guess it's because of my carelessness with physicality that I cannot quite sweep exactly in the way they want me to sweep, but, I cannot quite seem to stop doing it, even when I know that it is not in that way.

I would say that, although I do enjoy to have some routine in order to bring a sensation of stability to my life, I am not fully averse to change. However, it ought to occur in my terms, or be something minor (and even then, I am not always pleased at the possibility from the latter statement).

A manner at which I acquire knowledge is when I recognize patterns and immediately assume that it's going to happen like this because of experience. For example, whenever someone quietly stares at me in a certain way, due to something that I most likely did “wrong”, I swiftly assume they are going to speak something, and if I know the answer, I respond to their unspoken question as soon as possible because, as well as not handling the silent judgment, it has always been like this. For other example, I notice that, for food that I have never tasted, I take a look at its texture, appearence, and smell, and envision the taste in my mouth. When I do that, I tend to compare the possible flavor it has with the flavors of any dishes that I have had in the past before even trying it. This way, I immediately have an assumption of what it is like, and whether I will most likely be prone to enjoy or dislike the nourishment.

I like to go with already established procedures because, as well as providing a sensation of security and familiarity, it is more efficient to go by them, as thinking of alternative processes to take can be quite taxing. Even if the standard instructions do not always work for me, I still try to follow them.

Now, for the inferior function…

Extraverted Intuition (Ne):

I am a person who tends to mostly see only the negative outcomes that a possible action can lead to. Sometimes, in moments of stress, I will allow myself to indulge in more optimistic scenarios. Although, these thoughts are short-lived, and in a matter of seconds, I find myself falling into the urge of being pessimistic once again, automatically thinking of the worst and mentally preparing myself for it (assuming that I cannot avoid it). An example to that could be when teachers in high school go with an approach to their tests and exams that which differs from the standard. I don't remember if they warned beforehand, but, I think they did not do that. I break down because I am certain that I will fail, and thus repeat the year, and that makes me awfully afraid of how my future is going to turn out.

Admittedly, describing what an inferior Ne looks like to me is where it gets tricky, because I feel as if I either have not experienced an Ne grip at all, or, my bad memory makes it arduous to recall if I have had any more moments of grip, or, it is actually because Ne is not present at all (or it is actually a higher function). Hence, this is why this argument looks short. However, I still believed the possibility for ISFJ due to the fact that I believe that I have some similar tendencies that Si dominant users tend to have.

That is it. Thank you very much for reading it thus far. I hope that my analysis has followed the correct requirements for the assessment.

----------------------

I don't think dominant Si and inferior Ne fit very well, whereas INFJ functions fit better. I agree that INFJ is most likely correct.

#typing #ask

2 notes · View notes

robertwalton · 1 year

Note

Writing ask

1, 3, 5, 11, 23 :)

COLLEEN. the way i saw this and thought very contentedly "well thats nice i should answer right away" and then immediately forgot you sent the ask & went to make dinner for like two hours... THANK U!!! okay.

1) is there a story you’re holding off on writing for some reason?

tbh so many but the most egregious one is the robert victor breakup heartbreak divorce story. i want to write abt victor coming back and trying to rebuild a relationship with robert/june/all their friends while they both struggle with the pain/get to know each other and themselves as the new people they have grown into after their 3 years apart. i've written bits and pieces about it, but the most defining images i have of the story haven't gone down on paper yet. honestly the reason why i haven't written it yet is because it's soooo heavy and so Real................. i don't feel like i have the necessary life experience to successfully capture it (yet!). i need to either 1) be in my thirties 2) have tried to repair and reignite an insane gay relationship after a heartwrenching breakup OR 3) be touched by true blue beauty that inspires me so strongly in such a blaze of clarity that i can't not write it in spite of everything holding me back

3) what order do you write in? front of book to back? chronological? favorite scenes first? something else?

HAHA i start at the start and that's usually pretty easy, but then the bigger it gets the more i pull it apart and start new sections beyond what i already have and go against chronology etc. i can't write straight front to back... like when i wrote successions, i'm pretty sure i leapt ahead to the aquarium scene WAY early on and built the whole sequence around two major visions: 1) luma's duel with anaris and 2) the image of the shark inside the tank. so i started with those two concepts and then wrote in all directions everywhere at once bit by bit. and on a larger level that's true for the entire writing process. i bounce around constantly whittling away on different sections throughout the story and that helps a LOT when it comes to tying ideas and themes together across the entire narrative. it does mean i have to rewrite conversations and exposition constantly to reflect updated context, tone, or what my characters know/believe, which means editing is, frankly, sooo brutal. BUT WORTH IT

i normally think of it as a surgery... like i get as much of a draft as possible and then i cut it open and start chopping and screwing and then at the end i stitch it all back up

5) character you were most surprised to end up writing?

oh my god there have been so many... it's always the character i don't think has legs to stand on that ends up having the best and brightest most interesting personality and backstory forever. cher. kennick (tbh!). theodred. esme. corinthia. JACKDAW. jackdaw surprises me every time i write him!!!! but most importantly. anaris... not to get back on my successions soapbox but i want u to know that anaris was originally "supposed to" be a straight up and down evil villain with no redeeming or even interesting qualities. and then the story as a whole turned into this kinda beautiful epic about two men who are uncomfortably similar but disgusted by each other's life choices/values & who (despite their very best efforts) end up finding profound meaning and even humanity in their father-son relationship UGH ANARIS!!!!!!! he's a bastard but he's SUCH an interesting bastard and i could write him all day. let's not even forget about the kretz/anaris crackfic because i think that opened up even more interesting parts of his character (i mean. he's an - as far as his own definition goes - entirely heterosexual man who would still rather bottom for men for release/physical pleasure than admit to women that he doesn't have a penis and therefore can't fulfill his own criteria for masculinity, sexually speaking. which i personally think is just so sad and so flawed and so self destructive and fascinating. i mean. lol. colleen it does NOT align with the worldbuilding you released for mestrus today LOLLLL. BUT it's already set in stone it's in print so i'm keeping it)

11) what aspect of your writing do you think has most improved since you started writing?

HAHA well. i "started" writing as soon as i learned how to read (brag LOL). i have always loved narrative... ive always been making little books and stories... before i knew enough words to write actual stories i was drawing little comic strips and worldbuilding... but for the purpose of this question i'm going to point to the very first "book" i ever finished writing, which i wrote when i was 12! i still have a physical printed out copy of it :-) spiral bound with a cover. since then i would Like to say i've improved just about every single aspect of my writing period. but one thing i kinda pride myself on now that i didn't have back then is character voice. all my characters used to be kinda samey... i watch out for that now and i Try to make characters think and talk differently.

for example i want louriz and mira to be looking at the same situation and have unique opinions about it & respond to it in completely different ways. i try to keep in mind how character psychology would frame whatever it is they're trying to say. i Try to keep speaking patterns consistent and unique so you can tell what character said what even if there are no tags. SHRUG. i don't know if i'm even THAT good at it but it's something i KNOW has improved since i started, bc i actually think about it now and do my best

23) any obscure life experiences that you feel have helped your writing?

mama mia... it's too obvious to say that i'm trans, and on the transgender website i don't think that's even an obscure experience... um... um...................... WELL HERE'S ONE. my entire friend group top to bottom is made up of passionate and creative artists and writers, which means i'm always seeing creation & art explode around me!!!!! (this is the life... bohemia...) when you're exposed to art and poetry and galaxy brain ideas all the time, from your entire social group, it can only help your writing! even when i'm stuck in creative blocks, my brain is tapped into this constant flow of creation and inspiration and sometimes just seeing other people write kinda starts the engine. I LOVE MY FRIENDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#mail #TY ANSWERING THIS WAS A LOT OF FUN #i didnt see if you reblogged the post but ill check now and if you did ill send numbers...

3 notes · View notes

funkymbtifiction · 2 years

Text

Hi, I have been struggling to find my mbti and enneagram type so I’ve been recommended by a few friends to come to you. I would really appreciate it if you can give me recommendations of the type I should look into.

You're an ISTP, but I'm not sure about your Enneagram type. I see attachment core (friendly, adaptable, likable) either paired with a competency wing or a boundary-enforcing wing, so I think either 6w5 or 9w8. I lean 9w8. Anyway... some things I noticed...

I would say that I am a quiet, low-key, reserved person who maintains an easy-going, charming demeanor to others. Even though I prefer to be alone most of the time, I still like to engage in social interactions whether it will be parties or events because have a good time and not engaging in trouble is what is important to me. Even though I am a friendly, easy-going person I am who someone who is serious and no nonsense that doesn’t tolerate too much bullshit and childish behavior. <- this feels 9w8 to me. Being approachable, good-natured, and easy-going, but with a side of you that "doesn't tolerate bullshit."

I like to engage in a lot physical activities throughout my day whether it be playing basketball or learning new skills hands on. <- high Se / SP

I also enjoy researching, gain knowledge and having intellectual conversations for hours and dive deep into serious topics like history, politics, psychology etc. <- this supports the idea of high Ti, but also suggests your Ni isn't inferior (ISTPs have tert-Ni)

Being analytical and logical comes very easy to me. I naturally analyze everything around me as I constantly need to understand everything and everyone to see what makes them tick and to decide if this is a person I should engage with or not. <- being detached and analytical, seeing people as something to "figure out" is very ITP/Ti-dom -- but there's also a strong gut-driven decision-making process here that could speak to 9w8 as well (8 wings are black and white, either I like this person or they suck)

I am very adaptable person that can adapt to any group of people and situation with ease. My persona tends to change with the type of people I am around so if I am around people who are more jokey I will be jokey to fit in and things of that nature. <- this can be 3ish, or it can also be 9ish, but it shows me you are an attachment core with low Fe that isn't opposed to altering yourself to fit a situation

Under stress I tend to become more emotional and irritable who complains about things the that are causing me to stress and then go silent and have a regret about having a temper tantrum. <- this is extremely normal behavior for ITP types, they become unusually emotional under pressure, release their emotions, and then often feel humiliated for having 'lost control' like that

I also tend to have a doomsday vision when I am stressed out and tend to think that everything is going to go bad, if my current situation is bad etc. <- low Ni

My core fears are being without peace, light and fun also being seen as a unworthy, uncool and not a competent person. <- this is a positive core with a competency component; it COULD be 9w1 as opposed to 9w8, or 9's connection to 3.

In life I strive to be successful, cool, professional and respected to those among me. It’s very important to maintain a polished image of myself and become very angry and upset when I feel like other are trying to ruin my reputation. <- this sounds more like a 3, which could also be a potential core here instead of 9.

The best feeling of life to me is achieving my goals and succeeding as it gives me a reminder of improving myself. <- 3ish

Living a life without fun, adventure and not peace is another thing I can’t go with out. I am a fun person but I also believe in `Work Hard, Play Hard’ and `Live Life To The Fullest’. <- this could be 9 or 3

So, I am confident of ISTP and encourage you to look at 3 and 9.

#question #mbti #enneagram

12 notes · View notes

akpaleyreblogs · 1 year

Note

Can I ask how AI art genereters are tools for artists? Do you mean just using it as a base? Or as a refrenc photo? Or what? If the first then, sorry but you will probably learn nothing. Like I'm genuenly want to know how well the ones who use AI art genereters as a base can draw. And plus many artist like puting on music, a podcasts, or something whaile drawing everything from the start. Sorry if I sounded rude.

You're good, I appreciate the genuine question. I'm going to try to answer as clearly as possible, but will request some amount of grace since often written stuff comes off more tonally sharp than it's meant.

As a starting point, to be clear: I absolutely do not use AI art generators as a base to draw. I don't have a moral issue with that, but it's not a way I would ever recommend anyone learning to draw. I think it's probably a pretty bad way to learn to draw if drawing is something you're interested in doing well. What I have done is taken some abstract images that were just kind of mashes of colors and shapes created before AI art could successfully simulate anything a human would make and thought "there's something compelling in that composition or those colors, what if I interpret that and use it?" That isn't to say that people can't use it as a base to paint over. I haven't been able to do much art in a while, but I've definitely seen things created by AI art more convincingly and thought "there's something compelling here, can I capture and enhance specifically what's compelling about this image to me?" I think that's the way that basically everyone endorses using AI art, if you're going to? Like I don't think anyone would be mad about it if they didn't feel like it was competing with people. Back when it was more primitive I saw a lot more positivity towards AI art models, and I think that's why. That said.

There are a bunch of different stakeholders involved in this conversation. Some of them get conflated with one another regularly.

I am a recreational artist. I take commissions occasionally, but I don't do this professionally and I don't expect to make a living at it. I enjoy the process of making something and finding whatever I'm drawing or painting through the process of drawing or painting it. I like the process. I am invested in having the time and ability to practice that process and an audience to show the things I make. When I need art for something, I can draw at least an approximation of it. I am in the category perhaps the least affected by AI art in either good or bad ways.

But here's where your question gets complicated: there are two groups that are very positively affected by AI art: non artists and AI artists.

I am in the somewhat controversial camp that AI artist is a real thing. This is because I've used a lot of AI models. My partner works in machine learning (though not in image-based stuff) and so I've gotten to play with a lot of these things as they have emerged. It is very easy to convince an AI art generator to make something neat. It is very hard to convince an AI art generator to make the thing that you want it to make. If all you want is something neat to look at, great. But if you have a specific vision for what you're creating, it is very very hard to convince an AI art model to produce that. It is a real skill. This is a real art tool that can be used to do real art by people who are willing to build that specific skill. That skill has nothing to do with drawing and everything to do with how skilled you are at figuring out how AI will interpret language. I do not have that skill. My partner does not have that skill. But there are definitely people who have that skill. If I believe these people are artists, and I do, AI absolutely creates tools for artists. Just not my kind of artist.

Think of it as a different genre of art with a different set of acceptable tools. Think of the kind of paint overs that I might consider doing as a sort of digital (or even traditional if I wanted to print things out) mixed media. It would be ridiculous for me to take a photo and claim it was a drawing, but it's not at all ridiculous for me to take a photo and draw over it and claim that I've created art. It is also, frankly, not ridiculous for me to be a photographer and claim that I've created art.

Professional artists see serious economic threat from AI art. I'm not going to tell them it doesn't exist, it very clearly exists. Professional artists also saw serious threats from photography when it first emerged, which were also not unfounded. But that doesn't make it not art or not a useful art tool.

You'll notice that I haven't talked about non-artists, because that's kind of its own ramble, it's very long and ethically complicated, and it's only tangentially related to your question. So I guess this is a standing offer to get into that if you're interested, but only if you actually want me to. As is, I want to keep the photography parallel going, because same way amateurs can use a camera to take pictures and capture something, amateurs can also feed AI prompts and get something neat back. It's still real art. But the tool is being used casually by someone who doesn't care deeply and I wouldn't call that person an artist anymore than I would call myself a photographer.

EDIT: Just to be clear, when I'm thinking of AI as a tool I'm thinking of Dall-E and midjourney and stuff like that. There are a bunch of apps that stylize your photos that are becoming very popular right now, I'm not really talking about those. I'm also not talking about AI that's been trained specifically off of certain artists without their permission. In general I think that's bad etiquette and not a good thing in the same way that copying someone's work and posting it as your own is typically bad etiquette and not a good thing, especially if you're making money off it.

#not going to tag this with AI art because I don't really want to attract the vitriol of strangers #I would love to have real conversations with strangers about things because it's always possible there's something I'm not seeing #but I'm not super interested in attracting the vitriol of strangers which is what I got last time #but do you feel free to engage with me about this topic if you think I'm wrong and you want to do it genuinely #or if you agree with me or think things are complicated or any other position you could hold besides turning me into a funny strawman #tagging retroactively now that I don't think it's new enough to be likely to show up anywhere so that people can follow a conversation #AI art

2 notes · View notes

groovesnjams · 2 years

Video

youtube

“Beach House” by Carly Rae Jepsen

DV:

Seven years ago we covered every weird song Carly Jepsen released in the runup to E*MO*TION, and now we’re going to do it again. Because it’s Carly, sure, but also because The Loneliest Time seems set to be one of the year’s oddest releases. “Western Wind” came packaged with a consistent aesthetic, a clear buildup, promo budget: everything Carly usually doesn’t have. It suggested a plan, a future. “Beach House” drops now, and it’s over two months later - with no notice, days after an album announcement but not coordinated with that announcement in any way. It’s a bouncy song, it sounds like late summer, and it has to do with how Carly Rae Jepsen has dated creeps and frauds and serial killers, each described in the same jaunty way and each voiced by an uncredited male chorus. “Beach House” is profoundly strange in the same way as “Store” or “Everything He Needs”: it sounds nothing like anything Carly has done before, and also nothing like any song a nominally-pop artist in 2022 should release. "Beach House” has got more in common with Ethel Cain - subtly horrifying even as it exhilarates - than it does with anything attempting to hit a popular mood, much less hit the charts. Back in the E*MO*TION era, Carly sounded like she was constantly topping herself; if Dedicated was a disappointment, it’s because it often felt like it confined itself to refining or tweaking what she’d done in the years before: only a half-step forward. So far, this era is as if she’s forging new pathways through a forest, marking them out and remaking them in her image. As if each single is a new discovery. It’s not not confusing - but I couldn’t be more thrilled.

MG:

I’m significantly less thrilled with “Beach House” than DV. What felt whimsical and free from artifice a few years ago has now settled into a fairly predictable carousel of misdirects and mismanagement. A recent profile with Nylon magazine reveals "[s]he sent her publisher some 30 to 40 songs she was considering for the album, which she narrowed down from a hundred song ideas through a ‘mad, scientific process’ involving charts and voting systems.” I can’t put into words how frustrating I find that detail, especially with a song like “Beach House” as the ersatz prize for Carly’s listeners. Her catalog is saturated with pure crap, but in the past I was able to write that off as the auteur’s vision because it appeared like there was no label oversight, no big, bad A&R man telling her what the single was. What’s now clear is that there’s significant effort behind her song selection (and probably her singles, her album promotion, her tours, her merch -- all of which are woeful compared to the rest of the pop market) and we could hear more songs like “Western Wind” if we weren’t so subject to album curation via raffle and bingo.

Ostensibly, “Beach House” is meant to fit with “Western Wind” into a broader theme of “loneliness” for her upcoming album, The Loneliest Time. In the above interview, Carly talks of grief and distance, of lack and inability, and of craziness and she attributes all these qualities to the loneliness of lockdown during the pandemic. But little, if any, of that shows up in the formulaic quirkiness of “Beach House.” In this song she cavorts from Malibu to Canada, hooks up with so many men she loses count, and then complains “boys around the world/ I want to believe that/ when your chase a girl/ it’s not just hunting season.” This is not a song about loneliness, it’s a song about choice paralysis, about being sat in front of a buffet filled with things you don’t want to touch, much less put in your mouth. For what it’s worth, very little of “Western Wind” (which I still love) speaks to anything I recognize as loneliness, either.

All of this rankles me, but Carly is unbothered, explaining “I don’t want to have to feel like I am one thing, and I don’t want my album to feel that way, either. So I think I’ve shut off this idea of cohesiveness. I’m the thread.” Then call the album Carly Rae Jepsen.

#carly rae jepsen #ethel cain #beach house

3 notes · View notes

clementines-writing-corner · 8 months

Text

inspiration, privilege, and a new character ✨

Hello friends!

This is my first update on my writing progress - just about a week after my first post (give or take a few hours)! I’m still not entirely sure how to go about writing this even as I am in the process of doing it. So, first and foremost, apologies for any awkwardness or stiltedness. Please bear with me as I continue to figure this blog thing out! ᕱ__ᕱ

A quick overview for those of you who want to speed through my rambles and get to the good creative development bits: This week I wanted to gripe about the fickleness of inspiration, discuss unrealised privilege, and give some details about a character I am developing!

Inspiration

Okay, let's get the complaining out of the way first. Inspiration is so annoying! Ideally, I would have a steady, gentle flow of inspiration, so I’m able to take my time to pick out the good ideas and discard the rest. But, noooooooo. Instead, my brain decides that I get one of two extremes most often: either I’m overflowing with inspiration, stuck, unable to even process the sheer volume of ideas that are floating about my brain, or my idea stores are dryer than the Sahara desert. It’s so frustrating!!!!!! Is this just a me thing? Do other writers deal with this? Ugh! I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone.

I bring this up because this week has been really dry for me. It just figures that as soon as I buckle down and decide to commit to working my creative writing muscles once more, my brain decides that - nope! no ideas for JP this week!

I did eventually get hung up on one idea, during a conversation with my friend about how much we both love morally grey characters. They are just so fascinating to read/think about! When we were having this conversation though, my friend ended up doing a google search on moral alignment charts and this was the first image she clicked on:

Now, regardless of your opinions about the comic book characters on this chart, what caught my attention was the top left corner. Upon seeing everyone’s favorite boy scout in red and blue spandex, I remarked, “Clark Kent seems like a good guy and all, but lawful good characters are so boring.”

🌟

ᕱ__ᕱ

(Thus, an idea was born.)

A lawful good character that I, at the very least, don’t find boring. What an inspired idea! I rolled the idea around in my head for the next two days as I made my way through classes and finally (while I was taking a shower of course because the best ideas are shower ideas), I decided that I would rework and expand upon a character I had already started creating. One of the characters from my failed creative writing attempt from over the summer.

Privilege

Because I have to make things terribly difficult and overly complicated for myself, I decided that I wanted to stretch out my graphic design muscles as well and draw my character. But I had a very clear vision of her in my head and wanted to bring her to life for you all to see. It mostly went well, which is good, seeing as I am still quite the novice in most artistic endeavors, until I got to her hair. My character is some type of fae creature (perhaps an elf? I haven’t determined that part yet) and has dark skin. I was originally going to give her straight hair, but ultimately decided that there was no reason she couldn’t have more textured, coily hair, so I set out to try and see if someone had created an accessible brush, or at least a tutorial on how to make one, to help me with drawing out my character hair.

I found zero. My style is generally on the simplistic, cartoon-like end of the realism spectrum and I was going to style my character’s hair into long bubble-puff twin tails, so the brush type I was searching for wasn’t terribly complicated. And what about braids? I wasn’t able to find a single brush or tutorial for making a textured hair brush that was easy to search or accessible to me. So, I said screw that and ended up figuring out how to make my own.

It is insane to me how some forms of privilege are so invisible until they smack you right in the face. I am white. I was able to find several downloadable brush options and tutorials on how to make brushes for straight hair. But not a single one for coily, textured hair, or even hair put in protective styles. It’s truly baffling, and I recognize even that feeling as a little privilege on my part because I’ve never had to think about it until this past week.

I’m glad I made the decision to give my character textured hair.

Character

As I stated before, I like to make things difficult for myself and of course with the snags I had drawing my character, much of the time I could have spent writing her was eaten away. However, here are some key details I hope to develop further:

Her name thus far is Ailidh (eyy-lee)

She is some type of fae folk (perhaps an elf - that’s what she started as but I may create my own magic system/world lore so who knows)

She is a noble

Not royalty I don’t think (I’m fairly certain I don’t want the fae folk to be a monarchy)

Her family is very high ranking though (enough so that they may be part of a ruling class - perhaps and oligarchy type situation - they care for the fae living in there neck of the woods at least)

She is engaged (ooo drama!)

She does not want to be engaged

Ooo plot!

She is skilled with herbs and healing (and also poison) but terrible with weapons of any kind

She is very indignant that her parents send her around with more bodyguards than both of them have combined

She loves her parents and her fellow fae and has a strong sense of loyalty and duty

That, unfortunately, is all I have for now. Hopefully it wasn’t too bland. ᕱ__ᕱ Some world-building crept out at me as I was coming up with her character and story which is very exciting and gives me all sorts of new inspiration! At the very least I have 2 new characters to come up with (her fiance and a surprise). ᕱ__< But, I feel this has been quite long enough (4 pages of the doc I used to draft this on) and so I shall leave you all here for now. Kudos to those who managed to make it here through all my rambles!

And remember, dot your j’s and cross your t’s!

~Clementine J Quincey🪷

1 note · View note

daveinediting · 11 months

Photo

Last night, the show BrainWorks: Vision and the Brain won an Emmy Award in the category of Children/Youth/Teens.

The show won the award.

The show on which we worked, myself on editing and motion graphics.

Now, I have no problem taking credit for my own efforts. And it's certainly a lovely thing to dress up for an awards night with your wife, colleagues, and friends... and then actually find yourself onstage with part of the team behind the project receiving that gold, weighty Emmy. I won't lie. It was a bit of a surprising out-of-body experience that was very much like watching a live feed from a point of view camera attached to my forehead.

I was up there because the show for which I contributed editing and motion graphics won in its category.

It's a little like accepting an award on behalf of your child who beat other children at something. Maybe they produced the best drawing of Mickey Mouse. Maybe they did the funniest impersonation of their teacher. Maybe they recycled the most candy wrappers (because they ate the most candy, obviously).

It's their achievement but you take the credit because your child is the product of you, your partner, and your efforts.

A show award is a little like that. It's an imperfect metaphor but the reason I use it is because there are craft awards specifically for writing and editing and photography among other specialties. I won a Telly award for music and that definitely was all me. I have friends who won photography and writing and editing awards and that definitely was all them. Show awards, even though they're not treated this way, are most like team news coverage awards where there's at least an attempt at acknowledging everyone involved because the award-worthy finished product was created by everyone involved. The audience experience is defined by everyone involved. And the ability of the team to achieve rarified levels of professionalism, craft, performance, inspiration, speed, creativity, and undeniably engaging work... is because of everyone involved. In live broadcast news, it's called team coverage. A specific experience made possible by a team and recognized as such just as films and streaming series are crafted by highly skilled, highly talented specialists who work together at sometimes massive scale. And that team of professionals, however large or small, whether film or broadcast television or web, defines a quality of work goes well beyond standard job descriptions. Theirs is a truly collective, whole is greater than the sum of parts, effort.

As an editor, I spent most of my career working at a small production company where we're exquisitely aware of each other's contributions. For me especially, my part of the team process starts with watching every last bit of footage that comes back from the field. All of it. Drones. GoPros. iPhones. HDCams. DSLRs. Everything. Whatever's in use to capture moving images. Whatever's gonna be invented to capture moving images.

However the technology shakes out, the experience of this footage tells me what can be done. The experience of this footage informs me of what's absolutely possible. And so it's usually a bit of a Christmas morning experience absorbing the photographer's work, responding to that work with pure emotion, without agenda. And yes. The work I do then is very much either constrained by or set free by what I see and hear and feel.

In my career, I've nearly always had the pleasure of leveling up great work. It's what I absolutely adore about my career. And yes, there have been those occasions when I threw things at the monitor out of outrage and frustration. Few and far between were those occasions, though.

In my early production experience in the field, traveling Europe, traveling the American Midwest to the West coast, there was never a question that we all relied on one another. In my later experience, a few times as a director, I was struck not only by how the professionalism and skill of each crew member impacted the production... but also how the personality of each crew member was a massive X-factor producing all kinds of unexpected dividends. Ideas that could and did flourish around the certain people. Performances that got better in the right environment. Things you could make up on the spot and execute flawlessly because everyone's at the top of their game.

It's a team, I find myself repeating relentlessly.

And that never stops being true.

As well, the individual contributions of each member of that team goes beyond mere job description.

And that definitely never stops being true.

Don't get me wrong. I love what I can do in my corner of a production. But. I get to do what I do best because I'm engaging professionalism, a profound quality of work, and a definite human touch that is a superpower in any profession: the ability to bring out the best in others. The absolute best.

So.

Last night, the show BrainWorks: Vision and the Brain won an Emmy Award in the category of Children/Youth/Teens.

The show won the award.

The show on which a team of us worked together, producing something of fun and energy and knowledge that none of us, not one.

Could have achieved on their own.

😊

#production #post production #team #colleagues #collaboration #emmy awards #awards #recognition #acknowledgement #working together #team effort #making each other better

1 note · View note

todomitoukei · 3 years

Text

Japanese vs. English Dabi - A 292 Comparison

As other people have already pointed it, the official translation is sometimes a little biased to the point of adding things into the text that aren’t in the original Japanese version or changing phrases to the point where the villains come off colder than they actually are.

The current chapters are highly important to Dabi’s and Shouto’s characters and so the official translation, unfortunately, can lead to people getting the wrong image of Dabi. This is not to say that Dabi is actually a super friendly guy - however, I don’t think you can get a full picture of all the layers to his character without taking the original text in mind.

Since there are a few panels I’m going to talk about from this chapter - comparing the Japanese version with the official translation and also dissecting and explaining the original Japanese phrases - I’m going to put the rest of this post under the cut because it’s a bit lengthy otherwise.

Let’s start with these panels. Though these aren’t mistranslated per se, just like with the “dance with your son in hell” line from the previous chapter, the furigana next to the kanji have a different meaning here. As discussed before, whenever this is the case, the furigana are what the character says, and the kanji represent what the character actually means.

The line in the second panel is: 「轟家の過去が消えるわけじゃねえだろ。」

轟家「とどろきいえ ; todoroki ie 」-> the Todoroki household

の　「 no 」-> particle to indicate possession, works like an apostrophe

過去「かこ ; kako 」 -> the past; a past (i.e. a personal history one would prefer remained secret); one’s past

が「 ga 」 -> particle to mark the subject of the sentence

消える「きえる ; kieru 」 -> to vanish; to disappear

わけじゃねえ「 wakejanee 」 -> It doesn’t mean that

だろ「 daro 」 -> right ? (used to ask the person you’re talking to for confirmation)

The two words that have a different furigana reading than they should have, are Todoroki household and past. According to the furigana, Dabi says:

「うち」-> house; one’s own home

「じじつ」-> truth; reality

So going by the kanji reading you get:

“This doesn’t mean that the past of the Todoroki household just disappears, right?”

Whereas what he actually says is:

“This doesn’t mean the truth of our home just disappears, right?”

In comparison to the “dance with your son in hell” line, these two versions don’t differ as much from another. Caleb actually addresses this in his twitter threat and sort of mixed the two versions into one: “This doesn’t change the hard truths about my family’s past!”

Personally, considering he is directly talking to Shouto here, I find the choice of translating the Todoroki household/home part into “my family” a bit weird. Since he seeks Shouto’s confirmation here, it would make more sense to translate it as “our family” in my opinion. The “my” makes it feel a lot more self-centered, even though there is no indication for him to only be referring to himself here.

Switching the word to vanish with “change” also slightly changes the meaning here. Though both are accurate, I feel like their past disappearing holds more weight. The line is, after all, referring to the fact that Best Jeanist has appeared, despite Dabi earlier announcing that the hero had been killed. So even though Dabi was wrong about that part, it doesn’t make his other facts go away. It’s not just about changing his words, but making it like they were never spoken in the first place. It’s a small difference, but a difference nonetheless.

Finally, the “hard truths” part instead of reality/past. It’s interesting to think about why Dabi says “truth” when he means “past”. But I think one way to look at it is that to Dabi, he has accepted the past. He has lived with it and carried it with him in silence for so long, but was always aware of it. Despite him not having told anyone else about it, he didn’t deny that past to himself. He shows his scars and he fights back. That is who Dabi is as the person that rose from Touya’s ashes. Meanwhile, he says “truth” while talking to Shouto. While we, the readers, and those around Shouto know of his hatred towards Endeavor, Dabi doesn’t know about this. To him, Shouto really is just Endeavor’s little doll. And so in Dabi’s eyes, Shouto has yet to see the truth. To acknowledge their past and the pain they all went through. And though Dabi might not be completely right about Shouto, he isn’t entirely wrong, either. Because even when Shouto hates Endeavor, even when he says he is just going to use him for his own gain, at the end of the day, regardless of his reasons, his actions are still what Endeavor wants him to do - to train hard and want to become the Number One Hero.

I included one the alternative meanings “a personal past one might prefer remained secret” because it also fits well with that interpretation. That the true meaning behind him saying “truth” is not just the mere past, but the part of the past they don’t want to share. Whether that’s because it’s an ugly one that could haunt them for the rest of their lives, or because it’s just difficult to talk about. Either way, it’s more than just memories from when their family was still young. In that, I think “hard truth” is actually a fitting translation, even when it doesn’t have the exact same nuance as the Japanese version.

While Shouto and Dabi are in many ways similar to another, they have slightly different goals: While Dabi wants to kill Endeavor, Shouto wants to save his mom. To both of them that is liberty, just with a different approach.

And the ending of the sentence, where he seeks confirmation from Shouto, sort of indicates just that. He wants Shouto to admit it. Pushing him into a corner and asking a question that only has one right answer. This is also similar to a few chapters ago when Toga confronted Uraraka with the question “Was Jin not a person?” It’s asking something with an obvious answer, yet the people being asked seem to not yet be able to give the right answer, even when they might already know it.

Next of, Shouto confronts Dabi about the villain he sent to their house, who could have killed Natsuo. As you can see in the panel above, the English translation has Dabi say: “Almost killed? What a shame. That would’ve really hurt Endeavor.”

Meanwhile, the Japanese version says: 「それならそれで。エンデヴァーが苦しむ。」

「それならそれで ; sorenara sorede 」 -> even so (expression frustration); still

「エンデヴァー ; Endebā 」 -> Endeavor

「が ; ga 」 -> particle to mark the subject of the sentence

「苦しむ ; kurushimu 」 -> to suffer

As you can see, “Almost killed? What a shame” is kind of very far off from the actual meaning. While the official translation makes it almost sound like Dabi is disappointed and wants Natsuo to be killed, the fan translation has him say: “Then that would mean Endeavor would suffer.” This is a lot closer to the Japanese version and focuses on the more important part: the goal is for Endeavor to suffer. Dabi’s intention isn’t to get anyone else in the family hurt/killed in the process, however, he does have this tunnel vision where everything is about Endeavor and doing whatever to hurt him.

“What a shame” sounds like he is upset Natsuo didn’t actually die. While, as stated above, the first part can show frustration, that frustration more likely refers to the disappointment that Endeavor doesn’t suffer as much as he could.

While both versions translate the second part as Endeavor “would” suffer/be hurt by this, the Japanese uses the present tense for suffering. In a way, Dabi is saying “Well, though he could’ve been more hurt, he suffers.” Maybe he hasn’t been as damaged as could be, but it doesn’t matter, because the fact remains that he does suffer from this, present tense. So Dabi doesn’t recognize this as a loss or “a shame” that Natsuo didn’t die. Instead, he recognizes that Endeavor suffers, even when he isn’t met with the worst-case scenario.

In response to the last panel, Shouto asks whether Dabi is insane (please don’t ask people that) and Dabi’s response in the original translation is “Sure am, Shouto. See, your brother’s not so big on “feelings” anymore.”

A couple of thoughts on this. First, this is a downgrade in comparison to the fan translation of “You got it, Shouto! Your big brother has completely lost any feeling for anything!”

Something the phrasing coupled with Dabi’s wide eyes and big smile make me laugh and this panel now lives rent free in my head.

Anyway, the Japanese line goes: 「そうだよ焦凍兄ちゃん何も感じなくなっちまった。」

「そうだよ ; soudayo 」 -> that is right

「焦凍 ; Shouto 」 -> Shouto

「兄ちゃん ; Nii-Chan 」 -> big bro (in a very endearing way, but can also be used to be demeaning)

「何も ; nanimo 」 -> nothing

「感じ ; kanji 」 -> feeling

「なく ; naku 」 -> adverbial form of nai; attaches to a verb to mean “without”

「なっちまった ; nacchimatta 」 -> to have become (unintentionally; regretfully)

The fan translation, in my opinion, is far more accurate, but there is still something missing.

First of all, I don’t know why the official translation put feelings in quotes as if Dabi didn’t actually say it? mean it? It just feels like an odd choice that I can’t find a good enough justification for.

Second of all, “not so big on ‘feelings’ anymore” and “has completely lost any feeling for anything” is a big difference, and would make sense if the fan translation was inaccurate. But it isn’t. The official translation makes it sound like Dabi more or less chose not to feel anymore or pay attention to his feelings. He could, but he doesn’t want to. You could argue that both sentences still carry the same meaning: Dabi doesn’t feel anymore. "To be big on something” usually refers to having a strong interest in something and prioritizing said interest, which implies that one chooses to prioritize it. While I’m not arguing that some people do choose to ignore their feelings instead of confronting them, in this case, it’s actually the opposite of what he says.

Looking at the actual Japanese sentence, it begins with Dabi confirming Shouto’s words. Yes, I am crazy. There is no denying, nor shame in this. There is almost a bit of pride in that - so little bro actually recognizes that I have gone crazy from this.

Nii-Chan is an interesting choice of words here. The Japanese language is very much based on hierarchy. There are different levels of formality (shown through words, expressions, and verb forms) depending on whom you are speaking to. To summarize: When you are talking to someone who is of higher status (based on job position, age, experience). This also applies to siblings. Since those of higher status can be more direct/less formal with those of lower status, older siblings can address their younger siblings by their given name alone.

Meanwhile, the younger siblings would use some kind of honorific/suffix. In this case, the “Nii” means older brother. “San” is the standard suffix you would use to address your older siblings (and other people in general). “Chan” is a suffix that you usually use for kids/girls, - where it has a cute, endearing connotation - wherefore it becomes kind of rude when used for older people (as in people who aren’t children anymore). But it can also show endearment - a close bond between the siblings.

So why does Dabi call himself “Nii-Chan”? While you can interpret this as a sarcastic remark to mock their non-existent relationship, I think here Dabi uses it here to humanize himself to Shouto. Kind of like an “I know you see me as a villain right now, but I also am your bro, remember?” He isn’t just this “evil criminal” - rather cute lil Touya is still inside of him. Dabi isn’t just Dabi. He still is Touya, too. So if you fight Dabi and if you call Dabi insane, you also do those things to Touya. Dabi might be the stage of “having completely lost it” but that doesn’t just suddenly happen. It’s a process. While we can say Dabi became Touya on the day Touya “died” yet it’s important to recognize that there was a gradual transition where both Touya and Dabi existed.

Now that we have that part aside, let’s focus on the actual point of that phrase. The part about his feelings.

何も感じなくなっちまった。 Nanimo kanjinaku nacchimatta.

“Nanimo” means nothing and comes with negative verbs that it refers to.

As mentioned before, “kanji” means feeling and is paired with the adverbial form of “nai” - “naku” which negates “kanji” to turn it into not feeling. Pair that with “nanimo” and you get a meaning of “feeling nothing”

Now for the actually interesting part of this phrase (apologies that it took so long) - “nacchimatta”. This word consists of two seperate words: “naru” and “chimatta”. “Naru” means to become and is here merged with “chimatta” which is the colloquial past tense version of “teshimau”. The verb “shimau” expresses that an action (the verb it attaches to) has happened either unintentionally or has yielded regrettable results. So in this case, it is unintentional/regrettable that he has become something.

Putting this together, Dabi says that he has turned into someone who doesn’t feel anything anymore and this was not his intention, nor is it a good thing. To be fair, “shimau” can also mean something happens completely, however this meaning is rarer and while we can say that this is the meaning here, it’s more likely and more interesting to consider the more common meaning.

With that in mind, I want to quickly address the panel next to it, where Shouto asks him whether he has gone insane

In Japanese Shouto says:「イカれてんのかてめェ！」

「イカれて ; ikarete 」 -> (*ika is written in katakana here to emphasize the word since you can’t use italics in Japanese) to be beaten; to be crazy

「ん ; n 」 -> ender is used when explaining something; often with emotion*

「の ; no 」 -> explanatory particle; used at the end of a sentence like a question marker, but you want the listener to answer and give you the reasons why

「か ; ka 」 -> ender indicating doubt or uncertainty

「てめェ！; temee! 」 -> you (derogatory) *meme not intended

The reason why these nuances are important to take into account is that when Dabi, in his reply confirms that “Yes, you’re right, unfortunately, I have become unable to feel anything” he is not just confirming the statement, but emphasizing just how tragic this all is.

*[edit because someone pointed this out to me: the ん here is actually more likely to be the casual form of いる (iru) that attaches to the て (te) form of a verb to turn it into the current/ongoing state (= In this case "are you being crazy).]

The official translation simply made Shouto say: “Are you freaking insane?!” which isn’t exactly wrong but misses the nuance of the “nnoka” in the middle of the sentence. While the official translation sounds rather cold and dismissive, the original shows that Shouto cares. There is emotion, and more importantly: there is a desire to hear his reasons. “Why do you think it was okay to put Natsuo in danger?” By the way, the “n” ender that shows emotion when explaining something is also used by Shouto earlier when he says “Remember him? The brother you cried to every day?!” - It’s no surprise that he is emotional right now, still, it’s important to note that he isn’t just showing his emotions through his tone or his expression, but also through his words in order to make it as clear as possible to Dabi how much Dabi’s actions affect the rest of them and hopefully be able to get through to it.

It’s an emotional and tragic conversation that takes place between them, yet the official translation turned it into a much colder, less-caring one.

I know this was a lengthy post with a lot of information, so congrats and thank you if you’ve made it this far. The reason why I decided to make this post was that initially, the “Nii-Chan can’t feel anything anymore” part stuck with me so much and even more so when I dissected it.

Again, other people have pointed out that the official translation is very biased at times, which is not just sad for those of us who care about the villains, but it’s also just not professional. A lot of the panels I talked about in this post aren’t inherently incorrect, they are simply missing nuances that the English language doesn’t provide. Still, I wished that a professional translator would figure out a way to at least slightly incorporate these anyhow (which btw is literally part of the job). Aside from those, it’s just frustrating when the emotions get almost entirely removed from phrases. I get it - Dabi is apathetic, as he says himself. And yet, Dabi is also constantly shown to put extreme care into which words he chooses; this chapter being no exception. So why does such an important conversation between two brothers get changed in ways that make people who don’t bother checking other translations/the Japanese version unable to get the right image of them?

I understand that it’s important to support the official translation and I do. But it’s also very much important to read other versions, too. While the fan translation might have errors and mistranslations in it here and there, it tends to be a bit more literal and thus includes the nuances more than the official translation does. So please don’t just read the official translation and treat it like the only valid one, when it also comes with its flaws and just isn’t a good sole source for when you want to understand the characters.

#dabi #meta #bnha #boku no hero academia #shouto #todoroki #292 #my hero academia #mha #mine #bnha 292 #lov #also this took a while pls show this some love sgnskgns #translation

2K notes · View notes

aestherians · 3 years

Text

Choice or Chance?: Exploring voluntarity and categorization in the otherkin and therian communities

Under the cut is the full script for my Othercon 2021 lecture, in which I examine the way we categorize nonhumans based on the perceived amount of choice they had in their identity and how this practice is detrimental to both questioning people and our community as a whole. At the end, I propose a new way to define otherkind and otherlinkers to hopefully move our community forward.

Reading time: 30-40 minutes.

The focus of this lecture has changed a bit since I started working on it. My earliest idea was to discuss the grey area between otherlinks and kintypes - in fact one of my working titles was Grey Zones and Silver Linings. And I still plan on talking about this, though not in the way you might expect. I originally wanted to argue that those who found themselves in this grey area should be able to choose how they wanted to refer to their identity, but the more research and thinking I did, the more I realized that this would still leave a bunch of people torn and confused and wouldn’t solve any of the greater problems in our community. It also seems like such a water-is-wet statement with how the conversation has developed… and you know me, I’m only happy when I’m starting controversies.

So I went looking for the root of this whole categorization debacle.

The nonhuman community, as we know it, didn’t always exist, and though we often say it has roots in elven communities from the ‘70s, that’s only half the truth. While the Elf Queen’s Daughters and related successors such as the Silver Elves are the earliest known organized nonhuman communities, they’re by far not the only pioneers.

Because nonhuman identifying people have always existed, and our numbers have always been relatively small, some of us ended up grouping together without even being aware of the other groups that existed. And of course, all these independently formed groups ended up with their own cultures and traditions and philosophies.

Mailing lists, like the Elfinkind Digest, were generally open for anyone to join and read. But they also weren��t widely known or easy to stumble upon for folks who didn’t already have an interest in these kinds of spirituality and identification. This resulted in a culture where people’s self-identification was generally respected, and they would only be questioned if they made extraordinary claims.

Compare this with the newsgroup Alt.Horror.Werewolves, which was open for anyone to access on Usenet, and which was originally created as just a place to discuss werewolf media. On AHWw, the therians (or ‘weres’ as it was back then) would frequently have to defend their existence against strangers who just found them by coincidence. This would lead to a culture more focused on appearing respectable, which in turn would lead to grilling of new members and shut-downs of “fluffy” topics.

Other independent groups, such as Alt.Fan.Dragons, which was centered around dragons, or Always Believe, which was centered around unicorns, had their own cultures as well. For example, AFD generally accepted dragons from modern fiction, which would not have been tolerated on AHWw.

The Silver Elves is another semi-independently evolved group of elves, fae and similar beings that still exists to this day. They only represent a fraction of our community, but for today’s discussions I find their writings very illustrative. They’ve written about choice of identity on multiple levels. For starters, they believe a lot of elven spirits have actively chosen to incarnate into human bodies. More provocatively, and more interesting to me, they’ve stated multiple times that simply wanting to be an elf means you are an elf.

This is in contrast to the therian community on AHWw, where there was a big focus on involuntary shifts and theorizing on why some people were born with and animal side. I think it’s reasonable to assume this focus on involuntary experiences is due to the werewolf narrative that the community stemmed from. In werewolf media, a person’s wolfish side is rarely, if ever, a choice, while in new age and spiritual communities, like that of the Silver Elves, there’s a greater emphasis on choice of spirituality and subsequently on choice of identity.

It wouldn’t be right to say that every therian back then shared the same idea; however, the idea that involuntary shifts are a core trait of therianthropy does seem to persist in the AHWw’s userbase. Nearly all introduction posts include a line about involuntary shifts. Another idea that repeats itself is that the therian either had a “sudden awakening” or “just always knew” they were animalistic; contrasted with the Silver Elves’ idea that simply wanting to be an elf is enough for you to be one.

There are two main ideas about origins that seem to persist in all of this: That one is either born nonhuman or becomes nonhuman. Both are equally true. The ‘born-this-way’-narrative is quite a bit more common than the ‘becoming’-narrative, though that’s not to say that the idea of becoming nonhuman is rare, or even all that controversial in most communities - with a few caveats, that is.

The idea that one can become nonhuman tends to rest on the idea that what we become is outside our control. On the more metaphysical side of things there are stories of people being spiritually transformed into an animal after encounters with an animal spirit, or of having a shard of a god put into them. And on the more mundane side, there are stories of imprinting on a species during early development, or of taking on the experiences of a character after being engrossed in a piece of media. Most people I’ve talked to don’t have a problem with these ideas of ‘becoming’ as something outside your control.

What really gets people’s goat is when someone describes specific choices they’ve made on their journey, which ultimately led to their nonhuman identity.

This finally leads to the theme of this lecture: The topic of choice itself and how we categorize others based on the perceived amount of choice or chance there’s been in the development of their identity.

Questions I’ll discuss include: What kind of choices do we have regarding our identities? What the heck does ‘choice’ even mean in this context? And how does the idea of choice (or lack of choice) affect the way our community functions?

There are many kinds of choices that we inarguably do make on our journey of self-discovery. Probably the first universal choice is to undertake the journey and to seek out a nonhuman community. Choices that naturally follow include choice of labeling - whether we want to call ourselves otherkin, therian, fictionkin, nonhuman, and so on - and the choice to accept or reject whatever feelings caused us to seek out a nonhuman community in the first place. In this line of thinking, being otherkin is a choice - you choose to label yourself as otherkin. However, the feelings, on which you base your decision to label yourself, are not a choice. The feelings that pushed you towards the community were already there.

Another choice that follows pretty naturally in this line of thinking is the choice to strengthen whatever connections you already have. This is something I’m intimately familiar with, as I’ve been doing it since I awakened as a bison. Before I even became aware of my species identity, I knew I was nonhuman. I’d been having simultaneous bison and gnoll feelings for a few years, but couldn’t separate them, and had, without much introspection, decided that I must be some weird kind of wolf. I think a lot of us with uncommon theriotypes have gone through a phase like that.

However, one day I experienced a very strong flashing image - basically a flashback - of being physically a bison. The vision was so vivid and tactile, I immediately knew what it meant, and for the next few weeks I ignored every experience that wasn’t quite bison in nature, and just examined the recognizably bovine feelings. This helped strengthen my bison identity, and in total my questioning process only took around 2 months.

Though I’ve settled in my identity as a bison, and I’m comfortable referring to myself as a bison, I never quit reinforcing it. While I didn’t create the original bison-like feelings, I’m very conscious of the fact that I do choose to connect every trait to my bisonhood that I can. Whether I see the traits as a cause of my current bisonhood, or a result of it, things like being stubborn, preferring physical fights over verbal ones, and even liking the taste of those Beanboozled jellybeans that are supposed to taste like grass… all these traits, that any human could have, are things I connect to my identity as a bison.

I’ve experienced some pushback towards this idea from a few therian communities. A very common rebuttal I’ve run into in introduction threads and grilling threads (which, introduction threads should never be grilling threads in my opinion, but that’s another story)… a very common rebuttal to considering these kinds of traits part of your nonhuman identity is: “Isn’t that just a regular human thing?”

I have so many problems with that question, I’m honestly not sure where to even begin. Yes, those traits are experienced by humans all the time. I think some of the only experiences in the community that regular humans don’t experience are, perhaps, species dysphoria and shifting. But if your identity began and ended with having dysphoria and experiencing shifts, it would hardly qualify as an identity. Treating an identity like just the sum of its parts, rather than a whole and complicated construct, is reductive and it doesn’t just hinder discussion, it stifles discussions.

I don’t know, maybe I’m the odd one here, but my whole nonhuman identity can not be encompassed by my horn dysphoria or the fact that I sometimes feel more like a prey animal than an apex predator. My identity is so much more than that. It’s how I view the world and how I view myself in relation to the world. It’s how I react to things, what I like and dislike, and what I want out of my life. When you envision an identity in this way, as a way to describe who you are, rather than a summary of every individual thing you experience, you absolutely will see some overlap with humans, like it or not.

Another reason I dislike the question “Aren’t those just human traits?” is that it’s often asked in communities where the consensus is that you were born nonhuman, and that your identity is somehow more real or ‘valid’ if it can be corroborated by childhood memories.

While looking back at your childhood and seeing how your current identity might have formed or changed throughout the years can help paint a picture of the identity as a whole, that kind of reminiscence should always be secondary to what you are currently experiencing. Your identity is not based on the fact that you played dog when you were a toddler. Pretty much every human child has played dog or been obsessed with cats or wished they were a dragon. It might be related to your current identity, but if those were your primary nonhuman experiences you would hardly consider yourself nonhuman, nor would you find a home in the community.

No, your identity is based on who and what you are right now, and what you’re experiencing this moment. The validity of your identity should not be judged based on the number of times you pretended to be that creature in kindergarten. Your kintype should be determined based on your current experiences. And if your current experiences include things that humans can also go through, that should have no impact on the validity of your identity.

Alright, back on topic: Hopefully, we can agree that there’s no shame in strengthening your connections, reinforcing what traits you already have, and in drawing connections between a nonhuman identity and seemingly human traits. Which is a nice segue into a statement that might ruffle a few feathers:

Linktypes are typically based on preexisting traits that are reinforced to fit a certain narrative or ideal. A copinglink or an otherlink is rarely if ever pulled out of thin air. You just can’t craft an identity from nothing. Yeah, crazy, I know?

This parallels otherkin identities, which, as I mentioned earlier, are based on preexisting experiences and connections that one chooses to give a name and to strengthen.

The process of becoming a linker usually starts with recognizing certain traits that one either wants, or already has but wants to reinforce, by focusing them through a linktype. For example, wanting to become better at handling stress can be difficult to accomplish on its own, but is made easier by thinking about what a specific character or animal would do in a stressful situation.

But you can’t just establish a connection to any given character. There needs to be a resonance between you and the linktype, and if you don’t already have that resonance with the character, it’s impossible for you to craft an identity around them. And in that sense you could easily argue that there is an involuntary aspect to linktypes.

Once the prospective linker has recognized a connection with a character, they will begin the process of reinforcing the identity, which can include anything from writing fanfics in 1st person to wearing clothes reminiscent of the character to asking people to treat you like the character. All things that an otherkin or fictionkind might do when first establishing their identity.

A key trait of linking is that a linktype should fade away once you stop reinforcing it… Linktypes are supposed to go away if you just ignore them and push them away long enough. They’re built to be temporary.

However, a significant number of linkers or former linkers have talked about their linktype becoming an inseparable part of how they view themselves - even the ones who might be able to force their linktype away would at this point become completely different people if they did so.

In other words, their linktype has become an inherent part of who they are as a person. This integrality can appear regardless of how much effort they put into creating the linktype in the first place, and regardless of how nonexistent the linktype was before they created it… What I’m getting at is that some people describe creating an identity from scratch by their own choice, which later becomes an irreversibly ingrained part of them. It’s an experience completely contrary to the idea that we are born nonhuman. I’ll refer to these people as ‘linkers-turned-kin’.

There are a few regular rebuttals I’ve seen to this idea: That linkers-turned-kin just had a late awakening. Or that, perhaps, they felt compelled by their inner true species to seek out the identity. Or even that they were actually born nonhuman, but just didn’t realize until later.

All these rebuttals are disrespectful of the linker-turned-kin’s experiences and intelligence. I won’t even try to hide it: They make me angry. The rebuttals ride on the idea that the born-this-way idea of nonhuman identities is a fact rather than a common belief. I know that for a lot of people the born-this-way narrative rings true. I see you and I am not trying to invalidate your beliefs. Instead, I want you to acknowledge that others may not have the same belief as you. For several people in our community otherkinity is an identity that develops in response to certain traits they have - for some, those traits are inherent, something they’re born with. For others they’re traits that developed later in life, or that were worked towards. And I want to argue that, for some, these traits were expressly chosen.

The reason these arguments against linker-turned-kin make me so angry, aside from the fact that they’re built on the idea that linkers-turned-kin don’t understand their own experiences, and the assumption that your idea of how nonhuman identities work trumps someone’s lived experience… Another reason the arguments make me so angry is that they prescribe more importance to the why than the how of our identity. When you define otherkin by the way our identity formed, you’re basically saying that the cause of otherkinity is more important than the experience of otherkinity.

We can’t talk about this without also exploring the community’s animosity towards psychological beliefs.

Through my years in the community, I feel like I’ve had to handhold some folks through the concept of religious tolerance. I remember a little over 4 years ago someone on tumblr asked me my opinion on fictionkind - it would be another 2 years before I had my own awakening, so my response was basically that I was fine with fictionkind, though I didn’t understand their experiences and the only way it could fit into my own worldview was as a psychological phenomenon. Even after my awakening, the latter still holds true. My fictionkinity is primarily psychological. But yeah, somehow my statement that I didn’t believe fictionkinity was caused by past lives got twisted into me saying that fictionkind were all just roleplayers.

Rereading the whole debacle that ensued, this twisting of my words had little to nothing to do with my own personal beliefs - it instead exposed a widespread antipathy towards psychological otherkin. When I have talked about my current experiences as a gnoll, my shifts and my flashbacks and my hiraeth, people generally accept it without a second thought. But when I mention that I believe it’s caused by various psychological phenomena, I have on multiple occasions been told that it must not be a real identity. Some people have even treated my parallel life as just an elaborate fantasy, rather than something that’s completely real to me. I have, word for word, been told that there’s no way I could identify as a nonhuman, or be another species than a human, without believing I have a nonhuman soul. A direct quote: “To say “I am fae” when [you] don’t believe in fae is illogical.”

What I take from these kinds of responses is that a subset of people within our community take it for granted that whatever beliefs someone has about the origin of their identity are objectively true, rather than understanding that our beliefs about our origins are just that: Beliefs. Whatever conclusion we’ve reached based on our experiences, reincarnation or imprinting or something else entirely, and no matter how much we believe in it, it will always be a belief and never a fact. I’m fully convinced that my bison identity is caused by a past life, and that my gnoll and Ben 10 identities are caused by various psychological phenomena. But if that doesn’t fit into someone else’s worldview, they have all the right in the world to explain it away however they want. I have friends who believe my bison identity must be caused by something psychological, and I have friends who believe my gnoll identity must be caused by something spiritual. That is their prerogative.

It doesn’t matter how people make sense of my nonhumanity, as long as they’re respectful towards my own experiences with my identity and don’t try to impose their beliefs on me. If you have to quietly believe that someone really has a faerie soul in order to accept that they’re really a fae, so be it. As long as you don’t try to deny the reality of their current identity. As long as you don’t try to claim that they aren’t really nonhuman, just because they have the quote-unquote “wrong” beliefs about their origin.

There is another, more recent and more prominent, example of the animosity towards psychological otherkin that comes to mind. I will not mention the term itself for fear of people harassing its creator. For the purpose of this lecture, I’ll refer to the concept as “nonhuman by birth”, which is essentially its meaning. If you know which word I’m talking about, I ask that you please don’t mention it in the chat. If you need to know, you can DM me. Also, don’t misunderstand this as me hating on people with past life or soul beliefs. Remember, my own bison identity is based on a soul from a past life.

So, last year a rather old community member on tumblr coined a term, separate from ‘otherkin’, to refer specifically to those who believe they have a nonhuman soul. Which wouldn’t be a problem in and of itself. After all, terms like animafidem and cerebrumalius have been around for half a decade with no issues. However, “nonhuman by birth” is specifically described in its coining post as a “less bastardized” alternative to the word ‘otherkin’. What this post describes as “less bastardized” is spiritual experiences, and specifically those spiritual experiences that are based on soul transfers and reincarnation. Essentially “nonhuman by birth” defines all other beliefs as bastardizations of what otherkinity is supposed to be. All beliefs, including spiritual beliefs that aren’t based on souls or past lives, psychological beliefs, beliefs of becoming nonhuman, beliefs based on magic, neurological beliefs, and archetypal beliefs… None of these are quote-unquote “true otherkin” according to the “nonhuman by birth” concept.

The word thankfully never gained much traction off tumblr, but I have seen individuals use it, and it always, without fail, makes me feel unwelcome, and unwanted. Not because there’s anything wrong with a strong belief in past lives or souls, but because those who choose to use that label specifically believe themselves to be the only true nonhumans. Because the term itself is not based on a respectful, individual belief, but on what its coiner believes to be an objective fact. Because this subset of our community has an almost-evangelical conviction that all nonhumans have nonhuman souls, and those who don’t have nonhuman souls are not nonhuman.

And like I mentioned earlier: The cause of otherkinity can affect the experience a lot. That’s why we have these discussions in the first place - we come together due to our similarities, and we try to understand each other and ourselves by discussing our differences. And this is exactly why proclaiming any version of nonhumanity as the One True Kind of Nonhumanity is so damaging. It completely stifles any exchange of ideas. It makes it impossible for us to understand our differences, and it leads to more and more narrowly defined subcommunities that all believe themselves to be more real than the others.

To define is to limit. We need some limitations, otherwise a dog is a cat and no words have meaning. But we need to be extremely careful where we want those limits to be, otherwise we end up with a community where psychological otherkin are bastards, and only those who are born with nonhuman souls are really nonhuman.

The next thing I want to discuss is subjective truth… Subjective truth is one of the most important concepts to understand and really internalize if we wanna have fruitful discussions and respectful experience sharing. In short, a subjective truth is something that is not real because it can be proven to exist through scientific measurements but is instead real because a person experiences it as real. If I make the claim that tea tastes better than coffee, for example, you cannot refute that simply because you think coffee tastes better. We have to understand each other’s experiences and accept that we experience the world in different ways. It’s equally true to say that coffee is better than tea and that tea is better than coffee. This is what I was talking about when I said that the “born-this-way”-narrative and the becoming-narrative are equally true.

So, how does subjective truth apply to this discussion?

A phenomenon in the community I’m sure we’re all aware of is kin memories. If you’re somehow not aware of them, in short they are images, episodes, sensory information, and similar experiences that are thought to stem from another life, usually a past life. They have all the qualia of a memory, except they didn’t happen to the body currently recalling them. These experiences, though, are not restricted to those who believe their nonhumanity stems from a past life. They aren’t even restricted to spiritual otherkin. Plenty of folks with psychological beliefs, mixed beliefs, and other beliefs report the exact same experience: Images, episodes, and sensory information that does not originate from this world or from this current life.

For decades there’s been a lexical gap in the community to describe these memories that aren’t memories. Which is where I can’t avoid tooting my own horn a bit. I have an extremely rich and detailed parallel life as a gnoll, from which I can quote-unquote “recall” events, people, traditions, names, and so much more. It’s all integral to my nonhuman identity.

However, because I believe it all stems from some deep unconscious part of my brain, and because it feels like a parallel life, not a past life, I never felt right calling these things memories. So almost two years ago at this point, I undertook the quest to fill that lexical gap. And after looking through dozens of obscure web pages and dictionaries and articles, I found something useful: The word ‘noema’. Noema is a rarely used Greek word that translates to concept, idea, perception, or thought. And I’ve been very happy to see the term catching on in my corner of the community, where it’s often used as a broader alternative to ‘memory’.

In philosophy, a noema is defined as “the perceived as it is perceived.” At first this might sound a bit vague or esoteric, but when looked at through the lens of subjective truth it suddenly starts to make sense. A subjective truth is something that’s real just because a person experiences it as real. A noema is the perceived as it is perceived. So when we’re using noema as a substitute for memory… when we’re discussing memory-like experiences in the community and we explicitly refer to them as noemata, instead of referring to them as memories, the actual cause of the noema is then irrelevant. The only thing that matters is that it’s in one way or another perceived as a memory. When talking about noemata, it’s completely and utterly irrelevant if they’re real in any objective way - the only thing that matters is that the individual experiences the noema as real. Essentially the word ‘noema’ makes the cause irrelevant, so we can instead focus on the experience alone.

And I think the fact that this word has caught on (at least on tumblr) hints that our community might be moving in a positive direction. I at least dream of a community where we care a lot less about our origins, and a lot more about our actual presence in the world.

I had a conversation with a friend a few months ago, about this community-wide worry about the origins of our identity. And just to reiterate, I’m not saying your spiritual beliefs are irrelevant, because they can be really important when forming a whole picture of your identity. I’m more so saying they can be a bit of a distraction. In my opinion, the whole discussion about spirituality vs psychology is a red herring. Most of us didn’t seek out the community because we had certain spiritual beliefs. We sought it out because we felt not-quite-human, and it was only later that we reached any conclusions about why we feel nonhuman.

So, my friend and I talked about the role this discussion of origins plays in our community, and we reached a few interesting conclusions. For starters, it’s really upsetting to some folks to have to earnestly consider the idea that reincarnated souls are no more real or ‘valid’ than psychological imprinting, or any other non-spiritual beliefs for that matter. That’s part of what started the whole ‘nonhuman by birth’ idea I mentioned earlier. And it seems this uncomfortableness stems from a place of insecurity.

At the risk of offending some folks, I’m gonna draw a parallel to the trans community. In the trans community there’s a discussion of origins that parallels the one in the kin community and is likewise an attempt to draw lines between the quote-unquote ‘real’ trans people and the so-called transtrenders - which are supposedly people who pretend to be trans for clout. Those who attempt to draw these lines proclaim that being trans is a medical condition that they wouldn’t wish on their worst enemy, and one that’s marked by intense dysphoria and stress. They’ll also regularly state that being trans is only real or ‘valid’ because it has been proven through MRI brain scans that some female-assigned people have supposedly male brains, and vice versa.

(And just to make things clear, those brain scans are not real. It’s malicious pseudoscience spread by people who want to ‘cure’ transness by preventing trans kids from being born.)

But I think this attempt at validating your identity - in this case with science - stems from a dislike of one’s own traits, or more likely from the outside world’s dislike of those traits. When certain trans people try to prove themselves more valid than others in the eyes of the public, it’s not because they just hate those they deem ‘not trans enough’ - it’s because they’re afraid of being rejected by the rest of the world. These people are basically saying: “I didn’t choose to be trans. This is how I was born, so you have to accept it because it’s unchangeable.” It’s a cry for acceptance in an unaccepting world. And all this is not to say that some trans people aren’t born trans; I really think most trans people have a narrative like that. I’m more so trying to get across that, someone else’s narrative of choice should have no impact on your narrative of involuntarity. Both are real ways to experience being trans. And in many ways, having a narrative of choosing to be trans is necessary for the community, because it closes the doors for eugenicists who would try to eliminate quote-unquote “the trans gene”.

Viewing transness as a purely medical phenomenon where you need to meet certain requirements to get a trans diagnosis is a really reductive way to look at identity. Like I mentioned earlier: An identity is not just the sum of its parts, and it cannot be summarized by being forced to feel dysphoria. The fact of the matter is that we don’t know trans people are real because we have brain imaging technology, or even because certain people meet the medical criteria for having gender dysphoria. We know trans people are real because there are real people who identify as trans. We should be able to trust that people are trans when they tell us they are. And I think we need to look at nonhuman identities the same way.

Before I move on to the conclusion, I want to explain why this topic has become so important to me. A couple of months ago, after a good year or two of introspection, I realized I had created a hearttype. Not a kintype, but nonetheless an equally integral part of how I view myself and engage with the world. And changing something so fundamental about myself sent my thoughts racing.

When I was a kid I picked up a fear of spiders. It wasn’t bad enough to give me panic attacks, but it was bad enough that I couldn’t pick up a spider and carry it outside, even though I could do so with other bugs. I was around 10 years old when I decided that this was dumb, and I wanted to change it. So as a tween I quickly started on my own exposure therapy, looking at photos of spiders, reading about them, photographing them in nature, and after several years it had gotten to the point where I barely had a reaction to seeing them. But as I continued on, getting used to the idea of holding them and touching them, something changed in me.

Where I had previously felt fear, I started to feel admiration and love and a sense of familiarity. I wanted to surround myself with these animals, I wanted to work with them, and I started spending a not-insignificant amount of money on terrariums. And now, after more than a decade of rewriting my own thoughts and changing a mild fear into a love so deep it affects my sense of identity itself, I feel confident saying I created a hearttype. It was not an easy process. Like I said, it took more than a decade. Changing your entire mindset like that can’t be done with just a snap of your fingers. But evidently, some people are able to do it.

Though I have to add that, even here, it’s very easy to argue that there was some level of involuntarity. I already had an emotional response to spiders when I was scared of them. I don’t think I could form this kind of relationship with something I’m completely indifferent to, like, I dunno, a Toyota or a Marvel character. You can’t really form a relationship from nothing. And I appreciate this argument, because it really highlights just how confusing the entire concept of choice is, and how it doesn’t make sense to define ourselves by our lack of choice, when we can’t even define what counts as a choice.

But yeah, realizing that I created a hearttype, an identity that at the time was considered involuntary… realizing that I didn’t just play a part in creating this identity, but that I did create it, period. It sent my mind spinning, and I couldn’t stop thinking about what else might be possible. If I could create such love in myself, could I also do the opposite and tear down my own hearttype and recreate the phobia? Not something I want to test. But I think I could. And which other identities could be created like this?

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that the creation process has no impact on the nature of the identity itself, and I ended up posting a really controversial thing on tumblr. In hindsight I understand why some people got so pissed off about it, but I still stand by those thoughts. I’ll read it to you in full: “Theoretically I probably could force myself to not be otherkin. But it would take a decade or more, the way my hearttype creation did, and it would require constant work throughout those years. However, I see no way I wouldbenefit from that work, the way I did when I unintentionally created a hearttype in the process of getting rid of a phobia. It would just rid me of a part of myself that’s intrinsic to how I recognize myself. That’s not something I in any way want - and because I don’t want it, and because the choice would have to happen continuously on a timescale I can barely comprehend, I couldn’t make that choice in practicality.”

A very long and very complicated discussion came out of this post that I’d need a whole separate lecture to recap. But a few important ideas were developed, which I need to mention here. For starters, when discussing shadowwork and the Jungian archetypes, Jasper accidentally coined the term ego alteration. Through that discussion we ended up defining ego alteration as the process by which you proactively alter your conscious mind, your self-perception, and your thought-patterns. It’s not something to be taken lightly, as you’ll essentially be changing your sense of self by it. And it’s also not something everyone has the ability, desire, or drive to do. To integrate something into your sense of self, or to remove something that’s currently a part of your sense of self is serious business, and, like my hearttype creation, is something that should be thought about on a decades long timescale. I don’t have time to get in-depth about it here, but to consciously change your identity and your sense of self is definitely possible for some folks, and it’s nice to have a name for the concept.

Something else that came of that discussion is my own thoughts about how we define otherkin. The most common definition I’ve seen is “to identify, wholly or partially, as something nonhuman on a nonphysical level, by no choice of your own.” … I suggest we drop the last bit.

Okay, it’s a bit more complicated than just deleting a few words. In order to drop the “by no choice of your own” bit, without losing the meaning of otherkinity completely, and letting kin for fun take over, we’d need to rethink that entire definition.

Instead of defining otherkin by the amount of choice we had in the formation of our identity, I suggest we define otherkin by how integral our identities are to us. It was briefly mentioned on in one of the other panels (though I forget which one), but a pretty big source of conflict is that kin for fun just don’t understand the gravity of otherkin identities. If we define otherkinity as something that’s inseparable from who we are as individuals, it would not only make it clear to kin for fun that this is, well, not for fun. It would also get around the problem of people who worry that their identities might be invalid because they’ve made certain choices.

Your otherkinity is inherent, and by that I mean you would be a fundamentally different person if not for your kintype. At its most basic level, your kintype is what you recognize yourself to be. It’s the kind you belong to, rather than, or in tandem with, belonging to humankind. You kintype is an intrinsic part of you, and even if you could get rid of it, it would fundamentally change who you are is a person. If you chose not to be otherkin, you would also choose not to be you. In that sense, I suppose otherkinity is involuntary, in that you yourself can’t choose not to be otherkin, because as soon as you make that choice, you aren’t you. Though you could also argue that it is a choice because you wake up every day and choose to be you. And thus, the topic of choice leaves us running around in circles like it always has.

Being otherkin… being otherkind has never been about being forced to feel species dysphoria. It’s about being of another kind. It’s about knowing and recognizing humankind, and accepting that, in one way or another, that does not describe us.

And all this is not to say that copinglinking shouldn’t be a concept, but we need to rethink that as well. From the very few copinglink writings that exist, one topic I’ve seen several times is the idea of copinglinks becoming inseparable from you. This is not the point of links, and those who do go through a change like that find themselves more at home in the kin community than the link community. I don’t want to impose myself on linkers, but if we want these two words to make sense and have a use, we need to redefine both. I suggest defining copinglinks and otherlinks by their lack of integrality or by their ability to be dropped when necessary.

The line that has been drawn between otherkin and copinglinkers doesn’t help anyone as it is. There are far too many nonhumans who straddle the line, who feel torn between either community, or who only call themselves linkers because they feel pressured to do so. There are far too many nonhumans who don’t feel like they have a community they can call home.

So, I’m gonna propose a new and much more inclusive definition: To be otherkin is to identify as something nonhuman on an inherent or integral level. There you go, clean and simple. No more caveats or nested sentences.

#otherkin #otherkind #fictionkin #fictionkind #alterhuman #othercon #i don't think this is gonna show in the tags so reblogs are very appreciated

174 notes · View notes

rebeccccccaaa · 3 years

Text

🅑🅐🅓 🅑🅞🅨

__________________________________

🅢🅣🅔🅥🅔 🅡🅞🅖🅔🅡🅢 🅧 🅡🅔🅐🅓🅔🅡

🅡🅔🅠🅤🅔🅢🅣: Aa, idk if your requests are open, but I *love* you sex pollen fics! I was wondering if you'd be able to write one with a dom reader? I don't mind what character, but they get affected by the pollen and are really subby ect? ❤️✨

🅦🅐🅡🅝🅘🅝🅖🅢: brief graphic violence, Smut 18+ (slight bondage, degradation, begging, dom!reader, edging, male masterbation, overstimulation, mommy kink, dom/sub), kinda fluffy aftercare for steve

🅐🅤🅣🅗🅞🅡’🅢 🅝🅞🅣🅔: girl i am not dominant! omlll i hope this was ok, i really tried to step out of my comfort zone a bit with this one but i don’t know if it’s dommy enough :( but i hope it’s what you were hoping for :) it’s long but i think it’s worth the read teehee

__________________________________

“Steve are you alright?” you asked him as he emerged from the greenhouse. He was thrown through the glass roof by high tech Hydra weapons. There was yellow dust clouding his nose and eyes and it looked uncomfortable.

“Yeah, let’s finish this mission and get back!” he started running with you.

Hydra agents flooding in the room stalling you and Steve from getting back to the quinjet. As you were fighting you looked over to Steve to make sure he was still doing alright, you noticed how much more aggressive he was fighting. He smashed their heads in and broke their bones; it was much more violent than how Steve normally fought.

That was something you expected from Nat or Bucky, their lives were violent before the Avengers but Steve was all about stealth and less casualties so seeing him so brutal and cruel was somewhat frightening.

“Steve. Steve!” you pulled him from his rampage.

“What!”

“What’s going on?” you yelled.

“Nothing! Let’s just get back to the quinjet,” he huffed and left.

The ride back home was quiet except for the heavy breathing and grunting that came from Steve practically every minute. You wanted to yell at him for being an annoying little shit but you knew he would rip you apart if you yelled at him again.

Suddenly you received a phone coming in from Tony Stark.

“Hey Tony. We’re on our way back already,” you said.

“Good. We uh, we noticed the Hydra Greenhouse was destroyed, did either you guys go in there or fight anyone in there?” he asked; one the Shield agents reported it to the Avengers Tower.

“Oh yeah Steve was thrown in there through the roof but he's fine now, I think. He’s being extra mean to me though,” you sassed, making Steve roll his eyes as he was eavesdropping.

“Mean? How?” Tony asked.

“Well, he’s being really aggressive. Dude got so angry all of the sudden,” you responded.

“Ok, we’ll talk again you guys get back,” he said and hung up.

When you guys landed Steve had a stern expression and walked uncomfortably to the lab where Tony and the rest of the team were waiting. You and Steve had been sent on the mission alone and it seems like something happened that everyone but you two were aware of.

“What’s going on?” you asked.

Tony and Bruce walked up to Steve and inspected his face. He still had bits of golden pollen stuck to his eyelashes and the tip of his nose. Steve swatted Tony’s hand away and practically growled in anger. His jaw was clenched so tight the muscle bulged from his head.

“He got hit,” Thor said.

“Got hit with what?” Steve saidly rudely.

“The pollen. Hydra confided a greenhouse in Moscow, where you guys were, to experiment on a specific species of flowers found in other galaxies for… breeding. It makes the victim completely lust driven until they well, breed,” Bruce explained.

“What?” you started laughing.

“Is he gonna be impossibly horny now?” you smirked, making Steve roll his eyes.

“The effects can be detrimental to humans when untreated but since Steve has the super soldier serum I’m not sure what could happen,” Thor spoke up.

“How are you feeling Steve?” Nat asked, walking up to him.

“I’m fine,” Steve said.

“Maybe we should take some tests?” Bruce asked.

“No, no, no! Guys I’m fine,” Steve bargain.

“Are you sure?” Bucky asked him.

“Yeah, if I start feeling weird, I’ll come back to the lab, deal?” he said; everyone was skeptical about him considering you reported that Steve became suddenly more aggressive than ever before. It might’ve had something to do with the effects of the pollen.

“Maybe you should just stay. Tony and Bruce can monitor you and you won’t-”

“Nat, I’ll be fine,” Steve interrupted.

“Ok.”

Steve wasn’t fine.

It’s been a few hours since you and Steve got back from the mission and Steve was in excruciating pain. He felt so embarrassed he could even walk to the door without desperately wishing the floor would open up and swallow him.

He had a boner and there was no way in a million years Steve was gonna let anyone catch him like that. Steve spent almost two hours in the shower alone fisting his cock desperate to cum and make it go away but nothing was working.

He even thought about you and you were getting him close but to have you in person would’ve been the cherry on top. Since the stupid enter his system images and thoughts of you and you alone were the only thing he could think about. But there was no way you’d ever have sex with him, even if his life depended on it.

Steve wasn’t really particularly nice to you. And today especially the pollen making him horny as fuck for you made easily aggitated because he could’t get a release. And the serum amplified everything, so he got instantly hit with the effects but played it off thinking it wasn’t going to feel this awful by now.

But again, that didn’t stop him from thinking about your body and how beautiful you were to him; even way before today. Steve always thought relationships should stay out of a workplace especially one so demanding like yours. He knew it was stupid because Wanda and Vision were doing alright, and so was Tony and Pepper.

He told himself that only because his relationship with Sharon was quite awful. But he wanted to try again and try a relationship with you. He wanted to make you laugh, wake up next to you and make breakfast with you together. Maybe even dominate him? Steve had always wanted to try that but Sharon was very vanilla; and you were quite the controlling person, it was sexy as hell he thought.

A knock on the door pulled him out his thoughts of you. He pulled his sweatpants up and opened the door just a crack to avoid practically flashing his guest with his very prominent boner.

“Hey just checking in. it’s been a while since you left the lab, and no one’s seen you come out of your room,” it was you. Steve almost moaned at the sight of you but kept somewhat composure processing what you were saying.

“Yeah, I’m alright,” he stuttered.

“You’re alright?” you said condescendingly.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” he pushed out.

“You’re fine,” you whispered, crossing your arms.

“You know the walls are thin,” you smirked.

The small smile on his face dropped because he was sure that you heard his little escapades in the shower.

“So here’s my offer, since it was my name you were so desperately moaning I can either fix your little, well, big problem or I can walk away and tell Tony and everyone else that not only are you experiencing the symptoms of the sex pollen plant that you supposed notify Tony and Bruce in the first place but that you’re also so desperate to fuck me as much as you pretend to deny it,” you spoke smoothly.

Steve breathed out heavily before opening the door defeated letting you in. You smirked excitedly walking into Steve’s room. You would be lying if you said you weren’t completely head over heels for the guy. And that beard you convinced him to grow wasn’t helping your attraction either.

“Strip,” you commanded.

“Pardon?” he quirked an eyebrow.

“Steve, oh baby, tsk, tsk, tsk,” you shook your head, walking up to

“What?”

“You're going to do everything that I ask you to do and the minute you disobey me, I walk out and let you suffer,” you whispered to him, “Got it?”

He nodded. Probably more eager than he meant it to be, which made you giggle.

“So as I said before, strip,” you repeated.

Steve took his shirt off followed by his sweats leaving him in his boxers in front of you.

“Don’t make me repeat myself,” you said sternly.

Steve took his boxers off leaving him completely in the nude; his cock stood tall against his stomach and you were impressed. The sight of him made you grow wet but you are so going to have your fun with him before you even think about taking even your shirt off.

“Get on your knees,” you told him.

Steve didn’t hesitate to kneel in front of you; his dick getting harder with each passing second. The pollen started to affect his mind more now that you were in his proximity. His mind was getting cloudy and all he could start to think about was your delicious scent that made him want to simply ravish you unconditionally.

“How are you feeling?” you mocked him.

“Please,” he whimpered.

“Please what?”

“Please touch me,” he begged.

“Aw, you want me to touch you? Like a little slut? Huh?”

Your words made him whimper and moan.

“Well, someone was being a bad boy today. First you yelled at me when I was trying to help, then you lied to Tony who was also trying to help, and then I find out about your pathetic little crush on me. I don’t think you get what you want just yet, baby.”

You grabbed his chin and sat him on the bed you kneel in front of him, his dick in front of your face aching to be touched. Steve resisted the urge to move his hips towards as you resisted the urge to touch him and pleasure him. But like before, you wanted to have a bit of fun.

“Hm, I want you to keep begging me,” you stood up abruptly, making Steve whimper.

“Please, Y/n, I need you to touch, please it hurts.”

You squinted to eyes unimpressed.

“Mommy, please,” Steve’s hands reached out to you and pulled close. You almost got upset for him touching you without your permission but when he lifted your shirt and pressed delicate little kisses in your tummy you almost caved.

“Mommy; I like it,” you pushed his shoulders down so he laid on the bed.

You walked back a bit putting distance in between you and took off your shirt leaving a bra on; one you had specifically put on because it made you feel the sexiest. Steve’s eyes widen slightly before drooping completely admiring the skin you put on display for him; even if it's just your shoulders and stomach for now.

“Touch yourself,” you commanded.

Steve reached down and quickly stroked his cock; his hands moving up and down rapidly chasing his release. You moved your hand to your breast and squeezed one just to tease Steve some more; biting your lip seductively.

Steve’s moans got louder and with you standing right there teasing him and mocking him, he was finally, after hours of trying to climax, he was finally reaching the edge. You watched him closely and when his hand began to stutter you spoke up.

“Stop.”

“What?” he breathed out.

“You heard me.”

You did this for an hour and a half. Now you sat naked on the sofa chair in his room rubbing your fingers on your clit about to cum for the third time while Steve still had yet to cum. They were tears running down his distressed face. Whimpers and whines and moans choked out of him as he was being edged for far too long than he’d like.

“You ready, my fucking man whore,” you stalked up to him.

“Please, mommy. Please fuck me, I need so bad,” Steve reached for you with shaky hands.

“You’re so fucking cute when you beg,” you mocked, straddling his hips.

Steve’s hands rubbed your thighs and you lined his cock with your entrance. You sunk down and moaned already so sensitive from your previous orgasms. Your hands rested against Steve’s chest as he screwed his eye shut; an overwhelming sensation coming over him.

You rocked your hips back and forth rubbing your clit against his pelvis bringing you close to your final orgasm. Steve whimpered under you and moaned beautifully. His hips bucked up into you ferociously hitting a particular spot that made you moan loudly and high pitched.

“Fuck, Stevie. Your cock feels so good,” you leaned down to whisper.

“Fuck I’m so close,” he cried.

“You wanna come? You wanna come inside me?” you teased.

“Please mommy, let me come, please,” he begged.

“You gonna be a good boy if I do?”

“Yes!”

“Go on, baby boy. Come for me.”

Steve came with a shout of your name and you felt the hot spurts of cum coating your walls making you come in time with him. Steve's chest had a layer of sweat of the flushed redden skin. He panted under you, his body shaking vigorously but his face had a small smile and his hands rubbed your back and cheeks when you fell forward after climaxing.

“Holy fuck, I think that did it,” Steve chuckled.

“I had a great time,” you laughed.

You got up and went to his bathroom to grab a washcloth soaked with warm water and a bit of soap. You went back to Steve cleaning his pelvis and dick that slick with yours and his cum. His body was still trembling but not as drastic as before, and when you placed the warm washcloth on his skin his body jerked lightly.

As you cleaned him you pressed soft kisses to his stomach and chest making him sigh in content. You went back and cleaned yourself privately and came out with a new washcloth slightly less warm to cool his skin down since his body got very hot from being edged for the past hour and half and not even being able to get close all day before you came.

He stayed still, eyes focused to the ceiling feeling solace by your soft touch cleaning him up. When you finished you gathered your clothes to dress yourself so you could leave him to rest and then the next pretend like nothing of this happened.

“Hey wait,” he said, making you look at him trying your best to cover your modesty. You played a part and now that the small agreement was over you felt a bit shy under Steve’s gaze who still looked at you lustfully.

“Don’t you wanna stay?” he said softly.

“I didn’t think you wanted me to,” you smiled sadly. You did genuinely like him; even when he wasn’t particularly nice to you sometimes. But you didn’t think he felt the same way even after the effects of the pollen. You thought maybe he only desired you because you were the first person he laid eyes on when he got hit with the pollen.

“The pollen wore off, doll. Come to bed. You tired me out,” he laughed and moved in hands gesturing you to come to him.

“Why are you still being weird then?” you smiled softly.

“Get your ass in bed with me so we can cuddle; fuck you’re so stubborn.”

“I’m just trying to figure out why you’re so obsessed with me all of the sudden,” you teased.

“Doll, I’ve been obsessed since I laid my eyes on you,” he said closing his eyes, which made you gasp dramatically.

“You were dating Sharon when we met!”

“Sh! Go to sleep,” he buried his face in your neck.

“Ugh, bad boy,” you playfully hit him.

“Oh, don’t worry. I’ll get even with ya next time, and we’ll see who’s being bad then,” he whispered sensually making you excited. Maybe the pollen wasn’t such a bad thing.

Taglist:

@mathletemadison

#steve rogers #steve rogers smut #steve x reader #steve x y/n #steve rogers x reader #steve rogers x y/n #steve x you #steve rogers x you #steve rogers x female reader #dom!reader #sub!steve rogers #sex pollen #steve rogers sex pollen #marvel smut

894 notes · View notes

stuckybarton · 3 years

Text

Sucker For Pain i

SUMMARY: You were new to the team, but what everyone didn't know was you weren't so new to the God of Mischief. CHARACTERS: Loki Laufeyson x Ex!Reader [Ex to Lovers again?] WARNINGS: Profanities. Suggestive Themes. Slight Angst and horrible self-image. Grammar Mistakes. English not being my first language. [Not Beta’d tho] WORDS: 2,956 CHAPTERS: [1/3] A/N; Life happened and yeah, didn’t have much time to write. Not my best work for this mini-series, but I’m fighting through for this. Hope you guys enjoy~

PART TWO | PART THREE

MASTERLIST || Join the Taglist

"Agent Y/N Y/L/N." You introduced yourself the first moment you were escorted into the compound by Director Nick Fury. Multiple sets of faces both new and old had come to greet you. For a moment you wouldn't even believe that this is was the new life you would find yourself to be a part of from now on.

Years in the job for SHIELD before disappearing off the grid to get as much information about HYDRA, everyone had thought you had betrayed them and you had accepted that they would think so lowly of you after all the near-deaths you had to endure on the job. Even with the mission becoming more of a death wish, you had accepted the role Nick had given you all those years ago and now you were rewarded, immensely. A spot on the Avengers as part of the Earth's Mightiest Heroes.

The familiar face of Nat was the first to greet you with a hug. A fiercely tight one, it had been so long since you've seen a friend. Then your eyes fell towards the rest of the team; Bucky Barnes, who you had a few close encounters with during your time with HYDRA. You had witness everything they had done to him and stood on trail to clean his name. Steve Rogers, who, with Sharon Carter, had assisted in guarding Steve while SHIELD was still under HYDRA's control. But among the familiar faces, one stood out the most.

Loki Laufeyson.

To many, the man was a snake, a God that had once brought death and destruction in New York. But to you, he was different, this was the man that you had spent your lonely nights with while under the guise of a traitor. It had once just been a physically thing between the two of you, neither wanting to know about each other's lives. You knew he was a God, a man that had wronged the world, but he had never known about you, the woman that had painted yourself as a traitor for the better of the world. The one that had been called every name on the book for the sake of making sure you did your part right.

Then it got serious between the two of you. Admission of love was told between both of your lips. But it was dangerous for you two to be together especially when you were already told by Fury that you can come back to the surface. You didn't know what side he was on, and you did not have the heart to make him choose if the time would come.

So you two parted. A month ago. The pain still throbbing you like an unattended bullet hole right through your heart. It was still so painful to look at him and not remember him crumbling on his knees begging you to stay. The first sob that escaped his lips and forever haunted your dreams. A never-ending loop in the back of your head as your demons screamed at you for breaking an already broken man.

"I for one am happy you're finally here. Another woman to add to an already Man's Man world in the compound." Nat teased glancing towards the other individuals that had come to know the new face. "With introductions out of the way, you've got a lot of explaining to do for the past few years."

You could only smile at your friend. You did have so much to explain to her, things had been murky between you and Clint, but after everything, Nat had refused to believe you would betray them, betray her, and it was finally a relief to be able to return back home, seeing the people that mean the most to you.

"Tell me about it." You muttered allowing Nat to quickly pull your away from the crowd, but it missed your eyes how he was still looking. Ice blue eyes a contract to the burning gaze he had towards you.

Forget about him. Forget about him. You were here for a new opportunity. No him. Never him.

For the next few weeks, everyone had grown to accept you in your new role as part of the Avengers. You kept up with Steve, Bucky, and Sam during their runs. Sam more than happy to finally have someone that had the same pace as him, but only for you to laugh and out run him just to get a reaction out of the high flier. Tony and Bruce had also found a kinship in you, having provided them enough information about HYDRA's experiments and location made most of their missions easier. Then there was Nat and Clint, your confidant in this new life. Every single moment that was not dedicated to a mission was spent with them; may it be movie night or a simple get together outside the compound, often times bringing Wanda and Vision along just to mess with you and call you a 5th wheel of the group.

But among number of members on the team, everyone had noticed you constantly avoided one Thor Odinson and one Loki Laufeyson. The only real time you would even dare talk to either of the brothers would be during training--other than that, you tried your best to avoid them, Loki most especially. Every single moment that would force the two of you to be in the same room, Loki had a glare while you tried your best to avoid his gaze.

Everyone noticed, everyone didn't seem to worry too much. It comes with having a former-villain part of the team. They thought you would eventually get used to the God's presence just as much as they did.

"You ever gonna tell me what's going on between you and Loki?" Nat inquired avoiding your punch.

What you hated the most about sparring with Nat was her capability of multitasking. Talking and snooping about someone else's business while also kicking their ass in the process--this was the predicament you were in right in this very moment.

"Nothing is going on." You muttered landing back first on the mat after being thrown like a rag doll by Nat. Eyes looking at the ceiling, you wondered if it was a good idea to actually come clean to her about her past with the God of Mischief. "I know what he's done to New York and I think you can't blame me for taking precaution when it comes to him."

Nat now comes hovering on top of you, the narrowed eyes and gentle smirk was all you needed to know--she knew it was bullshit. But when she had stopped pushing you for more information, it was enough for you to just change the subject.

"They found Dominic?" You inquired. One of the first big missions that everyone was focusing on was one of the leading Scientist for HYDRA. With the exposure of HYDRA to the world, some of them had moved away and found themselves in much shadier company, much to everyone's radar now spiking.

Dominic Wagner was, in part, partially responsible for the Winter Soldier program in the modern era. One of the pioneers in moving the project into a much younger sets of test subjects. You lost contact with the man as soon as your got back into the surface, but it had also meant a target was on your back when they found out you were a double agent.

"He's in Russia. Wasting away all the funding for the program with parties" Nat points out. "Still a better way to spend the money that abducting kids everywhere."

You nodded, memories of files upon files for the prospects still haunted you to this day.

"When are you taking him out?" You inquired. In your time with the SHIELD, the red in both of your ledger had made you two a hot commodity if the situation present itself as shoot to kill. Neither of you would hesitate. You knew you would now, after everything, but if it means one less bad people in this earth, you would swallow your new morals.

"Fury wants him alive." She pointed out finally standing back up to her own two feet, leaving you on your back, staring at the ceiling in deep thought. "I know as much as you do, we want him dead for everything he has done, but we need him alive so we can get the others."

You nodded, this was one of the few things you had to get used to as part of the team. Death was best solution in SHIELD--at least in your team, not here. As long as you were part of Steve's team, you would need to choose whether or not killing would be the best option. Hope that you weren't so blessed to be given in your time under.

"I get a first shot when we don''t have any use of him anymore." You muttered finally standing back up with Nat's help. Steps faltering at the sight of the God of Mischief, training with the likes of Peter Parker, Sam Wilson, and Bucky Barnes. A weird mix up, but wasn't hard to understand why.

"Why don't you shoot your shots with him for now." Nat teased, finally making you break from staring at the plain black shirt and green sweatshort-clad Loki Laufeyson. "If we try to ignore the death count during his attack, he is sort-of your type in men." Nat wiggled her brows. quick to avoid you as you attempted to swat her in the ass, eyes now turned away from God and his training partners.

"By type, you mean psychotic with possible Daddy-issue? Then you might just be right." You snort.

"I'm offended you think of me as such, Darling"

Jerking your head to the owner of the voice, how the hell did he sneak up behind you without you noticing. You glanced at Nat in panic and like the traitor that she was, made a terrible excuse of being needed in Bruce's lab. Now being left in the man's presence, you could all but remember the last time you had been this close to the man.

Heartbreaks.

Words that you didn't mean.

Words that he didn't mean.

It still hurt you, and you were sure it hurts him just as much, if not more now, finally realizing why there had been a need for a breakup between the two of them all those weeks ago.

"Here I thought I would have someone to trust. You mortals continue to disappoint me." He hissed.

Your eyes glanced at the other training trio, noticing all three of them were in their own little world to even noticed what was going on between the two of them.

"Tell me, Darling..." He whispered, head leaning towards the shell of your ears. The familiar shiver run through your skin as just his voice. Memories of the very things his silver tongue had whispered had you flustered and breathless, more than from your earlier training with Nat. "Was it satisfying to play with a God?"

Before you could even mutter a word, his constantly gentle hand now covered your jaw, emitting a squeak from your lips and stopping you from saying a word. He was never this forceful, nor did he do anything that would hurt you. Was this the true nature of the man you had finally thought you have been the best part of you. To have loved a man that everyone was right to stay away from?

"Or is it shame finally coming to you, to be ever involved with someone like me?"

You tried to pry his hand away from you, but he was too strong--stronger than you could ever think of being.

"Or is this you taking your opportunity to move from one bed to another? Who will it be this time, Y/N? My oaf of a brother or will it be Soldier out of time? Who will you whore this time?"

And you finally snapped. With a resounding slap, all three individuals had heard your attack on the man and Loki finally releasing his hold on your jaws. A chuckle escaped his lips and only brought the first line of tears to fall from your eyes. You never wanted to believe him to be a monster, but here he was, proving her wrong.

"I am in doubt of the foundation of our relationship for the past years, Y/N. I am the God of Mischief and Lies and the only mortal I had ever truly opened to had done this to me. Lied to me for such a long time, lied about the entirety of our relationship."

"You will never understand."

"Oh no," he chuckled darkly, eyes glaring straight into your own. "I understand well enough to know, you would never love someone like me and I deserve every lie and heartache I am enduring because of everything I have ever done in my past."

Before you could defend yourself and the genuinity of your relationship with the God, he had made his excuse. Leaving you to ponder of the true damage of your breakup with Loki, and the aftermath it had now held for the both of you. He was right, you had lied, and either way, their relationship will fall apart because of those lies.

He was the God of Mischief and Lies.

Yet, he did not expect for this biggest lie to break him the most. The separation had been painful, he had always hoped for a better life with you. Then a month passed since your breakup, he sees you, it hits him like a sharp knife to the chest all over again. He experience the pain of a stab to the chest, but it would never compare to the pain of seeing you in this very compound with the truth of your life that you refused to ever open to him.

This was karma coming to haunt him it seems.

It had been well over a week now since the first time he had actually confronted you about everything. It wasn't how he planned for things to go through. He never wanted to hurt you, but he was a monster after all. A monster that his own father had told his people to avoid. A bedtime story to scare mischievous kids into submission.

He had always thought after everything he had to endure, had to do, had to escape, he could finally live a peaceful life. A life to finally start anew. A life where he could finally change for the best. A mortal woman had made him make those ideas come into reality, you had always became the reason why he would never have his redemption in life.

A bitter idea with no possible resolution.

How could he have ever believed that anyone would ever love someone like him? After everything he had ever done, he was never allowed to be loved. You had proved that somehow.

'Mr. Laufeyson, you are needed for a meeting with the team'

Breaking from his little bubble. He sighed finally returning back to reality, into the little comforts the library could give him. The week had been gruelling for him, three individual witnessed the altercation between himself and you. It had spread like wildfire, but thanking the Gods that no one was able to listen to the conversation.

He had to endure most of the questioning. In everyone's eyes, he was, after all, still under everyone's constant scrutiny. A man that no one could trust. But he refused to say a single word knowing you did the same thing. It was better to keep your mouth shut instead of letting people know exactly what had happened. Somehow that brought a smile on his face. He might not share a future with you, but might as well make the most out of making your life a living hell, as much you did it to him.

Shutting the book he was barely even reading, he placed the book back into the shelf before walking his way towards the meeting room.

He could easily teleport, but he preferred to enjoy his moments of peace without his oaf of a brother breathing down his neck or Stark constantly testing his patience with his quips. It also gave him a moment to school his features, he knew well enough about the mission to know you would also be in attendance. Be more invested in this mission than anyone else.

It was a few things he was relearning about you now that you were out in the open as everyone claims you to be. You were a free spirited being that could meld with anyone you were in the area with. He had watched you throw relentless jabs at Tony during your first few days that had the man surprisingly raise a white flag. But the most dangerous thing he had to learn was the familial relationship you had with one Natasha Romanoff and Clint Burton, two people that he kept his distance with the most.

"Professor Snape has finally graced us with his presence."

Loki has learned since joining the team to choose his battle when it comes to Tony. This was one of those moment. Finding a vacant chair besides his brother, he had taken his seat. A big mistake on his part as he finds from across the table, you sat. In between a glaring Romanoff and Barton.

Wearing a smirk, just to get on the two super spies' nerve, he turned his attention right back into the meeting. He begins formulating a few little schemes to not only get on the two's nerved, but most especially yours.

#loki laufeyson oneshot #loki laufeyson one shot #loki laufeyson imagine #loki laufeyson imagines #loki laufeyson x reader #loki laufeyson x you #loki laufeyson x y/n #loki one shot #loki oneshot #loki imagines #loki imagine #loki x reader #loki x you #loki angst #loki fluff #sucker for pain

281 notes · View notes

peachy-panic · 3 years

Text

WHUMPTOBER DAY 3: “WHO DID THIS TO YOU?”

This is the next chronological piece of Do No Harm, continued directly from this chapter.

Tag list: @whumpervescence @shiningstarofwinter @distinctlywhumpthing @whumptywhumpdump

WARNINGS: Medical procedures, referenced/implied noncon, slavery setting, the usual.

The young doctor seems a bit skittish and far less cruel than the other Facility employees, and that comes with the dangerous notion that perhaps he doesn’t plan on hurting him. But that notion requires a naivety of which Jaime is no longer capable. He, of all people, is aware that cruelty can disguise itself in many shapes and sizes. Just because it isn’t obvious doesn’t mean it isn’t there, and that only makes it all the more dangerous.

There’s no use in hoping either way, he decides. Dr. Tate will either hurt him or he won’t, will either touch him or he won’t, and Jaime can’t — won’t — react. He has already made that mistake once today and will certainly pay for it later in ways he doesn’t want to think about now. He would do well to remember that he doesn’t hold any power here. Not in this room, this building, this life. And that, despite any arbitrary written rules, Dr. Tate is free to do as he pleases.

At least he had removed the restraints from his mouth and wrists. Jaime can console himself with this small mercy.

Those had always been the worst part of nights with Mr. Torley, on the all-too-frequent occasions he decided to use them. He was clearly very into them, and even more into Jaime’s fear of them. In addition to the claustrophobia they stoked in him, the use of restraints in bed had always felt something like a mockery. What use was it to restrain someone who can’t fight back regardless? The binds on his wrists and ankles were nothing more than accessories. The shackles in his mind did all the work to keep him still. And Mr. Torley knew that.

He does his best not to think about that now. Not to think about Mr. Torley at all, since that was what had gotten him in trouble in the first place. Distantly, he wonders how long the influence of his first Keeper will continue to stain Jaime’s existence beyond the termination of their six-month contract.

Dr. Tate, who has been buried in the cabinets above the sink for several minutes, turns back to him sporting bright-blue gloves that adhere tightly around his slender hands. He meets Jaime’s eyes for half a second before his gaze darts somewhere just to the left of his shoulder.

“We need to run a couple of tests,” he says in a detached, clinical voice, all notes of lightheartedness from earlier removed. “I’ll need to collect some samples from you.”

Jaime nods once in acknowledgement, squeezing his fingers tightly, unconsciously around the edge of the table. There’s an unnatural pause in his cadence, and Jaime when looks up, he watches a slight twitch of movement in the doctor’s jaw.

“Please remove your pants and underwear,” Dr. Tate says, his voice taking on a lower pitch. “You can leave them on up to your thighs, if you’d like.”

The slight shift in demeanor sets Jaime on edge, but he doesn’t hesitate at the command, even as a familiar panic claws at the inside of his throat. He drops forward from the table, his legs taking his weight. His thumbs hook the waistband of the thin, cotton pants he had been returned in, and he doesn’t allow himself a moment of hesitation before pushing them unceremoniously off his hips. He takes Dr. Tate up on his merciful offer to keep them partially on his body. The cold, sterile air inside the clinic is sharp against his exposed skin.

Jaime’s eyes find the ceiling as he prepares for the touch he knows is coming. He doesn’t look to see whatever tools and instruments Dr. Tate is laying out on the silver tray beside the exam table. He doesn’t have to. “We need to run a couple of tests.” Whatever foolish hypotheticals Jaime once held in regards to WRU — what they did and didn’t know about the treatment of their wards — had long been shattered.

Of course they needed to test him for sexually transmitted diseases. They can’t have a Domestic Companion spreading something to the next paying customer that buys their time and exposing their innocent charade.

There’s a pause in Dr. Tate’s movement, but Jaime doesn’t look away from his spot on the ceiling tile.

“I’m going to touch you, now.” Dr. Tate’s voice is low and measured. “I need to examine you for bumps or sores, any abnormalities.” He clears his throat. “And I’ll take a swab from your urethra. It might be uncomfortable, but it shouldn’t hurt you.” Another pause. “Please, tell me if it does.”

Jaime’s grip on the table tightens, but he otherwise doesn’t react. Distantly, he is grateful for the warning, the bare explanation, mortifying as it is. He knows that the doctors here are not obligated to explain anything to the Companion patients, to seek consent in any form. Their consent was implicitly given in the contracts they signed at intake. He just as easily could have left Jaime gagged and bound to the table and gone about the procedure without so much as a word to him. Jaime is glad he hadn’t.

Instead, Dr. Tate’s touch is light and professional. His gloved hands don’t linger, they don’t poke and prod to get a reaction from him. It seems, even, that he touches him as little as possible. Almost as if he is as eager to get this over with as Jaime is, which doesn’t feel quite possible.

The fluorescent strip of light next to his focal point on the ceiling burns at the edge of his vision, but he doesn’t look away, using the mild discomfort as an anchor to hold himself steady. He concentrates on that instead of the gentle touches, gritting his teeth against any traitorous urges his body might provoke. Mr. Torley had loved that about Jaime — his responsiveness to touch — but not as much as he loved using it against him.

His stomach sours at the memory, fresh humiliation creeping into his cheeks at the idea of something similar happening now. He doesn’t think Dr. Tate would tease him the way his Keeper had, but he still doesn’t relish the idea of becoming physically aroused in front of this young doctor, who couldn’t have been more than a few years older than him and, in another life, Jaime might have found pretty.

The thought is gone almost as soon as it comes, too painful to linger on. The idea of another life. A normal life. A life at all. These are thoughts Jaime is forbidden to have. The phantom sting of an electric shock lights up the column of his throat and Jaime winces.

“Sorry,” Dr. Tate said quickly, misunderstanding the movement and withdrawing his hand. Jaime’s eyes finally fall to his as the doctor takes a step back, inserting the long swab into a glass tube and sealing it with a cap. “The worst part is over.”

Jaime is numb all over, but he nearly laughs. He knows that having stepped foot in this facility again, the “worst part” has not even begun.

“I’ll need to collect another sample from your mouth,” Dr. Tate continues, pulling on a fresh pair of gloves, and Jaime absently wonders why they even bother wasting extra product on the patients here. “And we’ll draw some blood—”

Something catches his voice mid-sentence and Jaime’s eyes flick up to his again. Dr. Tate looks at him, and then pointedly, hurriedly away. Jaime swears he can see his pale cheeks reddening.

“You can— We’re finished with that part.” He stumbles out. “Feel free to cover yourself up.”

Jaime does as he’s told, finding it somewhere within himself to be grateful that the doctor had kept the procedure professional. He couldn’t say the same thing for every encounter he’d had in the facility clinic before.

********

Sebastian knows what happens next, and that’s why he finds himself taking his time with the rest of the visit. As soon as he’s completed the mandated intake exam, he is supposed to mark the patient as cleared in his chart and alert the handlers to come collect him. To take him back into the part of the facility where Sebastian has never set foot; the “residential” wing where the unclaimed Companions are housed between contracts. On all the promotional advertisements, it’s depicted as a dormitory-like accommodation. Now that Sebastian knows just how little truth exists behind their lies, he can only imagine it’s nothing of the sort.

His mind conjures images of iron-barred cells and concrete rooms, of medieval dungeons with chains and darkness and filth. It’s a sensationalized version of what he assumes is probably the truth, but that doesn’t mean the reality is any less horrible. After what he’s seen in his time here and everything he’s heard, he has no doubt that the people who are forced to reside here between Keepers are subject to the company’s own brand of horror. Frankly, he’s in no hurry to turn his patient back over to their hands a moment sooner than he has to.

The boy is silent and entirely pliable throughout the whole exam, allowing himself to be moved when necessary and not so much as flinching when the needles for the blood draw break his skin. Sebastian is glad when the more… invasive parts of the exam are over. The boy had been no less compliant during them, maybe even the opposite, but Sebastian hadn’t missed the subtle changes in his posture, the way the muscles in his hands clenched and released around the edge of the table as he touched him as little as possible.

He had looked up at the ceiling instead of at the wall behind Sebastian, as he had done previously, and Sebastian had silently prayed that the position wasn’t intended as a way to hold back tears. He doesn’t know how he could live with himself if he made this kid cry.

When the blood has been drawn, the test samples submitted for lab processing, and a full physical performed, Sebastian has run out of ways to delay the inevitable. He closes out of the boy’s patient profile on his screen and turns to him, hands folded professionally in front.

“I’ll need to alert the handlers that your intake exam is complete,” he told him, probably unnecessarily. He hadn’t looked to see how long he had been in the system, but from his behavior, he assumes it’s been long enough to break his spirit. He probably knows these protocols better than Sebastian ever wants to. “They’ll come and escort you back to the residential quarters.”

110750 nods once without looking at him. “Thank you,” he says flatly. Then, there is a moment of pause before he lifts his eyes and seems to level Sebastian with something more sincere. “Thank you for… for letting me get cleaned up.”

Sebastian feels like shattering into pieces all over the cold linoleum. Instead, he tries for a smile and lands somewhere in the realm of a tight, thin line at his lips. “Sure,” he says, a bit mortified to hear the crack in his voice.

He watches 110750 take slow, measured breaths as Sebastian makes the call he desperately wishes he didn’t have to make. He tries not to stare as they wait in tense silence for the handlers to arrive. Of course, Sebastian could leave the room if he wants. The intake procedure is done, and so is his minimal obligation to patient care. But something feels wrong about leaving him. More than that, something feels utterly wrong about this boy being taken out of the clinic, away from his line of sight, where he can’t see what will happen next. He only knows it won’t be good.

A split second before he hears the clinic doors whoosh open, Sebastian steps closer to his patient, lowering his voice to a quick, urgent whisper. “Keep an eye on that broken nose,” he advises. “If you have any trouble breathing as it heals, please don’t hesitate to let your assigned handler know that you need medical attention, okay?”

The boy hitches in a breath but doesn’t respond. Sebastian takes half a step closer.

“Look, you have a right to medical assistance,” he says, the words feeling like treason on his tongue despite knowing their written truth. “Even here. Even now. You can always come see me here if you need to. They can’t legally prevent you from requesting care. Do you understand?”

Unexpectedly, something dark flashes in the boy’s eyes. Something less like the fear and dread he had witnessed earlier, and something much more akin to anger. Anger at Sebastian?

Before the interaction can go any further, they are interrupted by the unceremonious swing of the exam room door. The same two men who had brought him in - one with a fresh bandage on his face - push their way in, stepping between Sebastian and his patient.

“Up you go, 7-5-0,” Handler Hernandez barks, and the boy is on his feet before he can finish the command, his hands behind his back, head bowed.

“Oh, look who finally decided to behave,” the other one - Smith, maybe? - taunts as he sizes him up in a way that makes even Sebastian’s skin crawl. Just as he had prior to the visit, the man shifts his gaze to him, a sneer permanently embedded into his expression. “Does he get a lollipop for good behavior? Maybe a sticker?”

The boy doesn’t look up at him, but Sebastian thinks he sees his throat move. He feels a swell of rage rise into his throat, coming to a boiling point for the second time since he entered the room with this boy, but he swallows it back, keeping as level an expression as he can manage.

“He was perfectly agreeable,” he responds tightly, refusing to play into whatever mockery he’s initiating.

Smith answers him with a dismissive snort, turning his attention back to the boy like a predator who just found fresh meat. “What do you say, sweetheart?” He asks, the thick rubber of his boots squeaking against the tile as he takes a step too far into the boy’s personal space. “Think we can go the easy way back, or would you prefer to do things the hard way again?”

The beat of silence in the room is painful as they await his response, which comes eventually in a subdued voice, through slightly gritted teeth and with his eyes on the floor. “The easy way. Sir.”

A snort from Hernandez breaks the tension. “Yeah,” he says. “We’ll see about that.”

With that, he is escorted from the room and seems to take with him all the air in Sebastian's lungs. Naively, desperately, he hopes for the briefest moment of eye contact before he’s taken away from him. But his eyes stay downward, even as a large hand curls around his bicep and makes him stumble in his gait as he’s yanked forward. Sebastian watches helplessly as he disappears from sight, one singular thought slicing through his mind on a loop:

Who did this to you?

#whumptober2021 #slavery #whump #like bbu adjacent?#Do No Harm: Jaime & Sebastian #medical setting #referenced noncon

95 notes · View notes