#they are eight. it is painful to see one gone. and it has been more than a month of him gone. and i thought the pain would have subsided | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

hyuckkaiji · 6 months

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loyal she began, so she remains - sebastian x f!reader

summary; he waited too long to hold you in his arms again. he waited too long to give up now. you are his, and he will have you. pt.3

word count; 4.3k

warnings; 18+, explicit content, some physical violence, porn with a plot, mentions of cheating/infidelity

note; and they lived happily ever after. One for the Seb girlies hehehe. last last part to this little unofficial series. pt.1, pt.2, pt.3 Ominis

Sebastian twirled his wand with deft fingers, staring at the cold fireplace, listening, waiting.

It had been almost three months since he saw you. One would think three months would feel like nothing in comparison to eight years, but they would be wrong.

He longed for you, he dreamt of you, bided his time until he could hold you in his arms again. And the day came, you were there, his beautiful girl, you were in his arms after all that time. But when he awoke, you were gone, and that hurt him more than anything another wizard could ever do to him.

These months have been the worst of his life. To know where you are and not be able to claim you, it was tortuous. He doesn't blame you, he doesn't know how Ominis has messed with your head because clearly Ominis has messed with your head, there's no other explanation for you leaving his side and crawling back to that bastard.

He knows you don't love the auror, you could never love him. So what made you go back? He needs answers. He would have gotten them sooner, gotten you sooner, had it not been for your pest of a husband.

His old friend had been tracking him like a blood hound since the afternoon after the night he shared with you. But Ominis underestimated him, his skill, his intelligence. Ominis thinks he is the predator.

The door creaks slowly open, the hinges old and rusted. "You were a fool to come back here, Sallow." Ominis stood in the doorway, the grey light of the cloud filled sky seeping in behind him.

The auror took a few steps forward, letting sagging wood slowly groan as it fell shut. "You should have stayed away, I gave you your freedom, and you wasted it by trying to come back for her."

Sebastian leaned back, watching Ominis with a lazy gaze, his fingers still fiddling with his wand. "Of course I came back for her. You thought I wouldn't?" Sebastian tsks, "Truly old friend, you should have known better."

Ominis shrugs, "Your mistake, fugitive. They've already got your cell in Azkaban waiting for you."

"Have they?" Sebastian let's out a breathy laugh, Ominis' lips twitch in irritation.

"You never could take anything seriously."

"Ohh, you've caught me." Sebastian throws his hands up in mock surrender though he knows the auror cannot see the gesture.

"You've cornered the big bad fugitive. Haven't you, Gaunt?" Sebastian stands, Ominis points his wand at the abrupt action. "I cared about you once, Sallow. I have allowed that past affection to cloud my judgment. I have allowed you to walk a free man. No more."

"Free?" Sebastian sneers, "You keep saying that word, you must have forgotten its meaning for I have not been free in eight years."

"I have lived alongside the rats in sewers, I have starved, I have survived off rotting scraps. I have done much and more just to keep myself alive, and you call that freedom. What did I do to deserve that -"

"You are a murder, Sebastian!"

"I just wanted to save my sister! She was in unending pain, all I ever wanted was to help her! And you and my uncle tried to stop me! Only one person truly supported me!" Sebastian's breathing was ragged, his chest rising and falling with heavy huffs.

Ominis features twisted in disgust, "My wife is not yours to claim. We are no longer children, and it has been many years since she was yours. If you had just accepted that, if you had just stayed away. The miserable existence you created for yourself would be no concern of mine."

"But alas Sallow, here we stand. All things must come to an end, you are no exception."

Sebastian barks out a laugh, "Do you plan to kill me, Gaunt?"

"You do not matter enough for me to soil my hands in such a manner."

Sebastian hums, "I only matter enough for you to personally track me for months."

"Only because you came near my wife."

"My point still stands, and I did more than just go near her."

Ominis' grip tightened on his wand, his knuckles draining of color. "Of course you would take pride in that little indiscretion. I'll have you know that my wife does not. That's why she came back home to me. She is waiting for me at home this very moment, swelling with my child."

A ball dropped in Sebastian's stomach, nauseous at the thought of you pregnant with the Aurors child. "You didn't."

A satisfied smirked pulls at Ominis lips, allowing himself to enjoy the blow, for a moment he pays no real mind to Sebastian. But a moment was all Sebastian needed. He lunged.

Sebastian's hand wrapped around Ominis', yanking his away his wand. Tossing it, where it hit against the stone corner of the fireplace, landing with the sound of wood cracking.

Sebastian couldn't explain what came over him, to fight like a muggle, to abandon his wand in the face of a fight. All he knew was he needed to feel his fists collide with Ominis face, he needed to feel the impact, hear the crunch of bone as he landed blow after blow.

He didn't know how long it went on, but when he pulled back, breathing ragged, fists covered in Ominis' blood and knuckles raw and cracked, Ominis wasn't conscious, the only sign of life was his chest rising and falling with shallow breathes.

Sebastian stood, grimacing at the scene before him. Silently thanking the gods, he hadn't lost himself enough to kill someone he once loved. He wasn't dead, and at the very least, Sebastian was grateful for that. He had done terrible things in these past years, but there were still things he could not bring himself to do. Things he could never forgive if he did. Not again.

This was for the boy he was, the boys they were. Sebastian left the auror there, a silent prayer that their paths never cross again.

When he stepped out of the worn down cottage, rain was falling, showering down on him, soaking through his clothes, washing away the blood that clung to him, washing away his sins.

He breathed in deep, closing his eyes. Letting the smell of fresh wet earth permeate his senses. He strolled through Feldcroft as if he owned it, as if he belonged, as if it was his home and his wife he was heading towards. As far as he was concerned, it was.

You are his home, his life, his everything. And only the thought of having you again got him through those long years. He had laid out his path, his future, your future. All that was left was collecting that which he loved most.

His hand wrapped around the handle, cold metal biting into his skin. He could feel the magic that was surrounding the house, protection charms on top of protection charms. But these charms were not meant to protect but trap.

Sebastian pulled his wand out, casting counter charms, breaking down layer after layer. It was not quick work, and truthfully not something he would have been able to do if not all that he had learned on the run. The magic he was using to break down the barriers is something others would call dark. Sebastian just calls it a different kind of magic, a necessary kind.

He finally broke through, the knob turning in his hand, the door sliding open to welcome him into the warm cottage. The smell of cinnamon toast was wafting through the air, nostalgic and inviting.

"You're back husband." Your voice was meek, docile. You came out from around the corner that led down the hall, your bare feet padding softly against the carpets you had laid out around the house.

"Sebastian." You stopped in your tracks, hands at your side, fists bunching into the fabric of your skirts. "Where is Ominis?" Sebastian's lip twitched in irritation at the question. "Gone."

"Y-you-" A gasp escaped, your hand coming up to press the tips of your fingers to your mouth in shock.

"For merlin's sake, I did not kill the man. He just happens to be ... indisposed." Sebastian waved a hand in the air. "But he'll come back to an empty home, you're coming with me."

You walked towards him, steps slow and cautious. Reaching a hand out to caress his cheek once you stood before him. Feeling him, in the flesh, your skin against his, that was your breaking point. You lauched yourself into his arms.

Violent sobs overtook you, your body shaking with the force of them as you clung to Sebastian. You held onto him as tight as you could, readjusting your grip to try and tighten it every few seconds. You crumpled in his arms, he allowed you to, sinking to the ground so you could sit in his lap. Arms around his neck, face buried in his shoulder as he cradled you.

"I'm sor-ry, I-m sorry, s-orry." You mumbled almost incoherent apologies into his shirt in between hiccups. "My sweet girl," he cooes, "you have nothing to apologize for." One arm holds you as the other hand runs through your hair in an attempt to soothe you.

He holds you, whispering soothing words and sweet nothings until you calmed down. "I shouldn't have come back ... I felt so guilty for betraying Ominis ... I-I," you shook your head, trying to articulate your thoughts.

"He supported me for so long, I felt like I owed it to him to come back. My own happiness be damned but ... he ... I've been trapped in this house for months, Sebastian. All this time, all I could think of was you," you brought a protective hand up to rest on your stomach, "and our child."

"Our?"

"This life that grows inside me, it could only be yours, my love. The thing about contraceptive potions ... you can make them for one person. The ones I brewed only kept out Ominis. It worked for years, I know it didn't just suddenly stop. This is your child, Sebastian, our child."

His lips are on yours in a hearts beat, soft and needy. His tongue swipinging over your bottom lip as his hand tangles in your hair. It felt like home, it was a feeling he longed for during the countless nights alone.

You moaned into the kiss, allowing yourself to finally relax, to feel safe in the Sebastian's arms. His fingers had come up to clumsily undo the buttons of your blouse, never breaking your kiss.

You pulled away, taking over, discarding your clothes in a rush, your fingers precise where his had been ill practiced. He did the same, tossing his clothes aside without a care before pulling you back into him, savoring the feeling of your skin against his.

"I am going to ruin this house the same way I ruined you." He pressed a kiss to your temple, fingers leaving a trail of goosebumps down your skin. "I'm going to fuck you over every surface of this house." He pushed you up against the nearest wall, a gasp escaping your lips at the sudden impact . His lips traveled down, warm kisses along your neck making a shiver run down your spine.

"I'll not leave a single room unspoiled for that insecure twat." He kissed his way down your torso, settling himself between your legs, pulling a leg over his shoulder to expose you to him, you sucked in a breathe as his breathe fanned over you.

"Fuck, you're so wet already. This is all for me, pretty girl?" His tongue swipes slow and torturous over your sopping cunt, flicking over your bundle of nerves at the end. "So fucking sweet."

He looking up at you with hungry eyes, every puff of air he breathes out hitting your clit, making you shiver above him but he make no move to continue. "Sebastian, please." Your words are breathless and a hand tangles in his hair as you attempt to push his face right where you need him.

"Beg."

"Sebastian." You throw your head back in frustration. You couldn't find the words to describe how you want him if you tried. "Stop playing games with me."

"I'm not." He leans just enough to let the tip of his nose graze the sensitive bub, "I just wanna hear you say it. Come on, just once." He presses a kiss, you sigh at the feeling.

"Please, Sebastian, I need you, please touch me."

Those words, the slight whine in your voice, sent a jolt to his already hard cock. He has one hand supporting your hip and leg over his shoulder, the other arm supporting your back and pushing you closer to him.

His mouth is pressed back against you, sucking, nipping, licking away as you grip his hair. You had always felt pleasure with Ominis, wanted him even but not like this.

Though the physicalities of it all were much the same, it was different, in your heart, in your soul. No other could make you feel the way he did, the way you felt right now.

Your legs tensed, attempting to close around his head. His arm dropped from your hip, wrapping around your thigh to pry your legs back apart, never stopping his ministrations against your throbbing clit.

Your orgasm racked your body, your head thrown back in pleasure. Sebastian stayed kneeling, peppering kisses along your inner thighs and hips. Chuckling to himself as he listened to your pants, your body trying to regulate itself again coming down from your peak.

Your legs wobbled as he stood, allowing you to plant both legs on the ground once again. He leaned in kissing you, allowing the taste of your cum to settle on your tounge.

"You're all fucking mine, now show where your bed is sweetheart." You lead him to your bedroom by his hand.

"How does your husband normally fuck you?" You hummed, crawling onto the bed before flopping onto your back, bringing your knees up just enough to give him space to join you, as Ominis normally does.

Sebastian clicks his tongue against his teeth with a tsk. "Everytime?"

"Near enough. Would you like something different?"

Sebastian walks over to you, bringing his hand to wander over your breasts, pulling a pert nipple between fingers. Twisting and pulling at the nub, earning a soft moan from you. He lets his fingers wander, trailing over your ribs, scratching his nails lightly over your stomach.

He stoops just below your hips, giving a quick tap. "Come here." You crawl back off the mattress, slightly uncertain in your movements. You stand before Sebastian, feeling even more exposed though nothing has changed.

He examins you, letting his eyes follow his hands path as it trails. He gathers your hair in one palm, pulling it behind your shoulders and letting it fall loose.

His fingers graze your collar bone, the way he's looking at you makes you feel like a piece of art, something that exists only for him to admire. Running his fingers over every curve and crevice like he's trying to understand how you were created. You shiver under his scrutinizing gaze.

He grips your chin between his thumb and forefinger, softly, just enough to bring your eyes to his. "Bend over." His voice is soft but commanding, leaving no room for argument. And you don't need to be told twice.

You gather all your pillows, pulling them to your chest to prop you up a bit as you lean over the mattress. The anticipation alone making your clit throb.

Sebastian brings a rough hand up to further feel as he looks you over, the sight almost rivals looking up at you from between your legs, almost. He grips the flesh of your ass, gods how many times did he have this exact dream?

"You are the most beautiful thing I've ever set eyes on, do you know that?" He let his hands settle in a firm grip on your waist, leaning over you, his hard cock pressed into your bottom as he pressed kisses into your spine, whispering as he went.

"I promise I'll make you happy, I'll give you anything you want or need. I'll give you a life you deserve."

He lined himself up with your dripping entrance, "You ready?" Letting his cock sink in slowly after you nodded your approval.

He groaned at the feeling of the wet warmth wrapping around him, quickly falling into a steady place. Sliding in and out of you with deep stokes, allowing the tip of his cock to bully your cervix.

You could feel the coil in your gut winding tighter and tighter with every stroke, so close to tipping you over the edge. You buried your face the mattress, muffling your cries and tangling your fists in the blankets.

"Oh no baby, I wanna those pretty little moans." Sebastian wrapped your hair in a fist, using it to pull you up into his chest. The grip of his other traveled from your hips to your stomach, pressing down just below your naval. The grip he had in your hair moving to keep a firm grip on your throat, keeping you pressed firmly against him.

This angle allowed him to fuck you at depths you'd never felt before, depths that had you tipping, the coil snapping inside you as you spasmed around him. Throwing your head back in pure ecstasy as another orgasm over took you.

Sebastian nuzzled his face into the exposed crook of your neck, sucking and biting in a fresh pink mark. His hips slowing their pace but continuing enough to draw out your pleasure.

"You didn't finish." You were panting, your skin covered in a sheen of sweat. You continued to clench around him, your body overwhelmed but still mindlessly chasing the pleasure only he could give you.

"I didn't want to yet." You could feel him smile against you."You're not satisfied yet, you animal?" You let out a breathy laugh but Sebastian only hummed bringing his fingers down to rub harsh circles into your swollen bud.

"I'll never be done with you." He pulled out, letting you lean against him, almost pure dead weight, unable to keep yourself standing.

He leads you to the kitchen on unsteady legs, arm around your waist supporting you the entire way. "Keel for me, love."

A good obedient girl, all his, only his. He smiled down at you as you struggled to fulfill his request, looking up at him through your lashes once you succeeded. "So pretty." He muttered, in awe of the sight before him.

You wrapped one hand around the base of his shaft guiding him into your waiting mouth. Your tongue wrapping around the underside of his shaft as you bob around him, your hand stroking what you can't fit. "Good fucking girl." Sebastian practically growls the words.

One hand shooting out to tangle at the roots of your hair, he uses the leverage to push you further down. You let him, your own hands gripping the flesh of his bottom, blunt nails digging in as you gag around him. Sebastian let's out a low hiss, enjoying the slight mix pain and pleasure.

He uses his grip to hold you in place as he thrusts, the tip of his cock abusing the back of your throat. Drool is dripping down your chin and tears well in your eyes but you let him use you, the sight of him with his head thrown back, eyes screwed shut, and teeth biting so hard into his bottom lip you think he might make himself bleed, it's too lovely a sight for you to try and pull away.

His thrusts become erratic before burying himself so deep you gag around him as your nose presses against his pubic bone. Tears finally falling free as his warm, salty cum shoots down your throat, he holds you there until he's sure you've swallowed all of it.

When he finally pulls free with a soft pop from your mouth, your lips are puffy and swollen with a line of drool still connecting the two of you.

He pulls you to your feet, still using your hair as his personal tool. He pushes you up against the table, your hands falling to grip the hard wood and steady yourself. Sebastian doesn't wait before dipping his head to the valley between your breasts, his tongue darting out the catch the drool that had slid down your skin, his tongue following the wet path up the collum of your throat ending at your lips.

His kiss is feral, possessive, all tongue and teeth nipping at your lower lip. His hands wrap around your thighs to hoist you up onto the wood. "Merlin, I need you like I need air." He speaks the words against your lips, his eyes falling shut as he presses his forehead to yours, a shuttering breath falling from his lips.

"I love you, Sebastian." You whisper back to him, using the back of a hand to rub against his cheek softly. He smiles at you, a man captived by what he never truly thought he would have, never thought he deserved. Truthfully he's not sure he does deserve this, deserve you. But he'll be damned before he lets anyone else have you.

He's using his tip to gather the slick from your still seeping hole, rubbing it over your clit, making you shudder. When he feels he's gathered enough he pushes back into you, making you gasp.

Your legs wrap around his waist and your arms around his neck, letting your head fall against a shoulder. He splays one large hand over your lower back and uses the other to balance against the table. His hips stutter at first, still sensitive from his orgasm, but he find his pace.

You had never realized how loving sex can feel, how his pace alone could convey that. The way his fingers dig into your skin with every thrust, every pant and groan that escapes him. You knew, all of it told you, this is a man that worships you, a man that has been enamored by you since he first met you. And though he may tell you, you're his, first and foremost, he's yours.

It didn't take long for either of you to reach another orgasm, both your bodies still so sensitive. You clung to him as your third orgasm overtook you. His grip on you was brusing as his hips jutted rhythmless against you, he muttered incoherent praises into your skin and his seed shot into you.

You stayed like that for a moment, just holding each other as you came down from your respective highs. "My sweet boy, my Sebastian." You mumbled against him as you stroked your fingers through his hair, the words made him cling tighter to you, part of him worrying if he lets you go this time he'll never hold you again.

"Promise you won't leave me."

"Oh my darling," you coo at him, bringing him up to face you, to look you in the eyes, "you have my heart, you carried it with you all these years. I couldn't leave you if I tried for I am yours, mind, body and soul. I think our love could transcend lifetimes."

∘₊✧───── ─── ─────✧₊∘

Epilogue;

"I am not, you insatiable beast." You giggled pulling your hands out of the soapy water you had just been using to wash dishes.

"You satiate me, love." He turns you to face him, pressing a soft kiss to your forehead. "Beautiful." He mumbles, bringing a hand up to rest on the swell of your stomach. "Me or the baby?"

He hums, "Both. The most beautiful beings to every grace this gods forsaken planet."

You shake your head, "Well, you can't put another in me until this one is out. And we still have some time yet so I think you should focus on the here and now and go get ready for work."

You brush his curls out of his face, stroking a thumb over his cheekbone. He hums, smiling at you, "Yes, you are ever correct, wife."

"Husband." You give him a quick peck on the lips.

"Brother, it's mine!" The shrill voice of your five year old daughter echos through your house, followed by the mischievous giggle of her younger brother.

"Hey! Hey!" Sebastian calls out, rushing over to the running toddler in two quick strides, scooping the child up in his arms. The boy giggles wrapping his arms around his father. "We don't steal, my boy. Play nice now, you lot cannot be stressing your mommy while she's pregnant. It's not good for the baby."

He kneels, pressing the stolen stuffed rabbit back into his daughter's hands. She smiles quickly at him before scampering away, toy in hand. He shoos his son shortly after before turning back to you.

"What's the max?"

"I was thinking this might be the final one." You leaned against the counter, watching him with a glint in your eye.

"I was thinking at least one more." He responded.

"Aye perhaps. I could never say no to you." You walk over to him, throwing your arms around his neck.

"How do you think the muggles do it?" You asked.

"I don't think they do, bet they cry themselves to sleep wishing they had a silencio charm."

"Seb!" You scolded with a playful slap to his chest.

When Sebastian was young he thought himself the master of plans, thought himself brilliant even but nothing will ever top this, this success. The best plan he ever wrought, whisking you away to America. Muggles know nothing of him, nothing of you. His life is sweet, a dream come true. And he is most grateful.

#sebastian sallow #sebastian sallow imagine #Sebastian sallow smut #Sebastian sallow fluff #sebastian sallow angst #sebastian sallow x mc #sebastian sallow x reader #hogwarts legacy #hogwarts legacy imagine #hogwarts legacy smut #hogwarts legacy fluff #hogwarts legacy angst #hogwarts legacy x reader #hogwarts legacy x mc #hogwarts legacy x you #sebastian sallow x you #ominis gaunt #Ominis gaunt angst #˗ˏˋ꒰ 𖹭 my work 𖹭 ꒱ˎˊ˗

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yourheartonfire · 6 months

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“A hero who can see the future. They usually don’t look farther than a day or two, because it’s exhausting to look even that far. One day, they’re with villain/sidekick/whoever, and out of curiosity they ask hero to look a few years in the future to see if they win the fight with villain/supervillain. The hero disagrees, at first, but over time they get more and more curious. When they finally do look, it’s definitely not what they expected. There is no future.”

Prompt surrendered by @some-messed-up-writing-for-you

When the hero woke up, they were in a bed. That was alarming. They had definitely been on a roof when they'd looked forward, and forward, and...

"You're awake. Finally," It was villain who swam into focus through the shimmery aura that was the hero's vision. A moment later, an oversized thermos cup and a plastic straw scratched against the hero's dry lips. "Drink this."

Water, room temperature and plasticky-stale tasting. The hero sucked it down like it was nectar.

Only once the hero could drink no more did they clear their throat, think back on their memories, and shudder. "How long...?"

"Two days," the villain said. "Thirty-eight hours to be precise." They gave the hero a half-hearted smirk. "I beat you that bad in the future, huh?"

The hero looked at them. The villain's face glimmered in the post-trance aura, but even through the ripples, the hero could see their gaze drop.

"Nothing." The hero tried to sit up, and quickly gave that up as a wave of nausea washed over them. "I saw nothing. Not even rubble. Emptiness. Void."

"Ah," said the villain quietly. The color had gone out of their face. "The great unmaking."

"You knew." A rush of adrenaline and the hero sat up anyway, despite the pain. "That's why you wanted me to look that far forward. Send me hurtling into a void, for something you knew!"

The villain shrugged. "I suspected. Now I know." They cleared their throat. "I would not have risked you like that for anything less dire than the end of the world."

The hero squinted at villain. Usually so light and cheeky, usually so quick with a quip. "Not you that ends it all, I assume?"

"Of course not," the villain snapped. "Even if I could. I like the world. It's the only place you can get ice cream and money and sex. No." They sat down heavily in the chair by the bed. "There's rumors about a new powered individual. Somebody they're calling the Ultimate Weapon. Rumor has it that for once, the name is no exaggeration."

"The Weapon," the hero repeated. "Not the Warrior, or the Killer, or a person name. A thing. Somebody already has them?"

The villain nodded grimly. The hero shut their eyes with a groan. They could guess now why the villain had set this up. They could guess who would give a powered individual such a dehumanizing name.

"We have them," the hero said wearily. "My side."

The villain tilted their head. Confirmation. "Your Agency has never met a weapon it didn't want to use. At some point in the next few years, they're going to use it and end us all. So. What are you going to do about it?"

"Me?" The hero eased themselves back down into the pillows. The pain was receding rapidly now, but no need to let the villain know that. "Obviously somebody on your side provokes it."

"Somebody on-?" The villain sputtered to a stop. The hero shut their eyes and waited. "Okay, fine. Fine! What are we going to do about it?"

The hero squashed their smile. "Well," they said, and started outlining their thoughts on how to start.

#hero x villain #my fiction #somemessedupwritingforyou #surrenderanask

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tuliptic · 5 months

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Horizon: I’m In My Big Dream

Henlo working adults here, this is a reading for y’all. There was an anon who asked me if I’d be making a career reading so here it is! Not sure about how this connects with those who are still in school/college, but y’all can still try it out.

And yes, we're back with Ateez now hehet OvO

Close your eyes, meditate on this topic and ask yourself the question: How am I supposed to manoeuvre around this adulthood that builds on the basis of status and career? Breathe in and out, make sure your mind and heart is calm. Then, open your eyes to see which pile talks to you the most/draws you in the most. Once you’ve found your pile, scroll down to the respective parts to see what are the messages for you.

Pile 1 - Pile 2

Pile 3 - Pile 4

Disclaimer: This is solely for my entertainment purposes. Take only whatever that you feel like it. If it doesn’t resonate, it’s okay to just drop it. That aside, I do not consent to my work or here to be used by third parties on this platform or other websites.

Decks used: Luna Cat Tarot Deck (Major Arcana), Linestrider Tarot Deck, Flower Petals Oracle Deck, Sweet Dreams Oracle Deck, Starcodes Astro Oracle Deck, self made lyrics deck.

Pile 1:

One card to represent you: The Tower

Weirdly, I don’t see you being that catalyst of change. Which could only mean that there’s some huge changes that are happening in your world. It may be people around you, people close to you, or you yourself. Those changes are very visible and impactful to the point you’d be able to feel it even if it’s just happening to acquaintances. Imagine how heavy it could be if you’re in the centre of the impact. This change may be happening in your workplace or any place that has authority in play, where there’s this high possibility of lacking balance, especially power balance.

1. What am I hoping to achieve? - Eight of Wands rx, Page of Wands

From the cards, I see that you want to achieve a steady and comfortable career life without rushing yourself. You probably have something else by the side, or you tend to have a lot of activities once your working hours are over. To you, work is just… Work. You’re not letting it get in the way of the little happiness in your life. It feels like quite a few people have commented on how you live, saying that you’re not expanding or focusing on your career, which probably made you wonder if you have a career goal or not. Although you may be inclined to start a side hustle that fulfils your interests. Say for example, you enjoy doing art and mayhaps want to accept commissions.You’ve been having those thoughts in your head and heart, wondering if you’re supposed to take that first step out.

2. What’s stopping me from achieving it? - Ten of Swords

There are a lot of past hurts that I’m seeing here, which you may be using as an excuse to limit your thoughts, to limit your options. The past hurt is not healed, and to some, it’s still far from being healed. You thought you have moved on from it but everytime you see hints of it, or bits and pieces of it, you remember those times that you’ve gone through that pain and you break again, in another sense. To some, you may even be having physical pain or discomfort in your bodies. A weak constitution, perhaps, stopping you from taking the opportunities offered to you, or making you question your capability in completing a particular task. You realise a lot of things are more than just the surface, and the underlying conditions that you have just keeps holding you down.

3. What do I have in me to counter those hindrances? - Two of Swords rx

I would say that you have a very personal skill/talent that not many have: you have the ability to see the truth. Quite a few of you are capable of immediately finding out the root cause of a problem. Some of you may choose to work around the problem, but for most of you, I see that you have the tendency to attack the problem and the ones who created the problem. There’s a certain… Anger? Resentment? Towards things that are unfair and unjust. With that, you won’t be able to hold those in you and eventually lashing them out to the people causing the problem. This may have displeased a lot of people in the past, and you’ll continue to think that you’re on the right path. Your uniqueness is lovely, but also, maybe… See the next paragraph.

4. How do I counter those hindrances? - Ten of Cups

Maybe be kinder to yourself, to build a family where you can select who the family members are. There is quite a lot of pain and anger in you, and most of all, you guys don’t really have a place to rest. This is the time for you to rest with your family, your loved ones. There is help around you, and what you need to do is to find them out and use them well. You’ll realise that the emotional connection you created with the people around you is your greatest asset. They’ll not only be able to help you through the lows and the hindrances, I’m also seeing that some of them will be clearing the path so that you can walk through them without difficulty. It took quite some time for the cards to fall out so there may be some stagnation, something else that's stopping you from this. Take your time to dissect what you're going through.

5. What should I focus on for now? - The Hermit

I’d say that you should tune into yourself. Take some time off and rest, meditate even. The fatigue is running on you. Make time for self-maintenance before your body and mind decides the time for you. There’s a lot of self-healing and introspection that you need to do. You can discuss this with your friends and family, or the people around you. However, you need to remember that the final call is in your hands, you need to make your own decision on what you want, how you want to achieve. It’s difficult when you’re standing in between the crossroads. Nobody said that you should pick only one path to walk, so just have faith and run towards where you want. Expand your choices, try as many things as you want.

6. What other suggestions for my possible career path? - Five of Swords

What I’m seeing here is conflict resolving, so probably a very specific job in HR or customer services? Customer service cuz that’s where most of the conflict rises, and you probably know how to look at things from both parties, or even from a third party point of view, and provide the necessary help and solutions to the problem at hand. HR cuz of the conflict between the employees and employer. For some reason, I do not think of you as the spokesperson of the company, but for the employees, where you phrase your words and make the top management agree with the point you’re trying to make. These career paths probably never crossed your mind but you can have a look at them and see if they can help you in your career growth, as stepping out of your comfort zone from time to time is also important, as it helps you to see the different sceneries, reminding you that you can go further.

Overall energy: The Empress; King of Cups rx

You guys (gender neutral) probably have a more emotional side to you, which is pretty fitting to be in fields that focus more on interpersonal relationships and interactions. Some of you are probably doing something similar at the moment, but not all recognise this skill of yours. There are a lot of themes of exploration here, so it’s best that you take your time and try, explore and expand your choices and views, welcome the limitless magic into your life and see how your life changes in wondrous and unexpected ways. You’re not alone. Your friends and families, your guides, and sometimes even strangers will be supportive of you. Take care.

Pile 2:

One card to represent you: Judgement

Most of you feel like the angel blowing the trumpet, being the bearer of the message; being the one who’s siding with the judge who passes on the final judgement. However, there are also some of you who are the ones being judged; being under the eyes of many and not knowing how you should react. This pile gives me the feeling that you do know what you want/need to do, but it doesn’t stop that fear and anxiety you have when you are under the eyes and judgement of others. However, you guys have a community or a friend group behind you, supporting and fighting for you as you walk on the path you choose.

1. What am I hoping to achieve? - The Sun

Recognition is one of your main drives in terms of career. You don’t really mind people fronting a project or being the main speaker, but you mind a lot when your efforts are not acknowledged and you were not given the proper credit. In your point of view (and honestly speaking, most people’s POV), a group project is made up of many people with different tasks, and it irks you a whole lot when someone tries to take credit for everything, including your efforts. You want yourself to be seen, to be noticed, to be recognised for your skills and work. In a sense, you want to build your own brand, you want to be known for what you’re good at, and if possible, you’d probably want to join some team that is efficient and aligns with your career objective in achieving the best. Incompetency stresses you out a whole lot. It’s difficult but it’s not impossible, and eventually you’ll be able to find the abundance that your career can offer you.

2. What’s stopping me from achieving it? - Five of Swords

You’ve probably been disappointed for quite a long time repeatedly, making it difficult for you to have that faith again to do things with that fervour you used to have. Right now, there’s a high chance that the feeling of defeat you’ve been feeling is dragging you down, where you’re just doing enough to pass by the days. This can be due to the lack of boundaries that you have not set properly, or you couldn’t really stop anyone from overstepping your boundaries. You probably have been known to avoid conflict for the sake of harmony, which kinda lets people take advantage of this.

3. What do I have in me to counter those hindrances? - Ten of Pentacles; The Empress

Ten of Pentacles to me usually refers to family, but what I’m picking up from here is work colleagues and weirdly, a King of Pentacles energy as well. There’s something here that I can’t really put into words, as it’s like a combination of masculine and feminine energies here. It’s like these energies form you into an all-rounder, allowing you to connect to people easier. You can have a hard/tough exterior, yet still soft and gentle in the heart, able to understand the inner clashes of other people easier. Maybe this is why you tend to get involved in conflicts, as you’re very susceptible to the energies of others.

4. How do I counter those hindrances? - Temperance

I’m getting a feeling that you’ve probably heard this from a lot of people, where they tell you to take a step back and regain your balance, to not put too much energy on others and to focus on yourself instead. This is exactly what you should be doing to regain your sense of self back. Meditation is something you can try, but most of all, you need to give yourself ample time to return to your optimum state. You’ll probably think that hanging out with your friends or doing things that you like is something that can help you regain balance, but it’s more than that. You need to be at peace with yourself, to listen to what your heart wants to tell you, to analyse what your head is telling you. Dreams may have some meaning and messages, so do pay attention to them. If you’ve decided to try out meditation, you can try communicating with your higher self. You may get some inspiration and guidance from it.

5. What should I focus on for now? - Nine of Pentacles rx

Discipline is one of the main keywords, which gives me the vibe that you should be very aware of where you use your finances and energy, to not let anyone out there drain your energy. You may have an ideal self that you wanna be, but some of you are pretty content with where you are right now. Either way, you need to remember that you are still you, no matter what you’ve done, what you’re changing into. You’ll need to recognise your own strength and your skills, to not take them for granted. It’s time where you take some time-off to do some self assessment to see where you are standing in the path of life, to see where you want to go and which step to take.

6. What other suggestions for my possible career path? - Four of Swords rx

For some reason I’m seeing counselling which kinda makes me laugh as you’re probably in need of therapy currently. I guess it’s that thing where you understand the importance of therapy when you go through them, and you in turn would want to help those who need that help. But yeah, counselling or therapist, or anything that helps with relieving stress and helping others to sleep. ASMR? Yeah those. Jobs that can help yourself and others to let go of the tension in their shoulders, to be able to breathe again. They come in different forms, but that’s the ultimate goal.

Overall energy: The Star, Page of Swords

Overall speaking, I think this pile is called to remember who you wanted to be. There’s a lot of tension here, but know that hope has always been with you. The Star has been lighting your way as much as it can, letting you receive the messages that the Universe wants you to know, and in turn, asking you to be that messenger to spread the good news to those who are in need. I believe that there’s a calling in you, telling you that you’re not fulfilling your purpose yet. You need to remember that you’re the co-creator of your life and destiny, and you’re supposed to write the story of your life, you’re supposed to determine what’s your purpose here.

Pile 3:

One card to represent you: Justice rx

There’s a lot of things going on in this pile, where there’s a side of them that wants to hold control or be in charge of some projects, yet there’s another side of them that knows they have no power over them as they can’t even do justice to themselves. This pile probably tends to self-sabotage themselves more than other people, and may have faced unjust situations lately. Also, there may be a certain past that has been catching up with you. Remembering a situation that happened a decade ago? Someone who’s no longer in your life kept popping up in your head recently? Yeah that.

1. What am I hoping to achieve? - Ace of Pentacles rx

Financial stability or a favourable financial situation is the first thing that came to my mind. You’re probably in a not-so-okay state in terms of finances, which is why this card popped up in reverse. To you, being in a decent financial situation is like a new beginning, where you can do the things you’ve wanted to do without worrying about the potential financial difficulty or backlash. This would probably be one of your main goals, and is something that is considered a huge personal achievement, almost like a dream. It’s best to not daydream about it too much but to take action.

2. What’s stopping me from achieving it? - Nine of Wands rx, The High Priestess rx

You’ve been stretched out, constantly pushing yourself to achieve whatever temporary goals you’ve set. There’s also some self limiting thoughts, and some of you may be neurodivergents, which makes you not quite capable of being not-stretched-out. You have not been kind or gentle to yourself, and have been ignoring the gentle voices in you that’s asking you to rest. You probably have lost connection with your intuition and/or your inner voice, focusing too much on the external world. It’s time for you to work with your dreams and your spirit’s energy to reach your highest good. Stay still, breathe, listen. There’s always some messages out there, in the wind, in the flipping of pages, and in you. Be gentle and kind to yourself, you deserve them more than anybody.

3. What do I have in me to counter those hindrances? - Nine of Pentacles

You have the skills and abilities in you, and I’m also seeing some connection and network you’ve built up throughout the years. This card talks about self development, providing for yourself, and that’s one of your main strengths. You have them in you to achieve the independence that you’ve wanted. Sometimes, you also need to invest in yourself, so that you can level up yourself and to also enjoy the fruits of success. Self-control is also something this card talks about, so it’s time for you to put a knot on impulsive spendings. Show appreciation to the little things, the little success, and happiness shall follow.

4. How do I counter those hindrances? :- Seven of Cups, The Fool rx

One thing I’m picking up from this is that it’s time to wake up. Stop living in your fantasy and start taking charge of your life. Unlike The Fool, who goes on a new journey with the heart and mind of a child, you’re going through this second journey of exploration and growth with the heart and mind of an adult, and with it comes more responsibilities. Dreaming about success is fine, but actions speak better than thoughts and empty words. Spend some time to listen to your heart, break free from the illusions that your brain is painting, and to embark on this new journey. You’ll meet similar sceneries and similar people, but you have to remember that they are no longer the same.

5. What should I focus on for now? - Nine of Swords

First and immediate thing I’m picking up is that you need to rest, that you’re in a burnout right now. You may disagree with this, but you probably have been experiencing an extended period of burnout, to the point you see it as something daily and natural. No, it’s not natural. You can’t expect yourself to achieve something because others did as you’re built differently, and you need to adjust to your needs accordingly. You’re suggested to reconnect with your inner child. Find something that you used to enjoy doing, and maybe find a friend to do them together. You need to understand and accept that you’re built differently with different needs, and then figure out how to work around it.

6. What other suggestions for my possible career path? - The Chariot rx, The Hierophant

Hmmmmmmm. What I’m picking up here is that you’re not suitable to work on something that has a tight deadline, or sudden projects. Some may require a fast paced project with clear directions given, but most who are picking this pile are not comfortable in a fast paced environment, hence The Chariot in reverse. You would prefer to work out your schedule based on the requirements given and go through them meticulously. First thought was freelancer but at the same time, you’re someone who needs stability and a fixed job. Being in a project team would be good for you, but not as the project leader. At least, not yet. By being in a project team, you’ll continue to gain experience little by little from various roles, and you’ll be comfortable with your tasks as time passes because you’ll get used to it. But in short, just do what you want and run ahead. Trust and believe in yourself that you’ll be able to work things out.

Overall energy: Death, The World rx

There’s a heavy message on change and rebirth, and your cycle is far from complete. It’s like… There’s a lot more to go, and a lot more challenges that are waiting in front of you. To some, this may feel like a very difficult period to go through, but you’ll realise that you’re receiving powerful messages from your guides right now, and you know that you’re on the right path. It’s like you’re covered in scars from all the battles you’ve fought. But look at it in a different light, think of those scars as battle medals, cuz you’ve fought through and came out winning. Everything you’ve done, you’ve fought for, has made you who you are right now. And this will continue, where you’ll continue to change and learn and grow. Abundance will land on those who work for it, so stay strong and keep going!

Pile 4:

One Two cards to represent you: The World, Justice rx

You’re probably arriving at your goal, achieving what you’ve wanted to achieve. However, you’ve been working yourself to the brim and may have outdid yourself in the process. You’ll need to regain your balance and do justice to yourself. Take some time to rest as you’re completing this cycle, lean in to what is easy and comfortable and use that comfort to renew, grow, and expand. Gently expand your world through compatible people, collaborative skills, and through doing what you love. The World is a lovely card to get in any reading, but you also need to be aware that this marks an end of whatever you’re doing. Take this chance to ease yourself as you prepare for a new journey ahead.

1. What am I hoping to achieve? - Wheel of Fortune rx

I feel that you’re looking to gain control over your career and your life. You probably have lived a life that… Doesn’t give you any chances to make decisions on your own, and you probably hated it a lot. Now that you have the time and chance, you’d wanna take things into your own hands and feel how it is like to make your own choices and to live the way you want to live. You don’t mind falling, failing, or even climbing up from that pit. To you, it’s a chance for you to grow and to see how far you can go without having people to pave a beautiful path for you. There are so many people out there that you wanna connect with, and it’s great to activate that part of you. Just remember to remain true to your intentions, and you can’t go wrong.

2. What’s stopping me from achieving it? - Knight of Cups

I hate to say this but I’d say your home/house/family have been pulling you back. Your family probably has been doing what they think is best for you without considering your wishes. It’s like… Forcefully spoon feeding you things that you don’t like, or maybe even things that you’re allergic to, which in turn, ruin your health or may have tampered with how you view things. Part of you may think that suffering is beautiful, and may have romanticised pain cuz that’s what you’ve felt growing up. It's as though saying that the pain you're experiencing right now is something well-deserved. Now that you’re your own person, you’ll need to find a way to pull yourself out of those uhhh… excess sentimentality.

3. What do I have in me to counter those hindrances? - Ace of Cups rx

Yes, we’re talking about that excess sentimentality here too. You have to keep everything in check, to not let that cup of yours overflow. For those who have no idea how the Ace of Cups look like, go ahead and google an image of it. Generally, it is a card talking about an overflow of love, affection and happiness. However, this card in reverse talks about the opposite, how these emotions have turned from positive to negative, and how it has taken control over your life. You have it in you to recognise this pattern, to know that this is not helping you, and you’re ready to wake up from this. The process of awakening. That’s what you’ve gone through, or going through.

4. How do I counter those hindrances? - King of Pentacles

King of Pentacles is practically the last card of the minor arcana, and to me, it embodies a wisdom that is very different from The Hermit or other cards that talk about wisdom. The King here talks about earthly wisdom, something that is learnt from age, failure, success and growth. You’ve learnt through so many things in life, and it built you to who you are right now. It feels like career and materialistic items give you the reassurance and stability you need, and you use your skills to attain those. You may feel scared as you try stepping out of your comfort zone (aka stop letting others to shelter you and start to voice out for yourself), but pay attention to your heart and mind, do not allow fear to distract you.

5. What should I focus on for now? - Eight of Pentacles

Focus on honing your skills. Find one or two that you like most, or you think that would help you in the long run, and focus on them. Work hard and improve, get better day by day. Do not wait until you’re good, only then you market your skills. Market them now and grow better along the way. There’s no better time to start other than now, because you know that once you start, you have no way out and you can only grit through it. Listen to your life, listen to your heart. They know what you want to do and you’ll be surprised at how much you’re capable of doing.

6. What other suggestions for my possible career path? - Three of Cups

First thought that came into my mind is PR. You’re more suited to be involved in fields that require interpersonal relationship skills, such as PR, corporate communication, emcee, being on a writer’s column, even doing interviews, etc. You tend to have a way with words (puns, maybe?), and you may be known for how your words light up someone’s day. You want to be the Sun, without knowing that you already shine. There’s a lot of themes about sunshine here, where you can be the light at the end of the tunnel. Cultivate this skill and you will be able to see a huge difference in how you view and handle your current relationships. From there, you’ll be able to bring it to the corporate world and put it to use.

Overall energy: Judgement, Two of Pentacles rx

There’s a heavy judgemental energy you have towards yourself, and there’s also a lack of balance. It’s as though you’re trying to find your own purpose and what you’re meant to achieve, career wise and personal life wise. There’s a lot of pent up frustration (and a little bit of anger) here, but you need to be kind to yourself. It’s alright to not be able to do things on your own, as you’re meant to achieve great things along with people. Remember, you are stronger when you’re not alone. Collaborating on projects doesn’t make you less important, as we all play our own role in everything. There’s this personal experience that I want to share as I type this out. I used to be in charge of doing the introduction and conclusion of group projects, and this made me wonder if I’m just terrible at providing pivotal points and arguments. My teammates told me that I play a huge part in it as they find doing the introduction is the most difficult part for them, and it’s important to have a good start to build up the inquisitive side of the reader. So yeah! You may see it as something small, but small things build up big success. Good luck, and get on your way to see the new you in the future.

#tuliptic #🌷#pick a card #pick a pile #pick a picture #tarot reading #general tarot reading #career reading #career consultation?#idek man #y'all just reblog with the necessary tags #this is pretty.... specific?#hopefully this helps those who are questioning

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fictionalmenmakemecry · 6 months

Text

Fuckin' with the Ecosystem- Chapter 4

Character: Carmy Berzatto x Reader

Summary: You decide it was time for a new chapter. You pack up everything in New York and drive back to Chicago with Carmy by your side. Due to the stress you both feel from the move, you're both on edge which leads to a mess you have to deal with.

Warnings: Angst, cursing, fluff

A/n: Chapter 4 is here! The further this goes the more twisty it's gonna get! I'm only getting started. Poor Carmy always has the best of intentions but seems to get caught on the delivery. Thank you for all of the support guys. I really appreciate it. I have a taglist going, let me know if you want to get added!

If you haven't read, here's: Chapter 1 , Chapter 2 and Chapter 3

Enjoy!

As you put the key in your door and walk into your apartment, it hits you that you're starting a new chapter. Once you made the decision to move to Chicago, you rang your landlord, letting him know that you were moving out. He wasn't too pleased to hear about it. You told him that you'd find someone to sublet it for the remaining 3 months you had left on your lease. You knew it wasn't going to be a challenge as New York was continuously dealing with a renting shortage.

The two weeks flew by. You felt like you were always catching up on what needed to get done. But never being able to finish a task completely. You put an ad out for your sublet, and to say people were desperate was an understatement. You had several responses in minutes and multiple viewings arranged. Once you picked the few people who were good to sublet, you handed it over to your landlord, as he had the final approval. Within a day of that, you had an official date to move out, and suddenly, everything felt real. Before this, in your mind, you felt like you could change your decision, and it would have been okay. But now, you don't have an apartment next week, so now you had to move, whether you had wanted to or not.

"Getting cold feet?" Carmy voice spoke out of your phone.

"No, no.. just seeing my things in boxes is... making it real" you looked around seeing your frames leaning against the wall and your possessions all over the place disorganized.

"Your flight is good?" You asked, bring your focus back on the task on hand.

There was a moment of silence.

"Yea, think so. Here, let me send you the link to my flights" Carmy muttered

Your phone vibrated with an email notification labeled as "NY flight".

"Okay... well... I guess I'll see you tomorrow then?" You asked, feeling your stomach flip realizing you'll be seeing him.

Since you've been so busy organizing everything, you forgot the whole point of the actual move. To start a new job in a new city, with great people and a close old friend. The stress was nearly over when it came to closing the chapter in New York, and was replaced that was excitement for Chicago.

"Sure will, don't stand me up." You sensed a smile off of him

You waited at the arrival gate, scanning the bundles of people coming out. Your eyes hopped face to face, until you finally recognized one. He walked up to you with open arms carrying his backpack on one shoulder. He was wearing his wool coat and white shirt combo. Always a classic for him. You gave a quick hug, breathing in his usual smell which was a mixture of cigarettes, deodorant and gum.

Carmy was relieved to see you waiting there. He noticed you before you noticed him. A warm sensation spread across his chest when your eyes landed on him and a smile broke out on your face immediately.

You both hopped on the subway, Carmy telling you everything that happened since you've been gone. He explained how Richie, Fak and Marcus has been busy breaking down the place. While Tina and Ebra have enrolled into a short eight week course in culinary school. Syd has been busy researching new flavors and themes for the restaurant.

"Suga' has been dealin-"

"IRS are being a pain in the ass" You cut him off walking down the street getting closer to your apartment.

"Yeah.. how did you know?" Carmy looked over surprised.

"We've been chatting on the daily. She keeps me in the loop. She's also been helping me find a place in Chicago." You grinned at him pulling out your keys as you came up to building.

"Oh.." He hummed and looked down.

"So, you know everything already. Why didn't you stop me?" He asked, him now feeling out of the loop.

"I like the sound of your voice babes" You mocked, opening the door.

You looked back at Carmy, who followed you into the lobby, giving you a smirk.

You both arrived at your apartment and swung the door open. He followed you in, dropping off his bag at the door.

"I have most of the small things packed away. It's alotta awkward big stuff I'm gonna need help with." You turned around to see Carmy looking around while walking further into your living room.

You felt vulnerable now that he was standing in your safe place. The place you called home for 4 years.

"I know- its not much bu-"

"It's.. its nice. Cosy," he landed his eyes back you, giving a gentle smile.

Your apartment was small and not the most modern. But over the years, you tried your best to make it yours. Your kitchen was a joke. You barely could swing a cat in it. But lucky for you, you worked in a restaurant which mostly kept you fed and you never really cooked anyway.

"That kitchen is an abomination," He stated, pointing at it in shock.

You chuckled knowing he was going to judge your kitchen.

"You wanna know the worst part?" You walked over and grinned.

You leaned over to the stove which was crammed in the corner of the kitchen. You opened the door of the oven. The door stopped 3/4 of the way before hitting the wall in front of it. You glanced over to Carmy who's jaw was open. He raised his arms to his head in dismay.

"What the actual fuck" He uttered, walking away with his head shaking.

With a busy couple of days ahead of you, you started getting errands done. Tomorrow was the final day, and there was still a lot of shit that needed to get sorted. He started breaking down your your bed frame and tables you had.

"Ikea piece of shit" He muttered to himself as he struggled with taking out a screw that was stripped.

"Who the fuck made this bed?" He yelled out to you from the bedroom.

You smiled to yourself, knowing he was going to love the answer.

"Take a guess" you yelled back.

"Dickhead Nick" He spat finally getting the screw loose.

You giggled to yourself hearing the string of curse words Carmy was uttering.

"Finally" He huffed, after half an hour of struggle.

You popped your head around the corner and watched Carmy gather the parts of the frame and put them all together in the corner of the room. The frame was heavy, but Carmy lifted it like it was nothing. You couldn't resist looking at his arms flexed with the movement of each piece. His arms against the tight sleeves of his shirt.

"You okay?" You snapped back to notice Carmy looking over at you, dusting his hands off.

"Yeah- yeah, sorry. I'm just tired," You walked away, feeling yourself blush from the thought of getting caught admiring him.

Carmy went to collect the rental truck as you finished off putting the last few things in boxes. That night, you both slept on the floor with a blanket and pillow. It didn't matter how uncomfortable it was. You were exhausted to the point of passing out.

You woke up with the sounds of your alarm. You picked up your phone to see 5:00 am. You looked over to the sight of Carmy laying on his stomach, his face smooshed into the pillow with his mouth half open. As you sat up, the floor boards creaked, making him stir. He stretched out his arms, yawning. His white shirt tossed beside him.

"Warm?" You rubbed your eyes.

He looked at you with his eyes half open. You flicked your eyes to the white bundle beside him. His eyes followed, and realized what you were talking about.

"Um- yeah. This place is fuckin' boilin' at night," he muttered sleepily, sitting up.

"Yeah, that's the one thing I don't like about this place." Your eyes traveled down to his bare chest. His gold chain resting against his skin. Your dragged your eyes away before he noticed.

You thought back to years ago when he was way more scrawny. He really had grown into his... physique. His shoulders were a lot more toned and built than you remember.

Hold up, you caught yourself. You stopped yourself going down that rabbit hole. It's been awhile since you've gotten any but you and Carmy have never been like that.

He leaned over and pulled his shirt over his head, tossing his hair all over, pushing his arms through.

"So... let's get ready, and pack the final things in the truck, sweep the place, and we should be good to go before traffic gets bad," you commented getting onto your feet and made your way to the bathroom.

"Heard" He mumbled rubbing his eyes.

You both worked your way through the apartment and played Tetris a little with trying to cram as much as possible in the truck.

"I'm tellin' you, if you take that out, you're just going to undo all the work we did last night." You grunted, getting annoyed with the constant struggle of your belongings.

"Lemme try." Carmy snapped back, glaring at you.

He handed you the box that you were both struggling to fit. You were beyond exhausted, and the thought of driving 12 hours put you in a further bad mood.

You watched, annoyed, as Carmy readjusted the lamp that was taking up too much space.

"I know you don't wanna have this in front with us, but you goin' hafta." He took out the tall lamp awkwardly, losing his patience with it. He wiggled it and angled it out. Then, he took the box off of you. He slotted it into the gap that was left behind by the lamp. He slammed the doors and turned to you, a small smile appearing on his face.

"What?" You barked, frowning back at him.

He stared at you for a moment.

"Nothin," he shook his head, the smile still on his face.

If he was honest, he couldn't stay annoyed at you when he looked over and saw how pissed you were, holding your lamp. He thought about how rough you both were . Your hair tied away from your face, and his just a bush on his head. Both sporting bags under your eyes. You standing there holding a lamp angerly, just shifted something inside him. To him, you looked ... cute? He couldn't place the words. He dismissed the thought quickly but with the remnants of the smile left behind. You both had a lot of shit to get through today, and he's thoughts weren't on top of the list.

You entered your old apartment for the last time. Completely empty. The walls looked bare after so long filled with your favorite pictures and posters. You walked through all the rooms and checked the closets to make sure nothing was left behind.

You glanced down the hallway to see Carmy leaning against the wall, playing with the truck keys absent-mindedly. Two months ago, you were minding your business, figuring out your next job in New York. With one phone call, now you're moving to Chicago to work in a non-existent restaurant.

You made your way back to him, and you took one more look before closing the door.

"Ready?" He asked, looking back at you.

You nodded, smiling back at him.

With a long road ahead of you, you decided to take turns driving the truck. Carmy offered first. You didn't know if because he saw how tired you were, or he was just being kind. Twenty minutes into the journey, you were conked out.

One arm on the steering wheel, the other resting on the door, he would glance from time to time over to you. You leaned up against the other side of the truck with your head against the window using your hoodie as a make-shift pillow.

Carmy had a constant knot in his stomach the last week. He felt excited to see the plan that you made actually happen. It really did feel like a new beginning had started. The restaurant being remodeled and you moving to Chicago, it felt real. For once, he was actually feeling hopeful about the future.

Along the journey, you made a few pitstops for bathroom breaks and snacks.

"Where... ar wehh?" Carmy lifted his head feeling the truck coming to a stop outside a gas station.

" I dunno, fuck middle nowhere Pennsylvania," you said before getting out of the car.

"Still? Fuckin' hell. How big is this state?" He groaned, readjusting his head.

You came back with two energy drinks, and you threw him a bag of chips.

"Thanks," he mumbled

"It's the only payment you're getting for helping me move." You smirked, cracking open a can.

You heard him give a light chuckle before putting his head down again.

Once the sun came up, you both felt more awake. It a crisp winter morning. Cold, fresh, but the sun was shining with a clear sky.

You pulled over for another pit stop.

"Huhh" Carmy readjusted in his seat, completely disorientated from his power nap.

"Needa pee" you said restlessly.

"Again?" Carmy complained

"Energy drinks run through me"

The truck came to a halt. You jumped out and raced inside, barely waiting for the automatic doors to open fully before going in.

Carmy sat up in his seat and decided it was his turn to drive. He made his way to the driver side. He thought to himself for a moment before turning on the truck, putting it into drive, and pulled away.

He had no idea what got into him, but he wanted to fuck with you.

He had moved the truck to the other opposite side of the gas station, to the point where you would have to turn around to see it as you walked back to the old parking spot.

He watched the door waiting for you to come out. His hand resting against his mouth, tapping his finger on the steering wheel.

You walked out in the direction where the truck was parked, to see it not there anymore. You swore you parked it right there, took glance around to your left and right.

Were you losing mind?

Did Carmy take off?

Doubtful but it did pop into your mind.

Carmy continued to watch from the driver seat. A sneaky smile emerging on his face, he watches you look around. He could tell you thought you were losing your mind.

He gave the steering wheel a light push, and a short horn blared out of the truck. He saw you whip around from the sound, and a smile popped up on your face.

You went to the truck and got in the passenger side.

"You fucker" you giggled punching him lightly in the arm.

"Gotta keep you on your toes." He chuckled, rubbing this arm where you hit.

"I thought you dipped." You said securing your seat belt.

"Na, I'm not that bad," Carmy pulled out of the gas station.

For the next couple of hours, you chatted about random things, trying to keep you both dying from boredom. The conversation would get interrupted with Carmy's road rage of people cutting him off and traffic building up as you got closer to the cities.

"Why the fuck would Google Maps bring us on this route, it's slammed" He glanced at his phone

"Cause someone wanted to avoid tolls" You rolled your eyes to him.

"You fuckin' think I'm willing going to pay 90 dollars to those bastards?" He lightly hit the steering wheel in frustration.

"Well it would only be half-"

"It's not about the money..." He broke off as you both crawled along the road.

Nine hours into the twelve hour road trip, and both of you were starting to feel it. You were looking rough to begin with, but now you both felt just as rough.

With you behind the steering wheel again, you glanced over and saw him gaze out the window, his head leaned back. You didn't know if he was asleep. The sun was slowly starting to make its way down. The dusky sky was followed by an early dark night.

"Pull over at the next gas station." Carmy spoke up, looking over at you.

"Why?" You checked your rearview mirror and blind spot before turning your blinker on.

"Chicago is a mess when it comes to one ways. It'll be easier if I drive the rest of the way" He explained licking his lips.

You didn't fight him on this. You hated driving in a new city, the stress of the traffic, especially in a truck that was a lot bigger than your old car, you were glad he offered.

You switched sides and felt a ping of sadness that the road trip was near to an end. You were glad that the move was finally over, but wished you appreciated being around Carmy more. You felt the need to cling onto every minute spent with him. The feeling that you got in your stomach, your gut. You haven't felt that in a long time. The peace you had with him when cruising down the highway.

"What's your address?" He asked as you pulled up to a stop at a red light.

You pulled up your email confirming your lease contract on your new apartment. He glanced over, his eyebrows immediately popping up.

"You're fuckin' kidding me, ight?" He scoffed.

"What?" A hint of worry in your voice.

"Could you have picked a rougher neighborhood?" He asked sarcastically.

"I asked Sugar an-"

"Suga hasn't a fuckin' clue. Why didn't you ask me? Or anyone else...." He ridiculed.

"It can't be that bad." You dismissed his attitude, trying to reassure yourself.

There was a moment of silence with the red light turning green.

"Fuck- okay. it's fine. But if any- I mean any shit goes on, you immediately call me or Richie, okay?" He took his eyes off the road staring at you.

"Yea- yes, of course" You nodded pressing your lips in a fine line.

As you traveled through Chicago, you looked through the perspective of it as your new home. You took note of maybe some cafes and shops you wanted to go visit. You started to see more and more neglected buildings as you got closer and closer to your new apartment.

"I didn't have many options." You blurted out.

"With the timeframe I had and what I can afford right now. It was between this place and another, but I would have to wait another week before getting the other place, " you explained, feeling uneasy looking out at the streets.

"W-why didn't you tell me? We could have worked something out? You know I would have fixed you up with somethin'," He said softly.

You looked over and saw his eyes soften. You felt guilt, layered on top of all the negative feelings that were in your stomach right now.

"I didn't want to be in the way. I felt like I was already a burden with taking you away from the restaurant for the last couple of days" You brought your head down not wanting to go down this train of thought.

Carmy brought his hand up to his face and rubbed his forehead. He didn't want to make the situation worse. He wanted to pick his words carefully, feeling your uneasiness beside him.

"Look, the place isn't probably that bad and it's not forever" He gave a small smile trying to comfort you.

"Six months" You whispered feeling completely disheartened by the change in atmosphere in the last couple of moments.

"Yea- that's good. That'll fly by" He smiled again.

But it was too late, his first reaction was the real one and not what you needed. To move to a big city by yourself is hard enough. To do it in the bad part of town is not something you wanted to also deal with.

"What number?" He asked, looking out his side window

"Two thirty," you whispered.

Carmy continued down the street at a slow speed, keeping track of the numbers on the buildings.

"Here" He pointed in front of him pulling over to the curb.

You didn't even want to look. The weight in your stomach was keeping you from looking up. The adrenaline from New York had worn off, leaving you with disappointment and worry.

Carmy hopped out of the truck and was looking at a building that was a little run down, but the entrance was clean, and there were no dodgy people around that he noticed right away. He looked up and down the street to see a corner shop and a laundromat closest. He instinctively took out a cigarette and light it inhaling the smoke. He turned back to the truck window to still see you in the seat, looking down.

"Shit" He muttered to himself knowing he fucked up. He had to say exactly what was on his mind. He couldn't just keep it to himself and wait til' you got here. He mindlessly kicked a pebble on the ground while finishing his cigarette, trying to think what would be the best thing to do. He didn't want to make things worse. You were both on your reserves when it came to energy and patience with each other. He didn't want to stumble at the final hurdle.

After a few minutes, you heard the door being pulled open on your side.

"Hey... Look, I'm sorry... this is a really nice building from what I can see..." He braced his arm on the door jam.

"You're just sayin-"

"I'm not... I'm really not. I'll promise to tell you if your apartment looks like a shithole when we go see it"

You looked up to see his dead serious face break into a smile. You felt a smile creep up on your face even though you didn't want it to.

"C'mon" He nodded up, bringing his hand out for you to grab.

He helped you down off the truck, and you went inside with him right behind.

As you went to the building managers office, he walked around feeling out the place. He walked to the mailing room, which was a mess with piles of neglected mail from past tenants.

The place overall smelt like stale bleach. It was dated and worn, but it was clean. He was grateful for that.

"Got it"

He noticed how quiet you were. He would looked over and you give him a weak smile. But deep inside he knew you weren't okay. He wanted to hug you and hold you. He never had the intension to hurt you and he was pissed off with himself that he did.

You made your way to the fourth floor and made a wrong turn on the hallway before turning back.

"Here it is, 46C," you hummed, sticking the key in the hole.

With the door swinging open, you both walked in. The layout was close to your old apartment. The door opened to the living room with a hallway to your left where the kitchen and bedroom lead.

You walked into the living room where blank walls faced you with two windows looking out to the street below.

"Bathroom isn't bad" you heard Carmy call out further in the apartment.

You walked over to see him sitting on the toilet lid.

"I see you're giving it a test ride," you chuckled.

"Someone has to." He shrugged jokingly.

Him seeing you chuckle, even if it was a light one made him feel somewhat better than he didn't completely wreck the evening.

You turned around to see the bedroom directly across. It could comfortably fit a queen bed, which was a relief. From the pictures, you couldn't tell if the bed would be cramped in it.

"So, I was thinking the bed would be here?" You whipped around, spreading your arms, imitating the size of the bed.

"In the middle?" Carmy asked walking in behind.

You nodded, turning around to face the wall.

"Yeah... I think that would work," you grinned seeing the potential in this room.

You continued to imagine how the rest of your belongings would fit in your new bedroom.

"Let's get started. There's a lot to move still," he made his way out of the room.

The curse words that were uttered from both of you as you awkwardly moved the big pieces of furniture first. It was a close call when it came to the mattress fitting in the elevator. Carmy was adamant that it was going to fit.

"No way in fuckin' hell was I gonna drag this shit up four floors." He gave out as he was crushed against the elevator holding the mattress.

Both of your faces were flushed red and sweat gleaming from the heavy lifting.

Carmy and you struggled as you dragged the plastic covered mattress down the hall to your apartment. It was the last of the big pieces with mostly boxes left to carry.

Another hour, and the truck was finally empty. You took your phone out of your pocket to check the time. Eight o clock shined back at you.

"Damn, getting pretty late" You huffed, pushing the stray hairs from your face.

"I'll return the truck tomorrow," you continued watching Carmy close the back doors of the truck.

You stood there looking at each other for a beat.

"I better head home," Carmy said, taking a few steps back.

"What? No- I owe you dinner. It's the least I could do", you crossed your arms, feeling the cold around you.

"You sure?" He checked, with his head down looking up through his lids.

With Chinese on your lap, you looked across to see Carmy lean up against one of your many boxes with his legs stretched out in front of him on the floor.

"You're right, it's pretty good," you hummed, enjoying the burst of flavor in your mouth.

Carmy nodded along, tucking into this food eagerly.

The apartment was mostly quiet with the odd random distant yell from outside, you presumed to be crackheads.

"I know you won't believe me, but I really do like this place" He looked up around your living room.

"The location is shit, but..."

"I know, but this place has potential." You smiled, finishing off his sentence.

"Yeah," He said in a soft tone, turning up the corners of his mouth.

His eyes lingered on yours for a moment. You traveled your eyes down his neck, chest, and down his arms.

You would be lying to yourself if you didn't notice his arms when he helped your lift heavy boxes. He refused to let you lift anything that he thought you might struggle with. He was considerate. Always thinking about you in a way that no one else would. Your friendship meant so much to you. In a moment like this, you felt that you might need his friendship a lot more than he might need yours.

Here you are, in Chicago. Working with one of your closest friends. Nothing else is here, only him. The vulnerability you felt in that moment, developed fear that you hadn't felt before.

"I can't believe you're actually here" Carmy spoke out, breaking your swirling thoughts.

"I know, it's just hitting me too," you said in a dissociated daze.

His eyebrows furrowed for a brief moment, wondering what you were thinking. Were you regretting your decision?

"I think you'll like Chicago," He said positively, keeping his eyes on you.

"Mhmmm," you murmured, your eyes glazed over and your mind in another world of your own.

"Y-you're not regretting your de-"

You snapped out of your trance and glanced over to Carmy to see his face covered in concern.

"No- no, no." You shook your head and smiled reassuringly.

He played with the food left over on his lap.

"Well... um.. you know I'm here, right?" He questioned.

"I know," you murmured, bringing your head down.

"I'm not goin' anywhere." He continued, leaning forward, trying to meet your eye line.

There was this sadness that you couldn't shake since getting here. You could feel it deep in your stomach. Was it anxiety? That reality has finally hit you in the face? The excitement that you felt earlier wasn't there and it worried you even more.

Carmy knew there was something up. You weren't present since you've arrived. It was a long few days for both of you, and it could have been exhaustion, but he didn't want to leave you alone. He felt guilty just walking away, especially when something was up.

You kept your head down, not wanting to make eye contact with him. You were afraid that if you did, you would completely break down and cry.

A moment later, you just heard him shuffle. You felt a warm hand on top of yours. You saw inked fingers grasp yours and a body of warmth wrapping you in a hug.

You couldn't hold back. You felt your tears spill over. You turned into his chest and buried your face into his white t-shirt.

"It's okay... you'll be okay. " He hummed and pressed you closer to him.

You sat there for a couple of moments. No other words were spoken. His embrace eased the anxiety that you were feeling. You had no idea what came over you. This was not the feeling you were expecting when first moving in.

You eventually pulled away, wiping your puffy eyes. Your face was red hot from all the crying.

"I-I'm sorry." You forced a smile on your face.

He looked at you with a comforting smile, his blue eyes flickering between yours.

"Don't be." He whispered, his arm still wrapped around you.

"I'm.... just glad to be here for you." His thumb caressed the back of your hand.

Both of you sat in your new apartment floor in between several boxes scattered. The apartment was cold and bare, but Carmy was radiating heat. You leaned into him with your legs against each other. You looked away from his kind blue eyes and sniffled. You wanted to savor this moment. The peace you felt with him.

Your soft hand under his rough fingertips made him realise that he would be happy staying like this all night. If you wanted him there, he wouldn't budge. His thoughts carried on from what your hand felt like to what maybe your lips would feel like. He could only imagine the tenderness he would feel against his.

What the hell is wrong with you?

She needs you. Don't fuck this up.

You eventually looked up at him again. Your eyes gazed at his beautiful messy hair, his fatigue blue eyes, and... his lips.

You went back to his eyes to catch him looking down at your lips. Your breath caught in your throat. Both of your eyes met in that second. Your faces inches away from each other.

Both of you scared to lean in. Both of you wanted it more than anything.

His rough fingertips grazing your cheek so lightly.

In that moment, you realized what you were risking. Did you really want to go down the same path you went down before? You move for a boy, fall for a boy... get hurt by a boy.

Carmy was all you got right now. You didn't want to risk anything that would make you lose that. As much you wanted to kiss him and give into every urge you had, the sting of your previous mistake was still there in the back of you mind. In this moment, you needed to take a step back before you did something you might regret.

You dropped your head not wanting to look into his eyes with what you were going to say next.

"Carmy...I-I can't," your voice barely audible.

"Fuck, I'm sorry- I don't..." He fumbled.

"I just... I've been here before. I can't make the same mistake,"

Carmy pulled away from you completely. His hands left yours, you felt the absence of heat immediately after he pulled away.

"I-I fucked up, I'm sorry" He shuffled to his feet.

"It's not that..." You tried to get words out, but before you knew it, Carmy had grabbed his jacket and was on his way out.

"Carmen," you sternly called out, getting up from the floor.

But the door was already shut. Your gut was twisting back and forth. You were so dazed on what just happened. It was too fast for you to even digest. You stood there for several moments trying to understand what was going on.

The last thing you wanted to do was hurt him. You felt your stomach churn realizing that you might have destroyed one of your closest friendships. You wanted him, you wanted to explain how you felt. You wanted him to convince you that you weren't making a mistake.

The deep feeling of anxiety in your stomach had emerged again, only this time much worse. As tears rolled down your face, you barely had the energy or will to tear the plastic wrapping off your mattress and root in the box, that was labeled 'bedding', to get a pillow and blanket. You let your body fall back on the mattress and instantly closed your eyes. This was suppose to be a new beginning in a new city. That clearly wasn't happening now that you've hurt one of the only people who you were close to in this city. The sirens in distance helped you phase into a deep sleep. Fatigue finally taking over your body. You didn't have any energy left to do anything else.

Carmy got back to his apartment, his stomach in knots. repeating the last moment he had with you. Remembering the pounding in his heart when looking into your eyes. Then, the sensation morphing into a sharp pain when you said his name in a negative tone.

He couldn't stop thinking about it over and over. He didn't even remember walking home. After you said his name, everything turned into a blur. The tone in your voice made him feel ashamed of himself. Were you disappointed in him as a friend when you needed him most? That you thought he was trying to take advantage of you at your most vulnerable? All these thoughts were whizzing around in his brain. His rational thoughts were no longer pushing through.

Should he have stayed to explain himself? Explain what he felt for you was something real that he's never had before. It's the surest thing that he has in his life right now, his feelings for you.

The last few days his thoughts made it plainly obvious that he wants to be more than friends. He was able to admire you when he usually couldn't. The everyday you. The you that was sleeping, eating, just living. He caught himself smiling to himself multiple times for no real reason. The only difference was, he was around you.

He kicked his shoes in the corner, dropping his jacket on the ground before dropping back on the couch. To say he was deflated was an understatement. The thought of seeing you tomorrow would usually make his pulse speedup but now, he felt a sinking feeling in his stomach.

He went through all the awful scenarios in his head. Were you going to ignore him? Or tell him to fuck off? Or tell him that you only ever saw him as a friend? Nothing else.

The last one drove a lump in his throat. He knew he wasn't going to get much sleep tonight. He didn't even care if he didn't. The only thing he wanted now was tomorrow to go by as fast and painlessly as possible.

Chapter 5

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starrgaziinggg · 1 year

Text

FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS | lee minho

PART EIGHT

You finally meet the man your friends Felix and Hyunjin have been blabbing about for the past couple months, and he's a royal pain in the ass.

Lee Minho is a legacy at your university. He received an honorary award when he graduated, got a position as a dancer in a company a week after receiving his diploma...and was renowned as the schools famous ice-cold fuckboy.

After coming back from a three month tour, you're introduced to him through your uni friends...and your life does a 180. It's hard enough to pass classes whilst also trying to navigate your failing relationship...but the added tension that comes with the dance prodigy you seem to be spending more and more time with?

Some would say it's too much to handle.

|Non idol AU|university AU|friends to lovers|

part eight

Everybody knows January is always the slowest month of the year. The year end always passes by in a blur, the days seemingly non existent until new year hits and suddenly it's as though time has slowed down. The days stretch, and January is a long, cold, gruelling month.

That's exactly how your January went. You'd stayed with your family over Christmas and new year, letting the boys invite of spending new year with them be turned down. They understood that you hadn't seen your family since the start of the semester, and wanted to spend as much time as possible with your parents and grandmother until you had to return back to Seoul for the start of the semester.

The only good parts about the start of second semester was that you enjoyed your class rotation, one of your end of school year exams was a group project that ran throughout the course of the whole semester so you got to pair up with Hyunjin and Felix, and you ended up passing all your exams with flying colours.

Of course you, Hyunjin and Felix had gone out to celebrate, bringing the rest of the boys, who had also passed their exams (even Changbin, which was miraculous since he barely attended his classes and did next to no revision) and Chan tagged along too. The only one who wasn't there was Minho, for obvious reasons.

You hadn't spoken to him at all since he'd left. He hadn't made any effort to reach out to you, so you reciprocated the action. It wasn't as though you had much to talk about over the phone, anyway. You'd said what you needed to say when you'd seen him last, and that was that.

After the events of last semester, your life almost started to feel boring, monotonous. It was the same schedule daily; go to classes with Hyun and Lix, come back to the dorms and either watch tv with Seungmin or wait for him to get back from baseball practice and make him spend time with you then.

He knew you were bummed about the whole situation, and although he'd refrained from saying, 'I told you so', you could tell he wanted to knock some sense into you. He'd said from the start that your friends with benefits situation with Minho wasn't good for you, since he could see your feelings for him a mile off. He knew you too well, you'd decided.

Despite this, he'd been a great friend to you after your return to your dorm the first week of January. He played mario kart with you whenever you asked, still cooked you most of your meals, and let you vent about how much you missed Minho. He was probably sick of hearing it, but he never showed.

Hyunjin, although you'd seen him multiple times since you'd been back home, had been kind of distant with you. He hadn't really been his usual clingy, excitable self, though you had no idea why. You didn't blame him for the misunderstanding because you knew how rumours spread - one piece of stray information gets misconstrued and ends up a whole different thing entirely.

You hadn't spoken to him about it much, other than just explaining that he was wrong about the whole thing, and you were starting to think he was more upset about the whole situation than you initially thought. It was due to this that when Hyunjin messaged you, a message very similar to the one you'd received that had started this whole thing, you'd agreed to meet him at the coffee shop for a chat.

The early January air seemed impossibly colder than that of December, so you were pleased to escape the freezing chill of the outdoors as the bell chimed in the coffee shop, signalling your arrival. The best part about the coffee shop you spent most of your time in was that it was less than a five minute walk away from your dorm - and, obviously, that Jeongin worked there. He gives you a wave and a smile from behind the counter, before letting his eyes dash to an obviously stressed Hyunjin sitting in the booth, and back to you.

You shrug at him, unable to do much more, as you walk up to your booth and place a hand on Hyunjin's shoulder to notify him of your presence, since he was sitting in the chair facing away from the door. He practically jolts out his skin when he feels your presence, standing up awkwardly. He moves to hug you without thinking twice, and you'd be lying if you said you hadn't missed his embrace, and him acting fine with you in general.

It's strange for a second as you slide into the booth silently, waiting for Hyunjin to start speaking. After he doesn't make a move to start, fiddling with his fingers instead, you go to talk - just as he begins to speak, which make you both laugh nervously.

"You go," you say, mostly because you weren't actually sure what you were going to say to him in the first place. He takes a deep breath before he begins talking.

"I'm sorry, I'm just getting this massive wave of deja vu and it's making me all wonky," he whines, and paired with the puppy dog look he has on his face, you can't help but to chuckle at him.

"I know, me too," you say honestly. "But whatever you need to tell me, it's alright."

He uses your encourage words and takes them in his stride, pushing on with what he wanted to tell you. "I don't know if you know, but Minho hasn't talked to me since he left. Well, until yesterday."

You did not know this. You had thought Minho's radio silence was reserved only for you; subject to your terms of his leaving for two months.

"Had he been talking to the other guys?" You ask, and he nods, frowning. He pulls the strings of his puffer jacket.

"Yeah, so I figured he was annoyed at me for telling you, you know," he says, tilting his head. You knew. "But he called me last night, saying that Seungmin forced him to call me and sort things out."

You nod this time, knowing Seungmin hated it when his friends fought and although he always put up a demeanour as though he couldn't care less, he was always the one to try and make his friends make up after an argument.

"He was practically screaming down the phone at first, and I understood why after he explained everything to me."

You tilt your head. "Explained what?"

"About how he's practically in love with you," he says instantly, widening his eyes afterwords and covering his mouth with his hands. "Fuck, he specifically told me not to tell you that. See, this is why I keep messing things up so much!"

"It's fine, Hyun," you say sincerely. "I won't say anything. Did he actually tell you that?"

Hyunjin nods slowly. "Yeah, those exact words, amidst some shouting about how I'm a terrible friend."

You can tell he's genuinely upset about whatever Minho had told him, so you go to hold his hand, choosing to focus on comforting your friend over focusing on the revelation. He squeezes yours as soon as you make contact.

"He didn't mean that, Hyunjin. He was just angry," you say, knowing that Minho would regret everything he said to Hyunjin as soon as he'd calmed down. "You're not a terrible friend, you just got things wrong."

"I guess," Hyunjin replies, deflated. "But I still have a lot of apologies to make, and I wanted to do them in person, starting with you. Since Minho isn't back for another three weeks, obviously."

He sighs, looking at your intertwined hands before talking again. "I'm so, so sorry for not being supportive of you and Minho. He was right - he's supposed to be one of my closest, longest friends, and I had absolutely no faith in him. Even after he told me that he felt different about you right at the start, I didn't believe him."

You screw your face up at him, and he almost bangs his head off the table. "Oh my fucking god, I need to shut up, seriously."

"What do you mean he told you right at the start he felt differently about me?"

"I wasn't supposed to tell you that. Jesus, I'm turning into Felix telling all these secrets."

"Hyunjin," you say warningly, and he throws his hands up in the air in defence.

"Okay, okay. You remember that night, when we went clubbing after you and Doha broke up, and me and Minho talked pretty much the whole time we were having drinks in your dorm?" You nod your head in response. "It was then. He basically said he thought there was something special about you, and if anything was ever going to happen between you both he didn't want it to just be some meaningless fling."

You have to force your jaw to stay in place at Hyunjin's revelation. This kind of changed everything, since you knew now how serious Minho was about actually being with you. He'd known it from the start, even going as far as to tell Hyunjin about it.

"But please, please forget I told you that - this is all, fuck, I just need to shut up," Hyunjin rushes out. "Anyway, I just wanted to say how sorry I am about...well, everything. I was horrible to you about your ex, and even though he was a dickhead, I should have been nicer about the whole thing. And then, when you started seeing Minho and I was so judgmental about that too..."

He trails off, and when you look at him properly you realise he's tearing up. He looks down at his lap, sniffling, and your heart genuinely breaks in two. Without a second thought, you stand up and move to his side of the table, wrapping your arms around him. You weren't much of a hugger, but you knew when your friends needed comforting.

Hyunjin responds instantly, letting you hug him and wrapping his arms around your waist. "God, I don't even know why I'm crying."

"It's okay, Hyun," you chuckle, starting to feel emotional yourself. You hated seeing your friends upset (every time Felix so much as drunk cried, your heart shattered), so seeing Hyunjin cry because he felt bad about how he'd treated you was awful.

When you finally pull away from him, he wipes his eyes with his jacket sleeve, running both hands through his long blonde hair as if to sort himself out.

"Jesus, this is not how I wanted this conversation to go," he laughs slightly, revealing his dimples as he shakes his head. "But we're okay, right?"

"Of course we're okay!" You say in disbelief. You'd never had someone care so much about your friendship as to be this worried about it before. As much as you hated seeing Hyun so emotional, it was almost heartwarming to know how much he truly cared for you. "You didn't do anything you did out of spite, you only did it cause you were looking out for me."

He hums, nodding, giving you a lopsided smile. "I think one of the reasons I'm so protective over you is because you're an only child, too. We never had siblings to look out for us, we just had to figure things out for ourselves, and sometimes I feel like you're the little sister I never had. Especially with boys."

He adds the last part in a comedic tone, but it doesn't stop your eyes brimming. You know exactly what he means, and it pulls at your heartstrings. Just before your about to get all sentimental, though, Jeongin dumps his apron on the table and places an extra fancy hot chocolate in front of you, sliding into the booth next to you.

"So, I'm on my break - are you two done with your soppy lovey moment?" He says cheekily, so you roll your eyes at him and give his shoulder a nudge.

"Yes, we're done idiot," Hyunjin replies, distaste in his tone. "Why does she get a free drink and I don't?"

"Because I like her more than I like you," Jeongin says plainly, shrugging. "Now, tell me more about this secret birthday party I'm not supposed to know about."

You spend the next couple hours drinking hot chocolate (you swore Jeongin made the best in the world) and trying to avoid the topic of Jeongin's secret birthday party, which actually was very real and apparently not very secret. You'd all been planning it for months, since he was turning twenty one - a special birthday. All of you had done your best not to tell Jeongin about what was going on, but once Felix knew, he couldn't keep his mouth shut, and Jeongin caught on pretty quickly.

You'd just returned from the shops one night a week later, out to buy your joint present with Seungmin for Jeongin (a pair of shoes you knew he had his eyes on), when you were faced with someone you honestly did not expect to ever talk to again.

As you pushed open the main door of your dorm, balancing a shopping bag, a shoe box and a birthday banner in one hand and your keys in the other, you called out for Seungmin to come and help you carry your things inside. You'd realised something was up when he emerged looking distressed, giving you a worried look.

"What?" Is all you said, an eyebrow raised as he took the shopping bag from you and you headed through to your room to dump all the things you'd bought for Jeongin's party.

"Um," Seungmin started nervously, moving in your way to block your bedroom door. "Firstly, I tried my best to stop her and secondly, please don't scream at me. Or kill me."

You're utterly confused until you push your bedroom door open and Sooyun is sitting on your bed, on her phone. She looks up at you. Your eyes widen as you slowly turn to Seungmin.

"You're a dead man," you say quietly, dumping everything you were holding on the floor and turning to throttle him. He ducks out of your reach.

"Please don't!" Sooyun speaks up, the sound of her voice more than jarring. "It's not his fault, I demanded he let me in. Literally."

"I never though I'd say this," Seungmin says with a shaky voice, holding your wrists in his hands. "But she's right, I really did try to keep her out but she's scrappy!"

You turn to look at Sooyun, who gives you a nervous smile. "I am pretty scrappy."

With a huff, you turn on your heel to face Seungmin. "If were not done talking in five minutes, I've probably murdered her, and you will need to help me bury the body."

"Fair enough," Seungmin breaths out, saluting you as he slowly backs away. You turn to Sooyun.

"What the hell are you doing here?"

"I'm doing good, how are you?" Sooyun starts, rolling her eyes sarcastically and clasping her hands. "I'm loving this warm welcome."

"Get out," is all you reply with, pointing towards your door. She huffs, softening up physically.

"Okay, okay, sorry," she rushes, sighing. "You know I use humour as a coping mechanism."

You don't even say anything, just wait for her to continue with whatever it is she's come here to say. You'd honestly be more than content with never speaking to her again but, alas - life seemed to have other plans.

"I'm sorry," she says, and you can tell she's being sincere. You used to know her inside and out, after all. You move to sit on your bed, the opposite end to Sooyun. "I genuinely, really am. I never intended for you to find out the way you did, and I honestly never intended to go behind your back, either."

"But you did do both of those things," you say, surprisingly calmly.

"I did yes, but in my defence I did try to tell you before you found out," she reasons, and you roll your eyes. "You were brushing me off the whole week before you walked in on me and Doha. I tried to make plans with you so many times to tell you, and you ditched me every time."

"I ditched you because I'd just found out Doha was cheating on me!" You shout, remembering you're in a communal living situation and attempting to lower your voice. "I wanted to figure things out myself. I was planning on dumping Doha and coming to tell you, but that didn't happen."

Sooyun huffs, looking up at the ceiling, and when you take a peek at her you watch tears well up in the corner of her eyes.

"I know," she says softly, surprising you. "I know I'm the worst friend ever, and I don't want to excuse my actions at all. I shouldn't have gone behind your back, and I shouldn't have lied to you about it and - I just..."

She stops, taking a deep breath. "I just want you to know that I am sorry for what I did to you, and I will always be sorry. It's the worst thing I've ever done."

"So why did you do it?"

She waits for a second before speaking again, turning to look at you properly. "I never intended to love him, not at all. He was you're boyfriend, but I'd always kind of had a crush on him. I just put it to the back burner for your sake -"

You scoff. "How kind of you."

She actually chuckles at your interruption, shaking her head before continuing. "But then in summer, we bumped into each other in that coffee shop near my place in Busan, and got to talking. I tried so, so hard to ignore my feelings but when he started reciprocating them...I just couldn't help myself. I know it's terrible, and I don't want or expect you to ever forgive me for what I did."

"So what's the point in telling me all this?" You ask, genuinely wondering why she felt the need to explain herself after all these months.

"I actually wanted to talk to you about you, and then in turn I knew I should at least try and apologise," she says, and you tilt your head. "When I saw you at the Christmas markets, you know, at the skating rink, I realised how much I'd missed you."

"What's that got to do with what you want to tell me?"

"You've been looking miserable around campus recently," she points out, and you know she's right. "You looked ecstatic that day at the ice rink with Minho."

"You know him?"

"Everyone knows Lee Minho, babe," she chuckles. "Well done, by the way."

You shrug, feeling kind of proud.

"But you've not been together recently, and I figured that might have something to do with the fact you've had a face like a slapped ass of recent," she tilts her head questioningly. "And as much as you hate me now, we once told each other everything, and it pains me to see you so upset."

Oh, what the hell. You hated her, sure, but you could use a girls perspective on your current situation. You didn't need to make amends with her and you certainly didn't like her by any means.

"He's working away for two months," you start to explain the basics, not wanting to spare huge details of your life to the girl who stabbed you in the back. "And we left things on a bit of a limbo note. I'm fine, it's just...weird."

You notice the way her eyes light up as you speak to her, not expecting you to open up. "Well, if it's any consolation, you looked really cute together. You were smiling at him in a way I don't think I've ever seen you smile, or be as comfortable as you were with Doha. And I'm not just saying that due to the circumstances."

You can't help but let out a laugh. The whole situation was beyond you at this point, and you had much bigger issues you wanted to deal with. At least this was a step towards all that mental improvement you'd told Minho you'd achieve before he came home.

"This doesn't mean I forgive you," you point out with a straight face, and Sooyun holds her hands up.

"Don't expect you too," she counters. "As long as you take in my apology, and sort out your shit with your man, that's good enough for me."

"Excellent. Now get out," you say, but you're smiling slightly as you say it, and she gives you a small smile back as she stands up. When she opens your door, Seungmin is standing cautiously on the other side.

"Oh thank god," he breaths out, placing a hand on his heart. "I was about to get the gloves and shovel out."

Sooyun chuckles, manoeuvring past Seungmin to stand in your hallway. "I wouldn't have been surprised if you had to. It's what I deserve."

Seungmin turns to you with a raised eyebrow and you shrug in response. "Bye, Sooyun."

"Bye guys," is all she says, turning on her heel and seeing herself out of your dorm. Seungmin comes to join you, creating a dip in your bed as he takes a seat.

"So," he starts, getting himself comfortable and turning to face you slowly. "What did the she devil want?"

"Surprisingly, all she wanted was to apologise and tell me she thinks I've looked miserable since Minho left," you answer, rolling your eyes at the nickname that's clearly stuck around after all these months.

"Hm," Seungmin says audibly, a curious look to his face. You'd noticed Seungmin was strangely good at reading people, always paying more attention than most. "She's not wrong, to be fair. But that's all? I thought you guys would be screaming at each other, honestly."

You chuckle, shrugging your shoulders. "Same, seriously. I'm shocked at how civil our conversation was - she literally just apologised and explained how she'd had a crush on Doha for a while or whatever, and wanted to tell me she was seeing him the weekend I found out and broke up with him, so she didn't get the chance."

"Interesting," Seungmin raises his eyebrows. "While it was decent of her to apologise, she's still a snake. And, why does she think she can tell you shit about you're own life as if she has any say in it anymore?"

"Who fucking knows," you groan, leaning against the wall beside your bed, turning your head to look over at Seungmin. "I'm over it. I can be civil."

"She doesn't deserve civil," he points out.

"That's true, but I'm not wasting anymore energy over it. I have other issues to deal with," you say with a sigh. Seungmin tilts his head at you.

"You're finally maturing!" He gleams, grinning at you and showing off his braces. You roll your eyes playfully, knowing that he's kind of right. "You're a better woman than me."

When all you do is raise an eyebrow, he laughs and shakes his head. "You know what I mean. Anyway, how are you doing? You know, with the whole Minho situation."

"I dunno," you respond lazily. "I kind of realised I missed him when I started rereading our texts when I couldn't sleep, and now I just want him to come home."

"That's the last stage - acceptance."

"He's not died, Seungmin," your quick to cut in with a laugh.

"No, but it's the same principle. At least you can finally admit you like him more than as just a sneaky link," Seungmin points out, rearranging his position on your bed.

"It wasn't a very sneaky link," you shake your head laughing. "But yeah, I like him. He's not given me any reason to not. I feel like I was just trying to downplay my feelings for him because I didn't want to admit to myself I liked him as much as I do."

"I get it," Seungmin says after humming. "It's scary to get intense feelings for someone so quick after your relationships ended."

"Yeah," you nod, agreeing with him. Seungmin never failed to help you figure out your emotions. "God, if Minho could hear this conversation he'd be gloating."

"Oh, he so would be," Seungmin laughs, rolling his eyes and the thought of his friend. "On a less deep note, did you get the shoes for Jeongin?"

"Yup," you say, heaving yourself up off your bed to grab the box with Jeongin's shoes in it. You open the lid off the box to show Seungmin, tilting it.

"They are hideous."

You role your eyes as you close the lid of the box again. "Shut up, he's been wanting them for ages. For some reason Jeongin can pull off clothes that would make anyone else look like a clown."

"True," Seungmin nods. "Also, have you heard about our new plan regarding Jeongin's birthday party?"

"No?" You question. Jeongin's 21st was proving to be one of the most complicated events you'd ever helped set up in your life. The boys were going all out on the celebrations, which is what you thought Jeongin deserved for putting up with their idiocy.

"We're now no longer informing Felix of any of the plans. He's out. He's a little blabbermouth and cannot be trusted."

You laugh, giving Seungmin a thumbs up. "I'm so on board with that. The amount of times I've had to cover his mouth or change the subject because he keeps 'forgetting' Jeongin's not supposed to know about his surprise party."

"He's an idiot," Seungmin chuckles, standing up from off of your bed and clasping his hands. "I think it's dinner time. Chicken wraps?"

You nod, grinning. "You speak to my soul."

Jeongin's surprise birthday party arrived faster than you'd expected, the days seeming to be a blur of decorations, organising, studying and sleeping. What was meant to be a small get together at Hyunjin and Felix's dorm turned into a full blown party at Changbin and Chan's apartment in the city centre. You weren't aware of just how many friends Jeongin had outside the guys, but he was apparently a very popular guy.

It was a whole ordeal, having to go as far as miss your last lecture on Friday afternoon to help set up. By the time you, Chan, Changbin and Seungmin were set to finish, their apartment would be transformed from a gym bro torture chamber to party central.

You'd all spared no expense with the decorations; streamers, fairy lights, tinsel, and to top it all off - a banner that read, 'happy brthday Jeongin!". Yes, Hyunjin had been in charge of the banner, and yes - he'd misspelled it.

The operation began at 5pm on the dot. Jisung's role was to assist Jeongin in getting to the party location - a process that was made ten times harder from Jisung's idea to stop Jeongin from finding out he's actually headed to his birthday party. He'd gone as far as to create a group chat excluding Jeongin (and Felix, who knew nothing) and propose his 4 step plan.

Step One: The Study Date.

Him and Jeongin had arranged a study date together on Friday after their lectures last week, leaving Jeongin unsuspecting.

Step Two: The Phone Call.

Changbin phones Jisung in a panic about how he was in the bathroom, accidentally slipped out the shower and hurt himself and the lock has broke, leaving him stranded as Chan was out. This is credible, since the dodgy bathroom lock in Chan and Changbin's apartment is infamous (due to many an awkward on-the-toilet encounter), and Changbin is quite clumsy.

Step Three: The Formation.

Jisung ropes Jeongin into going to rescue Changbin with him. Shouldn't be too hard, since Jeongin likes spending time with his friends and will have nothing better to do. Plus, he'd get a kick out of seeing Changbin trapped and in pain. Meanwhile, everyone is also on their way to the party, or already there.

Step Four: The Party.

Everyone hides and does the whole, classic, 'surprise!' scenario, Jeongin is surprised, everyone parties and life is good.

It was actually a pretty decent plan, and everyone was up for seeing it through. That's how you ended up teetering on the edge of a ladder, trying to pin the banner up.

"A little more to the left," Seungmin says, standing back so he can get a comprehensive view of the misspelled banner. You move the banner accordingly. "Hm, maybe down a bit."

You move the banner again, trying to be careful and not fall to your death.

"No, that's too far, more up," Seungmin nags again.

"Oh my god, it's going here - end of," you say exasperatedly, pinning it in place and climbing down the ladder. It looks fine, so you leave it in place and take the ladders away.

"That's the kitchen area finished," Chan announces, walking over to you and Seungmin, dusting his hands off on his trousers. "Hyunjin is such an idiot."

You laugh, nodding your head. "His excuse was that he was half asleep when he painted it."

"If we get Jeongin drunk really quickly he'll probably not notice," Seungmin points out. "Where's Changbin?"

"Here!" The man in question shouts from his room, wandering out with his phone in hand. "Fifteen minutes until the seed is planted. This place looks good!"

"Thanks," you say with a grin, knowing you'd orchestrated the decoration process. "I should probably go get changed - people should be showing up soon, right?"

"Yup," Chan answers. "I told people to show up at around seven, which is in ten minutes, so get your skates on."

"Hold on," Seungmin speaks up, a confused look on his face. "If people are coming in ten, who's getting Jeongin's cake?"

Everyone falls silent, looking towards each other. Changbin shrugs his shoulders, while you roll your eyes.

"Nobody picked up Jeongin's cake?" You groan, knowing that something was bound to go wrong after everything had been going so smoothly. You'd messaged the group chat to say the cake was due to be picked up at some point today, after ordering it online, but it had clearly gone forgotten. You'd get it if you could have, but the cake shop you'd ordered from had to be driven to, and you didn't have a car.

"Do we have time to get it before people start showing up?" Changbin asks.

"Dunno, isn't the bakery a ten minute drive from here? That's a twenty minute trip, not to mention actually getting the cake, and Jeongin and Jisung are only a five minute drive away. As soon as Changbin calls them, they'll be turning up," Chan responds, looking towards you with raised eyebrows.

"Could you drive there, Chan?" Seungmin asks, but he shakes his head.

"Changbin and I had a couple beers this afternoon," he responds, shutting down Seungmin's question. "I feel okay but I'd definitely be over the limit if I got stopped."

"Why don't you drive, Min?" You ask your dorm mate, but Changbin laughs before he gets a chance to respond.

"Seungmin? He hasn't even passed his written test, let alone the actual test," he scoffs.

You turn to Seungmin with a blank stare. "You haven't got a drivers license?"

"Shut up."

You turn on your heel to Chan. "Would you let me drive your car?"

"Sure, if you treat her with respect."

"I'll go, then," you say, because realistically it's the only option. You'd absolutely hate to miss Jeongin's suprise entrance, but you'd hate it if one of the boys missed it even more. Plus, his cake was super expensive and the plan was to bring it out for him straight away. "Where's your keys?"

Chan walks through to the kitchen area wordlessly, grabbing his car keys and chucking them towards you.

"If she comes back with a scratch -"

"You'll kill me, I know," you chuckle, giving the boys a wave and heading towards the door. "Text me when people start showing up."

"Will do. Drive safe," Seungmin answers, as you leave the apartment and hurry down the stairs. It was going to be a mission to get to the cake shop, pick up the cake and get back to the apartment before Jeongin and Jisung arrived, so you had to move quickly.

Chan's car was fairly easy to drive, which was useful since you hadn't driven much since you'd moved to the city for university. It wasn't long until you reached the cake shop. They handed over the cake after you'd checked it to make sure it was the right one, and you basically scrambled to get back in the car and put the foot down.

You'd set your maps up on your phone to find your way back to the apartment when you got the message that Changbin had called Jisung and set the plan in motion, as Jisung had been texting Changbin to say Jeongin was getting antsy in the library, which was a nightmare. Since Jisung and Jeongin were much closer to the apartment than you were, you could only hope Jisung's stalling would buy you some time.

You wouldn't call yourself a particularly fast driver, but in this instance the speed limits were useless to you. Luckily, the amount of times Minho had driven in this area like a maniac and bragged about never getting ticketed had paid off, as you knew there were no speed cameras around. Usain Bolt would have been your only rival as you parked up, grabbing the keys, your phone and the cake box as you bolted up the stairs of Chan and Changbin's apartment building.

Your efforts seemed futile, though, as you slid into the hallway outside their apartment door and saw Jeongin and Jisung standing right outside the door. There was a only a split second where Jeongin turned round upon your arrival, a confused look over his features, before the door burst open and Jeongin's friends shouted, 'surprise!'.

Although you should have been more startled by the array of people screaming in front of you, or disappointed that you'd missed being on the other side of the door for the surprise, the real reason your jaw dropped and you stood stock still was because of one particular person straight in your eye line.

Minho stood, his face only just visible behind Jisung's, amongst your friends. You felt like you were hallucinating until you were snapped back to reality.

"Oh my god?" Jeongin grins, looking between all of his friends. "How could I not have figured this out!"

"Because you weren't blessed with brains," you heard Seungmin say cheekily, earning him a scowl from the birthday boy.

"Shut up. Is it bad I'm kind of disappointed I didn't get to see Changbin in a state?"

Everyone laughs at this, and you follow as the two boys in front of you are ushered into the apartment. It takes Jeongin all but two seconds to notice Minho, and his reaction makes you think he wasn't aware of his grand return either.

"Minho hyung!" He squeals, even going as far as to give the older man a hug. "I thought you weren't able to be back in time for my birthday?"

"Change of plans," Minho says with a smile, reciprocating Jeongin's hug. "Happy birthday, kid."

The front door closes behind you, and you turn to see Jisung winking at you.

"Did you know about this?" You whisper to him, and you watch him shrug as he takes the cake box out of your hands.

"Might have done. Go say hi," he replies with a genuine smile. You roll your eyes, unable to resist smiling back at him as you turn around - and Minho is standing right there. It almost feels like a dream.

There's a moment where he just looks at you, a small smile playing at his lips, until he pulls you into him and wraps his arms around your shoulders. You just let him take you in his embrace, and if you had to describe how it felt - you'd say it felt like home.

Your reunion was, of course, interrupted as Chan strolls towards you both.

"Okay, lovebirds, there's enough time to get reacquainted later," he grins at you both. You pull apart, thankful that Jeongin's party guests had started to mingle amongst themselves and hadn't witnessed your sappy moment. "How's my baby?"

"Your cars fine," you respond, chucking his car keys in the air, which he catches. "Only scratched her a couple times."

Chan just shakes his head at you, walking away to hang up his car keys. Just as you think you've got a minute to be able to talk to Minho, your arm is swiftly pulled away and Felix drags you into him for a hug.

"Hello, my favourite girl," he grins, wiggling you about. "How's your day been since I last saw you a couple hours ago?"

You laugh, shaking your head at Felix's eternally happy nature. "It's been stressful. I actually still need to get changed, so if I could perhaps get a second -"

"BIRTHDAY SHOTS!" You hear Changbin scream from the kitchen area, and take it as your queue to dip. You silently slide away and grab your bag, heading into Chan's bedroom to get changed. He'd given you permission earlier in the afternoon to change in his room, so you start pulling your clothes out of your bag.

Before you get the chance to change, you hear a gentle knock at the door. Sighing, you shout through that they can come in.

"Sorry to interrupt," Minho says quietly, sliding through the door as if to not reveal his disappearance from the party. "I saw you come in here, and I wanted to say hi properly."

"Hi," you all but giggle, moving closer to him out of instinct. "Is it cringe if I say I've missed you?"

"Super cringe," he answers, coming closer to you still. "But I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss you too."

You hum, letting him come even closer and bringing your hand in his. He gives it a squeeze as you rest your head against his chest momentarily.

"You didn't talk to me while you were away," you mumble. You knew why he'd given you the radio silence, but it didn't hurt any less.

"I know," he sighs back, bringing his free hand up to place it in your hair. "I just wanted to give you space. I was so busy, too."

"No, I get it," you interrupt, pulling away slightly to look at him properly. "I just...I dunno, I thought I'd have a lot more time to plan what I'd say to you when you came home."

Minho chuckles, shaking his head slightly. "Well, we've got plenty of time to catch up later. If I don't give Felix about an hour of my time tonight he will kill me."

"I don't doubt it," you smile. "That boy has missed you more than I can say."

Minho can't help but smile, and you can tell how much he has missed his friends. He steps back from you slightly and nods towards your bag on Chan's bed.

"I'll leave you to it. Find me later on though, yeah? We've got a lot to talk about," Minho says, taking a few steps backwards and smiling at you before leaving.

You take a minute to yourself before getting changed, smiling inwardly at the thought of seeing Minho again, of him being back home. You'd waited for this day for almost two months and now it was here - you were more ecstatic than you thought you'd be.

Once changed, you leave Chan's bedroom to find the party in full swing already. You recognise some people, such as Jeongin's friends from work and some people on his course, but you decide to head in the direction of the birthday boy himself. You find him downing shots with Hyunjin, who gives you a grin as you walk towards him.

"Hey," he says, passing you a shot on instinct. You down it with a grimace, placing the empty glass on the table beside you. "You look less crap than you did a half hour ago."

"What a lovely compliment," you sneer, turning to the younger boy to your left. "Happy birthday Jeongin - the big twenty one."

"Don't remind me. I'm as old as you guys now," he laughs, already going to pour another round of shots. "Your decorations are great - I'm so glad they left if to you. If it was any of the boys, Hyunjin's dodgy birthday banner would be the only form of decoration."

"Hey!" Hyunjin shouts as you chuckle.

"You noticed that, did you?" You ask Jeongin, who shrugs with a grin.

"Of course I did, it's literally the centrepiece," he says, turning his attention to Hyunjin. "Really? Who forgets the 'I' in birthday?"

"Okay, okay, now that you're my age doesn't mean you get a pass to be a cheeky shit," Hyunjin counters. "The day you can outdrink me is the day you can make fun of me all you want."

Jeongin takes that as his queue to pass out the shots he has poured, so you take it and clink your glass against his and Hyunjin's before downing it. Hyunjin must have noticed what you had at that moment, Minho sitting next to Felix on the sofa, as he nudges your shoulder.

"Did you talk to him yet?" He asks.

"Yeah, a bit. Did you know he was coming home early?"

Hyunjin shakes his head, and when you look to Jeongin he shakes his too.

"No idea. It was a nice birthday surprise, except Felix won't leave him alone now," Jeongin laughs. "I'm using my birthday boy status to demand a chat."

Jeongin peels off, heading towards Minho and Felix, which leaves you and Hyunjin.

"Don't worry about it," Hyunjin says in a calm tone, obviously sensing you were nervous about how to navigate Minho being home. "Enjoy yourself tonight. I've got no doubts that Minho will be occupied all night, since everyone's missed him almost as much as you have, but you'll have plenty time after the party to talk. Or not talk, up to you."

You nudge his shoulder at his suggestive tone, but laugh all the same. "I know, I guess I'm still shocked he's even here. Have you talked to him yet?"

"Nope," Hyunjin shakes his head. "He arrived only a minute after Felix and I did, and then not even five minutes later Jeongin turned up. I'll catch him at some point tonight."

You hum in response, giving your friend a small smile. "You shouldn't worry either," you say, knowing your emotional friend is probably shitting it for his conversation with Minho after everything that happened. "It will be fine between you two."

"Yeah, I know. I just hope he knows how sorry I am."

You roll your eyes at Hyunjin, unable to help yourself. "Come on you big softie, you know what Minho's like. He probably already doesn't care."

Hyunjin's face lights up at this, as if you've reminded him how much Minho actually loves him, and that he won't let one stupid incident bother him too much.

"You're right," Hyunjin nods, pulling a hand through his messy blonde hair.

You shrug your shoulders in response. "I always am. Now, want to pour us some drinks? Plus, isn't that girl you were seeing a couple months ago, the one on Jeongin's course, here? Maybe you could apologise for ditching her at the library that one time."

Hyunjin laughs, shaking his head. "Yeah, that might be a good idea," he says, looking in the direction of that girl and her friends, until Seungmin starts walking towards you both. "Want a drink, Seungmo?"

"Was just about to ask for one," Seungmin responds, giving Hyunjin a thumbs up when he picks up the bottle of liquor Seungmin wanted. "Plus, I wanted to tell you both to stop moping in the corner. Jeongin's adamant on setting up beer pong, and I need to win this time. He's never stopped rubbing the New Years game in my face."

"What happened on new years?" You ask, the two boys having clearly forgotten you weren't there.

"Only the greatest showdown in history," Hyunjin responds with a grin, handing you and Seungmin the drinks he poured for you both. "It was Jeongin, Changbin and Felix vs me, Seungmin and Changbin with Jisung as ref. It was the most intense game, and Jeongin ended up winning at the last second."

"With some dirty tactics," Seungmin huffs sulkily, turning his attention to you. "Anyway, I'm replacing Changbin with you on my team, because he lost for us last time, so come on."

The beer pong game you get roped into ends up lasting hours, since Jeongin continuously disappears to either talk to his party guests or down the never ending cycle of drinks being given to him. Due to this, Seungmin's team ends up winning, even after Hyunjin's position is switched out to one of Jeongin's work colleagues, since Hyunjin's attempt to apologise to that girl he left in the library actually works.

When people start heading home after a couple hours, you notice him leave with that same girl, a cheeky grin plastering his face. You shake your head at him in response as you continue your clean up mission. Everyone had gotten very drunk very quickly, which had led to Chan and Changbin's apartment getting all but trashed.

Hyunjin's birthday banner was ripped in half, both sides dangling off the wall, though Jeongin had said it looked better like that, since you couldn't see the spelling mistake well. The birthday boy in question was crashed on the couch, the alcohol clearly overcoming him. Felix was right there with him, though that was the opposite of a surprise. You'd think with how often that boy drank he'd began to build a tolerance, but alas.

That left you, Seungmin, Chan, Changbin, Jisung and Minho, each one of you doing your bit to help make the apartment look as presentable as a bunch of drunk people could. You were placing all the red cups into a trash bag, when you felt someone tap your shoulder. Turning, you see Minho behind you, handsome as ever.

"Hey," he says with a smile. "Seungmin and Jisung are planning to crash here tonight, but I was wondering if you wanted a lift home? I haven't been drinking."

You can't help but inwardly smile, not only at the prospect of getting to spend time with Minho, but also at being able to sleep in your own bed and not on the sweat infested gym bro couch.

"Yeah, that would be great," you agree. "When do you want to go?"

"Now, please. I can only spend small doses of time in this apartment. It's the embodiment of revolting," Minho shudders, taking the bin bag from you and tying it up, walking towards the front door with you in tow to place it with the others.

"Oh come on," you counter. "It's not that bad."

"If you opened that fridge, all you'd see is chicken, beer, and protein shakes. This is a terrifying place."

You laugh, turning to find Seungmin and say goodbye. You spot him on his phone, chilling on the sofa beside a sleeping Jeongin who not only had a bunch of random objects stacked on top of him, but had 'dick' written on his forehead.

Walking over, he catches your attention and gives you his signature salute. You return it with a smile. "Use protection," he says lowly to you, an eyebrow raised.

"Shut your mouth," you smile sweetly back, grabbing the dorm keys he chucks at you and turning on your heel. Minho waves bye at his friends quietly, not wanting to wake up the two sleeping beauties.

"Cars parked just outside," he informs you as you both walk down the stairs. "Sorry I couldn't spend much time with you tonight, it was like every time one conversation ended, another one began straight away, and I was in an endless loop of talking about the same thing."

"It must get annoying," you say, walking out the front door of the apartment building as Minho holds the door open for you. "I bet you end up having the same conversation again and again every time you come home from touring."

"Mhm," Minho says, using his car keys to open the door before you both climb in. It feels strange, being back in Minho's car as if he hadn't been gone. "But I won't have to do it anymore."

You turn to him, visibly confused. His eyes widen, and he shakes his head. "Shit. Guess the cats out the bag."

"You're not touring anymore?"

"It was meant to be more of a grand reveal," he sighs with a smile, whilst you practically squeal. It didn't help that you were drunk, being told news as exciting as this.

"So, how - what are you doing now?" You ask, trying to get a grasp of what was happening. Minho starts the car and pulls away, heading in the direction of your dorm.

"You know how I was telling you about possibly getting a permanent position here in Seoul?," he asks, which you nod at. "Well, when I was touring a position opened up, and I applied for it straight away. I was offered the position two days ago, and the transfer was instantaneous. I got the first flight home I could."

You felt like you were dreaming, which wasn't helped from the alcohol in your system. "So you get to stay here, all the time?"

"Yup. I work for a venue owned by my company, which means I'll only ever be dancing there. No need to leave anymore," he smiles, keeping his eyes on the road. "The pay rate isn't as good, but since I'll be working more than when I was touring, I end up making more money in the long run."

You sigh contemptibly, grinning like a madman without even meaning to. It's not long until Minho is pulling up outside your dorm building.

"Are you coming in?" You ask, which he nods at.

"Yeah, if that's what you want," he smiles, getting out of his car. You do the same, closing the door behind you and using your keys to open the main door. Once you reach your bedroom, you can't help but to rush into Minho's arms. He chuckles at you, knowing the alcohol is definitely fuelling your emotions.

It doesn't stop him from holding you tightly against him, placing his head on top of yours.

"I lied before," you mumble. Minho raises an eyebrow, waiting for you to continue. "I didn't just miss you. I wished you'd come home every day. Life wasn't the same without you in it."

Minho doesn't say anything straight away, and at first you think he's going to turn around and say he doesn't like you, he doesn't want to be with you - until you pull away from him slightly and realise he's tearing up.

"What's wrong?" You say instantly, going on your tip toes to catch the tears in the corners of his eyes before they fall.

"Being away from you - it was way harder than I thought it was going to be. There was so many times I wanted to call you just to hear your voice, but I wanted to give you the space you needed. And then when Hyunjin called me, I just got so angry about the whole situation, and I took it out on him which I shouldn't have. I still need to apologise to him for that," he chuckles. "But it made me realise how much I genuinely cared for you, how much I missed you."

You look between his eyes as he talks, taking everything in.

"Why don't we sit down," Minho smiles, nodding towards your bed. "I've got so much I want tot tell you."

"Me too," you agree, sitting on your bed and making yourself comfortable. "You go first."

"No, you," he counters, his usual demanding self. "I want to hear about what you've been up to."

You shake your head but oblige nonetheless. "Well, I did good in all my exams, and I haven't had anymore shit from my lecturers. I haven't really done much, other than spend time with the guys and study."

Minho nods as he listens. "I knew you'd ace those exams, I didn't doubt it."

You smile. "You helped a lot, though. Oh - I almost forgot, the other week Sooyun came to see me."

"The she witch?" Minho says, shocked. "What the hell did she want?"

"She basically told me she's sorry blah blah and that she said I've looked miserable since you left."

Minho's features soften at this, and on instinct his hand goes towards yours. He takes it in his absentmindedly, and you had to admit, you missed the way his skin felt against yours. Warm and safe.

"You...you were miserable whilst I was away?" He asks sincerely.

"Not miserable, just not as happy," you say. "You've been a big part in my life the end of last year, and when you left, it was like a little bit of my happiness did too."

Minho tilts his head, studying you. "I felt the exact same way. It was fucking weird - I thought I'd be fine and I'd be home in a couple months and we'd see each other, but I just couldn't stop thinking about you."

"Hyunjin said you said you love me," you blurt out all of a sudden, and you watch as the tips of Minho's ears turn bright red. You smile at his reaction.

"Hyunjin is an idiot. But he's not wrong."

The smile is completely wiped from your face, hearing him say that out loud.

"You love me?" You say cautiously, not quite believing it was real.

"I don't know much about love," Minho sighs, a small smile on his face. "My parents...they weren't loving to me. Hell, I don't think they even love each other. But, if someone asked me what I think it is - I would say it was this. You. My feelings for you are as close to romantic love as I ever thought I was capable of having."

Shell shocked wouldn't even begin to describe your feelings. You can't help but feel tears brim at the corners of your eyes, just like Minho's had done moments before. He chuckles at your reaction.

"I've never had a serious girlfriend, and I don't know if I'll be any good at being a boyfriend, but if you feel the way I feel, I want to try with you. You are stubborn, naive, and such a brat," he starts, and you scowl at him. He laughs in return before continuing. "But you are also the kindest, most talented, and beautiful person I have ever met. I knew you were special the moment we met, and I'd be an idiot to ever let you go."

"You're just as stubborn as me," you say, stubbornly focusing on that part of Minho's speech. He laughs openly at you, shaking his head with adoration.

"I am, but you love me for it anyway," he says cheekily.

"I do."

"Say it," Minho says instantly, staring you down. "Say you love me."

"What do I get in return?"

Minho scoffs. "You get to love me? What's better than that?"

"A paracetamol and a glass of water," you say, the effects of the alcohol already starting to kick into your system. Minho laughs at you, shaking his head.

"Okay, doll. If you say you love me, I'll nurse your hangover," he says honestly, hands up.

"Even tomorrow? You'll stay the night?" You ask, putting on your best puppy dog eyes.

Minho nods, holding his pinky out. "I promise. Now say you love me."

You look properly into his eyes, sincerity taking over. "Are you ready for my cringe speech?"

He laughs, nodding, so you continue.

"Being cheated on sucks. It's shit to put all your effort into somebody just for them to stomp on it. You were there for me throughout a really crap period of time. You were my friend, and then you were something more, and as much as you were a distraction to what had happened, you also became my rock. My shoulder to lean on - and I really don't know what I would have done without you during those months. You showed me what it felt to be genuinely liked again, sparked my happiness and passion and everything else, and I am so thankful for your dumb existence," you say, trying to keep your confession semi lighthearted. Minho smiles.

You take a deep breath, looking up at Minho. "I love you, Minho. I feel like I didn't know what proper love was until I met you. Nobody has ever treated me like you do, and I have never felt such intense feelings for anyone, ever. I love you, and I'm so glad you feel the same way."

Minho shakes his head fondly, a smile threatening to crack over his features.

"God, who turned us into such sappy people?" He asks, looking back at you.

"Who knows," you laugh, trying your hardest not to cry from all the emotions you were feeling.

"So, what do you think about being my girlfriend?," Minho asks, immediately talking again afterwards. "If you don't want to make things official too quickly that's okay, I mean we have only been on one date and -"

"I would love to be your girlfriend, Minho," you reply seriously. He stops rambling and smiles.

"Really?"

You laugh at him. "Really, really. Your first act as my boyfriend can be to get me some damn paracetamol, my head is pounding."

Minho chuckles as he shakes his head, standing up off the bed. "Is this my life now? Servitude to your highness?"

"Hey! You signed up for this," you laugh, watching as Minho walks out your door to head to your kitchen, knowing exactly where you keep the medication.

You smile in at at yourself, thinking back to the first time you met Minho at that bar, thinking back to how enamoured you were with him and how easily he became such an important part of your life.

It hadn't been easy to get to where you were now, going from nothing but acquaintances, to friends with benefits, to nothing at all - but you'd do it over again in a heartbeat, to be able to call Minho your boyfriend.

"Here you go, love," he says when he returns, placing a glass in your hand and the pills in the other, smiling down at you with adoration.

Yeah, you'd do it all over again.

Maybe friends with benefits works out after all.

sorry about the wait, yet again. I hope this heals all your broken hearts!! feedback is always appreciated, and a massive thankyou to everyone who’s ever interacted with this story <333

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@miamyre @skzgallll @kgllmre @tangerminie @nepytune @jeyelleohe @dis-baku-bitch @judeduartewannabe @endzii23 @mitchinggoni @vixensss @odhnlzl101 @yoonguurt @trashieforchannie @xcookiemonsteer @kingsoowolves@woahsehun @laylasbunbunny @sahazzy @hyukastuffies @multifandomtrash-dree @sherlockholmes08 @iam2out @jisungxident @amnmich @raspbinniecreme @fairygemss @linoots @galaxleeknow @ninashellhole @casualwombatcheesecake @kpopwh0r3 @fixation-dump @mal-lunar-28 @vidkqb @foreverdreamingofyou20 @zerefdragn33l @i8rsie @strayluvr @multinci @cutiespghetti @identityincrisissoulinhell @yoontaethings @lomllino @biribarabiribbaem @downbadreading

#lee know #lee know x y/n #lee know x reader #lee know fluff #lee know imagines #lee know x you #lee know smut #stray kids minho #stray kids boyfriend #lee minho #lee minho x you #lee minho smut #minho lee #stray kids x reader #stray kids #stray kids smut #stray kids fluff

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blueskrugs · 1 year

Text

More than a Memory | Quinn Hughes

I write quinn now, but apparently only for @matthewtkachuk. surprise babe! hope you enjoy this one, my latest @antoineroussel fic exchange fic! (and it’s not even late!) it was unbelievably hard not to message you about this while I was writing it.

special shoutout to my real-life Sam, who inspired more of this fic than I’d care to admit.

recommended listening: More than a Memory by Garth Brooks

length: 5.3k words

When you were ten years old, Quinn Hughes was your almost-first-kiss.

You still remembered the moment as if it were yesterday. In a rare quiet moment in the Hughes household, you were sitting on their living room floor with your eyes closed, where Quinn had told you to wait. You almost flinched when you felt Quinn’s fingers brush your wrist. You cracked open one eye. Quinn was carefully winding a friendship bracelet around your wrist and tying it in a knot. You squeezed your eyes shut again.

Quinn pressed his forehead to yours. You didn’t dare breathe.

The back door slammed, Jack or Luke, probably, and you both jolted away from each other. Quinn kneed you in the side as he tried to roll away from you. You were both breathless with nervous laughter—and you with a little bit of pain—when Jack appeared in the doorway. He looked between the two of you for a moment with all the confusion of an eight year old who didn’t understand his older brother.

“Come outside, and play with us,” Jack complained.

It was January in Toronto, and it was cold out. Jack didn’t seem to care about that part. You and Quinn shared a look, but you both grabbed your coats and hats and followed Jack outside.

That had been over ten years ago.

You and Quinn had grown apart over the years after that day. Once best friends, you quickly felt like you were becoming strangers. Quinn started focusing more on hockey, and your friendship fell through the cracks. It was painful for a while. You missed Quinn terribly, even though he hadn’t gone anywhere. There was a whole year where he barely spoke to you at all, even though you spent all day in the same classrooms.

Eventually, hockey took the Hughes family to Michigan, and you lost contact with Quinn entirely. You did your best to forget about Quinn, but you kept the thin green friendship bracelet looped around your wrist.

But that was then, and this is now. That was before you grew up, before you left your family behind and moved across the country to Vancouver. Before, well, everything.

You didn’t think much about Quinn Hughes these days. You knew he’d been drafted out here, but you didn’t pay much more attention to his career than that. It was for your own sanity, really. Besides, Vancouver was a big city. The odds of you ever running into Quinn were pretty low.

Or so you thought. You run into Quinn for the first time at the grocery store of all places. You almost don’t recognize him at first, and he doesn’t see you, too focused on the bags of frozen vegetables. You freeze—fitting, for the aisle you were standing in. You debate just turning around and leaving the aisle, but you really need green beans, and they’re the last thing on your grocery list for the week.

“Excuse me,” you say, edging past Quinn’s cart and reaching for the bag of green beans.

“Oh, sorry,” Quinn says. He starts to move out of the way, but stops, staring at you. You meet his eyes briefly before carefully looking over his left shoulder. “Do I know you?”

You couldn’t remember what you looked like when you were 13 and saw Quinn for the last time, or imagine what he could see in your face now that would still be familiar. Quinn looks the same, yet different. Older, obviously, but it’s enough that you’re not sure you would have recognized him yourself if he weren’t an NHL player in the same city you lived in. His hair has grown out longer than you can ever remember it being, and there’s a day or two worth of stubble across his cheeks. Underneath it, he’s Quinny, but not the Quinn you knew.

You’ve been quiet for too long. Quinn’s still staring at you, trying to figure out where he knows you from. You could lie. Tell him you’ve never met before and move on.

What you say instead is: “We went to primary school together, actually.”

There’s a horrifying moment where you think Quinn still won’t recognize you. His eyebrows draw together in confusion, and you wish you hadn’t said anything at all. The moment passes, Quinn’s face clears, and, before you know it, he’s stepping around both of your carts to wrap you in a quick hug. He’s pulling away before you can even convince yourself to hug back.

“Oh my God, of course, Y/N!” Quinn says. “I didn’t know you lived in Vancouver now.”

You don’t have the time to explain all the reasons you left Toronto, so you say, “Yeah, it’s a recent thing. Needed a fresh start, y’know?”

Quinn nods like he does know. He’s moved around enough he might actually know. “I need to get going, but it was good to see you,” he says. “We need to get coffee some time, catch up, yeah?”

You find yourself nodding. Quinn smiles at you one last time before turning and walking away. You realize that you don’t even have his phone number. Whatever. He probably didn’t really mean anything by it, and you’re probably never going to see each other again. For real this time.

The second time you run into Quinn Hughes is actually your fault. You take a personal day off work on a Friday, but you feel too restless to sit around your too-small, too-empty apartment. You Google “ice rinks near me” and end up at Robson Square.

It’s easy enough to rent skates, and you are stepping onto the mostly empty ice before you can let yourself think too hard about it. You don’t know the last time you’d been ice skating. Years, probably. You wobble a bit at first, but it isn’t long before muscle memory kicks in, and you are gliding along as well as you can on the rough ice. It is early enough in the afternoon that it isn’t too crowded, only a few other families and college-aged couples, plus one other lone skater on the other end of the rink from you. It doesn’t take an expert to identify him as a hockey player, but you would recognize that skating anywhere. You had grown up skating alongside him and his brothers in Wedgewood Park back in Toronto.

Quinn isn’t wearing anything Canucks-branded, which is probably why no one else has recognized him. He’s skating in smaller circles than the rest of the crowd, not really paying anyone else any mind. You’re too far away from the door to double back and make an escape, but Quinn still hasn’t seen you, either. You keep skating, praying Quinn doesn’t look up from his crossovers.

A young child skates past you, then, laughing as they escape their parents. You skate sideways to avoid getting in the way, forgetting how close you’d gotten to Quinn. You are still looking over your shoulder for the kid’s parents when you bump into someone, and you’re both tumbling to the ice.

You had also forgotten how much it hurt to hit the ice.

You end up on top of Quinn, your legs tangled together, Quinn’s hands gripping your elbow and your hip.

“Oof,” he says. He looks up at you properly for the first time. “Oh, hi.”

“Hey,” you say, still a little breathless from falling. And maybe a little bit from being so close to Quinn. You choose to ignore that part.

Quinn winces. “D’you mind-”

“Right, fuck, sorry.” You remove your elbow from his gut. You start to roll off Quinn. His hands tighten for a split second before he lets you go. You were going to start drawing attention to yourselves soon if you don’t get off the ice, but you still lay on your back for a moment, trying to catch your breath.

Next to you, Quinn is already getting to his feet. He brushes the snow off his pants and holds out a hand for you. You debate ignoring it; you know how to skate, and you know how to get up after falling. You certainly don’t need Quinn’s help.

You roll to your knees and take Quinn’s hand, letting him pull you back to your feet. You drift close for a second, practically into Quinn’s chest. You both took a step backwards. Quinn starts skating again without letting go of your hand, and you have no choice but to skate after him.

Until Quinn realizes you were still holding hands, and he drops yours like he’s been burned.

You step off the ice as soon as you reach the door, not looking to see if Quinn is following you. You hear him sigh before he steps off too.

You find a bench and begin yanking at your skate laces with numb fingers. Quinn sits beside you and pulls your hand away. He rubs absently at your cold fingertips. You should have worn gloves.

“Hey, you’re not leaving already, are you?” he asks softly.

You shake your head. You don’t know. You don’t know if Quinn wants you anywhere near him, or if you want to stick around. This was supposed to be a nice afternoon by yourself, not another one haunted by ghosts of your past.

You miss the days when you knew how to act around Quinn, when you didn’t even have to think about it.

“What’re you even doing here?” you ask, deflecting. “Surely you have no shortage of access to ice.” It’s teasing, but it feels forced. A reminder of the reason your friendship fell apart all those years ago.

Quinn shrugs. “It’s nice, sometimes,” he says, “to get outside and skate like we used to as kids.”

You think you might understand, a little. “Yeah,” you say, speaking just as softly as Quinn.

“Haven’t seen you around much,” he says next.

That’s by design, a little bit. It hasn’t been hard, exactly, to avoid running into Quinn at the only place you know you have in common—the grocery store.

“Been busy,” you lie. You go to work, you go home, alone. You’ve been dragged out to happy hour after work a few times with your new coworkers, but you always duck out after one drink.

Quinn shoots you a sideways look like he can still see through you, even after a decade. He pulls out his phone, unlocks it, and hands it to you, before squatting down and beginning to untie your skates.

“Well, if you can spare some time, you still owe me a coffee,” he says, staring carefully at his fingers. You look up from typing your number into a new contact. “I owe you coffee?” you splutter. Quinn grins up at you, and you can’t help but laugh. You only have a vague idea of how much Quinn makes these days, but it is definitely more than you.

Quinn follows you over to the counter to return your skates. “You don’t have to leave just because I’m here,” he tells you.

You force yourself to smile at him over your shoulder. “Don’t flatter yourself, I just don’t think I’d be able to get up after another fall like that.” You’re already feeling stiff and cold from your hard landing on the ice. It might be a little bit to avoid making small talk with Quinn, too. “I’ll text you, okay?”

Your friendship with Quinn begins again in fits and starts after that. You do end up meeting for coffee: one sorta-painful Saturday morning, trying to fit a decade’s worth of the important stuff into an hour and a half. Quinn’s busier than you, practices and games and road trips, but he texts when he can. You find it easier than you expected to respond to his dumb memes and inane small talk. You dodge his attempts to hang out again. You’re not sure you’re ready for that, but you’re not entirely sure why.

Then, Quinn texts you that Jack and the Devils were going to be in town the next week, along with his parents. You didn’t even know Jack had gotten drafted to the Devils. Your heart aches for things you didn’t even know you were missing out on.

You open the text, but don’t answer it for days. Quinn finally calls you.

“You know, my parents are going to be pissed if they find out you’re avoiding them,” he says when you answer. He almost sounds angry.

“Fuck, hello to you, too,” you snap.

Quinn huffs. “Hi, you’ve been ignoring me,” he says. “C’mon, they’re looking forward to seeing you,” he adds. “My mom especially.”

You wish you could flip Quinn off right now. Ellen always was your favorite Hughes. You hadn’t even realized he had told his parents you were in Vancouver now.

“Quinn, I haven’t been to a hockey game in years,” you try. It’s a weak excuse, and you both know it.

“So?” Quinn says. “Listen, my mom already got you an extra ticket, you have to come.” He pauses. “Even Jack is excited to see you,” he wheedles.

“Have you told everyone I moved to Vancouver?” you ask.

“Well, not everyone,” Quinn says. “Just my family, and a few teammates.”

“So, pretty much everyone,” you laugh.

“I was excited!” Quinn defends, but he’s also laughing. “It’s not everyday I run into my best friend after ten years.” He has a point there. “I’ll text you the details, okay?” Quinn is saying, and then he’s hanging up.

You end up getting dragged out to dinner with the four Hugheses the night before the game, despite your protests, citing family time and other shit that Ellen doesn’t buy.

“You’re taller than me,” you complain, when Jack bounds out of Quinn’s car in front of the restaurant and wraps you in a hug. The last time you’d seen him you still had a few inches on him, at least.

“You should see how tall Lukey is now,” Jack says. “He’s taller than both of us.” Jack is laughing, but you can hear how much it’s killing him that his baby brother is taller than him.

God, you hadn’t even thought about Luke. “Shit, is he in college now?” That can’t be right.

Ellen smiles at you over her shoulder as you all head inside. “He just started his second year at Michigan.”

“He’s all the smartest out of all three of us,” Quinn whispers in your ear, a hand hovering over the small of your back. You imagine you can feel the heat of his palm across the distance and through your thin sweater.

It’s easier than you thought to lose yourself in the rhythm of conversation and get swept away in the controlled chaos that occurs with the Hughes family. You argue with Jack over appetizers, and you both take turns making fun of Quinn. It’s familiar, like a well-worn pair of shoes.

Ellen turns to you after the dinner plates have been cleared away, and Jack and Quinn are bickering good-naturedly over who has to foot the bill. There’s a worried look in her eyes that immediately sets you on edge.

“I’d had no idea you moved out to Vancouver,” she starts. “It’s been so long since your mom and I chatted.”

For as close as you and Quinn had been growing up, it only made sense that Ellen and your mom had become good friends, too, between supervising play dates and coordinating carpools. You hadn’t known if they’d kept in touch at all since the Hughes family moved to Michigan.

Ellen goes on. “Did that boy—oh, what’s his name—move with you?”

“Sam? Oh, no, that’s…over,” you say. That is the reason you moved across the continent at all. This isn’t the time or place for that part of the conversation, though. “Just me out here,” you say, uncomfortable.

“Sam?” Quinn asks, at the same time Jack says, “Who’s Sam?” Quinn looks worried, while Jack looks delighted by this development.

You wave your hand in a way you hope seems nonchalant. “Just an ex-boyfriend.” That answer isn’t good enough for either of them; Quinn’s frown deepens, and Jack’s eyebrows go up. “We were together for a while, I don’t know, everyone thought he was it for me, I guess.” You had even thought that Sam was it for you.

You had never been more wrong.

The boys let it go, and you turn back to Ellen. She tsks. “That’s too bad, your mom said you two were so cute together.”

You had been once, you supposed. “Yeah, well,” you say awkwardly. You’ve probably already said too much. You’re saved by the waitress delivering the bill, reigniting Jack and Quinn’s argument.

Quinn hugs you tightly outside the restaurant. “We need to hang out more,” he says firmly. “Quit fucking avoiding me.”

“Language,” Ellen warns from behind you. You laugh at the face Quinn makes. Jack ruffles your hair on the way past. You aim a kick at him, but he dodges you, cackling. You manage to grab onto the back of his shirt and reel him in for a hug, too.

“Missed you,” he admits. “Don’t be a stranger,” he adds. “Quinn knows where you live now, he will find you.”

It would be threatening if you hadn’t known these boys since you were literal children, and if Jack weren’t still about as intimidating as a puppy. Still, Quinn’s looking seriously at you over Jack’s shoulder, and you don’t doubt that he will start showing up at your front door to drag you out of the apartment.

October bleeds into November. It becomes harder to avoid Quinn and his pointed texts, but the Canucks go on the road for a week, saving you from coming up with excuses. You know Quinn too well to expect that he’d let his mom’s mention of your ex go without an interrogation.

But you slip up before Quinn gets the chance to confront you. Your anniversary with Sam is—was—November 14th. You buy a bottle of wine and drink it alone in your empty apartment. You find yourself calling Quinn without thinking about it, memories of years past blurring together.

“Hello?” Quinn mumbles when he answers the phone. Shit, you’d forgotten he’s on the East Coast—Boston? Buffalo? You’re not sure right now.

“Shit, sorry,” you say. “I didn’t mean to wake you.” You feel like you’re on the verge of tears, and Quinn must be able to hear it through the phone. “Forget it, I’m sorry.”

He sounds worried, more awake, when he speaks again. “What’s wrong? Did something happen?”

His words set something off in you, and you’re crying in between one breath and the next. So much has happened, and you’re not sure you’ll ever be able to tell the story and do it justice. You faintly hear Quinn sigh on the other end of the line. He’s quiet as you try to collect yourself, the minutes stretching out between you.

“Am I always going to be alone?” you finally ask. You take a shuddery breath.

Quinn yawns, and you wince, suddenly remembering that you woke him because you were feeling melancholy. “What? Of course not, why would you even ask that?” Quinn doesn’t sound angry, just confused.

“Everybody always leaves,” you whisper.

Quinn left. A string of worthless ex-boyfriends before Sam all left. Sam had been the one, you’d thought, the one who would stay.

You ended up leaving before he could.

“I’m not going anywhere this time,” Quinn says firmly. “Well, except for road trips, sometimes, and back to Michigan for the summer, I guess, but I’m bringing you with me to Michigan anyway, and you know what I mean.”

You giggle in spite of yourself. “I’m sorry for waking you,” you say again, fighting back a yawn of your own. Your head is starting to hurt.

There’s muffled rustling on Quinn’s end that tells you he’s shrugging. You’re still lying on your living room floor. You should probably move, go to bed, something. You drag a blanket off your couch and over yourself. Just a few more minutes.

You wake up to your phone alarm blaring next to your head the next morning. You groan and roll over. You never did make it to bed, and you’re sore and stiff from laying on your floor all night. You slap at your phone to turn your alarm off. It’s nearly dead, another consequence of falling asleep on the floor.

You drag yourself into the kitchen for a glass of water and a phone charger. Your call log is still open. The call with Quinn lasted hours; Quinn must have only ended it when he woke up this morning. You should probably apologize for drunk dialing and wallowing, again.

There’s a text waiting for you from Quinn, too: you owe me coffee again 💤

You roll your eyes and dislike the message to be annoying.

Quinn shows up at your door a few days later with coffee in hand. He shoulders his way past you before you can make up an excuse about being busy, despite the fact that it’s a Saturday morning and you’re definitely still in pajamas, and thrusts one of the cups of coffee at you.

You take it, suspicious. “I thought I was supposed to be buying you coffee, not the other way around,” you grumble. Quinn got your coffee order right, because of course he did.

“I’ll send you a Venmo request or something,” Quinn says, unconcerned. “Are you mad at me?”

You don’t know what you were expecting Quinn to say, but it definitely wasn’t that. “Am I— what?”

“Are you mad at me? For leaving Toronto?”

You were, once. That anger faded a long time ago, though, softened by nostalgia and simply missing your best friend. “What? No, not any more.” “Not any more?” Quinn echoes.

“I mean, I was, when we were younger, but that was stupid.” It wasn’t really Quinn’s fault, and, seeing how far he’s gotten now, you really can’t blame him for wanting to follow hockey for as long as he could.

“You said everybody leaves,” Quinn insists. “I left you.”

“Quinny, we were kids,” you say. “I’m not mad at you for something that happened over a decade ago, oh my God.”

“But you said—”

“I’m just tired of dating shitty guys, okay?”

“Oh.” Quinn takes a sip of his coffee. He opens his mouth, ready to argue some more.

“I’m not having any more of this conversation without coffee,” you say. You wave the cup of coffee in your hand for emphasis.

Quinn drops it after that.

Weeks pass. Quinn grows more insistent on spending time with you, whether it’s at your apartment or his, or sneaking in a breakfast or lunch not-date when your schedules allow. He even invites you to hang out with a few of his teammates, and you spend one surprisingly nice evening squished between Quinn and Brock on Quinn’s couch, playing video games that you’re not particularly good at. You and Brock spend most of the time ganging up on Quinn for some light bullying, much to Quinn’s despair.

You keep expecting Quinn to bring up Sam and your relationship again. He never does, but you see the way he watches you sometimes, the same “worried older brother” look he used to cast upon Jack and Luke. After a while, you and Quinn settle into a rhythm of friendship, not unlike the one you had when you were kids. You talk frequently, you hang out when you can.

You fan the flames of a childhood crush you thought had been extinguished a long time ago.

“Hey, are you going home for Christmas?” Quinn says randomly one afternoon in December. He’s sitting on your couch, craning his neck around to see you where you’re standing in your kitchen.

“Uh? No?” You’re still close enough with your family, but they understand why you avoid Toronto pretty much these days. There’s too many ruined relationships haunting those streets.

Quinn huffs. “What are you running from?” His face does something complicated before settling on worried again. “He didn’t, like, hurt you, did he?”

“Sam? No, absolutely not.” You reconsider. “I mean, like, emotionally, yeah, but that was just the break-up.”

Quinn cracks a small smile, but he still looks concerned. “So, you’re really not going home because of him?”

You shrug. “Easier to avoid running into an ex if you’re not even in the same city. Besides, I kinda…cut all ties and got out of dodge. It’s too awkward to go back now.”

Quinn’s eyebrows furrow like he’s trying to figure out what question he wants to ask next. “You really—” He switches tacks. “Do you—like—I’m going to Michigan, and it’s only for, like, a day, but you know my mom would love to have you, but only if you want, and—” He takes a deep breath. “Do you want to come to Michigan for Christmas?”

You stare at Quinn, unsure how to react. There was once a time when you were as comfortable in the Hughes’ house as your own. That was a long time ago, in a house in a different country. You feel like you and Quinn have been dancing around the question of whether or not your friendship could be something more—that tenuous moment from when you were 10 still not forgotten—and this feels like crossing that unspoken line somehow.

Quinn looks unsure now, watching you hesitantly from across the room.

“I don’t know, Quinn,” you say finally. “I don’t want to impose, and you barely get to see your family as it is—”

Quinn waves a hand at you. “Luke will be out in Halifax for World Junior’s by then, and I’m serious, you know Mom would love to have you.” He frowns. “You shouldn’t have to be alone on Christmas.”

It would be nice to not be alone for the holidays. You glance over at your sad little Christmas tree, still undecorated in a corner of your living room.

Still, “I’ll be fine,” you insist.

You expect Quinn to let it go, the way he lets a lot of things go with you lately. He’s been careful, afraid to push you into difficult conversations since you reconnected. Instead, he frowns harder and crosses his arms at you.

You’re almost glad for it, mentally preparing yourself for a fight.

“You’re coming to Michigan,” he says firmly. “I’ll book your fucking flight myself if I have to.”

“Q—” you start, but Quinn’s not done.

“What are you so afraid of? What did your ex do to you that you’re so scared to let people in? Ever since you’ve been in Vancouver, you keep everyone at a distance, even me. We used to tell each other everything.”

You don’t have the words to respond. You turn on your heel and stalk off towards your bedroom. You hear Quinn call your name, but you ignore him. You yank your bedside table drawer open, fishing around blindly until your hand closes around the item you’re looking for. You head back towards the living room.

Quinn’s still standing there with his arms crossed, looking angry and confused and hurt all at once.

You throw the object in your hand at Quinn. He catches it easily. Hockey player reflexes.

“A ring box? I don’t understand.” He opens the box carefully. Inside, nestled in the velvet, is a beautiful, sparkling engagement ring. Quinn stares at it, open-mouthed.

“We were supposed to get married,” you tell Quinn. Your voice sounds hollow, even to your own ears. “Sam and I, next summer.” Quinn takes the ring out of the box and turns it over in his hand. It glints in the light. “We’d met in college. God, I was so in love.”

“I still don’t—I don’t get it.”

You continue. “I came home from work one day and found him fucking one of our friends. Had been going on for a while, apparently. We were in the middle of planning the wedding, we were about to buy a house, everything. I was going to ask her to be one of my bridesmaids.” You let out a humorless laugh. You realize your eyes are wet. “I cleaned all my shit out of our apartment while he was at work a few days later, hid out at my parents’ for a few days. I think I had everything settled to move to Vancouver within a couple weeks.”

You watch as Quinn slots the ring back into its box.

You had needed the distance. It wouldn’t have been long before all of your friends found out about Sam, and you didn’t think you could handle the endless explanations of why your engagement had ended. Plus, Vancouver had brought Quinn back to you, and that was easily the best part of your year.

Quinn finally seems to notice your crying. “Hey, come here,” he says gently, opening his arms for you. You step into them without hesitation, letting Quinn wrap you in a hug. You let yourself linger, safe and comfortable in Quinn’s arms.

“You know, I used to be taller than you,” you mumble into Quinn’s chest. Those years had been nice. Quinn doesn’t tower over you now, but you’re tucked neatly under his chin. He pinches your side. You jerk and squirm away, laughing.

Quinn grabs you by the wrist suddenly, bringing your hand close to his face to inspect it. “What is this?” he asks, twisting the little, braided green bracelet around his finger until it tightens against your wrist.

You try to tug your hand away, but Quinn holds on.

“It’s a bracelet, Q, I know you’ve seen them before.” Quinn pinches you again, gently on the skin of your forearm this time. You whine at him.

“I gave this to you,” he says. It’s not a question. He finally tears his eyes away from the bracelet and looks at you. “I gave this to you,” he repeats, “when we were like, ten.”

“Yeah,” you say, helpless. You had no idea Quinn even remembered that day, or giving you the bracelet.

“You still wear it?” he asks. You shrug. “That was, like, over ten years ago, what the hell.”

You finally pull your hand free from Quinn. You shrug again, uncomfortable. “I didn’t start wearing it regularly until you moved to Michigan.” It had been a nice reminder of your best friend, and after a while, you honestly forgot it was tied around your wrist.

“I almost kissed you that day,” Quinn says thoughtfully.

If you were drinking something, you probably would have choked. You’re suddenly very aware of how closely you and Quinn are still standing. Quinn pauses. You can hear your own heartbeat in your ears.

“Can I kiss you now?” he asks, softly.

You nod before you can even think about it, winding your arms around Quinn’s neck and letting him pull you in by the hips. It’s better than it would have been at 10, yet it’s exactly what you breathlessly wished for all those years ago. Quinn’s lips move easily against yours, just as gentle as he always is with you.

When you pull away to catch your breath, you rest your forehead on Quinn’s shoulder. You’re both silent for a long moment.

“I have a confession,” you say.

“Another one?” Quinn squeezes your hip.

“I don’t think I’m ready for another relationship,” you admit.

Quinn squeezes your hip again. “Baby, I’ve been waiting on you since we were kids.” You laugh, smacking Quinn on the back of the head. “Ow, hey. This just means I get to woo you, yeah?”

You laugh harder. “Never fucking say that again, oh my God.”

Quinn sways a little bit, and you rock with him. “I mean it. I’ll be here whenever you’re ready.”

“D’you promise?”

“Promise.” Quinn steps over to the couch, and you let him tug you until you land next to him. You rest your head on his shoulder again. “You definitely have to come home with me for Christmas now.”

You lob a decorative pillow at his head as he dissolves into laughter.

#cait writes things #quinn hughes fic #quinn hughes imagine #vancouver canucks imagine #vancouver canucks fic #nhl fic #nhl imagine #hockey fic #hockey fanfiction #nhl fanfiction #hockey imagine

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herarcadewasteland · 6 months

Text

Spin, Dare, Hide.

A/N: The full first chapter of SDH! I'm back to being motivated so you get the full chapter after so long lmao

-18+, slight violence, swearing, jisung is a little shit, ateez kinda yandere towards the end

-ateez x reader, mentions of skz because Han Jisung is your bff

1 of 2 (We'll see how much more I write from today onwards)

this is TWELVE of 14 pages i have written lol... not edited or re-read

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Spin the bottle, hide and seek and truth or dare. Three separate games Jisung had decided to combine for a game he called SDH. Spin, dare, hide. The way it worked was a little too complicated for your liking, your head going blank as you listened to him explain it eight times over. You spin the bottle, the person it landed on is the seeker. You must do a dare they ask you and then you hide. You get a minute to hide. After that minute is done, your seeker has a time limit of 3 minutes to find you. If they find you, they do what they want with you. If you aren’t found, your past seeker spins the bottle and whoever it lands on swaps out and becomes the seeker. The game continues like this until either one person has not been found by anyone or the hider is found and “dealt with”, as Jisung phrased it. The only limit to the game was the extent of pain you could put a person through with your dare. You couldn’t ask your daree to hurt themselves or anyone else in an extreme fashion. The most you could ask would be a spank or a small slap on the face, even a slap on the wrist, forehead flicks included. That limit extended to the “do whatever you want to them” prize for finding the hider. The only pain you could inflict was determined before the actions were taken and done safely with consent.

It was something you had played with Jisung, Chan and Hyunjin before, but sitting on the floor, listening to Jisung explain it all to Hongjoong, Seonghwa, Yunho, Yeosang, San, Mingi, Wooyoung and Jongho, you wanted to be anywhere else but there. The confusion on their faces was visible, Jisung cackling as he explained the pain limits set in place. Feeling a gaze on you that you knew wasn’t Jisungs, as he was busy staring down Yeosang who had a small blush covering his face, you turned to look around. Looking past them all, you landed on Wooyoung. His gaze was… intense. He was always the flirty one but the look in his eyes was determined. Almost like he was taking the challenge of the game personally. When you met his eyes though, they cleared and he smiled at you brightly, a small one tugging at your lips in response until Jisung smacked you on the shoulder.

He was still rambling about the game and you vaguely heard a question directed at you, just nodding along as you got lost in your thoughts. It wasn’t until you heard someone choking on their drink and Jisung shouting at you in pride that you snapped back into reality and looked around the group in confusion. The reactions were different, but each man now had a darker look behind their kind eyes. Mingi had been the one to choke, his face beet red as he smacked his chest. Wooyoung sported a massive smirk, looking eerily close to the joker smile. Hongjoong was watching you look at them with curiosity and the others were all just slightly red in the face. San was the only one you could really tell what he was thinking. His lips parted as his breathing picked up, his legs crossed and he stared at you with darkened, hooded eyes. It was clear he was imagining what he could do to you if he found you but a sharp nudge from Seonghwa on his side made him sit up, his previous state gone entirely as you watched him with wide eyes.

Jisung caught your attention again, his eyes as wide as yours as you looked at him with so much visible confusion.

“What?”

“Did you even hear me?”

“Oh.. no… Was I supposed to? You were explaining the game. I know how it works.”, you raised an eyebrow at Jisung.

He only answered with a laugh, his arms wrapping around your shoulders as he continued to explain the little details of the game he created. He gave you no indication of just what you had agreed to when you were zoned out, his attitude more cocky than usual as he held you to him tightly. You huffed in annoyance and confusion as you sat, waiting for the explanation to be over. It took Jisung about three more minutes to finish explaining everything, questions answered and players ready.

“Okay, someone grab a bottle! It’s time to play~”, Jisung cackled and rocked with you in his hold, your eyes rolling at his maniac-esk tendencies.

“What did I agree to? I think it’s against the rules for me not to know.”

“Wrong! I made the rules, so for you, sweetpea, it’s not gonna harm you.”, Jisung planted a loud kiss on your cheek and you grunted, shoving him away to sit on the floor in front of him.

Yunho came back into the room with a bright smile and a half empty bottle of vodka in hand, followed by Yeosang who carried a bowl of snacks to the couch to share around. You accepted gratefully, munching on a small handful as everyone got settled in a circle, Jisung excluded. You called him a traitor as the last two settled down fully, the back of your head being smacked.

“Okay, now. Let’s start with a simple round of Truth or Drink. Don’t answer the truth and someone knows you’re lying, you drink. You get away with a lie and that’s that. Got it? Good. Jongho!”, Jisung pointed at Jongho as he shouted his name, the change in volume making you jump slightly against his legs, to which he laughed.

A simple hum answered him, Jongho leaning forward in his seat as Jisung copied him. His eyes darted down to you briefly before Jisung hummed obnoxiously loud, his eyes trailing back up to meet Jisung’s.

“Do you know who has the biggest dick?”

“Yeah.”, Jongho scoffed and turned his gaze to Seonghwa, “Hyung, did you eat my lunch yesterday?”

Seonghwa had the decency to look ashamed, his ears flushing red as he covered his mouth with his hand. He simply nodded and sat up straighter, staring daggers at Wooyoung who cowered away slightly.

“Did you take my Star Wars Lego and re-gift it to me during the holidays?”

Wooyoung choked on air, his eyes widening in fear as Seonghwa stood from his spot, rage seeping from him as he made his way to the frantically mumbling Wooyoung. Hongjoong stopped them quickly but when Wooyoung muttered a small ‘yes’ before he booked it outside, Hongjoong had no hope against the force of angry Seonghwa as he barrelled after the culprit.

You sat in your spot, lips pressed together to stop the laughter from spilling through as Jisung cackled at your back, San looked unbothered, almost like he knew about the occurrences. The others looked slightly concerned for Wooyoung as scared screams from Wooyoung echoed as Seonghwa shouted profanities at him. Snacks were passed around as the chase continued outside and was soon forgotten as you ate, conversation flowing naturally until Seonghwa burst through the door with Wooyoung, a harsh grip on his ear as he dropped him where he was sitting previously. He retook his own seat, San patting his thigh comfortingly as Seonghwa huffed in anger. You let out a small giggle, the despair in his actions pulling it from you before you could stop it. The glare was turned to you quickly and you muttered apologies and bowed your head to him repeatedly, his glare leaving his eyes soon after as he calmed down fully.

“Oh Jisung~”, Wooyoung called out to your friend, “Have you kissed Y/n?”

Gasps filled the room and your jaw dropped, staring at the cocky look on Wooyoung’s face as he sipped his drink. Jisung hummed and ran his hand over your hair, your head shaking in response to the question before he grabbed the sides of it to stop you.

“No, but I can.”, he emphasized his point by planting a kiss on the top of your head, your jaw snapping shut as you punched Jisungs legs where you could reach.

“OK, since I asked someone already, San. Would you kiss one of the people beside you?”

You watched as his head turned to either side, glancing over his friends before he nodded, “Yeah. Probably would.”

A few cries of shock followed his answer, the two to his sides blushing red as they stared at the carpet below them. You smacked Jisung’s leg again, hand reaching for the snacks as the questions were passed between the rest of the boys. Soon enough, after a few angry chases through the backyard and a few insults here and there, your name was being called by Yeosang. You met his eyes easily, head tilted in question as you swallowed the mouthful of Doritos you had been crunching.

“Would you make out with anyone in the room…minus Jisung?”, his eyes were curious as he held your gaze but you could feel the weight of the others’ darkened eyes on your frame as you thought for a moment.

With your eyes steadily on Yeosang, you licked your lips slowly, still thinking before you no longer had to, Yeosangs answering lip lick solidifying what you were, in all honesty, pretending to think about.

“Yes. In a heartbeat.”, your face lit up with a blush as they groaned, some shifting in their spots as others hid behind their hands to save face in front of you.

“So why don’t you?”

“What?”, your head snapped to Jisung, a smirk playing at his lips as he watched the panic course through you.

“Make out with one of them. I dare you.”

“This isn’t the game, Jisung.”

“Good thing a preliminary game of spin the bottle is next then huh?”

You groaned and smacked him, running your clammy hands over your face as you huffed out a breath of pure tension, “I think we get that you smashed together some games and forced us to play it for your pleasure.”

A few laughs greeted your ears, Jisung’s angry huff reaching you between the laughs before you had a smack landed on the top of your head. You groaned a little and rubbed your head, glaring up at Jisung from your spot.

“Unnecessary!”

“Shut up. Fine, we’ll just start the game. Since our dear Y/n decided to ruin our pre-game, she’ll spin first!~”, Jisung pushed you forwards slightly, your hands catching you as you fell forward.

You sat upright with a huff and shook your head, reaching for the bottle that Yunho still held. The level of vodka in it had dropped and you raised an eyebrow, his sheepish smile answering all your questions. You let it go and set the bottle in the middle of your circle, sitting on your knees at arm’s length away from it, you grasped the body and spun it. Watching it spin, your heart rate picked up, the bottle slowly coming to a stop as you stared at it. You didn’t want to look away from it, if it had landed on him, you knew you would be found and there was no telling just what would happen.

You felt all their gazes on you as you stared holes into the bottle, the neck pointing somewhere to your front right. A throat clearing made your shoulders jump, your eyes flicking away from the bottle in the general direction of Jisung behind you with a glare. You took a deep breath, staring at the bottle still. Exhaling sharply as you glanced up to meet your seeker’s eyes, you froze. You were fearing being seeked out by Wooyoung but seeing Hongjoong staring you down, head tilted down slightly and to the side as he smirked, his tongue peeking out between his teeth as he watched you, you knew you had been afraid of the wrong person.

Red rushed over your face, a sympathizing chuckle coming from someone to your left and as you glanced over quickly, you were surprised to see Yeosang smirking at you in a similar way. The blush heated your face quicker, your cheeks burning as you glanced back at Hongjoong, who had shifted to kneel in his spot between Mingi and Jongho. You met his dark eyes, his head tilting further in silence as he picked up on your spike of fear.

“The captain first. How fitting! Now, you have to give her a dare! She can’t say no.”, Jisung interrupted your staring contest, your fear dying in your chest slowly as the look faded from Hongjoong’s face.

A bright smile pulled at the captain's lips as he watched you closely, his hands clasping together on his thighs as everyone sat in nervous silence.

“I dare you…”, Hongjoong met your apprehensive gaze as his darkened once more, Jisung at your back oblivious to the look as he flirted with San, “I dare you to go the rest of the night without your shirt on.”

Cat calls echoed around your head, your eyes widening as you held his gaze once more, his smile dropping into a smirk in a split second as you shook your head.

“That’s unreasonable. I’m not-”, your denial was cut off by the sound of fabric ripping, your eyes darting down at the sudden chill on your torso only to see your shirt in two halves hanging around your hips.

You gasped in shock, one of your favourite shirts ripped so easily but as you looked to the side to see Jongho and Yeosang with similarly hovering hands, you saw red.

“What the fuck?! I get this is a game to you all but I take destroying my possessions very seriously! So if one of you wants to stop and fucking think about how much I enjoy my possessions, that would be great!”

You were fuming. Your fists clenching as your chest heaved, eyes squeezed shut in anger while you tried to keep the tears away. Silence followed your outburst, gazes set on your form as Jisung rubbed your bare shoulders.

“Well? Is anyone gonna say something? Anything to let me know that you aren’t complete assholes?!”

The continued silence made you huff, your eyes snapping open only to make eye contact with Seonghwa who was now kneeling in front of you, eyes darker than the night sky and swirling with an emotion you couldn’t quite place as his hand shot out to grip your chin between two long fingers.

“I’d watch how you talk to us if you want to make it out later.”, his voice was deeper than you had ever heard it, rivaling Mingi’s as he leaned forward to whisper darkly in your ear, “You won’t be walking out of this house normally anyways, don’t make it worse for yourself, pet.”

He pulled away abruptly, his harsh grip leaving your face as it heated rapidly, his eyes brightening as he took his previous spot. All eyes were on you as you inhaled shakily, your eyes clearing of the anger that was previously swirling in them and instead fogging over in a headspace you never thought Park Seonghwa would be able to induce, even if just slightly as he promised you your demise.

Jisung cleared his throat sharply, smacking his hands down on your shoulders. You jumped in your spot at the touch, your mind miles away from the current situation until that moment as Jisung began rambling off the rules again.

“One minute to hide, as soon as you leave the room, Y/N, it’ll start. Hongjoong you have three to find her. You fail, you spin and swap out. Then it starts over until we either run out of men or our dear hider is found.”, Jisung made eye contact with everyone in the room, making sure they nodded before he slapped you over the head, “Get a move on! We only have so much time.”

You nodded slowly, avoiding the eyes of everyone as you stepped to the edge of the living room, your legs hesitating mid-step as you glanced back at Jisung for reassurance. Seeing his answering nod at your gaze, you sighed lowly and booked it from the room, your steps echoing as you clambered away from the heavy energy. Jisung’s shout for the timer starting had your heart quickening as you looked into every room you could, eyes searching for that perfect spot you knew no one would look in.

You even considered the trash can in the kitchen before you heard low laughs coming from the room across from it, looking up to see San watching you. The darkness in his eyes had you sprinting from any room even remotely close to the living room, your hands shaking as you considered just jumping in the shower or the linen closet and praying that whatever Hongjoong had planned for you was innocent and painless.

You figured that closets, under beds, in the shower or behind curtains would be searched first, followed by behind chairs in corners or large piles of blankets or clothes, your mind racing with thoughts on how you could possibly hide in a way that would ensure you would be free to win the game and have the boys fight it out as they hid amongst themselves. Jisung shouted ‘20 seconds’ into the house, the slight murmur from the group dying down slightly as you froze, head turning around the room frantically.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck. Hide goddamnit!”, you scolded yourself, scanning every last corner of the room before you came up with a plan.

Grabbing pants from the closet, you stuffed them haphazardly with pillows, standing them on shoes behind the curtains before closing them to create a space of darkness, Jisung starting a countdown from 15 seconds as you frantically stuffed another pair of pants to hold with you for your plan.

“3!”

Your hands shook as you closed the door to the room, body pressed against the wall as tightly as possible to minimize the obvious gap when it opened.

“2!”

You held the pants and shoes in one arm, tucked against your chest as you covered your mouth with the waistband.

“1!”

You heard shuffling from downstairs, your eyes closing as you tried to control your breathing.

“Ready or not, here I come~”, Hongjoong’s voice carried up the stairs as he climbed them steadily, “I’ll find you sooner or later, bunny. You can hide, but you can’t run.”

The sharp edge to his words made you clam up, your hands slipping slightly and causing your elbow to knock against the door lightly. You gasped as quietly as you could, free hand clamping down harshly on your mouth as a shadow filled the doorway, the hallway light only silhouetting his figure as he opened the door. He swung it open slowly, his hand splayed on the wood as you waited for it to collide with your body. The hit was far from obvious as he left it to rest just centimeters from your body, his eyes narrowed and predatory as you shook slightly.

The curtain rings did you a favor, sliding slightly to adjust to the positioning and drawing his attention from the other side of the room. His smirk grew noticeably in the darkness of the room, the hallway lights seeming to glint off his canine as he stalked towards the curtains, his eyes trained down on the set of shoes just barely peeking from behind them.

“Oh little bunny. You could’ve at least tried to get away~”, his smug look was wiped from his face as he violently pulled open the curtains, the noise allowing you to slip out of the room as Jisung shouted ‘2 minutes left’.

The door creaked slightly as you snuck out of your spot, Hongjoong freezing as you booked it. A cruel laugh filled the air moments later as the sound of a door slamming shut took over the house. Shivers went down everyone's spines at the following laughter, his words making you stumble as you ran into the library room that was really just a desk and a few bookshelves.

“If I find you, little bunny, you’ll wish you never ran. I’ll make sure of it. You’ll make such a pretty bunny for us, covered in our marks and drenched in our cum.”

He made no indication that he heard the door to the room squeaking but as you slid between the shelves on the wall of the door, your stuffed pants casting a shadow under the desk for him to see as he swung the door open fully, a mocking click of his tongue following, you knew he had heard it.

“Oh bunny. You should’ve been quieter. Maybe then you would have had it easier.”, he stood still in front of the desk, his shoulders lifting with his heavy breaths as he stared down the top of it, “But poor bunny thinks we’re dumb-”

“Hey Captain! 10 seconds!”, Jisung shouted up the stairs.

“Your tricks may have worked, but whoever is next will not be as accepting of your tricks.”

“Game!”, Jisungs shout startled you slightly, Hongjoong leaving the room before he paused.

“Your little games will get you hurt, bunny. I’d be careful.”, he growled his words at you, fingers tapping against the bookshelf you were squished between as he left the room.

You sighed in relief, slipping from your spot to breathe properly for a minute as you gathered your decoy, going back to gather your other one as Jisung shouted up to you that you have some extra time as the bottle spun. Your hands steadied quite quickly with the news, your hands working double time to stuff some more pillows into pants, placing one behind the curtains again, another in the shower, replacing the one under the desk and shoving one under a bed. All that was left was you, Jisung’s call of your official time starting putting the shake back in your hands.

You had one minute to hide again, your decoys calming your mind slightly until you ended up in front of the locked door at the very end of the hall. The red light that was usually on in the room was absent for now as you stared at it, a call of 30 seconds shaking your mind as you turned away from it, stumbling into the closest room you could reach.

You looked around frantically, eyes finding the doors that led to a small balcony quickly. You huffed but gave in, opening the doors with a huff. You could hide behind chairs, the giant potted plant or you could stand on the edge and pray no one walked out. SIghing heavily, you pressed yourself against the wall beside a large plant right by the doors. A faint shout of Jisung’s voice told you that the new seeker was out and searching for you. Opening doors slowly sounded less muffled as he approached the room you were in, his voice muffled while he searched for you. The door to the room opened slower than the rest of the doors, the slow squeak of the hinges making you cringe as you pressed yourself against the cold wall.

“I see you know what you’re doing. I don’t appreciate these little games you think you can get away with, doll. When we find you, you will regret it. Mark my words. If I don’t ensure it, then I know for a fact that the others will when they find out your little mind games. Jisung forbade us from telling the others what happens on our hunts…”, a door slammed open, “So you’re safe with your little decoys until someone doesn’t fall for them.”

The growl his voice took on was bone-chilling, the anger and anticipation behind it making you shiver more violently than the cold breeze had been, your entire body tensing as the patio doors opened one by one.

“You’re lucky my time just ended, doll. A shame we don’t get to play just yet… I’ll have my chance with you and by god will you regret everything.”, his head poked through the doors, making eye contact with you immediately and you whimpered.

The smirk on his face was nothing less than cruel as he watched you shiver, your eyes wide as he watched you until you gasped, fully registering your situation. You shook your head, hands waving in front you as you stepped back slightly.

“J-Jongho no, t-the time ended!”, your voice trembled as he watched you panic, an easy smile replacing his smirk.

“I’m aware, doll. It’s best you come inside for now if you keep planning to hide out here. You’ll get sick.”, he tugged you inside, his large hand warm against your smaller one as the warm air of the house washed over you.

“Thank you…”, you murmured as Jisung shouted for Jongho again, his heat disappearing back downstairs to spin the bottle as you warmed up slowly.

The minute it took for the bottle to land and Jisung to shout up to you felt like ages, your last decoy being replaced under blankets on a bed. Your brain was short-circuiting. You had no idea who was next, it could be Wooyoung, it could be Seonghwa or it could be Yeosang. Either way, you were terrified of those three for the moment as you slotted yourself under the bed the decoy was on. It was a dumb spot and you would be lying your ass off if you said you couldn’t hear past your own heartbeat for a few seconds as footsteps trailed up the stairs, oddly heavy for any of the boys.

The sound of two doors swinging open at once sent alarm bells off in your head again as you picked up on two separate footstep patterns entering rooms opposite your hiding place. You had closed the door to be extra safe, leaving the door to the room of your last hiding place open just to throw them off. Regret filled your panicked being as you watched four shadows extend from under the door to the room you were in.

Of course they sent up two and of course Jisung allowed it. Why wouldn’t he? He was always rooting for your failure in a best friend way, just as he was always trying to get you laid. Maybe that was his plan with this godforsaken game, you thought. The door opened slowly with an extended creek sending shivers down your spine as you indirectly met Wooyoung's dark gaze from under the bed, San’s sharp eyes scanning the room slowly, gaze just as filled with a promise of danger.

Watching San’s arm lift to point subtly at the decoy on the bed, you let out the smallest whimper you could, hands clasped over your mouth and nose to hide your heavy breathing as they approached opposite sides of the beds.

“Oh princess. You could have hid so much better!”, San’s voice was overly cheerful as you watched his foot tap in eight counts.

“Unless our little baby just couldn’t wait to be found~”, Wooyoung's voice matched San’s cheerful tone as he added to the teasing.

The swoosh of blankets covered the noises of shock they no doubt made, the muted thump made your heart race, knowing they wouldn’t leave the blankets on the floor to sweep up the dust of the day. The veined hands gripping the pile confirmed your thoughts, a slight peek of hair nearly exposing your spot as they bent to pull the covers over the decoy. They whispered to each other, the annoyance hidden in their tones now present as they scanned the room once more before they left with heavy steps.

Their posture screamed disappointment but being under the bed stopped you from seeing the small smirk shared between them as Jisung called time moments after your door closed. The silence and heat building in the room suffocated you slowly, your hands fumbling with the door until you were able to breathe in different air, your mind racing at the possibilities of them sending up another group of two, maybe even a group of three if Jisung was feeling like causing more chaos.

The troublemakers next call of your time had you rushing into the bathroom, hands fumbling with the decoy to chuck it outside, no longer caring if it led whoever was next straight to you. You were flustered, scared and becoming increasingly panicked at what the others were planning as they sent away each seeker. A heavy set of footsteps trailed slowly up the stairs, your mind jumping Yunho as the stairs creaked under the weight of whoever was ascending. They had to be larger than Hongjoong or Yeosang, their stature a little too small for you to believe it was one of them making their way up

. Your thoughts came to a sudden stop as you heard a mumble, his deep voice chilling you to the bone as you realized it was probably Mingi who was now searching for you. You weren’t afraid of Mingi for the game, but he was observant when he needed to be and he needed to be, so you were concerned. Your hands trembled as you flattened yourself against the bottom of the tub, the showerhead staring you down threateningly as the sound of his footsteps got closer.

The panic clouding your brain hid the change in heaviness of the steps, the lighter tone of the voice responding to someone you could only pray was downstairs, but hearing no shout from Jisung at that moment, you just knew they had sent up an overly coordinated pair. That, or they walked so slowly up the stairs trying to match their steps that they lost all of their time, Jisung’s voice shouting ‘5 seconds’ confirming your running thoughts as 3 separate voices began complaining. You could recognize the tones of Mingi, Yunho and Yeosang. A shiver traversed your spine as you realized that Yeosang could have found you in that moment, their overly careful planning to walk up the stairs saving you for one last round. Saving you for Seonghwa.

Sitting up in the tub, you couldn’t help but think that maybe leaving you to Seonghwa last was on purpose. The feeling he gave you before, surrounded by the other boys in the circle only spelled danger and dominance. You were terrified of it. The sharp change in the way he acted towards you to how he acted on the regular like a Care Bear murdering a child. Unexpected and completely out of the usual character you were used to. Your mind raced at the hiding spots you could get away with, mentally checking off places you hid decoys or hid for the others until you reached the small office room in your pacing, Jisung’s delayed call of your start time only fueling your fear knowing that Seonghwa had probably asked for his call for your time to start later. Letting you sit in your panic, letting it build slowly for him to make it burst when he began his hunt.

HIs confidence was overwhelming from that one non-verbal cue to you and you knew he would find you, probably paid off Jisung to let the guys tell him where you were so he could narrow down your location. He was already in your head and Jisung had just called your start time, your hands shaking as you closed the office door slowly so the hinges wouldn’t creek as they did when Hongjoong had followed you into the room previously.

Your decoy sat under the desk still and you sighed, deciding to hide between the shelves on the far right side of the room, the desk nearly perfectly parallel to your small hiding spot. Hongjoong’s mocking call of ‘ready or not, here he comes’ did nothing to help your nerves, your hands sweating against the dark wood of the bookshelf in front of you, your ears straining for any sound of Seonghwa that you couldn’t find.

He was deadly silent climbing the stairs, no doors squeaked as they opened (if he opened them) and you were trembling as the door to the office slowly swung open. The large, veined hand on the wood was the only thing giving away his presence until he stepped into the room, eyes fixed on the desk with an intensity you never saw in his eyes. His lips curled at the shadow under the desk, his head tilting as his tongue poked out to run over his plush bottom lip.

“I appreciate your commitment to the decoy under the desk, pet. It’s clever. For dumb little girls who don’t know when to give themselves up.”

His voice was deep again, eyes never leaving the desk as he approached it, hands slamming down the surface. He hung his head slightly, his fluffy hair dropping to hide his eyes from your fearful gaze.

“I’ll give you a choice, pet. You come out of your own free will, walk downstairs with me in that pretty little bra and we go easy on you.”, he scoffed out a small laugh, his hands drawing your attention as he reached into his pocket, a small pocket knife glinting in his pretty hands, “Or~ You don’t. I pull you from that pathetic little hiding spot and drag you down those stairs where you get used by us until you can’t even lift a finger. Jisung was a good little boy…”

The silence made him hum, his hand flipping the knife open and closed over and over with a steady click. He laughed mockingly as the silence carried, your stubbornness amusing him as he tilted his head.

“He was too easy for San to seduce. All it took was a few touches on his thigh, some compliments and he was caving, telling us all your dirty little kinks. Yeah he gave us everything we needed to know. And then he left!”

His cruel laugh made you tear up. Of course Jisung caved to San’s false advances. The fucker probably took the car too, not even leaving you a text to explain how he fed you to the wolves. You were drawn from your angry thoughts towards Jisung by the rough scrape of the blade on the wooden surface of the desk.

“I’ll give you… one minute. You had a minute to hide for us. You get a minute to decide how good you want to be for us.”, He was standing up straight again, his fingers drumming the desk as he put the knife away.

The silence was only broken by his drumming and a slow, mocking countdown to your inevitable demise, his voice deep but airy as he counted to your end. Your heartbeat was rapid in your chest and you could swear if Seonghwa was silent for even a second, he’d hear it pounding against the wood of the bookshelf. Your thoughts overwhelmed your awareness of your actions, your breathing getting a little out of hand with your increasing heart rate as the countdown dropped to ‘5~’ and suddenly stopped.

By the time your mind caught up with the lack of counting and the heat of the darkened eyes suddenly on you, a harsh grip was on your hair, pulling you from your spot roughly. You hadn’t even seen him move, your legs buckling at the sudden motion, causing you to stumble into Seonghwa’s chest, his eyes beating down on the top of your head as you pushed away from him slightly to get some space for your racing thoughts to calm. You had no time to begin to calm yourself as his soft lips brushed your ear teasingly, his voice nothing but a growl as he whispered to you.

“Run for me now, pet. Let’s have some fun~”

Your mind ran blank as he nudged you towards the door, your feet carrying you faster out of the room, your panic leading you to the bathroom once more, closing the door with much more force than necessary. The coldness of the tub stole your breath as you laid down again, the reflection of the showerhead letting you see the door open slowly just as every other door had. The image was too distorted for closer objects, a slight blur showing you Seonghwa’s figure walking further into the room but not allowing you further sight on him. You closed your eyes, trying to calm your breathing and your heart to listen to his movements.

Hearing none, just a slight shuffle you were sure you made, you opened your eyes just in time to see his large hand twisting the cold water tap for the shower. You gasped at his hand, his dark eyes peeking around the curtain just as ice cold water poured down onto you from above, your eyes closing as you shrieked at the cold, hands raising to try and block some of the stream. They were soon tugged down though, a new face hovering above yours as you thrashed about in the tub, heart racing as you glanced up.

———

part 2

there’s just something about cruel seonghwa that gets me going istg

#herarcadewasteland #fem!reader #ateez au #ateez fanfiction #ateez x reader #ateez imagines #ateez fic #reader insert #hongjoong x reader #seonghwa x reader #yunho x reader #yeosang x reader #san x reader #mingi x reader #wooyoung x reader #jongho x reader #mentions of skz #han jisung x reader #yandere ateez

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iridescentpull · 4 months

Text

Everything hurts.

Pac groans in pain as he is downed again. How many times has he been killed now, eight times? Ten? Twelve? He’s not sure– and frankly, he doesn’t care anymore. He just wants those fucking eye worker things to be gone.

Someone is picking him up– Pac’s not sure who it is. Everything is so blurry, so hazy. He remembers thanking them as he stands on his legs, hissing when the bruises on the stump of his prosthetic leg ache. He hears more screaming, more fighting, he thinks he heard the sound of someone dying, but he’s not sure of who.

Everything is too much.

“WHAT?!”

Pac turns around, stumbling when he hears Bagi’s broken voice. What happened? His head is spinning, and everything seems to come in and out of focus.

“Who did that?!” She screams, a rage in her voice Pac has never heard come from her. “WHO DID THAT?!”

He’s confused– what happened? He grabs his comm with shaking hands, thinking something was said in chat.

Empanada is bleeding.

Empanada was slain.

What.

He freezes. His heart stops, mind going quiet as gunshots and yells overlap. But– But Empanada was right here. She was behind him, running away with her frying pan in her hands when Pac was downed. How could she be dead? Not again, not again, not again.

“No, no, no...” He mumbles, watching as Bagi and Fit push the worker with their scythes and corners it. The male stumbles towards the worker, hands clenched into fists. He has nothing– those fuckers destroyed his home, destroyed his armour and weapons, took away one of Em’s lives...

He punches, because that’s all he can do.

He punches with as much strength he can muster (which isn’t a lot), mindful to not get between it and Bagi. He keeps punching, again and again and again because how dare they?! How DARE they hurt his family.

Then Bagi yells.

“YOU KILLED EMPANADA, YOU PIECE OF SHIT!” She screams, stabbing the worker with her scythe and downing it. “YOU PIECE OF SHIT!”

Pac stumbles back, freezing.

He’s heard that tone before, accompanied by wide, crazy blue eyes and blodied, sharp fangs.

He tries to breathe, but his body feels out of his control. He gets goosebumps as Bagi screams and yells with grief and anger in her voice as she stabs the worker over, and over, and over, and over. Fit stands back, hand going white by the grip he has on his scythe and a mix of anger and guilt on his face.

At some point, the body of the Eye Worker stumbles towards his frozen body. Bagi, in her fit of rage, doesn't see him and continues stabbing the Worker. Pac feels a flash of pain in his abdomen, and he collapses, downed once again but this time by Bagi. He doesn’t dare to move or to speak– he needs to be as quiet and still as he can if he wants to live, to survive.

He starts to get picked up by someone, but all Pac can manage to say is that they can leave him, he’s fine. He gets picked up, of course, but all he can do is stand there, paralized, as Bagi continues her rampage on the eye worker.

Everything hurts, and all he can do is watch.

#so hiw are we after yesterday :D?#bagis reaction shook ne to my core #im still not over it #also pacs reaction when bagi lost it...#as much as it hurt #yesterday was cinema #qsmp #qsmp writing #pactw #qsmp pac #oibagi #qsmp bagi #fitmc #qsmp fit #aynee writes #tw egg death #tw child death #<< just in case

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bella-goths-wife · 3 months

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What am I without her? (James version)

James x lost boys daughter

Content: how has readers absence affected the blonde rebel whose heart she took with her?

Warnings: guilt, suicidal thoughts, thoughts of murder, yearning, max’s tough love

It had been two months since you left

It had been eight weeks since you left

It had been fifty six days since you left

It had been 1344 hours since you left

Since you escaped

James knew this, he knew this because he incessantly watched his watch tick by and every hour that went by he would add to his mental clock of how long he had been without you.

At first, he denied that you were gone. He was sure that David would catch you before you could even reach Michaels car.

But when he saw the beams of sunlight enter the entrance of the cave behind David’s crouched body, he knew you were gone.

Then came the overwhelming rage that consumed his every thought. He had so much built up anger which he blamed on many things, you for running away, David not catching you, faith for not telling your fathers fast enough, faith for telling your fathers, himself for not holding onto you tighter and himself for holding onto you at all.

This rage caused him to act out at every possible opportunity, he couldn’t work at the video store for weeks because his overwhelming desire to hurt himself or others around him was to strong to resist and every passer-by were just extensions of his anger.

Then came bargaining. He convinced himself that if he somehow cleaned up his act that you’d come back. He stopped smoking, he combed back his hair, he wore less of his leather clothes and dressed more like micheal did. For days on end he acted like he was better, like he was the best possible option for you in the hopes that you’d come back and fall into his arms again.

When this didn’t work, he pleaded with max to make him use his vampiric powers to put James in your dreams like he had done before. He just wanted to see you again, just to know you were safe and that there was no one around you that could love harm you. Max put his foot down and refused, he was already mourning the absence of the only person in his family that he loved and he didn’t have the mental energy to entertain James’s plans to only mentally torture you further.

After that plan failed, James fell into a depression. He wouldn’t leave your bedroom in maxs house, he barely even left your old bed as he pressed your shirts to his nose to make it so he could memorise your already fading scent.

It reminded him of you still, he finally understood the feelings you felt when you would go into one of your depressive episodes and he would lay next to you in the hopes that his mere existence would make you happy again. But now he understands, he understands the pain that you felt and he understands the overwhelming feelings that you admitted to him and the thoughts of just ending it all by simply taking some pills and going for a long sleep.

His thoughts were split into a raging war inside his own mind. Parts of him tried to reassure himself that trying to keep you home was the right thing to do and that he just wanted to make sure you could be safe in his eyesight, but he knows that’s a lie.

He knows he tried to keep you for his selfish wishes, the same way that a pet owner will trap exotic birds in golden cages and use the excuse of luxury as an exception for the cruelty of the confinement. And you were his sweet song bird.

Max knew of James’s selfish actions on that day, and while understood the extent of James’s love, it was unacceptable in max’s eyes.

Their once close relationship had grown rough and tense as the days passed. Until it came to a head on day.

James had stood in front of max with a new sense of purpose as he asked for a simple answer to his problems

“Turn me into a vampire” he had asked with desperation in his tone “turn me into a vampire, and I can find her and bring her home”

Max refused, his head practically burst as the rage he had felt build up since your absence found its release.

He saw James request as entirely selfish and ignorant to the cost. Max knew at that moment that he was talking with a naive child, and not the man he had kept under his roof for half a year now.

He threw James out with a simple look of shame and disappointment at another failed attempt to create the perfect family. James pleaded for a second chance but he was only rewarded with a pointed answer.

“Your love has grown poisonous, it infects and destroys everything you care about and I won’t let my granddaughter be another thing you kill in the process of finding your selfish happiness” max had said firmly “she is worth more than to be a kept pet, that girl could have the world at her feet if she so much as thought about making it her goal and I will not allow her potential to be wasted on an obsessive love that can only lead in her being kept like a toy who you choose to play with”

James saw max as a father figure in his life, he would never admit it but he does. But even that admiration didn’t stop James from envisioning himself staking max in the heart and enjoying watching the life fade from his eyes.

James resisted the urges to hurt the once significant mentor as he turned away and decided on a new plan.

This plan felt more like insanity with James every movement down to the cave, but he’d never felt more desperate for a solution to his yearning.

“What the hell are you doing here?” He heard David’s voice call out in a mixture of anger and confusion before he felt his back slam against the cave walls and he felt David’s hands grip the front of his jacket “you have a lot of fucking nerve”

James gazed at David’s face and almost flinched in shock at the state of him. The once king of Santa Carla had been reduced to a lowly shadow of his once proud self. His presence that had once oozed power and danger, now seemed to bring forward an aura of anger and desperation.

The once proud king of Santa Carla had lost his heir, and has now fallen from his paradise.

James looked once more at David’s snarling face before sighing and looking at him with a firm sense of purpose.

“Turn me” James commanded desperately “turn me and I’ll bring our girl back home”

#slashers x reader #lost boys x reader #lost boys x child reader #poly lost boys x reader #yandere lost boys x reader #platonic lost boys x reader #dad lost boys #yandere lost boys #the lost boys #lost boy x reader

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grapejuicestyless · 4 months

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i have had this idea for so long, but i really think you could do this justice. sort of like the film the holiday!!! but not really set in Christmas and more so through the seasons. harry moves out of the city (doesn’t need to be a singer and could just be a CEO) into a small village in a lovely cottage where all of the furniture is mismatched and there’s sash windows which are always open. He’s there for a few months before he starts to feel lonely so decides to bring in a lodger! He hand makes posters and puts them on the village hall board and … he finally gets a taker! It’s a quirky girl who is totally all over the place and she moves in .. the seasons change and so does their relationship.. friends to lovers OR ACTUALLY maybe it could be so interesting for it to be enemies to lovers! That could be fun to write. But idk I’ve been thinking about it for so long !!! They could organise a dinner party for friends one night or maybe Harry goes away to the city for a meeting and that’s where y/n realises how much she misses him / likes him. Definitely has to be fluffy but also needs to have some drama. I haven’t figured that out yet 😭😭😭 I’m so sorry for this really long rambly post but I wanted to give u as much of my brain as possible lol. I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to see what you would do with this / if it’s something you’re even interested in. Have a gorgeous evening / day / morning xxx love you!!💖💖💖💖💖

Bad People

Harry Styles x fem!reader

Summery: Harry and Y/n met by pure luck. Sharing secrets and laughing like little kids, ribs and cheeks hurting. Y/n is sure Harry is destined to be in her life forever. She’s just not sure when that became a bad thing.

FLANGST/FRIENDS TO ENEMIES TO LOVERS

The pale blue sky looked gray from certain windows. The glass was cracked and the stove stained with boiled over soup broth and old sprinklings of spices.

The birds sang solemnly, humming the tune to what I believed sounded like something you’d hear at a funeral. Here, the pavement was cracked and the stars were consistently covered with clouds. Snow, more often than not, fell heavily. From October to April. The nearby ocean nearly always too cold to swim in. The backyard pool cold and clean, still with nobody to inhabit it.

All the beauty ripped from the earth, and replaced with another kind of it. I wouldn’t mind it half as much, if I had someone to enjoy the snow with. To enjoy the polar plunges, the visible breath and numb fingers.

Like old times sake, snowmen and snowball fights. Sledding or fort making. Rosy cheeks and icy hair a memory of the past. Cheeks hurting from smiles, not the winter chill.

The laughter of my mother was long gone, and my brother outgrew his desire for a sibling as soon as he turned sixteen. Few friends, not any at least, that would enjoy the activities the white powder offered.

So now, I look out the window, nursing a glass of wine propped up on the windowsill. I don’t see the snow day ahead or pray for a white Christmas. I pray that one day, I’ll find someone to enjoy it with me. To soothe the pain little eight year old me suffered with the absence of her father, her distant mother and her selfish brother.

“Looking at it won’t make it fall any faster, Y/n.” The puff of air coming from my nose fogs up to cool glass, and my fingers leave prints along the center.

He’s not looking at me, he rarely does when we aren’t fighting. It’s like I disgust him. I feel like a fool every god damn time.

“Have you always naturally been an asshole or did you grow into it?” I don’t look at him, but I feel his gaze settle on my reflection in the glass. His voice alone urges me to take a large drink from the wine glass. The ruby red staining my top lip. I spread it around and taste the bitterness of it on my tongue.

He begins to leave, almost succeeding without a passing glance, but biting his tongue is something Harry nor I have ever been able to do. So it’s natural how he goes for the last word.

“Theres only so much wine, Y/n.” He teases. I down the rest while he walks away. The sigh that leaves my mouth after I feel the ghost of him leaving me isn’t only for air, but because suddenly the room feels lighter.

It’s funny, how someone so special can leave such a disgusting taste in your mouth. Hatred doesn’t just happen. It creeps, seeps, saturates. It’s a pesky little thing that starts small until finally you can’t ignore how bothered you are. It’s vile and cruel. A poisonous little thing that no one is immune to. It’s a sad yet funny thing. To remember that it wasn’t always like this. I didn’t always hate my old friend, bounded to me through the home we share. I once enjoyed the company of Harry styles.

It was nearly a year since I’d moved in. A year since the slow turned to thick ice and roads became bare with people too afraid to try and navigate through the harsh winter.

Nearly a year since I first saw the house at the end of the road, with a neat front lawn and a tree with hanging branches ready to snap.

A red scarf and red mittens is what I wore. With a faded brown coat and worn blue jeans. A hat on top of my head and a journal tucked underneath my arm. He had the greenest eyes I had ever seen. The stars in the night sky didn’t quite shine as bright as his eyes, I swore it to myself.

He had an english accent, one that I wasn’t familiar with. Peach fuzz and dark chocolate curls a mess on his head. When I told him my job, he laughed, but something about his shocked expression after told me he didn’t mean it cruelly. Rather, that he was shocked, or just piecing the puzzle together.

“I’m my mother’s daughter.” I told him, “She always had a thing for poetry. The sappy ones with the tragic endings. I got it from her and I’m damn good at it.” I smiled at him then, and he smiled back bigger.

“It’s just funny. Moving somewhere so quiet for a job all about fantasy and adventure.” He explained, already guiding the two of us through the wide doorway. I set my boots in the old entryway which it seemed he had turned into a mud room. I admired the shade of green on the wall and nodded along. My cheeks hurt from smiling.

That night, while settling into my new space, I shared with him my life. My goals and dreams. With his toothy smile and boyish eyes, he made it so easy to trust him. I sat on my newly made bed and he sat in my spinning chair by my desk. Moving it back and forth, swaying slowly. A cigarette started dangling from his pocket, I still remember the way he took it between his thumb and his index finger. Rolling it around, debating whether or not to light it. It was like he didn’t know he had it.

“I didn’t take you for a smoker.” I laughed at him, he laughed back. Shy almost, only looking at me for a moment.

“M’not. A few here and there. Helps to wind down.” When he ran his hand through his hair, I remember seeing all his rings. A rose and two with his initials. One looked like a lion. That one was my favorite.

Other than his charming smile and infectious laughter, I knew nothing of him, I had come to realize. Here he was, knowing about my family and friends. My job and my hobbies. All I had asked him was his name.

When I asked him, he was just as talkative as I was. A sparkle in his eyes when he talked about his job. I remember specifically, how they lit up extra bright when he mentioned his mother, Anne, and his older sister, Gemma. I learned about his job too. Harry had everything he could ever truly want. The money, the power, the glory. His office at the top floor overlooking the bustling city that never sleeps. Families dancing around the square and traffic backed up into the city line.

The sad thing was, that even with all this pride he got to carry with his reputation, the city was no home to him. The summer held no comfort. Not the same now that he was long out of school. The heat was simply uncomfortable. His lavish suit sticking to his skin. Even the air conditioner couldn’t soothe the pounding of his head against the strong New York heat.

His nose stung in the summer. The warmer it got, the worse it smelled. Garbage littering the streets no longer covered by thick snow. Tourists and their children filling up all his favorite places of relaxation. Each carrying their own scent from home. The calming pine from the North or the tangy citrus of the west coast.

Harry felt no true love for his home anymore. No real attachment. There was no smell of home, and there certainly wasn’t any old faces with their gravelly voices and thick accents. If it weren’t for the business there, he would’ve fled somewhere else long ago. Somewhere quieter. Somewhere that felt like home. If he could, he would have tucked himself back into the small home his mother raised him and his sister in. He would’ve curled up happily in his twin bed and looked out the same crooked window each night and feel happy with only that.

He tells me that when he got in the car waiting for him at the airport, he was tempted to tell the driver to take him home, to see if it would make him smile. He’d seen the gag used in all the old rom-coms he and his mother used to watch. The short blonde running from the love of her life only to be led back into his arms. But Harry know’s better. He tells me so. So when the driver asks him where to, he tells him the address.

He told me about his work life. How there was a branch out in the UK. The one that started it all. And as his success grew, so did his aspirations and his needs. London no longer provided him with the luxury and opportunity that New York could. So he swapped out his office for a penthouse and acted like the smell of burning garbage and mysterious wet spots on the sidewalks didn’t bother him.

It’s a vicious cycle. To outgrow, to long for, to move, to hate all over again. Thats how he decided that London has just what he needed. His business within reach and smaller towns surrounding its borders.

“And what about now? Are you happy?” Harry crinkled his eyes then, smiling a nodding along. He didn’t even mind it then, when I would interrupt. In fact, he welcomed it. Claimed he loved hearing me talk.

I agreed with him when he said that the grass is greener down here. The stars are just that much brighter and theres not a single car honking their horn past nine. All things that left him feeling a whole lot calmer than the chaos of the city.

Here, Harry told me he didn’t mind not living in a lavish penthouse just a few blocks away from his work. Here, he was hours away from the city. He stays in a medium sized cape cod styled house, pre-decorated from the past owners who didn’t care to take their things when they left for something bigger. It sticks out from the rest of the homes nearby. He wonders how something so different ended up within the same area. And he smiled and sat on the floor when I laughed and told him he’d already lived quite the life for a nearly-thirty year old man.

When silence took over after over an hour long conversation, I bit at my nails and looked at the floor. Suddenly, it came to me.

“Harry?” I had asked. He hummed, looking at me. Even if I hadn’t looked back, I could still feel his eyes on mine. “What made you want a roommate?” When my eyes flickered up to his, I saw no hate, or disgust, or shame. Nothing that I am familiar with now in Harry’s eyes. I saw curiosity, warmth and happiness.

“I like the quiet. I like being able to sleep without someone yelling down the hallway. I like how green it is over here.” I nodded, waiting for him to continue. “But the quiet get’s lonely. And while I like the quiet, I hate being alone.” And it made me smile back then. Maybe it still does thinking about it know. He had been helping me in finding a home, some place warm to stay. Meanwhile, I had been able to give back. Give him what he wanted. At the time, my heart warmed.

For a long time after that, Harry made my heart beat fiercely. He brought me flowers and made us pancakes. Freshly picked blueberries from the local market. He cracked jokes and I repeated them back between our broken laughter, imitating his english accent.

He was a charming man, with an energy that invited and kept you drawn to him. Everyone wanted to be around Harry. The men and the women. Always wanting a piece of the pie. I felt rich in life, that while others had to work for a lifelong friendship with him, naturally, we fit together. We worked.

He entered my life by some kind of coincidence. I needed a place to stay and he was offering a room up.

When he brushed his thumb over my knuckles and kissed the skin, I believed we would be like this forever. Just the two of us.

When he whispered to me that he loved me that same night, I thought it was something he would never take back. Something that would never change. His warm breath and glistening eyes. He was red and shiny. A bottle of the cheap champagne sat on the table and an empty glass beside him. I let his lips trail around my hand and laugh at his antics.

“Harry.” I mumbled into the darkness, he doesn’t move. I silently giggle again after he puffs air out of his own nose onto my hand playfully. His shoulders shake with his own fits of laughter, “Harry.” I call out again, and my eyes are met with his dazzling emerald ones. I almost got lost, forgot how to talk looking at him.

My palms were sweaty with nervousness then. My heart beating out of my chest. I wanted more than anything to tell him everything. As a poet, it should have been easy to put my thoughts out in the open air. But they hadn’t sat within me for long enough to curate a straight forward answer.

How would I even manage to start on how beautiful I thought his brown hair was? Perfectly colored like milk chocolate treats that curled over his forehead. Or his toothy grin which pulled butterflies from the pit of my stomach and made me feel lighter? I couldn’t find just one thing to focus on. And the words that came out of my mouth tumbled out quickly.

“You’re my best friend.” I hoped that he would’ve been able to see how much love I held for him in my face. How even in the dim lighting of only the fireplace and the fading lamp in the corner, he could see how they sparkled just for him.

He pulled his hand away after that, clearing his throat and nodding. But he smiled so softly after that I didn’t see how his eyes welled up with tears. I only saw his perfectly pink lips and his rosy cheeks. For once, I wasn’t focused on his eyes, and I paid the price.

He never made pancakes for us after that night. Nor did he ever pick flowers from the fields or crack jokes until our stomachs hurt. My hand was never slotted between his and my head didn’t rest on top of his shoulders. His was colder, more distant. Quiet.

But the quiet grew old for us both. And the slipping away hurt more than anything I’d ever experienced. I was everyone else in his life. Fighting for a spot in the light so he would see me, smile at me, acknowledge me.

Part of me wondered why he never asked me to leave. To pack my bags and find another innocent man to love because he wouldn’t tolerate it anymore. But he never did. Harry hated being alone and I knew better than anyone else. I knew it because I was his best friend at some point. We shared the same breaths and drank from the same glasses. I wore his shirts and he used my hair clips. He kept me around not because he still wanted me, but because he still needed me. And the realization of it all hurts worse than the silence because it’s then I know that I’ve really lost him. It leaves me with the question, ‘What have I done to deserve this?’

I think back on that night when our world shifted on its axis and I go over every word that was said. I check for any signs of discomfort or anger and I find nothing. It plagues me with a new insecurity.

Maybe it wasn’t something I’d said, maybe it wasn’t something I’d done. Maybe the warmth from the champagne grew cold in his blood and the false euphoria from it all cleared from his peripheral vision and he realized that I was no longer enough. I was not what he wanted. The idea of his roommate becoming his only friend too pathetic for a man with such power.

Soon after, I stop putting up a fight. I stop fighting for a spot in his life and I stop trying to win back a man that was never mine. I figured at least if he could never be mine and I would never be his, at least I still got to see his pretty face everyday. And I could imagine that we never drifted.

I wake in the night, I pace like a ghost. The tears running down my cheeks are hot, burning my skin until my throat dully aches and my chest is red with flakes of nail polish and the dragging of my nails clawing at my chest.

I am sobbing, broken and tired. I dream of a life that is not as miserable. I dream of a life where I no longer doubt the things I love. Where I don’t have to question my friend’s loyalty.

He knocks on my door, leaning against it in only his flannel pants. He has tattoos that compliment his skin so well. He looks like a painting. I’m relieved to see him again. Even if it’s under these circumstances.

I wait for him to speak, even if it’s merely a mumble. Even if I cannot understand.

“Can you stop crying? I can’t sleep.” He requests. My lips part and I swear my lungs collapse within my chest. I can’t breathe and somehow I remain composed.

“Okay.” I say quietly, nodding along and trying to find his eyes. They look at the floor, and his face is contorted like it pained him to say that to me. Like it was against his will. But he doesn’t even look at me.

When he leaves, I collapse, shoulder shaking with rage, sadness, confusion instead of the contagious laughter that once rang out through the halls.

I decide then, July moon shining through the sash windows of my room that I couldn’t continue holding onto Harry. My heart still beats for him and my eyes still sparkled when his own lingered for just a moment longer on me, but I couldn’t like him.

Hatred doesn’t just happen. It creeps, seeps, saturates. It’s a pesky little thing that starts small until finally you can’t ignore how bothered you are. It’s vile and cruel. A poisonous little thing that no one is immune to. It’s a sad yet funny thing.

After that night, his selfish wishes turn to bitter comments which turn to vicious attacks at my confidence. And my resilience and devotion to silence, to ignore the cruelty of it all is worn thin. My bitten tongue is freed and I am betrayed by my own words. My own comments targeted at his deepest hurts. It’s a mutual hate between us, a mutual dislike.

We live within the same four walls, the same windows and creaky roof over our heads. We cook in the same kitchen and we sit on the same couch, but we cannot stand each other anymore. The house is no longer filled with love, and the warm heat turns to bitter cold. And yet, neither of us have the guts to leave.

We sit here, in a life thats so mean to us just because we are afraid of the loneliness that is surely to come with the other’s absence.

We are here, but we aren’t present. It makes me laugh, it makes me wonder.

Who could ever leave me? But who could stay?

The candles burned down to the floor, wax melting over the wood as the lights set a warm, homely mood for the night. The late December rush throughout the town turned to the few and far between searching for last minute supplies to ring in the new year. It’s peacefully still outside, and the dining room looks so nice I forget why the candles burn and our nicest plates are set out.

Harry insisted on having a small gathering with some of our friends to celebrate the new year before he went away for sometime for work. Being roommates, despite our lack of interest in establishing our own friendship, his friends become my friends and mine become his. It’s a fairly large group that was once two. But have now become so closely intertwined that it seems hard to differentiate who was friends with who first.

There was wine, pastas and breads. Hams and potatoes. Drinks and endless desserts. It felt nice, to have all those people we cared so deeply about chip in and help to create such a lovely meal for the few of us.

Hearing that first doorbell ring to see all of our friends stood proudly on our crooked doorstep made my heart flutter. Sarah, Mitch, Pauli, Elin, Charlotte, Nyoh. All holding various foods to add to the never ending supply on the multiple tables set in a row.

“Harry! Y/n!” The enthusiasm from our friends seemed to lighten the mood, letting the heavy feeling of heated arguments and constant anger slip down my back and into the farthest part of my brain.

It was times like these where I’d forget how to hate. How to spread anger and disgust to someone who clearly showed none of it in return in these times. Here, Harry was talkative. Always plastering on a fake smile and wave.

He was good at pretending. And while the walls of the house had seen a different story, those around us were innocent, forever unknowing of how Harry constantly belittled me, bothered me. Of how I was no better. How my tongue was sharp and my words shot to kill.

Nobody minded the difference in height of the dinning room table against the kitchen table. How one was round and the other a rectangle. Both covered by one long table cloth. Nobody minded the soft music in the background or how the light wasn’t the brightest. The soft flickers never mentioned.

We let the candles burn until they had nothing left to give, and we ate until it was bare and our stomachs hurt. Here, I never felt like I was trapped. Here, I remembered by I came to live with Harry in the first place. And I was thankful. It was times like these I couldn’t help smiling like an idiot. Cheeks sore and eyes crinkling. I would laugh at just about anything, trust anyone and agree with everything.

“When are you going to tell him?” An elbow to the ribs pulled my gaze from the end of the table, my smile dropping for only a moment at the sudden shock.

“Sorry?” I mumbled softly into Sarah’s ear. Her eyes glimmered with something mischievous, like she knew something that I didn’t. She licked her pink lips and looked briefly back to the end of the table. All the way over by the dining table, sat a few feet away and a couple inches higher, was Harry. Laughing and talking with Pauli and Elin about anything and everything. I couldn’t quite make it out over the soft chatter of Mitch and Charlotte and the clinking of forks on plates.

“Harry!” She called softly. When my eyebrows furrowed she rolled her eyes, sighing heavily.

“I don’t get it.” Forking another bite of vegetables into my mouth, I watched her fight for the right words to say. Her lips finally settling on the soft smile I knew very well.

“Don’t play dumb, Y/n. I know that look. Better than anyone. Thats how I look at Mitch.” She playfully nudged my shoulder. Did she believe that I held any romantic feelings for Harry? I couldn’t, it was impossible. Right?

His rude remarks and his mean demeanor. Sure, at one point my heart beat for the brunette with an infectious smile and shiny green eyes, but now it was a memory of the past. Another pretty face who had thrown away all of his charm and care and exchanged with unwavering cruelty.

“Oh, no. Sarah, I don’t think about him that way.” I tried to wave her off, trying to sound the least amount disgusted by her assumption. I couldn’t help but wonder why she thought that.

“I don’t believe you.” She sounded smug, crossing her hands on my thigh and giggling. “You don’t have to. I believe myself.” Brushing her off, I take another bite of any remaining scraps on my plate. Trying to avoid conversation.

“Come on, you seriously don’t see it?” She sounded exasperated now, even more so when I nodded carelessly. She was getting tired of my avoidance to the conversation, my disinterest in her false discovery. Still, the longer she pushed, the more I felt the heat rush to my face. The more my cheeks burned and my skin tingled.

“I’m serious, Sarah. I don’t look at him in anyway. He’s just my roommate. Nothing more, nothing less.” I lean back, volume brought down to a mere whisper with the dying laugher at the other end of the table.

“Well, he’s your friend at least, right?” The lump in my throat was unswallowable. With the growing tightness in my throat and the clamminess of my palms. I wanted nothing more than to slip away and pretend this never happened. So, I bite my tongue and nod, eyes flickering to Sarah while I do so. I pray that she doesn’t see the tears welling in the corners and how glossy they’ve gotten in such a short period of time.

“Yeah, he’s my best friend.” The lie stings, burning as it comes out. Partially because I hate lying to my dear Sarah, but mainly because at some point it was the truth.

Harry was my everything at one point in my life. He might as well have hung the damn moon and stars. I thought the world of him, wanted nothing more than to feel his arms wrapped around mine all the damn time. And it killed me that we’d gotten so far away from that idea that I had to lie about even being acquainted with him.

“Word of advice.” She started, eyeing Harry carefully. My eyes remained glued to the table, fork wobbling between my pointer finger and my thumb. “Best friends don’t look at each other that way.” And when she finished what she wanted to say, I swear my heart just about stopped. All color draining from my face and my eyes rapidly blinking away the tears by now.

Setting my fork down, I ignore her playful smile and the nudge of her shoulder into mine. I look for another face to converse with, to make me begin to forget everything I was trying so desperately to escape. When I search the table, it seems like each person has found themselves in deep conversation with the other. All but one.

And his green eyes capture mine in a way I haven’t known in so long. I’d forgotten what it was like to be the center of his gaze. How thrilling it was. With my eyes, glossed over and heart beating through my chest, it seemed impossible for me to ever consider looking away. His chocolate brown curls and sweet pink lips in a gentle smile. It was consuming and alluring. Irresistible even.

A face that once disgusted me, shattered my heart, angered me and knocked me down with no air left to breathe seemed not all that frightening anymore. And the warmth that spread in my chest scared me more than anything.

I begin to realize, maybe Sarah was right. Maybe that was why I hated him so much. I didn’t hate Harry Styles. And thats why it hurt just that much more. I didn’t hate him at all, in fact. No, rather my poor heart couldn’t handle the heartbreak and deflected in the most malicious way possible. I missed my best friend.

“Y/n.” Sarahs voice pulls me from my haze, and my eyes are flickering over to hers quickly. Lips still parted and eyes still wide.

“You’re crying.” I hadn’t felt the salty heat dripping down my cheeks until she announced it. My skin too numb from embarrassment to even understand what was happening.

My tongue is tied, and my throat is killing me. I feel like I might vomit if I stay here any longer. I can’t be here any longer, I can’t do it. Not when I’ve just realized what I did. I feel what I felt all those months ago when Harry told me to stop crying. When he shut me out for good and became bitter. I feel all air leave my lungs and my knees wobbling. I am going to collapse.

“I just need air.” I say all too loudly, pushing out the chair clumsily and stepping back. The loud scratch of the wooden legs of the wooden floors turns heads and my heavy breathing tells me to get the hell out.

I pardon myself after that, waving off any concern from Sarah, and making sure nobody else saw my escape. Everyone’s still deep into conversation when I turn the corner. All but Sarah and Harry. But neither of them make a move to reach me. I let myself collapse on my bed, mascara running down my white sheets and back aching from how stiff I became at that table. I silently pray that I’ll sleep through the rest of winter.

When the dinner got cold and we’d all run out of things to say, we all look around and silently agree to part ways. It was nice to have some company, I enjoyed being around these people so much. My heart should have been full, yet it felt heavy and empty all at the same time. Littered with a guilt I wasn’t even sure was mine.

I’d seen the way she looked at me. Really looked at me. Glossed over eyes and a quivering lip. She was red with the rush of adrenaline in her blood. Anyone could see how quickly she began to breathe. It was like she was stuck, consumed by something so strong that it left her powerless, weak, crumbling quickly under an undetermined pressure. She started to cry, biting back a sob by biting harshly into her bottom lip, eyes shaking while she searched my face. I couldn’t help but wonder what had happened. Who had said what, and how I could help her.

I wanted to yell at whoever hurt her this bad. And the feeling of that in itself was unsettling. How my heart still longed to comfort, protect the heart of the girl who once shattered my own with her own words. More than that, I wanted to scream when nobody followed her when she ran. How nobody cared nearly enough about why she was so upset.

I couldn’t understand why I was so invested in her. Someone I was sworn to hate. Someone I had teased and fought for months and let hurt me constantly in retaliation.

But then again, we were no better than one another. We never were. Always saying too little and not opening up quite enough. Creating issues instead of solving problems. We were explosive, nobody could hurt me quite like she could and yet, I felt horrible that she was so upset.

Like the day I’d found her pacing restlessly across the floor. Skin blotchy and eyes puffy with tears. Throat sore with the violent sobs ripping through them. I’d wanted to hold her then too, but I was too bitter to do anything but tell her to quiet down. I felt the same guilt in my bones. And I make the same mistakes I made the first time. I watch her break down and sit with the uneasiness of it all.

Mitch lays a hand over my shoulder, his other arm wrapped around Sarah as he leads her through the door. His eyes look sad and tired. But his smile is genuine and filled with concern.

“Check on Y/n for us okay? Sarah thought it would be best to leave her be for now.” His hand left my shoulder and the door shut quickly after. Leaving me with the unbearable silence and loneliness I felt so frequently nowadays. It breaks down my walls and scares the shit out of me.

Maybe thats why I make my way to the kitchen, shuffling slowly along the floors and leaning slowly over the makeshift tables. A bottle of rouge in one hand, a pack of cigarettes in the other. I stuff them in my pocket and hold the bottle close to my side.

I’m slow, delaying the inevitable question. When I knock on the door, it’s quiet. Almost like I’m hoping that if it’s soft enough, she won’t hear and I can pretend she was ignoring me. But, she does hear me, and she calls out a raspy, muffled welcome, signaling for whoever was hidden behind the door to come through and take in her puffy eyes and wet cheeks.

My throat tightens when I smell her perfume. Something that I would have drowned in not so long ago. She has clothes thrown on a chair in the corner, the same one I sat in so many months ago. I’m tempted to push them off and just sit in the silence with her like we once enjoyed doing.

Her head is in her pillow and her arms are underneath her. She is unaware of who she has let in, but her silence and unmoving body tells me she’s lost all ability to care. I want to leave. I want to turn around and convince myself it was all a mistake. I’d checked on her and she was still alive and well. I’d done my part and I could go on guilt free and forget about how crushed she’d looked just hours before.

When I begin to turn on my heels and pray for this day to be over, I see something unforgettable. A small Polaroid from last year. Just weeks after she’d moved in and charmed me with her beauty and whit. She’s sat with her legs over my lap and my arms around her body. We couldn’t be any happier, and the memory makes my chest sting.

She still cared enough to keep up the old memories of us, even after all the fights and mean glares. Why did she have to keep the damn photo up?

Guilt consumes me once again, and I am faced with the sad woman in front of me, still in the same place as before and just as sad as before. My feet betray my mind, and soon I am stood beside her bedside table with a bottle of wine dangling between my pointer finger and my middle finger.

The glass knocks against her shoulder in a silent invitation. My eyes wordlessly asking her to follow. Her eyes are red, and her lips still shake. She looks completely torn apart, desperate and distraught. Disheveled even. But for some reason in my blurry head, all I can think about is how absolutely beautiful she is in the pale moonlight.

“Come on.” I ask her softly, offering her my hand. When she takes it, she’s nodding already. Trusting a man who deserves no second chances, no trust whatsoever for his cruelty and his inability to communicate. But she follows regardless.

I can’t help but realize how having her so close feels good.

He lights the cigarette for me and watches as I let it burn. My lips twitch as they wrap around the end, tasting the bitterness of its contents and the dry paper.

“How did we end up here?” I ask him, looking over the horizon. The waves are calming over here. They almost silence the ringing in my ears, despite the distance between where we sit, feet dangling over the empty pool edge and the large grass behind it.

He shrugs, snagging the cigarette from my hand delicately and taking a long drag from its end. We swap, my hands wrap around the neck of the wine bottle. It’s tinted green and nearly full.

“Unlucky people, I guess.” He looks at his feet. They dangle in the pool beside mine. You can see just how close we are in the turquoise tint. How the lights make us look less vibrant.

“I wouldn’t consider us unlucky.” I look at the sky, and I can feel his eyes on my face. It makes me swallow, how intense his gaze is. It almost makes it feel that much more real.

“Why’s that?” He asks, twisting the bud out on the cement. It stains the freshly cleaned grey stone an ashy black, but I bite my tongue.

“We had each other. Maybe we aren’t the best people, maybe we’re cruel, but I’d rather argue than live in solitude, right? Company can’t be bought. Even the most painful of it. That’s something real. Something without a price. And we’ve got it.” And it’s true. We fight and we throw shit. We stain the walls and rip the curtains. We start fires and try to blame the other. We make a mess and make amends. But a house isn’t a home without someone to share it with. And at least if we had to suffer to get there, we got it.

“Thats some of your poet shit.” He laughs sadly into the silence, looking at his feet. I laugh along, though I can tell he was only half joking. Then, I let the silence wash back over us. Forgetting how we almost had a full conversation.

“I’m not a bad person. I don’t know why I’m so mean.” He says sincerely. It’s sudden too. I can tell from the rawness in his voice. How his eyes tear up and his lips quiver. His voice cracks. Our feet hang off the edge of the backyard. It’s a quiet life. Even now. With our fights and all the fraud. But it’s never a lonely life, and we only have each other to thank for it.

I want to tell him I know, and I’m so sure of it. I’ve seen the real him, we might just not mesh together. But we once had, and that fact alone holds me back. He takes the lack of response and an opportunity to excuse himself. Pulling his body up by the arms and grunting through the sliding back door. I sit alone in the backyard for hours, body curling up into itself and layers of clothing becoming less than enough after some more time.

“I know.” I whisper into the silence. I know he’s not a bad person, I know it so well and I am so certain of it. I knew Harry once. He’s loyal and kind and the smartest man I’d ever met. And I miss knowing him like that so much.

I thought for a second tonight, I’d gotten part of him back. And maybe I had, but he left so soon I couldn’t really tell all that well. He’s left me back in the silence, wondering what happened to us, and what will happen to us. Why he came to get me, and why he even bothered to open up to me. But he never gives me the time to properly ask, even if I planned to.

I ring in the New Year alone.

The next morning he’s gone. Back to New York for his business in the big city and I am left to sit and think about what was said. A half empty bottle of wine stained with my red lipstick and glitter on the floor from old party poppers Charlotte and Elin had made sure to use before making their exit. I repeat his words.

He’s not a bad person, so why is he so mean? It’s best left unknown. Because if theres one thing I fear more than anything, it’s the realization of rejection.

Even from a man I hate so entirely, it consumes me. That I could not stand to be faced with the fact that Harry and I do not get along simply because we do not work and not because of some other underlying reason.

After all, we had it all. Gave each other everything the other had wanted. Food, shelter, company. There was really so explanation for the bitterness between us.

After all, all this time, despite his anger and hatred, he never left me to the wolves. And despite my heartbreak and sadness, I never left him with an empty home.

A wise man once said to never bite the hand that feeds it. Yet, here we are. Ripping skin from bone until we are left with nothing. We are the ungrateful, the selfish, the cruel. And we both believe that we are in the right.

I am so scared of rejection from this man who I claim to hate because he is the hand that feeds me and I am the hand to him.

We aren’t bad people, so why are we so mean? We recognize all we have to be grateful for, so why do we bite the hand that feeds us?

I guess the vulnerability of it all must have scared us. And while facing the storm, we did what all people do. We let fear consume us and we bite.

Somehow, through all of this. The realizations and the tears and wine and dusty ashes, I love him. Even with my teeth sinking into his skin and his own in mine, drawing blood, I love him. I love Harry Styles. He is my best friend and I am his. That is why I am scared and that is why it hurts so bad. Not because I simply missed him, but rather because my heart was devoted to a man who did not want it.

My fingers fumble over the pad on the phone. I type up his phone number by heart and let it ring. He answers quickly, still waiting for his plane at the airport.

“Y/n?” I can hear the bustling crowds around him and the loud engines taking off from other terminals. I imagine he is plugging one of his ears and mentally cursing the noise for making it so hard to hear.

“Come home.” My breathing is unstable, and my hands run through my hair so much I create new tangles by my neck.

“What? No, Y/n, I have to go. People are expecting me.” He starts to explain how important this is for his business. How it would be so much simpler to be there rather than over a computer screen.

“Fuck them, who cares! Harry, I need you, and I want you, please just listen to me for once. Don’t scoff, or…or roll your eyes or leave! Listen to me this once and if it’s not worth it to you, I promise you’ll never have to listen to me again. Please, it’s important.” I ramble, endless pleas met with silence. I can feel the rejection coming, I can hear the way he chokes on a breath, debating what I said.

“Okay.” The phone goes dead with his promise to come home. With the continuous beeps, I slowly come to terms with what I’d just done. But I do not feel panicked, or scared. I feel lighter with the fact that I am about to tell the moody boy something I wished I told him a long time ago.

The door opens with a creak, keys jingling in his large palms. I’d spent the morning pacing the kitchen. Leaving a trail of confetti behind in my wake. I hadn’t cared enough to clean with my endless thoughts and extreme amounts of adrenaline.

“Y/n?” His voice was unsure when it rang out. As if he didn’t know what to expect. The door shut behind him not long before I came rushing around the corner, fingernails bitten to the skin and hangnails bleeding profusely.

“God, Y/n what the hell…” Taking my hands into his, he examined the redness of my irritated skin stained further with dry blood.

“I know.” I looked at him, and he looked back at me like I was crazy.

“What?” His thumbs bent over the backs of my palms, holding me in front of him.

“I know.” I breathed out again, looking at him with such sincerity, praying for him to understand. “You’re not a bad person, and I know it because I know you. Because we fight and we tease and we scream and cry. But I know you because once we didn’t do all of that. And I needed you to know that because it wasn’t fair of me to make you believe that to be true after everything you’ve done for me.” My voice shook with how vulnerable I felt myself becoming. Harry’s hands only tightened the further I explained.

“But what about all I’ve done to you. Y/n, I’ve been awful to you and I never even told you why.” He tried to argue. I shook my head, biting my lips.

“I haven’t been much better.” I smiled sadly. He shook his head back.

“No.”

“Yes.” I blinked hard, pushing back the tears that formed watching his own gather by his waterline.

“No, Y/n, I’ve been horrible. I’ve been mean.” He tried to push away everything I was trying to ignore.

“And so have I.” I tried harder to make him understand.

“But you only did it because I had. And for what?” He finally spoke, voice raised with so much desperation behind it, I froze under his touch.

“Because I loved you so much it drove me fucking insane? Because I still love you and I’m afraid if I can’t get you to hate me I’ll never be able to stop.” He was crying now, pleading with me to make me see his side of things. All I could do was shake my head.

“Harry I could never hate you.”

“But you could never love me.” He argued.

“Thats not true, Harry tell me you know that it couldn’t be true.” I rip my hands from his grip to rest them on his cheeks. I try to wipe away his tears, but his hands cover my wrists and pull them back down.

“How could I? You said it yourself. All those months ago, I told you. I held you close and I told you I loved you. You told me I was your best friend. You couldn’t even pretend!” Neither of us could tell if he was angry or just sad. Maybe both, but no amount of denial would calm him down.

“I didn’t have to, I still don’t have to pretend! Harry, I only said that because I was so fucking scared. Scared of us, of me, of you. Of losing you if it didn’t work. And I lost you anyways, I would’ve just said it if I knew I’d lose you like this.” Our chests bumped and his fingers slipped between mine.

“Y/n.” He whispered into the silence, over our heavy breathing and salty tears.

“I love you, and I miss you.” He didn’t say anything. I could feel him slipping away as soon as his response never came. Not a single word left to say between us. Not a single amount of energy left to fight.

And then he was kissing me. Hard and sweet. Like I was everything he’d ever wanted and more. Like he was hungry, needing more and more of something he had always wanted but could never have. And at the same time, it was soft and tender. Like he never wanted it to end. My back arched within the grip of his wandering hands and my fingers tangling in his curls. I swore I would never let him go.

But it was a swear I couldn’t keep, because air dwindled quickly and spit strung between our lips. Something I would usually gag at, but didn’t mind at the moment. His forehead against mine and arms gripping the fabric by my hips so tight if I moved he could have ripped it.

“I’m sorry.” He apologized in between his heaving breaths.

“Me too.” Looking at him, I could see the red staining his lips from the makeup I’d slept in. It made me laugh, which in result made him smile.

“What? What!” He laughed along cluelessly, letting me back away for a moment.

“You have something-“ I pointed again his mouth and smiled.

“Oh do I? Do I?” He kissed my cheek, smearing the remnants of our kiss across my cheek. “Still there?” He asked with a sly grin. Like he knew he was winning.

So I kissed him hard again, smearing red around his skin and his pink lips with so much love, there was no denying my feelings anymore. There was no hate left to give.

“Yeah, you do.” It was yet another fight, but not one I minded.

After all, thats what we did for so long, it was what we were good at. The teasing and the fighting. Only now it wasn’t bitter, it was playful. And we didn’t coexist with the sole purpose of it.

Because now I was his and he was mine. And this knowledge answered all my questions, all my doubts I’d had before about our relationship and our shared insecurities that led us down this scaring path.

Harry was my best friend, and I was his. And there was no love greater than that.

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