#this “reflection in the tea” transition is ridiculous and i love it

[magicomens]

Happy Merlin finale anniversary to those who celebrate :)

I'm taking a small break from the comic for the holidays, see you in late January with Part 8 and a new story arc!

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#bbc merlin #good omens #crowley #aziraphale #merlin #arthur pendragon #merlin spoilers #magic omens au #comic #art #long post #this “reflection in the tea” transition is ridiculous and i love it #feel free to send me asks btw!! I love talking about the comic and reading yor questions!!

[k-s-morgan]

As someone who greatly appreciates your writing, I just have a few questions to ask. Your work always seems to have very complex plot points and holds a great amount of subtle foreshadowing. The execution and tying together of these narrative arcs imply an impressive amount of foresight so I can't even imagine how much planning it would require. Which is exactly my first question: how much of these storyline do you plan in advance? The way you write makes it seem like you have everything laid out in your head. Each arc seems to have a specific purpose in perpetuating the protagonists' development and no major plot point seems spontaneous or poorly planned.

When I ask these questions, I'm thinking specifically of TGSTLTH because with your original cases, each of them provide complex situations with realistic (and sufficiently unpredictable) solutions. The processes by which the cases are solved are equally believable and coherent. Even in the cases which you haven't made up - the ones from the anime - your extrapolations of them add an incredible level of depth (to the point where I can wholeheartedly say it improves them) in a way that makes it hard to believe it's not canon.

Once you've planned your chapters, how do you go about writing them? How do you perpetuate the plot points? And another thing I absolutely must ask is how do you achieve such a great dialogue-description ratio? Your chapter's are effortlessly long and extremely descriptive, but not to the point where the pacing feels slow or dragged out. The transitions between dialogue and description are seamless, and the speech always feels well placed and purposeful. Such a balance is something I've always struggled with in my writing so I'm keen to take any advice on board.

My final question is about word count. How the hell do you get it so damn long. That's the question. Forgive my laconism but the way you talk about accidentally reaching like 20k words in a chapter is literally baffling to me. I have to know how you do it  •_•

Hello! First I have to say, thank you so much for your long and thoughtful asks - I'm always so happy to recieve them, reading them is a pleasure. And I have to apologize because this answer is probably going to be useless!

Honestly, I wouldn't say that I plan match. I usually just have a couple of large ideas (in the case of TGSTLTH, these are mostly milestones from the anime) and a couple of smaller ones. Everything else comes when I'm writing, and that's one of the reasons why I love doing it so much. Things slip into their places automatically - I usually call it the magic of writing. It's like my mind knows where I'm going, but I do not, and I learn it very gradually, as more and more words are typed, uncovering more pieces.

As an example: I had an idea for a made-up case a few months back, and this is how it's described in my notes: "C and S have to allow themselves to be tortured, C plans, S snaps." Beyond this outline, I have no idea what I'm going to be writing about, but I know and anticipate the moment when I start typing and the ideas start being born, shaping a picture even I don't see right now.

From character development, most things I do plan are pretty basic. For example, in one episode Sebastian is weirdly cruel to Ciel but in the next one, he's suddenly almost nice. Something had to have happened between them, so I pick a potential idea and then the details add themselves.

I do have some minimal notes that I made when re-watching the anime. For example, about the tea-set Soma is going to break (I needed a story of Sebastian trying hard to find it) and about Ciel being drunk before the case with the ghosts in the castle (since Sebastian specifically doesn't allow him to drink there). Some of my other notes include: "13 birthday queen doesn’t interact because asks about christmas in 3.02," "discussion of why 19^00 circus 3.07", "BoC champagne tower bothers Ciel with what a good idea", etc. This helps include smaller details that I might have forgotten about if I hadn't made notes.

Most of this kind of planning also comes from re-watching the anime so many times that I largely know it by heart. I do a bit a more detailed planning right before writing a chapter: I settle on a vague scenario and describe some basic parts in one sentence. Then I follow this very loose outline and watch how it becomes detailed in the process of writing. For instance, the chapters about the teachers: all I knew before I started writing was that Ciel and Sebastian would have this game. I had no idea Ciel would pretend to be blind until the very second it happened or that he would make Sebastian lose his mind by pretending he's dying. It all clicked just at the right moment, like it usually happens. This magic of writing delights me.

As for dialogue-description ratio: I think I just use my preferences as a reader here, to be honest. I write something, then I re-read it and see how it feels. Sometimes I feel I overdid it, so I remove some bits. Or on the contrary, I feel like the scene is too hollow, so I add more descriptions/emotions to it. I also know that as a reader, I prefer it when writers focus on emotions, character development, and relationships first and foremost, so I do the same in my own works, paying only minimal attention to other details. I feel like 99% of scenes have to involve relationship dynamics even when it's a case investigation, so my writing reflects this preference.

And regarding the size of the chapters: oh, it's a curse because I keep misleading my readers! I always struggled with writing something short - my characters usually like to talk or suffer too much to describe it quickly, but it's still ridiculous. I think my long chapters come from the lack of proper planning. Like I said before, I just note down some basics. For example, about the scene in the next chapter: "Sebastian goes to talk to the demons, all threatening and possessive." I know this will happen, and I imagine it'll take me around 2K to describe, but in reality, when I start, it'll probably easily grow into 5K or so. Some demon might not want to talk right from the start or the other one might make Sebastian have some realization that he'll perplex himself over. If Sebastian ends up getting to Claude, then the size of this scene will increase even more, which will affect the entire chapter!

Sorry if this isn't much of an answer - I see writing as something deeply mysterious, and I'm just happy I get to experience the pleasure of doing it!

#my fics #writing #sebaciel #black butler

[lover-of-trash-and-people]

shadow and bone rewatch s1e6 while drinking mid-range scotch

I wish I have a face that is as unlined and pretty as Ben Barnes' when I'm 39

Arken you dirty dirty liar

the face Alek is making at his lies that he knows are lies firstly because he knows the art of lying so well and also because he can read people very well

okay Ivan is kind of a bad bitch with his smirk at Arken's lies

alek's eyes narrowing and his little smile when Arken says 'im an entertainer' bitch I love this show

*grabs hand, pulls up sleeve, and discovers Arken's hand is full of marks indicating successful passages through the fold* 'well, that is certainly entertaining' I love this man with all my heart

him screaming is so fucking hot, is that weird for me to say

Nina being the Darkling's spy is quite interesting

Ben giving the Darkling crazy eyes when Arken owns up to his guilt is so cool

also wtf is Arken a fool trying to negotiate with possibly the strongest man in the world

kind of loved the darkness literally eating him

also love Alina learning to use her powers better when she is alone than when she is with anyone else, wish we got to see the cut in this season as per the books, ah can't have everything I guess

the camera pan to Jesper's gun at his side, amazing

god Jessie is literally so beautiful I need to see her bring Alina to the peak of her power so bad

netflix you better renew this series to let the plot run to its completion

HOW THE FUCK DID THEY CAST THE CROWS SO PERFECTLY

INEJ FUCKING TREMBLING JUST THE TINIEST BIT AS SHE BOWS SLIGHTLY TO ALINA SGSHSBSJJSJSSJ MY TWO QUEENS

'And where is my Summoner?' my little Darklina heart ouchie I really wish you hadn't used and manipulated her like this Alek it was incredibly fucked up especially considering you actually caught feelings

'Ivan and I won't fail you' oh Fedyor my baby, my angel, you don't deserve what is coming

Helnik literally recreating Titanic lmao stop this is a joke

I too would jump off the raft if I came to consciousness to see a gorgeous woman with magical powers with her hand on my back

omg but why is ryevost so pretty though

'I know exactly how she felt. The King's soldiers treated me the same way... I'm not myself today.' why must you do this to me, why must you fuel my darklina soulmates agenda idiocy

I don't quite think I have a problem with the Zoya Darkling relationship as much as I have a problem with the line they chose to reveal it to use with.

my drink's over and I don't know if I should have another, considering that it's 7 am

the tenderness with which he looks at Zoya and takes her hand and then when he says 'I shall relax when I have Alina' makes me believe more that the man that is reduced to tears time and again in front of Alina could in fact be the master manipulator I know him to be

god I can't wait for Zoya's character arc

'I speak six languages, it's part of my job' why is Nina literally the fucking coolest

Alina blinding the oprichniki was so hot, I can't wait to see more of her power and her ruthlessness

I know I've said it before but good god is Jessie Mei Li gorgeous

HER LITTLE SMILE AMONGST ALL THE PANIC AS SOON AS SHE SEES MAL, THE AUDACITY OF THIS SHOW TO MAKE ME FEEL THIS WAY

THE SCORE COMING IN AT THE RIGHT MOMENT, THEIR HANDS MEETING, HER SMILE AGAIN DHDHSBSNSNSNSNAN IM IN PAIN

REALLY?! YOU'RE GONNA GO DIRECTLY FROM MALINA TO HELNIK WITH NO CONCERN FOR MY HEART?

I simply cannot get over Calahan's accent lmao it's really funny

'im not afraid of you' he says to the insanely gorgeous girl with magic

HIM HANGING HIS HEAD IN DEFEAT TO INDICATE NINA HAS MADE VALID POINTS YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND I CAN'T BREATHE

'You're just a man. Like all the others.' she says and then forgets her train of thought looking at him as he strips. god I love this

not sleeping all night and then scotch is not a good idea, I think

'I promise not to ravish you' 'I hate the way you talk' her hand on his chest, his hand gripping hers, my fucking heart feels like it's about to explode

good god these shooting locations and sets are so beautiful

Alina throwing the flask at Mal and Mal going 'OI!' I fucking can't, I guess I am a

simp for childhood friends to lovers, give me more of that banter and childhood friend energy, I am thriving

wow it literally seems like they took book! Mal sl*tshaming book! Alina and made show! Alina sl*tshame show! Mal, hmm, interesting

'They would have split us up!' MAL'S LITTLE SMILE AT THIS, and the 'You wrote me letters?' Mal's nod, the Malina yearning stare, the Malina hug, 'thank you for finding me' 'always. I'll always find you.' NO MALINA YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND YOU HAVE MADE ME ABSOLUTELY FUCKING FERAL

I understand they had to split time between my ravkan babies and the crows and that is why there were several aspects that were sort of not reflected on enough but Alina's training at the Little Palace, Alina's cut, Mal's personality, a teensy bit of backstory for the crows, maybe one lockpicking scene from my boy Kaz

random note: we have far too many idols and paintings and pictures and whatnot of Hindu deities in our house apart from the specially designed temple (we are Hindus, so maybe it's not that weird but it's a little weird)

Kaz's cane is a literal star, it's so beautiful my heart wants to explode

'Why would Heleen get the Crow Club?' *literally fucking gets up and walks aways instead of answering the fucking question* I LITERALLY CAN'T BREATHE I'M LOSING MY MIND

'I know that voice' WHO GAVE YOU THE RIGHT TO MAKE ME FIGHT FOR PLATONIC SHIPS IN FANDOMS

'We won't starve' omg get you someone who packs food for you when you go on the run together hiding from your ex who wants to capture you and use your powers as a weapon against your consent

Mal looking surprised at her summoning sunlight, Alina looking cautiously at him waiting for him to disapprove or run for the hills in fear or smth like that, 'I'm sorry it took me this long to see you... But I see you now' my dumb little shipper trash heart ouch

they really said we're gonna feed you this part asian couple as the protagonists in this show in 2021 and guess what I'm eating it's really tasty I'm very satisfied as a south asian

NINA'S LITTLE SMILE WHEN MATTHIAS WAKES UP WITH HIS ARM AROUND HER

'I can feel how much you hate sleeping next to me' 👀👀👀 BITCH SAID IMMA SPILL THE TEA AND THEN SHE DID

it's 8 am and guess what I'm getting another drink my parents have c*vid and are in govt qu*r*ntine centres there is nobody to supervise or stop me

I too say 'Why do you have to say things like that?' to my pretty crush when she flirts with me

Nina smiling at Matthias bragging about his conservative ways is my aesthetic

'No, it's not natural for someone to be as stupid as he is tall and yet, oh, there you stand.' MY FUCKING QUEEN

Matthias laughing uncontrollably at Nina saying something which isn't even that funny is a whole ass vibe

Kaz Brekker saying 'The Black General' ooh fuck yeah

YESSSS STEP OUT OF THAT CARRIAGE ALL SEXY BLACK GENERAL

isn't alcohol supposed to like kill germs? well, the amount in my system definitely will

I love my crows so much (always but this time particularly for setting that alarm in the stolen carriage)

ooh Polina recognising Inej by the knife yesss let's go writers

this Ivan Jesper showdown is all I needed from life and yet did not know about

Ivan taking off his cloak was, um, sexier than I wanted it to be

I just realised how thirsty I am going to sound in this post

'Has no one told you that keftas are Fabrikator-made and resistant to bullets, hmm?' 'Oh, I do love a challenge' LITERALLY EVERYTHING

im sorry to be pointing out flaws in a perfect show and adaptation but the line delivery on 'You robbed me of my brother, now I'll rob you of your life' from Polina was kind of weak

'You're a-' *gets knocked out with the back of a gun* LMAO we love the hints

got excited at the prospect of kaz v. zoya until I realised they will not be letting the opportunity of kaz v. darkling pass up

my goodness is Amita Suman a splendid actress

I AM NOT KIDDING WHEN I TELL YOU I SQUEALED WHEN I SAW DARKLES EMERGE OUT OF THE SHADOWS IN FRONT OF MY BABY BOY KAZ

THERE BEING ACTUAL FEAR OR ATLEAST DOUBT ON KAZ'S FACE, THE LITTLE BACK STEPS AS

THE DARKLING WALKS TOWARDS HIM, AAAAH I CAN'T

THE DARKLING STOPPING AT KAZ SAYING 'SHE FLED ON HER OWN' AND THE HINT OF TEARS THAT WE SEE IN HIS EYES

'IT WAS PRETTY CLEAR SHE WASN'T INTERESTED IN BEING A CAPTIVE ANYMORE' YOU TELL HIM, KING

*ACTUAL FUCKING TEARS IN THE DARKLING'S EYES AS THE SHADOWS APPROACH*

NOT ME YOWLING LIKE A HYENA THAT THIS CHILD OUTSMARTED THE MOST POWERFUL MAN IN EXISTENCE WITH A FAKE MAGIC TRICK

'Are you sure you added enough cloves?' literally warranting a wide ass smile from my queen Alina making my entire fucking day

for some reason, no matter how much I push it from my mind, Ben Barnes dressed up as the Darkling, dancing to 'push it' keeps coming to mind, it's absolutely ridiculous

I got somehow distracted with interviews but good things came out of that as it gave my body the time for the booze to kick in

and I would just like to say that I love Leigh for all she has given me

Alina is so fucking compassionate, I have no much love for her. I can feel her guilt and her sorrow as Mal talks of Mikhail and Dubrov

don't particularly like how the stag plotline is woven in, could have been executed better

'You're afraid you might start to like me?' *flaps furs like a bird's wings in frustration*

'I DO like you' my fucking heart you idiots

the sexual tension is so palpable and the moment is so intimate I simply cannot

OMG SHE FUCKING FELL

that moment where you think he might let her fall despite having read the books and he doesn't and he tells her his name I- <3

YOU DARE TRANSITION FROM A HELNIK SCENE TO A KANEJ SCENE YOU REALLY HAVE NO MERCY FOR MY HEART HUH

people have talked about this endlessly but Freddie's little jaw tic after he says Inej because Inej is wounded and he can't physically bring himself to help her I fucking cannot

THE MUSIC PICKING UP AS KAZ LOOKS TO THE DARKLING'S CARRIAGE I CAN'T WITH THIS SHOW ANYMORE

and now for one of my favorite scenes in television and cinematic history, David Kostyk throwing a book at Jesper Fahey without even knowing who he is merely because he opens the door of his carriage and says hello to him before getting knocked out by Kaz Brekker while trying to run away

Immediately followed by another, the scene with David Kostyk raising his finger to put forward his point in front of the Darkling and the Darkling trying to let him know he doesn't have to before obliging is one of my favourite scenes in the world

also sir please stop being devastatingly attractive in your glorious appearance with your face and your black kefta and cloak because all that comes to mind is Ayesha Erotica's Emo Boy and I'm afraid that is terribly inappropriate.

'No, you look great.' *literally looks down from embarrassment or blushing* MALINA RIGHTS?

THE LOOK ON THE DARKLING'S FACE BEFORE HE SAYS 'NO ORDINARY TRACKER, NO ORDINARY GIRL' BITCH IM OUT OF BREATH

'ORPHANS OF KERAMZIN, REUNITED.' 'ADORABLE.' HE FUCKING SNEERED IRL I FUCKING CANNOT

GOD IT'S SO GOOD

#shadow and bone #grishaverse #netflix shadow and bone #six of crows #sab #soc #grishaverse spoilers #shadow and bone spoilers #netflix shadow and bone spoilers #six of crows spoilers #sab spoilers #soc spoilers #alina starkov #jessie mei li #malyen oretsev #archie renaux #malina #ivan #simon sears #arken visser #nina zenik #danielle galligan #jesper fahey #jesper llewellyn fahey #kit young #crows #netflix #inej ghafa #amita suman #the darkling

[chusui00]

Not Meant to Be

Word Count: 1,404

Pairing(s): Anthony Bridgerton x reader, Simon Basset x reader

Summary: You are obsessed with the Duke of Hastings and become jealous of the fact that he chose to marry Daphne rather than you. If you couldn’t have him, then you were going to do everything it takes to make sure that no one else can before you take your place as his wife.

TW: none

Part 1/6

⋘ ──── ∗ ⋅◈⋅ ∗ ──── ⋙

In the end, he chose to marry her. After all we had been through together, she placed herself in our midst and seduced him for her own advantages. It just wasn’t fair! Even when I had tried to warn Simon, he told me that I was being utterly paranoid!

The people who claimed to care about me would say that I shouldn’t be so hostile towards Daphne, and that I should happy that Simon was happy.

They couldn’t see the distress hidden in his eyes that shone with faux adoration of his erroneous bride to-be. I was supposed to stand by his side. We were supposed to be engaged then live in his grand country estate with just the two of us.

Whether or not we had children was up to fate and not out our selfish desires. Yes, I knew of Simon’s sworn secrecy of his bloodline dying with him, but I felt a small ounce of pity for the Bridgerton girl.

I, too, was capable of providing what he needed. I, too, could have a lifetime with him and not worry about trivial affairs. But I still hadn’t the faintest idea as to why he was the one who suggested to begin their elaborate ruse.

Once I had confronted him, I could believe the words that left his mouth. “Y/n, you don’t understand. The two of us are helping each other to fulfill our achievements. You need not to worry. You and I will be together again like old times.”

Oh, how foolish I was to hold his promise in the highest regard. It tore my heart to pieces the night Simon got down on one knee to propose to Daphne in front of her entire family. I slipped away from the celebrations, and found myself standing in front of a lake. It was dark for as far as I could see, but the moonlight’s reflection on the water showed how lonely I felt at the time.

With no recollection of how I had gotten there or how to find my way back, I sat down on the ground and curled up my legs to my chest. Why couldn’t I have been the one he loved? Daphne was beautiful and kind, yes, but she did not belong with Simon.

A tear then another and another began to fall down the sides of my face. I began to sob and whisper the words, “It’s not fair. It’s not fair. It’s not fair!” I had lost track of time, and then the sun slowly peeked over the horizon, which meant that I’ve been gone for several hours.

That was when I heard my name being called by several voices, and Simon’s was the most distinct out of them all. Some time later on, I vaguely remember being scolded by mama and papa because I made Simon, and everyone else searching for me, worried beyond relief.

They reprimanded me for wasting his time when he should have been preparing for the wedding that was taking place in three day’s time. The opportunity to confess my love for him was getting further and further away from my grasp.

There wasn’t much room for me to argue it defend myself when they were both right. What they said next swept away the last few remaining pieces of my already shattered heart. “Why can’t you be like Miss Bridgerton and put aside your problems, y/n?”

Miss Bridgerton this. Miss Bridgerton that. Everything revolves around that wench, and I hated every moment of it. Yet there was nothing I could’ve done to change the course of events.

Simon was to be married to a young woman whose skin was fair and void of blemishes, her hair kissed by the sun and voice as sweet as sugar. A young woman who wasn’t me.

It just wasn’t right. She was too much of one characteristic as though she ended up being all of the perfect qualities that a man was looking for. Speaking of personality traits, from the youngest Bridgerton to the eldest, they were all too good to be true. It was no wonder why I grew jealous of Daphne.

Although, I was not going to admit it out loud. I would be ridiculed and teased for my biased opinion of her. She’d knew how to play the piano, how to crochet simple yet intricate patterns, and her mannerisms were to be rivaled.

Now was a better time than ever to ruin her happiness. She didn’t deserve to have Simon if I had lost him first. She didn’t know what she was getting herself into or the real reason why Simon refused to have children.

I invited her to my home for tea and a brief lunch, which my mama gave me appraisal for attempting to make amends with the eldest Bridgerton daughter. Little did they both know that I had plans to break her down bit by bit.

Eventually I transitioned the topic about our families to her fiancé, and her eyes lit up with delight. Well, that wasn’t going to last for long. “Miss Bridgerton, how has Simon been treating you as of late? Fairly, I hope?” The question stopped Daphne whilst she sipped her cup of tea, and she cleared her throat before she spoke.

“Yes, the Duke had sent me bouquets of flowers and scheduled a dress fitting at the modiste later today. He is a very generous man.” She smiled softly, and I forced one of my own. “How lovely! You must be enjoying the gifts, I take it. Your family is quite fond of him, too.”

Except for Anthony, that is. Like me, he had done all that he could to stop Simon from marrying his sister. Then after some odd occurrence, he was suddenly the first to congratulate their engagement. It baffled me, but I knew asking him questions would only raise suspicions.

“‘Tis a shame that you won’t have any children, though. Simon swore to have his bloodline die with him, and his father died moments later.” Daphne’s smile fell apart, and she furrowed her brows in confusion. I raised my cup to my lips then took a long sip, quietly waiting for her reaction.

“How do you—” “Daphne, Simon tells me everything. I’ve known him far much longer than you’ve spent time with him, and he hasn’t shared an actual piece of himself when the two of you are together. He’s marrying you to placate the queen’s disappointment as well as the ton’s need for a perfect couple of the season.”

She went silent after I said what I have wanted to let out, and she looked like she was trying not to cry. The poor thing took in a deep breath then folded her hands on top of her lap. “Well, Miss Denbow, I cannot say I’m not surprised. You are a good friend of the Duke’s, and therefore you do know him better than anyone.”

I scoffed in disbelief and at the audacity of being called Simon’s “good friend.” I was more than just a measly role of comforting someone in their most vulnerable state; I should’ve been the one engaged to him.

“I never had the chance to give my best to you for the engagement, so I’ll say it now before you leave. Congratulations, Miss Bridgerton, and I hope you live a wonderful life as the Duchess of Hastings.” Silence and rapidly beating hearts. “Th-Thank you, Miss Denbow for the tea, and have a good day.”

After our pleasant conversation, I walked her out of the parlor and to the door. We said our goodbyes as the light in her eyes become clouded with betrayal and disillusion. “I must say, y/n. Job well done.” I chuckled and patted myself on the shoulder once I’ve closed the door then headed up to my bedroom.

Only time will tell when the relationship between her and Simon begins to tear at the seams, then I will be the one to take my rightful place at his side. He’ll realize that Daphne wasn’t meant to be his bride, and he’ll finally love me just as much as I love him.

It felt good to break the rules fate had set for us, and I would do it again to get what I want. Nothing was going to stand in my way of marrying Simon.

Everyone was going to accept it whether they agreed with me or not.

#bridgerton imagine #simon basset #duke of hastings #bridgerton #reader x simon basset

[im-a-meteorite]

i’ve been marathoning the harry potter movies since im in quarantine and i’ve been taking some notes. i’ll post them all bc why not 

sorcerer’s stone

harry knowing that there’s no post on sunday,, a genius

hedwig’s theme playing when harry looks out of the window and sees an owl flying by, very nice

hagrid doing magic at the house on the rock thing,, wouldnt the ministry be able to track that?? since there’s no wizard that lives there, they should be alerted?? or did they remove the trace from hagrid once he got expelled?? like does it work by the trace only or? bc if it doesn’t work by location then how would they know that a muggle witnessed the magic?? idk anymore

the kids staring at the nimbus 2000 and saying its the fastest model yet,, then the camera zooming on the handle w/ the background blurred -> the most straight forward foreshadowing

hagrid is actually the worst person to take harry on his tour situation,, like bro literally left him in the middle of a train station

the weasleys and harry going to the platform while theres a shit ton of ppl walking around,,, statute of secrecy where??

the great hall is on the first floor?? i thought it was on the ground floor

ew the hats

i wish the movies had dumbledore’s weird few words speeches

“theres not one witch or wizard that went bad that wasnt in slytherin” broooo

mcgonagall is so savage i love her

snape is an asshole

a crap ton of chessboards in the great hall study hall scene,, foreshadowing the challenges?

madam hooch really yeeted herself out of neville’s way

✨🥰 oliver wood 🥰✨✨

harry really wiped the troll buggers on his robe,, disgusting

snapes hair is lowkey on fleek tho,,

making most of the slytherins ugly bc they’re the “evil” house is just a disservice to all the inbreeding

hermione setting snape on fire is truly iconic and very extra tbh like sis why tf would u know a spell like that

seasonal transition wasnt that great tbh

overall the directing style is kinda basic

“not in the restricted section,,” rule breaking hermione is the best hermione

dumbledore’s handwriting is so extra and loopy like tf?? but it fits his character

the hedwig flying season transition was good

“immortal?” “it means you’ll never die.” “i know what it means!”

50 points each for being out of bed??? wtf is this point system

filtch saying there’s werewolves in the forbidden forest,,, thats illegal sir

hagrid calling the trio by their first names but draco by his last,, we love favoritism

harry’s thoughts r so ridiculous,, “snape doesnt want the stone for himself, he wants it for voldemort!” lmaoo wtf,, evidence pls sir,, u don’t even know he was a death eater. was it the bad vibes?? bc same

harry figuring out that the person who gave hagrid the dragon egg is voldy,, a genius

“kill us faster?? now i can relax!!” ron is so iconic i love him

“lucky we didnt panic!” “lucky hermione pays attention in herbology”

how is it that harry’s hand burned quirrel but not the skin on harry’s neck?? that shit makes no sense

yeah i really cant imagine this dumbledore fighting voldy in movie 5

hermione’s headband in the reunion scene is so cute i love it

chamber of secrets:

how is dobby even allowed to just jump on the bed?? like is it bc harry isnt his master that he can do smth like that

“dobby has heard about harry potter’s kindness” or whatever,, bro u work for the malfoys either the elves gossip or draco is waxing poetry about harry

aunt petunia saying “we have ice-cream” after that whole affair is just ridiculous

DIAGONALLY

this seems like the extended version bc i dont remember the borgin and bruks scene to be that long

the close ups with lucius and ginny’s books r insane lmao like chris columbus made it so obvious

also mr weasley’s acting is so funny like its so exaggerated

lucius malfoy is so dramatic and extra we love it

also lucius knowing hermione’s name and “draco’s told me all about you”??? bro whats with draco?? lmaoo

snape really got mad with the whole car business

mandrakes r fucking weird bro how did jkr come up with that

PERCY WALKING WITH PENELOPE CLEARWATER??? HOW DID I MISS THAT??

omg colin had so many lines?? wow

omg erol with the fucking howler,, iconic

ron’s facial expressions?? pure comedy, rupret is so good

LOCKHEART REALLY SAID “GOOD GIRL” THEN WINKED AT HERMIONE

“pesky piksy pescinomy” this bitch dumb

“why is it always me?” poor neville

omfg ✨🥰 oliver wood 🥰✨

ahh using the seeker position for fighting

ew draco used the m-word

the shit the basilisk is saying is so lame lmaoo

how does harry not recognize that he’s hearing a different language?? or does parsaltongue act weird

HOW IS THE WHOLE SCHOOL IN THE SAME CORRIDOR???

“i know the counter-curse that could’ve spared her” bitch the dirty looks he got?? omfg

the movies would’ve been 500% better if they had lee jordan’s iconic quidditch commentary

“scarhead” “TRAINING FOR THE BALLET, POTTER?”

“what did you expect?? pumpkin juice??” madam pomfery is a queen

dobby is dumb dumb

“who am i, hedwig? what am i?”

“reading? i didnt know you could read?”

“look at my face” “look at your tail!”

“you can’t cancel quidditch!”

“oh harry, if you die down there, you’re welcome to share my toilet”

lockheart: do you live here? ron: no *smacks him in the head with a rock*

“voldemort is my past, present and future” are all slytherins this dramatic??

the tension between hermione and ron in the last feast was insane

justin filtch fletchy is so ugly im so sorry i cant

prisoner of azkaban:

im sorry but harry doing underage illegal magic pisses me off every time

aunt marge 🤢

“do they use a cane boy?” “oh yeah, i’ve been beaten loads of times”

that whole scene is so chaotic

“you cant do magic outside of school!” “oh yeah? try me”

sirius really dumb for barking at harry like it makes no sense

the knight bus is probably one of the best things in this movie

“whatcha doing down there??” “i fell over” “whacha fell over for?” “i didnt do it on purpose!” “well come on then, lets not wait for the grass to grow”

harry leans over and looks for the grim, stan: “whatcha looking at?”

“yeah take it away ernie,, its gonna be a bumpy ride”

this whole thing is written and directed so perfectly

i hate how they replaced tom bc it really made no sense

all the bits of magic in the leaky caldron is so genius

fudge reminds me of trump but like dumber

the blue lighting and coloring is just great, it fits the colder vibe of the story (not like HBP with the hazy/blurry effect)

ugh the glass and mirror transitions are one of my favorite things,, alfonso curon really did that 

i love the weasleys,, also everyone looks great in this movie

omg the scene with arthur talking to harry about sirius with the sirius poster always being in sight?? amazing

contrast of light and darkness just echos the whole dementor vs patronus situation

i dont even understand why remus took the train other than for the nostalgia

the lights slowly turning off in the different carriages?? amazing

the visual representation of the dementors’ effect is great

REMUS!!!

i wish there was more emotion from remus when he’s talking about sirius,, like that was one of his only friends

snape clapping literally twice for remus,, ajhshsh

ahh the placement of the slytherin and gryffindor tables right beside each other to increase the tension and further the plot

oh yea the new dumbledore, also cool hat he has

omg the new fat lady painting

omg the candy scene?? so cute i love lads being lads. that scene just echo’s dumbledore’s light in the dark quote bc its storming outside at night and they’re creating a happy environment within the dark especially with the dementors

ah yes the clock references + following the bird to show us important parts of hogwarts and putting the whomping willow in the forefront

ron’s reading of harry’s tea leaves,, still on point tho. ron really has a knack for divination

buckbeak! omg drapple

draco is so hot especially with that ring also the slytherin pins??

“oh yeah, terribly funny, really witty. god, this place has gone to the dogs”

the kids look so messy i love it + harry’s uneven tie

HERMIONE CLINGING TO RONS ARM!!

“its killed me! your gonna regret this, you and your bloody chicken”

omg the boggart lesson

“riddikulus!” “this class is ridiculous”

fuck snape!

draco really pushed someone with his bandaged arm

remus is such an amazing professor i love him and i just miss him so much

ugh harry in this hoodie?? amazing

remus and harry’s conversation with the music :(( lily :((

wtf is that eye painting??

percy screaming about being head boy,, bro stfu

sirius is such a dramatic little bitch i love it

seasonal changes marked by the wimping willow

“turn to page 394”

what a fucking rude ass bitch,, i hate snape

harry really be seeing the grim everywhere

i wish they had “wheres wood?” “trying to drown himself in the shower”

winter transition with hedwig! + clock tower

“come and join the big boys”

i just adore this scene of the twins giving harry the map (bro i really want a series about the marauders)

whos that skinny bitch with draco???

harry’s way too rash tbh

also mcgonagall being also too nonchalant about the whole marauder’s situation?? like those werent your students

remus is a soft boy dark academia icon

if only dumbledore wasnt a dumbass,, remus could have been uncle moony raising harry with sirius

ron’s nightmare scene?? iconic

“my dad didnt strut. nor do i” umm james potter was also a drama queen sooo probably strutting

“you, YOU FOUL LOATHSOME EVIL LITTLE COCKROACH” “hermione no, he’s not worth it”

sirius’ dog form really looks like a rabid dog omfg

the part where hermione grabs harry while she’s on the wimping willow omfg

“only one will die tonight” YOU DRAMATIC BITCH UR NOT MAKING THIS BETTER

“finally the flesh reflects the madness within” “well you’d know all about the madness within, wouldn’t you remus?”

why the fuck is the shreaking shack is swaying in the wind??

QUARRELING LIKE AN OLD MARRIED COUPLE

why the fuck didnt they knock peter out?? like tf?? they’re actually dumb dumb there were so many ways for this to go right

this man really sent 2 13-year-olds on this dumbass mission

buckbeak really beat up remus,, “professor lupin’s having a really tough night”

harry’s a fucking psycho with this patronus bullshit,, i cant

can they stop screaming while flying on buckbeak?? someone might hear them

im still mad sirius didnt get his name cleared,, so much would’ve changed

“we did it” “did what? goodnight” i fucking hate dumbledore and his mindlessness omfg sometimes i wanna punch him in the face

fuck snape for outing remus as a werewolf,,, but also he really didnt have to resign. like istg wheres the marauder energy when it comes to defying everyone??

i wish the movies had went into the marauders’ history :(( its one of my favorite aspects of the series

#harry potter #harry potter movies #philosopher's stone #chamber of secrets #prisoner of azkaban #hermione granger #ronald weasley #remus lupin #sirius black #severus snape #albus dumbledore #minerva mcgonagall #movie marathon #notes #harry potter notes

[stahlop]

Romancing the Throne

@mariakov81 this is a late birthday present for you. I hope you enjoy it.

Thank you @profdanglaisstuff for being my beta!

This also fits my Trope Card Challenge for Star-Crossed Lovers

On Ao3

Summary: Princess Emma has run off with the notorious Captain Killian Jones, who also happens to be the brother of her father's deceased best friend.

Dearest Mother and Father,

I’m sure you are beside yourself at the thought that I may have been taken or kidnapped, but let me put your fears at rest. I am fine and have left of my own accord. I have fallen in love, and I’m sorry to have to break it to you this way, through a letter, but I wasn’t sure how else to do it. Especially, because I know, Father, that you will not be happy with my choice. I have listened to you and mother tell me your love story so many times and it is something I have always dreamed of. Unfortunately, simpering princes and other highly esteemed men who only have the crown on their mind just don’t make for a great love story. I deserve better than that. I deserve a man who sees me for me and not as a chess piece.

So, with that said, if you want to send a bird to contact me, I am aboard the Jolly Roger with Captain Killian Jones. I know what you’re thinking, that a pirate could never love a princess for more than her wealth. That I’m just being naive in what Killian really wants from me. But I’m not. He loves me and I love him and we want to be together. I’m sorry that I had to run away to prove it, but it was the only thing I could think of to do, what with you about to announce a betrothal to Count Baelfire without even consulting me (yes, I knew about that).

I love you both and I hope you can be happy for me having found my true love.

Love,

Your Daughter Emma

“What the hell is this?” King David bellows holding up the letter his wife handed him that morning along with some pastries for breakfast. They were enjoying a lazy day; dining in the lounge area of their suite instead of the formal dining room, when Snow dropped the letter in his lap.

“It seems our daughter,” Snow says, taking a bite of a delicious almond poppy danish, “has run off with the man she loves.” She says as though this was just an ordinary, everyday occurrence, that their daughter, the heir to the throne, would just run off with a pirate.

David stares at his wife, her black hair down around her shoulders; not a single strand of gray runs through it yet, unlike at his own temples. It almost reaches the bottom of her breasts. As the queen, she usually wears it up. It was only in these private moments at the beginning and the end of the day that he gets to see the woman he fell in love with all those years ago. She takes another bite of her breakfast, her red lips smiling slightly as they close over the sticky poppy seed paste in the pastry.

“What do you know?” David demands. Snow rolls her eyes. She knows how her husband gets when surprised by information, especially when that information is about his beloved daughter. “How did Emma end up with Liam’s brother?” His eyes reflect the hurt he still feels over Liam’s untimely, and unnecessary, death.

David and Liam were friends before he and Snow met. Before Killian was even born. David’s mother, Ruth, often traded lamb and mutton for fish with Liam’s father, Brennan. When Liam’s mother died while giving birth to Killian, Ruth took the boys in for a while until Brennan could get back on his feet. Having been an only child for his first 14 years (not knowing about his twin brother, James, until a few years later), having an eight-year-old and a newborn underfoot was quite a transition. But they made it work. When Brennan finally settled down in their village, having finally given himself time to grieve for his late wife,  David and Liam were thick as thieves, despite their six year age difference.

It was only two years later, at the age of 19, that David was contacted by King George to pretend to be James, who had died tragically, and David was set on his path to meet Snow and eventually become king.

After they stopped Snow’s evil stepmother from trying to take over the kingdom (the woman was convinced that Snow had ruined her life by scaring off her true love and had actually made her eat an apple laced with a sleeping potion; luckily, he and Snow shared True Love, and his kiss defeated not only the sleeping curse, but stripped her stepmother of all powers she had required, don’t ask him how that worked), David went to Brennan to invite his family to come live at their castle. Brennan was grateful and Liam and Killian were ecstatic, though, Brennan refused to accept ‘charity’ and left to continue selling fish and other seaside wares, while David had the boys tutored now that they were fifteen and seven. And while they missed their father, they knew they were being given the opportunity of a lifetime.

Meanwhile, Snow had fallen pregnant quickly after their official nuptials, and the next few years were focused on raising his daughter and getting the kingdoms back in order (they absorbed King George’s kingdom into Snow’s once they were married and George died).

Liam and Killian relished their lessons, they took up sword fighting, learned to ride horses, and Snow even insisted on making sure they could dance properly for the balls that she threw. At the first dance she was allowed to attend, five-year-old Emma made thirteen-year-old Killian dance with her, Liam and David laughing the whole time at Killian’s ears turning bright red.

Once they were old enough, they joined the kingdom’s navy. David had never been a prouder king and friend than when he finally got to promote Liam to Captain and Killian to Lieutenant. And he never thought lending out his two top officers to a neighboring kingdom for an exchange program meant to foster unity would result in the tragic loss of Liam’s life.

Killian came and told him himself. David barely recognized him. He looked much older than his 20 years, which was ridiculous because when he’d seen him right before they’d left on the mission he’d thought he’d looked so young still. Now there was a hardened man in front of him, grieving over his brother. The king had sent them on, what was supposed to be, a very simple mission to retrieve a supposed healing plant. Except the Dreamshade was actually a poison, and it killed Liam. With tears in his eyes, Killian continued to tell David how he had turned pirate in retaliation, and while he would never attack any ships in the kingdom he had once called home, he couldn’t guarantee safety for any other kingdom, especially the one that killed his brother. And while he knew becoming a pirate made him a wanted man, would David find it in his heart to look the other way as he went after the king of that neighboring kingdom?

While he didn’t agree to his plan to kill the king, David didn’t disagree with him either. And between Snow’s perfectly placed pieces of gossip and Captain Killian Jones’ attacks from the newly christened Jolly Roger the king was ousted and then mysteriously disappeared. Killian sometimes came by the castle to see David and have some connection to Liam again. Eventually, Captain Killian Jones' reputation became too great for King David to associate with, and it was with great sadness that they had to part ways. But Killian was still too angry to do something as respectable as working for a kingdom, and David couldn’t cavort with a pirate, regardless of their history.

And now, here he was with a letter in his hand stating that his daughter had apparently been cavorting with a pirate right underneath his nose.

“Explain!” David demands. Snow huffs and drops the pastry onto her plate and thoroughly wipes her hands on the napkin placed in her lap.

“They met two years ago, at Emma’s 18th birthday ball.” Snow says matter-of-factly.

“Two years ago?” David sputters. How can his daughter and his best friend’s brother have been together for two years and he not know about it?

“It was the Masquerade Ball. It was the perfect way for him to come in disguise without anyone recognizing him. And apparently it worked, because you didn’t even know he was there,” Snow says chuckling a little at this. David is not amused.

“Why was he at the ball in the first place?” David says, exasperated at the way Snow is dragging out this story.

“I invited him, of course.” She takes a sip of her tea as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. David stares at her as she sets her tea cup down and starts smoothing her night garment down under her robes.

“What is happening here?” he yells. “Snow, I need you to explain why my daughter, the princess, heir to the throne, has run off with the most feared pirate, Captain Killian Jones, and why you willingly invited him to a ball? How did you even contact him?” David thinks he now knows what going crazy must feel like. He thought Emma fleeing in the night with a pirate was bad enough, but Snow is in on this as well?

Snow gives a little huff as she pushes away from the breakfast table. She walks into her dressing room and sits at her vanity and starts to brush out her hair.

“Snow!” David says, incensed, and stomps in to join her.

Snow turns to him, brush in hand, “David!” she says in the exact same tone. He holds her gaze until she finally breaks. David knows Snow can’t keep a secret, although it seems she’s been holding onto this one for quite some time.

“Fine.” Snow huffs again and turns back toward the mirrored glass refusing to look directly at David, but does meet his eyes through the mirror. “I invited him because I knew you missed him, and Liam. I thought you could use your friend again. He keeps port in Arendelle during the colder months, according to Elsa, so I sent a bird with the invite, and he happened to be there. That’s why I wanted it to be a masquerade ball, so he could come in undetected and you two could resume your friendship. And also, because I’d heard through the grapevine that he hadn’t really ‘pirated’ in awhile.”

“But I never saw him.” David says, stating the obvious.

“No, he ran into Emma instead. Do you really not remember her dancing with the same man almost the entire ball? I even commented on it once or twice.” David tries to remember the ball. Snow throws many balls throughout the year and they tend to all blend together. But he does remember how beautiful Emma looked in her red ball gown, her hair up in a loose bun, and a tiara topping it all off. She’d not been happy about the tiara, she was very much his daughter, always wanting to sword fight and horseback ride as opposed to learning how to host dinner parties and plan balls with her mother. He vaguely recalls wondering who the stranger she was dancing with was, and thinking he looked familiar (but impossible to tell with a mask on), before being whisked away by Lancelot about some problem at the gates.

“And what? They fell in love at first sight?” David asks, still not believing this whole situation has been happening right under his nose. Snow starts to giggle at that.

“Oh, no, once she found out that he was not only a pirate but the boy who had grown up in the castle when she was younger, she completely rebuffed him. She practically had a tantrum at the end of the ball, although, out in a secluded hall where they had privacy.” Snow says smiling and knowing what her husband is going to say next.

“She was in a secluded hall with him?” David says, raising his voice again.

“Don’t worry,” a voice says from behind him, “I could hear them the whole time. I can always hear them” David turns to see Red, Snow’s closest friend and confidante, also Emma’s godmother, and also a werewolf, who has excellent hearing even as a human. She’s also the only person in the castle who doesn’t get reprimanded for coming into their private chambers unannounced. She is already dressed for the day, her lips done up in bright red lipstick and her curled hair down. While Snow did honor her with the title of a Lady, Red has never acted nor dressed like one. “Do you really think Emma could have a secret romance without me knowing about it?” Red almost looks insulted.

“So, how did they go from Emma rebuffing him, to her running away with him?” Why it is taking Snow so long to get to the part of the story he’s most interested in is beyond David. She’s usually pretty direct, but now it seems she is trying to torture him. Maybe she is.

“He kissed her.” Red says, stretching out on the chaise. “That same night. She walked away saying it could never work, they were too different, blah, blah, blah, and he went after her and kissed her. And it must have been one hell of a kiss, because he came back two weeks later, and then two weeks after that, and so forth.” Red’s smile was a devious one.

“Wait. You mean to tell me Killian has been sneaking into the castle for two years, and no one thought to tell me?” David is at the end of his rope. “I need to sit down.” He collapses onto the other end of the chaise.

“Well, look how you’re reacting David.” Snow admonishes him. “And then you went about trying to find her a husband. I mean, Baelfire, really? Do you know your daughter at all?”

David thought he had. She’d been attached to his hip from the beginning. Always calming much more easily for him than for Snow. He knew Baelfire wasn’t the best, but she’d shown no interest in any prince or nobleman since she’d become of marriageable age. Of course, now he knew why.

“You went along with the Baelfire thing!” David says to Snow. Red has started getting her ready for the day, even though Snow has dressers to do that. She’s always preferred Red’s company over hired help, ever since Red had taken her in when Snow was on the run from her stepmother.

“I knew Emma would find out about it. I was trying to get her to come clean to us about Killian. I didn’t think she’d run away with him! Away from us!” Tears form at the corners of her eyes, and David goes over to comfort his half-dressed wife. He realizes that she is just as upset about this as he is, only she already knew Emma was in love. Even if Emma hadn’t told her, she already knew and all she had wanted was to have Emma painted into a corner enough to tell her parents the truth.

They stand there for a moment, David’s arms encircling his wife, memories of their younger days when they were living in the forest on the run, having adventures that they were not quite prepared for bubbling in his mind. Emma is older than he and Snow were when they met. She’s barely been off the castle grounds, even though she’s yearned for adventure since she could walk. How many times had they found her so high up in the trees that they could barely see her? How many times had she snuck out horses to go riding in the middle of the night? How many times had she expressed her sheer and utter boredom of living a life most would dream of? They sheltered her too much, David now realizes. They were so worried about giving her the life they’d been denied at one point, that they never thought about the life she wanted to live. And that had led her to a clandestine relationship with a pirate (albeit, old family friend) right under their (his) noses.

“You said that Killian originally came to the ball because he was tired of being a pirate?” David asks, remembering how he glossed over that snippet of information earlier.

Snow breaks their embrace to look at him. “Well, the name Killian Jones hasn’t been mentioned as much recently. I think he’s lost his taste for it.” She frowns slightly. “I’m almost positive he was going to ask you if he could work for you as a privateer.”

David frowns along with her. “So why didn’t he?” He wonders.

“Because of Emma.” Red says breaking up the private moment. “He knew she yearned for adventure, and keeping up the pirate persona was exactly what Emma wanted from him, despite his reluctance to keep it up. Plus, once she asks you to forgive him for being a pirate and making him a privateer, then it all looks like she reformed him.”  Snow and David give Red a befuddled look, wondering how she knows all this. She laughs. “Just because Emma didn’t confide in you two doesn’t mean she didn’t confide in someone. She knew Killian sneaking in wouldn’t get past my hearing.” Red shrugs.

“Fine!” David says, throwing his hands up as if he’s just been bested. “Snow, send a bird!”

Our Dearest Emma,

Despite what you may believe, your father and I are thrilled that you have found love. We are only sorry that you felt the need to run away with your pirate captain instead of coming to us about it.  We really hope that you will come home so we can discuss this as a family.

Love,

Your Parents

“They don’t seem mad, love” Killian says, kissing her on the temple. Sometimes he still can’t believe that this beauty by his side chose him. She is dressed in simple blue leather pants and vest over a plain white tunic. Her long blonde hair, which he’s only ever seen down (with the exception of the first night they met), is now up in a messy ponytail with braids throughout to keep the sea wind from making it a tangled mess. He blesses the gods every night that Queen Snow invited him to that ball.

“I don’t know.” Emma says. “This doesn’t seem too easy for you? I run away with a notorious pirate and they’re just okay with it?”

Killian tugs on her shoulder to face him, her eyes still lost in the short letter her parents sent. She is, understandably, confused. It’s adorable.

“You forget, my love, that I knew your father before I turned pirate. In fact, you’re the same age I was when Liam died and I went rogue. He knows I would never let any harm come to you.”

“Please don’t ever mention that you and my father used to be friends. It’s weird.” Emma makes a disgusted face and Killian laughs at her while leaning into her to softly kiss her lips.

“And,” he says slowly kissing along her jawbone, “you know I haven’t been ‘notorious’” (he growls that into her ear making her shiver) “since we met.” He pulls away from her. She stares at him, her face showing dissatisfaction at the fact that he stopped what he was doing. Killian gives her the most serious face he can muster when she’s looking so put out, and absentmindedly scratches the back of his neck. “You know I want to do right by you, Emma. This was the plan all along. Make your parents panic a little and then let them think they’ve worked out the solution for us to live happily ever after.”

Emma looks into his eyes, the ones she always compares to the blue of the ocean, the ones that she loves to stare into while they make love, and the ones she loves seeing first thing in the morning, usually before he would kiss her passionately on the lips and then sneak out before anyone in the castle knew anything was amiss. She worries her lower lip between her teeth, and slowly nods her head in agreement.

“Yes. You’re right, Killian. I…, I guess I just hoped we’d get a little more adventure before we had to go back and start palace life.” Killian smiles at her.

“Well, no one says we have to send a letter back to your parents right away. I think we could spare an extra two days before responding back, don’t you think?” Killian says, waggling his eyebrows.

“You think you’re all sexy when you do that, and I’ll just fall into your arms and do whatever you say, hmm?” Emma says getting face to face with him. Killian lifts just one eyebrow in response.

“Well, I prefer dashing rapscallion, but sexy works as well. And you do whatever I say because you love me, and you want to spend more time with me before heading home to your parents.” He smirks because he knows he’s right. Emma tries to make it seem like she’s going to disagree, but she can’t resist him for long. She grabs the lapels of his leather duster and pulls him in for a searing kiss before they head back down to his quarters to hammer out what they should write back to her parents, and other more enjoyable activities.

They arrive back at Misthaven a week later, and even though Emma has only been gone a total of two weeks, David notices how much older she seems. And how happy she looks. There is nothing in the realm that would make him want to take that smile from her face. David also sees a sense of calm and peace in Killian. Sure, Killian looks apprehensive when the Jolly Roger is met by the King and Queen themselves, but he relaxes immediately when David thrusts his hand out to shake Killian’s in acceptance. They have many details to work out, but in the end, David couldn’t have honored Liam’s memory more than to make Killian part of his family. Maybe someday David will tell them how at that first dance that five-year-old Emma attended, and thirteen-year-old Killian danced embarrassingly with her, that he and Liam joked about them marrying some day. It’s too bad Liam didn’t live to see the joke become a reality.

@profdanglaisstuff @thisonesatellite @mariakov81 @hollyethecurious @winterbaby89 @jennjenn615 @kmomof4​ @superchocovian​ @lfh1226-linda​ @ilovemesomekillianjones

#cs ff #cs fanfic #princess emma #pirate killian #david is clueless #snow knows everything #captain swan #captain swan ff

[ofcloudsandstars]

Celestial Forecast

Week 2-8

Sike! I am still going!! Take that PSD !

The aspects this week are really forcing us to look into our hearts. There is a handful of aspects being triggered by Venus and Uranus that will ask us to heal and bring positive change (along with some lunar transits triggering Ceres that will look at where we need to be nurtured) and this last leg of Mercury's retrograde leading up to the full moon at the end of the week will bring us to find out what we need to love and forgive in ourselves before we can absorb the retrograde lesson and move on.

Notes: this is london based so weeks are from Monday-Sunday and the time is set to UTC. 

2nd

🌓 First Quarter Moon in Gemini    ☽ Moon in Gemini trines Ceres in Aquarius ☽ Moon in Gemini Sextiles Chiron in Aries ☽ Moon in Gemini will Square Eros, the Sun and Neptune in Pisces

Energy: Today will feel vulnerable yet healing. With the moon waxing in Gemini it's a great day to open your mind and take in new information yet with mercury, the ruler of learning and the mind currently asleep this energy will feel inverted at best and could be used to learn about yourself and hidden emotional baggage that you may be clinging onto. With the moon making a harmonious sextile to Chiron and a powerful trine to Ceres, our deep wounds (and other wounds) will float to the surface yet we will have the opportunity to nurture ourselves and work through it. With Ceres in Aquarius the key will be to nurture ourselves by honoring our individuality and forgiving ourselves as well as accepting our uniqueness. With the square the moon will be consecutively forming with Eros, the Sun and Neptune throughout the day, these bruised points could potentially manifest in areas of sexual frustration, repressed anger or deceptions revealed. Especially with the sun square, these negative traits could be brought to light. It's a good day to do shadow work (I know I say that often but it's the retrograde along with these transits man..) and protect yourself from other's negative energy. Alternatively if you have had a foe that's been bothering you and pestering you for ages but unable to make others see that they are a gremlin all along, this is a good day to do a truth-revealed spell to expose their ass to everyone. The retrograde and these transits are about revealing secrets and ugly truths/emotions so if they are trying to be shady to you behind the scenes then you can expose the shade.  

Recommendations: self healing, meditation, shadow work, tarot reading, divination, truth revealed spell, self love magic

_______

3rd

Venus in Aries squares Saturn in Capricorn

☽ Moon in Gemini trines Juno rx Libra ☽ Moon in Gemini sextiles Venus in Aries ☽ VOC 2:19PM-4:25PM (until next day)

Energy: Today will feel extra fucking tender as Venus will make an uncomfortable square with Saturn in Capricorn which will make us feel a bit lonely and in need of a hug. Though this energy might manifest in people feeling isolated the tension of this aspect may push others to want to build a long lasting relationship with loved ones whether that may be friendship, romance or any other meaningful bond. To add to this the lovely emotional moon's transits will make a trine with Juno retrograding in Libra (classic) and a sextile with Venus in Aries. These two aspects will make it a little easier to reach out to others to let them know you would like a little bit of love and support today and most likely someone you care about may reach out to you first. It's easy with these transits to want to isolate yourself especially with mercury's retrograde but if you do practice some self love magic and working on your heart energy. Do not do any love attraction magic if you feel compelled to. The moon will be void of course for most of the evening so it's a time to rest and reflect. Instead take care of yourself or reach out to loved ones.

Recommendations: self love magic, preparing drinks with intention such as hot chocolate, hawthorn tea, matcha tea (these are all heart-opening), self-love bath magic, napping it off (why not?)

_______

4th

Mercury Retrograde Re-enters Aquarius Mercury in Aquarius sextiles Venus in Aries

☽ Moon enters Cancer (4:25PM) ☽ Moon trines Eros in Pisces ☽ Moon sextiles Uranus in Taurus ☽ Moon opposite Saturn and Pluto in Capricorn ☽ Moon squares Chiron in Aries

Energy:

Mercury will re-enter Aquarius today. Aquarius tends to be more detached from the emotional details and can see the bigger picture which this phase of the retrograde may ask you to do. This segment you may find the tides of the universe are seeking for you to rise above your individual problems to see the grander scale and change your perspective. This re-entry will make mercury sextile Venus in Aries which will make you re-evalue the harmony within your relationships and how you express love and affection. This may be an awkward day to try to charm someone or express affection depending on how the retrograde may affect you (unless you are 100% honest and unfiltered about your feelings but even that could backfire).

With the moon in the most EMOTIONAL sign, (cancer), the lunar transits will add another perspective to our emotions as we may evaluate our relationships. It will trine Eros making our passions and desires clear (though we may lack the fire to act on them), it will square chiron making our previous traumas bubble to the surface and it will be opposite Saturn and Pluto in Capricorn which will only add additional feelings of loneliness, isolation, unearthed intense repressed emotions from the netherrealms of our deepest subconsciousness and a possible spike in PSD (pisces seasonal depression). On a positive note, the moon will also sextile Uranus in Taurus starting off this chapter of mercury's re-entry into Aquarius with some positive surprises or chance encounters that could help shake things up in a good way. This sextile helps break patterns and starts something new so this energy could be used wisely to evaluate what is no longer serving you mentally or emotionally and starting off on a positive foot!

Recommendations: journaling, resting, divination for shadow work, healthily crying

_______

5th

Venus enters Taurus ☽ Moon in Cancer trines Sun and Neptune in Pisces ☽ Moon sextiles Sedna in Taurus ☽ Moon opposite Mars and Jupiter in Capricorn

Energy: Today will feel like an oasis in the many days of romantic strife. The transits have not been kind to our hearts with Juno in retrograde, and Venus in Aries ridiculous aspects, but now Venus is taking a chill pill and returning to one of it's home signs Taurus. There's a reason why Taurus Season starts on 4/20 because it's the most sensual, relaxed,  chill, luxurious, lush sign there is and we will feel the effects of Venus in Taurus with wanting to just enjoy life and appreciate the good things in it a little bit more.

Additionally the lunar transits are pretty nice too. The moon in cancer will trine the Sun and Neptune in Pisces making the day extra dreamy and creative and easy going. The moon will eventually make a sextile with Sedna in Taurus adding to our desires to be creative and in some cases may manifest in appreciating life and nature. The moon will also form an opposition with Mars and Jupiter in Capricorn which could either manifest a drive to put our feelings into action or expand on them or if we choose to not use the energy it could manifest in other ways such as sudden bursts of energy which could be either good or bad. With oppositions it's best to try to make the opposite energies harmonize otherwise the imbalance can cause unexpected bursts in areas we weren't ready to handle.

Recommendations: creating art, art magic, dance magic, kitchen witchery, self love magic, meditation, dream oracling, nature walk, creating something, tapping into heart energy.

_______

6th

☽ VOC 7:11AM - 9:27AM ☽ Moon enters Leo ☽ Moon in Leo trines Chiron in Aries ☽ Moon opposite Mercury rx in Aquarius ☽ Moon squares Venus and Uranus in Taurus

Energy: Today will be a day for drama as the Moon enters Leo and makes all sorts of spicy aspects with the planets. With the moon in Leo the energy can create a positive outlet for our emotions to be channeled through our creativity yet on the flipside the energy can also let explosive emotional episodes burst out dramatically. The moon will be teaming up with Chiron in Aries in a trine which can help us explore our deep issues and bring about healing. However when it comes to communicating there might be some challenges with the moon opposing mercury retrograding in Aquarius. It may be best for us to work on ourselves solitarily or channel it into a personal creative project instead of trying to express it or project it outwards when there is a lot of room for miscommunication. Finally the moon in leo will square Venus and then Uranus in Taurus which will add the flavors of drama, surprise, new encounters, emotional outbursts from others, emotional neediness, rebelliousness and in some cases infidelity. Take caution as this is not a day to over indulge by impulse spending or lash out in response to outbursts. Though the squares may make some tensions with the Moon in it's dramatic placement, the lunar transits are only a few hours long so the air will clear and a settled state will return quickly.

Recommendations: Protection magic, invisibility glamours (if you want to avoid drama), Hexes!! Or- channeling energy through creative outlets.

_______

7th

☽ Moon in Leo sextiles Juno rx Libra ☽ Moon opposite Ceres in Aquarius

Energy: With the moon continuing it's transit through Leo, it's now met with a sextile from Juno in retrograde and eventually an opposition with Ceres in Aquarius. Leo also being a sign also of romance and the inner child could bring out those emotional qualities to the surface today with our lunar transits as they get affected by Juno and Ceres. The Juno retrograde sextile could stir up deep feelings of wanting to connect with your ideal love, wanting to receive your ideal love or wanting to find something to devote your love and creativity to. The retrograde can help with great introspection yet if you feel any frustrations then tarot can help you to show where you need to work on to manifest it in your life. With the moon in creative Leo opposing Ceres in eclectic Aquarius, it may bring up potential for us to find nurturing in expressing our individuality through creative projects or alternatively it could potentially bring up some negativity regarding feeling alone and unnurtured as well. If you happen to fall on the negative side of the vibe you can honor yourself by doing the things you always love the most or trying a new outlet to express yourself. It's ok to feel down from time to time and lunar aspects (especially with smaller planets/asteroids) are brief so this may not affect you so much but if it does use the Leo moon to fuel it into self expression!

Recommendations: Art magic, self love, love divination, love spells

_______

8th

Venus conjunct Uranus in Taurus Sun conjunct Neptune in Pisces ☽ Moon in Leo squares Sedna in Taurus ☽ VOC 8:12AM-11:47AM ☽ Moon in Virgo (full moon phase begins) ☽ Moon in Virgo trines Venus and Uranus in Taurus

Energy: It's not yet the full moon yet we are inching there, and the energy will feel heightened now!! The full moon phase will begin and will start off with a powerful conjunct with Venus and Uranus in Taurus along with the Sun and Neptune in Pisces creating a powerful dreamy vibe of romantic surprises and new positive sensual developments. The moon in Virgo will trine Venus and Uranus in Taurus as well making all three planetary energies work in unison to create a powerful energy of love, tenderness, harmony, excitement, positive surprises, new positive changes, chance encounters, thrills, breaking habits, powerful magic and romance. The Virgo full moon (opposing Sun in Pisces) is a moon that reminds us that our dreams are in reach if we follow through the steps to get there. Along with the aspects between the sun and neptune along with venus and uranus today is a FANTASTIC day for romance spells for new love AND MONEY SPELLS especially to win money or earn it suddenly in a positive way (that's not the universe just scheduling you for another week of back-to-back double shifts). If you are a creative this is a great day to pour energy into your work cause you will find breakthroughs. If you are keen for an adventure, today is fantastic to take a trip on. If you want to hook up or find romance today is also an amazing day to do magic for it. If you always felt shy about playing the lottery or doing a scratch card just give it a shot today, it's the full moon!! Your dreams are in reach. The other planets are like cheerleaders for virgo's full moon. Go for it. Yolo

Recommendations: Money Magic (focus on winning money), love magic, sex magic, manifesting dreams into reality, vision boards, job finding spells, road opening magic (road opening means unblocking energy or creating new opportunities to come your way whether that means for jobs, money, creativity etc).

#witchblr #astrology #moon phases #magic #transits #celestial #forecast

[louistomlinsoncouk]

Louis Tomlinson: ‘It took some real maturity to understand that One Direction wasn't real life’

I meet Louis Tomlinson at Simon Cowell's London office: a huge, two-room space befitting of a Bond villain at Sony Music’s HQ in High Street Kensington, on the floor occupied by his label, Syco. Cowell, to be clear, isn’t here, but he definitely feels present. A ten-foot portrait of the music mogul smirks down on all those who enter from the minimalist living room wall. Tomlinson, his publicist and I go straight through the frosted glass doors into the office-proper to do our interview, but before we can start the 27-year-old One Direction member turned solo artist needs a cigarette.

Within 30 seconds someone has brought Tomlinson a heavy orb-shaped black ashtray and a cup of tea. He lights up – smoking two more over the next half an hour – and visibly relaxes, leaning back in his chair. Tomlinson has the air of a comedic TV personality: warm, funny and self-effacing, he makes regular references to his hometown of Doncaster (“Donny”), has a loud, theatrical voice and swears like a trooper. “Simon won’t mind,” he says – and mind Cowell shouldn’t. One Direction, one of the most successful boy bands of all time, were Cowell’s cash cow after he brought them together on the X Factor in 2010. Since going on “hiatus” in 2016, all five boys (now men in their mid-twenties) launched solo careers, but only Tomlinson stuck with Syco. Now, Cowell's last vestige of the One Direction big bucks is gearing up to release a debut album, which, as anyone who knows anything about the fervour of the band's fans will be well aware, is already a guaranteed hit.

Tomlinson has, however, taken a big risk. Dressed in a vintage red football shirt, black tracksuit bottoms and black trainers, hair still styled into sweeping boy band perfection, he explains that this new music is “a statement of intent”. Gone are the saccharine, dance-tinged pop beats heard on his 2017 and 2018 collaborations with Bebe Rexha and Steve Aoki. Instead, his latest single “Kill My Mind” is a nineties rock-inspired anthem that sounds like an ode to Oasis. “I spent a long time treading water working out where I fit in the industry,“ he says. “I had to work out what it is I can actually get away with, and just how much I have to play for radio,” explaining that he did the aforementioned collaborations “because I felt like I had Tomlinson says that, unlike former bandmates Zayn Malik and Liam Payne, both of who have released music obviously influenced by hip-hop and R&B, “I can’t really relate to the urban-leaning sounds you hear on American radio”. Instead, he cites Catfish And The Bottlemen as an influence (“Lyrically, it’s conversational and honest”) and spends his time listening to Apple Music playlist “Kebab On The Night Bus”, which features bands such as The Arctic Monkeys, The Stone Roses, The Who and Idles . The result is a solo output that, finally, makes him feel “really excited and really proud. This is where I want to be.

So what does he want this new music to say about him, other than he likes guitar music? “I want people to look at me as a good and credible songwriter.” Overall, what I want from my lyrics is honesty,” he elaborates. “I want it to be real. I don’t want them to feel Hollywood or contrived.” Most of the album is “very autobiographical”, but he’s also taken care to keep it “exciting”, after listening to the earliest version of it and feeling that “A lot of it sounded quite sad.” Tomlinson, who lost his younger sister earlier this year, references the single before “Kill My Mind”, “Two Of Us”, which is about his late mother, Johannah Deakin, who passed away in 2016 after a battle with leukaemia. “That’s a very, very honest song, but it was also very emotionally heavy. I don’t want to be known as that guy.” What, the stereotypical mope with a guitar? “Yeah, exactly, I don’t want people feeling sorry for me. I want people to feel good when they listen to my music. That’s one of the amazing things we had with One Direction.”

Together with Liam Payne, Tomlinson did a lot of the writing for One Direction, which, on reflection, he thinks he was driven to do so that he might find his role in the band. “This isn’t a relatable statement,” he acknowledges, “but I imagine that anyone who’s been in a band or boyband will understand this feeling. There were definitely times in the band that I felt like I could do more or sing more, which is why I actively tried to get better as a writer, because I thought that would be my outlet.”

Now Tomlinson feels like he's found his writing groove, but is he worried the One Direction fans might not like his new music? “Yeah and that’s what creates a bit of a conundrum actually, because that’s very relevant for me,” he says. “I feel like, to a certain degree, we all owe them something. We are where we are because of them, it’s as simple as that.” As my colleagues here at GQ can attest – this 2013 interview with the band got us death threats – upsetting fervent One Direction fans is not an action to be taken lightly. He says that he’s “deliberately included songs on the album that feel a little bit transitional, so it won’t be too alienating towards the fans”. Lyrically, however, he feels like he still “writes what they want to hear, because it’s honest and it’s real and it’s me pouring my heart out”.

But with a ready-made audience come anxiety-inducing benchmarks. “Having the experience of being in 1D was incredible and it’s given me so much to work with, but it’s also hard in terms of expectation, because that was the pinnacle of what we were,” he says sombrely, referring back to the time spent mulling over how to balance making music that’s authentic with finding his place in the mainstream. “If I’d done this interview two years ago, I’d have said to you that if my album doesn’t get to No1 I’ll feel like I’ve failed. It embarrasses me saying that shit out loud now, but it took some real maturity to understand that One Direction wasn’t real life... Everything I’d been shaping my experiences around was something that wasn’t real life, even in the music industry.”

We laugh about those heady days, when he was 18-24, fresh out of Doncaster and making the kind of money 99.9 per cent of us can only ever dream about. “There was a solid time when I spent a long time looking at the most stupid, ridiculous things to spend money on,” he says when I ask him about his own crazy popstar purchases, having read that Liam Payne once bought the Ford Anglia from Harry Potter And The Chamber Of Secrets. “I’ve got a long list of random movie props that starts with the great opener of the leg braces that Tom Hanks wears in Forest Gump. Have I ever got them out? No. I looked at them when I bought them like, ‘Oh, this is amazing,’ but really, I’m not a showy person, I’m not going to have them on display in my house.” Also stored away (“I’ve got Hard Rock Cafe in one cupboard”) are the swords from Kill Bill.

[...]

Has he ever considered retiring out of the public eye? “I’ve thought about that loads of times. It’s only the fans, and the fact I have a point to prove to myself, that keep me getting up every day and getting on to do it,” he says. “When I’m 50, I’m going to go off and get my coaching badges and I’m going to manage some youth team and win the FA Youth Cup with them.” So with all the intense media scrutiny, the feeling that you owe millions of people around the world well, something, and a hugely successful stint as a musician already under his belt, what’s he’s still trying to prove with his solo career? “People and the press love to say, ‘Oh, A and B will do well, but the rest of the lads, they’re not going to do anything.’ So my point I’m trying to prove is that I’m still going to be here in ten years, I hope”.

#louis tomlinson #press #kmm: british gq #kill my mind promo #19sep19 #it's not the full thing

[steve0discusses]

Yugioh S4 Ep10 pt 1: Yugioh Predicted the California Drought

Ah, my break is officially over, and it’s a new year, and so far, this year kind of sucks so lets get distracted and watch some TV. IF ONLY we could solve the world’s issues with a bunch of lost children from Japan carrying magical paper cards, amiright?

Anyway, Seto reflects on these cards that he came alllll the way to California to learn about, only to learn about them, and then decide “Yeah I didn’t really want to know that, Yugi.”

I just want to remind everyone that last episode I said “and now Kaiba has joined the party” and it lasted like less than one conversation with Yugi before Seto was like “oh hell no” and just walked out in that purple ball gown, trailing behind him like a complete diva.

Yugi needs to curse his friends to like him more often, is what I’m saying.

(read more under the cut)

So, staring at the fallout of their rekindled friendship with Kaiba that lasted less than a minute, Joey makes an observation.

And then Yugi just wonders “the hell is this plot supposed to go if a Kaiba isn’t here to abduct my family/tell me what to do/get abducted themselves?”

So they decide to reach out to the only other person on this show with a degree than Seto Kaiba.

(And TBH, Seto probably just decided to buy a new degree in graphic design from Devry so he wouldn’t have to finish public school and spend another millisecond in the same room as Joey Wheeler.)

And I have to give Yugi credit for finally deciding to visit the only adult he knows in America. Way to finally find an adult, Yugi. Took 4 season’s but you’ve finally done it. Gonna go visit Arthur Hawkins and dance awkwardly around this Rebecca situation that I guess Tea is fine with now. She used to be jealous, but I think Tea genuinely enjoys spending time with Rebecca now. The jealousy kind of disappeared once the plot picked up.

And Kaiba just takes off in the most wasteful plane ever invented, off to destroy precious fossil fuels on some other side of the planet.

Kind of weird that Tea would rather fly in that asshole dragon plane than Duke Devlin’s sweet retro car, but youknow...I’ve mentioned before that Tea is secretly just a Kaiba-lite without the cards. Of course she’d prefer an asshole dragon jet.

And Yugi would be able to fit in the suit-case compartment of the dragon jet. Just put the suitcase on Mokuba’s lap, and then stuff Yugi into that little slot, he’d be fine.

And honestly Kaiba made the correct choice, because what these guys had to go through is absolutely ridiculous. First off, Duke is like “Oh, this is really close to here” (remember they are in the Financial District of SF) and he just turns directly off of 101 and blows through some bird sanctuary somewhere.

Like y’all, everywhere that doesn’t have a house or a cow field on it in the Bay Area is a protected bird sanctuary, weird fact about the Bay Area, and Duke killed so many birds this episode. The South Bay is SO DEVELOPED.

Course, that is again assuming that the art staff knew that they were drawing the Bay Area, which they SUPER DID NOT.

Now this rock structure, I’m sure, is there to mimic the next shot with the giant ass building--it helps make pleasing screen transitions. But...at what cost?

AT WHAT COST?

Just....

Like I am starting to think the landscapers only knew how to draw one type of mountain and that was it. Square mesas only. They were just unprepared for hills. And like...we only have wild grass that is green like this for like...2 months of the year. That’s it. That’s what my Winter looks like, it’s when the grass is alive.

How did this happen?

Anyway, Mai is alive, and really upset about it. Will she at all reflect on her behavior, and realize that if the main mini-bosses are telling you to knock it the hell off, then maybe there is something wrong with you? Like these are two people who I assume harvested a ton of souls off screen like actual serial killers and they’re like “Girl. You’re like being hella mean right now and need to tone it down.”

I mean, if Mai gets better, than that basically gives Joey absolutely nothing to do in this season so, gotta keep Mai completely bonkers. There she goes. On a motorcycle.

And if you thought Yugioh was done throwing recreational and vintage vehicles in your face, well don’t worry, they even got the OG vintage vehicle, check this one out:

A freakin horse.

And I have to tell you...horses are hard to draw and animate and Yugioh doesn’t do a great job and it is wonderful. I love seeing this horse kind of awkwardly stumble around. It’s very good stuff. Like clearly these artists do not love horses as much as they love one of these:

Of course, get allllll the vehicles in this episode, Yugioh, bring back Marik on his yacht, I dare you.

And then...this very bizarre set of things happen in succession. I’ll just show you.

NICE.

WOW.

That entire house just exploded.

Not just a part of it--but the entire freakin house.

They were there for like less than 30 seconds, and just demolished that entire house like it was Independence Day the movie.

And like that whole house situation was pretty bonkers anyway, not sure why they need a planetarium when they research undersea structures, but youknow what? Arthur Hawkins would. 

And don’t you dare do the math and think about how much a house with a planetarium and a horse stable in it would cost in Silicon Valley. It’s way too depressing, trust me.

And yes, that probably exists. Lots of horse people in Los Altos, and it makes me wonder if maybe they based Rebecca’s home on Stanford University? Maybe? I feel like these animators think Stanford is in San Fransisco. That one seems likely to me.

Also, kudos to the horse that it got blasted 50 ft away by an explosion and not only is the horse completely OK, but so is all of her groceries. That is one power horse, right here. I mean the groceries are still covered in so much horse ass smell, but youknow, Rebecca’s 12 so it’s not the horse’s or Rebecca’s fault that she has no idea how groceries work. We should just be glad that she bought vegetables when she went to the store and not just 8 cartons of pop tarts.

So, hours pass, no police show up, and Yugi and co walk into this bleak situation.

Fortunately, the massive explosion did not explode the truck-led RV outside.

A truck that...could’ve been used to go and get the damn groceries, may I add. If Arthur Hawkins used the TRUCK and done his own job without sending his granddaughter into a modern town on a horse, then he would have been at the grocery store and his house would never have exploded. This one is on Arthur, honestly. Then again, he seems like he kinda has the parenting skills of Yugi’s family, who just kinda...delivered him to San Fransisco un-aided and was like “have fun storming the castle”

This ship is kind of hilarious in action, not gonna lie. Yugi’s here with a grandpa who came back from the dead and is like “They don’t really need your grandpa, so he’s probably fine” and it’s like wtf. That’s terrible advice, Yugi.

Anyway, they apparently needed the Oricalchos necklace that Yugi handed off to Arthur back in like the first episode. So Yugi didn’t exactly mean for this to happen, but yet again, because Yugi and Pharaoh can’t be bothered to keep track of their own magical items themselves, someone else goes off with them and gets super screwed. Again. At least Arthur isn’t totally evil (although he still might and go rogue like Marik, and we all know that would be a very funny hairstyle if it happened)

So Rebecca happens to have this necklace just on your person (WTF, ARTHUR THAT’S YOUR GRANDDAUGHTER) and she gives it back to Yugi, where it should have stayed in the first place since he’s haunted by powerful ghost powers and is the only one here that can handle all these haunted Mordor rings. (just remembered he left Bakura’s ring in Japan. I’m sure that’s not going to be a problem later.)

So, that’s all for Part One. As you can see, I’m a little behind schedule, but youknow, I got lazy over the break, and then I drew Joey Wheeler a bunch when I planned to be typing, and it was overall a really great use of my time. No regrets.

And if you just got here this is a link to read the Yugioh recaps from the start. One of these days I’ll put the link into seasons but that does mean I have to retag stuff.

#ygo #yugioh #yugioh recap #episode recap #photo recap #yugi muto #oricalchos #raphael #valon #mai valentine #joey wheeler #seto kaiba #rebecca hawkins #arthur hawkins #an explosion within a very close vicinity to a horse #tea gardner #california #somehow still san fransisco #tristan taylor #duke devlon #duke devlons really fancy vintage car that I'm super worried about #Mokuba Kaiba peaces out on the dragon plane #s4 #ep10

[dailytomlinson]

I meet Louis Tomlinson at Simon Cowell's London office: a huge, two-room space befitting of a Bond villain at Sony Music’s HQ in High Street Kensington, on the floor occupied by his label, Syco. Cowell, to be clear, isn’t here, but he definitely feels present. A ten-foot portrait of the music mogul smirks down on all those who enter from the minimalist living room wall. Tomlinson, his publicist and I go straight through the frosted glass doors into the office-proper to do our interview, but before we can start the 27-year-old One Direction member turned solo artist needs a cigarette.

Within 30 seconds someone has brought Tomlinson a heavy orb-shaped black ashtray and a cup of tea. He lights up – smoking two more over the next half an hour – and visibly relaxes, leaning back in his chair. Tomlinson has the air of a comedic TV personality: warm, funny and self-effacing, he makes regular references to his hometown of Doncaster (“Donny”), has a loud, theatrical voice and swears like a trooper. “Simon won’t mind,” he says – and mind Cowell shouldn’t. One Direction, one of the most successful boy bands of all time, were Cowell’s cash cow after he brought them together on the X Factor in 2010. Since going on “hiatus” in 2016, all five boys (now men in their mid-twenties) launched solo careers, but only Tomlinson stuck with Syco. Now, Cowell's last vestige of the One Direction big bucks is gearing up to release a debut album, which, as anyone who knows anything about the fervour of the band's fans will be well aware, is already a guaranteed hit.

Tomlinson has, however, taken a big risk. Dressed in a vintage red football shirt, black tracksuit bottoms and black trainers, hair still styled into sweeping boy band perfection, he explains that this new music is “a statement of intent”. Gone are the saccharine, dance-tinged pop beats heard on his 2017 and 2018 collaborations with Bebe Rexha and Steve Aoki. Instead, his latest single “Kill My Mind” is a nineties rock-inspired anthem that sounds like an ode to Oasis. “I spent a long time treading water working out where I fit in the industry,“ he says. “I had to work out what it is I can actually get away with, and just how much I have to play for radio,” explaining that he did the aforementioned collaborations “because I felt like I had Tomlinson says that, unlike former bandmates Zayn Malik and Liam Payne, both of who have released music obviously influenced by hip-hop and R&B, “I can’t really relate to the urban-leaning sounds you hear on American radio”. Instead, he cites Catfish And The Bottlemen as an influence (“Lyrically, it’s conversational and honest”) and spends his time listening to Apple Music playlist “Kebab On The Night Bus”, which features bands such as The Arctic Monkeys, The Stone Roses, The Who and Idles . The result is a solo output that, finally, makes him feel “really excited and really proud. This is where I want to be.

Tomlinson has, however, taken a big risk. Dressed in a vintage red football shirt, black tracksuit bottoms and black trainers, hair still styled into sweeping boy band perfection, he explains that this new music is “a statement of intent”. Gone are the saccharine, dance-tinged pop beats heard on his 2017 and 2018 collaborations with Bebe Rexha and Steve Aoki. Instead, his latest single “Kill My Mind” is a Nineties rock-inspired anthem that sounds like an ode to Oasis. “I spent a long time treading water working out where I fit in the industry,“ he says. “I had to work out what it is I can actually get away with and just how much I have to play for radio,” explaining that he did the aforementioned collaborations “because I felt like I had to.”

Tomlinson says that, unlike former bandmates Zayn Malik and Liam Payne, both of who have released music obviously influenced by hip-hop and R&B, “I can’t really relate to the urban-leaning sounds you hear on American radio”. Instead, he cites Catfish And The Bottlemen as an influence (“Lyrically, it’s conversational and honest”) and spends his time listening to Apple Music playlist “Kebab On The Night Bus”, which features bands such as The Arctic Monkeys, The Stone Roses, The Who and Idles . The result is a solo output that, finally, makes him feel “really excited and really proud. This is where I want to be.”

So what does he want this new music to say about him, other than he likes guitar music? “I want people to look at me as a good and credible songwriter.” Overall, what I want from my lyrics is honesty,” he elaborates. “I want it to be real. I don’t want them to feel Hollywood or contrived.” Most of the album is “very autobiographical”, but he’s also taken care to keep it “exciting”, after listening to the earliest version of it and feeling that “A lot of it sounded quite sad.” Tomlinson, who lost his younger sister earlier this year, references the single before “Kill My Mind”, “Two Of Us”, which is about his late mother, Johannah Deakin, who passed away in 2016 after a battle with leukaemia. “That’s a very, very honest song, but it was also very emotionally heavy. I don’t want to be known as that guy.” What, the stereotypical mope with a guitar? “Yeah, exactly, I don’t want people feeling sorry for me. I want people to feel good when they listen to my music. That’s one of the amazing things we had with One Direction.”

Together with Liam Payne, Tomlinson did a lot of the writing for One Direction, which, on reflection, he thinks he was driven to do so that he might find his role in the band. “This isn’t a relatable statement,” he acknowledges, “but I imagine that anyone who’s been in a band or boyband will understand this feeling. There were definitely times in the band that I felt like I could do more or sing more, which is why I actively tried to get better as a writer, because I thought that would be my outlet.”

Now Tomlinson feels like he's found his writing groove, but is he worried the One Direction fans might not like his new music? “Yeah and that’s what creates a bit of a conundrum actually, because that’s very relevant for me,” he says. “I feel like, to a certain degree, we all owe them something. We are where we are because of them, it’s as simple as that.” As my colleagues here at GQ can attest – this 2013 interview with the band got us death threats – upsetting fervent One Direction fans is not an action to be taken lightly. He says that he’s “deliberately included songs on the album that feel a little bit transitional, so it won’t be too alienating towards the fans”. Lyrically, however, he feels like he still “writes what they want to hear, because it’s honest and it’s real and it’s me pouring my heart out”.

But with a ready-made audience come anxiety-inducing benchmarks. “Having the experience of being in 1D was incredible and it’s given me so much to work with, but it’s also hard in terms of expectation, because that was the pinnacle of what we were,” he says sombrely, referring back to the time spent mulling over how to balance making music that’s authentic with finding his place in the mainstream. “If I’d done this interview two years ago, I’d have said to you that if my album doesn’t get to No1 I’ll feel like I’ve failed. It embarrasses me saying that shit out loud now, but it took some real maturity to understand that One Direction wasn’t real life... Everything I’d been shaping my experiences around was something that wasn’t real life, even in the music industry.”

We laugh about those heady days, when he was 18-24, fresh out of Doncaster and making the kind of money 99.9 per cent of us can only ever dream about. “There was a solid time when I spent a long time looking at the most stupid, ridiculous things to spend money on,” he says when I ask him about his own crazy popstar purchases, having read that Liam Payne once bought the Ford Anglia from Harry Potter And The Chamber Of Secrets. “I’ve got a long list of random movie props that starts with the great opener of the leg braces that Tom Hanks wears in Forest Gump. Have I ever got them out? No. I looked at them when I bought them like, ‘Oh, this is amazing,’ but really, I’m not a showy person, I’m not going to have them on display in my house.” Also stored away (“I’ve got Hard Rock Cafe in one cupboard”) are the swords from Kill Bill.

Still three years shy of 30 and living between London and LA (where he shares a home with his best friend from Doncaster, Olly), Tomlinson seems to have finally found some balance. 

Has he ever considered retiring out of the public eye? “I’ve thought about that loads of times. It’s only the fans, and the fact I have a point to prove to myself, that keep me getting up every day and getting on to do it,” he says. “When I’m 50, I’m going to go off and get my coaching badges and I’m going to manage some youth team and win the FA Youth Cup with them.” So with all the intense media scrutiny, the feeling that you owe millions of people around the world well, something, and a hugely successful stint as a musician already under his belt, what’s he’s still trying to prove with his solo career? “People and the press love to say, ‘Oh, A and B will do well, but the rest of the lads, they’re not going to do anything.’ So my point I’m trying to prove is that I’m still going to be here in ten years, I hope”.

#gq magazine #190919 #kmm press #stunt mention #press #louis tomlinson

[thepetulantpen]

Fairytale/Emotional Support

(Here’s another late contribution for @beaujester-week , a Robin Hood AU for day 5!)

Beau crouches beside a tree and tries to ignore Jester’s giggles behind her, hoping they’re out of earshot of the guards.

“Beau,” Jester whispers as best she can but in the dead silence of the forest, it may as well be a gunshot, “which-“

A twig snaps and Beau’s ears pick up the soft sounds of footsteps on the dirt path that winds through the forest, just a few feet in front of their tree. Reflexes kicking in, Beau pulls both herself and Jester closer to the tree, making sure its silhouette obscures their forms. In the same fluid motion, she covers Jester’s mouth to cut her question short. Jester pouts beneath her hand but begrudgingly accepts the necessity of silence in a run from the sheriff and snuggles closer to Beau.

The guards on the path look irritated and confused, no doubt lost in the twists and turns Beau took through the forest. They’re all sighing with exertion and annoyance, not paid to hike through the woods all day, hunting down an elusive thief for the sake of their delusional sheriff.

“I think she took the other path. Let’s join up with our forces in the east.”

Beau exhales silently, thanking every god she knows and barely believes in. She waits until the last spot of sunlight reflecting off their stupid helmets disappears on the horizon and then moves swiftly from their hiding spot, tugging Jester along.

Her feet have memorized this forest floor, dexterously leading her around roots and rocks, choosing the path of least resistance for Jester’s sake. Jester keeps a running commentary through their walk and Beau lets her, knowing the threat has passed.

Besides, she always loves to hear Jester speak about these things, the pride and excitement in her voice is enough reward for all the trouble they’ve had.

“-then I had my doubles do a little jig to distract them and you stunned the guard like bam! Oh, Beau, it was so fun- we should do this more often!”

“Feel a little bad for getting you involved in a life of crime.” Beau glances up from ground briefly to look at Jester’s face, tone only half joking.

“Pssh, I was kicked out of the last town, remember? I’m hardly as innocent as my pretty face looks!” Jester frames her face with her hands, looking angelic one second, then grinning like a devil the next.

Beau’s heard this story before and she’s only half sure she believes it. Anybody would deny it upon first meeting Jester, a cheerful little tiefling girl clearly incapable of humiliating a politician, committing minor theft and causing mayhem in the streets to mask her flee from the city. But Beau knows her a little better than most, has seen that deeply chaotic and mischievous energy of hers in action. This is, after all, the girl who agreed, without hesitation, to join her quest to pull off one of the most high scale robberies Nottingham has ever seen.

This last job was their biggest yet- and their most personal. Lionett family wineries may not feel the loss of revenue for long, but the poor of Nottingham could certainly be sustained by their stolen money for many months to come.

Beau just wishes she could’ve seen her father’s face when he realized just how much she was able to get away with.

“Beau, are you alright?”

“Hm?” Beau blinks away bad memories and vengeful fantasies to look at Jester, frowning in concern, “Of course. Why? Do I, like, look grumpy?”

“No, it’s just that you’ve got that look on your face like you’re thinking too hard about something dumb.”

Beau laughs and opens her mouth to respond with a joke, a transition to an easier topic, but Jester interrupts, expression earnest and serious.

“Is it about your dad?”

The forest floor is a fascinating thing, textured with unexpected holes and littered with odd plant life, giving Beau something to study while she stalls for time.

“Yeah, I guess.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Beau looks up from the roots to meet Jester’s eyes, filled with kindness that has become Beau’s lifeline the last few weeks. Those eyes have carried her through heartbreak and abuse, made her feel valuable when Nottingham treated her like a stain on society. She knows she can answer honestly, without judgement or disappointment from Jester.

“Not really.”

Jester hums, studying Beau’s face to detect a lie. When she doesn’t find one, she smiles, a little relieved.

“Well, there’s not much to say anyway- he’s just a stupid, greedy man.”

The words are flippant, easy, but the way Jester squeezes Beau’s hand is not. Her grip is strong, an unforgettable reminder that Jester is there, should Beau change her mind.

Beau would’ve said thanks, or something equally unnecessary, but she catches sight of smoke and the first patches of straw roofs. They’ve arrived.

Jester pushes ahead, switching positions with Beau to pull her ahead, knowing the way from here.

Arriving at the tiny village on the outskirts of town, where much of the poor of Nottingham find themselves, is always an event. It’s a rush of activity and sound, a rush that Jester meets with matching energy, one girl against a village. Beau just hands over the bag of gold, less good at interacting with the kids and the thankful people here. They’re hailed with aliases whispered across the country, legends of heroes who take from the wealthy and give to those less fortunate.

Beau doesn’t know how she got stuck with Robin Hood, but it’s a little late to complain about it. Jester has it easier, having chosen her own name: Maid Marion, so she can take a bit of her mother with her on her adventures.

It’s cute, though not nearly as cute as Jester and Kiri.

“Oh, you’ll finally be able to buy a new cloak and some new toys, isn’t it wonderful?”

“Wonderful!”

Their smiles- Jester’s, Kiri’s, and the rest of the settlement’s- wipe the image of her father’s snarl.

This is the best part of her job.

...

Between jobs, Beau enjoys quiet moments in their borrowed cottage, barely managing to make her own tea and not ruin it. It’s nice out here, just her and Jester enjoying this place before they move onto the next town, the next community in need.

The peace and coziness is nice, of course, but she wouldn’t give up the thrill and the pride of their mission for it. She knows she could never commit to a life of sitting idly after she’s gotten a taste of adventure, of traveling the world in a whirlwind with Jester.

Jester couldn’t either, can’t even finish a quiet afternoon like Beau before she bursts through the door.

“Look at this! Isn’t it terrible?”

Jester shoves two pieces of paper in Beau’s face, too close for her eyes to focus on. She takes them from her and finds herself looking at two extremely shitty illustrations of her and Jester. They are truly comical, with wildly incorrect noses and stringy hair, and they’re supposed to be official Wanted posters, identifying them to the Empire. It’s laughable, and it’s exactly what she’d expect from Nottingham.

“Well, it’s a good thing we’re leaving town. Don’t think I could live with people thinking I look like that.”

Jester sits down at the table with Beau, taking her own teacup and pouring it somewhat angrily. Her indignation is frankly adorable, just another faucet of her passion. She feels everything so deeply, and acts on it accordingly.

“I’m making our own Wanted posters for the next town. I mean, this is ridiculous.”

Beau takes a drink and smiles at Jester, soft and relaxed on their day off.

“You could paint pictures of totally different people just to confuse everyone.”

Jester’s entire face lights up at the idea, the inspiration sparking nearly tangible mischievous energy. When Jester has found an idea she likes, she can talk about it for hours, her voice like music in a lilting tune that keeps Beau invested in what she has to say.

It doesn’t require much to keep Jester going once she’s gotten fixated on something, but Beau interjects with her criminal expertise when needed, adding fuel to the fire. They’re a perfect duo in that way, unconditionally supportive, regardless of the quality of their ideas or rationality of their worries.

Scheming is their kind of downtime, staying outside and talking about nothing and everything until the tea is gross, fireflies are swarming, and the stars twinkle above them.

Beau calls it a night when Jester starts yawning, following her back inside the cottage with just one last glance at the night sky.

She doesn’t recognize any of the constellations, but she swears the stars are scattered in the exact same pattern as the freckles decorating Jester’s face.

For a moment, the sky seems to smile at Beau and she smiles back. She must be more tired than she thought.

She goes inside, to sleep beside her lover, partner in crime, and roommate. There’s work to be done tomorrow, they’ll need their rest.

#beaujesterweek2019 #beaujester #critical role #jester lavorre #beauregard #this one is a bit of a mess #but i liked the idea so #oh well #maybe ill edit a better version later

[doomedandstoned]

Closer To The End (part III)

I contend that human beings are not suited for the world we've fashioned for ourselves. Cases of anxiety and depression are practically ubiquitous, and suicide in all age groups is once again on the rise. Some will suffer mental afflictions that last years -- perhaps even for a lifetime. This is the third and final part of my story.

~By Billy Goate~

Cover art by Ruso Tsig additional art by Karl Briullov

I'm so tired of hearing that I'm wrong Everyone laughs at me, why me? I'm so tired of being pushed around I feel like I've been betrayed

We take each other's love, forget to give back Isn't it a pity, how we break each other's hearts I know we're only human and not to blame But who the hell are you to cause so much pain Why...

MEDICATION

My parents have been anti-establishment for as long as I can remember. In the climate of the 1980s, the institutions of the day were being called seriously into question. One of them was the authoritarian nature of public education (there's a reason why Pink Floyd's "Another Brick in the Wall" resonated so strongly with people). It's no surprise that my family got caught up in the first wave of the homeschooling movement. Other areas of modern life began to be called into question, as well, taking the family down a dark, windy road that led into conspiracy culture, extreme libertarianism, and religious dogmatism.

This distrust of the "experts" put us at odds with the medical establishment, too. "Doctors only know how to do two things," mom would often proclaim loudly in one of her famous rants, "cut you open or prescribe you pills." Natural medicine held the keys to recovery from all ills, be it cancer or the common cold. "All those chemicals aren’t good for your body," she insisted. "God put everything we need for healing in the ground." I’m not here to knock naturopathy (I was an ardent follower of this way of life for years) nor my mother for her convictions, but there are some things that can’t be cured by Saint John's Wort and herbal tea -- major depression being one of them.

At one point, my anxiety, melancholy, and a generalized feeling of social isolation reached such a heightened state I turned to hypnotism, enamored by an obscure radio program hosted by Roy Masters and his Foundation for Human Understanding. I was too young to understand the significance of most of the bullshit he was spewing, but it was the comprehensive approach to life that appealed to me. I wanted answers -- all of them. About the only thing I got out of it, though, was learning how to make my own arm go numb through self-hypnosis.

Later, I'd get caught up in a movement of Biblical counseling that rejected psychiatry altogether. "Christ has given us all things we need for life and godliness," says the holy writ, ergo we need none other than Jesus to cure our mental ills. Furthermore, the thesis said, since "God has not given us a spirit of fear" it must mean that the root of depression and anxiety is ultimately sin against God. The answer? Confess your sins and walk by faith, not by sight. In short, pray the sadness away. All of this had limited effectiveness in coping with the claustrophobic cloud of melancholy that was constantly with me.

Cough & Windhand: Reflection of the Negative by Windhand

The stigma of psychiatry and modern medicine kept me from treating my depression for damn near a decade. Somewhere in my late twenties, after a prolonged and particularly dark depressive spell, I decided to talk to my medical doctor about antidepressants. He started me on the industry standard, the well-known and well-marketed Prozac, which became a household name in the '90s. I took the first dose at bedtime and when I woke up, I was seriously hating the daylight. Feeling extraordinarily fatigued, all I wanted to do was sleep. I called in a rare sick day from work. The next day I was feeling groggy, but well enough to return. Giving it the good ol' college try, I took Prozac for several weeks as directed, but the side-effects just weren't worth it for me. That’s when I was referred to my first psychiatrist.

It was a weird feeling sitting in the waiting room for my appointment. I felt like I’d joined the ranks of the fragile, broken, and confused, perhaps even the insane. It was hard for me to see myself sharing anything in common with the others that shared the tiny lobby. The psychiatrist who greeted me looked like a regular chucklehead -- you know, one of those sidekicks from a sitcom that's not coming to me now. (It just came to me: Glen from the Tom Green Show.) A paunchy man in his 30s with wavy dirty blonde hair parted to the side donning wire-rimmed glasses, the shrink pulled out a notebook and started asking me about my background, while he busily took notes. Turned out, the man was very methodical in his approach. Over the course of the year, we cycled through all kinds of drugs -- Paxil, Effexor, Wellbutrin, Lexapro, Zoloft, and a lot of other names I'm not remembering, before finally settling on Cymbalta.

Certainly, this was something I didn't want to share with my coworkers, much less mom and dad. The first time I told my brother I was taking antidepressants, he was outraged. “You don’t need that stuff in your body. You don’t need pills to feel good.” I don’t know what it is about antidepressant medication that offends people so badly, but some people feel it is their personal mission in life to get you off of them. Why all the evangelical fervor? Are they secretly afraid they are "nuts," too? It’s not like I’m trying to get everyone else to take my medication, but suddenly these people, well-meaning or not, are trying to get you off of your meds.

I’ve seen YouTube videos from a guy claiming that God has cured him of his bipolar disorder and he flushed all his pills down the toilet (bad idea, by the way). Then a month later, he comes back online crying uncontrollably, talking about how he feels like God is testing him and asking viewers to pray to stop Satan’s onslaught. Moral of the story: It's dangerous to let people's religious opinions and untested hunches drive the agenda for our mental health.

I'm very reluctant these days to talk to anyone about my depression, because of all the rush to judgement involved. Ironically, it's this breakdown of community that I believe is at the heart of much of our mental health issues as a society. Look at the comments on any confessional video addressing burnout, depression, or anxiety and you'll find everyone is suddenly an expert who knows so well the precise and perfect solution to your problems. Well-meaning or not, it's incredibly annoying and I'd rather not have trouble with it. Hell, it took me two years to finish this article.

Depressed people are often viewed with the same cynical dismissiveness ascribed to angsty hormonal teens. "It's just a phase, you'll get through it," you're told with the reassuring wave of a hand. Besides, they remind you, "Happiness is a choice!" Because they are feeling chipper today, they have little patience for you dampening their mood. Others call you edgy when you say the pressures of life are so great that you feel like just turning off the lights on all of it. Still others will view you as selfish for leaving the family reunion early (or not wanting to participate in holidays at all). When you spend the whole weekend in bed sleeping, they'll accuse you of being indulgent, not realizing sleep gives you a respite from the hurt, guilt, and regret of painful memories or the misery of an unstable home life. Or the well-meaning "It Gets Better!" It doesn't always get better as life moves on.

Then there are those who try to talk you off your meds, entirely (cue: the ridiculously overwrought Facebook posts). We've all been privy to those conversations that strike a conspiratorial tone about how it was really the pharmaceutical companies that led to Chris Cornell's death. "You should just get off the stuff," they argue -- be it from noble intentions or just pride from clinging to an opinion they've stubbornly invested in.

Then there are those who are convinced that since Jesus (or Buddha, Allah Oprah, Jordan Peterson or juicing) gave them an escape from their depression, certainly it is the universal cure for all that ails you. Understand that I was a committed Christian for decades. I know what it is like to feel spiritually serene and I value many of the things the church gave me as a young adult, namely the fellowship, tolerance, and love. I know the feeling of peace that comes from believing in someone who reigns over the chaos and cares about your every need -- an ultimate being who will make sense of the nonsense one day.

I don't wish to diminish anyone's faith or diminish your personal experiences. The fact is, however, that major depression is as much a physical illness as cancer is. Certainly, there are transitional feelings of unhappiness, emptiness, and despair that come from facing situations that seem out of one's control -- the nightmare roommate, being laid off from a job, losing a loved one. It's also true that in most cases, this sadness can be overcome by a new perspective, trying better strategies, or simply allowing the passage of time to do its healing work. Depression can be impacted by one's beliefs, but there is a kind of depression that exists independently of one's perspective on life.

SUICIDAL TENDENCIES

Apart from this series of articles (which took me a good two years to publish), I've stopped sharing my depression with other people. It's annoying, because most people don't know how to listen and empathize. They want to jump in with a solution that, if implemented by nightfall, just might make a difference by daybreak. It's just more hassle than it's worth. Over time, I've gone from being someone with an intense need to belong, to not caring what people think about me at all. I'll often go out of my way to avoid anything deeper than transactional relationships. Once a social butterfly, you'll find me quite the hermit these days. As a consequence, while I was once open to sharing my feelings of loneliness and despair, I rarely mention them any more on social media and practically never to my IRL friends. I would be the last person to call a suicide hotline, by the way. Judge me if you wish, but I'm just being honest. If you want to know what is going on in the head of a severely depressed person with suicidal ideation, here's a least one brain you can peer into.

There's a general consensus that suicide is a selfish decision, even a cowardly act. This was a casual opinion of my own for years, as well. Not until suicide touches someone in your life -- or when you enter its despondent realm yourself -- does the ridiculousness of that notion becomes apparent. Understand that for a person to commit suicide, they have to overcome the brain's own strong predilection for self-preservation. It's not so easy to take the step of ending your life. Something has gone terribly wrong with the brain's ability to convincingly cry, "STOP!" for that to happen.

In my worst bout of depression, following the demise of long-term relationship, I reached the point where every waking moment was sheer misery. Some call this anhedonia -- the inability to feel pleasure. Normally, when we are feeling blue, we seek out something to stimulate our pleasure receptors. That's why ice cream, chocolate, and Reese's Peanut Butter Cups are popular go-tos for the bummed out. For me, it's always been music and movies. On this particular week, though, I had somehow lost the capacity to find any joy whatsoever in the usual pastimes. Anything that attempted to pacify my mood met with my contempt. The only thing I could do to escape the agony of just being alive and conscious was to sleep...and sleep I did. At first 8 hours a night, up from my usual 7. Then it advanced to 9, 10, 11, 12 hours. When dawn came, a wave of misery washed over my mind again.

Once, I woke up feeling so despondent that I knew with absolute clarity that I could end my life. Today, I could actually do it. Immediately upon this realization, I wept bitterly. I've not cried like that before or since. If anything, I've become more stoic about the idea of suicide. Don't get me wrong, my internal sense of self-preservation is still quite strong. The problem is that in moments of severe depression, that instinct is dampened. You'll do just about anything just to get rid of the feeling of misery making it unbearable to be awake.

DOOM AWAKENING

One of the most important developments in treating my depression, besides medication and therapy, was the discovery of doom. There's an old expression that misery loves company. I don't know about you, but when I listen to music it's not generally to cheer me up. No, I want my tunes to have a certain level of commiseration with what I'm feeling and going through at the time. When I discovered (quite by accident) Saint Vitus, I knew I'd found my soul food. I can't fully explain that eureka moment when Dave Chandler belted out that first downtuned note on the guitars on "Born Too Late" or when Wino joined with plaintive lyrics for "I Bleed Black." This resonated with me powerfully. It brought chills. This was medicine for my weary head, a kind of mental morphine to dull the pain. I'd come to the Roseland Theater for Down and left with Saint Vitus.

As a funny aside, my roommate (who accompanied me to the show) and I rehashed the bands of the night, giving our two cents on this or that. One thing he said still makes me smile a little inside. "What did you think of Saint Vitus?" I asked. "I don't think they're the kind of band that will withstand the test of time," he remarked. "Well," I rejoined, "they have been playing now for over 30 years and were the co-headliners on a national tour, so their sound must be resonating with a good number of people." Sure, it wasn't for everyone, but on that night my doom had come.

Every song on 'Born Too Late' (1986) so perfectly captures the malaise of the deeply wounded soul, not just in lyrics but in the whole vibe. There's a thick, smoky haze permeating the record and it reminds me a lot of what it feels like after you've poured out your heart until you've got no more tears left to cry. Come on, don't pretend you're so macho that normal human emotions elude you. It's hard to put doom into words, but I'll try: on the one hand you feel emotionally exhausted because you've emptied out all those pent up feelings of loss, fear, regret, and frustration, on the other hand there's a feeling of "reset" and it often makes things much clearer to sort through. For me, when I've exhausted all my emotional resources, I'm left with a feeling of blithe acceptance. A sense of being dealt a set of cards by the impartial hand of fate. That's the kind of vibe that Saint Vitus captures perfectly for me on this record.

I spent entire weekends on those long, wonderful rabbit trails of discovery. "Dying Inside" led me to Trouble's "The Tempter" with its oh-so-tragic central riff. Lyrically, the songs I was running across could not have been more apropos.

Pentagram, The Skull, and Candlemass were not lingering far behind. Then came the more recent monoliths of doom: Electric Wizard, Windhand, High on Fire, Burning Witch, Khanate, Pilgrim, Serpentine Path, Usnea, Demon Lung, Ancient VVisdom, Dopelord, and the NOLA sludge scene, along with lesser known but equally as powerful acts like Undersmile, Shepherd's Crook, Reptile Master, Purple Hill Witch, Witchthroat Serpent, March Funèbre, Beldam, Hooded Priest, Regress, and 71TONMAN (listen to the Spotify playlist).

Doom metal spoke to me with a sharp realism that I connected with immediately. When you have no strength left to get angry at the world, you switch your listening habits from Car Bomb to Cough. You can say, I suppose, that doom was my salvation. It kept me hanging on a little while longer. The salve of those slow, low riffs gave me a strange feeling of consolation. "We know life sucks, too. Welcome to reality." It's like being awakened to the Matrix, but feeling there's not a damned thing you can do to change any of it. Your fate is sealed. It's an honesty that is both refreshing and freeing, I suppose, though one does wish to reclaim the notion of hope.

Believe it or not, even after writing all of this, optimism is my default mode. When I'm feeling well, and even when my depression is at low levels, the needle always leans towards inspiration, creativity, even a mischievous sense of humor and an aw, shucks smile that people tend to notice. I don't want to be depressed. The problem is that severe depression can make you feel, illusion or not, like you're paralyzed from doing anything about it.

As I've experienced more and more cuts and scrapes of life, I've become increasingly numb to it all, like the massive build-up of scar tissue. Things that upset me easily in the past might still hurt, but I've come to expect them, so they have the impact of a dull table knife. Perhaps I'm becoming a nihilist, despite my optimistic tendencies. It's hard not to be. Don't worry about me, though. If anything, I want to stick around to see what's going to happen next. It's the inborn curiosity we all have inside of us -- the same thing that I imagine kept Stephen Hawking going for decades after being wrecked by a disease that cruelly mangled his body into its famously misshapen form, stealing away his most basic expressive freedoms -- save for the power of his eyes and the thoughts behind them.

I've also made a deliberate attempt to pursue treatment (both psychiatric and psychological care) for my depression, which I urge you to do if you are likewise laboring under its crushing weight. The perspective of time, coupled with a remedy for mind and body can have a significant impact on your perspective, if not your life circumstances.

THE WINDY ROAD AHEAD

Learn from your mistakes, don't dwell on them. Repeated affirmations like this one may seem trite, but they are ultimately true. You can be free from the chains of guilt and move forward, as one performer puts it, "from strength to strength."

Don't kill yourself (literally or metaphorically) for someone else or for someone else's decisions. It may bum you out that a roomie decided to take your money and run or that you were rebuffed by a long-time crush or made jobless through corporate-wide cuts. You don't own that, they do.

Walks

Get off the couch, move that bod. Something as simple as a walk down the block or a drive out of town can do wonders for your perspective. As a homeschool teen living under the strict rule of a radical fundamentalist household in rural East Texas, my one salvation were those long walks in the open field -- especially when my parents started having loud, intense fights related to my mom's own mental health. I sorted through so many of life's problems (most of which seemed much larger then than they do now) through those solitary, hour-long strolls.

I really miss that where I live now, in a more congested neighborhood, so I have to find other ways of getting away from it all (getting up and out a half-hour before the other walkers, for instance, helps). Even if I don't want to rustle myself awake and move around to do as simple a task as taking out the trash, sometimes the feeling...let me revise that...quite often the feeling follows after the decision has been made and the body is in motion.

Projects

Another piece of advice I have for coping with depression is to channel your frustrations in projects. When I'm depressed, I throw myself into my work. Hell, Doomed & Stoned started because I needed a project to pour myself into. My counselor asked me once, "If you woke up tomorrow without depression, what would be different about your world?"

She encouraged me to start with the things that were in my immediate vicinity. "Well, there wouldn't be mail strewn all over the floor. My dirty clothes would be in the hamper, my clean clothes folded and put away. I'd take the time to cook myself a meal, instead of running out the door eating a quick bite out of some package."

Good, let's make a list and start there. Do at least one of the things on your list between now and the time we meet again next week.

Talks

Despite my isolationist ways, I begrudgingly admit that talking often helps, too. Though I'm an introvert and am horrified at the idea of sharing my feelings with others, I've reached points in my depression where I was compelled to tell others about it. It's as natural to do that as to cry out when your body is experiencing jolting pain. I'm one of those verbal processors that tends to sort through my problems by talking to someone else. Often, pride or shame or lack of trust gets in the way of sharing with our family and friends, so at the very least the much talked about Suicide Prevention Hotline could actually help you gain perspective on your situation.

Journals

If you don't talk, at least journal. Again, I'm not a journaler and this is the first time in almost three decades that I've written about anything related to my depression. Role play with me. You're a scientist studying the human psyche. How would you describe those feelings you call depression? When I was first asked to describe it to a counselor, I found myself at a loss for words. She helped me with prompts:

Can you tell me what it feels like?

"I walk around feeling like a dark, thick raincloud is hovering all around me all the time."

Do you feel it in a part of your body?

"Well, yeah, I guess. The head. And the chest. It feels like there's pressure building from all around me, like my head is going to explode. My heart feels like it's going to leap out of my chest."

What's happening around you when these feelings arise?

I'd then go on to detail some recent happenings. She'd press me further to describe the kinds of thoughts racing through my head in these situations. All of this was really helpful in getting me to define this nebulous, gray malaise that was following me everywhere I went.

I don't keep a journal, per se. Something about it feels needlessly egotistical, a vain attempt to reinforce the illusion in our YouTube fame crazy world that my life is worth discovering and remembering at some point in the distant future. And yet, writing down one's thoughts can be another effective way of untangling that anxious ball of feelings that keeps me from thinking rationally about the depression I'm feeling.

Today is my birthday, but I couldn't care less. It's not about getting old. I stopped caring about that 10 years ago. It's something about celebration, specifically when the attention is on me. I can't adequately describe how contemptuous I find it. My last birthday was spent alone in an empty house and a bottle of Scotch, catching up with past seasons of Game of Thrones. I was so glad it was over and the happy birthday wishes stopped. There's nothing special about this day for me.

At some point, my family stopped celebrating birthdays and holidays. I'm not sure when it happened or why. Certainly not for religious reasons, more probably for financial ones. I grew up in a family that barely scraped by, so birthdays seemed a luxury we couldn't afford. Now, it just feels indulgent. More than that, it feels sad. It reminds me of all the disappointments, hurts, and failures of the past year. It's not as though it's all bad, of course. If nothing else my birthday gives the illusion that a chapter has turned, with new possibilities for the future. I also have to come to terms with how many people out there actually seem to care about me, maybe even love me.

And later that day, I forced myself to go to a show I was quite enthused about, but didn't factor in depression being the party pooper.

I can't account for what it is that comes over me. There are people here that genuinely like me, who probably even want to get to know me better, but I push them away. Not so much directly, but indirectly, by excusing myself to use the restroom and then changing my mind midway and just leaving the venue -- without even the courtesy of a "goodbye" to friends or a "great show" to the bands. I feel awful about it afterwards, but in that moment it's like a flood of emotional pain washes over me and it feels like I'm carrying an anchor chained around my neck. I feel the great urge to find my way to unlit corners. To look busy and preoccupied. Would it hurt me to say hello? To smile? Perhaps not, but right now my psyche is tingling like some kind of Spidey Sense telling me, "Get out of here! Just get your shit and leave...NOW."

As dour and hopeless as that may feel, just the act of writing it down afforded me a release, which incidentally I did not feel until the writing was all said and done.

Hope, a new beginning Time, time to start living Just like just before we died

Hurt, falling through fingers Trust, trust in the feeling There's something left inside There's no going back to the place we started from.

ONE MORE THING

For those of you who are wondering what you can do for a friend, family member, coworker or just someone you know casually from shows you both frequent, I couldn't say it better than one of my longtime fellow travelers in doom, who offered up this advice:

"While it's all very well and fucking dandy that there are so many people telling those who are struggling to reach out to them, I don't think people are quite understanding just how mental illness works sometimes. People quite often don't reach out, because those that are suffering from mental illness, at times, feel like they are a burden by unloading their shit onto someone else, despite the invitation to do so. It's generally the same concept that leads on to suicide.

I obviously can't speak for everyone, but I can speak for myself when I say the last thing I want to do is reach out to anyone because I feel like I am a burden and everyone would be better off without me -- and that is ultimately why I don't reach out. The point that I'm trying to get at is if you see someone struggling YOU reach the fuck out. If you don't see someone who used to be around, YOU reach the fuck out. Think about it. It's not that hard."

Well said and completely on the mark. At the same time, if you're feeling alone and uncared for, you may look at people’s lack of inquiry as more confirmation that you are worthless trash. You may interpret a busy person's slight as utter rejection. Don't worry about what others may or may not think of you. You need to take care of you, for you. The future is fickle. Your fortunes can change on a dime, so why base your self-worth and your decision about whether to live or die by how you feel right now? Ride it out, seek out help, get a game plan in play.

I say this as someone who knows how hard it can be to get mental health. I was double insured -- through my employer and the Veterans Administration -- and I couldn't get a god damned psychiatric appointment to reevaluate and adjust my meds. I called all over town trying to get in with someone. "Sorry, we're not accepting new patients" was the universal refrain. The VA would just be too many month's wait, I told myself, based upon how long it has taken me in the past to get a conventional medical appointment. In desperation, I called up my primary care doctor who asked if I was suicidal. For the first time in my life, I knew with full certainty the answer was yes. The more miserable I felt, the more I contemplated dying. If I did it, it would be something quick and sudden, I would daydream in my most despondent moment. "You need to check yourself into the hospital now," she told me adamantly. I did exactly that. I walked into the ER and told them I was suicidal. They led me to a room, had me take off all my clothes, and put on a hospital gown. I stayed in a padded room waiting for a social worker to see me. It was a desperate move, but it did pay off in getting me fast-tracked to see a psychiatrist.

One thing I learned about medication from my new psychiatrist (because he was very caring, very careful, and hence very effective at his job) is that everyone’s brain chemistry is uniquely different. There can be other issues impacting mood, too, such as thyroid, environmental stressors, sleep problems, vitamin deficiencies, and so on. Again, it’s often hard to see whether the cart is leading the horse or the horse is leading the cart, in terms of the mind-body connection. Long story short, this doctor adjusted my meds to near perfection to get me through the rare summer-long depression I was experiencing.

Just a few months later, he got hired away to work for the County and I was left back in the same boat once again. I got a great referral, but didn't realize until bills came in I couldn't pay that the doctor was out of my insurance network. Believe me, many people prefer to go without care entirely than to go into debt and I was one of them (truthfully, I still am). I went another year until I couldn't take it anymore and this time in my desperation reached back out to the VA. Surprisingly, they saw me within a week and prioritized my suicidal depression. I'm now in a good spot as a result, but it was a long, windy, uncertain road getting here. I know it's hard to find help. Sometimes you don't know what's available to you until you knock a little louder and get people's attention.

The older I get, it seems the more stubborn I am, particularly when it comes to reaching out and asking for help. Perhaps I've always been that way and am only now realizing it's become a liability. After taking off three weeks during the holidays to catch up with the many projects that were piling up around me, I realized that my depression was sometimes stronger than my will to power through and do my best work. I would find myself sitting at the computer for hours trying to get started with a story, trying to edit audio for a podcast, trying to prepare a team member's submission for publication, and every time I would find myself coming up against something painful, perhaps similar to the long recognized creative crimp known as writer's block. I describe it as an inhibitor chip in my brain that sends pain signals to my psyche whenever I contemplate moving forward.

Of course, rationally, I know it's all just a matter of the will, right? That's what those who aren't experiencing depression will tell you, at least. They don't want to go to the gym, but they make the choice to do it anyway, so why can't you just "man up" and do what needs to be done? Well, those aren't so much the messages other people give me, as they are my own conscience. The guilt itself from a day coming and going without results adds its own layer of complication to my mood. Thankfully, I have a wonderful counselor who understands and is helping me to tackle this with cognitive strategies. This, coupled with sensible medical treatment, has at least helped me to find "even flow" again.

Finally, you're going to have some bad days where you may even want to be productive, but your body feels like it's in revolt. As a creative person who loves to pour myself into as many projects as I can when I'm feeling good, it can be extraordinarily frustrating to not even feel the will to check email, open a letter, or listen to a stitch of music. Most days, I'm trying to work in concert with my body's natural rhythms. I'm more of a morning person and get my best work done between 8AM and 11AM. Anything after that is going to be hit or miss with diminishing returns. With that in mind, I have to hold back from starting new projects before the ones already on my plate are finished, because when I'm feeling good, I think I can take on the world.

This is all a part of me rediscovering what it's like to feel balanced, bright, and in love with life. It can be frustrating to have that feeling back, only to watch it wither away as the week progresses. Since I have very high expectations of myself, it's natural for me to heap guilt upon guilt for all the missed opportunities, but beating myself up only compounds the problem (it took me a long time to really get this about myself, too). Every day is a struggle, but I've decided I'm staying in the fight for the long haul.

In short: Be patient with yourself. Be fair with yourself. Be good to yourself. Remember, this too shall pass.

"Someday you're going to die, just like some day I'm going to die. But until then, you fight like hell to stay alive, you get that?!"

-- William Holden, The Earthling (1980)

#Closer To The End #Depression #Suicide #Doom #Metal #Saint Vitus #Trouble #Alice in Chains #Windhand #Doomed & Stoned

[soldierwatch]

             name ➔   ghost 

are you single ➔  i am »this close« to being married to @animosus

are you happy ➔  yeah, & it’s cause my lil sib spent two hours talking to me about reflective awoken eyes in dstny. just imagine trying to take a flash-photo of an awoken

are you angry? ➔   Pure Rage is my constant state of being.

are your parents still married ➔  surprisingly

NINE FACTS

birth place ➔  i’m a new yorker ;; lived in the country side of the state, though.  

hair color ➔   dark brown 

eye color ➔    blue w/ central heretochromia in both eyes ( the only hetero thing about me ). if you’re unfamiliar, it means i’ve got a golden ring around my pupils. when i was a kid, i didn’t know what it was, & i used to think my eyes were on fire.

birthday ➔   jan 27th ; me & mozart are birthday buddies.

mood ➔  4:59 is the current mood, my men.

gender ➔  genderfluid w/ preference for male pronouns

summer or winter ➔   winter, because i like when i get to wake up in the mornings under warm blankets. you can always bundle up in winter. ...but i like summer activities.

morning or afternoon ➔ i like mornings so long as i don’t have to be up super early for somethin’ i don’t wanna be doing. 

EIGHT THINGS ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE

are you in love ➔   i’m in love with jack morrison

do you believe in love at first sight ➔    not even a little bit. that’s ridiculous. 

who ended your last relationship ➔   i’ve never had a real relationship before grey

have you ever broken someone’s heart ➔   lmfaooo yup. i told them it’d happen. they had it coming. ...they were a p good friend before everything went to shit tho.

are you afraid of commitments ➔    i have nightmares about commitments.

have you hugged someone within the last week? ➔   ... :( no i don’t think so

have you ever had a secret admirer ➔   yeah, but they didn’t really try to keep it a ‘secret.’ 

have you ever broken your own heart? ➔   no but 2018 sure fucking did a good enough job FOR me. in all seriousness, my love goes hard for those i lost that year.

SIX CHOICES

love or lust ➔  love ; PLATONIC love. i’m not into romance.

lemonade or iced tea ➔   or

cats or dogs ➔    cats, w/ their li’l paws n’ soft foreheads.

a few best friends or many regular friends ➔  a few best friends, tbh. i don’t do well w/ trying to keep up w/ a lot of people.

wild night out or romantic night in ➔   wild night in,,,

day or night ➔  night, when it transitions into day. so, dawn, i guess. …so long as it’s not when i have to wake up. …i prefer dawn if i’ve stayed up all night and don’t need to be going to work lmao.

FIVE HAVE YOU EVERS

been caught sneaking out ➔    i’m too much of a goody-two-shoes to have ever even thought about sneaking out.

fallen down/up the stairs ➔   so many times. :(

wanted something/someone so badly it hurt? ➔   g o d. you ever just fucking MISS someone ??

wanted to disappear ➔  so, like—in the book John Dies @ The End ( my fave ) there are these Shadow Men, right ?? and if they touch you, they completely wipe you from existence. you’re just GONE from EVERYTHING like you never existed——if they were real i would NOT hesitate to let one grab me.

FOUR PREFERENCES

smile or eyes ➔   I find myself staring at smiles more, but I like eyes.

shorter or taller ➔  doesn’t matter so long as i can Pick Them Up

intelligence or Attraction ➔   compatability lmfao,,,

hook-up or relationship ➔  relationship tbh

FAMILY

do you and your family get along ➔  yyyyyeah for the most part.

would you say you have a “messed up life” ➔  i wouldn’t. my ROOM is messy, my life is not. i’m just a weak baby.

have you ever ran away from home ➔    lmfao i tried to when i was, like, six. i got to the end of the neighborhood and turned back around.

have you ever gotten kicked out ➔   the threat has been made multiple times, but now that i’m actually All Moved Out it doesn’t matter.

FRIENDS

do you secretly hate one of your friends ➔   i don’t play that fake-friend shit. if i don’t like someone, we aren’t friends.

do you consider all of your friends good friends ➔  mmm,,, yes ? but not, like. on a deep-connection level ? like. they’re all Good People To Have As Friends, but, like. there’s a lot i keep to Myself w/ no intention of ever sharing—so i guess it’s my fault i won’t let people be ‘good friends.’

who is your best friend ➔  @animosus & also my lil sibling.

who knows everything about you ➔ the lil sib, cause they’re forced to listen to all my shit. 

tagged by: yoinked it. tagging: @animosus // @mulltitudinous // @greenxscarves // @owobunnyowo // @walcure // @preservedhearts // you !!

#ஃ ➡ ᶤ'ᵐ ᵗʰᵉ ᵒᵗʰᵉʳ ᵒᶰᵉ ( ooc ) #ஃ ➡ ᶤ'ᵐ ᵗʰᵉ ᵒᶰᵉ ʷʰᵒ ᵈᵒᵉˢ ʰᶤˢ ʲᵒᵇ ( dash memes )

[haunthearted]

I wanted to recommend a very good website, especially to my trans, dysphoric or dissociative followers.

Gender Analysis is a very well researched, well-sourced website about the trans experience. I take whatever opportunities I can to write polite, good-faith, educational replies to people on Reddit who don't "get" trans things, and I always rely heavily on GA because whatever the topic, there will be an article filled with the original scientific papers rebutting transphobic viewpoints. It can also be useful for supporting conversations with parents/friends, because it has the primary research right there. For example, today I learnt that all the concept of Rapid Onset Gender Dysphoria ("my kid got a tumblr and now she says shes transgender because of peer pressure!") originated on three anti-trans websites, and despite its official-sounding name, has no research behind it. I knew that intellectually, but it's powerful to have the evidence clearly there for you.

Zinna Jones is one of the key writers there, and you may know her other work as she's been a prominent internet trans human for many years (how she has the courage and spoons for that, I will never know). One of her key experiences of gender dysphoria was depersonalisation: a weird, fuzzy, not-quite-thereness. On beginning hormones, it cleared up immediately: she had an "I didn't know what wrong felt like until I started feeling right" experience, as well you might if feeling oddly absent is your normal day-to-day experience. Because it wasn't a focus of how dysphoria was written about while she was coming up, she's done a lot of writing and research on it at Gender Analysis: describing what it felt like, researching comparable experiences in other trans narratives, and most recently trialing an anti-dissociative drug to see how it affected her.

Many of us come to ghosthood due to experiencing similar things to Jones - a not-quite-thereness, an oddness, a sense of timelessness and dislocation. Some of us very clearly associate it with trauma, a mental illness, or gender dysphoria; for others, it's just part of the fabric of life. I would like to recommend reading her posts on this particular topic to anyone who experiences something similar.

Now, if you relate to what she writes it doesn't mean you're transgender - don't panic - as varieties of depersonalisation can be a symptom of all sorts of other things - especially trauma and trauma-related conditions like BPD/CPTSD. But you might still find her descriptions useful.

On the other hand, if you are identifying as transgender and wondering if hormones are for you, you might find it validating or helpful.

(and because the world is horrible, there's no small chance that trans people are also traumatised. There's a great pair of posts that I'm sure you've already read, "That was dysphoria?" - but also her follow up, in which she re-experiences some of those symptoms as a depression.)

Finally, a recent post series explored an anti-depersonalisation drug, which you might be interested in exploring as an option for yourself. I had no idea there was such a thing!

In short, I was re-reading the archives this morning, and it occurred to me that a great many followers here might appreciate or find these posts useful. Make of them what you will, and best wishes to you all x

A tonne more thoughts after the cut:

This isn't meant to be "a trans blog", so I'm not going to focus on this too often. But certainly for me, Jones' posts really spoke to me and my experiences. I think there's a real danger in underselling how weird gender dysphoria feels. One sort of expects or assumes gender dysphoria is "I hate my breasts because I am a man"; there isn't so much written about how it can be "I'm tired, I don't really care, everything seems hollow and false, but I can't imagine life being any different because it's what I've always known, and it's not clearly anything to do with gender". That's been my experience - and it's incredibly hard to spot. I've been through six diagnoses since I was a teen (OCD, depression, anxiety, BPD, ADHD, autism), because while I've always been clearly unwell, it's hard to pinpoint gender dysphoria when it just manifests as brainweird, especially when that brainweird is you normal, as it was for Jones.   For example, I've never really recognised my own face in the mirror. Weird, but whatever. When I was considering hormones last year, I decided to take up weightlifting as part of my experimentation process. It would allow me to see how I felt about developing a more masculine body, in a controlled way, and as someone who *hates* exercise, it would also be a useful test of commitment: was I dysphoric enough to motivate me to go to the gym? Because if not, I probably was not dysphoric enough to transition either. Well, I went three times a week and followed the correct food recommendations for building muscle until I could no longer afford either; and then it happened. I looked in the mirror and it was like a visceral, immediate shock of recognition. And now I can't unsee it. Every time I look in the mirror, my brain immediately pings back "nice Robert Plant vibe you got there man", which is ridiculous; no one else on the planet would see me and think that. But that very small amount of muscle, and slightly-more-masculine-shoulder/arm-profile, was enough to make my brain recognise itself for the first time.

Sometimes you don't understand what "wrong" feels like until you have "right" to compare it to.

(I think those of us with early experience of abuse might also relate to that; the way that being loved and respected by a good person later in life can be both shocking, and bring on a period of processing and heavy reflection because it illustrates how very wrongly you were treated before. Even if you know it intellectually,  just the experience can be profound. Certainly, I've got a few experiences of not-being-taken-advantage-of which were absolutely shattering, like I was being taught how to love myself for the first time.)

And as you might expect, I'm also feeling very reluctant to pursue transition. This sort of nebulous dysphoria is, well - . I envy very much the "I knew I was trans from the moment I hit puberty because I hated the gender I was living in" people, who clearly see gender as their problem. It's very hard to contemplate something as life-changing as transition when its motivated by an increasing certainty that the only cure for my incurable mental ill is a different hormone balance, and as many days I have where I ask myself why I didn't transition 5 years ago already, I have others where I know I'll have to be dragged kicking and screaming through the process as my last resort.

Like, a few years ago I was at a "Even if I am transgender, I think I'd rather live as a woman [for reasons]" point; and now I'm at a "I would still rather live as a woman, but I am desperate to have enough disposable income to buy a really nice set of towels and maybe transition would make me well enough to not only work, but have a real career, and maybe I could buy a car, and go on holiday, and start buying tailored clothes instead of charity shop, and maybe redecorate my house in faux-Victorian style, and I really don't care if everybody hates me and I no longer have a coherently cisgender body, I would do anything to be able to afford unusual cheeses and teas rather than subsisting on stew" point. It sounds so shallow, but there it is; because so many of the problems I have don't feel dysphoria-related, because I'm only understanding them as dysphoria-related because nothing else has made an impact, my focus is increasingly on the little things in life I want to achieve, and maybe could achieve if my brainweird was fixed. I'm now fairly sure that if/when I do transition physically, I'll continue to recognise myself more, and realise how much of an impact physical dysphoria was having.

But it's what I know. And like Hamlet says, easier to bear the struggles we know than fly to others that we know not of.

Sidenote:

Intermittently, you'll see approaches which try to set up trans or mentally ill people as enemies to otherkin people, like the two experiences cannot co-exist, or like otherkin people ought to take the fall for the way transphobic use them as an anti-trans "gotcha". I personally find this very frustrating: I prefer approaches which are open, rather than closed off. Many/most of my followers here are either trans, mentally ill, have trauma, experience dysphoria or some other unspecified bodyweird/brainweird. In real life, I have four otherkin/therian/furry friends - and they too all meet that description. {There are also many otherkin who see their history as spiritual or religious, who aren't trans/mentally ill/traumatised, or who don't really know the source of their experiences - all of which is also OK!}.

I would always prefer to take a holistic and compassionate approach to the way experiences can overlap, rather than a combatative/competitive/polarised one; any hostile or fightin' talk messages/replies will be ignored, blocked or deleted as appropriate, because that's not a value I have for my online space. Although I'm open to discussing or exploring it, so please don't hold back if you want to talk about your experiences in good faith.

In short, there is a fairly significant overlap between people who come to identify as transgender/dysphoric/mentally ill, and those who come to identify as otherkin, or who might temporarily identify with one of those experiences while figuring things out  - and this post is for them. Politics makes things sound so simple and clean-cut, but people are messy and complex, and I'd much rather help individuals navigate and explore their experiences - even if they are contradictory, or don't support my political goals. Trying to figure out brainweird and bodyweird is challenging enough, without making people tread on eggshells during the process.

#ghostly self care #queer spectrality #ghostkin

[bk-lostintranslation]

Shoddy Shodō / Commentaries on Globalization

We prefer the foppish superficiality of the Japonaiserie to the more prismatic understanding necessary for Japonisme – because the latter rests on the premise of cultivating an understanding of others, and therefore of ourselves...

One needn't be a Zen philosopher to appreciate the elegant simplicity of Japanese calligraphy. An intriguing juxtaposition of stark yet subdued, there is an undeniable dynamism to the text that attests to the visual nature of Japanese aesthetics themselves.  More engaging still is the preparation and ritual imbued within the art:  the water poured into the dark slab of the inkstone, the hand-carved sumi ground against the edge of the basin, the translucent washi paper held down by paperweights, the elegant little compartments for paintbrushes and the rows of glossy ink bottles. During the lesson, when taking everything out and arranging it around the table, there was a pleasing sense of harmony – but also of playfulness, not unlike having a tea-party for dolls. The effect, in my case, was unfortunately spoiled when I first dipped my paintbrush into the ink – then immediately made an ugly blot on the paper.    

Considered one of the most highly regarded forms of Japanese art, calligraphy – or shodō – is perhaps as recognizably tied to Japanese culture as cherry blossoms, ukiyo-e woodblock prints, geisha, kabuki, Hokusai's The Wave or iconic shots of Mt. Fiji (Aato, et al, 2013). Yet this fascination and growing preeminence of the Japanese visual form abroad is by no means a corollary of the recent Japanization-wave that has seen the nation's culture surfacing as a global phenomenon. If anything, as far back as the nineteenth century, Japanese aesthetics have wielded a tremendous influence on their Western counterparts, beginning with the Meiji Restoration, when Japanese imports first began to trickle into European markets.  

Artistic motifs and geometric designs unique to Japanese art were emulated; Japonisme, as defined by Philippe Burty, became a veritable craze in the West. Everything from furniture, crockery, textiles, architecture and performance arts borrowed from stylistic elements unique to Japan. Cloisonne techniques were applied to vases and jewelry; furniture was ebonized to emulate the gloss of Japanese laquerwork (Ji & Ukai, 2013; Ono, 2005). Household names such as Degas, Cassatt, Bonnard, Manet and Van Gogh were inspired by Nipponese woodblock prints, whose refined simplicity and distinct use of figures, shadows, colors and compositions allowed for greater flexibility from traditional artistic conventions. Indeed, Van Gogh would go so far as to claim "...all my work is in a way founded on Japanese art" (Nute, 2000, p. 13)     

Today, vibrant skeins of Japanese art and culture continue to weave themselves through the fabric of daily life. Whether it is dining on gas-station sushi, flipping through the pages of a popular manga at the nearest Barnes and Noble, browsing online for Harajuku-inspired fashions (Milk, Bape, COMME des GARÇONS), sprintzing on the latest perfumes by Issey Miyake or Kenzo, gawping at Takashi Murakami's sakura-infused collaboration with Louis Vuitton – or practicing the ancient art of shodō all the way out in a Texas University – there is no denying that Japanese cultural and artistic trends have proliferated the unlikeliest places. Pink globalization, the proliferation of the kawaii, the superflat, the moe; earnest debates about the art of minimalism as embodied by wabi-sabi, academic works on the iconography and semiotics of anime – the sheer scope of Japanese aesthetic concepts abroad is testament to their transnational allure.      

For many, this enjoyment of all things Japan stems from the nation's protean and hybrid culture itself – one that absorbs multiple outside influences and reinvents them into something undeniably its own. Others argue that this very fixation – almost a fetishization – of all things distinctly Japan-flavored may not be a modern translation of adulatory Japonisme at all, but of the more unkind Japonaiserie, which refers to the superficial transference of Japanese style into Western art, but can also be applied to the broader typecasting of Japan as an exoticized wonderland within which commodity fetishism and orientalist idealization converge.   

The question, then, becomes:  is the image of modern Japan that is absorbed abroad today merely loaded with all the concomitant denotations of cultural otherness, similar to the Japan-fever saturating Europe decades before – or is this obsession with the 'authentic' ethos of Japan the true crux of the issue?   Jean Paul Sartre, of course, has argued that, "If you seek authenticity for authenticity’s sake, you are no longer authentic" (Daigneault, 2000, p. 25). Taken in that sense, true Japaneseness means little on its own. The very notion that in order for something – whether a concept or an object– to be considered Japanese, it must be rigidly and uniformly Zen or Shinto, or unspoiled by the diluting forces of globalization, is patently ridiculous. The different facets of Japanese aesthetics have long been imbued with both ancient philosophies and Western influences alike, in a bricolage that some have dubbed schizophrenic, others multivalent – but which remind us that Japan's relationship with modernization has not been a seamless overnight transition from rustic, Edo-period mura to the glittering neon-soaked streets of Ginza, but an ongoing, discordant and often self-contradictory process that at once borrows from, and lends itself to, external influences.   

Yet, no matter how multifaceted the origins of Japanese aesthetics, or how versatile their range – from a gorgeous Kabuki play of Aoi no Ue to a secondhand store selling lacy Gothic Lolita dresses to my own pitiful attempts at shodō without even a rudimentary inkling of its Zen tenets – the fact remains that these principles are translated as undeniably Japanese abroad (Berger, 2010; Dorman, 2016; McKevitt, 2017). More to the point, in crossing geographic and cultural borders, they become almost emblems of Japaneseness. They are consumed, copied, critiqued for that very quality – a fact that once again harkens back to Sartre's remarks on authenticity: If the self-conscious Japaneseness of these aesthetics is the root of their appeal, are they truly Japanese at all?  Or have they merely become hollow self-referential symbols – a Japan not celebrated as Japonisme, but its blander, shallower cousin of Japonaiserie, which posits pretty fluff and frippery as valuable based simply on their 'cool Japan' provenance?   

To be sure, these concerns have been raised before. Issues with nation branding and soft power have been brought up consistently when examining the worldwide dissemination of Japanese culture and aesthetics. Prominent theorists from Koichi Iwabuchi to Joseph S Nye have remarked on how the carefully crafted face of Japan abroad is meant to foster certain ideas and images; to render Japan a personality that is implicitly institutionalized, and to socialize the rest of the world to a particular viewpoint. Similarly, in her book Pink Globalization: Hello Kitty’s Trek Across the Pacific, Christine Reiko Yano notes how works on nation-branding utilize the "language of marketing," and how the act itself is dependent on "the image others hold" (2013, p. 259).  In essence, by packaging itself abroad, the nation 'others' itself. It transforms its cultural legacy into a collectible object d'art. It can even be said that the very act of nation-branding is an indulgence in the nation's own objectification.  

While this strategy may seem workable from a marketing standpoint, with Japanese art and pop culture serving as a vital export and a tool of diplomacy (MacWilliams, 2015), there is also a disquieting whiff of the transactional that enters the equation – and in particular devalues the relationship between the aesthetic creation and its appreciator. Aficionados of Japanese art and tradition would like to believe that their relationship with the works they love and the nation they spring from is more nuanced than simply consumer and product. The very conception that it might be otherwise erases the link between not only the maker and the product but the seller and the consumer, devolving the cultural output into hollow merchandise unto itself.   In his work, The Rhetoric of Soft Power: Public Diplomacy in Global Contexts, Craig Hayden notes that,

While it is evident that culture appears to predominate in Japanese soft power, the application of culture, both in public arguments and embodied programs and initiatives, suggests a marked tendency toward objectification of culture through products ... [Yet] the value of culture for soft does not stem from its intrinsic capacity to convey deep-seated values or to establish credibility by demonstrating Japanese policy motives – culture "works" by providing a means of access to further engagement with Japan, as part of a fan community, as a student of language, etc. Culture in this sense reflects the networks of connection (2012).

With that in mind, it is difficult to envision that level of connectivity emerging from a purely commercial model of culture. It is equally difficult to imagine this particular strategy of soft power benefiting Japan in the long run. Playful lessons in calligraphy, zany volumes of manga, picturesque Zen garden kits and the frilly extravaganza of Lolita fashion subcultures are all intriguing facets of Japan in and of themselves. But they are not the entirety of Japan – and the very notion that they might be runs afoul of constructing the "Japanese social body as an imagined wholeness (McRoy, 2008, p. 93)." 

More to the point, this over-reliance on tired bromides and artistic stereotypes calls to attention the dangerous Orientalism tacit in both Western consumption of Japanese cultural and aesthetic input, and Japan's own marketing and masquerading of itself as a playground of the fantastical or eccentric – an act that precludes complex global discourse based on mutual learning as well as enjoyment. As Chitty, Ji, Rawnsley and Hayden note, the issue with Japan's formula of "glib branding schemes is the impossibility of capturing the full sweep of Japan's diversity..." and that "public diplomacy ought to be more profound than a beauty contest (p. 410-412)."   

This does not imply, of course, that Japan's efforts to promote itself on the global stage are without merit. As mentioned, Japanese art forms – from Kabuki to calligraphy, from video games to anime – are hailed as vital facets in a broader strategy for fostering both foreign policy and economic growth. Yet, the key to their commercial success, sheathed within pontifications of "cultural odorlessness", is a self-conscious localizatization, or perhaps even "glocalization", which impels Japan to tailor its culture as a product that best fits its contextual reception (Hayden, 2012; Iwabuchi, 2007).   To be fair, where marketization is concerned, culture becomes as easy to convert into a commodity as anything else. But the involvement of money flattens this mode of self-promotion by rendering it public – and by proxy, entrenched in the civic and legal hallmarks of consumption, as all merchandise is. The moment anything – an idea, an item, a sentiment – is placed on sale, its inherent value is measured solely in terms of its economic merit, and therefore its quantifiability.  

It was intriguing to note the internalization of this mindset during the calligraphy lesson. As fellow students grappled with their brushes and dribbled ink across the rice-paper (which, I confess, appealed to my horrid sense of schadenfreude), our chief complaints comprised of "Why isn't this easier?" – "I thought it would be more fun" – "Why aren't I instantly perfect at this?"    Yet, as the teacher was quick to remind us earlier in the lesson, calligraphy – as the purest form of ideography – requires kinetic grace as well as inner focus, neither of which are possible with a rigid composition, especially not on the first try. Easiness, fun and perfection are not the point of the endeavor – the process is. Yet the process is difficult to appreciate when one is accustomed to seeing their enjoyment of Japanese 'products' as transactional – no different from flipping through manga, or browsing the selection of anime on Netflix, or placing a Japanese BB-cream in an online shopping basket at Sephora.   

How does one immerse themselves in the conceptual complexities of an aesthetic when he or she is so used to viewing the culture from within an economic model, where even something as benign as a shodō class absolutely must, somehow, telegraph the entertainment value associated with Japan, as a place of "fantasy and difference? (Anheier, 2011, p. 277)   It is a reminder, that hand-in-hand with quantification goes decontextualization. That, in turn, brings us back to the dilemma of Japonisme versus Japonaiserie – within which commodity fetishism masquerades as exoticism, playing up to Western constructions of an enchanted but ultimately reductionist view of Japan. Learning about another culture should, in theory, be more broad-ranging and multi-faceted than that. There should be a sense of both parties engaging each other over the landscape of the art, the language, the history.      

Yes, we have crossed the point where conceptions of Japanese culture and aesthetics can be understood as statically mystical, existing in a space completely separated from politics or pedagogy. Yet we do ourselves a disservice by imbibing only prettily-packaged, surface-level tokens of would-be Japaneseness – and Japan's soft-power strategy a greater disservice for pandering to it.

Perhaps it is a dark casualty of globalization, to forge not connections but new methods for labeling the objects of our interest into purely superficial categories based on their consumptive appeal, because to examine them from a broader lens runs the risk of them examining us in turn. Far tidier and safer to classify each other, with meta-tags and marketing, into archetypes and icons to consume without any tangible outcomes of a bilateral exchange. Here is a Geisha in a colorful kimono, coyly twirling a parasol – an exoticized symbol of feminine Otherness as much as a performative embodiment of iki. Here is a cup of sake, sipped with no substantive appreciation for its quality, but for the mere fact that it is an extension of the would-be unusual smorgasbord of Japanese cuisine. Here is the shodō lesson designed to suit the American temperament – Zen-free and upholding no aesthetic stance beyond being a straightforward source of amusement.    It is easier to absorb the classifications posited by fetishized images of Japan, and Japan's internalization of that fetishization for marketing and nation-branding, so we can imagine we know the culture without actually knowing it, and to ourselves avoid being known. Why not, when classification conveniently precludes in-depth judgement?   

There is an inherent cowardice in this strategy of soft power – for both parties engaged in the dance. There is a shortsightedness to this act of self-definition which is dependent on flawed teleology and a trap of circular logic wherein culture is served up as a commodity to be devoured, yet the power and resonance in that strategy remains dubious at best, limited at worst. Or perhaps that is the point, because it allows for the luxury of atomizing another culture on our own terms, while conveniently avoiding the dialogic parity that can only emerge with each party possessing an equally strong and honest voice (Tabachnick & Koivukoski, 2004).  

We prefer the foppish superficiality of the Japonaiserie to the more prismatic understanding necessary for Japonisme – because the latter rests on the premise of cultivating an understanding of others, and therefore of ourselves, while the former provides an easy means to evade an external gaze that tells us something about ourselves we aren't comfortable with confronting. It is easier to project a one-dimensional persona into a realm of the same. It is easier buy into the delusion that we have hermetically sealed ourselves and others into an airtight wrapper of self-affirmation – and to cling to it with a blind, nearly onanistic tenacity.   

References

Anheier, H. K., & Isar, Y. R. (2011). Cultures and globalization: heritage, memory & identity. Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage Publications.

Berger, A. A. (2010). Tourism in Japan: an ethno-semiotic analysis. Bristol: Channel View Publications.

Chitty, N., Ji, L., Rwansley, G. D., & Hayden, C. (2017). The Routledge handbook of soft power. London ; New York: Routledge, Taylor et Francis Group.

Daigneault, P. (2000). Sartres early moral theory. Routledge. Abingdon, UK.

Dorman, A. (2016). Paradoxical Japaneseness: cultural representation in 21st century Japanese cinema. London: Palgrave Macmillan.

Hayden, C. (2012). The rhetoric of soft power: public diplomacy in global contexts. Lanham, MD: Lexington Books.

Iwabuchi, K. (2007). Recentering globalization: popular culture and Japanese transnationalism. Durham: Duke University Press.

Ji, M., & Ukai, A. (2013). Translation, history and arts new horizons in Asian interdisciplinary humanities research. Newcastle: Cambridge scholars.

Macwilliams, M. W. (2015). Japanese visual culture explorations in the world of manga and anime. Abingdon: Routledge.

McKevitt, A. C. (2017). Consuming Japan: popular culture and the globalizing of 1980s America. Chapel Hill: The University of North Carolina Press.

McRoy, Jay (2008), “The Horror Is Alive. Immersion, Spectatorship, and the Cinematics of Fear in the Survival Horror Genre,” Reconstruction, Vol. 6, No. 1

Nute, K. (2000). Frank Lloyd Wright and Japan: the role of traditional Japanese art and architecture in the work of Frank Lloyd Wright. London : New York: Routledge.

Nye, J. S. (2004). Soft power: the means to success in world politics. New York: Public Affairs.

Ono, A. (2005). Japonisme in Britain: Whistler, Menpes, Henry, Hornel, and nineteenth-century Japan. London: RoutledgeCurzon.

Satō, S., Roshi, G. A., Fujiwara, S., & Sato, A. O. (2013). Shodo: the quiet art of Japanese Zen calligraphy: learn the wisdom of Zen through traditional brush painting. Tokyo: Tuttle Publishing.

Tabachnick, D., & Koivukoski, T. (2004). Globalization, technology, and philosophy. Albany, NY: State University of New York Press.

Yano, C. R. (2013). Pink globalization: Hello Kittys trek across the Pacific. Durham: Duke University Press.

#essay #academic writing #japan #shodo #calligraphy #soft power #globalization

[lovehaswonangelnumbers]

New Post has been published on https://lovehaswonangelnumbers.org/energetic-navigation-28-october-3-november/

Energetic Navigation 28 October – 3 November

Energetic Navigation 28 October – 3 November

By A Gift From Gaia

Progressively speeding up as we move deeper into the Solar Minimum and yet we have barely begun, the energy we find ourselves in is transforming those consciously aware rapidly, moving through realisations and releases almost hourly compared to how it was not so long ago when “things” would take “time”, of course, we realise that the “time” we took was again part of what required releasing and by releasing the lower aspects of this energy spectrum, the weighted time of the human linear way, it became Divine Time which simply showed the love within the energy, the light, and offers perfection in every moment. To exist in Divine Time is to be in a space of complete surrender, it’s a space where judgement would be self-sacrificing and defense creates internal wounds, Divine Time is the higher conscious view of Saturns playing ground and once you acknowledge our Lord and the rules on the gate he will gift you with the most magical experience as you release the restrictions of the lower octave programming we came to accept and be ruled by.

Breaking Free is a theme of energy that we have been surfing all this year, releasing from the Devil Tarot Card that represents the Capricorn energy, but as we know the Devil represents the low octaves of the human, the machine, the blind and so to use the old unconscious ways of the fear spectrum such as defense and judgment, blame and shame allows those loose chains to remain in place, those chains are not fixed, they are easily removed and so the choice to remain has always been yours.

The resistance creates disharmony, release brings magical celestial harmonics and with these Mars square Saturn and Pluto transits that are now reactivated for the next couple of weeks, the Mars square Saturn lined up yesterday and the Mars square Pluto is heading in now, we are continuing to learn how to ride this wild stallion, although perhaps some have mistakenly picked up the wild bull as it went charging past, see that’s a little different energy, the stallion holds heart, he can be tamed, the bull on the other hand doesn’t seem to hold the ability to connect, has no care, just wants to charge his angry self into every obstruction, and will eventually burn out his energy and most likely refuse to move for quite some time.

Both patterns, both rides are super important, those choosing the charging bull will no doubt learn to catch a ride with the stallion next time around and by that phase the chances are the bull will have allowed you to observe why you chose him, that the walls you had built up around, caked in unconscious belief systems posters and flyers to keep the truth of the wall hidden behind pretty dreamy pictures and fluff dressed in pity MUST come down.

This energy however you choose to move through is evolving us, taking us on lightspeed travels, zipping parts of our minds back into our ancient self, to retrieve data required for the now, and yet the next minute we are travelling with the ancient future self to receive the confirmation because the gems being retrieved are often beyond imagination and require boosts to fully understand the resonance and the codes held.

This means MORE raising of the physical body vibration, more listening to its requirements and acting in the moment as opposed to the old ways of waiting/weighting, which only ever slows us down, ignoring the most subtle signs of the body, even so much as making the request for thirst or hunger dissolve and opting for avoidance tactics signals to the body a lack of interest, a lack of unconditional love, there will be no self healing until EVERYTHING the body says is understood and innerstood, meaning we act upon everything, in the NOW because the now is the space in which we choose, now is The Creator of the ever evolving you.

This Mars energy we are experiencing is such a powerful clearing and creative energy if you understand how it behaves, and once that is understood we realise it is simply our own energy, emanating out from within and using the power of creation to highlight where our creation is not in harmony with our highest aligned timeline, and he is showing us the wounded masculine in its process of healing, as he is hot on the heels of the feminine, Venus, who is just one step ahead, Mars is focused, he is heading out of the underworld where he has been hidden behind the sun and he is now making the most out of this journey, fully aligned, fully committed to begin to unify with the feminine, the wounded masculine within is ready to support, ready to place his energy where it matters, within, to show his Queen her value, the true twin flame within, is ready to merge and become One very powerful light force energy.

What makes this more magical is that Saturn holds no expectation and the lesson is to realise it is the motion that matters, holding the awareness and making steady positive steps, in fact any speed or idea of rushing, pushing or charging ahead will only create an experience to understand patience, and again to step back into the flow of Divine Time allowing this to form so it can show you all the magical light gems along the way, and we don’t want to miss a single one, every light gem is so ridiculously valuable especially during this Dark Moon energy we have been surfing leading into todays Scorpio New Moon, which is opposing Uranus in Taurus, there is the bull again and he is acting rather jumpy with Uranus on his back, taking random turns, bucking and spinning, this is pure expect the unexpected energy, and for the cosmic surfers this is likely to bring a whole heap of new ideas and ways to underpin the new physical body vibrational upgrades you have been focusing on, this is something I noticed just a couple of days ago as myself and Reese, my son, have been adding some rather new and interesting things to our diets to assist on his road to recovery.

I would also like to just say a massive thank you to everyone who has been donating and sharing our fund, you have all encouraged him MORE than I could have imagined as he is now listening and open to trying natural ways to heal himself, a few days ago he would refuse ALL, didn’t believe anything would work other than the meds, we have so many new things and we are sharing them together, and yarrow tea seems to be quite a favourite. We had so many messages and a whole list of things to try which I read out to him, and talked to him about and just that, just by those messages of love from you all out there has helped him open up to receive and try more things to support this disease. We do have an awfully long road ahead of us though and we will still require some extra support as I am paying privately for Hydrotherapy sessions and so if these energetic navigation reports assistance you in anyway could I please ask for a small donation to the Help My Son Walk Again fund I have set up on GoFundMe (link below), however if you would rather donate through Paypal please do so using the email address – [email protected] or hit the link paypal.me/agiftfromgaia

What has been interesting to See in this is that there is a reflection of weakness, whilst I don’t have Ankylosing Spondylitis I have become aware we do have weakness in the same area which is why we are now healing this as One body, he is afterall a future version of myself, his template was created during times of dis-ease and of course this becomes the baseline frequency of his genetic makeup, so it makes sense we do this together.

But what this experience has been showing is exactly how this all works, how when you release all fear and restriction, when you listen to the requests of the body, when you care more, when you prioritise Self and plug only into that which nourishes, which incorporates all feeds that enter the field, then the experience becomes nothing short of enlightening and therefore rapid, the moment you release the push and the need what transpires is the flip, the rise and the expansion into new healthFULL experiences and by using the signposts being delivered by our celestial map it becomes an incredibly INjoyable transition.

The Scorpio New Moon energy takes us in deep, it allows so much to be seen and released to begin yet another transformative week that sees us welcoming in the backwards dance of Mercury in Retrograde, we are dredging the pool of Scorpio, we are digging away at the bottom and there will no doubt be more data to be found as ancient relics are unearthed giving us yet more clues as to why we find ourselves here and from these clues we will soon realise new paths opening up for us to journey.

This Mercury Retrograde is coupled with a solar wind prediction, we await the codes heading in and I will be back to translate. Stay present in the heart angels and open into pure acceptance for how the guidance moves us.

Please place a 💙 in the comment box to keep the heartbeat of A Gift from Gaia alive in the body of Facebook and please share the post or invite those you feel will resonate to this space, one small action can change the entire dynamics of a reality, you may just be turning on the light for someone lost in the dark.

Here is the GoFundMe page to support my son Reese and his healing, it is essential we get him walking now as we are already facing irreversible damage.

gf.me/u/v8gqjy

Thank you All 💙💙💙

*****

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