#this is too much for my autistic brain and body to handle

[roanthrufryalfer-blog]

I don't want to distrust my mother when she says she's not a slave driver, or trying to get money out of me. I don't. Especially as I'm 24 and shouldn't be feeling these teenage angst esque bouts of anti authoritarianism, let alone voicing them online.

But when she smells money, she wants work.

Yes, we're hard up and need the income. Yes, I'm a third of her age and can do certain things better than she can. No, I'm not against work in general.

But when she gets my head whirling with exhaustion at the mere prospect of a job I don't actually have, after I've worked so hard both to sign up to a temp agency and to get a full time job that's going to require a lot of physical strength, and I've had my induction day to said full time job, arranged to start work there one shift late so that I can work the temp job tomorrow for 12 hours on my feet, requiring us to get up by 5am (which hurts her way more than it hurts me but still ouch), and has the *gall* to say 'oh you could have done that' about a bar job working weekend nights, including one day I will have been working from stupidly early until mid afternoon, and the one weekend day I get off...

I hate this. I have to do it but I hate this.

#ignore me #overworked #feeling stressed #stressedout #employment #capitalism sucks #parent problems #teenage angst at 24 #wish I had more time to myself #why did I come back home from university #this is too much for my autistic brain and body to handle #i can't do this much physical work #i'm gay not strong #leave me alone #i just wanna kiss boys leave me alone

[nicki0kaye]

Some dumbass in the comment section of a youtube vid about how AI Art bros are jersk tried to make the argument that genetics determine talent and I kind of popped of. Turns out the comment thread I replied to is like 200+ comments deep and now no one is going to see my small novella about genetics v talent, so I've decided to share it here...IN TWO SEPARATE PARTS bc apparently it is too long and tumblr cant handle it alskdjflskjdf.

Hi, I'm the genetically gifted artist you're trying to cite for your argument. Both of my birth parents were artists in several fields and despite being adopted by a different family, I know that I've inherited most of their interests and am proficient at all of the things they excelled in; art, writing and performance to be specific. I now make a living as an artist.

You're also entirely wrong about how 'talent' works and how inheriting 'talent' works. What I inherited from my parents were their mental disorders. Adhd, Autism and chronic depression. Autism forced me to be far more observant of my peers if I wanted to have a social life. Adhd gifted me time blindness and the ability to hyperfocus on whatever tasks gave me dopamine, and Autism complimented that nicely with a shock to the nervous system when I was expected to change gears out of what I felt was safe into something I did not.

I had many avenues before me because of this; theatre was what my adopted parents assumed I would pursue. But then chronic depression came in with the steel chair at the end of highschool and no, no I did not do theatre, that shit takes too much energy for too long of a period of time.

So. Art.

Why am I so genetically good at art? Well, and this is again Probably The Autism, I'm very good at recognizing and retaining visual patterns, I'm super interested in body language and costuming and micro-expressions--all things I need to pay attention to if I wanted to be liked by allistic classmates--and drawing quite literally regulates my nervous system, so I'm gonna do it often just to cope.

I don't have a fucking 'artists' gene. I have a brain that is predisposed to certain pattern recognition and through access to resources (GLASSES, I AM BLIND AS SHIT AND WITHOUT GLASSES NONE OF THIS WOULD BE POSSIBLE) was able to find and cultivate hobbies that either worked with or helped regulate the myriad of bullshit I won through the genetic lottery.

I'm a good artist bc I put in the work. I put in the work bc my brain is wired to really like certain work. It didn't have to be art. If i were less depressed, it could have been theatre--either writing, performing or directing. If I was less autistic, it might have been something with more abstract thinking and less focused on decrypting human expression and repurposing it in ways that I Personally Like. If I was less ADHD, it could have been more academic studies, like Marine Biology since I really wanted to do that when I was little. If I didn't have exercised induced asthma, it could have been competitive swimming, bc my swim teacher really thought I had a gift for it. If I didn't have dyscalculia, it could have been something that involves number crunching and long distances, bc I don't understand that shit for beans, completely locking me out of a large chunk of possible careers.

And maybe without all of that, I wouldn't have had the perfect cocktail to give enough of a shit to be good at anything. Maybe I would have just been an office clerk, making a decent wage and filling my cubicle with anime figurines.

#AI art #AI art bros #talent #genetics #art #artist

[aspd-culture]

i’m kind of confused as another system, ik you said you might just delete asks but i hope this is okay bc i’m genuinely trying to understand your point and sincerely confused and asking for clarification

i see your point about neurological disorders being hardware and stuff but at the same time like. i’m autistic and i was diagnosed with autism because i display autistic symptoms. one of my alters displays no autistic symptoms and would not be diagnosed with autism if he individually was tested. so how does it make sense to say he’s autistic?

in the same vein one of my alters displays all the symptoms for dpd and was diagnosed with it when he was out while being tested, but i display none of them and don’t relate to it at all. how does it make sense to say i have dpd?

we share the same brain yes but if one of us shows and relates to no symptoms of a disorder then imo it doesn’t track at all to say we still have it because the host or brain or other alters do. same vein as i’m anorexic but if another alter comes out and has zero issue with eating or the concept of food it wouldn’t make sense to call them anorexic, but it doesn’t make me less anorexic

This one was in the drafts. I really don’t want to get into this again, but I think it’s only fair to post it as I had taken the time to write this anon and answer so I don’t feel I can say “this is too much for me to deal with” when all I need to do is format it and hit post. As mentioned previously, I will ignore or delete asks if they only pertain to this discourse (unrelated in any other way to ASPD) at my discretion. I pretty much never have had to do that, just a couple ableist people telling me how terrible pwASPD are. I don’t intent to do it often, and don’t want to do it at all, but I won’t drain myself to continue explaining why alters inside the same body cannot physically alter the structure of the brain by switching out.

Not displaying symptoms is different than not having them. A symptom holder is an alter who shows the most symptoms of the disorder, generally because they end up pushed to the front in situations that flare the disorder. But the symptoms are not occurring because that alter is out, that alter is out because those symptoms are occurring and that alter knows best how to handle them.

Just like an alter who fronts during a certain kind of abuse every time it happens is not the only one *being* abused, the whole system is, an alter who takes on the symptoms of a neurological condition is not the only one who has it.

Beyond that, it's difficult to notice internally whether symptoms of neurological disorders disorders are present. Most people making this declaration that their alter doesn’t have the disorder are going off the concept that they perceive an alter to not have symptoms of the disorder, ignoring that before getting diagnosed, they likely also believed they had no symptoms of that disorder, at least for a time, or even worse, that the alter shows symptoms, but not enough to qualify for a diagnosis. That diagnosis is not individual, it is related to every alter using the brain. Showing different symptoms of a neurological disorder at different times is completely typical and does not mean you don’t have it, because different situations stimulate different parts of the brain and thus based on the situation the person will be affected differently by that disorder that they very much still have. If anyone on the opposite side of this discourse happens to have a good professional who knows about their system and their neurodivergence, try and ask them if you stop being autistic just because you switched and now aren’t noticing symptoms.

If you look into autism, you'll find it is literally a difference in the brain (neurodivergence). At the end of the day, symptoms or not, if you use an autistic brain, you are autistic, because autism is not actually a set of symptoms. Autism is a difference in the brain that we notice and diagnose using symptoms. Hence why it is a spectrum where two autistic people can literally have entirely different symptoms with no overlap. The same goes for any neurological difference - it is *not* a set of symptoms, we use those symptoms to recognize and identify the difference in their brain.

Anorexia, however, is not always neurological. I think it can be, but it is also sometimes a body image issue or a trauma issue, etc. So yes, some alters can be anorexic while others are not.

Let me say it another way and see if this helps make sense of it. If a system gets accommodations in school like longer test taking or more time to turn in homework, does the teacher have the responsibility to remove those and ignore the IEP or 504 plan because said alter shows few enough symptoms that they wouldn’t be considered to have that disorder alone? Or are those disability accommodations legally protected at all times regardless of who is out?

Should a system that has work accommodations for a disorder lose those if another alter is out? Should your boss be able to, if you have accommodations that say for example that you have more leeway on being late to work, be allowed to ask you who was out and punish you like they would a fully neurologically abled person if it was an alter capable of getting there on time?

Or if the body of a system has,a degenerative brain disease, and an alter who shows less symptoms of it were to end up frontstuck, should they stop taking their medication? Or do they still have a disease affecting the brain that they need to keep treating regardless of who is out? The same goes for Autism, ASPD, ADHD, any disorder that affects the physical function of the brain since they all have the same one.

And if you think they should stop taking meds or lose legal rights to accommodations, where’s the line? Who gets to say if the alter is symptomatic enough? It would be so messy and confusing if those things were allowed because they make no sense. Same brain = same neurology = same neurological disorders.

It's getting frustrating repeating myself here over and over, which is the point of me saying I may delete asks about this specific discourse if I don’t have the spoons for it.

Plain text below the cut:

This one was in the drafts. I really don’t want to get into this again, but I think it’s only fair to post it as I had taken the time to write this anon and answer so I don’t feel I can say “this is too much for me to deal with” when all I need to do is format it and hit post. As mentioned previously, I will ignore or delete asks if they only pertain to this discourse (unrelated in any other way to ASPD) at my discretion. I pretty much never have had to do that, just a couple ableist people telling me how terrible pwASPD are. I don’t intent to do it often, and don’t want to do it at all, but I won’t drain myself to continue explaining why alters inside the same body cannot physically alter the structure of the brain by switching out.

Not displaying symptoms is different than not having them. A symptom holder is an alter who shows the most symptoms of the disorder, generally because they end up pushed to the front in situations that flare the disorder. But the symptoms are not occurring because that alter is out, that alter is out because those symptoms are occurring and that alter knows best how to handle them.

Just like an alter who fronts during a certain kind of abuse every time it happens is not the only one *being* abused, the whole system is, an alter who takes on the symptoms of a neurological condition is not the only one who has it.

Beyond that, it's difficult to notice internally whether symptoms of neurological disorders disorders are present. Most people making this declaration that their alter doesn’t have the disorder are going off the concept that they perceive an alter to not have symptoms of the disorder, ignoring that before getting diagnosed, they likely also believed they had no symptoms of that disorder, at least for a time, or even worse, that the alter shows symptoms, but not enough to qualify for a diagnosis. That diagnosis is not individual, it is related to every alter using the brain. Showing different symptoms of a neurological disorder at different times is completely typical and does not mean you don’t have it, because different situations stimulate different parts of the brain and thus based on the situation the person will be affected differently by that disorder that they very much still have. If anyone on the opposite side of this discourse happens to have a good professional who knows about their system and their neurodivergence, try and ask them if you stop being autistic just because you switched and now aren’t noticing symptoms.

If you look into autism, you'll find it is literally a difference in the brain (neurodivergence). At the end of the day, symptoms or not, if you use an autistic brain, you are autistic, because autism is not actually a set of symptoms. Autism is a difference in the brain that we notice and diagnose using symptoms. Hence why it is a spectrum where two autistic people can literally have entirely different symptoms with no overlap. The same goes for any neurological difference - it is *not* a set of symptoms, we use those symptoms to recognize and identify the difference in their brain.

Anorexia, however, is not always neurological. I think it can be, but it is also sometimes a body image issue or a trauma issue, etc. So yes, some alters can be anorexic while others are not.

Let me say it another way and see if this helps make sense of it. If a system gets accommodations in school like longer test taking or more time to turn in homework, does the teacher have the responsibility to remove those and ignore the IEP or 504 plan because said alter shows few enough symptoms that they wouldn’t be considered to have that disorder alone? Or are those disability accommodations legally protected at all times regardless of who is out?

Should a system that has work accommodations for a disorder lose those if another alter is out? Should your boss be able to, if you have accommodations that say for example that you have more leeway on being late to work, be allowed to ask you who was out and punish you like they would a fully neurologically abled person if it was an alter capable of getting there on time?

Or if the body of a system has,a degenerative brain disease, and an alter who shows less symptoms of it were to end up frontstuck, should they stop taking their medication? Or do they still have a disease affecting the brain that they need to keep treating regardless of who is out? The same goes for Autism, ASPD, ADHD, any disorder that affects the physical function of the brain since they all have the same one.

And if you think they should stop taking meds or lose legal rights to accommodations, where’s the line? Who gets to say if the alter is symptomatic enough? It would be so messy and confusing if those things were allowed because they make no sense. Same brain = same neurology = same neurological disorders.

It's getting frustrating repeating myself here over and over, which is the point of me saying I may delete asks about this specific discourse if I don’t have the spoons for it.

#aspd-culture-is #not aspd #system discourse

[mynameiselicomics]

My Name Is Eli: Introductory Post

Hello! You've probably stumbled on one of my comics and thought 'Hm, this is interesting!' or 'oh god this author has looked into my brain and committed my thoughts to pen, are you psychic!?!?'

This post will be my pinned post, so important things will go here.

What is My Name is Eli:

My Name is Eli is a comic regarding the author's life and musings as an autistic adult. Yeah, pretty much that.

Schedule:

My Name is Eli releases every Tuesday at 12am (GMT) as long as my scheduling is good. I'll make an update if anything changes/missed weeks. I'll aim to keep on top of things.

Where is this comic published?

Right here! On Tumblr.com!

I've been wondering about other platforms to host this comic (Tapas, Webtoon, Twitter) but as of writing I've no plans to publish elsewhere. If you see any of my comics on any other site, unless this post changes, then that's not me. I'll update this if I begin uploading the comics elsewhere.

Content Warnings:

Due to the nature of topics handled (mental health/neurodiversity ect), this comic will include content that may be distressing to some viewers. I want to try and make this comic accessible for people in light of this.

There's two ways I'm going to approach this, as of writing.

Firstly, individual posts with triggering themes will have a white page before the comic starts listing potential content warnings. I'll mark with Tumblr's mature markers as relevant.

Secondly, this post will have a general overview of some content that may be discussed, and I'll update this list more in lieu of incoming comics.

Content Warning Overview:

Anxiety

Depression

Self Harm

Body image issues

ARFID

Sensory Issues/Meltdowns

(I'm welcome to any suggestions to improve this process too)

Thank you for reading my comic!

-Eli

#original comic #webcomic #actually autistic #comics

[ascendedastarionapologist]

Dorian is verry easy to love, legit one of the cutest and most unique durge designs I’ve seen and all his lord is hella interesting! Anymore Dorian factoids about him and AA? I’m kinda interested in how he was with Astarion before he ascended (sorry if you’ve said before and I’ve just missed it)

sobing crying throwing up thank youuu i love my austic creature so much 😭 i wanted my self insert to be a furry and dnd has some very Furry races. im honestly a little suprised more people havent made their bg3 ocs a race other than whats in the game

i drew this a while ago but i didnt really like how it was turning out so i never posted it, but this is essentially what happened when they first met

so they kinda got off on the wrong foot and would kinda bully eachother but dorian is a freak and got a kick out of his snark and would play along, which astarion warmed up to. honestly they both enable eachother, just because theyre both self indulgent sorts of people. theyre a brat and hes a bitch so imagine how everyone else at camp feels. also dorian got that autistic rizz, theyre so blunt and genuine that they, kind of stupidly, just transparently say what theure thinking all the time, which ends up not just being endearing but also in astarions mind it makes them easy to manipulate bc he already knows exactly what they're thinking. dorian is such an easy target honestly, so when astarion started picking up that dorian was becoming warm to him astarions old training kicks in and propositions dorian in aims of exploiting that fondness. they lost their memory of their first time thanks to their worm lobotomy so they kinda freak like "oh man i dont wanna die a virgin and this hot guy wants to fuck i cant not do it" and thats pretty much as far as i thought about it, i wanna get into the later act 1 and act 2 stuff at some point but i havent actually thought about it all that much xD

but theres sooo much that goes into how the two approach astarion's ascention, their entire relationship has been building up to this pretty intense sort of codependence, wrapped up in eachother's circumstances that they really only see themselves. ig dorian's canon is pretty bleak, companions dropping like flies. the survivors would end up being dorian, astarion, shadowheart, and minthara. so by act 3 theyre really hurting for allies and for firepower. dorian is finding it harder and harder to handle the urge, and is determined to rip their father's influemce from their mind and body. so when they go to bhaal's temple and fucking dies when they reject him, astarion's mind just warps with the fear of actually losing dorian, and while they were codependent before, this event would really plant that seed of what his obsession and possesiveness as the ascendant would become. it wasnt just about freedom anymore it was about keeping what was his. dorian was cautious about him ascending, really just worried for astarion's well being and if something were to go ary, astarion convincing them of course with saying it would be best for him, that it would free him, that he would have the power to protect them both. and dorian is ride or die so they're all in for bogarding cazador's ritual.

and like. they do.

dorian never seen astarion so happy, so relieved. power radiated from him. dorian, being a cleric, is intimately familiar with the divine, that reverence reserved for prayer, that sacred respect for their holy symbols, the awe upon beholding divinity, now was recognized in the vampire ascendant. and he knew it too, "you hold your breath when i speak" astarion indulged this when he proposed turning dorian into his spawn/bride (i subscribe to the bride theory but i like the idea of dorian being reffered to either astarion's spawn or his consort) he turns the whole affair into body worship it was pretty epic. throw in come communion symbolism too why not

i have written way to much i must rest my brain now thank you for asking anon ^w^

#asks #custom durge #astarion ancunin #ascended astarion #dorian

[alostlittleriverlotus]

I hate the way my parents get proud of me. It's never...really seeing me. Like when I accomplish something socially or despite my anxiety and disabilities, it feels less like a celebration of something I'm proud of and more a celebration of "yay, you can be normal and get better, see how life can be if you just push through?! :)"But no. I can push through when I can, but I cannot force it. I cannot function. I cannot be normal. I'm too traumatized and disabled. I'm fine with that, it doesn't make me too sad. I do mourn the things I miss out on, but I'm happy to not push my body or force myself or believe I'm a failure. Yet when they celebrate me, it always feels like hinted and laced with this expectation for me to continue to do it so I can be an independent, functional adult and I hate that. I want to be happy about doing something despite my disabilities when I can cause that makes me happy. It's not about fitting in or being functional, it's about knowing my boundaries and being happy when I have the energy and ability to do what I want. It makes things I'm genuinely happy about feel hollow and I hate it. I'm not fully seen even when I say these are my limits. They choose to not understand because I fit outside their world of understanding.

I keep thinking my mom is reachable in some way while I live here (going no contact once I move out cause bigotry and no acceptance), but then she just doesn't listen. I know as long as she's married to my dad, she won't be reachable. As long as she's unwilling to question her worldview, she won't be reachable. And by this point, I don't care. I haven't cared. I just want like the most decent respect and the most basic care while I'm living here instead of constantly feeling like she's thinking other things.

But my parents have never been honest about how they feel with me. I've scared them since I was young cause I was weird and different than them. I was something they couldn't understand or control. I had intense emotions and acted differently than they expected. I loved things they didn't love like horror.

And the fact my mom wouldn't say why they're going on vacation for a solid minute before saying "we just need to get away" after I asked why I wasn't coming to the beach. I assumed it was a make up for an anniversary trip since we were moving around that time. But no. That tells me my answer. It's cause of our fights lately and cause she can't handle me actually standing up to her and making her listen to me. And that hurt. And who knows it's also because I've had episodes on previous vacations cause of my dad pushing me and overwhelming me and then him yelling at me.

I'm sick of the way they act around me. I'm sick of the fact they act like I'm some fragile timebomb about to go off. I'm autistic, I have meltdowns, I'm traumatized, I'm easily overwhelmed, that does not make me something awful. I find it amusing how much they are uncomfortable around me. Good. But also, I'm sick of being treated like an "other" around here cause I have psychotic disorders, intense emotions, days of fatigue, bad brain fog, and other shit. I don't get respected or accommodations so I end up lashing out and then they use that against me. I don't care to make other people comfortable. I just hate being treated as something odd that needs to be avoided or delicately dealt with instead of them actually acknowledging their poor treatment of me. But no. My parents can't be normal about anyone with more psychotic disorders and more intense reactions. My mom even using "I get overwhelmed and I know to calm down" against me as if it makes me lesser for not controlling myself. I'm pretty used to dealing with this stuff by now, but it still gets to me when all I want is to get help without being guilted or lectured or talked down to. Just LISTEN TO ME, I KNOW MY BODY AND MIND, YOU DON'T!!!!!

#actually autistic #actually disabled #actually traumatized #actually narcissistic #disabled #actually borderline #actually histrionic #npd #chronic pain #chronic fatigue #abusive parents #neglectful parents #aspd #bpd #hpd #antisocial #actually antisocial #actually aspd #actually avoidant #actually psychotic #actually schizospec #actually schizoid #actually paranoid #autism #autistic #semiverbal #semispeaking #ableism #sanism #tw ableism

[cipheramnesia]

Not to be whiny, and feel free to tell me off if I am, but where did you get a "good" polycule? I used to visit a lot of queer/poly munches/meetups but always got bullied for being "the wrong kind of trans" (I'm amab nonbinary) or "too weird for us" (I'm also autistic), and most queer people I've met outside of those were not interested in keeping contact because they already had a polycule and I "wasn't worth it". Idk what to do, finding people to be with seems so easy for everyone here . . .

I don't think there's one right way to go about it, because relationships are so chaotic and personal, and polyamory makes it even more so.

For me a lot of it is like, a good polycule starts at home, with my nonbinary wife and myself being a pretty strongly committed couple, we both have a lot of the tools in the toolbox that support better relationships with new partners. Stuff like being good at talking about stuff and working together and not letting little stuff become huge deal breakers and just kind of finding ways we fit and work well as a couple and how to compromise with stuff that makes friction. We both have good grounding in accommodating each other and speaking up. Which makes it sound like more negotiation than love, but a big thing is how much love cements us.

And so you know when you meet new people you already know how to work with them and care for them and it still takes time to learn how it coalesces into the existing relationship but that main core compassion helps in the phase where everyone is feeling out one another's needs.

But there's privilege elements like, me being able bodied and my brain worms being fairly easy to cope with and having an okay employment situation and owning a house and being like at least okay looking by conventional western standards is all stuff that affects how other people see me as a partner, and it's sucky that these are factors, but I can't pretend they're not. I can function kind of as the cement holding our house together and it's not through some innate arcane poly magic, but because of social privileges built around able bodied etc etc people.

There's some dumb luck too, because frankly a lot the stuff I have is by chance more than design. We wouldn't own a house if my mom hadn't died of cancer and got a giant life insurance pay out for example. And having Your Space that can handle a partner or two makes a difference because the other thing is schedules are a damn nightmare. I have a girlfriend a only see every other month or so because we both have our own core and households and lives, and sure we don't wanna apply like hierarchy to relationships either but the time factors of partners you live with and partners you don't are substantially different. So, you know, you may find a lot of cases where it's not easy to see a partner who lives with one of their other partners. Life's just like that and I cannot stress enough how fucky schedules are in polyamory.

So like, basically take everything that's complicated about a monogamous relationship and make it more, and that's polyamory. On my end it was just a collection of factors mostly out of my control that ended up with myself and and my wife in a good place to build a polycule around ourselves and we met a bunch of people we fit well with. But it doesn't have to go that way either, maybe you just kinda date around, don't have to like settle down with a specific person or people. Or end up with a buncha queerplatonic friends together. Or something else.

I'm not super good at relationship advice, due to the mostly dumb luck stuff but for factors you can control, it's pretty much don't be a doormat about your needs, but do make sure you're accommodating what's also going to be the many, many different needs of multiple partners.

[zikadraws]

Alright there we go ! This new oc is based in DC Universe. Long post ahead. (Tdlr included at the end. Enjoy.)

This is Taylor Serils (last name up to debate), a tailor owning a small suit shop in the low quarters of Gotham. Uses he/they/it pronouns, is definitely neither cis nor straight but he really doesn't care. (Basically the incarnation of that one meme about the pronouns.)

He is autistic and the son of a tailor (from who he inherited the shop) and a chemist. He didn't get to know his father too much since his parents were separated, and he was killed in a villain incident when he was still a child ; but his mother never accepted the fact her son was autistic and that medication wouldn't change it so she tried to alter his brain chemistry herself by submitting him to experimental treatment.

Said treatment did predictably nothing against his autism, but got him really sick, and fucked up his neural network, so now he can not feel physical pain (sense of touch still operational though), and his feelings and reaction time are a bit deafened. She went to jail after he absent-mindedly ratted her out at school though (still in there btw, for child abuse and illegal practice of medicine), and he was taken in by his dad's side of the family, from who he picked up the tailoring ways which put him to calm, even though they were a bit put off by him, his disabilities and his... destructive stimming habits.

Taylor uses its body as stress/boredom relief, and so tears out his eyebrows, bites off his nails, and bites off his skin. But the thing is, since he can't feel pain, he takes that to the next level, to the point he has no eyebrows, no nails anymore, and his fingers are bitten almost to the bone. They had to bring him to the doctor about this. They tried everything to get him to stop tearing his hand's skin off, eventually resorting to long gloves. Barely sufficient though.

Despite all this, he contently followed a tailor apprenticeship at his family tailor shop with great application, and actually helped the family business thanks to the chemistry hobby he picked up from his mother (subconsciously wanted to please her somehow then found it relatively smooth, so kept investing themselves into chemistry, and then snuck her chemistry material at his new home), by treating the fabrics himself and making them last longer, which his family was thankful for, albeit taken off.

It's through some customer interactions that he found his calling in life. Some guys would complain to the little family shop about comfort and fit, using, verbatim, the expression "my suit should feel like a second skin". Which sparked something within Taylor.

He began experimenting with fabrics and bits of his own skin, until the fabric he ended up developing could blend in smoothly with his epiderm, as a greffe, and even serve the basic functions of skin, which is to touch, and even, eventually, through trial and error, grow.

He didn't even have vitiligo originally ! His skin turned like that due to his experiments on himself, and since it didn't bother him, he just let his skin like that. The spots have a tendency to shift in shapes from day to day.

He invented a fabric that he could just wrap around his damaged skin and it would just fill in the spot in less than a minute, and since his favourite colour is blue, he used this colour for the fabric. Thus why the blue fabric forearms. He never stopped experimenting in this new specific interest, and crafted really interesting suits with those, praised for how astonishingly comfortable they were. (Also made skin cultures, and obtained skin samples from... various sources.)

By this time, he was an adult and inherited the shop when yet another villain incident took the rest of his family, leaving him alone to handle the shop. It was pretty lonely, but he did end up making friends with a Gotham support group, and especially a young boy (that I'm calling Miles out of pure lack of imagination) and his big brother, runaways living together because of family issues.

His career took a turn when Miles' big brother was murdered by a cop for being black. The cop got away with it, but Miles who was understandably devastated mourned his lost brother at Taylor's, who decided to find out who was the bastard, and realised it was one of his current customers, who came for a suit for a special event.

...So Taylor got to work. And made him a suit. The cop found it very fitting. 25 cents tipped.

The day of the council party the cop was supposed to be a bodyguard for a big head, the suit he was wearing started getting... *very* tight. Skin tight, despite still being incredibly bendy. The cop was annoyed, and embarrassed because it was obvious, but didn't try to take it off... Until the end of the day, where he realized with horror that he just couldn't take it off, because the clothes had fused with his skin. He tried to bolt to Taylor's, who conveniently closed their shop for a week leave.

And then the fabric started getting progressively itchy. Really itchy. Extremely itchy. PAINFUL itchy. Like last stage hives, but even worse.

They couldn't do anything except give him painkillers at the hospital, because hormonal treatments worked for like five minutes before the tissue grew tolerance and came back stronger, and to remove the suit they would have had to remove his skin entirely, which he was starting to do on his own anyway because of how unbearable the pain and itchiness were. So they could do nothing but bind his hands and watch him slowly die of advanced gangrene, as Taylor's suit eventually hit its "necrosis" finale. A genuinely awful way to die.

Taylor did a real masterpiece of this suit, but he wasn't really good at covering his path. The police got him pretty easily, and found his back shop lab with all the skin works. They freaked their minds out, and Taylor was immediately sent to Arkham. He promised Miles, who was pretty much on his own otherwise, that he would be out as soon as possible, though.

Taylor wasn't going into Arkham unprepared. The suit wasn't the last project he got done before the cops got to him, after all.

(Taylor's last project allows him to bend its own skin, which he uses to pick the locks, break out a few other residents as a distraction, steal a few guards' skins, and break out of Arkham. His stay in there lasted 8 days tops.)

(This absolutely kickstarted his reputation amongst Arkham residents. Which may be good, because after getting arrested, he needs a new clientele. Guys gotta eat, yaknow.)

Batman is not on his case just yet, but he will be sooner rather than later.

[TDLR :]

This is my DC Comics OC, Taylor Serils ;

He is about 25 y/o ; he never went to high school ; he is a great formed tailor, and an entirely self-taught chemist ; he owns a tailor shop that happens to have a DIY chemical lab in the back area ; he (they/it) pronouns ; he is disabled (his pain receptors don't work) and autistic ; he has self-damaging coping mechanisms ; his parents were a tailor and a chemist, the first dead and the second in jail (for abusing him) ; his favourite colour is blue ; his specific interests revolve around the frontiers between skin tissues and fabrics, for better or for worse, all because he took an expression too literally that one time ; (he also likes animals, TV cartoons and to knit and crochet) ; he can craft clothes and fabrics that act as epiderm, that he uses to heal, or to steal his enemies' skin, that he grows to be able to bend ; he gave himself vitiligo after his own experiments ; his best friend is a teenager ; he cruelly murdered a cop once ; he got locked up at Arkham and broke out after a few days only ; his criminal case is legally stamped (literally btw) as "supervillain" ; he is morally neutral and has absolutely zero big-scale ambition whatsoever, but more and more villains (and, thus, heroes) are getting to whisper about him.

He Gets Subjected To Trouble.

And yes, this was a summary. I got a bit carried away. I hope it's all somewhat coherent (:

Honestly sounds like the kind of OC that doesn't necessarily needs to be in a specific universe, but any either way, I like the guy. And will likely post some about him. Hope you enjoy him as well ^^

If you got any questions about, or for, him, I'll be happy to respond. Thanks for reading ! 🤗

#long post #oc #new oc #original character #oc introduction #oc lore #disabled oc #autistic oc #dc comics #cw abuse mention #cw death mention #cw skin picking #<- didn't even know that one tag was a thing tbh #taylor serils #my oc #hope you like them^^ #open if questions #cw angst #cw police brutality #watercolor

[rayssyscourse]

I actually can also explain how endogenic systems can exist scientifically.

The theory that systems form initially because of splitting is obsolete in favor of the Theory of Structural Dissociation, which is where the brain exists as multiple parts before integrating in later childhood. Trauma then is supposed to keep these parts from integrating. Full respect though if you don't like this theory, but as the current running theory for how DID develops, it actually perfectly explains why neurological endogenic systems might happen.

There isn't really any reason why something other than trauma might disrupt personality integration. There isn't enough research about what that "something" might be and it could be multiple things, but given how endogenic systems are disproportionately autistic or have other childhood disorders, that could potentially do it. That also would explain why many endogenic systems say they feel as if they cannot integrate, because their brain just was never wired for it.

Even then it makes sense that if endogenic splitting does happen, it wouldn't be as mentally taxing. Endogenic systems rarely experience amnesia unless they have later in life trauma and not every system experiences the brain trying to keep it hidden. Hell, I've seen OSDD systems handle splitting like it's a typical thing. Even if it did happen for endogenic systems, it wouldn't be "for no reason", there is a reason, that reason is just something other than trauma.

I don't know if a brain scan would really prove anything. There just aren't enough samples or data, and while there was an MRI study I see cited about MRI scans with DID, those scans were different because of trauma and dissociation's general impact on your brain. What a system looks like under a brain scan is very under-researched. There was talk of an MRI scan of tulpamancers a few years back? But I don't know if anything came of it.

(Also of course endogenic is too big of an umbrella term and this is just neurological origins. There have been several studies on created systems and "talk to an entity in your brain until it talks back" isn't really anything groundbreaking - you can pop "tulpamancy" into Google scholar to see these. Same with people communicating with spirits and what not, the difference between a spiritual-based system and a spirit host is usually just degree of self-autonomy and even then it's a grey line. "System" just means more than one entity in one physical body and by god is there a lot that falls under it.)

Ooh this is quite interesting. Tbh I don't have any groundbreaking opinions or arguments here since you're basically just telling me some information, but I really appreciate the education!

I am not super familiar with the theory of structural dissociation--I'll do some of my own research on that to hopefully understand better, but if you or anyone else has any resources on it, please do let me know! I keep a lot of ongoing system related studies and stuff bookmarked because there's a lot of active research and things changing since we still don't know much about systemhood/plurality, so I'm always happy to have more stuff to check out or keep tabs on, lol.

Assuming the structural dissociation thing is correct--and take this with the understanding that I still have yet to do a lot of research on it--I'd be interested to see more info on what things besides trauma could disrupt integration, and how that might look similar or different neurologically from traumagenic splitting. I think what you said about disproportionate levels of certain illnesses in endogenic systems is really interesting and could definitely be a potential cause.

That also makes me wonder, if the personality is unintegrated from birth, I wonder how the formation of new alters later in life (in both endo and traumagenic systems) looks, and if the amount of integration/disruption could influence things like frequent splitting or polyfragmentation, etc.

I'd be interested to see, like, widespread surveys done on endo and traumagenic systems alike, just to see the statistics of comorbidity, possible causes of splitting, frequency of splitting, etc. In fact, sometimes I think about putting out a poll or something online just for my own amateur-psychologist brain to have something to go off of, lmao. Obviously sampling bias would make it super unofficial, but it would be interesting nonetheless.

Anyways, sorry I kinda just started rambling there lol. None of that was meant as a challenge or attack to you, I'm just posing questions I think would be interesting to see answered. I appreciate the information, and thank you for giving me some new topics to research!!

Have a lovely evening <3

#syscourse #rayssyscourse #system #plural #plurality

[intheholler]

I’m so sorry I’m so late

Tw for church and sa and some god hate

My parents are divorced and that’s important for this. One day, on summer holidays, (I think I was twelve, maybe thirteen, I don’t know, my brain is wants me to forgot) I was spending holiday’s at my father house. I borrowed my mum’s phone for the holiday because she didn’t use it anymore and had cool games there.

But one day somone called the phone. And I picked up. It was old man, like my parents, maybe a bit older. He said that he’s friend with my parents and if I’m the little Ellie that he used to carry. I’m saying that I’m sorry that I don’t know him. My father overheard and took the phone and started talking with him. Yes, he was really my parents friend and I was the little Ellie he used to carry when I was a newborn.

And yes, he thought he was gonna call my mother because for some twisted reason he remembered that she existed. Long story short, at the end of the summer my mum and him were dating.

He had two daughters, first a year older and the second seven years younger than me.

And that’s when things went downhill. We stared living with them in the blink of an eye in my brain but I’m pretty sure that it took some time.

He was a religious man. We knew about that. But we didn’t know how he used to beat and manipulate his ex wifes ‘in the name of god’

Soon I was brought to church because as he said, I was uncontrollable and a brat. And he already manipulated my mum so it was very easy for him to do so. He genuinely believed that if he asks a god for forgiveness that god will forgive him. He was praying every night like ‘Father look at this wild child, so rebellious, she never listens to anyone and forgive for saying this, but she’s a brat, please give me the strength to handle her.’

I mean he’s right, I’m a little fight starter and I like to piss people off and I’m autistic so god doesn’t make sense to me and I was thirteen so I was literally like a Young Sheldon and his fact checking. I was questing the Bible just to make them mad and also bcs those things they were saying were in contrary with the Bible to me.

So I was called a Satan child for questioning the Bible, I was walking the wrong path and I was eaten by the darkness.

Once his youngest daughter accidentally misspelled some world and she ended saying that she has a girlfriend instead of boyfriend. They laughed it off but said to not ever be gay. So I said ‘What’s wrong with it?’. It was followed by screaming, even my mum’s, and he screamed the Bible out for me. Dragged me to church the next day and I had to listen to made up stories about how homosexuality is a sin and that I’m old enough to understand it. Then they all prayed for me so I would find my way back to light and god.

Maybe that’s the reason why he told me that I need his hands on my body, to cleanse me from sins and darkness. (I hope y’all know what this means) No, he never used a god to be a bad guy, he’s fucking crazy, has a god complex and does believe that he has some sort of power. I remember how he threw the Tv out of the window because it was the devil’s work.

Or maybe that’s something I want to believe.

It ended up with them breaking up because he said I’m way too much eaten by devil that prayers can’t save me. He used my mum, manipulated her, took her money and brain away and then left us on a street.

I’m wondering if he realises what he did. If he really uses a god to apologize his sins manipulative behavior and if he’s like all aware of it or if he really has a god complex and some psychosis and doesn’t realise any of it.

But he says that he’s a good person because he’s only following God’s words.

Anyway; since that I found the whole Christianity stupid. Because why this kid at church, maybe 4, cried to us that if he’s gonna pray maybe god will forgive him his sins? He’s a kid! Four years old! What kind of sins a kid can have?! And what kind of kind and lovely god is this shit man if he’s letting some assholes like them doing this a kid and make kids believe that they’re bad humans?

I still don’t understand what kind of gaslighting abusive faith is this but maybe im way too autistic to understand it.

Please don’t try to explain the god to me or tell me how Christianity is good, anyone who feels like they need to explain it to me, I don’t give a shit anymore and I hope y’all understand why. Also im very much stubborn and once I make my opinion you can’t change it.

Also once we left I outed myself to my mum, she almost dragged me back to church, she didn’t, but that didn’t stop her from telling me how sinful I am for MONTHS like mf never got tired of running her mouth

The religious lesbian

(anon: i'm so glad you popped back up. i just saw your question, and i wanted to assure you it was absolutely nothing you did wrong. i hope i didn't lead you to think that.

i overthink everything and it was incredibly personal, so i wasn't terribly sure if you wanted it posted publicly or not, as my invitation to share your story came with the assurance that it could remain private if you wanted.

i still have it sitting in my asks actually because i didn't know how to reach you to double check for your permission to share it!)

thank you for sharing such an intimate and difficult part of yourself. presenting without comment as not to overshadow your story <3 but i do want to say, at the very least, you deserve so much more than you got.

#tw dv #tw sa #tw homophobia #tw religion #tw religious trauma #tw christianity #it's almost 1am if this needs additional tags please let me know #asks

[tempestgnostic]

i want to write an essay at some point about the parallels between my phantom shifts in terms of my gender and my alterhumanity, but specifically from the perspective of why most ‘gear’ makes me incredibly dysphoric or feel more distant from my body. for now i’ll just detail some thoughts on the matter.

so i have, over the years, never learned my lesson that packers don’t actually make me feel gender euphoria—even the one i got that has a sheath and everything, that should make me feel more akin to who i am. i think it’s because i’ve gotten so used to the visceral, weighty experiences i have with phantom appendages already. i know what those body parts feel like, and i can interact with them almost as if they are. explicit anatomy and sex discussions beneath the cut.

like, it’s not just about ‘jacking off’ what is essentially empty space between my legs. i know every bit of anatomy intimately, from tip to base. it’s, weirdly, how i was able to give great head to my ex, despite it being my first time. with zero instruction on the subject, i knew what would feel good—and, if i’m being frank, she wholeheartedly agreed. and it’s way more satisfying for me to just manipulate those phantom parts versus having something there. and i even have a toy that you can put a T-dick into and jack it off that way! i’ve used it before, and it’s fun! but something about the physicality of it brings me into a space where i realize it doesn’t ‘click’ with me.

there are incredible studies out there about the use of prosthetics and how, for some folks, their brain begins to ‘inhabit’ them in a way that is incredibly profound. their brain integrates the prosthetic into the body map. it is a part of their body the second they identify it as such, of course. it’s just really neat how the brain agrees and works to cement that fact within itself. for me, i think the infrequency of my use probably contributes. the really good genital prosthetics are super expensive, and i’m not sure if i could handle the cost, the maintenance, all of that. maybe someday.

but i feel the same about phantom shifts. sure, i have a badass leather dog mask, but it doesn’t feel like me when i put it on. it feels like a mask. and when i’m in a shift, it feels like a mask superimposed over an actual muzzle that feels way more real to me. my identity, both as a trans person and as an alterhuman, is extremely sensory for me. i suspect being autistic plays a huge role as well; i need to have my hair stroked gently, to have somebody run their fingernails over the fur on the back of my neck, or kiss me and tell me how soft my beard is. i need to be pressed up against someone after sex, ‘locked’ in place even when there’s no knot there, not even a toy, just the sensory experience that both of us can feel. (i’ve had two sexual partners, independent of each other, tell me that they explicitly felt like i was locked inside them, and i hadn’t even told one of them that this is how i see my body.)

to have someone else who can feel that anatomy the way that i do? that’s the greatest gender and species euphoria i have ever felt, bar none. i felt so connected to my body—to my partner’s body—in those moments. that feeling was greater than any orgasm i’ve ever had, and that radiant euphoria is why i’m desperate for more of that feeling. i mean, hell—i can give myself an earth-shattering orgasm any time i want. i regularly feel like i’m turning time and space sideways and seeing the face of god. that’s easy. but the need that sex fulfills for me, really and truly, is the need to feel like myself—so much so that my partner feels it, too, and loves what they feel from me.

#erokin #alterhuman essays #species euphoria

[2minutesnotice]

Insomnia Sushi with our favorite owl boy.

Some kind of sad shit under the cut, just skip this post

My hyperfixation for Helluva Boss/Hazbin is going on for two weeks now and I know it sounds not like much buuuuut-

I'm autistic, my symptoms varies from easy to handle to, how the fuck will I survive this. This hyperfixation, as much as I love the series and the fandom so far, is bad for me.

I haven't left my house for 4 days and have nothing done but draw for HH/HB. Nothing else. I've taken a shower after my wife said I'm not allowed into bed if I'm not clean.

I'm kinda glad that my body has an morning routine, so at least I brush my teeth and slap on some skincare, but everything else, I forget.

This is the first time eating a real meal and not just eating cornflakes right out the carton. Or just cucumber because it's not work to cut it. And always the damn sweets but dopamine is not gonna come from nothing.

Man I hope my brain will slow down a bit. I'm so behind on commissions and con stuff, I have no idea how to finish all of it in time. Which brings my brain in even more panic mode and even more hiding in my new obsession.

Sometimes I wish I could be normal. Yeah, sorry for the rant, I guess I'll delete this later. It's way too early (it's three in the night) here and I should try to sleep in anny way..

#personal rant #talking about autistic things

[idledreams-burninghearts]

I was trying to wait until I no longer work there to post about what I'm experiencing at work but I need to process it. CW: very heavy topic, trauma dumping, childhood trauma, grooming

I haven't written anything about it because I've been paranoid that Boss is following me on here, reading my posts. But oh well, either I'm paranoid and she won't see this. Or I'm not paranoid and I'm warning you, don't read this. I don't think you're in your stage of healing where you could handle this.

Lol, I gotta stop doing that. Not posting my thoughts and experiences in respect of someone else's feelings. I try to write things down privately in a journal or my notes app. I write letters to friends. It's just not the same as posting on here. Posting on here is like saying. I exist. My experience is valid. Gotta heal out of that people pleasing.

This might be out of order, my brain is weird, I will do my best to be coherent.

So the work environment is very triggering for me right now. The group dynamic is triggering childhood trauma of bullying. Where everyone is "nice" to you but they're making fun of you behind your back. (I trust some folk at work but not everyone) This is how some autistic folk experience bullying.

Like I definitely know they talk about me behind my back. I have had mental episodes that everyone is aware of. I'm trying to give them the benefit of the doubt by telling myself they are just concerned. I know I'm not an easy person to talk to. I don't trust very easily. But knowing they're talking about me is definitely triggering this bullying trauma. I just wish they would directly ask me, through text or something, not in person.

I am a very emotional person and I really don't want to be emotional at work. I'm in neurocognitive decline and it's very hard for me to hide it right now. (As far as I'm aware there is no definitive new term for autistic burnout, but the autistic community is trying to leave the term burnout behind because allistic folk do not take it as serious as they should because burnout is a very different experience for them. I am calling it neurocognitive decline.) So I wish people would just talk to me in my preferred format if its something serious. They all know I have a hard time with verbal communication. I have been clear about that. But I've masked too well in the past and was going off scripts so well, they of course, don't take that seriously.

But it's not just that. Boss and I trigger each other. She doesn't want to admit it but I can read people's body language and emotions really well. I can tell when I trigger someone.

I really shouldn't have gone to her birthday gathering. It was pretty weird. So when they talked to me about it they said the theme was coyote ugly. I did the best I could with what I had in my closet. But when I met up with everyone they said that changed it to cowboy/cow themed. I didn't care really because they're almost the same and no one was really dressed to that theme anyways. But I could tell I triggered Boss. Boss really does have a lot of internalized fatphobia. She tries so hard to talk herself up (and rightly so, she is gorgeous) but I can tell she doesn't feel it 100%. Which is sad for me to see. I wish she was more confident in herself.

Didn't help how much the others were complimenting me. I could see she didn't like it. And honestly I didn't like it either. Felt like the bullying love bombing, but even without that, I don't really like when people compliment my appearance.

Like I have pretty privilege. There is no denying it. I know how I look, I love how I look, I have no self confidence issues in regards to how I look. But people really don't like it when you tell them to not compliment your appearance. Whenever I tell people that they react in a few ways.

"Just take the compliment. I'm just being nice." (From people of all genders, whether they're attracted to me or not)

They struggle to find a way to compliment me.

Also didn't help how people at the club were looking at me either. She noticed. She has had a very different experience of the world in that regard. She is fat. And the world has been difficult and cruel to her because of it. I see how the world treats her and people like her. It's not right.

I know I triggered her too when she was struggling to make the schedule and I commented "and they say we're not understaffed" and she snapped at me saying "stop saying that! We're not understaffed!" Friend and M were there and saw it and we all exchanged looks but I didn't say anything because I get that this job is stressing her out. Then a few days later she put up a help wanted sign. No apology for her snapping at me. When I bright this up in the meeting with her and K she said that she doesn't remember that, we're not bringing the others into this, she recognized my experience is valid. But still didn't apologize.

So when she was side-eyeing me all night and when she said "skinny people don't even need to try" in a way where she implied she's talking about me but can deny it (she's done this a couple of times at work too and in the meeting with boss and k, boss tried to say that she was just joking. I can tell the difference between a joke and a jab. Even if I don't find the joke funny I can tell what the intent was. It's in the eyes and the mouth. People think they're hard to read but they're not ) all I could think was. I get it. Of course this is how you feel after the world has treated you the way that it has. So I didn't say anything. No one likes being called out on their behavior, which is one reason why I think no one calls me out on mine (I wish they would, I actually like when people call me out on my behavior, work is weird because I don't want to be emotional at work but they can message me about it)

I realized my mental health, my physical health, was impacting everyone at work. I went to Boss and told her. (This was before the meeting with Boss and K, before I said I don't trust Boss in group chat) Hey I'm in burnout. And she responded. We all are. Which I'm still like, none of us should be. But this is when a switch flipped in my head. She's letting her perception of me get in the way of my well-being. That was a trigger. I'll get to that in a second. This is why I'm no longer using burnout to describe my experience. Why I'm using the term neurocognitive decline.

Took her a month to reduce my schedule down to 3 days. I get it, we had inventory and were short staffed. But it still just felt like she wasn't taking me seriously. She said she researched autistic burnout after I told her through group chat that I didn't trust her but I'm sure it was very cursory. Had to have a meeting with Boss and K where I showed them this tiktok. She mentioned that time she researched it. We talked about demoting me from supervisor to just sales associate which yes I was thankful for that. But it still feels like I'm not being taken seriously.

She was talking about how "we" have to manage our triggers (she was talking about me, she's so passive aggressive) she was talking about how "we wanted to be a communist party" (which was another trigger for me, I'll get to that when I talk about her she's specifically triggering me separate out of the group bullying dynamic) but also talking about "don't look at the emails, that's for management only, that information is not for everyone" and "we all need to help out" (how are you going to talk about being a communist party and needing everyone to help out but also keeping us in the dark about stuff and not sharing information?) But the whole meeting just, felt like what this video is talking about.

The last team meeting she was stressed out. I wasn't looking at her because I was having a hard time masking. So I was faced away and looking kinda up at the ceiling and rocking a little bit. I'm sure she was triggered by that too, I think she thought I was ignoring her. But I was listening, it's easier to listen when I'm not also looking. Another reason I didn't want to look at her was because I'm tired of managing her emotions.

I'm trying to give the benefit of the doubt to her and see that she's trying to ask people for more help in order to help me out but it also feels like she's using that as a way to fire me if I don't do what she says (I did ask for her to fire me in a way that i can collect unemployment, I talk about it a bit further down, I just can't trust her)

I also think she thinks I'm not eating the food she brings to the meetings because I am not being a team player or because I don't like her or something along those lines. No, the food makes me sick. I've been having a hard time eating food because of my neurocognitive decline (mind, body, soul, all connected) and I see how hard it is for her to accommodate me and I'm not gonna force her too. She doesn't have to. She's having a hard time. She can do what she can do. I don't have hard feelings about that.

Another thing that frustrates me is that it feels like she's trying to treat everyone the same when we're not all the same, we're not all capable of doing everything or doing everything the same way and after the meeting I did hear Boss say to M that she feels like the new hires help out more than the older workers and like do you still not get that I'm in neurocognitive decline??? Do you not get that we also know this company doesn't give a shit about us? Where is your communist spirit, I thought we were a communist party?

Another thing she mentioned in that meeting was how we can't call out or go home early for no reason. I know that is referencing me too. I have been calling out and going home early pretty often lately. Because I am in neurocognitive decline. But I think she was upset that a few days prior to this I had left home early. And how I left. I had texted her if I could go home early. She did not reply. I called her from the work phone. She did not answer. I told my ma what time she would be getting into work so she could pick me up when I asked her to go home early. So when Boss got into work she saw my ma was there. When I asked if I could leave she said "yea, your mom is waiting for you already". Like she really doesn't understand what I'm going through if she's thinking I'm going home just because I want to

Anyways. Back to how she mentioned "we need to manage our triggers" and how she was talking about me. And this relates to why I think she's following me on here. So before the meeting (the day before? A few days before?) I had written a post on here about how I noticed I was having a meltdown one a month. I had also written this post after I had talked to HR about a certain light causing migraines and how the District Manager said ALL lights need to remain on and that the company provides ibuprofen. HR backed her up and said it was OSHA and company policy. I tried looking up OSHA regulations and only found "1915.82(a)(1) The employer shall ensure that each work area and walkway is adequately lighted whenever an employee is present." Which doesn't state all lights need to be on, only that it needs to be adequately lit.

But what really made me think that she's following me on here is after I had posted about issues at work and with her but I said she was still like a creative and amazing person (in tags of this post), I don't think she's a bad person (still don't btw, sometimes there are just people you can't have in your life because your issues conflict with each other) and then at work she explained to me her issues with her mom. How she had pretty privilege and other things. And in my head, I'm just like, she read the post and I knew I was triggering issues with her mom (maybe of another person too, childhood "friend" perhaps? If I'm not being paranoid and she is following me I have to think it's for a reason, she might just be trying to protect herself from experiencing the same thing she has before, idk) and this is also what led to me not trusting her besides her not taking me seriously when I said I was in burnout.

So if I'm not paranoid I'm assuming Boss thinks me doing that was me having a meltdown or that I was triggered. Nope. The meltdown referenced in that post had nothing to do with work. I was thinking clearly when I was messaging with HR. That was also me self-regulating. Turns out I'm a PDA autistic. (I prefer Persistent Drive for Autonomy, that feels more correct for me than Pathological Demand Avoidance. And this has also created problems between Boss and I because I have been unintentionally engaging in Equalizing Behavior (I realize after) and allistic don't like that, they need their hierarchy)

Another thing that makes me think she's following me on here is because in the meeting with Boss and K, she said she wasn't micromanaging which was not a word I used in the meeting but I did use it in the tags of the same post

I know I've typed in the tags of a few posts that I wish I could just collect unemployment and then K started talking about her getting unemployment because of her 2nd job and when I said I wished I could get unemployment she very carefully said to talk to Boss about it and that Boss might just be uncomfortable firing a "friend". The whole interaction felt suspicious but I played along and said sure. Talked to Boss about it with K present and Boss was also very careful with her response. Could just be because she's trying to be careful of her position and be careful with me since I said I don't trust her. Like again, I am hoping that I'm paranoid about all of this. But it's so hard for me to trust her right now. Didn't help that in that meeting she said she'd talk to her lawyer friend because I couldn't be fired for insubordination and that we'd come up with a plan. Well, she never talked to me about a plan. And one time I called out for being sick and the next day B texted me asking if I was still feeling unwell and if I would be staying home. I said I was not gonna make it in and she said that she texted Boss to let her know. Then Boss tried to give me a write-up for it because I didn't tell her but I said I didn't because B did and I pulled up the message where she said so and she seemed frustrated (hoping because she was trying to help me but she knows I don't trust her and idk why she won't let me in on her plan. But this has been a huge issue for me working with her too. She thinks she communicates well but she does not, at least not with me. And I mirror communication styles so I know to her it seems like I don't communicate well)

It's also hard to trust her about this because she told employees that write-ups are back for everyone. Like I asked to be fired in a way I could collect unemployment, you didn't need to bring write-ups back for everyone. Why are you continuing to treat us all the same when we're not. And I don't mean treat us all the same as equivalent to treating us equal. Those are two different things for me. Treat us all equal, yes, but we all have different needs and capabilities so don't treat us all the same. She's leaning into the reasons I can't trust her.

This part is what I think I'm being most paranoid about (at least really hoping I'm being paranoid about, it would be extremely fucked up if I'm not being paranoid about it) so when I was confused about my feelings for Mrs Heartstrings (gotta find a new name for her, will just refer to her as Friend, same Friend mentioned earlier) I did kinda tell Boss. I was confused about if she was flirting with me or just being kind and none of my friends that I talked to about it could offer any insight because they have never met her (well, Strawhat Friend did, but very momentarily and no interaction between us) and so one day I asked Boss if she could tell if a person was flirting with me (I showed her a screenshot of a text message that was cropped to remove names) and that the person was married but I wasn't sure if they were poly or not. She asked me where I met her and I froze. She said I didn't have to answer and I didn't. But she's smart. I'm sure she figured it out. But after that it seemed like everyone was talking Friend up. "Friend is so amazing!" was said to me multiple times to the point where I started responding "I know???" And I remember this time where a few coworkers kinda stood around her and said something like "Friend is autistic" and she made a pose and it just seemed very ta-da! And I think I just responded with "I know?" But I thought "I know" "are y'all showing her off?" "What's going on here?" "Sorry I'm not the right kind of autistic" (that last one I thought because I had been saying I'm too autistic for this job so I was hoping it was related to that and not what I was being suspicious about) I really hope I'm being paranoid about this part because even if they tell themselves it was a "joke" it's fucked up and led to me having a spiral. I prefer to spiral just because I'm fucked up and not because someone is messing with me.

Okay. So now to the part where I talk about her triggering me. If I'm not being paranoid and Boss is reading this, you are really gonna want to stop reading at this point. You really aren't in the right place of your healing journey to read this.

So she has called the team meetings "family dinner" and has called us a family, which was extremely triggering for me and not just because that is a corporate tactic to get employees to work harder for them.

She doesn't communicate well, she's been changing a lot of things at work and how we do things which would be fine except she doesn't explain them properly or at all, or will explain it to someone else who will explain it to me but still without the necessary information my autistic brain needs to actually be able to do it. Like this.

One, she never talked to me about this. K did. But it didn't make sense to my autistic brain to print out the shipment manifest in a way that wasted ink and paper because it included a lot of items that weren't actually shipped to us. It has a lot of items with 0 at the end of it. And in the system all you have to do is press one button, twice, to change the format in the system to show the items listed from greatest to least amount of items sent. I printed upcoming shipments like that so it would only be like 2-5 pages long instead of like 10+ pages long. I saved the digital version in the bookmark bar of both internet browsers on the computer. I told K about it and she said no one else would want to do that work and I said no one else has to, y'all can do it your way when you print up the shipment list because I know we're all different. After that is when Boss wrote that in the pass down log. And now that I'm no longer a supervisor, I saw how they are doing the shipment list. They are using what comes in the shipment. Which is exactly how I was prepping it anyways. And she has not apologized because she didn't tell me directly so she has the excuse that she wasn't talking about me. When yes she was.

No explanation for why that way is better. Does not want to communicate about it. She just wants to tell us to do something and she just wants us to do it no questions asked. And so passive aggressive. I know she's talking about me. (Why can't she just talk to me directly. I know I'm hard to talk to. But if it's work related that is very easy to talk about. Just talk to me directly so I can mirror your communication style and I can be direct back.) Very triggering for me. And the next shipment they printed out their way I just could not do it because of my pda profile and because of being triggered and because it just does not make sense to me. I couldn't do it and said as much. (In the meeting with Boss and K and Boss said "we already let you do what you want to do" which was so frustrating for me because what I want to do is my job, but she still doesn't get that I'm in neurocognitive decline and I'm just trying to do what I can do.) Honestly since messaging HR about the OSHA thing it has been a bit easier for me to work because I'm motivated by spite (to the company, not even Boss) now. I want to cause problems for the company but just let them try to fire me without it looking like retaliation. I do my job. I am being nice to people. Trying to talk. It probably doesn't seem enough, I'm wearing a more manageable mask, it's not as upbeat and social and I know because of everything going on they think I'm being upset at them when I really just don't have the energy or capacity. I'm sure some people are taking it personally.

Another thing that triggered me was when she said "I'm always watching" talking about how she looks over the security camera footage. I talked to her about this in the meeting but I'm not sure if she gets it or not because this is what she put in the report she typed up.

Like I'm not triggered by the cameras being there (although I do hate that we live in a surveillance state) I'm triggered by what she said. And she speaks corporate very well. She knows how this is gonna make me look. I'm looking to get out of there anyways so whatever. But then it was funny that after she submitted this she posted in the group chat that management was looking at the cameras more "for some reason"

But she could just be covering her own ass too. In the meeting she said she was taking notes so she could type up the report. Later I had asked for a copy, now I wonder if she actually meant that or if she did that allistic thing where they say things they don't mean. Like how hard is it to say, I'm taking notes so I know what to respond to without interrupting you? I signed it without reading too, but because I wanted the copy for myself and to show friends. I'm sure she thought I wanted it to get her in trouble. Or maybe she still doesn't get it. She's never really been able to listen and understand me. It's just an allistic/autistic communication issue (I need to be more direct again, I stopped as a kid because people really don't like it)

Another way she triggered me was by taking away autonomy. She said that staff can't rearrange the merch without asking for permission from a supervisor or her, the manager. So one day I'm putting product out but there's no space. I have to rearrange the wall. I was a supervisor at the time so I just gave myself permission. She then changed it to where no one could rearrange the wall without asking for her permission.

Another thing she does that triggers me is that she is not clear with her instructions. In a team meeting she said that people were cleaning too slowly so I sped up how I cleaned. Then things weren't being cleaned well enough (like no shit, cleaning is either going to be cleaned fast OR thoroughly. Not both) and that caused a bit of a melt down for me (not in the meeting).

And in the meeting Boss was like "sorry I'm triggering memories of a friend" and I was just like, she wasn't a friend. Like, yes, in the group dynamic it reminds me of childhood bullying. But her on her own, of these things I've just listed.

The person and memories she is triggering is of Ms. A. Ms. A is the reason I look people in the eye and the reason I don't visibly stim. She forced me to look people in the eyes, she forced me to be still. Good kids are neither seen nor heard. I couldn't be visibly autistic. And I don't feel like I can be autistic with Boss. Ms. A forced me to clean her house and look after the younger kids. Boss makes me feel like I have to do more than I'm able to, regardless of my disability and she gives "reasonable accommodations". Ms. A gave no privacy. Boss said she's always watching. Ms. A always said we were family when we weren't, she was our "caregiver", she was paid to take care of us but she didn't. Boss called the team meetings "family dinner" but we're not family. I have a hard time thinking we're all friends. Boss tried to say we're a communist party when she can't even give me the accommodations I need, feels like she's trying to use what she knows about me as a way to get me to comply. Ms. A is the reason I don't like talking about the things I like with people because she used it against me as a form of control. She groomed me (and the other kids) for her father.

So that's why I can't really talk to her directly about this. Like how do you tell someone, "hey your behavior reminds me of my groomer"? And why I couldn't properly vent this out here in case she is seeing my posts. If I'm not paranoid about that... I hope she heeded my warning and didn't read this.

Like, I don't think Boss is grooming me to be sexually assaulted. But it sure does feel like she's grooming me to be a good little employee for corporate. Do as I say no questions asked. No transparency, keeping people out of the loop.

Honestly if I'm not being paranoid and she is following me here that's another trigger that reminds me of my groomer. No privacy.

Like I miss my old manager. When I was promoted I was uncomfortable with the position because I don't like being in a position of power over people but she told me it wasn't a position of power, it was a position of responsibility. And I vibe hard with that. But current Boss. She does not take the same approach. I can't work for her. I need to get out of there. She will never not trigger me as long as I'm working under her.

I also remember a time where Boss and Friend and I were supposed to hang out but I had to cancel because my cat died. I was of course really sad that my cat died, but there was a part of me that was relieved I didn't have to hang out with them because I really felt (and feel) uncomfortable around Boss. Like that's how bad I am doing with all of this. Although I do think I'm doing pretty well at work considering everything I'm going through.

And the possibility of Boss following me on here is why I'm not talking about my latest mental health issue and what I think it is. Because she's not a safe person for me to be autistic around. She is definitely not a safe person for me to be that kind of mentally ill around, especially if I'm working for her.

Like I get its been hard for people to deal with me while I've been in neurocognitive decline (honestly it started once we were bought out). It's not just her that is the issue. I know I'm part of the issue too. But I can't work for her.

I don't want to talk about this at work because there is no space and time to properly communicate this without it seeming like I'm gossiping. And I don't want to turn anyone against her. I don't want to take her community away from her. She needs them. I don't. I have friends.

I am honestly overwhelmed by how many friends I have. I do think I needed to experience this and am kinda grateful for this experience. It really reminded me of who my friends are and which relationships I need to work on. Kinda thinking about having a picnic with friends when I'm not working here anymore and feeling a bit better.

I also know I can be a heavy person because I focus so much on my depression and how much I don't want to be alive. And people don't want to focus on that, they don't want me to focus on that. But I need to. I need to problem solve. I need to figure out why I'm feeling this way. So I can change and grow. Can't do that if I'm ignoring the problem.

But anyways, yea, whether I'm paranoid or not, I can't work here. Either way, the situation is not great. No real accommodations and my neurocognitive decline is not taken seriously.

I feel like writing this up here has already helped me process this a bit and hopefully I can work on it more with this week off. I'm sure there are things that I'm forgetting but this is already really long.

#idle posting #this is really long #hopefully all the links work #some people say things better than i can so hopefully it helps people understand #work shit

[birdofmay]

hi i hope you r doing well I hope it’s ok to ask but i don’t know what support need/level I fit into could u help give any advice/insight?. I read over everything in your pinned but I’m still stuck bc I’m worried to label myself wrongly. can u help at all? I am open to any thoughts u have.. can u relate to my experience at all as a higher support autistic?

I feel like my sensory issue are severe and interfere w my ability to wear most clothes and just daily life stuff, I feel very overwhelmed and broken by change, struggle so much with driving that it’s dangerous, can struggle to process things and do it slowly, I am verbal but have loss episodes and in general barely talk bc social/communication issues,

very difficult to maintain and make relationships, I don’t know if I mask or not bc I feel like even if I were to try to I still seem autistic and mess it up despite some people telling they think I’m high functioning(but then turn around and tell me I’m r slur bc of my autism behaviors), I struggle with hygiene and eating drinking bc I don’t feel the cues or bc of executive dysfunction pain fatigue or sensory issues,

I have motor/pain/muscular issues (mobility worsening and affecting my ability to do things like go up stairs and walk) and I do occupational therapy and it does cause me to not be able to do certain things myself like wash/do my hair and Its a struggle to shower my body too, cannot exercise either bc of POTS

I can go in public but I do it with people bc the surroundings seem overwhelming, I do not have a job currently and I know it would be so hard on me but I am going to college and eventually will be forced to get one, struggle to use utensils to eat and struggle with tasks/instructions when not done right in front of me 1on1 like a million times, I have a lot of stims and a lot of harmful to myself ones, often info dumping about special interest

I can’t handle/fully understand money/taxes/bills, it’s hard for me to prepare meals, struggle to eat much bc of GI issues and jaw fatigue, do laundry, and manage chores, and manage medications, extreme issue with organization, learning disabled, get overwhelmed/meltdown/shutdown very easily

I’m not sure what else to add to take into consideration (can u give ideas) or how to tell which level and support need this fits as .. like I guess I’m not low support bc I do need help with BADLS as I mentioned but I I don’t know if it’s wrong of me to say I’m high support or medium support or a flux of both?.. and have no idea with “levels” I was dx with a level but feel like it’s incorrect .. and based on what I said which BADLS and IADLS do I need help with and how many is that? It’s confusing :(

Here's the relevant section of my FAQ post

"I don't know what support needs I'd be considered!"

Do you have care needs? No? Then you're not high support needs, you're most likely low or low-to-mid support needs.

My country re-assesses my support needs regularly; if you're medium or high support needs and weren't medically neglected your whole life, you'd normally know that you're medium or high support needs already, because that's tested (if you're not sure, check the documents). But testing is different from country to country.

Unless, of course, something happened recently that you now suddenly need a lot of help, definitely more than before. In this case there likely wasn't any testing yet. But in that case I can't help you either, because I don't test you.

Note because this still is a common misunderstanding: The DSM-5 says for example "Autism level 1: Requires support", but the support that's meant there has nothing to do with the support needs we're talking about in this and in the linked post. It's a little unfortunate that both say "support" because people always think it's the same when it really really isn't ☝🏼

I feel like you're mixing up autism levels and support needs still, because the first part of what you wrote (sensory issues, social stuff) is relevant for your level, but not for a support needs/care level assessment.

Maybe read the linked post and the support needs post (linked within the linked post) again but pay attention to the "Who determines if you're low, medium or high support needs (if you have support needs)?" post this time 🤔

Autism levels are given to you by professionals and not to be "guessed" - that's why I don't know what level I'd be considered (we don't have levels), and don't even further think about what level I'd be because I simply don't have a level. You can disagree with the level of course, but when talking about levels you then don't say "I'm level [guessed level]", but "I was diagnosed level [diagnosed level] but think I'm actually higher/lower".

Same goes for support needs. Not "I'm [guessed support needs]" but "I'm [assessed support needs]" or "I think I'm somewhat [guessed support needs]".

It's not a handy personality test self-categorization thing. It's something that's tested. By professionals. Only.

#anon ask #long post

[bandofchimeras]

An observation on the overlap between addiction/neurodiversity:

Most of my friends and partners have been bipolar, ADHD, autistic, OCD, some combination, and so on.

Most of them have also been addicts or are attempting sobriety.

Most of us have been attempting to self medicate.

But the thing that makes addiction addiction is that the medication addresses the wrong thing. In fact it tends to make some symptoms so much worse and lead to believing our brains are just "like that" when really it's the side effects on top of implicit tendencies. For example:

No, your memory problems are not all ADHD. Smoking weed all day everyday (to treat emotional dysregulation and dopamine lows) exacerbates memory issues. You may need stimulants and assistance learning coping skills and building systems to head off mood swings.

No, your forced speech and paranoia and delusions are not all bipolar. Doing meth (,to push through depression or executive dysfunction) exacerbates both these symptoms. You may need mood stabilizers and anti anxiety treatment.

No, your psychosis is not all from being schizoaffective or having religious trauma. Doing too many psychedelics in short order (to try to grapple with questions of reality and meaning) exacerbates psychosis. You may need antihistamines or mood stabilizers and psychotherapy.

Effectively and skillfully handling our minds, bodies and needs as neuroatypical people requires treating the root, not medicating the symptoms away, and while there should be no stigma associated with self medication, we often get our deeper mental needs confused with numbing surface symptoms.

That is my hot take today, perhaps more nuance later esp re the sometimes pernicious role of psychiatry in recovery of our full selves.

#addiction #recovery #cw drugs #drugs #neurodiversity #psychosis #adhd #bipolar

[zaharya]

Hey so you have ADHD and are in higher education, do you have any advice for an ADHD/autistic person going into college who struggles with motivation and studying? Also I figure it's worth a shot to ask but do you have any advice for handling autistic burnout caused overstimulation while not failing classes? Sorry if this is out of the blue but I'm really nervous and figured I'd ask

Phew, that's a rather big question, and I'm not sure it can be so easily answered 😅 These things depend heavily on your circumstances as well as individual factors, which obviously I know nothing about in your case. I also don't know that much about ASD, I'm afraid; certainly not enough to feel comfortable giving advice for it (sorry 😕).

I suppose I could give you the usual (and fundamentally true) speech about including buffer-times in your study schedules [ADHD time-tax; however long you estimate a task to take, multiply that by 3 or 4 (ideally 4 in the beginning), and that's how much time you actually plan for the task], setting partial deadlines with professors and supervisors, breaking down big assignments into small, manageable steps, make sure you get enough sleep, take breaks while studying etc. But I'm assuming you know all that.

Generally speaking, these struggles with motivation and studying with ADHD aren't usually very straightforward to combat. What works and what doesn't is highly individual; for example, in my case medication is an important factor, while that hardly matters for other people. I hate saying it but it's mostly something you have to figure out for yourself by trial and error. On top of that, most useful ADHD coping strategies tend to work for a while, then stop working, and at some point they suddenly work again. Don't dismay if a strategy that worked for you (idk, let's say Pomodoro timers) suddenly doesn't work anymore! Just switch to a different strategy for a while and try it again after a few weeks – at some point your brain will perceive it as new and shiny again, and it'll be helpful again. Personally, I just permanently cycle through strategies 😅

The few strategies that (more or less) continuously helped me throughout my uni career are almost exclusively things that involve other people somehow. For example body doubling to stay focused a little better, or having another person talk at when plan my assignments because talking it through helps me get my thoughts straight. So, I suppose my best advice is to build a solid support system; whether that consists of people you study with or other friends or family. Whoever you're comfortable with, actively seek support when you need it, even if that support is in passive form like just sitting with you while you work (aka body doubling). Also, if motivation is a problem, there's no shame in giving yourself external incentives! Reward yourself! The idea that motivation must be intrinsic is simply not viable for neurodivergents. We're just not wired that way, and that's fine; extrinsic motivation is just as well.

Otherwise, I'd recommend looking into what accommodations are available at your uni; more time on tests or extendable deadlines can make a big difference! Also, and I know that's really hard, if you notice that you're slipping in a course, contact your professor sooner rather than later. Perhaps I am overly optimistic, but in my experience, most profs are understanding enough and happy to help if you communicate openly with them (before the deadline is two days away). Of course, that won't always be possible, and sometimes you'll think "shit now it's already too late" – it's still better to message them immediately than after three days of berating yourself, which helps nobody.

... well that got longer than expected, I apologise 🙈 I wish I had a better answer for you, but I'm afraid my best advice is really just to find other neurodivergent people to connect with, for mutual support. Whether IRL or online, a solid support community can make a huge difference. (I took the liberty of peeking at your blog and saw that you're into Merlin; we have a Merlin Discord server that is overwhelmingly neurodivergent, if you'd like to join us? It's called The Merlin Library / @themerlinlibrary – we have a bunch of people who sometimes body double together on VC or help each other plan assignments etc. No pressure of course, just an offer!)

In any case, I wish you the best! 💜

#ask answered #ask #adhd #college #strategies