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lbulldesigns · 14 days

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AITAH FOR GHOSTING MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS FOR THREE YEARS, FOR MY OWN MENTAL HEALTH?

Posted 7th of January, 2024

Disclaimer: mentions of self-harm, violence, and attempted suicide.

Please bear with me. This post will be long.

I (21f) have been estranged from my family for the past three years.

I want to start off by saying that my family aren't bad people. They were never abusive, and they did care for me, but they could never understand me or the full extent of my issues.

Some background. When I was around five, my sister (26f), we'll call her V, and I witnessed our parents' death at the hands of some trigger-happy Enforcers. We don't know why they decided our parents deserved to die, but they did, and we were left orphaned when the authorities couldn't find any other family to take us in.

We bounced around in the system for a while, fearing being torn from each other at any moment, before a family friend was able to foster and then officially adopt us. Our AD (adoptive dad) was a godsend, he was and still (to my knowledge) is the most patient and gentle man I know. Despite looking like a wolf LOL.

Along with gaining a new father we also gained two brothers (twin 23m) the older twin (C) takes after our dad, Kind and patient. The younger twin (M) however is a little nasty bitch, who took upon himself to make my life in particular an ongoing hell. He was never physically abusive, but he was verbally abusive. It felt like not a day would go by when he wasn't putting me down and treating my existence like it was something insignificant. He never had a problem with V, just me.

For the first six years everyone else would defend me, put him in his place, and overall hold him accountable but at some point, they stopped holding him accountable and just expected me to grow a thicker skin. I still remember the day when I went crying to my sister and rather than comfort me, just rolled her eyes and asked if I could maybe not take him seriously because she needed to finish her group project. To her credit, she apologised for that but it was hard to rely on her after that.

Long story short, M made my home life unbearable, and I had bullies at school that made it unbearable. Especially once I was in high school and my best (and only) friend started making friends of his own. I want to say that I was cool with this, but in reality, I turned into an absolute brat and refused to get along with any of them. I wish I didn't, but I just couldn't help but feel betrayed and genuinely acted on those emotions.

And this is how I was with everyone. Constantly betrayed and acting out. It was no wonder everyone I knew got sick of me.

My Dad was constantly worrying about me.

My older brother avoided me as much as possible, to avoid my outbursts.

My sister was just constantly swinging between feeling guilty, angry, and just done with my constant outbursts. Especially when these outbursts were directed at her girlfriend, who constantly talked about how she wanted to be an Enforcer to protect others (take a wild guess why I couldn't like her). V even slapped me for something I said (I can't remember what) to her GF that made her cry.

And my best friend... hates me.

It's my own fault, obviously.

What led to the title of my post is this.

I told my (former) best friend that I loved him and wanted to be with him, and he just raged at me. Apparently, he was seeing someone and thought that I was pulling something in order to break them up. He didn't believe me when I said that I didn't know he was in a relationship (I genuinely didn't know) but he wouldn't hear it and called me an AH and said he was done with me.

I felt humiliated and heartbroken, when I got home that day I was crying and M was the first person, unfortunately, who I came across. And the first thing he does is scoff and roll his eyes, and said "fucking crybaby".

I don't fully remember what happened, I blacked out, but I remember my dad pulling me off of M and his face was a bloody mess. I'm pretty sure that I broke his nose and then some, my dad was so angry. The angriest I've ever seen him; he actually shook me by the shoulders and demanded what was wrong with me. And when I couldn't answer, they told me to get out. Which I did.

I just bolted from the house, the sound of shouting behind me, and just kept running until I got to the Bridge of Progress.

I was just so empty and lost, and the water below looked so tempting. I was about to end it all when my guardian angel showed up.

Ez (21m) was walking by when he saw me about to jump and, without hesitation, climbed up next to me and asked what we were doing.

He saved me that day, without even trying. He listened to my whining and rather than offer me empty promises of "it'll be okay" instead said "girl you messed up. Wanna go on an adventure with me?"

We've been friends ever since.

I took him on his offer and went home to collect some things, when I got there the lights were off so I climbed up to my bedroom window and let myself in. I grabbed my clothes, some saved up cash, my laptop, and my documents (in case I needed them) and left a note for my family saying "bye".

And that was three years ago. I haven't been in contact with them, I don't follow them on social media, and I left my mobile behind so they were never able to get hold of me.

I completely and utterly. Ghosted them. And I don't entirely regret it.

In the last three years I have gained close friends, experienced new things, seen interesting things, and have felt well enough to actually want to seek therapy. My mental health improved greatly, although I still have issues but still am lot better than I was before.

However, I can't help but feel like an AH. My family weren't bad, just fed up. They are genuinely good people (even M) it's just that I bring the worst out in people. But recently I've been wondering if I should reach out or not.

What if doing so disrupts their lives? What if my leaving improved their lives?

I don't know.

AITAH if I reach out to my family after ghosting them for three years?

(This is a fanfic. Please read tags)

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fob4ever · 1 year

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fall out boy / alt press #207, october 2005

#trigger warning for mentions of suicide #for anon ! also just a real bummer of a read like how andy didnt even know about petes attempt #until this interview and how pete was holding onto a copy of tttyg in the car in the best buy parking lot #just.. augh :( i dont know. i appreciate how honest he’s always been and im glad he is doing better now #article

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disastercomingfaster · 28 days

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Never Alone-A Taylor Swift Imagine

I guess I've mentioned here that I've been going through a rough time right now. Well, like every normal person, I decided to take my own experiences and cope with them by making a sad Taylor Swift imagine. Please proceed with caution, this does have themes of suicide. I hope you enjoy.

Sobs shook your body as you desperately debated your next move. You have the sleeping pills on the passenger seat, completely ready for you to take the final step. Is this what you wanted? It sure seemed like the best option; the pain would end, right? At least it’s supposed to. But that opened a whole new anxiety. What was after? What if it was worse? What if it was nothing? You punched the steering wheel in frustration. Why not just go back to Taylor? Back home? Forget about this whole thing and cuddle up in bed? “You don’t deserve her.” You cried, punching the wheel again. “You don’t deserve anyone. You’re a piece of shit.” You practically jumped when your phone started to vibrate. Shit. Did she already find the note? She wasn’t supposed to find it yet. You tried to ignore the ringing and take the pills. This was for the best for everyone…right? Your phone buzzed again. Taylor. Shit. You set the pills down, trying to get a hold of what was the next move.

Read the full story on AO3

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shootingstarpilot · 3 months

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Return ask for the tag game! I would like to hear a bit about the time loop continuation from Helix's PoV, because that sounds devestating and I'm here for it.

ohohoho okay thank you very much for this because i have thoughts

imagine. you're getting ready for bed. you survived another day. your jedi found whatever creepy force banthashit thing drew them here. and yeah, you've been told that it'll probably serve as a beacon because the creatures you've been dealing with for this whole goddamn slog are apparently drawn to it like sharks to chum but it's contained now, so you're- not hopeful. that's dangerous. but maybe- looking forward to going home. looking forward to a rest.

stitch is bundling himself up in a dozen different paper-thin blankets because abregado is cold as fuck, needle is- either helping or hindering, you can't tell very well, but they're both laughing so you're not too worried. as long as they're safe. as long as they're safe.

you go to bed.

you wake up.

stitch is still asleep, you can see him breathing.

needle is gone.

this isn't... out of the ordinary, you know. needle tends to wander and one of the primaries is usually in demand more often than not.

you have exactly eight minutes to delude yourself thusly before you hear outside- footsteps, fast-approaching, a flurry of voices, and you're on your feet in the instant before your general ducks through the tent entrance with someone in his arms-

and that someone in his arms-

in his arms is-

he deposits him on a cot- unconscious, breathing, breathing, breathing, what- and then he turns to you, white-faced, steady, reaches up, cups your face-

he tells you to listen. to not panic.

then he tells you that your little brother wandered into the command tent and tried to shoot himself in the head.

he tells you, as well, that it's not- it's not- there was something in the force, he says, it wasn't-

(-wasn't like so many other brothers, on kamino and off, the ones who were left alone, who were left behind, who left as well-)

you have stopped listening.

you stopped listening the moment tried to shoot himself in the head left your general's mouth.

(he tried to-)

he lets you go. tells you that he should sleep for the next day or so, enough to get packed up, to get back to the ship.

(he tried to-)

you nod.

(he tried to-)

your general turns and the tent is empty again except for you and stitch and needle on the bed-

needle. your first-found, first-loved brother.

(he tried to-)

twenty-four hours, your general told you.

twenty-four hours to dissect the past day. the past week. the past month, months, the past three years-

(he tried to-)

you are trying to find what you missed.

what you missed, that needle would try to-

you can't.

and the worst part- not the worst part, the worst part is that needle had tried to- to- but a worst part-

stitch knows something you do not.

it is in the way he shouts down the standard protocol- the padded cuffs, for patients at risk of self-harming, the medics cannot be everywhere at once and it's safer should they wake up alone.

it is in the way he holds needle's head, tells him gentle, gentle, still sleeping- still my needle.

it is in the way he avoids your gaze.

stitch, you realize slowly, is not surprised.

#HAVING BIG FEELINGS IN THIS CHILI'S TONIGHT FOLKS #shoulder the sky #time loop au #with all associated trigger warnings #referenced suicide attempt #attempter didn't realize it was a suicide attempt #helix and stitch do not know this

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morgandoesstuffsig · 7 months

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Can you pleaseeeeeee do a comfort/angst Adam Murray x reader where Adam walks in on y/n cleaning up all the evidence after either s/h or a sewerslide attempt 😢

!!! sure :33 im also trying out new formatting so <3 I GT A LITTEL DISTRATCED MAKING THIS SORRY

TRIGGER WARNINGS : SU*CIDAL THOUGHTS, S*LF HARM, HEAVY BLOOD MENTION, RELAPSES, IMPLICATIONS THAT READER HAS ATTEMPTED BEFORE, READER SEES BLOOD AS 'SICKENINGLY BEAUTIFUL' MULTIPLE TIMES, FAILED SUICIDE ATTEMPT

❧ in which adam murray finds his lover holding a knife to their own flesh. ✦ a/n : ignore the header there's not very many for bps overall😔 ☼ proceed with caution ! this is your final warning. if you are uncomfortable with aforementioned topics, please just scroll.

♪ now playing... Ola Ola St 2009 by t0ughpysch0 !

YOUR FIRST MEMORY OF TODAY WAS BLOOD. It wasn't like you'd awaken to the sight of it- more like, that's when your consciousness had kicked in. Slits of red coded your wrists and thighs, and you could do nothing but stare at them before looking over at your bloody knife. You didn't usually use a knife when you relapsed.

Maybe this wouldn't be just a relapse this time.

The knife raised up to your throat as you stared dead into the bathroom mirror, watching as you began to sink the cold metal deeper into the flesh of your neck, small droplet of blood both from the knife and the small, and soon to be growing, wound that began to adorn your skin. White noise overcame your hearing sense as you watched the crimson liquid drip down. How sickeningly beautiful.

Preparing to slit your neck deeper, you took the deepest of breaths you could before the clattering of metal against marble echoed throughout the bathroom. The knife was no longer in your hands, yet a larger slash embellished your palm.

You didn't get to look at it for long before your hand was grabbed by another, familiar one.

"What the hell were you thinking?!" Adam yelled as your gaze finally trailed back up to his face, taking in each inch of his horrified expression.

The tears threatening to stream down his face, the way he trembled as he held your hand, the obvious grimace on his face, and his wide blue eyes, panic evident in them. Even more was fear. Fear not of you, but far of losing you.

"You- You told me you'd..!" He groaned, his grip on your hand involuntarily tightening for a moment before he shakily exhaled, "You told me you'd at least tell me when these- these thoughts came back!"

"I'm sorry." What more could you say? It was too late to warn him now.

"Don't... apologize. It's not your fault. I.. I just.." He sighed, closing his eyes for only a moment, "Let me hug you. Please."

"Okay," Who were you to deny him? His arms snaked around you, his face leaned against your body as he gripped you in a tight embrace.

"I'm sorry for yelling at you. I didn't mean to. I'm just..."

"Scared?"

"Yes. I don't know what I'd do without you." He sighed, looking back at you as soon as he'd opened his eyes again, "I know that sounds selfish, but I mean it. I need you here." You had nothing to say to that, so he took it as a cue to continue speaking.

"I know it's probably hard for you to convince yourself to even get out of bed in the mornings, much less continue living without... hurting yourself. But..." He trailed off, leaning his head onto your shoulder, "I know it'll get better as time moves on. I-I'll make sure of it. But, how will you see how wonderful tomorrow will be if you don't ever make it there?"

"I need you," He hiccuped after a while.

"I know."

"Please stay." He begged.

There was no reply. You didn't know for sure. But you'd try at least. Even if it wasn't for yourself. It was for him, at least. He needed it. You might've needed it too.

#morgan.died : writes #adam murray x reader #tmc adam murray #adam murray #mandela catalogue adam #tmc x reader #tmc #tmc adam #tmc adam x reader #big trigger warning #tw blood #tw self harm #tw suicide attempt #tw failed suicide #tw suicidal tendencies #tw relapse

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uh-leck-see · 6 months

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E.R. "Going Home"

#ER #er series #Carol Hathaway #Julianna Margulies #nbc er #ep01x03 #tv show #Jerry Markovic #Abraham Benrubi #tw #trigger warning #tw suicide attempt #tw sui talk #90s tv #90s tv series #uhlecksee #gifs #eredit #er

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monkiebois · 1 year

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ive totally not been stalking your blog and noticed you have some actually good nezha angst content! which like nobody has ;-;

im sorry if you have already done this, but drop your angsty nezha hc's here? basically any angsty hc's for him you want ig

LOL THANKS, i actually haven't done that yet, just sprinkle ideas here ad there for people to read.

alright *cracks knuckles* angsty Nezha hc's here we go. buckle up cause theres gonna be ALOT.

TW--- mentions of child abuse, self-harm, suicide and violence. if u know Nezha's mythology then you know what im talking about. even if you dont Be cautious reading this i will highlight the suicide andself harm stuff in red. the child abuse is all the first half of this post

most of the first part is based off of Nezha's mythology in investiture the gods, some are creative liberties.

Nezha is literally a neurodivergent kid who has been told to stop doing the things he does bc there're 'annoying', 'rude', or 'weird'. which... their not. he just does things differently because he's neurodivergent.

no one was ever nice about telling him to do things differently. or...'normally'. he was always told off in a negative sense. it was straight-up child abuse.

of course back then it wasnt seen as child abuse much, since neurodivergancy wasnt a thing they knew about nezha was just a troublesome child, a burden. and in nezhas eyes no matter how much he tried, no matter what he did he was never enough. he was convinced that he was a mistake and a dissapointment. born with so much potential only to be thwarted by his "troublesome nature"

this "troublesome nature" was just normal neurodivergent things. normal kid things. but no one ever considered that, the only one that did was his mom. she was nicer then the rest of his family. not the greatest of course but compared to the others she understood that he was a child.

i heard its implied somewhere his father wouldnt let him out of the house for the first seven years of his life. Nezha had to sneak out and his mother would call him back inside whenever his father came back home.

one day while outside he met a man with orange hair, bright like the sun in the sky. A man with kind eyes a soft voice. the complete opposite of his father. the man stayed in the village for a few days. he kept nezha company and for once. nezha felt...safe.

but he had to leave sooner or later. even so the man promised to come back (it was wukong on his journey for immortality, disguised as a human)

his father was very picky on the way things were done, Nezha sometimes did things differently or hell probably forgot often. because ynow....hes a kid. but often that wasnt enough. there were times his father was angry, very angry. and instead of being a fucking adult about it he let it out onto Nezhas shortcomings. screaming fits, throwing things. and Nezha had to stand still, 'take it like a man' despite being a literal child. until his father was done poking and prodding at every little 'flaw' Nezha had.

all he wanted was to make his family proud.

then the dragon thing happened.

he just wanted to play with his friends.

he just wanted to protect his friends.

he just wanted to be a kid

he just wanted to do the right thing.

in a last-ditch effort to keep any blame off of his family, to keep his village safe from the dragon's wrath he took a sword at twelve years old and killed himself. offering his dead body as compensation.

he was 12

he was a child.

the man with orange hair came back and asked about Nezha. he was too late.

when he was reincarnated into a lotus body those scars remained. Scars on his hands from grabbing onto the blade and making his hands bleed. scars on his chest from....yeah, he has one on his left arm, stretching across his upper to lower arm and a shorter one on his right upper arm. both were accidental. and one on his neck.

the ones on his neck and chest were not accidental.

im not going into detail but....yeah.

His lotus body...its not exactly fit for him.

his powers i mean.

its too much.

remember how bai he's body started to crack and break due to being too weak for lbd's powers.

okay think of that but nezha in his god form.

if he uses that form for too long his body will crack until it finnaly shatters and nothing is left but a single lotus flower.

thats Nezha.

he's regenerating.

to keep this from happening too often he uses alot of weapons.

no one in heaven knows of this weakness.

Nezha began working in heaven after the whole.....trying to kill his father thing.

Context: his father destroyed a temple nezha's mother had built for nezhas soul to rest in so when nezha was reincarnated he wanted revenge.

anyways

Nezha did not have a good time working in heaven. he was 12 and...well lets just say the lotus body didnt exactly look. godlike. so over the course of a few years he use glamor and transformation magic to change his appearance. to not only look more godlike but older as well. that way people would respect him. no one would consdescend him. no one would have a reason to yell at him or poke and prod at his weaknesses.

his body doesnt grow. he's stuck the same way he was when he died.

its not a bad thing.

its really not.

he can be the child he was never allowed to be.

but he doesn't let himself be that.

he works and he works and he works.

desperate to earn respect.

desperate for people to no longer look down on him.

so he pretends to be an adult.

on one hand theres nothing really wrong with his older form, its the reason he has it thats the problem.

he stays in his older form most of the time bc...well come on. being a kid isnt always great.

despite the fact that he doesnt grow he is mature.

thousands of years of living will do that.

hes still a kid but he has many years of experience.

so being in his older form isnt a bad thing, it helps him do things that would be harder in his normal form.

like reaching tall places.

(even though he is mature due to years of experience and transforms to look older my nezha is still a child please respect this)

or fighting.

anyways

he was there when swk was punished. he didnt like any of it. at first he thought swk was just a troublesome demon but then...then he started seeing what was really going on.

it reminded him too much of his own experience.

he didnt like any of it. and when the burning of ffm happened he only pretended to join the fight. he even managed to face swk for a moment.

only for them to finally recognize each other. Swk knew this was the child from a home of thunder and lightning. Nezha knew this was the man of the sun with kind eyes.

Nezha was injured and swk told him to run and where to hide for the time being.

after it was all over...Nezha was forced to watch as swk...the only man to ever show him true kindness. the only man he feels safe around...was tortured by heaven.

he hated every second of it and to this day it haunts his nightmares. all of it. ffm. the torture, the furnace. for the following 500 years he was under the mountain Nezha had nightmares about swk blaming him for not freeing him.

worst 500 years of his life.

so much guilt.

and he already has so much on his shoulders that he is still learning how to handle.

after the journey they met up again. Nezha could barely stand to talk to him. the guilt clawing at his throat and thumping in his chest.

swk seemed cheery as ever though.

nezha invited him to tea at his home.

he moved out of his families place bc "hes an adult"

he just needed to get away from his father.

swk accepted.

it was nice for a moment. just a little bit.

then swk mentioned the elephant in the room.

he saw nezha and how horrified he looked during...that.

he wanted to ask nezha if he's okay.

for a moment nezha was silent. couldnt bear to meet his eyes.

then all the glamors and transformations fell.

every wall he'd built and fortified over the past thousand years crumbled and for once he finally let himself cry.

like a child.

swk dropped whatever he was holding (poor teacup) and immediately held the poor suffering child in front of him.

dad

Swk is dad

that day Nezha spent the rest of the afternoon letting out everything he had been holding inside. so much for someone so young.

that was the day swk adopted nezha.

nezha didnt know he was adopted swk just started showing up to his temple more often.

when swk told nezha, nezha laughed thinking it was a joke, then he got a little angry. nezha thinks he can take care of himself. he can...but he's not exactly very good at self care. swk told him he doesnt wanna coddle nezha. just... be there when he really needs it. be that person that nezha can run to when everything becomes too much.

nezha cried again.

so. yeah.

thats nezha.

he hides who he truly is from celestial eyes. working endlessly to become the perfect image of a celestial god. doing everything he can to seem perfect and untouchable. strong and unbreakable.

Swk has a room in every home he owns thats set up for Nezha to rest in whenever he needs.

Nezha and swk's dynamic doesnt exactly change much like in the show. Nezha doesnt exactly like how much Swk acts like a goofball. he's less tolerant of it around other people. then goes to ffm with him ranting about how swk is a king, a high ranking individual with alot of power. he should act more like it.

all, while he's in his true form and sits on swk's shoulders.

all while he and swk sit beside a river and lets swk braid flowers into his hair and then eat fruit on a cliff as the sun sets for dinner.

then nezha falls asleep on swk's side and she carries him home and tucks him into bed.

FFM, is a safe haven for nezha when he needs it.

swk is a safe person. the only person who ever sees his true form.

when nezha was assigned to protect the samadhi fire he felt as if he finally had the respect he's been working towards.

he stopped visiting swk as often bc of his duties.

he still visited just. not as often as before.

even so, they are father and son. nothing can change that

for more info heres some links to other posts where i talk about nezha. its mostly for au's but alot of it is also within my own hc's and not just au's

im picking out the angst ones just for u

general hc's masterpost(wip)

Nezha and his Monkey dad

Fragility

he's not good at self care

1Mother?

2Mother?

Picky eater

Sick

Unconditionally

They didn't deserve you

anyways this was fun to make. thanks mercy ive been meaning to talk about all of this for a while now

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sadtrashking · 11 months

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I had the let the brainrot out don’t worry were gonna get back to our regularly scheduled qsmp.

#art #dsmp #tubbo #c!tubbo #tubbo fanart #dream smp #drawing #digital art #artists on tumblr #rory does shit #trigger warnings ahead #smoking #drugs #Suicide #implied suicide #suicide attempt

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ouchhq · 4 months

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am i so hard to care about?

#i need to vent and i know u guys cant stand me because i can feel it (and certainly from the anon hate) but i think im gonna have an ulcer #if i dont put this out somewhere #SH s*icide tw !!!!!#i need some advice or opinions because i feel like im losing it #i dont understand why my friends cant care about me #i know !!! i know i seem out of touch and insane because i say this so often and the question to someone reading would come natural: maybe #it is just ur perception…. maybe u suck ass as a friend too #and i do ponder about that!!!!!! i take those possibilities into consideration i do. and i genuinely dont think i suck as a friend. i always #check in. if they seem off i ask how they feel. i ask updates on their stuff. i dont think i deserve this tbh #but especially when i am struggling they just disappear #like even when i reach out and let them know im doing bad. they clearly read my measages and choose to ignore them #these are supposed to be my best friends #these days ive been so bad. and trigger warning again #i just feel so suicidal and i have been hurting myself in the desperate attempt to cope and manage these thoughts #and i dont tell them these things #i dont share the details because 1) it is too much to dump on someone and 2) they dont show any interest even on the surface level of my #problems so i just wouldnt tell them the deeper issues #i am just in so much pain. and i also feel a lot of anger because of their behavior. i feel so so hurt by it. so many years of this going on #of them just not even acknowledging my struggles while i was in the midst of them and trying still to support them and be there for e #whatever they had going on. and getting nothing in return #i hate that i feel so angry but i do. and ive been swallowing this anger and pain for so long i feel it eating my insides #even my therapist doesnt understand why i am friends with people that dont care about me #i dont know what i should do #i want to say something #actually i already talked about this to one of them one year ago exactly and i told her all these things and she just said she didnt know #why i was ignored. and then still kept being a part of it #the thing is i am so upset and my mental health is so so so bad. i am supposed to spend new years eve with them in two days but i dont know #how i can do that feeling like this #but if i speak to them about it i think it will also ruin the mood #if someone has any thoughts or advice it would be very welcome….

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krikeymate · 1 year

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slight Canon divergence

What if Sam also deals with major depression because of everything that’s been going on. Tara pushing her away, not really having a focus or goals for the future outside of Tara. And if Tara doesn’t want her then what does she have to live for?

Cue her argument with Tara at the beginning of the 6 leaves her feeling so depressed that she actually tries to end her life. This way she won’t be a burden to Tara anymore and Tara wont have to deal with people coming after them. She genuinely believes Tara would be better off without her and Tara wants her to let her go and the nsuper angsty aftermath of Tara realizing that Sam is missing, Tara getting the call that Sam is in the hospital for the attempt and then the subsequent rush of guilt that just ruins her as she sits at Sam’s bed side waiting for her to recover.

Sam has depression with anxiety, Tara has anxiety with depression.

Tara wants her to let her go. But how can she? How can she let go of her whole world? Who is she without her sister? She can't do that again. Sam never realised how empty her life was until she held her sister in her arms again. She spent five long years surviving without her heart, nothing but a zombie stumbling her way through life in the hopes it would lead her back home once again. But what do you do when you find it and it shuts the door in your face?

Sam can't do anything but let the latest argument stew around in her head as she sits at the bottom of the complex stairs. Tara's right. She can't just follow her sister around for the rest of her life, can she? Tara's not like Sam. She's normal. She's going to lead a normal life: get a degree, get a real job... meet someone... settle down, have a family of her own... Sam doesn't fit into that equation. Tara... she- she wouldn't be happy with the vision of the future Sam holds. One where they're eternally young and wrapped in each other's arms, where no one can rip the other away from them.

Sam finds she can't sit there any longer. She needs fresh air, she needs a walk.

Tara does her best not to make it obvious how hard her heart is racing as the tv drones on. She closes her eyes, trying to breathe deep. This can't be happening, not again. It's a coincidence, it has to be, it has to be. I need to just breathe and think clearly and I need... I need... I need Sam.

"Where's Sam?" Thankfully it's Mindy who pulls the words right from her brain. Tara opens her eyes to find Chad in the doorway, shaking his head. "She's not down there."

Tara finds her body moving of its own accord. Her feet take her back to her room, her hand fishing in her pocket for her phone. It rings, and rings, and rings, and- the number you have dialled cannot be rea- Tara slams the phone onto her bed in frustration. "You're supposed to pick up when I call!"

Sam feels her phone vibrating in her pocket, but can't bring herself to look at it. The night air is chilly as she sits in her still-damp shirt, but Sam doesn't really feel it. She's having trouble feeling anything at all. Her hands fiddle with a switchblade aimlessly. Open, closed. Spin it around. Open, closed. Spin it around. Open, clos- ouch. A car horn in the distance makes her jump, knife slipping and cutting into the meat of her palm.

Later, Sam will wish she knew what to say when asked why and what were you thinking. The truth is that she doesn't know why, and she wasn't really thinking at all. It was instinct, perhaps. A thirst for blood that sits in her very bones, starving for another sip, another taste. The next cut is deliberate. The sting feels delicious, it feels. There's a moment where Sam doesn't think about her sister, where she just focuses on the pain and the blood, and then the knife is slipping from her fingers to the floor, and she realises how dizzy she feels, how cold it's gotten. How deep she's cut. Oh, she thinks. Tara's gonna be so mad at me.

She manages to call 911 before she passes out.

Tara hates hospitals.

She's spent her entire life in and out of them. Usually as the patient. Somehow, being the visitor is worse.

She sits there unable to tear her eyes away from Sam's wrists, bandaged and tied down to the bedframe. A necessary precaution, just in case, the nurse told her, not unkindly. It wasn't very reassuring.

This is her fault, she knows. She knows. Sam's always been the strongest person of them all, but that doesn't mean she doesn't have a weak point, something that makes her fragile. Tara knows that weak point is her. She may as well have held the knife herself.

She scoots the chair forward, and brushes her fingers over her sister's arm. She has to do better, she thinks. She blew up at Sam tonight, and it was unacceptable. She needs to get control over herself, for her sister. She can't let what happened last year have this power over her. She's stronger than that, she has to be stronger than that. For Sam. Sam needs her.

#/mp #ask box #Scream #Sam Carpenter #Tara Carpenter #my writing tag #scream canon divergence #topic: trauma #topic: neurodivergence #topic: medical #-hospitals #trigger warning #-> self harm and suicide attempt #the depression with anxiety/anxiety with depression thing is not the same thing btw! they're two very different experiences!#i would know. i've dealt with both. they like to change hands occassionally to keep me on my toes.

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sunwarmed-ash · 1 year

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🔥Sinful Sunday🔥

Silence Isn't Golden: Ch 4 *Voters Choice*

Fandom: Harry Potter, the gayer, darker AU

Ships: Drarry, dubcon Snaco

Rating: Explicit

Word Count: 7k+, WIP

Trigger Warnings: Dubious Consent Snaco, suicide attempt, mental illness, eating disorder, torture, gaslighting(nothing is graphically depicted but seriously take care of yourself this is a heavy angst one)

Tags: Dark AU, Evil snape, Broken Draco, Mute Draco, Heavy Angst, First person POV, Draco's POV, Post-Second Wizarding War with Voldemort (Harry Potter), Hurt Eventual Comfort, Auror Harry, Secret Agent Man Dobby, It gets dark before it gets better, here's the dark, hopeful ending because I can't promise happy ending with trauma healing

Summary:

Tuesday. Outside of the Edinburgh flat. 9:07 AM

Dobby looks up at the suspiciously normal-looking apartment complex with tredeptation. His small hands fumble and wring against each other, terrified of what he has to do next. He can feel the magic pulsing from the building all the way out here, in the fueling station parking lot across the street. It's going to hurt, that's a guarantee, and when he gets inside, well, there's no telling who he will meet first. He just hopes and prays it's Draco and not Severus.

He takes one more steadying breath of fresh air before his eyes narrow at the room he senses the youngest Malfoy to be in. With a snap of his fingers, he disappears from his spot on the ground and is thrust through the first protective layer of the ward.

#sinful sunday #drarry #silence isnt golden #suicide attempt tw #eating disorder trigger warning #gaslighting tw #harry potter #fanfiction #find me on ao3 #sunwarmed ash #draco malfoy #mute draco #harry x draco #draco x harry

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trashideas · 1 year

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About the AU:

Everyone is aged up (except Dokja)

The Company just wants Dokja to have a good fucking childhood

This is like... Set in some time where everyone from the Company knows Dokja but he doesn't know them.

The Company is all looking for him, Joonghyuk is the first to find him

However, there were some complications for his transition into the world. He is a cat.

WARNING: TW aftermath of suicide attempt, manipulation (bc of kdj Aunt), overall depressing themes

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Part 1

After Kim Dokja’s little fall out the second story window, he is recommended to get a therapy dog by one of the doctors.

Of course, nobody wants to spend that kind of money on something a like dog, much less a dog specifically for Dokja’s comfort. Instead of telling that to Dokja, they say:

“The hospital bills are already putting a dent in our savings, we need to be on a strict budget because of you.”

In reality, the hospital is costing them nothing. The payment for the hospital is coming directly from Dokja’s mother’s money. Which- in turn- is actually Dokja’s money.

After the long weeks of being in the hospital, Dokja doesn't like being in his Aunt’s house anymore. He doesn't like the looks people keep giving him. Nobody talks to him, too afraid to be the next reason why Dokja jumps. People don't want his death on their hands, but they also don't want to be responsible for his life.

So he finds himself walking outside more often than not. He can't go far, his limbs are far too heavy for that. If it weren't for his aching muscles and screaming bones, Dokja is pretty sure he would walk until he couldn't find his way back his Aunt’s house.

Walking is a therapy of itself. It keeps his mind occupied and puts an aching pain in his bones. The pain keeps him grounded, out of his mind.

He has found a nice park while on his walks.

While it technically is supposed to be closed after sunset, nobody is near enough to tell he is there, and if people do notice, then they don't care. Because Dokja isn't bothering anyone, no one bothers him.

He likes to sit on the swings and scroll through his phone. Most of the time he is looking for something good to read rather than actually reading a webnovel, but the pass time is rewarding. Especially when he finds something truly good to read.

It's a rare occasion of actually reading something when it happens. He is a few chapters in of a novel called SSSSSSS-Class Infinite Regressor. The plot is interesting enough with enjoyable characters, but there is a nagging in the back of his mind. Something about it is familiar, and for some reason he doesn't like it. He is contemplating dropping it when he feels a set of eyes on him.

He checks the time. Ah... It's gotten late. Early? The white numbers of 1:32 stare back at him.

Someone must think he is doing something nefarious. He gets off the swing quickly. A little too quickly. His limbs are still weak from his... It hasn't been long since he left the hospital. Maybe a few months, so he hasn't fully recovered yet. Dokja thinks he is still supposed to be using crutches, but he lost them at his Aunt’s house at some point.

He stumbles awkwardly and falls to the ground. He has fallen enough to know how to hit the ground. Nothing is in pain and his phone is still in his hand, but he just doesn't have the energy to get up again. Whoever is watching him must have seen and he doesn't want to face the humiliation of getting back up.

He stares up at the blank sky. The light pollution of the city makes it impossible to see the stars.

“Mrrow?”

Dokja’s eyes snap to see a short-haired cat. Well, he thinks it's a cat. It's big enough to be something more akin to small leopard, but he doesn't see the fuzz that baby animals have and assumes that it's just a really big house cat.

The cat is staring at him with wide, yellow eyes. Dokja notices the little dot of white on it's chest. It's too dark to tell the true color of the cat. It's fur is dark, it could be grey or brown- but looks like a pure black under just the light of the moon.

The cat looks like it wants to approach but only stands just out of reach. Dokja isn't sure if he should hold out a hand or not. Despite its size, it doesn't look like a street cat. There are no wounds or scars that Dokja can see and its fur has a healthy sheen to it.

It must be someone’s house cat.

Or its just such a good fighter that no other cat can land a hit on it. Dokja laughs at this, light and airy. It fills him with a joy he hadn't expressed in a long while.

To be comparing a cat to some protagonist, Dokja’s mind must really be skewered.

The cat tilts its head in an obviously questioning manner.

“Sorry, you just reminded me of a character.”

The cat huffs.

Huffs!

Like an actual overdone main character.

Dokja can't help but compare him to the main character of Infinite Regressor, Yoo Joonhyun. He was the typical main character- cold and selfish. However, with the novel’s approach to writing, it allowed the reader to peek into his mind every now and then.

While he acted standoffish and almost rude at times, his mind was a different place. He was always caring for the people around him. Their best interests were always at the forefront of his plans even if it put them in harm's way sometimes.

Dokja decided to call the cat Yoo Joonghyuk. For some reason, the name came to him easily. Probably because it was just another version of Yoo Joonhyun.

“Yoo Joonghyuk,” Dokja said quietly, testing if he liked how it sounded.

The cat’s attention was grabbed immediately. With the uttering of the first few the syllables, the cat’s ears twitched so intensely that Dokja thought it was going to bolt away. Instead, it took a small step forward, and uttered a questioning, “Mrr?”

It's shining eyes bore into Dokja, as if looking through him. It almost made him uncomfortable. The cat was looking at him like it knew him. Like it knew everything about him and more.

Dokja finally sat up and laughed a little uncomfortably, “Ha-uhh, alright I guess that's your name.”

The cat’s ears drooped. Dokja thinks he said the wrong thing.

“Unless you wanna hear the other name options. What about Tank?”

The cat turns away. Sitting with its back at Dokja, but still giving him a nasty side-eye.

“Okay, not Tank... Did you like Yoo Joonghyuk?”

The cat’s ears perk again.

Dokja glances down at the time again, 1:56. He sucks in a breath. Fuck if they find out he was out late again, he might actually get punished. The noise must've sounded too much like a hiss because the cat is standing up quickly and turning to face him.

“Oh, sorry, it's okay- I just have to go now, sorry again for scaring you.”

Dokja gingerly got up with the help of the metal pole of the swing.

Dokja missed the worried look “Yoo Joonghyuk” gave him. However, he did not miss the loud meow the cat said as it trotted to stand beside him. Dokja did not want to think about how big the cat was next to him. It was nearly up to his knee. He was sure that if it decided to stand on its hind legs, then it would be the size of a child.

Dokja looks down at the cat, “Maybe I should call you Tank.”

The cat doesn’t react this time, but Dokja also doesn’t want to throw away the name of Yoo Joonghyuk. The name has grown on him.

“You’re right, Tank is a dumb name anyways.” He steals another glance down at his phone. “Ah- I actually have to go this time,” Dokja starts his version of a brisk walk- which is still embarrassingly slow, “Their alarm goes off at 3 for work,” Dokja feels the need to explain to the cat that is still following him. Was this cat trained for something? Or was it just naturally this friendly?

The cat- Yoo Joonghyuk, Dokja decided finally- kept following him through his walk back. Yoo Joonghyuk was quite talkative with some of the stories Dokja told throughout the walk, mostly when Dokja said something a little depressing. Joonghyuk was so attentive to Dokja’s words that Dokja started leaning away from heavy topics and discussed anything he saw to avoid the cat’s irritated mewls or growls. His sentences didn’t make sense more often than not, but that was okay. He was just talking to fill the silence of the streets.

Dokja didn’t like silence.

It wasn’t like Yoo Joonghyuk could understand him anyways. No matter how angry or confused the cat sounded, there was no way he actually understood him.

It was impossible.

Yoo Joonghyuk was a cat.

Dokja’s mind whispered about all the different types of isakai journeys he has read, and how some of them had the main character turn into some sort of animal that needed to go on an epic journey to become human again.

Dokja laughed to himself. He really was crazy, wasn’t he?

He was comparing the types of tropes in fiction to reality. That was the one thing that normal people were supposed to keep separate.

The cat meowed loudly, pulling Dokja out of his thoughts.

“Yeah?” he asked the rhetorical question for no real reason, “We are almost there, aren’t we?” Dokja looks around the familiar streets that are starting to be illuminated by the rising sun. “I should pick up the pace,” he says but doesn’t do.

#trigger warning: suicide attempt #well the aftermath of it #orv kim dokja #kim dokja #orv spoilers #cat Yoo Joonghyuk #Hes not happy with this #depressing themes #snippysnippet #yoo joonghyuk #orv au

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wildelydawn · 2 years

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For Vegas, Living is/was Painful.

🚨tw: mentions of suicide🚨

I can’t stop thinking about Vegas’ suicide attempt. I know that sounds kind of fucked up, but holy shit, is it such a loaded scene.

When he’s alone and staggering near the pool, Vegas is distressed. In that moment, maybe he realizes he’s a failure. He failed to overtake the Main family. His father is dead. Korn offering to take him and Macau in is humiliating for Vegas, so in the end, even his pride is gone. He won’t be able to take care of his brother, and for all he knows, Pete’s left him too. He has nothing left.

His face in the next few frames is terrifying because as he realizes he has nothing left, he really realizes there’s absolutely nothing left, and because of that, he can die. He’s strangely calm (which is a very clear sign of a potential suicide attempt from a depressed person.) He wraps his hands around the gun and stares downwards at it. Fixates on it because it’s a way out. Living is too painful, and now that he truly has nothing, there’s no reason to keep going. Death would be far easier for someone like Vegas, who has been in pain for his whole life (the pain of loss, the pain of abuse, the pain of never being enough, the pain of heartbreak.)

Yet, when he’s ready, when he puts the gun under his chin, Pete comes in. And Vegas lets out this agonizing scream that really shook me.

To me, he screams because there is a reason to live, and therefore, he has to keep enduring pain because living, regardless of love, is painful. Life is pure agony for Vegas, it always has been, so he initially feels calm when he sees a way out. And then he is devastated when he hears Pete because Pete is a reason to keep going; at the same time, life isn’t simply happiness from here on out. Living, even with Pete, will be incredibly painful. And that’s why I find his scream is so chilling because Vegas is aware of the repercussions of living.

However, Vegas turns towards Pete.

Because maybe a life that has no guarantees of happiness or promises of being pain-free with Pete is worth a shot. He turns towards Pete because maybe with Pete, he can endure whatever pain, old and new, may come his way.

While the last scene in the hospital isn’t Vegas actually attempting suicide again, his words here are just as troublesome.

This idea of being a burden is one that weighs heavily on many suicidal people. Many people who attempt believe they are a burden to their loved ones, that they cannot offer their family and friends more. Vegas feels that because he has nothing material or tangible left, he must be a burden to Pete. That he will only inflict more pain onto Pete because that’s all he’s known.

What Pete says in response to Vegas’ fears is, at first, strange, isn’t it? Shouldn’t Pete try to persuade Vegas that he’s not a burden? Wouldn’t anyone do that to a suicidal person: try to convince them that life is worth living? Instead, Pete says something that is steeped in hope. Pete’s words are hopeful. They’re simple. They’re an affirmation that regardless of what pain will inevitably come Vegas’ way, Pete will be there because Vegas is in his heart, and Pete’s always going to follow that. For Pete, living is hopeful, and thus, finally, Vegas believes it too when the scene comes to a close.

#just my interpretation #vegaspete #Vegas Theerapanyakul #pete saengtham #KinnPorsche #KinnPorsche the Series #KinnPorsche meta #this was really heavy to write about but I'm glad I did #because I do kinda get weirded out when people make fun of this scene #Vegas is not pathetic he's depressed and broken #KinnPorsche ep 14 #KinnPorsche Spoilers #TW: suicide #TW: suicide attempt #trigger warning #tw

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assassinhomecreedstuck · 9 months

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I think Nimona was a great movie, but the message about suicide is lost on me... Nimona attempting it on the statue, being temporarily stopped, being happy hugging with Bal for all of 5 minutes, then immediately sacrificing herself was a deeply unsatisfying and almost uncomfortable direction to go.

#nimona #suicide #trigger warning #as somebody who used to be a suicidal teenager this is a message that would have fucked me up back then #the message that somebody will be there to stop you if they truly love you is so unbelievably toxic #there was NO WAY for anybody to know she was going to do that if she hadnt turned into a 100 ft tall creature and stormed down main street #and then the message that it was somehow still okay for her to sacrifice herself #like yeah she saved everybodys lives but she still got to die #like bro when you attempt suicide you are at an absolute all time low and those feelings do not magically get resolved after hugging someone #for 5 whole minutes #attempting suicide can be literally traumatizing #tbh she was prob still at least slightly suicidal as she flew toward the canon #idk that part of the movie just feels really off to me

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varian-the-unstable-alchemist · 1 year

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Touch-starved

Varian was forcing himself to leave his Lab for once, something he hadn't done in days. He hadn't had enough energy or motivation to make himself presentable though, so he looked a bit like he'd just crawled out from under the bed. He hadn't eaten. He'd spent most of his time over the past few days laying on his bed in silence or a sedative-induced blackout and he couldn't have told you the difference between the two if asked. He hadn't been doing well and Ender's taunting only made it worse... At the moment, he was standing on the sidewalk next to a shopfront, zoning out and staring blankly at a lampost. He looked like hell...

//this curse won the poll, so let's give the boy so comfort.

Because oh boy does he need it.

Open rp! @purple-steven @gazmembranerp @bubble-steven @anyone really my brain is blank-

Sry I haven't been super active, I've been distracted by other stuff lol

#Slight trigger warning for this one #there may be brief mentions of past attempted suicide

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mydialect · 1 year

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How to Write a Suicide Note

Step 1: Get a piece of paper, or a note book, depending on how much you have to say.

Step 2: Grab your writing instrument. I don’t recommend markers, crayons or colored pencils.

Step 3: Pour your hearts out. Let everyone know what has been happening in your head and everything you feel is wrong in your life.

Step 4: Think about their faces while they read it.

Will your dad be able to survive this heartache? Can he identify your face without crying?

What about your cat? She will have no where to go. No one who knows her favorite food and when she gets fed. What will she do immediately after your death? Will cats actually eat their owners?

Your parents have been divorced for 10 years this will be the third time they have been in the same room since then. First was for your suicide attempt, second was for your hospitalization, last will be your success.

Do you dress nice for it? Make sure your body is pretty one last time? Don’t wear that dress that your step sister likes, you want to keep it safe enough to give it to her after. What about your birthday dress? You won’t live to see it anyways so whats the issue. Or do you want to be comfortable? Pjs and a hoodie. But what if blood covers the matching hoodie that you and your friend have?

How are you gonna do it? You're too hesitant with a knife. And you don’t want to make a big mess for whoever finds you to deal with. Too scared that taking pills is going to fail and you will just wake up again and have to keep moving forward. A noose would require you to get rope. What rope would you even use? Do you splurge for nylon or get the cheap inexpensive rope that makes your skin crawl?

Does your comfort even matter here? Its not like your whole life hasnt been hell anyways, why would you care about your own feelings now?

Is suicide the time to be selfish? Do you finally have permission to worry only about yourself? Or should you keep caring about others even while begging for deaths door?

Step 5: Fail again, give up or wake up the next morning covered in your own bodily fluids.

Step 6: Cry. Whether for yourself or others, you will cry.

Step 7: Go to class, or work, or home. Just keep moving on.

Step 8: Go to step 1 next time it is needed.

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