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justmeinadaze · 1 year

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Pushing the Barrier Part 3 (Eddie X Reader)

A/N: Like you guys I am extremely invested in their story. My brain has been all over the place so please excuse any grammatical errors. Holiday seasons are always harder for me. I love you guys and your thoughts on this story. I read them all <3

Warnings: I don't want reveal too much and spoil things but still got stripper Eddie here. He does talk and break down in great detail his trauma and the things he deals with. :(. Word Count: 3967

You slipped out of his apartment early in the morning while Eddie was still sleeping. You couldn’t sleep at all. The entire cab ride to your apartment you thought about last night. Everything about Eddie and the way he made you feel was amazing. That look in his eyes and the tone in his voice though remained front and center in your brain.

“I’m waiting for you.”

No matter what, you would end up hurting him. Hell, you were hurting him now. You were married to someone else. Your last name was someone elses. You did not belong to Eddie. Yes, your husband was an asshole but he was a good man once, right? Why else did you marry him?

“Excuse me, can you take me here instead please?”

You gave the cab driver the address as he swiveled around.

#############

When you walk into your husband’s office, his head is buried in paperwork. His eyes flick up towards you as you enter but he doesn’t move to greet you.

“Must have had a good time last night. You didn’t come home.”

“I stayed with a friend.” He answered with a sarcastic hm. “What did you expect? You yelled at me and said I looked like a whore.” Your husband exhaled as he leaned back in his gigantic chair. “Honestly, I’m surprised you even noticed I didn’t come home. You’re never there.”

“Here we go again. Look—”

You raise your hand to silence him. “Please. I… I’m your wife. I miss you, honey. Don’t you miss me when you’re here?” His eyes softened as he watched you speak. “Do you remember our first date? We stayed out all night walking around the city and just talked till the sun came up.” You both chuckle at the memory. “I miss that. I miss how we used to be. I’m so sick of being alone.”

You husband rose and walked to your side of his desk, leaning down on his knees to get to your level. “I miss you to, baby. I know I’ve been really busy here. I’m trying to make it to where soon I won’t have to work so hard. I promise I’ll do better, sweetheart.”

Eddie flashed in your head at the name and you tried to shake the image. You craned your neck, planting your lips on his. “Ok, I trust you. I love you.”

“I love you to, baby.”

###################

“Hello?” You answer the phone and are surprised when Mira’s lyrical voice comes through.

“Hey mama. It’s been a couple of weeks since you’ve come by. Is everything ok?”

“Yes? Do you do this check up with everyone who stops showing up?” You try to keep your voice low so your husband doesn’t wonder who you’re talking to. It was a Saturday and to your surprise he was actually trying to make good on his promise. You two had been watching television when the phone rang.

“No, baby. I actually have a favor to ask. Can you come by and see Eddie?”

Your heart dropped to your stomach. “Wha…I…um…”

“I don’t ask questions. I told you; we pride ourselves on privacy so I don’t know what happened between you two but since you stopped showing up his entire attitude has changed. He’s a lot more feisty than normal. I actually had to give out a refund for a client experience and send him home the other day. He’s a good man but if this keeps up I may have to fire him.”

“No! Mira, don’t do that.”

“He’s working a short shift today. I don’t have anyone booked for him and I won’t even charge you for this little counseling session. Just please, get his mind right.”

You sigh as you hang up the phone.

“Who was that?”, your husband asks as you head back towards him.

“One of my friends needing a pick me up. Her boyfriend broke up with her.”

“Oh no. Well, baby, you should go check on her. Bring some of the hard stuff.”, he points toward your liquor cabinet.

You climb into his lap and kiss him on the forehead making him chuckle. “I’ll be right back.”

#################

You feel extremely nervous as you open the door to Eddie’s room. When your eyes land on him your heart breaks in half. While he still looks handsome in his jeans and Metallica shirt, his eyes look worn as if he hasn’t slept in days. His head was leaning against his fingers as they pressed into his temple. He stared into his own reflection angrily.

“Hey Eddie.”

His eyes widened as he quickly got to his feet and marched toward the glass in front of him.

“Turn this fucking thing off NOW.” When you don’t respond or do what he asks he slams his palm into the glass causing you to jump. “You snuck out of my apartment. No note or anyway to reach you. You disappear for two weeks. I think I earned the right to see your face. Unless you’re too much of a fucking coward.”

He laughs to himself as he sits back down. “God damn, Sweetheart. What the fuck was I thinking? I guess we both had each other pegged wrong, huh? I thought you were different but, nope, you’re just like everyone else. I’m surprised you didn’t leave some money on my nightstand before you left.”

“Eddie, please. That’s not what this was.”

“Then what was it!?”

“I really do care about you but I owe it to the man I married to try.”

“Y/N, what the fuck are you talking about? He doesn’t give a fuck about you. With everything you’ve told me what makes you think this time is going to be any different?!”

“Eddie, you don’t know me or my relationship! He was a good man once and he really has been trying.”

“Oh yeah? Then why are you back here with me?”

“Because Mira told me that she was going to fire you if you didn’t get your shit together!”

He scoffed, rolling his eyes. “Eddie, you can’t afford to lose this job.”

His eyes angrily turned towards the front of the cube. “You don’t get to do that. You don’t get to pretend like you care about my well-being. Just get the fuck out of here and go back to your ‘blissful’ marriage.”

You flick the switch, turning off the two-way mirror and meet his fury filled stare. “I’m doing this because I care, Eddie.”

“Naw, baby. You’re doing this because you care about you. I should have known better. Selfish just like everyone else who enters my life.”

“I don’t want you to wait for me.” His head turns abruptly at your words. “I can’t have you waiting for me. It’s not fair to you.” You hug your arms around you. “You deserve to be with someone who puts you first.”

“So do you…” He sighs before you notice his eyes light up with an idea. “Do you trust me?”

“Of course I do.”

“Can you grab Mira for me?”

Without question you leave the room, grabbing Mira, and bringing her to Eddie. You wait outside in the hallway as the talk. After a few minutes she exits, smiling.

“Man is crafty; I’ll give him that. This way my dear.” She takes your hand in hers and leads you towards the back of the building but instead of going out the back door, you two pass it looping around to another hallway. Mira digs in her pocket for a set of keys and opens the door in front of her gesturing you inside. “If at any point you feel uncomfortable, you can just open the door and leave. It’s only locked to keep people out, not in.”

When you step inside the lights above you automatically turn on. You glance around taking note of the familiar throne chair and the guitar leaning next to it. Taking a seat, you look in front of you and are met with only your reflection.

“It’s a bit odd at first, I know.” You glance above you at the sound of Eddie’s voice. “I have to admit, I’ve never been on this side before. It’s kind of empowering.” You smile softly as you stand up and move towards the front of the glass.

“I thought maybe it might help a bit to put you in my shoes. In the corner there is my jacket. You can put it on if you want to.”

You do put on his leather jacket, inhaling the smell of his cologne.

“Go ahead, Princess. Take a seat.” Doing as he asks, you sit in the throne again, gazing at your image in the mirror. “Now, picture this. You’re a 20 something year old man from a small town in Indiana. You left your friends and uncle, the only family you care about, behind to move to New York to make something of yourself.”

“What about my parents? Where are they?”

His silence is tearing you apart. You would give anything to just be able to see his face.

“Your parents don’t talk to you anymore. Your dad is an abusive dickhead who’s in prison for pretty much the rest of his life and your mom surrendered you over to your uncle when you were a kid because she didn’t want to deal with you.”

A tear escaped your eye and you quickly wiped it away. You suddenly hear a soft knock on the glass in front of you and your eyes move towards the sound.

“You’d been struggling to make ends meet so you do some research and find Mira’s place here. You start doing this gig for strangers and 98% of them you can’t see. Some of them are extremely dirty.” His tone changes to much more gruff, authoritative one. “Take off your pants.”

You look up at the glass, your eyes searching frantically for him. Eddie’s voice comes through a bit more sternly. “I said take off your pants.” You do as your told, rising off the chair and pushing off your jeans, kicking them to the side.

“Good girl. Keep the shirt and jacket on. You look fucking sexy like that.” You felt your pussy start to drip at his words but something still felt off. It wasn’t the Eddie you had come to know. He wasn’t in front of you with that soft voice, telling you how beautiful you are. This really felt like someone else behind a window that only wanted one thing.

“Spread your legs open. Atta girl. Move your panties to the side so I can see that pretty cunt.” You did as he asked as his heavy breathing echoed into the cube

“Eddie, please tell me what you’re doing over there.”

“Oh no, Princess. You don’t get to ask me questions. I tell you what to do. Come here, babe. Crawl to the front on your hands and knees for me.” You hear the sound of his grunts as you move towards him. You place your palm against the glass and you can’t see it but he does the same.

A string of expletives including words like “slut” and “whore” leave his mouth as he pants. You suddenly hear his breathing slow and then nothing but silence.

You feel yourself start to panic. “Eddie?” You smack the glass. “Eddie, are you still there?!”

“Now, imagine,” you breathe a sigh of relief as he continues in his soft Eddie tone. “One night, this beautiful voice comes through. She just wants to talk to you about things. Mostly about how her husband abandons her at night to fall asleep alone. Sometimes he doesn’t come home and one night when she was feeling particularly beautiful, he told her she looked a whore.”

You feel the anger slowly rise into your chest as your bottom lip begins to tremble. He knocks again a little further to your left so you shuffle towards it, knocking back.

“This beautiful voice finally allows you to see her face, taste her lips, feel her body. She falls asleep in your bed but then the next morning you wake up and she’s gone. You could try calling her but you don’t have her phone number and Mira won’t give it to you because ‘we pride ourselves on privacy’,” he mimics her voice. “You can’t go to her apartment because you don’t know where she lives. The only place you’ve ever seen her is in there,” Eddie points to the glass, “and at a restaurant. Every day for the next two weeks you check in that restaurant thinking she may show up but she doesn’t. You play your gig at the bar she saw you at praying she may show up looking for you but nope.”

“You sit in that glass confinement for two…weeks… waiting,” Eddie flips the switch and his upset eyes meet your sad ones. “Then she finally shows up and says she owes it to her husband to try because she cares about you.” He tilts his head, watching your face.

“Eddie, I’m… I’m so sorry.”

“Why do you stay with him?”

You shrug as the tears start to fall. “He’s my husband. I—”

“Don’t say that again. Don’t say you owe him. You owe him shit especially with how he treats you. Do you honestly believe he’ll change? You need to leave him.”

“Would you?! What if the tables were turned?” You stand up and tower over him. “What if I told you this bothered me? You being naked and jacking off in front of people made me angry? What if I said I couldn’t be with someone who does something like this? What if I said ‘Eddie, it’s me or this’? What would you do?” Eddie glares up at you as you yell through the glass and you don’t even wait for an answer.

“Yeah. That’s what I fucking thought. So don’t you dare stand there and tell me what to do with my life!” You watch was he turns with clenched fists and exits the room slamming the door. “Oh, that’s nice. AND I’M THE FUCKING COWARD!” You scream after him as you repeatedly slam the barrier in front of you.

The door behinds you suddenly opens as Eddie flies through it until he’s in front of you. His hand reaches out to grip your chin, making you look directly at him.

“I would choose you. I would choose you every fucking time. No questions asked.” His hand released you but his body remained where it was. “If you want to go play house with your husband go ahead. That’s not going to stop me from waiting for you.”

Your jaw tightens as you swallow and Eddie sees it. “Oh yeah? And how many girls have you said that to? How many times have you sat in here and said something that to someone you’re attracted to?”

His face visibly flinches as his chest rises and falls heavily.

“I’m not going to stand here and pretend like I’ve never found other women I’ve seen in here attractive. The ones that have actually allowed me to see them. You, Y/N, are the only person I’ve actually ran after when they walked out of this room. You are the only woman ever since I moved here that I’ve invited to see me play with my band. YOU are the only person on this fucking planet that I would stick around for even though I know I’m her second choice.”

“Eddie, fuck! It’s things like that. You deserve better than being someone ‘second choice’.”

“And so do you. Look, whether it’s work or…something else that man is always putting you second. No matter how you choose to defend it.”

Eddie reaches his hand out to gently caress your cheek with his thumb. “Y/N, you were just gone.”, his voice comes out barely above a whisper. You tackled your arms around his waist and his arms came down around you, pressing you against him. “If you want to try with your husband, I respect that. I don’t agree with it but I respect it. Just… please don’t disappear again.”

####################

You left Eddie that day with a mutual agreement of remaining friends. You even exchanged phone numbers with him and on days you were home alone you called him, telling him about your day and vice versa.

One day you invited him to your school to have lunch with you. Eddie marveled at you from outside your classroom door. You looked so cute sitting on your desk swinging your legs as you talked to the glass. When you glanced towards the door and saw him, you eagerly waived him in.

“Who’s that?” a girl near the front row giggled as he came in.

“Guys, this is my friend Eddie. Eddie, these are my pain in the butt freshman.” They laughed at you as he gave them a small wave. “Go ahead and sit down. The periods almost over.”, you whisper to him.

You continue with your lesson on the book in your hand and after a few minutes a bell chimes. “Please, for the love of God, keep up with your reading. On Monday, we’re going to talk about your next project, okay?! Have a good weekend!”

You smile as they murmur goodbyes before speeding out of the room.

“You good at this stuff.” Eddie grins as he grabs the book from your hands. You take the food out of the bag he brought, crossing your legs on your desk as you dig in. “The Great Gatsby. Did we have to read this in school?”

“Well, I’m not sure about Indiana but here it is part of their freshman curriculum. Have you read it?”, Eddie shakes his head as he places the book on the desk. “It’s about a man named Gatsby who loves a woman named Daisy. She’s married to this rich aristocrat guy so Gatsby spends his life trying to become rich enough for her. Her cousin moves in next door to him so he uses him to his advantage.”

“Oof. Sounds complicated as hell.” He laughs as he starts eating his own food. “Tell me more. I like hearing you talk about it.” You flash him a questioning look. “The way you talk about the material, you get more animated. If I was their age and you were my teacher, I may actually have read the book.” Eddie smiles as you laugh at him. “What happens in the end?”

“It doesn’t end happily. Long story short, Daisy stays with her husband and Gatsby dies.”

You both avoid eye contact as you pick at your plate. “So, um, how’s work been? Better?”

Eddie chuckles. “Mira didn’t fire me if that’s what you’re asking. Yeah, everything’s gone back to normal, I guess. What about your husband? Still being good?”

You scrunch your nose at his word choice. “Yeah. I mean, there have been a few nights he’s stayed late at work but it’s not as bad as before. He actually took me out to this really nice restaurant the other night.” You dare to sneak a peek at him as you talk. Eddie continues looking down at his food, nodding his head.

Reaching towards him, you tenderly place your hand on his arm. “Thank you.”

He gently grazes your fingers with his own, almost as if he’s afraid to touch you too much. “Not a problem, Princess.”

#################

“Honey, you alright?” Your husband taps your arm.

“Yeah, I’m sorry I just zoned out for a bit.” You laugh at yourself as you shake your head.

The phone on the wall rings and he leans back to answer it. His eyes flick towards you before he makes a small mhmm noise and pulls the phone from his lips. “It’s my boss. I’m going to take it in the other room. Would you mind hanging this one up for me?”

“Yeah sure.”

“Thanks, sweetheart.” He doesn’t see your face cringe at the name as he kisses your forehead before jogging down the hallway. “Ok! I got it!”

“Ok!” You don’t know what possessed you in that moment but instead of hanging up the phone, you put it up to your ear covering the mouthpiece with your hand.

“I can’t, baby. Not tonight. I already told you. I’m on thin ice with my wife.”

“Don’t you baby me. I thought you said you loved me!”

“I do, Sarah. I do but—”

“But you love her more!”

*sigh* “Look, don’t move, okay? I’ll be right there.”

You hang up the phone and thirty seconds later your husband rounds the corner. “Honey, I’m so sorry. They need me to come down for a few hours to work on this project. I shouldn’t be there to long.”

You stare at him with wide eyes as your brain runs a mile a minute. “You should go. Definitely don’t want to keep your boss waiting.”

##################

The moment Eddie opens his front door your lips are on his as you jump into his arms.

“Whoa! Sweetheart…hang on…a minute.” He barely gets the words out as you keep trying to keep his mouth on yours. “Please…Jesus H. Christ.”

He somehow manages to tear you off him, placing your feet on the floor. Eddie’s long fingers brush your hair back and out of your eyes. They were extremely worn and heavy from crying. The whiskey on your breath hung around you like a storm cloud. “What happened, Princess?”

You reach towards him attempting to run your hands along his bare chest but he catches them in midair to hold them in his own. “Talk later. Fuck me now.”

“Okay, that would be the alcohol.” You swayed drunkenly in his grasp. Rolling your eyes, you pull away from him and throw yourself down on his bed. You reach for him with little grabby hands. “I’ll make you deal. You take a nap and then when you wake up, we’ll revisit this conversation, ok?

You giggle, nodding your head as your heavy eyelids start to droop. Eddie sits on the edge of his mattress beside you, delicately removing your shoes and socks. “I’m going to take off your pants to make you more comfortable, ok? This is not a sexy invitation.” He smiles and you nod again.

After he completes his task, he maneuvers your body so you’re under the covers. “Should I call your husband and let him know you’re here? I can say your friend is with you and I’m her boyfriend or something.”

With your eyes still closed, you scoff as you turn your head towards the sound of his voice. “Fuck him. He won’t even be home. He’s with Sarah.” You giggle but Eddie notices your bottom lip shake as your voice cracks.

He blinks into the void as his mind pieces together the little information he has in front of him. “Oh Princess. I’m so sorry.”

You were silent so he assumed you had fallen asleep. He rose with the intention of sleeping on the couch when your hand flew out in his direction. “Eddie… please don’t leave me.”

“I’m not going anywhere. I’ll just be on the couch right over there.”

You shook your head, pulling at his arm. “Please. I’ll fucking break the glass if I have to.”

It took him a moment to understand what your drunk mind was trying to convey. “Y/N, there’s no glass here.” Eddie crawls into the bed beside you and you immediately press your small frame to his side as your head falls to his chest. He reaches for your hands and intertwines his fingers with yours. “No barrier. I’m right here, Sweetheart. I’ll be right next to you when you wake up.” ###################

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swanpyart · 1 year

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INSIDE JOB PART 2 Spoilers: Ron and Reagan

Honestly, I feel like people are a bit too hard on Ron in the finale. I feel like his feelings about not wanting to be involved with the Shadow Governments are perfectly reasonable and, if Reagan weren't so attached to her colleagues and Brett, and wasn't as ambitious in her career path, she would have immediately gone with him.

I don't think Reagan or Ron is wrong for their feelings. That's kind of the point: they care about each other but ultimately have different priorities. And, also, they're both clearly traumatized from their own experiences and trying to work it out in different ways.

Like, Ron is clearly self-destructive and pushes people away when he feels he's unable to connect with them. I think that's part of why Brett initially disliked him; Ron has little drive to appeal to others and is perpetually disconnected because of his own trauma. Brett starts to like him when he becomes more sincere in his approach. Not to mention, he's low-key kind of suicidal; he doesn't seem to want to die, but his obsession with memories seems to stem from his intense guilt. He was raised Catholic and clearly harbors intense shame for his entire life, and has spent his entire career doing awful shit, so he feels weighed down by his own brain and his own existence. The way he describes his experience drinking an entire vat of memory-erasing fluid sounds like he's describing a suicide attempt to Reagan. In the end, the only way Ron was able to free himself from his perpetual guilt is to forget it all, and he just assumed the same for Reagan, by assuming that this guilt was something they had in common. And he's not ENTIRELY wrong; Reagan has expressed countless times how much she's hated her job and her coworkers, so, naturally, he assumed she'd be excited to run away from it all with him.

Reagan, is not like that at all, though. She is constantly curious, determined, and angry. She doesn't resign herself to sit back and let the world burn, she wants to DO something. And erasing all of her memories would serve no purpose to her, because she prioritizes her own autonomy and mind, and her connections to others as above her own sense of peace. (plus, Rand has erased her memories before, and she probably doesn't want to go through that again). To Ron, ignorance is bliss and truth has caused him great pain, but to Reagan, ignorance blinds her to the truth of the world. It blinded her to how awful her father was, of how to open up to others, and how to accept the unfairness of the world.

Besides, and this might be a hot take, Ron is ABSOLUTELY correct when he says Reagan should quit her job. Every episode shows that Cognito is basically a zoo full of insane, awful people, Reagan has had to deal with monsters of all kinds, has nearly died on several occasions, and her coworkers are all assholes (even if they do care for her deep down). Remember, Ron hasn't seen everything we've seen of the company, and from his reactions, it seems the Cognito is WAY more dysfunctional than the Illuminati, meaning that Reagan is in even more danger. I mean, a halloween party culminated in everyone getting contaminated with a virus in which everyone wants to be his friend (and as someone with social anxiety, that is my worst nightmare). Ron even says that every time they get together in public they nearly die.

And you might say, "well, why doesn't Ron just quit and let Reagan work?" Even if he did, he'd have to live with the constant fear of his girlfriend/potential wife possibly dying from whatever horrific event is happening at her job that day, and their relationship (as shown in the alternate timelines) would eventually deteriorate, because its extremely difficult to control the entire world and lead a fulfilling romantic life at the same time. Even in Part 1, Bear-O said that her job at Cognito makes her life more difficult. Ron's whole Appleton plan would start them off with a clean slate.

A clean slate isn't what Reagan wants. She would lose all that she's worked for, and she would never give that up. In the end, they both lost what they wanted (each other) and got what they needed (Ron gets peace, and Reagan gets her means to make actual change).

If anything, I feel that Reagan and Ron's relationship, in some ways, is a direct parallel to Rand and Tamiko's relationship. Both Rand and Reagan want to rule the world, but they have someone they love who simply can't accept it and continue as if nothing is wrong. The difference between Rand and Reagan is that, while Rand insists that he can have both the entire world and the validation of this one person, Reagan knows she can't have both and lets Ron go, because she loves him.

#inside job netflix #ron statler #inside job Ron #reagan ridley #reagan ridley inside job #inside job #ij #ij spoilers #inside job part 2 #inside job part two #inside job rand ridley #inside job rand #rand ridley

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misslavenderlady · 11 months

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Baby Come Back 🥀

Dwayne/Female!Reader (She/Her Pronouns)

Summary: After a year and a half of being Dwayne's brainless little doll, he finally realizes how much he misses the old you. It's not going to be easy going back to normal though.

This is a sequel to @ghoulgeousimmaculate's story T.L.C. (which I recommend you read before this!!). It has references to her stuff, and takes place in the modern world, not 1987. This takes place before my other fic F is for Fight.

WARNINGS: N.s.f.w./Smut/18+ Readers Only, References to other fic, Infantilization/Dumbification, OCs, Character based off an OC, Mind Control, Vampire Powers, Hypnosis, Panic Attacks, Paralysis, Yelling, Fighting, Needles/Injections, Medicine, Physical Therapy, Memory Issues, Fear, Anger, Trauma, Submission, Making up, Stockholm Syndrome/PTSD, Dark Fic

No matter what, Dwayne would never regret the actions he took with you. From the moment he laid eyes on you and watched you struggle with your shopping bags, he knew he had to take care of you. After all, you were just so sweet and helpless in his eyes. Never had he ever wanted a human so badly.

So, he took you in and spoiled you rotten. You never had to lift a finger or let your feet touch the ground. Every moment you spent together was pure bliss, and he wanted to keep his girl as happy and healthy as possible.

That's why he didn't feel any guilt for taking your mind away.

You had threatened to leave, and he wasn't going to have that happen. All the knowledge, thoughts, and intellect were tucked away safely in his brain while yours was left empty and dumb. He even used his power on your cerebellum, taking away your ability to walk properly. You would be far too shaky and off balance to move on your own, meaning you would have to rely on him to get around.

Dwayne was in absolute heaven. Every evening his baby greeted him with an adorable smile, holding her arms out for a big hug before he helped her start the day. You looked so beautiful in your flowing dresses and soft sweaters. Even if you never walked, he always helped slip on pretty knee socks and dainty flats. Your hair was always shiny and styled perfectly. The only makeup he put on you was some kind of candy-flavored lip gloss. You were true to your nickname, becoming a pretty little babydoll.

Naturally, he wanted to show off his beautiful darling to the world. Whenever you needed a night out, Dwayne was happy to push you in a wheelchair along the wooden planks of the boardwalk. Poor dear, you couldn't get around without it, but you didn't care. You would simply giggle and fawn over Dwayne, constantly squealing about how happy you were.

If the two of you ever went somewhere to eat, the locals knew to mind their own business. They wouldn't dare watch as Dwayne cut up your food and cooed at you to open your mouth for him. If someone was caught staring with a look of judgment, Dwayne would send his brothers their way for their dinner.

The two of you were perfectly happy, and for over a year, things stayed that way. But then reminiscences of your old self began to trickle back into your lives.

Dwayne bought you ice cream from a shop downtown. While he went back inside for extra napkins, you had been doing some people-watching outside. Your pretty eyes wandered over to a couple that was walking down the steps of a very familiar building.

The old museum you used to work at. Before your mind had been altered, you had loved working there. Your knowledge of artists and their works was quite impressive, and your colleagues all respected you. Now, you could barely label a color wheel correctly.

Your smile fell as you watched the couple laugh happily, both of them having just enjoyed a date night. Something within you felt sad taking such an image in. The memories were gone, but there was a tug at your heart. A reminder that you were missing something important.

Dwayne could see the look of heartache on his mate's face as he kneeled in front of you.

"What's the matter, lovey?"

The sound of his voice was enough to snap you out of your spell. With a shake of your head, you flashed a smile his way.

"Daddy, ice cream, please!"

Though Dwayne was delighted to spoon-feed you the frozen treat, he didn't let that moment escape his mind. He found himself pondering over what had caused you to zone out like that. It didn't take long for him to take notice of the museum too.

Days passed by, and the handsome vampire couldn't stop thinking about his babydoll. You were always on his mind, but this time was different. He now found himself thinking back to the woman you were long ago. The one he had fallen in love with when you still had control of your mind and body.

Seeing the outside of the museum made him think back to all the facts you used to tell him about art. How the two of you would wander the halls as you went on and on about each story behind the variety of paintings.

"So, this was the first version of 'Susanna and the Elders' that Artemisia Gentileschi painted. Unlike other versions made during the time, Artemisia actually depicted the gravity and fear of the biblical tale. An x-ray was done on it a few decades ago and revealed a much more anguished and enraged version of Susanna. It's one of her most powerful paintings."

"I never knew how serious this painting was, babydoll. You're so brilliant."

Dwayne hadn't enjoyed a deep conversation with you in ages. Even with his need to take care of his baby, he was starting to miss your adult side. The intelligent, creative, and fascinating woman you had once been. Dwayne missed the late nights drinking wine and sharing flirtatious banter with you. Going on dates that ended with incredibly passionate sex. Listening to you talk about all the ideas and dreams you had.

He missed the real you. It was time to bring your true self back.

It was going to be the hardest thing Dwayne would ever have to do. He still held no regrets for taking away your precious mind all that time ago. He would do it again in a heartbeat if you ever hinted at leaving the family. The real struggle would be dealing with your reaction when he restored your brain. It wasn't going to be pretty. He would most certainly need backup.

"You're really doing this, huh? After all this time you're finally seeing how extreme this was?"

Sis was walking side-by-side with Dwayne as they made their way down the cave halls. While Dwayne had been happy to infantilize his mate, Sis had continued to treat her sister with the respect she deserved as an adult. Whenever the dark-haired man was out with his brothers or caring for the kids, Sis took over making sure you were fed, clean, dressed, and cared for.

It was like she was a personal nurse to you. She just felt terrible seeing the lovesick dummy her sister had been transformed into. The least she could do was treat you with dignity.

"I love her so much. I don't want to stop taking care of her, but I miss the woman I fell in love with."

Sis shot Dwayne a glare, silently telling him to try that sentence again.

"I mean the other woman I fell in love with, of course, baby," Dwayne said, giving her hand a loving squeeze. "Did you bring the stuff I asked for?"

The vampire queen nodded, giving her jacket pocket a small tap. She had a special tool prepared at his request if things got out of hand and the younger vampire girl needed to be calmed down.

"Alright, let's do this."

Both of them stepped into the nest you had for yourself. What was once a room filled with sketches, paintings, and various books on art history, was now a room fit for a princess. The walls were decorated with cute posters of cartoon characters. A lilac canopy curtain was draped over a bed covered entirely with soft blankets and cute pillows. There were dozens and dozens of stuffed animals that Dwayne and the boys had gifted you over the months. It was all the perfect space for someone with a childlike mind.

You were feeling peaceful, all nice and cozy in your room. Dwayne and Sis found you perched on your bed, all snug in a soft, baby blue pair of pajamas with the latest addition to your teddy bear collection tucked under your arm. Whenever you were left alone, you would watch movies or shows on your tablet. All picked out by Dwayne, of course.

Your attention shifted right to your caregivers once you noticed them. With a dreamy smile on your face, you reached out for Dwayne since he was closest.

"Daddy! Missed you!" you said sweetly. Seeing you so cheerful made Dwayne's heartache. Soon you weren’t going to be very happy to see him.

"Hey there, angel," Dwayne greeted you. He sat on the edge of the bed and gathered you close to him. You nuzzled against his scruffy cheek as he positioned you on his lap.

He savored the last moment of affection before speaking up.

"Babydoll. You know I love you, right? That I would do anything to take care of you and make you happy?"

You didn't always understand longer sentences or big words. Being dumbed down made it harder to talk to you, so he tried to make things as simple as possible. All you understood at that moment was he loved you, so you just nodded eagerly.

"Uh-huh!"

"Then please know Daddy's very sorry for what he's about to do."

There wasn't even a second for you to try and comprehend what he meant. Dwayne had your chin tilted upward so that your pretty eyes stayed on his as his color faded from chocolate brown to a sinister red. They swirled slowly, drawing you in as Dwayne took control of your mind.

He let go of everything. All of the parts of your mind that he stole long ago came flooding back into your brain. The more information restored, the wider your eyes got. Tears were trickling down your cheeks as he used his power. By the time the last few memories settled in, your face was soaked from the silent crying.

Dwayne's eyes faded back to brown. He watched you carefully, worried about just what you were going to say first. You were too quiet for his liking, no doubt in stunned silence.

And then it happened. You freaked out.

"WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO ME??"

Sis and Dwayne were afraid this would happen. Any carefree feelings you had before were long gone, replaced in an instant with panic. A new batch of tears ran hot and fast down your cheeks. Your breathing became fast and ragged, soon leading to your hyperventilating.

Dwayne hated seeing you like this. So scared and confused. He reached out a hand to comfort you, not knowing what else to do.

"Baby-"

You immediately slapped his hand away, striking his skin in disgust. The last thing you wanted was for him to touch you.

"Get away from me, you monster!!"

Adrenaline was pumping through your veins now. Your ears were buzzing and your blood pumping fast in your veins as your heart practically crashed into your ribcage.

You pushed yourself out of bed, hoping to make a run for it. Instead, you found no support from your lower body. You hit the cave ground in a split second. That only amped up your terror.

"M-My legs…I c-can't walk…I-I can't fucking walk!!!"

It shouldn't have surprised you, given the fact that for the past year and a half, you had no balance or coordination in your legs. That meant you hadn't walked at all in that period of time. Your legs had since atrophied, and the realization was only making matters worse.

Inhuman sobs and screams fell from your mouth as you helplessly lay on the floor. All the time you had spent without a proper mind was catching up to you. It was only making Dwayne more worried.

You still didn't want to be touched by him. When he leaned down to help pull you back up, you threw a punch at him. The shock was clearly shown on his face as he held his cheek. You had never hit anyone before.

"Sis-"

"On it."

There was no sign of you calming down anytime soon. Everything was happening so fast and suddenly, and they needed to settle you down so you wouldn't hurt yourself.

Sis pulled the item she had brought out of her pocket. It was a syringe filled with a sedative. In a flash, she pulled off the safety cap, grabbed hold of your wrist, and stuck the needle into a vein. She held you firmly in place as the medicine worked its magic and finally got you to calm down.

With your thrashing stopped and your eyes fluttering shut, she finally let go of you. Even with you successfully calmed down, she was still incredibly stressed.

"Well, that went as well as I expected it to."

"Look, I can help her get through this," Dwayne said. "She's a little scared now, but with some time, she'll come to her senses."

Sis shot him a look of disbelief. It shouldn't have surprised her to see him so nonchalant about putting you through more stress. When he and the other boys had put her through her own "training", they did so without mercy. They only saw their shared goal in mind: getting their mates to love them forever.

Still, it hurt her heart to know you were going to have to adapt to having your mind back. It would be like a coma patient waking up and having to cope with all the things they missed.

"You better let me, and the girls be the ones to help her readjust. Until she's fully back to normal, she's only going to freak out when she sees you," Sis said to him. "You're gonna be in the doghouse for a while, Daddy."

Dwayne could live with that. He was a patient man. No matter how long your recovery would take, he'd be waiting in the shadows for you to return to him. His baby would come back to him, one way or another.

It wasn't a pretty recovery period. The first few days involved keeping you heavily sedated so you wouldn't have another freakout and accidentally hurt yourself. With the right amount of drugs, you were calm, but also conscious enough to talk.

Your pack sisters were so relieved to see you back to the person you were before Dwayne took your mind. They all hugged you and brought plenty of flowers and gifts to welcome you back. You were so grateful for them, especially since they were eager to talk to you like an adult.

However, you soon found that returning to normal wasn't as easy as you hoped it would be.

A vampire's influence on one's mind tends to leave lasting effects if done for too long. The human brain can only handle so much before it gets damaged. Thankfully, being half-vampire had kept it from breaking to the point where you were a lifeless husk of your former self.

But after being without your intellect for a year and a half, it still had left some damage. You talked about it with a doctor that Sis recommended. One that specialized in undead patients.

"You'll experience quite a few memory issues," the doctor explained. "It's similar to what some humans experience with accidents. You'll remember long-term memories with no issue, but you'll most likely struggle with short-term-related matters. Things like following along in a book, keeping track of time, remembering things in your schedule, and so on."

"But I'm only half-vampire," you explained. "When I fully turn and feed, won't it heal my brain?"

The doctor sighed, feeling sympathy for this predicament you were in.

"I'm sorry, but it doesn't work that way. Cuts and broken bones are one thing, but the brain is something far more complex. Whether you're human or vampire, there are just some things medicine can't heal."

Sis squeezed your hand tightly. She completely understood what you were going through. Back years ago, she had suffered a concussion from the fall David set up. It never properly healed, even getting worse thanks to the torture the boys put her through. It ended up playing a role in her relapse when they used booze and drugs against her, and it was why she went into states of deranged mania.

She had her fair share of bad days. It didn't help that she was married to the very men who damaged her in the first place. But it was different for you. This recovery was something you wouldn't have to go at alone. Your sisters would be in your corner.

"And my legs?" you asked with a soft pout on your face.

"Thankfully, that can be fixed. It would normally take a human six months to regain the ability to walk in such a situation, but in your case, the healing process will be cut in half in terms of time. We can get started with physical therapy sessions as soon as possible."

Once the final details of your appointment were completed, the doctor escorted you and Sis out. While you were being pushed in your wheelchair now, you were already thinking about how hard you were going to work to get out of it.

"Don't hurt yourself trying to rush this," Sis gently told you. You frowned to yourself as she helped get you into the passenger seat of the car. When she went to buckle your seatbelt, you snapped at her.

"Stop it! I don't need any help!"

Her brown eyes widened in surprise. It was still so surprising to see you act so snippy after being a cute little sweetheart for so long. When you realized what you did, you let out a sigh of frustration. You didn't like how you were behaving.

"I'm so sorry, Sis," you said. "I just…I want to get my life back. I've already lost my mom and my job to what…he did to me. I can't lose control of my life entirely."

She was understanding of that sentiment. It was a nightmare losing that control to the boys. If her sister wanted to put in the work to be her strong, independent self again, she would be by her side every step of the way.

You smiled at her as the two of you prepared to leave. Tonight, you would get plenty of rest to prepare for the journey ahead of you. Even if the physical therapy and exercises would be agonizing, you were willing to take it on. Whatever was necessary to get back the independence you lost.

Before Dwayne took your mind away, you had adored the way he cared for you. Anything you desired was granted, no matter what. But now you weren't going to let him do anything.

Whenever you weren't in physical therapy pushing your body to its limit to walk again, you were by yourself, relearning how to take care of your needs. You were going to get your life back together.

However, that was sooner said than done.

Getting dressed was tricky, and you were clumsy whenever you tried to pull on shirts or zip up pants. You had thrown out all the dresses Dwayne gifted you, but after some time, you wish you hadn't.

Going shopping was ten times harder. As you progressed from wheelchair to walker to cane and finally no mobility aid at all, you had to figure out how to get around the store with your devices each time. Even when you could move on your own, you found yourself getting confused and lost a lot. You accidentally forgot items on your list all the time and would occasionally forget to bring money with you, meaning the items had to be abandoned.

You remembered how to cook but struggled with proper timing and following recipes because of how your mind worked. Whenever you were too tired to do that, you just ordered takeout. Even so, you found yourself fumbling a lot with cutting up your food. It was something so simple to others, but unfamiliar to you since Dwayne did it for ages.

I don't need him, you thought to yourself. Whenever you struggled, you recited that mantra in your head.

Dwayne hated this. He hated it with all his heart. After ages of caring for his beloved little doll, he was completely deprived of the chance to do anything for you.

He respected you enough to stay out of your way, watching from the shadows the entire time you struggled. As much as he wanted to step in, he couldn't. Not when it wasn't the right time. He had to play the waiting game and let you come to him. If you were going to be his baby again, then he wanted it to be your own choice.

So, he didn't feel bad about asking his brothers for help.

"Don't worry, Dwayne," David assured him with a smirk. "We'll make sure she can't function without you."

"Please do. It kills me seeing her struggle."

Each one played a special role in this devious plan.

Paul would use his ability to fly to hide all your stuff on high shelves so you couldn't see or reach it. Even being a half-vampire, you struggled with even levitating an inch off the ground.

Marko would purposely mess with your sense of time passing, often changing the time on your watch or your phone when you weren't looking. It made you disoriented and confused.

David was the worst. When you were asleep, he filled your head with nightmares of being broken and alone with nobody to help you. You were often whimpering in your sleep because of it. When he gave you a happy ending to your dreams, it was always about Dwayne swooping in and saving you. The more positive thoughts you had of him, the better.

The more the boys pushed you, the more your strength broke down. You didn't like being independent as much as you thought you would. It was nothing but struggle and pain.

You even found yourself missing Dwayne himself. The stuffed animals he gave you made you feel safe when you were in bed, but you longed for his strong arms to hold you. You missed the sweet nothings he'd whisper into your ear after you had a long day. And of course, your body ached to be pleasured by him again. You couldn't reach the spots deep within that he could.

One day in particular, you were having a really tough time. You were trying to tie your shoes. Something completely simple that you wanted to do on your own before going for a walk as your doctor recommended.

The laces were not working out properly, no matter which way you tried to tie them. With all the frustration and stress building up, you gave up, feeling a wave of tears build as you began to cry. It was just so embarrassing, and you didn't know what else to do.

That was until a familiar voice spoke up.

"Hey, baby."

You snapped your head upward to see the handsome, brunet vampire standing above you. For the first time in months, there was no anger or disgust when you looked at him. The familiar sense of love for the man was slowly filling your heart again.

Not wanting to let him know you were getting upset over something so small, you hurriedly wiped your eyes, brushing the tears away.

Dwayne kneeled in front of you, watching you carefully with his chocolate-colored eyes. They were so warm and gentle. You forgot how much they made you melt.

"Need a little help, love?"

You didn't say a word but rather nodded as an answer. With your foot stuck out, Dwayne began to tie the shoe with ease. It made you feel like Cinderella, and Dwayne your Prince Charming.

"There we go. All good now."

As much as you didn't want to rely on him anymore, it was all you could think about. Part of you wondered if he was still messing with your mind. Yet in your heart, you knew he wasn't.

You missed him. Even after everything he took from you, the love for Dwayne would never go away.

A few days passed, and you were working up the courage to finally talk to him again. You had been struggling for the longest time to read your beloved books again. What once was so simple for you was now a challenge that took three times longer since you often lost your place or got confused with the plot.

Dwayne knew you were having problems. He could hear all the frustration and confusion going on in your head. So, he sat on the couch in the main room of the cave, silently waiting for you to come crawling back to him.

"Um….hi.."

The dark-haired vampire had to fight back a smirk with all of his might. He kept the perfect poker face as you timidly walked up to him with your book in hand.

"Hi, babygirl," he cooed. "Is something wrong?"

Your cheeks warmed with a deep blush at the sound of that nickname. It felt a little too good to be called that again. Feeling extra shy now, you held out your book for him to see.

"Will you…um…read to me? Please…Daddy?"

Game. Set. Match. Dwayne had won. You were his helpless little girl again, and the best part was that you had chosen to do so willingly.

"I would be delighted, babydoll," he purred, gesturing for you to sit by his side.

You snuggled up to him, resting your head on his shoulder as he wrapped an arm around your body. It relaxed you to be in his arms again. With his gentle, baritone voice reading out your story aloud, you thought about how much you missed this. How right it felt.

There was no way you'd ever fight Dwayne's love again.

Tag List: @britany1997 @6lostgirl6 @thesirenrealm @pixielostboy @bloodywickedvamp @michael-after-hours @legal-lost-boy @american-idiot-jpg @ghoulgeousimmaculate @queen-bunny

#the lost boys #tlb #dwayne the lost boys #dwayne x reader #dark fic #nsft #smut

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allineedisonedream · 2 months

Note

omg i stumbled across your blog recently and your art is gorgeous!!! i love the style and the way you draw dick in particular so much!

also i couldn’t stop thinking about your tangled au it’s so clever! it got me thinking of an au of your au (if that’s presumptuous or annoying feel free to ignore this ask lol). but it always bugged me slightly in the original tangled that rapunzel could remember stuff from when she was a baby bc babies can’t do that lol (obv she also has magic glowing hair so suspension of disbelief and all). but what if dick was actually older when slade (or court of owls tbh take your pick) kidnapped him? like he came under bruce’s care just like in canon after his parents died, and was around long enough to become brothers with jason, and tim had just been adopted when dick and bruce have a fight and dick storms off. not as bad as comics and bruce doesn’t kick him out bc he’s not an ass lol, but maybe dick wants to do more with his powers and bruce is overprotective, so dick storms out fully intending to come back, but slade has been watching him and takes this chance to kidnap him. and when bruce goes looking for him all he finds is a bloodstain and no dick.

and obviously dick is very keen on escaping the creepy dude who’s kidnapped him, but slade brings him to the basement of the tower and begins to torture/brainwash him sort of like the apprentice arc. and over time bc slade sucks and is good at the whole brainwashing thing, dick slowly looses his memories and eventually can’t remember a life outside of the tower at all. and he continues to grow up in the tower with slade as his “father” and he always has this sense that something isn’t quite right, but he can’t put his finger on it. like he has all these weird torture-like scars that he can’t remember getting, but slade tells him that it was from when he was young and before slade rescued him, and that’s why the world is so scary and dangerous and he has to stay in the tower where slade can protect him. and ofc he does bc slade loves him and wouldn’t lie to him right? and he doesn’t know why the name richard doesn’t fit him quite right, or why his heart races when slade appears unexpectedly (that’s how love works right?). but he stays in the tower like he’s supposed to until wally and roy show up.

and slowly after traveling with them he begins to get weird flashes of both painful and good memories, and strange sensations of deja vue. while meanwhile bruce is still all brooding and mourning bc it was his fight that led dick to run away. and added angst is that jason and tim actually remember and miss dick, even though tim had just started to get to know him. and damian is angsty bc he’s the only one never to have met dick (handwavy on the ages just like dc lol). meanwhile the kingdom still remembers and mourns the charismatic adorable prince that they lost.

and then when slade eventually catches up to and captures wally and roy, dick offers to give himself up and promises never to escape if slade spares them. and it’s extra sad bc he finally remembers what he’d be giving up. he remembers bruce and alfred and his brothers, and he remembers all the trauma slade put him through, and he’s willing to go through it all again to save wally and roy (bc is it really dick grayson if he isn’t super self sacrificing lol). and ofc it eventually ends happily and dick is delighted to go back to his family with his new friends and see his old brothers and meet his new brother all with a new haircut.

but yeah overall your au wormed its way into my brain and i couldn’t stop thinking about it lol, it’s so good!!!!

Ahjajfk thank youuuu<3

And OMG, this is amazing! Beautifully written, yes, absolutely love all the details, especially Slade's and Dick's relationship in all this. I've actually thought about him being taken later on so Tim and Jason would also remember Dick. But I think I started overthinking everything and made it way too complicated (I think I wrote about 20 pages of notes and stuff, I kinda got lost in them. I was/am pretty obsessed with this AU), so I just reeled back a bit and stayed close to the plot. It also simplifies things; I don’t have to rewrite the whole story, which, with my overthinking skills, would take forever. 💀

And that part with Slade making Dick forget who he was is great. I kept the whole AU pretty open with some stuff for imagination. My running idea at the moment is that he got sick when he was 8, so Bruce found the flower, and later Slade kidnapped him, making him forget everything and thinking Slade is his father.

But yeah, OMG, this is awesome. I totally love it. I tried to make it as detailed as possible story-wise, but at the same time, I really needed to limit myself to finish fast because I was scared I would lose interest or don’t have the patience haha But Now I’m kinda even more excited about how people will react to the next chapters. 👀

#ask me anything #tangeld dc au

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jamisonwritestf2trash · 6 months

Note

Hello!

New to the fandom and your posts have been lovely to read! I don't know if it's been done already, but, may I request the TF2 mercs' reactions to having a nightmare? Like, frequency, how they cope with them, how they handle them when they happen?

The TF2 Mercs Reactions to A Nightmare!

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Anon, you are making me sob. Welcome to the fandom. You'll never be able to leave. But I haven't done this prompt before, so I'm glad to do it now! Uh, angsty as hell and a small spydad mention.

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Demo wakes up drenched in sweat. He's had nightmares before, but he doesn't really dream. Dreams are a rarity. Nightmares aren't too common either happening, maybe twice a month. He hasn't found a way to handle them. Drinking booze like water helps temporarily, but so does going back to sleep because if he falls back asleep, then he doesn't have to reflect on what his nightmares might mean. He'll probably end up staring at the wall for a while before going back to sleep. Hoping his brain will forget it by morning. It doesn't. He doesn't know how to cope.

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Engie is just tired. He usually buries himself in work so he doesn't have to sleep. Nightmares are a regular occurrence. He doesn't know when they started, or even what they're about half the time. He wakes up with a deep feeling of dread and fear, but he doesn't know why. He can't remember them, so it's weird they have such a hold on him. He'll normally just get up and start his day at that point regardless of its 2am or 7am, trying to distract himself in any way he can. He uses work to cope, tinkering away at some new projects he pulled out of thin air.

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Heavy just sighs, rolling over to go back to sleep. He has nightmares very rarely, and none are particularly scary, mainly sad. Occasionally, he'll cry if the nightmare is about something that's too real to him. He doesn't feel the need to react, to cope, to do anything other than let the haze of sleep overtake him again. He likes to think he forgets about the pain his nightmares cause him, but memories of them creep in during the day sometimes. He does check in the mornings that everything is okay and everyone is alright as a sort of coping mechanism.

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Medic wakes up crying, well, sobbing. He puts up a good front during the day. Not letting the mix of past traumas and present traumatizing events get to him while he works. But oh boy, is this man riddle with nightmares. He almost thinks it's a punishment of some kind. He can't remember the last time he slept soundly. He'll spring out of bed, wiping the tears from his face and grabbing his glasses, much like Engie he's ready to just start the day, but he hears soft cooing and the flap of wings. Archimedes lands softly on his shoulder, demanding affection from him and immediately distracting him from whatever spiral he's currently in, and sits with him until Medic is subtly convinced by the birds insistence of moving him to the bed to go back to sleep. Always staying in his line of sight while the ex doctor sleeps, making sure his friend is okay

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Scout is terrified. Like petrified in fear. He won't move from his bed. He doesn't have nightmares too often, but when he does, they hit him like a train. He just wants to sleep and not be plauged by bad thoughts. He tried to reassure himself that it's all just a dream, all in his head, and most of the time, it works. When it doesn't, however, he thinks about how his mom used to comfort him when he was younger, or just thinking of his mom or his childhood in general, it gives him a safe feeling. He might even find himself calling his mom after just to make sure she's okay.

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Snipers eyes open with a sigh as he stares at the ceiling. He's pissed. He's always tired because of this shit. Nightmares are a common occurrence, not as common as Medic's, but still frequent enough to interfere with his sleep schedule. They're stressed induced, and he can't ever find a way to stop them. He's tried drinking, smoking, he even asked Medic for advice, only to be told that, "If I had a cure, everyone would know about it by now." So he just lays there in hatred for his brain, a brain that cursed him with horrible dreams. Sometimes, though, if you catch him on one of his better days, he'll open up just enough for someone to maybe offer up some advice.

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Spy only lets a few tears out as he drapes a hand over his face to cover his eyes. His nightmares are more like regret filled dreams, he has them quite a bit, the frequency increasing after Scout joined the other mercs. He lets himself feel sad for only a few seconds before a guilt washes over him, making him feel as if he has no right to feel upset. He might light a cigarette cope. Smoking is the least likely thing to help, but hey, it's an excuse to go outside. He'll never address any of the guilt, shame, or fear feels from his nightmares. He just buries it. Never learning to cope and never feeling like he deserves it.

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Soldier is used to it. Nothing really phases him anymore. Not the real world, not the nightmares, nothing. He just goes back to sleep, silently hoping that he doesn't slip back into the nightmares, but he does. He has them at the same frequency as Medic, but is granted no support. He does find comfort once when he finally opens up about them to Medic. Medic and him discussing nightmares between the both of them. He's not one to do this often, though, finding that he doesn't need to cope as long as he pushes down the reoccurring thoughts of his nightmares. He's sure he'll be just fine.

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Pyro is hyperventilating, crying, and just a mess. They don't have nightmares often at all, maybe once a year, their mind always being able to protect them from it somehow, but when the nightmare comes its bad. Enough to probably actually traumatize Pyro on some level. Crying helps them in the moment, being a way for them to let their emotions out quickly, but after that, they need comfort, turning to whatever friends (mostly Medic or Engie) who could help them. Both are more than happy to comfort Pyro in their time of need, helping them forget about the dream until next time.

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Hot take! These fuckers cry, a lot. Men can cry and still be strong and manly, especially traumatized men. I want to give them hugs :,) I hope this makes sense and follows the prompt bc i am so tired rn, but i had to get this out 😭Anyways, I hope you like this Anon! And again, welcome to the fandom. Enjoy your new life >:D

#tf2 #team fortress 2 #tf2 headcanons #team fortress headcanons #tf2 hcs #tf2 demoman #tf2 engineer #tf2 heavy #tf2 medic #tf2 scout #tf2 sniper #tf2 spy #tf2 soldier #tf2 pyro

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spicerackofblorbos · 3 months

Text

Chapter 7: May

☾ Pairings ➼ Levi Ackerman x fem!mute!Reader (she/her pronouns), set in a modern semi-fictional world

☾ Summary ➼ Due to childhood trauma, you find yourself an adult without the ability to speak. After years of working on it, you have found ways to live without a voice. Now here in your late 20s, you are 5 months in getting used to a new town. On a fateful day in late November, you and your adopted sister visit a local bookstore-café, unaware of the friendships about to blossom. Throughout the months, one friendship in particular develops into something more.

☾ Content/Warnings ➼ fluff, slowburn, oblivious feelings, romance, angst, mention of minor character deaths, trauma, illness, adoption, mentions of fire, disabilities, alcohol use, very light nsfw mentions, references to child abuse, smoking and alcohol abuse mentions, domestic violence, light assault,

☾ Author's note ➼ Hi guys! Are y'all ready for the final chapter?! June is the reason why I pushed through so many months because [redacted]. I know you're just as excited as I am. I hope you enjoy this chapter though! I know it took me a while, but I think I'm quite happy with how it turned out. Happy Birthday, Mama Kuchel! <3

☾ Word Count ➼ ~9.8k

You wake up to a pounding on your bedroom door, your eyes popping open at the sudden fright. It takes a moment to reorient yourself as you realize you are in your bedroom and not, in fact, on a date with Levi.

You take note of the early morning sun filtering in through your sheer curtains as you blink away sleep, acutely aware of the memories of your dream already starting to fade. An ounce of annoyance starts seeping its way into your brain from the rude awakening when you hear Hange’s muffled voice come from the other side of your door.

“Gooooood mooorrrrning birthday girl!! I’m coming in!” They shout as they push open your door. You fold your pillow over your ear to muffle Hange’s shouting as they come in. Your wide-eyed sister stops mid-step and frowns down at the sight of you. There’s a small tray in her hands, the contents hidden from where you currently lie.

“What are you still doing in bed?” You release the pillow to free your hand.

‘What do you mean? I’m sleeping.’ It was your turn to frown back.

“Levi is on his way to come get you. You should be getting ready.” They wiggle an eyebrow at you but you’re too shellshocked to even care. You sit straight up like a meerkat, wide eyes aimed right at Hange’s amused smirk.

‘Levi? Why?’

“He’s keeping you busy for me today so I can prepare for your birthday party. So, eat,” they set down the tray that has a simple breakfast staring up at you, “get dressed, and get out. He’ll be here soon.” They poke your nose before turning around and disappearing through the doorway, leaving your door wide open.

Butterflies start flooding your stomach as you process what just transpired. Levi was on his way to you and you’re looking like… this. You’re looking like this. The realization dawns on you, suddenly hyper aware of your messy bed head and ruffled pajamas. Grabbing a piece of toast, you throw yourself out of bed and into your private bathroom to start the shower, simultaneously praying that today would be a good day.

Your original plan for this morning consisted of wearing pajamas and taking your time getting ready for whatever your sister planned for you that evening. Instead, you find yourself speeding through your shower ritual then throwing clothes everywhere in a vain attempt to find something to wear for the day as your hair dried.

Even with your hasty speed, it still takes you an hour and a half until you’re satisfied with yourself. You take one more glance over before huffing heavily and pulling open your door then stepping out into the hallway. Your heart skips a beat when you recognize a voice.

“Your tea is too watery. Let me help next time.” You hear something heavy being set down on the table, a mug you guess.

“I can’t have you do that. You’re my guest, Levi.”

“I’m not asking. If I’m drinking tea, it better be good. This isn’t fit for consumption.”

When you pause in the entryway, you see Hange and Levi sitting at the dining room table. They turn their heads in your direction at the same time, Hange with a wide smile and Levi with a furrowed brow. He’s wearing a dark green t-shirt tucked into his usual jeans with his black leather jacket draped over his shoulders. He stands up, his chair sliding back as he does.

“Took you long enough.” Levi retorts.

‘Sorry. I didn’t know you were coming until this morning.’

“Hange, you said you’d let her know last week.” Levi slides his attention over to your sister who is suddenly very concerned with the mug in front of her. He sighs then gathers his keys off the table before making his way over to the kitchen sink to place his own mug into it. “Let’s go.”

“Bring her back in one piece, will you?” Hange glances over at you and winks.

“Yeah, yeah. See you in a couple hours, shitty glasses.”

The car ride to who knows where stays relatively silent between the two of you. Soft rock plays through his speakers at a low enough volume allowing you to hear the car’s engine as well as the wind blowing outside as Levi zooms through the town.

You couldn’t contain your surprise to see Levi driving - Erwin’s car no less. In the six months that you had known him, you have never once seen him drive. He mentioned his aversion to being behind the wheel early on in those months, saying he’d only drive when he had to. You guess today is one of those days. You hope this, whatever this is, isn’t burdensome for him.

You turn to Levi, making sure he can see your hands then sign, ‘Where’s Erwin, anyways?’

“He got held up doing something.”

‘Is he okay?’

“He’ll be fine, don’t worry about it.” The car turns down a main road that you aren’t familiar with. “Are you hungry?” Levi meets your gaze for a second before focusing back on the road. You think back to that singular bite of toast you had a mere couple of hours ago.

‘Yes.’ You give him a sheepish smile.

“Me too. Your sister offered to make me lunch while waiting for your ass, but I was not in the mood to be poisoned today. I know a place.” He mutters and silence blankets the two of you again. You glance out the window as Levi zooms down the street and you realize you’re in a part of town you’ve never been to before. Suddenly you can feel the car slowing down.

Levi pulls into a parking lot connected to a small park that consists of a playground and a few benches. There are a handful of people and kids out enjoying the warm weather today. Some children run around playing a game of tag while their parents, you assume, sit and chat away. A pang of nostalgia shoots through your whole body.

Once Levi shuts the car off, he glances over to you with his lips slightly parted as if he wants to say something, but nothing comes out. You raise an eyebrow at him expectantly, but he just pinches his lips together and unbuckles himself before pulling himself out the door. You do the same, furrowing your brow in confusion. This isn’t the first time he hesitated to tell you what was on his mind, but you sure wish the previous time had been the last time. You push the door open and step out into the fresh air.

Instantly, the smell of freshly mown grass strikes your nose. A smile tugs at your lips as you breathe in deep, savoring the scent. Levi comes up next to you as he tucks the keys away into his pants. A warm breeze blows through his hair, and it makes your heart dance. Levi is so pretty, you think to yourself.

“You okay?” You’re suddenly aware of your staring, and you force yourself to look away.

‘Yes. Just thinking about how nice today is.’ You give him a small smile.

“Yes, it is. Ready to eat?” He turns around and sweeps his arm in the direction of a small building on the edge of the parking lot. It’s blue and the outside looks almost like a farmhouse with a half wrapped wooden porch around it. Above the main entrance is a sign that reads ‘Kirschstein’s’ in black cursive font. If this is a restaurant, then it was as ‘mom and pop’ as it could get. Levi walks off with you right behind.

The moment you step through the front door, a pleasant chime rings through the whole restaurant. A couple customers occupy some small tables already, so it was relatively quiet save for the light music coming from the speakers in the ceiling. The aesthetic gives a very rustic and homey feel, heavily mirroring the outside. It’s quaint and simple and it makes you like it even more.

“SASHA! THE DOOR. PUT THAT FORK DOWN FIRST.” You hear an older woman yell from the back. A second later, a girl with reddish-brown hair pulled into a ponytail jumps through a door and over to the podium in the front. She has a couple of crumbs around her mouth which currently widens into a grin at you.

“Hi! Welcome to Kirschsteins! Just the two of you today?”

“Yes, please. Outside, if possible.” Levi speaks up, jerking his head to the side door. You follow his movement, and you see a cute little unfenced patio facing the park with small tables peppering around it.

“Yes, sir! Follow me.” With a flourish, she grabs two menus and starts over to the patio.

When you both settle in, you can’t help but wonder if this might be a date. He catches your eye only for you to swiftly look down at your menu, pretending to look at your options. He hasn’t said anything outright about it, and you suppose two friends can go out for lunch without it being considered a date, right? Your thoughts are going a million miles a minute that you barely hear Levi calling your name. When you look over the menu, you see Levi staring at you with a raised brow.

“What would you like to drink?” He glances over to the side. Following his gaze, your eyes fall on a tall, slender boy with freckles and kind brown eyes.

“Hi, I’m Marco! Can I get you something to drink?” He gives you a soft smile. You glance over to Levi and sign ‘water’.

“She says water and I’ll take a cup of hot black tea.” Marco nods and leaves the two of you alone. The sounds of laughing children and birdsong make their way into your ears.

“Where’d you go just now?” Levi asks, leaning back into his chair as he stares at you.

‘I don’t know, just thinking.’ You then look back down to your menu, attempting to find something to eat. You hear him hum in response but say nothing else. This wasn’t a date, it couldn’t be.

After a bit, you hear the patio door open, and you look up to see your waiter holding your water glass as well as a saucer supporting a dainty teacup. He sets them down gently and then pulls out a notepad from his apron.

“If you’re ready, I can take your order now.” he says, eyes shifting back and forth between the two of you. Levi glances over at you, ready for you to tell him your order. You still haven’t given the menu a close enough look, so you take a quick glance before panic-choosing.

‘Triple berry crepe, extra whipped cream.’ Levi nods in understanding then glances down to his own menu. If you didn’t know any better, you would think he chose the first thing his eyes landed on as well.

“She’ll take the triple berry crepe with extra whipped cream, and I’ll have the classic omurice, light ketchup please.” Levi hands Marco the menu and you do the same, smiling at the freckled boy. He nods and tucks his notepad back into his apron before grabbing the menus.

“Sounds great. Please let me know if there’s anything you need while waiting.” He bows and then he’s gone. You meet Levi’s eyes; they’re a light gray today, like storm clouds after a bout of rain.

You both sit in silence for a bit, unsure of what to say. Levi fiddles with his silverware and you pick at you fingernails, a habit you've been unsuccessfully trying to break. Picking up your hands, you start to sign but Levi starts talking at the same time.

"So, ho- Oh, sorry." He crosses a leg over his knee and stares over at you. “Go ahead."

'Go ahead.' You sign at the same time as his words. He smirks at your soft laugh.

"Just say it."

‘Your sign reading is better.’ You grab your water glass and take a tentative sip. The sides of the glass are already perspiring so after setting it down, you wipe your hand on your napkin, taking note that it most likely wasn’t just water that you were drying off.

“I would hope so, otherwise those classes have been a waste.” Levi mutters before taking a careful sip of his own drink, holding his teacup the way he does. There’s that knot in between his eyebrows again.

‘Classes?’ There’s a softness in his gaze.

“Yeah, I’m taking classes. I didn’t want to be the only one not knowing what you were saying.” He rolls his eyes and looks away again. Levi’s cheeks start flushing your favorite shade of pink.

What he said might sound like common sense, but to you it meant so much more. Levi wasn’t one to do things short term, meaning he wouldn’t throw his money away on something that he would deem temporary. By your own reasoning, Levi plans to be in your life for a while. And that makes your chest warm. You don’t know what to say to that. Luckily, you don’t need to think of what to say as Marco comes swinging out the door with your plates.

“Alright, I’ve got one triple berry crepe with extra whipped cream…” he trails off as he sets your plate down in front of you and continues, “and one omurice, light ketchup.” He places Levi’s down then stands up straight with his hands behind his back. “How does everything look?” Levi glances over to you and you give him a thumbs up of approval.

“Everything looks great. Can I get another tea?”

“Absolutely, I’ll be right out with that.” And then he’s gone again.

When you look down to your plate, your stomach starts rumbling even more. You are famished, consequences of your own doing of course. You’re quick to cut into the fresh berries and soft crepe, taking a huge bite. You can’t contain the squeal that comes out because it may have been the best tasting thing you’ve ever had.

You’ve lived in Jinae for almost a year and you can’t believe this is the first time you’ve heard of and been to this place. You hear Levi let out a breathy chuckle, and you glance up at him. He’s watching you in amusement, an actual smirk tugging at the corners of his mouth.

“Is it good?” You nod back enthusiastically, smiling back at him.

“Good. My mom and I used to frequent this place. Especially for her birthday.” He says softly as he tucks his napkin onto his lap as he speaks. There’s a wistful tone in his voice. You’re again lost for words. You can’t help but think how different this Levi is compared to the one you met so many months ago. And you liked this version of him. No, not version. This is him. And you really… really like him.

As always, a familiar silence befalls you both as you dig in. Levi’s tea comes out at some point but you’re too engrossed in your food to notice. There are a couple moments where he catches your eye and then looks away. You get this feeling like he wants to say something but won’t. You know better than to force it out of him though, so you opt to give him a soft smile in return before his eyes leave yours. Just as you’re about to finish, someone comes bursting out the patio door.

“Hey guys, sorry to startle you but my boyfriend got stuck doing something else so I’m here to drop off your check. No rush of course.” The voice belongs to a kid with ash-brown hair styled in an undercut. He’s in a white button up with an apron tied around him.

He sets a black checkbook down on the table and turns to leave. A singular checkbook. Your eyes meet Levi’s for a quick second and then you’re setting your fork down and reaching into your cross-body purse. You slam your card onto the table. Levi, of course, is faster.

“What do you think you’re doing?” Levi quips as he slides his card into the fold with deft fingers.

‘What are you doing? Put that back!’ You glare at him as you grab your card and push it towards the new waiter who had turned back to see what the commotion was about.

“You put it back! It’s your birthday, dumbass. I’m not about to make you pay for any of this.” Sticking your tongue out, you ignore Levi and flap your card out in front of the waiter.

The waiter looks over to you sympathetically before muttering, “He was faster ma’am. Also, not to be impolite or nosy but it is your birthday.” He grabs the checkbook with Levi’s card and runs back into the building. Your eyes land on Levi and he’s watching you with a smug grin. You cross your arms over your chest and stare back.

‘Were you planning to pay this whole time?’

“What if I was?”

‘Well, I wouldn’t have come.’ Levi rolls his eyes at that.

“Just shut up and let me treat you for your birthday.” You slump back in your chair, defeated but far from dejected. The same thought of ‘is this a date?’ keeps floating through your mind. He paid for it, but that doesn’t make it a date. It was just a kind gesture from one friend to another, that’s all.

‘Thank you, Levi. I appreciate it. But I’m paying for the next meal.’ You stick your tongue out again in feign defiance.

“Yeah, we’ll see about that.” He purses his lips but not a single bit of amusement leaves his eyes.

On the way back to the car, you glance over at the park. There are more kids out now, playing and swinging on the playground. You double take as you notice a snow-cone stand to the side of it with a small line, something that wasn’t there when you first arrived. You stop and turn to Levi, automatically catching his attention as you do.

‘Dessert?’ You point over to the stall with a wide grin.

“Sure. But we’re eating it out here.” He answers faster than you thought he would, so you fumble for a moment as Levi starts off in that direction. He wouldn’t tell you, but the reason why he would agree so quickly is because he would give anything to spend more time with you. He glances behind his shoulder, noticing you haven’t moved yet.

“Are you coming?” He shoves his hands in his jacket pockets and turns to you with concern. Your grin becomes wider, and you hop over so that you’re standing right next to him. You won’t understand the extent of it until later, but you would follow Levi to the ends of the earth if it meant being with him.

‘Yes, but I’m paying.’ And then you run off before Levi realizes what you said, his fast paced steps right on your heels a moment later.

Levi decides to roll the windows down as he drives off to the next location that he had in mind. You’re staring at Levi from the passenger seat, arm propped up against the door with the wind blowing through your hair. You’re lost in your thoughts as you burn into memory the curves of Levi’s side profile when his voice cuts into the silence.

“Is there something on my face?” He glances over at you with a side eye. Heat rises into your cheeks and you shake your head in response. You look back out of your open window at the trees flying by. Again, you find yourself in an unfamiliar part of town. It almost looks residential with a lot of the homes overgrown with ivy and weather damage that happened over time.

‘Where are we going?’

“Our second to last stop, there’s someone I want you to meet. Then we will head to our last errand before the final destination.” We. Our. It’s not the first time that he’s used those words, but it never fails to make you giddy.

Levi pulls into another small parking lot, but this time attached to a large beige building. Dozens of arched windows line up evenly throughout the whole structure. Big wide sliding doors under a large blue canopy nestles in the middle. The building itself is symmetrical, both sides sprawled out like the wings of a dove.

‘What is this place?’

“Welcome to Riverside Assisted Living.” Levi puts the car into park and looks over at you. There’s a glimmer of worry in his eyes, his eyebrows knitted yet again. He’s waiting for a response. You want to reach over and smooth out his face, but instead you offer him a soft smile.

‘Your mom?’ Never mind the anxiety of meeting someone so important to Levi, the fact that he even wanted you to meet her is enough to make you want to explode. Instead, you swallow all of that down. Whatever his intention, Levi is worried about what you think. You’re already unbuckling your seat belt and making your way out of the car before he even confirms it with a 'yes’. When you don’t hear Levi moving, you glance back at him over your shoulder.

‘Are you coming?’ Levi stares at you for a moment before following suit. Once everything is locked, you and Levi make your way over to the front doors. He stops and looks over at you once more. You offer him that same soft smile from a moment ago. You don’t know if it’s enough to reassure him, but you would keep trying anyway.

“Ah, Mr. Ackerman. Welcome back! Unfortunately, you just missed the cake.” One of the receptionists pipes up from behind his computer. His eyes land on you and a bright, toothy smile replaces his previous kind one. “Oh, you brought your girlfriend!” Levi inhales sharply and chokes a little.

“I’m sorry, uh. Friend. Just-“ Levi clears his throat. “Just friend.” You smile back at the receptionist and nod in agreement, but you’d be lying if his quick response didn’t hurt you a little.

“Oh, my apologies! I shouldn’t assume.” He chuckles a little and glances back and forth between the two of you before back down to his computer for a moment. “It seems Ms. Kuchel is enjoying the warm weather today. She’s having a good day today, as well.” He slides two visitor stickers on top of the counter in your direction, both with the name ‘Ackerman’ written on it.

Levi hands you yours before slapping his own on his chest. You stare down at it for a moment before doing the same. You assume that these are just to let the employees know who you were here to see, but something in you feels thrilled from wearing his last name on you.

“Great, thank you.” At that, Levi heads off down the hall. You sign a quick thank you to the kind receptionist and follow Levi before he disappears from view.

Riverside Assisted Living is designed to be very welcoming and warm. Light yellow paints the hallways you both walk down. Miscellaneous vintage paintings break up the monotony - one portrait of a goose in particular makes you double take. It might be a little outdated, but it is lovely nonetheless. Some part of you feels a sense of familiarity, as if you had been here before - or at least something like it.

Levi continues down another hall that ends with a large glass door. Already, you can spot a few people milling about on plush green grass. When Levi reaches the end of the hall, he pulls the door open and holds it with his body, waiting for you to pass through. When you brush past Levi, the scent of faint cologne and fresh laundry wafts with you. As soon as you’re out the door, your mouth practically drops in awe.

The space is a lot larger than you expected it to be. This courtyard is surrounded by the rest of the building on each side and down a slight hill lies the river that cuts through. It’s separated by a white picket fence, probably to keep patients from accidentally wandering too far. There aren’t very many of them out as you initially thought. The ones you can see appear to be enjoying the sunshine in different ways. Levi calls your name, breaking you out of your thoughts.

"This way." Following his voice, you see him down the hill a bit. Levi points over to a small flower garden sitting by the river. There’s only one person sitting on a bench overlooking it all, their back to you so all you can see is long black hair blowing in the breeze. Your heart squeezes in your chest but you’re not sure if it’s from excitement or… something else.

You catch up with Levi in no time, much to your dismay. As you both walk over to who you assume is his mom, you’re suddenly hyper aware of what you’re wearing. You can’t keep your hands from fidgeting at the fabric of your blouse. Suddenly, Levi’s hand is on your wrist, holding it in place with a gentle grip.

“Stop. She’s going to love you. She already does, even if she won’t remember.” He whispers over to you, his eyes searching into yours earnestly. It takes a few deep breaths, but finally you nod back to him. The corners of his mouth twitch as he lets go of you. He gives you another long look before glancing back over to his mom.

“Stay here for a moment.” He makes his way over to the bench before stopping short on the unoccupied side.

“Kuchel?” Your eyes linger on Levi’s face, and you notice a subtle shift in his demeanor as he calls out for her. You see the woman in question turn and look over in his direction. You’re only given a glimpse of her side profile, but you’re able to see a semi-blank look on her face like she’s lost in thought. When her eyes focus, she just stares at Levi.

“Can I help you?” Her voice is soft and sweet, and it stirs something deep within you. It’s definitely familiar to you. Her expression goes from glassy to confused.

“Hi, I’m Levi. Can I sit with you?” Levi gestures to the empty side of the bench. Kuchel nods and watches as Levi lowers himself down before continuing on, “How are you today?”

“I’m okay today. The flowers are blooming very nicely.” She’s still looking at him wearily, but there’s a smile on her face now.

“They are. Which one is your favorite?” Levi’s voice has a gentleness to it that you never imagined was possible. There’s a matching smile on his lips now. Again, something you’ve never thought you’d see from him.

“It’s quite hard to choose. They’re all just so lovely.” She chuckles quietly and looks back over at the flowers dancing in the gentle wind.

“They are. I heard today is your birthday, is it okay to give you something?” Her birthday? In the recesses of your mind, a memory triggers. You’re at home and sharing a dessert that Kuchel had bought for the two of you as a gift, Levi and your brother both horsing around in the background. She says something to you and then together, you both blow out the single candle sticking out on top. That’s right, you and his mom share a birthday. It must have been a day that Levi’s dad was out, thankfully. Knowing what you know now, it warms your heart to know she was so kind to you when she didn’t have to be. Sharing not only her special day, but her dessert that she probably spent a good chunk of her paycheck on to afford it.

“Oh is it?” Kuchel looks back over to Levi with suspicion. She shifts on the bench and clasps her hands together on her lap. “Sure.”

Levi pulls out a little box he had tucked into his jeans and places it down in the space between them on the bench. She reaches over and takes it with shaky hands. You can’t see what it is from your angle, but it must have been nice. Kuchel reaches over and touches Levi’s face and gives his cheek a gentle squeeze.

“You are such a sweet boy. Thank you, it’s beautiful.” She lets go of Levi to put it back in the box and closes it.

“Speaking of, I’d like you to meet someone if that’s okay? I don’t want to overwhelm you if you’re not ready, though.” She just nods in response. With that, Levi glances over at you and beckons you over with a small wave. Taking a deep breath, you straighten up and walk over to Levi’s side of the bench. Kuchel’s eyes snap over to you.

“Kuchel, this is my good friend-“ She cuts Levi off with your name and it startles you both. You glance down at Levi nervously, not sure what to do. He looks over to his mom and raises an eyebrow.

“Ma?”

“Oh goodness me. You just remind me of someone I knew a long time ago.” Kuchel chuckles again and then looks over at Levi. There’s a clarity in her expression that wasn’t there before. “Oh is that my little Levi??” The smile on her face is infectious and you would have caught it if you weren’t so shocked.

“Hey Ma, it’s me.” He reaches over and grabs her hands in his. “You’re not wrong, this is her.” Levi looks over to you.

“There’s no way, look how grown she is!” Kuchel suddenly stands up and stares at you with disbelief. You wave at her sheepishly, still not certain of what to do.

“Yes, it’s been quite a while since you’ve last seen her. It’s her birthday today too, do you remember sharing it with her?” Levi asks gently. Kuchel steps over to you until she’s face to face with you. Levi must have gotten his height from her because she stands a couple inches below you. She stares up at your face, inspecting it. Being this close grants you a better look at her features so you study her just the same. Levi is practically a carbon copy of his mom. Everything down to the pouty bottom lip is Levi’s. She whispers your name, familiarity finally coming to her. Before you know it, she’s pulling you into a bear hug.

You’re so startled that it takes you a moment, but you eventually reciprocate it just as tightly. Something in you frays. This felt so warm, so comforting. So motherlike. Only when you pull away sniffling do you realize you’ve started crying. Kuchel reaches up and wipes your tears with a thumb, completely vexed by your actions.

“Why are you crying, darling?”

‘I’m sorry.’ Kuchel watches you sign curiously and then looks over to Levi.

“She’s mute, but she can hear you. She apologizes.” Levi pipes up behind you.

“Oh, honey, look at you! You’ve grown up so much. Happy birthday sweetheart.” She steps back to get a better look at you. “Oh my, you’re not a little girl anymore, are you? Are you taking care of yourself?” She grabs you by the shoulders and stares into your misty eyes as she continues to fuss over you. Her words affect you so much that tears start rolling down your face.

‘Can I hug you again?’ Levi translates for you. Kuchel nods and gives you a big smile before pulling you into another suffocating hug.

The rest of the visit felt like a blur. After your initial meeting, you had stepped back to let Levi visit with his mom. The three of you sat by the garden enjoying the breeze and each other’s company. At one point, Levi’s pinky makes its way to yours in the middle of conversation and he squeezes it gently before letting go like nothing happened. It ended with more big hugs and dragged-out goodbyes. You wouldn’t have minded staying a little longer, but Levi reminded you that you both had somewhere to be soon.

You find yourself staring out the window at the trees blurring green. It’s around early evening by this time, and you fight a yawn threatening to make its way out. The ride itself is silent, not even the radio is playing. Levi breaks it with a gentle voice.

“Are you okay?” You turn over to Levi and nod, offering a smile.

‘Yeah, just need a moment.’ He doesn’t respond, which leaves you both in silence again. You fidget with your seatbelt as you stew on what you really wanted to ask.

“It’s okay to ask.” Levi gives you a quick side-eye.

‘Does your mom have dementia?’ You spell it out in case he wouldn’t recognize the word. A moment passes before Levi speaks again.

“Yes. It’s been progressing quickly.”

‘Is this why she was in the hospital back in March?’

“Yeah, but it wasn’t this bad. Back in December is when she started showing symptoms of it. It took some time to get some answers.” Levi slows down for a red light. He fully turns his head to look over at you. There’s an evident darkness not only in his eyes but under them as well. You wonder if he’s gotten any sleep lately.

‘She’s just as lovely as I think I remember. I forgot we share a birthday.’ You think back to that memory from earlier. ’She is quite a wonderful person, isn’t she?’ Levi watches you carefully. He’s not just tired, there’s a level of exhaustion there that you just now notice. It takes everything in you to not fling yourself over to him and hold him. Thank goodness for the seatbelt.

“She really is.” He mumbles softly and looks back to the road. The light turns green, and the car starts rolling again.

‘Can I ask why the assisted living place and not with you?’ Levi grips the steering wheel tightly and purses his lips. You’re afraid you might have pushed too hard, but he just sighs.

“It was her request. She didn’t want to burden me with her illness, even though I told her many times it didn’t matter to me. It’s what she wanted.” Levi mutters.

‘You’re a good son. She really loves you.’ He chuckles at that.

“So she says.”

‘Does it hurt to talk about her? We don’t have to if you don’t want to.’ Levi’s face falls a bit. Your heart breaks for him.

“No, no it’s not that. I just- I don’t talk about her much, so. This is different.”

‘Will you talk about her more then? If you’d like. I’d love to listen.’

And so, he does the entire car ride. Even after he made a quick stop at a bakery on the way, he continued without issue. At some point in his stories, he actually starts smiling. One that makes your heart flutter and soar. You twisted in the passenger seat with your head resting against the top of it, staring at Levi while he talks animatedly about the things he and his mom used to get up to. There’s a lightness in his eyes and you swear he briefly turned into that little boy you vaguely remember so long ago.

For once, you’re in a part of town that you recognize. This is Onyankopon’s neighborhood. All of the houses you pass are all cookie-cutter and are only told apart by the unique decorations that litter every lawn. It was clear you were going to his house, which piques your curiosity.

You’ve only been over for his occasional game nights, something he decided to do once he saw how successful Hange’s movie nights went. After a bit, Levi slows down in front of a familiar house, the street filled with multiple cars. Fortunately, the driveway is clear, and Levi ends up pulling up into it. Much to your surprise, your sister is standing out waiting, waving their hands up above their hands like they were flagging a plane.

“Damn shorty, took you long enough! We’ve been waiting forever!” Hange screeches the moment you both slide out of the vehicle. Levi grabs the bakery box from the back seat and rolls his eyes once he meets Hange’s gaze.

“You asked me to distract. So, I did.” He scoffs then heads through a gate connected to the backyard, disappearing from view.

‘What are you doing??’ You ask as Hange bounds over to you with a wide grin.

“Don’t worry about it. Turn around and close your eyes.” You cock an eyebrow at her in disbelief. “Trust me.” It was your turn to roll your eyes, but you do as you’re told. Suddenly, Hange’s warm hands are covering your eyes from behind. “And walk.”

You’re not sure if they did it on purpose but at one point you end up walking face first into the fence. They apologize through a fit of giggles and you attempt to kick at her from behind, missing of course. Eventually, Hange stops you. There are a myriad of noises coming from a lot of different places and you would be lying if you said you weren’t a little overwhelmed.

“Don’t open your eyes until I say, okay?” You nod and then feel Hange’s hands pull away. A couple beats and then you hear them shout, “Okay, now!” When you open your eyes, it takes a moment for them to adjust from the abrupt change in brightness. But when they do, you’re again for what feels like the millionth time today, at a loss for words.

Nanaba, Onyankopon, Furlan, Moblit, and Hange all have their arms wide open as they yell ‘SURPRISE!’. Miche and Erwin are off to the side, standing by a grill, and they’re both smiling as well. Levi is nowhere to be found. A hand goes to your mouth as you stare in bewilderment at the rest of the yard.

The entire backyard is strung up with fairy lights and multi-colored streamers. On the back fence, a large white screen is pinned up and in front of that on the grass are multiple bean bags and spread-out blankets. There’s a long table tucked into that corner with a popcorn maker and a ton of other snacks that you couldn’t make out from here. The other corner has a table filled with presents of various sizes and colors. In the center, there’s a large rectangular table all set with dishware, cutlery, and various covered platters. A cookout and movie night it seems like, and you couldn’t be more thrilled.

You jump excitedly and run to your friends, hugging each of them tightly. No amount of thank yous could cover the gratitude you felt for each of them.

“Man, it took you so long to get here! Did Levi hold you hostage?” Nanaba jokes. She has a beer in hand and she’s already pink in the face from it. She must be a couple drinks in, you guess. You shake your hand in a ‘maybe’ gesture at her and she just laughs.

“He didn’t wreck my car, did he?” Erwin laughs down at you as you run over. Miche ruffles your hair, and you smack him away with a grin. Both of them also have a beer can in hand, laid back in airy casual clothes. You turn to Erwin and shake your head in response only to raise an eyebrow at his apron. The words ‘Dedicate your heart to grilling’ in large red letters decorate the front.

“What do you think? It looks good, right?” Erwin tugs at it and wiggles his big brows at you then directs his attention back to the grill, flipping something you can’t see from this angle. It smells delicious.

“Did you and Levi have a good time out today?” Miche mutters down to you quietly, taking a swig from his can. Before you can respond, you’re startled by loud voice from behind.

“Ah yes, please do tell!” Your sister yells as they saunter over to your little group. They have a plastic tiara in their hands, sunshine glaring off every corner of it. Before you can protest, she slides it into your hair and slaps your hands down when you attempt to move it. Hange wraps an arm around your shoulders when she’s satisfied then bumps her head against yours gently as she says, “What did you and Levi do today?” Even Erwin’s eyes are on you as you shrink back from the sudden focus on you and Levi.

‘It was good. We got lunch together and then we went to visit his mom.’ Hange translates for Miche. Erwin, however, stares over at you with shock.

“He took you to visit his mom?”

‘Yeah, she’s quite lovely. We share a birthday.’ You get this feeling like Erwin didn’t know that. In their many years of friendship, he’s had to have met Kuchel at least once, right? He only hums in thought and continues on with his job.

“That sounds like a lovely time. I’m glad he took care of you.” Hange winks and pokes your cheek before letting go of you and turns you to face them. “Okay so here are the plans. We’re going to mingle, we’re going to eat, we’re going to open presents, and then we’re watching your favorite movie while we eat snacks and hang out. How does that sound?” You pull her into a tight hug in response and she laughs loudly.

“Sounds like a yes to me. Hey Erwin, how much longer?” Onyankopon joins in on your little huddle. You pull away from Hange and turn around to see where everyone else is. Moblit and Furlan are both messing with the projector and Nanaba is pulling another drink out of the cooler under the snack table. Levi is still nowhere to be found.

‘Excuse me.’ You sign quickly before slipping away towards the sliding glass doors that lead into Onyankpon’s house.

When you step in, it’s noticeably cooler. ‘Pon’s house is very much a bachelor pad, and you had said so the first time you came over. At least he has style, you think. At first, everything is quiet save for the snap of the door as you close it behind you. You stand there for a moment. Suddenly, your ears twitch at something metal being placed down on a counter in the kitchen. There you are.

When you round the corner, you spot Levi sitting at the island top with a mug in hand as he stares out the kitchen window. He seems lost in thought. His dark eyes trail over to you at your movement but says nothing.

‘Can I join you?’ He nods and jerks his head to the seat next to him.

“Bored already?” Levi says as you sit down. His voice is tired.

‘Not necessarily. I just didn’t want to celebrate without everyone there.’ He takes another sip and hunches forward on the counter onto his elbows.

‘Did you want to talk about it, Levi?’ He sets his mug down and puts his face in his propped-up hand, tilting his head so that he’s looking at you dead-on. Levi purses his lips.

“I just miss her.” He whispers over at you. You don’t resist it this time – you reach over and brush away some of the hair that fell into his eyes. He doesn’t jump at your touch anymore, you realize.

‘It must be difficult doing this alone. You don’t have to be.’ There’s a brief moment where you’re both staring at each other before Levi reaches over and lightly grips your wrist in his long fingers, tugging you closer. They’re cold, creating goosebumps that pop up all over your arms – or was it the proximity of Levi? You’re not certain of what might happen next, but you don’t resist. His lips part as if to say something but is interrupted by Furlan yelling from the hallway, the increase in volume signifying his quick approach. Levi has already let go and is focusing hard on his mug.

“Where are you both?! Dinner is ready!” Furlan rounds the corner and stops abruptly as his eyes land on you and Levi. He smirks and leans against the archway. “There you two are.”

“We’re coming, jeez. Calm down.” Levi grumbles next to you as he stands up. He walks over to the sink to rinse his mug out. When you glance back over to Furlan, he winks at you and leaves the way he came. Levi steps past you but you reach out and grab his wrist to keep him from leaving. He looks down at you and raises an eyebrow. You made him stop but you don’t even know what to say or do next.

“There’s no need to make them wait for the birthday girl any longer than they already have.” He mutters down to you. He moves his fingers so that they’re interlaced with yours and pulls you up from your chair with a gentle pull. He stares at you with his cloudy gray eyes before eventually saying, “We can talk more later.” And then he’s leading you through the house and back out the glass door.

Dinner was fun, as it always is with your group of friends. Despite the amount of energy you put into refusing, you were made to sit at the head of the table – with your plastic tiara no less. You ended up not really minding as much as you thought you would. This seat granted you the best spot to watch your friends mess around and chat. Levi wound up being put at the other end of the table, so you were able to catch his eye a couple times throughout. At some point, you had gotten so lost in thought about him that Hange had to throw a chip at you to break you out of it.

“Thinking about all the presents we got you?” Hange jokes once you focus on her face.

‘Just thinking about how ridiculous yours is going to be.’ You stick your tongue out at them.

“Oh, you're going to regret that. Clear the plates! IT’S TIME.” Your sister is practically vibrating in excitement. This isn’t different from her usual self, but you’d be lying if you said you weren’t interested.

You were told to stay in your seat as everyone else cleaned off the table and set it up with the presents. Hange comes by and swipes what you suspect is hers and you assume she’s going to bring it to you to open it first, but instead she holds it in her arms.

“Yes, I know, I usually ask to go first. But not this time.” She grins wickedly. Forget interest, you’re now afraid. You reach for another package with caution, eyeballing your sister.

It’s small with simple gold wrapping. ‘Erwin’ is written in neat font on the top of it. You glance up at the gift-giver in question. He has chin in his hands as he stares over at you with hard focus. You hate to ruin the presentation, but you can’t help as your excitement wins out and you tear into it. A small box with a yellow polaroid camera stares back at you. You sit up straight and smile widely at Erwin as you sign a ‘thank you’ to him.

“You’re welcome! You know I got myself one too. They’re quite neat, don’t you think?” He says boisterously. His reaction makes you laugh as you set it aside to open the next one.

It went like this for the next half hour. You are gifted clothes and travel items, all summer themed. You know that it’s probably because Summer is right around the corner, but there’s a part of you that feels like these gifts were all coordinated. There’s a moment where you’re just side-eying Hange as they hold your gift hostage, but they just shrug their shoulders with a smug grin.

Finally, you’re down to the last one, and by process of elimination, you know it’s Levi’s. You catch his eye at the end of the table again. He’s leaning back in his chair as he stares over at you, a hint of amusement in his face. Levi’s gift is in the form of a small, blue envelope. You eye him curiously as you flip it open and pull the contents out. A folded slip of paper is the only thing that comes out of it. At first glance once you open it, you notice it’s a printed email from a place called Jinae Community Aquatic Center.

This email is to confirm your reserved spot for adult swimming lessons

Your first lesson is scheduled for Saturday, June 3rd at 10:00am.

Location: Pool B

Please bring appropriate swimming gear as well as your filled out forms attached to this email.

We look forward to seeing you then!

-JCAC

You stare over at Levi with bewilderment. Swimming lessons? You knew how to swim, kind of. But this was truly the most random gift out of them all.

‘What is this?’ Hange comes over to you and takes the paper to get a better look at it.

“Yeah, Levi, what is this? I thought we agreed you’d get her some floaties?” Hange whines as she stares over at him.

“Well, with the lessons, we’ll know she can swim for sure. Floaties not needed.” He shrugs and looks away disinterested.

Why would you need swimming lessons?

‘What is going on?’ You stare back up at your sister, puffing your cheeks out in slight annoyance.

“Okay okay, just open this last one. It’ll make sense then.” She places it in front of you on the table and steps back. You look back up at everyone else and they’re watching in anticipation. As usual, you rip it apart and under the wrapping is a clothing box. Pulling off the lid reveals an envelope on top of sheer stuffing paper. You go for the envelope first, pulling the flap open and revealing the contents.

Inside is another confirmation email, but this time from an international airline. You stand up from your seat quickly as you read the information on it, the chair clattering backwards behind you from the sudden shift in movement. This email confirms flights for four people, all set to take off early on the morning of June 20th. You’ve never heard of this town Liberio before, but you didn’t care. It was in a whole other country, and you were going in a month.

You jump up and down in excitement then tackle Hange with a hug before letting go and signing, ‘Who is all coming?’

“Take a guess, goofball.” She shifts her gaze to Erwin and Levi. “I tried roping in everyone else but apparently, they have ‘better’ things going on.” She stares at Onyankopon with a teasing glare.

“You just had to schedule it the same time I’m going back home to visit.” ‘Pon rolls his eyes.

“Hange didn’t even tell me until like a week ago. Besides, I’m kind of out of vacation days.” Furlan chirps in, rubbing the back on his neck awkwardly.

When you look over at Miche, he just shrugs and says, “Beach towns aren’t really my thing. Saves me some money.”

“Listen, I wanted to!! But,” Nanaba glances over to Miche and for a split second you pick up on a vibe you hadn’t before. You squint your eyes at Miche, but he just avoids your eyes, opting to take a drink of his beer instead. “Prior commitments, sorry.” She looks over at you apologetically.

‘It’s okay. This is perfect! We’re going to have so much fun!’ You fling your arms around Hange again and squeeze tight.

“There’s one more present from me. Pull it out.” That wicked gleam is back in her eyes.

You pull back the paper between pinched fingers like there’s a bomb under it. Something pink catches your eye. You touch it and it’s a soft fabric. Curiosity gets the best of you, and you pull it out all the way and regret it immediately. Dangling from a hanger is a two-piece baby pink bathing suit. A very exposed and suggestive one, at that. Across the way, you see Levi spitting out the drink he had just taken a sip of with his eyes bulging out of his face. Nanaba laughs and wolf whistles.

“Hange, c’mon. Really?” Erwin chastises Hange with a very bright pink face – it almost matches the suit.

“What? I think she’ll look really cute in it.” You place it gingerly back in the box and cover it up. Your face heats up from embarrassment. You cut your eyes over to your sister and make a face at her.

“What?! She will!!” With that, you quickly tuck the box away with your other gifts and grab Hange by the face with both hands to get their attention.

‘Thank you. But if you’re done embarrassing me, can we go watch a movie now?’ Hange laughs and grabs you by the arm before pulling you with her to the beanbags.

It takes a while for the late spring sun to start setting, but eventually you find yourself sitting in a cushy bean bag snuggled up with your sister picking at a shared bowl of popcorn. The final decision on the movie landed on you since ‘it’s your special day’. You honestly didn’t care so you clicked on the first thing that passed by – an action thriller. With cars racing and buildings exploding, it would at least be fun for everyone.

Moblit and Furlan’s set up was on par with a drive-in, possibly even better. They had somehow connected a surround sound system with noise-sensitive LED lights creating a very immersive experience. With every explosion, the lights would flash a matching orange mixed with a resounding boom. Unfortunately, even that couldn’t hold your attention as your mind wandered early on into the film.

For one, the news of the beach trip next month really threw you for a loop. Hange had explained the circumstances of how the trip came to be as you all waited for the sun to set enough.

Apparently, Erwin had this trip planned for a while as an anniversary vacation for him and Carly back before November happened. He brought it up to Hange because unfortunately a lot of it was non-refundable and he didn’t want it to go to waste. Erwin had initially offered to gift it to you and your sister as a surprise but Hange being Hange, they had talked Erwin into extending the trip and coming with.

From there, your mind wanders to Levi – as it tends to do with everything. You couldn’t believe that Erwin and Hange had successfully talked him into closing the shop for a week and a half so he could make it too. Even though you had only known Levi for a short time, you knew this was not his thing. The traveling, the summer heat, especially the crowds. And yet, he was willing to come. You have a sneaking suspicion as to why.

You feel a stare burning into the back of your head and when you look back to see who it’s from, you catch Levi watching you from a couple bean bags over. You raise your hand in a small wave and he does the same. There’s that knot in his eyebrows again and you wonder what he might be thinking about. Probably the same thing you are. Levi holds your gaze a little longer before he shifts in his seat and looks away.

There’s something going on between the two of you, you can’t deny that. And you think he knows that too. Part of you wonders why he’s taking so long to say anything but then again, so are you. But you don’t know how much longer you can hold yourself back anymore. If it wasn’t for the self-doubt clawing in your chest, you would go over to him and kiss him right now.

Levi doesn’t get home until around one in the morning, not like that bothered him much. He was accustomed to being up at weird hours. Fresh out of the shower, Levi runs a towel through his wet hair as he sits himself down at his desk chair. He settles into the soft cushion and leans back, closing his eyes for a moment.

That’s twice now that Levi almost kissed you.

Though, it would have been much more if he acted on his impulsive thoughts.

He rubs his eyes with the heels of his palm and groans. These feelings for you were starting to consume every part of him and he didn’t know how much longer he could hold out. It was coming to the point where if he doesn’t talk to you about it soon, he might combust. There’s no mistaking how you both just make sense together, as stupid as it sounds to him.

‘It must be difficult doing this alone. You don’t have to be.’

There’s always been a part of him that knows he doesn’t have to do it alone. Even after years of figuratively carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders, he knew. But getting out of that mindset was not something he thought he had an option to do - until you. He’s never had someone offer to be there for him. Granted, he never lets anyone in like that in the first place. But as startling as it is, he was okay letting those walls down – if it’s for you. You were offering to take the weight of the sky with him so that he didn’t have to suffer alone.

Sitting up, his fingers move fast as he grabs his phone from the desk and clicks on your name. It rings once before the line clicks open. There’s silence of course, but your soft breathing is enough to ensure that you were there. A moment passes and his phone buzzes with a message.

‘Are you okay?’

“I just didn’t want to be alone.” Levi mutters. He hears something scratch on the other side and then another buzz.

‘I’ll be here as long as you need.’

You ended up falling asleep about half an hour later, but Levi didn’t mind. Your deep breathing from the other end calms him so much so that before he knows it, he wakes up in his chair to the early morning light filtering into his bedroom. The line is still on, and you’re still there.

☾ Previous Chapter: April ☾ Next Chapter: June - Part One

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theonevoice · 6 months

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Rumination n. 7 - The Stain

I am about to say something outrageous, but this scene is haunting me and I need to take it out of my obsessive brain.

We all have been thinking about the (not so) slightly maniacal, sphinx-like smile that appears on Aziraphale's face at the very end of e6 end credits, and how it seems to suggest that something is brewing inside the angel's head.

But this is not the scene that is haunting me. It's this one:

Now, like many of us, I've been toying with possible scenarios involving the Metatron and the threat of the Book of Life, and I want to take a moment to say something up top: I have mixed feelings about the Book of Life as a thing. Not just because we don't know anything about how it actually works and, if we want to be punctilous, we don't even have undisputable confirmation that it exists and it's not in fact a myth that the Heaven-regime has spread in order to keep everyone in check (that Heaven has regime-like strategies for controlling its ranks, possibly even before the Fall, it's clear by the appalling callousness of the Metatron saying "For one Prince of Heaven to be cast into the outer darkness makes a good story", meaning a story that works as an effective cautionary tale). But most of all because this all-encompassing Book of Life seems to me like the kind of overpowered magic-object-ex-machina plot device that can really break a narrative, and I am willing to accept it only because I trust Neil Gaiman entirely. Also, I have a feeling that, on a metaphorical level, the prospect of being "erased from the Book of Life" has already happened, in a way (but that's matter for a different rumination).

That said, I am wondering if it's Aziraphale the one we should be worrying about. Mr "I would always know the stain was there", aka fixing something is not enough, the preferable solution is to make sure that the bad thing never happened in the first place, so its memory will not haunt you, its remaining smudge will not darken the perfect picture that you want your existence to be.

I am wondering if that creepy smile means that he is planning to steal the Book of Life, like several metas and fics imagined, but not to keep himself and Crowley safe: he could be planning to steal it in order to undo the Fall.

And sure, that would mean erasing the 6000 years of his and Crowley's history together, and nobody in his right mind would do that - but is Aziraphale in his right mind? When he steps into the elevator, he is as broken as Crowley is, and possibly more, because in addition to their relationship crumbling into dust, he also has to deal with the pull of his desire to bring into reality the idealized version of Heaven that he has always hoped for.

He is shattered. He has lost Crowley, has lost his bookshop, has lost Earth. He is involved against his will in the Second Coming plans. He's hyperventilating as the elevator goes up, shoulders and chest struggling to find air - is on the verge of a panick attack. He is in the mindset of someone who is feeling his entire existence slipping away under his feet at lightspeed, not knowing how or why, not a split second to realise what is happening.

It's not impossible, when you are in such a state, to shut down and cling to one and only one thought: how do I undo this?

It's not impossible, if you are in the middle of a traumatic response, to fixate on finding the single, cursed, wrong turn that sent you down the path that lead you in this place of devastating pain and fear, obsessing over the idea that if you can correct that one error, everything will be fine again. Because you just cannot process the idea that what happened is destined to stay "happened": it's just too big and too wrong and too unthinkable to become a part of your biography like all events before that - as per the definition of trauma by Judith Herman.

You cannot reconcile it with the rest of your life, you enter in a state of mind that denies reality and treats it like a a gamer would treat a mission that he messed up between to saving points: yes, it sucks, but nothing to worry about, you just go back in time and this time do things the right way. You just need to identify where you went wrong.

This is, I think, the place where Aziraphale's mind is in the final scene.

"What have I done wrong? Where did I do the wrong thing? When did I say the wrong word? What incident brought us here? How could this happen if I love you so much? Why would you shout and be angry at me if I love you so much? What evil force could prevent you from seeing that I love you so much? This is all a mistake. How can we not be together right now if I love you so much? How can the fact of us being separated exist in the same world where I love you so much? This must be a mistake. What is it that I need to undo to save us, our dream? To make the error and all this pain go away? If only I could find the mistake, the single bad thing that threw a monkey wrench into our happiness..."

But he cannot find one single moment in their long history together that stands out as "the" mistake to blame for what just happened, and he keeps going back and back and back, looking for "the" thing that ruined their plans.

If only we were not on opposite sides.

I think that, right now, in Aziraphale's head, the one original error that lead him to lose the love of his life is the Fall. It's the initial irreparable fracture that ripped in half the angelic population of the beginning and made impossible for the two parts to be together ever again.

Of course Crowley did and could not want to be "restored" to his former angelic status, he can see why, he's not blind. And probably he's more than ready to recognize that Crowley is right in refusing that offer. The proposal was wrong in the first place. The solution to all their problems isn't making Crowley not a demon anymore, it's making sure that there were no demons to begin with.

"If I'm in charge, I can make a difference."

I can make a different ending for this scene that just went horribly wrong. I can make a different reality where this horrible moment could never happen.

And if this is what is going through his head, his next task - and Crowley's mission - will be to accept that sometimes there is no undoing. You can either find a way to patch things up and find the right path again, or stay broken and astray. But either way you will have to come to terms with the fact that some mistakes cannot be undone, and the bad things that happened cannot be erased. You can only learn to live with them, accomodate their painful memory in your existence, accept the presence of a stain that will always be there, underneath.

#good omens #good omens 2 #good omens thoughts #good omens 2 spoilers #go2 #go2 spoilers #book of life

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bensolosbluesaber · 2 years

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Someone Like You: Part 2 (Marc Spector, Steven Grant, and Jake Lockley x Avengers f!reader)

Summary: Sure, you might have escaped with everyone alive, but the aftermath of using your powers is less than pleasant. And why is Marc Spector the one taking care of you? ~3,500 words (Part 1)

Angst, Hurt/Comfort

Pairings: Primarily Marc Spector x f!reader, Jake Lockley x f!reader, Steven Grant x f!reader

Warnings: DID mentions and lots of them, canon typical violence, blood and injuries, mentions of childhood trauma/abuse, disassociation and nightmares, not edited very well

A/N: I represented DID in this fic in a way similar to the show, or at least that was my intention. Please understand this is fictionalized and dramatized, but also please tell me if there are errors. I hope you all enjoy this!

Bruce passes Marc a glass of water, and he takes it in a shaky hand. The two men could be considered friends. Bruce could sympathize with Marc’s trauma - the little that Marc had shared, and Bruce understood DID in a way that none of the other Avengers could. Marc gives Bruce a tight smile then turns to Nat who has been explaining the situation.

“You sent her into my head,” Marc interrupts accusingly.

“It’s what had to be done,” Nat answers simply. Her tone leaves no room for argument.

Marc glares for a long moment then nods slowly. She is right. He doesn’t like it, but it’s true. Getting out had been nearly impossible even with your help.

“Ask if she’s alright,” Steven insists from the head space.

Marc’s hand tenses around the glass.

“Where is she?” He says instead.

Nat glances back at the other Avengers. Sam tilts his head, pondering something, and then nods. Bucky huffs with displeasure but doesn’t argue. All of the others already know about what you unaffectionately call the aftershocks.

“She’s dealing with the aftermath of a mind walk,” Nat explains.

“Which is?” Marc asks before Steven can butt in and do it himself.

Nat looks to Bruce for a more scientific explanation.

“It’ll be worse because she just mind walked yesterday,” Sam adds. “Sometimes we sit with her. Most times she wants left alone.”

“Her consciousness was inside yours, right? But at the same time, your consciousness was seeping into hers. Think of it like a sponge in a bucket of water. She’s the sponge. You’re the water,” Bruce explains. He was the one who had initially studied your brain to figure out what caused such dramatic aftershocks. His words are scientific and detached, not for lack of empathy but for excess of it. “Your consciousness needs to work out of hers. The sponge being squeezed. Unfortunately, she can’t really control it. She’ll see the worst memories of the person she mind walked into. They play through her head for a few hours like nightmares. Sometimes more of a dissociation. It’s... difficult.”

But Marc wasn’t listening anymore.

“She’s seeing my worst memories?” He whispers.

“Marc, this isn’t fun for her. She wasn’t trying to invade your privacy,” Natasha says, misinterpreting Marc’s concern as being for himself.

“She is seeing my worst memories?”

“Yes, but she-“

“Is someone with her? Right now, who is with her?” Marc jumps out of bed, ignoring Bruce’s protest.

“She wanted to be alone,” Bucky replies.

“You let her be alone!? While she is seeing my worst memories? Fuck!” Marc glares at him, and pushes past everyone and out of the room without another word.

He hurries down the hallway, the others close behind and calling after him until he busts through the door to the room he knows is yours.

“Oh fuck,” Bucky breathes when he sees you.

But it is Marc who is at your side first. Your eyes are wide and clouded and staring blankly at the door in complete disassociation. The chill of the room makes your skin prickle with goosebumps, and the occasional shiver runs across your otherwise still body. Disturbingly still. Your cheeks are wet with tears that are still flowing freely, and that’s unnerving in it’s own way. Your face is emotionless and empty, and yet you are openly crying.

Normally you would wrap yourself in a heavy blanket and hug some sort of stuffed animal. You would make sure your eyes were shut. You would find a comfortable position. You’ve done none of those things, so the Avengers know the aftershocks must have come over you suddenly.

Marc kneels beside your bed and smooths a rough hand over your cheek. No response. He thumbs a tear away, and looks back at the others. His brown eyes are wide and worried.

“I’ll stay,” Sam offers. “Buck did it last time.”

“I will.”

The four other Avengers all turn to Marc at the some time. They are not even bothering to hide their shock.

“You hate her?” Bucky states, although it’s more of a question.

“No he doesn’t.” Nat lets a small smile tug at her lips as Marc’s actions confirm what she has suspected for a long time.

“No, I don’t,” Marc confirms. “I’ve got her. My fucked up mind, my responsibility.”

“If you sit in bed with her, she can sort of sense a presence. If she feels safe, she might hold your hand. It’s not because she’s awake, just some subconscious thing,” Nat explains.

“Make sure she’s warm,” Sam adds and fixes Marc with a firm stare.

Nat guides the others out of room, giving Marc a last little sad grin on the way out. The door clicks shut.

Marc can’t tear his eyes away from you. You’d gone into his head, knowing this would happen, knowing that you’d see the worst parts of his life. None of the Avengers knew much about him, but they knew about his DID. You were smart enough to know what type of traumas caused that condition, the things you might see.

And you had been worried about him feeling violated.

A shiver makes you curl in on yourself, eyes sliding shut as you whimper so softly Marc barely hears.

“Get in the bed,” Jake mutters, and even his words are tinged with concern. “We’re warm.”

Marc looks down, realizing for the first time that someone had changed him into sweats and a t shirt. He hesitates for only a second before grabbing a blanket and sitting beside you. He leaves a few inches of space between your bodies and carefully drapes the blanket over you.

Your shivers diminish but don’t subside entirely as you grasp the blanket and draw it closer. Marc whispers your name, thinking you might be awake. No response. He stretches his legs out and watches while he takes calming breathes, not wanting to force Steven or Jake to the front unexpectedly.

What are you seeing now? What terror of his past are you being subjected to?

The cave is damp and cold, and even as the memory guides you into the cramped space after two little boys, you know what is going to happen. The water is icy cold as it rises around your feet, getting higher and higher as the screams get louder and echo back on themselves in an overwhelming cacophony of sound.

You want to scream, to escape, but you are as trapped and helpless as the boys, as Marc.

A warmth fills the space next to you. It’s unexpected and a sharp contrast to the cold water. It feels calmer, and part of your mind realizes it’s something in the real world even if you aren’t consciously aware of that fact. After a long pause you reach for the warmth, gravitating to the comforting feeling of the presence even as your mind pulls you violently into another memory.

Marc startles as your head falls on his thigh. A moment later your arm wraps around his waist. Without thinking, he smooths a hand over your hair and secures the blanket around your shoulders. He looks down at your face that is turned toward him, eyes shut, but there is no recognition of where you are or who you are with.

“Now you have to tell her we like her,” Steven tries to cut Marc’s nervous tension with some humor.

“Oh, it’s ‘we’ now?” Jake joins in on the gentle ribbing. “I didn’t realize I was pining uselessly too.”

Marc can find no humor as he feels your tears soaking through his pants.

“Doesn’t matter now,” he replies into the head space, using a harsh tone that silences the other alters. “She’s seen in our head. No one in their right mind wants within five feet of that mess.”

Marc tilts his head back and slams his eyes shut as he draws in a trembling breath. His throat hurts with the effort of holding back tears. He never wanted you to see these terrible parts of himself, so he had avoided you despite his attraction. All that time pretending to hate you had amounted to nothing.

Every so often you whimper and cuddle closer, nuzzling your cheek against his thigh and pressing your forehead against his stomach. You should have left him there in that prison of his own mind. If you had, you wouldn’t be suffering like this now.

Your skin is soft under his touch as he runs his fingers over your bare arm. He holds you like that for hours, sometime fixing the blanket. It’s not moving, but he does it anyway as a sort of nervous tick.

“Marc,” Steven interrupts that series of self-destructive thoughts with a gentle voice. “Easy, mate. You’re pulling me forward.”

“Sorry,” Marc apologizes quickly and swipes at his cheeks. Now he was crying too.

“S’okay,” Steven replies. “You shouldn’t think stuff like that though.”

Right as Marc is forming a reply, you jerk awake and pull back from whoever it is you’re laying on. Bucky, probably. He’s always warm and comforting.

After a long moment of composing yourself, you drop your hands to look up at Bucky.

Instantly you bury your face in your hands, swiping tears from your cheeks as your mind reels from the memories you had just witnessed. Over the years, you had become quite adept at not giving people ‘that look’ - the pitying and condescending look people give others after hearing about their past. But how the hell were you going to look at Marc now?

It’s not Bucky. No, it’s not Bucky at all. It’s Marc. You are stunned into silence for a few seconds, and the only emotion on your face has to be shock because Marc Spector - who hated you more than anyone ever had - just sat with you through your aftershocks. Marc Spector had let you cuddle up against him.

You draw the blanket closer. It is freezing in the room.

“I won’t tell anyone,” you assure him quickly in a voice tinged with sadness. That must be why he is here. Nat or maybe Bruce explained everything, and he’s afraid that you will tell the other Avengers about his past.

“I didn’t mean to see all that,” you continue when he says nothing. “I can’t help them, I swear. But I don’t tell people what I see in the aftershocks… ever. So, uh,” you stumble over your words as he continues to stare at you. “You don’t ever have to hear from me again. You can go.”

When he doesn’t, you turn and roll out of bed. Your bed. Your bed that Marc is in. The second you go to stand your knees buckle, and you crash to the ground

Now you’ve seen the worst parts of Marc’s life - of the system’s life - laid bare in front of you, and your emotions that should be numb to such things are as sensitive as exposed nerves. You are barely holding yourself together, and you certainly aren’t stable enough to maintain an authoritative tone to get control of this situation. Instead you are stumbling over your words and practically begging Marc to go.

Before you can register the pain of the fall, Marc jumps out of bed and is holding you around the waist and pulling you up. You grasp his shirt and in a wildly self-destructive moment press your head into the curve of his neck, breathing in his scent, letting his warmth calm you until you are steady enough to step back on your own.

“You’re cold,” you mutter, noting the goosebumps on his skin again. You pass your blanket over to him. “Here.”

He could never deserve someone like you. You can barely stand, are clearly on the verge of tears, and definitely cold yourself, and yet you are giving him your blanket without a second thought. You are worrying about what he needs instead of taking care of yourself. You’re too good for him.

“Stop that,” Jake growls from far back in the head space. “Help her if you’re so worried.”

“Easy on him, Jake.” Steven agrees with Jake, but he would have said it in a nicer way.

“What do you do now?” Marc still has his hands out in case you fall again, one holding the blanket.

“Eat. Drink water. Go back to bed,” you murmur and walk slowly past the attractive man without looking up. “I’m not going to tell anyone, Marc. You don’t have to be nice. This isn’t blackmail.”

He follows you all the way to the kitchen, abandoning the blanket on the bed. Marc stands with his arms crossed while he watches you dig through the fridge. Eventually you produce a Tupperware of soup (Thor has been experimenting with cooking since becoming a father) and pop it into the microwave.

Five seconds. That’s all the time you give yourself to school your expression into something that doesn’t reek of pity and turn to look at Marc. Three. Two. You watch the green lights tick down the seconds. One.

Marc speaks first, which is good because you had no idea what you were going to say.

“I’m sorry you had to see that.”

A beat. People didn’t usually acknowledge what you might have seen. On the rare occasions you mind walked into someone you knew, both of you pretended the aftershocks never happened. This acknowledgment is… refreshing.

“I’m sorry you had to live it.”

Marc takes a glass from the cabinet and fills it with water. He hands it to you then gets his own. Steven and Jake have gone, leaving him alone with you as you watch the microwave work and drink your water.

“Thanks for coming in after me,” he finally says. That’s the best way he knows how to concede that you were right about them needing help. “You knew the after-whatever would happen, and you did it anyway. So… thanks.”

The microwave beeps and you take out the soup.

“Aftershocks,” you correct.

“Pedantic-” He hesitates, meaning to make a joke but remembering his earlier use of the same word.

“Bitch?” You offer, a bit sadly. The insult still stings because you still like him. He’s an ass, but you still like him.

He looks down, suitably chastised, and even though you think he deserves it, you can’t help but feel a little bit bad. And confused. You aren’t sure what is going on, just that this is the longest real life conversation you have ever had with any part of the Moon Knight system. That and you’d woken up cuddling with Marc, who apparently your subconscious considered safe enough to cuddle with.

You can feels his eyes on you as you scarf down the whole container. Thor really had gotten good at cooking. The empty container gets abandoned in the sink. You’ll take care of it tomorrow.

Right now you have a round of nightmares to work through. That was the last part of the aftershocks- besides the days of exhaustion. Technically the nightmares weren’t caused by your powers. It was just the brain’s natural response to seeing traumatic events, part of your mind processing the aftershocks into your memory. Sometimes you didn’t even have nightmares. Sometimes they lasted for days.

You had a sickening feeling you had quite a few restless nights coming.

“’Night Marc.” You raise your glass to him in a mock salute, trying to ignore how good he looks in the moon’s glow, the only source of light in the kitchen.

“Wait!”

You’re already to your room, and you freeze, hand on the door, and turn to see him running down the hall.

“What did you see?” He stops right in front of you.

“Marc, I-” What can you possibly say that will convince him you won’t tell anyone? You don’t want his fake niceties or insincere gratitude. You don’t want him living in fear that you’ll out his traumatic childhood.

You look down and away from those big sad brown eyes. Then his hand settles hesitantly on your cheek and turns your head up.

“I don’t care if you tell people,” he starts, and his gaze captures your own. “I care if you’re alright, and if you saw even half of my worst memories then you’re not. You were in my head, and it’s a fucking mess in there. My mind is broken.”

He says the final word just as you whisper, “Beautiful.”

“What?” It’s raw confusion in his voice as he drops his hand and genuinely believes he misheard you.

“Your mind is beautiful.” You swallow hard, still holding that eye contact that makes you feel naked. “Whoever told you otherwise is wrong.”

There’s a brief moment where Marc’s cynicism wants to control his reaction, but as he studies your face, he can find no lie. His mouth moves, but no words come out.

“I’ve been in a lot of minds,” you continue, suddenly feeling nervous, almost like you’re about to confess your feelings to a crush. “I’ve never seen any as elaborate as yours. Most people are just empty voids with some strange and inefficient filing system, but yours was like a whole world.” The words are coming faster now, and you can’t stop them. “And you’re strong. I always have control on my mind walks. I don’t get hurt, but I was bleeding. I had no control” Maybe you are doing the superhero equivalent of confessing feelings. “Your mind is incredible, Marc, and I’m so sorry for the things you went through that made it that way. But it’s not broken for creating what and who you needed to survive-”

Marc’s lips are warm. His lips are warm, and you know that because he is kissing you, cutting off your awestruck confession with a kiss so passionate you forget how to breathe. He covers your whole mouth with his, slipping his tongue into the kiss in a way that you would consider disgusting if it were anyone else. One of his rough hands is on your cheek, the other cages the back of your head, keeping you close and creating a barrier between your skull and the wall Marc pushes you into.

His whole body presses against you, and only then do you realize you’ve been kissing him back with just as much passion as he’s giving you.

When he finally pulls away, it’s only because even superheroes need to breathe. Marc’s forehead falls against yours as he takes an unsteady breath. Then another. His fingers are drawing small circles against your skin, a motion he doesn’t notice.

You look at his face- the red flush of his cheeks in the dim light, the small part of his lips, the broad swath of his nose that bumps against your own, those beautiful wide brown eyes that you want to melt into.

A potential love interest. That’s what Steven had said, and now you have time to really consider the implications of a comment you had been too busy to deal with earlier.

“Marc Spector,” you whisper his name like you’re saying a prayer. “You pretended to hate me to protect me from seeing inside your head, but all this time… all this time you had feelings?”

Marc feels the self-doubt creeping in.

“I’m gonna tell you right now, hermano,” Jake can hear Marc’s thoughts, knows what he’s about to say. “You say a thing about not being good enough for her, and I’m going to take the body and put our head through that wall.”

“Bloody hell, Jake! Don’t do- never mind. Alright look, Marc, it’s not up to us to decide if we’re good enough for her, it’s up to her. She clearly likes you, so… you know... keep doing what you’re doing.”

“Marc?” You bring your hands to his face. He has a shadow of stubble that is rough to the touch.

“Bruce said you might have nightmares. I’ll stay with you. If you want.”

It’s not a straight answer to your question, but it is definitely an answer. And it’s the answer you wanted. Marc likes you.

“You can stay, but they can get kinda bad.” You try to offer him an out, not wanting to scare him off when you wake up sobbing about a memory from his childhood. “I know you’re tired too.”

He’s having none of it as he shakes his head and pushes open your door, letting you lead the way inside. You change in your bathroom, brush your teeth quickly, and leave a spare toothbrush out for Marc. While he’s in the bathroom, you tuck yourself into bed feeling strangely nervous at the prospect of sleeping beside someone who was more than a platonic friend. It had been a long time since you’d done that.

You’re staring up at the ceiling when Marc crawls under the covers and turns out the light. He lays on his back too and feels for your hand to lace your fingers together.

“Can I- can I lay on you?”

A low chuckle rumbles in his chest as he drops your hand and opens his arms to you instead. You scoot closer and rest your head on chest, tossing an arm over his midsection, and pressing yourself close. He smooths circles across your back with his one hand and with the other toys with your fingers splayed across his ribs.

“Marc?”

“Hm?”

“I might have understated earlier.” Your voice shakes. Already your body is anticipating the nightmares, pumping anxiety inducing adrenaline through your system and making you tremble. “The nightmares are gonna be really bad, so you can leave if I keep you up.”

Marc leans forward to kiss the top of your head, a contact that is remarkably intimate. “I promise, I’m not going anywhere. I’m kind of an expert at sleepless nights.”

My Masterlist

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**This is a mess. Some people won’t tag. I’ve definitely missed people. I’m so so sorry!

MK Taglist: @love-on-the-murder-scene @bookfrog242 @irethepotato @graciexmarvel @simonsbluee @nagemasstuff @whovian378 @cringingmemeries @eerievixen @velyssaraptor @lethalbeautiful @mixerya92 @marrigold-2002 @sugarpunch-princess @slytherheign @simping-master-69 @bristark616 @kotonei-molyneux @slasherssexslave @luna-maximoff-22 @fantasy-is-best @dd242 @harrys-tittie @fandomgal64 @7minutes-tomidnight @deliciousblackfatcat @rqmanoff @xzombiealicex @awkward-d3rs3-dr3amer @femalemarvelself @hopefulfangirl24 @ale0m @a1tbunny @in-between-the-cafes @leh2393 @coffee-prince-kyungsoo @hopefulfangirl24 @hb8301 @mrsxreeves @alicetweven @woofgocows @blulemonades @alicetweven @queenie-rebel @snowinseptember @copingchaos @n1ght5h4d3-24 @chickenfoot6969 @splashofbi @maplemind @death-by-teacup @littlenosoul @local-mr-frog @knopewyattworld @paintmekala @chaoticevilbakugo @sparkythefallen1 @bex-tk1 @rellasnowheenim @huitzilinthebudgie3 @brookiebarnes @aduckinpain @ashes-136667

MK Taglist who I’m having trouble tagging: @parkeeepingparker @hoe4fiction @1337animeami @stxrielle @kezibear @stark-kirk-rogers-grant-blog @welcometostayingawake @jvstjewels @laters-gators12 @infinityparadoxloop @wolf-phoenix-lover

Other people who interacted with part 1: @spider-biter @brekkers-desigirl @elliaze @thescarletredwitch @calicokitkat @stargazingcarol @jupitersmoon167 @virtie333 @juneknight

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