anoverlyemotionalautist

[anoverlyemotionalautist]

Am I good enough?

Do I deserve to be loved?

Or am I nothing but a piece of worthless flotsam?

Do I have value?

Enough to hold?

Enough to treasure?

I don't know.

But I hope I'm not as worthless as I feel.

[anoverlyemotionalautist]

So much of the arophobia directed towards aromantic heterosexual men seems to be rooted in willful ignorance about what aromanticism actually is and how allosexual aromanticism differs from sexual objectification. Aromanticism is experiencing little to no romantic attraction towards others. That’s it. It isn’t the same as sending unsolicited dick picks to strangers or reducing women to their bodies. When a misogynistic man disregards a woman’s personhood in favor of treating her as a sexual object, it isn’t because he doesn’t experience romantic attraction to women. It’s because he chooses not to value women as people.

That has nothing to do with whether or not the man in question experiences romantic attraction. You can respect someone’s personhood without being romantically attracted to them. In fact, if you can’t respect a woman’s personhood without being attracted to her, then that is misogynistic. However, there is nothing inherently misogynistic about finding a woman sexy (even if you aren’t romantically interested in her!), nor is there anything inherently misogynistic about having casual sex with a woman who has enthusiastically consented to having casual sex. (Because, yes. Women CAN consent to having casual sex without being tricked into it via false promises of romance. Women are fully capable of deciding for themselves what they want to do with their bodies. Just because a woman does something with her body that makes you uncomfortable—like casual sex—doesn’t mean she’s a helpless victim who needs you to rescue her from her own autonomy.)

It also just seems so bizarre to me to claim that aromantic heterosexual men don’t face any stigma related to their aromanticism. Do you really think a man who has never had a crush on a woman won’t face any stigma for that? If a heterosexual man says that he has never gone on a date or has never had his first kiss, how do people react to that? Social norms for how men engage with romance are different from how women are expected to engage with romance; that doesn’t change the fact that men are still expected to engage with romance in certain normative ways.

Of course, aromanticism is not the same as just not going on dates or not kissing people. That is just one of many ways that aromanticism can look. But aromantic experiences are diverse, so it’s difficult to give a one-size-fits-all example of how aromantic heterosexual people are affected by arophobia. What I’m trying to express here is that aromantic people often don’t engage with romance in the way that society expects us to (if we engage with romance at all) and that, furthermore, men are often perceived differently when they do not conform to those expectations.

[anoverlyemotionalautist]

Am I worthless?

Do I have anything of value to offer to my loved ones, or do I just bring annoyance?

I think I might be useless.

Or at least a nuisance.

I feel like I basically just worm my way into the lives of others, refusing to leave, missing the obvious signals that I'm not welcome, and begging for attention.

I'm just so fucking stupid. Worthless garbage. Hateful idiot.

Maybe I should just disappear.

#tw suicide #tw depression #depression #sad #self loathing #self hatred

[anoverlyemotionalautist]

fugking love it here!!!!!!!!!

[anoverlyemotionalautist]

Would death fix me?

Would I be better off

Cold

Silent

Still?

Would others be?

Would they miss me, would they cry?

Or would they say,

"Well

Thank God that's over."

And leave me to my dark and chilly grave?

Am I a nuisance?

Do I bug you?

Does my presence or existence make your life worse?

I am needy, clingy,

Desperate for attention

Always begging to be seen.

Doesn't it get old?

Doesn't the look of my face and the sound of my voice just

Grate

Grind

Wear

On your body and soul?

It does

On mine.

I imagine worlds,

Places where the world runs on magic and stories,

And I can hold the universe in my heart.

But

I don't imagine I matter

Because my imagination isn't big enough for such a fiction

And my heart too small to hold myself.

I am broken.

But

Would death fix me?

[anoverlyemotionalautist]

Especially aromantic allosexuals.

The idea of a person who is both aro and ace is pretty comfortable for people. Sure, they're not interested in romance, but at least they're not interested in sex either.

But someone who experiences sexual attraction without any interest in romance? They're just a slut. A whore. Using people for sex. Don't you know that romance is the only legitimate, pure reason to want to have sex with someone? That if you want to have a sexual relationship without any expectation of romantic love, you're wrong?

That goes double for masc folks. There's already an insidious stereotype than men only want sex and that getting them to be romantic is like pulling teeth. That men need to be taught that engaging in romance is the "toll" you have to pay to access sex, and if you don't play the game right then you get nothing. It's transactional and insulting to everyone involved: men aren't just sex pests who need to be taught delayed gratification like a toddler, and women aren't just romantics who use sex to get what they want. So if you're masc-presenting and aromantic, you're going to be crucified for daring to express that, because you're playing into the stereotype. You'll be told that you're just using your partners, that your relationships aren't serious, that you need to grow up and be better and have a real relationship, as if being aromantic means your love for the people in your life is less because there isn't a romance component.

When a character shows up in media who could be interpreted as an aromantic allosexual, they're usually played for laughs or as an asshole. She's a slut, he's a player, haha what a jerk. It's not positive representation.

We deserve better.

Its always they're aspec coded until we decide it's more interesting for them to be gay.

Its always here are ten gay/bi characters and one asexual OR aromantic character.

Its always here's the most stereotypical aroace character we can think of who never feels any kind of attraction ever.

I'm so sick of getting scraps and every time there is a character who is ambiguous enough for me to project my own experiences onto it gets taken away.

Its fine. I get it. We don't have the right to exist, you think we're boring or not real queer representation, whatever.

I just wish I could point to one single character and say "that's me".

#queer #aromantic #asexual #aro #ace #aroace #aspec #acespec #allosexual #aromantic allosexual #queer representation #sexuality

[anoverlyemotionalautist]

Neurodivergence and Art

I've had Thoughts™️ on this for a while, so here goes.

I am deeply neurodivergent. I am deeply depressed. And I can't make art. And it makes me feel worthless.

Let me back up a bit. Our culture has certain expectations built into it for neurodivergent folks, especially sad ones like me. I'm Gifted, Special, "High-Functioning". I should be Good At Something, because that's how I Turn Pain Into Beauty and thereby fulfill the purpose of sad neurodivergent people.

But I don't. I can't. I can't write beyond maybe a grad school level, certainly nothing special, and my poetry is only "good... for a math major".

I can't sing, I can't play an instrument, I can't even read music, and before you ask, yes, I have tried to learn a hundred times. It won't stick in my head. Music is beyond me, despite the fact that I constantly compose songs and pieces in my head. They will never be heard, and that's just how it is.

I can't draw. I've tried to learn that, too, but I do everything step-by-step like you're supposed to but it always comes out wrong. I don't know if it's my eyes or my hands, but whenever I draw without significant guidance (graph paper and drafting tools) it just looks... wrong.

I'm worthless, and my pain is worthless, because I can't turn that pain into something beautiful that says something profound about the human experience.

Yet another reason I suspect I'm not really human. Not a real person. I have no insights into "the human experience" because I don't experience things in a human way. I experience them in a Me way, and that's too far removed from anyone else's frame of reference to make something relatable. I have no spiritual sense, no connection to anything deeper, nothing.

My sadness isn't beautiful. It's just sad, and after a while it gets old and it's just pitiful and annoying and you want me to go away and bother somebody else.

My pain isn't profound or insightful or relatable, it's just pain. It's old and it's new, it's big and it's small, it's the agony I carry every day and sometimes it pops out and drags me back into the pit and that's all it does. It doesn't give me a drive to create anything, or do anything, it just gives me a drive to escape, to run away as fast and as far as I can.

I am sad, and I am neurodivergent, and I am queer, and I am not an artist of any kind. I'm just me, and when I die I'll be forgotten and leave nothing behind.

#tw death #depression #art #self loathing #self hatred #autism #queer #neurodivergence #neurodivergent #anxiety #pain #worthless #beauty #poetry #writing #drawing #painting #singing #music #can't do anything right #rant

[anoverlyemotionalautist]

Using

Blade in my hand

I drag it across my skin

Pushing deep into my flesh.

Blood wells up

I push deeper

Until I can't take it.

I beg the razor to help me.

Why should it?

The razor has a name

She's someone I love

One of several

Partners, friends, in betweens.

All razors

When I want them to be.

I know all her buttons

And I push them, one by one.

Her self-control gives way

She lashes out

To protect herself,

Her anger hurts

And I deserve it.

Tears well up

I push deeper

Until I can't take it.

I beg her to help me.

Why should she?

Bottle in my hand

Pour a glass

Shake out the pills

Fill the syringe.

Drink it,

Swallow them,

Push it into my veins.

I sink into the fog

And I am high.

The bottle, too, has a name,

But I don't know it.

She doesn't know mine.

It doesn't matter.

Strip down together

See her shape

Smell her scent

Feel her skin

Know her

And be known in return.

Take her into my mouth

Drink deep

Taste her

Hear her moan.

Her fingers in my hair

She sinks into the fog

And I am high.

#tw self harm #tw drugs #depression #addiction #self-harm #drugs #autism #polyamory #tw sex #self-loathing #self-hatred #poem #poetry #bad poetry #please give feedback #sick #mental health

[anoverlyemotionalautist]

HEY YOU KNOW WHO’S COOL? ALLOSEXUAL AROMANTICS THAT’S WHO

Allosexual aromantics you people are awesome and 100% valid

It is perfectly alright to not want a romantic relationship but still enjoy sex

It is perfectly valid to be romance repulsed especially with the way society forces it at you from every turn

Aromantic bisexuals are amazing

Aromantic pansexuals are amazing

Aromantic lesbians are amazing

Aromantic gays are amazing

Trans aromantic allosexual people are amazing

Nonbinary aromantic allosexual people are amazing

Agender aromantic allosexual people are amazing

Genderfluid aromantic allosexual people are amazing

Boys who are aromantic and allosexual are amazing

Girls who are aromantic and allosexual are amazing

In conclusion aromantic allosexual people are awesome, and amazing, and deserve all the platonic love because nothing about them is bad.

Reblog to let your local aromantic allosexual know that they are amazing and should not be forgotten.

[anoverlyemotionalautist]

Body Image

I'm not pretty.

There's a specific set of ways for a guy to be considered "attractive", and I'm none of them.

I'm not tall, slender, and gracile, certainly no type of bishōnen. I'm short and rectangular. I'm shaped like someone took one of those clay sausages kids always make and slapped it really hard on the table. Flattened yet round.

My limbs are thick and short, but I'm certainly not muscular. I'm not a slab of rippling meat like the Chrises, Hemsworth and Evans. I'm about 6" too short to qualify for that category even if I were that well-defined.

Then there's the whole "shoulder-to-hip ratio" thing. I don't have one. Or rather, I do, and it's 1:1. Yes, even under the fat. I'm not joking, I'm the same width from top to bottom.

Before you mention "dad bod", that particular aesthetic kinda relies on a certain scruffiness, which I firmly lack. I can't grow stubble, it takes 2-3 days of not shaving before it's noticeable because I'm blond, and then it's just itchy and gross-looking. Plus there's also the expectation, as always, of tallness and some measure of shapeliness under the padding.

I'm not the right shape. I don't have much in the way of redeeming features, either: I have nice deep blue eyes and long, soft blond hair that kinda turns reddish if I let it get enough sun. That's... about it. I'm certainly a grower and not a shower, which means I miss out on any gray sweatpants antics.

I'm just tired of it. I'm tired of not being wanted by anyone, by being the guy people settle for rather than the guy people actively pursue. It's not great to see people fawning day in and day out over guys with torsos like doritos and arms like braided steel while there isn't really any positive... I dunno, "representation" feels like too serious a word; I just want to feel like there's some love in the world for guys who look like a rounded brick, who don't have any of the "traditional" assets to show off. It wears me down and some nights, like tonight, I break down.

I look at peoples' art, and read their stories, and consume all kinds of media. I'm not in them. Nobody sees me and is inspired to draw something beautiful because there is no beauty in me. Nobody wants to tell stories about me, or people who look like me, because there is nothing in me that anyone would want to relate to.

But that doesn't mean I don't wish there were art or stories. I would love to see a guy like me in drawings or shows, presented just as attractively and happily as the slender prettyboys and the rippling beefsteaks, without stigma or any feeling of being "lesser".

I just want somebody to tell me I'm not a totally undesireable thing. That someone, anyone out there is actively imagining themselves with someone like me, instead of just settling for someone like me because I'm easy. As cringey and stupid as it is, I want to be someone's fantasy, or at least the same general shape. I don't think there's many girls out there falling asleep thinking about a 5'8" chubby guy with autism, or flickin' the bean thinking about all 6" said 5'8" chubby guy is packin'. The best I can say is that I've met women who liked running their fingers through my hair when they kissed me.

Honestly, this could be the quarantine talking but I'm nearly weeping at the thought of being kissed, spontaneously and without hesitation, just for the sheer passion of wanting to kiss me. To be touched out of a raw and irresistible desire to do so, but with a certain tenderness and softness as well, a genuine affection.

It's all too much to ask, though, isn't it? Perfect moments like that belong to other people. To see yourself in something beautiful isn't for me, and it just hurts more to imagine what it must be like. To be seen as something beautiful isn't for me, either; my place in life is to be settled for and tolerated, not sought after and desired.

#rambles #body image #dating #love #autism #loneliness #quarantine #depression #I'm on the aro spectrum but sometimes I yearn #body positivity #male body image #male body #seriously it's 5:28 AM and I'm in pain #unattractive #mental health

[anoverlyemotionalautist]

Repeat after me: Non-Traditional Relationship Dynamics Are Valid.

Seriously.

I'm polyamorous. I'm also grey-aromantic and very sexual (side note: there needs to be a word for "really high sex drive" that isn't inherently pathologized like "hypersexual"). So you can imagine my frustration when half of all the dating profiles I see have "looking for something real" on them, as if anything other than "monogamous romantic relationship with sex twice a week" isn't "real".

My relationships are real. They're not less than yours just because I have more of them, or they're less romantic, or they're more sexual. Honestly even if every one of my relationships were friends-with-benefits that's still no less "real" than your bizarre desire for an expensive-ass diamond ring.

Stop denigrating non-traditional relationships.

#relationships #polyamory #dating #dating apps #aromantic #grey-aromantic #love #polyamorous #nontraditional relationships #queer

[anoverlyemotionalautist]

An open letter to the girls who see me on dating apps:

I know what I am and what I am not.

I know I'm not hot, I'm short and chubby and not one part of my face could be described as "chiseled". I'm not into sports, I can't dance to save my life, and I'm riddled with autism which really puts the bow on the whole package.

I also know I'm worth your time despite all those facts. Wanna know how I know? It'll sound like bragging, but read on, there's a solid point being made.

I have a lot of female friends. I seem to get along with women better than men, I can be more emotionally vulnerable with them and they're more emotionally vulnerable with me. I really like that in every type of relationship. Over the years, I've found that, after some time knowing me, most of my female friends wanted me at some point, and I was happy to make sure they had me for some amount of time. After they, for whatever reason, couldn't have me anymore, they missed me for various reasons (and to be clear, we remained friends in the vast majority of cases). At least, they expressed a desire to be with me again if the occasion arises.

So what's my point? This seems like pointless braggadocio, a useless exercise in self-aggrandizement.

My point is that you shouldn't skip over me just because my photos aren't flattering and my profile seems nerdy, shy, awkward, or what have you. I know I'm not as visually appealing as some guys (although I am trying to get fitter and stronger), but if the lesson my female friends learned can be summed up in a sentence it's this:

I'm worth the time it takes to get to know me.

It doesn't matter what you're looking for, really, although I'm not really pursuing a long-term relationship at this time (but if something more serious emerges from a casual relationship, I'm willing to let things go where they will) and I am non-negotiably polyamorous as well, for the time being. If I form a bond with you I'm sticking around in one way or another, whether or not we remain sexually or romantically involved.

Don't "swipe left" automatically just because of... whatever it is that put you off at first glance. Go deeper, what you'll find is worth it.

#actually confident for once #autism #polyamory #love #friendship #relationship #depression #anxiety #frustrated #unhappy #unwanted #but I'm good enough #dating #dating apps #tinder #bumble #okcupid #shallow

[anoverlyemotionalautist]

Dating

God I haven't been sad enough to post here for a while. But I'm breaking down.

So I'm... not conventionally attractive. I've mentioned it before. I'm 5'8", I'm 205 lbs (which is 35 less than I used to be, and I'm still at the fat end of "dad bod"), my face is a solid 5, my facial hair is bad but I can't grow better, all that stuff. These are issues for me, but tolerable. People who are worse looking or otherwise physically worse-off end up in happy, healthy relationships all the time.

The problems start when I mix in two factors. I'm autistic and aromantic.

I'm autistic. This is a problem because the thing that makes up for a sub-par body is social skills, of which I have none, and confidence, of which I have even less.

I'm aromantic. I don't experience romantic attraction or the desire for romantic interactions. The fullest extent of relationship of which I am capable is "friends with benefits, but more serious". My longest-lasting and best relationship was basically us being best friends and also having sex. That felt so natural to me that it took months after she left before I even realized I was aro, I thought that's what romance was. I know now that other people experience something else that I don't, that is, romantic attraction.

[As a side note, it's really great, as someone who's gone through life being acutely aware of all the supposed "fundamental parts of the human experience" that I have no connection to or experience of, to find out there's yet another thing I'm missing out on. All the more reason that I'm defective and broken.]

Why is this a problem, you ask?

Because people, quite understandably, don't want some schlub for a casual fling. The kinds of relationships I seek out (non-monogamous, non-serious, casual medium-term FWB relationships) are very hard to find for someone who isn't that attractive. It makes me feel like I'm somehow morally wrong for wanting what I want, that I don't have the right to want that type of relationship, and being sad that I find it so incredibly difficult to find is actually a moral and ethical failure on my part (and, as an added bonus, those feelings are also anti-feminist because they indicate feelings of entitlement towards relationships and, in addition, a feeling of being entitled to certain kinds of relationships).

But people are less willing to compromise regarding physical attractiveness in those types of relationships simply because those relationships have less... other stuff. A romantic relationship (what my inner monologue insists on calling a "real relationship" or a "full relationship" despite knowing intellectually that there's nothing more valid about one relationship style over another) includes more guarantees of non-physical aspects of the relationship like emotional support and financial stability. Less serious relationships don't generally include expectations of such things (although I also tend to form very deep friendships, so when I'm with someone even casually for more than a short while I'm more than happy to be supportive any way I can; this goes for platonic and sexual friendships), so more emphasis is put on physical attributes. Basically, you don't need a soft, sensitive, emotionally supportive guy just to bang, all you want is someone who's physically attractive. And that's perfectly understandable, far be it from me to judge that way of thinking; it's not my place to criticize someone's priorities in their romantic and sexual life.

But it makes it hard for someone like me, who is literally incapable of more "traditional" relationships where I would be more welcome, to find anyone who's interested. People don't want me for the kinds of relationships I'm capable of sustaining.

This leads me down dark paths, as always. I'm not good enough to deserve that kind of relationship. I'm not good enough to deserve anything. "What the hell is wrong with you, thinking about 'deserving'? You never 'deserve' any relationship, you misogynistic entitled asshole. Obviously you're just another douche who can't hook up so you cry about it and blame women for not getting what you 'deserve'. Sick fuck."

And of course, that leads to... worse places. My only goal in life is, and always has been, to be wanted and loved, and physicality is a huge part of that for me. It's my #1 love language, it's the most important aspect of any relationship to me. So if I'm not good enough... "Maybe it would be better if you were dead. After all, how many girls have you tried to talk to who would rather you never have even looked at them, you creepy fuck? You try so hard and it's just sad, everyone is embarrassed for you, everyone is cringing at you, everyone thinks you're a failure because that's what you are. You can't even get a single date, you pathetic waste of biomass. If I had a choice I'd hurl your corpse into space far away from the Earth's biosphere, that way none of the molecules from your worthless existence can be reused and potentially spread your uselessness. Go cry in a hole until you're dead, asshole."

So sitting here, 9 months into a year in which I haven't had a single date, no promising dating app matches, nobody who wants me, nothing, I'm thinking about giving up. Why not? What difference would it make? Clearly I wouldn't be missed.

I hate being me. I hate my body, I hate my brain, I hate being autistic and I hate being aromantic, I hate being poly and lonely at the same time, I hate trying and never succeeding, and I hate myself. Why bother?

#// depression #// suicide #// dating #// body image #long post // #vent // #love #failure #giving up #autism #aromantic #polyamory #attraction #broken #defective #pain #relationships

[anoverlyemotionalautist]

On Masculinity

Yech.

I am constantly told that men are garbage. I have come to accept this. I am garbage.

But also I do not live up to the standards of being a man properly. I'm short, I'm fat, I'm soft, I'm emotional, I'm not particularly confident, I'm definitely not smooth, my dick is <7" (which, for some reason, is where my brain draws the line between "acceptable" and "nobody will ever want you, it's all pity sex at best". So thanks for that, society), I'm not strong, my facial hair is all wrong. Basically I'm bad at being a man. I can't even be garbage properly.

I'm not anybody's type physically, and I'm way too annoying and emotional to be what anyone wants as a person. I would sell my soul to look like a Hemsworth or Chris Evans or literally any of them. But I'm stuck with 5'8" and fat instead, and there isn't exactly an abundance of sympathy out there for guys like me. It's a world of "if you want women to want you, work harder and be muscular and handsome and, I dunno, grow 6 inches I guess? I'm sure if you're hot enough shirtless people can ignore that you've only got 6 inches between your legs". That's literally what I hear all the time and I get this feeling that if I ever told this to a woman she'd say "well sucks to be you, some people just aren't good enough to deserve love and attention, oh well" because I know that there's nobody in the world who would actively seek me out like they would a real man who isn't useless. I want sympathy but I know I don't deserve it because, well, men don't deserve sympathy. Men are garbage. I'm garbage.

And then it hits me. The world would be better off if I were dead, simply because there would be one less white guy in it. One less entitled prick who thinks he's worth something. One less nerdy, fat guy who grew up thinking that one day somebody would love me in spite of everything that makes me different from the ideal model of a man.

Because nobody will. It's that simple, nobody ever will. And nobody should. It's selfish and cruel to ever subject someone else to my presence and the fact that I'm alive at all is a crime against everyone I allegedly care about. I don't have the right to expect to be loved because that's selfish and wrong.

I hate being me. I know that I'm not worth anyone's time, least of all a woman's, but that doesn't stop me from wanting to be loved anyway. So all I can do is hate myself for being so selfish and thoughtless as to try to date and love and do all these human things as if I'm even a human at all, and not some subhuman disgusting abomination that should have been aborted or killed at birth.

And I know I don't have the right to ask for help because I don't deserve help either. Firstly, because expecting someone to help me is asking them to act against their own interests because clearly they, and everyone else, would be better off if I were dead. Secondly, because I am supposed to be a man and therefore I should be able to handle it on my own. Thirdly, because it's nobody else's job to save me from myself.

I wish I were dead.

#// suicide #// depression #masculinity #broken #// death #// body image #body image #male body image #attraction #love #relationships #pain #please help me #i don't deserve it but I need it #men #men are garbage #men are trash #fragile masculinity

[anoverlyemotionalautist]

Hey fun fact

Every single woman on Earth is infinitely more valuable than I am and I can never be worth any of their time.

This isn't a joke, that's one of my most fundamental beliefs. I, as the person I am, am completely unworthy of any woman's time, effort, or energy because I'm a person with no value or benefit to my existence. I know this in the same way that I know I have 5 toes on each foot, it's not so much a "belief" as a "fact of which I am aware".

[anoverlyemotionalautist]

Tonight's mood

The intense desire for a pretty girl to tell me I'm sexy.

Like, not even in an "I wanna fuck you right now" kind of way. Just in general.

4 AM does bad things to my brain.

[anoverlyemotionalautist]

So tonight's mood is "clearly you're evil and malicious and manipulating everyone into liking you".

Fun fact: I am experiencing impostor syndrome regarding my own emotions.

"You're not really depressed, you're just pretending for attention. You're just acting like a 'soft', 'sensitive' sadboy to get women to like and trust you. It's a pathetic act."

So apparently my incurable loneliness (seriously, I have friends and lovers but nothing makes me feel less alone?) is not only my own fault, but is actually a manipulative facade worn to lure in unsuspecting women because I'm inherently evil.