sickandinlove04

[sickandinlove04]

Relating to this

I have never dated in my 27 years of life. I am very picky and awkward and boys have never shown much obvious interest in me until I started dating apps (which I only like for the compliments at this point lol, what are you gonna do). In the past it has made me feel really bad, now I am kind of grateful because I know more than I did back in college and high school. I used to think God was protecting me because of my mental health and/or my physical health. Now I also know that because of the pandemic and my personal situation that a relationship would not have worked. I always thought I’d be married and have kids by this age, but I know now that it wouldn’t have worked out well if I had all that.

My main point of this rant is that I have always been very insecure about never having dated, but I am also terrified because of physical touch. What if he gets too close and sees what I fear I am? What if he doesn’t like my touch? What if he finds me repulsive once he gets close? What if I am bad at kissing? It sounds silly maybe but it’s a real fear. The idea of dating is so scary, but luckily it is very unlikely I will date anytime soon. Especially since I only have any interest in the BTS members haha. Anyways…

One thing that has helped shockingly is working with kids. They are always brutally honest. Not always because they’re trying to be mean, usually they’re just observing things. But they have also shown me love and that I can be loved. They always want hugs and to be close to me, even when I’m sweaty and feel extra gross. They like to play with my hair and make me drawings. I can always rely on them to hype me up or humble me real fast. I was proposed to once as well lol. They say I smell good which makes me feel better too. But I can also just be myself and be weird with them and they don’t blink. And I always try to give that love back and show them respect. Just because they’re kids doesn’t mean they don’t deserve respect. I could rant about that as well but I won’t for now. But yeah, my work kids have helped me learn to love myself.

Ok just want to write out my thoughts and if anyone relates or understands that is great. I was talking to my psychiatrist one day about how I sometimes feel the need to do certain things specifically with my face sometimes (scrunch my nose, stretch my face muscles, make a whistling noise between my teeth). It goes through phases and is worse when my anxiety is worse. She mentioned something about OCD. I have thought about it briefly since I pick at my nails so much and it feels more compulsive and obsessive like dermatillomania (which is as originally only listed under OCD because of the obsessive and compulsive traits it has, now it’s also a body focused repetitive behavior if I remember correctly). Other than that though I never gave it much thought. So I wandered on to the internet to learn more because it piqued my interest. I know OCD is more than organizing and cleaning but I wanted to learn more specifics, not to self diagnose but to try and understand how my brain could be working. I found something called mental contamination which was really interesting. It is basically you feel dirty even though you haven’t actually touched or done anything that would make you dirty. The thing I saw talked about feeling dirty because of someone else’s touch. It made me think about a few things. Mainly it made me think about how much I dislike being close to people and being touched. Some people I feel uncomfortable because it makes me feel dirty from being close to them (I don’t actually think they’re gross or dirty it’s like an intrusive thought, like what are you doing here thought go away). Most people though I feel like if they get too close they’re going to see me how I saw myself when I was younger, and sometimes still do; a disgusting monster that is unlovable. I’m afraid that when they get close they will think I’m gross and disgusting. A boy once told me in high school that I smelled bad. Thinking back it was a summer football practice (I was a manager) so he was probably smelling himself or the fifty other sweating dudes around. On top of the self hatred and anxiety that followed that, I have hyperhidrosis. So I physically felt disgusting from that and my health problems that make me nauseous. I spent many years feeling nauseous to the point where I was in the bathroom crying and missed many classes. Feeling nauseous just feels icky and it translated into me feeling like I am disgusting; like that icky feeling inside is showing outside.

I don’t know what the point of this post is except to ramble my thoughts “out loud”. Probably should find a new therapist but I’m doing okay mostly lol.

#love yourself #speak your truth #bts #bts army #bangtan sonyeondan #tannies #dating #relationship #anxiety #tw ocd #chronic illness #mental health

[sickandinlove04]

Ok just want to write out my thoughts and if anyone relates or understands that is great. I was talking to my psychiatrist one day about how I sometimes feel the need to do certain things specifically with my face sometimes (scrunch my nose, stretch my face muscles, make a whistling noise between my teeth). It goes through phases and is worse when my anxiety is worse. She mentioned something about OCD. I have thought about it briefly since I pick at my nails so much and it feels more compulsive and obsessive like dermatillomania (which is as originally only listed under OCD because of the obsessive and compulsive traits it has, now it’s also a body focused repetitive behavior if I remember correctly). Other than that though I never gave it much thought. So I wandered on to the internet to learn more because it piqued my interest. I know OCD is more than organizing and cleaning but I wanted to learn more specifics, not to self diagnose but to try and understand how my brain could be working. I found something called mental contamination which was really interesting. It is basically you feel dirty even though you haven’t actually touched or done anything that would make you dirty. The thing I saw talked about feeling dirty because of someone else’s touch. It made me think about a few things. Mainly it made me think about how much I dislike being close to people and being touched. Some people I feel uncomfortable because it makes me feel dirty from being close to them (I don’t actually think they’re gross or dirty it’s like an intrusive thought, like what are you doing here thought go away). Most people though I feel like if they get too close they’re going to see me how I saw myself when I was younger, and sometimes still do; a disgusting monster that is unlovable. I’m afraid that when they get close they will think I’m gross and disgusting. A boy once told me in high school that I smelled bad. Thinking back it was a summer football practice (I was a manager) so he was probably smelling himself or the fifty other sweating dudes around. On top of the self hatred and anxiety that followed that, I have hyperhidrosis. So I physically felt disgusting from that and my health problems that make me nauseous. I spent many years feeling nauseous to the point where I was in the bathroom crying and missed many classes. Feeling nauseous just feels icky and it translated into me feeling like I am disgusting; like that icky feeling inside is showing outside.

I don’t know what the point of this post is except to ramble my thoughts “out loud”. Probably should find a new therapist but I’m doing okay mostly lol.

#tw ocd #obsessive compulsive disorder #actually ocd #depression #anxiety #thinking #mental illness #mental health #mentally unstable #therapy #unlovable #tw vent #tw depressing thoughts #ramblings #dermatillomania #psychology #psychiatry

[sickandinlove04]

It also reminds me of how I wore my hair down everyday my freshman year of high school so I could hide my face easily. I still feel the urge to hide my face over 10 years later when I feel like someone is looking at me.

A show made me cry because someone said “you don’t have to hide your face from me” and I didn’t realize how much I could use someone saying that to me

#sad text #sadgirl #mental health #mental illness #depression #anxiety #loneliness #lonely

[sickandinlove04]

A show made me cry because someone said “you don’t have to hide your face from me” and I didn’t realize how much I could use someone saying that to me

#i'm sad #cute #depression #anxiety #comfort #loneliness #lonely

[sickandinlove04]

Today I was told I have beautiful kidneys and I was so happy and proud of my kidneys and it is my favorite compliment I have received atm.

#chronically sick #chronically ill #chronic illness #kidneyhealth #pelvichealth #pelvic pain #ultrasound #ultrasoundscan #compliment #have a nice day #happiness #beautiful

[sickandinlove04]

My hedgehog’s name is Mochi after baby Mochi himself (Jimin)

#bts jungkook #bts jimin #jimin and jungkook #jimin #park jimin #jungkook #jeon jungkook #baby mochi #hedgehogs #bts #bangtan sonyeondan

[sickandinlove04]

I just really want to shut down right now. But I know that if I do, it will be so hard to dig myself out of that.

#depression #sad text #i'm sad #sadgirl #anxiety #chronic illness #mental health #mental illness #quiet bpd #sorry for being depressing #grieving

[sickandinlove04]

Watching BTS to try and avoid a complete emotional breakdown

#bts #anxiety #depression #sad text #i'm sad #bts army #emotional #emotional breakdown #mental illness #mental health

[sickandinlove04]

I don’t think I could handle working full time bc of my health problems, but I’m not disabled enough to get any help for it. So basically I’m screwed.

#disabled problems #chronically sick #chronic illness #chronically ill #disability #angry rant #sorry for being depressing #depression

[sickandinlove04]

A kid told me my hair looked like ramen and it’s my new favorite compliment that wasn’t meant to be a compliment

#compliment #kids #kids are weird #kids are funny #ramen #curly hair

[sickandinlove04]

I really just want to be alone but the only time I am really alone is driving to and from work

#depression #sad text #anxiety #i'm sad #sadgirl

[sickandinlove04]

You don’t even know me but I miss you

#depression #sad text #i'm sad #sadgirl #depressing post #sorry for being depressing #lonely #unrequited love #unrequited crush

[sickandinlove04]

I hate how I am uncomfortable in literally any social situation. Why must I be awkward?

#anxiety #depression #awkward #sad text #sadgirl #i'm sad #sad thoughts

[sickandinlove04]

If anyone has any go to daydream scenarios please share them. I like fluffy and sometimes angsty daydreams. I also sometimes like darker stuff dealing with mental health, like dealing with trauma and depression and anxiety.

#maladaptive daydreaming #i cant stop daydreaming #daydreams #excessive daydreaming #fluff #angst #mental health #mental illness #depression #anxiety

[sickandinlove04]

I think I’m splitting. Boo

#bpd fp #bpd favorite person #living with bpd #quiet bpd #bpd #borderline personality disorder awareness #borderline personality disorder #borderline personality problems #anxiety #depression

[sickandinlove04]

I really wonder if I have repressed memories. I have a bad memory in general so it could just be that, but I don’t remember much of my childhood. I have random moments that I remember but I don’t know what is normal to remember in terms of how much. My psychiatrist said my symptoms sound like PTSD but the only traumatic thing I can recall is medical trauma. Medical trauma is very real and can cause PTSD and I do think it could be from that but it also feels like something is missing, there’s just a lot of things that make me wonder.

#repressed #repressed memories #ptsd #ptsdawareness #sorry for being depressing #depression #depressed #anxiety #bpd stuff #bpd #borderline personality disorder awareness #borderline personality disorder

[sickandinlove04]

By law, it should be

REQUIRED to have wheelchair ramps at every door

REQUIRED to have elevators in every building

REQUIRED to have braille on every sign

REQUIRED to have auditory options for every text

REQUIRED for children to learn d/Deaf standard sign language in school

REQUIRED that everyone learn how to do CPR and how to detect a stroke

REQUIRED that areas with strobe/flashing lights have proper warnings

Stop calling it disability "friendly" or "accessible". Start calling it the fucking standard.