I wonder if somewhere deep down,
Cain had always known
That he was destined to kill his brother.
Could he feel it in the eyes of his father and mother?
Could he feel he was destined to continue the path of firsts?
I wonder how much it hurt,
to be set aside.
To be the one forced to survive.
I wonder if he accepted it,
And knew we couldn't all be destined for bright things.
Did he know that he would be seen
Forever as a problem child?
That others would follow
and be the child who was just a little too wild?
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Oh Second Child
Tw: religious trauma, child abuse, guilt tripping to the max
I caught my mom's glances up at a woman in the religious texts isle in the Barnes and Noble over the book I was skimming to see if it was worth purchasing. I closed it, The Change; it seemed interesting, but it could wait. My mom didn't stare very often, and I'd always been taught it was rude.
"Whatcha looking at?" I leaned in and whispered.
Her deep brown eyes darted back at me. "There's a book over there she's looking at: Have a New Teenager by Friday. What's she gonna do? Buy a new one? Trade it up for a newer model?"
We both lowered our heads and stifled a snicker.
"God, I hate religious books. 'Hey, I've read the Bible and decided that I understand it better than the average person, and I'm gonna use that assumption to make money by selling my advice as if its God's Word.' It's like, if you have life advice, just say you have advice, don't claim it as something from God." I was rambling, sure, but religious stuff in general had made me uncomfortable since going to church in that messed up suburb where they wrapped up live chickens with Christmas wrapping paper while having disco balls and rainbow laser lights descend on the stage. I shivered--I could still hear them blasting The Chicken Dance over their speakers in my memories, and that was enough to creep me out all over again.
"I dunno," my mom shrugged, sipping her cold brew vanilla coffee as she continued staring shamelessly. "Some of them really helped me with your sister. She was a difficult child."
No, no. Not this again.
"She--she was just a kid." I could already feel something--either bile or tears, I couldn't tell--building up in the back of my throat. I choked them down with a swallow of my Dragon Drink.
"Yes, but she wasn't easy to raise! She had it rough, and now we kind of know why, but she was still hard to understand. Those books helped show me ways to deal with her. They were good things, too, like putting your her favorite teddy bear in time out when they were bad. Or explaining that you shouldn't spank your kids, you have to explain to them what was going on."
Then why did I remember being spanked so much more than I remember having issues explained to me? Why are the panicked images of me sliding underneath my bedframe to hide from my father when he came home so much stronger than any memories that might exist of you sitting next to me atop my mattress?
Why do I remember the bungie cord chains wrapped around the front of her door in reds and oranges and greens? Why can I still hear her screams from behind them? Why can I still feel the force shaking the second-story hardwood floors?
"Hmm-hum," was all I could force out with a nod without my emotions and thoughts leaking and spilling over. I'd gotten too used to being able to express more than just complacence and content-ness at University. Now, look at me, having ungrateful thoughts about how we could've been treated better.
She looks to me for proof that she did things right. She cannot look to my sister, and I seem so perfect don't I? Look at me, with my GPA only 0.09 points from a perfect 4.0. Look at how well I connect with others! Look at all the achievements I've met in writing, in singing, in school, in agriculture and in everything I set my mind to. Look at all the friends I've collected. Look at how well I turned out, surely that's all because of my mother, the one who was always there for me, the one who fed and clothed me, the one who I always wrote my 'Who's My Hero' essays on in school, right?
"You were always so laid-back and happy and never ever fussy, so completely unlike your sister. My little sunshine girl."
"You're my best friend. I'm your best friend, right? You're my favorite."
"Your father and I talked about it, and we decided that you can't have autism; you're too social."
"The doctors told me not to hold her too much; it would make her too dependent. Maybe I should've held her more. Maybe that would've fixed things? Do you think I held her enough?"
"It would've been different if it was you who said it happened, not your sister. I would've believed you."
"I always protected you, didn't I?"
I forced my gaze away from my mom and the woman in the religious texts section at the Barnes and Noble. I opened my book back, stiffly ending the conversation and pretending my interest could really be held by any novel at that point. It's all I could do to not to break down in the middle of the cafe in front of her. Because I know how that ends.
"You don't love me do you? You love your friends more than me. You don't even want to be here with me, do you?"
Am I crazy? Does she not remember it at all? Can she not recall the pain, the screams, the angel marble from the nurse, the little square room with the bubblegum pink walls and butterfly stickers in the basement of the jail?
In truth, I can't ever hold blame on her, can I? Because she was the one who fed me and clothed me, who quit her job when I was throwing up blood from yet another flu or tonsilitis or something to take care of me, who stole my dad's credit card to feed us when he wasn't.
I wonder still, though, does she really not remember the reason why we needed protection? Who brought the threat into our lives? Who let him stay?
How much do you remember?
You didn't break her arm, but I remember the bungie cords in your hands as you pulled them across the frame of her door, too. I remember the alarm you told dad to buy for the top of your bedroom door downstairs, to keep her from sneaking in at night to be held because she needed it of course she needed it. She was just a kid.
How long did you know, Mom?
Did you know when we met him and brought him pretzel bread from Trader Joes, and he drew us pictures of Oddie the dog from Garfield on post-it notes? Did you know when you were in high school? Did you know when she reached high school?
Or do you still not believe her?
I can never tell with you. I don't know what's real and what's a lie and what's a desperate attempt to hide the truth so we can have that perfect little lie you always imagined we would have. I can't blame you for wanting it. It was beautiful while it lasted. The closest we ever got to perfect, huh?
But, I can't ignore it anymore. I know we can never speak of it. I can't even write about it, and I write about everything. And, all of it made me who I am, for better for worse. I know we can never speak of it, yes, but it is always there, always in the front of my mind.
I always believed her. I will always believe her.
Why couldn't you?
In truth, you are the one who raised me, who gave me your all. But, don't take the credit for who I am. Half of it would be more blame than credit, anyway. I'm just as broken as she is, you know? I watched what you did to her in response to her vulnerability and learned from her experiences to hide it. At this point, I'm still struggling to figure who I am apart from those survival tactics that made me just such a blessed child.
So, do you really want to ask me if you got it all right?
No Christian parenting guide could even scratch the surface of our lives.
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