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nickywhoisi · 2 years

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Happy halloween gang!

Woo! Finally we are here! Since uploading my train gem art that makes my soul buzz with excite, I've been super eager to show all of you how serious I am about this project! I've practically been aggravated! I am so mad at myself for procrastinating on uploading! Wow! Now there's this really stupid issue with my laptop keyboard going on the fritz, and I've learned it's a hardware issue. I have to send it in for a while to get it fixed and I don't know how much it'll cost. Really afraid of what this may mean for my houseboat plans, which are even more important! O~O I am a little bit freaky-out-y again. But I'm not doing any o' that before giving you all what you were waiting for, and shouldn't have been made to wait so long for either. Here is a compilation of synopses and chapter ideas, called episodes, that tell you all you'll need to know about Thomas and friends in my fancy new au, and what goes on in the daily life of the crystal beings on Sodor. Now off I disappear again to play my vidyagames BECAUSE I GOT A NEW ONE NOW HA HA HA, GONNA LOSE MYSELF IN LUIGI'S MANSION 3 YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH

Alot of these are-unfinished-as-i-still-havent-found-the-perfect-gemstone-for-each-engine-yet-but-i-will!-also-dont-mind-the-weird-dash-spaces-there-is-still-the-nonsense-going-on-with-my-keyboard-and-its-way-too-tiring-to-edit-rn-and-the-whole-thing-is-just-one-big-first-draft-so-its-all-gonna-look-wonky-i-have-to-go-clean-ok

Thomas - Kyanite 5.1 with a sparkle, always trying to prove his capability and uniqueness, tackling more things than he can actually handle, easily gets impatient (his plot arch is very similar to Phos during the beginning, except he actually likes the scholar job and he's good at it)

Lady - Gold unknown mohs level because she's made of flexible liquid gold material, the leader of the gems as she can literally extend her reach to support all of them and that kind of ability is respected as fuck

Toby - Dravite 7 Elizabeth - dark red gem Edward - undecided gem?

Henry - Verdelite 7.5, but he gets fused with another Gordon - Blue Diamond 10, has all of his usual pride and has to learn how to be more humble around everyone, but unlike Bortz, he does prove as more mature about certain matters all on his own, a more collected gordon James - Red Zircon 9.5, has remnants of Painite(black and red) marbling body, but pure red zircon in legs after the accident, has a fancy design on outer legs to be a show off to everyone Bertie - bright red gem Percy - undecided gem?

Bill and Ben - orange yellow gems Harold - white gem Duck - Duftite Emerald 7.8 mohs Diesel - Hematite Rose 6.5 Donald and Douglas - Almondine 7.2 Daisy - Despujolsite Boco - Duftite Alpha Mavis - something black and yellow Scotsman - dark green gem Oliver - GreenDemantoid 6.8 mohs Toad - dark grey gem Bulgy - red and yellow gem Derreck - dark green and yellow gem Rusty - Andesine or Zincite, is one of the gems on the winter cleanup crew, tasked with managing weather damage and cleaning off snow and ice Duncan - yellow gem Stepney - mustardy yellow gem

Proteus - Pale Yellow Spodumene 6.7 Duke - Amber Chalcedony 7 Skarloey - Unheated red orange Sapphire "HeatSaph" 6.3 Rheneas - Unheated red orange Sapphire "RedSaph" 6.3 Bertram - Brown Onyx 6.5 Smudger - Dark Green Natural Chrysoprase 6.6 "Freddy" - Moonstone 6.3 Falcon - Lapis Lazuli Stewart - Malachite Ferguson - Labradorite

{Episode ?, part 1, Kyanite is a useful gem}

Kyanite felt cross today, watching everyone pass by. How glorious they all seemed, their colours, their cuts, their hardness levels...all of what they were seemed to be woefully lost on him. He was a little blue gem of a 5 mohs hardness, which meant for him that he was not a gem strong enough to go out into battle, or patrols, or do anything very special with all of his friends. He thought himself a pitiably average gemstone with no special qualities to make him stand out like the rest. Kyanite was cross, indeed. He looked upon his own kind with jealousy, wishing that he were only more like them. "Ohh, what a lamentable fate I have...! Being made a small five when I know I can do so much more! I am a great gem, I know this! Yet...whatever can I do to prove it?" he thought to himself. "Now what's all this I hear, Kyanite?" A proud voice called out to him. It was Red Zircon, one of the most splendid gemstones of the island. He was much stronger than Kyanite, and it was but one of the many things that he boasted about to anyone who would listen; Zircon was also a rare gem, even among the other rare gems. Kyanite turned to see Red Zircon, and was taken aback by how stunning he looked. But then, he always looked so stunning in the light; as a brilliant red gem with a unique mixture of black stone in his body - he didn't recall what kind it was - and a pure red pattern along his long, slender, perfect legs. Red Zircon was one of the best gems around for a number of reasons, and he bloody well knew it too. With a flip of his shimmering, feathered, red gemstone hair, he questioned Kyanite. "You? A great gem who can do so much more? Good to hear you're reaching for the stars above, but...that's going to be awfully hard to accomplish as such a small and pitiably frail little gem, now don't you think?" Red Zircon said to him with an equally playful and condescending tone, with an amused smirk to go with it.

Kyanite gave a stern look at him. He would not stand for such slander! He got up to meet him face to face...which was a bit of a challenge as Red Zircon was taller than him, on top of it. And Kyanite always felt so embarassed at looking an exemplary gemstone in the eyes; something about their glow was too blinding to him. This was something that personally ground Kyanite's gears as well; for a long time, he had always hoped that gems were capable of growing up to be tall and strong, as he did not like how small he was...but Pink Tourmaline had to tell him the bad news that he would be stuck at not only the strength and colour, but the height he was formed with for his whole life. Only their leader, Lady Gold, had the ability to change her height; though not often, it was but one of the incredible things she could do. Poor Kyanite found himself quite envious of these perfect gems, blessed with the things he could only long for, and so he used that spite to drive his message forward to Red Zircon. "Now l-listen here, Zircon! I didn't intend for you to be eavesdropping on me. And furthermore, you ought to be believing me instead of scoffing!" Zircon backed off a bit and said, "Oh ho ho! Oh, little Kyanite, there's no need for those sharp edges!" In our human vernacular, it would be like he was saying 'no need to show your fangs'. "I didn't mean to insult, you know that." Kyanite was thrown off momentarily at this shift. He was unsure, and still a bit miffed at him. "Oh no? You didn't...?" He replied, "Why, of course not. Wouldn't dream of it!" This left Kyan changing his mood a bit, wondering if maybe he was overreacting somehow? He brought his manners out instead. "Oh...um, well, okay..."

Red Zircon continued, "I've heard you go on and on for quite a while about your lamentable state, you know. All I was really doing was pointing out your - if you'll forgive me and I'm sure you will - glaringly obvious shortcomings, to remind you of what you're truly fighting against. That being...yourself." He finished his line with a dramatic, controlled, emphasizing pointing, right at Kyanite's round little nose. He got the hint right away, and was left to feel miffed all over again. "...O-oh. I see. And is that supposed to make me feel better over my situation, then?" He glumly questioned the taller gem, arms crossed. Zircon thought briefly and replied, "Um, I don't think so? I couldn't possibly imagine anyone who would be happy about their failings! Good grief, how bizarre would that be?" Kyanite's emotional state was worsening with each remark that came from Red Zircon, and he tried his best to hold back his snippiness...to a limited success. His arms were still crossed as he asked, "Well in that case...Zircon, don't suppose you could stop rubbing it in my face for a moment, and tell me if you know of any way I can overcome my...shortcomings, as you say?" Admittedly, Kyanite was embarrassed at himself for drawing blanks, plan-wise. As frustrated as he was, he genuinely did not know what to do, which is why he was seeking help in the first place. Zircon brought his finger to his cheek as he went into thinking of how to answer Kyanite. "Hmm...my my my, that's a tough question. I mean, where to begin? Perhaps at your cut? Your hardness along with that? Your drab colours? Your height? Your clothing style? Your attitude? Your overall mood? Your entire personality? Your--?" At hearing all of this...cruel opinion onslaught, Kyanite was very shocked and indignant. He did NOT like to get so raked in this way, and wanted no more of it! Quite desperately, he interrupted the other's comments. "Okay! Okay! Stop that, y-you...!!" Zircon secretly delighted in knowing how riled up he could make the smaller gem. Unfair, yet he thought it a fun game all the same, so he continued on. "Oh, my, yes...we'd have to have a complete overhaul of you. Each category is abysmally lacking, as you are now."

Kyanite absolutely hated this, as he looked at Red Zircon with such a struggled, strained and defeated expression. The poor little gem had had enough. What is this?! He wanted help, not to feel so personally attacked; and over everything he couldn't possibly know how to change! He wanted so badly to just snap his fingers, make Zircon go away, and make all of these problems get instantly fixed, like that. Now he went from royally pissed off to depressed, and definitely too insulted to even find the words to get back at the red gem. But that was finally, finally when Red Zircon noticed that perhaps he really was going too far, seeing little Kyanite almost ready to release tears. Red Zircon’s eyes went from lazy to widened, like that. He didn't actually want to do this to the other gem! He only thought it was a bit of cheeky banter and nothing serious...but the one he was chatting with reacted in a way that certainly indicated otherwise. Collecting himself from his self-induced shame, Red Zircon used his hand to gingerly bring Kyanite's face to see his, and very smoothly added, "...But, in the matters of cut and hardness, there may yet be hope for you. I know of a very simple solution to that!"

Kyanite lit up at that last sentence, seeing that Red Zircon was genuinely sorry for what he was doing and really was trying to be helpful. "...Ah! Yes?! What might that be?" "Oh ho ho ho! Why, silly little Kyanite, have you forgotten already? When you assisted me in getting back to the Shed after that nasty accident? I was fixed up with pure red zircon crystal so that I look better than ever before!" He made a little pose with his legs, for emphasis. “And I can move around at unmatchable speeds too! I can simply do it all now~!" But just before he went on a tangent about himself and all of his best qualities...Red Zircon caught himself and kept to the point. "And so that is the solution I see fit for you, Kyanite. Reconstructive surgery. You should figure out how to be rebuilt into a grander gem! Simple, isn't it~?"

Kyanite considered Red Zircon's idea, and slowly, it became very enticing indeed. "Why, yes...! Of course! Reconstructive surgery! Why didn't I think of that?!" Right in the midst of his pleasant imaginings, and the promise of his dream having a way to come true, Kyan had a sudden epiphany or two enter his mind that apparently put a new damper on the whole. He went from being greatly enthusiastic, to hesitant and doubtful. "...Aah, no, wait. You make it all sound so simple, yes, but...how do I go about this?" Red Zircon gave Kyanite an incredulous look. "Eh? What do you mean 'how do you go about this'?" Where was this coming from? Kyanite did his best to explain. "I mean, isn't there a whole process to it? Like...um...for instance, how do I find the right gemstone for me to be infused with? Hm? How do I achieve this when I am not sturdy enough to venture out on my own? And with all of those monsters out there..." "...Ah. Well...yes. That is true. You would need to find a..." Zircon was growing more wide-eyed as he was wrapped up in his own realization; Kyanite was right. "...Oh. And be durable already, now that I think on it. B-but surely that can still be done? There could be one out there just right for you, yes?"

Kyanite continued. "And, even if there is, even if I did manage it, what would I have to do then? Have myself shattered just to make [Mavis] and the others perform surgery on me?" "Well, I don't understand how you can focus so much on all the negatives, when I just gave you a solution to your problem! For goodness' sake! How can you not just be grateful?! And how can you not try it out and see, hm?!" "Zircon! Don't you think I've tried going on my own already?! It doesn't work! Or have you forgotten all of my repair trips?! Have you no care for how...hard this is for me?!" "Kyanite, I wasn't talking about...I-I haven't forgotten! Now didn't you want help, or not?!" "Mmm...! ...Well...yes, I did. But...you can think of these things because you're already protected by your hardness! You can already...do these things that I...can't." "...Oh. Wait, you mean...oh no. Oh no! Do you mean I'm making it worse by speaking so plainly?" Kyanite nodded, looking very glum indeed. Red Zircon realized that maybe he actually did forget how his plight affects the little one. Red Zircon didn't need to worry much as a 9.5 but had no perspective of what life as a brittle 5 is like. He just humbly said, "Oh, good grief...perhaps I didn't realize what this all means to you. I do sincerely apologize, Kyanite. I am not being as splendid as I should be, now am I?"

Kyanite thought that last remark Red Zircon gave was funny, in an endearing way. He smiled a little more at that, and showed the other that he was feeling a little better now. "Thank you. I'm sorry too. I just have a lot to consider as a five, is all. I don't want to have an...attitude. I just can't stand being so frail!" "Sakes. That does sound awful. ...In that case, I think what you need to do first is find someone who would take you to go find your gem part. I would simply love to go right now and help you, Kyanite, really! It would be lovely to repay you for your helping me back then, but I'm afraid it's almost noon! I will need to go patrolling soon with (Edward)! I just have no time to spare, you see." "Oh...really? Ugh, that's a shame. Who might I turn to, then?" "Not sure. Why not ask around? That's what I would do. My goodness, I am just full of good ideas today, aren't it~? I know~!" "Heh heh, yes, yes. Well thank you very much, anyway, Zircon! These are good ideas! And this could be it...! I'll get onto the search right away! See you!" "Good luck, little Kyanite! You'll need it out there~!"

#zomg my art!#tt #k #choo choo groop #tttei\#ttte #wri\#my writings #fanfic

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life-rewritten · 4 years

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SPOOKY SEASON! An ode to Mo Dao Zu Shi: one of the best BL story created!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!!! One last Halloween post and it's about one of my favourite pieces of media in the world of BL, romance, and supernatural stories. Roll your eyes because once again I'm talking about Mo Dao Zu Shi (The grandmaster of demonic cultivation) I mean already with the demons, and cultivation is already hinting why this is Halloween themed, and trust me MDZ has much more than that: from zombies to ghosts, to magical instruments and weapons, and we love our fantasy cultivation sects and clans. Anyhoo, I am here to write a fun post another verdict/review on each of the adaptations available so far for MDZ, yeh you heard me I've listened, read and watched all versions of this masterpiece, and I'm here to tell you to go and do the same for Halloween. Also in case, you haven't heard MTX (the author of MDZ) has another show on its way TODAY! And that's the magnificent, the excellent and incredible Heaven's Official Blessing after marathoning MDZ do that too.

As always with my verdicts: we have ratings: From 1 to 5 (1 being least excited to watch, 5 being most,) how excited am I to delve into these again?

Country: China Genre: Danmei, Supernatural, Action, Fantasy, Romance, Comedy, BL, Horror,

1.The Book

We begin with the one that started it all. The reason for my devotion and love for this world, for Wei Wuxian and Lan Wang Ji. My heart hasn't stopped loving this book experience. And at first, it wasn't easy to understand all the logic and terms needed to know for this world of cultivation and sects and clans, and magical skills. But once I got the hang of it (maybe after reading it three times I wonder how I had time to do this by the way), this is a book that I keep on returning to, crying to, and just breaking down into a mess too. This book is the most original source for the love story of Wangxian and to be honest its a masterpiece. Now onto the pros and cons, I guess about this adaptation.

Pro:

First, I would say that this is the most non censored version of MDZ, meaning China couldn't mute the romance or delete scenes because it's the original written story. The romance between Wangxian stands out and makes your heart go through a lot of emotions, from frustration at Wei Wuxian not realising how he feels for Wang Ji, to pain because of Wang Ji's perceived unrequited feelings for so long, to happiness when they're just together, to confusion at some drunk scenes and then to all-out shock as the story reveals its self to the villains, the background of Weiying's death and more.

The introduction to all these characters, all of them have a role in the story, all of them are important to keep an eye on, and they all grow and develop throughout the story as we find out more about their circumstances and their own perspective on Wei Wuxian.

Cons but not actual cons

The book is longggggg. The first time I read it I wondered when we would finally get a resolution or hint that Wei Wuxian finally understands what he's been feeling for sooo long, but it took forever and to be honest even though this is a con to me, it also is a positive for those who love slowwwww burns, and slow reveal to the background and development of Wangxians feelings for each other. There are many missions although essential to the world-building and the actual plot/mystery that at first seem so useless and not needed, but they are there for a purpose, and they do help us find out more clues about what's been going on and why Wei Wuxian was brought back from the dead.

The book is the most non censored version of MDZ, and so there are many questionable moments/questions about Non-consent that occur during moments when Wangxian are drunk. Honestly, these scenes are so weird to me, because they hold so much truth and revelations to Wangji's feelings for Weiying. After all, he's drunk and the most authentic version of himself. There are so many moments (like stealing chickens or showing him the bunnies) that make you just want to cry at his love Weiying and the pain he had to endure when he thought he was never coming back. Still, at the same time, there are many moments where you're like oh wow that escalated, and you feel just a tad discomfort at the idea of the non-con. But like I said these scenes are required for these two to really like give into what they've both been trying to push away or ignore, and it's nice to see how Weiying reacts to his feelings becoming uncontrollable and more prominent.

There are some moments in the book where things seem vague or unexplained (which the other sources did their own thing with), some characters who are mentioned but not really given enough detail, some plot details where it's not fully understood. However, I do think that because the book is already so long, the most critical information needed was there and the reveal of the mysteries were all done well. I think though that it's better to see how it materialises visually hence the other media adaptations.

Ratings: 4/5 -It's not easy to pick up the book and read, but I have so much fun returning to it and laughing along with Wei Wuxian's thoughts and ideas about Wang Ji.

2.The Manhua

I was so shook when I found out MDZ has a manhua. Mostly because China wouldn't really make it easy for the book adaptation to be honestly portrayed visually. But the manga shocked me, it is censored, but the writers and the artists are all so obsessed with this book and this couple that despite having to remove or edit some scenes, they draw some additional scenes and post it online so that international fans can still get to see these moments visually. That is incredible, and I'm so grateful that we have a team of people who respect and love the piece as much as the fans do.

Pros:

With any graphic novel/manga the art of MDZ is fantastic to see, the characters are brought to life with colour and also the inclusion of chibi drawings to make a moment incredibly cute or funny. Weiying is very naughty, so a chibi drawing of him makes us see him like how he's acting a child. I enjoy the manhua of MDZ so much, and I love how they drew each of the characters and the world.

Cons but not really cons:

I think, however, there are better visual sources for MDZ available that is more detailed in terms of characters and includes more information about the world-building. The plot also has to be condensed as well because you can't draw everything from the book. The manhua is also still in the works so, its a very slow upload and it will take years for it to be completed. But this is understandable, and I can't wait to read the full completed copy. If you hate reading and can't stand words, I think the manhua version is for you!

Ratings: 3.5/5 -It’s the waiting that lowered the ratings for me and the fact that I prefer other sources but I’m so grateful for the manhua.

3.The Show

The one that brought international fans like swarms to this story. Untamed shocked all of us in the BL community as the first time we heard about it, sure it was nice to see that Yibo was cast as Wang Ji, but even then his acting wasn't that profound or praised so we didn't care, and Zhan also seemed like an interesting choice for out Weiying. I think there were an outrage and confusion when we heard this was going to be censored and a bromance. It felt like it made no sense because there's no way really to edit the relationship and love of Wangxian, so people went into the show resentful and worried. But after 20 episodes, the anger, worry and upset were erased. Untamed is a masterpiece, and it blows my mind how censored it is but still not really censored? It deletes the questionable moments in the book but adds the essential parts even where we get to see Wang Ji's feelings (Though obviously not mentioned as feelings but respect). We get to watch Weiying realise how much he cherishes whatever he has with Wang Ji and how much he misunderstood the latter, and how much Wang Ji cared for him. The show as Netflix says is not about just friends. Still, it emphasises the connection between these two using subtext clues and symbolisms, and visual metaphors to make sure the audience knows that these two are soulmates and are meant for each other. Here are the other pros and cons of the show:

Pros:

The acting is incredible, like so good and I can't think of two people who were more suited for Wangxian, Yibo shocked me as Wang Ji because although I knew him (because of Kpop), I didn't really think he would pull of stoic but still vulnerable Wang Ji. He was good at showing the emotions of love and longing that has been connected with Wang Ji. Zhan was an excellent Wuxian, he made me smile, he made laugh, he made me so happy because of his mischievous aura, but he also played serious and emotional and resentful Wuxian well as well. I keep crying every time I see the death scene in the show because it's just so done well.The directors and producers who didn't care about hiding the relationship between these two, they still wanted to be respectful to the writer and the source, and they still wanted to show as much as possible that these two loved each other. For that, I'm so grateful and they did a brilliant job with what they could. The character arcs and development and depth; Its the way they took the other characters from the book and fleshed them out giving each of them more depth, more understanding, more dimensionality and more story connecting to our plot, and it broke my heart how much I loved everyone in this show. The actors all performed so well, and some gave me goosebumps at how well they portrayed their characters (Xue Yang!!) like stunning and just a great cast.The storyline was also written in an innovative way, the flashbacks were first shown to the audience, how Wangxian became Wangxian and so the audience felt every single hurt and pain that Wang Ji was feeling. We understood why he acted the way he did. The flashbacks also provided plot structure to the mystery and the actual plot of the show, it left clues, and we watched the villains become villains (secretly), we saw how some characters grew. Each of the arcs in the book was told in a way that it flowed together and made sense. Due to this way of structuring the plot the show became so much more profound in the way it messed with our emotions, every death mattered, and every character had their own story and importance to the audience.

Cons:

The censorship. I've praised how they overcame it, but it's still there, the ending of the show was done this way because of censorship and to be honest I still think everyone should read the book because there are moments where the romance of Wangxian is fun and memorable to see (the confession scene whilst it was done okay in the show because of censorship it doesn't hold as much oomph as it did in the book. Mainly because the events that happened before it was already so filled with angst and drama and the results of the confession Wangxian clinging onto each other despite being in danger is a must-see, the censorship is annoying because it shouldn't be there, it's something that whilst it did help with some stuff, it still feels like an insult to the piece, and it still doesn't sit well with me that China censors their BL. So its a con.

Ratings 5/5 I think I could spend so much time breaking down why Untamed is a masterpiece BL show, but all I can say is despite 50 episodes (longgg) it is worth the time and effort and if you watch BL, go see it.

4.The Audio

The audio for the MDZ is like my favourite thing in the world. I love Chinese audiobook dramas; it's an incredible experience to listen to. With MDZ, this is what the show would be if it wasn't censored. The actors for the audio drama are amazing, and I love them so much. The audio drama is three seasons with some extra scenes and it's incredible if you don't want to read the book, then just watch and listen to the audio drama because its the same story but its brought to life by the acting and storytelling. Also though there are some scenes removed, I think the audio drama is the next uncensored gem of MDZ that shows Wangxian's romance the best way possible. I squeal, and I laugh, and again I cry at every single moment; their first kiss, the inn scene, the confession (i spend time pausing it just to cry at how good it is) and more. I just love it, and I prefer it to reading the book. Other pros and cons:

Pros:

The story is structured and told properly, follows all the arcs and events in the book and brings them life by voice acting, and the music is incredible. It's nice to listen to and hear Weiying's thoughts and to also listen to an audible version of the book. The audio drama has all the pros from the book as well.

Cons:

Nothing much to say about the cons. It is not easy to attain the audio drama in English subs, its hard to download and store it, but once you overcome that it's great. I think the audio drama is the most difficult to obtain.

Ratings: My favourite adaptation 5/5

5.The Donghua

Lastly, we have the Donghua or the anime version of MDZ. What can I say about this, its brilliant, masterpiece, it's gorgeous. If you think the art for the manhua is good, the donghua takes it to a different level. The visuals are stunning, the animation is breath-taking, and the story is again following Untamed ways of censoring the story but making sure it doesn't remove the romantic connotations and symbolism to Wangxian. The donghua also follows Untameds way of starting with flashbacks to explain what happened to Weiying before it started. I have nothing else to say about how great this is. It's the same thing I've been saying about all these adaptations. The donghua though is the best visual masterpiece for MDZ, in my opinion.

Pros;

Packed full with symbolism and clues to the plot, it's detailed so well for the storyline and its an excellent way to tell this story. The music and ost for the donghua are also beautiful and gets me emotional each time I hear it.

Cons:

Censorship. That's it, that's what it always is. For me, I think the donghua is the most censored version of MDZ? Or maybe I just feel that way despite the subtext clues; I do feel irritated at the censorship in the donghua. Let's pray Heaven's official blessing overcomes that.

Ratings: 3.8/5 - I love it so much because of the visuals but apart from that I prefer other sources for MDZ. Still the best donghua that exists.

So here you have in an in-depth and messy conversation about one of my favourite media pieces to existing right now in BL. I think I will never stop singing praises at MXT for creating this story and I think there's nothing else I rather do than just spend times when I need a distraction watching, listening or reading this story again and again. What about you all. What do you feel about MDZ? What pros and cons do you have for each adaptation? Which is your favourite. And have you been able to get any rest when we know that Heaven's official blessing is out TODAY!! Let me know your thoughts. Happy Halloween, Enjoy it.

#mo dao zu shi #the untamed #mdzs #wrpup #FVete #october #halloween #wei ying #wei wuxain #lan wangji #mdzs donghua #wwx #lwj #chen qing ling #cql #bl series #danmei

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2idiots · 4 years

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Keep Yourself Alive

pt. 6 // pt. 7 // pt. 8a

word count: 1,667ish

NCT Frat Social Media AU // College Athlete & Fratboy Lucas x reader

warnings: not really any, kind angsty, more than just mentions of chronic pain

(I don't know how but the second paragraph got deleted when I first uploaded. I have since added it in. So if you see something new that's why)

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Getting Johnny from outside the building to inside your room was a lot more difficult than you expected. This was partially because your best friend was much drunker than his texts suggested and partially because each step was sending a pain reverberating down your legs and up your abdomen. A pain that you knew the mild over-the-counter pain meds would do little to numb but you had taken them with false hope anyway. Before your best friend had forced you into letting his drunkass in you were curled into your bed with a heating pad pressed into your abdomen, hoping eventually exhaustion would win over excruciating pain.

This was the real reason you bolted out of Jet Lag the minute your friends were off in different directions distracted. The pain had triggered before Mark's open mic night started but you were not about to miss the night you friend had been talking about for weeks. This was so important to him and you had to be there. So you sucked it up and promised yourself to duck out the moment it was clear and Mark had performed. Woo noticing and staying over for a few hours was just a welcomed surprise. And the leftover baked goods he brought were another plus side, not that you had any appetite. At least your blubbering fool of a friend would benefit from the pile of pastries sitting on your desk, if you could make it past the giggling desk attendant.

The first time you walked passed her with bleary eyes, focused on only the task ahead she called out something about the “cute Oppa” at the door. Immediately a gag raced up your throat at that, Johnny? A cute Oppa? Gross. He was like your brother, actually more like your overprotective mother. Sure you joked about Johnny being a daddy, but it was all shits and giggles to make him mad with Mark. He wasn't actually one. The second time she made some sort of pass at him that you blocked out and stifled another gag. You didn’t need to see or hear that child making passes at your best friend.

That wasn’t the only thing she was giggling at though. You and Johnny were quite the sight. He was a stumbling, stuttering fool and you were wearing pajamas that had been picked out in the dark, not even your shoes matched. These were things you had thrown on when Johnny begged you to let him in but your headache was pounding too much to turn the lights on, which was also the reason for the sunglasses.

Speaking of Big Foot, he was using you almost completely as a support and he weighed a lot more than his bony ass looked. How he managed to make it to your building from 7th Sense was beyond you, he could barely make it three steps without giggling and sliding around. Honestly this made you more than a little nervous for Mark, usually he was the giggly one after a few drinks. If Johnny was this drunk, then Mark could very well be dead.

Overall the hardest obstacle for Johnny to maneuver around was your actual room. He tripped over everything. Maybe it was his long spindly legs combined with the alcohol, but he even fell just trying to walk over your rug. You had to catch him before he face planted. Of course he just contiuned blabbering about the night and how well it went the whole time, even while laughing at his clumsiness. “Then Mark fell! Kinda like how he is falling for sunflower boy but like fell… on the actual ground… like how I just almost fell!” To which you just nodded, handing him a pastry and an ice cold water bottle. “And Jae was so funny, he was talking about the basketball team and one of their parties last week where someone drank beer from a ball that had been cut in half. Isn’t that gross?”

“Yeah babe, real gross,” You nodded, trying to push him toward your bed. You might not have been asleep before he messaged but you were still in bed ready to sleep and you wanted to be back there. “Can you get in bed, Jojo? I'll tired.”

Following your direction like a lost lamb, Johnny swiftly removed all his out layers and climbed into your bed continuing to talk about the basketball team and how pretty and funny they were, all the while giving you very pointed looks. Or at least he was prattling on until he went completely silent and tense before screeching, “THERE’S SOMETHING WARM!”

Arms crossed and irritation pulsed through you at the scream, you leaned over to pull the heating pad out from under him and wiggled it around in your outstretched hand, “Johnny you’ve met HP before, HP meet Big Foot.”

“HP? You named your heating pad?” He questioned already snuggling back into your sheets like he owned the bed. This happened every time he was over, sober or drunk it didn’t matter; Johnny took up every blanket and pillow in your entire bed: partially because his size, mostly because he was an asshole. One of the many reasons you were hesitant to let him stay over anymore, even though you always ended up letting him stay.

“Might as well, he’s in my bed so often,” You grinned before grabbing another water bottle out of the mini fridge in the corner of the room and tossing it his direction. While this wasn’t a common occurrence, drunk Johnny, you did know that he would wake up in three hours whining about a dry mouth and you didn't want to deal with it.

“I mean he wasn’t on Halloween.” Luckily you flipped the lights off before you could see his suggestive eyebrow wiggle. Here was the worst part, talkative drunk Johnny taking an interest in your life and trying to lay down his tips on life.

Grabbing an extra blanket for yourself you slid in next to him and laughed that thought off, “Actually HP was, ALSO I thought we agreed to not talk about Halloween, leave the past behind us and all.”

“Behind us? Is that how you like it y/n?” He let out a slight whimper when you turned over enough to give him a solid kick to the shin. This alcohol was giving him far more confidence than normal and you didn’t like it. Throwing his hands up, Johnny tossed out a worthless apology and whined, “I deserved that ok. But you know I wouldn’t call it the past, don’t you tutor the dude?”

That elicited a quiet response from you, a simple, “Yeah.”

“Isn’t it like two or three times a week?” He didn’t stop his incessant babbling long enough for you to answer, adding on, “You’re quite popular, my friends keep asking about you too.” Then a switch suddenly flipped in Johnny’s mind, evident by how he practically climbed over you to switch the lamp back on and give you his best mom glare, “Wait, you’re sleeping with HP?” You let out a few weak protests as the light flooded your room and his bony ass arm squished you down into the bed digging into your side. Drunk friends sucked. Too bad you loved them too much to leave them on the street. “So you’re in pain? You’re in pain and you didn’t say anything? You just went home alone and lied to Mark and me?”

“Johnny I always sleep with a heating pad and I’m always in pain. It's not a big deal.” Tonight just happened to be bad, still was, but you left that part out. “Also Jungwoo just left; I wasn’t alone.” That was accompanied by a successful effort to push him off so you could flip the light off again and snuggle into the heating pad again. “Now go to sleep, I'm tired.”

There was a brief moment of silence before you heard sniffling and an occadsional shuffle.

“Are you crying?” You asked incredulously, flipping over to see him hastily wiping away his tears in the ambient light filtering in through the window. Sure enough, your bitch-ass best friend was laying on the other side of the bed using his white undershirt to wipe his tears away. At least he was smart enough not to use your sheets as the tissue. “Stop crying.” This was new. Your friends probably knew way too much about how hard your days were getting, in fact Johnny had driven you to the ER one too many times over the past year and a half, but they had never cried in front of you. At least not about you.

You hated it.

His immediate response was denial, no he wasn’t crying. These weren’t tears, they were allergies. "Leaks in my face." But you still heard him mutter a muted “I just want you to be happy and not in pain” as the alcohol running through his system finally knocked him out.

You were struck silent, not sure how to respond. Sure he was your closest friend and that meant he had to like you, but this affection made breathing a little hard: your chest not quite expanding like it should. You felt a warm tear roll down your cheek as you turned to face the other side of the room, an effort to get away. This was exactly why you didn't tell them about tonight, you didn't want them burdened with your pain. They should have to suffer just because you were.

Ignoring the ache in your chest, you blindly reached out for where you set your phone on the bedside table. You still may not be able to sleep but you could get some reading done and maybe forget the sound of Johnny's tears. And maybe, just maybe, the words would lull you into some dreamlike state so you could rest. It was only a few minutes into reading that a text interrupted the chapter.

summary: College is hard enough, right? Coursework, two jobs, a social life, and the state of your mental health. As if that was enough now the school’s no.1 athlete won’t leave you alone after a one night stand. And maybe you like him back but you have a tendency to run when life gets too difficult especially now that undiagnosed chronic pain just seems to be getting worse with each passing month.

(I've decided updates will be Thursday at 6pm. I hope you enjoy this chapter)

Taglist: @princeofshenzhenuwus

#nct imagines #nct social media au #nct xuxi #lucas nct #lucas nct imagines #wayv yukhei #wayv imagines #wayv social media au #wayv x reader #wong yukhei #yukhei imagines #yukhei x reader

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myrmidryad · 4 years

Note

In my opinion, Shadow Work is not only one of the best Roswell NM fanfics, it’s one of the best sci-fi/fantasy types of stories I’ve ever read. The scope of it, the imagery, the pacing, the world-building, the intimacy, the many different themes... it’s incredible. How, how, how did you write this??? Like, did you map it out? Did you use a laptop or other device to write on? What was the editing process like, etc.? Like, no detail is too small, ha. In case you can’t tell, I LOVE THIS STORY!

Ngl, I think it helped that it was the only thing I worked on for three solid months, and it’s all set over a very short space of time, so it was fairly easy to keep everything that happens in it clear in my head. If I’m writing something long like that, it’s easy to lose track of stuff. Also there was a big reshuffle going on at work, so it was easy to get away with writing at work because no one cared what anyone else was doing. Stressful, but very handy! And I was absolutely fixed on finishing by Halloween. So I wrote everything on my laptop at home, and my laptop at work, sending myself updated versions of the document over email as word docs.

My editing process tends to involve more growing than pruning 😂 The original story was like...20k I think, ish. The beginning was the same, but Michael and Alex rescued Isobel and Max much quicker and there was a bigger showdown with Jesse and Project Shepherd at the site the Air Force had built out at the Foster Ranch. But then I got just past the confrontation and just...didn’t like it. It felt too rushed, there wasn’t enough emotional impact, and I wanted more actual spooky content, so I went back to Alex and Michael meeting in Las Cruces and started adding stuff from there, and then added more, and more, and stretched out their investigation, and brought in Maria, and then Kyle, and Mimi, and I know there’s people who say you can tell any story in under 100k but no you can’t! I couldn’t have fit all of that in in under 100k, and it wouldn’t have been as good. I needed to stretch out Alex and Michael’s time together for Alex to get really twisted up in his feelings, and having more time meant more time for more spooky stuff too. And the themes just sort of developed on their own. I didn’t set out to consciously mirror Alex’s trauma responses in his haunt sensitivity, but it sort of happened anyway, and it worked! And with other stuff...since I made the haunts so related to location and land, it made sense to tie in a little of Alex’s native heritage. I’ve always been interested in the differences and similarities between the pod squad’s experience on Earth, being completely cut off from their culture and having no choice but to assimilate, and the real life groups of people that’s actually happened to, Native Americans included. When so much of your culture is lost, how do you even react to that? But in like, practical terms, I just wanted to have enough stuff for Alex and Michael to do to stretch out their time together to give them time to get inextricably attached.

And then in my final edits before I uploaded the chapters I usually added more stuff there too, like extra spooky stuff or extra smut. 😂 Or just stuff like more descriptions of the places they were in, making sure I was describing the weather, the way the sky looked, all of that.

Almost all my fics get planned out in bullet points on evernote before I start them. With Shadow Work, having a certain amount of things happening each day made that pleasantly easy. I also wrote out the scale Alex uses to measure haunt activity. But it’s all in bullet point format, one event following the next, this happens, they feel like this, this happens, this happens, and on and on. I don’t think I had any details past Alex and Michael rescuing Max and Isobel planned until I was already in the thick of writing, other than that I knew Jesse had to die, and I had to figure out how Project Shepherd wouldn’t come after the pod squad. So I’m like a semi-planner, semi-gardener type writer I guess.

I uhhhhh went off a bit there, but you asked about it! 😂 Thank you so much!

#shadow work #Anonymous #asks

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dramaphan · 5 years

Text

It’s late, but here is: a live reaction to Phil’s second live show

-“I hope you’ve been fed and watered” no Phil we haven’t you don’t make content anymore

-Philip were you about to make a joke about your chocolate bar containing children

-I’m really not sure how to feel about the half black half brown hair thing but like we’ll see

-Stop whispering at me. Christ.

-I can’t believe you missed out on an opportunity to call that person y’arr-eth. Like a pirate.

-“sorry if I decline your message, I’m-“ blah blah excuse we know you’re denying the gaming channel ones

-“oh it looks like I died” and other instances of Phil not testing shit before he goes live

-it’s craw-sant you buffoon

-Gideon. I think I’ve only ever seen that name written down because I thought it was pronounced the same as pigeon

-plot twist: you actually were meant to take the cake but everyone thought it was art and whoever brought the cake went home sad.

-I am 9 minutes into this show and I’ve seen 4 ads already can you please give me my ass back

-oh my god they’ve got shrimp what nerds

-Phil why do you pretend that normancam is live you fool nobody

-he’s gone full fucking aquarium expert he was gonna have a whole other separate tank just for his dinky shrimp what a ridiculous fucking man I love him

-“Snails are super horny” I hate him

-all these fuckin segments. The editing. The production value. How much is younow paying his ass

-Phil I’m sorry but you would make a terrible news anchor get to the pOINT

-why the hell did this story make the news

-Angry Mums™️ sounds like a tv show I’d be into I love pain

-16 minutes in. Literally only a third of the way through, and I’ve now seen 6 ads. Can Phil fucking chill out for one second you’re already rich

-is it not a normal thing to just chill at a friends house while they’re in the shower?

-honestly real talk don’t ever be embarrassed by your parents doing weird shit in front of your crush because if y’all actually get serious that’s gonna be their in-laws and they’re gonna have to live with it so get them adjusted now.

-grad gown with a furry lining. My brain automatically went “ah yes, graduating from pimp school”

-amari really hit the nail on the head with this one. I can never think of embarrassing stories because they’re all buried deep down in the darkest parts of my psyche.

-look at Norman’s little butt wiggles I die

-Do Dan and Phil pass out candy to trick or treaters on Halloween and if not can I kick their ass

-who tf is having pride in October

-Granny Phannies. Who are you and how do I delete your group chat

-Martyn used to have red hair and get chased by geese. Not sure how those things are related but thank you for sharing

-geese aren’t even the weirdest pets I once knew someone who had a porcupine as a house pet.

-yes Phil geese can fly. The Canada variety does it every year. It’s a big deal.

-my seventh ad just appeared. I’m going to commit a crime

-“the gayest mouse ever” alright

-“a gay mouse for a gay rat” followed by the most absolutely unamused thank you I’ve ever heard in my life

-public spice latte

-holy shit I also had a hamster called mouse does this mean me and Phil are friends

-whichever room the streaming setup is in, is a mess. I will avoid any theories as to why that might be.

-at least Phil had a few different clips for this Norman cam instead of trying to fool us into thinking the same clip on loop was live

-Phil those are seagulls in what world do those look like geese

-“I love the apprentice, not the Donald trump one” wow Phil you’re getting awfully political

-the poopoo chat 69. Some of y’all don’t deserve group chats

-Phil has an occasional drag queen friend and in other news I now know what my dream amazingphil video would be

-maybe Red Squirrel can be your drag name

-“shall I just upload a 24 hour video of Norman’s tank” yes. The only correct answer to that is yes

-“those boob women” Phil where’s your respect

-“eye boobs”

-we’re back on embarrassing parents and I’ve had a flashback to every single time my mother had to interact with a customer service person. Literal worst nightmare.

-oh my god now I’m having flashbacks to my mother listening in on every single phone call I ever had and then confronting me about the stuff I talked about with my friends. Having a mother was a mistake.

-Phil, maybe your mum didn’t ruin your movie date with that girl but I’m sure there was a much more pressing reason it didn’t work out

-and it ended. Just like that.

Final thoughts: I don’t know if I’m gonna be able to sit through these live shows every week but gosh darn it I’ll try.

#phan #amazingphil #dan and phil #lessamazingphil #phil lester

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panda-noosh · 5 years

Text

Those Bells Aren’t For Us {James x Reader}

Words: 8k

Summary: Being single when you worked as a wedding photographer was a constant punch to your confidence. You're thankful whenever you come across a certain best man who has the same views on weddings as you do.

Genre: fluff – angst

Warning: James is a lil shit

Notes: masterlist – I missed a Halloween upload because October has been unforgiving, so please take this as compensation.

---

You were beginning to despise the colour white.

A crisp white, a white that reminded people of purity and clouds. The type of colour that was seen in advertisements for fluffy bed sheets, or fancy shampoo that had no right being that smooth.

Or, the colour that dominated weddings.

That's where you saw it most of all, and perhaps the setting had something to do with why you hated the colour so much – it was just so prominent, the only thing you ever really saw nowadays.

Being a photographer for weddings was a job you had never seen yourself being involved in. In university, you had enjoyed taking candid photos of people – that was your speciality. Unsuspecting passers-by, catching pure and raw emotions on peoples faces as they threw their heads back in laughter, completely unaware to you capturing every moment of said happiness.

After leaving university, though, you had been forced into a stand-still. Nobody wanted to hire you. Nobody knew how to hire you – did they just pay you to stand in a corner and take photos of people who didn't even want their photos taken? Did they just set you up outside of a shop and ask you to take pictures of the people walking in?

No. The only place anybody could think to put your photography skills to use was at weddings, and that was exactly where you had wound up.

It had been fun in the beginning. Back when you were young and carefree, unable to overthink something as simple as a wedding. But as time passed and the job became more of a chore than anything else, you were given more and more time to think of your place amongst these events and that was when you had started looking at the colour white like it was something to be angry at.

It most likely started after Keith had broken up with you. Yes. That was definitely it.

Keith Kogane had once been the man that you saw yourself spending the rest of your life with. Call you crazy, a hopeless romantic, but Keith and you had been together for over four years and you had been completely and utterly in love with him – Keith had put you under the impression that he had felt the exact same way.

Perhaps for some time, he had felt the same way. Nobody can pretend to be in love with another person for over four years and not feel something, and Keith had definitely treated you like somebody he loved. But you hadn't been enough for him, and soon, the two of you were walking along the river at night, and he had given you the harsh news that the spark you two once shared was just no longer present, and you were going to have to accept that.

Since then, these weddings that you were forced to go to had been torture.

Today was going to be no different. You knew that much from the moment you had woken up, looked at your schedule and seen that you had yet another large venue booked. You would need to dress up in all white, do your hair all fancy, practise your fake smile and your congratulations in the mirror before you left – all of which sounded most drab in comparison to simply staying in bed and rotting into the mattress.

However, you needed to pay bills. That was your only motivation as you dragged yourself from the cosy and familiar confines of your bed and sauntered over to your dressing table where you promptly got ready for the day. After taking a quick shower, you dabbed some make up on your face, put the ratchet white dress on and headed out the door for yet another gut wrenching day of work.

The venue in question was massive; an entire hotel had been booked to accommodate the hundreds of guests who would be in attendance – you, of course, included. The hotel itself was clearly five star, two door men standing on either side of the large, oak double doors, greeting people with nods and grins as they filed in. Pillars stood outside with white flowers dangling from them, and wedding music was already playing loud and clear from the crowded lobby.

You straightened your camera, inhaled deeply, and entered.

Immediately you were sucked into another world; this was a common feeling for you whenever you actually stepped foot inside of a wedding venue. Despite your hostility and ongoing heartbreak, it was impossible to attend a wedding as beautiful as this one and not feel something close to awe. It hit you like a ton of bricks this time, the white banners and the pretty flower petals cheering you up just that little bit.

“Ah, you must be Y/N!” a voice sounded from somewhere in the thick crowd.

You whirled around, very nearly knocking someone out cold with the camera in your hands. You quickly apologised, seconds before Romelle – the wedding planner – threw herself into your arms and forced you into a hug. The camera pressed into her lower stomach, making the hug most awkward, but Romelle was clearly in too good of a mood to care too much about that.

She pushed you away. You stumbled, catching yourself on a chair behind you.

“I'm so glad you could make it!” she exclaimed. “I saw some of your other works on the websites I was looking through, and I must say that you truly have a gift with the lens. The pictures you take are fascinating!”

You forced a smile on your face. “Thank you. That means a-”

“Come this way.” She snatched your hand from your side and started towards the back room. “The bride and groom are yet to arrive, but I don't think it's all that important for you to meet them just yet. We can wait until the ceremony is over and then we can do our introductions, okay?”

“Okay.”

“Until then, I would like you to stay near the edges. Keep yourself hidden. The pictures we want our meant to look like the people have no idea you're even there – natural, almost.”

“Natural,” you repeated.

“Mm. That's your speciality, isn't it?”

She turned to look at you over her shoulder, though she continued speaking before you could answer her question.

“You don't have a seat for the main ceremony. As I said, we want you to just remain near the corners, taking photos whenever you think necessary – you're the professional, so I'm trusting you to get the right shots all throughout the day. The bride and groom are most excited to get a lot of these pictures framed and hung up around their house, so keep that in mind whenever you're taking the pictures.”

“I-”

“Here we are!” Romelle squealed once before shoving you in front of her. Once again, you very nearly fell over your own two feet with the intensity of which she had shoved you, though you just managed to catch yourself before falling face first into the plush carpet of the room you were being ushered into.

It wasn't much. There were two brown sofas set up on either side of the room, a single TV placed between them that was currently playing a re-run of Friends. There was a table adorned with wine and little trays of cut-up vegetables that did very little to trigger your appetite.

“You can set up in here if you like,” Romelle said. “I'll come and get you when you're needed. Please, feel free to help yourself to the appetisers. We don't want you walking around hungry, do we?” She laughed, nodded to you and finally left the room in a bustle of dress skirts and over enthusiasm.

For a moment, you could do nothing but stare into thin air; had that truly just happened? Had you genuinely just been shoved into a room, all but forgotten about?

You hollowed out your cheeks, silently reminded yourself that this was for next months rent – you needed to keep your will power in check, or else you would end up homeless.

But at least you had wine to drown out your sorrows this time. Perhaps that would make this job a little more bearable.

Before you could think better of it, you uncorked the bottle of wine and poured a little bit into the cup provided. You slumped down on the sofa, turned your attention to the television as you sipped at the bubbling drink – you weren't even that big of a fan of wine, but you needed something to keep you going today. There was no way in hell you were going to be able to get through this entire day without a little boost.

You must have been sat for a half hour before the door finally opened.

You shot upright. You hadn't even finished your first glass of wine, struggling to fight through your distaste for the beverage, but you felt as if your senses were already beginning to slow. You turned to the door, expecting to see Romelle bustling in, but were surprised to see that it was not Romelle at all.

It was a man – a man who most definitely did not want to be there.

He didn't look up from the floor. It took him a moment to notice the room was occupied at all, his blue-grey eyes tracing over the bottle of wine before finally landing on you. It was then that he raised one of his brows and slowly closed the door, pointing wordlessly to the bottle.

Hesitantly, you held the bottle out to him. Again, without a single word shared between you, he took the bottle from your hands, slumped down on the sofa across from you and started drinking directly from it.

You could do nothing but watch him closely. He didn't look much older than you – maybe by a year or two, judging by the lines beside his eyes, but nothing too drastic. He wore a dark blue suit, the top buttons undone and laying askew against his collar bones. His bow tie had been undone and was also hanging limp around his neck, his dishevelled brown hair only adding to the look of carelessness that he was clearly trying to give off.

He kept his eyes on the television between you; you wanted to do the same, wanted to pretend like you were just as carefree as he was, but he had grabbed your attention most tightly within only a few minutes. He had walked in with absolutely nothing to say, didn't even care that the small room was already occupied. He was also very clearly a part of the ceremony, judging by the fancy suit he was wearing.

It took him a few moments to realise you were staring at him.

He looked up, raised one eyebrow. “Why have you brought that big ass camera to the wedding?”

You started, clutching your camera tight to your side. You quickly looked away, afraid that he had seen you staring at him so intensely.

“I'm not a guest,” you said quickly. “I'm the photographer.”

He grunted. “Oh right. I probably should have guessed that.”

“And what are you? A groomsman?”

He scoffed. “The best of the best, aren't I? Ryan decided to make me best man, so I had no choice but to dress up in this stupid suit and make a fool of myself.”

You opened your mouth to reply, but no response seemed good enough, so you stayed silent. The man hollowed out his cheeks, shook his head dumbly and took yet another swig from the wine bottle.

“I shouldn't be so grumpy,” he grumbled, more-so to himself than to you, it seemed. “He's happy. My best friend is happy, and that should be all that matters, right?”

You hummed in response.

“But I just hate these things. The fluffy vibe, the way everybody is trying so hard to get along even though it's obvious that Ryan's family hates Nadia's family – they're just trying to be civil for the sake of the event. The fakest shit I've ever seen. Makes me cringe.”

“It'll be over by tomorrow.”

The man scoffed. “That's where you're wrong – today is just the beginning, I think. I'll have to deal with babysitting their children next, won't I? Because that's the next step. Making a family, Ryan getting a normal job, completely forgetting about me because he has other important things to deal with.” He shrugged loosely. “To hell with them all, I say. Whenever they're old and debating getting a divorce, I'll still be free as a damn bird, doing whatever the hell I want with no strings attached.”

You winced. “You really don't want to be here, do you?”

The man froze, bottle halfway to his lips. His features slowly softened, as if realisation was finally dawning on him. “God, what kind of wine is this? It's clearly gone straight to my head.”

“You know what they say; a drunk mans words are a sober mans thoughts.” The man's eyes flicked up, glancing at you through the top of his eyelids. “I'm James.”

“Y/N.”

James slowly leaned back in his chair, finally making the wise decision to set the wine bottle down. He instead reached into the deep pockets of his dress trousers and tugged out a tiny, travel-sized water bottle.

“Y/N,” he repeated, as if testing your name out. “You won't tell anyone about my little outburst there, will you?”

You shook your head immediately. “Of course not. I'm just here on business.”

“So you don't know anyone?”

“Not a single person. I didn't even know the bride and grooms names until just now.”

James hummed as he continued to inspect you, as if expecting you to do something totally bizarre; you simply sat there, hands knotted in your lap, mind racing at one hundred miles per hour. Why was he looking at you like that? Why was he still in here, keeping up a conversation with a person he didn't even know?

“Well, I'll keep you company,” he said finally.

Your eyes snapped up. “What? No. You don't have to-”

He raised a silencing hand. “I've got nothing better to do. Once my duties as best man are finished, I'm gonna be left in the dirt for the rest of the day. I might as well spend my time getting drunk with a pretty girl, shouldn't I?” He smirked, took a sip of his water before sighing and leaning back in his seat.

You eyed him curiously. He had the personality of a teenager, but there was something oddly compelling about it. The way he smirked, tilted his head back, held himself with so much confidence despite the clear self-consciousness that he had been spewing to you for the past half hour; he was afraid his friends were going to leave him. He was afraid he was going to be alone, and he masked that in the best way he could think of – by pretending it didn't bother him in the slightest.

You didn't know him, had only been speaking to him for a half hour, and yet you felt as if you could see right through him. Perhaps it was because you felt the exact same way. Being left behind by people you thought would be in your life forever was a terrifying thing to think about, and you were able to spot whenever somebody else felt the same way.

The idea of your friends moving on, getting their life on track before you have even figured out what you want to do for a living was one that had you panicking.

You took another sip of your wine, leaned back and tried to shove the thoughts from your head. At least now you had someone you could talk to throughout the day.

---

The ceremony was beautiful. As had been expected by all of the decorations hung up around the venue.

You stayed true to the orders that had been given to you and pressed yourself firmly against the walls, making little movement and little noise – the only time people really noticed your presence was when the camera would click, signalling you had taken yet another photograph, and even then they didn't seem bothered by you being there.

The bride, Nadia, looked gorgeous walking down the aisle. Her black hair was done up to perfection, though you cringed to think of just how long it took to get it to stand up on its own like that. She was crying even before she had reached the dais, and Ryan – the groom – had been forced to wrap his arms around her and tug her into an embrace before the ceremony had begun.

You had glanced over at James, just barely catching the moment he rolled his eyes at the sight.

James himself looked handsome standing upon the dais, despite the lazy and carefree demeanour he was still trying to put on. His bow tie had been done back up, his suit straightened out and his hair as neat as he could make it. Strands still stuck out around his head, and it still flopped against his forehead in a way that was too casual for the setting, but he was pulling it off and definitely grabbing your attention.

The vows were shared, pictures were taken, and then Ryan and Nadia were exiting the venue together, leaving the guests to chitter about what they had just seen. You huddled yourself further into the corner, tapping through the pictures you had taken, hoping and praying that some of them were decent. You were certain Romelle would be-

“Let me see.”

Your camera was snatched from your hand. You looked up quickly. James stood before you, a lollipop now placed in his mouth as he thumbed through your gallery.

“Hey!” you exclaimed, snatching the camera back. “Those aren't for you.”

“I hope you got my good side,” he said.

“You weren't my main focus. It isn't your wedding.”

James scoffed. “Damn right it isn't.” He sucked harshly on the lollipop before taking it out of his mouth. “Although I think that's a bit cruel. I'm playing a big part today.”

“I'm sure you are. But it's quite difficult to get a decent picture of somebody who was scowling the entire time.” You raised a brow. “I thought you wanted to be happy for your friend?”

James frowned. “I am happy for him!”

“Then why did you look like a slapped bulldog when you were standing up there?”

James scoffed, furrowing his brows at your choice of wording. You didn't care. You found yourself growing more and more curious as to the true reason behind James's hostility, despite only knowing the man for a few hours.

“I didn't think I looked too bad,” he grumbled, tugging on his lapels. “In fact, I think I look fairly decent in a suit.”

“You know that's not what I meant.”

James shrugged. “Then I don't know what you mean, and I don't care.” Before you could react or push the subject any further, James grabbed your hand and started towards the exit. “Come on. Drink reception is happening soon and I desperately need something to keep me standing upright.”

“And you think alcohol is going to do that for you?” you asked through a giggle, stumbling behind him.

James smirked, turned and winked at you over his shoulder. “It'll keep me awake at least.”

---

“So tell me about this little job you've got going on here.”

You turned, glass of wine in your hand and camera dangling idly from your neck. James was stood behind you, one hand tucked messily into the pocket of his trousers whilst the other held a glass bottle containing some kind of strong smelling beer.

“I'm a photographer,” you replied simply.

James scoffed. “I caught on to that part. But what do you actually do? Do you enjoy it? Are people nice to you? Does it pay well?”

“So many questions for somebody who said he didn't care.”

He waved a dismissive hand. “Just talk. I wanna get to know you.”

His comment was innocent, and yet your cheeks started to heat up nonetheless. You looked away, curled your lips around your glass and took an extra long sip of your wine before replying.

“I take pictures of people at weddings,” you said. “Nothing special. It's boring for the most part, but I get to see all these beautiful ceremonies and everybody is so happy, so I guess that's a bonus. People tend to ignore me until they want professional pictures taken, and then all of a sudden I'm the best person in the room. As for payment – well – it's a bit rude to ask somebody about their income, isn't it?”

James's eyes flared, a smile growing on his face. “Sounds like you have the time of your life. And you don't bring anyone to these things? Not even a plus-one?”

You shrugged. “I don't need a plus-one. I'm used to standing around on my own.”

“You know, maybe one day you should get in on that bouquet throwing thing the bride does – imagine how wild it would be if you caught it.”

You scoffed. “It would be wild considering I'm single.”

James frowned. There was a shift in the air, a tension that had not been there before now placed between you. You winced at it, slowly turned back to look towards the main floor where people were mingling absent-mindedly – you knew exactly what James had been talking about when he mentioned the tension between the bride and grooms families. Any other drink reception you had been to had consisted of loud chatter, laughter, happiness on both parts. Now, the chatter was nothing louder than a low murmur, the music dominating the majority of the space.

James stepped up beside you. You could feel his presence, the way he towered over you so drastically, the way his shoulder gently brushed against yours as he took a swig of his beer, watching the same scene as you.

“Is it not torture having to stand around a wedding whenever you're single?” he asked suddenly.

You inhaled sharply, tensing. What a strange question to ask.

You glanced up at him, inspecting his face for any sign that he was joking – but there was none. His lips were pulled into a thin line, his blue-grey eyes continuing their rounds of the dance floor, his hand still lazily shoved into his pockets in a way that told you he did not give a single shit about what he was saying.

“No,” you said slowly. “I don't – I don't tend to think about it too much, actually.”

He paused and then nodded. “I think I'd be driven insane.”

You raised a brow. “You really don't like being single, do you?”

That caught his attention. His eyes popped open wide, the bottle dropping from his lips as he turned to look at you in shock. “What's that supposed to mean?”

“I mean, I'm just saying – you've complained an awful lot about how lonely you are for the past four hours. It just seems to me like-”

“Like nothing,” he spat, and this time he sounded genuinely angry. “I love being single. In fact, I think marriage is the stupidest thing on the planet. Why would you tie yourself down like that, all legal and shit? It's too much effort for something that might not even work out.”

“I think you're looking at it the wrong way.”

“I think other people are looking at it the wrong way, acting like they're life isn't complete unless they can get someone to put a rock on their damn hand.” He scoffed. “Other people won't bring you happiness – not the kind that counts, anyway. It's about time this generation stopped pretending that they will.”

You were stunned. Shamelessly, you stared at up the side of James's face, examining him, somehow trying to crack open who this man truly was – but again, his features were stone cold. His brows were furrowed, the bottle being brought back to his lips in a way that startled you just that little bit – he would have to make the best man speech today. It was only 3.30pm and he was already on his third beer of the day.

You looked away, pursing your lips. You had no right to chastise him for his beliefs, for his inner demons. You were going to be here for another few hours, take the professional pictures that had been requested before you were due to head home to your freezing cold apartment to wallow in self pity before you would wake up tomorrow and repeat the process. You had no reason to babysit this stranger standing beside you – even if his actions and his words were beginning to worry you a little bit.

Drink reception lasted only an hour and a half before you were all being led back into the hotel for wedding breakfast. By this time, the winter had already dominated the skies, meaning it was beginning to get dark. Coloured lanterns floated up into the sky with flames tinkling on the inside of them – the sight was beautiful.

“Get a picture of that,” James said, nudging your elbow.

You did so. Not because he had told you to, but because the sight was one made to capture. It was as if the lanterns had been set up for the soul purpose of you snapping a picture of them.

Once again, you stayed close to the walls as the wedding breakfast went on. You ate away at the buffet table with permission from the bride herself, and found yourself genuinely enjoying your time there. With the bride and groom now present in the room, spirits were definitely higher and the families of the two were speaking a little bit more freely – you would be an idiot to claim there was no sense of tension mixing in with the friendly banter, but perhaps the alcohol had loosened their tongues a little bit.

You glanced over at James far more than you would have liked to. He was sat beside Ryan, chatting animatedly with his best friend, definitely in higher spirits from how he had been outside. He laughed and joked, slapping his best friend on the shoulder before the two of them would throw their heads back and howl in laughter; you found yourself smiling, though you weren't entirely sure why.

You did your job in complete silence, parading around the tables and asking people if they would mind having their pictures taken. Elderly women held up wine glasses and smiled awkwardly into the lens, whilst the younger kids jumped from their seats and posed in the middle of the floor, forcing a chorus of laughter to emerge from the other guests. You grinned, politely thanked them all before moving on.

It wasn't long until you had reached the big table – the table where the bride and groom were sitting.

The table where James was sitting.

You waltzed up to it with as much confidence as you could muster. Even before you had reached the table, James's eyes were firm on you, watching your every movement as if you were his prey and he was waiting for the right moment to pounce. You hoped that you didn't stumble under his gaze, that you could somehow find the strength to ignore him as you spoke to the bride and groom.

The last thing you wanted was for James to know that his gaze alone was enough to make you flustered.

“Y/N! I thought you'd forgotten about us,” Ryan joked, leaning over the table to shake your hand.

You smiled warmly. “Of course not. I was just saving the best for last. Now, would you like a picture taken as a keepsake for later on?”

Ryan nodded, wrapping an arm around his new wifes shoulders. You couldn't help but glance over at James, watching his tanned face flush. He took yet another rough sip of his drink, turning away to look at the crowd.

You pursed your lips and started snapping pictures of the posing bride and groom, encouraging them in that way that only a true photographer knew how to do; little comments, telling them to shift their pose, telling them how good of a job they were doing and how good they both looked. It took every fibre of your being to ignore the scoffs emerging from James every few seconds – scoffs that Ryan nor Nadia seemed to take note of in their moment of after-wedding bliss.

Finally, the last picture was upon them. Of course, it was only natural for Ryan to turn and press his lips to Nadia's. You weren't shocked by the action. You had been in this business for a while now, and this was a common pose for the bride and groom to take. You simply smiled, snapped the picture and-

James scoffed once again. Your temper bubbled over.

“How about we get some pictures of you with the best man?” you asked.

James's eyes widened, snapping to you in panic. You grinned at him, turned back to Ryan with a raised brow.

Ryan was all for it, of course. He cheered, wrapped his arm around James's shoulders and smiled brightly for the camera; you encouraged him even more now, saying things like, “Come on, James! Chin up! You don't want to be looking like a child in the photo albums, do you?”

James was trying so hard to seem enthusiastic. He even went as far as to wrap his arms around his friend, placing an extremely strained grin on his face in the process; it made you laugh, though you covered it up as best as you could with your own snide comments thrown into the mix.

Finally, you decided to let the man live. You tugged the camera away from your face, thanked the bride and groom with courtesy before you winked at James, turned on your heel and headed back into your dark little corner to inspect the pictures you had taken.

All of them had turned out perfectly. You couldn't help but giggle to yourself when you came upon the ones with James, looking at how awkward he seemed with his best friends arm wrapped tight around his neck, tugging him into his side, making it so clear that he didn't want to be there in the slightest.

That's what he got for being so negative all the time.

Clink clink clink.

You looked up, letting the camera drop back against your stomach. Ryan and Nadia were both standing up now, Ryan with a glass and spoon in his hands that he had clearly just used to gather the attention of his guests.

“Everyone, thank you all so much for coming today,” he started. “It really has been an incredible day, and I'm sure you all have a lot to say. So, we're gonna dive right into the speeches!”

The crowd cheered, even though they didn't have to. Nadia's father was the first one to make a speech. Nadia started crying, tugged her dad into a hug and thanked him kindly; it was a pure sight, and you were unable to stop yourself from taking a few memorable pictures of their loving embrace.

“And now, the best man speech,” said Nadia through tears.

James stiffened. Ryan span in his chair, giving his best friend a quick nudge in the elbow with a large smile on his face – you flushed despite yourself, watching the anxiety suddenly appear on James's face. He was bright red, lips slightly swollen from the amount of times he had placed a cold bottle against them.

Oh god. He was in no fit state to be making public speeches right now.

You forced yourself to keep your eyes on him when he finally stood up and started fumbling around in his pocket. He cursed loudly, making a few of the parents in the crowd scowl and quickly cover their childrens ears. Finally, James hit the jackpot and tugged the ripped piece of paper out of his trousers, unfolding it with hesitant fingers.

“Thank you, everyone,” he started, voice hoarse from alcohol. Ryan was already starting to catch on to what was happening, a scowl forming on his face. “Uh – my name is James Griffin, and I'm Ryan's best friend. Ryan. The – uh – the groom. The lucky man himself.” He winced, slapped a hand against Ryan's shoulders before continuing. “Ryan and I met at the Garrison a few years back. I don't really remember how long ago it was, but I don't think that matters, because the things we've been through together would count as an eternity anyway.”

You smiled. That was nice.

“Like that one time I nearly cut my left leg off in a flight demo and Ryan had to be there to stop the bleeding.”

A child in the audience cried out. Ryan's eyes widened. Nadia's jaw fell, her hand snapping out to wrap around her husbands lower arm.

James didn't take notice of these startled reactions, however, as he continued on his speech.

“Ryan and Nadia have been together for an awfully long time, too. I didn't like Nadia when I first met her, because I thought she was some kind of spy or something.” He snickered. “Then I realised that she has the flexibility of an iron pole, so that wasn't possible.”

“Okay-” Ryan began, reaching up to grab James's arms, but the man was on a roll and he clearly had no intentions of stopping.

“When Ryan proposed, I told him I was happy for him, even though I knew it would be the worst mistake of his life. See, the thing about being somebody's best friend is that you have to support them through everything, don't you? Even if you're fairly certain they're gonna destroy their life, you have to suck it up and let them make those kind of mistakes on their own, figure out where they went wrong so they can avoid that same mistake for next time.” James turned to face Ryan fully then, grinning from ear to ear. “Just remember that I'll be right here, ready to welcome you back whenever this marriage goes to shit and you need a drinking buddy. I love you man.”

That was the final straw. You looked at Ryan for the space of two seconds before you had gathered his entire demeanour – he was not happy, and if James did not get out of his face at that very moment, all hell would break loose.

You weren't sure what came over you, where this surge of protectiveness and confidence suddenly came from, but you were marching your way up to the big table before you could comprehend your own actions.

James span around when he noticed you walking towards him. “Y/N! My other single friend!”

“Be quiet,” you hissed, snatching his hand into your own and dragging him away from his seat. You quickly turned to Ryan and Nadia, mouthed sorry before you quickened your pace and trailed James into the lobby of the hotel.

He was drunk. So, so drunk. You could smell it on his suit, could feel the sweat coming from his palms, see the sweat coming from his forehead.

“Why did you let yourself get in such a state?” you grumbled, fishing a napkin out of your pocket and using it to dab at the sweat on James's forehead.

He closed his eyes and hummed against the sensation, one of his hands slowly coming up to curl around your wrist. His touch reminded you of feathers with how light it was, fingertips pattering against your skin. He didn't want to control your movements; he just wanted to feel your flesh beneath his fingers.

“James,” you whispered, shaking your head. “Do you have any idea what you've just done?”

“I think I messed up,” he whispered back, eyes still closed and that stupid smile still tugging on his lips. “Ryan's never going to talk to me again.”

You sighed. “I wouldn't bet on it.”

“What a plot twist!” he suddenly burst, eyes snapping open and grip tightening on your wrist. He looked right at you as he said, “It turns out that it wasn't marriage that destroyed mine and Ryan's friendship. It was me!” He laughed, shaking his head. “Oh, that's insane. Was not expecting that.”

Even though he was yelling, smiling, jumping from side-to-side like an excited toddler, you could recognise that disguised pain in anybodies voice. He was not happy. He was not excited. He knew full well the true extent of what he had done, of what he had just lost.

You weakly smiled back at him, wrapped an arm around his waist and tugged him into you.

---

You were too worried to leave him on his own.

He had passed out only a few minutes after you had managed to drag him into the back room of the wedding reception. As soon as his head hit the pillow, he was drifting off to sleep with that smile still lazily etched onto his features, one hand knotted in his hair whilst the other hung loosely off the edge of the sofa cushions.

You were meant to leave. You knew full well that you should have gotten back to your job, should have been back out there capturing moments, but you had instead sat yourself down across from him and watched him like a hawk, as if afraid he would do something stupid in his sleep.

At this point, you wouldn't put it past him.

You heard the wedding guests filing out of the dinner hall. They were cheering; the bride and groom were leaving, and clearly James's words had had little effect on the mood of the day. Nonetheless, you stayed with him, bunched up on the sofa with your knees pressed to your chest and camera laying idly by your side.

You weren't sure when you fell asleep. You were shaken awake. Eyes snapping open, you bolted upright and grabbed for the first thing you could find – which just so happened to be the lapels of James's blazer.

You tugged, sending James toppling forward. He just managed to stabilise himself with one hand on the sofa cushions behind you, his face now inches from yours. You winced, pushed him away as the stench of alcohol attacked your senses.

“You're awake. Finally,” you said.

“What are you still doing in here?” He sounded exasperated, running a hand through his brown hair.

You raised a brow. “You didn't just expect me to pack up and leave, did you? I thought you were gonna choke on your own tongue.”

“That didn't stop you from falling asleep though, did it?” He raised a brow at you in that judgemental way you had seen all too often tonight. You rolled your eyes, threw a pillow at him which he caught with swiftness before hugging it close to his chest. “I hope to god you didn't stay with me the entire time. Romelle won't give you your wages if you only did half the job.”

Your stomach fell. You had made the conscious decision to stay with James, despite knowing the consequences. You had no right to be shocked now.

You shrugged lazily, trying to pretend like you didn't care, like you weren't struggling for money at the moment. “It's fine.”

James's eyes widened. “What do you mean it's fine? You spend an entire day at some strangers wedding and you don't even get what you came here for.”

“I got a bit more than what I came here for.” You tilted your head. “You've been quite the experience, James Griffin.”

He stared at you, a blush rising on his face. “How do you do that?”

“Do what?”

“That!” he exclaimed, flopping back against the sofa. “I'm so used to people just accepting what I say as gospel or something, because I'm the leader of the MFE's. But you – you don't let anything past, do you?”

You shrugged. “I didn't know you were the leader of the MFE's, so-”

“You also know how to make the leader of the MFE's extremely flustered.” He folded his arms over his chest, glared at you. “I hate it. Stop it.”

Despite everything that had happened, the stupidity and selfishness James had shown, you couldn't stop yourself from laughing at his oh-so-innocent comments, the small pout forming on his face.

“You look like a three year old when you pout like that,” you said.

James rolled his eyes. “There you go again.”

“I can't help that you're so easy to pick on.”

James grumbled as he stood up, dragging his coat along with him. You watched his every movement with a stupid grin on your face, one that seemed so natural despite what had happened today.

James started towards the door, still grumbling under his breath before he suddenly stopped and turned to look at you over his shoulder. You froze under his gaze, tilting your head to the side, awaiting what he had to say.

“You know, we both had a lot to drink tonight,” he started. “The taxi fare will be cheaper if you stay over at mine tonight and we share one.”

Your eyes widened, heart suddenly thundering at a million miles per hour. James must have noticed the sudden change in your demeanour, as that shit-eating grin of his split his face once again.

You swallowed thickly, nodded before you could think better of it. The thought of going back to your cold apartment had been bothering you all day, anyway – now that you had a chance to be anywhere else, you were going to take it as soon as possible.

Yes. That was the reason why you were nodding, scrambling to gather up your belongings. It wasn't just because it was James asking you to go with him.

No. It wasn't that at all.

----

“You didn't tell me the bride and grooms names,” James hissed, appearing beside you.

You jumped, very nearly dropping your camera in the process. You whirled around to glare at your plus-one, but his face was neutral as he sipped casually on a bottle of water, looking out at the crowd forming in the castle gardens.

“Because I didn't think you'd want to go up and talk to them,” you replied. “Where's your tie gone?”

“I took it off.”

“Why?”

“Because I don't know these people. I'm only here so I can see you twirl around in that pretty dress of yours.” He smirked, leaned forward as if expecting a kiss, but you were a professional. Even though every bone in your body wanted to meet him half way and completely ravish him in that suit, you pulled away and placed your fingertips against his awaiting lips.

He frowned, eyebrows furrowing.

“I'm working,” you said. “You know we can't be doing that kind of thing here.”

“If anything, I think this is the best place for it,” he shot back, trailing behind you when you started walking through the crowd with your camera raised. “Remember when we first met and I used to hate these things?”

“You still do hate these things.”

“Not so much now,” he protested. “I'm not single any more. They aren't so depressing.”

You scoffed. “Are we only together so you can feel better about yourself during weddings?”

His hand wound around your waist, tugging you into his side. “Although that's a definite bonus, I'm also head over heels in love with you.” He pulled away then. “Which I honestly don't understand, considering all we did was contradict each other that first day we met.”

“Actually, I contradicted you,” you corrected. “You were too deep in your feelings, and too drunk, to come up with good arguments.”

“Ah. At least you remember the state I was in that day.”

“I remember it well.”

James scowled, playfully pinching your elbow. You giggled, could barely help yourself when you stood up on your tippy toes and placed an innocent kiss to his cheek. Despite James trying his hardest to come across as the uncaring, macho man that the Garrison knew him as, you still managed to pry a blush from his cheeks at the simplest of touches. You grinned from ear to ear, a slight bounce in your step as you pulled away from him and started back through the crowd. James, as per usual, continued his unintelligible grumbling, following close behind you.

It still amazed you how much he had changed in the few months it had been since you met. He still spoke about marriage as if it was some kind of curse, continually asking you if you would ever just elope with him rather than go through the works of some massive ceremony where the entire family would be invited and things would have to go perfectly – you had told him on multiple occasions that you didn't care how the ceremony went, as long as it was James you were spending the rest of your life with at the end of it all.

It was cheesy, language you never would have used before. Even with Keith, you two had never spoken so openly about the idea of marriage, because even though you had been certain you were in love, talking about something so permanent just added a tiny bit of pressure.

But with James, it was natural. It was something you both spoke about casually, as if the idea of marriage wasn't something that had once disgusted your boyfriend.

You were happy to see his views changing to something more positive, but what you had said was true – you didn't need to marry him, didn't need a ring on your finger or your name signed on some legal documents. As long as you were with James, you didn't care whether you were just called girlfriend or wife.

----

You sighed, stretching your arms out above your head. James grunted, shifting beneath you as your hands very nearly clipped him on the nose.

You grumbled, rolling over and placing your head on his chest. “Sorry.”

“You tired?” he asked through a chuckle, wrapping his arms around your shoulders and nuzzling his nose in your hair.

You couldn't do much more than nod against his chest.

He chuckled again. “You said you'd watch Stranger Things with me.”

“I will. I'm still awake.”

“Your eyes are closed.”

“I can listen to it.”

“Y/N.” He sighed, shifting so he could press his lips to your temple. “Go to sleep. We can watch it another day.”

You groaned. “You said that yesterday! We need to watch it tonight.”

“Why do we?”

“Because you want to watch it, and I said I would watch it with you.” You forced your eyes open, perching your chin against his chest so you could look up at him. “As your girlfriend, it's my job to make sure you don't watch any Netflix series without me. That's the rule.”

James smiled. It was a perfect smile, one you would never get tired of, one that sent butterflies parading through your stomach that you quickly stifled by nuzzling your head back into his chest and pointing towards the TV.

“Turn it on then. Let's get watching.”

James sighed, reaching for the remote. “I love you so much, you know.”

“I love you, too.”

“Even though you're a complete pain in my ass the majority of the time,” he added. “You still make me the happiest bloke on the planet.”

You smiled. “James, stop. You're gonna make me cry.”

“Maybe that'll wake you up a little bit,” he teased, pinching your sides. You squealed, slid away from him before you started missing his warmth and nuzzled back into his side. “You do know that you changed my life, though, don't you?”

You froze. “James...”

He sighed dreamily, still casually surfing through the shows on the Netflix homepage. He passed Stranger Things twice without noticing.

“When I first met you, I was a complete asshole, and yet you still took care of me. You still said yes whenever I asked you out on that date. You still said yes whenever I asked you to move in with me. You saw that I was just angry because of my own selfish reasons, and you gave me a chance to prove myself to you. The fact that I managed to find someone so understanding and so kind still blows my mind to this day.”

“I love you, James. You don't need to be shocked that I'm still around.”

He nodded, hugging you a little bit tighter. “But I want – I want you to be around for the rest of my life, you know? I want you to know that I'm in this forever, even if I can come off as a little heartless sometimes, or like I don't care. I want to prove to you that I'm serious about this.”

You froze. “James, what are you-”

He sat up. You scrambled at the movement, pulling back in the blankets, but his hands shot up and wrapped around your arms. It was only then did you see the look on his face, that small, tired smile exaggerated by his bloodshot eyes and messy hair – he looked so James right now, like the James only you were ever allowed to see because you were the only person in the world he trusted this much.

You watched him with wide eyes – eyes that were already beginning to fill with tears – as he reached beneath the sofa and tugged out a black, velvet box. Your heart skipped a beat. Air had long since been knocked from your lungs, leaving you with your jaw hanging open and tears streaming down your face.

He looked up at you nervously, awkwardly chuckling at the sight of your startled face. “I guess you can already tell what I'm gonna ask, huh?”

“Are you sure?” you whispered.

“More sure than I've ever been about anything in my entire life.”

“Please say it. I want to hear you say it.”

James smiled, slowly leaned forward and pressed his forehead against your own. “Y/N L/N, love of my life – will you do me the absolute honour of becoming my wife?”

To you, the answer was obvious. There was no other reply you could give him other than the one that was balancing on the end of your tongue at this very moment.

You smiled, leapt forward and nuzzled your head into his neck, sobbing against his skin as the world slowly knitted itself back together around you – the world that had once been so unsure and so scary, so big and vast, now seemed to shrink a little bit, now seemed to grow a little bit more understandable, because you knew now that you wouldn't have to face any of it alone.

You would have the love of your life right beside you the entire time, and you couldn't think of anything you would have wanted more.

“Yes, James. Of course I'll marry you.”

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turn-your-gaze-on-this-dumptruck · 5 years

Text

His Past, His Present, His Future: Chapter 6 - Wine

Sorry for the pause between uploads. I’ve been moving, and between that and college I have had zero spare time.

After a difficult conversation, Germany and Italy make dinner. This chapter is basically just domestic fluff.

Ao3

Fanfiction.net

**********************

The two worked in the kitchen, Italy insisting on making home-made… soup? Broth? As Germany boiled the noodles. He was content to just watch Italy chop and stir and simmer from his seat on a bar stool opposite of him. Other than boiling pasta, there was nothing for him to do. They talked about things that didn’t matter, reminiscing on Halloween parties and Christmas celebrations. Italy introduced the idea that he should host a holiday sometime. Perhaps Easter.

Germany nodded. “It’s nice here in the spring.”

Italy looked up from his work, brushing hair out of his face and behind his ear. “Yes. The flowers in my garden just start to bloom, and it smells so nice! It’s the kind of weather that makes you want to go on a walk and enjoy life, you know?” Though his words were deceptively bright, Germany had noted the fact that Italy had been averting his gaze the entire evening.

Germany smiled slightly, hoping to reassure him. “It would be good to have everyone here.”

Italy peered through his lashes at Germany. “Even America?”

“Hmm, maybe not him.” Germany joked, standing to stir the pasta.

“Oh, I know you have a soft spot for him.” Italy protested, dumping the cutting board into the sink. “Care to wash this for me?”

Germany stepped over and started the water, waiting for it to heat up. The kitchen was starting to smell of spices. “I don’t have a soft spot for him.”

Italy smiled, lightly pushing into Germany’s ribs with his elbow as he walked past him. “Sure.” Germany returned the smile. It seemed that now that the touch barrier has been broken, things were finally less tense.

The conversation faded as Germany enjoyed the warm kitchen, the tile underneath his socked feet, and Italy’s quiet humming. It was serene and peaceful. He gazed out the window facing Italy’s back garden, noting that Italy had strung up strands of round lights through the branches of the trees, barely visible against the searing light of the sunset against the clouds.

“I think Japan is in love with him.”

Germany blinked, shocked by Italy’s idea. “Really?” He asked, raising an eyebrow. He began scrubbing at the cutting board.

“Mm-hmm!”

Germany towel-dried it and strode over to Italy. “I don’t believe you. Where does this go?” He lifted the cutting board up slightly.

Italy pointed to a narrow cupboard as he stirred the pasta sauce. “There. Have you seen how they interact?”

“Yes.” Germany raised a single eyebrow as he put up the cupboard. “They talk as friends.” He opened the fridge and peered into the cheese drawer. “You have no parmesan.”

Italy set his spoon on a spoon rest and walked over. “How did I run out of parmesan?”

“I wouldn’t be surprised if you ate it all.”

Germany looked over as Italy plucked a note from the door.

Italy read the note in Italian. “I got the last of the Parmesan. The Potato Bastard will take you to a farmer's market and you'll have to get more. Romano.”

“Romano took it?” Germany asked, surprised. “He must have stole it while I was back in your office.”

Italy shook his head with a fond smile, too distracted to question why Germany was back there in the first place. “He’s sneaky when he wants to be. He wants you to take me to a farmer’s market to get more.”

Germany hummed. “I’m sure we can find one over the next couple days.”

“That would be fun!” Italy agreed, stuffing the note in his pocket.

“So you were saying?” Germany asked, shutting the fridge door. “About Japan and America?”

“Oh, so you’re interested?” Italy asked with a grin, untying his apron and hanging it on a magnetized hook on the fridge.

Germany felt his cheeks heat up. “I just want to know how Japan is doing. It’s what friends do.”

Italy quirked an eyebrow. “Mm-hmm... have you ever noticed that when America walks in, Japan is one of the first to notice? He always seems to have time to watch a scary movie with him, no matter what he has going on.”

“That’s a friend thing.” Germany protested. “I do the same for you.” Despite the neutral tone of his voice, he felt shaky. Sure, he did the same thing, but what he felt for Italy was beyond friendship.

“Well yes,” Italy allowed. “But is Japan really the type? You’re really affectionate. He’s not.”

“I’m not affectionate!” Germany protested loudly.

Italy turned off the burner to the pasta and carried it over to the strainer. Germany hadn’t even realized he’d forgotten about it. “Sure you are! Everyone’s affectionate in their own way. Like when you remind me to grab an umbrella when it rains, or when you taught me how to throw a hand grenade, or how sometimes when I fall asleep on the couch you carry me to bed!”

Germany grunted. “All that is just human decency.” He determinedly ignored the other man as he pulled two bowls from the cupboard.

“You are affectionate in your actions. Not in words.” Italy continued, carrying the strainer back to the stove and dumping the pasta into the liquid in the pot. He stirred the contents and sniffed, sighing. “So is Japan. But he is less open about it. He is antisocial and often doesn’t enjoy going to other people’s houses, but he goes to America’s more frequently than anyone’s. More frequent than yours and ours, even!”

Germany considered this, grabbing two spoons. “Suppose you were somehow right. What about America?”

“What does he always say? His catchphrase, maybe?”

“... ‘I’m hungry’?”

Italy laughed. “Other than that.”

“Well, he always refers to himself as a hero.” Germany answered, carrying the dishes to the table. “What do you want to drink?”

Italy tipped the pot over, pouring the soup into a serving bowl. “Wine, please.”

“What kind?” Germany grabbed two wine glasses.

“Hmm... how about the Masseto Toscana? It should go well with the soup.”

Germany crouched by the wine rack, his eyebrows furrowed. He started pulling the bottles out one by one, examining the labels. “Why is him calling himself a hero relevant?”

Italy carried the bowl over to the table. “Because he cares a lot about his self image, right?”

Germany growled to himself as he pulled the third bottle of wine off the rack. “So?”

“Why would he call Japan over to watch scary movies constantly if it made him look like a coward?”

Germany prayed for the sweet release of death as he pulled the sixth bottle of wine halfway off the rack before noticing that the label was wrong.

Italy crouched next to him and considered the wine rack for a moment before removing a bottle from the bottom row. “Perhaps because America wants an excuse for Japan to come over.”

Straightening along with Italy, he grunted an affirmation.

“You think I’m right?” Italy asked, delightedly beaming as he noticed Germany had nothing to say.

“Nein.” Germany answered, making his way to the table. “I just can’t believe this conversation is actually starting to make logical sense.” He took a seat.

Italy shook his head, also sitting. “You just wait, Germany. Watch them spend time together and you’ll have to believe me!”

Germany grunted, ladleing soup into his bowl. “Not likely. What is this you’ve made?”

Italy let the conversation slide. “Pasta e Fagioli!” He proclaimed, popping the cork of the wine and pouring himself half a glass. He offered his hand for Germany’s glass.

Germany passed it. He always preferred a cold beer to anything else, but it wasn’t like he hated wine. “Sounds good.” He accepted his glass and took a bite of the soup, the warmth seeping through his entire being and soothing all the emotional ache of the day.

“It’s good?” Italy asked.

Germany realized his eyes had closed as he opened them. “It’s wunderbare.”

“Great!” Italy’s entire being seemed to brighten at his words.

“I was thinking about what we could do tomorrow. It has been so long since I’ve taken time to tour your country. I was thinking we could walk around Rome.”

Italy laughed, taking a sip of wine. “If you want to see what has changed here, Rome isn’t the best place to do it, Germany, everything is so old!”

Germany hummed. “Perhaps. I just remember we had a good time there.”

“Aww, Germany, that’s so sweet!”

“Germany attempted to hide his embarassment by tilting his wine glass upward and taking a sip.

“How is it?” Italy asked.

Germany tried to think of something intelligent to say. He knew that Italy was something of a wine efficianado. “It... tastes like wine. Good wine. It tastes good.”

Italy smiled like he was trying to hold in laughter. “I hope so, I have been saving it for a special occasion!”

“What special occasion?” Germany hoped Italy didn’t intend to mention the discoveries of today. That was the last thing he wanted to think about.

Italy raised his wine glass in a toast. “Your first vacation since 1990!”

Germany raised his glass, smiling. The two clinked their glasses.

“This wine was bottled that same year, you know.” Italy quipped. “Very convenient! Almost like it was meant to be!”

“We took that vacation in Turkey, yes?” Germany asked, taking another sip of wine. It was starting to grow on him.

Italy nodded. “Yes! Your latest vacation and it is with me almost three decades later... if that isn’t a reason to open up a 2,000 euro bottle of wine, I don’t know what is!”

Germany choked on his drink. He coughed and hacked, bending forward on the table as the worst of the coughs passed.

“Are you okay?” Italy asked.

“What the hell?!” He cursed in German.

“Gesundheit.” Italy offered.

Germany stared at the glass sitting on the table, wondering how much money he had drank in the two sips he had. “This wine was 2,000 euros?!”

Italy shrugged. “Well it was actually around 2,300, but... I’m not really particular about that sort of thing.”

“Jesus Christ.” Germany gasped.

“Well if you’re religious, yes!”

Germany squinted confusedly at the man sitting opposite of him.

“Get it? Wine? Blood of Christ?” Italy tried, stirring his soup. “It’s a Catholic joke.”

Germany lay his forehead in his palm. “My God, Italy.”

“Actually, he’s my God unless you’re Cath-”

“Italy!”

Germany lay in bed a few hours later, his hair still slightly damp from his shower. He allowed it to hang over his forehead and brush his eyebrows as he stared at the wall. Italy’s guest room had always been beautiful, what with the four poster bed and the glass double doors that lead to a balcony. The moon was half full tonight, allowing a soft blue light to spill into the room. What exactly had happened today? Well, he knew what happened. But it was just so much to process. How do you process learning that the past you thought you had wasn’t even half of your life? That you had an entire past that you didn’t even remember? That you died and somehow miraculously came back to life? It was all so much. There was really nothing he could do for that except give himself time to acclimate himself to this feeling. To this desire to learn about himself.

He realized that he was so busy worrying about all that that he had barely taken the time to consider what this meant for Italy. For him. For the both of them, maybe. They used to be... together? Maybe? Did that even count? Here Germany thought he had never even had his first kiss when he had it with Italy of all people. And Italy... he’d loved him too, once. That was the worst part. That in the past he had what was perhaps his greatest desire and he couldn’t even remember it. And beside that was the question of if Italy was even his friend because he was Germany. Did Italy stick around for who he was now, or for a ghost of someone Germany didn’t even know? Of someone he didn’t even remember? The question had been gnawing at his thoughts all day. A dull ache in the back of his mind as he joked around with Italy and spent the rest of the day in what could have been considered a domestic atmosphere. He sighed aloud and turned onto his back. It was then that he saw a shadow in the doorway.

“Germany?” It said.

Germany sat up in his bed, allowing the covers to fall off his shoulders and into his lap. “Italy.” He rubbed his eyes. “Couldn’t sleep?”

Italy stepped forward into the moonlight, his tan skin unusually pale in the blue light. He wore a T-shirt that was slightly too large for him over a pair of boxers. His hair was tousled, but Germany figured that was from tossing and turning more than anything else. “No.”

Germany nodded. “Me neither.”

Italy’s right hand crossed over his body and gripped his left wrist sheepishly. “... Would you mind if I shared your bed with you tonight?”

Uh-oh. “At least you actually asked this time.” Germany sighed, scooching over and pulling the covers back for him. “It beats you sneaking in while I’m sleeping.”

Italy smiled, his shy air disappearing entirely. “Yes! Thank you, Germany!”

Germany lay back down, glad for the darkness as it shielded Italy from the glowing blush on his cheeks. “Ja ja, just try not to take all the covers this time.”

“I will. Thank you, Germany.”

Silence reigned as Germany turned on his side, his back facing Italy. He shut his eyes, willing himself to go to sleep. Minutes passed and he didn’t get any more tired.

“Something is wrong.” It wasn’t a question.

Germany didn’t even turn his head. “No.”

The weight on the bed shifted as Italy turned to face Germany, propping himself up on his elbow. “You’re lying. I said earlier I would answer all your questions, remember?”

“I said there was nothing wrong, and there is nothing wrong.” Germany snapped. “Why can’t you just listen?”

“Do you remember when we became friends?”

Germany furrowed his brows. He wondered if Italy had figured out what was bothering him. “Unfortunately.”

“I say a lot of things, Germany. I love to talk! But I remember something I said that day. I said that we could protect each other, and I would disappoint you! It was a promise I made when we formed our alliance!”

“You realize that was not in the formal agree-”

“-Point being,” Italy interrupted. “It was a promise I made when we formed our alliance. Our friendship! So when I don’t listen to what you say, I am only making good on my promise.”

Germany turned over at this, fixating his beady glare on Italy.

He was smiling uncaringly, like Germany had just offered to tell him a joke. He raised his eyebrows, waiting for a response.

Germany contemplated what he said, wondering if he should even bother. How would it look if he asked Italy that question? Would that make things weird? Worst of all, what if Italy had befriended Germany because he was Holy Rome before? What then? “It really isn’t a big deal.”

“It is to me.” Italy said. He delivered it like his words had no weight. Like it wasn’t the very thing Germany needed to hear most.

Germany sighed and faced the ceiling again. He tried to speak as though he weren’t contemplating this all day. “When you found me, did you just want to become my friend to see if I was Holy Rome?”

There was only the briefest pause.

“Germany, do you really think that?” Italy asked, his voice heavy.

Germany frowned, not tearing his gaze away from the ceiling. “I don’t know. I was just wondering.”

“No!” Italy protested, shaking his head furiously. “Not at all! I only started suspecting it after World War Two!”

Germany finally looked at Italy. “Really?”

“Of course! I thought you just looked like him! The same way that Canada looks like America, or like Sealand looks like a gremlin! Before I was an investigator, Germany, I was your friend. First and foremost, always and forever!”

Germany felt a massive weight lift off his shoulders. “Oh. That’s good.” He said.

Italy lay down and faced him, his brown eyes gazing cautiously into his blue. His mouth split into a smile. “What do you want to do in Rome tomorrow?”

“Mm... we have to see the colloseum for sure.” Germany answered, fully aware that Italy was trying to distract him.

“It’s been so long since I’ve been seen it.” Italy reminisced.

“How long?”

Italy frowned, thinking.

Germany noticed Italy’s eyes were half closed, weighed down by exhaustion.

“Probably... actually, I don’t think I’ve been there since it was still an actual arena...”

“How long ago was that?” Germany asked, slightly shocked.

“Mm...” Italy yawned. “I don’t know. It’s too late to think.”

The corners of Germany’s mouth lifted as Italy’s eyes fluttered closed.

“Good night, Germany.”

“Good night, Italy.” Germany let his eyes close as well, immediately sinking into a heavy and merciful sleep.

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coldphoenix · 5 years

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Halloween short - Candle

A/N:- Sorry this is late! I think I actually wrote it on Halloween, but I never got chance to upload it… please accept my apologies. Anyway, enjoy this very short and rushed tribute to Halloween and King Piccolo’s relationship with Katas lol.

xxx

King Piccolo sat upon his throne, relishing in the horror and mayhem his children unleashed upon the world. Ah… He inhaled, enjoying the scent of the humans’ fear in the air. It always smelt fresher on Halloween. He was in his element… until he was disturbed. He raised his eyes from his drink – a goblet of human blood, poured fresh on demand, by his minions… and he laid his eyes upon someone who had almost killed his bodyguards in his efforts to visit the Demon King. He hadn’t killed the children, just hurt them… that was kind of him. Kind, and also cruel. He’d hurt them, knowing full well that they couldn’t hurt him in return. Not much, anyway. They couldn’t kill him, because if they did their master would die. Kami always spoke about truth and fairness, but he seemed to have no issue with playing an unfair hand against his own kin. What a hypocrite. If only King Piccolo could slay him… “You visit my palace on Halloween and you don’t even bring me a gift?” King Piccolo smirked. “How rude of you. This is my night, you know.” “Halloween was here long before you. Why must you take everything?” Kami hissed.

He approached the demon king, and glared at him. He wanted to kill him… but he couldn’t. Not without ending his own life… and he didn’t have a chance anyway. Piccolo was surrounded by guards; they would knock Kami out and tie him up before he got a chance to lay a finger upon their father. They weren’t the brightest of beings, but they were fast, and they could fight. They wouldn’t let any harm come to their king, so it was pointless to even try.

Kami let out a sigh, and pulled a bottle of liquor from the front of his robe. “You can have this, on the condition that you stop your army. Just for tonight.” “Why tonight?” King Piccolo questioned. “It is Halloween… it’s not good to die on this night.” Kami replied. “There are already enough spirits in the air. The dead are trying to find their way home. I don’t want them to get lost in the crowd.” “Tch. Find their way home? You believe that shit?” King Piccolo snorted, and took a sip of his bloody drink. “When someone is dead, they’re dead. They don’t visit on Halloween. Why would they want to?” He smirked. “When they can have fun in Hell?” “They don’t all go to Hell though, do they? The ones you kill are stuck in Limbo forever. They can’t visit.” Kami seethed. “I’m asking you, Piccolo. Just for tonight… don’t make it difficult for those who can.” “Tch.” King Piccolo downed his drink, and sneered. “Forget it. My children are having fun, I’m having a good time… why would I end all that for some cheap liquor, and a bullshit superstition?” “Bullshit, is it?” Kami questioned. “I believe it.” “Of course you do. You’re naïve, and foolish.” King Piccolo taunted. “You would believe anything.”

Kami paused for a moment, before turning his attention to the minions at King Piccolo’s side. “May I speak with you master alone?”

They didn’t reply to him. Instead, they looked at King Piccolo, unsure of what to do. King Piccolo didn’t really care much for what Kami had to say… but curiosity got the better of him all the same. He nodded at them, grating them permission to leave… and when he was alone with Kami, he looked at him. “Well?” he demanded. “… I’ll wait with you.” Kami spoke. “If you call off tonight.” “Wait with me?” King Piccolo snorted. “What are you talking about?” “… Even when we were one being, we didn’t believe the same things.” Kami spoke. “But… we shared some things. I believe the spirits of the dead return to their loved ones on Halloween. I’m not saying you do as well, but… perhaps you are curious?” His face softened, and he looked sincere… and King Piccolo became unnerved. “Don’t tell me there isn’t a reason you lit that candle.”

King Piccolo moved his eyes, to a pumpkin on the windowsill. There was a candle lit inside it. Just one pumpkin, and a single candle. … Tch. It meant nothing. “It’s Halloween.” He growled. “The kids did that. I had nothing to do with it.” “Your children inherit their memories from you. And… I believe their feelings as well.” Kami spoke. “… I think they were hoping they would find us.” He looked at King Piccolo, so sincerely… and though his eyes were sad, there was a small smile upon his lips. A smile that unsettled King Piccolo even more. “I’ll wait with you, if you call off tonight. I’ll stay here until the morning… I… lit a candle myself. In hope that –” “Whoever sent us here left us to die.” King Piccolo snarled. “And perhaps they are dead themselves, I don’t care. But they won’t visit. That candle means nothing. You’re wasting your time. Now…” He outstretched his arm, and swiped the liquor from Kami’s hand. “Get out of here, before I throw you in the prison. I didn’t need you in good condition, I just need you alive. You ought to remember that.” “… Happy Halloween.” Kami growled, angered by King Piccolo’s refusal to cooperate. But, if he was honest, he hadn’t expected anything else. He turned his back, and left the room. Then when he had gone, King Piccolo opened the liquor, and took a large swig. It wasn’t bad, actually… Not as good as human blood, but still… it was sweet.

He let out a sigh, and turned his gaze back to the candle, all too aware of it now that Kami had pointed it out. He stared at it, for a long moment… and in sudden anger, he threw his hand around the pumpkin and crushed it in his palm, extinguishing the flame.

#king piccolo #piccolo daimao #kami #halloween #katas #myfics #dragonball z

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charcolor · 6 years

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Exorcism (Creep-P ft. Cyber Diva) Significance

creep-p talked about the significance of his song “exorcism” on his livestream on thursday and i think it’s really important to know about especially if you like the song so i wanted to make a transcript of what he said for anyone who missed the stream, it’s under the cut bc it’s a long story

TRIGGER WARNING FOR DOMESTIC ABUSE AND MENTIONS OF PEDOPHILIA

[...] so...I ended up having a meltdown. A huge meltdown, um, about someone trying to get, about someone who...really messed me up. And this person was constantly coming back in my head, so...I vented through lyrics, and I used Exorcism as the base. And next thing I know, I wrote lyrics to Exorcism, but they were a little different, so I tweaked them a little bit to be able to make them fit with the Exorcist theme. [...] So, now...I think the question still remains of, what is Exorcism even about?

So this is where it’s gonna get a little dark. And by a little I mean very. Um, heh, this is the part I’m gonna cry at, so...before the stream, before anything...I didn’t want to...I didn’t want to go in blind. So...everything I’m gonna say has been confirmed since of, as of yesterday. Um...I’m gonna cry, like talking about this does make me cry, so...it’s fine, I understand, but people have to understand, like, how serious I am about Exorcism, like how much it means to me. Um...so, I got confirmed everything yesterday, by someone who was in the situation, or was around the situation when it was happening. Fuck, I’m like shaking...um, so...I am a survivor of a lot of domestic abuse. Um...moreso mental and sexual than physical. Um...I’m gonna be revealing a lot of information...so, bear with me...so...

When I was...um, sixteen...I was on a website called--it was a website, I used to be a roleplayer on there, and it was great. It wasn’t like MySpace, it was like something similar to MySpace, but...so I had met someone through there. Mind you, I’m still trying to figure out who I am...and I met someone who roleplayed a character I really liked. And...I had already been having issues...um, so, I’m talking to this person...and, we hit it off, relatively quick...so...I think you could finally figure out that this song is about this person, so... [...] For those who don’t know--well, so this happened about, so we’re in 2018...this happened about seven years ago, this happened about seven years ago. So I was sixteen. And...I felt very unattractive, I felt all, all this. So, then, of course me and this person hit it off. And...let’s just say, if they would’ve found out how old he was, he would have gone to jail. He...was...significantly older than I was. Um...was significantly older. And...so...there was a lot of things that happened, that I don’t wanna share on stream, mainly because it was a bit...mm. But...he lied, about...a lot of things, including... [He was interrupted by a really nice donation message and he started to cry.]

So, um...so...um...I got out of the relationship, or, I thought I did. This person started making multiple accounts, and started to...stalk me. He was stalking me. I don’t know how long. It finally was made obvious to me it was him when I was talking to them and they started bringing him up a lot, and I realized that was him. And once I said, “I want nothing to do with this man, fuck him,” he stopped talking to me. He...messed up so much for me, that you guys don’t understand. The way I talk, and the way I talk about relationships, like you guys... [...] so much happened. And...so much has happened, and, um...later on...I get a lot of confirmation about a lot of the things, and...he had lied, about...a lot of things. He wasn’t who he really was, and I had never been so shocked in my entire life, I was seventeen when I realized who he was. I almost brought him to prom. I remember this, he asked me...he asked me, like, “oh...can I come, I wanna come, and go to your prom!” And I...was too nervous...and, I...I wasn’t, I told him, like, “I’m not sure if I’m going,” then we broke up and then I realized everything about this and I had never felt so relieved in my life that he doesn’t know my information or where I live.

So...he lied...about such a significant amount of things that I couldn’t believe people lied about. He said he got in some motorcycle accident and was sent to ICU and the people I was talking to was his family. That wasn’t his family. He...he lied about being in ICU, being in an accident, and being so heavily...so heavily, like, medicated, he lied about all that. And now looking back at it now, it was really, like, why would you lie about that? Like, all of this, all of this is just like, why would you lie about any of this? [...] It gets worse. Um...he catfished me, he wasn’t who he was. I, to this day, do not know what he looks like. I don’t know what he looks like. I don’t wanna know what he looks like. I never wanna know what he looks like. Never. I don’t know if he goes by he, I don’t know if he goes by they, I don’t know anymore. I don’t know. And, I wanna stay, leave it that way. I don’t wanna know.

And..it gets even worse from there, because...I’m a very forgiving person. Very forgiving. I could’ve forgave a lot. Catfishing, not so much, because it’s just like, why are you fucking catfishing, you’re dumb. Don’t, if you, if you end up finding who it is, don’t go to him. That’s it.

God, this was the last thing, and it broke me...um, when I figured it out, I was...he...so, back then, I was very, I was a person who was really confident about his hair. I loved my hair so much, and I thought I had nice hair, which I did, I did have very nice hair! And I also was like a scene kid, so I was just like, I really liked having my hair. So...he, um...he lied, about something very serious. And this is the one thing I hope my friend didn’t, shouldn’t have confirmed for me, which was, um...he lied about having cancer. He lied, about having cancer. He lied...about who he was, he lied about everything. He lied about so much. He...he stalked me, he...almost had all my information, he lied about such serious things.

And...so when I was having...the breakdown, about this whole situation...he...that whole situation was playing through my mind and I thought it was a nightmare. I didn’t want to deal with it again, so I wrote Exorcism. And that’s why Exorcism means so much to me. And then...like I said, like, the date even had a reason...today was the day that I thought he was gonna come back. I thought he was gonna come back because he’s still friends with someone I used to be friends with and once I figured that out I blocked them immediately. This was originally my Halloween upload...and then...and then, like, that happened, and as a way of retaliation...I was like, I don’t want him near me get him away from me get him away form me, like, I don’t want him near me. I don’t want him near me, tell him to get the fuck away from me. I...was so dissociated and freaking out, like, you can ask every single one of my friends, two years ago I was freaking out over this.

And then I uploaded Exorcism, right away...and then everyone had such a positive reaction to Exorcism...people don’t understand how much that meant to me...people didn’t understand how much that meant to me...I thought everyone was gonna hate it! I thought everybody was gonna hate it! And it ended up being one of my, one of the most beloved songs that I’ve ever written and I can’t say thank you enough! Thank you so much! Thank you! It validated so much for me, like you guys just don’t understand...you guys don’t understand how much that validated everything that I’ve done, everything that I went through and everything that...I stood for, and no one understands how much, when I saw, that people really like Exorcism, and...I had never been...so messed up over a situation...and to have fucking, like...a huge community back me up and be like, no, like, we love this song, we love you, we...you guys have no idea how much it meant to me. It’s currently at 3.2 million views, and I’m still in shock, I think, like, every day, like, I don’t deserve this amount of attention for this one song. And...the fact that this got so much attention...that, that got me all the way fucked up. It got me all the way fucked up, and people don’t understand, still, like, “why’s Exorcism so much to you?” It’s because it was about someone who fucked up my life!

There was so much I couldn’t do! I was so scared of relationships, shit, I’m still scared of the one I’m in, not because, the person I’m with is a horrible person, he’s an amazing person...but I don’t want a repeat! I’m so scared, every day! And...so...before, um...so, October eighteenth, was originally just any one normal day, but the minute i knew he was gonna come back, that was...my day of retaliation, my day of “you’re not getting near me again, you’re nowhere getting near me again,” and I know for a fact he knows about this song, and he knows this is about him, and I want to let him know fuck you, I hate you, I want you beat, I want you to be so far into the ground. I want you to stay away from me. There’s so much that this man has done, and I don’t want him anywhere near me. The minute I find him, the minute I know who is he, who he is, and if he’s near me, we’re throwing rounds! We’re throwing rounds!

That’s why i speak up for so many people who have been abused, and I feel so bad for so, for so many people that I haven’t spoken up for, because I could’ve made some type of difference, because if I didn’t speak my dumb ass up the time I did, I might’ve been in the same situation I was, seven years ago. [...] And...whenever people say...whenever people say...they were abused, or they were this and they were that, you gotta listen to them. You need to listen to them. You need to listen to them. There’s no, why, there’s no way in hell, this is not something people want, this is not something people want, it’s not. But what i do want is to let y’all know, hey! Stop! Stop! Listen to the person that’s freaking out! Why are they freaking out? Listen to the people who have been abused, listen to those people. There’s obviously a reason why they’re freaking out over this one person, there’s a reason. And I messed up so many times and I was the person who didn’t listen.

#vocaloid #creep-p #domestic abuse

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the-fandom-newsletter · 6 years

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Fandom Newsletter #4

Today is Friday, the 26th of October, and Welcome back to another Fandom Newsletter!

Writers: Atlas, Blackpurrl, Fyne, YoursTruly Editors: Fyne and YoursTruly

“Oh my God, Karen! You can’t just ask people why they’re white.” ~Mean Girls

Let’s get started!

First to YoursTruly with the Horror, Hannibal, Tim Burton, Animation, and Gaming fandoms--

Horror: Horror fans love the new Halloween movie! The movie has been a massive success among fans young and old! The movie gives off a nostalgic vibe, even referencing the older movies several times throughout the film. However, if you’re going to see this movie, stay until after the credits, there’s a little surprise at the end.

Hannibal: The Fannibals have began trying to bargain with show runner and producer Bryan Fuller for another season. The show left off on a not so satisfying conclusion, and many fans want more. Bryan Fuller has even teased the idea himself quite a few times. Will we get another season one day? Guess we’ll have to wait and see.

Tim Burton: Disney is offering, throughout the month of October, Halloween themed cruises. They even offer an onboard show featuring Jack Skellington and Sally. And you can even meet these characters for pictures! Now that’s a cruise! Also- The Nightmare Before Christmas celebrates its 25th anniversary this year!

YouTube: YouTube recently crashed worldwide for two hours. YouTube hasn’t said much about the incident, but problems like this are becoming more and more common on YouTube. Many people are wondering what the causes of these issues are.

Animation: Goretober is in full swing! Many animators have been uploading their daily Goretober art.

Gaming: The season of scary game releases is upon us! October is the month where many creators on platforms like Steam and Gamejolt are releasing their horror games in anticipation for Halloween.

Now to Blackpurrl with the Harry Potter and Bands fandoms, along with World News--

Harry Potter: Countdown to Fantastic Beasts: 27 days!

Bands: Did you know, about twelve hours of songs are uploaded to SoundCloud every minute? Insane!

World News: Denmark Shooting for the Digital Stars

Next to Fyne with the Sherlock, Supernatural, and Spooptober fandoms, as well as the weekly positive news--

Sherlock - Ever wonder how our beloved show even came to be? Apparently, for years, writers Steven Moffat and Mark Gatiss took a train to and from Cardiff while working on Doctor Who, and discussed various projects they were interested in doing. One that kept coming up repeatedly was a modern-day adaptation of Sherlock Holmes. This reportedly went on for some time (with neither man making any particular effort to get it up and going) until Moffat’s wife, Sue, invited both men out for lunch. Her place of choice just so happened to be the Criterion, a watering hole and eatery in London’s Piccadilly Circus. It just so happens to be the same place where the fictional John Watson (Sherlock’s best friend) first hears of the famed detective. The two men got the hint and began working on the series, bringing us our show that we have today. I think we all owe Sue a little bit of a thank you, don’t you?

Supernatural - Did you notice that (according to Archangel Michael in the episode The Song Remains the Same) Dean and Sam come from the bloodline of Cain and Abel? So is this important? Or is this just another coincidence?

Spooptober - This year is the year that Halloween movie Hocus Pocus reaches its 25th anniversary. The premise of the movie is this: After moving to Salem, Massachusetts, teenager Max Dennison explores an abandoned house with his sister Dani and their new friend, Allison. After dismissing a story Allison says is superstitious, Max accidentally frees a coven of evil witches who used to live in the house. Now, with the help of a magical cat, the kids must steal the witches' book of spells to stop them from becoming immortal.A family favorite movie that almost everyone has seen and that is playing on at least one channel nearly every night of October. If you haven’t seen this iconic movie, you definitely should go channel surfing at some point this month.

Positive News - The words we use to talk about mental health can perpetuate stigmas. A new portrait project featuring people who have mental health issues aims to make us think again about the language we choose.

Lastly to Atlas with the Voltron, Musicals, and Movie fandoms--

Voltron: This fandom is a ticking time bomb set for December 14th. We are all going to die.

Musicals: George Salazar ships Boyf-riends!

Movies: Who else wants a live action Corpse Bride?

Now back to Blackpurrl with the weekly movie review--

Movie Review: Hannibal Rising

This movie relays the story of Hannibal Lecter’s childhood. Although most of the especially gory parts are not on camera, the viewer eventually knows exactly what became of the victim. It provides an interesting plot, and explains why the famous cannibal does what he does. I would not recommend this movie to anyone under thirteen or anyone who cannot handle tragic stories. Overall, I’d give it a 10/10.

And back to Fyne with the weekly trivia fact and quiz--

Trivia Fact - Did you know that the inventor of liquid soap became paralyzed after he slipped in the shower?

Are you an optimist, a pessimist, or a realist?

1. You fail a test. What is your reaction?

A. I'm stupid. I’m going to fail my exams.

B. This was just a blip. I’ll do better next time.

C. The questions were too hard. This is where my abilities stand.

2. You have quit smoking, but you accidentally have a cigarette. Which of the following is your reaction?

A. You have been set back, so you just go right back into the addiction.

B. You have been set back, but you believe you can quit again.

C. You have been set back, so you come up with ways to avoid similar circumstances that led you to the set back.

3. You are shown a picture of a man who isn’t smiling. What do you think this man is feeling/doing?

A. The man is plotting, rude, or experiencing something unpleasant.

B. The man is relaxing, thinking, or did not have enough time to smile.

C. The man is posing for the picture.

4. A close friend of yours sets you up on a blind date. How do you feel about this?

A. You have no clue what your date is like and you are afraid they’re going to set you up with a complete loser.

B. You have faith in their opinion and want to see for yourself what your date is going to be like.

C. You decide to see what your date is like and decide for yourself how well your friend did.

5. You’re a business owner who goes bankrupt. How do you proceed?

A. You see this failure as a sign that you are not meant to be in this business and pursue other options.

B. You see this failure as a lesson and use it to help you further your business in future reference.

C. You see this failure as a sign and choose to make plans to pull yourself out of bankruptcy.

6. You get a raise. How do you feel about it?

A. You don’t understand why you got the raise and you wonder if there is an ulterior motive.

B. You accept the raise happily, glad that your hard work has finally been recognized.

C. Yay! More money!

7. You’re an accountant and today you made a mistake with a number. What is your reaction?

A. You figure out where you went wrong, and then feel horrible about it for a long time afterward, questioning your abilities and worthiness as an accountant.

B. You figure out where you went wrong, fix it, and move forward.

C. You recognize the mistake and move on.

8. You have a bad day. Which of these is you after the day is over?

A. You believe that your life has been full of hardship and negative experiences.

B. You see the bad days as part of your life that help you grow or benefit you in some way.

C. Recognize that you had a bad day, and resolve to try again tomorrow.

9. You are struggling with groceries and someone comes to help you. How do you respond?

A. You become suspicious, tell them that you have nothing to give them, and maybe even yell at them to leave you alone.

B. You thank them and talk about their day or ask them about themselves.

C. You politely say thank you and either accept or decline their help.

10. You go on a vacation. Which of these is you?

A. Complain about everything you do and could potentially do, and eventually wind up not wanting to do anything at all but watch TV in the hotel room.

B. You want to experience as much as the location has to offer, even though you had no plans about what to do.

C. You enjoy the vacation and plan extensively about what you want to do and when.

Mostly A’s: You appear to be a pessimist. Always seeing the bad and negative in everything probably isn’t helping you be any happier or lead a happier life. Try and maybe appreciate things more often.

Mostly B’s: You appear to be an optimist. Always seeing the good and positive is probably helping you be fairly happy, and even leading to a happier life style. Though try not to be too optimistic all the time because it may end up hurting you in the long run.

Mostly C’s: You appear to be a realist. I guess you’re sort of a neutral character. Good for you.

(This isn’t physiologically proven, its literally just a test I made up in my free time so don’t take the results to heart and please do not be offended)

And finally, back to YoursTruly with the weekly book review--

Book Review- The Life Of P.T. Barnum is a fantastic book for anyone who loves a good biography. The book is a wildly entertaining autobiography by P.T. Barnum about his own life, starting from his childhood and following him through all his adventures. All in all, a fantastic book. 10/10

Wish our illustrator and writer Blackpurrl a happy birthday today! Comic is brought to you by our very talented artist, Blackpurrl. That’s all for this week, we’ll see you next week with another Fandom Newsletter!

Signing off,

Atlas, Blackpurrl, Fyne, and YoursTruly

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leanna-kay421 · 4 years

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Who am i? What am I about?

I'm Leanna, I grew up in a smal town called erwin and have all together five siblings. Two I grew up with In my childhood. Two I met in the beginning of my teen years. the other I only had contact with twice. But it wasnt a close knit cozy envirement I grew up in. It's kind of a bitter sweet thing. All those are different stories for another time. As of right now I'm Introducing myselfl.

I'm 25 I am in a committed rlationship with my amazing boyfriend. Who I believe is one of my soulmates. we currently live with my sister and are going to be getting a car and our own place soon. as for my career it's pretty much me being myself. It took a long journey for me to get where I am today. Ive fought to climb up to the top. Only to fall down on my butt plenty of times. Needless to say it wasn't easy.

As a child I found I loved to write and sing I was into fashion. I wanted to grow up and write my music and sing it. I loved to be dressed up in different kinds of styles with clothes , makeup, and hair. I was a creative person I am a creative person. wanting to be a singer stuck with me till I was told that it wasn't realistic. so I put my dreams on the back burner. I'm a nurturing person so I decided I wanted to own my own daycare one day. Then I dropped out of high school got married and then decided I'd just be a stay at home wife and mom. the marriage ended up being toxic and once again i put my dreams on the back burner. Untill I was 21 i just got this gut feeling telling me that there was something more out there. I wasn't sure what but it was something. I started doing research on owning your own business. I realized that being my own boss was something I'd like to do. I wanted to be able to be creative and work on things I loved. At that point I wasn't in a good place mentally, spiritually, and physically. But something was telling me it was time to get up and do something with my life. I tried some company that pretty much was a sham. I signed up to be an Amazon affiliate. that didn't work out. I even got o wordpress to create a blog. I didn't know what to do. I had so many creative ideas flowing through. It was as if I was going through some kind of awakening at the time. I just didn't know what to do. I started to want to write again. I started wanting to sing again. I started to want to be creative with fashion again. My blogging site just wasn't going anywhere. so I started writing songs and recording me singing. I started looking at different beauty influencer jobs to try out. I looked into avon and Mary Kay. I then decided I was going to go for avon. I started watching YouTube videos and training and prepping myself for it. I wanted to do something with jewelry so I started looking into paparazzi jewelry. I started wanting to write books again so I started to do some research on how to self publish. I decided I wanted to start uploading music to iTunes. I was scattered but trying to get somewhere. Eventually I finally decided that leaving my marriage was best. Not long after that I finally got into therapy. And started getting back in touch with my spiritual side. I started looking into what my life purpose was and doing a lot of soul searching. It honestly was a very emotional experience. But I found my calling I was sent here to help others and make a difference in the world. I didn't know how but I knew that it was time to figure out how.

I made a YouTube and started making pick a card readings. I made a Facebook group to do daily messages. I made a facebook page to make blogs. I know again with the blogs. I made an Instagram for my page and group. I eventually deleted my YouTube and Facebook page. The group is still there just not active. I learned that doing weekly readings and daily messages for a group of people was a little draining. I learned I needed to ground myself and that I still had some self work to be doing before I jump into something. I was being told that when it was time I’d know what I was supposed to do. So I did just that, then my other sister starts working for this buisness. Something drew me towards asking her about it. So I did, I liked what I heard and I felt pulled to do it.

I am someone who’s meant to shed light into the world. I am also a beauty influencer and I love it. It allows me to express myself and not only just post selfie’s and promote products. I write blogs of inspiration and advice from personal experiences. I do energy readings for the collective sometimes. I do readings for people if they want it. I post funny and inspirational quotes. I love being able to help people it’s been a slow progress but I’m finally on my way to where I wanna be. I now know it’s my voice and creatively that’s meant to help and heal others.

These are some Halloween inspired photos. Keep in mind that I’m no makeup artist. And don’t have the best lighting at the moment. Just a women expressing herself. ❤️❤️❤️

If you are interested in the products I do sell. Or want more information in general. Don’t hesitate to ask any questions. I’ll be glad to answer. Just sign up under my name and you can choose to be a customer or an influencer yourself. Much love to y’all have a bessed whatever time zone you may be in at this time. ❤️❤️❤️

#beauty #makeup #self work #inspiration

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finsterhund · 4 years

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Exhaustion and updates

Hoping it's just an issue on twitch's end or the ISP but my test stream had the occasional drop of frames and freezing for half a second. No issues to me but it was present in the VOD.

Really hoping that's not a thing that is going to occur commonly.

Might want to see about getting better upload speed.

But yeah. Expect an update on my computer soon. I've been very busy and very sore and tired from doing errands, setting up my computer (it's a heavy boy) and tons of stuff. Laundry tomorrow and I'm still sore from all the lifting and running around so I'll be out of it for a while still.

I'll be posting photos and stuff. I'm very proud.

I was and still am so anxious about my computer being okay. I'm paranoid about that sorta stuff. There were some hiccups and troubleshooting and I'm sad I didn't get the no CD patch of Heart of Darkness working on it, but it is happy and healthy now.

Spot from my friend arrived too. The black fur on the back is damaged somehow which means not as soft and also shedding. Upsets me a lot but maybe that's a reason to get this Spot a service dog vest.

Also not big enough to be the proposed "giant Spot" but large enough to take on trips and stuff. Good for hugs. So good for hugs. Second favourite Spot after the OG Cuddle Clone Spot.

My computer is a handsome machine. So many lights and fans. Graphics card has lights and fans, heatsink has lights and fan, etc.

Also my friend finally gave me his old monitor officially for real this time. Because I bought it off him. So I actually have space on my desk.

I also fixed my chair. It's still loud and squeaky and broken but at least the back stays up again.

Expect some crisp HoD footage soon. Planning a high resolution death scene video. It's a long time coming.

Also planning to use the absolute beast of a computer to get back into Minecraft and start playing Among Us with friends. I can't tell health wise if I'll be able to finally get into 3D modeling but perhaps. Especially if I can get a new chair or start physiotherapy.

I discovered a way that twitter is broken. If you report tweets for abuse towards you/targeted harassment and twitter decides that the tweets were abuse and against the rules but doesn't think that justifies terminating the entire account, the person who made those tweets is told specifically which ones they were and has their account locked until they manually delete them.

In case you're wondering, yes, that does absolutely inspire them to immediately go right back to targeting the person who got them a slap on the wrist.

Like, if twitter just temporarily banned them and deleted the tweets without explaining which ones they were that would be fine, but not temp banning them and just locking their accounts until they delete the offending tweets literally does nothing except open up the person harassed to more harassment.

Nobody who gets away with harassment and keeps their account is gonna say "uh oh, twitter shook its finger at me I better leave this guy alone."

No wonder the site is so toxic. Not even Tumblr moderation was this horrendous.

Back to positives, I'm hoping once I'm no longer physically and mentally exhausted to start drawing some more again. Maybe with my chair fixed it'll be easier.

A Paper Beast unfolded edition stream is on the horizon, as are HoD speedrunning practice streams. That'll be a good way to iron out whatever weird freezing thing happens.

Now that I no longer am putting away money for my computer I hope to get back to commissioning art. I've sorta lost the drive for it due to my physical and emotional health.

I'm hoping to be more active with friends in the coming months, even though seasonal depression has already started to punch me in the gut.

They already have christmas stuff out. Walmart didn't even have halloween stuff this year they just went straight to christmas. All I can think about when reminded of the holiday is how it's the reason my last dog is dead. I have absolutely no reason to get into any sort of festivities this year and I am dreading how the corporate world is going to smother me with it in a way that is unavoidable.

Don't think I'm even going to celebrate the Winter Solstice this year. It just feels wrong.

Friends are already talking about doing their shopping and getting gifts and I'm walking past the isles in the stores and it just hurts. Just wish this year could just be fall and then spring. No winter.

I know this year is tough for everyone so I don't want to ruin whatever comfort my friends may be getting from the holiday, but it's a painful reminder to me and I was already avoidant of christmas on account of celebrating the Solstice instead. Before I could celebrate christmas with friends who did and had my own fun surrounding it but now all I can think about is how the last light of my life died of a preventable respiratory infection because the emergency vet office was closed. I'm the one who should have died of respiratory issues. That's what I'm predisposed to. Not her. It's one of the most horrific ways to die and I'd only ever wish it on my worst enemies. How many times have I scraped by from viral pneumonia and everything else and when my Zippy gets kennel cough for no fucking reason they just fucking kill her without telling me.

The thing is, the Spot photos are from Christmas so I wish I could just associate it with Spot instead but no.

I meant for this post to be positive primarily but in writing this out I think I've pinpointed why the seasonal depression is so hard on me right now.

My friend and I are going to be watching horror movies in costume on Halloween eating candy so I'm looking forward to that.

A green apple scented Spot is also coming from Lilsprout (same person who made Penumbra) so that's something good to look forward to as well.

I may try weighting and scenting my new Spot who I'm planning to get a service dog vest for. Also if anyone knows how to fix heat damaged fake fur fabric please let me know.

I just wish I could ignore christmas. It's such an alienating and depressing holiday if your loved ones are dead and you feel alone and hopeless.

I've started taking melatonin and it is really helping me sleep. Apparently it causes very lucid dreams. The first night I took it I had a lucid dream that was like I was awake but not. Briefly the new Spot lying beside me shifted into being Zippy (her specifically, not Spot) and I felt such a profound comfort as if she had visited me. I feel that's what Red Spot originally felt like when I was little, thinking this imaginary dog was Spot visiting me.

Was sad when I finally woke up though. Tried to do the thing where I stayed in the dream but my back pain got too bad and I had to get up.

Once I've done the laundry tomorrow and had some time to rest I'm sure I'll be more active online again. I hope. Will is streaming the Seventh Brother on the 30th so a bunch of friends are finally going to see the movie that the tired and weak crying puppy is from.

I don't really have any tasks out of my house to do right now except maybe some more groceries in a couple weeks. Of course my desire to go to thrift stores is ever present. I help buy gas so I should get to go lmao.

Think I'll listen to upbeat music now and then take my medicine. Hopefully less serious updates in the future soon.

For now my test stream is still available in VOD form on my twitch http://www.twitch.tv/finsterhund and I'm planning to upload it to YouTube later.

Take care of yourselves, and if you see stuffed dogs I'm your travels that look like Spot... I am interested. 👀

#text post #negative #long post #update

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scyre · 6 years

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ayy its ya girl c! i’ve done up a little draft with the slight changes that were made now that we’re living in the moden au!! please read more for ... more.

DESMOND SAYRE

monty might not love social media and technological advances but they changed his life. his family still sucked, always grasping for power and rejecting change, but at least he didn’t feel as alone... not when he could text his friends and get immediate answers back from them. not having the time to dwell and sink in self pity really helped him.

ya boy also didn’t have to live his life thinking something was wrong with him bc he wasn’t sexually attracted to people like he was supposed to. he had access to google, he learned what asexuality and the spectrum was, and he knew more about himself and didn’t have to just ... not know. i think this made him sleep around less, get to know people a bit more, and while he’s still not an open kind of guy he didn’t really date much. it did however mean he stayed with laurel way longer than he should have... put up with way more crazy than he would have in the past.

he has instagram but never posts. seriously, he has one post from a year ago. he does like things though and is always commenting on posts. sometimes nice, sometimes not. he doesn’t have facebook, twitter, youtube, or snapchat. he thinks the snapchat filters are dumb and ruin perfectly good pictures. he also hates selfies and thinks they’re dumb. why does he even have insta? it’s probably the only way to stay up to date on hogwarts gossip.

i do think because everything online can be so negative, and escalate so quickly, monty never would have came out and admitted that he was bisexual/demisexual except to the people he’s told in canon. it’s still something he plans on taking to his grave and obliviating out of anyone who knew. the gay shame is real. get a grip boy.

i think he’s definitely got the aesthetic of like... the guy with gauges in his ears, maybe he has his eyebrow pierced, and he definitely still has the nipple piercing. i think he probably has more tattoos, exclusively wears leather jackets, combat boots, and ripped jeans, and wears a lot of plain colored shirts or black shirts. he still loves black. he will always love black. he wears a lot of it.

he hasn’t appropriated a lot of muggle culture into his day to day. i feel like he only got a phone in the last year and is awful at remembering to check it. it’s probably an older model too because he didn’t care what they gave him and it’s slate grey with no case because he lives on the edge. yolo. he doesn’t have any muggle cars or anything like that but he definitely has a netflix account and television because why not. his favorite show would probably be something like the good place.

ya boy still flunked out of hogwarts because that’s just how his life goes. he’s repeating his final year and you bet ya ass people tweeted about THAT for awhile. we love vague tweeting.

PHOENIX VASQUEZ

phoenix’s childhood is still relatively the same; he was adopted by the vasquez family. however, adopting wasn’t as easy as it had been back in the day because lycanthropy wasn’t as frowned upon in this decade as it would have been before. while people didn’t love it, it wasn’t something that meant no other family was interested, or other people weren’t willing to bend red tape. which means nix didn’t move around as much as a kid because his parents were able to keep working at their jobs in the states!! they only moved to the UK when he was fifteen as his grandmother was sick. so basically he moved to and started going to hogwarts in year 5 instead of year 1.

personality wise, nix is very similar. he’s still very awkward, very quiet, and is a genuinely nice person to everyone he meets. he’s more often about his lycanthropy as his parents never begged him to keep it a secret and it’s not uncommon for him to be making werewolf jokes at his own expense. he thinks it’s funny.

technology!! nix loves snapchat. he’s not huge on technology bc he’s kind of a hipster -- he still uses ballpoint pens and notebooks, doesn’t own a computer and only has a dinky phone that texts and calls. no data. he can only use snapchat when he’s near a wifi hotspot so you’ll sometimes see him getting frustrated with his phone when it starts buffering and flopping. he DOES borrow a friend’s computer to upload podcasts though because he’s a podcaster!!! he has a podcast called ‘howlcast’ and he does reviews of mainstream media depictions of werewolves and compares them to the reality. he also interviews lycanthropy specialists, advocates, and famous lycanthropes to talk about the werewolf experience. he kind of loves it?? he puts out an episode a week and does a Q&A on twitter straight after the episode goes up for any fans of the podcast.

nix doesn’t have a luxury broom or any of those fancy toys that the rich kids usually sport. he likes his regular ‘ol magical broomstick and doesn’t think a suped up car is something that he needs in his life. he good.

modern 2018 phoenix also died his hair a bluey teal color! he thought it was fun and tbh he is living his best life.

LAUREL DIAN

laurel’s family aspire to be the kardashians. they have a b level reality show, think something on tlc so they have their little cult following that laurel l o v e s. she loves the attention and loves the perks that come with it.

her aesthetic is probably like.. forever 21 / hipster / hippe chick. she wears a lot of crop tops, high waisted skirts, floral prints, lace, etc. everything .. and i mean everything ... is accentuated with red lipstick. that’s her aesthetic x 100. she has an iphone with a bedazzled phone case and probably drives a really compact car. her broom would be luxury too and she’s definitely on tinder select looking for cute boys (or girls) to bring home with her.

as for social media.. she has her hand in a lot of different platforms. she prefers facebook over most of the other ones. she also loves pinterest and is always pinning home decor ideas, cooking ideas, etc. she’s a feminist and sjw when it comes to twitter. it’s not uncommon to see her beefing with someone on twitter because they’re trolling or being rude/racist/sexist/etc. she loves tearing people a new asshole when they decide to spread their hate online. fuck off trolly boys.

she’s been in two high profile relationships in her life. the first was with monty sayre and that was a fucking nightmare. a lot of their relationship was caught on screen and its cringey whenever people tweet her pictures of monty and his new fiancee, or share photos of the two of them from when they were together. she might have dumped him but that doesn’t mean that she wants to be reminded of it all the time

she still works with dragons and they are frequently featured on her instagram, snapchat, and on the show. some of them even have their own little cult followings. its weird but kind of beautiful,

PIPPA CARSTAIRS

pippa being born in the 2000′s is the best thing that ever happened to her. truly. britney? christina? pink? oh my god she’s living. she loves pop music, loves concerts, and has a passion for professional cheerleading bc it's a legitimate sport now y’all! it’s her dream to be a professional cheerleader. maybe in the magical world if quidditch has them now?? we just dont know.

her aesthetic is blair waldorf chic. maybe a little more revealing. she definitely still wears heels, ignores dress codes, and always has her hair straightened perfectly. she is very very good with makeup -- think contouring and all that jazz. she looks like a million bucks literlly every day. it’s incredible.

pippa has a luxury car. i’m thinking it’s probably an suv?? she definitely would want something bigger and not your typical girly girl car. i’m thinking a black cadillac escalade. she doesn’t have a broom bc she still hates flying and heights. fuck that shit. as for technology, she’s got it all -- snapchat, twitter, instagram, youtube, etc. she also definitely has a youtube channel dedicated to beauty tutorials and has thousands of dedicated viewers. she’s done everything from contouring, costume make-up, etc. her channel is especially popular around halloween as she does a special called ‘the twelve days of pippaween’ where she does different costume makeup every day for 12 days. her most popular to date is ursula from the little mermaid! she also definitely has the latest iphone, macbook, etc, and it’s probably all rose gold. she’s a rose gold girl.

currently in the middle of an instagram war with her ex boyfriend. they’re both shady as fuck with their vague posting on finstas and it’s mESSY. we love a good mess!!!!! (this good be a good wanted connection if someone wanted to be her messy ex for the AU!!)

ALARIC ROWLE

i feel like wizards having access to technology changed things significantly for rowle. he was able to track down his birth father’s parents much easier and probably moved back to the UK when he was much younger. he definitely learned more about the war and was drawn into anyone whose narrative reflected what he wanted to hear -- that his parents were martyrs and that the dark lord had been in the right the whole time.

he definitely kept dueling. when his hand acted up, i think he would have been so desperate to fix it that he would have given into muggle medicines and treatments. he probably wears a splint on his wrist and his wandwork isn’t AS quick as it could be but he’s still one of the top duelists in the country. seriously, ya boy was good. him getting to continue being awesome might make him less of a douche. maybe. he definitely competes bc glory and loves every minute of it. a rowle who is less grumpy and super cocky? we stan.

he’s definitely a reddit troll. i feel like there’s a death eaters subreddit or something and he basically lives there and talks to other death eater sympathizers, former, or whatever, and slowly await the return of the ‘great days’. think alt right but .. y’know magical.. ugly.

he still teaches dada bc initially he needed money to pay off some wicked crazy medical bills for all the specialists and acupuncture and weird shit he did to fix his hands. even with the money he earns when he’s duelling, he’s in debt up to his ears.

i think he still has the scars that marr his face though bc as much as he will use splints or salves on his hands he is not gonna fucking undergo plastic surgery in the muggle world. he’d rather choke.

ANSEM WARBECK

ansem warbeck deserves social media. he is living his best life. he is definitely the guy who is constantly using ‘find my iphone’ bc he lost it, has a cracked screen because he forgot to buy the shatterproof screen protector, and changes his netflix password weekly bc he can never remember what it was. he’s also the snapchat king. i’d say he has 100+ streaks with as many people as he can convince to keep it up and he sends angry snaps when you ruin his streaks. they’re like his babies. one time he was running a fever and still managed to make streaks. there’s no excuse.

he still works as a curse breaker but i feel like he’s really like... stepped up gringott’s social media game. i feel like he took it upon himself to get them an instagram and is always uploading picture of whatever ‘cool’ treasure they can find. griphook keeps telling him they’re going to get robbed if he doesn’t stop bragging but ansem never listens.

the warbeck family is probably one of the few that have not acclimated to the technological changes at all. they won’t have anything to do with electricity, social media, or anything of the sort and look down on people that do. so ansem with his luxury brooms and his waffle iron are basically sacreligious to his family and his mom always cries whenever he talks about these things. it’s a whole Thing and just reinforces that arson is the best and ansem is the Worst.

#wizard:modernau2018 #modern au 2018.

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shirlleycoyle · 4 years

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How Ring Transmits Fear to American Suburbs

This is the third of a three-part series, where we’ll explore how Ring transformed from start-up pitch to the technology powering Amazon's privatized surveillance network throughout the United States.

On Halloween 2017, Ring’s servers crashed en masse. The Ring app was nonfunctional. Why? Millions of trick-or-treaters overwhelmed Ring’s servers. Children dressed as ghouls and superheros executed an accidental denial-of-service attack.

Kids are central in Ring’s marketing strategy, and the company even bragged about how many children they surveilled on Halloween this year.

When the company once known as DoorBot relaunched as Ring in 2014, its marketing strategy promptly changed. The convenient “smart home” doorbell butler was gone, reborn as Ring, a home-security product that doesn’t simply sell fear, but sells the idea that the nuclear, suburban family is a delicate, precious thing which needs protection from a hostile world.

In Ring’s advertisements and commercials—which are spread across HGTV, Fox News, podcasts, and social media alike—the company tells the public that it isn’t watching their families, but watching over them. Ring wants customers to think it's the protective father, but not Big Brother.

Although Ring is telling families that they need protection from unsafe neighborhoods, the company is also radically changing what a typical neighborhood is like. Ring has quietly partnered with over 600 police departments around the country and promotes Neighbors, its own neighborhood watch app, where users are supposed to report “suspicious” people.

Ring has also heavily pursued city discount programs and private alliances with neighborhood watch groups. When cities provide free or discounted Ring cameras, they sometimes create camera registries, and police sometimes order people to aim Ring cameras at their neighbors, or only give cameras to people surveilled by neighborhood watches.

We don’t have any substantial proof that towns become safer when Ring enters the picture. But when Ring cameras enter a town, it’s easy for cities to equate surveillance with being a good neighbor.

Inside Ring’s Marketing World

Ring’s marketing materials on YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook are a strange mix of installation instruction videos, testaments to how Ring supposedly reduces crime, and family moments as captured through surveillance cameras. It’s like a combination of America’s Funniest Home Videos, Ellen, and Cops.

In these videos, high schoolers leave for school and say goodbye to their parents. Small children in costumes talk to their parents through the camera intercom. A family plays in the front yard, unknowingly activating the motion-detection feature on the doorbell camera.

Image: Obtained via public record request from Commerce, CA

Ring dedicated a blog post to a video showing a 19-year-old woman leaving for a date. Her dad demanded to interview her date before allowing her to leave the house. The dad made the man repeat, several times, that he would return his adult daughter before her 10:30 p.m. curfew.

These videos sell old-fashioned notions, depicting the typical customer as a nuclear American family with a patriarchal father figure supervising women and children who are unable to protect themselves.

This ethos extends to the influencers that Ring has chosen to sponsor its cameras:. At least a dozen popular Instagram accounts , almost exclusively run by white women, have promoted Ring products, according to Ring’s tagged posts on the platform. They all appear to be mom lifestyle bloggers who favor a Charleston aesthetic of white houses, linen clothes, and Etsy signs that say things like “Hello” or “No Soliciting.”

View this post on Instagram

When you’re paranoid like I am & think every time the doorbell rings it’s a crazy person on the other side (who else pretends like they’re not home & hides when the doorbell rings 😂) you invest in security for peace of mind. Y’all know I love my security cameras so we recently got the @ring so now I know who is coming & going and that makes this Mom feel so much safer! Check out my IG stories for details ❤️ • I just wish I had it a few months ago when my door was shot with silly string 🤷🏼‍♀️ 📷: @chelsearoc

A post shared by Ashley McClellan Houston (@nashvillewifestyles) on Jun 7, 2018 at 7:25am PDT

Ring also has a section of its website called RingTV dedicated to sharing videos hand-picked by the company. RingTV’s Fun & Convenience tab is dedicated to videos like "Goldendoodle Puppy Uses Ring Doorbell."

But aside from all the wholesome family videos and cute puppies, the company also uses the RingTV website to try and prove that its cameras prevent crime.

The Crime Prevention tab shows videos depicting people who "stop crime in its tracks" or catch "strangers in the act." Some of the videos appear to show people apparently considering stealing a package, but not doing so after seeing a Ring camera.

However, it’s unclear how commonplace any of these success stories are. Millions of people own Ring cameras, and the Crime Prevention tab hosts nearly 50 videos.

Image: Screenshot from RingTV

The Neighbors App, and the Racial Politics of Suburbia

Suburban life is at the center of Ring’s marketing materials, and almost all footage that the company shares is captured at suburban homes. This focus says a lot about what Ring is selling, and to whom: Historically, American notions of the suburban, nuclear family have been built upon the exclusion of people of color.

After World War II, white families fled from urban centers and resettled in homogeneous suburban regions. Redlining practices excluded people of color from getting loans and mortgage payments that would allow them to move into the same areas.

Additionally, as Vanderbilt University historian Sarah Igo writes in her book The Known Citizen, Americans associated the sanctity of the suburban home with the right to privacy. Suburbia was meant to be not only a destination of white flight, but a refuge.

Neighbors, Ring’s neighborhood watch app, efficiently encapsulates the mixed politics of privacy within the home and racial exclusion.

The Neighbors app, in its most basic function, allows people to upload footage from Ring products or other security cameras for other users to see. A post can be sorted into one of five categories: crime, safety, suspicious, stranger, unknown visitor, or lost pet. The Neighbors feed consists of these user-submitted posts and bite-sized alerts posted by Ring about possible dangers around town.

The app was launched in May 2018, one month after Amazon finalized the acquisition of Ring. (It wasn’t the company’s first experiment with mobilizing the politics of neighborhood watches to sell their products. In 2017, Ring offered free swag and discounted Ring products to neighborhood watch groups that promoted Ring and agreed to testify against their neighbors in court, if necessary.)

The Neighbors app has since developed a culture that is completely obsessed with crime and the self-policing of neighborhoods, and users often resort to racial profiling. Similar problems exist on the crime-reporting app Citizen and the neighborhood hub app NextDoor. On Neighbors, all posts are dedicated to crime, and three out of the five possible post categories deal with suspicious, strange, or unknown people. These options implicitly encourage people to post about people they don’t trust. In practice, this lack of trust is often racist.

The Aesthetic of Fear on Neighbors

The Neighbors app empowers people to not just watch their neighborhood, but to organize as watchers. Ring markets Neighbors as a “digital neighborhood watch,” which is an accurate description. It encourages people to think about who belongs and who is an outsider. In this way, Neighbors is not just a digital neighborhood watch. It’s a digital gated community.

“So much of it is this shared sense of the people who happen to be on that [app], or who we assume are neighbors like yourself, and watching and policing the dangers in your neighborhood,” Igo told Motherboard. “[Neighbors] also will undoubtedly reinforce some sense of who belongs here and who doesn't.”

When people take pictures or videos, they determine who and what is worthy of attention. But when people use security cameras specifically, they also determine who is suspicious and who does not belong.

Security cameras carry an aesthetic of suspicion and fear. Footage is often grainy, black and white, or green-tinted due to night vision filtering—but these aren’t inherently “sketchy” traits. Since security footage is usually shared in the context of crime on local news, all security footage is marred with the appearance of suspicion. Local news tends to over-represent crimes committed by people of color, meaning people of color captured on security cameras are at an especially high risk of appearing to be suspicious.

As more people buy cheap home security systems, the amount of security footage is proliferating. This means that more people appear suspicious than ever before. Even if a person has done nothing wrong, even if they have the wrong address or if they’re dropping off a package, they will appear suspicious.

Neighbors, and apps like it, have empowered people to publicly share footage that they consider unsettling, and people who they consider to be out of place, at a scale that we’ve never seen before.

Individual Decision With Group Implications

There’s a crucial, unstated aspect of owning a Ring camera: You aren’t just making the decision to surveil your own property and visitors when you buy one. You make a decision on behalf of everyone around you. If someone walks by your house, lives next door, or delivers packages to your home, they will be recorded and surveilled. They don’t get a choice. Buying even one Ring camera is a fundamentally communal decision.

Andrew Hager, who was a delivery-person for a meal-prep company in the Portland suburbs, said that he noticed all the “fancy houses” had Ring cameras, especially around Beaverton, OR. (The Beaverton Police Department has partnered with Ring, per documents obtained by Motherboard.)

For a while, he didn’t realize that Ring doorbells were actually cameras.

“It might've changed how I acted if I knew that there were cameras,” Hager said. “I was always professional, but I would’ve made sure I was not picking my nose or something.”

Hager added, more seriously, that he would not have been “blatantly checking the house out” if he knew he was being recorded.

“I feel like if people were watching me, they would've thought, ‘Oh, is this guy casing the joint out or something?’�� Hager said. “Because you could totally think I was like, ‘Oh how much square footage is in here. I wonder how much they pay for this place.’ Before the door opens, I’m always looking around.”

Hager’s fear is justified. On the Neighbors app, users frequently post videos of people looking at their homes, taking pictures of their homes, or lingering around their homes. The captains often speculate as to whether the person is planning a robbery, although they just as well could have been at the wrong address or admiring the house.

“Making sure that packages are okay seems like a pretty common sense goal,” Albert Fox Cahn, founder of the anti-surveillance advocacy group the Surveillance Technology Oversight Project and member of the Immigrant Leaders Council of the New York Immigration Coalition, said. “But the problem is that it comes at the price of recording these workers who are delivering them. It's just part of this surveillance web on the job that's depriving workers of autonomy and privacy, and can really have an emotionally toxic effect over the long term.”

The New Neighborhood of Ring Cameras

Ring has two aims that work in tandem. On one hand, it wants to become embedded in the process of policing. But it also wants to build relationships with neighborhood watches, and to have its cameras to become a feature of neighborhoods.

Ring doesn’t only partner with police departments. The company also provides discounts to local neighborhood watches and homeowners associations. According to emails obtained from Olathe, KS using a freedom of information request, all community leaders need to do is reach out to Ring.

"We would ask that a community leader (for instance head of HOA or neighborhood watch president) go to [redacted] to begin the process,” a Ring representative told a police officer who asked about local subsidy programs. “The community programs teams at Ring will work with them to create a limited time, zip code specific discount zone."

Ring also provides city-level discounts, if the city agrees to pay up.

Dozens of cities have Ring discount programs, which involve cities and towns paying Ring up to $100,000 in taxpayer money in order to subsidize Ring camera purchases for their residents. Ring will match every dollar committed by a city per the terms of these discount programs. This means that for every $100 residents save when buying a Ring product, the city pays $50 and Ring pays $50.

These city-level discounts have been happening since 2016, according to documents obtained by Motherboard.

By funding these discount programs, cities conflate surveillance and citizenship. For instance, West Hollywood, CA distributed flyers advertising its Ring subsidy program at voter registration events, according to documents obtained by Motherboard. West Hollywood also sold subsidized Ring products “exclusively” to residents in areas moderated by neighborhood watches. Everyone who bought a discounted camera was added to a registry list with their name and address.

West Hollywood isn’t alone. Camera-purchase registries—which Motherboard obtained from Redondo Beach, CA, West Hollywood, CA, and Green Bay, WI—included the names of purchasers and the police patrol areas in which they live.

Image: “RE__Request_for_shapefile_assistance.pdf” from West Hollywood, CA.

Documents obtained by Motherboard also show that several cities will loan or sell discounted cameras Ring cameras to residents. In one camera “loan” program in Green Bay, WI, police technically owned all footage generated on all cameras given to residents, per contract documents residents had to sign.

Police from Redondo Beach, CA even used the pretense of camera registries to determine who should get a discount and who shouldn’t, according to a city council meeting memo obtained by Motherboard. Police said that they inspected the facades of homes of each applicant, and looked for who had the most “optimal viewpoints that could assist with criminal investigations.”

In a slide presentation obtained by Motherboard, Redondo Beach police said that applicants who offered to surveil their neighbors would get a heavier discount than those who only offered to surveil their own property.

Image: Screenshot from Secure Your Castle slide presentation from Redondo Beach, CA obtained by Motherboard.

Ring doesn’t officially endorse cities requiring people to go on a camera registry in order to obtain free or discounted cameras.

“Ring won't subsidize devices to cities to be used for camera registration programs,” a Ring lawyer told city officials in Peoria, IL, who asked about creating a camera registry program. “If you cannot agree to that, then we cannot do the program.”

“This is getting ridiculous,” the Peoria lawyer said to a Peoria City Manager, after forwarding the email thread to him.

But cities can make camera registries without Ring’s permission. The Peoria Police Department unveiled a surveillance camera registry program two weeks before these emails were sent.

“As a policy, Ring does not support any subsidy match program that requires recipients to subscribe to a recording plan or share footage as a condition for receiving a subsidized device,” a Ring spokesperson said in an email. “We actively work with these groups to ensure this is reflected in their programs."

The Fanatic Culture of Ring Stans

People decide to buy Ring cameras for lots of different reasons. Ring customer Bryan Herbert told Motherboard that Ring makes his life easier.

“I’m disabled and tend to walk slow,” Herbert said via Twitter DM. “It’s nice being able to speak to people at the door and let them know it’s going to take me a minute to get there.”

But one thing connects all Ring camera owners: a sense of community.

Digital community is a crucial tenant of Ring ownership. There’s Neighbors, where geographic neighbors connect with one another through Ring’s platform. But there’s also Facebook and Reddit, where user-moderated, fanatic communities for Ring product owners have flourished.

In these groups, people are implicitly understood to have accepted the privacy tradeoffs that come with owning the cameras, and the proliferation of police partnerships. The resulting culture is a combination of a do-it-yourself machismo and intense product loyalty.

The most noteworthy examples are r/Ring, the Ring-focused subreddit, and Ring Doorbell Users Group, the Facebook group for Ring owners. These online communities aren’t primarily focused on sharing “success stories,” or sharing so-called sketchy footage on Ring cameras. Users mostly troubleshoot technical problems and answer one another’s questions. Often, people who speak too negatively about Ring products are disparaged, even when they face frustrating technical problems with no obvious solution.

The admins of the Facebook group often advocate on behalf of Ring. In one post, the Facebook group admin screenshotted and shared a post, which began by complaining about the quality of Ring cameras.

“Don’t get me wrong,” the group admin wrote, “I’m sorry that [name redacted] is having issues and feels he must so eloquently announce to everyone that he is GIVING UP.”

The admin suggested solutions to fixing Ring products that were often more labor-intensive or expensive than setting up the device itself.

The culture on r/Ring is pretty similarly to the culture in the Ring Doorbell Users Group on Facebook. Dan Sullivan, one of the moderators of r/Ring, said in a phone call that he’s been a subreddit moderator for about four years, around the time that DoorBot became Ring.

“I’ve been leading that disaster for a while,” Sullivan said. “It was really an echo chamber when I came across it… There were people who loved it, people who hated it, and there was no one to talk to about it. It’s still like that now.”

Sullivan said that he tried to engage with Ring’s social media team and get them to provide help. Ring tried, but it’s mostly stopped engaging.

“Ring used to participate, but then they stopped because people were attacking the employees,” Sullivan said.

How Does It Feel to Be Watched?

Among the many Ring users that Motherboard spoke with for this article, none expressed privacy concerns, or misgivings about having a camera in and around one’s home.

Sullivan, the r/Ring moderator, said that if people are worried about their privacy, they just shouldn’t get a camera. It’s like Facebook, he said. If you don't like Facebook, just get rid of Facebook.

“I don't have it inside of my house for a reason, but I don't really care who sees what goes on on the outside,” Sullivan said. “You could make a list on why you shouldn't have a camera. Obviously these [videos] are going somewhere, being sent to a server somewhere. But I don't have anything to hide. I’m not a criminal, there's no risky things going on at my house. So I’m not worried about it.”

Sullivan added that there are benefits and drawbacks to every product. For him, the benefit of catching a criminal on camera outweighs the risk of relying on a private company to catch them.

Several Ring camera owners told Motherboard that they, in part, chose Ring because they wanted cameras that weren’t made in China, citing security concerns. Neither of them were concerned about how camera footage and customer data is used.

Why We Watch Ourselves

There’s one unavoidable fact about Ring: people are choosing to use this product. They’re choosing to put a camera in their homes. They’re choosing not only to watch other people, but watch themselves.

Self-surveillance isn’t a Ring-specific phenomenon. The core of self-surveillance has to do with how we understand privacy.

Sarah Igo, the historian, says that “privacy” deals with the threshold between where the individual person ends, and a collective society begins. As a result, privacy concerns are often invoked in situations where people are scared, apprehensive, or uncomfortable about changes happening in their society—technological, social, or otherwise.

As explained by Igo, after World War II, when white people fled to the suburbs, a combination of academic scholarship and popular opinion strengthened the idea that freedom, especially freedom from authoritarianism and fascim, can be found in the right to private property, space, and land.

The American home, in the face of these fears, became a place of safety and tradition. It was a place for families where a patriarchal figure protected his wife and children.

Americans, as Igo describes it, often fear and mistrust objects that mediate between the private home and the outside world. Many people in the early twentieth century viewed the telephone as an unwelcome intruder in the home. Fear of wiretapping was widespread throughout the century. The doorbell, for many, was no exception. Igo writes that people viewed the doorbell as something that empowered the outside world to penetrate and intrude on “domestic tranquility.”

Interestingly, Ring customers believe that the doorbell camera protects the home. It doesn’t invade the home; rather, it guards the home. Igo said in a phone call that this isn’t necessarily surprising. Ring doorbells, like all doorbells, mediate the relationship between the home and the outside world.

“Video cameras, security cameras, and so forth is the turning of the home outward to watch, in the other direction,” Igo said. “So I think it's still connected to this longer history of worry about invasions of the home. To prevent those, you have to look outward and invade the privacy of those potentially right on the street outside.”

“[There’s] this sense that the barrier can also be a window on to who's on the other side,” Igo added. “And that, at the very least, suggests rising distrust of unplanned interactions.”

So What Now?

Ring has some experienced pushback in recent months. In August, Senator Markey demanded the company answer questions about its data retention and relationships with law enforcement. Then, in November, five senators demanded Jeff Bezos answer additional questions about its data security practices.

Despite this pushback, Ring is not faltering or losing momentum.

It doesn’t hurt that the company has crucial connections to power. Jacqui Irwin, a member of the California state assembly, is married to Jon Irwin, the chief operating officer for Ring. Kira Rudik, Ring Ukraine’s chief operating officer, was recently elected to Ukranian parliament. Ring has connections in precisely the places it needs them in order to continue operating as it always has.

However, it’s impossible to talk about Ring in a vacuum, as if Ring is the only home surveillance company selling fear and promising security in return. Ring is the symptom of a worldview in which crime is an existential threat, and data-capturing technology is the solution. For people who subscribe to this worldview, it doesn’t matter that crime rates are actually going down nationwide. The only thing that matters is that they believe crime is a threat.

According to Evan Greer, deputy director of digital activist group Fight for the Future, Ring is a product that’s “incompatible with a functioning community.” If you don’t trust your neighbors, Greer said, it becomes okay to surveil in perpetuity.

“That's a fundamental idea that ties community together: neighbors trust each other, and protect each other, and take care of each other,” Greer said. “It just feels like, for Amazon’s business model to succeed, they have to sow distrust and fear between neighbors.”

Cahn, the privacy advocate, said that Ring and security products like it capitalize on a widespread feeling that we are never safe.

“It goes to some almost society-wide anxiety, that if we can't prove everything's okay, at every moment,” Cahn said, “then somehow, something terrible is happening.”

There is no single reason that people choose to watch themselves and others. The people of Baltimore, MD believe that camera footage can be a tool that facilitates justice in a city where justice feels rare. For others, Ring cameras offer the convenience of seeing who is at the door. Some people buy Ring cameras to usher in peace of mind.

Everyone who buys a Ring camera shares one core belief: that Ring cameras are neutral, objective, or even benevolent. However, in a world so overcome by fear that the people believe they must not only watch others, and watch themselves, there’s no such thing as a truly benevolent tool.

How Ring Transmits Fear to American Suburbs syndicated from https://triviaqaweb.wordpress.com/feed/

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