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gwynrielendgame · 3 years

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Nyx and Isa part 4

I am feeling very uninspired these days yall. Good news though, I got a job 🥳🥳 woohoo.

"You two can go wander through the gardens now, if you'd like. Violet why don't you go with them? Someone needs to keep them out of trouble."

It was as much a dismissal if Nyx ever heard one. He rolled his eyes, but stood to leave anyways.

"I would actually like to listen in. If I am to be high lady some day, best I hear it all."

Nyx's parents shared a look. Whatever they wanted to discuss with Tamlin and the rest of the family was not information they wanted his daughter to know. Must be something about her.

"Very well. Nyx could you check on your sister, Velaris? I haven't heard from her all week."

Nyx was annoyed that he was being dismissed once again to check on his oldest sister, of all people, even though Isa was allowed to stay. She was much less trustworthy than him. He turned to leave with his younger sister in tow, but a snicker from Isa made him send a quick glare in her direction.

"Yes, run along now. Like the good little prince you are."

The sarcasm might as well have bit his skin. The entire room stopped their small talk to re-assess the situation before them. The last anyone had heard, Nyx and Isa had resolved any conflict from the recent fight they had. Although neither of them had spoken since Isa had revealed what she gave to protect Nyx.

"Stop this, Isa. Petty arguments do not become you."

"Oh look at prince Nyx. Once again taking the moral high ground. Shocker considering who your parents are."

"Did we...miss something?" Lucien interjected, clearly to lighten the mood which had zero effect on the arguing pair. They continued their banter as if Lucien never even spoke.

"You want to talk to me about my parents? What about yours? Your father abused my mother, only to impregnate, who I can only assume by your own standards, is a vile, evil witch."

She sucked in a harsh breathe. She told that to him in confidence and now he was throwing it back in her face. His anger fueled harder than his guilt. Nyx had walked back to the table at this point where he stood, glaring at his friend.

"Once again you stand on some moral high ground. The world is not black and white, Nyx. Your mother would like to convince you otherwise though, no? Must be her savior complex."

Her accent was much heavier with how vehemently she was talking. Feyre decided it was best to intervene.

"Okay, why don't you two separate and cool off. Obviously, emotions are running high."

Once again, the pair ignored anyone else speaking to them.

"Whatever helps you sleep at night, Isa. I am not the one that sold off my unborn first child, so of course, you do not have many moral qualms." Nyx threw back at her. She rolled her nose up in disgust.

"Would you have rather I let you die?"

"I am glad I am not dead, but what you were willing to give up for me is not something I would be willing to do for you." He crossed his arms. She scoffed.

"Maybe you should have mentioned that before you had sex with me!" She threw a roll from her plate at him. He let it bounce off his head with a roll of his eyes.

"Oof" Violet muttered while glancing anywhere but at the pair sparring off at the dinner table.

"Do not act as if I tricked you into that! I have been crystal clear about us. I am waiting for my mate, which you are not."

"Nyx," his mother tried to interject once again, but Isa stopped her.

"How do you know that? How do you know I am not your mate? The bond is hard to sense before it has snapped into place." Everyone recognized the desperation in her voice. She was pleading with him to love her in the way that she loved him. Unfortunately, it was also clear to everyone that Nyx was rather indifferent towards Isa as a romantic partner.

"Come on Isa! Be realistic. Our parents did not work out for a reason." He tried to reason. He thought they had just been having a bit of fun. Must have meant much more to Isa than she had been admitting to him.

"Perhaps you do share too much with your mother. Your self-righteousness is certainly straight from her handbook." She lashed out. Nyx recognized her feelings were hurt and that was the reason she was saying the nasty things she was. That did not mean it kept him from getting just as angry.

"Well, I am not the only one who takes after my parents. You are exactly like your father." He spit at her.

Nyx was tired of listening to her discuss his parents in such a way. She wanted to play rough? Well then he would play along.

"What is that meant to mean?"

"You are an entitled bitch who does not seem to understand when someone does not love you back. That's what I mean."

She flinched at his harsh words and he automatically wished he could take them back. She retook her seat, closed her eyes, and took a deep breath. They both remembered what she accidentally admitted to him and the words he had not said back. He was breathing heavy from his own vehement yelling, but now as he looked around, he felt regret. It felt wrong to air out their grievances among family and friends, especially when he threw so much back in her face.

"Yikes..." Violet unhelpfully broke the awkward silence that had engulfed the room. Nyx noticed at the same time as everyone else that the table was shaking. It started to shake so much that he thought an earthquake was hitting Velaris. It was not until Tamlin spoke up that everyone realized who, instead of what, was making the table shake.

"Calm down, Isa."

She took a slow shakey breath. One lone tear fell down her cheek which she roughly wiped away. Nyx wanted to wrap her in a hug and apologize, but he stuck in his spot as her tattoos began to glow. They often glowed when she was using her witch magic, but never like this. This was bright, almost blinding when her normal glow was a light luminance.

"I am trying." She spoke softly. "I just want it to stop." Her hands went to her head and started clawing at her temples.

Nyx was not sure what she wanted to stop, but one glance around the room told him that this meant trouble. He wanted to help his friend, but no one moved a muscle and his father sent him a look that kept Nyx from speaking. Tamlin's reaction was even worse. He looked scared. Whether that was for his own life or because his daughter was in danger, Nyx would never know.

"Isabelle, stop."

"I can't." The word broke off at the end as she finally opened her eyes. They were glistening with tears and her expression would haunt Nyx until his last days. It all seemed to happen in slow motion. Tamlin propelled forward, over the table. He wrapped Violet in an embrace as they fell to the floor.

And then a gust of power broke every piece of glass in the room. Every window, wine glass, and vase shattered. The power from Azriel's siphons reached out at the last minute and protected Nyx and Lucien from the blast of power. Nyx was still thrown into the wall from the sheer force of it. He managed to look over at his parents to see his dad protecting his mom. Tamlin must have known what was going to happen before it did because he reached Violet a second before it happened.

"Knock her out!" Tamlin yelled. "Before her eyes change."

Nyx looked up to see that Isa was still crying, but a swirl of power encircled her. She had sunk to her knees on the floor at this point and she still gripped her head as if it hurt. The power was unlike anything he had ever seen, so he assumed it must be her witch power. He knew he should get up and talk to her, but he did not want to make it worse. He watched as Lucien attempted to physically get to her, but the gust knocked him away. Both his parents tried using their daemati powers. Nyx was afraid of what would happen if that did not work. Tamlin shoved Violet behind a couch before approaching his daughter.

"Isa, you can control it. You have done it before. Focus."

She began shaking her head wildly.

"Get out of my head!" She screeched.

"I can't get in Tamlin. Whatever is happening is too powerful." Nyx wondered who was inside Isa's head if not his parents.

"Use your Night power to knock her out." Tamlin gritted his teeth as he slowly inched his way toward her. It was a physical feat unlike any other because the wind was powerful enough to keep Nyx on the ground.

"I can't. She's disarmed our fae magic."

Nyx tried to conjure his own magic, only to realize his dad was right. He did not think it was possible without the use of faebane. Isa had mentioned being able to temporarily disable fae magic, but she claimed the cost was too high for witches to use it often. He was worried she would end up killing herself before the night was over.

"Isa!" He started. As soon as he spoke, the power surrounding her intensified. "I am sorry. I did not mean it." He took a few tentative steps towards her even after his dad called out a warning. It was difficult due to the wind, but he managed to get close enough that his shouts were heard by her.

"I was lashing out because you hurt my feelings." The power started to ebb as she raised her head from her hands. "You are my friend and I did not mean to hurt you."

She looked at him for a second, her guard dropped, and when she blinked, her eyes opened again, completely black as the finest spun silk in all of the night court.

Fuck is all he could think.

Tamlin used the split second she was distracted by Nyx to make his move. She was in his grasp and being winnowed away before anything else could be said.

"Shit." His mother muttered from her spot on the ground.

"What the hell was that?" Azriel looked to Lucien for answers as he stood from the ground. It appeared everyone had been knocked to the ground from the force of her magic. Lucien wiped away blood from his forehead that kept pouring into his one good eye.

"How many witch, high lord children have you heard of?"

"None." Azriel grimaced. If he had not heard of it before, then it was likely few and far between that held that same heritage.

"Emotion is a highly sought after price by the spirits. Not many witches are willing to trade their emotions for the aid of the spirits. They feed on it which is why the children are so dangerous. They are one tantrum from killing their entire coven. Why do you think their numbers dwindle?"

"She's had how many years to get this under control?" Rhysand quipped back sarcastically only to get a withering look from Lucien.

"No amount of time prepares you for your first heart break. Especially when the cause of that embarrasses you in front of another court by declaring he does not love you back." Lucien gave a pointed look to Nyx with narrowed eyes.

"Not my finest moment." Nyx cringed as he thought back to all he said. Nyx walked back to Violet to help her up from behind the couch.

"The spirits feed on her emotions. She let her guard down, but they cannot take without giving. They gave her too much power to control with her emotions as tumultuous as they were. The more negative the emotion? The more all-consuming and dangerous that power becomes." Lucien explained. Although it hardly made any sense to Nyx.

"How can they feed if she does not call on them? Why do they not feed on our emotions?" Violet asked as she wiped dirt from her dress.

"The tattoos, a price she has paid for a past use of witch magic, acts as a tracking device. Much like you build mind barriers to keep other Daemati out, Isa needs to keep her barriers in place to prevent the spirits from taking freely. The tattoos call to spirits when they glow and the loss of her mind barrier allowed them in without her permission. As for the reason they do not feed on our emotions? Unsure. Isa jokes that regular fae emotions must taste bad." Lucien finally grabbed a napkin to press to the wound above his eye. He muttered an apology to Feyre for ruining it.

"Why did she not kick them out once she realized?" Feyre asked instead of responding to his apology.

"She probably did not realize she was giving her emotions freely to the spirits. They rewarded her with power. Mix in some fae magic, shape shifting abilities, and boom you have an uncontrollable dangerous cocktail in the form of a small female."

"The eyes?" Azriel quietly mentioned with raised brows. His shadows were moving erratically all around him.

"That is not up for discussion along with her mother." Lucien sent Nyx a glare.

"I know it was a low blow." He admitted. He would apology as soon as he was allowed.

"Isa loves her mother very much. You can love a person and despise their actions. Right Feyre?" It was an accusing statement. Everyone could see what Lucien was insinuating. His mother at some point or another loved Tamlin even if she pretended she never had. Feyre only rolled her eyes, but Rhysand sent a glare of his own back to Lucien.

"I should apologize. I do love her." Nyx felt the need to admit to everyone. "Just not in the way that she wants." He threw himself down on the couch. Violet followed his lead and rested her head on his shoulder.

"Not now. The reason witches do not readily offer their emotions is because it leaves them numb. It is a very unpleasant feeling and will be like talking to a wall." Lucien grimaced. Nyx assumed Lucien was thinking of the last time it happened.

"Has this happened before?" Azriel inquired.

"When her mother died. That's it." Lucien shrugged and dropped the napkin.

"I didn't know. I never meant to hurt her." Nyx felt the need to explain himself, but found there were no words to do so.

"If I know Isa, all she wanted to hear was that you care for her in some capacity."

"She knows that." Nyx insisted. He rested his head on top of his sisters. He was suddenly overcome with exhaustion unlike any other.

"Does she? Cause you had me fooled otherwise tonight." Lucien quickly winnowed away after that. A look around the room showed disapproving looks from everyone.

*****

"Thank you for coming." Tamlin shifted awkwardly in his chair. The Night Court inner circle looked on from their respective chairs in what Nyx assumed must be the formal sitting room. His parents, himself, and his sister squished together on one couch. Azriel took an arm chair to the left of Tamlin and the last chair remained unclaimed. Nyx stared at the chair as if he could make her appear simply from his stare.

"How is she?" Rhysand cleared his throat to ask. Tamlin gave a tight smile.

"Fine." He paused, debating whether he should say the next thing. "We lifted the ward on this room. If things should get out of hand today, you may winnow away."

Feyre narrowed her eyes at him.

"I thought you said she had it under control."

Tamlin sighed heavily and slouched in his chair. He rubbed at his temples as if this entire meeting exhausted him.

"You will see that you are in no danger. It is just a precaution."

Azriel went to say something, but stopped and looked towards the door. It was utterly silent. A few minutes later, Isa walked through the door with her head down. She looked...bad. In the kindest way possible because Nyx knew she had been through a lot mentally. It had clearly taken a toll on her physically. She shuffled to the last available seat without making eye contact. When she finally looked up, Nyx's heart lurched. She was pale with dark circles under her eyes. Her cheeks had sunken in from weight loss, leaving her looking like she consisted only of skin and bone. It was jarring considering how solidly built she had been previously. She had always been muscular; now though, he saw no hint of it. Her dress must have been fitted to her recently since it fit her well. It was a light green color similar to her eyes and flowed around her like a wedding dress. She might look beautiful if she did not look so sick. Nyx made eye contact with his sister's wide, shocked eyes. A quiet gasp left his mother's lips. Isa tried a small smile, but Nyx noticed her fingers nervously traced the new tattoos on her other hand.

"I apologize for my little display last week." She started. "I thought I had a better grip on my powers. Obviously not. I have spoken with my coven on the matter and I will be returning home for additional training."

Nyx contemplated whether he should speak or not. Last time they only exchanged spiteful words. He did not want those words to be the last she heard from him. He cleared his throat.

"Does your coven know about the first born debacle?" He felt it was a neutral enough of a statement. Isa replied simply.

"No."

"It is best if that is never discussed aloud." Tamlin interjected.

"How long will you be gone?" Violet asked. They had become friends as well and his sister looked sad at the prospect of her leaving.

"Until I need to claim my position as High Lady." Isa stared at her hands as she spoke. Violet gasped at the information.

"But that could be hundreds of years!"

Nyx frowned. He thought it might take Isa a few months to lose interest in himself and then they could return to just being friends. This seemed extreme, but perhaps they could still visit each other every once in a while. Isa only shrugged. Nyx felt dread at Isa's lack of emotional display. She had been rather devoid of anything else. The effects of the spirits must be taking more of a toll than anyone else assumed.

"That will leave you unprepared for your role as high lady. You do not have many allies or friends," Azriel started what appeared to be an oddly placed reprimand. "You should use all the time you have to form relationships with the other courts and possible emissaries."

"Lucien said he would help me when I first take over."

"That is not enough." Rhysand agreed as him and Tamlin shared a look.

"You will help me, no?" She asked.

"We may not have the time to devote to helping you run your court." Feyre said. Isa's eyes slid past Nyx's and landed on Violet's.

"I could help." His sister offered with a smile that looked so similar to their mother's.

"It would be very much appreciated." Isa tried to give a smile of her own but it only succeeded in showing how miserable this past week has been for her.

"You may want to consider marriage." Azriel felt the need to mention. "You will be at a disadvantage when you return, but a well aligned marriage could work. The prince of the Summer Court is unmarried, but you may find yourself at war with Amren over him. There is a princess of the Summer court that may be interested." His shadows tucked in tight to him.

"I shall consider that. Thank you for the advice, spymaster." No hint of her accent could be heard. Nyx realized she was focusing on disguising the accent in order to focus her attention. Her eyes kept wandering around the room as though she could not keep focus on the current conversation.

Tamlin appeared to nudge Isa subtly. He gave her a stern look before she turned back to look at Feyre.

"I apologize for the things I said about you." She said barely above a whisper. Feyre gave her a soft look which must have urged her to keep going. "Sometimes I feel angry at you because I see a life I could have had. With you as my mom. It is not fair, but it is true." Nyx could see tears in his mother's eyes that she quickly blinked away.

"I understand that sometimes we say things we do not mean. Right, Nyx?" Feyre gave her son a look. She was giving him an opening to say his piece while simultaneously avoiding responding to Isa. He should tell Isa that he did not mean it.

"Isa, I do love you. Just not in the way you are wanting." He tried to make eye contact with her so that she knew he was speaking the truth, but she did not look up from her hands.

"Okay." She gave a simple shrug.

Nyx felt his eyes brows furrowed at that. He was not sure what he expected her reaction to be, but something more than that. It made him feel something he was not ready to admit. And at this point, would never admit.

"Okay?" He asked with raised eyebrows. Isa was still refusing to look up at him, so he look towards his father who kept signaling with his eyes to go and comfort her.

"Yes, I understand I cannot make someone love me." The bland delivery of the words encouraged Nyx to move towards her. He kneeled before her in her chair and grabbed her hands, forcing her to look at him.

"I do love you." He emphasized. He did not want this to get lost in the mess of everything else. Something about that seemed to spark something in her eyes though. The sight of it made Nyx relieved.

"Not in the vay I vant to be loved. Not in the vay I dezerve to be loved." Her accent was extremely heavy and she began to grip his hands back just as strongly as he was holding hers. Tears gathered in her eyes but they did not fall.

"I vill no longer give you more than you dezerve, Nyx." And with that declaration, the last of her fight left her. She softly pulled her hands away and stood up. Her eyes were blank once more.

"I apologize once again for putting your lives at risk. It will not happen again."

And then she was drooping back to her room with slows steps.

"That went...well." Violet offered unhelpfully. "Right?"

#nyx acotar #acotar #tamlin’s daughter #feyre archeron #rhysand #tamlin

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flowerflamestars · 3 years

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May i ask what's your opinion on Tamlin? I feel like he gets too much hate for locking Feyre up, but he also abused Lucien and no one talks enough about that.

So, my Tamlin hot take is that, fundamentally? He did the exact same thing to Lucien that he does Feyre.

But Lucien was trapped a hell of a lot longer.

They both do a thing for love (Feyre killing a faery wolf, consequences be damned + Lucien/Jesminda), are presented the choice to die or serve Tamlin, and go with Tamlin.

Of course, Tamlin, in Feyre's story is both the threat and the salvation (which really is. just like. her entire romantic type, huh?), because it's a lie. Tamlin is...a lot of things, frankly, but we're never given a hint that could to say, intelligence. Or strategy.

So how did he come up with the incredible stupid but effective Death for Your Crime or Life Forced by my Side means Loyalty plan?

Well. Because it's exactly what happened to Lucien.

Lucien was the son of a High Lord. He was in love. He was deeply attached to Autumn- and then he loses it all in a single day, is almost killed by his own brothers (kills? at least one of those brothers) and ends up at Tamlins feet.

Tamlin could probably murder him just for crossing the border.

But instead, he keeps him. It made clear there's something like a debt? between them. But what is much, much more clear is that Lucien has nothing.

Nothing but Tamlin.

And yes, I do not think it's a coincidence that one person we know Lucien liked in Spring was sent to die. Nor that when Feyre is dragged in, she's highly isolated. Even more vulnerable in every way than Lucien was.

I don't think Tamlin is even a thoughtful villain- and that makes it more insidious. He wasn't supposed to be High Lord, and yes, he resents that power, but he also needs the constant validation that he is the most important. His worst, most possessive personality traits are heightened by his two closest relationships which is, ya know, TROUBLING

Flowers, if Lucien was a victim why does he have power in the Spring Court? Well. Why IS Lucien Springs second? He's wildly powerful, be we see almost no evidence that he ever uses that power- especially because we know, of course, that Lucien Can Never appear to be a challengers to Tamlin, even though he easily could be. He's so beaten down, to opposite seems to happen most often, Lucien allows himself to be hurt...and feels the blame for it, also.

Lucien is Springs Second because he has, frankly, no loyalty to Spring. It wasn't home, it wasn't his, he seems so depressed he hasn't put down roots in centuries- But he's loyal to Tamlin. Feels he owes, Tamlin. And there's no boundaries in that relationship.

Aside from the implicit physical abuse, Lucien is existing in a place where nothing matters more than Tamlins authority. He's able to acknowledge what's happening to Feyre is wrong, but he tells her to hold on, to wait, they have to be a united front, they can't make him angry. He goes and gets his eye ripped out. He hands himself over to a noncon sex ritual.

Lucien's own personhood is like...sidelined. We see in his head and it is just sadness and resignation and self-blame.

He didn't break, he just kept going.

I've seen arguments made that Tamlin's trauma contributes to his behavior, and while it's a pretty straight line that since he's losing his shit, it heightens it, I don't think it excuses any of it either.

(honestly, I think part of this argument is based in the fact that he's not super consistently written but like. yall. what acotar character is?)

#my second take is that a lot more people should have died in acowar and Tamlin. was right there #Tamlin AND RHYS DEAD?#A story where Feyre has to rise from the weird terrible romantic circumstances that landed her this crazy power?#and rule alone???!#chefs kiss #guys i thought tamtam was ALSO fucking Lucien the whole first time i read acotar #and maybe that colors my perception #but like #its not that improbable #all the weird fucking dinner with just tamlin lucien and feyre??#YALL #hot take three: Tamlin being forgiveable #WHEN NO WOMAN EVER HAS BEEN #while he's fucked off running around as a wild beastie #is a bad choice on every level #Lucien Vanserra is TRAGIC #and I'd make him a hero if it were my story

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unclecassian · 3 years

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On the Topic of SJM Breaking My Heart in ACOMAF

*Spoilers for A Court of Thorns and Roses and A Court of Mist and Fury*

No matter how many times I re-read the entire ACOTAR series, especially ACOMAF, SJM never fails to break my heart with her writing. So here is a list I made of all the lines from ACOMAF that ripped me in two 🥴

“Alone in my bedroom, I realized I couldn’t remember the last time I’d truly laughed.”

“I might even cry for my mother, who had never cared for me, anyway. I might beg her to save me—”

“The sentries returned in full force the next morning.”

“He’d locked me in here… He’d locked me in. He’d sealed me inside this house… I couldn’t get out; I couldn’t get out; I couldn’t get out—”

“Maybe it’d be a mercy to be ended— A broad hand gripped my face—gently enough not to hurt, but hard enough to make me look at him. ‘Don’t you ever think that,’ Rhysand hissed, his eyes livid. ‘Not for one damned moment.’”

“Some small part of me whispered that I could survive Amarantha; I could survive leaving Tamlin; I could survive transitioning into this new, strange body… But that empty cold hole in my chest… I wasn’t sure I could survive that. Even the years I’d been one bad week away from starvation, that part of me had been full of color, of light. Maybe becoming a faerie had broken it. Maybe Amarantha had broken it. Or maybe I had broken it, when I shoved that dagger into the hearts of two innocent faeries and their blood had warmed my hands.”

“‘I’m thinking that I must have been a fool in love to allow myself to be shown so little of the Spring Court. I’m thinking there’s a great deal of that territory I was never allowed to see or hear about and maybe I would have lived in ignorance forever like some pet. I’m thinking…’ The words became choked. I shook my head as if I could clear the remaining ones away. But I still spoke them. ‘I’m thinking that I was a lonely, hopeless person, and I might have fallen in love with the first thing that showed me a hint of kindness and safety.’”

“‘As long as the people who matter the most know the truth, I don’t care about the rest.’”

“...when I had belonged to Tamlin and been little more than a spy and prisoner.”

“I had done everything—everything for that love. I had ripped myself to shreds, I had killed innocents and debased myself, and he had sat beside Amarantha on that throne. And he couldn’t do anything, hadn’t risk it—hadn’t risked being caught until there was one night left, and all he’d wanted to wasn’t free me, but fuck me, and—… And when Amarantha had broken me, when she had snapped my bones and made my blood boil in its veins, he’d just knelt there and begged her. He hadn’t tried to kill her, hadn’t crawled for me. Yes, he’d fought for me—but I’d fought harder for him… And he had the nerve once his powers were back to shove me in a cage. The nerve to say I was no longer useful; I was to be cloistered for his peace of mind. He’d given me everything I needed to become myself, to feel safe, and when he got what he wanted—when he got his power back, his lands back… he stopped trying. He was still good, still Tamlin, but he was just… wrong.”

“And maybe I was exhausted and broken, but I breathed, ‘I killed them.’ I hadn’t said the words aloud since it had happened. Cassian’s lips tightened. ‘I know.’ Not condemnation, not praise. But grim understanding. My hands slackened as another shuddering sob worked its way through me. ‘It should have been me.’”

“And it wasn’t sorrow, or despair, or terror that hit me, but… unhappiness. Such bleak, sharp unhappiness… I was unhappy—not just broken. But unhappy. An emotion, I realized. It was an emotion, rather than the unending emptiness or survival-driven terror.”

“It’d just been a relief to think that for a moment, he might have been as lonely as me.”

“He flinched. The most powerful High Lord in history flinched. And I knew I’d hit hard—and deep. Too hard. Too deep.”

“‘And yet I found myself deciding that if you took his hand, I would find a way to live with it. It would be your choice.’ I sipped from my wine. ‘And if he had grabbed me?’ There was nothing but uncompromising will in his eyes. ‘Then I would have torn apart the world to get you back.’”

“‘I wonder if some part of me knew what was waiting for me. That I would never be a gentle grower of things, or someone who burned like fire—but that I would be quiet and endurining and as faceted as the night… I wonder if, even in my despair and hopelessness, I was never truly alone. I wonder if I was looking for this place—looking for you all.’... ‘I was looking for you, too,’ Rhys murmured.”

“And I saw the pain and sorrow in his eyes. Saw it and didn’t care, not as that thing in my chest was twisting and breaking. Not as my heart—my heart—ached, so viciously that I realized it’d somehow been repaired in these past few months. Repaired by him. And now it hurt.”

“And there it was. A future. The future I saw for myself, bright as the sunrise over the Sidra. A direction, and a goal, and an invitation to see what else immortality might offer me. It did not seem so listless, so empty, anymore.”

THE ENTIRETY OF CHAPTER 54 BUT I’LL JUST GIVE THE HIGHLIGHTS:

“‘And then—then I learned your name. Hearing you say it… it was like an answer to a question I’d been asking for five hundred years.’”

“‘I knew that you were my mate, and you were in love with another male, and had destroyed yourself to save him, and that… that I didn’t care.’”

“‘If you were going to die, I was going to die with you. I couldn’t stop thinking it over and over as you screamed, as I tried to kill her: you were my mate, my mate, my mate. But then she snapped your neck… And I felt you die… And this beautiful, wonderful thing that had come into my life, this gift from the Cauldron… It was gone.’”

“‘But I felt you through the bond, through your open mental shields. I felt your pain and sadness, and loneliness. I felt you struggling to escape the darkness of Amarantha the same way I was. I heard you were going to marry him, and I told myself you were happy. I should let you be happy, even if it killed me. Even if you were my mate, you’d earned that happiness.’”

“My friend through many dangers. My lover who had healed my broken and weary soul. My mate who had waited for me against all hope, despite all odds.”

“If I hadn’t already been in love with him, I might have loved him for that—for not insisting I stay, even if it drove his instincts mad, for not locking me away in the aftermath of what had happened yesterday. And I realized—I realized how badly I’d been treated before, if my standards had become so low. If the freedom I’d been granted felt like a privilege and not an inherent right.”

“‘Don’t let him take me,’ I sobbed again. ‘I don’t want to go back.’ And when I looked at Mor, at the tears streaming down her face as she helped Cassian get upright, I knew she realized what I meant.”

“‘I don’t give a shit if she’s your mate. I don’t give a shit if you think you’re entitled to her. She is mine.’”

“I cleared my head, my shattering heart—breaking for what my mate had done, sacrificed for me and my family. For her sisters. Because she hadn’t thought… hadn’t thought she was essential. Even after all she had done.”

*wipes tears away* yall crying too? no? oh ok cool,,,

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belle-keys · 3 years

Text

Incoherent thoughts about A Court of Silver Flames (2021) by SJM

Do not expect this to be a critical, unbiased review at all. Eet just ease what eet ease. Spoilers ahead laddies.

*unwanted preface*

Okay, so like, you know those things that are neither objectively perfect nor unproblematic yet you love them and are attached to them anyway? Yeah, this is me with SJM’s writing. See, I been with Sarah and Throne of Glass since March of 2015 and with ACOTAR since the summer of 2015 when I was 13 and honestly, ACOTAR in particular occupied a decent portion of my formative teen years. Eventually, when I was about 16 I sort of ended up getting distracted from YA books and went into my thot and kpop era. A main reason for this is that I found ACOFAS particularly disenchanting. This ain’t about that book (sigh) but let’s just say as much as I was still attached to and in love with the ACOTAR world, I was still able to get very annoyed by the decreased quality of the writing and also the evident projecting Sarah was doing onto Feyre with regards to her own life and experiences (ahem). No, the lack of developed POC in the book had nothing to do with it ironically.

So basically, since the spring of 2018 I haven’t read any SJM yet I never fell out of love with the books either. I’ve sworn off TOG after whatever the hell EOS was, but ACOTAR was always more special and close to my heart by tenfold, honestly. See, the best day of my 2016 was the day I found out ACOTAR was getting the extra 3 novels and 2 novellas. ACOFAS was a dumpster fire but I was actually surprised to really, really enjoy A Court of Silver Flames while it obviously has a couple (multiple) sus facets to it. The susness aside, I thoroughly felt at home reading Nesta’s book despite how irrational that might sound. No, I’m not here to say the book was objectively good but I’m here to say I still enjoyed it despite my love-hate relationship with SJM and her writing. :( :( :(

That being said imma still roast tf out of a couple aspects of it. :)

*the susness*

Aight wbk that SJM like, projects a lot onto feyrhys right. I’m not even gonna deny it. Like as horrible as it sounds, when feyrhys were, like, struggling as a couple and shit in ACOMAF, that’s when I loved them the most but then the shitstorm that was ACOWAR hit and they couldn’t go without boning every two seconds or calling each other mates and shit and basically every character in the book started kissing their asses (except Nesta) to the point where they were infallibly good and powerful and everyone’s heads were lodged up their asses... I got PISSED OFF then, right.

Now, in ACOSF (is that correct?), they were side characters and, gratefully, that romance between them was toned down. But here are some things concerning feyrhys and the Court of Dreams that irked tf out of me, and the implications that they had for Nesta (who is perhaps one of the baddest bitches ever) had me feeling homicidal towards the IC:

Every single time Nesta said shit about Rhys and then Cassian got mad I wanted to SCREAM like yooo let her roast tf out of him like yeah I get Rhys lowkey did a lot for her both directly and indirectly but cmoooooon not everyone needs to be riding his dick like the man HATED Nesta from the get-go. I loved the idea that someone in the book lowkey abhors Rhys just for the TEA it gave me. Like yeah, okay Cassian, I get that he’s your bro but he can SUCK NESTA’S DICK also like my girl is a DEATH GOD.

Here me out: the Inner Circle completely dehumanized Nesta, they completely disregarded her personal autonomy and caged her in which is ironically the very behavior that was villainized when Tamlin did it to Feyre. First of all they restricted her movement, they made decisions FOR her, they withheld from her knowledge about her own powers, they decided what’s best for her and acted like she was a rabid dog the entire time. Only Cassian and Azriel seem more blameless in this regard, but the level of scorn and abohorence and moralizing Feyre, Elain, Rhys, Amren and Mor did towards Nes made my blood boil. At the end of the day, the Inner Circle did the VERY THING they hated being done to Feyre. Whatever happened to the freedom they professed? The autonomy they decided all members of their court deserved? That was all bullshit, or was this switch-up SJM’s way of creating justifiable conflict between Nesta and the Inner Circle... either way, there was no closure about this and the way they dictated Nesta’s behavior whilst completely mistreating her imo.

More on Nesta’s treatment - okay listen the way the narrative had every character acting like Nesta was fricking scum and for WHAT??? Okay, she didn’t hunt when Feyre and they were poor, she was bitchy, she hates the Fae... okay, why is Nesta still being punished for her mistakes like this by the Court? Does their forgiveness only apply to those in their clique? They’re acting like her drinking and sleeping around and her general bitchy behavior is sooooo toxic when they ALL coped with their respective trauma in questionable ways in their centuries of living. And the narrative never condemned them for this behavior either... like cmon they had an “intervention” about Nesta like if she needed to reach a certain moral standing to be lovable or something. Seems to me that only Cassian was willing to love her, bruises and all... “There’s nothing broken to be fixed. You are helping yourself. Healing the parts of you that hurt too much - and perhaps hurt others too”. But as beautiful as that it, it seems the IC see Nesta’s healing as her “redemption arc” when I never saw her as a villain or monster to begin with. They acted like she had to become deserving of their acceptance. Bullshit.

No cus more on this... Cassian is the only person who defended Nesta, the only person that wanted to help her heal and grow when everyone else wanted to fix her. He was the only person who was kind to her from the original trilogy (i.e. not counting Emerie and Gwyn). He stood up for her and I’ll gush about them in the next section, but the dynamic between Nesta and the IC was the least enjoyable aspect of the book for me. It was clear SJM wanted to spur Nesta towards the path to healing yet only figured out how to do so whilst only keeping feyrhys as the nucleus of this arc, and so she had them force Nesta into her “special journey” (because she loves them so much, cus they’re sooooo perfect right *rolls eye*), yet, the narrative didn’t quite condemn them for their toxicity towards Nesta at ALL, even towards the end. The good thing is that Nesta did not become an ass-kisser throughout the story and laud them for “helping her” every waking second. Only Cassian didn’t shun her for her inner negativity but embraced her. And Az was pretty cool too, can’t hate him.

Ahem, the ending: okay, I’m not even capping, but I hated that Nesta lost her power for feyrhys. I get that she genuinely did it out of love and shit and I’m not even gonna lie, the thought of feyrhys dying had me on the verge of tears cus as much as I hate them, I also love those bitches. Yet, the culmination of Nesta’s power was, what?, to save feyrhys. This way, the narrative put Feyre at the center of Nesta’s narrative towards the end. And Nesta lost that Death God power that she basically EARNED in that Cauldron. This is the biggest flaw of the story. She fought against her own power to give it up... for Feyre. Like??? What??? Why was that baby arc even necessary????? Why was Nesta giving up her power necessary to fulfil her healing arc which was the POINT of the book??? Like what?????? It left a sour taste in my mouth. No- an abhorrent acidic bitter taste in my mouth.

Elain. I CANNOT STAND THIS GIRL. She completely abandoned Nesta and for WHAT??? For Feyre??? This only served to reiterate from the narrative’s POV that Nesta was scum and again, idk WHY. And also, why tf does this girl mistreat Lucien like this??? LUCIEN AKA MY FAVORITE CHARACTER???

I just don’t get how the narrative reiterated that Tamlin is the worst of the worst when you got Rhys hiding shit from Feyre, hiding knowledge of Nesta’s power from Nesta, all of that. Like, was the entire point of ACOMAF not for Feyre to embrace her power and become her best self? Rhys never for one second tolerated withholding Feyre’s power from her. So why tf does this apply to Nesta? Cus she’s unhealthy? Okay... so what??? Why villainize her like this and imply she’s undeserving of her power and a waste of life??? I’M LAUGHING SO HARD RN LIKE WHERE DID THIS EVEN COME FROM??? What did my girl do that was sooooo bad that yall needed to treat her like this. Tell me why feyre and amren and varian and rhys all acted like Tamlin in this book. Cardi voice WHAT WAS THE REASON. I AM SO MAD ABOUT THIS CUS THEY ACTED LIKE THE FRICKING MORALISING SYCHOPHANTS THEY CLAIM TO HATE.

Like bitch??? They’re like those youth pastors that reiterate how broken and messed up people with mental illness are? Acted like Nesta screwing guys was the worst thing ever when they should have embraced her? Like I get she would push them away but really??? “Waste of life”???

So we gon gloss over how Amren was insisting Nesta shut up about the baby business to Feyre (aka hiding shit from her)? How she was implying that Rhys should conquer all of Prythian? Hear me out, even as someone from a Caribbean country that was colonized by the whites, it actually doesn’t bother me when the theme of conquest comes up, like, this is a fantasy novel and colonization does not exist within the same context for me. That being said, like, it felt as if the narrative telling me lil Rhysie is just sooooo perfect that he needs to be High King. Like, I respect the fact that Rhys has no wish to do so. Homeboy never seemed to care for conquest beyond ensuring his Court’s prowess and safety so WHAT WAS THE REASON AMREN??? Like? What kinda crack was Amren on this entire book???

The worldbuilding... listen, the politics and history felt all over the place, felt incoherent and flat honestly. Didn’t bother me as much as it did in ACOWAR but it was just *meh*, not good. Not horrible, but not great. I preferred the world when it was directly the result of Beauty and the Beat and East of the Sun, West of the Moon.

The Fae have lost their *magic*: no cus what I loved about the first book was that the Fae were one with the Courts and felt very fleshed out in terms of their powers and shit, but now only Eric and Lucien and Tamlin and sometimes Rhys have that same magic for me. Like... the sensuality of the Fae in terms of their actual Celtic roots, that which felt whimsical and immersive in the first book, feels lost to me. I can’t explain it but I feel less nuance and orthodoxy in their portrayal. However, I DID love this one line featuring none other than the loml : “Amid the pink and white blossoms, the cold-faced Autumn Court heir looked truly faerie - as if he’d stepped out of the tree, and his one and only master was the earth itself”. LIKE I SALIVATED THAT IS MY MAN.

*good stuffs*

Okay let’s talk about the smut like I didn’t like the word choice as usual like quit with the euphemisms and say cock and goooooo. That being said like, okay, I like how she set up the physical dynamic between Nesta and Cassian cus the sex wasn’t some big romantic climactic build-up like how it was in acomaf like they were being NASTY from the get-go and I respect that drip. Like she did not cap on how porny the smut was and thank God it wasn’t some cliche romantic honeymoon type shit, like it was almost on the ao3 level of smutty goodness. All it was was missing was coarse language and hard kinks but in general, I liked the Nessian smut in this book more than the feyrhys smut in particularly ACOWAR and ACOFAS, like Nessian just do not cap.

Listen... you see that whole part when Nesta was like imagining how awesome it would be to dance Lucifer’s Bachata with Az and Cassian? Yeah, my girl just let her thoughts run wild. Like Nesta makes Feyre look naïve. Like you know how Tumblr porn in 2016 used to be with the aesthetic type shit? That’s Feyre, but Nesta is like on Pornhub level and it’s so fitting I was YELLIN lowkey. I feel like less importance was placed on how meaningful the sex and shit should be in the book and I respect that.

YOU SEE WHEN NESTA TOLD FEYRE ABOUT THE BABY!!! I WAS CHEERING HER ON. No cause they were being so nasty to Nesta especially Amren and then Feyre entered with all of her moralising shit like honey you KNOW damn well what you’re doing to Nesta is what you hate being done to you. Like damn right tell her, cus I could not STAND the double standard.

The whole training the women thing was a nice touch. It was kinda corny but also sweet. That being said, I laughed so hard when I realized how this entire book was Nesta’s quarter-life hippie rebirth where she learns to meditate and work out and read romance books and face her inner demons like this is some real New York college shit. All that was missing was a Starbucks.

Cassian. Man I love this man so much. No like he displayed peak dilf behavior. I think his attractiveness isn’t based on his bravery or his hotness but his humility man. Like he’s not a thot, he’s respectful, yet tough, yet contemplative. He’s contented with his life station yet wants to always be a better person yet is such a strong rock who really loves Nesta not despite her flaws but because they are part of her. I love the way he stood up to Rhys a lot, he didn’t shame her when she was awful to him, and he is protective (annoyingly so sometimes) but he really wanted her to empower herself. Their relationship isn’t perfect (I’m not in the mood to dissect the problematic aspects rn) but they were so sweet together and I didn’t expect to like them as much as I did back when they were lowkey a thing in ACOMAF.

The mates thing didn’t bother me cus I saw this shit coming since 2016. Yes, it’s cliche and annoying but the mates status also, like, has no meaning to me so it is what it is. Didn’t think they NEEDED to be mates but I was happy that them being mates wasn’t the core of the novel and it was secondary to Nesta’s individual healing journey.

Prepare for me to get sappy but another reason why I loved this novel was because it was a story of healing. :( :( :( The road to healing and growth in the emotional sense is always beautiful to me despite how flawed it often is when SJM writes it. I just felt really immersed in the emotional woes and eventual growth of Nesta despite my issues with the book and this is perhaps one of the main reasons that I found it beautiful, because healing as a theme is always beautiful and raw.

More of Nessian but like their relationship feels so real and raw too. No, cus like, it wasn’t tinged in as much fictitious idealism as feyrhys’ relationship was. They weren’t all stupidly in love and seeing each other in the universe and shit, like they just made each other happy and weren’t portrayed as the perfect soulmates who were each other’s yin and yang and whatever thank the LORD. Them having each other’s back was enough and ughhhh Cassian was just so sweet and such a good trainer and so aloof yet passionate like I been waiting to see more of him since ACOMAF so yayyy.

Okay... that scene where Rhys kneels to Nesta and she embraces him. yes. YES YES YES YES YES that shit was the shit that made my year like I want this man to be in her debt for the end of time like this hoe saved yall like big strong high lord better bow to the “witch” like I could hear angelic choirs at that scene like Rhys doesn’t just yield to people so easily so like, it was just kinda epic okay. Little bitchass Rhys with his perfect little river house and emo boi clothes stfu hoe.

No cus I love how Nesta told Cassian she didn’t wanna hear about Feyre’s special journey or Rhys’s special journey or Mor’s like I got fed up of people acting like they epitomized “good” and the “good path” to self-discovery when they can choke on a baguette as far as I am concerned.

*shit no one except me probs cares about*

Eris. So here is the thing. Since 2015 in ACOTAR when Eris was Under the Mountain being all red-headed and cunning and sexy and evil I have been obsessed with him... well, the idea of him I had in my head and how delectably abhorrent he seems (I like villains and side-characters okay). Maybe it was just his name (Eris is a hot name shut up) or the idea of a rich, cunning fox-faced prince in the same universe appealed to me. Either way, I actually never expected by favorite cameo-character to become... important. I’ll die on the hill of loving him. Here is the thing... I don’t want him to be good, in the same way I did not want Rhys to be a good guy in ACOTAR either. I don’t need him to be a secret angel, I don’t need him to be sweet and good like Rhys always was apparently. Honestly, I want him corrupt but likeable and pertinent to the story. That being said, I really want him as the main character for one of the upcoming novels sooo bad like please PLEASE let me see the autumn court and it’s two-facedness please like if not Eris then Lucien as the main character please.

Lucien... aka my fave character since the first book man. Mannn, SJM does homeboy so dirty like I have always loved Russian fables and hence, I am so ready for Lucien x Vassa x Jurian in the Vasilisa retelling with the firebird trope and Koshei. NO CUS in 2018 I was finna write a 100k word fic about this but then I forgot about it no cap, I still have the story plan in my Onenote actually but let us not reminisce. See, my ao3-loving ass wants an angsty poly relationship and also a hot Koshei I have been waiting YEARS for this you hoes, ever since Elain got the premonition of Vassa as a firebird in ACOWAR like God please please please give it to me and make it feyrhys-less as well yasss.

I lowkey wanna suspect Eris is gay and Mor, also gay, knows and that’s why she lowkey kinda tolerates him now. Yet, I cannot be sure and yeah I just wanna say that I kinda want that arc lmfaooo (my ao3-self is showing shut up).

No cus I was TEASED by only seeing a glimpse of Vassa and Jurian but THEY SHALL HAVE THEIR TIME I KNOW IT.

Tamlin living as a beast is so interesting to me. He’s a side-character now but ughhhh he was so mystical and interesting as our good ole Beauty and the Beast beastie like it’s sooooo mysterious and alluring how he’s becoming his own villainous legend like I still care about Tamlin’s blond ass self despite everything.

Give us the snowball fight scene you coward.

I just gotta say Nessian could outsmut Feyrhys any day and that makes me proud.

FRICKING AZRIEL like first of all Mor doesn’t NEED to come out until she’s ready but she gotta let the man down nicely some other way so he can move on. I do not like Elain. Never did. I still do not. I do not, frankly, want a whole novel where she and Azriel fall in love and she rejects Lucien like... okay, I DO want her to reject Lucien so he can be with Vassa at the very least but also I am not interested in Elain’s POV rn. BUT I WANT AZ’S POV AND LIKE WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO I WANT MY EMO BOI TO BE HAPPY. This is so frustrating cus Az is a walking DILF right and so, what am I supposed to do now.

I kinda miss the Spring Court just a little. It’s pretty shut up. It got that Zuhair Murad fashion too.

Umm like, what the hell is up with that business with Helion being Lucien’s dad? We need more on this which is why I want a Lucien POV book goddammit.

Yoooooooo yall remember that bitch from ACOWAR who hybern was finna kill and she had a name and everything and then there was some foreshadowing and shit? What’s up with her? Like I can’t even remember her name lowkey but yeah what’s up with that. Was it something like Briar or Briannon or somthing???

Is Mor getting a book? Like deadass I need the Lucien and Vassa book, I need the Eris book, I need the Mor book and I need the Azriel book. Damn. Been waiting 6 years for some of this shit.

Okay that is all for now. Yes, this book has problematic elements at every level but I still loved it yet also hated some things about it. I won’t read House of Blood and Earth nor will I finish the TOG series but I guess I’ll stick with this series which remains near and dear to my soul despite what people gotta say about it. It made me happy and that’s what matters. Nesta is a huge ass inspiration to me as a character and I still wanna see her make the Inner Circle’s life a living hell uwu. I admittedly got HELLA emotional reading this story because it’s nonetheless super meaningful to me even at age 19 and it’s really powerful for me as a comfort book, and I look forward (a little) to what this woman put out next... sort of.

Signing off! Don’t @ me (okay you CAN @ me but idc).

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hellas-himself · 6 years

Text

Where There Are Shadows Pt 29

My wifi has been absolute shit. So I have been writing tons just in case I can’t get online through the laptop.

If you haven’t read ACOFAS. This is spoilery. I know I say that every time but in the event someone new sees this in passing, I don’t wanna ruin it for you.

Happy Friday yall.

-Feyre-

Azriel, Cassian and Rhys stood over a table, looking at a map. Cassian, of the three, seemed the most upset. But I didn’t blame him. I couldn’t. Rhys and Az had failed to mention the problems arising in the Illyrian camps. I understood why they’d done it. Especially since they were mere rumors, mostly, but rumors had caused my family so much pain…

I cleared my throat as I stepped into the room. The three of them looked up, immediately their features softened. It made me blush.

“We got a letter.” I held up the envelope in my hand. Rhysand’s eyes widened before he broke into a grin. Azriel offered me a small smile before he pulled Cas away.

“Let’s go see what the fox had sent to our doors,” he said and Cas was all too glad to go.

I went right up to Rhys and sat down on his lap. I was as giddy as a child on Solstice, carefully opening the envelope. It had gold wax with the Day Court seal.

“He’s learning,” Rhys said with a smile. Lucien had been using his emissary’s seal- a dark green wax stam

ped with his initials.

Rhys and Feyre, I miss you both terribly.

I know that it has only been three weeks, but it feels like an eternity.

Feyre- I’ve been wearing the nightclothes you sent every night since. Beware, Helion wants the same pair but in white. Everyone has sung praises of your art, love. Helion has had your painting of his palace hung up in his office.

Grandmother reminds me of Amren, I suppose, for her appreciation of fine jewelry. You did very well, Rhysand. My aunt is just dying to meet you both. She reminds me of Morrigan, which is a welcoming comfort- seeing her in Night Court fashion was… well, let us say that she made quite the impression on some lords last night. I hear talk of marriage proposals. She would eviscerate them all.

Rhys, you absolute prick- my grandmother was there when I received your gifts. Thank the gods that the others were so enthralled with theirs they did not ask what else was in the box. And I am sure you are laughing as you read this. Tell Feyre to kick your ass for me. I’d winnow over to do it myself but then I know I’d never leave.

I’ve held court with Helion a few times now. It reminds me of home in a way. He treats everyone as if they were his family. Everyone says we look alike, especially now that I dress the way he does- sometimes. It is strange, but perhaps the closest thing to comfort than being completely bare. And do not ask me to wear it at home. I won’t have Rhys pouncing on me every second, although Feyre- you are no better. Gods, I miss you both.

We’ve gone hiking together, even my mother joined us. I’ve never seen her in pants before. Do not be surprised if she asks to go on a “hunt” with you, Feyre. She’s taken up archery. I don’t know where she finds the time. When you’re here, we’ll go together- to the mountains. There are things I can’t even begin to describe without butchering them. I am fairly certain Feyre, my love, that you will find countless things to sketch and paint here. If Helion asks for a portrait, please deny him. He is as preposterous as Rhys.

But I miss you. I still find it hard to sleep alone without you both. However, I will not have either of you sad nor considering leaving behind your duties. The formal court nonsense will be in Azriel’s hands shortly, news of the Mortal Lands- which is nothing new. Jurian is cross with me, but that is not important. Vassa is happy for me -us- surprised, but happy.

Helion and I are going to the villa in a few days. It will be raining in the mountains and he plans on witnessing it firsthand. My mother is excited. She believes he and I will get a chance to get to know one another better.

There will be guards there. Some wild beast he apparently raised since birth. We’ll be safe. I will not be able to write until I return. The rains will make the way dangerous. Please try to write before I go.

I miss you.

Lucien

I read it again, practically hearing his voice as I did. I knew when he was laughing. When he was rolling his eyes. And the paper, it smelled like him, a detail that Rhys did not miss. He smiled, taking the letter from me and reading it quietly to himself once more.

“I never thought I’d miss that bastard as much as I do,” Rhys said as he folded the letter and neatly returned it to the envelope. We’d add it to the other two letters we kept at home.

I smiled, wrapping my arms around his neck.

“I never thought that I would see you missing him as much as you do. I’m usually the one pining over him.”

“I do not pine.”

“You wrote him a poem, Rhysand.”

He feigned insult. “What of it? He liked it.”

“I know. It’s utterly romantic.”

Rhys sighed, leaning into me.

“Can we just go? Right now?”

“Did you finish whatever it was you three were discussing?”

He groaned. “No.”

“Then no, we can’t. Lucien would feel horrible about it. Besides, I promised Elain I’d help her with the garden at the townhouse.”

“You? Gardening?”

It was my turn to be insulted.

“I can garden!”

“My love, you let the flowers wilt. Lucien sent us beautiful flowers and they died under your care.”

“I didn’t know I wasn’t supposed to water them every day.”

“He put it in a note.”

“That I found after they died… at least you revived them. If you told him, Rhys, I swear I won’t kiss you for a week.”

“A week?”

Cassian and Az walked into the room just as Rhys had begun to pepper kisses across my neck. They were going to leave but I stopped them.

“I was just going.”

Rhys was whining as I left his side. I ignored him, going to greet my two favorite Illyrians before leaving.

“He’ll be useless now,” Az teased, giving me a hug.

“With enough talk about the camps, he’ll simmer down,” Cas added before he pressed a kiss to my cheek.

“You both can fuck off,” Rhys said, slouching in his chair.

“Little Rhysie misses his foxy boy,” Cas said in a terribly teasing tone, and I saw Rhys cross his arms. That was my cue to leave.

I had just closed the door when I heard Cassian groan, cursing Rhys and his ‘stupid high lord powers’.

It was surprising to see Elain in a dress as thin and revealing as the one she wore now. It was blush pink, the sleeves shorter than anything she’d ever worn before. The fabric was long enough to hide the fact that she was bare foot, but it was so thin that her curves were visible. And the neckline… Mor would steal it from her.

“It’s so hot today,” she said as I approached, wiping a hand across her brow. I sat beside her and noticed how she tried to pull the dress up a bit more.

I was dressed in the usual Night Court fashion, except my top had no sleeves. She eyed my outfit with a bit of… regret?

“Mor loaned me this. All of my gowns are too… They’re meant for colder weather.”

I giggled, that explained it. “It looks lovely on you.”

She blushed. “It’s so comfortable. But this neckline…”

“Is just fine.”

She gave me a grateful smile and in a very conspiratorial voice she said, “I might keep it.”

“You should.”

We shared a laugh, Elain pulling me towards her. Beneath the shade of the tree she and I lay back onto the grass.

“You aren’t offended that I didn’t really mean for you to help with the garden?”

“Not at all. I’d just ruin all the work you and Az have done.”

She let out a sigh.

“May I ask you something personal?”

“Sure.”

“After… Tamlin, how did you know you were ready to move on?”

She said his name carefully, as if it were a curse she was afraid to speak. But it didn’t make me feel anything. No knife to the heart. Only a curiosity as to why my sister was asking.

“I felt guilty at first. As if by flirting with Rhys I was betraying what we’d had. Except that it was Tamlin who betrayed that. And Rhys… he was always too good to me. Even when I was horrible. I hurt him so many times in the beginning… But he never let that stop him from being my friend.”

Elain considered my words for a time.

“When did you know that you cared for him?”

“I think Under the Mountain. I didn’t want to believe it. But I cared for this stranger who told me secrets and helped me when no one else did.”

“I mean, when you realized it was more?”

I sat up then, bringing my knees to my chest. Elain followed suit, and began to twirl blades of grass between her fingers.

“Starfall. The first time we spent it together. I knew I had been attracted to him. I knew that I wanted him… you know.”

Elain blushed but nodded.

“I had my doubts… But Rhys loved me, even as broken as I was… Still am. How could I not fall in love with him? Even if he had not been my mate, Rhys is just-” I found myself blushing.

Thinking about me, darling?

Fuck off.

His laughter made me smile.

“Can I tell you something?”

“Of course.”

“You and Nesta, you are my sisters. I’ve come to love Cassian and the twins, even Amren. Even Rhys. But it’s… different with Azriel. He’s the first real friend I’ve ever had. He sees me, Feyre.”

“I know,” I said softly.

“Grayson…” She paused. “I was no better than a porcelain doll. Like the ones mother kept in her tea room. I was everything a lady should be. But that person died inside the cauldron. I was someone else when I came out of it. And when Grayson finally saw me without the pretty lady’s mask… He hated me.”

“That’s how it was with Tamlin.”

There was a look of relief on her face. Because I understood.

“Azriel understands me. Even the parts of me I still don’t really understand. But our shadows know each other. And it makes sense.”

I raised a brow at that.

“He could probably explain it better… But you know how he can just step out of a shadow?”

I nodded.

“Well. It’s happened. Accidently. Except once, that was on purpose but it was only because he was being so stubborn-”

She stopped, as if remembering herself. I tried not to laugh.

“He and I have many wounds that need to heal… But sometimes… I catch myself staring too long. Or when he walks me to my room, our hugs are a little too long. And on Starfall… Being so close to him the whole night was better than anything.”

I reached out to hold her hand.

“Nothing could make me happier.”

She lowered her voice. “You don’t think it’s wrong?”

“No. You deserve happiness. If it’s Azriel that is helping you find it, I know you both are in good hands.”

She smiled. But then Elain looked up and I turned to find Nuala at the door. She held a stack of envelopes in her hands.

“My Lady, forgive me for interrupting.”

“It’s alright,” I said, giving Elain’s hand a squeeze before I stood up.

Nuala let me take them from her and I felt everything spin.

“Feyre, what’s wrong?” Elain asked. She had come to stand beside me.

“Nesta.”

I sat at my desk, staring at the stack of envelopes in front of me. And at their side, Nesta’s bills, rather- the debt she’d accumulated in my name. I let out a long sigh, reaching for the iced tea that had long since become lukewarm. I drank some of it with a grimace, setting the cup aside. I brought my fingers to my temples and groaned. Why was this happening?

Every letter Elain had sent Nesta had been unopened and returned. Letters written before Solstice. How could Nesta do this to Elain? Our sister was more herself than ever before, without the mating bond, without Graysen’s shadow lingering over her every thought- Elain was happy.

And then her bills. The rent on that poor excuse of a home never changed. But what concerned me the most was the final bill for the food delivered to her home every week. Dated from a month ago. I had almost asked what the hell she was eating but then I saw my name on several tabs from restaurants and bars all over Velaris. Some I had never even been to. But now I knew why there had been such discretion in bringing these to me. I would send each of these patrons a gift in thanks, and in apology, in addition to what they were owed.

Elain was leaning against the wall, drying her eyes with one of Rhysand’s handkerchiefs.

“What did I do?” Elain asked.

“You didn’t do anything, Elain. Nesta is… I don’t really know what is wrong with her. She won’t let us in. And this,” I said, motioning to the letters, “This is just cruel.”

“Do you think I’ve offended her?”

“Offended who?”

I tensed as Cassian walked into my room. Elain looked at him and without a word, he quickly went to her side and held her in his arms. He looked at me, wanting answers. I raised a hand, asking for a moment.

My love, do you know where Az is?

Why? Feeling lonely? I could hear the smile in his voice.

I sighed. Elain is very upset and I need to talk to Cassian. Alone.

Soon enough, I turned in my chair to find the Shadowsinger casually waltzing into the room and Elain did her best to perk up, making Cassian feign insult.

“I was wondering where everyone was,” Azriel said. Cassian and I noticed the way his eyes widened slightly at the sight of Elain in that dress.

“How nice of you to join us,” Cas replied.

Azriel’s hand brushed my shoulder as he went to greet Cassian and Elain.

“Actually, I’m only here for Elain.”

She blushed. Cassian looked even more offended, especially when Elain handed him the handkerchief. He tossed it on my desk and I tried not to laugh.

“The builders at the new house are working on the greenhouse for Lucien’s Day Court flowers and wanted her input on some of the details.”

She cleared her throat. “Of course.”

After giving Cassian a hug, she came to me and kissed my cheek.

“I know you’re behind this,” she whispered, “But thank you.”

Az gave me a wink before he followed Elain out.

“So what’s going on?”

Cassian crossed his arms.

“Where do I start?”

He eyed my severely cluttered desk. “Start with the envelopes. What’s all this mess?”

“Nesta had every letter Elain’s written to her returned. Unopened. Since before Solstice.”

He said nothing but I saw the look in his eyes. I noticed how his jaw clenched.

“Elain had hoped they were replies… But once she realized what it was… Well, she’d only just calmed down when you showed up.”

I reached for the bills.

“She’s canceled the food deliveries. Putting shit on our tab, in my name. And I can afford it. I don’t mind paying for anything she needs or wants but fuck, Cassian. Why does it have to be like this? We have all tried to give her work. Give her our time and attention… Every time we try to figure a way to be there for her, she shuts us out.”

Maybe venting to Cassian was unwise, considering what he felt for her. What they’d been through together. But maybe he needed to know this. He got to her in ways none of us ever could.

“I’m sorry, Cas. I shouldn’t have-”

“It’s fine, Feyre.”

He held out a hand and I handed the bills over to him. I watched as he looked through them, but there was no surprise there. If anything, those pages seemed to confirm something he had suspected or already known. He rolled his eyes at one point but continued. I knew he followed her home most nights, making sure she was alright. Cassian asked for a pen and I handed it over. He set them down on the desk and leaned over, placing a small mark near some things. He set the pen aside and looked over what he’d done.

“I’m going up to the camps.”

“Is everything okay?”

He sighed. “Just those fucking rumors. Hoping to squash them before it becomes something bigger.”

“Should I be worried?”

“No. We have it under control.”

I raised a brow.

“If it becomes something worth worrying over, I will tell you myself.”

“Okay.” I got to my feet and went to hug him, longer than usual. “I love you, Cas.”

He kissed the top of my head.

“If I’m late, save me dessert.”

I rolled my eyes as he kissed my nose. When he was out the door, I went to put the bills away. Curiosity got the best of me, so I looked at what Cassian had marked. It took me a moment to understand what he had seen so quickly, but when I did, my heart sank.

Every night that he had been with us, that he had not followed her home, Nesta had gone to the shittiest tavern in Velaris and put nothing but liquor on the tab.

I found Cassian on the roof, and with a curse, I pulled myself over. He eyed me as I made my way to sit beside him. His wing came to wrap around me, making me sit that much closer.

“You’re an asshole,” I said.

“You’re out of shape.”

I glared at him and he laughed.

“I saved you dessert.”

He shrugged. “I just needed air.”

I took his hand in mine and began to trace over the scars and callouses. He had been quiet- well, quiet for him, during dinner. He hadn’t even teased Azriel for how he tried not looking at Elain when she leaned over to talk to him. He had excused himself before dessert had even been served. And I had specifically asked for those cherry tarts he loved so much and he hadn’t even waited.

“I have a question,” I said, turning his hand palm up.

“Are you a witch now?”

“Shut up.” I smiled, tracing over the lines and noticed more scars, as if he’d held a blade with his bare hands. And knowing him, he probably had.

“Alright. Ask away.”

“She’s my sister… But you’re my friend. My family, too.”

“That’s not exactly a question. I believe it requires a little bit of doubt.”

I rolled my eyes, making him smirk.

“I need you to know that you tried more than any of us. More than I did.”

He tensed. But his voice was soft.

“You owe her nothing, Feyre. She already knows how I feel about the way she’s treated you.”

“And what about how she treats you, Cas?”

“I can handle it.” His voice was a little stronger now, as if nothing else would sway him.

“You shouldn’t have to handle it. I love her, I want to help her. But dammit, Cas. Nothing about the way she treats you is right.”

“I don’t deserve more than that.”

There were a million things I wanted to say. I wanted to shake him. I wanted to scream at him that he did deserve more. That I loved him, that Rhys and Az and Mor loved him. Even Amren, though she’d deny it. Cassian was one of the most selfless people I’d ever known. I wanted him to be happy. I wanted him to see what we saw when we looked at him. But I knew that words could only do so much, especially if my sister had used her words like a knife.

“Can I ask you something?”

“You did.”

I quickly passed two fingers over the membrane of his wing and he flinched. I couldn’t even describe the sound that he made, but it made me laugh.

“You can’t do shit like that! Rhys will kill me!”

“Don’t be a smart ass then.”

“Ask,” he said, avoiding my eyes. I wouldn’t tell him that I saw him blush.

“Is it true that you’d have married me if Rhys hadn’t?”

“Now where did you hear such a thing?” I heard the playful tone in his voice.

“Oddly enough, from Rhys.”

Cassian chuckled. “I may or may not have said that, after several drinks.”

“I may or may not have considered the idea, after several drinks.”

He looked at me then, surprised. Confused.

“Remember what you said to me? You and I have the same soul.”

“I know.”

I smirked. “So would you tell me that I didn’t deserve better? Even if better did not mean your brother?”

He smiled because I’d gotten him.

“You’re a piece of work.”

“I’m living with a bunch of assholes. It rubs off on you.”

Cassian started tickling me until I was laughing so hard I was almost crying.

“What the hell are you two doing up there?”

Cas and I looked down to see Mor standing with her hands on her hips.

“Feyre was trying to get in my pants!”

“Feyre what?”

Now Rhys was outside and I laughed so hard I nearly slipped from the roof. Cassian gripped me by the waist, keeping me steady.

“I said Feyre was going to help me pick out a pair of pants.”

Rhys rolled his eyes and went to sit with Mor on the bench, the two of them chatting as if Cas and I weren’t on the roof, watching them.

“Bastard,” Cassian muttered.

“Want to go get dessert?”

He nodded, but before I could move, he held me there against him.

“Feyre… I would never tell you that. I would beat Rhys’ ass if he ever talked down to you.”

“I know.”

“But… I didn’t try hard enough for her. I should have. And I didn’t.”

His hazel eyes searched mine and I reached out to touch his face.

“We’ll figure it out. Together.”

Holy shit I did not realize that this was as long as it was until now. I am sorry. Sort of.

@readingismycopingmechanism @fuzdog @gently-say-aha @highladyofherondale @alxanxah @nuggets-and-mouthwash @city-of-fae @myfeyrelady @rhysandshighlady @feysanddotacotar

If you’d like to be tagged, let me know!

#feyre and cas are such bros #I love them #and I love him #where there are shadows pt 29 #feyre x rhys x lucien #where there are shadows #feyrhycien #rolling in this trash #acofas spoilers #acowar spoilers

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praetorqueenreyna · 11 months

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I'm reading Acotar (almost done with book 2, but I spoiled myself a little on book 3) and Im just....I didn't super care about Tamlin in book 1 (was more obsessed with Lucien, was convinced we'd get a threesome with Tamlin/Lucien/Feyre for the longest time lol I was bobo the fool) but now as it keeps going and with every 'Tamlin sucks so hard/is such a terrible abusive person' that's going on I just....feel I'm getting protective. I'm always waiting for him doing something worse but it never comes??All the fan posts that the algorithm shoves in my face always seem to misquote/misinterpret him??? Even the him locking her up feels so exaggarated in context? Like, I even liked the idea of them not working out because they both had to learn to deal with their own traumas first, but they could've just sat down like adults about it you feel me? Tamlin isnt that bad at all (by fairy standards anyway), he's just held to some weird modern moral standard while Rhysand isn't and it's pissing me off and really hindering my enjoyment of the Night Court shenanigans (which in theory I don't even hate, I think the characters are kinda enjoyable, but the book is riding the NC dick so hard while constantly dunking on Tamlin for no reason? Just leave the guy alone ahh). Sorry I'm not even in this fandom really I just needed to vent my frustration somewhere!!

ARE YOU ME? This is exactly how I felt reading through ACOTAR book 1 and then going straight into book 2! I was about 3/4 of the way through ACOMAF waiting for tamlin to do the "terrible abusive thing" that everyone claims he does before I realized that it had already happened. And yeah, him locking her up a single time isn't great, but he literally thought she was going to be kidnapped and murdered. that's not him being ABUSIVE and CONTROLLING!!!

the fan posts absolutely misconstrue his character to a comical degree. Just yesterday I saw an incorrect quotes-style post of rhysand talking to tamlin going "you begged to kiss her, she begged to fuck me. we are not the same." as if feyre wasn't slobbering after tamlin in ACOTAR while he held back and kept everything cute and chaste lmao. like yall are just making shit up now.

and YEAH I couldn't enjoy ANY of the Night Court/Inner Circle stuff because so much of those sections on the book are about comparing the NC people to tamlin (or lucien) and complaining about them. Like damn yall sure are obsessed with tamlin considering you claim to hate him. I definitely have gotten super protective of Tamlin being in this fandom bc he really is a sweet character who doesn't deserve any of this!

ANYWAY I SEE YOU and if you do decide to join ACOTAR fandom on the side of Tamlin, there are other Tamlin lovers! I'm helping to host Tamlin Week (@tamlinweek2023) in 2 weeks and I've spoken to lots of lovely people who love Tamlin and are going to participate! We are here, and we are normal lmao

#asks #acotar #tamlin #pro tamlin #HONESTLY I couldn't even finish book 2 I was so bored lmao #I kept waiting for rhysand to be likable and it never happened #then a friend was like 'why don't you just read a summary of the end of the book' and I said OKAY #THE REPORTS OF TAMLIN'S ABUSE ARE GREATLY EXAGGERATED #AND ALSO ARE LIES #pls join acotar fandom on the side of the tamlin stans #we are having a nice time!!!#ALSO SIDE NOTE love the idea of a tamlin lucien feyre three way

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dreaminginvelaris · 3 years

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sorting acotar characters into hogwarts houses

idk why i decided to make this post but it was fun sooo...

lmk if y'all agree or disagree. Also please no hate, sometimes a post is just for fun and i don't need any negativity. UNLESS its hate for elain which by all means go ahead ;) (because of ppls sensitivity, this joke isnt an invitaion to go on a full blown elain hate rant just offer a few jabs, especially if you agree on the elain section and move on, if you wanna go on a rant, message me or submit a post and i'll response, all the love <3)

Slytherin: Ambition, Cunning, Leadership, and Resourcefulness

Rhysand: of course Rhys is Slytherin, the man screams Slytherin. We all know he's cunning, often coming up with plans to get what he wants, leader well duh, he's a high lord and loves it and is great at it, he's ambitious, he's a dreamer, so of course, he wants more, and he's resourceful, always being able to think on the spot. Rhysands second house would be Ravenclaw for sure though.

Eris: uhhh do I even have to explain? wants to be Highlord, boom ambitious. seems to be the one in charge of his brothers and has many responsibilities, boom leader. being able to achieve what he wants, boom cunning. resourcefulness...yeah I don't got an example for that one, anyways 3/4.

Azriel: daddy az is a Slytherin, I mean obviously this is the best house (is it obvious yet that I'm a Slytherin ;) but fr, I debated sorting him into Ravenclaw, but even though yes he shows Ravenclaw traits it's not the ones we see the most of or the ones that really shine through Azriel's reserved personality. The main traits azzy boo here has from Slytherin are Cunning and Resourcefulness, and imo these are the ones we see from him every page.

Amren: im putting amren here too, she's literally both!

Gryffindor: Brave, Courage, Daring, Chivalrous

Cassian: this one is self-explanatory, how many times has he put others before himself, how many times has he endangered his own life to save others. that's a Gryffindor soul he has. he always tried to do the right thing, he's brave as hell and reckless at times it seems from the little snide comments we've gotten from the books, he would have been a marauder no doubt.

Tamlin: I hate to do this I do because I love my lions, but I had to put this piece of shit somewhere and since he reminds me of peter Pettigrew bc of his cowardness, I'm sorting him in here. I'm so sorry guys ;(

Morrigan: helloooo, the house colors are red and gold??? obviously mor would demand this house, yes demand. but not just that she's crazy brave, at only what 18? i think, she stood up to her family, making a decision she knew could have her ending up in a horrible situation. but she always is brave, shes gotta when her evil family is still in her life.

Hufflepuff: Loyal, Kind, Patient, Hardworking

Gwyn: i choose my girl gwyn for Hufflepuff bc let's face it, she is the embodiment of Hufflepuff. She's loyal to her new friends, emerie and Nesta, and the priestesses. She's kind as we can see when she first met Nesta and when emerie and Nesta shared their stories. She's very patient never snaps at that bitchy priestess who idk the name of as well as patient when it comes to her and Azriel's tender new friendship and hardworking, always doing her job, running around the library, for her work, always researching more ways to help the Valkyries. i debated putting her in Ravenclaw, because of her intelligence, but i think she's a Hufflepuff through and through.

Elain: IT HURTS MY HEART PUTTING PLAIN ELAIN IN THIS HOUSE. but I gotta, the only trait this plant sniffer has out of all the houses is "kind and patient" EVEN THOUGH SHE'S NOT REALLY LMFAO. I've made a post on explaining why this dirt lover isn't as kind as the books make her out to be, and I would argue she isn't actually patient at all, I mean did we miss how she was basically frustrated Nesta wasn't getting better even though it had been like what 2 weeks, LMFAO. but yeah I mean she's not loyal unless you have food and money then oh yeah she'll be loyal and she's not hardworking bc I mean she never did jack shit and still doesn't, sorry to do this to y'all.

Note: some of yall are so soft. this is not an anti elain post. sorry i insulted her but hey its my post, and i have commentary on each character to explain why i feel they belong in a certain house. sorry i happened to insult your fav. but this isnt an anti elain post, just like its not anti tamlin or anti eris. its just a post about all the characters period, which is why i inculded all of them in the tags. hey, i even insulted Nesta a little bit, but I'm not gonna tag anti-Nesta bc it's not a fucking hate post. get off this post if it comes across you and you don't like what I say, it's not hard to literally just scroll, trust me I've done it multiple times especially when it's a hate post on my beloved characters and they didn't use the anti tags. it's not fucking hard, grow up.

Ravenclaw: Wisdom, Wit, Individuality, Intelligence

Feyre: I debated putting queen feyre into Slytherin, I mean she shows the traits for sure, but it's not really if she shows the traits it's what shines the most in her. Ravenclaws are known for their creativity (bae luna Lovegood <3) and feyres an artist, even in her darkest times she remained an artist, always seeing portraits in her mind, always admiring the beautiful colors of the world. We know she's intelligent, picking up reading and writing quickly, and we also see it when she's strategizing, with the inner circle. Feyre is so wise, she had to be, she had to grow up quickly, you often see her in the books giving advice, because even though she's only 21, she's lived a lifetime. and the whole book of acomaf can show you how witty she is, I mean its what made us fall in love with feysand.

Amren: tiny snowball amren is literally a slytherclaw, she has all the traits from both. but because of how well she is with coding languages and how she always reads and does puzzles i think she'd enjoy being a Ravenclaw.

Nesta: I thought about this for a while, really looking into where she would thrive, Ravenclaw is for her no doubt. She's herself, always has been even when that wasn't such a good thing... but she's witty too if you make sure to not count the "the book is about...a book" I'm sorry that line makes me laugh every single time. we haven't really seen much of her intelligence but I'm guessing she is. but really she would love to be in a house where ppl are themselves and read, i can already imagine her creating a book club where people can be themselves and enjoy smutty books like her.

Lucien: originally I was going to sort him into Hufflepuff but then I remembered how intelligent he is, how witty, and I remembered in acowar he talked about how being the youngest of what 7 heirs? he had the chance to really educate himself which he loved to do, to really learn about his court, idk this man just screams intelligence to me.

I left out emerie bc i honestly don't know where to sort her, i feel like i just don't know her too well or understand her enough to sort her, so feel free to lmk where she would belong :)

#acotar #acomaf #acowar #acofas #acosf #nesta archeron #feyre archeron #rhysand #tamlin #cassian #azriel #elain archeron #mor acotar #lucien vanserra #amren #gwyneth berdara #eris vanserra

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