#and yet i yearn for social interaction and acceptance | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

lachiennearoo · 8 months

Text

How to Make Friends

A more-or-less clear guide on social interactions

Growing up with heavy ADHD and generalized anxiety, it was always a bit hard for me to make friends and socialize. Despite my yearning for friendship, I was always "the quiet one" and "a loner", simply because I didn't know how to approach certain social situations, and it made any friendship I had extremely unstable (except for my sister @vive-le-quebec-flouffi, who was so extroverted and friendly it was literally impossible to escape her clutches of socialization)

As I grew older, I learned through a lot of trial and error what makes a good friendship.

Or, rather... what's the best way for someone to WANT to be your friend (without being superficial or hypocritical.)

Now, obviously, this doesn't work for everyone. But this is what I found helped me the most in social circles (especially online) and I hope it can help others too

LET'S BEGIN!

1 - Be yourself

Now that sounds very cliche and cringe, I know, but hear me out, because my opinion on this is not the same as all those feelgood inspirational movies and ads.

"Being yourself" isn't as simple as it seems. Because after all, what does "self" imply? If someone is, say, a criminal, would "be yourself" mean that they should embrace their sinful side?

No, obviously not.

"Be yourself" is a bit more nuanced, but I'll try to boil it down for you.

It just means "be unashamed of your qualities which you think are flaws". For example, "be yourself" would apply to someone who sees themselves as ugly, or maybe someone with an odd yet unharmful hobby, or a weird sense of fashion, or someone with say a handicap, a speech impediment. "Be yourself" is a sentence for the specific people who have genuine good in them, but are afraid to show it to others because they have been persecuted in the past, or are scared to be. It does NOT mean to accept genuine flaws. "Be yourself" does not include say violent anger issues, an addiction, a recent crime committed, or a generally unpleasant personality. Those are obviously not things to encourage. You can understand they may be a thing that happen to you, and accept it in your life, but that's different from being proud of it or encouraging it.

Speaking of personalities... let's talk about that

2 - Be kind

Now when some people hear that, they think it means "always smile no matter what, always look happy and positive, always agree with everyone just so you don't hurt their feelings, and never cause any drama", like you're Deku in My Hero Academia or Steven Universe in his titular show.

But that's... not quite that.

Obviously, kindness is something you use to help people feel better, to cheer up, and feel happy, and obviously to be kind, you need to have compassion, heart, empathy, and always put yourself in other people's shoes regardless of who they are. But it is not necessarily all-encompassing.

There's a rule that I think anyone learning kindness must learn. It's that sometimes, kindness means to be firm.

Not mean, of course. Not judgmental, not insensitive. Don't insult anyone, don't belittle or patronize anyone or make them feel inferior to you. That's still very rude and that's not what you want.

But what I mean is that sometimes, if you know that a person's actions towards something are wrong, especially if it's towards someone else, you must be able to point it out, and act accordingly. Don't just stand there and agree with them just because you don't want to hurt their feelings. You must still be able to know right from wrong. Kindness just means you won't be an ass about it, it doesn't mean to stay silent.

Hey, that brings me to point three!

3 - Show your own opinions

If there's one thing people hate just as much as meanness, it's those who stand by and do nothing about it.

Regardless of if you agree with them or not, if you say absolutely nothing when genuinely bad behaviour is happening, out of fear of "starting a fight", you are actively making the person who is being attacked feel alone.

I remember myself, when I was bullied in the first two grades of secondary school (11-13 years old for those who don't know) for "being ugly", I was told by my mother (who was friends with other kid's parents) that some of the kids "didn't hate me" and "didn't agree with the bullying". And I asked her "if they don't hate me, why won't they talk to me?" She never managed to answer that one. And it broke my heart, because outside of my sister, I had no one else.

Don't be like that. You may be scared of acting, but you know who would be grateful if you did act? The victims. And isn't their opinion of you much more important than the opinion of someone who acts with hatred and bigotry?

If you see someone suffering injustice, or even just hear someone who has a rather harmful opinion, don't be scared to tell them that you disagree. Obviously don't be an asshole about it, stay civil, but if you voice out your opinion, you will be seen as someone who stays true to their beliefs and is brave enough to stand up for them if the opportunity comes.

There's obviously much more that comes with social life (nonverbal cues, sense of humor, timing and mood), and I don't know everything (I'm just some random québécois girl on the internet). But I hope this was a bit more helpful. I did have fun writing this, at least. So I guess that's better than nothing!

475 notes · View notes

moonbxbiee · 3 months

Text

Contrasting Hearts- Yang Jungwon

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Prologue- In the bustling halls of Yonsei University, 'Yang Jungwon' cut a figure of popularity and prestige. With his sharp wit and grumpy demeanor, he commanded attention wherever he went. Yet, beneath the facade of confidence lay a young man burdened with restrictions and frustrations, yearning for an escape from the unwanted pressures and people in his life.

On the opposite end of the spectrum stood 'Moon Collins', a ray of sunshine in a world often shrouded in shadows. With her carefree attitude and a heart full of love, she floated through life with ease, cherishing every moment spent with her loved ones.

Moon prepared to make the journey from Seattle back to Seoul after six long years. When their paths inevitably crossed, sparks flew as their contrasting personalities clashed. Their initial encounters were marked by arguments and playful banter, each one vying to outdo the other with clever retorts and witty comebacks. Little did they know, fate had a different plan in store for them but don't wanted to accept it.

Unbeknownst to Jungwon, the girl he confided in every night, the one he jokingly referred to as "his therapist," was none other than Moon herself. Their connection, forged through late-night conversations on Instagram with a stranger, was about to take on a new dimension as their lives intertwined in unexpected ways.

Contrasting hearts masterlist

Non idol!enhypen × My original characters

Gener- social media au with written chapters/one shots, multiple pov's, crack, fluff maybe some other things we'll see.

Tropes- Stranger to enemies to lovers, Slow burn,He's dumb and she's even dumber, Grumpy X sunshine, Slight angst

Caution- Mature content (only implied on the legal line and only in some parts), Swearing, Drinking/smoking, Past traumas and violence(I'll add more if I need to)

Author's note - hey! Hope you're having a good day or night. About this story I know I've made a very long prologue and i explained too much hehe... but apart from that I've already started posting this story on wattpad in early February but later I found it a little difficult because of the genre (smau) so eventually I stopped but now I've decided to continue posting this story on both of the platform I mean here and wattpad. (Tho I need to edit a lot on wattpad now)

And maybe you will find some grammatical errors since English is not my native language

Also this story is 17+ in my opinion but maybe 18+ in few parts (if you're a minor please don't interact)

I hope you guys will enjoy reading this. if you wanna get tagged on the tag list just tell me in my ask(☆⁠). Feedbacks will be really appreciated and helpful for me♡

If you read all my blah blah till here, some flowers for you💐

thankyou so much🥰

We'll post a proper introduction soon along with profiles.

Till then bye bye!

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

24 notes · View notes

banghwa · 1 year

Text

Like Crazy (2023) as a discussion of (queer) loneliness

hiiii anyways i keep saying Like Crazy is incredibly bisexual/queer and its been hard to explain why without writing an essay so. without further ado:

*DISCLAIMER* I am not claiming I know anything about how Jimin identifies or the intended message of the album, nor am I claiming my interpretation as above any other. This is just my reading of FACE and Like Crazy as a gay person of colour and a grad student writing a thesis on transness where I discuss topics of loneliness as a systemic form of violence and intimacy. I am also looking at this from a very Western perspective; though I know there are likely many Korean and likely queer Korean authors, theorists, and poets evoking similar ideas, I’ll be making reference to authors that I am familiar with who are better known in a Western context.

Loneliness as a cycle of abjection

“I want to introduce Jimin’s true feelings that I didn’t bring up anywhere else. I looked back on myself and honestly expressed my […] emptiness and loneliness.”

I don’t think it would take a particularly high level of analysis to conclude that FACE, and Like Crazy more specifically, are meant to explore loneliness as a process of self-alienation. Non-binary author Olivia Laing describes the cycle of loneliness as one where:

“[…] the lonelier a person gets, the less adept they become at navigating social currents. Loneliness grows around them, like mould or fur, a prophylactic that inhibits contact, no matter how badly contact is desired. Loneliness is accretive, extending and perpetuating itself.”

It’s very clear from the beginning of the music video for Like Crazy that Jimin struggles with reconciling a comfort in loneliness with a need to experience intimacy. Regardless of his efforts, the rot of loneliness is never far, seeps in through the walls and stains his hands. As (ironically) relatable of an experience as loneliness is, it does not occur in a vacuum. Rather, the unique experience of queer loneliness and rejection is one riddled by othering from acceptable sexuality and gender experiences and an inability to be framed within normative categories. Robert Phillips, scholar in language analysis as it pertains to gay male sexuality, wrote on abjection through a trans studies framework. To him, the process of horror or unease that defines abjection, through which the “other” is separated from and by an “us,” goes beyond “casting out” and becomes more interactive process; the hegemonic is protected by rejecting whatever does not conform, that is ambiguous, that does not fit in box. “The anxiety at the root of this unease with transgender subjectivity can be traced back, in part, to a fear of the ambiguous.” Loneliness, like queerness, acts as a sort of mark of Cain, a characteristic that becomes so impeded in our being that it if first noticeable and then rejectable.

Despite being marked by loneliness, Jimin is the center of attention for the first act of the music video, featuring him crowd surfing and posing delicately for pictures. Yet, despite his yearning, he makes no move for intimacy. The music video implies the possibility that it is the result of this very hypervisibility as a figure of softness and boyishness, inviting parallels to be made here with the foucauldian references and the power play between surveillance and identity in other areas of the album, namely Set Me Free Pt. 2 (a discussion for another post for another time…..).

Hedonism as an escape

“[Like Crazy] expresses the emotions of the moment when you run away from reality to forget your wounds.”

The overlap between loneliness and overt sexuality is why eroticism is so culturally important to queer communities. Like Crazy explores desire and intimacy through what can be called a queer lens, as an escape and as an unsuccessful means to being perceived and acknowledged outside of suffering. The whole poem is absolutely beautiful, but a specific excerpt of gay Asian-American poet Ocean Vuong’s On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous comes to mind: “Don’t we touch each other just to prove we are still here? I was still here once.” As Like Crazy, Vuong’s poem discusses intimacy as the antithesis to loneliness. To be intimate is to come out of ones self. The erotic becomes an avenue to salvation (I will permit myself a little shoutout to Christian mythos by drawing parallel to the Song of Songs - we all dream of kissing God, of laying with the presence of something larger than us, and finding deliverance from it!).

Like Crazy communicates a power struggle between desperation for intimacy and an addiction to loneliness. What Jimin says about it and the juxtaposition with the actual visuals of the music video paints the picture of an attempt to build closeness on the foundations of perpetual solitude. In Like Crazy, closeness is futile. Loneliness becomes a lifelong lover, and intimacy an occasional affair. Though still better than perpetual solitude, it is marked by disillusion: “I’d rather be lost in the light.” Rather than evoke the image of a passionate one-night-stand, it acknowledges of the persistence of loneliness. queer latino write John Paul Brammer evokes this feeling:

“Loneliness, I find, continues too. Our relationship with solitude is one of the most important ones we have in this life. No matter how full and vibrant and loud we make things, the quiet always finds us.”

Despite Jimin’s desires for closeness, we don’t actually see him making any move for closeness. Rather, despite his best efforts, he walks against the course of those around him in a repeated shot before knocking the camera’s lens away; again, a parallel to the surveillance of set me free, as well as a possible denial of him pace against the grain.

Queer desires and longing

“Let me have a taste / Give me a good ride.”

For non-queer people, what is difficult to understand in the particularities of queer loneliness is its entwining with desire. It’s an unspeakable yearning - as much in the ways it is indescribable as it is often life-threatening to do so. It is a profound sense of non-belonging felt in the knowledge that you are not as others are or see you because of a fundamental issue with how - and for whom - you experience desire. As a result, the erotic and sexuality along the margins of what is normative, i.e. reproductive cisgender heterosexual missionary sex after marriage, are profoundly radical and embodied manifestations of queer desire: kink, bondage, leather, sadomasochism, casual sex, chemsex, etc. all contribute to this expression of queer intimacy and self actualization.

I know I’m being a little dramatic in the set-up here but it is really difficult to try to explain this inherent outcasthood to straight people. It is such a specific experience that is so untranslatable, and yet it is a feeling that I pick up so strongly in the Like Crazy music video. The remedying of sexuality with the profound alienation that queer people feel up until, very often, a dramatic and self-destructive discovery in young-adulthood, is something that straight/cis people just can’t understand. Leading African queer scholar and (erotic) writer Keguro Macharia writes:

“what is the taste of loneliness? / salt-bitter-sweet-nothing / after midnight, in cars, in booths in sex shops, in dark bedrooms, in anonymous hotel rooms, encounter after encounter, trading orgasms for ‘hold me’ and ‘let’s cuddle’ ‘if I suck you off, will you cuddle with me’ ‘if I let you fuck me, will you cuddle with me’.”

I’m not knowledgeable on kink culture so I won’t get too into it but I think it’s really interesting how submissive the lyrics come off. What is striking about the way Like Crazy approaches desire that sets it apart from any generic “we found love in this club”-type pop song is its desperate tone rather than one that boasts virility with promises of a “good time.” Instead, Jimin is the one pleading.

Queer loneliness as liberation

“She’s saying, ‘Baby, don’t think about it / There’s not a bad thing here tonight.”

Like Vuong’s poem, Like Crazy could also become a larger question on a heterosexual culture that is increasingly anxious about bodies and touch. The music video can be clocked as having the intention to discuss the erotic - the Robert Mapplethorpe reference is enough to assert this - yet it does so very tamely. Everyone is clothed, no one touches too much, the atmosphere is fun, chill, controlled. Jimin, despite his expressed desperation for closeness and hedonism as told through the lyrics and through his interaction with those at the party, through the careless throwing back of shots, does not find what he needs. The environment is too controlled, too “straight” (as in “proper,” or “innocuous”). He himself does not find any intimacy. He stays at the center of it all, untouched, and not daring to get closer.

Something that is reflected by a lot of trans theory writers (some whom I’ve read including Paisley Currah and Dean Spade) is that the normalization process in inclusion produces and reproduces ideas on who is and “insider” and who is an “outsider.” I read a bit of Melissa Caroll’s thesis on the political implications of queer loneliness as part of my own (much shorter) thesis. In it she discusses how “straight” culture, through the aforementioned social accounting processes, delimit the realm of the socially accessible, in a process Denise Riley calls loneliness. Caroll says:

“Currently, any public declaration that “I am lonely” presumes that we are registering this feeling based on what we have been led to believe that loneliness, as a term, means: sad, alone, lacking, in need or want of friends, odd, bizarre, queer, and unhappy.”

Heteronormative abjection of queer and trans modes of being are increasingly reclaimed as constructive and disruptive political strategies. As postmodernist feminist scholar Julia Kristeva writes, abjection is “the place where meaning collapses.” Rejection of inclusion to instead embody abjection and loneliness is another cornerstone of queer self-affirmation that is explored, again, through the erotic and the sexually obscene. The tame nature of the music video, Jimin’s desperation, implies a dissociation from himself and a refusal to face himself. There is an acknowledgement of the futility of his desires for closeness beyond what he is “marked” for, that it will “break” him yet he refuses to be “saved.”

So, regardless of whether Like Crazy truly is an attempt to explore the unique nuances of queer loneliness, it is clear that what it does discuss is struggle against self. The music video depicts not romantic rejection or conflict, but rather an imposed alienation. A self-rejection from an objected self and from a normative way of life. The stained, leather clad hand presumably belonging to Jimin himself dragging him to the party, the knocking away of the camera as a refusal to accept a self or to showcase that “wound,” the interplay between the warm shots of androgyny and desire contrasted with the cool setting of the club. The premise of the music video and its use of a movie itself is a refraction of this longing and abjection in a way; what does it say to attempt to translate a profound feeling of disorientation and loneliness within a normative context through the reference of a romance film featuring a White, conventionally attractive, heterosexual, cisgender, normative couple as a man of colour often read as gender non-conforming?

TLDR: Whether Like Crazy or FACE globally means to discuss queer loneliness and desire, the way they are ultimately explored and the play on gender and belonging imply a framework that is, intentionally or not, queer.

#this is excessive i know. im sleepy n i need to shower ill prbably come back together and chop it down to half wtv #im not joking when i say its long. be warned.#essayposting #🏹

139 notes · View notes

leresq · 11 months

Text

Rocket Raccoon Character Analysis

As I explore the character of Rocket Raccoon and reflect upon my own experiences, I find intriguing connections that resonate with my identity. Rocket Raccoon is a complex character who, despite being a talking raccoon, struggles with various challenges that resonate so perfectly to me, it feels as if he was made specifically for me.

Rocket's portrayal as a social outcast strikes a chord with me, but there’s something more than that. I often find myself feeling disconnected from the people around me, struggling to fit into societal norms and expectations. Rocket's alienation from society serves as a reflection of my own experiences as a social outcast. However, it isn’t just that I don’t fit in because I don’t want to, it’s because I have been told to mould myself into something I am not from birth. Rocket wasn't born, he was made. He didn't get to choose how people would perceive him, that choice was made for him. Rocket is constantly shown in media to be broken or scarred, and that this is something that should evoke pity out of the audience. In the MCU movie Guardians of the Galaxy we see a scene where Rocket's back is exposed, showing metal bits embedded into his skin, probably to hold him together. This isn't a modification Rocket chose for himself, his cruel creator chose it for him. I, as a transgender person, experience this every single day. I am stuck in a body I didn’t choose for myself.

Rocket is verbally abused constantly since the very moment we meet him. He is called creepy, beast, weird, and many many other names meant to degrade him. Even his friends constantly call him these things. Even if people don’t tell me these things, I can see it. In the language I am referred to in, in the ways people look at me, just like the way Chris Pratt’s character looks at Rocket’s ‘disfigured’ back. I am not natural. I am not normal. This is not something I can change, to even try to ignore it is a death sentence, it’s to kill a part of me and walk around with the shrapnel stabbing at me. I am forced to be who I am in a world that considers the very idea disgusting, or to turn myself inside out trying not to be that way.

Rocket struggles to accept compliments and praise, and he returns any attempt at them from others with insults or brushing it off. I, too, find it difficult to receive praise and often downplay or dismiss compliments directed at me. Rocket's tendency to deflect compliments mirrors my own challenges in acknowledging that others do care for me. It’s much easier, more romantic at least, to live in a world where absolutely nobody accepts me. It is not very easy to come to terms with the fact that there are not only people unlike the system I am stuck in, but that those people are finite. I don’t want to accept that these people are real, because if I do it simply shows that I have vulnerability, I have something that can be taken away from me. Rocket pushes people away for what he considers the safety of himself and the safety of others. He tends to disregard his own emotions and consider them irrelevant if it means that others might be inconvenienced, as I often do. Rocket’s desire for connection despite not knowing how to attain it aligns with my own yearning for meaningful relationships. We both long for connections that go beyond surface-level interactions, but often struggle to navigate the complexities of building and maintaining those connections.

If Rocket's journey is to have a happy ending, everything that is crucial to society, both fictional and in the real world, would have to be torn down. That’s what I admire about Rocket. He will never be accepted, he will never be normal, and yet he keeps going, he keeps fighting and walking and flying. And it’s the fact that he does that, not just why, that makes him such a personal character to me.

#transgender #nonbinary #furry #trans #rocket gotg #rocket raccoon #GotG #gotg vol 2 #gotg vol 3 #posting this before I watch gotg vol 3 #character analysis

26 notes · View notes

welivetodream · 7 months

Text

Crippling loneliness in the age of the internet:

"Why do people have to be this lonely? What's the point of it all? Millions of people in this world, all of them yearning, looking to others to satisfy them, yet isolating themselves. Why? Was the earth put here just to nourish human loneliness?"

~Haruki Murakami, Sputnik Sweetheart (1999)

Let me set the scene:

In a dark room, the only light is coming from the phone of a girl laying on the bed, as she mindlessly scrolls for hours on end. She is typing fast, she is running multiple apps in the background, she is listening to the latest hits while doing all of this, her earphones never leave her ears; even when she closes her eyes, she is still listening to a podcast. Despite all these activities happening around her. The girl looks bored and apathetic, her eyes are blank, no emotions, no thoughts. And for hours to come she stays in that state, waiting for something to happen, even if it doesn't, she doesn't care.

This could be the opening lines of a sci-fi novel but this is actually how I act when I am alone. This is how my life has become. And while people like to blame this on the internet that has made Gen Z mindless zombies; I think the only reason I haven't died is because of the internet. To normal people it's a curse that makes humanity fall to its lowest. To me it gave a purpose, a want and a direction to live for.

The Internet isn't the evil mastermind to me, it's a necessity that has kept me alive and not succumbing to the fact I have no one to talk with.

Internet to me isn't Instagram, Snapchat, Discord,Twi--X (someone stop Elon Musk from cooking), it's the "quirky" apps like Pinterest, Tumblr and Reddit as well as the depths of content that is YouTube. It's the places where I found "my" people who understood me, who accepted me, who appreciated me. Growing up I had no one to talk with, even my own family wasn't understanding, let alone my friends.

During my school life I had always been surrounded by friends or as I like to put it, people I can talk to and have lunch with during school hours. That's what it was, nothing more than that. My idea of friends was just different from others, I didn't want emotional connection or people to hang out with. I wanted friends who would listen to my ramblings and be able to debate and discuss things with.

I don't want to seem pretentious or snobbish and definitely not above others in any way. But....when I am surrounded by so many frustratingly stupid people, I don't have any other words to describe them than "not good enough for me". They may be wonderful people, who are warm and lively. I do not care about being around such people. I am someone that watches video essays on morality, ethics, philosophy and analysis of movies and TV, in comparison to the people I know I am just more perceptive and thoughtful and that alone makes me seem like a stranger to them (INTPs are weird in short form). My dad told me smart people have it hard to make friends because of this exact nature, I wouldn't call myself incredibly intelligent but I know I am far more capable in thinking than my classmates who watch reality TV shows and Tiktok dances. Sometimes I cannot even comprehend how people can even get satisfaction and happiness from something as simple as that and that's when I understand: it's okay to be different than that and it's okay that they are "normal".

I feel like I am Lain from "Serial Experiments Lain", as if my existence is given meaning by the internet and I was born from it. My lack of social interactions in person can be explained by that, but it's the thought of talking with other people that often scares me. I am used to being silent, so much so that even on the internet, I remain quiet, not interacting with people who might understand me. Being afraid of not being understood has stopped me from even trying to make connections when there's people ready to do that.

I don't even reply to comments on my posts, unless I have to and I don't talk with anyone on the internet itself. I just watch and be happy at other people's interactions and feel a sense of belonging.

For some days I decided to stop doing that, to stop the vow of silence. To let people approach me and approach others myself. I want to be friends and it's the only thing that I have ever considered as something I couldn't achieve.

Loneliness isn't as pretty as the movies and books tell you. It's more of a psychological thriller than a show like Euphoria and Skins where these stylised depictions make my depression and loneliness appear cool. It's cool to be alone, to have my own space and not cross boundaries but it's not cool to let the loneliness that shields me, devour me.

12 notes · View notes

boundinparchment · 1 year

Text

Deus In Absentia - VIII

The first time was a coincidence. The second time was a fluke. But the third time? You were starting to think it was fate. Or, more likely, a calculated trap. Reposted from my previous blog, @/zhonglis-empty-wallet AO3

He was softest in the darkest hours of the morning, you discovered; when his mind and hands needed a reprieve and yearned for you instead of his precious creations. Some nights, the title of lover lingered in your mind. Those moments were glimpses at the person that, in a different, kinder world, he might have been.

“Everything has improved with you here,” he mumbled into your shoulder. “So much easier, so much better.”

You enhanced him, his work. You.

Your name on his lips was probably the closest he ever came to uttering a prayer.

You weren’t a proper Archivist, certainly not by Akademiya standards, yet he found something of value in the quality of your work. In the comfort of your presence. In you.

The Great Work kept you busy, long before the erosion of professionalism. So much needed to be properly archived and preserved; a good chunk of it required transcribing because of centuries in a previous environment, one that was often a dank, moldy cavern. Delegating only did so much.

Winter made everything harder. You endured a broken radiator in your study, under the impression that maybe it just took a little time to turn on every unit (or perhaps Pantalone simply needed to be reminded that the cost was worth it). A week passed before Dottore stormed in, muttering something about your notes being illegible. You assured him you were well, suppressing a shiver all the while, but there was no hiding how cold your hands were when he pressed your palm to the corner of his mouth.

“No wonder your notes are sloppy,” he mumbled, eyes falling from you to the silent radiator in the corner.

Dottore gave the heater a swift kick, the device silent, without so much as a creak or click in response.

“Gather your things and use my office,” were his final words on the matter.

The next morning, you found a new radiator installed and a beautiful (too beautiful for the likes of the lab) coat draped on the back of your chair. Soft, well-crafted, and warm. Too expensive to accept, but you couldn’t not be without a coat in a Snezhnayan winter, either.

It was a statement, one more subtle than his usual boisterous behavior. Then again, his scheming was never straight-forward. While you were respected among the other Fatui when you spent time in the Palace above (or as respected as someone under a Harbinger could be), people talked.

It was a delicate balance.

One Dottore cared little for. Social convention meant almost nothing; what use did he have for it outside of diplomacy?

He was particularly proud of the marks on your neck, his handiwork on display.

“Let them see,” he growled when you attempted to cover up the blatant teeth tracks on your neck one morning. “I care not for the opinions or thoughts of those who could never understand. Anyone who talks knows they’ll end up on my table anyway.”

That fear kept eyes from lingering too long, from whispers dying out as you approached. It was especially noticeable when you joined Dottore for important dinner parties or other affairs, wherever he needed to be. You were only ever introduced in your role but a silent undercurrent that you were close to Dottore ran through each interaction, each moment. Every party was more lavish than the last, the status of a Harbinger extended to you in the form of fine clothing, finer wine, and exposure to the world you only ever heard of in storybooks.

It was clear that Dottore didn’t enjoy these things the way other Harbingers did. He played the role he needed to, for the Tsaritsa, for the cause, but his mouth twitched in a frown for most of the events. Useless wastes of time, he often muttered, before taking your hand and stealing you away as soon as convenient.

Not that you could really complain. You had even less in common with your hosts, with fellow guests. Dottore was simply sparing you the awkward moments, you rationalized.

Both of you worked together in a rhythm that no one else could follow or comprehend.

And even if they could, they wouldn’t, you knew.

The world would never be that kind.

But that wasn’t a world you wanted to be part of. Not anymore.

____________________________

He sang sometimes, when he thought no one was around, when he thought you weren’t listening. One song was from Fontaine, you could tell by the rhythm; another from Sumeru, the cadence quicker, more jovial.

Until one day, he told you to stay behind after receiving a missive from the Tsaritsa. He returned with a blank expression, much like the one he wore in Mondstadt, and went back to work in his private study as if nothing happened, slamming the door behind him.

A crash. A bang. Something shattering. Shouts.

Not an unusual occurrence, really. Or perhaps you were just used to his mercurial nature. He tended to cease his raging fairly quickly, or at least cool off just enough to form a plan of action and articulate it before trailing off into incomprehensible mutterings. Usually, his tirades lasted all of ten minutes, often less.

This time, however…

The arm of the clock was long past the usual ten-minute mark.

And you could still make out shouts from below, no longer in familiar Sneznhayan. The lab assistants were restless, no one brave enough to dip their head into your office and ask , but constantly walking past your door in an attempt to look busy.

Your connection to the Harbinger wasn’t exactly a mystery or a secret down here. If Dottore could be heard ranting and raving, you were certain other things were heard as well.

Just when you thought he was finally finished and silence fell over Haeresys, you heard your title shouted at the top of the Harbinger’s lungs.

The trek down to his private study felt like a lifetime. You entered after knocking and, once the door shut behind you, you came face to face with the results of Dottore’s wrath.

Ink dripped down the wall where he’d thrown an almost-full bottle of the substance, staining the stone and everything else in its path. Papers were strewn about, books dented and boxed from the force at which they were thrown (you tried not to wince at the way some of the spines were snapped and pages were bent). Shards of porcelain and glass glittered along the floor and his desk, remnants of drinks and food among the remains. A white coat was thrown haphazardly and laid alongside broken vials and test samples, most of which would have to be done again.

The man himself was slumped over the back of his chair from behind, as though he were looking over another’s shoulder. His eyes were locked on the desk but they were glazed over with memory, lacking their usual sharp clarity.

You were used to his scars by now. The map of his previous life laid bare.

Harbingers were meant to abandon their former selves.

It felt sacrilegious, if such a thing applied, and yet a privilege all at once.

Something cracked underfoot as you took a single step forward; his mask, thrown with abandon, forgotten. Dottore looked up, the fog of memory finally lifting from his gaze, crimson eyes as cold as blood-stained snow.

“Failure. Complete and absolute failure.”

He tacked on your name at the end of his sentence, dropping all pretense of titles. After all, what power did they hold any longer in these four walls? You knew each other as only lovers could, there was little left to hide.

You knelt down and picked up the mask, brushing it off. Upon inspection, the crack was only surface-level, repairable, a vein running across from the left eye, down the nose, and ending near the upper lip. You laid it carefully upon the desk but the Harbinger made no attempt to reach for it.

“Inazuma was all but guaranteed, wasn’t it?” you asked, ignoring the will to mentally note what, exactly, would need to be reproduced now that most of his notes were ruined.

Dottore let out a derisive laugh, teeth bared.

“That’s just it, isn’t it? It should have been. And then some insolent Traveler snatched everything out from under us.”

He stood up and pulled his shoulders back, folding his arms behind his back as he began pacing.

“But perhaps it really isn’t that simple,” he muttered. “Sending the Balladeer back to his homeland was a gamble, one I insisted upon. Imagine, if you would, Archivist, a husk once intended for an Archon obtaining a Gnosis. A puppet cast aside, too imperfect for such a divine device, defying the stars. I was so close to finding the missing piece…”

Dottore brought his hands up and ran his fingers through his hair, tugging on the teal locks, his hands flexing as he sought his next train of thought. He spoke quickly, trying to both process and come up with a solution, as if the latter was buried within the former.

“The Crimson Witch, defeated by an Outlander who controls elements without any kind of assistance. Kunikuzushi is running around with a Gnosis and the capacity to become an Archon, assuming he managed to figure out how. Years and years of carefully made plans, enacted with precision…only for betrayal and death to follow in their wake…there is no room for such imperfection…”

The weight of his words made your stomach drop.

La Signora…centuries snuffed out in an instant…

“Do be sure to cover her history, Archivist. Rosalyne and I have… had …our differences but she was formidable and dedicated. One did not think this day would come…least of all for the Crimson Witch of Flame.”

You stepped tentatively towards the Harbinger, careful to avoid glass and questionable substances. His mind was elsewhere again.

“The only saving grace from Inazuma was the stock of fresh test subjects Pierro sent over. The rest was fucking waste of time and resources.”

When you reached him, you pressed a tentative hand to his scarred cheek, not knowing what else to do or say. The loss of two Harbingers, even if they all bickered and fought amongst themselves, was still a loss. But there was no room for grief, to mourn. Above all, the Gnoses must be collected. Plans must remain in play. That Dottore was absolutely pissed was understandable.

He leaned into the touch, posture sagging and arms falling to his sides. For now, his rage had passed.

“The plans for Sumeru and Fontaine cannot be anything other than absolute perfection, Archivist.”

“And they will be,” you reassured him. “After all, aren’t failures simply prototypes for better versions?”

“One such as myself does not deserve your kindness, nor that of Nasha Tsaritsa,” Dottore whispered, his eyes locking onto yours as he cupped your hand and pressed his lips to your palm. “Nothing lasts, Archivist. But I am inherently selfish. I want nothing more than to take these moments before they, too, vanish.”

#bear with me it's almost finished being crossposted #ah yeah so i wrote this under the impression dott was from fontaine i am almost certain #so this is not accurate in the slightest #dottore #il dottore #il dottore x reader #dottore x reader #dottore x gender neutral reader #il dottore x gender neutral reader

20 notes · View notes

deepestuniversallove · 2 years

Text

If you cannot accept that I cannot immediately answer messages, or that I sometimes disappear for weeks on end, we cannot really be friends. Because you got to understand, I have anxiety in social situations. I have AVOIDANT personality disorder. I AVOID people, it's in the name!! I am convinced that I am inherently worthless and that my presence is a hindrance to others,and this is why I don't reply so fast and end up ghosting people. I am afraid to hurt them, and then my absence causes that fear to come true, because they take my absence to mean that I hate them, when the opposite is true. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. And then when they lash out at me and say they don't wanna be friends any more, all it does is lead me to the conclusion that i was right. I am WORTHLESS and a BURDEN, or else I wouldn't have been dropped like a hot potato.

Fuck humans. Fuck human relationships. The only beings who love you without prejudice will always be animals - even the most vicious dogs seem to like me and not judge me. Wild Crows flock to me. Pigeons sit on my shoulder. Rats boggle when I hold them. At least they see me as worthy. At least they don't complain about feeling "attacked" because I chose to self-isolate for a while. While humans always do.

Too many people I considered friends end up dropping me, and you still tell me I am supposed to TRUST? To open myself up for another round of hurt that will come FOR SURE? Fuck that. I'd rather be alone, and kill the last side of me that still yearns for connection with others of my species. No one cares about me, so why should I give a damn? And yet I want to love, and I want to care, and I DO. Even if it seems like I don't because I am gone for a while, I DO. I just have this expectation that even if we are apart for a while, we can still take it up where we left off, you know? I have the expectation that you won't take it as a personal attack when I don't answer for a while. I expect that you won't take my absence as hatred. In my eyes it is love - I spare you having to deal with a burden like me for a while.

The neurotypical people won't understand this at all. And the social media and being connected online 24/7 has made so many people think that you now have to ALWAYS be available. But I can't. I just can't, my personality disorder doesn't allow for that. Leave me alone, I need to be alone, having to reply immediately or you will explode in rage will make me upset.

Or maybe all I find are abusers and people who wanted to use me for my goodwill. I sent them presents. I drew them pictures, taking time i don't have out of the busy day. And what do I get in the end??

"EWW, you are too old for me, you are creepy. You are unhealthily obsessed with fictional characters!"

- YES, maybe I am, but you know WHY? BECAUSE THEY DON'T BREAK MY HEART AND STOMP IT TO THE GROUND. They are the only safe haven for someone who fails at social interactions. And they will STAY the only safe haven for as long as I get rejected over and over again. As long as I keep losing friends, they will be the only constant I have. Can you really blame me for that? All humans have to have SOMETHING to rely on in their core. And the fictional characters, as sad or unhealthy as it may be, are that thing for me. So don't go around and blame me for it or call me cringe. I would have died at age 11 if they weren't there, for I would have had NOTHING. But of course, people who have a loving family, or a normal upbringing can never understand this. They have a support system to rely on, a net to fall into. I only have a bottomless abyss with no net beneath me. If I fall, I'll die.

And you don't understand the agelessness of it all. My body may be 33, but my mind is stuck at a younger age, perpetually. I don't have a clue on how to navigate social relationships. I don't know how adults can do it. No one showed me and thus I never learned. My narcissist mother only taught me that this is a "shark eat shark"-world and I am just a small fish. Even if I have one PhD or a million, that doesn't teach you anything about relationships either. Intellectual pursuits may not make up for the emotional black hole in me. I understand why I do what I do, intellectually, but I am unable to DO something to change it.

"Then just stop being avoidant and get out there!"

- I can't. I want to,but I can't bear even the CHANCE of being rejected again. Of opening myself up only to be discarded like so much trash. Even 10+ years long relationships aren't safe, that is what I experienced. You go through so much together, sacrifice so much of yourself, only to be told "Hahaha, you are so pathetic, to think I have ever loved you." How often can this happen to you before you are entirely jaded? How many times before you say "fuck this shit, I'm out, I won't play a game i cannot win" ??

If you don't want to be my friend any more because you outgrew me, all the more power to you. Congrats, you get to be a neurotypical normie. And maybe it is good you left me behind, the perpetual burden. Go on and thrive and don't look back at me!!

But for me, all I got is myself. And the question:

Who will leave me next?

And

Is just surviving on my own really enough to live?

#AvPD #avoidant personality disorder #avoidant attachment #actually avoidant #relationships

145 notes · View notes

monarch-enthroned · 8 days

Text

Companionship

This will be rambly, and long, but I'll be content to just get it out there, even if nothing comes of it.

Me:

I am Irish, and in Ireland. You can see what I look like here. I'm 6'3". I don't have abs, but I'm decently fit, and more than strong enough to throw most people around. I have been told that I have very kind eyes that make people feel safe, and intensely frightening ones when I am angry. I'm on the quieter side, with most people, but that's largely because they don't interest me, and tire me to interact with. I get along much better with people that share some of my nerdy hobbies - videos games, comics, written roleplay, fantasy, monsters, and so on.

I am not, by most standards, an ambitious man. I have no interest in partaking in capitalism any more than I have to in order to be comfortable. I work nights in a superstore, stocking shelves, and while it isn't amazing, it's steady, and comfortable enough for the time being - I work to live, not vice versa. I want time to enjoy my life, to write books, to love and be loved in turn. I am firmly against bigotry of any kind, yet I lack the energy to be an activist. I have an extremely low social battery, but for the right person, I can happily spend all day interacting without tiring. I am loving, gentle, compassionate and patient. I have a tremendous desire to control, to dominate, to use. I am demisexual, but for the right person, I want to constantly grope and finger and fuck and fill them. I am understanding, a good teacher, and emotionally intelligence. I am strict, demanding, and cold.

I don't really care about distance. I have had LDRs several times over with ladies in America, with multiple visits, despite my relatively meager finances. It's something I am happy to save for, and is worth the expense.

I want it all. I am tired of the endless, fruitless search.

What I desire from life, more than anything, is a companion. Not, as so many seem to want, just a slut, a slave, a warm set of wet holes to use and abuse. I want someone that I adore with an intensity to shame the radiance of the sun, with a timeless, earnest, scintillating sincerity to outlast the stars. I want to love someone completely, unreservedly, unabashedly, with everything that I am, and know that that love is returned in full. I want someone that I can relax around, that I can be myself with, that accepts me for who I am, flaws and all.

I want my best friend. I want the love of my life. I want someone that I can spend every hour of every day of the rest of my life with, and never tire of them, never feel that I need to shove them away or grow bored of them.

I want a warm set of wet holes, a slut, a slave, to use and abuse, that is the woman I dedicate my heart, mind and soul to. I want someone that embodies everything that I desire in a companion.

Someone that is content to be a homebody with me, to revel in each others' company, to spend hours together playing games, writing, pursuing artistic endeavours, playing board games, watching things, or just existing in the same space together in a contented fashion. Someone that I can spend hours in the company of and not feel the itch to get away and be by myself. A nerd. A geek.

A submissive. A woman that wants to wear a mental collar at all times, as much as a physical one. A woman that yearns to submit herself not just to anyone, but to /the one/. A woman that makes her submission an earned privilege, a gift, that knows that submitting to someone is a gesture of utmost trust, intimacy and respect, something that a dominant has to be worthy of in order to receive. I enjoy brats, or switches that need to be forced into the sub mindset, but docile subs that offer submission selectively are welcome as well.

I am naturally domineering by nature, but in a quieter, calmer, more relaxed manner. Confidence, control, self-assurance and dignity should ever be understated yet everpresent. I am steady, reliable, and difficult to fluster. I firmly believe in respect, courtesy, consideration of others, and basic human decency. I hold doors open for everyone, help people when able, and generally try to be kind when the opportunity allows, despite my deep cynicism and dislike of the general public. I am protective, possessive, nurturing, warm and doting. I am cruel, cold, sadistic, and brutal. I will cherish the one I am with endlessly, shower her with affection and attention, and strive to make her life as wonderful as I can. I will abuse her, use her and degrade her as if she were my private plaything.

Physically: I love big, shapely, soft asses. Thick thighs. Wide hips. Soft bellies. A woman that jiggles when she walks. Plump. Curvaceous. Voluptuous. I have a strong preference for pear-shaped, bottom heavy women, though I am not at all opposed to those that fall more into the hourglass archetype.

Kinks: Anal. Rimming. Butt plugs. Anal creampies. Spanking. Choking. Hair pulling. Deepthroating. Using her throat as a masturbation aid. Collar and leash. CNC. Corsets. Lingerie. Possessiveness/territorial marking. Biting. Humiliation. Discipline. Domestic servitude. TPE. Fishnets. Free use. Goth. Somno. Watersports.

If this resonates with you, and you feel like you could be the companion I yearn for, feel free to message me or send an ask. I may be slow to reply, but don't let that discourage you.

0 notes

stem-sloop · 2 months

Text

imagine we do resume contact (which, has already been previously stated to be a possibility), what then? She's shown no interest in maintaining an active conversation with me during my time of shown, apparent interest---the period of time from which i started "our" conversations. It has been me the one to spark each and every interaction we've had and such has an issue which is the clear precedent i've set of interest towards her---and thus the lack thereby of hers towards mine how i wish not to be at the will of a woman who has all the power in the world to make me happy yet has decided to leave me in this desperate liminal space of loneliness rationally i fully accept the fact that i am not to talk to her in---at the least--- a brief brewing hot stew of time for the time being. I understand the very limited concept---that i daringly call strategy--- of cooldown that i've implemented---thing i've already stated was an inevitability either way--- with her. But I cannot accept it any other way. What is rationale without the uncopious mind of the being, controlled not by logic and arithmetic but the very heart and thought that dares him to grow closer to that person, that urges him to form a connection so deep and entrenched in this terrestrial sphere, so as to leave with more than he came to it with but is it so hurting that she is not of the desire to speak to me, and of rather ignoring whatever bridge ive tried to build in an attempt to have her cross through the river she so humbly walks on the other side of? Yes it is so hurting. And it burns. It is a burning cruelty that which has been done to me. What is being done to me. And this fire is one flame i cannot let go of. I hold it with both hands in an endearing effort of dumbfounded hope, one in which i may say i can't bring myself to fully believe on, but which i nonetheless second for myself to hang on to. life must not be a solitary confinement if it is this hard to feel without, and so easy to feel with. We have been created to be social, to love and to be loved, and we yearn for this very simple state of being; and yet, it is oh so hard and it has become oh so difficult to achieve it by normal means that now i succumb to the personal yet universal ascetic and ethereal ground that many so many of others have made a home of

#2 seconds may be too merciful perhaps 1 and a half

0 notes

plutothe-pup · 5 months

Text

RP RESOLUTIONS AND HABITS:

TW: .........i used a lot of memes............im sorry. idk how to be serious. im in a silly goofy mood idk. do u see the header u know what u signed up for ok

Real TW: very minor drug mentions.

Write your RPer Resolutions for 2024! (What are some goals for yourself as a writer? Improve descriptions? Plot with more members? Etc.)

Once again, I am asking myself to learn how to plot. That is going to be the theme here, just wait. Seriously though, I am pretty terrible at it. I do not like to approach people because I am........... idk weird. I am somehow anti-social even online and tend to just sit there twiddling my thumbs instead of reaching out. It's been a problem for me for literally ever. Sometimes I even get scared when people reach out to ME. But one year maybe we will get there. I also want to get back to regular activity. I've been really slipping these past few ... well, years I feel. I want to be more consistent at the very least, and not just post, disappear, spam, disappear, etc. I know I say this every time - but maybe just once: do a big plot. Do a big plot for yourself buddy. You can do it. Best Supporting character's get a sequel spin-off series one day, right. Just do it. JUST DO IT. I also feel like my writing recently compared to years ago has gotten poorer in quality. Idk what that's all about but I would like to improve that. Make proofreading a thing for me again 2024 or whatever.

me @ myself:

Write at least one resolution, or “goal,” that you have as an RPer for your character(s):

Oh - you....... you think I have GOALS? (tbh I think they align with my character's own. We're on the SAME TEAM)

Greg: RECONNECT WITH HIS PARENTS. This was like a silent plot I started literally over a year ago where Gregory got more and more distant with his parents until they stopped talking entirely and he moved out to live at R2F. He's been on and off about trying to reach out - and this is the year to do it. Also probably come to terms a bit more with his relationship with Zero. He's comfortable in it and loves Zero very much - but there's that voice in the back of his mind still saying that he'll leave. Sebastian: Get over his crush on Lo that he did to himself. I want him to fully accept uncle life. To get over his fear of hurting people. Milo: BREAK. HIS. CURSE. .........nah. That's not my goal for him this year lmfao. I want him to find his passion, actually. Will it be in working out and being a jock? Does he actually have a fond passion for cooking? Does he yearn for theater? Fawn: Get her into TROUBLE. I didn't really do much with this yet, but she's a TROUBLE MAKER. She's nearly been kicked out the hollow for god's sake. She is a TERROR. It's time to UNLEASH IT.

Write at least one resolution IN CHARACTER for your characters. What do THEY want to accomplish or change in the New Year?

Greg: Reconnect and apologize to his parents - but to do that... kick the minor drug problem first. Sebastian: Don't die. (.....i can't stress enough this man doesn't have outlooks) Milo: BREAK. MY. CURSE. Fawn: Discover a new creature in Enchantra! Befriend the creature! Train the creature! Sick the creature on Eboshi so it eats her and the forest is free again :)

List one or more characters you have never interacted with that you would like to do so:

.....disclaimer: I have bad memory now. soooooo. if we did interact and I list u here I am so sorry i am so so so so sorry.

Clarion: For obvious reasons, and also as stated above - Fawn is on mighty thin ice in the Hollow, so I think any interactions between them would be great and funny. And........ well maybe she gets kicked out oops. Doc: I'm not counting twitter interactions - I just think because of the whole Luca thing, I feel like Doc has flip flopped on his opinion of Milo multiple times and it would be funny for them to finally meet and talk. (and prove he's a good boi!) Any of TAM'S characters strictly because - I believe u have escaped me so far. Eluded. (That's not hard, as we discussed in point 1 I am very inconsistent) That should change!! ....I am sure the format of this post is very enticing...... sorry.

Talk a bit about your plotting style – what plots are you most drawn to? Do you prefer to come with a fully-formed idea and plot off that, or throw stuff at the wall and see what sticks?

And here dear reader we return to the beginning again. Roll credits: oh man, I simply do not. I am by default a 'buckle your seatbelts and lets just see wtf happens' kind of person simply because I am SO BAD at plotting in the first place! So many of my 'plots' revolve around other people's well equipped talents, or throwing my characters at opens/events/etc and seeing what disaster strikes. I'm just doing drive bys at all times of day.

Talk a bit about character relationships – what relationships are you most drawn to? How do you prefer to approach shipping (if at all!)? What, specifically, are you looking for right now for your character relationships?

I love just good old fashion friendship and family relationships! Like I adore the relationship Milo has with Pip/King/Luca. The Greg/Jun relationship, Sebby and his bros. I think it's pure and good and writing BFFs getting into dumb things is my favorite. I also like BEEF. I am a fan of rough-housing so to speak. Drama? Sure. Pile it up. Beef? Grudges. Fights. Whatever. It is okaaaaay. I love a good ol' beefin' between people. Same as above. I barely plot as it is - but when I do, it's definitely not relationships/shipping. In fact, I don't really 'ship'. i don't plan around ships, I don't get characters for ships, I don't anticipate ships. If one develops while throwing fruit--- I mean characters at other people, then that's great! That's how.......... both of my current relationships are! Phineas and Fawn were completely random and not at all my intention but they vibed from the start and it happened to work out in the timeline. Gregory and Zero were incredibly unlikely but started talking here and there, and Z and I didn't really say........ anything to each other at all until they were kissing in Pixie's and even then - we didn't think they'd become a #thing. ..........which they did. So I'm pretty much just...... looking to expand on the ones I have? Explore Phawneas a bit and see what on earth is going on inside their head, see where Glo takes us. ............figure out if Seahound can survive not jumping each other's bones forever.

Plotting Exercise! Pick one of the resolutions/goals in #3 and plan a rough guideline to how you could accomplish it.

..........what if I said no, huh? I'm so BAD at this (it all comes back to it yanno)

GREG TALKS TO HIS PARENTS:

GREGORY and ZERO have a discussion post-Zero's parents coming to town, where ZERO tries to prod about what is going on between GREG and his parents, and Greg comes clean to him about the fight that happened between them. Zero gently offers to go with him to talk to them but Greg doesn't think it's time yet.

Still too uncertain, GREG asks IAN if his mum has said anything about Aubrey, or about Greg. He tries to gauge if his parents have been talking about him to their friends, if they're upset, or if they've moved on.

PLOT CALL: Gregory anonymously looks into sources for mental health, and tries to find people with experience in the same struggles he's had. He either forms or joins an anonymous online/twitter support group for such problems / group therapy.

Having overheard various times through the grapevine, GREG finds and approaches TAD to see if he can talk to him about his recovery and sobriety and find advice/guidance for that path.

Knowing that he might get the most brutal honest answers, GREG confides in JUN and asks his advice on what he should do or how he should handle it.

GREG finally bites the bullet and drags JUN and ZERO to his parents house for support to talk to them again after over a year of radio silence.

PHEW. A tough one.

Anyways. ...........................

my deepest apologies again. idk what happened. this did start serious but then it went off the rails. it's sincere between all the...... whatever that is.

#swyntask #Swyntask: Resolutions #........idk how to explain myself #or anything that happened in this post #so I won't #sorry #this is probs just best kept for myself #scroll by thanks

1 note · View note

femdomliterature · 6 months

Text

FemLit 0475 - My Story (Part 3): Sexual Kinks ... True love understands ... true love indulges

Let’s begin by defining what a kink is...

According to Wikipedia: In human sexuality, kinkiness is any unconventional sexual practices, concepts or fantasies...

The women and men of “Conquer Him” must understand that all conventional sexual practices, concepts or fantasies were selected by average humans and became socially constructed sexual norms. This means, someone made up what is acceptable and what is not acceptable and taught others to follow these expectations. But why do we judge ourselves by standards that an average minded human set? Why is the term kink something we should be ashamed of?

A kink is usually something that is abnormal to ‘proper’ society. But what is ‘proper’? An average mind created what is proper and taught us to feel shame if we do not follow the directions from his average mind. Anyone who deviates from what his average mind could conceive as acceptable would be labeled weird or worse yet, wrong. This should never have happened. Why must we allow others to determine what are acceptable forms of love and relationships?

Most people have social deviances related to sexuality but the more insecure they are and the more they yearn for social approval, the more they hide their deviant sexual desires or try to enforce those average social norms on others. You can always tell the most insecure minds; they are the ones trying their best to force others to interact with others and live lifestyles that are aligned with socially accepted ideals. They are following the rules mandated by society and it makes them angry when others develop the freedom to be true to themselves and their natural desires. Instead of being happy and enjoying their lives, they form organizations trying to stop others from living and loving the way they want to. Their secret rationale: If they can’t be free to love in their own way, why should others be free?

True freedom in our society will come when people are free to express their sexual preferences without judgement so that they can indulge and enjoy themselves without harming others or themselves in the process.

Since this has not happened yet, I want to be sure to offer a bit of support as you try to decide just what is acceptable as a sexual kink and what is not.

Everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial.

The key to truly enjoying your sexual life is to find a partner who can not only accept your sexual kinks but also appreciate your sexual kinks. And vice versa.

For women who are trying to understand why your partner has deviant sexual desires, it is important to value the fact that he shared them with you in the first place. When your partner shares a sexual desire that is typically thought to be deviant from what is acceptable, they are standing before you completely naked and vulnerable, inviting you to know who they truly are.

They are offering you the trigger to their pleasure and satisfaction while risking rejection.

When a person shares this part of themselves with you, you should react with appreciation because they obviously trust you enough to stop pretending to be socially acceptable. When expressing this level of trust by revealing who they really are, they are expressing the most sincere form of love. Appreciate that.

You are under no obligation to indulge them in their sexual kinks but when you realize that someone loves and trusts you enough to stop wearing a mask you might find that what you once thought was so disgusting isn’t so bad after all.

True love indulges... True love understands...

#femlit #female led relationship

1 note · View note

elevateherja · 10 months

Text

The Introvert’s Dilemma: Dancing to the Beat of a Different Drum

Naturally introverted, selectively extroverted. -The Minds Journal

Step into the scene: the air buzzes with vibrant energy, laughter cascades through the room, and animated conversations intertwine like a symphony of sound. But amidst the lively gathering, there you are—a lone wolf in a quiet corner, an introvert navigating a world of extroverts. Welcome to the enigmatic life of the introvert!

While extroverts flourish in social interactions, we introverts often find ourselves wrestling with the perpetual struggle of feeling like square pegs in round holes. Introversion and extroversion, like yin and yang, coexist in the grand symphony of human personalities. Each has its own unique melody, and here I stand, firmly planted on the introverted side of the scale.

While my extroverted friends effortlessly command attention and effortlessly navigate conversations, I can’t help but feel like a solitary note, out of tune with the vibrant harmony around me. Now don’t get me wrong—I cherish my friends and their vivacious energy. But truth be told, there have been countless instances where I’ve felt like a mere observer in my own social circles, struggling to keep up with their rapid-fire banter.

It’s not that I begrudge their enthusiasm or harbor resentment for their outgoing nature. On the contrary, I stand in awe of their ability to effortlessly connect with others and illuminate any room they grace with their presence. They draw people in like moths to a mesmerizing flame, while I find solace in the embrace of solitude.

As an introvert, I revel in deep, meaningful conversations that explore the depths of the human experience. However, amidst the uproar of laughter and ceaseless chatter, these moments often drown in the sea of noise. It’s not that my friends purposefully exclude me; it’s simply that our communication styles differ. While they readily share their stories and experiences, I silently absorb them, occasionally chiming in when I can muster the courage.

Navigating an extroverted world as an introvert presents its fair share of challenges. There are times when I yearn to be the life of the party, surrounded by a whirlwind of friends. But that’s not where I find my true self. Instead, I discover my authentic self in the serene moments of introspection, in the tranquil embrace of nature, and in the solace of a good book.

Yet, amidst occasional bouts of self-doubt, I’ve come to embrace my introverted nature as a strength rather than a weakness. It has bestowed upon me the gift of empathy and a profound ability to listen, qualities that often go unnoticed in the clamor of the world. Through introversion, I have observed and understood people on a deeper level, fostering genuine and lasting connections.

These connections have taught me that it’s perfectly acceptable to not always be at the center of attention, and that even a soft-spoken voice holds immeasurable value.

Over time, I have grown to appreciate the balance that my extroverted friends bring into my life. They urge me out of my comfort zone, encouraging me to experience life beyond the confines of my introverted shell. Through their companionship, I have discovered that it’s okay to push my boundaries, to embrace the exhilaration of lively gatherings, and to dance to the rhythm of life without hesitation.

But amidst the exhilarating chaos, I have also learned the importance of setting boundaries and cherishing moments of solitude. As an introvert, I recharge my energy in the stillness of my own company, recognizing the necessity of self-care to be the best version of myself when engaging with others.

Being an introvert among extroverts has been an awe-inspiring journey of self-discovery. I have learned to navigate the intricate dance of social dynamics, finding comfort in my own skin and celebrating the magnificent diversity of personalities that shape our world. My journey continues, and while the spotlight may never fully embrace me. Yet, with unwavering confidence, I say that I am naturally introverted, selectively extroverted. I wholeheartedly embrace my introversion and all the enchantment it brings to my life.

So here’s a toast to all my fellow introverts out there—embrace your uniqueness, for it is a mesmerizing melody in the grand symphony of life. Let us revel in our quiet strength, for it is in the depths of our introspection that we find our true power. Together, let us paint the world with the vibrant hues of our introverted magic.

Till Next Time!

#lifestyle #introversion #extroversion #social dynamics

0 notes

sleepless-in-transitory-thoughts · 1 year

Text

Living the dreams of the boy who never saw the light of day:

I went to the casting for Erik Yvon's AFW runway show. It was the first casting I have ever gone to for anything. Basjia was kind enough to put a number of people forward for casting and I was one of them. Just this one act of kindness, made me feel seen. It is really nice to feel like someone out here, believes you are capable of something that you doubt you have the look or ability to do. I know that I love and believe in myself, but others may or may not (which I am okay with...but it does feel really nice when others see you).

I don't have any particular attachment to getting it or not. I am just grateful that I got to experience doing a casting. I never in my life thought I would ever get the opportunity to do casting for anything. So doing this casting is honestly more than I could ever ask for already--teenage/early twenties me would think thirty-six year old Shin is so cool. At the same time, I believe that I am living my early twenties the way I deserved to live it the first time round but never got to. As wise as I am now, I feel like I'm ageing backwards (perks of being trans and autistic, I guess...hah).

I used to be an extremely shy and anxious person. I would get extremely self-conscious and feel a lot of shame eating in front of people other than my family, when I was a teenager, just as an extreme example. I would also freeze up socially because I didn't really know what to say or do. Also, when I first started to play dj sets here in Melbourne about 7 or 8 years ago now, I would get crippling stage fright. I would be trembling as I was using the CDJs and mixer. Words cannot describe the amount shame, self-hatred, unrealistic pressure and extreme anxiety I used to experience over absolutely everything. It was a truly suffocating existence.

Nowadays, I walk balls, pose for photos and I perform in front of many people. Whilst I still get very nervous and anxious, I can mostly get myself through it and any shame around looking dumb or doing it wrong, is manageable. Me doing a casting in front of people who work in the fashion industry, one of the most daunting and most toxic industries, is a massive achievement. To me, I had already fulfilled a dream. Anything beyond this, is a beautiful gift and experience that I will cherish and make the most of for however short or long a time it lasts. I might add also, that one of my techniques for easing anxiety is to have no expectation of an outcome in the first place. Because anxiety is about gaining control of future outcomes that are usually bad (so basically, anticipating disappointment, hurt, loss etc). When you don't expect anything, you are free from the attachment to the source of your expectations. Expectations seek to acquire, which is okay and normal for things like, when I go to Coles, I expect that the price for a 1.25L Sprite is under $5.

I think I am fast learning that I don't need to search too hard to find myself. I love, appreciate and admire who I have become today and how I continue to learn and grow as a human walking the soil of this dying planet. I know that I am a much better person than I used to be. I have made mistakes and I have hurt people and myself in the past, but I have learnt forgiveness for myself and that I must continue my learnings and make good of them henceforth.

Whatever happens with this casting is beyond my control now and I am okay with that. I do not create friction or flow against the fabrics of what is already in motion. I do not fret over what I do not know about this. I have full acceptance of what is--and what is has not yet arrived. Until it arrives, it does not exist in my universe. I do not interact with what does not exist materially for me in this physical realm and dimension. That is called a delusion. Sometimes an obsession, a yearning for, a desperation...a crease and a friction in the fabric of destiny.

0 notes

edwintumaliuan21 · 1 year

Text

College Life: A hard yet fulfilling journey.

The years spent in college are often regarded as some of the most memorable. From school life, it is altogether different. We are exposed to new things and experiences during college that we were not previously exposed to. Some people believe that living it up and partying hard are essential components of college life. Others, meanwhile, need to take their careers seriously and devote themselves to rigorous study in order to have a better future.

But for everyone of us, college life will always be a special period. Not everyone has the good fortune to go to college. Many factors prevent some people from having the opportunity to attend college. Sometimes they are unable to do so because they lack the necessary financial resources, while other times they are burdened by additional obligations. Those who have experienced college life often yearn to go back in time and relive it all. Mo

A friend is someone you can rely on no matter what happens. Although it is cool to say "they are my friends, finding some can be challenging.

College can occasionally be like a test to see who your true pals are. College will undoubtedly reveal some of the true friends that can last a lifetime and some of the friends that tend to fade as the years go by, whether it be the best friend you have had since kindergarten or the friend you just made in your last year of high school.

The kind of friends you meet up with and can have a relaxed, unhurried discussion with as if you hadn't been away from them for very long are the kind of friends you don't have to talk to for a year and in just one day.

On the pictures above, these are my sole friends that i did not even expected to. At times when my whole world was crumbling. At times when i am filled with excitement and joy, they were the ones who are there. they were the ones who accepted my whole being.

I was never really that friendly in the past year levels. During elementary up to senior highschool, I was branded as the school nerd. I was just that at the corner reading a book, or scrolling up and down the internet. Knowing all of these, it is then evident that I did not know how to socialize. I was used to not having any interactions. I was used to not having friends. I was used to being alone.

Despite that, me being socially inept, it was a golden moment for me when people started to approach me. At first I did not like it. It made me uncomfortable but as time passed by, it became my safe place. It was warm, kind, and gentle. It was healing the past me. It was golden and I am forever grateful for these people who taught me that I am not alone and that I am important.

Furthermore, i never expected to be an officer of my department. I was appointed as the PSG Auditor. At first it was fun, but as time passed by, it got heavy. Mountains of responsibilities were given, it was tiring and i wanted to quit.

But, being in the PSG office gained me something. And it is friendship, although i want to quit, i will never quit on them and stay with them as we all struggle. At the end of the day, after a huge task, it always pays when i see all of them lit up with glee, with smiles that goes up beyond their faces.

WHY DID I CHOOSE PSYCHOLOGY DESPITE IT BEING HARD?

Choosing psychology comes with a lot of stereotypes. "Why choose psychology? It barely gains any salary"; "Can you tell what I am thinking?"; "I am crazy, can you tell?". These are only a few. Despite studying psychology has been a dream, and it is what keeps me going. Let me tell you my motivations and transformations all thorough out my journey.

As an aspiring psychologist, I am motivated to focus on my studies and advance towards my goal of becoming a psychologist by the remarkable transformation I have personally undergone as a result of the therapeutic relationship's strength that I created with numerous people.

If i am not mistaken, family is something to he considered... home. But what happens when that homes also serves as a wrecking ball to crush everything on it's way. As I go on with my life, I wanted to change the flow of my family. I wanted to know what was wrong and what to do to solve it. With that in mind, i am inspired to try and be a catalyst for this kind of change in other people's lives because I realize how much self-reflection, the priceless lesson of how to learn from pain, and developing a deeper awareness of who I am have improved the quality of my own life and so does the ones of whom i hold dear. Knowing all the things that I have been through, i'm driven to inspire individuals so they can be self-assured enough to not feel weak and alone and if they want to inspire, they can also do it.

I keep in mind the influence that the work I want to do has on people's lives and those around them when being an aspiring psychologist feels especially difficult. I firmly believe that major change begins at the individual level. If we want to live in a world where the earth and all its inhabitants are valued, we must start by working on ourselves. To be honest, my mental health was also a wreck, I was unstable and even did lacerations to somehow divert the pain, but it did not alleviate the pain rather, it only pilled up.

Studying psychology for three years has been amazing yet tiring most especially the hectic schedules that reaches 8 pm. Despite that I always go back to my roots on why i started, it is to heal myself and also others.

I really want to support people as they go through a change to become more tolerant, sensitive, and loving individuals. I believe that individuals are nicer and more loving to those around them when they are more at ease and accepting of who they are, i learned this the hard way.

Although psychology is hard. The journey was a good one. I am only half-way towards the end. I hope and pray that this journey would lead me to my destiny. Dear God, if it is your will, i will follow

I have experienced a lot and i will continue to fight for it. From school struggles, tasks, and even love life. I will always cherish them... FOREVER

To the one reading this, have a good day!

SOME COLLEGE PHOTOS...

0 notes

solaceharbor · 1 year

Text

Diane Ackerman said "As a society we are embarrassed by love" and "Love is the most important thing in our lives, a passion for which we could fight or die, and yet we're reluctant to linger over its names." While bell hooks said "I stand before this reminder that we yearn for love- that we seek it- even when we lack hope that it really can be found."

I spend a lot of time thinking about female sadness. I don't think it is as welcomed and encouraged as some would like to believe. Yes there are the indie girl sad songs, the sad girl monologues, the poems, and TikToks, and memes but still I see women cry and feel ashamed, I see women cry and be shamed. Our tears are portrayed as a little more dramatic, a little more pathetic. There is just so much shame surrounding female sadness. And still, I think there is more shame surrounding female loneliness.

To not just be sad but also unwanted. I can confess on my private Instagram story that I've cried this morning, written and scaled down to the smallest size, like a confession, almost begging the reader not to see it but desperate for them to care. I can make that admission. But I wouldn't dare confess that the cause of those tears was the loneliness I have been feeling for the past 2-going-on-3 years. You can be sad for lots of reasons: a bad grade, a hurtful joke, a break up, a movie, hormones, but to confess to my loneliness is the admission of only one thing: to admit to being unloved and unwanted. What could be worse than saying 'no one wants me. no one notices if i am present or not. no one has missed me all this time'? It's like a stain.

No one wants to draws attention to stains, soiling an otherwise okay dress. You try to scrub it away, bleach splashed against its surface, angle it away in pictures, cover it with your hands, or you don't put the dress on at all, don't bother buying it from the store. If I say I am lonely I am saying that no one wants me. Who wants what no one else wants? Isn't that proof of the defection?

But I am lonely. Devastatingly lonely. I don't know what to do with it. I don't know what to make of my hands.

The cultural landscape of social media chastises individualism while telling me I need to learn how to be by myself. That I must not only be by myself but I must also love it and cherish it. bell hooks says “But many of us seek community solely to escape the fear of being alone. Knowing how to be solitary is central to the art of loving. When we can be alone, we can be with others without using them as a means of escape.” I'm desperate for love, it's true, or maybe, more honestly, I'm desperate for care and attention. I suspect if I wasn't so lacking in self confidence and so repressed I would be accepting it from people and in places that I shouldn't. I question sometimes if I miss the friends I used to have or if I'm just tired of being alone. Are all those friendships substitutable? I don't disagree that we should all be able to withstand being alone and enjoy temporary solitude but sometimes I feel like it's working in the wrong direction. I am not choosing to be alone. I am not choosing to be lonely. I don't want my solitude to be me making the best of a bad situation. As someone who finds themselves drained by social interaction being by myself is not something I am scared of. I would just like a choice in the matter. People aren't a means of escape, yes, but if we need others the way we need food, if hunger is when we should eat, is loneliness not a good motivator for seeking companionship? Why do I have to be self-fulfilled to find community? How do I be self-fulfilled without having community? How can social creatures be self-fulfilled? I want to have a fulfilling relationship with myself and I want to have a fulfilling relationship with others but it feels like I need one for the other and there's no way out.

A poet on Instagram by the username forvagabondsfromclown said 'I would like to have something of my own. A person, a song, a book, anything that would just be mine. I am not possessive, it's just that I never had anything of my own. I have been hungry for far too long and I don't want it to devour me and I don't want to eat just about anything. I think it's all a metaphor for I want something that touches back and wants to be there.' And it's true, I don't want to eat everything and anything that is offered to me and I don't want to starve but I haven't come to any conclusion other than that.

#loneliness #female sadness #poems #prose #words #into the void

1 note · View note