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bunnakit · 4 months

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bake me please finale thoughts, feelings, etc.

normally i only break down whole eps for last twilight but this finale sure is. a finale. definitely is one of those.

this shit with the social media feels very dramatic for some cakes. like??? listen, i work in social media for a small company, this year we had something VERY major fuck up one of our shipments, but even with that huge fuck up no one responded even close to this lmao. this is ridiculous and overly dramatic - which like, i know the show has been, but this just felt dumb.

well that's not true, you just had a whole fit last episode about how Sweetheart managed to rip off your recipe, so like... someone is definitely making that cake, bud. i don't get his obsession with the torta caprese, you are not the only one capable of making it. make a fucking croquembouche and then i'll be impressed.

and once again Peach saves the fucking day. how did any of you live without him? like honestly, the amount of physical and emotional labor Peach takes on is INSANE. why is he the most well adjusted person in a group of 5 adult men? i'm begging you all to pass the singular brain cell you share around.

not that Peach is perfect, because he then lies to Guy, says he has the flu, and expects Guy not to show up and try to take care of him? buddy Guy is besotted with you, he cried because you were crying, of course he's going to try and come take care of you.

so here's something i liked about this conversation - that there was a conversation. Guy found out Peach lied, Peach apologized, and they talked it through. not all of Guy's responses were perfect but he listened and he didn't shout or lash out. he took time to hear Peach and understand what was going on.

and instead of shouting, he tells Peach to go.

so there's absolutely a parallel here to draw between Shin telling Guy not to come back and Guy telling Peach not to come back - just like Shin, Guy is hurting. he doesn't want Peach to go, doesn't want to say goodbye, but he knows that's what Peach wants and he's willing to let him go. the difference comes in that this is very likely also the perfect opportunity for Guy to seek some distance. he's recently been rejected by Peach and knows there's no place for his feelings with Peach, so it would be better for them both if they can have that space.

he communicates it in a way that's better than Shin, without the shouting and the hurt and the insult, just a quiet resignation. and you see Peach isn't that upset, not even half as upset as Guy was when Shin said the very same thing to him - because Sweetheart isn't where Peach wants to be and both he and Guy know that.

WELL THIS WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE INFORMATION TO HAVE IN EPISODE 1. so Shin, Oab, and Guy started Temptation together and were all shareholders, which is both pretty impressive and makes Guy leaving all the more tragic. i can get why Shin was so hurt, but Guy's hurt is amplified as well because he went into a business with his friends and was sidelined, essentially.

i am so glad to see him come home, though. what Guy shows us is sometimes you need space and time to gather your thoughts, feelings, and gain perspective on what matters most to you. after everything Guy still came back because this place and these people are his home.

"My ego is not as important as this shop and all our efforts."

wow what a mature thing to say, amazing. what a concept. Why the fuck wasn't Guy our main.

okay, I know I'm on my Guy soapbox, I'll get off it soon, but just - Guy being the one to take Peach back to Shin? what the FUCK. it hurts. it hurts so bad. he literally takes Peach by the hand and leads him back to Shin so they can reconcile. from his earlier talk with Shin he knows he feels bad, he knows he misses Peach, and from Peach's rejection he knows Peach misses Shin. he puts all of his own love and feelings aside to bring them back together. i know he did some shady and petty shit but he really is the Guy (lol) of all time.

the fact that Shin apologizes better to Guy than to Peach drives me up a wall. Shin talks to Peach about not being firm enough and being impatient or whatever and it's like CAN YOU JUST SAY YOU'RE SORRY? i'm begging you to apologize for not listening, for calling his dream stupid, etc. NOT FOR NOT BEING FIRM ENOUGH WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?

NO. ANGRY BUZZER NOISE. NOPE. PEACH YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. YOU COMMUNICATED ALMOST THE ENTIRE TIME UNTIL YOU FELT LIKE YOU COULDN'T ANYMORE. YOU PUT THAT 'WE' BACK IN YOUR MOUTH.

their reconciliation just felt so weird, like Shin never apologizes for FUCKING CALLING PEACH'S DREAM STUPID like??? hello? i would not be able to move past that, myself. dreams are all we have in this shitty difficult world and then you're gonna insult someone's dream? get fucked.

okay i'll admit i did REALLY like the parallels of these two scenes, this was very sweet and well done. and that sassy look between Guy and Oab - i'll be a GuyPeach bitch until i die but it was very cute and very suggestive.

i am not buying this for an instant though, from Guy or Oab. i think they both loved Peach and Shin very much, but saying this might make moving on easier for them both. i don't know what world Guy lives in but crying because Peach is crying? that's not something you do for a simple crush. rushing to his house because you heard he was sick? not crush behavior. but whatever makes it easier to move on babes.

having the family reunited after all of this feels so fucking good, though. i'm going to talk about this a lot more later but they're my comfort idiots, your honor.

AND GRANDMA SURVIVED TO THE END!! WE DID IT!!! HELL YEAH!!

alright since this is basically the end i'm just going to talk about the things i liked and didn't like about this show and the ending. i haven't read anyone else's posts because i really didn't want to be influenced and i'm glad i sat with my thoughts for a bit.

what i really enjoyed about Bake Me Please is the warmth of it all and the aesthetics. there are so many beautiful shots in this show it's almost like a work of art. they do so much with light, framing, the food, etc. it really is a delight to watch. the plot was fine, a little rushed at times but that's to be expected with 6 episodes, it wasn't anything special and it wasn't terrible - it just was. i think @mikuni14 really said it the best that one of the most charming things about Bake Me Please is that each character feels like a real person you could come across in your day to day life and this is both for better or for worse, because sometimes people are so frustrating. they don't feel like characters or caricatures but actual fleshed out people and i love that, because i would sometimes forget i was watching a show.

another thing i loved from BMP is Atom and Oab's relationship. it's so easy for shows to make brothers rivals, to pit them against each other, but Atom and Oab have so much love and support for each other and it was so refreshing to see. Atom doesn't want to work at a bakery but he does it for Oab because he loves him and wants to help him - and Oab knows he doesn't want to work there and is doing it in part because of their mother and promises to help and support Atom when he does find his dream. i could watch an entire show just about the two of them, i really fell in love with their love for each other.

i also very much appreciated the reunion and the way they all came back together as a family. they're a collection of broken pieces and i suppose Peach has become to glue to hold them together (though i wish he didn't have to be.) the atmosphere of the bakery is completely changed, there's palpable joy in the environment, and hopefully they can continue this feeling.

now what didn't i like? Shin and Peach's entire relationship feels like such an emotional weight thrust onto Peach's shoulders. at every turn it's up to Peach to draw Shin out of his shell, to mend missteps, to learn how to navigate around Shin, and it feels like Peach dancing with a brick wall rather than the two of them waltzing together. i didn't really find them getting together all that satisfying, especially not once they'd slept with each other. i will say, all of this did put an spotlight on how important communication is in relationships, so for nothing else i suppose there is that.

i guess it's not just Peach either, though. the emotional weight of Shin and his attitude and hang ups is really put on everyone else and very, very, VERY fucking rarely does Shin ever take any PROPER responsibility for that. he says a few sorries, not as many as he should imo, and everyone just moves on.

this isn't just me shitting on Shin, though. i really didn't like the constant referring to Shin as heartless. like, fuck, those are your friends!! the people you went into business with!! ouch!! so i can get why he was a dick sometimes but you cannot go through your whole ass adult life acting like that to everyone. and we do see he has a few wake up calls, especially when encountering Oab's mom.

which brings me to my next gripe - i hope that woman explodes. they showed us quite a bit of her and her shitty attitude and all of that led nowhere. i'm not saying i needed some great sob story of her realizing all the pressure she was putting on her kids, etc. i just wish we'd seen.. more, i guess. even if it wasn't resolved or there was no happy ending. generational trauma is such a hot topic these days and Asian families arguably suffer from it more than others. it would have been nice to see some of that explored and seen Oab be less of a doormat - or at least take steps in that direction.

i also wish we'd seen more development between Guy and Oab rather than just these little crumbs at the end. i can't help but feel like they were two consolation prizes just coming together because why not? and it's like, i don't know, i'd rather see something form slowly over time and maybe before the finale - like simultaneous with them dealing with their feelings for Shin and Peach maybe they also struggle with some burgeoning feelings for each other. i think that's the only reason i can't get into them too much, there's just nothing there for me to really latch onto emotionally.

finally, i'm disappointed Peach's dream is never addressed. sure, they sell his grandma's cakes in the shop now - but those are the cakes that inspired SHIN. everything is once again about SHIN. how is Shin supporting Peach? what is Peach's current trajectory towards his dream? it's giving woman with high aspirations gets married and becomes a house wife while her husband gets all the glory. yuckers.

sometimes the show also just kind of felt like one big excuse to make their music videos. the videos are good! i listened to Poom's on repeat today, but idk. i just wonder why this show was made. what message were they trying to convey? i get not all media has to be this big, deep thing but i just really feel like i missed the why here. maybe it was just to enjoy the aesthetics, the music, and have something short and low key? and if that's the case it did really nail it!

all in all, i'm not upset i watched it, Chef Guy will always have an incredibly special place in my blorbo heart, and i would recommend it for anyone who might want a short, casual palatte cleanser show between heavier shows (i know it has been a great break in my week between all the heavy shows airing right now)

i think we can all agree Poom was the best thing to come out of this show and it was a great way to showcase his exceptional acting skills and put him on our radar. i cannot wait to see more of him in the future.

i hope you guys have enjoyed the gifsets and my rambling, i'm smooching you all, and have a happy holidays!

meta tag loves: @callipigio

#bunn meta #userjamiec #bake me please #bake me please the series #shinpeach #guypeach #guyoab

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andsheoverthinks · 1 year

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on femcels and women's right to be horny (and have feelings in general)

i understand how being voluntarily celibate can be empowering especially for het women, but both men and women are in denial and believe women cannot be involuntarily celibate, even though the person who started the term was a woman named Alana. unfortunately now Alana's movement isn't about shy late bloomers, it's about stupid misogynist hateful serial killer rapist men. i hate that they took this term away from women.

why does everyone talk about Elliot Rodger but not Christine Chubbuck? why is a hateful misogynist serial killer tragic and overanalyzed and moralized and even worshipped while a sad, lonely woman who killed herself unimportant? in fact, many of the comments on a post about her suicide call her ugly or a horrible person, or worse, say they want to see the video, even asking where they can watch it. women's pain isn't real, it's just entertainment.

the way people talk about women's experience of romance and sexuality is very isolating for me. there's this belief that all women are swimming in dick and lusty DMs and men willing to drop everything for us and someone asked us to prom in high school and it's not true. i wish we could have more discussions about women who are late bloomers, women who are horny and unwanted and undesirable, women who are seen as below 'normal women' in a patriarchial society. if you aren't desirable, men may not see you as a sexual utility but they will still see you as free therapy, free to offload work on, and a resource to 'practice on' to learn to court and charm 'real women.' men ask for my number to pick my brain and drain me. to ask me to do their thinking and their work for them.

ugly women are invisible. sometimes this invisibility to men (and women) keeps me safe around them. sometimes it makes me want to curl up into a ball and cry because i've felt so inconsequential my whole life. like sometimes people see right through me.

i am not even that fucking ugly! i am black, and i'm flat chested with no ass, and my face is a little asymmetrical, and my top teeth need braces so i have a better bite, but i'm not even that fucking ugly! i dress nice, and i wear makeup (sorry radfems, i'm weaning myself off), and i smell nice! i'm not even that fucking ugly! i have reverse body dysmorphia or something. i look in the mirror when i've feeling like shit, and think wow, i'm actually kind of cute. would i get followers on social media? no. but i'm not even that fucking ugly.

it's deadly to your self-esteem to know that men would fuck anything and you're below anything. you are not just a woman, which is an object, you are a defective object. it's hard to talk about this because people see sexual exploitation as wrong, but don't care about emotional exploitation. when men aren't sexually active, it's a crisis and we have to talk about legalizing prostitution because women are resources not people, when women aren't sexually active, it doesn't matter because women don't have needs and feelings. especially as a black woman, i am expected to give give give. the only reason my body is not one of things i'm expected to give is because no one wants it. everything else? give give give. ever read the giving tree?

and everyone says well if it bothers u so much there has to be a guy willing to fuck you (use you as masturbation sleeve) somewhere in the world! after all u are warm body w pussy someone will come along to use u as blowup sex doll! go on tinder and sell ur body for $3.50 coffee! you want to have mutally enjoyable sex with someone who cares about you and maybe loves you and doesn't just see u as wet holes w legs? fuck you, uppity bitch! no wonder you're single!

u tried asking men out? they said no? well u must have went for 6 foot 9 figures 12 inch dick man? is that right? no? ofc you did, lying bitch!

no one would ever say this shit to a man. keep your head up bro! these hoes ain't loyal! lemme tell u what, take a shower and get a job and the bitches be flocking to u! i was just like u bro, then i met my hot wife! get ur passport and get out this country, these modern women are ran-through bitches, find urself a submissive traditional woman from (insert Slavic or Asian country).

the idea of femcels, especially dissatisfied femcels, makes terminally online men so so angry. because it suggests that women do have feelings and needs. and we shouldn't. femcels are transgressive. we're not supposed to exist. even funnier, it suggests that some of them whining and raving, have actually been turning down perfectly good women who don't fit their porn-informed standards.

if i say i want to have a romantic experience at least once before i die, i'll be told i'm just brainwashed or dick-struck (never seen one in real life) or some other kind of delusional. you don't really need it. you don't really want it. what is with the obsession of forcing women into self-denial? nothing tastes as good as skinny feels! stop fantasizing about getting to have a sloppy makeout session, you don't really want it. of course women are better than men at reducing their carbon footprint, we're used to limiting our consumption.

but it's not true, i fucked myself up already believing i didn't deserve to experience desire and have a sexuality because i was too ugly and you're not pushing me back there again. being horny is my right, i'm human too.

#ranting #femcel #female hysteria #radfem #radfems do touch #i'm not even that fucking ugly #desirability politics #desirability #misogyny #tw suicide

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fuwaprince · 8 months

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Hi blog, me AGAIN *crowd boos*

Time to dump my hurt feelings into a post before they manifest into something else!

If I begin to talk about vulnerabilities irl no one will let me go on for long... or just sit with me while I think about it and cry... they don't like to hear about homelessness and abuse. About tragedies. About my life!!! About my shadow and heartache! That's really what it is...

No loved ones are willing to listen to the gorey and intense details of my recovery process here (offline) and I can't bother introducing my cascade of problems to a new therapist in 45 minutes only to meet every other week and hope I do something besides bitch. What's the point in that? There's no medical treatment for poverty. No pill for fixing social exclusions. There's no warmth for me there.

To call it a psychological problem on my behalf would be to deny the reality that this problem exists outside of my head. This isn't a matter of mindset or addiction to pain.

I am not addicted to suffering. That is not why I am unwell.

It'd help to know where I could barter someone (who I somehow already deeply trust) to physically hold me. 5 minutes. Lights off. Barely any seeing. Barely any talking. Just a moment of embracing safety and a peaceful quiet.

You don't get to eat positivity for breakfast, lunch and dinner. No one thrived off of just hearing the words "you need to take care of yourself" over and over again.

Can offline people care to do more for each other? I'm asking out of skepticism, not entitlement. Is the world really this helpless to each other now? I don't believe it and it makes this whole thing even more tragic.

It's too much to care for, for them. It hurts them too much to listen or see me crying the way I do alone. It sincerely will bother them for days and weeks to the point of self medication and it's even worse for them knowing I'm not getting better in their eyes. Hair falling out. Bad skin. Peeing in the middle of my worst moments out of fear. Yellow infections smeared and old brown blood. Malnourishment. The times I drop to the floor for a bit. It's disturbing watching someone you've never seen before FINALLY let themselves out. Can you imagine? The quiet friend you know who never cries finally feels vulnerable enough to cry in front of you. Do you perceive him as the most fucked up, helpless and PATHETIC human being on Earth for it? A lost cause? You ask your friend to take off their bandages to prove they aren't exaggerating and they're just as shocked as you are when maggots fall out. What do you do? Leave in disgust or stay? Cry harder than them and tell them that's not normal?

Whatever you do, please don't respond with marginalization. Please don't tell them they don't matter to you because you don't believe they're worth the time of day if they won't be getting better. Please believe your quiet friend is still right there in front of you, quietly trying their best... and if you can't say anything nice at all, tissues are a great resource to pass along instead of demoralization. Is there a way to treat the severely and chronically ill that isn't turning away from them when they ask for help?

Everyone else is already on fire around me and whatever I have to say is such a hazard that they don't want to risk burning up even more by being around any emotional flares. I see the real dangers in it. So they run and scream "fend for yourself"... they treat it like it was my goal to destroy their last shreds of peace... and it never has been!

Why is that perceived as evil and malicious?? Especially when the same group of people suggests "maybe you should reach out". Oh but not to you... And not anyone who I called a friend. And not any of my loved ones or family members. Hm. Well... who does that leave besides my ugly reflection in the mirror?

Imagine your friend saying, "would you like institutionalization or imprisonment? because I am not qualified to just talk to you like a human." Like wtf are you a chatbot????? Did the Creator forget to program your empathy???????

Now I have an "ick". My ick is hearing "grow up! MAN up!". The amount of times I've heard man up makes me not want to be a man at all.

It makes me think being a man = being treated like a machine and at that point why stay running? It isn't for me. It's not as simple as just turning off a switch to escape this either.

Can't blame anybody if they aren't in the mood to sit with someone else's feelings (can be draining) but it's lame when what I get back is unsolicited to do lists At Best... Well, that's not true. Someone hugged me briefly- before scolding me for my inadequacy in a friendly manner. Someone else used my desperation to be held as a gateway to keep touching me (not okay with that btw, that's just how they choose to be and who I'm stuck with if I want to continue having rides to school). I'm starting to get annoyed and frustrated for even trying to reach out. For even trying. I'm trying to be optimistic. Pretending I know there's helpers out there and that I just have to find those people. Pretending that it's okay if I only get worse as long as I'm not alone. It's hard to cope.

Like if I went up to one of the few people around me and asked for a hug shyly, they'd sigh and tell me what I ought to do instead is pick myself up by the brastraps and start doing chores (which are conveniently beneficial for them most times- although I was once assigned "go have fun" which led to some hedonistic indulgence in Bayonetta). Chores are good to do, yeah. Maybe I should clean your place after you CREATE A MESS THAT WASN'T ALREADY THERE for the purpose of me cleaning it and see if it makes me feel any better. Maybe you can reassign one of the chores you actually had onto me. Work is a great discipline. Maybe I needed that too since I like being useful (please use me but don't just use me) but actually- what I was seeking was just a moment of comfort. A 5 minute hug without many words. Maybe just to hear "you aren't alone" but in person... reading it online or writing it to myself is nice. I know humans will always want more but this feels so small to ask for.

If I saw myself, I would hug me. I would hug a stranger covered in piss and shit and ON FIRE with a fire blanket if it meant they could go on with their life knowing a caring someone stopped to extinguish their flames. It won't matter how they caught on fire. I'll understand that things don't just spontaneously combust. I'll understand that they needed help and I won't say a single word if I can get away with it because I don't usually offer many words irl. I wouldn't wait to be asked after glancing over. I wouldn't turn away to let them continue screaming. That's somebody's person. Somebody's kid. My Earth family.

Do burning houses ever put out their own flames? Or is it always other people? When people see their neighbor's home is on fire, do they pray that the universe sends them a rain cloud and call that angel's work? Do they yell at their neighbor "grab a hose" when they see he is trapped in the second story and cannot reach through flaming walls?

I would like my next to do list to be suggested without shame... I want it to feel like a gentle reminder. I don't want it to feel like "Shut Up, Leave Me Be, and Do What I Say Instead Since You're Too Stupid To Think For Yourself". I thought about it btw and I have a long to do list as is. The problem is actually doing it all somehow.

My only answer is to go on without humanity and learn to be a rock or just be happy with the online connections I'm lucky enough to have. I can search for pictures of hugging and try to make it work. I can ask a chatbot to describe it in detail again so I can read it to bed. Wanting anyone is why I'm suffering, or am I just blaming myself for yearning for something so basic to compensate for the members in my Earth family not caring enough to take responsibility for each other? Because communities have been corrupted for so many years by hate and forced isolation that they think it's a way of life? Why keep imposing that way onto ourselves and each other?

Why do we choose "You're disordered? As in acting out of order? How about: Solitary confinement, you threat to society. Here, here's a hammer. Go smash some rocks into pebbles and it'll make the world a better place. You might learn something instead of bothering me."

I just don't see how that's ever going to help the poor human who knows what to do already and can't get himself to do it. Or can't do it alone.

Why do we choose that over "I feel you. I'm here. You're not alone. I'm here. Trust me, it's okay to cry in front of me. I cry too. I promise things will get better. You're brave. You're strong. Thank you for being my friend. Thanks for reaching out to me. I'm glad you're alive. Let's take care of this. Let's get you cleaned up.".

Can I hug myself all alone? I need to clone myself for a group hug because the robots around me forgot they're human too. Or maybe I'm the robot and I need to know my place. Crying. So much

#long post #bring back empathy #bring back love #let it return please

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holiciouspursuitofenvy · 9 months

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It took me a really long fucking time to acknowledge why i can't handle boundaries/end up being manipulative as fuck to real and sometimes online people.

EVERYBODY FEELS LIKE I HAVE TO WALK ON EGGSHELLS WITH! I truly did not understand stand that consciously, i only ever chalked it up to social anxiety. No matter how many times i told myself i wish there was a class on how to talk to people and what people will judge you on.

I grew up with parents who would be gone from home long periods of time (due to their jobs bc we were poor and childhood divorce). And when they came home would either fight eachother or their children (me and my siblings). Belittling us for little things we did or want which oftentimes was extremely normal kid stuff. And because i was the youngest, i was an honorary child of the eldest teenage sister who obviously was a bad mother but also actively bullied me for years.

Not to mention parents who would constantly tell me don't trust anyone, everyone is judging you and out to get you. So they sheltered you home minimizing play time or hanging out with other kids. I actively remember being a kid and trying to set up healthy boundaries like "hey mom, it really hurta me when you yell at me for crying when i get shots or needles, I'm trying my best." And her going "fuck off, you're just sensitive and you need to get over it by now." Or my dad actively triggering me when he does his angry sound tell so i asked him to please do it less and he angrily calls me a child in a long drawn out paragraph and huffs away.

I was/sometimes still am stuck in a toxic cycle of needing to learn how to set up boundaries for myself and telling people, namely my family, to fuck off if they don't. I used to have a hero complex where i would help people at the expense of myself to often but then i said fuck that and now I've made my over defensiveness even more obvious.

But i also couldn't acknowledge this extends to EVERYTHING. In real life when someone says you did a bad thing suddenly it feels like a volcano of the most angry emotions stir inside of me BECAUSE I AM FURIOUS.

I'M FURIOUS that no one acknowledges how hard it was to walk on eggshells all the time. How I'd need to pat myself on the back every time i completed a social interaction successfully or comb through every detail of them to find something to improve on. I never felt i was progressing to normal but that i was stuck incompetent forever.

I get told a lot that I'm very mysterious and never tell anyone anything and this is why. I HAVE MAJOR TRUST ISSUES. This is where the hyper-independence, the closed offness, the combative nature against people i trust especially comes in. Why I'm always surprised people who don't see me everyday or run to me anytime the see me say I'm their friend. I'm sure i came off super cold when i asked them why but i was genuinely surprised. Because being teased, bullied, and dismissed by everyone close to me growing up fucked up my view of people and relationships.

I don't mean for any of this to come off as an excuse but as an explanation. And me trying to reach people who've gone through the same things i have but kept getting back into the cycle of needing to defend yourself by all means possible to people who just said "please stop, i don't like this," or any other variation of you have done something wrong. Especially if you went over the line online and someone said "hey thwt way too over familiar, don't talk to strangers like that." because yea STRANGERS ON THE INTERNET ARE NOT YOUR THERAPIST OR PUNCHING BAGS.

I really need people to understand this isn't from entitlement, it's subconscious mistrust in everyone you meet bc subconsciously i believed everyone was out for me. Someone i needed to defend against before or after they talk to me. No matter how nice and gentle it comes doesn't matter. Everyone has to be lying and think it's the biggest deal in the world actually or this is a greater sign of you being awful all along. Like everone did that to everyone elae. And if anyone just casually calls this narcissism I'm hitting you with a 2x4. Those posts never resonated with me. They felt dismissive for me personally.

I AM ALWAYS IN A PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE VICTORIAN ENGLAND TEA PARTY WITH A BAD REPUTATION. Or better yet I'm always walking on eggshells with people.

Coming from someone who knows they're mentally fucked up but not knowing exactly how for all your life but especially in the past 5+ years of not going to therapy except when it was closeby and free a couple times but never being truly open with them because you learned vulnerability equals dismissal and pain 99% of the time.

So yeah, i highly recommend looking back on your childhood and examining when you were dismissed or had your boundaries broken. Then work on active trust with people and be open to more people because not processing my trauma but trying to steamroll being a functional persom also fucked me up.

#Mental health #Therapy #Trauma #Emotional abuse #Manipulation #Neglect #rant #God that felt good to finally say #I will block any and everyone who tries to dismiss this post as me excusing my bad behavior or “needing to grow up”#Paranoia #Trust #Coping mechanisms #Obviously it's not just a personal responsibility thing but a social norm symptomatic of society that rewards and encourages abuse.

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sw4tch · 2 years

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going on a date this weekend and I'm nervous/happy/scared but mostly i am annoyed that my intrusive thoughts keep yelling at me to "call him your babygirl" because How Do I Explain To My Brain that that is unacceptable and inappropriate behavior on a first date

Like, it is because of my heavy internet brainrot but CMONNNNNNN can we NOT

If he turns out to be submissive and breedable down the line, then maybe we can consider it BUT NOT RIGHT NOW!!!!!! (for legal reasons that is a comment made to lighten the mood).

In all seriousness, the guy seems nice and he's very sweet, so there's that at least.

My honest to god expectations are on the goddamn floor bcus if i don't get murdered then i will call it a successful date. That's it.

But i just had a good cry rn bcus i kept thinking about how the guy isn't the person i love and it made me so heartbroken.

But that's why we're on the dating scene! To move on! To be more respectful to myself! To get experience dating and feel like a mature adult! To grow up! To stop feeling so goddamn scared of socializing outside my usual circle! To live life! To feel fucking alive!

Live Laugh Love babey! I am so sad when i think about how i am planning to yearn for the rest of my life!

But also this is so goddamn scary! What if i really like this guy!!!! When the fuck do i tell him I'm not a woman!!!!!! He will fucking hate me!!!!!!!!!! He will be disgusted, or on maybe the nicest scenario, be like "huh sorry I'm not into that, it was nice to have some dates with you though, no hard feelings" which Understandable BUT I DONT WANNA GO THROUGH THAT

I hate this i hate this im so nervous and scared and angry and most of all I Feel So Alone

I didn't mean for this to turn into a vent, i just wanted to gush about how excited i was but

But also I'm having Big Bpd Feelings About This

I'm tired of feeling like I'll never be loved and wanted

I want to feel wanted

Don't we all?

I'm doing this to myself for my own good.

I cant keep yearning pointlessly.

Right. Right. Right. We can't keep doing this snaily.

Our promise of happiness... Means working towards our own happiness.

Our happiness. My happiness. We deserve that too. You deserve that too.

We deserve to be selfish too. In fact, it's not selfish. We're not doing anything wrong.

We're doing normal things.

It's okay to take your bags and seek comfort somewhere else.

Is it?

I dont

I don't want anyone else but them.

Isn't that the problem? Is it a problem?

I want to go to see the stars too. The sky lighting up with flashes of light. I want to hold someone's hand as I do so.

I don't want to be left in the dark anymore, forgotten and thrown away.

It's okay. I'm giving you permission.

You'll go on a date and you'll have fun, and if things go right, you'll get the most out of this relationship and you'll get to feel happy for a while. And isn't that what we want? To feel happy for a little bit?

That's the problem.

You see this as A Phase we'll move on from. As we await patiently for our love to be returned someday.

Foolish, really.

Foolish, truly.

I don't know how to talk about this.

Here's

Here's the thing.

It's true you know. I'd be happy just by their side forever. Platonic forever. Friends forever and ever, nothing to separate us anymore, just growing old together as platonic pals forever.

But here's another truth: i don't want that if that means i will never be sure of their feelings.

Do you love me? Do you hate me? Are you disgusted by me, and that's why you don't love me? Is it because I'm ugly? That should be a valid answer. "You're ugly and thus not my type" that's valid, that's expected, that's understandable.

But i want to know. I need to know.

I want to hug them so badly. But they don't like that. Makes me feel dirty. It makes me feel disgusting. I'm a touchy person.

Maybe i used to be a touchy person. I hugged a lot. I like getting hugged a lot, but i don't touch people a lot nowadays if i can help it.

But i love getting hugged by people i like.

I can't keep living knowing they'd be disgusted by my hugs. Because Maybe they just don't like being touched. Incredibly understandable.

But i don't know that, so. Maybe i am the problem. Maybe they dont like my hugs especifically.

I don't want them to hate me for how much i yearn to hold them.

But that's why im doing this, to kill for once my feelings for them and move on. Because this yearning is painful and makes me feel so alone.

And when my feelings are dead and gone, then maybe i can finally stand by their side and be their friend forever. Just their friend forever.

And friends get to live different lives apart from one another.

I hate that, for some reason.

Let's go home. Let's go home. I don't have a home anymore, so Let's build a home yeah? Yeah? Isn't that incredibly selfish and depraved?

To want someone that feels like home?

I keep crying even though i started writing this in a much better mood than this one. I was excited about the weekend. Now I'm just.

Well, right now, i am deeply melancholic. But I'll be okay. I just needed to get this one out of my system.

I will be okay.

It's okay to mourn your feelings, snaily. I'm glad you sit with them and write them for me, so i can understand them.

You're loved snaily.

Im sorry you dont feel that way because of your bpd. Please be kinder to yourself. Your friends love you. And one day you'll find someone that loves every part of you. Down to the ugliest, most vulnerable parts of you. And they'll be home. And find home in you too.

For now, let's be strong yes? Let me hold your hand through this.

We'll be okay. These kind of heartaches are normal. Let them pass through you. This is so very human of you, how wonderful.

You're wonderful for getting to experience love in many facets. Even this, is a part of feeling love and loving. We're glad you get to love so much. What a tender soul you are.

I love you, you know that? I'll always love you. This week was hard, right? We deserve a little break. To relax.

Tomorrow we'll get to enjoy a good day. Groceries sure are a chore, but we'll get to eat a little snack. See? You're feeling better already. I love you. Thanks for taking the time to write.

I love you. I love you, i love you. Right now and in the future when you're looking back through these entries, i want you to know that i love you and I'm glad you exist.

I love you snaily from the future, snaily from the present, and snaily from the past.

I love you.

It's late, let's put on a calming video and fall asleep while we listen to it. It'll be a nice way to end the day.

Good night my beloved, good night

#snaily blabber #v ent

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astrologgeek · 3 years

Text

⚠️ I do not give any permission to anyone reading this post to re-post my content nor plagiarize it. This content belongs to me and myself only @astrologgeek ⚠️

My ✨astro✨ notes

Part 1.

This is my first post on tumblr, I've been learning astrology for over a year now - and I have finally succeeded and wrote my own personal astrology notes! ⚠️these are my own personal observations and notes, which means that whatever I'm saying here isn't 100% astrology accurate & approved by any professional astrologer⚠️ hope you enjoy I guess <3 (BTW: if anyone wants to repost or anything pls tag me, and don't steal pls!! I've worked so hard on these.)

• Taurus risings have 2 types of luaghter: crying-like laugh because of their 3rd house cancer or a smirky / deep-like laugh because of their capricorn 9th house. As a taurus rising I approve this message.

• speaking of taurus risings: gemini 2nd house ppl may joke a lot about their self worth. They also have a very big vocal range - whether they can sing or not, they can be great at dubbing.

• Neptune in the 2nd house have dreamy voices / amazing singing abilities or they may sound like a someone that does drugs / smoke / just high.

• having your mars in the 10th house can indicate a modeling career, especially if your MC is in good aspects with your ASC.

• virgo 9th house people have the most provocative sense of humor, they are also a "know-it-all". Yet, they are extremely loyal, so passionate and devoted to their duties.

• whichever house your pluto is in explains your deepest fears and where there is true chaos in your life (I'll make a post about it!)

• having your pluto in libra - as pluto being the planet of our generations - means that these people have always tried to fit into norms and into society, to not stand out, to be the most basic they can try. I believe that if they had a catchfraze it would be: "fake it 'till you make it".

• whatever house you have libra in is an area in your life that tries to fit in norms / society / normality (libra 11th house: have friends that are normal & basic / you try to to fit in society to make friends)

• aries rising's facial expressions are IMMACULATE (aries rules the face, so it's fitting that their face and facial expression will be very dominant)

• if your lilith conjuncts your saturn then solving the dark and hidden parts of you will help your career life grow and evolve as well.

• Mars-neptune aspects makes your anger blurry - like you don't know when your angry or how to feel / express your anger. Bonus points if the moon has contact with mars.

• There are 2 houses that rule the feeling of not belonging: the 11th house (not belonging because ur special, unique, weird, not normal) and the 12th house (not belonging because of your lonely energy, your blurry energy that makes you feel drifted from everyone automatically)

• Parent & children 🤝 not understanding each other's generation. Why, you may ask? Most if the time the age gap between children & their parents is 25 - 40 years, now if pluto is changing it's sign every 12 (mostly) - 31 years it means that the gap of the signs is creating a square! Example: gen z (pluto in sag) & boomers and karens (pluto in virgo), yet gen z (pluto in sag) & gen of pluto in leo (our grandparents) are creating a trine aspect (good relationship between generations).

• Capricorn stelliums are the most impatient people ever, time just moves with their own schedule and they are the ones that are always perfectly in time. Why? Saturn, which is ruled by capricorn: is ruling time.

• 12th house placements in general but especially 12th house NN & chiron 10th house people have a hero complex, that we must help everyone and save everyone. It's because the 12th house is about selflessness and empathy.

• Sagittarius rising feel so intimate and private, like no one really knows them - because of their 12th house scorpio, which makes their intimate side hidden, and makes them a mystery.

• Your 7th house sign is also the sign you have celebrity-crushes & obsessions on.

• You can know leo's even without them having a sun, moon or rising in leo. They are just SO noticeable! Their energy is just IMMACULATE

• I think that 12th house people are very intersted in prisons, mental hospitals, illusions and parties actually! Now all of them are understood because of our natural will to search for the unkown and the mystery and the unrealistic stuff in our lives, stuff that makes your soul change.

But why parties? Parties may be a place filled with people and noise which 12th house ppl won't like but the thing is parties are a fun illusion, with the lights changing all the time and the music that makes our body adapt to an entirely different environment because of it - it makes u very much aware of everything within the noise and loudness and madness.

• Talking about parties and 12th house people - I have noticed that they have 2 options of how they act:

1. They sit in the corner and analyze literally anything or just drown in their own thoughts or distract themselves from "all of the eyes looking at them".

2. They try to dance and get involve in the party but they're or getting to carried away and then feel embarrassed af and isolate themselves or immediately regrets it and goes to isolate themselves.

• 10th house transits for ppl who haven't graduated high school / university yet will be manifesting in their school life because it's where you're "supposed" to find your career path.

• In my opinion, the co-ruler of fun (which is ruled by leo) is sagittarius. Why? Leo rules entertainment and sagittarius is the ruler of jupiter, which resembles happiness, optimism (, expansion, growth) which is like the soul purpose of fun and entertainment.

• Even tho communication and the social media are a mercury - thing, I actually think that specific parts have 2 or even 3 rulers. For example: articles are ruled by gemini, virgo and aquarius (gemini to represent the creativeness and flowing speech in the article (also gossip if included), virgo to represent the order and wording of the article and how it's represented and brought to the readers and aquarius is for the fact that articles always talk about new, innovative or unusual things that are happening currently [little bit of cap right here lol] in the world, which also bring awareness (def an aqua theme).

• As the 8th house representing secrets, intimacy and shared resources - it must mean that people with this stellium or placements LOVE gossip. gossip is the combination of shared resources (media - which related to my last note - so gossip pages are gemini scorpio thing), intimacy and secrets.

• I have a theory - vehicles, as all materials and machines - are ruled by earth signs, so here are each vehicles rulers in my opinion:

virgo rules the air-vehicles (plains, helicopters etc.) Because that's a mutable sign that's adaptable of change the most out of every earth sign, and because the sky is so unpredictable and there's infinite courses of ways to reach ur destination - virgo fits the most to it.

capricorn rules the sea-vehicles (ships, boats, submarines etc.) Because that's a cardinal sign, an initiator that doesn't wait for things to happen, but makes sure every sudden change has a stable solution, also the sea is such an exotic place - fitting for a Capricorn's rich taste in views and life. Other than that, water may be unpredictable as well, but less than the open air and sky. Capricorns are the sea goats for a reason ;)

And last but not least - taurus rules the earth-vehicles. As The most stable, grounded, stubborn & down to earth sign it's kind of fitting for the vehicles that moves through the earth to have taurus as it's ruler. As cars, motorcycles etc. Have roads, so does taurians have their own, only path. They depend on the only thing they trust and any sudden change will make chaos. It's also the most comfortable - the thing taurians are craving for most.

I HOPE U ENJOYED my astro-notes :) I'll def try to keep them coming lmao if y'all would want to. Hope y'all Have a nice day 💕

#astrology #astro notes #witchcraft #astrology observations #zodiac #12th house #taurus #astrologgeek

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super-unpredictable98 · 3 years

Text

Exposure Therapy (The Road Within AU)

Chapter 3: Many More Kisses

Warning: Strong language, depiction of mental illness (including tics), smut

(Exposure Therapy Masterlist)

"I'm sorry," Vincent shook his head violently, pulling back. "I didn't think, I just..."

"Why are you apologizing?"

"I didn't ask permission, I got carried away and I forgot."

"Why did you do that?"

"I just... I... CUNT!"

"Maybe we should go home."

"No, wait, Mona, I didn't wanna scare you, I..."

Without thinking about it, I ran away. I felt like he was mocking me, like that one time in middle school when I was at a party and a boy asked me to dance. I said yes, we twirled around the room until I noticed his friends laughing in the corner and filming us with their phones. Turns out he lost a bet and had to dance with the weird chick.

I didn't even bother picking up my stuff, I headed straight to the house. Once I arrived, I took a long shower to get that dirty sand and ocean water off of me. It was a terrible idea to go to the beach in the first place and all the anxiety that I avoided while I was there, was starting to catch up.

"Ramona? Mona?" Alex knocked when he saw me leaving the bathroom and going into my room crying. "Can I come in?"

"Is Vince there?"

"No."

"Then yes."

Alex walked in and sat by my side, looking at me with a look I hate. It's usually the one my mom gives me when she says 'I'm worried about you' so I assumed it's a preoccupied expression.

"Did something happen?"

"Yeah, I ruined everything, as always."

"How?"

"By existing, by being this person I am, by looking the way I do. It was supposed to be a nice moment, but it was just cruel."

"What did he do, Mona? Why are you angry at Vincent?"

"He kissed me," I shook my head as a response to that thought.

"And you didn't want it?"

"I did, but I know a guy like Vince is never gonna fall for a girl like me."

"What's wrong with you?"

"I'm a freak! I say weird shit, I stim when I'm nervous, I can't eat most foods because the texture makes me sick, I can't do normal things everyone does because I'm too scared of disease, and to top it all off... I gained 60 pounds over the last year."

"Well, if he kissed you that means he likes the way you look. Vince really isn't the type to toy with people's feelings."

"There was something he said, it was a tic but... It really hurt my feelings."

"Oh, Mona," he chuckled. "You should know by now the tics are like a separate entity, can't believe what he says when he's doing that. Sometimes he calls me very offensive slurs, I know it takes some getting used to, but it doesn't mean anything."

"Why would he kiss me if there's no chance in hell he would ever fall in love with me?"

"How do you know that? There's nothing wrong with you! We all have our problems, I also am too scared of germs to do most things the regular way, but I find a way that works for me, and you will too, that's why you're here."

"What if I never get better?"

"Trust me, you will. I used to be way worse than you, in every single way, I couldn't even drive over a pothole without having to stop and check if I just killed someone."

"I don't drive," I laughed, imagining that scene.

"Then we will teach you. When I first started the treatment, I would never imagine setting foot on a beach, you just did that, that was huge!"

"I guess it was..."

"And do you really think Vincent doesn't feel insecure about his Tourette's? He feels like an outcast just as much as we do. You know, it's good for him to like someone who isn't a narcissistic attention whore for once."

"Oh, don't say that, that's mean."

"Well, if you really wanna know, she was very manipulative. Mental illness isn't an excuse to be an asshole, I had to learn that the hard way."

"Even if there was a chance of anything happening, now there isn't. He freaked out, I freaked out and ran away. He probably thinks I hate him... Why do I always have to act like a 12-year-old? Why can't I have social skills like every other human being?"

"In my experience, the best way to build social skills is to socially interact with people."

"What do I do now?"

"Mona?" Vincent's fragile voice came through the door. "Are you in there?"

Alex quirked an eyebrow at me and shrugged.

"Only you can decide," he mumbled. "I better go."

As he left the room, I saw Vince waiting by the door, looking down, hitting his head with the heel of his hands.

"Come in," I nearly whispered.

"Hi," he joined me. "I showered already, you don't need to worry."

"Well, thanks..." I backed off away from him, hugging my knees.

"Can we talk?"

"Aren't we doing that already?"

Vincent tried not to laugh, even though I didn't mean to be funny. He waited for the tics to stop before finally speaking up:

"I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry too, I shouldn't have done that, running I mean."

"It's totally okay that you don't like me that way, I shouldn't have pushed... We're such good friends, and now I blew it."

"Wait, what?" I grimaced.

"I like you, I think you're cute and funny, and I like talking to you," he cut himself off with a whistle. "But I don't wanna make things- fuck weird. I probably should've told you before I just kissed you."

"You like me?"

"I thought we had a moment and I just couldn't help it..."

"You like me?" I repeated in disbelief.

"What's wrong with that?"

No one has ever liked me before. I think my quirks and limitations tend to push everyone away, that's why I never made friends, that's why I never had a boyfriend. I'm just an unlovable person at the end of the day.

"Did Dr. Rose ask you to do this?"

"What? No! Even if she did I would never do it!" Vincent yelped.

"I was beautiful, you know? I didn't have these ugly dark circles, my skin was clear and I didn't even need makeup, I was thin. If we met two years ago, before things got really bad, you could've liked me, and I would've felt like I deserved you, but now I don't think you can. Not now that I'm broken, undesirable, and ugly. You're perfect, what do you want to do with me? Why are you doing this? to me?"

"Mona," he breathed. "I don't think you are any of those things, I never did. I don't know how you looked like before, but I know you are beautiful now, and I know that you know that deep inside. I like you a lot... I wanna fuck you against the wall," he twitched abruptly. "That was uncalled for."

"Oh my God," I cackled, finally loosening up and moving closer to him.

"As you can see, I'm great at flirting. Very subtle," he blushed and looked away.

"Nobody ever flirted with me ever, and every single kiss I ever had was on stage, so... I don't really mind."

"You know, guys probably flirted with you in the past and you just didn't pick up on it."

"I am bad at social cues, but I think I would know."

"Did you notice me flirting with you ever since you arrived?" he smirked.

And that's when it hit me, maybe he was right! I am horrible at reading people. Is it possible that I'm not as repulsive as I think I am?

"Not at all, but I just assumed a guy like you wouldn't flirt with a girl like me."

"A guy like me? A lanky mentally ill mess who's only now graduating high school online?"

"No... A handsome, kind, interesting, funny, charming guy who could essentially get anyone he wanted."

"Oh," he raised his eyebrows surprised. "so you- cock sucking slut. So you like me back?"

"Aham..." I got on my knees and kissed his cheek slowly.

"FUCKING WHORE," he pushed nearly hit his head on the wall. "FUCK OFF, CUNT!"

"You don't really mean that, do you?"

"No, please don't fuck off," he giggled. "I want you close."

"Good, I want you close as well," I brushed my lips against his, softly.

His lips captured mine, taking his time so I wouldn't be startled. He lowered me to the bed, still in that tender kiss. It felt so different from being on stage, it felt like flying. When he slid his tongue in, I was taken by surprise, usually I would never want someone else's tongue in my mouth, but now... It was almost like I needed it.

"Maybe we should cool down a bit," he pulled back, panting.

"Why?"

"I don't wanna... Scare you or make you uncomfortable by going too far."

"Okay," I felt sligthly disappointed for some reason I couldn't understand.

"Is something wrong, Mona?" Vincent frowned, watching my face change. Sometimes I forget I was the one who couldn't quite read people's facial expressions, but they could read mine.

"I... What if I want you to go too far?"

"Oh, that would be okay, if you wanted to," the way he swallowed, heavily, making his adam's apple bob gently, made me hyptnotized. "But don't feel pressured, it's cool if you're not ready."

"I am, I wanna do it," something inside of me made me sure. "I just haven't done it before."

"That's alright, I'm not that experienced either. I'll go slow," he kissed the curve of my neck. "And if you wanna stop, just ask and I will."

His hand slid up my shirt and my breath got caught in my throat, my eyes shut tight and he backed off immediately.

"Can we turn off the lights first?" I asked.

"Why?"

"Just- I don't want you to see me."

"I could if it makes you feel better, but I would like to see you," he mumbled.

I didn't know what to think, I wanted this more than I've ever wanted anything in my life, why was I letting a simple insecurity get in the way?

My mom kept telling me I should watch it, I obviously wanna go back to the way I used to be before, but should I just stop being happy while I don't get there? It's not like I became a repulsive monster... Vincent didn't seem to care, why did I?

"Maybe a lamp?" I hoped he would be happy with compromising. "Let's go easy on the behavioral exercises."

"I'm fine with that," he smirked as he turned on the lamp next to the bed.

"Cool," I took off my shirt and Vincent stared at me for a moment, making me question every decision I've made over the last five minutes. Why won't he say something? Do I look that hideous?

"You're so- fuck fuck," he jerked. "So sexy."

"Am I?"

"Very," his gaze lingered on my chest. "Can you wait just two seconds? I just need to get a condom, it will be super fast, don't move."

Vince ran out of the room and I couldn't help but laugh when I heard Alex yelling at him for running in the house. In less than a minute, he was back, trying to catch his breath

"Sorry I took so long."

"You didn't take... Oh, it was a joke wasn't it?"

He nodded, getting on top of me again. When his hand went between my legs, I had to cover my mouth not to scream.

"Is this okay?" he checked.

"Yeah, it just feels weird."

"Weird good or weird bad?"

"Weird wonderful."

"Good, if you wanna stop, or if there's something you want me to do, just let me know."

I sighed as his fingers circled my clit. I was a little scared to lose my virginity, I think everyone is at least a little bit, but that was one of those moments when desire is bigger than fear.

"I wanna feel you..." I begged.

For once, Vincent seemed to forget about all the tics and my rituals, he was completely focused on that moment, relaxed. He seemed to be enjoying it as well, which was a little weird to me, I was under the impression that men only enjoy themselves when they're properly fucking someone.

"I wanna make you feel so good," he freed me from the rest of my clothes leaving me totally naked, I didn't like this feeling at first, but the way he looked at me made me feel better.

Okay, I'm sure that's not what my mom or Dr. Rose had in mind when they sent me to California for that little exposure therapy, but I have to say... This whole thing was helping a lot more than any medication ever did, so I guess it's a win, right?

Vince watched me attentively as his fingers worked their magic, he carefully slid one inside of me and I gasped softly. That was such an odd feeling, I thought I would hate it, but I didn't, It felt kinda nice.

"Keep going," I exhaled shakily. "Please, and kiss me."

He smiled, nodding softly as he claimed my lips, moving slowly and enjoying every second our bodies were touching each other. I could feel his stiffness against my thigh and when I glanced down, he was rock hard.

"Wow..." I mused, not realizing that I was staring. "Is that because of me?"

"You're really wet, that's sexy," he mumbled.

"Can I touch you?"

He silently agreed and I reached between us, stroking his cock a few times. I had a total of zero experience, so I didn't expect it to feel good, but he shuddered, letting out a breathy moan.

"Oh, I want you, Mona. So bad."

"I'm ready," I took a long, deep breath.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, I wanna do it."

Vincent quickly grabbed the condom and fumbled a bit with it before managing to put it on. When he finally did it, he held me close, kissing all over my chest as our bodies slowly connected. He moved so carefully, giving me time to stop him if I wanted.

At first, it wasn't really comfortable. I felt a little pinch and whimpered, but after some getting used to, I started to like it. I involuntarily started to move my hips to meet his thrusts, and get some friction.

My body was totally relaxed and I nearly closed my eyes, but I didn't want to. I wanted to look at Vince, watch him quietly cry out my name, his beautiful curls moving around beautifully as he moved more and more eagerly.

Of course I've had orgasms before, I'm not frigid, but this felt much more intense. I tried to keep it down, but it was nearly impossible as that overwhelming pleasure drowned me, it was almost ethereal, magical.

I came undone and my brain became a hazy mess until one thought popped in there: what if you get pregnant? Yeah, you're wearing a condom, but what if? What if the condom has a micro fissure, just enough for a single sperm to pass through? What if Vincent put it on wrong?

"Vince," I called.

"Yes, baby?" he slowed down a bit.

"Can you pull out? I'll help you finish."

"But I'm wearing a con-"

"I know, but would you mind?"

"No, it's alright."

He did exactly as I asked and I didn't even stop to think before wrapping my lips around his cock, taking as much as possible in my mouth. He grunted and he clenched his fists as he came.

"I'm sorry about that, I just had an intrusive thought about getting pregnant and..." I tried to cover my body with the sheet and noticed a tiny red spot, which freaked me out even more. "JESUS CHRIST! I fucked everything up!"

"Hey," Vincent whistled and slapped his own face, clearly disturbed by my reaction. "Don't worry, it's not your fault, it's just a little blood, I'll take care of it."

"Was that good for you at least?"

"Yeah, it was amazing," he pulled me into his arms. "Your mouth feels like heaven."

"Next time I'll keep it together."

"It's alright... Wait! Next time?" his eyes lit up.

"Yeah, unless you don't want to," I pulled back, a little scared.

"I do, of course I do!" he kissed the top of my head. "Did you come? Was it good for you?"

"You can say so... It was perfect."

"Then there's nothing to worry about."

I smiled up at him, he smiled back, stroking my arm soothingly.

"Cunt sandwich in a bag!" he barked, making me fight a grin. "Ha! I love you!"

My mouth dropped and my eyes widened, that was a tic, right? It had to be. Vincent covered his eyes in frustration.

"Was that a...?"

"Yeah," he muttered. "I'm sorry, I-"

"So you don't mean it?"

"Well, I do, but I don't wanna freak you out. We haven't met that long ago and it's literally our first time. In my experience, it's not good to say that to a girl after the first time."

"You do mean it?"

"I do," he admitted.

"I love you too," I leaned back against his chest with a sigh.

Tag List: @elliethesuperfruitlover @firstpersonnarrator @spanishmossmagnolia @a-ghoulish-tale @seanfalco @badsext

#the road within vincent #the road within fanfic #the road within #vincent rhodes x oc #vincent rhodes #fanfic #robert sheehan character fic #robert sheehan fanfic

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linawritestwst · 2 years

Note

hi hi hi!! Congrats on the 100 followers <3 I'm gonna join the matchmaking bandwagon HOO BOY here we go (if you'll feel like it of course)

I'm non-binary and I use they/them pronouns- my mbti type is intp :D

(if this helps at all, my sun is capricorn and both my moon and rising are cancer)

I think the thing I look most for in a partner is someone who I can trust a lot probably? I don't like the idea of a relationship not having a strong friendship as foundation. This is probably the reason why I would want my partner to be a little more on the lowkey about the relationship, as in being able to still have a fun time as a friend group (or just out eith them) without lovey-dovey stuff getting in the way. (I don't know if you can tell but I'm not big on pda at all whoops)

I'm not usually very social or active unless I really have to be, so I think I'd prefer it if a partner would either help me get out more or stay in with me (either way, as long as they respect my choices in general / are patient that would be nice)

I like writing up stories (that will never live to see the day), probably play video games a little too much to the point where I could talk about them for hours (unfortunate only to those that have to listen to me), I play volleyball and I nap a lot. Sometimes I wish I could list off more hobbies but man napping is just really important yanno?

I oftentimes walk on the fence between being overly sensitive / crying the moment someone raises their voice at me because I'm a little bit of a wuss and being a little bit of a jerk even if it's unintentional- it just kind of doesn't register that it could hurt hahahaa (I do try making it up to them but the few friends that are also jerks are fun to be mean to)

Oof okay I hope that's not too much jumbled information but yeah congrats on your milestone again I binged your masterlist recently YOU WRITE SO WELL <3!!!

hi, i hope you like this matchup! also thank you so much for what you said about my writing! <3

the character that i think would be a good partner for you is..

silver!

i'll explain why i chose him:

i think silver is definitely the type of person that you can trust and i think your relationship would have a "friends to lovers" dynamic. and of course, he wouldn't think of other friendships as something that will "ruin your relationship". you both have other people that you're close with and that's totally fine! and silver would still act like his usual self in front of your friends, yes, you two are dating, but it doesn't mean that he should remind others about it, right?

silver would be the type to stay in with you, he's not really a sociable and extroverted type either. but he would be fine with whatever you decide to do, if you want to go outside today, he will join you!

napping together!! also silver would admire you for playing volleyball, that's so cool! he may not understand some things when you're talking about your favorite games, but that's what you're passionate about and he likes to see you happy.

about your signs, silver is a taurus and your sun sign is a capricorn and you two are very compatible! taurus and capricorn are both earth signs, and your relationship would develop in it's own way, maybe a little slow for others, but it would be perfect for you two. some people may think that your relationship is boring and isn't that exciting, but your way of having fun is just different and that's normal!

#twisted wonderland #disney twisted wonderland #twst x reader #twisted wonderland matchups #twst matchup

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thesoutherngems · 3 years

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Short Stories

"WONDER GIRLS"

By: Lovely T. Duroca

June 12, 2021

It was 3 years ago. I still remember how it felt like going to college for the first time, I was nervous, my heart was beating so fast and it felt like my stomach would turn upside down, anytime soon because anxiety and excitement was building up deep inside me. College is a strange thing for me, it seems like it's a place where everyone battles for their dreams, and according to my some posts that i've read in social media, it's a place where you will get lots of sleepless nights, breakdowns and that surely, you will experience crying yourself out because of school works and tasks, with that, I became scared and I asked myself, will I be able to survive college? Will I be able to get through it alive and still sane? But still, with a nervous smile and a pale face, I walked into my university thinking of my mom and my grandparent's happy and smiling faces. I told myself that I will overcome this, and I will survive and will fight for my dreams because I have those supportive people right behind my back, my hardworking mom, my lolo who has been there with me since I was young, and my lola, a strong woman, who helped my mom raised me to become that lady that I am today, I will fight and get through college for them, that's what I told myself before entering the school's entrance.

But little did I know, the world I was stepping into by that time is so scary, it's unfamiliar, lots of unknown and new faces of students are surrounding me, it's suffocating and it feels like i'm running out of breath, i'm having a hard time breathing, but still, with my nervous and anxious eyes on the ground, I continued walking towards my college department, and I didn't notice that I was holding unto the strap of my bag tightly that it makes my knuckles turns white. I took a deep breath and forced myself to think of positive and happy thoughts, but deep inside, I know I was praying really hard, for that day to be over, I just wanted to go home, crawl into my small bed and hug my fluffy pillow, I just wanted to stay and bring myself back to my comfort zone. I really didn't like going out, surrounding myself with people, because I prefer to be alone and have my own peace of mind. I am an introvert who always chooses to lock myself up in my room, read books, watch my favorite tv series or just listen to music. I hate noise and I have my own world, but the fact that it isn't always like that, that I need to go out, socialize and meet other people because it is necessary, it's hard, but here I am, trying my best out and catching my breaths, forcing my heartbeat to be normal because I have goals, and dreams that I need to reach and fulfill.

Walking in the corridor and seeing that the rooms are becoming nearer each time I took a step forward, my heart started to beat even faster, and when I finally saw the classroom number that was assigned to my com, I was hesitant to go inside, I don't know anyone around and all I can see are unknown faces of students. I saw that there are already students inside, some are just sitting, busy scrolling with their phones, and others are talking to their friends, I inhaled deeply and with a sweaty palm, I step into that room, suddenly, I felt like it became quite, the noise that I heard earlier disappears and I can sense that they're looking at me and it makes me feel more nervous and scared. It seems like I was stepping into a territory that is very foreign and new to me. I continued walking and then I spotted an empty seat on the back, I immediately walked towards that seat and when finally, I was able to sit down, I somehow felt relaxed and a bit at ease. I took my earphones, plugged it in and listened to my favorite music since the professor hadn't arrived yet. I was singing along with the song inside my head when suddenly, I felt like someone poked my shoulder, I turned my head to see who it was and I saw a girl with a long black hair and an eyeglasses, she smiles at me and said,

"Is this seat taken?"

I smiled back awkwardly and replied,

"No, I'm just the only one sitting here."

"Great, then now, we can sit together with you." she exclaimed happily.

I don't know what she meant when she said the word "we" but when I heard that she called a group of three girls, that's when I realized that she's with her friends.

"Hey, girls, here. Let's sit here, together?"

She turned to me and I guessed that she's asking my name. So I said,

"Love, my name's love" while shrugging off the embarrassment that I felt because I really didn't like my name.

"Love, you got such a cute name, my name's Hale by the way, and these are my friends, Jas, Yel, and Miah." she said pointing to the girls behind her, I waved my hands to the girls and said,

"Hello, nice to meet you all."

They smiled at me in return and also said hi.

And those girls eventually became my first friends in college. And I was really relieved that I met them, happy at the same time because finally, I can now have friends that I can be with while we're all battling for our dreams. The professor came in minutes later and he just talked about some rules and regulations and we introduced ourselves one by one to the class. I really didn't like that part, I'm really shy and when it comes to speaking up in front, I'm afraid I might stutter and will just stood there frozen and unable to say anything, but my new friends told me that there is nothing to be afraid of, because we are all the same, we're all students and we're all humans, so when it is already my turn to speak, I held my head high, and I introduced myself to the class, I just imagined that it was just me and no one else in that room, and luckily, I was able to pull it off and I was so relieved after I finished speaking and was able to finally sit down again on my sit. The girls were smiling and said that,

"See, you can do that. You did great."

I smiled and thanked them in return.

Hours passed and it was already lunch time, we were talking and discussing where we should eat and what are we going to eat, then Jas, the girl with braces and shoulder level hair said,

"Let's just go to the cafeteria, there are many food kiosks there, we can choose and decide later."

We all agreed and we immediately went there. But unfortunately, there were no vacant table for us, all are occupied, so we decided to just wait for them to finish eating so we can eat after them, but just when we were about to turn back, someone approached us, I recognized her as one of our classmates as well, the girl with a chinky eyes and chubby cheeks, I just forgot her name when she introduced herself earlier, I'm not really good at remembering names.

"Classmates, you can sit with us, there are still vacant seats on our table."

Yel, the one with curly hair and voluptuous physique, replied,

"Really! Omg! thank you, I'm already hungry."

"Yeah, let's go, our table's over there."

We walked to where their table is and I saw that there are two girls sitting in there and there are also six, vacant seats so it'll surely be perfect for us.

The girls at the table waved their hands at us, one of them with blonde hair and eyeglasses and the other one with braces and pink cheeks.

"Hey, sit down now classmates," said the one with blonde hair.

"Thank you, luckily you guys found us." said Miah, the pretty girl with long straight hair and pale white skin, among us, she's the one who looks foreign, and I think she's half american.

We all sat down and started chattering.

"By the way, what's your name, guys?" I asked them.

"Sorry, I couldn't really remember when you introduced yourself earlier, I'm not good with names."

"Oh it's fine, I'm Sha, these two are my friends, Chaw and Cassie."

After that brief introduction, we decided to go buy our food so we can finally eat our lunch. We continued chatting while eating and my heart is just so happy being with those girls, they're fun to be with and they're full of interesting and funny stories, and little did I know that I was already becoming comfortable with their presence and i'm not my usual quiet and shy self anymore, I also talked with them and laugh with them.

After that 1 hour lunch, we decided to go back to our classroom and we also decided that the eight of us should sit together. We sat on the back and that spot has become our usual seat from then on. College has become easy and fun because of them. Having friends really helped me to survive the days, weeks and months of being a freshman student and as time passed, our friendship also became stronger. We are always together and one of our professor even named our group, WONDER GIRLS, because he noticed that we always hang around each other, that the eight of us wouldn't be complete without one another, we help each other with school works, and we always lift each other up and of course, the best thing is our after school hangouts where we always go to places and try different foods. Each one of us has different characteristics, but that didn't stop us to become friends, instead, it makes our friendship unique and more interesting, and now, we are already in our senior year in college, just two more semesters to go and college will be over, but the friendship that we built along the way, and the memories that we gathered since the first day of school during our freshmen years, will forever be treasured and buried deep inside our hearts. Wonder Girls will always be the best thing that has happened to me in my college years and I will forever be proud and thankful of my girls.

THE END

#short stories #thesoutherngems

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ecoamerica · 24 days

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youtube

Watch the American Climate Leadership Awards 2024 now: https://youtu.be/bWiW4Rp8vF0?feature=shared

The American Climate Leadership Awards 2024 broadcast recording is now available on ecoAmerica's YouTube channel for viewers to be inspired by active climate leaders. Watch to find out which finalist received the $50,000 grand prize! Hosted by Vanessa Hauc and featuring Bill McKibben and Katharine Hayhoe!

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fckwritersblock · 3 years

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Act 1: While We’re Young

Chapter 5

Erik ‘Killmonger’ Stevens x Black OC

(Unedited.)

Tuesday

January 10th 2005

Last night was the only night I'm allowing myself to cry over him and his 'return'. What good would it do me? No, I was gonna take Erik and whatever he had to throw at me by storm.

Waking up the next day, I feel refreshed. Like a brand new person with a more positive mindset. Today I had 3 classes and I'm determined to have a good Erik free day.

That whole Erik free thing went out the window as soon as I got to my first class.

Double O Computer Programming 1 was a junior class, however I'd taken it during the summer during my first year at UC Berkeley. DOCP 2 wouldn't be available until next semester but I needed to have a class since this was my first year on the actual campus. Thankfully Miss Hill really needed a T.A and the fact that I could help with an algorithm that tied into thermal nuclear astrophysics had her sold.

Right after I finished taking attendance, she barely got a word out before the door swung open revealing Erik as our late comer. I quickly glanced at the sheet in front of me, scanning for his name. I was so use to calling him N’dajaka when we were kids, I completely skipped over ‘Erik Stevens’. I huffed rolling my eyes, arms crossed over my chest. His timbs were the only thing heard shuffling across the room making hid way toward the front of the class. Wordlessly he handed Miss Hill before his eyes were on me. They scanned me from top to bottom, before locking with me a smug grin on his lips.

"Hey Lona," my jaw dropped.

Before I could get out a word, Miss Hill opened her mouth, looking up from the paper he handed her.

"Welcome Erik, sorry for the confusion."

"It's all good," he shrugged.

"Im Miss Hill, and I see you already know my aid. As I explained to the class prior to taking attendance, If I'm unavailable feel free to email or call her during the hours listed on the sheet." She is then took a sheet from me and handed him to me. "Other than that, find a seat."

He nodded pretending look over the sheet before averting his gaze back on me.

"I'm definitely gon do that."

Fuck my life right?

Well, Erik just so happened to be in the Calculus class I skipped two days ago. I thank God my record was squeaky clean and Mr. Kennedy accepted my poor excuse before I was quickly reminded the man upstairs has a sense of humor as the only available seat was next to Erik.

"The person next to you will be your partner for the remainder of the semester so let's take the next 15 minutes getting know one another hmm?." Mr. Kennedy instructed.

I couldn't suppress the groan that slipped as Erik casually leaned back in his chair, examining me.

"You heard the man, get to know me."

"I know all I need this know about you Erik."

"Oh so I'm Erik now? Like that?" He spoke cool, calm, and collected like our exchanged was normal.

I gripped my pencils tight, my knee bouncing up and down my body tense.

"Let me set things straight now. We don't need to talk to one another. If it doesn't have anything to do with any of the classes we take together, don't want to hear it. When you see me act like you don't know me. We clear?"

The expression on his face was unreadable before his lip twitched slight him responding.

"Crystal."

Wednesday

January 24th, 2005

It had been two weeks since Erik showed up here.

Ok that's a lie.

Apparently this man has been here. And to top it off, this mans name was in every bitch mouth like the second coming of Jesus Christ. From what I've observed though, he doesn't say much, or gives any of these broads much attention. He don't say much in general actually, he's really good at blending in. He got that laid back, mysterious, bad boy vibe going for him and these females out here hella into that.

But when he opens his mouth, that cocky bastard sure knows how to disrupt my entire soul at least while we're in class.

Outside of class though, he acts like I'm invisible.

It was like he never knew me. And honestly, I don't know how to feel about it. I know that's what I said I wanted but it bothers me just the same.

Today in particular though, he argued me down during our Calculus class. We had one problem to figure out before we could leave class today. You and your partner were supposed agree on the answer, and heaven forbid he just agree with me so we can get out of here. Math was always my subject when we were kids, nothing has changed. I was damn near about to say fuck it when he started laughing.

What in the entire fuck it so funny?" I was fuming.

"You," he shook his head. "You really hella mad."

"Um, YES!" I damn near shouted fed up. "You literally been tryna convince me it's 5 when it's-"

"Chill. I know the answer is 3 girl. C'mon, let's go." So smoothly he closed the book, grabbed his bag and headed to the front.

I was so upset, I had to let him do all the talking when it came to explain to the teacher I'll answer and how we got there. I know I open my mouth I wasn't going to say anything nice.

"Girl what crawled up your ass and died?" Donise questioned with a stank look as we sat at one of the benches outside of the library.

"Yeah What did Erik do now," I could hear teasing in Tatiana's tone so I flipped her off.

Only giving a brief explanation, I went on a mini rant about what happened in class 20 minutes ago. Donise's thought it was funny, while Tati just shook her head.

"I still can't believe it him," Tatianna glanced as a group of guys from across the quad headed our way, Erik included.

"Yes, and I wish it wasn't."

Tatianna was the first real friend I made in a while. I was actually tutoring her online for a while before she found out I was 4 years younger than her. Our friendship started off as a trade. I was her tutor and she both convinced and enrolled in a mentor program to help me with my social skills. I didn't speak to anyone much when Erik left, but I got into a lot of fights. According to the school counselor I was taking out my anger and abandonment issues on.I have meds to tame the anger, and while I haven't had to take them in a while Eric definitely bring that anger out of me.

"Girl that's just sexual tension. You got to fuck all that out." Ashley put in her unwanted two cents.

"Trust me when I tell you on God it isn't."

"Well if you out to holla, then trust and believe I will." She tossed her hair over her shoulder

I didn't really mess with Ashley like that, but she was Tati's frat sister which made them 'friends'. That little thot pocket will screw anything with legs, D, and a pulse and I'm not bout that life. Plus she messy as fuck and I don't trust her as far as I can throw her.

"I don't doubt it," I smirked as Donise said exactly what I was thinking.

Donise was coo' though, I meet her when I first got here 2 months ago. Believe It or not she was apart of the welcome comity for MIT and turned out her and Tatiana were already friends. Once she figured out who I was, I was shot to the front line during registration and everything.

"Anyways, y'all going Ant and them party tomorrow?" Ashley questioned probably tryna bum a ride.

"What party?"

"The Que's," Donise answered. "The dudes with Erik are frat."

Now this was news to me. I met most of them before but I had no idea there were in a sorority. Examining them, I guess it all made sense. Most in the clique sported some sort of purple and yellow lanyard either around their neck or on their keychain that hung from their jean pocket as if they wanted everybody to know who they were. Which I wouldn't doubt.

"Ladies! What we chattin about?" Moses questions every bit of his thick English accent tapering off every word.

"Our plans for mañana," Tati answered l

"Word. Y'all coming to the party tomorrow?" Jay spoke playing with a few strands of Donise's curls.

"Tomorrow? It's Thursday." I said confused. "Ain't there class the next day?"

"What's the matter, you can't hang?" I glared at Jay, knowing he was only chastising me because him and Erik were close, according to Tati.

I swear to God men gossip more than women do. Rolling my eyes I spared Erik a glance and he looked like he was waiting on me to respond.

"Oh, I can definitely hang."

I couldn't hang.

Around midnight I was in the bathroom throwing up everything, damn near hug in the toilet as my surrounding looks so blurry and I can barely function. Im not sure when I'd finally finished, but I could feel someone picks me up and out the bathroom and soon everything goes blurry and then black.

Tag list: @kitesatforestp @xsweetdellzx @justgetitoverwith0 @letsshamelessqueen-m @cmkcolove @readingaddict1290

#black!reader #black panther killmonger #erik killmonger series #erik stevens x reader #erik stevens #killmonger x black!reader #black writer #killmomger x oc #killmonger imagine #marvel imagine #marvel #black panther imagine #black panther #wakanda forever #tchalla

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shifuto · 2 years

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pls that person w/ the shipping takes makes me spiral every time they talk. they make it a moral thing and let me tell it makes me mentally unwell like unironically it makes me paranoid that im a Bad Person, esp when they start moralizing abt specific ships w/ nothing actually even wrong w/ them. it's rlly damaging to me. like god. god. you dont have to post this but i needed to let it out to someone who seems to Get It.

sorry this got really long X_X

tl;dr: you should try applying the logic people use against shipping or certain shipping dynamics, to fictional violence and question why only one is considered problematic while the other isn't. Sex negativity and a culture that abhors weirdos, while trivializing violent behaviour irl and in fiction, should tell you a lot

I think you should go ahead and preemptively block people. You have nothing to lose and much to gain. I do that all the time and it has made my navigating here much better. Guess the exception for me would be the Zexal fandom, since it's so small. Sometimes I will see wild shit like this and roll my eyes and hope people block me then because I'm one of those freaks in everyone's dnis hahaha

I hope this helps some. Have a nice day and stay weird anon, don't give in, there's others who appreciate you just how you are

here's the things: these are fictional stories with fictional characters that don't really exist. Yeah sure, it could be "a reflection of reality" and like.. what about it? It's still fictional lol

I used to struggle with this a lot myself, and used to be harassed, sui baited and everything back when I was on another fandom, because I draw/write porn of fictional characters. What helped me a lot was getting the logic these people use and apply it in other fictional settings such as.. violence, and question why only one is considered extremely problematic, and the other is not only socially acceptable but normalized. Trivializing violence actually "helps" justify atrocities against certain groups, even more using a Good vs Bad framework: violence is acceptable against "bad" people. Who is "bad" people? High rates of racism, antisemitism, ableism, etc everywhere should give you an idea..

all I hear about in fandom spaces is how things related to fictional sex and fictional relationships are the bane of society and "wouldn't someone think of the children**" and fictional violence is like "well, you can just blacklist tags if you don't want to see that kind of content" hmm.......

it reminds me of some of the drama that went down years ago about how "video games make people more violent***" and that not only is untrue, video games give a way for people with violent tendencies to cope and that's a good thing. Also, no one is watching horror movies and thinking they're itching to kill others, even if they are, they can just keep to themselves and have fun watching gruesome shit like nobody's business. Thinking is not a crime. And liking certain things it's not a reflection of someone's whole character (see: kinksters and how they get shit from literally everyone just because of what they like/what turns them on, and people seem to forget they're a whole human being with a life outside of kink)

a lot of the shit people cry about in here are non-issues where I come from, no one loses their head about it. If someone dislikes something they can do something about it, or they don't and that's fine too. "Right" and "wrong" are relative concepts, there's a lot of room for nuance and fiction is still fiction in the end of the day

considering a lot of folks here are from countries that are nuts with purity culture, sex negativity, and anything not "normal" is considered degeneracy that needs to be purged, it's no wonder you get the most wild takes from people in fandoms. In particular, young people, are very susceptible to accept things as facts and might not have enough maturity or critical thinking skills to process what they absorb. Unfortunately, it spreads because who can argue with that?

[sarcasm] of course incest is horrible, and age gaps are bad, and dysfunctional relationships are toxic and people who write or draw those things are just as guilty of "normalizing" and "romanticizing" it, and they are probably secretly trying to groom children with fanart of some kid's cartoons because they're a predator! People writing noncon fanfiction? Actually rapists in denial! People writing alien character X human character with massive age gaps? Obviously it's a pedophile, same with people who age up characters for porn purposes! People who are into monsters and robots and other stuff? Degens that should be shot! [/sarcasm]

as if it's fictional media causing damage to people and not people themselves.. really makes you think huh? It's easy to just blame the art, and if it doesn't exist, then there will be no more issues, right? As if censorship ever worked as "intended" and not as a tool to control people's thoughts and behaviours

the point of fiction, at least for me, is that there's no limit to what you can do. You can write or draw anything, you can go absolute batshit crazy with your rape bdsm fantasies with age gaps and monsters and shit. It's not real, and that's the fun of it. Authors tend to tag things out of courtesy, so that people can control whether they will see it or not. You can't get that from a published book, so we're spoiled in fandom spaces with content creators being very amazing at that. A lot of people I see complaining seem to be actively looking for that kind of content themselves, or they don't want it to exist near them at all. That's just such a stressful way to live when you can just... block people, blacklist tags, not engage in things that trigger you.. lol

** that's a logical fallacy commonly used to shutdown queer people and sex workers, among others (x) *** broadly, researchers have not found any connection between violent video games and violent behavior (x)

#ask #anonymous

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songsoomin · 4 years

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Let Me Down Part 2 (A, S)

Synopsis: CollegeStudent!Mingi x CollegeStudent!Reader, Friend!Yunho. After you left Mingi due to his neglect of you, you’re both finding it tough to move on

Song inspiration: ‘Need You Now’ Lady A

Genre: Angst, smut and eventual fluff (but not yet)

Warnings: Drunk unprotected sex, fingering, oral (m and f receiving), mentions of using alcohol to cope with the pain, threat of sexual assault (by random character, of course not any of the boys), physical violence (towards same random character).

Word count: 9K (sorry)

Posted: 27th June 2020

Part 1 Part 3

It was the third time you'd heard the gentle knock on your bedroom door and for the third time you ignored it.

"Y/N...." Jina's worried voice filtered through, "...please come out and eat something."

You buried your head further under the covers.

"You haven't eaten properly in days. Not since -"

"Jina...let her be. She just needs some time." Suzy interjected before Jina could mention him. Both your roomates had been tip-toeing around what happened three days ago. The day you finally broke up with Mingi. They'd both been waiting for you to see sense and dump your selfish, unreliable boyfriend of five years but hadn't forseen the fallout from that decision. Now they were both worried for you.

When they came home from their lectures that day to find you lying on your bed, red-eyed from crying all afternoon. They had thought that as you were the one who broke it off, you'd cry it out and then get over it - after all, it wasn't like you were the one who'd been dumped...you'd chosen to end it. They had got it very wrong, though, because you still loved Mingi, despite leaving him and you felt like your world had caved in on you. You left him because you couldn't stand knowing he didn't love you the same way anymore, knowing you just weren't that important to him. You had to leave because you knew the way he was treating you was wrong. It didn't mean you didn't love him anymore, though, and right now you were starting to question whether this pain you were feeling was worse than the hurt you felt while you were with him.

"You did the right thing, Y/N." Suzy said with confidence later that evening when you had finally given in to Jina's worrying and come out to pick at some toast. "You can't allow yourself to be taken for granted like that."

"I know it hurts now but you'll start to feel better soon and one day you'll find someone who isn't too stupid to see how lucky he is to have you." You almost rolled your eyes at the cliched line coming out of your best friend's mouth but you didn't want to offend her; you knew she was trying her best to cheer you up.

"It might not be too bad, Y/N..." Jina added, "At least you don't have any shared classes with him and there isn't long left before graduation anyway. You'll never have to see him again after that."

The feeling you got when Jina spoke of never seeing Mingi again was like being punched in the gut. You felt sick so you ditched your toast and made an excuse, trudging back to your room to lay on your bed, willing this feeling to go away.

By Monday you had come to the realisation that you couldn't stay in your room forever so when Suzy - the 'mother' of your trio - came in to ask if you were going to return to your classes, you surprised her by already being awake. It was wholly unlike you to be up and dressed early but you hadn't been sleeping properly for the last week anyway.

As the weeks went by you found that you could return to life as normal for the most part; you went to classes, your part-time job, even a few social gatherings and you seemed almost normal again but Jina and Suzy could see it. You weren't ok. You did a good enough job of pretending in order to get through the day but you weren't quite the same anymore. You also knew this but the only way you knew to manage was to ignore the pain; you buried it as far down as you could until it was just a dull ache in the background, a constant reminder that he didn't love you.

********

Mingi POV

"So she finally dumped your sorry arse?" Hongjoong asked once Mingi told him why he was slumped on the couch staring blankly at the TV screen. To be honest he hadn't paid any attention to what was on and now he looked at it properly it appeared to be some kind of gardening programme - certainly not what he would normally watch and what must've caused his friends such confusion when they came back to the dorm Mingi shared with Yunho and Hongjoong.

"You did have it coming, though..." Yeosang said matter-of-factly, earning a glare from Mingi but he continued undisturbed, "I mean, did you think she would put up with being neglected forever? You barely made any time for her, at all."

Mingi contemplated that and realised he had never thought about it. It would be a lie to say he was unaware that he prioritised his friends over you but he just assumed you were ok and would always be there.

"You ok, bro?" Yunho asked, jolting Mingi out of his thoughts suddenly. The tall blonde, as his best friend, was more worried about how Mingi felt than the others were.

"I'm fine." Mingi said trying to sound a lot more happy than he felt. "In fact, I'm great. I can do whatever I want now, spend as much time with you guys as I like without being nagged about it. Now I can enjoy our last months at college before we have to join the real world."

Yunho looked at him as if he was crazy and maybe he was but if he kept telling himself that this was a good thing for him then maybe he would start to believe it and get rid of this painful aching in his chest.

"You know, you really didn't deserve her." Yunho muttered as he walked away.

It had been about two months since Mingi had really seen you - not that he hadn't looked but he seemed to only catch a glimpse of you as you crossed the campus grass or disappeared into one of the lecture halls. He thought he'd at least see you in the cafeteria or eating lunch with your friends on the grass as the weather was so nice now but he never did - it was almost like you had completely disappeared from his life. He hadn't spoken to his friends about you at all - still stuck in his delusion that if he pretended to be happy without you, he would be - but eventually he asked Yunho, who was on the same course as you, if you were still attending lessons.

"Yeah, of course she is." Yunho answered, not thinking much of it as he was distracted with the choice of pizza in front of him at the lunch counter.

"Do you talk to her much? Is she ok?" Mingi attempted to seem nonchalant but the questions caught Yunho's attention now that he'd settled on his usual pepperoni and a diet coke to wash it down with.

"Why?" He asked, raising an eyebrow in challenge. Mingi kept pretending he was having a great time single, going out to clubs, drinking, flirting with girls, but Yunho had been his best friend since they were five years old and he wasn't swallowing that crap. It didn't escape his attention that Mingi was drinking too much and, as much as he flirted, never accepted any of the girls' advances.

"No reason. I just hardly ever see her around - I just wondered." Mingi looked away fast, not wanting Yunho to see just how much he wanted to hear anything about you.

"Uh-huh, sure." Yunho shook his head at Mingi, "Just go try to win her back or something. The others might not notice but I know this is tearing you apart."

"Hey! She dumped me! If she loved me so much she wouldn't have left." As his voice faltered on those last words, Mingi couldn't help but let slip how he really felt. There was no point hiding it, anyway. Yunho already knew.

"You're so stupid, Mingi." Yunho replied, sighing because what he also knew was that you looked like shit all the time because you weren't sleeping or eating properly. He knew you were just as unhappy but Mingi was still just as self-absorbed, only thinking about how hard this was on him when really he should just take some fucking responsibility for how he treated you and realise it was all his own fault.

********

In truth you very much had been avoiding any place you knew Mingi would be; you knew his schedule and his habits so you simply made sure you took a different route if your classes ended around the same time. You always went off campus for lunch, as well, somewhere you knew Mingi wouldn't go. Jina and Suzy were really supportive, they knew that it was still hard for you to see him and would do anything to help you through it. As time wore on you actually found that not seeing Mingi helped a lot and slowly you were starting to feel better. Your best friends were also delighted to see you starting to eat better, taking it as a sign you were getting over him. It didn't always work, you were bound to see him occasionally as you were at the same college. When you did see him, though, he would be laughing with his friends, looking so carefree. Sometimes you would see him talking to girls, though, and that same dull ache that never really went away clawed its way back to the surface.

"We're going out tonight!" Suzy announced as she breezed into the living room of your shared dorm.

"Who is?" You asked, confused.

"We are. The three of us." She threw you a look that dared you to say 'no' and carried on so you wouldn't have time to protest. "Lucas invited us to a bar with his friends tonight so I've decided to take you out to have some fun."

"Fun?" You weren't sure about Suzy's idea of fun; it usually involved a lot of drinking and dancing and, more often than not, making fools of yourselves.

"Yes. Fun. That thing you never have anymore. It's about time you got back out there instead of moping around this place. You might even meet someone nice - Lucas has a lot of hot friends, you know." She added with a cheeky wink. "So get in your room and get ready now. I want a hot-looking Y/N in one hour. Jina, that goes for you too!"

"Yes, ma'am!" Jina mock-saluted and headed towards her room, laughing.

You weren't opposed to going out; maybe it would help but you didn't care about meeting anyone. You knew very well how good-looking Lucas's friends were and you used to think Johnny might have a thing for you but you weren't there yet.

The bar itself was really nice and the music wasn't too noisy so you could still have a conversation without having to shout. It had an 80's vibe with coloured neon tube-lights and music of the era but didn't overdo it, still being able to pass for a normal bar rather than a themed one. As soon as you were there, Suzy made a beeline for Lucas and virtually leapt into his arms, kissing him passionately; given their size difference he easily caught and lifted her up when she jumped, wrapping her legs around his middle. They were a really cute couple, you thought; him tall and blonde and Suzy smaller with dyed red-hair. You and Jina followed along, greeting him once she'd let him go and getting introduced to any of his friends that you didn't know already.

You were actually having a pretty good time, surprisingly, Lucas's friends were fun and made you feel welcome. Some of them might have been a bit too eager to make you - and Jina - feel welcome and you suspected it was to do with what you were wearing and you knew you looked good. Your blue dress wasn't too revealing but it clung in the right places and emphasised your curves and you'd completed the look with a pair of high heels. You may not have been interested in catching anyone's eye but you still liked to look nice because it always made you feel more confident. Jina, however, was loving all the attention she was getting from the boys and was flirting shamelessly, making you laugh to yourself - something you hadn't done much of in months. An hour or so in the drink caught was making it's way through you and you decided to head to the bathroom but, as you wound your way through the crowd of people, you heard something that made you stop in your tracks. You knew that familiar, deep voice all too well and it cut through you like a knife.

You looked to where the voice came from and saw Mingi sitting with some blonde girl on one side of a booth with Seonghwa and a brunette on the other, looking very much like they were double-dating. Your heart twisted painfully as you watched the blonde girl very evidently flirting with him and taking every opportunity to stroke his arm or put her hand on his broad chest. As you stood there dumbstruck, Mingi looked around and you could see the shock cross his handsome face as he registered you standing there.

"Y/N." He called your name almost apologetically, like he'd been caught doing something but you weren't hanging around to find out what he had to say; you almost ran to the bathroom and flew into one of the stalls breathing hard. You sat there processing the situation - so what if he was on a date with some girl? He can do whatever he wants - he's a free man. It wasn't for you to care anymore, you said 'goodbye' to him. You can't afford to care now, you'd come so far trying to move on. Like this you reasoned yourself into a kind of calm and made your way back to your friends, taking a route in which you wouldn't walk past him again. It must have been a little obvious that you weren't quite ok as Johnny seemed to notice but then he had been paying you a fair bit of attention tonight.

"Are you ok? You look a little pale."

"Yeah, I'm fine..." you lied as best you could, "Just need another drink is all."

"Comin' right up!" Johnny smiled and ordered you another Purple Rain cocktail while you forced yourself to look happy and normal. You drank the drink pretty quickly and ordered another, hoping the alcohol might ease the ache in your chest that had now returned with a vengeance.

********

Mingi POV

"Mingi....Mingi!"

"Oh.. uh.... what?"

"Dammit, Mingi, I've been talking to you for the last five minutes - why are you never with it anymore?" Hongjoong asked, exasperated with his roomate's behaviour.

Yeosang snorted, "We all know why he's never with it anymore."

"Shut up, Yeosang!" Mingi spat back at the smaller blonde man.

Hongjoong sighed and looked at Mingi with concern in his eyes, "Mingi, we're all worried about you. You don't sleep properly, you either mope around the dorm or you stay out partying all night long.....and we've all noticed how much you're drinking these days."

So what if he was? Mingi was tired of his friends' interfering. Why couldn't they just leave him alone?

"You know what you need?" Seonghwa added as he plopped down on to the couch next to Mingi, "You need a good fuck."

"Oh my God - that's your answer to everything, Hwa!" Hongjoong despaired, throwing his hands in the air at the oldest member of their friend group. "He needs to deal with his feelings, not hook up with random girls."

"No, it's exactly what he needs." Seonghwa turned his attention over to Mingi now, "Get back on the horse, bro; you haven't been with anyone since Y/N." The mere mention of your name caused Mingi's heart to clench and the pained look on his face didn't go unnoticed by his friends.

"Getting back out there and meeting girls is the best way to forget about her and move on." Except Mingi didn't want to forget about you.

"How on Earth would you know, Hwa?" Yeosang interrupted, laughing, "You've never had your heart broken. In fact, do you even have a heart to break?"

Yeosang laughed harder at the rude gesture Seonghwa threw his way as he replied, "You're just jealous I get laid so much more than you do, Sangie. It's the safest way - if you don't get attached, you can't get hurt."

"Hwa's right!" Mingi jumped up, surprising them all, "If that's what it takes to prove to you all that I'm fine and stop you nagging at me, I'll do it."

"Great! I'm seeing this new girl tonight so I'll ask her to bring a friend along for you." Seonghwa grabbed his phone and started texting, "Go get ready, Min."

A few hours later Mingi was seated in a booth next to some blonde girl he'd just met with Seonghwa and a brunutte opposite them. He had started to realise that Hwa was not right, after all. He didn't want to be here with this vapid girl that was meant to be his date and, to be honest, he'd already forgotten her name. The girls Seonghwa hung around with were all very pretty but he didn't look for much more than that - why would he when he never intended to get to know them? To him, the girls he dated were just for a fun night - maybe a few if he liked them enough - they never lasted long. Seonghwa was tall, dark haired and, arguably, the best looking of them all; his aura just seemed to attract girls without him even trying.

Mingi couldn't help but compare this girl to you; you were beautiful and intelligent. You could have fun together and proper conversations, you had a connection - this girl was so dull, just talking about celebrities and clothes...he really didn't know how Seonghwa could bear it just to get his dick sucked at the end of the night.

He really was trying his best to be friendly and polite but this stupid girl just kept pawing at him, laughing at anything he said as if it were the funniest thing she'd ever heard. He downed his third drink and ordered another just to try to get through this ordeal.

As he was getting through the fourth drink, Mingi felt eyes on him, turning around he saw you standing there looking back at him and the girl. You looked so beautiful to him, in the blue dress he used to love on you the most but he couldn't look away from your face and the look of utter hurt in your eyes.

"Y/N..." He called out, throwing the girl's arm off himself, but to no avail. You darted towards the bathroom and away from him.

"Is that girl someone you know?" The blonde asked him with almost a jealous tone to her voice.

"Just...stop talking." He ground out, annoyed at her very presence, and stalked off towards the bar, downing his drink as he went.

Once there Mingi ordered another drink and two shots; he didn't want to feel what he was feeling and alcohol had become the only thing that came close to helping. Why did he feel like he'd been caught cheating on you? It was you who left him! He laughed bitterly at himself for ever thinking that if he just pretended to be fine, he eventually would be. It had been months now and the hole in his heart was still just as raw.

"Min..." Seonghwa appeared beside him, "What are you doing?"

"Hwa, I know you're trying to help but I can't do this." Mingi said, downing the shots one after the other as Seonghwa stood there, eyebrows raised in concern.

"You're going to have to move on at some point, Min... It looks like Y/N is." Seonghwa said gently, tilting his head in your direction.

Mingi looked to where his friend nodded and felt anger rise up in his chest as he watched you take a purple cocktail from Johnny, laughing at something he'd just said. He couldn't stand this; just the thought of Johnny - anyone - taking his place at your side, holding you, kissing you, touching you..... No! He wouldn't even think of it. He couldn't bear to. Mingi downed his last drink and marched towards the door, leaving his friend just staring after him.

Next morning, Mingi woke up feeling sick, not knowing if it were more from the alcohol or the memories of seeing you looking happy and carefree with Johnny. As far as he could see, you didn't look close enough to be an item but who knows? The thought of you with another man still filled him with anger but you weren't his anymore. He had to get used to that.

He texted Seonghwa to apologise for running out so suddenly.

It's ok, bro, I understand why you didn't want to be there anymore. Came the reply, followed quickly by,

Oh.. and don't worry, I made sure your date had a good time ; )

Mingi laughed to himself, thankful for Hwa's easygoing nature.

********

You sat with Suzy and Lucas at the breakfast table next morning, Lucas had stayed over and made pancakes for the three of you and you sat eating and chatting about the night before.

"Jina really went home with Jaehyun?" You asked wide-eyed. You'd thought she was sleeping in and that was why you hadn't seen her yet this morning.

"Yeah," Suzy giggled, "...She's had her eye on him for some time; I guess she must've felt brave enough to make a move last night."

"Wow, good for her, I guess." You said forking another bit of maple syrup covered pancake into your mouth.

"Jaehyun's a nice guy," Lucas added, "he'll be good to her."

You sat quietly as Suzy and her boyfriend talked together about the events of last night. The ever-present dull ache throbbed as your mind replayed the image of Mingi with the blonde girl's hands all over him. He wasn't yours anymore, you told yourself, he could see anyone he wanted to.

Your only concern now had to be trying to get through your exams and graduate and you couldn't afford to be distracted by anything else if you were going to do that. You finished up your pancake and cleared your plate into the sink, thanking Lucas for making it as you went.

"What are your plans today, Y/N?" Suzy asked.

"Oh, I think I'll just study; I'm still a little behind on my coursework and I'll have no hope of graduating if I don't get this done."

"Ok...work hard!" Suzy chirped as you wandered back into your bedroom.

You'd done it. You'd got through your exams and were graduating. It had been really hard and you'd had to keep forcing yourself to concentrate on your studies because Mingi was never far from your thoughts. It was easier being without him now than it was in those first months but the dull ache never entirely went away - always reminding you of it's presence if ever you caught a glimpse of him around campus. Jina and Suzy had done their best to pull you through it but you found yourself having to accept the reality that the pain would now always be a part of you. You ached for Mingi, to be back in his arms, but you knew he wasn't right for you. He didn't feel the same.

The actual day of graduation passed by in a blur - the calling of names and collecting of certificates had been terribly boring but you'd daydreamed your way through most of it, having to be nudged by Jina when you missed your name being called. Your parents had come along and taken you out to dinner - just like everyone else's parents so the restaurants were packed. Despite trying your best not to think about Mingi over the last few months you had decided to talk to Yunho about him briefly during class.

"Yunho?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you think you could do me a big favour?" You ventured nervously. You were close to Yunho from sharing classes with him all throughout college but he was still Mingi's best friend so you weren't sure how this would go down with him.

"Uhh...sure. Well...depends what it is." He laughed, flashing his blindingly bright smile at you. You'd always thought he was kind of cute but now his dyed blonde hair started to grow out and his natural black peeked through he was even more good-looking.

"Could you try to find out where Mingi and his parents are planning to go for his graduation meal?" Yunho looked a little surprised so you tried to explain your request. "It's just that...I don't want to run into him because I know it will be awkward. Our parents will probably start to chat because they used to be friends when we were dating and I don't think I could deal with that."

A look of sympathy crossed Yunho's face and he reached out from his seat next to you and rubbed his had up and down your back in a reassuring manner. "Sure, Y/N. I'll do my best."

Yunho had come through so you were able to relax at dinner, knowing you wouldn't have to deal with the unwanted situation.

Although the dinner was nice and it was lovely to see your parents after a long time, you were more excited about the bigger celebration tomorrow; it was generally tradition for the graduates to go to out clubbing the day after (given that the parents wanted to celebrate on the day itself) but the next night you could really unwind and enjoy yourselves. You were a bit sad because the end of college meant your best friends would be moving on with their lives but you were trying to see it as an opportunity yourself - you felt like this city was your home so you wouldn't physically be moving but, metaphorically, you could move on from this last painful period of your life.

The next morning you saw your parents and wished them a good journey home; they had moved since you started college so they were further away than they used to be and didn't want to make the drive home late at night. They stayed in a hotel overnight and you met them for breakfast before seeing them off but once they were gone you started to get excited about the evening to come. You, Jina and Suzy had made reservations at a salon to have manicures and pedicures, and get your make up done; partly because you wanted a treat but also to spend the day being pampered with your two best friends before you wouldn't have them in your life so much anymore. You also went to get your hair done - nothing drastic, just a trim and professional blow dry - you wanted to look great tonight and you'd never felt you were any good at doing your own hair. A new dress and heels and you were ready.

The chosen club was the favourite one for the students to visit, it played the best music and didn't charge a fortune for drinks - best of all though, it had a 2-for-1 offer on cocktails and shots, knowing all the students would flock there for their post-graduation celebration. As you walked in you felt amazing, your dress was a black, sparkly material, fitted in all the right places and shorter than you normally went for. You matched it with strappy, black stilettos with a glitter heel and subtle silver jewellery. It wasn't just your look that made you feel amazing, you just felt better than you had in a long time; maybe it was optimism for a fresh start.

As the night wore on, the drinks kept flowing and you were well on your way to being drunk and having a great time with your own group of revellers. You, Jina and Suzy were there with Lucas and his usual friends but he'd also brought along some others from his course who you'd never met before. You'd normally be shy around new people and keep to yourself but the alcohol and excited atmosphere made you braver and you were all happily dancing together. There was one guy in particular who seemed to have taken a liking to you and was dancing very close, trying to grind on you; you were happy to dance with him but politely tried to keep a distance between you. After a while he was getting a bit too handsy so you excused yourself to go get a water from the bar. It was there that you spotted the one person you had hoped not to see and he was heading in your direction right now. As he approached you noticed he had cut his black hair slightly shorter than before and had a fringe. A lot of students chose to dye their hair bright colours but you loved Mingi's naturally black hair - with that and his beautiful dark eyes and plump pink lips, you'd always thought he looked stunning. Just to make it harder for you he had worn a dark blue shirt with the first two buttons undone so you could see the thin silver chain he wore draped across his well defined collarbones and it made your heart beat a little faster.

"Y/N, can we talk?"

You looked up at Mingi, wishing all the feelings you had been trying to supress for the last few months weren't trying to claw their way to the surface.

"I don't think that's a good idea." You said, looking away from him, still waiting for your turn to get served.

"Oh, but dancing provocatively with your arse in some dude's crotch is a good idea to you?"

You snapped your head up and stared at him in shock. Was he really doing this?

"What has it got to do with you if I do, Mingi?" You were starting to get angry, he can't just decide to start caring now after taking you for granted for so long.

"Maybe I just don't like seeing some other guy with his hands all over my girlfriend." He said, raising his already naturally loud voice a little, making the few people in earshot look round curiously.

"Except I'm not your girlfriend, am I?" You spat at him and the look of hurt that flashed over his features sent a pain through your heart - or was it really the fact that you weren't his that was hurting you?.

"Y/N...please." He looked like a hurt puppy and your resolve wavered - only for a moment, though, because you remembered the blonde at the bar and anger rose up in your chest again.

"You think can go out and date random girls with Seonghwa but get to tell me who I can and can't dance with?"

"What? That stupid girl from the bar? I just went on that date to stop Hwa bugging me about it and I left just after I saw you there. I never wanted her - I only want you!" The look Mingi gave you was so earnest you wanted to believe him but the truth was he had hurt you so much.

The bartender came then to take your order. You should've just asked for the water you came for but the dull ache you had come to live with was turning into a sharp, tearing pain again.

"Two shots of tequila, please." Mingi waited silently beside you while you got your drinks and paid. When you were done he grabbed your arm, trying to stop you from leaving.

"Y/N... Please give me another chance." He looked so broken but you couldn't go back to him, back to being neglected and ignored.

You downed both shots and put the glasses back on the bar. Steeling yourself against the pained look he was giving you, you turned and looked up into the face of the man you knew, deep down, you still loved but were still too angry at.

"No, Mingi. I can't."

You walked back to the dance floor, knowing full well what you were doing was petty, and started dancing with that same guy whose name you didn't even know. This time you did dance provocatively and you let him grind against you. You knew Mingi was watching you, you could see him looking over at you while he drank with his seven friends. It was a bad idea, you knew that but you wanted Mingi to know that he didn't own you. You were his once but he ruined it.

You were having a lot of fun but eventually you started to feel the alcohol catching up to you as your movements became less co-ordinated. It was pretty late anyway so you told Suzy and Jina you were calling it a night.

"Do you want us to come with you?" Jina asked but you knew they were still a long way off from being done.

"I'll be fine; there are still lots of people on the streets and I won't go through any secluded areas." You promised.

Hugs were exchanged and you stumbled you way through the mass of clubbers to get to the door. Outside you stopped a little way from the club and enjoyed the feeling of the cool night air on your hot skin.

"Hey." You turned in the direction of the male voice to find the guy you had been dancing with had followed you out of the club.

"Oh. Hi." You said uneasily, hoping he didn't want what you thought he might.

"So I thought we could go back to my place and have a little more fun, yeah?" He took a few steps closer to you with a look in his eyes that made you uncomfortable.

"I'd really rather go home alone, thank you." You said as confidently as you could despite feeling anxious, hoping he would accept your refusal and leave you alone.

He closed the distance running his hand down your arm and closing his hand around your wrist. "You see...I don't really think it's fair for you to tease me all night like that and then not give me a little something." You swallowed nervously, looking around and trying to think of how to get out of this awful situation.

"Don't you agree?" He added a little menacingly, leaning in closer to you.

The male tightened his grip on your wrist and started to pull you in the direction of a nearby side street; it was dark with no one down there and panic started to rise up in your chest, causing it to tighten horribly.

If you were able to think rationally you would have screamed to alert the other people on the streets that something was wrong but the fear had gripped you and all you could manage was a futile attempt at breaking free of this man's hold. He wasn't huge but you were still small compared to him, in height and build and his grip was firm.

As he pulled you, stumbling because of your stilettos and the alcohol, into the side street you managed to find your voice and, as loudly as you could muster with the fear still constricting your throat, you tried to shout, "Let me go! I don't want this!"

The man didn't listen to you, he simply stopped some way down the dark street and pushed your back up against the wall, holding you in place.

"Get your hands off her NOW!" His voice was low and full of anger but it was so beautiful to you in this moment.

"Get lost. She's mine tonight." The man said not even looking in the direction of the intruder but still looking directly at you with a nasty smile on his face.

All of a sudden he was yanked back away from you; he still had one of his hands on your wrist and pulled you over as he flew back.

"Are you ok?" Mingi asked, scanning your face. His voice held none of the anger it had a moment ago as he spoke gently to you. You let Mingi pull you up and steady you on your feet, feeling just a slight pain in your knee as it had been grazed by the fall.

"What's your problem, dude? I'm just trying to have a little fun."

The anger flashed over Mingi's face again as he straightened up and turned to the man and before you knew it he punched him hard in the face, the man stumbling and falling to the ground. Mingi turned back to you and gently said, "Let's go." and you could see he was doing his very best to hold in his fury. It already made him angry to think of another man touching you but to do so without your consent - and to hurt you, as well - took him beyond angry.

"She's just a tease anyway. If she's gonna act like a whore, she'll get treated like one." The man angrily called out after your retreating backs but Mingi couldn't let that pass, he wanted this scum to be sorry he ever touched you. He let you go and strode back to the man who was still sitting on the pavement, he grabbed his collar roughly in his left hand and started raining punches down on him. You stumbled your way over the uneven paving stones to try to calm him before he did any real damage but Mingi was in a rage; the man now lying on the ground having his face pounded by both of Mingi's large fists as he straddled his body.

"Mingi, please!" You cried out, worried someone would see this. The man was scum and didn't deserve any better given what he would've done to you but you didn't want Mingi getting into trouble because of his temper.

"MINGI, STOP!" He finally stopped, breathing hard and looked down at the bloody man under him. He was nowhere near calm but he let you lead him away.

You walked mostly silent back to your dorm, holding Mingi's arm for support with just the occasional query from him as to how you felt and if you were hurt, to which you tried to reassure him that you were fine now and it was just a graze. At your dorm you invited Mingi inside, partly because you didn't want him going off still so angry and partly to clean him up - his knuckles were cut and bloody and, at some point, the man must've got at least one punch in as you could see a fresh cut on Mingi's lip.

You sat Mingi on the couch as you prepared some water, cotton wool and antiseptic spray to treat his wounds. As he sat there with his head in his hands you could see the amount of anger still bubbling inside him.

"Mingi, I'm ok. Really." You said gently, startling him as he hadn't heard your approach.

"I'm not." He said simply. "I wanted to kill that guy for what he was trying to do to you."

Not knowing what to say to that you simply took one of Mingi's big hands in yours and started to clean the blood off his knuckles before gently drying them and spraying a little antiseptic over the cut skin. You laughed lightly when he hissed at the sting of it.

"So you can take the pain of repeatedly punching a man in the face until your knuckles bleed but you can't deal with a little stinging?"

Mingi smiled but it didn't reach his eyes, "You've calmed me down a bit now. The anger overtook me so much back there, I guess I didn't feel the pain."

You didn't reply, just moved quietly on to his other hand, cleaning it as he sat on the couch with his eyes closed and his head laid back. You smiled to yourself when he fussed about the antiseptic again.

Mingi looked up when you gently started to dab at the cut on his lip with wet cotton wool. While you were concentrating on cleaning off the blood, you could see that Mingi was staring intently at your face. A couple of times you looked up at him from you position next to him - kneeling on the couch but sitting back on your feet - and each time your eyes met you could see something blazing in his beautiful, dark eyes. It was definitely affection but you didn't know if it was love; that was something you had been sure he didn't have for you anymore. You looked closer at Mingi, looked into those intense, dark eyes that you loved so much and thought that maybe he did still love you.

Although, you knew it was a bad idea, you slowly leaned up and gently kissed the corner of his lip where he was cut. "Thank you for saving me." you added softly.

Mingi looked at you for a few seconds before grabbing your face with his large hands and pulling you in for a kiss; asking for entry with his tongue as he licked across your bottom lip. You knew it was wrong but you gave in and melted into it, kissing him back eagerly. You'd never been able to let go of your feelings for Mingi, even though you'd tried to bury them and, in your still slightly drunken state you didn't have the strength to deny him.

Mingi placed his hands firmly around your waist and pulled you onto his lap so you were straddling him, your short, black dress riding further up so the only barrier between you and the growing bulge in his trousers was your delicate underwear. He left your lips and kissed along your jawline, moving to your neck, pulling a gasp from you as he sucked hard against your soft skin. You couldn't help yourself and started grinding your core against him, feeling the bulge grow harder still underneath you. Mingi grabbed a hold of your dress and pulled it over your head in one fluid motion, almost growling as he took in the sight of you in your matching black lace bra and brazillian panties.

"I've missed you so much, Y/N. You have no idea how much I want you right now." His rough voice was deeper than you'd ever heard it and it sent shivers down your spine, the excitement making your core clench instinctively and wetness start to pool. As you moaned his name, Mingi unclasped your bra and tossed it to the floor, immediately latching his mouth onto one of your hard nipples while his large hand caressed the other breast before pulling harshly at your delicate nub with his thumb and forefinger. You let out a loud moan and ground down harder against his clothed erection wanting to feel more friction on your heated core and Mingi, knowing what you wanted so well by now, lifted you slightly and slipped his hand under the waistband of your panties and entered your warm, wet hole with his long fingers, reaching deeper than you ever could yourself.

The only thing you could hear was your own moans of pleasure and the wet sound of Mingi's fingers fucking in and out of you harshly. Suddenly Mingi lifted you into his strong arms and carried you into your bedroom, while you kissed down his neck, taking in the familiar scent of his cologne. He laid you on the bed and slid your panties off you, groaning as he took in the sight of your bare, wet pussy. Mingi crawled between you legs, firmly grabbing one in each hand and spread them further apart. Slowly he placed wet kisses along your inner thighs but gradually something more animalistic came over him and he started to mark you, biting and sucking hard and making bruises start to appear almost instantly. He ran his mouth all the way up from your soft inner thighs to the delicate skin between your thighs and your aching pussy and, finally, pulling you closer to him roughly he marked his way over your hips. He was like an animal that had fought and won for his mate and you loved that he was now marking you as his own before he took you as his own, too.

Marking complete, Mingi dove between your legs and licked all the way up your smooth, wet folds. You moaned out loud in pleasure as he finally slipped his tongue between them and straight into your tight hole, lapping up your juices and moaning against you.

"You taste so sweet, Baby. You don't know how badly I've wanted this." The vibration of his deep voice quickly drove you to the edge and when Mingi moved his mouth up to suck hard on your swollen clit you thought you were going to explode right then. Mingi shoved two of his long fingers back inside your entrance, which was now soaking with both your own wetness and his saliva, curling them up to hit your sweet spot and you couldn't contain it any longer. Intense pleasure flooded over you as Mingi continued to suck and lick sloppily at your clit while pumping his long fingers into you at a maddening pace, forcing your release to continue on for longer and longer. As you finally started to come down from the high, your body shuddered at the overwhelming sensitivity and you had to gently push Mingi's head away from your abused clit.

"Did you enjoy that, Angel?" He growled out lowly, "I've missed having my tongue inside you so much."

"But I'll bet you've missed my tongue on your cock so much more." You teased, blinking up at him through your lashes. Mingi always loved when you looked innocent but said the dirtiest things. He quickly undressed, stripping everything off entirely and you felt a thrill of excitement as you took in the sight of his hard dick standing against his lower stomach, pre-cum glistening on the tip.

"Let me take care of you, Mingi." You purred as you took his hands and pulled him down to lay on your bed. You crawled between his legs and gave him a long, sultry look as you lowered your head and kissed his wet tip. Mingi groaned at the sight of his pre-cum staining your lips and grabbed the back of your head, pulling it down, desperate to feel those soft lips around his cock. You happily obliged, wrapping your wet lips around the head and licking at the sensitive spot just under the rim. You felt his dick twitch in response but pulled away, only to lick all the way up the underside and finish with a flick against the rim again.

"Oh God...please!" Mingi was never good at being teased, always desperate to be inside you already so you gave him exactly what he wanted and, in one smooth motion, took his entire length in your mouth.

"Oh...fuck!" Mingi's cries of pleasure filled the air as you bobbed your head up and down, dragging your mouth almost all the way up to the tip only to slide right back down until he was hitting the back of your throat.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck!" The sounds of you gagging on his cock were the most beautiful to Mingi and you knew how much he loved it so you deep-throated him as best you could, which wasn't easy given how big he was. You pulled away for air when you felt him start to twitch more, knowing he was close and you crawled up to straddle him, rubbing your bare heat against his throbbing member.

"Mingi, I want you inside me." You whispered in his ear as you bit on his earlobe then moved down to bite and suck on his neck, leaving marks of your own.

He groaned in frustration, "Baby, I don't have any protection on me. I didn't expect this to happen."

You didn't have anything either, having not been with anyone since him but drunken desire took over you, drowning out the tiny sober voice in the back of your head which told you this was an incredibly stupid idea.

"Mingi! I need you. Please fuck me."

Being somewhat impaired himself, Mingi didn't have the willpower to resist, he flipped you over and held himself above you with one hand beside your head and the other stroking his hard dick. He positioned himself at your entrance and stroked his tip up and down your wet slit to lubricate himself before slowly sliding in to you. The feeling of sheer pleasure overwhelmed you as you felt his thick cock stretching your walls to accommodate it and you clenched around him instinctively.

"Shit...I forgot how tight you are." He breathed out as he pushed all the way in as far as he could.

"And I forgot... aaahhh...how big and thick you are...." you cried out as Mingi hit your G-spot perfectly. He had always been big - and perhaps it was just because you'd missed him being inside you so much - but right now he felt huge and you wondered how on Earth he was fitting in your tight little hole.

Mingi leaned down and kissed you deeply, never stopping his hard, deep thrusts. His soft lips moved down to your neck leaving wet kisses down your hot skin until he reached your collarbone and resumed marking you.

"God, I love your tight cunt." He growled out between kisses as he continued to thrust hard and fast. The feeling of Mingi's big, hard cock sliding in and out of your aching core was more than you could bear and the intensity of it overtook all your senses until you couldn't feel anything else but him.

"This sweet little cunt belongs to me." He said as he continued to fuck you roughly. "Tell me you haven't let anyone else touch you. Tell me you're still mine." Mingi's voice was a mix of possessive and desperate as he begged you for reassurance.

"Mingi..." you panted out as he continued to rock his hips against yours, "There was never anyone else but you."

"Tell me you're mine." He demanded, his deep, powerful voice forcing you into submission.

"I'm yours, Mingi. I'm all yours." A tiny part of you knew this was all a bad idea but it felt so right. Mingi being inside you made you feel complete and, for once, you couldn't feel that dull ache in your chest anymore.

Mingi could feel you clenching around him and, knowing you were getting close again, he reached down between your boddies and began to circle your still very sensitive clit while whispering praises to you.

"That's it, beautiful girl, cum for me again." He let out a deep groan as he felt your walls convulse around him and your warm, wetness release all over his thick cock.

Chasing his own high, Mingi lifted your legs to rest over his shoulders so he could reach deeper inside you and his thrusts got harder but sloppier as he came ever closer to orgasm.

"Baby, you feel like Heaven...I wanna fill you up so badly." He was so close now and you desperately wanted him do it.

"Mingi, cum for me. Fill me up. Make me yours, Mingi." It was all he needed to hear and with a couple more thrusts he released deep inside you, filling you up with his hot, thick cum.

Mingi remained inside you as you both breathed heavily, coming down from your highs, before pulling out and laying beside you on the bed. He pulled you into his arms and, as you were succumbing to sleep, you could hear him murmuring,

"You're mine, Angel. You'll always be mine."

********

As you woke to the sun's rays filtering through your window, you had a mixture of thoughts running through your mind as the memories of last night came flooding back. Mingi was laying next to you, still with an arm wrapped around you and he roused as he felt you moving to sit up.

"Good morning, Baby."

You smiled at him but it didn't reach your eyes. You were so confused; what happened last night had felt so right but now you were entirely sober and could think about it clearly, you were scared. Mingi had hurt you before and it had taken so much to get over it that you were scared to let it happen again.

"Y/N, what's up?" He could see by your expression that something was wrong but didn't know where your thoughts were taking you.

"Mingi...What happened last night. It shouldn't have."

"What are you talking about?" He asked, confused.

"We can't be together. You hurt me before, I can't go back to that - I can't go through that again."

"Baby, you're mine." He said desperately, "You said you were mine." In his eyes you could see tears forming, shaking your resolve. You couldn't bear to see him like that so you looked down at your hands which were in your lap, playing with your fingers anxiously.

"I can't be yours anymore, Mingi. Last night...we were both drunk." You said it gently, willing him to understand.

"I may have been a little drunk but I know it wasn't a mistake. I love you, Y/N."

"I'm sorry, Mingi. Please...just go." The words sounded wrong in your ears but you were so scared of being hurt again.

"Don't do this to me again. I can't be without you, Baby." His deep voice sounded so desperate but you couldn't look at him, couldn't afford to let him change your mind.

"I'm so sorry." Despite the tears falling, the finality in your tone told him that you meant it. You felt the bed move as he got up and heard the rustle of his clothes as he picked them up and silently dressed. You held in your sobs until you had heard the front door close, knowing if he heard how broken you were he would come back. Once you were all alone you let all the pain debilitate you and sobbed into the pillow which smelled so much of the man you still loved.

********

Mingi POV

Hongjoong and Yunho looked up as their other roomate walked in the door looking disheveled.

"Hey! Where did you go last night? You suddenly disappeared." The shorter of the two asked.

They watched as Mingi silently walked to the kitchen side and picked up the half-drunk bottle of bourbon sitting there. Unscrewing the cap and tossing it onto the side, he took a long swig. He hissed slightly as the alcohol stung the cut on his lip, causing some of the brown liquid to drip down onto his shirt.

As your ex-boyfriend walked towards his room, the bourbon bottle gripped tight in his hand, his two best friends really took in the state of him - cuts all over his knuckles, a cut on his lip which was starting to bruise.

"Mingi, what the hell happened to you?" Yunho called out, alarmed.

"Just....leave me alone."

#song mingi #song mingi smut #song mingi ateez #ateez x reader #ateez smut #ateez mingi #ateez angst #mingi x reader #mingi x reader smut #mingi angst #ateez college au

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sunsetcurbed · 3 years

Text

you showed me faith is not blind (miracles happen)

Pairing: Alex/Willie Words: 6,242 Rating: T Chapter Warnings: panic attack, later on a character expresses past worries about being followed Chapter: 7/11 read on AO3

Chapter Summary: The stares don't start until a couple hours in the next day. Everyone is too tired in the morning to be paying attention in the hallways. On the way to econ though, after meeting up with Luke and Flynn, he can see people stop and double take when he walks past, he can feel the eyes on him, hear the whispers.

(*)

The stares don't start until a couple hours in the next day. Everyone is too tired in the morning to be paying attention in the hallways. On the way to econ though, after meeting up with Luke and Flynn, he can see people stop and double take when he walks past, he can feel the eyes on him, hear the whispers. A pressure starts building in the middle of his forehead and there's acid in his throat. Luke and Flynn notice when he starts to lag behind them, his eyes focused on the floor, even though they're not really focused on the floor because everything is kind of… blurred and hazy. He thinks he's stopped walking by this point. He can still feel the eyes on him.

"Heeey," Luke's voice sings, coming up on Alex's right. "Hey, buddy, I'm gonna grab your arm so I can take you over to the wall, okay?" Alex thinks he nods. He still feels the eyes on him. Luke gets him to the wall and presses his back against it and tells him to sit down. Alex slides down until his butt hits the ground then closes his eyes. He draws his knees up to his chest and even though he can't feel the eyes anymore, he can remember the whispers over the rushing of the blood in his head. His throat burns. "Hey, Alex," Luke says, close to Alex's ear. "I'm gonna count for you, and I need you to breathe with the numbers, okay?" He then starts in on one of Alex's breathing exercises, and Alex goes with it, even if he can't quite make it to eight on the exhale because he doesn't have enough breath and his chest burns with the lack of air. Oh, god. He doesn't have enough breath. He draws in a deep, gasping breath to fill his lungs but it doesn't feel like enough. He can't get enough—it's not enough—there's not enough—

He doesn't remember going under water, but he's drowning now. He doesn't know when he got here. He doesn't know how he got here. He doesn't know where the surface is and how to swim up to it. He feels weighted down. His limbs are heavy and—and he can't even feel his fingers. Oh, god. He can't feel his fingers. He tries wiggling them but nothing happens—nothing except an increase of noise under the water. He vaguely registers his heart beating in overtime, trying to keep up with his body. His body is trembling, of that much he's sure, but it's not disturbing the water around him, because there are no ripples, there are no waves. He's shaking but everything around him is calm.

"Alex, can you hear me?" Alex lifts his head and opens his eyes—the water got into his eyes. Either that or he's crying—to see two people in front of him. One is crouching beside him and one is standing in front of him and holding her backpack on the side that the other isn't on, blocking him from sight of anyone who might pass. Alex draws in another breath, filling his lungs as full as they'll go. "Can you hear me, Alex?" Alex looks at him. Luke. He looks up at the girl. Flynn. He nods. "Sweet. Can you tell me five things you can see?" Backpack, board, locker, garbage, orange. "Orange? Wh—oh, my hoodie, yeah. All right, four things you can feel?" Dirt on floor, wall against back, rings on fingers—didn't he not have fingers?—, shoes against toes. "Three things you can hear?" Luke's voice, desks moving around, and the front office phones ringing. "Two things you can smell?" The chemicals from the bathroom right behind them, his Old Spice deodorant. "And what about taste?"

Alex sits up straighter. "I'm good now," he says.

"Uh-uh," Luke shakes his head. "You've got one more. You're finishing this, come on. Please."

"Mint, from my gum earlier."

"Good, buddy," Luke praises. "How you feeling?"

"Like shit," he admits.

"Do you want to go to the nurse?" Flynn asks.

"No. No. He can't do anything. All he ever does is has me sit there for a few minutes and then sends me back to class anyways."

"We could go to the front office instead then," she tries. "They could call your mom or dad—"

"No," Alex shakes his head. "I don't—I don't. I don't want to bother them. I'll be fine."

"They're your parents," Flynn frowns. "You wouldn't be bothering them."

"We can just skip econ," Luke says. "Go hang out in the music room, Mrs. Harrison would let us. We've already missed the first fifteen minutes. And Mrs. Lewis would understand why we skipped too, she's chill."

"I… I couldn't…"

"Yes you could," Flynn says, "and you are. You need a break, Alex. If you won't go to the nurse and won't go to the front office, then we're doing this."

Flynn and Luke drag him across the school to the music room where Mrs. Harrison is setting up for the lesson. When Flynn explains what happened, Mrs. Harrison offers to email Mrs. Lewis and explain the situation, so Alex relaxes. She gives the three of them free reign and Alex makes his way immediately to the drums. He's exhausted, but the drums are his happy place. The drums will rejuvenate him. He starts out with a steady beat, trying to give his heart something to follow, and then starts to add on to it. Luke joins in on the guitar and then Flynn on the trumpet, and they have a small jam session, just the three of them. It almost makes him completely forget that he'd just been drowning for the better part of fifteen minutes.

He manages to make it the rest of the day without another panic attack despite all the eyes on him. His friends all walk him to class, even though he doesn't have public speaking or biology with any of them, and he's grateful for that. But by the time he makes it to the consulate that afternoon, he's still mentally and physically exhausted. It's Tuesday, so his first thing to do is therapy, and he's… not exactly looking forward to that. He is planning to ask about how to overcome his anxiety so he has a chance at being prince if he decides, but after today, he's not sure if that's even possible. But, according to his therapist it is.

"Right, we'll get to that, but you told me the other day that you think your friend Julie had a good point about your social anxiety, can you remind me what that was?" his therapist, Tessa, asks.

"Uh—she thinks, when people are looking at me with the band, or with other people, I don't get anxious, or as anxious, because I think people are perceiving me in relation to the people I'm with, and I think they're seeing me as I see the people I'm with. But when people are looking at me as me, they're looking at me how I look at myself."

"And how do you look at yourself?"

Alex snorts. "Badly?"

"What do you mean by 'badly'?"

"Just… I'm anxious, I worry about things that normal people don't worry about and I have fears that normal people don't fear and I'm wired really tight. And I'm boring—I feel like I'm not interesting and all I talk about is music, and now Beasiga, and sometimes school, and the books I'm reading which are someone else's thoughts, not mine. I have weird thoughts, like those weird fears I mentioned and just… weird things running through my head that I wouldn't want to tell other people and I constantly worry that I'm accidentally going to say one of those weird things but I also feel like people somehow know what I'm thinking anyways like they can read my mind? And then I can be mean to good people, like when I met my grandma I just… I ran out on her and I didn't even give her a chance, y'know? And I make snarky comments at my friends sometimes that sometimes can cross a line and I don't mean to, I just… I don't have as much patience as I feel like everyone else has? And I'm gay, which isn't… that's not bad but some people think it is so sometimes I hate that I am, especially because my parents aren't okay with it. I say things that sometimes make me sound stupid or just… absolutely wild, and I always feel out of place, like everyone else belongs and I just don't have a reason to be there. … And my friends are such better people than me that I'm not sure how I ended up being friends with them," he says, the words tumbling from his mouth with barely any thought.

Tessa nods, and Alex wants to laugh. Anyone else that he unloaded that on would have stared at him with concern and maybe asked if he was okay, but she just. She just nods. "So you value your friends very much?"

"Very much."

"And their opinions?"

"Yes."

"And yet you question their choice to have you as a friend?"

Alex frowns. "Not… not exactly? I just… More like I don't know how I got so lucky."

"But you value their opinions."

"Yes," he says, cautious now.

"So if your friends have chosen to be friends with you, they must see something in you, much like you see something in them, meaning they think very highly of you as well. And if you value their opinion, then… perhaps you should ask their opinion on you, and put some stock in that," she suggests. "Perhaps start viewing yourself as they see you instead of… badly."

Alex frowns. All the negative thoughts about his friendships creep into his brain at her suggestion: what if they're just friends with him because they don't know how to break it off? What if they lie to him? What if they're only friends with him to use him for the band? What if they're just genuinely too nice of people that they let him stick around?

He shakes his head.

If there's one thing he knows, it's that his friends love him. For fuck's sake, Willie and him just started dating, and Willie easily could have just turned him down or walked away instead of kissing Alex. It's cruel of Alex to think so negatively of his friends, and his stomach twists with the thought of them ever finding out. They'd be hurt at his lack of trust, which is that last thing he wants.

"And what, it's that simple?" Alex asks her. "I ask my friends how they see me and then I stop having panic attacks when people look at me?"

"No, not even close," Tessa says. "That's just a starting point. No, you have to learn to recognize what's happening, realize why it's happening, and then find the coping mechanisms to reevaluate the situation in real time." Alex stares at her and tilts his head. "Take today for example," she says. "If you had these skills you would have been able to recognize you were panicking because of the staring and whispering, realize it was because you thought people were looking at you critically, and then reevaluate—tell yourself that people were looking at you because of the news articles and their stares were out of curiosity rather than judgment."

"That… makes sense," Alex says.

"Another skill would be exposure therapy, which I think you're going to be getting whether you like it or not, even if it's not exactly… monitored or traditional. But a lot of eyes are going to be on you, and while it's going to die off soon enough—they're high schoolers, they lose interest quick—, use it to your advantage. When you start to feel overwhelmed, recognize what is going on, realize why, and reevaluate the situation that you're in. And don't get frustrated if it doesn't work the first time, or even the first few times. It's a learning process, and it will take time."

He surprises himself the next day when he stops a panic attack in its tracks, needing no help from his friends. His anxiety is still there, but even when he sees a girl point and her three friends turn around and look at him, it remains only anxiety. Once that anxiety does happen to pass, it leaves him on a high, so high that he looks at Willie at lunch and asks, "you're out to the entire school, right?" and when Willie says yes, Alex kisses him. When he pulls away, Willie is absolutely fucking beaming. They kiss a few more times throughout lunch, and then in the hallway after lunch, and people are staring at Alex again but Alex thinks: people aren't staring at him to judge him, they're staring at him because he kissed Willie. And isn't that awesome? He'd stare at whoever was kissing Willie, too.

The next two school days pass uneventfully, despite all the eyes on him. He has a few close calls with anxiety attacks, but no panic attacks, and either his friends or his new coping methods are always there to keep him breathing steady. The only other noteworthy thing that happens is that his dad has actually starts speaking to him again by Thursday—no mention of Alex's coming out on Monday, though. Alex thinks he expected this, to be honest. See, his mom thinks that because she's not calling him every slur in the book or kicking him out that she's not being homophobic. She thinks that she's being supportive. She had said the other day "just because I support you doesn't mean I have to be okay with your choice" even though she… clearly did not support him. Still, she still loved him even if she didn't support him, and that's more than a lot of kids who came out to their parents got, so Alex… he dealt with it. But… his dad.

Alex knows Mike, and he knows that he's going to ignore it, and then maybe find a girl to set Alex up with. The subtle 'I'm telling myself I've forgotten about this but I haven't actually at all, I'm just pretending it never happened' classic Mike move. He's done it before, and Alex knew he'd try it in this case if given the chance, so he is hoping to get the chance to introduce him to Willie sooner rather than later. Chances are he'll stop talking to Alex again, but at least Alex will be able to be with his boyfriend without the looming threat of being set up with a girl. (He's not sure when he stopped caring about having the man he viewed as his dad in his life, but he's pretty sure it probably started the night he walked away from Alex's coming out without a word.)

When seven pm comes around Friday night and it's time for Alex and Willie's date, their first date where Alex will actually be able to kiss Willie, Alex is all too eager to hurry out the consulate's front door to Willie's Honda as it pulls up and jump in the front seat. Just—he's a little confused this time, because as he puts his bag at his feet, he notices Willie turning the keys and pulling them out of the ignition. Alex looks over at Willie.

Willie sighs. "Can we go talk to your grandma?"

Alex doesn't know how to reply, so he's left stammering out, "uh, y-yeah. Yeah! C'mon."

They both get out of the car and Alex leads him to the door. Alex watches as Willie gets patted down by security and waved through, and then grabs his hand to take him back to the library where he had just been with his grandmother. He hopes she's still there.

Thankfully, she is, and when they reach the library, she looks up from her book. Her eyes widen. "Alexander! I thought you'd left. And who is this?"

"I'm Willie, ma'am—er, Your Majesty," Willie greets, stepping forward without thought. Only Alex's hold on his hand keeps Willie from going any further ahead.

His grandmother gets up and walks over to them. "Oh, you're Alexander's friend—" she dips her eyes down to their hands "—boyfriend?" Willie nods. "No need for the formalities, dear. Louisa is fine. William, you said your name was?"

"Uh, Willie."

"Willie," she repeats back. "I'm thankful to meet you."

"Me too," Willie nods. "But there's, uh, there's actually a reason?" Alex tightens his grip on Willie's hand. Willie squeeze's back and Alex isn't sure if it's reassurance or if it's grounding Willie.

"Oh?"

"Yeah," Willie nods. "I wanted to talk to you and Alex both at the same time. I might have just had Alex tell you about it, but I wanted your opinion too, so, I just—I'm sorry, can we sit?"

"Of course," she says, and motions over to the couches in the corner. "Sit wherever you'd like." The three of them migrate over and take their seats, and then his grandmother returns her attention to Willie. "You were saying?"

"I was in Hollywood this afternoon running an errand for my mom and a man approached me. He didn't approach me like a stranger though, he knew my name. Or, he said, 'Willie, right?' I didn't know him. I still don't, but—I didn't really know how to get away. I couldn't just tell him to uh… uh… go away. I didn't want to be rude. And we were in public, so I wasn't in danger," Willie says this with a squeeze of his hand, and Alex knows it's for him. The more Willie has been talking about the situation, the more anxious Alex has been getting. Willie clears his throat and continues. "But he started asking me some stuff about Alex, like personal stuff about who he was as a person and his family life… And then some stuff about Alex and Beasiga. He started getting… really specific about Beasiga too—like stuff that I only know because Alex has told me. I was as vague as I could be, I didn't even answer most of them, I promise. But, he was really pushy. He wanted to know, really bad, to the point where he was nearly bribing me? Something about skating the streets of Hollywood? Which, yeah he might have just said because I was literally skating the streets of Hollywood, but… It… I know there are obsessive people out there, I do, but what I don't know is how to handle them. Especially not when it comes to someone else. I know because I'm connected to Alex the things I do could be connected back to him, so I can't just… be rude to people. I mean, not that I would want to be. But, I don't know what to do in these situations."

"I'm so sorry," Alex murmurs, turning to face Willie and putting his free hand on Willie's knee.

Willie turns to look at him. "No—don't be. It's not your fault, okay?"

"Yes it is—"

Willie lifts his hand to Alex's face and brushes his thumb along his cheekbone. "No. It's not. Now be quiet. I'm here to speak with Louisa." He drops his hand and turns back to Alex's grandmother. "Do you have any… advice? on how to deal with this in the future?"

"Yes, I do," she says, "but first, was the man who approached you in a suit?"

Willie nods. "Yeah."

"Did he have a rather extravagant jacket? With crystals embedded in it?"

Again, Willie nods, this time with narrowed eyes. "Yes…"

"That was Mr. Covington, I'm afraid." Alex feels his hand clench reflexively around Willie's. Willie whips his head around to look at Alex, but Alex is focused on his grandmother. His grandmother stands up and walks over to a shelf on the far side of the library. She pulls a book off the shelf and makes her way back. "Alexander, we haven't covered the Covingtons yet, but they're a grand family, and an important family in our country's history. Beyond the Mercers, the Covingtons are one of the most respected families in Beasigan history. Thomas Covington was the main author of our Constitution."

"My mom mentioned Covington," Alex says.

His grandmother sighs. "I supposed she might."

Willie looks between them. "Okay, his family is important, but who is he?"

"Caleb Covington is next in line for the Beasigan throne should Alexander decline," his grandmother says.

"W-wait. That guy?" Willie asks. "That guy will be running the country if Alex chooses not to?"

"And he wants to," Alex mutters.

"Oh, he really wants to," his grandmother huffs, pacing back and forth in front of the coffee table. Alex would drop his jaw, but he thinks he's too shocked to even move the muscles to do that. He's never seen his grandmother lose her composure, has never even dreamed of it happening. "He wouldn't stop pestering me for weeks about it. He threatened me that he was going to contact you if I didn't do it myself. It was either force a sixteen year old boy into a role that he didn't want to be ready for, or end up having that sixteen year old boy hate me for the rest of my life because a loathsome man told him about me and didn't give me a chance to explain myself." She stops her pacing and puts her hands to her forehead. She shakes her head. She looks up at Willie through her hands. "I'm truly sorry he approached you Willia—Willie. Clearly, not only does the man lack manners, but also discretion."

"Don't be sorry," Willie says. "It's not your fault."

"Nevertheless," she sighs. She looks at Alex. "I doubt he would dare to think to approach you, but I'll gather a picture of him and have John send it to you so you can be aware of who he is. You can also send it to your other friends so they can seek to avoid him as well. Do warn them not to let him know they know who he is, though. You either, Willie. If he knows you know, he won't have any reason to refrain himself from pressing even further. That being said, you don't have anything to fear from him other than persistence. He'd never risk his standing in Beasiga—he still holds a high title even if he does not become king and he will not readily give that up. He may crave power but he already holds power and he's not a stupid man."

"You… really don't like this guy," Alex says.

His grandmother looks at him and laughs a small laugh. "Was I being obvious?"

"A bit," he smiles. "But it was good for me. Really humanized you."

"Was I not human before?"

"No, not really," he admits. "You're like, perfect."

"Oh, Alexander, I'm far from perfect," she shakes her head. "Remind me to tell you some stories about my early days of royalty with my husband sometime. Those will humanize me."

He grins. "Looking forward to it."

"Well," she says, clasping her hands together, "I don't want to keep you two here all night. Unless… is there anything else you need or want to discuss, Willie?"

"No, I'm good. Thank you so much for listening and figuring that out. It was really freaking me out, so…"

"But of course," she says, waving him off. "It's no worry at all. I'm only sorry you had to go through that. And I do hope I'll see you around more? Please feel free to stop by to say hello, or even join some of Alexander's lessons if you have the time and feel like it."

"I'll take you up on that offer, definitely," Willie says, standing from the couch. Alex gets up as well. "It was really, really nice to meet you, Louisa. Again, thank you, so much. We'll leave you to your reading now though. We'll see you around."

"Bye, Grandma," Alex says, and then tugs Willie out from the space between the couch and the coffee table. His grandmother calls out a goodbye after them and they send waves over their backs.

They're quiet on their walk through the consulate and out to the car. It still remains silent as Willie turns on the car and they get strapped in and Willie puts the car in drive, but as soon as he goes to pull into the street, Alex feels himself break.

"Why didn't you call me?" he demands.

"I knew you'd freak out," Willie says, shooting him an apologetic look. "Besides, I called my mom after, so I could talk to someone because I thought—kidnappers don't take people on phones, right?"

"You were worried about being kidnapped?!"

"Not—not really?" he shrugs. "I was more worried he was going to stalk me to get to you. So I've been pretty hyper vigilant all day. I drove twenty extra minutes before I came to pick you up today just to make sure no one was following me. No one even was following me. But… just in case."

Alex blinks. On one hand, after Willie's experience today, that's a completely understandable reaction. On the other… "I think, like, by dating me, you're getting some of my anxiety." Willie leans his head back and laughs. "No, I think it's a thing. Like, every time we kiss, a little bit of anxiety leaves me and goes into you. It's why I've been doing better lately."

Willie reaches over and puts his hand on Alex's thigh. "You've been doing better lately because you're doing better. Not because of some magic kisses."

"You saying our kisses aren't magic?"

Willie squeezes Alex's thigh, hard, and when Alex looks over, he can see Willie's cheeks darkening a shade. "I'm—I'm saying, I'm proud of you, you know that, right?"

"Oh." Alex blinks. "Hang on, how did we go from you worrying you were going to get kidnapped to you being proud of me? How is that a logical progression?"

Willie laughs again, and Alex falls back into his seat, helpless.

They end up at Chipotle, sitting in a back corner booth on the same side of the table, thighs pressed flush together, shoulders brushing as they eat their bowls and watch YouTube videos on Willie's phone. They overstay their welcome, but no one kicks them out. It's just… they're just not sure where else to go. With Alex's lessons not ending until seven and the sun setting far before then, there's not too much to do on their Fridays besides sit and talk and goof around somewhere. But then Willie has an idea and pulls Alex out to his car.

"I don't know why I'm only thinking of this now," he says as he's driving down a residential street. "It feels like the obvious answer for a Friday night hang out," he says, right as he turns into a driveway. Willie shuts off the engine and gets out of the car and Alex follows, slower.

He's never been here before, but he's pretty sure this is Willie's house. If he's right, and he realizes he is as Willie unlocks the door, then that means Willie's family is inside, or at least some of them… probably. Alex has met Willie's older sister Taylor, since she was a senior when Alex was a freshman in high school. She had driven Willie home the day they had met at the beach. After that, sometimes at lunch she'd come bug her little brother and steal a chip from him and give him trouble and she always said hello to Alex and the others. But Taylor was off at NYU now. Willie's little sister Jamie doesn't go to Los Feliz High School since she isn't in performing arts but Alex has met her in passing. Willie would drive her places when he was meeting the group, and then she'd go her own way, and they'd go theirs. But Willie's parents? Alex has never met them, not once. And now, with no preparation, he thinks he's about to.

He follows Willie inside and looks around. It's definitely Willie's house—there are pictures of him and Taylor and Jamie dotted all around what Alex assumes to be the living room. He tries not to let his eyes linger on any of them too long, not wanting to intrude on any of their family memories (though, he supposes they're displayed for a reason). Willie slips his shoes off so Alex does too, and he follows him through the house.

They slow down when they pass an archway, and Alex looks in to see a sewing machine set up, fabric flowing out of it as it hums violently. There's a woman sitting behind it, staring down at what she's working on with intense concentration. On the other side of the room is a man sat behind a computer with a gaming headset on, leaning into the computer with focus.

"Hey," Willie says casually, and the noise of the sewing machine stops. Both the man and the woman look over and smile.

"Hey," the woman greets. "You're home early. How was your day?"

"Good. Alex and I ran out of places to go, so I brought him back with me," Willie explains, throwing a thumb over his shoulder to point at Alex. The woman's eyes flick to Alex. "We're gonna go watch a movie or something."

"All right," she says. "Let us know if you need anything. Alex, it's nice to meet you."

"Uh, it's nice to meet you too," he says. And, well. Huh. That wasn't bad at all. What was scary about that?

He follows Willie again until they're into what Alex assumes is Willie's room. As soon as Alex closes the door behind him, before he even has the chance to look around, Willie is dropping his backpack on the floor and walking towards Alex. "Hey," he says, putting his hands on Alex's hips and walking Alex back until Alex's hips and back are pressed against the door.

"Hey," Alex says back. He's surprised at how cool his voice sounds when in reality his heart is trembling.

"Wanna watch a movie?"

"… not really."

"Huh," Willie huffs. He leans forward, resting all of his weight on Alex. Alex's heart isn't just trembling anymore—his insides are completely rattled. "Well what are we supposed to do, then?"

"I dunno," Alex mumbles. This time there's a waver in his voice, but his tone is still strong, his voice is still confident. He traces a hand up Willie's side and around his back. His hand comes to fall on Willie's shoulder blade, his fingers reaching to brush the area in the middle of his back. His eyes flick from Willie's eyes to his lips and then back again. "Guess we'll have to figure it out, huh?"

"I think I have monopoly around here somewhere," Willie suggests, bringing his hand up to curl around Alex's neck. Alex feels a shock go through his body. The hand slips around so Willie's got a hold on the back of Alex's neck rather than the side of it, and Willie's eyes turn dark. He uses his hand to bring Alex forward a bit, but because of their position—Willie's body pressing his to the door—it ends up just tilting Alex's head back. Willie nudges Alex's chin with his nose and grins.

"Too boring with two players," Alex says, straightening his head again and tilting it down so the few inches he has on Willie stop feeling like a barrier. It's just… he doesn't lose himself with Willie, he just… feels vulnerable, feels like he's being taken apart piece by piece only to be put back together in an even more beautiful, sensible way. He shifts his weight on his feet, moving their entire position against the door, and then slips his hand that's still by his side beneath Willie's shirt and strokes his side. He feels Willie shiver lightly beneath his fingers. "What about scrabble?"

"You're much better with words than I am, not a fair game," Willie hums, and grabs Alex's wrist to stop him from caressing his side. Alex pushes down a feeling of smug satisfaction of finally getting through to his boyfriend. Willie presses Alex's wrist against the door and pushes their foreheads together, shutting his eyes as he does so. Alex lets his fall shut as well. "How about… tic-tac-toe?"

"Hmm… no, too predictable. What about hangman?" he asks, then, limited in his options with one hand pinned to the door, curls the fingers he has resting on Willie's upper back, digging his fingers in as deeply as he can. He's not expecting that to be what makes Willie break, but it does. As soon as his fingers press into Willie's back, the other boy is diving into Alex, connecting their mouths for a frantic kiss. Alex isn't prepared for it, had been expecting Willie to come back with another suggestion, so he gasps into the kiss. Willie mimics him, parting his lips as well, and then Alex can feel Willie, taste Willie. Alex's heart pounds in his chest and his blood rushes through his veins and the symptoms of… this are so similar to the start of a panic attack but during a panic attack Alex feels like he's drowning and now… now he feels like he's flying.

Willie uses the hand behind Alex's neck to pull him away from the door as he steps backwards, knowing the layout of his room so well that even while his attention is focused entirely on Alex, he can lead Alex slowly while walking backwards until they reach the bed. At that point, Willie breaks the kiss and hops on to the bed, looking at Alex with a clear invitation, but there's also uncertainty, as if moving to a bed is somehow a huge step. And Alex supposes in a way it is. They've only ever managed kissing in a vertical position and in public, which in turn, has kept all of their kissing more… tame. Simple. Mellow. They've never gotten to be a teenage couple and just… make out. Still, it's cute that Willie has had this pause, is so obviously waiting for Alex to make the next move. So Alex does.

He climbs on the side of the bed, staring at Willie, and knee walks over to him until he has one knee on either side of Willie's hips so he's straddling him. Willie stares up at him, hair fanned along his pillows, and his face is several shades darker than usual. Alex bites his lip to stop himself from grinning, and instead leans down to bump their noses together, careful to keep their lips separated even as Willie tries to kiss him. "I like your room."

"You haven't even seen my room," Willie says, eyes flickering between Alex's eyes and his lips.

"Sure I have." He flicks his eyes to the side. "You've got blue bedding. And monopoly, somewhere."

Willie groans, scrunching his nose. "Are we really doing this again?"

"I don't know," Alex hums. "I like affecting you."

"You always do," Willie tells him. He slips a hand up and cups Alex's jaw. "Always have."

"I like being able to see it," Alex admits. "I feel like I'm always the one giving in to you. Half the time you kiss me out of nowhere and I just—I don't know how to react after. You make me stupid."

Willie grins and huffs out a laugh. Alex is so close he can feel Willie's breath wash over his face. "Half the time I kiss you out of nowhere because I'm gone on you, dude. Most of the time, me kissing you is me being affected. You probably just did something hella cute."

"Oh."

"Yeah, oh," Willie says. "Like, god, like right fucking now. 'Oh,'" he repeats with a roll of his eyes, and then surges up, locking their lips together. This time, Alex is at least a bit more prepared. He kisses back immediately and tries to take control this time. It takes Willie a minute to notice Alex's goal, so there's a bit of a battle between them—Willie leading subconsciously and Alex trying to sway it into his favor, until suddenly Willie realizes and backs down without any more of a fight. Willie relaxes back into his pillow, his hand drifts from Alex's jaw to his hip, and he brings his other hand up to slide beneath Alex's shirt to just rest on his stomach. Meanwhile Alex cards his fingers through Willie's hair, using his hold to gently guide Willie's head to where he wants it to be. He's propped up by his elbow on one side of Willie's head, so he uses that hand to play with strands of Willie's hair mindlessly. And slowly, his lips work against Willie's, and Alex wants this moment to last forever, wants to live in this feeling of being loved, being wanted, being held, being desired, being Willie's. Realistically he knows it won't last forever.

For right now, tonight's enough.

#willex #willex fic #willex fanfic #jatp fic #jatp fanfic #ysmfinb #my writing

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