#but i think doctors who have passed out are really going get a nostalgia trip in this

[riversofmars]

And just thought of!! What if 13 and river bump into her previous self melody....and melody is hitting on 13. (Are her parents there as well)

Right, this got a little bit out of control, it turned out much longer than expected but I had a brilliant time writing this, I really hope you like it!!

Word Count: 2800

Genre: Comedy

Rating: G (but some swearing and innuendo lol)

AO3

Girls Night

“River we can’t do this…“ The Doctor protested as her wife was working the TARDIS’s controls. 

“Why not? You said you missed them and so do I.“ River retorted setting coordinates. 

“It’s too complicated, you know I can’t get to Manhattan anymore and…“ The Doctor tried to reason with her but to no avail.

“Who’s talking about Manhattan? We just pop in during one of your many absences, months at a time to pick from, we’ll be fine…“ River set the TARDIS going. 

“But the time stream, it would be their past, it could get very complicated if…“ The Doctor argued. 

“Hush, I do it all the time. We just don’t tell them it’s you, no biggie.“ River shrugged and grinned at her when the TARDIS landed.

“River, I really don’t think…“ The Doctor started again but her wife wouldn’t hear of it. She went to grab her hand and pulled her to the door. 

“Come along!“

They stepped outside and found themselves in the backyard of the Pond’s family home. It looked exactly as it had on so many of the Doctor’s previous trips here and she felt a wave of nostalgia gripping her. Maybe River was right, maybe it would be just fine. There were plenty of gaps in her travels with the Ponds, no reason why they couldn’t pop in if they were being careful about what they revealed. They just had to get their stories straight.

“River, what are we going to tell…“ The Doctor held her back. They couldn't just barge in unannounced, she hadn’t even bothered to check yet where in the Ponds’ timeline they were.

“River?“ Amy’s voice came across the yard. She must have heard the TARDIS landing to have come out to check.

“Amy!“ River waved at her mother and pulled the Doctor along.

“What are you…“ Amy eyed the TARDIS behind them curiously.

“Oh, just wanted to pop in for a visit.“ River grinned.

“Where’s the Doctor?“ Amy frowned a little confused.

“Busy. I borrowed the TARDIS, don’t worry, I’ll pop it right back, he’ll never know.“ River explained it away with a chuckle and a wave of her hand. Amy accepted the explanation, it wasn’t like it was the first time.

“And who’s this?“ Amy looked to the Doctor, surprised her daughter had brought company. The Doctor stared back at her in shocked. It had been so long since she had last seen her. She wanted nothing more than to pull her into a hug but she knew she shouldn’t. The lack of recognition in her eyes hurt more than she wanted to admit. It was like she was looking right through her.

“Spoilers.“ River answered.

“Spoilers?“ Amy repeated rolling her eyes. “Does spoilers have a name?“

“I brought wine.“ River changed the subject quickly and pulled two bottles of wine from her coat pocket. Dimensional engineering.

“When did you get those?“ The Doctor couldn’t help but ask but she knew she probably wouldn’t get an answer. Her wife had her ways…

“Well, that’s good, we are having girls night so that is perfect. It’s the Strictly finale.“ Amy grinned and took the wine off her as she ushered them inside. They followed her into the lounge and froze in the doorway when they realised there was someone else lounging on the sofa already.

“Who’s this Amy?“ Mels raised her eyebrows, eying the two of them curiously.

“This is River and her friend who hasn’t got a name.“ Amy explained gesturing to both of them in turn.  

“Friend or Girlfriend?“ Mels asked with a flirty grin as she looked the Doctor up and down who blushed.

“This is going to get very complicated.“ She mumbled to River who nodded slowly.

“Amy, I just need to talk to my wi… friend a minute, we’ll be right back.“ River announced to Amy who looked back at her confused but before she could protest, River was already dragging the Doctor down the hallway.

“Right, I’ll open the wine.“ Amy called after them. “No making out in my bedroom!“ She gave a shrug to Mels and then went to busy herself in the kitchen.

“Okay, maybe this wasn’t such a good idea.“ River admitted, closing the bedroom door behind them.

“You think?!“ The Doctor exclaimed.

“That’s me…“ River gestured back towards the door.

“Yes, before Amy knows that! Her memories will blur, she’s not the problem but if Amy realises, that could be bad!“ The Doctor groaned in frustration. This was exactly the sort of thing she had been trying to avoid.

“Should we tell her who you are and just make her promise not to tell you?“ River suggested, trying to think of a way to make this easier for them.

“We should just go.“ The Doctor shook her head. “Because if you realise who I am, you’re going to try and kill me! This is you before we met!“ She had to remind her. “We should just get out of here, make you apologies to your mother and let’s go.“

“I’m sorry, Doctor, I really thought this would be fun…“ River ran her hand through her hair.

“Doctor? Well, I’ll say, this is going to be fun.“ They jumped when the door opened to reveal Mels.

“Mels…“ The Doctor said carefully taking a step towards her. She held her hands out, almost as if approaching a wild animal.

“How do you know me?“ Mels raised her eyebrows in amusement.

“How much of that did you hear?“ River asked the question she knew was on the tip of the Doctor’s tongue.

“Enough.“ Mels retorted with a wicked grin. “Love the hair, by the way, my, I look great, don’t I.“ She looked her future self up and down making clear she knew exactly what was going on here. “And you’re the Doctor? Certainly not who Amy described but I’ll take it.“ She turned her attention to the Doctor.

“It’s a tiny bit complicated timeline wise…“ The Doctor winced. At least Mels would forget about all this. They just needed to get out of this situation as soon as possible and preferable in one piece.

“I’m sure it’ll all straighten out just fine.“ Mels grinned and grabbed a letter opener from Amy’s desk.

“Okay, none of that.“ The Doctor was quick to sonic and disarm her as she had done in Berlin. “You will forget about this anyway and the timeline will stay intact.“

“OI! What are you all doing down there? I’m not drinking all this wine to myself.“ Amy’s voice called down the hall, interrupting the tense stand off.

“Amy can’t know, we’re in her future, you will be damaging your own timeline if you tell her.“ River gave Mels a stern warning. “I am you and I know that for a fact!“

Mels rolled her eyes at her but couldn’t respond as Amy stuck her head it.

“Come on then!“

They obliged and followed her, none of them wanted to ruin the fun for her.

“Sit down.“ Amy pointed to the sofa and handed out wine glasses.

Mels patted the sofa next to her indicating for the doctor to sit but River was quick to pull her along and sit her down the opposite end. She put her arm around the Doctor protectively and Amy dropped onto the sofa between River and Mels, eying their silent exchange curiously. She felt like she was missing something.

“It’s starting.“ The telly drew her attention as the Strictly Come Dancing theme tune came on and Amy leaned forward in excitement. “You’ve got to drink for every 10 scored and down your glass if anyone scores a perfect 40!“ She explained the rules of the drinking game.

“We are so going to regret this…“ The Doctor eyed the glass in her hand suspiciously and had a sniff of the wine. She disliked alcohol at the best of times but when she was trying to keep a level head from getting herself killed by her wife’s past self, it seemed even less appealing. The TV show, however, was actually quite fun to watch and they all got into it.

After a while, the doorbell went.

“That’ll be the pizza.“ Amy exclaimed full of excitement.

“I’ll go.“ Mels offered as Amy appeared to be enjoying the show a lot more than the rest of them. She got to her feet and left the room. Amy, took advantage of her momentary absence and turned to River and the Doctor. Apparently, they were more interesting than the dancing show after all.

“Okay, okay, seriously now, joke’s over, who are you?“ She glared at the Doctor, trying to work her out. Something was going on, she knew it, River would hold on to just anyone like that, even when she was getting increasingly tipsy.

“I uh…“ The Doctor blushed and looked to River for help who just took a gulp of her wine.

“Oh look Amy, another 10!“ River pointed to the telly. “I’ll say, this drinking game is dangerous.“

“Here we go.“ Mels returned with the pizza forcing Amy to stop her interrogation. As far as Amy knew at this point, Mels had no knowledge of her travels with the Doctor - apart from what she had told her during her childhood - and who River even was. Mels passed Amy one of the boxes and opened the other, holding a piece out to the Doctor. “Try this one.“

“Yay pizza.“ The Doctor leaned forward in excitement but River was quick to take the box off Mels.

“Yeah, intercepting that…“ She popped the box behind herself onto a shelf. “Poisoned.“ She mouthed to the Doctor. She knew herself well enough. The Doctor’s face fell in disappointed.

“Hm.“ Mels pursed her lips and sat down again.

“Okay, here we go, perfect 40!“ Amy exclaimed taking a huge bite of her pizza, she hadn’t even noticed the exchange between the others.

“Stop drinking so much, we need to keep an eye on her.“ The Doctor whispered to River who was downing her glass alongside Amy.

“I need this to cope with the situation.“ River smirked to her and pulled her closer.

“Also makes you more handsy.“ The Doctor gave a little, undignified squeak when River gave her arse a squeeze.

“You don’t usually complain about that.“ River hummed in a sultry voice as she leaned closer.

“River, how’s that boyfriend of yours?“ Amy exclaimed elbowing her daughter. She knew her relationship with the Doctor was rather complicated but she was sure he would not be best pleased to witness this. So she got offended on his behalf.

“Oh you know, he’s about…“ River gave a dismissive wave.

“You have a boyfriend, River?“ Mels pipped up from the other side.

“Yeah, he’s a Doctor.“ River retorted hoping to make her see that she really should stop trying to kill her future wife.

“Isn’t she a Doctor, too? Do you have a type?“ Mels smirked pointing towards the Doctor who went very pale.

“You’re a doctor?“ Amy looked back to the Doctor who could already see the whole thing crashing down around them.

“Doctor of archeology, we met at uni!“ She exclaimed quickly.

“Oh right.“ Amy nodded, that made sense.

“You’re an archeologist?“ Mels looked to River thoroughly confused.

“Got a problem with that?“ River shot back.

“I don’t know, do I? Just wondering what went wrong in between.“ Mels shook her head to herself.

“More wine?“ Amy suggested feeling tensions rising. She had no idea what was going on but this was not how she had envisaged girls night to go. She jumped to her feet to get more wine from the kitchen.

When Amy came back, she found the lounge in disarray. The sofa had been knocked over. The pizza had gone everywhere. The telly was broken, sizzling in the corner and Mels and River were fighting on the floor.

“Stop it right now!“ The Doctor called, stumbling over her own feet a little as the alcohol was starting to effect her.

“Okay, what the HELL is going on here?!!“ Amy barked and River jumped to her feet, letting Mels up as well. “WELL??!“ Amy scolded her daughter.

“This might be a little bit complicated to explain.“ River grimaced.

“Try me.“ Amy put her hands on her hips. “This better not be a late toddler tantrum!“ She glared at her. “But what I really want to know is who youare.“ She turned and tabbed her finger at the Doctor who immediately went very pale.

“Come on Amy, you can stop pretending now.“ Mels huffed in annoyance.

“Pretending?“ Amy frowned.

“About the Doctor.“ Mels exclaimed as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. “You used to tell me about him all the time, but you have mentioned he’s gonna turn into a pretty girl, you know I like blondes.“ She gestured to the Doctor.

“Oh my God, you actually are the Doctor?“ Amy looked back around, confirming the sneaking suspicion she had had for a while.

“Who else would wear braces like that…“ River shrugged, surprised it had taken her mother this long.

“Why didn’t you tell me it was you?“ Amy yelled at the Doctor who wanted to take cover behind the sofa but was too slow. She punched her arm. “You idiot!“

“Ouch! It wasn’t my idea to come here looking like this…“ The Doctor exclaimed rubbing her arm.

“Okay, yes, enough talking, can we just get to the point.“ Mels interrupted by pulling a large kitchen knife at the Doctor.

“Mels, what are you doing?“ Amy exclaimed staring at the knife in her hand.

“Doing what she’s been trained to do, try and kill the Doctor…“ River explained stepping protectively in front of her wife.

“Wait…“ Amy’s head was spinning.

“My own bespoke psychopath.“ The Doctor sighed. This was just too much, this was going terribly, terribly wrong.

“It’s just a phase, you’ll grow out of it.“ River couldn’t help but point out.

“I am not following.“ Amy shook her head.

“Come on mum, everyone has got there except you.“ Mels sighed.

“Hang on, you’re not…“ Amy’s head whipped back around to Mels.

“Penny in the air…“ Mels grinned.

“You’re Mels, my childhood friend.“ Amy exclaimed.

“Short for…“ River prompted.

“Melody.“ Amy answered. “Yeah, I named you after her.“ She looked from River to Mels and back again.

“You named your daughter after your daughter… I feel like we’ve done this before.“ The Doctor said half heartedly.

“Maybe have a drink so you don’t freak out… and so the timeline doesn’t change too much, we arrived a bit early…“ River pointed to the wine glass in her mother’s hand who promptly took a big gulp. This was evening was getting worse by the second.

“The timeline is about to change alright.“ Mels smirked dangerously and lunged forward with the knife. River met her half-way and grabbed her arm. She tripped her up and knocked her to the floor. The knife flung out of her hand and slid away as River twisted her arm onto her back.

“I’m lifetimes ahead of you, dear.“ She smirked as she held her down.

“So you are both from my very distant future, just popped in for a visit. Mels is actually River but young and my daughter but she’s trying to kill the Doctor because that’s what the Silence trained her to do.“ Amy started rambling. “But the Doctor is a hot blonde now, who, apparently, my verybisexual daughter is shagging, again, or rather still? But I’m not supposed to know any of that cause it’s all already happened for you and the timeline would be fucked if I found out so you were all pretending like nothing was going on and we got drunk because…“

“Aaaaand I think that’s enough of that.“ The Doctor pressed her fingertips to Amy’s face and she collapsed to the floor unconscious.

“Mind wipe? Probably for the best.“ River nodded.

“She’ll have one hell of a hangover anyway.“ The Doctor shrugged and lifted her up and onto the sofa even though it was still at an odd angle.

“And I suppose I’m just gonna forget about this, am I?“ Mels struggled against River’s grip.

“Yes, won’t remember a thing once we’re out of here. And don’t worry, you will never kill the Doctor, you’ll get close but you will save him because you’ll fall in love with him, so you have that to look forward to.“ River huffed as she let go of her.

“Well, I have that to look forward to.“ Mels couldn’t help but smirk as she looked the Doctor up and down with very blatant admiration.

“When you’re a bit older.“ River was quick to retort. “I’m taking her home tonight.“ She gave the Doctor her best cheshire cat smile, making her blush deeply.

“Time to get back to the TARDIS…“ The Doctor said, trying not to sound too eager.

#river x thirteen #thirteen/river #space wives #doctor who #river song #thirteen #thirteenth doctor #Mels #melody pond #amy pond #fanfiction #humour #comedy #fluff #femslash #yowzah #the ponds

[captainscanadian]

Hope | Bucky Barnes x Reader (Part 1)

 My Masterlist

Series Masterlist

Summary: Being back in your childhood home had certainly brought you some well-needed inspiration. 

Word Count: 2900+

Pairing: (Eventual) Doctor!Bucky Barnes x Patient!Reader, OMC Harry Nelson x FWB!Reader, Rebecca Barnes x OFC Rosie Bender

Warnings: Heartbreak, Bullying, Grey’s Anatomy Spoilers

A/N: This fic was my entry for @wkemeup​‘s 4K Writing Challenge. I DON’T DO TAGLISTS!

When Harry Nelson had first moved to Los Angeles at the age of eighteen, he’d had many dreams of becoming a screenwriter and director. He wanted to make movies that seemed relatable to the general public, with no action sequences or elements of science-fiction, no monsters  or magic, no million dollar budget to be spent on visual effects. Just simple stories about real people, whether it was the kind that made them laugh or the kind that made them cry.

Throughout the span of his twenty-year long career in Hollywood, he had come to realize that the genre of romance movies had their own built-in audience that he could definitely make money off of. The hopeless romantics, as he liked to call them, were a group of people who were always longing to see love stories that don’t necessarily end happily, but still leave them believing that true love existed. 

While he had since directed several romance films that went on to have the cultural impact in the likes of Notting Hill and The Notebook, it hadn’t been until he had met another hopeless romantic did he realize that he was one of them. For a man who never believed in true love, he sure enjoyed love stories. He was a hopeless romantic, as much as he hated to admit it. Whether his story was going to end happily or not, he still had a part to play in it. 

Back when the first instalment of the Hopeless series had turned out to be a success, Harry had simply approached you in request of the movie rights to your novel series. While you hadn’t given in to his request due to not knowing how you might even end the series yourself, he decided to play the long game and wait until you figured out the ending. 

Years had gone by and the two of you had only become best friends, bonding over your mutual love for the romance genre. Many movie nights were spent watching the classics such as Casablanca and Breakfast at Tiffany’s. He had invited you to his premieres and parties, to simply take part in the discourse of what it meant to write a beautiful love story that stood beyond its time. But the friendship you shared had turned to something more when you had found yourselves drunk at an after-party and consumed by lust of all things and not love as one would have assumed. 

Even though becoming one of the love interests in your story had certainly not been his plan all along, he couldn’t complain about it either. A newly single romance novelist and a divorced filmmaker with a knack for romance getting involved with each other was not the strangest thing to take place in Hollywood, not even when you had a ten year age difference. You had kept your arrangement as secretive as you could though, for you did not need the prying eyes of the media to ruin what you had. 

By the time the third instalment had been published, no one had suspected that the muse behind Dr. Jake Winston was Harry Nelson himself. Harry had seemed to figure it out early on though, when you had let him have a glimpse of the first draft. But when he gave you his approval to go ahead with the story, you had made him promise you that he would play the role he helped create if your novels were ever made into movies. Harry had been delighted to accept that if he were to make his acting debut, it would be as one of the love interests of Hope Anderson. 

Being the man who taught you what it felt like to be safe in a relationship, he had always given you a way out of your friendship with benefits. After all, the strings had never been attached to begin with. But that was a path you did not think you would want to take, at least not until now. 

Not that the two of you had managed to drive each other crazy like most Hollywood couples. As unsurprising as that would have been, you felt that you really needed a break from living the California dream and that included what you had with Harry. 

With the fourth and final instalment of your series being due in just a few more months, you found yourself hitting a brick wall with where you wanted Hope Anderson’s story to go. Writer’s block was a curse that you hadn’t really experienced with the last three novels. But inspiration for the fourth novel had just not struck. 

You were well aware that your readers were longing for a happy ending for the girl who had spent a majority of her life being heartbroken. For a strong and career-driven woman like herself, she could easily find someone to settle down with. But that wasn’t what you wanted when it came to the ending of your series. 

You wanted Hope to find some kind of purpose for the journey that she had taken since leaving her hometown for college. You wanted things to be right for her, even if they weren’t necessarily right for you. There needed to be a purpose behind her journey, that was meant to be fulfilled in the final book. 

It had been Harry’s suggestion, being a fellow writer himself, that it might be plausible if the fourth novel took a rather ‘coming-of-age’ kind of path compared to the last three instalment. Reid made her realize that she had moved on too soon, Ethan made her realize that love was messy, and Jake made her realize that there are good men in this world. Neither of these men had been right for her, but then who was? 

“I think our girl Hope needs to go home.” Harry had suggested one night in the midst of your pillow talk. “She hasn’t been home in ten years. I think she needs a little trip of self-discovery, a walk down memory lane… she needs to find herself in order to find her one true love.” 

“What makes you think that she’ll find her true love when she finds herself?” You had asked him, curiously. 

“There’s only one way to find out.” 

The air was crisp as you stepped out of your Uber and grabbed your suitcases from the trunk, leaving a heavy tip for the driver at the end of this dreadfully quiet ride from Indianapolis International Airport to your humble home in Shelbyville, Indiana. 

Being back in this little city after an entire decade in the West Coast sure brought back the good old days for a moment there. But when the cold breeze hit you, you were reminded why you had fled your hometown in the first place. Certainly, you had gotten used to the California sun. But who could blame you though? This place was hell on earth. 

As you dragged your suitcases up the driveway, you could not help but look around the neighborhood that you had grown up in. It seemed as though nothing had changed in the last ten years. Or perhaps, it was just the nostalgia of being back here that made it seem as though everything was still the same when it wasn’t. 

Old man Nick who lived next door still had his ratty old truck parked out front - was that thing still kicking; you couldn’t believe it. The last you heard, his daughters Carol and Maria had moved out to Indianapolis after college and visited the man every now and then. Apparently, he refused to leave Shelbyville as he had lived there his whole life. His wife had lived and died at that house, and he could not see himself leaving behind the memory of her. 

The girls had asked your mother to keep an eye on him, and she had kept an eye on him because she seemed to be the only one in the neighborhood he trusted. Your mother had told you that they were bonding over their mutual empty nest syndrome, but not even her attempt to guilt trip you had brought you back here. 

You hadn’t even bothered to come back here when you had found out that your mother was ill. You had flown her out to Los Angeles instead, and did the best you could to give her the medical care she needed at one of the best hospitals in the country. 

Not even when she had passed away did you ever try to come back and take care of the house she’d left behind for you. You just hated everything about Shelbyville, Indiana, to ever come back. 

But nothing like a little writer’s block to bring you back here. 

You made a mental note to leave a rather sarcastic voicemail for Harry, for convincing you to fly out here on your own and facing a part of your life that you never wanted to return to. God, you hated him sometimes, mostly because he was always right and he seemed to know it. You loved him too. Not the kind of love that destroys you, but the kind that made you realize that you always deserved to feel loved by someone. 

Truth be told, the house was not as bad as you had thought it would be. It just needed a little dusting and maybe a paint job, but it was still your childhood home in every way. Nick had kept it in good shape while you were gone, because your mother had asked him to take care of it in case you had ever thought about coming back home. 

You thanked the man when he handed you the keys, and asked him if you could borrow his truck to run some errands later that day. You just needed to run into town to pick up some groceries and stop by the hardware store to grab some supplies. 

In the meantime, you could use the quiet and the nostalgia to come up with the perfect plot for the final instalment of your novel series. Perhaps you could start off with Hope Anderson returning to her hometown due to her mother being ill, putting a pin on completing her residency and giving herself a break from her arrangement with Jake. 

She spends hours on end sitting by her mother’s bedside, losing her hope as the days rolled by. And when her mother passes away, she copes with her loss by spring cleaning her childhood home and fixing it up. 

*EDIT: 4th love interest? 

You had written a few pages of your first draft when you finally decided to take a break, stretching your arms as you stepped away from your laptop on the dining table. You had been avoiding your childhood bedroom like the plague ever since you had arrived, claiming the master bedroom as yours for the duration of your stay. 

But as you ascended up the creaky stairway and turned the corner to your childhood bedroom, you could have sworn that the last ten years had never gone by. The paint was chipping off of the cream colored walls, multiple posters of the Jonas Brothers pasted against them, never being taken down in your years away. 

You recalled the time you’d had the chance to meet them following their comeback, as one of their wives had starred in one of Harry’s films. You may not have been an overly enthusiastic fangirl on the red carpet, but you were certainly proud of how far you had come from your childhood bedroom. The teenage girl who used to live in this room had clearly grown up, living every dream she’d always had… except one. 

You walked over to the desk at the corner of your room, where the first few scenes of your Grey’s Anatomy fanfiction had been written. You had written more than one hundred thousand words about the undying love between Mark Sloan and Lexie Grey, as though they had never died after that plane crash, not even realizing that the basis of that story would eventually inspire the plot of your third novel. The attending and the resident with a significant age difference - God, could you ever be original with your own writing? 

This was the room where you fell in love with writing, but writing was not the only thing you had fallen in love with at the time. On the bulletin board above your desk remained one photograph, being held together by a thumb tack. 

You remembered the day after your high school graduation, when you had forcefully ripped out most of the photographs you had pinned to that bulletin board and chucked them in the trash bin, along with the feelings you had for the seventeen year old boy who was in those photographs with you. 

A part of you wanted to rip up the last remaining photograph that still remained on that bulletin board, but the ten years you had been away had certainly suppressed the anger you felt towards him. So instead, you left that photo where it was and returned to your laptop, picking up your writing from where you had left off but the thought of him now lingering through your mind. 

James Buchanan Barnes. Your best friend. Your first love. Your first heartbreak. The reason why Hope Anderson’s love life, and yours, had become hopeless in the first place. Perhaps the best way to end this story was to go back to the very beginning, to where it all had started, to the man who had been a part of her life before Jake, Ethan and Reid. 

“Oh Harry, you son of a bitch!” 

Dr. James Barnes let out a yawn as he eyed the CT scans in front of him, even though it was only the beginning of his twelve hour call shift. Only into the second year of his three year residency in emergency medicine, he was starting to familiarize with the intensity of his life as an emergency room physician. Sleepless nights were only the bare minimum. 

Not that he could not handle the stress of running the ER one day, but Bucky was well aware that outside of the walls of Shelbyville Hospital, he did not have a life. No girlfriend to go home to, no hobbies to kill time with and no friends from outside of work to hang out with. Work, sleep, repeat… life was starting to get boring for the poor twenty-eight year old man. 

“You look miserable.” Rosie Bender, the ER nurse on call and Bucky’s former classmate, remarked cheekily at her friend before she slipped into the seat next to him. 

He shot her a fake smile as he set down his patient file back onto the rack, leaning back in his chair and looked over at the nurse. “I’m just bored as fuck, Rosie. As you can see, the ER’s pretty quiet tonight. I just want something to do.” 

“If you’re so bored, you can help me make some calls. I have to finalize the number of people who are coming to this thing by the end of the week. The catering people have been asking for numbers… and don’t even get me started on picking the menu.” 

For the woman who had been head of the Prom Committee back in senior year, planning their ten year reunion was supposed to be a piece of cake. But Rosie was struggling with juggling all of the responsibilities that came with planning this reunion, being the only who seemed to care so much about being able to reunite with some old friends from what had been the best four years of her life. Why did no one else care about this as much as she did?

Truth be told, Bucky could care any less about this so-called ten year reunion. He was well aware that the one person he would be hoping to see would never show up. You hadn’t even come back to town when your mother had gotten sick, let alone to this stupid reunion that was meant to be a remainder of your senior year - the memory that he had ruined for you by being so inconsiderate towards your feelings for him. 

He could never forgive himself for what he had done to you, and to think that he would never have the chance to apologize to you in person. He fucked up, and he pushed away the one friend he had. If he could just see you one last time and tell you how sorry he was, Bucky would give anything. But he knew that all hope was lost on that, at least until Becca Barnes had come rushing into the ER. 

He had just assumed that she was only dropping off some dinner for him and Rosie, but instead she looked over at the two of them with beaming eyes. “You two are not going to believe who I ran into at the hardware store just now...” 

“Is old man Nick renovating the Y/L/Ns’ house again because he’s bored?” Rosie perked up at her girlfriend, giggling softly as she stood from her chair to lean over the desk and peck her lips. 

“No, but close…” The younger Barnes chirped before she turned to her brother. “Y/N’s back in town.” 

Perhaps, all of his hope was not lost after all. 

#kas4kwc #hope #aj writes #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes x you #bucky barnes x y/n #bucky barnes fanfiction #bucky barnes fanfic #bucky barnes fic #bucky barnes imagine #bucky barnes series #bucky barnes au #doctor au #doctor!Bucky

[sausausuka]

001.

❝ LILY OF THE VALLEY ❞

inked by Sau

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WARNING : The piece contains the theme of Hanahaki disease, coughing of flowers and vulgar terms will be seen along the story.

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It never really occurred to Tendou that life can be unreasonable sometimes. It was just like yesterday that the he and his lover shared a profound relationship with each other. Those happy days, that love that bloomed from mere friendship — he missed that.

And yet here is, wondering what happened between the two of them. As far as he knew, Tendou didn't do anything that can upset the male but why, why is is that he wouldn't talk to him?

"Is the food good, Wakatoshi-kun?" He would ask brightly, offering more of what he cook towards the fellow.

"Huh? Yes, it was okay." Was the lover's answer before he realized the difference from now. Wakatoshi usually would nod eagerly at him, complimenting his hard work and now a plain answer, he didn't even touch much of his food.

The anxiousness is killing him.

"Ah, then, " slightly fiddling with his slender fingers, Tendou perked up a topic that he was wondering for a long time, "... What should we do for our anniversary, Wakatoshi-kun?"

"...."

"Should we eat out?" The redhead suggested with a grin, looking at the other fondly, "we can perhaps go out to a restaurant? How about taking a trip outside?"

They have been together for 9 years, and they always had this most fun anniversary celebrations together. Both of them lived in together in a small house in Paris, and they would always somehow visit different places together. It wasn't much fancy but both of them enjoyed the day together as a couple. However, as to what he can see right now, there won't be any fun to celebrate soon.

"... I can't."

"....?"

"I can't celebrate it with you, Tendou. We have an important practice match along with the team on that day..." Ushijima explained with a drop of his spoon, sighing a bit from how the pointless the conversation is.

"I-I see, " it had already been the second time he used this kind of excuse, ".... That's alright! Next anniversary then—"

"Sure."

And with that final answer, Tendou was left at the dining table with both of his hands placed on top of his head. He never liked this emotion he is feeling, the suspicions that bubbled deep inside him made him think that the male was lying to his face.

Is he tired of him?

Did he do something wrong?

Was he just overthinking?

These words that echoed along his heart made him feel as if something pricking his heart. It hurts, and with a hand over his chest — he smiled through the pain.

'I am okay as long as I have you.'

Their anniversary passed as if it was nothing, just a normal day for two men. Tendou actually prepared Ushijima's favorite food that day and only to realize that he wouldn't come home that day. His heart sank, and the seed implanted in his heart started growing.

"You have been sighing for the fifth time today, Tendou." Taichi, a friend whom he have since high school, commented. They are co-workers in a restaurant both of them worked on and Taichi was a bartender meanwhile he's a chocolatier.

"I am?" He asked with a nervous chuckle, "I didn't notice." The redhead replied before waving both of his arms in front of him, "It's nothing! It's nothing, Taichi!"

"Really? You look tired."

"Well, it's just that my heart has been feeling quite heavy lately~"

"Your heart? Don't you need it to be checked up?"

"I don't think it's that bad, " Tendou replied with a grin, focusing on his work as he began mixing the hot chocolate on a bowl he was holding on to, "Ora, it is quite a fancy celebration for the couple who ordered this chocolate cake! " he started, trying to change the topic.

"Well, it was their anniversary— Tendou?"

Cough. Cough.

Followed by the cough was the soft thud of the spatula that fell from the chocolatier's hand, there dropped a white flower from the male's crooked lips. There petal of the famous scented flower, Lily of the Valley, fell on top of the chocolate he was making.

Another one. And another one.

Tendou continued coughing up the flower until he fell to his knees, blood came after and he can feel the itching feeling of the stuck sprout in his throat, he wanted to cough more.

"Tendou!"

"Taichi..."

—

"Hanahaki disease?"

"Yes, Hanahaki." The doctor replied with a sigh, prescribing medicine for the pain and wounds on his throat, "it's a disease that results from unrequited love, your heart is in deep pain right now due to the flowers that grew on your lungs."

"Is there some other way doctor to heal from the disease?" Taichi asked for the sake of his friend. Sometimes, Tendou is thankful that he have such a kind friend as the male.

"There are two ways, it's either be loved back or undergo surgery. However, the surgery can cause you your ability to feel."

"My feelings?" Tendou asked gloomily, looking at the beautiful scented flower on his hand. He can't, he can't loose something as beautiful as his love for Ushjima. The flowers in his lungs? It just shows how much he love him.

"Yes, you're fee—"

"He's going to love me back." Tendou said abruptly, positive of the solution he had for himself, "he's.. He loves me already, that's why I should just feel it..." He mumbled unsurely, clasping the flower in his palm.

"Then if you're positive, " he chuckled, "I hope you the best."

—

Walking home that day was sure of a burden for Tendou, every step along the way made his insides squirm in turmoil. His disquietude made him reckon more of the issue he was handling

Will he really love him back?

Will he really stay?

Will he heal him?

He was positive of himself a moment ago but now that he thought of all the things they have experienced, he's not so certain anymore.

He's scared.

"Wakatoshi-kun...?"

And he was right, because as soon he arrived in their home, a letter caught his attention. It was neatly placed on top of their tea table and a ring settled beside it. Tendou knew what is inside the letter already.

Cough. Cough.

Along with the streaming of his tears that day was the constant flow of flowers and blood from his mouth, and yet despite all that, he continued reading the letter of the one who abandoned him.

"I decided to follow Oikawa, I love him. I'm sorry."

These words that gave him the most tears made him squeeze the flowers that fell from his mouth and the cold ring that was left hours ago. It hurts.

"Why... It hurts..."

He cried a lot that night, but you can't say that it would be his last nor does he have any plans of taking off the flowers that grew from his lungs. The Lily of the Valley is a proof how beautiful an fragrant his love is to the point that he risked his all for him.

He won't take off this flower even if it would be death of him.

Until he comes back.

—

"Ushijima-san?"

Looking back at the hazel haired male behind him, Ushijima's eyes widened in slight shock.

"Taichi? What are you doing here?"

"I live here."

Taichi who was holding groceries gave the superior a raise of his eyebrow, he couldn't forgive this man who have left his lover behind with a sickness that only he can heal — utterly disgusting for him to come back like this.

"O-oh, you're Tendou's new lover?"

"No however we live together." Taichi uttered with a shake of his head, he didn't really expect for the male to appear in front of Tendou's house after all that years of pain that he brought him but he must keep his promise.

"Financial problems?"

"No, " Taichi sighed, "he has a sickness and I have to take care of him."

Ushijima's olive hues widened at the male's words, "Is it serious? Can I see him?"

"Of course. Follow me inside."

To Ushijima's point of view, nothing much changed over the years of his departure. The reason he actually came back was because Tooru and him decided to get married after how many years of being together — something that he didn't bring up with Tendou. However, it doesn't seem that there are traces of Tendou around the house.

"Where is he...?" They already walked pass through the entire house and yet it seems they are going to the garden, "Taichi, where's Tendou."

"He's here." With a grab of the binds of white cloth that distinguish the other flowers from a certain area in the garden, Ushijima's eyes widened at the sight of white scented flowers that grew on the rest of the backyard.

The beautiful white petals of the plant glistened along with the sunlight and there, Ushijima felt the overwhelming nostalgia from the garden of flowers in front of him.

"Where's..."

"You are looking at him"

—

end.

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#wakatoshiushijima #hq wakatoshi #ushijima wakatoshi #haikyuu wakatoshi #wakatoshi x reader #tendou headcanon #tendou imagine #hq tendou #tendou x reader #tendou scenario #ushiten #fanfiction #haikyuu fanfiction #haikyuu fandom #haikyuu!! #haikyuu angst #haikyuu yaoi #bxb #wakatoshi ushijima #hanahaki #haikyuu hanahaki #hanahaki disease #ushijima x tendou #Wakatoshi x tendou #tendou satori

[softboywriting]

Heart Strings

Summary: Moving back to your hometown of DeLuca Falls is the best choice you’ve ever made. You promised your Grandma you would come back if she needed you someday, but it turns out you need DeLuca Falls. Going home brings inspiration, love and unexpected surprises when you meet Shawn, an unlikely friend of your Grandma’s. Shawn seems like the perfect guy but he holds a secret that may just ruin everything. [werewolf au] [light angst] [fluff] 

Word Count: 12k

|Masterlist in Bio|

Welcome to DeLuca Falls,  reads the big red sign with hand painted white letters and apples as it sticks out from the forested landscape along the side of the highway. You turn off at a gravel road and head onto the trees that pass the sign and leads into town. You've got your windows down, favorite album playing on the radio and the wind in your hair. The sense of nostalgia hangs heavy as you make your way home. 

DeLuca Falls is as beautiful as it always has been. It's the beginning of fall, the trees are just starting to turn. The air is crisp, the skies are clear and the world is full of magic here. Your hometown has always been like a little slice of heaven on Earth. It's small, cozy, just a speck on the map where everyone knows each other and everyone is like family. 

As soon as you get into town, the trees opening up to reveal Main Street, you turn onto a dirt road on your left with an old sign the says Birchwood Drive. Its the road that winds around up through the woods to various private residences. When you get to the top of the hill you turn on an unmarked drive that will take you to your grandparents cabin. 

Your grandpa died a long time ago, when you were just a teen. Grandma is still here and she's getting old, and you promised you would move back to town one day for her. It's time you made good on that promise, but it's not the only reason you're moving back. There are rumors that werewolves were making themselves comfortable around DeLuca Falls. Your whole life you've been warned about werewolves, growing up in the woods in the middle of no man's land lead to people telling horror stories of the creatures of the night. Your grandpa in particular always made a point to tell you to be careful.

Your grandma is a pretty spry old woman, but age is age. You can't stop the body from wearing out and she is definitely doing just that. There is no way she could fight off a werewolf and you worry about her living in the woods all alone. 

As you wind through the trees that you've driven countless times and come out in the front of the cabin, you see someone standing by the wood pile stacking logs. It's a young guy, dark hair, tall, dressed in jeans and a green flannel. From his profile you can guess he is probably your age. You have no idea who he is and your grandma definitely has not mentioned him. 

"Hello?" You ask, getting out of your car with your keys in your hand and the man turns around to face you. He's gorgeous, all sharp jawline, soft brown eyes and pearly white teeth as he smiles at you warmly.

He waves, friendly as can be. "Hi! Are you Bibi's granddaughter?" 

"I am? And you are?" 

"Shawn." He sticks his hand out and you take it. Despite the cold air and lack of gloves, his hand is extremely warm. 

"Oh." You introduce yourself just as Grandma steps out onto the porch. "Grandma!"

"Pumpkin!" She hurries down the steps and gives you a big hug. She's so much shorter than you as she rocks you back and forth. "Oh, it's been too long."

"I know Gram." You run your hand over her wooly sweater covered back. "But I'm back home like I promised."

"Yes you are." Grandma steps back and beams at you. "You've grown up so much. You're beautiful. Isn't she beautiful Shawn?" 

Shawn flushes, and clears his throat in a sort of agreeing way. 

"Grandma, please. You always say that."

"Because it's always true." She reaches up and pinches your cheek. 

"So...you didn't mention Shawn before?" You look to the man beside her and he raises his eyebrows, looking between you and Grandma. 

Grandma smiles innocently. "I didn't? Oh, well, this is Shawn." She grabs Shawn's arm and pats him on the shoulder. "He helps me with the firewood and groceries and things. He's a wonderful assistant. Aren't you, Shawn?" 

"I try my best ma'am." He chuckles.

"Oh." You shake your head and repress your initial response to ask why you needed you to move back if she had help. It's not fair to her to say that though, and it sounds selfish. You made her the promise to move back and besides, with Shawn around maybe you would have help in the event of werewolf troubles. 

"Shawn, will you go get some of the dry logs from out back and bring them in? I'm going to put on some coffee."

"Yes ma'am." He nods and heads around the back of the house to the woodshed. 

You take grandma's arm and walk with her into the house. It's just as you remember. Nothing has changed since you were a small child. She has the same furniture grandpa made. The same rugs, the same ancient black wood stove, the same blankets hung over the couch. Time is frozen here, and you can't help but smile as you sink into the worn out wooden bench seat against the window at the back of the kitchen. 

"So, have you found a place to work in town?" Grandma asks as she gets her coffee pot plugged in. 

You look out the fogged glass window and see Shawn loading up the canvas sling to carry the wood inside. "No Grandma. I work from home remember?"

"You don't have to go to the library?" 

"No." You chuckle. "I have a computer I can use anywhere." 

"Oh yes. You did tell me that." 

You look over and she's filling a measuring cup with coffee grounds. She was always so precise when she made things. "I'm working on my second book by the way."

"That's great! What's this one about?" 

"A single mother moving to a small town and falling in love with the local doctor."

Shawn walks in and places the wood in Grandma's holder beside the stove. He looks over at you and quickly looks away when he finds you watching him. You can't help but smile. 

"I can't wait to read it." Grandma opens a few cupboards and sighs, looking around the small kitchen for something. "I can't find the filters."

"The spice cupboard, Bibi." Shawn says and walks over. He opens the door over the sink and hands her down an unopened package of brown paper coffee filters. "Here you go."

"Ah, of course. Thank you." Grandma says softly and Shawn leans against the counter. 

"Of course. I'm going to head out, if you need anything just call?" 

Grandma nods. "You know I will."

Shawn looks over at you with a soft smile and you wave. "It was nice to meet you."

"Likewise." 

_____________________

A few days later you get a call from Grandma and she wants you to stop by and take her to the bakery in the afternoon. Of course you have no problem taking her out, so around noon you grab your keys and a jacket and head to her house. 

When you arrive she's sitting on the porch in her chair and Shawn is leaning on the railing chatting with her. You park near the house so she won't have to walk across the uneven gravel driveway to get to the car. 

"Are you ready, Grandma?" You ask as you step over a little pile of leaves that Shawn must have been raking. 

"Oh Pumpkin, I meant to call you back. I've decided I'm just too tired for a trip today. I didn't sleep well last night, there was a terrible ruckus in the woods." 

"Oh. Is everything alright?" You lean on the post that holds up the porch awning.

"I'm sure it is. It quieted down in the early morning." 

Shawn frowns, looking as troubled by this news as you are. "I can look into it if you like?" 

Grandma waves him off. "No, no need to do that."

You sigh softly. "Well, I can still get you some stuff if you need something from the bakery."

"Would you? I can make a list...just a moment." Grandma pushes up out of her chair and before she can fully get up, Shawn stops her with a hand on her arm. 

"Bibi, I can go with her. I know what you usually buy. You don't have to go through the trouble of making a list." He says softly. 

You watch as Grandma sits back down and nods. "You and Shawn should go together," she says with a smile. 

"I don't mind." Shawn says, looking over at you. "Are you up for it?" 

"Sure." You give Grandma a look and she just smiles. You know she's doing this on purpose, setting you and Shawn up.

Shawn pushes off the porch railing and heads for the car. "Let's get going, the bakery sells out fast."

Grandma gives you a little wave and you head for the car. She's a mischievous little old woman. There is absolutely no way she didn't plan this.

The car ride with Shawn is short but quiet. Mostly he stares out the passenger window, watching the trees pass as if looking for something. You want to make small talk but you're not sure what to say. You don't want to sound like an idiot because Shawn is extremely attractive and he's really sweet. He is definitely someone you want to get to know better. If only you could sort out how to do that. Dating isn't your forte.

"Bibi planned this." Shawn chuckles as you pull up to the parking spaces outside of the bakery. "Don't you think?" 

"Yeah, most likely. She's definitely a matchmaker." You laugh, surprised he was thinking the same thing.

"Oh yeah? Has she done this before?" 

You take your keys out of the ignition and drop them in your purse. "She did once. There was a boy in town who worked at the orchard and I had the biggest crush on him in highschool. When Grandma found out, she would send me to get fresh apples all the time in hopes he would ask me out."

"Did it work out?" 

"No. He had a girlfriend and he was a year older than me."

Shawn smiles. "Too bad. He missed out."

You flush and Shawn gives you a cheeky look. "I-I are you..." You shake your head, trying to process the fact he may be flirting with you. "We should get in there before everything's gone."

He hums and opens his door. "Let's get going then."

Inside the bakery Shawn asks for a loaf of cinnamon bread and two banana walnut muffins. You browse the cases that are nearly empty already and it's just after noon. The place brings back memories of when you would stop by as a child with your grandma or mom. There are few things on the planet better than the smell of freshly baked bread and cinnamon rolls. 

"Ready?" Shawn asks and you look up from your reminiscing at the tray of danishes in the front windows. 

"You're done?" 

"Mmmhmm." 

"But I should have paid? Did Grandma give you money?" 

Shawn shakes his head and pushes open the door for you to walk out. The wind whips inside and it's definitely chillier than you realized, or maybe you had just gotten used to the warm bakery. "I paid for it, no worries."

"You don't have to do that."

"It's just a few loaves of bread. It's not much." Shawn sets the bag on the hood of the car. "I got us something too."

You lean up on your tiptoes to try and peek into the bag as he takes out a big cinnamon roll. "Those are my favorite. How'd you know?" 

"Good guess?" He tears it in half and passes part of it to you. 

"Grandma told you didn't she?" 

"Nope." He stuffs a chunk in his mouth. "Bibi didn't tell me a lot about you, but she did say you were beautiful and smart and she's very proud of you. I can confirm the first bit for sure."

"Shawn!" 

"What? I can't tell a girl she's pretty?" 

You look down and shake your head, eyes focused on your cinnamon roll. "I'm not used to it." 

"Well that's a shame." He dusts his hands off on his jeans and curls the top of the brown bakery bag down. "I'd ask you out in a heartbeat."

"So why don't you?" You look up with a smile as you put a piece of cinnamon roll in your mouth. "I'm not seeing anyone."

"Neither am I. What're you doing Sunday?"

"Probably nothing but writing."

"Will you go to the orchard with me? They're running the apple fest event this weekend."

You nod. "I'd love to go."

Shawn chuckles and picks up the bag off the car. "We should probably get this back to Bibi huh?" 

"A few more minutes couldn't hurt? We can stop by the market? I'm sure she could use some jam right?" 

"Of course." Shawn sets the bakery bag on the front seat, walks around to your side of the car and offers his hand as you step up onto the curb. "Lead the way," he says with a smile and you turn, walking quickly toward the big awning that says DeLuca Market. He gives you butterflies and you can't remember the last time you felt like this. 

_____________________

"Shawn! Come here!" You shout as you run towards a noise you've been hearing for about ten minutes. What you find isn't exactly something you'd expected.

The two of you are at the orchard for your date and Shawn had suggested apple picking after you did the tour and got hot cider. Things are going great, Shawn is funny, smart and soft. He even put his arm around you while you toured the building where they make the cider.

At the entrance to the orchard you both went out with a basket and whatever you pick you get to keep for the low fee of entry. You had been wandering around for a few minutes, showing each other huge apples and laughing at some of the funny shaped ones. Your basket was almost full when you heard a noise in the trees farther down the rows. It almost sounded like a whimpering dog. Shawn says he heard it before you but paid no mind, but since you heard it too he insisted that the two of you start searching. 

"Did you find something?" Shawn asks as he jogs up to you. 

"Yeah." You pull back a couple of trimmed branches in a pile at the end of the orchard to reveal a little puppy stuck in a shallow hole below. 

"Oh no." Shawn drops to his knees and reaches out. "Come on bud, I'm gonna help."

"It growled at me when I tried to reach into there, be careful."

"It's just scared." Shawn lays on his stomach and reaches in farther. "Hey little guy, come on, I promise you'll be okay." 

The puppy yelps as Shawn lifts it out and into his lap. The poor thing is muddy, covered in little sticks and leaves. It's shaking, pressed into Shawn's chest for dear life. From the looks of it, you'd guess it is a husky that's maybe two or three months old. 

"Do you think he ran off from someone's house?" You kneel down and pick some leaves out of his fur. "He isn't very big, I'm not sure anyone would have left him unattended in their yard."

Shawn peels off his flannel shirt and wraps the puppy up in it. "I'm not sure. He's been out here for a while. Maybe a day or two?" 

"How can you tell?" 

"I just can." He stands up, cradling the puppy like a baby. "He needs to be cleaned up and fed." 

You look around the back of the orchard and there isn't anyone around. Everyone else is up toward the front where the apple trees are full. "Should we take him to the people who own the property? Maybe it's one of their dog's puppies?" 

"I don't think we should." 

"Shawn, you can't just take it." 

He huffs in an almost annoyed way and you raise your eyebrows at him. "It's not someone's puppy." 

"You don't know that." 

"I do, just trust me."

You sigh and shake your head. "This isn't exactly how I pictured our first date wrapping up y'know. Why are you being so defensive about this? Why not just take it to the people who own the orchard?"

"We just can't."

"Shawn, I don't think we can just waltz out of the trees with a puppy in your shirt. Someone is going to ask questions." 

Shawn looks to the woods beyond the fence at the edge of the orchard. "I can go that way if you want to go out the front?" 

"Yeah, I guess that's an option. This just feels wrong though. We should tell someone." 

"No."

"Shawn! You're being irrational. I get it you like the puppy but he isn't y-"

"We can't take him to anyone because he's not a dog. It's a wolf pup okay?"

"No way." You pull back the flannel shirt and look at the puppy. You can't be sure because he's so muddy, he just looks like a puppy to you.

"He is. I promise you that this is a baby wolf. There are plenty of wolves in the valley beyond DeLuca Falls. He probably strayed from a pack somewhere and ended up here."

"What are we going to do then? We can't keep him. You can't just leave him in the woods."

"I'm not going to keep him." Shawn looks stressed. "I just...I don't know what to do with him." 

You wrap your arms around yourself and sigh. "Okay, okay, we'll figure this out. Maybe there is someone we can call to come get him?" 

"I don't know. I'm going to meet you at the car okay?" He turns and heads for the fence line. You watch as he crunches through leaves until he's almost out of sight. How did this date end up like this? Things were going so well. This is just your luck. 

____________________

Somehow you find yourself in Shawn's Jeep with a wolf pup in a box in his back seat driving to a wildlife sanctuary an hour away from DeLuca Falls. Shawn had met you at the Jeep outside the orchard where he parked and by the time he got there you had found the number for the sanctuary and called, letting them know what was going on. They said they would gladly help out.

"I'm sorry I ruined our date." Shawn says softly as he turns off the highway and onto the county road that leads to the sanctuary. 

"It's not ruined. It's definitely the most interesting first date I've ever been on though."

"I understand if you don't want to go out again."

You look over at him and he actually looks genuinely hurt at the thought of you rejecting him because of this. "You think I don't want a second date?" 

"I don't know. You seemed pretty upset at the orchard."

"I'm sorry. I just didn't know how to handle the unusual situation. I really would like a second date."

Shawn glances over, eyebrows raised. "Really?"

"Yeah," you chuckle and lean your head against the window. "Despite the end of the date, I really had a good time. I like talking to you. You're very sweet."

"You're sweet too, and I really, really appreciate a second chance. I'm sorry I couldn't just take the pup to the owners. I just couldn't." 

You lay your hand on his arm. "Its okay. I understand. You want to make sure this little puppy survives." 

"I know he's not my responsibility and everything but I just couldn't leave him."

"Shawn." 

"Yeah?" 

"I said it's okay. I promise I'm not mad at you for saving a puppy." 

He lets out a soft sigh. "Are you sure?" 

"One hundred percent sure." 

Shawn turns onto the drive that goes to the entrance of the wildlife sanctuary and follows the signs to the information office. The two of you gather up the puppy still wrapped in Shawn's shirt and carry him inside.

"Hi, I called earlier about finding a wolf pup." You say to the girl at the desk whos name tag says Mel.

"Yes! Let me go grab the vet and a crate to bring it back in." 

Shawn pulls back the fabric of his shirt and the puppy is sleeping. Mel returns and has a small carrier and an older woman with her. 

"Hello, I'm Dr. Tiva." The woman says, shaking your hand. "Where did you find this wolf?" 

"At the orchard in DeLuca Falls." Shawn says as he passes the puppy to Dr. Tiva. "It was stuck in a hole near some brush. I think it's been on its own for a few days." 

The puppy whines, waking up as the doctor places him in the carrier on the desk. Your heart breaks as it begins to cry, obviously upset. 

"That's incredible." Dr. Tiva says softly. "Wolves don't usually get too close to the DeLuca Falls area. It's too populated." 

Mel picks up the carrier and heads for the back area. The puppy whines loudly, clawing at the carrier desperately. 

"Is he going to be safe here?" Shawn asks shakily. "You'll take care of him right?" 

"Yes. We'll clean him up and make sure he's in good health before we introduce him to a surrogate mother." Dr. Tiva smiles. "You're welcome to come back and visit some time. The sanctuary runs hands on classes with most of our animals through the summer and fall months."

Shawn shakes his head. "Thank you, but I think we should probably just part ways." 

Dr. Tiva nods. "Thank you for bringing him in, and rescuing him." 

You thank her for taking him and she walks away to join Mel in the back. You look at Shawn and he's just staring blankly at the doors to the back where the pup was taken. "Shawn? You okay?" 

"Let's go," he sighs sadly, turning and heading out the entrance. 

The car ride back home is silent. An hour of silence is excruciatingly awkward but you have no choice but to endure. Shawn pulls up to your place and kills the engine. He just stares straight ahead down the street, hands wrapped around the steering wheel. 

"Shawn?" You say softly, laying your hand on his bicep. His skin is on fire, like he had just gotten out of a hot tub or something. You have no idea how he's so warm when it's chilly in the Jeep even for you with a jacket and a long sleeve shirt on. "Are you okay?" 

"Yeah." 

"The pup will be safe there." You slide your hand up his arm and over his back. "They're going to take care of him, it's what they do."

"I know," he says roughly, voice caught in his throat. 

"Do you want to come in for a few minutes?" 

He shakes his head. "Thanks for going out with me." He looks over, finally tearing his eyes away from the nothingness. "Thanks for helping me with the pup."

"Are you crying?" You ask as his eyes water up and his face flushes. "Shawn, what's wrong?"

"Nothing." He wipes his eyes and takes a deep breath. "Can we stop talking about it?" 

"Y-yeah." You lean over and kiss his cheek. "Thanks for the date. I'll call you?" 

"Mmmhmm." 

You unbuckle your seatbelt and slide out of the passenger seat. "I'll see you later?" 

Shawn nods. "Yeah I'll stop by Bibi's one day this week."

"Alright. Take care okay?" 

He smiles weakly and you close the door, waving as he turns around in the street to head to his place. You can't help but wonder why he was so choked up about the puppy. And how did he know it was a wolf pup? It's not until he out of sight completely that you realize he has the basket with all the apples in it. Oh well. He could bring them by later or something.

____________________

A storm is raging through DeLuca Falls as you head up the road to Grandma's house. The water rushes down the runoff ditches on the sides of the road. Even with the tree cover it's coming down heavy. When you reach the drive up to grandma's it's flooded over a few inches near the center. Your car is fine as you roll through it and park as close to the house as possible. 

You hurry inside, not totally soaked but wet enough by the time you get the door closed behind you. "Gram, I'm here."

"I'm in the kitchen dear, mind Shawn on the couch." 

You look over and sure enough the large man is curled up on his side hugging a pillow to his chest. His boots are on the floor by the end of the sofa, seemingly kicked off when he laid down. He's snoring, mouth open and everything. He's making a weird face, baring his teeth and his fangs look huge...almost terrifyingly not human.

"He stopped by to see if I needed firewood before the storm kicked up," Grandma says softly as she walks into the living area and you look away from Shawn. 

"I didn't see his Jeep?" 

"He walked most likely. I told him to stay until the weather eased up." She dusts her hands off and you can see flour remnants on her dark apron. 

"Are you baking?" 

"Oh yes, Shawn brought by some apples yesterday." 

You smile. Of course he brought the apples to her, it's exactly what you were going to do. "Has Shawn ever cried in front of you?" 

"No? I don't believe so. Why?" 

"No reason." You follow her into the kitchen and grab a spare apron off the hooks by the fridge. "Need help?" 

"Always." 

Half an hour passes and you and Grandma chit chat about your date while you peel apples and she makes crust. She admits that she hoped you and Shawn would hit off. You already knew that though, she isn't as sneaky as she thinks. 

Shawn appears in the doorway to the living room and you look up. He's a mess of disheveled clothes and bed head. What really gets you though is his when he yawns and his fangs look like they did earlier. You have to do a double take. Were they always like that? You didn't notice his teeth being weird before. 

"What're you staring at?" Shawn laughs as he sinks into a chair across from you. 

"I thought I saw...nothing nevermind." 

Shawn reaches over and grabs a peeled apple slice from the bowl you're working on filling. "When did you get here?" 

"A little while ago. You were snoozing while the storm raged on."

"I was tired."

You raise your eyebrows playfully. "What have you been doing to make you so tired?"

"Working, hiking, just the usual stuff."

"Uh huh."

"You should go hiking together," Grandma says as she walks over for a bowl of apples. "You used to love running around out there when you were young."

"I haven't been hiking in years. I don't even know if I have boots for that." 

Shawn smirks and leans close with his chin on his hand. "You can always buy a pair in town y'know? How bout it? Our second date could be a hike."

"You're serious?" 

"Mmhmm. I'll make us a lunch, we can hike the hills, it'll be a good time." He grins and his fangs still look oddly larger than you remember. It must just be the light or maybe you just weren't this close when he smiled before. 

"But what about... y'know... werewolves?"

"I don't think you'll have to worry about that." 

You furrow your brow. "Why not?" 

Shawn leans back and take another apple from your bowl. "There haven't been any sightings in a while. Besides, it'll be the middle of the day. We'll have fun."

You sigh. He's right, you haven't heard anything about werewolves since you got to town. "Okay, alright let's do it."

"I'll meet you here on Friday?" 

"It's a date."

_____________________

"You smell incredible." 

You turn around and see Shawn standing behind you with a backpack on. He's in his usual jeans, boots and flannel but he's got on an extra olive green jacket today. It might be the most you've seen him wear in the cool weather and you're surprised. 

"I smell incredible?" 

"Mmhmm. Can I?" He leans in as you nod and lean forward for him. "New shampoo?" 

"Yes?" You giggle and give him a look. "Is it that fragrant?"

He hums. "I like it."

"I've never had someone compliment my shampoo before, thank you."

"You're welcome. Are you ready to start hiking? I brought lunch." He pats the bag on his back. "Peanut butter and jelly, beef jerky, a few granola bars, a couple apples and some chocolate."

"That's a lot of food."

"I eat a lot." He chuckles and hoists the backpack up against his back. "I'll lead the way, I've got a trail that I think you'll like."

You adjust your fanny pack and make sure your water bottle is secure in its holder on the side. "Let's get going." 

An hour into the hike and you reach a ridge that overlooks the valley below. Its all trees, golden and red as far as the eyes can see. Shawn has taken you through some really pretty areas, over a creek and now the ridge. The view is just breathtaking. 

"I don't think I ever came this far out as a kid." You say as you take in the view. It has to be several hundred feet above the valley. Not a place you'd want to misstep. Its like the forests go on forever.

Shawn takes a seat and you walk back to where he is unpacking the backpack. "I thought you'd like it up here."

"I love it. You said you go hiking a lot right?" 

"Mmhmm."

"Have you ever been down in the valley?" 

Shawn looks up at you and then back to the backpack. "Yeah, a while back."

You sink down onto the rocks and take an apple he hands you. "What's it like?" 

"Wild." He passes you a sandwich and sits back against the rocks, legs stretched out in front of him. "That whole place is untouched by humans. It's probably where the wolf pup we found came from."

"Oh. How do you think it got all the way to the orchard?" 

"No idea. It probably walked a long way since it would have had to circle lower part of the valley to get out." He shakes his head. "No, maybe it came from somewhere else." 

You tear off a piece your sandwich and pop it in your mouth. "Speaking of coming from somewhere else, how long have you lived in DeLuca Falls?" 

"About three months now."

"Ah. What brought you here? We're not really a big deal."

Shawn chuckles. "I just sort of stumbled upon it and decided to stay when I met Bibi."

"Did you stumble upon her house on a hike?" 

"Yeah, something like that." 

You toss your apple core over the ridge and tuck your sandwich bag into your pocket. "Can I ask you something?" 

"Of course." He says around a mouth full of jerky. "Fire away."

You move over so you're closer as a breeze picks up and your jacket suddenly doesn't feel like enough protection. "The other day when Grandma said she heard noises that kept her awake all night, did you investigate that?" 

"I did. I know she said don't worry about it, but of course I was going to worry."

"Did you find anything?" 

Shawn puts his arm around you and you scoot into his side. "No. Whatever it was must have just been fighting or something. Probably foxes or raccoons." 

"Oh. Well that's good." 

"What'd you think it was?" 

You bite your lip and he rubs your arm encouragingly. "I just thought, maybe because it was a full moon that night maybe..."

"Werewolves?" 

"Yeah. I've heard people talking about them before I got to town. As a kid I was always warned about them but I don't think they ever actually bothered us."

Shawn's quiet. 

"You okay?" 

"Yeah, I was just thinking. I wouldn't worry about werewolves in DeLuca Falls. It's probably just rumors because people saw regular wolves or something. I mean, we can attest to that with the pup we found." 

"Right." You chuckle and lean your head back. "It's crazy. What would anyone want with our little town anyways."

Shawn sits up and peels off his jacket. "Here, put this on."

"Why?" 

"Because you're starting to shiver and we have the whole trek back to make still." He motions for you to sit up and he kneels in front of you, putting the jacket around your shoulders. 

"Won't you be cold now?" 

"Nah, I'm always hot anyway."

You wiggle your arms into the sleeves and Shawn gets the zipper lined up for you. "I noticed that."

"You noticed I'm hot?" He smirks playfully. 

"I meant your hands are always warm, like your body temperature, but yes, you're hot too." 

Shawn pulls the zipper up and the jacket closes around all the way up to your neck. He leans in, palm going to your jaw and cradling it. "You're pretty hot too, but not temperature wise."

You bite your lip and he raises his eyebrows, as if asking permission. You give a little nod and he kisses you gently. It's just a sweet peck on the lips but it's enough to send your heart soaring. 

"Do you wanna head back?" He asks softly, still knelt in front of you. 

"Can we enjoy the view a little longer?" 

"Of course." He pushes himself up and hauls you up against him. "We can stay as long as you like." 

You turn and look out over the valley and he puts his arms around you, resting his chin on your head. 

"Is this okay?" He asks, referring to his hold on you. 

"Mmhmm. Makes me feel safe on this steep ridge." 

"Good." He squeezes you gently. "I like it too."

You close your eyes, lean your head back against him, and take a deep breath of the crisp clean autumn air. You're happy. Completely, undeniably, happy in this moment. 

_____________________

Another storm blows through DeLuca Falls. It's the third one in less than ten days. The weather has been unusual for fall but there isn't much you can do about that. You sit at your computer in your living room, staring at a blank page that's meant to be the start of the next chapter of your book. It seems you can't focus on it, and you haven't been able to since your date with Shawn. There are so many things that don't add up, and you really like Shawn, you do, but things are just strange feeling.

In the late afternoon you go to visit Grandma to see how she is fairing in the storm. That's how you find yourself in her backyard, trapped between the woodshed and an angry badger. You saw the damn thing on the hill when you walked out into the pouring rain but you didn't think anything of it until you started loading up wood. Turns out that badger has babies in the shed and you were a threat for getting a few logs. 

You hold up a long log and ready yourself to throw it at the animal. If you miss, it'll attack you. If you hit it, you might scare it off, but it might not and just make it angrier. Worst case scenario, you get attacked and get rabies. Best case, it fucks off and you run for the house.  

The badger hisses and you back into the shed completely. You're really trapped now. There is nowhere to go. You hear growling, loud over the storm and you can't imagine dealing with something else right now. To your right you see a person appear and your first thought is Grandma.

"Grandma n-" your voice is drowned out by a clap of thunder. 

The growling gets louder and the badger backs away from you, turning its attention to the person approaching from the side of the yard. The moment a flash of lightning illuminates the sky you see the figure is Shawn. 

"Are you okay?" He yells over the rain, hurrying closer. He reaches for you, hands on your face. 

"Y-yeah, I'm okay." You look over and the badger has run off back up the hill behind the house. "I guess the badger got scared."

"Thunder must have upset it." Shawn gathers you into his arms and away from the woodshed as few of the shingles slide off the roof of it. "Careful now. What're you doing out here?" 

"Grandma needs wood."

"I told her I was coming over. Didn't she say something?" 

"Yeah, but it's just wood, I can get it."

Shawn sighs and shakes his head. "You came out here with no coat, no gloves, no rain boots and no tarp to wrap the wood in and take back. Sweetheart, you're a mess."

You laugh softly. "I am pretty soaked huh?"

"You're shaking." He slides his coat off and puts it around you. "Come on, let's get inside and I'll come back out for wood."

You walk along beside him and he keeps his arm around you. "I could have gotten it."

"You would have had wet wood, splinters and a chill. Now you're probably just going to have the chill."

As soon as Shawn has you settled down in the house he grabs a folded up tarp off the back porch and heads across the yard to the woodshed. 

"He was worried about you," Grandma says from her chair near the nearly extinguished wood stove. 

"I know."

"He's protective. It's in his nature."

You peel off your wet sweater and drop it by the stove to hang dry in a bit. "I'm glad he showed up when he did. There was a badger out there and something else growling, I think it was Shawn but that's weird right? Both went away when he came up."

Grandma chuckles. "Shawn's good at that."

"Scaring stuff away?" 

"Mmm. He's intimidating to...smaller creatures."

You chuckle and shake your head. "If only they knew what a softie he is. I'm going to go change, I'll be right back." You head down the hall past the kitchen to the bedrooms. There are two, grandma's and the guest room that she stores her crafts and other hobbies and interests in. You've got a few clothes in a dresser there that you brought by a week or two ago, just in case you ended up stuck overnight for some reason. 

You change out of your soaked clinging jeans and your undershirt. Both items you hang over the end of the little twin size bed frame. There is a pair of sweatpants and a sweatshirt in the top drawer of a small chest by the closet and you take them out, debating taking off your underwear since they're wet too. 

The door behind you creaks open and you jump, spinning around in your underwear to see who's walking in. 

"Shit, sorry." Shawn mutters, covering his eyes. He's shirtless, wearing just his jeans and socks. There are few times in your life when you've been completely blown away by something so unexpected you can't begin to comprehend. This is one of those times. Shawn is fit like a swimmer. Now you knew he was strong, he was lean, but you never would have guessed he had such a trained body hiding under those sweaters and flannels and good lord you have to turn away. 

"What're you doing?" You ask, now facing the window.

"Bibi said there might be some clothes in here I could put on but I think you found them first."

You laugh. "I think I have extra but you're much taller than me." 

"I don't think sitting around in my underwear is ideal, so I will have to take what you've got." 

"I wouldn't mind." You smile, tossing him your sweatpants before going to the dresser and taking out a pair of jeans for yourself. 

Shawn grins, and shakes his head. "Flirting with me while your grandma is in the other room, eh?" 

You turn away and pull on the jeans and sweatshirt. "Maybe I am." 

"Maybe I like it." 

You look back and he's got his jeans around his ankles. You flush at his silhouetted goods in his navy blue boxer briefs. Even his legs, especially his thighs are attractive. Damn. You've got it bad if you're interested in his legs.

"Like what you see?" 

"Wha-" Your eyes snap to his and he puts his hands on his hips. "I see what?" 

He chuckles and adjusts the drawstring of the pants. The legs are a bit short and sit above his ankles. "Nothing, wanna get back to Bibi? I'm sure she might get suspicious if we're gone too long."

"Yeah, you're right." You step past him and head for the living room. "Coming?"

Shawn follows after you in his ridiculously small pants, carrying his clothes in his arm to hang near the wood stove. He's so cute. No, sexy. No...endearing. He is everything.

_____________________

The storm passes in a few hours. Bibi says her goodbyes and you and Shawn head for your car only to find it's sunk into the shoulder of the road. The rains had been so bad they washed out a chunk of the road and there was no way you could push the car up and out without getting covered in mud. The two of you decide to just walk home and come back for the car tomorrow when the ground is a bit more solid. 

Shawn takes your hand as you walk down the hill towards town. He threads his fingers with yours and you smile. 

"What're you doing the rest of the night?" 

"Probably going home and watching TV."

You bite your lip and glance over at him. "Do you wanna watch TV at my house?" 

"I'd love to. I heard there's a scare fest playing on the Syfy channel." 

"You wanna cuddle me while I get scared out of my pants?" 

Shawn drops your hand and wraps his arm around you, leaning his head onto yours. "How did you know what my plan was?" 

"Just a hunch." You give him a playful smile and he quirks an eyebrow. "Plus I know you're protective. You'll probably be the best person to watch scary movies with."

"I can guarantee I am."

____________________

At the house you and Shawn get comfortable on the couch. You grab all of your extra blankets while Shawn makes a couple mugs of tea and even brings your little carafe over to the coffee table for refills while you set up the blankets. 

Shawn positions himself in the middle of the blankets, legs stretched out across the ottoman. You stare at him, wondering where exactly you were supposed to sit with him taking up the entire area. 

"What?" Shawn asks, positioning the blankets around himself. 

"Where am I supposed to sit?" 

"Right here." He pats the space between his legs. "You wanted to cuddle right?" 

You step forward and he pulls you down onto him. You move around awkwardly until you're settled between his legs. 

He wraps his arms around you and tugs you back against his chest. You take the blankets from either side and pull them around both of you, cocooning yourself in. 

"You're really warm." You press back against him and he kisses your head. "Why are you so warm?" 

"Guess I just run hot." He says matter of factly and turns the TV on. 

You close your eyes while he searches for the Syfy channel. You're so warm you're not sure how long you'll be able to stay awake. 

______________________

An hour into a movie you can't remember the name of and you're passing out. Your eyes are crossing, the movie has become ambient noise and Shawn's arms around you are all you can focus on. 

A loud jump scare in the movie startles you and Shawn holds you tight. "Easy, I got you," he says softly, nose in your hair.  

"I was almost asleep. "

"I know. If you want to go to bed I can head home."

"No, no I'll stay up."

"You're sure? I'm not so convinced."

You yawn and he flexes his fingers over your stomach.

He chuckles. "That's what I thought. Come on, I'll walk you to bed."

"Will you stay?" 

"You want me to stay?" 

You nod. "You're really warm. I'm not ready to give you up yet." 

Shawn shifts around and gets you up on your feet before grabbing your blankets to take to your bedroom. "I guess I'm staying then. Come on sweetheart, I'll make sure you're nice and cozy."

_____________________

The sun streams in your curtains and casts bright early morning light over your bed. You slept hard, barely remembering going to bed. You roll over and the bed is empty, you feel along the sheets and they're cold. Shawn had definitely gone to bed with you last night. Did he leave for work?  

You get up and pull on a sweatshirt before making your way to the living room. Sure enough that's where you find Shawn. He's curled up with something in his hands, his huge figure some how crammed into your arm chair. You rub the sleep from your eyes and yawn. 

"Whatcha doing?" 

Shawn looks up and smiles. "Good morning."

"Morning." You walk closer to him and realize what he's reading is the rough draft of your latest novel. The one you meant to take to Bibi yesterday but forgot on the kitchen counter.  "Oh no."

"What?" 

"Give me that." 

Shawn raises his eyebrows. "What?"

You reach for the ring bound draft of papers and he pulls them close to his chest.  "Shawn, stop it. Give me my book. That is for Grandma."

"You didn't tell me you were writing a book with me in it."

"I'm not." You hold your hand out stiffly. "Give me it."

"Oh you're not huh?" He looks down and flips back a few pages from where he left off. "He has dark chocolate curls and soft hazel eyes. He towers over Anya's petite frame, giving off an air of well controlled strength and softness." 

"Shawn!"

"Should I go on? Because the part where he rescues a puppy for her is awfully familiar."

You can feel the heat of embarrassment spreading up your neck and into your cheeks. This is precisely why you never wanted him to read your manuscript. He was definitely your inspiration for Kier, the leading male love interest of Anya, a single mother who moved into a small town and caught the attention of the local doctor. 

"Stop, fine. Maybe you inspired me a little."

Shawn hands you the draft and you tuck it under your arm. "I'm honored. And for what it's worth, I love the story. What I read anyways. It's definitely realistic and romantic in a way people wish they could have but very few truly get." 

"Th-thanks." 

"Do you want to grab coffee and take the draft to Bibi? We need to get your car out of the mud anyways."

You look down at your sleep pants and sweatshirt. "Let me go get changed and we can go. Don't get into any more trouble for ten minutes okay?" 

"I make no promises." Shawn smirks and you roll your eyes. 

_____________________ 

"So, you write books." Shawn says softly as a conversation opener.

"Yeah." You smile and he grabs his coffee, stepping aside for you to move forward for yours. "I've got one published so far and I'm working on this one," you gesture to the papers in your purse "But I've got a bunch of things that I haven't submitted for publishing. I always give Grandma a copy of everything I do."

"Ah," he chuckles. "I always wondered what those stacks of papers she was reading was." 

"You didn't ask?" 

"Nope. I figured she'd tell me if she wanted me to know."

You grab your coffee and walk toward the sidewalk with Shawn. "Speaking of Grandma, how did you meet again?" 

"I told you, I came upon her house on a hike."

"And that's it?"

"It's a long story."

"Is it? Because I've got time." 

Shawn rubs the back of his neck and sighs. "You're sure?"

"Yep." You sip your coffee and raise your eyebrows. "I'm all ears and free time, the walk to Grandma's will take a few minutes." 

The two of you head for Birchwood Drive, walking at first in silence as you wait for Shawn to start talking. You aren't sure why he seems hesitant to tell you how he met Grandma. What is the big deal? Why is it such a secret?

"So," he clears his throat. "Bibi and I met on a really stormy night about three months ago."

"Okay?" 

"I was...hiking in the woods...and I was pretty messed up." He sips his coffee. "Not like wasted or something. I had been in a fight."

"Whoa what?" You stop him with a hand on his chest. "You got into a fight in the woods?" 

"Well, not these woods. I was farther out on a run." 

"You were running? On a hike?"

"Uh-huh."

You look around, trying to sort out what he's telling you. This doesn't make sense. Obviously he's still telling the story but it's a hell of a story so far. You already have so many questions. "Okay...go on."

"Well I was exhausted, barely walking back when I saw the lights from your grandma's cabin. I knew someone must be there and I needed help as soon as possible. So I made my way there and collapsed on the porch."

"And Grandma just found you there?" 

"Yeah. I scratched at the door until she opened."

"W-what?"

Shawn frowns and you take a step to the side. "Please don't be angry with me."

"What are you playing at? Do you think this is funny?" 

"I'm not playing at anything." Shawn sips his coffee and stops a few feet ahead of you. "I've been scared to tell you the truth and I've been waiting for you to ask me all the things I know you want to ask. I know you think something is weird about me."

"You're fine. Everyone is a little weird, so what? What truth are you hiding? I'm confused about your story about meeting Grandma already. Are you insane or something?"

"No, ohmygod no."

"Okay then, so you were attacked on a hike and you ran from wherever until you ended up in the woods here during a storm?"

He nods. "That's right."

"And you find my grandma's cabin and scratch at her door? Who does that? Why not just knock?" 

"Because I couldn't knock."

"Well if you have hands to scratch you could knock."

Shawn sighs. "I didn't have hands."

You just about drop your coffee because that statement is like a freight train and it sidelines you like no one's business. "W-what the hell does that mean?" 

"Do I have to spell it out for you?" 

"I mean you're spelling out that you're mentally insane pretty clearly and frankly I'm not sure I want you being around my grandma if-"

"I'm a werewolf." He scrubs a hand over his face. "I'm the one making all the noise in the woods at night. I just think you should know before we get any closer." 

Your heart stops. He's a werewolf. Him. This handsome kind man who has been helping your grandma for three months, who you have serious feelings for, is a werewolf. No. No this is a joke. He can't be. 

"You're not funny." 

"I didn't tell a joke."

"Shawn, you're not a werewolf." You laugh and step up to him on the path. "You can't be."

"And why not?" 

"Because..." You drop your voice as if there were anyone else around on the gravel road in the woods. "Werewolves are monsters." 

He looks hurt. "I'm a monster?" 

"No? That's what I'm saying. I mean you have been nothing but sweet according to Grandma and you've been like a dream come true to me."

"But I'm still a werewolf." 

"You can't be!"

Shawn growls, his facial expression turning dark and your blood runs cold. It's the same noise you heard before the badger ran off. He looks dangerous, terrifying. He bares his teeth and you can see some very prominent fangs. The ones you wrote off as a trick of the light that day at grandma's cabin. They're no trick now.

You drop your nearly empty cup. Instead of turning and running away, you punch him in the chest to make him stop growling as he steps towards you. Unfortunately you've always reacted physically to fear and it's why you're not allowed in haunted houses anymore.  

"Ow! Shit!" Shawn steps back, groaning as he rubs his chest. "You socked me!" 

"Well you were freaking me out!" You say shakily.

"I was making a point!"

"I-I need to go." You walk past him and make a bee line up the road for Grandma's house. He says something about being sorry but you don't turn back. 

_____________________

You pass your car as you head up to the cabin, wiping your eyes before you get to the porch. Somewhere before the turn to Grandma's house you started crying. You're not sure why, maybe you were just overwhelmed with everything. 

"What's wrong dear?" Grandma asks as she sits you down at the kitchen table. "You look shaken up."

"It's nothing." You take a deep breath and sigh heavily. "I was just thinking about some things on my walk."

"Where's Shawn? Wasn't he going to come help you get your car out of the mud?" 

"I think he's busy."

Grandma frowns. "Oh, well I hope you can get it out."

"I'll call a tow truck if I have to." You reach into your bag. "Anyway I brought you my rough draft of the new book."

Grandma sits down and puts her little reading glasses on. "I can't wait. This is the one about the doctor?" 

"Yes."

She makes a little squeal of excitement that makes you smile just a bit. Her approval has always been a higher compliment than a review by anyone in the business. "I'll put on some coffee and get to it."

You push up from the table and grab your bag. "I'll leave you alone. I've got some stuff to sort out at home anyways. I just wanted to drop this off and grab my car."

Grandma pulls you in for a hug from her place at the table. "Take it easy alright? Don't stress yourself too much."

"I'll try not to." You kiss her head. "I'll be by later okay?" 

"Alright dear. Have a good day." 

_____________________

The tires of your car spin in the thick mud. You've been trying for ten minutes to get the thing out, using every trick you know. You tried rocking it by putting it in reverse and then back in to drive quickly. You tried pushing it, even putting sticks and brush under the wheels to gain some traction. Everything you know isn't working. 

You lean your head on the steering wheel and let out a soft cry of frustration. You're going to have to call for a tow truck, which means you'll have to walk back down the hill to get signal. 

A knock on your window jerks you out of your pit of self wallowing and sends your pulse skyrocketing. It's Shawn. 

"Can I help?" He asks as your window rolls down. "Please?" 

You stare up at him, his eyes don't seem as soft anymore. Nothing about him seems right now you know the truth. How did you let yourself open up to him? Why did you ignore all the signs? 

"Um...are you gonna say something?"

"Y-yeah."

"Yeah?" 

"Yeah I need help." 

Shawn walks around to the front of the car and braces his arms against the front. "Put it in reverse and I'll push."

You follow Shawn's direction and after two pushes he gets your car back up onto the road. The front end is covered in mud and leaves but you can run it through the car wash sometime this week. Shawn walks up to the window and you put it down again. 

"So, earlier...I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner."

"I don't...I don't really want to talk about it right now."

He nods and leans his head on the top of the doorframe. "I understand. For what it's worth, I'm still the same person. I still care for you a lot."

"Yeah." You grip the steering wheel. "I'm gonna go home now." 

"I'll see you soon?"

"Yeah, maybe." You start rolling up the window. "Bye Shawn."

_____________________

You make it a week without seeing Shawn. It's a week from hell if you're honest with yourself. You hadn't realized just how much you enjoyed Shawn's company until you didn't have it. The lack of it is your own doing though. You've created a distance while you sort out how you feel about him. His words play on repeat in your head. How he is still the same person. Is he though? 

Sunday morning you stop by the open air market set up on Main St. to get some fresh air and do a little shopping. You're not looking for anything in particular, it's just fun to walk through the different booths and see what people are selling. 

"Mums, get your mums here!" 

You smile as you step up to a booth littered with pots of autumnal flowers and foliage. "How much for- Shawn."

Shawn steps around the back of the van carrying an arm full of pots. "Hey." 

The woman before you looks back at Shawn and smiles fondly. "I don't think he's for sale, but I'm not sure."

Shawn places the pots on the open back end of the van and dusts his hands off on his jeans. "Roxanne, can I have a minute?" 

The woman nods and goes around to the front of the van out of sight. 

"You're selling flowers?" You chuckle, running your fingers over some purple mums. 

"Yeah, I help Roxanne set up and stuff on weekends. Sometimes I help Brenda over at the honey booth."

"Oh. But, I thought you worked at the lumber company outside of town?" 

"I do, a few days a week." Shawn arranges some of the pots on the table and adds more from the back of the van. "How are you doing?" 

You smile softly, feeling almost nervous. "Fine I guess. Just...doing my thing." 

"I'm sorry, again. I know it probably doesn't matter. I am sorry though." 

"Yeah." You wrap your arms around yourself and stare at the mums before you. "I'm just working through some stuff right now." 

"I understand." 

You feel fingertips brush your hair and you look up. There's a yellow flower in your peripheral vision that Shawn has tucked behind your ear. 

"I miss you."

"Shawn."

"I do." He runs a hand over his hair and scratches at his scalp. "I can...I promise to be a hundred percent honest with you about any questions you have."

"Later. Maybe." You grab a pot and hand Shawn a ten dollar bill from your pocket. 

"Can I call you?"

"I'll call you," you say softly and turn away. You won't.

_____________________

"So, how are things with Shawn?" Grandma asks one afternoon a few days after you saw Shawn at the market. She had invited you over for lunch and since you could use a break from attempting to continue to working on your book. It's been hard since the fallout with Shawn. 

"Fine."

"He is a sweet boy. Has he told you how we met?" 

You eye her suspiciously. You haven't talked to her about Shawn yet. Obviously she knows, and she seems to know that you know now too. No doubt Shawn has talked to her about the distance you've been keeping. 

"We chatted the other day."

Grandma sits down with two mugs on the table while the kettle comes up to temp on the wood stove. "Mmm, he said he told you. He was a mess when I found him on the porch. I knew he wasn't any ordinary wolf, his eyes were too kind and pleading. I'm glad he stuck around. He's been great company and a greater help. I think his presence has also run off the pesky raccoons and possums that like to tear up the garden and eat my flowers."

"You're not afraid of Shawn?" 

"What? No, never. He has never shown a hint of bad intentions towards me or anyone. Not all werewolves are bad eggs." 

You lean back in the old wooden rocking chair and fold your hands on your stomach. "I've been avoiding him."

"Why?" 

You're quiet. Why have you been avoiding him? Because you're afraid of him? He hasn't done anything to make you feel unsafe. He hasn't done anything but tell you the truth. 

"Honey, do you think Shawn is a bad person because of what he is?" 

"No."

"Are you afraid of him?"

"I guess?"

Grandma sighs softly. "I have a secret to share with you."

"What?" You sit up and Grandma stands to get the kettle as it begins to whistle. "What is it?" 

"Peter was a werewolf." Grandma pours her mug full of tea and then yours. "I found out just before I married him. Nothing about him was different when I found out, nothing changed. He was still my best friend and the love of my life. Peter kept that secret for five years because he was afraid I would leave him."

You shake your head. "Grandpa was a werewolf? Why...why did he always warn me about playing in the woods then? Why did he make them sound like monsters?" 

"Because he knew that not all werewolves were like him. Many stay in packs away from humans and they become feral. He didn't want you to get hurt." Grandma sits down and slides your mug to you. "Peter kept DeLuca Falls safe for us until he became too old to do so."

"If Grandpa was a werewolf then... Mom is a werewolf too? Am I? Ohmygod am I a werewolf?" 

Grandma chuckles. "No sweetheart. Your mother was not born a werewolf though technically you and her both have the blood in your veins, you'll never be anything but human." 

"But if the genes skipped Mom, I should have been if she wasn't?"

"Well yes but your dad was a human. " 

"Oh, right" You sigh and stir your tea with a spoon full of honey Grandma places in it. 

"Either way the chances of any children being a werewolf was very slim."

You feel bad. You judged Shawn for something he cannot control while your family also contains the same genetics. He must know, Grandma must have told him all this at some point. You've been such an ass. "I need to apologize to Shawn."

"I'm sure he'd like that. He seemed very out of sorts when he came to tell me about how you've cut him off." Grandma leans her chin on her hand. "It's was my mistake for not telling you the truth about Peter. Shawn knew and he thought you would take the news about him better. I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner."

"It's okay Grandma. I'm not innocent either. I immediately judged Shawn without so much as giving him a chance to explain or even defend himself. I just...I chose to live in fear of nothing."

"You should go and-" Grandma stops and looks to the front door as someone knocks. 

"I'll get it." You push up out of the rocking chair and go to the door, opening it to find Shawn with his hands stuffed into his pockets. "Hey."

"Hey. I didn't see your car...I don't mean to interrupt."

"I walked." You push open the screen and step out onto the porch, closing the heavy wood door behind you. "We were just talking about you."

"Yeah?" He looks nervous. "Did she tell you?" 

"Yes." You fidget with the tails of the front of your button down shirt. "I'm so sorry." 

Shawn's posture changes dramatically. His shoulders loosen up and he seems to just melt. "It's okay."

"It's not. I was such an ass to you because I didn't understand. I...I didn't know my own Grandpa was a werewolf. I judged you because I was afraid of an idea of what I thought werewolves were." You look up at him and he reaches for your hands. "I am so sorry that I cut you off because of my own ignorance."

Shawn curls his fingers around yours. "I forgive you." He brings your hands up to kiss your knuckles. "Can I ask you to do something for me?" 

Your eyes meet his and he looks soft again. Your perception changing back to how it should be. "What is it?" 

"Let me teach you about werewolves." 

____________________

Learning about Shawn opens your eyes to the world in a whole new way. The two of you spend nearly every day for the next two weeks at your place when he gets off work. Shawn shows you his wolf form, encouraging you to touch his fur and get comfortable with his alternate form. He's still very much himself as a wolf in a way you cannot explain and you find yourself getting used to him fairly easily. 

The two of you are curled up in bed, his arm around your waist. It's been a great day. You had gone out to dinner and stopped by the market where Shawn bought you some roses. After that you went home and got cozy on the couch, then cozy in bed. 

"Did you know I have werewolf blood in me?" 

"Mmm?" Shawn shifts and presses his nose into your neck. "Could I smell it?" 

"Yeah, like is my scent different than other humans?" 

He smiles and you can hear it in his voice. "All scents are different, but no, I couldn't tell from your scent alone."

"Oh."

"You sound disappointed."

You shift against him and turn around to face him, fingers playing at the hair on his chest. "I'm not disappointed. I just wondered if that was something I should worry about, y'know, if other werewolves come to DeLuca Falls." 

"Oh, I see. You don't have to worry about that. I'll never let another wolf hurt you."

"Are there any other werewolves near here?" 

Shawn shakes his head. "No. There used to be some in the valley."

"Where it's wild?"

"Mmm." He reaches out and strokes his finger down your nose. "They made themselves scarce when I got here."

"They were scared of you?" 

"I made them scared of me. I didn't want them to come into the town and harass people, especially Bibi." Shawn looks down and you slide your hand over his cheek and run your thumb over his lower lip to see his teeth. "What're you doin'?"

"Looking at your fangs." 

"Yeah?" He curls his lip up for you.

You press your thumb into the tip of his fang and then lean in and kiss him gently. "I love them."

He smiles into the kiss. "Funny, just a few weeks ago you were punching me because of them."

"Mmm, I was wrong." 

Shawn rolls you under him and he kisses you slowly, licking your lower lip before taking it between his teeth. "You like when I bite you?" 

"Mmhmm." 

He kisses across your jaw and down your neck. He gives you a playful bite and you squeak, hand going to his hair. "What? Thought you liked this."

"I do, you just startled me."

Shawn rolls his hips down against you as he bites again. "I know you like it, I wonder if you'd like my bites elsewhere."

"Sh-shawn."

He chuckles into your flushed warm skin and begins kissing his way down your chest to show you just how many ways and places you like to be bitten. 

____________________

Six months later 

"Thank you for coming!" You wave as a fan steps away to go meet with her friends. Just a month ago you released your second book, Heartstrings, after undergoing a few changes to the story. You're now at your first ever signing at the bookstore in the city of Green Port outside of DeLuca Falls. 

Shawn's arms encircle you from behind and you lean your head against his shoulder. He's warm, cuddly and safe in the crowded bookstore. He places a kiss on your temple. "How is it going darling?"

"Great." You cover his hands on your stomach. "I never imagined I'd get to have a signing like this."

"People loved your first book. It was wonderful."

"Oh shush."

"It was." He kisses your cheek. "I'm very proud of you. You're an incredible writer." 

"Stoppp. You're being mushy." You giggle and he squeezes you tight. "But thank you."

"Of course." 

A young woman about your age walks up to you and Shawn and he breaks away, giving you space, but not going too far. "H-hey," the young woman smiles nervously. 

"Hello. What's your name?" 

"Amelia. It's so nice to meet you."

You take her hand and she is trembling. "Did you have a question? Or did you just want to chat?" You ask warmly. 

"I have a question. If I can?"

"Mmhmm. Fire away, I love questions."

Amelia looks to your right where Shawn is talking to your agent. "Is that your boyfriend?" 

"Shawn?" You point him out and she nods. "Yes."

Shawn steps closer, wrapping an arm around your back and leaning his head on yours. "You called?" 

"I didn't mean to." You smile, knowing he only heard you in the packed store because of his enhanced senses. "Amelia was just asking if you are my boyfriend."

"Yes, I am." Shawn grins, showing off his fangs no doubt. You elbow him a bit and he smiles with his lips closed. He's been terrible about hiding his true nature lately, too comfortable around you no matter where you were. 

Amelia flushes bright red. "He...I couldn't help but notice...he is very much like Kier in Heartstrings. Is that a coincidence or..."

You smile and laugh softly. "No coincidence. Kier was definitely heavily inspired by Shawn. I guess he's sort of my muse when it came to finishing the book." 

"That's amazing." Amelia sighs softly. "You're so lucky if he is anything like Keir in the story."

"Just like him," Shawn purrs, pressing a kiss to your head that makes Amelia giggle and you roll your eyes. "I don't mean to rush you, but the signing starts in a few minutes."

"Oh! Yes, excuse me. I'm so sorry Amelia." You take her hand once more and she says no problem and thanks you for talking with her. 

Minutes later and the signing is in full swing. There is a line around the store of people waiting to have your name on their book. It's so fun, getting to thank everyone and hear their stories and theories about Heartstrings and your first book. Close to the end you see Shawn milling around in line about ten people back. He looks like he's actually waiting for his turn. 

Finally Shawn approaches the table and you give him a playful smile. "How can I help you?" 

"Sign my book?" He says, placing a copy of Heartstrings on the table. 

"Is that all?" 

"Hmm, maybe." 

You raise your eyebrows and lift your sharpie to sign the front cover. 

"Wait!" Shawn says and you pause. He leans down and kneels in front of the table so he's eye to eye with you. "Can you sign the inside cover?" 

"Sure?" You eye him suspiciously and lift the cover. When you look down to sign you're met with a ring embedded in black cushion that is set into the book that has been hollowed out in the center. 

"One more thing," Shawn says and you look at him.

There is a loud gasp and a myriad of awes and chatter as the fans behind Shawn share what they've just witnessed. You feel like your heart is going to explode. Shawn takes the ring from the book and holds it delicately between his fingers. 

"Will you marry me?" He asks with a smile so big he can't begin to hide his fangs. 

You cover your mouth as you let out a soft sob of happiness. "Yes! Yes, a thousand times yes!" 

Shawn slips the ring over your finger and walks around the table to hug you tight. "I'm so proud of you and I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you," he says softly into your hair, kissing your head between words. "I love you." 

You grip his back and press your face into his warm chest, smiling uncontrollably while feeling like a weight you didn't know you were enduring has been lifted. "I love you too."

End

---------------------

Thank you so much for reading. Please reblog to support so others can discover and read my stories as well. Thank you for your support, I can’t wait to write more stories! -A

*****Note: none of my works should be posted anywhere outside of my linked accounts. I do not give permission to repost with or without credit to my accounts. Please notify me of any reposted fics.*****

#stories #werewolf au

[sarah-blue-eyes]

2020 In Review

Hoo boy, here we go.

[Ok just before I begin. I had this queued to post in the first month of January but it doesn’t seem like that ever happened haha. Better late than never I suppose!]

So I am a nostalgic bitch, and since 2011, have loved to make memory boxes for each year, where I put trinkets and memories into a shoebox. This year I have continued that tradition, but I have also kept track of my happy memories throughout 2020 in my planner. This was done with the intention for me to upload a year-in-review sort of thing in hopes that maybe like, 3 people max on this god-forsaken site will read it. This sort of reminiscence was inspired by my friend @a-lbeit​, who has done these for a few years now and me, as a slut for nostalgia, was encouraged to do the same back in January (I think? What even is my memory at this point?)

2020, as it has been for many, was a very shit year, and I am no different. I would safely say that this year has undeniably been the worst I have lived through. But I am here. I am present. And I have made it through some of the darkest times to face 2021 with a new sense of hopefulness. Keeping track of my happier memories has been something that has truly got me through this clusterfuck of a year, so I am glad that I can finally go through them all again and share them with you.

Read it, or don’t, I don’t give a shit what you do with your time, but if you do, I hope that you aren’t bored to tears. And I hope to keep myself accountable to continue to do this for years to come.

Buckle up, grab a hot drink and a snack and get comfy, because this is a JOURNEY.

January:

· Kicked the new year off with hosting a 1920’s themed party with some of my closest friends at my family home at the beach. Had fun with drunk SingStar, playing What Do You Meme, creating a playlist with everyone’s top 3 songs of the decade (it was a bangin’ playlist I must say), and just overall drinking too much and having a riotous time

· I remember going to the beach New Year’s Day (as is tradition in Australia) and playing ultimate frisbee in the shallows and completing a crossword puzzle on the sand (I am a 75-year-old woman, it is just a fact of life)

· I also had my friend Kirsten from South Australia stay with me for the New Year’s period and it was lovely to have a guest over! I haven’t spoken to her much this year, she sort of fell off the face of the planet, but I hope she is doing ok.

· Went town to Torquay (a beach town in Victoria) for the 6th time for Beach Mission, which is essentially a holiday program for kids in preschool-year 9 where we run activities for them. It’s a Christian-based program but the aim isn’t to convert the kids or anything like that, it’s more to show God’s love to them through our actions and how we as Christians live our lives. It’s also a convenient way for parents to dish their kids off for a few hours too haha. This was my final year of being a part of this program, and I am so pleased to have made so many memories and (hopefully) impacted many children’s lives during my time there

· I remember going on a late-night beach walk with my boyfriend Josh, talking about what the year had in store for us. We were just sitting on the beach, as you do, and I saw a shooting star. I can’t remember what I wished for (if anything) but in that moment, life was a dream.

· The week after beach mission I started at my new internship! It was for a place called KidsCo, who run school holiday programs at workplaces, so parents don’t need to take time off work to look after them. I helped with client relations and a lot of behind-the scenes stuff. I really loved it there

· On the very first day of my internship I remember there was torrential rain, and the train home was delayed by like, an hour or so lol

· One of the best parts about interning at KidsCo was that they were the official child-minding service for the Australian Open. I make an effort to go each year, but I was lucky enough to get free ground-entry for me and a guest for the duration of the event. I went quite a few times and got to take my mum and Josh along as well.

· Saw my only concert of the year, The Veronicas, at the Australian Open. When I say the moment the violin riff at the start of Untouched absolutely went the fuck off is an understatement. Grade 5 me would have cried (and 23 year old me did a little bit too tbh.) Yet another of one of my “all-time-favourite-songs” that I’ve had the pleasure of hearing live. (I also went through the year feeling sad that this was the first time in 11 years I hadn’t gone to a concert, but this one certainly fell through the cracks)

· Started planning my trip to the UK to see my twin sister, and best friend, Jess

· Went away to Rye for the Australia Day weekend #changethedate. An excellent time with excellent mates, and went to the beach pretty much every day and got mindlessly sloshed every night

· Listened to the Triple J Hottest 100. I think 4 of my picks made it in, which was pretty good

· Continued my job as the office manager/events coordinator at my church

February:

Basketball started back after the summer break for my two different teams, The Vikings and The Wildcats (honestly such a highlight of this year with how the rest of it ended up going)

As a team-bonding activity at KidsCo we hired a boat for a few hours and I got more drunk that I had been for a while. It was a very fun time jetting down the Yarra, waving drunkedly at the people jogging by

For Valentine’s day Josh and I had an indoor picnic with our favourite food! The weather was shit for Feb, hence the indoor nature of the picnic

Saw Shrek the Musical with two of my closest pals, Bec and Katie (I honestly forgot that this happened in 2020 hahaha) but it was ICONIC

Had a Jackbox night with The Boys

Had my cousin Amy from England over for dinner! I hadn’t seen her in 5 or 6 years, so it was so lovely to connect again like no time had passed at all

Went to Healesville Sanctuary, a lovely conservation park which focuses on preserving and educating its visitors about Australian animals, with Amy

 Went to mini-golf for a friend’s birthday on the leap day. He technically celebrated his 6th birthday which was excellent

Saw Cody Ko and Noel Miller live with Bec and Katie

Finished working at the church office to make room for the potential job opportunity at KidsCo

March:

Ahhh March, you shitstorm of a month. This is where everything started going downhill.

The first thing of note that happened this month was me injuring my ankle at basketball, which had me out of action for a few weeks. It was especially bad because I was nearing the end of my internship and was hoping to do my best work so that I would be chosen to stay on as an employee, but had to take a week or so off to rest my ankle. My ankle would continue to be tender and sore for most of the rest of the year

Went away for the Labour Day long weekend with the family

Finished up my internship at KidsCo. Honestly was lead to believe that I would be staying on as an employee and felt sort of betrayed after all the work I did for them, but whatever

 Had a party at Bec’s house to listen to Triple J’s Hottest 100 of the Decade. One of my favourite songs was number 1 which was a pleasant surprise

Went down to the holiday house for a few days just to have so me time and sort myself out

Animal Crossing New Horizons came out haha. Honestly was one of the highlights of this year though. I stayed up until midnight so I could download it as soon as it was available because that’s the sort of person I am  

Mum’s birthday dinner with Dani, one of my best friends, and her girlfriend Amy

Went for a hike at Sugarloaf Reservoir with Josh and got spooked by a mob of kangaroos

April:

My mental health started really taking a downward spiral this month for multiple reasons which I won’t get into here, but this is more a note to my past self to say that it will all be ok I guess? Idk I just felt like this needed to be here

Did my ankle badly again on Good Friday

Watched the Overwatch League live with my friends and just memed in the livechat lmao

WARNING - this is a bit TMI but I am going to share anyway since it was a big part of this year, and if you are reading this you are either a stranger or a good friend so I really don’t care lmao: This month I also started to get bad pains in my uterus, like, not period pains but deep, stabbing pains. This continued on for the next few weeks without me doing anything about it, except for increasingly getting stressed about it, although I will talk a bit more about this later.

Josh and I celebrated our 6th year together which was ~wholesome~

Called my friend Ashley from the US and just caught up. It was nice to see her face again. She is a good egg. I haven’t talked to her since but I really hope she’s ok.

May:

Watched Star Wars with Josh and his family for “May the 4th”

Started a volunteer job at Kivuli, a non-for-prophet that is based in Kenya, and started helping out with their website and social media stuff

Zoom movie time with my friends, we watched How To Train Your Dragon I think? Athough everyone was talking over the movie so I didn’t really get anything out of it

Played Scattergories (one of my favourite games) with Bec and Jess on zoom and just wrote really stupid and funny answers and I remember this being just what I needed

Went for a long walk with mum and one of her friends and her daughter on a track we don’t usually go on, which was a nice change of scenery

Went down to the holiday house for the first time in forever since restrictions were eased, at least for a little while lol, with the fam

Went to Portsea for a walk along the beach with Bec and her husband Trevor

Did an online trivia night that night with a big bunch of friends

Had a doctor’s appointment to see what was goin’ on down there. Honestly freaked that it could be something REALLY bad. Got booked in to have an ultrasound the next week, so at least I’d be finding out what was wrong soon.

The day after I got my results was the 21st of May, the day my mum and I were meant to be flying out to the UK to see my sister and her boyfriend. It was already hard enough a month or so before when I had to cancel my flight, but this day was so SO difficult. I can’t remember the last time I cried so hard. I am so blessed to have a boyfriend like Josh though. He was by my side the whole day, and held me as I cried. Oh man I am crying as I write this now, it was such a hard time but I know I will see my sister again.

And then the day after THAT whole ordeal was my birthday, which was meant to be spent in London with Jess but it turned out to be the first birthday we’ve had apart. This day was also hard, but made better by being with loved ones and having dinner at my grandma and grandpa’s house. Grandma’s roast potatoes make everything better.

Went to Geelong to see the other side of my family, it was so good to see my nan again. I love her very much.

Went to the Briars with Bec and went on a lovely nature walk and saw a lot of little wallabies and even an emu

Had an ultrasound and my pain turned out to be a 10cm wide cyst!!! So fun!!!!! Thank the heavens it wasn’t a child. I was so relieved. It is still in my body so that’s cute tho.

June:

Applied for a bunch of jobs, and even got a few interviews! Still no job.

The absolute highlight of this month, and maybe even the whole year, was going away to Lake’s Entrance and Yarram with mum, dad and Josh. It was so good to go to the country, I love country towns so much and the wildlife and nature is so beautiful in the eastern part of Victoria. If you ever get the opportunity I recommend going there!

We ate so much nice food and just relaxed. It wasn’t a perfect replacement for not going to Europe, but it was something at least.

Did more work for Kivuli which kept me busy

Went to Bec’s house to bake a cake. She came out to me as bi this day too, and the cake was coloured like the bisexual flag!

Started a short course through the university I went to in Facebook for Business. It was a great way to build up my skills.

Played Animal Crossing with Dani’s little sister, Tami, a very wholesome time

Looked after Josh’s dog Jed while his family went away for the weekend (also went into the start of July) and was honestly the greatest time

July:

Halfway through the year. Thank fuck.

Had another job interview

Went on lots of walks

Was just generally cold

Did a lot of cleaning

Painted the downstairs rooms at church, which took a few days and a lot of back pain, but it’s cool to think that I was able to contribute my energy and time to something while I was not feeling good at all

The restrictions were tightened again, meaning that I couldn’t go further than 5kms away from my house, except to see Josh, so this was a really lonely time for me.

Really got into Masterchef with mum this season. They had all returning contestants from other seasons so that was really fun to watch.

Got and assembled a new couch upstairs that I can say I actually own myself. I absolutely love it.

More walks, despite the cold

This was a very uneventful month, but that’s ok!

August:

Had a call with the hospital I’ll be having my cyst surgery with. It was good to know that things would be started. I had to have a blood test and a second ultrasound then put on the waiting list for surgery. Still no sign on when that will be happening though 6 months later. Just so lucky to live in Australia where all of these appointments are free.

Went for a really nice long walk with Josh. Got shat on by a bird.

Did lots of stuff around the house, just tidying and watering the plants and sorting through my wardrobe to purge all the clothes I grew out of

Had an online Switch games night with some friends which was fun. We played Smash Bros. and Mario Kart and just had a great time!

Ok this sounds super lame but my favourite podcast, The Jenna & Julien Podcast, finished forever which came as a surprise and was just really sad. I really hope it comes back one day.

Did my tax return lmao

Baked rice puff/marshmallow bar things

Made an ASOS order to fill my happiness with material things. Did get some cute clothes and lingerie tho 😉

More games with Bec and Jess, we played Golf With Your Friends this time

Had a cocktail night with Josh, where we just made a bunch of fun cocktails and got drunk. I can’t wait to live with him so we can do this all the time.

Lots of Kivuli work, as we are planning for our 10th anniversary fundraising event

September:

Baked cookies, which was something I did a lot at the start of lockdown but sort of drifted away from. I absolutely love to bake.

Started working for Media-Wize, a small PR company that was started by someone I know at church.

Started playing Among Us at the start of the month

So many Among Us nights omg, just call me queen impostor please

Did my induction for Media-Wize

Got  n e r v o u s  because I kept getting things wrong in my new job. I always seem to fuck up the good things and opportunities that I get

Did a livestream reading of The Great Gatsby on my friend’s Twitch stream. It was really fun and something I had never done before. I voiced Tom Buchannan, which was interesting but cool to sort of get into the character. I hope to do something like this soon.

I burnt my hair while cooking dinner and had to give myself a haircut lmao. It was the first time since 2018 that I had cut it so it was a long time coming anyway.

So much Media-Wize work. It felt good to finally be getting paid to do a job

Got locked out of my bathroom so I had to climb up the laundry chute to unlock it from the inside, all because a fly outsmarted me (it’s a long story… and honestly best told by speaking it)

October:

Had the Kivuli 10th anniversary livestream. Lots of work went into it and it was so much fun! It’s incredible that a non-for-profit that has benefitted so many children and families is still going strong. Such a blessing to see.

Dad’s birthday, and we had a picnic with grandma and grandpa and saw them for the first time since lockdown was somewhat lifted

Walked to Beasley’s nursery with Josh and got a coffee. This was the first proper, not McCafe coffee I had had in months and it was SO good

Played Animal Crossing with Dani

More Among Us, a theme for the last few months of 2020

Watched the AFL Grand Final. Wasn’t super exciting this year tbh, especially since we couldn’t have a BBQ or party or anything, but hopefully next year will be different

Nearly moved out of home with a friend of a friend, but since I didn’t have a job, didn’t think it would be a wise decision. Would’ve been nice though

Did some more Media-Wize work. I haven’t been given anything to do since this time though, so I don’t know what’s going on with that? They really be ghosting me tho.

Applied for JobSeeker so I would at least be getting a little income

New Jackbox came out, and had a games night with The Boys playing all the new games

Voted in the local election

Went to Westerfold’s Park with Josh for a lovely long walk

Played lots of The Sims 4 (but tbh I have been doing this all year)

November:

This month things sort of started to turn around, as Covid wasn’t hitting my state hardly at all, so I was actually able to see family and friends again!

Went to my old primary school with Dani and played basketball and just shot around and talked. She also came over for dinner. It was so nice, and she is a true friend.

Had a picnic at the park at the top of the street with my dad’s side of the family, all together at last

Melbourne Cup Day, not that I really care but it’s nice to get a day off. Went on a day trip to the Dandenong mountain range. It was so, so nice and bought some lovely little things from local shops, went for a bushwalk and had a bakery lunch

Went to the park to throw the frisbee and kick the footy around with Josh and his friends, although they are my friends too tbh

Had a picnic with a group of friends that I hadn’t seen since January, so it was so, so good to catch up with them and have a delicious BBQ dinner

My favourite online comedy group, Aunty Donna’s Netflix series came out! Had a virtual watch party with a few friends and binge watched it all in one go

Had lunch with grandma. This used to be a weekly occurrence but for obvious reasons was put off for this year. I absolutely adore her and every lunch we spend together is so precious to me

Went to Kyneton with some of the family as another day trip

Christmas shopping time again. So weird to be at the shops and feel sort of normal? I went 4 different times in the span of a week and a half haha

Josh’s birthday! We went to this maze place with has a bunch of big mazes and other fun activities. It was such a perfect day. Then we had dinner with his family.

Got a letter from the IRS saying that I needed to provide them with proof of identity, so that was fun trying to sort that out. We love the outdated US tax system <3

Went to a bridal shower for my friend Katie

Went for another hike with Josh to the mountains

Drove down to Geelong for a friend’s wedding and stayed at my nan’s house

Had a pub dinner and Jackbox night while down in Geelong with The Boys

A good friend of mine was leaving to live in Japan for two years, so I went to her house one last time to say goodbye and chill in her pool and just hang out

God why is it so hard to get a job?

December:

Omg we have made it to December. It truly is a miracle with how this year went tbh. And if you have read this far, thank you but also, how little of a life do you have?

Went to my friend Katie’s wedding. Sort of surreal to go to a wedding during a pandemic but it was fun and I got to see a lot of friends I hadn’t seen in a while

Enjoyed the hot weather and went to the beach a number of times with a variety of friends

Went Christmas shopping, and just shopping in general since it was safe to and shops had finally opened again

Got a job at a talent agency where you get gigs as a paid extra in TV shows and movies, which was pretty cool! I even had a professional photoshoot to get headshots done, something that I had never done before. Glad that I could get some pictures to use on LinkedIn though haha. Still haven’t been cast in anything but here’s hoping.

Had dinner and drinks with Josh, Bec and Trev in the city for the first time since it reopened. God I love Melbourne so much. It is just so magical on balmy summer nights. This was such a special evening, and was so good just to be in the city again

Had a lovely day with Dani, starting with breakfast and then going on a hike before the weather got too hot. We went to Sherbrooke Forest, a place I hadn’t been before, and it was incredibly beautiful

Had a number of job interviews this month too, none of which got back to me which was annoying :/

Now it was heading into the time where every weekend is packed with Christmas do’s so I’ll just collate them in this point. Lots of drinks were consumed and many delicious roast dinners

Had our annual Christmas Carol’s service at church. It was a blessing to be back in the building for the first time since March, and to be able to do something I love (singing) with some of my best friends was the best

Christmas eve I went to my grandma and grandpa’s house (on dad’s side) to help them set up for Christmas lunch. Spending time together just the three of us is so special, and I am so glad I was able to come over and just chat and be in their loving presence. Then that night I went to our 11pm church service to bring in Christmas day. It was a great service and was great to see our kick-ass minister give a sermon face-to-face.

Ok here we go, Christmas was a doozy, let’s go. So Christmas lunch was, as I said, with my dad’s side of the family, which is always a great time. Cracking open crackers and fighting over who’ll get the bottle opener or nail clippers is always a highlight haha. But we had the fucking best roast potatoes I swear. I need to know what my grandma puts into them because I could genuinely eat 20 of them and still have space. Then the rest of the afternoon was spent in a food coma until I went to Josh’s house to spend dinner with his family. Another delicious meal and great banter was what I needed, although I can safely say that I put on at least 5 additional kilos after that day.

The next day the fam and I headed to Geelong to see my mum’s side of the family. Was a great drive down and I listened to all of The Avalanches new album which had just released. Easily the greatest album of the yeah hands-down. So we spent lunch there and absolutely stuffed ourselves with more food. Three Christmas meals really took a toll on me, but I am just blessed as it is to have a loving family and food on the table.

The next day dad, Josh and I headed to the beach to spend that weird time between Christmas and New Year’s. To get there we took the ferry that goes from Queenscliff to Portsea, which is always a fun time, since we don’t often go from one side of the bay to the other (if you don’t know the geography of Victoria I apologise lmao). Mum didn’t come with us as she had some symptoms of Covid, so went home to isolate and get tested. Thankfully she tested negative and she joined us the next day.

Once I got back home I had to prepare the house for my friend Jono who was visiting for new years from SA. Many last-minute chores and cleaning was done haha.

New Years Eve! Went to pick up Jono and my other friend Sarah from the airport and dropped Sarah off at her accommodation and ended up staying there with Jono for a while as this was where the New Year’s party was going to be. Although, in true Victorian fashion, our premier announced that there was going to be a limit of 15 visitors at any house from 5pm that night. Excellent. We love a last-minute change of plans. So we had lunch and spent the afternoon at my friend’s house before heading to a local park to chuck the frisbee and kick the footy around. We also had our second annual NYE trivia competition, which my team lost by 1 point!! Dang I get so competitive, but we will win next year, I can feel it. The new year came through uneventfully, we were in the middle of a game of Scattergories or something like that when someone changed the channel on the TV to see the Sydney fireworks across the screen and like, 4 second left of the countdown. I gave Josh a bog ol’ smooch and gave my friends a big hug. We had done it. 2020 was defeated.

Conclusion (damn this really be an essay tho)

This year was undeniably the hardest year I had ever been through. Going through unemployment for the majority of the year and having no sense of purpose hit me hard but I am entering 2021 with the hope and willingness to get on track with my career. And I think I will be successful. A lot of truly awful things happened around the world this year as well, with the devastating bushfires at the start of the year, the powerful BLM protests, Coronavirus absolutely destroying lives and many, many other global events but through it all, here we are. I hope you all keep well this year and that your 2021 is infinitely better than your 2020.

Song of the Year: Tangerine – Glass Animals

Album of the Year: We Will Always Love You – The Avalanches (I CANNOT stress this enough, but you absolutely must listen to this album!)

TV Show of the Year: The Mandalorian - Season 2

Movie of the Year: Bombshell (the only movie I saw at the cinemas so didn’t have much to go with)

Memory of the Year: Going away with my family and just enjoying time away with each other

Thank you for reading this, if you’ve made it this far, you’re a real one <3

#me #2020 #2020inreview #nostalgia #anactualnovel #iapologise

[theradioghost]

So I’ve realized recently that I actually really really like podcasts when my audio processing isn’t acting up (thanks tma!) and was wondering what recs you have for completed podcasts. I’m cool with basically any genre and theme, though I would appreciate a warning for tragedy. Thanks for your time!

Of course! I’ll put this one under a cut just so the length is a bit less ridiculous.

Some of my favorite completed shows are

Wolf 359 – a scifi comedy about four squabbling coworkers on a malfunctioning, isolated space station which then takes a hard right into a spectacular, heartwrenching drama. Not a tragedy, but many tears are shed when listening. Probably one of the best podcasts out there tbqh.

Ars Paradoxica – a modern physicist accidentally invents time travel, landing her back at the start of the Cold War and changing the course of history forever. The creators literally described it as “a tragedy” and they weren’t lying, although the finale is sort of hopefully bittersweet.

The Hidden Almanac – a grouchy professor in a plague doctor mask offers bite-sized pieces of history and hagiography from his fantastical world as well as gardening advice, occasionally interrupted and/or dragged off on unwilling shenanigans by his tequila-loving accidental necromancer best friend coworker. Fantasy writer/artist Ursula Vernon and her husband put this 4-minute show out three times a week for SEVEN YEARS, and it’s funny and cozy and poetic and can be found in full here, as there are too many episodes for most podcatchers to display.

Alice Isn’t Dead – lesbian Americana road-trip horror. A cross-country trucker searches for her missing wife while monsters and conspiracies pursue her across the vast empty and abandoned spaces of America. Actually also exists in novel form.

The Bright Sessions – records from the office of Dr. Bright, a therapist who specializes in people with strange and secret abilities. However, her patients aren’t the only ones with secrets. Personally this show never completely absorbed me like some others did, but the character writing is genuinely amazing. The story obviously also deals a lot with mental illness and some other difficult topics and content.

Our Fair City – the eight-season saga of the inhabitants of a post-apocalyptic underground city ruled over by the remnants of an insurance company, featuring mole people, lightning-harvesting sky sailors, giant ants, and a found family of mad scientists among others. Part comedy, part drama, all anticapitalist satire. You kind of have to give it a couple of seasons to find its stride (this was one of the very first shows in the podcast-based audio drama revival) but it is absolutely worth it. Disclaimer that while I am on the final season of the show I have not quite finished it yet.

Jarnsaxa Rising – a unique scifi-fantasy hybrid, in which a vengeful Norse giantess escapes imprisonment with the goal of destroying the gods and bringing about Ragnarok, only to find herself in a post-climate-change dystopian future.

Glasgow Ghost Stories – a Scottish woman begins noticing the many ghosts inhabiting the streets of her city; but the ghosts have begun to notice her too, and not all of them are friendly. Pigeons are involved.

Big Data – an odd little heist comedy about a rogue journalist investigating a spectacular crime in which the “seven keys to the internet” are stolen, leading to a story about hacking in which no actual hacking is involved. There are two fun side notes to it: one, everything that happens in it could technically happen in real life. Two, it involves an absurd amount of cameos from other well-known podcasts (and also Taika Waititi?), which you don’t need to get to follow the story but which make it kind of hilarious on a whole other level when you listen to those shows.

I Am In Eskew – a surreal, intense, disturbingly poetic horror about a man trapped in a shifting, malevolent, impossible city, and a woman on the outside trying to find him. Extremely good but I do recommend thoroughly checking the trigger warnings on this one. (Surprisingly non-tragic finale, although not a typical “happy ending.”)

The Alexandria Archives – half comedy and half horror, in the form of a late-night radio show at Alexandria University, on the edge of North Carolina’s Great Dismal Swamp. Half of each episode is a standalone cosmic horror story set in and around the town of Alexandria. The other half features the antics of the university’s students, including the host MW and her friends who are definitely Canadian exchange students, and not a vampire hiding from his ex and a bunch of stranded space pirates. (A little goofy? Yes, but I love it a ton for all its faults anyway. Also, some of the short stories are genuinely terrifying.)

and also, some completed miniseries!!

The Tower – a gorgeous experimental audio drama in which a young woman decides to climb the mysterious Tower, from which no one ever returns.

Time:Bombs – a comedy by the folks who made Wolf 359 about a bomb disposal squad on New Year’s Eve, trying to survive their leader’s obsession with breaking a record.

They Say a Lot of Things – upon discovering that she can interact with a dropped tape recorder, the ghost of a young girl tells her story, interwoven with the stories of those who have passed through the abandoned house that she cannot leave over the years that she’s haunted it.

Podcaster A. R. Olivieri specializes in microfiction miniseries, ranging from scifi to experimental to fantasy. (Side note, a lot of his work crosses over with the still-running scifi podcast Girl In Space, but you don’t need to have listened to GIS to understand what’s going on in his shows.)

Nym’s Nebulous Notions – a self-declared investigative journalist decides to check out a mysterious SOS signal and finds herself on a mysteriously abandoned ship – or so she thinks. Arguably a tragedy, although not necessarily in the way you might think.

Palimpsest – technically not finished, but each season of this anthology makes up a complete 10-part story, and seasons 1 and 2 are complete. Season 1 is a ghost story about a woman who is suspicious about strange happenings in her new home and her odd new neighbors. Season 2 is a turn-of-the-century dark urban fantasy about a girl who escapes her career criminal mother’s house, taking a job as the companion to what her new employer claims is an imprisoned faerie princess. (Season 3 is ongoing and is about a codebreaker who begins seeing ghosts on London’s streets during the Blitz.) It’s a heartbreaking sort of show, albeit in a very beautiful and moving way.

The Details is a short piece about an office worker who goes in to negotiate for a promotion and finds himself negotiating with the devil himself instead. The number of genuinely surprising and excellent twists it packs into just 45 minutes is really fun.

The London Necropolis Railway – a really underappreciated little fantasy-mystery about a recently-dead detective who refuses to board the train scheduled to take her to the afterlife until one of its hapless employees helps her solve her supernatural murder.

Janus Descending – a scifi horror told in two intertwining perspectives, one in reverse order and one in chronological order, about two scientists who land on a remote planet to investigate the ruins of its lost civilization, only to encounter the thing that killed the former inhabitants. A fantastic story told in a really clever and unique way, but stamp a big old tragedy warning all OVER this one, although because of the structure you technically know how it’s going to end right from the start – what makes this show so good is how you get there. It will make you cry, though.

… and also my show, Midnight Radio, which is about lesbian romance, small towns, old radio shows, the good and bad sides of nostalgia, and ghost stories.

#Anonymous #asks #my posts #podcast recs #bobbie recommends things

[bluebellhairpin]

Something’s Not Right

Bruce Wayne/Batman X Batmom!Reader 

A/N: Oh dear, here comes the angst. (This is like 6+ pages on my google docs. Ha Ha ha oops) - Nemo

Warning(s): Blood, kidnapping, almost character death, mentions of miscarriage and infertility, not necessarily in that order. This could be distressing, so don’t read this if you think it could upset you. 

Summary: Ever since Batman’s third Robin, you’ve been know as the Batmom to Batman’s mask. But events lead you to break with not knowing what to do, and the only comfort you find is Alfred, who then tells you of something you never knew. With your newfound information, you set to work saving your family.

Listening to: “Something's Not Right” by Lily Allen 

Series Masterlist 

Masterlist 

You first met Batman when you were robbing a bank. 

In your defense, you were a little inexperienced, and he only knew you were there because he saw a shadow pass inside through a window. 

After that you kept running into each other, and ended up becoming each others first vigilante partners. 

You know, before he had a million Robin’s. 

You even came to know who was under the mask. Bruce Wayne the billionaire. 

When he brought home the first soon-to-be Robin, Dick Grayson, you were raiding his fridge in the Manor’s kitchen, having made yourself at home over the last few years. You looked at Bruce like he was crazy, he told you he’d explain later and you sure as hell made sure he did. 

You offered Dick some of the cereal you’d raided, and he accepted with a mumble and small smile. From speaking to Bruce later, that boy had been through a lot. 

You only hoped that Bruce wouldn’t push him too hard. 

We had forever We never got it together

Jason Todd joined a few years later, having been found by both you and Bruce trying to steal hubcaps. When Bruce brought him inside after the to had talked, you got the horrible feeling that Jason would become a Robin too. 

Your worries were confirmed when you caught Bruce and Jason sparring in the cave. You caught Bruce’s eye, and he froze. You shook your head at him and he knew he had more explaining to do.

After that, you become monitor of the computer. With Jason as the new Robin, and Dick starting to spread his wings off as Nightwing, you didn’t desperately need to be out fighting anymore. Someone needed to stay home, and with your relationship with Bruce becoming something more than friends, he felt better when you weren’t in danger. 

When he brought that up, you never once failed to play the card of “What about Dick and Jason?” 

Despite Dick being Nightwing and not living permanently at home, or Jason not really wanting to be in the Cave when he could have the house all to himself aside from Alfred, they always managed to be in the staircase of the cave when your voices started to raise in the same heated discussion. They knew it wasn’t anything to worry about.

You were protective, viewing them as the sons you could never have, and Bruce was too careless for his own good. 

But really what they stayed for was what happened after the yelling, the telling off, and the arguing. You always made up after, with softer words, a hug and a kiss. They’d never seen anyone else do that after a fight.

I waited for you For you I made it better

Jason's death hit you all hard, but Bruce didn’t get over it. 

Then, a couple years after Jason died, Bruce came home with another boy donned in Jason’s old Robin suit. He introduced himself as Tim Drake. He said he knew who you were, and you told him ‘Who doesn’t know (y/n) Wayne?’. Then he said he knew who you really were. 

'Valentine' was a name previously not spoken directly to you in over half a decade, and this thirteen-year-old seemed to know more about you than you thought possible. 

The next few years went on with their own struggles. Bruce got used to having a Robin again. Tim dealt with troubles and struggles in the form of his real parents. You got over the fact Tim was wearing Jason’s costume once he got his own. And Tim became a permanent residence of the manor. 

With Bruce and Dick protecting the city, Tim as Robin, and Alfred wanting to keep monitor duty with Tim, you gave up the vigilante life for good. 

Nowadays you only ever went to the cave to deal with injuries, last-resort monitor duty, and scolding Bruce or Tim for staying up too late. 

The one thing that didn’t seem to change was Alfred and Dick. They were always there, always a shoulder to cry on, and a listening ear. They knew how hard it got for both you and Bruce. 

Dick wanted to be there to show he was grateful for what you’d done in the past. 

Alfred was there because that’s where he belonged. 

They kept telling me that it was unlikely All I had to do was keep you beside me

Once everything seemed to be falling back into a semi-blissful state, the world served another harsh blow. The first was to Bruce, in the form of a vengeful and now alive Jason Todd. 

While Bruce had to serve every night going out to face the Red Hood, you went back to the monitor spending your days trying to track Jason down. Now that your boy was back you needed to have him home. Even though they didn’t know it, you knew that what both Bruce and Jason needed  was to be together. 

Naturally, once the initial tension disappeared, you were right. 

Even now, now that Jason is back, you can still see the haunted look in Bruce’s eye that makes you think he’s almost believing he is seeing a ghost.

The second blow was to you, in the form of Bruce’s long-lost son Damian. 

He came in silence, and for the first few days you barely noticed a change. It was mostly Bruce’s attitude and reluctance to let you in the cave that made you suspicious. Luckily for Bruce, he was around when you found Damian in the cave. 

Needless to say it took a good couple hours of conversation before everything was cleared up.

Damian listened from the staircase, and eventually Tim wordlessly joined. The new duo unknowingly recreating what their predecessors did before them. Alfred felt a wave of nostalgia from just glancing at them. 

What Damian couldn’t believe through the whole ‘discussion’ was how much you were blaming his father for him being in your home, not him. Even though you both were fighting over him being there, there wasn’t any hate in your words to him, only annoyance to Bruce. 

He wondered exactly how many times you had to deal with the same thing before, aside from Tim. 

Cause there aren’t many stars in the sky tonight

As far as you were concerned, having children of your own was never going to happen. One robbery gone wrong was enough to pull your chances of your own children from an already mere fifty to less than twenty.  

It was one of the reasons you were so good at welcoming each boy into your home with such open arms. As soon as they stepped through the threshold with a tired introduction from your husband, small faces and bleary eyes, you saw them as yours. Every time, without fail.

Naturally it came as a shock to you when the doctor told you to take a pregnancy test after you’d been horrendously sick for the past week. It came as a bigger shock when the test came back positive. 

Bruce’s excitement and yours was taken too soon. In reality, you knew it could’ve happened, but you didn’t think it’d happen so suddenly, or so easily. 

Dick and Jason were among those waiting when you came home from the hospital, and everyone would've much preferred if the trip happened nine months later, and you’d have a bundle of blankets in your hands rather than just a bag of clothes. 

Even Damian couldn’t help the horrible feeling in the bottom of his stomach. After all he still wouldn’t be a big brother. 

It had been a couple weeks, but you were starting to worry. While you had grieved, and in your own way moved on, Bruce seemed to stay the same. He didn’t react. When the news came he went straight into autopilot. 

In his life he’d lost a lot of people. His parents, Jason, many other residence of Gotham, and now your baby. You started to think that with every lost soul his lost part of his own too. 

Cause I know that it’s day but it’s dark outside

Your worries were well served. Not even a couple nights after you voiced your concerns to Bruce himself did he and Damian get captured by the Joker. 

Tim was monitoring the computers, instantly sending out and alert to Dick to go help, but he just got caught too. Tim then contacted Jason, telling him to meet him near Gotham Docks. 

You wandered into the cave to see the monitor set to where Tim left it. A camera from in an old warehouse displayed all five of your boys beaten, bloodied, and tied up with the Joker pacing back and forth in front of them. 

Near the monitor keyboard was a notebook, open to a page with words scribbled in Tim’s characteristically messy writing. He found writing down thoughts helped him get his mind straight. It cleared his head. 

“Knows fighting styles - been monitoring us for weeks to memorize patterns - new moves needed - Jason good idea - Mom the last resort.” you read a loud, sinking to the chair at the monitor.

As you processed what was happening, you knew time was running short. You felt Alfred behind you, placing his hands reassuringly on your shoulders.

“What am I supposed to do?” you said, resting your head in your hands, “The GCPD won't be able to handle it well enough, and I can't just contact Clark or Diana. And I got rid of my suit years ago - it’s not like I can just slip on one of Bruce’s suits and go fight myself.” 

“I think there’s something I should show you.” Alfred said, squeezing your shoulders. 

And I feel a weight in my heart tonight

All the batsuits were displayed on one of the walls of the cave, it was like a trophy wall. And while your old Valentine suit wasn’t there, there was a display photo of you mid-flip as homage to what you’d done. 

As you went passed the suits, both old and new, and the empty cases of the suits being worn by your boys, Alfred soon stopped near your photo. He pressed the logo of your photo-suit and the glass moved away, soon followed by the wall, to reveal another glass case.

“Mister Bruce has been working on it since you destroyed your old one.” Alfred explained, letting you walk forwards to inspect your pristine suit, “He figured you might need it, and if I’m being honest I did too.”  

“Who else knows?” You asked, running your fingers over the fabric and the slightly darker logo on it’s chest. It was a lot like Bruce's suit.

“No one, but Tim found out, nothing’s a secret from him long.” you smiled. That’s Tim alright.

The fabric was new, a material you’d never seen before, but looked a lot like miniature chain-mail. Knife-proof.

The chest where your signature V logo was along with around your torso sounded a metallic tap. Bullet-proof.

You noted that although the mask only covered your eyes it was embedded with reflective glass. Photo-proof. 

“He sure was prepared.” you said, turning back to Alfred with the mask in your hands. “Will you man the computers for me?”  

“It would be an honor, Valentine.” 

Something's not right

“Copy V? Guards ahead.” Alfred said. The mask was also fit with a com-link. Bruce seemed to put everything in your suit, from an oxygen mask, to a lock-pick.

“Copy.” you said, sulking along the side of the warehouse towards the guards. You knew this could get nasty fast, but over time you learnt from Bruce many ways to subdue without killing. The guards were out of it before they even knew you were there. 

Inside, Bruce and the boys were getting antsy. 

Once when Joker left Tim said to the others he’d left a note near the computer encase he and Jason were unsuccessful, in the hope either you or Alfred would find it and send help. It had been almost two hours, and they were starting to doubt. Especially now that Joker was back and pacing in front of them. 

An explosion somewhere in another warehouse made their tired heads, and the heads of the others in the room, move towards the noise. The familiar sound of batarangs flying through the air made their head turn back right as two of the dozen guards fell to the floor, soon followed by two more. 

Joker ordered to start shooting at where the batarangs were coming from, and the solid sound of shots firing rang out for a couple long moments. When a figure clad in black dropped to the floor from the beams, Bruce felt his stomach drop. 

He knew that figure. He knew that suit. 

“Search them. Make sure whoever it is, is dead.” Joker said, dismissive in his words but the boys could tell he was on edge. Joker had the Batman, Nightwing, Red Hood and the two Robins. There wasn’t anymore, right? 

The guard moved to the figure, nudging its shoulder with his foot, and with the second nudge the figure shot up, pulling the guard into a headlock, and the guard dropped down unconscious in less than a few seconds. The other guards were trained on the figure, and Joker smiled.

“Well, well, does Batsy have a new birdy?” he sang, and the figure stepped forwards out of the shadow to reveal you, donned in your Valentine suit for all to see.

“Oh no, dear Joker,” you said, matching his tone yet lacing it with as much venom as humanly possible, “I promise you I’m far from new.” 

Cause I know that it’s day but it’s dark outside

The fact Joker wasn’t expecting a sixth ‘Batman partner’ to show up helped with taking down the guards. And like Tim noted, he was tracking everyone’s fighting styles. Even if Bruce was in the right mind-frame he had little chance of coming out on top. 

You hadn't fought in the public eye for many years, so there was no recent footage of your style, and even so most of it was back when you weren’t working with Batman at all. 

You had tied up Joker when you set to work setting the boys free, and it came as no surprise that he’d somehow gotten away by the time you’d given everyone a once-over. 

Back in the cave Damian was the first. Once back in the confides of safety Damian practically flung himself into you. 

“Ummi, I thought-” he said, stopping himself with a sniff and burying his nose in your stomach. 

“It was a close call.” Dick added, his voice strained. With a look you pulled him closer, and one by one you managed to deal out hugs and just the right words. 

In the next few hours Dick and Jason were both sent off back home with food Alfred made, and the reassurance that you’d come visit. Tim was sent off to bed, being told everything from the past events would be waiting when he wakes up. Damian was also given bed rest, but only after he got one last hug from you. 

All that was left was to deal with Bruce, who’d been in the cave since you all went upstairs. 

Like the feeling of rain on a Summer light

“Bruce.” you said, reaching his place at the computer. He stopped rather abruptly, and turned to face you with an agonizingly slow pace. The look on his face made you pull him into you just like you did with Dick. And for the first time in so long, Bruce cried. 

He could’ve lost everything on top of the baby. The other boys. You. Himself. 

He knew what he did wrong, he knew he went in without a clear head, all because something wasn’t right.

#bruce wayne x reader #batman x reader #bruce wayne imagine #batman imagine #bruce wayne one shot #batman one shot #dick grayson x reader #jason todd x reader #tim drake x reader #damian wayne x reader

[theanxietylifes-blog]

The Anxiety Life

Entry 1  

I cast my mind back to 2o13, black 2013......

My karate sensei announced he was quiting teaching classes, after 4 years and several belt grades into my training under his guidance. A teacher of not only karate, but a teacher of life, a figure I and so many other students looked up to, and were inspired by.

That's where it all came crashing down around me, that's what I believed to be the trigger.

The mental illness I would eventually come to nick name as the black dog.......  

       Back in the late 80's, in a time I consider some of the best times of my life, the nostalgia of those later high school years where I felt invincible, achieving in mostly anything I put any kind of time and effort into. Excelling in sports and music, all the things that the "in kids" were into.

Back then, as it probably still is today there were different social classes, or I guess a social pecking order at school. At the top there were the really cool kids, who were usually tough, and bent or broke the rules often, rebelling against any form of authority. At the other end of the pecking order, you had the straight laced somewhat dorky misfits and bookworms, you know the types, that would often go on and peak in life, becoming highly successful long after school days were long gone. I was neither at the top or the bottom of that pecking order, rather, some where in between. I had a good group of friends, and came from a good middle class home where home life was also pretty good.  

     Even in those salad days, as early as my later high school years It was there.....

and my first recollection, that I could remember when it started.....  

Standing at the light switch in my room, the last thing to do before I hopped into bed," ok turn the light switch on, then off, then on, then off, how many times was that,  

it has to be six times, ok jump into bed", my head voice now in full gear, loud, and relentless.  

"You better get get back up, and back to that light switch or something real bad is going to happen to you". Now back at the light switch again",1,2,3,4,5,6 on off on off", this cycle occurring over and over, before that inner voice was silenced, and I could finally go to sleep.  

Entry 2 Black 2013

 I think it was a month or so after my sensei, and life mentor left the Dojo when it began....

I woke around 2am in the early hours of the morning, feeling uneasy, but what was more unsettling was my racing heartbeat, and the horrible feeling like I couldn't take a decent breath in. The more I tried and couldn't, the faster my heartbeat raced,  and the more I panicked.....waking my wife up in the process I remember spiraling into a frenzied terror.

My wife was trying to calm me down, telling me to try and calm down and focus on measured breathing. But it was to no avail, I couldn't be calmed, I just kept yelling in desperate panic "feel my pulse, feel my pulse im having a heart attack, I can't breathe I feel im going to blackout at any second", but right at the point where I really felt like I was going to pass out, I got control of myself, I started to feel my breathing return back to normal, and after a while my heart rate slowed down, and although shaky from the ordeal after about half an hour and some comforting from my wife I felt ok.

Things got worse, a couple of nights later I had the same night repeated all over again, only this time, in my sheer panic, of once again feeling all the symptoms of a perceived  heart attack, the heart palpitations, some chest pains, difficulty with breathing, (hyperventilating), this time, t frantically threw some clothes on at the end of my bed, slipped past my still sleeping wife, and without any rational thought, grabbed my car keys, got in my car and sped off like a mad man, to the closest hospital emergency department, which was about 10 minutes away.  I had totally lost it, thinking I was going to die, I sped through red lights, driving as fast as I could, with only the single thought in mind, of making it to the hospital before I passed out,

I got there still frantic, I pretty much ditched the car anywhere I could, close to the emergency department.....

After some hours past, and a panicked wife that woke to realise I had gone MIA....

I got the all clear from the emergency doctor, and I made my way back home.

ENTRY 3

I have been in the workforce now for over 30 years, and I still don't know what I want to do in my working life, in fact as the years roll by I've  certainly discovered  more and more about  what I don't want, but feel lost when it comes to finding my purpose in working life, and for that matter  life in general.

I hate my job, I feel like i'm surviving, not really living, and I feel like my only friend

once i've clocked on, is time ticking away, until It's tools down and I can go home.

I'm constantly in search for a possible career change, I covert all the online employment guides, and career guides, I also take online career adviser tests, constantly trying to find my fit, but nothing has ever jumped out at me, screaming here I am, the career choice that's right for you....don't get me wrong, I am not afraid of further study and or training, or putting the work in, for the right role, but my fears lye in the fact that I am getting to, if i'm not there already, an age where a career change would be very difficult, especially when I still don't really know what my best career would look like.

ENTRY 4

People and socialising can make me feel tired, I feel like it takes a lot of energy to go out on a social outing and have to socialise with groups of people, even family social gatherings can wear  me down quickly. It's not like I don't like people, I work in a job role that sees me interact with people throughout my day, I know that I mentioned that I hated my job in my last entry, but it's not necessarily, the interacting with people part that I dislike about the job, I feel it's more the overall picture of my job, and how it fits with me as a person.

I feel my social skills have declined, particularly in recent years and especially the older I get. I find the art of small talk particularly hard, I think mainly because i'm of the philosophy, that if you don't have anything "real" to say, or something that has meaning, It's  better not to say anything at all. Perhaps this has been one of my downfalls in recent years, and why I don't have many friends, particularly close friends. The other point is, I guess I don't put in the effort required to maintain a friendship either, I suppose this all comes back to putting in the required  time, and effort, into building friendships, something I haven't felt a strong need to do. Maybe it might just be that I haven't found people that I naturally find interesting and I can relate to, friends that I don't feel the need to make forced, awkward conversations and interactions with, where I don't feel uncomfortable if I don't have something to say for the sake of filling in silence, where socilaising is actually enjoyable, and doesn't feel like it's soul draining.

Sometimes I wonder if I am normal. as I really like my own company a large percentage of the time. I have interests that I like to endulge a lot of my time with, and I am a very goal orientated person. For the sake of keeping my identity anonymous, I have chosen not to disclose my interests, only to describe how they play a part in my life.

ENTRY 5

I am a very nostalgic person, I find myself reflecting alot about the past.....I often sit and think about how the past always seems to have been the best times of my life, and how the present can never measure up to be as good. I often think back on the fond memories about late high school life, and my first years as a young adult, post high school in the late 1980's and early 90's.

Partnered with my frequent daydreaming and reflecting on life and the past, is my life long love for music. I think music is one of the greatest gifts in life. to me, there is nothing that can conjure up emotions and can elevate your "mood," whether it be, sadness, happiness, aggression, or any other state of mind, quiet like the power of music. One of the many joys of music is it's ability to serve as an audible photo album, a sound track to our lives. How many times have you heard a song on the radio, and it's a song that you may have forgotten about over the years, which you haven't heard since you were a teenager, all those years ago, in a certain time in your life, and then bam! those familiar song notes hit your ears, and there it is, and you are instantly transported back to that time, only, unlike a photo, a still frame captured in time, music is alive it's a truly awesome thing, that for a moment, can take you right back to that time, the smells, a girlfriends kiss, or some special accomplishment back then, a special thing that only the power of music can deliver.

ENTRY 6

Back in black 2013, I had many trips to the hospital, with varying symptoms that seemed like heart attack symptoms.....

It was on one particular occasion, where the hospital ran a thorough range of tests on me, which all came back normal, the doctor started asking me questions i'd never heard before, followed by a paper questionaire. This included questions like, have you ever thought about killing yourself, and do you often feel like you have a lack of motivation in life, and other questions along those lines. After submitting my answers to the questionaire, the doctor came in to discuss the outcome with me, and in summary, concluded I had Anxiety depression issues, and perscribed medication, and discussed having me see a phsychologist.

A couple of days after that consultation with the ER doctor. I woke up early one morning feeling like I wanted to jump out of my skin, I felt terrible, on edge and my heart was beating  100 miles an hour, and I felt myself loosing control, and spiraling into yet another panic attack episode.

Apart from that, I also had other horrible underlying feelings like, an over whelming sense of helplessness, and feeling like everything was just too hard to deal with, and I was just too tired to face the realities of life.

mental health

anxiety

depression

#mental health #anxiety depression

[kindred-is-obsessed]

Reasons you should be watching Craig of the Creek

Not enough people are watching this wonderful show, so I thought I’d do my best to introduce people to it. It’s made by former Steven Universe crew Ben Levin and Matt Burnett, so if you’re missing Steven Universe while it’s on hiatus this is a great way to keep away the hiatus blues, or if you just enjoy in cartoons. It’s great for a whole list of reasons, which broadly fall into the two categories of great representation and great storytelling:

Canonical queer representation

-       The witches premiere in the episode The Curse. If you aren’t sure if you want to watch this whole show definitely watch this one at least! It’s my absolute favourite not least of all because it’s about teen goth girls in love. It has a sequel The Last Kid in The Creek which is also wonderful, and the witches cameo throughout the series. I don’t want to spoil too much but The Curse is essentially about the two not wanting to be separated and struggling to admit their feelings for each other. (Spoilers: they do and walk off alone, blushing, staring at each other lovingly, while the kids aww at them)

-       Bernard and his girlfriend watch a cooking show hosted by a gay couple.

-       Other cameos, hints and coded queer kids such as JP’s sister (who has fancy dinner reservations with Kat, a woman with a shaved head who compliments Kelsey’s fake sword). There’s also Raj and Shaun (two very close friends), as well as several very boyish tomboys, including Handlebarb and Turner.

-       All public bathrooms I’ve spotted in the show have gender neutral signs on them which is nice.

POC representation

-       Craig, the main character, is black and has a loving family explored in depth, including an activist grandmother working for the council, a wise and fun grandfather, a supportive fun dad who loves his amazing wife, an adorable assertive little sister, and an angsty overachieving older brother who just wants to be a good grownup who loves his family and girlfriend.  

-       There are MANY characters of colour. There are black and brown characters, Raj is Indian, Stacks is Hispanic (and it’s implied she is an immigrant), there are several Asian characters, Kelsey is Hungarian and Jewish, a persistent background character wears a hijab (I’m pretty sure she was named at some point but I can’t find her name anywhere. She definitely has lines at one point). I’m sure there are others I have missed. No one is a stereotype as far as I am aware.

Subtle neurodivergent representation

-       JP is possibly on the autism spectrum. I’d love neurodivergent people’s opinions on this, but while the representation isn’t canonical or obvious I think it’s good that while JP is represented as having different thought processes from his friends, he isn’t made fun of for it, at least not by them. It’s noteworthy I think that he’s the eldest of the core trio, probably because he finds it easier to relate to younger people who still share his imagination and care less about his unique way of thinking. His neurodivergence is explored most explicitly in the episode Jextra Perrestrial, so if you’re interested in this kind of representation definitely check that episode out.

Non-nuclear family representation

-       While the main character is a member of the typical nuclear family you see on TV (except black, and actually interesting) most of the other families we see are not.

-       JP is raised by his mother and older sister. His father is never mentioned and their house is definitely in worse condition than the others we see. His family works hard to take care of each other. His sister is a nurse and both her and her mother are away a lot of the time, but they both love JP very much. JP’s sister also happens to be really openly body positive. I love them a lot.

-       Kelsey’s father is an only parent. There’s still a lot of mystery surrounding how Kelsey’s mother passed away. It’s a very subtle but important part of Kelsey’s character and comes through in really bittersweet adorable ways (not limited to Kelsey using her “half-orphan”ness to guilt trip a man into giving her money)

-       Other kinds of families are scattered throughout the show, including families that move around a lot, a home-school kid with a strict mother, and more.

Unique approach to fantasy and sci-fi

-       You know how most kids show will take a kid’s fantasy and bring it to reality? Well Craig of the Creek keeps the fantastical and nostalgic element of that line of thinking but never confirms or denies whether the kids fantasies are real or in their heads. And not in a Scooby Doo way where the fantastical elements are explained away, but are hinted as a possibility right at the very end. Instead, two perspectives (the fantastical perspective and the realistic perspective) are woven into every episode.

-       This means there are two ways to interpret every episode. You can view the witches as real witches, or as goth teenagers. You can view Helen as a kid from another dimension, or a home-school kid who is never at the creek at the same time as the other kids. You can view Deltron as a cyborg from the future, or as an imaginative kid from a big city.

-       This is super unique and fun to watch. They come up with so many new ideas and its always fun to figure out what’s actually happening, while still getting to relive childhood fantastical nostalgia.

-       Almost all of these episodes use this to talk about an issue, but these issues can get quite complex and are definitely not shoved down your throat.

Overarching mystery plot about a colonialist kingdom / cult

-       Love the slow burn storytelling of Steven Universe’s Diamond Authority? Love putting together the mysteries of Gravity Falls? Then you’ll love this plot about colonialism, classism, bullying, peer pressure and more and its mysterious build up including cryptic graffiti art and flower symbolism.

-       Even before this arc properly begins, Craig of The Creek primarily centers around the microcosm of the Creek. Many of the episodes have a lot of commentary on society, politics and how different factions of people form and interact.

-       The show is over 50 episodes in and this arc is only just starting to kick off so now is the time to catch up and watch.

-       Fun complex villain(s)

Complex relatable characters

-       Want commentary and nostalgia about horse girls, children’s tea parties, weird kids, angsty teens, young weebs, dweebs and more!? Every childhood obsession is represented in this show.

-       Adults! All the parents and older teens in this show are just as rich and complex as the kids. They are all so interesting and fun.  

-       Want characters with arcs, aims, fun relationships and complexity!? Look no further! Redemption arcs! Revelations! Found family! It’s all here!

Great art and soundtrack

-       Cute background and character designs that make you nostalgic as hell and are also beautiful and well thought out.

-       Sometimes the art design is changed up for a particular episode to portray a certain fantastical / sci fi element. It’s very fun and engaging. 

-       An opening song that’s fun to sing along to, bittersweet ending song that makes me want to cry, a couple of musical episodes including a super fun rap musical episode, and a great OST

Queer headcanons

-       There are tons of ways to interpret the show but here’s some of my head canons just to get an idea.

-       (Note that despite my headcanons I use the pronouns for the kids that they use in the show cause I’m not certain about any of it and they’re kids who haven’t come out yet and also for clarity and consistency’s sake – I’m not saying trans people are not their genders. Don’t worry I’m nonbinary)

-       I headcanon that all the main trio grow up to realise they are queer. They strike me as that weird group of friends that doesn’t fit in with the other kids and aren’t quite sure how they all came to be friends, only to later realise they all showed early signs of breaking gender roles and that’s why they stuck together.

-       Craig definitely grows up to realise he’s gay, bisexual or queer. His admiration for characters like Deltron and Green Poncho are definitely crushes that he mistakes for a strong sudden and eager desire for friendship.

-       Kelsey probably grows up to realise she is nonbinary, a trans boy or a WLW. I mostly headcanon this because I relate to her a lot and I’m nonbinary and queer so I said so. She reminds me a lot of myself as a kid. She throws herself into books, mostly fantasy for escapism. She fantasises and writes a lot for the same reasons. She dresses like a tomboy (She always wears her hair up in the same bun which strongly reminds me of my own childhood hair dysphoria) and she hangs out solely with male friends.

-       JP gives me strong trans lesbian vibes, or to a lesser extent nonbinary vibes. (I know his sister is WLW coded but take it from me there can be more than one queer in a family). He is interested in girls, specifically Maney the horse girl (he even joined the horse girls for one episode). He wears a long V-neck shirt that is essentially a dress ALL the time. He’s aware that he’s different and while self conscious sometimes, mostly just wants to express himself the way he wants to. He also chooses to go by initials JP over his very gendered name Johnathan Paul (In a recent episode he names a ship after himself, calling it “The SS Johnathon Paulina”).

-       (Sidenote if you do start watching this show and I see any nasty shipping of these characters in non puppy-love fashion so help me god)

 Other reasons

-       The show is at times very intertextual and references Princess Mononoke, Super Smash Brothers, Sailor Moon, Lord of the Rings, and a billion other things. It also has some fun cameos, including background images of the Tres Horny Boys from The Adventure Zone, a TARDIS from Doctor Who, and a Cookie Cat from Steven Universe.

-       Honestly, this post hasn’t done the best job explaining why I love this show so much. You honestly just have to watch an episode to understand fully what I’m talking about, so give it a go! Watch The Curse at least, it only goes for 10 minutes.

#craig of the creek #gravity falls #steven universe #ok ko #cartoons #reccommended #recommendations #recommendation #hiatus #cartoon network #star vs the forces of evil #svtfoe #su #cotc #representation #show #watch #adventure time #bravest warriors #analysis #headcanon #shera #spop #we bare bears #clarence #avatar #atla #tlok #disney #the amazing world of gumball

[yawnjunie]

extra long tag game (seriously, it’s very long)

tagged by: @soobindipity​ (ty eri!)

tagging: @acethetiques​, @bloomingjun​, @txtdream​, @bulgo-gyu...(i’m honestly so lazy so if you want to do this, go ahead! feel free to ignore if you were tagged)

ONE

tell me the first song that made you stan your current fave group and why did your faves attract you so much?

side effects! (oops this is a txt blog) but i’m pretty sure this is what made me want to stan skz! the song is very experimental, as it’s psychedelic edm (i believe), but i liked it a lot after a few listens. i was totally obsessed with the choreography as well, because the whole thing is just...art. they attracted me because their style of music was different than what i had seen before, and on top of being extremely talented and creative people, they were also super funny and caring.

another group that comes really close to being my favs is day6 (and i cannot even begin to describe my infatuation with this group). i listened to “shoot me” and “sweet chaos” and BAM that’s all it took to drag me into stanning this group. i’m not familiar with the inside jokes and all that, but i just love listening to their music! there is not a single bad song in their entire discography! i also have the largest heart eyes for young k’s “young one” project covers and eaJ’s original songs.

—

TWO

rule: answer the ten questions and write your own!

what’s your unrealistic goal for life?

going to an ivy league or just any amazing school in general (lol is this really gonna happen tho 🤪)

if you had known that we would be in a global pandemic, what’s one thing that you would’ve done before things shut down (if they have for you)?

gone out with my friends, probably (going for a boba run, going to the mall, etc.)

what’s an unconventional thing that you carry around with you when you go out?

a tiny book called “be active” by charles m. schulz, filled with motivation quotes. i also bring around a book, in case i get bored.

favourite type of plushies and why?

the extra fluffy kind that i can hug or use as a pillow, but i like the bear plushies a lot too (from daiso/miniso).

favourite song right now?

darn i don’t have one 😳 but i like listening to “ribs” by lorde

something that you’ve always wanted to learn?

how to make macarons, how to make/compose music, the korean language

tell a funny story about yourself (or just something that you’ve witnessed)

i can’t think of something off the top of my head :( (i promise my life isn’t that boring but my brain isn’t conjuring up anything helpful)

headphones or speakers? why?

headphones when i want to listen to music by myself/with a friend, speakers when i want to share music openly

craving any food right now? what are you craving?

banh mi and 🍅 (even though i just had a bowl of them...sorry beomgyu)

+ also this coconut that i’m trying to open? but it’s not cooperating with me 😔

which music streaming platform do you prefer? why?

spotify, it’s unproblematic for the most part

ten questions (by eri, answered)

1. what’s the best trip/vacation you’ve ever had?

when i went on a tour of china (i went to a bunch of places, from the city to the mountains). it was fun exploring places i’ve never been to!

2. do you have any random fears/phobias? if yes, what are they?

spiders and bugs :(

3. weirdest food you’ve ever eaten?

either mangostine (i hated it, sorry soobin) or frog legs

4. do you have any hidden talents? what can you do?

uhhhhhhhhhhh i can memorize things quickly? i mean i don’t think it’s that big of a talent but i can remember trivial history facts really well

5. what is an activity you’d like to try out someday?

swimming underneath a waterfall or just living in the wilderness

6. when did you get your first phone and what type of phone was it?

a very long time ago when i was in 2nd grade, when i first got an ancient flip-phone...i pretty much never touched it because i never really needed to use it

7. what is a movie you never get tired of watching?

kimi no nawa! i’ve watched that movie 3 times already and it’s a great movie so i wouldn’t mind watching it again :)

8. biggest pet peeve?

dirt encrusted fingernails >:(

9. earliest childhood memory?

i’m not sure :( my memory is just a jumble of things from my childhood

10. as a child, what did you want to be? what about now?

i wanted to be anything and everything...one day i would be like “i’m going to be a doctor” and the next i would be like “nvm i want to be a magician” and as for now, i’m actually not sure because i’m interesting in many fields, including areas in both sciences and humanities.

—

THREE

rule: bold the statements that apply to you, italicize your aspirations, then tag nine people.

AIR ༉⋆͙̈

i have small hands / i love the night sky / i watch animals and birds when i pass them by / i drink herbal tea / i wake to see the dawn / the smell of dust is comforting / i’m valued for being wise / i prefer books to music / i meditate / i find joy in learning new truths from the world around me

FIRE ༉⋆͙̈

i don’t have straight hair / i like to wear ripped jeans and overalls / i play an organized sport / i love dogs / i am not afraid of adventure / i love to talk to strangers / i always try new foods / i enjoy road trips / summer is my favorite season / my radio is always playing

WATER ༉⋆͙̈

i wear bracelets on my wrists / i love the bustle of the city / i have more than one set of piercings / i read poetry / i love the sound of a thunderstorm / i want to travel the world / i sleep past midday most days / i love simply lit dinners and fluorescent signs / i rewatch kids shows out of nostalgia / i see emotions in colors not words

EARTH ༉⋆͙̈

i wear glasses or contacts / i enjoy doing the laundry / i am a vegetarian or vegan / i have an excellent sense of time / my humor is very cheerful / i am a valued advisor to my friends / i believe in true love / i love this chill of mountain air / i’m always listening to music / i am highly trusted by the people in my life

AETHER ༉⋆͙̈

i go without makeup in my daily life / i make my own artwork / i keep on track of my tasks and time / i always know true north / i see beauty in everything / i can always smell flowers / i smile at everyone i pass by / i always fear history repeating itself / i have recovered from a mental disorder / i can love unconditionally

—

FOUR

PERSONAL

name: blu

nickname: blu

birthday: sometime when the flowers bloom

zodiac: aries

nationality: american

languages: english, chinese, spanish, (a bit of) japanese

gender: female

sexuality: straight

height: [redacted]

BLOG STUFF

inspiration for muse: txt and other groups i stan! i also like to take inspiration from my life experiences, books i’ve read, songs, movies. shows, and so on.

meaning behind my url: there weren’t any canon urls for yeonjun so my brain somehow went hmm? yawnjunie? sounds good (i’ve been asked this before and honestly there isn’t much logic behind my url lol)

blog established: June 5th, 2020

followers: 153 (it’s a small-ish community but thank you all for the support!)

FAVORITES

favourite animals: dogs, cats, wolves, foxes (i just love animals in general)

favourite books: asoue, the miraculous journey of edward tulane, the joy luck club, the giver series (there are more but i can’t think of them)

favourite colour: blue (i love all the colors)

favourite fictional characters: alyssa and james (teotfw), the baudelaires (asoue), and other people i can’t think of atm

favourite flower: i don’t think i have a specific favorite flower, but i like orchids!

favourite scent: the scent of pu’er tea (or the scent of dried flowers)

favourite season: i don’t have one, but i’m leaning towards autumn

RANDOM

average hours of sleep: 6-9

cats or dogs: dogs (i’m serious)

coffee, tea or hot chocolate: tea all the way

current time: 01:05

dream trip: south america, europe, japan

dream job: tbd :’) (but i want to be in a profession in which i’m helping people)

hobbies: eating, playing piano, being a tubbs™

hogwarts house: ravenclaw (i think)

last movie watched: can’t remember, but it was probably a film about a mermaid who tried to find true love on land but ended up dying

last song listened to: i’m in love with you by kina

no. of blankets you sleep with: 1-2

random fact(s): i love mint chocolate ice cream, i like my milk tea with a bunch of toppings (pudding, aloe vera, boba pearls, etc.)

—

FIVE

10 things I can’t stop listening to

if i could ride a bike - chevy

pinocchio - eaJ

fly me to the moon - young k

holo - lee hi

lmm - hwasa

man in a movie - day6

laughing on the outside - bernadette carroll

remember (from natsume’s book of friends) - uru

sparkle - radwimps

i loved you - day6

#the comprehensive profile of blu #this is more info about me than is on my actual about page whoops #about #tag game

[eeemarvel]

It’s Billy, boys.

I originally wrote this quite some time ago as a part of chapter 30 but I decided I didn’t need it so it’s bonus content now, I guess. This happens right at the beginning of 30 before Victor gets a call from Phichit. Since this didn’t make it to the final draft, the editing is really lazy. I’m honestly only posting this to get out of working on the next few chapters lol. Also, Billy is definitely a trip, I know. Anyways, without further ado...

Victor had no clue if Yuuri was Red Specter or not. He was exactly where he started. It didn’t change the fact that Red Specter was still very real, no matter who he was beneath the mask which meant that if he couldn’t come up with a satisfactory offer by midnight, it was likely that History Maker would get hit. This was his last (and only) bet, he realized as he got off the elevator a floor below Yakov’s office. This floor, the Artillery and Design floor, always smelled like singed fabric because it was where the super suits were made… but it still didn’t account for the burning smell. Billy, a man with round pink cheeks, a long green mohawk, and coke bottle glasses looked up when the glass doors slid open for Victor. Billy beamed and cheered like a redneck on the fourth of July when he saw Victor. 

“Victor Torch! Just the tight assed hero I was looking for!”

“Billy,” Victor greeted him and the other cheering technicians with a nod. “Is it ready?”

“You bet your wintry butthole, it is,” Billy said and beckoned him closer with a finger. They walked to the back of the lab, passing metal tables and clunky equipment, all of it glinting with a futuristic sheen as he passed. Some of the technicians were bent over sheets of fabric that seemed to be radiating electricity—it made Victor tingle in the strangest way as he passed, while a few of them made alterations to suits that were actually familiar to him. He guessed Spotlight tore their suit recently, when he saw a squat little technician pushing a button on a giant sewing machine for the all too familiar pink ensemble. 

“It’s back here,” Billy said, “for safekeeping.” 

“I appreciate that,” Victor said.

“It’s in good condition,” he commented as he stopped at a long, dark, glass wall at the very back of the lab. He punched in a few codes on a keypad. A rectangle of light appeared a little ways away from them and Billy led him to it. “You were careful, even back then,” he complimented Victor as he took a little remote out of his lab coat pocket. The rectangle of light was actually a door behind the glass, a door to a small closet with a revolving rack. In front was a prototype of Victor’s current suit: black, sleek, and shimmery. Billy clicked his remote and the rack spun around to show the suit Victor had worn two years ago. It was similar, but royal blue instead of black. He kept clicking, letting the suits spin by, each of them taking an era with them as they went. He cringed at a fuschia one with lapels—he was feeling a bit melodramatic then.

“It’s always been a pleasure designing for you, Winter Nikiforov, because you’re not just a man of justice, you’re a man of art. A renaissance man,” he kissed his fingers, “you get me.” 

“I always have,” Victor smiled, lying. 

“Heeeere we goooo,” he sang as they found the suit Victor wanted. He thought it would fit Red since he was much younger when he first wore this. Red was smaller than him. It was black which fit his MO… he tilted his head, unsure as he took in the swaths of revealing mesh across the chest, the sparkling crystals on the shoulders and hips. It was sturdy, he knew that for a fact, and very well made because Billy made it himself. But it wasn’t exactly low-key. Heroes never dressed to blend in. 

And it was a bit…risque. He had to be honest. Even Chris’ suit wasn’t this suggestive and it was Chris. Victor was only nineteen when it was made, when he told Billy exactly what he wanted: something that would make his opponents uncomfortable. He was feeling cocky because he was starting hero training years before what was normal, and he was young… he felt free and invincible for the first time in seven years. It gave Yakov a heart attack at the time and even Lilia disapproved. In the end, Celestino convinced them to let Victor explore… He thought there were still some old newspapers somewhere with him wearing this on the front cover under scandalized headlines...

The fire was back, that sensation that he now recognized as a red light—a sign that something was off. He bit his lip. He shouldn’t think about Red in this suit, even if he was planning on offering it up. It didn’t matter what he looked like in it or what Red thought of it or anything that just crossed his mind, because the only thing that mattered was protecting History Maker. 

There was no mask. That was what was missing. That’s why he felt weird picturing Red in it. Of course he’d feel this way trying to imagine Red Specter’s face… it was confusing, disconcerting, uncomfortable, nerve-wracking, all those things...

“Billy…”

“M’lady?”

“Have you ever considered… making a mask for this?”

“Are we talking Robin style with just the eyes, or are you thinking more of a Batman-exposed-chin thing, or like a full faced Red Specter deal, because the answer is yes, Snowflake. Yes, I have considered making a mask for all of your suits. Why don’t you step into my office?”

“Uh.”

“Just…” he said awkwardly as if he had just realized the entire lab was his office, “look at this.” He pulled out his phone and opened a few files. He scrolled through digital scans of sketches he’d made, all very impressive, and then actual prototypes that Victor was interested in for himself. Of course, his ability gave him the power to disguise his face easily so he didn’t need a mask but… he still kind of wanted one now that he was looking. 

Focus. He wasn’t clothes shopping (unfortunately). He was completing a potentially life saving transaction. He pointed at a full mask with crystals elegantly crowning the area where the wearer’s hairline would be. “You already made this one?”

“You betcha.”

“I like it.”

“Roger dodger,” he whistled a tune and pushed a blue button on his remote. The revolving rack disappeared into the closet ceiling, pushed out by another rack. This one carried pieces that Victor either changed his mind about or ones that Billy started but lost interest in, scraps of abandoned ideas. He clicked the remote so that the rack whirled around until they got to the mannequin heads, some bare and others wearing masks that Victor had never seen until now. Billy pointed a remote at one. 

“Look good to you?”

“Yes,” Victor said, because it did, although he wasn’t sure Red would appreciate something so flashy. Especially not since the thief seemed to gather fashion inspiration from the shadows under his bed. Well, if he didn’t like the design, he could have it altered. What mattered was that it was nano-tech and made with pure Pandora’s Iron. “I’ll take it,” he said. 

“Okey doke, will that be debit or credit, sir?” Billy chuckled at his own joke as he pressed a button to make the glass doors protecting the closet open. He reached up and gingerly removed the mask from the mannequin. “Isabellaaaaaa!” He shouted over his shoulder and a young mousy looking girl came scuttling around a corner. 

“Sir?” She squeaked.

“Can you please get a box for me? Big enough for a suit?” 

“Yes, sir,” she nodded frantically and squeezed her eyes shut. Victor heard a soft whoosh sound and when he looked up, he saw a large white box soaring above him. It glided gracefully down next to Billy who thanked her before she scampered away. Billy neatly packed the suit under the mask before sealing it and handing it over to Victor. 

“Merry Christmas, baby boy,” he crooned.

“Thank you,” Victor said with an impressively straight face. He’d been practicing since he was sixteen, though Billy had gotten progressively more… Billy as Victor grew older. 

“I’m curious. Is this for Yuri?”

“I—what?!” 

“I mean, I don’t really mind if you give it to the little furball because he’s kind of family and we all put up with him but I’m concerned about the whole… accountability thing with Yakov and the red tape and the chain of command is a whole thing—”

“Ah—oh, you mean Yuri Plisetsky…” Victor groaned, dragging his hand down his face.

“Uh… how many Yuri’s are there? Oh!” He snapped his fingers, “that hot doctor from your Instagram! My girlfriend loves him! He’s got this kind of secret-sexy-vixen-by-night-and-sad-puppy-by-day vibe going and it drives her wild. She stalks him like he’s an insta famous kitten or something,” he said with a tone of pride Victor found strange. 

“He’s not a doctor, and...no,” he shook his head, “It’s not for Yuri P. I just want it for... nostalgia’s sake.” 

Billy nodded thoughtfully, rubbing his chin. Then he slapped both his hands on Victor’s shoulders, startling him, “That’s so weird. Have fun!” He called for Isabella again as he left Victor, getting straight back to work. 

He thanked all the technicians on his way out and took the elevator down to the first floor so he could wait in the lobby. He plopped down in a chair and set the box on the floor beside him.

#bonus content #hr bonus content #hr #hero reform #billy #adt #victor nikiforov #victor #yuuri on ice #yoi fanfic #yoi fanfiction #yuuri on ice fanfiction

[littledarlinwrites]

Sidewalks

Pairing: Stephen Strange x surrogate daughter!reader

Word Count: 2239

Author's Note: okay, this one was a struggle (and life was not being any kinds of helpful either)! This was also my first time writing for Doctor Strange! A big thank you to @lexxierave for helping me brainstorm when I got stuck! This was a request by @littlepurplewarrior for a bit of angst to end with fluff with a surrogate father!Stephen Strange. Thank you so so so much for being so incredibly patient while I worked on this and I hope you love it!

Warnings: parental death, vague description of a panic attack sorta, angst, fluff

You were used to being alone and you were used to people leaving. Your mom left you and your dad when you were just two, not even old enough to remember her. The more shocking blow was when your dad died three years ago. You were fourteen and you were walking home from school as usual when you saw an ambulance, firetruck, and police a block away from your house. As soon as you saw the crumpled motorcycle in the street you knew what had happened. You remember dropping your knees onto the cool cement, it was spring and hadn’t been consistently warm yet, but that day had been beautiful for a ride and your dad had probably gotten the bike out to get it warmed up for the season. Ever since you figured it was safer to be alone, people always left anyway. This way they couldn’t hurt you if they couldn’t get close. 

Every Wednesday Stephen would visit a little deli nearby, he had tried everything on the menu at this point at least twice, it was one of the few normal things from his life that he couldn’t shake. Maybe it was his version of comfort food, maybe it was what kept him connected with his old life, but nonetheless, he would go to that deli religiously. He recognized familiar faces, and he knew that he had never seen yours. You knew your way around though, so he knew you weren’t new. However, that wasn’t what caught his eye the most. No, what piqued his interest was the magic he could feel clear across the deli that was humming through your veins. He knew that there can be at most two Sorcerer Supremes per world at a time: there will be two Sorcerer/ess Supremes if one of them has greater skills than all others, while the other commands a greater portion of the ambient magical energies than any other, and he knew that you would be the next sorceress supreme, with guidance. He could also sense a great darkness looming within you. Not evil or doom and gloom, but more of a loneliness and deep sadness obtained from some great personal loss. 

Stephen knew that if he didn't approach this carefully, he would spook you, and who knows what could happen after that. If he could so easily and clearly sense the magic coming off you in waves then that meant other sorcerers could too, ones that may want to use you if you were lucky, and kill you if you weren't. He walked over to the counter were standing at, simply acting as if he were perusing what was behind the glass. He saw the man prep your order as another worker came over and asked him if he knew what he would like to order. He rattled something off and discretely told them to put your order on his bill as well. Stephen looked you over for any clues as to your interests, you t-shirt was plain, your bag wasn't decorated with buttons like most kids your age, but you were holding a very worn book of poetry by Bukowski in your hands, and what looked like an older journal with it. He averted his eyes when you were passed your order, trying to hand your crumpled bills in your hand to the man only to be refused and told that someone else had paid for your meal. Stephen could feel your eyes upon him when the man behind the counter pointed out who had so graciously paid for you. Stephen continued to act as if he wasn't aware and paid for both meals as he was handed his. A gentle tap on his shoulder causing him to turn around.

"Thank you for paying for my meal, you really didn't have to."

"Oh it's no problem! I was a struggling college student once too. It's good to see not everyone is as caffeine addicted as I was though."

"Uhm, I'm not a college student, I actually just graduated high school."

"Oh, so the Bukowski is just a bit of light reading?" He asked inquisitively.

"Yeah, something like that." You told him with a sad smile.

"Favorite quote? I'll tell you mine if you tell me yours?"

"We don’t even ask happiness, just a little less pain." He nodded his head thoughtfully. 

"I never met another man I'd rather be. And even if that's a delusion, it's a lucky one." The silence was a comfortable one and Strange stretched out a shakey hand. 

"Dr. Stephen Strange." He introduced himself. You shook his hand while introducing yourself to him. 

"So, Y/N, tell me more about your fondness for Bukowski." Strange said as you two walked towards the park. The two of you talked poetry for hours while walking around. What were your favorite pieces, favorite authors, what made them tick, and just theories behind who they were as people. 

Hours later the sun was setting as they walked around the city. Strange stopped at a doorway with 177A Bleeker St. labeled beside it. 

"Well, Y/N, this is me. You okay getting home by yourself?" Strange asked. 

"Uhm, yeah, I'll be fine. It was nice meeting you Dr. Strange."

"Hey, if you ever want to borrow some books I have a whole library full of them."

"I thought you were a doctor?" Your head tilted to the side confusedly.  Causing a chuckle to erupt from Strange's chest, one that reminded you of your dad's. 

"I was, but that's a story for a different time. Wong is actually the librarian. I just kinda keep an eye on things here."

"Oh, that's cool. Well, I look forward to the story and meeting Wong sometime."

"You sure you're gonna be alright getting home? I don't mind the walk."

"Oh no, it's alright. I'll be fine. See you tomorrow at the deli?"

"Tomorrow at the deli then."

Slowly Doctor Strange earned your trust, and quickly you looked forward to your daily deli trip. After having cut yourself off from others in fear of losing them, you forgot how nice human contact was.Strange just had such a permanence to him. As if he could never die. 

Eventually, you did check out his library. Excitement trimmed through your veins as you gazed over the books, each time you entered the library you felt that way, it was like being a kid again where everything felt magical, like you saw the world through rose colored glasses. You never thought you'd feel this again after your dad passed. 

One day you were in the library reading a book about magic, figuring it was some type of myth textbook. Feeling a bit childish, you decided to practice one of the spells in the book like you would when you were a kid watching a movie about magic. The spells never worked, but you couldn't help but feel nostalgic and try it out just for nostalgia sake. You moved your hands in the described pattern a small smile on your face with your eyes closed envisioning what the book described. When you open your eyes, you're amazed at the sight before you. The air was sparkling gold with what could be best described as a window in the middle. A window to the past, a happier time that brought glistening tears to your eyes. There was a white bedroom with bright colored accents, a nightlight that cast stars and constellations on the ceiling, and in the bed was a father reading to his 6 year old daughter a book of bukowski poetry, skipping over or improvising the more mature bits for something more fitting for a six year old. You could see the little girl struggling to keep her eyes open as her father's baritone voice lulled her to sleep. Once her eyes fluttered shut one last time, her father kissed her forehead before whispering "goodnight sweet pea." The window darkened before disappearing altogether. Your breathing was coming in shallow bursts, tears cascading down your face, and your heart was thudding in your ears. The tap on your shoulder nearly caused you to jump out of your skin as you turned and launched yourself backward to face Stephen. He had a cut on the left side of his face and his lip was busted. Fear clutched your heart in it's cold grip nearly stalling it. Without think you pushed yourself to your feet leaving all of you things behind as you bolted through the door and out of the building. 

Stephen stood there awestruck and dumbfounded. He couldn't believe how easily you completed the spell without even knowing about your ability. However he was dumbfounded by what caused you to be so upset. The memory seemed to be a happy one. When he looked down he saw the journal on the floor, picking it up gingerly he opened the cover to see on the left a quote written, "some moments are nice, some are nicer, some are even worth writing about." Another Bukowski quote. On the right was a man's name with the same last name as yours. He began flipping through the book and it didn't take long to deduce that the man the book belonged to was your father. On the last day was an entry about taking the motorcycle out for a quick spin after a long winter before going out to what was said to be your favorite little deli. That entry was dated years ago with no new ones since. A faded, folded picture lay in the crease of that page, a man and his daughter on a carousel. One look at the picture had Stephen's gut turning. He remembered that face. Everything clicked. He had worked on your dad, but there was no saving him, even with his skilled hands at the time. Stephen figured you'd be back for the journal and book you carried with you religiously and decided to wait.

It was two weeks later when he stopped waiting. He ventured out to the deli placing an order to-go before making his way to your place. He knocked sharply on the wood before hearing a soft shuffle on the other side. When the door opened enough to get a look at who lived behind it, he wished he hadn't waited so long. Your eyes were raw and bloodshot and your hair a tangled mess of knots. Stephen pushed his way past the door frame and did something a bit uncharacteristic of himself and wrapped his arms around you as you cried. He didn't shush you, but he did rub your back with his free hand, and he let you let out all the pent up emotion before guiding you to your couch that was a few feet away. He put the bag of food in your hands gently instructing you to eat. He used magic to summon your brush and continued to use the magic to gingerly brush the knots from your hair. Once both tasks were finished you sat in companionable silence before your voice broke the silence. It was rough from disuse, but Stephen caught every word.

"I never knew my mom. She uh, left when I was like two. It was me and him ever since. He would always read me poetry to get to sleep. Bukowski was his favorite. He would take me to the deli, it was our favorite little place to go when we ate out. We were supposed to go-" your voice cracked halting your sentence. You took a deep breath and carried on. 

"You remind me a lot about him, you know. You have the same laugh. You just seemed so permanent. Like you'd never leave, like you couldn't get hurt. I mean, you probably think that's childish of me, but, it's just how it seemed. And then I did that spell, and I didn't think it would work, but it did, and you showed up and you were hurt, and I just don't think I can handle it when you leave too because people always seem to leave me and-" you began to hyperventilate and Stephen put his shakey hands on your arms, grounding you. 

"I can't promise that I'll never leave, but I can tell you that I won't leave willingly. Everybody has to leave at some point. Somebody once said, 'every song has a CODA, a final movement. Whether it fades out or crashes away, every song ends. Is that any reason not to enjoy the music? The truth is, there is nothing to be afraid of. It's just life.' One day you'll have your own CODA, does that mean you should die now?" 

"N-no." You stutter out between sniffles and a small smile lit up the doctors face. 

"It's going to be okay you know. There’s no shame in being afraid. We’re all afraid."

"Even you?"

"Yeah, even me."

"How do you face it?"

"Get comfortable kid, this is going to be a long story." The two of you settled in on the couch as Stephen described to you all the times he was scared. The world not only became a little less lonely, but also a little less scary. 

"there are worse things

than being alone

but it often takes

decades to realize this

and most often when you do

it's too late

and there's nothing worse

than too late"

-Charles Bukowski

#stephen strange x daughter!reader #stephen strange #surrogate daughter #surrogate father #doctor strange #doctor strange x daughter!reader #doctor stephen strange

[nythroughthelens]

I didn't know I was blind in one of my eyes until I was 24 years old My first eye exam was courtesy of the New York City public school system. I was 9 years old. 

That year a dentist and eye doctor visited the school to give exams to children whose parents couldn't afford such vital health services. Falling squarely into that less than fortunate category, I was able to get my eyes examined for the first  time.

The exam was rushed. I remember the eye doctor's crisp white coat and his gruff tone. I was asked to read a chart on a wall with my right eye. 

I replied quietly that I couldn't read the letters.  

The doctor appeared only slightly bothered, “Not even the top letter?”

I heard myself apologize automatically, “No, sorry sir.”

“Are you sure ?”, he asked sounding slightly perturbed.

I started to question reality, “yes?”

And that was the end of the exam.

I was diagnosed with a lazy eye and prescribed glasses with one comically thick pane of glass on the right side. 

I wore glasses like that for years. I also had chronic headaches. At a subsequent visit with another eye doctor in my early teens, headache concerns and failure to read letters on the eye chart with my right eye were interpreted as a need for a stronger prescription. 

When I was 18 years old, I moved out on my own and I stopped wearing glasses. I broke the one pair of glasses that I had and since I didn't have money for eye exams I concluded that it didn't matter anyway. My internal reasoning was that if I had a lazy eye, it wanted to be lazy. Why bother it further? Let it be lazy if it wants. 

My headaches stopped.

Years passed.

When I was 24 years old, I finally got health insurance from one of my jobs. Feeling residual guilt over not wearing glasses for years, I booked an appointment with an ophthalmologist. The exam involved a lot of questions, lights, and intricate machinery. 

At the end of the exam the doctor said: “I am about to ask you a strange question. What ear do you use when you use the phone?”

I answered without hesitation: “Oh! My left ear. That's my good ear.”

She then asked what no other eye doctor had ever asked me.

She asked me what I saw out of my right eye.

I felt seen for the first time.

I had never articulated a response to the question that she asked and I replied: “ I see scattered light only the light looks like it's being seen through broken glass like light through a crushed kaleidoscope.”

Hearing myself say those words out loud was revelatory. 

The doctor told me that she suspected I had cortical blindness with blindsight (more on this below) and scheduled an MRI.

After a pretty intense brain MRI, I was diagnosed with cortical blindness in my right eye. 

Here are a list of random facts that apply to my subjective experience with cortical blindness and blindsight:

1. I have had it since birth. 

It could be genetic or it could have been due to my mother's health when she was younger. My mother experienced extreme trauma and malnutrition as a child when she was in concentration camps for four years (this is way too long to go into here, maybe one day I will write about that story). It's been shown that malnutrition and trauma can lead to future issues with reproduction. 

However, no one knows for sure what caused my cortical blindness and it will always be a mystery. I am ok with that. 

2. I see the world with my left eye. 

I use my left eye when I use a camera. It's what I look out of when I make art, look at people, work, and do 99% of the things I do.

I don't think about my right eye at all usually. Some situations that have forced me to think consciously about my right eye: -When I was in pre-med, microbiology lab was a big issue for me due to the binocular microscopes.

-Escalators used to make me extremely anxious since my depth of field is limited.

- 3D films give me headaches and make me nauseous because my brain tries to process the visual output with both eyes.

-I absolutely love road trips but cannot drive because of my cortical blindness.

3. I have Type 1 blindsight. 

Blindsight is a peculiar thing to attempt to explain.In fact, I have never even tried to write about it before so bear with me if this doesn't make a lot of sense.

Here is the explanation of blindsight on Wikipedia : “Blindsight is the ability of people who are cortically blind due to lesions in their striate cortex, also known as primary visual cortex or V1, to respond to visual stimuli that they do not consciously see. 

The majority of studies on blindsight are conducted on patients who have the conscious blindness on only one side of their visual field. Following the destruction of the striate cortex, patients are asked to detect, localize, and discriminate amongst visual stimuli that are presented to their blind side, often in a forced-response or guessing situation, even though they do not consciously recognize the visual stimulus. 

Research shows that blind patients achieve a higher accuracy than would be expected from chance alone.Type 1 blindsight is the term given to this ability to guess—at levels significantly above chance—aspects of a visual stimulus (such as location or type of movement) without any conscious awareness of any stimuli. 

Blindsight challenges the common belief that perceptions must enter consciousness to affect our behavior; showing that our behavior can be guided by sensory information of which we have no conscious awareness '' 

I seem to be able to sense people by their movements even without seeing them. I can sense when routine patterns are off by even a tiny amount. This feeling is amplified on my right side. I used to say I felt like I had a version of spidey-sense. When I was officially diagnosed with blindsight, my spidey-sense made totally sense.

If I am close with or around people for a while, I don't even need to look at them with my eyes to see them because I know with pretty good accuracy what is happening around me even if (or especially if) it is happening in my right eye field of 'vision'. 

If I am really into / crushing on someone and around them for any length of time my blindsight is even more intense when it comes to sensing their presence and movements. Blindsight can't be switched on or off. The intensity seems to differ depending on circumstance, surroundings, and even connection to people. It isn't ideal all the time since it just makes me feel hyper-aware of people and myself which then makes me retreat super awkwardly since I also have social anxiety. Fun :/

3. I call my right eye vision: colored glass world. 

I don't always see or visit colored glass world. In fact, most of the time, there is no conscious awareness of colored glass world. 

This is the closest image I could find to show what it kind of looks like (however, I can see shapes and light):

Unlike blindsight, I can absolutely go into colored glass world at will or I slip into colored glass world when these circumstances occur:

-When I am really tired or when I daydream I tend to slip into right eye vision because it feels soothing to escape into colored glass world.

-When I am super happy. 

-When I play piano I get into a flow state and colored glass world meshes well with this state. I have played classical piano since I was 3 years old and used to specifically memorize long pieces of music just to play the music while in colored glass world.

4. That ear question the ophthalmologist asked me wasn't totally out of left field.

It's not so odd to have a dominant side when it comes to sight and hearing when cortical blindness occurs in one eye. I can hear out of my right ear but it's just slightly different in a way that I can't quite explain. my left ear. I am hyper-sensitive to sound.

I also tilt my head to the right when speaking with people as if I am presenting my good eye and ear. Once people know this about me, they can't unsee it. 

5.The irony of the fact that I ended up in careers that rely entirely on my vision is not lost on me.

I am currently a photo director and producer at Vox Media for Curbed. I am also a photographer who does commissioned art for games, film, books, and other media and have had two photography books published.

My second book, NY in the Snow, was the culmination of seven years of going out into every major snowstorm in New York City to translate into art all the feelings of isolation, nostalgia, and loneliness I felt while surrounded by the vast snow-filled cityscapes.

I never wrote about my vision in the book. In fact, it only occurred to me when the book released in stores and I was actively promoting it, that my snow photography was the closest way I ever came to showing everyone else how my right eye vision meshes with my left eye vision.

I spent hours waiting for the right combination of people and cars to enter the stormy backdrops.

Did I ever slip into colored glass world while shooting and editing the images during that time period? 

All the time. 

6. I finally got glasses this weekend.

After I was diagnosed with cortical blindness, I was told that all the years of headaches were due to constantly putting a thick prescription in front of my right eye. It was forcing my brain to try to adjust to the prescription. and just led to misery.

However, years later, my left eye definitely has deteriorated a tiny bit.

Having insurance again meant a visit to a new eye doctor and glasses with a prescription only in the left lens to eliminate any headache issues.

Here are my new glasses yesterday (this image was taken for Instagram stories which flips images, this is clearly flipped). 

It's nice to have glasses with no prescription in my right eye.

My right eye is just fine as is.

[sgurrdearg]

Do you ever just. Fucking cry. Lmao.

I’m in SUCH a state of flux right now and it feels like.... it feels like a big crush or a whirlwind romance so I’m miserable and yearning but filled with so much happiness and HOPE and it’s really really fucking overwhelming and I’m doing my best to take a step back as much as I can???? Not sure that’s totally possible I’m ALL UP IN IT but I’m doing my best to think clearly and come up with plans A B C etc etc.

I just. I did talk about this in the tags yesterday but I just wanna type it out bc I find that helps me work thru my thoughts best of all. But when I left uni, I was severely suicidal, convinced that all my health issues were my fault/me overreacting, and then I had to face returning to a previously abusive home, or staying where I was & possibly being made homeless & almost certainly dying one way or another just to get a degree that wouldn’t even be worth it with the grades I was getting bc of the state I was in.

And I was resolute in that I would never return, Dundee was the worst place on earth and all of it was a mistake. But you know, with time and distance, maturing, and putting in the hard work of doing DBT on my own, I came to realise gradually that no, I was thankful to have been given the chance to discover hobbies that were previously inaccessible to me, and I still had love for them. I was thankful to have discovered subjects I still loved a lot (even if I thought myself too stupid to be worthy of them). I was thankful even to have been given the chance to BE disillusioned, to have bad shitty choices I made as a shitty 17 year old slap me in the face and realise that I done fucked up, that no I did have morals and I had to recentre the way I had *thought* the world worked to that and accept that it’s ok to be wrong, and to grow, and be disgusted with your past self. It’s a brutal lesson and I’m ashamed I had to learn it, but it gives me the insight and drive now to do better, even more so than if I hadn’t taken this path.

Ever since I left I’ve regularly had... nightmares? I guess? About being back in my flat, or a different living space, but back at Dundee, back at uni. Sometimes they definitely are nightmares and stress dreams, and other times..... they’ve been stressful and more than a little unpleasant but... there was a wistfulness to them. There was part of me in those dreams that knew it was worth it? And I wanted to be there. And I would wake up with such an aching in my heart, and would put it down to past trauma and that was that.

Because also, I was SO ill when I came back here, that it was a no go. I was NOT able to ever go back even if I had wanted to, and so I got to skip over the closure and processing part of it because it was just.... stamped and filed away for me. It was a life or death decision and I grew to be glad I chose life, even if it did mean being bedridden & housebound forever.

But now, in the past year and a bit.... my life has changed. Discovering I had Coeliac was a major adjustment but actually having answers and treatment and the validation that yes, I was ILL soothed my mind, and body has healed so much. I got on anxiety medication to tackle the PTSD and anxiety that has been plaguing me that my DBT couldn’t handle alone and it works, it actually fucking works I don’t get in a tizzy about every little thing, I actually barely have flashback nightmares any more, and I’m so much better at handling triggers. It’s not perfect but with time it will improve more and it’s WORKABLE.

I have energy and I have life, my mind is clear. I still struggle with ADHD and losing focus, but my doctor has recommended a specialist I could see privately who could help more efficiently than thru the NHS (because we barely have MH services where I live, it’s the worst in the country), to enable me to get proper support and medication for that last little helping hand I need to get my brain ON THE RAILS.

So since I’ve been better I’ve been getting involved in community activism, completely inspired and spurred on by my dear friend, and I’ve been loving it so far even tho I’ve barely begun! And beginning to see a life for me here.

And that’s where it’s all unravelling, really. Because. My life isn’t here. I’ve been in purgatory for five years. I never truly wanted to be back here, I just missed my pets and my parents (for all their faults, but we have all worked SO SO HARD to tackle our issues head on, and I’m proud of it. I don’t think it’s a path I would recommend for most people but I’m lucky in that my mum genuinely didn’t mean bad, and genuinely wanted to do better and put that work in. We have bad blips extremely fucking rarely because our communication is fucking SOLID now. I love them so much, they are my best pals.) and even though I can see myself being friends with the people I have in my life now and truly loving and being fulfilled with the volunteering and activism, and finding connections to get myself some fulfilling and flexible paid work too.... it isn’t home. And I’m the sort of person who doesn’t really have a “home” but. It’s not a place I like to hang out in, part of which is past trauma here, I’m always terrified I will see my abuser, but also, it’s never been a place I loved, even as a teen with actual hangout spots in the city, even as an adult with favourite shops, I feel no ache for them, no nostalgia, this place means almost nothing to me. I was in my old favourite record store a few months ago and it WAS lovely and made my week... but idk. I didn’t feel “it”. And I’m not saying that simply pursuing nebulous feelings and emotions is a smart thing to do, and I’m not basing a life choice on it totally, but when I put my foot down and made the choice to go on a day trip to Dundee back in 2018... it felt like ... open arms. It had barely changed, but even the parts that had I was excited to explore! I saw people I had once known and even talked to one and it hurt my heart but it was GOOD it was HEALING and I felt even then that, oh I could have stayed longer.

But again I just, didn’t pay too much mind to that beyond me being brave and facing my past and my regrets and putting that all in order in my mind, and just put all my emotions down to it being a really BIG thing. But now I’m back as a human being, I’m out there in meetings, I’m writing things up for people, emailing and networking and sending enquiries, talking about projects and talking about hillwalking at random??? And Scottish politics... and meeting new people and telling them my life story over and over has just been drumming it in. That I genuinely miss it. That this was once my life, but in a very different city and environment, and I miss it. I miss the worst parts of it that I know very clearly I would still hate and find hard, I miss the absolute best parts of it, that fill me with so much euphoria I could burst, I miss the quiet nondescript moments that I only remember because I have the memory of an elephant, like sitting folding leaflets on the sofa in the corner of the geography department. Filling in the attendance register and passing it around. Buying snacks for a field trip. Making the monthly walk to go pay rent. Treating myself to a pot of tea while I read my textbook in the café. Feeling homesick and depressed and exhausted, sobbing in front of a taxidermed otter at the museum. I want my worst moments there more than I want my best moments here and I’m frightened that I’m falling into a grass is greener thing, or that I’m romantisising past misery, or that I’m simply nervous about this new life I’m settling into...

But when I look back over the years, the voice quietly thinking or saying “I miss it and I want to go back, I want this life back” has always been saying it. My brain bricked her up to protect me when thinking that was futile, but she’s been growing louder and louder to a crescendo and now, with me being able to put the energy into things here, I can no longer use the excuse that finishing my degree isn’t possible. Because, it is. In theory. And with all of my brain thinking that just once it’s like that wall has come crashing down and this voice is now SCREAMING “I Miss It and I Want To Go Back, I WANT MY LIFE BACK” and I cannot ignore it.

I don’t know if it IS financially possible yet and I need to find it all out before I go nuts but, I’ve discussed it with my parents, and we have plans. It’s possibly possible and that HURTS my heart in a way that only true love and passion can and I just hope. I hope I’m going home. I think I’m doing it for the right reasons, I think I’m ready and at the rate I’m improving health wise I will absolutely be ready when the time comes, whether I can hop in this September or next. I just hope I can get it all ironed out. I want to go home.

#blethering