#every facet of society is set up to make life that much more difficult for the unproductive

[indigo-scarf]

🎀Pansy, My Beloved Mean Girl🎀

Although her goth-grunge haircut in the PoA film turned fanon!Pansy into an edgy badass, book!Pansy is a caricature of the girly mean girl.

Pansy bursts “[into] tears” over Draco's hippogriff injury, and later “simpers” at him; she wears “very frilly robes of pale pink” to the Yule Ball; she “shrieks” and “giggles” at cruel jokes; she spreads gossip about the Golden Trio's love life.

However, what sets Pansy Parkinson apart from the more celebrated mean girls is that Pansy is completely one-dimensional. While others — Kate Sanders, Sharpay Evans, Regina George, Blair Waldorf — are allowed to be charismatic, attractive, powerful, vulnerable, Pansy is only presented as annoying, “pug-faced” (i.e. an ugly bitch), and “thicker than a concussed troll”.

While other works examine the motives and the secret pains of the mean girl — distant families, insecurities, lack of true friends, pent-up rage — Pansy is simply mean, because she is. You’re not meant to see her as a human being at all; Pansy is an effigy to be burnt.

In the words of JKR herself:

I loathe Pansy Parkinson. [...] She's every girl who ever teased me at school. She's the Anti-Hermione. I loathe her.

So, if Pansy Parkinson is so unlikeable, why do I like her?

🎀 First, because she is girly.

The construction and treatment of Pansy’s character fits what’s termed “demonisation of hyperfemininity”: a trend in media to associate girly girls with villainy, spite, and everything not nice, often in opposition to a virtuous Not Like Other Girls girl (such as Hermione).

If this concept has been used (rightfully, imo) to discuss the mean girls I described above as multi-faceted, then Pansy’s lack of nuance hyperdemonises hyperfemininity. Even her name itself is an insult used to deprecate femininity.

Once you’re aware of this trope, though, it’s not difficult to separate the hyperfeminine wheat from the demonic chaff. There is no doubt that Pansy has condemnable traits, but must every trait of hers be condemned? Is it shameful to pursue your crush, giggle, and like pink frills? Of course not.

For years I thought it was, but now, in the era of bimbocore and barbiecore, I am finally overcoming that internalised prejudice and reviving the girly part of me I had repressed. Now, I really enjoy exploring the positive side of Pansy’s girliness: she’s affectionate, bubbly, interested in cute aesthetics (and in my mind she knows all about beauty products). 💋 Second, because she is mean.

At the same time, observing that a part of Pansy is unjustly maligned doesn’t warrant downplaying her flaws. Just as Sharpay is self-obsessed and manipulative, Pansy is a bigot and a bully. But I love that in a fictional character.

I admit her canon taunts are pretty insipid; you can’t make a “Pansy Parkinson being iconic” quote compilation. Nonetheless, I can only see her wanton meanness towards other girls as a sign of insecurity, which I find sympathetic and relatable — even if JKR refuses to give Pansy any humanity, I simply do not believe that she is the way she is for no reason.

I think Pansy has the need to put others down so much because she doesn’t know how else to feel good about herself — the insipidness of her bullying actually makes her seem even more like someone who lashes out out of desperation for assurance, even if she herself may be in denial about that.

Pansy was probably taught, both by our patriarchal society and by her own individual upbringing, that she had impossible standards to conform to and that other girls were her competitors. 

Indeed, many of Pansy’s insults focus on the appearance of her female peers — beauty standards being the most obvious tool of the system to make women hate themselves and each other.

On top of that, I imagine Pansy’s mother must be overly critical of her and of everyone else too, instilling in Pansy a lack of self-confidence and modelling viciousness as acceptable behaviour — things Mrs. Parkinson herself must have learnt from her own trajectory under patriarchy.

It’s the tragic old cycle of hurt women hurting women, which so many of us end up being part of in one way or another.

Plus, in general, I relate strongly to any character who is an insecure little bastard. I admit it: I have a fragile self-esteem and I’ve always struggled with envy and urges to seek validation in toxic ways. Although I've got a lot better at dealing with these feelings, I love to see a character who makes me feel less alone in my issues.

Lastly, Pansy’s meanness is just fun to write. I find it a fun exercise to come up with the most egregious things for someone to say or do in (fan)fiction. 🌸 Third, because JKR hates her too much.

There are many criticisms Pansy undeniably deserves, but JKR goes beyond those, which makes me feel compassion for the girl.

Exhibit A:

On her old website, JKR once made a post called “For Girls Only, Probably,” which discusses incidents that made her reflect on “being thin”, or “the issue of size and women”.

Besides the hypocrisy of her writing that without addressing the rampant fatphobia in the Harry Potter books, the post itself is full of misogynistic clichés and, once again, demonisation of hyperfemininity.

In the first paragraphs, after assuming (yikes) that a girl on a magazine has an eating disorder and body-shaming her (“her concave stomach, protruding ribs and stick-like arms”), JKR concludes:

This girl needs help, but, the world being what it is, they're sticking her on magazine covers instead.

If you squint, there could be a salvageable point there about toxic beauty standards being pushed by the media, but by the end of the article that is lost in victim-blaming and derision:

[Pink’s] latest single, ‘Stupid Girls’, is the antidote-anthem for everything I had been thinking about women and thinness. ‘Stupid Girls’ satirises the talking toothpicks held up to girls as role models: those celebrities whose greatest achievement is un-chipped nail polish, whose only aspiration seems to be getting photographed in a different outfit nine times a day, whose only function in the world appears to be supporting the trade in overpriced handbags and rat-sized dogs.

[...] I don't want [my daughters] to be empty-headed, self-obsessed, emaciated clones; I'd rather they were independent, interesting, idealistic, kind, opinionated, original, funny – a thousand things, before 'thin'. And frankly, I'd rather they didn't give a gust of stinking chihuahua flatulence whether the woman standing next to them has fleshier knees than they do. Let my girls be Hermiones, rather than Pansy Parkinsons. Let them never be Stupid Girls.

Excessive preoccupation with weight is a ubiquitous feature of a fair few 2000s mean girls — Regina and Blair, of course — but the character JKR’s rhetoric most reminds me of is Shelby Cummings from A Cinderella Story. You know, the one who asks, “What can I get here that has no sugar, no carbs, and is fat free?”

That film puts a lot of emphasis on food as a marker of a woman's morality: while Hilary Duff's Sam is a good-natured, booksmart tomboy who loves greasy cheeseburgers, Shelby is portrayed as a vapid, spiteful girly girl obsessed with dieting.

Hyperfemininity, shallowness, cruelty, and weight concern are all framed as parts of the same contemptible character flaw. Liking beauty and fashion equals being dumb and bitchy; body image issues are an individual moral defect, not a response to hurtful social pressures.

That is exactly the same unfair treatment JKR’s post gives both Pansy and real life “Stupid Girls”, which drives me to side with Pansy. In fact, because of this blog post, I've started headcanoning Pansy as not only being insecure about her appearance, but also struggling specifically with her weight and with disordered eating/an eating disorder — one more element that increases her relatability.

Exhibit B:

The quote cited earlier is from an interview where JKR was asked who Draco had married, and if it had been Pansy. Her full answer:

No! God, it wasn't Pansy Parkinson. I loathe Pansy Parkinson. I don't love Draco but I really dislike her. She's every girl who ever teased me at school. She's the Anti-Hermione. I loathe her. Yeah, sorry! Sidetracked there by my latent bitterness. He married Astoria Greengrass.

Essentially, marrying Pansy is a punishment too harsh even for Draco, because while he is bad, she is worse — but how is Pansy worse than Draco?

As school bullies, they often act together, but Draco’s insults are arguably harsher: Pansy targets appearance and we never see her say “Mudblood”. Draco often mocks Harry’s orphan status and grief, plus uses the word “Mudblood” 15 times (I counted lol). They both abuse their power as prefects, both join the Inquisitorial Squad and try to take down the D.A.

In the war, Pansy clamours for Harry to be handed to Voldemort. Draco enthusiastically becomes a Death Eater, attempts murder twice (necklace, mead), lets Death Eaters and a feral werewolf into Hogwarts, and actually tries to capture Harry to hand him to Voldemort (right before the Fiendfyre).

Not to mention, Pansy is the one always treating Draco like a king and being used or led on — which she puts up with for years. He accepts her affection when it suits him and never reciprocates, yet she remains loyal to him.

If anything, Pansy is too good for Draco. If anything, instead of being sentenced to “not getting the guy”, Pansy should dump Draco.

(Though to me they are both problematic faves & I ship them fixing their relationship <3)

But no, the bad girly girl must remain irredeemable and be punished for it, while the more charismatic bad guy is allowed depth, self-improvement, and happiness.

JKR’s personal trauma with Pansy-like classmates might be a factor in her bias, but the way this bias affects her writing still results in choices that come across as illogical and sexist. 💗 Fourth, because she is a scorned woman.

That said, Pansy’s chasing an emotionally unavailable boy is relatable, and makes for a kind of story I’m interested in (and also contributes to why I believe she has self-esteem issues). However, I have mixed feelings about its canonical ending: on one hand, it’s infuriating; on the other, it’s an effectively moving tragedy.

I don’t like love triangles between a shining Refined Woman and an utterly contemptible Obnoxious Woman, and I tend to root for the latter. I don’t see myself in the glass slippers of the victor; I get horrified at the nightmare of being labelled a despicable failure and being replaced by some perfect, virtuous, better woman.

In Pansy’s specific case, it’s doubly frustrating, because there is some unrecognised good (or at least neutral) in her, and she is flawed in precisely the ways I connect with. Meanwhile, Astoria is much harder for me to like, since her main trait and sole reason to exist is “being better than Pansy” — as per the interview above, JKR was the first to define Drastoria by Pansy bashing.

Astoria is barely a character; she’s a mere tool in Pansy’s punishment and Draco’s redemption, which is doing Astoria dirty, too. Astoria and Pansy are both scenery in Draco's journey — and it’s a bit rich that Pansy is the Corruption-upon-Styx from which he must distance himself, given that his offences are greater than hers.

Another facet of Pansy’s punishment is that she couldn’t marry Draco because she shouldn’t be a mother.

Exaltation of motherhood is a huge theme in Harry Potter: the motherly love of Lily, Molly, and even Narcissa is a great force against evil. Plus, nearly all Light Side women either are (or become) mothers, or have a caretaking role as school teachers.

Being childfree, on the flipside, is stigmatised by its association with the worst female antagonists: Rita Skeeter and Umbridge, who are also hyperfeminine, and Bellatrix — the latter directly defeated by Molly's love for her daughter. The only exception is Petunia, yet another hyperfeminine antagonist, who represents a perversion of motherhood.

So, in this reactionary framework, of course Pansy was forbidden to have children. Childlessness is her burden for being an irredeemably bad woman, which in turn reinforces how bad a woman she is. Inversely, Astoria gets to be a mother because she is a good woman, and motherhood makes her even better (than Pansy).

Paradoxically, though, as much as I hate JKR’s approach to this whole thing, I’m glad my OTP Dransy isn’t canon endgame, because Pansy’s thoroughly whumped figure is even more compelling for it.

I can’t blame anyone if, even considering all this, Pansy is still not their cup of tea — after all, she was created to be as unpalatable as possible. But despite JKR’s efforts to convince me to hate the character, everything about Pansy Parkinson ends up making her very much my cup of pink strawberry hot chocolate.

#pansy parkinson #hp meta #femininity #hyperfemininity #feminism #bimbocore #my stuff

[elinciarune]

So I have been slowly but surely playing variable barricade and have been able to finish the common route and Nayuta’s route after a couple of months, and now I want to write everything in my mind before moving on completely to Shion XD

Possible spoilers ahead 🙈

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To sum it up, I have been enjoying this game so much, it is really shaping up to be my favourite otome game! (Sorry Hakuouki you are still special and dear to me, but yeah, I’m being objective here XD)

At first, I was wary and kept my expectations low because the reviews were quite mixed. And I was entering the game assuming it is pure romantic comedy. I won’t lie at the first couple of chapters, the more slice of life-y tone that has some comedy sprinkled left me waiting for the rom-com to kick in Ouran-style, but the moment I appreciated and drilled in the idea that this game is indeed more of a slice of life, character-study kind of story, I immediately started enjoying the common route immensely!

The dialogue is top-notch, the character interactions are so good, and the characters themselves are multi-faceted and feel so real in a good way.

The common route was enjoyable from start to finish, every sentence and piece of dialogue I enjoyed.

Of course, Hibari herself has a huge role to play in this. She was thrusted in a very extreme and difficult situation from her point of view, so every thing she has said or done (including her ‘bratty’ attitude) totally makes sense and perfectly portray a 17 yr old teenager.

Plus she’s cute, really really cute, protect my baby at all cost 😤

So yeah overall I have been hooked😆🤝

Now for Nayuta’s route, I like genki, himbo guys so was looking forward to his route, and it perfectly delivered. I like how in the beginning, Hibari, as a way to work upon making sense of her choice of him, creates this scenario of him being her guardian and acts like a typical teenage girl who falls in love, and despite this shattering because of how oblivious and one track minded he is, her pursuing of him actually caused a huge ripple in his very straightforward simplistic world, where he sets on one thing and clings unto achieving it despite everything else.

That gets me to the fact that he was described as ‘selfish’. Which was a really interesting way to describe him. And yeah that one track mindedness of his and straightforwardness makes him put his own desires first and foremost and in a way he is ‘selfish’. But interestingly, as I said, the ripple caused by Hibari led to him gradually maturing in a way that uses such straightforward and ‘selfish’ thinking in a way that is more balanced.

In fact, I think him being ‘selfish’ is not bad at all! It means that his desires, when being directed towards becoming better and to also be and support those whom he loves, is actually much more better than a ‘selfless’ person who might put societies needs above theirs and would consequently get hurt or even hurt those around them.

So as his route progresses, I liked how he gradually started cherishing Hibari as someone dear to him for personal reasons, not idealistic ones, and he redirected his guardian skills in a way that made him perceptive of Hibari’s needs and compared to the beginning of the route, he became much more understanding.

By the end, the same one track mindedness that is an inherent part of his personality as well as the ‘selfishness’ became the drive for him to fulfil his desire to help Hibari and to be with her.

So 10/10 XD

Now to continue Shion 🤌

#variable barricade #nayuta yagami #yagami nayuta #otome #otome game #english otome #tojo hibari #hibari tojo #varibari

[bbq-hawks-wings]

Title Here so I can talk about Shouto: 351-353, Part Two

Oh hey! The manga's good again!!! But anyway-

SHOOOOOOUTOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Now listen, for a while I know a lot of people were really concerned about how Hori would set up the final conflict between these two, but - listen! No, listen - it's actually really good. Or at least I'm going to argue why it's good from a storytelling perspective.

The character drama portion of this fight is phenomenal because the characters are all aligned exactly where they should be. I don't know if I could more reasonably balance everything. We have power set/limits, motivation to see the fight through, and individual motivation for being in the fight to begin with to consider when it comes to approaching it.

Dabi has the max fire power limit known of all three at the time. He also has no care or consideration for his life and so personal preservation limits are not a concern for him. Whoever goes up against him will have to have the power set, durability, and drive to put Dabi down for good or he'll just keep coming back.

Endeavor can't match Dabi's firepower, nor does he have the strength of heart to put down the twisted phantom his son has become. If Endeavor were to face Dabi, he would lose. While he would be personally deserving of it, Japan needs him alive so he can face threats facing all of them. Someone else has to do it.

Enter Shouto: Willing, able, and determined to see this difficult task through. The entire conflict with Dabi is different from his perspective. He's not detached from it - far from it, but even with the talk of sharing hot noodles with his brother he seems to be able to separate the different facets of this conflict. Yes, this is his brother, and his family, and Toya was born directly into the torment they all endured of which Dabi was a direct result. As someone who went through that and could see himself becoming another Dabi in another life, Shouto genuinely feels sympathy for Toya.

However, he also recognizes that Dabi - who by Dabi's own admission is not the same person as Toya - is a mass murderer and existential threat to humanity as a whole at this point by virtue of being such a powerful opponent directly aiding AFO and Shigaraki in their wanton destruction of society. Shouto understands that his first priority is the safety of everyone else, and he won't be emotionally compromised about it. Nevertheless, he'll try to understand Dabi and get closure as much as he reasonably can, if at all possible.

Understandably, Dabi doesn't want any of it. He wants to taunt and get a rise out of Shouto to see him suffer while he kills him out of spite, and he tries everything he can think of to do it. He attacks Shouto's character, calling him his father's ideal puppet. He attacks his ideals as being one of those kids who admire All Might but nonetheless runs to the safety of those stronger than him to protect him in UA. He attacks Shouto for being gifted with all the things one could think of to be powerful and successful, and yet he struggled to find himself and get his feet under him for a very long time; and in the meantime he had to lean on a lot of people, even to their own detriment. Dabi, every single time, attempts to make Shouto feel weak, inferior, and despair.

Yet every single time, Shouto has an answer for it because he's already had to face all of these accusations from having lobbed them against himself, first. He's already asked himself the hard questions about where he is, where he's been, where he's going, what he wants, what he's going to do, how he's gong to do it, and why he's going to do it that way - so he can counter Dabi's attempts to get under his skin; and that gave him the advantage he needed to be able to simply face the ghost of his brother head on.

He didn't show up to fight Dabi because he's his father's perfect mini-me; he's there because he wanted to stop Dabi from continuing his rampage because he truly aspires to the ideals of altruistic heroism that All Might embodied for him as a child. He also needed and does need the help of others, especially in the beginning when he was so lost in his pain that he forgot something as fundamental as the fact that he was his own person. But because his friends cared about him, and were patient with him, and gave him encouragement and room to grow and make mistakes, he got better and he got stronger; and with that in mind and the love and gratitude he has for his friends and support network he determined to put that new strength to use with a move of his own creation, specially designed to save everyone he loved from Dabi...

And how does he do it?

He embraced both halves of his abilities, using them in tandem with everything he's learned about his own power, and insulates his internal organs while stoking a charge of cold to expel instead of heat - starting by focusing on his heart. Don't mind me cryin' in the club.

This battle was equal parts a deeply personal turmoil for both brothers, but they both understood that the conflict had already grown far beyond just the two of them and their family history. This was a heated battle of ideals for the literal fate of the world with these brothers representing each side. That conflict was always personal, and it was always deeply painful and emotional for both of them; but it needed to end, and the die had been cast, and someone was going to lose in the process, and it was Shouto who was stronger and won in the end because he was the one who overcame himself and his pain.

AND THAT IS HOW YOU DO EPIC SHONEN FIGHTS WRAPPED IN OODLES OF CHARACTER DRAMA!!!!!!!!!

The Todoroki family drama has a lot of ups and downs in this series, but this is easily my top 3 moments of their interpersonal conflicts without a doubt! 😩👌

#bnha reviews #she speaks #bnha 351 #bnha 353 #bnha 352 #bnha chapter review #let's talk dabi

[asterl8lee]

Hello.

People are like houses. Or crystals. They have many faces, many rooms, many crevices, many facets. This blog is just one of mine. I have so many pieces of myself that feel like they don't belong anywhere in the world, or even my world, so they simmer in my body waiting to die. But they won't get the chance to die because they are eternal. Holding it inside is a melancholy torture.

I tried integrating this part of me in my art business and my day-to-day life and it just isn't working that way. Be authentic and open they say! My art business seems to be... shadow banned in every way which is the opposite of what I want. It backfires every time trying to express this part of myself publicly. I'll admit, I've embarrassed myself more than once sharing something that doesn't belong in the eyes of an audience that can see my face. I've embarrassed myself by sharing these parts of me with people who cannot fathom them and end up abandoning me after opening my heart so tenderly. Not everyone wants to hear the deep happenings inside my head. The deep pain that longs to be heard, listened to. The emotions that stir within me. Even the pure, magical parts believe it or not! Memories from past lives, parallel even. Inside resides a cosmic traveler who seems to have been everywhere, yet her stories could never be shared. This surface world is hard to penetrate, these feelings inside want to be told yet who is even there to listen? Common folk might not be able to grasp the intensity of the deepest person I am. And that's fine, she just needs a place to live. This part of me longs to be heard without criticism, unsolicited advice from others, or put-me-downs. It is fragile and soft and just needs a safe place to live. I realize the internet isn't the best place for that... but maybe this anonymous blog will prove me wrong.

Last year I forbade myself from talking publicly about any of this. My shadows, my cosmic facets, my emotions, my feelings, my past. It hasn't been easy keeping all of this inside, but it has helped me reintegrate into society & social settings after my dad suddenly passed away. I couldn't bring my past or emotions into a new life for myself, which is what was holding me back from making friends and genuine connections in the new town I chose to live in.

I lost the one person who I could trust with my inner-self. When my dad died I went through so much grief, loss, guilt, and shame inside while also contemplating my difficult childhood. I felt abandoned even though I don't blame him for abandoning me. We were one of the same, this deep sort of person, and we were each other's rocks when it came to sharing the deepest parts of ourselves. Maybe I'll talk about this later sometime.

Before he died, I lived far from home and was already starting to isolate myself from society. I like to live on the edge of society, barely being a part of it because frankly it is totally fucked as we know it. I like to live on the edge, I like to go out and live the best life I can imagine for myself and at that time it was living in the middle of a spiritual desert town, wandering the silent trails aimlessly to chat with my soul. She told me so much and I was (and still am) bursting at the seams to share.

I like to live on the edge of what is normal, so I will go and live an alternative lifestyle that is generally shunned by society, and frankly everyone I'm related to. They all love me, but nobody will ever engage with me about the things that set my soul on fire. I'm invisible, or perhaps the elephant in the room. They want what's best for me in their eyes, but cannot imagine the best through my own and therefore don't support me. It's not their fault, it is what it is. I still feel outcast though.

I have a bachelor's degree but haven't worked a "real job," ever. My main jobs have been on organic farms, but I've worked at car washes, was a math tutor, housekeeper, window washer, amongst other things. I've lived off grid two times, once in a rustic cabin and once in a 1978 Hop Cat RV. Boondocking is one of my favorite past times, living on public land in a tent. Sometimes the car was home. Other times I'd do work exchange so I didn't have to have a wage job and could live rent free. Right now I am living in a cabin and paying rent with some of my inheritance just to maintain my simple lifestyle. I feel shameful for this sometimes because I am just using someone else's hard earned money. I try to rationalize that with remembering my difficult childhood with a parent who was addicted to anti-depressants, not by choice, and me being his 24/7 therapist. When it comes down to it, it is what it is, and I don't need to explain myself to others to validate my lifestyle.

I'll be moving into a camper and rambling around the country again soon. It is pure insanity how much people have to pay just to exist on this planet that they may not want to be on. Sometimes I experience existential crises thinking about this. So I try to live minimally and simplify life as much as I can, the stress & expectations of the modern world can be too much for me. Even though being nomadic has its downsides, I am excited to live in something nice and new (that my partner and I worked so hard to earn for ourselves) and travel to my favorite places while exploring new ones.

When it comes down to it, I'm a writer, and I need to write for my soul's sake. Otherwise I'll wither and die, like a pallid rose forgotten in a shady forest. On a north slope that gets no sun. (my current cabin situation) I haven't been writing and my normal places are no longer safe, so here I am, anonymously posting on Tumblr. Aster isn't my real name, it is the name of one of my favorite flowers that reminds me of the constellation Pleiades, each bush reminiscent of a thousand twinkling stars. Asters are dear to me. I speak the language of flowers, my soul whispered "Aster, aster" to me as I'd drift off to sleep.

I don't even care if anyone reads this blog, because ultimately it is for me to just get these things out so they'll stop holding me back from my personal growth and success. I really don't want to share this blog with anyone in my personal life, I don't want a face to the storyteller right now. This is the best way I could think to express myself and my story shamelessly.

If you made it this far, thank you for reading.

Aster

#deepthougths #writing #storytelling

[kickingupdust]

Virtual Diary Entry #9

Its been a while. I have been trying to clear my head. Typing all of my thoughts seemed like a good idea, maybe it’d help me organize them, but no… it did not do that. 

I broke up with B, he has bad news written all over him even though I really love him. Or, do I?

I have thought a lot about that, about if I have really loved these people I have fallen and tried so hard for. Did I really love them? Or did I just love the approval and validation they gave me? 

Its hard to know what real love is when you have never experienced it. Or when you have been experiencing it this whole time and just didn’t know. I have realized that real love sucks. Its extremely taxing and not rewarding. It's an ego game. How good can I feel about myself because I have made others feel better? 

Regardless, its only been about two days and I really miss him. I am sure it will subside with time but it does still suck. Its allowed to suck, just not for too long. No need to dwell on someone that only caused me pain. Well, no, let me stop being ungrateful and minimizing and be honest. 

He taught me more about myself in 3 months than I’d been able to realize through years and years of soul searching. 

He was definitely a lesson. 

I have realized I would love anything so long as it paid attention to me. I am just so sick and tired of being invalidated and minimized. I have been shown so little love that I’ll take it in any form it greets me in. Which is not good. Well, maybe to some. Probably to most. 

Boundaries are the single most important thing in life. Ok thats an overstatement but they are extremely important, and I am not good at them. I don’t yet know how to be truly nice and kind. I am trying my best to be benevolent, and remembering that benevolence sometimes must border on maleficence because sometimes doing the bad is the only way to achieve the good in the long run. 

I have a tendency to not give anything I say any merit. So much so that I just don’t say anything. 

Like with this blog, I started it with high hopes of understanding myself better and loving myself better, and organizing my thoughts. And really all it did was give me another reason to hate myself. No one even looks at this, and the simple fact that someone COULD unsettles me to my core. Yet, I still post. 

I have this relationship with myself where I know I must experience discomfort and do things that the rational me may think are bad ideas. They normally are bad ideas, but sometimes you have to have a couple bad ideas. I always forget that you have to fail first. And it shocks and rocks me every time. I know that things change. Yet I am still shaken by change, to an unhealthy degree.  A mindbending ego shattering degree. 

For a while I believe I was just my shadow. 

I wasnt even really here, and nobody cared that I wasn’t. Is it their responsibility to care? Would I have noticed were it someone else? 

I would like to think that I would have, but theres really no way to be sure. 

I just feel really alone. Like I am the only one of my kind, sometimes. Theres so much I do not understand. Things people do for love. Things people do for hate. 

I had been in excruciating mental pain up until recently. I am beginning to liberate myself from the standards society (and my parents) have set for me. It is just quite difficult when you still live with your father and he is one of your biggest haters. Virgos have this things where they cannot give constructive criticism, theyre just flat out hate on you or make you uncomfortable because something you did made them uncomfortable. Very entitled and angry people. Just like me. 

I have been getting more into Vedic astrology recently vs, western. I find I resonate with the traditional practice a bit more, though there are more facets to it. It's deeper and more complicated but I do not mind a challenge. 

I have been setting some arbitrary goals for material items that I want. Nothing else really matters to me. What the fuck am I going to do with achievements? Nobody is going to praise me for what I deserve anyway. They're going to say good job, I bet you could do even better. How about just a good job. I don't need to be any better. 

What I do need to be is less bitter. Because I am quite a lot of that. 

B made me realize how bitter I am. 

I think a large reason why I am so bitter is because of how intelligent I am. I am able to see all of my shortcomings, especially in comparison to others. And I am able to see others shortcomings, and mine in them, and it makes me not want to be around anyone. If something someone is doing or saying doesn’t align with my values I almost instantaneously devalue them in some way. They’ll lose points in empathy or something. Like if someone says something shitty about animals and how they should be treated or something like that, I am immediately inclined to think they don’t have respect for any life form lower than themselves and thus they have some sort of superiority complex, and don’t respect nature. When it is literally not that deep. Some people just do not understand the concept of animals not being objects because they have no experience with them. And I think that is kinda what its like putting myself out into the world. People don’t know how to deal with me because they have never had to deal with something quite like it before. But its like a bad thing. Not totally bad, because sometimes I can be fun or offer up something good. But the bad parts of me instill so much fear in people that it makes me feel like a freak and an outcast. Thats why I cant share my art, my closest friends and loved ones rarely have anything to say about it because it doesnt fit what they have decided I am.

But who cares, right? NO need to do that. B taught me that good. What I think doesn’t matter, and neither does what you think. 

Funnily enough, that doesn’t stop me from wanting to be heard. I guess some people really do think the world revolves around them (ahem, me). I am not proud of it but it is important that I realize and accept that I live a very me-centric life, while constantly complaining that I dont get enough this or that. I will probably never be satisfied, and thats something i just need to accept. 

It says alot about me, though Im not really sure what. I wont settle and somehow its a bad thing. 

That attitude I have is exactly my problem though. I am a walking contradiction. And I have finally stopped thinking there is anything I can do about it. If I am not your cup of tea I am simply not your cup of tea. 

I dont like plenty of teas. Like peppermint. It seems like itd be so good but its just horrible. Maybe I thought that because my taste buds were all of out whack due to covid and then the long covid), but theres really no way of knowing. I wish people treated me how I treat peppermint tea. I absolutely hated it, spit it out, and immediately poured it down the sink drain after trying it, but I’d still try it again.

I'm just bad at first impressions.

#rant #infj #heartbreak #deep thoughts #diary #infjproblems #infj thoughts #letting go #journaling #self healing #asd

[transcendentalmaggot]

(This is just me screaming about living with a disability in our present hell and being in a constant state of precarity with everyone asking when I’m going to “get better”)

Finally received approval of my temporary disability from January... and only for January. The paperwork was delayed due to a combination of me being incredibly ill and my HR department not sending the paperwork when they told me they did, but I didn’t expect it to take this long. The approval, received on March 26th, also included a request to submit additional paperwork for approval of February’s payment. I had already called and emailed my case worker to confirm they received the February paperwork weeks ago but I guess that will be delayed until my doctor fills out a form that is simply a retread of the same information included on the original form with different wording and a bunch of information on physical labor that is completely irrelevant to my job. Temporary disability through your job is almost always determined on a month-to-month basis but it’s never taken this long for a response when I’ve had to go on it on the past due to my disabilities. I knew both the health and disability insurance policies at my job were significantly worse this year than the last based on the information we received for the New Year because the company is naturally looking to save money by cutting benefits while moving our warehouses to the south to save even more money on labor. The new owners (a holding company looking to maximize the value of this bullshit, useless company until they sell it in two years for a profit) literally sent an email at Christmas letting us know we’d receive our holiday bonuses for this year but as a matter of policy we wouldn’t be receiving them in the future. Of course I’m expected to be grateful I have any insurance coverage at all working a CS job where I’m making minimum wage but somehow I feel less gratitude than I do an overwhelming sense of dread and anxiety for the future. I haven’t been able to get several tests or doctor’s evaluations completed due to the pandemic and financial considerations (my deductible was met in late February, perfect timing) so of course my health status hasn’t changed. The hospital I go to in NYC has cancelled all non-urgent procedures and appointments on a case-by-case basis and despite my concerning blood work re: my kidney function I’m being forced to wait by the insurance company handling my disability claim with no consideration of the current crisis. I understand the need to do this for hospitals but please be cognizant of the shitty position people with chronic health issues are being thrown into during the pandemic. I can make telemed appointments with my doctors but everything is being held up by the need for tests and lab results.

There’s also something grim about the fact that the outstanding balance I owe from this year’s deductible to the hospital is almost the exact amount I received to live on for the month of January in March.

I’m exhausted and sick and completely isolated from my friends and chosen family outside of instant messaging at my dad’s house and I don’t know if my health will ever get better or if I’m going to need major surgery in the near future and if I’m going to be fired and lose my health insurance by the time I find out. My boss emails me every two weeks to ask about my health as if I’d ever give her more information on my status than she already has. My manager keeps texting me prayers at random intervals. I’m purposefully isolating myself from the people I love because I constantly feel like a burden - I hate not being able to be there for them because being this sick feels like a full time job. Apparently their awful treatment of me was because of how “needed” I was. These texts and emails keep mentioning how productive and beloved by the customers I was while I was constantly being criticized for not bringing my numbers up. I was only number 2 or 3 in the reams of useless data my boss pores over as a fucking job and the obvious reaction to that is to make me feel awful knowing about my health issues so I can raise my numbers even higher. I don’t know if I can return to this job without completely sacrificing the last shred of my sanity. Between the pain, the exhaustion, and the panic attacks induced by people berating me with the job title “happiness ambassador” I don’t think I can handle working with these assholes anymore. But then I remember that any job in CS involves this level of mental degradation and at least I had health insurance. Fucking insurance. I’ve lived my entire life under the crushing terror that I would lose my insurance. I’m just tired. I’m so fucking tired. I can’t afford the medical supplies I need to live without it and Medicaid is incredibly awful to ostomy patients in terms of providing enough supplies. But maybe that’s my fear talking, I’ve just helped a lot of people with catheters and other supplies who didn’t receive a sufficient supply through their state’s Medicaid program through support groups for my condition in the past and the problem has only gotten worse with the severe under funding and cuts to the program. I want to believe it isn’t so awful but experience has taught me time and again to expect the worst.

I’m trying to hold onto hope but everything feels too heavy right now. I’m just going to numb myself with video games until I’ve cried myself out. I’m too exhausted for another panic attack today.

#venting #personal #this is just stream of consciousness because i can barely think #getting better feels so fucking pointless if it’s even possible #most of my issues are chronic and will get progressively worse #i am lucky enough to have some family support but i am definitely the black sheep of my family and it is very lonely here #this is my version of screaming in the middle of the woods #disability #i don’t know how much longer my landlord will waive my rent because i’m not well enough to live at my apartment on my own right now #every facet of society is set up to make life that much more difficult for the unproductive #being sick suuuuuucks #long post #covid19 #this is probably incoherent #i'm too mentally ill to motivate myself to get better physically at this point

[atmostories]

Your Yandere!Terry Silver ficlet was positively amazing and just so very detailed, nuanced and in-character that I absolutely must request more if you're willing to write more. Really, whatever comes to your mind, doesn't even matter, so long as you grace us with more material (greedy grubby hands) - Reading about this dark, evil man just being so sweet for someone melts my heart. 🖤

A gift to my dearest anon, @kingkarate and @villains-are-sexy​ ♡ ♡ ♡ The first time he noticed you was after Margaret had laid out your employee file in front of him. You'd been working in the logistics department for two years, your record was clean, all of your performance evaluations were very good, if not exemplary. Margaret had personally recommended you so really that was all the evidence he needed that you had at least some value. Her team needed an extra member due to an increased workload and a reorganisation of staff. Margaret was going to retire in a few years and needed to find a replacement before she left.

Terry tried not to think about her being replaced, it irked him greatly to be losing such an asset, and a good friend. There was still plenty of time, for now. You were moved into Margaret's team on a trial basis in order to assess your suitability. Whenever Terry would look across the office, you were always working. You seemed to speak to other coworkers only when necessary. At first he assumed you were being studious and trying to make a good impression for Margaret, but he soon realised that that was simply how you were, quiet, withdrawn. You also treated people the same, no matter who they were or what sort of social rank they held, you would give the same polite smile to him as you would to one of the office cleaners. It was odd. He expected you, like most other rational people, to show him greater respect, he did own the entire company after all. A few words from him and he could render you jobless and homeless, begging for scraps out on the streets. And yet you seemed so unphased by the power he yielded. He got into the habit of calling you into his office for updates on the various projects you were working on. Margaret would always keep him informed of the latest developments, but he liked to hear how you would describe them. He also liked hearing you call him Sir. He'd corrected you when he first met you in person. "Thank you, Mr. Silver," you had said. "No. . .thank you, Sir," he murmured softly, hoping to provoke some reaction. "Of course. Thank you, Sir" you replied plainly. No one else called him Sir. He wondered how long it would take for you to notice that. During your lunch breaks, rather than head off with other coworkers or go to the staff room, you would leave by yourself to take a walk when the weather was decent or you'd eat at your desk. Before you were offered a position at DynaTox Industries, a background check had been carried on you to ensure that you would be. . .malleable if certain circumstances arose. If you found out something you shouldn't, you would be in a weak position, easily blackmailed. Terry requested a more in depth background check and was rather pleased when one of his private investigators handed him a sizeable file containing all of the facets of your life, along with a fortnight's worth of photos while you were under surveillance. It outlined where you went aside from work and as anticipated, it was all very dull. Your financial situation was practically destitution in Terry's eyes. What was most intriguing about your file was your ex who was currently in prison for assault and battery. You were the unlucky victim. As he read the police report and saw the pictures of your injuries, he ignored the swell of anger in his gut. The transcripts of your interviews detailed the abuse you had endured. Was this why you were so withdrawn? So focused on your work rather the people around you? While you were at the office, he broke into your apartment for further investigation. It was comically small. Your possessions were, he supposed, modest for someone so economically challenged as you. Your taste in music was not as sophisticated as his own, hardly surprising. There wasn't much food in the refrigerator or in the kitchen cupboards. He pulled out his wallet and grabbed a hundred dollar bill. Perhaps you didn't see these very often. After scrunching up the bill, he threw it haphazardly onto the floor, wondering whether there would be a smile on your face when you found it. What was he thinking, of course you'd be happy. He made a note to bump your salary enough so that you could move somewhere else, somewhere safer, somewhere which didn't automatically make him want to shower and scrub himself clean. Rather than have Margaret give you the good news, you were called into his office. Terry explained that you'd be permanently assigned to Margaret's team due to your performance. He mentioned a report you did the week prior, highlighting that it was good work. Rather than thank him, you responded by saying that the conclusion needed to be improved and you weren't sure about certain aspects of the analysis. “I said it was good work,” he told you with blunt finality, giving you a harsh stare. Your lips parted open slowly, your eyes were wide, your expression almost one of disbelief. Was it so difficult for you to accept a compliment? To accept praise when it was given to you? “Did I not?” He asked, prompting you to speak. “Uhh, yes. I'm sorry, Sir,” you mumbled back, shoulders hunching even further. Something seemed to twinge in his chest and he wasn't exactly sure what it was. Was it pity? No, it wasn't that, it was almost disappointment, like seeing wasted potential. He invited you along to an executive meeting, his excuse to include you was to take minutes, but really he wanted your opinion on the people who were present, their behaviour, their opinions. Terry wanted to assess how observant you were of other people, and he also wanted to test how candid you would be with him. The meeting went on as usual, dull, insipid. At least your presence offered a little distraction. After it was finally over, he invited you to join him for lunch at one of his favourite restaurants. He could see you eyeing the place curiously, taking in its lush décor and finely dressed staff. The purpose was to put you on edge, to make you feel abysmally underdressed and out of sorts. He had the whole corner of the restaurant cleared for just the two of you, he wanted to examine your every reaction without any disturbance. With drinks and appetisers ordered, he began his questioning. “Do you think Mr. Elroth would be suitable for the New York merger?” He asked, sipping some champagne. “I don't think he likes you,” you responded without hesitation. He pulled the glass away from his mouth, rather taken back by your honesty. “Why do you say that?” “He didn't like listening to you. He kept looking away, he even rolled his eyes a few times.” “And why do you think that is?” “Well. . .maybe it's because you're too young and you're too willing to take risks. He seems very traditional and set in his ways.” “Hmm.” Terry drank the rest of the glass, motioning to a waiter for a refill. He continued to ask questions throughout the main course and dessert. Your answers were always honest, you didn't try to soften any of your responses for him. He liked that. You reminded him of Margaret. Unblemished opinions were hard to come by for someone like Terry. They were always marred by people wanting to impress him, people trying to make the best impression possible, people looking for favours. He was beyond the grasp of normal society and yet you sat in front him, eating several courses which cost most, if not all, of your monthly salary, totally unphased and giving your opinions freely. He'd never once thought it possible for Margaret to be replaced by someone of her calibre, but perhaps he'd been too quick to make that assumption. When you moved into a new apartment, he had a forged deposit and contents insurance rebate drawn up and sent to you. The next day you had actually gone out and bought lunch rather than bring your own. He'd followed you to the little cafe and he noticed a small, satisfied smile on your face as you tucked into the food. How curious that something so insignificant would give you such joy? Was it really so difficult for you to get by? He bumped your salary again, you were supposed to be happy, but instead Margaret had told him that you went straight to the finance team to query it as a mistake. He scoffed out a laugh, incredulous at your behaviour. Was it so hard to accept when something good happened to you? He had you brought into his office, explaining to you clearly that any future queries regarding your salary would be directed to him personally. “But it's almost triple my original salary, I'm not sure that. . .” you trailed off when he stared down at you. He watched your throat as you swallowed nervously at his proximity. Raising an eyebrow at you, he waited for the proper response. “Thank you, Sir.” He didn't bother to stop himself from smiling. A few seconds later, a shy smile pulled up your lips. Financial security might have offered you some peace of mind, but Terry knew there was more work to be done. He looked over the police reports again, thinking about disposing that piece of trash who had hurt you. Surely that would make you happy? No longer living in the same world with the person who had almost beaten you to death? He had Dennis make some enquiries, found a trustworthy guy who was in the same prison as your ex. After that it was simply a matter of payment for services rendered. He had requested a slow, painful death and the photos from the autopsy showed just that. The unfortunate incident happened over the weekend, ensuring that you would have found out by Monday morning. Instead of happiness on your face, you seemed sad, lost even. He called you into his office, trying to hold back the rage growing in his gut. He had gotten rid of someone who had inflicted so much suffering on you, why weren't you happy? Why weren't you pleased? Surely you couldn't still care for that bastard? Did you really love so carelessly, so irrevocably? “You're distracted,” he stated. Your eyes were focused on the floor, you were making an effort to stop your leg from shaking. “I'm sorry, Sir. I received some. . .news yesterday.” “Bad news?” “I'm not really sure.” “Tell me what happened.” You looked up at him, your eyes were filled with hurt. This wasn't meant to happen, why the fuck were you upset? “Someone I knew. . . passed away. But he wasn't. . .he wasn't a good person.” “And you're grieving him?” “No,” you replied softly. “I should but. . .is it wrong to feel glad when someone's died?” “Not when they're bad.” You nodded a few moments later, a small grin finally lightening your expression. Terry had to repress a laugh. The only thing you were upset about was that you didn't feel upset, you didn't feel bad at all. The thought made him preen in delight, he'd done right by you after all. It took a while, but you were finally starting to lose that heavy burden you'd been carrying all this time. The change in you was not particularly obvious, you didn't start to suddenly make friends with everyone in the office. Your smile was a little wider, you walked with more confidence. In one of his meetings, as you sat right next to him, he whispered an amusing observation about one of the investors into your ear, and you snorted out a laugh, barely able to contain yourself. A week after that, something unexpected happened, something he still didn't quite know how to feel about. Mr. Elroth stood in front of Terry, blabbering on about nothing of interest. He'd gestured for you to come over to give him a point of interest. You stood dutifully by his side, but when Mr. Elroth reached out his grubby hand, about to touch Terry's forearm, you quickly stepped in front of him, blocking Mr. Elroth from touching him. You interjected yourself into the conversation, successfully distracting Mr. Elroth and causing him to lower his arm. Terry dismissed him a couple minutes later and pulled you to one side. “What was that?” “I thought you might have wanted a distraction, I didn't mean to be rude, Sir.” “Why did you move in front of me?” “Mr. Elroth was going to touch your arm,” you explained like it was obvious. “And?” “You. . .you don't like to be touched.” “Excuse me?” “You always initiate, you don't like it when other people touch you. I'm sorry if I've made the wrong assumption. It wasn't my intention to cause any offence, Sir.” He continued to stare at you, letting the words sink in. Margaret most conveniently called you away like she could read his mind and Terry nodded at her in thanks, thinking that he'd have to review her retirement plan, add in a couple more vacation options, maybe an extra masseuse for the weekends. He didn't know how he felt. He was agitated by what you had said, almost uncomfortable. That wasn't something you were meant to notice. Terry took great lengths to not show any kind of weakness, and shying from physical contact was certainly one. For you to not only see it, but then to try and protect him? Even though you’d been abused in the past? Even though you shied away from physical contact yourself? He clenched his fists, his heart aching in a way it never had before. That night, he broke into your apartment. It was thankfully a significant improvement to the last one. After looking over the kitchen and the living room, he went to your bedroom, watching you sleep soundly and peacefully. Part of him wanted to sink his hands around your neck, make you experience every bit of discomfort that you had made him feel. He slowly sat down on the mattress, his gloved hand gently caressing your cheek. You cared about him, but how much of that was the same sort of empathy and respect you'd show to everyone else? How much of it was just for him? He needed all of it, your heart, your mind, your soul. He'd been so used to taking everything he ever wanted, there'd never been anything worth his patience. . .but you? Watching you emerge from the shadow you used to be gave him a deep satisfaction that nothing else came close to. Destroying you would be too easy, you were already so broken, even now. Making you whole again? Now that was a challenge he'd accept, a challenge that he was going to excel at. No one else was going to hurt you again. He recognised the value of your devotion, craved it like nothing else. His fingers traced over your lips as he imagined the moment you were going to kiss him of your own accord. What a sweet, precious moment that was going to be, he would wait for it. He was going to wait for you. And when you were his, he was never going to let you go.

#terry silver #terry silver x reader #cobra kai #karate kid III #thomas ian griffith #atmo

[belle-keys]

I Love Matthew Fairchild aka Incoherent Thoughts about Chain of Iron (2021) by Cassandra Clare

I made one of these rant-rave reviews for SJM's book so check it out if you want, no pressure tho lmao.

Aight so I finished Chain of Iron last night and OMG I HAVE TO YELL like I loved it sooo much like yooo, I have a lot to say. I know the book is new so... beware for spoilers plebs.

Also context: I been reading the Shadowhunter books since I was 12 and I'm 19 now *insert dead emoji face* so yeah, I'm just so happy rn with where the Chronicles have come and the fact that they’re still ongoing *insert uwu face*. I remember when in like 2014-2015 or something when Cassandra Clare teased that Will and Tessa's kids' generation was gonna get a trilogy set in Edwardian London, loosely based on Great Expectations, and holy hell? I think that was perhaps one of the best days of my life considering how much I adore The Infernal Devices (that trilogy really changed the way I see YA literature... don't ask cus I won't shut up about it) (also yes I read TMI and loved it too but there's a “generation gap” between TMI and the other Shadowhunter books stylistically so don't ask me about that either cus I also won't shut up).

Anyway, shoo from here if you want a critical essay on Chain of Iron. I'm not providing that, this is just me raving here for the fun.

Listen... I want the bulk of this to just be two main things: The Matthew Situation, and then all the literary and judeo-christian meta aspects of it.

BUT I ALSO NEED TO TALK ABOUT EVERYTHING ELSE SO FRICK LET'S JUST START WITH THE OBVIOUS SHIT LIKE THE PLOT AND WHATEVER

Okay, the plot and writing and shit, let's get that out of the way:

The WHOLE Jack-the-Ripper-esque ambiance was just sooooo good man wow like I did not expect the book to take this cold turn but it worked so well. There was such a contrast between Jamie and Cordelia's warm little house and then the cold winter and the stabbings and shit and it felt like a nice little callback to the actual Ripper phenomenon that preceded them and a nod to the Whitechapel Fiend story from Tales from the Shadowhunter Academy.

Bitch OFC that whole thing with Wayland was a set-up like nawww that was too easy to spot and I get why Cordelia feels like shit about it.

Dawg Lucie was just the Among Us imposter here in that my girl was just venting and sneaking around with dead people and I was like nooooo girl run, don't deal with Fade this is a set-up THINK ABOUT JULES LUCIE THAT'S LIKE YO GREAT-GRANDSON *sobs* but yeah anyway my girl has death powers she gonna kill some bitches next book.

You see that confrontation between Lilith and Belial? MASTERPIECE DIALOGUE like this was the point within which I was just like "yo is this the book of Genesis or a YA Fantasy novel" like when Lilith said "I may have been cast out but I did not fall" like??????????????????? I YELLED she did not have to END Belial like that. What a bad bitch.

More on Lilith and Belial... "You, who brought nations into darkness? Shall I finally be able to tell the infernal realms you have gone mad, lost even the image of the Creator." HAHAHHAHAHA SHE SAID "YO BELIAL GO GET SOME THERAPY AND GET OFF MY ASS" LIKE??????

Ughhhh yasss Clare has improved writing diverse characters in this book compared to in The Dark Artifices in my opinion... I'm not gonna expand on it cus ain't nobody got time for that but like, I enjoyed how she wove Persian poetry and tales into the story and the way in which she writes Cordelia and Alistair. They're not caricatures of Persian people but rather multi-faceted beings who also happen to be Persian and I appreciate that. Also, Alistair and Thomas and Anna and Ariadne were just so fun and interesting to read as coupbles but also as individuals. She really higlighted diversity in a very natural manner. All I need is a hijabi character and I’ll die a happy woman lmao.

The level of META man like the references to Classics and art (I swear, she might have compared Matthew to angels out of Caravaggio AND Rosetti AND Boticelli paintings and I Am Living For It) and just all the quotes from holy books and shit omg I love it here like you really feel catapulted into the time period, she draws reference to external art and philosophy so well and I feel like she upped the notch on it in this book (didn’t know that was possible but it was the prose is BEAUTIFUL, archaic, but not pretentiously so). No, like the characters live in their OWN worlds of literature and art and history in the way we are living in THEIRS. They quote Wilde and Milton while we'll quote Clare. It's awesome.

This is an unusually structuralist take even from me but: I like the way the milieu social of the book, i.e., the high society Edwardian circles and their values, have a direct influence on the plot. James and Cordelia got married because society’s values essentially forced them to, not a demon. Cordelia abandons Jamie at the end of Iron because her shame as a woman in society and fear for her reputation made her, not a demon. Thomas and Alistair can't be together solely because of how Alistair tarnished the reputation of the Fairchilds and Lightwoods by using the horror of infidelity against them. Issues relating to marriage, gender roles, etc, stemming DIRECTLY from the time period rule the sequence of events to the same degree as the epic fantasy aspects (demons, Princes of Hell, the lore itself) do and I LOVE that dear God above.

OKAY THE GOOD SHIT LET US TALK ABOUT CHARACTERS AND SHIPS (N.B. but imma discuss Matthew and the Fairstairs situation separately below this portion):

Alistair's redemption arc: No, cus Alistair's redemption arc is honestly amazing. He really did change and it's not like his betterment as a person was linked to any one heroic deed but rather he simply decided he wanted to be better especially for his family and he decided to become a proper protective son, a caring brother, and an amiable friend. He fully owned up to his Malfoy tendencies and apologized without expecting forgiveness. He shows how he cares in the little ways and omg it's so sweet and tender. I really do want him to love himself now and be embraced by Matthew especially and the rest of the Thieves.

Dawg Lucie and Jesse are so funny to me like it's so hilarious how this girl fell in love with a whole ass ghost that no one else knows about like HHAHA. Are Lucie and Jesse my ult ship ever? Nah, but it's nothing to do with Clare, it's just that their relationship happened pretty quick and feels quite like something epicly romantic that Lucie herself would write. I just like slow burn and friends-to-lovers the most from Clare. To be honest part of me just wanted Lucie to not have a romantic arc all together but like, it's all good, I'm not complaining.

Okay Grace- like yooooooooooo I never hated her yunno. She has been abused and isolated all her life. It's not that she is a bad person, but rather that she does not know what being a person even entails. Can't even say she's a “doll” of a person cus she's never even been pampered like one by her family. I really started understanding her motivations since when they gave us her half-childhood with Jesse. I want better for her but cmon can she REALLY be saved???

GRACE X CHRISTOPHER *pretends to be shocked*... Okay, sometime in the middle of the Dark Artifices series some big brain put together a very thorough family tree of the families and like, it clearly showed that Grace and Christopher got married so like, lmfaooooo, I knew this was coming one way or another, but the journey to this ship is more important than the destination. Like in a way Christopher is such a cute baby lamb that it makes sense he'd end up being immune to her Grace-ness when he's just a cute little Einstein boiii. Like this is just so funny to me cus he's so oblivious to social conventions while she makes the milieu social her entire life so OFC it's gonna work. Like, this is such a worlds-colliding trope like just Give It To Me.

James and Grace - aw mannn Jamie just had me fricking wanting to hit a wall every two seconds cus like yooooooo every single time I think he and Cordelia are gonna stop being emotionally-constipated spouses, Jamie says some kinda shit like "omg me and Daisy are just friends uwu" like DO I NEED TO HIT YOU?????????? See I can't blame him for not slamming the door on Grace's face even tho he totes should- Jamie is so cerebral and kind that even if Grace wasn't using the enchantment on him, I think he would always be soft for her even if it isn't in a romantic way. There's just so much miscommunication cus like he said "Thank God" when she broke off the engagement with Charles and lowkey embraced her but it also wasn't his fault cus it wasn't even romantic BUT OFC IT LOOKED HORRIBLE TO CORDELIA like James literally never told the woman at least once that he loved her so OFC she thought she was back to square one with him dear God above what a mess. Not his fault, but she DID set down one rule for him: don’t cheat with Grace. And yeah even tho he hasn’t properly cheated, it must FEEL horrible to her cus she’s just been enduring the pain of their unrequeted love for so long :((

See imma just say it but if Cordelia thought that James didn't love Grace then she def would have confessed to him about her feelings right but like James, on the other hand, was delaying his own romantic confession cus he was BEING EMOTIONALLY CONSTIPATED and I can't even say the bracelet was solely to blame cus like my boi was just being so difficult omg I believe he should be lightly spanked by his three parents aka Will, Tessa and Jem *cries*.

Cordelia is such a MOM like she's so mature and stable and her self-preservation instinct? OFF THE CHARTS I love this woman like James definitely treated her well as a hubby but like I JUST WANTED HER TO HAVE CLOSURE ABOUT SOMETHING and boy oh boy she did get that closure she got it good but not from the person she expected in the LEAST *hehe* *pelican screeching*... like Lucie was being sus with the whole ghost business and James was being just, quite a case, dealing with Grace and Belial right and I don't blame them at all for their secrecy and shit but her FATHER DIED and her friends were hiding a lot from her so in a way she turned to Alistair for help but he could only do so much cus of his own pain (she couldn't even talk to her mom cus she's pregnant and she doesn't wanna stress her right) and then there was this emotional block between her and Jamie, Lucie was often absent and conspiring with the dead... the last person remaining was HIM (imma discuss this soon), but yeah my heart just went OUT to her cus she's tryna save herself and her family and she just doesn't know what to do. That's why I love the way her mom told her to stop holding herself back for others and live her own life. Like Cordelia grew on me so much cus in Gold she undoubtedly was a strange Elizabeth Bennet-wallflower hybrid and I... do not usually get attached to wallflowers but in Iron I feel like I finally understood that she was just tryna be unproblematic and self-preserving all along and nottt put her family and friends in a tough situation.... she reminds me of my mom personality-wise so yeah I’m totally rooting for her now that her *situation* in the past seems clearer.

Anna, Thomas and Matthew are such a SQUAD lmfaooooo like united in their gayness they'd be so unstoppable.

Will and Tessa are the most in-love of all the in-loves in this story and I respect that so much.

I lost a year to my life every time the romance between James and Cordelia got cockblocked. Like they were MARRIED and I thought they were gonna at least sleep next to each other at least once BUT NO James couldn't take a hint omg I'm actually gonna eat my fist and sob (but in retrospect, I think this serves a bigger purpose in terms of the narrative structure i.e. the interruption of all the spicy James and Cordelia action serves a bigger purpose which I think brings me to my next section, *exhale*)

Welcome to the Matthew Fairchild Enthusiast Club (this section is me talking out loud; it makes no sense):

bitch.

LISTEN TO ME LISTEN WELL I LOVE THIS BOY SO MUCH IMMA SCREAM I REALLY AM GONNA SCREAM MY FIST IS LITERALLY IN MY MOUTH *BACKFLIPS OFF THE ROOF WITH LANA DEL REY PLAYING*

Okay like where to BEGIN I think the Shadowhunter boy who I'm most attracted to is Julian while the one I love the most is Will but I think I see myself in Matthew the most. Like ever since that first story where the Thieves all met at the Academy then got expelled, I think that I just KNEW Matthew was destined to be epic. Plus the whole Wilde obsession? I’m no libertine myself but I just love his chaos and passion for life.

NO CUS HE'S SO WITTY AND SWEET AND EPIC AND YET SO SECRETIVE AND DEAR GOD ABOVE AHHHHH WILL HE SURPASS JULIAN FOR ME??? Ion even know but this is just sodjsgdwsdygyegydgef

Hear me out but I said after finishing Gold last March that I wanted this book to be Matthew's healing arc right so halfway into the book when I realized that we weren't getting all that good healing arcing I was confused just cus I thought it seemed natural to address all of his alcohol issues and sadness by now. LITTLE DID I KNOW CASSIE WAS SETTING UP A WHOLE OTHER ARC WITH HIM THAT I WOULD HAVE NEVER GUESSED WTH.

At first I thought Matthew didn't have feelings for anyone at all, and if he DID develop feelings unexpectedly, I fricking thought that maybe he's catching feelings for James, if anyone??? I mean, I did have some suspicions about Matthew from the get-go: like he's so secretive and as readers we think we know everything there is to know about him since we were all privy to the truth potion incident in his short story right BUT NO I GOT PLAYED AND I DESERVE IT SO BADDDDDD.

Listen I hadn't shipped him and Cordelia simply because I never thought it in the realm of possibility but it MAKES SENSE as a ship... think about it: he never says what he feels, he flirts with her like he does with EVERYONE, he is kind to her in the way he is with EVERYONE. Really, Matthew is shippable with everyone, doesn’t matter if they’re taken cus that’s just what his Matthewnes allows for ya feel. There is such a beautiful irony that CORDELIA herself did not see this coming. Even the little teasers and hints in Gold have only NOW started making sense to me likejhss. I just felt like the hints in book 1 did not indicate to me that Matthew really harbored real romantic feelings for Daisy. I thought he was upset that James and Cordelia were being fakes, not a developing CRUSH on the woman fgs.

Not to mention that you usually sense a ship building when the emotional connection or sexual tension between the characters is made clearer but to me their FRIENDSHIP grew right but it didn’t feel like Cordelia was thought that she liked him or he liked her so that means me and Cordelia are clowns *together* 😤

Okay I was lowkey having SUSPICIONS but I immediately shut them down right... like firstly when he took her to the White Horse in his car and she went OFF and OFF and off about how she felt free for the first time? I thought Cassie was just tryna develop Cordelia's self-liberation arc through Matthew there. Heck, I didn't even think ANYTHING of it when Matthew confession to Cordelia about the "truth potion" incident at all cus I was like they're FRIENDS??? BUT now it's adding up now...

See when they were at the inn place and he was telling her that she doesn't in the least seem like a 100 year-old married woman? I was like hmmmm he's so sweet but why did Cassie phrase it like that like??? When Cordelia later reiterated that she thought Matthew's flirting was “meaningless”?? I was like hmmm kinda SUS tho. And then when he and James had their fight over the way Jamie kissed Grace like again I thought he was just like? ion know? mad at James for it but I didn't think he was in LOVE with Cordelia??? So I immediately put aside my slight suspicions. The probability that he had a crush on James at that point seemed more likely to me.

BUT THEN it started hitting me that every time Matthew drank, even before he explained his issue with the truth potion, that Cordelia would note it, she would worry about him, she would think of her father which seemed so poetic to me, history repeating itself and all that but this time you can FIX it??? Yeah, but again I didn't think the L WORD would be involved man???

Now imma sound like a delulu shipper here but it just makes sense they would develop feelings logically- reason being that it definitely is possible based on the way Cassie set up the story, like there's a combination of little “friend things” that can turn this into a proper ship: Matthew rescues Cordelia in the ballroom when Grace captures James' attention in Gold. Cordelia sees her father in Matthew all the time but knows now she has a chance to be there for him in the way she couldn't have been there for Elias (classic “history repeats itself” trope, she doesn't want Matthew drinking in Paris like dhshghdfhdhch). Cordelia tastes freedom for the first time when driving with Matthew. Matthew caught James and Cordelia making out in the room and was pissed but not even HE properly knew why then??? Umm, when she thinks James is forreal cheating with Grace on her she subconsciously goes to Matthew??? I also found it funny just how every intimate marital moment between her and James got interrupted somehow. Like, it's as if the narrative is just a living force REFUSING to let James and Cordelia as a ship be consecrated. Heck, every time Matthew is scantily clothed Cordelia notes it. LITTLE CRUMBS I TELL YOU LITTLE CRUMBS.

I tell you when Cordelia showed up to Matthew's flat I thought they were gonna f*ck as friends but I got SOMETHING EVEN BETTER SOMEHOW

THEY ARE GOING TO PARIS LA BELLE EPOQUE PARIS THE PARIS OF DREAMS AND ART LIKE??? FRICKKKKK I DID NOT SEE THIS COMING AT ALLLL MAN? I deadass thought the story would be restrained to the UK but like it MAKES SENSE the trope subversion MAKES SENSE.

“In Paris, with you, I will not need to forget.” SHITTRGEGGGDG

BUT CORDELIA LOVES JAMES TOO LIKE I CAN'T DENY THAT... where are we GOING with this like Matthew wouldn't lie about his feelings and yet Cassie wouldn't give us Matthew and Cordelia crumbs to only end it in the next book immediately for her to just ditch him for James. I mean she was clearly holding back on fleshing out James and Cordelia as a ship for this but to WHAT END??? Daisy feels wild and free with Matthew and she feels warm at home warm with James. I can’t advocate for the sinking of ANY ship here.

Imma say what we're all thinking: Is she gonna give us a Will x Jem x Tessa type situation where Cordelia gets both of them cus I'm not strong enough for this but I also think it'd be really funny if James gets a surprise bi awakening in the next books and then we get POLY even tho this would never happen, it’s actually impossible, because of the whole parabatai thing.

Listen I ship Cordelia and Matthew much more than Cordelia and James, not that I dislike James in any way tho. It's just: Matthew is so unrestrained and she's so composed. They seem like an unlikely pair so it makes sense that they hit harder for me. James and Cordelia have such similar personalities but I ALSO don't ship James with Grace at all so like?? Poly would be... ideal... but it can’t happen especially cus they are fricking parabatai... a Will-Jem-Tessa situation seems more likely but mannnn ion know what to expect. I just want FAIRSTAIRS to have their moment in Paris. I mean James and Matthew clearly don't abhor each other for this.

Take everything I say with several grains of salt, take everything I say with the whole Dead Sea actually, cus I damn well know that Matthew is so flirty and whatnot that I’d have shipped him with anyone in their little circle but now that she set him up with Cordelia it all feels so right?? I have wanted this man in a good relationship since he walked onto the page in Nothing But Shadows so-

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I can't believe Cassia duped me like this omg, Matthew is gonna have his healing arc in Paris with Cordelia by his side like- THIS IS ALL I HAVE WANTED AND SO MUCH MORE. Question to yall btw: are you all as surpised at Fairstairs as me or did yall see it coming all along like smart people? Am I a lone clown? 🥺

BRUH okay criticisms of CC?:

Lmfao a part of me feels like I GOTTA say something bad about CC or the book but honestly I have no objective complaints about it as of now. Am I saying that it’s the PEAK of Young Adult literature and Urban Fantasy? I mean, I make no such claims tbh. I’m not here to be critical when I read as a hobby and when CC’s writing makes me happy regardless of how flawed some people see it.

Okay what next?

So like I’m excited for the adult high fantasy she’s releasing in the fall and whatever other works she might be releasing outside of Chain of Gold within the Chronicles.

As for TLH itself? Man I’m just VIBING like I suspect I will reread Chain of Iron soon and maybe one of the anthologies just because I am happy that this series actually happened after me waiting like 6 years for it when it was just a concept: a Dickensian retelling filled with poetry and culture and history and the conventions I so loved in TID at age 12. This is all I been wanting tbh. I’m just enjoying watching this series come to fruition for it to inspire and transform me in some way. I feel like in a way my coming-of-age aligns with that of these specific characters yet I ALSO feel like I raised Jamie since infancy. Wack.

MATTHEW AND CORDELIA IN FRANCE LA BELLE EPOQUE TO BE EXACT IMMA CRY I DID NOT SEE THIS COMING AND AHHHHHH. ALSO WILL AND JAMIE GOING TO CORNWALL TO GET LUCIE AND MAYBE BOND I LOVE WILL. HE WAS ONE OF MY DILF AWAKENINGS AT AGE 12 AND NOW HE’S HERE AGAIN IMMA CRY. I WANNA SEE MATTHEW GET HAPPY. AHHH.

Ending with a fun quote: “In the wise words of someone or other, there are more things in heaven and earth than are dreamt of in your philosophy, Maurice.” 😉

#the last hours #the shadowhuter chronicles #shadowhunters #will herondale #james herondale #cordelia carstairs #fairstairs #matthew fairchild #grace blackthorn #wessa #jessa #chain of iron spoilers #chain of gold #chain of iron #the infernal devices #ya books #books and literature #books #book lover #cassandra clare #cassie clare #tts fandom #book review #james x cordelia #chain of thorns #jordelia

[petergrantkavinsky]

RED QUEEN Spoiler Chat with Victoria Aveyard on Instagram (04/17/2020)

Q: Who’s the inspiration for Mare? VA: The RED QUEEN series is written in first person point of view, which means you’re in the character’s head. The majority of it is written in Mare’s perspectives. The inspiration for her - because so much of the books was her and so much of it was me - naturally, there were things in there and character moments that came from my personality. She also has a lot of things I wish I was and also things I’m glad that I’m not. I think that we as writers get to explore being other people the way that we write. Another character that had a lot of me in him was Julian. Julian was probably the closest to my personality. Maybe a little of Evangeline if I didn’t have the rules of society.

Q: Why did Shade have to die? VA: I firmly believe that character deaths have to mean something, and you have to feel something because if you get to the point where you’re desensitized, you’ve lost the audience and there’s no point in what’s going on. I knew [Shade] had to be removed from the narrative because he made things too easy for Mare both emotionally and physically. It’s very hard to write any kind of set piece or action sequence around someone who can teleport. I had to find really creative ways to knock him out every single time. But mentally he was such a crutch for Mare. When you’re writing, there’s supposed to be many obstacles for your characters, you’re supposed to make things as difficult as possible. That’s when they really start to shine, when shit hits the fan. So I knew he would be removed, and I knew removing him would be a major turning point in [Mare’s] character.

Q: Maven broke my heart a lot of points in the book. VA: Yeah... Yeah.

Q: Did you ever consider to have Maven’s “good side” back? VA: It’s interesting because I don’t see him having good side and bad side. I don’t see a firm delineation in his brain. It’s not like he was switching between people, it was all one. And I think that’s how most people are. We all have different sides of ourselves, but they all conglomerate into one person. I never really considered an about-face for him. I didn’t think it would be realistic to his character, to the world, to the path that he’d set himself on. I think he was really really dedicated to the idea “what if everything I’ve done has been in vain?,” and he almost wanted to make the bad things he’s done worth it, so that in his mind they balance out and there was never any way to square that. I do think - in this part of my dedication to writing real characters and writing people - I think that Mare and Cal maybe made a mistake or maybe wrote him off a little too fast? I really wanted to include that confusion and that sort of moment at the end where Mare is thinking “did we make the right choice?” You’re never really gonna know because that’s how life is, you wonder about choices you made, and you never know.

Q: What was the song Mare and Cal were listening to when they were dancing in the moonlight? VA: It was COME ON EILEEN. In the very first draft of RED QUEEN, there were so many more references to modern-day life. There was a dialogue where Mare said “we’re dancing to this song about someone named Eileen,” which honestly in hindsight wouldn’t make sense because language had changed by that time. Our English today would have been similar with what Old English is to us now in that it would be very very difficult to understand.

Q: If you could revive any character in the series, who would it be? VA: That’s a hard one. It almost makes me feel good about who I lost because I can’t immediately answer “oh, I want this character back.” I think it would probably be Shade. I feel bad for him, the hole he left behind. And it was so fun. I guess?

Q: How far in the future is RED QUEEN set? VA: Post-post-apocalyptic setting. The world has fallen apart and put itself back together. More information about that in BROKEN THRONE.

Q: How did you start writing the series? Where did the thoughts and idea start? VA: I remember I was sitting at the desk and I had this image of a girl in the arena about to be executed, and instead of dying, she electrocutes her executioner and kills them. I was like “what is this?” I remember I wrote a little snippet of it down and e-mailed it to myself, and RED QUEEN sort of built from there. The questions I asked myself, “who is she?,” “why was she going to be killed?,” “what kind of world exists for her to have this superpower?” That helped me build the story and find what sort of facet I wanted to tell and how.

Q: Were you inspired by House Lannister to make House Samos? VA: Not directly, but GAME OF THRONES inspired so much of the RED QUEEN novels. I would say the biggest inspiration I took from GAME OF THRONES - A SONG OF ICE AND FIRE - was the way that the books are structured and written. The chapter endings are almost always an insane twist. I got to the point when I was reading those books and I was covering the end of the chapter because I knew my eye was going to drift, and I would look to the side and “oh, this character just got their throat slit. Great.” I wanted to write that way, so a lot of the chapter endings in RED QUEEN and all of the endings of the books have this twist. It’s one of my tricks for getting you guys to keep reading.

Q: Do Mare and Cal get back together? VA: Well, I don’t know, maybe we’ll find out in BROKEN THRONE, who knows? But I was really really proud to get to that ending and have my characters in a place where they know they need to heal and maybe sort of find themselves again. You can’t necessarily do that with another person - some people do - I just don’t think they could. And they’re so young. I’m so happy with many different endings, but to me it didn’t feel true to sort of bookend a life that young. I think it gives the world more reality if you feel there’s more to come and there’s more going on as opposed to the door has shut, the book has closed.

Q: Which power would you like to have? VA: My favorite superpower is not in the books. It was in the first draft of RED QUEEN, but wisely my agent was like “everything up to this point was great. You’ve got to take this out.” It was time travel, and I’m so glad she told me that. But I would love to be a time traveler. I just want to check out what’s going on back in the day.

Q: Did you cry writing a scene? VA: I’m not a cryer while writing. Some authors are, some authors aren’t.

Q: Did you ever give up while writing RED QUEEN? VA: Yes. I distinctly distinctly remember this. I was about three months into writing the draft. I was halfway through, and I thought this was garbage. I remember I reread CATCHING FIRE, the second HUNGER GAMES book. That sort of gave me this motivation to refill the well essentially, and I wanted to write again. But that wasn’t enough. The thing that really pushed me over the top was both my dad and my best friend who were reading the book as I was writing the chapters. I slowed down so much that both of them were like “can you just tell me how it ends because i really wanna know if you’re not gonna finish it?” And I was like fine, okay, I will write this book. And I did. It just came down to that moment of decision to push through. I work best when I’m under pressure. I was really really under pressure then, my back was so against the wall in terms of career. Looking back, I see what a precarious position I was in. I’m really glad I didn’t realize it at that time, but I’m very glad I pushed through on that.

Q: Was there a different ending to WAR STORM? VA: No. I knew the emotional ending I wanted for RED QUEEN when I wrote the first book. I knew I wanted to end this with the main character and the love interest not together. I knew I wanted to have that reality of too much has happened, we’ve been broken, and we need to heal on our own. That was the message I really wanted to send. In GLASS SWORD, I figured out the plot ending and where it was going to go, and it never changed from there. I’m so happy that my editing team didn’t push back on that, my agent never pushed back on that. Everyone was go for it. I got really lucky.

Q: How did you come up with the names for the characters? VA: A lot of them just popped into my head for the most part. Cal was the only one that was really constructed. I knew I wanted him to have a cool nickname but a really good-feel royal full name, so Tiberias Calore. Calore means heat. And I shortened his last name into Cal.

Q: Maven and Thomas? VA: As of now, no plans to return to that story, short story or a novel of its own. But it was a relationship I was really keen to focus on and show how much that colored Maven and his relationship with his mother. His mom is such an interesting character because she does love her son, and so many things she did to him, she did out of love, like trying to take away pain from him by messing with his brain. It had a lot of repercussions later on, but Thomas was definitely the first thing that was so painful, and he went to his mother and said “take this from me.” I think that was really a slippery slope.

Q: Tyton was good character. VA: Thank you! I liked him too. I really loved the electricons getting sort of a little squad going. That moment where Mare realizes she’s not alone. She’d been kidnapped at that point, and people are coming for her, but she’s not alone in what she is. Up to that point while learning “oh, I’m not the only Red who has powers,” she was the only Red with her power, and finally people who deeply understood what was going on...it felt like giving her a hug.

Q: How many times did you think of Maven’s ending? Were you sad to write him the way you knew you had to? VA: I don’t have those emotional downturns with work. There are definitely scenes where I’m so excited because I cannot wait for someone to read this. His twist in RED QUEEN when he reveals where his true alliances lie, that was one of the things I was so excited to get in front of people and to experience with you. But no, I don’t think I was sad. Does that make me a bad person?

Q: Do you think you would write a book in the same world as RED QUEEN? VA: I would say never say never, but I’m definitely playing in different sandboxes right now.

Q: Do you worldbuild as you go or do you know every backstory beforehand? VA: For RED QUEEN - and maybe this is why this is the first book I ever finished - I did a lot of the worldbuilding as I went. I got my bases, but then I really pushed myself to start writing as quickly as possible. In the past, I worldbuilded so many books, and you kind of burn out your inspiration on trying endless maps, trade routes, character backstories, and family trees. I think RED QUEEN was little bit of both. This new story, I did a little bit more of worldbuilding to begin with, but it really made myself jumping. I think there’s definitely a benefit to extensive worldbuilding. Most of it, at least in my experience, does not make it on the page, but it does help the author metabolize the world and the characters to the point where you’re writing it second nature, you’re not entirely thinking about what they’re doing, it’s just happening because you already know.

Q: Do you have an exact vision of every place? VA: Some places, yes. Some scenes, yes. Some scenes, it’s like shot for shot in my brain, it’s like watching it on a movie screen. Some places, it’s fuzzy at the edges and it’s just the people’s faces I see. But sometimes even those are fuzzy.

Q: RED QUEEN characters in Hogwarts houses? VA: Mare - Slytherin Maven - Slytherin Farley - Gryffindor Cal - Gryffindor for sure, he’s such a blockhead. Kilorn - Hufflepuff Elara - Ravenclaw Evangeline - has Slytherin, Gryffindor, and Ravenclaw tendencies. I do not believe in split houses.

Q: Did Maven and Thomas have a romantic relationship? VA: Yes. I believed and wrote Maven as bisexual.

Q: What inspired you the powerful and amazing ending of GLASS SWORD? It’s iconic! VA: GLASS SWORD is definitely my weakest of the four books, I think. That one was tough. Adjusting to writing a book in a vacuum versus writing a book when you had a first book and there was a third one coming, that was really tough. But the ending of that book is probably my favorite. “I kneel.” I remember I wrote those words and [screamed].

*Transcript by me :) (Yes, for the first time in maybe two years, I finally have all the time in the world again.)

*You may also watch the live session on VA’s IGTV.

#red queen #victoria aveyard #*

[imaginationxlost]

Incorrect Quotes: Tag Game

Rules: use this quote generator & list as many quotes as you like using characters from your WIPs, then tag as many people as quotes you listed.

Tagged by: @artbyeloquent​

I had WAY too much fun with this.

Storms:

Anna Kahale: Okay, truth or dare? Issac Riley: Truth Anna Kahale: How many hours have you slept this week? Issac Riley: Issac Riley: ...Dare Anna Kahale: Go to bed. Issac Riley: I don’t like this game.

----

Issac Riley: How do I deal with my enemies? Leilani: Kill them Issac Riley: That's a bit extreme, I was hoping for a more passive solution Leilani: Kill them only a little?

----

Leila Travers, tending to Issac's wounds: How would you rate your pain? Issac Riley: Zero stars. Would NOT recommend.

----

Issac Riley: You're the love of my life and my best friend, I would do anything for you. Anna Kahale: I want you to eat three meals a day and have a decent sleep schedule. Issac Riley: Absolutely not.

----

Ethan Riley, setting down a card: Ace of spades Lexi Riley, pulling out an Uno card: +4 Anna Kahale, pulling out a Pokémon card: Jolteon, I choose you Vincent Riley, trembling: What are we playing

----

Issac Riley: English is a difficult language. It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though. Leilani: You need to stop.

----

Anna Kahale: I want to wake up with you every day for the rest of our lives Issac Riley: I wake up at 5:30 AM Anna Kahale: Anna Kahale: I want to see you at some point every day for the rest of our lives

----

Ethan Riley: Issac isn’t answering his phone Anna Kahale: I’ll call Ethan Riley: Lexi and I have both tried six times each, what makes you thi- Issac Riley: Hello?

----

Issac Riley: How did none of you hear what I just said? Lexi Riley: I’ve been zoned out for the past two and a half hours. Anna Kahale: I got distracted about halfway through. Leilani: Ignoring you was a conscious decision.

-

Eyes Wide Open:

Lucille Darnell: Who thinks I can fit 15 marshmallows in my mouth? Lucian Darnell: You’re a hazard to society Mia Jordan: And a coward. DO TWENTY.

----

Lucian Darnell: Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween! It's terrible for the environment! Lucille Darnell: Yeah! Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly!

----

Lucian Darnell, trying to ask Noah Mason out: Would you like to stay for dinner? Lucille: WOULD YOU LIKE TO STAY FOREVER?

----

Lucian Darnell: How petty can you get? Lucille Darnell: I once edited a Wikipedia article to win an argument I was wrong about.

----

Lucian Darnell: There is no future. there is no past. do you see? Time is simultaneous, an intricately structured jewel that humans insist on viewing one edge at a time, when the whole design is visible in every facet. Lucille Darnell: Emma Jordan: Ryan Jordan: Everyone Else At Lucian (And Lucille’s) Surprise Birthday Party: Lucille Darnell: All I asked was if you wanted to cut our birthday cake first.

----

Lucian Darnell: WHY. why did you give Lucille a KNIFE?! Jenna Smalls: I’m sorry. They said they felt unsafe. Lucian Darnell: Now I feel unsafe! Jenna Smalls: I’m sorry. Jenna Smalls: ... would you like a knife?

----

Ryan Jordan, driving Lucian and Lucille: So how was your day? Lucille Darnell: We almost got surprise adopted! Ryan Jordan: What? Lucian Darnell: We almost got kidnapped. Ryan Jordan: Oh, okay. Ryan Jordan: *slams on the breaks* WAIT WHAT?!

-

Sleepless:

Ilario Heart: Lia... Iecilia Heart: Oh no, 'Lia' in b-flat. Iecilia Heart: You're disappointed.

----

Michael James, standing with his back turned: I’ve been expecting you, Jack. Ilario Heart: How did you do that without turning around? Michael James: ... To be perfectly honest, the first couple of people I did that to were not you.

----

Iecilia Heart: What's a word thats a mix between 'sad' and 'mad'? Ilario Heart: Disgruntled, miserable, desolated- Michael James: Smad.

----

Michael James: What time is it? Iecilia Heart: I don’t know; pass me that saxophone and we’ll find out Iecilia Heart: *Plays sax loudly and extremely out of tune* Ilario Heart: WHO THE FUCK IS PLAYING THE SAXOPHONE AT TWO IN THE MORNING Iecilia Heart: It’s 2 am

----

Ilario Heart: Name a more iconic duo than my crippling fear of abandonment and my anxiety. I'll wait. Iecilia Heart: You and me!!! Ilario Heart, tearing up: Okay.

----

Ilario Heart: This is a mistake Iecilia Heart, enthusiastically: A mistake we're going to laugh about one day! Ilario Heart: But not today Iecilia Heart, still enthusiastic: Oh, no. Today's going to be a mess

-

Tagging: Uhm, no. Just do it if you want to.

#character: Iecilia Heart #character: Ilario Heart #Character: Issac Riley #Character: Anna Kahale #character: Leila Travers #character: Leilani #character: Vincent Riley #character: Ethan Riley #Character: Alexis 'Lexi' Riley #character: Michael Riley #character: Ryan Jordan #character: Emma Jordan #character: Jenna Smalls #character: Mia Jordan #story: Sleepless #story: Eyes Wide Open #story: sparks #sequel: Storms

[secretkingdomjellyfish]

Another day, another penny...

Here we are again. Life has become even harder with COVID doing the rounds and offing every poor sod and his granny. I actually thought I had already witnessed or experienced the worst of what humanity had to offer but no, life and society continued to surprise me. From the hypocritical ‘clap for our carers’ movement (The same people who clapped where the same people in the supermarket the next day sneezing on your eyeballs - two meter rule, people!!) to our world leaders and celebrities telling the world ‘we are all in it together’ whilst they lounged in their 20 room mansions. It was all a bit...shallow. Every month is like opening the world’s shittiest advent calender only rather than getting a nice little piece of chocolate behind each window, we get some new unseen horror unleashed on us.

Then came the BLM riots. Another black man was killed by corrupt cops who gave absolutely zero fucks about him or anyone else. People were, entirely and justifiably, angry and the protests began but then something else happened. I had already seen this phenomenon slowly creeping it’s way in with COVID making the rounds but I just put it down to me being bitter and angry at life, therefore my perception of people (I had already set the bar WAAAAAY low) was skewed.

I saw people take advantage of an entire society’s grief. I saw the vultures circle to loot and hate or to share their idiologies of hate and pain and recruit more angry, tired teenagers to do their twisted bidding.

I saw both extremes of the coin take advantage of the situation to spread that same hate and lash out at the other side. ‘Don’t look at us, look at what the other side are doing!’ I heard them cry. ‘The people protesting are just violent thugs, look at them causing all this damage, how else are the police meant to act?!’. ‘It’s not us, we are just so tired of the police taking advantage of us and I REALLY need these new Nikes’.

But then there were the people in the middle. The people who just wanted real change. The people who just wanted the hate, the pain and the injustice to stop. Those people marched and protested and wanted their voices heard. Who were seeing what I and many others were seeing and wanted to restore the balance. Unfortunately they were quickly drowned out by the screeching of the two extremes and it became a game of ‘who could sling the most mud to deflect from their own actions’.

To say I’m sickened is an understatement. I’m embarrassed and I’m ashamed. I’m ashamed to even call myself a human being. My heart is utterly breaking at how broken we really are, how much trauma has been ignored and how easily we are influenced by shiny, new things. How the media continually drives us, like the herd animals we are, to consume, to buy, to hate others that are different to us. To make us think that our little tribe, family, race are the best and everyone else is wrong.

Do me a favour. Find a story. Any major story and then go read/watch/listen to several different news outlets (on both sides of the coin - you know who they are) and see how they report it. I can assure you, it will be like watching a different story altogether. Don’t get me wrong, they all have the very basic facts but they simply cater to their audience. No wonder people think they are right, they are surrounded by others who think the same way. They feel a kinship in a really scary world. The leaders (not the real movements, not the real game changers) take with one had and point with the other.

Plato had it right with his cave anology. Those shadows that the people can see are just that. Shadows. Boogymen. Nothing more than smoke and mirrors. I get that the world is scary, I get that we don’t understand even a fraction of how the world works and I understand so SO well that it feels good to find others who think the same way as you and even if you ‘see the light’ and see the world for what it really is, there are few who will listen to you. Most of us took the blue pill because the truth is just too painful to bear.

However, a new pattern has emerged here. A much more dangerous way of thinking. We just don’t allow ourselves to be wrong, it physically hurts! Everything we do is so emotional today. Everyone just wants to think emotionally rather than taking all of three seconds to think about something logically and rationally.

Society is full of adult toddlers who have a tantrum when they are challenged. Rather than giving them our time, we should be giving them a sippy cup with chocolate milk and a nap. I get it, it feels bloody good to scream and be angry. To blame someone other than yourself or your leaders for the life you have lived. All those missed chances? Not your fault, not your parents or your leaders fault. It was those pesky (insert blameless minority here)

Now I can already hear many of you shouting ‘I hear you lamenting but I don’t hear you coming up with any answers’ but the solution is simple. The implementation is incredibly complex and difficult and (unfortunately I believe it is also impossible but I’m praying I’m wrong) will require everyone to do their part but the answer is so SO simple. Equality.

I don’t mean the bullshit ‘everyone should be treated the same’ that’s not equality. I’m saying EVERYONE should be given the same chances regardless of their race, gender, sexuality, sex, wealth. Instead, the world is incredibly unbalanced and unequal and I have strong feeling that mother nature is about to shift it back into balance because she is a bad bitch who is fed up with us just taking but not giving back.

In my teens I went through a phase (I can hear the sniggering in the back). I found wicca (I can now hear louder sniggering). Now this phase lasted about 6 months and generally involved me wearing a lot of black, buying some coloured candles and generally trying out some cool spells because I could now do motherfucking magic biatches! But, soon enough, it fissled out and I got bored and moved onto something else (mainly the grunge scene - they, just, like...got me, you know?). But, I took one of my very core beliefs away from it. As at the heart of this beautiful religion it was all about balance. Whatever you took, you had to give back and EVERYTHING came back threefold - you had pay the dammed ferryman (you always have to pay eventually and not always in the ways you expect) . So, you sent out good vibes? You got those good vibes magnified right back atcha! Kind of a witchy butterfly effect.

Furthermore (check me out with the academic phrasing..eh? eh?!) many of followers of Wicca believed that their main deity was simply like a multi faceted diamond with many faces and each aspect simply reflected a different religion, deity or belief system and that she was always with them no matter what deity they believed in. (disclaimer - It’s been a long time since I was involved in this so if I’m wrong, please accept my deepest and most sincere apologies) but, again, it kinda made sense to me at the time (and still does). When I first started, it was new, it was different and it gave me purpose but then the glamor kinda got scraped off and I actually had to do some hard work and, being a teenager, I was just not into that.

Now I know many of you are asking ‘what the hell has this got to do with the price of cheese’ but bear with me because the answer is, again, relatively simple.

It’s all about balance. We have taken but not given back for so long. As a society we think that being successful is hoarding as much wealth as possible, drinking champagne and eating caviar whenever we feel like it, occasionally giving a few quid to charity to show that ‘we’re in this together’ because that is what the media have us believe. That it’s the ULTIMATE goal to have your own private jet and generally just whittle your life away doing nothing but pamper yourself.

We think the only way to achieve this is to take it by force. To be ruthless and cutthroat and step on as many heads as we can to get to the top, right?! That’s always been the way it was done!

However, that might have worked for a while but, as a society we have kinda went full circle and are right back at the start - openly rejecting facts and evidence for emotion (well it feels better to believe in x therefore it must be x) and anecdotal evidence (if you crack an egg at the fulll moon whilst hopping on one foot, you will totally get rid of that cancer - it totally worked for a friend of a friend so it must be true).

Right now the world is a giant carnival game and we all know those carnival games are rigged as shit. Step right up, Steeeep right up! Come along, try your luck! Why you look like an amazingly (add appropriate adjective here) individual, I bet YOU could win - not like any of these other chumps. The whole thing is rigged in favour of the wealthy and powerful and, in all honesty, I completely understand. It’s in our very nature.

It’s been so insidiuous and we have been bombarded so much with this message that we now have an entire generation of very broken and exhausted individuals who think that surviving and living are the same thing. News flash. They’re not.

This is why we are in the situation we are in. We have simply been sleep walking and ignoring what is right in front of us. In order to move on, we need to accept some really hard truth and take a long, good look at who we are as both individuals and as a society. Honestly? I don’t think we are ready for that yet the other two options are to continue the way we are going and let mother nature do her thing or simply destroy ourselves in the process. We are quickly running out of options and I REALLY don’t want to be the guy who said ‘I told you so’.

Now before anyone starts with the whole ‘you’re so wrong because (insert appropriate defense here) just stop and think for three seconds. Let that knee jerk reaction go and give it time to sink in. Even read it again if you have the attention span to do so and then think. Is he really wrong? Maybe the truth just hurts.

TL;DR - society is really broken and there’s no easy fix.

#wtf #covid #blm #hardchoice #depression #anxiety #currentaffairs

[askmerriauthor]

Soft Apoc Ideas - Zombies

Because @techmomma mentioned it before and now my brain’s been rolling it around in my head.  Discussion of Zombie films below, along with some potential spoilers for certain films used as examples.

So a “Soft Apocalypse” is a narrative genre where the end of the world/fall of civilization has occurred, but it wasn’t some big cataclysm.  Things just kind of... fizzled.  A slow ease into the grave rather than an earth shattering kaboom.  And, more often than not, the end isn’t really the end - it just marks the conclusion of one method of civilization giving rise to a new one growing atop the ruins of the old, still clinging to some ideas of that past.  As far as end of the world stories go, the Soft Apoc tends to be a little more introspective, focusing on the feelings and thoughts of the survivors rather than the disaster itself.  Often the actual cause of the end of the world isn’t really discussed in great detail or even at all - it might purely be an background concept that sets the stage rather than the focus of events.  It’s not about what happened then, but what’s happening since.

The Zombie genre, on the other hand, is a lot more immediate and active in it’s threat.  We usually see Zombie stories taking place either immediately before or immediately after an outbreak, where the presence of the undead is the primary source of danger for the cast to contend with.  What Zombies represent varies wildly from story to story.  They may be presented as a biblical apocalypse, the result of science gone amok, the flaws of man’s hubris, an analogy to man’s selfish consumerism, or even just an unfeeling, inevitable force of nature that can only be endured but not defeated.  As @techmomma observed, it’s difficult to write a Soft Apoc concept given the two genres’ contrasting elements.  But not impossible; Zombies is such a densely saturated genre in and of itself that there’s always examples to be found.

Some good examples in recent cinematic history include “Zombieland”, “Sean of the Dead”, “The Dead Don’t Die” and to some degree “Warm Bodies”.  These four immediately leap to mind as being examples of the most common examples of different outcomes of a Zombie infestation.

“The Dead Don’t Die” is a quirky, fourth-wall-breaking novelty film set in a cozy little nowhere town, with the focus being on the small time sheriff and deputy pair who find themselves caught in the end of the world.  The dead rise and begin killing everyone, but the characters meet the whole conflict with a weirdly passive, bemused reaction both for the situation at hand and their own behavior.  The cause of the Zombies is never explained and, in the end, it’s assumed that all of mankind will die in a hopeless, slow-spreading downfall.

“Zombieland” is another comedy/action-based film where the bulk of the story is told post-outbreak, where a group of survivors is making their way through the ruins of civilization.  It’s mostly a vehicle for amusing banter and gratuitous violence toward Zombies, all played for humor as everyone involved is 100% genre savvy.  In this case the threat of Zombies is still active and present, but more easily contended with despite not being solvable.  The cast are simply living what time they have left as best they can, knowing the world they knew is gone forever but trying to have fun on their way out.

 “Warm Bodies” is the curious addition of a romance story told between Zombies and Survivors, where the primary protagonist is a Zombie himself.  In this story the Zombies have the previously unknown potential to return to life and gradually re-integrate with the remnants of Human society, even joining forces with mankind to fend off undead that have gone too far beyond the point of no return.  The story is firmly in the Soft Apoc style as it ends with a hopeful note of restoring both the world and the still-salvageable undead.

“Sean of the Dead” has all the trappings of your standard Zombie movie, albeit told very tongue-in-cheek.  It doesn’t seem to take the outbreak seriously right up until the mid-point in the story where the shoe drops and everyone realizes “yes, this is in fact horrific” as the tone of the movie changes instantly into straight-up horror.  But the rug is pulled out from us again as it’s revealed that it’s only horror because the cast we’ve been following were a bunch of idiots who put themselves into the worst situation possible.  At the end of the movie the military rolls up in full force, logically wipes out the shambling hordes of Zombies in a hail of gunfire, and contains the outbreak very swiftly.  Humanity at large never really collapsed and, in the last minutes of the movie, we see how mankind has adapted to the presence of remaining elements of the undead.  Such as using them as mindless slave labor, for callous daytime television entertainment, and very lightly touching on what sort of social and personal impact the remaining presence of Zombies has on individuals.  It leaves the audience with the understanding that all it will take is these idiots doing something dumb again for the outbreak to return and likely be quashed just as quickly, but they’ll never learn.

While I don’t have an immediate example off the top of my head, I do have my own idea for how a Soft Apoc Zombie setting might go.  I’m certain I’m not the first to have this idea, so if anyone can send me some titles that already delve into this concept, I’d appreciate it.

My basic idea would be that the Zombie Outbreak, whatever may have caused it, led to the collapse of most elements of society but not all.  It was also in the vaguely recent past - maybe within 100 years of the present story taking place.  While there are still roving Zombies out there in the world, they’re not an active “unstoppable hordes of millions consuming all they cross” threat any longer.  They did their damage, were widely defeated or just fizzled out on their own over time, and now there’s only traces of them left.  Their presence is less of an overwhelming tidal wave swallowing up everything and treated more like “Yeah, we always get flooded this time of year, so we built our houses on stilts and have good water-damage insurance” sort of disaster.   The real issue is that the infection rate of Zombification is 100%: it is known and completely guaranteed that every currently living person and any young that are born in generations to come, upon death, will rise as a Zombie.  This is just how the Human life cycle operates now - you’re born, you grow old, you die, you come back as a Zombie.  No exceptions, no cures, no way to avoid it.  So then the story becomes less a matter of trying to solve Zombification and more of an exploration of how people react, how society changes, and what sort of practices come out of this known state of being.  How does society change to protect itself knowing that any accidental death could potentially cascade into countless more?  How do people address end-of-life preparation both in practical and spiritual aspects knowing they will shortly rise as a Zombie?  How do art, culture, medicine, and science change to factor in this new facet of the life cycle?  How is the nature of Zombies and the original outbreak recognized so long after the fact - is it still seen as a disaster, or has it warped into legend and taken on elements of a cultural origin tale?  It can even be pushed out further to address environmental questions, such as what happens to Earth’s ecosystem when the food chain is so heavily upset, if some or any animals also became Zombified, what sort of impact there is on the environment with the shift both in population/production as well as the sudden presence of so much methane and nitrogen in the atmosphere from all the dead wandering around.

Despite all my chatter on this stuff, I actually hate the Zombie genre in general because it’s so often nothing but grim hopelessness and gratuitous suffering - same for the Disaster/End of the World genres by and large.  So it should be little surprise that my personal exploration of the medium would be “Zombies, but where everything except Zombies is what’s actually important”.

#zombies #writing stuff #literature discussion

[missfay49]

Sanders Sides Theory – July 3, 2019-August 16, 2019

The last side will be Aggression. Please enjoy this short essay explaining why.

 Looong post below the cut.

Premise:

Orange.  The mythical last Side needed to complete the rainbow that is C!Thomas.  According to color theory, orange signifies High Activity, Action, Impulse, and… Aggression.  But many of the sides don’t neatly fit into any of the traditional color theories. While it would complete the rainbow, their color is not going to define their trait.  So just toss that out right now.

I racked my brain to come up with another unspoken personality trait that could be considered shameful like Deceit and Remus, that C!Thomas could possibly have within him.  I actually sat on this post for more than a month because the pieces didn’t fit. But now that I’ve started to see other posts about the last Side being Anger, in the context of standing up for oneself, (Righteous Fury) I think it makes sense.  What is the literally opposite of how we view C!Thomas in these videos?  Kind, sympathetic, accepting C!Thomas?  Aggression and violence.  

Examples of Violence or Aggression in the show:

AoVD – Roman slays a dragon-witch to protect an imaginary Valerie.  Roman is considered to be acting par-for-the-course for killing the dragon-witch, and no one minds because he did it to defend someone.  

AA - Login throws a keyboard at Thomas to make a point.  

-Some kinds of violence are acceptable to society, like defeating ‘bad’ people.  Or for science.

LNTAO – Logan screams and throws a crumpled paper at Roman, hitting him in the eye.  This causes Patton and Roman to lead a full-on puppet-based theatrical production about why we need to express our feelings in healthy ways.  (Logan had to hit him in the eye, for the sake of the idiom, “an eye for an eye”.) (Also, Logan had a feeling for once, and it was anger.)

EP – Virgil throws a rock at C!Thomas and hits him in the face, but immediately feels bad about it.  

-Some kinds of violence are not acceptable.

(I’m leaving out the latest episode for a reason.)

The Sides have quietly been exploring and dealing with aggression the whole time.  This is also why Virgil, as someone trying to reform themselves, seems to actually be afraid of the yet-unknown ‘other’ Side.  He knows how bad something like that has the potential to be.  With the last episode’s reveal of Remus, he seems resigned to the fact that all the Sides will eventually come out, and he can’t control or prepare for it as much as he thought he could.  He’s scared.

Counter-Argument:

Let me stop you right there- if the other sides act out and are violent or aggressive sometimes, does that mean there needs to be a whole ‘nother side for it?  Why isn’t that just something they do?

One Side exhibiting a trait from another Side is par for the course, of course.  We were not officially introduced to Deceit until episode CLBG, but Virgil has been specifically reminding everyone not to lie since way back in AOVD, as well as several episodes that bring up instances of lying to ourselves, or denying reality: ANYOLTM, TDSOD, AOVD.  Patton, Roman, and Logan have all been caught lying since early episodes, despite us not knowing Deceit existed.  Therefore, the fact that many of them have acted aggressively in the past is a solid indicator that Aggression will be its own Side.

The Meat of the Argument – Suppression:

There are no light or dark sides, good or bad sides.  There are only those sides that C!Thomas has, or has not, already accepted are a part of him.

Being nurturing, logical, and creative (to an extent) are all sides that have been encouraged in him, and most of us, from early childhood.  Showing these traits is considered positive behavior, and conducive to functioning in society.  

There are no light or dark sides.

Meanwhile, being duplicitous or selfish, creating things that seem too dark, or having paranoid thoughts are all often dismissed or considered to be unacceptable by large swaths of people, particularly when we’re young.  As my own example, I went to a Christian pre-school in 1992-93 (I’m old, okay?).  One day while finger-painting, I drew a large green snake attacking an airplane.  Yeah, that’s right, I came up with “Snakes on a Plane”, and that’s why I included the date.  Suck it, Hollywood.  

That finger-painting was, and still is, the best depiction of an airplane I have ever produced.  I can still picture it.  I was so proud, I excitedly told my teacher exactly what was going on in the scene when she asked.  She promptly took it away and threw it in the trash, because, “Violence is wrong.”

I cried.  I hadn’t actually attacked a plane full of people, or created a real life violent snake.  I’d only thought about it and drawn a picture.  It was a compelling story for a five year old!

Suppressing ‘negative’ thoughts doesn’t help us.  Every Side only wants what’s best for C!Thomas.  Virgil wants to protect him.  Deceit wants him to be successful.  Remus wants C!Thomas to be free to express himself, without being limited by what society (or even his own wholesome viewers) might find acceptable.  

Yet, we are taught to suppress these kinds of thoughts and ideas, to deny they even exist.  But we know, because the series shows us, that even these ‘darker’ sides can be useful.  How?  

All things in moderation.

Moderation is the key.  Focusing too much on any one facet hurts us, while working towards a balance helps us.  Even our acceptable traits can hurt us when they’re taken to the extreme: Being too logical can lead to disregarding feelings and producing lower quality work, just for the sake of meeting a deadline.  Being too fanciful can cause us to get lost in a daydream when we need to take care of our responsibilities.  Being too protective of an ideal can make us blind to the way someone is trying to express themselves.  

One by one, C!Thomas has shown how each Side can be helpful to him.  And anxiety is the key, the linchpin.  Feeling stress can be a way to alert us of possible dangers, societal faux-pas, and cause us to change course to ensure a positive outcome.  This is the base human emotion, that for centuries has allowed us to conform, just a little, to stay in a group, and keep us from getting eaten by freakin’ wolves!  Anxiety is accepted as useful.

Acceptance.

Heck, Remus was introduced and (more or less) accepted in a single (long) episode!  I left out the examples of violence in his episode until now, because each and every one of them was ultimately accepted as just being a creative part of our brains that happens sometimes, unworthy of lingering on.  They do not matter.  It was immediately resolved that Remus simply can’t control or predict his imaginative outbursts, but would like to be accepted all the same because he doesn’t want C!Thomas to miss out on what could be a huge portion of his creative ability.  He’s hurt by the fact he was rejected in the first place.

So, although Deceit has not yet been accepted per se, we can fully anticipate it, and the acceptance of any remaining unknown Sides, given enough time.  And this pattern of acceptance will be their downfall.

Progression:

Why has it taken so long to get to this Side?  

When the series first started, C!Thomas’s anxiety was high.  He was just coming to accept it existed, let alone how to deal with it and turn it to his advantage.  When you feel anxious all the time, it’s incredibly difficult to ever really feel confident in yourself or what you’re doing.  We can’t stick up for ourselves if we don’t feel confident about ourselves in the first place.  

Anxiety directly inhibits Confidence.

Exactly through the act of resolving his various Sides, the Sides become more and more confident, more valid. C!Thomas grows as a person and feels more comfortable with who he is and his path.  His anxiety evolves and balances out, allowing him to feel more confident in his decision making.

The point is always to achieve balance, and accept what each Side brings to the table.  And now we’re finally at the most recent video, in which we literally come to terms with the ability to have dark thoughts without them necessarily changing our behavior in real life.  Confidence becomes okay.  He believes in his ability to make choices that are just, like in the literal courtroom conclusion.  C!Thomas MUST reach the point where he can accept that premise, because otherwise Aggression would never be palatable.  Standing up for yourself would never be possible.  He could never be confident if he was still worried about randomly committing violent acts against his will.  

In this episode, we see the result of a Virgil that has slowly been growing more confident in his role and purpose, because he and Patton demand the group just “trust us”.  But a confident Virgil is like a feedback loop into the speaker: the noise becomes stronger, more distorted, and more painful with each iteration.  When he finds himself aligned with Remus unexpectedly, his feelings of confidence sink and his doubt skyrockets.

Prediction:

Not in the next episode, but definitely coming up, C!Thomas will experience an injustice from outside forces. There will be an increased level of anxiety, in which Virgil reaches an unbearable level, and C!Thomas wonders if aggressively pursuing his goals will cause him to lose his sense of self.  He was wronged, but how far is he willing to go to right it?  Can he handle that kind of social conflict?

C!Thomas doesn’t believe in violence, sure, but he can’t let this one go, not after everything else he’s given up so far.  Roman deserves this.  He will ultimately be manipulated into tabling his Anxiety, because he feels he deserves to be successful, and he can’t afford to let fear stop him now.  

The Set Up:

With Anxiety out of the way, something changes in the others.  They feel free, more confident.  This time the choice was knowingly made to reject Virgil, instead of leaving everyone confused like it did in AA.  And at least some of them can feel justified about it, because he was getting out of control.  They’ll bring him back when it’s all over, they tell themselves.  But with Patton’s help, C!Thomas still feels one last pang of doubt.  Was it right to remove Virgil?  At this, Logan will turn on him, reasoning that the entire point of EVERYTHING was to be successful, and “now that we’re here, you’re just going to throw it all away?  For what?!  To save face with someone who doesn’t even deserve it?  To let some jerk decide what you’re capable of, for you?  This could be- IS everything we’ve been working towards!”  The set-up of him being the savior in DWIT, and feeling more confident in his status as “cool” and capable, will be his driving force.  Even Roman is on-board with this, he wants the spotlight so badly! Logan’s voice will change.  He’ll become unreasonable, emotional.  And at that point it will become clear he’s not himself.  He will hit the floor like the battery just died in his little robot puppet.  And what rises up in his place?  Well...

Aggression will appear without any fancy dress.  He will be wearing a t-shirt, possibly with some orange, or some small, hard-to-see detail indicating his trait, but will otherwise look exactly like C!Thomas does in everyday life.  This is the insidiousness of anger and violent thoughts; You can never tell, just by looking, who might act on them.

He will be an energetic, twitching mess of barely controlled excitement, looking for any outlet.  He might display potential traits for an addictive personality.  He will give clear instructions and expect to be listened to.  “Do it.  Do it, now- STOP TALKING AND D-!“

All of the increasingly extravagant costumes for each new side have just been a misdirect leading up to this exact moment; A face-to-face confrontation with the part of C!Thomas that he feels most ashamed of: actual pride in himself.  

Why?

Why would it be hard for someone to be proud of themselves?  

Already addressed in DWIT, pride is a ‘sin’.  We convince ourselves not to feel it, because the ‘right’ thing to do is accept our lot in life, to believe we don’t even deserve what we have, let alone dare to reach for more. One of the greatest struggles we face in a world where we have access to a relentless stream of information, is reconciling our position compared to others.  Every time we get a role in the play, are we taking from someone else?  Maybe we didn’t really earn that opportunity.  The act of pursuing anything non-critical to survival is juxtaposed by our sense of justice.  We struggled, so we deserve something for our efforts.  

People who have struggled hard to make something of themselves, only to find their path blocked by someone else, something outside of their control… they snap.  They reach an invisible marker in their timeline where they can choose to either be someone that always gives in, gives to others, never chooses themselves… or they can choose to stand up.  And who helps us stand up?  Deceit.  Because if we aren’t willing to stand up to that roadblock for ourselves, we rationalize that it will benefit others.  How many more people will this roadblock prevent from creating something?  From succeeding?  This isn’t just about us anymore, it’s about justice for all who come after!  It is righteous!  It is good! It’s US versus THEM!

That’s why, when we need to reject civility, anxiety has to go…

Conclusion:

Accepting Deceit is the first step. None of this works if he’s still an outlier.  With the help of Deceit, Aggression will forcibly coerce and overpower each Side in turn as they try to defend C!Thomas, insisting that he is the last, and greatest, piece of the puzzle needed to ensure C!Thomas’s success and well-being. He is self-serving and unabashedly honest about it.  The contrast will even make Deceit look more appealing:  “See?”  He mocks the Sides as they’re defeated.  “I just wanted to give you a calm, civil version of all…” waving a gloved hand, “-this.  But you wouldn’t listen and, now, here we are...”

But you wouldn’t listen.

C!Thomas will continue the pattern of acceptance, because every Side has to have some good in them, right?  If Deceit can be good, so can Aggression.  He doesn’t understand why the other Sides are being so stubborn.  They don’t know what it feels like to be rejected just for being themselves, not like Deceit and Virgil.  Like him.

Leaving us with one last, unanswered question: Who will C!Thomas be once all the Sides are revealed?

But that’s just a theory- a Game Theo- ha, just kidding.  If this turns out to be all wrong, well, it was a good mental exercise.  Hope you enjoyed. 

#patton #virgil #remus #violence #logan #roman #deceit #orange #sanders sides theory

[realisationanddoubt]

The binary: realisations and rants

Can we talk about the gender binary a bit? Of course we can. It’s my blog, we can talk about Naruto or the impossibility of clown cars if I wish. So I’ve been thinking a lot about me after my break up as, I suppose, is normal. Thanks to this I’ve stumbled across an identity crisis I’ve been putting off for years. I’m non-binary and that’s a weird thing to just non-chalantly write down for me. See, I’ve spent years talking about how I don’t really care about gender. As a bisexual, I’ve had the conversation numerous times. As a stereotypically effiminate person I’ve spoken many times about how I’m comfortable in myself acting however I want because the gender stereotypes hold no interest to me. But I’ve never really bothered to delve into why.

It’s taken awhile to come to terms with being non-binary. It’s like coming to terms with my sexuality all over again. As usual, I’ve been presented a choice. The sexuality and identity fairy came to me twice now and happily asked “men or women” and I, in classic me style, didn’t really pay attention to the fact that there was a clear binary choice and only half listening just replied “Oh, no thank you!”

It’s difficult to live in a world defined by binaries and then realise you’re not really interested in participating. When I very first realised I might be non-binary a couple of months back, I got lost in a strange narrative. Do I need to start wearing make up? Should I make myself more androgynous, shave my beard? How do I present as non-binary? Of course the answer (For me) is you don’t. I should have really known that from the start because I had to do the same thing with my bisexuality. It took many years to get from “How do I let everyone know I’m bisexual?” to “I don’t really care who knows what my sexuality is and I have no desire to share that information.” I’ve approached being non-binary much the same. I get that people are proud of their sexuality and identity and seriously, good for them. That must be a nice thing to have. Thing is I’m not particularly proud. Let me see if I can put this into words.

So for me, sexuality and identity are both very matter of fact. I’m not proud of either of those aspects of me but don’t get me wrong, I’m not ashamed. The idea of being proud of either of those things is, for me at least, the same as being proud of having curly hair or brown eyes. Sure, there was some emotional turmoil coming to terms with my sexuality and identity but it’s not like these are things I had to strive and work for. They’re just facts. I don’t really care if people call me he or they. They feels a bit more natural I guess but it doesn’t particulalry bother me being called he. And note, I get called he because I have a beard and a masculine build. When I was a teenager with heavy eyeliner and long flowing hair I got called miss and she a lot and that never particularly bothered me either. I’ve never particualraly felt some kind of rage at being misgendered. I don’t really care that people assume I’m straight (I kind of care in that way of, Jesus dude open your mind and stop making assumptions but not enough that I’ve felt the need to correct anyone.)

Though I wonder how much this is a story I tell myself. Just like it’s difficult telling yourself actually, you’re not any of the traditional genders, telling yourself you don’t really care about presenting and pronouns in a community that’s so fired up about them feels weird. 

“Welcome to the queer community! Would you like to be angry about misrepresntation of your sexuality or your identity?” The queer fairy politely but firmly asks.

“Ah, no thank you, I’ve already eaten.” Josh replies, not really paying attention to the climate or the question.

I even considered whether I’m supposed to change my name. Am I supposed to change my name to something a bit more androgynous? Maybe start calling myself Alex or Frankie or any other name that could be either gender? But I don’t want to. I’m just Josh. I’m a bisexual, non binary mess and Josh is my descriptor. 

Should I care more? Should I be fighting some war against ignorance? Am I somehow doing a disservice by not participating?

Not participating is basically my default. “Here lies Josh, they didn’t participate.”

I kind of make life more difficult for myself by not divulging these things. People have asked me before “Are you gay?” and I just reply “nope!”. Then I get annoyed that people just assume I’m straight despite literally never giving any evidence to the contrary. I guess it’s just a problem with the system. My sexuality and identity are improtant to me but they’re personal. I’m not going to talk about them to work colleagues or friends anymore than I’m going to talk about my kinks. 

“Hey Josh are you gay?” My well meaning but misguided colleague asks.

“Oh no, I’m bisexual, non-binary and I like scratching and biting during sex.”

You really going to just out your kinks like that online huh my dude? It should say enough about me that I feel a swell of anxiety to putting a fairly vanilla kink on a personal blog no one I know will ever read. Do I really want Tumblruser420 to know I like biting in bed? Feels like an overshare. 

This really became a bit of a deep dive into gender identity huh? I guess I’m just going through some stuff. 

Quick tangent, whenever I hear a noise in my house, despite having two cats that are always the cause, I need to check every room just in case. I even check the bathroom which only has one very small window next to the door. Just in case some sneak thief broke in through the plughole I guess. Some S’wit. Some N’wah.

God I’m just going through some Stuff y’know? I worry how much of my outlook might be down to internalised shame and not just non-chalant IDGAF attitude. I haven’t put Non-Binary on my tinder profile. I mean I have but I’ve set it not to show. I don’t know if that’s out of fear of being judged for it or simply because I haven’t come to terms with it myself. To be clear, I definitely haven’t come to terms with it myself yet. I have bisexual on my profile but I guess I’m still kind of ashamed of that.

Is it shame? I guess it’s more fear. Not like a fear for myself or my safety or anything. More a fear of people’s perceptions. It’s not even that I’m scared people will be shitty to me because of it. If that’s the kind of person they are, fuck them. I just don’t want to be “That queer one”. Does that make sense? I kind of hate to term cishet because it only seems to be used as derogatory but I need to use it a sec. I think the main reason I’m happy to just pass as cishet is because then I’m allowed to be a person. The second you’re something different that’s it. That defines you. I get it needs to be a conversation so people stop being ignorant and hateful but at the same time even just the discussion about it feels like it’s pushing me into this definition. Like being bi or being non-binary means I’m a certain kind of person. 

I guess it’s the classic tale of any ism. Racism, sexism, homophobia...ism. I am bisexual. I am non-binary. But I don’t want to be the bisexual. Being defined by something like that, something so out of your control... It feels so... dismissive? I’m not a person anymore. I’m not Josh. I’m a bisexual. I’m non binary. I’m white. I present as a man. All that shit. This is starting to become a rant on the construction of society as a whole and the role of privelege and what that means huh?

I’m creative, emotional, witty. That’s what I’m defined by. That’s who I am. I’m not just some pigeon hole word. Define me by my facets, not my facts.

Realisations are a funny thing. I have a lot of realisations in my life and mostly I like them but this one leaves a sour taste in my mouth. It’s not that I don’t care, that much is apparent after this rant. I’m just so tired of it. I avoid all the discourse and conversations about any kind of identity issues because I’m tired of defending myself. It doesn’t matter where you fall on the spectrum. These kind of labels aren’t useful. They’re just a method of pinning something to someone that says “Can I just hate this person out of hand.” and it’s rife. It’s everywhere and it’s all the same. I don’t care if you’re having a rant about black people or a rant about cishets. It’s all just vicious hate. We live in a world where people are so desperate to have someone to hate because they’re different. Whether that difference is in the majority or the minority it doesn’t matter. Hating all men or all straights or all whites is no different from hating all trans people or all queer people or all black people. Hating all millenials because they’re special snowflakes is no different from hating all boomers because they’re not progressive. It’s just pure hatred because they’re different. Just blanket statements attached to something someone can’t control to give you a reason to say “Oh don’t worry, I’m allowed to hate them”.

Maybe keeping my identity or my sexuality to myself makes me a coward. Fine. I refuse to participate in these wars of hatred. I just want to spend time with my cats, fall in love, help people and laugh. 

As always, as will be written on my gravestone one day, I refuse to participate. To all those people who fight for my ideal world on my behalf, thank you. To all those people on either side, progressive or traditional, just to hate one subset of people, go fuck yourselves. I’ll just be over here, trying to make the dying smile and trying to give people a little longer in this world to spend with the people they love.

That’s it. Rant over. I’m going to try and get another hour or two of sleep before work. I know it’s customary to drop the mic after a big speech but know if it felt like I did, I just fumbled putting it back into the mic stand and I’m trying to own it. If you look closely you’ll see that the blood has drained from my face and perspiration is clear on my forehead.

#non binary #emotions #rants #hate #I really went off on this one #identity #gender #sexuality #bisexual

[ladyshandioftheendless]

KISSteria Expanded: Sphynxia

It is said that the Ancient Egyptians of Earth passed on their knowledge and their way of life to explorers from another world..and that was how Sphynxia came to be. It is a realm steeped in Egyptian lore and mysticism which can be seen in every facet of their society. At the forefront of Sphynxia’s governing body is the Order of the Golden Pyramid, a sacred faction tasked with doing the bidding of the Gods. The Order’s Grand Master along with his Warrior Troupe oversee the safety and prosperity of Sphynxia’s people. 

Though tradition is valued among all else to the Sphynxians they are also humble and incredibly selfless, always willing to extend aid to other realms that are in need. Their warriors are the finest. The Order has often sent their Troupes to assist other realms in difficult battles. Travelers also come to Sphynxia looking for mystical advice. It is known to many as the Spiritual Center of the universe. 

Order of the Golden Pyramid

Grand Master Radames Fertari 

Patron God: Nekhbet, Vulture Goddess of Protection - Radames’ magic is purely defensive. His protection spells are a gift from his Patron God. When he invokes her spirit he can generate barriers powerful enough to protect large armies, the Palace or even the city itself.

Patron God Tattoo: For Nekhbet, the image of a vulture with outstretched wings is tattooed on his chest over his heart.

Order Symbol: Eye of Horus

Order Tattoo: The Eye of Horus is tattooed on the top of his left hand.

Weapon: Various

He is the one chosen by Ra to lead the Order and oversee the realm of Sphynxia. He rules with patience and kindness, showing unwavering loyalty to the prosperity of his people. Though he is also quite adept at magic he holds the title of Master of Weapons. He trained each member of the Warrior Troupe personally as well as being a central father figure to them. 

Warrior Troupe of the Order

Dalila Sesen

Patron Gods: Thoth, God of Wisdom and Writing - Dalila’s highly educated background makes him a prime candidate for Thoth’s patronage. Invoking Thoth’s spirit gives him increased intellect for complicated battle strategies and imbues his arrows with elemental magic. 

Sobek, Crocodile God of the River - Dalila has always had an affinity for the water due to his love of lotus blossoms. Through this Sobek discovered him and bonded with him. Invoking Sobek’s spirit increases the strength of his protection spells and grants him power over water.

Patron God Tattoos: For Thoth, the image of a white ibis holding a quill is tattooed on his right ankle. For Sobek the image of a crocodile wading through water is tattooed along the length of his left leg.

Order Symbol: Lotus

Order Tattoo: Dalila enjoys showing this one off the most. A lotus in bloom is tattooed on the back of his neck.

Weapon: Bow and Arrow

Even though Dalila is well trained as a warrior he does not fight unless he has no choice. He enjoys his position as a ranged fighter primarily because he detests up close and personal combat. His exceptional education earned him the position of the Order’s strategist. Thanks to him the Order’s warriors have never lost a battle. An avid lover of lotus blossoms, he ties one to the tail end of every one of his arrows. “Beauty can be found even on the battlefield.” is the phrase that he lives by.

Masika Scarabaeus

Patron Gods: Ptah, God of Creation - Before Masika joined the Order he survived on nothing but his thievery. He had a brilliant mind for building various traps and weapons to assist him, earning him the title of a master thief. As a God of the Craft, Ptah was a natural match for him. Through his spirit Masika can create true wonders of architecture and weaponry. 

Khonsu, God of the Moon - Masika always did his best work under the cover of night. When Khonsu’s spirit is invoked he can create shrouds of darkness to distract and confuse his enemies. The moon strengthens this power tenfold, making anyone covered in Masika’s shrouds completely invisible.

Patron God Tattoos: For Khonsu, the multiple cycles of the moon are tattooed along his spine. For Ptah, the God’s Staff of Creation is tattooed on the inside of his right forearm.

Order Symbol: Scarab

Order Tattoo: Masika’s pride and joy. The image of a scarab with spread wings is tattooed over his pecs.

Weapon: Serrated throwing daggers

Like Dalila, Masika’s specialty is ranged combat. He is deadly accurate with his daggers, creating his own special blades for use in various combat scenarios. He is the wild child of the Troupe, recruited into the Order’s ranks after being caught stealing from the Gods’ temple. Though his loyalty is now unwavering old habits die hard. He enjoys lifting valuables from anywhere he goes, mocking his enemies in battle and swears profusely on a regular basis much to the chagrin of the Master.

Vinneketh {Ankh Warrior}

Color of Distinction: Gold

Human Persona: Vincent Cusano/Vinnie Vincent

Patron Gods: Horus, Falcon God of the Sky - Accepting the spirit of Horus was a test Vinneketh had to endure to become leader of the Warrior Troupe. However his natural born connection to the Gods made this a simple task. Horus is one of the most powerful weapons in Vinneketh’s arsenal, granting him the wings of a falcon and the ability to summon and control the Patron Gods of his fellow warriors.

Isis, Goddess of Magic and Healing - Vinneketh always had a natural talent for magic. Invoking Isis came as easily to him as breathing. With her spirit as his guide his magical abilities are unmatched. He can cast spells in rapid succession or heal the gravest of injuries without exhausting his energy. 

Patron God Tattoos: For Horus, falcon wigs are tattooed along the curves of his hips bones. For Isis, an image of the Goddess herself with her wings spread is tattooed kneeling in front of the Ankh on the small of his back.

Order Symbol: Ankh

Order Tattoo: A large golden Ankh is tattooed along the length of his back.

Weapons: dual wielded Khopesh, Mysticism of the Gods, Egyptian Dance, (Eventually Lead Guitar in his brief time with KISS)

As one born into the Order of the Golden Pyramid, Vinneketh is fiercely devoted to his home realm of Sphynxia. From a young age he was trained in his Order’s ancient arts: Dance to entertain and seduce and the warriors’ sword arts to hold his own in battle. When Master Radames discovered his close psychic connection to the Gods his gifts were nurtured.  By the time he reached his teens he had become one of the most skilled Mystics in Sphynxia. He can read powerful thoughts, he is a divine seer (his ability to see into the future is far stronger than StarChild’s), he can call upon the Gods to bestow their gifts upon him channeled through the numerous tattoos that cover his body. His greatest desire in life is to see his Realm prosper. When KISSteria offered an alliance his Order was more than happy to accept. It was there that Vinneketh met Demon and fell deeply in love with him. He quickly becomes Demon’s spiritual center as well as his lover, sharing a deep psychic bond that remains unbroken even after Demon leaves for Earth.

Bomani Roboros

Patron Gods: Set, God of the Desert, Chaos and the Storm - The invocation of Set is a dangerous burden that only Bomani is skilled enough to endure. Set’s spirit grants him overwhelming strength and power over the sands of the desert, but at the cost of his own life force. It is done only in no-win scenarios.

Sekhmet, Lion Warrior Goddess - Sekhmet is more akin to a Guardian for Bomani. As a warrior born she is the Goddess he always pays tribute to before he goes into battle. Invoking her spirit heightens his fighting prowess, giving him the fierceness of a lion on the hunt.

Patron God Tattoos: For Sekhmet, the image of a roaring lioness is tattooed along his left shoulder blade. For Set, the image of the God himself holding his staff and a sickle in a battle stance is tattooed on the side of his right thigh.

Order Symbol: Ouroboros

Order Tattoo: The Ouroboros symbol is Bomani’s most extensive tattoo. The body of a snake extends from his hands, along the lengths of his arms to just under his collar bones where the snake’s head is biting its tail.

Weapon: Double-bladed fan axe

Bomani is the strongest in the Troupe, and takes great pride in it. He excels at melee fighting, putting all of his power into his blows for maximum damage. As a war orphan, life in the Order is the only one he knows. Thus his hunger for battle can sometimes grow quite insatiable. When they were of age Bomani developed a strong attraction to Vinneketh. He attempted courtship multiple times but was unsuccessful. Growing bitter from his rejections, he went to Master Radames to arrange a betrothal without Vinneketh’s knowledge. Unfortunately for him they left for KISSteria before the arrangement could be completed.

#Shandi's KISSteriaverse #character info #the cosmic realm of Sphynxia #these pics are bad and I apologize #this is also a long ass post and I apologize #KISSteria Expanded

[a-queer-seminarian]

The “message” of trans bodies: transgender body theology

In his book Transgender: Theology, Ministry, and Communities of Faith (2003), Justin Tanis asserts that trans bodies offer a message to one another and to the rest of the world, with three facets: “revelation, unity of self and body, and the right of bodily self-determination.”

(I have edited the quotes below to reflect current terms -- intersex instead of intersexed and transgender instead of transgendered. Otherwise these are direct quotes.)

For Tanis’ full chapter on  Trans body theology, see here.

Revelation

“Through trans and intersex bodies, God reveals Godself to be a Creator who loves diversity and variation, a Creator who improvises and varies the melodies that call each person into being. …Trans bodies show us that the dichotomous ways in which we have viewed bodies are not God’s ways, because our bodies make it difficult to divide human beings into two ways of being with nothing in between. We are the in-between, created in the image and likeness of God.”

“Trans bodies reveal an inner conviction and faithfulness to a sense of truth beyond what seems obvious and expected. The strength to maintain our convictions of what we know to be true about ourselves, even when our physical form is deemed to say otherwise and even through society’s discouragement and punishment of variation, is a divine strength that we know in our bodies. Trans bodies are tenacious.”

“Trans bodies also speak of a collaboration between God and humanity in co-creating what our bodies are and what they become. This concept is true for all of us; while God set in motion the process that led to our evolution, conception, and birth, we who are these bodies make choices about what we will eat, how we will treat our bodies, how we move our bodies—and all of these actions play a role in shaping our bodies, literally and figuratively. As Carol Ochs says in Song of the Self: Biblical Spirituality and Human Holiness: ‘In opening up to Creation we must also be open to examining our own creativity. We are not simply created, we seem to be co-creators in forming and transforming our self.’ With trans bodies, the collaboration may be even more explicit as we make specific choices to reshape those bodies to look and be the ways that are right for us. Our bodies speak of the changing and changeable nature of human bodies. All of us are continually changing as our cells transform, our bodies age, our weight varies. Trans people are perhaps more active participants in that process, changing our bodies in more explicit, intentional, and external ways.”

“Our own processes of self-discovery mirror this process of Divine self-revelation. We set out on journeys of self-exploration, seeking to discover our identities within our bodies. …God’s self-revelation and our own are sacred moments. The process of gender transition contains a number of revelations that continue throughout our lifetimes: the discovery within ourselves, the sharing of that knowledge with others, the revelation of the body as it appears in new clothes or with medical modifications, the telling of our stories, and the intimate knowing of our bodies by ourselves and with others. We reveal who we are becoming as we transform our bodies. ...”

“The revelation of God to us and us to God, as well as our search to reveal us to our own selves, are all features of a trans body theology. The revelation of God to us is sacred, as is our own revelations to ourselves, to others, and to God. Revelation is the moment of truth, realness, and integrity in which we come to know ourselves better than we did before, at depths greater than we had anticipated. We experience the affirmation that we are fully revealed and known to God.”

Unity of Self and Body

“A critical component of a movement toward a holistic understanding of ourselves as transgender people is discovering that we are more than just a body or just a spirit but a whole being. …”

“Being one with our bodies is a spiritual task, given to us by God through the act of creation itself.

Learning to love our bodies is part of extending the love of God to our selves and achieving a healthy level of self-esteem. In James Nelson’s words:

‘Dominant Christian interpretations all too frequently have understood self-love as equivalent to egocentrism, selfishness, and narcissism, and hence incompatible with the religious life. …The good news is that self-love is not a deadly sin. Both Hebrew and Christian scriptures bid us to love our neighbors as ourselves, not instead of ourselves. …Authentic self-love is not a grasping selfishness…rather, it is a deep self-acceptance, which comes through the affirmation of one’s own graciously given worth and creaturely fineness, our “warts and all.” Furthermore, genuine self-love personalizes the experience of one’s own body. “My body is me, and I am worthful.”

Learning to see trans bodies as worthy is so important to us as individuals and as a community. We must protect ourselves and one another from the violence that is aimed at our bodies and our spirits. This sense of being ‘worthful’ is so important to developing our understanding of ourselves as worthy of human rights, worthy of being loved, worthy of feeling beautiful and handsome and happy in this world. We, our embodied selves, are worthy just as we are and as we are becoming. We are worthy of respect, of love, and of life itself.”

Right to self-determination:

“Honoring our bodies means listening closely to them and making choices that bring out the best in us. We must choose with care and take responsibility for our actions. Honoring our bodies means learning to love our embodied selves so much that we dress ourselves as we long to dress, we shape our bodies as we want them to be shaped, and we do it from a sense of well-being.

We need to proclaim the message widely in the community that you do not have to hate yourself any longer, that path to wholeness is open to every one of us. The first steps on that path are when we claim the right to our own bodies and the right to determine our own fate.”

“That is the point of it all, is it not? We live our transgendered lives in many ways and seek a sense of congruity and peace to come from our lives, within ourselves. Peace is possible; wholeness is what God wants for us and with us. Come home to yourself.”

What do you think? What other “messages” do you think trans persons’ whole selves -- as embodied spirits, inspirited bodies -- can offer one another and the world?

#trans christians #transgender christians #one spirit many gifts #justin tanis #body theology #readings #trans independent study #long post #winter 2019 #essays