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rinskazuu · 1 year

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genshin men as songs in my playlist

aether, albebo, al-haitham, itto, cyno, diluc, kazuha, kaeya, ayato, heizou, childe, thoma, tighnari, scaramouche, xiao, and zhongli

these are written romantically, but if you want to view them as platonic, you can try.

cw: angst w no comfort, fluff, varies depending on character and song i chose. some of these are written in first person, some in x reader form, you can view them however you like!

a/n: initially, i was going for songs fitting their personality, but i accidentally made kaeya and childe's angsty, so i remade them. also, this took so long, for absolutely no reason.

AETHER- hold on by flor

throughout the journey aether's been on in teyvat, all he does is help nations, people, archons, you name it. but i want to be his escape, someone he can hold and be comfortable with. for a moment, i want him to worry less about what's going on outside, and just close his eyes. he's so selfless, and i believe he deserves the same treatment in return.

♡

ALBEDO- something about you by eyedress

you’re just so mesmerizing and beautiful to albedo, that he can’t help but feel subjected to paint you. you’re always catching his breath, from the way your eyes glint when you’re talking about your interests, to the way your body sways when he accidentally catches you dancing in your room, while he’d been busy with his experiments. he just cannot keep his eyes off you.

♡

AL-HAITHAM- out of time by the weeknd

al-haitham would most definitely let his pride get in the way of your relationship. he’d also prioritize his dying love for knowledge over you. the moment you leave him, and he finds his closet half empty, he’s drowning in guilt. he’s reaching for you, but you’ve moved on, and now it’s too late for him to hold you again.

♡

ARATAKI ITTO- always forever by cults

itto is the type of man to boast about you to everyone, having never said anything negative about you. he’s the type of man to snuggle you, and tell you every night how grateful he is, and how happy you make him. he’s going to tell you, that from here on out, you’re stuck with him, and that you’re two peas in a pod.

♡

CYNO- the one that got away by katy perry

cyno isn’t as much of a tsundere as the fandom writes him out to be, so this doesn’t sound fitting. but i feel like his role as the general mahamatra would definitely play a bad part in your relationship. he’d be too busy to take you on a date, or too tired to accompany you to an event. it’s not until you’ve left, that he’s realized he’s neglected you for too long.

♡

DILUC- be kind by halsey

with diluc, i imagine wanting to take his burdens off his shoulders, and comfort him, reassure him. i want him to rely on me, and be comfortable enough to come to me to talk. it makes me sad, how isolated he is, or rather, how he felt the need to isolate himself.

♡

KAEDAHARA KAZUHA- old love by yuji & putri dahlia

not only does the melody suit kazuha, but so do the lyrics. there's not a lot that kazuha holds dear, simply because he wanders a lot. he moves from place to place, and you're one of the only stable aspects of his life. he will always return home, to see you.

♡

KAEYA- midnight rain by taylor swift

i feel like kaeya would suit taylor’s perspective in the song. you wanting to settle down, but kaeya can’t love you for too long, because he's holding a major secret that is threatening yours and potentially teyvat's safety. you’re the sunshine, and he’s the midnight rain. he’ll have to leave you soon, but for now, he’ll let you hold him.

♡

KAMISATO AYATO- still with you by jungkook

ayato is not only head of the kamisato clan, but he’s a commissioner too. he’s used to running things mostly by himself, because he had to take care of his little sister alone, and rebuild the kamisato clan from the floor. he’s often isolated, completing work, but at the end of each day, i want to remind him, that we are in fact together, and any challenges he faces, are mine to struggle with too.

♡

SHIKANOIN HEIZOU- enchanted by taylor swift

heizou is a man who can easily sweep you off your feet, with his charm, pretty smile, and his skills as a detective. he can read your feelings and the type of person you are. he knows exactly what to do to reel you in. your love is enchanting, so unique, and will last for an entire lifetime, if not more.

♡

TARTAGLIA- save your tears by the weeknd & ariana grande

i know we kind of ignore how unhinged childe is, but i want to acknowledge it. he doesn’t know how to love or be loved, which leads to him not knowing how to comfort you. he’s going to hurt you, mentally/verbally, often. he’s going to tell you to stop crying, instead of holding you, or call you dramatic, instead of snuggling you in bed and encouraging you.

♡

THOMA- i wanna be yours by arctic monkeys

thoma is often busy, since he works for a commissioner, and one of the most well known and respected clans in inazuma. he sees you a lot, whether it's running errands, or accompanying one of the kamisatos somewhere. he's in love with you, and he'd do anything for you. but for now, he needs to focus on his duties.

♡

TIGHNARI- sweet by cigarettes after sex

even though he's a busy man, tighnari still makes plenty of time for you. he's sweet and smooth with his swords, easily swaying you. he makes it known, to not just you, that he loves you to the ends of the world. he knows how to make you swoon, from taking days off to pick flowers for you, to having deep talks with you in the shower. he's always thinking about you, even picturing your smile while he's off gathering gifts for you.

♡

WANDERER- space song by beach house

after regaining his memories, and even after his redemption arc, scara will still have major trust issues. wanting to there for him isn't a crime. but because of his trauma, he's going to keep pulling away from you, and pushing you farther from him. no matter, you're not going to give up, and you want him to feel loved and comforted.

♡

XIAO- be there for you by nct dream

xiao is one of the most obvious characters with a traumatic backstory, and i believe i want to be there for him the most. it's not going to be easy, since he's lived 1000+ years. he's used to being on his own, and all he knows is how to protect, and kill. but for once, i want him to rely on me, and for him to breathe a sigh of relief.

♡

ZHONGLI- wildest dreams by taylor swift

as an archon, zhongli has been alive for over 6000 years. even though he's given up the title, and is now living a normal life, he will always remain an immortal. eventually, you will pass on, and zhongli will be alone again. regardless, he's going to spend every waking moment with you, until your very last breath. he will cherish your love for the rest of eternity, even if you're not physically there.

i do want to add, i have so many taylor swift, the weeknd & chase atlantic songs, but didn’t think the last 2 would be as fitting as taylor’s. i have 150 songs & this does not define my entire playlist, there are so many genres. i just happened to make them romantic/angsty..

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the-ferocious-kittyrose · 8 months

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On a scale from 1 to 10 how messed up is your version of Michael? (How much stuff he is post scoop or if scoop doesn't happen how messed up he is mental)

Poor thing is a definite 10

TW: brief mention of self harm

He doesn’t get scooped in my AU, but he’s got the trauma to make up for it.

William spoiled him with toys and video games, but he totally missed the memo that parents are supposed to spend time with their kids.

He was also harsh and had stupidly high expectations. Mike could build the parthenon, and William would find something wrong with it.

But he never considered it abuse, and it took him a long time to accept that it was. He had friends who’s fathers would beat them black and blue, William never did that.

His mom left when he was eight. She was young and never really wanted kids, but William insisted that it was just what they were supposed to do. She loved her sons, but she wasn’t happy being a mom. She was addicted to Valium pills and one day just up and left with a man she had an affair with, leaving little Mike sobbing in the drive way.

She tried to write letters to Mike and Evan, but William always intercepted them before the boys could see them, leaving Mike to believe his mom had truly abandoned him.

Mike loved Evan. He teared up when baby Evan first squeezed his finger in his little baby fist. But things soured as they got older. Mike was jealous of Evan, and angry at the world. But he never meant for it to end the way it did.

He fell into a severe depression after Evan’s death. He wasn’t even allowed to go to the funeral. He couldn’t eat or sleep as the guilt ate away at him. He took to cutting himself. Partly as a form of self punishment, and partly just to feel something.

William couldn’t even stand to look at him. His abuse became worse and worse, and Mike couldn’t even be mad because he felt like he deserved it.

He watched from afar as William slowly lost his mind.

He snuck into William’s basement office once and was nauseous at the sight of the broken bloody Fredbear animatronic wrapped in Evan’s blanket and surrounded by toys and rotting cake. William found him, and it was the first time he ever beat him.

When the missing children incident happened, Mike didn’t know what to think. Half of him couldn’t believe it. Sure his dad was creepy, and he’d hurt him, but he had a reason to hurt him, he didn’t have a reason to hurt innocent kids. The other half of him accepted the truth. His father was a monster.

The time William was taken into police custody was the most stressful time of his life.

Eventually William was released due to insufficient evidence, he came home acting chipper like nothing was wrong and even looking at him made Mike sick to his stomach.

One day, Henry was at the house for dinner, and Mike found the courage to call William out on his phony behavior directly. Something in William snapped. He grabbed a knife and started chasing Mike, swinging the knife like a mad man, screaming that he wanted him dead. Mike ran outside while Henry wrestled the knife away from William.

Henry brought Mike back to his house and tried to comfort him as he sobbed, “he tried to kill me. Why’d he try to kill me?”

William showed up a few hours later, demanding to have Mike back. Mike listened to William and Henry screaming at each other as he hid in the bathroom, quietly sobbing and trembling.

They found Charlie’s body the next morning, and William went missing. Mike blamed himself, and he believed Henry must too.

He had gotten back into contact with his mother during the time William was in custody. It was awkward. He was relieved she had actually tried to contact him, but he was still mad at her for leaving, and after years apart, things just weren’t the same.

But she did offer to let him stay with her, and since he felt like a burden to Henry, he accepted.

Henry took his own life shortly after Mike left. Once again,he blamed himself.

For years afterwards, he tried hiding from everything. Desperately avoiding all the news stations and true crime “detectives” that wanted to interview him. He was done with Freddy’s, but Freddy’s wasn’t done with him.

“ITS ME”

“SAVE THEM”

He had consistent nightmares and “hallucinations” of the animatronics. The thought he was going crazy, but it felt way too real to all be in his head.

He moved back to Hurricane, applied for the night guard position under a fake name, and witnessed the haunted Animatronics first hand.

The pizzeria shuts down soon after, due to a lack of business and a strong stench of rot. The building was barricaded and the animatronics were dismantled.

He eventually reached out to the families of the missing children, telling them that the ghost stories were true and explaining what he saw. They deserved to know the truth, right?

Most of them wanted absolutely nothing to do whith him, which he understood. But a few, more open minded people seemed interested. Older siblings of the kids who had died. Some didn’t actually believe him and wanted proof he wasn’t bullshitting, others were just desperate for answers and closure. They agreed to meet at the shut down restaurant.

It was immediately more dangerous than Michael thought it would be, because the animatronics seemed to have reassembled themselves. He wanted everyone to get the hell out, but now that they knew Mike was telling the truth, they needed to investigate and find out what really happened.

While snooping around they found a sealed off room that reeked of death. They opened it and unknowingly freed stringtrap, the killer, William Afton.

But he wasn’t William Afton anymore. Years of tortuous pain, starvation, and isolation, had reduced him to a feral zombi like creature. Michael doesn’t know which is worse.

Springtrap attacked the group and every time Michael would throw himself in front of them and try to sacrifice himself for the others. He wasn’t always successful in helping them, as one of the group got his arm torn of and eaten by springtrap.

Eventually the group decided “fuck this place,” and started a fire to destroy it for good. The escaped just intime to watch the building be engulfed with flame, with springtrap inside.

Killing his father didn’t bring him joy or anguish or anything that he had expected. He didn’t really feel anything.

Mike grew close to the group, especially Danny, the foster sister of Cassidy. She was very iffy about him at first obviously, they all were, but she knew that none of what happened was actually his fault. She admitted to Mike that when she first started to warm up to him, she felt like she was betraying Cassidy, but after seeing how selfless and brave he could be, she thinks that Cassidy would’ve liked him.

Over time, the two of them developed a romantic relationship, and decide to fuck off to the other side of the country. They didn’t want anything to do with Freddie’s ever again.

They had a son named Evan (Gregory), and around the time he was 4-5, Freddy’s started, unfortunately, making a comeback. Evan asked if he could go, but his parents vehemently refused. They were a bit overprotective but they were also right.

One day Evan goes to Freddy’s without his parents’ knowledge and becomes the target for a William Afton copy cat killer. He escapes unharmed but it was still massively traumatizing, for him and his parents.

In the end, Michael is trying to move on and recover, and in some ways he has. He’s much happier as an adult than he ever was as a kid/teen. But the past keeps popping up again and again, threatening to destroy the new life he’s built.

#this is way too long #sorry about that lol #five nights at freddy's #fnaf #michael afton #william afton

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avatar-saiki · 2 years

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Head canons for the demon brothers and their sins:

Lucifer

Lucifer bears the sin of Pride because he was arrogant enough to think he could sway Father’s opinion on sparing Lilith (it’s a defiance that she fell in love with and changed the fate of a human). Now he is lost in never knowing if what he is doing is right but can’t not act like he knows it is because what else does he have? To heal he needs someone who appreciates his efforts even when he is flawed and recognizes that he’s trying to make the decisions he believes are best.

Mammon

Mammon bears the sin of Greed because during the fall all he could think about was how badly he wanted his family to just stay together. Stay happy. Stay the same. Like always. He wanted the impossible, so now he can’t stop wanting. To heal he needs to know it’s okay to want and what he wants won’t disappear again.

Leviathan

Levi bears the sin of Envy because his brothers (and him) chose to defy Father for Lilith’s sake. Would they do the same for him or watch him die? He knows he shouldn’t think about this, but how can he not? They probably would’ve left him… to heal he needs to feel valued as himself.

Satan

Satan bears the sin of Wrath because he took Lucifer’s torn wings to give himself a physical body outside of Lucifer’s mind. In Lucifer’s fit of rage, he found a host. An essence of soul. Something to cling to, but he’s no less independent than before (or so he thinks). To heal he needs someone who sees him for who he is as his own individual self.

Asmodeus

Asmodeus bears the sin of Lust because he longs for the days he was beloved and adored as one of, if not the most, beautiful angels Father ever created. He confuses this adoration with love and craves it, feeding into it himself when no one else can. To heal he needs someone who can love him equally and cherish him for the beauty he has inside as well as out.

Beelzebub

Beelzebub bears the sin of Gluttony because he never hungered in the celestial realm (I again head canon that angels do not experience needs or wants because Father designed the realm to always provide). He feels empty now because he saw Belphie in pain during the war and fall and could do nothing to comfort him. Nothing he could say or do was enough. He eats to feel full but it’s always fleeting because it doesn’t fill the void in his heart. To heal he needs reassurance that his actions and words do have value, and ofc the arc where Belphie confirms he bears no ill feelings.

Belphegor

Belphegor bears the sin of Sloth because he didn’t take action. I hinted at it in Voice of Sloth but he sees himself as nothing. He did nothing. He saw signs Lilith was catching feelings for humans and doing things Father wouldn’t like and he didn’t stop her. He did nothing. He deserves nothing. He wants to do nothing. Nothing. Nothing… to heal he needs someone to comfort him in his survivor’s guilt and ease the burden of blame that he projects onto humans because he doesn’t want to accept that he blames himself for her fate.

#obey me #obey me mammon #obeymeshallwedate #obey me satan #obey me lucifer #obey me leviathan #obey me beelzebub #obey me asmodeus #obey me belphegor #head canons

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opineonion · 2 years

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Chae Yul: He had it coming... Or did he?

Warning: mild spoilers, disorganized thoughts, a bit of a rant-ish, flowery essay because I can only speak in metaphors, talks on who deserves redemption and who doesn’t.

Just finished Secret Alliance, and as someone who needs conversation after a satisfying, cathartic read, I decided to head to the manwha’s trailer to look at the comments, and, to no one’s surprise, saw a crowd of readers with divisive opinions (I always love this. It means the story was provoking enough to inspire different insights.) Of course, when you have a tragic, pretty boy with a murderous streak, you’d get an interesting crowd, and I found it quite easily. This crowd was divided between two factions— one that sympathized and exonerated Chae Yul from his actions, and the one who believed that he had everything coming to him.

Personally, I’m part of the latter.

Legally speaking, he committed criminal acts against Eun that deserved to be penalized. In fact, he was extremely lucky that she didn’t press any charges at all, that much I can agree with. The fate he received in the end was much more benign than what he was setting himself up for; but, at the same time, I’m happy that he was given that chance for redemption. To carry the burden of guilt, regret, and remorse is the punishment of those who sobered from delusion, as they will carry sins of their former selves with them for the rest of their lives.

Obviously, I sympathized a lot with Yul, but to sympathize doesn’t mean to exonerate one from their actions. As I read through the story, I wasn’t hoping for a happy ending. In fact, I felt dread each time he dug a deeper hole for himself. (You could even say that he was already deep inside it before the story even began.) I was half-expecting that he’d end up behind bars, or dead. It’s how a lot of yandere stories would end, as if stamping the message on our heads that people who are this far gone do not deserve to carry on as they are. How would you even hope to redeem a character like Chae Yul? Sad backstory aside, does his character deserve to be redeemed?

I think that a chance for redemption comes when a character could have chosen the path that their circumstances molded them to be, but instead chose the one that allowed the first step to break away from that mold. (Arguably, Chae Yul was halfway down the first path, but sobered by Eun’s harsh reality check where he no longer had a place in her life, he was allowed a glimpse of the other path through the brambles, and he chose to tear his way through to get on the other side.) The more his past was divulged, the more I wished that he had a better “everything” before his nosedive in the story. Chae Yul was just a product of his circumstances. Mocked and objectified for his beauty (Why is conventional feminine beauty somehow always objectified... deserves another mini essay methinks), resented by his father who likely mistreated him because he lacked the masculinity he expected from a son he sired, he turned up bitter and resentful without a single ounce of faith in the world that had done nothing but consume what it desired of him only to spit him out right after.

It came as no surprise that he clung onto the first person who saw him as a human being, something other than an amalgamation. It also came as no surprise that without anyone to derive any form of healthy attachment from (My god, everyone either mocked him, or wanted to get rid of him or defile him), all he knew was that he’d be hard-pressed to release who he thought was the only person who could ever see him for who he could be behind his face.

Cue the stalking, gaslighting, and blackmailing, and the terrible, no good, terrorizing of Eun.

And yet, two years later, he was able to let go. Even though his heart “shattered to a million pieces, the sun still rose the next morning and he was still breathing.” When he realized that he no longer had a place in Eun’s life, the one person who his life revolved around, he pieced himself back together, perhaps alone, perhaps slightly cushioned by his tentative reconciliation with his sister. Drifting in space with nothing but the sobering pain of his heartbreak, he chose to honor Eun’s wishes and made himself scarce in her life, living the life she decided to spare instead of end in court trial that Yul would have lost. It’s true that he was a cruel, selfish, delusional egomaniac who terrorized Eun for most of her adolescent and young adult years with the sad hope of keeping her in his life. But, in time, he accepted the grave error of his ways—carrying with this the pain of knowing that he had hurt the only person he would ever love, the pain that he was a monster—and he would wear this truth around his neck as he presses forward.

Did he deserve this ending? I believe he does. Does he deserve something worse? I believe he does so as well. What made the difference is that he chose to end it before it got worse. He chose to own up to his mistakes, and he so he lived by its consequences. He chose to carry his love for Eun as penance, afraid to ever forget her, and enacting it by leaving it unrealized. Perhaps without even knowing it, he’s performed his first pure act of love, a feat given that he was never spared some of it for even just a bit.

#secret alliance #the secret alliance #chae yul #spoilers #cw spoilers #tw spoilers #if you disagree i'd love to hear your insights first before you call me names

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hesitationss · 1 year

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been re reading tithe since halloween for personal reasons and WOW the insurmountable guilt roiben feels about kaye… like he really thinks the moment she saw him, he ruined her life. even in a visit to impossible lands when they have been relatively happy together for years, he still describes acts of love as his removal or withholding any negativity for the sake of the ‘goodness’ that the relationship provides him.

like i can’t help but think about how his blind devotion to the seelie queen had skewed his understanding of love since i suppose that all seelie court members live in blissful naivety and adoration. the disillusionment with something you once believed to be perfect and the cruelty of it all… okay so what is love then……………..

anyway it is not necessarily healthy for him to have these conditions for why kaye should want him, but it’s actually really nice to see how they evolve and grow together. like clearly he is not trying to repeat the blind devotion that resulted in him becoming his crueller self! and we get to see his emotional progress and him on the healing journey? when he says smth like ‘i love you far too well for that’ (about his burdens) and she is telling him that that’s not what love is, love is shared etc etc i’m paraphrasing idk. and then at the end after the coup, he’s trying to be like ‘see you can’t get hurt it’s scary here, my life and my world is scary’ and she wants to take that next step idk idk i like it…..

also it’s not as tho she is some idealized object of innocence and perfection that has replaced the seelie queen. he grows to understands this, but i guess even in ironside there is still the sentiment that she is normal and doesn’t ‘deserve’ all of the difficulties in his life. as if being with him and having to share any emotional load would be some cruel punishment……………….!!! i’ll probably have more to say abt this specifically when i get there w my reread, but very fun and painful and sweet to see how his understanding of love changes!

whenever there’s like a character who has developed skewed visions of love i become soooo not normal about them… i love thinking about love (libra sun scorpio venus etc) esp since finishing all about love by bell hooks i just keep repeating some of the core ideas like ok 👍🏼 love can not exist when abuse and violence are present. we must live honestly and by a love ethic etc etc. it takes time, it takes work, it takes support, it takes commitment etc etc. as my friend said love is as love does!! anyway i love kaye and roiben i loooove them

#i’m reading the part where she is sitting ln the bed and they are being so normal and weird at the same time #they are just talking about their lives and the whole time he is like fuck i am the worst person ever for ruining this girls life!!#it’s also a nice scene because despite kaye’s instability we see her talking… like this is exactly how 2 friend would just chill #modern faerie tales #mfts #kaye fierch #rath roiben rye #kaye x roiben #not me talking about bell hooks in my meta again…#holly black #tithe

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yanderes-of-inkwell · 2 years

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You know what? I personally don't think that Wally Warbles get enough love. May I please get some headcanons about him? Only if you can though, don't want to pressure ya.

Wally Warbles - General Headcanons

Note: You are absolutely right, hun. Wally really does deserve more love and I’m here to give it to him. Word Count: 1.1k Warnings: Delusional mindsets, guilt tripping, manipulation, mentions of death, overprotective behaviour, trauma.

♤ After the untimely death of his late wife, Wally became a shadow of his former self. The once friendly and wisecracking bird quickly grew cold and distant, pushing away everyone around him until he was eventually left with no one. No one to confide in, no one to help him shoulder the burden of losing his missus, no one to heal his broken heart - the only thing he was left with in the aftermath of her passing was one fragile little egg, which would soon hatch and bless him with a child that he and his departed love had been trying to have for years; a child he would have to raise all by himself, whom he was certain would never see their father find love again.

♡ With that in mind, it’s pretty safe to say that he would be completely against the idea of entering another relationship at first. Not only because it would feel like a betrayal towards his late wife, but also because it frightens him. Her death scarred him so horribly that he was sure he’d never heal from it, and he can’t bear the thought of possibly having to deal with that kind of pain again. He also doesn’t want to put his son through something like that either, and would never forgive himself if he did.

♧ That’s why he’s surprised as anyone when that very same son of his is the one to suggest that he get back out into the dating scene. Willy insists that remaining bitter and lonely for the rest of his life won’t do him any good, and that there’s no harm in at least trying to form a connection with someone. None of Wally’s efforts to change his mind are effective, and Willy is relentless in his attempts to help his father. However, it’s not until he expresses a desire for a second parent that Wally finally cracks. Willy assures him that it’s not because of any inadequate parenting on his part, but because he wants to see him happy again. So, reluctantly, Wally agrees to give it a try.

◇ He considers his darling to be unremarkable when he first meets them. Having been through the whole “young love” thing already, Wally believes that he won’t be able to experience that spark he felt in his first relationship ever again, and that whatever partner he chooses will forever remain in the shadow of his late wife. So you can imagine his surprise when he’s able to form a connection with them relatively easily. Not quickly, mind you, but he does find himself enjoying their company nonetheless. Their kindness and patience towards him make them easy to talk to, and he’s also pleasantly surprised to learn that their sense of humour matches up nicely with his.

♤ As their friendship continues to grow, Wally’s general attitude towards life begins to change. No longer does he start his days by dreading the coming hours but rather, he begins them with an almost childlike excitement for what’s to come, usually on days where he knows he’ll be seeing his darling. He also begins showing affection to Willy more often, and even smiling on occasion. His outlook on life becomes more positive as well; whereas before he was bitter and angry, now he thinks that maybe, even after everything he’s gone through, healing and moving on really is possible.

♡ However, he doesn’t really pay much mind to these changes until Willy points them out, and he finally begins to see how much of a positive impact his darling has had on him. With this realisation comes a whole host of new feelings and experiences, the most prominent of which is Wally finally allowing his fondness for them to blossom. It’s also around this time that he introduces them to Willy, and is caught completely off-guard when his son, who usually becomes quite agitated around strangers, warms up to them instantly. Seeing such a thing warms his heart immensely, and it’s also what causes his feelings to change from purely romantic to obsessive.

♧ A relationship between them begins soon after and with it, Wally’s protective behaviour starts to rear its ugly head. It’s small things at first, such as making sure they’re eating healthy, or making a fuss about them bundling up during colder seasons. Gradually, his need to keep them safe becomes more overt; asking them to allow him to accompany them whenever they leave their shared home, scrutinising each and every person in their life, making a much bigger deal than needed when they get sick or injured - it becomes more clear as time goes on that he’s still heavily affected by his trauma, but any attempts to address this are always shut down.

◇ This soon becomes a regular occurrence in their relationship. Any time they try to bring up how overprotective he’s become, Wally is quick to shut them down; sometimes gently, sometimes harshly. He wants to be understanding, but all of his attempts to do so are always overshadowed by that nagging fear in the back of his head, a permanent reminder of what could happen to them if he’s not careful. He tries to help them see things from his perspective, but whether he’s actually successful or not is irrelevant; even if he’s seen as the bad guy in that situation, he doesn’t care as long as they’re safe.

♤ However, he’s aware that this constant fighting will certainly put a strain on their relationship, and that’s where his manipulation skills come in. He’s by no means a master, but he does know what buttons to push in order to make his darling stay. Mentions of his life after becoming a widower are brought up frequently whenever they experience a rough patch in their relationship, with him often lamenting about how lonely he felt, or how difficult it was to raise Willy as a single father.

♡ Speaking of Willy, he absolutely can and will bring him into these situations. If he feels his own efforts to guilt them aren’t enough, his son is more than ready and willing to help out. Willy is much better at manipulating people and exploiting their emotional weaknesses, and Wally’s darling is in no way immune to this. Even if they’re aware of his ability to persuade others, he always has a way of tugging at their heartstrings and making them feel awful about even thinking of leaving his father.

♧ So, really, their only option is to just give in. Leaving would mean abandoning an already broken bird and his young son, which would undoubtedly eat away at them if the judgement they receive from others doesn’t. And really, what’s the harm in staying? Besides Wally’s overbearing behaviour, he really isn’t all that bad, especially when compared to some other Inkwellians. As long as his darling complies, Wally will make sure the three of them are nothing short of the “perfect, happy family” he’s always dreamt of.

#cw yandere #cuphead #yandere cuphead #wally warbles #yandere wally warbles #wally warbles x reader #headcanons

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fcrgivemefather · 2 years

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PROS / CONS OF DATING MY MUSE

name: damien species: human, vampire sexuality: gay

PROS:

this guy. oh man. he’s just the sweetest little guy. he will love you and dote on you but not in a clingy way! he’s just thankful for you and wants to do what he can to make the lives of those he cares about easy and happy.

his smile... like a cup of hot chocolate in front of a fireplace, snug under a blanket on a quiet snowy evening.

speaking of blankets: his embrace. no, not the vampire kind. the holding kind. oh man, he gives some good hugs. shame he doesn’t get many as he deserves em - you’ll fix that, right?

he has a tendency to record his thoughts in his notebooks - sometimes as words, sometimes as sketches. you can absolutely bet he’s sketched you at least one time, perhaps when you were gazing at the stars, the only star he saw being in front of him.

did you know this man can garden? hell yeah he can! he has a few fruit trees, vegetables, and flowers growing around his haven. watch him show you his flowers, and make them more beautiful by placing them in your hair.

in peaceful, spare moments, he has a tendency to hop on the piano and play. he’ll either improv or play some gentle melodies. if you can nudge him past the shyness, he might even sing; request some abba or maybe elton john and you’ll witness that winning smile for sure.

his touch is gentle, and despite his condition, he makes sure it stays warm. this man loves touching. gentle caresses of your face, entwining your fingers, tracing the lines in your back...

and yes, this extends into intercourse. if you make it that far, then know he is dedicated to you. he wants to explore you, worship you, devour you. all he wants is for you to understand - to feel - his devotion. there is no better way for him to finish than to put you into a state of utter bliss. he is a priest, after all - it’s his job to have you praying to god, and he’s damn good at it.

HOWEVER. if what would get YOU there is him melting in a puddle... honey, hes your pathetic little meow meow. he’ll show you how to pray.

CONS:

okay im gonna get the obvious outta the way. do i gotta say it? the reflection. that’s a whole list of its own bs.

this man needs therapy. like. big time. he is constantly teetering on the edge of mental collapse and honestly its amazing how he’s kept his grip this long

if you look up the definition of guilt ridden, there’s a picture of damien. buddy can’t catch a break.

he is constantly starving himself, so he is in constant pain. he may find it very hard to be around you at times, and if you try to force your company - even if it is to help - he will freak out and potentially accidentally hurt you in an attempt to stay away.

he tends to lock his worries and concerns away, believing them to be his burden to suffer alone. it is very hard to get him to open up, even to those closest. there’s a good chance this may cause occasional strains on the relationship.

sometimes, this dude ends up getting caught up in some very, very dangerous situations - malicious spirits, rabid creatures, vindictive hunters. he could disappear for a while and come back, bloody and bruised. who knows when he won’t. most worryingly, he doesn’t seem to concerned.

no day time dates. :(

#dash games.#//this is a very important post.

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eternal-echoes · 2 years

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Of course, I like Kenshin Tomoe . But I can't like them more than I like Kenshin Kaoru. I think one of the reasons is because I feel very sorry for Kiyosato Akira. The story of Kenshin Tomoe is sad & tragic but the story of Akira Tomoe is no less sad, unfortunately they are rarely highlighted.

Because the point is, losing a loved one is a very painful thing, this is the saddest love story. I feel sorry for Tomoe for losing Akira and having to be in touch with Kenshin , but because she is a good person she is blessed with new happiness by loving Kenshin .

As for kenshin , I somehow agree that he has to bear the karma for his sins. I'm glad he found his human side & happiness when he was with Tomoe , but the moment she died , I realized that this was one of the karma he had to bear. Ofc I know Kenshin had a tough childhood , but still what he did was cruel. So was the happiness back then a test for Kenshin and a gift for Tomoe. But meeting Tomoe was also a blessing for him, because he finally realized . When Tomoe died I thought "you can go back to Akira now" and I felt good for her.

Tomoe & Kenshin are both happy but there are dark feelings implied in their relationship, so I like Kaoru & Kenshin more. Kaoru is the greatest gift in his life. Because he is actually at the lowest point in his life. Isn't he very lucky ? She is the in the darkness & warmth in the cold day. She never seemed to like anyone other than him , so she could give him her all . For a 17 y.o girl who has lost her family & hasn't felt before , it must be very hard to know his past . But she can accept it and doesn't mind if Tomoe is still ringing in his heart .

Of course we all dont want ship war, because I agree with you that Kenshin LOVE BOTH woman in his different point in his life. But as human of course there’s a favoritism and there’s reason behind it. There’s people prefer Kenshin and Tomoe because of the sweet tragedy, but there’s people who prefer Kenshin and Kaoru because the sweet happiness. In the end I just want people who shipped both Kenshin Tomoe and Kenshin Kaoru remember that the fate that bound them started by Akira and Tomoe love. The scar that marked Keshin not only made by Tomoe but also by Akira. The cross lovers that marked him.

Like Kenshin’s love for Tomoe not negate by his love for Kaoru, same that Tomoe’s love for Kenshin not negate his love for Akira.

By the end, fate was cruel but kind, because Kenshin can live happily with Kaoru, and Tomoe can be reunited with Akira in the afterlife.

Personally, I actually prefer Kenshin x Tomoe more than Kenshin x Kaoru not because I tend to like tragedies more but because I feel like Tomoe understood Kenshin’s soul more, whereas Kenshin would kinda leave Kaoru in the dark about where he is going but I guess that’s due to the trauma of having lost Tomoe and he doesn’t want that to happen again to Kaoru.

As a Christian I don’t really like to use the term “karma.” I don’t necessarily think that everyone who has committed a sin deserves bad things to happen to them. If they have repented then they should use the heavy burden of guilt to make reparations for their sins. And not everyone going through a tragedy means they’re a bad person or that they deserve what they’re going through. Jesus was scourged and crucified even though He was sinless.

The story of Kenshin is fictional, so what happened to him is as a result of a writer’s imagination, not karma. I believe that the writer decided to make Kenshin go through those tragedies because hard times is what going to shape character for good. And the intense love Tomoe has for Kenshin can only be proven by self-sacrifice.

I still do like Kenshin x Kaoru because Kaoru is someone who supports Kenshin in his efforts to live a life as a wanderer who would never kill again; she supports him to be the very best version of himself. And Kenshin loves Kaoru for giving him a home by not caring about his past. After a lifetime of war Kenshin has finally found peace with Kaoru.

You said, “In the end I just want people who shipped both Kenshin Tomoe and Kenshin Kaoru remember that the fate that bound them started by Akira and Tomoe love. The scar that marked Kenshin not only made by Tomoe but also by Akira. The cross lovers that marked him.”

I never actually thought of that before. That is a really good line. I guess the love overflowing between Akira and Tomoe were so much that it spilled over to other people. The funny thing is I’ve had a thought of how Akira and Tomoe are kinda married in Kenshin’s cheek since they both marked their place there.

For me it’s hard to imagine Tomoe being in love with Akira still since she died by protecting Kenshin - the second man she loved. So I feel like that memory is stronger in her than Akira, even though she was crying in Kenshin’s arms about not stopping Akira from going to Kyoto. Though Tomoe protected Kenshin for the sake of the people he will later on protect.

I think what ultimately matters is what’s happening in the present. And Kenshin is now married to Kaoru. What happened in the past shaped Kenshin to be the person he is that Kaoru fell in love with but it does not mean that the times he had spent with Tomoe were insignificant.

#and anon what part of the world are you in that you’re sending me these late asks #i almost didnt do my St JPII philosophy homework because of this lol #asks #rurouni kenshin #samurai x #kenshin x tomoe #kenkao #kenshin x kaoru

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loosesodamarble · 2 years

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Faustsele Part 10: WOODEN DOLL

WOODEN DOLL (music video)

The last of the Faustsele songs. And this one is dedicated to Josele’s feelings towards Nacht. In general, I think “WOODEN DOLL” speaks to certain parts of Nacht’s character and thus gives voice to many of Josele’s concerns for him.

Please, don't make that face, like you're sucking up every sorrow there is

Please, I don't like to see you beat up by memories that have passed…

Just how much pain do despair and resignation bring? Nobody else would understand; only you know what's right for you...

Nacht hurt his loved ones—Morgen, Yami, Josele—because of his reckless actions. He takes the guilt of Morgen’s death and even Josele’s downward spiral upon himself. The memories have haunted him for years. And Nacht, he holds onto those memories, that guilt, to punish himself. Josele sees this and would be concerned. She asks Nacht not to burden himself in such a way because she knows what it’s like to hate and punish one’s self. Cursing herself was that for herself, in part. However, she knows she doesn’t fully understand what’s going on in Nacht’s mind but she hopes that he will find the closure he needs.

As much as you distrust affection and friendship, They're not things you give all by yourself, nor decide alone...

These lines are about Nacht not believing that he is deserving of love and friendship. It’s less about not trusting in a general sense but more specifically he doesn’t trust himself with something so kind. And Josele is there to tell Nacht that she loves him, that Yami is his friend, regardless of what Nacht says. He can’t stop them from feeling the way they do.

You're not as awful as you think; Certainly sometimes, it must be someone else's fault I won't say to stop wishing pain on others; That's just another part of you… But you see, you're only looking at what you've lost, Yet have you counted what you've been given? If you've forgotten, then make yourself remember; If you don't, I'll be so sad...

The bridge of “WOODEN DOLL” is basically just Josele pouring her heart out to Nacht. He’s not pure evil. Morgen’s death doesn’t fall solely on Nacht’s shoulders. And even the spiteful parts of Nacht are okay to have, though it’s definitely something that needs to be worked on. Josele does acknowledge that Nacht suffered in the past but his present is full of hope, now that he’s living with the Black Bulls. And it hurts her when Nacht can’t see what’s right in front of him. Nacht is hurting himself and Josele both by denying his own happiness.

I’m going to circle back to the choruses, specifically the first version of it. Because it’s the first version of the chorus that has really strong Nacsele vibes.

I love you even when you hate yourself - do you hate me, too? It's always this way; deep in their hearts, everyone looks down on others, Paralyzed by the fear of being looked down upon…

The first half of the first line is pretty self explanatory. But the second half, asking if Nacht hates Josele too makes sense because he hated what Josele had become after she cursed herself. Nacht did hold himself responsible for driving her to that action with his accusation. As for the last two lines, Nacht looked down on the Black Bulls because they embodied the faults of his own past, being reckless and frivolous and delinquents. He hated them because he hated himself and projected it outward.

This song isn’t all about concern and looking on the past however. It’s ultimately loving and hopeful. Remember the line about counting what has been given and being loved despite hating one’s self. That spirit is shown best in these lyrics.

Make sure to speak, as loud as you can; now open your eyes - wah-hah-haha!

Make sure to laugh; lie on the couch, hold your belly - wah-hah-haha!

Before you cry that "it isn't anywhere," Make sure to look at me, right in front of you…

Josele wants Nacht to be able to look to the future. To smile and laugh with confidence that he deserves happiness. And if Nacht doubts him himself, in happiness, Josele asks him to look to her. Because she will be there for him.

“WOODEN DOLL” really is a perfect song for Josele and Nacht. It mentions the things Nacht struggles with but without getting weighed down with those heavy feelings. Throughout, it is energetic. It’s a song of hope, something which Nacht really needs and Josele already holds for his sake.

..........

Intro | Previous | (Extra) Next | Next

#josele canty #black clover oc #faustsele #nacsele #nacht faust #the music of faustsele #soda asides #soda's ocs

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amistytown · 3 years

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The Brothers Comfort MC During a Panic Attack

This is my first attempt at writing down my headcanons for the brothers, so I apologize if anything is out of character. I meant it to be short and sweet, but it grew out of my control after a while. I’m a perfectionist and wanted to rewrite everything. I made minor edits and am posting it anyway or it’ll sit in my drafts forever; I admit I put the most effort into Lucifer’s, forgive me. Also sorry for the repetitiveness and any typos you may find. I decided to write how the brothers would comfort MC during a panic attack, especially as someone who suffers from anxiety and panic attacks themselves. Honestly, I wrote this as a way to comfort myself since I’ve been dealing with terrible anxiety lately. Of course, everyone experiences anxiety differently, so I can only speak from my own experiences. I didn’t go into detail when it comes to the symptoms themselves because it’s from the point of view of the brothers and only so many are visible to the eye. Trigger warning for depictions of anxiety and panic attacks. Thank you for reading!

LUCIFER

Lucifer is troubled. Following lunch, you disappeared, currently absent from class. This is unlike you, his worry intensifying every minute you’re out of his sight. Yet he maintains his composure, resigning himself to scouring the academy grounds. Time passes at a torturous pace, his thoughts beginning to take a turn for the worst. He contemplates whether to involve his brothers and Lord Diavolo himself at this rate, however the sound of his D.D.D diverts his attention. A wave of relief washes over him at the sight of your name lighting up his screen, chased by frustration at you, your silence, and himself for losing track of you so easily; he couldn’t bear living if anything happened to you under his watch. He expects this behavior from his brothers, not you. Though his heart sinks, the Avatar of Pride uncharacteristically overcome with guilt while he reads your message. Of course, you are not his brothers. He should not have doubted you.

Your texts are apprehensive, a weighty pause between them as you hesitate to lay bare the darkest depths of your soul. He approaches you cautiously, to avoid upsetting you further. Your words alone convey the sheer panic taking possession of you, the last of your strength used to press send. Outside he discovers you, huddled miserably in an isolated corner of the building, swathed in shadow. The desire to shelter you from the world burns within him, but your eyes widen fearfully in his presence, wounding his pride. Immediately, you apologize. Sorry you’re missing class, that you left without telling anyone, and upset him—especially when you’re aware of his busy schedule. You’re sorry for not having the courage to pull yourself together, succumbing to your anxiety, your shame palpable. The hand clutching your D.D.D is trembling, your chest heaving as you struggle to breathe. He aches for you, each tear shed hurting more than the last, your pain managing to touch the very core of his being and set him alight.

If anyone is sorry, it’s him, pride be damned. Kneeling in front of you, he assures you an apology isn’t necessary—your wellbeing of great importance to him. He wants you to rely on him, grateful you confided in him despite your doubts. Hopefully, he can eventually put your mind at ease. His voice low, soothing, he continues to console you, making sure you’re aware he’s not upset, and your feelings are valid. Although he’s not familiar with the inner workings of anxiety itself, he’s willing to listen, learning how to support you to the best of his ability—starting today, providing you’re comfortable accepting his offer. Initially, he prioritized your safety for the sake of the exchange program and Lord Diavolo’s wish to unite the three realms, now it’s merely out of adoration for you, his beloved. Once you’re ready, he’ll let you know you’re not alone. He’s never too busy on your behalf.

Offering you his hand, a smile graces his features as you accept. Slowly, he helps you to your feet, steadying you against him. He notes the way you relax at his touch, shoulders sagging and head coming to rest on his chest. Only you exist in this moment, his gaze not leaving you, not even for a second. Standing in silence until your breathing settles and you regain your balance, he sees you through the height of your attack before escorting you back to the House of Lamentation. He’ll personally excuse you from the remainder of your classes, understanding you need a quiet place to recover. Classical music plays softly in the background of his room, and he’s content to have you in his embrace, drawing you onto his lap after you finish the tea he brewed to calm your nerves. Lucifer pays you special attention, massaging your tired body and kissing you tenderly, his breath fanning across your lips as he reminds you how special you truly are—brave, compassionate, and incredibly loved.

MAMMON

Mammon mourns his loss, wondering how he let them gain the upper hand; admittedly, a foolish mistake on his part. He dreads breaking the news to Lucifer, and the resentment that shows on his brothers’ faces once he confesses does little to ease his mind. Still, he worries about your reaction most of all, knowing his stupidity has put you in a precarious position. In that moment he believes their words—only a greedy scumbag like himself dares to place his human’s happiness on the line. Although certain of his win at the time, he should consider how his actions affect you more often; otherwise, how can he claim he’s the Great Mammon? His confidence is his downfall in the end. Now you’ll suffer along with him. Yet you feign optimism, attempting to soothe everything over despite your innocence. His guilt only grows, a heavy weight on his shoulders. One he deserves.

Three days of waiting on and performing for large crowds at The Fall proves hectic for everyone. He can tell you’re struggling beneath the façade of a composed and hospitable server, going above and beyond to ensure the patrons leave satisfied. Furthermore, you lend him and his brothers a hand, coming to their rescue; it should be him making it as easy on you as possible. His concern for you runs deep, no matter how hard he tries to maintain his usual air of indifference, but you have the nerve to reassure him—it’s meant to be the opposite, dammit. Each night he goes out of his way to check on you, frustrated that you continue to dance around the subject. He can see the exhaustion on your face, hear the slight tremor in your voice, the toll his stupid decision is taking on you, and it stung. You comfort him, even when he’s undeserving, so why won’t you allow him to hold you and kiss the pain away? Not that he’s asked. You should realize by now you can rely on him, right?

Watching you suffer in silence tortures him. He can’t deny it regardless of his best effort to make light of the situation. You barely eat or spend time outside your room, saying you’re tired, which isn’t a lie—working is exhausting, no doubt about it—but he understands you well enough to notice the subtle signs of your anxiety, your smile unable to trick him into believing otherwise. Perhaps you find him as insufferable as his brothers do, or worse, and don’t want to see his face after what he’s done. That doesn’t stop him from showing up at your door, hoping he can offer some form of comfort. However, you keep up appearances, supporting the seven of them during the longest weekend of their lives. You work hard too, his chest swelling with pride as he watches you care for his brothers and customers alike. How can you like an idiot like him? You’re selfless and loving, looking past his flaws to see what lay beneath his sin. His human. His angel. He wants—no needs—you to be okay.

The last day comes and goes in a blur. Finally, he can toss these ridiculous clothes and rabbit ears in the trash and never perform that dance again. Better yet, you’re free of his burden, though the guilt remains. He can’t relax until he’s positive you’re okay, knowing he’s genuinely sorry. Standing outside your room, he tries to muster up the courage to open his heart to you—apologies not his strong suit—when he hears you crying. They’re small, muffled sobs that manage to shake him to his core, blood running cold. Yeah, he should knock, but he can’t control himself, throwing the door open without hesitation and rushing to your side. The sight of your tears is almost too much to bear, and he draws you into his embrace, face heating up at his own moment of vulnerability, but this is about you, not him. He can be strong for you too, telling you everything’s going to be okay, that the Great Mammon is here to help.

After his stupidity, you tell him you were afraid to bother him? He can hardly suppress the shock at your confession, the sadness in your eyes breaking his heart. You wanted to make sure it went smoothly for his sake? You suffer through Hell alone because you chose to put his feelings first? Crazy. Though he thanks you, not completely ashamed to admit he’s touched. However, he tells you that you don’t have to put aside your feelings for his benefit; he prefers to be by your side then know you’re having a rough time on your own. He is your first. Taking the initiative, he asks what he can do to make it up to you, no matter how big or small the request is because he’ll do it in a heartbeat. You opt to stay in his arms, burying your face into his chest, and he wipes away your remaining tears, being as gentle as he possibly can. He can feel how tense your body is, your skin unnaturally warm, and it takes a while until you stop shaking. It’s moments like these he’ll tell you how much you mean to him—that he loves you, okay—and he wants you to come to him for everything. He’ll hold you, taking your hand in his, and kiss you with all the adoration in the world because you’re incredibly important to him. Mammon can attest to that.

LEVIATHAN

Leviathan invites you to his room to play video games, a daily routine the two of you have comfortably fallen into. He loves gaming with you, though on occasion you opt to watch instead, thoroughly enthralled by whatever is on the screen. Miraculously, you enjoy listening to him ramble—whether it’s about the game he’s playing, anime he’s watching, or TSL among other things—genuinely showing interest in his passions; he’s incapable of expressing how truly grateful he is for your company. His heart nearly bursts whenever you compliment him on his gaming prowess, encourage him during a particularly intense battle, or merely tell him how you enjoy hanging out. How in the Devildom did a gross otaku like him get so incredibly lucky? He can hardly believe you love him of all demons. The thought alone sounds crazy lmao.

Unable to contain his excitement, he awaits your arrival that night, ensuring everything is perfect when he hears a knock on the door. However, his smile fades the moment he lays eyes on you, mind beginning to race as he wonders why you look miserable, your gaze trained on your hands. Before he can speak, you apologize, dissolving into tears while you return the game he let you borrow. You’re stuttering, completely winded, and he can barely hear you confess to accidentally corrupting his data in your panic. In fact, he loses track of the number of times you choke out a sorry. He treasures his games, his collection extensive, but he cherishes you most of all. The loss is a minor annoyance, nothing that lessens the feelings he harbors for you. Although difficult, he overcomes his insecurities to show you it’s okay—you’re loved.

Not only are you sad, but you’re also terrified, a part of him wanting to destroy the game itself if it means you never have to experience the pain that torments you now. Regarding you carefully, afraid to make matters worse, he reassures you that he’s not upset—far from it, honestly—and that he cares about you more than any game. No stranger to your panic attacks, he reaches out to take your hand in his, hoping you find comfort in what he has to offer. And when you finally glance up, hope shining in your tear-filled eyes, he can’t help but wrap you in his arms. A warmth spreads across his face, heart pounding in his ears, but he knows you need him, allowing his body to relax around yours.

Holding you against him, he tells you everything’s all right, stuttering out how he loves you and, most importantly, wants to you to feel better. Your arms circle around his waist, causing his heart to jump into his throat, but he only pulls you closer. You’re his Henry, and what friend is he if you can’t rely on him? Leviathan is understanding, wanting you to come to him for support at your most vulnerable. Now he puts his knowledge to the test, easing you into his room with continuous words of affirmation. You always know how to console him at his lowest, and he hopes he can return the favor. If anyone deserves to feel loved it’s you, who brought joy into his otherwise bleak world, and he’ll sit with you every day and night if you need him to.

SATAN

Satan knows he shouldn’t be awake, though he finds it difficult to satiate his curiosity as he peruses the books lining his shelves. He barely registers the sound of his D.D.D, reluctant to put the book aside to see who’s messaging him at this ungodly hour; Asmodeus most likely. His tune changes after he sees your name lighting up his screen, his annoyance replaced with worry. He knows you struggle, especially at night, but he can tell you’re hesitant to reach out. Nevertheless, you gradually begin to confide in him, his patience limitless if you’re concerned, and he feels a sense of relief that you choose to trust him at your most vulnerable instead of suffering on your own. Pouring over every book he can locate on anxiety, he studies it religiously, engraining each page into his memory. Not by giving unsolicited advice—he doesn’t want to make that mistake twice—but by comforting you the best he can, even if it simply means to stay by your side, waiting for the panic to pass.

A second later, he appears at your door, gaze softening as your eyes meet. In the darkness of your room, he can tell how exhausted you are. You apologize for bothering him, particularly this late, but he dismisses you with a shake of his head and a reassuring smile, sitting beside you on the bed. It saddens him that you feel the need to, but he’s familiar enough with anxiety by now that he understands how much of a manipulative monster it truly is; if only he can destroy it with his own two hands, strangling the life out of it so it no longer taints that innocent soul of yours. To watch you struggle fills him with a rage that he forces deep within himself, fully aware anger isn’t the answer no matter how great his desire to protect you is. So, he cups your face in his hands, your skin warm beneath his fingers as he strokes your flushed cheeks and presses your foreheads together.

Focus on him, he tells you, the steady rhythm of his breathing, and his voice while he whispers words of love and encouragement. He never tires of letting you know how beautiful and strong you are, that he’s always here for you and loves you—all of you. You unravel in his arms, opening your heart up to him, and he listens intently, pressing a gentle kiss to your lips the moment you look uncertain. You’re not a burden he promises, hoping one day you’ll believe it yourself, but he’ll remind you every chance he gets; forever if he must. It’s worth it in the end, when you relax against him and smile, kissing him in return. Slowly, the anxiety leaves your body, Satan thankful that the waves of panic have receded enough to let you rest your weary mind. He remains next to you, pulling you down to lay your head on his chest and closing your hand in his, entwining your fingers. He’s content here with you, watching you fall asleep and chasing away the nightmares.

ASMODEUS

Asmodeus loves shopping, but he loves shopping with you most of all. The day is bright with you by his side, and he can’t help but buy you clothes and matching accessories to bring out your inherent charm. Your potential is endless, and he gushes over how gorgeous you are, unable to contain his excitement when your cheeks turn a beautiful shade of pink in return. He can hardly control himself around you, gaze fixated on your every movement and heart racing each time you flash him one of the sweetest smiles he’s ever seen; your very soul seeming to shine through and blind him. Nothing prepares him for the love he feels for you, but he considers it a welcome surprise, his desire to grow closer to you intensifying day after day. You captivate him, the Avatar of Lust of all demons. What an exciting turn of events!

Of course, he attracts attention wherever he goes, posing for pictures with adoring fans and basking in the compliments constantly thrown his way; nothing new, but he enjoys it, nonetheless. Who can resist the allure of his very presence? However, anger wells within him at the sight of you being shoved to the side, falling to the ground and lost to the crowd that has gathered. Their words of flattery fall on deaf ears as he rushes to you, throwing a heated glance at the lowly demon who dares to touch his darling human. He desires nothing more than to punish them for such an injustice, but the fear in your eyes tells him otherwise. By the time he scoops you up into his arms you’re trembling from head to toe, and he can feel your heart pounding against him. A part of him places the blame on himself, an unfamiliar feeling, but he chooses to ignore it for now, focusing on getting you home in your worsening state.

In the peace and quiet of his room, he sits you on the bed, wrapping you in his arms as he affectionately runs his fingers through your hair. He can tell you’re upset—in an absolute state of panic by the looks of it—and all he can do is hold you through it, quietly asking what you need and willing to answer your every beck and call if it means that adorable smile graces your features once more. For a moment he considers seeking out Lucifer, worried something has gone terribly wrong, but thankfully you find your voice, mumbling into his chest about anxiety and panic attacks, that you’ll be fine—eventually—and are sorry for ruining your date. He doesn’t understand completely, though he knows you need him, promising to stay by your side for as long as you want. Kissing your cheek, he assures you there’s no need to apologize to him, your safety more important than anything else; the demon who laid his hands on you won’t go without punishment either.

Admitting a bath helps calm you down, he prepares one for you, steam rising from the surface and the heady scent of roses filling the air. Together you slip into the water, enveloped by its warmth, and he hums in contentment as you lean into him, his arms coming to rest around your waist. He watches you carefully, making sure you’re able to relax and preparing himself in case you call on him; he’ll do anything for you if it brings you the happiness you deserve. Your eyes flutter close, Asmodeus showering you with delicate kisses, comforted by the fact your breathing has levelled out and you appear a lot calmer than before. The day didn’t go as planned, and he hopes to make it up to you, vowing that no one else will hurt you on his watch. He loves himself. He loves his brothers. But loves you most of all.

BEELZEBUB

Beelzebub notices you haven’t touched your dinner and is beyond happy the moment you offer your plate to him. Yet he can’t bring himself to enjoy the food in front of him while you excuse yourself from the table, eyes downcast and voice quiet, the usual smile gone from your face and leaving behind an emptiness that rivals his own hunger. His mouth waters at the thought of seconds, but his concern for you grows, and he decides to follow you without question, disregarding the ravenous growl of his stomach. He catches you in the hallway, calling out your name. You turn to him, his brow furrowing in unease at the sight of your tears and the slight tremble of your lip. It hurts him to see you in obvious distress, and he earnestly offers his support.

The only sound is that of your sobbing. He desperately wishes to hold you tightly and rid you of your pain. However, he falters, studying you. Your gaze is trained on the floor, shoulders stiff with tension, and the color drains from your cheeks. When you speak, he’s surprised by how helpless you sound and the fact you’re trying to reassure him, putting his needs above your own although you’re struggling to hold yourself together. Fear flickers across your features at the echo of the brothers’ voices travelling up the stairs, and he mumbles out an apology as he carefully lifts you into his arms, cradling you to his chest.

Before the others can round the corner, he hurries down the hall and slips into your room, determined to protect his vulnerable human. He notices you relax against him, your fingers curling into his shirt, and he can’t help but want to keep you close, relieved after you lean in closer to wrap your arms around his neck. Stroking your hair, he allows you to cry, his patience and love for you endless. Eventually, you mutter an embarrassed sorry, thanking him profusely, but he’s merely relieved you’re beginning to feel a bit better, reassuring you that you can always depend on him.

Listening to you intently, he never breaks eye contact. You open up to him about your anxiety, his stomach twisting as you describe what you call a panic attack and how it wrecks you both mentally and physically. Beelzebub knows he has a lot to learn, but he expresses interest in understanding anxiety and, most importantly, how he can help you, so you don’t suffer alone. For the rest of the night, he keeps you company and eases you through the remainder of your attack, giving you plenty of hugs and rubbing your back in soothing circles until you no longer shake, and your heartbeat returns to its usual pace.

BELPHEGOR

Belphegor enjoys the time you spend together, especially when the two of you are alone. He asks you to accompany him in the attic, and it’s not long before he curls around you, falling into a peaceful sleep as he listens to the steady beat of your heart. However, when he awakes it’s to the sound of your soft cries in the dark, which fill him with a fear he can’t seem to shake. Without hesitation he’s at your side, sitting up to softly place a hand on your shoulder and ask you what’s wrong. The sadness in your eyes as you glance up at him, tears staining your cheeks, tugs at his heartstrings. He can’t bear to see you upset.

Once he realizes you’re having a panic attack, he’s attentive to your needs, cradling you in his arms as you cry into his chest. You confided in him about your struggles with anxiety after you fell to pieces in front of him months ago. A part of him understands, the loss of Lilith haunting him throughout the years and instilling a similar feeling of unease within him, especially when his nightmares seem to blur the line between reality and the painful memories of his past. You always came to his rescue and now it’s his turn to comfort you in your time of need. Sleep can wait.

With you in his embrace, he brings you down to relax against the pillows, pulling the blanket around your shivering form. You rest your head on his shoulder, and he gently brushes the remaining tears from your face, whispering words of love and reassurance. He listens to you when you’re comfortable to talk, the slight tremble of your voice causing him to draw you closer and press a kiss to your forehead. Belphegor tells you he’s here for you—forever—and although he’s still learning about anxiety and finding the best ways to comfort you during an attack, he wants you to depend on him no matter what. Even if that means you wake him up in the middle of the night. He won’t rest until he knows you’re okay, and you’re peacefully sleeping in his arms.

#obey me #obey me shall we date #obey me lucifer #obey me mammon #obey me leviathan #obey me satan #obey me asmodeus #obey me beelzebub #obey me belphegor #obey me mc #obey me reader #obey me headcanons #obey me imagines #obey me scenarios #my writing

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sortasirius · 3 years

Text

“Despair” and Dean and Cas

Well well well, winning is my favorite thing.

As usual, this is going to be as long as hell. And fair warning, it’s extremely emotional.

So here it is, the thing that we have been barrelling towards for years, literally years.

Just want to point out this. Also, I will NEVER allow someone to speak negatively about this writing group, EVER.

Team Free Dads starting off the episode is so sweet, so scary. Cas’ calming, Dean’s fear, Sam’s desperation, really just hammering home how much they love Jack, how his pain is pain for them, how losing him is unbearable.

“I can’t stop this. I’m coming apart. I don’t want to hurt you. Don’t let me hurt you.”

Oof. If you’ve ever question whether Jack is a Winchester, this line should shut that shit down for you.

When I tell you I was PISSED when Billie sent Jack to the Empty to EXPLODE????? PAIN.

“Yeah the Empty can’t come to earth, not without being summoned.”

Hello Bobo, clue number 1.

The fact that they only had Jack in limbo for like five seconds was great for my heart health, thank u very much Bobo.

Also Dean wielding Death’s scythe?????? KING?????

Man, Sam and Dean’s growth. The way that they’re able to, idk, actually speak on how they feel without death looming or fear or pain. It’s just a conversation, just an honest conversation of Dean admitting his mistakes, admitting how he felt. Admitting that he fucked up, and Sam forgiving him for it.

CHARLIE AND HER GF CHARLIE AND HER GF CHARLIE AND HER GF

Also...hunters and their “dates.” Two hunters who are happily together, who are happily fighting monsters. Hm. Sounds like a Saileen/Destiel parallel to me boys.

You ever wish Cas would look and the mirror and take the great advice he gives others? Because I do. He’s always tried to be “useful” for Sam and Dean, for Jack, always tried to make sure that he’s useful enough that they keep him around. But what he doesn’t understand, what he’s never understood, is that they need him because of who he is, not because of what he contributes.

Remind y’all of anything?

And here we have Clue Number 2

And then, Sam’s realization. Eileen.

Did I begin full tilt screaming no in my apartment when he said her name? Who’s to say?

How can a lock screen cause me this much pain????

Okay but: Charlie loses Stevie, Sam loses Eileen. Clue Number 3.

I feel like I don’t talk enough about how much Sam loves Eileen. About how obvious it is that they are endgame, about how happy he is when he talks about her. This just feels like a blow to the stomach, but we’ve barely even started.

Sam immediately shifting into protective leader mode? He is the love of my life.

Dean’s simple nod, like it’s a given? Enough to do me in right there.

This is another episode where it’s just so clear that Sam is the leader of the North American hunters. Everyone knows him, everyone is willing to follow him. He’s knowledgeable and kind and fair and just and an incredibly capable fighter. Once again, I don’t believe his work on earth is done.

Can we also please talk about how FRIGHTENING IT WAS for Jack to kill that plant??? I don’t really have much of a comment on it because I was literally just like ?????

With Billie saying that it’s Chuck, the way that people were dusted, very similar to Becky and Amara, I honestly wouldn’t be surprised, especially with Donna getting taken off the board. It’s like I said last week, I don’t buy that he’s taken himself off the board, he’s too invested in the unraveling of this story to take a step back. He’s gotta break them before he can defeat them, that’s the only way.

And here we go, into one of the most painful and surreal things I will ever write about.

Dean’s speech. His guilt, his regret. The shame of not only trapping himself, but the pain, the horror of trapping Cas.

“I just lead us into another trap. All because I, I couldn’t hurt Chuck. Because I was angry and because I just needed something to kill, and because that’s all I know how to do.”

“Dean-”

“It was Chuck all along. We never should have left Sam and Jack, we should be there with them now. Everybody’s gonna die, Cas. Everybody. I can’t stop it.”

His narrative arc. Tied up in a bow.

“She’s gonna get through that door.”

“I know.”

“And she’s gonna kill you and then she’s gonna kill me. I’m sorry.”

Cas smiles.

Cas knows. He knows what’ll get them out of this, and he knows that he would do anything in this Universe for Dean Winchester. The human man he fell for.

“When Jack was dying, I made a deal to save him.”

“You what?”

“The price was my life. When I experienced a moment of true happiness, the Empty would be summoned and it would take me forever.”

“Why are you telling me this now?”

“I always wondered, ever since I took that burden, that curse, I’ve wondered what it could be, what my true happiness could even look like. I never found an answer, because the one thing I want, it’s something I know I can’t have.

“But I think I know, I think I know now...happiness isn’t in the having, it’s in just being. It’s in just saying it.”

“What are you talking about, man?”

The most selfless thing Cas does in this, and he does a lot of selfless things, is to tell Dean Winchester how impossibly good he is. To tell him that he is worthy, to tell him that he is adored.

“I know, I know how you see yourself, Dean. You see yourself the same way our enemies see you. You’re destructive and you’re angry and you’re broken and you’re daddy’s blunt instrument. And you think that hate and anger, that’s what drives you, that’s who you are. It’s not. And everyone who knows you sees it, and everything you have ever done, the good and the bad, you have done for love. You raise your little brother for love, you fought for this whole world for love. That is who you are.

“You’re the most caring man on earth. You are the most selfless, loving human being I will ever know. You know, ever since we met, ever since I pulled you outta Hell...knowing you has changed me.

“Because you cared, I cared. I cared about you, I cared about Sam, I cared about Jack, I cared about the whole world because of you.

“You changed me, Dean.”

“Why does this sound like a goodbye?”

Dean’s greatest fear. His fear of those loving him leaving him. The terror of being alone.

“Because it is.

The head shake. Don’t love me. Don’t love me if it means you’ll leave me, don’t love me, everyone I love leaves me. Don’t leave me. Don’t love me. Don’t leave me.

“Don’t do this, Cas.”

Just like I always thought. One last look at Dean before the Empty takes him.

“Cas-”

“Goodbye Dean.”

And Dean is left, broken on the floor, unable to answer Sam’s calls, unable to do anything. It doesn’t matter to him that Chuck has wiped everyone out, it doesn’t matter to him that Sam and Jack might need him. It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter, because the thing that mattered still hangs on his lips, still waiting to be said, and now he won’t get another chance to say it.

The fact that I am writing this, even with all my spec, with all my analysis of the writers’ room, of their text, of the way Dabb and co had approached this story, nothing could have ever prepared me for this. Nothing could have prepared me for a three and a half minute, uninterrupted scene where Cas confesses not only that he loves Dean, but that he has always loved him.

I talk a lot about how these writers don’t get the credit they deserve. Unfortunately, from most of this fandom, they never will. We will likely never know the fights with the network they had, the steps backward they had to take, the way they had to beg and fight and claw to get this on the screen. But they did it. They did it for these characters, they did it for this dinosaur of a show, and yeah, they did it for us.

It was not easy, I can promise you, to get this greenlit. They had to fight for this, they likely had to call in favors and make threats and quite literally put their careers on the line (you may scoff at that, but WB is a BIG company, especially in the TV/movie world) for this story. This story of Dean and Cas, the man dragged out of Hell and the angel who fell for him.

I have tons more to say, and will likely have several more posts about this, but I want to leave all my babes who are worried that that was the end for Dean and Cas with some takeaways.

Sam is missing Eileen. Dean is missing Cas. That is no longer a fun subtextual parallel, that is it for them. Their respective endgames are missing, and they will not know their peace until they get them back. Chuck will not win. That’s not the story being told, and right now? He’s winning. He’s broken them, left them with nothing, left them with an empty world and a hole in each of their hearts where their person (or angel) used to be.

Our show is going to end with “contentment.” “Contentment” isn’t from Sam and Dean being filled with grief and hitting the open road. It isn’t Sam getting Eileen back and leaving Dean with no one. “Contentment” is Sam and Eileen, Dean and Cas. Together.

#destiel #spn #supernatural #my meta #destiel meta #spoilers #spn 15x18 #i cannot believe this #i cant believe i wrote this #this is real #theyre really canon

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aminiatureworld · 3 years

Text

Distance

Characters: Childe, Kaeya, gn!reader

Word Count: 4,280

Warnings: Swearing

Premise: What other explanation could there be? Surely this is the one logical answer. Even if it hurts, even if it doesn’t make sense.

In which the reader’s s/o assumes the reader is no longer interested.

Author’s Note: This prompt is really fun to write so far but I feel terrible torturing the poor characters like this. Oops.

Childe

The warm wind tickled Childe’s hair, causing the Harbinger to bat a few orange strands out of his face, eyes still pinned on the harbor that was fast approaching. The balmy breeze of Liyue was refreshing – a reminder of all the things he had been missing on his long-drawn-out trip. Now Childe leaned against the railing of the ship, eager to touch land, unable to contain the excitement he felt at the knowledge of what was awaiting him upon the dock.

Though he didn’t like to admit it this trip had been a particularly harrowing one, not just for Childe but for you as well. The post was notoriously touch-and-go across the Seven nations, especially with the deep snows whirling into Snezhnaya this time of year. The fact that he was gone almost a month certainly didn’t help. If he had to admit it Childe had found himself worrying about the time more than usual, worried how it might affect you. Now he was eager to push all those thoughts away, to once more find himself next to you, all well with the world. As the crew bustled around him to prepare the junk for docking the Harbinger took a deep breath in. There was nothing to worry about. Soon all would be well.

The empty dock was a jarring sight. Though saying it was devoid of people wouldn’t technically be accurate, business was going on as usual after all, to Childe it might as well have been a ghost town. Stumbling slightly, suddenly unsure of where to go, Childe climbed up the ramp awkwardly. Finding no one waiting for him on the stone pier as well, anxiety began to coil in Childe’s stomach. Had something happened? Ignoring the thoughts that flurried through his mind he quickly wove his way through the streets of Liyue. Though the city was bustling as always, laughter and shouting echoing through the air as people haggled and joked and went about their business, Childe found himself disconnected from his surroundings. His only thought was to find you, hopefully safe and sound and happy to see him.

There was no sign of anything wrong as Childe approached the door to your shared apartment. Sighing softly he dug around in his pack for the keys. You’d probably just fallen asleep, having recently taken up the habit of afternoon naps, according to your letters. Childe couldn’t really complain if that were the case, after all rest was important and you could hardly be blamed for not being aware of the time while conked out. Yes, surely you were asleep. Then Childe could give you the surprise of waking next to him. A smirk graced Childe’s lips at the thought of it, and as he turned the key in the lock he reassured himself. There was nothing to be worried about.

Unfortunately the Harbinger’s genius hypothesis had proven to be a false one. A quick scouring of the apartment revealed that you were not there, and no signs of any abnormal activity could be found as an explanation. Anxiety seeping into Childe’s mind he barely set down his pack before bolting out of the door, trying somewhat unconvincingly to keep his pace to a fast walk. Had something happened to you? Surely not! Childe knew you, knew that you could very well take care of yourself. He shouldn’t worry.

Still the thought passed through his head, combined with an even more unpleasant one. Had you simply forgotten about him? What if you didn’t care? Shaking his head the Harbinger took in a deep breath. He was overthinking things, still stuck in the mindset of a Harbinger. Not everything in life was a battle, hadn’t you told him that many times, teasing his constant need to see an obstacle to beat somewhere? He really should take your advice more seriously, at least in this case. Slowly down slightly Childe walked to the city center. He was sure his answer would be here; and that it would be so mundane as to not bother a second thought.

His pulse jumped in his throat as you finally entered his field of vision. You were sitting around with a few people, coworkers if the Guild crest and weaponry didn’t serve him wrong, chatting and smiling and overall having a wonderful time. Emotions stirred through Childe, the urge to run up to you, to stalk away, to find the nearest fountain and jump into it; but he stayed put, staring at your laughing face, pain flashing in his chest. He supposed he should’ve felt angry, felt like he’d been stood up. Instead all he felt was sadness, sadness and guilt.

Finally turning around Childe plodded back down the street, steps slow and sluggish. What did he expect really, for you to wait around for him forever? How was that fair? There was no reason you shouldn’t grow sick of waiting, shouldn’t want more out of your life. You were perfectly within your rights to want such a thing. Yet the pain continued, spreading throughout his chest until Childe felt like his lungs were on fire and his throat was crumpled in a fist of his own making.

Arriving back at the apartment a supernatural urge seemed to seize the Harbinger. Pack, he needed to pack. He wouldn’t burden you anymore, wouldn’t continue to strain your emotions by hanging around like a phantom. Luckily Childe wasn’t the kind of person to own a lot of things. Not that you really were either, between the both of you purchases mainly went into gifts for each other rather than personal buys. Childe now stood looking down at some of the things you’d bought or made for him. Scarves, books, a stuffed animal that had reminded you of his Delusion; all of these things lay peacefully on the shelf, giving the books behind them a slightly trapped looked. It was so homey and so comforting that Childe found tears pooling at the corners of his eyes.

Wiping his eyes roughly the Harbinger collapsed onto the couch. What was he doing? Part of him wondered if he shouldn’t just wait for you to come home, wait and see where you two really were. But it seemed unfair to do that. After all, what kind of sleazy person left their partner for a month then begged for their love and attention right after coming home? It was completely within your rights to want more, hadn’t Childe already made that clear to himself? And yet it hurt, it hurt so much. How had he managed to mess this all up, to let the thing most precious to him fall out of his hands? He had been so careless.

Giving himself up to his emotions Childe let the pooling tears stream down his cheeks. Suddenly everything seemed so very heavy. Closing his eyes for a moment Childe sighed. Five minutes, he would give himself five minutes before returning to his packing. Yet the familiar comfort of the couch beckoned to him, and soon fatigue overwhelmed him, dragging him down into the realm of sleep. Thankfully, he dreamt of nothing.

“Childe what are you doing?!”

Lurching up Childe glanced around wildly, hands automatically moving to summon his weapon. For a few seconds he found himself utterly confused, unable to comprehend where he was or what was going on. Soon enough however, the situation came crashing back to him and the Harbinger lowered his weapon. Glancing up at you he braced himself for whatever was going to happen next.

Well you certainly seemed upset, though not exactly in the way Childe might have expected. Instead of anger there seemed something more akin to panic in your eyes, and the red patches on your face certainly pointed to distress more than anything else.

“Is something wrong?”

“Is something wrong, you tell me that!” You took in a few erratic breaths, but your tone remained panicky. “Why are you packing? Do you have another trip? Why are you leaving?”

“I, I thought that it would be easier if I just left.” Childe lowered his head, unable to look you in the eyes. “I figured that I would spare you the pain of having to kick me out yourself.”

“Why in Teyvat would I kick you out?” You sat down on the couch next to Childe, and he could feel your eyes piercing through him. “What’s going on?”

“I didn’t see you at the docks when I returned.” Childe paused, gathering his thoughts. “At first I thought that you’d just fallen asleep or something but you weren’t home. And when I saw you out with your friends, well it made me realize how distant I’ve really been; physically, emotionally, everything. I realized that, and I realized that you deserved better, that I hadn’t been doing enough. I realized that you deserve more, deserve a partner who will always be there for you, who you won’t always have to be waiting for.”

“Oh Ajax.” You whispered softly.

Raising his head Childe could see no relief in your expression. Instead sadness was plainly plastered upon your face. Reaching out your hands you let Childe slump against you, carding your fingers through his hair as he rested his head on your shoulder.

“I’m sorry my darling, I thought you were coming back tomorrow. That’s why I was out. I would never think such a thing as abandoning you,” you spoke softly, tone achingly soft, “I mean it. Our relationship isn’t conventional, that’s true; but I would never trade it for anything. I would never think that you weren’t giving enough, I know how hard you work and how much you put into everything you know. Believe me Ajax, I don’t begrudge you any distance, I’ve never lacked love from you.”

“But what if one day you want something more,” Childe couldn’t help but ask, “what if one day letters aren’t enough? What if one day, what if one day I’m not enough?”

“I promise that will never happen,” you let out a soft sigh, “really Ajax you hold yourself too cheaply. You shouldn’t underestimate yourself, or underestimate me for that matter. You will always be enough for me. There will never be a day I want anything or anyone different, and if need be I will remind you of that every. single. day.”

Punctuation the last three words with kisses to Childe’s head you smiled as he titled his face up to gaze into yours. Though the panic had evaporated from you there was still sadness, and for a moment Childe felt guilt wash over him, guilt that he had caused you so many trials and that he hadn’t even had the courage to face you about it.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry. Although I do appreciate you understanding that almost stealing out into the night nearly gave me a heart attack.”

“Not my brightest moment.” Childe admitted.

“Perhaps not,” you laughed, “I mean really, you’d think that it was the second act of a tragedy or something, and not one I’d like to participate in.”

“Sorry.”

“Don’t apologize! Just don’t do it again, or next time I’ll get genuinely angry, and then you won’t get off the hook so easily.”

Childe pressed his lips to yours, another unspoken apology. Though you let out a small huff of impatience you nevertheless leaned into the kiss, smiling against his lips as you let your hands drift from his hair to his shoulders.

That night Childe lay awake, listening to the soft cadence of your breath, indulging in the feeling of peace that lay over him. Though he knew that his worries and insecurities would never truly leave him, Childe nonetheless felt as if a weight had been lifted off his shoulders. Maybe one days his fears would come true, maybe one day this life wouldn’t be enough. But “ifs” and “maybes” weren’t guarantees, and until that day happened Childe would cherish the time he spent with you.

Besides, Childe trusted no one as much as he trusted you. If you said that such a day would never come to pass, then surely you were right.

Kaeya

You were working late again.

Kaeya supposed that it shouldn’t have bothered him, but then again he also supposed that almost anyone would feel somewhat uneasy if their colleague and partner was suddenly avoiding them like the plague.

Okay, maybe that was a bit of an exaggeration, but not much in Kaeya’s mind. Of course, if this were some sort of habit then he would hardly mind; but after months of making it a tradition to always walk home together, well, safe to say the whole thing didn’t sit well. Nor was it simply a matter of you staying to work late, even the days where you finished earlier than him it seemed that you were always dashing off somewhere, leaving him painfully out of the loop.

Now Kaeya stood across the room from you, fingers drumming on his arm, face carefully hiding the irritation and concern that rose up inside him, threatening to spill over.

“I’m really sorry Kaeya!” Your tone was sincere, and the apology in your eyes seemed genuine enough. “It’s just that Jean asked me to look over the ledgers for the infantry. You know the captain is out this week, but Jean didn’t want to have to owe the City and the soldiers in terms of late funds. I promise it won’t take that long, I’ll be done as fast as I can.”

“Why don’t I help you with it?” Kaeya could feel the sarcasm sweetening his tone, attempted to rein it in he stared at you silently.

“You’ve been working so hard, I wouldn’t want to bother you with extra work.”

“It wouldn’t be a bother at all. Anything for my dear partner.”

“Really, it’s fine!” You twisted your hands, a nervous habit that Kaeya had long ago picked up on. “I’ll be done in time for dinner. And then we can the new recipe you’ve been telling me about; okay?”

“Very well.”

“Thanks for understanding!”

Though you seemed happy enough by the proposition Kaeya noticed how fast your head moved to the papers on your desk. Closing the door behind him he heard you let out a loud sigh. Clenching his hands, as if to remind himself that he was still in a semi-public setting, Kaeya stalked out of the Knight’s Headquarters. The thoughts in his head felt like static, and he worried that if he remained still for one more moment it would swallow him up.

Walking the streets of Mondstadt, Kaeya tried to reflect back upon the past few weeks. Had he done something wrong? Wracking his brain for any serious disputes Kaeya came up frustratingly emptyhanded. If you had fought over something this whole debacle would be one thing. Kaeya had a temper of his own, and petty acts of anger was something he admittedly struggled with often enough. He could hardly fault you if you acted in a similar way, or at least not without admitting to his own faults.

And yet nothing had happened, nothing that might cause such a dispute. Clenching his hands one more, aware that his knuckles must’ve been bone white, Kaeya let his thoughts drift to darker waters. What if you were just sick of him? It was certainly plausible, or at least Kaeya thought so. It would certainly explain why you now seemed to be avoiding him like the plague outside of work.

The thought hurt, as it might well do, but surprisingly most of the pain didn’t come from the idea itself, but from the idea that you wouldn’t tell him such a thing. You falling out of love with Kaeya would be been incredibly painful. You not trusting him enough to the point you were simply avoiding him, well the thought was enough to knock the wind out of him. Did you really think so ill of him? The idea filled Kaeya with smoldering rage and indignation – fueled in no little part by the fact that Kaeya ultimately might agree with you. Usually thoughts like those were the kinds you hated, the kinds you chased away with a stick, assuring Kaeya that no matter his past decisions he was still worthwhile. But you weren’t here now, and those dark thoughts were now kindling for the fire that burned in Kaeya’s mind.

By the time he’d reached the apartment Kaeya was almost sure of his hypothesis. Though a small part of his brain reminded him that he was working of a diet of sleep deprivation and anger, such logical thinking was easy enough to shrug off. After all, the signs were there. You were evidently getting quite sick of him, it was hardly Kaeya’s fault that he caught on.

Throwing his equipment on the floor, not bothering to even put his sword up on its stand, the Cavalry Captain walked towards the kitchen. What he needed was drink, maybe even two. Really if it were up to him he’d spend the next hour or so getting as drunk as possible before passing out in the tub. Thankfully though his reason hadn’t completely left him, and Kaeya managed to limit himself to two and a half glasses of cider. He needed to be at least on the side of sober for the conversation that was bound to pass once you came home after all.

The lateness of the hour in which you arrived felt like a personal insult, though really it was only 21:00 or so.

“Kaeya?” You called out, whipping the Cavalry Captain out of his thoughts.

Stepping into the kitchen the grin on your face was a stark contrast to the emotions that swirled in Kaeya’s mind. Hands clasped behind your back you stood in the doorframe as if expecting something. You’d probably be in for a nasty surprise. Kaeya smiled sweetly at you, words burning in his mouth, mixing with the alcohol. This was a bad idea.

“How was the paperwork?”

“The paperwork? Oh! It was boring enough I suppose. I kept getting distracted though, I really should’ve had you there, you could’ve kept me from nodding off.”

“I’m sure I would have. Tell me something my dear, I have a question that’s been burning in my mind.”

“Yes?”

“Tell me why it is that out lovely Acting Grandmaster asked you to go over the ledgers when I was assigned to that exact thing yesterday?”

Ignoring the blotches of red that immediately spread across your cheeks Kaeya stood up. Carefully going to clean the glass he’d been using he stared into the sink, not trusting himself to look at you. If he did all the words he wanted to say would fly out at once, and something that probably shouldn’t be said with them.

“Did she ask you that? How odd! She must’ve wanted a second pair of eyes or something, I guess.”

“Are my eyes not good enough?”

“Kaeya, you know I wasn’t insulting your work.” A sort of shocked irritation ran through your voice. “You’re the best knight in Mondstadt after all.”

“Oh really? Well if you think so highly of me then why have you been avoiding me so much?”

“I haven’t been avoiding you.”

“Then let me ask a different question; when was the last time we walked home together?”

“I don’t know, a week and a half ago?”

“Try two and a half.” Kaeya finally turned around, drumming his fingers on the counter. “Why are you avoiding me?”

“I’m not avoiding you!” Indignation shot through your words as you shook your head. “I’m just busy recently.”

“Busy with made up work.”

“It’s not made up!”

“Oh really, then tell me what was your work last night?”

“I had to oil the bow strings for my regiment.”

“They couldn’t do it themselves according to protocol?”

“Not the new recruits they couldn’t!”

“Then what about the day before?”

“Kaeya!” You finally burst out. “I don’t know why you’re so quick to find fault with me right now! Just tell me what you’re getting at, if you’re going to insult me you might as well do it head on.”

A part of him admired you for wanting to look at the problem right in the face, another part of him thought of how well you knew him, how attuned you were to his moods. Just as he had figured out that you were avoiding him, so could you tell that his jabs were a misdirection. It was almost funny really, seeing the things you both had picked up about one another now used at the end.

“Fine.” Kaeya crossed his arms, hoping his expression was at least somewhat neutral. “It seems obvious to me that you’ve been avoiding me, and that you no longer want my company. What I am getting at is the fact that you want to break up, and that you evidently trust me so little with that fact that the only solution you’ve come up with is to avoid me.”

Your face went slack with shock, pupils turning to pinpricks as you stumbled backwards. Finally letting your arms fall to your sides you grabbed the side of the doorframe, as if unable to process what he just come out of your partner’s mouth.

“What?”

“Do you really trust me so little?” Kaeya pressed on, feeling his emotions begin to spill over. “Am I really so untrustworthy that you can’t even tell me you want to end things? Am I, am I really that untrustworthy?”

Everything seemed to be going all wrong. Kaeya had expected you to immediately fess up, had expected guilt and relief and then the end. Instead all he got was incredulous silence, incredulous silence and a look that screamed utter and total disbelief.

“Do you really think that I would do that to you?”

The question was a simple enough one, one that anyone might ask during a conversation of this nature. Still your tone was so dispassionate that Kaeya couldn’t help but pause. Did he really think that you would do such a thing? His anger certainly thought so, helped a great deal by his current buzzed state. All that aside however, did he really think that? When he woke up tomorrow, would these thoughts still be swirling through his head, these angry thoughts that threatened to burn through his happiness.

“I don’t know.” It was the best answer he could give.

“Then why would you accuse me of something you weren’t even sure of?”

“I…”

“Kaeya have you really thought so little about what you just told me?”

He almost wanted to apologize for how stupid his words seemed in retrospect.

“Would it help you if I told you where I actually was?”

Your voice was still quiet, but not entirely closed. Nodding stiffly Kaeya felt his fingers still.

“Very well. You were right about one thing, I wasn’t actually checking the ledgers for Jean; and I wasn’t oiling bowstrings all day either, I mean our troops should know how to do that at least. But you made one mistake in your judgement Kaeya, the idea that I was avoiding you. In truth I was gathering materials, I wanted to make a new sword for you. Your current one is so brittle and since I know you don’t want to use the sword you were given as an heirloom, well I thought that I wouldn’t wait for your current one to break and that your new one would be a present.”

“…I see.”

It was all Kaeya could get out; how else could he reply? Shame and guilt mingled within his mind, quickly dousing any anger that he might’ve felt. He really fucked up this one didn’t he. He let his emotions slip once more and now he had made a fool of himself. More than that he had refused to trust you, had ended up doing the exact thing he had just accused you of. Now what was there to do? He couldn’t exactly slink away with his dignity; even if he had managed to retain that, there weren’t many places to go.

“I’m sorry.”

“What?”

Kaeya jerked his head up from the spot he’d been examining on the floor, confused by the sudden turn of the conversation. You stared into his eyes, shrugging slightly.

“I said I’m sorry. I’m sorry Kaeya, I should’ve come up with a better method. I didn’t mean to make you worried, or to make you feel like I wanted to no longer associate with you. Believe me that’s the last thing I want to do. So I’m sorry that I made you feel that way.”

“I was the one who accused you of all those things that weren’t true.”

“You did. I’m not very happy about that to be honest; you’re going to be doing some serious penance for the next week. I just figured that before that I would apologize. Then we could be even. Okay?”

Reaching out your hand Kaeya finally noticed what you’d been hiding. The windwheel aster was slightly limp, the breeze that gave it its beauty nowhere to be found. Nevertheless it seemed at the moment the most beautiful flower in the world. Walking over to you Kaeya tentatively took the flower in his hand. Smiling softly he leaned down to kiss you.

“I’m sorry.”

Tomorrow he’d start making it up to you. Tomorrow he wouldn’t listen to his demons, wouldn’t let his own lack of self-worth hurt you. Tomorrow he would do better by you and more. Today he would say sorry.

After all, he had plenty of time.

#genshin impact fanfiction #childe x reader #kaeya x reader #childe #kaeya #genshin impact #requested #scenarios #my writing #sorry forgot to strike ningguang and zhongli from fhe character list they’re coming tomorrow(/today)

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down-in-devildom · 3 years

Note

Hello! I saw that your request is open. Can I request for some hcs for the brothers with a very giving mc, but when they try to do something nice for them they get defensive/guilty like "who are you why are you nice to me I'M the nice one here, don't do nice things for me I feel bad?!?" And tries not to burden them in any way. Thank you! I love the way you write uwu

Thank you for the request! Also, I hope people will let others do nice things for them without thinking they don't deserve it or something. You are worth being treated well!!!😤 I also had a hard time naming this request...

Brothers react to MC not accepting returned favors

cw: guilt tripping(?)

Lucifer

Lucifer was enjoying a date with MC after completing a sizable portion of his work early thanks to them lending a hand. They were dining at the Ristorante Six when he noticed MC scanning the menu very intensely

The grimace the MC did every so often raises some concerns for him. When the MC says that they want to order a small soup of the day, Lucifer looks at them with a raised brow

He could have sworn MC would be famished after having their lunch stolen from them by Beelzebub around noon. MC could not have possibly have had the time to eat a snack, what with all the paperwork and organizing they did for him after classes to try to lighten his workload

When Lucifer asked if that would be enough, MC's stomach let out a mighty roar in response. Lucifer was now suspicious that MC was holding back for some reason so he decides to order the food for the both of them. He signals for a waiter and makes sure to order MC's soup of the day as well as a dish or two he believes would be to their taste

When MC starts to protest about not wanting to be a burden and have him pay a fortune, Lucifer waves off the concerns and assures them they needn't worry about that. Besides, he wants nothing more than for MC to enjoy themselves after helping him earlier

"I don't want to burden you and make you pay for my meal. I am always happy to help but I don't want you to feel obligated to do something in return."

Lucifer is taken aback before he sighs and gives MC a serious and pointed look. "I am a demon that takes pride in my ability to deal out suitable punishments and rewards as I see fit. It will do you well not to question my generosity"

Mammon

Mammon felt like he was in debt to MC for helping him study and pass his latest exam. He could not afford to fail his fourth semester in a row without Lucifer finding out and skinning him alive! He doesn’t normally feel the need to do anything to actually pay people back, but he felt like he really owed MC for this one

When Mammon and MC were visiting the flea market to find some cool trinkets that can probably be resold for a profit on Akuzon, he noticed the MC’s gaze lingering on a small golden ring with intricate engravings. He makes a bit of a show of paying for the ring before losing some of his bravado and shoving his hand in the MC’s face and demanding they take it

MC looks a bit confused before thinking it was something that Mammon thought would resell well and tried to put it in the basket they carried to hold the rest of their haul

“No, ya got it all wrong. I got it for ya to- ya know- thank ya for helpin’ me the other day. I woulda been a goner without you...or something” he mumbles while trying not to look directly at them

“That’s funny and all but what’s the catch? I’m pretty sure you don’t normally give away things or do anything without expecting anything in return”

Although MC does not appear to mean any harm from the comment, it kind of stung a little for Mammon. They can’t seem to grasp that they were special and he WANTED to give them things.

Mammon becomes a bit more sullen about the ordeal and may not give anything directly to the MC from then on. He will opt instead to leave little trinkets in their room or claim he found some trash he needed to get rid of (even though it would clearly be something of value). He does not really know how to show his thanks in any other way so he is kind of stuck in a cycle of trying to backhandedly show his gratitude without his motives being questioned

Satan

Satan’s room was an absolute mess, more so than usual, when MC was kind enough to lend a hand in helping him organize his massive collection of books into something a little less chaotic

He found an ancient tome full of old runes and herbal medicines that he thought he saw MC flipping through while taking a quick break from organizing his things, and assumed it would be a nice token of his gratitude. It was inlaid with gold leaf and the engraved relief on the cover was done with a clearly skilled hand, making the old book really stand out

“Please, take this tome as payment for your time. I would have lost my mind, surely, if you did not help me in my time of need, like you did”

MC’s eyes widened with surprise before seeming to nod and say they would return the book to him later, after they take down some notes for their next hex exam. When he clarifies that he wishes for them to keep the book, MC looked taken aback

“I couldn’t possibly take one of your books! I don’t expect anything for helping you out and you shouldn’t feel the need to pay me back for something I was more than willing to do anyway. It is kind of weird for you to want to give away your books like this when you closely monitor anybody else that takes them”

Satan’s eyebrow twitches just the slightest and he has to keep his smile in place to try to not alarm MC when his irritation spikes slightly. They don’t seem to understand that him thanking them with a gift versus him guarding his collection from Mammon are two different things entirely

He leans a bit into the MC’s space with his smile still plastered on and looks them dead in the eyes. “Do you mean to tell me that the tome is not to your liking?” MC kind of feels forced to take the book and thanks Satan before making a hasty retreat to their own room. Satan takes the newfound space to clear his mind and start thinking of other ways that he can possibly approach the matter in the future without pressuring MC into accepting his generosity

Asmodeus

Asmo’s life and reputation was saved when MC responded to his emergency text asking for a very specific shirt to be brought to his photoshoot. One of the assistant demons did NOT get the memo when he said that he was more of a skull-scream peach kind of guy then a wailing-melon toned guy and the outfit assembly was not doing his beautiful complexion any favors

When Asmo got out from his shoot, he felt like he absolutely had to repay MC for going out of the way for him. He went straight to Majolish and picked out a new outfit for them that he was sure they would look absolutely fantastic in and then hurried home to wrap it up nicely

Asmo presents the gift with flourish before asking for the MC to open it so he can watch their reaction. Asmo was not disappointed by the stunned look on their face and the silent ‘o’ their mouth made, but got a little put out when they said they could not possibly accept it. Didn’t they like it? Surely he did not pick something that wasn’t to their taste

“I can’t accept this, Asmo, it is way too sweet and generous of a gift! I had to go in the direction of your shoot today anyway so it wasn’t a burden to drop off your shirt. Please don’t reward me for something like that!”

Asmo has met a variety of demons and people over the millenia and can tell that there was something about the gift itself that was making them uncomfortable. He still is firm with them and insists that if he spent the grimm on them, they should take the gift, but starts thinking of other ways to maybe show his thanks in the future

Do words of praise and gratitude make them squirm? How about physical affection? Would a kiss count as a thanks they are willing to accept? He sure hopes so but he wants to show he appreciates them and will try to show it in any way possible until they accept it

Beelzebub

Beelzebub was starving! More so than usual and that is not a pretty sight. He was at RAD during one of the classes when he noticed that his snack bag had mysteriously gone missing when he tried to reach in to pull out a protein bar. His stomach loudly protested and he was starting to eye up some of his classmates as if they were on the menu. MC saved the day when they came rushing in with the aforementioned missing snack bag, that they found in the hallway

Beel was able to happily munch away for the rest of the lesson and it seemed like the whole class let out a collective sigh of relief. Beel was very grateful for the MC taking the time to deliver him his snack bag and decided to treat them to Hell’s Kitchen after school

MC agreed to go willingly and ordered their food while Beel asked for well over half the menu. After they ate, Beel reached for the tab but found slight resistance when he finally looked at the bill and saw MC’s hand was also on it. When Beel stated that it was his treat for them saving him early, he was met with some pushback

“Please do not feel like you have to pay for me. Giving you the snack bag was for everybody’s benefit, so it actually came from a place of selfishness, really. I do not deserve you paying for me.”

Beel’s heart pinged a little at that. Did MC mean he was so close to losing control that they only helped him out of pity? Out of fear? He knew he was a big and his hunger knew no end, but it kind of hurt to be seen as a threat that needed to be controlled with readymade snack bags like that

Beel kind of shakes it off quickly enough and starts to think that maybe they just didn’t like the meal as much as him and was trying to spare him from paying for something they didn’t really want. He takes the time to watch MC over the next few days to see if there are other foods that they may like better. That was the problem, right? Maybe something from Madam Screams was more their style? How about that crepes stand in the park that was super delicious?

Belphegor

Belphegor was not having a great day. For one, he was awake and for two, he was tasked with doing laundry for HoL this week and he was super behind on his assigned chore. If Asmo pestered him one more time about properly separating out the colors and Lucifer lectured him about how to properly fold fitted sheets, he may just have to be imprisoned in the attic again. Luckily for him, MC took some time out of their schedule to help him finish quicker

Belphie was thankful enough that he figured he could allow them to nap with him as an award. Do not mind the fact that MC always takes naps with him but this time can be a little bit special. He nicked a projector from RAD the following day and set it up in the attic so that it would project constellations on the walls and ceilings. He also made a really comfortable pillow fort for them to share. This took a lot of work on Belphie’s part so it was a privilege for MC to join him

When the MC finally arrived at the attic after Bephie texted them to meet him up there, they were not expecting the space to be turned into such a nice and cozy room. Belphie explained that it was as a thank you for the help the other day after they kept just standing in the doorway. He then demanded they came and laid down with him

“You didn’t have to put all this work into making this space for me! It was just folding laundry. It wasn’t that big of a deal, I promise”

Belphie turns his back on them and kind of pouts into his pillow. If they don’t appreciate him sacrificing sleep to make them happy and feel appreciated, then who cares. He can nap just fine by himself and he is hard press to prove the point

After the MC stands there for a little bit and then finally decides to join him in the pillow fort, Belphie ignores them for a bit. Neither of them move from their spots until Belphie sighs and rolls over to use their chest as a pillow. If all this work really was for nothing, he might as well enjoy his well-earned nap better with a warm body pillow

-------

hmmmmmmmmmmmmm....I gave up on proof reading this part way so I hope it is okie dokie

-Leo

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bbangsoonie · 3 years

Text

11:11

member: changmin (q) genre: angst word count: 6,802 synopsis: when changmin finds himself trapped in the past, repeating the day of your death, he’s convinced that he’s been given a chance to save you. warning(s): death

Changmin woke up with a dreading feeling. He hadn’t set an alarm despite it being a weekday. He was hoping to sleep through the day and wake up the next morning. Unfortunately for him, the sleeping pills he took the night before only allowed him rest until noon.

He checked his phone, staring at the date. A year had officially passed by since that fateful day. Groaning, he threw his phone back onto his bed. He stayed under the blanket for a while, not wanting to get up. However, the sunlight shining through his window refused to let him go back to sleep.

Declaring defeat, he sat up and scowled at the sun. It was annoyingly bright today. The weather had no regard for his mood and was unusually warm for a winter day. It pissed him off.

He heard his phone vibrate and chose to ignore what he guessed was Chanhee’s daily check in. Still not fully awake, Changmin walked towards his fridge to grab a cold water bottle. After gulping half of it down, he let out a sigh.

His brain was still at war with himself. Half of it felt obligated to visit you and half of it wanted to drown his feelings in alcohol. He stood there, zoning out, contemplating his options.

Eventually, his guilt triumphed and he found himself throwing on whatever clean clothes he could find. He trudged out of his apartment and down the stairs. On his way to the main road to find a taxi, he passed by a flower shop. The same sense of obligation from earlier made him backtrack and step inside.

It had been over a year since he last visited the place. It felt strange to be back. The emotions he came here with were entirely different from the emotions he had back then.

He asked the worker for a small bouquet of daisies and muttered a word of thanks after receiving his change. After flagging down a taxi, he braced himself for the long ride.

The car escaped from the noisy city and headed towards a more remote area. He almost laughed, remembering how often you would mention that you wanted to be buried in nature and not locked up in a jar behind glass. He used to always chide you for thinking of and planning for your death but in the end, you had been the insightful one. He never thought he’d be traveling to your grave—at least not while he was still in his twenties.

When he finally arrived, his feet rooted itself and he couldn’t bear to walk further. He hadn’t been here since your burial a year ago. A wave of embarrassment suddenly hit him. He truly was an asshole to you until the end. He couldn’t even make things up to you even after your passing.

He hadn’t made any efforts to visit you but it was painfully obvious to those around him that he was still grieving. He blamed himself for letting you die. That burden prevented him from continuing to live life without you. His friends watched as he willingly ruined his own life. He gave up dance and even came to resent music. He spent the past year surviving and not living; he filled his time with part time jobs that would earn him the money he needed for rent and food.

In Changmin’s mind, he didn’t deserve to be happy when your life was cut short. He wished so badly that he could trade places with you.

With another sigh, he made his way towards your grave. He could tell your family stopped by earlier that morning. Someone had left a big bouquet of pink flowers for you. Beside it was a photo of you smiling, oblivious to the tragedy that would occur just a few months after it was taken.

He forced a smile, recalling how you used to complain about how everyone would bring you pink flowers instead of daisies for every occasion. Daisies were your favorite flower and Changmin was the only one who ever remembered.

He placed his own bouquet down and sat next to it. Holding up your photo, he spoke to it as if you would reply.

“It’s been a while hasn’t it, Y/n?” he attempted to say in a cheery voice. “I’m sorry it took me so long to come back. I… I was afraid. Seeing you like this really makes reality hit as if waking up in an empty bed isn’t a strong enough reminder.”

He set the picture down and turned around to face your headstone. Hesitantly, he wiped at a spot and fell into silence.

“Everyone tells me that the accident wasn’t my fault. I don’t believe it but even if it was true, I still hate myself for letting you leave when the last words I said to you weren’t that I love you. Not only did you die a painful death, but you died with the hurt I inflicted on your heart,” his voice cracked as he choked back tears.

Flashbacks of that day flooded his memory. He winced, finally confronting what he couldn’t for a year.

Changmin had left the dance studio angry. Angry at himself. Angry at his inability to perfect the choreography. Unlucky timing had you outside waiting for him to finish. He had planned on blowing off some steam by meeting Sunwoo for drinks but was stopped by you. You had noticed how upset he was and wanted to cheer him up but was brushed off.

Changmin knew he was snappy when he was pissed and didn’t want you to be on the receiving end. He wanted to spare you from walking on eggshells around him and knew that Sunwoo would quietly let him rant without getting hurt by his actions or words. Instead of clarifying, however, he let you misunderstand and walked away.

You watched him leave, staring at his back. The past month with him had been rocky. You knew he was stressed from preparing for the upcoming competition but you still missed the bubbly Changmin. Nowadays, he was more sensitive and on edge than happy and affectionate.

You had bought matching couple rings in hopes of brightening up his mood. They were simple rings made of silver and meant for the pinky finger. It was to symbolize your promises to each other—to always love and appreciate each other. Yours was already on your pinky but his was left in the box you were hiding in your pocket. You sighed and figured that you’d get the chance to give it to him later.

Except that chance never came. Changmin only came across that ring later when he found it on his table back at his place.

“You know, I left you knowing you probably thought I was irritated with you too. It was because I assumed I’d get to clear that up later. Like always. But later never came,�� he fidgeted with the ring that now never left his own pinky.

What a cruel way to teach him a lesson.

“I guess at one point, I started taking you for granted. Taking our time together for granted. Who would've known that death would literally do us part before we even made our vows?” he chuckled at the irony. “I never told you but I intended on proposing to you as soon as we graduated. I got ahead of myself and was planning things way in advance. Would you believe me if I said I already decided where to go for our honeymoon?”

He could almost hear you laugh. If you were next to him, you’d lean on his shoulder as you doubled over in laughter. You had loved and teased him for his sweet side.

“That’s how sure I was that we’d get forever together. You spent the rest of your life with me but now I have the rest of my life ahead of me without you. A little unfair, don’t you think?”

Changmin had so many regrets. He wanted nothing but to go back in time and re-do things. After bottling everything inside him for a full year, everything was spilling out now that he was there with you.

You and Changmin hadn’t moved in together but you often slept over. That day, you waited until night for him to come home. He never did.

Sunwoo had called you from the restaurant they were at, asking you to come pick Changmin up. He wasn’t completely wasted but he was definitely too drunk to go home by himself. Sunwoo apologized, saying he couldn’t take him home because he had a prior arrangement to attend.

So you ended up sitting across from your boyfriend, waiting for him to sober up a little more before leaving the restaurant. This was not how you thought you would spend your anniversary with him. When he stormed off from the dance studio after spending the whole day there, you had already presumed he forgot what day it was for you two. You tried to be understanding, knowing that he felt extreme pressure about the competition.

You didn’t expect any gifts but you had hoped that you would at least have dinner together. But now that was also out of the window. You suppressed your annoyance and reminded yourself of how happy Changmin was when he was dancing. You wanted to be supportive of him.

“Why did you come here?” Changmin asked. Something about his tone irked you.

“What?” you frowned.

“I’m a fully grown man who can find his way back home fine,” his words dug a knife into your heart. You wondered if he forgot that you were the reason why he made it home safe and sound after drinking.

“You should be thankful that I always take care of your drunk ass,” you huffed. “You know, you can’t just count on me to do all these things for you. I do it because I want to but that doesn’t mean I don’t deserve to be appreciated.”

“That’s not what I meant and you know it,” he sighed.

You hated that look on his face. He had that look often nowadays. That tired look that screamed that he was too tired to even argue with you. It scared you. Even arguing took interest that he didn’t seem to give you these days. You would rather fight with him than live in such silence.

So you did. You exploded at him.

“No, Changmin, I don’t know. I never know what you’re thinking anymore. You don’t tell me anything and just assume that I can read your mind. And it feels like I’m expected to play the role of your girlfriend when you don’t even act like my boyfriend. You need to take a step back and realize how grateful we should be towards each other.”

After your outburst, you waited for his response. You waited for him to either yell back or apologize. Anything to show that he still cared. Instead, he said something that made you wish that he just didn’t say anything at all.

“Why are you being like this today?”

You felt the knife dig deeper into your heart and his words stunned you into silence.

“You’ve changed,” you whispered.

And with that, you got up and left. Realizing he screwed up, Changmin ran out to chase you. It had gotten late and dark while he was inside and the sky was now pouring buckets. Without an umbrella, you were getting hit by the rain that hid the tears wetting your cheeks. When he finally caught up to you, he grabbed onto your wrist and spun you around to face him.

“You asked why I’m being like this? Today? Well, news flash, Changmin. Today’s our third year anniversary but I guess I’m the only one who cared to remember,” you cried.

His heart shattered at the sight of your face. He never meant to upset you. And he certainly didn’t mean to forget your anniversary. It had slipped his mind while he was focused on practicing. All that seemed futile when he saw the pain on your face.

You didn’t give him a chance to reply and shook his grip off of you. Wanting to avoid him, you ran to cross the street before the light turned red. At that moment, however, a car failed to break in time and the rain caused the driver to lose control.

Changmin’s eyes widened as he watched the vehicle crash into you. The noise was terrifying but seeing your body fly in the air and fall to the ground was even more horrifying. His legs moved before his brain processed the scene he just witnessed. He ran to your side and tried to shake you awake. His hand trembled when he saw that it was bloodied by the wound on your head.

The driver came out of the car, feeling both disbelief and guilt about what just happened. Changmin screamed at him to call the ambulance before returning his attention back to you. He begged you to stay alive but you took your last breath that night at 11:11.

After Changmin came back to Seoul, Chanhee caught him outside of his apartment and dragged him to dinner. He knew that his friend would be mourning all day and not remember to eat. So they went to a nearby restaurant and he practically had to shove the soup into his mouth.

By the time Changmin arrived home, it was late. He washed up and plopped onto his bed, wishing the day would hurry up and come to an end. Staring at the ceiling, he waited for sleep to take him out of his misery for a while. Eventually, his fatigue took over and he fell asleep the second the clock turned to 11:11.

When he awoke, he didn’t feel as groggy as he normally did. He felt strangely well rested. Wondering how long he had slept for, he checked his phone for the time. His eyebrows furrowed in confusion when he saw the date. It was yesterday’s date but with the previous year. He figured it was a cruel glitch on the device’s part and threw it back down.

He got up to get ready for his shift and fumbled around to look for the sneakers he just recently purchased. No matter how hard he looked, it was nowhere to be found. He found it odd but settled for an old pair of sneakers he hadn’t worn in a while.

After he put them on, he turned the doorknob to leave. He swung the door open and was shocked at the sight in front of him. You were standing there, holding a bag of groceries. Just like you did a year ago.

“Uh Changmin?” you stared at him, waiting for him to move so you could walk in.

Changmin was speechless. His brain felt like it stopped functioning; he didn’t know how to react to the familiar scene in front of him.

“Is this a dream?” he asked out loud.

His heart was racing. You hadn’t shown up in his dreams in so long. Now that you appeared to him, there were so many things he wanted to tell you. He wanted to tell you that he didn’t mean to hurt you. That he was sorry. But in that moment, all he could manage to do was pull you in for a hug.

“Is something wrong, baby?” you asked.

“Everything. N-nothing,” he stuttered.

Was he supposed to talk to you about everything that happened? Was he supposed to just enjoy reliving this day? He couldn’t decide.

You chuckled at the peculiarity of your boyfriend, finding him endearing. You motioned for him to move over and let you in, which he complied while still in a daze. You placed the groceries on the table and began to put away what needed to be refrigerated.

“Are you going to the studio to practice today as well?” you asked, opening a small carton of milk for your boyfriend.

He slowly took the drink you handed him and nodded. He then shook his head, not wanting to repeat his mistakes.

“Today’s our anniversary. We should do something special,” he suggested.

You lit up, excited to go on a date with him. You were glad you chose to dress up today.

“What do you have in mind?” you asked.

“Hmm how about that art gallery you’ve been wanting to go to?” he smiled at your happy expression. “I haven’t had lunch yet so we can eat some pasta before we go.”

So you two headed out to your favorite Italian restaurant and he ordered a bunch of dishes. You had protested, insisting that you wouldn’t be able to finish but he insisted that he wanted to spoil you that day.

He felt like he was on cloud nine as he watched you enjoy your meal. He missed this. He missed seeing you wiggle in your seat because of how good the food was. He missed cutting your steak for you because you were clumsy with knives. He hoped the dream wouldn’t end any time soon.

Noticing that he wasn’t eating much, you picked up a slice of pizza and held it in front of his mouth. His cheeks filled up after he took a bite and you laughed at how cute he looked. Your laughter prompted him to laugh as well, showing off his dimples that you loved.

You left the restaurant stuffed and was ready to fall into a food coma. Yet you couldn’t refuse when Changmin bought you your favorite ice cream. You strongly believed that people had a second stomach for dessert. You walked with the ice cream in one hand and with Changmin’s hand in the other. You stuck closer to him and leaned your head on his shoulder. He turned to look at you and didn’t want to ever look away.

After spending a couple of hours at the art gallery, you found an arcade and tugged him inside. You bet on dinner over three rounds of a vintage game, which you won. You cheered when your victory flashed across the screen, making him chuckle. To be honest, he let you win by pretending to slip up at the end but seeing your joy was worth it.

To Changmin’s discomfort, you chose the samgyupsal place that you two had fought at. Of course, you didn’t know that and just wanted to spend the night eating meat and drinking beer. Although hesitant, he agreed to your menu selection.

Changmin was indescribably elated to be able to sit and chat with you for hours. He didn’t even notice the rainstorm that began once again outside. He was too busy listening to you talk about one of your assignments for a random elective class you took but ended up liking. You rambled on about how your professor was extremely kind and lenient with grading.

By the end of the night, you two left the restaurant and he grew anxious, anticipating the end of the dream. You took notice of his sudden change in demeanor and questioned him about it. Before you could hear an answer, however, your hat was snatched and taken away by the wind. Not wanting it to get wet and dirty, you chased after it.

It all happened so fast. Again. Just as you were about to catch the hat, it blew further away, causing you to step out into the road. And again, there was nothing Changmin could do about the car that crashed into you.

This time, Changmin woke up with the feeling of falling from a tall height. The sensation startled him awake and he jumped up gasping. He scanned his surroundings, unsure of what he just experienced.

“A blissful dream turned into yet another nightmare,” he groaned.

He paused, reaching out for his phone to check the date. Both his jaw and phone dropped at the repeated date.

“No way,” he muttered. He shook his head, refusing to believe what was happening. “This doesn’t make any sense.”

He racked his brain for any plausible explanations. Surely this was another dream. A dream within a dream. Or maybe he’d finally lost it and was hallucinating everything. Believing in the latter, he made up his mind to finally go to the therapist Chanhee had been bugging him to go to. He quickly got dressed and put his shoes to head out. He paused when his hand grabbed the door.

“Surely it won’t happen again… right?” he wondered out loud.

To his surprise, you were there again on the other side of the door when he opened it. Trying to figure out what was going on, he slammed the door shut and froze. Outside, you blinked at the door in your face. Puzzled at your boyfriend’s behavior, you knocked.

Inside, Changmin flinched at the sudden noise. He was bewildered and beyond confused. This had to be a joke. Or a dream. Or a hallucination. How could you be real? There was no way you were actually back.

Or maybe, it was his chance to set things right. Maybe, if he did everything right, he could prevent your death. The idea sounded ingenious and insane to him. Taking a leap of faith, he flung the door back open and gazed at you. Still skeptical, he extended his hand out to hold yours. It felt warm, unlike the last time he held it in the rain. He wanted to cry in both shock and joy. He swallowed the lump rising in his throat and took the groceries from you.

“Are you okay, baby?” you asked, following him inside.

“I’m okay as long as you’re with me,” he said in a shaky voice.

You chuckled as you began to organize the groceries just like you did the day before.

“Are you going to the studio to practice today as well?” you asked, opening a small carton of milk.

Changmin stared at the milk you offered again. So many thoughts ran through his head as he tried to understand the situation. He determined that this was a blessing. He was given an opportunity to go back in time and change things. To save you.

“Let’s go watch a movie today,” he said.

He thought out and planned the rest of the day. He would sneak out in the middle of the movie to go buy a present for you. Using the excuse of an upset stomach, he went and bought a necklace he had been eyeing for months. It was quite expensive so he had saved up little by little and now he could finally afford to give it to you.

With the corner of his eye, he saw a couple looking at the ring section together. As if caught in a trance, he found himself walking towards the engagement rings. He gaped at the endless options of diamonds that sparkled as bright as your eyes. He bit his lip, contemplating if he should buy a ring as well. He initially wanted to wait until you both graduated but graduation never came for you. It was one of the biggest regrets of his life.

So he carefully took a look at the rows of rings until he saw one that immediately felt like it was meant for you. He quickly asked the worker to help him with his purchase and ran back into the theater to finish the rest of the movie with you.

You didn’t suspect a thing until he took the necklace out after lunch and put it on for you. You beamed at the surprise gift, eager to show him yours. Shyly, you retrieved the couple ring from your purse.

“It’s a promise ring meant for your pinky,” you explained as you slid it onto his finger. “A promise to always love and appreciate each other.”

He smiled at how proud you looked.

“See?” you showed him the ring on your own pinky.

“I love it,” he held his hand next to yours, admiring the view. “But uh I actually have a ring for you as well.”

With his heart pounding, he pulled out the square box and stood up. He took a deep breath before getting down on one knee, making you gasp. You felt tears brimming your eyes as he opened the box to reveal the diamond ring.

Watching proposal videos had always made you cringe. You didn’t get why people would cry. But in that moment, it all made sense when you found yourself unable to verbally reply. As a college student, you never expected him to propose. Sure, you had thought of marrying him but that seemed like such a faraway idea. You knew Changmin would always be in your future and didn’t see yourself marrying anyone else but him. So you managed to nod before he placed the ring on your finger.

“I know the timing may seem premature but with you, I want to have the courage to do what my heart desires. I want to see you walk down the aisle towards me. I want to show the world that I’m yours. I want to spend our honeymoon at Bora Bora and have two kids together. I want to raise a dog with you, just like you always dreamed of. I want to spend the rest of my life with you,” he confessed.

After hearing his words, you couldn’t hold back your tears anymore. He embraced you in his arms and you buried your face into his chest as you sniffled. Resting his chin on your head, he wished time would stop. All he wanted was to stay in this moment forever.

By the time night approached again, he made sure to keep you away from the street and from any vehicles. You wondered why he was being so overprotective and clinging onto you. He didn’t offer an explanation and just gave you a nervous smile.

Looking at his watch, he let out a deep breath when he saw that it was almost 11 PM. His leg shook anxiously as he held your hand tighter. You had insisted on enjoying the sounds of the city in the rain so you two were sitting at a random bus stop.

All of a sudden, the cry of a child was heard. You turned around to see a little girl who seemed to be lost. You stood up to go help but Changmin sat you back down.

“You stay here. I’ll go,” he said, feeling uneasy.

While he brought the little girl to the bus stop to avoid the rain, a young boy caught your attention. He was playing with a ball and you wanted to warn him to be careful. Before you could open your mouth, however, he dropped the ball and ran into the street to get it back. You panicked, seeing a motorcycle speeding towards the kid.

You ran out to pull the child back but was hit instead. Changmin’s heart dropped at the sound of the collision. When he turned back to find you, you were laying on the wet ground with blood pooling around you. Seeing you die for the third time wasn’t any less traumatic. In fact, it broke him even more. He hated himself for letting it happen again.

“Y/n, please please wake up,” he begged as he held your face in his hands. “You can’t leave me. Not again. I promised myself that I would change your fate. Y/n, please!”

Every time Changmin woke up, that day repeated itself. And each time, he would try to keep you alive. But no matter how hard he tried, that cursed time of 11:11 always ended his brief time with you with the same outcome.

When he kept you inside, you fell down the stairs. When he tried to make you sleep by tucking you in early, you never woke up. Thinking it was Seoul that was the problem, he even took you down to Busan. Paranoid, he even spent the whole day and night with you at his place. But every time the clock hit 11:11, the inevitable would occur and he would wake up to repeat it once again.

The seventh time he awoke to the same day, he screamed in frustration.

“What the hell am I supposed to do?” he yelled out.

He cried into his sleeves, wondering if this was his punishment for being unable to save you. While he wallowed in grief, he heard you knock on his door. He wiped away his tears and got up to greet you. Oblivious to his mood, you walked in and opened the refrigerator like you did the previous times.

“Are you going to the studio to practice today as well?” you asked, opening a small carton of milk.

“Let’s just stay in today. I’ll cook you something,” he bitterly smiled when he saw that the engagement ring was no longer on your finger.

He rummaged through his kitchen, looking for ingredients. You sat down next to the counter and watched as he made you kimchi fried rice. You enjoyed watching him cook. He didn’t do it often because he wasn’t very confident about his skills but you loved the gesture. You thought it was cute when he had that concentrated look he usually saved for dancing.

After lunch, you spent the next few hours watching movies. You had eventually noticed how sad he was. You looked over at your boyfriend who seemed preoccupied with his own thoughts. Mustering up some bravery, you proposed watching a horror movie. You knew it was his favorite genre but didn’t watch scary movies with him often because you got scared easily. Slightly surprised by your suggestion, he agreed and let you choose one of the recommended movies on Netflix.

At every jump scare, you snuggled closer to him. Throughout the whole film, you clung onto his arm and he comforted you by stroking your head. Treasuring the time he got to spend with you, he allowed himself to feel at ease for a bit.

For dinner, you convinced him to go out to eat. On the way back, he lured you into a gift shop, kicking himself for not preparing a present ahead of time. While you were busy looking at the dolls, he managed to pick out a bracelet and slid it into his pocket after secretly paying for it. He knew it would be gone when the day reset and dreaded having to see your listless body again later.

When you two returned back to his place, he couldn’t keep his eyes off of you. He wanted to savor every second he was able to spend with you. Noticing his gaze, you stared at him back, bringing a smile to his face. You poked his dimple, laughing at his expression.

“So I got you a little something. I hope you didn’t think that I forgot our anniversary,” he said as he put it on your wrist.

Smiling, you took out the gift you had prepared.

“It’s a promise ring meant for your pinky,” you said as you slid the ring onto his finger. “A promise to always love and appreciate each other.”

“See?” you revealed the ring on your own finger.

After hearing those words for the nth time, he finally broke down. He began to bawl, catching you off guard. For a few minutes, he wept as you tried to soothe him.

“Okay, spill. What’s been bothering you all day, Changmin?” you demanded.

He sighed, knowing what he was about to say was insane. He didn’t want to scare you but it all came out as word vomit.

“I’ve been reliving this day multiple times. I know it sounds crazy—it is crazy—but I was sent back in time. It’s actually supposed to be a year from now, a day after today. But instead, I’m stuck in this endless loop trying to save you. You died, Y/n. You died a year ago and you keep dying again and again! I thought I was given this opportunity because of all the regrets I had. The day you died, I was a complete jerk and you got into an accident after we argued. I blamed and resented myself. I had so many “what if’s” and “if only’s” that it tormented me,” he paused to catch his breath.

“I thought I had to repeat this day until I successfully prevented your death but nothing’s working. I can’t change things!” he cried. “I’ve tried over and over and over again. I’ve tried keeping you away from the street, taking you out of the city, and even locking us up in this damn apartment and nothing’s working! Every time 11:11 comes around, the same conclusion happens.”

You sat in silence, unsure of how to process all the information he just threw at you. He was way too emotional for this to be a joke and too upset for it to be unreal. But at the same time, you wanted it to be fake. You didn’t want to believe it. You were still so young. You had hopes and dreams you had yet to achieve. You wanted to crumble but you couldn’t bear to do so after seeing how heartbroken Changmin was. After thinking for some time, you finally spoke up.

“Maybe you were given a chance not to save me but to let me go,” you said quietly. ”You said you regretted the day I died. Maybe this is your chance to get closure. Send me off in peace. Find peace yourself.”

“No. No way. I’m not letting you leave me again. Not after all I’ve been through,” he said, desperately hugging you. “I finally get to hold you in my arms again. It’s okay if I have to relive this day forever. As long as I can see you, I’m okay with that.”

“Changmin...” your heart broke at the sight of his crestfallen face.

You let him keep his tight hold on you. He was so afraid you’d disappear again that he refused to let you or himself fall asleep. You looked at the clock and saw that the time was approaching.

“Baby, you know you can’t. I’m not coming back to life. I can’t. That’s not how the world works. We were blessed to have the chance to say our final goodbyes. Not everyone gets that. We’re lucky. We get to remind each other of how much we love each other and I get to tell you that I want you to be happy even if I’m not by your side. I’ll still be with you. In your heart. As long as you keep me there,” you pulled away to meet his eyes. “I don’t want you to be miserable without me. I want you to live your life to the fullest. Let me live vicariously through you.”

“But I have so many things I want to do with you. So many things I never got to say to you,” he stammered.

“Nobody gets to fulfill all their desires,” you smiled sadly. “Just know that I know how you feel. I know that you love me. I know that you want to grow old together. I know that you want to see mini me and mini you. I do too. I’m so sorry I won't be able to do that with you.”

Tears rolled down your cheeks. Admitting it out loud made it feel real.

“You have no idea how badly I want to walk down that aisle with you. I want to live happily ever after while bickering with you. I want to see you dance and I want to succeed in my own career. I hardly lived over two decades but you made me so happy for most of it. I’m glad I got to love you. It’s a shame I won’t get to get my degree after studying so hard but there are bigger regrets. Like wishing I had spent more time with you. Wishing we took more trips together.”

Changmin looked at you with a pained expression. He wished that he had taken more pictures with you. That he had gone on more dates with you. That he made you laugh more.

“I guess we were given this opportunity in exchange for all of that. At least now I’ll get to leave knowing that I’m loved and that you know I love you. Our last day wasn’t spent arguing but hugging,” you pointed out.

The two of you lain wordlessly on his bed. The only sound was the clock on his wall ticking.

“Can you tell my family that I love them? And my friends too. I wish I could say goodbye to everyone but that would be greedy of me,” you said wistfully.

At his silence, you turned to look at him. When you saw the guilt on face, you sat up and beckoned for him to do the same. You glanced at the clock, taking note of the time.

“Ji Changmin, I love you. Thank you for making me the happiest girl in the world,” you smiled with tears in your eyes. “While we make promises with this ring, can you also promise me another thing?”

You waited for him to nod before continuing.

“Promise me that you won’t blame yourself for anything and that you’ll move on. I want you to have all the extra happiness I’ll miss out on. I’ll be expecting you to lead a fruitful life for my sake too,” you held out your pinky, waiting for him to wrap his around yours.

“It’s okay if I start to fade out of your memory over the years,” you added. “I’ll understand when my face starts to become fuzzy to you. I’ll even understand when you get married and have kids. I’ll be your kids’ godmother and look out for them. I can’t wait to see little baby Ji’s.”

“But I don’t want that if it’s not with you…” he whispered.

“Don’t be silly. You’re still young and have the rest of your life ahead of you. I’ll be mad if I’m the one that’s holding you back. Now, hurry up and promise me. My arm’s hurting,” you shook your pinky at him, urging him to lock fingers together.

It tore him apart but he shakily held out his hand to make his promise. More tears escaped his eyes each time he blinked.

11:05.

Changmin held your tear-stained cheeks in his hands, staring into your eyes. You hated the sad look in his own eyes but knew yours was the same. He hated the ominous feeling that predicted that this would be his last time in the loop. Now that he came to terms with the fixed ending, he would be freed from his desperate desire for a different outcome.

“Thank you, Y/n, for teaching me what love is. From when I first met you up until now, there hasn’t been a single moment that I didn’t cherish. I love you. I love you so so much. I spent the past year unable to forget you and I never will. I’m going to believe that you’ll be watching over me and I’m going to make you proud. I’m going to experience both my and your share of happiness. So don’t worry about me. I won’t be able to follow you soon but I’ll join you up there one day. Please wait for me.”

“I may be your first love but I certainly don’t hope I’ll be your last. Instead, I hope that I’ll be your endless love,” you hummed, feeling drowsy.

“Of course,” he affirmed. “I love you, Y/n.”

“I love you too, Changmin.”

Changmin awoke feeling oddly comforted. The sun was shining through the window again and his apartment didn’t feel as empty for some reason. He eyed his phone and hesitantly picked it up. He was filled with mixed emotions when he saw that the year was finally set back to the present.

Out of habit from the past week, his eyes lingered on the door. You weren’t going to come knocking again but you also weren’t going to die again. You were finally sent off in peace.

His phone vibrated, notifying him of Chanhee’s daily text message. Chanhee was a persistent one as well.

Changmin decided to reply and asked him to grab breakfast together, which earned him an immediate “yes”. He told his friend to invite Sunwoo as well and got up to get ready for an outing for the first time in a long time. This was his first step in the healing process.

a/n: tbh i kinda cried writing this. i hope you cried too hehe also idk if you noticed but the line “endless love” is actually from the boyz’s “priority”. i really like that phrase and it’s been stuck in my head ever since the song came out

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wormstacheangel · 3 years

Text

There was always something special about Dean. Or maybe he thinks that because he makes himself believe that he sees something that isn’t there, but he is positive that he shined the brightest. Of course, he wasn’t perfect, far from being so, but Cas believed he was worth all this.

Maybe he couldn’t put a word to what Dean meant to him, but for now, Cas knew one thing, he was important.

Important. That’s what he is, but why did he have to be this hard-headed. All Cas asks of Dean is to give him his trust, but he could feel that slowly slipping away. He could tell him everything, and maybe he will understand, but this fight is not one he wants to involve Dean or his family in. He will keep him-keep them safe.

His friends. Dean was a beloved friend.

So he hated looking into his friend’s eyes and seeing nothing but anger.

He wishes he could fix things between them, but it’s too late now.

“I’m sorry, Dean.”

If God can gift him more time, he’ll make sure to deserve the title of family. To give him time to remove the sorrow in Dean’s eyes and work to rebuild the trust that he has broken.

He wasted too much of Dean’s time already, but no matter how much space he placed between them, Dean was always just around the corner, ready to catch up with him. He has heard that the human--his human--has found a way to leave this monster hell. Time passed, but Dean never stopped following in his footsteps, so it was time to turn around and face him.

Look into the eyes of the one friend--the only family--he has in this hell because, while he deserves to be there, Dean deserved so much better. He was important, loved, and cared about.

Dean’s relief was short-lived when he figured out that Cas was running away. He saw the hurt in those eyes, and Cas had to look away. Wondering if the hurt will turn into anger when he realized Cas was not going with him.

As a human, emotions are overwhelming. It was much harder to read or understand people. The theme he noticed was that the most vulnerable of them are the kindest but desperate people do desperate things.

Now, for the first time, Cas has understood the emotion he has been feeling for Dean.

“I'll have some beef jerky and a pack of menthols.”

Dean’s eyes were bright with a smile, guilt was there, but he looked genuinely happy to be there.

“What are you doing here?”

He has to stay distracted because his heart is racing. It was just because Dean genuinely surprised him, that is all. Nothing more.

“Gee, it’s nice to see you too, Cas.”

“It's … Steve now. And... uh, you know you surprised me.”

Nothing more than that. He will not acknowledge more than that.

That is until later. When Dean was fast asleep on the motel bed beside him, Cas couldn’t help but stare back at the sleeping man. He should be asleep himself, finally, on an actual bed; he should have quickly passed out, but the bed was too soft, and maybe he wasn’t used to that.

He didn’t expect to wake up and find Dean so close beside him, but here he was.

Beautiful.

Fuck it. “I love you.” Finally, he could admit it to the darkness.

Those feelings were pushed deep inside him after that night. They were mixed with so many others that Cas had a hard time figuring them out. Of course, as an angel, he could turn it all off. Not feel a damn thing once again, but he knew Dean had a way of worming his way in even if he didn’t know it.

For now, Cas will acknowledge a few things about his feelings. Dean was important; he was family and his best friend. But, unfortunately, those are all the labels he could make himself give the man.

Happiness.

He doesn’t remember feeling that in a long time. So he’s not worried about it.

Right now, all that matters is that he has his family together again. For now, at least. They are still fighting, and there is still work they have to do just to keep themselves safe.

Dean looks especially happy, though.

He believes he has a no-string attach win, a rare thing in his life. Unfortunately, Cas can not find the strength to tell him the truth.

Dean looked so bright, bubbly, and just so...content with everything. How can Cas even think of dimming that light of his when it’s so beautiful to look at.

Cas spends days and nights wondering what could be the one damn thing that can take him away from his family. What is worth dying for? Or maybe, better yet, who is worth dying for?

He remembers the vision Jack once showed him when he was still with Kelly and wondered if he would ever get the chance to see Jack’s world. To live in a world where he fulfilled his destiny and brought light back into the world.

He has already done that for him, brought more joy and love than he ever thought he could give or receive. But, still, he wasn’t happy enough. Not enough to die, at least.

Maybe as soon as Jack is happy and safe, that could be it.

He will have to live knowing that maybe he won’t be a part of Jack’s life in the future. That vision can never come true. At least not the part with him in it.

“Thank you.” That’s what Dean in the vision said to him before Cas spread his wings. Before a bright light blinded him.

Maybe...maybe the vision was of his death.

Maybe his happiness is his family’s happiness.

Dean looked so beautiful in that vision. Wide-eyed and red-faced. It was an expression Cas has never seen on the hunter before, and whenever his mind wanders, it’s always to that expression. What could have happened to make those green eyes look so...alluring?

“Cas!” He looked up when he felt his shoulder being shaken violently. Dean stood over him with a teasing grin. “You’re looking like a creep staring like that. But, come on, the world ain’t gonna save itself with an empty stomach.”

Dean motioned for Cas to follow, and without any hesitation, Cas does. That vision pushed to the back of his mind again. His knowing feelings are left forgotten again as Dean shoves his shoulders playfully, asking him what he wants for dinner.

Cas doesn’t think about his happiness again that night. Instead, he feels content enjoying the now.

He almost said it.

Cas heard or maybe felt was the right word for it, but fuck, it was there. A hint of vulnerability inched its way out, along with the words of forgiveness. And it scared the fuck out of him.

Cause maybe that was it. Forgiveness makes the empty take him away, so he sat and waited, but luckily, Dean found him first.

He ignored the hidden unsaid words like his life depended on it because he couldn’t risk losing Dean over unexplored feelings. He just got him back, but now it left him wondering again, if not Dean’s forgiveness, then what could make him happy?

His love.

He loved him. He loved him so much, and as much as he tried to ignore it or push it back, it was always there. So maybe that is what happiness is. Maybe finally letting his feelings be known to the one person that needs to hear them is what could save Dean. For once, his feelings won’t be a burden to him.

“I love you.”

And nothing happened. He felt relief at saying the words, but he wasn’t sure if it was sunshine on your face, kind of happiness. It wasn’t enough. Maybe he was wrong. Perhaps it was something-

There.

There in green eyes were those eyes. That look in his vision.

And for the first time, Cas understood what was so alluring about those eyes.

Love.

He saw love in them.

He reached out for Dean because, for the first time, he realized he could have it. He could have the love he has been pushing away for so long. Dean loved him!

“Wait!” He felt tugging at his waist as his body started to become covered in black goo. It’s finally here. Cas is finally happy. “No! Wait!”

“Cas!”

And he can’t have it. He can’t have him.

The last thing he saw were those eyes. Horror-struck eyes filled with tears as their gazes met for the last time. Darkness soon swallowed him, going to and for the first time in a long time, Cas felt nothing.

#i didn't get to finish what i wanted to finish so have this thing I wrote yesterday #i dont like it so much but I wanted to give out something since I have gotten a lot of new followers lately #and i need to remind you all that I write fics and I don't just scream all the time #but yeah here you go. i can promise to edit this but I will not cause lazy #maybe i'll post something else tomorrow!#destiel #fic #wormstachewrites

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