#him every day he still made some major life choices bc of it to protect himself bc colm asked and he's trying and look where it got him.

[nebulousbrainsoup]

Insurrection

Chapter 1: Catalyst

⛧ SUMMARY: One choice, made to fan the flames of love, may be the spark to start a war. ⛧PAIRING: vampire!kang yeosang x hunter!reader ⛧GENRE: fantasy, angst (so much angst), smut ⛧AU/TROPE INFO: fantasy au, vampire au, forbidden lovers, hurt no comfort ⛧WORD COUNT: 4.8k ⛧TAGS/WARNINGS: major character death (i'm so sorry), blood, violence, lots of emotion, mental breakdowns, pet names ([my] love, darling, love, Sangie), protective!yunho and protective!yeosang, treating vampires as unseelie fae, not beta'd ⛧RATING: mature ⛧A/N: for @a1sh1teruu; happy christmas from your secret santa! very sorry i'm a few days late; life has been interesting lately and this baby got away from me! i hope i didn't go too hard on the angst you asked for, but i did ask for your hard limits and, uh... i'm an angst writer first and foremost. (if i did go overboard, please please let me know, and i will whip you up something warmer and fluffier.) this did begin as a standalone, but the lovely @kwanisms convinced me to make it a series, so here we are! there will be a few more installments; a prologue and at least one sequel. even if no one else does, zerda, i hope you enjoy this. much love, orion <3 ⛧ smut tags under the cut ; banner by momther ki (kwanisms) ⛧masterlist | join my taglist | buy me a coffee?

⛧ SMUT TAGS/WARNINGS: sex as a distraction/coping mechanism, yeo has vampire speed and strength (don't look too close i didn't logic), sensitive pointy ears, oral (f receiving), fingering, unprotected sex (boo), multiple orgasms (fem), pet names (Yeosangie, Sangie, baby, darling, love, my pretty girl ), mentions of exhibitionism & sharing if you squint, lack of aftercare bc they're both exhausted

In hindsight, perhaps you should have seen the signs. You had never seen Yeosang eat, no matter how many cafés you frequented together. He had been known throughout the village for his strange attire, the reverse of the seasons; he was covered from chin to fingertip to toe in the summers, while the dark winters found him showing a bit more skin. His pale complexion or the way he could throw you around in the bedroom without breaking a sweat may have given him away to you if you had paid closer attention. You hadn’t, though, and now you paid the price.

Your elders stood in a semicircle in front of you, stony faced, and your blood ran cold. Gideon glowered at you over the top of his steepled fingers, jaw tight.

“Kill or be killed, Y/N,” he spat, “the decision is yours. Kang Yeosang will not be able to protect you from us.”

It took every fiber of your being to hold back the shiver that threatened to tear down your spine. Your mind swirled as you bowed your head respectfully, hands clasped tightly in front of you. Something churned in your gut as you met his eye; whether or not his words would ring true was still to be determined, but you knew he and the rest of the council would try their absolute hardest.

“I understand, Elder Lewis. I will begin my preparations immediately,” you agreed, turning on your heel to see yourself out of the room. Three of the five sat straighter at your promise, one smiling proudly. You sighed in relief; so long as most of them believed you, you would survive the night. You could warn him and, if you were lucky, run.

For most, Yeosang and the rest of his coven were nearly impossible to find; he had told you some story ages ago, but now the secrecy made sense. Few were trusted with a map to their home, and you were thankful tonight to be one of those elites. Strategically placed vines guided you through the trees like flags, their leaves blending into the color of the evergreens’ needles to the untrained eye. Tears brimmed in your eyes as you hurried through the snow, fists clenched at your sides. The path was familiar and though time seemed to drag on in a blur, it felt like you arrived in seconds. The trees parted to a familiar, comforting sight; three cabins and a grand hall circled around a small clearing, and you beelined for Yeosang’s front door. 

It was his roommate, Yunho, who opened the door and tried to greet you but you pushed past him, body and mind set on your comfort. You practically collapsed into Yeosang’s arms, a small, pained sound leaving you as he bundled you into his embrace. His quiet questions and murmured comforts were lost on you. Your mind was running at a thousand miles a minute, a million questions running through your mind.

“Why didn’t you tell me you were vampires?” The first inquiry fell from your lips thoughtlessly, and you felt the air disappear from the room. Yunho’s footsteps halted where they were parting to allow you privacy, and you could feel the tension spike. The silence rang louder than any scream. “And don’t try to deny it; I’ve seen the evidence.”

“Who… how did you find this out, sweetheart?” 

You scoffed, shoving him away from you and taking a step back. Behind you, you heard Yunho shift to his friend’s defense, but a sharp glare from Yeosang seemed to halt him. “I’m a hunter, Yeosang. You’ve known this; don’t play dumb. My elders showed me your files today,” you paused, turning over your shoulder to glance at Yunho. “All of ATEEZ’s files.”

You watched as the elder coiled like a spring, ready to strike, still pinned in place only by your boyfriend’s scathing stare. Silence once again stretched for what seemed like an eternity, heavy across your shoulders. Finally, Yeosang broke it.

“Leave us, Yunho.”

“Absolutely not.” The reply was immediate, the taller boy standing straighter, his chin high. “I’m not leaving you alone with a hunter.”

You scowled, hearing your boyfriend growl a warning. You knew his expression must match your own. “If you don’t mind, I’d like to speak with my girlfriend alone.”

Yunho opened his mouth to speak again but this time, you were the one to silence him. “I understand your worry and I appreciate your drive to protect your coven. I am not here to hurt Yeosang; I am here to… to ask for help,” you admitted, turning back to glance at your lover. “I forgot to even grab my knife before I left, if I’m being honest.” Yeosang let out a strangled noise of protest, worry painting his face, and you held up a hand to keep him quiet. “The elders… Gideon gave me a choice today. Kill or be killed. And I… I don’t want to do either.”

You could see Yeosang’s heart breaking, the corner of his lips curling down and his brow furrowing. “Yunho, please,” he murmured, “let us figure this out.” He gave no response, but a moment later, you heard the front door click shut, and Yeosang was bundling you back up into his arms. 

The moment you were alone, you shattered into pieces. You grasped his shirt in fists as tears flowed like waterfalls down your cheeks, his grip around you tightening like a vice. Sobs wracked your body violently, and you thanked the gods for Yeosang’s strength as, despite your knees buckling under you, you remained upright. He muttered quiet reassurances into your hair, hands running soothingly up and down your back. 

When you calmed, he gently guided you back, eyes soft and open as he cupped your cheeks and wiped the tears from them. You screwed your eyes shut and gripped onto his wrists like a lifeline, willing a fresh wave of emotion back. 

“It will be alright, my love,” he murmured, pressing a soft kiss to your forehead. “We’ll figure it out together. You can stay here for as long as you like, and we’ll protect you like our own.”

You whined in protest, eyes blinking open slowly. Sniffling, you shook your head. “I can’t ask that of you. If I’m tracked down, they’ll kill you all too. Hongjoong wouldn’t be willing to take that risk for a simple little mortal, much less one who has trained her entire life to hunt and kill him. He would be crazy.”

Yeosang giggled quietly, smiling gently. “I think you’ll find he is a little crazy when the situation calls for it. He trusts you like one of us already; he allowed me to show you the path here. You will be welcome.”

Hesitantly, you nodded, resigned to accepting your lover’s offer. There was little else you could do. “I will need a few things from the stronghold. I can go back to gather them tonight, and return tomorrow.” 

Peeking over your head and out the window, Yeosang frowned. It had been nearing nightfall when you had arrived, and the thought of you unarmed and stumbling through the dark forest unnerved him. He pulled you against his chest, carding a hand into your hair to scratch at your scalp. 

“Stay with me tonight, love. Let this be the first night of our new lives together. Let me protect you.” You felt your shoulders relax with every word he spoke, a soft smile playing at your lips. He had already convinced you but he continued, eyes flickering down to your lips. “Let me distract you.” 

You let your tongue flick out over your lips, drawing his attention back to them as you grinned. Hands slipping up his chest, you pressed closer to him. “What better way to spend our first night together?”

Yeosang grinned, tugging you in to crash your lips together. You hummed happily as you melted against him, one arm draping over his shoulder while the other carded into the hair at his nape. He held you to him tightly still, sighing against your mouth as you melted against him. 

“Take me to bed, Yeosangie,” you muttered when you parted for breath, and he was more than happy to oblige. Strong arms braced under your thighs and lifted you in one fluid motion. Before you had time to think, you were in his room with your back pressed to the mattress, and you let out a squeak of surprise. Your lover was grinning at you when you pulled away. “Now that the cat’s out of the bag, I assume you’ll be using all of your fancy vampire powers at every turn, hm?” 

“Maybe not all of them,” he teased, pressing kisses up your jaw. “I’ll only bite if you ask nicely,” he purred into your ear, his silky baritone sending a shudder down your spine.

You whined, tugging him back up by his hair to lock your lips, legs wrapping around his middle to pull him impossibly closer. He groaned, low and broken, as you ground against him, losing himself for a moment before he pinned your hips down to the bed. 

“Tonight is all about you, my love,” he hummed, hands running down your thighs as he sat back on his knees. You pouted up at him and he couldn’t help but grin, kneading at the soft flesh under his fingers. “I’m going to take my time with you and savor this. No more quick nights at the tavern, hm?” 

You shuddered under his touch, eyes flickering to the door. “What about Yunho?”

The grin on Yeosang’s face was purely wicked and heat ran through your body. “Don’t worry, darling. I’ll make sure the whole coven can hear you.” 

Despite his promise to take his time, Yeosang stripped you down quickly, tugging your shirt off and trousers down to leave you in only your undergarments. The moment he could, he leaned down, nipping at your inner thigh and grinning triumphantly at the sound it pulled from you. His lips quickly found their way to your throat as he let your legs fall in favor of slotting himself between them, lips attaching themselves to your throat. The drag of his teeth over your pulse had you whining into his ear, breath ghosting over the subtly pointed tip. It was Yeosang’s turn to shudder, all of his blood rushing south at the feeling. He sighed, burying his head against your shoulder as he gathered himself.

Or tried to, because a moment later, you were tucking his hair behind his ear, fingers ghosting over the sensitive skin, and he was choking back a moan. “C-Careful,” he muttered, reaching up to grab your wrist and halt you. “They’re sensitive.” 

“I don’t see the issue,” you hummed, drawing his gaze back up. You were grinning down at him and it was a pretty sight, but the mischief twinkling in your eyes had Yeosang wanting to wipe it from your face. 

Pinning your wrist to the bed, he slipped down your body at lightning speed, face level with your clothed core. In an instant, his tongue was pressed against you, and you let out a choked shout at the wet warmth that joined your own arousal. Yeosang grinned proudly once more, letting his teeth graze lightly over your heat as he sat back. That particular friction was foreign but pleasant, pulling a pretty little whimper from you.

“Do you still not see the issue with playing with sensitive areas, love, or shall I continue?”

Not one to be upstaged, you huffed a sigh, the corner of your mouth ticking up in a grin. “I don’t think I quite get it.” 

Yeosang chuckled, leaning back to lap a stripe up your thigh. Nipping at your hip, he slowly began a path up your body, leaving wet kisses in his wake. You sighed, the sound like music to his ears as you turned to putty beneath his hands. 

Your bra was the next garment to leave your body, tossed carelessly to the side as his mouth descended on your chest, lips quickly closing around your peaked nipple. One hand bracing himself, the other lit a contrastingly cool trail down your torso, coming to rest over your underwear. A quiet squeak left you and you squirmed under him, his icy fingers bringing a delicious new sensation to your warm arousal while his lips worked over your other breast. 

“Sangie,” you gasped out, one hand tangling into his hair and tugging encouragingly. “More, please.”

Chuckling lowly against your skin, he obliged, pushing the fabric of your panties to the side to slide his fingers through your wetness. You whined and writhed under him, hips seeking further stimulation—this wasn’t enough. The pad of his finger circled your clit and you jolted, a pitched whine leaving you that had Yeosang’s control snapping in an instant.

He needed more, and he needed it now. More of you, more of your lovely little sounds, more of your warm body pressed against his cold one. 

Pulling back from your chest with a wet noise, he sat back on his heels, tugging his shirt off and tossing it away from him. Your remaining undergarment was pulled off and discarded as he stood, quickly ridding himself of his final layers, too. He drank you in with a gaze that made you feel like prey, delicate and helpless underneath the ancient power that coursed through his veins. Pride swelled in his chest as he took in your open-mouthed, hungry stare. He chuckled to himself and ran a hand across his broad chest, letting you drink in the sight of him. His grin only spread as he watched you turn away from him, shy. 

“My pretty girl,” he hummed, running his fingers up the insides of your thighs as he settled between them again. 

Your pretty little whine had him preening as he lowered himself to your core, grinning up at you. Tossing your legs over his shoulders, he held eye contact and sighed against you as you shuddered, before his tongue flicked out to tease at your slit. He delighted in the way your hands flew to his hair, tangling in the soft strands as you urged him closer. His sharp, calculated gaze remained on you as he flattened his tongue against you, humming happily at the taste of you. His eyes rolled back in his head, finally slipping shut as he began to lose himself in the ecstasy that was your essence. 

Your sounds only grew as he began to eat you out in earnest and they went straight to his cock; Yeosang found himself rutting into the mattress within minutes, desperate to find any amount of friction. His pride fell to the wayside as he gripped your thighs hard enough to bruise, fucking his tongue into you with fervor. He barely came up for air as he buried his face in your pussy, pleasured moans leaving him as he chased both of your peaks. Your tugging on his hair was what brought him back into his mind and, though he shot you a glare, his fingers quickly replaced his mouth. 

You were gasping for breath as he sat upright, grinning proudly while your legs dropped to rest over his elbows. “What’s the matter, love?”

“C-Can’t, g’nna cum,” you gasped, hands coming to rest over his biceps as you melted back into the mattress.

“Oh, well if that’s all,” he hummed, slowly lowering himself back down. You whimpered, hands tangling back into his hair at the warmth of his tongue and the chill of his fingers, but gave no further sounds of protest as he dove back into you. Within seconds, your legs were clamping down around his ears and he was opening his eyes, drinking in the sight of your ecstasy as he worked you over the edge. With one final suck to your clit, he sat back on his heels and drank in the whine that left you, sighing happily.

“Gods above, you taste good,” he murmured, licking his lips hungrily.

“Yeosang,” you whined, hands clawing up his arms to pull him close, “need you baby, please.”

“Need what?” He grinned, shifting up to cage you in completely, his cockhead teasing at your folds. You whine, shifting lower, and he clicked his tongue as one hand came to rest over your throat, stilling your movements.

You whined, blinking up at him with wide, doe eyes, and he had to bite back a growl. “Your cock, Sangie, please.”

He grinned down at you devilishly as he pressed into you, drinking down every whine and moan that spilled from your mouth as he sealed his lips with your own. When he was finally sheathed within your warmth, he sighed happily and buried his face into the crook of your neck. You wrapped your arms around his and he felt secure, safe, as he began a slow and deliberate pace.

“So long as you’re mine,” he whispered against your skin, his speed building. “I will protect you. What is mine is the coven’s and what is the coven’s is mine.” You clenched around him, and he groaned lowly, his eyes squeezing shut. “We keep our own safe.”

You clung to him like a lifeline, the air crackling electric between you as you climbed to your second peak at record speed. The way his speed built in tandem with the passion of his words had you squirming, clawing for him. He shuddered, too, as your walls spasmed around him, his own orgasm catching him by surprise. He sat up straight and sheathed himself in you fully as you both rode out the waves of pleasure, his hips rolling in tiny circles to prolong it. 

With one last kiss to  your forehead, he pulled himself from you and collapsed to your side. He gave himself to the count of ten to bask in the warmth as he felt himself quickly falling into the meditative state he considered “sleep,” emerging from the brink of it to clean you. You sighed, basking in the attention, and Yeosang’s heart skipped a beat as he crawled back into bed with you—tired, cuddly, smiling, perfect you. He prayed you were asleep as he whispered into your hair.

“I love you, Y/N.”

You hid your grin in his chest and fell asleep in his arms.

When you awoke in a bed that was not your own, the curtains around you pulled shut, you startled. Yeosang was laid next to you reading, and as you stirred, he glanced up from his page. “Good morning, darling.” 

You smiled, turning over to press a kiss to his cheek, grinning when he flushed and turned back to his book. “Good morning, Sangie. What time is it?”

“Just after sunrise.” 

Huffing, you pushed yourself up from the bed. “You shouldn’t have let me sleep so late. I’ll have to hope no one has a route in this direction today,” you muttered as you went about gathering your clothes, strewn about the room. “And that no one decided to hang around near my room.”

Yeosang set his book aside, frowning. “I’ll come with you.” 

“You will do no such thing, Kang Yeosang,” you protested, continuing on before he could speak. “The moment you are within firing distance of the castle, the elders will see you taken out. Stay here and speak to Hongjoong; I’ll only be gone a few hours.” He frowned deeply, eyes tracking your movements carefully as you tugged back the curtains an inch. “It’s bright out today, anyway. You wouldn’t be very comfortable past the treeline.”

The fight was over before it had really started, logic winning out over Yeosang’s protective nature. You were right; in the full sun of the day, with the snow reflecting it back up at him, he would be weak. Not only would protecting you be a challenge, his presence might hinder the speed of your mission.

“Alright. I’ll speak with Hongjoong. I’ll give you until noon to be back before I start looking for you.” Grinning, you bounced back across the room, leaning down to press a kiss to Yeosang’s lips. He hummed happily as he carded a hand into your hair, gently tugging you back for more. 

With a hand on his shoulder, you kept him at bay, chuckling quietly to yourself. “You had enough of me last night, love. You can have more tonight, but you have to let me go get my belongings.”

The sigh that left him was half-hearted at best, and you huffed another breath of laughter. “Fine. Be safe and hurry back.” 

“I will.”

As the door shut behind you, something unsettling stirred in his gut. For inexplicable reasons, he felt as though you were lying.

“Yunho, you met this girl. Can we trust her?” Hongjoong questioned, folding his hands neatly in his lap as he leaned back in his chair. He looked relaxed, at ease in the safety of his own chambers, only the twitching of his jaw giving away his current inner turmoil. 

The man in question thought for a moment, shrugging and giving a small nod. “I think Yeosang coming back in one piece today is a pretty good sign.”

He nodded slowly, mulling the request over. It was a great risk for the coven to take in a mortal, both to the mortal and the coven. Word had spread on one occasion they did such a thing, and they had been forced to move rather abruptly. Y/N’s upbringing as a monster hunter added another convoluted layer to the whole ordeal; she could be playing them to spy for her order or, if they truly were on the hunt for her, she could end up getting them all killed. But no matter how stoic and strict he may look to outsiders, Hongjoong had an undeniable soft spot for his coven. So, as Yeosang stood there, a determined and pleading look on his face, the elder vampire caved. 

“Fine. But let her know that she will be expected to pull her weight. She can stay with you and Yunho until we figure out other living arrangements,” he conceded, huffing an annoyed sigh that held little weight. “Now go tell the others.” 

Yeosang beamed, practically bouncing toward the door and flinging it open. Wooyoung, who had just started up the front porch steps, startled and fell back against San.

“Y/N is coming to live with us!” He blurted out, and the pair shared a confused look. “It’s a whole long story. Speaking of, have either of you seen her? I can’t wait to tell her.”

Wooyoung recovered before San did, blinking back into himself and sharing a bright smile with his friend. “That’s great! I can’t wait for her to meet everyone else. Sannie, I think you’ll  really like her. I haven’t seen her around today; is she here?”

“She went to gather her things from the hunters’ stronghold. She should be back any minute.” Something unpleasant coiled in Yeosang’s gut, and he frowned. “You didn’t happen to see any hunters on your way back in, did you?”

San and Wooyoung shared a look that had Yeosang’s blood running cold. “We did,” San confirmed. “They were headed away from here, though. We didn’t bother with them.” 

Behind him, someone stirred, and Yeosang spun on his heel, eyes pleading with Hongjoong as he approached. “She said she’d be in danger if she ran into other hunters. We have to look for her.”

Resolutely, Hongjoong nodded, turning back over his shoulder. “Yunho, get Jongho. San, Wooyoung, go get Seonghwa and Mingi. We’ll head toward their stronghold and work outward—stay in pairs, stay out of sight, and do not eng—”

Before the leader could finish his sentence, a sharp scream echoed through the forest, and Yeosang’s eyes widened. He went rigid for a moment, keen ears twitching as they scanned the forest, tracking the echoes until he could pinpoint a near exact location of origin. He was moving before he could think, dashing down the path and into the treeline. Dodging trees and leaping over fallen branches as he tore through the brush, the warning shouts of his coven fell on deaf ears. They would follow, he knew. He only slowed for a moment when he caught the scent of your blood in the air, tripping over his own feet before pushing forward with even more purpose. 

In hindsight, he should have realized that your familiar yell was not one of fear, as he had been so worried about. He should have taken even a moment to breathe. 

You were still upright when he barreled into the clearing, wrestling with another hunter for what looked to be a blade. Your face was twisted in a grimace, desperation and anger marring the features he was so used to seeing alight with joy. He called your name and you turned, the panic-stricken look you sent him sending confusion and hurt lancing through him. He was here to help; shouldn’t you be happy to see him?

In hindsight, he should have realized why your cry was so familiar to his ears. Maybe he would have registered that it had been full of pure, white-hot rage; the same rage you directed at him during your first meeting.

Time slowed, and with the snap of a wire, Yeosang understood. 

The bolt burned as it pierced through his ribs, and his vision went white with the pain as he toppled forward, falling to his hands and knees with a shout of his own. This time, there was pain in your exclamation; he couldn’t quite make out the words, but he heard the break in your voice that he knew, all too well, meant tears were brimming. He tasted iron as he coughed, distantly registering the shadow of black that splattered the snow in front of him. 

It had been a while since he’d seen his own blood.

More shouts echoed as he fell to his knees, vision going black for a moment. When his sight returned, you were in front of him, and Yeosang’s brow furrowed. Humans like you, as far as he knew, couldn’t move that fast. He glanced over your shoulder, gasping—when had the coven gotten here?

Another blink, and he was on his back, staring up at your distressingly heartbroken expression. Your hands cupped his cheeks for a beat, and he melted into the fleeting feeling, grumbling in disapproval as they streaked down his neck to his sides. About halfway to his hips, they stopped, and the pain that sparked through him had him coming back to his senses, a shout choked behind his teeth.

“Leave it,” he hissed, and you made a pained noise. The iron crossbow bolt had embedded itself firmly and, despite his protests, you gave it another tug. This time, Yeosang shouted, bolting upright and batting your hand away from him. “Barbed,” he croaked, falling back to his hands and knees. “You’ll rip me up if you take it out.” 

“And it’ll poison you slowly if I don’t,” you urged, reaching for him. “You can heal the injuries, please.”

Yeosang frowned deeply, eyes squeezing shut as he took stock of his body. “Not… quickly enough.” 

“Please let me try,” you begged, hand settling below his wound. “Please give yourself a chance. Let me give you a chance, Yeosang, please.”

Oh, how weak he was for you. 

Swallowing thickly, he screwed his eyes shut and nodded, rolling once more onto his back with a wince. “If it pleases you.” 

“None of this pleases me,” you shot back, choking on a sob around your words. Your grip solid around the arrow’s shaft, you gave a strong tug, and Yeosang shouted through gritted teeth as it came free. “I’m sorry, love, I’m sorry,” you breathed, cupping his face.

“No more… apologies. This is not your fault,” he muttered between coughs. His mouth felt wetter than usual and he turned, dizzy as he watched more black mar the white ground. “Oh.” 

“Stay still, Sangie, please, let your magic work. Don’t make things worse. Just… stay here. It’ll be okay.” 

You didn’t sound sure. Yeosang huffed a laugh, coughed. “I won’t heal… fast enough,” he muttered, rolling once more onto his back. “H’ngjoong s-said… You can stay with us. Make sure he keeps… ‘s word.” 

His eyes fluttered shut. He was so tired all of a sudden. Distantly, he could hear you calling to him, could feel your hands on his cheeks. He smiled, leaning into the warmth of your palms, a stark contrast to the chill surrounding him. The world was turning to white noise; Yeosang sighed. 

One voice, familiar and filled with venom, cut through the roar. He was just used to listening for his Captain, after all, and he heard him clear as day now.

“You have just declared a war.”

Everything went quiet.

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[babesonly]

fic recs 2.0!

hello kings (gn) ive got significantly more fic than last time which means this is gonna be a little more organized than the last post bc it is much longer <3 categories in order are non casefic canonverse, casefic/roadtrip fic, finale fixits, endverse, non supernatural aus, and then non destiel ones. titles will be in bold for my favs! also within each category they’re in order from shortest to longest

Canonverse

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MY GOD. anyone who saw the @autisticandroids​ purgatory cannibalism talk and was interested read this right now. also anyone who enjoyed nbc hannibal OR raw (2016). if romantic cannibalism is remotely aligned with your interests read this right now. god

Sam Winchester, Ally At Law by alittleduck (3.3k)

Sam was pretty sure he could read every single gay friendly guide to coming out or supporting queer family members ever written and literally none of them would even imply that arguing with gay people that they were actually just homophobic constituted as "ally behavior". However, Sam was equally sure that none of those book authors had found themselves accidentally watching their brother get pounded by an Angel of the Lord at 9 am on Tuesday, so Sam was pretty sure he might actually still have the higher ground. Now, if only Jack would stop trying to bond with Dean using gay slurs long enough for Sam to convince everyone of that, he might just be able to cobble together some remnant of sanity or, failing that, dignity.

Or, the one where Sam desperately wants to invent PFLAG but Dean won't stop teaching Jack gay slurs

JACK VOICE HEY COCKSUCKERS. 

hummed low by microcomets (3.3k)

Dean pulls the Impala over at a cider barn about thirty miles out; doesn't really think about it, just sees the hokey orange lettering off the roadside and lets his hands guide the Impala off the interstate with gravel spitting under the wheels.

they get a nice day out together and dean has a gay crisis and it’s written beautifully mwah

Vena Amoris and Other Old-Fashioned Bullshit by pyrebi (3.9k)

In which angelic marriage bonds are apparently stupidly easy to trigger, Cas wages multidimensional war in Heaven, Dean can't catch a break like ever, Sam rather enjoys being a dick, love saves the day, and nobody consummates anything.

sometimes i think about this fic and it hits that at this point dean and cas would have been married for more than a year. cas my beloved...

an exploration of gender; angelic by sometimeswelose (4k)

Castiel's true form is made of electromagnetic radiation. He has spent the majority of his life, if you really want to add it all up and average the whole thing out, as a wavelength of celestial intent.

The thing about being made of light: it's light in the physics sense of the word. Castiel's waves are gamma, x-ray, micro, and radio. He's visible light too, of course, a visible light so intense that it is blinding to most humans.

hello trans cas community <3 he’s literally trans he was assigned genderless and then went hm actually i will be a man! love of my life

Some Boys are Sleeping Alone by prosopopeya (4.2k)

This isn't something that's okay, not for him, but it chases him through the years until it turns into something he can't -- doesn't want to deny. 

ohhh deans tenuous relationship with his sexuality my beloved...

love. worship. consummation. consumption. by redeyedwrath (4.3k)

ConsumehimNatural (copyright marcusantonius) the Series!

These are all snapshots centered around the idea of you know. Hunger in Supernatural. Both carnal hunger and other kinds. Fics are shown in semi-chronological order but this series is generally nebulously early seasons.

for ANYONE who is a consumehimnaturual this is required reading it is INCREDIBLE and gorgeous and very visceral and i am so very obsessed with it. thank you redeyedwrath for enabling my brainrot

the reach of human sense by perilously (4.5k)

“You know what Jimmy Novak looked like. You think he was beautiful—gorgeous, hot, all of it. It’s him. Not me. This isn’t my face.”

“But,” Dean says. He doesn’t know where he’s going with it. Just that Cas’ face is right there, brows drawn together and cheekbones gleaming in the lamplight. It’s a face that’s made his heart skip probably a couple hundred beats collectively since they met.

And it used to belong to someone else.

this one is just very nice <3 cas gets uncomfortable w dean calling him attractive since dean has never seen his trueform and they work it out

Down in the River by Ias (4.7k)

Alone in Purgatory and hunted by Leviathans, Castiel finds himself praying to the one person who can't hear him.

cas i love you <3 cas alone in purgatory praying to dean bc dean is the only thing he still worships i love you so much

Creature of Habit by trinityofone (5.1k)

The more you love someone, the more you want to kill them. Or: How Cas developed some bad habits, and Dean coped surprisingly well.

written in s5 when cas was depowered and completely nails the later seasons bitchy husbands dynamic it’s very good and fun <3

sink by crackers4jenn (5.4k)

"Where to?" A 9.06 coda.

very bittersweet very well written and also canon compliant so do not go into this one looking for a happy ending but i DO recommend it it’s very good

Sensational by castiowl (6.1k)

“When I first came to earth, it was advised that we temper the senses bound to our vessels. They were a distraction, we were told. An antiquated form of experiencing existence that would hinder our ability to complete our missions, whatever that may be. My true form can better facilitate these experiences. What you would recognize as heightened senses of sight and sound, among other things.”

Or, how Dean helps Cas experience all five human senses for the first time in one night.

early seasons deancas man. i love the sound part i love dean being so worried about doing a good job with this. god. read this please

Something to Protect by Sass_Master (6.2k)

Dean’s violent reaction to being unexpectedly woken has become something of a running joke among them, but Castiel can’t help but look past it to the underlying cause. It makes him ache to think that Dean feels so unsafe, so persecuted, before he’s even fully conscious.

Secretly, Castiel has been determined to work on that, to ease Dean into awareness in a less jarring way, smooth away one of the many stresses that follow him even in sleep. Now’s as good a time as any to try.

oh to sleep more soundly in the presence of someone you love...this fic is very nice i enjoyed it a lot

all this and heaven too by ftmsteverogers (7k)

“Hey,” Dean said. “I’m not ashamed of you, okay?”

Cas raised skeptical eyes to meet his.

“I mean it,” Dean insisted.

“I understand you mean it,” Cas said. “But I don’t think it’s any better if you’re only ashamed of yourself.”

hello trans dean community here is 7k of trans dean having to deal with his internalized homophobia now that he’s sleeping with cas <3 it is SO good

The wilderness. by orange_crushed (8k)

He takes a shower and the pressure is not especially good, but it doesn’t matter. It’s warm and he stands under the spray a long time. Human skin, he knows, constantly renews itself, shedding the dead cells of the epidermis. He wonders how long it will take until he is an entirely new person, until every cell on his surface is a new one. He looks at his hands under the water. It might take less than a month.

this might be the only post 9x03 fic on here with a happy ending actually? plenty of good melancholy leading up to it though <3 canon divergent after 9x03 though which means no 9x06 fanfiction gap but it is absolutely worth reading

till the juice runs by deathbanjo (8.4k)

Apparently whoever drew up the venn diagram of Dean’s sex life decided the circle labelled ‘good sex’ and the one labelled ‘sex with men’ should be kept far apart.

hello this one is SO funny dean finally gets comfortable enough with his bisexuality to start having sex with men and it goes so very bad every time so sorry about your shitty choices beloved </3

First Date by aeli_kindara (8.9k)

“We should go on a date. You and me.”

Castiel wishes he could see Dean’s face. He wishes he had any idea what to say.

“I’m asking you out, Cas.”

this one is very sweet i liked it a lot <3 good refreshing little fic where they just get to have a nice evening together

Entertaining Strangers by cadignan (9k)

Dean settles on to his side, lying in the bed facing Castiel. “So you had sex without me and you bit all my moves. I think I deserve to hear about it, at least. What was her name?”

op im in love with you. premise is established relationship deancas and cas mentions he did have sex before dean and not only that it was a threesome. good for him <3 this fic is cas describing the story of what led up to the threesome and what happened during it while dean interrupts regularly. incredible

the shape you take by noviembre (10k)

“What?” Dean says, fake-offended. “I’d be hot as a girl, you know I would.”

And this is when he really, really should have stopped talking. When he shouldn't have whipped back around and asked, “Cas, if I was a woman, you’d fuck me, right?”

Because if he hadn’t said that, then he wouldn’t have had to deal with this:

Cas, meeting his eyes, forehead wrinkles all smoothed out like there’s nothing to be confused about anymore. Cas with something at the corner of his mouth that might barely be called a smile.

Cas saying, calmly and without hesitation, “Yes, Dean.”

--

Dean Winchester fucks around and, with the inadvertent help of some witches, Finds Out.

dean winchester your gender is diabolical. this fic is insane and its the only thing that matters actually. dean fully convinced its normal and straight to think about being a woman so you can fuck your male friend. incredible. op im proposing to you

Sinnerman by a_good_soldier (10k)

Dean listens to Nina Simone, reads Anne Carson, and makes out with a dude (sort of).

yall want to read about dean realizing he’s in love with a man as a direct result of learning to better respect women right?

you’re fooling yourself by cowboydeanwinchester (13k)

Dean Winchester and Castiel retire from hunting to raise baby Jack. Dean struggles to allow himself the things he truly wants.

Jack is two, Castiel and Dean are idiots, and Sam's gotta solve everyone's problems.

love a married couple who doesn’t know they’re married <3 everyone say thank you sam for bullying dean 

The Girlfriend Experience by rageprufrock (15k)

While it's not like Dean hasn't had a couple of truly regrettable hit-and-runs in his sexual history, this is probably the saddest fucking thing that has ever happened to him.

a classic for good fucking reason. we’ve all talked about dean thinking holding hands is too gay after having just had gay sex but my personal favorite was sam accusing dean of cheating on cas because dean bought condoms. incredible

No Kingdom To Come by domesticadventures (16k)

“We should fuck,” Dean says.

Cas looks up from where he sits on his bed, hair still damp from the shower, frowning as he places a finger on the page of his book to mark where he left off.

There are a million things Cas could say here; Dean has rehearsed them. After lunch, his restlessness had given way to a vague panic, a dread that matched his every step and crept along with him from room to room. Eventually, he had returned to his bedroom and spent the rest of the afternoon pacing back and forth, playing out all the possible scenarios. When Cas asks him Why? or Are you being serious? or when he sighs and says, in that way he has, Dean, he knows exactly what he’s going to do. He’s going to shrug casually, like he isn’t invested in the answer, like he isn’t desperate for an outlet, and say, Why not? He’s going to raise an eyebrow and say, What, are you not interested? He’s going to crowd into Cas’ personal space, he’s going to shove himself right up in there and whisper Cas against his ear.

Instead, Cas says, carefully, “Okay.”

literally the only quarantine fic i’ve ever bothered to read in any fandom and completely worth it it’s SO good. they become fwb and dean has an existential crisis and he keeps bringing up meaninglessness and death during sex

Bodies by Speary (18k)

It was a secret they never acknowledged even with each other. It would change everything, end everything if either of them ever dropped the act. So they became very good at acting, at keeping up the lie that gave them what they wanted. Even if that lie involved constantly seeking out temporary, consenting female vessels, Cas would do it. He told himself it was worth it for Dean. He just hoped that he could stop wanting more, or maybe one day Dean might stop pretending that he wasn't really sleeping with Cas every time.

i don’t even have anything to add tbh if that summary did not immediately make you click we are very different this fic is incredible. god. fellas do you ever make yourself a woman so you can fuck the man you love without him having to talk about it or confront his sexuality

it’s such a mystery (the way you know me) by fleeceframe (20k)

So the man crouching in front of Castiel is named Dean. He wonders if that’s supposed to mean something to him.

“Cas must’ve got hit with something earlier. He just dropped like a sack of fucking potatoes a minute ago. By the time I was checking on him, he had already woken up again, but now he doesn’t fucking know who we are.”

“I’m right here you know,” Castiel says testily.

Sam’s eyes are wide even as his eyebrows are furrowed, and he looks between Dean and Castiel again.

“What do you remember, Cas?”

“Firstly, that I’m not Cas. I don’t know who Cas is, but it’s not me. I don’t know who either of you are, either."

or the one where castiel is hit with a memory curse that makes him forget the winchester brothers and is stunned to find out he has a family... also why can't he stop thinking about dean?

BEST amnesia fic oh my god. cas my beloved you deserve the world. everyone read this that is not a request.

More Than Ever by Sass_Master (20k)

Dean’s getting some pancakes together for breakfast when Cas saunters in after a run.

He’s trying to focus on whisking batter, unfairly distracted by Cas a few feet away, breathing heavily and shining with perspiration. Dean’s been painfully aware for a long time that Cas is pretty easy on the eyes, but he’s used to seeing Cas buttoned-up and unflappable, looking straight-laced in a stiff oxford and an unflattering trenchcoat.

Now Cas is sweating, Dean’s borrowed t-shirt clinging to his skin, flushed from exertion and Dean really can’t deal with that in his kitchen right now.

this entire series is really good i enjoyed it a lot, i’m just putting this one specifically on the list bc the rest of the series is very explicit and this is really good as a standalone for anyone who wouldn’t be into the rest of the series!!

Being Dean Winchester by Anonymous (20k)

"You should show me some respect. I dragged you out of hell. I can throw you back in."

Who the fuck was this bitchy "warrior of God" doing talking to him like that? Fuck Cas-tee-el and his dumbass trench coat and abrasive motherfucking attitude.

Dean was done with this shit.

***

Wherein a monster of the week steals the essence of Castiel's vessel, so he must use Dean, recently raised from hell, as a vessel instead.

it is at this point i realize that there are more fics than i expected there to be on this list that involves a threesome with only two people/using the presence of a female body to act like what’s happening is heterosexual. deangirlism is a disease 

I Shall Not Want by domesticadventures (20k)

His grace is burning out, and the wasteland it leaves inside him becomes an echo chamber for all the memories, all the fear and doubt and self-loathing he's collected over the years. Things said and done hound him on endless repeat until he's convinced they’ll break through his skin and fill the silence of the bunker.

His head is killing him, and he sits hunched over an open book, not really reading, just digging his fingers into his skull and praying nothing slips through the cracks.

this one is GORGEOUS i love it so so much. dean and cas are both struggling so much to get by and they’re trying to support each other but fucking it up and they have to grow together and learn to cope with the fact that this is where their lives are and they fall in love i need everyone to read this

To Boldly Go by 8daysuntiltheapocalypseiguess (24k)

Title: Just One of Those Things Author: Impala67 Series: TOS Rating: M Summary: Four years into their five-year mission, and all the planets start to look the same.

In which Dean is not Gene Roddenberry, but he does write Star Trek fanfiction.

mx winchester writing star trek fanfiction to process his own trauma <3 this is a wip but it’s SO good and i also have not consumed a single piece of star trek media so it IS definitely readable to anyone who isn’t a star trek fan. please read this

where the weeds take root by deathbanjo (30k)

“Are you happy? Y’know. Just—being here,” Dean says, gesturing to the yard with his beer bottle. “Being with—I mean, you used to fight in celestial wars and—and save the world. Now you’re growing vegetables and talking about chickens.”

this is on here just for the 1.5 people who were putting off this one like i did for no reason. it’s extremely good and it is just gentle. i enjoyed it a lot

Heroes for Ghosts by pantheon_of_discord (42k)

After Sam and Dean are arrested, Castiel is left alone and scrambling to find them. He knows they’re locked away in a government facility, and he’s still able to hear their prayers, but no matter how he tries Castiel can’t seem to track them. He chases leads and even attempts to hunt on his own, but Mary is AWOL, Crowley refuses to help, and Castiel’s options are running out.

Weeks pass, Castiel’s hope dwindles, and through it all Dean prays, keeping them connected. His voice is comforting, frustrating, and occasionally annoying, but in his solitude Castiel comes to cherish it. But then one day, without warning, Dean stops praying, and Castiel is forced to confront some uncomfortable truths about his feelings.

yall ever wonder what it would’ve been like if the sam and dean arrest storyline in s12 was interesting? yeah <3

Teaching Poetry to Fish by aeli_kindara (52k)

In which Castiel teaches poetry to fish. Also, himself. Also, eventually, Dean.

(A series-long story, diverging slightly from canon after S14.)

cas learning about humanity through poetry before dean and thats what led to him developing enough emotion to be lobotomized....cas i love you so much

Emergence by ellispark (58k)

Something’s been missing from Dean’s life for the past three years, a void left after a hunt gone terribly wrong. He often feels a sense of longing with no discernible cause, a need to talk to someone who isn’t there.

A call from an acquaintance leads Dean to James Novak, a man who disappeared more than a decade ago, and suddenly Dean gets the feeling he’s found what he’s been missing. But James isn’t really James — he’s the angel Castiel, who’s wanted by angels, demons and hunters alike. And he may be at the center of the storm that wrecked Dean’s life all those years ago.

another cool amnesia fic!! for unknown reasons everyone forgot cas three years ago but cas didn’t forget anything. cas deserves so much love and support. god

a turn of the earth by microcomets (95k)

Dean’s your typical half-orphaned, monster-killing 22-year-old until a trenchcoated stranger crashes into his back windshield one September night, claiming he’s an angel that knows him from the future and that he’s on the run.

Frigging fantastic.

(Or, in which Castiel gets stuck in Dean’s timeline preseries and Dean kind of hates it—until he doesn’t.)

cas getting to meet and fall in love with pre hell dean just as much as he loves the dean he already knows oh my GOD. i love this fic so much. turn of the earth my beloved

Crossing Lines by sometimeswelose (122k)

Two Deans, one Cas - it's not as sexy as it sounds

Or

An ethics lesson from Hell

Or

The one where Dean from the past meets Dean in the present. They're not sure they like each other very much.

deans intense self hatred vs cas’ unwavering love for every version of dean oh my GOD also this is a wip fair warning but it’s so worth waiting for updates i’m having such a great time with this one i cannot wait to see how it gets ended

Plot Holes by saltyfeathers (160k)

Of course it wasn’t over after the apocalypse.

There was season six. Then there was season seven. Against all expectations, there was season eight. There were the alphas and purgatory, and then the Leviathans, and then the angels fell. Enter season nine. Loose threads Metatron, Abaddon, and Crowley have to be tied up. Sam, Dean, and Cas have to try to tie them while at the same time dealing with their evolving relationships and newfound graceless states.

Amidst all the chaos, someone has started publishing the Supernatural novels again. Convinced there’s something amiss in the pages, Charlie starts her own quest to suss out the truth behind the Winchester Gospels.

With the help of various faces, old and new, they must now not only deal with the typical runs of demons and recently fallen angels, but also reconcile the battles raging inside themselves, as the fate of the world, once again, quite literally lays in the palm of their hands.

saltyfeathers said i WILL make the plot holes in this show mean something because the showrunners are sure as shit never gonna adress them ! and i thank them for it bc this was a really cool read

Casefic/Roadtrip Fic

Deprived Of Every Planet by KelpietheThundergod (9k)

Dean's breathing is audible in the scant space between them, irregular. The motel room is dark, pale blue shadows falling in through the gaps in the blinds. Throwing a pattern of uneven white stripes over the bunched up covers. Over Dean's fingers twisted in the sheets. One half of him in shadow, softened by the dark. The heat of his skin. The tremble of him under Castiel's touch.

He caresses a hand over Dean's chest, slowly. Dean's mouth falls open, his body arching into Castiel's touch. Castiel stops over Dean's heart. Through the fever of his desire, he rejoices about the wonder of experiencing another's heartbeat through one's own senses.

Dean gasps, but then he turns his face away and towards the dark. Eyes closed tight and brows furrowed like something is hurting him.

Castiel stills.

“Dean?”

the case is background on this one but it Does take place over the course of a case so im putting it here. god touchstarved dean trying so hard to work through his shit for cas head in my hands i love this fic so much

before and after breakfast by spocklee (10k)

The monster of the week is a ghost who hates meat, alcohol, and feeling yourself. Guess who it is during the commercials.

chapter 2 of this one.....god. dean and cas you are both so unwell <3 i love everything abt this fic everyone read it now

we shovel all the ashes out by xylodemon (15k)

Dean’s always known things were headed this way. He just figured getting dragged under would be cleaner and easier than jumping in feet-first.

fics that make you go Oh they love each other...also there’s lesbians in it literally what else could you want.

thunder road by dothraki_shieldmaiden (20k)

After Chuck is defeated and the Winchesters settle into life without God, Dean Winchester is bored.

OR: Dean and Cas take a road trip and figure out some stuff along the way.

this fic is just like. it’s kind! this fic is kind it’s just a pleasant experience and i enjoyed it thoroughly. they’re in love and it’s good

Suck It, Judy Garland by GlitterDwarf, midrashic (20k)

It had to be St. Louis. Or, the one where Sam and Cas get fake married for a case, and Dean loses his mind.

actually im gonna defend dean here imagine youre dean and cas gives what definitely sounded like a deathbed love confession while making eye contact with you and then immediately afterwards fake dates your brother. who among us would not have been a bitch about this

best friends without benefits by lizbobjones (20k)

It’s nearing three a.m. and they’ve been on the road a long time. Sam’s been asleep in the back seat since eleven. Giving up and handing the wheel over to Cas and letting the guy who doesn’t sleep drive had seemed like a good idea.

the premise of this fic is so funny. cas voice dean you want to fuck me so bad it makes you look stupid. everyone read this

the taste of gravel in the mouth by deathbanjo (22k)

This is what Cas gave up Heaven for: greasy diner food, shitty motel rooms with even shittier cable, long car rides spent in complete silence except for the same six tapes playing over and over again, and a burnt-out husk of a man who can barely hold a conversation anymore.

alt version of getting rid of the mark of cain, the darkness never happens. this one is VERY heavy but it’s so good and it has a hopeful ending. ive read this one twice and loved it both times

Someone Who’s Feeling For Me by ellispark (45k)

Dean sees her for the first time in nearly six years in some no-name town in Idaho, and it's panic at first sight.

Lisa Braeden, the one woman Dean ever actually had a shot at a real life with, back from where he buried her in his mind. And her hand is on Cas's arm like it's no big deal, like it belongs there. Cas, Dean's dorky, sweet, badass, angelic best friend, and he's just standing there next to Lisa and not moving her hand away.

Dean feels the jealousy rising, and it's not directed where he expected it to be. Because it takes this exact moment for Dean to realize he's in love with his best friend. He's in love with his best friend, and Lisa is looking at Cas like he's the best thing since automatic rifles, and Dean is utterly fucked.

hello op please contact me. please contact me and let me see the inside of your brain. this fic was an unparalleled experience and everyone should also go through it. i love it so very much

Bumper Cars by mansikka (111k)

Two teenagers are missing from an abandoned carnival, and there’s enough to raise suspicion that their disappearance involves a ghost. Dean, Sam, and Cas arrive in town to investigate, though what they find leads them away from those teenagers, and on the trail of a ghost story that churns up things from their past.

Can newly-human Cas, and Dean, with the help of shipper!Sam, work out the mystery behind the abandoned carnival and its ghost, and along the way, figure out the riddle that is them?

one of my absolute fav case fics it forces dean to confront some aspects of johns parenting and work through some shit and also him and cas fall in love and it’s really well done. love this one a lot <3

Finale Fix-its/Finale Denial

Sorry Jimmy by K_K_TiBal (2.1k)

Based on the tumblr textpost:

jellydeans: so are cas and jimmy novak just up in heaven existing at the same time katebushstandean: #jimmy moves to heaven timbuku so that dean stops trying to make out with him every time they run into each other at the heaven grocery store

this one is just extremely funny. local midwestern heterosexual man is forced to play relationship counselor to the dumbest gay people in existence because one of them wore his face

Dean Winchester Really Needs To Make Some Gay Friends by AreYouReady (2.2k)

“Like, I’m trying to think if I’ve had, I don’t know, crushes. If I ever had a gay thing before you came along and just didn’t notice,” Dean said.

Cas suddenly looked down, and away from Dean. If Dean didn’t know better, he would swear Cas looked guilty.

“What is it, Cas?”

“You have had several… gay things before.” Cas still wouldn’t look at him.

“What? When? How come you know this better than I do?”

There was no way the answer to this question wasn’t funny as hell.

dean learning about gay ppl via the memories of dean smith...incredible.

tiny difference (between ending and starting to begin) by sunforgrace (2.4k)

Sometimes Dean catches Cas staring at the sky.

It doesn’t happen often. Not when Dean’s around to tell, anyway. But often enough that he starts to notice.

Eventually Dean starts to recognize the pattern.

Cas just doesn’t watch the sky. He watches the birds.

Chuck is gone, Cas is human, and the world is safe. In the quiet aftermath Dean and Castiel find each other again.

i really don’t have much to say abt this one it is just very good and they love each other so much

Bring Home by cenotaphy (3.8k)

Dean's phone doesn't ring on the drive back to the Bunker, but that's okay. Because—well, maybe Cas lost his cell, what with getting shuffled back and forth between a cosmic void dimension and all. And anyway, Dean doesn't want this conversation to happen over the phone, he wants to—he wants to talk to Cas face-to-face. They should talk face-to-face.

Dean will tell him—

Dean doesn't know what he'll tell Cas. Dean is, in fact, terrified by how utterly and completely he does not know what he'll say to Cas.

cas being forced to face the consequences of sending the risky text that was despair <3

dean’s coworkers vs the heteronormative agenda by cowboydeanwinchester (4.1k)

Dean started working at a local auto repair shop in Lebanon, Kansas about a year ago. His coworkers don't know much about him. Except that he has a wife. Or maybe he doesn't. But he has a kid. Who is either a toddler or a high schooler. Who is either named Jack or Sammy. He also might have a best friend named Cas, but that also might be his wife.

Truth is nobody knows what to make of Dean.

obsessed w people not knowing a single fucking thing about dean because he talks so much and never explains anything. this fic is SO funny

Enhanced Extraction Techniques by goldenraeofsun (5.8k)

The Empty takes Meg’s shape, Samandriel’s, Duma’s, every one of the thousands of angels Cas killed up in heaven. But in the middle of lecturing Cas in the form of Balthazar, it explodes in a burst of light and sound.

Dean Winchester stands in the aftermath.

the empty playing mind games on an awake cas bc it can’t put him to sleep is a thing i like a lot and this is very very good 

Speak Silence No More by rea_sunshine (8.1k)

When Dean imagined this moment, it went like this:

Dean bursts into the Empty—guns blazing, chin high, righteous anger coursing through him. No matter what form his plans and fantasies and whiskey-drunk-whispered-promises took, he is always, always successful. When he imagined it, he was finally the hero Cas deserved.

The reality of the moment is this:

It’s fucking cold.

dean and cas STILL managing to not communicate with each other properly after the confession is so funny to me and this fic does it really well. also i like that a human being in the empty, where humans do NOT belong, had some like. consequences

my heart is a compass by lagaudiere (10k)

“There you are,” the Empty says, in Dean’s voice. It’s cold, like Dean’s eyes are cold, his expression set in contempt. It’s the expression Cas feared, he realizes, all the times he thought about saying it. Revulsion. It makes him feel sick in the way that goes beyond physical, here where there is nothing physical left.

The moment before it happened had been so sweet it covered up all the hurt. For years, Cas had been holding back those words, biting down on his tongue to keep from saying them. And now he had said it, and he knew that it was good, knew that it was worth it. But on the other side there is only this.

--

In the Empty, Cas dreams of his regrets, until someone comes looking for him.

one of thee best dean rescues cas from the empty fics out there i love the way his memories are written i love how many of them were ones that this fic came up with to give me new things to have brainworms over instead of just making me more fixated on He Watched Him Rake Leaves than i already am

killing time by orestespdf (11k)

It's been four years since Dean saved Cas from the Empty and confessed his feelings in return, and in their Vermont lakehouse, the retired couple is now learning how to heal. One morning, Dean gives Cas a haircut.

(A character study of Castiel.)

perfect fic perfect fic no notes no complaints they love each other so much and now dean is giving cas a haircut and they’re spending the day together. god.

and every time we kiss, i swear i can fly by knameless (14k)

Every time, Dean tells himself it’s the last.

--

aka, twelve times dean and cas kiss.

a just boy best friends kiss for every season <3 mwah

for which no words exist by MediaWhore (14k)

'a prayer for which no words exist' // richard siken

"Dear Cas who art in my bathtub, give me the strength to be honest about how I feel. For your sake and for mine. Forgive me all the times I wasn’t in the past, all the words I should have said but didn’t. And please stay. Please stay with me when all is said and done. Amen. "

Dean rescues a newly human Cas from the Empty. That's the easy step.

mediawhore i am in LOVE with you oh my god this fic. this fic. dean taking care of cas after rescuing him dean wrapping cas in a blanket oh my GOD

swimming with the fish pond fish by februyuri (17k)

Some time between Dean bleeding out on a makeshift hook in a barn in Ohio and Sam making marshmallows on his funeral pyre, Dean was brought back to life. By Castiel. Again. Dean agreed to it if only to give Jack time to work out the glitches up top. So, now Dean’s back in the land of the living and things are ... actually good, for once.

Or, as good as they can be when demons are attacking Earth, Dean’s failing to get over why he died in the first place, and Cas is suddenly, inexplicably taking every opportunity to casually tell Dean that he loves him.

this is a wip! but it is so good and so worth the read i love it a lot and am very excited for the last chapter. it IS pretty heavy though dean has a LOT to work through

looking like a true survivor (feeling like a little kid) by courfeyrac (20k)

"Jack’s a clever kid—has been ever since he was born, maybe even before that—but Dean’s pretty sure he hasn’t figured out where they’re going yet. And Dean’s… Dean’s excited about it. He remembers planning surprises for Sammy when they were little—saving up quarters and sneaking off to the arcade the year he turned seven, or slipping a book Dean had seen Sammy admiring into his jacket before sprinting out of the store the year he turned twelve. There was only so much Dean could give him back then, hindered by lack of finances and transportation and a father who paid attention. Now, though, Dean’s got a wallet full of cash, a tank full of gas, and the freedom to give his kid the kind of birthday he deserves."

Or, it's Jack's fourth birthday, and the kid wants to go to Build-A-Bear.

EVERYONE READ THIS RIGHT NOW. that is not a request this fic undid me. oh my god. oh my god. they’re a family and they’re going to build a bear and they love each other. oh my god. also no it isn’t a baby jack fic he is 4 and he is also alcal

what’s missing is found (our souls can exhale now) by sobsicles (27k)

It's not the first time Claire has ever gone missing. It is, however, the first time Kaia panics about it. Dean's dragged into the mess, but he soon finds that it's the best thing that could have happened to him.

~~~

"But have you ever just met someone and maybe it wasn't from the first moment, maybe it was after all these other moments that meant more than you ever expected them to, and it seems like your soul just—just—" Kaia makes a helpless gesture with her hands, pushing out, and she breathes out loudly. "Like it can finally exhale. And that person isn't guaranteed to make you happy, but they're—they're important. You just know it, you can't even escape it, you can't let them go. Ever met someone like that, Dean?"

"I—" Dean halts, his mouth hanging open. He's looking at Kaia, who's looking at him, and his heart is fluttering in his throat like a caged bird aching to soar again. His mind threatens to spiral out of control, but he focuses, swallowing hard. "Yeah. Um. I—yeah, I have."

deancas AND dreamhunter we love to see it also dean DOES smoke weed with kaia and apologizes for pulling a gun on her what more could you want in a fic

Command Me To Be Well by prospopeya (28k)

Dean did a lot of thinking about when and how he would get Cas back. Months of it, actually, stretching into a year, because while Sam and Eileen were settling into their new lives, Dean was stuck. He was stuck in a faraway corner of the bunker, dark and empty and hollow, ringing with the sound of a vibrating phone.

So when he falls to his knees in that same room, exhausted, hurting, breathless, and he feels a hand on his shoulder and looks up to see Cas, he realizes that he doesn't have a single clue about what to do now. Getting Cas out had been easy--actually, it'd been the opposite of that--but the planning of it, the methodical desperation of one attempt after the other had been a familiar rhythm. It'd been soothing almost, solid, something to focus on that wasn't Cas's eyes, watery and jubilant in a way Dean hadn't ever seen that up close on anyone, let alone Cas.

And now Cas is pulling him to his feet, and Dean's stumbling, and he instinctually grabs Cas's arm, and his hand lights up with a fire that he isn't prepared for.

"Hello, Dean."

oh post despair lack of communication....oh dean refusing to work through his feelings...this fic is incredible i love it everyone who enjoys dean doing everything in his power to avoid talking about feelings up to and including having sex with the guy who’s in love with him multiple times should read this

break the skin (to break the barriers) by sobsicles (29k)

The first time she meets him, he's nothing more than an almost-missed appointment.

SOBSICLES TATTOO FIC MY BELOVED. dean grieving and getting tattoos and it turns into tattoo therapy. im SO in love with mitzi it’s insane. requires some suspension of disbelief for how long a tattoo takes but it’s an incredible fic and an unparalleled experience. sobsicles does not miss

ascend by quiettewandering (53k)

Something in the world is wrong.

Demon activity is rising where mysterious black substance oozes and unusual ecological events are shaking the world. Dean, grief hanging on his shoulders, restlessly searches for answers that might lead him to the Empty… and to Cas.

But what Chuck wrote can’t be undone. The narrative thread pulls Dean along, forcing him to comply. Because once a story already has an ending, it can’t be rewritten.

Or can it?

SUPER cool concept i liked this a lot i’m pretty sure everyone’s read it already but just in case someone hasn’t you absolutely should

oh sooner or later it all comes down to faith by sobsicles (62k)

Getting used to Heaven is something of a marvel. It ain't perfect, and Dean thinks he'd hate it if it was, which is probably why it isn't.

~~~

"You don't understand," Dean whispers, exhaling shakily. "I know you don't, because even I don't. The instant you were gone, I wanted you back. Cas, I wanted you back. I wanted—I wanted—"

Cas stares at him, searching his face. After a moment, his own face falls slack, eyes widening just so. "Oh," he breathes out.

Dean wants to be furious that Cas has figured it out before he has—whatever it is—but he's not even that surprised. Cas knows him too well, always has, even more than Dean knows himself. He's been kicking Dean in the goddamn teeth with how deeply he understands him, even about the things Dean doesn't, ever since they first met. You don't think you deserve to be saved, that's what Cas had said. All bundled up in impossibilities and power, this being that looked at Dean Winchester and knew every single inch of him, as if he had a right to each part.

"What?" Dean grits out.

"I love you, too."

the ONLY heaven fic. i do not read heaven fics bc i refuse to budge in my finale denialism i refuse to read fic where it is accepted that dean dies. i was hesitant to read this but god im glad i did it was so good. literally the best possible outcome of dean dying

Endverse

final fantasy. by orange_crushed (1.9k)

“If I’d actually been born human, would I have gotten sick like everyone else? Would I be running around gnawing on the neighbors?” Castiel tilts his head up and even from here Dean can see the black ring of his pupils, wide and dark as dead stars. He’s high as fuck and he’s been loading the guns for forty-five minutes. He stares into the space where Dean is. He smiles and shows his teeth. “Maybe you’d have already put a bullet in my head.”

"This is why you don’t lead storytime anymore," Dean says. "This kind of shit."

endverse last night on earth fics are something that can be so personal actually. god

The Last Song by Moorishflower (3.5k)

The very last song is the Song of Solomon, and Castiel sings it only for Dean. Set in "The End."

this is like. pre endverse and the tone is so like. wistful? is the best word ive got? it’s gorgeous i love it but fair warning there is graphic description of like. viscera and infected wounds

to think that we could stay the same by cipherwriter (6.5k)

cas has all he needs; himself, his creation, and enough power to continue this cycle for a long time. he's fine. dean wants to take care of him anyway.

oh my GOD this one is good it’s based off the thing of how originally endverse cas was supposed to be just sitting in a room killing and resurrecting the same cockroach over and over. very bittersweet at some points i love it a lot, do not read it if youre looking for something happy though lmao

the first church at the end of the world by withbloodstainedclothingon (11k)

The angels don’t eat the brain. Only Croats do that.

this one is fucked but it’s incredible it contains very heavy and violent subject matter and cas is an Actual cult leader he doesn’t just have orgies it is SO well done and i had a great time reading it i recommend it very highly if the warnings sound like something you can stomach

Down to Agincourt by seperis (1.1 million. i know. yes it’s a wip)

There is no such thing as a guarantee when it comes to war.

The outcome's known. Why try? Return your rusty sword to battered sheath, bow your head and bend your stubborn knee. Why take the field when you cannot win the war? But Harry -- he went down to Agincourt.

PLEASE. i know the length is intimidating i KNOW it’s a very long fic but please. please read down to agincourt i am begging you. head in my HANDS this series is incredible.

Non Supernatural AUS

Long-Term Relationship by bendingsignpost (2.7k)

Castiel says, budging over to make room for Dean on the couch, “I thought we should have a serious talk about our relationship.”

Reflexively, Dean laughs.

Castiel does not.

“Uh, Cas... you know we’re not dating, right?”

look man it’s bendingsignpost okay. it’s bendingsignpost it’s good and it’s sweet and you should read it

One White Lie by komodobits (11k)

Castiel takes a deep breath and rings the doorbell. He doesn’t need to run through what he’s going to say – he’s already planned and edited and rehearsed it a thousand times. He is going to ask Dean Winchester out to dinner. If it’s not too forward, he’ll say, perfectly charming. You see, I’ve seen you around the neighbourhood and you always seem so earnest and I’d really like to get to know you bette— The door swings open, and Castiel panics.

He intends to excuse himself. He means to apologise and come back some other time. However, in a moment of blind fear, what comes out of his mouth instead are the words, “Could you spare a moment for Jesus Christ?”

do you ever pretend to be a jehovahs witness for months to hang out with the guy you like because you fucked up asking him out? yeah.

separate ways and sleeping dogs by sobsicles (53k)

Dean is three years sober when Cas comes back into town.

~~~

For a moment, they just stare at each other. Dean, once again, has to swallow the urge to offer to swallow something else. It's very hard to resist the gut-wrenching pull of want that hooks in his chest whenever he looks at Cas. And to think, he used to have him, used to be able to act on that want.

God, he's so fucking stupid.

Well, there's no point in kicking himself three years later for shit he can't change. He'll just sit right here and pretend that his fingers aren't twitching with the urge to reach out and touch. He can't do that anymore, and it's his own damn fault.

"Three years ago," Cas prompts.

Dean huffs a weak laugh. "Yeah. Eventful."

this fic hit me SO hard emotionally oh my god. don’t have much to say bc most of my thoughts on this fic are very personal but my god read this please

Everyone’s a Critic by Englandwouldfall (109k)

The one where uninspired chef Dean Winchester has a one night stand with the male (!) food critic who described the flavour of his garlic bread as 'closeted' and accidentally ends up dating him to try and prove that he's a kick ass chef, thank you very much.

(He may have a point about the 'closeted' thing).

this one is SO fun. dating the food critic who called your garlic bread closeted and lying about your career because you’re embarrassed and you want to redeem your food in his eyes but then you fall in love with him

Non Destiel Centric

gender? you mean that thing i have that pisses people off? by bigender dean winchester (homosexualitie) (946 words)

sam and dean paint each other's nails and dean abuses the technicalities of her gender. what more could you want? 

HELLO HE/SHE DEAN COMMUNITY oh my god the pure rush of euphoria reading this. oh my god. oh my god. 

the quiet road to a distant city by rottingbrains (1.2k)

Sam stares out the windshield again. They’re approaching a city, and she can see the lights in the distance. She’s past the danger zone, and she feels like the world around her reflects that in some way she can’t put into words- as if God is telling her that it’s okay. She did the right thing, and soon she will be past the lonely unknown and into the warm, forgiving light of acceptance. Or something. Come to think of it, the lights only look warm from far away, and she knows that the actual city will seem far less welcoming. Still. Best not to imagine the worst when it’s already going well.

required reading for transfem lesbian sam fans. fics that live in your ribcage to make your heart feel good

Four People Ruby Seduced & One She Actually Fell For (Or: Ruby's Epic Love Affair with Humanity in General and Sam in Specific) by tuesday (3.7k)

In which Ruby has a lot of sex, is not any kind of therapist that would be legal, and helps a few people out for her own reasons. (S4/S5 AU)

for everyone out there who enjoys ruby being a girlboss <3

Fractured Link by Trell (orphan_account) (5.5k)

Meg goes on, resolute despite the way Dean flinches, "He likes me. He likes me a lot, and I like him back, and that's probably good enough for both of us. But fuck me for saying so, Dean-o, he loves you, probably more than anything else on his daddy's green Earth, and you need to man up and give back what Clarence over there has been devoting to you for years."

this is meg/dean/cas which is not smth i really seek out but this was extremely good. set in s7 so it’s meg and dean and honey cas and it’s a lot of dean figuring his shit out and trying to forgive cas and i love meg a lot in this

#spn #supernatural #destiel #deancas #mine

[neverdoingmuch]

hello! I just wanted to ask, which do you think in the mdzs novel has the most questionable morality? like they have done more bad things but they still had kindness in them somehow (?)

oh!! this is a hard one for me anon! i’m always bad at ranking characters but i’ll do my best!  i’m not sure if you were hoping for like a quick answer or a long one but i’m gonna go with a long one bc that’s always fun and i’ll do a tldr if you don’t want to read through all that? yeah that seems like it’ll work because holy shit i didnt mean for it to get so long (and kind of away from the point of your ask too so sorry about that!)

okay! So, the three main contenders for morally dubious characters are, as far as I’ve seen, Xue Yang, Jin Guangyao, and Wei Wuxian. Not a big surprise, I’m sure. While they’re the more obvious options, they do have a lot of parallels and exhibit a lot of the themes and ideas that MXTX was getting at. I mean, I love looking at Jin Guangyao and Wei Wuxian as foils, and even other combinations of the three, so my answer will probably be heavy on the comparisons. I do think it’s worth touching on Jiang Cheng as well though. Also, I’ll try to stay as unbiased as I can because there’s a few characters on this list that I just don’t like … like at all.

Jiang Cheng tends to get brushed over a lot when it comes to some of the horrible things he’s done. From promising to protect Wei Wuxian from dogs only to immediately use them as a threat whenever he wants to to leading a siege on a group of people he knows are completely innocent of any crimes to torturing and killing people for thirteen years, he’s definitely not a good person. His concerns lie first and foremost with himself and his. That doesn’t seem like a horrible thing at first – he should owe his loyalty to himself, his family, and his sect – but it does mean that when the Xuanwu’s cave situation happened, his response was to get mad that Wei Wuxian helped Jin Zixuan and Lan Wangji. (And that’s why Jiang Fengmian got mad at him!). Later on, when pressure comes from the sects regarding Wei Wuxian, Jiang Cheng chooses not to stand with him, which, while understandable, isn’t exactly a kind move to someone who called Jiang Cheng his family and was trying to repay the debt the two of them owed Wen Qing. There’s no denying that he does care about Wei Wuxian, but when forced to make hard choices, he picks what’s easiest for himself. In general, I’d say that his sense of morality is selfish and somewhat flighty, but not necessarily questionable, so I’ll move on!

For the usual suspects, I’ll start with Xue Yang because I’m just going to immediately eliminate him from the running. I’ve seen people interpret his character sympathetically or try to justify some of his actions or the way he turned out, but I honestly just can’t. While you could feel sympathetic towards him because of his childhood, we have Wei Wuxian as a direct contrast to Xue Yang, as well as, to a certain degree, Jin Guangyao. Both Xue Yang and Wei Wuxian were street kids who had a horrible time in their youth, but Wei Wuxian was able to leave that behind him. That’s a lot easier to do when you’ve been adopted into a major sect and afforded comforts above your station (and also have terrible coping mechanisms), but even Jin Guangyao’s revenge isn’t quite as wide-spread and malicious. I know it may seem a bit obvious, anon, but some people really do try and treat Xue Yang like he’s morally dubious which confuses me a lot because how?? Even if we do say that he has suitable cause, one of the messages of the novel is that your past experiences don’t justify your future actions, so even within the context of the novel – a novel which is concerned with highlighting the grey areas of morality – Xue Yang isn’t afforded any sympathy. So, there’s really no way to construe him in a positive light. His only moments of kindness come with his time spent in Yi City with Xiao Xingchen, where Xue Yang doesn’t change much – he may have cared for Xiao Xingchen, but Xue Yang still tortured him as he did so. I never quite read that arc as Xue Yang learning to care or being allowed to be kind again so I’d just say that he lacks both morals and kindness. On that basis we can boot him from this competition. 

Jin Guangyao may have been one of the antagonists of the novel, but he wasn't a completely bad person or like The Worst. His main crimes involved getting revenge for slights against him or his mother – being from Nie Mingjue, Jin Guangshan, or any number of other cultivators. I think that, to an extent, his actions are justifiable. While you can contrast this to the way Wei Wuxian gets called a servant's son, they do differ in the fact that Wei Wuxian is afforded a higher level of protection due to him being favoured by Jiang Fengmian. Additionally, when Wei Wuxian does have his birth used against him, he's usually the person who acted out first anyway. Jin Guangyao was insulted for doing little more than exist and was never the person to act out first, yet still faced a near constant onslaught of insults. I'm not saying his actions were justified by any means, but the reasoning behind his actions is sound. The one thing I will note is that he doesn't let go of his grudges – even when everything is all done and dusted and he has everything that he could possibly want from life, he still holds onto that hatred. I remember seeing a post where someone mentioned that characters who were able to move on and change for the better were able to get their happy ending in MDZS, which isn't relevant here but definitely applies to Jin Guangyao when thinking about why he got the ending he did. I don't agree with the degree to which he enacted his revenge against certain characters and I loathe the whole Qin Su situation. I don't care how much he cries about it, he could've at least told her, but I mainly just pretend that part didn't exist. So, he has suitable cause for at least some of his actions, and his other victims can just be classified as necessary collateral rather than being intentional innocent targets, if that makes sense, but he's definitely vindictive and spiteful.

On the other hand, he did a lot of good, too. He's a side character for the most part so Jin Guangyao didn't get the most screen-time, but we do hear of some of the good things he's done. The main example would probably be the watchtowers. One of the interesting things about Jin Guangyao and Wei Wuxian is that while both of them are capable of kindness, the breadth and scope of Jin Guangyao's is much broader – the watchtowers are an idea that not only showcase how Jin Guangyao's upbringing allows him to see flaws in the cultivation world that the other privileged cultivators can't, but also show how he does care about the people. I've seen a few people try and play it as a spying technique but I don’t really believe that in the slightest. I mean, the point of the towers is to cover the areas where the sects aren't, so I have no idea what Jin Guangyao's people would even be spying on. Anyway, setting up those watchtowers really didn't benefit him any specific way – unless you consider him endearing himself to Lan Xichen and garnering a good reputation with the common folk something that outweighs the absolute nightmare it would have been to make the sects participate in the project to begin with. In a more specific case, Jin Ling's dog was given to him by Jin Guangyao. It's interesting that, despite Jin Ling spending the novel being trailed by Jiang Cheng, the gift that he obviously cares for deeply is from Jin Guangyao. In the Guanyin Temple scene I definitely got the sense that Jin Ling had loved and trusted Jin Guangyao before the truth came out so I'm firmly convinced that he would've been a wonderful and conscientious uncle to him and just generally good to the people who worked for him and/or the commoners.

Okay, now Wei Wuxian!! As far as I've seen, people are relatively good at staying true to his questionable sense of morality. Like with Jin Guangyao, we know that he can be vindictive and pretty excessive when it comes to getting his revenge, but I'm not going to deny that I was definitely rooting for him when he went after Wen Chao and his little gang. The main issue with Wei Wuxian is probably the demonic cultivation – the stigma against it tends to get reduced to it being bad for the user and their temperament etc. etc., but there's more to it than that. I'm no expert on Daoism by any means, but from my understanding desecration of corpses and disturbing the dead is a significant cultural taboo. This isn't just Wei Wuxian doing something no one else can do (though it certainly is true), it's also him doing something no one else should do. I've seen the massacre at Nightless City being added as another tally to his list of crimes, but I honestly think that that isn’t a crime worth adding – he needed to defend himself so he did, simple as that. 

As I mentioned above, Wei Wuxian's kindness is a bit more specific – where Jin Guangyao cares for the people, Wei Wuxian cares for individuals. We see his kindness more clearly, be it because he's the main character or be it because actions are clearer and stronger when it's for a single person or a small group. It's a bit easier, in my opinion, to care about people when you don't have to live with them and face them every day, but Wei Wuxian does. Even though Wei Wuxian led a lot more comfortable life than Jin Guangyao, we never really see Jin Guangyao get his hands dirty in the same way Wei Wuxian does. When a sacrifice needs to be made, Wei Wuxian’s the one who makes it. He doesn't relegate, he does it himself. We know that he would do absolutely anything for those he cares about and that's why he's able to commit a lot of the atrocities he does.

When it comes to deciding between Jin Guangyao and Wei Wuxian for most questionable morality, I think we need to look at the reasons behind their actions. Wei Wuxian’s sense of morality is definitely nowhere near that of the Lans but he has always been driven by his sense of justice and his love for those around him. In that sense, I've always read him as having a flexible sense of morality rather than a questionable one. I'm not sure how much of it ties in with his sense of duty, but it's definitely a lot. Wei Wuxian is, and always will, fill the role that is required of him – be it the childish and sweet younger brother, the talented but flippant older brother, the monster that wins the war, or the fierce protector that gives his all, Wei Wuxian will twist himself into whatever position he's needed in at that moment. Obviously, he went after Wen Chao for his own benefit, and the corrupting influence of the resentful energy does need to be factored into this, but at his core, Wei Wuxian will always value his duty (to his sect, family, friends, and innocents) and doing what is right over anything else. He may have stumbled along the way, but he did manage to form his own path to uphold all the values that he wanted to. Jin Guangyao, on the other hand, is similar to Jiang Cheng in how he's driven by his own motivations for betterment and revenge, albeit with more grace and intelligence. Jin Guangyao may masquerade as being motivated by any number of causes but he will never do anything at his own risk, and he will always be his top priority. So, while it's a close call between Wei Wuxian and Jin Guangyao, I'm going to have to go with Jin Guangyao on this one!

tldr; the fandom favourites for questionable morality are xy, jgy, and wwx so i mainly looked at them. I included jc as well but neither xy or jc demonstrate the dichotomy needed so they got eliminated from the running. Jgy and wwx both commit and are willing to commit horrible crimes as well as being capable of caring for others and being kind. but, where wwx is driven by his sense of justice and love for others, jgy is driven by his own motivations for betterment and revenge, making for a more questionable morality (as compared to wwx's more flexible morality).

#mdzs #mdzs text #mdzs meta #dfgrgt i was like hm but what if this post isnt good enough to tag as meta #modao zushi #wei wuxian #jin guangyao #xue yang #jiang cheng #grandmaster of demonic cultivation #asks #legal talks #i figured that since i wasnt giving a very interesting answer i might as well throw in some discussion too #i hope this answers your question anon!! #thanks for asking me i had a lot of fun answering this #in case you couldnt tell from the uhh 2k i wrote #Anonymous #but if you want to send any more asks please do!! i love discussing things like this

[seamistan]

if it is not selfish of me to ask, i would like pregnancy headcanons and also parenting headcanons bc i’m SCREAMING 🥺

SO this took about 2/3 days to think and plan out and I even got really excited and even did research efjknefjkfsdnkbsdf

this ended up being more about the actual pregnancy BUT I will totally write more specific to Parents!seamista if anyone wanted me to  🥺

(Putting this under a read more because it’s long as hell snfldfnk)

Okay so from where I last left off in this post, Salineas is now expecting an unexpected heir! 

At this point, It’s like I wanna say around ~2/3ish months into everything since I assume she would have found out at around 5 weeks, so they’re at the very end of the first trimester (12 weeks) anyway, Mermista is still nauseous as all hell but for whatever reason I don’t think she’s not going into full vomiting territory and again, big suffering. However, at this point Sea Hawk has taken a leave from adventuring to be there with his girl to support her in whatever she needs- including helping out with some royal duties. Now normally, Mermista would never ever trust him with this level of responsibility but at certain points she just feels so shitty and tired there is literally no other choice but to give the responsibility to someone who’s not her. So sometimes Sea Hawk settles some disputes between citizens and opens a few rebuilt buildings, and attends princess council meetings with Mermista on the other side of one of bow’s tablets. (unrelated, but I found out that the theorized cause of morning sickness would be the body’s reaction to Hcg and since Sea Hawk is (assumed) fully etherian and mermista is like, not I would think she’d have a more adverse reaction to it asjdbjaddansd but again, she’s not like violently throwing up -I think because of her connection to her runestone protecting her from it being as bad as it could be)  

Also, Mermista gets real bad mood swings early into the whole endeavor (they eventually go away when the nausea does). Poor Sea Hawk even temporarily stops singing shanties to keep her spirits from dampening. Upon realizing that she made him stop singing she bursts into tears, only to later be soothed by a shanty about how lovely her hair is. Go Figure. To cope with the mood swings, Sea Hawk suggests she pick up knitting again since she loved it so much whenever she first tried it. She’d dropped it whenever the war with Horde prime began since it was so hard to find yarn and to care about generally anything else other than the impending doom. So, mermista picks up knitting again, and holy shit,,, she loves it. Something about just checking out for a while and just concentrating on every stitch and being able to make something beautiful is just. everything she wanted. So throughout the entire 9 months she’s just dropping off random baby blankets, clothes, socks, even a little knitted Sea-Ra doll and a knit Dragon’s Daughter replica into the basket she keeps next to their bed. She even attempts to knit Sea Hawk a bandanna for shits and giggles but he ends up loving it and wears it around Salineas despite the sweltering heat of the summer. Towards the end of it, she gets really complex and knits some beautiful little sweaters that whenever Sea Hawk shows them off to everyone (swift wind and bow) they kind of shyly ask if they can have one. And that’s how the Best Friend squad ends up with matching sweaters.

So in my last post I kinda just said that the doctors/midwife/etc equivalent was the sorcerers on Mystacor and you know what? I stand by that lmao. Anyway so either they have to go up to Mystacor every week or they have a sorcerer come to live in Salineas for the whole pregnancy, either way they use ~magic~ to basically do an ultrasound (again, I literally cannot decide if there’s doctors on etheria??? I don’t know but this is what I’m going with) So anyway. Both of them collectively lose their minds and completely ugly cry whenever they both see the child ™  for the first time, but then evemtually Mermista kinda accepts it and is (mostly) okay whenever they see the baby, but Sea Hawk cries every. Single. Time. It kinda drives Mermista a little mad but it’s so sweet that she can’t get actually upset.  After all, these appointments and all the little things they do to prepare are what he has to really remember they’re bringing a whole new little life onto Etheria. 

 Something neither of them really expected is the fact that Mermista gets horrible pregnancy brain around 5 months and from then on. It’s never really super debilitating, but for her, and her usual sharp wit and ability to see whatever’s coming next, it gets real annoying real fast. It’s mostly just her forgetting little stuff, like her next appointment with the sorcerer, or when there’s a meeting scheduled, or whenever she has plans with her friends. The worst of it was when it completely slipped her mind that she had a major meeting with the rebuild salineas group and she had to the next week pretending she knew what was going on with all of that. She eventually figures it out, and she and Sea Hawk end up forming a system- the system being that Sea Hawk is with her during all meetings, appointments and important conversation, and he reminds all of the staff when she has a major appointment. However, she still has trouble concentrating and remembering stuff like where she left her trident (next to the bed) and where her earrings went (Sea Hawk actually took those)

Around 7 or 8 months in the princesses (mostly Glimmer’s idea)  throw her a surprise baby shower to not only congratulate her on the baby but to also for the work she had been doing to rebuild and maintain Salineas. They receive so many lovely gifts, but none as lovely as the gift from Sea Hawk himself- He commissioned an absolutely lovely crib decorated with pearls, shells and sea glass and painted with all of Mermista’s favorite Sea Flowers, and little boats with mermaids swimming next to them. And In the middle, in first ones’ writing it read simply “Adventure”. Upon seeing it, Mermista cried for about 20 minutes. and then got upset with him for keeping the shower a secret, realized how sweet it was; then cried again. 

Well into her second trimester, and close to the third, Mermista is still on her feet after recovering from the initial nausea of it all and running around to meetings, appointments, and all over the kingdom. Sea Hawk, while he had been trying his best not to be over-protective of her due to her condition, really couldn’t ignore when Mermista collapses on the way to Sea Elf village. When he discovers so and confronts her about it, she confesses that she knows she had been absolutely overdoing it for weeks now, but really really wanted to prove that she could still do all of her princess duties. Not really for anyone else, the war had pretty much proved to everyone how capable she is, but  mostly for herself. Sea Hawk has a long talk with her that he hopes she knows how capable she is, how brave and wonderful and a fantastic leader she has been; but taking care of herself and their child has to come first. Grudgingly, Mermista tells him she had a hard time admitting to herself overdoing it for her meant overdoing it for both of them. They agree that Sea Hawk would become her proxy once again.

Whenever she has to deliver, Sea Hawk is the picture of support. No shanties, drama or anything but pure warmth and empathy. He’s stoic and calm and attentive to everything going on. Mermista actually ends up being the one in (mild) hysterics suddenly completely realizing again that she’s going to be a mother and crying and freaking out about it. It takes Sea Hawk looking sternly into her eyes and reminding her that she’s literally the coolest and most wonderful person ever and also is the great and mighty Sea-Ra. Nothing could keep her absolutely being fantastic at this too. Wasn’t this the most epic adventure they’d ever go on? 

and here’s some one sentence hc’s I couldn’t figure out how to fit in here sdjkjksdn;

-They don’t find out the sex beforehand they want to be surprised

- Whenever Mermista goes into her knitting habit, Sea Hawk picks up sewing again, as he had when he was younger and sews toys and clothing for the little one, while Mermista knits. between the two of them, the baby’s wardrobe is almost completely handmade. 

- When the due date gets close, Sea Hawk is literally walking on air. Cheery, excited absolutely lovestruck and exhilirated to be so close to being a father. 

- In the delivery room, before her freak out, she quietly asks sea hawk if he could tell her some stories of his escapades to distract her whenever the pain gets to be too much to bear. He obliges, and recalls their first time meeting, their first battle together, and loads of other sweet stories that almost drive her to tears again (god, she’s so excited to not cry every 2 minutes)

- Spinnerella and Netossa, and even Micah give their baby some hand me down toys and clothing. It’s the sweetest gesture. 

safbjkbsdfkbjsdf this is so long if you read all the way down here thank you so much 

#tw tokophobia #tw emetophobia #just to make sure! #myhcs #asks #caliibee #seamista

[okayeojin]

loona as older brothers

➢ 💌; fluff

n/a: this got me so confused! bc i didn't know whether I should have used he/him or she/her pronouns TT i settled for using female pronouns, but you get the thrill, this is loona as older brothers

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。• ..・。.・゜✭・. ° • .

heejin

I think we can all agree that she would be the typical brother that all your friends would have a crush on, at least once

she would have fun walking around shirtless, especially whenever your friends were around

she would be so flirty with everyone you brought home

but just to annoy you, let's be honest

she would love to tease you and drive you mad, just to enjoy and laugh at your reaction

like, every little thing she did, it was just to see how mad you would get

she wouldn't show it, but she would be very very jealous and protective with you

if any of her friends ever made a comment about you, you would probably never see that guy ever again in your house

in case someone bothered you at school, she would be so ready to square up

she would very rarely say out loud that she loved you but she seriously did. a lot too

hyunjin

you two would fight a lot

for every little thing, one would get mad at the other, leading to your mom punishing the both of you

like, whenever people commented about how the two of you looked so much alike, you would get very offended, debating on who was the better looking sibling

I can stress this enough but she would utilize every single opportunity to prank you or annoy you

she would blame you for stuff she did just to get you in troubles

however, she would always be there for your big events

like, idk, your graduation ceremony, and so on

you too, if she had a football or basketball play (whatever sport you see her playing if she was a male teenager lmao) you would be there to cheer her up

you wouldn't be very used to showing affection, neither of you

and every time you were forced to take a picture together, anyone would easily be able to read the pain in both your expressions

haseul

the protective big brother

she would be quite a few years older than you and she would be the one who taught you most of the things you knew

you had always seen her as your hero

she would be the person you cared the most about, and the one you would rely on for anything

ever since you were little, she would always buy you stuff, whether it be sweets or toys

and even as you were older, she would care for you, watch over you and give you all the affection she could give

she would be soooo jealous the first time you brought a significant other home, even though you had warned her before, since you cared a lot about her opinion

she would help you with your homework, give you advice and teach you new things

ngl, people who didn't know you, would often thing you were a couple, considering how close you two were

she would be very openly affectionate too, and sometimes you were the one embarassed by her display of affection

yeojin

honestly it's hard for me to imagine her as an older brother but here we go ig

she would often pretend to be annoyed by you

like, if you wanted to play with her, she would shove you aside and do her own thing

but at the same time, she would crave your company

and slowly creep into your room to ask what you were doing, and if you weren't busy, she would ask to go play out with her

let's say she would be very protective and love you a lot, but would be way too shy to show it

whenever your friends, or hers, were over, she would stay miles away from you and pretend she didn't have time for her little sibling

although she would act like she didn't care, she would always give you some advice and ask if you needed her help in anything

she would also ask you every day how your day was and if someone was bothering you at school

if so, she would confront that person and stand up for you, but she probably wouldn't tell you about it

she would love you a lot, and she would treasure every memory with you, like all the pictures you drew for her when you were little

vivi

she would be perfect in case you needed an advice

she wouldn't be invasive and ask you about your private life, the people you were seeing or dating and what you were doing in your free time

like, she would be very worried about you and constantly making sure you were okay but she wouldn't want to invade your privacy

to her, it wouldn't matter at which time you called her, because she would always answer

she would be so reliable and always there for her little sibling

and so supportive of everything you did!

she almost looked like your dad and you would be lowkey embarassed but deep down you were so glad she was the way she was

you wouldn't change your brother for anyone else in the world and you would make sure to let her know that

she would be very goofy, sometimes even more than you, despite you being the younger one

some people would think you were the old one

kim lip

she would be the chill and cool brother everyone would love

like the type of older brother who would help you do things your parents said no to

you wanted to get your ears pierced but you mom wouldn't let you? she would take you to get them done

she wouldn't be careless or anything, she would always help you make the right choices, just with a little bit of fun

super supportive of anything you do, really!!

if you ever felt down about anything, she would be your biggest hypeman and your number 1 fan

she also would buy you a lot of gifts, and she would remember your favorite place to eat and take you there a lot

she would also spoil you a lot, i feel like

i think, when you were younger, you two would fight quite a bit but things changed when you grew up

jinsoul

definitely the older brother who would embarass you anywhere you go

but not in a mean way, like, she would support you very loudly at every one of your events

loudly cheering you up like there was no tomorrow

definetely the couple of siblings that would often be mistaken for a couple

she would always love to spend time with you, even if sometimes you wouldn't really want to spend time with your older brother

like, let's say you wanted to go out with your friends, she would be pouty claiming that "you didn't love you brother at all" and didn’t spend enough time with her

she would always prepare something for you for your birthday

she wouldn't tease you like some other members would, but instead she would protect and care for you a lot, even too much sometimes

yep, very clingy and affectionate

but you knew you could always rely on her if you needed any help in literally anything. literally the best older brother

choerry

always there for you

so let's say she wouldn't be much older, but like you would have only a year difference sorry she's my age so i cant imagine her too old but u can if u want

the fact that you would be almost the same age, meant that you grew up together and therefore you would share a lot of secrets and trust each other a whole lot

if you or her failed a test or an exam, you would tell each other and keep it a secret from your parents

if one of you had to sneak out, the other would help and distract your parents

you two would literally be partners in crime, and it would be hard for people to believe you two were siblings and not just friends

you two would barely fight, and if you did, it wouldn't be for major things

when one of you got their first partner, you would make a promise together that siblings came first and all that

you would never want to break that beautiful relationship you had with your brother

i feel like she would be such a supportive and helpful brother, who would play with you and help you with homework (even if sometimes she wouldn't even know what she was doing)

she would also proudly show you off to her friends, claiming you were the coolest sibling ever, but if one of them were to put their eyes on you, she would be ready to snap

yves

i think for her, things would be different when you were young compared to when you grew up

when you were little, she would think you were an hassle to look after whenever your parents weren't home

let’s say, to her it seemed like you were wasting her time just to play with you, and every time you went into her room she would get annoyed

but you loved her nonetheless

and she would finally reciprocate your love once you grew up (even tho she loved you before too)

if you aksed her for a car ride to go somewhere, she would do it,, after asking where the hell you intended to go and with who

she would get really protective with you once you started going out on your own and taking your friends (and your dates) home

she would be protective but not so much that you would fight about it

like yes, she often worried about simple things, but you appreciated the fact that she did and that she would always be there to help you and be by your side

also let's say that your friends, almost everyone, would have a crush on her at least once and that would make you jealous, and knowing that it did, she would make fun of you a lot, saying that you would always be her favorite person

chuu

do we all agree that she would be the type of child who would constantly beg their parents for a little brother or a little sister?

like she would want a little sibling and someone to look after so much that she wouldn't care if you were a boy or a girl

also i feel like she would put you in danger without intending to

for example, she would want to pick you up even if she wasn't strong enough to do so,, and maybe almost dropped you once or twice

once you grew up, she would still have a soft spot for you and everything you did 

you were her little sibling after all

as a brother, she would protect you from anything literally, even if you didn't need her help

and even if sometimes she would embarass you in front of others

you wouldn't be able to stay mad at her tho ):

to other people, she would look like the younger one, and even if she wasn't, you would also take care of her as if she was

gowon

definitely the awkward type of older brother

what I mean by that, is that she probably wouldn’t show her love for you quite often you’ve seen that phone call between her and her actual brother right? 

and those rare moments where she was affectionate towards you (or at least, tried to be) would be very cringy

like, it would be embarassing for both of you to hug each other ngl

not to mention that whenever one of you showed affection, the other would tease them to no end

also she would question your love lmao

“I love you!” “okay what do you need from me this time?” “can’t I just say I love you?!” “yeah... sure”

but overall you two would be such a cute couple of siblings,, and both really good looking

like, her friends would get crushes on you, and your friends on her and that would make both of you quite jealous and possessive

despite her lack of showing affection, she would love you a lot

olivia hye

all of your friends’ first crush

she wouldn’t be interested in them at all tho, but she liked the idea that you were mad that they would drool at the mere sight of her

as a brother, she would be so annoying

she would constantly think about new ways of getting in your way and making you angry, lke pulling childish pranks on you

she would hide your stuff or, worst, use your stuff, ruining it

you would costantly be at each other’s throat, fighting as if you were still 5 five years old

you would be your parents’ worst nightmare

in a way, she would be similar to hyunjin, she wouldn’t let you live in peace not even for five minutes lmao

however tho, she would definitely have a soft spot for her little sibling, and she would secretely square up with those people who bothered you at school 

she would never admit that she deeply cared about you, but it would be clear because of how she would blush and smile whenever you told her you loved her

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。• ..・。.・゜✭・. ° • .

masterlist:°•☆

#heejin #hyunjin #haseul #yeojin #vivi #kim lip #jinsoul #choerry #yves #chuu #gowon #olivia hye #loona #loona soft hours #loona scenarios #loona imagines #loona reactions #loona fluff #loona 1/3 #loona 1/3 scenarios #loona 1/3 soft hours #loona 1/3 imagines #odd eye circle #odd eye circle soft hours #odd eye circle scenarios #odd eye circle imagines #yyxy #yyxy scenarios #yyxy soft hours #yyxy imagines

[yandere-daydreams]

I always write down my ideas so that I can send them in when your requests are open, so... can I request the reader pining for Endeavor and trying to get his attention (they have s crush, but they’re still shy about it) seemingly with no success, only to wake up one day tied up next to him. Enji realized everything: weren’t you asking for this? Reader is conflicted, bc they’re still attracted to him, but this is insane, it’s not the relationship they wanted, and oh my god this man is a monster

Enji is such an asshole… but he’s a protective asshole, and that’s all I really have to say about that.

Saying you’d had a ‘crush’ on Endeavor would’ve been a major understatement.

You’d been fixated him since you were in highschool, and he was still a rising Hero, finding his footing in the world of agencies and publicizing his ‘rivalry’ with All Might. You owned every key-chain, every figurine, every poster, everything that even mentioned your favorite Pro. When you’d managed to get a job at his agency fresh out of graduation, you’d been ecstatic, convinced that this was the perfect way to give back to the man you loved, the saint who’d convinced you that you didn’t have to be a villain, just because your quirk considered ‘dangerous’.

And, much to your shame, you wanted to catch his attention. To wear something provocative enough, or be so irresistibly innocent that he couldn’t help but corner you in some dark, empty part of his office, confess his feelings, and proceed to use you as his personal source of ‘stress-relief’ until you managed to fuck him out of your system. Not the most honorable way to view a father, divorcee, and a man more than ten years your senior, but you couldn’t help the way you felt. Endeavor was intoxicating to you. And besides, you knew it’d never happen. You’d seen him every day for the past two years, and he still called you by the wrong name, for fuck’s sake.

With that kind of mentality, waking up to a shirtless, muscular red-head should’ve seen like a dream, a blessing, stubble coating his cheeks and scared fingers playing with the ends of your hair. 

You’d never felt more right then you had when imagining yourself in his arms, so why did this situation feel so… wrong.

“(Y/n), are you awake?” His voice was still rough, hoarse with sleep as he sat up, those firey blue eyes never leaving your slowly shifting form. You made an attempt to answer, blinking a few times and opening your mouth, but nothing came out, not before a steady pounding filled your head. You were hungover, obviously, something that made more sense than it should’ve. When you failed to respond, just curling into yourself and letting out a feeble whimper, he only hummed, leaning down to cup your cheek comfortingly. Or, as comfortingly as someone so threatening was capable of. “Don’t push yourself. Just take a deep breath, tell me when you’re ready.”

You shook your head, somewhat confused by his sudden kindness. Endeavor was never mean, not to his employees, but he wasn’t so sickeningly patient, either. “Todoroki, sir, how did I-”

“Enji,” He interrupted, sighing when your frown only deepened. “You’re wearing my shirt, in my bed, after riding my dick until you passed out on my chest. Call me Enji.”

“Whatever,” You huffed, instinctually uncomfortable. You took a moment to push yourself up, using the headboard for support as ‘Enji’ reached out, pulling you into his side and keeping an arm around your waist. You wanted to lean into him, to melt into the embrace of your idol, but as much as you tried, you couldn’t. This wasn’t how you imagined your ‘confession’ happening. This wasn’t how you wanted it to happen. “Uh… Enji, I think I should go soon. I’m sorry, but I don’t remember how I got here, and this is just so weird… I want to go home.”

His response was blunt, as steadfast as it was resolute. “No.”

You narrowed your eyes, glaring at your knees, fighting the temptation to pull your knees into your chest. “That’s not your ca-”

“You don’t get to make those choices for yourself, anymore,” He explained, nonchalantly. The was a hint of anger, like you’d told him you’d forgotten a pen, rather than told him you just wanted to leave. “I’ve had to watch you prance around in those revealing, slutty outfits since the day I hired you, winking and licking your lips and inviting anyone who comes along to bend you over the nearest desk and fuck you. It’s like you don’t even care that some villains going to take you up on that offer, one day.” As he spoke, the venom in his voice only built-up, practically dripping from his lips by the time he paused for air. You attempted to pull away, but a strong hand just clamped down around your hip, pulling you into his lap so effortlessly, you’d think he was just repositioning a rag-doll. It was only then that you noticed the weight around your ankle, light but present, all the same. You didn’t dare to glance down, hoping it was just a trick of your imagination. “You’re lucky I thought to track your phone. What if someone else had seen you, stumbling around and clinging onto anything you could reach?”

“Wait, I was so drunk I couldn’t stand, and you still thought it was alright to fuck me? What the hell?!” You didn’t care how much noise you made, much less that his hands were starting to heat-up, the warmth seeping into your skin. Your hands were on his chest before you could stop yourself, clawing and shoving as you tried to push yourself away, the… the chain on your ankle rattling as you kicked and thrashed. “And you tracked my fucking phone, that’s psychotic! If you don’t let me go, I swear I’ll go to the police! I’ll find another Pro-Hero, I’ll… I’ll call All Might!”

The words barely had time to leave your mouth before you were on the bed, once again, your back flush against the mattress and Enji’s scalding hand around your neck. It burnt, not enough to scar but so teasingly close. All you could do was grit your teeth, watching as Enji fought to control his temper above you. “Do not say his name. Never say his name.” His jaw clenched, and you begrudgingly nodded, some tension leaving his shoulders as you did so. “I’m doing you a favor. This is good, I’m protecting you. It’s not like you haven’t been begging me to.”

“No, this isn’t what I wanted.” Your voice was shaking, now, your vision starting to go blurry with tears. If Enji noticed, he didn’t seem to care, his expression saying neutral as your shoulders began to tremble. “You weren’t supposed to love me back, or kidnap me!”

Enji’s gaze softened, the man letting out a quiet chuckle before he leaned down, kissing your forehead so lightly, you nearly couldn’t feel it. His hand never left your neck, but he lowered himself to your level, resting his head on your chest as he spoke. “That doesn’t matter, this is for the best,” He repeated, and you stopped shifting, the reality of how fucked you were finally hitting you much too late. “You’re not grateful, but you will be. You’ll need to be, by the time I’m done with you.”

Again, you were struck with that same sense of wrongness, that feeling that you hadn’t quite made it to the other side of the uncanny valley, yet. But, you were starting to think you knew why.

You were in love with Endeavor, you were devoted to Endeavor. You’d never bothered with everyone else. He was your hero, and you’d trust him with your life.

But, Enji… Enji had kidnapped you, chained you down, and was now cooing over your muffled sobbing.

Endeavor wasn’t here, and Enji was a monster.

#yandere #yandere x reader #yandere x you #yandere prompt #yandere oneshot #yandere drabble #yandere imagines #yandere scenerio #boku no hero academia #yandere boku no hero academia imagines #boku no hero academia imagines #yandere boku no hero academia #my hero academia imagines #yandere my hero academia #yandere my hero academia imagines #bnha imagines #yandere bnha imagines #yandere bnha #enji x reader #yandere enji #yandere endeavor #yandere endeavor x reader #endeavor x reader #enji todoroki x reader #yandere todoroki #todoroki x reader #yandere enji x reader #yandere todoroki x reader #bnha endeavor #bnha enji

[hamliet]

so i don't see a lot of metas about lan xichen regarding how he feels towards wei wuxian bc he simultaneously ruined but brought joy to his brother's life. personally, i think he hated wei ying after siege + death and all but seeing lan zhan's joy after he came back is what made him tolerate and somewhat understand wei ying. what do you think?

Well... this got long and basically turned into me bleeding all my Lan XiChen and WangXian and Jin GuangYao feels into a meta soooo. Have a very complex answer to a very simple question. 

Basically, I think Lan XiChen has always been patient, fair, and compassionate; that said, Wei WuXian did like kill… thousands at the Nightless City massacre. So honestly, for many years, I can’t blame Lan XiChen for whatever he might have felt towards Wei WuXian. 

Personally, I don’t see evidence that he harbored ill-will or a grudge towards him, especially because he knew his brother loved him. But just because you know a loved one loves someone doesn’t mean you are ready to excuse them. He had little reason to believe Wei WuXian was not some kind of villain, and whether or not he blamed Wei WuXian for what happened to Lan WangJi… I don’t think he did. I think he put the blame on Lan WangJi’s shoulders for making his own choices. 

I think the anger he felt towards Wei WuXian in the GuanYin Temple was more to do with Wei WuXian seeming as if he was mocking Lan WangJi for giving up so much for Wei WuXian–which Wei WuXian wasn’t doing, but Lan XiChen had no way of knowing Wei WuXian didn’t know how Lan WangJi felt about him. After all, even Lan WangJi thought Wei WuXian knew. “Lan WangJi made those choices on his own, but don’t you dare drag him down for them when he’s my good baby brother,” in other words. 

“In his whole life he had been honest and righteous and immaculate—you were the only mistake he made! And you say… And you say you do not know. Young Master Wei, after you returned in your body, how did you pester him and confess to him? Every night… Every night, you had to… And you say you do not know? If you did not know, why did you do such things?”

I also think that by the end, after seeing WangJi find happiness with Wei WuXian, Lan XiChen’s character is such that I can’t see him being anything but welcoming towards him. I also think both Lan WangJi and Wei WuXian offer hope that Lan XiChen will recover eventually even if since the novel is completed we never see it, as Lan WangJi mentioned that he would mention the Jin GuangYao saving Sisi thing to his brother when he visited him in his seclusion. 

With a moment of silence, Lan WangJi replied, “Thus, Jin GuangYao let the woman go.”

Wei WuXian, “It should be the case. I was afraid ZeWu-Jun would go soft on him again, so I didn’t say everything. Even now I still don’t we should tell him.”

Lan WangJi, “If he should ask in the future, I will let him know.”

Because, as the last chapter of the novel shows us, Wei WuXian understands Jin GuangYao perhaps better than anyone in the world at this point. He knows that Jin GuangYao is not the one-note evil villain everyone in the cultivation world views him as, he knows the desperation to be accepted and loved, he knows how human villains are in the end. 

One of the few sitting at the table gloated, “I knew Jin GuangYao had to plummet sooner or later with the things he did! I’ve been waiting for this day for so long, and now he’s finally exposed, hah! One’s deeds will be paid, one way or another—what goes around always comes around!”

Hearing this, Wei WuXian felt quite reminiscent. Both the tone and content of the criticism felt quite familiar, and only the target was changed.

And Lan WangJi knows what it’s like to love someone the world hates, and can thus empathize with Lan XiChen. The entire world hates Jin GuangYao now just like they used to hate Wei WuXian, but it doesn’t matter what Jin GuangYao did–I think it’s quite clear that no matter what, Lan XiChen loved Jin GuangYao unconditionally. While MXTX may not have written it with an intentional romance in mind, there is a deliberate parallel to Lan WangJi and Wei WuXian’s romantic relationship, as well as with the Lans’ father’s romantic love with their mother (it seems like loving murderers hated by society is the true Lan trait). While I think it’s fine to interpret Jin GuangYao and Lan XiChen’s relationship as whichever flavor of love you wish (the parallels lead me to infer it as romantic), but either way it’s definitely love. 

Lan XiChen, too, has basically fallen prey to the same accusations he yelled at Wei WuXian. How could you not have known? And to the same flaw of Lan WangJi, too, of Jiang Cheng, of Wei WuXian: not sharing your heart with the people you love before it is too late. 

Wei WuXian refused to believe he was enough and kept sacrificing and sacrificing to earn his place, never telling Jiang Cheng the truth. Jiang Cheng still as yet hasn’t told Wei WuXian the real reason he lost his golden core was protecting Wei WuXian, because he didn’t want to be seen as weak. Lan WangJi didn’t tell Wei WuXian he loved him and Wei WuXian died convinced he was alone. And now Lan XiChen never told Jin GuangYao he loved him, and he too was forever scrabbling for a place to belong. 

You, on the other hand, ZeWu-Jun, Sect Leader Lan, are as intolerant of me as Nie MingJue—you refuse to spare me even a single breath of life!

I don’t think Jin GuangYao entirely means what he says here. He’s fully aware he’s dying in this instance and that Lan XiChen was tricked into killing him by Nie HuaiSang. That said, I do think this belies a very real fear Jin GuangYao had, a fear that kept him from fully trusting in both of his sworn brothers, an insecurity that he did not deserve to live despite his spiteful need to keep living and living well to prove it. A fear that no one would empathize with him. 

In his last moments, Jin GuangYao saves Lan XiChen’s life. But the point is that the Lan Bad Communication contributed to neither of the people they loved most fully trusting that they were loved. However, I think there’s enough reason to hope that Lan WangJi and Wei WuXian’s relationship, and their relationship with him, will offer him enough hope to emerge from seclusion in the future. That’s what I choose to believe as it fits with the themes, anyways. Every single major plot point in MDZS was solved with empathy, be it literally in the magic technique they use, or empathy as we understand it. Lan WangJi and Wei WuXian are both able to empathize with Lan XiChen, so. I really don’t interpret his ending as an entirely pessimistic one. 

#Anonymous #lan xichen #jin guangyao #wei wuxian #ask hamliet #lan wangji #wangxian #mdzs #mdzs meta #xiyao #xiyao meta #grandmaster of demonic cultivation #founder of diabolism #the untamed

[volantisand]

this just in - MARIANA “ MARI ” REYES has been in wickway for ( MORE THAN, BY NOW ) A MONTH. apparently SHE is a DANCER AT DRIFTWOOD and a CIVILIAN or so HER passport says. so far it’s known that SHE favors JOE AND GO, and resides at WEST PORT. SHE is also said to be LOYAL & CLEVER, but also CALCULATING & GUARDED. at the end of the day, SHE can be described as RED STAINED LIPS, DELICATE HANDS WIPING BLOOD OFF OF DAGGERS AND MISCHIEVOUS SMIRKS FOLLOWING UNDERESTIMATION.

hello again, loves !!! i bring you all the devil reincarnated herself, my baby mariana <33 her pinterest can be found anywhere here !! but it’s kinda messy

𝐁𝐀𝐒𝐈𝐂𝐒 ▸

FULL NAME: MARIANA MERCEDES REYES

NICKNAME(S): MARI

NAME MEANING / PRONUNCIATION: MARIANA MEANING OF THE SEA  OR  BITTER. MERCEDES MEANING MERCIES. REYES MEANING KINGS. ( MA-REE-AH-NAH MER-SEH-DEHS RAY-YES  )

AGE: TWENTY FIVE

DATE OF BIRTH: APRIL 18TH

RANK / TITLE: CIVILIAN, EX-LEADER OF OUTSIDE GANG FROM HER HOMETOWN

OCCUPATION: DANCER AT DRIFTWOOD

HAIR COLOR:  DARK BROWN NEARLY BLACK

EYE COLOR: HAZEL  

𝐈𝐍𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐈𝐎𝐑 ▸

POSITIVE: ATTENTIVE, ARTICULATE, CLEVER, CULTURED, DETERMINED, DRIVEN, INSIGHTFUL, LOYAL, PASSIONATE, PERCEPTIVE, PERFECTIONISTIC, PERSONABLE, SCRUPULOUS, WHIMSICAL

NEGATIVE: BLUNT, DISTRUSTING, HOT HEADED, SOMETIMES IMPULSIVE, GUARDED, METICULOUS, SARCASTIC, STOIC, STUBBORN

𝐅𝐀𝐌𝐈𝐋𝐘 ▸

FATHER: VICTOR REYES ( alive )

MOTHER: LUCIA REYES CASTILLO ( alive )

SIBLINGS: TWO OLDER BROTHERS, AN OLDER SISTER AND A YOUNGER SISTER

CHILDREN: NONE

𝐀𝐅𝐅𝐈𝐋𝐈𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍𝐒 ▸

GANG(S): ANARCHY OF ROSEWICK ( formerly, it remains active ), CURRENTLY NOT AFFILIATED.

MARK: TATTOOED BIRD ON HER RIB CAGE, IT’S ACTUALLY SMALL BUT PIC ANYWHERE HERE and a few smaller little birds, much less detailed, surrounding it

POSITION / RANK: LEADER ( formerly )

WEAPON OF CHOICE: DAGGERS RARELY HAS A GUN.

YEARS AFFILIATED: EIGHT YEARS

𝐇𝐄𝐀𝐃𝐂𝐀𝐍𝐎𝐍𝐒 / 𝐅𝐀𝐂𝐓𝐒 ▸

born and raised in a fictional town called rosewick, she’s one of my past muses that has been adapted to come into wickway <33

she was named after her paternal grandmother. and had a very good relationship with both of her parents. growing up, she was always very in touch with her hispanic culture, adoring everything about her roots and then some. she began dancing before she could even walk properly and fell in love with it instantly. 

she’s also not very tall bc frankly, i’m not either so my muses suffer with me, 5′2 at best.. however, she wears heels nearly twenty four seven. unless, y’know at home, at the beach or... idk working out. 

having been born on the 18th of april, she is an aries. 

“ Fun, free-spirited, and fiercely independent, the Aries woman is a breath of fresh air – a brightly burning candle in human form. Fire is her element, igniting all that she touches with the living spark of life. The Aries personality is creative, passionate, energetic and – at times – domineering and short-tempered. A cardinal sign ruled by the planet Mars, the Ram is great at getting things going, initiating endeavors, and infusing her enthusiasm into everything she does ”

true to herself, and her zodiac sign, mariana is a vixen. a total coquette but dangerous. we’ll get there, though !! first... lil fun fact: dance was a major part of her life, she often won competitions with flying colors and excelled in every routine taught to her.

she was seventeen when she met jacob day, captain of the college’s baseball team. their star pitcher. and eventually, her boyfriend. he was older than her, two years. but he was sweet and romantic. at least, at first. jacob day would prove to be the absolute worst thing to ever happen to her. 

a few months later, he’d become a junkie, paying other kids to take the athletic drug tests for him and eventually - he got abusive. she stuck around because he had never gotten physical, only verbal. and most days he was still the same boy she thought she’d fallen in love with. most days.

he was twenty the night he died and she was eighteen the night she killed him. he’d laid a hand on her a few weeks prior to that wretched night. they were at a party, not unlike high schoolers their age who think they’re grown when they’re absolutely not. they’d gone up to the second floor of the lake house so she could find a bathroom. he grew irritated with the young girl in the bathroom and laid hands on her once again. only this time, her temper got the best of her. he was drunk, rendered a bit slower and a lot taller than her. she was quick and agile and while she tells herself that she hadn’t meant for him to die. deep down, she knows that she did. he had laid lifeless in a pool of his own blood and she had stared, her own once pristine hands stained with the crimson of the very same blood. 

she had acted fast after having realized he was very much dead and washed the blood off of her hands. moments later, she was calling her late uncle’s wife, her lawful aunt and the woman who had taken over the gang her uncle once led. she showed up a while later and the two left the lake house, leaving behind a spotless bathroom and absolutely no evidence of mariana’s crimes.   

she took her under her wing, agreed to protect her under the promise of her joining the gang. mariana sat a few hours later, on eliana’s couch with a fresh small tattoo on her ribcage linking her to the gang. 

it didn’t take long for the leader and her to actually get to know each other, having not had any solid relationship when her uncle was alive. one year later, eliana named mariana her second in command. of course, no one understood why on earth, a girl who had just barely turned nineteen could be given such a high power. not even mariana herself understood it.

two years later, she rose to the throne following eliana’s death. by then, she had been completely molded by the late leader and had been taught everything she could possibly need. and then some. mariana was trained in combat, gang ties, suppliers and how to keep them happy as well as game plans to ensure that anarchy remain at the top. 

the gang loved her, she was an intelligent girl that had lost a lot at a young age. it toughened her up. and the suppliers loved her because... she was never late on a payment.   

when mariana became the leader, she shifted blake dietrich’s position to second in command. it only seemed fair, he was her best friend. her partner in crime and the sole person she absolutely trusted with her life as well as secrets. though, they’ve known each other for a lot longer than before she made him her right hand man. 

they kept the gang upright together. matter of fact, anarchy had never been better since they were in charge. she was young and pretty, looked anything but what she really was. it gave anarchy the upper hand because everyone else knew exactly who their leader was but did not believe it. she was hidden in plain sight without having to hide at all. 

underestimation, often drove her to do better. those who dared to be verbal with their doubts, died. she, herself, was lethal and absolutely ruthless. her middle name, mercedes meaning mercies, was the most ironic thing to have ever happened. she finds it funny and throws it in the faces of others. 

“ the only merciful thing about me is in my name. ”

she and blake have spent a few months maybe even a year, on the run, after having been walking on eggshells in rosewick. as powerful as a gang can be... it’s only as powerful as its weakest member. and because of a slip up on their end, blake and mariana were compromised. of course, she would rather die than snitch on her own kind - though had they snitched, they probably wouldn’t have had to leave their home. mariana packed her bags and even blake’s before grabbing him and all but dragging him out of rosewick.

they spent some time traveling around the states, living their best lives before mari mentioned the island and now... here they are. 

though, with power like mariana’s and blake’s, they’ve fallen under the santoro gang’s radar. they’re being watched with interest, the main goal being that they join them.

𝐖𝐀𝐍𝐓𝐄𝐃 𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐍𝐄𝐂𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍𝐒 ▸

honestly, anything !!

#misplaced.intro #reposting this for all the new babes <333 #hiii !!! and welcome

[blondeblackwidow]

Surefire ( Poe x Queen!OFC x Kylo Ren ) AO3

V. Poe

a/n: chapter five already! next is kylo or amicea, haven’t decided. poe makes some friends and i really throw some canon away because it’s easier for me ok? Bottom quote is from Before the Awakening, and i highly recommend it. I just vaguely reference that part so i decided to include. the damerons speak spanish because i said so and there’s no canon yavin language ok

wc: 1579!

tw: none. poe cries some more bc tbh he needs it

Tags: @treestarrrrrrrr @simonsbluee

Poe Dameron liked to think he was simple. He liked flying, and his ship. His best friends were the pilots in Black Squadron. He liked doing repairs at night, it was more peaceful. It was currently three am and he’s currently burning his hand on his X Wings hot oil.

“Shit!” He yelled and pulled his hand away. He shook it, and BeeBee cooed at his feet in concern. “I’m fine buddy.” 

“You should listen to your droid, commander.” Leia stood a few feet from his X Wing. 

“General.” He ducked under the wing, meeting the elder woman in the clear.

“When is the last time you slept?” The truth was, Poe hadn’t slept since Hosnian, weeks of rumors and whispers and a pair of blue eyes that he saw every time he tried. 

“I’ll sleep when the wars over.” Leia laughed, she saw so much of Shara in him. Shara Bey was a woman who would fix the galaxy with her bare hands if she had too. She would do it on her own, and always had a hard time accepting she didn’t have to. 

A trait that seemed to pass to her son. “War hasn’t officially started, Dameron, get some rest.” He sighed, and crossed his arms across his chest.

“Has there been any word from the Republic.. From Hosnian?” He asked, dancing around the question that he didn’t want the answers to.

“Queen Amicea had her official coronation two weeks ago, and has sent out wedding invitations to all major senators.” Poe’s chest sunk. He wanted to swoop in and save her, to protect her from this monstrous situation she was in, but she was a grown woman, a queen who didn’t need his protection. Or his help, she had made that very clear. “I’m sorry, I know you loved her.” 

He inhaled to protest. They were never officially something, and the mere idea of them could ruin Amicea’s life. 

“There’s no need to defend it, Commander.” She offered a sad smile. “your secret is safe with me.” 

“We were kids, practically.” He sighed. “I don’t know why I’m so shocked, guess I always knew this was coming.”

“I don’t think anyone expects to stare down the person they loved on opposite sides of a battlefield.” Her eyes were so sad, as if she knew the feeling. 

Poe rubbed the back of his neck and stared at his boots. “Get some sleep.” She placed her hand on his shoulder and gave him an apologetic smile, turning and making her exit.

He pulled his comm from his pocket. His hands were shaking, he didn’t know why, it’s not like the call was going to kill him, but here he was, hovering above the communicator buttons. 

He hadn't realized he pressed it when he heard the ringing. 

“Hello?” The gruffy voice on the other line answered.

“Hey pop, it’s me.”

“Poe, I was so worried, I tried to contact you but they said you left Hosnian.” His dad sounded frantic, worried.

“Sorry pop, I, uh .. I don’t know how to say this.” He sighed. “I left Hosnian to join Leia Organa’s resistance.” There was a dead silence for a solid moment, and Poe was expecting the worst, like a child who just got caught sneaking sweets before dinner.

“As soon as I heard about her resistance, I knew it wasn’t long before you joined up.” Kes Dameron considered him a simple man as well, and all he wanted was his son to be safe, and away from the firefight. But Poe was more Bey than Dameron most days. “I don’t like it, but that’s because I don’t want to lose you too.” 

Too. Poe bit his lip, they weren’t the closest father-son set in the galaxy, but they were all each other had left. 

“You won’t pop, the general is trying to keep this away from another great war.” Poe didn’t believe that this would end peacefully and neither did Kes, but it was better to lie for now than face what was coming.

“I hope so, it’s always been my greatest fear, you having to fight the wars we did.” His dad sounded exhausted, not just in a sleep deprived way, but in the way of someone who was running on a short supply of hope. “But you know that.”

“Yeah, I do.” He nodded, even though Kes couldn’t see.

“Get some sleep, Poe.” 

“I don’t need  -” 

“I can hear it in your voice, get some rest mijo.” Poe smiled, the old nickname felt like a warm blanket on a cool Yavin summer night. 

“You too Pop, I’ll call soon.”

“I love you, Poe.”

“Love you too, pop.” 

Poe Dameron had cried more in these past few weeks than he had in his whole life. But when he was done, he finally got some sleep.

He was also a man of routine, so when he finally did wake up from his much needed rest, he walked through his autopilot of a morning. He showered, dressed, and headed for the command center. It was always bustling with life and work to do, it was relaxing, kept his head out of the clouds.

“You’re Poe, right?” He turned, and saw a taller, older man standing next to him. 

“Yeah, and you are?” Poe extended his hand, his face was weary with caution, but he needed friends.

“Friends call me Snap.” He smiled. “I’m gonna be flying under you in Blue Squadron.” 

“Snap Wexley?!” He exclaimed. “Was your mom Norra Wexley?” 

“Yeah.” Snap nodded. “Why’s that?”

“My mom was Shara Bey, they flew together!” Snap’s face lit up, and the command center came to a screeching halt. Those who didn’t know that Poe was Rebellion Royalty, they did now.

“No way, that’s crazy.” Snap’s eyes were happy, and carefree. Poe was laughing and exchanging stories of times their mothers would fly around them as kids, leaving them awestruck. 

Poe left out that he was eight the last time he saw Shara fly, but he was so happy to finally have a friend. 

“Blue Squad is having a bonfire tonight, you should stop by.”

“Sounds like a plan.”

-

“So what’s your full story, why is the son of two legendary rebel fighters just now joining the cause?” The little brunette spoke up from her side of the fire, she was still in her flight suit, just pulled down and tied around the waist. Pava, she said her name was, goes by Jess, he was trying to learn names, but he was always terrible at remembering them.

“I was with the New Republic Starfighter Corps, flew a couple missions, nothing crazy. Didn’t even know this was a thing till like two months ago if I’m honest.” He chuckled and took a drink of the shitty rum floating around the group.

“I heard that you got a diplomatic assignment to pilot some King.” Poe’s eyebrows went to his forehead. So much for confidential. 

“It was a Queen, and yes, I was in charge of transporting her from her planet to Hosnian Prime. I got into a dogfight and was pulled out of my squad for a month.” 

“What planet?” Snap asked, he was sitting on a crate, leaned forward, interested in whatever he was about to say. 

“Adrora.” He shrugged as if talking about it wasn’t ripping him to pieces.

“I heard she’s hot. Did you lay her?” Pava questioned, and all eyes were on him.

His throat felt like it was covered in cement as he swallowed. “Excuse me?”

“Oh please tell me you’ve had the talk, Dameron.” 

“I’ve had the talk I just don’t like the nature of the question.” He defended himself. The answer was yes, but he didn’t need that piece of information floating around a rebel base.

“Before or after she got engaged to the General’s son?” Pava leaned back onto a tree. Poe’s face drained of color.

“To who?” 

“Pava…” Snap began. “Crossing a line.”

“It’s common knowledge in command.” She shrugged. Poe’s world was spinning so fast he felt like he couldn’t even begin to comprehend.

“Because we heard it from her!” Pava rolled her eyes and stood. 

“Well now he knows, save the general one more heartache.” She walked off. 

“I don’t think anyone expects to stare down the person they loved on opposite sides of a battlefield.”

“Don’t worry about it Dameron, she’ll calm down.” 

“Y-yeah, It’s alright.” He looked at Snap, he couldn’t breathe. It explained so much. “I have to make a call.” He stood, setting his bottle down.

“If it’s to that Queen, drop it.” Snap grabbed his arm. “She made her choice.” 

“What choices did she have?” He ran a hand through his hair. “What choices do any of us have..” He mumbled and walked off to his quarters. 

His fingers shook above the button once more, but this time he pressed the power button and put it away.

-

“So you were never scared?”

His father laughed softly. “I didn’t say that. I’m saying that what I was afraid of then isn’t what scares me now.”

“What’re you afraid of now?”

Poe watched his father raise his eyes from the fence and stare up into the dusk sky. The sun had almost slipped behind the gas giant, and in the last moments of daylight everything seemed oddly brighter, more sharply in focus.

“That it was all for nothing,” his father said.

Excerpt From

Star Wars: Before the Awakening

Greg Rucka

#poe dameron #poe dameron x ofc #kylo ren x reader #kylo ren x ofc #kylo ren x original character #poe dameron x original character #poe dameron x oc #ben solo x reader #ben solo x original character

[southboundhq]

MEET NADJA,

FULL NAME › Nadja Nuan Feng AGE › twenty nine GENDER › Cis female (She/Her/Hers) FROM › Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada RESIDENCE › Stagecoach Apartments (Outskirts) OCCUPATION › Bartender at the Coyote’s Howl Bar, Projectionist at the Moonlite Drive-In Theater NOW PLAYING › Lexicon Devil by the Germs

BIOGRAPHY,

trigger warnings: death, murder, gore, sex mention, assault, implied racism, violence, drug mention

▓ ▌now playing : good thing – fine young cannibals

it’s a whirlwind romance, so the journal of nadja’s father would tell of it when her mother finally lets her read it. megan robbie spends her year abroad at tianjin university, hoping to make a new start for her life after the death of her parents. she has no siblings to lean on for support and the once strong childhood and college friendships that had promised permanence and fortitude had failed–crumbling under the weight of complicated grief. megan finds the exchange program that will take her as far away from victoria, bc as possible. northern china connects her somewhat distantly to her mother’s mother, a woman she barely sees in her own features and hardly remembers from her own childhood. megan finds herself falling in love with the coastal metropolis.

guoqiang feng plays guitar and spends his sunny college days reading in the quad. he has long hair and wears oversized sunglasses that megan thinks only he could pull off. they take their first trip during break with some friends down to sanya on hainan island and between the romance of the salty beach air and the hum of anchor beer have the new couple swimming in the saccharine haze of young love. they don’t wait until graduation to get married.

the wedding is a tasteful, small event where everyone remarks on the glow of megan’s soft face, as it shines like the moon–even brighter than the soft cream of her delicate lace dress that floats away from her body in an a-line cut just below the knee. when guoqiang sees her the whole world melts away. in her dark hair, she wears a modern filigree comb and lets her hair cascade over her shoulders in gentle waves. they have never been completely traditional.

no one seems to notice the small changes in megan’s body beneath her bridal garb. it is not long before the wedding that baby nuan grows in her belly–just now the size of a peach pit–kicking with the thunderous force of athena banging around in her father’s head. she is guoqiang’s daughter through and through. when she is born, it is a difficult birth and megan thinks that surely all this pain is worth it. she doesn’t see her baby for hours as she hemorrhages blood and the fundal massage the nurses perform to train her uterus to do what it was engineered to after birth is excruciating. there is nothing she wants more than to be a mother, she thinks, and when she holds nuan in her arms for the first time, she knows she cannot return to work and there is nothing left for her back home in british columbia.

they name the small girl for guoqiang’s feisty mother and megan gives her the english counterpart of nadja and the middle name of her own later mother. in megan’s arms, nuan can never seem to find peace and is quieted only long enough to eat before howling for her father. megan feng cannot understand what she has done wrong, but is comforted by the soft tutting of her husband as he quiets their precocious baby girl, insisting that she is just a fussy child and only seemed preferred him because he was so often at work.

college had worked out well for guoqiang and soon he was working for future tv in tianjin. the train rides home extended his time away as did the occasional afterwork dinner or meeting leaving megan and nadja to themselves for the most part during the week. if distance made the heart grow fonder, time made the heart grow sweeter. megan was full of yearning and though she cherished her time with the fussy, mischievous toddler it soon became not enough. she yearned for stimulating conversation and found herself nose deep in any literature she could get her hands on–eager to discuss the stories with guoqiang as he entered the house late at night with slumped shoulders.

▓ ▌now playing : bela lugosi’s dead – bauhaus

the time comes where guoqiang feng is bestowed with the good fortune of moving up in the company. despite being dead tired everyday, he considers himself lucky even as the dust continues to build on his baby blue fender stratocaster. once relegated to the work week, guoqiang’s long hours continue on long business trips throughout the country. the time apart does not shatter their foundation, but it does take its toll on the young couple. unwilling to let megan and nuan come second to anything, guoqiang makes some important changes.

on most nights, guoqiang starts skipping the afterwork cocktails–coming back home from with a little more energy than before. he starts to plan a family vacation to sanya to revitalize the marriage and get some much needed rest and relaxation. megan takes the news to heart and enthusiastically begins planning their itinerary. there is a new glimmer to the feng household and even nadja seems to be less fussy–toddling around with a smiling face. she takes steps on her own and starts to speak; her first word is ‘cat.’ the fengs get a cat. nadja can hardly remember life in tianjin, but nearly every moment of her childhood includes that cat she cannot name. the gossamer wings of nostalgia obscure so many things.

the fengs are as shocked as the rest of the world when news hits of sarin gas in nagano. it’s a stark juxtaposition when held up against guoqiang’s busy work days in tianjin or megan and nadja playful days in the coastal city of tianjin. the fengs have never been to japan aside from guoqiang’s rare trips to tokyo for business. when guoqiang doesn’t return to his hotel room in tokyo on time from the train to make his night call with his family a year later, it’s the furthest thing in the world from megan’s mind. she’s certain–despite nuan mounting tantrums–that he simply stayed out too late with colleagues following an impromptu dinner. when he never makes it home, megan wonders if she should count herself lucky or unlucky that nadja does not have the words to ask the deeper questions–not yet.

as spring approaches, ushering in the reminders of trips to sanya, megan feng holds nuan firmly in her arms in a dark room. they are all that is left. everything reminds megan of him. guoqiang’s ghost is inescapable and he is present in everything she does. guoqiang’s mother nuan comes to mourn her son, but stays to help a mother and child heal. it’s too much for one woman to carry alone, but despite their grief the two mothers make a go of it together.

▓ ▌now playing : burn – the cure

every grain of sand in bohai bay carries a piece of guoqiang in it. megan cannot breathe in her husband’s shadow and, despite the love she has for her home, she knows it is time to make a new life. the goodbyes are painful, but after she is accepted to study at the university of british columbia she knows that fate has chosen a new path for her. she is blessed to leave with her daughter in tow. the cat with a forgotten name stays with nuan’s nainai in her modest house by the sea. it will be a long time before little nuan looks upon her face again.

nuan starts kindergarten in vancouver, british columbia and struggles behind her classmates. back home she was touted as gifted, if not just a little too busy, but here she feels behind. by elementary school she is taking the bus and walking home to the apartment herself while megan finishes her degree. so many kids struggle with the name nuan, even though it is the simplest thing on her own tongue. she doesn’t get to choose between nuan and nadja; it is a choice made for her by her mother and the rest of the people she comes across. it isn’t perfect, but nadja will look back later upon this time with palpable longing; it’s the only time she remembers feeling happy with her mother because, as she’ll learn in an encroaching reading assignment–nothing gold can stay.

where nadja struggles, megan thrives. majoring in literature, she puts her love of reading to good use. it doesn’t even matter that she has to start seemingly from scratch when all of her credits don’t transfer over. three years into her bachelor’s and she meets professor preston clarke and is immediately enamored by his lecture style. he is, for all intents and purposes, the quintessential cool guy professor. they meet during his office hours and discuss poetry over coffee. the romance doesn’t cross the line until graduate school, when she becomes his teaching assistant. to protect his reputation she drops out of the program and applies for a teaching program instead. megan and nadja move into his tasteful craftsman in english bay. every time preston calls her ‘naddy’ instead of nuan or nadja she bristles; she knows this man has no business playing her father.

▓ ▌now playing : lexicon devil – the germs

as nadja grows so do her problems in school. the letters seem to dance off the page like fall leaves and she is unable to sit still to focus like the other kids. the more nadja struggles, the more megan and preston push her. it only deepens the divide between them. the only balm for her anger is the occasional stretches of the year when nainai visits. it is the only time nadja freely speaks chinese in the household where her mother coddles her monolingual partner. when nainai is there, nadja does not break her toys or rip apart preston’s coffee table books–she runs into the arms of her grandmother and finds the comfort of her father. with grandma feng in the house, the tensions seem to lessen.

there’s an anger in her that is burning, stirring–embers glow now and soon they will be flames. she is talented at finding trouble. she hates her stepfather because he acts like he understands her mother and pretends he understands her. he is holden caulfield. he is jack kerouac. he is a thousand and one tired perspectives. he understands nothing. resentment mounts like bile in her throat and it coats every acrid word she speaks to her mother for choosing a man like him–for choosing that same man every time over everyone and everything else.

it’s the music that nadja channels this anger into. she spends her afternoons skateboarding of messing around on her dad’s old stratocaster. she paints her lips black and clings to anything that turns to corners of her mother’s lips downard in disapproval. nadja tells herself it’s her mother’s choice, this rebellion. it’s the choice she made when she plucked her small daughter from her father’s home and forced her into the hostile canadian soil. in that soil, megan feng becomes meg clarke. she blossoms and grows, building a home in old grief to runaway from new loss. nadja refuses the surname and stands her ground; she will not forfeit her father’s name.

▓ ▌now playing : oh bondage ! up yours ! – xray spex

freshman year brings a new sense of freedom to nadja life. skipping class to smoke cigarettes and crush beer cans under the bridge beats the annoyed sighs of teachers who think ‘nadja feng just doesn’t apply herself.’ when she runs out of cash for smokes or weed at the end of the school day, nadja skates over to the university to bum a few dollars off her stepdad. she’s done it half a dozen times this month alone and there’s nothing to suggest this day will go any differently. as she approaches his office, she zips up the black hoodie she’s altered with dental floss to cover the band shirt beneath as a small act of appeasement.

instead of finding him alone, drinking scotch and contemplating the loneliness his mediocre life affords him, nadja finds him with his hand on the thigh of another bright-eyed literature major–his position as a professor adding an attraction to him that would otherwise go overlooked. she turns sharply on the heel of her black doc martens, storming out to the parking lot to the tenured professor’s coveted parking spot. the silver sedan glistens in the spring sunshine. it’s so close to the anniversary of her father’s death, which has come and gone unmarked yet again in preston clarke’s household. april showers bring may flowers, but in the parking lot it is raining safety glass as she smashes out the windows of the sedan with the trucks of her skateboard. the clarkes have always seemed to be more interested in the status of parenthood rather than the labor love takes. it feels good to break something he loves.

when preston finds out he insists that nainai’s summer visit be cancelled and megan feels pressured to oblige; she has always only wanted harmony between preston and nadja and it seems farther away than ever. the punishment does not serve to temper her into a well-honed tool. nadja anger is a wolf lapping its own blood off the blade of a knife; the meal satiates her, but it is she who is hemorrhaging. she runs away several times before it sticks–never speaking to her mom and stepdad again when she finally manages to get out.

couch surfing with friends and surviving somewhere between traincar and tall boys of steel reserve, she joins a series of moderately popular local punk bands–unable to commit to anything for too long. it builds up her reputation in vancouver’s punk community, however, and soon she has the family she’s always wanted–a large group of friends. nadja casts off her old identity. she is finding her footing in brand new velvet burgundy docs–a kickdown from some drunk girl at a show. they’re a little too big, but with a couple pairs of wool socks, she can hardly tell the difference.

▓ ▌now playing : i love livin’ in the city – fear

by twenty-one, things have picked up for nadja. the girl has split her time between working at smoke shops and alternative cafes long enough to have obtained her ged and now she works the front door at a popular punk bar. at an average heigh tof 5′6″ the fast-talking, loud mouthed runaway has other ways to cut even the tallest men to half her size. her temper gets her into trouble, but her charisma and work ethic keep her employed.

without her parents’ finances, it becomes more and more difficult for nadja to see her grandmother and their visits are relegated predominantly to weekly skype conversations. nainai works with her granddaughter to keep up her mandarin and the girl dreams of returning home and spending the weekdays working in tianjin only to return to the calm beach town where her grandmother still lives in the house she was born in. it seems like a pipe dream, but it is one both women hold onto. it is the only dream either one has left. grandma feng no longer has any reason to speak to her once beloved daughter in law either, but there is no spite. she knows that nadja’s mother cannot bear to have the thorns of guoqiang’s death in her paws for a lifetime. grief is complicated, but better understood by those who’ve lived long enough to see enough of it.

after a few years, nadja becomes lead bartender, but the money just isn’t rolling in. the bar threatens to close and nadja begins taking night classes and setting money away in the hopes that a business degree will legitimize her enough for a business loan so she can buy the place herself. it cements her in bc, but with enough money she could at least afford to bring her grandmother out to see her on occasion. it’s not a homecoming, sure, but perhaps it is a homemaking.

▓ ▌now playing : ever fallen in love – the buzzcocks

like her mother and father before her, nadja falls in love with a boy playing guitar–spitting his own blood on the crowd of the bar like gasoline. kurt is tall and lanky with a padlock securing a chain around his throat. his long, dark hair frames his freckled face so delicately for someone with such an obtrusive frame. it’s not long before the spiteful bartender and the guitarist who lives in his van and calls himself ‘freegan’ to justify dumpster diving cheese pizzas are inseparable. he moves in quickly to her place, more or less because he doesn’t have a stable place to leave his shit when he’s on tour.

it suits her just fine when he’s away playing shows or laying down tracks on a seven inch. the bands slays and kurt and nadja have fun together. they get drunk on forties in train yards and cemeteries. they drive out to the beach and fuck in his van before tagging up the concrete retaining walls of a beachfront housing development. it seems like they might spend the rest of their lives smoking weed and cigarettes on the porch, scarfing down breakfast burritos at three am, and marathoning eighties horror movies like each time is the first time. nadja doesn’t know if she believes in love, but she thinks that maybe this is close enough. her skype calls to grandma feng become spotty in these first few months. it is the thing she will live to regret the most.

nadja becomes lax under the spell of love. coursework does not go unfinished, but she lets kurt hangout sometimes in the bar when she’s closing. eventually, her boss concedes to hire him on as a dishwasher and–though he complains about wanting a better position–he shows up to work most days more or less on time with a fresh cigarette behind his ear and an easy grin. he closes up some nights with nadja or the other bartender–a menacing looking american girl named natasha that bites her nails when she thinks no one is looking and always smells like damp patchouli and sweat.

on a moonless night in december, not long after their one year anniversary, nadja arrives to the community college to see that class is cancelled. excited to return early to the bar and surprise kurt with some burgers and garlic fries, she is crushed to find him in the arms of natasha. the pair are showered in burgers and nadja catches one of them with an empty bottle she isn’t sure she truly means to make contact with. the sound of shattered glass has always been a lullaby to an angry girl.

she’s not even all the way back to her apartment before she gets the call. nadja feng is fucking firedand kurt has given her the blame for the money he’s been skimming from the place on the sly. they’re debating on whether or not to press charges. nadja sells all of kurt’s second-rate band equipment to a pawn shop along with the things that don’t mean enough to carry on her back. she buys a plane ticket to tianjin by way of los angeles that day. with christmas lurking around the corner, it’s the best bang for her buck. nadja leaves her house keys on the empty floor. fuck leases and fuck kurt stevens.

▓ ▌now playing : spellbound – siouxsie and the banshees

the corrosive memories of kurt and natasha’s tryst are far from nadja’s mind as she finishes the skype call with her grandmother giving her the good news. understandably, grandma feng is concerned about the impulsive decision, but she knows her granddaughter well enough. even a girl as rash as a summer forest fire sometimes makes the right choice. they have dreamed of reuniting for so long, it is hard to take the news with anything but a tearful smile. nadja hears it in her voice–it colors every word. for the first time in nadja’s young life she thinks: i’m coming home.

the drive is a long one, but nadja is worried about the possibility of being forced to stay in bc due to assault charges. she can drive down the west coast and breathe in the salty air. she can eat clam strips and throw bread to seagulls in some seaside diner while she watches the tumultuous waves of the oregon coast thrash violently against the rocky shore. maybe it’ll be therapeutic, she thinks, to be one small person along a great, dark sea. a few days more. a few days and she’ll be back in tianjin and maybe she and nainai can get a new cat together. maybe the waves that beat the sands of dongjiang bay beach are softer and kinder than those in the pacific northwest.

it’s a lonely ride down and after three days of reflection and solitude, nadja feels like crawling out of her own skin. it’s too much peace for a girl born of chaos. perhaps it’s self-destruction or maybe it’s idle boredom, but when she sees the young crust punk couple hitchiking on the side of the road, she thinks fuck it, at least it’s something new and pulls over for them. they’re on the way to yuma city and she agrees to drop them off on her way to lax. they seem fine enough. she doesn’t even mind the little blue heeler they have with them, even though she’s a dyed in the wool cat person. the track marks don’t go unnoticed, but it’s nothing new to a veteran of the punk scene and nadja feng can handle anything.

▓ ▌now playing : dead end justice – the runaways

after a day on the road, the trio and their small dog throw down a few bucks to sleep in one of the cabins at a kampground of america. it’s not so bad, but the puppy whines all night and pees on the floor once in the early hours of the morning. nadja lies awake on the top bunk and she can hear the pair talking below her. wes speaking in his dopey voice, hardly whispering and maya shushing him in harsh whispers. nadja eeps her movements to the minimum and her eyes closed after she hears them pause for several moments when she readjusts. she’s certain she can smell maya’s breath for a moment as she hears the bed creak and feels a steely finger in her ribs. keeping her breaths steady, she plays opossum.

it becomes clear to her, once the bed creaks and maya starts talking again that they mean to rip her off. maya even asks wes is he’s ever wondered what it would feel like to kill somebody. nadja’s seen the way he looks at her; he’d die for her. he’d kill for her. boy, have they fucked with the wrong girl, nadja thinks darkly. covers pulled up to her chin. there’s a butterfly knife in her pocket and the shape of it has left an impression on the skin of her thigh. slowly she reaches for it and works to silently unfold it, clutching it to her chest beneath the covers when she’s through. they’re gonna pay. she’s never thought herself a killer, but she’s been a fighter since she was in her mother’s belly. let them try it, she thinks. and they do.

lying in wait, knowing it was coming doesn’t prepare her for what it will truly be like. there’s a fist in her face before she can speak, with the harsh instructions to get up. sucker punched and it’s not even four am yet. helluvah night. the punch stuns her, but she means to be ready. as wes pulls the covers from her bed, she spring on maya like a cat–butterfly knife, formerly a novelty, an aesthetic–arching blood across the cabin walls. maya has to be first, because she’s meanest. the shock will stun wes long enough for her to turn on him even though he’s bigger. somewhere in the darkness, their small dog yelps and paws at the door.

maya is easily overtaken. nadja has the element of surprise and a few inches on her. she wonders what it says about her that she can dispatch a shitty person so easily. it’s not like highlander; she doesn’t gain mystical powers when she sticks maya in the neck with that cheap butterfly knife. all she gets is blood. wes, on the other hand, he’s harder once he realizes his life is on the line. easily, he has half a foot and thirty pounds on her and he gives almost as good as he gets. nadja swallows a molar and take a hit so hard her ears ring, but she doesn’t stop. her whole life has been filled with a rage that she has let out in metered doses. tonight she lets it all out; tonight she knows she can never go back to vancouver, but she can still go home. she doesn’t stop until the dog barks at her loudly to go outside and she wonders if he didn’t trust them either.

they’d named him something stupid, like chaos or dogmeat. he wasn’t a fucking fallout canine companion even if they fancied themselves raiders. heroin and the open road, punk rock and a boxcar–she knows how romantic it all can seem. they probably thought they were mad max or negan. in the end they were just assholes. nadja feng is a cat person, but she can’t just leave this poor dog in the cabin with all that blood. he’s barely more than a puppy. nadja doesn’t know what the fuck to do with a dog, but … he is kind of cute. his blue-grey fur reminds her of an old man’s beard–a little old grandpa–and so the name, while never meant to be permanent, sticks. and so does grandpa, it seems, as he never leaves her side. they’ll have to head east, farther from the scene of the crime and buy a plane ticket from somewhere like phoenix. she chides herself as she wonders how much it costs to ship a dog to tianjin and decides fuck it, it doesn’t really matter. their friendship was baptized in blood, she and the dog belong together.

▓ ▌now playing : there is a light that never goes out – the smiths

the open road at night in the desert has an eerie quality to it and nadja is running from ghosts. phantoms who catch her easiest when she is sleeping, grandpa curled under her arm, in the back seat of her beat up muscle car. she’s never seen a place quiet like this and maybe it’d even be beautiful if she wasn’t alone–lady macbeth on the run. at least the dog’s good company, he doesn’t seem to care what she’s done and long as she feeds him. there’s something kind of nice about the newness of unconditional love.

she doesn’t call her grandmother to tell her about the change in flight plans, not yet anyway. once nainai’s voice sound on the other end, she knows she’ll burst into tears. she doesn’t deserve a grandmother like that, but she knows that an old woman can’t care for herself forever. she can at least give her that. if she can’t give her fat grandchildren and a fancy house on the beach, she can at least be there for her–if only she could find the highway.

driving and coffee, it seems like that’s all she’s known as she focuses on getting to phoenix as fast as possible. inhumanely fast, impossibly fast. it can be an alibi or an escape. there’s no way anyone’s going to believe she was the victim when they see wes’ body. too angry for too long–she’s really fucked it up this time. she doesn’t even google news reports, not wanting to know what might be waiting for her when she finally makes it to the airport and fuck, she can still not find the main highway, but there’s hope in the form of some no horse shithole named boot hill. ahead of schedule from driving like a bat out of hell, maybe she can rest for one night. maybe her demons can’t find her in this place. it’s almost a mirage–the oasis in the desert of cartoon, she thinks. who would ever think to find her in a place like this? the don’t even have a starbucks here, let alone a prison.

before she knows it, it’s been four months. nainai was understanding when she said she’d run into some bad luck and was staying in this small town. she’s just laying low of course, and she promises her grandmother everyday that she’ll be out to phoenix to catch her flight before she knows it. maybe nainai even believes it, because she says ‘my friends in la tell me there was a murder along the freeway there, be careful, sweet girl’ and nadja cringes, because she is not a sweet girl. she’s a killer and a prisoner and only one of those truths is she fully aware of in boot hill.

❝ the only thing i remember from my childhood is when you are scared, make yourself tall. i’m the tallest girl alive. i’m the tallest knife. no throat can hold me. ❞

CENSUS,

FACECLAIM › Chloe Bennet AUTHOR › Lucia

#chloe bennet #rp #rpg #bio rp #semi appless rp #{ all. } #{ local. } #{ f. } #{ over twenty. } #{ lucia. } #death tw #murder tw #violence tw #racism implied tw #assault tw

[sup-hoes-its-me]

With Time III (Tobirama x Reader)

 A/N: hi! So this is the last part. I hope ur ready bc I wasn't when i wrote it! It’s really been wonderful writing for Tobirama even though I may have made him ooc a lot of the time. Have fun with this last chapter guys and thanks so much for reading!

word count: 4775

Part One/Part Two/Part Three

I couldn't walk the same after the incident. My leg needed to be in a brace for the majority of the time, and I had to be extra careful when I moved because my ribs and lungs were still fragile. I hated it. I hated this feeling of being useless to everyone and everything that I worked so hard to protect.

I still worked with the Hokage in his office, giving him advice, listening to his plans and strategies, and signing documents with him from sunup to sundown. It wasn't enough. There were people out there risking their lives while I couldn't so much as go on morning runs anymore.

More than once, I'd cried myself to sleep. I would sit in my apartment and stare down at my leg brace, the bandages wrapped around my waist, and the crutches in the corner, and just sob until my throat stung dry. How could this happen to me?

Part of me wished I could have just died in the line of duty than live on and get sympathetic looks from people I passed in the street. I hated the way my fellow shinobi, those who I considered friends, looked down at me in a way you would a child or the elderly. I despised the shame that filled my heart.

“Y/N, are you even listening to me?” Tobirama sighed as usual, red eyes lifting from his desk to me.

I blinked. “Sorry, Tobi. I was distracted again.” With a frustrated shake of my head, I went back to work on whatever was placed in front of me. A boring c-rank mission report that barely needed to be skimmed. Instead of going in to focus on the mundane  task of signing papers and reading poorly scrawled paragraphs, I felt a warm, calloused hand on the side of my neck. “Is something wrong?”

“I was about to ask you the same thing. You’ve been different recently.”

“I haven’t noticed.”

“It’s been months, Y/N, three whole months and you haven’t been the same.”

My words got caught in the back of my throat and suddenly my secrets were coming crashing around me. As much as I wanted to tell him how I felt, how everything was hurting me and I couldn’t enjoy my life like I did, I wasn’t going to mutter a word. My breath was shallow from shame and my cheeks paled out of simple indignity. My fingers fidgeted around in my lap nervously under his accusing gaze.

It’s a bit much to call him accusing. He was more concerned than anything, worried in a way that said he stayed up long nights with this on his mind. The bags under his eyes didn’t help my own assumptions. And if he were to be losing sleep over me, I would no doubt feel worse. I didn’t need the sympathy of the man I’ve come to admire, the man who despite having been a rival as a child I now saw as an equal.

“Listen, I can’t even begin to express the guilt I feel for-”

“Don’t pity me, Tobirama.”

His eyes widened just a bit before quickly narrowing. He stared at me fiercely, and I tensed under the touch of his hand on my bare skin, heat sinking into my collar and jaw. “I have never once pitied you, Y/N. Not even when the worst has happened to you have I pitied you. I know your strength.”

“Then why are you acting like this? Like you’re plagued with guilt, and you send me these side-eyed looks of sympathy when you think I’m not looking?” I questioned.

He took a deep breath, as if he were building up his patience or courage, I couldn’t be too sure which.

“I haven’t felt right since you got hurt. I’m not too sure how to explain it, but I feel weak. I feel like an idiot for sending you away with only a child as backup. I feel so guilty for not being there to protect you from all of this, because I can see that you’re in so much pain now that you’re crippled. I just-”

“Tobirama. Please. It’s fine.”

“No, it’s not. And I can never forgive myself for what I let happen to you.”

“Shinobi get hurt. Shinobi die in combat every single day,” I countered. He was the Hokage, and he cared about each and every one of his people, so why did he care so much about me, doing exactly as I was paid to do. I expected pain and suffering in this line of work, we all did. It was our sick reality. We trained children barely able to control their chakra to think sacrifice was good. Self-sacrifice is for the well-being of a nation, we were taught.,

His fingers tensed against my skin at the simple words. I watched as his jaw clenched and he turned to glare into my eyes. I no longer feared the fire in those red daggers. His firm voice broke the tense silence.

“You think I don't know that? Of course I know that my shinobi are going to get hurt and die in combat, and I can't do a thing about it. I've accepted that a long time ago,” he paused, sucking air through his teeth. “But it's somehow different with you. I can't accept that you might die one day. I can't accept the fact that it's not my fault you were attacked. I can't accept that it was you.”

I searched his eyes for answers. Something that told me what he was thinking. Only I felt like I was staring into the eyes of a man I barely knew. He looked pained. He looked desperate. Unlike the Tobirama I loved.

“Tobi…”

“Y/N, you keep me from being objective.”

I was completely lost. Lost in his eyes and his words and his frown that just itched to scream out all his troubles. “I don't know what to say. I don't- I can't,” I trailed off.

Softly, I reached up to take his hand, the one pressed against my skin. Then, I dropped it down into my lap, covering his hardened knuckles with both of my palms. My fingertips danced along his skin like feathers, but it was soothing. This feeling, of his skin against mine, it brought me back down to Earth if only for now.

Quietly, I said, “I'm sorry I've distracted you from your work. It's more important, I know that. I never meant to-”

“That's the problem. I'm beginning to believe you're more important than any of this.”

“Tobirama. Please don't say those kinds of things. You know you don't mean them. I'm your assistant, not your family...not your lover.” Deep breaths.

“I know that. That's why this is such a problem. I don't understand why I'm confusing my priorities, and seeing you here doesn't help,” the man groaned, shutting his eyes and grimacing. His hand squeezing mine.

“I'm sorry if my presence hurts you, Hokage-sama.”

“You know I didn't mean it in that way, Hatake.”

“I know. I just think you need to work out whatever is on your mind. You can't be stuck in the middle like this. It's only holding you back,” I said firmly, catching his gaze. “Just remember, your destiny lies with this village. You will have a great legacy, Tobi, but you have to be careful.”

But Hashirama would have said something else. Anyone who knew the pair well enough could have seen it. Tobirama's destiny was not with the village, it was something much less abstract, less broad and disconnected. Konoha was his eldest brother's child, Hashirama's destiny, and eventually his fate.

As much as I tried to avoid it, the inevitable crushing defeat of it all, Tobirama was the one I'd become completely entranced by. I needed him as much as I needed water and air. He was my destiny.

And I could only pray he could find it in himself to forget about me, this strange relationship we had between friends and lovers. It was dangerous, and I hoped he would make the right choice.

__________________

Tobirama chose his destiny, the one I wished against.

He couldn't keep himself from doing otherwise. He could have done what he thought was wise. What was best for the entire village, but he didn't. He must not have been thinking when he marched up the stairs of my apartment building in the middle of the night.

I lay in my bed, a book in my hand and a cup of long gone cold tea on my bedside table. The room was silent save for the loud gushes of wind to slam against the windows every few minutes or so. I stopped crying before I slept about a month before, and instead took to staring at the ceiling or rereading the pages of a novel mindlessly for hours. What else was there to do when sleep wasn't an option?

But a knock on my door was definitely unexpected. It had to have been around midnight or so when I heard that distinct series of four rapping knuckles against wood.

I stood, brushing down my old t-shirt, ignoring the way my hair stuck up in all random directions. When I opened the door, I was met with a fully dressed, fully awake Tobirama. He was much taller than me, especially when I slouched like this. I straightened up a bit and ran a quick hand through my hair to brush it out of my face and behind my ear.

“Tobi, is there something you needed that couldn’t possibly wait until tomorrow?” I asked, and the irritation was clear in my tone. I rested on hand on the doorknob while the other pressed into my hip, waiting impatiently for a response. I cared for the man dearly, but I wasn’t one to enjoy being woken up in the middle of the night for something insignificant.

“I could have waited until the morning if not for this terrible pain in my chest.”

“Are you okay?” My eyes searched his form for any sign of injury, but saw nothing. He didn’t look like he was in any pain, nor did he stand any different than usual. I reached out carefully and took his wrist in my small hand, pulling him into the apartment. I hoped to God that no one was watching the Hokage sneak into some woman’s apartment in the middle of the night. The scandals that would arise…

He sighed, shutting the door softly behind him, the click of the lock bringing me comfort. We were alone. I don’t know why, but that thought brought me peace and anxiety all bundled into one ridiculous package. I wanted to spend time with him, but not like this. It felt awkward, to put it simply.

I motioned for him to take a seat on the edge of my little bed, one of the few pieces of furniture I actually owned. As he scanned over the room and the walls, his brows furrowed into a knot. “After all this time, you still haven’t bought furniture?”

“I never thought it was important. Plus, I don’t get paid enough to afford those things.”

He shook his head, mumbling under his breath, “That’s absurd. If you needed more money, you could have simply asked me for a raise-”

“Tobirama, what are you here for really? You’ve somehow changed the subject,” I said plainly, looking down at his moonlit features in the darkness of my one room apartment. The only light was what came from between the drapes in my window, yet the moon was particularly bright tonight. I could see every detail of his strongly built face, structured jaw and stern irises.

He looked up at me for a second before turning his head down once again. This man was never one to back down from a fight, but today he seemed nervous. He seemed fragile in the way he averted his gaze and sat with his shoulders slumped forward unlike their straightly broad sort of way. Tobirama seemed distressed and worried; if only he would speak so that I could help him.

Still, I continued when he said nothing. “You said that you have a terrible pain in your chest? I asked if you were alright, and I’m not sure I fully believe you.”

“I can’t hide much from you, Y/N. I fear you know me too well.” He glanced up at me with a new goal in his eyes. I couldn’t understand what it meant, that gleam that suddenly appeared, but I knew it was far too important to interrupt. “We need to discuss what’s going on between us.”

And it was as if time has stopped. The fear that remained dormant in my chest was now pumping viciously through my veins. I felt my cheeks pale, running cold in a moment, and my hands start to clam up.

What was I supposed to say? How do you reply when someone wants to have a talk about your nonexistent intimate relations? My mind ran circles around all the excuses and pleas that I could use.

I whispered, broken at the edges, “I wasn’t aware there was anything between us.” Lies, of course. We both knew it.

“You’ve known for as long as I have-longer than that, I’m sure. You’re not an idiot, Y/N.”

“I don’t know what you want me to say,” I said, just as soft as before.

He leaned back, letting out a low exhale. His eyes rolled to the ceiling, as if he were raking through his mind for the right thing to say. He probably was. The Hokage never knew what to say in these sorts of situations. He was socially awkward, so oblivious at times that it hurt.

“I’m not sure what to say either. Just something. Anything to make this pain stop. It’s keeping me from my work, and it’s making me dependent on you.”

“You’re always thinking about me?”

“Yes, and it’s a problem.”

“I’m not sure what I could do to ease your troubles. I could never speak to you again, and you would be forced to forget me,” I suggested, although I would never do anything of the sort. It would leave me even more pathetic and incapacitated than I am now. I peered down at him, my eyes glimmering with the beginnings of tears, happy or sad, I wasn’t sure.. “But I’m not sure I could live like that for long, Tobirama.”

He shook his head. “I don’t want you to do that. I need you by my side. Haven’t I expressed that before?” So difficult, this stupid man. He wasn’t making any of this easier on me. “I don’t even know why I came here, especially at this time of night. I’m a fool for thinking this was something I could do.”

So fucking defeated. That’s the only way I can describe the sound of his voice as his coarse, frustrated words dripped from his lips out into the open. I took a deep breath, gulping down the terror I felt. I prayed he couldn’t see how terrified I was because I’m sure I looked pathetic. Nothing like a brave kunoichi, a veteran to the cause.

“Want me to tell you I love you?” I muttered in a voice so quiet I could have mistaken it for just another thought. And then, I held my breath.

He didn’t reply right away. He was silent, contemplative really. And I was at his mercy.

“Y/N, I-”

“It’s fine. You don’t need to say anything. Just know that I will always, unconditionally feel that way for you,” I confessed, suddenly not feeling as terrible. I knew he couldn’t just say something like that back. He wasn’t the type of man to just blurt out those intimate details on a whim. “You’ve been my best friend since you gave me those shuriken as a teenager, and I hope nothing brings us apart.”

“I hope for all the same things. I will protect you, if it’s the last thing that I do.”

“Tobirama…”

He tore down my soft voice with his own firm one. He glared up at me, snatching up my hands in his rough ones. He held them tightly to his chest, bringing the two of us only inches apart. “No, Y/N. No. Family is more important than anything, and after losing Hashirama- I don’t think I could handle life without you, too.”

He was so genuine in his words, and I had to bite my lip to keep from crying. Instead, I brought myself into his lap, climbing over top of him so my knees were on either side of his thighs. I kept our hands tightly clasped to my chest, but now I could feel the rise and fall of his breathing against me. I could see the specks of brown and gold in his crimson eyes. I could feel wisps of his white hair along my cheeks and forehead.

I pressed my face into his neck and sighed. This was as domestic as life would ever get, and it was the least I could do but to savour it with every one of my senses. To smell the musk on his skin, feel the warmth of his soul beneath me, listen to his harsh breaths. I absorbed every bit of this moment.

He released my hands so he could wrap his thick arms around my waist, tugging me to his abdomen. His nose found itself buried deep into my hair, soft sniffs taking in the scent of my shampoo. He always said I smelled like coconuts.

“Thank you.”

_____________________________

The day was long and terribly worrisome. Although I had busied myself with many tasks, nothing could stop the random tugs at my heart every time my mind shifted to my best friend who doubled as my strangely acquainted lover. I had waited for hours, on the couch at Tobirama’s house just for him to arrive home. I wanted to surprise him with a nice dinner and a few drinks of sake after completing the latest mission, one that seemed much harder than the last few. It was against the Kumogakure, who Konoha had been on the rocks with recently.

When one of Tobirama’s students, Uchiha Kagami stood in the doorway instead, I knew something terrible had happened. His deep black eyes stared over my shoulder so grimly, unable to meet my eyes. He was ashamed. I could feel it radiating from his form. I could feel many things from people, but this boy screamed pain, sorrow, and shame.

“What’s happened, Kagami-san?” I asked him calmly, even though I felt my stomach doing somersaults. “Where is Tobirama?”

“We were surrounded by Kinkaku’s Squad, and they had the upper hand. Lord Second, he…”

“Well?”

“I’m so sorry, Hatake-san,” he croaked, his voice finally cracking under the pressure. He looked into my eyes, the tears now rising up in the corners, sparkling in the candlelight illuminating the room. I shifted on my crutch, staring up at him with desperation in my eyes. I wanted him to say something else, anything other than the obvious. “He volunteered to act as a decoy so we could escape. I’m so sorry.”

My lips started to quiver. I couldn't come up with anything to really say. I could only muster out a pathetically miserable, “please no.” My knees suddenly felt very weak beneath me, and I was only really being held up by my crutch. My fingers tightly wrapped around the handle and squeezed so tightly it stung, and could have bruised.

But nothing mattered.

The tears that threatened to fall pooled up heavily in my eyes, and I hissed when the salty bits stung. “No. No. Please, God, no. Please don't.”

I pleaded and begged, my hand pressed to my mouth to muffle the cries. It was becoming harder and harder to breath. My head spun, dizzy and disoriented.

It felt like my entire life had been torn down in a single second. Every single thing I had ever built up was suddenly being crushed into the ground into thousands of irreparable pieces.

Tears streamed down my face thickly, hot and steady without signs of stopping. I didn’t know when I could stop crying. Nothing could have prepared me for the death of someone I loved more than life itself. Tobirama was the only person I had left in this damn world, and now I was alone. I was completely and utterly lost in this cruel world, crippled and sick and tired and heartbroken beyond fixing.

Kagami took a step forward and extended his arms, as if I needed to hug him. The only person I wanted to hold in my arms was Tobirama, and he was the one causing all this pain. It’s disturbing how misery works out that way. I shoved the boy back with all the strength my weak, broken soul could muster. He stumbled away from the threshold just enough for me to slam the door in his face.

Maybe that was rude and harsh and terribly uncalled for, but this death; fate didn’t need to torture me this way. To steal the one thing I held precious. Fate stole my legs from me, stole my mobility, stole my livelihood...and now it had forcibly taken the love of my life from my hands. The last thing that brought me any happiness.

I broke down on the floor right in front of the door, sliding down the wood frame and collapsing in a heap of shakes and quivers. I bent down so close that my forehead pressed to the hardwood, tears and slobber pooling on the ground beneath me. I grabbed at my hair and yanked it, trying to feel something other than this shockwave to my heart.

But nothing was going to help. The only thing I could do for now was scream and cry until I fell asleep, and even then, my dreams were not empty. They were plagued with him. Images of him constantly swirled in my mind. I woke up in cold sweats screaming or sobbing.

And I wasn’t the only one hurt by this. My ninkin couldn’t stand to see me this way. They knew me as a strong woman, one who could face death without flinching. Now, I was just a broken shell of the woman I used to be. I lost my father and mother, my brother Hashirama, and my best friend. It was only now that I was completely hollow to the core.

_________________________

“Hiruzen, did you get the final exam paperwork I dropped off earlier?” I asked, peeking my head into the Hokage's office where he sat over a stack of stark white papers. The man, one in which I watched grow into the great leader he was today, smiled and waved me into the room.

He peered over the sheet in his hand and hummed. “Impressive test results, Y/N. I have to say, you might be the most effective teacher at the academy.”

I nodded proudly, leaning on the wall to keep myself steady. I still had trouble keeping myself balanced at times, and I had pains shoot up my thighs randomly at times from the lasting impact the jinjuriki had on my muscles, but I no longer needed the crutch.

After Tobirama died, I left my position as Hokage's advisor. Instead I went to work at the academy where Tobirama dedicated much of his time and effort into creating. I didn't have to fight nor did I have to move around much on my feet. It was only simple stationary jutsu and chakra control, which I was still exceptional at.

Hiruzen was more than happy to have me help around. He was just glad I wasn't torn to shreds to the point where I could do nothing but stay inside.

“Thank you. That means a lot, really.”

“You're looking well? Is the medicine Tsunade made for you helping?”

“Yes! I swear that girl is miracle worker,” I laughed. The blond who grew up to be one of the most outstanding medical nin alive, produced a pain killer for me and it worked better than I'd ever dreamed. “I'm glad she picked up the medical practice. We really needed a good doctor in this village.”

“I heard you once tried to train with her?”

“Yeah. I figured it would be good to acquire another skill I could use without my full mobility. Turns out being a med nin is way harder than I thought,” I told him. “Props to Tsunade and the other nurses, honestly.”

Just as Hiruzen was about to say something else, the door behind me slid open and hurried little footsteps rushed into the room.

“Mom?” The soft, boyish voice rang out. “Kagami told me you were in here.”

I turned around, peering over at my 12 year old son, standing in the doorway shyly. He was a sweet boy, one of the kindest I'd ever met. It was the way I raised him, I suppose, and that made me proud.

He had dark eyes and gray hair that spiked in all directions. It was the natural way of the Hatake clan. He was tall, almost as tall as me even though he was just a child. He stood tall and proud, ready to impress. My son was a talented ninja, gifted even.

I worried he picked up some of my clumsiness or even my mediocre abilities, but it was quite the opposite. He was stunning much like his father. He moved with grace yet so much strength. He was reserved, but when he spoke it was never foolish.

“Sakumo, sweetheart, did you need something?”

“Yeah, actually. I wanted to know if I could go to dinner with Rei and Shikari?” He asked. I only nodded, rolling my eyes. He loved to spend his time with his friends, particularly a Nara and an Uchiha.

“Be back home before eleven, okay?”

He smiled triumphantly, even though I rarely told him no. He was such a good kid, I normally trusted him “Of course, Mom. Thanks.” My sweet boy ran from the room, waving to us on the way out.

I turned back to the Hokage sheepishly. “Sorry about that.”

“It's fine, Y/N. I actually enjoy seeing the child. It's like Lord Second is still with us in him.”

“Yeah. You're telling me.”

“He would have made a good father, I think.”

I laughed, rolling my eyes to the ground. I felt a pang in my chest. Yeah, I would have loved if Tobirama lived long enough to help me raise our son, to teach him all his talents and pass down the title of Hokage even.

“I think he would have been a disastrous father. Loving, yes, but he would have been so confused and lost. He never knew what to do with children.”

“Yes, but a father has a special connection with his own son, his own blood.”

“One day I know they will meet. And Tobi will be so proud of him.”

“I think he'll be proud of you the most, Y/N.” I hated when people told me stuff like that. When they mentioned how Tobirama and I used to be. When they made me fall in love with him all over again. I hated missing him every time they spoke in his memory.

I blinked back tears in my eyes and averted my gaze to the door. “That's more than enough, Hiruzen. Maybe we can talk about this some other time. Just not right now, yeah?”

“Of course. I hope you have a great rest of your day,” he nodded, wishing me the best of luck as I exited his classroom. And as I walked the empty hall, I swallowed my sorrow.

With time, I would see him again. The wait would always be worth it, as long as he remained in my heart. That's because Tobirama would always be unique. He was my first love and my last.

And that's the end! Did you like this kind of writing or hate it? Give me some feedback if you want and have a really nice day!

#naruto #naruto x reader #tobirama #tobirama x reader #one shot #writing #naruto shippuden #mine #with time #part three #thanks so much for reading till the end you guys #i love you

[southboundhqarchive]

MEET KIMBERLY,

FULL NAME › Kimberly Qianyi Feng AGE › twenty eight GENDER › Cis female (She/Her/Hers) FROM › Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada RESIDENCE › Stagecoach Apartments (Outskirts) OCCUPATION › Bartender at the Coyote’s Howl Bar, Projectionist at the Moonlite Drive-In Theater NOW PLAYING › Can You Fake It? by Bread and Water

BIOGRAPHY,

trigger warnings: death, murder, gore, sex mention, assault, implied racism, violence, drug mention

▓ ▌NOW PLAYING : GOOD THING – FINE YOUNG CANNIBALS

it’s a whirlwind romance, so the journal of kimberly’s father would tell of it when her mother finally lets her read it. megan robbie spends her year abroad at tianjin university, hoping to make a new start for her life after the death of her parents. she has no siblings to lean on for support and the once strong childhood and college friendships that had promised permanence and fortitude had failed–crumbling under the weight of complicated grief. megan finds the exchange program that will take her as far away from victoria, bc as possible. northern china connects her somewhat distantly to her mother’s mother, a woman she barely sees in her own features and hardly remembers from her own childhood. megan finds herself falling in love with the coastal metropolis.

guoqiang feng plays guitar and spends his sunny college days reading in the quad. he has long hair and wears oversized sunglasses that megan thinks only he could pull off. they take their first trip during break with some friends down to sanya on hainan island and between the romance of the salty beach air and the hum of anchor beer have the new couple swimming in the saccharine haze of young love. they don’t wait until graduation to get married.

the wedding is a tasteful, small event where everyone remarks on the glow of megan’s soft face, as it shines like the moon–even brighter than the soft cream of her delicate lace dress that floats away from her body in an a-line cut just below the knee. when guoqiang sees her the whole world melts away. in her dark hair, she wears a modern filigree comb and lets her hair cascade over her shoulders in gentle waves. they have never been completely traditional.

no one seems to notice the small changes in megan’s body beneath her bridal garb. it is not long before the wedding that baby qianyi grows in her belly–just now the size of a peach pit–kicking with the thunderous force of athena banging around in her father’s head. she is guoqiang’s daughter through and through. when she is born, it is a difficult birth and megan thinks that surely all this pain is worth it. she doesn’t see her baby for hours as she hemorrhages blood and the fundal massage the nurses perform to train her uterus to do what it was engineered to after birth is excruciating. there is nothing she wants more than to be a mother, she thinks, and when she holds qianyi in her arms for the first time, she knows she cannot return to work and there is nothing left for her back home in british columbia.

they name the small girl for guoqiang’s feisty mother and megan gives her the english counterpart of kimberly and the middle name of her own later mother. in megan’s arms, qianyi can never seem to find peace and is quieted only long enough to eat before howling for her father. megan feng cannot understand what she has done wrong, but is comforted by the soft tutting of her husband as he quiets their precocious baby girl, insisting that she is just a fussy child and only seemed preferred him because he was so often at work.

college had worked out well for guoqiang and soon he was working for future tv in tianjin. the train rides home extended his time away as did the occasional afterwork dinner or meeting leaving megan and kimberly to themselves for the most part during the week. if distance made the heart grow fonder, time made the heart grow sweeter. megan was full of yearning and though she cherished her time with the fussy, mischievous toddler it soon became not enough. she yearned for stimulating conversation and found herself nose deep in any literature she could get her hands on–eager to discuss the stories with guoqiang as he entered the house late at night with slumped shoulders.

▓ ▌NOW PLAYING : BELA LUGOSI’S DEAD – BAUHAUS

the time comes where guoqiang feng is bestowed with the good fortune of moving up in the company. despite being dead tired everyday, he considers himself lucky even as the dust continues to build on his baby blue fender stratocaster. once relegated to the work week, guoqiang’s long hours continue on long business trips throughout the country. the time apart does not shatter their foundation, but it does take its toll on the young couple. unwilling to let megan and qianyi come second to anything, guoqiang makes some important changes.

on most nights, guoqiang starts skipping the afterwork cocktails–coming back home from with a little more energy than before. he starts to plan a family vacation to sanya to revitalize the marriage and get some much needed rest and relaxation. megan takes the news to heart and enthusiastically begins planning their itinerary. there is a new glimmer to the feng household and even kimberly seems to be less fussy–toddling around with a smiling face. she takes steps on her own and starts to speak; her first word is ‘cat.’ the fengs get a cat. kimberly can hardly remember life in tianjin, but nearly every moment of her childhood includes that cat she cannot name. the gossamer wings of nostalgia obscure so many things.

the fengs are as shocked as the rest of the world when news hits of sarin gas in nagano. it’s a stark juxtaposition when held up against guoqiang’s busy work days in tianjin or megan and kimberly playful days in the coastal city of tianjin. the fengs have never been to japan aside from guoqiang’s rare trips to tokyo for business. when guoqiang doesn’t return to his hotel room in tokyo on time from the train to make his night call with his family a year later, it’s the furthest thing in the world from megan’s mind. she’s certain–despite qianyi mounting tantrums–that he simply stayed out too late with colleagues following an impromptu dinner. when he never makes it home, megan wonders if she should count herself lucky or unlucky that kimberly does not have the words to ask the deeper questions–not yet.

as spring approaches, ushering in the reminders of trips to sanya, megan feng holds qianyi firmly in her arms in a dark room. they are all that is left. everything reminds megan of him. guoqiang’s ghost is inescapable and he is present in everything she does. guoqiang’s mother qianyi comes to mourn her son, but stays to help a mother and child heal. it’s too much for one woman to carry alone, but despite their grief the two mothers make a go of it together.

▓ ▌NOW PLAYING : BURN – THE CURE

every grain of sand in bohai bay carries a piece of guoqiang in it. megan cannot breathe in her husband’s shadow and, despite the love she has for her home, she knows it is time to make a new life. the goodbyes are painful, but after she is accepted to study at the university of british columbia she knows that fate has chosen a new path for her. she is blessed to leave with her daughter in tow. the cat with a forgotten name stays with qianyi’s nainai in her modest house by the sea. it will be a long time before little qianyi looks upon her face again.

qianyi starts kindergarten in vancouver, british columbia and struggles behind her classmates. back home she was touted as gifted, if not just a little too busy, but here she feels behind. by elementary school she is taking the bus and walking home to the apartment herself while megan finishes her degree. so many kids struggle with the name qianyi, even though it is the simplest thing on her own tongue. she doesn’t get to choose between qianyi and kimberly; it is a choice made for her by her mother and the rest of the people she comes across. it isn’t perfect, but kimberly will look back later upon this time with palpable longing; it’s the only time she remembers feeling happy with her mother because, as she’ll learn in an encroaching reading assignment–nothing gold can stay.

where kimberly struggles, megan thrives. majoring in literature, she puts her love of reading to good use. it doesn’t even matter that she has to start seemingly from scratch when all of her credits don’t transfer over. three years into her bachelor’s and she meets professor preston clarke and is immediately enamored by his lecture style. he is, for all intents and purposes, the quintessential cool guy professor. they meet during his office hours and discuss poetry over coffee. the romance doesn’t cross the line until graduate school, when she becomes his teaching assistant. to protect his reputation she drops out of the program and applies for a teaching program instead. megan and kimberly move into his tasteful craftsman in english bay. everytime preston calls her ‘kimmie’ instead of qianyi she bristles; she knows this man has no business playing her father.

▓ ▌NOW PLAYING : LEXICON DEVIL – THE GERMS

as kimberly grows so do her problems in school. the letters seem to dance off the page like fall leaves and she is unable to sit still to focus like the other kids. the more kimberly struggles, the more megan and preston push her. it only deepens the divide between them. the only balm for her anger is the occasional stretches of the year when nainai visits. it is the only time kimberly freely speaks chinese in the household where her mother coddles her monolingual partner. when nainai is there, kimberly does not break her toys or rip apart preston’s coffee table books–she runs into the arms of her grandmother and finds the comfort of her father. with grandma feng in the house, the tensions seem to lessen.

there’s an anger in her that is burning, stirring–embers glow now and soon they will be flames. she is talented at finding trouble. she hates her stepfather because he acts like he understands her mother and pretends he understands her. he is holden caulfield. he is jack kerouac. he is a thousand and one tired perspectives. he understands nothing. resentment mounts like bile in her throat and it coats every acrid word she speaks to her mother for choosing a man like him–for choosing that same man every time over everyone and everything else.

it’s the music that kimberly channels this anger into. she spends her afternoons skateboarding of messing around on her dad’s old stratocaster. she paints her lips black and clings to anything that turns to corners of her mother’s lips downard in disapproval. kimberly tells herself it’s her mother’s choice, this rebellion. it’s the choice she made when she plucked her small daughter from her father’s home and forced her into the hostile canadian soil. in that soil, megan feng becomes meg clarke. she blossoms and grows, building a home in old grief to runaway from new loss. kimberly refuses the surname and stands her ground; she will not forfeit her father’s name.

▓ ▌NOW PLAYING : OH BONDAGE ! UP YOURS ! – XRAY SPEX

freshman year brings a new sense of freedom to kimberly life. skipping class to smoke cigarettes and crush beer cans under the bridge beats the annoyed sighs of teachers who think ‘kimberly feng just doesn’t apply herself.’ when she runs out of cash for smokes or weed at the end of the school day, kimberly skates over to the university to bum a few dollars off her stepdad. she’s done it half a dozen times this month alone and there’s nothing to suggest this day will go any differently. as she approaches his office, she zips up the black hoodie she’s altered with dental floss to cover the band shirt beneath as a small act of appeasement.

instead of finding him alone, drinking scotch and contemplating the loneliness his mediocre life affords him, kimberly finds him with his hand on the thigh of another bright-eyed literature major–his position as a professor adding an attraction to him that would otherwise go overlooked. she turns sharply on the heel of her black doc martens, storming out to the parking lot to the tenured professor’s coveted parking spot. the silver sedan glistens in the spring sunshine. it’s so close to the anniversary of her father’s death, which has come and gone unmarked yet again in preston clarke’s household. april showers bring may flowers, but in the parking lot it is raining safety glass as she smashes out the windows of the sedan with the trucks of her skateboard. the clarkes have always seemed to be more interested in the status of parenthood rather than the labor love takes. it feels good to break something he loves.

when preston finds out he insists that nainai’s summer visit be cancelled and megan feels pressured to oblige; she has always only wanted harmony between preston and kimberly and it seems farther away than ever. the punishment does not serve to temper her into a well-honed tool. kimberly anger is a wolf lapping its own blood off the blade of a knife; the meal satiates her, but it is she who is hemorrhaging. she runs away several times before it sticks–never speaking to her mom and stepdad again when she finally manages to get out.

couch surfing with friends and surviving somewhere between traincar and tall boys of steel reserve, she joins a series of moderately popular local punk bands–unable to commit to anything for too long. it builds up her reputation in vancouver’s punk community, however, and soon she has the family she’s always wanted–a large group of friends. kimberly casts off her old identity. she is finding her footing in brand new velvet burgundy docs–a kickdown from some drunk girl at a show. they’re a little too big, but with a couple pairs of wool socks, she can hardly tell the difference.

▓ ▌NOW PLAYING : I LOVE LIVIN’ IN THE CITY – FEAR

by twenty-one, things have picked up for kimberly. the girl has split her time between working at smoke shops and alternative cafes long enough to have obtained her ged and now she works the front door at a popular punk bar. at an average heigh tof 5′6″ the fast-talking, loud mouthed runaway has other ways to cut even the tallest men to half her size. her temper gets her into trouble, but her charisma and work ethic keep her employed.

without her parents’ finances, it becomes more and more difficult for kimberly to see her grandmother and their visits are relegated predominantly to weekly skype conversations. nainai works with her granddaughter to keep up her mandarin and the girl dreams of returning home and spending the weekdays working in tianjin only to return to the calm beach town where her grandmother still lives in the house she was born in. it seems like a pipe dream, but it is one both women hold onto. it is the only dream either one has left. grandma feng no longer has any reason to speak to her once beloved daughter in law either, but there is no spite. she knows that kimberly’s mother cannot bear to have the thorns of guoqiang’s death in her paws for a lifetime. grief is complicated, but better understood by those who’ve lived long enough to see enough of it.

after a few years, kimberly becomes lead bartender, but the money just isn’t rolling in. the bar threatens to close and kimberly begins taking night classes and setting money away in the hopes that a business degree will legitimize her enough for a business loan so she can buy the place herself. it cements her in bc, but with enough money she could at least afford to bring her grandmother out to see her on occasion. it’s not a homecoming, sure, but perhaps it is a homemaking.

▓ ▌NOW PLAYING : EVER FALLEN IN LOVE – THE BUZZCOCKS

like her mother and father before her, kimberly falls in love with a boy playing guitar–spitting his own blood on the crowd of the bar like gasoline. kurt is tall and lanky with a padlock securing a chain around his throat. his long, dark hair frames his freckled face so delicately for someone with such an obtrusive frame. it’s not long before the spiteful bartender and the guitarist who lives in his van and calls himself ‘freegan’ to justify dumpster diving cheese pizzas are inseparable. he moves in quickly to her place, more or less because he doesn’t have a stable place to leave his shit when he’s on tour.

it suits her just fine when he’s away playing shows or laying down tracks on a seven inch. the bands slays and kurt and kimberly have fun together. they get drunk on forties in train yards and cemeteries. they drive out to the beach and fuck in his van before tagging up the concrete retaining walls of a beachfront housing development. it seems like they might spend the rest of their lives smoking weed and cigarettes on the porch, scarfing down breakfast burritos at three am, and marathoning eighties horror movies like each time is the first time. kimberly doesn’t know if she believes in love, but she thinks that maybe this is close enough. her skype calls to grandma feng become spotty in these first few months. it is the thing she will live to regret the most.

kimberly becomes lax under the spell of love. coursework does not go unfinished, but she lets kurt hangout sometimes in the bar when she’s closing. eventually, her boss concedes to hire him on as a dishwasher and–though he complains about wanting a better position–he shows up to work most days more or less on time with a fresh cigarette behind his ear and an easy grin. he closes up some nights with kimberly or the other bartender–a menacing looking american girl named natasha that bites her nails when she thinks no one is looking and always smells like damp patchouli and sweat.

on a moonless night in december, not long after their one year anniversary, kimberly arrives to the community college to see that class is cancelled. excited to return early to the bar and surprise kurt with some burgers and garlic fries, she is crushed to find him in the arms of natasha. the pair are showered in burgers and kimberly catches one of them with an empty bottle she isn’t sure she truly means to make contact with. the sound of shattered glass has always been a lullaby to an angry girl.

she’s not even all the way back to her apartment before she gets the call. kimberly feng is fucking firedand kurt has given her the blame for the money he’s been skimming from the place on the sly. they’re debating on whether or not to press charges. kimberly sells all of kurt’s second-rate band equipment to a pawn shop along with the things that don’t mean enough to carry on her back. she buys a plane ticket to tianjin by way of los angeles that day. with christmas lurking around the corner, it’s the best bang for her buck. kimberly leaves her house keys on the empty floor. fuck leases and fuck kurt stevens.

▓ ▌NOW PLAYING : SPELLBOUND – SIOUXSIE AND THE BANSHEES

the corrosive memories of kurt and natasha’s tryst are far from kimberly’s mind as she finishes the skype call with her grandmother giving her the good news. understandably, grandma feng is concerned about the impulsive decision, but she knows her granddaughter well enough. even a girl as rash as a summer forest fire sometimes makes the right choice. they have dreamed of reuniting for so long, it is hard to take the news with anything but a tearful smile. kimberly hears it in her voice–it colors every word. for the first time in kimberly’s young life she thinks: i’m coming home.

the drive is a long one, but kimberly is worried about the possibility of being forced to stay in bc due to assault charges. she can drive down the west coast and breathe in the salty air. she can eat clam strips and throw bread to seagulls in some seaside diner while she watches the tumultuous waves of the oregon coast thrash violently against the rocky shore. maybe it’ll be therapeutic, she thinks, to be one small person along a great, dark sea. a few days more. a few days and she’ll be back in tianjin and maybe she and nainai can get a new cat together. maybe the waves that beat the sands of dongjiang bay beach are softer and kinder than those in the pacific northwest.

it’s a lonely ride down and after three days of reflection and solitude, kimberly feels like crawling out of her own skin. it’s too much peace for a girl born of chaos. perhaps it’s self-destruction or maybe it’s idle boredom, but when she sees the young crust punk couple hitchiking on the side of the road, she thinksfuck it, at least it’s something new and pulls over for them. they’re on the way to yuma city and she agrees to drop them off on her way to lax. they seem fine enough. she doesn’t even mind the little blue heeler they have with them, even though she’s a dyed in the wool cat person. the track marks don’t go unnoticed, but it’s nothing new to a veteran of the punk scene and kimberly feng can handle anything.

▓ ▌NOW PLAYING : DEAD END JUSTICE – THE RUNAWAYS

after a day on the road, the trio and their small dog throw down a few bucks to sleep in one of the cabins at a kampground of america. it’s not so bad, but the puppy whines all night and pees on the floor once in the early hours of the morning. kim lies awake on the top bunk and she can hear the pair talking below her. wes speaking in his dopey voice, hardly whispering and maya shushing him in harsh whispers. kimberly keeps her movements to the minimum and her eyes closed after she hears them pause for several moments when she readjusts. she’s certain she can smell maya’s breath for a moment as she hears the bed creak and feels a steely finger in her ribs. keeping her breaths steady, she plays opossum.

it becomes clear to her, once the bed creaks and maya starts talking again that they mean to rip her off. maya even asks wes is he’s ever wondered what it would feel like to kill somebody. kim’s seen the way he looks at her; he’d die for her. he’d kill for her. boy, have they fucked with the wrong girl, kim thinks darkly. covers pulled up to her chin. there’s a butterfly knife in her pocket and the shape of it has left an impression on the skin of her thigh. slowly she reaches for it and works to silently unfold it, clutching it to her chest beneath the covers when she’s through. they’re gonna pay. she’s never thought herself a killer, but she’s been a fighter since she was in her mother’s belly. let them try it, she thinks. and they do.

lying in wait, knowing it was coming doesn’t prepare her for what it will truly be like. there’s a fist in her face before she can speak, with the harsh instructions to get up. sucker punched and it’s not even four am yet. helluvah night. the punch stuns her, but she means to be ready. as wes pulls the covers from her bed, she spring on maya like a cat–butterfly knife, formerly a novelty, an aesthetic–arching blood across the cabin walls. maya has to be first, because she’s meanest. the shock will stun wes long enough for her to turn on him even though he’s bigger. somewhere in the darkness, their small dog yelps and paws at the door.

maya is easily overtaken. kim has the element of surprise and a few inches on her. she wonders what it says about her that she can dispatch a shitty person so easily. it’s not like highlander; she doesn’t gain mystical powers when she sticks maya in the neck with that cheap butterfly knife. all she gets is blood. wes, on the other hand, he’s harder once he realizes his life is on the line. easily, he has half a foot and thirty pounds on her and he gives almost as good as he gets. kim swallows a molar and take a hit so hard her ears ring, but she doesn’t stop. her whole life has been filled with a rage that she has let out in metered doses. tonight she lets it all out; tonight she knows she can never go back to vancouver, but she can still go home. she doesn’t stop until the dog barks at her loudly to go outside and she wonders if he didn’t trust them either.

they’d named him something stupid, like chaos or dogmeat. he wasn’t a fucking fallout canine companion even if they fancied themselves raiders. heroin and the open road, punk rock and a boxcar–she knows how romantic it all can seem. they probably thought they were mad max or negan. in the end they were just assholes. kimberly feng is a cat person, but she can’t just leave this poor dog in the cabin with all that blood. he’s barely more than a puppy. kim doesn’t know what the fuck to do with a dog, but … he is kind of cute. his blue-grey fur reminds her of an old man’s beard–a little old grandpa–and so the name, while never meant to be permanent, sticks. and so does grandpa, it seems, as he never leaves her side. they’ll have to head east, farther from the scene of the crime and buy a plane ticket from somewhere like phoenix. she chides herself as she wonders how much it costs to ship a dog to tianjin and decides fuck it, it doesn’t really matter. their friendship was baptized in blood, she and the dog belong together.

▓ ▌NOW PLAYING : THERE IS A LIGHT THAT NEVER GOES OUT – THE SMITHS

the open road at night in the desert has an eerie quality to it and kim is running from ghosts. phantoms who catch her easiest when she is sleeping, grandpa curled under her arm, in the back seat of her beat up muscle car. she’s never seen a place quiet like this and maybe it’d even be beautiful if she wasn’t alone–lady macbeth on the run. at least the dog’s good company, he doesn’t seem to care what she’s done and long as she feeds him. there’s something kind of nice about the newness of unconditional love.

she doesn’t call her grandmother to tell her about the change in flight plans, not yet anyway. once nainai’svoice sound on the other end, she knows she’ll burst into tears. she doesn’t deserve a grandmother like that, but she knows that an old woman can’t care for herself forever. she can at least give her that. if she can’t give her fat grandchildren and a fancy house on the beach, she can at least be there for her–if only she could find the highway.

driving and coffee, it seems like that’s all she’s known as she focuses on getting to phoenix as fast as possible. inhumanely fast, impossibly fast. it can be an alibi or an escape. there’s no way anyone’s going to believe she was the victim when they see wes’ body. too angry for too long–she’s really fucked it up this time. she doesn’t even google news reports, not wanting to know what might be waiting for her when she finally makes it to the airport and fuck, she can still not find the main highway, but there’s hope in the form of some no horse shithole named boot hill. ahead of schedule from driving like a bat out of hell, maybe she can rest for one night. maybe her demons can’t find her in this place. it’s almost a mirage–the oasis in the desert of cartoon, she thinks. who would ever think to find her in a place like this? the don’t even have a starbucks here, let alone a prison.

before she knows it, it’s been four months. nainai was understanding when she said she’d run into some bad luck and was staying in this small town. she’s just laying low of course, and she promises her grandmother everyday that she’ll be out to phoenix to catch her flight before she knows it. maybenainai even believes it, because she says ‘my friends in la tell me there was a murder along the freeway there, be careful, sweet girl’ and kimberly cringes, because she is not a sweet girl. she’s a killer and a prisoner and only one of those truth, is she fully aware of in boot hill.

❝ the only thing i remember from my childhood is when you are scared, make yourself tall. i’m the tallest girl alive. i’m the tallest knife. no throat can hold me. ❞

CENSUS,

FACECLAIM › Chloe Bennet AUTHOR › Lucia

#chloe bennet #rp #rpg #small town rp #oc rp #{ all. } #{ f. } #{ local. } #{ lucia. } #{ over twenty. } #death tw #murder tw #gore tw #assault tw

[controloffandoms]

Nightly Routine (Dick Grayson x reader)

Request: Can you do dick x reader where nightwing had a habit of always visiting reader whose his gf but she doesn't know it's him during patrol via a balcony or window or something to flirt and joke around and then one night he comes in badly injured and he goes to her bc he knows she'd help him and she helps patching him up and he forgets his in his uniform and makes a move, moving in and she responds and they start macking out but then they realise what's happening and she's thinking oh no he's ++ going to think I'm a cheater after they pull away and before he leaves she tells him to wait and confesses that she knew that it was him for a while now after she picked up it after seeing him visit and flirt she just figured it out and he's relieved and fluff 😚😊

Pairing: Dick Grayson x Reader

Words: 1267

Warnings: mentions of Blockbuster beating Dick up.

Author’s Note: I read a lot of Dick Grayson x reader to get in the mood for writing this one. I’m sorry it took so long Anon! Also, tips for writing for any of the bats, listen to the batman soundtrack. It’s a great motivator

The first time the vigilante of Bludhaven showed up at your window, you were surprised. Well, surprised was a bit of an understatement. Surprised would suggest that you were mildly shocked. Let’s just say that you were in major shock as you stared at the vigilante. Your boyfriend, Dick Grayson, was out with some friends and here you were thinking you were going to have a quiet night in.

“Are you going to invite me in,” he asked in a light tone.

“Are you going to explain why you’re here,” you replied in the same tone.

He chuckled before replying, “I will if you let me come in.”

You rolled your eyes slightly before opening your window fully. “So what brings the great Nightwing to my window at 1:30 in the morning,” you asked.

“It’s been a slow night and I saw your light on. Thought I would meet one of the people I protect,” he stated as he laid on the bed.

“While that is very sweet, my boyfriend would probably be a little angry with me for letting a stranger into our apartment and letting him lie on the bed,” you responded.

“I’m pretty sure your boyfriend would be okay with this. I’ve saved him a couple of times, actually,” he smirked.

“Right. Because this isn’t the slightest bit creepy.”

“Just like to make sure everyone’s safe.”

“So I guess you’ll be checking in on Miss Herron next,” you questioned innocently.

“Now you are taking it too far.”

Before I could respond, his watch beeped. He sighed as he read it then turned to me as he walked towards the window. “Sorry I have to cut this short. You should really go to bed. After all, it’s almost two in the morning.”

________________________________

It was the fifth night and it was nearing two o’clock in the morning. You were slightly worried about Nightwing, he usually popped up by now. Yes, it was weird, your boyfriend working late nights at the station so you look forward to talking with the masked man that has saved your city more times than you can count.

You hear a light rap on the window pane and turn to see Nightwing letting himself in. “Sorry I’m late, a bust went longer than I thought it would. But it is all worth it to see your beautiful face.”

You blushed before rolling your eyes. “I have a boyfriend, remember.”

“Oh I know. It was merely a compliment for a pretty girl. Nothing more. Unless you want it to be.” You rolled your eyes and shook your head. Sometimes you wondered why you looked forward to talking with the vigilante.

“I do not. I have an amazing boyfriend whom I love dearly.” You couldn’t help but admit that Nightwing did remind you of your boyfriend. Same colored hair. Same build. Sometimes their voices sounded the same. It didn’t help your skeptical mind that whenever Nightwing showed up, Dick was nowhere to be seen-

“Penny for your thoughts,” Nightwing asked as he sat on the open window seal.

You obviously couldn’t tell him your exact line of thinking. That might not go over well. “I was just thinking about how you remind me of my boyfriend. You’re just as flirty as he is and you make me feel the same amount of safe that I feel when I’m around him. Though that’s probably just because I know you as someone that saves people. I mean, I guess that’s why I like talking to you so much because I don’t get to see Dick as often as I would like and you maybe fill that void.”

You looked up to find Nightwing speechless. “Oh, God I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make it sound like that. I do enjoy talking to you and I promise I don’t always think of you like my boyfriend. I like the honest talks we can have before you get called away to save the city. I love listening to you talk about the crime you’ve stopped before showing up at my window. I’m not meaning to sound like I use you or something. Look, I really don’t want to mess this up. I really like your friendship and I just th-”

“Hey, you’re fine. I understand. Look, I’ve got a robbery in process, but I promise I’ll come back tomorrow.”

His voice, it was so gentle. Just like how Dick’s was whenever you were upset. You can’t deny that you watched Nightwing’s backside as he walked back to the window and left. You also can’t deny that his ass looks exactly like your boyfriend’s.

That’s when everything clicked together. Dick was Nightwing. Nightwing was Dick. Dick was out there putting himself on the line every night as Nightwing and still putting his life on the line as Dick Grayson, Police officer during the day. But why wouldn’t he tell you?

____________________________

Sometimes Nightwing would come to you after he’d battled a more experienced villain and ask you to help him stitch up the places he couldn’t reach. Day twenty-five was no different other than these were the worst injuries you’ve seen your boyfriend have. Yes, you’ve figured out Nightwing was Dick Grayson. You may or may not have snooped around the apartment one day to finally end your suspicions and found a red Nightwing suit. You guessed it was his backup if the blue one was too badly damaged.

You were stitching up his back and everything was quiet. “You want to tell me who you fought this time? Who was able to hurt you this much,” you whispered. You were willing the tears to go away. You didn’t want them to fall. You couldn’t let them fall.

Dick sighed before lowering his head. “Blockbuster. I had the choice to save a civilian or save myself. I saved the civilian and while I was distracted getting her out, Blockbuster used me as a punching bag.”

Your hands shook as you put the sewing needle down and started wrapping the gauze around Dick’s midsection. “You could have been killed,” your voice broke on the last word.

Dick turned around as quickly as he could, holding your wrists in his hands. “Hey, look. Look at me. I’m okay. Don’t cry, I promise I’m okay. I wouldn’t have let him kill me.”

“Well what about next time,” your voice rose. “You could get killed the next time. You have no control over that! Then what would you want me to do? Get over you? I can’t just-”

His lips were suddenly on yours. You didn’t hesitate to kiss back, salty tears mixing as they traveled down both of your faces. The only times you both separated was for a quick breath between the kisses. The familiarity of the kiss kept you going but soon Dick pulled away.

Then it hit you, you’d just kissed your boyfriend while he was Nighwing and he didn’t know you knew. He probably thought you were a cheater. Dick made his way to the window, “I’m sorry about that, I shouldn’t have kissed you. I’ll be going now.”

“Wait,Dick,” he froze as he slowly turned back around. “I know it’s you. You may be good at hiding your secret identity from everyone else, but I know you better than I know myself. I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you sooner that I knew. Just...don’t go. You’re hurt and need rest,” you whispered the last part, looking down to the ground.

“Thank God,” he muttered before lifting your chin up and kissing you passionately.

#nightwing #nightwing x reader #dick grayson #dick grayson x reader #richard grayson #richard grayson x reader #DC comics #batman #batfamily #bludhaven #robin

[susventingdolphins]

My sister no longer feels like a friend (No TL;DR, but if you want to get to the last breaking incident and skip the past context / events go to the bottom)

I (23) have these two friends I'll call them L (21) and X (23), L has been like a sister to me for 3 years. I still love her as one but so much has happened that I don't love her as a friend anymore. L and X I've helped with their mental health since I met them, L for 3 years I've been her on call pseudo friend-therapist trying to help her so she could eventually get professional help for herself. Its been non stop taking care of her and having friends around us favor her and abuse me and neglect me to force me to be the perfect "caretaker" for her by "toughening me up" L knew about this but shrugged it all off. L Rarely reciprocated with listening to me, when i did try to go to her she'd be judgemental and threaten me to force me into things I didn't want to do. So eventually I rarely went to her unless it was dumb friend sh*t and nothing big in my life. And even then it was only when I wanted to end my own life did I go to her. But she always blew me off and it was my husband who had to pull me back each time.

The major issues though? It started off last year First incident with L Blew off my past abuse out of no where, using her religion to push me into forgiving the man who sexually, physically and verbally abused me, gave my whole family ptsd, gave my mother physical scars, screwed up and ruined my one brothers knee, hurt me so badly that I live with constant physical pain as a result from too much force / physical trauma to my body. But L told me I had to forgive him that abuse is a cycle and only god can judge. When I told her to stop and told her she should know better as shes been through verbal abuse and emotional manipulation from both of her parents. She insisted I was being ridiculous by still hating him and having ptsd from him. Got angry and offended and told me again only god can judge and that im not allowed to or I'll go to hell. Second Incident with L She compared me to her abusive mother out of the blue when I was trying to help prevent L from ending her own life scared for her, all because she had insecurities and anxiety and outright admitted to me she let her imagination run wild and painted a completely different version of me in her own head, yet she still judged me for the actions of that imagined version things I never even did or said and she held them against me. Third incident with L She knows I have a fear of men bc of my PTSD, Men are terrifying even online for me, the older they are the worse it is. It causes me major panic attacks so I prefer to outnumber men with females and nonbinary friends when Im with new men so I don't feel overwhelmed. I like to take things slow with men. L however thought it was a good idea to throw me in a group chat with 5 men and just the two of us and to make it worse pressured and forced us into a voice call, acting depressed and hurt if I didn't join. She told me she was trying exposure therapy to help me get over it. I never asked her to do such a thing and I had a major panic attack. I got angry at her for this and she got defensive and angry and when I didn't let it go she then wanted to take her own life again. When I apologised to her for being mad and forced myself to let it go suddenly she was all rainbows and sunshine again. Fourth Incident with L I had a dangerous ex friend, who I couldn't leave bc they were threatening me and had found out my IP address. L knew this I spoke to her about this. I legally could do nothing bc it was JUST online they hadn't made a move yet so I couldn't get legal help. L forced me to leave that ex friend threatening to leave me as a friend if I didn't and assured me I'd be fine if I broke it off, told me I don't really trust her or love her if I didn't. Even though I told L of the risks and the fact I couldn't legally protect myself because even if the ex did do something cyber crimes are often brushed off in my town and laughed off unless she DOES leak the IP or my address (and often times thats still ignored until someone physically tries to harm me or stalk me). It doesn't stop her from leaking everything else about me. The ex friend then leaked all my emails, my social medias, my face, to people online, including to hate groups of asexuals, knowing I was ace, one of the biggest things I wanted to avoid. the IP didn't get leaked but the ex friend did threaten to leak it if I went against her again, I then had a lot of threats flooding my email address after. Now as for long standing issues over the past 3 years 1. She would always bring up how much she hated her skinny body when I felt insecure of being fat 2. She would always get mad at me for wanting to lose weight because she felt I was hating on myself by wanting to lose even one pound, told me god made me this way and I was being disrespectful if I change it, even when it was for medical reasons. 3. She insinuated a lot that I wasn't good enough for my husband that because I have depression he deserved better 4. She threatened me all the time to tell my brother who has depression, that I was suicidal and pile all of my own problems on him knowing it'd

hurt him if I ever ended my friendship with her, she'd do this whenever I got mad at her for anything. 5. She never accepted that she hurt me a lot, instead she'd either suddenly want to die every single time until I let it go or she'd try to gaslight me into making it all my fault she hurt me. I never could communicate with her. 6. she constantly criticised me for not having as easy of a time learning as other people and for being unable to grasp anything in math (except the basics) and science. She also constantly corrected and mocked and made fun of me for my punctuation and grammar and discouraged me from following my dreams to become an author. 7. Constantly got jealous about all my new friends and trash talked them 8. Flirted with my IRL big brother trying to lead him on and use him to cheat, when she was in relationships with other men and knew my brother was off limits. 9. Trash talked my mother no matter how many times I got angry at her for it. 10. Forced me to voice chat and do so often without breaks, even when I didn't want to though she knew I had major anxiety involving using my actual voice to speak (its linked to my social anxiety, its weird and I don't get it myself. But speaking physically genuinely mentally pains me to do) 11. Sent me monetary gifts even when I told her not to, and always joked about me owing her, and went on about how much money they cost her and how much of her money she had left. 12. All the gifts she did send me was things she liked that she knew I disliked and she got angry if I didn't fall in love with these things. 13. Would disrespect my s*x repulsion (part of my own asexuality. Its my side of the spectrum) and force me into uncomfortable topics talking all about her having s*x with her boyfriends. For those wondering why X is also a problem: through all these each time I asked him what to do when talking to L didn't work, X excused her behaviour and blamed and pinned everything on me for "not trying hard enough to be a good friend, not being understanding enough, not being patient enough. You know how L is, its just her nature! You should be putting more legwork in to make up for it, you know she loves you. would she put up with you if she didn't? She only wants what is best for you, give her a break. Shes doing this all for you. You have to take care of her! you owe her, she deserves it." ‼️LAST INCIDENT FOR THOSE WHO DON'T WANT TO READ ALL OF THIS‼️ then the most recent incident with her some context first: I take mental health breaks, I am bluntly honest about what im going through if asked if I trust someone. If you're not part of the problem I always let you know why im leaving even if I don't go into detail. This is something I've said and made clear numerous times over the years and even warn people about the day we become friends so they have time to back out if they can't handle a friendship that isn't constant messaging. L and X for the past 6 months have ghosted me and been cold towards me, responding maybe 1 / 20 times and always short and curt unless they needed help for something. The whole time I waited for them, I helped them even when I was having bad day after bad day, my own mental health was dipping which i informed them of incase I seemed cold after awhile and couldn't keep up being bubbly. But I kept trying to make their day sending cute little supportive messages constantly and checking up on them bi-daily when I knew it was particularly a hard week for them. I waited and waited thinking "They will talk to me when they need me or when they feel ready. It'll be okay, Whatever it is we can tackle it together" and this is also something I expressed to them, that I noticed something is wrong but I'm here if they need me whenever they are ready. That the option is always open and I loved them. Then they got colder and colder, they started making snide jabs at me all the time which I brushed off as them having a bad day every single time. They made jabs about every part of my personality being annoying, my appearance being annoying and treated my

looks with disgust, they hated every single thing I got into and liked and got angry if I didn't like every single thing they did, they found any reason to criticise me those 6 months every single day. And on my 3 year friendship anniversary with them they treated me even colder and picked a bunch of small fights with me throughout the whole day from what games i was playing, to my choice of clothes, to what I ate to how much and how little I spoke, everything was wrong wrong wrong. Then fast forward to 2 weeks ago. 2 weeks ago L started a huge fight with me L told me my depressive break downs were pity parties minimized and scoffed and laughed at them. She told me My husband only puts up with me and I don't deserve him and im abusive and toxic for having depression that because I don't get better it hurts everyone else that I can't be happy all the time and im toxic because I "choose to have depression" She told me Im abusive for taking mental health breaks that by taking them and walking away from all social media for a few days at a time, im "practically telling us we're not good enough and we're unloveable." and that I am toxic for taking breaks. Her words. Im toxic for being friends with people I've fought with in the past and "stupid, naive, retarded, foolish, cowardly" that I love the pain and bathe in it and thats why I never get better. That im a "sh*tty friend for being depressed" told me to just willpower away my depression and anxiety. She told me I deserved to be depressed and have anxiety, told me I brought it on myself, told me my past didn't matter that my PTSD is my own fault, told me I never had to be perfect (I did in the past as a kid have to be to avoid being given to an abusive criminal bc he had this town wrapped around his finger into believing he was innocent as can be, this is something that lasted with me from I assume PTSD, I strive to be perfect to fix all my flaws I possibly am able to, and hide most of my negative emotions. This has never ever effected how I treated others, only how I treat myself. It also is something I've tried for years to snap out of but never been able to manage to.) and that im no ones saviour (never said, acted or claimed I was) and to stop helping other people, told me im nothing and no one and no one cares about me. Told me I don't matter and no one would care if I did die that im insignificant. She told me she was hurt I don't talk to them how I feel about them and keep it to myself instead when she knows they are hurting me. She then compared herself to my ex friend who abused me for 6 years straight and numerous times had tried to drive me to suicide. She then told me It was my fault she has insecurities. When I told X all that happened X blamed me for it telling me I deserved it and everyone else was too cowardly and everyone was thinking it and wanted to do it to me. He then told me he loved me and wanted me to talk to him how I felt about him, so I was honest decided "Okay I must be in the wrong if they both are upset" I apologised to them both for everything they accused me of because I genuinely felt bad. L and I kept talking because I was trying to fix things, L told me that I X and Her "Know we aren't your only friends but it'd be nice if we were, I'd like that it'd make me so much happier" She told me that she feels like she has to change to a warmer person and im a bad person for her feeling that way because she feels like she has to match up to my energy because I get depressed when they ignore and ghost me for weeks on end that its just "how we are, its our nature. We're cold people" Then turned around in the fight to tell me I have to change and become colder, that they hate who I am as a person, they hate that im affectionate and get attached to people. L told me X and her have been talking behind my back, sent me logs of it of the two of them insulting and mocking me and told me they did it out of love and frustration and in those logs X had told L many of my secrets I trusted X with, he didn't keep a single one. I went back to

X deciding to be honest since they want honesty, and told him about what L showed me and that I didn't trust the two of them anymore after this and the things said were harsh and hurted a lot and a lot of it did feel inaccurate while some things were on the nose, and he told me he didn't want to be my brother anymore, told me I was a bad friend and I again deserved what panda did, then he ghosted me. After this all happened, I snapped and something clicked and changed inside and I felt cold towards them. Affectionate to those who actually showed me love, and happier again because I trusted L the most and she broke my heart. It felt like I hit an epiphany. I became a new person, I changed my name online, I cut off toxic friends, I patched things up with old friends, I communicated more about my feelings so there'd be no misunderstandings anymore with good friends because of my own anxiety and insecurities with them. I was happier I had really good friends by my side who love me. I was a new me, I found myself again and it felt like there was light again in a tunnel that has been long and dark since I was 12. Fast forward to 3 days ago and she messaged me again after us not talking since that incident. She apologised and I felt relieved, but thats not the end. Her apology took a very unexpected turn. She told me she was only sorry she never said anything earlier, but she did not regret a single thing she said or did to me over the years since we met and especially not what she said and did that day. She told me again I was a horrible human being for being depressed and toxic for hating my own appearance and trying to lose weight. She then said "I know better, I knew better and let my own insecurities get to me. But its YOUR fault. You never told me otherwise. I didn't go to you either but you never told me what I needed to hear, you're supposed to be good at reading people, its your fault not mine" Told me that she is hurt by me for me taking mental health breaks, said I was doing it to be malicious to her and X, that there was no way I wasn't, even though she "knows better her insecurities say its that way so it has to be and its my fault for making her feel insecure." She then told me she wants to stop being friends but also wants to hold onto me. Told me I'd have to do a lot of work, when I spoke to her about all she ever did that hurt me, how I felt she turned around and made it all about herself. She then told me it'd be me that would have to change who I am as a person. "Become colder, Stop caring about others, Be warmer to us, don't leave us behind, stop taking mental health breaks" Then she told me "Its my fault you changed, I did well but I don't like how you changed. I pushed you onto that new path leaving myself stuck behind. I dislike this new you, I didn't expect for that to change your whole life and who you were. I don't like it, maybe we can change it back and be friends again" She then told me "the misunderstanding caused me to distrust you, you'll have to repair that if you want us to be friends still. I'll TRY but you have to fix everything or this wont work out" If we do stay friends shes going to be a casual video games only kind of friend only bc I still do love her. But honestly if we stop being friends Im fine with that too. Either way shes lost all right to be a big part of my life again and shes lost trust she'll never get back from me.

#Toxic friends #Toxic friendship #Trigger Warning #tw suicide #tw depression #sorry for the rant #rant #3 year anniversary

[raamensims]

:) Christian

Lordy lordy this daddy af man finally gets some love! 

1. Worked as a criminal for the major mob bosses in San Myshuno when he was younger - it was the main reason he spent so much time away from Lavender and Ember -  and the main reason for making stupid bad life choices. Spending that much time with bad people made him a bad person too, since he was so heavily influenced by his superiors. He regrets it every day. 

2. Is sassy AF and does have a lil bit of a temper - he’s a mellow boy now since he’s a dad and all but if you cross him or his family... 

3. Recently has had a knack for fishing. He takes pride in his slowly growing aquarium. ( yes the lobster from their camping trip is in the tank - he was not gonna let lavender cook it! she can cook her own lobster ) 

4. Has a twin sister that he’s no longer in contact with. She still thinks he’s a bad person and will break Lavender’s heart again ( even though they aren’t friends anymore) 

5. His father ditched his family when he was very young. He doesn’t want to be that kind of guy - it was one of the main reasons for coming back. 

6. Is INCREDIBLY supportive and protective of his son Hugo, he will do anything for him. He knows Hugo is v smol and too pure for this earth. 

7. Thinks that Lav was the best thing to ever happen to him :’) and TOTALLY ISN’T growing his hair and beard because he know she likes it pfffffft. 

8. High key obsessed with setting the table in a certain way - if anyone tries to do it differently he’ll have a fit. 

9. Kind of wants to see more kiddos running around the house. (⊙‿⊙✿)

10. Starting to wear glasses bc his vision is getting worse. Lav and the kids keep teasing that he’s getting old. 

[roundthatcorner]

"Something that didn't happen but did. But only for a minute" Can you elaborate on what you think this means?

(Okay,hopefully you are still here, anon (carpal tunnel = me reluctant totype much of anything, sadly, bc I need to save my loser hand for myjob…Gird your loins or w/e, this is long…and meandering…)

Ithink I stuck that in the tags of a post, but I was just paraphrasingPaul’s lyrics in ‘The Pound Is Sinking’, where he sings ‘hear me,lover/I can’t be held responsible now/for something that didn’thappen/I knew you for a minute/oh, it didn’t happen/no, only for aminute/your heart just wasn’t in it anymore’ (probably you knowthis, but just for background…).

So,just let me like riff on my interpretation a little, and don’t be toooffended if I get off track, it’s all related in my head:

Incomparison to the kind of nether-world of John and Paul’srelationship with each other, we can maybe look at theirrelationships with their (eventual) wives to see what wouldconstitute, at least in Paul’s mind, something that actually'happened’. No matter what we think DID happen between John and Paul,it was clearly never a 100% fully fledged relationship, right? Theynever got married, they never bought a house together, they nevermade each other breakfast every morning, they never adopted kids,etc. They never actually ran away together – at least not withoutcoming back. Paul wrote those lyrics after 10 years of marriage withLinda and 4 kids, and in comparison to that level of day in, day outcommitment, whatever John and Paul had is something that onlysemi-happened, or only happened for a minute (or happened in 'anotherlifetime’ or 'was I just dreaming or was it only yesterday?’).

Awhole range of possibilities exists for what their relationshipactually was (I have another ask that I am trying to formulate aresponse to that will be more along those lines), and so these lyricscan be interpreted a lot of different ways…but essentially…nomatter how far they went with each other, romantically or sexually, Idon’t think either of them ever got quite what they wanted out ofeach other, you know? Neither of them was ever fully satisfied by it– there was always SOMETHING in their relationship that was out ofreach – unattainable – whether because of their ownpersonalities, conflicting demands and desires, fame on a level noone could possibly understand (I mean…really…the ENORMOUSpsychological pressure on them is simply unfathomable and somethingwe should always try to have deep, deep empathy for), exteriorpressures, homophobia, the hard slog of being in a band together,jealousy, competition (!!), differing drug habits, etc.  

Like,I think we can get a pretty clear idea of WHAT John wanted out of arelationship by comparing his relationships with Paul and Yoko. Whydid John swap Paul for Yoko? Presumably because he was gettingsomething from Yoko, at least in the first couple of years of theirrelationship, that he COULD NOT get from Paul, or wouldn’t ask forfrom Paul, or couldn’t expect from Paul. Paul was never going to beat his beck-and-call 24/7; Paul was never going to go on about himbeing a genius without also expecting him to actually producegenius-level work; Paul was never going to BLOW UP everything theyhad built, their whole world, for John, on an impulse; he was nevergoing to tear the Beatles apart for John; he was never going todevolve into junkie-ism for John; he was never going to stop writinggreat songs because it made John jealous when he did; he was nevergoing to stop being the prince of swinging London because it madeJohn feel stultified in comparison; he was never going to…put hiscock on the front of an album, or mail back his MBE, or put on artshows that are designed solely to rile/exasperate/pull-one-over-onpeople (Paul’s art, in contrast, is almost always 'invitational’). IfJohn was into his 'great debunker’ mode in '68, Paul could not be hispartner in that – but Yoko could, since she never put in thefucking hard work of building their Empire (though she has happilyreaped, for decades, the benefits of what she helped destroy).

(Also– Paul could never stop being a man in order to bolster John’smasculinity, or to quiet his gay panic, or lessen his probablepost-Brian-dying existential crisis about what-the-fuck theirrelationship, or any gay relationship, could ever be. A best friendwho you can fuck but is also a woman (so it’s alright)? That’simpossible for Paul, he can only go two-for-three there.

Also,not unimportantly – for all John described Yoko as a genius, blahblah blah, she was NEVER EVER going to write a number one hit. Youknow? She was NEVER actually competition for him – he never wasgoing to look at her and be like, “Gosh, I like your songs on thisalbum better than mine…”, LOL. Yoko and his post-Beatles work wasa way of REMOVING himself from the game – how better to escape fromthe pressure of coming up with another Ticket to Ride than byproducing Life with the Lions, or whatever-the-fuck? He TALKED a shitload about his genius after the Beatles were over – but by thatpoint his genius (which was being the leader of a ROCK 'N’ ROLL BAND,btw, in case anyone (Yoko) ever forgets) was atrophying. The world will never love Yoko the way it loves John or Paul, which allows John to win that competition BY DEFAULT -- with no effort! -- while also getting to play a bit of a martyr vis-a-vis her and her treatment by the press/society/fans.

Also, Iwould compare what Paul was able to get from Linda to what he gotfrom John (it’s a valid comparison, obviously – Linda and John werevery different Libras), but doing so doesn’t quite make sense here,since Paul never actually made a choice between John and Linda. WhatPaul chose Linda over was dying – literally fucking dying – of abroken heart.)

So,having hashed out some dynamics or dysfunctions that were presumablypresent no matter what 'level’ their relationship went to, and whichpresumably drove them apart, you’re probably saying…what the fuck,dude? Because all of this is sort of putting the cart before thehorse, right? Since John’s impulse to do all of theseBeatle/Paul-ruining things, which necessitated 'Yoko boat’ ratherthan 'Paul boat’, had to come from somewhere…

Myactual shortened timeline-sort-of view of their relationship and myCONJECTURE on how it may have happened: sometime between 1964 ('If IFell’) and May 1968 they moved into a semi-stable phase of theirrelationship which is semi-explicitly romantic (the sexualinterplay/experimentation presumably far pre-dates this period, maybedating back to their first months together ('Baby Elvis’ – John wasphysically/sexually knocked-the-fuck-out by Paul from the start)), inaddition to being ten dozen other things. One or both of them mayharbor the notion at this point that some day – when the demands ofBeatlemania are done, when things are more settled, when they haveaged out of fucking around so much, when they buy an island, when thepress hounds them less, when homosexuality is more destigmatized inaddition to being decriminalized (1967 in Britain, which may playinto this) – they will be in a yet more stable, more exclusive &more serious relationship.

Atsome point it becomes clear to one or both of them that this is notgoing to happen: Brian dies which fucks everything up (nothingharshes a buzz like death, especially the death of one’s gay mentor, which may then precipitate a decisively un-gay turnaround), Paul gets engagedto Jane in a last ditch effort to save their relationship, and Pauland John as-a-couple fizzle out. Possibly it’s even amicable atfirst, like they’ve agreed to put it on hold because they acknowledgethat they can’t give each other what they want – which wouldexplain why Paul is so docile and accepting of the Yoko thing atfirst. Not only does he not think it will last (another of John’swhims – Chip Madinger puts the Two Virgins recording on the VERYSAME DAY that John announces that he is Jesus fucking Christ! (*)) andmaybe it’s actually in-line with what they’ve agreed to, but Paulalso doesn’t yet understand that John will at some point becomewilling to destroy the whole dang thing, all-or-nothing, 'if we can’tbe lovers we’ll never be friends’, etc.

Withouttheir being lovers, all the little resentments John has towards Paul– over leadership, talent, looks, personality, music, etc, that heis able to overlook when they’re fucking – boil over. If John’sperception becomes that Paul has managed to wrest the band away fromhim by sexually manipulating him (**), then that’s one more reason forhim to now try to assert his dominance – by foisting Yoko on all ofthem, which only drives home further how not-the-leader he is (in hisown mind), since if he WERE the leader, they would accept her(especially because he thinks she’s cool, and they generally thinkeverything he thinks is cool is cool!). Having Yoko nearby all thetime also conveniently keeps Paul-and-his-sexual-wiles away from Johnand gives him a continuous alternate sexual outlet. For John to’re-take’ the leadership position (which has always actually been aco-leadership, of course, since the moment John and Paul were theones wearing matching blazers while everyone else had plain shirts)would require that he start writing better songs than Paul – onlynow he’s too heroin-addled to effectively do so and he’s got writer’sblock something major, so instead he withdraws further into Yoko andheroin and non-communication. At the point where Paul is begging himon bended knee – writing Oh Darling for him and then repeatedlyTELLING him it’s for him – Paul is at his lowest point yet and he is STILL writing more songs than John andpretty soon he’s refusing to go along with Klein, too, which onlyfurthers the resentment. And especially if Paul’s love andprotectiveness towards the band partially caused him to put thebrakes on the relationship with John, what better way for John toessentially fuck with Paul and get all his latent heartbreak anddisappointment out than to leave Paul with nothing by destroying theband, too?

(*) John really seems to have experienced a BREAK with reality at this point, and it’s bizarre how rarely this is explicated in discussions of him finally getting together with Yoko. After years of compulsively drinking/drugging they go to India where, at least at the start of things, John is STONE COLD SOBER and meditating for hours on end – anyone’s psyche would be shaken up by this! And then Paul LEAVES – which, even if it wasn’t precipitated by any argument or whatever (I’m agnostic on this), had to be massively destabilizing for John because suddenly he has HOURS to ruminate on Paul and their relationship and what he is and isn’t getting from it, and he no longer has Paul actually physically there to ground him, both in reality generally and in his Paul-ness and how essentially lovable and fascinating and alluring John finds him and will always find him. 

(**)Paul may well have been the first guy that John was physically turnedon by – bisexuals supposedly realize their same-sex attractionslater than their opposite-sex ones and comparatively later than gaypeople do – but moreover Paul seems to have SET and embodied thepattern of John’s male attractions for the rest of his life. Not fornothing was John’s intended panty-dropper line to Tony Manarosupposedly 'you’re prettier than Paul’. Practically every rumor I’veever seen of John’s sexual encounters with males in his later yearsemphasizes that he liked PRETTY BOYS (and who’s the toppermost of thepretty boy heap?). So if John was conflicted about his attraction tomen, it makes sense that he might manage to blame that on Paul, too.

Hopefully this makes a slight bit of sense…at any point in there at all, lol. Feel free to ask me again if I didn’t quite hit the mark or if you want clarification. :)