#i do feel :((( bc there was a scary tunnel i wanted to go through | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

yeoslattes · 3 months

Text

Happy Ending Status: Pending

Genre: Smut

Word Count: 6.7k

Pairings: Underground Artist!Mingi x fem!reader

Summary: Mingi was not what your family and friends wanted for you. Reality was becoming too real and maybe they were right but you struggled to leave him.

Songs to listen to: Tunnel-Song Mingi, Star Shopping-Lil Peep, Romantic Homicide-D4vd

Warnings: TW! Toxic relationship tendencies, toxic Mingi, smut, lots of crying, slight slow burn, weed use, financial issuesMingi is pretty bad to her at the beginning, he's lowkey a bum, Mingi yells at her once, simp!Mingi, one of his friends makes a bad comment abt reader, Wooyoung is an asshole, reader is a good girl, he's possessive of her, soft Dom!Mingi, oral m receiving, big dick Mingi (lets be real), gagging, lots of spit, slight throat fucking, Mingi holds her down a couple of times, choking, unprotected sex asf, creampie, Mingi cries after sex, use of slut like once, praising

A/N: *big sigh* something about the plot was so hard to write for me lol. I had mentioned that I didn't want to make Mingi too toxic but in the editing process it was almost inevitable so I had to do what I had to do to make it work. He's not scary, he's just a big simp in this lmao. I added songs as well, Star Shopping is what inspired me and Tunnel is what I imagine Mingi looking like in this, Romantic Homicide is for the vibes. Also to clear up any confusion, she's in college bc her parents pay for it aside from that she gets no allowance from them, since she wanted to move with Mingi so bad her parents let her fend for herself (stupid girl). I hope you Pookies enjoy, as always thank you for all the love mwah <3

The bass boomed through the entire establishment. The floor shook, soundwaves rolling up your body. A small smile plays at your lips at the sight of your boyfriend performing on stage. Your eyes curiously watched the girls in the front row who were ready to risk it all for Song Mingi.

The song comes to an end and people cheered loudly, you clap for your boyfriend as he comes off stage pressing a kiss against your lips. “I have some business to deal with first baby, I’ll be back soon.” You nod and clutch the jacket draped over your arms, suddenly feeling exposed now that Mingi had left you.

You take a seat, scrolling mindlessly through your phone, soon enough Mingi comes back looking more pissed than ever. His eyebrows are drawn together with a stoic expression replacing his usual smile. Your face falls, “hey what’s going on?” You ask worriedly, placing a hand on his arm. He shakes his head, “he’s not paying me.” He grumbles, you feel your heart sink. “Mingi that’s not okay-“ you begin, but he ignores you, instead walking towards Yunho and Hongjoong who were standing beside the stage.

Your lips subconsciously fall into a pout, trailing after him. You knew how Mingi was when he was upset and the fact that he was with friends didn’t help either; you hated who he became when he was around them. Walking a couple steps behind them and excusing yourself as you walked through the crowd, you watched as Yunho whispered something in Mingi’s ear. Your boyfriend nods and turns to look at you. “I’ll be right back babe.” He says not even giving you time to respond. You stand alone for a second time tonight. You huff plopping down on one of the booth seats.

You wait and wait, it had been almost 25 minutes since Mingi had left. Your eyes skimmed the crowd in search of him with no luck. He’d blown you off, when you figured he really wasn’t coming back you got up and started looking for him. Your heart felt like it was hanging by the finest thread, one minimal tug and it’d be gone. You spent the majority of your night pushing through sweaty bodies looking for your missing boyfriend.

Everyone sported leather, dark eyeliner, piercings, while the darkest color on your outfit was the pleated black skirt and black tights you had worn, your cashmere sweater being no fit to the aesthetic. Your hands were starting to shake, and your breathing became slightly labored as you continued to skim the club for a tall Mingi.

People had started to notice you, giving you weird looks as you kept making rounds around the club. Your mind began to race, the more you looked the more you felt like the crowd was close to swallowing you up. You spot the exit and make a beeline for it, your tears already falling freely down your cheeks. “E-excuse me.” You mumbled pushing through a couple, the girl looked at you, her eyebrow piercing moving up as she cocked her brow up at your state. Stepping out into the fresh air you finally felt like you could breathe.

***

Your white sneakers heavily hit the ground, dirty water soaking the mid rise crew socks you wore from all the puddles you had stepped in but you didn’t care. You continued your journey back to yours and Mingi’s apartment. You quickly went up the stairs to the second floor, ducking your head as you passed your creepy neighbor who’s eyes never left your shivering frame. You unlocked the door and slammed it shut behind you with a loud sigh. The wooden door creaked under your weight as you rested against it. You feel a knot forming in your throat and you can't help the sob that rips through you. Your legs give out and you melt down into a puddle of tears. Your hand clutches your phone tightly, looking at the absurd amount of times you had dialed Mingi, each one going straight to voicemail.

You numbly pick yourself up off the floor and go into the bathroom, staring at yourself in the mirror you almost feel bad for yourself; but this was the life you had chosen. Your hair is frizzed up and your makeup is basically gone. You begin reflecting on what your life had become, the voices of your parents and friends echoed through your head, and you were truly starting to believe that you should've listened to them. After standing your ground against them for so long and always defending Mingi, things were not what they seemed anymore, nothing like the delusions you had put in your head. And so now here you were, heart hanging by a thread as you desperately waited for your boyfriend to come home; no clue on his whereabouts or who he was with aside from his friends.

***

You had met Mingi freshman year of university, you were enamoured with who he was, with the way he dressed, all dark and mysterious yet sweet and cunning. Mingi knew right away he wasn’t someone your family particularly wanted for you, not as a friend and much less as a boyfriend. They hated Mingi’s lifestyle and were confused on how you could be so enthralled with someone like him. Someone who barely made it in college, who was obsessed with making it big in the music industry and would rather focus on that than a promising career. However, the way he spoke about his passion for music made you believe in him and for a second you did, until a couple months turned into a year, and a year turned into 2 and now at almost 3 years barely anything had changed. You convinced yourself it was fine, but reality was catching up to you quickly.

Truth was, you and Mingi were broke, you could barely afford rent and food was scarce majority of the time. Frugal wasn’t even the word to describe how tight you two were with money. You hated this life, coming from a well off family, you had never struggled with money this way. You never minded working to earn your money, but even while working it still was not enough. With your last required courses to graduate, you had to cut back on your hours, leaving only Mingi working full time. The little amount of money he made, he’d spend on music equipment and recording studio fees that he clearly couldn't afford. At some point the little amount of money you had saved up, you had to start using to buy groceries and home essentials. By the time you rechecked your savings you had nothing.

***

Your body cried for sleep, the longer you tried to stay awake the more your body fought against you that eventually you fell asleep on the couch. Around 2:30 in the morning, the front door unlocks and in walks Mingi, quietly looking around for you. When he doesn’t hear any noise he pads further into the room. He’s startled when he spots your sleeping form on the couch. Clearly you had been waiting for him, and he felt terribly bad that he had blown you off at some random club that you had never been to. Mingi was good at being impulsive and acting on his emotions rather than thinking logically. Of course he was pissed that the gig host had ripped him off but that didn’t mean had the right to ditch you; and only now that his cloudy head was clearing up did he realize that.

He sighs and leans over the back of the couch, resting a hand on your arm. He shakes you slightly, slowly you rise from your slumber. You squint, waiting for your eyes to adjust and focus on the person in front of you. When you realize it’s Mingi you fly off the couch, backing away from him. “Ba-” He starts, “It’s almost 3am and now you wanna ‘baby’ me?” He straightens up and throws his head back in annoyance, knowing exactly where this was going. “I’m tired, I don't want to do this right now.” He grumbles walking towards the bedroom.

Sadness fills you at his dismissive behavior; there's no way he doesn’t care, you thought. Your lips contort into a frown, “Mingi…what is wrong with you?” You say quietly, the knot returning to your throat. You trail after him once again like a lost puppy. He shakes his head, “nothing princess.” But you didn’t believe him. He pulls his shirt off and looks at your small frame lingering by the door. He takes in your disheveled appearance and his gaze softens. “I’m sorry baby, I shouldn’t have left you there.” He says, his heart feeling heavy at your sadness. You had nothing to do with how his gigs went, therefore, you should be the last person he should be getting mad at. When you sniffle slightly and look down he walks over to you, his large frame engulfing you completely. You inhale the smell of weed and faded cologne in, feeling yourself get drunk off him; and just like that things were okay again for the time being.

***

Not even a week later you and Mingi were caught in a screaming match. “It’s not my fault these places don't pay me.” He argues.” You stared at him hard, feeling your eyes twitch from pure anger. “Actually it is your fault, cause you keep agreeing like a dumbass not knowing what you’re getting into. And you look even dumber buying more recording equipment that we clearly cannot afford.” This time you argued over the fact that he hadn’t gotten paid yet again, while he kept spending money on useless equipment. “Well it is my money.” Mingi retorts desperately trying to find a way to put this argument to bed. Your eyes were wide as you stared at him, you felt completely hopeless. “Well if it's your money then you find a way to pay for this apartment, and do everything yourself because I am leaving.”

In full panic, anger and everything in between you stormed into your shared room. You pull a pink duffle bag that your parents had gifted you and begin stuffing all the clothes and belongings you could fit. You run back into the kitchen and grab a trash bag to throw makeup, jewelry and shoes; everything else that couldn’t fit into the straining duffle bag.

You aggressively wipe your tears, pausing when you spot Mingi blocking the doorway. “Where are you going?” He asks, his eyes slightly wide, “I don’t want to be here anymore” You mumbled, attempting to zip up the bag that was clearly too over filled. He shakes his head, panic rising within him, he comes close to you and you step back. He shakes his head rapidly, “You’re not leaving me!” He screams, making you flinch. His breathing is heavy, tears pooling in his eyes. “Please baby, I’m sorry. You’re right, okay, you’re right.” He begs, big hands reaching for yours but you pull back.

“Mingi…stop it, I’m tired of the excuses okay? I‘m tired.” You say quietly. You eyes can’t meet his, scared that you were going to change your mind. “I just don’t see us going anywhere anymore…” His brows furrow at your words, “what are you talking about.” He whimpers,

“Stop it!” You yell, he takes a step back startled at your loudness. “Stop acting like you don’t see how shitty our lives are. I need you to get your shit together please.” You wipe the tears that are still running down your cheeks, “Be realistic for once Mingi.” You grab your duffel to which Mingi grips onto the traps as well, blocking you off from the door. “Let go.” You grit, yanking the bag from his grip. He stumbles back slightly. He watches you leave, eyesight blurry from the salty liquid, “you’ll be b-back.” He chokes up. But he actually wasn’t sure about that anymore.

Mingi fell in love with you from the second he saw you, you were just so…you. It was a feeling he couldn’t describe. He always knew the thing he liked the most about you two as a pair was the fact that you were so opposite. He had tattooed his hands and neck with some of the prettiest tattoos you had ever seen. He always wore rings that decorated his big hands all pretty, and of course the staple that was his black polish.

You on the other hand were so clean for lack of a better word. The colors you wore were always as bright as the sky on a sunny day, in contrast to Mingi’s daily color palette. You were like a breath of fresh air, and he wanted you, he craved you. Eventually he got you, the road was rough with your parent’s disapproval and what not, but you two persevered; he got you to move in with him and his plans on making it big in the music industry were definitely going, except he was getting nowhere; it was like a journey with no end.

Mingi felt that no matter what he tried, however he tried it, there was always something in the way. He was paying for studio sessions, recording song after song to release and perform at gigs, and even though he spent loads of money on those studio fees he hoped for the day that he wouldn't have to worry about money anymore. But the process was easier said than done because he knew how tired you were of him not being able to give it a rest. Aside from all of that and being aware of your feelings he always thought you’d stick around for a bit longer for him to show you he could do it.

He saw the way he had drained the life out of you, your once glowy skin had been replaced by dullness. Your once vibrant eyes had turned sad accompanied by dark circles and bags. He had ruined you.

***

Today marks 1 month since you left. Mingi had been rotting away in his apartment, only leaving the house to work, then coming back, showering, eating whatever he could find and going to bed. He had lost count of how many times he had called and texted you. But it seemed that you had blocked him. He didn’t know what to do with himself, he hadn’t spoken to his friends or gone out in a while. He’d cut himself off completely. “Get your shit together.” Your words echoed, your pretty face stained with tears as you looked up with hurt in your eyes ingrained in his brain.

Mingi laid on the couch, eyes dazed off into space from the blunt he had smoked. When all of a sudden…“Mingi?” A voice called faintly in his head, “Jesus Mingi.” The voice said again except this time he felt hands shake him. He looked at his friend who removed him from the daydream.

“What the hell is going on man? I’ve been trying to reach you.” Yunho said desperately, “I thought you were dead.” The panicked friend said, looking around with wide eyes at the mess in the apartment. “She- she left.” Mingi mumbles, sticking his face into his hands. Yunho’s face softens, “oh-.” Had he known, he would have approached him in a more gentle manner.

“I’m sorry Mingi.” It’s the only thing that comes to mind. Awkward silence fills the air, Yunho having no idea what else to say. “How’s it going?” Mingi suddenly asks. Yunho shrugs, “some group that played frequently at Cyberpunk Club got a record deal a couple weeks back. You’ve missed a lot man.” At Yunho’s words, Mingi’s heart drops, of course, he thought. It would never be him, and now that you were gone it didn’t matter to him anymore; he’d given up.

Mingi sniffles slightly, standing up and adjusting his dark jeans, “I have work in an hour so imma head out now.” He didn’t mean to be dismissive but he couldn’t bear thinking about his losses right now. The dark haired man stands up, a perplexed look on his face. “Oh right, well there’s a party tonight let me know if you’ll be there. It could be good, you know, to get out of the house for a while.” Yunho wears a tight lipped smile searching Mingi’s face for some type of life or excitement but he gets nothing. “Yeah I’ll let you know.” Yunho waves goodbye and closes the door quietly behind him leaving Mingi with his thoughts again. He grabs his phone and dials you again, your call has been forwarded to automated vo- he hangs up, annoyance rising up within him. It was pointless now, you weren’t going to speak to him ever again, he accepted defeat and grabbed the small backpack he always carried to work and headed over.

The strip mall was busy, no surprise as it was only Saturday. The customers came in periodic waves, right now Mingi sat in boredom as a single customer sat in the shop sipping on her smoothie. Mingi rests his chin in the palm of his hand, scrolling through your instagram. You may have blocked his number but you had forgotten him on social media. In that moment he’s about to message you when suddenly a loud cackle catches his attention. He looks up expecting to see a random person walking by, but his heart drops when he spots you. As always you were dressed in light colors, you looked good, you looked better. His heart sinks lower, bile rising up his throat the longer you lingered outside with your group of friends.

Your glow had returned, you looked so alive and happy; he was selfish so in a way he hated that. This was his chance to speak to you, since you had been neglecting him for so long now, not even bothering to come by to pick up some of the stuff you had left behind. He hops off the stool, smoothening down the apron he wore. He steps outside, the door opening catching your attention, your face falls at the slightly disheveled state of your once lover.

Your friends all fall silent, eyes drifting between Mingi and you. “Um, I’ll catch up to you guys, give me a sec.” You say, the closest girl standing to you, places her hand on your forearm. “Hey ar-” she starts but you wave her off, “it’s okay, I’ll catch up.” You say plastering a smile. You watch as your friends walk away, when there’s decent distance between you and them you turn to Mingi.

“Mingi-.” You looked up at him with big eyes, a wave of sadness overcoming you. “Hey, glad to know you’re doing okay. Also didn’t know you had guards now.” He says. He doesn’t mean for it to come out sounding aggressive but it does. Surprise flashes in your face momentarily at his harsh tone, but could you blame him?

Deciding you didn’t want to deal with this you turn around to walk away but he stops you, wrapping his hand around your bicep. “Wait, I’m sorry. I’ve been on edge.” He apologizes, you nod silently, waiting for him to continue.

“I just want to talk about…us.” Mingi pleads with big eyes, you pause for a moment. Your eyes linger on the clear lid of your coffee cup, when you don’t say anything Mingi proceeds. “I just wish you’d given me a chance to talk it out with you, but you just upped and left.” He sounds slightly irritated, and that’s when you crack, “no disrespect Mingi, but that’s very audacious of you. Every single argument or discussion we've had about this you have told me the same thing yet you don’t bother to change it. My patience ran thin.”

Mingi tongues his cheek, sticking his hands in his pockets and looking out into the parking lot; deep down he knew you were right. He stays silent for a moment, your words hanging in the air, “I just want you back, we can work on it together.” You shake your head, when he sees you take a step back his hands reach out for you again, hovering above your shoulders, never quite making contact, “don’t leave please.” He begged, people walking by turned to look at the exchange. “Mingi.” You whisper yell looking around slightly embarrassed at the unnecessary attention. “Can we not do this?”

“Come over so we can talk please. At least give me that and I won’t bother you again.” He promises, but you and him both knew it was a lie. “No matter how much I want to get back with you, I won’t until you get your shit together.” You remind him, “and about me coming over…I don’t know.” Mingi frowns at your words, “do you have someone else already is that it?” You’re shocked at the way he jumps to conclusions. “Mingi that is not it, it’s just…kind of weird if we are trying to get over each other.” He rolls his eyes, “speak for yourself, but I’m not trying to get over you. I won’t stop until I get you alone at least one more time. There’s so much we need to talk about.” You wanted to stand on business but for some reason he always had you giving in. You toss your head back, a slight groan ripping from your throat. You nod your head ‘yes’, swallowing hard and meeting his eyes, “okay.” Your voice is airy from slight nerves.

He watches your back as you walk away from him once more; except this time under different circumstances. When he steps back into the smoothie shop, his face drops at the scowl his manager gives him and the long line of customers waiting for their order to be taken. “Glad to know you resolve your relationship problems while on the clock.” The stubby man says to him.

After his shift Mingi flops on his bed, he closes his eyes, the clear picture of your face behind his eyelids, and he smiles sheepishly. You two had left it that you’d be the one letting him know when you were free given your tight schedule. Mixed in with his happiness is a tinge of anger and fear. Anger because suddenly you didn’t have time for him and fear because he didn’t want you seeing anyone else, you could’ve been lying about that for all he knew. He whips his phone out when it vibrates, hoping it’d be you but it’s Yunho telling him to come to the party. He dials your number for a second time that day and when it goes straight to voicemail the slight happiness he felt fades away. Why hadn’t you unblocked him? He wonders. His mind races, desperately looking for reasons to feel better but when nothing comes to mind he gets up abruptly and changes out of his work clothes and into a casual outfit.

***

Now here was Mingi at a random house party, a girl on one side of him as he conversed with Wooyoung Yunho, and Hongjoong. “I heard your ex girl moved into a nice ass apartment in the city.” Wooyoung says, peeling a pistachio and tossing it in his mouth. He looks at Mingi waiting for him to say something but he keeps his reaction bottled in, she didn’t mention that, he thinks. Yunho slaps Wooyoung’s arm, bringing a hand under his chin and waving it, signaling Wooyoung to cut it out. “Sensitive topic I see,” Yunho rolls his eyes as the shorter man keeps nagging on. “Nah it doesn’t matter.” Mingi suddenly says, one of his hands traveling further down to rest on the random girl's waist. Mingi felt disappointed in himself, angry that the girl next to him wasn’t you. But since you had yet to unblock him, he figured you wouldn’t anyway and said a big fuck it to the universe and got himself a temporary distraction.

Wooyoung smirks, “yeah it’s probably daddy’s money.” He says, Mingi chuckles, sipping on his beer, “definitely daddy’s money.” Mingi disses; Yunho looks at him with a confused expression, this was the same man that was crying over you a couple hours ago.

“Crazy you were hitting that Mingi, should’ve kept her around if she has big bucks like that.” At Wooyoung’s words, Mingi’s face drops, “you better fucking watch it.” He points a finger at the dark haired man. “Who gives a shit man you’re not with her anymore.” He presses on, Mingi stands up and leaves. Yunho shakes his head at Wooyoung. “Shut the fuck up rat, you always ruin everything.” He spits, Wooyoung chuckles, sinking into the worn down couch sipping on his beer, clearly satisfied at the reaction.

Mingi walks home not taking a second longer to process what was said at the party. He felt icky at the fact that he had even gone. He hated the way they spoke about you, if only they knew how he truly felt for you maybe they wouldn’t have said that. To him you were more than a gorgeous face, more than sex more than anything physical; you were the love of his life.

***

A couple of days after the encounter with Mingi at the mall, you sat on your couch, phone in hand, contemplating whether you wanted to call him or not. You knew how Mingi was, it was clear he was desperate and since you had taken a while to reach out to him the poor guy was losing it. In all honesty you were afraid that talking to him again would have you going back and history would repeat itself. After breaking up with him the first couple of weeks sucked. You stayed in bed all day, dazed off in class and took multiple breaks during your lectures to cry in the bathroom. You missed him so much, and a month later you still did, but you were better; like a heavy load was lifted off your shoulders. You hated that this was the reality you had to face, no matter how much you craved him and wanted him back, it was not ideal.

You sighed, placing your head in your hands, “I just have to do it.” You whispered, hyping yourself up. Here’s my address, just let the front desk person you’re here to see me, they’ll let you through. See you at 5. You pressed send, hands shaking slightly. You felt your lunch coming back up, a pit forming within you. You took a shower, dressed in something cute and casual, why were you getting ready? You had no idea, actually you did, you just liked lying to yourself.

“Good afternoon miss, Song Mingi is here to see you.” The front desk person said into the phone, “that’s okay let him through.” You reply, hanging up and wiping your clammy hands on your pants.

Pounding on your door makes you jump slightly. When you pull the door open Mingi stands there. “Oh hey.” You greet in a breathy tone trying your best to be casual, you pull the door open wider. He steps through, immediately looking around at your apartment that was nowhere near close to what your shared space looked like. “Nice place.” He says admiring the art decorating the walls, and gawking at the view into the city.

While he was busy with that you took a second to drink him. As always he was dressed in dark colors, you could tell he had messily applied some eyeliner and shadow on his eyes, adding to the grunge look he sported. He looked extremely good, and you wanted to slap yourself. “Thank you, my parents helped me out.” You locked the door and followed him further into the living room area. “Okay Mingi, I don’t mean to sound hasty but why are you truly here?” You looked at him curiously, interested in what he had to say and praying it wasn’t the same bull crap he’d said many times before. “I want you back.” He said boldly, “Min-.” He suddenly stands up, looming over your sitting form, your eyes go wide with surprise, “no! You don’t understand how much I need you in my life. I’ve been fucking miserable since you left. You got me reflecting on my entire fucking existence. Trying to figure out what I can do to fix this. I’m in love with you, you know that already, but I’m convinced you’re the love of my life and I'd be willing to give up my music if that means I get to have you back.” You sat there speechless, your legs and arms completely numb feeling like you weren't allowed to move. The man who always felt sheepish speaking his emotions to you was suddenly boasting in your living room about how you were the love of his life and you didn’t know what to do. He stares at you with puppy eyes, waiting for you to say something, his face falling at your extended silence. You stand up to face him, your soft hands coming up to his flushed cheeks. You watch him melt into your touch, “I know that right now I’m not really worth it. But please let me show you.” He opens his eyes back up, his big brown orbs boring into yours.

Your teeth sink into your pink lips and you nod up at him. You push on your tippy toes and he leans down to meet your lips; you had folded. Large hands come to grip your biceps to pull you slightly back. You fall back flat on your feet looking up at him with that stare that always drove him insane, the very one he fell in love with way back when. He pulls you back in, pressing his lips against yours again, the kiss grows hungrier as the seconds tick by.

He’s tugging on your sweatpants that were a size too big, easily sliding them off you. They pool at your feet, his hands come and grip on the flesh of your ass, his cold rings leaving a slight indentation on the supple skin. You groan into his mouth, enjoying the feeling of him all over you. “Mingi.” You whimper, pulling away from him to look into his dark eyes, “did you miss me princess?” He coos lowly, you pout and nod all morals gone out the door; you just wanted him.

You didn’t care about your decision on the status of your relationship or if this would be the last time you saw him like this, that could all wait; what mattered was right now. He pulls you along with him, he freely navigates your apartment, finding your bedroom with no problem. He kisses you again, cornering you into the bed, his large hands cup your face pulling you as close as he could. You grip his wrists pulling them away from your face and pushing him slightly back to take off the bleach designed hoodie he wore. His necklaces fall back against his smooth chest as he pulls the thick hoodie off. He tosses the item somewhere in the carpet of the room before eagerly pulling your tank top off. You sink to your knees, your heart pounding in your chest.

He looks down at you, the liner and shadow somehow making him ten times more attractive. Your thighs press together, your fragile fingers working over time to get the belt off, the buckle is so thick you struggle to undo it. Finally unbuttoning his pants and pulling them down his cock bounces fully erect from the makeout. His hand slides up and down the expanse of his thick cock, “open.” He murmurs, guiding it between your parted lips.

The sheer size stretches your mouth as far as it can go, you fully struggle to take him in. The longer your mouth is open, the more spit pools. You wrap your lips around the tip and suck lightly, coating him in your slobber. Slowly you take him further until he hits the back of your throat, you gag slightly and he groans. His fingers brush your hair back, watching as you struggle to take him all the way back, “good girl baby. Just a little bit more for me.” He says gently placing a hand on the crown of your head to push further into your mouth. You gag again, tears stinging your eyes and spit running down your chin and neck, soaking the edge of the bra you wore. He bucks slightly when you flatten your tongue to run deliciously on the underside of him.

The more your tongue runs on him the more spit coats him, he lets out a choked breath at the sudden change, speeding up his hips slightly until your hands delicately press against his thighs to push back. A thick string of saliva connects from your lips to his tip, finally breaking off when you pull further away. You suck in a breath, trying to calm down the nausea roaming in your stomach from your gag reflex. “You okay?” Mingi hums cupping your wet chin to look up at him. You nod and he smiles, you take him back in your mouth, your small hand working on what you couldnt fit. You take him down your throat. His breathing picks up once again, eyes rolling to the back of his head, when you try to pull back he holds you still. The thick head of his cock lodged in your throat. Finally he lets you pull away, leaving you practically wheezing for air. He helps you up and you rest your back on the bed. Mingi hovers above you, his eyes taking you in as if he hadn’t seen this view a hundred times before, but he always made sure to appreciate it. Mingi tugs your bra down the undergarment now resting around your waist, he plays with the hard buds but you needed him now, so you pull him onto you. Ignoring you were still in your underwear you move it to the side desperately, as if you didn’t have all the time in the world. You take him in your hand guiding him into your wet hole.

He looks down looking where you two would be connecting. Pushing in, you grimace at the slight burn from not having him in you for a long time. You squirm the more he goes in. He holds you down, fully diving into you, “shhh it’s okay baby, you’re taking me so well. My good girl.”

When he hits your hilt you groan, “Mingi please.” He looks at your already fucked out face. He sets a brutal pace, your eyes roll when he hits a particularly sensitive spot. You moan loudly, panting from the lewd activity. Your mouth drops open, and your back arches, his grip on your waist tightens as he pulls you to meet his hips. Your eyes roll back, nails desperately digging into his strong forearms. One of his hands drops from your waist, his tattooed fingers coming up to your mouth. They feel heavy on your wet tongue, he speeds up dragging his fingers out and running his hand down your chin to let it rest on your throat. Your body jolts with every single thrust, inching slightly up the bed every time his hips meet yours.

Mingi’s mind's going a million miles per hour, but at the same time he can't focus on anything else but you under him. He suddenly feels a wave of anger wash over him. His hand tightening on your throat causing your breath to hitch. You felt so high and far away, his dominance causing another rush of slickness to come out of you. “Listen to yourself. So fucking wet.” He groans, pistoning his hips into you. He was angry, angry at mostly himself, but also angry at the thought of you leaving him and finding someone else. “You’re not made for anyone else but me.” He pants, he was selfish with you, you were his everything, and he wanted to make sure you knew; even if this was the last time he’d get to have you like this. “Mi-Mingi, fuck.” You gasp, he suddenly pulls out and urgently flips you on your belly. He hikes your hips up, pulling the ruined cotton panties down and pressing on your back to deepen the arch. He enters you again, sliding in easily. At this point you felt incoherent, all you felt was him. His cock head hits the spongy spot deep within you, it leaves you trembling and seeing stars.

You whimper loudly into the plush sheets beneath you, trying to clutch onto something for dear life. “Good fucking girl baby. Take it, y-you’re doing such a good job.” You gasp at his lewd words. You felt so full, like you could burst at any moment, “fucking play with yourself slut. Make yourself cum all over my dick.” At his words your shaky hand reaches between your legs, pressing your clit the way you liked. You suddenly feel so aware of the sensations coursing through your body, from the feeling of Mingi’s heavy hands and rings on your warm skin to the delicious stretch of his cock, you were close to seeing god.

“You’re about to cum huh baby?” He asks with a mocking tone, “yes Mingi yes, I’m- cum, I’m gon-.” Your words die in your mouth as he clutches onto your hips driving himself into you, your hands reach back to rest on his pubic area trying to get him to slow down, instead he grabs your wrists and pulls you slightly off the bed. He pistons his hips hard, hitting your spot repeatedly, before suddenly slowing down and focusing on deepening himself, the pressure of his cock nestled against your cervix is enough to send you over. Your vision goes white and your ears begin to ring. “Fuck- fuck.” Mingi moans, he cums, unloading himself deep within your velvety walls. He holds your shaking frame, keeping himself warm in you.

When you open your eyes, your vision is slightly hazy, you squint to focus on your surroundings. You turn your head to look at the man who was still deep in you. His gaze is on the ceiling, still recovering from his orgasm. His breathing becomes labored, he sucks in small breaths looking back down at you, you notice the tears pooling in his eyes. Your gaze softens, “Mingi oh my god.” You say softly, your arms come under you to push yourself up. His flaccid cock slips out of you. You cup his face, turning him to look at you. “Hey why are you crying?” You ask even though you had an idea as to why. He sniffles, looking down at the floor, his arms wrap around your waist and he pulls you into him.

“Mingi?” You insist, you needed him to say something, anything. “I just don’t know if this is the last time I'll see you. Have you like this, and be this close to you. I don’t think you understand how badly I don’t want to lose you.” He cries into your moistened skin and suddenly you don’t know what to say or do. “I love you Mingi.” It’s the first thing that slips out, he looks up all doe eyed. “Come here,” you say, flipping the duvet to slip under it. He follows suit, you ignore the wetness that has now smeared all over your inner thighs. Your head comes to rest on his chest, fingers playing with the stacked chains around his neck. “I love you baby, but please say something.” He whispers, sniffling slightly. “Hey relax,” you whisper, propping yourself up to look at him. Your hands run through his dark hair, “I’m not going anywhere.”

Now here you were laying in bed once again with the person that had once ruined you emotionally, yet you couldn’t let him go. You didn’t know what was going to happen, but that was tomorrow's problem.

Taglist: @byuntrash101

#ateez smut #mingi smut #hongjoong smut #jongho smut #san smut #seonghwa smut #wooyoung smut #yeosang smut #yunho smut #smut #kpop smut

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dream-ofme · 14 days

Text

i love you

i feel sick to my stomach

i haven’t eaten the whole week

i deadass start to eat..but i can’t finish it or i have to force myself to eat and then i just end up feeling sick

i feel physical pain in my chest and in my heart when i think about losing you forever

when i think about you with her

and truly if you don’t want us then i will go and i will have to be okay with that

but hearing one thing and then hearing somthing else and seeing one thing and seeing something else

this shit is eating me alive

bc deep down i want it to be us

i thought i could get over by getting with someone else

and now i just feel shitty, it’s way too soon bc i still feel like this

and i want you to reach out

like email me or somthing lollll

i want you to change

for yourself

and for me but not for anyone else

i want you to better yourself and feel good bc deep down every person deserves that if they can put the work behind it and fix their genuine behavior

forgiveness is something that will come through time and healing

for the both of us, you need room to forgive yourself and i need time to forgive myself

and hopefully you can forgive me

and one day i will forgive you

healing is long and difficult and painful. but it’s eye opening

and i want all of that with you

i know what i said

and i still stand by it

out of anger or not, your actions are beyond wrong and i had every right to feel everything i did in that moment

especially since i lost my entire life in one night

i know we can’t be together right now

believe me when i say i don’t want that

but i want to grow for you and i want you to grow for me

and one day i want to find you again and we try it all over again from scratch

“hi nice to meet you”

i’ll re introduce myself bc i’ll be a new person

and you’ll tell me your name all over again like it’s not already written all over my heart

it’s pathetic how bad i care about you even after everything you did to me

it hurts me i don’t understand why i can’t walk away from you

it’s killing me every minute

i say i’m good. and i am i really am

but i wish you were here to see me happy

to cheer me on

to succeed with me

i only want that with you

people say i need to respect myself more

and i can agree

i’ve put up with shit and lost myself trying to love you

trying to fix you

now i know i can’t be the one to fix you

no one can, you have to want it bad enough for yourself

and i hope you do, but i hope you’ll still see me in your future when you’re done growing

i know i can’t control the outcome in this

and that’s what scares me the most

my whole life i’ve always been sure of everything

sure of myself

sure of what i like what i do how to dress

sure of my plans and my future

and even though my plans and ideas have changed throughout life, i’ve never been unsure about believing myself

but this…it’s like walking blindly

i want to keep walking down this path even though it’s scary and i can’t see anything

but if it means i’ll lose you forever i’m willing to go down this path of unsureness just one more time

and hope to see you as the light at the end of the tunnel

i’m rooting for you

even though i can’t tell you this

i want to tell you this so bad

i want to tell you everything

i miss you

a lot

and i shouldn’t but i really can’t help my feelings

i never felt like i had low self respect and if i go back to you people will see me as that person

shit, even you might too

but i just don’t fucking get it

my soul wants you

and the more i fight it

the more pain i feel

i can’t loose you

i’m my soul feels intertwined with yours

and even though you may not feel the same way

it’s so hard to untangle myself from you

i want you in this life

and in every other one too

in another life maybe we did it right the first time

in another life maybe we’re good and healthy for each other

but i’m this life we aren’t

we’re messy we’re toxic we’re bad

but what if in this life were just supposed to grow

and meet again

i feel like i’ve made you this promise in another life

but i said i’ll go where you go

and i’ll always look for you

and i’m this life i found you again

and it’s hard…so fucking hard

but losing you means i’ll never see you again in any life

i wouldn’t just be suffering in this universe

but in every other one to come

and i wish you knew

i wish i got to tell you

break ups are hard

but i feel like i lost the other half of me

i don’t want to move on

i want to love you

i just do. i don’t even have to try

and no i won’t put up with any more disrespect

but i hope you’ll heal and better yourself

so i won’t have to

trusting you is something that’s never worked out in my favor yet i keep doing it

i’m not actively trying to

i genuinely do

even after it all

i trust you’ll heal and learn and cope and become a better person

this is a dark period for you, but it’s not the end of your life.

i’m praying everyday that you’ll reach back out to me

and if you do

i don’t know how to tell you this

or if it’ll just scare you away even more

but i’m scared that if too much time goes by you’ll realize you’re better off without me.

and i’ll be okay…but my life wouldn’t be what i truly wanted it to be

i’ll be looking for you in everyone and everything

i won’t beg again

but i hope our souls find its way back to

each other

0 notes

whalefall-house · 2 months

Text

wargh surgery and life musings and mental health thingy

it feels like anticipating a Birth, like that rebirth if the self, like how much this surgery Will Literally be a signature, near final stage of my psyche calming down and the world not being So Hard All The Time. Like personally my transition has like no 'end', i am a constant, but shit dog this is such a massive step to let this chapter close. but im still so nervous(not right emotion but best to word) abt having this surgery done that it has such a doom-shaking-earth-shattering feeling, serious fomo, like. No i do Not Regret m steps or taking them or regret getting this done, it is just like. Scary feeling how clear my mind gets when im not out of it or in pain All of the time like i usually am, and I want it to Stop. So its amazing for sooner rather than later, but I cannot even find comofrt in my top surgery coming as ive told others "i will Not feel Good until im waking up" bc i have no trust, and I am So scared of this not going through. even w affirmations of medical staff and even w them understanding theyre like. hey thats not healthy and ur noided self is just getting more noided and im like ik!! i promise ik im trying but im so scared and know if this Doesnt go through im going to have Another earth shattering breakdown and I do not think thatll be a depressive swing ill be able to get out of. I am pregnant with myself and I dont want to be, and I am at the mercyof this skin of my cocoon bursting which is out of my control. I am in control until I am Not, and I do not like being not in control of myself. idk. its overwhelming feeling so Good and True and it Freaks me out, then i have a freak out, disassociate, melt and loathe and melt and yearn and freak, then collapse, then back again, and most times without the Good at the end of that tunnel. ive also never been flat even w any type of binding method so idk what i look like flat!!! which is scary to think of the outcome of, like i rlly dont know what i look like under there. I am not scared of the Self, it is just such an Unknown and in my loneliness I do not know what to turn or where to go or what. doesnt help im e/f cup (thot i was dd that was debunked massive l for me) so it is Constant pain, constant Showing, and for Me i am Not a fan of it. I love all of me I just want it to be not so painful to live All of the time. i cup my cheeks and stroke with callused thumbs. i need a bear hug as strong as my own to encapsulate me like a second skin. woof.

#liquid.txt #no real tw just frustrated

0 notes

andthebubbles · 2 years

Text

duuuuuude omgggg what was thaaaaat wkjfdjkghfdkjgfkghjkfhg

okay so the first bit was pretty dull imo (though the ambushes/traps they laid were pretty cool, although i was pretty sure for the second attack the orcs were doing the trap this time), mostly cause i don’t like arondir and bronwyn and theo, but when the númenoreans rocked up it suddenly got interesting heheheh

i like all the númenoreans!!! i don’t want any of them to die. esp elendil (okay i can’t remember what happened to him actually i do remember /facepalm/ lol), isildur (well, we know what happens to him rip), his two friends (one name escapes me atm and the other one is half escaping me) and eärien. not too fond of the queen or pharazon, but hey.

um. HALBRAND. the actor is really good and the character is just still FASCINATING and

OOH. how did the broken sword/key thing get replaced with the axe??? did halbrand do it perhaps? on the other hand, perhaps he didn’t at all, because adar could’ve handed off the real thing to any orc he passed whilst escaping, so...

also it’s still really funny that halbrand is king of the southlands with next to no proof ksjnfgkjfngkfnknfkg i mean REALLY he could’ve just taken that thing off a dead man like he said he did skjfkgjnfkg like, this is the fastest way to get rich and get treated like royalty and have your own army, i guess

i really liked galadriel and adar’s chat because seriously she sounded as insane as he did. and i mean, yeah, i get it when adar was like ‘don’t they deserve a home too’ (not actually what he said bc i can’t remember, but yeah) because... i guess they do??? in a way lmao, idk

btw the bit where theo was uncomfortable with his guilt, and also that he felt ~powerful, i totally predicted that word/said it out loud before he said it and i was like YAS

okay yeah anyway!! that ep was pretty exciting except for the various bouts of cheesiness and crappy dialogue lines, mostly at the start of the ep. the fight scenes looked great, the series is more brutal than the lotr films (you know, that scene where they started killing people in the tavern) and hmmmmm oh yeahhh why the fuck was galadriel just standing there watching the ash (?) cloud come right at her at the end of the ep lol (but i guess halbrand will save her SKJDNKG)

i can’t wait to see the gifs from this ep. also, there was this one unintentionally funny moment (but also totally cool) where a horse in the background dipped its head?? or something. and it was just really funny with the dialogue going on/about to happen. i wonder if someone will gif it. i don’t even remember where that scene was anymore

anyway look how much i rambled!!! shows how excited i was about most of this ep. i also did predict that the sword shard/key thing was replaced with a piece of wood (mostly because of my knowledge that this is ep 6 out of 8 and they’re in a story LOL), and well, it turned out to be an axe, but that’s effectively the same thing i guess. can’t wait to read theories about how it was swapped out. either adar did it himself, or halbrand did it with his ~sleight of hand schtick. mmmm am excited!!! would be fitting if he’s sauron anyway since he’s ~king of the southlands

ETA:

oh yeah the TUNNEL they were digging and the water flowed through it and made mt doom explode and it ALL JUST CAME TOGETHER

also i liked that they used the villagers for bait in the village... like it’s terrible but smart. i like it

ETA2:

at the start i wasn’t sure about galadriel/her character, but now... i’m a bit more sure but also still unsure lol. like, i get that they’re giving her a character arc and she’ll eventually be zen with some scary!face moments, and it IS like a thousand years (iirc?) before she reaches that point, so... i get it... but on the other hand as someone who’s very old... i feel like she could still be angry and vengeful but also have a bit more ... weightiness to her... maybe i’d just like her to be darker lol, like you see for an instant in lotr1. also, some more arrogance would suit her nicely ahaha ... hm actually that is already kind of in the show, like when she rocked up on númenor and started demanding stuff in front of everyone’s salad, but for some reason it came off as less arrogant and more lacking in diplomatic skills. hmmmmm not sure why

#rop #rop spoilers #for ep 6 #ramble.txt

0 notes

erectionsandtea · 3 years

Text

Poly party summer fun headcanons, part 2 ! 😀 (this got way too long so I’m posting it as it is, and if I get more ideas, or if you guys want to send me anything 😉, I’ll either reblog this post or make a new one.) Enjoy!

(part 1 can be found here)

Amusement park: (these are based on amusement parks I have been to since they're all I know, lol)

IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER

- they go early so they can do everything (twice) but they also stay until it gets dark bc El wants to see all the lights

- one of her favorite rides is the big ship that swings back and forth because it feels like flying

- Max, Lucas, and Dustin take El on her first roller coaster ride, and it's super scary but she also loves it (Robin and Nancy go, too)

Lucas and Dustin scream like little girls on the roller coaster and become the butt of many jokes about it (most of them from Max)

Max and Lucas would totally try to kiss for the roller coaster camera (idk why okay, stop me) but the photo would look absolutely ridiculous and Max’s hair is fuckin EvERYWHERE

El uses some of her money to buy a copy of the photo (she buys a copy of their photo from every ride, it's a lot of money, but the others help her out with it), and when she gets home, Will helps her make a collage of all the photos that she puts up in her room

- El also wants caricatures, but they don't have enough money for everyone (so she just gets one of herself). Will watches the artist, who gives him tips on how to do it so he can draw some for El later (and he totes does bc good brother vibes)

- they do the ferris wheel last bc it is super romantic (even more so at night), and everyone wants to go with everyone else. Max wants to go up every time someone else does bc she wants to try to spy on them, lol

Groups, in order from side to other side (sitting, not riding order):

for her very first time: Max/El/Mike (her two bffs, aka her bf and gf)

Mike/Will

Max/Lucas

Dustin/Suzie

El/Max/Lucas

El/Mike/Will

El/Mike

El/Max

the guy running the ferris wheel is just like “you kids again???” bc they keep just getting off the ride and going straight to the back of the line to go up again, but eventually they have to stop bc the park is literally about to close and they’ll be kicked out

- there's also a haunted house ride and El absolutely has to ride with Mike bc when she is scared or feels like she's in danger, he's always been the best at making her feel okay again. She clings to him throughout the ride, but ends up laughing at how cheesy not-scary most of the effects are.

- as exhilarating as the drop rides are, El doesn’t like going on them too much but she can do it like, once. maybe twice.

- Lucas and Max, and Dustin and Will, like that ride that’s like the ferris wheel except you’re in a cage and you can manipulate the cage (by spinning it and stuff) to take you upside down. Dustin and Max do it too much, like to an extreme, and Will and Lucas are like “stop, the world is literally spinning” and they’re very disoriented when they get off

- there’s a rapids ride, and since the rafts are big enough to hold 8 people, the whole party is able to go together in one, and then the teens can go together in another one. they totally get sprayed by bystanders.

- there's a shooting game (like where you go through a tunnel on a track, and targets pop up and you shoot them)

Lucas is the best and El rides with him bc the best should introduce the newbie, and she has so much fun, it's nothing like the guns she's experienced in her previous (lab) life.

Max and Dustin fight really hard to be second best.

Mike and Will go together and compared to the others, they suck, but that's okay they have fun anyway, and they joke about their own terribleness.

- Dustin buys those deep-fried snacks (you know the ones I mean) and he is literally the only person in the group that likes them (okay, not true, Robin can handle them, too)

El, against the advice of the others, wants to try those snacks bc she’s never heard of anything like that before, and the first time she takes a bite, her face goes through a range of like 10 emotions bc she’s being assaulted by flavors-

but after she manages to swallow it, she’s like “wow, that was amazing” and the others are like “...you serious??”

Mike is just like “that is disgusting and I’m not kissing you after that lol” and El is just like “but...why?” (he totes does tho, he doesn’t give a f, he’s kissing his gf bc he just can’t resist the cuteness)

Nancy, even though she doesn’t necessarily like it, can totally handle taking a bite and finishing it (like that beer from season 1) and Robin is like “that’s impressive, band geek” and Nancy’s just like “I’m not in band” (idk lol)

- El wanting to try EVERY food but the others have to cut her off bc it’s so expensive and she will get so sick

- Mike being a good bf and holding souvenirs bought by his bf and gf (Will totally buying a sweet little something for his awesome mom) (El totally doing the same thing to remind herself of Hopper, but she keeps it in her room instead)

- Lucas also being a good bf for the same reason but complaining about it, lol

- everyone goes on the log ride (you might know it as the flume) bc there isn’t a person on earth who doesn’t like that ride, and even tho she knows about the impending splash, El is still super surprised when it happens

Groups, in order (front to back):

El, Mike, Max, and Lucas (Max is explaining to El over Mike’s shoulder that “you absolutely HAVE TO be in the front, it’s the best way”)

Suzie, Dustin, Steve, and Robin (irrelevant but don’t tell me Robin sits in front of Steve, there’s no fuckin way, she’s not his gf, also Steve and Dustin just have to sit together bruh)

Will, Dustin (bc obvsly he goes on again), Nancy, and Jonathan

Mike has his arms around El like he thinks he’s going to protect her from the huge spray of water (but his skinny arms won’t protect shit lol) and he somehow manages to make a decent photo come out of him kissing her cheek while she is simultaneously screaming (good screaming)

- everyone loves the bumper cars (Jonathan and Suzie hang back tho, to hold everyone’s stuff and cheer from the side)

Max, as the only one (sans teens) who has actually driven a car before, rides with El so she can teach her how to do it

her and Lucas (with his passenger Will) are automatically in competition with one another (”you’re going down!” “no, YOU’RE going down!”)

Robin, riding by herself, goes after Steve and driver Nancy (who’s surprisingly good at this)

and Dustin (passenger Mike) gangs up with Robin to take on Steve and Nancy, which makes Nancy even more determined now to destroy both of them

Steve’s a little afraid of Nancy when she’s like this, lol

eventually Dustin and Robin are like “okay okay, we’ll stop! jesuschrist, how did you get so good at this??” (but also they are just in total awe of Nancy) and they just go after each other instead

- El doesn’t like spinning rides (too dizzy and they totally make her tummy “feel weird, like there’s a storm in it” “uh oh, you’re nauseous, El” “naw-shus?” “yeah, like sick, here, sit down for a minute”), but Will loves them and he’s there for her

- the sky ride (the one that takes you from end of the park to the other), groups:

Mike and Will on one side, Max and El on the other (the seats are basically little cabins, seats for 4 people)

Lucas and Dustin on one side, Jonathan and Steve on the other

Robin on one side (she totally takes up the whole double space, putting her leg up), Nancy and Suzie on the other

- carousel ride! (during the day)

El wants the prettiest horse

Max gets the most badass thing which is like...a wolf??

Lucas and Dustin ride only bc there’s a game where you can try to throw rings into a hole while going around (they each get one in by pure luck but otherwise suck). they don’t really care what animals they get, they just need ones that move up and down. Dustin gets a cat with a fish in his mouth, and Lucas ends up just picking a rabbit before everything is taken and he doesn’t have a choice anymore. The others fuckin laugh at the image of Lucas riding a rabbit

Suzie gets another horse

Will gets a lion which doesn’t move up and down but he’s okay with that, he’s kinda just going bc everyone else is

Mike gets stuck with a horse bc he was at the back of the group and by the time he gets there, every other non-horse animal is taken (but they joke about how he should have gotten the non-moving giraffe, taken by Steve, bc it’s so tall and gangly like him lol)

Nancy gets a horse

Robin takes the wild boar bc “dude that is the most badass animal on a carousel I have ever seen!”

Jonathan stays behind, no matter how much the others beg, but he takes lots of really good pictures (including the one time Dustin gets the ring in the hole and then cheering, then also him and Lucas high-fiving, and the various couples exchanging really cute looks, and El having the best time ever bc she’s never been on one of these before)

they go on the carousel one more time near the end of the night and this time Jonathan gives in and rides with them, but he sits in one of the benches that’s just there for the parents), and he still takes pictures as best he can without getting up and moving

- photo booth photos! (I’ll leave the silly face ones up to your imagination)

El and Max (one super close hug with faces pressed together, one kiss, one silly faces, and one smiles)

Will and Mike, but Max and El totally burst in for like, the last 1.5 pictures, it doesn’t ruin them tho, Mike and Will just ignore them (one nice smiles bc they’re like “what do we do??”, one hug, one kiss being interrupted by the girls in the background, one candid laughing while the girls wave at the camera)

Will and Mike again (one candid of Mike holding the curtain shut to make sure no interruptions and Will laughing, one kiss (non-interrupted), one silly faces, one just being super cute and close together and leaning on each other)

Max and Lucas (one smiles, one kiss, one of her pretending to look tough by putting him in a headlock or putting a fist next to his face like a punch, one that was supposed to be funny faces but instead is her looking off to the side where Mike has opened the curtain and stuck his head (with his tongue out) in as revenge and Lucas with that look of “dude, really??” on his face)

Dustin and Suzie (one kiss, one smiles, one nose-to-nose, one super close together leaning on each other cute)

Mike and El (one smiles, one kiss, one of him like surprise-trying to pull her into his lap kind of thing idk and her just looking super surprised but happy but also Max is in the background ruining YET ANOTHER picture, and one candid of them giggling about the previous picture with their foreheads pressed together almost nose-to-nose)

Mike and El again bc she wants non-interrupted photos (one with her actually sitting in his lap this time (she did this beforehand so he wouldn’t scare her again with the surprise-pulling thing), one of them pretending to look all hoity-toity like super models, one with her arms around his neck and his arms around her waist and they’re all close and cute sort of candid, and one just like the last one except they’re looking at the camera and smiling)

Will and Mike and El (one with Mike in the middle while his gf and bf give him a kiss on each cheek, one with El hanging over Mike’s shoulders in sort of a half-piggyback and he and Will are laughing, one with Mike and Will kissing while El makes a funny face at the camera, one of them all making funny faces at the camera)

Max and El and Mike (one with El in the middle, Max’s arms are around her waist almost dipping her backwards, her legs are up in the air (as far up as they can go in the tiny booth) and her head is tilting back onto Mike’s shoulder with his arms around her shoulders and he’s pressing a kiss to her hair, one with El kissing Mike’s cheek while he and Max make funny faces, one with Max behind them and her arms over both of their shoulders pulling them all close and their faces squished together with this super big cheesy grin while Mike is laughing at El’s funny face, one with Mike and El kissing and Max sitting next to them making the 👌🏻 symbol and winking at the camera, bc she just has to get sassy)

Bonus, more teens:

- Robin takes Steve on all the crazy rides (aka drags him, makes him go, etc.) They both get a little sick, but for her it's totally worth it (for him...not so much)

- Dustin and Robin get along hella bc he joins them on the crazy rides and is just @steve like “what are you, a pussy?”

- Nancy has to remind Jonathan that the kids will be FINE, and they don't need to hover around them all evening, "let's go enjoy ourselves"

- Nancy likes roller coasters, CHAnGE mY MInD

- Steve and Robin totally scream when they go on the drop ride together, except Robin’s scream is more “holy shit, exhilarating and so exciting! whooooo!” while Steve’s is more “this is fun but also I’m totally gonna die!!”

- Steve is a boss at those games where you have to throw something at/into/onto a target and he wins a stuffed animal

- Robin is p decent at those games too, but she’s not a match for the king (she comes close though, they actually turn it into a competition to see who can win more stuff)

- Nancy kicks butt at that game where you shoot a spray of water and make the target thing rise to the top or race or whatever (any shooting game, really), you know what I mean (Jonathan fucking fails, sorry Jonathan)

- Steve totally wins that game where you swing a mallet and try to ring the bell. Robin doesn’t win but she gets way closer than they thought she would and Steve’s “wtf”. Dustin is also stronger than he looks, and even tho he doesn't win, he can at least lift the (smaller) mallet, which is more than any of the others can do.

- Robin HAS to do that game where you try to climb the flat, almost horizontal rope ladder to the end and she doesn’t even make it halfway before she falls, but it’s hilarious

- Nancy also tries that game after some goading from the others, and she makes it farther than Robin (about halfway) but still fails fantastically. And then she takes a bow.

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channiebbang · 3 years

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alone.

synopsis: changbin and y/n's relationship, although it started beautifully, hit rock bottom a long time ago and while he fell headfirst into his university life and all the chaos and craziness that comes with it, she was left behind. while he had the time of his life for the first time ever she was drowning in the arms of her biggest enemy and friend, loneliness and self doubt. changbin hears her cries of help a little too late.

characters: Changbin, Main Character, a smidge of Bang Chan.

pairing: unistudent!changbin x f.maincharacter

genre: angst, das all, just angst

word count: 1.9k

warnings: description of being left behind and feeling forgotten, loneliness and self doubt.

author’s note: i think i wrote this someday during spring of 2020, when i wasn't in a good place. this hits a bit close to home and is way too personal but bc i'm a person that doesn't really express themselves that much i found out writing helps a lot so here it is lol i hope you enjoy reading this 💛

She felt small sitting under Changbin's cold gaze, her eyes kept shifting here and there to always end up falling down to her twiddling fingers.

It had been a little over fifteen minutes, and he hadn't said a word. She knew what the matter was, but she was scared of where this was leading.

"Tell me what's up," Changbin suddenly said. Y/n's head snapped up at his voice. Her eyes stared at his face for a while.

"What?" She muttered, hating how hesitant she sounded. When did things become so uncomfortable.

"What's wrong with you?" He asked again, his usual higher, sweet voice now low and gruff. Y/n gulped.

Suddenly she understood why everyone said Changbin was scary when angry, although she didn't know if he was angry or upset. Either ways, it was scary.

"I don't understand," she mumbled only for him to quickly snap back.

"Bullshit. Tell me," he demanded, arms crossed. And god, it was so intimidating.

"Can you not intimidate me so much," she asked, a nervous snicker leaving her lips. Changbin didn't give any signs of change. Y/n cleared her throat her eyes falling once again to her fingers.

"You want to break up?" Changbin suddenly asked, his voice cold and almost mocking. Y/n closed her eyes, head down. She felt so small in front of him.

Things hadn't been going the best between them for a while. And where it first started because Changbin couldn't keep his promise of always making time for her when she needed it, it followed with her slowly distancing herself and closing off. The loneliness too much to bear at times.

And she got so used to him not being there that she made friends with the loneliness. It provided her more comfort than Changbin did.

She knew she shouldn't have put so much of herself into a guy, after all it happened before too. But Changbin was different.

He had to be, right? He was my bestfriend, he knew me so well. I had no reason to watch my back as I let myself fall with my eyes closed. He could read me so well. Then why wasn't he there when I called for him? Why was I cast aside the same way I was before? Why did he forget what I cried to him about in the past while I was with someone else? How did he forget about his bestfriend?

He promised. As soon as you feel like I'm not giving you enough time, you tell me, and I will drop whatever I'm doing to talk to you and vice versa, he said. If you need me at any moment, you call me, and I will too, he said. I want this to work, i love you so much, he said. I will try my best so it doesn't get to the point where I don't give you enough time, he said.

So when she called the first time why did he snicker and tell her he had to figure some stuff out now that he was in university, with it being the first few weeks of it, and things being chaotic. And she understood.

But then he was figuring things out, sorting out his schedule, socializing, partying, making new friends, hanging out with them, going to classes, having meetings with the clubs he joined. And where did she fall in between all that? So she understood.

And when she couldn't, she called him asking for just a ten minute call a day, she would be okay with just that. Just ten minutes of his attention.

And you can call her an attention whore, that's okay. She can be one for her boyfriend if she wanted to, she had every right to ask for a little of his attention.

But why didn't she receive that ten minute call after the fourth day? Why were his texts coming in so late?

30 minutes. 1 hour. 2 hours. 3 hours.

She trusted him, blindly, she knew him all too well not to. He was her bestfriend.

So she called again, tried to get her ten minute call. He was never alone. Friends always surrounding him, and where she was glad and happy for him that he clicked with a circle in university, so he didn't have to be alone and drowning in his thoughts, she also sat there, on the phone with him, while he sat there with his friends.

And she spoke, fuck, she tried to tell him stuff that happened in her daily life like she always did. She just wanted to fucking talk to her bestfriend like she did the past five years. But who would she speak to when he wasn't listening to a word she said.

So sometimes she would abruptly stop talking and see if he'd notice. He wouldn't. And if he would it would be when it's been too silent on the other side and he would say, "hello? You there?" "Yeah!" She would say in a light voice, so he wouldn't notice.

And then she was the one drowning. And she hated water, goddammit, she hated it so much, she was terrified of it but she would choose that over the drowning she was going through.

The voices in her head too many, drowning her, screaming over her, comforting her. Because now someone was talking.

Comfort was loneliness, and again, she got used to the sweet lullaby the silence would sing. So loud, yet so calming.

Because silence can't hurt you, loneliness can't disappoint you. They won't ever leave you.

And in months, she was closed off once again.

Where she had her bestfriend in the past, she had no one now.

And she hated herself for it, she hated it because she lost her bestfriend. The only person that could ever help her, the only person that she could ever run to, the only person that she could say anything to.

Suddenly she had no one to help her, that she could run to or that she could talk to.

And everything was back on being suffocating. The empty feeling sucking her in it's black hole, the constant lost feeling looming over her.

She couldn't talk to him about herself anymore, she just couldn't.

So she knew he was meaninglessly taunting her with that question, but was it even appropriate when he knew they were on the rocks? Was he so willing to ask such a risky thing when she was so used to being alone?

Changbin stared at the girl in front of him, wondering what happened.

She used to be so full of light, so full of life. And now she was just a shell of her old self. She was doing so good, they were doing so good.

And he knew it was mostly his fault, and damn, did he hate himself for it. He should've seen it before. The signs were obvious.

How did he not see it? He had spent a lot of his time in the arms of the same loneliness for so long, how did he not see it?

He had spent so much of his teenage life, if not all of it, drowning in his own loneliness, his own voices. He had been lost for so long, and she was the one that gave him hope. She helped him without even realizing. Hell, even he didn't know. Then how did he let this happen to her?

What games was fate playing with him?

He had told her so many times how small things she did or said helped him cope up so much when he was the one drowning. His bestfriend was the light at the end of the tunnel.

How did he push her down the same tunnel he struggled to come out of? The same tunnel she helped him out of? How did he turn his back on the same hands that helped steady him without even knowing anything? How dare he?

He saw her in this state before, he helped her out of it when that bastard shoved her too deep into the claws of self hatred. Loneliness her most comforting friend back then too. He helped her out of it, then how did he let her fall again?

His hands felt clammy now, his body heating up as he tried to keep his emotions at bay.

She gulped down the lump in her throat, not wanting him to see her weak and bothered. She didn't want to worry him. She hated the thought of him thinking he had to watch over her, he had to keep her from falling again. She didn't want to be a burden, she felt like that her whole life already.

She took a deep breath as she looked up at him, a small sad smile on her lips and Changbin held in his breath not believing but also knowing where this was going. And it broke the couple's heart.

"That would be the most reasonable think to do, don't you think?" She asked, and fuck why did she have to sound so sweet yet so heartbreaking? He thought, gulping down.

"No, we can make this work," he furrowed his eyebrows, stubborn, hopeful. And y/n almost smiled at her stubborn baby, but she couldn't. He hadn't been her baby in a long time.

"Changbin," she whispered and Changbin hated it. Hated how she called him, how she made him sound pathetic and like a baby and an involuntary sob escaped his lips.

And almost immediately she got up from her seat on his desk chair and her arms were around his wide shoulders as his head pressed against her stomach. Her own tears running down her cheeks as she quietly sobbed with him.

"I'm so sorry," he choked out, arms tightly secured around her thighs. She nodded, her cheek resting against his hair as she stroked his locks with one hand, the other secured around his shoulders.

"I'm very sorry, too," she spoke against his hair, her voice strained.

"No, I was supposed to be there for you. You told me you were not okay, I should've been there for you, I-I should've, should've," she shushed him, wrapping both of her arms around him and bending forward to rest her head against his shoulder.

"Don't," she scolded softly, her constant tears probably wetting his hair as they ran down.

"Don't lose yourself, okay?" She reminded him, her fingers running through his hair again as she stood up straight. She felt Changbin's arms tighten a bit more.

"Stop worrying about me, think about yourself for once," he sternly spoke, his voice rough. He refused to let go. He just needed a little bit more.

"I will," she said nodding, even though he couldn't see her and Changbin snorted.

"No, you won't," he spat out and she flinched because she knew it too but she decided not to say anything.

She had left after calming him down but to be honest, both of them knew the other broke down crying as soon as they were out of each other's sight.

Changbin stared at his bedroom ceiling, staring at nothing in particular.

A knock at the door brought his attention to it, his eyes shifting to Bang Chan standing at the door.

The older walked in, a tight lipped smile on his lips as he handed a cold water bottle to his friend.

"Thanks, hyung," Changbin smiled at him, sitting up and taking a sip of the water right away.

"Don't worry, Bin. Everything will be okay," he softly spoke, his hand comfortingly grasping Changbin's shoulder, and the younger couldn't help but nod, hopeful. Trusting his oldest friend.

"I hope so too," he muttered.

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callioope · 3 years

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Thoughts on Critical Role Campaign 2 Episode 133 below the cut!

Post-Battle Capeleb Scene

Me to spouse as I was pressing play: “I apologize ahead of time for any squealing this episode may cause.”

Cut to Capeleb picking up Essek after the battle! All King Kong style!!! Shoving him in front of the two clerics like “Heal him!!!” ahhhh that definitely got a squeal ... incidentally just as my husband was starting a call... oops.

Bonus: Caduceus being like “dude I wanna heal you too”

Bonus 2: everyone like “Caleb you can put him down” Caleb: nO *puts Essek on his back* i mean caleb knows better than anyone you gotta protect the squishy wizard

Bonus 3!: Jester’s comment about “He doesn’t think clearly when he’s an animal.” and Essek’s “Evidently!” lol

Let the Cleric Rest!

Okay earlier in the episode, when Laura was insistent on “guys we need to start our long rest ASAP,” I felt that in my bones. I play a cleric in the Tomb of Annihilation campaign I’m in, and we spent 3 or 4 sessions stuck in a dungeon filled with poison gas where we took 1d6 poison damage every hour. So no long rests there. Top that off with the fact that we’ve been in the Chultan jungle even longer, and we don’t get long rests unless we can find and secure a very safe location, and the pain of being a spellcaster and not getting a long rest is REAL.

And then no one was acknowledging her at first! Yeah later Fjord and Beau were like “yeah yeah we agree” but she had to say it so many times!!! And I kept shouting at my screen “listen to Laura Bailey!!!” thinking “my dudes you can do ALL of this talking and planning while you rest pleeeeze get that rest it” because I play a cleric too and running out of a spells is a thing.

Of course, having finished the episode/in hindsight, I’m actually not sure if the even had a full 8 hours from the moment Jester finished her Commune with Artagan to the moment the Tomb Takers arrived, but still. I feel so bad for Laura right now knowing she only has ONE SPELL SLOT left and they’re going up against the Lucien and Cree. She’s clever so I’m sure she’ll think of something but that just is a really sucky feeling going into any battle knowing you don’t have a lot of slots left, let alone The Super Scary Big Battle ahead. soo. yeah. Gonna be worrying about that all week through the end of the next episode.

Also side note but jeez poor Laura rolling two one’s on that Heroes Feast. She needs to cleanse her dice or buy new ones altogether. she has the WORST luck with rolls.

TOWER TALK & TOUR!!!!!

IT!!! FINALY!!! HAPPENED!!!! I have been longing for Essek to see the Tower since episode 124 if not longer and at last! It was wonderful. AND CALEB SHOWED HIM THE NINTH FLOOR!!! amazing. fantastic. and what a talk. what a talk. ughh yes. they didn’t really have much time in the Tower outside of the Heroes Feast and the long rest but i’m sooooo glad Caleb got the chance to give the tour and they could talk. YAY!

Pursuing Lucien & Cree

Does anyone have any ideas of what they can do here? UGHH i wanna speculate on the best strategy for them (just because I find it to be a fun thought exercise). Like digging through the collapsed tunnel might take too long? Although we have no idea how long Lucien and Cree need. Hopefully the lack of the rest of the 3 Tomb Takers slows them down somewhat but who even knows at this point. I’ve been wondering if there are any teleportation spells that might work -- but Essek’s teleport is way too high to risk in Aeor right? Wonder if there’s any spells to magically clear the rubble? I’m stumped on this one. Super excited to see what they do but in the meantime while I have to wait would love to ponder this puzzle.

Fjord & the Rangers

not super wanting to like dive into intense discourse about this but like. I did have thoughts so here goes. I don’t blame Fjord for making the decision that he did, he had to make a spilt second decision and it seemed very in character for him to choose what he did. It did seem like he was trying to stall to help his party members get more rest, and it makes sense that he’d want to do that, BUT. here’s the thing. Battles in DND only take a minute or so TOPS. There’ s no way the battle itself would slow down the TT. If you’re hoping to delay the TT, you gotta hope the rangers can do enough damage to force them to at least take a short rest if not a long one. That’d only give an hour and that’s still not enough for the long rest the M9 need.

ALL THAT SAID!!! I think there’s a very good chance that whatever that battle did helped lower the TT’s HP enough so that the traps the M9 laid could finish off the three members it did. So I don’t think it was in vain. Worth it as a delay tactic? Ehh not really. Worth it to hurt the TT? Yes.

And while I do think that Fjord and Essek knew the chances were high they were sending the rangers to their Doom (a) I think the rangers being here in Aeor know that’s an everyday possibility to begin with, and (b) I still think there’s a chance they might have been able to survive/flee. Maybe the TT decided to push past them and fled from the skirmish themselves? Yes it’s possible everyone (including Dagen T_T) fell during that battle, but I don’t think that’s set in stone.

Also I don’t think the TT would think it’s weird to come across the rangers, they likely already knew they were there. And another thing -- even if they were like “Hmm rangers coincidentally by the entrance we were going to use?” Look they know the M9 became unscryable AND were trying to stop them. I honestly think the TT knew to be on the lookout for TM9 no matter what. And in hindsight -- which obvs Fjord did not have but we know now -- Lucien way underestimated them bc hey, despite everything, the trap still worked. Like, very much of what the M9 was trying to do during this whole arc was keep their cards close to their chest so Lucien would underestimate them. They really did lay the groundwork for that when they were traveling with them. Yeah technically they sort of revealed some of their hand during the Gelidon fight buuut they also ran from the TT limping later that day. So. Yeah. Anyways.

I’m rambling now and gotta go start dinner. But those are my initial thoughts!!!! Happy to engage in polite discourse. Main things I love talking about are theories for what happens next!!! and also hello, this is my first like, big post in the tag although I’ve already posted a few times in the shadowgast tag.

#critical role #critrole c2 #critrole spoilers #shadowgast

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random-mha-thoughts · 4 years

Text

Not For Me (Shinsou x Reader)

Pairing: Shinsou x Reader

Purple tear anon requested: “ You are going to kill me for this...Can reader-chan be SUPER scared of Shinsou’s quirk. ”

Genre: Angst

Word count: 896

Tags: @yuki-osaki @liviitehe @iamsoftsodonttoucheume-blog

a/n: Back on my requests dears! This took a while to do, but I’m glad I got it finished finally! I won’t make a long author’s note bc it’s 4am and I’ve been getting no sleep for the past 3 days, I’m running on fumes. Hope you enjoy!

Shinsou is convinced love isn't meant for him.

He already had a difficult time maintaining friendships in elementary and middle school because of his villainous quirk. Since everyone wanted to either run away from or take advantage of him, it's no wonder why the boy always thought he was meant to be solo for the rest of his life. He never wanted to fall for anyone, he says, it doesn't even bother him.

But one can't help their own feelings from happening. Sometimes your brain takes one look at someone and screams, "Them! I want them!" In Shinsou's case, the one his brain claimed is in the support class, one of Hatsume's much quieter classmates. The boy has seen this reserved support character following behind the pink-haired firecracker, clothes just as dirty and always preoccupied with scribbling in a notebook. He figures they’re the hardworking type, wishing to see what kind of inventions hide in that notebook.

Shinsou wanted to use his private training after the sports festival to better himself, not just physically, but to better the mental image he had of himself. Midoriya already spurred the cogs of change in his mind, he just needed to slick the wheels a little more. Under Aizawa’s care, he worked hard to achieve this; his reward at the end of the tunnel would be to confess his feelings to the lovely support student.

Near the end of the semester after training tirelessly, he felt he was in a good place physically and mentally. Despite everything his traumatized mind was telling him, he argued, No, I deserve to be happy, I deserve to love. He’s convinced the universe has dropped this opportunity on his doorstep to lift him up, something to dig him out of the crippling weight of oppression he’s faced up until now.

He can be happy.

Shinsou approaches the workshop tentatively. He’s rehearsed all his lines in his head down to all his hand gestures and movements in an effort to look cooler in front of them. Not even his nerves can stop him now, it’s now or never.

“I’ll be ready for the Sports Festival next year! I’m gonna be as great as you, Hastume!” he hears his crush announce amongst the sound of grinding metal.

“I’m sure you’ll make it to the final rounds like I did!” Hatsume praises haughtily.

“I should make sure to hone my quirk too, don’t wanna end up a one-trick pony.”

Shinsou unconsciously smiles. That’s exactly what Aizawa tells him as well.

“Like...that kid who fought Midoriya.”

The tone of their voice stabs Shinsou in his chest. It was the embodiment of a frightful flinch from an attacker.

“Yeah, Shinsou’s his name, I believe- Hey, are you okay?” Hatsume sounds alarmed.

“Yeah, I’m fine, just...a little shaken.”

Part of Shinsou wants to comfort them, causing his hand to grab the door frame to launch himself through the door and hold them close.

“I can’t imagine being controlled by such a power. It feels...intrusive. It’s scary to have your agency taken away, even for a moment. How could you do that to someone? I can’t handle that.”

That’s what makes Shinsou’s grip loosen, his head dipped. His world spins as if his one tether is cut, he needs to sit to ground himself. He doesn’t even want to go in there, afraid of seeing whatever mortified face they have and imprinting it into his memory forever. It’s best he doesn’t go in there.

“That’s true,” Hatsume muses sympathetically. “But it would be useful against villains, wouldn’t you agree?”

They don’t answer. Shinsou rises to his feet slowly, although his chest has that familiar sinking again. He’s heard quite enough now.

“I was rooting for Midoriya in that match.”

The boy doesn’t know what hurts more, them being a fan of Midoriya or their voice returning to life at the mere mention of his name.

“Me too! He’s quite the guy, isn’t he? Not to mention he snapped out of that trance Shinsou had him in!” the pink haired girl gushes.

“I was on the edge of my seat when that happened! He’s a true hero to me, he’s my role model.”

Shinsou has to snort to himself, as if this adds insult to injury. He should’ve known that someone who writes in notebooks will be attracted to the other nerd who writes in notebooks, they seem to have that same energy.

He pushes himself off the wall keeping him upright and trudges down the school corridor. All his hype disappeared just like that. How was he supposed to compete with someone who’s the “ultimate hero example” like Deku? The one person who was able to break out of his quirk somehow?

In a way, it was embarrassing, but mostly frustrating. His quirk doesn’t allow him to be a good hero despite all of his training in the past few months, but Midoriya even showed him that he’s a bad villain. He’s doomed to forever be branded by a quirk he didn’t ask for, and it’s interfering with his love life,

His heart sinks knowing that he’ll probably be single for the rest of his life. All he can do now is harden his heart even more, and rescind himself to his fate. If his fate wants him to be a single, bitter person for life, that’s how he’ll be.

#Shinsou x reader #my hero academia #boku no hero academia #shinsou hitoshi #shinsou angst #gender neutral reader #request #shinsou imagine #shinsou scenario #mha shinsou #bnha shinsou #mha x reader #bnha x reader #mha fanfiction #bnha fanfiction

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ribinapan · 3 years

Text

meteorgazing

hello everybody here is an original piece of writing i was kinda proud of bc im trying to post on social media more.

prompt - aliens receive signals from Us (as in the US)

they are from proxima b and i will give more worldbuilding info if yall interested ok here we go :’)

one - meteorgazing

---------------------------------------------

notes -

opi - (two earth days)

rings - (eleven earth days)

---------------------------------------------

We get a lot of meteors.

Reason 50678 the surface isn’t safe-- no atmosphere means no pushback. Rocks hurtling from the sky aren’t quite uncommon. There’s not much damage to anything but what they hit. Of course, while it’s scary to watch, it doesn’t do much but cause a roofquake-- a rumbling beginning from the Seeing Dome to the rest of the tunnels. There’s been some incidents, some injuries and some deaths- like everything, it’s something swept away as a horrible- but normal- natural disaster, and most of the time it’s not much more than a little shiver. Really. People in the city at the time tend to gather just to watch. There’s something memorizing about watching a hurtling ball of rock slam into the face of our planet at high speeds while completely ablaze.

Even with the commonplace activity of gathering in the center of the city to watch space rocks fall dangerously close to our Seeing Dome, however, I never thought we would go so far as to make a surface dome just to watch one of the biggest showers yet to date. It was dangerous enough as is-- really, it was-- so I wasn’t particularly interested to watch in any case- yes, a little bit curious about it, but the feeling was quickly stomped out by fear and replaced with a sense of resignation. There was always Holowatch-- a projected hologram from your home holodevice to show you the news-- mostly surface stuff, or from City Twenty, where the biggest political station we had throughout the cluster of cities was placed.

But then there was Ama. Ama, with his bright eyes and his huge grin, practically shivering with excitement as he rushed me in line to get a ticket. We didn’t have enough money for the usual, so he entered us into contests basically any chance he got-- I wasn’t worried, and no way by all the gods would they curse me so much by--

“Elli! I got it-- look, I got two!” Tickets waved in the air for the first ever surface dome built specifically for watching meteor showers in our tunnel, I felt my heart sink as I made eye contact with Ama, beaming more than I had ever seen before.

There was something about Ama and his excitement that just pulled you in and shoved away your rationality. The way he smiled made you feel like you had to do anything to preserve it-- maybe because it was so hard to get him like this, maybe because love blinds you to even the stupidest of ideas. I flattened my sweatshirt against my chest nervously and grinned back, taking my ticket out of his hand. Three rings until disaster and we had free tickets to watch.

For the next three rings, every opi I woke up to a message about strange noises coming from a sector we call Terra, holding a planet that astronomers deemed safest and most habitable for intelligent life like us. Or about giant meteor showers. Or about how rare we are to get huge rocks falling from the sky hurtling at the surface in a desperate attempt to show us the way to our doom and them staying the size they do. And it was adorable, really. Usually it was me, and usually it was seventy messages about something boring from me, and so with a sense of duty I read everything Ama sent and poured as much excitement into a response as I could.

We’re going to die! Screamed my brain, but by the sun god was I dumb enough to be happy to go along with it.

We weren’t the only tunnel with a surface dome ready for the watching, either. City Twenty had the biggest, and far on the other side of the Habitation Line was 9296- the longest lasting surface dome with even a small bit of surface travellers living on it. Of course, they had underground homes to sleep in, but they spent most of their waking hours up on the surface. Everyone knew about it, and Ama swore he wanted to be one of them one day. I wondered how it’d feel to be watching this from there-- normal? Did they see meteor showers all the time? Were they afraid it might hit the dome every time they saw one screeching towards them faster than an Aquatrain? Not for the first time and definitely not for the last, I closed my eyes to sleep before we went up to our tunnel’s first surface dome with only one thought, an absolute certainty: oh my gods, we’re going to die.

When I woke up, I found myself wandering to Ama’s home with an even stronger sense of resignation and a desire to not be alone with it. Immediately upon arrival, I was met with the most excited four-eyed gaze I’ve ever been locked in-- and there it went again, I knew I was going to do this and be just fine with it.

His chatter continued, rising as the time got closer to head up to the surface dome, and often I found myself opening my mouth to share a fact just to keep him going.

“Did you know space tastes like rubusberries?” I heard myself saying, “Do you think the rocks taste like that, too?” He stopped for a moment, frozen on the sidewalk on our way to the train to the surface dome just to stare at me. Bubbling up with laughter, he tossed his head forward in a snort,

“Are you planning to taste the meteor, Elli?” My face heated up in embarrassment, but I bit my tongue and then shot back a response. “Maybe! I mean, it’s good research! A lot of things can be identified through taste!” “Local child just up and dies because they went outside to taste a space-rock.” “At least I’d know if it tasted like rubusberries!”

Rubusberries stayed the topic for a bit longer, the topic clinging to our tongues until it faded away into excited shivering as we stepped in line for the train. It hit me like a solar flare, making me bubble with anticipation that I really was excited, too- I wanted to see it, and I wanted to see Ama see it. The voice screaming ‘we’re going to die!’ finally dulled down to a whisper in the back of my mind.

Hey, at least it’ll be interesting.

Once on the aquatrain, I watched the train-tunnel fill with water as Ama listened to the rest of the train’s quiet, excited chatter. My hands gripped the edges of my seat as I watched it slowly bubble up above my window, bracing myself for the kickback of the train shooting through the water. It was interesting technology, really, but the amount of malfunctions I’d read about had me uneasy every time I was on one. One glance at Ama told me he didn’t as much as I did- if at all- so I bit my tongue and watched as the train suddenly lurched forward, shooting through the water and up towards the surface.

Here we go.

Suddenly, there was a chaotic ball of energy at my shoulder, pressing his hand against the window as we watched ourselves shoot up towards the danger, up towards new experiences and life on the surface yet to come.

“It’s funny we’re going full circle. Surface to underground to surface.” I murmured.

“Now we know what we’re doing. We hadn’t evolved enough before. The sun god knew we’d kill ourselves up there.” He replied simply, and the casual tone of his voice made me choke on laughter.

“Then why are we going up there now?” “To prove him wrong out of spite!” Cheered Ama, leaning over me to press both hands against the window. “Look, there it is!”

Look I did, and like he said, there it was. A giant, metallic door that looked unopenable by any number of Centaurians, and yet it slid open and let the water slosh to the side as the train pressed forward and through it, coming to land and slide against the top of the tunnel as we made our way to the surface dome entrance.

I won’t lie. I screamed.

“Elli. Elli, we’re fine! This is how trains work! Elli!” Climbing the rest of the way to the entrance was much less scary, as there were stairs and stairs are solid and won’t explode under too much water pressure, certainly since there’s no water. A muffled voice boomed over speakers we couldn’t see, giving us directions we couldn’t hear-- and then the crowd started moving, so we followed. Metallic doors that looked a little more manageable by Centaurian hands slid open with a slow, painful screech in front of us- and there it was, above the slope we were climbing: another Seeing Dome. This one above the tunnels.

Ama basically squealed-- and as I was jerked away from the line by excited hands, we pushed our way to the front as Ama stared at the stars above us. Closer than ever now, our feet hit red dust and we looked up to see the sky now only separated by a dome and not red rock all around us. It felt scarily empty-- up here, there were no tall walls or caves all around us. From every angle, there was sky.

“This is literally amazing.” He breathed beside me. “Yeah.” I said back with much less air, absolutely slammed by a feeling of sheer surrealism. You could see so far-- the dark line and the light line, where the heat and cold gods warred from afar. The horizon was much more beautiful in person than in pictures.

“Elli, look!” We were now the only people standing by the entrance, the others wandering to the edges of the Seeing Dome to get a better look. To my absolute dismay, however, what should’ve been the safest spot to stand-- right beside the exit-- was where a small meteor was heading, sending itself straight at us.

Ama watched it with wide eyes. I watched it with a wince. It was beautiful-- it really was, watching them streak the sky, and the surface, and our Safety Dome, but watching it hit with a Clank! still gave me a shiver.

Wait.

Wrinkling my nose as I squinted up at it, I tugged Ama’s hand as my feet began to move on their own. Following it as the burning ball of-- well, whatever it was, slid towards an unoccupied side of the Dome, Ama stumbled behind me. “Elli, where are we going? We’re going to miss the rest of it!” “It shouldn’t have made that noise.” I said back, like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“Elli, you’re nuts.” “It was metallic. It clanked. Ama, it clanked. That’s not a meteor. That’s something someone made.”

And suddenly we were both speeding towards it, Ama whooping and me with my head spinning, stumbling and hitting the side of the dome as we stared down at a mess of melted metal and a white substance bearing a strange, rectangular logo-- red stripes and a blue corner, with what looked like misshapen stars decorating the blue bit. Strange text in bold letters sat above it, smeared and burnt as the capsule remained aflame.

“ALIENS!” Ama shrieked, jumping up and down. He punched my shoulder. “Take that, everybody! ALIENS!!!”

We weren’t the only ones who found something.

Holowatch was projected all over the city as capsules popped up all over the planet. 9296 got two. City Twenty got one. Another surface dome found half of one. Cities were rushing to build more or get Centaurians on the surface to find more. They came with garbled audio-- messages we couldn’t understand. But what sent everyone reeling was the one we found-- it was the sound of another animal, not the intelligent life that kept trying to talk to us. Something big-- something that sounded like our own creatures, a series of clicks, whistles and pulsed calls. Biologists rushed to identify it-- but it was soon determined not to be one of our own, just something close. It was big, most likely lived underwater, but used the same noises ours did to get around-- they used sound for navigation.

There was no doubt about it, there was life on Terran.

“We discovered aliens.” Ama wouldn’t stop saying. “Not us.” “We found it first!” “9296 found theirs thirty-two blinks before we found ours.”

“Second! We discovered aliens second!” “...Fine. Second.” “Aliens, Elli!”

“I hear you, Ama.” I said with fake exasperation, watching him pace around his room.

“We found it. We should get to see what they do with it.” “We are literally children, they weren’t going to let us help.” I said slowly, eyeing him suspiciously as he stopped walking across the room. He looked up at me and grinned.

“Am-- no. No, absolutely not. Whatever you’re thinking is a big, fat, nope.”

He continued grinning, taking a step towards me as his expression melted into something akin to affection mixed with excitement. The mischief was there-- I could see it. Feel it. But rationality slipped away as he grabbed my shoulder. “Let’s just try to sneak around. It’s not like we’ll even get anywhere with it!”

I let out a heavy sigh as I quietly threw my life into ruin. I unleash the sun god upon you, aliens. Why do you do this to me?

“...Fine.”

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lgbtyrus · 5 years

Text

Three Fish and a Malfunction

First place price of my fanfic giveaway for @lilaaugenringe ! She wanted a fanfic of TJ and Cyrus at the fair :) This is a post bench scene fic where they’re not boyfriends or haven’t kissed yet.

Words: 3,122

It had been about a month since TJ and Cyrus held hands on the night of Andi’s party. Nothing was really official yet, though. It kind of made Cyrus nervous because he didn’t know exactly how serious TJ was about him or if he was even serious at all. He did hold his hand every waking chance that he got and listen to him talk about his day every day. It felt unreal that he got to talk to the boy he had been crushing on for months, knowing that he liked him, too.

He just couldn’t call him boyfriend or anything. He was honestly just scared they were going to end up in another Jonah and Andi situation, and it was all going to fall over.

Cyrus was laying in his bed, about to fall asleep when his phone went off. He checked it and saw it was a message from the group chat. Not only did it have the GHC, but it also had Marty, TJ, and Jonah.

Buffy: Me and Marty were thinking about going to the fair tomorrow and thought it’d be more fun as a group. You guy’s down?

Marty: come thruuu

Andi: What time?

Buffy: 1?

Andi: sure sounds fun :)

Jonah: down

Cyrus didn’t really want to go. He had nothing but bad experiences at the fair. He didn’t want to have to admit to TJ he was afraid of most of the things at the fair and would probably throw up. But at the same time, he wanted an excuse to spend time with TJ and the rest of the crew before summer started wrapping up.

Cyrus: see ya’ll there

TJ: same here

Buffy: this feels fake. Making plans with a friend group this large should not be this easy

Andi: we’re not 20 yet

Cyrus slid out of the group chat and went to go message TJ privately as the rest of them went off on a tangent about growing old.

Cyrus: just so you know, I’m afraid of basically everything at the carnival

TJ: its okay cy. We can just stay low and play some games and share a pretzel or whatever

Cyrus: I mean, I can get on rides if you want. Just not more than three unless the we want the pretzel to come back up

Cyrus: we don’t

TJ: gjhsfjkghs don’t worry cyrus we don’t have to go on anything you find scary

TJ: unless

Cyrus: oh no

TJ: you want to get some carnival rides off your list of things you can’t do

Cyrus: i really put some carnival rides on there?

TJ: just three. We can do one or two if doing three gets too much.

Cyrus: what rides did I put on that cursed list

TJ: you put down the hammer, the haunted tunnel, and the mirror maze???

Cyrus: I think I have a repressed memory in the mirror maze bc I literally can’t remember why ive never gone in there and I guess we can do the haunted tunnel if you hold my hand

TJ: deal :)

TJ: shouldn’t you be asleep???

Cyrus: yah

TJ: goodnight cyrus <3

Cyrus: goodnight teej <3

Cyrus woke up and remembered his plans for the day. He felt like he was going to throw up the breakfast he hadn’t eaten yet. He sighed and got up to get ready for the day. He quickly checked his phone and saw that there was 206 unread messages in the group chat. It must’ve been a boring night compared to their usual 800. Then again, he wasn’t up to double text.

It was a few hours before TJ and his mom picked him up. It was a nice car ride. TJ’s mom didn’t know that TJ was gay, but Cyrus had a gut feeling that she knew something was up between them. She didn’t really treat him differently, but she had that look mothers had in their eye when they knew something was up.

That's the way Cyrus mom looked at him when he first started bringing TJ around. She sort of knew, but she didn't say anything. Cyrus kind of hoped she would say anything else besides, "I like that TJ kid." But she didn't, so he did. It wasn't as hard as he thought it would be. He knew his parents loved him, so he doesn't know why he was so scared, but he still was.

It was like being with TJ. He knew TJ liked him, so he didn't know why he was scared.

TJ and Cyrus entered the fair and sat at the bench that the others would show up. They started holding hands the minute TJ's mom drove away. It was nice. Summer wasn't overbearing, and TJ looked nice in his stripped navy blue T-Shirt and tanned skin. Cyrus couldn't help but stare for a little.

"See something you like?" TJ smirked, leaning back on the bench and pretending to do a hair flip.

Cyrus rolled his eyes and said, "Yeah. That piece of gum stuck on this bench seems pretty appetizing." TJ immediately looked around and saw the piece of gum stick between them on the bench.

"Gross," TJ shook his head.

"Hey, guys," Jonah showed up smiling. The boys greeted him as they saw the rest of them walk up behind him.

"You guys ready to go?" Buffy grinned, holding hands with Marty who was staring at her the same way Cyrus was staring at TJ.

"Yeah," TJ nodded, "let's go throw up."

"I'd rather not," Andi laughed as TJ and Cyrus stood up. They walked around as a group, looking at carnival games. It was fun watching Buffy and Marty get competitive and end up with too many stuffed animals in less than an hour. They had to hand some out to some little kids walking by.

TJ pulled Cyrus to the side and won him a stuffed frog in a basketball game. Cyrus could've taken the extremely big stuffed animal, but the smaller frog had a tight lip "smile" that reminded him of TJ.

"Thanks," Cyrus smiled, looking up at the taller boy.

"It's nothing," TJ laughed, putting his arm around him. "Let's go find the rest before we get lost." Cyrus and TJ caught up to Andi and Jonah who were trying to get a fish.

"Where are Buffy and Marty?" Cyrus asked as Andi tossed a ball into a fish bowl. It went to the side.

"In the mirror maze," she pointed in a different direction. "I'm trying to help Jonah win a fish."

"It's the only pet the apartment lets us have, so," Jonah shrugged before tossing another ping pong ball.

"Want to do the mirror maze?" TJ raised his eyebrows at Cyrus. Cyrus agreed without hesitation and walked over with him. They didn't have to wait in line and walked right in.

"Why did you put this in the list?" TJ asked him as they held hands through the thing.

"I have no idea?" Cyrus laughed. "Maybe it was about my self-esteem. You can only look at yourself for so long before you start to think that you're ugly."

"Well, you're not," TJ said, squeezing his hand tighter as they went through a corner. Cyrus looked in the mirror ahead and saw that TJ was softly smiling. "You're actually really cute."

Cyrus expressed a content smile as he continued following TJ through the rest of the maze.

"You're cute, too, TJ," Cyrus finally told him after a few seconds of silence. "A lot cuter than a piece of gum."

TJ burst out laughing, "Gee, thanks, Cyrus," he turned back for a second to smirk at him. "My self esteem is through the roof right now."

"I do what I can," Cyrus smiled. They continued walking, the mirrors getting blurrier and some having distorted vision.

"Do you hear that?" TJ asked him. "I think Buffy and Marty are ahead." Cyrus listened and like TJ said, Buffy and Marty were laughing up ahead. They followed their laughter and found them at the exit of the maze where they were laughing at their funky appearances. Buffy turned to them and waved.

"Come take a picture with us," she laughed, "this is gold." The boys approached them and posed for a few photos for Buffy before they all walked out. They went to go look for Andi and Jonah who were sitting at a bench, three goldfish in their laps. "Oh my gosh," Buffy ran up to them. "Why did you get so many?"

"How did you get so many?" Marty asked, standing right behind Buffy.

"I felt bad only having one alone, and I ended up with three," Jonah shrugged. "I already named them Baby Tator, Tator-Tot, and the Patoto Famine."

"One is not like the others," Cyrus said, at they all laughed at Jonah's names.

"It's kind of like the others," Jonah said.

"How are you going to get on rides if you have fish now?" Marty asked him.

"I was going to wait, but I already have an upset stomach from the hot dog smell, and I'd rather not," Jonah smiled.

"Are you sure?" Buffy asked. "We're going on the hammer next?"

"Cyrus can take my place," Jonah smiled. "I'll take care of your guy's things."

Buffy smiled excitedly at Cyrus, "You want to go on the hammer?" Before Cyrus could say anything, she dragged him by the arm away.

"Buffy," Cyrus gasped, "I haven't even agreed yet."

"That's why we're going before you change your mind!"

"Your logic has a lot of faults in it!" Cyrus said as she stopped at the line. Cyrus looked up at the tall ride going as people screamed their lungs out. He looked to the side and saw a girl throwing up in a garbage can. He winced. TJ, Marty, and Andi showed up after a few minutes. Cyrus held TJ's hand very tightly. "I can't believe I'm doing this."

"I believe in you," TJ told him, "it'll be fun."

"You agreed to hold my hand the entire time and if I'm scared enough to suddenly become strong and break your hand, I'm sorry." TJ chuckled.

"It's going to be fine, Cyrus," TJ reassured him, "I promise." The line got shorter and shorter, and Cyrus felt his heart shrink every second. Next thing he knew, he was strapped in and screaming.

"The ride hasn't started, Cyrus," TJ laughed, reaching over to hold his hand. "It'll before over before you know it." Within a few seconds, the ride was on and Cyrus was screaming his lungs off along with TJ. But it wasn't horrible. He started having fun after a few moments after the initial terror. He smiled that he could finally enjoy rides like these with his friends instead of staying back every time.

When he got off, everyone was looking at him.

"Well," Andi grinned, pieces of hair sticking out of her headband, "did you like it?"

"Yeah," Cyrus smiled, "I actually did." The rest of his friends cheered on before walking out to the busy fair to look for something else.

"I promised you that it would be fine," TJ told him, putting his arm around him as they walked.

"It's now noted that you keep your promises," Cyrus told him with a huge smile. His heart was beating extremely fast and both the closeness to TJ and the fair ride had made him sweat. But he didn’t really care. He was really comfortable around TJ.

“So,” TJ said to him, “ready for the tunnel of horror?” Buffy quickly turned around to look at them happily.

“Cyrus!” she gasped. “You want to go on the Tunnel of Horror?”

“Can I say yes this time?” Cyrus raised and eyebrow at her as she jumped back and forth on her heels.

“I guess,” she said, waving her arms around.

“Ye-“ before Cyrus could finish, Buffy was already dragging him to the next ride like she had for the first one. “Do you even know where it is?”

“I know everything,” she said like it was a fact. Cyrus felt content as he heard the rest of his friends trail behind them. TJ and Marty were talking and Jonah caught up to them with his arms full of fish. It was a good day to try new things.

They got to the short line for the tunnel of horror. “I think we’ll be able to go on by the next set of cars,” TJ said as he stood next to Cyrus, holding his hand once again.

“I heard it kind of sucks this year, so it shouldn’t be too scary for Cyrus,” Buffy nudged him. “If not, I wouldn’t bring him in. The last two years have been horrifying.”

“Are you just trying to make me feel better?” Cyrus asked.

Buffy raised her arms up in defense, “The line is short for a reason.” The next set of carts showed up individually every 30 seconds, each one holding two people. First, Marty and Buffy got on one and disappeared into the tunnel. Next, Andi, Jonah, and Jonah’s three kids got on. Finally, TJ helped Cyrus onto the cart and they pulled the bar down to lock themselves.

The car started moving and Cyrus and TJ were being pulled into the dark tunnel, creepy music playing instantly. A fake door shut behind them loudly as they were in, hiding the last ounces of daylight. One hand on the bar, Cyrus used the other one to hold TJ’s hand.

“How long is this ride?” Cyrus asked TJ right before getting startled by a monster jumping in then out.

TJ strained to hold back his laughter as he said, “Maybe five to ten minutes? Why?”

“I am not having fun in this dark space,” Cyrus said, holding his hand tighter, jumping once more as a fake witch laughed behind him.

“It’s okay, Cyrus,” TJ said. “None of this is real. We’ll be out before you know it.”

Then the ride stopped. Cyrus and TJ looked at each other, barely able to see anything in the dark. Then the music stopped, and the lights turned on. Cyrus knew he looked terrified. He felt stuffed in the cart even if they had so much room. He looked around the tunnel and saw all the fake monsters and lanterns strewn around, the fake bats on the ceiling. A little bit ahead, there was a projection of a wolf howling at the moon. Then he looked at TJ who wasn’t saying anything either.

“Ladies and gentlemen,” someone said over the intercom, “there has been a failure in the system, and we are getting mechanics on the grounds immediately. Both of the main doors can’t open at the moment so please remain in your seats until further notice to avoid getting harmed. If this takes more than hour, we will call 911.”

Cyrus was sweating now. A lot. The tunnel felt like it was radiating nothing but heat, and he pulled his hand away from TJ’s in embarrassment. But in a few seconds, he wanted it back. He wasn’t sure what was going on in his head anymore. He looked forward and saw the projection of the wolf howling. Over and over and over again. And again. And again. And he looked up at the fake bats. They started looking fuzzier, they had eyes now. Cyrus was sweating anymore. Then he realized TJ had been talking to him the entire time. TJ had his arm around him and was squeezing his hand

“Hey, Cyrus. Cyrus. Talk to me? Cyrus? Are you okay?” TJ nervously talked to him. He also seemed shaken up. “I need you to take a few deep breaths for me, okay? Cyrus? Nod. Can you nod so I know you’re listening?” Cyrus nodded. TJ sighed in relief, “Okay, Cy. Let’s take a deep breath in.” Cyrus breathed in. “Now out.” Cyrus exhaled. They did that a few times. “Good job, Cyrus,” TJ said as Cyrus rested his head on his shoulder.

Things felt fine now.

“Are you feeling better?” TJ asked him. Cyrus weakly nodded. “Just think of good things. Your family, friends, music, the spoon, baby tators… the patato famine,”

“People died, Thelonious,” Cyrus whispered, cracking a tiny smile and making TJ let out a small snort. That made Cyrus laugh himself. “Did you just snort,” Cyrus sat up to look at him. TJ was blushing, hiding his face with the back of his hand. “That was cute.” TJ put his hand down after a while.

“Well,” TJ sat back, “I didn’t promise that we’d be out in a little bit.”

“I think I’d rather go on the hammer again,” Cyrus sighed, looking at him closely. TJ turned to look at the brown eyed boy and smile.

“I like that you liked the other one more. It’s funny,” TJ said, reaching over to brush some hair out of Cyrus’ forehead.

“Why?” Cyrus said, leaning his head into TJ’s hand.

“Just is,” TJ was whispering now, looking between Cyrus’ eyes and his lips. “Can I kiss you?” Cyrus’ heart could have not beat faster any other time in his life. He nodded and leaned into TJ who had already found his lips with his own.

So kissing is supposed to feel like a bunch of stars Cyrus thought to himself.

When they pulled away, Cyrus’ nose was touching TJ’s, and he asked him, “What are we TJ?”

“I was just waiting for the moment, actually,” TJ have him a smile, giving him another small his before saying, “I think now is an alright time to ask you to be my boyfriend.” Cyrus nodded happily, kissing him again.

The two boys were in the tunnel for about forty minutes, laughing and talking about a lot of cheesy things, before the wagons started moving again. Only, the lights stayed on as they heard over the intercom, “Thank you for waiting. We are sorry for the inconvenience. All riders will be taken off immediately as the ride is going to be shut down for the day.”

The group met outside, TJ and Cyrus being the last ones to get off.

“You guys alright?” Andi asked them as they approached them.

“All good,” Cyrus nodded, smiling widely.

“Too good,” Buffy smirked, “dish it out.” TJ and Cyrus blushed, wondering how she figured it out so fast.

“Uh,” Cyrus said nervously, “I guess we’re boyfriend and boyfriend now.” The entire group let out of loud cheers and tackled them both into a group hug, making Cyrus’ heart feel full of love. Maybe fairs weren’t so bad after all. You just needed the right group of people. The right person. TJ was his person.

#stars writing #Andi Mack #tyrus #tj kippen #cyrus goodman

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w-umbrella-hole · 4 years

Text

I was standing in the kitchen and Moosh came, flying, through the kitchen, wild eyed and scattered. Normally, when it rained really hard or thunderstormed, she would hide and not come out for three days.

Since moving into our home at Keith road, she had started trying to run outside when it was raining really hard and I still am not sure why. One thing I was certain of, in this moment watching my scared kitty unable to feel safe, I needed to comfort her.

So, I cooed her towards me and scooped her up in my arms, heading towards the bedroom, what was our safe place. I was trying to be more sensitive to her needs, to be more aware of how to fulfill this creature that I’m so blessed to be able to call mine. You, taught me this better than anyone. I watched you do it with Loafies. I wanted Moosh to know I cared about her in the same way I watched you care for Loaf.

Instead of just placing her in the room, I watched her when I sat her down. She immediately ran under the bed. I figured she must be frustrated, not understanding why she was upset, and sometimes when I don’t know why I’m upset, I know I want to take my grr out on something. So, I grabbed the kitty wand and I started to focus her attention towards something. She immediately responded and, boy, did she have some aggression she was ready to take out on the play prey at the end of the string.

After some time of letting her aggression run it’s course, I turned the wand over (something else I had learned from you, specifically for Moosh) and started to play with her in a way that was specific to how she likes to be played with. I tapped each ear, back and forth, tapped her sides, and her paws, annoying her enough that it coaxed her to come out from underneath the bed.

I decided we were in full play now, so I put on a costume set of larger than life elephant ears I had bought that day and set up some toys on the floor. A kaleidoscope, a wooden toy where it has ribbon on it (fidgeting toy), and the best was the monkey in the box, you know the one where you wind it up, and eventually it pops up out, even though you know it’s coming, scaring you.

I wanted to see, at this point, how comfortable I could get Moosh. So, I grabbed some Temptations treats (also learned how much kitties loves those because of you), and boy did she go wild. I was even able to get her to do that cuter than shit trick where she goes up on her hind legs and hovers to get the treat out of my hands.

Now, Moosh is more about food than cat nip, but will indulge herself in the kitty nip if it’s the right place and right time, and she’s not hungry. So, feeling her energy out, I grabbed the kitty nip and spread a pile on the floor for her. It wasn’t long before she was diving head first, rolling all her Mooshiness all over the ground, cooing, bawing, and making the sweetest noises only she makes.

So, that’s when I started to have my own personal fun and wind up the monkey in the box. She seemed so curious as to the tune coming out of it, well, curiosity does kill the cat, I was almost crying when the monkey popped out and she wasn’t scared, just so shocked. She turned around and ignored me, being like fuck this shit, fuck this shit.

I knew she was back to feeling like herself. I knew I had been a good mama. She crawled her way back to me, sprawled out on the floor, and got close enough to be with me, but kept her distance, as she does. I started to get sleepy with myself, as playing with kitties, is exhausting. I began to nod in and out, feeling so contented at just having mamabeared my kitten back to a feeling of safety, which made me feel good and safe myself.

I remember feeling so grateful for Moosh coming to get me when she needed me, as she is a reflection most often of my own inner emotions, and I did not feel safe. And that’s why I adore this kitten, y’all. She keeps me safe. I was dozing off, ears still on my head, hearing the party that I didn’t really want to be at my house still thumping below my floor, but I didn’t care, I just wished that maybe You would walk upstairs and see what a good job i did, maybe you would have wanted to play too.

And what did you do?

You opened up the door, and I heared you say (for the first time in weeks, with a voice that only you can use with me when you see me as innocent or when you feel compassion for me, when you acted like daddy). You kind of giggle gasped, and said, “Awh I want to play.”

It made me so filled with joy, everything about it.

But don’t you see what you’ve done now?

We can’t play anymore.

Because you play too much. You play too rough. You play to hurt.

All I ever wanted was for someone to play with me, bc, you are right, I’m like a kitty and I need to be played with. And I’ll tell you this, I’m the best damned little kitty, little girl, you could have spent forever playing with.

But you couldn’t keep me safe from ... you.

And that’s the saddest part.

And the scariest one thus far.

The last time we “played” I almost died and you can’t see that. I don’t know why you can’t see when you play too rough, when you hurt me, when you’re hurting me for hours, why you can’t see that choking someone, strangulating someone is not playing.

Our games stopped being fun the moment I was afraid I wouldn’t live if I couldn’t get away from you.

And I hate you for it. I hate you so much for it. We could have had so much fun. A lifetime of play. But why you didn’t want that, why you didn’t want me, why you preferred to hurt me over play, I don’t know if I’ll ever understand.

But you should know, you are a bad, scary man. And you took away my physical home, my idea of home, my feelings of safety, of security, you took away my safe place.

So for now, this blog will be that. A catch all for whatever I need it to be. Whether it’s to miss you, hate you, grieve for you, whatever. It will live here. And that’s okay.

It doesn’t mean things can change or that you can change. It just means that this place can be whatever I need it to be and I can still know that because of your actions, we will never be together.

This will be unedited, the coming undone of us, the coming undone of me.

I will be better for this at the end of the tunnel. I promise you I will make something beautiful out of the darkness you created. I Sydnee Promise.

#w-umbrella-hole #magnoliadarling #break up #healing #purge #sociopaths #lovers #love #little #girl #playtime #kitty

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a-lbeit · 5 years

Text

2018: a year in review

rang in the new year with really good people actually watching the ball drop for the first time in a few years. it always makes me sad in a happy way.

had my friend (from california) i met while studying in berlin come to visit!!! but there was a giant (relatively speaking) snowstorm that came through, so we had to rearrange a couple things we had planned on doing. but most things worked out, especially since i didn’t have to go to work for like 5 days lmfao. we did a ghost tour, went to a few historical sites, and even drove to savannah for a day.

went to waffle house with a few people the night before i left for my last semester at american university and....tbh....started feeling some things about someone again (but it’s gone away lmao)

returned to dc for the last time for a while

actually started booking things for the best goddamn spring break -- a trip to western south dakota to visit badlands national park and everything around it

saw the devil makes three

started an internship with rock creek park, my own door into the nps

went to the bars on u street for the first time for my friend’s birthday. almost got projectile vomited on during the pregame lmfaooooo

saw arlo guthrie

got moviepass at the height of it. i saw many films with it, some of my favorites being lean on pete, three billboards outside ebbing, missouri, and bad times at the el royale. however, the company obviously went downhill. i was all right with only being able to see 3 movies a month, because for 10 bucks, that’s still not bad. but then showtimes started disappearing and i finally gave up hope. it was nice while it lasted.

took my german midterm and skrrted right out of dc to embark on one of the greatest journeys of my life. i’d had this spring break in mind for a year and a half, and i feel so grateful that i could actually accomplish virtually everything i had dreamed of:

drove to dayton, ohio, then waterloo, iowa, then wall, south dakota, my final destination. along the way, i saw a zoo that was my window to a west i had only ever heard about, a statue of abraham lincoln right next to the mississippi, the world’s largest truck stop, a hobo memorial, an intricate and delicate and intriguing grotto, a tri-state marker, a corn palace, the goddamn missouri river, and all the farmland and life that make up the heartland of the united states. i was mesmerized and i had barely started.

reached my motel in the evening with a backdrop of the sunset over the badlands, got nervous by a group of men wearing camo and carrying what seemed to be hunting or fishing gear, went to dairy queen, and came back to a once-again empty motel parking lot. i felt better.

spent the next day in the national park. it was the off season, so the entrance i went through was unmanned. i saw countless sheep and prairie dogs, sometimes within a few feet of me, and admired the bright, layered colors in the rock. i played springsteen’s “badlands” with nobody in sight, miles of land in every direction that seemed both right there and unreachable at the same time. the visitor’s center had information and nice people. the cliff shelf trail was a small introduction to my hiking in the park. the notch trail was fun and gave me a bruise and let me see the badlands as they are meant to be seen -- you get to climb a ladder and get into the formations. there is an astonishing view, but if you go a bit further than most people do, it’s even more incredible. i lay down backwards and looked at everything upside down. i drove back the way i came and stopped to admire the sunset over the jagged and far-off edges. it was still the beginning.

(got an email saying i was accepted into the disney college program lmfao)

with the next day came a further destination. in belle fourche, sd, there is the true geographical center of the us. you go down a gravel road for around 8 miles. it’s scary when the fog doesn’t let you see more than 200 feet in front of you and the farms on either side of you are encased in snow. but the mysticism surrounding the decor -- a homemade cross, a simple “the true center of the nation” declaration, and various hiking boots stuck in the fence -- especially when you seem to be the only person for miles, is surreal. i left there and finally found my way out of the fog and went on into wyoming to see devils tower. the sky was a piercing blue and i was blinded by the light, but snow is always on the ground that time of the year, i guess, and i hiked knee-deep through 2 miles of it. i dropped to my knees in happiness like a weakling when i saw my car again, but i felt like cheryl strayed. people feed the prairie dogs so much there that they come right up to you. the squeaks were unending and cute. i drove the 2 or 2.5 hours back, mostly in the dark, my feet water-logged but my heart full.

i drove to mount rushmore the next day. it’s strange always knowing of something and finally seeing it in person. i love the sculpture and i don’t know how people are able to do things like that. i wish i could have hiked closer to it, but the trails were still closed for winter. then, through the black hills i continued, coming up to the crazy horse memorial and reluctantly paying the admission fee, although i know it helps their progress. i know i probably won’t be alive when (and if) it’s completed, but it’s nice to see at least part of it. i wish i could go up to it. maybe one day. wind cave national park came after, and i saw bison munching on grass 10 feet away from me. i wish i could have gone into the cave. maybe one day. i walked along the grassland without a jacket on. i couldn’t believe it. i left and took the backroads to return to mount rushmore to see it at night. it was scary, especially navigating the never-ending curves in the black of the unpopulated areas, but coming closer to the monument, i passed through one-car tunnels that framed the sculpture perfectly.

the next day was my second time around at the badlands. i hiked half of the castle trail and climbed some of the formations, able to admire all i could see from a throne made of crumbly rock. there was fog in the morning which lifted to another sunny day. there were cacti and deer and even phone lines. the shadows in the creases of the hills kill me with their nonchalant elegance. i went back to my motel and came back into the park at night. i had never seen so many stars, although it was so goddamn frightening being in a parking lot unable to see 5 feet in front of me that i left after a few minutes.

my last day, i was supposed to go to jewel cave national monument, but it snowed and caused some of the roads to close. instead, i walked through the storm to wall drug store and meandered around the kitschiness. i want to bring people there to show them how incredible it is.

i drove back to washington over the next 3 days, stopping at the now snow-covered badlands for one last look, the green giant in minnesota, effigy mounds national monument, dubuque, and everywhere in between along the way.

native american history around all of the places i have mentioned is rich and cannot be underestimated. i didn’t talk about it, but these places are of course sacred to the tribes of the region and it is paramount to respect that. i think the nps tries to educate, but it could do more.

i went about 4,200 miles on that trip. i miss the days of driving with my playlist that took months to create.

i came back to washington and didn’t really talk about my journey except for a mention of it when discussing what we had done over spring break in german class. i love to recount this 10 day period, but i don’t do so very much because i feel inarticulate and i don’t want to minimize the effect it has had on me.

saw langhorne slim, don mclean, and george ezra (on 3 separate occasions)

was a part of park rx day with rock creek park

saw old crow medicine show (which has become a yearly tradition i guess lmfao)

went to the graduation happy hour for the library circulation desk. that night was something i’ll never forget. i miss that place so much.

the next day, drove to clemson to see melissa graduate! what a time in our lives. then promptly drove back to dc for my own graduation

but the night before my ceremony, i saw david byrne. it was wild but not as great as i had hoped, mostly because i couldn’t see too well.

graduated from american university, but continued to be on its campus a few days a week until mid-august because i couldn’t bear the thought of leaving the library or the campus. i love that place more than i thought i ever would.

saw shakey graves 2 days in a row, as you do

saw pussy riot thanks to a recommendation from my german professor

visited my work friend’s farm just outside of baltimore

saw pauly d dj at a club lmfaoooooo

found a shark’s tooth at calvert cliffs state park

went to new york for a day to visit brandon before he moved to san francisco! i got in around 5:30am and had the first part of the day to myself. i went to staten island and all the nps sites downtown, then met him at his brother’s apartment a couple blocks from central park (???!!!!). we went to greenwich village, ate lunch at the white horse tavern, and then had a second lunch from mcdonald’s in washington square park. he had to go after a while, but i walked over to the high line to see the sunset. i walked ~45k steps that day but the joy is remembered more than the pain in the end.

i worked and flirted with a nice guy. i might visit him in california in may.

went to nashville to see paul simon with my friend callie. we rocked and enjoyed trashy nashy. that same day, paul simon announced his final show in queens was to be in september. i thought about how i could attend.

we came back to charleston through the smokies and went swimming in the rain. the beauty of that area is unlike anything else. then we met lauren for lunch and it was so goddamn nice. i wish it could have been for longer.

saw harry styles bc i love myself ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

had a couple friends visit and we did the touristy stuff of dc. it was nice to do that with people for once.

had a couple more friends visit and we went to asbury park for the fourth of july. it was atmospheric and i couldn’t believe i was in springsteen’s stomping ground, especially as one of his song’s namesakes.

saw southside johnny and the asbury jukes

saw a ship belonging to the spanish navy when it docked in charleston for a couple days

started my second long trip of the year

drove from dc to cleveland, first of all. i spent as much time as i could in the rock and roll hall of fame. i saw all the stuff i had learned about in my rock and roll history class and stuff i had grown up with and everything else i didn’t know about. “bruce juice,” pete seeger’s banjo head, and a couple free games of pinball were memorable moments. then, i went on to the cleveland museum of art, where i took a photo i wasn’t supposed to and recognized a couple pieces from my art class sophomore year. i loved cleveland way more than i thought i would and saw myself as a resident there.

went to cuyahoga valley national park the next morning, admiring the only national park in ohio with its waterfalls and greenery, and continued on to bowling green, kentucky. on the way, i went to kent state (which affected me more than i thought -- the military is too often a disgusting institution).

took a 4 hour tour deep into mammoth cave and saw things i couldn’t have even fathomed before. i couldn’t really wrap my head around the fact that we were underground where it is always dark yet still teeming with life. the change in humidity when coming back outside made my camera fog up for a good few minutes. it was funny, really. afterwards, i took advantage of the parts of mammoth cave national park that light does touch -- i got soaked in a rainstorm but seeing the green river and having a butterfly land on my finger were things i will always remember. wet and cold, i went on a second tour of a different part of the cave by lantern light in the evening. we saw cave graffiti and even a bat.

i left that area and moved on to the cumberland gap. it was the day before my 22nd birthday and i was in 3 states at once (for the second time this year). “salt seeking buffalo, moccasin clad warriors, dreaming pioneer, battling civil war soldiers. each was here in the historic cumberland gap, and now so are you.” [punctuation added] has got to be one of my favorite signs i’ve ever seen. it conveys the history in simple terms, which is the way i like things. it’s endlessly meaningful without being pretentious.

on my birthday, i toured the forbidden caverns near the smokies, then hiked some of the alum cave bluffs trail. i wish i could have done the whole thing, but i was short on time, as i wanted to be back in charleston by the evening to celebrate my birthday with my parents.

the day after, i slept in for once, went to the angel oak with melissa, and saw brian wilson and the gang perform all of pet sounds with callie. it was nice but there were so many empty seats that it was a little sad.

started my travels again, going back to the smokies area but stopping in blowing rock first and then going down the blue ridge parkway. the next day, i went to pigeon forge and rode an alpine coaster and finally did a somewhat substantial hike in the smokies -- charlies bunion. i saw a mother bear and her 2 babies and was alone on the trail with a beautiful deer. after that hike, i did the tail of the dragon drive and went to fontana dam, where the fog along the water made for an otherworldly feeling in my heart.

came back to charleston once again, but not before swimming around looking glass falls and feeling that this is what summer should look like. also made a stop at the carl sandburg home nhs.

started my drive back to dc for the last time, but took the scenic route -- south of the border, luray caverns, and the hardest hike i’ve ever done over in shenandoah. the famed old rag. it was a rainy tuesday, and the rocks were slippery. i didn’t see a single other person. i clutched those rocks for dear life at times, but i made that 10 mile hike and it was invigorating. i miss getting grimy in the forest.

that whole trip took me 3,755 miles around the eastern us with my ipod, 60s on 6, and phlash phelps’s voice in the morning as my soundtrack.

acknowledged in my head that it was nearly time to the leave the library, a home of mine for the past three and a half years. i told people the date of my departure and it inched closer despite my desire for time to stop progressing.

had a tour of the towers of the national cathedral. it’s not something many people have done and i’m glad to have seen the not-so-showy parts of the structure, along with a closer-up look at the showy parts we know and love.

had a visit from lauren -- we went to nando’s, the portrait gallery, and thrift shops with paige. i wish it would have lasted longer.

went to six flags with my friend from work, where we rode every ride we wanted to. it was carefree, even though my pants ripped.

my final day at the library inevitably came and went. instagram follows and facebook friends increased as i knew this was now the only way to see the people i had known for so long. i got choked up, and i’m choked up even writing this. to say i miss it is to put it very insignificantly. i have left some of myself there.

went back to new york for a few days, where i met up with my father so that we could see a concert in central park celebrating the greenwich village folk scene of the 60s. the mc was richard barone, who we’d met 2 years prior when he gave us a tour of greenwich village. on that trip, i saw theodore roosevelt’s birthplace (thank god for him, sincerely), the cloisters, staten island again, the seinfeld restaurant, and even coney island. we took the bus back to dc and drove my ‘97 ford escort back to charleston.

for the few days i had in charleston before moving to orlando to work for disney, i hung out with people like old times. trivia, the beach, apartments. the circuit.

i really fuckin moved to orlando, i guess. i moved in with 7 other people. we resort-hopped before we got our entrance passes to the parks. i felt mostly unmoved by the orientations that they try so hard to brainwash us with. i took a huge paycut coming here.

i started working at the food and wine festival. goddamn, i miss working at epcot. i saw the groovin alps play their bavarian percussion music and i poured beer and served lobster rolls and korma chicken and lentil stew and everything in between. i met dozens of beautiful people, some of whom are gone back now to from where they came. but i’m still here.

i mentioned earlier that paul simon announced back in june that his final concert would be in queens in late september. i bought a ticket the day they went on sale and was determined to find a way to attend. i did. i flew to new york for a few days -- came into penn station from newark, walked around to greenwich village and the brooklyn bridge and went to the museum of the moving image late in the evening on a friday when it was free. the next day, i visited the queens museum in flushing-meadows corona park (where the concert was also being held) and was in line for the show by 11:30am. i waited for like 8 hours in all, but i was front row. that final paul simon show (which we all know isn’t really the final one, but it did have a certain finality to it) was transformative for me, paul, and everyone else in the audience. i saw lorde, jimmy fallon, and john mulaney. i cried and was recorded and tapped along and admired the performances of “the cool, cool river” and “the obvious child” and every other goddamn song he played. i stuck around as long as i could. the next day, i flew back to orlando and returned to work, but i felt different.

lived the typical life of a college program participant: work, go to the parks, work, go to the parks, sleep.

voted somewhere along the way and was overjoyed that democrats took back the house.

went to st augustine with sarah

eventually, the food and wine festival ended and i was transferred to port orleans riverside, where i currently am. it’s awful but i’m alive.

spent thanksgiving, christmas, and every other holiday at work. it wasn’t really a big deal but it was obviously depressing.

at the beginning of december, broke down and bought a plane ticket back to dc. i had to pick up a poster from the anthem (a music venue), anyway. i stayed with paige and saw my old work friends and just had a good time. goddamn, it was cold, but it was worth it. i finally was able to tour the department of the interior and and i went to theodore roosevelt island for the first time since like freshman year. we even saw zoo lights and went to the christmas pop-up bar on 7th street again.

played basketball one time lmao

played jackbox countless times with my roommates and we made a few trips to jellyrolls, one of the best parts of disney world. i love to go there and sing and hear the piano.

spent new year’s eve at jellyrolls, coincidentally, where i stole a noisemaker and we all wore hats and sang “auld lang syne” when the clock struck midnight, just as you’re supposed to do.

laughed and cried while going through so many large life changes but still understanding that there is always some sort of constant in your life

drove more than i think i ever have before

went to several of the concerts they had for the food and wine festival -- saw people like air supply, starship, and the plain white t’s

listened to countless hours of music -- i think my most listened-to artists were springsteen, dylan, paul simon, maybe david cassidy, old crow medicine show, and lorde.

song of the year: “fare thee well (dink’s song),” marcus mumford and oscar isaac (from inside llewyn davis). it’s an incredible song to travel to.

was always conflicted about working for disney, but really became disgusted with the corporation the more i worked here. i will be happy to not work for them anymore when the time comes because it makes me so uncomfortable to be employed by an entity that doesn’t give a shit about its employees and milks every single fucking penny that it can out of its customers, all under the guise of being giving and magical by using terminology such as “interactions,” “magical moments,” and “guests”

considered my options after this is all over

loved the national park service and even wrote a capstone on it

2018 was the most eventful year of my life. i am not in school for the first time that i can remember; i have a degree. i travelled to more of the us than i ever knew really existed, i saw incredible concerts, and i met some truly wonderful people. but of course, the difficult moves that come along with a year like this were depressing. i knew i would be completely heartbroken when i had to leave the library back in august, but i didn’t realize how sorry i would also be to see my roommates go back to their homes at the end of their tenure at disney. it’s been 2 days, but i miss being able to hang out with them. to gain all the life experience i did, it was necessary to lose some really great parts of my old life. and that blew. but you get over it.

this year in review has taken me so long to write because i had so much to include that it seemed overwhelming to try to articulate it all. i think back to when i would wait until the night before a paper was due to start it, and i feel the same way. but the power in finishing it and having something tangible that points to a certain time in your life and explains the way you felt at that moment is like nothing else. even if the paper you write is shit, it never seems as bad (at least, to me) when you return to read through it a year or two later. it’s your thoughts set in stone, frozen in time. it’s a nice reminder. and i really enjoy writing these posts and i generally like what i write and how i say things, despite the inevitable procrastination in doing so.

i always think of “auld lang syne” when i do a year in review. sure, it’s a standard song for the new year and these year in reviews are written on or around the new year. but to write this, i have to think back to days gone by, before the year even started. and i get this feeling in my stomach of nostalgia and wistfulness (i’ve written about it before, i know) reflecting on the good ol days of these past 365 days and the times before them. we live in strange times right now, especially during what has become a two-week long (and counting!) partial government shutdown, but the memories of the warm past and the dreams of a better future are always going to be around to steady your head. without the abstract, how would we get to the concrete?

“we all cherish our children’s futures. and we are all mortal.”

#about me #me #a year in review #2018

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