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nightswithkookmin · 1 year

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The belief that tae and Jungkook could be together romantically is always something I found hilarious, esp when the narrative that jungkook broke up with Jimin and is now dating tae. It doesn’t add up simply because tae and koo are so adamant on not even shipping themselves with each other.

If Jungkook or Jimin ever broke up I doubt either one of them could date another member, let alone anyone for a long time. I love tae and kook’s friendship and we see how they’re both working on mending that, and this narrative that they’re dating simply because they’re spending time together is wild because we praise jimin for being a good friend and devoting time to those whom he loves and strengthening his friendships, but we can’t praise Tae for doing the same thing without there being that insecurity that tae and koo hanging out means they’re dating 🙃.

Even if jikook are going through a rough patch of whatever I highly doubt Jungkook would turn to tae for anything more than emotional support.

Also, goldy did you get the anchor for the minimoni ship, I got the sails and the motor!. The jikook captains have suddenly stopped steering and are nowhere in sight lol 🙃

Imagine that.

Jimin is allowed to have a soulmate in Tae but God forbid Jungkook has a partner in crime in Tae- even though they knew eachother first.

Glad to see them in a place that if I wasn't so petty I would describe as resembling a healthy dynamic.

It's been a conscious effort on both part to heal and nurture their bond- something that I feel was very necessary giving how the band was coming to- wherever they are now.

Would have been nasty messy to leave things the way that it was, in the state that it was. Sope Season one was everything we theorized it was wasn't it- a moment of healing the cracks.

And just as JM had been instrumental in brokering that peace and facilitating that heart to heart conversation, I believe he's been very much instrumental in whatever dynamic we see play out.

It's what any decent human being would do.

I mean, I think I mentioned a couple times how i felt the band and members had failed Tae- Kook as it seemed none had intervened to mitigate the break down of their relationship and had just stood there and watched their relationship decend down the firery steps of hell.

I'm always of the view- just because two people don't interact don't mean there's something wrong with their relationship.

For Jikook, other than a few moments of pettiness and passive aggressiveness on both sides, I dont think there relationship on a path to the level of breakdown we saw with Tuktuk.

A prevailing theory among tuktukkers during the times their ship was going through droughts was that Tuktuk were dating and were hiding their relationship thus chose not to interact with eachother.

Of course I and many others thought that was BS because Kpop has always been the best place to hide any relationship due to the prevalence of fan service.

Two gay men walking hand in hand down the streets is unacceptable. Two gay idols walking hand in hand down the street is fanservice.

How many times have Jikook or even tuktuk used Army as an excuse for taking private pictures?

It's asinine thus for anyone to claim kpop is unsafe a space to hide a gay relationship.

Granted, whenever such gay couple hiding in plain sight and under the guise of fanservice go over board so as to create suspicions, they recoil and must do so to protect themselves and their careers.

The opposite is true for those with Solo careers. Unless they were actively coming out to let others know of their sexuality, it would be difficult for anyone to clock that they were gay in the first place and the only way one could tell is if they assumed their sexuality, stereotyped them, or stalked them-

Without the evidence of the history of BTS as a band that lived together and did everything together, a person who just entered the Fandom say in 2023 wouldn't know what JM means to JK and vice versa.

Nor should it be easy for them to ascertain the level of intimacy between Tuktuk merely by looking at their interaction on social media.

From such a person's perspective, they probably are going to assume Tae and Kook just seem much closer than say Tae and JM or JM and JK and thus might conclude- erroneously- that Tuktuk are the besties of the group or worse that Tuktuk are real.

And one might take a look at JM's account and in the surface if it assume he's closest to RM, Jin, Hobi, or Suga more so than Tae and Jungkook.

It is what it is.

But none of that is true now is it?

This phenomenon is something that i always felt most newer Jikookers didn't seem to grasp- they weren't there to see the build up of Tae kook's relationship and friendship- they only met its breakdown in in medias res and so arrogantly believed Jikook were the best friends compared to those two.

And I had to explain constantly that that just wasn't the case.

Do I think we are seeing a break down of Jikook's friendship and relationship- absolutely not. Not in the way Tuktuk broke down.

But if in deed they are real, which I believe they are, then now really is the time for them to be cautious in the way they go about things.

We are not the only ones watching them and army are not the only ones hanging around blogs like mine💀

And I don't think Jungkook or JM can hide one gay ship with another gay ship by feeding and latching on to other people and ships.

JK cannot be"hiding" jikook with Tae Kook when Tae is also entangled in another dating rumor with another popular female idol.

Like I said, I just wish those two would behave normal for once💀

By those two I mean Jikook.

They make everything weird before they make it normal🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

First they hug like Jesus is watching them, act shook when the other says anything harmless as if they gave some secret away, drop jaws when they walk into a room with hidden cameras, now they can't even like each other's posts on IG like normal human beings

You can post on the internet you fell for a man because he is cool.

But try not to overreact over Jungkook performing at the world cup💀💀💀💀💀💀💀

Dude, like that was the world cup!!!

I would be gyrating on the floor😭😭😭😭😭

Same person you claim his sweat tastes like holy water💀

the restraints they exercise when it comes to eachother just gives them away for real💀

But as I said supra, such restraint is necessary post their Solo's.

Hobi recently posted a member and said he was trying to get fans jealous. I think they all know where the hate and vitriol stems from.

And personally, as someone who has had to read countless submissions from antis and sometimes PJMs who claim Jungkook's interaction with JM is what leads to the hate and misogyny JM faces in the Fandom- i don't blame him if he decides on exercising restraint.

We've seen them exercise restraint prior to and after whenever Hybe releases any Jikook related content or content that features mostly Jikook moments like memories 💀

And when we say JM is a private person people just don't seem to understand this concept. He really is a private individual. He loves people, supports whom he needs to support and can openly love on and dote on his friends. That's his personality.

But being private equally means being autonomous in deciding what he wants to do with his account. And this is how he is choosing to interact with Tae, Jk, and the others.

I can imagine how much it hurts them to receive hate from the fans of the people he loves. How much it hurts them to censor themselves in what they say and what they do.

There's a clip from an award show where someone tries to take a picture of Hobi and JM was in the way. He quietly moved to the side to let them have a better view of Hobi- forgetting he is a celebrity too and there were people with cameras trying to film him too or even him and Hobi as well because they ship them.

It's great that JHope is the type of person to support everybody, like everyone's post and try to comment. I think it's just the decent thing to do given the circumstances.

He tries not to let the haters of a member dictate for him how he has to interact with that member which is great.

It ties into the love all seven campaign they embarked on right before their Solos. They know they aren't loved equally.

And I think we've discussed this at length, you and I

These are men with too much free time on their hands. And for Jungkook who used to burrow his head into the sand and shun friends- he seemed to have found the value in relating to others.

Bet the phone rings once these days and he runs to picks up🤣🤣🤣

I mean he wanted to go out with friends during lock downs and all

He's been out and about reaching for humans rather than his phone- it's a good thing.

How available is JM in all this?

Dude is busy supporting his friends, fan boying over Namjoon, and coloring his hair🥺

No seriously, he's busy with his album preparation

And it's so like Jm to immerse himself in whatever thing he does. Nows just not the time to film drunken dance challenges for tiktok🙂

And by the way, if Jhope hadn't forgotten to add his dance to his compilation - I digress.

Jk is being forced to occupy his time one way or the other and I know it kills him on the down low that JM is just unavailable

He and Tae should keep bonding over their JM withdrawal symptoms 🙂

Just like old times.

Jk: I miss Jimin do you think I should text him?

Tae: no we need to prove our worth. Stay strong. Let him come to us.

JK: but it's been two months bro

I'm just gonna send him a thirstrap on his bday to let him know just what he is missing.

Tae: 👁👄👁

I'll remember them both in my prayers tonight🤧

Forget tuktukkers they stopped making sense in 1800

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emblemxeno · 1 year

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Things about FE Engage that I like

Since it’s almost 2 weeks before release, I’m gonna list things that I like in no particular order.

-Visuals! The game is the prettiest and most stylish the series has ever looked, especially in 3D. Environments are bright! Attacks have flourish! Everything is smooth in motion! Very, very fun to look at. And honestly I’m in the minority in that there’s no character design that I dislike, mostly because I love camp and gaudy lol.

-Story. Nobody knows much about it yet, but it looks easier to follow and appreciate, which is a breath of fresh air after Three Houses. No split routes (thank god), and even though the villainous faction is/seems to be “less morally gray”, it seems akin to past FE stories where things will probably be more emotionally charged within the party. So many royal siblings, the Brodia Brothers are (probably) gonna lose their dad, the Elusia sisters are looking to be betraying their country, the fact that the 4 countries are so different right off the bat just oozes potential. We’ll see for certain whether I’m impressed by the end, but as of now I like what I see.

-The attitude/presentation. The game is pretty aware that it’s camp and fun. There’s workout and rail shooting minigames for crying out loud. Casual clothes and dining! Something like Private Quarters! POLISHING RINGS LIKE THE BADGES IN THE GEN 4 POKEMON GAMES. Love it.

-Somniel! Like a 3D My Castle, something I vastly prefer over Garreg Mach. You can just do your regular business in the shops and head out, but if you wanna do other stuff to improve stats or chat with allies, you can! Everything is as mandatory as you want it to be, and no calendar nor set geographical location means you’re not limited by a mechanic or story boundaries to do what you want.

-Weapon Triangle improvements! The Break system is a perfect solution to making the WT viable throughout the entire game. Having just a Hit/Avoid/Slight Damage Reduction was nice in early parts of other games, but honestly could start getting pretty irrelevant near the mid-point. The Break system remedies that, giving constant incentive to utilizing it. It also gives more value to Player Phase, and enemies being able to use it too means you gotta be doubly aware. I genuinely hope this mechanic (or something similar) is kept in future titles.

-Battle Styles! The things like Backup, Covert, Flying, etc. give each class their own niche and bonuses beyond just weapons types, and I think it’s fabulous.

-Static weapon ranks and weapon talents! Engage took a page from FE4 by just having set weapon ranks for classes/characters. There’s also weapon talents, like in Three Houses, but they tweaked it in a way that I much prefer. Characters have talents, which let them access other classes (e.g. if you have talents in lance and sword, you can access classes that use lances and/or swords) but like weapon ranks you don’t have to grind experience for them. There’s also natural talents, which increase the weapon ranks by one stage when applicable (e.g. Alcryst I think has a talent in axe and and a natural talent in bow, so he can switch into classes that reuqire one of those talents, and his bow rank will be higher than regular talented bow characters). Furthermore, you can inherit talents from bonding with Emblems, once again mitigating grinding beyond use of the new and powerful mechanic.

-Differing types of classes! There’s Sword, Axe, and Lance armor knights and Sword, Axe, and Lance cavs like in the Tellius games, but also Axe and Sword fliers, Heroes that use axes or lances alongside swords, wolf knights that use swords, axes, or lances alongside daggers, etc. This lifts another restriction by letting characters have more freedom in choosing classes with less possible talents, i.e. you can be a Hero class with an axe or a lance, so long as you still have a sword talent. In fact, I think the only restriction besides personal classes is that Pegasus Knights are female only (as lame as that is, it’s a tradition and expected for an anniversary game), but even then, Griffin Knights seem to be replacing Falcon Knights (since they have staff access) and are most likely gender neutral because of the lack of Pegasi.

-Emblems!!! They give unique weapons and skills and attacks. And I’m glad that they seem busted, cuz they should make the shiny new mechanic for the anniversary game OP, it’s fun!

-Fanservice for FE fans! Even beyond the Emblems themselves, the game is really appreciative of past FE games. Amiibo support lets you get the lords’ outfits and past music tracks, there are remixed versions of said tracks new to Engage, bond rings are a neat way to incorporate non-lord characters from past games into Engage in some way, and there’s entire throwback maps for each Emblem! Hell, even the small stuff like each Emblem’s engage weapons being modeled after the version in their home games (Ike’s Hammer is the RD look of the hammer and Sigurd’s Ridersbane is the FE4 TCG look for ridersbane) make me smile! Even similar weapons like Marth’s Rapier and Eirika’s Rapier have distinct looks to separate them, and that’s so cool!!!

There are other things too, like the music sounds great so far (but I haven’t heard enough of it nor for long enough to give an opinion), VA work is good, Alear as a protagonist I’m enjoying, there seems to be unique map objectives, the investment mechanic is fucking rad, SOMMIE IS SUPER CUTE!!!

As a whole, I’m just super excited for this game.

#fire emblem #fire emblem engage

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yoonpobs · 3 years

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Omg requests are open AAAHHH

may i request an oblivious oc and tsundere yoongi who likes holding oc's hands and idk like maybe oc thinks it's bc his hands are cold and his friends make fun of him and oc only realizes yoongi likes her when they spill his secret

as a yoongi stan, this is my guilty pleasure and this absolutely KILLED ME ily for asking this 🤣and double update today???? who am I?????

hope you enjoy this v fluffy and v yoongi piece <3

pairing: tsundere!yoongi x oblivious&clumsy!oc

genre: FLUFFFFFFFFFFFFF

warnings: lots of squealing into ur pillow moments. taehyung, jimin & jin being the saviours tbh

words: 3, 136

Yoongi is staring at you like you spilt milk over his favourite pair of sneakers and you have no idea what to make of it.

“Uh …” You drag, blinking up at him with wide eyes when all he does is level you with a blank stare.

You can hear the distinct chatter of your friends in the background, likely already having their go skating around the rink. They always left you and Yoongi alone, for whatever reason it may be. But you weren’t complaining, you wanted to give him your gift in private!

But when Yoongi only stares at the mass of knit in your palms as you hold it out to him, you can only feel your ears flush an embarrassing shade of red at the subtle gesture of rejection.

Yoongi was by no means a malicious person, but he was very clear-cut. He was straightforward and it was definitely one of his qualities that you admired the most about him. His ability to mitigate any situation, or look at things objectively was something that you struggled with for the most part of your life. Which is why some people would mistake him for cold or uncaring, but you knew better.

“Do you … do you not like it?” You ask meekly, eyes darting everywhere but his as they continue to stare you down.

Yoongi doesn’t say a word. Instead, he grabs your hands with his larger palm where your gift lays and observes it, scrutinises it as if he’s there to pick apart any stray strand of yarn. His hand, despite his exterior, is soft and gentle when he holds you; and your brain short-circuits for a good five seconds when he traces a thumb over your knuckles.

“It’s cute.” He shrugs.

Your eyebrows furrow in confusion. Your eyes dart down to your hands and somehow you find them in a familiar position. His fingers intertwined with yours and his palm engulfing yours entirely.

“T-Then why don’t you—” You try to pull away, making an effort to dangle your hand-woven mittens in front of him in hopes of attracting his appeal towards it.

But he doesn’t even bat an eye, just sighs and squeezes your hand tighter.

“I’m holding your hand.” He says pointedly, shooting you a serious stare.

You stutter for a response, and despite the chill in the air you hope he can allude to the redness of your cheeks a result of the wind that blows past you and not the flustered state you find yourself in when he tugs your body closer to his.

You suppose you found a bad spot to give him the mittens because you nearly stumble into his chest at how wobbly you are on skates. You planned his gift for weeks, fully aware that your group of friends was intending on coming to ice-skate.

“I’m really bad at ice-skating. I’ll just slow you down.” You huff with a frown, still attempting to tug your hand away.

Yoongi rolls his eyes, “I literally don’t care.”

You gape at his bluntness and scowl when he only offers you a lazy smirk. His hand is still tightly wrapped around your own, and you sigh, knowing that it was hopeless to fight against Yoongi when he was far stronger than you were.

“I can skate with Tae or something, he and I are pretty much—“

“No.” Yoongi blinks.

You splutter, “E-Excuse—?”

He snatches the mittens from your other hand and shoves them into his pocket. The action is so quick that you can barely register the way Yoongi is tugging your forehead as you flounder on your feet, already feeling unstable at the way the ice is set on making you fall.

But Yoongi is there like he always is, and he rests a gentle palm on your waist and shoots you a rare and soft smile that makes your heart weak.

“I’ll teach you.” He says it like it’s obvious, “Just hold my hand.”

“Yoongi, I really don’t think—” You weakly protest when he pulls you closer until you’re nestled comfortably by his side, his face set forward as he blatantly ignores you.

“Stop being so stubborn and hold on tight.” He scolds, squeezing your hand when he feels your fingers loosen its grip.

You pout, your other hand patting your cheek in hopes of easing the burning of your cheeks.

Lest to say, you are horrid at ice-skating and you wished you stayed home.

Your two left feet was probably the least interesting thing about you, yet it was the one thing that left a lasting impression on the people you’ve met. Whether it be because you tripped up a flight of stairs as you rushed to your next lecture, or if you accidentally torpedoed into a bush while you were attempting to penny

“How are you even real?” He huffs, fingers intertwined tightly with your own. You’re grateful he has a lethal grip on you because you don’t think you’re ready to be doused in ice, even if it was at your own accord.

“I’m sorry!” You whine, hand still clasped with his.

Yoongi doesn’t let go, even if you’re stable on your feet. He never does. He only holds your hand tighter, grumbling something about your clumsiness as he uses his spare hand to adjust the strap of his bag over his shoulders. When he shoots you a look, you feel very much like a scolded child as you pout up at his narrowed eyes.

“What would you do if I wasn’t holding your hand, huh?” He laments, eyes rolling while he tugs you towards the direction of your friends who have somehow all gathered at the corner of the rink.

You stare at your feet, tittering to keep up with his long strides as he keeps the hold on your hand firm.

“Look, I don’t ask to be swept away—!” You retort petulantly, but Yoongi completely ignores you as he squeezes your hand in response, right as he stops in front of your friends.

You’re still sulking when Yoongi doesn’t let go, shooting you a look that has you pursing your lips shut.

“Lovely for the two of you to join us,” Jimin snorts.

Yoongi doesn’t say anything, but you miss the lethal glare he shoots at your mutual friend.

“I’m sorry that my skating skills can’t keep up with you,” You huff.

You see Jin’s eyes dart down to your intertwined hands, before looking up; a knowing smirk on his face that you can’t decipher.

“Seems like Yoongi has it all settled.” He snickers, nudging Jimin by the side.

You can feel Yoongi roll his eyes next to you, even if you pout at Jin’s words.

“At this rate, I think you’re basically joined by the hands,” Jimin says smugly.

You blink.

“She’ll fall,” Yoongi says blankly.

“Look, I said I’d skate with Tae but he’s so adamant!” You cry.

Yoongi shoots you a dry glare, before briefly releasing your hand. You splutter for a second, surprised at the sudden coldness that engulfs your grip and the emptiness that you feel when he no longer has his fingers intertwined with your own.

“What—?” You furrow your brows but Yoongi pats you on the hand to ease your confusion.

“I’m getting you hot chocolate. Your hands are freezing.” He murmurs, and to prove his point; he grabs your fingers and rubs soothing circles on your knuckles to provide you with any warmth he could.

If your hands weren’t warm, then your cheeks definitely were. You couldn’t hold eye contact with Yoongi because he was staring at you so intently that you may have been the one to melt into a puddle on the ice.

“But the mittens—!” You call, but he’s already skating away to the confectionary stand where they sell hot chocolate.

You sigh, dejected as you frown. Did he really hate the mittens that much?

“You are so stupid.” Jin gawks at you with a shake of his head.

You turn your head so fast that you nearly fall over, but Jimin’s grip on your wrist prevents you from doing so.

“And clumsy, God, no wonder hyung won’t let you go.” He scolds.

You frown, “Hey! What the hell is up with the slander?” You whine.

Taehyung stumbles into the conversation, quite literally almost smashing his body against the divider but he manages to balance himself by gripping the hell out of Jin’s shoulders.

“You deserve it,” He sticks his tongue out as you gape at him.

“What?! Why?” You hiss, “You literally just entered the conversation!”

Taehyung rolls his eyes, “And I’ve had to see you and hyung doddle around each other for ages so spare me the fucking brain cells because clearly, you need it more than I do.”

“What—?” You splutter.

“You are literally the densest person on this planet.” Jin blinks.

“What are you guys even talking about?” You cry.

Jimin shoots you a dry look, willing the God’s above to give you a semblance of rationality or logic to put two and two together.

“The hand-holding? The constant going out of his way to do things for you? The fact that you’re the only person he’ll ever smile at even if you do the dumbest shit ever?” Taehyung exasperates.

You blink.

“It’s winter and his fingers get really cold—!”

Jin groans, tugging at his hair in frustration.

“No, you idiot! Yoongi literally doesn’t get cold. He’s the human equivalent of a furnace! He literally doesn’t give a shit if he freezes to death. The only reason why he ever holds your hand is that he wants to!” He yells, grabbing you by the shoulder as he shakes your body while you stare up at him with wide eyes.

Does that mean—?

“He hates the mittens?” You cry, face crumbling.

You see Taehyung, Jimin and Jin’s face fall as they all share a look of disbelief.

“I’m sorry but I have no way to defend you.” Jimin blinks.

“I just wanted to do something nice for him! He’s always taking care of me and I thought knitting him a pair of mittens would help with the cold …” You mumble, eyes darting down to your feet as your voice trails off into a whisper.

“Okay, I know I promised hyung I wouldn’t say anything until she figured it out herself but I can’t take it anymore.” Taehyung seethes to the other boys.

Your eyes dart up, furrowing in confusion as Jimin and Jin’s eyes widen at Taehyung’s statement.

“Figured what—?”

“Dude, Yoongi is going to kill you,” Jin warns.

Taehyung scoffs, “Like I give a shit. I’m losing brain cells listening to her speak so this is an act of self-preservation. He’s going to thank me and so are you.”

“What are you—?” You huff.

“Yoongi likes you!” He exasperates, throwing his hands into his air.

The silence is overwhelming, as the four of you simply blink at each other. Your brain is processing his words, but it doesn’t really make sense. You’re confused as you attempt to deduce the meaning behind it until you come to a conclusion—

You look over at Jimin, “Are the two of you—?”

Jimin wants to scream.

“No, oh my God! Yoongi likes you! You!” He shakes you so hard that your head spins, “He likes you so much it’s disgusting and cute so you better do something about it and not accustom us to this torture anymore, okay?!”

Before you can say anything else, you feel a gentle hand on your shoulder. You blink up, and you see Yoongi offering you a cup of hot chocolate, eyeing the rest of the boys weirdly as they stand there with tightened expressions.

“Here you go,” He says softly, helping you blow onto the steaming cup before gently placing it into your hand.

It warms you up immediately, and you only then managed to piece together what Taehyung and Jimin just told you. The realisation dawns upon you as a scandalised expression makes its way onto your face. Yoongi raises an eyebrow, observing the odd behaviour of the four of you as the three boys ignore his pointed gaze.

“L-Let’s go take a seat,” You stutter, pushing on his chest with your free hand as you attempt to skate away from the wandering eyes. The pressure was too much.

“Hey, hold on, you’ll fall.” He gently chides, doing what comes as second nature to him as he grabs your other hand, giving you a squeeze of reassurance.

As the two of you skate away, you miss the sighs that leave the three boys’ lips.

“So, is there a reason why you tried to skate away like you were an Olympian?” Yoongi asks when the two of you managed to settle down in a small bench outside of the rink, tucked a decent distance away.

You look down at your palms, squeezing around the hot chocolate as you pay attention to the steam that escapes the surface.

The words from Jimin was essentially still haunting you, and you wondered if this was some sick joke of his to get back at you for mixing up his toothpaste with his shampoo a few months back. You sulk because this was a really mean joke and your feelings were about to get really hurt if he was lying to you.

“Hey,” Yoongi murmurs, hand reaching out to tilt your chin up to look at him. His stare is so intense that you find yourself cowering away, cheeks red and embarrassed. “Look at me.”

You can’t.

“I-I … there’s nothing wrong!” You squeak, eyes travelling and landing on different people that wasn’t Yoongi. Anyone that wouldn’t cause your insides to melt with just his gaze alone.

Yoongi purses his lips in disapproval, sighing before he sets his hot chocolate by the table next to the bench and turns to face you. You knew that you had no place to run, especially when Yoongi essentially traps you with his eyes, observing your every move.

“You’re shaking.” He points out.

And only then do you realise that you were shaking, and your hands were basically vibrating with the hot chocolate. You cursed at yourself, and the cold.

“I-I’m cold.” You chatter.

Yoongi frowns, reaching out his hand to immediately grab your own to warm them up. But when you spot his hands, you squeak, immediately retracting them as if he was about to bite them off.

You realise how it looks, and you notice the slight drop in Yoongi’s expression when you reacted the way you did.

“Are you—?” He begins to ask, slow and tentative.

“Not my hands!” You blurt out.

Yoongi pauses for a second before he relaxes his posture and raises a brow at you in questioning.

“Okay …?” He drags, “Where are you cold? Do you need my jacket?” He asks.

You curse at yourself because you didn’t know how to get yourself out of this situation. Especially now that Yoongi was patiently waiting for your response. Your thighs were essentially brushed up against each other, and his body was leaned over ever so slightly that you catch every strand of eyelashes on his eyes.

You were so weak.

“N-No, I … you can keep your jacket.” You stutter, shaking your head as you pat his puffer down when he goes to shrug it off.

Yoongi’s frown deepens, “Well, can you tell me where so I can help—?”

“My lips!” You declare, voice high pitched and loud enough that it attracts a few stares from bystanders.

Yoongi just stares at you, and you’re mortified when you realise what you said, but you can’t seem to stop now that you’ve already dug a hole for yourself.

“My … lips … they’re ... cold,” You clear your throat, blinking up at him with a false sense of determination in hopes of shielding the way your face is undoubtedly on fire right now.

“Your lips … are cold?” He articulates each world tentatively as he observes your face for any reaction.

You nod.

“Yeah. Cold.” You say.

Oh my God, shut up!

Before you can even run away, and it’s as if Yoongi expects you to flee, he pins your hands down with his own and draws closer to your face so quickly that you can barely even catch his next move.

And kisses you.

Smack on the lips.

He pulls away too fast for your liking, and you’re gaping at him like a fish out of the water when you realise what he did.

“You—” You croak, pointing a finger at him.

But Yoongi leans in once more, pressing a firmer kiss to your lips, one that sends your brain into overdrive as you feel yourself melt into his hold. If you were cold, you definitely weren’t anymore. Not when Yoongi is pressed against you like a warm lover by the fireplace.

He pulls away first, again, and you notice the tip of his ears turning red before he offers you that charming smile of his.

“Took you long enough,” He sighs, reaching out to cradle your jaw in his palm. And only then do you realise that Jimin was right, his hand is warm.

“W-What?”

He rolls his eyes fondly, ignoring the way you stare up at him with confused and wide eyes; likely still absorbing what just happened.

“Just hold my hand,” He tuts, reaching in between the both of you to intertwine your fingers together once more as he rests your combined hands on his lap.

“Does this mean …?” You ask shyly, head ducking away from his eyes.

He smiles at you, and you notice that it’s the same look he’s always had whenever he speaks to you.

He brings the back of your hand to his lips and presses a gentle peck to it, causing heat to rise to your cheeks all over again.

“You warm now, cutie?” He murmurs.

You melt, “Oh my God! Don’t—just—I’m literally going to die!” You whine, shoving your face into his puffer as you scream at his suaveness.

He chuckles, low and deep as he unlocks your hands to wrap an arm around your body, tugging you closer until you’re practically glued to his hip like a koala.

“Don’t die on me now,” He sighs, “Just got you to myself.”

“I hate you so much.” Your complaint is muffled into his puffer, but you can feel his grin on the top of your forehead when he presses a warm kiss to it.

“That’s disappointing. I like you very much,” He returns.

You blush, but you don’t push him away when he laughs into your hair, the sound making you melt further into his arms.

You liked him, too.

#YOOOONGI #so cute #help me #tsundere yoongi #oblivious oc #yoongi fluff #yoongi drabble #yoongi scenario #bts fanfic #suga imagine #bts x reader #bts imagine #bts fluff #yoongi

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thefogoflife · 3 years

Text

I think a big friction point of the debate over the banning of Trump from Twitter boils down to one question: is social media considered a public good?

Because, here's the thing. Obviously, and this is from someone in the middle that tends to lean right, the majority of the nation and world has wished that he was banned. Regardless of whether or not you support Trump's policies, I think the majority of human beings can agree that he was petulant, unprofessional, and outright dishonest in his social media presence.

He shared dishonest and unreputable/extremist news sources (again, this is from someone that consumes conservative media, and I will say that Qanon, Breitbart, etc, is not acceptable for the leader of the free world, or generally most people, to post to the masses, especially as proof alongside actual journalistic sources), legitimizing them by being promoted by the president, giving them a mouthpiece to spread other dishonest or radical rhetoric.

He used his presence to interfere in the economy, by telling people not to buy from certain stores (the case I'm talking about is because Ivanka had a deal that fell through with the company, I forget which, and he was trying to influence it), which the president is not supposed to do.

He also conducted smear campaigns and constant barrages of insults at opponents of all kinds. Not thoughtful, heated debate, but just insults, which normalized it for both sides of the aisle and further destroyed bipartisan discourse.

Even if you only agree with me on one of these points being valid (even though all of them are true and documented), a president should do none of these things, as they're supposed to set the supreme example for not just the US, but for the free world to follow. Again, I'm not talking about policy, I'm talking about personal conduct.

So I think it's fairly established that most people think he deserves to be deplatformed, or even if they don't think he deserves it/is entitled to his rights, it's safe to assume they wish he would shut up, or tone it down and act more professionally. Essentially, if this man was acting this way on the internet and wasn't the president/representative of a party that includes half the nation, he would be an internet villain/pariah.

However, even if the majority of people wish he would shut up, or would love for him to be deplatformed, the reason this is being decried is because of the implications of the action. The president has been censored, and does that set a precedent that political censorship is now going to become commonplace? Political social media bans have almost exclusively been of conservatives, despite both sides committing egregious misconduct and unprofessionalism. I would chalk this up to the fact that social media users, as well as most founders, lean left, and therefore have a bias that makes the conduct seem unbalanced.

But I digress.

I personally am concerned about the precedent this sets as well, but simultaneously I've wanted that oaf to shut up for half a decade now (a big part of my candidate choice is how the conduct and carry themselves, as I care greatly for geopolitics and grand strategy, and professionalism is a vital component).

But the arguing about it isn't going to help solve anything. The argument we need to have is: is social media a public good? Or should it be run as a private company providing a service? If so, that means that censorship, even of the politically biased variety, is justified, as it is at the companies' discretion.

This, technically speaking, should be the free market/libertarian/libright perspective, as it promotes limited government and independent action of actors in a free market.

However, many conservatives seem to be abandoning this small government perspective because the precedent and implication for a dystopian censorship of only conservative entities (or maybe just strict censorship in general), is terrifying. The only way to mitigate this that I see would be to consider social media a public good, as then the companies would have to be held accountable in preserving constitutional rights. However, this could lead to a nationalization/federalization of social media, and then the state controls the flow of information, and we're right back at dystopia.

A further layer on this is, if social media is not a public good, is the internet? And if that answer is yes, then do these companies have obligation to preserve constitutional rights because they are dispensing their service via a public good?

I think these are the true questions, and important ones at that. I think that this discourse can be civil, as it has opportunity for the left to understand advocating free market/limited government policies to better society (letting social media companies act independently in order to be able to ban people at their discretion), and the right to understand advocating for government oversight/regulation to preserve freedoms (considering social media as a public good to hold companies accountable for the preservation of free speech).

It's a very weird, mirror world, inverted beliefs kind of scenario, but I think it is a really good starting point for civil discourse and the depolarization of politics, if the debate catches on.

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nordleuchten · 3 years

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are there any sources that say how lafayette reacted to the death of washington and his other friends from america??

Hello Anon,

yes, we do know La Fayette’s reaction - pretty exactly actually. George Washington died on December 14, 1799 and La Fayette wrote to Washington’s widow, Martha Washington, on February 28, 1800. The letter is today hold by the Digital Collection from The Washington Library.

Dearest Madam

My Heart Has for So Long a time and So throughly Been known to You, that I Need Not, Nor indeed Could I Express the feelings Which Over Whelm it—While the world is Mourning, and Mankind weeping Over the irreparable Loss, What Must it Be to You, My dear Madam, the object of His Love, the Companion of His Life, the partner of His Sentiments, the Happy witness to All His private and public virtues? What Must it Be to me, Who from My Youth Have Been Blessed with His paternal Adoption, and Who Ever Have deserved it By the Most filial Affection for Him and for You, Who United in Every thing were particularly So in Your kindness to me? - Continue, I beseech you, to Honour me with this Maternal Predilection, the more necessary to me, as in you, dearest Madam, I Both Love and Revere What Remains of My Respected and Beloved General - My Mind is so wed to introduce Him in every thought, every Sentiment, every Concern of Mine that I Hardly Can Believe that, While I am Living, He Has left us, Nor Could I forgive Myself No to Have personally received His Last Blessing. Had I Not the Remembrance of the Advice By Which You know He Has Repeatedly differed My Departure for America - the Circumstances are Coming on Which Had appeared to Him to proper- for Our Meeting - But Alas, in this World We Can No More Meet! I would think it for me a Sacred and Staeing[sic] Duty to Go Over and Mingle My Tears With Yours, Had I not Lately Reentered My Native Country Where, although I Live in perfect Retirement, and With not Have Any thing to do With public affairs, I am Bound to forward the Business of My friends, Several of Whom, Who followed me in 1792, are to the paine[sic] of Being Restored to their Homes and families - I owe it also to My Creditors and Children to pick up the Remains of My fortune - My Son, not Less a partaker in My Grief than in My Obligations and Gratitude, Has the Honour to write to you, and would Have Gone to Mount Vernon, Had Not the Continuation of the War engaged Him in the Military Senite where He expects to Be Soon employed - But we Both Live in the Hope to present You Again, dearest Madam, the personal Homage of our Respectful Love; and everlasting Regrets Shall ever Make us worthy of the parental affection which from the Greatest and Best of Men, which from You, Dear Madam, we Both Had the Happiness to experience - My Wife, With a Mourning, affectionate Heart, joins in My Sentiments, and as well as the Rest of My family Beg to Be More Respectfully, tenderly Remembered to You - Be pleased to let me Hear from You as often as You Can - permit me to Hold with You the Correspondence I Had with My Beloved General and think often of that adoptive Son of His who with dutiful Respect, and warm, Grateful, filial affection Has the Honour to be

dear Madam

Your obedient Servant and friend

Lafayette

Martha Washington replied to La Fayette on October 31, 1800:

Mount Vernon October 31st 1800

Dear Sir

It was not until very lately that your sympathetic and affectionate letter of the 18th of febary reached my hands - The feeling manner in which you have expressed your sense of the loss which I have sustained demands my greatful acknowledgement. The tribute of respectful veneration which has been every where paid to the memory of my dear deceased Husband, and the tender sympathy which my friends have expressed for the irreparable loss, excites my warmest sensibility, -- But my consolation arises only from that source of infinite wisdom and good help which alone can mitigate our grief and lessen the poignancy of the keenest affliction -- To his will do I resign my self for the few remaining days of my life - Knowing the strong ties by which you were bound to my departed Friend I can readily conceive of your feeling upon hearing of his decease, and I am sure it was not among the least of the manifold afflictions which you have of late years undergone.

To the amiable partner of your heart and the rest of your deserving family I pray you to have my sincear and greatful thanks for their tender sympathy; and be isured that you have my ernest prayers that your and their future years may be freed from that cloud of suffering in which you have been so long involved -, and that every blessing which heaven has in store for the virtuous may be showered upon you,- should you or they visit this country - I need not say how happy I should be to see you under my roof - and it will always afford me the highest satisfaction to hear of your welfare

The kind letter from your son came in closed in yours, for which I pray you to return him my best thanks and issure him that his friends hear hold him in affectionate rememberance and sincerely wish that his career in life may be glorious and happy - with esteem and regard

Im dear sir your friend and obedient(?) servant.

Martha Washington

There is something special about this letter. Martha received at least 55 letters of condolences that we know of, more than 40 of the people who wrote her received a reply - but most of these replies were not written by her but by others, Tobias Lear for example, in her name. La Fayette’s was one of fife identified persons who received a reply written by herself. Martha also send La Fayette two pistols, that Washington bequeathed to the Marquis in his will. Washington wrote in his will:

“To General de la Fayette I give a pair of finely wrought steel Pistols, taken from the enemy in the Revolutionary War.”

La Fayette’s son, Georges Washington de La Fayette, also wrote Martha. He enclosed his letters in the letter written by his father. Beside these letters, there is also an earlier account that illustrates La Fayette’s thoughts about Washington’s demise. Shortly before La Fayette sailed for France in 1784 after his third visit to the United States, Washington wrote him the following on December 8, 1784:

“In the moment of our separation upon the road as I travelled, & every hour since—I felt all that love, respect & attachment for you, with which length of years, close connexion & your merits, have inspired me. I often asked myself, as our Carriages distended, whether that was the last sight, I ever should have of you? And tho’ I wished to say no—my fears answered yes. I called to mind the days of my youth, & found they had long since fled to return no more; that I was now descending the hill, I had been 52 years climbing—& that tho’ I was blessed with a good constitution, I was of a short lived family—and might soon expect to be entombed in the dreary mansions of my father’s—These things darkened the shades & gave a gloom to the picture, consequently to my prospects of seeing you again: but I will not repine—I have had my day.”

To that La Fayette replied on December 21, 1784:

“I Have Received Your Affectionate letter Of the 8th inst., and from the known Sentiments of My Heart to You, You will Easely guess what My feelings Have Been in perusing the tender Expressions of Your friendship—No, my Beloved General, our late parting was Not By Any Means a last interview—My whole Soul Revolts at the idea—and Could I Harbour it an instant, indeed, my dear General, it would make me Miserable (…)”

On February 8, 1800, France held an official funeral service for George Washington. Everybody expected La Fayette to give a eulogy to Washington but that did not happen. More so, La Fayette was explicitly excluded from the funeral. Why? Because Napoléon Bonaparte, who had just risen to power, did not felt like it and because he was a bit petty.

As with regard to his other friends in America, there is not as much documentation that I know of. Washington wrote to La Fayette on October 20, 1782 that John Laurens had died.

“Poor Laurens is no more—He fell in a trifling skirmish in South Carolina, attempting to prevent the Enemy from plundering the Country of Rice (…)”

I am sure La Fayette was saddened by his friends death, but I have never seen him mentioning it. Moving on to Hamilton, who died on July 12, 1804, La Fayette wrote Thomas Jefferson on October 8, 1804 that:

“The Deplorable fate of My friend Hamilton Has deeply Afflicted me—I am Sure that whatever Have Been the differences of parties, you Have Ever Been Sensible of His Merits, and Now feel for His Loss.”

He further wrote to George Washington Parke Custis after Hamilton’s death that:

“Hamilton was to me, my dear Sir, more than friend, he was a brother. We were both very young, when associated with our common father; our friendship, formed in days of peril and glory, suffered no diminution from time: with Tilghman and with Laurens, I was upon terms the most affectionate; but with Hamilton, my relations were brotherly.”

Another close friend of La Fayette, Thomas Jefferson, died on July 4, 1826 and La Fayette discussed his death in a letter to James Monroe on November 28, 1826. I sadly have no full access to this letter so I can only tell you that Jefferson’s death was discussed in the letter, but not what La Fayette actually wrote.

I hope you have/had an awesome day!

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astralaffairs · 3 years

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concept: first lady mc reads of fotp!tjeff’s speeches and edits them for all the things she thinks are stupid or unethical. and he’s like “sweetheart, my party isn’t ready for universal healthcare. i can’t be pissing people off within the first month of my presidency.” but she couldn’t give a fuck and continues marking up his speeches with a red pen all while insisting he gets a new speech writer.

y'all need 2 STOP hitting me w concepts i like this much i have 0 self control and WILL write every damn one of them. there are like 4 sitting in my inbox rn smh.

(by which i mean pls keep sending me concepts like this i love writing fotp drabbles)

---

"What're you still doin' up?"

Y/N's eyebrows shot up as she looked up; a small, tired smile graced her lips as Thomas entered their bedroom, shaking his blazer off as the door fell shut behind him. "Hey. I'm glad you're back," she said softly. "I've just been tying up a few final loose ends with what I've been working on before I go to sleep."

"Can it wait until the morning?" he asked. He laid his blazer on the back of a chair at the side of the room before immediately starting to loosen his tie. "It's gettin' late. And I miss spendin' time with you. You work too much."

She scoffed, but her smile was only growing at his words. "Did you, the President of the United States, just tell me that I work too much?" He rolled his eyes as she spoke, just discarding his tie on the floor beside their bed. "That really is rich coming from you."

"Yeah, yeah, make fun all you want," he said, crossing the room to join her on their couch, "but you always overwork yourself, and you know it. You've been doin' it for as long as I've known you."

"Alright, I'll come to bed in a few minutes." He took a seat behind her, and when he rested his hand on her inner thigh, it sent shivers rippling across her skin. She looked up. "You go get some sleep. I'll finish this quickly. I promise."

"What're you workin' on, anyway?" She didn't protest when he withdrew the paper from her lap, glancing over it, and the corners of his lips quirked up. "Is this the address I'm givin' on Friday?"

"The very same."

"You shouldn't be losin' sleep over this," he said matter-of-factly, turning his head back toward her as he squeezed the top of her thigh lightly. "Either lose sleep spendin' time with your dear, sweet husband who's fucking sick of thinkin' about legislation, or just come to bed, hm?"

He passed her back the paper, instead looping an arm around her waist as he kicked his legs up onto their coffee table, and when he pulled her in to rest against his shoulder, she put up no protest.

"Just five more minutes. I promise." The barely-concealed yawn in her voice made Thomas look down at her skeptically.

"Alright, but I'm holdin' you to that. If you're still working in five minutes, I'll carry you to bed myself."

"No complaints here." She turned her head to kiss the corner of his mouth gently before she turned back to her paper, fidgeting with her red pen as she reached the last page of the document. Thomas's eyes had fallen shut; he was more than content to just sit there with her until she finished, as he had no desire whatsoever to think anymore about pushing his healthcare bill through Congress.

He opened his eyes when Y/N scoffed. Her pen ran down the page in a long slash, and she was pursing her lips as she jotted notes in the margins, but it made Thomas furrow his brow.

"Hey, now, what was so wrong with that paragraph?"

"Seriously?" She raised a skeptical eyebrow, glancing back at him. "You keep treating healthcare like it's some privilege that poor people should have to grovel at the feet of the rich to have access to. It can't be conditional like this."

"I'm not actin' like that," he defended. "I'm just sayin', hiking up taxes threefold isn't a sustainable way to fund this. It'd be an overreach from Congress. We've gotta use money efficiently."

"You fucking libertarian," she muttered. "The part of the bill about work requirements is gonna get killed in Congress. There's no way the House Democrats will vote to pass it unless you get rid of that."

"What's that got to do with my speech?"

"You're misrepresenting the legislation if you keep that paragraph," she said, proceeding to scribble out a sentence in the paragraph after. "And get rid of this. If you're trying to implement a public option, focusing on the private sector will get you nowhere. You're just gonna make people angry."

"I'm not 'misrepresenting' anything." He scowled. "Both those things are important for the bill."

"But this isn't a bill, Thomas; it's a speech," she huffed. "Anyway, the legislation needs to be universalized, or you can't 'mitigate poverty' how you claim to. Do you have any idea how many of the people who can't meet the work requirements on healthcare are going to end up in poverty because they can't afford the care they need?"

"I hear you," he started, "but this is the best way to make it more affordable without tankin' the economy."

"Have you even considered capital gains taxes?"

"That's gonna kill entrepreneurship."

"You're so full of it sometimes," Y/N scoffed. "'Entrepreneurs' won't be affected. It only affects, like, Jeff Bezos and Mark Zuckerberg, and they have so many assets that it literally doesn't matter."

"I'm not gonna sit here and argue with you about this. I'm not sayin' you're wrong, but I am sayin' this bill needs to be somethin' I can convince the Senate to pass," he said, and Y/N rolled her eyes.

"Then write a new bill that doesn't mean the people who are the worst off don't get coverage," she said, jotting that down on the side of the paper, "because this doesn't resolve the issue."

"I'll bring it up when I get the chance," he assured her, and she glanced back at him with a grateful smile. "Can I ask why this is so important to you?"

"Because I'm an empathetic person, and I care about people?" she replied, tone scathing, and he raised an eyebrow.

"Woah, there. That wasn't an attack, sweetheart," he said. "What's got you worked up?"

"I'm not 'worked up,'” she bit back, but when he gave her an apologetic look, gaze soft, her annoyance began to subside. “This is just a sore subject for me." Y/N finally lowered the paper in her lap, turning her head toward Thomas. "I know I've told you about how long my parents spent in the hospital before they passed."

"Yeah. Yeah, you have," he said softly. He turned, orienting himself in Y/N's direction so he could pull her into his lap, and while she sighed, she laid back against his chest.

"When they died, I was left with most of their healthcare debt," she continued. "I was living far below the poverty line for almost a decade because of it."

"I'm so sorry," he whispered, and she laced her fingers into his with his arms around her waist.

"It was a long time ago," she replied. "I just don't want anyone else to end up in anything like the situation I was in. Nobody deserves that."

"No, they don't. I'll see what I can get past Congress." He kissed the side of her neck, and she hummed contentedly, squeezing his hands. "But I've still gotta discuss my plan for healthcare on Friday, so stop demolishing my speech."

"You asked me to look over it," she said frankly, and though her eyes had fallen shut when she laid against him, she cracked one open to glance at him skeptically. "These are my edits. Change the bill."

"That's an awful weighty edit, sweetheart."

"Hey, I also improved your phrasing," she went on, holding his paper up where they could both see it. "I'm making your speech better, don't complain about it."

"You cut my section about deductibles?"

"No one wants to talk about deductibles, babe." She tapped the paper with the back of her pen. "They want to know whether they'll be insured or not. They won't listen to the nuances of your bill in your public address. You're going to need a press release for that."

"And the part about family values?"

"It was useless." She shrugged. "I know you're just pandering to your party and all, but it sounded stupid in the context of the speech."

"Harsh," Thomas said, and the offense in his voice was mostly dramatized. Y/N pursed her lips. "But I can't be breachin' party lines in this speech. I'm not gonna get anything done if I turn the Senate Republicans against me."

"Listen, I'm not a political strategist, so that's your prerogative," she said matter-of-factly. "But if you don't like my feedback on your speeches, then hire a damn speechwriter, Thomas."

He hummed reluctantly. "But havin' you review my speeches gives me an excuse to spend more time with you. I don't have a whole lotta interest in having even longer meetings with White House staffers."

"Then take my edits to heart." She pursed her lips. "You know very well that I'm the only reason you have bipartisan support. If I didn't pick fights with you once a week about green energy, all the Democrats would still oppose all your stances on it."

"I'll look back over the speech in the mornin', then," he decided, and she shifted on the couch to face him, legs still draped over his lap. "I trust you."

"Good," she replied, and she looped her arms around his neck as she pulled herself up to kiss him. "But stop exploiting my degree in journalism."

"I'm not exploitin' it."

"Then what do you consider asking your wife to edit your speeches pro-bono to be?"

"A nice li'l side effect of managin' to convince someone so smart to marry me." She laughed as he pulled her back in to kiss him, but she gasped when he bit her lip teasingly, and his mouth drifted down her neck. "I love you," he murmured against her skin.

"I love you, too."

With that, Thomas hooked his arm up under her legs, and his smile widened against her neck when she yelped as he picked her up. "Now, I seem to remember sayin' something about carryin' you to bed if you were workin' for more than five minutes, so you don't get to negotiate anymore."

She squirmed in his grasp, but any of her efforts to get out of his arms weren't in earnest. She huffed. "So much for respecting personal liberty. Just wait until your voting bloc finds out all that rhetoric was just a lie."

"Oh, hush, let's not pretend you mind," he said as he tossed her down onto their bed, and she bounced when her back hit the mattress. He didn't hesitate to climb on after her. Though she tried to pull herself up to rest on the throw pillows, Thomas was on his hands and knees above her; she didn't have much of a range of movement when he dipped down to kiss her. "If you did, you wouldn't have married me."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever, Jefferson," she grumbled, despite wrapping her arms around his neck. "Talk all you want, but I dunno how smug you're gonna be when I up and leave you one of these days."

He grinned. "You know I don't buy that for a second." She rolled her eyes, but the corners of her lips twitched upward when he kissed her forehead. "You love me too much."

Despite everything, Y/N could feel herself flush. "Just go put on some pajamas so we can go to sleep."

"Alright, if you insist," he huffed, rolling off of her. "Be right back."

"You'd better hurry, or I might run off with Dolley and elope," she called after him, and Thomas laughed.

"'S cute, but we both know you aren't goin' anywhere."

"And why not?"

He raised a confident brow. "I'll tie you down if that's what it takes to keep you here, sweetheart."

"Wouldn't be the first time," she mumbled, turning to discard the throw pillows from the bed onto the floor.

When she looked back at him, his grin was still wide, smug, but the look in his eyes was soft. She pursed her lips as her own smile broadened. "Now go change. I'm not going to sleep without you."

"Fine. You need some rest.”

“Yeah. So do you.”

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beautifulterriblequeen · 3 years

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Do you find Moonshadow culture becoming a little less... likeable? (but not less interesting) It seems like they hand out Ghostings like candy with no path to forgiveness and no belief in a person’s ability to change and reform themselves. The pressure and anxiety those elves must be feeling at all times has got to astronomical. What are your thoughts?

I have plenty of thoughts, as always! Less likeable than what, though, anon? Maybe you’ve missed most of my posts on Moonshadow society over the last year...

Moonshadow society is a disaster, poor thing. It’s a tightlaced corset, pretty but restrictive with long term consequences. It’s a queer neurodivergent elf who just wants to do their very best but all the rules that are supposed to help them out with that end up hurting them too and they don’t know how to stop or change and so yes they’re dancing gracefully in the moonlight and yes they express themselves through beauty but if you get close enough you can hear the constant pterodactyl screech of their soul too. (Did I extrapolate extra hard from “Runaan is the most Moonshadow of the Moonshadow elves”, maybe yes)

Moonshadow society is deeply flawed and it needs help, but it’s so big and pervasive that it may be impossible to change its course without severe consequences, just like last time (aka moving east across the border and becoming assassins that took out humans). The elves can only do so much to alter their own fates from inside their own society.

Some may leave and never return. Some get ghosted and want nothing more than to re-enter the fold because they still believe in its ideals, like Feathershawl. Some probably try to change things from the inside, whether subtly or obviously. And others embrace the rules with both arms and try to mold themselves into The Perfect Moonshadow Who Can Do No Wrong, in order to remain safe and to belong.

But that’s a spectrum you’re going to get when perfectionism is a big part of your cultural philosophy. Everything has to be Just So for so many aspects of these elves’ lives, and it’s Very Not Good for them. Yes, they’re pretty. But mandating prettiness is just as bad as mandating other aspects of personal choice and free will.

As for ghosting, I really don’t think Moonshadows just yeet those left and right with little care for the consequences. I do think they’re too harsh with their shunning! Shunning, giving up, turning their back in a relatively permanent way, that’s not a good solution. Learning and adapting are important, and knowing that you have time and room to practice and adjust is so important for mental health and stability in your society. Living in constant fear of minding the rules or getting even perceived to be doing something incorrectly is such a drain on your energy.

But I do think that the Moonshadows have strict rules for what deserves ghosting and what doesn’t, just as they do for other stuff. The details of Feathershawl’s ghosting are theirs to keep, and I assume any Narrator could flesh those out however they chose during a playtest, whether to make their situation more or less sympathetic for the players.

But my take is this: Moonshadow elves revere life very deeply, and they work constantly to serve each other and their whole community, as they hold themselves together and celebrate their continued existence on every level they can. When someone in a position of big responsibility for the health, well-being, and lives of so many Moonshadow citizens messes up in such a bad way that there’s a plague and lots of elves die--lose their precious lives, lose those connections with others, leave their families torn and distraught and unable to focus on their own duties due to heavy, soul-sucking grief--when one elf causes this level of arcanum-deep catastrophe, I can absolutely see why the other Moonshadow elders would be horrified and grief-stricken, and furious. It’s a very un-Moonshadow thing to have happen, especially with how hard they’re all trying to be so very Moonshadow all the time.

Feathershawl had a position that gave them authority over the food sources that kept a good number of the Forest’s elves fed and able to live their lives without privation. And they screwed that up somehow. They were trusted with a basic staple of everyday life--food--and they got it wrong in such a horrible way that there are a lot fewer Moonshadow elves as a result.

Moonshadow elves need each other’s support and presence as part of their communal network, and anything that tears at that fabric goes against everything that Moonshadow philosophy stands for. Feathershawl themself had literally dozens of family members, whose illusions were kept in their crystal. That’s a lot of family! If it’s common for Moonshadow elves to have that many family members, then a plague would probably touch every family multiple times and leave everyone multiply devastated. It’s just Bad All Around.

There’s probably a lot more to Rayla’s ghosting than we know, since we only learned of it from her POV and she’s not in the habit of sharing Moonshadow secrets with Callum just yet. Knowing that Moonshadow families are so thickly intertwined, and how heavily they rely on each other to help support and cheer each other through standing strong together and mutual services, it’s no big stretch to imagine that Rayla’s biggest crime in Moonshadow eyes wasn’t her supposed running away, it was that her actions cost the Silvergrove their assassin leader, one of their elders and one of the strongest moral guiding hands they had. Rayla cost the Silvergrove their most Moonshadow Moonshadow.

Without Runaan, the Silvergrove is probably reeling quite a bit, and Rayla’s failure is to blame, in their eyes. They’re all suffering, and they need to put the blame somewhere--other than themselves--so they can start to move forward again.

It’s far from ideal. It’s very shame and blame oriented. But it does hold to some internal logic that seems to bear out through the three ghostings we know of for sure so far.

Another things Moonshadows are very good at is quick action. The moment they think there’s been a “mistake”, they move to address it. Whatever feelings they have on the matter, they process it in half a second (if at all) and jump straight to rectification. You attack the Storm Spire? Lain’s gonna kick you down the stairs. You think the Silvergrove ghosted you unfairly? You literally run to Ethari for help. You see Rayla trying to stay on the mission? You grab her wrists so she can’t draw her weapons. You see your workshop doors open but no one’s there? You stop working and fetch a hammer in case you need to smash a vindictive ghost. You think your friends failed their duty and dishonored you? You take everyone you can to go uphold that honor, including a 15 year old girl. (Holy cats does that mean everyone on Runaan’s squad was family, oh god) Swift action is a reassertion of the rules, of what’s right, so no one forgets. That’s got to include ghosting for things that are really terrible.

What I do find interesting is that Eljaal, the homesick assassin who is afraid to return home, may not be worried about ghosting specifically? But it’s a little unclear. I think there is something else they fear, perhaps a lesser punishment? But still one they can’t yet bring themself to face, poor elf.

I do think Moonshadow society is very stressful on the mind, and all these elves have become very skilled at hiding, mitigating, and otherwise working around their stresses and traumas. The greatest illusion that Moonshadows play is the one that Everything Is Fine, because there is always more work to do, and they keep telling themselves that they’re the ones who must do it, for everyone elses’s sakes. Laziness and selfishness are probably the same thing to Moonshadows. Hmm, maybe that’s why Runaan lets his family drag him off to picnics on his birthday, so he doesn’t seem selfish for wanting alone time.

In very very long, anon, Moonshadows are a Mess tee emm, and they’ve been designed that way from the start: doing their best inside a flawed system. This is the heart of their imperfection. They will probably benefit from spending time with literally anyone else aside from just themselves. They really really need to get out more, or to let someone else in, because the strictest of their own traditions are actually ruining the life and beauty they work so hard to celebrate.

#asks #moonshadow elves #ghosting #moonshadow culture #rayla #runaan #ethari #feathershawl #eljaal #let them all rest

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thedreadvampy · 3 years

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after the cbt post I'm really unsure if I even want to apply for counselling now

the whole point of looking for therapy was to get help but if it makes things worse then maybe I should just carry on trying to do it myself?

I don't fuckin know

that was meant to be my out for feeling like this what the fuck do I do now

Like. First off this is about CBT, not about counseling generally, which has been really useful once I've found the right process. I don't know if you're in the UK or not, but while accessing NHS counseling hasn't always been easy and it took a while to find the right fit, when I did get a counselor and approach that fit my needs it jumped my healing forwards by miles, it really can be a lifesaver (plus tbh if you're really deep in the doldrums, it can help just by giving you some structure and space). Don't stop looking for counseling because it absolutely can make a huge positive difference, I don't know where I'd be without the counseling I got from the rape crisis center and the NHS. There's a lot of types of therapy/counselling out there and what works for you isn't something I can predict - for me what I've reacted to best is freeform talk therapy, but other people find that really hard to engage with and prefer more structured or theoretical therapies, and the NHS offer a lot of different ones (they just tend to jump to CBT first).

So, beyond that; some people do find CBT really helpful. But the way the NHS specifically uses CBT is outside its recommended use, which is treatment for OCD, BPD, anxiety and some PTSD symptoms (although not PTSD itself). The NHS basically uses it as a first stop for pretty much all mental health patients as far as I can tell (because, as I say, it's cheap and easy to apply) so, much like most people with MH problems I know have been on Citalopram (which is their first stop SSRI), most people I know with MH problems have been to CBT sessions. And with that range of problems, most of them won't find what they need in CBT, which, again, despite how it's currently used, is not designed as a general purpose treatment but specifically to help manage repetitive thought and behaviour patterns.

For some people, managing thought and behaviour patterns is what they need, at least temporarily. My partner found it very helpful to keep him out of breakdown territory during a hard time, and so have several friends I know (seems to have positive impacts particularly on friends diagnosed with BPD bc BPD diagnostic criteria, which focus on intense reaction and toxic thought spirals, line up really well with what CBT is designed to help with).

I think the way in which it's harmed me and others isn't the actual treatment, but the fact that it's treated as if it Should Work and that can make you feel way worse if everyone tells you 'CBT and mindfulness is a magic cure that fixes all your brain problems' and then it. doesn't. because your specific problem isn't what is designed to fix. and I think that harm is mitigated by knowing that a) what works for you is highly personal even within diagnoses, b) at the time you get CBT you probably don't have a concrete diagnosis beyond Something Ain't Right and c) CBT, even when it's right for you, isn't meant to be the end point.

CBT is, specifically, a stop-gap. It's meant to help you keep going with your life while you sort stuff out. Again, because of budget reasons the NHS kind of hope that your problems won't be too bad so that CBT will give you a good enough stable starting point to sort your own shit out without further support, which does work for some people, but for most of us CBT should be part of a larger treatment journey if used at all. CBT is a bandage - it doesn't close the wound, but where it works it stops you bleeding out long enough to either get to a hospital or for your body to heal itself.

I'm not going to lie to you - for a lot of us, getting through to the point where we're accessing the right treatment can be a slog. And because of how the NHS works, it can mean going to CBT, finding it doesn't work for you, and gritting your teeth through a six session course so you can go back to your doctor and say 'see, this didn't work for me and the CBT people agree, what else ya got?' My partner's just sat through 14 sessions of group therapy he found extremely stupidly designed specifically because sometimes that's what you gotta do to get referred on for one-on-one talk therapy, which is what he actually needs.

Like I say, the harm comes when you're made to feel like you're failing therapy. You don't fail therapy. Therapy that isn't working just isn't the right setup for you for whatever reason and that's not a flaw in you, there is no universal catchall therapeutic method. It's always going to be trial and error and if you are able to hold in mind that you're not Bad for finding a counseling style or methodology unhelpful, off-putting or alienating, then badly-fitted therapy shouldn't be nearly as harmful as trying to struggle on manfully alone.

The hardest but most rewarding part for me was the process of learning that I could just say 'this isn't working for me because XYZ, can we try a different approach' and...nothing bad would happen. I wouldn't lose my access to counseling and nobody shouted at me, and when I said 'this isn't working can we change it'...things got better. I was having an absolutely shit and frustrating time with my NHS counselor, I was finding going to counseling a huge stress, and after stewing for a couple of weeks I blew up and said 'I don't like this, this or this, I feel talked down to when you do this, I don't feel like you're listening to me about this, and this thing you're doing keeps making me feel worse' and he got defensive. but he also. changed his practise immediately. and we ended up having a really fantastic and productive 6 months of counseling and I am in private therapy now but I keep referring back to the work he and I did together because it was so useful for me.

So like the takeaways for me are a) know that the fact that this counseling might suck for you doesn't mean counseling in general won't be helpful, there's always going to be some trial and error to find the right fit, b) if it does suck, don't suffer in silence, tell them! if you're sitting there hating it, they're not getting anything out of that either so just let them know that you're uncomfortable, finding it hard to engage, etc (I know this can be really hard and I know for me I only started being able to push back when I was already a couple of years into my treatment journey but do what you can do to communicate your fears) and c) when it works it works.

Getting counseling that works is a journey. It can be wearing and esoteric and a pain in the ass, and sometimes you just don't click with a therapy and sometimes you just don't click with the counselor, but it is absolutely worth pushing through the bullshit because a) change often happens gradually while you're not looking and b) finding a concept who works for you absolutely can change your life super fast. It took me a couple of tries but when I found a counselor and approach that worked for me I managed within 16 sessions to get out of my house, to get a job I liked for the first time, to go out and meet people for the first time in a city I'd been in for 3 years, and to cut out a lot of the people who were making my life unsafe. It's so worth it but it is a journey that takes time and trial and error, so the sooner you start the sooner you're likely to get somewhere that helps you.

#sorry i went on a lot here i just #i need you to know that counseling is a really broad field and just because one form of counseling might not work for you #doesn't mean it's all useless #you just need to find the right fit for where you're at #and it's extremely worth doing #it doesn't feel like it's getting better all at once #I'm sorry but if you go in with that hope it'll hit you hard #when you find the right fit it'll feel like change is so painfully incremental and slow #but one day you'll suddenly realise you're happier than you've been in years #everyone i know who's been in counseling that's felt productive has had that experience in the first year or so of going #WAIT FUCK IS THIS WHAT NORMAL FEELS LIKE?#like idk if you have SAD but i get this feeling every spring 'wow have i just been miserable for six months wtf? is this what happy is?'#and the healing process feels like that on a larger scale like day to day you barely notice a difference but you look back after a year #and think 'i don't remember what it felt like to never feel like anything would be good again' and you go WAIT!#THAT WAS THE COUNSELING! TFW THERAPY HITS!!!#like there are times it can feel like a slog or like REALLY PAINFUL #the first 6 months i was in therapy i cracked open like an egg i went everywhere i basically had a full on breakdown #but after i came out the other side i was like WAIT FUCK I SEE SUNLIGHT I CAN FEEL JOY AGAIN #and the way you can tell imo is. do you dread counseling sessions? or are you desperate to get to them?#bc. some pain is getting punched and some is relocating a joint. it's needed pain and you know as it's happening that it's needed.#so if it sucks also. think about why it sucks and how you feel about it.#does counseling make you bored angry anxious or frustrated? might not be the right fit #does it feel like cracking open a dam and getting swamped? you might just be going through the pain phase of healing

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vidavalor · 3 years

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The Tiger Code, you guys...

*Contains spoilers for episodes 1 through 3 of The Falcon and the Winter Soldier*

TFATWS, Ep.1:

Bucky tests out his newfound modern world possibilities for openness by telling Leah, a woman he’s theoretically on a date with, that he’s bisexual. He does so euphemistically but that’s still pretty wild for a guy who last danced (and likely “danced”) in 1943. He chooses to say he likes men by commenting about on how he tried online dating but found it overwhelming because what was with all the “tiger pictures”? As we know, tiger pictures are more often than not found on profiles of men, heavily suggesting that Bucky was looking to match with men while attempting online dating. That’s all fun and all but now cut to Ep 3...

TFATWS, Ep 3:

Our dynamic duo goes undercover with Zemo in Madripoor and what is Sam’s cover identity? Conrad Mack, a man nicknamed...

“The Smiling Tiger.”

The odds of that being a coincidental choice on the part of the writers is zero percent. So, what could it really mean?

If Bucky creates in the context of the show the use of the word “tiger” as parlance meaning “men who aren’t straight” and the show then gives Sam a role with the word “tiger” in it, it is making that direct connection and saying that Sam isn’t straight-- something that many viewers of his role in previous MCU movies could see as having been suggested subtly all along. But wait, you might say... wasn’t Sam playing a role? Is the nod really that Sam can only play act at being a tiger? Nope, it’s not that...

While Sam gets the slightly lighter story in Ep 3 in that more of his undercover role is played for comedy, it contrasts Bucky’s foray back into playing at being The Winter Soldier. The point of the episode is to illustrate how Bucky cannot fully separate himself from what he’s done as The Winter Soldier. It wasn’t his fault and shouldn’t be seen as such-- by him or by anyone else-- but it is a part of his own personal history and is the root of much of the trauma he is dealing with in the present. The idea is that going undercover and playing a role of what he used to be more overtly brings to the surface Bucky’s trauma-- because now he has to act out The Winter Soldier, even if he is under his own control. ln a way, the mission gives Bucky the first chance he’s ever had to act like The Winter Soldier while under control of his own mind. Sure, it’s going to mess him up but, in the long run, it probably will be weirdly healthy because he is proving to himself that he can control himself. He is disabusing himself of the notion that The Winter Soldier can take him back over against his will. He hasn’t had the opportunity to really do that before. What does this have to do with his Smiling Tiger?

Sam is then paralleling that. Sam is an upbeat guy, a confident guy, though he’s going to have insecurities like anyone else. He’s played as sort of the inverse of Bucky-- he jokes, he laughs, he’s not stoic, he is more sociable and more in control of his own trauma responses. They have a lot more in common than they might think and a lot more than just Steve but they often take the opposite approaches to it-- which makes them somewhat invaluable to one another. While I don’t see Sam as being enormously tortured about his sexuality, I can’t imagine he’s not had his share of struggles over it. What’s important about it in terms of his role so far in the MCU and on TFATWS is that it’s in the backseat, entirely. Sam is one of the few fairly major MCU characters to not have a formal love interest and instead, is coded as heavily as Bucky has been. Both Sam and Bucky are going through dealing with the expectations of the past and how they inform their present choices and the lives they want to build. Bucky has to reckon with The Winter Soldier and Sam is reckoning with why he chose not to become Captain America. We have so far seen Sam’s reasoning very clearly and in great storytelling-- we can understand why. Sam’s is a story of understandably feeling like the country he loves doesn’t truly love people who look like him in return and how America isn’t ready for a black Captain America. Underscoring his decision is the reveal when he learns that there *was* a black Captain America-- and he has a terribly tragic story. But what if there is another component to this for Sam as well? The Sam we first met, before he was on the run with Steve, was a guy working through the traumas of war-- a nice, seemingly single guy who worked as a counselor at the VA. He seems like a man open and friendly to those who need his help but who likes to live his own private life (making him, really, perhaps, not that fundamentally different from Bucky, if a less extreme case). Being Captain America would throw literal spotlights on Sam, even more so than being Falcon has. ‘Good Morning, America’-level spotlights. Steve Rogers-level spotlights. This is all assuming he’d get even a third of what John Walker did but even that would be a lot to deal with. Is it really maybe that not only does Sam think that America isn’t ready for the first (to their knowledge) black Captain America but not ready for the first *black and gay* Captain America? Does Sam maybe want to meet somebody at some point, to have that freedom to be who he is and control over that part of his life without someone telling him that Captain America needs a pretty girl at his side?

The whole ‘Smiling Tiger’ thing might suggest this is the case and could be, should Marvel really make good on that promise to have more LGBTIA characters thing, something that is revealed throughout the season. If the undercover operation was about making these characters a little uncomfortable with the parts of themselves they don’t always put on display and don’t know how to reconcile with in their present lives-- if it was about Bucky getting an opportunity to, ultimately, learn he can control The Winter Soldier (even if he’d really have preferred not to go through this whole thing), what was it for Sam? What’s the point of The Smiling Tiger? Did you notice how people in the bar were watching by the dozens, some probably with phones, and Sam didn’t hesitate, even in the middle of a mission, to reach out to comfort Bucky? As it turns out, Sam is basically terrible at undercover work. It’s impossible for him to not be himself because he’s that genuine so even if he’s playing somebody else, it’s really all him there, in a parallel to the idea that Bucky is only playing The Winter Soldier in this moment and isn’t really and never really has been him. So, Sam really *is*, in essence, The Smiling Tiger (this version of the guy, anyway.) A guy who will go the extra mile to see a mission through, no matter the danger (see: drinking that snake drink) but who cannot fully check himself at the door and become someone else for anything (see: forgot to shut his phone off so that Sarah winds up becoming part of his cover, blending together Sam Wilson and The Smiling Tiger into basically the same person.)

The irony of this is that while Sam is more equipped at managing trauma than Bucky is-- not to say that Sam doesn’t have his own share of personal hells he has been through and doesn’t still likely have nightmares and the like, he’s just become more acclimated with strategies for mitigating their effects on his life-- Bucky, ironically, might be better equipped to handle the idea of a more modern take on the crossroads of masculinity and sexuality. While The Winter Soldier has Bucky a mess that Sam can help pick up, it’s ironically going to be the guy who has basically admitted he hasn’t had sex since 1943 who is going to help Sam get beyond the issues he might have with being a gay black man with a ton of expectations on him. Somehow, even though he’s not used to this world, I think Bucky’s bemusement that this is still a thing for men decades after he was last young is the perfect counterpoint to Sam’s more advanced therapeutic strategies for managing Bucky’s PTSD. After all, which one of them was insecure about what he was wearing (saying he looked like a pimp when it also could be read as saying he worried he looked too gay) and which one of them casually outed himself to a woman he’d only recently met?

#tfatws #the falcon and the winter solider spoilers #thefalconandthewintersoldier #sambucky #sam wilson #buckysam #bucky #winterfalcon #sebastian stan #anthony mackie #falcon #the falcon and the winter soldier

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cuethetommo · 4 years

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1/2. I know it's a touchy subject but I've been thinking abt H's position rn. In 2020 it's undeniable that being an out gay man isn't a substantial risk for a musician's career, especially at his level. From where he stands, careerwise, at most it's a choice between different levels of massive fame and money. So I can't help but see a continuum between his desire to continue to play all sides and his unwillingness to have meaningful public stances.

2/2. Integrity requires a degree of vulnerability and acceptance of the outcomes (financially, people's opinions) and I don't think the risks for H are so significant at this point in his career that they would outweigh the benefits of LGBT visibility for people all around the world. I do keep in mind that there may be other considerations as well (legal, personal timing etc) but nothing about 1D history makes me think $ isn't the biggest consideration

I don’t agree with your certainty here. I don’t think there’s anything undeniable about being out as a queer person. I’m going to talk about this in two parts: the coming-out part and the capitalism part.

In the year of our lord 2020, I feel like there is this notion that “real queer people come out” and that there aren’t VERY real risks for folks coming out. And that is just not factually accurate. There are laws on the books limiting harassment claims, bathroom usage, adoption, etc. And I believe part of your point is that Harry has enough money to mitigate risk, and I just don’t believe that’s true. Sam Smith talks about the death threats and nastiness they get all the time. And Sam was never the “sex symbol” that Harry has been portrayed to be.

Coming out is not what makes a queer person valid. It’s just not. And the more we put that in the world, the more young folks imagine they’re broken because they’re not out. For some folks it will NEVER be safe to come out. For some folks they are private and imagine it’s none of anyone’s damn business. And there are a myriad of other valid reasons people have for not coming out.

Harry (and Louis) do not owe the world a coming out. They really don’t. And that framing is harmful in lots and lots of ways.

Let’s talk about the capitalism part. I said the other week that imagining artists have power in the music industry doesn’t make sense. Artists are cogs in the machine. Well paid cogs, but cogs just the same. They can eek out creative control over some things but they have to get REALLY far to be able to control every aspect of their image. I’m not sure who I’d point to that has that level of control. Maybe Jay-Z because he owns so much of the means of production. But even then, I’m not sure.

I believe Harry is a queer artist in a homophobic industry trying to build a foundation for a lasting career. Who are we to say, yo, you should be done by now and it shouldn’t matter anymore? You don’t have integrity if you’re not willing to come out publicly? I do not want to be a person that says that to anyone.

#opinion #mine #if I misunderstood parts of this ask #please feel free to come back #and clarify #Anonymous

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nightswithkookmin · 3 years

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JIKOOK BE CONCEPT- EXTENDED ANALYSIS

ANON: Hey Goldy, so I want to ask, what makes you look at one moment and decide the tension in there is nothing but then in another moment you claim Jikook are having issues? I ask because of the conclusions you drew on the photoshoot video when you said they were fighting but in two other instances where we can all clearly see that the mood between Jikook is tense like Jimin's mood in the Be Concept Clip and the other interview you have said it's nothing. I don't mean this in a disrespectful way, I just want to understand your thought process if you can walk me through it. It's ok if you don't respond. I love your posts regardless. Keep it up.

Thanks for your question.

I think I try my best as much as possible to share my thought process on why I reach certain conclusions and in instances where I do not have much time to delve deeper into a conversation I state an NB indicating I would be talking further about that particular topic later on?

I think the first thing I can point out to you right off the bat in regards to your question is that we may most likely be having different understandings of tension as pertains to shipping simply because we ship Jikook in different ways.

Again, I do not mean to say my perspective is superior or that someone else's is inferior. I'm just saying we may be having different views on the topic based on the differences in our shipping styles.

To me tension is not just a sense or feeling or mood. It is one of the metrics I employ in assessing whether or not a ship is real- stay with me.

In my experience, while people may be good at hiding a relationship, they can never hide the intimacy of the relationship or the stress of keeping that relationship a secret. Secrets are stressful to keep and they leave stress trails in their wake. It's as simple as that. If any ship is real in BTS you will see its stress marks.

It's not easy standing there, watching your man's nipples being played with, or having another man grope your intimate partner for entertainment purposes while you stand there smiling for the cameras- you can smile, but it's going to be fake.

It's not easy hearing how your man sneaks into another man's shower to watch him bathe and compliment the size of his dick.

It's not easy hearing how you can't stand next to your man in a line up while another person takes that position even if it's just for work.

It's not easy pretending not to love your man, while watching everyone else love on him. It's not easy being told what you can do and not do with your partner much less by your own peers.

It's not easy hiding your love and affection for the person you love, holding yourself back from kissing them, or hugging them or doing any of the intimate stuff you are so used to doing with them- not when you have to be around them all the time.

It's not easy having cameras shoved in your face during your alone, private time with your man, when you are watching them on giant screens and they are right there next to you but you can't hold them- please listen to JK's demo Delcacomania which he released on his birthday last year and you will understand why he cried when JM flew from Paris to see him on his birthday. I cried too.

My point is, it's really not easy keeping a relationship a secret within the same work space as your partner. It's not as easy as other shippers make it seem. That shit is stressful and stress begets tensions and tensions begets conflicts- especially if there are other people attached to the parties in the relationship.

A secret gets heavy before it gets easy but you can never erase the stress that comes with hiding that secret especially not in a group as diverse in personalities as BTS. There are bound to be clashes, there are bound to be slip ups- moments where the fourth wall is breached and many others.

Stress is usually one of the first indicators of people keeping anything a secret. I've been called toxic for this, but I pay a lot of attention to conflicts and tensions within the group dynamics regardless of the degree of that tension because that conflict to me is a sign of stress.

I can tell you for a fact, any ship that is kumbaya in BTS is not real. Any ship whose existence doesn't stress out the group dynamics is a ship made in Disney heading for Never-land. Conflict and tension is a sign of stress and stress is a sign of keeping secrets.

That's not to say every single tension within the group, between Jikook or any other ship is as a result of them keeping that ship a secret. I think we can rule out all forms of contrived tensions at this point- you know which ones I'm talking about. Ain't no damn person up in there tryna steal nobody's man in BTS. The fuck?! Lmho.

Then there are those tensions that are as a result of mood swings, bad hair days, a call being delayed, a missed period- what? some of them have girlfriends, cough cough. Yea, Don't mind me.

Tension could be caused by anything really and so I think it's not enough to point out tensions but you have to try and ascertain the cause and effect of that tension to see if that tension is as a result of the stress that comes with keeping Jikook a secret or whether it is rather causing stress or going to cause a stress in their relationship dynamics-

C'mon, now y'all know if Jimin should thirst over another man that that is going cause a lot of stress not just for JK but the group as well because Jikook's mood affects them too.

Jimlous and Jeonlous are also signs of the stress that comes with keeping Jikook's relationship a secret. Let's be honest, if they were out all of those wouldn't be happening. People wouldn't cross their boundaries as much as they do.

From my perspective, both of Jikook are constantly reacting, poorly might I add, to their relationship being a secret. It seems to me they both hate what they have to do to keep eachother a secret within the group.

Jimin keeps JK a secret by acting as if he is available and JK keeps Jimin a secret by acting as if he doesn't want him- cold, nonchalant, and the way I see them I think it drives them both crazy. Lol.

Jimin doesn't want to come out but he doesn't want to be kept a secret either. He just wants to be in that glass closet whereas JK seems to want to be out or completely hidden- he is not about that middle ground life, I feel. But that doesn't mean he doesn't make compromises especially where Jm is concerned.

Jimin is very conscious and highly judgmental of himself and I think he projects a bit of that into their relationship dynamics. As such he is constantly worrying about feedback, about how their relationship is affecting the group's dynamics.

You see this in the way he runs to JK upon the least complaints by any member about JK. Like when Jin complained about JK not choosing his bag over JM's, or when RM complained about JK buying a birthday present for only JM and not the others.

Or when RM complained about JK showing a song he had written to JM first before showing it to him in a VLive- now they didn't mention who they were talking about exactly but I knew from the moment JM started reciting Jikook's go to response for whenever they are called out for constantly being together, the whole 'we just so happened to be together in that moment,' that they were talking about JK. I don't know, I could be wrong.

JM is constantly trying to mitigate Jungkook's tendencies for exclusivity in their relationship especially where it conflicts with the groups interest even though that exclusivity and preferential treatment feeds directly into his love language.

It's that kumbaya in him I keep talking about. He would sacrifice their happiness for the groups. In my opinion.

But JK aint about that life. His entire philosophy is to pursue personal happiness first. So often, you would see him weaponizing their relationship secret against JM- trying to out him and shit. which in turn, ends up causing their relationship a ton of stress.

The best illustration I can give for this is when JK posted Ending Scene in early parts of 2019 and people started speculating Jikook had broken up because it was a break up song. JM immediately responded to that post with two posts, one about the Calico cat or something and the other pointing out how that song was just a cover. Jimin hates it when JK does something to create the impression that they are not together especially when they are together.

But at the same time, he would take a step back from their relationship, ask for space to try and nurture his other relationships with friends and family when he feels JK coming on too strong on him- like Jimin what do you actually want! You drive me nuts!

What I'm trying to say is that when you point out that JM looks tensed, you should be able to explain why you think he looks tensed.

And if you think his tension goes to the root of their relationship, then you should be able to predict the consequences of that tension too. Lol.

For me, I filter their tensions through their established patterns of behavior, their personalities and the actions that arise from their personalities- listen, the Maknae line can be very melancholic for no reason sometimes. Not sure what goes on but boy can they brood!

You have to consider all these things.

Tensions are obvious, obviously. Or maybe not. Most of them are quite easy to spot. Some not so much. They do go undetected if you are not hyper focused on them in certain moments when they happen or aren't aware of the context or subtext behind such moments.

Perspective is everything. We all don't have the same perspective. But no one holds the truth when it comes to Jikook. We can only speculate in a way that holds meaning to us.

Take for example Jimin and Jin's call during Jimin's VLive in March this year. There are a fraction of shippers who do not believe that that call was intercepted by JK at all simply because they do not see the subtext of that moment. Why would JK do that and not just reveal his identity, they ask. A valid point.

Then there are those who see JK interrupting that call as plausible because they believe they can differentiate between JK and Jin's call voice. Equally valid point.

Then there's me, who think yes that was JK's voice but goes further to try and anwer the questions raised by the first group as that, JK was pushing the boundaries both with JM and Bighit for barring him from doing a live with JM.

As such, I believe that call was an act of rebellion on his part to be allowed to Jikook with his man on the VApp. All that protest would then lead to a pivotal moment of him and JM having their VLive but under heavy surveillance. Lol.

Actions have consequences whether good or bad. Whether positive or negative. It's the cause and effect principle. Every effect has a predictable cause and every action has a specific and predictable effect.

If a moment of tension is created between them that is substantial, it is going to produce a subsequent substantial reaction. Law of Newton- I can't make this shit up. Lmho.

Another moment of this nature for me would be the VMin's unit interview filmed in February/March and released in June during Festa.

Now, if you were following the tensions between V and JK around that period, the context and subtext of that Interview would be easily apparent to you- V was just shading JK left right left. Bless him.

All that random flirting with Jimin- JM lost his Mochi cheeks, his pinky has grown were just code for JM is a grown ass man now so stop being possessive over him.

I have said Jikook have been asserting themselves against eachother this year following the lows of late 2019 and especially around that time period.

For Jimin, that self assertion takes the form of checking JK's over possessiveness over him as that is a huge cause of tensions within the group throughout the years and something that I feel really bothered JM in the later half of 2019 and early half of 2020.

Why does it bother him when he used to be the one enabling that shit in JK? The members, keep up. Lol but not just the members. Remember I said earlier how, Jikook had come under heavy scrutiny with May 2019 to June this year. JM I feel wanted to keep things really on the low but JK- sigh.

Believe it or not, JK dumb whipped ass exposes Jikook more than JM does in their relationship. In the very least his possessiveness and chest puffing when anyone breathes near JM is one of the biggest tells.

We all know Tae is one of the members that have openly pointed out his displeasure with JK keeping JM to himself, cutting him off from his friends and all. Now we all know also that Jimin's pinky is a huge deal to JK. The moment he saw VMin comparing pinkies that's when he began screwing with us for real! Lmho.

JK made a big deal about JM's pinky and also seemed to have a thing for JM's Mochi cheeks too, calling him his Mochi and shit right in front of Tae's salad. Listen, TAE KNOWS. He knows!

So I found it interesting, how those parts of JM were specifically the things that V felt had changed about Jimin- I mean go back and look at Tae's facial expressions and smirk when he started talking about that. Lmho.

Then Jimin clapped back with that whole pinky line from their song Friends, pointing out how contradictory Tae was being. Lol.

To me that has always been one aspect of Tae and JK's ship dynamics that I enjoy so much. Tae is constantly teasing and shading JK and it's so subtle yet passive aggressive sometimes. you might miss it if you don't understand the context of him saying certain things in certain moments.

He don't spare JM sometimes either. Chileee. You never know with this man. Lol.

I mean did y'all catch his jab at JK during Festa when JK brought up the rain fight and he said, yea but that was a long time ago though- give it a rest. When I tell you, this man knew JK was trying to one up him over the whole dumpling fight thingy he had with JM. Lmho.

Then in that dynamite MV reaction VLive when JK and JM tried to eye fuck through the viewfinder? Let's not look into the camera he says so eloquently then side eyes JK- I LOVE THIS MAN!!! Please stay on their necks for me. They play too much! Lmho.

JK's possessiveness over JM is one of the causes of tension within the group I feel and JK have said his hyungs try to teach him not to be so possessive. Tae, RM and Suga to me are those hyungs who keep him in check the most, most times.

All that being said, just because there is tension present between them in a given moment doesn't necessarily mean it's as a result of a conflict between them as I have explained in past posts.

The inverse of this is similarly true. Truth is we can never know these things for sure. We can only speculate.

And personally, as I keep pointing out I have my own metrics for assessing these kinds of things. I get it wrong sometimes and when I do, I simply adjust my metrics and keep it pushing.

It's my own customized metrics, the lens through which I filter their interactions and make sense of their moments and It works for me. Isn't that what having an opinion is about?

I find, some of their interactions or moments follow an established pattern of behavior from their past moments and so it's much easier to call those.

For instance, you don't need a six foot page analysis to identify Jimlous or Jeonlous when you see it. You don't need a crystal ball to tell you when JK nibbles on Jimin's ear that Jimin is nervous. They did that in 2018, they did that in 2019, they've done that in 2020- to me that's become a pattern and when I see JK anywhere near Jimin's ear depending on the setting I will conclude JM is nervous and JK is trying to comfort him.

All that would be left for me to determine then is why Jimin is nervous at all in that moment and if I find he has no reason to be nervous in that instant my next assumption then would be that Jeon Jungkook is horny. I'm not kidding. Jk scares me. Lol.

Don't mind me.

He could be horny or he could be touchy, or he could be just expressing his affections through skinship. All of that is valid so I would employ an elimination approach?

I would rule out Jikook sexual foreplay in instances like that based on whether or not JK's gesture was a mission given to him by the staff based on Jimin's reaction to that gesture- He seemed pretty disappointed when he learned that JK bopping his nose was just a mission.

At times too I test out theories.

Yes, Jimin is an extrovert but does he freeze out JK when he is being an extrovert? He doesn't. We have seen him grabbing the Jeon titties in behind the scenes photoshoot, we have seen JK shove his butt in JM's dick face, we have seen 50 shades of JK grab JM's neck and dip his hand down his neck into his chest region to warm himself up. We have seen Jikook at behind the scenes photo shoots countless times. They gravitate towards eachother.

So if he is being his extrovert self with every body but JK, and JK is orbiting him but not interacting with him as they have done in the past then honestly I don't need my crystal ball to assume something is up between them. Why? Because Jikook's interactions behind the scenes aren't susceptible to false conditionings as compared to the intentional, exaggerated versions of their interactions on camera which sometimes can be laced with fanservice.

Jikook is not fanservice. Most of their behind cameras are moments of them breaching the forth wall. Like JM walking into JK's room without noticing there were cameras in the room. Their mood in there was not a performance and wasn't intended for the cameras and yet they were still close. Them taking a picture at the back of the track was equally that- unintended for the cameras.

What I'm saying is, we have seen Jikook when they are working on camera and when they are not working on camera and that mood in that behind the scenes photoshoot video doesn't fit either description of Jikook in those settings to me regardless of whether I know them personally or not.

What that moment fits into for me is a pattern of behavior that has been consistent with Jikook over the years. And I know people box JM into this whole extrovert personality but as I've said I don't believe anyone is completely extroverted or introverted.

JM to me has a certain degree of introvertedness in him and I've talked about this. He seems to have a bit of an avoidant personality too where he recoils into himself or shut people out in certain moments like how he says he drinks alone and becomes much quieter when he feels stressed out.

He doesn't open up as much about his problems it seems, he bottles it all up untill it eats him up- I'm glad he says when gets like that JK notices his mood and often comes around to do something that makes him laugh. Jimin does same for JK when he is feeling anxious- Please, Jikook is real ok?

So stop telling lies. Lol.

I think this avoidant personality becomes more prominent in moments when he fights or argues with people.

In Manila it was that moment where he noticed JK staring at him and so be moved his seat back to avoid JK's gaze. In VMin dumpling fight, it was him going out to drink with Suga after the fight- classic avoidant behavior. In Yoonmin it was him asking Suga not to touch him when Suga put his hand on his back even though Suga was sat right next to him.

In 2017- was it the behind scenes photoshoot for the billiard pool games? We saw JM literally running away from JK. Lol. He literally side-eyed the fuck out of JK, yeeted himself away from JK the moment he finished posing for the cameras. In that OT7 footage where V was playing with JK's hair, again, he yeeted himself out of there real quick at the end of filming- dude literally said deuces bitches. Lol.

And in the Jin birthday VLive 2019, he pulled away instinctively when JK's knee touched his. In all these instances, JM was keeping up the facade. Smiling and interacting like his normal slytherin/ honorary hufflepuff self but his instinctual reactions is what gave him away. In my opinion.

To me that is a pattern of behavior on JM's part. When he is angry or mad st someone- he avoids them. And it's harder if he has to be within the same space with such person.... I'll circle back to this.

All the times since 2015 when he's been 'mad' at JK he's done just that- Akekeking with everyone else, amplifying his extrovertedness, latching on to his 'clutches' within the group, all the while keeping JK at bay while stealing glances at him to see his reaction at the same time.

And when he notices how that's affecting JK- he literally smirks in satisfaction. Meet evil chim everyone- And I say this with love, he is vindictive as fuck. I mean this is the same person who didnt hesitate to kill Army in a game just for disobeying him- allegedly. Same person who said he would whoop his bandmates except of course for JK and force them to bow at his feet if he was ruler. Did y'all see Tae turning to check JM's reaction when JK made fun of his singing in run? Did you see his passive aggressive reaction to JK after that clowning?

Listen, we all should be scared of Park Jimin. He is sweet and all but fuck with him... I dare you. PJMs are gonna revoke my PJM membership are they not? Oh God! Lol

JK is similar to JM in this regard. He avoids when he is angry or edgy. Try touching him in that state and he is pulling away. He did it with Tae in the Dynamite MV behind scenes where Tae tried to touch him and he pulled away and the whole not wanting to hold hands with Tae at the KBS interview thingy- it actually broke my heart watching that bit. JK. Sigh. Will post and delete the Taekook video I am talking about as soon as I post this- out of respect for their shippers.

JK does the same to JM too sometimes when JM irritates him. Manila and also around On promo when they had that Alex Almanto whatever unit shoot- they were all having fun, there's a cut and suddenly he is pulling away when JM holds him, does the lip thingy, and glares at JM. He turns away to look at Hobi, which I just think he was trying to hide his expression from the camera lol- JM almost burst out into laughter and I nearly peed myself watching that bit- JK can be very petty sometimes. Lmho

He did the same in this controversial photoshoot. He was mad at both JM and Namjoon which explains the part he was dragging his feet when he was walking away from JM. It wasn't because he was waiting for Jimin. He was avoiding Namjoon who was walking ahead of him. In my opinion. And the part he stood with Jin and RM- JM did something hilarious JK giggled a little but turned immediately to Namjoon and when he noticed RM laughing too he stopped laughing. Then he did that thing were he put the fear of God in RM when RM stood close to JM. JK was so angry he forgot his manners when he bumped into Jin in that moment and again, like always. He looked away to avoid the scenery.

Now I don't know what had gone on there but I'm still trying to reconstruct that moment to figure it out. All I know is something went on involving those three and may be Tae too as I have pointed out in previous posts.

JM was mad at JK, JK was mildly mad at JM but heavily mad at RM.

All these things I've mentioned are patterns of behavior that have repeated over the years from my delusional point of view of Jikook's interactions and of their interactions as against the group dynamics.

Circling back to the Be concept clip and JM's mood in there, I gotta ask. Do you think Jimin's mood was as a result of the stress of keeping their relationship a secret in that moment?

It wasn't to me. Even after looking away from JK he went back to looking at JK again. When their eyes met he smiled a little. Whatever was going on with him had nothing to do with JK or their relationship. If it did, he would have been much more hostile than that and frankly JK wouldn't be sat there cheesing the way he was doing in that instance. His butt would have been on fire.

JM seemed- serene and peaceful to me. I actually enjoy him most in his moments of quiet like these.

RM's reaction to that Jikook moment however is an indication of stress to me. He seemed excited, probably wanted to play with his Jiminie but when he noticed JM had looked away his instincts was to check JK's reaction. Not anybody else, JK.

When he noticed JK was smiling at JM he dropped his hands and seemed a bit deflated. That deflation right there is one of the signs of the stress I'm talking about.

RM isn't just the leader he is their friend. Like V his bond with JM suffers from time to time due to our elephant in the room. I am often fascinated by RM and JM's friendship dynamics and would definitely love to have conversation about their dynamics.

I hope this answers your question?

Please keep supporting Jikook. Jikool is real.

Signed,

GOLDY

#jikook #jikook analysis #kookmin analysis #jikooktheories #kookmintheories #jikook scenarios #Goldy #goldy blogs #goldy ananlysis #goldy theories #jikook fights #bts ships #jikook is real #jikook are in love #jikook ship

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eleanorbloom · 4 years

Text

When You’re Ready Ch. 13

Pairing: Bryce Lahela x f! MC (Eleanor Bloom) x Ethan Ramsey.

Word Count: 3.6k

Warning: Bit of angst and cursing.

A/N: Hello! This chapter is shorter than usual because I decided last minute that the last third fitted better in next chapter. Eleanor went really deep today trying to figure out her feelings, so, even if could seem a bit boring, it’s really important for the next two chapters.

I also wanna give a special thanks for all the support I’ve recieved from all my works! I can’t believe we are on chapter 13 already! When I updated my masterlist today I realized that this will be my 20th work publised here! 20 work in two and a half months. That’s a looooot 😲😲 So, thank all of you for your constant support and patience with my mistakes and my experimental writing. Currently this is not as difficult as it was in the first chapter, when I had no experience writing fiction in english, but now that I have more confidence, I’ve been experimenting with style and more elaborated words, metaphors and situations, so thank you for your patience in this matter, I hope I find my voice and stick to a more stable style soon hehe.

BIG HUGS to all of you!! ❤❤

I hope you enjoy this new chapter!

Taglist @utterlyinevitable @binny1985 @shanzay44 @choicesficwriterscreations @laiba-the-person @starrystarrytrouble @lahellacute @lucy-268 @cinnamonspongecake @romewritingshop @bratzlahela @mckenzie-bae @mercury84choices

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Chapter 13. Million Reasons.

I’ve got a hundred million reasons to walk away

But baby, I just need one good one to stay.

Tchaikovsky was almost inaudible among the horns and cars passing by the streets of Boston. It was hot for midday, and as much as the AC was the best way to mitigate the heat, Eleanor would always prefer the Bostonian wind percolating through the window at her side of the car.

She was lost in the people walking hurriedly through the sidewalks with who knows how many concerns, joys, and miseries, in a quick game of people-watching to shut her mind for a second. To forget she was alone with Ethan in his car on their way to the Harbor Marina. To ease the pit that she feels in her stomach every time she expects something from someone. A sign of useless hope, disappointment guaranteed. A pain of hope that would always turn into deception.

And now, even with all past experiences, with all the painful conversations in mind and the heartbreaking goodbyes playing in her mind like a broken record, there she was, waiting for something from him again. Her biggest flaw always manifesting.

She could’ve avoided the trip, make an excuse, politely decline, but it would’ve been evidently unprofessional refusing to go with Ethan just after what had happened the day before. He would have known. He knew her enough to notice it. And if she wanted their working relationship back, she had to act professionally. Set an example. And the simpler way to go with it was asking Esme to check on her patients while she was away and then joining him in the parking lot at the agreed time.

She didn’t know what to expect, though. She didn’t even know if she should expect something from him at this point. Worry, apologies, more arguing, more recriminations.

What she actually wanted was to confirm he wasn’t the asshole he was yesterday, that he didn’t mean what he said. That the man she still loved wasn’t this selfish and hurtful. But of course, she had to have in mind that the apologies may not come as she expected, or that they may never come.

But her desire wasn’t created out of nowhere. The moment she saw him this morning, she knew something was different. The cold glare, the conscious ignoring, the distance. There was none of that. Somehow, she felt like the wall between them had fallen. His eyes were looking at her differently, his demeanor towards her was soft, and even his voice wasn’t grave as it used to. But maybe it didn’t mean anything. He had just understood he couldn’t keep being this cold and unprofessional, and he was ending all that and now they would act as nothing happened. Like this almost two months didn’t happen, and they are two friendly colleagues.

“May I ask how are you doing? I’ve been worried about you after what happened yesterday.”—Ethan asked giving a quick glance at her.

Eleanor was taken aback. Although she was daydreaming with the best possibilities, she didn’t expect his words all of a sudden and decidedly mentioning the discussion they had yesterday.

She turned her head to her left and stared at him defiantly, determined to not give in so easily, even if that conversation was all what she wanted.

“You were worried, really? Yesterday it didn’t seem.”

His shoulder slumped imperceptibly at her response, though he tried to remain imperturbable.

“I know. I know it looked like I didn’t care about what you were feeling, but at that moment, I felt… overwhelmed with everything.”

As Ethan didn’t continue, Eleanor turned her head forward, fixating her eyes on the car that was upfront them. After a few moments, she felt how Ethan glanced at her every few seconds.

“What’s wrong? Aren’t you gonna say anything?”—Ethan said after a minute of silence and no reply to his first question.

“Like what?”

“Like how are you doing? I told you I was overwhelmed at that moment, that’s why I reacted that way. But I am genuinely worried about you.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, I just had the stupid hope that you would explain why it was so overwhelming to you to the point of not giving a fuck about the mess I was. My bad.”

“And what should I say?”

“For god’s sake, Ethan.”—She snapped in a jaded tone.—That’s something you should know considering what happened yesterday. If you think you did something wrong, of course, ‘cause if you think that you were all good all the time, there’s nothing left to talk”

“I…”—He stopped as the words couldn’t come out of his mouth.

A brief moment later Ethan parked in the Harbor Marina, and Eleanor didn’t even wait a second after Ethan turned the engine off, to get out the car and walk to the spot where Caroline Bloom indicated the yacht would be parked. After a minute, Ethan appeared behind her with the ultrasound in tow, just as she found Leland and Caroline talking with a group of people on the deck of the yacht.

“Ah, Doctors! Just in time! We’re about to set sail.”—Leland greeted as Eleanor and Ethan stepped in the boat.

“Where can we set up. Mr. Bloom? Somewhere private is best”—Eleanor asked motioning her head to the machine.

“Later, later, I was in the middle of an important discussion and I’d like to finish it before you resume your poking and prodding.”—He chuckled at the incredulity on Ethan’s face, and then added: —“Relax, make yourself at home. I’ll be with you as soon as I can”

Ethan tried to stop him, but Eleanor spoke before he could say anything.

“We're on a boat, Ethan.”—She pointed with obviousness.—“He’s not going anywhere, and it’s not like Tobias can sneak ahead of us while we’re here.”

And without expecting a word from him, Eleanor turned around and walked to the opposite side of the boat looking for a quiet spot to sit in and take in the stunning view that was forming as the yacht navigated across the sea.

Soon she got absorbed by the deep blue ocean in front of her, the saline smell, the brisk air, and the luxury of the quietness, feeling free from all the noises, smog, and the suffocating heat of that summer afternoon.

Those involving feelings made her wonder how different it felt from the fragment of the sea she was swimming yesterday evening. It was the same sea, the Atlantic Ocean, boarding the same city, Boston, with only a dozen miles away, but still, it made her feel so different.

How the depth could add so much beauty, when it is so terrifying and risky the farthest you are from the shore, from the safety zone? Because the farthest it is, the more mysteries and dangers can be found inside.

How much you can find if you jump and dive into the immensity of the ocean, with equal parts of wonders and terrors waiting for you at the bottom of the sea? Is it worth the risk? Or it’s better contemplating from above or just from the safety zone?

Soon she realized that the same question applies to people. The deepest connections come with baggage, unknown baggage. Equal parts of wonders and terrors, or maybe more terrors than wonders or the other way around. It’s unknown, but most of the time, jumping and diving into the depth of a person, between their fears, traumas, manias, dreams, feelings, could worth any risk, even if it’s a pure gamble.

Did that apply to what made her love Ethan? She had been looking for the answer for months, even in the oddest and more impossible places and situations, and today it wasn’t any different. Maybe the water had the answer.

Was it the sense of deepness? Since the beginning, they had a deep connection, even if it wasn’t romantic at first. Ethan understood her way to see life, her passion for medicine, and to help as many people as she could. And she, in return, could understand that he drives his life by a series of principles, that the medicine and the people come always first. But how deep she knew him actually? It was inches from the shore? Feet? Miles? Was she willing to go for miles away from the shore and jump in? Take the risk of getting to know the deepness of his heart, with hall his pains, frustrations, limits, and flaws?

And what about Bryce? She couldn’t help but think about how poorly she knew him on the inside at first, even when they began dating. She knew his charms, his strengths, his qualities, his capacity, but never knew his fears, his flaws, his failures, his deepest regrets. And now she knew him. Since she met Keiki, everything changed, and the missing part that stopped her from loving Bryce on another lever was filled like a jigsaw. He used to show her exactly how he felt. Tired, scared, angry, sad, jealous, all of it. And that was an important component to love a person unconditionally, fully. To fall in love. Something that she had found difficult before Bryce let her in. And now she could say with all honestly that there wasn’t a single part of him that she didn’t like.

The deepness… Something she had always been craving but maybe never knew what it meant. Past friends and lovers made her believe she found it. But it wasn’t. She thought she found it with Ethan. Hard not to. It was a grown-up man, smart and curious. He always had a way to push her and understand all her motives and what drove her in life, so it gave her the sense that that was the deepness she had always been looking for. But now that she has met a new kind of deepness with Bryce she had to wonder: Was it what she was looking for? That’s what she wanted in love? Or Bryce had had the answer all along?

She was so immersed in the profundity of her thoughts that didn’t hear the steps approaching her until Ethan stood by her side and offered her a lemonade.

“Oh. Thank you”—She said startled, looking at him for a brief moment before turning her eyes to the front again.

Ethan cleared his throat and imitated her, fixating his eyes on the water swiveling in front of them.

“I knew there was something between Lahela and you.”—He said after a few minutes of silence.—“I heard rumors, and even Naveen told me he had seen you with him, but I couldn’t believe it, I didn’t want to believe they were true. I thought you were having a fling with him and nothing more than that. He does seem like the guy with whom you just… sleep with and have nothing serious.”

“Wow, even you get carry away with reputations, looks, and prejudices? You of all people, Ethan?”

She turned to face him, changing the cobalt of the sea for the sky blue of his orbs. It was an act of bravery. His eyes still managed to make her feel weak. There were too many memories linked to those beautiful sky eyes.

“I have to admit that I did. That’s why I couldn’t believe it, and that’s why yesterday I reacted that way. I couldn’t understand that you were so naïve to be with a man that was just using you. I could have never imagined that he… that he could be serious about you and be deserving of you.”

“The number of sexual partners of a person doesn’t say anything about them. You can’t judge a person by that.”

“It’s not the number, or what does he do with his life, it’s just that he seemed to be a person who can’t commit and respect you, so I was worried he might be fooling you.”

Eleanor snorted.

“You talking about commitment? Oh, god, you cannot be serious.”

“Why not?”

“You have no idea what commitment is. You always ran at the slightest idea of commitment when I mentioned it.”

“That’s because I know my faults. I took a step back because I know what I could and couldn’t give you, and I thought he couldn’t give you enough.”

Eleanor looked around, checking if there were people near that could hear their agitated conversation, even if she was trying to be as discreet as she could be.

“You thought, you thought.”—She repeated, irritated—“You just assumed things, but never cared to ask. If you were so worried about me, why the fuck you never asked me what was going on?”

“Because it wasn’t my place to do it.”

“Oh, but yesterday you did seem to have a place to say all that crap about Bryce.”

“I know. That was very disrespectful. I shouldn’t have interfered in your private life like this”

“Disrespectful?! Really, Ethan? You insulted my boyfriend in my face. You told lies about him in front of me when you didn’t even dare to confirm your suppositions. That wasn’t unrespectful, it was hurtful, selfish, and cruel because you didn’t do it just once, you did it twice.”

He sighed and his shoulder slumped as if he felt defeated at the mention of the word boyfriend coming out of her mouth. As if he had been still in denial, but there was nothing left to deny now.

“I know, it would have been better if I asked you, but… We were nothing to ask you something so personal. I was just your boss and your colleague.”

“Are you sure about that, Ethan? Because let me remind you that aside from all the Gwyneth thing, you ignored me from the moment you started suspecting I was dating Bryce, because yeah, I always knew you were suspecting. So, you weren’t acting just like my boss, you were my jealous ex-something who ruined my first months in the Diagnostics Team just because you were a coward that didn’t have the balls to face the truth, as always.”

Ethan stared at her ruefully. He wasn’t capable of saying anything, but the least he could do was nod and accept her accusations.

The uncomfortable look lingered only a couple of seconds before they were interrupted by Leland Bloom announcing that he was ready to let them examine him.

An hour later, after spending the rest of the trip chatting with Caroline about her husband and the possible missing information about his symptoms, and socializing with the rest of the guests, Ethan and Eleanor got in the car as soon as they put a foot in the Harbor Marina.

A few minutes after Ethan drove onto the main highway, he broke the silence between them for the third time.

“I’ve been thinking about why I never asked you about Lahela.”—He started— “And the truth is that I didn’t know how to deal with the fact that you could love someone else.”

She felt a lump inside her stomach as she noticed how painful those words were for him. How much he didn’t want to say them. How much he hated to be in that position.

“Ethan…”—She whispered, completely moved by his vulnerability. –“But why? Why you let me go if you weren’t sure you wanted that in the first place?”

“It was the only thing that I could do, Eleanor. I wasn’t ready, and I think I’ll never be ready to let you go, but I had to do it for your own good.”—He scratched the back of his head— “I could’ve never imagined that it would hurt so much seeing you moving on so easily.”

She gave him a humorless smile even when he wasn’t looking at her.

“It hasn’t been easy, Ethan. I have a constant fight inside my head, every day. You have no idea how scared I am at the possibility of breaking the heart of the only person that has given me everything, and the constant guilt of not being able to love him the way he deserves. It’s a nightmare, and has been hell after you indirectly started blaming me for doing something I only did for me, because I needed to heal after you left."

“You’re right. I’m sorry, Eleanor. I know I shouldn’t have made it more difficult than already was. I was so selfish.”

Eleanor shook her head, incredulous.

When Ethan parked outside Edenbrook, Eleanor turned to him.

“Why, Ethan? Why you always have to get to the point where all that’s left is your apologies? I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, it’s all you know. I’m always forgiving you, and I’m tired of that. When will be the time when you won’t get to the point of hurting me, of avoiding say you’re sorry and just… do the right thing?”

He couldn’t say anything.

His posture stiffened as he closed both hands on the steering wheel until his knuckles went white. She was right and he couldn’t hold how angry he was at himself anymore.

“Listen.”—She said in a conciliatory tone. —“This hasn’t been easy for any of us, that’s a fact. We both have our ways to deal with the pain. I chose to do it by giving myself the chance to love again, because someone offered me a way out, knowing perfectly well what I had been through and respecting my boundaries and my fears. You chose to do it the worst way. With denial, jealousy, and selfishness. It was wrong but now is your chance to make it up by leaving us in the past and by being the boss, the colleague I need, but no more than that.”

He nodded.

“Eleanor…”—He took her hand before she could get out of the car.—“I understand what you’re asking me, is what you truly deserve but… I need to know if... that’s really what you want?”

She faced him again

“Why is it important now? You never cared about what I wanted, only what was ‘good’ for me.”

“I know, but maybe I’ve realized that I was wrong. That there are more important things that what I consider good for you.”

“I think is too late for that.”

“Is it really too late? Even if you’re still in love with me?”

Her eyes widened for a second when she felt a shiver down her spine. She never thought he would react that fast. Maybe he knew he was racing against time. He wasted so much time these months and he had to act quickly.

What was happening, was something she had dreamed for weeks since he left, and maybe a couple of times since he was back; but now she didn’t know how to react. What to feel. What to expect. It was confusing. Bittersweet. Because it felt wrong. He couldn’t open the door to Ethan just like that, even if Bryce had ‘allowed’ her to, because those weren’t the circumstances she had imagined. However, that’s what she got, and she had to take charge of her choice.

What she was about to say had a mixture of feelings. She couldn't deny that there was hope, but it wasn’t the same as the hope she had four months ago when he left. It was clouded with fear, the fear of making the same mistake again, and it was tinted with the feeling that she was doing something wrong. Maybe, deep inside, she didn't want to do it, but she felt like it was her last resource.

And the other feeling was… Bravery, she knew opening the door would help her to put in order her feelings, just as Bryce told her the day before. If she let Ethan be the man she loved, maybe there was a chance to know if she was willing to jump the ship and dive into the deepness of his wonders and terrors. She sensed that only getting to know him as he really was, would, at last, find out if she still loved him or she was just trapped to a part of Ethan that only existed in her memory.

It was risky, it would be hard, but that was what she probably needed to end all this tiring process. In any case, it was just open the door to possibility, but not to let him in.

“Maybe not.”

He couldn’t help but smile with relief.

“Don’t get your hopes too high, though”—She added—“I’m still with Bryce and I won’t break up with him just because maybe you gonna try to make things work out between us.”

She was opening the door, but she wouldn’t make things easy for him. Bryce hadn’t had things easy with her and took a big risk. She wouldn’t let that Ethan think he had some sort of advantage just because she was in love with him. If he wanted her, he’ll have to strive.

“I understand.”

“Okay, anything else? Because I’m done with this situation.”

“Just one more thing.”

“What?”

He stared at her for a few seconds, trying to transmit sincerity and regret.

“I’m really sorry about what happened yesterday, Eleanor. For how I made you feel and what I said about Lahela. That was totally out of line and wrong. I shouldn’t have let it affect me this bad, but it did, and I hurt you on the way. I am sorry. I know you don’t want to hear any more apologies, but you deserved a better apology than what I gave you earlier. I hope this is the last time.”

Eleanor remained silent for a few seconds, thinking. She was done with grudges and fights. She got what she wanted and had no intention to prolong the bad relationship between them. After all, she always knew Ethan wasn’t bad on the inside. But he made mistakes and he’ll have to live with them, at least until he proved with facts that he was really sorry, and those weren’t empty words as usual.

“I accept them, but don’t expect things to go back like they were before.”

He nodded with somber eyes.

A moment later, she got out of the car without looking back.

_____

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duchessofostergotlands · 4 years

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Breakdown of my views on The Statement: My thoughts in bold

We are pleased to now be able to share with you an update on many of the details agreed at a meeting of The Royal Family in January 2020, which outlines The Duke and Duchess of Sussex’s new roles, taking effect Spring 2020. We had hoped to be allowed to share these details with you sooner (to mitigate any confusion and subsequent misreporting), but the facts below should help provide some clarification around this transition and the steps for the future. Spoiler alert: it doesn’t

AS AGREED AND SET OUT IN JANUARY 2020:

It is agreed that the commencement of the revised role of The Duke and Duchess of Sussex will take effect Spring 2020 and undergo a 12 month review. No problem here, all makes sense

The Royal Family respect and understand the wish of The Duke and Duchess of Sussex to live a more independent life as a family, by removing the supposed ‘public interest’ justification for media intrusion into their lives. They remain a valued part of Her Majesty’s family. THIS IS SO FUCKING DISRESPECTFUL. “The supposed ‘public interest’ justification for media intrusion.” It’s not supposed. The fact they think that shows such lack of understanding of what their role is. We give them millions, they have a completely unearned influence over government and society at large. To prevent corruption they have to understand that public interest is an incredibly powerful argument. I get that there have been things that have happened that are intrusive and unnecessary, I’ve said that myself. But this is not the way to tackle them because the public interest should be central to everything they do and there were things that were in the public interest that they didn’t consider to be (like Harry’s recent lost case about his cropping of the elephant photo).

The Duke and Duchess of Sussex will become privately funded members of The Royal Family with permission to earn their own income and the ability to pursue their own private charitable interests. Privately funded means no Duchy support which hasn’t yet been confirmed. This is ultimately misleading because they always had permission to earn their own income as working royals - as Harry knows, he was a soldier earning a wage - but had restrictions because they had to remain accountable. They don’t want the restrictions

The preference of The Duke and Duchess of Sussex was to continue to represent and support Her Majesty The Queen albeit in a more limited capacity, while not drawing on the Sovereign Grant. HOW DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND YOU COULD NEVER DO THIS??? Again, the total lack of understanding of public sentiment and the important relationship between the public and the monarchy astounds me. What they’re saying is that they wanted to continue to be working royals and represent the UK officially with all of the power and privilege that comes with it but not have any of the ties that make them accountable. That’s not how it works.

While there is precedent for other titled members of the Royal Family to seek employment outside of the institution, for The Duke and Duchess of Sussex, a 12-month review period has been put in place. There is no precedent for this situation and the fact that they keep saying that is feeding the stan nonsense about them being treated more harshly. Other royals are allowed to make income outside of the monarchy - as Meghan and Harry were at all times - but have to have approval from the Queen and the Lord Chamberlain. They didn’t want that which is their right - but is also their choice!

Per the agreement The Duke and Duchess of Sussex understand that they are required to step back from Royal duties and not undertake representative duties on behalf of Her Majesty The Queen. Yep, all good

As agreed and set out in January, The Duke and Duchess of Sussex will retain their “HRH” prefix, thereby formally remaining known as His Royal Highness The Duke of Sussex and Her Royal Highness The Duchess of Sussex. The Duke and Duchess of Sussex will no longer actively use their HRH titles as they will no longer be working members of the family as of Spring 2020. Yep, all good. I don’t really think it was ever necessary for them to drop the HRH but that’s just my view

As the grandson of Her Majesty and second son of The Prince of Wales, Prince Harry, The Duke of Sussex remains sixth in line to the throne of The British Monarchy and the Order of Precedence is unchanged. Yep, totally cool. Now tell us whether he’ll remain a Counsellor of State which is a major constitutional issue

It was agreed that The Duke and Duchess will no longer be able to formally carry out ‘official duties’ for The Queen or represent The Commonwealth, but they will, however, be allowed to maintain their patronages (including those that are classified as ‘royal’ patronages). Yep, no problem with this. This is about the individual relationship between the couple and their patronages, not about the BRF

It is agreed that The Duke and Duchess of Sussex will continue to require effective security to protect them and their son. This is based on The Duke’s public profile by virtue of being born into The Royal Family, his military service, the Duchess’ own independent profile, and the shared threat and risk level documented specifically over the last few years. No further details can be shared as this is classified information for safety reasons. The monarchy has not confirmed this and as their first statement is now almost complete rubbish, I’m waiting to see if this turns out to be true long term. We have a right to know which countries are paying for their security, however. Canada has a right to know, we have a right to know if our taxpayer funds are going towards people who don’t live here or work here

In relation to the military, The Duke of Sussex will retain the rank of Major, and honorary ranks of Lieutenant Commander, and Squadron Leader. During this 12-month period of review, The Duke’s official military appointments will not be used as they are in the gift of the Sovereign. No new appointments will be made to fill these roles before the 12-month review of the new arrangements is completed. This isn’t what we’d been led to believe so I’m not sure what the truth is here. I expect the BRF will have to clear it up

While per the agreement, The Duke will not perform any official duties associated with these roles, given his dedication to the military community and ten years of service he will of course continue his unwavering support to the military community in a non-official capacity. As founder of the Invictus Games, The Duke will proudly continue supporting the military community around the world through the Invictus Games Foundation and The Endeavour Fund. It’ll be interesting to see how this works because the Endeavour Fund is a project of the Royal Foundation so will he be privately funding it? Which contradicts with their point below? Or will he be doing work for the Royal Foundation?

Based on the Duke and Duchess of Sussex’s desire to have a reduced role as members of The Royal Family, it was decided in January that their Institutional Office would have to be closed, given the primary funding mechanism for this official office at Buckingham Palace is from HRH The Prince of Wales. The Duke and Duchess shared this news with their team personally in January once they knew of the decision, and have worked closely with their staff to ensure a smooth transition for each of them. I get why they might be trying to frame this as out of their control but they decided to step back and they bear all the responsibility for these people losing their jobs. Take ownership of what you do. If they’d just included the below point it would have been fine.

Over the last month and a half, The Duke and Duchess have remained actively involved in this process, which has understandably been saddening for The Duke and Duchess and their loyal staff, given the closeness of Their Royal Highnesses and their dedicated team.

As The Duke and Duchess will no longer be considered full-time working Members of The Royal Family, it was agreed that use of the word ‘Royal’ would need to be reviewed as it pertains to organisations associated with them in this new regard. More details on this below. No problem. I didn’t necessarily think this needed to happen but it’s probably cleaner.

ADDITIONAL DETAILS:

As shared in early January on this website, The Duke and Duchess of Sussex do not plan to start a ‘foundation’, but rather intend to develop a new way to effect change and complement the efforts made by so many excellent foundations globally. This point and the sentences below are utter gibberish. Stop with the buzz words (literally every charity is cause driven jfc...) You also did call it a Foundation when you legally registered it so I can’t imagine why people would possibly be confused you’re saying it’s not a Foundation

The creation of this non-profit entity will be in addition to their cause driven work that they remain deeply committed to. While The Duke and Duchess are focused on plans to establish a new non-profit organisation, given the specific UK government rules surrounding use of the word ‘Royal’, it has been therefore agreed that their non-profit organisation will not utilise the name ‘Sussex Royal’ or any other iteration of ‘Royal.’ Fine

For the above reason, the trademark applications that had been filed as protective measures and that reflected the same standard trademarking requests as done for The Royal Foundation of The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, have been removed. I do think it was fair enough to point this out because the press have been suggesting the trademark was about selling stuff with their name on it when everyone trademarks stuff as a protective measure

While there is not any jurisdiction by The Monarchy or Cabinet Office over the use of the word ‘Royal’ overseas, The Duke and Duchess of Sussex do not intend to use ‘Sussex Royal’ or any iteration of the word ‘Royal’ in any territory (either within the UK or otherwise) when the transition occurs Spring 2020. This was definitely Harry. Anyway this is something that again seems to ignore public sentiment. The primary view was that they could do what they want but not claim to be Royal. This isn’t just the Queen being a meanie, it’s the Queen and the Government respecting public opinion. But ultimately, they chose to agree to this. They could use Royal if they wanted to, they acknowledge there’s no jurisdiction. So either do what you want or stop whingeing about it

As The Duke and Duchess of Sussex continue to develop their non-profit organisation and plan for their future, we hope that you use this site as the source for factual information. In Spring 2020, their digital channels will be refreshed as they introduce the next exciting phase to you. “Source for factual information.” Given that your entire first statement was bollocks and you’ve misled people in this one I don’t really trust that you’re the source for factual information. You’re the source for your version of events. Which you’re entitled to be, but don’t paint it as the objective truth. No one should present themselves as infallible and above questioning

The Duke and Duchess of Sussex eagerly await the opportunity to share more with you and greatly appreciate your support!

#the great schism #british royal family

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pentanguine · 3 years

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1. Do you use any other terms to define or explain your gender?

So…I got a little carried away. Most of these posts will not be this long, but I had a lot I wanted to say, and a long drizzly afternoon to work on saying it, so.

Aside from genderqueer, trans, and nonbinary…

I’ve started feeling more at home with the word transmasculine this year, after several years of circling it warily and ultimately running away because it would just be ALL TOO SHOCKING. Other people interpret transmasculine in a wide variety of ways, many of which make me deeply uncomfortable (eg “Transmasc = physically transitioning in all the same ways trans men usually do;” “Transmasc = trans man but woke about it;” “Transmasc = I have aligned myself against women and forsaken feminism and I love asserting my dominant gender role”), and voluntarily using a word that’s ripe for misinterpretation made my control-obsessed brain fuck right off.

But ultimately it’s not really about using words (what does that even mean? putting them in your tumblr bio? buying the pride flag?) so much as knowing, however privately, that you are a thing. And I’m transmasculine! It’s a word that feels comfortable, and homey, and exciting. Other people who use that word sound like me! They look like me, and they look how I want to look! I get such a blooming, leaping, light-filled feeling in my chest when I see these people, because I instinctively feel that these are People Like Me. I recognize myself in their experiences of gender, and sometimes I feel like my whole body’s going to shake apart with a euphoria that’s like being on fire. Every time I read something by Daniel M. Lavery I end up rolling around on the floor in paroxysms of delight and Feeling Seen, and my brain lights up like a fireworks display when I see awkward bi men with curly brown hair and glasses. There is still a little part of my brain that’s convinced referring to myself as transmasc will make everyone deeply disappointed in me, and obligate me to go out and befriend a footballer named Chad, but I’ve been casually referring to myself that way since May in semi-public venues and the sky hasn’t fallen in yet.

Transmasc feels like a useful word for me because it makes me feel more settled. I think a lot of times nonbinary gender is simplified to gender neutrality (which it is for some people!), while for me it’s more like a stewing mess full of things that don’t make coherent sense in anyone’s mind but my own. So I can like masculine words and gender presentations, and that doesn’t mean I’m equating neutrality with masculinity, and I can also express my gender in the numerous non-masc ways that feel natural to me while still having that anchor to come back to. Ultimately, I think it just means that I have a more meaningful relationship with masculinity than I have with femininity, neutrality, or androgyny, and that I’m deliberately moving in a more masc-coded direction that the one I started out. And that’s it!

The other big gender-conceptualization-thing that I’ve been thinking a lot about is the complicated muddle of doubleness and inversion that I feel between gender identity, gender presentation, sexuality, and gender expression. I don’t feel bigender, because that sounds like I have two discrete gender experiences sitting side by side, and I’m not genderfluid, because it’s not like my gender actually changes, but I do feel like I’m part woman-affiliated agender person, and part genderqueer guy with the genderqueer dialed up to eleven and the guy dialed down to two. Part of me feels apart from gender, but nebulously attached to queer ideas of womanhood (lesbian! spinster! middle school girl at a sleepover who promises to love her friends more than any passing crush!), and then part of me feels apart from gender, but like I picked Guy Gender to steal for myself and imitate and relentlessly queer by virtue of not taking it seriously enough. But it’s all mixed together, you know? Like paint swirling on a palette, or light bringing out iridescence on fish scales. Sometimes it will be more like one thing, sometimes more like another, but it’s always whole and completely intertwined.

Earlier this year a Miriam Zoila Perez quote about being a faggy butch was going around, and man, that gave me a lot of gender feelings. I first encountered the term fairy butch on this old blog called The Butchelor, and while I loved it then, I didn’t use it because of a radfem-induced trepidation that it was all an elaborate joke everyone understood but me. I also have an extremely annoyed relationship to the word butch, because I’m not butch at all, and I doubt anyone else would think I am, but this seems to be the only word anyone is capable of using to describe queer masculinity. It’s like other people are determined to smash you into yet another binary (ironically, a binary that’s jealously guarded by the same people who keep enfolding you in it) because you’re afab and like wearing ties. It’s annoying!

But the phrase fairy butch just seems so delightful to me, because it’s whimsical and complex, and also so genderfucky. I’m not masculine in any of the ways that usually cohere to the word butch—I don’t have the interests, or the mannerisms, or the sexual propensities or the haircut or the total dislike for anything feminine-coded (why is masculinity always all or nothing, and all about absence?). I love my socks with the sparkly pink foxgloves, I love smiling (why must men never smile?), I like sitting with my legs crossed and talking with my hands. I’m not feminine, I’m effeminate. I’m a double invert, gay for women and gay for men, a too-boyish-“woman” who doubles right back around as a too-feminine-“man.” Maybe I’m not a butch, or even a (faggy) butch, but dammit I’m a fairy/butch. Two queers in one, two inextricable, contradicting queernesses that complicate and complement and mitigate and enhance each other.

The idea that I’ve been slowly winding towards is that contradiction is part of my gender. It’s not something that’s going to get smoothed out one day when I find The Perfect Word, and the questioning and revisiting isn’t going to end when I reach The Final Stage of Transition or whatever. I read an article a few weeks ago that nebulously cited Jack Halberstam as saying “refusal to resolve my gender ambiguity has become a kind of identity for me,” and that’s something that resonates with me so, so much. I don’t have to make myself neat and appropriate for consumption, because my gender doesn’t exist at the mercy of other people’s understanding. I’m not a problem that has yet to be shoved into a “woman-aligned” or “nonvir” box, I just am. Sitting amidst the dissonance of things that other people tell me are impossible to feel at the same time is my identity. I never want to cohere.

It reminds me of the way I feel about historical figures like Katharine Hepburn and Daphne DuMaurier, who were definitely genderqueer as fuck, but also closeted to the outside world for their entire lives, and unclassifiable in modern terminology. They were real, complex people who existed, and are now gone! It would be really weird to assign them a coherent identity, like “Hepburn was a nonbinary trans man” or “DuMaurier was genderfluid” or what-have-you, when all you have are decontextualized fragments of their gender feelings. (I feel comfortable calling them genderqueer because that can be used as an adjective to describe cis people who queer gender, which they definitely did)

Anyway: I feel very deeply connected to these people, and the way they saw themselves as being boys, or like-men, or men-in-certain-contexts, or men-and-women, or women-who-wanted-to-be-men. But the thing is, wherever they may have wanted to go, they never arrived. Would Hepburn have preferred to be known professionally as Jimmy, gone by he/him pronouns in all areas of life, and identified as a proud trans man? Barring some spectacular archival discovery, we’ll never know, because that was never a viable option in Hepburn’s lifetime. And that space of possibly-wanting, but not-arriving, feels like a destination to me. That gap, between wanting and actualization, or fantasizing and pursuing, or playing around and Identifying As, feels like it is part of my experience of gender. I’m not a man, I’m a woman-who-wants-to-be-a-man. There has to be that distance, and that wanting.

I’ve gone on for an absurd amount of time here, but ultimately: I’m queer! My gender is queer! Some people are men, some people are women, and I’m a queer.

#gqid asks #it occurs to me now that i've spent over an hour writing this out that most of this is stuff i've talked about before #admittedly usually in the tags here on tumblr or else very hesitantly one on one with friends #but still! i started writing this full of self-conscious trepidation and then by the time i'd finished i was like #'i don't think any of this is new information to any of your rl friends. genuinely this is not ALL TOO SHOCKING'#and that was a nice thing to realize because it makes me feel less like i hoard my entire sense of self under a rock #maybe sometimes i communicate with people i care about and that is good and fine #personal #it's a blustery autumn night here and dry leaves are whirling against the windows and rasping over the roof

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wedreamedlove · 5 years

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[FIC] No Other But You

Rating: T Characters: Bai Qi/Reader Word Count: 7051

A/N: Figured I should check off writing ABO on my bucket list, and I’m trying out a new 2nd POV writing style. I have fics planned in this ‘verse for the other three men too, but they should be able to stand alone. Also, I’m using the Chinese names because my understanding of the characters comes from the CN version.

Tags: ABO. Alpha!Bai Qi. Omega!Reader. Fluff. Cuddling.

Summary: Bai Qi gets hurt and goes into a feral state and you’re the only one who can bring him back.

No new messages.

This is the 18th time you’ve checked your phone in the past 30 minutes and you can’t help but furrow your eyebrows when you look at the time displayed on your phone screen. It shows 7:29 PM.

Plans had been made for you and Bai Qi to have dinner together tonight. You wanted to thank him for all the help he’s given you personally and professionally and so, after you wore him down by repeatedly insisting on thanking him, he said he wanted to eat a meal you cooked. However, the day before the dinner date, he was called into work; he promised he would make it back in time but…

You look at the cooling dishes on the table and sigh. You’re more worried over whatever held him back than him standing you up though. Did something happen during his work? Is he hurt? The lack of any contact only increases your concerns and so you pick up your phone again to check for replies, despite it having been silent this entire time.

But suddenly, as if answering your wishes, your phone begins to ring. You nearly drop it, startled at the noise, and then scramble to answer it when you see Bai Qi’s name flash on the screen.

You call out his name and ask him where he is and if he’s alright.

However, what reaches your ears is not the warm voice of Bai Qi but the dispassionate one of an unfamiliar man. “Hello? What’s your relationship to the owner of this phone?”

You warily ask him who he is and how he has Bai Qi’s phone.

“I’m one of his colleagues. You can call me B-2. Now, let me ask again, what’s your relationship to B-7?”

The question gives you pause. You’re not sure what response he’s looking for, but you answer that you’re Bai Qi’s friend and that you two attended the same high school together. Inwardly, you decide that this “B-2” didn’t need to know it was just for an year or so in high school and that, at the time, you only knew Bai Qi from the rumors surrounding him.

There’s silence on the other end for a short while before B-2 talks, “There’s an emergency with B-7 and I think we can use your help.”

Your blood runs cold at his words and you barely manage to ask him, through numb lips, what exactly happened to Bai Qi, where he is, and if you can see him.

“It’s better if I explain in person on the way there. Where can I pick you up?”

You give B-2 your address and, after hanging up the call, run to your closet to pick out more suitable clothes for going outside. Being an Omega means that, without the presence of an Alpha or Beta, you need to cover up your neck and wrists as much as possible. For Omegas, their scent is only supposed to be released in a home or privately to people close to them, and spreading an Omega scent outside in public was a huge faux pas.

Incidentally, it’s the opposite for Alphas and they’re supposed to share their scent and use it to mark, guard, or warn people. For them it’s an important communication tool used to mitigate conflicts, especially considering how most Alphas are short-tempered. Betas have the ability to manipulate their scent in either direction, just not as strong as an Alpha or an Omega; they also happen to be the most common in the world.

It’s only after you finish dressing yourself that you realize, belatedly, that it probably wasn’t the wisest of ideas to give a stranger your address and agree to be taken to an unknown place. But, on the other hand, he does have Bai Qi’s phone and Bai Qi doesn’t seem the type to be careless with his belongings, to say nothing about something that concerns you.

Before you can second guess your decision your phone rings again.

“This is B-2. I’m downstairs.”

From these words, you have the suspicion that B-2 is an Alpha just because they’re particularly sensitive about intruding on what they see as another person’s territory and den.

Your suspicion is realized the moment you step outside. There is a man standing in front of a black car with tinted windows; he has an easy smile on his face and a relaxed posture, but it doesn’t hide the presence and scent of an Alpha that comes from him, no matter how restrained he’s keeping it. But at least his restraint makes his scent take on a refreshingly light note and it doesn’t come off as cloying or oppressive.

He stands at attention the moment he catches sight and scent of you and, for a second, you think you see his eyes narrow. But that expression passes too quickly to be sure and all you can see is his disarming smile. He holds out a hand and shows you the strip of cloth there.

“Sorry, but I’m going to have to blindfold you so you don’t see the roads we take.”

Ordinarily, you would be balking here but considering you’re already at this stage and you’re still extremely worried about Bai Qi you nod, albeit somewhat hesitant. B-2 is as gentle as he can be though, making sure not to touch you unnecessarily and, before long, the cloth is wrapped around your head and covering your eyes. He helps you into the car and orders the driver to return to the “base” before you feel the car move.

---------------

During the drive to wherever your destination is the situation is explained to you.

“I’m afraid the details are classified, but all you need to know is that a mission went topsy-turvy and B-7 took a bullet covering for someone and it was serious enough to trigger a feral state.”

Before you can open your mouth, B-2 heads off your words and continues.

“It’s procedure for some of us Alphas to keep an item that can be used to bring us back to a rational mind; however, when we opened B-7’s locker there was only one of his jackets with a faded scent. Tsk, he should know clothing isn’t allowed to be used since it’s too hard to keep fresh,” B-2 grumbles that out before he resumes his explanation, “Anyway, it wasn’t enough to calm him, so we had no choice but to sedate and restrain him to treat him. Obviously his instincts went even more haywire after that and things were looking grim until we broke into his personal phone and, well, here we are.”

Despite B-2 not revealing any classified details, it still feels like he dumped a load of information on you. You manage to latch onto the key points though: one, Bai Qi was hurt. Two, he was hurt enough for his Alpha instincts to trigger a feral state. If Alphas stay too long in this wild state, they won’t be able to regain their human minds again. Three, you were contacted because of Bai Qi’s phone in the hopes that you can bring him back.

But, wait, that in and of itself makes you puzzled. So, you ask B-2 why it was you they contacted.

B-2 sends you a considering look, “You were the only person listed in his phone.”

Oh. You aren’t sure how to respond to that. Happy? Sad? Touched?

You’re silent for the rest of the ride as you digest the information you were given, your hands clasped tightly in your lap. B-2 also doesn’t try to talk to you, but you feel his occasional glances as if he’s assessing you but also trying not to make you feel pressured by the stare of an Alpha. You appreciate his consideration for both matters.

Eventually, the car stops and B-2 removes your blindfold. For a second, you think there’s a problem with your eyes because there is nothing but white space around the car until you notice the circular metal door in front of you at the end of the room. When you look back over your shoulder you can see there’s a similar metallic door behind you and the car and probably where you guys entered from in the first place.

“Follow me, please,” B-2 says as he gets out of the car.

You do so and B-2 waves the driver away before he walks up to the door. The moment he stands in front of it a blue light shoots out, making you jump, and scans him from head to toe.

A robotic voice announces, “Identification: B-2 confirmed. Status: no abnormalities. Entry allowed.”

The door slides up into the ceiling with a hiss and you barely remember to follow B-2 when he walks through without hesitation. Questions are at the tip of your tongue, but at the same time you feel like you shouldn’t ask anything. It’s clear that this isn’t a normal building - and definitely not the police station - so you’re sure that B-2 is part of the same special forces that Bai Qi is in. You keep your silence.

B-2 doesn’t say anything either and goes on to take you through countless hallways and doors, enough to the point where you’re helplessly lost within minutes. However, you notice that you haven’t seen another person in this building, apart from B-2 and the driver back in the car, up to now and so you ask him about that.

“Oh, I had the people in our path cleared out. You don’t need to bump into any of our other Alphas.”

You’re surprised but grateful again at B-2’s consideration of your Omega status. In addition, most Alphas can’t help themselves from sending lingering looks at an unbonded Omega, but B-2 hasn’t done anything more than give you passing glances. He doesn’t smell bonded himself, but he still keeps a polite and proper distance from you and refrains from flaunting his scent.

Although, you do wonder when he had time to give orders to clear everyone out. If he did anything, you certainly didn’t notice it. You also wonder what sort of status he has to do all this. You must have had a puzzled look on your face because when B-2 looks over at you, maybe to make sure you’re still following, he adds onto his previous words.

“I got permission from the head honcho. Besides, everyone knows an Alpha on the verge of going feral is an urgent matter.”

You tell him you understand, but also turn tense at the reminder of why you’re here in the first place. Not that it’s ever been far from your mind though.

At last, B-2 leads you to what looks like just another door in just another long hallway, except when you both enter you immediately see the person you’ve been wanting to see for the entire day.

Bai Qi.

He’s behind a floor to ceiling glass window, which appears to be a one-way mirror because when you run up to it and place your hands on it, calling out his name automatically, there is no response from him.

Through the mirror, you can see that he’s strapped down to a bed by metal cuffs around his wrists and ankles, and glaring at the corner of a room, lips curled back in what would no doubt be a vicious snarl if sound could pass through these walls.

This sight squeezes your heart and you round on B-2, a snarl of your own building in your throat.

“Calm down, miss.” B-2 raises his hands in an appeasing gesture, eyebrows shooting up at your ferocity. “Like I said, we had no choice but to restrain him to treat him.”

Now that he mentions it, you can see the thick swathe of bandages wrapped around Bai Qi’s bare chest. There’s a red stain that’s seeped through already and you think you can see it spreading whenever he strains against his restraints. You turn to B-2 again and ask to be let in to see Bai Qi.

B-2 frowns though and crosses his arms. “To be honest, I’m worried. I was under the assumption that you were his Omega but,” B-2 sniffs the air here, “you’re unbonded. It’d be dangerous—”

You interrupt him and insist on your request. A hesitant look flashes through B-2’s eyes and you spring onto that, pointing out how he’s brought you here already, so clearly his superiors have made their decision about the benefits outweighing the risks. Bai Qi’s value to them is worth more than the safety of an unbonded Omega. B-2 really is a nice person, you think, to the point where you almost doubt he is an Alpha; this is more like Beta or Omega behavior, with how considerate he’s being to someone unrelated to him.

For a few suspenseful seconds, B-2 doesn’t say anything before he slumps his shoulders, giving an explosive sigh. “Alright, alright. I suppose we’re already at this point, although I was hoping you would have reservations after seeing him.”

He leads you to a corner of the room, beside the one-way window, where there is a discreet door and enters a code. Before the door opens though, he looks at you one more time, as if confirming that you’re really going to go through with this and, upon seeing your determination, he opens the door.

The instant it slides open Bai Qi whips his head over in this direction. There’s a high-pitched whistling noise, but it’s only after a serrated gust of wind slashes between you and B-2 that you realize what the sound was foretelling. You flinch. B-2 already leapt out of the way the moment he heard the sound, but a cut appears on his face seconds later and you smell the iron tang of fresh blood.

“How’s he using his Evol in that state!?” B-2 exclaims.

He turns to you and it’s clear that he intends to call this whole thing off and bring you back to the safety of the observation room. So, instead, you take a step to the side and into the room to avoid his hand.

“What’re you doing?! That he can use his Evol changes everything. It’s too dangerous!” B-2 furrows his brows, but he quickly withdraws his hand when a hissing, vicious blade of wind splits the air between you two again.

You shake your head and reassure B-2 that it’s not dangerous for you. And it isn’t just a baseless belief in Bai Qi not hurting you that makes you say this either. It was just demonstrated. When the first gust of wind came, even though it was sharp enough to cause B-2 to bleed from a glancing brush, it had been a blunt current that swept past you. Like the flat of a blade, it both protected you and warned off others.

B-2 gives you a shrewd look, but he also doesn’t take another step towards you. He’s also noticed that there hasn’t been more attacks after he stepped away from you and stopped moving towards you. There’s just a loud reverberating growl that you can almost see shaking the air. Not to mention, Bai Qi’s eyes have been fixed on B-2. He hasn’t once looked at you.

This could mean that either, in his feral state, Bai Qi has marked you to be without threat and so someone who can be ignored, or his instincts have marked you as one of his and so he needs to direct his attention to the outsider.

Finally, B-2 gives you a curt nod. “If it ends up looking bad, I’ll come in and get you.”

Having said that, B-2 moves back into the observation room. Meanwhile, you continue deeper into the room, the sound of your footsteps drowned out by the constant rumbling growl coming from Bai Qi’s chest. His growls only soften after the door behind you closes and becomes quieter and quieter the closer you get to his bedside.

The entire time, his amber eyes are pinned onto you, unblinking.

By the time you come up beside him, his growls have tapered off into silence.

You call his name.

Bai Qi gives no reaction other than inhaling deeply, and then he pulls against his restraints, straining towards you.

The red bleeding through his bandages is even more vivid up close and you can’t stop yourself from reaching out and touching his face, trying to soothe him and stop him from aggravating his injury. He turns his face into your hand automatically, breathing in and making soft chuffing noises.

Now that you’re beside him you can see that the number of scars on his body have increased again. There’s one on his shoulder. There’s another pink, healing cut peeking out from beneath the bandages and which cuts down to his hip. Then there’s two that crisscross on his right forearm. A sour feeling settles in your heart and you feel a sting behind your eyes and in the back of your nose.

Maybe your distress leaked out, because Bai Qi rubs his cheek as much as he can against your hand and starts up a near inaudible rumble that’s meant to soothe. And every time he exhales you can feel a soft breeze brush through your hair.

A thought occurs to you and you turn to the side of the room where you recall the one-way mirror to be, ignoring the camera in the corner of the room, and ask if Bai Qi’s restraints can be removed.

There’s no verbal response, but you hear a click before the cuffs around Bai Qi’s wrists and ankles unlatch.

In the next second, you’re thrown onto the bed. There’s no time to react before a weight settles on you, legs bracketing yours and a chest that brushes against you. Then a cool nose presses against the crook of your neck through the fabric of your shirt.

Loud breathing echoes in your ears.

Despite the abrupt and rough movement though, the hands around you are gentle and cradle you. In fact, your head doesn’t even touch the bed’s pillow because Bai Qi has a hand cupped around the back of your head.

Still, you can’t help but tense instinctively at how a feral Alpha’s teeth are right beside your throat. You clutch at Bai Qi’s shoulders. Should you push him away or not? The reason why it’s dangerous for an Omega to be around a feral Alpha, especially if they aren’t bonded with each other, is because a feral Alpha is driven only by their most base instincts and hyper-aroused. Put in layman’s terms, a feral Alpha has their fight-or-flight response triggered, but set permanently on fight. So, feral Alphas either direct that outward on their surroundings indiscriminately or they hone in on an Omega and vent their tension. Violently.

However, you asked for the restraints to be released precisely because Bai Qi hasn’t shown any violence towards you at all.

Bai Qi must have felt your nervousness because he starts up his soothing rumble again, deeper this time, and you realize that you haven’t felt the press of teeth against your throat at all. He’s only nuzzling your neck and breathing deeply, causing his chest to rise and fall on you.

You tentatively slide your hands from his shoulders down his back, feeling the shift of his muscles as he kneads the sheets beneath you, a shudder running through him at your touch. The tension in Bai Qi leeches out slowly as you stroke your hands up and down his back. You also make sure to press your wrists against him to spread your scent as much as you can since it seems to be working to calm him.

But then Bai Qi slides his other hand up, the one not behind your head, to pull your shirt collar down to get at your neck more.

You freeze. He does as well.

You swallow and the movement of that makes your exposed throat brush against his lips, kicking up your heart rate. But just as your shoulders rise - an automatic reaction of wanting to pull them in, curl up, and tuck your chin down to protect yourself - Bai Qi releases your shirt collar to rub gentle circles above your breastbone with a thumb.

He maintains his reassuring purr, not doing anything else, and so you find yourself relaxing again. Bai Qi also slumps down further, as if mirroring you, and places more of his weight on you. His legs are pressed right beside yours and his hips against yours. Fortunately, he isn’t crushing you underneath his chest since, as he slides his nose to the hollow of your throat, he has to curve his back to be in this position.

His hair tickles beneath your chin. The brown strands are softer than they looked.

Every time you breathe you can smell the scent of warm soap, a muffled odor of blood, and something that was just Bai Qi. Like gingko leaves soaking in sunlight on a clear day, but with the nip of an autumn breeze calling in the coming winter.

You return to stroking his back again, loosening the hold on your own scent, because this is familiar. If you close your eyes, block off the sight of this unfeeling room, the camera in the corner, the bandages that pressed against your chest, and how Bai Qi hasn’t said a single word since you entered this room, you can trick yourself into thinking this was just another day where you had a long day at work and Bai Qi was comforting you.

Eventually - you aren’t sure of how much time passes - you hear a voice.

“It’s you.”

There’s a low, grating growl to Bai Qi’s words that hints at how close his feral state is still lurking underneath the surface. But he’s talking now. He’s talking and that means the fear of him having lost his mind forever is gone.

You tighten your arms around Bai Qi to hug him, calling out his name in a choked sob.

Bai Qi tenses with surprise before he reciprocates by hauling you into a crushing hug.

Surrounded by his warmth, you feel the last of your fears get swept away, like dark clouds pushed aside to reveal a clear sky. However, you also suddenly remember where you are and why you’re here, making you draw back in a hurry. Bai Qi is hurt and you were pressing on his wound like that!

Bai Qi moves without hesitation when he feels you push at him, sitting back on his knees.

You ask him worriedly if his injury hurts.

He looks confused for a moment, but then follows your eyes down to the red-stained bandages around his chest.

“No,” he says and shakes his head.

Now that you can look at his face you realize that the grittiness in his voice isn’t just because of his feral state being close to the surface, but also because of the fact that he’s clenched his jaw hard enough that you can see the tense muscle.

You reach out without a thought and place your hand against his face. Bai Qi doesn’t react at all, only watching you with quiet brown eyes. In fact, he even tilts his head into your touch and, when your hand shifts at that movement, he reflexively reaches up to grab your hand and keep it pressed to him, as if afraid your hand would drop away.

You rub at his jaw and encourage him to relax, worried about how he might be pushing himself to hide his pain from you.

Bai Qi laughs at your words and the hot breath of his exhalation skims across your palm and sends a ticklish sensation straight into your heart. “No, I really don’t feel anything. I’m used to injuries like these in my work.”

Before you can get even more upset at that, he continues on.

“I was clenching my jaw because I didn’t want to bite you.” Without control. Without your consent. Those words don’t need to be said for you to understand what he meant.

Right after he says that though, Bai Qi can’t seem to resist turning his head to press his mouth to your wrist. He breathes in deep and parts his lips.

However, you can see the warm light in his eyes and so you aren’t nervous at all despite the press of a sharp canine against the pulse of your wrist. The warmth in his eyes deepen and you feel him smile against your skin when he sees how relaxed you are. But you jump when you suddenly feel the wet and searing touch of a tongue against your pulse.

Then the door opens.

In the next second, you’re crushed up against Bai Qi’s chest as he covers you below him and turns his head, a furious snarl ripping out from him. You also smell his scent flaring out, turning sharp and threatening like a biting storm, and burying your scent underneath his.

You peek out from underneath one of his arms to see B-2 standing at the doorway.

“Yo, welcome back to humanity.” B-2 has a smile on his face.

Bai Qi doesn’t reply and he doesn’t budge from his position above you. You’re actually glad for Bai Qi’s quick reaction though because you realize, after a glance down at yourself, just how askew your clothes are. Especially since Bai Qi pulled your collar down. You itch to adjust your clothes, but you also don’t want to draw attention to yourself by moving since the two Alphas are staring each other down.

B-2’s smile becomes strained. His instincts must be clamoring at him to stand his ground against the aggression in Bai Qi’s scent; however, he manages to tell Bai Qi calmly, “Orders are for you to head to the med bay at twenty-three hundred hours. Then you’re to report to the boss at zero, one-hundred hours. Also, I’m supposed to pass on the message that you’re not allowed to let this happen again. Get a new item.”

Bai Qi dips his head in acknowledgment, but his lips are still curled in a silent snarl. B-2 wisely leaves without saying anything more, probably so he doesn’t prolong his stay in the presence of an Alpha who just came out of a feral state.

But it’s also after B-2 leaves that you realize what he might have seen, since he was in the other room and he came this quickly after Bai Qi returned to normal. You squirm underneath Bai Qi and start to fix your clothes, feeling your cheeks heat up.

“What’s wrong?” Bai Qi looks down worriedly.

You explain the reasons for your embarrassment.

Bai Qi frowns and then promises you, “I’ll make sure he forgets whatever it is he thinks he saw. Besides, I was covering you, so most of the view from the camera and window should have been blocked.”

That gives you some relief, although it would be best if the camera footage could be erased.

But then Bai Qi’s expression becomes grave and his frown deepens, “Why are you even here though? You could have gotten hurt.” It was like B-2’s appearance made Bai Qi realize the actual situation.

It takes a second for you to react to him scolding you. In response, you scowl at him and point out how serious the situation was. He was in a feral state and nothing could calm him down! You cut Bai Qi off when he opens his mouth and tell him firmly that you trust him. Didn’t he once say he was the least likeliest to hurt you?

Bai Qi stares at you, stunned, and then he pulls you into a tight hug again, rubbing his lower jaw against the crown of your head. “Silly, least likeliest doesn’t mean there’s no chance at all. Accidents can happen. I wouldn’t know what to do with myself if I hurt you.”

There’s a mix of pleasure and helplessness in his voice, as if your words touched him but he’s still deathly worried about you. You also can’t help but notice how you’re pressed right up against his throat. It’s a vulnerable position for an Alpha to take, even Omegas have teeth after all. But this just shows how much trust he has in you to be so at ease with placing his own throat within your reach.

A tender feeling, close to sweetness, fills your chest and you relax into his hold.

Only for you to remember his injury again. You try to sit back and, after encountering the resistance of his arms, you push at his chest a little.

“Is this position uncomfortable?”

But Bai Qi seems to misunderstand your actions and, instead, turns onto his back so that you’re on top. But he keeps an arm settled around your waist to hold you against his chest.

You do your best to avoid his injury, but no matter how much you wriggle you’re still above him. Finally, you place a hand on his chest as far as you can get from the bandages, ignoring the taut muscles underneath your palm, and raise your upper body as much as you can to look sternly down at him. You remind Bai Qi about his injury again and B-2’s words about him being ordered to get a check up.

“It doesn’t hurt.” Bai Qi tries to reassure you.

You level a glare at him and express your displeasure at his carelessness with his health.

His expression softens and turns apologetic. “Sorry, you’re right. It hurts a little and I’ll be more careful.” He raises a hand and places his thumb against your forehead, rubbing at it gently like he’s trying to smooth away the lines there. “I’ll be more careful and I’ll drop by the infirmary later. So please don’t frown, I like your smiles better.”

Your determination to stare him down until he gives in starts to waver.

“I just… want to stay like this a while longer. Can’t we?”

Bai Qi looks up at you through his bangs bashfully and you find yourself giving in at the hopeful light in his eyes. You settle down gingerly on his chest, grumbling under your breath about how his puppy eyes are deadly and that it wasn’t playing fair at all. There’s a faint vibration beneath you and you can feel more than hear the laugh he’s suppressing. You growl at him and, even though there was no heat in the sound, you soon feel him comb his fingers softly through your hair, as if to make amends for his laughter.

Time passes like this and your thoughts meander through your mind slowly as the warmth that seeps into you from Bai Qi makes you drowsy. But your thoughts end up turning towards what B-2 said about Alphas in the special forces needing an item that can calm them down. You bring this up with Bai Qi and ask him if there aren’t any Omegas in the special forces that can soothe Alphas.

“Mm?” Bai Qi sounds languid and you see him shake his head a little, as if waking himself up. “No, there’s Betas and Omegas here that can calm unbonded Alphas down.”

You tilt your head in confusion and ask him why he has an item then.

You had thought there weren’t any Betas and Omegas in the special forces, which is why the Alphas needed scent-infused items and why you were brought here to Bai Qi. But if the special forces had Betas and Omegas (which makes sense, now that you think about it, since Betas are the most common and too many Alphas in one place is a disaster in the making), isn’t it just bonded Alphas that need a scent-infused item from their mate to calm them down? But you know Bai Qi isn’t bonded so…

Bai Qi tenses beneath you and reluctantly replies, “The other Betas’ and Omegas’ scents don’t work on me.”

You ask him why, frowning in thought. Is it a special condition of his?

Bai Qi looks increasingly uncomfortable and averts his eyes, but he still answers you, voice soft, “Because my instincts only acknowledge one person.”

It takes a few seconds for you to understand the meaning of his words, and when you do it feels like you’re struck by lightning.

It’s a rule of thumb that the difference between bonded Alphas and unbonded Alphas is in how bonded Alphas have instincts that revolve around and acknowledge only their mate. For an unbonded Alpha to have those same instincts… does this not mean they’re feeling all the instincts of a bonded Alpha but unreciprocated?

Then Bai Qi—

You almost don’t know how to ask this, and there’s a thread of self-doubt entangled around you, but all the signs point to this conclusion. And so, you gather up your courage, and ask Bai Qi if his instincts only acknowledge you.

Bai Qi doesn’t answer, but his arm tightens around you and he breathes in deep.

You remember how B-2 mentioned that Bai Qi’s item was a jacket with a faded scent. You ask Bai Qi why he’s never asked you for a scent-infused item, because he hasn’t and you can easily imagine that the jacket in his locker is just one of the ones that he drapes over you whenever he walks you home. Putting aside whatever your current relationship is now, you wouldn’t have hesitated to give him something, especially with how dangerous his work is without anything that can bring him out of a feral state.

“……” Bai Qi turns his head away, remaining silent to your questions.

However, his silence is an answer in and of itself.

Upset slips into your voice as you ask him if he didn’t want you to know any of this. Does he wish his instincts didn’t acknowledge you? You start to remember the rare cases you’ve heard about Alphas denying their instincts for various reasons.

“No!” He whips his head back to you, “Never.”

You ask him why he’s never talked about any of this to you then.

Bai Qi’s eyes dart across your face, searching for something. You don’t know if he found what he was looking for, but he opens his mouth to tell you, “I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable, or put pressure on you.” He presses his lips tightly together. “I didn’t want to break what we already had.”

You can understand that. It was what held you back too, after all. Alphas usually don’t hesitate to make their intentions known about courting, so the fact that Bai Qi hadn’t made a single move made you nervous. Yeah, he likes you. But does he like like you? You weren’t sure if he was just around you to enjoy the familial warmth that he lost all too early. What if you pushed for more and drove him away?

But now…

You point out that you know now though.

“But now you know,” he confirms.

You can still feel the tension that lines his body beneath yours, and his gaze is a physical weight that sweeps across your face, trying to guess your thoughts. But it’s like a curtain has been lifted with the confirmation of his feelings and, looking into his eyes, you can see the reservation and longing in them.

You smile and point out that you’re still here.

“But… you’re still here.” A similar smile spreads across his face and it transforms his normally aloof and fierce air into a softer boyish one.

You look down as your own smile widens, believing that you’re probably smiling like an idiot now. But there’s a sugar-coated bubbling feeling in your body, like you’re holding something sweet in your mouth, and it brings a flush to your cheeks. Looking down, however, just plants your face right into Bai Qi’s chest and every breath fills your lungs with his scent.

This reminds you about something and you raise your head again. Bai Qi is still staring at you, as if he hasn’t moved his gaze anywhere else this entire time, and while the smile on his lips is smaller now his eyes are a gentle brown, like he’s looking at the most precious thing in the world to him.

Your cheeks heat up at the intensity of his stare, but you forge on to ask if he wants to scent mark each other.

It’s an act that can be done between family members to reaffirm the strength of their bonds or… between lovers to confirm exclusivity and as the first step to bonding.

Amazement dawns on Bai Qi. “Really? You’re sure?”

You can’t help but laugh at the stunned tone in his voice. After you reassure him that you’re sure, he hauls you up his body and brushes his nose against yours before tilting his head and offering you the line of his throat without hesitation.

As you pick a spot to put your mark, saliva pools in your mouth but it’s unlike the normal kind. The saliva you’re about to use is released by a special gland in the mouth and it’s a thicker and more viscous liquid that will bind against someone’s skin and release your scent for weeks. Scent marks only need to be refreshed every month or so.

You decide on the crook of his neck, in the dip above his clavicle, and lean down to swipe your tongue there.

The instant your tongue touches him, an explosive hiss escapes through his clenched teeth. You immediately try to raise your head, alarmed, but he presses a hand to the back of your head and keeps you against his throat. His hand is gentle, always gentle, but you feel the hand at your waist grip your clothes in a tight fist.

You’re about to ask if he’s okay, but he beats you to speaking first.

“Keep going.” His voice is husky.

Reassured, you continue to lap at the area, spreading your scent and letting the saliva soak into his skin. There’s a sense of pleasure in the act of marking Bai Qi but you also can’t suppress the mischievous urge that makes you swipe your tongue up higher along a vein in his neck. He jolts and trembles underneath you, and heat pools in your stomach when you hear him groan.

“You…”

Bai Qi growls and the hand in your hair clenches slightly, but then he relaxes his grip immediately, as if afraid to hurt you.

When he feels you shake with laughter though, he realizes that you’re done and sits up. The arm around your waist secures you before you can tip backwards at the change in position, and now that you’re facing each other properly again you can see his exasperated affection. You smile innocently at him.

But the smile slides off your face when you see him touch the place you laved with your scent and inhale deeply. There’s a simmering heat in his eyes when he looks at you, and then he’s gathering your hair in a bundle and clearing it away from your shoulder, exposing your neck.

“May I?”

Even at this point he’s still asking for confirmation and you reassure him that he can, of course.

You tilt your head to bare your throat more to him and you hear the stutter in his breathing before he leans in and places his own scent mark on you.

And then you realize why he had such a big reaction when you licked him. Because the moment you feel his tongue glide across your neck it’s as if someone dropped you into a hot bath. Your toes curl with pleasure at the flood of warmth through your nerves and you instinctively grab onto his shoulders, needing something solid to ground you as you become boneless. Bai Qi steadies you easily in his arms, and you feel the play of his muscles beneath your hands when he adjusts his hold on you.

He bathes your neck with his tongue a couple more times before you feel him pinch your skin between his teeth. He doesn’t bite down, but instead he sucks hard and you yelp, arching your back at the prick of pain and the tingle that zigzags up your spine. Bai Qi chuckles low in the back of his throat and you realize, through a hazy mind, that he’s teasing you like you teased him.

You growl and try to dig your fingers into him in retaliation, but considering how he’s made of all muscle it feels more like you’re trying to dig your nails into a rock. Bai Qi pats your back with a hand and, releasing your neck, licks it in apology before drawing back. You reach up to rub at your neck reflexively and you find yourself pouting and flushing when your fingers brush against the damp and sore area. It’s going to become a hickey.

The color of his eyes deepen as he stares at the spot he marked. “Mine.”

You tell him, still sulking at the sore hickey, that he’s yours too.

Bai Qi agrees immediately, his voice a solemn promise. “I’ll always give you my best side. But every side of me, no matter when, belongs to you.”

He brings up a hand to cup your cheek and his thumb strokes along your cheekbone, light as a feather. Is he the one leaning in? Or are you the one leaning in? Bai Qi tilts his head a little, closing the distance even more, and his breath skims across your lips. His eyes, filled with tenderness, flick to yours for one more confirmation before he kisses you.

Those lips are warm and he tastes like home.

#love and producer #bai qi #gavin #mlqc gavin #mlqc fanfic

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