#i was very mentally ill

[stil-lindigo]

lead balloon (the tumblr post that saved me)

if this comic resonated with you, it would mean the world to me if you donated to this palestinian family's escape fund.

--

no creative notes because this isn't that kind of comic.

I know I don’t owe any of you anything but I still felt compelled to write about my long term absence. And I feel far enough away from the dangerous spot I was in to be able to make this comic. I have a therapist now, and she agreed that making this could be a very cathartic gesture, and the start of properly leaving these thoughts behind me. I am still, at seemingly random times, blindsided by fleeting desires to kill myself. They’re always passing urges, but it’s disarming, and uncomfortable. I worry sometimes that my brain’s spent so long thinking only about suicide that it’s forgotten how to think about anything else. Like, now that I've opened that door for myself, I'll never be able to fully shut it again. But I’m trying my best to encourage my mind in other directions. We'll see how that goes.

I am still donating all proceeds from my store to Palestinian causes. So far, I've donated over $15K, not including donations coming from my own pocket or the fundraising streams which jointly raised around $10K. In the time since I made my initial post about where this money would be going, the focus has shifted from aid organisations to directly donating to escape funds.

If you'd like to do the same, you can look at Operation Olive Branch, which hosts hundreds of Palestinian escape funds or donate to Safebow, which has helped facilitate the safe crossing and securing of important medical procedures for over 150 at-risk palestinians since the beginning of the genocide.

#cw: suicidal ideation #cw: suicide #cw: self harm #cw: mental health #cw: depression #i made the balloon the main representation of my self destructive urges for a reason but im not going to explain it #i tried to keep a lot of the details in this vague #it would be my worst nightmare if this comic encouraged someone to hurt themselves #so. please dont #for a long time even the thought of making this comic felt so insipid and narcissistic #with the state of the world as it is #having the only threat to your life be yourself felt so privileged and trite and shameful #but doing this comic made me sit down and process things in full #and im just. very grateful i didn't give in to my thoughts back when i sincerely felt i'd be more useful to the world dead #i also feel the need to say that this wont represent everyone's battle with mental illness. its unfortunately different for all of us #there is no fix-all #and im afraid this might be one of those comics that either resonates a lot or misses the target by a mile #i made it for myself foremost. and now that its done im glad i did it #thank you for reading #and please stay alive #stillindigo art #stillindigo comics

[abracadaze]

i feel so bad for nikola tesla like imagine spending years beefing with a guy who has conned the public into believing he's some sort of supergenius when in reality it's his overworked employees developing all of his world-changing inventions and you end up dying broke and starving and alone and then 100 years later another guy cons the public into believing he's some sort of supergenius when in reality it's his overworked employees developing all of his world-changing inventions and he's doing it all IN YOUR NAME. he must be rolling in his grave like a fucking rotisserie chicken

#when penelope scott said ''you promised you'd be tesla but you're just another edison'' she was so right. she gets it #edit: now that this is getting popular i just want to say please don't deify/martyr tesla #yes he was dealt an awful hand but he also had some very bad opinions especially towards the end of his life. like eugenics #he was clearly struggling with untreated mental illness and was also a product of his time so i'm not trying to cancel him or anything lol #but people in the notes saying ''my poor baby boy tesla did nothing wrong'' is weird. you know that's weird right. #daze.txt #100 #500 #1k #5k #10k #20k #30k #40k #50k #60k #70k #80k #90k #100k #speechless btw. about the 100k notes thing

[inkskinned]

something bad happened to you, and you died, and you came back wrong.

not wrong all the way. the little ways. you forget important dates, stopped going out with friends. it's harder to make you smile. you're apathetic towards things you used to love, afraid of places you used to go to cheer up. quieter. flinching. different.

you came back for love. you're still here for love. what pulled you back was a brightness so loud that even death couldn't outshout it. death heard the call and smiled at you and said okay. go home. somebody is waiting for you.

but you came back different. like lot's wife; you've turned into salt. you used to chirp through life in hops and skips; but now you lose skin just standing up. you have to move slower, skimming across this world without-touching-it. most things feel dull - until they're suddenly all-too-much. life, and being alive just rushes up and over you and you get hopelessly crushed.

you try to explain it to them: it is ugly, but this is what you are, now. the huge golden hoop of your halo now a little bronze ring. you are still watering your plants and wearing the same clothes. after all, you worked hard to come home. this life; so odd and off-color, now that you are wrong.

but they waited for you - it's just that they wanted the "you" that happened before this. the "you" that could sing in the show and hug people tight and look at a blade without breaking down to cry. the you with a smile in pictures. god, holyshit, it's like looking at a completely different person, isn't it. that other-you; the one they actually wanted.

you are the consolation prize. you are the body that forgot the ghost. you are the memory of the bad thing, and the death after; like you are wearing that memory as a banner. you are a fragment, an assembly. simulacrum. you don't make eye contact in mirrors, afraid the light will glance off and your true nature will flash back at you.

you hear them talk about it in their hushed, desperate whispers. sometimes they even admit it to your face; harsh and violent, acid thrown at christmas dinner. god, can you just fucking be normal again. you do not remember what normal is. you had to climb so far to get back here; you are far too exhausted. you want to open the glass door of your heart and show all the gears. can you help resolve whatever got messed up?

you try so, so hard. you came back for them. because you believed they would love you, even when you were so horribly broken. because you believed they would be patient. because you believed unconditional meant "without exception." you cannot do things the same way. you just get tired too quickly these days.

you want to put them on a couch and pour them the tea with hands that shake more than they remember. you want to line them up and draw them a map of where you have had to wander. you want to show every bruise in a backsplash; the little helpless ant of your soul carrying all that weight, over and over. you want to say: yes! it is different! but i did it for love!

you want to say: "i'm not the same, but i'm yours and i'm here. can that be enough?"

#this is very obviously about my battle with #ptsd #but i think it's also like a pretty apt metaphor for a lot of things like setting boundaries or going to therapy or choosing recovery #i was thinking about the 'comes back wrong' trope and i was like. oh no i have feelings about this bc i have mental illness #and once i stopped masking - i was WRONG. i was different #here's the good news: i am now INNUNDATED with love. fucking swimming in it. excelling at it. the people who stayed #learned my new self. my new different body and how i am different but i am trying. they have held me so tightly #and my life no longer feels quiet. it is not based in my suffering. it feels like i have been growing a tree in my chest #and now it is flowering. #it is so lovely to be surrounded by people who have said - oh! you cut off so many branches i was worried you weren't the same. but now... #... this is just a new you. and i love you. and i love that you're different and happy. #(but yeah also im nb so i was absolutely influenced by Trans things)

[dead-core]

part of knowing me is watching me self-destruct. you cannot save me, you cannot fix me, and you cannot stop me.

#actually mentally ill #actually borderline #actually bpd #ed not ed sheeran #ed not sheeren #bpd #bpd thoughts #bpd feels #bpd vent #bpd mood #this is so dramatic and like edgelord but fr! #not good at taking care of myself and self-aware about it! plus stubborn and spiteful and defiant so your concern just fuels me #sometimes i can be very 'oh you're worried? shut the fuck up and don't tell me what to do' #so that's not great

[stripeyworm]

your manic pixie dream girl and nightmare bad boy all in one I love binggeyuan sooo much. If I'm MIA, it's because I've fallen into quite the rabbit hole lately and going into hibernation!!

#my art #fan art #svsss #danmei #mxtx #binggeyuan #luo bingge x shen yuan #sorry i read so much good fic of them and it's ruined my life. #wolf boy that is a sopping wet dog x secretly very milfy otaku came for my NECK. won't lie!! #ough binghe we're in it now #been particularly mentally ill lately but this is my “nice” account so im hiding it in the tags #read nyoomerr's fics guys. pip is so good!!

[bl0w-m3]

#I swear 😳 #I swear I’m actually very chill #as long as things follow the exact plan I’ve set in my head that I ah any so out loud to anyone around me #bpd #autism #ocd #mental health #mental illness #mental health memes

[autumnalmess]

Hey man sorry I've not posted in a while, it's a funny story actually. I actually got arrested for stealing bread for my sister and her seven starving children. yeah, it was pretty bad. I tried to escape 3 times so yeah I got 19 years, yeah and then I broke my parole and now there's this slutty little man after me, yeah I think he has a crush on me or smt idk

#jean valjean #javert #bro im so sorry i fully ABANDONED that fanfiction #ive become the very thing i sought to destroy #I'll probably go back to it at some point.... #les miserables #victor hugo #les mis #les misposting #valvert #in all seriousness I'm really sorry if you were committed to the fic i know a lot of people were but im going through the incredibly #horrible palaver of completely losing interest in a hyperfixation #who knows maybe one day ill go mental and write all of the rest of it

[thesandlorde]

you should know I could never make it work

it's pretend, really // do you like the way the water tastes?

it's like gunfire

#my art #lupin iii #lupin the third #jiglup #or evil jiglup i guess #deftones came on at work and i had to get through like four things before i could draw something for this song #its one of my all-timers for sure #the limbs dont make sense and thats fine btw #i'm tired and feel very mentally ill tm today

[kitamars]

in my ponykata feels rn

#ough. ough #toshi……….save me……toshi……save me toshi……… #my son. he has 97 mental illnesses and is banned from most public spaces #i do wish we could have seen more of him……..he’s so ………….stray cat behaviour #just bushu era shinsengumi would have been very funny #just a bunch of country bumpkins #lead up to the ever popular edo workplace comedy #i should be doing homework but AUGHHHHHH #anyways it was my birthday on the 25th yahoo #doodling a bunch as a treat hehe yippee #im experimenting with my art sm i hope you guys like it #hijikata toushirou #gintama #ok bye

[obsob]

here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud!!

✷(print shop)✷

#mine #original #euheuhe hello..i hope everyone is having a good day #we are going on a bird boat thing on wednesday im very excited about it #what else.....me and my bf went on a walk on sunday and i saw damsel flies and shield bugs and a duck with 13 ducklings #i bought a jellycat sun bag which is now all i talk about #ive started reading assassins apprentice by robin hobb!!!! its so good!!!! #im so excited there are so many books in the series to read #i doubt i will like all of them but i will give them all a go #today i will stop and hve dinner n then walk the dog and then do exercise and have a bath #and then i will. play zelda #and then tomorrow i will do shop stuff and also help my mum buy a bench apparently #i need to buy snacks also. i hve a snack stash in my rooom bc of mental illness purposes and i am low.....need snacks #maybe i will do that tomorrow. brain schedule is full up for today sorry #also. unrelated. i have my period???? again????? ive already had it this month hello i dont need another im good im all done #my hormones r going ??OAGHGHGHUH #also i want like . cute bra. but like not a bra like just cloth thats like. tit shaped. a bralet? is that what that is? no idea #anyway. hve nice evening. or else. #i have a headache #OH ALSO. i need to legally chnage my name SKFSABJSBK #put that on th todo list #i cant rmemeber how 2 do it i think it was very straight forward n cost like. £10 or smth

[kalichi09]

part 2 of this

#i am very mentally ill about them #fionna and cake #reverse au #simon petrikov #betty grof #simon and betty #adventure time #fanart #i love them sm #doodle #illustration #my art #art

[oakbuggy]

a little p2 to this post !

full thing on ao3 as always hehe

#smut #neteflora #neteyam sully #doodle #fanart #winx club flora #neteyam x flora #avatar way of water #avatar 2 #mental illness? #obviously #avatar the way of water #also if anyone is tagging me #im v sorry #i acc fr do not see it!! i always seem to find stuff on my for u page #and i see my name in the tag list and I'm like !!! what!!! #WHAT!!! #everyone's wonderful work this december #i hope to get back to yall very soon! #ive just got some health issues and will be recuperating next week #i hope everyone has much fun tho!! #maybe will post liar liar soon #idk #havent been able to draw for it so we shall see!

[inkskinned]

for a second, you did the bad thing and bargained about it.

if it meant that you would never be numb like this again, what would you give up?

maybe it's the childhood stuff or the religious trauma or how your dad doesn't believe in medication, but this is how you are, right. you need to have a counterbalance. suffering has to have its own reward. there needs to be a point to it. and if you're happy - if you could just be happy, and the world could actually fill in enough space that the edges of your spirit actually meet the horizon of your body - you would need to pay for it.

your passions? that one seems fair, but how could you actually be happy without them. well, you'd never be numb again, so maybe you'd be able to find joy in the small things like you used to. gleeful, you'd make coffee and breakfast into an artform. you'd find a way to make it make sense, somehow. you'd move on. it'd be different, but it would be doable.

your lover? your friends? this would be hard. you owe so much to your community. still, you could maybe make yourself a small home in the woods. you could live a quiet life, one devoid of friendship - but also without this horrible grey mist. a life like bigfoot, then. you'd figure out how to make the most of it.

your hair. your teeth. all of it.

sometimes you are jealous of mental illness as it appears in media: a big stroke of a meltdown, a firestorm that resolves prettily in therapy. it is flashing lights and thin teenagers. you've absolutely had breakdowns that stole the show - but life after resolved into a pixel art of things you managed to piece together afterwards, not a tapestry of a heart made suddenly-beautiful. that people could pick up blades as if they weigh nothing, that the way it all appears is as a cry for help, not a slow backsliding.

you have to stop the thought: i'd give up everything.

but also - be real. you'd never give up your dog. nor your best friend. nor the way you feel walking while through deep fog. you'd never give up the last bonfire of summer, the reckless laughter of halloween. so you do still love things.

maybe that's the problem: you know it should be easier. you have everything you could possibly want. so how come you are still trapped? still yearning?

#writeblr #warm up #dlkfjsldkjf #ive been dealin w/some pretty bad [ mental illness ] for about a year now. like the kind i got at 19 #and ..................... i have everything i want. #i wish it was easier for both of us #it is easier in a lot of ways. i am glad i stayed. but ya lol i am so tired in the Very Bad No Good way

[nymphacae]

happy b4 day to all who celebrate

#this is very old i made this like.....carry the one.....one?? two years ago??? #still cant draw but i still love them and you should too #my art #infinity train #infinity train fanart #rymin #ryan akagi #min-gi park #dont let your mental illness stop you from posting terrible content online

[caeslxys]

inhales. imogen is such an amalgamation of so many different cr villains thematically and in her motivations that the most profound difference between them is very simply that she wants and therefore chooses to be good and kind at every turn.

she is delilah's love and ludinus' wrath and lucien's increasingly blind desire for power and liliana's fear and otohan's purpose and she is none of those things at all. THE most character of all time. exhales

#posting this here too. for posterity #critical role #imogen temult #she is so. SO. #I WISH I HAD THE MOTIVATION TO SIT DOWN AND FINISH HALF OF THE WIPS I HAVE ABOUT HER. ALAS. I AM MENTALLY ILL. MUCH LIKE SHE #thoughts #holds laudna and imogen in my arms. you ever put every ounce of love you can't hold for yourself into another person. cool sick tight #I'm normal. so are they. inarguably so #this is an imogen post and here I am including laudna in the tags. how predictable. how very imogen of me

[imgae-insertshockedgasps-16]

"why don't you have a job?"

i can't find one that will hire/accommodate me or that i qualify for, bc i'm disabled.

"be a cashier!"

requires long hours of standing, which i can't do, or has a physical requirement of being able to lift 40+ lbs from the floor to above shoulder level, which i also can't do. some companies go so far as to expressly state that reading body language is required for this position, which i am very bad at.

"well you could buss tables!"

long hours of standing, a lot of walking, bending, lifting, carrying, all of which i am not capable of doing for extended periods of time.

"just work from home!"

doing what? it hurts to type, i have a hell of a time trying to figure out new software, no one in any work from home job i've ever done has communicated adequately which always results in me being in trouble, sitting for too long is painful.

"walk dogs or smth!"

again: can't do long walks. also, can't be reliable bc of flare ups and such (which applies to all of these, really).

"start your own business!"

with what money? with what product? art? can't consistently do it. music? not that either. sewing crocheting scrapbooking writing? nope nope nope nope. plus, i struggle so hard w/execution dysfunction that one of three things would happen: 1) i would make and create and package and send and nothing else ever. or 2) i would do unrelated stuff that needs to be done and never create or package or ship. or finally 3) i would never do anything ever bc brain refuses to cooperate and all the tasks are overwhelming.

"idk, be a crossing gaurd or smth!"

see previous statements.

"collect shopping carts!"

see previous statements.

"post office!"

see previous statements.

"electrician, plumber, hvac!"

see previous statements.

#it's not that I don't *want* to work #it's that i have a very hard time finding jobs that i am qualified for/will accommadate me #i. am. disabled. #it. is. disabling. #disability #chronic illness #chronic pain #disabled #chronically ill #physically disabled #actually disabled #spoonie #mentally disabled