#i'm just bad at getting myself to make text posts so i haven't shared much about the au apart from the few drawings </3 | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

elshells · 1 year

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Writeblr Positivity Tag

Tagged by @mariahwritesstuff and @writernopal for this amazing tag! Their posts are here and here.

I'm going to leave this as an open tag because I'm very behind on these and want to avoid spamming people with tags. XD

Blank list of questions below the cut for convenient copy/pasting!

1. What motivates you to write?

I love telling stories! There's something so exhilarating and heartwarming about sharing my ideas with others and seeing how much they enjoy them. Plus, it isn't until I write something down that it feels real. When it's all thoughts in my head, it's like I'm keeping a secret, but once I start writing, I'm putting myself out there!

2. A line/short snippet of your writing that you are most proud/happy of. If not maybe share a line of someone else's work you love (just please credit them)

Ooh, it's actually so hard to choose a favorite (which I guess isn't a bad problem to have)! But here's a snippet I really like from chapter 9 of Agent Ace:

They were several stories in the air. Cars drove below as tiny specks on the street, contrasted by the towering buildings surrounding them on all sides. The sky was a burnt orange, casting light down on the city and setting the glass windows ablaze. Holding her breath, Sophia crawled out further, grabbing the edge of the window to pull herself out onto the tiny ledge suspended above the ground. She stood up tall and lifted her head to the sky as the sunlight warmed her skin, washing away the feeling of a cold, dingy cell. A heavy wind buffeted her face, tossing her ponytail behind her and causing her eyes to water. But she loved it. Being up this high, seeing the city sprawled out beneath her, gave her strength. She was graceful and weightless, like if she tried to jump, she'd fly. For the first time in a long time, she felt like Ace again.

3. Which OC makes you smile every time you think/talk about them and what are they like?

Aww, I love them all so much for different reasons! But if I have to choose one, I think Jade is the one who truly makes me feel good. She's the kind of person I want to be (and am afraid will never be), and while I prefer to avoid writing characters based on real people I know, she still reminds me of a lot of my best friends, so it's just so hard for me not to love her!

4. What process of writing do you enjoy the most?

I love getting lost in the story as I'm writing it. Whether it's a fight scene or a romantic scene or just a simple conversation between two characters, I love when I get pulled into the scene and I can visualize everything, from the emotions to all five of the senses.

5. What part of writing do you think you are the best at? (Yes stroke your own ego it's okay)

Imagery! I'm a very visual person, so I tend to describe settings, characters, etc. in a lot of detail. It's something that I unfortunately hold back on sometimes because I'm afraid of getting carried away. I also love writing dialogue, which is weird because that was my bane when I first started writing. But over time, it's started to come more naturally, and I've figured out how to craft different voices.

6. What is something in the writeblr community is most enjoyable?

The interactions! I haven't been on Tumblr that long, but I feel like I've already made some great connections through asks and tag games. Everyone is so genuine and supportive, we make each other and our works feel seen!

7. A writing tool/device you use that helps you with writing? (It could be speech to text, a writing program etc)

I write all of my stories in Google Docs (Garamond, my love!), and before I post a new chapter, I like to run it through Hemingway editor. It helps you know if you overuse adverbs (which I do haha) and how many sentences are written in the passive voice. It's a nice final step to polish the writing before I set the chapter loose into the world

8. A piece of worldbuilding that you like in your own story? (It could be the magic system, a particular place in the story, a law etc)

I adore the city of Harmont in Agent Ace. When I first started writing the story, I used a real city as the setting, but as dove deeper into the realm of sci-fi and I started establishing the Watch and the Guard, I decided that a fictional city gave me more freedom, and allowed me to explore a world that was still similar to ours, with some extra details that made it so much more interesting. Of course, Harmont is still heavily influenced by my own surroundings, but the written lore runs deep, and to date, it's the second most ambitious setting I've ever created (the first is still in development)!

9. What piece of advice would you say to encourage others to write if they are having a rough patch?

I'll preface this by saying that I'm far from qualified to give writing advice to anyone (even to myself), but I think the best thing you can do is to go easy on yourself. Even if you don't make a certain word count or even if you don't write at all, there are so many real-life factors that make it hard to write. Short attention spans, mental illness, exhaustion from work, self-doubt—I could go on. But there's no point in beating yourself up. If you can't summon even one word onto the page, walk away and let your mind wander. Listen to music, watch a funny video, stare off into space, anything as long as you're distracted. Then come back to your story. Even if you're not ready to go back to the computer, think about the scene you want to write. Visualize it if you can, or just imagine what you want to happen step by step. Once you figure out each beat you want to hit, you can go from there.

10. Tag some people whose works you love/have been your biggest supporters

@bitchin-beskar is the one who convinced me to join Tumblr! She's the most supportive force in my life, and I love her to death!! If you're into Star Wars, Marvel, and Call of Duty, she's written some amazing fanfic (and some smut!) and I would highly recommend checking her out.

Also a massive thank you to @writernopal, @sam-glade and @captain-kraken! You all have given me, my characters and my stories so much love, support, and hype since I wound up here, through your wonderful asks and tag games, and I'm so grateful to have you in my bubble! Each of you are fantastic writers and I can't wait to get lost in the worlds you create!! 💕

1. What motivates you to write?

2. A line/short snippet of your writing that you are most proud/happy of. If not maybe share a line of someone else's work you love (just please credit them)

3. Which OC makes you smile every time you think/talk about them and what are they like?

4. What process of writing do you enjoy the most?

5. What part of writing do you think you are the best at? (Yes stroke your own ego it's okay)

6. What is something in the writeblr community is most enjoyable?

7. A writing tool/device you use that helps you with writing? (It could be speech to text, a writing program etc)

8. A piece of worldbuilding that you like in your own story? (It could be the magic system, a particular place in the story, a law etc)

9. What piece of advice would you say to encourage others to write if they are having a rough patch?

10. Tag some people whose works you love/have been your biggest supporters

#tag game #writeblr tag games #writeblr positivity tag game #writeblr #wip: agent ace

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renemesis · 11 months

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this is me provoking you to share your thoughts & feelings on media :3c

WAAAAAAAH JUMPS AROUND OK OK UMMM. Well I just mentioned liking Bethy Esda games + I'm currently replaying fo3 SO I'll talk about fallout ^u^ putting a read more bc umm. Teehee

I personally have the most gameplay experience and lore knowledge with FNV, though I have played FO4 to death and FO3 was my first fallout game so no matter how much I ragged on both those games they're still both very precious to me. I haven't ever played 1/2 myself but I DO admire the works and their storytelling + world building, they were considered revolutionary to the gaming world for a reason! FO76... much like TESO I will not be touching on it. Just thinking about it gives me a headache. BUT ANYWAYSSS Fallout is such a beautiful franchise to me even with all of it's shortcomings its influence on the post-apocalyptic genre has been astounding and the way people of all ages and backgrounds can find ways to enjoy the series is so beautiful to me.

FO4- and FO3 to a slightly lesser extent- is a mess lore and storytelling wise. It's an FPS first and foremost, and I wouldn't even consider it an RPG in the same way 1/2/NV are since it just barely fits the technical definitions of one. You could say FO3 gets a pass of sorts since it's the franchise's jump from 2D text-heavy strategy to 3D FPS gameplay, but with how FNV reused so much of FO3's mechanics/design and managed to still give such an impactful story and game, it makes the letdown of FO4 sting even more. The player character is forced to be bland and cookie-cutter whether you decide to be good or evil, the decisions you make have virtually no depth or importance to them and the characters you meet (with a handful of exceptions) are just as bland and unimpactful. But! The game is an FPS first! And it's a good one! It's a game with a fighting/scavenging/building loop that does keep the players interested, and exploring the world is incredibly interesting! Which, unfortunately, does make you wish that they had put the same amount of love into the characters, factions, quests, etc.

FNV shines so brightly because, in spite of its now outdated graphics and somewhat campy execution, it shows the obvious work and love that went into not just how the world was built but the large range of people you can meet within said world! FO3 is definitely lackluster by today's standards, but it was revolutionary in it's own way as it represented the start of a new era for the series! And FNV, despite being officially considered a spinoff, piggybacked off of that near-perfectly and set a new standard for gaming! And then FO4.

I have alot of feelings about the lore that I keep bringing up but. My God this post is so long now ummm. Anyways as much as I criticize and insult the games I love all of them and find enjoyment in playing them and if YOU enjoy a game that people consider janky or poorly made or Bad then that's ok and I love you. If you made it this far well umm KISSES!!! MWAH MWAH MWAH MWAH!!!♡♡♡♡

#ask #anonymous #wow ermm. did not mean to type that much. oh well! hehe #thanks for this ask btw I really do enjoy talking abt things I'm just. A little timid critter hehe

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kadoodles-on-ao3 · 1 year

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It's been a while since my last aside so I felt like sharing what I've been working on in my free time! I promise I'm not lazy, I'm just busy and also really like starting new projects halfway through working on 8 other projects for some reason haha

Speaking of starting something new when I haven't finished something I started previously, Minh and I were planning on making a collab Shulkelia one shot for Valentine's Day! Obviously that didn't pan out haha but it's still being worked on and it's extremely cute and fun :) Hopefully it will be ready to post sooner than later! And I also will hopefully be able to work on Constellations soon as well!! (Seriously I feel. SO. bad about my hiatus, especially since I know how many interesting and fun rough-draft ideas we brainstormed up for it that are just waiting to be finalized and shared with the world!!)

Another thing I wanted to do for Valentine's Day but extremely missed the boat on was mass dumping the few good NSFW Shulkelia pieces on here (with a planned warning ahead of time as well as copious tagging and hiding under readmores, of course!), including a full translation of a doujin! However, it being a nearly 20-page comic with dialogue and onomatopoeia all over the place meant I couldn't go the normal route of putting the translation below the art, it would just be way too messy and confusing. So, I decided to open up Photopea and replace the Japanese text with my translation! I felt bad about editing someone else's work (still do haha) but there was just no other way to do it, there is. SO so much onomatopoeia in there that it would be a nightmare to do it any other way. But that fact also contributed to why I still have yet to finish the translation: I got wayyy too ambitious in my typical perfectionist way, and decided to use the clone tool to edit out the hiragana and katakana handwriting for the onomatopoeia and place English text in their places, rather than just put it in small, parenthetical text next to the original writing like manga translations typically do. And oh my GOD I should never have done that there are literal HUNDREDS of characters I had to painstakingly edit out and I'm STILL not even done yet no no no... But I'm so close to finishing it!! I have only a couple pages left and then it's good to go!! Expect to see it along with the other NSFW art of them (again, with multiple warnings far ahead of time plus careful tagging to make sure you won't see it if you don't want to!!) in the near future!

Not XC related at all, but my most recent project has been making an Ao3 site skin (and, in the process, learning how CSS works) and it's been really satisfying! It's nothing super fancy, but it does create a noticeable improvement from the default (in terms of clarity/organization/readability, no offense intended at all of course!) and I'm very pleased with it so far! Once it's done I'll share it here, complete with notes on what each piece is doing to the layout and how, so anyone can use it and tweak it how they like! :)

I unfortunately haven't made any more progress on Xenoblade 3, sorry to say. And actually... it's partially because I'm worried that I'll end up liking Noah so much that I'll get even more distracted from writing Shulkelia or Xenoblade 1 in general haha... Like I'd never give up on that of course, 1 and its characters will always have a special place in my heart! But I can see myself getting swept away by The New Guy TM, much like I do with new project ideas popping into my head...

My FFXIV x Xenoblade 1 crossover has made some good progress! I've now finalized the outfits for over half of the characters I plan on making, after hours and hours of trying different chestpieces and dyes to get them as close to their canon outfits as possible! In fact, maybe I could share a little more about what exactly I'm doing, to show how I was having too much fun and made it a bigger thing than it had to be, to help explain why it's taking so long haha:

So originally the idea started out as "what FFXIV job best suits the playstyle/archetype of each of XC's playable characters?" (and I have a whole host of notes in my head about why that is from both a gameplay/kit perspective and a fandom-y General Vibes/Aesthetic perspective, which I will for sure post along with the pics). And if I could draw well, it probably would've ended there: I'd just have made some art of the cast posing with their weapons and call it done. But since 1) I can't draw the things I see in my head like I want to and 2) I like to over-complicate things for fun, I decided to pile onto this idea by not only adding more characters of (XC SPOILERS!!!) Alvis, Egil, Meyneth, and Zanza to the roster (including in terms of what jobs suit them each and why!) but also recreate everyone in-game! (I really wanted to do Dickson as well, but unfortunately there are absolutely zero mustache options that look like his :< There's only one that's even remotely similar, but the face is completely wrong for him (what facial features look like are tied to faces, for some reason; the Mustache Facial Feature creates a different type of mustache depending on which Face option you pick) so there's no way to make a character that looks sufficiently like him, at least to my standards. Maybe one day they'll add one that fits...? If they do I will for sure make Gunbreaker Dickson a reality!) This resulted in me needing to not only sit down for hours in XIV's character creator ensuring every detail was as close a match to their designs as possible, but also opening up 8000 tabs in Eorzea Collection and looking through every. single. last. glamour option. in the game for each. and. every. slot. for each. and. every. character. to find out how closely I could translate their weird (affectionate) XC clothes into weird (affectionate) FF clothes. Combine that with my stubbornness in wanting them to look as accurate as possible resulting in making two different outfits per character based on whether or not they can equip/glam the gear as the job that suits them most, (plus the fact that I'm doing [again, SPOILERS!!!] Mecha-Fiora in addition to Homs!Fiora as well as having three [three!] different job options for Shulk based on varying levels of both XC and XIV spoilers to avoid ruining twists for either game), and the fact that I went a step further and decided to also make alternate-race versions for the main party (that sounds... bad lmao. fantasy races, like elves and catboys and such) like half if-these-characters-were-instead-created-by-the-XIV-designers-in-an-alternate-timeline-what-race-would-they-probably-make-them-judged-by-me-like-their-jobs-on-both-lore-and-Vibes-TM and half if-the-XC-gang-existed-irl-and-played-XIV-what-would-they-make-their-characters-look-like, and reminder that each of these versions have two different outfit variants and each outfit needs a minimum of 4 and a maximum of 7 separate pieces each that also need to be dyed and have multiple different options to try on for every character and... it took a teeeeny bit longer than I was expecting to get through haha. But that's not at all to say it's a chore to get through; it's certainly been a process yes, but I've been having a lot of fun the whole time :) Finally getting every element just right, from all the details in character creation down to their eyebrow shape to finding the best option for every armor slot dyed just the right color, seeing it all come together and actually look quite a bit like the character is so satisfying! I can't wait to share them all, I hope someone out there enjoys the results as much as I did creating them! :) Oh, and I also will be making a glam list for each outfit as well as sharing my notes on what I picked in the character creator, so if you want to do an in-game/WoL cosplay as someone or maybe even make an alt named after one based on my recreation of them then it'll be easy for you! :)

Even though I haven't been keeping up with my fanfic writing as much lately, I do still get little ideas for things quite often and am typing them down in my doc for later! I have a gigantic backlog of things I could write: fanfics long and short, Shulkelia fics and Genfics, non-fanfic concepts both XC-related and not... rest assured, even if I'm not posting on here or Ao3 my mind is always buzzing with something and I'm always wanting to create more!

#aside #xenoblade spoilers #xenoblade chronicles spoilers #oh also don't forget about my voice line project!! that will be coming in june!! :)#is there anything i forgot...? uhh i want to do a melia and/or shulk cosplay someday #my bf has a monado prop and everything haha #i like making my own cosplays as close to from-scratch as possible #but i'm not great at sewing plus the xc outfits are outrageously detailed so idk if that'll pan out haha #oh and speaking of xc and my bf having stuff from it #i managed to snag an unopened(!!!) limited edition xc 1 that came with a special red classic controller!!!!! the european exclusive!!!!#i got it for him for his bday but i mean i paid for it and i live with him so it's sort of mine as well haha #it's very surreal to actually have and see it esp since it's near-mint condition...#thank you to whoever kept it all these years and was willing to sell it and ship it overseas!!#we will take extremely good care of it forever!!

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fangirl-everythang · 3 years

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Mirrors C.T.H

Summary: Calum and Y/n's schedules haven't lined up in a while. When they finally do, Calum decides to try a reflective persuasion if you will.

Warnings: Daddy Kink, Swearing, Spit, Slapping( well maybe one), Just lots of smut.

Word Count: 2691

A/N: This was inspired by @ContentCalum on Instagram. 10/10 recommend for short blurbs. (ALSO posted on Wattpad)

Can't wait to see you, princess, xxx.

That was the last text I got from Calum after he told me he was coming home. Today was my day off so I spent the day doing some housework. The four of them really do a number when they're together. Recently our schedules haven't been matching and I rarely see him. Just brief periods between my early work schedule and his unpredictable night/ whenever the fuck Michael wakes up studio times haven't left us much time together.

While that's in the oven I can shower. Deciding against pajamas I just grab one of Calums shirts because it smells just like him. Usually, I wouldn't wear a bra but a bralette won't hurt. With the hot steam rolling down the sides of the shower, I let the water hit my sore muscles. Work has been overly stressful. Between this new launch and creating a new marketing scheme, you would think we were planning the Met Gala. Putting those thoughts work thoughts aside, lathering and scrubbing every area of my body that has seen this house today. Afterward gotta lotion up because ashyness is not an option, sliding on the matching lace panties and Calums shirt that comes down to my mid-thigh.

Going back downstairs to turn the oven off I get started on the sides. Cauliflower mac and cheese isn't as bad as it seems, hopefully. "Duke do you think your daddy will notice?" He looks at me with those cute eyes, not a care in the world, guess not. The sound of the door opening has Duke happily barking and running away from me. Following not too far behind our fury son I see Calum kneel next to Duke.

"Hey Bud, did you miss me?" he asks playfully petting the sweet creature. He cuddles into Calum further when he looks up at me, "Hi princess."

"You know I think it's unfair when you ask Duke does he miss you when I'm standing right here." I grin. He stands up grabbing my waist "Well I know you missed me love." he smiles.

"Did I? You're kind of annoying." He gasps playfully holding his heart. Leaning my head back I reach up to kiss him. He takes his time bringing his lips to mine so I put my hands on his cheek and bring him closer. His soft lips against mine send me into a frenzy. God, I've missed him like crazy. Parting all too soon he leans his forehead on mine. "I love you." he rasps.

"I love you too bub." I grin going back into the kitchen. "Did you want to eat first or?" I ask looking at him questioningly.

"It's 4 pm Y/n." he chuckles. Well, we can eat later then, he concludes.

"Well, it's our first time together in forever, what now?" He has a smirk on his face and reaches for my wrist. "What is it Cal?" he walks away and up the stairs leaving me to follow him. I should turn the oven off. Glancing over to Duke he's in his little bed laying down. Being so cute I had to take a picture...or three. Taking my time up the stairs to admire the pictures of the cute doggo, "Cal look at these pictures of Du-What are you doing?" He continues to play with the reflective furniture.

"Do you know how good you look in the mirror? I couldn't stop thinking about all the dirty pictures you sent me," He stares at me through the mirror. "You're lucky I wasn't here babygirl." My cheeks flush as he pushes me closer to see our reflections dancing in the mirror with a tight hold on my hips.

"You're my distraction," he whispers as he slowly begins sucking underneath my ear, leaving kisses down my neck. My heart rate increases as his tongue touches a sensitive spot, shivers running down my spine. "As much as I want to tell you how beautiful you are, well you've been a bad girl hmm?" His hand lightly trails across my neck, his eye contact never leaving as he snakes his other hand towards my front over my clothed womanhood. "Answer me." His grip becoming more firm on my neck.

"Yes daddy." he hums in approval as he lifts his shirt above his head exposing his tan torso. "Look at how sexy you are baby." but he didn't seem satisfied when my eyes stay glued to the ground. He could have any girl he wanted and yet he chose me. I'm not skinny whatsoever. I have more tits than ass and rolls for days. The stretchmarks that litter my body don't bother me but most aspects of everything else does. His hand reaches for my hair in a tight fist forcing me to look up at our reflection, my core aching at the sudden pull. "I'm speaking to you." he says very sternly, "I guess I'll just have to make you listen."

Stripping himself of his pants and sitting on the edge of the bed right in front of the mirror he opens his legs and pats me over. "Sit." I obey him, anticipation building in my core. His hands roam my body freely lingering wherever they please. He begins attacking my neck slowly dragging his finger across my thigh "Look at you, acting like a good girl hmm?" he moves the cotton fabric up to my waist giving him a view of my panties from the mirror "'gonna be good for daddy?"

I nod silently, he shakes his head in a disapproving manner. "Use your words Love."

"I'll be good for you daddy." he hums in approval, spreading my legs apart. He traces his finger along the outskirts of my panties, my hips thrusting lightly "excited now are we?" he smirks looking at the wet spot through the mirror. Calum slides the thin material to the side, lightly grazing my clit. My eyes momentarily closing at the brief touch before his other calloused hand reaches up, grabbing my jaw, forcing me to to look up. "You're going to watch as I tease your cunt. You're going to cum on my fingers, then you'll watch as I devour your pussy. Close your eyes even once and I'll force another out of you. Got it?" He has a fire blazing behind his golden-brown orbs.

"Yes sir." nodding along as his fingers begin tapping on my clit. "Good girl," he whispers before dipping his middle finger into my sex, the digit easily slipping in. "Nuh that way." he reminds me once more to look up into the mirror. The glass allowing me to see everything at once, the way he looks at me hungrily, his slender finger shining with my arousal. I can see his other hand going to reach for my breast before I feel it, the mere fact causing a moan to leave my lips.

"Awwwe you like watching yourself being played with huh?" he maintains eye contact with me through the mirror, as he adds another finger into my throbbing hole. His length pressing into my back, hardening with every sound from my mouth. "Rub your clit y/n."

My hand following his orders adding more sensation to my building orgasm. The scene before me so pleasingly intimate and erotic. "Cal I'm goin-" My back arching into him as my orgasm takes complete control of my body, his eyes on me every step of the way.

He brings his fingers to my lips, allowing me to taste myself, whimpering himself when I take his fingers into my mouth, sucking them as if they were his member. I release them, clean, turning to face him. "I thought I told you-" I lean forward straddling his waist, kissing him roughly. "I know but I want to please you too Cal." Before he can respond I gently slip off the bed, face to groin. I pull down his boxers just enough to release his straining cock, gently stroking it in my palm. "Let me take care of you," I smile at him, pressing a kiss to the side of his shaft "Please daddy." He groans, swiping his thumb over my lip and nodding. We've been apart far too long, aching to taste him once more.

I lick his shaft, tasting his pre-cum on my tongue, he lets out a sigh of relief, embedding his hand through my hair. "Mhmmm just like that princess." He moans as I take most of him in my mouth, cupping his balls and pressing my forefinger lightly on the skin between the two. The feeling of him in my mouth forces my mind to wonder about him being inside of me, stretching me in the best of ways, a moan finds its way out from my throat around Calum causing his hips to thrust more. I clench my thighs together to provide some friction for my thoughts, I reach my hand between my legs relieving myself from all the arousal. "Get up." he demands, seeming almost angry. Not wanting to question him I rise confused by the sudden change of tone, knowing better than to say anything.

He removes any fabric left covering my body aggressively, not saying a word. Pushing me back till my knees cave against the bed causing me to fall back onto our shared mattress. He places himself between my legs, rubbing his length along my core painfully slow. "Please, I need you Cal." He continues gazing at me through his lust filled orbs, desire seeping from his pores. He pushes his tip in and then taking it out, the feeling gone as soon as it had appeared. A whine erupted from my lips, he chuckled to himself. "Remind me again y/n," he states in a hushed tone, "Are you to touch yourself without my permission?" He looks at me, his finger dancing over my sensitive nub but neglecting it furthermore. Accepting my silence for an answer, "And yet you did." His head dips down encapsulating my nipple in his mouth, a breathy moan leaving my lips as his hands roam my body freely. My hips thrusting trying to create some- any friction. "Cal I won't do it ever again, just please- please fuck me daddy. " A stinging on my cheek causing a gasp to leave my lips, surprised by this side of Calum. Still shocked, he places his hand firmly on my cheek pushing my face into the mattress. The only thing in view is the mirror with his gorgeously tanned tattooed body on top of mine, hand still placed on my face. He leans in dangerously close, moving a strand of hair aside slowly, his fingertip leaving the slightest touch before putting his hand back with the same pressure as before, "Now watch sweetheart." he darkly whispers.

Before I could question it his entire length thrust in me at once, a broken moan escaping me. With the side view, I can see him pounding into me, each thrust harder than the last. "Fuck- so wet hmmm, such a good whore." he moans, I nod under his hand clenching walls around him, tilting my pelvis to meet his. He removes his hand from my face to apply pressure to my clit, hitting a particularly blissful combination. "Fuck Cal right there!" I scream as the bedrocks underneath our sweaty bodies. He slows his movements savoring the view before him, his good girl-now fucking onto him, desperate for release. Her hair frizzy, eyes fluttering from excessive pleasure, he never wanted it to end. "I love you y/n."

"I love you too Calum." I reach up grabbing his neck to pull him back to me, our lips meeting once more passionately while he thrust into me again. He presses my body closer to his as my legs wrap around him for dear life, my hands holding onto his as if he'd disappear. "Can I cum please?" He grunts, nodding his head in approval of my very much needed release. Unable to focus on anything but the eruption of pleasure from my core, repeating a slur of Calums name over and over again like it is the only thing I've ever known. His release following shortly after, the warmth of his seed filling me. His panting is my focal point upon return, watching as each breath falls from his swollen plump lips. I giggle moving some of his sweat-coated hair from his face, "Welcome home Mr.Hood." He smiles laughing at my gesture, "Quite the welcome it is Miss Y/L/N" He pulls my face forward once more placing a soft kiss to my lips, which is happily returned before he pulls me to the edge of the bed, still seemingly connected, placing me dead center in front of the mirror once more. Looking at him with a curious glance, he notions to the mirror as I watch his every move. He pulls his softening member from my core, a gasp leaving my lips due to the newfound vacancy.

His eyes never leaving mine as the smirk on his face grows, kneeling between my thighs. I lean up on my forearms to see both him and the reflection better, the handsome bassist looping his arms around my legs, keeping me in place. "Look how pretty baby." He says watching our fluids drip out of me, his tone of admiration never wavering. My hips jut back as he strokes over my clit, still hyper-sensitive from the orgasm just moments before. As I retract my pussy away from his devilish grin he rumbles a low growl, attaching his lips to my center, his wide hands gripping my hips with brisk strength-leaving prints in their path. His tongue lapping my hole over and over again. He replaces his mouth with his fingers, the scissoring motion driving me on edge once more. He leans over me, tapping on my lips to which I comply with his wishes, opening my mouth. He smiles before releasing the cum-mixed spit down my throat, swallowing our combined fluids moaning as he returns his mouth to my pussy. My wetness glistening all over his face as he continues to but himself in me. Seeing his back muscles contract in the mirror each time he moves, watching him devour me in the most sinful of ways. I can see it all, moans leaving my lips between my pleas for him to stop his assault but nonetheless, he persists until my legs are a quivering mess around his head. My bare breast rising with every sharp inhale, my back arching further into him, hoping to get away but he keeps me planted there in front of him.

"I need to- Cal can I-I- fuck please" The words barely able to leave my lips, he stares at me nodding but never removing himself from my core. My orgasm ripples through me, forcing my body to compromise, stiffening as I release on Calum's tongue. My hips riding his tongue exactly where I need him as my fingers grip at his hair, hearing him moan at the feeling sending an aftershock of vibrations through my center. An unholy slurping noise from Calum is the last thing to be heard as he joins me again on the bed, pulling me into him. His lips providing every emotion needed. "I missed you."

I laugh at his cute post-sex neediness, "I missed you too Cal." He pats my head, letting his hands rake through the mess of hair on top of my head as I trace over his feather tattoo. "Did I ever tell you how good you taste?" he murmurs, shrugging lightly to himself, "Fucking delicious." His hands lingering the curves of my body before he places two fingers on my clit. "No, no, no not again." I chuckle pushing him away as my body shudders from the sensation.

"Hmmm I suppose we'll have more time today." he rasps. "Indeed we will." I smile placing a kiss on his cheek. Let's just say the night was more than eventful, happy to be in each other presence again.

A/N:

WOW long time no see! I can't wait to get back into the flow of writing and now that the semester is over I have more time lol.

I hope you're all hanging in there alright!

xoxo-Janelle

#5sos smut #5sos x reader #calum 5sos #calum hood smut #calum x reader #calum hood #calum imagine #Blurb #Smut #cth #5 seconds of smut #5 seconds of summer #luke hemmings #ashton irwin #michael clifford #reader insert #y/n #x reader #fanfic

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nashibirne · 3 years

Text

Gimme Shelter - 7

Here it is, the last chapter of Gimme Shelter. It took me a while to write it, I kinda had a hard time to let Kat and Henry go... I'm going to miss them. I hope you like the ending I chose for these two. If so, please let me know by leaving a comment, reblog or like. Feedback is much appreciated. 💜

Pairing: Henry Cavill x OFC (Kat Spencer)

Words: ~ 4.5 k

Summary: Henry has to deal with a personal crisis and he finds shelter with his old rugby mate Sam and his sister Kat. She used to be Henry’s best friend a very long time ago. Will they be able to become friends again or maybe even more? Chapter 7: An important conversation, a celebration and lots of love.

You can find the previous chapters and my other fics on my masterlist!

Warnings: RPF, mention of mental health issues, smut, sex (p in v), vanilla, unprotected sex, nsfw, 18+, fluff

UNBETA'ED! English is not my mother tongue, so expect bad grammar, wrong spelling, chaotic punctuation and clumsy language. All mistakes are mine…

I got a little help with a certain paragraph, thank you so much @sillyrabbit81 for your advice and your support. Love ya 💕

Credits: Pics for the moodboard from Pinterest. Face claims: Kat = Jennifer Connelly

Disclaimer: I don’t know the real Henry Cavill or anyone who's related to him in any way, this is pure fiction and a lot of wishful thinking.

Tag list (let me know if you want to be added or removed)

@lunedelorient @inlovewithhisblueeyes @willkatfanfromasia @hell1129-blog @mis-lil-red @agniavateira @kebabgirl67 @omgkatinka @legendarywizarddetective @summersong69 @taebfada @xxxkatxo @artandotherdelights @notabronte @littlefreya @luclittlepond @eldarwen333 @meowpurrbooks @marantha @liliumdream @enchantedbytomandhenry @greensleeves888 @witcherfan @margauxmargaux07 @radaofrivia @m07belzen @a-little-counter-esperanto @starstruckkittyangel @mary-ann84 @sillyrabbit81 @emelinelovesjc @wheretheriversrunintothesea @lam0ureuxq @kingliam2019

Let the grand finale begin....

***********

"There's no need to be nervous, Kat."

Henry gave her a smile before taking a sip of his coffee.

They were sitting at their gate, waiting to board the plane that was going to fly them to Jersey.

"I know", Kat sighed, shaking her head slowly, "but I still am. I haven't seen your family in years, there will be so many people I don't know…"

"And they will love you. Look, Kitty, today is gonna be relaxed. You'll meet my parents, my brothers and their families and that's it. Just a casual dinner. Tomorrow there will be the celebration and I promise you it's gonna be great. My folks know how to party," he winked at her with a grin, "and on Sunday everyone except for my parents will be gone and we have a whole week to relax and just enjoy the island and our time together. Okay?"

"Okay," she smiled at him and took a bite of the muffin she had bought at one of the airport cafes, "I'll try to relax. Just distract me, tell me something... anything."

"That's the text for Instagram. The open letter to my fans and followers."

"Well, actually there's really something I want to talk to you about", Henry said reluctantly. He grabbed his phone and opened his google docs. "I need your opinion on this." He gave her his mobile.

Kat saw that the display showed a long text. "What's that?"

"I see," Kat chewed on her lip, looking him in the eyes, "and you want me to proofread it?"

"I want to know what you think about it."

"Alright. Let's see."

She stared at the words on the screen with a beating heart. Henry had been working on this statement quite a while now and she knew it would include his plans for the future. They had talked about different scenarios but she didn't know what he'd finally decided to do with his life and his work. She was curious but at the same time she was scared because many of these scenarios meant that he was going to leave St. Ives and her life. She took a deep breath and started to read.

The statement was deep and of unabashed openness. The way Henry described what he had gone through in the past year was very touching and she had to fight back tears several times. Relief flooded her when she read that he was asking his fans to give him a little more time to reorientate and that he intended to remain in the background for a little longer, stating that he was very happy at the sanctuary he had found and that good friends had given him shelter. What left her completely amazed was the last paragraph.

"Kal is going to take over your Instagram?"

Henry grinned sheepishly.

"Yeah. For a while. I think it's a good solution. I'm going to post pictures of him with captions that let people know what I'm doing without giving up my privacy until I'm ready to return and face the public again. It's my way of letting my fans be a part of my life although I'm not really present. I want to share what I'm up to but not the way I used to do it. I want to do more than promotion and I want to be more than a thirst trap, Kitty."

"You're much more than that, Hen", she took his hands in hers, looking at him with a frown, "so much more."

He gave her a grateful smile.

"I know that but many people don't and that's my own fault. The way I've presented myself on social media was very one-sided in the last year and it will be interesting to find out how many of my 17 Mio followers still like me when all they'll get to see in the next weeks is my dog. The ones that remain are the ones that count and in the future I want them to see who I am and what's important to me. I have picked three topics I want to concentrate on. First: conversation and protection of species in cooperation with Durrell. Second: mental health, focusing on problems men often face. I want to found a charitable trust that helps and supports men with mental health issues and that raises awareness of that topic. Thirdly: Fitness, because it's such an important part of my life. I want to show how good moving can make you feel but I also want to show the risks of overdoing it and that even very fit people can still have body issues and how I deal with these issues myself."

"First of all I think the statement you want to post is great. It's so sincere and you open up so much... It's a risk because you expose yourself but I think people will appreciate your honesty and I'm sure many can identify with what you've been through. And your plans sound fantastic, Henry. I know how important these topics are to you and you're going to be a great ambassador for all of this because it's authentic. This is you, people will notice and appreciate that." She couldn't help but give him a spontaneous hug. "God, Henry, I'm so happy for you."

Henry let out a sigh and shrugged, looking at Kat with an expression full of doubt and insecurity.

"What do you think?"

He hugged her back, pulling her into a tight embrace. "That's such a relief, Kat. I was worried it might sound stupid."

"Not a bit! It sounds perfect. But what about work? Do you already know where to go with your job?"

He took a deep breath.

"Yes. I want to return to filming but I want to leave my comfort zone a bit and try to get different kinds of roles. I'll have to talk to my agent and hope that he can find some interesting projects for me. I also thought about going on the stage again. Back to the roots, maybe I will find a theater that is willing to give me a chance. But that's just an idea, I'm open to anything. I just know for sure that I love my job. I want to be an actor and I'm ready to work again."

"And you will work again. I'm sure. Are you going to tell your family about your plans?"

"Sure. It will be a great relief for them to see that I'm back on track."

"Of course. It's a relief for me too."

"I know…"

They were interrupted by the announcement that boarding was about to start and so they got on the plane, heading to Jersey with a pretty good feeling.

****

36 hours later Kat was still feeling pretty good. The garden party was in full swing and she really enjoyed the jolly atmosphere, the food, the drinks and most of all Henry's company. His family had given her a very warm welcome and so she had a very good time. The garden was beautifully decorated and lit by countless torches, candles and chinese lanterns. A local band was playing cover songs on a little stage and a clown was entertaining the children.

It was almost midnight when Henry turned to her with a smile.

"Time for the big surprise."

"Can't wait. You've been such a mystery-monger lately."

"I know, but you'll soon know why."

"Well, you want to surprise your mum. Isn't that the reason?" Kat was visibly confused and Henry gave her one of his perfectly imperfect winks.

"My mum and...you. Maybe?"

He went away with a grin and left Kat with a beating heart. What kind of surprise could he possibly have for her? On his mother's birthday? She smoothened out her plain black dress with a nervous gesture before she followed Henry with her eyes, her arms resting on the cocktail table right in front of the stage. When he grabbed the microphone, Kat assumed he wanted to hold a speech, maybe telling his family and friends about his future plans but when he turned to the band leader for a whispered exchange she knew there was more to it. Henry nodded at each of the band members and Kat could tell he was nervous by his body language.

"Hello everyone," his deep voice echoed through the speakers, "I'm sorry to interrupt, I know everyone is having a great time and don't worry, I'm not going to bore you with a speech, but I still have prepared a little something. A surprise."

He flashed a bright smile at his mother, ignoring the teasing cheers and whistles coming from his brothers.

"Mum, I racked my brain over a special present for weeks. What would make you happy? What would surprise you? Eventually I had this idea I knew you'd love but that really got me out of my comfort zone. I worked hard on it and I hope you and everybody else will like the result." Henry cleared his throat with a sheepish smile.

"Come on man, spill it." That was Henry's younger brother Charlie and Kat couldn't help but chuckle when his older brother Simon joined in.

"Yeah, Hen, the suspense is killing us."

Henry shook his head, laughing and Marianne Cavill shushed her sons with an amused smile.

"Okay, well... I'm going to sing for you."

"Oh please, spare us. You can't sing." Charlie again, he'd always been a cheeky guy and obviously he hadn't changed a bit. Henry laughed out loud, pointing his finger at Charles.

"Right, brother, that's why I took lessons. I spent many, many hours at our neighbour's who is a vocal coach. Kat is my witness."

All eyes turned on her now and she couldn't give them much more than a shrug, a nod and a smile to confirm his words. She wasn't able to say anything, but her mind was racing. He had been taking singing lessons with Mel, who had been a music teacher and vocal coach before her marriage. The revelation hit her hard and unexpected, flooding her with relief and a hint of shame. She had been so suspicious all this time without a reason. Nothing had been going on between Hen and Mel, nothing inappropriate, nothing intimate. He had been telling the truth.

Henry's voice interrupted her thoughts and she took a deep breath, turning her attention to what was happening on stage.

The band started to play and Kat immediately recognized the song, Green, Green Grass of Home, and when Henry began to sing she was completely captivated by his full, warm and dark voice. He did great up there and it didn't take people long to pull out lighters and smartphones to wave them in the air to the slow rhythm of the song, creating a sea of lights that illuminated the garden.

"Well...I better get started before I chicken out and change my mind." He nodded at the band with a grateful smile.

"We only had the chance to rehearse two times so please be lenient with me. Thanks guys for playing along and allowing me to take over... Anyway, I've prepared three songs. Enjoy."

Kat looked at Mrs Cavill, no, at Marianne -it still felt strange to call her by her first name- and she was beaming, tears of pride and joy sparkling in her eyes. Kat was incredibly happy and proud too, it just felt so good to see Henry perform, completely at ease with himself, confident and charming as ever.

The next song seemed to be some kind of family hymn. After only a few lines of Neil Diamond's Sweet Caroline everybody was singing along, even the kids, and Kat joined in, soaking up the jolly atmosphere and the good mood that was so infectious. Henry obviously had a great time too. He was smiling all over his face and it made Kat glad to see him so relaxed and happy. Before he began singing the last song, he spoke softly into the microphone.

"The next one is for everyone who's in love. Grab your loved ones and get on the dancefloor, it's time for slow-dancing", and after a little pause he added, "this one's for you, Kat."

I know that you've been hurt before

He looked her straight in the eyes and his words sent shivers down her spine. She noticed the curious glances people gave her and she knew she was blushing but she did her best to pretend to be cool, calm and collected, taking a sip of her red wine. When the music set in, Kat easily recognized the song. It was a slow version -Henry's version- of a Curtis Stigers song and she already loved it after the first few words. She knew the lyrics by heart and thinking about them awoke the butterflies in her belly.

Happy couples filled the dancefloor looking lovingly at each other, dancing slowly to the music. Henry's full voice was perfect for the song and he kept looking at Kat. Their eyes were locked and to her it felt like no one else was around, like Henry was singing just for her.

But that won't happen anymore, no no

Just give your heart to me

And I'll guard it with my life

I don't know what I'd do

Baby, without you

His words found their way right into her heart and for the first time in 22 years she felt ready to finally let go of the past, to completely trust him again, to believe him and to forgive him.

You're all that matters to me

The ground that you walk

The air that you breathe

Someday you'll discover

I don't want no other, believe me

You're all that matters, baby

All that matters to me

She realized that a teardrop was rolling down her cheek and she wiped it away hastily. Concern was showing in Henry's eyes when he saw that she was crying but the smile she gave him showed him it was a tear of joy and relief flooded him. He couldn't wait to finish the song now, couldn't wait to dance with Kat, to hold her in his arms.

Loud applause followed his performance, accompanied by calls for an encore that he declined politely with a shy smile. Henry made sure to tell the band to continue with some ballads and after receiving some very tight hugs and kisses from his extremely happy and proud mother he finally joined Kat at their table.

"Fancy a dance?" He offered her his hand with a charming smirk.

She nodded and took his hand, following him to the dance floor where he pulled her close. They swayed slowly to "You Are The Sunshine of my life" for a while without saying anything, content with just looking at each other, before Kat broke the silence.

"You were great up there."

"You liked it?"

"I loved it, Hen. You have a wonderful voice. Mel seems to be a good coach." Kat gave him a sheepish smile.

"Yeah, she is. Once she'd realized that I wasn't interested in more than singing lessons she was very professional and pretty strict."

Henry grinned at her, gently tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"It was supposed to be a surprise and I wanted you to trust me." He shrugged, giving her a tender smile.

"And I didn't. I let you down. I was such an idiot, Henry. I should have believed you, I am so sor…"

"No, Kitty, please... don't apologize, okay?" He looked at her with a frown, seriousness showing in his eyes. "You had every right to be mistrustful, I understand that. Just tell me that you think you will be able to trust me again some day."

"I already do. I…"

They bumped into another couple and it wasn't the first time. The dance floor was crowded and everyone was keen on congratulating Henry on his performance. It felt like every single party guest was watching them.

"Wanna leave?"

"Yes," Kat nodded with a smile.

****

"It's so peaceful, isn't it?"

"It is. It's beautiful." Kat squeezed Henry's hand before resting her head against his shoulder. They were walking down the beach along the dark shore, that was romantically enlightened by a bright full moon hand, in hand. The sea was calm, just giving off its soothing sounds and a cool breeze that made Kat shiver. Henry took off his jacket and wrapped it around her shoulders.

"Thanks", Kat said with a smile, "not only for the jacket but for bringing me here and for this wonderful night."

"Did you enjoy the party?"

"Of course, it was so much fun and I loved your performance. Especially the third song."

Henry stopped walking and turned to her, taking both of her hands in his, looking her deep in the eyes.

"Every single word was true, Kat. I meant it. I'd never hurt you again. You're really all that matters to me. I know you find it hard to believe me, but…"

"I believe you," Kat cut in, "I felt it. I feel it now."

Henry stared at her. "You do?"

"Fuck, yes, I do!" Kat threw her head back, laughing out loud, feeling incredibly happy and light-hearted all of the sudden. "And I feel the same, Hen. Exactly the same."

She cupped his face with her hands and did what she had been longing to do for so long. She kissed him. It was a gentle kiss, almost shy and when Henry felt her mouth on his, her soft lips united with his, skin on skin, no tongue, just tenderness and love, he was beyond happy and savoured every single second.

When Kat pulled away reluctantly he rested his forehead against hers taking a deep breath.

"I feel like 17 again", he whispered.

Kat laughed softly at his words. "So do I. It feels great."

The next kiss started off just like the previous one, innocent and sweet, but when Henry pulled Kat close to deepen the kiss all the bottled-up sexual tension and energy, all the suppressed passion and desire of more than 20 years erupted and they started to make out hungrily, starving for love and intimacy. After a while things really heated up and Henry was the one to put the brakes on when Kat started to fumble with his fly.

"If you don't want me to take you right here we better take it to the bedroom, Kitty", Henry sighed, his voice thick with arousal and desire.

"Well, I've never done it on the beach…", Kat smirked, biting her lower lip.

"Seriously? Here?" Henry took a look around checking if the coast was clear.

"I was joking, Hen. I hate having sand in every pore." Kat nudged him with a grin. "Just take me home."

They made it to the cottage in record time and started to undress each other right in the little hallway, kissing and fumbling like teenagers. While Kat was unzipping Henry's trousers, he was unsuccessfully trying to open her bra.

"Front clasp, Hen", Kat explained to him breathlessly.

"Fuck", Henry chuckled, "I swear I'm not gonna be that clueless once I'll have you naked."

"Good," she answered with a lewd smile, stripping off her bra when he'd finally managed to open it, standing in front of him in just her panties.

"God, you're beautiful, Kitty." Henry let his eyes wander all over her body while stepping out of his pants. He took off his socks and now he was facing her naked too, except for his briefs.

"You don't look so bad yourself, pop."

She grabbed him by the hem of his underwear, pulling him close for another kiss. Kat gasped when he lifted her up effortlessly, wrapping her legs around his waist, feeling his hard-on pressing against her wet panties. She moaned into his mouth when he moved his hips, dry humping her teasingly. Henry carried Kat to his bedroom and laid her down on the bed. He stripped off her pants before he did the same with his and when they finally were both naked he climbed on top of her, looking her deep in the eyes, before kissing her again. It was a long, slow kiss and Kat let her fingers run over his back till they reached his butt. She squeezed his ass and pulled him close, sighing with lust when Henry started to kiss her tits and to suck her nipples. She reached between her legs and grabbed his dick that was pretty impressive, giving it a few strokes that made him moan loudly.

"Fuck, Kat...I need you…I need to feel you...now."

She brought the tip of his cock to her entrance, bucking her hips, inviting him in.

"Take me. I'm yours, Henry."

"Are you on birth control?"

"I am, don't worry. Just go for it. Please."

Her words weren't more than a hoarse whisper but Henry heard them crystal clear. He moaned again when he realized that it was finally going to happen. He was about to make love to Kat and it was like a dream come true. A hot, sexy, wet dream and he couldn't help but feel a little nervous. He penetrated Kat slowly, gently, enjoying the moment that marked the beginning of their first time.

"God, Hen…", Kat moaned softly as he stretched her pussy, kneading his ass and lifting her hips to meet him halfway, "you feel great."

"I love you, Henry," she whispered before she came with a loud moan. She arched her back and Henry felt the shiver that ran through her body and the contraction of her pussy that tightened around his cock. The feelings that flooded him were more than Henry could take and he cried her name out loud when he got off, releasing an enormous amount of cum and the thought of filling her up like this made him thrust into her cunt hard and deep one last time. "Fuck...Kitty." He collapsed on top of her, gasping and panting, holding her tight, pressing a kiss on her lips. Henry looked her in the eyes with a loving smile.

He started to move slowly once he filled her completely, looking her in the eyes. It was impossible to turn back time. He wasn't her first, she wasn't his first but he still intended to make their first time together feel special, he didn't want to fuck her mindless, he wanted to make tender love to her. He thrusted a little faster and deeper now and Kat followed his rhythm, her gaze resting on his face. They shared another sensual kiss, moving in sync for a wonderful long time, prolonging the intimate moment as much as possible, enjoying the sensation of closeness, their bodies and souls connected.

Henry's moans got louder, turning into raspy grunts which was a great turn on for Kat, who was a panting mess. Breathing heavily she was getting closer to cumming with every thrust that hit her cervix, with every stroke, brushing against her g-spot, with his lower body pressing and rubbing against her clit. She watched Henry, who had his head bent back now, eyes half closed, his upper body propped up on his elbows that were placed left and right of her torso. She wrapped her legs around him, making him go even deeper before she grabbed his head and pulled him in for a sweet kiss. They locked eyes and his gaze was full of tenderness, his pupils tinted black and filled with lust.

"I love you too, Kat."

A few minutes later they were lying side by side, holding hands, their faces turned to each other.

"We should have done that 22 years ago."

Henry grinned at Kat, stroking her cheek with his thumb.

"I doubt it would have been so good. Teenage Kat was very self-conscious and a little prude and I guess teenage Henry wasn't a pro at handling this weapon right from the start." Kat touched his dick and gave him a teasing wink that made Henry chuckle.

"Right. We've come a long way. It just feels like we've wasted so much time...all these years."

"We can't change that, Hen", Kat said, "but we can make the most of the time that's still to come. Let's just be happy together from now on. Let's spend as much time together as possible, let's have lots and lots of fucking great sex, let's have fun, let's share our joys and sorrows, let's share our lives."

****

Epilogue

Two years later.

Kat sat at her desk in her office with a happy smile on her face. Mr. Darcy was sleeping on her lap and she held a letter in her hands. Bringing it close to her nose she took a deep breath, smelling Henry's scent, his tangy, musky cologne. It was a habit they had established in the last years. Whenever Henry and Kat were separated for more than a few days they sent each other love letters. Handwritten in ink, the exclusive, handmade writing paper perfumed with their odours, the lines filled with their love. The letters usually weren't long, most of the time they shared just short poems or simply a few sentences about how their days had been without each other. It was their old fashioned way of showing their affection and of staying in touch in addition to their conversations via phone or facetime.

"A letter from daddy", Kat whispered, stroking her round belly tenderly. Eight weeks to go until they would welcome their first child and a little more than half a year until their wedding. "Let's see what it's saying."

Kat opened the letter carefully and pulled out the thick paper to unfold it.

"My darling Kitty,

Only three days to go until I finally can take you in my arms again. I can't wait to kiss your lips and your belly to greet you and our little bean. I don't have much time, you know how tight my schedule is, but I needed to write down this poem for you. It would make a great wedding vow, don't you think? Just read it and let me know how you feel about it when I'm back.

"Mouthful Of Forevers

I am not the first person you loved. You are not the first person I looked at with a mouthful of forevers. We have both known loss like the sharp edges of a knife. We have both lived with lips more scar tissue than skin.

Our love came unannounced in the middle of the night. Our love came when we’d given up on asking love to come. I think that has to be part of its miracle. This is how we heal.

I will kiss you like forgiveness. You will hold me like I’m hope. Our arms will bandage and we will press promises between us like flowers in a book.

I will write sonnets to the salt of sweat on your skin. I will write novels to the scar of your nose. I will write a dictionary of all the words I have used trying to describe the way it feels to have finally, finally found you.

And I will not be afraid of your scars. I know sometimes it’s still hard to let me see you in all your cracked perfection, but please know: whether it’s the days you burn more brilliant than the sun or the nights you collapse into my lap your body broken into a thousand questions, you are the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.

I will love you when you are a still day. I will love you when you are a hurricane."

Isn't it perfect for us?

by Clementine von Radics

I love you!

Forever yours,

Henry"

***********

The End

#henry cavill #cavillry #henry cavill fandom #henry cavill rpf #henry cavill x ofc #henry cavill smut #friends to lovers #slow burn #Spotify

102 notes · View notes

cometcaper · 3 years

Text

I thought I'd share my playlist for the anniversary of the boathouse kiss. :)

Song translations, MANY thoughts, and timeline under the break.

Noise warning for song 19, Hinahanap-Hanap Kita. 4:23 to the end. Loud high pitched beeps.

YouTube music version to be made soon.

Translations for foreign songs:

Ewan [Dunno] — Apo Hiking Society — Filipino/Tagalog

Amour plastique [Plastic love] — Videoclub — French

Panalangin [Prayer] — Apo Hiking Society/Moonstar88 — Filipino/Tagalog

Hinahanap-Hanap Kita [I'm Looking For You] — Rivermaya — Filipino/Tagalog

This is a collaborative playlist made with my friend.

Thought Good Old-Fashioned Lover Boy would be a good starter song. Something about the music. Represents a good start of Alec persuing Maurice, like, hey, I can be yours... Whatcha doin'?

I added Puppy Princess because of the chorus but I know some people don't like that song so... You can skip if you'd like. KISS MEEEEE KIISS ME WITH YIIR EYESSS CLOSED . ALL I WANT IS YOU YEAH YOU. TELL ME I'M NOT FUNNY TELL ME I'M LEGIIIIT

Ewan. OH MY GOD this song is so them. Alec cares for Maurice, and doesn't like not being taken seriously or being treated badly and brushed off.

"I don't know why you're like that, you're difficult to talk to and you're a snob" COME ON IS THAT NOT THEM — Just a smile from you, and I'll be in heaven. Please give me a response, anything but "No idea"... What a perfect representation of Alec's continuous persuit of Maurice, always talking, always trying...

I could go on with every lyric.

Edit: I just realised this song fits so well for Alec's letters and meeting at the museum. Must resist the urge to add the same exact track twice.

So about Touch Me... Some of the lyrics apply better in other versions. Spotify just has this version tho. Touch me, just like that.

All I've Ever Known. Maurice discovered so much that night about touch and sharing and being with someone. He wants to be with Alec. "All I've ever known is how to hold my own, but now I want to hold you too. [Hold you close, I don't wanna ever have to let you go. Hold you tight, I don't wanna to back to the lonely life.]" Alec opened up his eyes and he'll never be the same.

Can't Help Falling in Love With You. 'Did you ever dream you'd a friend, Alec? ... Someone to last your whole life...' 'Alec, you're a dear fellow and we've been very happy.'

I'd Like To Walk Around In Your Mind was added from Maurice's perspective. Perhaps it fits Alec too...

I think Love At First Sight has the double meaning of the literal title, as well as "wouldn't you like to kiss her" perhaps being... Something Maurice would hear.

I Don't Dance. Based on this post/edit. Please watch this video oh my God.

Pink in the Night. Alec yearns for Maurice in the boathouse. He hasn't come. He hears his heart breaking tonight.

Every lyric is perhaps pulled straight from Alec's brain, to be honest. I remember seeing a post with this song in other contexts with them too. So yes, a few meanings.

Amour plastique. Alec reminiscences on the night in the Russet room. Why hasn't he come?

In my mind, everything goes wild. I lose myself in your eyes. I drown myself in the vagueness of your loving gaze.

And at night I cry tears that stream down my cheeks. I think of you only when the days ends, only when my sad demons descend upon my mind, into the bottomless abyss.

Waiting in the boathouse at night, when the day ends.

I ring out in kisses all down your chest. Lost in the avalanche of my heart astray. Who are you? Where are you?

The moments of then repeat in his mind. Where is Maurice?

I suppose Hopelessly Devoted To You and I'm A Fool To Want You are self explanatory. Maurice should really come... Alec really toughed it out, 2 days he spent in the boathouse, really wanted to see Maurice, really knew they had something, and doesn't want to be treated like a dog. Generally, his 1st letter.

Moon Song. My friend said they added it as a general love song. — Why do you treat me like this? Why didn't you come to the boathouse? — Alec's 2nd letter as a whole. Plus bits of 1st.

And you pushed me in, and now my feet can't touch the bottom of you. ... So I will wait for the next time you want me, like a dog with a bird at your door.

Ewan would fit here tbh.

Panalangin. My only prayer in this lifetime: to be beside you, to be together with you, that's my prayer.

"I since cricket match do long to ... place both arms round you and share with you, the above now seems sweeter than words can say."

And this heart won't allow if you will be away from me, my love, please listen.

It also fits the end of museum.

I Want You. Maurice, can you come to the boathouse already? Alec has no power to teleport you there. I hold one card that I can't use.

I found you. I found the door, but when I stepped through, there was no floor. He found Maurice, bit he's not being here for Alec.

You're coming back And it's the end of the world We're starting over And I love you, darling And I am done, dear

Alec wishes this would happen. Also, he does come back later and they love again over, and "it is finished".

Credit for suggesting the next two songs goes to @beatle-capaldi!!! He also wrote was in quotations!

English Summer Rain

The Most Radical Thing To Do

Hinahanap-Hanap Kita. 1st letter, he's looking for Maurice. Thinking about them together.

In my thoughts and dreams, in every turn of destiny, I look for you. Also applies to that hotel/post-hotel feeling. I look for you, even if I try to forget you, saying goodbye, looking back...

Wildest Dreams. They think a lot of each other. They share once more. But they must say goodbye. Alec saw this coming. Maurice hopes that Alec will remember him like this.

I Hear a Symphony. Alec truly opened up Maurice's eyes. Maurice was meant to be with him. He helped Maurice, changed his life. But now Alec is leaving on ship... Or is he? The symphony leads into...

An orchestral sountrack. The Boathouse. Unfortunately the Maurice soundtrack is not on spotify. It's on my personal YouTube music version. I added it because it just captures the boathouse the only way the sountrack itself can.

The Word of Your Body (Reprise). MLM people have moment of romantic tension, which culminates in confessions of love. Just had to add it. "Haven't you heard the word of your body?" perfectly describes Alec gifting and showing Maurice the wonder of truest physical affection and love. He lets Maurice be okay with himself, and again, changes everything. Every lyric is perfect.

Also, sorry JBW, I like other versions more... Too bad Spotify is mean.

I See The Light. Yeah. Every lyric. Maurice is Rapunzel. Movie Blond too. Both the morning at Russet room and the museum. And the world has somehow shifted. All at once everything is different, now that I see you. "By now they were in love with each other consciously."...

Suddenly Seymour. Suddenly see more, yeah? Clive = ass and someone gives him affection for once, wow! Sidenote, I want to sing this with them and their accents... Suddenly SCUDDER...

Helpless. Musical theatre songs seem to be good retellings of their love story. It's why they belong in post boathouse. Summaries and retellings. They're also good at conveying love they'd feel for each other in general, all times ever. Like loving men, retelling a story.

I'll Cover You. Cute love song feat. gays. I like to imagine them dancing around, declaring their love and devotion for each other. Walking and dancing around like in the original scene, sometime post canon. In my own imagination, I thought of Alec as Angel and Maurice (Christopher) as Collins.

Video Games. They must love spending time together. I thought this to be Maurice POV. Only worth living if somebody is loving you I mean, come on.

It's you, it's you, it's all for you. Everything I do. I tell you all the time, heaven is a place on Earth with you.

Un sospiro. I headcanon that Maurice picks up the piano and plays for Alec. Perhaps he picked it up bc of/after Clive, but now can play it for someone who gives a shit.

Something about the melody reminds me of them. And then it gets more intense... A bit like the passions of love, showing up in sharing and touch and more, too.

Liebestraum. I mean, it means love dream/dream of love. I just had to. Also I just like Liszt.

Take Me Up With You, Dearie. This song is just so sweet... So soft... Edwardian to boot... I love how quintessentially 1909 it is. Discovered it in a YT video. The thought of them getting married makes me cry. This song in general makes me want to cry, it's so romantic, tender, and exudes my favourite era...

Let us float, float, float through the clouds, and just have a lot of fun. We'll go up, up, up as two and then come down as one.

Put Your Head on My Shoulder. We Belong Together. I always imagine Maurice and Alec slowdancing to songs that come on the radio together, when the 1950s hits... Alec probably rests his head on his shoulder as this plays and they dance...

I'm using a lot of ellipses, am I secretly Rupert Graves?

Welcome to the 70s and 80s. They love dancing together and being with each other. Now, Panalangin can be a happy song. My only prayer for this lifetime ... To be together with you. And this heart won't allow if you will be away from me.

Just the Two of Us. What a nice, vibey song. Great title, great scenario of them dancing to this...

Tiny Dancer. Your Song. MLM people in the 70s + Radio, being happy and in love with each other. — I just thought I should add some Elton. A different friend, and I, like him. Maurice sings to Alec, "And you can tell everybody this is your song." That I put down in words how wonderful life is with you in the world.

Electric Love. Fun fact: this song got me to share the playlist. Got me thinking about them and their anniversary again. The funky busy instrumental describes well their passionate love. The highs of electric LOOOOOOVE describe the intensity of them.

Alt text continued: themselves together under and the love. And the love. The song has its own tension and it perfectly pictures their own tension. So yeah, this is THEIR song quite literally.

Sorry if my music taste is perhaps basic. I just made it for when I hear songs that are Them.

Falling for Ya. Alec falls for Maurice. "I saw you when you first drove up, Mr Hall..." Something about Maurice, right? Plus really nice vintage vibes with the music. The bit about Into your arms and it's a secure sure sounds like Maurice. Awh, they're falling for *each other*...

Rainbow Connections. Gay and bi people. Marriage. Everything that Maurice and Alec went through to get here, where they were meant to be. Clive. Working for Clive. Leading up to now.

All the things that had to go right, all the things that had to go wrong, that lead us to the place where we were going all along.

On the YT version there's a soft/jazzy cover of Panalangin here. Because they're old and spending time together and being happy. What a throwback, a defined meaning in their lives over time.

Still Into You. After all these decades... Old and grown, together... True soulmates... Two men can defy the world... Maurice and Alec still roam the greenwood. Imagine Maurice meeting Alec's mom in this context. If only.

Postmodern Jukebox cover, because they are a quintessentially 20th century couple. They exude vintage.

Some piano playing for Alec. Soft, tender, romantic, emotional, true. Feels like nighttime. Feels like Maurice and Alec. And a throwback to the pre 1914 world as well. Claire de Lune feels like... A credits of life piece. Time spent in the early 1980s. Nocturne feels like that too, but more romantic. Smidge less nighttime. Ah yes, Gymnopédies. The truest credits feel of them all. None of these actually are credits for Maurice and Alec, but I struggle to find the word for this feeling. But yeah. These all have Them vibes to me. Piano of the time just does I suppose. Glad to be reminded of them at any time.

What a long playlist. Like going through almost their whole lives together. 1:52 hrs. Almost like a movie. Imagine that. A full movie of THEIR lives... But leaving to the imagination was a good thing. Led to this such action. Thank you E.M. Forster.

Timeline:

1. Pendersleigh

4. & 5. Russet Room. Night, then Morning

9. Cricket

10. Boathouse Nights

18. The Museum

20. The Hotel

21. After

23. The Boathouse

24. They Still Roam the Greenwood

I just like to imagine them dancing to songs on the radio, for decades to come...

#maurice 1987 #maurice 1914 #maurice #maurice hall #alec scudder #Spotify

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amaya-chwan · 3 years

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Therapy Game Restart Discussion: Who is Onodera?

Hello everyone! Hope you are all well~ ❤️💛💜 I've had a headscratcher of an ask/message regarding Onodera, so I figured I'll make it into one big post!

Before I begin this Q&A/discussion post (feel free to comment below if you have any thoughts), I have looked through past chapters to gather the information I will put into this post to support my predictions. Not all chapters are readily available for everyone at the moment as only one volume of TGR is out right now, so I shall put the chapter numbers for your future reference! ⚠️ Also, just a note! These opinions are my personal thoughts, conjectures, and opinions, so please don't think I am saying one idea or speculation is wrong--this is just how I see it, and of course I could very well be wrong! And I also am not fluent in Japanese, so I may have some translation errors!

⚠️ Also, a warning, this will be a long post! Keep reading if you're interested and please let me know your own thoughts!

First, in an earlier ask, I was directed to a translation group that said Onodera is a man. With the help of Google and Google Translate (because I don't understand/speak Spanish), I found that post (dated April this year) and the origin of the picture they used in that post. The image is from Hinohara-sensei's 13th August 2020 tweet here and is also below for reference:

Now, all I can remember from first seeing that image is "Woow, so pretty! A female character? A love rival? A threat? OH it's the infamous director they're all talking about???"

This image was released around the time chapter 8 was released, i.e. the first chapter we see Onodera in full.

Looking at the image again, I can see how Onodera could be seen as a female or a male. Onodera has long hair, yet no visible breasts. There is no evidence of an Adam's apple, but that could just be because of the turtleneck as part of their outfit. Furthermore, in chapter 13, we see a view of Onodera from behind. There are no "womanly curves" visible in this view of Onodera.

After searching some Japanese blogs, some fans also had the same thoughts: no breasts = possible male, the shape of the face etc. Here are the blogs I found: [1] [2] [3] but most of these are from around chapter 8.

Just about the breast argument: there are a lot of different shapes for breasts. I learnt that when working at a department store selling bras during university. It is possible that Onodera is really flat chested or just has very little breast tissue. Not sure if that's getting too technical now, ahah, but what I want to say is that the lack of breasts isn't a definite yes to Onodera being a man.

Hinohara-sensei also has not explicitly stated throughout TGR so far (ch1-13) that Onodera is male or female.

From chapters 8-12, Onodera is always referred to as 院長 (director) by Shizuma and the nurses at the clinic. No gender-specific pronouns have been used in the story nor by any characters to refer to Onodera when speaking so far (that I have read). So confirming Onodera's gender is just misleading at the present moment.

We do find out in chapter 9 that Onodera's first name is 昌 akira. Akira is a gender neutral name in Japan. It is often given to males, but it is not uncommon for females to have this name. Which, I think, is genius on Sensei's part. It leaves us all thinking!

Q: So Amaya-chwan, what do you think Onodera's gender is?

Just for me as I've been reading TGR the past 1.5 years, I see Onodera as a woman as I have been "encouraged" to see Onodera as one by the little subtleties in the story, and Minato sees Onodera as a female, so I probably am viewing Onodera in Minato's POV.

(Please keep reading on for more insights and answers to questions! Really, this post is long! 😅)

In chapter 9, Onodera's older brother, who is also Shizuma's university professor (and his last name is not Onodera), makes small talk with Shizuma regarding the staff at his placement:

Shizuma's professor says: By the way, Shizuma-kun, how've you been!? You haven't been bullied, have you!? // The female team here is scary, right~ You know, Nakajou-kun and I were in the same grade...

So here, I'm made to think Onodera's clinic is pretty much all female, including Onodera too.

Fun fact: His professor uses the suffix -kun for Nakajou-sensei, yet Nakajou-sensei is a female and -kun is commonly used for males these days. But, it is also used for females in very specific situations. I'm not too sure what the situations are, but I have heard them used for females before.

In the same chapter (9), while Shizuma is changing out of his scrubs in the men's locker (?) room, Onodera walks in. He is slightly flustered, and kindly reminds her that she's walked into the men's locker room. Her reaction is "Huh? Ahh..." So here, again, I am made to believe Onodera is female.

While no gender-specific pronouns have been used to address Onodera, Minato and Itsuki have referred to Onodera as a female in chapter 13.

The kanji for "female/woman" is 女. In these two images, Minato refers to Onodera as 上司の女 female superior, and from Minato's story, Itsuki hence calls her 職場の女の人 female from (Shizuma's) workplace. This is the only time Onodera has been referred to as a female.

⚠️ Just a note going forward in this discussion, I will now call Onodera "she/her" as that is what I believe Onodera's gender is at the present moment!

Now, I did get a second ask from an Anon! Here they are below with my responses:

This one is about what's behind Onodera. I think she's a pretty interesting character. I actually think she's a trans woman or a non-binary trans woman. Sensei has been dropping so many hints to that... The name her brother calls her might be her dead name. He complains about her hair and what their father would say. She's designed to have flat breasts, perhaps she's not under hormone therapy, perhaps her "trips" and "days off" have something to do with reassignment surgeries...

She most definitely is an interesting character. I wouldn't say Onodera being transgender is out of the realm of possibility because the story is still ongoing. But regarding her name, I don't know if I'd call it a dead name since it is gender neutral already. Perhaps the kanji for a male Akira name would be different to a female one though?

About the hair comment (ch10), I just thought it was unruly? I honestly didn't think too much of it! What I will add is that the kanji for hair (髪) is used, but the reading is あたま head. Not sure why just yet, so I'll just leave that here as some extra information for the moment.

Not sure what I really think about a) her flat-chestedness and b) her insanely long business trips yet! I figured a) might be a character design, and b) she really is a top-notch veterinarian so she's probably in high demand. But I could be completely off the mark!

Also, I don't know where to add this random bit in from the story, but in chapter 12, we find out that Onodera has been calling one of the staff the wrong name for more than 10 years now. Not sure if this new piece of info affects anything?

But again, that is a very interesting prediction/thought you have about Onodera, and I wouldn't say it's not possible!

She's kind of a female Minato, psychologicallly and in appearance, which brings some challenges. And one more thing that I think hints to that: "I'll make it so your body can never be satisfied by any woman", Minato says to Shizuma. As the last chapter leaves it at that, we don't know exactly what he is talking about. [spoiler?] I haven't seen the Japanese text yet to be sure if he's clear about topping Shizuma.

That was exactly my thought when she was first introduced! That's part of the reason why I think Minato sees her as a threat, especially when he saw her for the first time and was told she is a 美人beautiful person (both in chapter 12). She and Minato definitely share some characteristics, but I find she's a bit more socially-awkward than Minato given her background (Chapter 9 & 10).

For the dialogue, the Japanese lines and the most literal translations I can give are:

今から　静真くんを抱く From now, (I'll) hold/embrace you, Shizuma-kun.

どんな女に出会っても　絶対満足できない体にしてあげる No matter the women you encounter, I will make it so your body definitely cannot be satisfied (by any of them).

Hopefully we'll find out what Minato means by that exactly in the next chapter, which I hope comes to me this week!

But if that's what he's talking about, it's 1. poor Minato being transphobic (besides being biphobic towards his own boyfriend)* 2. poor Minato probably foreshadowing his own fall. If Onodera happens to be a woman with a d**k, she can do whatever Minato thinks a cis man only can do. That's not what will make Shizuma stay by his side. Shizuma will stay by his side because he loves Minato. And that's that. Debunks biphobic myths, debunks transphobic myths. *He's not a bad person, he's got issues

Okay, this is probably as straight-forward as I can say this, but I just want to say that I don't know enough about the issues faced by the LGBTQI+ community. My friends have kindly answered all my questions so far as I don't want to be ignorant or rude when learning more about my friends and the community. I don't want to give off the air that I'm assuming anything since I don't want any misunderstandings. And I am fully aware that I need to educate myself more regarding this!

So about Minato, I'm not completely sure what you mean by number 2. But he definitely has his share of trauma, insecurities, and fears regarding his relationship with Shizuma. Having Onodera as a threat in this story really helps drive Minato's growth. The story is titled Therapy Game Restart, so what I gather from the title is that Minato is going to face another fear/insecurity he has, something deeply-rooted in him, and it's going to get really heavy and complicated, but he will eventually get through it and it will help him heal and grow as a character, and hopefully strengthen his faith in his relationship with Shizuma.

So far, I believe this "fear" is carrying on from +Play More, that Shizuma can be whisked away by a female at any moment.

But yes, Minato has to realise for himself that his and Shizuma's love, relationship, and bond is strong enough for him to not worry about Shizuma leaving him so abruptly. He has to learn to trust in Shizuma more, and TGR is slowly revealing that, especially in chapter 13.

I'll stop here. I have already written long analyses on this series and I think about making them public at some point. But it would be nice to hear from you! Maybe I'm completely wrong in my interpretations! I'm really sorry for being so annoying and maybe using inappropriate language. I really didn't mean to bother you. But I never see anyone making these points. I just want to know if I'm thinking unreasonably...

I love reading different analyses, opinions, story predictions, the whole lot!! So please feel free to ask me or post your own ideas. It's always a welcome thing for me to discuss stories and learn new things! Don't be sorry that you're being a bother or annoying, because it's not a bother at all!

We're all allowed to have our own ideas and opinions about stories, and these ideas will change once something is canon in the story, and ultimately is something we will have to accept too.

So yeah, just my two cents. Thank you for being so patient with my response, dear Anon!

To anyone reading at this point, thank you for reading this far! ❤️💛💜

I shall see you in our next set of takeaways~ As always, stay safe and take care of yourselves and your loved ones! 💜

(2021-05-17: Speedy proofreading is done ahah! And yes, my brain is still so full of 山河令/Word of Honor right now, so I have been VERY distracted! Highly recommend this drama, guys! It's up for free on the official Youku Youtube page! Totally not an endorsement, but I love this drama! AHHHHH!! Gong Jun [Simon] be living on my mind rent free~)

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seonghwa-is-babie · 4 years

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Protective pup

Y/n And yunho haven't gotten the best response to coming out, getting a lot of hate from antis, unfortunately, y/n got a bit more than just online hate, all because he looked too scary and intimidating with his height and tattoos

Yunho x male reader

Warning: slight angst (cursing, bruises, crying)

Note: sorry if this made u cry ;-;, and that the ending's a bit awkward

Today was a wreck for y/n, ever since he and his boyfriend, Yunho came out as a couple, he's been getting a lot of hate from both fans and non-fans. y/n tried to stay strong in front of him, but in reality he didn't know how much hate he could handle anymore, since it was escalating to physical harassment

It wasn't uncommon for him to come home with bruises, but he did his best to hide them from yunho, he was already stressed with their comeback being right around the corner

Today was another one of those days where he got beat up for being in a relationship with their 'oppar'

🐶

Once he got home he expected to be welcomed by his boyfriend, Yunho, with open arms, but he wasn't home at the moment, so y/n decided to text him

________________________________________

you: baby why aren't you home? I thought you were done by now?

Yunho🐶❤️: They're making us practise a bit longer for our comeback

you: When are you coming home then? I miss you...

Yunho🐶❤️: We're almost done, don't worry :)

Yunho🐶❤️: love you😘😘❤️

_______________________________________

Deciding he had enough time left to hopefully cover up the wounds, he went to the bathroom to get some bandages for the cuts, and foundations for the bruises

🐶

After bandaging up his arms and putting on a decent amount of makeup to cover up the bruises

He turned off his phone, hoping to not see anymore notifications from comments under anything he posts "maybe he is better off without me, or he can find someone else who's so much better than me, who isn't hated" as he started to think, he couldn't help but cry from it, falling asleep after the crying had tired him out.

At practice🐶

"alright from the top guys, five six seven eight" they went over their choreography once again "yunho your footing's wrong, you're supposed to go like this" the instructor demonstrated "sorry sir, I won't do it again" they repeated it, only for him to do another part wrong, repeating this problem until the members decided to address it

"yunho, you've been a bit out of rhythm since our break, is everything okay?" seonghwa asked concerned "I don't know hyung, maybe cause of..."

San looked at him confused "cause of what, Yunho?" he looked down "y/n sent a text asking why I wasn't at home and after I explained why, I don't know why, but his reply seemed so sad, he didn't even say I love you back, and I think I know why" the older didn't fully understand

"well, why do you think he's sad?" yunho looked down "I think it might be because of the hate we've been getting for coming out, I've deleted all social media of off my phone, but I don't know if he did it as well."

"yunho, maybe you should go home to check on him" Hongjoong said, concerned for the yunho's boyfriend, he knew him quite well and knew that despite his intimidating exterior, he was a gentle soul "but what about practice?"

wooyoung pushed him towards the door "that's not important right now, what is, is that you go home and check up on your boyfriend"

🐶

"I'm home" yunho said, expecting a hug and a kiss from his boyfriend, but all he saw was an empty living room, like he had feared "maybe he went to bed already? That's strange, normally he waits for me to get back" he went up the stairs to their shared bedroom, hoping to find the other there

To his surprise, he did, though he was already asleep, so he tried his best not to wake his lover up, sadly he did wake up because y/n was a pretty light sleeper

"Yunho?" he turned around to face his lover, he smiled "hey, I'm home, I missed you" he went closer to his lover, only then noticing the tear stains and the slightly red eyes "why did you cry? Did something happen?" he hoped to deer God that it wasn't the hate, but just a bad day at work

"i'm fine, don't worry about it" he tried grabbing yunho's arm to stop him from further inspecting his body, but that backfired as the sleeve came up and exposed the bandages, which yunho obviously saw

"oh my gosh! What did you do? Did someone hurt you?" tears started to slip from y/n's eyes and he turned over to his back "babe please, I'm worried about you" y/n turned back to yunho, the years exposing his makeup "hold on one minute, please"

He came back with a a few makeup wipes "may I?" y/n decided to no longer hide what people were doing to him and nodded. As yunho started gently wiping off the makeup, his face contorted into one of shock "how'd that happen, honey?"

"....Your fans, they've been harassing me on and off social media, on it, they always say I don't D-deserve you, that I-I'm a heartless ass hole who doesn't know how to properly care for you. But off...... Yunho.... I'm not sure if you know how much it hurts not only physically, but mentally as well. I've tried to stay strong, but I don't know how much longer I can take it"

at this point he was sobbing, something Yunho had never seen before. He sat next to his slightly taller boyfriend and rubbed the others back "I-I didn't know it go that bad..... I didn't think they would go that far. I'm sorry that I wasn't there for you sooner" both began to cry in each others arms

🐶

"I promise you I will do something about this, I hate to see you go through so much pain" yunho said, sitting in y/n's lap "maybe we could do something together?" the younger nodded, before getting up from the older's lap and grabbing his phone, texting someone "who're you texting?" yunho made room for y/n to look over his shoulder

"just my manager to ask him if I can do a V-live to address what's going on" the older tensed up "are you sure that's a good idea?" the younger nodded "we don't have to if you don't feel comfortable with it" y/n thought about it

"I don't want you to do this alone, but I don't know if I can face the camera right now" Yunho tried to think of something they could do "how about...... You lay your head on my lap facing away from the camera, that way, you'll still be there with me, but don't have to see any negative comments" y/n nodded

🐶

Yunho got his phone positioned where they could see both him and y/n and waited until enough people joined in "hey guys.... This isn't going to be a happy vlive today, instead I want to address something that's been a problem lately" he could already see some hate comments on screen "ever since I came out with my boyfriend, we've been getting a lot of hate, me getting only a bit of what y/n has been going through, I normally trust you guys and love you all, but harassing y/n for being together with me is just wrong"

"but oppar he isn't right for uuuu"

"we love a protective bf, preach🏳️‍🌈"

"not our fault you're both filthy homosexuals😒"

"hope u guys still know there's fans out there who support you two, we love you💙💙💙"

"but he doesn't treat u right unlike I would"

"for the people who think y/n doesn't treat me right because of how he looks, he's the sweetest guy I could've asked for, he knows what I like and dislike, how to cheer me up. Why can't you guys see that, is all you guys see a tall scary man with tattoos, or the sweet, loving person laying beside me"

y/n started to cry again and buried his face into yunho's thighs, Yunho brought him up to comfort him, y/n still facing away from the camera "it's okay, it's gonna be fine, we're gonna sort this out alright?" the youngest went to wipe his tears, the older leaning into those touches from him

"guys, you should stop... Look how much we're hurting him and y/n"

"oppar he'll just use you"

"look at how much they care about each other, how could you hate them?🥺🥺🥺🥺"

"guys please, I can't stand seeing him this unhappy and sad, seeing him with so many bruises and cuts, and him not even being able to face the camera because of you guys. This has to stop, or we will have to take drastic measures in order to keep ourselves save" y/n looked at his boyfriend, a bit scared but also relieved that this might just be a solution to their problem

"yunho, are you sure this is what we should do?" he asked, still unsure of what to do "I know many fans probably won't like it, but this is what I have to do if I want to keep you and myself safe" he took in a deep breath before looking back towards his phone "we will be deleting our social media from our phones, and if we catch any of you harassing me or y/n, you will be blacklisted and will get a restraining order from us" he ended the live

🐶

"are you okay baby?" y/n asked yunho "no, I just-" he began to cry "I just can't believe that they would do so many awful things just because we're together" the older pulled him closer "I guess that's the harsh reality of idol life, because of the way you're supposed to act towards fans, it gives them a false sense of hope. I wish things were different, but sadly we can't change it, not in one day that is. This stuff is going to take time for people to accept, but i'm sure that when some more time has passed, people will accept it, as there will be more like us in the future"

"how can you be so sure of it? Maybe people will start to resent it even more" he looked up at y/n "I don't know what the future holds, but I do know we can influence it, you're a role model for people, if they see from you that it's okay, I'm sure many people will follow"

they stayed in each other's arms, eventually falling asleep, but not before saying one last thing to each other "I love you yunho, with all my heart, and I hope our country will allow us to be together till the end" yunho snuggled closer to y/n "you mean like getting married and stuff? I'd love to get married to you, and I hope we can in the future too"

They shared a quick peck before cuddling up once more and going to sleep for the night

#ateez imagines #ateez scenarios #kpop x male reader #ateez x male reader #ateez #Yunho x male reader #Yunho #jeong yunho

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girlmounter · 3 years

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URGENT QUESTION TO ALL MY FOLLOWERS, I NEED YOUR FEEBACK!

Okay so here's the situation. I am asking you all to please please read this through and like, maybe tell me if I made the right decision... because I feel terrible about this. I would love it if someone told me if this is correct or wrong and I should've done something else. I'm not a popular blog, so whoever this post might reach (which is not going to be a lot of people) please please take some time out to read this through. I know it's a really long post, but I really really need your opinion on this. If you don't have the time right now, maybe just reblog it and save it for later. It would also help this post reach more people. Also please check the tags for the trigger warnings.

I have been going to a therapist for about 5 months now. My mom, as you probably know by now, is narcissistic and my dad enables her, along with my mom's parents who we live with. I have no siblings, and I just turned 17. Since we live in Asia, all you desi people know how hard society is on us when we go against our parents, who are supposed to be godly figures.

So all along, my therapist, (for confidentiality's sake we'll call him Sam, 21), has been bent on making me talk to them. I dont know why. I've tried explaining so many times that talking to my mom is not an option because 1) NARCISSISTIC PEOPLE DON'T EVER CHANGE and 2) my mom WILL use all my words against me and twist them into whatever she wants and later bring them up to bring me down. You guys with narcissistic parents know this shit too well.

It's not like I haven't ever even tried talking to them, I have! I've done it so many times, with a calm tone, in the most diplomatic way possible. There were times I tried to get the point across by crying and being desperate too. There were also times where I thought anger might work out.

It never did. It doesn't. It won't, because she is not looking for solutions or for mending the bond between us. All she wants is to infantilize me and keep me under her control forever. Mom and dad both want this. They don't ever want to let me out of their sights. They don't let me out of their sights.

A very long story short, I am supervised 24/7, I don't have much of a phone, I don't have friends, I don't have any family members who would support me, I don't have much of a family either tbh. I am monitored like crazy, gaslighted every single day, lied to, manipulated like hell, and babied to the point where it's just narcissistic infantilization and not concern anymore. To them, I'm a baby when it suits them, and I'm an adult when it suits them better that way. She doesn't care about what I think because apparently I'm a liar and to all those people out there who know the smear campaigning and the flying monkeys and the triangulation....yeah. All of that happens on a regular basis. I know I'm not providing any concrete proof and situations but please believe me. Please believe me. My memory is so shot I can't remember anything and i know it doesn't work out in my favor but please please believe me I'm telling the truth...

I have made three suicide attempts, I used to cut and was very badly addicted to it, and now I don't cut, but yeah I'll be sharing the reason in a little bit. Please hold on, this means a huge deal to me. Please don't scroll past this.

So Sam never really even had a smidge of doubt that my mom might be narcissistic, and I wasn't given the benefit of doubt either. After months of research when I myself figured that it might be narcissism, I told him and he went along with it. He does believe me now. But somehow I don't feel very understood. I dont feel better after I talk to him. I feel like my problems are trivial and that I'm just not working hard enough. I feel misunderstood and I never feel satisfied. I asked him for tips to deal with crushing loneliness and panic attacks and stuff like that, but I never receive real answers. When I asked for help with my suicidal thoughts, he just said that it's never an option and that's it. That's the only answer I got. When I asked for help with cutting, the only answer I got was that if I even tried to cut again, I'd lose him.

Like. Is that really how therapy is supposed to work?

Half of the time we just while time away, talking as if we're friends and I mean, it's a paid session. We're not very financially well off right now, what with the pandemic and everything, and we're paying him 2000 INR a week. It's a lot for us because we ain't exactly rich. That's like 10,000 INR a month.

I try to talk, I'm told that I don't stop talking and don't let him speak. When I don't speak, I'm not speaking enough. I dont feel comfortable anymore in a way that I think I should be with a therapist. I have recieved more helpful advice from actual PhD psychologists who are making videos on dealing with narcissism on YouTube. I feel more understood by them than I ever have with him. So many times I have left the session crying and hours later I'd still be stifling tears. So many times I don't feel heard and I feel like if I told him something he'd be angry. Sometimes he snaps and is like way too straightforward and it just doesn't do well with me. He doesn't support a lot of stuff that I support, like anti body shaming, especially for overweight people and stuff like LGBTQIA+ too, really. I'm mocked in an underhand way if I express that I support stuff that he doesn't really like. It's not straightforward but... I can't shake the feeling.

I do sometimes look forward to the sessions, if only because I'll have someone to talk to...but that's pretty much it. I'm not getting anything out of this. He claims that no one will understand me the way he does, and he keeps comparing my life to his, which I don't like. He says that in a way he and I both very similar and he relates to me and then proceeds to tell me about events in his life. He says that I'm his favorite client and now a good friend too, but I feel like that's not how it should be. And I do make an effort to listen to him tell me stuff about his life but...shouldn't it be the other way round?

Now I'm not saying that he is a bad person. I have loads of my own issues too; severe depression, crippling anxiety, overthinking every freaking thing, I'm like 100% sure I have complex PTSD from this childhood trauma, constant pain everywhere, crazy headaches, flashbacks, nightmares, hallucinations sometimes, and major emotion repression. I'm dealing with a million and one things right now and yes that might be causing me to feel worse about this situation than I should. I admit that I'm not exactly thinking about this in a diplomatic way...but somehow it doesn't feel right, and hence this really long post.

If you're still here, thank you so much. Your reading this is doing something that means a lot to me. Truly.

He exercises a lot, and he gave me a whole schedule to follow with the meals I should eat and the exercise I should do and somehow I never feel like I'm doing enough. If I miss out I can't tell him because he always reprimands me for messing up. I dont feel comfortable about opening up and then he forces me to do that and then when I do I don't feel better.

Lately, we'd been talking about how I need to tell my parents to their face what I feel is wrong with their actions, and how without that happening there's no point to our sessions anymore. Straight up went that if I don't talk to them on this Sunday, then we're not going to have sessions anymore.

I tried explaining to him many times how my mom will never change, how I don't want to enrage them further, how I don't want to give her more information on my life that she can use against me again...but no use.

He insisted over and over again on how she has no idea what she's doing to me, and if we just talked it out, my whole situation will be fine. This is just a huge misunderstanding.

I tried so hard to make him understand that that's not how it works for her, she doesn't want to resolve things and she'll just jump at the first chance she gets to use all my information against me, but no. I tried telling him that I have talked to her before and that I also used to think that if I just told her what they were doing wrong, then they would understand and mend their ways, I mean it took me YEARS to convince myself that it was never gonna happen! I tried it so many times and everytime I fell for this trap and everytime I regretted it but he doesn't get that! At all! That they're never gonna change!

Instead of helping me get over them, instead of telling me how to move on, instead of helping me grieve over my entire childhood... he was forcing me to talk things out with them, because if I didn't tell them I would be keeping it inside me and letting that fester would be bad.

I agree that it's not healthy for me to keep things to myself, which is why I talked to him right? And the things which are troubling me cannot be resolved with them because they refuse to change their ways!

The only thing that would come out of that family discussion is me at a disadvantage and them at an advantage by having all the latest scoop on my life and then have my mom (who is a doctor who has also done a course on CBT) psychoanalyse me even more than she does now. I'd be tailed harder. It will get worse and I know it. I've seen it and I promised myself that I would never make the same mistake of opening up to them honestly ever again. And here Sam wanted me to that very thing.

And I agreed initially, I tried convincing myself that maybe it'll work out and after all, Sam will be defending me and everything (even though he did say he would support them if he found them correct) but I didn't feel good about it. I remembered that a therapist is supposed to make you feel more at ease and let you take your own time to process through things and never force a client to do something if they had doubts about it.

And so I texted him today, and I refused. He said we won't have any more sessions, but I said it's fine. Because I don't want to go to him anymore anyway. I think I would rather have no one to talk to, than have someone belittle my experiences and just overall make me feel worse than I did when I first entered the session.

There's more stuff that was related to this, and if you guys want to know something before making your judgement of this situation, please please please ask me, message me, but please just have a bird's eye view on this whole thing and tell me if I made the right decision...please.

I would really appreciate some feedback right now.

Thank you so,so much for sticking with me till the end of this post. It means the world to me, honestly. I couldn't thank you more.

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retphienix · 3 years

Text

There are so many fucking games I want to play for the blog and I hypothetically have the time, but the energy, the attention span, the drive?

In more positive terms here are some various titles I plan to give a shot for the blog.

Let's do a 5am state of the blog kind of thing to clear some thoughts, eh?

Morrowind (Current Game ramble)

For the moment the blog is more or less on break with me playing Morrowind ""For the blog"" but mostly for me, because that's just a game I've wanted to explore. Not that every other game on the blog isn't that, just that I looked at Morrowind and said "That'll be a terrible game to present naturally. That's a stream game, or a condensed video, not a liveblog" and then did it anyway.

I'm loving Morrowind! Honestly the sense of mystery, fantasy, and adventure is just chef kiss levels of perfect to me.

But it's terrible in a photoset, I'm not particularly interested in doing another format for the game, and it's a game with less 'intense narrative themes!' and more 'Incredibly different game design compared to modern Bethesda' in terms of discussion material and let's all be real here:

We're all fucking tired of that conversation lol.

So there ain't much to talk on in depth, it's more of a "Here's a newbie seeing new things!" playthrough with nothing to talk about after the fact, which ain't a strong point for the blog- again- that's a stream/video kind of thing.

ANYWHO- Morrowind fun, about the only news I can offer on that series is that it might abruptly end and become a 'for me' series because I'm not particularly interested in beating the game nearly as much as I'm interested in exploring aimlessly and seeing what happens.

I'm not playing Morrowind for the end goal of beating the main quest, or beating the DLCs. I'm playing it to wander into caves and find new pants, so if I reach a point where I'm satisfied with what I've shared and my motivation has not borne a new end goal then I'll end the live blog and move on to a new game :P

Backlog

The short statement I'll make is that this blog is a hell for my backlog.

Even without infinite money on hand I've ended up with so many physical and digital games just sitting here waiting to be played either because they caught my eye or because of recommendations by various people over the years.

I keep sitting down, cataloguing my backlog, realizing it's pointless to catalog, deleting it all, and then starting over yet again.

The fact is, if anyone recommended it it's probably still sitting in a text document somewhere, or physically on my shelf, and I don't remotely know when I'll get to it.

I've yet to hit the point where I decide to turn this blog into work, so I have never sat down and gone "Well, Retphienix NEEDS to post! Sit down, 8-12 hours minimum, let's play the next game!"

And part of me wishes I'd do that, but the fact is this isn't a job. There's no money here, there's the opposite even! I don't remotely see it that way, but if you squint and tilt your head I've spent a lot of money on this blog over the years.

Capture devices (a lot of them!), consoles specifically bought for the blog, controllers out the wazoo, I've gone through multiple computers for this thing, and the games, my lord the games- so many games.

And that's fiscally, what about manpower? So many hours have gone into this blog, so many hours poured into the background of making all this work, researching shit, putting my all into formulating my opinions clearly for posts, writing, hell video shit even though it's mostly clips as my one step into edited content became an impromptu awkward hiatus from doing more lol.

What was I on about.

Despite all that nonsense, Retphienix is a passion project. Not a job.

If I lack the passion in some sense then the work doesn't get done "just for the sake of the work". And I don't mean lost passion as much as "No motivation on x day; tired on y day; interested in doing something else on z day" etc.

If things aren't clickin' I don't force it, so the blog has all this backlog and isn't put together in a way that facilitates burning through it quickly.

I do sometimes wish things were different though, I know I'd still enjoy such a playstyle, but I can't justify "faking it til you make it" in a format that literally isn't built to pay and was never intended to.

I can't work myself for nothin'.

Hypothetical "Next" games

While the backlog is a wild wasteland of titles, there are some that just kinda guarantee their spots sooner rather than later.

Yakuza 6 and 7 along with Judgment, obviously. The series is one of my all time favorites and I generally have some of my absolute most fun on the blog side of things with those games, so it's a winner on two fronts. It's just fun to react to, post out of context things for, and talk with other fans about and for whatever reason tumblr has a healthy enough fanbase for the series that my meager blog gets some attention there.

Dragon Quest has a strangely weighted chance all things considered. DQ has many of the same advantages as Yakuza- it's a series I adore, it's fun to talk about in this format, and the fandom is big enough to occasionally spill my way making the blogging experience a bit more fun. It's also a series where I don't know what'd come next to be fair. Probably DQ4? I mean, might as well continue on from that point since I have 1-3 done. I can't exactly justify replaying the entirety of DQ11 no matter how much I want to! Turning on the games above gave me DQ goosebumps which kinda settled how likely it is to show up sooner rather than later, lol.

Jeez. I looked at one of my surviving lists and that's like all that's popping out at me.

Other series feel like giant leaps with no gas in the tank, like do I want to start playing Kingdom Hearts? Not really, not right now. Do I finally play Lisa? Eeeeeeh. Persona? Hmmmm.

I haven't the fuzziest. There are so many one off interesting titles, but if the drive ain't there they might as well be textbooks.

Perhaps instead of any major next game I'll just do some afternoons exploring random titles for a bit here and there with no intention of beating em.

The idea is enticing as hell, but the feeling of not giving the game's a "real shake" feels bad.

We'll see. The only certainties seem to be Yakuza and DQ, as much as I'd prefer far more.

Side project hypotheticals

Outside of the basic live blog stuff I'm still interested in exploring scripted stuff. Mostly to prove to myself that I can overcome some anxieties and break from the meandering pace the last effort gave- I can write! That much I know! So just gotta trick myself into writing for a video and then make the video after the fact lol.

Current thoughts are on a video exploring the monster taming sub-genre. It's a genre near and dear to my heart, and one I know some weird things about as is- but mostly it's a genre I KNOW I know very little about despite that, so I'd like to give it an overall look, or perhaps just explore some random entries, I haven't a clue lol. I'd mostly like an opportunity to talk about some interesting entries in the genre, things like explaining my adoration for DWM while explaining how the flaws make it really rough today, or the interesting mash of genres that is Lost Magic, or the more modern take that mashes idle-like mechanics with Siralim Ultimate.

Won't lie, playing the demo for Monster Hunter Stories 2 threw a wrench in that plan because it made me want to talk about it and how the genre might have a new breath of life after really grinding to a halt as pokemon became what it is today, but all to be seen or not lol.

As far as other things like streams? Not really.

The concept of writing a bit more on games is tickling the back of my head lately, but that mostly just means "more posts that aren't live-blogging" as I haven't the fuzziest where I'd share such nonsense.

Really it's all up in the air as far as retphienix content is concerned, beyond the live blogging obviously.

5am closing

It's fun to explore what games have to offer, both on the individual level, the personal level, and as a whole- as a medium.

So I like Retphienix.

And I like all I've made here.

I hope to continue for a long, long time- no matter what future formats might look like.

#Retphienix

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