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cozycottagetarot · 3 months

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The Next Chapter Of Your Life

How To Pick A Pile:

Everyone has their own technique for choosing a 'pile'. My recommendation is to clear your mind and focus on each image for a few seconds. The image you find yourself coming back to even when you focus on the other images is the pile for you.

Quick notes on this reading:

It's a long one -- This reading is a lot longer (I think) than what I typically post. I'd appreciate any feedback on the length since it's something I'm experimenting with. The pile titles are colour-coded -- Hopefully, it helps make scrolling to the next section quicker.

Each pile references multiple scenarios -- some scenarios came through stronger than others, but I did my best to write what I was getting to be applied to situations not mentioned.

‼️ THIS READING IS MEANT FOR SELF-REFLECTION AND ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY -- While this reading does contain a bit of advice and reflective questions, IT'S IN NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM MEANT TO REPLACE PROFESSIONAL ADVICE OF ANY KIND. Please use your discretion, think carefully before you act and only take what resonates be it a little, some or none at all. (The usual disclaimer is at the bottom).

Reading Masterlist | Patreon | Paid Readings -- Open 🥂

PILE 1 (Scrapbook)

Who are you? Cards: The Poet, The Founder rev, The Queen of Roses

This pile may be the pile for you if any of the following resonates:

Wanting to connect or being very connected to your loving, nurturing and supportive side. You've been receiving messages or sensing that a new connection is on the horizon. Motherhood/parenthood or marriage. Seeking resolutions to a relationship. Leaving behind relationships that have been in your life forever. Giving too much to others. Ending toxic relationships. Finding or wanting freedom. Finding your voice. Finding you. Tapping into your creative side. A quest for happiness.

If none of these individual sentences resonate feel free to check out a different pile.

Who will you become throughout this next chapter? Cards: The Muse, The Gambler

You will begin to bloom. Maybe not fully, but you’ll be more open to taking the necessary steps (which may feel like risk) to flourish. The end result will be you tapping into your creativity and creator energy. But also putting in the work, and changing your approach. I pulled all the cards at once so being able to take in all the cards at once, it’s this sense of making you happen. Gone will be the sense of being who you think you should or are expected to be. You’ll be gaining a new sense of self that is brighter and more wild. The risk is non-existent. It’s more perceived. It seems like a risk to indulge in the aspects of yourself that may seem like they’re more whimsy, but by actually making those things happen, you will transform into someone who can inspire themself. You won’t have to look for inspiration elsewhere, you’ll have it there within you.

How will you find success? Cards: 3 of Keys (The Chess Game), The King rev

Through changing your tactic. This chapter won’t necessarily be easy. There will be conflict with those around or above you, especially if this relates to career or relationships, possibly even both. Detach from the situation and be objective. Waiting for your opening will be the key to your success. For some, it’s a situation where everyone is only looking out for themself and I’m picking up that it's creating a stalemate. With the king reversed, you know what’s best in the situation but someone with more authority than you or a level of seniority if this is a personal relationship thinks they know better but they don’t. It’s about being firm and holding your own as well as not letting your emotions, or the part of you that’s super connected to the situation, get the best of you and influence you to make rash decisions.

Challenges you may meet: Cards: The Astronomer, The Orator, Reflection rev.

I see the biggest challenge here for you being one of mastering yourself in this next chapter. There’s a battle between your emotions and your intuition. To navigate this you need to have a conversation with yourself and determine why you’re having such strong emotions. Where are these feelings stemming from? The astronomer card is here to remind you that whatever the situation is, it’s not really about the past-- it’s not going to help you navigate this chapter. Especially if you’ve been acting according to what’s expected of you when the current/upcoming situation(s) requires you to do what is true to you. I hope I'm not repeating myself too much here, but the challenge becomes exploring the why behind the emotions so you can better make decisions and listen to your intuition. BUT, keep in mind that it doesn’t mean not to listen to your emotions at all.

Another message here is that working with other people may also show up as a challenge. There's a reminder to listen to other people's perspectives but also know that choosing to hear someone’s POV doesn’t mean you have to absorb it as yours either.

Finally, even when it gets tough, don’t doubt yourself. Take your time. It may seem like you have to have it all figured out and know what to say and which decision to make, but not really. It’s easy to feel that way when it feels like everything is at stake, but again, if you feel that way, pause and ask yourself why? Once you have your why, you can take on the world.

Lessons To Be Learned: Cards: The Painter, 8 of keys (the master artisan)

This definitely feels like it relates to career or passion projects, but of course, just adjust to your individual situation. It may or may not mean anything, but your cards have lots of florals.

Your lessons in this next chapter of life relate to learning to connect with yourself, speaking up and putting yourself out there. Your energy is one that makes me feel like you have such an amazing talent you're hesitant to embrace. You have so much to learn and just as much to offer... this is the beginning of that journey. Don’t be shy. There are opportunities out there waiting, you just have to figure out the way to pursue them that is most authentic to you. Even if it’s simply an opportunity to give love and kindness. I know I focused a lot on career and creativty, but this goes for relationships too. There is a lot of heavy energy covering this beautiful light-hearted one that just wants to break free. If you are considering going into teaching or taking up a teaching opportunity (not necessarily even in a formal education system) or enrolling in a course of some kind, I feel like this is a nod to say go for it. Especially pottery or beadwork? Trade work as well, maybe even culinary school or food-related skills. (I could be projecting there on the culinary aspect though as that's what I did and the imagery on the card reminds me of it).

Advice to take with you in this next chapter: The hound and pear (loyalty) — This card is always a bittersweet card whenever I see it. The message here is one of loyalty and friendship. A new relationship (of any kind), one founded on friendship, is precious but also delicate. Don't make irrevocable decisions based on conclusions. It must be treated with care on both sides because it can be damaged easily.

The deer and oat (healing) — Rest and recharge. Moderation and mindfulness are also key for recovering from difficult or intense situations. Ask yourself, how you can rest and nurture yourself?

The snake and fern (starting over) — it’s time to finish breaking free from the past so you can become something new. So you can return to your true self. What has protected you and brought you to this point? Are you in a position to release it? Are there any parts of your past self that you can regrow from (like snipping off part of a plant that may be unhealthy and leaving the rest so it can re-catch itself, not sure why I picked that analogy) or must you grow anew? (Planting a new seed, from the old plant. The essence is still there but a completely new plant will grow)

If you made it this far I appreciate it. Feedback is welcomed and if there's a topic you'd like me to cover in a pac, feel free to let me know!

Pile 2 (Compass)

If you’re drawn to pile 1 feel free to check that out as well.

Who are you? Cards: The Oracle of Delphi, the Sentinel, the Forgotten

This pile may be the pile for you if any of the following resonates:

Intuitive. Connected to a higher power. Diety work. Past lives. Psychic powers. Perseverance. Fighting back. Confidence threatening to become arrogance. Dominance dancing on the lines of domineering. A force to be reckoned with. Someone who's sometimes brash. Amor fati (love of fate). An academic. Dreamlight Valley. Self-esteem issues (past or present). Someone who was looked past and from it learned not to try. Fear. Anxiety. A lost soul stumbling in the dark. Chaos. Morally grey. *You may be an avid reader or enjoy fantasy media as well.

My Overall Impression: You’re a force to be reckoned with and reckon you will. Your energy is just pure power and chaos. I low-key feel like you’re battling with life/the universe (call it what you prefer, that’s just how I prefer to call it). There’s this energy of "Try me" and the universe is like "I got one for you, watch and see". But there’s no malice. I just get fed-up vibes from you and the response from life is like "Okay 👀, but chill." Enemies to lovers with life itself.

Who will you become throughout this next chapter? Cards: The Ark of the Covenant, Beith — Birth, The Queen, The Assassin

The Queen and The Assassin flew out with such fury! You’re going to become someone worthy of wearing a crown. But it comes at a price, though it’s not one you can sit around and sulk about. The next chapter of your life reminds me of being forged in fire. Now you’re stepping into the role and identity of someone who can achieve your goals. It’s dark at times, but you’re gaining the skills to do what you want to do and I get the feeling this "thing" you're meant to do is one you may feel on a deep or soul level. (It is) fulfilling a higher calling or purpose. At the very least, you’re becoming someone who has decided that this is the last time they repeat a cycle.

You’re working towards something more and it feels like by the end of this chapter, you’ll be granted a brief reprieve. There’s still more work to be done though. You’re stepping into a new era where so much will grow from you. For some of you, a new romantic relationship is coming in and/or you're expanding your family-- that includes found family as well.

How will you find success?

Cards: 4 of Roses (views of the ego) the Witch. Rev

The first message that comes through is that your success lies in cutting someone off. Someone selfish and self-absorbed to be exact. It’s a relationship you’ve stayed in too long... they could have had some kind of hold over you, not necessarily in a controlling way, but they could have meant something on a deep level which could have been why you held on. You may have done a lot you’re not happy with because you’ve done it with this person in mind. Cutting ties with them grants you success as it allows you to focus on what’s truly important to you.

The other message with the witch reversed is the importance of remembering that while you’re forging your own path, it’s okay to look to others who have made it or 'gotten out'. Maybe they haven’t gone through the exact same thing, but it doesn’t mean there isn’t wisdom in the stories of others who’ve forged through and paved their own way as well. Pile one was about breaking away from the expected, but you’re being called to review what is expected and see if there’s anything worth considering. Kind of like shopping around for inspiration? You might come across someone else's story and it might spark an idea within you on how to navigate your own.

Challenges you may meet-- Cards: The Tailor Rev, The Scribe

Your challenges in this next chapter involve trying not to force your will upon the flow of your life and refining your focus. I know, I said forged in fire. There’s an imbalance of sorts... instead of firing and hoping you hit the target (your goal), you need to pause and take a good look at what’s working vs what isn’t. The 'wheel of life' worksheet/exercise comes to mind but I personally hate that exercise so much. I bring it up because it allows you to get a visual of what areas of your life you've been focusing on vs neglecting and pinpoint which areas of your life you’re lacking in. From there you can further assess and gain a better grasp on what you should be focusing on. After all, you can do anything, but you can’t do everything.

With the scribe, you may need to study or fine-tune your skills regarding a specific matter more. Here, there's something you need to learn to influence your life in the way you want, but you have to take the time to figure out what it is that you need to learn. It doesn’t have to be formal learning either. It could be something such watch a YouTube video, reading a book or article, or even taking a free online course or masterclass. Nothing is too big or too small here, as long as it's helping you to develop to get from point A to B.

Lessons To Be Learned:

Cards: 8 or scrolls (path unknown), the diviner, the puppeteer

The 8 of scrolls here reminds you that you’ve been travelling on a path where you know the outcomes, but to get to where you want to be sometimes requires walking down paths that may mean you don’t know what’s going to happen until it happens. At the same time, that’s how opportunities we didn’t know we needed arise. In the card imagery, there’s a basket next to the girl filled with scrolls, the same type of scrolls pictured in the scribe card. I think for you it’s learning the skill or information I mentioned that is going to help you feel more confident and assured on this path you’re following. You’ve got the energy of the queen archetype (regardless of gender), and though it may be a challenge, you’ve equipped yourself with the skills necessary to go after what you want. You’ll have what it takes 100% to move on to the next phase (after this one we're talking about).

The Diviner is about divine timing and evaluation. Here you’ve done all that you can with what is in your control. What’s left now is waiting for your desires outcomes to come to fruition. While you can’t rush or force things, you can make sure you set yourself up for success when you get it. So let's say you're waiting on receiving a sum of money, in the meantime you can learn/brush up on the skills to manage money etc.

Finally with the puppeteer, mending relationships could also be a lesson. Although I think it’s more about learning to interact with others better? But also remembering that sometimes apologies can mend relationships and other times they can’t. Going back to that relationship mentioned way before, it could be a matter of "are you willing to forgive the other person if they were to apologise and see the error of their ways?" (Though with the type of person mentioned that may be unlikely but, who knows).

Another possibility with the assassin card is that you may ruffle feathers at some point, so you may learn the power or limits of an apology in that sense as well.

Advice to take with you in this next chapter:

The Finch and Peach (romance) — romance is on its way to you. Things to ponder on could be: do you feel ready to welcome love into your life? What are some things that make you feel loved/how do you like to receive love?

The Marten and Foxglove (mischief) — this card asks you to stay open to opportunities that allow you to tap into your playful side, be spontaneous or travel. Ask yourself how can you make room for spontaneity? (It could be through trying new foods, reading a different genre, visiting a place you wouldn’t typically visit, changing up your daily routine etc). Also are you at a point where you can open yourself to new adventures, big or small?

The Boar and Pumpkin (confidence) — You’re not wrong to be confident in yourself, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Take a moment to acknowledge your accomplishments and think about what you’ve done that you’re proud of (doesn’t always have to be tangible, it can also be mindsets, situations you’ve walked from etc).

The Snake and Fern (starting over) — Again, if you were drawn to pile one, I suggest you check that out. Here this card nods to beginning a new and asks you to see if there are any parts of yourself you can return to, or if it’s time to completely start anew and discover yourself from scratch.

If you made it this far I appreciate it. Feedback is welcomed and if there's a topic you'd like me to cover in a pac, feel free to let me know!

Pile 3 (The Trunks/Suitcase)

Who are you? Cards: The Smith, The Twins, The Lookout, The Askashic Library, 3 of Forces (Bird’s Nest)

This pile may be the pile for you if any of the following resonates:

The overthinker. Having a twin or prominent Gemini placements. If you're considering something you’ve been wanting to do for a while but keep putting off. A relationship with someone in which you both started on the same path but they went in another direction. Holding onto resentment. Feel like everything is up in flames. Writing. Seeking self-awareness. Manifesting. Intuitive. *Read that book you’ve been meaning to read. Needing a backup plan. Expanding. Hopeful prospects.

*If this doesn't feel like your pile, and you were eyeing pile 4, definitely check it out. This pile was actually the last I pulled and the hardest to read for and it felt like many aspects of it related to other piles as well. I recommend checking out a secondary pile in general if you were drawn to one.

Who will you become throughout this next chapter? Cards: The Waker, The Runaway, The Warrior (Sorry, I forgot to write down some of the cards 🤦‍♀️, I believe it was 'Fated Meeting' and 'Queen of Scrolls')

You’re becoming someone who is becoming centred/aligned and more intuitive. Your internal world and external world are going to become more connected. Connected to your ‘higher self’ as well, it’s going to be you vs you (levelling up). You’re going to become someone who can face the things you’ve been running from head-on.

That thing you’ve been putting off, you’re going to be able to finally put into action. Coming into being filled with inspiration, clarity and direction. This is especially if you’re considering careers/education, or projects in the fields of writing, publishing, marketing, communication, counselling or teaching. If you’re seeking a mentor, this person could help guide you to becoming this way. It could also be someone in your life already that may help you who is in one of these fields.

For a select few of you, you’re becoming the version of you that was meant to meet your person. If it’s not a romantic partner, then you’re coming into contact with a soulmate (meant as someone you have a ‘soul bond’ with).

Where Will You Find Success? Cards: 4 of Keys (Clearing The Way), Reflection, The Cartographer rev, The Weaver

If you find yourself prone to many different avenues of ideas and project but never settling on one, you’re going to find your success through settling on one thing and focusing on it. It’s time for you stop buckle down and stick with one of those brilliant ideas of yours and make it happen.

Also while it may be time for you to focus on one thing professionally or creatively, when it comes to yourself, it’s time to embrace all the pieces of you that seem random. It reminds me of this post I saw a couple of days ago about how we don't have to force ourselves fit perfectly into an aesthetic... that it's okay to have and embrace parts of your personality that are completely left field of the other bits that go hand in hand. So for some of you, maybe it’s time to embrace all the pieces of you that don’t go together neatly. Maybe that’s why you have these ideas and start them and then ditch them, because you’re a multifaceted being and you’re not allowing yourself to be so and that is the way it manifests in your life? Maybe it’s time to learn how to let all the sides of you coexist without getting lost. Food for thought maybe?

Regardless, it’s time to remove distractions that are holding you back. Tap into your intuition. Become more aware of your emotions. There's a sense of self-mastery is needed here.

Challenges You May Meet? Cards: The Pathless, The Miser, 1 of Scrolls (On Track), Up In The Air, 6 of Forces (The Waterfall) rev

Your challenges kind of relate to the things that were mentioned already. Being in your head, overthinking things, being unable to settle, but also trying to avoid falling into a headspace where you’re being pessimistic and stubborn. Just because you stick to one thing doesn’t mean you can’t shift and adjust your approach. And if you find that you’re really stuck don’t be afraid to just take a step back. If this is all relating to something where other people are giving you their unsolicited advice, don’t be afraid to brush it off and say “Hey, I might have hit a block but trust that I know what I’m doing”. Another scenario is to not internalise any unsolicited advice or opinions because I feel like that could be a trigger for getting lost in your head for some of you.

For overthinking, it'll be about learning to accept that you won’t be able to know the exact outcome of certain things. If you’re working with someone else, then feeling like you are in control or that you have a say may be the challenge. For others, the challenge may simply be making the decision or committing. It could also be coming to terms with the fact that you waited so long to pursue this goal.

Lessons To Be Learned: Cards: The Brawler, The Forgotten, 2 of Roses (The Winged Messengers), Uriel and the Sphinx, the king of roses

With the Forgotten you’ll learn that you can’t be afraid of mistakes. Mistakes help you grow. You'll come to realise how much fear has been holding you back. There's also learning how to make something out of your anxiety. Learning not to run from conflict or maybe how to properly address it could also be another lesson. This could be regarding internal conflict or conflict with another person as I am getting multiple scenarios come up.

Again there's a message here that for some of a romantic suitor specifically coming in. Overall for everyone there’s an important relationship making its way into your life. The mentor shows up as a neutral energy throughout the reading (or balanced feminine and masculine). Their energy is thoughtful, nurturing/comforting and supportive.

Advice — The Goat and Willow (overdoing obstacle) — even though there are losses to suffer, you can overcome them with renewed energy and the right balance. When obstacles appear, prioritise realigning yourself with your goals. You can even get ahead of the game and brainstorm ways to handle potential obstacles before they arise. The Chipmunk and Laurel (success) — Your path to success will be a unique one, one you have to create on your own, but there will be adventures along the way. The Elk and Ash (strength) — Don’t be afraid to fight back when met with a challenge.

If you made it this far I appreciate it. Feedback is welcomed and if there's a topic you'd like me to cover in a pac, feel free to let me know!

Pile 4 (The plane around the world)

CW: Brief implication of strong language

Who are you? Cards: The storyteller, the mascareri, 1 of roses (commitment), 6 of roses (the war of roses)

This pile may be the pile for you if any of the following resonates:

Someone who struggles with the 'self'. You may hide your true self and struggle to accept others' true selves. For you, you could spend a lot of time crafting your persona. For some of you you maybe in positions where you delegate to others or are responsible for others' behaviour (managerial or boss positions). Some of you could work with kids or want to work with kids. Putting on a mask. Neurodivergence. You could enjoy writing or be a writer of some kind. The arts. Struggling with a partnership (romantic or business), trying to balance honouring yourself and their wishes? Conflicted about a relationship. Feeling like there's a battle between your head vs your heart.

Who will you become throughout this next chapter? Cards: 4 of Scrolls rev (The Karmic Trenches), The Patron rev, The poet You’re becoming someone with so much to offer and is still looking to grow. However, people may want to take advantage of that. Becoming someone who doesn’t hesitate and is in love with life. Embracing that life is imperfect. Becoming more vulnerable. Finding like-minded people. Embracing happiness. Tapping into your creative spirit. There could be an ending of some kind, though you didn’t want it, it brought a world full of new opportunities. You're finally breaking a pattern but also having the awareness to know when you’re tip-toeing along the lines of going back. Coming out of the dark. This sense of being healed on multiple levels and being able to finally experience joy.

Where will you find success? Cards: The Astronomer Rev, The Hound, 5 of forces (summer/winter), 7 of keys (The Ascent) You’re going to be finding success through setting long-term goals. If this is about a financial situation especially, then also finding a balance between focusing on what is necessary and not letting the 'wishlist' desires lead you astray. It can apply to any situation in general though. Focusing on what’s necessary and the things you would like to do coming afterwards.

There's also a matter of assessing where your loyalties or priorities lie and releasing habits, relationships, and ideas that are no longer serving you. Loyalty and staying true to your word might be something you value heavily and stand by, but I also see you finding success in this next chapter of your life by realising, you know what, sometimes you have to cut your ties, count any losses and move on because staying is only doing more harm than good. For some of you who have a relationship in mind or the relationship part resonated with you, this is especially true.

Taking action in general will bring success. This chapter could either close out or begin in the summer, or summer will mark an important time for you. With the 7 of keys, your success is guaranteed as long as you put in the work.

Challenges You May Meet: Cards: The Founder, The Shepard, 3 of Scrolls (Setting Your Course), Caught in The Ruins With The Founder, a challenge you might run into is needing to put yourself before someone else who is asking you for your help, although I'm also feeling it maybe asking you to put them first. You might struggle to determine whether or not you should offer them your help. The Shepard urges you to step up and take the lead when others need guidance. However, I think the best question to ask is what kind of person do you have to show up as in order to offer them your support? And also what type of person do you have to show up as to meet your goals? I’d say make a decision on how to proceed based on whether the two can successfully coincide or not.

A lot of different situations come up in this pile— relationships, career/finance, behaviours… but the common theme here seems to come down to mindset. Whatever the situation is that has you feeling trapped, you have to realise that it’s not definitive, even if it seems that way in your head. It seems like a lot of what is going on, and what you have to overcome, is self-sabotage and realising that just because you’ve always done something a certain way or a situation has always played out that way, doesn’t mean it will always be that way. You have the power to change; the challenge here simply lies in picking yourself up and dusting yourself off. There’s so much more out there for you than what you’re seeing right now. If relocating or travelling, especially where you have to cross the ocean, is something you’re hoping to do, then the end of this chapter we’re discussing in this reading might be the beginning of that next chapter in your life.

Lessons To Be Learned: Cards: 3 of Roses (Loving Elementals), 5 of Roses (The Garden)

The lessons here are about having a sense of child like wonder, and learning to find joy and exploration in life. Being able to laugh and play and find inspiration once more. If any of you have been thinking about starting a family (not necessarily right away) then it’s likely that this chapter will set you up for that. If not then I think a matter of legacy here. Being exposed to opportunities to nurture and grow the future you desire.

You’ll learn that sometimes you are the one who has to be the catalyst to change your life. I love this line from the guidebook of my Citadel Orcale cards regarding the catalyst. It says “ You are the bolt of lightning that topples the tower”. If you think about the Tower card in the traditional tarot deck, there’s lightning striking the tower and setting it on fire. Whenever it comes up it talks about upheaval and there’s often a sense of “oh great, something’s about to come **** up my life” but maybe [we] should consider that we’re not always the tower, but instead, we are the lightning. You have to make the decision to do or become something different, even if goes against what you've always known or what everyone tells you you should do.

What’s also important is not dwelling on past mistakes or regrets, it’s about learning from what happened and using it to make a better decision. Stop doubting yourself and overthink until your head hurts. Give yourself some grace and self-compassion. Take your time, changing isn’t going to happen overnight and often times we have to adjust to who we’re allowing ourselves to become.

Advice to take with you in this next chapter:

The Bee and Pomegranate (productivity) rev — If you find yourself struggling with procrastination, don’t be afraid to rest a while before giving whatever it is another go. Consider what makes you productive as well as what you can do to change why you’re not feeling productive towards another task.

The Racoon and Sycamore (curiosity) — The time is now to do some self-exploration. Explore new interests and hobbies as well as take time to think about how you’ve evolved and how you’d like to further evolve.

The Finch and Peach (romance) — Love is on its way to you. (I did kind of feel like it’s romantic love but it wasn't a prominent message in the reading.)

The Bear and Cedar (leadership) — You’re being guided towards leadership opportunities but remember to ‘rule’ with fairness and care. Ask yourself how can you be a better leader? Who can benefit from your knowledge and experience?

If you made it this far I appreciate it. Feedback is welcomed and if there's a topic you'd like me to cover in a pac, feel free to let me know!

*** Disclaimer: All readings and tarot/blog games are for fun and entertainment purposes only. It is in no way meant to act as or replace professional advice of any kind. You know yourself and what’s going on in your life best so I ask that you trust yourself above all else. Finally please take only what resonates from the reading which may be some of it, all of it, or none at all.

#pick a card #pick a pile #pick a card reading #pac reading #pick a picture #pac #pick a pile reading #tarot reading #cozycottagetarot

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animehideout · 4 months

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LOVE IS THE MOST TWISTED CURSE OF THEM ALL

PART FOUR

Gojo Satoru X Fem! Reader

check part 3 here

check part 5 here

a/n: this part is an introduction to a lot of main events 🫶🏻💕

update : Part 5 is now posted

Music recommendation ♪ : Jealousy x Pacify Her (mashup)

- Morning at Jujutsu High -

This was your first teaching lesson, you gathered your 1st year students. All of them dressed in their training fits, standing there carefully listening as you explained in details the use of the weapon you were holding.

“Each weapon has its own purpose, but remember true strength comes from knowledge and skill not agression”, you said,

as you began elegantly demonstrating for them. With a calm demeanor, you began with fluid movements, effortlessly twirling the heavy sword in your hand,

“Ground yourself, it gives you stability and control” you added, as you took a balance stance, grounding yourself.

You showed them how to block attacks, as they observed you attentively. You then started into striking techniques,

“Always target the pressure point of your enemy” you said smiling as you easily sliced in half the training dummy.

Your skills definitely impressed your students who were watching you, their mouths hang open, and definitely struck a nerve within Satoru who was silently sitting in the stairs, watching you teach.

He hates to admit it even within himself, that you proved him wrong, that you are indeed good with weapons and a good martial arts fighter. He hated every bit of it.

You didn't notice his ghost like presence, you were too busy teaching, giving your all,

“Always remember that Respect, Discipline and Integrity are more important, values are what matter, and without them physical strength means little” you further explained.

“hah values?” said Gojo mockingly, slowly stepping down the stairs joining you in the field.

“oh Gojo-Sensei” said Yuji.

“Before teaching others, why don't you teach yourself..y/n?” he said offensively

Your students' eyes widened in shock.

“I'm teaching Satoru– so leave..please!” you said politely trying not to cause a scene in front of your students after he carelessly humiliated you in front of them.

He approached you, trying to scare you and assert dominance with his huge figure, standing inches away from you. You stood your ground, mind racing with thoughts. What if he slaps you like you did to him last night?

His big hand reached to the sword you were holding yanking it, pulling it and pulling you as well,

“And you speak of balance and control? tch” he mocked.

You kept silent a lump forming in your throat. His hate for you is now public as if both of you aren't married.

“Will you let go?” you said in a monotone receiving a smirk from him “I said. Let. Go”

Gojo did as you said, slightly backing away.

“Have you even been in a real fight or you're just all talk showing off in front of your first year students? remember that even a kid with curse energy is still stronger than you!! bet you would get your ass whooped in a real fight”

“You think so? then why don't you try to prove your point?” you said in a defying tone

“Is it a challenge or a threat?” he cocked his eyebrow,

“Take it however you like..Satoru”

“This Saturday. Right here. We'll see if you can manage to harm me...even a bit” he challenged, involving you into a duel with him.

“Sure but don't be a coward! You better turn off your Infinity” you said trying to sound confident but deep down you can feel your stomach turning and heart racing.

Megumi stepped between both of you pushing Gojo away from you, “That's enough Sensei, y/n sensei is still teaching us”

“Just for you Gumi” he said leaving you all behind, showing his wide smile as if he wasn't literally looking like a demon.

“Are you okay?” asked Nobara worriedly,

“Don't mind him please..he likes to agitate others” Said Megumi

“Yeah I'm fine... let's go back to practice.. each one of you take a training dummy and repeat the movements I had shown you.”

You kept on watching them train trying to take your mind off of your coming duel with your husband, even though you were confident in your Martial Arts skills, Satoru is still the strongest sorcerer around and if he uses his curse energy ....you're doomed.

-Break Time-

You took your plate of food and sat in a table in a corner to eat. You were enjoying your peace until Gojo decided to show up with Mei Mei chatting loudly, they purposely chose a table next to you

“so fucking childish” you muttered to yourself, rolling your eyes and shoving the spoon of rice inside your mouth, trying your best to ignore them and their attempts to get on your nerves.

“So are you coming over tonight?” whined Mei Mei

“Yeah why not” he answered giving his best flirtatious smile.

“Is he cheating?” you thought to yourself, frustration taking over you “Couldn't he at least wait till we divorce”

“I wish we had more women like you Mei Mei, beautiful, strong and skillful” he started, making sure you heard every word.

You knew it was an indirect way to call you weak and talentless.

You hated comparison, you had enough of getting compared to others.

“Oh why would you need other women if you have me” she flirted back

You tightly gripped your spoon, your fingers turning white.

You can't blame him for saying that, despite being your husband he's still a stranger.. after all he didn't even touch you. You couldn't even blame your family for that. Tears gathered in your eyes, blankly looking at your food as memories from your past started to flow.

Flashback

“I just wish you were like your other siblings... strong” said your mom

“Look at them mastering their Jujutsu techniques.. you seriously need to do something about your life y/n” added your father.

Both of them lecturing you about something you literally have no control over.

Locking yourself in your room, crying for hours and blaming yourself for disappointing your clan became your daily habit.

“I'm so sick of myself, I would rather be anyone else rather than being the pathetic me” was what you used to tell yourself everyday before going to sleep.

End of flashback

Comparison did kill you slowly, killed your self-confidence but you grew up to accept yourself for who you are, even became indifferent if your curse broke or not.

But now Gojo brought back your insecurity and your self-awareness and you eagerly wanted nothing more than breaking the curse so you can be a sorcerer like everyone else around you.

And here you are, everyday, patiently waiting for you and Gojo's marriage to do something. Hoping that you wake up and find that the curse that stopped you from being normal fades away.

Crazy how only one person can make you feel disrespected, but are you going to show it? are you going to act weak like what you feel inside?

Hell no!! you're going to keep it to yourself, he can't watch you break down, he can't catch you cry...even if it ripped you to pieces inside, you'll always pretend that Gojo can't affect you.

“Excuse me ..can I sit here?” said a soft voice, waking you up from your trance.

You looked up, your blurry eyes laid on a handsome blonde man standing in front of you.

Gojo eyed both of you in annoyance, waiting for the man's next move. He doesn't want anyone to spoil his plan in making you feel terrible or someone else having your attention.

“S-sure” you stuttered sniffling awkwardly.

“Thank you..Miss” he said and sat so elegantly in front of you.

You started fidgeting with your fingers not sure what to do or say,

“Everywhere else is full of students, I apologize for interrupting your lunch” he said in a soothing voice

“Not at all ..that's okay” you cleared your throat.

“Oh I didn't introduce myself.. I'm Nanami..Kento Nanami.. and you are?”

“I–” you started but got interrupted by no other than Satoru.

“Gojo y/n.. my wife” he answered on your behalf.

Nanami looked between you two in confusion... finally fixating his eyes on you waiting for you to confirm or say something,

“It's y/n..just y/n .. I'm a martial arts' teacher here” you said smiling proudly, extending your hands to Nanami, who gladly shook it back,

“Nice to meet you Y/n”

And Gojo Satoru just watched...

Taglist 🫶🏻

@smolbeanzzz @eolivy @sanriosatoru @khaleesihavilliard @kiki17483 @ryumurin @bookswillfindyouaway @kunikuzushisbeloved @numblytemporary @black-swan-blog27 @sukunasleftkneecap @soulofendlessbook @haitanibros0007 @goldenjoyboyy @tqd4455 @saiyara05 @certainduckanchor @lorako123

@shervinss

@twitabread

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ino-tamukas-baggy-sweater · 4 months

Text

A Second Chance, A Father's Curse - Part 1 (Ryomen Sukuna X Reader)

This is part of my Royal AU, the first I'm writing for it, there may be inconsistencies between each different fic set within the universe including but not limited to which damn clan does Sukuna belong to, but I'm sure it'll be fine :))

also i hope the family tree kinda makes sense, i can make a separate post showing the different clans and their family trees if needed

Warnings: mentions of an affair, brief mentions of abuse but nothing explicit

Word count: 3.1k

When the boy first showed up everything had been good, a new son had been born into the Itadori clan, the royal family was stronger than ever. This boy threatened to bring all of that down simply by existing. Jin Itadori was not known for his mercy, often ruthlessly leading swathes of knights into battles and leaving none alive, but this boy was no ordinary enemy. His own son, illegitimate, but still his flesh and blood. His wife said nothing when he brought the screaming baby into the nursery that was only meant for one, placing him beside Yuji in his large crib.

Kaori Itadori simply accepted what had been given to her and raised the boy as her own, despite the neglect and clear favoritism shown from Jin to his alleged twin sons. The two were almost identical despite the fact they had different mothers, which was how the lie was able to be carried so easily through their lives. Ryomen knew, he had always known, and he’d hated almost everyone for it. The only people he couldn’t truly even pretend to hate were his adopted brothers, and he let everyone know this vehemently, shirking his duties and often hiding away from elaborate dinner parties or balls he did not want to attend.

Yuji’s heart broke for his brother, and of the five Itadori boys, only the eldest Choso knew of the predicament underlying the twins. The youngest, Eso and Kechizu, were born one after the other, three years apart, with significant health complications and therefore rarely appeared in public. The elder three were fiercely protective, especially Ryomen who’d had a taste of his father’s neglect and despised that Jin had turned it on his youngest sons. None of the three wanted to burden their younger brothers, they’d been told that the pair might not live to become adults, so they had always made sure the boys were well fed and happy.

Ryomen suffered in silence. His teachers could not quell his anger, the best sorcerers warned of his growing cursed energy levels, but nothing was ever done. Nothing really could be done. By the time he turned nineteen he was undoubtedly the strongest of the Itadori boys, and his father was adamantly trying to wed him off to a different kingdom. Ryomen didn’t care, the faster he got out of Khoccadia the better in his opinion. He spent his days training in combat with the knights, including the captains of both the Shadow and Blood units, Megumi Fushiguro, and Takuma Ino.

Megumi Fushiguro interested him, the man was his age, his twin brother’s personal bodyguard, and he had the inherited cursed technique of the Zenin clan, the royal family of a neighbouring kingdom. His unit, aptly named the Shadows, were a small close knit group of Shikigami summoners, led by a wielder of the undisputed king of Shikigami techniques. This made him both an outsider and a refugee, having been forced to prove his loyalty a thousand times over, including regaining the trust of the royal family after his technique was revealed during an attack on the kingdom where he had to unleash his power to protect Yuji.

The other captain, Takuma Ino, wasn’t as interesting or close to him, but still a formidable ally and opponent, having first trained under the royal sorcerer Kento Nanami, before his technique proved to be more useful on a battlefield than overseeing curses. Ryomen often found himself sitting with the pair post-sparring, looking out over the training grounds within the castle walls, and asking himself where he would go if he decided to run. He knew he wouldn’t get far, his cursed energy was much too unique, Nanami would be able to find him with no trouble. His only way out would be this arranged marriage, and he had to be sure it was far far away from here.

This is what eventually lead to Jin Itadori hosting a ball and inviting many of the leaders of nearby nations to attend with their daughters, royal, political, and otherwise. Few invites were sent out past the neighbouring nations, but Ryomen had to be sure, so he had insisted under the cover of lies that his father’s orders had the invitations sent further. When the day of the ball arrived, Ryomen was reluctantly dolled up in a luxurious maroon suit, his hair styled with earrings and cufflinks to match. When he met up with Choso and Yuji, he saw they were dressed similarly to him, but Yuji’s suit is a deep pink and Choso’s a dark purple.

“Don’t we just look a treat,” Ryomen huffed, reaching up and adjusting Yuji’s collar slightly. “They were chosen by mother,” Choso looks away and Ryomen finds himself almost apologising. It wasn’t her fault, she was a victim of the system just as he was, but he shakes it off. “You okay?” Yuji mumbles, giving his brother the same outfit once over. The twins had always known what would make each other look the best, Ryomen let him fuss with his hair a little before swatting his hands away. “I don’t think I’ve ever been okay, I can’t wait to get the hell out of here so I never have to see him again,” He growls. Choso checks his watch as they approach the upstairs entry to the ballroom, the laughter and chatter behind it dying down as someone announces their arrival.

“I hope you find someone,” Yuji squeezes his hand for a brief moment before Ryomen can pull away or protest, dropping his hand before the door swings open and the three of them are revealed to the eyes below. Choso in the centre with his brothers flanking, there are smiles of all kinds as they descend the stairs. Some genuine, some scheming, others that don’t quite reach the eyes of their owners.

Ryomen Itadori doesn’t get nervous, but in this moment he finds his eyes searching for Kaori Itadori. She returns his gaze from her place on the ballroom throne and nods once. This party is for him, it’s his ticket out of here, and it almost feels to him like she’s lending him her strength. The strength to do what she never could. When the three of them reach the bottom of the stairs, his brothers disperse into the crowd to find dance partners, and Ryomen finds himself alone surveying what he can see. The only clan tattoos he recognises around the edges are those belonging to the Zenin clan, the Gojo clan, the Kamo clan and that of the Creyarean district, which is a political power and not run by a royal or empirical clan.

There are a few tattoos he does not recognise, he assumes from further out on the continent, and one in particular draws his gaze. A kindly looking couple, king and queen, with matching filagree tattoos over their facial features, most prominent on their jawline, cheeks, across the nose and in the centre of their foreheads. No other family has tattoos that bold, the closest in comparison is the Kamo clan with a jagged X over the right eye, and he finds himself curious as to their origins. “Brother! I’d like you to meet someone,” Yuji’s voice suddenly cuts into his wandering thoughts and he scoffs, “Leave me alone Yuji,” He grunts, but his brother barges into his space, his mouth right next to his ear as he utters the words that could be Ryomen’s salvation.

“Her family comes from miles away, three kingdoms over!” Yuji hisses. His gaze flits to the girl who stands holding Yuji’s hand, looking like she’s just been dragged at a brisk Itadori walk across half the ballroom (Which she had been). His brother drops her hand as he steps back and presents her, “Allow me to introduce Y/n L/n, of the Iqorian Empire,” Unmarried, she does not bear her parents tattoos, but there are two thick black bands around both her wrists which could be a hint at early clan tattoos that don’t decorate the face.

She curtseys and he feels his demeanour soften slightly, taking her hand which still hovers unsure before her to press a light kiss to the back of it. He keeps his face painfully neutral as he studies her features, her e/c eyes traveling back up to meet his. “Lovely to meet you, Miss L/n, Ryomen Itadori,” He introduces himself politely, though he knows that she must already know who he is, given his brother has a tendency to babble. She uses her free hand to fix her h/c hair before giving him a polite smile, “Some party your parents cooked up, is the potential marriage for diplomatic purposes?” She asks. He clenches his jaw slightly, his gaze scanning the crowd as he instinctively pulls her slightly closer.

His father’s face is dark and sinister, his eyes locked on Ryomen but his mind elsewhere, “You could say that,” He replies, “But I would say it’s freedom,” Her eyes widen and he steels himself, she must be able to sense the years of neglect and abuse on him, he knows he reeks of it, but if she does she doesn’t mention it, “I see,” She murmurs, “Well, would you like to dance?” He looks at her like she’s grown an extra head for a moment, but Yuji punches his side and he blinks, “Yes yes, of course, that would be nice,” His words drift away and he becomes eternally grateful for the dancing lessons Kaori forced him to endure as he leads the girl out into the centre of the dance floor.

The night passes by quicker than he would have liked it to, despite stepping into the ballroom like a caged wolf with the taste of freedom on his tongue. He comes to learn from the girl his brother introduced to him that the royal couple he didn’t recognise, with the outlandish filagree tattoos, are her parents, and he is hooked from that moment on. You of course know there is something he is hiding, but his sudden interest in your clan tattoos brings a soft smile to your face as you look over to your parents. They seem to be overjoyed that you’ve caught the attention of the Itadori son up for grabs, but you know there’s more to it considering the fact that he should be the second in line, and yet is being married out of his family into another.

“I am certain we will be seeing one another again, Miss Y/n,” He murmurs as he presses one last kiss to the back of your hand, his fingers tracing one of the black lines on your wrist. You grab his arm before he can turn away, “Ryomen,” You murmur in response, “Sir, are you in trouble here?” He does not reply, his gaze is hard, but you feel a lack of response is enough for you to fill in the gaps.

He’s not welcome in his family, and you’re determined to get him out and then find out why, even if it means ruining any diplomatic relationship Iqoria could have with Khoccadia. You omit the fears you hold close to your chest when your parents demand to know how your night went, they were watching and already knew you were the only one Ryomen Itadori spent his night with. This is a golden opportunity, he is already well known throughout the continent as the strongest Itadori son, he would be a priceless addition to any family, and nobody else seems to be questioning the fact his father doesn’t seem to want him to stay.

A foolish decision, considering the fact his cursed energy swamped the entire ball from the moment he entered the room, just barely discernible from that of your parent’s royal sorcerer, Satoru Gojo, who came to meet with other royal sorcerers in attendance. You are reunited with Suguru Geto, your personal guard and the Captain of the Iqorian Guards, after conversing with your parents. He escorts you back to the room provided to you within the Itadori’s castle for the night, “I take it the night went well, your highness?” He asks as he follows you in.

You find yourself unable to respond, chewing on your thumbnail as you sit at the dresser, leaning your head on your free hand. Lost in thought you don’t hear him approach until his hand is on your shoulder, “What ails you my lady?” “He’s tormented,” You murmur, “Prince Ryomen, he’s trapped, and something is very wrong with this family,” His face reflected in the mirror is one of soft confusion, and you find you can’t hide anything from him. He’s trained you your whole life, and you trust him sometimes more than you trust your parents, he’s like a second brother to you, “I asked if he was in trouble, and I fear a lack of response or denial is enough to ascertain the danger, I must marry him if he is to survive with his humanity intact,”

Geto frowns and grips your shoulder slightly, “I will call for your maids, this stays between us,” He announces, “Sleep well your highness,” “Where are you going?” “To let your parents know I am in full support of this marriage, he’s incredibly strong after all,” His face is sly as a fox and you find yourself speechless, “He’ll be a great asset if we give him the chance,” Once he is gone you find comfort in the knowledge of his support, thus allowing you to slumber in peace.

When the morning arrives, you find yourself swept up in preparations for the wedding, which you find after questioning the closest maid is to be held that very day. His father must be desperate to get rid of him before he becomes a problem, and you’re more than willing to let Kaori Itadori and her maids along with yours fawn over you and dress you in the finest white dress you’ve ever seen. You’re understandably nervous, your parents dropped by only once that morning to tell you what you already knew about the conversation they shared with Ryomen’s parents, but they also said once the wedding was over you’d be leaving for home almost immediately.

This was, surprisingly, not the most shocking thing you’d heard all morning. It fell just behind the fact that it would be Geto and not your father who would be walking you down the aisle, a few of your closest maids acting as bridesmaids. This is to go along with a Khoccadian custom involving the parents of both spouses, while also incorporating the ‘giving away’ portion from Iqorian marriages. Ryomen’s mother wraps her arms around you quickly outside the throne room before she pushes a bouquet of red roses into your hands, tears in her eyes, “Take care of him,” She whispers, her eyes intense and so full of sadness you think you may cry too. You nod, words escaping you as you turn to the throne room, the music floating out at you different to the wedding music back home.

It dawns on you as the doors open to reveal you to the crowd that you don’t know Ryomen Itadori. You don’t know his favourite food, you don’t know his favourite hobbies, you don’t know what he likes in a partner, you don’t even know what his relationship with his brothers is like. It’s too late to wonder, as you clutch the bouquet in your hand and link your other arm with Geto who has just appeared at your side. His presence helps to calm your nerves, but you’re still antsy as you approach the front of the room where Ryomen waits for you, looking equally antsy but for a different reason.

You know he wants out, and you’re his ticket, you just have to get through the next hour of formalities. The crowd is never truly silent during your ceremony, there’s always a low hum of chatter, but it doesn’t disturb or deter the continuance of the ceremony. You can feel Jin Itadori’s eyes on you almost the entire time and you endeavour to ignore him as best you can, focusing on the feeling of Ryomen’s hands in yours. You take the time before and during vows to study his face, the way he scrunches his nose sometimes or crosses his eyes to make you smile. It works, and he squeezes your hands to add reassurance to the moment, until finally you’re pronounced as husband and wife, and without even a second thought or hesitation he pulls you into him, pressing his lips to yours.

You’re breathless, your hands clutching his biceps, barely hanging onto the threads of your discipline before he pulls you into him for a hug, “Thank you, thank you, thank you,” He mutters against your ear, kissing the side of your head as the crowd cheers and his words are lost in the cacophony of sounds. You let your eyes speak a thousand words as you meet his gaze, smiling softly before finally speaking, “You’re safe now,” His shoulders relax as the two of you turn to walk back down the aisle. Once out of the throne room, his brothers are there to greet him, and Yuji hugs him tightly, “Brother…” He murmurs, “Don’t forget us, you understand?” He grips the back of Ryomen’s head and presses his forehead to his twins, “Promise me?”

Ryomen blinks sadly, “I’ll come back for you,” He whispers. The two younger boys crowd between the twins and Ryomen holds them, the taller one seems quite physically weak, and the shorter one has not opened his eyes, but he holds them close. “How does Ryomen L/n sound?” He asks softly, “Fitting?” Yuji smiles, “For you? It’s perfect,” Just before the two of you can be whisked away by your maids, he grabs his elder brother’s hand, “Choso,” He forces the man to look him in the eyes, “Look after them, don’t let them end up like him, or me for that matter,” He growls, “Swear on your life,”

Choso nods, “I swear on my life,” Ryomen nods one final time, “I hope we’re all better people when we see each other again,” He says, words meant only for his brothers that you catch while ushering your maids away from the moment. His hand on your back is the only warning you get before he’s nudging you along the tidal wave of people who head to the main entrance.

A grand exit, the staircase long, carriages await at the bottom, and Ryomen’s freedom. A price paid a thousand times over, a dream finally allowed to come true, and a man desperately clinging to the bare threads of his humanity. The world gives him a lifeline in the form of a girl second in line to her kingdom’s throne, and he finds he remembers why he endured staying alive all those years. His real family, his only family, his brothers - and maybe even revenge.

twins sukuna/itadori lives rent free in my head because of this app so here's my royal spin on it :) I hope you enjoyed

part 2 here!

#jujutsu kaisen #jujutsu kaisen x you #ryomen sukuna #ryomen sukuna x reader #yuji itadori #choso kamo #satoru gojo #megumi fushiguro #kento nanami #suguru geto #jjk x reader #jjk x you #sukuna x reader

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ohtobeleah · 8 months

Text

Bruises // Jake Seresin

Chapter Three: [In The Arms Of The Enemy]

Summary: Both you and Jake come face to face with the man you only know as ‘The Commander’ who you soon find out has very little patience for bullshit.

Series Warnings: Heavy themes of violence, sexual assault, torture. 18+ content. Minors DNI. Mature themes. Being held in captivity. Hostage style situation. Main character death! Whump, Angst. Conversations that discuss antisocial & antisemitism views.

Word Count: 4.6k

Author Note: THIS SERIES IS CONFRONTING, FICTIONAL, AND DEPICTS IMAGES OF TORTURE. DO NOT READ PAST THIS POINT IF YOU BELIEVE THAT THIS SERIES WILL BE DETRIMENTAL TO YOUR MENTAL STABILITY. CURATE YOUR OWN TIMELINE.

Series Masterlist | Main Masterlist

***~***~***~***~***~***~***~***~***~***~***~***~

Every Naval Aviator you had ever known had a shadow. A dark cloud of fear and doubt that followed even the best into the cockpit. Every day you’d pretend like the shadow wasn't there, it's what got you this far, hoping that if you went faster, pulled harder, mastered harder techniques, achieved more, did better, got stronger and knew enough knowledge to rival an F-18 Natop book, that the shadow would give in and give up the chase.

“Hollywood.” But like they say, you can't out-run your shadow. “Hey hotshot, you okay?” Jake's voice was as angelic as an angel's whisper as it cut through the fog in your mind. You weren't sure where you were or how long you’d been out for. But what you did know is that you felt like crap.

Jake watched through the bars of his cell as you made an attempt to get up onto your knees. You'd been lying face down in the dirt of the cell floor. Drooling to the point mud had begun to form where your cheek had been squished against the clay. Inhaling all kinds of nasty things.

“There she is.” Jake beamed as he pressed himself up against the metal bars that kept him from you. “You're okay, just breathe alright.” Jake had been awake for a while now. He’d just been listening, taking in his surroundings before they had shoved you into your cell. Time was hard to tell, but Jake estimated you'd been on the ground unconscious for roughly twenty minutes.

“Where are we?” You asked as you got up onto your knees. It was a little harder to achieve with your hands tied in front of you. The rope itself was pulled tight enough to give you pins and needles, but not hard enough to cut off blood flow completely. “Oh my god where the fuck are we!” It wasn't until you turned around in a panic that you saw it. You let out a blood curdling scream that came from the depths of your soul when your eyes landed on the dead body in the corner of your cell. Still tied up but very much dead.

“OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD GET ME OUT OF HERE!” You cried as you fell back onto your ass and shuffled closer and closer to the bars that kept you apart. You didn't stop moving until your back collided with the metal. “Jake! Jake you have to get me out of here I can’t–I can't breathe!”

“Hey, hey hey–shhh I got you, I've got you.” Jake tried his best to try and calm you down. He’d been looking at that same dead body for the better half of what he assumed to be an hour before they brought you in. “I'm right here with you, okay?”

“Oh god oh god oh god oh god.” It was the only thing you could say as you felt Jake right behind you. He did what he could to try and comfort you, but his own hands were tied in front of him. The same as yours. No matter how much he tried he couldn't squeeze his arms in through the gaps in the bars. He could probably get one, but not two. Not tied at the wrist like this.

“Don't look at her.” Jake cooed, his voice still as calm as ever. Level headed as can be in a time like this. “Hey, Hollywood, don't look at her, turn around and look at me.” He asked softly as he stayed right behind you, right in your ear so you could hear him, so he could make sure you could hear him through the panic. Through the fear. “Turn around and look at me Y/n, just me.”

It took everything you had to peel your eyes away from the woman slumped in the corner of your cell. It took everything you had to turn around and face Jake Seresin as he kneeled on the dirt of his own cell. Face to face with you up against the bars.

“We’re gonna get out of here–” It was a vastly different take on the matter to what you had to say. “I'm gonna get you out of here, I promise.”

“Noone knows where we are, we don't even know where we are.” You sobbed as Jake reached through the bars as much as he could to grip your hands in his. “I'm so scared.”

“I'm scared too.” Jake admitted as he held your hands in his. “But we’ve gotta be smart here alright, you don't show them you're scared because the minute they see you're scared they’ll use it against you.” You understood the logic, but how the hell were you supposed to mask this? “And when they come back, which they will, you don't struggle.” Only then did Jake sound scared. Although he’d told you he was, he didn't sound it. If anything he sounded as confident as he did all the time. “You don't give them a reason to hurt you okay and I promise I will get you out of here.”

All you did was nod as you tried to silence your sobbs. Jake had never seen you cry before, now he’d seen you cry enough for a lifetime. The thought of you being in this situation with him killed him. It was always him, just him. Jake had always flown solo. He’d never gone down in enemy territory before. And he hated that the time he did he took down his Weapons System Officer too.

“Who is she?” You asked softly as you tried to calm down. “The woman.” Jake had had more time than you to try and figure that question out. He had an idea, but he wasn't entirely sure.

“She's a pilot.” Jake answered hesitantly but he knew you'd figured that much out yourself. “I can't see you patch though.” It was Jake's very polite way of asking if you could take a look. He didn't want to ask you out right knowing how much fear coursed through your veins, but when you nodded he knew you got what he was asking.

Jake watched as you stood, using the support of the bars to help you up. Things were so difficult with your arms tied in front of you. Jake did the same thing, he sat on his ass and pushed himself up. Your cell seemed so much smaller than it did a second ago. With Jake whispering in your ear that everything would be alright the dead body seemed a million miles away. Now? Now it seemed as though she was at your feet before you'd even taken three steps.

“You’re okay.” Jake reminded you as he watched you step closer. “I'm right here with you.” It wasn't true, but it was nice to hear. You crouched down in front of her. The woman who was dead in your cell. It didn't look like she had been gone for too long. Her skin was cool to the touch but there was no rotting smell. The smell you think about when you think of dead bodies. “Can you see anything?”

They must have wanted you to investigate, maybe they wanted you to know who it was. Because her uniform looked as if it had been washed, cleaned and dried of the blood they surely spilled over it. Her patches were all still there, including her callsign.

“Dutchess.” You frowned as you looked at the patches and callsign on her uniform. Struggling to understand how she ended up here. “It's Captain Sarah ‘Dutchess’ Hewens.” Jake had heard about the missing Captain that had been reported missing in action just shy of four months ago. You all had. It had been the scuttle butt across every naval station. How she ended up here he’d never know, but you had a theory. “Jake, we were ambushed.” You turned around with fear in your eyes as you rose to your feet. “They had to have known we were coming because the second we were in that canyon they were on us.”

It had all been such a blur Jake hadn’t even thought about it. All he was thinking about was trying to get out alive. He was thinking about his wingman, Rooster. Never once did the thought of an ambush cross his mind. But evidently it had crossed yours. Which made you the best WSO Jake had ever known.

“You think Dutchess tried to trade intel for her life?” Jake asked as he stood by the bars. He wanted nothing more than to be in the same cell as you. He couldn't protect you with bars stopping him from getting to you.

“I think she did whatever she had to do in order to survive.” You said exactly what Jake had just in a more forgiving way. “They knew we were coming because Dutchess told them hoping it would keep her alive, how else would they have known we were coming?”

As you looked at Jake through the bars of your cell and he looked back at you with the same realisation and disbelief evident all over his face, you remembered he was struck on the back of the head.

“Are you okay?” The softness in your voice was a stark contrast to the anger you had just before explaining your theory on the ambush. “Your head?”

“You don’t have to worry about me hotshot.” Jake sent you that signature grin everyone loved. “But for the record? I’m fine.”

“How about off the record?” Jake wasn’t expecting you to care so much. He thought for sure you’d want to kill him yourself for getting you into this mess. But you didn’t seem to pass blame. “I saw what that guy did to you. It must have hurt like a bitch.” It was then Jake let out the smallest of chuckles to himself as he nodded in response.

“Off the record i've got a little bit of a headache but it's nothing I can't handle.” Jake explained as he stood face to face with you at the bars that kept you apart. “What about you? How're the ribs?” There was something about Jake that brought you comfort. If you were here alone you probably would have already given up. But when he looked at you like you were the only light that could guide him out of this hellscape–you couldn't help but to feel just a little special. Even in the darkest of times.

“Yeah, no they’re fucked.” Your complete honesty made the pair of you laugh for just a fleeting moment. With that laughter came a little bit of reprieve, it made you feel even just for a second that you were at the Hard Deck just trying to fit in. It made you believe as you closed your eyes and revealed in the sweet sweet sound of Jake Seresins laugh that you were looking at him looking at you from across the bar.

But then you opened your eyes and you were still in hell.

“They hurt, but like you said, it’s nothing I can’t handle.” Your eyes trailed down from Hangman's eyes to watch as he pressed his lips together in a fine line. He was unsure, unsure if you were alright. Unsure of everything. “How the hell are we gonna get outta here Jake?”

“I don’t know.” He sighed, letting his forehead rest against yours through the bars. “But I promise you I’ll figure that out.” You knew there was no way he could ever really promise that, but still you believed him. “Trust me, you and I? We weren’t born to die. We’re Hangman and Hollywood.” Jake tried to get you to smile as fresh tears began to stream down your cheeks. “Hollywood and Hangmans story doesn’t end in some dingy cell in some unknown territory.”

“When exactly does our story end?” You asked as you felt Jake raise his hands up from in front of him to gently touch your chin.

“After this? Hopefully old and gray in some retirement villages where we can spend our days bickering over the fact that we should have sued for a hell of a lot more than we end up suing for.” That made you smile, it made the corners of your lips turn into your cheeks. “It doesn’t end here.”

Every Naval Aviator has a shadow. And the only way to get rid of a shadow–is to turn off the lights, stop running from the darkness—and face what you fear. Head on.

You had no choice but to face your fears when your smile was ripped right off your face when the wheels of your cell door opening echoed throughout your cell. Jake felt you go stiff, he noticed how you held whatever little breath was in your lungs and he saw how fear took over your entire being.

“Don’t give them a reason to hurt you.” Jake mumbled as he stayed put. He wasn’t leaving the bars. If this was as close as he could get then so be it. He wasn’t moving. “I’m right here.”

“Let’s go.” The Insurgent ordered as you stepped away from the bars and made your way towards where he stood with arms crossed and feet spread slightly. He was built and tall and once again clothed head to toe in black clothing. Leaving you no way to identify the man. “Did you enjoy getting to know your cellmate?” He asked with an evil laugh that would have made the devil himself shiver as he gripped your arm hard. “She was my favourite.” He drew you closer so that you were as close as you could get. He snickered deeply as he inhaled your scent, you swore he could smell your fear. “But something tells me you’ll be a little more fun to torment.”

“Okay Buddy let’s go.” All the while Jake was watching you, he didn’t notice his own guard coming to the door of his cell.

“I’m not going anywhere with you.” Jake argued as he turned around to face the guard. “Where the hell are we!? what are you doing with her!?” It was hard to watch but it happened quicker than you could look away. “Ahhh!” Jake fell to his knees as the guard in his cell tased his side. Sending volts of electricity through his body that he couldn’t fight.

“Jake!” You tried to rush to his aid but the man who had come for you held you back against his chest and placed a rough hand over your mouth.

“I swear to god if I didn’t have orders to keep you alive I’d smear your guts along the walls of this fucking cell.” He hissed before spinning you around only to shove you out of your cell into the hall. “Now fucking walk, I don’t wanna have to tell you again.”

“What are you going to do to him?” Although you were being shoved out into the corridor your eyes wouldn’t leave Jake as he laid fetal style on the dirt floor of his cell. “I asked you a question!” Your insubordination cost you a slap across the face hard enough to nearly crack your neck. Jake heard it, the other guard heard it.

“God I wanna fuck the fire out of this one.” The guy manhandling you snickered at his partner.

“Not yet.” Was all the guy who was towering over Jake replied. You watched with a whine as he brought his leg back only to kick Jake and kick Jake hard right in his gut while he was down. “Take her to The Commander.” Again there was a harsh kick that had Jake groaning in unbearable pain, but all you could do was watch and take in small identifiable features of your captors.

Deep voices, tall, the hand that had wrapped itself around your mouth was caucasian, the size boot of the guard kicking Jake had to have at least been a ten or more. Small, hopefully valuable pieces of a much larger puzzle.

“Is that all you’ve got, big guy?” You heard Jake laugh as he tried to get up off the ground as you were being ushered along. You saw it coming the second his arrogance slips past his tongue. That same taser that had jolted Jake in his side was now pressed into his neck.

“JAKE!” There was no answer, no response or sign of life as you rounded the corner struggling. “Let go of me!” It was everything he’d told you not to do. “Let go of me!” But you needed to fight. “I’m not going anywhere with you!” It was then again you were hit with that same paralytic as before, a sharp sting followed by a quick burning sensation left your vision darkened and distorted before you were falling to your knees.

Unable to move and unable to fight.

***~***~***~***~***~***~***~***~***~

When you’re little, nighttime is scary because there are monsters hiding right under your bed. When you get older, the monsters are different. Self doubt, loneliness, regret. And though you may be older and wiser–you still find yourself scared of the dark.

The room you woke up in was dark and all consuming but just from the smell alone seemed cleaner than the grim covered cell you’d just been dragged from. All at once, all the lights were in—blinding you in bright white light.

“I’m sorry my men had to get so physical with you so soon into your stay with us.” You heard a man speak from the corner of the room. “I’m hoping once we have a chat about what exactly it is you and your comrade are doing here that I’ll be able to tell them to be a little less hostile.” He spoke calmly, level headed.

“Who are you?” You strained against the restraints keeping you down on the chair you found yourself in.

“You can call me The Commander.” Was all he said as he stalked around the room. To your surprise the more your eyes allowed the light in, the more you came to realise he was on full display. No dark clothes, no hidden identity. Just a simple man in a simple suit. He looked well kept, clean and shaven. Like he had just come off Wall Street. “And what can I call you in return?” He asked politely enough as he sat down on the edge of a barron desk.

“Hollywood.” You simply croaked out. He nodded in a sign of gratitude. You were still assessing your situation.

“You and your friend seem to have been flying a little too far away from home don’t you think?” The room you were in smelt of chemical cleaner and notes of bourbon. The bourbon must have been from The Commander himself.

“Well the US hasn’t always been known for keeping within its sovereign borders.” You sighed, still coming to. “Has it.” The Commander chuckled at your wit as he stalked towards you.

“Still doesn’t answer my question Hollywood?” He reminded you as he towered over your still sitting body. He was harsh as he gripped at your face to make sure you were looking up at him. “Why are you here?”

“The google reviews on your accommodation package need some updating.” You answered proudly. “Only reason I’m here is because the reviews said the rooms were bright and spacious.” It earned it a fist to the side of the face. “Ahh!”

“I’m not a patient man.” The Commander explained as he remained towering over you. “I’ll get what I want and I’ll go to any lengths to get it.” He paused as he bent over to level with you. “Just ask Captain Hewens.” The look on your face must have been enough to tell The Commander exactly what he needed to know. That you weren’t so confident after all. “It’s simple, you give me what I want and I won’t kill your friend.” At the mere mention of Jake your heart rate increased enough to send heat racing to your cheeks as you strained against your restraints. “Bring him in.” The Commander ordered as double doors that rivaled something straight out of an asylum busted open.

The two guards, you’d decided to nickname them dumb and dumber, dragged Jake in. They both carried his weight with one arm each as his head slumped and his head hung low.

“Oh my god.” You gasped at the sight of Jake before you. He was beaten pretty badly, to the extent where his face was all swollen and cut up. “Jake—“

“Nothing I can’t handle.” He made sure to let you know.

“Now you see Hollywood, I’m in search of information that might aid me in the process of furthering my reach across the globe.” You weren’t all that focused on the explanation you were being given, all you could focus on was Jake at your feet, lying on his back looking up at you.

“But before we move onto that, I need to know what exactly the two of you were sent here to do.” The Commander walked across the room to pick up a single knife. “And you’re going to tell me just what your government sent you here to do.” The Commander lingered on his explanation as he made his way over to where Jake laid on the ground at your feet, spent and just trying to catch his breath. “You’re going to answer some of my questions and if you don’t I’m gonna slit the Lieutenant's throat.”

“Don’t you touch him.” Sleep. It's the easiest thing to do. “Don’t.” You hissed as you watched the Commander crouch down to lift Jake's head up by his blood stained hair. Jake laughed in a way you’d never heard him laugh before. It was nearly insane sounding.

“Jokes on you, I like having my hair pulled.” You caught the moment Jake sent you a struggled wink before he rammed the back of his head right against The Commander's nose. The crack was unreal—it echoed off the walls as he stumbled back a few steps and cupped at his nose. “But usually by pretty women.” Again there was a wink, Jake's arrogance was shining through the imminent peril the two of you were in.

For a guy who looked as if he’d been beaten within an inch of his life, Jake moved pretty quick. He sprung up onto his feet and swung at The Commander the second he got a chance to.

You winced as Jake tackled The Commander to the ground, the knife in his handle went sliding across the floor in a spectacular fashion, catching the fluorescent light as it twirled around.

“Piece of shit!” It was pure anger as Jake let The Commander have it. He straddled the well kept man’s waist as he landed punch after punch after punch. “WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE!?”

You knew it was over before it even started the second the hospital style double doors opened with a boisterous thud once again. Three men dressed head to toe in dark clothing entered the room with quick haste. One made his way over to you while the other two raced over to where Jake was giving the Commander his all.

Sleep. You just close your eyes and drift away. But for so many people, sleep seems out of their grasp.

You want it, so bad, but you don't know how to get it. How to obtain such a hot commodity.

“Get off of me!!” Jake spat as he was hoisted off the man in the suit with soulless eyes and an empty heart. “Get the fuck off me!” He was made to kneel as his arms were held out. When Jake had actually stopped fighting his heart sank into his stomach.

There you were—strapped to the chair with one of the men holding a gun to your temple. Jake watched as your bottom lip quivered and your eyes welled with tears. You’d cried so many tears.

“I’ll start easy shall I?” The Commander spat blood as he rose to his feet and fixed his suit jacket. “Names, I want both your names.” His tone had changed, The Commander was angry, no doubt about it. “Don’t answer and I’ll kill her right now, right in front of you.”

“Don’t tell them anything.” Jake looked at you like you were the only one in the room. “I’m right here, it’s okay.”

“WHAT ARE YOUR NAMES!”

“I’m not telling you shit!” Jake swore time stood still as he watched the guard behind you move the gun from your temple and fired one single shot into your upper thigh. Your screams could have burst his eardrums as you cried out in shock and pain. The realisation set in quickly that they were serious—it wasn’t just a bluff. Jake and his actions had gotten you shot.

“I’ll give you one last chance to tell me exactly who you are before I blow her fucking brains out right here right now.” Jake's knees felt weak as deep crimson began to seep into your flight suit. This was real, holy shit this was really fucking real.

“My name is Lieutenant Jacob ‘Hangman’ Seresin, and the woman you just shot is Lieutenant Y/N ‘Hollywood’ Y/L/N.” Jake explained as guilt flooded his broken and battered system. He stayed kneeling on the ground before you as your painful cries filled the silence.

“Good.” The Commander was satisfied enough. “Someone run their files, I want addresses, stations, friends and family names, you name it.” He added as he gestured for his guards to let Jake go. “Let her go.” He nodded before the man with the gun lowered his weapon. You felt like you could breathe once again. “Someone get me a suture kit and rubbing alcohol.”

It was all getting blurry, the voices, the room. Blood was pouring out of your thigh at a rate you recognized to be dangerous. Jake moved over to where you sat, now unrestrained. He assessed your thigh before placing his hands on your cheeks to wipe away your tears.

“I’m so sorry—“ It was an apology bathed in the deepest of sympathies. The Commander watched as Jake kneeled between your legs. It sparked an idea inside his mind that would make it a hell of a lot easier to get the information he needed.

“I hope you’ve got steady hands there Lieutenant Seresin.” The Commander snickered as he rolled his cuffs up. “Wouldn’t want your partner bleeding out.” It didn’t take Jake long at all to figure out what was happening, because the moment he was handed the suture kit? He knew he was going to have to get used to your agonising whimpers. “Try not to make her scream too much, I’ve got a fucking headache.”

“I’m really tired.” You mumbled as your head fell forward against Jake's shoulder. He did his best to hold back his own tears as you worked to cup his hand over the bleeding. The other held the back of your head as he turned to kiss your temple softly. “Jake—“

“It’s okay, I’ve got you.” He spoke as softly as ever as the Commander and his insurgents left the clean near sterile room. Leaving just you and Jake behind. “I’m gonna fix you up, don’t worry, you can rest.”

“Mmmm—don’t ever try to be a hero again.” Jake nodded as he let out a painful sob. This wasn’t what he had signed up for. This wasn’t part of the mission parameters.

“Just stay with me Hollywood.” Sleep, it didn’t always come easy. But once you face your demons, face your fears, and turn to each other for help–night time isn't all that scary. “I’ve got you.” It was the last thing you heard before everything went dark. But you felt a comfort, a warm embrace that kept you safe.

Why? Because you realised soon enough that you weren’t all alone in the dark.

***~***~***~***~***~***~***~***~***~***~***~***~

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doumadono · 8 months

Note

Emergency request: I woke up with an anxiety attack, feeling terrible, I'm going through a very hard time in my life, as you may know. how Bakugo, Shoto, and Midoriya would comfort their significant other in this situation? What would they do if their significant other feels nauseous and becomes emotional?

A/N: I'm really sorry to hear that you're going through such a tough time. Remember that you're not alone in this journey – I'm here to support you every step of the way. It's completely okay to have difficult moments, and you're doing the best you can. If you ever want to talk or need a listening ear, know that I'm here to listen without judgment. You're stronger than you realize, and I believe brighter days are ahead. Sending you lots of love and positivity to help you through this challenging period 💕

MASTERLIST

Bakugo

Bakugo may seem rough around the edges, but he's surprisingly attentive when it comes to his significant other's well-being. He'd notice the signs of your anxiety even before you mention it, and, although he's not the best with words, his actions speak volumes.

He'd offer a tight hug, allowing you to bury your face in his chest. "Hey, you're not alone in this, idiot. I've got your back."

Bakugo's determination to make you feel better might lead him to research anxiety management techniques or show you some of his own methods for coping with stress.

He'd encourage you to let out your emotions, saying, "If you need to yell, scream, or just vent, do it, little moron. It'll help you get rid of those fucking emotions you're holding back."

If tears come, he'd awkwardly hand you tissues and mutter, "Quit crying, dumbass." But his eyes would soften, and he'd stay close by, giving you space to let it out.

During moments of nausea, he'd prepare simple and nourishing meals, then present them with an exaggerated "Eat up, it's good for you."

One evening, after a particularly long and challenging day of training, you start to show signs of exhaustion. Your shoulders slump, and your voice wavers as you express your frustration. "I just… I can't believe how tough today was," you admit, your voice tinged with weariness.

Bakugo's initial response is predictable – a scowl and an impatient sigh. "Stop whining," he grumbles, crossing his arms.

But as you continue to talk, Bakugo's annoyance begins to wane. He watches you closely, the crease in his brow slowly smoothing out. He can see the toll the day has taken on you, and his heart unexpectedly softens. "Look," he says, his voice slightly less harsh, "I get it. Training's been a pain in the ass lately. But you're not alone in this." He shifts his weight uncomfortably, his usual bravado faltering just a bit. "I'm… dealing with the same crap, you know? There are days when things get rough for me – yeah, even I have those moments. And, fuck it, I've dealt with some anxiety crap too. I know it might sound dumb coming from me, but I get it. Life throws crap at us, and it doesn't matter how tough we think we are. But you, you've got this. I've seen you handle your own shit, and you're stronger than you give yourself credit for."

You look up at him, surprised by the admission. Bakugo's gaze meets yours, and he looks away for a moment, his cheeks tinged with a hint of embarrassment. "So, just, well, don't give up, you little idiot. We'll get through this together, yeah?"

Later that night, as you two lie in bed, you turn to him. "You know," you say softly, "it's okay to get emotional sometimes. Even for you."

Bakugo huffs, a faint blush creeping up his neck. "Yeah, yeah, whatever, little moron. Just don't go telling everyone."

A small smile plays at the corners of your lips. "I won't. It'll be our little secret."

Shoto

Shoto's calm and composed nature would provide a soothing presence during your anxiety attack. He'd gently take your hand and lead you to a quiet and comfortable space.

"Focus on your breath. In and out. I'm here with you," he'd reassure, his voice steady and reassuring.

Shoto might share personal experiences of dealing with difficult times, letting you know that you're not alone in facing challenges.

He'd hold your hair back as you feel nauseous and need to vomit, rubbing your back soothingly. "Take your time, and don't hesitate to let me know if there's anything you need, Y/N."

Shoto's patience and empathy would shine as he listens to your emotions, providing a safe space for you to express yourself.

If you become emotional, Shoto would gently wipe away your tears with his thumb, his touch warm and comforting. "It's alright to let it out," he'd say softly.

One evening, after a particularly demanding day, you show signs of being overwhelmed. You let out a deep sigh and run a hand through your hair, your tension evident. "It's been a really tough day," you admit, your voice tinged with fatigue.

Shoto's initial response is to sit beside you, his presence calming. He places a reassuring hand on your shoulder and gives a small nod. "I'm here," he says softly. "Take your time."

As you begin to talk about challenges, Shoto listens attentively, his dual-colored gaze unwavering. He offers a sense of understanding through his presence, allowing you to share your feelings without judgment. "I can see how much you've been through," he says, his voice steady. "But remember, you're strong, and you're capable of overcoming this."

Later that night, as you wind down, you look at him and says, "You know, it's okay to express your emotions too. Even if you're the calm one, darling."

Shoto's lips quirk into a small smile. "I appreciate that," he replies, his voice soft. "But sometimes, it's easier to understand others' emotions than my own."

Midoriya

Midoriya's compassionate nature would make him very attuned to your feelings. He'd approach you gently, offering a warm smile.

"It's okay to feel this way, but remember, it won't last forever. We'll work through it together," he'd say, his voice full of sincerity.

He might share motivational stories or quotes to uplift your spirits and remind you of your inner strength.

When nausea strikes, he'd prepare a cup of herbal tea and guide you in taking slow sips. "This should help settle your stomach."

Midoriya would hold your hand, offering comfort and understanding as you express your emotions. "You're not alone in this, and I'm here for you every step of the way."

Izuku would offer a warm hug when emotions rise, his embrace gentle yet full of support. "You're stronger than you realize," he'd whisper.

One evening, after a particularly challenging day at school, you start to show signs of being overwhelmed. You let out a frustrated sigh and slump onto the couch, your shoulders tense with stress. "Today was just… really tough," you admit.

Midoriya's initial reaction is to sit down beside you, his expression full of concern. "I'm sorry to hear that," he replies, his voice gentle. "Do you want to talk about it, Y/N?"

As you open up about your struggles and anxiety attack you experienced, Midoriya listens intently, offering a comforting presence. He nods along, his eyes reflecting understanding and empathy. "I can imagine how challenging that must have been for you," he says, his words sincere. "I know it's not easy, but you're strong," he adds, a small smile tugging at his lips. "And you're not alone in this, baby."

Later that evening, as you prepare to turn in for the night, you wrap your arms around him from behind, saying, "You know, it's okay to talk about your emotions too. Even heroes like you have tough days, right? So next time you'll have a hard time, don't hesitate to open up to me, okay?"

Midoriya's gaze softens, his eyes filled with gratitude. "Thank you for understanding," he replies, his voice warm. "Indeed, even heroes need a shoulder to lean on sometimes."

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mayariviolet · 2 months

Text

I Don’t Smoke.

Pilot/ Episode One of ‘First Love/ Late Spring’

summary:

“So if you need to be mean, be mean to me. I can take it and put it inside of me.” // “I’m stronger than you give me credit for.”

Some letters addressed to Suguru before and after he defected were written by you, still in their sealed envelopes.

══════════════════

cw: angst, no use of y/n, allusions to graphic violence, swearing, suggestive themes (but not really), references to blood, afab ‘reader’ x Suguru (I put the reader in quotations because technically they’re the ones writing the letters), fluff (if you squint really really hard), minor f! reader x Satoru.

a/n: I wanted to try something new! I love you, Geto Suguru! My bad for what I’m gonna do! Also on Ao3.

wc: ~4.5k

🏷️: @tacobellfreshavocado, @jeanboyjean (Reply below to let me know if you want to be tagged in the next chapters!).

September 2007

The day before, he defected…

Dear Suguru,

I'm slipping this under your door because I'm feeling a little exhausted after our last conversation. Even though it's been a while. I know our last argument has been 'solved' per se.

But consider this insurance if I don't wake up in time to say goodbye like I usually do! I've been feeling a little more drained lately; I'm sure you know why. I'll keep writing like this if this mission takes a long time. Although, I know we will talk soon. Good luck tomorrow!

With love,

Two days after he defected…

Dear Suguru,

It still feels weird doing this since we haven't talked like this since we were kids, but anyway. We haven't spoken in a couple of days. It's kind of like when we were kids, too. I guess. I heard Satoru and Yaga talking the other day, but I couldn't fully understand what they said. Only bits and pieces. It's like they cast a curtain in the hallway… haha… I know I'm eavesdropping again (don't tell my parents), but I can't help it! It's hard to get any honest conversations out of anyone here. Yaga is probably on our ass about that assignment we haven't finished. I mean- I'm just waiting for you to do your part. Suppose that isn't too much to ask.

Also, they should have fixed my door if they didn't want anyone to hear! It's still creaking! Maybe when you get back, you could also look at it. I'll probably slip this into your room again. But you don't have to respond right away. Just take your time. I know you've been busy going on all of these missions alone. I'm sorry about that. You're probably exhausted. I don't blame you.

Just know that my door is always open (unfortunately).

With love,

Five days after he defected…

Dear Suguru,

Satoru fixed my door finally! He truly is good at everything. It feels emptier without you here, even though it hasn't been long. But you'll be back soon to fill the void. If you visit your parents, could you tell them I said hi? Mine too. I miss them greatly, but I know our work will make them proud. Satoru has been hanging around my room more, even after some tough training sessions. It's friendly company, but it's not you. He won't tell me why he's always loitering in our my room.

I forgot to mention that he asked me to heal his hand in my last letter. It's strange since he can do it himself, but I digress. It felt… nice to be wanted. Even Shoko seems gloomy! Uncharacteristic for her… Do you think she and Utahime got in a fight? Anyway, she's been helping me with my technique and some hand-to-hand combat stuff! It's a little hard to follow, probably because we train in my room. I wish I were granted a little more space…

Shoko also helped me finish our assignment- we got an A! I hope Yaga isn't too mad, but he's been getting quiet whenever I ask about you. Rather weird, but not as weird as Kento's haircut, right?

They're calling for heavy rainfall soon (according to that sweaty weatherman we liked to make fun of), but at least it's better than the unbearable heat. However, you felt the sting of summer more than anyone.

If you're home, eat more and say hi to my parents! They always tell me how you'll change the world one day.

With love,

One week since he defected…

Dear Suguru,

Sorry about this letter being so close to my last one, but I feel bad. Kento's been avoiding me lately despite not saying anything about his haircut. Then again, he's been avoiding everyone. Do you think he knows what I wrote? Hopefully not. As I write this, I can hear him shuffling back and forth. Inside and then outside. His heavy shoes hitting the stone walkways reverberate in my room.

Haibara, being gone, has started to settle in even though I wasn't as close to him as Kento or you. Is the work we do… is it worth something? It has to, right? Otherwise, you wouldn't be taking so long. This letter is a bit of a throwaway, so don't worry too much about responding.

With love,

One and a half weeks after he defected…

Dear Suguru,

Kento left. The rain is starting to get worse, but it's still manageable. Thankfully, Yaga gave me that empty patch near our dormitory to start gardening. I'm planning on planting some yellow roses, amongst other things. They remind me of you. The cicadas seem to be chirping a little louder every night. Maybe they're having nightmares about Riko, too.

With love,

Two weeks after he defected…

Dear Suguru,

It's been getting bad again. I wish you were here.

Do away missions usually take this long? I can't remember since Yaga has kept me holed up. I forgot to mention that in my last letters. Something about the higher-ups wanting to 'keep tabs on Satoru and me.' It's weird because Satoru can strut around, but I'm just confined to the campus.

However, he is kind enough to get me sweets whenever he heads into the city (he teases me about my sweet tooth, but he's worse!). I'll have to get used to telling him which ones I like before he spends his money, unlike you, who always got it right. I think Satoru just likes to eat my leftovers…

The days are starting to blur together.

With love,

Two and a half weeks since he defected…

Dear Suguru,

I think my technique is getting worse. You'd say otherwise and that I'm only getting better, and then give me a big hug. Is it creepy to say that I miss the smell of your shampoo? Probably. But it was so strong that it burrowed into my senses, like Satoru's six eyes. Since you've left, I'm unsure what to do with my free time.

I hope the break you are taking from school is refreshing. Heaven knows you need it. Hell, you deserve it. The tree we used to read under together is already yellow and threatening to drop its leaves, and the sun is starting to set earlier. Shoko offered me a smoke, and I felt…relief. Maybe I'll start doing that instead of thinking about how you take your tea. Sorry, I know how much you hated the idea of smoking.

My parents stopped answering my calls (they have been for a while). Even writing this feels like a waste, but I know you'll respond soon. Feel free to do it in person. My door is fixed now, but it is always open for you.

With love,

Your dear friend

Three weeks after he defected…

Dear Suguru,

It's been hushed lately. The cicadas stopped screaming, but I haven't. I walk by your room every day. It's weird. I used to get annoyed whenever you and Satoru were loud, especially when we had early missions. I would storm into your room, ready to be angry, but then you would flash me that beautiful smile, and everything else seemed to matter a little less.

Sometimes, I think you guys liked to make me mad on purpose, but I know it was all love. However, in your absence, I realized silence is worse. Suppose you cared, probably not since you haven't answered my letters. Shoko said my RCT has been getting better than before. People keep saying I'm an "asset" because of it. It's stupid because I don't feel like one. If I were, then you would have asked me to come with you. I wish you asked me to go with you.

Your dear,

With love,

Your dear friend.

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October 2007

Four weeks after he defected…

Dear Suguru,

Sorry about the short letter. Satoru is a little freer these days, so I guess I found something to fill the silence. Digimon is cooler than I thought! It's a little hard to understand sometimes, kind of like you. He's been spending more time in my room. I hope that doesn't bother you, considering our last conversation. Then again, we didn't talk much before you left, so you probably don't remember. Please come back soon.

With love,

Your dear friend.

Four and a half weeks after he defected…

Dear Suguru,

I have been missing the way you make me tea. So, I've been desperately trying to recreate it to no avail. Satoru suggested I add honey, and it made it almost too sweet. Still good, though. I realized on my third cup that what makes it special is you. But enough of that. Today, Satoru has been giving me tips and ideas on what to plant next season. He suggested some lily of the valley or some iris! I'm surprised he hasn't tried to convince me to plant some flowers that are as blue as his eyes. Granted, they are beautiful. Sorry, I should refrain from talking about how nice they are. He's been itching to tell me something, but I told him that we should wait until you come back.

With love,

Your dear friend.

Five weeks after he defected…

Suguru,

Satoru finally told me what you did. I'm getting that shaking rage again. There's a pain so deeply woven into my soul that my technique could never heal. I know writing these letters used to help us solve our problems when we were kids, but honestly? This feels a little ridiculous now.

There's not much I can say other than I hope wherever you are, there's eternal suffering- that whatever vomit-soaked rag curse you consume next swallows you whole. How dare you do this to our my family?

There's no way you could have known this, but after our weekly dinners, my dad used to go on and on about you. How you were 'the child they never had.'

How fucked up is that? I remember thinking, 'I'm here too! I'm here too!' They saw no value in something that couldn't clean up the fucking trash they created. That much was true. You saw that every time my father made ME cry, he made ME apologize.

Imagine a CHILD begging to be loved when that's all they should ever feel. I was just a KID. How burdensome it must be to demand what should come as second nature for parents. Their pure vitriolic energy seeped into my heart one night, and I considered destroying everything.

You knew that, and it was YOU who stopped me. Just like how you stopped Satoru after that day. God, you're a fucking hypocrite! Well, that doesn't matter anymore, does it? I was so close to getting their love back to how it was when I was six and didn't know anything. You stripped that away from me. God, you are such an asshole. Did you think you were doing me a favour? I keep replaying our last conversation in my mind. Each time, it's getting fuzzier, like a broken VCR tape. Rather than trying to remember how you smiled (which I am glad I am forgetting), I see this dingy aura. This whole 'monkey' talk is just the ramblings of a broken man, and I am not your repair shop.

You're a goddamn psychotic and selfish prick. How dare you murder all of those innocent people? What happened to us, making the world a better place? Was it all a lie? Just like another drunken kiss, perhaps? These stupid fucking letters never did anything when we fought as kids, and both of our parents made us you apologize like this.

You've poisoned us, me. There's not much else I can write other than I fucking loathe you. I always did. You were constantly parading around like you cared about me. You were saying that your 'Special Grade' status would never get in the way. How stupid was I to think that wouldn't get in the way because you were supposed to care for me? At least that's what you said to me repeatedly.

You were right about that. It wasn't your status. It was you. It was always you.

Yours,

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January 2008

Three months after he defected…

Geto,

I don't regret what I said in my last letter. As I write this, the trees which granted us shade now threaten to break underneath the weight of the snowfall. Which we have been fortunate enough to get. There are icicles that hang on my window sill. Clear and cold. It reminds me of how you're soulless and void of any emotion. Ten years of friendship have gone down the drain for a fucking pipe dream.

And what a waste! When I scream at night from the memory of you, Satoru comes into my room now. He holds me until the sun rises and I've calmed down enough or until I pass out from exhaustion. I hope this information wounds the depths of your soul. If you even had one, to begin with.

A friend

Three and a half months after he defected…

Geto,

I've been smoking more.

Almost four months after he defected…

Geto,

Satoru and I have been getting close. I'm unsure why I'm telling you this again or even why I keep writing these letters, but whatever. I've been going on more missions. Digimon, missions, sweets, and then staring at the dust that coats your bedroom door. It's a little repetitive and draining, for sure. But then again, so was loving you.

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February 3rd, 2008

Geto,

Do you remember when we first met? I do. This slimy worm thing smelled awful, and it kept following me! It had just rained, so I thought, 'Oh, maybe it's just the mud that was still on my backpack after that kid pushed me.' Which was a little annoying because I was on my way to that grandmother's house to tend to her garden. No matter how far I walked, the smell kept following me.

You were trudging behind closely, and with one quick gulp, there was an overwhelming relief in my body. It was as if Sisyphus was able to complete his task. Then again, you're more like Sisyphus than I ever will be. I understand that now. Maybe that's why you kept me away after what happened with Tengen. Or, I should say what didn't.

I'm sorry I didn't do enough back then and also that I ran away after you helped me when we were younger. Then again, when I tried apologizing for running away while braiding your beautiful hair like always, you said it was fine.

I don't know why I'm writing this letter, to be honest. Maybe it's because I'm feeling nostalgic.

From your former classmate,

══════════════════

April 2008

Six months since he defected…

Geto,

I have been thinking a lot about our childhood, our parents' expectations and just things of that sort. In general, I've been thinking about a lot and nothing at the same time. Mostly, I think about how stupid I am to keep writing to a man who would rather burn the whole world than try to nourish it. This is more for me than it is for you at this point.

My garden has been flourishing (well, it's attempting to). But Satoru is very encouraging when things get overwatered, and also a little annoying about the technicalities of it all. Satoru twiddling his thumbs while I tend to my wisteria tree is comforting, to say the least. Even though I know he is just itching to help. Sometimes, I let him.

From your former classmate,

Six and a half months since he defected…

Geto,

I think we're planning to move somewhere else soon, just as roommates, though. It was Satoru's idea. He made a good point of needing a change of scenery. Also, he has been very comforting in general, so I don't mind. I know whatever house or apartment he decides to buy will be way better than the hovel you're living in (hopefully).

From your former classmate,

══════════════════

May 2008

Seven months since he defected…

Geto,

The house Satoru picked out is very nice indeed. However, I expect nothing less from a clan head. My room is spacious, and it overlooks some lovely green spaces. It is a nice break for my eyes. Thankfully, it's still close enough where I can tend to the garden on campus, but Satoru was also smart enough to find a house where I can expand my green thumb. If need be.

It makes me miss our old town. When we had the warm summer sun kiss our faces, the promise of a better tomorrow. I almost asked Satoru if he wanted to visit whenever he had free time.

Although, he always makes himself free whenever I ask. But then I remembered that our youth, or lack thereof, is simply a ghost that will always haunt me. He's a good friend.

I still hope you're struggling. However, from what I have heard, you were able to take over the Star Plasma Church quickly. Or whatever you call it now. Congratulations. You've become everything you hate.

From your former classmate,

══════════════════

July 2008

Almost one year since he defected…

Geto,

It's approaching that time again. Sorry. I meant the anniversary of what happened. I think I have been able to process most of the merger that never happened. You were trying your best to stay as righteous as possible. I admire that about you. I've always struggled with that, but I guess I did better at masking it than you.

I know I said this before, but I am genuinely sorry about not doing enough back then. I went ahead and got myself stupidly injured when I should have stayed with you instead of following Satoru. He could protect himself. I'm not saying you aren't able to, but I guess I wanted you to see how strong I am. I want to say that none of it was your fault.

Although the hardship you've created after what happened with Riko is.

From your former classmate,

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September 2008

One year since he defected…

Geto,

It's been more than a year since I last saw you. Summer came and went. Satoru and I were actually able to get our schedules lined up to visit Okinawa. It was a little painful, and I was reluctant. But you know him, it's hard to say no. He even checked the plane for anything that would be amiss.

'Cross my six eyes and hope to die, there's nothing here!' he told me when I was annoyingly asking for reassurance. I couldn't help but feel a swelling in my chest that I thought would never return. Once we actually arrived, it was a very relaxing time (He's finally figured out how to make my tea just how I like it).

It was such a nice gesture, and he was kind about the whole thing, so I bought him some sweets and wrote a note. He asked me if I would ever want to return, and I was about to insist that you come as well.

Luckily, we arrived back in Tokyo before the rain started to pick up. I've been getting assigned more missions, but this is what I've been working towards. Cleaning up your mess, no doubt.

From your former classmate,

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August 2009

Almost two years since he defected…

Geto,

One of the more fucked up things in my life (other than continuing to write letters you'll never read) is how even after all this time, you are the only person I want to talk to. Shoko is going to school to become a doctor soon; from what I heard, Kento is doing well and- Satoru is a good boyfriend and a better dad.

Someone who knew you,

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September 2009

Two years after he defected…

Geto,

I should have clarified in my last letter I am not pregnant. There are parts of my body that will always belong to you, no matter who decides to enter our home. Satoru adopted this boy and his sister. I didn't bother asking how or why we spent weeks tracking two orphans.

I know, even if Satoru won't tell me.

It's a little daunting sometimes being young parents. But I'm trying my best not to repeat any mistakes my parents made. However, there are certain moments when I can feel my father's venom come out to try to sting Megumi or Tsumiki. I would never let that happen.

I'm getting stronger for their sake. Maybe I'll try to cheat my way through medical school like Shoko.

From your former classmate,

══════════════════

December 22nd 2009

Two years after he defected…

Geto,

It's blistering outside but I will write something quickly as I am preparing for Megumi's birthday. Satoru and I have been making hasty preparations and a crappy cake (he insisted we tried when I said that I always wanted a nice homemade cake when I was younger) that will no doubt be replaced by one from a much better bakery. For a while, I was feeling jaded and jealous about how lavish Megumi's birthday party would be. But then I thought back to all of my birthdays those long forgotten years ago and thought about how I am so glad to have an opportunity to shelter a child from that experience.

In my reflections, I remembered your sleepy eyes and face smeared with an ice cream vanilla cake that your parents bought for me. I was fuming. Especially since my dad forced us to take a picture shortly after. I did a pretty good job of hiding it, though.

While moving to our new house, something fell out of my journal. It was the picture of that day. I'm sure you've thrown away your copy to forget your old life rightfully. Tsumiki came into my room right as I was about to put it away and asked who the dirty kid was in the photo. At first, I thought she was referring to me, but when I asked her to repeat the question nicely, she pointed to you. I told her the truth.

'It's just an old friend.'

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March 2011

Three and a half years after he defected…

Dear Geto,

There are so many letters I have written, but I decided this is the best one for now.

Satoru is kind enough not to notice my fervent writings to a man I've been mourning who isn't even dead. I understand what you did. Sometimes, I'm even jealous that you had the courage to take action. You were trying in your way.

I have always felt like a passive observer, but now that love I carried for you burdens my family instead, with Satoru taking the brunt of it. I don't know if you remember, but you told me you wanted that. A family. Our family. Then again, I was half asleep, and I could have dreamed of you whispering that to me as I was lulled in the safety of your arms.

Wherever you are, I hope someone can give you what you deserve.

From an old friend,

══════════════════

September 2012

Five years after he defected…

My Dear, Geto,

I apologize for not writing that much. Then again, no designation could ever accurately describe our relationship. There's not much else to say other than I miss you. I finally cut my hair, not by choice. My son decided that gum belonged to my hair rather than a tissue thrown promptly into the garbage. I was annoyed, but then I remembered what a blessing it is to have him in my life. The ability to live in a world free of curses… I hope you're able to give it to him.

Maybe he'll inherit his father's technique one day. Perhaps not six-eyes since it seems a little exhausting. Once he's a little older, we'll find out, and then I will finally be able to return to work (despite Satoru's strong objections) alongside Shoko with less worry. Then again, if he were not to have a technique at all, I think that would be a greater blessing.

I do not wish to pass on the burden of our sins.

I just hope that if the time comes and he has nothing to protect himself from this unforgiving world, you will spare a child who has the wonder in his eyes you once had.

If I'm being honest, I knew you would never come back. I understood that the moment I slipped that note under your door only to find it unlocked and stripped clean. Still, a naive part of me kept writing and hoarding all the love I had for you in the hopes that you would one day return and take it all.

My garden, both on campus and at my home, is sprawling. In the spring, my children like to play in the large backyard pond. They're careful not to disturb the lotus that I've been careful to curate. Sometimes, I blink, and there are flashes of our childhood that I see. Specifically, summers which were spent in that grandmother's yard, tending to her vegetables and running errands. I hoped you would never tire of me dragging you along to this random grandmother's house, but deep down, I know you liked helping her as much as I did. It was a nice escape from the chaos of it all. I really started dreaming in those peaceful moments spent with you in that old house.

I have forgiven my parents, and now it's time that I try to accept what you did, along with the things I cannot change.

There has been an unnerving comfort in speaking to the ghost of who you once were. This will be my last letter for a while. Even though my writing, in general, has been sparse. I have a family, after all. I'm sure you do, too. I may be imagining things, but lately, these twin girls have been popping up wherever I go.

It seems stupid, I know, but they remind me of you despite their brown hair and large eyes. Both of which emit a warmth that I once felt whenever intertwined. In another life, maybe they could have been ours. Satoru listens to my concerns and is quick to calm me down. Ever since he's been checking in on me, I don't have nightmares anymore.

Sure, some nights are more challenging than others, but he whispers such lovely things that I can't help but fall asleep faster than I did with you. Sorry. That was an asshole thing of me to write. But I thought you would like to know I am being cared for.

You were my first love and best friend. My one and only.

With love,

Your dear, friend.

a/n: This is my first time trying this format, and I really like it! I might try it with another series of characters once I finish this. Also, the other chapters are written, but I am very anal about editing, so they're gonna have staggered uploads throughout March and April!

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earthnashes · 9 months

Text

Fitness update time baybeeeeeeeee! I once again had to gather the balls to post the photos here so uh. Ye. :D

Like the last one, more details will be under the cut, but for the TL;DR crowd:

Last Update Here

Current: 177lbs | Estimated BMI: 24-26% | Push Pull Legs split at 6 Days a week

Notes: Training stimulus for this block focused on lifting basics and intensity: establishing a stronger mind-muscle connection and knowing how training to true mechanical failure feels like. Additional challenge: Finding maintenance calories and maintaining weight in the general range of 175-180lbs before re-attempting 1st Lean Bulk attempt.

Results: All lifts have seen an increase in working weight. Noticeably more muscle definition overall over the course of the last two months. Weight largely remained the same; assume maintenance calories has been accurately found.

Sooooooo the last two months have been kinda crazy. I took a look at my past lifting logbooks and found that despite my PRs being higher than the last recorded attempt, my overall working weights for all of my lifts hadn't really moved much. Partially out of fear of injury, but mostly due to the noticeable lack of real intensity in the training.

On top of that I found that my weight wasn't going down or up at the calories I was eating at, but my energy had begun to drop and recovery was suffering. Originally I was meant to be in my first bulk, but my weight never moved, and that ultimately resulted in me switching strategies for my nutrition too.

Basic idea: dial up the intensity, RPE of 8-9.5. Find true maintenance calories.

For nutrition: I used the TDEE calculator for my calories this time. It's supposedly more accurate than most other calorie calculators including MyFitnessPal's calculator, which gave me 2200 calories as my "bulk". Welp, turns out that's wrong; 2200 is my cutting number with my current activity level. And given how long I've been in a cut, it explained why, even in the deficit still, my weight never moved: it's too low to gain weight, and with how long I been in a deficit up until then my body was adapted too much to continue losing fat. So I instead switched focus onto finding my actual maintenance calories by immediately bumping my calories to the number the TDEE calculator gave me (2600 cal) and adjusting based on how my weight trend.

Result is, over the course of 2 months I gained 2 pounds but I'm certain this is almost entirely muscle (based on look, measurements, and performance in the gym); I've otherwise hadn't changed weight wise. This is good to know; it means I can eat more than I initially thought and gives me a stronger baseline for when I do actually go into a real bulk.

For training: First thing I focused on was my legs, which was arguably my weak link. This is largely due to an old injury in my left knee made it hard to reach full range of motion, and the strength discrepancy between my left and right leg because of it was pretty noticeable. Correcting it is one of the reasons why I switched to PPL training split, with Legs being trained first every cycle.

For both my legs and my isolation exercises I utilized unilateral versions of all my exercises; working each limb separately instead of together. I also incorporated a different set program: 2 working sets of 6-10 reps, 1-2 sets taken to true mechanical failure. The failure sets were meant for me to get used to the very uncomfortable sensation of training the muscle to- and past - it's actual limit and not my mental limit while maintaining proper form technique. That shit is rough, but it ensured that I was training with actual intensity and I was taking the muscle to true failure for growth, which in turn would help with building better muscle-mind connection with each muscle bilaterally and unilaterally.

For compounds I didn't take any of the lifts to true failure due to the higher fatigue and recovery toll. Instead I focused on building strength skill, so the set program was: 1 Topset (heaviest set of the exercise) 1-3 reps, 2 working sets for 5-8 reps. Any hypertrophy work for these lifts were always done with machine accessories for stability and safety.

Results thus far has seen my overall strength increasing, my knee is much stronger and stable (tested my squats and I can safely squat my own bodyweight without pain or wobbling, which is a feat due to being unable to do that months ago), and I confidently can say I have better form and idea of intensity.

-------

SO! With all of that said I'd say this block was overall a success after much trial and error. Now that I've gotten a better idea of a few things, my next move right now is to take a deload week for some much needed rest, then structure my next block for a more strength focus alongside my 2nd attempt at an actual lean bulk. The goal is to gain at least 4-5 pounds of muscle by the beginning of next year and make a new maxout for my PRs, so I might look a lil soft the next time I do a progress report but hopefully I'll be much stronger and ready for my second cutting phase.

This shit is hard, but I'm loving it to death man. I'm having a lot of fun learning and going through the journey and now I can confidently say that I'm at the Intermediate stage of lifting! I also think I know the type of weightlifter I am now. I've heard the term "powerbuilding" a few times now and I feel it fits; primarily lifting to build strength, but also throwing in some bodybuilding rhetoric for aesthetics.

Like I said a while back I'm seriously considering recording my workouts and posting those as I go on my Instagram, and I've actually bought a lil phone stand to practice recording and being more comfortable in front of the camera. We'll see how that goes I suppose!

But uhhhhh YE! That's all my yapping for now. Thank you for listening, and if you have any fitness goals feel free to share them with me! :)

#weightlifting #powerlifting #powerbuilding #ash talks #earthsong talks

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comradekatara · 4 months

Note

hello, I’ve been thinking about Sokka in the finale and was wondering about your take I suppose? Or perhaps I just need to express this.

Sokka being a tactician rather than a warrior is a wonderful way to end his arc. Trusting two women who are, objectively, stronger in combat, while also being a guide & leader wow great love it.

And it’s great how he protects Toph. But I also think about how at the beginning Sokka is primed to die for Katara, and at the end he’s in the same self-sacrificial position. I don’t think this is bad writing but it kinda sucks for him lmao. His most triumphant moment is still one where it’s his job to die first.

It’s also interesting how this mirrors Zuko, who also self-sacrifices as a part of the completion of his arc. The way they’re both so willing to die is part of what makes Zukka compelling to me. But also! I wonder if Sokka would be jealous of Zuko being able to almost die for Katara.

I don’t think Sokka would think of it that way, but I can imagine his self-hate for almost letting Toph die, and then look! He wasn’t even there to die for Katara! Someone else had to do it! And maybe Zuko is a fine option if it’s not Sokka, but I don’t think its would be easy for Sokka to accept.

I don’t think he would know why he was angry, either. He’d just be mixed up with frustration and helplessness and probably concern for Zuko, too, and irritation at how stupid it was for Zuko to challenge Azula to an Agni Kai. God I hope they don’t break up over it.

okay, wow. a lot of interesting points here. i'm gonna try to respond to them in order (and number each paragraph so you can follow each point better).

1 while i would of course say that suki and toph both have unique strengths as fighters, i wouldn't discount sokka's skill either. yes, he is first and foremost a tactician who uses strategic maneuvering to win battles, and learning to prioritize his brains over his brawn is a huge facet of his arc, but crucially, he learns this first from suki, whose technique is all about strategic maneuvering against stronger opponents, and toph's fighting style is also about finding creative uses for her earthbending, instead of relying on feats of strength like the other earthbenders we see throughout the series. i would say that in this sense, toph, sokka, and suki are all quite evenly matched. they each have skills the other does not (arguably toph's skills are the most impressive, but sokka's accuracy with a boomerang and suki's little flippity flips – i.e., her abs of steel – in "the boiling rock" deserve acknowledgment).

of course, it's valuable that sokka trusts toph and suki entirely, and not solely because it reflects his implicit respect for girls as warriors (because like, we covered that at the very beginning of the series), but because it means he can overcome his control freak tendencies to delegate and trust others to be competent and succeed, which also means trusting that if they fail or choose to sacrifice themselves, it's not directly his fault (something he learns in "the boiling rock"). and of course toph and suki are probably the two people (who aren't directly related to him) he trusts, loves, and admires the most, which is what makes their team-up as a trio in the finale so lovely.

2 i actually think there's something really beautiful and poignant about the circularity of sokka's arc. as you say, it's a near-identical situation. sokka is faced down by fire nation soldiers, the only person in a position to fight back, while responsible for the safety and life of his little sister, and even though he puts up a valiant effort, he still must be saved by a third party who swoops in at the very last moment to save him before he bites it. in "the avatar returns," sokka's choice to die a martyr (in his mind) will finally fulfill his existential goal of protecting katara (which, again, in his mind, means doing for her what kya did), whereas now his existential goal is ending the war. either way, he is dying for his cause. the thing is, when aang returns to fight zuko, suddenly a new cause motivates sokka: to help the avatar. but now that the war is over, sokka's goals become less concrete. he must suddenly live past the end of his myth, which as we all know, is a perilous thing.

and as i've talked about before, i think this would motivate him to try and do everything he possibly can, because he no longer has one singular defined path, so to prove that he is worthy of existence he must now exercise control over everyone. as much as he trusts toph and suki and katara and aang and zuko (to an extent), i think his control freak tendencies would nonetheless be exacerbated by the end of the war, because instead of just imposing control on their little group to make sure they stay on schedule etc. etc., he now has the opportunity to impose control over the entire world. postwar sokka is kind of a nightmare i'm afraid.

3 i think it's important to remember that sokka doesn't really get angry, he gets guilty. unlike katara, zuko, or even aang, sokka only really gets angry if he thinks someone is incompetent and/or evil. but mostly, when he internalizes his emotions, he doesn't lash out with rage, he points that anger inwards, feels as if he is the one at fault, even if the situation was not remotely in his control. i don't think sokka would be remotely mad at zuko for what he did. he might think zuko was stupid for what he did ("couldn't katara have just run out of the way?"), but he'd also be infinitely grateful. i think sokka would be furious at zuko had the reverse happened and katara been injured in any way – oh, then he would tear zuko to pieces. but zuko risking his life for katara (although i think in zuko's mind he expected he'd be fine and that he could just redirect the lightning in midair, but he'd never admit that to anyone ever, so.) would only make sokka feel guilty that someone else had to perform his duty.

i think a big problem for sokka after the war would be that now that he has all these different paths to follow, he cannot be in every location at once (being a man means knowing where you're needed the most, but what if you're needed everywhere??? what then???), and he cannot know every single piece of information implicitly. the fact that he had to be at the airship fleet meant that he had to trust that zuko and katara would be successful in their mission. and he clearly does trust them, but i imagine there's also a part of him wracked with fear over their fates the entire time that they're split up, especially because if katara isn't okay, that means that he failed and he wasn't even there. so yeah, i think he'd feel a mix of gratitude and guilt that zuko performed his big brother duties in sokka's place. but i don't think he'd be angry at zuko.

4 sokka's self-hate for almost letting toph die is so real though. yeah "the boiling rock" teaches him to let himself rely on others and not take every single failure so personally, and suki is especially significant in that regard for how she represents someone who is sokka's peer who can rescue him but also be rescued by him. and all that, thematically speaking, is very important and lovely. but he still hates himself for not doing more. which is of course crazy, because he literally used a boomerang and threw his sword with only one working arm and a broken leg while basically hanging off a falling ledge in the sky to kill two men, but sokka is crazy, so there's no way he's satisfied upon being told that he did all he can do. his limits are his failures. and if he can't even protect his best friend, then what is he good for?

i actually think that if toph hadn't been there to ground him, he would have been less concerned with staying alive, that he only held on for so long because he wanted to keep toph alive. when sokka tells toph that "it looks like this is the end," toph, understandably, starts to cry, but sokka only really seems sad at the idea that toph is about to die. he's not crying, why would he be? this is probably how he's always imagined his own death in his wildest fantasies (yes, if katara fantasizes about revenge, sokka fantasizes about dying, you know it's true). if sokka is crucial to helping toph recognize and accept her own vulnerability, toph helps sokka stay grounded to his humanity (and obviously aang and others perform these function for both parties as well, but sokka and toph's friendship is a really beautiful, special thing). and that means that sokka is excited to be saved by suki specifically because it means that she also saved toph. but there must also be a part of sokka after the war that's thinking "in the end, zuko saved katara, suki saved toph, some giant spirit creature saved aang........ what am i even good for?" because if there's one thing sokka's brain loves to do, it's reinforce his own worthlessness.

5 "god i hope they don't break up over it" was pretty funny to me, because i honestly think that if they ever get together (and jury's still out for me on that tbh) it would take a good decade. but also i recognize that the way i "ship zukka" is different from how everyone else feels about/imagines them, so that's not really relevant here.

#would it surprise you that i do in fact think about this all the time #you guys rly love enabling me huh #asks #dejaentends #put it under the cut even though i have way longer posts i didn't add readmores to. im unpredictable im crazy idk #sokka #toph #suki #zuko #katara #katara&sokka #sokka&toph #sokkaxsuki #sokkaxzuko #(kinda)#analysis #GODDDDD..... i love.........psychoanalyzing sokka...... peeling the onion....... he has LAYERS DONKEY!!!!!

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lilbagdermole · 11 months

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Hello! It's always great to meet another Taang shipper!

What do you love most about Taang?

I hope you have a great day!!!

Hey!!

Oh, it's so nice to see that Taang is still loved by so many people (and it's always really nice to see active blogs about them ^^)

What do I love most about Taang?

I love their dynamics. They bounce off each other almost harmoniously, because they are opposites in so many aspects of their lives: beliefs and morals, elements, backgrounds and childhoods. They clash and struggle and are far from perfect, yet, no matter how big the storm, how complex the disagreement - they always reconcile, they always listen to one another, they always learn and grow and strive to become better people. They respect one another so much to work around their oppositions and thus balance and understand one another in ways that no other member of the ATLA cast can replicate (with Aang and Toph).

And though they are natural opposites, they still have so much in common if you delve deeper. Aang and Toph are the youngest in the Gaang - and share the same love for teasing and joking; they share a very deep connection with the the original benders of their respective elements (Toph with the Badgermoles and Aang with Appa); they both runaway from their homes at a young age because of paramount expectations; both are masters of their bending - even inventing a new form/bending style at 12 years-old (air scooter and metalbending).

Aang represented all Toph needed in her life - freedom, loyalty, companionship and a friend. He saw her beyond her perceived weakness and never underestimated her capabilities as an earthbender and his potential master. He taught her to trust and confide, understood her when no other person did and soften the hard edges that she'd constructed to protect herself from her suffocating reality. In a sense, Aang was a breath of fresh air in her life.

Toph, on the other hand, represented all Aang needed - stability, confidence, strength. Aang, being the Avatar, had been coddled and protected by almost everyone - Katara, Sokka, admirers, etc. He wasn't Aang, he was a symbol - a symbol of hope and peace. But Toph didn't care about his divine-like power, didn't care that everyone around him praised the very ground he stepped on - in Toph's perspective, Aang was Aang. A kid just like her and she treated him as equals; never afraid of pushing him to further his growth; she taught him to stand his ground, face his enemies head on, become a stronger, confident bender. She was the ground that anchored him to the mortal world and made him feel normal.

It's also poetic, in the finale - Toph is in the air whilst Aang is mostly on Earth. And, may I add, that at the end, whilst Zuko and Katara ultimately did teach him plenty so he could face the Firelord, Aang's preferred bending style, that was not his own, was Earthbending. The element that had once stumped him, frustrated him; the hardest element to master, his opposite... and now, he used it to protect himself, to shield and fight. He used every technique Toph taught him - rock armor, crushing earth, even seismic sense... Toph ultimately saved Aang during the Finale.

I can go on and on about them, but I'm in the midst of writing a dissertation on Toph and Aang's development and potential in ATLA - so I'll save most of my thoughts for that whenever I get to completing it.

And... let's be honest. Aang and Toph together just look so beautiful. They would be the IT COUPLE in ATLA - their canonical height difference should be reason enough to stan Taang. Avatar and The World's Greatest Earthbender... come on now! And it would just fit right - Aang as an adult would have to travel the world and Toph would gladly travel alongside him since she doesn't have a "home" (Aang is her home); and, as adults they could built Republic City from the ground up whilst also balancing raising a family... UGH! IT WOULD HAVE BEEN SO GOOD!!!

#lilbadgermoleask #taang

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cozycottagetarot · 3 months

Text

What Do They Daydream About You?

How To Pick A Pile:

Quick notes on this reading:

I'm experimenting with a different style. -- I've been working on shorter, less structured, formal pacs (and some longer ones). I'm not sure how I feel about it but I'd like to hear your thoughts too!

I apologise for any errors. -- My immune system and I have literally been at war for weeks, so know if there are any errors, I probably missed it while wincing in pain. 😅

It's purely for entertainment purposes. -- Don't think I need to explain more. Take what resonates be it all of it, some of it or none at all.

PILE 1

14:44 as I pulled the last card, maybe 444 is of importance to you at the moment. Knight in shining armour vibes. Noble acts or intentions of just sweeping you off your feet. Introducing you to their friends and or family. Daydreams of big celebrations of being with you, internally and externally. For some, they daydream about celebrating the news of having a child with you. Finding peace after long struggles... starting anew with you. Domestic bliss, as in chilling at home with someone you love, not doing much of anything. Or simply enjoying the mundane tasks together. Going for walks. Having a cup of tea or coffee together. Peppering your skin with kisses... maybe physical touch is their love language. The ghost of their fingertips on your skin. Heart-to-heart conversations. Falling into a routine with you. The magic of embarking on new beginnings with you.

PILE 2

North Star Vibes. Holding out hope that they make it to you. Trying to make life better so they can show up for you. They daydream about how you make them stronger, about you being a good influence on them. It's like the thought of you soothes them when they're struggling. Dreaming that happiness is coming in the form of you. Lots of fiery energy. You're a symbol of hope. Rediscovering what they had lost with you. Feels like someone who has been through a lot. Playfulness. Daydreaming about you is embodying those feelings that seem long forgotten. I know I keep repeating the same thing over and over, but I'm not getting anything more than that (even when I go back to the literal meaning of the cards) so I pulled some love messages. There's the cards 'twin flame', 'finding myself' and 'still listening'. My interpretation is that daydreaming about you holds a mirror up to themselves which inspires them to look deeper within and figure out what they want and who they want to be. They could also find solace in music, they may have a song or playlist that makes them feel more connected to you.

PILE 3

If you were drawn to pile 2, consider checking out that pile as well too. 333. The number 3 could hold some sort of significance.

Dreaming of an equal. Someone to keep them balanced and bring a new perspective. They could feel as though (or know) some kind of scrutiny is possible, but they spend their time dreaming of overcoming it. There could be cultural differences or for some it's a matter of being in a same-sex relationship or anything that goes against what may be more commonly accepted. If it's of any significance, the red string of fate (two different decks mention it). Power couple vibes. Being able to maintain a sense of youthfulness in the relationship. Someone who won't try to take advantage of them, who'll push them to be better and vice versa, who'll look out for them. Someone to heal with and understand that they are still healing. They could dream of having a child with you or starting a family in whatever format that may look like to both of you. Daydreams of warmth & protection. Giving and receiving. You could possibly meet at a concert or connect over music.

PILE 4

I did a repull to make sure I was reading the cards right (it was stormy) and the same cards came out after reshuffling (minus one card). I feel like this person has been reborn. Who they were is not who they are now (or when you meet them). They could daydream of being divinely guided towards you. Someone spiritual or religious. At the very least finding a connection with something (a concept) greater than them. Daydreams of being guided towards happiness. They had a teardown and rebuild of who they are. They could be from a different location, you could meet when travelling across a large body of water. It feels like they're dreaming of coming in hot. They're paving the way for their happy ending. Take it as you will, but instead of a 'damsel in distress' (regardless of gender, it's just women on the cards depicting forging on) type of story, it's one of those ones where it's like "you know what, I'll save myself and I'll chase after my happy ending". Actually, I get a-spec vibes as well and that this person could be a platonic love or a strong platonic bond. It could even be you respectively. But the energy is one of being inspired and ever-lasting bonds. A new resolve, coming home to oneself, resting in the knowledge that the future is going to be good because you'll make it so.

#quick pick #pick a card #pick a pile #pac reading #tarot reading #cozycottagetarot

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deadbydangit · 3 months

Note

Hi! Hello :D

First i want to say that I really love your writing ❤️

If you still take request can you do Leon, Wesker, chris and Jill reacting to a reader/survivor that is written like Yor Forger (Spy x Family; she's an assassin). Where they witnessed her strength and somehow knocked out a killer (like nemesis or pyramid head) with her kick with ease, or using her golden needles as a weapon against killers?

I've uh, never actually seen Spy x Family (I know, I know). So I'm going to tweak this a bit. I only do three characters per request, so I'm going to leave Jill out.

With a reader who is really strong.

Leon, Mastermind, Chris

Leon S Kenney

Leon knows for sure that he isn't the strongest around.

But he does know a strong person when he sees one.

Years of combat experience have taught him to spot people like that.

So when he saw you punch Michael in the face, he wasn't too surprised.

But he also was surprised.

I mean, it was Michael Myers.

You didn't knock them out, but still.

It's Micheal Myers!

And you punched him.

But he's also very impressed.

Not just with your strength.

But with your bravery and skill.

Brute strength is nice.

But you have to have a means to control it.

Otherwise it's all wasted.

Despite still having a high skill level, he's still going to help you train.

You can never stop learning how to be better.

How to be stronger and improve your skills.

His training sessions are intense, but not overly brutal.

He knows when to stop and when you've hit your limit.

He would never want to push you too far.

He just cares about you and wants to see the best out of you.

Mastermind

You were actually in a trial with him when he first noticed your skills.

You actually punched him.

Pretty hard too.

Instead of being angry, he was impressed.

Okay, he was a little angry.

But mostly impressed.

So much so that instead of hooking you, he wanted to learn more about you.

He'll approach you outside of a trial, making sure you know he's not trying to be hostile.

He simply wants to know more about you.

"Where did you learn that technique?"

"Who was it that taught you?"

He's not trying to be intrusive.

He is genuinely curious.

It's not everyday someone is strong enough to punch the great Albert Wesker (Chris Redfield being the only exception).

"Perhaps, we could train together sometime. It would be beneficial for both of us to hone our skills on different opponents."

AKA. He wants to make sure you're never able to punch him again.

But, he won't do it exclusively for his benefit.

Someone like you deserves to learn more combat skills.

You have a real talent for it, and he wants to watch you thrive.

Chris Redfield

It's going to take a lot to impress Chris.

This man punched a giant boulder and actually moved it.

So impressing him with strength is pretty damn hard.

But, if you do actually manage to catch his attention, that means you must be something else entirely.

Are you even human?

He doesn't mean that in a rude way, he really doesn't have much of a filter.

He's just in awe of your strength.

So much so, that he thinks he might be in love with you the first time he sees you punch somebody.

Especially if it's Wesker.

You have lots of raw talent.

And he isn't about to let all of that go to waste.

You'll be training with him whether you like it or not.

And his training sessions are intense.

They can last hours.

You'll have to remind him that not everyone is like him.

He'll ease up after that.

It's just his way of showing he cares about you.

Hey, give the guy a break, he's kind of a blockhead.

But he's a blockhead who loves you.

#dbd imagines #dbd ask blog #dbd x reader #dbd killer #dbd survivor #dbd mastermind #dbd chris #dbd leon s kennedy

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gojosbf · 3 months

Note

Sorry, but I need to say something I've been thinking about for a while. I found geto's death forcing. 1.he loses to a boy with no experience and the power of ''love''. 2.he was stronger and had more knowledge and experience than the boy yuta. 3. It seems that the author just wanted to get rid of geto so that this annoying villain Kenjaku could come. 4. In my opinion, Geto is the best villain. I don't understand why the author didn't want to continue with him. 5. His death was forced because Saturo already had a change in character and personality. What I'm trying to say is that in the film, Satura is already different, he's no longer that immature young man. 6. the serious work was much more dramatic if geto had survived saturo blow he would have become stronger and returned as a villain again with sukuna. Sorry if it's big, but I have these doubts that such a good and well-constructed character had a horrible ending and very little.

I have mixed feelings about this anon but first I'd clarify things point by point for you and then give my opinion if possible

1. Yuuta Okkotsu has a special grade curse, the queen of curses Rika, the power of "love" you speak tho it might sound cliché does fit here well and it was explained in the manga that love is considered the most twisted curse (if you saw the movie you'd have seen that gojo said this line to him too).

2. Yes sure geto had more experience and knowledge but yuuta is an acclaimed prodigy, his cursed technique is mimicry, rika was so scaringly powerful even before she fully evolved, geto KNEW that if he absorbed rika he'd have everything needed to form his "ideal world". He wasn't just any nobody who managed to get lucky.

3. Okay now here there are two reasons and I am trying my best to find words to explain it, yuuta was meant to be the original mc of jjk, he is the op character. Geto wanted rika (as I mentioned in the previous point) to accomplish his dream so if geto won that battle the story as whole would've taken a very different turn, we wouldn't need itadori and the whole first years and their stories. Remember how I said yuuta was supposed to the actual mc? Yeah that's were gege actually made changes so he could make a better and elaborate plot.

4. Geto Suguru was infact an amazing villain, yes. But you've also got to understand that he was sympathetic towards jujutsu sorcerers, he'd never risk harming them (his own last words being "I never hated anyone from jjk high") unless they're in his way. He had to die because we needed someone who'd go all out, no mercy to anyone, no regard and sympathy for anyone and that's exactly why we needed someone like kenjaku, who was equally powerful, evil and not shy to bring hell.

5. Geto's death had nothing to do with "changing gojo's personality", that change already happened after hidden inventory and premature death arc. His death was an important decision for future plot points (explaining why yuuji was special, sealing the strongest etc).

6. This is where I fully give my opinion, sure Suguru would've come back as stronger and even more powerful villain but would he have achieved what kenjaku did? Geto Suguru that we knew would choose any other route than sealing Gojo, he literally did not even try to protect himself and gave gojo a chance to kill him (during kfc breakup), he never attacked jujutsu high until yuuta happened, he worked with rejected sorcerers and never paired up with evil curses like hanami, jogo and mahito. So, to put it simply it was important part of plot that geto first turned evil and then died, that shaped so many important arcs of the manga and it was well thought out for long run. Sure it's sad and frustrating but that was one good writing move on gege's part and there's no denying that.

#okay that got super long but I hope this was clear enough I tried ny best to not confuse facts while explaining #i really suggest reading the manga!! that'd clarify so many of your doubts ngl #imagine me talking about good writing from gege now lol #jujutsu kaisen #jjk #ask #gojo satoru #geto suguru #satosugu #stsg

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linkspooky · 10 months

Note

Spooky, I'm so tired of seeing people say that "Megumi has no development/is badly written/sucks", especially on reddit, and now I almost started to cry because you started your last answer-meta about Megumi with "Megumi's actually the most complicated and well-written character in the manga", and let me tell you that's a lot coming from someone who writes such great metas!

Then I continue reading and you describe him in the same way that I perceive him but it's also like I'm seeing Megumi for the first time? it's difficult to express this but it always happens to me ... Megumi is so complicated that every time I read an analysis/meta about him this happens and I love it.

Sorry, I'm terrible at expressing myself and everything I wrote might be confusing but I needed to tell you, and also, Thank you for writing and sharing your metas! 🖤

Thank you for sending the ask, anon! I'm just happy you're a fan of Megumi and enjoy his character as much as I do. My friend @theanimepsychologist did a much better post than I did, explaining why exactly the complexity of Megumi's character is hard to miss. I wish I could just copy paste that whole post here and steal it, but I have some brief thoughts on why Megumi is oftentimes overlooked and it has to do with the fact that his development throughout the entire manga is hidden in the shadows.

I say Megumi's development is hidden in shadows, because in typical shonen manga tradition his character development goes hand in hand with him learning to use the Ten Shadows ability. It's outlined for him twice by both Gojo and Sukuna that Megumi should really be a lot more powerful than he is right now.

Megumi is your typical genius kid who everything comes so naturally to him he never learns to study, and therefore when moving up from high school to college begins to fall apart because he didn't learn the skills that would lead to his further development.

If you look at Megumi's situation, he should really be more powerful than he is. Megumi has the ten shadows, which is the strongest technique in the Zen'in, and apparently even capable of defeating a limitless user with the six eyes. Not only that, but he was handpicked and tutored by Gojo Satoru since he was a child, and he's clearly the student that Gojo takes the most interest in teaching.

Gojo and Yuta who have similiar natural talent are already at the level of special class at Megumi's age, and Yuta himself has only been a sorcerer for a year, but Megumi lingers at grade two. Gojo and Megumi himself are frustrated by his own lack of progression and neither of them can understand why.

In typical Gojo fashion, Gojo who only understands the world through the lens of sorcery, just suggests that Megumi get stronger at developing his ten shadows technique and everything else will work out. However, the reason Megumi can't advance isn't because he's not strong enough or not working hard enough, but because he's emotionally weak.

He falls apart mentally rather than physically, and we learn the reason why in his flashbacks to Tsumiki.

Megumi has no emotional reason to want to be a sorcerer, he doesn't even feel an obligation to save people does the way Yuji does, he was just groomed into it by Gojo. However, the loss of Tsumiki at middle school age makes Megumi falter, because the one reason he had for going forward is that he could possibly make Tsumiki safe because doing his job as a sorcerer gave them money to live... but then Tsumiki is out of the picture and Megumi is trapped in a life he doesn't want for no reason.

The difference between Megumi and Gojo that Gojo fails to notice, is that Gojo has an incredibly strong sense of self, and Megumi has no sense of self (which further inhabits his development). He's never once doing things for himself, despite calling himself selfish and espousing a much more selfish philosophy that Yuji does, his goals all focus around providing some kind of service or protection to others.

This is where Megumi's development starts becoming difficult to keep track of, because Megumi is a character who both changes a lot throughout the manga, and doesn't actually change at all. Which is a statement that makes no sense but let me explain: Megumi develops his ten shadows technique and on the outside is developing into a stronger sorcerer, but he never does the internal work and self reflection required to become emotionally strong.

Once again, Gojo in his great genius can only offer this advice to Megumi: Become strong, become a better sorcerer. This is because Gojo misses out that emotional issues are what is holding Megumi back. Megumi's first two major fights in the manga are losses, he's not strong enough to kill the curse on his own in the first chapter so Yuji eats the finger to help, he's not strong enough to stop Sukuna's rampage in Yuji's body, so Yuji dies in front of him.

It's two situations where Megumi reflects, "If I was strong enough, I would have been able to do X, Y, and Z, therefore it's my fault that this bad thing happened."

So we see Megumi throughout the arcs, continually developing his ten shadows technique to be stronger, while at the same time avoiding personal development. The biggest moment of this is origin of obedience, where he unlocks his partial domain expansion and then a few chapters later just avoids an emotionally difficult conversation with Yuji because he's scared to talk with him.

Megumi's desire is to feel free and grow into a better version of himself, but he stops at every opportunity to develop emotionally because that's harder. Gojo suggests that Megumi just pursue strength, so Megumi just starts finding himself in violence. Which is why the progression we do see in his character is him getting stronger and better at using his technique, coupled with him being more openly violent and more like his father the shadow of violence who is always chasing after him. This is what turns Megumi into Mr. "I'll totally kill people in the Culling Games if I need to."

Would Megumi at the beginning of the manga been okay with slaughtering normal people to get points in a game, maybe yes maybe no but he does advocate for just leaving a prisoner to die to curses because they committed a crime once. If anything his development post shibuya is just exaggerating a side to him that was already there. Megumi in times of crisis falls back on violence for survival because that's what Gojo taught him.

Megumi grows more confident with his abilities, he uses them in more creative ways, he even starts demonstrating himself as a leader among the group basically coming up with the strategy for the culling games. He's also more emotionally open with Yuji than he was in the past. There's definite emotional progression.

Beginning of the manga Megumi is lacking in confidence -> Yuji dies in front of him, he realizes his need to get stronger and starts applying himself -> In the Kyoto battle arc despite training with the second years he still falls short in the battle against Hanami -> Gojo reveals to megumi part of the reason he has a mental block against getting stronger is because he's downplaying himself for the sake of others, and afterwards Megumi starts imagining a better version of himself for the first time -> Megumi shows his strength at cooperating in Shibuya, fighting with Yuji, and then later Maki and the rest against Dagon -> Megumi is the one who convinces Yuji to keep fighting showing his emotional development and comes up with the strength for the culling games -> Megumi uses his domain expansion again but much more confidently than he did in origin of obedience.

There's clear progression here on Megumi's part that I can even give a general summary and map out, but at the same time the fundamental problem has not been solved, that Megumi doesn't have a thoroughly developed sense of self and self destructs. Gojo even says as much that part of the reason he's so limited in using his abilities is because he thinks he has Mahoraga to fall back on.

He tries to use Mahoraga in the fight against Sukuna, tries to use it against Todo of all people, tries to use it against the special grade spirit in origin of obedience and this time stops himself (making progress) only to once again default to using Mahoraga in Shibuya when he's cornered. Megumi doesn't try to personally develop himself because he considers his own life worthless and that behavior never stops. It keeps persisting until we get all the way to Sukuna taking over his body, which happened because Megumi ignored every warning from Yuji that Sukuna was planning for something. Because in that case he just assumed Sukuna would kill him and Megumi doesn't care about that because he doesn't value his own life.

Which is where we get the great paradox that is Megumi, he's the most developed character in the manga with a great deal of the manga focused on both his slow progression as a character, but also revealing more parts of his personality that the audience would not notice at first. People who saw Megumi advocate for leaving prisoners behind to die in the first arc of the manga, probably wouldn't assume he'd go so far as killing people in the culling games to get point, because it's quicker that way and he can justify killing bad people, but that's the natural extreme of that behavior to begin with.

We see more and more of Megumi's repressed anger, and his abandonment issues with his sister and his parents, so his character is moving, but we also don't see a lot of progression on those issues because Megumi's not focusing on trying to be a better person just being a better sorcerer.

In typical shonen manga fashion, the focus is put on Megumi getting stronger and learning to develop his technique ore. In atypical shonen manga fashion, Megumi is actually punished by the narrative for only caring about getting stronger. Sukuna's possession of him, and his loss of Tsumiki are both things caused by Megumi being ignorant until the last moment and keeping himself hidden in the shadows too, if he'd valued himself more he'd have steered clear of Sukuna and Yuji because of the danger, if he'd paid more attention to his sister he'd notice Yorozu in his body.

Which is what makes Megumi so unique, but also a little hard to understand because he is in so many ways a typical shonen jump character, and in other ways he's nothing like them because he's just Megumi.

#jjk meta #megumi fushiguro #metasks

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