Dionysus: It must be hard not being able to laugh.
Chiron: I do have a sense of humor, you know.
Dionysus: I’ve never heard you laugh before.
Chiron: I’ve never heard you say anything funny.
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Dionysus: And then they said "put your hands in the air", and I started dancing.
Dionysus: It wasn't until they pulled their gun out that I realized it wasn't that kind of party.
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percy: you don’t like any one of us except for nico!
dionysus: that’s not true! i love nico and non-nico’s equally!
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Nico in therapy with Mr. D for the first time
Nico: so, what do I do? complain about my problems and you tell me others have it worse?
Mr. D, having read Nico's chart and knowing he's from another era, his sister died, he felt betrayed by his crush, the only person he knew in the time period, fought a war, went to hell, fought another war, and was dealing with internalized homophobia the entire time: see, the thing is, I'm pretty sure others... definitely don't have it worse
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Dionysus: Alright, listen up you little shits.
Dionysus: Not you Nico. You’re an angel and we’re thrilled you’re here.
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Poseidon: Which one of you was going to tell me that tea taste different if you put it in hot water
Athena,*slowly puts down her book*: Y-You were putting it in cold water....
Poseidon: ....
Hera: Poseidon. Answer the question. Poseidon!
Poseidon: Yeah I thought for like 5 years that people just put it in hot water to speed up the tea-ification process. Didn't realize there was an actual reason.
Everyone: ....
Poseidon: You think I have the patience to boil water?
Dionysus: You don't have the patience to microwave water for 3 minutes????
Apollo,*grabbing him*: Why are you. putting it in the microwave to boil it?!
Dionysus: Do you think I have the patience to boil water on the stove?!
Apollo: It takes less than a minute!
Hermes: BESTIE IS YOUR STOVE TOP POWERED BY THE FUCKING SUN?????
Apollo: HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE YOU TO BOIL A CUP OF WATER ON THE STOVE!??!
Hermes: Like 7 minutes!
Dionysus: *nods*
Apollo: Just stick the mug on top of the stove on medium heat and it boils in like 2 minutes less than that and you use a saucepan.
Zeus: HA- You're putting the whole mug on the stove?????? on medium heat???? You're stove is enchanted!
Athena: Every single person in this room is a fucking lunatic...
Demeter: Do none of you own a fucking kettle!?
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*will and hazel talking*
*will phone buzzes*
will: oh, it's nico
will: he's upset with percy and jason
will: *buzz* and leo
will: *buzz* and dionysus
will: *buzz* and zeus
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Athena: Wow, Apollo. I had no idea you were so good with animals.
Apollo: I’ve been taking care of Hermes and Dionysus for more than 100 years now and they've bitten me eight times. I plan on keeping it at eight too.
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Hera: A boy doesn't dye his hair that color unless he has psychological problems!!
Dionysus: My hair color has nothing to do with my psychological problems!!!!
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Hermes *opening Ariadne and Dionysus door*: Hi guys.
Ariadne*pissed*: Hermes can I ask you a question?
Hermes *smiling*: Sure, anything.
Ariadne*sighs*: Why don't you go back to your own temple and stop bothering us so I can have sex with my Husband
*Dionysus faints*
*Hermes gets pale*
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Ariadne: I know your intention is to dress like a slutty man but wow you’re really pulling it off
Dionysus: Darling you know I never disappoint
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Percy: why is Mr D bald if he’s a god?
Grover: he has a condition where he had to cut his hair
Percy: what’s it called?
Grover: breaking bad
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chiron: what is your biggest weakness?
nico: i can be uncooperative.
chiron: okay, can you give me an example?
nico: no.
dionysus: i like him.
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