#internalised transphobia

[fizzy-dizzie]

Trans Sam headcannies blink blink batting eyelids (BC I don't talk abt the TRUTH enough)

Binders wouldn't have been super accessible in the 90s-00s so I imagine he used some less safe methods.

He'd bind for wayyy longer then he was ment to

If he was on a hunt he kinda didn't have many options

He'd sit on the bed finally when they got back to a motel and just breathe deep breaths for a while

His ribcage just perpetually hurt, he was used to it

He started T in college and got top surgery not long after

Dean had known about him being trans long before Sam left for college but he didn't really understand how serious Sam was about it until he came to get Sam to find his dad and 'oh my god that's a whole ass man'

Dean helped him cut his hair real short tho when they were young

John was not very impressed when that happened

John didn't know until they saw eachother post college

John didn't really get it. He was a very 'your ruining your body' type dad but honestly I think he would have had bigger problems on his mind to make a big fuss out of it (John winchester makes a big fuss out of everything so maybe more, he wouldn't make a MASSIVE fuss)

Sam was disappointed about his dad's lack of support but it was expected

Dean was very impressed by the top surgery job. Actually, considering he had never even seen one before, he was probably amazed.

Sam used to do research about what a trans person was in libraries on the computers

Most of his gender envy (/jealousy?) would have come from dean

Sam didn't really realise till he hit his pre-teen years

But he only found a name for how he felt at like 13-14

He told Dean about a year later

"I don't really understand much of what your saying, but if that's how you feel I just want to know that if that's what makes you happy.. I can get behind that, okay?" -Dean

Sam didn't cry but he gave Dean a massive hug. Emphasis on DID NOT cry those little water marks on Dean's shirt must've already been there.

Sam could only get so much from the internet so when he met another trans guy at college he was super excited and was able to learn a lot

He hated it when the showers in motels had mirrors right across from them

He'd leave the fan off intentionally so the mirror would fog up

#i wonder if young sam had known about angels would he have prayed to be a boy? #would he have begged and asked why he couldnt have been born right? #would he have gotten any answers? #or would angels see him for a sinner and never respond #would he still have his faith in god then? #trans sam winchester #trans sam truther #sam winchester ftm #sam winchester headcanon #sam winchester #spn #supernatural #dean winchester #john winchester #internalised transphobia #but just like a lil #internalized transphobia #internalised? internalized? #idk #t boy swag

[variousqueerthings]

I was searching for some danish podcasts and stumbled across one from a few years ago in which two trans guys were just talking about their experiences and it was quite sweet overall

but they were talking about pride at one point and it made me quite sad. they talked about how they didn't necessarily feel like pride was "for" them, especially once they were going to start passing, because they'd just look like cis straight guys. this wasn't presented as a "this is an indictment of how we gatekeep queer spaces," but as a natural development, because at that point they'd just be "too" privileged?

they literally said that they don't feel pride in their transness, because it just is in a non-important, preferably unobtrusive kind of way, rather than anything connected to a vast history and culture and fight. they didn't feel their bodies as a part of this story, there was a sense of total disconnect of why or even how to feel pride

I think they were quite young and uninformed about these contexts, and they were well-meaning, but they were essentially saying that the best thing for them to do would be to quietly fade out of community spaces, because they were neither wanted nor needed

I just felt very sad that they'd internalised that idea, and I hope they're still in the queer community and going to pride and have connected to a wider trans network

#i think this is probably also related to transmedicalism but i dont think they necessarily conceptualised themselves as such #and they weren't against nb people or trans women #rather they clearly had internalised transandrophobia #that out of every kind of queerness that exists the only one that isnt allowed in queer spaces is the body of the straight trans man #this was i think... 2016... ive closed the tab now #so i hope they're content #trans stuff #internalised transphobia #queer stuff #pride #they were so bemused about the idea of *feeling* pride

[thegirlmirage]

I need to take my own advice about transition. You have to believe what you want is possible and you have to give yourself permission. I'm stuck in this weird jealousy mode where it just seems like everyone else instantly transitioned into a perfect girl.

The internet doesn't help because of how people are filtered out or celebrated - going to where queers are in real life helps a lot for dismissing this feeling.

I come from a family with bulky bones and big faces. I don't think I will ever be skinny and I used to be fine with that. I'm struggling a lot with voice training and it seems like either people just don't do it, or somehow manage to do it perfectly in a very short time.

I want to transition to a point where I can relax. Where I don't have to think about what my voice is doing or where my hair is settling or what my face looks like. I want to just rest as a girl and nobody can say otherwise.

People have praised me for being "so out about being trans" but I'm really not, I'm just that clockable.

#dysphoria #internalised transphobia #dysphoria rant

[musings-by-rae]

So. Got to stop starting posts with that. New vocab list please Rae.

Did anyone else suddenly get a wage of internalised transphobia when they first said something out loud? Not just me?

I had a counselling session and it was the first time I had said a lot of stuff out loud. And since then I've just felt terrified. Like that actually made it real.

But it's not the making it real that's the problem. It's the panic attacks over coming out to my husband, my fairly conservative parents, to anyone who knows me.

It's walking into the changing rooms at the pool with my daughter and feeling like I'm dangerous to cis women now. Like I have to come out to keep them safe even if I'm not.

And like I get that's total transphobic bullshit. I know it's not true at all. But I'm so scared of it all. The UK doesn't feel very friendly to trans people right now so it's a whole thing.

I'm having more counselling and I know I don't have to do anything that puts me in danger. I've got time to deal with these feelings. But fuck me I wasn't prepared for this.

#internalised transphobia #coming out #agender #genderqueer #gender identity #nonbinary #transmasc maybe #bi butch #gender questioning #genderfluid #body dysphoria #gender nonconforming #trans rights are human rights #trans

[as8bakwthesage]

I don't know how common this is among fellow trans people who tend to have preferences for men in either sexual, romantic, or quasiplatonic ways, but as a trans person who has such preferences, I think I do struggle with some internalised transphobia.

Why do I say this? Because I've often wondered if I'd ever date a trans man. A part of thinks I would, but the other part of me thinks "...what if they don't have a penis?"

This is one of those topics that people have endless debates about, and I'm vocally on the side of the idea that "why should you care about the genitals someone has? Isn't there more to a relationship than just the sexual aspect of it?" And this just may also be my asexuality speaking, but that's a different conversation.

Regardless, I do say and believe that genitalia isn't important, but I also struggle with my own internal issues with dating trans people.

And what's weird is that the reason I've come around to the idea more and more of dating fellow trans people without penises is not because someone convinced me or because I did research on it.

It's just because I saw people making Medic, a character I self ship with, transgender.

I know that sounds super silly, but I think it's because I've already developed an attachment to the character and would be with him romantically in my fantasy world, that the idea of Medic being transgender doesn't make me uncomfortable or even uneasy. I just accept it and would kiss his silly face either way.

I am fully aware that this is probably just a "me" thing, but it's kind of nice how my self shipping habits have led me to having healthier relationships with myself and overcoming my own personal hurdles and internal issues.

So yeah, Medic is making me overcome my internalised transphobia, go figure. /lh

#aso rambles #internalised transphobia #genital preference #trans discourse #tf2 #team fortress 2 #self shipping

[frickityfrackityfuckingshit]

I didn’t feel safe to come out during highschool because I had a friend who would deadname and misgender trans people he didn’t like despite being trans himself.

Also when I came out as bi he thought I was only saying it because a bunch of our friends (including him) had come out about their sexualities and I just wanted to fit in.

#trans #closeted #I don’t know how to tag this #vent #internalised transphobia #? #or just general assholery #we’ll never know #also one of these trans people used to be in our friendship group #and he CHANGED BACK to deadname and old pronouns #like what the fuck

[auneth]

Hello, makin this poll for research purpouses, so please share it around for a bigger sample!!

This applies to LGBT+ members. How mamy of you have experienced internalised homophobia/transphobia? [For research's sake i have to keep it as vague as possible, so i can't go into detail]

#queer #lgbt #poll #trans #transgender #gay #lesbian #bisexual #pansexual #asexual #aromantic #aroace #internalised homophobia #internalised transphobia #research

[sometimesieatexpiredcatfoof]

Internalised transphobia sucks ASS

#internalised transphobia #internalized transphobia #transphobia #man

[elliottexists]

i hate how much of transphobia is just ignorance. i want to sit down with a transphobe and have a conversation. i want to tell them how i struggle every single day with this mental battle because i just want to make them understand but they all just refuse to listen. i think so much of the hate that trans folk get could be solved by an honest decent conversation about what it means to be trans and how it affects people and their lives but the people that carry that hate are so stuck in their minds that they will never spend a second just hear our voices. 

#man it frustrates me #i want to talk about how i feel without fear #i want to explain #i think this could be applied to multiple groups but i cant speak for them #transphobia #internalised transphobia

[willows-woes]

maybe you aren't nonbinary.

i know for sure that i am not male or female.

but you're fine with your birth pronouns? are you sure you need they/them?

yes. while i forced myself to be "fine" with my birth pronouns, they/them is preferred.

you're just faking to be part of the trans community.

half the trans community refuses to acknowledge that i exist. and faking? seriously? for 2 years? while being hesitant to tell anyone due to fear of criticism or transphobia? "faking" for 2 years, wishing i had a different body and feeling fake/uncomfortable every time someone refers to me as female? just because i can?

#internalised transphobia #trans #transgender #enby #nonbinary

[academicarchive]

i apologise to my mother for slaughtering her daughter

#poetry ig #burnout #mental health #poetry #academic #internalised transphobia #transgender #trans masc #trans trauma #writing #sad poem #sad poetry #sad post #trans poem

[shittywriterbrain]

the dumbest fucking thing is that i was exposed to very little transphobia before i discovered videos like jammidodger's or noah finnce's debunking transphobia and that's how i internalized it :)))

#this is so stupid #like theres someone trustworthy saying “hey this is wrong for these reasons” and im like uhuh ok sure but is it though? #like consciously i know it's bullshit because i LEARNED about these takes because someone said hey look at this bullshit take #but it still went past that barrier(?) in my brain and has made quite a comfortable home for itself #ok one take i actually heard my mom say like “maybe you'll find out you're just a lesbian” but that was one time #trans #transmasc #transphobia #internalised transphobia #trans problems

[cobwebbed-crow]

I see so much internalized transphobia in the trans community and it makes me so sad and angry.

Whenever I hear other trans people talking about how they wish they could be more than "just" a trans woman/man it really irks me.

Why does cisness have to be the pinnacle of gendered existence. Why are they the perfect models of what men and women should be?

When did we, as a community, decide that transgender is such an awful thing to be?

#I'm nonbinary #so these kinds of sentiments really get to me #I have to be out and proud if I want to be gendered correctly #and I don't think I should have to want to be cis #in order to be respected #I will never be more than 'just' a trans person #and that's ok #for the health of our community we have got to stop treating transness like it's a flaw #rant #vent #original post #transphobia #internalised transphobia #queer #nonbinary #trans community #trans

[notabled-noodle]

Re: your post about “I just think that cishet people underestimate how much queer people can be taught to hate themselves.”

It’s interesting you describe that as internalised homophobia because the idea of ‘wanting to make yourself straight over getting rid of queerphobia’ isn’t always that.

I don’t want to speak for your experience and it was internalised homophobia in your situation if you conceptualise it as that. But I feel like knowing you can ‘convince’ yourself you’re straight though the power of immense guilt/shame feels much easier than solving systemic discrimination - it’s not a good thing, but like on a level of ‘which one do I think I can accomplish’ it feels much easier (and probably is). I don’t think acknowledging that in itself is internalised homophobia (like knowing I have the capacity to majorly mess my life up in extremely negative ways doesn’t make me want to do that).

Hopefully that’s okay to send as an ask

I totally get where you're coming from, but... it's not about what's accomplishable, it's about desire. the example I used in the post was about getting handed a button that either erased your own queerness or erased queerphobia. for a long time, I would have taken the button that made me cishet.

I had no desire to rid the world of queerphobia, because I thought that the queerphobes were right. I thought that to be queer was to be disgusting, and that I needed to rid myself of this horrible affliction I'd been cursed with. I watched video upon video of conversion therapy messaging, even though I knew it wouldn't work. despite now being in a situation where 0% of my friends are cishet, I still have thoughts like that sometimes. I still lie awake at night praying that I'll wake up and become "normal". that's definitely internalised homophobia at work.

so. "it would be easier if I was just straight/cis" is not necessarily internalised homophobia/transphobia. however. what is definitely internalised queerphobia is "my queerness is horrible/sinful/disgusting and I need to get rid of it"

#internalised homophobia #internalised transphobia #internalised queerphobia #tw homophobia #tw transphobia #tw queerphobia #asks #queer

[rebeccaistrans]

Internalized transphobia is kinda confusing I’m ngl

A few days ago I was chatting to @hopefulmooncherryblossom and she asked if I had much internalised transphobia and I think some of what I said/realised is quite interesting/important so I will post it here. 

(Content warning for internalised transphobia)

Essentially, dysphoria and internalised transphobia often come hand in hand and are hard to differentiate. I like the example I used when talking to @hopefulmooncherryblossom so I’ll use that one. If for whatever reason I’m feeling sad/insecure/dysphoric, I may find myself stuck in the hole of "People don't/won't actually see you as a woman and are just using name/pronouns out of respect/obligation/whatever". This is definitely dysphoria, but also would easily be considered internalised transphobia. The two go hand in hand, it’s rare/impossible for me to experience one without the other. If I’m feeling dysphoric I’ll likely find myself dealing with internalised transphobia, and if something makes me dysphoric I’ll find myself with thoughts like the ones above.

Idk, I am bad at conclusions (my academic advisor told me as much /j) but the 2 are very much intertwined, and hard to separate a lot of the time and I thought that was worth talking about. Also this post is partially to blame for @hopefulmooncherryblossom joining this hellsite, so we also have that (sorry /j)

#trans #transgender #dysphoria #tw dysphoria #internalised transphobia #lgbt #lgbt+ #lgbtq+ #lgbtqiia+

[ladyarjuna]

Kawaguchi: Consider the implications.

There's not really a lot to consider.

Sure, that was nice and all, but it's over and it sure doesn't feel like anything's changed.

And it was a potion, a consumable. that's hardly something that can be sustained, especially given that Beacon, Kerry, and Monkhiin don't like you very much!

Relying on other people for, what would this even be??

You don't really feel any different.

You're still running behind Beacon and the others, and they're still so far ahead you can't even touch their shadow.

Sometimes, you'd wondered if it would be easier to be a girl.

Well, now you are sure, and the fact that it was amazing doesn't really change the hard biological fact in the black ice before you.

Sometimes you wish you didn't have to think so hard.

#internalised transphobia