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jyunshiim · 2 years

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Butterfly ⤷ Soobin X Fem!Reader au

Genre → some angst | melancholic | romance[ish]

Contains → angst | romance | Major character d3ath

Word count → 7.5k

TW → mentions of death, death, some triggering content [?]

Summary: Soobin’s closed off nature intrigued you to help him to open up and spread his wings to become a free spirit like you. Little did he know that you had your own dark secret.

-[ylia inspired]

The everlasting beauty of a frail butterfly; dainty, graceful but on the brink of it’s departure from the cruel world it was unwillingly brought into. He didn’t want to let go just yet and waited until he overcame his fears and stepped over oceans in order to vanquish the corroding fear he sustained. But when the pitiable soul finally reached his hand out, it was too late; the tenuous little butterfly flew far away, never to be seen again. The shattering pain like shards of glass piercing through his heart causing calamity to himself was too much to bear.

Winter had finally ended, iced leaves and soil would melt away to revive the preserved flora that resided in the school garden. Spring strided in, in a cheerful and bright manner reflecting it’s enlivening character through the vegetation. Soobin, a reserved 17 year old, shyly walked in through the high school gates clasping onto his bag strap and biting his bottom lip nervously. His charcoal hair that was parted through the middle perched on his forehead almost covering his eyes which were like a pair of black tourmaline crystals, glistening like tapioca pearls.He was shy although his talents were never unseen; he was a prodigy in music and he was the quiet musical genius. Soobin was an acquiescent child and student, carefully practicing and studying his music outside of school hours with his parents. They were tough on him, the strict rules were almost cruel, however Soobin wasn’t one to tell nor complain about his home life and studies. His schedule was quite simple - school, homework and study, then music practice for the rest of the night until he fell asleep at his piano or with his guitar in his desk chair. His mother was an award winning musician as well as his father thus the strict teaching he was experiencing very much daily. The frustration was overwhelming. He wanted to run away from it all and give up the music career his parents pleaded for but that would be classified as treason to his parents especially since they both were no longer with him. They wished for their son to follow their footsteps and continue their legacy and giving up on that wish would be like giving up on them. They passed away 2 years ago when Soobin was 15 years old on their way to his recital which was performed in front of a very large audience. He waited for them to arrive even after he performed his piece, rang them multiple times but no answer. Not even a call back. Then the traumatic news was broadcasted backstage that there was an extreme collision that caused 2 deaths and 3 injuries; the two deaths being none other than his parents. Soobin cried silently in pain since he recognised the car. It was indeed traumatic for a 15 year old boy but now, he had no one. His aunt heard the news and decided to take care of him soon after the traumatising incident but since then, Soobin was never the same.

The sun was warmly beaming down to the newly tarmacked walkway into the school as Soobin slowly walked in through the school gate spotting his friends sitting on some stairs. Yeonjun was his longest friend; they met through a music academy when they were ten years old before Yeonjun left to focus on his academics rather than music. Yeonjun was like a battery for Soobin, always full of energy and enthusiasm making sure Soobin doesn’t miss out during the peak of his teenage years. There was also Arin too, she too was a part of Soobin’s music academy however specialised in classical music especially with violin and also vocals - more specifically opera. Arin was incredibly focused on her musical career and wished to perform worldwide with both her violin and singing. For Soobin, she was more of a third parent pushing him to do better and to attend the extra rehearsal hours although in a much more polite and loving manner than his parents were. She was supportive, more supportive than anyone in his life could ever be. Soobin swallowed hard as if he were swallowing a pill and waved at them before sitting next to Yeonjun.

“You’re early today,” Yeojun’s eyes turned into a crescent shape as he smiled hard at Soobin. It was endearing to Soobin, he appreciated the unconditional love and support he got from Yeonjun, something an older brother would provide. “We got you this because you always miss breakfast,” Arin smiled lovingly from the other side of Yeonjun “make sure you have it or else,” She points at him in a semi threatening way. Soobin nods and smiles, looking down at the strawberry milk and cinnamon bun he was given. He never had breakfast, lunch or dinner with his parents and when he did, the outcome was always negative; his mother or father, sometimes even both, would end up leaving to do something with their work or Soobin would eat at home alone when his parents were out grading other music students or judging at music competitions. With his aunt, she would be busy working but she would try her best, so that was a positive.

The deafening sound of the school bell rang and the almost silent hallways became boisterous and cramped as students were pushing and shoving to get to their classes. Soobin had a literature class first thing to which he left early for since he was naturally prompt to anything. He seats himself in the far back, left hand corner near the window, opening his bag to grab his books and his pens. He hated literature. Somehow he dragged himself through it every day and did extra study just to get high grades in his class. He gazes outside whilst the teacher reads the extracts for the class except usually, there isn’t anything that catches his eye except today but before he could even process what was happening, the teacher caught him out of focus. “Soobin, maybe you can read for the class since you know it already and instead, staring outside,” oh my god, why.

After his morning classes, the three sit outside together and Yeonjun leans back onto his hands groaning. “Soobin, are you free today to hang out at the park?” Soobin looks up to Yeonjun. “I don’t know, I have to practice at home and-” Arin interrupts Soobin. “What if you practice with me, your aunt won't know?” Soobin thinks for a moment. “You want me to lie to her?” He gulps hard. “well no, because if you bring your guitar out they wouldn’t suspect a thing, right?” Arin had a good point and it was a scheme he never thought of because of the fear of his aunt getting mad at him. “I’ll do that today then!” Soobin’s face brightened up from a dismal monotonous expression, to a smile that could cure anything. His aunt was kind but he wasn’t used to that kind of upbringing so instead of lying to her, he wanted to tell her the truth. After the break, it was math class and Soobin walked over to his class alone and was going to sit at his desk. He froze as he saw an unfamiliar face sitting at his desk, her expression as if she were a deer in headlights. She was neatly put together, a silver heart shaped hair pin keeping one side of her hair back and her belongings were neatly placed on the desk. Soobin felt too guilty asking her to move so he went to sit in front of her since that was the empty seat - she must’ve gotten confused. Soon after Soobin sat down, students were cramming through the doorway so they weren’t late. Luckily, his mathematics teacher was lenient to a couple to a few late comers, mistakes are a human action. As some students passed notes, whispered their answers and other gossip, Soobin was dazed glaring at the ticking clock that was timing every second that went by. He heard shuffling and a chair clawing at the floor which irritated him but Soobin wasn’t a person to get mad quickly though it did come from behind. The girl was straining her neck to look at the teacher’s answers and whatever notes were on the board. There was one of two things he could have done: either change seats or pass his notes back. He passed his notes back simply because he didn't want to disrupt the lesson but Soobin reminded himself to let her know to change seats with her. Coyly, Soobin turned around, moving the hair that perched above his eyes, and pushed the notebook towards this student to which she sat back in her chair and gave a cordial smile.

“Thank you,” she whispered, also attempting not to bring too much attention to herself. “I couldn’t see very well so thank you so much!”

Soobin nodded his head. “It’s okay, you’re in my seat anyway,” he was reluctant to just tell her but it was easier to just let her know so she didn’t have to suffer another neck cramp.

Ringing flooded the hallways simultaneously, so did the students. There was a tug on Soobin’s sweater which brought him to a halt; “i’m sorry I took your seat, someone pointed at one of them and I-” she was interrupted by Soobin himself.

“Hey, it’s fine, we’ll just swap next time okay?” his tone sounded sardonic although it wasn't his intention. “Oh okay, maybe I could buy you lunch?” she hesitated. “Straight up the hallway and take a left then up again and a right, that’s where the cafeteria is,” Soobin immediately knew she was a new student and needed time to adjust to the new environment.

“How did you know!” she gasped, hands over her ‘O’ shaped mouth. “It’s pretty obvious,” the raven haired boy shrugs, smiles and departs from the maths classroom.

His phone glows a blue light back at him as he opens the text chat with his aunt; “would I be able to hang out with my friends today and have a one day break from practice please?” he messages her hoping she would be kind enough to say yes. His heart was beating tumultuously and he was indeed agitated from the plethora of emotions that swarmed his mind viciously.

“Of course my beloved nephew, you are so well behaved and old enough to go out and have a bit of fun! Just make sure you don’t go in your uniform okay?” Why weren’t my parents like this?

The new girl's energy stuck with him for the rest of the day. His friends were waiting for him at the park nearby the school since that’s where they usually hang out though Soobin had to make a quick stop home before meeting with them. Fortunately, he lived around 20 minutes away by foot, crossing a bridge that loomed over a river. It was at its most captivating moment for the flowers on the trees were blooming rapidly and often fell to the ground. Soobin would collect some petals and keep them in a box since dried flowers were far more memorable and longer lasting than fresh ones. With a sprint, he opened his door, stumbling over his own feet as he tried to get his shoes off and changed into something more fitting than his uniform; he was a simple boy so a white t-shirt and a pair of black joggers were enough for him. Click! The sound of the bluetooth earphone case closed and Soobin put them in to speed up his walk to the park. Meandering through the people around, the breeze travelled at a soft pace just like Soobin walked. Steadily and carefully, he made sure he was aware of his surroundings and greeted the kind couple who owned the bakery near the park. A large trunked oak tree grew so he could recognise the bakery from afar.

The off-white gazebo reflected the sun’s rays, it’s wide roof sheltering teenagers and even the elderly from the blazing sun during summer or the leaves and conkers that fell from the trees. Buzz! Soobin’s phone vibrated in his pocket; it was Yeonjun. “Yah, I told you not to take so long? Where are you?” he texted, it sounded a little passive aggressive but it was Yeonjun aggressively expressing his platonic admiration for him. “I’m nearly he-” Soobin collided with something. It was with great force which left him on the floor.

“Oh my, are you okay? I didn’t know my violin hit you that hard I-” a feminine voice spoke. It was familiar; the voice was feminine but not high pitched and animated yet had a soft sound to it. “Yeah, I’m- I’m fine don’t worry, the top of it just hit my eye? No my head? I don’t know,” he groaned. He feels her hand on his face though he didn’t feel quite comfortable with her touching his face so he gently brushed it off. “Don’t worry about it,” He had one eye open and the other under his palm. “How can I not worry!” she sounded rather aggravated rather than upset. “Are you being serious?” her voice changed from worry to annoyance. “Seriously, I can deal with it,” Soobin gets up and walks away towards the gazebo where Yeonjun, Arin and another friend Beomgyu sit together eating snacks from the convenience store.

“I see you met her,” Arin greets. “Who? Violin, seat stealer?” Soobin looks at Arin bewildered yet keen to know more. “Yeah that’s the new girl, y/n, she transferred recently from her old school no one really knows why,” Arin shrugs whilst offering a peach slice. “Right, let’s not talk about her right now…” Soobin sighs. “What? How can I not? She’s with us, we told her you’re coming with your guitar,” I forgot my guitar, now what. “Ah, well I was assaulted with that violin of hers.” A patch above his eye reddens. Yeonjun points above Soobin’s eye; “what happened?” he reaches out to touch it but Soobin flinches. “Just a series of unfortunate events,” Soobin shrugs and sits down.

Everything happens for a reason from the small sprout of a flower to the wither and decay of another. Soobin thought he was just a mere side character in Yeonjun’s buoyant life; he looked up to Yeonjun a lot since he was something he lacked. Yeonjun was a vivacious person who was talented in many areas such as sport and art. He was outgoing and friendly to almost everyone he encountered which reminded Soobin of the first time he met Yeonjun. They were both 12 years old and there was a football tournament that was between two schools. Soobin was on one team and Yeonjun was on the opposing team though Soobin wasn’t very good at sport. During the game Soobin tripped over and fell many times due to his clumsiness however, Yeonjun helped him everytime and was caring towards him. Their friendship sparked from there on as Yeonjun invited him to his 11th birthday party and they have been so close since.

y/n walked towards the group that were sitting under the gazebo and put down her violin case in front of her.

“Thanks for inviting me to hang out with your guys! It means a lot to me since I don’t know many people here,” her cheeks were tainted a pinkish hue since she was both flustered from earlier and from the beaming sun. “i nothing, really, Yeonjun and Soobin did the same when I was pretty lonely,” Arin nudged Yeonjun. “All thanks to me, i know i know,” Yeonjun turned an awkward situation into a light hearted joke which uplifted Soobin by the slightest. “So what do you do y/n, actually where did you used to go?” Yeonjun asked and Soobin remained quiet. He didn’t know whether it was due to being closed off to new people or whether he just didn’t want to speak. “Oh I used to go to the school that was passed the crossroads about half an hour from here but I moved because of personal problems over there nothing too major,” she let out a weak laugh. “I play the violin though and I have ever since I went to see the first ever music competition when I was younger, music just moves me,” she glances at Soobin as he just nods to her words. “How about you Soobin, what do you do?” a bit too specific how she chose to talk to me… “ oh I play the piano and the guitar that’s about all though,” Soobin was very shy to new people and didn’t know how to start opening up and talking to people. Yeonjun broke the barrier himself which was a skill no one else had. “That’s cool! I would love to see you play some time,” y/n suggests which causes some dismay within Soobin but he nods kindly. “Soobin is so picky with who he plays for,” Arin teases him. “That’s not why I-” Soobin stops himself, what if he said something wrong? “Don’t worry.”

The park began to quieten down as parents and their children departed for the evening. Young couples and elderly couples would walk together hand in hand with the pure essence of love and adoration emitting from their hearts. Yeonjun left first to arrive home to assist his parents in preparing dinner, Arin left soon after since she had to study for a test, it was only Soobin and y/n left behind. “Are you doing anything this evening?” y/n asks as she props her violin bag on her back and brushes the back of her dress down. “Oh probably not, i’ll be helping my aunt at her restaurant,” he nods, forcing a smile since the atmosphere became extremely awkward. “That’s nice! How about your parent’s? Will you be joining them for dinner?” Soobin stood, the forced smile dropping instantly. “No, i won’t please don’t ask again,” he grabs his belongings and turns around leaving her behind. Y/n stood in shock, unsure of what she did; “hey! Soobin wait!” He runs after him with the violin hitting her back. She trips over a pothole in the grass, which was dug up by a dog or a fox, and grazes her knee. Soobin stopped and turned around to see y/n on the ground with a grazed knee and what sounded like y/n struggling to breathe. Was she that eager to stop me? “Hey, are you okay?” he jogs over feeling guilty. “I’m f-fine, i’m fine,” she heaves to desperately, “i-i’m sorry,” she wheezes. “Don’t worry about that, are you okay? your condition seems to be deteriorating?” He helped her up since no one else was around and the sun began to graze the horizon. After a few sips of water and sitting up straight on a nearby bench with Soobin accompanying her, she felt better. “Thanks for not abandoning me, leaving me to suffer,” she nods. “When you put it in that way, it’s like I wanted to kill you,” Soobin leans back into the bench. “Are you okay to get home?” he asks hesitantly. She nods, not exchanging words with him. “I’ll see you tomorrow?” He stands up. “I go that way too,” she points at the direction Soobin was facing. What does the universe want from me? “Oh well, we can walk together if you want to?”. Y/n stands up and begins walking along side Soobin.

Y/n wasn’t always as outgoing and bubbly as she was now. She was shy and reserved and didn’t speak out much thus being a victim of bullying when she was younger. Although it wasn’t any type of bullying such as name calling, it was much more serious to the point where foul words and violence diminished her self esteem and confidence to fight back. For 6 years she suffered abuse from her previous school to which it was compulsory to leave since her life was in danger. Her unfortunate fate also led her to be hospitalised a few months for an unknown condition which continued to weaken as time passed and was detrimental to her health. Transferring schools and starting fresh was something she wished to do just in case she didn’t have long left which therefore allowed her to become more outgoing and elated than she was before. To her, Soobin mirrored where she was before although he had secrets she didn’t know just like herself. She wanted to live life with no regrets and so she began …

Y/n stopped at a small shop, “this is where I live,” she alerts Soobin so he didn’t have to wait for her. Soobin’s eyes scanned the area; a small bakery next door to a convenience store and a block of apartments directly next door. “Must be very useful to have a convenience store and a bakery nearby,” he says. “It is, my father owns the convenience store which is useful,” y/n taps the code into the entrance door. “I’ll see you soon,” she waves, smiling ear to ear. She was on the brink of fainting and in pain but it was as if it never happened.

Soobin didn’t understand her although curiosity consumed him. He wanted to understand her but he also felt like he knew everything he could ever know about her. Maybe he should give her a chance?

He pondered outside of the store before he turned around, clutching onto his bag strap and walking home on his own. The setting suns rays reflected onto the glossy river, shooting back up to the sky. He stood at the bridge inhaling the air sharply.

The following day Soobin takes the same route to school and he sees her waiting outside the store with two drinks. “hey, i thought you’d take the other route!” She passed one to Soobin. Tonelessly, Soobin retrieved the milky drink from her; it was already pierced through for him and he sipped at it whilst walking along side her.

“How was your evening yesterday? did you have a good dinner? how was the homework? I found the maths task really hard, did you? i need help on it, want to study with me later” Her animated nature was quite much for Soobin to bear.

“o-oh well I,” he begins choking up on his drink.

“oh! i’m so sorry!” She pauses and pats Soobins back. Soobin exchanges some glances with her, his ears burning from embarrassment.

“You have a lot to say, I can barely keep up just slow down,” he mumbles exasperatedly.

Soobin needed some time getting used to the violinist.

She would follow him everywhere he went; to the cafeteria, the rooftop, to the library or the basketball court. Wherever he was, she was. Her buoyance was somewhat invigorating to Soobin since he spent most of his life in isolation, studying alone all the time. He didn't have hobbies he enjoyed so she did all she could to bring out his playfulness. Of course, she hasn’t succeeded yet but Yeonjun and Arin have hope in her.

The library was quiet today. There were a couple students dotted around the room with their heads engrossed into their textbooks. “Soobin, this way I like this seat!” She drags him at his shirt sleeve. “w-wow slow down, this is a library not a running track,” Soobin sounded irritated but she didn’t care, she tried and was patient with him. “I got some snacks for us from the store, Yeonjun told me you like sausage, bread and banana or strawberry milk so I got everything!” Her smile went from one ear to the other, the aura she emitted being warm and gentle. She cared. “oh, thanks.” Soobin nodded as he started biting his lips. “hey stop that!” her fingers brush against his lips as she swats his hands away. Soobin’s cheeks redden and his heart race quickens. He strikes her hand away from his face; “ you can just ask or leave me be, you dont need to touch me,” His demeanour changes ever so slightly, he seemed unreadable. “ you wanted help with math, so let’s start from there.” He was stern and serious with her now but a spark of guilt hit him where it hurt. His guardians were exactly this way to him, no play or enjoyment, just study and work. She sat quietly listening to Soobin teach her until 2 hours into the study, Soobin checked his watch. “i’m leaving now,” he stands up packing his bags. “oh okay,” she gulps and clears her throat, “i’m sorry by the way, I didn’t mean to invade your space.” she frowns, her lips trembling and her voice cracking as she speaks. Soobin realises what he had done; “i’m sorry for reacting that way.” he said clearly and loud enough for her to hear before departing from her.

S: did i got too far? did i hurt her? that was so awful of me why did i say that and why did i react like that! i feel bad… maybe i should do something to apologise….

The following day, Soobin arrived to his class early. He left a strawberry carton milk box and a cinnamon roll on her desk, it’s the least he could do. Yeonjun arrived and then Arin followed by she did not arrive at the same time. Soobin waited. 1st period went by and she still didn't arrive.

“Arin, do you know where she is?” Soobin asked his friend.

“uhh i think she told me she’s arriving in period 2, so now - oh look, there she is!” Arin waves at the girl and Soobins cheeks go red. She looks at the items on her desk and back at him before sitting down although the expression was only a slight smile.

Once the class ended, she turned around to Soobin.

“so you got these to apologise me me right?” her raised brow felt as if she was taunting Soobin. He didn't respond because of the sheer embarrassment he’d feel. “it’s okay you’re forgiven, i was trying to be nice to you maybe you should loosen up a bit” she pokes him.

Maybe she’s right. Maybe the world would be a little bit different if he didn’t act so closed off.

“are you free after? we can hang out for a bit?” she asks and she takes a small bite into the cinnamon roll he gave her. Soobin thought about it before answering.

“sure.”

and from then on everything began to change.

The weather was warm, the sun beaming down to Soobin as they both walked side by side. She skips down the pavement as she smiles hard; she was so happy today but Soobin thought this was just how she is. “hey let’s go to this café!” she points at a minimal, white and green coffee and cake shop. She had a sweet tooth by the looks of it. Soobin kept looking at his watch, slightly frenzied. He didn't want his aunt to think he wasn’t studying or that he wasn't practicing despite giving up on his guitar and piano lessons and not going back. He walked into the store, the interior decorated with green plants, white and wooden furniture along with a piano in the corner. “Lets go order before we sit down, I really like the strawberry latte they do here, the caramel latte with cream is really good too,” she went on about her favourite menu items and Soobin listened. He paid attention to what she said and took the time to get to know her. Soobin situated himself in a corner that was away from the door, in a small nookish area secluded from the rest of the shop. This was because of the piano. He glares at the piano and all the memories come back from his childhood of his mother and how harrowing his aunt and uncle were. He covers his hands slightly, clearing his throat and takes a long sip of his drink as she watches the liquid go down in moments.

“woah, you were thirsty… at this rate you’ll need another drink! why dont you try this matcha cake?” She cuts off a piece on the fork and holds it up. Soobin looked at her for a moment, her eyes large, glittery and glossy in the shop's lighting; her cheeks were a light pinkish hue from the warmth. He didn't know whether to eat from the fork or take it from her but something told him to just let her be. He leaned forward, his mouth agape, taking the small portion of the cake into his mouth as his rosy lips grazed the fork.

“mm, this is quite nice,” it was the first time Soobin smiled over something so trivial. She didn't say anything and let it be, she liked seeing Soobin smile for the first time.

–

“Can you play that?” you ask.

“what the piano?” Soobin tenses up slightly.

“yeah? you seem to be studying or practising something so it’s worth asking,”

Soobin stares at you hesitant in his response to you. Does he confess his conflicted love for music or does he lie?

“ I practice guitar and piano, my aunt makes me,” his eyes avoid any eye contact with you.

Without words being said, you grab his had setting a tsunami of emotions through Soobin. His cheeks flare up a cardinal red, his throat becoming tight from the anxiousness he endured within those few seconds.

“Play something!” you lean against the piano, keen to listen to Soobin and his hidden talents.

Soobin was nervous. The palms of his hands were speckled with sweat; he dragged them onto his thighs to dry them before taking a deep breath though the more he inhaled the less he felt he could breathe. However, the moment his delicate fingers descended onto the piano keys, everyone’s eyes shot towards the boy at the piano, his head hanging low as he avoided eye contact.

That was the day that you were able to change Soobin’s passion and what he loved.

Once he finished his piece, the café applauded him for his efforts and praised him for his talents. “see I knew you’d be so good!” You praised him too. Soobin smiled and felt something he hadn’t felt for a long time ever since his parents passed away. “It felt nice to perform without the weight of the world on my shoulders,” Soobin sat down and shyly looked down. He felt proud of himself that he could perform without his aunt at his throat everyday or every minor mistake.

Months went by where you and Soobin spent almost all your time together. You helped Soobin crawl out of his shell slowly and allowed him to be comfortable with himself. You were relieved. The Soobin you once saw a long time ago is back although his smile was brighter than the stars on a summer night. He felt happy. He was happy.

Soobin waited for you at the bus stop near the school entrance to walk in with you along with Arin and Yeonjun. “did she tell you she’d be here or even come in today Soobin?” Arin asks Soobin rather sceptical about the situation.

“yes! she said to wait here, she’ll probably be here any moment…” Soobin insisted.

“well.. we are getting late …” Arin shrugs.

“Arin you can go in first, just tell the teachers that we’re running late and … make up an excuse or something you’re good at that!” Yeonjun ousted her away so she wouldn't complain anymore.

He waited for you until he couldn't wait any longer and sent you a message.

Your phone buzzed on the bedside table, the dripping of the IV becoming oddly louder every second that went by, the nurses muttering behind the curtains. Was I going to die? Why did no one tell me anything? You tried to reach over to your phone accidentally knocking over the water glass onto the floor alerting the nurses. “Oh my goodness are you okay sweetheart?” The main nurse exclaims in shock.

“uh.. oh yes ma’am I’m fine I tried to reach for my phone and I knocked it over i’m so sorry..” you say quietly feeling like a nuisance even in the hospital. You sighed to yourself.

“It’s time for some tests, are you okay for us to take you to another room?” A nurse asks politely. Her tone sounded sickly sweet; it was sympathy. She felt sorry for a sick patient like you although you really didn’t want this sort of attention at all. You sat in the wheelchair they provided since your body was too weak from the medication that you have been taking and sat in another room awaiting for scans and a bunch of other medical things. You wondered when you’d get better.

Soobin: Hey are you okay? did you decide to skip today

Your fingers hovered over the letters wondering what to say...

You: haha! of course I did.. live life a little right!

You lied to Soobin and it felt gut wrenching.

You were in and out of hospital every few months and sometimes for weeks which began to concern Soobin. He messaged you every time asking where you were and whether you were going to practice with him, but it was the same thing every single time.

Soobin: where have you been lately? you keep bailing on me and I don't know why can you please give me a proper reason?

You began to type.

You: I'm sorry I keep changing plans and things like that but

Soobin: But?

You: I’ve been in and out of the hospital a lot more than usual. My condition has gotten worse over time but the doctors and taking good care of me and making sure I'm all okay! so don't worry !!

You tried to make it sound like it was a good thing but in what world did that sound right?

Soobin: what! what do you mean the hospital? why didn't you tell us! I'm telling the others and we are on our way.

You: don't worry too much, I promise I'll be fine.

From then on Soobin visited you every single day along with Yeonjun or Arin or even both. They brought you your favourite snacks and foods and made sure you were okay which was really nice. You had hope everything will be fixed and you would feel better soon. Little did you know, your health was deteriorating further, becoming more severe to the point where you had to drop out of school for a full recovery.

You gazed out of the window of your room in the hospital, sitting on the edge of the bed holding the steamed bun Soobin just dropped off to you. It was still warm. It reminded you how cold Soobin used to be and how warm and kind he was now since all he needed was some attention and some care. He was just as broken as you were and you were glad to piece him back together and make him the person he is. Yeonjun sent you a video; you lift your phone up and press play on the video of Soobin busking with a bright smile. You let a butterfly free from it’s enclosure and he was graceful as ever. The song he played was a love song and your ignorance didn't realise the song Soobin was singing was in fact for you. You mixed up the message conveyed through what Yeonjun sent thinking he was confessing his adoration and love for you.

You: that was really cute Yeonjun but I have feelings for someone else.

From here on, things got complicated. Yeonjun told Soobin what you said and Soobin felt hurt. From a minor misunderstanding Soobin felt distraught and pained so he sat on his bed that evening thinking that he shouldn't have told Yeonjun to send that video at all. He shrugged it off as much as he could. Soobin didn’t deny to himself now that he had fallen for you and it was evident he was deep into he feelings. He assured himself. it’ll be fine if he didn’t mention it anymore until you mentioned it to him.

Spring returned in the new year and the blossoms were blooming again. You sat from your hospital bed watching the petals float around gracefully in the gentle breeze as you began to write pages and pages of empty words, your aching hand cramping up. Your joints were sore from writing so much though there wasn't much to do than take your medication and listen to the nurse be overly nice to you. You reminisced about the times you danced carelessly through the floating petals, the smell of freshly cut grass that made you sneeze at times, or when you sat under the gazebo with your friends. It was true bliss. You regretted the times you took everything for granted, all the joy that you felt then, you felt in the moment and now... it was just memories that would be erased at some point. You seal the envelope with the stickers Arin gave you and put it in the draws next to you. You sigh.

“hello?” you hear a faint whisper.

“hey Soobin,” you smile, excited to see him.

“ I got you some fresh bread because I know you like them!” he smiles as he puts them down on the table. “are you doing okay?” he asks with concern.

“much better,” you smile at him, his large tapioca eyes glossing slightly as he softly pats your arm.

“I’m here with my aunt on my way to a recital, I'll send you videos!”

Soobin was considerate. He made sure you weren’t alone and were entertained. You felt comfortable even if you were at your worst, he made sure you were feeling the best although Soobin felt some sort of affliction after what Yeonjun showed him. It was fine since he cared about you so much that it didn't even matter.

April 23rd.

Soobin visits you again but this time you wanted to ask him for a favour. “Soobin,” you begin, “I want to go outside.”

“outside? are you allowed?” His eyes widen.

“kinda, help me up,” you ask him, his hand firmly gripping onto your frail shoulders so you didn't fall and the other around you so you didn't stumble. You and Soobin waddle slowly out of the room into the courtyard like area.

You grip onto the envelope tightly. “I missed feeling the sun and the breeze like this, it’s so refreshing!”

“It is, spring is my favourite season. Not too hot, not too cold,”He leaned back into the bench. “we miss you at school you know,” he turned to you, your face draining of its colour.

“yeah, it really sucks that I'm sick but it’ll get better and we can hang out again just like this,” you inhale deeply, sighing.

“I hope you do, we should go back to that café again with the piano and we could duet together! and take Arin and Yeonjun too!” Soobin sounded excited.

Your energy remained low but Soobin didn’t mind. He understood how tired you must have been. “oh I have this by the way, open it on your birthday!” you say clearing your throat.

“that’s a bit early isn’t it?” Soobin questions you slightly confused.

“I might still be recovering or still getting treatment so I might not have time to get you something, just keep it’ you say before standing up alone.

You regretted it. Your head felt dizzy and you felt faint. Your condition had worsened over time and you missed your medication to which you fainted collapsing to the group. The last thing you heard was Sobbing yelp, shouting for help as he tried to take you back to your hospital room.

Your condition was critical now and visitors were only allowed if they were close family such as parents or siblings. Soobin blamed himself that day since he broke the rules and suffered the consequences. Maybe his aunt was right, we have to always follow rules or someone will get hurt. Soobin messaged you day after day although you had no strength to answer him. You tried although the conversations were short although despite that, Soobin told you everything including the little black cat that you guys would always see. you missed being with him. Though your body began to shut down slowly and doctors would do everything they could to keep you stable. The beeping got to you. The constant

beep

It made you impatient.

December rolls around and Soobin’s birthday approaches. He opens the envelope excitedly to see what the gift was from you since he couldn't see you in person.

“ Dear Soobin,

I’m truly sorry I had to wish you a happy birthday like this however I knew that around now I wasn't going to make it. You may wonder what I mean by that and no I don't mean I'm simply missing your birthday but because of my condition.

My condition has been shutting my body down making me weak. At any moment I could hurt myself so that’s why I had to stay in my confined space at the hospital. The view is nice although the food did not taste good at all - except for the food you brought me thank you. By now you must’ve done a lot; met up with Yeonjun and Arin, been to more recitals, practiced playing your guitar and piano more - just living your life happily as you should have been. You’re lucky to have this life, cherish it. I wish I had enough time to enjoy everything but being stuck to a bed for almost 3 months makes you feel like a zombie if I'm really honest.

I’m sorry I lied about being okay and that the doctors would somehow fix me but the condition was unfixable from the start. The medication only slowed it down and yet it still felt like I was disintegrating. However, I wanted to mention something I should have a really long time ago.

I really really liked you. Not a simple platonic like. You made my heart yearn to see you more, to be with you more. You were the reason why I kept trying and pushing harder because I liked you so much. I guess you could call it love but I felt awkward telling you because Yeonjun sent me your busking video of that one love song which I assumed he was confessing to me with but I liked you. You were the only one in my heart and I would die with you in my heart. I felt like you wanted to stay as friends so I kept it to myself but whenever you are reading this, I’m sorry if it's too late.

[...]

By now I don’t think I would have made it but don't worry, we would meet again under the gazebo in spring, you have to promise me that. I just want you to know you did a lot to make me happy and I’m glad we could be in each others lives so thank you for making it better.

I hope you have Happy birthday and enjoy your day with Arin snd Yeonjun. I will miss you forever...

Lots of love,

....”

Soobin froze. No tears, no reaction. What did he just read? was this a prank? It couldn’t be... “she can’t have left me, I didn't tell her!” he yells. Yeonjun’s head shoots up from his phone. “what’s wrong?” He locks eyes with Soobin, teary eyed Soobin, grasping the letter in his hands.

“d-did you know she was sick?” his voice cracks.

“what? no! I didn't, what's happening?” Yeonjun’s confusion frustrates Soobin.

“she’s gone... she was sick for a long time and she’s gone and she didn't tell us.. and I didn't tell her what I wanted to,” he immediately breaks down.

Yeonjun also froze at the news. “She left without telling us so we wouldn't be hurt but told you because she-”

“she loved me back.” Soobin buries his head into his hands “she felt the same and she thought you liked her and I didn't,”

Soobin was hysterical. He couldn't control his emotions despite Yeonjun attempting to calm him down.

He didn’t want to let go just yet. He overcame his fears and stepped over oceans in order to vanquish the corroding fear he sustained. But when he, pitiable soul, attempted to finally reached his hand out, it was too late; the tenuous little butterfly flew far away, never to be seen again. The shattering pain like shards of glass piercing through his heart causing calamity to himself was too much to bear though the butterfly, that flew far far away, was now distant from the pain they endured, living peacefully waiting for him to arrive under the gazebo during spring.

[...]

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