#lgbtq essay

[flannelsandviolets]

google searching "am i butch?" || 001

It starts with an idea, a possibility. Could I be butch? 

I’ve known that I like women ever since I discovered it was possible - that was around the age of 11 or 12. Over the years, I’ve fluctuated between bisexual, pansexual, queer, sapphic, but eventually at age 22 coming to the conclusion that I am, most likely, just a lesbian. 

I’ve also been on a journey with my gender identity - at age 14 I came out as a trans man, and I lived as a trans man for seven years. However, people change over time, and people’s identities can change too. I realized earlier this year that I no longer identified as a trans man, in fact, I didn’t really identify with any gender at all. I started labeling myself as agender. I stopped taking testosterone (for several reasons). 

For several months, I thought about what I wanted to do moving forward. Life would surely be easier if I no longer made my transness visible and public… so after those months of deliberation, I decided to detransition and try to live as a woman. This didn’t last very long. I went into a residential mental health treatment program, and being in a social setting with dozens of my peers quickly made me realize something. I didn’t want to be perceived as a woman, I didn’t want to live as a woman, there was something fundamentally unrelatable about womanhood. But I didn’t want to live as a man either. I am nonbinary, and I wanted to be perceived that way. So I came out again, explaining what I have just explained to you, that I don’t want to try to force myself to live as a woman when I am not one - even if it would be “easier” I would not be happy. 

I’m still very connected to masculinity, even though I am no longer a man. And I’m still very connected to femininity, even though I feel so disconnected from womanhood itself; I was raised female, I was socialized as female, I have spent about two-thirds of my life as female, of course I feel some sort of connection to it. This dichotomy of feeling simultaneously masculine and feminine is pretty damn confusing, and might deserve its own post eventually. But for right now, I am content with knowing I live with a foot in each world. 

That brings us to where I am today. I’m firm in my identity as an agender queer lesbian. I started to learn more about being a lesbian and different identities within the lesbian community, and that led to learning about being butch. At first, I thought I knew what being butch meant - that’s just a masculine lesbian, right? 

Doing some research, especially hearing directly from people who identified as butch, showed me that my view of butchness was very narrow. Being butch is more than just being a masculine lesbian. It’s a gender identity, it’s a feeling. It’s a choice, and simultaneously it’s not a choice - being butch is integral to who you are, it’s not a costume you can take on or off. But choosing to embody that identity, that part is a choice. Is being butch even something I can claim for myself? Or do I have to wait for others to view me in that way, to perceive me as masculine enough to deserve the title? There’s this energy, this feeling, that I am masculine and feminine all at once, I am this weird little creature who doesn’t quite fit in either world. Being butch is about how I present myself, and it’s about how I feel inside. 

I’ve spent so long rejecting the label of “butch” that I never stopped to explore what it could mean for me. “I can’t be butch, I’m a trans man,” or, “I can’t be butch, I like some feminine things.” 

I think being butch can give me a new lens to view my connection to womanhood and femininity. My gender and my sexuality are both so deeply and inherently tied to the experience of womanhood (or lack of it), and trying to describe those experiences in any other words, words that DON’T acknowledge those ties, is simply insufficient. But trying to define myself as a woman is not accurate either, even as a butch woman. I am agender, I am queer, I am sapphic. And I just might be butch too. 

#queer #queer essay #lgbtq #lgbtq essay #my queer diary #lesbian #lesbian essay #butch #butch lesbian #personal post #nonbinary lesbian #nb lesbian

[androgynealienfemme]

"I know what butch is. Butches are not beginner FTMs, except that sometimes they are, but it's not a continuum except when it is. Butch is not a trans identity unless the butch in question says it is, in which case it is, unless the tranny in question says it isn't, in which case it's not. There is no such thing as butch flight, no matter what the femmes or elders say, unless saying that invalidates the opinions of femmes in a sexist fashion or the opinions of elders in an ageist fashion. Or if they're right. But they are not, because butch and transgender are the same thing with different names, except that butch is not a trans identity, unless it is; see above."

-"I KNOW WHAT BUTCH IS", Butch is a Noun, Essays by S. Bear Bergman (2006)

#butch is a noun #s. bear bergman #lesbian #lesbianism #transgender #trans man #butch #butch lesbian #trans butch #transmasculine #gender stuff #trans lit #lesbian lit #this essay fucking rocks #lgbtq+ writing #lgbt writing

[thebobbu]

The good news about Hbomberguy's plagiarism video for everyone who used to like James Somerton (I recently discovered him and hadn't got to any of the misogynistic shit yet), is that the queer analysis we liked is still out there - just not written by the thieving little shite. Great place to start is the playlist Harry created of plagarised or otherwise hardworking (but underrated) creators:

https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLRGz5EMig3r2ZDgeGzwUlSz-PzF-L1Xu1&si=KqFfYA1NntIA3JG_

Also, as he's gonna send the profits to the writers James yoinked (without the twist) from, if you wanna help financially, you could always just... Put the video on in the background on repeat...

Tangentially, I met Harry a few years back at WorldCon in Dublin, and thanked him for his videos. He gave me a hug. The guy is just as sweet and lovely, and delightfully wild-eyed*, in real life.

*Seriously, the magnificent bastard has beautiful eyes.

#james somerton #hbomberguy #plagarism #youtube #video essay #queer #queer community #lgbtq+ #lgbtqia #gay #film analysis

[raavenb2619]

I’m not sure when exactly this happened, but I think it’s clear that the aro community really is a community, now.

For the longest time I’ve felt like we were still in stasis, not quite there; a proto-community, yes, but not quite a community. But we have more history now to lean back on, more of each other to talk to and laugh with and cry with and learn from. More people that’ll go forward and make a part of modern aro history. More people that believe us, believe in us, will stand with us if we ask them.

I wouldn’t consider myself an aro elder yet, though each year I’m surprised at how long aromanticism has been a part of my life, how long I’ve been free of doubt or insecurity about my aromanticism, how far we’ve come since I was questioning. Then again, when I was questioning, some of the people I looked up to for guidance were probably close to the age I am now, so I might be there sooner than I think.

And, I’m so so hopeful for all aros, young or old, new or not, because we’ve come so far. Day by day, progress is slow (and yes, it’s unfair, it should be so much faster), but looking back it feels fast. We are our own role models, the people we look up to for guidance. We carve our own path through life, making things up as we go. I used to find that terrifying, because I had no idea what the future would bring. But it’s actually amazing, because I can ignore all these silly “rules” and guidelines about what my life should be, and instead ask, “what do I want my life to be?”

Younger me, you have no idea how awesome your future is gonna be. I’m sorry about the pain and hardship you’ll go through first; it won’t be fair and you shouldn’t have to deal with it. But you’ll make it through, and one day you’ll be me. I can’t wait for you to get here.

#aromantic #aro #aspec #queer #lgbtq #original #text #can't believe i was busy on a day when aromantic got super trending #also on the topic of history: history is super important and we should make sure we're good custodians of it! #make backups of your tumblr blogs/wordpress sites/fanfiction/analytical essays/whatever! #save links into the internet archive/wayback machine! #future aros will thank us for every thing we save from link rot #current aros will thank us for keeping our resources alive and accessible

[emma-needs-attention]

I don’t shave every day. It’s not that I don’t “need” to; I have very dark, dense facial hair that grows quickly and remains pretty visible after shaving. When I do shave, I don’t try to cover it with makeup (beyond some powder to reduce redness). In most other ways I present very feminine, but I always have fairly obvious facial hair.

And it makes me feel terrible.

I started electrolysis a couple months ago. It’s excruciatingly painful, expensive, and it takes forever. In an hour-long session, my electrologist is able to remove hair in only a small region (about 1 square inch). A few weeks later, much of that hair comes back. I am told that it will take two to three years of regular treatments to remove it entirely. On top of that, I apparently have a condition called Post Inflammatory Hyperpigmentation, which causes the skin in affected areas to darken after treatment. For nearly two months after completing a single pass over my upper lip, my mustache was more visible than it had ever been, despite having significantly less hair.

And it made me feel terrible.

I know this is the best way for me to permanently remove my facial hair, but I just canceled all of my upcoming sessions and at the moment I have no plans to begin again.

If I could pay to have my facial hair instantly and completely removed I would empty my savings account. I am intensely aware of it any time I go out in public. If it makes me so uncomfortable, why do I not do more to hide it?

I feel incredibly privileged for a trans woman. I have a loving, supportive family. I have a well-paying job. I live in a very accepting area. I have never had a single person say anything negative to me about my gender identity, which was certainly not what I was expecting when I came out. It is important to me that I be visibly queer, and in my privileged position I am able to do that without fear. A year ago I didn’t think I would ever transition; now I want people to know that I’m trans.

I am disappointed with myself for wanting to remove my facial hair, for changing my voice. I am determined not to have to do more work than a cis person does. Cis women don’t have to shave their face every day. Cis men don’t have to shave their face every day. Why should I? This is who I am, what my body does. Shouldn’t I be proud of that? Am I not supposed to love myself the way I am?

But by that logic, why am I even transitioning in the first place?

I am doing more work than a cis person does. Cis people don’t transition, and transitioning takes effort. I know that there are cis people, both men and women, who do shave every day. Am I lying to myself? I’m a trans woman; aren’t I supposed to want to get rid of my facial hair? Shouldn’t I be trying harder? Doesn’t this give me dysphoria? Am I pretending not to have dysphoria so I don’t have to put in the effort? Does the fact that I’m not trying harder make me… I don’t know, less trans? Non-binary? Is it ok for me to call myself a trans woman? Am I lying to myself?

As a woman who was a man until thirty, there are things about my body that I must accept, that I won’t be able to change no matter how much money I dump into my transition. I’m tall, I have broad shoulders, I have large hands. No amount of surgery or hormones will change these things.

But there are many things that I can change, and while none of them are requirements for being a woman, they may still be changes that I want to make. Where do I stop? Am I finished transitioning when I’ve done everything that is physically possible? My goal isn’t to “pass,” at least not in the way that word is generally used. In a time when cis women are being assaulted because people think they’re trans—because they don’t “pass” as women—the idea of what it means to pass becomes blurry. Often when we say that we want to pass, what we really mean is that we want to be conventionally beautiful.

I am a woman. Therefore, I look like a woman. My transition goal is to pass as myself. I’ve spent the last year trying to figure out who I am so I can look like her. I don’t care whether people see me and think “that’s a woman.” I want to be able to look in the mirror and think “that’s me.” But it can be extremely difficult to separate your own image of yourself from society’s idea of what you should look like. Am I self-conscious about the size of my body because it doesn’t feel like me, or because I’ve been told that women should be smaller? There are tall cis women, there are broad-shouldered cis women, there are cis women with large hands. Those traits don’t make them less womanly.

For the aspects of my body that I do have control over, I am stuck wondering whether I am changing things to become myself, or changing them because I have internalized that the way I am is wrong. At the moment, facial feminization surgery is something that I think I might like to do. But how do I know that I want to do it for the right reasons? I don’t hate my face, but when I catch a glimpse of myself from certain angles I can’t help but think that it isn’t feminine enough. What I should be asking is if it’s Emma enough, but how can I know that? How do I know who I’m supposed to be?

I feel like I was supposed to be a cis woman, but… why? Who am I to say that I wasn’t supposed to be trans? That I wasn’t supposed to transition at thirty, to have both a male puberty and a female one? Being trans has made me more self-aware, more open-minded, more empathetic. The totality of my experience is what makes me who I am. Maybe there’s a world in which I was assigned female, maybe there’s a world in which I was put on puberty blockers as a kid. But the girl in those worlds isn’t me.

Loving yourself and wanting to change are two feelings that can coexist. I tend to think of body positivity as simply accepting yourself as you are, but it is more nuanced than that. As a trans person, who I am inside is not the same as who I am outside. Which one am I supposed to love? I do love myself, but I also love who I could be. I’m transitioning so that someday they’ll be the same person.

Over the past year I have become both my biggest supporter and my biggest critic. I constantly tell myself how pretty I am, how brave I am, how fucking cool I am (hey, nobody else is saying it and it’s true). This forced positivity has been fantastic for me. I can confidently say that I truly love myself for the first time in my life. But I sometimes feel guilty that I don’t love myself more.

I can’t help but stare at myself in the mirror all the time now. I actually bought a new mirror so I didn’t have to walk as far to do so. I’ve taken more selfies than I did in my entire pre-transition life. After many months on HRT, I finally see myself in my reflection. But my eyes refuse to focus on my stubble. Sometimes I catch myself thinking “I’m going be so beautiful once I get rid of this facial hair,” and it feels like a betrayal. Fuck you Emma, I’m already gorgeous.

#trans #transfem #transgender #lgbtq #comics #essay #art #cw dysphoria

[druidmilk]

In light of hbomberguys new video here’s some video essayists with way too little followers that you should go support:

CopsHateMoe

Alexander Avila

Jessie Gender

Aranock

Mia Mulder

The leftist cooks

Elle literacy

Lilly Simpson

Thinkpiece Tribe

Overthinking it

Verilybitchie

Philosynoir

Geekouter

Orowen

Rowan Ellis

Dr Fatima

Lu Vagara

Ponderful

Artie Carden

Tirrrb

Brigitte Empire

JohntheDuncan

Caelan Conrad

Kaz Rowe

Hoots

AnRel

I know a lot of these are mentioned at the end of the video but their some of my faves so :)

There are probably so many more that I forgot, please let me know any recommendations people have

#hbomberguy #video essay #james somerton #you tube #lgbt #queer #transgender #lgbtq #video recommendation

[ablazenqueen]

Noo: Thai pronoun/title, often used towards children, literally meaning 'mouse'. It has a cute and affectionate connotation.

#and then I proceeded to suffocate myself with my pillow #I need to finish writing my uni essay but when I’m done prepare for more of these two #gently tweaked the subs to make sense please forgive me #alanjeff #jeffalan #pit babe #pit babe the series #thai drama #thai bl #asian lgbtq dramas #asian drama #asian bl #bl drama #*my stuff

[r0manticallyurs]

toddintheshadows dropping an almost two hour long video about james somerton about 24 hours after hbomberguy is BRUTAL and perfectly coordinated.

james was apparently making 170k off of patreon every year and he deserves every bit of the backlash from this

not only did james steal the works of countless queer authors (erasing our history while claiming to save it) who were never getting paid, he’s also said some absolutely disgusting things. i know in hbomberguy’s video he mentioned the shit james has said about women but james has also said that all the interesting queers died of AIDS (paraphrasing but im so serious that’s basically what he says with extremely similar wording)

there are so many amazing queer writers and creators who deserve the time and attention that somerton got. seriously check out creators like verilybitchie, caelen conrad, and khadija mbowe. (also recommend ro ramdin who doesn’t do a lot of videos about queerness but is queer) there’s also a thread on hbomberguy’s subreddit where people are giving recs in the comments

#hbomberguy #james somerton #text post #queer #lgbt #lgbtq #video essay

[turtleblogatlast]

Thinking about the Don Suave scene and what it means in terms of LGBTQ+ representation because my brain does nothing if not torment me with random topics to ramble about on the regular.

Anyway, I just wanted to ramble about why I like the scene but to get it out of the way - the scene can very easily be interpreted in so many different ways, and all of them are valid. I personally see it as Leo having at least some attraction to a man. And the following is an explanation of my own interpretation and thoughts on it and what it means especially for Leo’s portrayal in the grand scheme of things.

Long-winded interpretation under the cut!

Now, to start with, it’s important to me that in the scene Leo looks at Don Suave in the very beginning and then for the entirety of the rest of the time the man is on screen, Leo’s eyes are closed. Yet, in the end, he is still visibly enamored with Don Suave, happily cuddling up to him as he’s being carried away.

You can very easily interpret this as Leo being spellbound and that’s honestly super valid and I believe he likely was at least somewhat in the beginning, but considering how fast he looked away and how he never looked again, I personally think it makes more sense to read it as Leo just finding the man attractive, at least somewhat. (For the record, I personally headcanon Rise Leo as bisexual with a heavy preference for men, but I want to be blunt when I say that any interpretation is valid. Literally any. Ace, pan, gay, bi, none of the above or a mixture of something new literally all of it is more than okay and fair. Hell you could even interpret this entire scene as more romantic attraction than physical and it would still work. Anything goes!! Don’t bother people, guys, really.)

The main reason I take this scene to be at the very least LGBTQ+ adjacent isn’t just because of how it’s portrayed, but because of who Leonardo is. Not in terms of Rise of the TMNT, but in terms of the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles™️ franchise.

Leo’s a character who, while changing with each iteration, has still at his core been around for decades upon decades as “the blue one”. One fourth of the team. He’s the one most are going to look at as the Leader, and oftentimes he is the one closest to having the title of Main Character. Not to say the others aren’t just as important, but Leo’s presence in the A plots of basically all TMNT media is often something very main character-esque.

And that’s very, very important to note. Here we have a Main Character of a prolific and decades long-running franchise distributed by a children’s television network. You can play around with his and his brothers’ characters all you like, but there is always going to be challenges to dodge around, especially since this was still in 2018-2019.

For example, you can play around with their designs so long as they’re color coded turtles, but their sexualities? Now that’s tricky.

“But what about Hypno and Warren?” Not main characters and also they’re Rise originals. They have a lot more room to play around with than a character like Leo does. But even talking about main characters in the franchise, you could arguably have an easier time playing around with Donnie or Mikey’s sexualities than Leo or even Raph, as (unfortunately) the former two tend to get more B plots, so they’d likely have had a little more leeway (still not a lot though.)

So, where does this leave us?

It leaves us in a place where outright stating and/or showing undeniable proof of Leo’s attraction to men is very, very difficult. So, workarounds!

Workarounds like the entire Don Suave situation.

To be honest, as left up to interpretation and lowkey and deniable as it is, this whole scene means a lot to me because of who Leo is as a character. It’s just nice when we get so see even the bare bones of representation with characters that have been such a large part of pop culture for decades, y’know? Even if more would be so much nicer, this is better than I thought we’d ever get for these boys.

And, again, literally nothing I’ve said is the only way to interpret it, I’m more than happy when people interpret media on their own honestly, it’s just something I’ve been thinking of lately and I was wondering if others felt the same way.

Whatever you think when you interpret this scene or Rise Leo as a whole, I just thought this would be interesting to think about, even if it was ramble-y, haha.

#rottmnt #rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles #rottmnt headcanons #rottmnt leo #rise leo #rise don suave #rottmnt don suave #I lied I’m back to ramble because I’m just #so bad at keeping my mouth shut #or uh #not typing word vomit #anyway- yeah this is my personal interpretation #I believe Leo was legitimately mesmerized by Don Suave’s powers…in the beginning #but even the series’ creator says it was ‘at least PART of what was going on with Leo’ so #idk it’s something that’s been on my mind and I was wondering if anyone else felt the same?? #may delete this later who knowssss #pleaaaase feel free to disagree I just like to talk lol #but yeah sometimes I look around at how much media has LGBTQ+ rep in it now and it honestly makes me emotional?? #(we always always ALWAYS could use more but) #we did not have even a crumb of this as kids #but also like most of that rep is new properties #and I just was thinking about what that could mean #idk man idk #once again please don’t take this as facts it is VERY MUCH NOT #man I was looking around for good images to use and found jack all #anyway tho did you know Donnie often has bi colors around him and Leo is often dressed in the colors of the trans flag- #okay anyway back to the caves I go this comic won’t draw itself #I gotta spray myself with water any time I go to type long winded essays because they’re not great for the mental health fr

[midnights-dragon]

this might be controversial but modern media has ruined the perception of all queer people because all gay couples are compared to either nick and charlie from heartstopper or mitch and cam from modern family which are both stereotypical white mlm stories that do not in any way represent every queer relationship. in this essay i will

#anyway enough being profound out of me today #modern family #heartstopper #lgbtq #queer #queerphobia #modern media #lgbt representation #lgbtq representation #gay representation #hollywood #gay #lgbt #in this essay i will

[transqueer4singlemoms]

I finally did watch the famous "hbomberguy verbally stabs James Somerton to death" video and man it was a fucking watch. It was such a well crafted video not only going into the crimes and evils of James but also the segments leading up to the James are great. The emotion (rage) I got learning about how James stole from smaller queer creators and generally erased other queers contributions to media analysis, queer history and culture analysis, and so many other gay related things. It also perfectly showed how much of a piece of shit he is. Also Todd in the Shadows video on one of James Somerton's videos where James himself makes terrible claims and has shit opinions. Go watch both if you will

#queer #lgbtq #trans pride #james somerton #hbomberguy #hbomberguy is a sexy bear #i mean what #video essay #media analysis

[considermycat]

‘I would posit that masculinity is solely enforced on men and introduced to them through implicit or explicit violence. I cannot think of a time where my masculine tendencies and behaviors were not influenced by the fear of violence that may come if I fail to perform.

‘One of my earliest memories as a child is crying because my older sister painted my nails, and I was afraid that my parents would be angry at me for doing something that was for “girls”.

‘The performance of masculinity was at best based on entirely arbitrary, almost ridiculous metrics such as what side your shirt buttons up on, which way you wear your belt, how you check your nails, to more violent and restrictive regulations. Who you can love, how you can dress, the way you speak, how physically strong or imposing you are.

‘Gender is a performance, and the audience pointing a gun at the stage is the only reason we're all still dancing. The constricting nature of masculinity, of cisgender heterosexuality, drives all of us insane. Drives all of us to self denial that presents itself in other ways or bursts through cracks like blood through gauze.’

— Anansi’s Library, James Baldwin and the Annihilation of Gender, from 25:13

#gender #queer #james baldwin #moonlight #giovanni’s room #video essay #lgbtq #Youtube

[samasmith23]

Iceman Almost Came Out as Gay Back in the 1990s

So prior to Brian Michael Bendis revealing Iceman (aka, Bobby Drake) was gay in the pages of his All-New X-Men run from 2015, apparently writer Scott Lobdell had planned to have Bobby come out of the closet two decades earlier but was unable to go through with his plans. Lobdell did however, lay the ground work for Bobby coming out during his time on the X-books in the mid-to-late 1990s.

Specifically, during an encounter with Emma Frost back when she was still a villain, the former White Queen of the Hellfire Club briefly took control of Bobby’s mind and actually used his mutant powers in more creative ways than he ever had done before. Emma accurately pointed out that Bobby was intentionally holding back the true potential of his powers, and was using humor as a shield to mask his own insecurities due to his conservative upbringing by mutantphobic parents.

Writer Sina Grace actually followed up on this old plot point from the 90s during his Iceman solo-series which immediately followed Bobby being outed by the time-displaced Jean Grey in All-New X-Men. In addition to depicting Bobby becoming more comfortable with his sexuality and gradually out to his fellow teammates, ex-girlfriends like Kitty Pryde, and especially his bigoted parents...

...Grace finally allowed Bobby to fully embrace his potential as an Omega-Level mutant. Not only did Iceman singlehandedly defeat the unstoppable Juggernaut in combat after after overcoming his greatest fear by coming out to his parents, but he began using his powers in more creative ways than before such as constructing ice-shuriken and multiple ice-clones and kaju.

Furthermore, Grace also revealed in his run that yes, during that time Emma Frost had mind-controlled Bobby back in the 90s, she actually did learn that Bobby was gay. But unlike the time-displaced Jean Grey, Emma never outed Bobby’s closeted sexuality to him or anyone else, and instead respected his privacy due to her own tragic experiences with her older brother Christian Frost being forced into "gay conversion therapy" (aka, torture...) by their abusive father.

Essentially, all of the people who try to argue that Iceman coming out makes zero sense or that it somehow "ignores/erases several decades of past continuity" (I'm looking at you homophobic Comicsgaters!) completely miss the fact that both Bendis & Grace were simply building upon the foundation that was already put in place by Lobdell back in the 90s! That’s NOT “ignoring or erasing several decades of continuity,” but the exact opposite!

And if you still need further proof that Bobby was always gay, just a reminder that during his very first appearance in X-Men (1963) #1 by Stan Lee & Jack Kirby, Iceman was the only person who was not acting like a horny jack-rabbit at the mere sight of the then-new student Jean Grey.

In other words... Iceman was always gay even as far back as his inaugural issue! Suck it Comicsgaters!

#iceman #bobby drake #iceman is gay #lgbtq+ #gay rights are human rights #queer rep in media #scott lobdell #brian michael bendis #sina grace #emma frost #jean grey #x men comics #marvel comics #90s comics #silver age comics #stan lee #jack kirby #kitty pryde #mini essay #comicsgate is a hate group #suck it homophobes! #christian frost

[manicpixiedckgirl]

there's nothing more romantic than t4t karaoke. my voice is my ultimate vulnerability, and yet despite that insecurity, in front of our whole community, I'm going to serenade you, vocal cracks and breaks and fucked up lyrics and everything. im going sing something gendery and brave and gay because I'm already risking everything singing at all. god I love singing. we should all sing more. sing to your friends, your lovers, your family, your neighbors, your world, sing for your future, sing for love, and for peace, and for a better tomorrow but most of all, please, and especially if you're trans, sing, because you should not be afraid to be heard. your voice is beautiful and I love you. I want to hear you sing

#essay #singing #music #karaoke #trans #love #transgender #lgbtq+ #opinion

[longreads]

I watched the video you recorded six months before you died yesterday, the one where you’re drinking Veuve with your friend Michelle and explaining what you want done with your ashes if anything ever happens to you. You throw your head back to cackle between your outlandish requests and I stare at your pale throat. Some ashes stored in a Ming vase, some made into diamonds, some shot out of a cannon with glitter. Mom and I looked into the cannon, but all we could find was some silly handheld thing called the “Loved One Launcher” that appeared to be used primarily at memorial services held next to creeks and swamps, judging from their marketing material. It definitely wasn’t the right fit.

We didn’t know how to “memorialize” someone who felt as essential as a limb. In our indecision, we landed on taking a trip someplace beautiful every year on the anniversary of your death. We’ve been to Cabo San Lucas, Aspen, Copenhagen, Sooke. We split a bottle of rosé and hold hands and your absence is outlined in chalk on the picnic blanket we sit on. Once, we hiked 13 miles to a beautiful alpine lake to scatter some of your ashes and I carried them on my back. I had only your remains and a bottle of wine in my pack but the straps dug into my shoulders until they were pink as salmon. We sang “He Ain’t Heavy, He’s My Brother” by the Hollies and laughed and cried at the same time. When we dumped your ashes in the water they shimmered in the sun like the glitter you wore on your eyelids and cheeks during your teen raver years. I wanted so badly to look up at the sky that was the same blue as your eyes and feel unadulterated solace, but instead I felt nothing at all.

This year on May 30, I think Mom is going to take me to the post office.

Our latest essay by Maria Zorn is a transcendent experience. If you read anything today, let it be “All True At Once.”

#longreads #longform #personal essay #essay #nonfiction #grief #loss #nonbinary #lgbtq #pacman

[nyxsealia]

When I was 17 and trying to figure out what the heck my sexuality was, the main, if not only, piece of advice I found online, even when I directly asked people, was to go out and experiment sexually with various people and see what gender I enjoyed sex with most. And years later, that still seems to be the advice most of us give when someone is trying to figure out their sexuality. And there's nothing wrong with doing that, and if that's what helped you, great. But I do think there's issues with this being the most prevalent advice.

There are a lot of reasons someone may not want to do this, various personal or religious reasons, comfort levels, a lack of interest in sex, not experiencing much or any sexual attraction, or simply being too young for this to be applicable.

I found the advice unhelpful for many of the reasons I just mentioned, and it left me feeling lost on how I was supposed to find out what my orientation was. It also left me with thoughts like how can I be a part of queer culture if I don't want to experiment sexually or be sexually active? Even looking at articles with advice on dating as a queer woman I saw bullet points like "It's okay to have sex on the first date!" there was so much emphasis on how it's okay to have very active sex lives that it left me feeling like if I didn't want that, I'd never be able to have relationships because there'd be an expectation of sex right off the bat. Don't get me wrong, sex positivity is important and we shouldn't shame people for their sex lives. But I feel like we don't don't talk about not being into that kind of thing enough.

I also didn't know at the time that I was asexual, and while I'm sex neutral and open to the idea of sex with a trusted partner, I don't have any desire to seek out sexual relationships. Not experiencing sexual attraction made figuring out my attraction a thousand times harder. I still don't know if I'm bi/pan or lesbian. I do refer to myself as gay or lesbian in some instances, but sometimes I say queer or just shrug and say "I like girls" or "I'm not straight" and some days I'm okay with the vagueness of that, but other days I feel the stress and pressure of having to pick an identity in order to have a community to belong to and be accepted. That stress and pressure doesn't get better when all the advice I can find on the subject just tells me to have sex and that'll clear everything up.

We put a lot of focus on finding out exactly "what" you are. And I don't think sex is the best way to do that. Lots of people have varying interest in sexual or physical intimacy, not just queers. My cishet friend told me she got a boyfriend but she wasn't entirely sure if what she was feeling was romantic, and that the idea of kissing made her uncomfortable. She doesn't identify as ace or aro, and she shouldn't have to. People can have a lack of interest in these things without a lack of attraction.

Another issue with this advice is that sexual and romantic attraction doesn't always line up for everyone. You may enjoy sex with all genders, but find you only have a desire to date one. So sexual experimenting wouldn't necessarily answer the question for you. Orientation is really complicated. I did mostly consider myself lesbian, but I occasionally find men aesthetically attractive, and I'm honestly starting to wonder if I'm actually bi but still feel uncomfortable using the term.

All this needlessly long and ramble-y text to say, this advice is simply useless to a lot of people. And while I can't speak personally for this part, I'd bet at least some people who enjoy sexual experimentation still weren't sure of their orientation at the end of it. This advice shouldn't be presented as the one size fits all solution.

If you're uncomfortable or uninterested in figuring out your identity this way, there's nothing wrong with that. There's also nothing wrong with not knowing. You don't have to know right now, or ever if you'd prefer that. It's okay to use vague terms. It's also okay to use whatever label feels closest even if it's not perfect. And remember, you're not locked into anything. You can always change labels.

There is no right way to determine your orientation. Everyone discovers themself in different ways and at different ages. It's not a race or a checklist. The most important thing is to be kind and patient with yourself and whatever you do to figure yourself out, be safe.

#I'm so sorry this is so long #I just watched roughly five hours of video essays blame that #queer #lgbt #lesbian #lgbtq #wlw #asexual #nonbinary #agender #gay #bisexual #pansexual #queer community #lgbtq community #queer positivity #lgbt positivity #transgender #genderfluid #queer dating advice #lgbt dating #aromantic #aroace