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mysticmunson · 10 months

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more than just a short time; s.h. x reader

summary: an unexpected gift for your fiancé, steve, seemingly slips right through your fingertips. with the help of your friends, you try to cope with what was just a short time.

warnings: this blurb is about miscarriage, mentions of blood and nausea, but the description is not thorough. my blog is 18+

author's note: hi loves. this is a very delicate topic to handle, however i wanted to create something that could provide comfort for the millions of afab people who have gone through similar. please feel free to message any thoughts, feedback, or anecdotes in my inbox. xoxo, elora

4:30 pm.

The days were numbered as you awaited Steve’s birthday party, spending hours planning the secret celebration, calling in the younger friends home from college for the weekend.

The gift was the real surprise, something only Robin knew as she helped you think of ideas on how to let Steve know his dream would be coming true; He was going to be a dad.

A baby would send most 25-year-old men into trepidation, but it was the complete opposite for your fiancé. In his later teen years, he realized how much he enjoyed being around kids and it only solidified when he met you.

Everything was falling into place as you solidified everyone’s attendance, anxiously anticipating the excitement of your found family.

4:35 pm.

Steve had a late shift the day before the party, giving you time for last-minute preparations, giddy as the decorations were secretly put on the table or stowed away in the hallway closet.

Drinking more water than ever, you raced to your bathroom, finishing quickly until your heart stopped. With hitched breath, you looked at the blue walls, not into the white bowl that now contained something red.

Beneath your sink in a grocery bag was a set of pregnancy tests, the first two had been used just a week and a half ago, with an extra one done at your doctor's appointment last week. Steve had been out of town, on a retreat for the nurses in training as he had just finished his certifications.

Unwrapping the stick, you utilized it before leaving it on the countertop. With a practically invisible bump, you placed your hand on it, praying that the heartbeat you had just heard would be one you’d hear until your own stopped.

With an eye on the clock, you waited for two minutes, ones that felt far longer than 120 seconds. The smaller arm on the clock ticked in succession, taunting you as you looked ahead at the wall, not daring to see your own reflection.

4:37 pm.

Shaking hands grasped the white test as you turned it to see one pink line without a hint of a second. Instinctively, you went to your phone, dialed the black numbers, and asked Robin to come over to help set up.

Already expecting the phone call, she headed over, but was greeted by a troubling aura, a somber feeling that contradicted your smile. She asked if everything was okay, you assured her you were.

The preparation included cutting up fruit, taking out the trash, calling the boys to make sure they remembered to come, and hanging up banners. With his late shift and your house layout, Steve would go straight to bed and not enter the living room or backyard.

It wasn’t until 9:13 pm.

You had taken Robin to the mall, guiding her to the jewelers that made a fancy silver watch. One that Steve had had his eye on for months, refusing to get it as preparations for your wedding impended. Once he jokingly said one day he’d adopt his baby, pointing to the shiny metal.

With confusion, Robin held the bag as you drove home, quieter than you were on the way there. The road was illuminated by the imminent nightfall, a display of yellow, blue, and orange painting the sky.

“I don’t think you needed to spend all this money,” Robin chuckled, “you’re giving Steve a baby. He has plenty.”

With just a shrug, you pulled into your driveway, hustling inside and taking the luxurious bag. Gently, you placed it amongst the mismatched printed bags from coworkers or friends who couldn’t attend.

Sitting before the TV, you and Robin shared a leftover pizza that had a slight freezer burn when you felt a jab on your thigh. The negative test was forced inside, yanking it out before holding it in front of your friend.

“I threw the box in the trash bag that you took out.” You admitted, staring at the flashing screen without processing any of its content.

“Oh, babe, I’m so sorry.”

The pending tears finally streamed down your face, a choked sob coming out as Robin pulled you to her chest as you curled forward.

It was as if it wasn’t real until her apology, that maybe if you just held out, the heartbeat would reappear in time. But as Robin held you and apologized, it was real.

She ended up staying the night, holding you on the couch until about half an hour before Steve was due home. Helping you into fresh clothes, Robin got you into bed before heading to the guest room at the end of the hall. The room was practically hers as she kept spare clothes, toothbrushes, and other necessities there.

The beep from Steve’s car was muffled as your lip quivered, turning onto your front and facing your head away from the left side of the bed. The bedroom door creaked open, listening to his feet pad against the wooden floors, slipping into the attached bathroom.

His shower bought you a few more minutes of opened eyes, but these flew faster than the ones at 4:37 pm. His gentle humming would’ve been missed if you had actually been asleep as it stopped as soon as the door opened.

The boxspring winced as Steve climbed under the covers, his body close to yours, his nose running against the shell of your ear before kissing the skin beneath it. Swallowing the influx of emotions, you held the hand that he placed over your abdomen.

A stream of light made your eyes flutter open, noticing the clock and how little time you had. Maneuvering away from Steve’s grasp, you kissed his head as he squeaked in his sleep, settling on his side.

Your preselected outfit was hung on the left side of the bedroom closet, a pretty sundress that was white with pink and orange flowers. In record time, you applied makeup in your bathroom before making your way down the stairs.

Robin had woken minutes later, already dressed in pants, suspenders, and a button-up. She gave a gentle smile, grabbing an apple from the bowl of fruit in your dining room as she observed your silent decorating.

“How are you feeling?” She tentatively spoke, wiping the juice from her chin, tossing the core into the trash bin a few feet away.

All of Steve’s life, his parents put him on the back burner. His dad took work trips on his birthday almost every year and his mother routinely forgot. It got to a point where he just threw a party as an excuse to drink, not really knowing most of the people in attendance.

This became one of your biggest goals, making Steve feel special. Whether it was a small achievement or a big one, you wanted to take any chance to lift him up as the overly confident persona was one built on unsolid ground.

“I’m fine,” You sighed, sticking the clear tape holding the birthday sign above the hearth, “but today’s about Steve. His birthday was a few days ago, but he had to work, so to me, this is his day.”

Robin nodded, aware of Steve’s turbulent upbringing, but also not able to forget hearing your cries the night before. She would hold you for as long as you needed, but it didn’t make it easier knowing it was not only hurting you, but that Steve didn’t know.

“You’re such a good partner,” Robin said in sincerity, “I just want you to let me know if you need help today, okay?”

Agreeing, you turned to her, walking over to hug her close to your chest. Robin wasn’t the biggest on physical affection, but she didn’t let go until you did, rubbing your back.

Thankfully, Steve could sleep through a lot, only trotting downstairs with half an hour to spare. He could do a spontaneous party, but you didn’t feel a need to cage him in the bedroom till everyone arrived.

Strategically, you left a note informing him of going out to lunch, just to make sure he was presentable. He came down in a polo and jeans, socks on without the shoes that were at the front door.

He lit up when he noticed Dustin first, who had been away at school for months, capturing him in a tight hug.

“Hey! How’s it going, bud?” Steve excitedly asked, squeezing him before releasing.

As he looked at the living room, he spotted the rest of the kids, Eddie, Nancy, Robin, Jonathan, and Argyle. His look of shock made the room erupt with laughter as you took photos from the side. With most of his friends moving away, it was always nice to be reunited, but even better when he was the reason.

Lucas excitedly updated him on his college’s basketball team, mentioning he’d definitely give him tickets to come to see a game when they play nearby. Max was working as an artist, designing skateboards after meeting the son of an executive at one of the biggest board companies.

Despite there being a time when Steve was head over heels for Nancy, he had moved on, then she and Jonathan broke up. After a year or so of being single, she ran into Eddie at a bar who had grown to be a bit more muscular with a few more tattoos, hair a tad shorter, pulled into a low bun as he played guitar.

Their circles never overlapped in school, but that night, they clicked more than either expected. A weekly night out for drinks turned into dates in the early evening, going slow as they both needed to heal from past scorches. One night while watching a low-budget thriller, Nancy looked over at him, “We’re dating, I hope you know that.”

Fast forward four years, she was now heavily pregnant with a simple ring, but they weren’t engaged. They both had an indifference to the law-abiding aspects, but Eddie bought it one night after men kept flirting with her. Her pregnancy glow suited her well, looking incredible in overalls and a flowy blouse.

Steve laughed as he hugged Nancy, opting for a side hug as it would be feasibly impossible for a frontal one. The boys weren’t always friends, but now Steve could call Eddie a close friend, which is why they embraced tightly.

The afternoon went by smoothly, all of them ecstatic to update one another on their endeavors as adults. Despite El having the most obscure upbringing, her stories were thrilled by the mundane. The first time Max took her to get frozen yogurt and she put in an abnormal amount of toppings.

Will had been excited to see you and Robin, eagerly telling you both about his new art school in New York. The look of joy in his eyes was one that you hadn’t seen since you met him, a look you now wanted to never see again, hoping his eyes will always hold promise.

Your fiancé’s laughter rang through the room like bells, boisterous as they began eating the snacks placed out for them. Due to so much time apart, you kept ‘activities’ to a minimum, just food and cake, setting out a card game or two for good measure.

The afternoon was flying by as they played cassettes off the large silver boom box Eddie brought, arguing over which bands were better than the other. It almost seems like the events of yesterday had dissolved from your consciousness, talking with Nancy about her career.

Deep into the topic of journalism, you glanced at the clock above the oven, lit up red. Her voice muffled along with the other sounds when you noticed.

4:37 pm.

Bile rose in your throat as hands punched at your gut, mumbling that you’d be right back before scurrying to the bedroom.

Fortunately, only Robin spotted you as she had been keeping an extra eye on you anyways. She had been getting a drink away from the group before following you, her skin falling slightly pale.

Expecting you to be on the bed, she shut the door as she saw you sitting on the floor with your back against your dresser. Your sobs were lodging in your throat as you tried to suppress them, coughing away some of the clawing emotions under the loud music.

“Hey, hey,” Robin rushed over, kneeling, “sit on the bed, the floor isn’t comfortable.”

Her sentence was abrupt as she initially was going to assure it would be okay, but she knew that wasn’t what you wanted to hear. No amount of vocal reassurance would undo what happened 24 hours ago.

Grabbing your hand, she pulled you onto your shaking feet, walking you to the edge of your large bed. Steve hadn’t made it when he woke up, though he was usually good about it. The fluffy blanket tickled beneath your nails, but brought little satisfaction.

A soft knock on the door startled you both, looking over in fear until Nancy walked through. Waddling over, she sat on the opposite side of you, rubbing your back.

“Do you want to talk about it?” She asked, love seeping through her voice. You hadn’t cried many times in front of either of them, usually only during sad movies, but this sudden outburst had layers she wasn’t aware of.

“The clock was the same time yesterday I realized I lost…” You choked out, scratching your neck, “I was going to tell Steve I was pregnant today. I’m sorry I ran away-”

Hushing you, she continued the stroking of your back, “You have no reason to apologize, I’m sorry.”

While the apologies were meant well, they only made everything feel more real. The acknowledgment that someone knew.

Nodding, you waited for your voice to return to its cords, Robin grabbing some toilet paper when you began sniffling. Dabbing the extra sheets under your eyes, you were grateful for waterproof mascara on days like these.

“I don’t know if I should tell him. I don’t want to ruin his week,” You sighed, staring down at the dirty laundry hamper, “he wants this so bad, what’s the point in telling him.”

Thinking through her response, Nancy recalled the Steve she had known for over a decade, the one from grade school who had a kind smile and an infectious laugh.

“Steve is someone who loves things with every part of himself. He loves you so much, I don’t think he’d be able to forgive himself if you tried to battle this on your own.” She whispered, pulling you in to rest on her shoulder, “It’s hard, but you can give him some of that pain because one day it’ll still be there, but it won’t be as heavy.”

The weight of the scenario settled on your lap, relinquishing its claws pressure, but not moving. Her words provided comfort, but the loneliness still drooped down your shoulders.

“Nance, can I ask, have you ever…” You trailed off, afraid the question would be inappropriate. However, the brown-haired girl knew you were searching for your lifebuoy, a point of conviction that she wasn’t stranded.

Robin had slipped her hand in yours, rubbing small circles against your knuckle. The anxious tap of your foot began as you worried the question may be taken poorly.

“I haven’t, but my mom did in between Mike and Holly.” She confided, only having mentioned this to Barb and Eddie, “So many people go through it, it doesn’t make it easier, but it’s good to know you have people who understand.”

Your heart sank for Mrs. Wheeler, but a strange form of consolation wrapped around you that a woman you knew for years had experienced something similar. It made you wonder how many had endured it, but never spoke about it.

Thanking them for their comfort, the three of you returned to a hectic house, Eddie crushing a beer can between his palm and his forehead. His girlfriend rolled her eyes, rubbing her belly subconsciously, “Whatever, he needs this out of his system before next month.”

Laughing, you nodded, feeling warm that the man in front of you had grown so much in these years. Even glancing down at the ones you remember being small now surpassed you in height.

Seeing Steve’s smile was enough to push you through the rest of the party, even more so when he ecstatically opened your gift.

“Babe.” Stunned, Steve lifted the box from the dazzling tissue paper, “You didn’t, no way!”

Giggling, you watched as the boys and Max excitedly looked at him put on the lavish accessory. He looked over at you, his eyes making your heart skip a beat, falling deeper in love with him each time.

Rushing over, he restricted you in a hug, giving you a messy kiss on the cheek. He mumbled against the shell of your ear, “I love you so much, thank you.”

Your hands covered little of the expanse of his back, but you did your best to encapsulate him. He found your squirm humorous after he sneaked an ass grab, mumbling his full name, glancing to see everyone distracted.

The rest of the night flew by, singing to him before cake, and saying goodbye to everyone after cleaning up. It was late by the time the front door shut a final time, Steve suggesting a joint shower to ‘save water’, which you declined by saying you would after him.

His pout almost won you over, but you insisted on packaging up the leftovers into the fridge until he got into bed. Though the clock now showed it was the next day, you didn’t have the heart to do it as he rested his eyes, saying he’d stay awake until you finished.

The promise was not kept as he softly snored, shifting slightly when you slipped in beside him. Typically the small spoon, you weren’t used to coddling him, but you tucked his head to your chest and stroked his hair.

Both of you needed the sleep as you woke up around 12 pm, tangled between one another's limbs, content in the controllable mess you created. The thought of telling him crept into your brain, but you secured the weight on your chest, unable to bare beginning his day like this.

Always the health nut, he went for a jog despite the warm afternoon, putting on small shorts, and a gym shirt. Whistling at him while getting dressed in casual clothes, you smacked his bottom on your way out, making him gasp.

The expected kiss on the forehead occurred right before he walked out the door, leaving you with a plate of leftovers and the loud television. The usual strength of your legs was replaced with jello, unable to put the dishes in the sink or stand to shut the window.

Steve returned sweaty nearly an hour later, taunting you with a hug as you cringed, swatting him away until he headed to the shower. You admired men’s short shower period as he was back, clean, within ten minutes. He made a quick sandwich, looking over at the screen you had been watching.

“Shit, I need to put that in the attic.” He recalled, groaning at the cardboard boxes residing in the corner that collected minimal dust.

“Okay, honey, do you want help?” You offered, turning around to face him as he walked over. He smelled like ocean water, his hair dripping onto his shoulders as he wore a dark green shirt. The small amount of water made the material appear almost black.

He scoffed, shooing his hand, “No need, I’ve got this, my lady.” Earning an eye roll, his jokes always holding a certain amount of fondness when directed at you.

The small project became more time-consuming as he situated the other boxes, occasionally yelling about the poor planning on the builder's part. His tangents made you chuckle as most were fairly nonsensical, but when you knew him, they made complete sense.

He had just finished when you glanced over in the direction of the hall, foolishly letting the clock catch your eye once more. It almost seemed like a cruel joke, the three numbers taunting you at every chance.

4:37 pm.

Tears filled your eyes as he entered, making you turn away, but he knew better.

“Honey, what’s wrong? Why are you crying?” He cooed, sitting beside you, trying to alter some of the hair away from your face.

The gentle gesture only made you sob, his heart racing with panic. He handled you to sit in his lap, rocking you from side to side, hushing your cries. The consultation had the opposite effect as you feared the claws of two days drew blood.

“Steve, I’m sorry.” You muttered, his already damp shirt becoming wetter with tears.

His history with relationships wasn't the most pleasant, so the words leaving your lips made his world collapse. He became sick with the idea that you walk away from him and never turn back around.

“Talk to me. What’s wrong?” He urged, hoping he could do something to ease your suffering, even at his expense. You could tell him anything and he’d find it within his heart to be compassionate, an easy feat due to his vast adoration for you.

Swallowing your pride, you looked at the chain around his neck until he tilted your head to face him. Not even knowing what you would say, his eyes watered, feeling too kin to you to experience this unphased.

“You were supposed to get a different gift yesterday, Steve,” Your lip wobbled, “I found out I was pregnant last week. But the day before yesterday at 4:37 pm, I found out I- I’m so sorry, Steve”

The wail that came unfettered from your tightened chest made his stomach drop, holding you to his chest as your words sank within him.

“My girl, it’s okay to cry, it’s okay.” He soothed, not wanting to beg you not to in fear you’d hold it in, “It’s not your fault, baby. I’m so sorry you had to hold it in for so long.”

As the pain resonated, the weight relinquished its hold, now much looser and lighter. The uncharted waters you felt trapped within were not as scary as you thought, knowing the person you loved more than anything was close by with a lifevest.

His hand stroked your hair lovingly, nose nestled on your neck as he began to silently cry. He wished he hadn’t, he rarely does, but this was something he did want.

“Why are you apologizing?” You stuttered, sniffling, “I ruined your birthday! I wanted to wait, but I couldn’t fucking do it, I wasn’t strong enough for you.”

The anger at yourself had popped through, Steve was quick to shut it down as he knew you would try and blame yourself. A few more tears left his eyes at the realization of what had happened, but more came as he realized you held it in for him and that you were scared he’d be mad.

“No,” He pulled you from his embrace to cup your cheeks, swiping at your wet cheeks, “Don’t say that. This is not your fault, it just happens, okay? I had an amazing birthday, but please come to me. I can’t stand the thought you were hurting this whole time- You are so strong, one of the strongest people I know.”

His face reddens, not with anger, but with emotions as he struggles to think of how to help you and himself. You recognize his distress, mimicking his hold by cupping his cheeks as well.

“Please don’t blame yourself,” He pleads, barely speaking above a whisper, “I love you so much.”

“I love you so much.” You reply, tucking hair behind his ear, pressing your salt-ridden lips to his.

There was nothing nefarious about the exchange, the pain you shared was uniting, a feeling piercing your skin and bones. As your lips would part for breath, there was extra time between for a choppy cry, not one of tears, but of deep-rooted expressions.

Even as Steve stood with you in his arms, an action that would typically have you weak in the knees, there was not an ounce of sexual drive. Settling you onto the bed, he crawled in beside you, a mutual collision of limbs similar to the ones you slept in.

“It’ll happen, sweetheart,” He sighs with closed eyes, forehead against yours, “you know random kids flock to me anyways, we’ll keep one.”

His lame humor scored him a soft laugh, his own personal lottery, as he opened to see slight happiness on your face.

Lacing your fingers together, he kissed your knuckle, holding it there longer than typical. The words to fix the situation did not exist, nor was an action applicable now. All there was to do was look in the eyes of the other and trust that one day, it might just happen. But not now at 4:37 pm.

title derived from bigger than the whole sky by taylor swift

thank you to the ever so lovely @andvys and @lilacletter who i adore and read this for me. love u!

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