#she was so confident to be able to handle it. but got traumatized instead

[rainbow-taishi]

Black Swan, upon peeking into her memories: Never mind- I'm outta here! Nope! Nope! Abort mission! Oh crap! Too much information!!!

Acheron: *enjoying dancing*

#cioccolatodorima #my drawings #anime #drawing #manga #game #hsr #honkai star rail #acheron #black swan #parody #jjk #fanart #shitpost #acheron really plucked off her feathers and cooked her #black swan was like lets poke and find out #she was so confident to be able to handle it. but got traumatized instead #anime style #im cackling because someone called it domain expansion infinite trauma on my post on twitter haha

[stevie-petey]

hiiiiiii m! read s2 ep2 and i LOVE IT SO MUCH!!!!!! <3 i actually am so relieved that steve reader friend divorce era is over......idk why but friendship breakups make me sadder than actual romantic breakups, partly because friendships themselves are so selfless and sort of by design the least selfish, or self interested you can be, with the benefit just being "we get to hang out!". i'm fascinated that steve forgave her so quickly as well, maybe because he's in a vulnerable spot right now (???), but i really did enjoy that reader was willing to make amends instead of sort of just digging an emotional hole for herself and exaccerbating the problem. i'm excited to see if she'll be as proactive down the line when things get more serious between them.

the way you handle nancy is interesting. i'm glad you don't shy away from reader being jealous of nancy and the attention of johnathan and steve and being pretty and rich, which omg, can drive full grown adults crazy, so why wouldn't a teen girl feel it, but also see nancy as like a full person? i also really appreciate your/reader's willingness to see both sides of the conflict, at least so far. a lot of people, from what i've seen, seem to view that night as a very traumatic night for steve where he got his heart broken, and that's true! it is! but it's also a night where nancy got blackout drunk from survivor's guilt that everyone around her told her to ignore in favour of just forgetting everything she experienced. that would make anyone upset! she probably does feel like her relationship is bs if it's main priority is not allowing her best friend's parents to find peace and move on! anyways, what i'm saying is that it's nice to have a realistic yet emotionally mature main character, and one who is so because they themselves are emotional and very in tune and self aware of them and others, instead of for just like, the plot vaguely, or because of modern sensibilities, no it's just an established and consistent part of her character, which is hard to do and it's so cool that you do it so well near constantly!

but i really was cheesing a lot like it just felt like a classic early 2000s CW show which is the high i'm constantly chasing. one tree hill season 1 episode i think 13 college party was very much the vibe i was getting. i should have been wearing cheetah print and leather and listening to the strokes as my friends convinced me that local basketball player was really the only guy who ~gets~ me. "i'll be" by edwin mccain plays in the background as we make eyecontact from across the room. you set the vibe, is what i'm trying to say.

billy was weirdo and creep and i'm happy he was acknowledged as such!!! not kidding when he came up to the reader i was also uncomfortable and it just had that very deeply horrible frat guy energy that makes every person subjected to it feel very objectified, and i think it's even more interesting that this is, from what i remember, one of the first time someone's shown outright interest in her, so i can imagine that that makes it even worse. i also sort of like the set up of johnathan defending her and steve holding him back, feels very much a great physical example of their position so far, with both johnathan playing a larger role in her life, as well as maybe signalling that johnathan's role as her protector, friend, confidant, all that is now passing onto steve's "hands", as steve's quite literally holding him. idk if that's too much i just had fun! and steve's final thoughts. my god. what an oblivious young man. the immediate jealousy and awe he feels.....his willingness to forgive....her promise to him as he confesses........both very moving and also amazed he hasn't realised his own feelings yet and excited that it will take him longer to do so. them making the promise together especially was so good, and such a good parallel to the one she and johnathan made in s1, and i'm excited to see if steve and r are able to uphold it better than johnathan was and how it'll serve to highlight the differences in their relationship.

very lengthy so my apologies, have a nice day and looking forward to ur next chapter!

hi angel !!

u touched on something SO BIG and i loooove discussing it: steve forgave reader so easily. and YES it was a bit ??? but later itll make sense. overall weve seen that steve just so genuinely trusts readers intentions with him, he never doubts her honesty and hes been pulled towards her since day 1, so of course he immediately was like “oh yeah we can be bffs again <3”. HOWEVER ,,,, this will play a huuuge role later (next chapter i believe). we’ll get more insight and steves vulnerability that night also def helped

and nancy !!! yes !!! i had to rewatch her scene with steve in the library a million times and i just felt horrible for them both. they want to help each other, and as ive said before about jonathan and reader, steve and nancy take care of people in opposite ways and it makes them clash. nancy wants to be proactive, steve wants to be more on the down low and tend to those he has already. hes accepted and moved on, nancy has moved on but hasnt accepted.

and as for the jonathan n steve scene i originally had jonathan holding steve back, but honestly it didnt feel right. jonathan, as much as he sucks sometimes, will ALWAYS be the first to defend y/n. every time he will. steve will too, but jonathan has that spot rn and hed rather die than let her get hurt </3

as for billy ,,,, so incredibly excited to flesh out his dynamic with reader. it wont be romantic in the slightest, but reader will have some insight into billys homelife due to max, and u bet she’ll use it against billy.

and im SO HAPPY the party scene felt real <333 thank u for the lovely asks i adore dissecting my chapters with yall its my <3333

#procrastinationprincesses #ask #m speaks #wtlws insight #i feel like an english teacher #in the best way possible

[loominggaia]

Inspired by another anons question, what would happen if the rest of the crew got to truly understand Lilian’s past? Since from both the stories and ask it’s known that no one aside from Zeffer knows the true scope of Lillian’s trauma. Let’s say they get a telepathic showing of Lillian’s memories and get to see the serious fucked up shit diarrhea man did to her? What’s their reaction to seeing the horror movie that is her life story?

Well, I'm sure they'd all be deeply upset by what they saw. You're right in that none of them know the true scope of her experience. Zeffer poked his head into her Hell for a bit and got singed, but even he doesn't have the full story.

Between what Zeffer and Lilian herself have shared, the Freelance Good Guys have a general idea of what she's been through. They know she was kidnapped into a vampiric cult at a young age, forced to lure victims to their deaths, forced to marry Dario, and then physically, verbally, and sexually abused by him for many years. They don't have the gruesome details, and I don't think they understand just how intense the cult was about sheltering her from the outside world. Her ignorance still catches them off-guard a lot. They tend to overestimate her abilities, because they underestimate the Dusk's brainwashing. Her experience was one that had to be seen to be believed.

So, if the crew could somehow see it from beginning to end...

Evan would be angry, knowing that monstrous shit like this is happening all over Gaia and he can't possibly save everyone. But instead of feeling hopeless about it, he feels more inspired than ever. Suddenly he's bursting with motivation as he remembers why he's in this line of work in the first place. He assures Lilian he'll do everything in his power to prevent more cases like hers.

Alaine, Lukas, and Glenvar would stop their "hog-hunts" with her immediately. They would suddenly understand that these hunts probably aren't the healthiest way for her to gain confidence. They would instead seek safer, less traumatizing activities like group therapy or sports or something.

Alaine would still insist on teaching her self-defense and how to be assertive.

Glenvar wouldn't dare tease Lilian for anything after this; he'd try extra hard to keep his big mouth shut. Even if she did something completely ridiculous, because now he understands why she's so inept and the reason is just sad.

Lukas wouldn't treat her any differently. He'd just get depressed about the state of the world and take a week off, because suddenly his job feels too overwhelming. There is too much evil in the world, he thinks, and all his hard work is barely making a dent in it.

Jeimos and Linde would both just burst into tears. Jeimos would be inconsolable for days, but Linde would be quicker to wipe her eyes and turn her feelings into activism. She'd give Lilian a big hug and spend more time with her in friendship, supporting her any way she could. I don't know if Jeimos could even handle being around Lilian after that, honestly...every weird little behavior Lilian displayed would just remind them of the horror show they saw and they'd start crying. It would be too intense for them.

I think Balthazaar would just turn pale and say nothing. He'd drink as much as possible, as fast as possible, to forget what he'd just seen. He'd never speak of it or acknowledge it, but Lilian would notice how protective he seems towards her all of a sudden. Seems like he's always keeping tabs on her...

Skel is a goblin, meaning he can never forget anything he sees, hears, or learns. Lilian's life story would break him a little. He didn't like Lilian when she first arrived in the Hollow. He was distrustful of her because she used to be a vampire, annoyed by her childishness, and overall just kind of saw her as a burden on the village. Knowing what he does now, his whole perspective on her would change. Suddenly he's able to reach deep and pull patience out of his ass for her, where he had none before. He doesn't see her as a burden anymore, but a poor child who was mistreated and betrayed by her family, just like he was. He wouldn't treat her any differently in public, but he'd anonymously leave little gifts around the Hollow for her whenever she seemed sad, like flowers, dolls, and books.

Javaan would immediately run to Lilian and give her a big crushing hug, promising her that those horrible things will never happen again so long as the crew is around. "If all that garbage didn't kill you, then nothing can. You may as well be a divine," he tells her.

Elska would be so full of rage towards the Dusks, she wouldn't even know what to do with herself. She'd just start screaming and destroying shit until she calmed down enough to form a coherent sentence. She'd then find Lilian and roar, "WHERE IS THIS DESPICABLE FILTH YOU CALL 'DARIO DUSK'? HE CANNOT CONTINUE TO PLAGUE GAIA! I WILL DESTROY HIM!"

Terrified, Lilian squeaks, "He, um, he's...dead."

Elska is undeterred. "THEN I WILL DESTROY HIS WRETCHED SOUL WHEN I REACH THE AFTERLIFE!"

Mr. Ocean says nothing. He just takes the fattest bong rip of his life and passes it to Lilian. She declines. He pats her on the head and tells her she is much stronger than he is, and if he's still kicking, then she will make it too.

Zeffer would drop to his knees and apologize to Lilian for any hurt he caused. He would break down and cry, and I think the depression would hit him hard for a long time. Dario forced him to participate in the abuse towards her on numerous occasions, and the guilt still haunts him terribly.

*

Questions/Comments?

Lore Masterpost

#ask #asklilian #askwhatif #askliterature

[dramatiique]

NAME: Jason Dean ( JD ) AGE: 17 / verse dependent BIRTHDAY: MAY 27 GENDER: CIS MALE ORIENTATION: DEMIROMANTIC / DEMISEXUAL HAIR: DARK BROWN EYES: BROWN HEIGHT: 6'1"

---

EARLY LIFE.

JD’s childhood shaped him into the person he becomes. Witnessing his mother’s suicide played a crucial role in how he grew up. He has a peculiar relationship with his father and is more responsible of the two even when he was a child.

PERSONALITY.

JD keeps to himself but this isn’t to be mistaken for shyness. He is confident, outspoken, and well-read. He is very intelligent and always stays on top of his grades.

He hates the social hierarchy of high school. He thinks about what it might be like to change the world and wonders if only he can see how messed up high school really is. This leads him to think that it might be his duty to change that.

He comes across as aloof at times but he does have feelings. He has some psychopathic tendencies, but is ultimately a sociopath, as evidenced by his ability to form emotional attachments and fall in love. However, this can develop into an unhealthy and toxic obsession.

JD has issues with his father but doesn’t really know what he feels for him. He can’t decide whether he loves or hates him. Either way, he doesn’t view him as a strong father figure because JD feels more like the parent in the relationship. Despite this, they do get along because they've only had each other for a long time.

He is traumatized by his mother’s suicide but doesn’t realize it. He disassociates when he speaks about it. However, anyone would be able to see just how much it affects him even if he doesn’t.

JD is an avid reader and will seek out ways to broaden his knowledge. He also enjoys video games and music. Running is a hobby of his but he never joined any teams — he never cared to. He also took private boxing lessons outside of school so that he could learn to defend himself against bullies. He will defend himself without a second thought and this often leads to people leaving him alone and sometimes even fearing him.

DETAILED BACKSTORY.

Anna Kang met Buddy (Bud) Dean at a gas station when she was nineteen and he was twenty-three. Their relationship moved quickly and they began living together after just four months. They lived in a modest home in Hawthorne, Nevada. Anna unexpectedly fell pregnant when birth control failed. At first, she thought about getting an abortion. It wasn't that she didn’t want to have children, but it felt far too soon. However, after thinking on it she decided against it. Jason Dean was born on May 27th.

Unfortunately, the night he was born, Anna felt nothing as the nurse handed him to her. Bud was proud even if he didn’t have a clue how to handle a baby. Neither of them had relevant experience. Anna thought that she might just be exhausted after the birth and didn’t tell the hospital staff about her feelings. She returned home and did her best to play the role of a happy housewife and mother. Three months after the birth, she and Bud got married at a courthouse.  

When Bud returned to work in construction, Anna was left to look after their son. Unaware that she was suffering from postpartum depression, she tried her best to perform her duties. She tried to care when he cried but always felt irritated. She would forget to pay attention and rarely felt the desire to play with him. She even disliked the name “Jason” (Bud’s choice) and started to call him “JD” instead.

With Bud working long hours, Anna began to resent her life. She just wanted it to go back to the way it was before JD came along. Thoughts of hurting him and herself became more frequent, but she only acted on the ones that involved herself. She would self-harm by holding her hands beneath the hot water for too long while washing the dishes or purposefully scalding herself when making tea.  

Once JD was able to walk, he witnessed this happen a few times but was too young to understand what he was seeing. His mother would simply smile and shake her head, telling him that there was nothing to worry about. This continued on in a cycle until he reached the age where he could start school.

A few years later, Bud changed his schedule once he realized how depressed and detached his wife was. He spent more time with his son and tried to force him to put down his books and get into football. However, JD wasn’t interested and stuck to his books.

Due to Bud’s job, they ended up relocating to Amarillo, Texas. It was here that Anna decided that she couldn’t take it anymore. Frustrated and depressed by how her life had turned out, she knowingly entered a library that Bud had rigged to blow. While JD waited in the car for his father to finish, he spotted his mother at an upstairs window. She smiled and waved at him. He was confused at first, thinking that the demolition must have been canceled.  

However, as the workers left the building and his father approached the detonator to push the plunger down, JD realized what was happening. Due to being locked in the car, he pounded on the window to try and get someone's attention, too shock to realize he could unlock the car from the inside. The building exploded and he lost his mother that day. JD was nine years old.

After the funeral, Bud took JD back to Hawthorne where they stayed for a few months. He acted off, almost like nothing had happened. He didn’t know how to deal with Anna's suicide or comfort his son, which led to their father-son relationship becoming strained. One day he received a call from his boss, asking him if he would like to relocate to Las Vegas. They packed up and head there for a few years — they stayed there until JD turned thirteen.

Over the next several years, they moved around America as Bud rose through the ranks and eventually took over the company. He renamed it “Big Bud Dean Construction." As the company grew, they eventually ended up in Sherwood, Ohio. Due to how frequently they move, they always rent but have enough money to afford big homes if they ever wanted to permanently settle somewhere.

#&; ( ABOUT JD )

[xperimentalranger]

“Hey, we can take on that energy vampire. You took him down last time, no problem.”

It is kinda sweet that Mira is the only one who made an effort to lift his spirits during wirewolf in the beginning. I doubt she knows what made him so terrified of him suddenly in the first place.

While she mainly listed events from the first episode and then realized there were actually a lot of problems, I do believe she was referring to dirty work too.. As for their mission on Tradeworld? I doubt they know about it.

What happened during the slayer was a mission between Buzz and XR, so there was no need to update them about it. It’s likely that whatever happened was written in the mission logs and that’s it.

It’s not that nobody is taking his fear of the energy vampire seriously, as much as I hate his treatment in wirewolf. It is about the fact that Mira and Booster were not there during the events on Tradeworld. The only people who know about it are Savy and Buzz. But even then, they don’t know what happened when XR was away from them.

The issue comes back to communication.

Did XR ever talk with anybody regarding the mission on Tradeworld?

Did XR tell Buzz what happened while he was alone with NOS-4-A2?

We know that XR can be a prideful individual. We know that he has a bit of an ego sometimes, he lies and has a tendency to gloat.

Whatever happened on Tradeworld didn’t just traumatize him, it was also a shot at his own pride. As I already explained here and here.

He messed up that day and he knows it. Had he taken Mira and Booster along, then maybe things would have been a little different. It was his confidence that led to his downfall.

It was a traumatizing experience but so many humiliating things have happened as well, that is not something someone with a fragile ego would want to talk about. Booster and Mira don’t know what happened that day because XR never told them. Buzz doesn’t know what happened when XR got snatched twice. As far as his team is concerned, they think NOS-4-A2 wants to just eat him and handle him in his usual swift and destructive fashion way. They don’t know about the slowly draining his energy, recharge and repeat plan.

And why do I think that?

“You’re right! This Space Ranger will not be afraid! NOS-4-A2 is going down!”

“Hey, what about me? I’d like to play a bigger part in this mission.”

“Not that I was scared or anything, because I think we know I am not.”

This is a consistent trait that happens during their episodes together and it’s always with strangers. It does make him look bad, because what kind of Space Ranger does that make him?

What kind of impressions does that give towards his work when he just got reduced to a head and can’t do anything else or that he shows fears regarding that monster to Professor Triffid?

What kind of first impression does it give to Ty, a fellow Space Ranger, when he is just screaming, wheeling backwards, getting cornered while instead of trying to do something, he is just nervously and quickly rambling ahead whatever comes to mind first?

What kind of impression leaves that to his friends? He was the one who messed up. Are they just gonna tease him about it because he didn’t want to take them along? It's easier to just suppress everything that happened on Tradeworld with NOS-4-A2, find himself a nice distraction and never talk about it again.

What kind of impression leaves that to his father and Buzz when he becomes so paralyzed with fear? Maybe they were right and he wouldn’t be able to stand up to a real ranger after all. Does it make him a failure if he can’t stand up to NOS-4-A2 anymore? Will dad view him as less of a ranger because of it again and maybe want to shut him down? All he wanted was to prove his worth towards them but instead it resulted in something that XR can’t understand what it is.

He hates that he is so frightened of the energy vampire to a point where he becomes so paralyzed that he can’t do anything about it. He wants to fight back, but he can’t because he doesn’t know how.

And most importantly, he does not know what’s wrong with him. Trauma was not in his programming. He was programmed to watch and learn from others, but nobody ever taught him that. It just happened on his own and he doesn’t like it.

So if he is like that with Savy, Professor Triffid and Ty, it’s likely that he tried to act big after the slayer too or just didn’t bring it up at all because he needed a distraction from all of this afterwards.

#;Ranger Log (headcanons) #so much could have been solved in that show if people just TALK #also its funny because #nos-4-a2 pride got hurt with this so he kinda #damaged XR's pride as well #and they both played their own downfall in a way #nos is like wtf defeat is not in my programming #and xr is like i haven't even observed people with trauma how did that happen #idk there are many parallels or things they in common with each other #idk if i will ever go into that though

[buchinyansolos]

Fallout 4 oc time! Reminder that my oc’s are not lore-friendly, sorry, haha. also; I have a lot of them! I apologize for the length. 🫠

First and foremost, the Sole Survivor: Sunshine! The daughter of Nate and Nora. She’s around 12 before the bombs go off, and She’s a huge robotics nerd and tried to tame every robot she sees out in the wastes, and it’s proven quite well! Some of the settlements are just filled with robots she ‘tamed’. Has a mental attachment to Codsworth considering he was there for her pre-war. Oh, very traumatized too, can’t forget about that ❤️

Aloe is next! she's from Colorado and is also a giant tech nerd, except this time instead of robots it's various transportation machines. she actually got to the commonwealth by a motorcycle she managed to fix up. once she tried to make a working car, but it exploded in her face. (Codsworth was there when she tried. poor thing had a panic attack when he saw it blow up) the first time she saw the Prydwen she stood there in awe, shocked that something that advanced still runs and is functioning correctly without her handiwork.

Next is Serena! Serena is a bold witch who wanders the wastes with her Ms.Nanny wife Yume. she's confident in her own abilities, but she's highly forgetful and clumsy. one time she managed to drop her spellbook and trip at the same time. (the spellbook ended up on her head.) her specialty is mainly earth magic, making vines grow from the ground, making flowers bloom, and crops grow. it's hard to maintain earth magic when there's nuclear fallout in the foliage nearby, unfortunately. but she keeps her head up and continues to explore the wastelands.

Yume, Serena's wife, is a Ms.Nanny with flowers growing through her mechanics. quiet and shy, and usually lets Serena talk first. The reason she follows Serena is because she saved Yume from a mirelurk queen that almost destroyed her. she's very soft-spoken, however, she will kill a man if one of her friends is harmed. other than that, she's able to craft potions at a relatively quick rate and usually carries Serena's spellbooks. very terrified of Mirelurks.

Yuffi is an electricicity-centered witch whos the mechanic expert in her hometown. very bubbly and upbeat, but tends to be cruel without realizing it. she's obsessed with old-world jewelry and would pay millions of caps just for a pair of earrings. her most prized possession is her magic staff, decked in beautiful gemstones like citrine, orange ruby, and other beautiful yellow and orange stones. never seen without her S/O Platinum by her side.

Platinum is an assassin, able to blend into the shadows. due to their upbringing, they're very cold and it's hard to start a conversation with them. but their walls tend to melt when near animals and children. their weapon of choice is known as The Silencer. it's a silver blade with a gold charm on the handle. there are very small blood stains ingrained in the metal. although Platinum's getup seems like it would make so much noise when they walk, it doesn't.

Daisy is an institute experiment that went wrong. she's a centaur who managed to escape into the commonwealth. she's skittish and is terrified of most people, and she scampers away from even the slightest hint of people or noise. her trusty hunting spear and fast hooves are the main reason she's alive to this day. the only people that manage to talk to her is the witch population and the robots of the commonwealth. feels most at home in greygarden.

Cream is another institute experiment, an attempt at creating a real-life angel. however, her personality doesn't exactly match up to what people think angels are like. she's witty, mean, and rude. she does have a heart, although it's mainly reserved for her little sister. she cares about her remaining family.

Akuma is Cream's little sister and is a year younger than Sunshine. just like Cream, Akuma is an experiment, but instead of an angel. she's a devil. she's quiet. barely talks to people she doesn't know and hides behind Cream during combat. her temper can flare into fits of destructive anger when prompted, and she manages to bring hell to earth when pissed.

god damn, this was longer than I thought it would be, I'm so sorry.

#fallout4 #fallout 4 #fallout #oc's #long post

[latte-fairytaekwoon]

Wolf! Ateez: Trying To Get Close With Their Mate

Warnings: Mentions of forced servitude, prejudice, dealings with traumatic events, panic attacks, allusions to violence, mythical creatures and fantasy themes.

<<Previous // Next>>

❥𝓚𝓲𝓶 𝓗𝓸𝓷𝓰𝓳𝓸𝓸𝓷𝓰

Tired of being cooped up in the bed after days, you peeled the blanket off your body and started to get off. It was rather difficult since you were not fully recovered yet, but your wolf refused to stay still for so long in boring solitude.

"We did not escape from our old boring and strict life just to end up in a more boring one." She firmly stated, and you couldn't argue with her given that you yourself made the decision to leave your old home all on your own. Your wolf was merely an encouraging force for you.

You took small and slow steps, trying to get your legs adjusted to the feeling of walking again. Once you felt confident enough, you decided to make your way to the door, wanting nothing more than to go outside and breathe the fresh air. Taking hold of the doorknob, you turnt it but it proved to be rather difficult to open the door. Using what little strength you had, you pressed your body against the wooden frame, a terrible idea given it busted open immediately, sending you toppling down into the hallway. Luckily for you, Hongjoong's wolf had sensed that you were moving about and he decided to go check on you, glad he did since he was able to catch you before you had a nasty fall.

"Now what exactly possessed you crazy girl to start running around when you're supposed to be in bed?" Instead of scolding you, Hongjoong tilted his head at you, an amused smile on his face.

"I just...... it got boring inside those four walls. I wanted to go outside."

Hongjoong tongue poked against his cheek at your response, a pensive look on his face. Before you could even comprehend it, he had swooped you up in his arms and began carrying you out, your face flushed in embarrassment.

"Why didn't you just say so? I would have brought you out a lot sooner."

Your face brightened up along with your spirits when the sunlight cascaded down at you, the light breeze that was flowing through on that cool spring day felt truly invigorating. You loved this, loved the feeling of freedom nature gave you, and so did your wolf. Without even thinking twice about the consequences, you quickly shifted into your wolf form, surprising Hongjoong as he tried to hold you back but ultimately you jumped out of his hands and started running out into the deep part of the gardens. He shook his head in a disapproving manner, arms folding over his chest.

"She really is a crazy girl, running amok even though she's not fully healed." He let out an exhausted sigh that didn't last long as his worried frown soon turned into an admiring smile for you. He loved seeing the free spirit in you.

"Well? Are you just gonna stand there grinning like an idiot or are you going to go join her?" His wolf snapped him out of his trance.

Chuckling softly, Hongjoong shifted as well, eagerly running up to you and joining you, getting a little overexcited as he accidentally pounced on top of you, tackling you onto the ground.

"Oof!" You hissed when the weight of his wolf pinned you down.

"Oh my- I'm so sorry my dear. I don't exactly have full control in this way." He apologized as he immediately got off you.

Sitting up, you shook out your fur from the accumulated dirt.

"Don't worry...." Lunging at him, now it was his turn to be pinned down by you, an action that both surprised and thrilled him. He couldn't help but become giddy when you nuzzled your face against his neck.

"Neither do I."

❥𝓟𝓪𝓻𝓴 𝓢𝓮𝓸𝓷𝓰𝓱𝔀𝓪

With the most disgruntled look on your face, you were about to knock on Seonghwa's door but in the end you didn't need to since the man himself opened it before you could even touch the handle.

"I smelled you coming all the way from the corner. Forgive me, I couldn't wait to see you." He admitted shyly, the eager smile on his face refusing to go away.

Clearing your throat, you straightened out your apron and kept your gaze to the floor, a rule all of you had to abide by: never looking at your masters in the eye, or any wolf for that matter.

"Please excuse me Mr. Park, I'll try not to be in your way."

Seonghwa looked at you in confusion when you simply passed by him, not sparing him a glance and headed straight to his bed, hands already stripping off the linen off the mattress. You were so engrossed in your task, trying hard to ignore him that you didn't notice he had come up behind you until one of his hands took hold of your wrist and spun you around. That physical contact sent you into a panic as it reminded you of the time you were being dragged out of your village, your frantic screams falling on deaf ears as your family burned to the death along with the house.

"Get off me!" You exclaimed, your fists immediately balling up and pushing Seonghwa away. He was utterly clueless as to why you were acting that way and in his foolish attempt to comfort you, he ended up making things worse.

"Y/N, calm down. I'm not going to hurt you." He insisted as he neared you once more. Seeing you so distressed prompted him to try and embrace you, but it just further agitated you, his close proximity feeling overbearing and suffocating.

"I don't believe you! You're all the same! You're all cold blooded killers who don't care about anything! So don't fucking touch me!" You shouted, tears pouring out of your eyes as you tried to escape his grasp.

"Seonghwa stop! Cant you see you're only causing her more distress, leave our mate be!" His wolf chastised him, growling at the man as he continued to hold her. But Seonghwa wasn't listening, he still tried to calm you down.

"Y/N I care about you! Can't you see I love you? You're my mate, I would never hurt-"

The slap you landed across Seonghwa's cheek was hard enough to not only hurt him but to also stun him immensely that he let go of you. He stared at you in shock.

"Y/N.... why...how could you?" He was in disbelief as he grew up being told that mates could never bring themselves to hurt each other. And yet you didn't hesitate to. Instead of the love filled face you were supposed to have, you looked at him with disgust and pure rage, your sobs coming out with choked breaths as you fought hard to contain an ensuing panic attack.

"I told you from the beginning.... I hate you and your kind. Your kind murdered my family, destroyed my home and took away my life to serve yours and make it as comfortable as possible..... how could you possibly believe I'll ever love someone like you?"

With that, you stomped away, refusing to stay with him any longer, leaving him wondering just what did you mean.

❥𝓙𝓮𝓸𝓷𝓰 𝓨𝓾𝓷𝓱𝓸

Having woken up before the sun had even risen, you quickly threw on your cloak and wrapped it around your frame. Greeting the guards that were stationed by the front gate, you quickly made your way out of the palace and out into the forest that surrounded the castle.

"Good morning."

You were startled when you suddenly heard someone speak up behind you, making you whip your body around sharply. Being so scared and on edge, you inadvertently raised your hand and sent out one of your many defense spells, its green glow lunging out and nearly hitting the person responsible for your agitation, who was none other than Yunho himself. Being a creature of senses, Yunho dropped to the snow filled ground as quickly as he could, the blast coming out from you instead hitting the tree behind him, leaving a burnt hole straight through the thickest part of it.

Standing up and brushing the snow off him, Yunho stared at the tree before looking back at you, taking a step back when he noticed your glowing green eyes.

"Is this a good time to shift and run away from you?" He questioned you, hands up in the air.

Shaking your head to clear your thoughts, you took a deep breath and returned your eye color to its normal hue.

"You really shouldn't sneak up on us like that. When we aren't in control of our emotions, we can't control our powers and could cause unnecessary accidents." You explained with a rather annoyed tone.

"Accidents? You literally vaporized that poor tree for no reason-" Yunho's mouth dropped as he realized what could have happened to him.

"Oh my god! You really tried to kill me?"

Groaning, you pinched the bridge of your nose.

"What are you even doing here?"

Coming closer to you, Yunho smiled.

"I told you, I'm going to make you fall in love with me. I can't do that if I don't spend time with you."

Raising an eyebrow at him, you scanned him up and down, trying hard to read his aura, finding it bright and full of positivity.

"You're serious about this? You barely met me." You tried reasoning with him.

Yunho shrugged.

"To you it seems impossible because you're not used to it, but it's completely natural for us. To have one mate destined for us and recognize them at first glance...... so yes I've just met you, now will you let me get to know whom I've fallen in love with?"

You kept thinking to yourself how foolish he seemed to be. But you had to admire his dedication and commitment. Yunho's smile fell from his face when you said nothing and turned away from him, resuming your morning walk. He looked around awkwardly, wondering if you really just left him hanging there so cruelly. He was just about to go back inside when he suddenly heard your voice behind him:

"Well are you coming or not pup?"

❥𝓚𝓪𝓷𝓰 𝓨𝓮𝓸𝓼𝓪𝓷𝓰

It was day 2 of being confined inside your mate's home and honestly, sometimes you preferred he or one of his other pack members would have rather killed you off. Yeosang tried his best to make you feel welcomed, offering to spend time with you or suggesting you explore his rather spacious and cozy home, but you refused each time. Just because he was tied to you did not mean you were ok with the fact he and his pack killed off your own and were now forcing you to become a prisoner with them.

Hearing the door creak, you didn't even look or move away from the window sill you were currently sitting on.

"You know, if you wanna go outside all you have to do is ask me." You heard a chair's legs being scraped against the wooden floor. Placing the chair right in front of you so he could be facing you, Yeosang sat down with a bowl of fruit in his hands.

"What will be the point in that if I'd have to be handcuffed for it? Honestly, if you're going to treat me like a criminal I might as well just stay in here." You angrily spat out.

Yeosang wasn't going to answer to that. He himself felt it was unfair the restrictions they placed on you. Knowing he could do very little, he at least tried to make sure you were well fed. Picking up the fruit bowl, he placed it in front of you.

"You haven't eaten anything since you got here. So could you please?" His tone was practically pleading at you.

Looking down at the food, you sighed and placed it back on his hands. Just because you didn't want it didn't mean you were going to be rude and throw it on the ground.

"No thank you."

Yeosang opened his mouth to speak, but ultimately shut it. He was getting tired of your stubborn nature refusing to accept even the smallest of gesture he tried to offer you.

"All right..... I guess you left me no alternative..."

Taking advantage of the fact you weren't looking, he grabbed one of the strawberries and carefully placed it in his mouth before standing up. Feeling him come close, you turned to ask what he was doing but your words got caught in your mouth when Yeosang suddenly swooped down and grabbed the back of your neck, forcing the strawberry to be caught inside your mouth. Pulling back, he had the most smug smile you had seen, making you blush as you realized he indirectly kissed you.

"Now my stubborn mate, will you be good for me and actually eat or am I going to have to feed you mouth to mouth each piece of fruit?"

You quickly shook your head and swallowed the strawberry before picking up another one and downing it as well, trying hard not to look at Yeosang, who was still grinning.

"I'll go get you some toast."

As soon as he was out of your sight, he started giggling under his breath as he recalled your flustered expression, his wolf praising him for being so bold.

"It was about time you grew balls."

❥𝓒𝓱𝓸𝓲 𝓢𝓪𝓷

Although it was rather unexpected to have you come back home so early, and not alone for that particular reason, your parents were more than thrilled to find out that you had finally met your mate and gave him the friendliest welcome to your home. San was naturally charming, kind and a total sweetheart, so your parents instantly loved him and thanked the universe that you two were paired up.

Seeing how lovestruck you both seemed to be, your parents insisted he stayed a few days with them, to which San adamantly refused, not wanting to be a burden, but he could not win against the persistence of your parents. Having remembered how they felt when they met each other, they wanted you two to spend as much time together as possible, knowing fully well you two wouldn't bear being separated for too long when the time came, especially since San lived far away from your hometown.

Laying under the covers of the warm blanket, San twisted and turnt on the bed of the guest room, unable to fall asleep. He kept writhing around, alternating between kicking the blanket off him before wrapping himself into it again. He began to wonder if maybe you were also having trouble sleeping. Unable to stay there any longer, he got up and crept out of his room, tiptoeing his way over to the door of your room.

"Don't, you idiot. If you get caught, her parents will skin you alive." His wolf chastised him, snarling lowly when San's hand began turning the handle.

"Will you please calm down? I'm not planning on doing any of that stuff you're thinking. I just.....wanna see her."

Letting out a scoff, his wolf clicked his tongue.

"I inhabit your body, I know what you think and what you feel. I call bull."

Ignoring the annoying beast, San carefully made his way inside to your bed, trying hard not to disturb you as he noticed you were peacefully sleeping. He couldn't resist himself as he reached a hand out to stroke one of your cheeks, heart fluttering when you unconsciously pressed your face closer to his touch.

"God she's so beautiful...." San whispered softly.

You stirred softly when you felt something pressing itself against your jaw and neck, making you flutter your eyes open. You let out an involuntary smile when you saw that it was San nuzzling his nose against your skin.

"Just what are you doing?" You asked him, stifling a giggle when you felt him breathe into your sensitive skin.

"Isn't it obvious? I'm scenting you." He responded, crawling further on the bed until he was resting on top of you. Once he was done, he sat there, eyes staring intensely into yours. He swallowed harshly before asking:

"Do you mind if I stay with you? I promise I won't try anything. I just don't think I can sleep without you nearby."

Melting at his puppy eyes, you reached a hand up and gently brushed out some of his hairs.

"Ok." You leaned up and kissed his nose, making San momentarily blush crimson. Patting the space next you, he quickly got under the covers and didn't hesitate to wrap you in his arms.

"Just be sure to leave to your room before my parents wake up." You yawned as you rapidly fell asleep again. Feeling a little brave, San repeated your previous action on you, kissing the tip of your nose.

"Good night my sweet mate."

❥𝓢𝓸𝓷𝓰 𝓜𝓲𝓷𝓰𝓲

Removing the old bandages and discarding them in the trash, Mingi carefully applied some more ointment on your wound.

"Well so far no sign of infection or anything abnormal. So I'd say so far you are healing quite nicely." He smiled brightly at you.

"But obviously not as fast as you or any other wolf would." You shrugged.

"Take into account we're different species Y/N."

Measuring out the exact length of gauze he needed, Mingi carefully wrapped them around your ankle, making sure it wouldn't be too constricting to hurt you yet not loose for it to come undone by the slightest of movement.

"Can I ask you something?" You piped up.

"Anything." He replied as he began to help you put your shoe back on.

"Why are you helping me? Like genuinely speaking we have no connection between us and we're still complete strangers.... so why are you doing all this? You have nothing to gain from helping me."

Mingi halted his movements momentarily, debating whether or not it would be the perfect opportunity to tell you about how you and him were mates. His wolf was definitely desperate as he whined inside of him.

"Tell her! Now's your chance! What are you waiting for?"

Mingi wanted to tell you, but he wasn't even sure you knew what wolfs meant when they talked about mates. Perhaps it was a foreign concept to you. He ultimately decided it still wasn't the best time, but he had to come up with an answer for the time being.

"I could gain a friend if you're willing to get to know me so we won't be strangers no more." He offered as he finished tying your shoelaces.

"A friend? Really? You want us to get friend zoned? Oh gosh you're an even bigger fool than I thought." His wolf groaned.

You eyed him suspiciously, trying to read through his expression.

"What's the catch?" You questioned him, to which Mingi shook his head.

"No catch, I just want to spend time with you."

Raising an eyebrow, you crossed your arms over your chest.

"You've kept me inside your house all this time, how much more time could we possibly spend together?"

Realizing you were right and no doubt tired of seeing the same walls everyday, Mingi decided it would be good for you to see the place he lived in. And it was perfect timing given that a traveling fair had recently came there. You could both have fun and perhaps you'd be more comfortable around him and his kind.

Shifting positions, he turned his back to you and waved a hand.

"Hop on."

You states at him as if he was crazy.

"What?"

"Get on my back, we're going somewhere I think you'll like." He explained.

Reluctant to trust him yet curious about where he was planning on going, you wrapped your arms around his shoulders and allowed him to take hold of your legs and place them on his waist.

"Wait! Please don't tell me you're going to shift into a wolf and run with me on your back." Mingi chuckled when you said that.

"I mean I could if you want-"

"Please don't! I prefer your normal human form. Your wolf form is terrifying." You refused to let him finish that suggestion.

"Somehow I feel offended." Mingi's wolf huffed, yet Mingi himself just giggled as he began walking out of the house, taking precautions so as to not drop you.

"Trust me, soon you'll see wolfs are nothing short of being big puppies......."

❥𝓙𝓾𝓷𝓰 𝓦𝓸𝓸𝔂𝓸𝓾𝓷𝓰

Wooyoung groaned as the voice on the other end sent him straight to voice mail.

"Why won't she pick up?" He muttered angrily as he redialed the phone number.

"Oh I don't know, do you think perhaps it might have something to do with the fact you were being a horn dog and sniffing out other bitches when you're supposed to only look at our mate?" His wolf reprimanded him with a passive aggressive tone.

"Shut up, who the fuck asked you?" He spat out.

"Who else is around moron? Obviously you have no one to talk to but me." His wolf retorted.

"You're being a bigger dick than usual." Wooyoung pointed out. When the phone went to voice mail once more, he got beyond angry and threw it on the couch.

"I'm not being a dick, that would imply being an unfaithful and hormone raged fuckboy like you. And if I'm being hostile with my approach to you..... it's cause you might have ruined our chances with our mate and I'm feeling it!" The beast growled intensely with a ferocious nature that Wooyoung didn't think he was capable of producing.

"I'm the one bearing that aching need and want to be with our mate, not you, you selfish bastard. Oh if only I could separate myself from this body, I would tear your limbs off one by one!"

Wooyoung's stomach lurched, not just because the wolf was actually starting to scare him, but also because he did indeed feel utterly guilty and horrible for doing that to you. Picking up his phone again and grabbing his car keys, he decided it was time to fix things.

"Where are you running off to now?! I'm not done yet!" His wolf barked at him.

"Loosen up your knots mate, you're getting what you want. We're going to see Y/N." Wooyoung explained, immediately making the wolf ecstatic.

"Oh please. You won't admit it....but you wanna see her too."

Ever since the incident that happened you were in a pissy mood, angrily doing your chores around your house without enthusiasm or much care. Indeed, the dishes were getting aggressively cleaned by how hard you were scrubbing them.

"Stupid, lying, ungrateful, unloyal horn dog." You spatted out whilst slamming the dishes on the drying rack.

"Don't say that about him." Your wolf whimpered, still hurt over what had happened.

"I can say whatever I want about that ass-"

The doorbell rang before you could even finish your sentence. Groaning loudly, you wiped your soapy hands on your apron and stomped over to the door. When you opened it up and saw who it was, your mood darkened even more.

"Hey... I brought you these-"

Ripping the flowers off Wooyoung's hands, you didn't hesitate to start snacking him with them, the poor petals crumbling on the floor.

"You dirty, cheap, lying-"

You couldn't even bring yourself to finish saying anything. You simply dropped the rest of the murdered flowers on the ground and went back inside, slamming the door behind you. Wooyoung knew you were still there, he could feel and smell your scent from behind the door. That same scent that was becoming intoxicating for him. Pressing his ear to the door, he made out what seemed to be a sniffle coming out from you, making him regret his actions even more.

"Y/N? If you could please hear me out, I want to apologize to you properly for what happened. But I can't do that unless you open the door."

He knew you definitely heard him, yet still made no move. He wasn't giving up though. Turning so he could lean against the door, he let out a long sigh.

"I'll stay here as long as it takes."

❥𝓒𝓱𝓸𝓲 𝓙𝓸𝓷𝓰𝓱𝓸

You nervously walked alongside Jongho, keeping close to him as you looked up at the building in front of you. Sensing your apprehension, Jongho gently patted your head.

"Hey it's all right. Nothing is going to happen ok? They just want to ask you a few questions that's all."

You nodded and allowed him to guide you inside the facility. Being overwhelmed by seeing so many people around, your instinct was to cling onto one of his strong arms, which he actually didn't mind you doing. He simply cleared his throat as he fought back the smile threatening to take over his features. Coming up to the room where you needed to be, Jongho simply walked in, already knowing the person on the other side was waiting.

"Ahh Jongho. Right on time. I take it this....is the human?" A cold looking young man around Jongho's age asked as he pointed to you.

"Yes, this is Y/N." Turning his attention back to you, Jongho gestured to the person sitting on the chair. "Y/N, this is my friend Yeosang. He's only going to ask you a few questions and then be done. Don't be scared, I'll be right outside the door waiting for you."

Your grip on him tightened when you felt him move away.

"Wait! You won't be here to...?"

Jongho shook his head, gently prying off your hand off him.

"You'll be fine. Trust me ok?"

Feeling assured with him, you nodded and watched him walk out of the room. Yeosang gestured for you to take a seat across from him, offering you some of the candy he had in a bowl near his desk, which you refused. Humming a small tune, Yeosang picked up a notepad and pen, adjusting his glasses before he began.

"So Y/N is it? Cute name, cute face." You flushed at his compliment.

"You know I'm really curious to know where you're from. Where were you born? Who are your parents?"

It wasn't an unusual question to be asked, many people had asked that before, but it never got any easier for you to answer that.

"I don't.... I don't know..... I came to the conclusion that my parents either didn't want me or died when I was very young....."

Yeosang nodded, scribbling away something that you couldn't quite see.

"How is it that you came to live with the wolf couple in your old hometown?"

You relaxed more with the second question.

"They've always been in my life for as long as I can remember. I practically grew up with them."

Stopping his writing for a minute, Yeosang rested his chin on one hand.

"Were you fond of them?"

The mere question lightened your mood. Before you knew it you began rambling on about how much you adored them and all the wonderful things they did for you. Yeosang himself seemed amused by your change of mood.

"They were all I had until-"

Your mind started racing, going back to that horrific day when everything was ripped away from you. You started hyperventilating as it started to become difficult for you to breathe, your sight fading in and out. Feeling your agitation, Jongho quickly rushed in and tried to hold you, but Yeosang held up a hand, making him stop in his tracks.

"She's having a panic attack due to PTSD, I suggest not to touch her or else you'll make it worse."

Trusting Yeosang, Jongho stepped back and watched him gently calm you down, assuring you that you were going to be fine and that nothing was going to happen to you. Yeosang gestured for Jongho to grab him one of the water bottles in the fridge, which he promptly did. Knowing your hands were too shaky, Yeosang lifted the water to your lips, tilting your head back so you could drink it. Although it was hard for you to swallow, you managed to gulp most of it down, a strange feeling of calmness starting to overtake you. So much that you didn't even realize you fell unconscious.

"What the fuck did you do to her you mad scientist?!" Jongho exclaimed as he ran over and picked up your sleeping body.

"Calm down, she'll only be knocked out for a few hours, nothing major." He explained as he studied the water bottle you had drunk from. With a smile, he held it out for Jongho to see.

"And we managed to get a DNA sample."

Gifs not mine. Credit goes to their respective owners.

#ateez #ateez reactions #ateez scenarios #ateez imagines #ateez fluff #ateez fanfic #ateez fanfiction #ateez angst #ateez wolf au #wolf!ateez #wolf!au #ateez hongjoong #ateez seonghwa #ateez yunho #ateez yeosang #ateez san #ateez mingi #ateez wooyoung #ateez jongho

[slasherhaven]

Otis Driftwood planning to kill you until he actually sees you Part 2

Request: The reader is completely okay with the killing and everything and just acts like what happens at the Firefly house is an everyday normal thing. @tori-supernatural 

Part 1 to this is HERE

After meeting Otis in that bar and going home with him, you spent the night at the Firefly home. The only time you found yourself alone since arriving at the house was the next morning, when you woke up in Otis’ bed without him laying beside you.

You did think it was a silly thing to think but you were sure that you and the strange man had made a connection, there was certainly something between you both that was a little more than a one night stand. Though, you weren’t one to overstay your welcome and you believed that if the two of you were supposed to meet again, you would.

So, you climbed out of bed, gathered your clothes, and got dressed. Otis still hadn’t returned so you figured that you would just leave the bedroom, you’d probably bump into him or Baby anyway.

The house looked a little different during the day, and without Otis guiding you around, but still just as strange as you had originally thought it to be. As you approached the stairs, you could hear noises and people talking, you hoped it was Otis or Baby and you weren’t about to have an awkward encounter with another family member.

Reaching the bottom of the stairs, you followed the voices into the kitchen. Once yo reached the doorway, you froze, staring at the sight and trying to process what could have happened.

On the ground, in the middle of the kitchen, lay the young man that had come home with Baby last night, in a pool of his own blood. Dead. 

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” Otis snapped at his sister, neither of them noticing your presence in the doorway.

“It ain’t my fault he got out” she scoffed.

“It was your responsibility” he reminded her, you looking between them both as they both talked. You couldn’t help but notice how casually they talked, sounding more like Baby had broken something rather than killed someone. It was all just too nonchalant. 

“If you had stuck to the plan instead of getting laid, none of this would’ve happened” Baby insisted. This murder seemed more like a inconvenience than a traumatic event to them.

“Shit...Y/n” Otis muttered, as if he was just remembering that he had left you in bed upstairs. 

“You better get her outta here before she sees this” his sister advised. 

“Too late” you finally spoke up after coming to your sense, though definitely not reacting the way you should or a normal person would. But it got their attention, making them look at you. “What happened to him?” you asked, leaving the siblings to try to figure out what the hell you were thinking. 

“He tried to run but I got to him first” Baby told you with a small shrug, once again acting like things were completely normal. If you weren’t going to freak out, neither was she, she already had to chase one person down today. 

“Right...” you nodded slowly, still trying to get a grasp of what exactly was going on here.

“You’re a little too calm” Otis squinted at you. 

“She’s processing” Baby rolled her eyes at her brother, like he was being oblivious. 

“I’m fine” you assured them, making them both look at you with confused expressions. “C’mon, it’s not like I thought you two  were model citizens when I met you, I knew you were dangerous, plus this guy can’t be Baby’s type. He was just an easy target” you shrugged. 

“He wasn’t easy, he was fast!” Baby protested, sounding offended by the suggestion that this man had been an easy kill, like you had been underestimating her. It amused you a little. 

“If last night taught me anything, it’s that you’re a little fucked up” Otis commented, making you blush slightly, “but this is a whole new level.” 

“That’s rich coming from someone who just killed a man” you scoffed.

“Actually, I killed him, thank you” Baby huffed, crossing her arms over her chest. 

“Right, sorry” you apologised with a small nod. “But this is a regular thing for you guys, right?” you accused more than asked. 

“How’d ya guess that?” Otis questioned, still squinting at you, trying to figure you out. Ever since he met you at the bar, you had been a mystery to him. 

“You’re also way too calm, and it sounds like you had a plan last night. I put the pieces together” you stated. You’re matched casualness must have thrown him off, he knew there was something about you that drew him in but it seemed like the two of you were more of a match than he had originally thought.

“She’s clever” Baby grinned, looking to her brother. 

“Fuckin’ hell, Baby” Otis rolled his eyes, annoyed with her interruptions, as he walked up to you. “I knew you were fucking crazy from the moment I saw ya” he told you as he grabbed your arm roughly, pulling you out of the kitchen.

“Welcome to our world!” Baby called after you with a laugh, knowing that Otis would definitely plan on keeping you around now.

Otis dragged you into the living toom before pushing you forward and releasing your arm. 

“When you approached me at the bar, you were planning on killing me right?” you asked as you turned to him, not seeming all that phased by the possibility.

“Something along those lines” Otis confessed, staring you down. 

“Why didn’t you?” you asked curiously. 

“Sensed the fucked up in ya, looks like I was right” he teased with a slight smirk. 

“Ain’t you observant” you smirked right back. “So, what now?” you asked. 

“I’ll give ya a choice” Otis hummed, eyeing you up and down, sizing you up all over again. “I know ya ain’t going to the cops, so ya can walk out that door and forget about this place...or I can show ya everything” he offered. Otis considered himself a good judge of character, and for the most part he was, and he was sure that you were going to answer the way he wanted you too. 

“I ain’t got nowhere to be...show me” you couldn’t help but wonder what else this man had in store for you, and you found yourself needing to know everything.  

“Oh, we’re goin’ to have a lot of fun” Otis smirked as he stepped towards you, throwing an arm around your shoulders. 

“You promise?” you asked as you looked up at him, stopping him from guiding you through the room by turning to him and wrapping your arms around his waist. 

“Just hope ya can handle it” he was teasing you, something about the way he was looking at you told you that he thought you might be able to handle it and he was looking forward to it.

“I can handle a lot” you assured him confidently. 

Otis’ smirk grew before he lent down, capturing your lips in a heated kiss, one that you instantly returned. 

“We’ll see” he pulled away from the kiss, seeing how you smiled up at him with a shine in your eyes.

You unwrapped your arms from around his waist but he kept one of his around your shoulder, guiding you through the house to show you all of the family’s dark secrets.

Maybe you were right, you and Otis were meant to cross paths, and maybe you were meant to end up here the whole time. What you knew for sure was that you would be sticking around for a while and things were about to get much more interesting.

#otis driftwood x reader #otis driftwood #slasher x reader #slashers x reader #slasher #slashers #My writing

[shirkers2018dirsanditan]

the thing thats really getting me is how so many people so confidently are like. well if that producer could see the cracks why couldn’t sebold! why didnt she say anything! like for one, i do not buy the very storytale fucking tv show gotdamn hollywood twist of a fucking PRODUCER uncovering the Truth in this case and i think that’s an attractive angle being played up. i think the microscopic hair analysis being dismissed as a legitimate science and instead exposed as a fraud is probably more relevant to broadwater’s exoneration (and the former is such a convenient story for the producer who is now making a film with/for broadwater too and clearly got a head start on marketing). but anyway. that assertion is so ridiculous. sebold WAS THE VICTIM. she obviously is never going to be able to analyze her own fucking trauma and the aftermath with a neutral and investigative eye…..thats not real life. why do people keep talking about this case like convictions do not involve a trial in a court of law with a jury. the discourse around this acts like sebold and broadwater did one of those transformative justice trials where she accused him and denounced him and then they threw him in jail. he had an attorney that pointed out inconsistencies. and yet the jury convicted him anyway. and before that the prosecution and the judge made decisions on what to include in this trial by means of evidence. there was an entire apparatus of professionals whose JOB it is to handle cases like these. with decades or at least several years of experience. alice sebold was a traumatized teenager. victims are ancillary to the trial process and prosecutors and judges and defense attorneys do not have to respect their wishes. we know this. why are so many people so willing to put their dislike or hatred of women above their own politics (because that antipathy is their politics)

BUT ALSO. this was a bestselling book. nobody else raised those discrepancies? its been 40 years. apparently it was all so obvious and yet of all the critics and everybody the fuck else didn’t see it either. this is so ridiculous

#the entire response is fucking ridiculous #and im glad anthony broadwater is given an opportunity to both tell his story and make some money #but that producer is definitely playing himself up as a hero here #and the narrative is just letting him lol

[jonsa101]

Episode 3x14: A Reflection of How Max Stepped Into Love After A Season of Suffering

Gif credit @supagirl

Hey guys! I can’t believe the season finale has come and gone! I think my mind is just taking time to comprehend everything that has happened! Sharpwin is officially canon! As I’m typing this out, it feels strange writing a meta on the other side of things. Since season one, I’ve been writing metas about how these two belong together and making predictions about the trajectory of their relationship. Now, to be on the other side of things where I know longer have to do that because these two are finally together is kinda crazy. I feel so elated!

Now y’all, I’m not going to lie to you, I had a totally different meta planned out and that meta is still in my drafts. I will probably release it because it was a general review of the episode but I thought it was more important that I put this meta out first. When I was watching the finale live, I didn’t love it. I just didn’t. I loved that Max and Helen finally got together at the end of the episode but I had a major issue with how it unfolded. The issue my friends was this scene right here: 

Baby!!! When I tell you this scene TRIGGERED me, it did! Now mind you, I wasn’t upset with Max’s storyline of searching and struggling to take off his wedding ring. It is human nature for Max to still have an emotional attachment to his ring. He’s not still grieving but essentially that ring is the only thing he has left of Georgia and represents a life he once had. Him taking it off was always going to be a monumental moment for Sharpwin and for himself. The issue that I had was Max casually telling Helen that he freaked out about losing his ring!!! To me, after the voicemail he left her, after Helen flew standby and was in a six hour flight to see him, it was an incredibly CALLOUS thing for Max to say. I know Max wasn’t thinking in this moment. I know his intentions were clearly not to hurt her but words matter and him being careless with his was a complete disregard of Helen’s feelings. She was deeply hurt and upset when he said this and rightfully so! I mean just look at her expression here:

Helen’s entire being read like

“I can’t believe you”

And girl same, because neither could I!! He knew he fucked up and he obviously made up for it in the end but y’all when I was watching it live, everything that came after that elevator scene was was tainted for me. I had a hard time believing that Helen would let what he said slide so easily and in the moment, I couldn’t appreciate the beauty of them finally coming together! 😩 In my personal opinion, there were so many other ways that scene could have played out without Max having to literally tell Helen to her face that he was worried about his wedding ring! I know they were trying to build up to the “big moment” where he finally takes his ring off and runs back to Helen’s apartment but man, that moment did not sit right with me in my spirit! It still doesn’t and I don’t think my opinion will ever change on this.

With that said, I’ve now done several rewatches of the finale where I specifically watched the scenes after that awful moment by the elevator. As I’ve had time to reflect, my perspective has changed. I no longer view the moments after the elevator scene as tainted but as something deeply profound and beautiful. Hell, even as I reflect on that scene by the elevator, I still don’t like it, but in a way I understand it in how it relates to Max’s overall journey when it comes to Helen. To me, Max Goodwin is a man who fell deeply in love with Helen in the midst of the most complex situations and a season of him suffering. It’s been deep rooted, complicated and messy from the start and over the past three years we’ve seen Max navigate through the complexities of his feelings for Helen and the circumstances he’s found himself in on our screens. I think when you look at season three finale and specifically the journey of Max finally making a choice to be with Helen, you have to put into context Max’s history and how it influenced what that looked like. So y’all that is exactly what I want to do in this meta so let’s dive in.

One thing I think we need to acknowledge is that, even though as an audience we have loved seeing Max and Helen’s journey unfold, the road has been so TOUGH for them. As Helen said in 3x13, it’s been a fight! Especially for Max. The suffering he has endured over the past three years has been unfathomable and much of his relationship with Helen and his feelings for her have been developed under these traumatic and tragic circumstances. 

At the very beginning of the series, when Max and Helen first meet they clash but it doesn’t last for long. It’s his first day at New Amsterdam and as the new Medical Director, he wants her to stay at the hospital and treat patients instead of doing press tours. Helen on the other hand wants to continue doing press and for the most part ignores his demands for her to return to the hospital. When she finally does return, she does so because she learns that Max has cancer. This bonds them at the onset as Helen is the only person in his life that knows about his diagnosis. As an audience, when we first see them interact, we instantly saw the sparks fly between them. Their chemistry and natural witty banter made us immediately take a look at their relationship and what potential they could have in the future. Though we were shocked by his cancer diagnosis, I think the fun and lightheartedness of Sharpwin’s first interactions really masked how traumatic this must have been for Max. On the first day of his dream job, that he sacrificed his marriage for, he learns that he has cancer while having a baby on the way. Those are the awful circumstances that first bring Max and Helen together. 

As Helen becomes Max’s doctor and he swears her to secrecy about his diagnosis, their friendship and bond grows deeper. His passion and drive to help his patients, reignites Sharpe’s love for medicine again and inspires her to put her patients first. They become vulnerable with each other more than anyone else in their lives. He confides in her about his broken marriage and she tells him that she wants a baby. When he almost dies, she becomes his deputy medical director so that he can focus on his care. All of these moments are significant to them because somewhere along the way they develop feelings for each other. They didn’t plan for it and it’s something neither of them are consciously aware of but unknowingly, they both start to fill a place in each other’s lives that was clearly more than a doctor and patient relationship or a friendship. This “place” wasn’t called out until episode 1x16 were the clairvoyant called out their feelings for each other. When episode 1x17 comes around, after a night of revelations and a scramble to get the power back on in the hospital, Helen decides to step back as his doctor. If she wasn’t aware of her feelings before, in this moment, she’s fully aware of them now. This is an effort to safeguard her heart and set boundaries because the lines of who they are to each other were already so blurred. When she “triages” their relationship Max’s reacts badly and honestly they’re both devastated and are on the verge of tears:

As viewers, we loved this moment but when you peel back the layers of what’s actually going on in this scene, it’s gut-wrenching. The subtext is so clear here yet their situation is so complex and layered. We know for a fact that Max wasn’t trying to lose her in ANY CAPACITY. We also know that in the way he TRULY wanted her he couldn’t have her and Helen knew that too. Not when he was married, had a baby on the way, and fighting cancer at the same time. Y’all that’s hard and profoundly painful when you think about it and it makes this scene all the more tragic. 

When Helen steps back as his doctor, at first Max seems to be handling it well but as his cancer starts to get worse, he completely breaks. Like I said earlier, over the course of his cancer treatment, Helen filled a place in Max’s life that was so much more than just his doctor or his friend. So when he’s dying and no longer has the person he feels deeply for play an active role in his treatment, he lashes out. He’s dealing with a range of emotions he can’t handle or properly process. Things only get worse from there and at the end of season one Georgia and Luna’s life are on the line and Bloom and Helen scramble to save them. When it seems like everyone was able to come out of that traumatic event unscathed, they get into a devastating ambulance crash that changes everything. 

Season 2 brings another level of pain and suffering for Max when he loses his wife after the crash and is thrust into single fatherhood. Not only is he grieving but he’s also dealing with guilt of falling in love with Helen while he was married. The complexities of his feelings is something he struggles with throughout this season and it affects his relationship with Helen. At some points he pushes her away and at others he desperately needs her. Once again, Helen and Max’s relationship is caught up in the most complex of circumstances that is riddled with agony and trauma. 

By time we head into season 3, Max doesn’t even have time to breathe or think about his relationship with Helen because they’re both thrust to the frontlines of the pandemic. 

I bring all of this up again to emphasize that there has never been a time where Max and Helen’s relationship hasn’t been wrapped up in trauma or some sort of suffering. It has always been one thing or another with them. It’s been A LOT and Max has tried to navigate being in love with Helen through his suffering and under these crazy ass circumstances. So after rewatching the finale, the questions that run through my mind are:

How do you step into love when all you’ve known for the past three years has been suffering?

How do you love openly and freely when for so long you’ve emotionally suppressed your feelings for someone because it was “wrong?” 

How do you let go, heal, and move on with your life?

To me, answering these questions is what the season finale for Max was all about. When you’ve suffered so much and endured so much it’s not easy to step into a new chapter in your life that’s hopeful and filled with love and possibilities. For Max, I don’t think in his wildest dreams that he ever imagined that he and Helen would be in a place where they could actually be together. Considering everything they’ve gone through, quite frankly it’s a fucking miracle! So when he actually makes it to the other side and not only SURVIVES but has a chance for happiness, I don’t think he knows what he’s doing. Pursuing/having feelings for Helen from a place that isn’t wrapped up in trauma and tragedy, where there are seemingly no obstacles in his way, is totally and completely new territory for Max. I think he’s clueless in how to do that in the right way and as he navigates through that, naturally there are hiccups.

That’s evident with what he said by the elevator and also in this moment here: 

Max doesn’t have a clue but he wants to make sure that he doesn’t fuck it up because he DESPERATELY wants this! I also think there’s something to be said about how we as human beings can self-sabotage ourselves when we finally have an opportunity to get what we want. Fear, guilt, worthiness usually comes into play with that and I think for Max there was definitely a fear with moving on with his life, guilt of surviving it all and having a chance to be with the woman he’s loved for so long, and a question of if he’s worthy of actually having happiness.

Their walk in my mind perfectly embodies him self sabotaging while also trying to navigate his feelings of desperately wanting to be with her. At the beginning of their walk, you see that at one point he clearly wants to hold Helen’s hand but he doesn’t (I would use a gif here y’all but I literally only have room for 10 😩). I’m focusing my attention on Max here because essentially this whole moment between them is a part of Max’s “mini story” in the episode. The ball has always been in his court and truly what we are witnessing is his journey to step into love because Helen is ready and has been waiting on him. 

The most compelling moment in their walk scene for me was this one: 

I find it strange for Max to walk so far ahead when he was the one who asked her if he could walk with her. My first thought while watching it live was “what is he doing” and I think Helen’s expression reads the same way. After analyzing this for a bit, I genuinely think that’s the point of this scene. Like I said earlier, Max doesn’t know what he’s doing. To be with Helen like this is, where its romantic, peaceful and drama free is probably blowing his mind and he doesn't know how to navigate this. He doesn’t know how to receive this second chance at happiness. 

The internal war of Max stepping into love or allowing fear, guilt, and unworthiness to hold him back becomes all the more evident when they get to Helen’s door: 

He knows he wants to come in. Helen know he wants to come in too. This man literally says goodnight twice and when Helen responds with “you said that,” it perfects this scene. She wants him to come in as well but she’s not going to ask him to. In this moment, she sees his internal struggle and she knows that he has to make the choice himself on whether or not he wants to move on with his life with her.

When he walks away, for a moment that was Max choosing to hold onto the pain and trauma of his past. That was him choosing to hold onto the guilt that was keeping him from healing and moving on. With the suffering he’s been through, it makes sense. In many ways he’s been conditioned to fight, to suffer and to endure. It’s what he’s used to. But praise the lord, he thinks of the moments he just shared with Helen. 

The joy he has with just being in her presence. 

The opportunity he has to freely be with her and have a life with her after loving her for so long.

He is not condemned to a life of suffering. It was only for a season. He’s in love with Helen and wants to be with her. Like hell is he going to let this opportunity at a second chance of love and happiness slip away from him. So guys, he slips off that ring, runs back to Helen’s apartment and makes a choice to step into love. Step into this new, uncharted, chapter of his life with Helen Sharpe. 

Anyway guys! I hope y’all enjoyed this! I might be releasing one more meta but we will see how it goes.

As always feel free to reach out to me on Tumblr and on Twitter @oyindaodewale. Love you guys!

#new amsterdam #Sharpwin #Max Goodwin #Helen Sharpe #Max x Helen #sharpwin meta #new amsterdam meta

[elia-de-silentio]

The overarching themes of Vanitas no Carte: Identity

The Case Study of Vanitas is a very good, too little known manga (I hope the anime changes something), with some central themes than are exposed in different ways through different characters. In this meta, I want to explore one that was brought to my attention pretty recently: here a little examination on the various ways to face one's own identity in The Case Study of Vanitas.

The Stable Identity( Noè)

Let's start off with the positives, shall we? Noè has probably the most secure personal identity of all the bunch.

And this is pretty amazing, considering everything he went through. He has no memory of his birth family, but gets adopted by some nice people - who die shortly afterwards. Right at their graves, he is kidnapped by slaves, in an accident that left him injured. Then he is bought by someone who actually treats him nicely and is a good mentor for him, he finds many friends his age - and then one of them, the one he was closest to, turns out to be a cursebearer, kills all of the others and then tries to kill him; he is saved by the mentor, who beheads the friend right in front of him. The most immediate emotion is relief for being alive, and he will always feel terrible for that. Then, he has to witness his surviving friend try to cope very badly with her mourning by repressing her identity and try to substitute it with that of her dead twin. That's a lot.

And Noé reacted to all of this by becoming a confident person, kind and attentive to others, but not to the point of being a pushover. I'm not saying he walked away unscathed from the events of his childhood: he regrets the way he handled things with Louis, the way he didn't understand him, and has developed quite the savior complex as a result.

What I'm saying is that he is probably one of the very few well-adjusted people in the psychiatric ward that is Vanitas no Carte. He is still questioning himself, but in a normal way for a nineteen-years-old that has just left a sheltered environment for the big wide world. He is aware of some of his strenghts (his naivete) and is realizing others (putting unfair expectations on other people, underestimating other people due to racial biases); but most importantly, when he realizes these mistakes, he doesn't run away from them or obsess over them believing they make him a horrible person: he recognizes them, apologizes to the wronged person if necessary, and works on improving them.

This isn't to say he's completely happy-go-lucky with no regrets; he feels guilty about being relieved that he lived while Louis died, and he has a lot of uncertainties regarding his identity as an Archiviste and the impact his powers can have on other people. But he managed not to tie his entire identity to that guilt; and as for the second point, Teacher helped him rationalise that and figure out a conduit that didn't undermine him and at the same time showed respect for others. Noè went through several traumas, but received one thing most of the cast didn't: guidance and support from his environment. Whatever Teacher's actual motives are, he shaped a well-balanced person.

The Group Identity (The dhamps, appearently 99% of vampirekind)

"Us dhams are only loyal to each other!" This is what Dante says in one of the first chapters, giving us the first clues to their status as outcasts.

The war between humans and vampires ended up with each deciding to keep to themselves, but dhampires are the living exception to that silent agreement. So, both societies decide to reject them, and they can't find a place in the world unless they stick to others of their own kind. This common history of traumatic experiences of abandonment and subsequent resentment of both human and vampire society for it goes on to create a very strong group identity: the only ones they give a damn about are those like them, everyone else is a potential enemy and is only good to be exploited.

Then, we have the vampire culture. I mean ... it might be because insofar we have met almost exclusively aristocrats obsessed with their respectability ... but they have a lot of prejudices.

You're born under a uncommon moon? You're a pariah. You're mixed race? You're a pariah. Your parents committed a crime? You're a pariah, and are used as a tool. You're born as part of a set of twins? Either you or your sibling are killed at birth, because of something that is SAID, not even a certified element of vampire biology. You're stuck with a curse? You're executed, no attempts to heal you.

Their society seems to run on an ideal model of person which depends on factors outside the individual's control, and whoever doesn't fit this description and deviates from the group in any shape or form gets ridiculously fierce punishment. They make the freaking Church look good by comparison, at least their repressive and racist side is composed of extremists instead of everymen.

The Clan Identity (Chloé, and partially Noé again)

Chloé identifies with a group of people too; but it's not a race, it's a family. The D'Apchier family, the nobles who are responsible for Gevaudan. Her father made sure she had this idea in her right from the start, and she interiorized it.

And this had mixed results: while on the one hand she was chained to self-loathing by the guilt of having accidentally caused the massacre of the family and was only saved by Jeanne and Jean-Jacques reclaiming her as part of theirs, on the other she was able to resist to Naenia because of the love and responsibility she felt towards the people of Gevaudan. Chloé is, at this point, the only curse-bearer who managed to trick and attempted to fight directly against Charlatan.

Then there is Noé in relation to his Archiviste identity. He seems to think of it mainly in negative terms, very conscious of the living invasion of privacy it turns him into ... and nothing else. We have never seen him wonder about who his birth parents were, ask himself why he doesn't remember anything, why was the clan exterminated, or how he feels about being a survivor, one of the only ones if not outright the only. He sees his heritage as a burden,and hasn't thought of it in any different term. I wonder how a change in perspective could impact the above 'stable identity'.

The Someone Else's Identity (Vanitas, Dominique)

I already dedicated a whole post to this trait they share, so I'll be short: both Vanitas and Dominique hate themselves and try to become something worthy by taking elements of people they admire: Louis for Dominique, a combination of his birth father and Luna for Vanitas.

The Object Identity (Jeanne)

The very first thing Jeanne was said in her whole life was that she was an object. A vessel for something (or someone?) else, who mustn't have feelings or desires of her own. Encouraging, isn't it?

Luckily, this wasn't all she got in life. Soon afterwards, she was adopted by Eric and Louise, who loved her a lot, received kindness by Ruthven, met Chloé who became an older sister to her. Unluckily, all of this was taken away from her in the most cruel way possible.

She couldn't make any sense of her parents's betrayal and death, and the way her life suddenly changed; she rationalised it by telling herself that it was her fault, if she had been just the good object everyone told her to be nothing would have happened. So she accepts the Object Identity: she is a tool, so she doesn't feel, she exists only to obey orders, and as long as she is nobody else will ever suffer. It gets even worse after she fails to kill Chloè: she couldn't fulfill her duties, and both her and her big sis suffered for it. This mindset traps her in a world of pain, but also prevents her from facing the fact that she is subject to a senseless injustice, one she has no control over.

Vanitas managed to help her with that. He validated her feelings, and showed her that nobody had to die if she had them, solving the situation with Chloé and Jean-Jacques. This gave her a nice confidence boost, returning her to the cheerful attitude she had as a young girl; the consequences of this change remain to be seen.

The Unknown Identity (Luna)

This one is interesting because Luna themselves is pretty explicit about it. They see themselves as something 'other', who is outside commonly used categorization; starting with 'male or female' (and here I am left wondering if they had specific sexual characteristics but didn't feel like they 'fit', or were intersex and nonbinary, or had an entirely different biology from both vampires and humans).

Luna doesn't like this condition: they said they tried to figure out what they were, to understand themselves, and they regret doing so now. Why? Maybe they didn't find any answer and were left perpetually unsatisfied, or they found an answer, and they found it to be awful?

Still, this indicates Luna has never been particularly happy with themselves, and this found no resolution. And then they died. Nice, uh?

Well, I think this was all. There are other characters I would like to know more about in regard to this, like Ruthven, Marquis Machina, and Mikhail, but there is still time.

All in all, I'd say Vanitas no Carte explores the theme of identity pretty throughly; many character arcs are still in progress, and I'm interested about how things will develope especially for Vanitas, Dominique and Jeanne.

Thanks to anyone who bothered to read my ramblings!

#vnc #vanitas no carte #the case study of vanitas #vnc meta #vnc analysis #vnc noe #vnc chloé #vnc vanitas #vnc dominique #vnc jeanne #vnc luna #elia's recaps

[romioneficfest]

Valeria

Title: Valeria

Prompt: Photo

Tumblr name:

Rating: GA

Word Count: 1392

Brief summary: Sometimes someone steps into your life when you least expect it. Ron and Hermione had made a lot of life changing decisions together, and this is the beginning of another.

Any content warning: None

*******

When the first ray of sunlight appeared on the horizon, marking the start of this new day, a very tall, red-headed man walked through the streets of London with a confident stride. His burgundy-red robes billowed behind him and his tired, unshaven face painted the picture of a somehow shady individual roaming the streets in these early morning hours. This, however, contrasted with the spring in his steps, the spark in his eyes and the huge smile lighting up the ginger’s fatigued face.

Ron Weasley was dealing with a whirlwind of emotions right now. His heartbeat raced as fast as his mind, causing his chest to fill with both anxiety and excitement.

He was on his way home from one of his Auror missions. Although Ron retired from this kind of work many years ago, he couldn’t say no when Harry asked him to help out in one of his cases, only one day after Hugo went off to Hogwarts for the first time.

Destiny and fate weren’t a concept Ron believed in, but if he did, he might think it was meant to be that he got asked to join this particular mission. Two weeks ago, he accompanied a ten-year-old Squib girl to an orphanage. She had not said a single word that day, but kept holding Ron’s hand from the moment they had found her at the crime scene right until it had been time for Ron to leave for home.

The following evenings, he’d kept visiting Valeria before his night shifts started. Her silence remained for several more days and Ron just sat with her, talking about the weather, chess and the newest invention sold at the joke shop. One day though, she suddenly reached for the wedding band on his left hand, briefly grazing over the gold ring.

“Can you tell me about your family?” Valeria asked, her voice quiet and barely audible.

He’d deliberately avoided the topic so far because he assumed talking about his wife and kids would only inflict pain. “What do you want to know?”

Valeria thought about it for a second before her curious eyes flitted to his hand again.

“Is she pretty?” she asked, smiling a little at Ron’s amused expression.

“Very,” Ron told her as he fished out a photograph from his wallet and gave it to her.

It was an old picture his mother-in-law had taken of them when Rose and Hugo were 6 and 4. Instead of looking into the camera, Rose, despite laughing, had her eyes squeezed shut as their dog Jeff licked across her face. And while Ron and Hermione dutifully smiled into the camera, Hugo had not sat still in his mother’s arms. The boy had gifted his grandmother a toothy smile while his upper body was hanging upside down, causing Hermione's smile to waver a bit as she struggled to hold Hugo.

“Hermione and I accepted a long time ago that a perfect family picture will most likely never happen,” Ron chuckled, causing Valeria to smile too as she stared at the photograph.

“I think it is perfect,” she said and Ron couldn't help but agree.

Ron shifted in his seat to make himself more comfortable before narrating the adventures of the Granger-Weasley family.

Valeria listened with rapt attention, smiling and laughing and gasping at Ron's stories, and not once did she let go of the photograph.

*******

Hermione sat at the kitchen table, remaining silent after Ron had finished his little speech.

He knew that what he was proposing was crazy. The plan he came up with within the last few hours contained everything they needed to do in order to adopt Valeria. From how they could manage their working hours over therapy possibilities to Muggle school options.

Still, he was well aware that this came out of the blue, even to himself. This would, without a doubt, change their lives forever. But when Ron had to leave for work that night, Valeria had reluctantly given the photograph of his family back to him. And right at that moment, something suddenly clicked into place.

All throughout his shift that night he had been thinking about his idea. Would Hermione agree? Would they be fit to care for this girl? Would Hugo and Rose be okay with this? And most of all, would Valeria even want to be a part of their family? But the idea cemented itself both inside his mind and heart.

“She's probably traumatized and needs professional help,” Hermione broke her silence.

“She's definitely traumatized. And yes.”

“She might not want to live with us. Maybe she wants to right now but later decide she doesn't want to anymore.”

“Yes.”

“We might not be fit to handle a traumatized child,” Hermione voiced his own concerns.

“Possibly.”

“She might become sad and angry about her not being able to do magic when she'll see it performed around her every day.”

Ron nodded. He thought about this too, wincing when he remembered how his family, him included, kept talking about their Squib relative from his Mum’s side.

“The adoption process is probably not that easy. I assume there’s a lot of paper work to go through and take care of. Maybe we can be her foster parents for a while before we adopt. Are foster parents a thing in the magical world?” Hermione frowned at the thought of bureaucracy making this harder for them.

Without giving Ron the chance to reply she kept talking, “The kids could not get along with her. Although I'm quite sure Hugo will stop at nothing to make her like him. And Rose will probably take her on broom rides and try to coax her into this book club her brother and all her cousins refuse to take part in. Would she be okay with Jeff? He can be very overwhelming sometimes, after all. Should we make Valeria and Rose share a room? Rose won't be home for-”

Ron cut her off with a sound kiss on her lips. Emotions threatened to overwhelm him as he cradled his wife's face between his hands and found that certain glint he loved lighting up in her dark eyes.

“So, we'll do it?”

Hermione stood up on her tiptoes, kissing the tip of Ron's nose. “Yes,” she said, “Ron, I think this is wonderful. This is scary and risky and unexpected but I really want to do this. I can’t wait to meet Valeria and ask her if she wants to live with us.”

“Brilliant,” Ron murmured as he showered her face with kisses, “Let's write the kids.”

*******

Hermione traced one of Ron's brain scars, letting her fingers glide over the skin of his right shoulder. Goosebumps appeared underneath her touch and for a smug second she marvelled about the effect she still had on him after over 20 years.

She lifted her head from his shoulder to look at him, “I love you!”

He gave her one of his lopsided smiles, his blue eyes sparkling with mischief, “I'm quite the catch, aren't I?”

Usually, she would join the banter, but not today. Today she needed him to know how brilliant he was.

“No, Ron, I mean it.” Soppy love declarations were never her forte but tonight she could not let it be with a simple I love you.

“I never thought I could love you more than I already did,” she said as her eyes flitted to the framed photograph on Ron's nightstand where younger versions of themselves smiled and waved into the camera as newlyweds,

“Today you proved me wrong, though. I have never loved you more than I do right now.”

#Hpfic #romione ficfest 2021 #Romione #Ron Weasley #Hermione Granger #Rated G #Ace Safe #cw: #cw: mentions of wartime

[dogbearinggifts]

What are your thoughts on tua S2? Did you feel like the characters grew? What did you like? What did you not? I’m interested in your perspective. Your analysis are super thoughtful and interesting!

Aw, thanks, Anon!

Overall, I really enjoyed S2 and thought it was a solid follow-up to S1. I do have my quibbles about it, so I think (for ease of reference and because my thoughts are a little scattered today) I’ll list some of my personal highlights (in no particular order) before getting into what I didn’t like as much.

Big spoilers ahead.

Allison. I thought they handled her storyline especially well. Of all the siblings, I think she had the most difficult obstacles placed in her way (not only is she a Black woman landing in 1961 Dallas, but she’s a Black woman landing in 1961 Dallas who can’t even speak in her own defense for a year) and they sugarcoated exactly none of it. The writers pulled no punches when showing what civil rights protesters went through, which just made their nonviolent response all the more breathtaking. Allison’s fear and anger during those scenes were palpable even as she kept them hidden. But along with that horror, we see the kindness and warmth of the Dallas Black community, the women who take her in simply because she needs their help, and her love for Ray, perhaps heretofore THE most thoughtful husband ever portrayed on screen. I loved him, and I loved him and Allison together. While I understand and respect his choice to stay in 1963, I wish they’d gotten more time together. They both deserved it.

Vanya. We got to see how much the baggage from her past affected her by glimpsing what she might be like if it were taken away. It’s an interesting philosophical question, and it was explored well, in my opinion. She finds it easier to love and be loved, and she stands up for herself more readily—but she also doesn’t hesitate to use powers she can’t quite control and threatens Five without fully realizing how dire her threat is (or how it might dredge up traumatic memories she doesn’t know exist). The moment where Ben finds her curled up, fully convinced she’s a monster, was heartbreaking. I loved watching her find happiness with Sissy, even if that was fleeting (and dear god, Sissy deserved her happy ending with Vanya, dammit, I don’t care if it would fuck up the timeline). Her patience and sweetness with Harlan were just beautiful. And the way she used the confidence she gained during her amnesia to fully come into her own not to exact revenge on her siblings, but to save them, was fucking phenomenal.

The humor. There was a lot more humor this season, and it was awesome. So many iconic scenes—Olga Foroga, Luther babysitting two homicidal Fives, Elliot awkwardly lecturing his guests on the history of Jello, “NEW TIMELINE NEW ME,” “Your vagina needs glasses,” AJ the fish gobbling up the cigarette bubbles, Five getting to say “fuck”….this season was a lot funnier than the previous one, and I think that was one of its strengths.

Klaus’ cult. It was played for laughs, which I both expected and thought was the best way to handle it. He didn’t want to start a new religion with himself at the center; he just wanted to not get thrown out of any more diners, but Destiny’s Children had other ideas. The “I too am a fraud!” scene was hilarious and tickled the question of whether or not a religion founded on false pretenses can still help those within it find meaning.

Luther. Getting him away from his dad, his siblings, and the Academy was exactly what he needed to become the pure of heart and dumb of ass genius we always knew he was, but his first major step in that direction was heartbreaking. We all knew he’d be rejected once he got to the Academy. We all knew Reginald would rip his heart out and stomp on it in his admittedly fashionable shoes. It gets Luther out on his own and forces him to become his own person apart from his dad, but that doesn’t make it any easier to watch. He got the positive character development he needed, but the catalyst was tragic.

Diego. We see, for the first time, exactly how Reginald kept him in line—not with meds or with PTSD-inducing torture, but with words. Even when he knows Diego as little more than a stranger, Reginald is able to rip off his skin and fling it in his face with a single diatribe; and even at 30, with years away from his dad, Diego is left unable to speak, feeling as if all of his accomplishments up to that point were the work of a dumb kid who thought he was smarter and more capable than he actually was.

Luther and Diego sharing a braincell. Luther has bad ideas. Diego has bad ideas. When they put their bad ideas together, they get terrible ideas. I loved watching them work together as a team, rather than being at each others’ throats for most of the season, even if I’m left hoping Olga Foroga had a pleasant and quiet day after that phone call.

Reginald. At first glance, it may look like the writers were trying to make him likable so they could parade him around as your average abusive-parent-with-a-soft-side. But it’s more nuanced than that. Abusive parents (and abusers in general) often fly under the radar because they fool outsiders into thinking they’re good people. They’re active in their communities. They give to charity. They have friends who attest to their virtue, significant others who think they’re the greatest. And that’s what we see with Reginald. We see him as the rest of the world did: an intelligent, eccentric man with a sharp sense of humor who cared deeply about scientific advancement. That’s how he evaded suspicion—because there were stories from years past of lively parties at his mansion, of what a gentleman he was to Grace and of how he did everything he could to save little Pogo. But those stories would all have come from people he considered his equals. When he’s with people he considers his inferiors—aka, the Umbrella kids—he’s openly condescending and demeaning. We get to see how he fooled the world, and it is chilling.

Elliot. He deserved better, and you can ship him with any one of the Hargreeves kids and get the cutest thing ever. 

The Swedes. They said so much while speaking very little.

Ben. He got more personality and screen time, and it was glorious. His love of his family and resentment toward Klaus practically leapt off the screen. The way he says “I’ve missed you all…so much” once they’ve all left was one of those right-in-the-feels moments; and watching him get so much of what he’s wanted for years when he possesses Klaus was beautiful.

Now, as for things I took issue with….

Ben. I understand why they ended his arc the way they did. I get that they were probably afraid the Klaus/Ben dynamic would grow stale if they didn’t change it somehow and wanted to give him a larger role in S3. His death(???) was heartbreaking and extremely well-done. But it also wasn’t foreshadowed. We never got any sense of what ghosts in the TUA ‘verse are, so the fact they can be destroyed by a ton of sound-turned-energy or by going too far into someone’s psyche or whatever happened….it’s not that it doesn’t make sense so much as there’s not enough evidence to determine whether or not it makes sense. It feels like the writers just kinda made that up so they’d have a reason to change Ben’s relationship dynamics, but if that’s the case, couldn’t they have done it another way? Couldn’t they have made it so the immense energy or psychic woo-woo or whatever gave him a power-up instead of destroying him? Vanya transferred some of her energy into Harlan and brought him back to life. Couldn’t something similar have happened with Ben? And if it tied him to Vanya as well as to Klaus, great! More fodder for angst and humor! (”Vannyyyyyyyy, stop hogging Ben!” “You got him for 17 years, Klaus, you can part with him for 20 minutes.” “Guys, don’t I get a say in this?”) I’m glad they didn’t write him out of the series entirely, but I still wish they’d kept him and all the character development he’d gotten throughout S2.

Episode 10. It looks like they tried to cram half a season’s worth of developments into 45 minutes. Twenty minutes in, I’d already said “Wait what the fuck” half a dozen times. A lot of those moments were explained later on, and I was able to make enough inferences to fill in any lingering plot holes, but…still. Too much stuff, too little time. E9 was a perfectly satisfying ending to the season. Yes, it leaves the siblings stranded in 1963, but they could’ve tied up those loose ends in the S3 premiere.

Lila. She’s an incredibly fun character, but her arc is kind of a mess. Most of that is due to E10, and I do feel that more time to let her arc breathe would’ve worked wonders, but I’m left feeling like her turn from “Handler is the best mom ever and I lurve Diego too” to “KILL DIEGO AND HIS EVIL FAMILY” to “Handler is a bad mom and Diego is right” happened too quickly.

The Commission. Okay, so, the Handler announces the entire Board has been killed, and she’s stepping in as director even though everyone appears to know she’s been demoted (and demoted pretty severely—she went from having an office bigger than some apartments to being a case management drone). There’s suspicion and lots of it. But then, La Resistance is….ten or so people in a single room? And when she calls the temps agents to her side, thousands of them show up ready and willing to fight and die? I dunno. Just seems like there should’ve been more splintering going on there. Again, I think they needed more time to tie everything up.

Aside from those complaints, I loved the season. I set aside most of a day to binge it, and I do not regret that decision at all.

#the umbrella academy season 2 spoilers #tua s2 spoilers #umbrella academy season 2 spoilers #The Umbrella Academy #Umbrella Academy #tua #luther hargreeves #Diego hargreeves #allison hargreeves #klaus hargreeves #five hargreeves #ben hargreeves #vanya hargreeves #reginald hargreeves #grace #pogo #number one #number two #number three #number four #number five #number six #number seven #anon #answered

[imaginedisish]

Devil’s Advocate (Tenet) Neil x Reader

Chapter 1: Paper Planes

A/N: Hey guys!! Here is the first chapter of the fic, “Devil’s Advocate”!!! I’m excited about this, and writing it is getting me through a lot right now, so I hope you all enjoy it too! Here ya go :)

Summary: After a traumatic experience, you are forced back into the field with Neil, but the mission is personal and possibly too close for home for you to handle. Neil helps you through it, but you’re not sure if you can get the job done.

Warnings: Violence, guns, death, drowning, injuries, angst, cursing, and yes, luckily some fluff :)

Word Count: 4,405

The weight of your cold, dark black glock settles heavily into your right hand as you pick it up off the table to your left. You secure a pair of noise cancelling headphones around the top of your head. You load the gun and cock it. 

The headphones blast with music, helping you to concentrate on the man-shaped target in front of you.

Everyone’s a winner, we’re making our fame.

Bonafide hustler making my name.

 You extend your gun out in front of you as you shut your left eye tightly to aim. 

All I wanna do is…

BANG BANG BANG BANG 

And uh, and take your money. 

You lower the gun as the target pushes forward towards you. You can’t help but smile confidently as you look at the deep hole you made in center of the paper man. You reach to take it down, but a warm hand grabs onto your shoulder, squeezing you tightly, freezing you in place.

The hand twists your body slightly, just enough to make you turn around. You reach up to the top of your head and slip your off headphones, letting them rest around your neck. 

A charming, wild grin pulls at Neil’s lips as his gaze meets yours. “That was bloody incredible!” He shouts. There’s a bright flash of excitement in his eyes. His hands gesture towards the hole you made in the wall. You had aimed perfectly, shooting in the exact same spot each time you pulled the trigger. 

“Thanks,” You say back as your cheeks flush with heat despite the boost of confidence rushing through your veins from Neil’s praise. A compliment from Neil means a lot to you, even though you’ve known him for years. He was your closest friend and made sure to tell you the truth, even when it hurt. That honesty grounded you in the chaos of your life. He was a constant, a steadfast star in your sky. 

Neil chuckles a bit as his eyes look down to the headphones hanging around your neck. You don’t hear how loud your music still is. Your mind is too focused on the sound of Neil’s laugh. 

M.I.A Third World Democracy

Yeah I got more records than the KGB

So uh, no funny business!

“A bit loud, isn’t it?” Neil laughs again as he steps closer to you. He brings his hands to the back of your neck, his fingers brushing lightly against your skin as he grabs the headphones and slips them off of you. 

That smile, You think before mentally slapping yourself across the face. Snap the fuck out of it. 

Your feelings for him were always at the back of your throat, clawing for supremacy, climbing up to the tip of your tongue, threatening to force your mouth open to spill your guts. Somehow, even after all these years, you were able to hold back. Maybe it was because you didn’t need more than what you had with him. That was an absolute lie. Maybe it was because he never belonged to anyone else. There was no need to be jealous. Maybe it was because there was a certain, silent promise of belonging to each other despite the lack of an official relationship.

That was more like it. 

Neil puts the headphones back on the table as the next song plays. The absurdly loud riff of the guitar pulls you back into reality. 

Fell in love with a girl,

I fell in love once and I almost completely.

She’s in love with the world

But sometimes these feelings can be so misleading. 

Blushing again, you reach into your pocket and pull out your phone to press the pause button. The music stops and you smile shyly. A creeping sense of embarrassment crawls into your stomach. You were beyond happy that Neil was able to see you in your element, and usually his presence made you feel good, but his attention was overwhelming at times. Now, the confidence that settled in before had been sucked from your soul and replaced with a racing heart and a cluttered mind. 

You push thoughts of Neil to the back of your head. “So what’s up?” You ask, setting the gun on the table next to your headphones. You casually slip your hands into the pockets of your baggy jeans. You mentally acknowledge that you may be overdoing the whole ‘playing it cool’ thing in front of Neil, possibly even to the point that he might be able to see straight through your act. 

“Well,” Neil pauses. His hand moves to the back of his neck. “I’ve got some news,” Neil says finally, his smirk falling from his lips. Your heart skips a beat. He looks unbelievably nervous. His brows furrow cautiously, knowing his next words are going to achieve some sort of poor reaction from you. 

You gulp anxiously and nod. “W-what is it?” You stutter as you predict the words Neil is about to say. 

I can’t fucking do this, not yet. 

Neil steps closer to you and grabs your hand in his. The touch was familiar but still shocked you to your very core, your nerves tingly frantically under his fingers. 

Please don’t say it, please don’t fucking say it. 

Neil’s voice is quiet in anticipation of your panic. “The boss, he wants you back in the field…” Neil trails off, continuing on about something in London, something about him going with you. You feel your chest tightening. You’re not listening anymore. You’re too focused on what happened last time, too focused on the trauma, too focused on the tears, the shouts, the deaths. 

“NO!” You scream, your long, HDM hung heavily in your hand. The lifeless body of a new recruit crashes to the floor. 

You raise up your arm and cock the gun. You’re ready to aim and shoot, but two large men grab your hands. Your gun falls to the ground with a clatter. 

The man with the dark hair cackles cacophonously. He shakes his head, his piercing emerald eyes dissolving your soul as he picks a new body to hold roughly in his arms. A revolver presses tightly against the person’s head. You can’t tell exactly who it is, as there’s a burlap sack covering their face. There are 8 other people in a semi circle, each appearing the same as the last, tied up in a chair with a burlap sack hiding their identity. 

“What?” He shouted barbarically, his voice echoing against the silver, metal walls of the chamber. “You think your fucking screams can get you out of this?” He grinned maliciously, licking his lips as he cocked the gun. Tears roll down your cheeks. 

You are helpless. 

You are useless.

“(Y/N),” The voice of the person cries out, knowing that their fate is already sealed. It was a woman’s voice, and you felt a bit guilty as you prayed to God that it wasn’t Wheeler.

BANG! 

The lifeless body slumps into the chair. You whimper, stifling a sob in the back of your throat. 

The man with the dark hair moves onto his next victim. You struggle, trying to shake off the two men holding you back. You look around the room, searching for something, anything to get you out of this. 

The man’s face lights up with malignant excitement, sensing that his next kill would hurt you the most. 

Fuck, no no no no no, You think to yourself. You could recognize those stupid, posh little black dress shoes anywhere. You knew the curves of his body, the shape of his hands. Blood dripped down his neck from the cut on his forehead he had gotten earlier. 

Neil.

“Please,” You beg. “Don’t touch him. Just kill me instead.” 

The man with the dark hair only grins more widely now. “Darling,” He snarls. You cringe at his use of the nickname. Neil usually was the one to call you that. “Your begging only makes this more fun for me. In fact, it makes me want to kill you even less, just so you have to live with the image of everyone you care for dying in front of your very eyes for the rest of your life.” His cold words send shivers down your spine. 

He maneuvers differently around Neil, as he grabs the bottom of the burlap sack and removes it from his face. 

Neil’s blue gaze meets yours. You heart feels like it’s being stepped on as it sinks deeply to the bottom of your chest. You can barely breathe now. You huff, trying to keep your sanity, trying to find a way out of this fucking mess. 

“I figured you would want to watch the life drain from his pretty little face, (Y/N),” The man retorts. You shake your head violently. You look left to right, searching for some sort of weakness in the two large men that were keeping you in place. You notice a brace around the knee of the man on your right. 

Thank God for shorts, You think to yourself. 

The man with the dark hair raises the revolver to Neil’s right temple. 

“(Y/N),” Neil mutters. “I l-,”

Before Neil can get his last words out, you raise your right leg, bending it in and snapping it out at the back of the man’s knees, launching him forward. With your right hand now free, you sucker punch the man to your left square in the nose. You round house him in the stomach, sending him backwards. You grab your gun off the floor and aim it back to the man with the dark hair. 

The man chuckles evilly. “You shoot me, and I shoot him. It’s really as simple as that.” Your heart pounds in your chest. 

An idea suddenly dawns upon you. You shift subtly enough so that the man doesn’t catch on to your train of thought. The gun is already cocked, all you need to do is pull the trigger.

BANG! 

“Fuck!” The man cries out, stumbling forwards into the center of the semi circle as he releases Neil from his grasp. His gun falls to the floor. You turn away sharply at the realization that you blew his hand off. 

You run over to Neil first, quickly untying his hands and setting him free. He starts untying everyone else and you walk over the the man with the dark hair. You catch a quick glimpse of Wheeler, and sigh in relief that she’s safe. 

You breathe in hard and part your lips. “Don’t you dare ever fuck with me or my team again,” You pause, kicking the man in your ribs. There’s something extremely personal about your tone.  He grunts in response. “Now tell me where Edgar is keeping the weapons. And tell me where the fuck the lab is, you prick.” 

He chuckles, breathing shallowly. “Prick?” He pronounces the word articulately. “That’s no way to address your uncle.”

“Fucking answer my question ass hat!” You shout, aiming your gun at his head. With another swift kick to the stomach, he curls up in a ball, clutching at his core. You cock your gun again, ready to shoot. Neil rushes to your side, giving you a look that implored you to let him finish before you blew his brains out. 

“F-fine,” He stutters. “It’s in London.” He gives you a set of coordinates, and Neil takes them down. “I suppose I should tell your father that you’re calling him by his first name now, hm?” 

“No, you won’t be getting the chance to,” You say. 

You pull the trigger. 

BANG!

You hear someone in the distance calling your name. 

Two slender, toned arms wrap around your back, resting on your waist as they pull you into an embrace. The smell of Neil’s musky, cinnamon and citrus cologne heightens your senses and brings you back down to Earth. 

Your breathing slows down a good deal as you press your face into Neil’s chest. His right hand comes up to the nape of your neck, and he begins to rake his long fingers through your hair. 

“Are you alright, (Y/N)?” Neil whispers in your ear. 

You swallow roughly. “No,” You say without even needing to think. “I’m not ready yet. I can’t leave Headquarters yet. I’m just not ready.” You feel tears begin to swell in your eyes and you bite down on your lip, hoping to keep them at bay. It had only been a month since you had killed your own uncle. He was a piece of shit, but that didn’t make the situation much easier to deal with. 

It had only been a week since you watched two of your friends die. That part may have been the hardest for you to swallow. 

Neil shakes his head and breaks away from you bit, just enough to get a good look at you. “You’re ready, (Y/N).” His voice is calm and reassuring. “And unfortunately, you don’t have a choice. We have to leave for the airport in,” Neil pauses, checking his silver watch, “45 minutes.” 

“W-what?” You gasp. “Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” 

“I just found out a few minutes ago,” Neil admits. “If I knew earlier, I would’ve told you.”

You nod, believing him entirely. “So we’re going to London? To the coordinates?” You ask, looking up into Neil’s ocean eyes. You could feel yourself beginning to drown in them, just as you always were. 

Neil simply nods back. He rests a hand on the center of your chest, feeling your heartbeat quicken with anxiety. “It’s just going to be you and I for a few days, and then everyone else will join when we confront…” He doesn’t same his name. He doesn’t want to make you panic again. But you know exactly who he means. 

Your father. Your heart hammers in your chest at the thought of him. 

“It’ll be okay,” Neil’s comforting tone relaxes you a bit. “I won’t leave your side for a second,” He adds. You sigh audibly in relief. 

You let a single tear slide down your cheek. “Thank you,” You whisper. 

Neil pulls you into his chest again. “Anything for you,” Neil responds. You shudder at his words. Sometimes you could swear that he didn’t only see you as his best friend, but something more. 

You let the ideas ruminate and run freely in your mind for a few seconds before shooing them away like pesky little children. 

You take a step back, allowing a small space to fill between the two of you. “I guess I should go pack now.” 

Neil instinctively closes the gap again. You can tell  that he’s worried you’ll break down, and you hate it, but his support feels nice. “Do you want me to go with you? I’ve been told I’m good company.” He grins and sends a wink in your direction.

The corner of your mouth turns up a bit into a half smile, and you let out a small giggle. He always had a way of making you smile, of making you feel good. 

“Nah,” You say, smiling fully now. “I’ll be alright by myself.”

Neil nods and smiles back. “Alright. I’ll meet you in the lobby at two o’clock,” Neil says. His smile turns into a smug smirk, and he turns his back to you. His dress shoes tap against the floor as he walks away. 

“Make sure to bring that silk pajama set you wore that time we went undercover in Monte Carlo,” He calls finally, wagging his pointer finger in the air. “I liked it.” 

You felt heat rising in your cheeks at his words. You almost tripped over the completely flat ground as Neil’s chuckle echoed down the hallway. 

————

You clutched the handle of your suitcase in your hands. You let it dangle in front of your legs, nervously bouncing it with your knees every few seconds. Your eyes searched the lobby for a head of fluffy blonde hair, but it was nowhere to be seen. You glance up to the analog clock above the front door. 

1:59. You were early. You were always early, for everything. Being late made you too anxious. You never wanted to miss a beat. 

The clock ticked 45 more times, and you counted each second. Finally, the sound of dress shoes echoed from down the hall. You looked past the reception desk to see Neil carrying a leather duffle bag in his right hand, and a bottle of water in his left. 

He smiled, releasing your butterflies from their cage inside your stomach as he finally reached your side. You open your mouth to say something, but Neil cuts you off.

“Don’t try to tell me I’m late,” Neil remarks sardonically, his eyes drifting off of you and onto the analog clock. “You’re just always early.” His smirk tugs at your heart, and you can’t help but smirk back. 

“I wasn’t going to say you were late!” You playfully smack his arm with your hand. “I was just going to tell you to be earlier next time.” 

Neil grins and shakes his head. He brings his hand up to the small of your back and brushes lightly. Outside the front doors, underneath the awning, a sleek, jet black town car pulls up. You feel your breath hitch in your throat at the realization that it was time.

This was it. 

Neil looks to you. “Are you ready?” His voice is reserved, almost as if he was scared to ask the question in the first place. 

You nod once. “As ready as I’ll ever be, I guess.” You swallow your fear and let Neil guide you out the doors. He grabs your duffle bag out of your hand, and opens the already popped trunk, carefully placing the luggage inside. You go to open the door, but Neil beats you to it. 

“I can open doors you know,” You say sarcastically, glaring disapprovingly in his direction. 

Neil doesn’t seem to care. “A thank you would be nice, love,” Neil says, shooting a charming smile in your direction. His hand is still holding the door open for you. You step inside the car and look up at Neil. 

“Thank you Neil,” You say mockingly. Neil smiles slyly and closes the door. 

The car ride to the airport is relatively uneventful. Neil gave you the run down. He told you your cover, where you were staying, and the overall gist of the mission. 

“So we’re married?” You ask, making sure you had heard that part of the plan right and hadn’t dreamt it up from a fantasy.

Neil smiles and nods. “We’re newlyweds, traveling the world together one city at a time.”  There’s a whimsy in his voice, almost as if he’s telling a fairytale. You can’t help but chuckle a bit, despite the anxiety growing in your stomach. 

The car turns onto an exit ramp, and suddenly the airport is in plain sight. You shiver a bit, feeling the air around you growing colder and colder. You check the temperature gauge at the front of the car, and notice that he hasn’t changed at all. You wrap your arms around your chest, rubbing up and down along your body, hoping to warm up. 

Neil’s smile fades away as he furrows his brows in concern. He wraps his right arm around your shoulders. You jump at the sudden warmth. 

“Are you alright?” He asks as he brings his other arm up to wrap around you completely. 

Your anxiety is begging you to tell him no. “Yeah, I’ll be okay,” You lie. Neil doesn’t buy it, and rightfully so. 

Neil squeezes you tightly. “I know you’re not okay, you don’t need to lie to me,” He whispers. “I’m here for you, and I’m not going anywhere.” 

Your eyes begin to well up, and a single tear rolls down your cheek. “Alright,” You sigh, wiping the tear away. You sniffle a bit, trying to clear your head in the process. The car rolls to a stop. “I’m ready whenever you are,” You say, trying to seem more confident than you actually were. 

You open the door and slip out. The chaos of the outside of the airport takes you aback, despite the fact you had been in an airport millions of times before. Neil steps out behind you, and goes over to the trunk. He takes the luggage out and steps towards to you. You stare up at the massive building, petrified to enter. 

Neil ticks his tongue on the roof of his mouth. “There’s not much time, (Y/N). We have to go inside now,” He says, his gaze staring into the side of your head. You refuse to meet his eyes, you’re too focused on the building, the mission, the future. 

After a few seconds, you nod to Neil and walk into the airport. You and Neil only have one duffle bag each, and thus you could skip checking in any bags. He guides you over to security, which happened to be a breeze. 

A short walk later, you approach the gate. There was a line of people waiting to enter, and you and Neil shuffled to the back of it. A few minutes later, a nice steward scanned your ticket. 

“Alright Mr. and Mrs. Ryan, you’ll be in row 2, seats A and B. Have a nice flight,” He smiles, and gestures for you to enter the bridge to the plane. 

Your heartbeat quickens as you take small steps. “N-Neil,” You stutter as you reach to center of the bridge. “I can’t do this. I really can’t do this. I mean it. I-I’m sorry I just can’t.” Panic is heavy in your voice. It feels as though the walls are closing in on you. 

Neil puts the luggage down and brings you to the side of the bridge. He pushes strands of your hair out of your eyes. “It’s going to be okay,” Neil reassures. “You can do this. I’m said I’m not going anywhere, and I meant that.” 

Neil picks the luggage back up, and guides you through the entrance of the plane and to your seat. You hesitantly sit down, quickly placing your hand on the armrest, wondering if there’s still time for you to run out of the door and back to headquarters. To your dismay, you watch the doors of the plane begin to shut. Neil wasn’t kidding before when he said there wasn’t much time. 

He stores the luggage in the overhead compartment, and takes his place next to you. He notices that you’re still shaking, and he places his hand on top of yours and brushes your skin lightly with his thumb. 

A comfortable silence rests gently between you and Neil as his hand remains on top of yours. Sometimes words aren’t necessary. You can get the idea of what someone means by their actions alone.

A few moments later, the captain makes an announcement, followed by a series of other voices sharing information. You're too wrapped up in your thoughts to pay attention to anything they have to say. Before you know it, the plane begins to move down the tarmac. It gains speed, and suddenly, you feel yourself being lifted in the air.

You shiver again, the anxiety becoming too much to handle. You try to ease into your seat in an attempt to calm down, but to no avail. You’re petrified and uncomfortable, a terrible duo of emotions to be faced with simultaneously.

Suddenly, you feel Neil’s warm hand leave yours. You watch in confusion as he lifts the armrest up, tucking it in between the seats. He lifts his arm, and wraps it around your shoulder, just like he had done in the car, and so many countless times before. You accept the invitation willingly, and snuggle into his side. 

Minutes later, you’re fast asleep in Neil’s arms. 

———

An evil chuckle echoes against the concrete and spreads down to the grassy beach below. “There’s no saving him now, (Y/N)!” A man shouts from the top of an overpass. 

You look down and watch as a familiar figure waves their arms frantically underwater, trying to swim up to the surface, but they can’t. There’s a brick tied around each of their angles. Their dirty blonde hair floats freely in the water as they continue to sink to the bottom.

“N-Neil!” You shout, trying to step forward to dive in after him. But your stuck, tied against a chair, guarded by two large men. “Please, please stop this!”

The man laughs, ignoring your pleas. “This is what you get, (Y/N). You’re worthless, and you fucking know it. Don’t you ever forget it, darling.” 

You shake side to side. The chair tumbles over and you fall into the dark, black, cold water. Your nerves are shot by the shock of the frigidness, and you can’t move. 

“Neil!” You gargle, left to watch as he sinks to the bottom of the lake. “Neil!”

“(Y/N)?”

“Neil!”

“(Y/N)?” 

Your eyes shoot open and you practically jump out of your seat. Your seatbelt pushes you down, keeping held tightly. You’re trembling. You can’t breathe at all. 

“(Y/N),” Neil repeats. “It was just a nightmare, you’re okay.” He wraps his arms around you, bringing you tightly into his chest. 

You bury your face into his white shirt, sobbing softly. His right hand reaches up to the nape of your neck, his fingers gently combing through your hair. 

“I’m so sorry,” Neil whispers, his voice filled with kindness. “I’m so, so sorry, love.” 

You whimper into his chest as pain explodes in your heart. “What am I going to do?” You mutter. 

“Don’t worry about that,” Neil says, his kind tone persisting in each word he utters. “I’ve got you, it’ll be okay.”

It needed to be okay. You needed to be okay. You couldn’t risk any fuck ups, not this time. This was real. This was life or death. 

This was the end of the world. 

Or at least it could be. 

“I’m going to fucking kill him for what he’s done to you,” Neil states, the kindness in his voice is replaced with anger and frustration. “I’m going to kill Edgar, I swear.” 

You shake your head against his chest. “No…

“Leave that part up to me.”

>>> Chapter 2

#neil x reader #neil tenet x reader #tenet neil x reader #tenet neil #neil tenet #tenet #tenet fanfiction #tenet imagine #neil x reader tenet #tenet reader insert #neil tenet fluff #neil #neil imagine #neil fanfiction #neil tenet imagine #neil tenet fanfiction #robert pattinson #robert pattinson x reader #robert pattinson imagine #robert pattinson fanfiction #robert pattinson fanfic #tenet fanfic #neil x reader fanfic #neil tenet x reader fanfic #neil x reader tenet imagine #neil x reader tenet fanfiction #fluff #neil x reader fluff #robert pattinson fluff

[robininthelabyrinth]

Prompt: Baxia and NHS.

Author’s note: this fic ended up having virtually no NHS, sorry

-

“This isn’t right,” Wei Wuxian said. “This isn’t how it should go – you’re not even supposed to be here!”

Nie Mingjue huffed, resisting the urge to roll his eyes only because he needed them pinned on the murderous battlefield the Lotus Pier had become. “No one can predict the future,” he said shortly, and stepped out into the hallway, Baxia lifted high, and another four Wen soldiers’ lives came to an end. “To think that you can is arrogance.”

“You don’t understand,” Wei Wuxian insisted, and honestly, if he hadn’t made himself extremely useful both as guide and back-up, Nie Mingjue would have sent him away long ago to spare himself the headache. “It’s not – you might die here.”

He sounded upset about that. It was flattering, given that they’d never spent any time together before now; he must be basing his impression entirely on Nie Mingjue’s reputation.

Flattered or not, Nie Mingjue still wasn’t very impressed right now. “That’s a risk you take when you fight, yes. Don’t blame yourself – there was no way to predict when the Wens were going to attack, or where; they could have just as easily have come to Qinghe.”

“They wouldn’t have been able to get close,” Wei Wuxian muttered, and that was flattering, too. “It’s just – it’s too early. We should have had another few months!”

Nie Mingjue wasn’t aware the Jiang sect had been taking the threat of Wen aggression so seriously that they’d been making estimates, but it was all for the best. 

Maybe it would help them in the war to come.

“Anyone who says they can see the future is being lied to,” he said. “Man plans and the Heavens overturn; that is the way of things. Anyway, you’re not wrong: it probably would have been later, should have been later, but they were robbed of their victory at the Cloud Recesses. There’s no satisfaction in burning empty buildings with all the treasures and people gone, no victory in it – it’s no wonder they accelerated.”

Wei Wuxian looked stricken by the thought.

“Cheer up,” Nie Mingjue said. “The Jiang sect will survive. That will be bad news for the Wens.”

Jiang Fengmian might be mild-mannered to the point of weakness, but he was an excellent cultivator, and of course Madame Yu’s fearsome reputation had been well earned. After this, they would have no choice but to be on the front lines.

“But you might not,” Wei Wuxian said again.

“A worthwhile trade,” Nie Mingjue said, and shrugged when Wei Wuxian gawked at him. “Haven’t you noticed that they’re following us? Dozens if not hundreds of Jiang sect cultivators that might otherwise have been put to the sword will be able to escape, and between all those lives and one, even my own, which one do you think will be more useful in winning the war?”

“You,” Wei Wuxian said. “You and your Nie sect, holding down Heijan like an iron wall for the Wen sect to waste its strength against.”

Was Wei Wuxian a fan?

Bizarre.

“I appreciate your confidence in my necessity,” he said, and ducked into another small nook when a group of Wen soldiers too large to easily handle ran by. The momentary rest was welcome. “And if it makes you feel better, they’re not aiming to kill me.”

“They’re not?” Wei Wuxian asked, appearing like a ghost in front of one of the sentries to slit his throat. He was surprisingly adept in the arts of warring in confined spaces, the ambush and the merciless kill; it almost made one wonder what purpose the Jiang sect had for him.

“With these numbers, if they wanted us dead, we’d be dead,” Nie Mingjue said. They’d lasted a good while longer than he’d expected, actually, a tribute to Wei Wuxian knowing how to get through the Lotus Pier in a thousand unexpected ways and their united strength, but even that was flagging: he had cuts and bruises in a hundred places, some more critical than others, and Wei Wuxian for all his pointless complaining wasn’t doing that great either. Perhaps his nattering was his way of distracting himself from their imminent fate. “I’ve humiliated Wen Xu before. Wen Chao wouldn’t be able to resist the thought of capturing me – and when he does, it’ll be the Core-Melting Hand.”

A sharp intake of air.

“Are you sure? I can understanding wanting to take you prisoner, but…”

“If he doesn’t think of it himself, I’ll make sure he does,” Nie Mingjue said, and ignored how Baxia grew warm with rage in his hand. He flipped back his sleeve and dipping his fingers into the blood seeping out of wound in his chest – an arrow that had come too close – and began drawing on his right hand with his left. “There are worse fates out there.”

“But –”

“Normal people die faster,” Nie Mingjue said, choosing the least traumatic of the possible reasons. Wei Wuxian was young; he didn’t need to know the worst of Wen Ruohan’s wretchedness. Nie Mingjue’s cultivation was too high and too compatible with Wen Ruohan’s own: his fate, if he were to go to the Nightless City intact, would not be so easy as death. He was counting on Wen Chao not knowing anything about his father’s most vile preferences, or possibly just being too stupid to think about them. “That’ll be an advantage. But more importantly, losing my cultivation renders me immediately ineligible to be Sect Leader, and my value as a hostage will be significantly reduced.”

Wei Wuxian looked shaken by Nie Mingjue’s practicality. He shook his head, trying to clear it, and then focused again, this time on the bloody array making its way up Nie Mingjue’s arm to the elbow and down to the backs of his fingers. “What are you doing?”

“A legacy,” Nie Mingjue said, even as Baxia screamed in his mind like metal scraping against stone. “For my brother. He’ll need all the help he can get…speaking of which, it’s time for you to go.”

“What?”

“The Wen sect isn’t looking for you, however much you irritated Wen Chao,” Nie Mingjue said. “It’s always been my plan to ensure you got away clearly before I was captured – and it’s nearly time, now. No man can fight an army alone.”

His body burned, exhausted and worn out from the hours of fighting; he’d done as much as he could, and everything else left in him was for Huaisang, who deserved better than to be made Sect Leader too young the way Nie Mingjue had. He had hoped to spare him that, but if he couldn’t do that much – he could at least do this one thing.

This one terrible thing, forbidden by his ancestors, abominable anathema – but there was little Nie Mingjue would not do for his brother, and he had faith even if he had no hope.  

Baxia was fighting him over it, resistant and rebellious in a way she hadn’t been since the first time he’d mastered her – the first time he imposed his will on hers, making the inexorable bend before him. They had been partners after that, and that was how he preferred it; but in the end he was the master, as it had to be, and she could not stop him.

“You should go,” he said again to Wei Wuxian. “If you get caught, what’s the point?”

Wei Wuxian’s hands were shaking, but he nodded. “I’m sorry,” he said, as if he were responsible for this somehow. “Thank you.”

And then he was gone.

What a ridiculous young man.

Baxia was biting him, causing his palm to bleed, trying to mess up his design – urging him to fight instead, to fight kill slaughter a way out, any way out.

“I’ll try,” he yielded enough to promise her. He needed to stay on her good side, after all; the array wouldn’t work without her. “I’ll give it a try, with all my strength.”

He did.

It wasn’t enough.

No man can fight an army.

In the end, he’s forced down on his knees, as he’d expected, Wen Chao standing in front of him at a more-than-sufficient distance as if he was afraid Nie Mingjue would leap up and stab him even with four people and suppression array fierce enough to bring down a ghost general holding him down.

He was probably right.

“You’re a coward,” he told him, and Wen Chao laughed nervously. “A coward, and a fool.”

“Well, he caught you, didn’t he?” Wang Lingjiao snapped, her voice shrill with nervousness, and a single glare was enough to have her cowering backwards. “He did! Wen-er-gongzi, you’re a hero!”

No one believed her, not even Wen Chao, but with an effort he puffed himself up anyway. “You shouldn’t have stood against my Wen sect,” he said, aiming for lofty and mostly coming off as cheap. “This is a just punishment.”

The Wen sect would paint the ground blue and the sky green if it got them what they wanted, and Nie Mingjue snorted in disgust, closing his eyes for a moment to find the trigger for the array painted onto his saber arm.

It burned.

Baxia, kicked across the room to get her away from him, seethed. Still not assuaged, still unhappy, still rebellious – but he did try to escape. It wasn’t his fault that he was only human.

It burned.

“Wen Zhuliu,” Wen Chao ordered, as Nie Mingjue knew that he would. “Let’s see how the esteemed Sect Leader Nie likes it when there’s nothing left of his oh-so-great cultivation. When he’s nothing.”

It burned.

Nie Mingjue smiled through the pain, baring his teeth at the cautious approach of Wen Zhuliu. “No matter what I am,” he said, “I am enough to terrify your nightmares.”

“Not for long,” Wen Chao shouted, which was admission enough. “Wen Zhuliu! Do it!”

Nie Mingjue’s cultivation was usually like a mighty river, rushing through his veins – to feel it spill out of order, pouring out of his body and into the array in his arm, was painful to the extreme, like bleeding out but worse. But it had been long enough, he had distracted them long enough.

Nie Mingjue hoped that it would be enough. 

By the time Wen Zhuliu put his hand on his shoulder, reaching down for his dantian, the river had become little more than a trickle.

Wen Zhuliu’s stone face cracked in two.

“What? What is it?” Wen Chao demanded, realizing something was wrong from the look on his retainer’s face. “What did the bastard do?!”

“I don’t know,” Wen Zhuliu said slowly. “But – his cultivation. There’s almost nothing left of it, and his meridians are all burned and twisted…his golden core is faint enough to be almost hollow.”

“That’s impossible,” Wen Chao scoffed. “Everyone knows how powerful Sect Leader Nie is! Even my father…what did he do? How did he – why did he –?”

He stopped, shook his head.

“It’s a trick,” he decided. “Do it anyway. I want to make sure there’s nothing left of him –”

There was a scream.

It sounded like metal against stone, harsh and ringing and shrill; it sounded like rage.

It sounded like hope.

Nie Mingjue smiled, a real smile his time, and shut his eyes.

Everyone else in the room turned to look.

It was the last mistake they made.

Nie Mingjue only opened his eyes again when a hand landed on his shoulder and fiercely shook him as if he were a disobedient kitten, and when he opened his eyes there was a woman glaring death down at him. She was tall, her features more fierce than beautiful, and she was dressed only in blood and guts.

“I knew you’d be lovely,” he said.

She smacked him in the face, hard enough that his head was ringing, and snarled wordlessly at him. There was nothing but rage in her face, in her eyes; the array he had used to give her every ounce of the cultivation he had built up for years, and most of his life-force besides, was forbidden for a reason – it would unleash something terrible into the world.

Something that knew no restraint, no mercy, only the desire to kill –

Well, in theory.

A small smack on the head was very much the least that Baxia could do.

“You’ll take care of Huaisang, won’t you?” he asked her, the remnants of his qi lurching unsteadily within him; he would have a qi deviation sooner rather than later as his body attempted to cultivate at its usual rate with virtually none of the spiritual energy required to do so, and his family did not have a good track record of surviving those – though he’ll be the first of his line to die from exhaustion rather than rage. “He’ll need someone strong by his side, to do for him what needs to be done…to tell him what evil is, in case he can’t figure it out on his own.”

“I don’t think that’s a problem Nie Huaisang has, actually; you’d be surprised,” said Wei Wuxian, who Nie Mingjue had entirely forgotten about, the sound of his voice a sudden shock of surprise.

He jumping down from some rafter where he’d been hiding – planning some sort of insane rescue, perhaps, or maybe just trying to bear witness. He had a flute clutched in his hands, of all things; Nie Mingjue hadn’t even known that he cultivated with music as well as the sword.

“Also,” he added conversationally, “what the fuck was that.”

Baxia hissed at him, a sound like the slow slide of a saber out of its sheath.

Wei Wuxian wisely took several large steps back.

“Sect Leader Nie,” he said, voice suddenly much more polite. “Forgive me my surprise, but – your saber just cultivated into a guai.”

“I wasn’t expecting her to get there this quickly,” Nie Mingjue said, nodding. “I’d been counting on them taking her back to the Nightless City…”

“Where she’d be able to use the resentful energy to cultivate into a guai, and therefore act as a weapon against the Wen from the inside,” Wei Wuxian said, nodding. He was really very clever, figuring out that Nie sect sabers could use resentful energy like that, in a way humans could not. Or, well, should not. “Except she really, really wanted to kill everyone here before they hurt you, so she did it faster.”

Baxia hissed again.

“What?” Wei Wuxian said, lifting up his flute defensively. “Am I wrong?”

She jabbed a finger at Nie Mingjue, who swayed a bit from the sheer force of it even though she hadn’t put any spiritual energy into it. So much saber qi…! Guai were truly different from humans.

“I don’t know what you want – fuck. You look terrible, Chifeng-zun.”

“That would be the blood loss,” Nie Mingjue agreed. “Possibly the impending qi deviation. Hard to tell, really…what?” he asked, seeing the expression on Wei Wuxian’s face. “You didn’t think this type of array is something you’re supposed to survive, did you?”

“But you’re not angry!” Wei Wuxian exclaimed, already reaching out to start transferring spiritual energy into him. It wouldn’t be enough. “You’re not – you’re empty.”

Nie Mingjue nodded.

“You gave her everything you had…no wonder she was able to cultivate into humanity,” Wei Wuxian said, and there it was again, that ridiculous admiration. “Mistress Saber, is the only thing wrong with him the lack of qi?”

Baxia jerked her head. If Nie Mingjue lived as something other than a comatose vegetable, he’d have to teach her to properly talk, assuming that guai were capable of that. They weren’t like yao, which had once been animals or plants and familiar with the generalities of things such as eating or breathing; guai were formed from the non-living, and had never known such simple things as mere words.

He missed their connection.

If he had any qi left, he would be able to figure out what she was thinking behind that flat expressionless face that had not yet figured out how to convey anything other than rage.

If he wasn’t going to die, he’d get to see the terrible, wonderful things she would do at his little brother’s side – he’d have to be sect leader now, yes, but he wouldn’t need to change himself, contort himself into something he wasn’t, to have the strength to hold it.

He would have liked to have seen it.

“Chifeng-zun? I know something that might help stop the bleed of your qi. But it’s…unorthodox.”

Nie Mingjue waved a hand, consenting; the alternative was death, so why not?

Wei Wuxian lifted his flute to his lips and began to play.

-

Much later, Nie Mingjue wakes up in the Unclean Realm, Nie Huaisang at his side and Baxia having apparently learned to properly scowl, and – yes.

No matter any of Wei Wuxian’s complaints, it was a worthwhile trade.

#mdzs #nie mingjue #wei wuxian #my fic #my fics #listen this was SUPPOSED to have more NHS #it just decided to go elsewhere #hamelin-born #worthwhile trade

[barbasbodaciousbeard]

When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.

Summary: From an abusive father to taunts at Harvard, Rafael Barba had worked hard to stop being emotional. Too often, it gave fodder and power to those around him. That’s why when someone truly loved him, he had to hurt them first. That said, ending a life changes you.

Pairings: Rafael Barba x OC

A/N: Just a little thing based on Hallelujah by Leonard Cohen

I did my best. It wasn't much. I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch. I've told the truth. I didn't come to fool you.

“Rafael?” 

“Rebecca,” he breathed, and he shouldn’t have been surprised she didn’t step aside to let him in. It was just before Christmas, and he was finally back in the city after the two years in Iowa. The nearly three years since seeing her. 

“Why are you here?”

“I needed to see you.” 

“You don’t get to come here like this.” Her arms were wrapped around herself, and she was crying now. He hated seeing the way her brow knitted together and her hands fisted the sleeves of her dress. That meant these were hurting tears. There wasn’t any reason for her to be happy to see him though. 

“I love you, Becca. I’m so stupid.”

“You don’t get to say that, Rafael. You left me. This is a mean joke.”

“It’s not a joke, mi corazón. I’m not cruel.”

He didn’t like this. He didn’t like the way his voice was cracking, thick, and desperate as he stood on her stoop. Ending a life will make you reevaluate a lot, even if you don’t think you did anything wrong. He’d never appreciated the way Rebecca had always described love to him, considering it as sacred as the crucifix above the door or mass they attended on Sundays. After seeing the love baby Drew’s mother had for him and for her husband, even after everything, he thought he could see it more. Religion was difficult for him; he believed, but he wasn’t sure yet that he believed in a benevolent God. Fifty was awfully late to e coming to that decision. Rafael’s relationship with paternal figures probably played into that. Still, he wore a cross against his heart, and he prayed often. But emotions? They made life messy and painful and complicated, and the hurt they caused him sometimes made him believe in the old testament God that was so full of rage and punishment. Still, he went to mass with mami and then Rebecca.

As a child, he’d fought to tamp them down to save himself from his father. The man was made of rage, and when his son expressed anything but gratitude, the older man would beat him down. In school, the other boys had made fun of him the few times the feelings broke through. If it weren’t for Alex and Eddie, he’d have had his ass kicked more times than he could count. For a little while, he’d been able to tell them how he felt. Los tres mosqueteros de Jerome Avenue gave him a defense and a camaraderie he didn’t have at home. He realized his openness about the situation at home and his feeling for people in their lives was given to the wrong person when he found Yelina in bed with Alex. His friend had known how in love Rafael was, how sure he was that upon graduation from Harvard he’d give Yelina abuelita’s ring. That’s when Rafael realized he couldn’t have feelings around anyone from home but mami and abuelita.

Then there was Harvard. He’d thought that once he left the Bronx, earned the scholarship he’d fought so hard for, he’d get the friendships other people seemed to have. Instead of acting as though the years seeing his father abuse himself and his mother, the torment from other boys, and betrayal from his friend didn’t bother him, there would be other people who fought as hard as he did to get there who he could forge emotional connections with. After Yelina, he found it hard to trust a romantic partner, but he also quickly had his illusions shattered as he realized no one at Harvard felt he belonged. He worked hard to temper the accent he didn’t know he had when a hushed whisper asked if he was even legal because he sounded too Cuban. A couple of times, he expressed his insecurities about his social status and background, but each time it became fodder for whatever the next competition was, so he replaced his jeans and sweatshirts with polo shirts and chinos and was careful to keep his accent as neutral as possible until he returned to the city. 

When he did, he found that he’d hidden down the emotional side of him sufficiently, only the smart mouth and snark that masked insecurity left. Rafael was conscious of his decision to ignore the trappings of love. In his experience, only two of the many people he’d loved, whether romantic or platonic, had not hurt him, and both were women related by blood. By the time he reached forty-five and met Rebecca, he’d replaced the love he’d always been desperate for with work and casual encounters with the men and women he met when working from bars.

Not since Yelina had he been so willing to follow someone to the ends of the Earth. He’d always craved love from his father, the friends he tried to make throughout school, and Yelina, the one person he was romantically interested in he ever let himself feel exposed around. Maybe it was because Rebecca was so raw, so unafraid of the way love could hurt. Where he’d carefully constructed a wall, unwilling to show his inner machinations to anyone, she cried openly and freely when they’d watched a documentary on Fred Rogers because she didn’t understand why people thought it was so hard to be kind. She was free like he couldn’t be, loving each stranger she met, even the ones most people found unlovable. It was probably what made her such a great teacher. He’d worked so hard to open himself up, to give her the same vulnerability, but he didn’t know how. 

Well, maybe there's a God above, but all I've ever learned from love was how to shoot somebody who outdrew you.

He knew how he could be, and Rafael Barba should have known better that to act off of his first instinct given his history. Outside of the perceived safety of his friendship with Alex and Eddie, he’d only told Yelina about his father and the way rejection from his peers had hurt him. They’d been together that first year at Harvard, with Yelina promising to wait for him. She even knew how he cried when his father left, the realization washing over him he’d never have a happy ending with the man. Yelina had been supportive, but also reminded him he needed to move on and become a successful attorney. Within months, he walked in on her with Alex.  When he told Rebecca the same things after a year, she’d held him close and dried the tears he eventually let fall as she peppered kisses to his hair. She thanked him for trusting her, told him how strong he was for talking about how he felt and called Yelina callous for not appreciating he could be so kind. 

Feelings don’t make you weak, Rafael. They make you strong.

Rafael was lucky she was as patient as she was. She’d told him with confidence that she loved him three months in. He couldn’t bring himself to say it back to her, a knot weighing his belly down as he explained to her he’d only said it once, and he didn’t want to again until he felt secure she’d stay. It made him feel as stunted as he was; years after Yelina and he’d never met anyone else he loved? Maybe if he’d given someone more than the one night. Then again, if he had he wouldn’t have Rebecca. Once he opened up to her, he slowly mentioned things to the Manhattan SVU squad and forged a friendship with Olivia. Things were going well until Rebecca started talking about Al, another teacher. They were going to lunch together. They were going to chaperone the field trip together. She just adored Al. 

The only thing Rafael Barba knew was that the last time he trusted someone, let them know all the scary parts and given them the power to hurt him, they had. It all came to a head in January of 2018. If he’d known how badly he’d need her soon, maybe he’d have been able to temper the fury and hurt that radiated off of him in waves. He wasn’t his father. He didn’t lash out physically or even raise his voice. Instead, as she got excited to tell him about the plans she’d made with Al to prep for the semester, he’d snapped, latent insecurity finally bubbling to the surface. His voice, to his credit, was calm, though his words aimed to hurt her before she inevitably found someone better and hurt him. Someone who wasn’t emotionally stunted and would cry at movies with her and didn’t take a year to say I love you. 

Just get a fuckin’ room already.

Raf, he’s my coworker. We’re friends.

You know exactly what he wants from you, and you want it too. 

What are you saying? I’m a slut or something? You know you’re it for me.

A spade’s a spade. 

The impact her hand made with his cheek stung, but the look on her face made him feel like the villain, which he supposed he was. He had to be for sweet, loving Rebecca to slap him. Her wide hazel eyes always sparkled, but they were suddenly dull and overflowed with tears. He’d never seen her hurt before, and he wanted to crawl into the sewers or walk off the tallest building in the city. Without a word, she’d taken her purse, dropped the glass she’d been holding, and marched out. From his window, he could see her cry as she talked on the phone. Probably Al. He left voicemail after voicemail, and wasn’t surprised when he found a three page letter underneath his door. Instead of a scathing rebuke, as he’d prayed for to make the loss hurt less, it was full of kindness. Promises that she loved him and wasn’t angry, but that she couldn’t do this. Apologies for slapping him because she knew that probably brought up traumatic memories. That if he’d get help learning to handle the swarm of feelings she’d come back to him, if that was an option. Al was just a friend. Hell, Al didn’t like women, but she understood how hard it must have been after Yelina. She knew it probably felt like the same thing was happening. Even after what he’d said, she loved him and knew he’d find happiness when he took care of himself. He couldn’t love anyone else until he loved himself enough to do that.

You say I took the name in vain. I don't even know the name, but if I did, well really, what's it to you?

Rafael Barba had spent so much of his time fighting his feelings, but he’d come to realize that love was sacred. It was the one thing that had the power to hurt and heal him, whether it was said with all the reverence he’d whispered it into Yelina’s hair, the adoration he’d said it to Rebecca, or the brokenness with which he’d  just said it as he stood in the snow on her stoop. He didn’t know that before, had bastardized something Rebecca viewed as so holy. She’d always made it apparent that while she thought all of her feelings were blessings, even when they gave someone the power to hurt her, she thought love was what could bring you the closest to God. It was, according to the verses from 1 Corinthians that he’d noticed were exceptionally dogeared in the bible she kept at the desk, patient and kind. It believes, hopes, and endures all things. He hoped she still believed the latter. When he thought back over his life, he realized the love he felt was easily angered and certainly did envy. It kept account of wrongs. All these things were so directly expressed as what love was not. 

But ending a life changed you.

Rafael had spent the years he’d been gone working on himself, as her letter had begged him to. Therapy helped, but so did his ruminations on the verse he knew she loved so much. He’d bastardized love, letting his jealousy and hurt tangle with it and pull it further from the holy feeling Rebecca always described and therefore further from the love God felt for his flock. Maybe God was good after all if love could make him feel that way one day, if it wasn’t too late. She felt jealousy, he knew. She wanted to keep scores and would start to want the things others had in their love, but she could step back. She’d write it out or talk it out and go back to being so implicitly loving. In his time rereading the lines he knew she loved, he found another that resonated for him:

When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 1 Corinthians 13:11

When he was young, he thought repressing his feelings made him a man. He now realized that repression was the childish act. He hadn’t been a man yet, wasn’t ready for a healthy love like the one she offered. Mami had heard him ramble on about it during one of the late night phone calls when he’d had too much whiskey too early in the evening. His therapist had made him acknowledge that he’d lashed out at her. The therapist had also made him remember she wasn’t perfect. Rebecca had her own shortcomings, but he found them beautiful because they were the extreme of what he craved. She cried so easily, and sometimes he was jealous of that. The inability to build any kind of defense, however, meant she was always at the brink of a come apart. Quick to feel the martyr, though he supposed she was. Maybe he could be a man now, put the jealousy away and be there for her, patient and kind.

“It’s been years, Rafael. I tried to call you when I learned what happened. You didn’t answer me.”

“The press and people who consider me a murderer got my number. I had to change it.”

“Still. You had mine. Just because you weren’t well doesn’t mean the responsibility is all mine for us to reunite.”

“I’m on your stoop my first time back in the city, aren’t I?”

“Why?”

“Because I love you.”

“Why am I supposed to believe you?”

“You aren’t, I guess.”

#rafael barba #rafael barba x oc #rafael Barba x reader #svu #law and order special victims unit #writing