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the-widow-sisters · 1 year

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I’m Lost Without You

Summary: Shuri burned the mourning garments to try to let go. The funny part is that despite how liberating the gesture was meant to be, she finds herself filled with nothing but regret and pain as thoughts of T'Challa endlessly plague her.

However, that evening on the beaches of Haiti, someone pays her a small visit.

Word Count: 2893

A/N: Whoo!!! I busted this one out after watching Wakanda Forever, and I honestly have no clue what I'm doing 🤣 I was emotionally compelled, so I rolled with it, lol. I have never written for these characters before (I wrote for Shuri like once but it was one or two lines in a bigger fic that was not centered on her). But I've never read nor written stuff for these characters, so hopefully it's not totally bad 🤣😂💖

Honestly, Shuri has lost so much. More than even Yelena in some ways (and that was a shocker for me) 🥺😭 And her and T'Challa's relationship was so touching and so sad for me. I hope I was able to do it justice 💞

I hope y'all enjoy! 💗💗💗

Warnings: Spoilers for Wakanda Forever.

Shuri felt her lips trembling as she looked at the ocean, trying her best not to look down at what was left of her mourning garments there in the smoldering fire that had gone out since earlier that day.

She had spent some time with little T’Challa, but she had not been able to fully shake the sense of grief that had been brought back tenfold from earlier that day. Therefore, she had ended up back on the beach that night after the boy and Nakia had gone to bed, barely containing her tears.

Strangely enough, Shuri found that she may have burnt the clothes of mourning, but she had not found the peace or release that her mother had spoken of. And she was having the hardest time even finding a sense of remotely okay.

“Why did you have to go? I needed you still. I need you now,” Shuri whispered softly, her knees digging into the sand as she closed her eyes tightly where she was kneeling. Her entire body was shaking with the raw pain wracking her frame.

“You were the good one. You were always good and right when I was not,” Shuri confessed to the night air around her, sobbing harshly as she felt the sand beneath her palms. The waves were rolling softly around her, and she felt as if her heart were being ripped out of her chest.

It was the first time that she had truly faced her grief for T’Challa and she despised the fact that it took their mother’s passing to do that, because now she had to suffer through the pain of two of the largest, most vital pieces of her heart being an empty hole.

She chose peace with Namor, but she had not even made peace with herself. She was alone, and she could not accept it. And in the end, the person that she had needed the most was gone. She loved her mother, but at the end of the day, it was her brother’s passing that she could not accept.

He was never coming back and she had been trying to avoid that fact— fighting it tooth, fang, and toenail— for too long. It was true, she could say it aloud. She felt that she was being stabbed every time she did, but saying it and shortly thereafter distracting herself was different than allowing herself to feel. To legitimately and deeply feel his loss.

In her lab, Shuri could lull herself into the false sense that she was simply in her domain, and he would come in at any moment with his big, far too easygoing smile and those ridiculous sandals that she hated. The ones that he thought were so regal and kingly and that she thought were the dumbest things she had seen in a while.

She took in a deep, shuddering breath, and she looked to the sky, addressing him even more directly or at least as directly as she could.

“You left me. You didn’t tell me. You kept it to yourself for so long, and when you asked me to save you, it was too late. Why did you have to do it that way? I could have helped if I had time,” she explained, nothing but desperation in her words as she felt her throat closing up.

“Didn’t you know you were my world? Didn’t you know that you meant everything to me?” Shuri pleaded aloud, knowing there would be no answer.

That was part of what hurt so much. There would be no answer to her words. She honestly did not know why she was talking aloud right now when she was wasting her breath. She had seen her ancestors and all she saw was her cousin, the last person she had wanted to speak to.

She had hoped to see him. He had forsaken her. She knew that her cousin was the best person that she could have seen given the direction that she had been frighteningly close to turning, but she had still hoped to see her brother.

He had been taken from her too soon and now she felt like the rug was pulled out from under her. She was completely alone now outside of little T’Challa, who she did not know at all outside of introductions.

Worst of all, she did not have the man who had made her feel safe. The man that had been her hero.

Her big brother.

“I’m lost without you, big brother. I am alone,” Shuri brokenly confessed to the warm night, a sob wracking through her as she bowed her head and crumpled in on herself.

She sobbed for what felt like an eternity, nothing but the sound of the waves accompanying her, but to her shock, she suddenly felt a familiar, strong yet soft hand on her shoulder.

“Why do you cry, little sister?” a voice replied, and Shuri swallowed as she raised her head quickly, turning to look behind her to where the source of the hand was.

There was her brother kneeling behind her, his warm, dark eyes watching her calmly and lovingly. He was wearing gorgeous robes fit for the king that he was, and she felt her entire being in utter shock.

“T’Challa? My… my brother,” Shuri barely managed to whisper before she threw herself upon him, her arms around his neck as she brought him into a suffocating embrace.

His arms lifted to hold her against him, and she sobbed into his shoulder as he brought his hand up to the back of her head, holding her securely and safely there. She took in a breath, the scent of home filling her as she shut her eyes tightly, grasping for better purchase as he held her. Her fingers were digging into his robes, but if it hurt him, he did not show any true evidence.

He was filled out and healthy like he was before, and he was strong. He was not the weakened husk of her brother that he had been at the time of his passing. He was there.

She reached her hands up, feeling his neck and head as she sobbed deeply and heartbrokenly. She was taking in the feel of him, remembering her hero as he kept her held safely where the grief and pain could not touch her.

“You are here,” Shuri managed to speak, tearstains on her face as the moisture wetted her cheeks and her brother’s clothes.

“I am,” he replied, and his voice sounded oddly heavy in the emotion just beneath the surface. Shuri furrowed her brow in slight confusion, her breaths shaking as she struggled to calm them.

“But I will not be here for long,” he confessed, and she pulled back to look at him. He had a gentle smile on his face, and he was looking at her with just as much adoration as he had in life, but she quickly came to the full realization that he was truly not there with her and that it was merely a dream.

After all, the atmosphere surrounding her was completely different. The waves falling upon the beach had subsided with the ocean turned into a lake, and gorgeous pink, blue, and purple lights were shining in the sky above. It was not real. He was a spirit.

“You’re not here,” she pointed out, withdrawing from him a little more. He let his arms fall away slowly from her, looking at her somewhat sadly.

“Not in body. But in spirit,” he expressed, and Shuri just looked at him sadly, feeling her heart ache as she looked away, moving back so that she was sitting on the sand next to him. He moved so that he was sitting down with her, and there was quiet between them.

“Why are you sad?” he asked, and Shuri let a somewhat bitter huff pass between her lips.

“Our mother is gone. You are gone. I have no one left that truly knows me. Is that not a reason to be sad?” Shuri asked, and he shook his head carefully.

“Death is not the end—"

“Everyone keeps saying that,” she interrupted quickly at the end of his statement, desperation and bitterness stifling her. He quieted, eyeing her as he considered her words.

“You are not completely alone.”

“Yes, you have a son that I never knew about,” Shuri pointed out, just looking at him for a long moment as she stared at him. She honestly was quite hurt about the fact that he had hidden it from her when their mother had known about it.

“I only told Mother because she had a right to know that there would be an heir,” T’Challa explained.

“And what about me? Did I not have a right to know that my big brother had a child? One that I could have spent time with and gotten to know? One that I have lost so much time with already?” Shuri pointed out, and he was quiet, looking down at the sand before redirecting his attentions to her.

“I’m sorry,” he apologized, nothing but remorse in his gaze, and Shuri met his eyes for a long moment before sighing deeply, looking away.

They remained quiet for a little while, the both of them just sitting together in one another’s company. Finally, Shuri spoke up, her voice rough with raw emotion.

“I am the Black Panther now. And I am completely lost without you,” Shuri confessed, her voice soft, and he was silent as he considered what she said.

“You have been making the right decisions. You are ready,” he assured her, and Shuri swallowed as she shook her head.

“I do not feel ready. I am not ready to take your mantle. I am not ready to be the Black Panther. I have never been. The Black Panther was you. Father bore the name, but it was you,” Shuri expressed, pain stabbing sharply within her. He eyed her with sympathy but also with a certain exhaustion and weight.

“Little sister… You are ready. You are prepared to handle this burden. I knew you would be before my passing,” he told her, and she clenched her teeth as she quickly stood up and walked a small distance away, looking out at the lake. She did not want to hear him discuss his own death.

He let out a sigh, and she felt her heart aching with pain as tears threatened to come back to her eyes.

“You have to do this without me,” T’Challa explained softly from where he was sitting on the sand behind her. Shuri instantly felt the emotions bubbling up in her chest and she clenched her teeth, turning around quickly.

“Without you?! How am I supposed to make it without you?! You were everything to me. You knew how to do all of this. You are gone! Father is gone, Mother is gone, and you are gone. And I am alone!” Shuri cried as she raised her voice, the sound of it pained and cracking as she grew increasingly distraught with the truth bearing harder and harder upon her.

T’Challa looked at her carefully before slowly getting up. Her chest was heaving with pained breaths, and she was trying her best to ignore the painful lump welling up in her throat. He approached her carefully, pausing just in front of her as he looked at her.

“Can you see the wind?” he questioned suddenly and the randomness of the question threw her off completely. She just gaped at him blankly.

“What?” she asked, utterly shocked. T’Challa smiled a little, his eyes glowing with a bit of mirth before he asked her again.

“Can you?” She paused, not sure what the correct answer was supposed to be since it felt like a trick question.

“Well, no…”

“But you feel it, yes?”

“I suppose,” she replied slowly, confusion thoroughly plaguing her, but she decided she would go along with it momentarily. T’Challa seemed to sense her lack of understanding, and he huffed softly before his dark, warm eyes met hers once again.

“Close your eyes,” he told her, and she stared at him for a moment, not sure what he was getting at. She looked away for a moment before closing her eyes with a deep sigh.

After a brief moment, she felt his hand on her shoulder, and she furrowed her brow.

“What do you feel?” he asked, and she cursed how her voice was wanting to leave her.

“You,” she managed to force out.

“You cannot see me?” he stated patiently in a manner that was more of a question, and she shook her head, not sure what he was trying to communicate.

“Just because you cannot see me, does not mean that I am not there. I will always be with you to guide you,” T’Challa assured her softly, and Shuri opened her eyes to look at him.

He was looking down at her with such confidence and love as he brought his other hand to touch her other shoulder, squeezing gently. Shuri stared back at him, feeling her heart squeeze painfully.

She slowly nodded, unable to do anything but numbly reply to him. She did not have much hope that he would be there, but something in her believed him, nevertheless. He never let her down in life, so why would he let her down now?

He smiled knowingly at her. Shuri let out a deep breath, bringing her hands up to grasp at his arms.

After a long moment of the both of them just existing in the same space, silence between them, she finally found her voice enough to speak up again.

“Why did you not tell me in time to save you?” Shuri asked, and he eyed her, a certain regret and softness in his eyes.

“I wanted to protect you from the pain,” T’Challa expressed, and she just eyed him wordlessly.

“I wanted to protect you from the pain,” Shuri echoed, the both of them having two different meanings but seeking the same effect. He nodded, understanding glowing in his gaze as nothing but kindness filled his features.

“It was not really bad until the last of it, and that was when I knew I needed to tell you,” he confessed to her, and she felt the tears threatening to come to her eyes yet again.

“If you would have only told me before… I could have saved you,” Shuri told him.

“That is unfortunately something we will both never know for sure,” he resignedly confessed, and she reluctantly nodded, hurting deep within despite knowing that it was the truth. Perhaps the fact that it was the truth was the part that hurt the most about it.

She squeezed his arms and he tightened his grip on her shoulders, leaning forward as their foreheads touched softly. She closed her eyes, reveling in the love that she felt from him despite the pain.

“You did the best you could despite my choices. Just,” he took in a deep, shaking breath, and she could not help but feel tears running down her face as she worked her jaw.

“Know that I will always be here. I will always believe in you. And I will always love you, little sister.”

Shuri swallowed hard, pain in her heart but also love as she tightened her grip even more, begging for just a few more moments of this respite from her reality where he would not be here holding her.

She knew this was their goodbye, but she wanted longer. Just five more minutes. Five more seconds.

Just more time.

But as it was, she would make the most of what shred of time she had left.

“I will always love you, big brother,” she whispered in reply, and he pushed his head into her just a little harder, her body shuddering with the pain and the tears running down her face. His hands softly came up to hold her neck gently, the both of them remaining there silently as his hands slowly faded away.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Shuri stirred awake, her eyes shooting open as she jerked a bit. She realized that the sunrise was falling upon her, and she raised up quickly, looking around her. She let out a breath of disappointment as she realized tears were running down her face. She swallowed hard, the waves rolling in the water as she felt the warmth of the sun descending upon her.

She swallowed hard, looking down as she shut her eyes tightly and drew in on herself.

However, to her absolute and utter shock, the wind suddenly blew oddly strongly against her back, almost knocking her over. Her eyes shot open and they widened a little, chills running through her as she felt something suspiciously warm against her shoulder.

She looked behind her, knowing what she would not see but nevertheless finding it necessary to confirm it to herself.

As she expected, there was not a person there, but she knew. She could feel it. Shuri took in a deep breath, looking out at the ocean before her as she mustered the barest of smiles.

“I feel your guiding hand, big brother. I… I won’t let you down,” Shuri whispered.

She could not see him, but he was there.

He always would be.

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