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dustedmagazine · 2 years

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Tha Retail Simps — Reverberant Scratch: 9 Shots in the Dark (Total Punk)

Reverberant Scratch: 9 Shots in tha Dark by THA RETAIL SIMPS

Thump, thump, thump, thump on the fours. Tha Retail Simps lead with the block-simplest of drumbeats, the fieriest, most elemental blasts of guitar, sax and bass. “Hit and Run” builds on the funk-soul foundation of Sam & Dave, The Kingsmen, the Woggles and, perhaps not incidentally, the Simps’ fellow Montrealeans in King Khan and the Shrines. From the snowy north, but firmly rooted in the juke joint south, Tha Retail Simps play excitable, inflammatory grooves that remain, nonetheless, firmly in the pocket. Consider, for instance, the body-swaying insistence of the aptly named “End Times Hip Shaker Parts 1 & 2.” It careens wildly, vocals flying every which way (and not always nailed to the right key), guitars flailing fuzzily, but the riff is solid enough to demand a shimmy, then another, then another.

Tha Retail Simps reconfigure an assortment of Montreal punk regulars. Joe Chamandy, of the wild blues-psych banshee wails, is involved in the zine/label/scene promoting outfit Celluloid Lunch. He also records as the one-man Itchy Self. Tom Molander is ex of the drone-y, feedback bending Feeling Figures and plays drums for the poppier, ye ye influenced Hélène Barbier. Chris Burns brought the psychobilly guitar licks to Terminal Sunglasses and American Devices — and does similar high-speed, high-intensity surf mayhem here. James Goddard of noisy, weirdo Skintone and jazz-experimental Egyptian Cotton Arkestra plays sax. All these elements meld with surprising coherence in Tha Retail Simps’ old-time-rnr-through-the-looking-glass onslaught. There’s enough spiraling spontaneity to keep you guessing, but also enough locked-in grooviness to keep you anchored in the here and now.

This is a band with a wild, goofy, not-to-everyone’s-taste sense of humor (see the video, for example, to “Rock ‘N Roll” or maybe don’t). That song, which amazingly doesn’t figure at all in the video of the same name, starts with the drawled-out couplet, “You can cry a river of tears, drown it in a river of beers,” which, linked to a swaggering, foot-stomping, blues-joint cadence, distills the Simps’ desperate hedonism to essentials. These are songs for a party where your house is on fire, but the band plays on, nonetheless.

Moody tripped out “Dozen a Dime” is the ringer here, with its slow-motion bongo beat, its rupturing guitar flares, its snarls and howls of verbiage. It’s the daylight sifting through blue smoke hazed interiors, the contemplative pause when the debauchery winds down, and in its way, elementally rock. Nine shots in the dark, and they all draw blood. All hail Tha Retail Simps.

Jennifer Kelly

#tha retail simps #reverberant scratch #9 shots in the dark #total punk #jennifer kelly #album review #dusted magazine #montreal #garage #punk #soul

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futuresandpasts · 2 years

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Next month in Portland: Retail Simps / Lavender Flu / Collate

More information here.

(four-color risograph print on paper, by me.)

#portland shows #risograph #collate #lavender flu #retail simps

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twoheaddeddog · 8 months

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#i love music that sounds like shit #garage #garage punk #retail simps #theee retail simps #Bandcamp

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kitsched · 1 year

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i think a lot about the couple that came into my retail job before covid obviously on a date and the girl asked me to make her anything as long as it was really sweet and she liked the drink I made her so much she wanted to tip me 20$. i hope that her and her boyfriend got married and they have a beautiful life together.

#that's how you treat retail workers and honestly that couple hasn't left my mind #i hope they have a beautiful life and got married #ooc tag: yeobie's ultimate simp.

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kvltklvb · 9 months

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#theee retail simps #live on cool street #garage punk #Bandcamp

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heartfullofleeches · 8 months

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loser catboy reader you say? I'll take your entire stock!

Loser Catboy reader who sees the popular of cutesy, soft streamers and sets up a camera to rake in the dough and finally replace that body pillow they clawed up during their last late night session browsing the internet with their doors locked. On stream they're just another adorable soft kitten, but in reality they're a greasy, sweaty mess that probably should have been neutered at some point. Nearly throws themself out the window everytime their chat calls them their sweet kitty and wants to call them things that'd definitely get them banned if their simps didn't come racing to defend them.

It's when they play a PVP game that their future nature is revealed as they hurl insults that'd make a middle school bully teary eyed at their options which they quickly apologize for, but their viewers love this side of them all the same. Everyone has their bad days, they assure - few willfully oblivious to the fact that this is they're everyday. The masochists of their viewers beg them to act like this more often and maybe direct a bit of their harsh language at them. Reader calls them all freaks while still happily getting off to nudes they send in

Yan Chat Member: You saved my life. Without you, I don't know if I could live another day. You're so beautiful and your fur looks so soft. If I could play with your tails I'd die a happy person. Mortal possessions mean nothing to me now, so please take all my money

Loser CatBoy, holding up their hands like paws: Thank you so much for your donation! I'm so glad I could may your day a little better, nya. Remember we're all routing for you, friend! Have a good night!

[Reader turns off the stream, rolling a blunt filled with weed and catnip]

Loser CatBoy: You haven't had to work retail topay your rent in two years, Y/n. Stay strong.

Yan Chat Member: Ahhh! Please stick your claws in me someday, kitten! ><

Loser Catboy: how bout I stick my cock in your mouth and pour my "milk" down your fuckin throat, loser-

...

Loser Catboy: Quit sending your fucking addresses in the chat.

Loser Catboy: How much would you guys pay me to jerk off on screen lol

Chat:

"My life savings."

"All of my vital organs and blood."

"Real question is how much would I have to pay for you to do it on my face."

"I'm outside your window."

Loser Catboy, getting hard over their desperation and already jerking off under the table: Fucking freaks-

#yandere #yandere x reader #yandere oc #yandere imagines #yandere headcanons #yandere scenarios #yandere insert #yandere blurb #yandere x you #amab reader #Catboy reader #yandere text #yandere drabble #hybrid reader

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ijustthinkhesneat · 1 month

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Respectfully speaking Dick Grayson is dragging a wagon.

Cut his head off because he is letting them eat cake.

I am tired of pretending that Dick being a 10 with a fatty has nothing to do with his appeal. If he had an up and down pole body y’all would not be simping so hard.

It’s like Jason Todd killing people because of his daddy issues. We love him because we all to some extent have those daddy issues. But we also love him because that man has the biggest tits in Gotham and thunder thighs that could pop melons and skulls alike.

Also put some respect on Duke and Steph’s names. They deserve some love from the untouched masses. A blonde baddie who works in retail and has a villain for a father statistically must be drowning in DMs that radiate a sticky aura.

Dukes parents basically got the Longbottom special and are crazy now. And guess what? Neville glowed up the hardest out of like the whole cast of the Harry Potter movies. Duke is serving Neville Longbottom, over looked and under appreciated but still carrying. He also essentially started a gang/cult and everyone knows only hot people can found a social movement.

Now Tim Drake has what I as a neurodivergent cockroach have dubbed; Autistic Rizz. Like yes he is intelligent and in good shape but the fundamentals of this man are lacking. He does not sleep, which is the same for all the above, he is mentally about an inch away from sending people anthrax in the mail and he likely dresses like a punk skater who got into flash dance and emerges from a dumpster every morning. This is all to say there is nothing conventionally appealing about this disaster, but he is still the rizzler. This is because his strangeness is endearing he’s an enigma and people want to know more. He’s a rude little goblin that you love to carry around.

Cassandra Cain is the Rizz Master for the opposite reason. She takes care of herself, knows how to dress and lives a mess free life. She also dresses like a ninja. Call her Rizzy McGuire.

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pappydaddy · 1 year

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when i'm eighty (j.m.)

tv show/movie: outer banks | pairing: jj maybank x fem!pogue!reader

requested by a lovely anon as part of my 800 follower celebration

synopsis: y/n is exhausted and jj neglected the bike's gas tank. who knew it would lead to such a proclamation.

warnings: tears (exhausted) | karen situation mentioned | the lovely realities of a retail job

navigation | masterlist | taglist sign-up

- not my gif -

Sure, Pogue life was fun and relatively carefree, and Y/N wouldn’t trade her life for anything, but it did have its downfalls. Like when you see something you really like and you pick up extra shifts and work your ass off for it, but a Kook just has to ask their parents for it and boom - they have one they barely use or care for. Or when you accidentally spend too much money grocery shopping so now you have to pinch your pennies until next pay in two weeks. Or, like for Y/N right now, you have to work all day, every day because your crappy minimum wage job is severely understaffed and, even though they treat you horribly, you offer to pick up more shifts.

Y/N, right now, wasn’t too pleased with her status as a Pogue. Not when she is standing here, bored out of her mind and swaying on her feet as the middle aged Kook rambled on and on about something. Y/N wasn’t too sure what she was complaining about, truthfully, she stopped listening after the woman called her an incompetent child - which was the very first thing that came out of her pink smeared lips.

All she could actually focus on was how heavy her eyelids were, or how much she wanted to cut her feet off or just rip them right from her body. Or the dull ache that nestled itself right in the dip of her spine. Or how much she wishes she could just smash her kneecaps because, at this point, they were so tired and sore they were basically numb. It had been five days straight of her leaving school the second it was over and having her boyfriend, JJ, drive her to her work (a small hardware store), and then working to close.

She was exhausted, but she was falling behind on her road to buying a reliable car. Not the heap of rusted metal that has been sitting in her driveway for the past few months - completely broken. Luckily, because the owners did not want the possibility of being sued, they refused to let her work this weekend. That meant, once this woman was done with her tantrum, Y/N could get out of there and sleep for the foreseeable future. Well, at least until JJ had to get up for his shift delivering groceries tomorrow afternoon. She just hoped today wasn’t the one day JJ was late to pick her up.

“Mark my words, because you all know nothing, I will never come back here,” The lady slammed her hand against the counter Y/N stood at, the newly hired cashier shaking slightly behind her. “And I will be in contact with your manager and owner for reimbursement for any bills that come from this.” She sneered, gesturing to the empty bottle of antifreeze that was specifically made for diesel engines. That she put in her Land Rover.

“You have a nice night, the owner and manager will both be in after nine tomorrow morning.” Y/N drawled like a robot, ignoring the huff and snarky comment the woman made towards her for her lack of respect. There was no way in hell Y/N was apologising to her when Y/N and the manager were the ones who told the woman and her husband not to get that antifreeze, but her husband just wouldn’t listen.

“And I am telling them about your horrible behaviour towards me-”

“Ma’am,” Their night manager appeared from one of the aisles, looking annoyed. The clock had ticked by to read five minutes after close, meaning this woman was standing there ranting for over ten minutes. “We closed five minutes ago, if you have an issue, you can call and discuss this with our head manager and the owner tomorrow, but now you need to leave unless you want to front the money to pay us the overtime you are causing us because we won’t get paid.” He told her, pointing her towards the exit.

She scoffed. “Of course I won’t pay you people to be incompetent at your jobs. I mean, how hard is it to sell people items? If anything, I should be getting money for you people for the damages you caused to my expensive Land Rover-”

“Again, ma’am, you will have to bring that up with the people with more power than me,” The manager looked completely exhausted and annoyed with this woman. He grabbed the empty bottle from where she left it. “Now, you can either leave on your own or I will be contacting the authorities and they will remove you from the premises and you will be banned.”

He held out the empty bottle just before she snatched it, her nose turned up as she scoffed, turning on her heel and leaving out the door. “Okay, you two go, I will lock everything up.” He waved them off. Smiling thankfully, Y/N grabbed her thin sweater (which was JJ’s) and her empty plastic bottle of water, tossing it in the recycling bin.

“Thank you, Gerry. Have fun tomorrow.” She waved bye to him as the new cashier trailed quietly behind her. Pulling the hoodie over her head, she left through the same door the woman had, seeing her fancy silver audi sitting in the parking lot. From inside, she could see her phone pressed to her ear as she yelled.

“Hey, sweets,” JJ greeted her, pushing off from the wall he leaned on. Y/N smiled, saying a quick ‘see you’ to the quiet girl as she bounded over towards her mother’s car. Her feet not moving, she held her arms open for JJ, signalling she wanted a hug. JJ complied, striding the short distance to her and wrapping his arms around her waist. Naturally, her arms rested on his shoulders, enjoying the relief and comfort his hug brought her. It was like every ache in her body left and the weight that was crushing her lifted. “Long night?” He asked, pressing a kiss to the top of her head.

She hummed. “Long week.” She corrected him, snuggling into his chest. He laughed lightly, not wanting to jostle her as she clung to him.

“As much as I would love to stay here hugging, we should really get you some food then to bed.” JJ started to pull away. Whining, she released him, the growling and uncomfortable feeling in her stomach too persistent to ignore, but her face remained planted into his chest.

“Carry me to the bike?” Her voice was muffled as she spoke.

“Sorry, sweets, the bike needs gas and I don’t get paid until next week.” He informed her, hands on her shoulders and pulling her face from his chest, just enough for him to see her face. Instantly, he was met by a pout and a whine from her.

She blinked at him, puppy dog eyes in full effect. “But I’m too tired to walk, JJ.” She told him. And looking at her, he could see she was. The eye Bags under her eyes were so deep that the concealer couldn’t even hide them. Her shoulder drooped so much it looked like she was lugging a bookbag that weighed fifty tons on them. And, not to mention, the way her eyes blinked lazily, looking a second away from closing in slumber.

Aside from her appearance, he could tell over the past few days she was completely exhausted. The way she kept falling asleep on his shoulder at lunch or as they skipped their respective classes in favour of cuddles. She only skipped classes when she wasn’t sleeping properly or she was bored. The way she was extra clingy (like right now). Or how she nearly face-planted into her breakfast this morning. “I know, Sweets. But the bike didn’t even have enough gas to drive here.”

Sighing, tears welled in her eyes. A mixture of exhaustion and stress filled her, creating tears. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked you to waste all that gas driving me here and back home.” She weeped, sniffling as she blinked frantically.

JJ, nearly shitting himself at the sight of tears, jumped out of his skin in fright. “No, no, Sweets. Don’t cry,” He shushed, wrapping her up in his arms so tight her eyes could pop out of their sockets (not really because he would never hurt her). She sniffled into his sweater, tears hitting his sweater. “I didn’t waste gas driving you. I can never waste anything when it comes to you. I let the tank get that low, it’s my fault. I thought I had enough but John B hit a pothole the other day and I needed to go help him change the tire, that’s where the gas went. It’s all John B's fault for being on the mainland and driving like an idiot.” He rocked them from side to side until the tears slowed and the sniffles seemed to quiet down.

“John B made you drive all the way to the mainland to help him change the tire?” She asked, pulling her face from his chest, but his arms didn’t let go over her, keeping her pressed to him. Her eyes were watery and puffy, a red tinge to the whites of her eyes. Her face was puffy and blotchy, trails of dried tears running down her cheeks.

JJ nodded, moving his arms to grip her face, thumbs lightly rubbing the tear streaks. “Yeah. And the idiot also decided to take everything except the jack out of the van so we had to go get a lug nut wrench which ate up more gas.”

“He never learns his lesson, does he?” She laughed. It was wet, her mouth thick from the tears still.

“No, he doesn’t,” He whispered, his voice low as he stared at her. “Now, let’s get you home before you fall asleep standing here,” He stepped back, putting distance between them. She watched with furrowed brows as he turned his back to her, crouching down, practically kneeling on the sidewalk in front of the store. “Hop up.” He told her, arms to his side, stuck towards her slightly, waiting for her to climb onto his back.

“JJ,” She exclaimed. “You’re not going to be able to carry me all the way to John B’s!”

“Yeah I can. I’m eighteen, not eighty,” He told her, pointing to his back. Sighing, she knew he wasn’t going to take no for an answer. On top of that, he would find another way to carry her. Her hands gripped his shoulders as she hopped onto his back. His hands instantly gripped the bottom of her thighs, securing her there and he stood up to his full height. She let out a small squeal at the sudden change in height, kicking her feet slightly at the feeling of them not being on the ground. It always took her a second to get used to being held on his back. “And even when I’m eighty, I am sure as hell gonna still give you piggy back rides.”

“Sure, we’ll revisit that when you are hunched over because you gave me so many piggy back rides now.” She laughed, her arms lazily moving to rest closer to his neck, her chin resting on her bicep as he started to walk towards John B’s.

“Why do you think I am in such great shape? I am training to carry you around my whole life.”

“If that’s the case, might want to lay off the weed and the booze.” She poked him in the pectoral teasingly. He squeezed her thigh playfully back, laughing as she pressed a kiss to his cheek the best she could before resting her head back on her arm, letting the pattern of JJ’s gate relax her, her eyes growing heavier by the second. She really did hope that when they were eighty, they didn’t lose any of their playfulness - no matter if JJ could carry her or not.

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nyxxxx-onepieces-dragun · 5 months

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Nami Girlfriend HC

A/N: hello my lovelies! I made this bc I love our tangerine girl and I'm like half lesbian so I hope yall enjoy these SFW HC might make a NSFW one if this goes well anyways enjoyy ;3

Characters: Nami x Fem!reader (bc wlw ofc) mentions of other characters (maybe)

She did not ask you out first, no no, she likes seeing you struggle to get her attention and stutter whenever you speak to her, she enjoys the game of cat and mouse and when you finally did, she let out a sigh of relief "I thought I was going to have to wait 'till I was grey and old for you to finally grow some" she said with her infamous cheeky smile.

She is not huge on physical touch, more like acts of service and gifts or whatever, but still likes being close to you like if you both are chilling on the merry underneath her tangerine trees she would like you to be sitting close to her, your shoulders touching, or whenever she takes you retail shopping she enjoys holding your hand, not really big on PDA but will plant a small kiss on your cheek just to see you get flustered.

Matching, she loves matching with you, whether it be your guy's outfit or jewelry, or even your hairstyle, she loves it when you wear matching underwear or bra's because only she knows that and it makes her feel good knowing that you and her have something that only you two knew even if it was a bit naughty.

Spoil her and you will get the best treatment of your life, if you get her something small like a necklace with your initial on it, she's buying you a whole new wardrobe, having poor simp sanji make your favorite meals every single day,a little can go a long way if you make her feel appreciated <3 If you guys get into some trouble, you best bet she is protecting you with her life even if she is just as terrified, she knows you can protect her and handle yourself, but she likes to feel like she can protect you too and she can, so why not put her clima-tact to good use? "I'll protect you with my life and I know you'll do the same!"

This woman is such a tease, if you ask for a kiss or hug she'll just smirk and tuck a strand of hair behind your ear before her seductive mischievous gaze catches yours and she is leaning in but right as your noses touch she is turning her head to the side and turning your back to yours "Sorry I tripped" she'll say over her shoulder with a giggle and then prance away her orange hair swaying along with her hips, knowing good and well how her actions made you flustered and confused, but don't worry she'll give you all the kisses and hugs when you two are in private.

She smells like, tangerines of course, and her fingertips always smell or taste like zesty orange peels, her lips are like tangerine slices themselves, like sweet but tangy succulent juice straight from the source.

I hope you lovelies enjoyed this SFW HC it may not be the best but I had fun writing it since there is not much for our favorite tangerine girl! but Thanks for reading reposts/reblogs are welcome just credit me! <33

#one piece #nami x reader #nami x y/n #nyx <3 #one piece x reader #I'm so gay for her skfndsjkfsdf #nyxwrites #one piece x y/n

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songmingisthighs · 2 years

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ask me how i deal with stress. ask me, i dare you.

#it's not retail therapy #noooooooo #it's simping therapy #lmao #i have issues #smt tmi

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ur-dad-satan · 1 month

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I also have obey me brain rot (literally i info dump on the daily) BUT what do you think each brother would do for MC’s bday/some anniversary? Like what sort of celebration and/or gift?

Ooh I love this!! And I info dump about obey me all the time too lmao. So let's see...

I feel like all seven of the brothers are definitely super sentimental but in different ways. They would all look forward to different holidays and occasions for their turn to take MC out and have them to themselves the entire day. They love to do things for and with MC and will do damn near anything for them.

Lucifer

I feel like he's the type to take MC out to eat. I can see him taking the morning to make a nice lunch for them to have a picnic in a park. He would even bring his favorite bottle of demonus for the two to share. If he couldn't do a lunch-time picnic in the park with his favorite human, he would take them to a nice dinner at either a fancy restaurant or their favorite restaurant.

Mammon

This simp would try to spend the entire day with MC (as per usual). He wouldn't really care what the two did during the day, but that night, he would have plans for them. In the afternoon, he would take them shopping and buy them hot matching outfits. Then he would take his adorable little good luck charm to the casino and dinner. He loves showing his human off. BUT if MC doesn't want to go out, he's perfectly content ordering in and watching movies all night with them.

Leviathan

He may be a forgetful little guy, but he remembers birthdays and anniversaries for some things. If it's important enough, his brain will store the info like a game event, and like Mam, he'll want to spend a bunch of time with MC. Instead of trying to steal them throughout the day, he's the type to steal them away the night before and bring in their day with them in his room watching anime/movies or playing games or whatever they want to do. Just to spend at least a little bit of time with them on their day.

Satan

Like Lucifer, Satan really takes MC's interests and likes into consideration when planning things for the human. He would take them out to some event or to a library and cuddle up with a good book together. Afterwards, he would take them to lunch at like a cat cafe or something so they can pet all the kitties together and get some cute little cat themed treats.

Asmodeus

He's the type to want to show MC off, just like Mammon. He would spend the whole day with them starting with a shared bath (and whatever comes with it) and Asmo's full skincare routine for them both. What would follow would be a day of brunch, retail therapy, a spa visit, and impromptu fashion shows in the two's favorite stores. They would end up getting cute ass outfits and going out to a club so they can show all the other demons and succubi how hot and beautiful they are and that they belong to each other.

Beelzebub

He's actually pretty sappy and loves to do sentimental things with them. He'd make them breakfast in bed (while trying not to eat it all), then take them out for the day. He would plan an activity that they can do together, then something classic like getting ice cream and having a walk in the park. They would meet up with Belphie for lunch and then Beel and MC would do something else (like go to the gym if that's what they want to do) together. The day would end with them going to a nice restaurant with a menu option for Beel sized options and then stargazing.

Belphegor

The sleepy boy would stay up a while for MC, but like Levi, he would steal them away the night before, so they can bring in the day together even if they're asleep. He's a pillow princess and would do pretty much whatever they wanted as long as he can take a nap or two. At the end of the day, the two would probably end up cuddling to a movie and falling asleep in each others' arms.

*.*.*.*.*.

Can you tell that I have a favorite lmao

Sorry this too so long, my brain isn't braining lately but it's done!! <3 I hope you liked it

#obey me shitpost #obey me ask #obey me headcanons #obey me lucifer #obey me mammon #obey me leviathan #obey me satan #obey me asmodeus #obey me beelzebub #obey me belphegor #obey me luci #obey me levi #obey me asmo #obey me beel #obey me belphie #obey me brothers #obey me mc #obey me gn!reader

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