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britishassistant · 2 years

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Hi and Happy Belated Birthday! I was wondering if I could formally request the special addition of that time Jamil had the Reporter stuck in an hourglass and had to get them out himself? The very idea of it had me cackling in my chair, it seems like such a hilarious scenario! Quite possibly my favorite one in the entirety of your brilliant Supervillain AU.

Thank you for the ask, dear anon!

“Is this really necessary?”

The question’s enough to make Kalim look back, nervous. But Jamil sets his shoulders, tilts his head to the the side.

“Well, if you can’t be well-mannered enough to be trusted to remain tied to your chair, reporter,” Snake Charmer hisses, “Then you shouldn’t be surprised when we resort to extreme measures.”

The aforementioned reporter has the nerve to look indignant as they’re pushed into the top half of the hourglass.

“See if I save you from a dunking next time then!” They fume, pouting in a manner that’s both distracting and likely exaggerated to try and throw Jamil off his game.

He leans against the control panel, pretending to rub his “beard”, but being careful not to actually smudge it. “Unfortunately for you, reporter, there isn’t going to be a next time. Water Boy?”

“All set, Ja—Snake Charmer!” Water Boy chirps obnoxiously, slamming the glass door shut like Jamil’s told him not to dozens of times and scurrying down the ladder and clear of the mechanism. It always means it gets wedged too hard, leaking sand and being a royal pain to open later.

Jamil tries not to sigh too obviously, and instead takes pleasure in pressing the button that activates this particular trap.

The reporter stumbles as the half of the hourglass they’re in begins to tilt, trying to balance on the slick glass before tumbling, quite literally, arse over teakettle. They end up uncomfortably sprawled on their shoulders with their knees over their head and groaning softly by the time the rotation is finished. The brown lining on the inside of their neat little blazer clearly visible.

The seat of their jeans also appears pleasantly full, thanks to this position.

“…mer? Snake Charmer?”

Jamil doesn’t quite start at the sound of Kalim’s voice, but it’s a near thing.

“Hm? Ah-a-ahem!” He recovers admirably, if he does say so himself, walking around to sprawl against the control panel with the kind of artful carelessness that it’s taken him months to perfect. “As you can see, Mx. Radcliffe, you have until the sand fills the bottom of the hourglass to beg for mercy and repentance, and swear to tell me everything you’ve learned about my…esteemed colleagues during your time with them, and I may take pity on you. If not…”

The reporter rolls into a crouch, scooting away from the stream of sand that’s begun to pour down to cover the floor of the hourglass.

The defiant glare they shoot him makes something curl warm and satisfied in his gut.

“I suppose you’ve got a little under half an hour to reflect upon your regrets.” He leans closer to the glass, amused when they pointedly don’t shift back or look away. “How about it, reporter? You’ve spent so long uncovering the foibles of others—care to share a few dirty secrets of your own?”

There’s a flash of suppressed alarm in their eyes that sends goosebumps over Jamil’s skin.

He feels his own eyes growing hot as he opens his mouth—

“Not so fast, snake!”

It’s only years of experience dodging Kalim’s assassins that allow Jamil to fling himself back and away from the hero who has so rudely interrupted. It’s that same experience which allows him to stifle an irritated groan.

There, dressed in his absolutely ludicrous tiger-themed costume that Jamil still can’t quite believe he allows himself to be caught dead in, crouches Namir al-Asim. Kalim’s second-eldest cousin, who went into heroics to bolster the Asim reputation and work off his aggravation at not being Kalim. (Not entirely successfully, if his latest lawsuit is anything to go by).

The control panel Snake Charmer was leaning on now has large chunks swiped out of it and is sparking dangerously.

Jamil tries not to imagine what would’ve happened if he hadn’t gotten out of the way in time.

“Ah, Asim.” He lets his tone drip with all the venom he usually has to keep under lock and key. “So gracious of you to drop in.”

“I’ve told you,” Namir growls, nails lengthening into claws, “it’s—!”

“I don’t care.” Snake Charmer cuts him off. “Are you here on behalf of the important members of your family, or is this a social call? Either way, as you can see, I’m already entertaining.”

Namir actually does a double take at the sight of the reporter, as though he hadn’t even noticed they were inside the giant hourglass. He growls, “I told you to stay out of this!”

“I didn’t even do anything this time! He’s the one who kidnapped me!” The reporter’s retort sounds tinny and warped through the glass. “Also if this is what you call ‘entertaining’, Snake Charmer, then I’d hate to see what you do to bore people. At least Royal Flush gives me snacks.”

Snake Charmer feels a competitive grin curl over his face, and bows with a flourish. “My deepest apologies Mx. Radcliffe. Though perhaps you’ll revise that opinion once you see our aquatic performance? It’s said tigers are good swimmers—let’s put that to the test.”

Which is all the warning Namir gets before Water Boy unleashes the tidal wave he’d been building up since his cousin arrived.

“Sorry!” He yells, which makes Jamil roll his eyes behind his mask.

At least Kalim hasn’t accidentally alluded to the familial relationship between him and the hero again.

Yet.

They’re just lucky that Namir’s never been known for his listening or critical thinking skills. It makes it so much easier to have one of them play ‘bait’ and attract his attention, while the other preps a trap for the hero to fall into or call for reinforcements.

Snake Charmer does both.

Admittedly the pit traps and buzz saws aren’t quite enough to really slow Namir down that much, what with his enhanced reflexes. Neither are Asp, Adder, Boa, Krait, Ikeheka, or Python, regardless of the fact that Asp and Boa run a capoeira dojo together in their civilian guises, Adder used to box professionally, and Krait, Ikeheka and Python are in consideration for national-level synchronized swimming.

To be honest, Jamil wouldn’t be entirely comfortable betting on himself or Water Boy being able to overcome his cousin one-on-one— Kalim’s still got a streak of soft-heartedness in him that all the trials of his and Jamil’s childhoods hasn’t been able beat out of him, while Namir’s got a chip digging into his shoulders that seemingly is only alleviated by inflicting assault and battery on dubiously guilty members of the public. Jamil himself is good, as a Viper he’s had to be, but he’s not “take on a raging powerhouse face-on and emerge unscathed” good.

But all together? All at once?

Then Snake Charmer is very confident that if they can’t defeat this jumped-up figurehead of a hero, they can at least beat him within an inch of his life and make him think twice before he sets foot into this particular nest of vipers again.

At some point during the frantic rush of trying to direct machines and people and improvisations to slow Namir’s efforts to break everything Snake Charmer has built for himself, Jamil becomes aware of an odd thudding noise, that isn’t quite following the sounds of battle.

He ducks away from a potentially nasty blow from a flung axle to chance a quick scan of the room.

Oh. The reporter’s begun throwing themself at the wall of the hourglass.

The bottom-half of the hourglass, which is now just over half full of sand. The aforementioned sand is now covering the reporter’s shoulders and rapidly reaching higher. And despite the reporter’s best efforts and their increasingly panicked expression, the glass holds firm against their attempts to brute-force an escape.

As it would, it’s reinforced to hold a person’s weight, and will take more than unarmed blows to put a crack in it. Jamil should know. He paid for it.

Which. Is fine? Not ideal, certainly. By his reckoning, Namir should’ve freed the reporter from the trap by now, even if it was just to dump them in a barely defensible corner and get back to fighting. That he hasn’t is…mildly disconcerting, but. No matter, surely? It’s a victory for him if they die in the hourglass, right?

Sure, it’ll be a pain for him if they die before he can pump them for information on Royal Flush, King, Leviathan, and Octo Dealer’s weaknesses. Rather a disadvantage actually, given all the trouble he’s gone through to kidnap them and bring them here only for Namir to interfere. If they die now…

No, no, focus, Snake Charmer, focus. You can’t risk everything over a reporter. You’re overreacting. Namir will be saving them at any moment now.

Right?

Namir doesn’t seem to have noticed though, doesn’t even seem to care in his mission to inflict as much bodily harm on Snake Charmer’s minions as he possibly can. If it wasn’t for the way the ears on his ridiculous costume twitch with every weakening thud, Jamil would think him genuinely oblivious. As it is, he clearly is just bad at prioritizing.

Water Boy keeps shooting Jamil and the hourglass worried glances when he really should be paying attention to the battle, even foolishly attempting to bait his cousin into accidentally hitting it by placing himself in harm’s way. Luckily Ikeheka and Adder are focusing on their primary directive of ensuring no permanent harm comes to Water Boy, but it’s beginning to interfere with Snake Charmer’s meticulously improvised defense.

Fine. Fine! If you want a job done right…

Under the cover of two pit traps under each of Namir’s feet activating simultaneously, alongside Asp and Boa’s impressive offensive, Snake Charmer slinks around to the back of the hourglass.

Honestly, it’s just a good thing he thought to install a door that can be unlocked from the outside on—!

The door is jammed.

No matter how often he flicks the lock or how hard he tugs on the handle, it won’t budge. A thin trickle of sand is all that escapes, but that’s it. The door’s wedged past its own frame. It’ll take ages to release it, requiring the entire hourglass to be flipped the other way and careful unscrewing of the hinges.

That’s time the reporter doesn’t have, even without taking into account the fact that Namir destroyed the control panel that could flip it back upright.

Jamil glances up frantically, to check how much time Yuu Radcliffe does have before he needs to start panicking.

Just in time to see the reporter’s head disappear under the sand entirely.

Shit.

“Swarm that hero!!” Snake Charmer almost doesn’t recognize his own voice as he yells.

The whisper he’d implanted activates in all the minions aside from Water Boy. Their attacks become more relentless, driving Namir into a corner, with no recognition of pain or injuries they sustain. He’ll need to give them all bonuses in addition to compensation later, not to mention ensure they have the appropriate time off to recover, but for now—

“Water Boy!” He commands, “The Forget-Me-Stick!”

It takes a moment but Water Boy’s eyes eventually light up in realization. “Ah—Right!”

Snake Charmer was not expecting Water Boy to lob the Forget-Me-Stick at him rather than actually hit the hourglass himself like he is perfectly capable of doing, but what else can he really expect out of him?

At least it means Jamil has a reinforced weapon to hand capable of freeing the reporter.

The first hit just fractures the glass rather than truly cracking it, hairline webs of lines that are more accusatory than helpful, not even breaching the interior.

Jamil grits his teeth and puts his back into the next two swings.

It isn’t until the fourth blow that the glass finally shatters and gives way, spilling sand and shards out across the floor.

Even then it takes some digging to actually locate the reporter’s body and drag them free of the debris, ensuring this suit will need a through dry-clean in the process.

The reporter’s worryingly still, eyes shut, sand encrusting their features.

He’s not entirely sure they’re breathing.

Jamil pinches their nose and blows air into their mouth before starting chest compressions. He’s practiced this hundreds of times, had to just in case Kalim ever needed it, but never on a genuinely unresponsive person before. Are his compressions hard enough? Should he be working to dislodge something from their airway instead? He leans down again—

They cough. And keep coughing as he draws back and helps roll them onto their side, moaning softly as they spit out sand, their breathing juddering and unsteady.

“Sn-Sna-ake?” Their eyes are unfocused as they flutter open. “Ow. Wh-wha…?”

Jamil can’t quite help the way he deflates in relief.

“Yuu!” Kalim’s shout rings out and brings with it awareness of the battle raging on behind him. “You’re okay!! Hey look, Namir, Yuu’s okay!! Isn’t that great?!”

“GET OVER HERE SO I CAN RIP YOUR ARMS FROM THEIR SOCKETS, VILLAIN!!!” Namir roars back.

Jamil has officially reached the end of his willingness to deal with this. He strips off his jacket with business-like efficiency and folds it up so it can function as a somewhat passable pillow under the reporter’s head. Then he rolls up his sleeves as he stands and pulls his whip back out.

His minions have done an admirable job of temporarily subduing Namir, even if it’s clear he’s on the verge of breaking out of Adder and Krait’s holds.

Snake Charmer’s whip flashes out and wraps itself around the moronic upstart’s throat, yanking him around to look directly into the supervillain’s eyes.

“Snake Whisper.”

It’s almost satisfying to watch the dawning horror cross Namir’s face before it drops in dopey, slack compliance.

“You will actually fulfill your role as a hero,” Jamil orders. “And take Mx. Radcliffe to the nearest hospital for treatment. By the time you arrive at that building, you’ll have forgotten the location of this lair entirely. Understood?”

At Namir’s blank nod, Jamil clicks his fingers.

With muttered curses and pained grunts, his minions come back to themselves and don’t quite let go of Namir so much as fall over on jellied muscles that have been pushed to their limits. Water Boy immediately scuttles over, muttering small reassurances and frantic questions of how’s everyone feeling, do they want any water, a hot compress, a cold compress, some crackers?

Namir shambles over to where the reporter lies curled up, and scoops them up with a gentleness that could only come from external control. As he turns and begins to bound back over and up through the hole in the ceiling he burst in through, Snake Charmer’s eyes catch Yuu Radcliffe’s.

Their gaze is wide, stunned, almost reverent. Like they don’t understand what’s going on, but desperately want to.

And then they and Namir are gone, vanished into the sunny afternoon.

Snake Charmer heaves a heavy sigh, collects his jacket and tries his best to shake the excess sand out of it. He does not think about how it smells a little like Yuu the reporter. He certainly isn’t briefly smacked in the face with the intrusive thought that their lips were actually quite soft, weren’t they?

“I need a nap.” Jamil grouses as he stalks out. “Get someone in to clean this up.”

#twisted wonderland #twst #supervillain au #jamil viper #snake charmer #kalim al asim #water boy #twst yuu #twisted wonderland yuu #jamil x yuu #namir al asim

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