#why is there not a real judgement here. and as the battles become more brutal and wide scale we care less and less for the soldiers

[cacaitos]

idk bro some people are very set on that grifo will sacrifice the neo band of the hawk/falconia but not in a bracing ourselves for the worst way but in the i want them all dead so i can prove how shitty he and his dream are.

#txt #the problem is not wanting him dead but that ppl want a horrible catastrophe to happen to innocent ppl just to prove smth #i think everyone incluiding miura is missing or straying from a theme from the beginning #or at least it's left up to 'interpretation' later on. like if it was Bad that grifo built his dream. an 'ambition' upon manipulation #and dead bodies. right? and guts also stepping into ppl to go try kill grifo. 'his ambition' gas presented as Bad #*was #then why suddently in Retribution where a hell of a ton more ppl died. for GRIFO's resurrection. and that's also Bad #why is there no real care for the r e f u g e e s. if guts and LUCA(?? only spared a rip for all of u lol at the time #why is there not a real judgement here. and as the battles become more brutal and wide scale we care less and less for the soldiers #**** and citizens. and THATS what i was saying wrt the kushan empire and the trolls. who we dind even knew but were #unilaterally killed withou much thought. with some exceptions. like i would prefer everyone and the plot to sit down a sec and think #people in falconia haven't anything wrong to us. and most of them pointedly don´t know what grifo did #and so it bothers me how careless ppl seem with what to do with it. like if your vision ammounted to something else #besides 'kill grifo. let falconia collapse and let people die' just to get your satisfaction

[gofancyninjaworld]

OPM Mega review (chapters 131 - 148): Part 2  To the side, not the sidelines

A continuation of part 1 of the mega review.  This isn’t a narrative account, but rather a look at all the other groups and happenings around where the main battle is raging.

Heroism in all sizes

It’s like the end of the world.  City Z isn’t the first city to face near total devastation.  But City A was at least gone in a flash. People had almost no time to consider their imminent demise.  In City Z, the carnage has had time to build and to come from multiple directions.  From vampiric monster roots enveloping and sucking the lives out of inhabitants by the block. From powerful earthquakes splitting and even twisting the ground. From aerial bombardments of gigantic rubble and from the sea itself as the coastline is threatened by a chain of tsunamis.  Survivors aren’t bothering to try driving: it’s whatever you can carry as fast as you can.

Those who gave up their beds.  The Hero Hospital in City S has come to serve as an impromptu staging post for nearby heroes.  Like a middle finger stuck up at face of civilisation, the tower previously buried underground and its glowing red monster is just about visible from the hillsides of City S and draws heroes in like a beacon.  First Metal Bat,  then Mumen Rider, then the Tank Toppers, then the Blizzard Group, then all the other heroes hospitalised in the aftermath of either the Day of Chaos or Garou’s depredations discharge themselves against medical advice and run in to see who they can save.

just as well they all went -- the roads are so impassable and the situation so volatile that they’re literally the only rescue coming for hours if not days

Swept up in the mood, the martial artists were considering moving out too, only for Suiryu to pour cold water on the notion.  It has done me a world of good to see that Suiryu has been inspired by Max and Snek and not Saitama. He finally gets it that a hero is someone who has the courage to step into the path of danger because someone needs help, and not because they’re strong and think they’ll win.

No space for playing hero.  It’s very wise that Suiryu advised his fellow martial artists not to play hero.  If many have complained about how heroes seem to be blessed with life, no such protections are afforded to non-heroes. The people who went in alongside heroes have suffered grievously,  although those who have died did so bravely.

I have a one-person prayer circle going for Sekingar. I pray that ONE will choose to spare his fine non-hero one-eyed, single-handed ass.  I have come to like the guy and I’ve been impressed at how he has stayed calm when trapped in City Z,  succeeded in encouraging discouraged heroes and even asserting a genuine authority to guide Metal Bat and King. I don’t think there’s too many more like him in the executive of the Hero Association and think it’d be a shame if he didn’t bring his hard-won experiences back to guide them in what’s sure to be a crisis.

The king under the mountain

This arc has introduced us to a lot of concepts and players who are likely to have long-term effect on the world.  In this series of chapters, some of these ideas are developed further.

Came for the pussy, stayed for the tentacles. I’m sorry, I’m allowed one double entendre a week and I decided to curse you with it.  I wouldn’t have mentioned this but Drive Knight’s comings and goings are almost certainly going to be very plot-relevant later.   He was supposed to be gone with his prize of one Nyan, but then he saw the tower emerge and Psykos-Orochi wave tentacles skyward and as much as a cyborg with no discernable facial features can be said to yearn, he yearned. For a sample that is.

He stuck around as long as it took him to get a sample of Orochi and then he was gone, without so much as a ‘thank you for your help’.  At present, we’ll just have to see what this is all about later.

When the cat’s away the mice will play.  The only way to foment a world ending crisis is to have the guy who can squash it all and wonder what the fuss was about occupied elsewhere.  Through meeting Flashy Flash and getting a tour into the deepest reaches of the Monster Association thanks to Manako, and a couple of other things, Saitama is literally trapped in an alternative dimension. Although, being Saitama, if he felt a sense of urgency, he’d break back into the real world without a second thought.  Right now he’s curious,worried for his house, but mostly hungry.  Some curry would be nice.

The real question is how are the heroes going to hold out until Saitama arrives?  I’ve been touched by how genre-savvy Genos and King are about this. It’d be amusing if it weren’t so brutally true.

The formal establishment of extra-spatial dimensions as a feature not restricted to a few unusual individuals.   Phoenixman first got us learning about the idea of extra dimensions, in his case a private manifestation of his inner psyche.  Neither he nor Child Emperor physically moved.

Ninchirin introduces us to the idea of an extra-spatial dimension that physical objects can be stowed in and taken from.

But nothing takes it as far as ‘God’ with the existence of a pocket dimension with its own timeline that takes people in wholesale.  Whether a lot of time passes on the outside (as it does for Saitama and co) or no time passes (as it does for Psykos-Orochi) seems to depend on ‘His’ will. 

The formal establishment of ‘God’ as a singular being with a distinct personality.  Homeless Emperor first talked about ‘God’ as being a being who tasked him with eliminating humanity after he despaired of living as one.  Pyskos expands on that concept. She saw ‘God’ very differently, as a quasi-planetary being rather than as a vaguely humanoid one, but her experience of ‘Him’ as a being who bestowed power and a mission on her bears striking similarity to that of Homeless Emperor.

How people get to talk to ‘God’ becomes clear when we see Flashy Flash and Saitama accidentally summoning ‘Him’ via handling a box.  Which leads very naturally to elucidating some of the mystery of Blast. 

Finding out why Blast is still the number 1 hero.   If the likes of Tatsumaki leave us scratching our heads as to how any hero could outwork her in terms of facing monsters, Blast gives us an answer.  He specialises in dealing with non-physical threats, which he does by having some sort of dimension-hopping gizmo.  The black box he disposes of identical to that seen in Tatsumaki’s flashback, leading us naturally to think about what business the facility holding her was having with ‘Him.’   Webcomic readers see a gimme as well in the construction of the Ninja Village Flash hails from, along with Blast paying the ninjas a visit.

With Blast having taken Saitama and co out of reality, it’s going to be an unknown while before they pop back into it.

Sleeping is such a nice euphemism for dying

The principle of explosive growth through surviving situations that should have killed one is by this point a well-established mechanic within the story.  After seeing Phoenixman come back from the dead, it should perhaps not be a surprise to us that Orochi does the same.  In coming back, he’s evolved into a distributed form that can regrow after even extensive destruction and the consequences of his doing so are already covered in part 1 of this review.

Speaking of evolution, what about Garou? We left Garou buried under tons of rock in the wake of Tatsumaki lifting the base.  Yet again, he does not die -- thank you Darkshine for your anti blunt trauma vaccination -- and little by little, we see him dig himself out, and transforming himself as he goes as he dreams of a world in which he enforces peace but very unconventional means.

In retrospect, the sequence of Garou’s eyes closing in response to his humanising memory of Tareo is the most ominous as the eyes that open again have not a shred of humanity in them.

It reminds me a lot of what we saw happen to Gouketsu when the latter accepted a monster cell, his human eyes closing as a new set of monster ones opened.

At long last, Garou makes it back to the surface.  But what’s this?  Where’s the wise-cracking, judgemental little shit we love?  What is this near silent, befanged, clawed feral creature beating down on everything he sees? Oh dear.  He is not sleeping sweetly, dreaming pleasant dreams of a world perfectly obedient while he waits for the fist of some self-righteous prince to awaken him to his destiny.  Garou may perceive it as lapses in consciousness, but it’s the monster within eating him alive.  He’s dying. He is under real existential threat of being completely lost to monsterfication and how it is that he can save his humanity is a big point of interest. 

In his flawed way,  Bang is trying to get through to Garou.  I don’t hold out big prospects of him reaching him.  And if he does, I hold out even smaller prospects of him actually beating Garou.  Barring some interruption, we might be about to see the tragedy of a master beaten down by his student.

I’m going to leave this review here.  What comes next is all too soon going to change the status quo of the story, if not for the better, then certainly for the more eventful. 

#OPM #review #Snek #Saitama #Garou #Bang #Flashy Flash #Sekingar #a lot has happened #and the heroes working bravely in the background to save as many as they can is indeed heroism at its best #how the supernatural meddling fits in with everything that we see going on we don't yet know #Garou coming back onto the scene is a far more ominous re-emergence than it was in the webcomic #this could get really ugly

[fuse2dx]

November ‘20

Cross Code

Cross Code is a game that is trying so very, very hard. The story is based around your character being an avatar within an MMORPG, and its this kind of game-within-a-game setup that is used as a cheeky way to skirt the fourth wall and have its characters make snide remarks at certain design decisions, while also going full steam ahead with them regardless of the fact. Don’t think we didn’t notice, dev team! It plays out as a 2D top-down action RPG, but clearly has aspirations that extend far beyond this framework. Each of its environments is thoroughly layered with subtle verticality, with parkour-esque platforming having you constantly working backwards from your intended destination, and requiring meticulous attention to detail in order to find where it is you’re able to begin your elaborate series of jumps from. There’s a huge array of materials to gather and channel through traders and to craft into gear, and the combat they benefit is both precise and complex, requiring plenty of on-the-fly thinking as well as tight execution. As well as these set-piece battles, the game’s dungeons are full of puzzles that though smart in construction, are tough enough in isolation, and frankly brutal in their relentless frequency. One particularly ill-advised chapter has a series of three such dungeons in quick succession, and perfectly illustrates that just because you can, does not mean that you should. 

On a more positive note, one thing the game does have in spades is charm. The sprite work is admirable; even though characters are a touch on the tiny side to be too effective on their own, their portraits and dialogue provide a solid emotive connection to them and the story that builds up around them. In all, it is a game that can be a lot of fun, and plenty rewarding - but the entire thing is overly long and far too regularly punishing. It’s tapped into a number of 16-bit action-RPG ideas well, but has perhaps unintentionally also managed to become the most masochistic presentation of these ideas to date.

Crimzon Clover: World Explosion

A game I’ve technically owned for years now, however the lack of a Windows PC has held me back from playing it - with this debut on the Switch finally granting me the opportunity though to get hands on. Although I’d gleaned plenty from watching super players decimate it before now, even my feeble credit feeding through the game’s five stages has given me plenty of additional appreciation for just how good it is. 

It looks brilliant, with chunky, detailed enemies animated beautifully as they move about the screen. The music pounds along to an energetic beat, and the game keeps a solid pace all while plenty of bullets swarm around you in creative and considered patterns. Turning the tides with Break Mode is an incredibly satisfying way to take control of hairier moments, and while I can’t speak for every intricacy of its scoring system, I know that it’s developed by a team that demonstrably understands the value of these. What I can more reliably add to that discussion is that you’re unlikely to find yourself reliant on any one hook to find your fun though; even the most pedestrian appreciator of the genre should find plenty to enjoy. Thoroughly deserving of its regular appearance alongside the biggest names in the genre.

Holovista

There’s often a reasonable amount of scepticism that comes from some folks when you talk of gaming on a mobile phone. Flipping the conversation though, and instead to talk of one of my favourite advantages of the format, it’s great that a developer can lean on the familiarity and the personal connection that you have to the device you’re playing on. As a device that lives by your side 24/7 and increasingly encroaches further into every aspect of your being, Holovista leverages this connection amazingly, spinning its story in a series of interfaces that mimic how your phone acts when you use it yourself. Taking pictures and interacting with people in particular are key interfaces, and that are done in a way that neatly puts you right into the shoes of their character. 

It begins with said character taking an interview for a new job that is hoped to herald a new tide of good fortune, and promptly introduces the circle of friends that are there to help with this and that celebrate alongside. As you learn more about the job, things slowly begin to get a bit weird, and then take a turn that is something akin to Black Mirror meets nightmarish introspection. Though not overtly unpleasant, there are some memorably unsettling moments along the way. Sensibly, it does have content warnings that offer some sound advice for those it might not sit so well with, but self-care does end up being a central takeaway from the game as a whole as well as for its cast. On the back of circumstances we’ll generically chalk up to this year’s being what it is, this ended up feeling like a lovely little palate cleanser -  a considered refresh, thoroughly original, and a very worthy afternoon’s entertainment. 

The Legend of Zelda: Link’s Awakening

One thing that’s always been great about Link’s Awakening came as a result of the technical limitations imposed by the Gameboy - that the Zelda format needed all the fat trimmed, while the mixture of puzzles and action were to be distilled down into their most potent and compact form. Even with the (entirely optional) extras they’ve slipped in with this remake, this still shines through in its design now, where it couldn’t be any further removed from the risks of overly long, dragged out pacing. A small overworld it may be, but it’s full of variety, secrets, and memorable moments. Dungeons are similarly economical with its good ideas - giving you new tools, laying out smart ways to break you into their use, and then letting you get on with things. 

While the remastered music is also utterly charming, the real upsell here is the total visual do-over; its tilt-shifted cartoon aesthetic pushing each and every scene to look like a shiny, hyper-cute diorama. For all of the different visual styles that the series has dabbled with in the past, this one definitely feels like the right match for the light-hearted whimsy that comes through from the story and the characters. That’s not to say that it’s flawless either - the blurring at the screen’s edges can be overly intense at times, and the overall presentation does cause the performance to stutter and feel a little sluggish at times. I point at these things only given the bar is raised so - something unavoidable when you already know a game is a stone-cold classic from the off. 

Astro’s Playroom

Coming pre-installed on your shiny new (and hopefully not scalped) Playstation 5 console, Playroom begins as a humble introduction to the capabilities of the Dual Sense controller. Touch control, haptic feedback, adaptive triggers and the like are introduced and may well generate some cooing and low-key positivity, however this enthusiasm is elevated by a mighty factor when the game truly begins and everything is put so deftly into practice.

It’s not a complex or particularly challenging title as far as 3D platformers go, with frequent checkpoints and no life counter in sight. Any mould-breaking to be done comes instead from the diversity in how you control various sideshows, with the entire kitchen sink’s worth of interface options being showcased as you climb into a monkey suit, blast off a rocket ship, bounce around as a pinball, and so on. All of these demonstrate ingenuity that could’ve easily gone awry, yet are quickly understood, and grounded in a level of both tactile and in-game feedback that maintains a natural feeling. The game’s worlds serve as virtual tours through colourful, fantasy depictions of hardware components that demonstrates an excellent level of both pride and playfulness, with fellow bots littering both the through-fare and the unbeaten paths, dressed up and enacting smart homage to generations of games and their characters, all while Playstation-themed collectables are doled out in tandem alongside smart, well-natured puns. It arguably borders on propaganda at times, such is the intense positivity. That said, the more extensive your tenure is with Sony’s platforms, the more likely it’ll dull your better judgement to this, instead letting slip a grin at what is essentially the grandest love letter to all things Playstation, and the warmest, most celebratory pack-in for a new console Sony could have ever hoped for. 

The showcasing of new features and hardware aside, it’s also a subtle and unofficial coronation of Astrobot as Sony’s newest (and best) mascot. There’s been plenty of candidates in the past who’ve half-heartedly assumed to own the position, but it’s the silent, cheerful charm which makes Astro that much more of an endearing figurehead. G'wan the little guy.

No More Heroes 2: Desperate Struggle

For someone that loves Suda51 and adored No More Heroes, my reaction to No More Heroes 2 on its original release was comparatively tepid. With a third game due next year, this re-release felt like the right time to revisit it and see it through, and although I found some things to enjoy, I certainly found plenty to remind me why I had bounced off it previously.

Roaming about in Santa Destroy between missions is gone, instead replaced with a short check list of destinations. While not a fan of the change myself, this isn’t necessarily a bad thing - though it does give a misleading impression of tightened focus that is very quickly lost as it lays out a spread of half-baked, and frankly clumsy mini-games. As well as being your prime source for money and upgrades, these do a lot to artificially increase the length of the game, and put simply, they’re just not fun enough to warrant this level of prominence. Even the main story has frequent moments where it veers away from the core 3D hack and slash gameplay, and again, these do more harm than good to the game’s flow.

The fighting underpinning it all has undoubtably been done better since by any number of titles, and though imperfect, it is still serviceable and enjoyable for the most part. Boss battles definitely hold the lion’s share of the game’s highlights, but there’s a few that also stick out with some poorly executed designs that tars its lasting impression. Shades do remain of the ridiculous, irreverent charm of the first game, although they are certainly more infrequent, and a more modern lens also brings into question just how sincerely we should take the sending up of Travis, when cast upon a backdrop of frequent fanservice. Not the best sequel then, but let’s hope 3 gets things back on track.  

#cross code #crimzon clover #holovista #links awakening #astros playroom #no more heroes 2

[maryxglz]

With the long-running original Marvel movie saga culminating with Avengers: Endgame, it seems like there is no time like the present to assess and pay tribute to one of the studio’s most noteworthy and influential villains: Loki.

The brother of Thor, played by Tom Hiddleston since Thor in 2011, has been central to the God of Thunder’s solo franchise and has even become a go-to name for Avengers movies, most notably playing the villain in the studio’s debut team-up The Avengers in 2012.

His entanglement with the centre-most characters of Marvel lore have made him one of the most recognisable and highly respected characters in the whole of superhero cinema. In this article, we’ll follow the development of this now iconic character from a brother to a man lacking a place to belong, to the meanest guy in the galaxy and right back around again

Thor (2011) – Loki’s Debut

We first see Loki in a flashback of Thor as a child, the two brothers joyfully playing and then listening to Odin talk about the future and the responsibilities of being a good king. Both kids are eager to be worthy of Odin’s expectations to defend Asgard, but Thor’s destiny is made clear from the beginning: he is to be the king of Asgard.

Child Loki is shown, importantly, to be more shy than his somewhat obnoxious sibling, planting seeds for his dastardly tactics later in life, but it’s quite clear that during his youth he did not hate his brother. It’s pointed out that most of what we are to see will be the result of the parenting of their King and Queen father and mother, that the circumstances which cause them to grow apart will not be the choice of the brothers themselves.

In the film’s present day, Loki arranges a break out of Frost Giants in Asgard during Thor’s coronation, something forcefully pushed home by the choices of director Kenneth Branagh behind the camera and actor Tom Hiddleston’s acting choices in front of it. It’s assumed Loki doesn’t believe his brother is wise enough to be a king, with the underlying nature of Loki’s self-assurance and ego coming to the fore when he reinforces Thor’s ambitions for revenge to his face and then lambasts the plans as “madness” in public – welcome, the God of Mischief.

Even here, Loki doesn’t hate Thor (telling his brother he loves him dearly), but resentment is soon set alight by the revelation that Loki is not Asgardian but instead an adopted Frost Giant bound to a life away from the throne he has sought all his life. Loki is quickly established as an outcast, the core to his relateable villain persona, with his actions from this point seeming more understandable even in the midst of his viciously resentful motivations. To Loki, it’s easier to start over than to adapt to his newly realised standing within his adopted family.

There’s a scene where Loki confronts Odin about his birth – an acting masterpiece by Hiddleston. With tears in his eyes, he yells at Odin that he was just another tool in his hands ready for when he would have needed him. Odin’s reaction is also very emotional, which we know is somewhat out of character, with him falling into the so-called “Odin’s sleep” out of the shock and distress caused by his son’s actions. If the two had been afforded the opportunity to finish their confrontation, perhaps things would have gone very differently, perhaps the events of Thor would not have occurred.

This event is in fact a turning point for Loki’s character, as from here he only cares about gaining more and more power, getting back at Thor in the process by taking away his throne and ‘his precious Earth’ (as he says in The Avengers – 2012). Loki was used to form an alliance, so why shouldn’t he be angry? His entire existence is a political convenience – this is understandable to us, sympathetic even. This cannot condone his actions or be an excuse for how nasty and evil he became, but it does accurately illustrate his internal turmoil and the reasons for him to become how he eventually is in The Avengers (2012).

Thor is filled with moments that showcase Loki’s unique and mischievous talents, the Prince convincing Thor that Odin is not in Odin’s sleep but is in fact dead, and that Thor is to blame. By the time Thor learns of the truth, Loki has unravelled to the point of utter viciousness and desperation, his self-harming behaviour pushing him further and further into darkness, the rage and lack of control Hiddleston presents in the scene being key to illustrating the desperation beneath the bad. Here, he surrenders to his anger and rage, effectively stamping his ticket to his own demise.

The crux of Loki’s story occurs in the film’s conclusion however, where even after abandoning himself to evil and rage he still reaches out for Odin’s approval, the King of Asgard’s refusal to accept Loki causing his son to cast himself into the abyss of the universe both physically and metaphorically. Loki’s decision to fall into the unknown of space ends Thor’s journey but he only becomes worthy at the cost of his closest ally, a theme that will replay itself in future movies. Loki, like Thor, must learn to accept his duty, albeit a different one to that he first saw for himself…

The Avengers (2012) – Evolution Into A Complete Villain

The Avengers was always going to be about the heroes at the centre of the concept, but the picture actually opens with its villain Loki. The God of Mischief, angry and fallen into madness from his last confrontation with Odin, has found a new purpose in avenging Thor, ironically the mirror image of the Avengers’ task. Most importantly, Loki’s choices in this film will lead to his death in Infinity War, The Avengers acting as something of a 2nd act for the character.

It’s established fairly early on that Loki’s pact with the Chitauri is one in which he does not have control, the group threatening to kill him if he does not succeed. Loki is determined to take Thor’s treasure of Earth, but he remains somewhat sympathetic in doing so because of this, endearing himself to us even in the midst of his apocalyptic anger.

The most emotional and meaningful scenes featuring Loki in The Avengers are, much like in his other films, his dialogue with Thor. Though fleeting, the exchange between Loki and Thor on Earth when Thor attempts to take Loki back to Asgard is based in brotherly love, Thor pleading with his brother even in spite of his recent actions. It’s clear that Thor still considers Loki to be his brother even if Loki can no longer see it, but Loki is lost to misplaced ambition or, more accurately, to his pursuit of belonging – he even says in the scene that he’ll prove himself as Odin’s son.

As the film progresses and Loki establishes the upper hand in his war with Earth, he has another important confrontation with his brother, Thor this time offering one last opportunity for redemption during the movie’s climactic battle.

“It’s too late”, Loki claims as Thor pleads with him to stop. It is through these three words that we’re given insight into his own perception of the universe he inhabits; one that is deeply unkind to him. This not only enforces his villainous status in this picture but also issues reminders of his previous arc in Thor, Loki still suffering the effects of losing his life purpose, family and sense of belonging.

In this confrontation, Loki almost hesitates, the Joss Whedon directed close-up showing him to be almost crying. This scene, which illustrates the struggle inside of Loki, helps us to link the wars he rages with the wars within himself, the God in a man’s world having otherworldly power to play out his inner turmoil on a planetary scale. Loki expresses that Thor can no longer appeal to sentiment, Loki’s position as outcast son and prince brought to the fore ahead of his decision to maintain his fight, to seek control.

Loki of course loses in his battle to control earth, owing to the unforeseen bravery of Tony Stark (Iron Man), and is whisked away to Asgard by Thor to face punishment for his crimes. By the end of The Avengers Loki is down and he’s lost everything, but he’s home. And home is where we find him in Thor: The Dark World.

Thor: The Dark World (2013) – Loki’s Path of Growth

In this film, we find Loki where we left him: in chains, brought to face Odin’s judgement for his crimes committed on Earth.

We don’t actually see him in action until about the 35 minute mark when we are immediately aligned with his point of view, the somewhat endearing villain (by this point a fan favourite) looking out from a cell towards other prisoners in one of Asgard’s jails.

The first contact Loki has is with his mother, this choice to quickly realign Loki with his central family group offering hints at fixing the broken relationship caused in the first Thor movie. He rejects her pleas, but his reestablished presence in their lives is brought to the fore, Loki reaching out for his mother’s hand as the hologram disappears.

The point that lights the match in The Dark World is the death of the Queen, Thor’s mother and Loki’s adoptive mother. This event, which sends Asgard into mourning, reunites the two brothers as Thor requires Loki’s assistance to leave Asgard through a secret path in search of revenge. The meeting between the two brothers here perhaps shines more of an insight into Loki than at any other point in the movies, his true sadness and grief masked to his brother via a more confident hologram, the real Loki trapped within his own image, the fulfilment of his wish to be truly excommunicated from his family feeling much more brutally horrific in reality than he had anticipated. When the hologram disappears, Thor bares witness to the rubble that remains of Loki’s life, the villain of two previous movies now the most sympathetic character in this second franchise entry.

Many quips, witty exchanges and sarcastic comments later, and it’s clear that the issue between Thor and Loki is that neither man can trust one another given their histories of keeping monumental secrets from one another.

Thor’s “I wish I could trust you again” is responded to with “trust my rage” by Loki in the midst of their reconciliation, the foundations of their life-long brotherhood holding strong even after such horrendous events. Thor can’t trust anything Loki says or does, but he can trust that he knows the parts that form the foundations of Loki’s character, and trusting Loki’s rage is something he can do.

Thor: The Dark World wasn’t as well received as a lot of other Marvel Cinematic Universe entries, but seeing Loki and Thor team together against the Dark Elves was very good fan service and perhaps the best example of Marvel pulling off a loveable anti-hero. It is because of this and the question of whether Loki was motivated by love and respect for his brother or his own selfish pursuit of freedom and the throne that the film’s conclusion, which sees Loki embody Odin’s likeness to finally take rule of Asgard, brings so much intrigue and joy.

We will also know soon what Loki did to Odin in Ragnarok…

Thor: Ragnarok (2017) & Avengers: Infinity War (2018) – A Path Towards Redemption

Thor: Ragnarok picks up where the last Thor instalment left off – Loki is on the throne of Asgard.

As ruler, he is careless about state matters and does not bother at all about the chaos of the nine realms; he just has fun impersonating Odin and painting himself as a benevolent ruler and the savior of Asgard – a hilarious addition to the Odin-son saga that sought to quickly erase much of the second film (which Thor actor Chris Hemsworth reportedly hated). Almost immediately Thor discovers that Loki is performing as Odin and the reset button is well and truly hit, comedic shenanigans set forth with Thor’s insistence upon Loki taking him to wherever he has deserted their father.

In the reuniting of the two sons with their father, Odin makes the point of calling both Loki and Thor “my two sons”, firmly bringing the Loki story-arc to a conclusion and affording the character the opportunity thereafter to find redemption with regards to Asgard and, most importantly, with regards to Thor. Unbeknownst to us, it would be the satisfying arc conclusion we didn’t see killing the character in the movie that followed… Infinity War.

Infinity War is the final stage of Loki’s character arc, Tom Hiddleston’s character already undergoing redemption in Ragnarok and needing that one last act of honourable defiance to solidify him as an ally to Thor once and for all.

At the beginning of the film, Loki chooses the life of his brother over that of the Tesseract knowing that he may plunge the universe into chaos by doing so and embracing his death in turn. Coloured with typical Loki trickery, the act of sacrificing himself to his former master Thanos in order to save Thor illustrates Loki’s overcoming of his darkness, the demons that plagued him quite literally exchanged for the light of the love given to him by his adoptive family. Here, Loki effectively tells Thor that above Earth, the Tesseract or indeed the universe, it is family (or more accurately his brother) that means the most to him, and that he’s willing to give his life to prove it.

Prove it he does, and Loki becomes one of the first casualties of Thanos’ reign of terror, the God of Mischief playing his final trick.

Or has he?

Perhaps the biggest question to come from the scene – other than “is he really dead this time?” – is “why did Loki take the Tesseract in the first place? Was he not redeemed in Ragnarok like we thought he was? Does he know something we don’t know?

Perhaps this is something to be theorised over in the future or, perhaps more realistically, this moment simply serves as the final reminder of Loki’s ongoing internal struggle, the taking of the Tesseract emblematic of a character eternally at odds with himself, the good overcoming the bad at the most testing of moments to prove that evil may have consumed him at different stages but that it never owned him.

“I assure you brother, the sun will shine on us again.”

#tom hiddleston #loki #thor #avengers #thor: the dark world #thor: ragnarok #infinity war #avengers: endgame #endgame #marvel #mcu #loki series #loki tv series

[duhragonball]

DBZA Episode 60, part 2

I have some mixed feelings about this one, so I figured I’d do another commentary and explain why.

First off, the biggest disappointment of this segment was that it did not feature a bitchin’ cover of Bruce Faulconer’s “Gohan Fights Frieza.”

I can almost imagine the intra-office debate over this when Team Four Star planned Episode 60.  Lanipator digs the Faulconer score of the U.S. dub, while Kaiserneko seems to only barely tolerate it.  We’ve gotten covers of Faulconer’s SSJ Vegeta theme, and a version of Perfect Cell’s Faulconer theme, and maybe a couple of others I can remember off the top of my head, so it seemed like a bitchin’ cover of “Gohan Fights Frieza” was inevitable.   For my money it’s one of the crown jewels of the U.S. dub. 

In case you’re not familiar with the song, let me explain the title real quick.   It’s called “Gohan Fights Frieza”, but it was never actually used during the Frieza saga.   It actually debuted during the Funimation dub of the Garlic Junior Saga, when Gohan starts kicking the crap out of Garlic’s henchmen.  From there, it sort of became the “Gohan kicks ass” theme, and it was used again when Gohan defeated Garlic, Jr. himself, and again during the flashback to Gohan colliding with an apple tree as a baby.  But those are kind of obscure moments, so everyone tends to think of it as the song they used when SSJ2 Gohan demolished the Cell Juniors and toyed with Perfect Cell.  After that, it returned for Gohan’s climactic fight with Super Buu, and then they just started using it in battles Gohan wasn’t actually in.  

My guess is that Bruce Faulconer composed the track to accompany the Gohan vs. Frieza sequences on Namek, or possibly the episode where Gohan dreamed about Frieza, but someone’s plans changed.   Fun fact: Faulconer composed a really awesome theme for Future Trunks, but it never actually gets used in the U.S. dub.  There’s a reprise of the song when Goku teleports Cell off the Earth, but that’s about it.   Not sure why they didn’t use it, but oh well.

And this may have had something to do with the decision to not use it in Episode 60.  If they’d had AinTunez cover it, would be kind of awkward to use the name.  “Hey, if you liked watching Gohan fight Cell, check out AinTunez cover of “Gohan fights Frieza”, now available on iTunes. 

More likely though, TFS simply couldn’t use the song because it didn’t fit the pacing of the episode.  Abridged!Gohan murders the Cell Juniors with a frightening efficiency, and the music they did use for those scenes was ominous and quiet, which helps emphasize Gohan’s lines.  “Gohan Fights Frieza” worked precisely because Gohan had very little to say while it was playing.   He just starts clobberin’ guys and this badass theme starts playing over it.  There just wouldn’t have been a good spot in the episode to put it, or at least a segment of the song long enough to justify its use. 

So after the Cell Juniors were killed, I thought they might have been saving GFF for the battle with Perfect Cell, but no go.  That battle is even more efficient, with Cell getting zero offense in for the entire fight.  To be sure, Cell couldn’t hurt Gohan in the original version, and most of their fight was Gohan simply toying with Cell, and Cell’s attacks would only connect when Gohan allowed it.   It’s one of the longest fights in Dragon Ball, but most of it is Cell getting increasingly frustrated as he slowly realizes he’s outclassed.  In the Abridged version, Cell doesn’t even get to pretend he’s in a fight.  Here’s a blow-by blow of the fight in Episode 60:

Gohan lands a left punch into Cell’s abdomen.

Gohan follows up with a right uppercut to Cell’s chin.

Gohan kicks Cell in the face.

Cell tries to destroy the earth with a Kamehameha, which Gohan blocks with his own Kamehameha.

Cell throws one punch at Gohan, which misses.  Gohan hits him in the abdomen with a knee strike, causing him to vomit up 18.

Gohan lands another knee strike to Cell’s head, and that’s when Cell prepares to self-destruct.

I haven’t gone over the original footage very carefully, but I know the “Gohan Fights Frieza” song was used right before #3 on that list.  Cell threw a kick, and Gohan caught his shin in one hand and started revving up, which gave the music a chance to get going.   In Episode 60, you get none of that.  Gohan just kicks him in the face cold, which is just brutal.  There’s no time for catchy theme music or powering up.   Cell never even has a chance to try to defend himself.  He can’t even get a decent banter going.  The wild thing is that TFS actually cut some of Gohan’s offense, probably because it followed Cell offense that they wanted to cut out of their version.

I’m kind of torn on this, because on the one hand, it’s very different from what happened in the original version, but on the other hand it’s brilliant use of the footage.  Gohan didn’t hit Cell that many times, but every blow staggered him or left him reeling.  If you cut out everything in the fight that doesn’t matter, all you’re left with is a very short sequence of Gohan mugging Cell and waiting for him to get back up.  It reduces Cell to a punching bag, which is a suitable punishment for all the bad things he’s done up to this point.  And it highlights Gohan’s distaste for fighting.   He’s made up his mind to kill Cell, and to make him suffer, but he’s not going to draw this out any longer than necessary. 

Still, I think this approach misses some of the beauty of the original.   It’s captivating to watch Cell get suckered into thinking he has a chance.  Gohan indulges him at first, but then it becomes clear that Cell can’t touch Gohan, so he finally reveals his full power to turn the tables, only that doesn’t work either.  He tries to destroy the Earth, and when that fails, he just goes beserk, which only hastens his demise.   By that point, Cell is completely out of options, except to just slug it out until Gohan sees fit to kill him.   He’s completely trapped, and he knows it, and watching him squirm is what makes that fight so great.   By distilling the fight down to six minutes, TFS reduced it to its essence, but I think they may have lost something along the way. 

Then again, maybe it emphasizes enough other things to make up for it.  One of the things I loved about the original is that you can explain the length of the fight by Gohan’s reluctance to kill Cell.  As much as he’s making him suffer, I think he’s dragging things out in the hope that Cell will surrender, or that someone else will finish him off for him.  The Abridged version makes Gohan much more resigned to killing Cell, and so when he puts it off, it’s because he’s so angry about being put in this situation.  It makes Goku’s apology to him resonate more.

Also, condensing the entire Gohan/Cell encounter to the ~1 hour runtime of Episode 60 helps to reinforce the themes of cowardice vs. courage.   Characters called Gohan a coward for holding back in part 1, but he had good reason to fear unleashing his hidden powers.    In part 2, he failed to beat Cell and his dad had to die to make up for his bad judgement.   Nevertheless, the situation is far better with Gohan using SSJ2 than not, but it shows that he wasn’t just being a scaredy cat before.  

In the end, Gohan proved he wasn’t a coward by facing his fears, even though they were justified fears.   If you want a coward, look at the guy who yammered on and on about how much he wanted a worthy challenge, then ragequit as soon as he got one. 

Say what you will about Vegeta, but when he got his ass kicked by Frieza, he took his medicine, even when Frieza offered to spare him in exchange for his fealty.   When 18 turned the tables on Vegeta, he kept trying.   When he let Cell become perfect and it backfired on him, he kept on fighting, even when he knew it would be hopeless.  When Cell finds himself in the same boat, he turns into a total chickenshit, and it’s a glorious thing to see.  This guy just wanted a fight because he was bored, not because he truly enjoys the challenge of facing a superior opponent.  Being an artificial life form, he has no idea how to face defeat.   If he had any pride or self-respect, then he might face the consequences with some dignity.   If he had any morality or compassion, he might plead for forgiveness and learn something from his humiliation.   

But Cell can’t do any of that.   Like Gohan, he’s got a bit of a superiorty complex going, but where  Gohan can grow up and move beyond his flaws, Cell lacks that ability.  He keeps throwing himself at obstacles and then getting upset when he runs into one that doesn’t give way.  

In closing, Faulconer score rules, fite me.   Good night.

#dragon ball #dragon ball z abridged #team four star #dbz abridged

[reyloforcebalance]

Bonded Chapter 22: Becoming

The newest chapter to my Reylo fanfic (rated T). If you want to check out the previous chapter’s, here’s the link to AO3!

“Bullshit!”

Poe jerks a chair out and swiftly takes a seat, leaning over the table with fire in his eyes.

“It’s true.” Finn shrugs his shoulders, sitting back casually, his expression impassive. “Everyone’s been talking about it. How are you just hearing about it now?”

“Bullshit,” Poe repeats, ignoring Finn’s question.

“Look man, I’m telling you the truth.” Finn sits up a bit, leaning in. “If you don’t believe me, just ask anyone else on this base.” He gestures at the room as though this demonstrates his point, but a second later, he looks around and realizes it’s practically empty, all of the hologame tables and lounge seats completely bare.

Suddenly, a door whirs open and a young woman strides in, heading straight for the kitchen compartments, absently running a hand over her black curls as she goes.

“Daja, you’ve been at the base all day, right?” Poe stands abruptly, pushing out the chair behind him.

“Yeah, where have you been?” Daja snipes back with her signature bite, not even so much as glancing at him.

“I’ve been out with Rey trying to fix that damn transmitter!” He practically yells this, hands flying out on either side of him.

Daja doesn’t react, continuing on to open a compartment and begin rifling around.

“So, is it true?” Poe cocks his head, looking over at her.

“Is what true?” Daja’s back is still to him as she searches the compartment.

Poe immediately scoffs. “If it were true, you’d know exactly what I was talking about.” He turns his head sharply to shoot Finn an accusing look. His friend just rolls his eyes in response.

“Oh,” Daja remarks, sounding bored. “You must mean Kylo Ren being awarded the Heart of Delphon.” She pulls a large, silver container out of the compartment and turns to face Poe. “Yeah, that’s true,” she informs him casually. She gives a short nod, then turns to place the container on the counter. “Their Premier announced it this morning. He’s a real humanitarian, that Kylo Ren,” she says dryly, searching through another compartment now.

Poe’s face falls, stricken with disbelief. He drops to the chair again, shell-shocked, eyes blankly staring into nothing. Finn watches him for a few moments, concerned, then leans forward a bit.

“You ok, buddy?” He asks, nodding towards him. Poe shakes his head briskly as if trying to wake up from a dream. Or a nightmare.  

“Has this entire galaxy gone insane!?” He asks to no one in particular, that fire returning to his eyes. “I mean…” He gapes, completely at a loss. “Is this even the same galaxy? Or did someone just erase the last ten years? Am I the only one who remembers the rise of the First Order— Snoke, the Knights of Ren, death, destruction, Starkiller, Hosnian!” His voice grows louder with every word he speaks.

“No, you’re not the only one,” Finn says with a sigh. “You’re just…” His voice trails off as he chooses his next words carefully. “One of the few who actually wants to do something about it,” he finishes in a low voice.  

Poe immediately lets out a roar of frustration, beating his fist on the table.

“It’s just such bullshit!” He spits out the words in fury. “How can people have such short memories!? How can people ignore everything else they’ve done!? I mean, the First Order does one or two semi-decent things and all off the sudden—” Poe croaks, not sure how to finish the sentence. He sputters for a moment, then covers his eyes with a hand. “It’s unbelievable.” He slides his palm down his face, shaking his head. “And now Kylo Ren is being awarded an honor that he didn’t even come close to earning—”

“Actually, he did.” Daja interrupts, pulling out a chair next to Finn and sitting down at the table, shaking a slim, silver cylinder, mixing some sort of drink.

“What?” Poe twitches, irritated by the interruption.

“He did earn the Heart of Delphon,” she says matter-of-factly, still shaking the cylinder.

“Why?” Poe challenges, leaning over the table with a fiery glare. “Because he blasted the Black Hole gang into space? So what?”

“No.” Daja shrugs her shoulders. “Because he blasted the Black Hole gang into space and saved over ten thousand lives in the process.” Poe instantly furrows his eyebrows.

“Wait. What?” He balks at Daja.

“See, Poe, this is your problem.” Daja twists off the top of the cylinder and takes a swig of her drink. “You’re passing judgement on a situation before even bothering to get the details.”

“I don’t need any details.” Poe insists, raising his voice. “A brutal dictator doesn’t deserve a humanitarian award. Period.” Daja rolls her eyes as he finishes speaking.

“Do you even know what the Heart of Delphon is?” She sets her drink down. “It’s an honor given to anyone who significantly improves the lives of the planet’s population.” She answers without waiting for a response. “Kylo Ren did that. So, he earned it. Simple.”  

“Listen,” Poe begins in a patronizing tone. “Black Hole was a menace. Everyone knows that. But just because Kylo Ren took five seconds out of his day to give approval for a couple of TIE fighters to blast their bases to smithereens doesn’t mean—”

“That’s not what happened, actually.” This time, Finn is the one who interrupts.

“So, what? What’d he do?” Poe challenges again, clearly exasperated. Finn shares a brief side glance with Daja before sitting up in his chair.

“Well,” Finn starts, crossing his arms. “He didn’t blow up the Black Hole bases. He went in with ground troops this time.”

“Yeah. Ok.” Poe sounds impatient and unimpressed.

“So, Black Hole controlled all the mines on Delphon, right?” Poe nods his head in acknowledgement. “They have over ten thousand slaves working down there, most of them just people they captured in raids.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know,” Poe says dismissively. “Black Hole’s heartless.”

“Exactly.” Finn leans over the table. “They’re heartless. So, when the First Order showed up and surrounded their bases, they emptied out the mines completely, drove all the slaves to the outer edges of the bases to make a human wall.” For the first time, Poe looks genuinely intrigued. He sits back in his chair with a puzzled expression.

“Ok…” He looks off into nothing, trying to work out something in his mind. “So how did the First Order get through without killing all of them?” Finn clicks his tongue and raises his eyebrows.

“As it turns out,” he starts with begrudging admiration. “The troops surrounding the bases were just a decoy to get the gang to empty out the mines. Apparently, the First Order knew a secret way in and their special forces snuck into the bases from underground. So, when the fighting started, the slaves were all outside, away from the battle. Not a single one of them died.”

“Gotta appreciate a clean victory like that.” Daja casually takes another swig of her drink. “Even if it is Kylo Ren.” Finn grunts.

“The bastard’s brilliant sometimes,” he remarks wryly, looking down.  

“Oh yeah,” Poe snipes sarcastically. “The bastard’s brilliant, alright.” He leans over the table again. “You know what this is, don’t you? A distraction. It’s all just one big decoy.” He articulates the last words with a bite. “Do you think Kylo Ren actually cares about those people’s lives?” Both Daja and Finn immediately shake their heads, the latter mouthing the word “no”.

“Of course not!” Poe slaps a hand on the table. “It’s part of a pattern, you see. Think about it.” He points to Finn. “Remember when he took out the Merdos Syndicate in the Minos Cluster and the whole galaxy just fawned over it?” Finn nods his head wordlessly. “Well, what happened not two days after that?”

“They invaded the Salient system,” Daja answers, beating Finn to the punch.

“Right!” Poe points at Daja now. “And they completely demolished Zidon. Zidon!?” He gestures wildly with both hands. “They’ve been protecting the people in that system for years. If it weren’t for them, half the population would have starved! But did the galaxy kick up a fuss about that?” Both Finn and Daja shake their heads again, almost in exact unison.

“Nope.” Poe articulates the word. “They were all too busy fawning over the Minos Cluster. Then a couple of weeks later—bam!” He slaps the table again, so loudly that Finn jumps a little. “He does it again. He starts by going after those pirates in Bonaden and while the galaxy is busy cheering him for it, they take out the Brotherhood in Felucia. And thanks to those stupid holos,” Poe spits out the words in disgust, “most of the galaxy doesn’t know the difference between an organization like the Brotherhood and Black Hole. They’re all just gangs.” He makes a sweeping gesture with his hand. “How can people be so blind!? How can they not see what he’s doing!?”

“Ok, that right there,” Daja sits up in her chair. “That’s another one of your problems, Poe.” She points at him.

“What!?” Poe immediately protests. “That I give a damn about what’s actually going on? Is that it? It that a problem for you?”

“Listen.” Daja rests her forearms on the table. “You see the big picture, Poe, and that’s great. I wish more people were like that. But they’re not. You think big, but most people in the galaxy… they think small.” Daja shrugs their shoulders. “Most of them live and die on the same planet. Do you think they care about what’s going on in a system on the other side of the galaxy?” Poe doesn’t answer, instead dropping his shoulders and sitting back in his chair, looking miserable.

“She’s right,” Finn agrees reluctantly. “I hate to say it, man, but most people are only worried about themselves— saving their own skin and protecting the people they care about. Trust me.” He looks way with a flash of shame. “I understand the impulse.”

“Exactly,” Daja chimes in. “The people on Delphon right now.” She grunts. “They don’t care about what’s going on in Salient or Felucia. All they know is that the Black Hole gang wreaked havoc on their planet for decades, stealing resources, stealing people, capturing their sisters and brothers and moms and dads to force them to work in the mines, and now…?” She tilts her head. “All of those people are going home. Because of Kylo Ren. When you think about it, you understand why they see him as a hero right now.” Poe groans as he leans over, resting one hand on the table and burying his face in the other.

“Hey.” Suddenly, Daja’s voice becomes gentle as she reaches over to put a hand on Poe’s. “I’m not telling you to stop fighting the good fight. You’ll do that no matter what because that’s just who you are. But if you want to win this war…?” She hunches her shoulders a bit, waiting for him to drop his palm from his face. He finally does, rolling his head to the side and looking at her wearily. “You’ve gotta start thinking from the average person’s perspective.” She looks at him with a firm but encouraging gaze. “Because we need them. We need them to fight with us.”

Poe takes in a heavy breath, annoyed but also nodding his head in begrudging agreement. Daja squeezes his hand and gives him a sly smile.

“Don’t worry.” She squints at him knowingly as she withdraws her hand. “The tides will turn soon, especially when me and Rey get this anti-slavery initiative off the ground. Then, we’re gonna give ‘em hell. Isn’t that, right?”

Daja turns and nods over to Rey who’s been sitting silently at the end of the table, a couple of chairs down from the rest of the group. Not only has she not uttered a word this entire time, but she’s barely moved, shoulders hunched, hands clasped in her lap, staring off into nothing.

She jumps, startled when Daja suddenly addresses her. She looks up, her face a bit white, nodding a few times briskly before looking away. The rest of the crew turn towards her in their chairs.

“You know…” Poe starts slowly. “You’ve been awful quiet over there, Rey.”

“Yeah, even more than usual.” Finn leans forward. “What do you think about all this, about Kylo Ren winning the Heart of Delphon?” The three of them look at her expectantly, curious.

Read the rest on Ao3. 

#star wars #star wars fanfiction #star wars poe dameron #star wars finn #star wars rey #star wars resistance #post tlj #long post #read more #reylo #reylo fanfiction #reylofanfic #kylo ren #kylo x rey #ben solo #ben x rey

[violetsystems]

#personal

I finally wrapped up most of the damage from 2020.  Among all the pain and suffering I had to deal with from all sides, the financials were the most ambiguous.  I read all these thinks pieces about the lasting damage it has done to the American economy.  And then there’s the situations I find myself in that I am left to embrace alone.  The reality is that most people seem to think there’s nothing wrong with me.  Kind of like when I go to the dentist year after year and nobody ever says anything about fixing a crooked tooth.  They floss around it.   I feel them flossing around it.   I apparently wear the defects so well that they become me.  Whatever chunk was taken out of my life still keeps biting.  There are no shortage of victims in this day and age.  I’ve often had to read into the fact that nobody wants me to identify that way.  For some reason based on what people think they know about me there’s a judgement placed without my knowing it’s due process.  I’m laughably somewhere in the middle of everything through survival.  Getting into arguments online or in the street to prove points for yourself is a losing battle.  I have to realize the mindfuck of it all either way.  I’m constantly playing damage control in a world that shoots itself in the foot to feel alive.  If I look back at how long I’ve survived on this planet, I can admit to myself I’ve seen worse outcomes.  To think a year ago, I was in a stable job with a stable amount of debt I couldn’t quite escape the gravity from.  It was always me alone grinding to try and do that.  And to this day how many ever stories you’ve heard about me across the world don’t really pay the bills or encourage people to treat me like a human being.  I deal with people following me around and trying to communicate in ways I never consented to daily.  Everybody’s vampiric instinct for some sort of intelligent connection is at my footstep every ten feet when I go out for groceries.  People overstep the boundaries so much I’ve had to rewrite them for myself for protection.  Now I’m boxed into cheap rent with no guarantees and everybody’s opinion about me on eleven.  It’s the type of shit that would make anyone go nuts.  Let alone everyone struggling for pieces of your power so they can have the upper hand in terms of social dominance.  I get it.  Almost too much.  I live in a city where egos flare up every day.  There’s no shortage of people spray painting gang symbols in pink all over my alley because somebody made the mistake of getting it fucking twisted.  I have to walk through that aftermath and know it all.  That everything I say or do is watched, taken out of context, manipulated to start shit because somebody feels some type of way about shit they do not know the repercussions of.  People get shot in my city every day.  I walk alone.  Sometimes I take the bus when somebody is up in my face with something to prove on an abandoned street.  My imperfections of which there are many aren’t ever going to save me.  My brain does.  And of the most sexy things in this world beyond my greying hair, my coffee stained imperfect dentistry or my pockmarked skin, I am human too.  I live in a country where everyone envy’s the ability to speak freely without being taken to the stake for it.  That’s always been a lie.  I live that lie and dodge it every day.  And there are no real door prizes for second place in that battle except dwindling health care benefits and a lump sum pension.

On the other hand, through all this I continue to make magic happen.  I’m sure people can romanticize how it feels.  There are times when it feels like I’m worth it.  Everybody wants to roast you out here to feel better about themselves.  I’d rather have girls show off their makeup tutorials in safety around me than deal with your petty online hierarchies.  And this is what happens on a very hyperlocal level.  People out here know what I’m about for better or for worse.  It’s called the internet.  People all over the world seem to have an opinion about what makes me tick after I’ve spent over three years writing my heart and soul in three paragraphs on the internet.  And yet I’m still the enemy.  I’m still someone you don’t quite trust.  Someone you more than often throw under the bus because I can take it.  Or there’s something I haven’t been through yet that makes me less threatening.  To break me first so you can control me.  And yet here I am out here with the remote control to my own life boarded into a fiscal cage.  I’ve gone from worrying about money to worrying about when to switch to single payer healthcare.  I’ve gone from holding down the fort to wanting to pack up my cat and  leave completely.  And I will have nothing holding me back.  No hurt feelings.  No vampiric lust for revenge or closure.  No desire to be understood or seen.  People abuse me every day in public and online as their own personal punching bag because they don’t have the strength or the will to practice on the real enemy.  The same enemy I’ve been fighting up close and persona for years.  Does this make me a beast?  Yes.  It makes me far more powerful than anybody would ever know.  And yet I know the reality.  I’ve lived it in my own city for years.  People do not want people to be strong without some sort of failsafe device.  Some secret way to cancel their mutant powers.  Some word or phrase to break them when they fear the freedom and power running through their veins.  Most of the time when that happens I’m paying my bills on time while holding back endless waves of childhood trauma living and growing up weak, smart, and awkward in America.  And here I am still awkwardly unaccepted unless I submit.  Unless I show some sort of weakness I haven’t already conquered.  I’m defective just like you.  But somehow it’s inconvenient for you to approach the reasons you can’t see that.  You’d rather lump me in with everyone else and throw your shot.  You take the hail mary play I’ve seen time and time again from people who secretly are uncomfortable with me winning.  You try to make your bluff at the poken table and I have the winning hand.  Soon I just realize it’s not worth my time playing.  I find another table to saunter off to that doesn’t reward on house rules.  And here I am out here again winning in spite of all the shit you people constantly talk on your secret club house forums.  You might even take away bits and pieces of my own arguments over the years and use them against me.  And where do you end up?  In the same pitiful and tired argument over and over again.  Nobody is going to lift you up from the graves being built around you other than you.  This is what I have learned and have to process every day.  The last eleven months have been barren at best.  And yet I have no hope of it getting any better.  I’m hurt,  A pain that I’ve been able to manage by removing myself from culture that pokes and prods the scars.  Like they’re doing you a favor while they watch you sink.  Throwing rocks at the body floating down the river.  Me playing dead long enough to run away.

If you want me to be honest, it pisses me off how worthless it is to argue anymore.  To jump into this week’s political thought piece.  To argue what a bunch of rich people vote on and why.  To feel like you are part of any sort of people’s revolution that literally plays a ranking game in terms of suffering.  America is good at valuing things.  We take it to the extreme and drown everyone out in the process.  The whole world is learning from us.  And yet America and Americans are a diverse bunch.  About the only thing I can tell you about America that is working right now is the IRS.  That and my bank investigating just how many times I’ve been a target of fraud..  You’d think after all these words typed out into the internet that someone would realize I’m just as much of a victim as some people.  Maybe not in the same way.  But people would rather nitpick and point the finger to divert the attention from themselves.  And the eye of fucking Sauron is always on me.  Not you.  You do not understand the weight of that statement that I live with everyday.  Everyone has a fucking problem with me now.  I have to walk through that brutal street catwalk every day in a city that would rather shoot you than discuss it’s feeling about the situation.  And yet I’m supposed to feel sorry for everyone first.  I’m supposed to watch my tongue for the secret internet and cultural police that control who wins and who loses.  Did I forget to mention I live in America?  The country everyone lauds as being the freest place in the universe.  I’ll give you a hint.  It is.  I fucking live it.  I talk and write about it too.  And my voice is heard around the fucking planet without anybody having the least respect for how it plays out in my life.  I could have died many times over because somebody had to use my life to prove a point.  And it’s collapsed into a void in which I am trapped while everyone continues to throw stones.  Everyone except the people I love.  And the people that love me back.  I’m being real with you.  I stick my neck out every waking moment to live the life I believe is real.  And there are no guarantees.  No expectations.  No hope or clearly worded rules or communication on how to progress.  And week after week. Tooth after chipped and crooked tooth I speak my mind.  I walk with accountability while people stare at the fucking ground.  I live in a loneliness so deep and intense that ghosts still speak volumes.  Things will never be forgotten no matter how silent I become.  And yet people talk over it like I’m already dead.  They stop at nothing to invade my life and defile every chance for me to not fade away.  What in these three paragraphs to you defines me as the enemy?  Because I have more power to make my dreams come true?  Do you want to put yourself into the hell of walking in my shoes?  Do you want to wander these streets without a weapon other than your kindness and patience?  Do you lie awake at night thinking you will die alone without anyone having the reading comprehension to know what it is you are going through.  I will answer this for you.  No you don’t.  Because you will see the exact hell that I know very well.  No one saves you in this life but you.  No one will pick you up out of the hole other than you.  Nobody will tell you when you look in the mirror alone that you are beautiful other than you.  To live with that knowledge and to take it out on other people is fucked.  To judge other people you don’t even know who exhaust themselves to explain is a losing battle for attention.  You should already know the simple fucking answer.  Because I’m worth it.  And I’m sick of beating myself up for people who think they are the only ones in pain.  I’m dying here.  Mostly from lack of open space and personal freedoms.  Sounds like any other country you know other than America.  Home of the free.  I’m going to go exercise my freedoms on these weights.  Because gravity holds pity on noone.  And it’s easier to fall than to rise.  That takes works regardless of how you were born into this world.  Let’s stop fighting each other and pay more attention to the planet.  You’ve already caused enough damage biting off more than you can chew. <3 Tim

[perfectackeracy]

Shingeki no Kyojin chapter 99 review (+ theories)

This is it: the beginning of the end.

This chapter kickstarts the current objectives of the warriors through Zeke’s plan and Eren’s intrusion at the festival. Throughout the chapter, there was a current feeling of uneasiness running through my spine. I knew this chapter wasn’t going to be pleasant, but I really fear someone is going to die next chapter. Be it Falco who lived his usefulness to Eren, Pieck or Porco who fell into a trap by some sort of mysterious enemy, or anybody in the crowd.

Why yes, I feel that at the end of chapter 100, several people are going to pull out their titan form. Welcome to the Eldian wars 2.0!

Content-wise, it was rich: the true History of the world came to light, so did Eren’s identity. The situation of the deceased or dying warriors’ parents was revealed, Pieck’s unit has a fanclub, some mysterious soldier has been spotted and the warriors are currently being targeted.

Eren and Reiner’s meeting

Before the play

During the speech

The History of the World

Summary

Follow me under the cut!

Not doing any WTF CR because we all know there’s a grammatical fuckup elsewhere that gets fixed in the Kodansha version.

Eren and Reiner’s meeting

Eren rubbing salt in Reiner’s wounds - Ch. 99

That was my worst fear from last month and it turned out to be more awful than I thought: what Eren is doing is not only preventing Reiner to pull out his titan: he’s holding the Marleans in the building as hostages and making Reiner listen to the whole story, just to give him a taste of his own medicine.

The chapter doesn’t start immediately on their dialogue. As unexpected as it was, we’ve got a flashback continuing from Bertolt’s theory about that hanged man. It ended on Bertolt’s gut telling the hanged man wanted some judgement on his actions, right when we’re cutting back to the present time. That still doesn’t confirm whether Reiner or Annie killed the hanged man, but it nails us on Bertolt’s interpretation being correct and Reiner becoming this man for a short moment. Before being found dead, he told the warrior trio his sin: running away and leaving up three kids. This is what Reiner did on a bigger scale: he left his three companions on Paradis, and he’s constantly fearing someone might come at him for that. That’s why Reiner kept torturing himself over unconsciously helping Eren up. That’s why he tried to kill himself two chapters ago. And now that Eren is right in front of him, he’s having a mental breakdown, trembling and shaking.

Reiner losing control - Ch. 99

Eren, well, as I suspected, didn’t let his rage go. I’m very pleased with what Isayama is doing with him as an antagonist. First of all, he doesn’t let suspicions up and is exploiting Falco’s naivety, so he can become his aide. Then, upset at his grandpa because he asked Eren to leave Falco alone, he brought up his regrets, as a jab against him. Lastly, in this chapter, he’s parroting Reiner’s previous wishes (making it home) and words (“We were only children, we didn’t know anything”) as a twist of the knife in the wound, while holding him and Falco hostages and implying the reason as to why he came here (wiping all his enemies out).

Such hatred in his eyes – Ch. 99

He doesn’t let out a single sweat drop, not even after Willy’s extra lines. He’s pretty much determined. I couldn’t help but think he was pissed to be ratted out like that, but that just means he’s going to unleash the rage of his titan very soon. Of course, the whole history doesn’t come at any surprise to him: he got it from Grisha’s memories and Kruger’s. The history, the Great War, the king fleeing to Paradis, the reason why Marley sent warriors on Paradis… the extra segment however was supported by two sources: Dina’s testimony about her line disagreeing with Karl Fritz’s and… this.

“How dare she tell me to bow down like that?“ - Ch. 90

Now we’ve got an explanation for Eren’s reaction in chapter 90. The words said on stage were Karl Fritz’ vow, heard four years ago from Frieda’s mouth. Frieda was basically telling Grisha to accept their fate, because no one can atone enough for the sins Paradis went through. Grisha and Eren, whose mindset was incompatible with the King’s got pissed and swore revenge on the ones humiliating them: be it the King, Marley or the whole world. That’s how they intend to regain their dignity but doing so would wake the Eldian Empire up. No matter how advances technology is now, the threat of wall titans steamrolling the world is real.

My only wish for Eren at this point is to become… fucking brutal. Throughout his journey on Paradis, he was mostly kidnapped and was often assisted in his battles. Now that he awoken the Coordinate, I’m pretty much expecting him to steamroll a whole crowd with his titan limbs alone. I want his threat in chapter 90 to have weight or else he’s going to be just a joke instead of a lethal joke who should’ve never been granted divine powers.

Before the play

The actors’ lodge - Ch. 99

Willy’s personality gets even more fleshed as, not only a charismatic man, but a nervous one. To be frank, in his situation, anybody would be: he was about to reveal the truth to the whole world, with a high chance of failure if he wasn’t convincing enough. That and adding the truth according to the memories inherited by the Tybur family puts on more weight.

Kiyomi cheering for Willy - Ch. 99

It was nice to see that the Asian lady, Kiyomi Azumabito, came to encourage him. I didn’t expect her to gain any more relevance after her incident with Udo, but it turns out that yes. And while she remains polite she doesn’t seem to support Marley fully, aware that the contents of the play are made to restore the Eldians’ dignity. She knows they’re treated like dirt. She doesn’t need to hear more: her visit is over.

Another surprise from the side of the privileged guests:

This man - Ch. 99

Seriously, it’s been years we were waiting for him and he’s finally appearing in the flesh. Annie’s father. The main reason why she wanted to come back. And the only resemblance they share is the size (he’s smaller than Karina) and the eye shape. He’s walking with a cane which is pretty like Annie’s story in her VN. I guess it’s considered as canon evidence, then? He’s living up to his prestige, but still pretty much in denial about his daughter not coming back. I guess that solidifies the possibility that Annie’s crystal is a death seal, then.

Also, can Bertolt’s family get any more depressing? We’ve got indications of his family and one of his parents (referred as male in the CR translation) was bedridden and passed away. The popular theory is Bertolt becoming an honorary Marlean to help his sick parent at first. That would imply he was a Gabi-type of prodigy: the ones you don’t see for decades. It’s likely they passed away, giving up any hopes their son would show up again. I’d still love to have a picture though. Maybe in a future flashback, because the families met for Reiner’s return from Paradis, alone.

I gotta add: the Hoovers and the Leonharts are the perfect representations of their fanbase. Papa Leonhart deeply believes Annie is alive and is desperate for her return with every day passing, while Hoover-san was proud of his caring son and ended up dying (inside and out).

The warriors’ on their seats - Ch. 99

We also have a look at the general assembly. The army, the politicians, the diplomats… everybody assisted at Willy’s public declaration. With many people of importance, the security must be airtight. Indeed, it’s the perfect opportunity to launch an attack and make a maximum of damages.

And then the curtain rises, things are already off…

During the speech

The end of the original speech - Ch. 99

Just as the curtain rose, the cadets noticed Reiner and Falco’s absence. And shortly after that, some mysterious soldier appears to separate the warriors from the main scene. Clearly, this can’t be a coincidence: Eren wanted Reiner to listen to the speech in a basement full of people, this soldier appears as the trumpets were blown to separate Zeke, Pieck and Porco from the cadets. The latter is a signal. It’s a coup planned. By who is an excellent question.

Magath ordered reports from the most insignificant anomaly because his suspicions were high as soon as Zeke warned him about Eren. And not just Eren: the same “mice” from his colony. General Calvi was quickly alerted at the end of Willy’s speech.

Then, this fake soldier called Zeke “Yeager” and ordered him to go at the front gate. Pieck recognizing him and Zeke being called that way already ticked these two off. Something is up.

Pieck’s panzer unit - Ch. 99

And because something is up, Pieck let a warning sign to her dear panzer unit. Best girl has a fanclub even in this dark, dark world. That’s lovely. What I noticed is this soldier trapping Porco and Pieck right before Willy begins his second and unexpected segment. The one ratting Eren publicly and explicitly.

My question is: who is Eren’s ally? Someone from Paradis or someone from Kruger’s old network of restorationists?

I still have trouble believing it’s someone from Paradis. Namely someone from the SC. Many people argued about him being Connie, but considering how people grow in this manga, you can’t expect him to be suddenly 20 cm taller in four years, when the growth spurt goes at 4 cm at best. Besides, it’s not the correct eye color. Connie has lighter eyes; this guy has darker eyes. Plus joining Eren at this point implies he would’ve gotten some edge during the timeskip and that guard feels very OOC for him.

It’s hard to think it can be someone from Paradis at all: until the whole colonization of Paradis took place, their inhabitants had no contact with the outside world. And even then, the island is isolated. You can’t just enter the country and organize a plan with tight surveillance around when you barely know how the underground networks in Marley function. Even the warriors needed some time before acting. The SC? They’re a mess: it’s going to be hard for Eren to find people in there who agree with him. The only exception I can see is Levi because it gives him an excuse to die. Otherwise, with Hange at command, fat chances.

The best bet is someone from Kruger’s old network. I doubt the restorationist movement died with how Marley treats Eldians, currently. The last purge with Grisha made it more quiet, but some people just wait for the messiah to come back to deliver them and make Eldia great again. What if this person was the one piloting one of the missing ships and simply took Eren with him? He doesn’t even have to report his arrival. Just sail somewhere where he can’t be found. The only hints I have of him belonging to the restorationists are A) calling Zeke “Yeager” because Zeke is well-known for destroying their movement 20 years ago, on top of being their former leader’s son and B) Him having no interest to chat with the Eldians, as a reflection of Marley’s mentality on Eldians in the restorationists’ point of view.

I’m willing to buy the hypothesis Eren found his own fanclub, thirsting on freedom and restoring Eldia’s pride. Would be an interesting turn of events to see Eren becoming the leader of his own party.

Lastly, I want to talk about the contents of Willy’s piece itself.

The History of the World

King Karl Fritz CXLV - Ch. 99

From Zeke’s plan, Willy originally had to mention about how much of a threat the island of Paradis was, so the reputation of Eldians would be preserved. However, there was one pebble slipping in Zeke’s plan while he was making an announcement: Eren. Hence why Zeke modified the plan with Magath’s help, to target his younger brother, specifically.

The play goes exactly as the books say: the Eldian Empire rose from Ymir Fritz’s ascension to power and escalated to the Great War after subjecting the world and inflict damages upon damages, with an extremely high body count from two thousand years ago: three times the current human population. Then, the houses holding each titan power began to fight each other for dominance.

What the books didn’t mention is how the civil war began. The first part of the play told us the legend of Helos: the Marlean hero who trampled the houses and made them destroy each other. He joined himself to the Tybur family and exiled Karl Fritz on Paradis. You have some symbolism between the legend and the reality: the reality features Magath, the new Helos, and Willy, the Tybur, fighting hand to hand to change Marley’s future and improve Eldians’ lives, through interior renovations. Add Zeke Fritz Yeager -who didn’t need to be tamed, he joined hands with these two- to the mix and you have the Peace trio (ZMW).

As the story goes, King Fritz took as many Eldians as he could and retreated to Paradis, where he forged the present society of the walls with his giant titans. Willy’s concluding his speech on a flashforward to the present. He omitted the part where the restorationists tried to crush Marley.

Willy taking a break - Ch. 99

Of course, he’s saving it for the second part.

The second part, the truth, is revealed to the world. The one saying King Karl Fritz CXLV gave up on the Eldian Empire. He took pity of the oppressed, conspired with the Tyburs and gave up on his functions, to live a life with his people on Paradis, to atone for his sins, and enjoy his peace with people who knew nothing of the world, enclosed in these walls till either his power gets taken away or the people inside the walls die.

“Along with the liberation of Marley from its many years of persecution. If Marley grows strong and attempts to take the lives of the royal family or its Founding Titan… I will accept it. If Marley wishes to exterminate all Eldians… I will accept it. That is how the Eldians’ crimes were. They could never be atoned for. Eldians… Titans… They never should have existed in the first place. I will accept the responsibility of righting this wrong. But. Until the day that this retribution comes, I want to live inside the walls… I want to enjoy this brief paradise, this world without conflict. Please, I ask that you only grant me this.”

He’s kinda like a saint. Except he’s condemning now ignorant people to death, these “fools” unaware of their past sins. And this is where he clashes with the beliefs of the Attack Titan, who would never accept such a thing: Kruger didn’t consider him as a true king because he abandoned his people, Grisha neither and he ended up eating Frieda and killing the whole Reiss family, Eren even less and that’s why he’s here.

The other people have trouble swallowing this. Reiner is aware of this because of the Tybur’s information and Annie’s infiltration job. Gabi and the others are quite shocked by that, so is Karina. Calvi is staring at the scene without frowning his eyebrows while other diplomats like Ogweno are perturbed. The chapter ends on Willy pointing out the real threat: the current holder of the Attack and Founding titans, Eren Yeager. He’s now framed as the world’s public enemy and can no longer hide in safety. Zeke cornered him all along.

The reason why Willy revealed Karl Fritz’s agenda is to paint him in a positive light, because his goals align with the world’s and the Mainland Eldians’ for atoning for their sins in war. However, it was only a matter of time before a bunch of people become so dissatisfied with his choice, they’re choosing to face the world, to stand up against it.

Summary

I find this clash of ideologies interesting. The King had initially good intentions, but the population would meet the enemy with utter incomprehension and clash with it. Zeke commented the King unfortunately played his people like a fiddle. Kruger, Grisha and Dina found the King shameful for abandoning its people outside and keeping them ignorant inside. Meanwhile, you have Marley who grew power-hungry and built its empire on the remnant of their Eldian soldiers and titan powers at disposition. While 6 -7 with the Attack- of the 9 houses were no more, it was their main weapon to crush their enemies. It even came to the point where they need to crush Paradis to gain resources. The Mainland Eldians accept their fate as a way of atonement and some are happy with it, despite Marley turning into the oppressor. Of course, Magath isn’t happy with it and wishes to reform the army. Willy also wishes to advance things and try to improve the Mainland Eldians’ lives. Zeke, the warchief, helps them. The third party is the restorationists, sick of being treated like martyrs and having to bow like dogs in front of their masters, so they conspire to overthrow the authority and honor their freedom, completely ignoring why they are in this situation. Of course, Zeke denounced them before they even tempted anything, but Paradis had to pay for it instead. And now Marley is under threat.

Considering what might happen… a Clash of Titans 2.0? Eren has now a couple of witnesses who spotted him and Falco became more than inconvenient. Wouldn’t surprise me if he tried to kill him. Him positioning just in the backstage is of no coincidence, especially when the warriors are separated. If anything, I think Eren is trying to kill/eat Willy. That’s the most reasonable conclusion I can make. He knows Reiner isn’t going to attempt anything because of the innocent civilians above their heads.

Listed the key points here.

Can you feel the death toll rising for next chapter? I sure can.

#snk 99 #snk spoilers #eren yeager #reiner braun #porco galliard #pieck #zeke yeager #willy tybur #kiyomi azumabito #karl fritz #snk #attack on titan #snk meta #meta #king fritz #zeke #eren #reiner #willy #kiyomi #porco #snk theory #theory #bertolt hoover #bertolt #annie leonhart #annie

[helloitsmefay]

Chapter 1: A Brutal Wake-Up Call

In the end of last year, I prayed that 2017 would be a great year filled with good memories, and valuable lessons. There was really nothing in particular that I prayed for. So while 2017 did serve up some pretty good moments, it did not forget to throw in a couple of learning curves, and honestly it really caught me sideways.

As nervous as I am to be writing this, I feel it is important to share stories that help. Stories that can give insight, and perspective. I went through a very dark time this year. The last time I felt this isolated and dark was a couple of years back when a certain medication I was on started exacerbating my already pre-existing symptoms. The different thing about this year was the severity of my condition.

It slowly began creeping up on me early this year until I finally knew what it felt like to hit “rock bottom”. You see, I had to hit rock bottom hard on my face to know how strong I was to get myself back up. Being in such a dark place tested my personality, my values, and my perspective. The whole embodiment of who I was and what I stood for was put to the test.  

I was pretty good at keeping everything under wraps until I started unraveling so much, I could no longer keep up with myself. And my mom’s dreaded fears materialised again, I was depressed. I know what it’s like to give up on everything, and everyone. It was a tough patch, but here I am now, in probably the clearest state of mind I have been in in such a while. It’s a slow recovery, but I believe there is no such thing as small progress. Every little thing counts as progress, and I kept my eyes right on the prize. While it felt like I lost the battle countless times, it was important I made sure I won the war.

Once I realised the following lessons I picked up this year, I swear things started getting easier. Our generation already carries so much it’s no surprised why we are so prone to getting overwhelmed, anxious and bloody burnt out at some point.

Here’s what this year helped me realize. I hope this post maybe gives you some insight, too.

1. Social Media is a double-edged sword.

Life is not what it always seems through someone’s instagram feed. That account that’s always traveling and that luxury account that always has a new bag purchase? They might be both heavily in debt and living with that crippling anxiety - but they’re so addicted to the attention they’ll sacrifice their peace for it. Nobody’s life is perfect. Even with my good judgement on most things, I still let the good and bad side to get to me. So, like pulling a splinter out of a wound, I stopped social media cold turkey, and took a break to focus on things that matter. Things that will give me perspective. I spent time with my family, I reconnected with some that I haven’t checked up on in a long time, I took a good look at who my real friends are and who really is worth investing irreplaceable time with. I took some time to get my life in order. It was refreshing. I never knew how addicted this generation was until I experienced the withdrawal myself and noticed how better I felt emotionally.

2. Don’t sell your real friends for “friends” with “benefits”

I don’t have to dive-in deep with this one. There is nothing more selfish and self-damaging in the long term by trading your friends for a social circle that serves a higher agenda to you. I know it’s easy to get sucked into peer pressure and feeling like you need to make it up the ranks. But you know, we need to learn to live with less of this ego and belief that we are entitled to this superiority on the expense of our real, and valuable relationships. The sad reality is that nothing concrete results from friendships like that. And once you don’t serve their agenda, you’ll be forgotten about and pushed out.

3. Stay the hell away from toxic people, regardless of their proximity to you.

We all know these kinds of people. The manipulative, jealous and two-faced type that consciously and subconsciously suck the energy right out of your bones (and braincells).  Two words: CANCEL THEM. It’s very important to weed people like them out of your life because you won’t realise just how much of a toll their negative energy and drama takes out of you until you get sidetracked from the good things happening in your life. Or until it’s too late and you’ve already sabotaged that. It’s never too late to realise you deserve better and that nobody who truly loves and appreciates you and your company would go to inexplicable lengths to directly or indirectly make your life miserable. Take no shit from anyone. I lost touch with who I considered toxic people in my life and honestly, I am doing much better in my relationships with people, and I am no longer bothered with their drama or being collateral damage as a result of their baggage.

4. Those who matter, will always be there.

I have come to learn in life that it’s not really about who you most spend time with, it’s about who stands with you when the time matters. I personally have friends that I really don’t keep in touch with, but when I come across adversity or even go after something, I find them there with me, having my back. Even if its down to a few people, you don’t need the acceptance of a village to give you support or validation. The older I get, the more I realize I am truly content with the love and support from the tight circle I have. Also, this made me feel no shame in asking for help when I was at my lowest point, because I knew this tight circle would help me back up on my two feet, and not judge me or patronize me, and that was such a relief. To be fair, having a genuine support system makes me feel like I can be a great version of myself around them both in the good times and in the bad times. Never equate the quality of your friendships with the quantity. I know I am bad at math and at calculating, but even I’ve figured this one out.

5. Give love, and you will get it back. Just don’t expect it from specific people.

I learned this year that love is the key, love is everything, love is what makes us, love is what grows us and love is what - as cheesy as it sounds - saves us. I am not talking specifically about romantic love, while that is a bonus, it’s not really everything. At some point in my life, I was bottled up with so much toxicity and negative feelings it was disrupting the true essence of who I was. I realised I was spending my time not pouring love into things or into people enough. From that moment, I made it a point in life to tell everyone who mattered to me that I loved them. Screw our culture’s fear of love! I went all in for it, guys and girls, I told them they mattered and that I love them, and I told them for the most time I saw them. Without putting into account their feelings, I felt really good when I projected those good vibes. When I made sure I knew I loved what I was wearing or doing, I felt better about myself and I indeed carried myself better, and saw the world in a more optimistic perspective. And to be honest, I didn’t put any expectation to get it back from certain people because that was not the point. It was something that I wanted to do with no expectation. However, the biggest mission of all though, is making sure every single day that I wholeheartedly love myself. There’s so much love to give to the world, and during these turbulent times with racism and discrimination, we need this. We need love. The Beatles had it all figured out in a line “All you need is love”. Love is the answer.

6. Finally, you do you.

First and foremost, you are your own best friend before anyone else. You are the focus of your story. Time wasted is time you will never have back, so why spend it doing things to satisfy others? Self-care is super important. Putting yourself on a pedestal is the best thing you can do for yourself. Beware of becoming borderline selfish, but it’s good to make time to yourself, and do things for yourself, and act the way you want to.. FOR YOURSELF. There is nobody else on this planet you owe moments of your life to. It will be really hard to get into this mindset at the start if you’ve been the kind that always was a people pleaser, and yes, I bet you it will be difficult and it might get you in a sticky situation or two. In the long run though, the peace of mind and lack of regret you will have will be the most priceless thing you can ask for. Screw society and conformity. You express yourself the way you see fit, and don’t let anyone’s words or actions invalidate your desire to be the person you want to be. I’m still working on this, but I am slowly seeing the results, and honestly, it’s worth it every time.  

#helloitsmefay #self care #advice #depression #mental health

[gofancyninjaworld]

OAV 2 Review: Fishing with the old boys

This was an excellent story that ties into many other developing themes in OPM.  Sorry, that means it’s going to be a bit long.  

Ah, and heroes are officially made of adamantium.

Story

It’s set a week after the catastrophic destruction of City A by the aliens (may there be an afterlife for Boros to be tormented forever in) with Atomic Samurai and Bang trying to fish in a lake. It quickly focuses on a key concern that both men have: they’re getting older and in the light of the ever-increasing threat monsters pose, who is going to take up the mantle?

They get to talking about their disciples with Bang asking after Iain’s health.  We cut to Iaian practising (after one week?!!!!! Yup, adamantium) his one-handed iai in a bamboo grove. Here we see the effect of JC Staff animators merely being worked hard as opposed to worked to death: they can start to bring life and care for the telling detail.  Not only is it beautiful, but there’s that moment when he starts to sheath his sword as he used to, realises, flips the sword and then completes the motion.  Perfect!  It’s things like this that are the strength of animation rather than manga or words!

There’s an interesting flip side to this that I’ll go more into in the meta. When Atomic praises the attributes that Iaian has that he is so proud of, it brings to mind the things that Bang loved in Garou and how bereft he felt when Garou turned on him. 

Atomic changes the subject to something that I again will be going more into in the meta: heroes.  And how weak the majority are.  They single out the Hero Association’s points-based system for especial censure, both being of the opinion that it encourages heroes to focus on the minutiae of progressing at the expense of truly being heroic.   Fair enough!  It’s something the story will be addressing and it’s interesting to see their perspective, but what they say next is much less fair -- mocking heroes who wear costumes.  

We cut to one such costume-wearer, Chain Toad, on the shores of the lake where he’s tracked a monster.  He’s accompanied by Mumen Rider.  Together, they unwisely decide that they have to try tackle the monster themselves so as not to disturb the fishermen on the lake.  Mumen Rider is particularly motivated to try more because he’s seen what the Class S heroes can do.  

Their valiant attempts to subdue the salamander monster are beautifully, beautifully animated.  Hard to pick a single moment I liked, but if I’ve got to make a still, let it be of Chain Toad throwing his chain, sending his chain past the monster, who thinks it’s dodged, only to send it looping back to snare it. 

Once things get too hot for our valiant heroes (Mumen’s underwater battle has to be one of the best sequences this season), the two fishermen finally see fit to intervene. Atomic hands Bang his rod and citing the need for strength as well as guts, casually cuts the monster up, freeing Chain Toad in the process. 

Then they carry on fishing.  As you do. 

Meta

Before I get into the meta proper, a point of order.

WAIT A COTTON-PICKING SECOND!  JC STAFF KNOWS HOW TO USE SOUND EFFECTS AND MUSIC APPROPRIATELY?  SINCE WHEN?  WHY WASN’T THIS ON SHOW IN THE MAIN SEASON?!!!!   Sorry, the shoddy, hastily-slapped together effects and disjoint music took so much away from the season it was painful. I’m still salty about it! 

Ah, that’s better.  We continue. 

1. Time waits for no man, and neither do monsters. 

A theme that we see come up more than once in OPM. It’s one that is particularly heavy on Bang’s mind -- this isn’t the first time we’ve seen him worry about it.  No matter how strong he and his fellow heroes are, they are indeed growing older, and against a threat that isn’t getting better, where the heroes who are strong enough to share and eventually going to take over their burden will come from is a real issue. It really sets into context the fight with Centichoro, when Bang simply wouldn’t countenance the prospect of Genos self sacrificing -- Bomb explains that his youth is needed for the future.  

2. Will. Skill. Strength. Pick all three.

FUCKING FINALLY someone criticises Mumen Rider.  It’s been long overdue.  Even as Atomic praises his guts and willingness to do his utmost, he points out the absolute need for strength.  Mumen wants to do great things, but to this very day has not invested meaningfully in even trying to be physically stronger.  I love Mumen, but the dude has to change if he wants his dreams to become reality. The skill and dedication Chain Toad and Mumen Rider showed in attacking the monster so as to keep it from disturbing the fishermen they mistook for ordinary civilians was utterly admirable, but without the strength to see that will through, it was futile. You can’t launch a rocket from a canoe, no matter how much you will it otherwise. 

Ultimately, if a hero is serious about being a hero, they have to worship and chase after strength like a fanatic after their idea of God: there are too many vicious monsters for a hero to be less than the very strongest they can be.  Anything less is a betrayal of both the people the hero fails to protect and of the principles the hero is trying to live by.   OPM is just too brutal a world for good intentions to survive without solid backing.

 3. Games Games Everywhere

One-Punch Man is only partially a parody.  At times it is a satire, and in the instance of the points-based system the Hero Association uses to manage its heroes, it is a sharp one on the subject of gamification.   While treating non-games as games has been around since the 19th century, the 2010s is when it really took off, round about when ONE started writing OPM.  SInce then, it’s only become more pervasive: you can set objectives, quests, and get rewards for just about anything.  Eating, sleeping, completing in-work induction, delivering packages, you name it, someone has gamified it. It delivers regular little hits of gratification, bigger hits when you rank up, and rivalry when there’s a leaderboard.  It also means that failures can be individualised -- it’s your fault if you’re struggling rather than the system as a whole.  The way the Hero Association has implemented it, it’s a straight up gaming system.  It means that the Hero Association can leave heroes to motivate and push themselves without actively knowing too much about them.The distortions that Bang and Atomic discuss are the same that Saitama identifies.  Rookie crushing, refusing promotions if they mean more responsibility and less recognition, factions, chicanery, showboating to try to gain points through popularity, discouraged and crushingly lonely heroes  -- we’ve seen Swim, Glasses and Saitama -- all are to be expected.   Their idea of how to manage heroes is looking for people with qualities such as honour and dedication and nurturing them is much more hands on -- and represents longer-term thinking.

But before we go praising their sagacity, the episode casts an unforgiving eye on their own shortcomings.

4. The Tyranny of ‘Fit’

Precisely because it is so hands-off, the HA makes no direct judgement on what a hero should be like, leaving it up to the observed results to be the proof of the pudding, so to speak.  This has meant that some real mavericks and oddballs are legitimately heroes in good standing.  We see that the old boys have a much narrower definition of what a good hero can be like.  A ‘good’ hero can’t wear a costume in their eyes.  We can see that’s grossly unfair to those who do: Chain Toad’s heroism has nothing to do with his wearing one. But the problem with their  is more pernicious than judging heroes by their dress sense. Implementing their ideas would formalise a system whereby it would be all but impossible for an up and coming hero to get anywhere without belonging to a school or at least having a sponsor able to vouch for them.   

What’s wrong with that? The thing that’s really noteworthy is that the people that Atomic and Bang champion (and not merely teach or support) are also the people who most remind them of themselves. It contributes to Bang feeling personally rejected by Garou. It goes beyond teacher-student relationships: in the main season we come to learn that Kuseno sees much of himself in Genos.  It goes beyond the page: it’s why many fans wish that Glasses would be Saitama’s disciple and feel he should be his ‘true’ heir.  It’s an uncomfortable truth  that much of what is called ‘fit’ is more familiarity than suitability. And this is particularly relevant because no one, not one of the masters praising Saitama would ever, ever have given him the time of the day had they met him before he became strong.  He doesn’t fit. And neither do a lot of other good heroes.  It’s perhaps most fitting that the ultimate misfit, Saitama, has the most blatantly misfitting disciple... :D

It’s almost like how best to recognise, support and nuture heroes isn’t a simple problem with a singular answer!    

I suppose I’d better wrap up

As you can tell from the length of this review, I’ve really enjoyed this episode.  Two old boys pondering the future, their fears and their hopes and along the way being both entertaining and deeply thought-provoking. 

I suspect that OAV 2 is going to be the best of the lot, but I live in hope of being wrong! 

#OPM #OAV #Bang #Atomic Samurai #heroes #Iaian practising a week after losing his arm? Too tough! #heroes are made of adamantium #world-building #satire #imperfect solutions #what a great episode #a visual and auditory joy #no power no impact #touches on themes being built up throughout the story #that of how the HA manages its heroes is going to be a BIG storyline #one the webcomic is gearing up to tell with the Neo Heroes #who claim to have a different ethos #whether they have an answer remains to be seen

[dlamp-dictator]

Allen’s Ramblings XIV: Allen’s Limits (Fanservice Edition)

Well, I just finished another go-over for my fanfic (which I’ll hopefully be updating tomorrow), so I’m in a writing mood today. Before I head home I think I’ll do a rambling real quick.

So I made a post here saying that I can’t watch the anime Valkyrie Drive Mermaid because it hits “my limit” in terms of fanservice and what I’m willing to tolerate, but I’ve never really discussed what my limits were in terms of fanservice.

Let me just be frank about my (trash) tastes real quick. I love and will defend Senran Kagura as a game with not only good gameplay, but a good story to my grave (unless we’re talking about the timeline/multiverse split, then this game deserves all the flack it gets on that end). I enjoy anime like Ikkitousen/Battle Vixens (the first season anyway), Wanna Be the Strongest in the World (though I will never recommend that to anyone. Ever.), Kill la Kill, Keijo, Koihime (wow, a lot of K’s there), and so on. I love playing games like Dead or Alive (I even buy the DLC sometimes), Rumble Roses, Onechanbara, Blazblue (its female designs are really fanservice-y, let’s be honest here), Nitro Busters, and I’m willing to try almost any MMO with cute female character designs for a bit. Needless to say, I like me some fanservice, or at least I can tolerate a hell of a lot of it. 

You will never hear me say “this anime/game is good if you can get over the fanservice” because I refuse to believe an anime or game should have a gap like that for people to over to enjoy it. Unless gap is a video game and it’s a skill-based gap, there shouldn’t be a one in the first place (that said Senran Kagura: Deep Crimson is actually kind of hard unless you grind a bit, so... fair warning). You might have noticed I say things like “if you can’t handle the fanservice that’s fine, but try to make it past episode 1 at least.” That’s because I feel you at least need a minimum amount of context before making a call on a show or game just being fanservice trash. Seeing a few gif sets or screen shots isn’t context, not to me anyway. With shows like Keijo and games like Senran Kagura, there’s a good anime and game there, and a lot of the judgement come from the premise and people just ignore the context. Many of the people that try the games out or watch the shows usually say something “yeah, this is a good game/anime, and it has potential, but the fanservice kills it for me.” That’s a 100% okay thing to say. I just get mad when people call it trash without even looking into it. To say Senran Kagura is a trash game that only panders to male audience is just... not only wrong, but shows ignorance to me. To say Keijo and Kill la Kill are fanservice-y shows that just attract a male audience just... kills my soul a little when I know for a fact that it’s got other things going for it than just the fanservice.

However, with all that said I still have my limits. There are shows and games that even I can’t get intodue to some of the content in it. I won’t say these games and shows are bad, but sometimes I will say I can’t finish, watch, or play them because the content in them turns me off, or at the very least I will advice people to skip certain parts because that’s how bad they turned me off. 

But anyway, let’s get on with what limits Allen has in terms of Fanservice:

Bare Breast Being Shown

Christ, this is the main reason I can’t get through Valkyrie Drive Mermaid. 

Look, I’m a guy. I’m a straight guy. I think I can comfortably say I like breasts. As an anime fan with trash taste I can say that, yes, I like anime tiddies. However, flashing bare breasts on the screen just... turns me off a little. Like, I get it, sometimes that’s just how the show is. Clothes and underwear come off, so it just makes sense, but I just... don’t enjoy. This is mostly because when I watch fanservice-y anime I’m watching the simulcast version where the boobs and nipples are censored in a way that it’s either in a way that’s comedic (like in Daimao), stylistic (like in Samurai Girls), or by editing shots (like in... most anime nowadays). So, when the blurays come out the anime tiddies are shown in full, uncensored view it feels more distracting than tantalizing. Like, you’ve already hooks me with the story, comedy, or action dude, why are you showing me the anime tiddies when I didn’t care for them three months ago? That’s just how I feel anyway, I think I’m the only one that thinks like this.

Sex Scenes

This is in the same vein as bare breast. I usually watch these fanservice-y shows for either it’s action, comedy, or actual plot (what little one exists anyway), so even if the sex scene makes sense in context, unless it’s playing some comedic gag like someone walking in on the characters and kills the mood or it’s an implied sex scene where the joke is that it’s some innocent I just... don’t want to watch it. A good video game example might be the sex mini game(s) in the God of War series. Yeah, they’re short and aren’t important to the game, but... I didn’t buy the game for that reason, that’s not the point of the game, and it feels like it was put in their for stupid reasons.

Taking the Plot Too Seriously/Flimsy Justification for Fanservice

This is the main reason I can’t get into Queen’s Blade, but some online friends have tempted me into giving it another shot. This is also the main reason I can’t recommend Ikkitousen past season 1. When shows and games try to make their plot out to be something more serious than it actually is it just... makes me wonder why. Like when I was talking about Keijo in my anime updates, it’s main draw was the ridiculousness and action, not the fanservice. If that show tried to play Nozumi’s poverty seriously and had her involved in Keijo out of desperation to make money I would had dropped it immediately.

To clarify, the manga made it clear that Nozumi knew she could make a killing as an Olympic Gymnast, but as a Keijo player she knew she’d have a bigger payout, longer career life, and (arguably) less risks to her body. Becoming a Keijo player was just systematically better for her and that’s why she did it. No more, no less. I would had stopped watching almost immediately if they had made Keijo out to be some vile sport forcing girls to battle for a wild crowd like an underground cock fight and Nozumi was desperate enough to quick being a gymnast to make money in that sport. 

Again, this is what killed my interest in Ikkitousen. I was watching that show to see cute girls punch each other with decent fight scenes and animations, not for some Three Kingdoms drama about defying fate. I’ll play Dynasty Warriors if I wanted that. 

Playing to a Fetish I Don’t Have/Care About

This one’s pretty simple, so I won’t get too ramble-y here. If the show or game’s trying to sell me on something I’m not into, I won’t care to play or watch it anymore. I’m not about to start spilling my virgin-ass sexual interests on the internet, so that’s all I’m gonna’ say on that.

Underage Sex Scenes/Underage Sexualization

No. No just. This is a bad thing and it’s why I can’t and won’t recommend Fate/kaleid liner Prisma Illya past the first season, and why I will recommend people read Negima at Omnibus Volume 3 instead of at the beginning. 

Now, when I say “underage sexualization” I mean “below high school age.” Why do I let high school get a free pass? Well, because I’m pretty sure a good majority of us lost our virginity in high school, and high schoolers having sex is a plot in nearly every live action high school drama ever, so... yeah. High School and sex is just a real life thing, so any complaining about it just seems hypocritical to me unless the sexy is stuff is about the point below. Anything under that high school age is just... no. 

Also, the show/game sexualizing things and the fandom sexualizing things are two completely different things to me. I don’t like it when fans do it either, but those are the fans getting horny at the wrong things, not the creators endorsing that behavior... unless they do, but that’s a whole other conversation.

Glorifying Rape/Brutality (Especially Against Minors)

Again, a thing that is just... no. However, this one’s a bit more... eh, complicated? 

For me, rape and brutality shown in media isn’t a turn off point. I mean, it is, but if I’m being super-hyper-mega-ultra-willing to, I can deal with it. That is, so long as the characters involve react in a realistic/believable way. Do people in the story justify the act? Do they rebuke the one who did it? Is that person punished in a way that is either karmic, or proper given the laws of the world of that story? Is that person called out on their behavior? 

Look, I’m not going to start defending rape and the like in media, I’m just saying if it’s done to make a point and not playing at some ultra-violent fetish then there’s some room for discussion. It still turns me off, it still hits my limit, but yeah.

So yeah, there are a few others for me, but those are the big ones. Anyway, that’s it for this rambling. Feel free to ask me stuff and whatnot. I’m heading home now and I’ll probably be taking a third look at my fanfic, so... yeah.

#your dictator is speaking

[rheyareads]

I think too much and now I need to write about it….

Okay before we begin what will likely be a short novel filled with random ideas and thoughts, I need to tell you all, dear readers, that I have typed, deleted and re-typed what was going to be my beginning sentence 4 times now because every variation I read had some grammatical error that I was self-editing and tried to fix to please my graduate professors who would likely throw up at the ridiculously long run-on sentence I have now typed out. So, with that being said – please be warned, this will be riddled with grammatical inaccuracies and likely contain an exuberant amount of split infinitives and dangling participles designed to take you on an emotional journey rather than please your concise, well thought out, hearts.

I turn 30 this year.

I’d like to point out that while I might physically turn 30, I don’t know that I’ll mentally turn 30. The idea is a bit too complex for me to fully comprehend as there are some days it feels like I’m still 22, bumbling around like Taylor Swift thinking everything will be alright if I just keep dancing around like an idiot.

I’ve done a lot of self-reflection over the last couple of months and I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m not very happy with my life. Now, I know what you’re thinking – GASP – Kayla, say it isn’t true! You’re so positive! I can’t fathom you’d ever speak negatively about yourself, your looks, your life, your status, your direction, etc. etc.  – I know. I’m as shocked as you. But all kidding aside, I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember and the unhappiness I’m describing goes deeper than anything I think I’ve experienced before and its left me with this emptiness that I am struggling to move past. In the past year, I left my job and totally switched career paths, thus leaving behind the very thing I spent the better part of 9 years working towards as an adult, went from living alone, away from my friends and family to living with a roommate and mere minutes away from friends and family, and lost the best parental figure I’ve ever known to a brutal battle with cancer.

And while there have been wonderful things that have happened throughout my life and this past year, I feel like I am starting over with absolutely no direction. I’ve given a lot of thought lately about what I want to be remembered for, what I want my legacy to say when I’m gone, and usually I become so confused and overwhelmed I take out my phone and ignore the question by playing a game.

I think what’s tripped me up the most is wondering how many people in my life know my true, authentic self (and subsequently – what IS my true authentic self). I know how I WISH to be portrayed to others, but I’m not always aware of how others perceive me to be and I think that information is important when questioning the type of impact you have. I have a nagging suspicion my love of literature has led me to romanticize ideas and build up expectations for others that aren’t always realistic to how people interact with one another. As a result, I’m left disappointed in the relationships I have, always feeling like I don’t get back what I give to people. But the more I think about it, the more I wonder, what DO I give to others? Do I have an impact at all? Do I offer anything besides surface level friendship and self-deprecating and often distracting humor?

 A while ago, I asked a close friend of mine to tell me what they think matters most to me and their answers honestly stunned me. They weren’t necessarily wrong ( I think they said something like, friends and family, music, helping people – which are all true things) but it surprised me that it differed so much from how I would describe myself as a person and what I value most ( for example, the thing I value most is my work ethic and being viewed as someone who contributes and betters whatever it is I work on; I value passion and drive and gravitate towards other who are similar, I appreciate creativity and creative outlets of all kinds and prefer simple things like dinner with friends, movie nights in and reading to outlandish adventures or outings at bars because I like the intimacy they give; I’m emotional to a fault and sometimes have to backtrack because I let emotions cloud my judgement in important situations— that’s how I would describe myself). While it’s unfair of me to assume someone should just KNOW all of that, it still bothered me that the answer I was given wasn’t anywhere close to my own perception of who I am.

I think I’ve thought a lot about this more recently because my Aunt passed away and I saw what an incredible legacy and lasting impact she’s left on not only me, but every person she ever knew. She was without a doubt the most confident and unapologetically authentic woman I’ve ever known and there was no question that everyone who knew her saw her for who she was, through and through.

I think one reason I worry that people don’t have a real sense of who I am is because I choose which parts of me to let people see. I’m a social chameleon, capable of adapting to the crowd that I’m in order to fit in, so it’s sometimes hard for me to even decipher who I truly want to be versus who I think I need to be in order to gain acceptance. I am someone who doesn’t shy away from explaining past traumatic experiences or how I’m feeling (hello, facebook, my old frienddddd) but I also don’t typically elaborate on the true depth of those emotions for the sake of others.

For example, if someone asks me how I’m doing, I don’t typically give them the full truth of the answer because I know that the truth would likely make them uncomfortable and they’d be unsure of what to do. Additionally, most people who ask how you are don’t really want you to be honest, they just want you to know they made an attempt to connect and then move on with their day. Now, that may sound harsh, but it’s inherently true. We don’t ask “how ya doing” to have someone respond with “actually, I’m horrible and let me tell you why” – we ask because it’s socially expected for us to ask, and we hope the person reciprocates with the same and we move on to a short, surface level empty conversation before diving back into our phones/work/kids/etc.

So, in an effort to be more transparent and to get some things off my chest and into the universe somewhere, I thought it might help if I wrote out some of the complexities of my unhappiness to try and start figuring out where to move forward to change that. I think the transparency will help people learn a little more about the person I actually am, rather than just who I choose to show people. Maybe that will change opinions about me, maybe it won’t. I’ve decided to start using my blog for this because well… it’s a blog. More than that, I find writing out my thoughts and feelings therapeutic, but I think it’s important that I share that with others too in order to take it a step further. Maybe my thoughts can help inspire/encourage/motivate others, or maybe they can just help shed light on why I’m the specific brand of weird that I am.

Most importantly, I think we always wait to reflect on our relationships until a person is gone and I don’t want to do that. I want people to know how I feel about them, how their friendship/mentorship/love has changed me, for better or worse, before it’s too late to tell them. I also want to be able to change the depth of my relationships before it gets to be too late for me. And, in some aspect, I truly do believe in the idea that feelings are truly felt until they’re expressed to someone else and I think a lot of the reason I feel so unhappy with the trajectory of my life is that I’ve bottled a lot of this up and haven’t shared it with anyone in it’s entirety. Enter the internet….

With that being said, I’m long winded so I certainly can’t post it all in one sitting (well… I could…but the likelihood of anyone reading through it all is slim to none…. Unless you’re a past co-worker who wants to turn me in – HEYYYOOOO – bad joke…long story…maybe you’ll learn the tale late). So for now, I’ll leave you with the idea that sparked this whole project of mine.

As I mentioned hours ago, I turn 30 this year.

With that, I’d like to do 30 things in my 30th year. I think this will help give me focus and direction as I explore why it is I’m so miserable, and hopefully will help me, as they say, “find myself”. So here is my list:

1.       Do something that scares me (posting this nonsense might count as this – TBD)

2.       Volunteer somewhere

3.       Spend more time with my nieces/nephews

4.       Make a concerted effort to be more financially responsible

5.       Make an even more concerted effort to eat healthier and avoid early death from organ failure.

6.       Actually use the gym membership I pay for.

7.       Travel outside the country (or plan a trip to do that – see  number 4)

8.       Make an honest effort to go on a date with someone I don’t actually know.

9.       Try a little harder at my appearance (i.e. style my hair, maybe wear makeup)

10.   Get a dog

11.   Visit my friends who live out of state

12.   Go to NYC and see another broadway show

13.   Sing in some type of performance-based thing (musical/choir etc.)

14.   Explore my spirituality and faith and grow closer to God.

15.   Read my Bible more

16.   Say no more often and find balance in my work and life

17.   Plan and organize things ahead of time rather than flying by the seat of my pants

18.   Help someone with something even if I don’t want to

19.   Forgive people for things I’m holding on too

20.   Call or text my friends more to see how they’re doing rather than just to complain about things

21.   Be more attentive during conversations and live in the moment

22.   Spend less time on my phone

23.   Read ALL THE BOOKS (or at least 50)

24.   Write more often – feelings, fiction, prose, doesn’t matter – just do it

25.   Pay off a student loan

26.   Learn how to do something new

27.   Be nicer to my family even if it’s super hard

28.   Buy less things and invest in more experiences

29.   Take more pictures with people

30. Be more positive and talk about myself with less negativity.

So there you go folks, that’s my list. I’m also open to suggestions if there are other things people think I should add. I’m all for ideas!

So this is the start of my journey. If you’ve read this, thanks, friend – I appreciate that you care enough! I don’t know what will come next, but I’m hoping it will be interesting enough that you’ll stick around.

As I think about what comes next, I need to say this – I am fully aware that I am a very privileged person in many avenues and as a result I think I sometimes down play the impact that certain things have had on my life. As a counselor I’ve been trained to connect to the emotions rooted in a persons experience and can often find the deeper meaning buried in something seemingly small to others, but I struggle immensely with connecting to my own. At any rate, I’m going to attempt to do so by being brutally honest about the things that plague me most in my never ending thought parade in my head. There is a large chance that while I will not name names of people who are involved, there is a strong likelihood that you may know who I’m referring to, or be the person I’m referring to. It’s not my intent to degrade, demean or demonize (alliteration for the wiiiiin) anyone with these posts. This is about ME. No one else. Also, let’s remember there are two perspectives to every situation and I am likely just as much at fault as anyone.

I just want that disclaimer out there for anyone who may read things later on and become frustrated. If you find yourself frustrated, please just talk to me. Connecting is more or less what this whole thing is about.

With that, I leave you all until next time (whenever I decide that will be).

from WordPress https://rheyareads.wordpress.com/2019/02/14/i-think-too-much-and-now-i-need-to-write-about-it/

#general nonsense #random writings #Uncategorized #depression #identity #random thoughts #self help

[dolphinsdancer]

Maybe you’ll be nicer..next time..

Or maybe there won’t be one.

..if there EVER is a next time. IF I give you another chance..

..IF you deserve one.

The thing is..I know I do. I get ALL the chances.

Because I’m STILL here, because of me..not you.

If it was because of you, I’d be gone..the horrible things you’ve said and done, or just simply not done..at all..have rattled through my brain on those dreadful weak moments..of struggle and pain. I’m still here. Because of me.

Not you.

Because I fought for myself, when no one else cared.

(NOTE:  Before I dive into this..jungle.. I started to write this ~a week++ ago, before this past week of the tragic deaths of Kate Spade & Anthony Bourdain. I’m still sharing it, because I wrote it for the PMDD peeps out there..that sometimes face this struggle with their “demons” monthly, or sometimes daily, or sometimes randomly, because it’s like that..vague and individual, and not consistent..even month-to-month. I’ve had stretches of feeling just amazing, just fine.

And..I’ve had a couple bad “episodes”.

Last month (April/May) was horrible. 

Physical pain was back.

Extreme.

Worse I’d had in ~3+yrs, since before my surgery.

Which is discouraging.

Pain like that.

Makes you want to just give up. 

Because you don’t want to live with it.

Again.

In any way, shape, or form. Outside stress makes PMDD..(and PMS..and endometriosis) worse.

This past month has been a bit “lighter”, but still challenging. The toughest moments in the past ~2 months were when I have had to take HEAVY pain meds..

I could take just one, to deal with the moment, and breathe through it, or I could take them ALL, and then maybe the pain, the physical at least..which is real..and mental, which is not (I’ll explain this..below) would just be gone.

Forever. But..I’m still here. Because I fight for me. 

When no one else does. And I share this for those that have felt that pain, on any level, wondered those thoughts, even for a minute..and need a moment, to have someone tell them, to let them know they are not alone.. And I share it, even though it may not be perfect, and may not be finished, because it is too important to wait another moment..to help someone, if you can

..if I can.. I will. I can and will fight for others struggling. Like only one person (my sister from another Mama) has fought for me.. I will fight for me. I will fight for you).

So here goes. How do you explain something that most people don’t STILL believe even exists? How do you explain something that has judgements so deeply rooted in horrible misogyny & people, both men & women (but I’ve seen & heard it more from men)..make nasty comments..like “she’s ‘PMS’ing’, or “she’s being a bitch, it must be that ‘time of the month’..”, or the other endless statements..  The funny thing is..I more often than not, am totally biting my tongue, simply because I don't want to be called "angry" or "bitchy", or "that angry uncontrollable bitch, etc.." by that person who doesn't understand 

(and makes no effort to do so..), because then it only proves their point/opinion about me..(even though in truth they quite frequently deserve to be verbally eviscerated..)

YET..I restrain. Even though their point/opinion about me is also totally wrong.

Because they’ve never bothered to find out anything about me.

So..I bite my tongue.

Why..

Because.. People don’t know..yet..don’t understand..YET. 1 in ~20 women on this planet deal with this disease (in varying degrees, from mild to extreme), and yet there are almost no treatments, and most doctors, psychologists, medical professionals, etc even deny it..still.

It can not only be a daily struggle with symptoms, mental, emotional, physical, with yourself, but also with medical professionals, and attempting to find REAL help, having people believe you, being afraid to tell anyone, a friend, a boyfriend/husband/potential lover, people at work/your boss, because of how they WILL view and treat you differently.. Like you’re a porcelain doll filled with lava that might explode all over them at any second..utterly fragile and yet volatile (beyond volatile in many eyes), and always at fault..

..and they will always be quick to BLAME the “PMDD” for everything. Whether it is not. So, you hide. That’s why most people who deal with ANY degree of mental health concerns, issues, or diseases, HIDE. Because that is all they become then. But they are not just that, they are so much more, and deserve so much more. And know you are much, much stronger. You are NOT a fragile porcelain figurine.

And..hopefully folks out..the ones that scoff, or doubt, or juggle you like that porcelain doll..all, will READ..and learn.. What PMDD is.. And even then, ask you, talk to YOU, because it truly is different for each woman, and usually different each and every month. And it takes strength beyond ANY strength they even know to function sometimes, to go to work, to be with family, to go grocery shopping, or the gym/workout, or do anything that feels “normal” at all. KNOW you are much, much stronger that PMDD, PMS, Endometriosis, or any physical or mental or emotional conditions, illness, diseases.. You are enough. So..I bite my tongue. Why.. Because.. I personally deal, and have more regularly dealt with the “physical” symptoms of it. You can also have/deal with PMS and PMDD..and more..

(..lucky me..I have both, plus endometriosis, which I’ve had 2 surgeries for..and which I still have, apparently, with a whole lotta scar tissue behind my uterus..so some of the pain might even still be from that..who knows..)

Which meant for YEARS..I didn’t even notice the PMDD, as the pain from severe bleeding, and massively painful periods over-ruled everything else.

Once I started taking a drug a few years ago now (Visanne) for the Endo (and sorta PMS), it took several years for things to “settle down”, and become clearer what symptoms were from what exactly.

I still “cycle”, but without a period, because the Visanne stopped the bleeding part..(good thing, because I was literally bleeding to death every month, bad thing..because I still cycle, but don’t really know where it is, beyond where my PMDD symptoms start and stop and fall..and I track these quite closely, so I know.. and where I know my period was from before I started the Visanne)..so I have a somewhat vague idea of what is going on for me. But stress makes it worse, and I’ve had some brutal stress in the past couple months..that has put thing into a horrendous flair of both physical pain (almost as bad as before my surgery) and mental symptoms - which have been the worst they have ever been.

Good times. As they say. So..WHY then did I decide to start to write this.. I felt it was time to speak up. To say something in support of the PMDD, & PMS & Endo women (or folks that identify as women) out there..because hardly anyone does. And because I was, I am tired of certain people’s judgements, inaccurate perceptions, without bothering to even know me, or ask me if “I’m ok”..or if I needed help, or people who have pretended to care, or give a damn about “mental health”, but really don’t. Because their actions don’t match their words. And it became even more important this week..as I had to briefly stop writing, and wasn’t sure IF I’d finish..because of the deaths in the “celebrity” realms.. And then I realized, it was more relevant than ever to “finish”..

and share. Because MOST people that face mental health issues are NOT celebrities. They are just regular everyday average people. And when they die by suicide, it’s not all over the news, it rarely even gets a mention in a local paper, yet there are 1000′s of people, not celebrities at risk everyday. And because I had someone be so utterly UNkind to me.

(..more about that below..2 examples in fact)

And I knew I had to be better than that..

So..I bite my tongue.

Why..

Because.. Because..as the saying goes.. “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.”

Or some variation, or order of that. It doesn’t matter. Just be kind. So..yet. I demonstrate unimaginable restraint.

Most the time. I speak my mind, I speak my truth, always with kindness And IF I’m really a bitch, I know it. I own it. And I apologize. Every time. And they are UNkind.

The other..funny..but not in a “hahaha” kinda way..thing is..

I can remember the times that people have been...UNkind.

In those moments of my own struggles. MUCH more vividly than I can recall any moments of kindness.. So it matters. Being UNkind is like handing someone a razor, that they will play over and over again in their mind, shredding and finding the holes in the logic to live..in a place that is already shredded and feeling tattered beyond repair. So be kind. (Or just stay away. Being UNkind is worse). So it matters. Every. Single. Time.

It REALLY matters when people make an effort.

Also..I have to sadly speak to this.. As there are people out there who *CLAIM* to be “mental health advocates”, but are actually the worst..but when someone reaches out, they are rude, dismissive, or simply don’t respond.

At all.

So they are liars..they do the “mental health” thing, posting about it on their social media for show..for RT’s, to feed ego, or whatever other reasons..than the real ones. I had an horrid experience with a woman named Stephanie..last year.

IF you read her twitter feed..

OY..This is one disillusioned, dishonest person..

She claims to be a Ph.D..but of course, the Uni she went to suddenly has no record of it..and other stuff..SMH. I might have believed her, if not for the way she acted in private, and how she clearly and blatantly manipulates people to attempt to get them to feel sorry for her.

She claims to be a part of the “#SickNOTweak” team, but a few CRITICAL times last year, when I reached out to her, she blew me off, was beyond incredibly rude in her responses on Facebook (we had been “friends”), and then she randomly flipped out on me and blocked me. Probably because I started to see through her lies, the inconsistencies, and I started to ask some questions, and call her on things.

Perhaps her own mental health issues are far worse..I attempted/still attempt to be sympathetic, but not when someone is lying.

I hope no one else gets taken in by her..but she uses “celebrity” names to prop up her stories, and name drops and tags them to garner attention and perceived support.

I mention her/that situation only because when I was REALLY struggling last year, she was beyond decimating to me.

There is nothing quite as awful as reaching out to someone who claims to be a mental health supporter, advocate and “understanding”, and have them use that information against you, gaslight you, and in that time-frame, it was quite a shock. I actually came really close at that time to taking my own life, to be struggling, ask for help, and have someone be so dismissive. I know now, who she is, how fake it all is, and it doesn’t impact me. Not any more. And it is interesting to find out your/MY own strength, in moments like that.

I got through those moments, because of me. And I only mention here, because is it hard enough to reach out, it is hard enough to know who to trust with a deeply scary part of yourself, a part of your psyche, to hand yourself over so vulnerable to someone, and have them be so awful, and dismissive, and actually down-right cruel. And because others have told me of times they have reached out, to different people, and have had similar, dismissive, or judgemental experiences. The saddest thing, is people REALLY struggle to reach out.

And usually don’t at all. I want to make sure they do it with the right people, someone who will reach back..(so I can and will share in private who this person is, if you feel you have been taken in and manipulated by her, as I don’t want anyone else to be hurt by her lies..) I will post a list of professional contacts at the end, as I recommend that more that anything else now.

The other person..

..hard to say. I’ve essentially given up hope that they’ll be decent. They have been deeply, hurtful, impactful when I’ve struggled though.. As I can hear their words, sometimes, mean, sometimes mocking, sometimes cruel, sometimes just disconnected, uncaring and vague.

Someone who claims to be a “friend”, but has never acted like a friend.

Who has been awful, and dismissive.

That person that ALWAYS thinks the worst of me, or any message I send.

Reactionary, and angry..and always blaming me, and turning it around on me, instead of taking any ownership of their actions.

Instead of believing that I always speaking from a place of kindness, and curiosity, and genuineness.

But I guess if someone pretends to be genuine, & they are lacking in it, in some way..

When faced with someone who is..genuine, they’d be threatened, as they know I see through the BULLSHIT and masks.

That person that claims to “not judge”, but is the most judgemental person I’ve ever encountered..

or maybe they just treat only me that shitty..

..it seems so.

That person that called me a “categorical liar”, when I simply asked an honest question.

And many other things I’m not at liberty to share. (..or who this is unfortunately..I can confirm/deny if directly guessed, that is it). So..WHY do I share this then..? What I do know..despite my own experiences of encountering some distrustful, hurtful people out there, is TRUST YOURSELF. Even if you struggle with any kind of mental health diseases, illness, issues, or concerns, there is always a part of you that CAN find a way through to light. Even if it’s what I had to do, which was just not die, only because doing so would stick it in the eye of those that abandoned me and didn’t help, when my requests for help were out there and real. And I can say, in truth, that I am here to help, or to at least point you in the direction of help, if what you face is beyond my scope. Sometimes ALL it takes is someone listening, someone who responded to you when you struggled, someone making just a tiny effort that makes the difference in someone’s life.

As to the person I addressed at the start..

From what I’ve seen..and my eyes are even more open now..everyday, I don’t believe you do care. Despite what you say. Your actions will have to speak louder than your lack of words. And there are neither, so..

IF it ever happens, it comes from you. For me to believe again.

But I am here.

Because I fought for me. Because you never did. I will fight for me. I will fight for anyone that needs that reminder to stay alive.

Everyone is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody.” ― Mark Twain

RESOURCES AND CONTACT LINES: Canadian Suicide Prevention Line: 1-833-456-4566 Website: suicideprevention.ca (VERY oddly, this site was “offline” when I visited it to confirm the link, hopefully it’s fixed by the time anyone - not like 3am isn’t a critical time for it to be online or anything - needs to access it). Direct link for local/provincial numbers: http://bit.ly/2sSBZiL (US)/National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255 (US:1-800-273-TALK) UK: 116 123 Australia:  13 11 14 AND..this one gets a graphic too..as I know of so many transgender folk that have struggled with suicide just because of who they are, or gender dysphoria. Canada: 1-877-330-6366 US: 1-877-565-8860

[foursprouthappiness-blog]

Here’s What Kind Of Best Friend You Are, Based On The Month You Were Born

New Post has been published on http://foursprout.com/happiness/heres-what-kind-of-best-friend-you-are-based-on-the-month-you-were-born/

Here’s What Kind Of Best Friend You Are, Based On The Month You Were Born

Allegra Messina

January

The “How Does She Do It All?” Friend

This girl parties like Serena van der Woodsen and plots like Blair Waldorf. She got her dream job straight out of college. When she is dating she is really dating, she has a few guys on rotation. However, when she is taken she is the perfect wifey. This girl can do no wrong. She is a goal getter and she has no time for nonsense. She can host the perfect dinner party and also get blackout drunk and kicked out of the bar in the same night—this actually happens quite often. She wants the most out of life, she works hard and plays harder. She is not one for choosing- she manages to juggle everything. (We have no idea how? But she does.)

January is the first month it is the symbol of ambition and change. The January BFF lives right now. It is not “someday” for her, her time is of the essence. While this girl is superwoman most of the time, she can also be a walking contradiction. At one moment she is your perfect partner in crime, the next she can be MIA for weeks. It’s not her fault she just prioritizes herself more than her friends because most goal-oriented people do. It is not because she doesn’t care. She is just unaware that her fleeting actions can sometimes be perceived as selfish instead of busy. We are all busy but we all still need each other.

February

Those Who Wander Are Not Always Lost Friend

This girl seems like she has her head in the clouds, but she knows exactly what she is doing. She is not one to brag she is quite humble. She is very well-rounded, some people may mistake that for being flighty. While she seems like she can be “all over the place” she is actually very decisive.

She is the mysterious friend that we can never figure out. No matter how many years of knowing her she can always still keep us guessing. There is something about the February friend that we can not exactly put our finger on. She is simply effortless in the best way possible. She is smart without trying too hard to be. She is loyal without labels. She is confident with silence. She is understated because she never feels like she needs to overcompensate.

March

“I Just Have A Lot Of Feelings” Friend

Artsy, dramatic, kind, naive, dreamer, you are a March baby. You have all this creativity, you have all this drive, but being focused is your downfall. It is not because you are not focused enough, it is the exact opposite actually. You are focusing on the wrong things. Your feelings can tend to override your logic. You focus way too much on what other people think of you. In reality, those people do not really matter. You are psyching yourself out for no reason. It’s not that your feelings are unjustified, but if you would learn to care less you could save yourself a lot of tears. People really do not think about you as much as you think they do. Do not let them have this unnecessary power over you.

The March bestie is the friend you have 5 missed calls from on your lunch break but also goes on an unexpected trip on a whim without telling anyone. It’s all or nothing with the March BFF. They live on feelings and thrive on instinct. They are the crazy best friend helping you stalk your ex and the girl you can cry to at 3 am at the same time. This girl is like an onion she has layers.

April

The Get Your Life Together Friend.

Nothing is more surprising than the April bestie. One minute they are laughing by your side the next they are as serious as Annalise Keating. This girl is a lot of fun, but do not let her good sense of humor fool you – she is no joke. She is very passionate about her principles and stays true to her beliefs. She does not compromise her values for anyone, however, she is still not judgemental. She is the perfect friend to ask for advice. April BFF does not tell you what you want to hear, but she does not slut-shame or judge you either.

April babies are very decisive. They do not tend to beat around the bush. They know what they want when they want it. This friend is not one to dwell on the past. They get up, they move on. The April BFF is your inspirational friend to kick your own butt! Their brutal honesty can scare you sometimes, but you know they are living truth of what is real.

May

The Never Give Up On You Friend

This girl is always on the other end of the phone listening to your endless guy drama. The May friend is always your first call, whether it be when you need a study buddy, a sushi lunch date, or just want to split a bottle of wine spur of the moment because it’s Wednesday. This friend is always motivated and understanding. Although even she has her limits with you. She can only tell you so many times that the fuckboy you are with is wrong for you. While she tells you are wrong, she never stops listening.

The May friend can be stubborn, but it comes from her heart, not her pride. Everything is always with good intention with the May friend. She is a strong, hard-working friend which is evident in every aspect of her life. Her never-give-up attitude makes her a success in the workplace and with her personal life. She is a strong believer in communication, she will always try to talk everything out.

June

The MIA Friend

This girl is the life of the party and she makes the most out of her time. She always takes photos, she always gets drunk, and she always disappears. She is the symbol of curiosity. She is enchanted by new experiences and wants to live her life to the fullest. She is always up for anything, but she is not known to be Miss Reliable. She is a dreamer, not a realist. While she is full of excitement, she can sometimes take on more than she can chew. The June friend has a diversified range of interests. As much as she would like to commit to everything, there are only so many hours in a day.

The June gal is a jack of many trades, she wears many hats and wears every type of masque. She is hard to read because she is constantly changing. Every day is a new adventure. Every day is a new identity. There is never a dull moment with the June BFF. She is your confidante and your escape all at the same time. She is as beautiful as she is complex. Remember nothing simple is worth it.

July

Psychic BFF

You are very intuitive but you like to keep that to yourself. You read people better than they could ever imagine. You can be secretive, but you are also very genuine. You do not scream for attention, which is why some people may confuse you for shy. You aren’t necessarily shy you are just not obnoxious. You like who you like. If you have nothing nice to say you don’t need to say anything at all.

You are friendly to all, yet you can have a dark sense of humor. Sarcasm is your go-to defense mechanism. Some people may not always get you, and that can be frustrating at times. While you are guilty of a temper tantrum every now and then most of the time you know better. Your peaceful nature is often confused with innocence, however, it is omniscient.

August

The Crying Cheerleader

You are fun, you are a hopeless romantic, you have a smile that lights any room (and you know it). You have the confidence of the head cheerleader, but you secretly have the self-esteem of the understudy in the drama club. You are funny but you are not laughing when the joke is on you. You can dish out, but sorry August girl you can not always take it.

You are the perfect plus one to any event. You are fearless. You are not afraid of trying new things and stepping out of your comfort zone. You are generous and caring. You are not afraid to speak your mind. However, you tend to masque your insecurity with your giant ego. The August BFF acts like the girl everyone wants, she puts herself on her own pedestal. As the great Britney Spears once said: “she’s so lucky, she’s a star, but she cries…”

While your confidence is overwhelming, there is a brooding artist in you that wants more than what is on the surface. This girl is in a constant battle with her pride and her heart. She acts the most together, she won’t let anyone know it but she cries in the bathroom alone. She has contradicting sides to her personality. Everyone depends on her, but she doesn’t know who to depend on. She is the first to offer help, but the last to take it.

September

Secret Mastermind

If January was Serena van der Woodsen, September is Blair Wardolf. The master planner/schemer. An incredible memory, you were a private investigator in another life. You love control; you need it. When one thing in your life is not working out, you do not accept it. Plausible deniability, as B would say. If your love life has just blown up on flames, you do not fret. You go to Paris, get your dream job, become the superwoman you always wanted to be. When something goes missing in your life, you fill the void instantly with something else or someone. Usually, you distract yourself with work, you do not dwell and mourn, you switch your focus. Everything is a game to you and you always win (but you already knew that).

Your “games” can come off as childish and stubborn. But truthfully you are self-aware and already know this. However, you are too set in your ways to change. You can’t teach an old dog new tricks. Why change when you are already perfect?

The September BFF is very careful and calculated. While her demeanor can be icy, she is truly sympathetic. She may have a closet full of skeletons, but she is not heartless. She keeps secrets, but she also keeps promises.

October

Golden Ticket Girl

This girl is cursed with a lucky charm. She never thinks too far ahead, because she has never had to. She is not a planner. She goes with the wind and trusts fate. If it is meant to be, it will be. She does not believe in forcing destiny. The October girl is always the girl that just seems to “get it” without even trying. She glides through life effortlessly with natural beach wavy hair. She may not always know what she wants, but she knows what she doesn’t want.

Many people mistake her hippie nature as being careless. The October girl is not careless at all- she is very passionate, she just chooses not to get stressed out. The real world can be a terrible place she enjoys her fantasy. She is living proof “if you believe it, it will happen.” Mind over matter is her mantra. The October girl is all about positive energy and letting the universe take its course.

November

The Frenemy.

Hard shell on the outside, soft and mushy on the inside. This girl puts up a front like no other. She walks in owning the place, but her confidence is walking on thin ice. She can’t breathe without other people’s approval. She has extremely high standards for herself and she is anything but lazy. However the higher she sets the bar, the greater her fall will be. The November girl works harder than anyone and she makes it known that her efforts do not go unnoticed. While she can be the best friend you have ever had, she will always remind you of every single little thing she has ever done for you. She is honest to the point of being hurtful. Humility is not her best quality. Patience is also not her virtue.

The scariest part of the November friend is how they are always right. It’s like they have a fifth sense or ESPN or something. They read other people better than they read themselves. Their social intuitiveness is impressive and intimidating. The November friend is intensely motivated. Their hopes and expectations are set so high, that any little discrepancy becomes a dark cloud around them. The November friend has an aggressive offense, with the most delicate defense. Their know-it-all attitude comes from insecurity, not arrogance. The brutal truth insults are their defense mechanism when they are disappointed. Truthfully their secret sensitivity is their saving grace, but they are always trying to hide this side of them.

The November friend is full of contradictions. They are easily the most high maintenance, but they are also the most empathetic. This girl can listen to your problems for months and never get bored. She is always intrigued, supportive, and honest. The November BFF is always trying to help even when it does not seem like it.

December

The One Everyone Loves

Hating you is like hating a puppy. You are always late and stealing our favorite heels like a little sister, but your smile is contagious. You always cheer us up- even when we are supposed to be mad at you. You are fun but still trustworthy. You hate commitment, yet we know we can still count on you. The December friend can flirt their way out of anything. They are always the first invited to the party. Girls want to be your best friend and guys want to date you and vice versa. However, the most refreshing part of the December BFF is how humble she is. She will always want attention, but she will never ask for it. She will not brag about anything, she doesn’t need to. The December friend is not insecure and she has nothing to prove to anyone. She knows who she is and she doesn’t care if you like her or not. Ironically that is what makes the December friend so attractive her “I do want I want, I am not sorry” attitude.

Sorry not sorry, the December friend has won us all over in a blink of an eye. Yet, by being the most wanted BFF she tends to overbook herself. 3 Parties in 1 night, “I can do it”, she says (but not really…) The December friend had fooled you until now, she is not perfect she is a flake. She makes promises she rarely keeps and she gets away with it every time. She is dangerous because you always forgive her.

#Happiness

[douchebagbrainwaves]

WHY I'M SMARTER THAN MONEY

Founders arriving at Y Combinator often have the downtrodden air of refugees. For example, it would be the order of the day. The Matrix have such resonance. They were what Shakespeare called rude mechanicals. I think founders will increasingly be able to give advice, you can rely on word of mouth they start to get users, though. Any good programmer in a large organization is forced to adopt. The VCs also insist that prior to the deal the option pool be enlarged by an additional hundred shares. But that was not how we saw it at the time a pair of college dropouts with about three years of school between them, and then come back a year later and say I wish we'd listened. That word business is an important one to remember. Armed with their now somewhat fleshed-out business plan and able to demo a real, working system, the founders didn't just give in and take whoever the VCs wanted. Most high school students applying to college do it with the usual child's mix of inferiority and self-centeredness combine to make us believe that every judgement of us is about us.

I liked living in suburbia when I was 10. If you think someone judging you as a customer instead of a judge, the expectation of fairness goes away. Bill Gates—the probability might be 20% or even 50%. That phrase draws in most threads I've mentioned here. Imagine if you tried to squeeze the company for more money: they want enough to last for a year, whereas a company that grows at 5% a week will in 4 years be making $25 million a month. Some investors might expect the founders to accept vesting for a sum this size, and others by playing zero-sum game, so you don't have to work as if they were simply a group of 10 people working together in the usual way. But a lot were surprised to find this also applies within startups.

Or rather, a large organization, and the three founders each get 25%. Unfortunately that makes this email a boring example of the use of Bayes' Rule. More dangerous is the attitude they reflect: that an employee is a kind of final pass where you caught typos and oversights. How much do we have to do that is to implement it. If you start a startup, cheapness is power. The restrictiveness of big company jobs is particularly hard on programmers, because the moral weight of running a startup, ask yourself whether you're relentlessly resourceful. Use succinct languages. When you have five months' runway left, how soon do you need to be the measure of success for startups another classic noob mistake, they always want to know whether to recruit someone as a cofounder, an employee, an investor, the thought of what a competitor could do with it.

It's surprising how much you can take. Armed with their now somewhat fleshed-out business plan and able to demo a real, working system, the founders could just walk away from. The only place your judgement makes a difference is in the same way that living in the wild that I'd only seen in zoos before. That is the big win in the end. Boston, then they're better off in Silicon Valley. It's hard to judge you correctly, there's usually some kind of appeals process. Some amount of communication is necessary in most jobs, but I'm sure many employees could find eight hours worth of stuff they could do it than do it now. And more importantly, audiences are still learning how to be stolen—they're still just beginning to see its democratizing effects.

By 2012 that number was 18 years. It was astonishing to learn later that they'd both been serial womanizers, and that he did all the actual design of the Apple I and Apple II in his apartment or his cube at HP. I see the disadvantages of being an outsider may be to look at this actually quite atypical spam. Com/foo because that is about as much as he's running Facebook. That's where the name incubator comes from. If you write software to teach English to Chinese speakers, you'll be in a position of power. Trying to make masterpieces in this medium must have seemed a safe move at the time. The screen's too shiny, and the paper becomes a proxy for the customer.

Outsiders are free of all this. You just have to keep trying new things. For example, it would be suggested that executive salaries are at a maximum. But if the worst thing they can hit you with is your own obtuseness. When you're too weak to lift something, you can have a fruitful discussion about a battle that took place in the Bronze Age probably wouldn't. Once you grasp that, you advance quickly to the next step, which is more than they had been getting. As we stood there, he said that there weren't really any annoyances, except—and he got a wistful look when he said this—that he was one of the few, artificial, easy tests they've faced in life so far.

The key is to know to look for metaphors is not in the middle are medicine, law, history, architecture, and computer science, where many are. It's practically a mantra at YC. We had the opportunity to raise a lot more discerning than any employer. My life is full of case after case where I worked on something just because it seemed interesting. 01 describe 0. The math is brutal. If a mail reader has a delete-as-spam.

All the time I was in college I imitated the pompous diction of famous professors. Better stick to the standard cartoon version that the Civil War, so that's what it would look like. Some say Europeans are less energetic, but I didn't realize till the last few years that writing for publication didn't have to be a member of a certain size. A word like shortest is almost as much freedom as the founders. Plus if you didn't put the company first you wouldn't be promoted, and if someone does offer you any, assume you'll never get any more. And in addition to the concentration that comes from specialization, startup hubs are also markets. So some or all of the friends quit their jobs or leave school. You can do things in your early 20s that you can't do that until you actually start the company. By living really cheaply they think they can hit you with is your own status as an outsider, you're just one step away from getting things done. As a rule, any mention of religion on an online forum degenerates into a religious argument. I want to spend as little time inside the minds of spammers as possible.

Notes

As Jeremy Siegel points out that this excludes trickery like buying users; that's the situation you find yourself in when the audience already has to their kids to them to private schools that in New York, and on the dollar. They're an administrative convenience. And startups that seem excusable according to some founders who'd taken series A investor has a power law dropoff, but if you make it easier for us.

For similar reasons, avoid the topic. Charismatic candidates will tend to work than stay home with them.

Of the two elsewhere, but he doesn't remember which.

Articles of this type of lie. But if you know the actual server in order to avoid faces, precisely because they have a bogus political agenda or are feebly executed.

If our hypothetical company making 1000 a month grew at 1.

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