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moonlit-positivity · 3 months

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Things I wish I knew before healing, part 2

• nobody is coming to save you. Except that's not entirely true either. Not in the way youd think. If you're looking for someone to hold you, coddle you, change your dirty diapers, and do the work for you? Nah these mfs can't baby sit a grown ass adult. But that is a very valid feeling. I can't tell you how much I bitched and moaned in the beginning. I literally told my therapist one time, "I want someone to change my fuckin diapers!" Lol 😭 the hard thing about being abused as a child is that there is never anyone there to care for you on that deeper level. And the hardest part about growing up this way, is that there never will be. Not in the way of this fantasy of wanting someone to be fully enmeshed with your brain enough to know what it is you want and need without you ever needing to open your mouth and say it out loud. No. That's not how people are gonna save you. But they will save you in an entirely different way. They will let you know when youre making a mistake. My therapist has helped me in ways I would have never even fuckin imagined humanity would be able to help someone. And she's not the only one. I'm lucky and blessed and privileged to have had a few good case managers and help from people who work for the city I live in. These people have helped me in ways that others couldn't. They gave me a backbone to stand up and get the work done for myself. They helped me understand this during the hardest fucking rude awakening I have ever had about life in general. And that is, that no one on this earth is entitled to taking care of you. Nah. In my case tho they still wouldn't even if I wanted em to, bc I already kinda knew that from growing up with my mother. I would have never been able to outright ask someone to love me. Not with the awareness of what my mother put me through and the constant fear of becoming just like she was to me. But there comes a time when you gotta stop bitching and whining about how unfair it is and learn how to get up and move anyway. And tbh, I'm still not entirely there yet. It's not an easy thing to learn. But I know a helluva lot more now than I have ever known in my entire life, and that means a whole fuckin lot to me right now. I literally started out from under ground zero, like -65 if you wanna be specific. I had to crawl through the gutters just to get where the fuck I am today. I fuckin carved that shit out all by myself. I fuckin did that. And I'm proud as fuck of where I stand today.

• there is going to be times when you literally cannot talk about it anymore. I can't tell you this without explaining that I am the type of person who would want to immediately snap my fingers and expect the immediate response, to have that quick fix solution. Nah. Patience is an acquired skill. Not to toot my own horn here, but God fuck if I had ever known that before starting therapy I swear to God I don't think I woulda made it through. I have such an aversion to pain and suffering bc of what I went through as a kid, but the pain of healing is unlike anything you will ever experience. Because unlike being abused, healing feels good. Healing feels like someone is purifying your soul in a pure light. And your soul is filled with anger and bitterness and pain. So trusting that light is fucking nuts to say the least. There are times when someone telling you it's not your fault will absolutely break you down into a million fuckin pieces. Not because it hurts, though yeah it does hurt a lot because that's not something anyone has ever told you before and there's the pain around why these mfs have never fuckin told you that. But it also hurts because it feels good to be finally listened to, heard, seen, and validated by another fucking human being on the face of the earth. And you won't want to believe it at first either. But eventually they'll keep saying it to you. Over and over. And eventually there will come a point when you finally lose your shit behind it and deal with the brainwashing coming undone to understand exactly what it is you've had to go through. And then there comes a time when you just can't talk about it the same way anymore. It changes you. It makes you see things about yourself and about the people around you and about this world in general that you've never even thought about before. And that's a whole lotta fuckton to sit with in itself.

• things gonna get better. And it's gonna scare the absolute piss and shit out of you when it does. The silence of peace and serenity is first filled with panic and survival on a whole different level than anyone will ever tell you about. The peace and silence of serenity feels like madness. It feels like youve been living underground your whole life and now you're above ground and everything is new and fuckin terrifying and you don't actually wanna live here, you wanna crawl back underground because it's more familiar and "safer" to you that living above ground is. And this is actually a normal feeling a lot of us go through I've noticed. Talking with other survivors can definitely help give you a sense of normalcy to what you're going through. But my god that urge to go back to the abuse and pain and suffering is so fuckin real. It's all you ever know. Trusting peace to not be a fuckin trap? That takes a lot of pain in itself.

• which brings me to this point. Every single thing about this process is a fucking pain in the ass. You've been beat, abused, gaslit into believing you are the devil incarnate by your parents. Your first ever caregivers, your first ever human experiences, have you believing you are the dog shit underneath their feet. They spend your entire childhood abusing you. Then you finally leave them behind and now you gotta find out they fuckin abused you???? My God. There is nothing about this shit that is gonna give you happy happy fun time play time vibes at all. That's fucked up beyond belief.

• youre gonna be pissed the fuck off all the time. My God if you're reading this and can relate, LOOK INTO SOMATIC HEALING. Give your body an outlet. And it doesn't have to be like exercise or yoga or any of that bullshit. Just shake your shoulders. Shake your arms. Shake your body. Let it move those big fuckin emotions and get it out. Somatics is all you ever fuckin need to get through this shit. Just find ways that it works for you. But yes. The anger and rage and betrayal is REAL. Don't fuckin beat yourself up for this shit. It's valid and it makes sense you'd be angry. LOOK AT WHAT THEY FUCKIN DID TO YOU.

• you're not faking your trauma, your symptoms, or your illnesses. There are real legitimate things happening in your brain and your body that affect the way you function day to day. The fact that there will be people in your life who will never fuckin understand that is a fucking war crime against yourself. Do yourself a favor and remove these people fuckin immediately. Anyone who dares question your life & illnesses & your right to fuckin exist???? Is a fuckin threat and you need to get them out NOW. You are not faking. You never fuckin were. Don't let anyone fill your head with doubt. Family, friends, therapists, doctors. NOBODY. find a second opinion. Find the doctor who's gonna listen and take you seriously when you ask about it and help get you the proper testing to find out. Do NOT settle for the doctors who tell you you're lying. Do NOT settle for the family that says youre lazy and selfish and entitled. Fuck those assholes. You know yourself better than they do. The fact that they even accuse you of lying to begin with is such a mindfuck in itself.

• there are gonna be times when the pain and regret of not knowing what the fuck you've already said and done is gonna suck the living energy from you. It's because well whaddya know. You've grown up a little bit. You might feel like it's a great thing to have the awareness and understanding now, and tbh yes it is! Don't detract from that point! But the people who have already been hurt from you aren't really gonna give a rats fuckin ass one way or another. And that's gonna hurt on so many levels, because yeah that's fair and valid. But holy fuck if i had known that before hand I swear to God things would have been so fuckin different. The thing about it is, people are listening to you, even when you don't think they are. I might go further into this sometime bc there are so many reasons as to why we don't think we matter as much to the people around us as they do actually care and listen. The words and actions you take (or don't take) will have a direct effect on those around you.

• life is not a fuckin game. God I wish someone had told me that a lot fuckin sooner. Take yourself seriously. Take your life seriously. This isn't the pregame show, this is the actual fuckin super bowl. Life is gonna hand you the epitome of fuck around and find out, and its gonna hit you hard if you're not prepared for that.

I will probably add more later. Thanks for reading 😊

#recovery #ptsd #trauma #mental health #boundaries #healing #healing thoughts #trauma recovery #trauma awareness #child abuse #childhood trauma #bpd #actually traumatized #life advice #advice #life lessons #self awareness #self actualization

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silkgonerough · 3 years

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Astrology Observation/rants? #1

❤️I’ve noticed that people who have venus unaspected in their chart are incredibly attractive idk why???

👸Moon trine/conjunct venus is such a nice placement to have in regards to people in general but especially to the opposite sex. I feel like ppl tend to treat you more gently and kindly bc of it’s feminine energy. It gives a prince/princess charm to the natives mannerisms bc they’re so kind and warm! Men with this placement are kind of babied and seen in higher regards by women (especially older women!!) and the women are kind of protected and nurtured through men. This also goes both ways where women with this placement probably have amazing relationships with other women and the guys are that one friend who has a lowkey bromance with all of his friends lol,, It’s rlly hard to see these ppl in a malefic or fearful light.

🙎‍♀️Moon in Scorpio females have eyes that can pierce through your soul

💆Men with Aquarius venus and Capricorn Mars are top tier

👄Women with Scorpio venus are usually very pretty and sexy and known for their sex appeal if famous

💅Capricorn + gemini venus or rising women are really pretty and make great models

👯‍♀️Lilith in eighth house is considered a sex symbol placement (Brigitte Bardot, Elvis Presley, Angelina Jolie, Sophia Loren)

🤔I would say gemini and virgo risings are the hardest signs to identify because of their mercurial rulership and mutability unlike Pisces and Sagittarius where there are clear distinctions in facial features and physique because of the Jupiter/Neptune affect (long legs, round faces, prominent forehead and eyes) gemini and virgo can easily be dominated by other planets in contact with the ascendant or first house but both signs give someone a very youthful doll like glow

🧠People tend to shit on hard Saturn contacts but I find that with time they usually evolve beautifully and the aspect can become a huge benefic but only with hard work. Saturn is the only planet that rewards for perseverance and patience but it’s always worth it

🥰Leo and Virgo’s are actually really similar in what they expect from themselves and others. They both just want to be appreciated and considered important to those around them.

👩‍🦳No matter what signs are involved sun conjunct venus always has a very feminine and pleasent face usually with a prominent forehead,, they’re also rlly well captured in photographs!

🤳Mars square Neptune probably had a period where they may have read a lot of dirty fanficton or fantasized about weird concepts sexually

🌝Leo moons are WAY more of attention seekers then leo suns im sorry but it’s like their emotional well-being depends on the amount of attention they get whereas Leo suns don’t necessarily ask for it bc they just attract it naturally with their aura (this isn’t every leo moon ofc just the ones I’ve observed)

🤦‍♂️I think Virgo suns are more critical of those around them and how that affects who they are whereas Virgo moons tend to be more critical of themselves and how their actions affect their surroundings

🦵I’ve noticed Mars in the 1st house females are usually rlly toned and skinny with long legs

💃Mars in Virgo is known as being prudish or like a not sexy placement of Mars and I rlly beg to differ, I swear every person that the general public’s been obsessed with when it comes to being hot has this (Dylan O brien, Austin Butler, Idris Alba, Blake Lively, Benedict Cumberbatch, Tom Felton, Ariana grande, Johnny depp, Britney Spears?!! there’s so many more u guys need to get on this)

🥴Aries moons are all about talking the talk but I swear half the time are not walking the walk and when they do they’ve talked shit to about 6 ppl already and waited for like a week before telling u how they feel

🤡Pisces moons (myself being one) can be so fucking stupid when it comes to liking someone I swear. We tend to make excuses for them and cling to whatever image we’ve set up in our head on who they are. Once evolved though it’s way easier for us to see ppl for who they are off the bat without going through the emotional distress!

😒I can confirm that we attract whatever signs in our eighth house mines in Aries and I swear to god not a year has gone by where an Aries man hasn’t infiltrated my life

👗people who have venus in the second house are the definition of quality over quantity!! always dressed so well with the cutest jewelry. They’re style carries libra energy :)

🥺Aries sun men are some of the most sensitive ppl I’ve ever met!! I didn’t realize it at first but they’re rlly soft and uwu. I don’t know how to explain it but think of Eren from AOT or Natsu from Fairy Tail! They’re kind of like a cheeky kid you want to protect at all costs

🤝I think a lot of square aspects can work in your favor if there’s a specific trine or conjunct aspect that’s energy can balance it out once activated if that makes sense ? Like for example I have venus square neptune and I used to put myself in alot of unnecessary painful situation bc I had a problem with deluding myself when it came to liking someone. Yet I was always aware that the person was not right for me or the situation was toxic bc of my sun conjunct pluto. The Sun/Pluto aspect has kind of forced me to be more aware of the venus/neptune affect and I’ve grown a lot stronger through those painful plutonic experiences in love and I can see through other people’s intentions for what they are with ease. I think that sun/pluto helped cancel out my delusion by making me go through a lot of intense experiences to finally understand what I was doing and see things for what they were.

🧛🏽‍♀️Going off of that I don’t care what anyone else says I LOVE MY PLUTO ASPECTS and trust me their pretty shitty (sun conjunct pluto, moon square pluto, pluto square asc). I’ve been put into some rlly crazy situations for only being 18 but I can go into the world with a lot more awareness of who I am and the people around me. I like the intensity they bring and the forcefulness of change in my habits and life. Pluto has made me a rlly strong person in terms of persevering through life and it’s challenges. I thank pluto for that.

👩🏽‍🤝‍👨🏼👨🏾‍🤝‍👨🏻👩🏿‍🤝‍👩🏼I think one of my favorite placements I have that is also super favorable in others is Jupiter in the 11th house! This may seem kind of random but the amount of opportunities and cool experiences I’ve been given through my friends and social circles is something I’m soo thankful for🙏 Friendship and just being a friendly person in general is something I’ve always found luck and happiness in and it’s so rewarding to have so many ppl like and support u for who u are! Making friends with ppl online and making friends from friends is super easy with this placement as well💞

#astro observations #astrology #natal astrology #natal aspects #astro rant

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problematicfavesareproblematic · 3 years

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NSFW Alphabet- Joe Toye

A = Aftercare (what they’re like after sex)

Ok, so here’s the 411- Joe gives it his all when y’all are fucking. He’s flipping you around into different positions, he’s gripping whatever part of your body he can get his hands so he can reach deeper faster harder better, Joe is fully prepared to do all the work.

That being said, the boy’s EXHAUSTED by the time he’s done with you. You’re lucky if he doesn’t collapse on you in a sweaty, sleepy mess. But after he’s had a second to regroup and rally- he’s totally down for some pillow talk.

WARNING: it’s going to be in that sexy husky voice of his, which means round two is imminent.

B = Body part (their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

Ok, so our Joe’s hot. Like, really hot. He is fully aware of how good he looks- sometimes to the point of arrogance. If he had to pick just one part of himself, it’d probably be his arms. He likes knowing that he can always fight his way out of a sticky situation, but what he really likes is how your hands feel when they clutch at his biceps while getting sexy. (He also really gets soft when you run your fingers up and down his arms/forearms while sitting around and talking with the guys shh shh shh)

On you? Your hands- this boy never thought of hands being sexy until he watched yours dance across a map while discussing plans of action. His eyes followed their motions like a moth follows a flame- and when they touched HIS HAND for the first time? Boner city. Population: this guy.

C = Cum (anything to do with cum, basically)

MESSY BOY. OH MY GOD.

He’s BIG into marking you, and if you gave him the ok (he always checks first) he’d gladly paint you in it (he gets very caveman when it comes to marking you as his ffs what a horndog).

But if you aren’t into that? Not a problem. Simply seeing his cum on your hands (which we’ve established he’s super into) is enough for him. Inside of you works too, FYI. He’s very accommodating.

D = Dirty secret (pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

He once secretly got off in class while watching you disassemble and reassemble your rifle. Your fingers moved so fast and confidently that he couldn’t help but wonder what ~other~ confident things they could do (his mind instantly pictured you fingering yourself and he’s only a little bit sorry about how depraved he is). He’d kneaded the heel of his hand against his cock under the table and to this day he has no idea how he wasn’t caught.

E = Experience (how experienced are they? do they know what they’re doing?)

Experienced is a good way to describe Joe, bc in cruder company he’d be called a fuckboy. He’s had more partners than the average Joe (lol sorry) but not nearly as many as someone like Tab or Nix or Liebgott have had. He just lived a full-ass life and, due to him being a stud, he’s never been wanting for company.

F = Favorite position (this goes without saying)

Anything with him on top is his comfort zone. He likes feeling in control, and he really likes being able to see how good he’s making you feel.

Bonus points if he can grip your neck a lil bit.

G = Goofy (are they more serious in the moment? are they humorous? etc.)

Joe is goofy in the sense that he likes to tease you, maybe antagonize you a lil. He knows that you get off on it- that you like when he points out how good he’s making you feel, or lightly chastising you for how quickly you’re going to cum. He doesn’t mean it, and if you were ever to tell him to back off he’d be totally down.

H = Hair (how well groomed are they? does the carpet match the drapes? etc.)

Dark, curly, trimmed but not ~groomed~, you know?

I = Intimacy (how are they during the moment? the romantic aspect)

Personally, He seeks to establish intimacy during the afterglow, curling around you once the sweat has cooled and your breathing has evened out. Face touches, greedy but sweet kisses? Joe Toye’s your guy.

HOWEVER!: If he thinks you could use some during the act, he’s game. If you ask for it? HE’S WHATEVER MORE THAN BEING GAME IS. Get over here, hot stuff.

J = Jack off (masturbation headcanon)

He does it whenever he feels the urge. It’s not a huge deal for him.

He’d prefer sex with you obviously, but if you’re not feeling it or it’s not a good time then he’ll take care of himself. In a perfect world, you could both do some mutual masturbation. He absolutely thinks of you while he does it, tho.

K = Kink (one or more of their kinks)

Choking kink. Wow wow wow. Nothing extreme- he doesn’t feel comfortable cutting off your airflow or anything, but a hand around the throat certainly adds a nice primitiveness to the experience.

If you choke him, however: different story.

Joe finds that EXTREMELY hot. Oh my God. It plays into his weird obsession with your hands/touch. It reminds him that you’re just as into him as he is with you, and he is a big fan of you getting a lil rough with him now and again.

Pin him down by his throat as you ride him? He’s done for.

L = Location (favorite places to do the do)

Any time, anywhere- as long as he can be sure that you won’t be interrupted. There are exceptions to this (see Risk).

M = Motivation (what turns them on, gets them going)

Little touches from you can really get him going. Lacing your fingers with his as you both ride in a truck from location to location. Your eyes finding his as you talk business with someone else. The gentle scratch of your fingernails through the shorter hairs at the base of his skull. You also get a certain look in your eyes when you’re feeling frisky, and the moment he sees that, sexy with you is all that he can think about.

N = No (something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

Doing anything to you that leaves more than a bruise. Hickeys? Awesome. Speckles of bruises on your hips from where his fingertips dug into your skin a bit too hard? Hot.

Deep shadows around your throat left behind from him holding you a little too hard? NO NO NOPE THAT’S NOT OKAY.

It reminds him too much of violence, of someone trying to escape the touch of another and being denied freedom. Once, a German soldier had tried to choke you out so you wouldn’t alert anyone of his presence and Joe. Fucking. Lost it. His brass knuckles were nearly fused to his skin by the time Joe was done with them.

Tl;dr- deep marks on his girl? He’ll kick someone's ass. He’ll kick my ass. He’ll kick his own ass

O = Oral (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.)

He’s a fan of both! When he’s going down on you, he’s all about results- what will get you off the quickest and hardest. Overstimulation King (but in a good way).

When you go down on him and make a point to draw the process out as long as you possibly can, he just about cries with need. He’ll beg you to give him more so he can finally cum, but secretly he’s hoping that you’ll keep edging him bc dear god you’re so beautiful and evil and wow your nails scratching down his stomach feels good.

P = Pace (are they fast and rough? slow and sensual? etc.)

FAST. Like I said before, he’s all for getting you off quick and hard. He likes the feeling of his muscles trembling with exhaustion as he pistons into you with ruthless speed, likes the way it makes your body shake and bounce and sheen with sweat. He really likes being able to just fall asleep with you afterwards, so his goal is to tire out the both of you.

Q = Quickie (their opinions on quickies, how often, etc.)

Ok, so here’s the thing- before you, most of his sexual history could be considered quickies. He didn’t like the idea of lingering too long after doing the do, so a quick fuck in the closet of a bar was his bread and butter. Remember: the quicker the better.

But since you, he’s decided that he’s good with both quickies and...slowies(?). If he’s feeling frisky while you both are out or just about to go out or in any sort of time crunch, he lets you know by coming up to stand behind you and wrapping his arms around your torso, gently pulling you back until you can feel his hardening cock against your backside.

If you rest one of your hands on his forearm and squeeze it- then you’re not feeling it rn and he backs off (or excuses himself to take care of it bc he’s practical like that). If you lean back into him or turn your head to the side so he can kiss your cheek- it’s go time. Meet him in the bathroom, bc someone’s about to get their world rocked.

R = Risk (are they game to experiment? do they take risks? etc.)

JOe is fine with public sex as long as he knows/can predict who or what could possibly figure out what the two of you are doing. And even then, it’s going to be sneaky. You sitting on his lap with his dick in your pussy? Nice. pretending to lean over and whisper something to you while sitting at a booth (but actually fingering you? Dope.

He’ll basically go as far as you let him, but his big thing is not letting the two of you get caught by someone who will hold it over your ehad. Do’t fuck with his girl.

S = Stamina (how many rounds can they go for? how long do they last?)

Two and a half rounds- he always starts with getting you off with his hands, thigh, tongue (that’s the half round), then he cranks out the next two fast and unwaveringly. Ideally, the outcome for him is two orgasms for him and three for you. Bonus points if he can wring four out of you, but he’s not going to push it.

T = Toys (do they own toys? do they use them? on a partner or themselves?)

Probably didn’t own any of his own, but if you have a vibrator or something he’ll definitely use it on you. Would probably consider letting you use it on him, but only once he’s used it on you a couple times.

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)

Not very much in terms of edging teasing, but verbally he can be very antagonistic.

V = Volume (how loud they are, what sounds they make, etc.)

Loud and proud, but tries to keep the sounds in for as long as he can. You can always tell when he’s close by how vocal he’ll become. Huge whiner whenever you suck his cock or give him a handjob, bc you are so perfect and wicked that it literally overwhelms him.

W = Wild card (a random headcanon for the character)

Has at least one copy of the Kama Sutra. Bill gave it to him as a joke gift but Joe absolutely uses it for inspiration.

X = X-ray (let’s see what’s going on under those clothes)

Average length but girthy. He’s pretty proud of it.

Y = Yearning (how high is their sex drive?)

Pretty high, but something he can control. He knows it’s unrealistic to be able to fuck you whenever he wants (bc otherwise, you’d never leave his bed), so he’s able to channel that desire into anticipation for the next time he gets the chance to fuck you.

Z = Zzz (how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

SO FAST, OH MY GOD. But he doesn’t sleep long- it’s more like a power nap and then he wakes up and helps you clean up/cleans you up himself and then gets cuddly. Then he sleeps again. What a nerd.

~ ~ ~

taglist: @sunsetmando @ricksmorty @now-im-a-belieber @tvserie-s-world @holdingforgeneralhugs @mrseasycompany @itswormtrain @mrsalwayswrite @happyveday

#band of brothers imagines #band of brothers x reader #joe toye x reader #joe toye imagines #problematicfavesareproblematic

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spencers-renaissance · 3 years

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you know that a boy who likes boys is a dead boy

Summary: Spencer's gay. He joins the BAU and befriends the team, but it is 2003. It's a secret he has to keep. He just didn't expect it to be this hard.

Tags: gay!spencer, coming out, hurt/comfort, insecure!spencer, misunderstandings, angst with a happy ending, dad hotch, protective!hotch, protective!derek, childhood trauma TW: one instance of explicit homophobia, but it is referenced a lot, as is Spencer's internalised homophobia at the start of this fic. A shit ton of heteronormativity but tbh that's just canon lol

Pairing: Spencer Reid/OMC, Spencer Reid & Derek Morgan, Spencer Reid & Aaron Hotchner, The BAU Team & Spencer Reid

Word Count: 6k

Masterlist // Read on AO3

Consider this my contribution to pride month 😌 I've waited so long to post it and I'm so glad I'm finally doing it because it's definitely one of my all time favourites <3 Gideon is here somewhere but just like with all my early season fics he's not really part of the plot I combined my moreid and gen taglists bc it was hard to know the audience for this, but just ignore it if you're not interested!

you know that a boy who likes boys is a dead boy, unless he keeps his mouth shut, which is what you didn’t do, because you are weak and hollow and it doesn’t matter anymore. — richard siken, a primer for the small weird loves

Spencer has only told one person in his whole life.

His mother guessed. For as long as he can remember, she’s used gender neutral pronouns when talking about his future partner, read him all the gay literature she could find, promised him that he’s perfect just the way he is.

The trouble is that Spencer only believes her until the first grade, when Ryan Sampson shoves him over in the playground and calls him gay. His mom had only ever used that term in a sweet, loving way, taking care to associate such words with positivity, as long as his dad wasn’t around to hear. When that word comes out of Ryan Sampson’s mouth, it is not said with sweetness and love; it is said with venom, and Spencer learns quickly that his mom is wrong. He is not perfect just the way he is.

And so, he keeps it a secret. When his mom notices him getting uncomfortable at the mention of future partners, she stops bringing it up, though she refuses to give up the diverse education she provides for him outside of school. His dad tells him that one day he’ll be a strapping young man and marry a nice girl in a church, and Spencer nods along. He ignores the way his stomach turns with anxiety at the thought. Ignores the screaming match his parents have that night. Ignores the fact that it started because Diana chipped in with ‘or boy’.

He’s in high school by the time he’s twelve, and the only part he’s grateful for is the absence of pressure to get a girlfriend. His dad’s out of the picture now, and Spencer tries not to let himself think that maybe if he wasn’t like this he might have stayed. Diana’s so out of it most days that she doesn’t remember what she noticed about him when he was a child, only recalling the last few years of shoving himself so far back in the closet he can hardly see the door anymore.

It feels like he’s lost his last ally.

(He hates that a small part of him feels relieved she doesn’t remember; that he almost feels assured by the fact that the last person to know who he really is has forgotten. There is only this version of Spencer Reid now. No other exists.)

He makes the mistake during his second undergraduate degree. He’s just turned eighteen but he is already a doctor and, fortunately, this alienates him from most of his peers, but someone manages to slide past his defences. Ethan Miller is twenty, in the second year of his (first) undergraduate degree in Chemical Engineering, and he’s nice. Spencer doesn’t have a lot of experience with friendship, but they get on well and Ethan makes him laugh. For the first time, he feels comfortable in the presence of anyone other than his mother.

They slip into an easy friendship: waiting for each other after class — Spencer back in the undergraduate buildings now he has his first PhD under his belt — and going out for ice cream and pizza and Thai food. Ethan goes to parties while Spencer studies, and then they reconvene to watch Doctor Who and play cards.

For almost a year, Spencer keeps his secret carefully locked up, hidden behind the mask he’s perfected after so many years. Even though he’s eighteen, nearly nineteen now, he doesn’t try and explore that side of himself. No, that’s far too risky. He doesn’t try and pretend any other way either, he just stays silent and lets people’s assumptions lie for him, but he can’t help the longing that claws up his throat when he locks eyes with a passing guy on campus. One time, he’d seen two men kiss on a bench in the city, and he’d run back to his dorm and had a panic attack. Why couldn’t he have that?

The feelings don’t stop, and he doesn’t know how to make them. He hates that he isn’t normal, but still longs for the touch of a man, the feeling of being wrapped up in strong arms, of being kissed by dry, chapped lips, and falling asleep to a heartbeat approximately 11% slower than that of a woman’s.

It’s a constant battle inside him, emotions raging, and he struggles to control it, suppress it, tame it.

He pays a sorry price.

Ethan makes him feel comfortable, and that turns out to be a detriment. He relaxes around the other boy: he tells him about growing up as a pre-teen in a high school, about how a child feels living 260 miles away from home, even about his mother’s illness.

And one day, it slips out. They’re on the beach, lying on towels as they look up at the blue sky, talking about what their futures will look like: Ethan will be a successful chemical engineer in Berlin, and Spencer will work for the FBI, profiling serial killers.

“You’ll have to marry a German girl,” he tells Ethan. “It’ll be tough to convince an American girl to move all the way to Germany as soon as you graduate.”

“Yeah, and what about you? You’ll be off fighting crime around the country, not much of a life for a family.”

“Oh, I imagine my husband will be the type to—”

“Husband?”

Spencer freezes. It shocks him as much as it shocks Ethan. He doesn’t even pay much attention to Ethan’s disgusted face and his outraged tirade. He hears slurs and insults, hears him say that he can’t believe Spencer tricked him like this, that he was probably waiting to make a move on him, that he was never to look in Ethan’s direction again, but Spencer is frozen in time.

He’s never allowed him to think much about what his personal life might look like in the future, but he’d said ‘husband’ on instinct, without thinking, and it’s clearly something he actually wants. Ethan’s words sting, but the moment brings about a realisation Spencer is thankful for; it instigates a journey of self-discovery and self-expression, of the joy of living as your true self.

He loses his first and only friend, but he gains something much more valuable. He visits gay bars — nervously sipping a non-alcoholic drink in the corner at first, before soon becoming confident enough to respond to the men who sidle up to him and ask for his name. He lets go and dances the night away, sometimes going home with one of the many dance partners he acquires during the night, sometimes heading back to his own dorm happily alone.

Makeup and dresses and skirts and heels make their way into his wardrobe, and he befriends girls and drag queens and other gay men who encourage him to be exactly the way he is. And the best part is, he never has to come out to any of them. All of them know, and that’s good enough for everyone.

The fun comes to a sad sort of slow, however, when he joins the BAU. Everyone knows law enforcement’s relationship with the LGBT community is less than adequate — Spencer’s seen it with his own eyes: butch lesbians and men in dresses getting roughed up by angry police officers for ‘lewd behaviour’ or ‘drunkenness’ when they’re just being themselves. It’s not safe for him to tell anyone, so he doesn’t.

He still goes out with his friends when he’s in town and wears makeup and dresses and crop tops when he’s at home, but presents as rigidly straight Dr Spencer Reid to his team at the BAU.

The hardest part about it is that he loves his team. He’s known Gideon for years — and he wouldn’t be surprised if he suspects something after coming over to his house unannounced one night, only to have a man other than Spencer open the door — but he settles into a comforting dynamic with Hotch. He can’t help but see him as something of a father figure, and he knows Hotch has a soft spot for him, always looking out for him and taking him under his wing without a moment’s hesitation.

Elle, JJ, and Penelope all take a shine to him, too, teasing him without a hint of malice in their tones, only the kind of playful kindness that reminds him of his mother. He forms a special bond with Penelope and they spend hours watching Doctor Who together and geeking out on all the areas their interests overlap, and the comfort he feels with her matches the comfort he’s found with his new group of queer friends.

(She doesn’t hold a candle to Ethan, he decides one night, after he’d cried at a movie she’d made him watch and she felt so bad she made him hot chocolate and jam toast and cuddled him until he felt better.)

Derek becomes a brother to him. He puts him in a headlock at least once a day — which Spencer has been reliably informed by multiple sources is a very brotherly thing to do — and teases him relentlessly, while simultaneously being fiercely protective of him. Enough so, that Spencer sometimes wonders if he even has Hotch beat in that department.

He loves his team and his team loves him. It should be simple. It is still 2003.

He comes in one morning late for a briefing, his shirt buttoned wrong and his hair is a mess, and he’s fairly sure that his attempt to cover the hickey at the base of his neck with concealer has been ultimately unsuccessful. It’s obvious why he’s late. Gideon is too engrossed in the case file to notice, but Hotch raises an eyebrow, an amused look on his face as everyone else immediately takes to teasing him.

“Who’s the lucky lady, pretty boy?”

Elle raises an eyebrow to match Derek’s shit-eating grin, “Someone definitely got some strange last night.”

“When do we get to meet her, Spence?” JJ asks, smirking as he takes a seat.

He’s bright red — as if he needed to look any more debauched — and Spencer tries to ignore the hurt that seizes his chest at the reminder of his need to stay quiet. This team respects him, and he can’t throw that away just because Spencer gets too comfortable.

God, he wishes Penelope was here.

“None of your business,” he mutters, trying to keep his tone light. He fails.

Naturally, Hotch notices and swiftly moves the briefing on, and Spencer keeps his gaze locked on the case file, not missing the absence of a reprimand from his superior. He’s constantly thankful for the older man, but in this moment, he wishes he could hug him.

(A voice that sounds dangerously close to Ethan’s rises up and taunts him in his ear: he wouldn’t want a dirty homo like you anywhere near him—)

Derek doesn’t let up on the case, continuing to bug him about the special lady in his life. He does concede that it could’ve been a one night stand, which is one front he’s right on, but a couple more concessions are necessary before Derek comes close to the truth of last night.

Eventually, Derek stops, and Spencer notes that the cessation of comments comes suspiciously close to the last time Derek and Hotch were alone together. He doesn’t have it in him to feel angry at Hotch for stepping in when he had it handled; doesn’t have the energy to act as though his pride is wounded, because really, neither of those things are true, and he doesn’t need to add another item to ‘Spencer Reid’s List of Things He Pretends to Be.’

The situation is forgotten, and time moves on.

Things change when he finds his first proper boyfriend. He doesn’t know what he was expecting, but it certainly wasn’t the giddying rush of emotions it turns out to be, and Spencer spends his days smiling as he daydreams his time away.

His name is Oscar Wilkins, a History professor at Georgetown University, and Spencer falls quickly in love with him. Ever since their mutual friend had introduced them at a gay bar one evening, they’d spent all their free time together. He’s kind and gentle and understanding of Spencer’s hectic and unpredictable job, and he finally has the chance to experience everything he quietly and shamefully longed for as a teenager.

The only downside is the silent breaking of Spencer’s heart that the most important people in his life can’t meet his boyfriend. He longs to show Oscar off, to hold hands in front of his team, lean up to press a tender kiss to Oscar’s lips. He wants to put a framed picture of the two of them at the Washington Monument on his desk to remind him of why he needs to get through the hard days; he doesn’t want to have to sneak out of the hotel room he shares with Derek to whisper hushed, loving goodnights over the phone.

But he’s too scared. Too cowardly.

It’s different being who he is with his gay group of friends littered with wlws and drag queens and other gay and bisexual guys. They understand.

But Derek and Hotch are two extremely masculine, alpha men: Derek’s a ladies’ man and Hotch is married to a woman he met in college with a baby on the way and both have a strong and dominant energy that still sometimes manages to intimidate Spencer even after all these years. And Elle and JJ are lovely — some of his closest friends, really — but sometimes they remind him a little too much of the mean girls he went to high school with.

The hardest person to keep his secret from, though, is Penelope. She’s his best friend and he desperately wants to give her all of him, but he’s so scared. He’s lost a best friend to this secret before, and even though he’s certain she’d be fine with it, what if she accidentally let it slip to Derek? What if Hotch found out and didn’t see him in the same light anymore? What if the girls started teasing him? What if Gideon didn’t want to mentor him anymore?

The fear paralyses him. And it’s a cycle he doesn’t know how to break.

Fear, though, doesn't stop everyone from noticing his daydreaming, his dopey smile when he checks his messages, his urgency to get home where he would’ve stayed until the small hours of the morning before. As excellent as he is at hiding his sexuality, he’s fucking terrible at hiding the fact that he’s in love: it was easy enough to pretend he was straight, but hiding something this all-consuming is an impossible ask.

Derek comes over to perch on the edge of his desk one afternoon, sighing as he sits down. “Pretty boy, this is getting ridiculous,” he says, snatching Spencer’s attention away from his phone. “You’ve been grinning like an idiot for the last twenty minutes as you’ve texted Future Mrs Reid. When are we going to meet her?”

(He hates the new nickname the team has given his mystery significant other, although Oscar had found it hilarious. “It’s funny because when we get married, we’ll hardly be able to tell,” he’d argued through his laughter. “Neither of us will change our name because of our academic profiles, and we’ll both still be ‘Dr’. Our wedding rings will be the only indicator.”

Spencer hadn’t argued back, because he’d been too tongue-tied and flushed pink at Oscar’s use of ‘when’ in regards to their hypothetical nuptials. It was only made bearable by Oscar kissing him gently and tucking him under his arm, not embarrassing him any further as Spencer had sort of anticipated, warmth settling over his chest at the thought of their future together.)

“You won’t,” he replies, perhaps a little too curtly.

Derek starts at that, clearly not expecting it. He definitely should’ve tried to play it off as a joke. “What— should I be offended, pretty boy?”

You wouldn’t call me that if you knew who I really am.

“That’s up to you, Derek,” he says calmly, although he still can’t meet his eyes, “but you won’t meet the ‘Future Mrs Reid, so I think it would probably be best if you left it alone.”

“Damn,” Derek mutters under his breath, clearly pissed off and probably more hurt than Spencer ever intended. “Suit yourself.”

And with that, he gets up and leaves his desk. Spencer’s only solace is the text message he sees on his phone when he picks it back up: I love you so much. You know that, right?

The light-hearted ridicule comes to an abrupt halt after the incident with Derek, and it’s clear that he had been the biggest contributor to the teasing. He’s thankful that the jokes have stopped, but he wishes desperately that it didn’t come with the growing distance between him and his team. Loneliness takes the place of his previous irritated anxiety, and he isn’t sure what’s worse.

It all comes to a head at the end of a case in Michigan. They’re stuck in the lounge of the small inn they’d stayed in the last few days, a snowstorm having blocked them in and grounded the jet, although Gideon had long since retreated to his room. The fire’s going and they’re the only guests around, so it’s cosy enough, but Spencer can’t help but feel sick at the idea of another night away from home.

It’s only been two weeks since he’d snapped at Derek, but the chasm between him and the team is only widening with each passing day. He knows it’s not a case of ‘pick a side’, but the team’s morale relies on light-hearted banter and teasing, and him not being a part of that anymore has only brewed awkwardness. Everyone’s trying to give him space when space is the last thing he wants.

Oscar’s keeping him company over the phone at least, but it’s not quite enough to quell the loneliness swimming around his stomach, and the 'discrete' sideways looks he gets from the team only make him feel worse.

“At least it’s nice and toasty in here,” JJ sighs as she takes a sip of the hot chocolate the kindly inn owner had made for them all.

Elle hums in agreement. “There are worse places to be grounded.”

“I dunno, man, I just wanna get home,” Derek says, not taking his eyes off the fire. Spencer can’t help but agree.

“Oh, come on,” Hotch muses, considerably more jovial now the case is over, “we’re here, and that’s not going to change any time soon. We should make the most of it.”

“It’s at least nice to be somewhere sort-of Christmassy now it’s December,” Elle points out. “We could be stuck in a dingy police station like we probably will be next week.”

“Ooh, I noticed that Jemimah and Kiran started planning the Christmas party last week,” JJ says, smiling at them. “I offered my help, but they seem to have it covered.”

Hotch raises an eyebrow“That’s probably a good thing. You don’t need more work on your plate.”

“Not gonna argue with that,” she murmurs, smiling as she brings her mug to her lips again.

Spencer doesn’t miss that Derek is still stewing on the opposite side of the room.

“Are you looking forward to the Christmas party, Spencer? Will you come?” Hotch asks, clearly trying to rope him into the conversation, which he appreciates. He’s been making a lot of effort with him the past few weeks, and it’s just about the only thing that’s getting him through each day.

Before he can reply, though, Derek erupts from the other side of the room; an already pissed-off man being pushed over the edge. “He won’t even let us meet his fucking girlfriend, Hotch, he’s not gonna want to come to the Christmas party!” he yells, throwing his hands in the air as he glares at Spencer with a stormy expression raging across his face.

Suddenly, Spencer can’t stay silent anymore, and his retort shocks himself just as much as it does everyone else. “I don’t have a girlfriend!”

It might be the loudest he’s ever shouted in his whole life. He’s always been quiet and restrained, the type to state his feelings as calmly as possible no matter how he’s feeling on the inside. Even in the biggest fight he’s had with Oscar, his voice was barely loud enough to qualify as a shout.

There’s a brief stunned silence, but Derek quickly slices his way through it, voice raising to meet Spencer’s fiery emotion, fierce and loud. “Oh, don’t even go there, Reid, you’re really gonna try and argue that? You’re gonna lie about her as well as not let us meet her? What a boyfriend you are.”

“I don’t! I don’t have a girlfriend!” he repeats, voice catching this time as tears rise unbidden to the backs of his eyes and all the emotions of the journey he’s taken with his sexuality over the years flood him in a wave of intensity he’s not prepared for.

“You’re fucking lying—!”

“I have a boyfriend!” he yells. “Alright? I have a boyfriend. I’m gay.”

The anger and emotion quickly dissipates, and he’s left standing alone in front of the team he’s put so much effort into hiding this from, watching shock spell out across everyone’s expressions. He’s never felt smaller than he does in that moment, and he quickly grabs his phone before running upstairs to his room, locking the door behind him.

“Oh God, Oscar, I fucked up so bad,” he cries over the phone as soon as his boyfriend picks up.

“Hey, hey, breathe, baby,” Oscar says gently, but Spencer can hear the anxious concern in his voice, “it’s gonna be okay, I promise. I’m here. Do you want to tell me what happened?”

“I just— Oh God, I just told the team.” A new wave of horror rolls over him as he realises what he’s done. Times might be changing, but it’s still only 2006, and he doesn’t know each and every nuance of his team members’ political positions and, fuck, he hates that his existence is a fucking political position.

Oscar’s been so understanding of his reluctance to not tell the team, even though Spencer’s met pretty much everyone in his life. He isn’t sure what he’s done to earn such a gracious and understanding boyfriend, but he’s not about to question it.

“Baby, I know it’s scary, and I know you’re really worked up right now,” he counsels, voice soft and reassuring, using the nickname he knows Spencer loves the most to make him feel as safe as he can from 700 miles away, “but it’s probably not as bad as you think. From what you’ve told me about the team, they love you so much, and even in the case that in the past they've had some issue with gay people, I can't imagine they’d ever actually think of you any differently when it comes down to it, Spencer.”

He’s crying too hard to reply, and Oscar understands immediately, gently transitioning into a story about his day that slowly starts to calm him down, and by the time he’s wrapping it up, his tears are starting to subside.

“Thank you, Ozzy,” he whispers into the phone, lifting himself up off the floor and making his way to sit on the bed instead.

“You know I’d do anything for you, sweetheart,” he murmurs warmly. “Do you want me to stay on the phone for a bit?”

“Yes please,” he whispers again, holding it as close to himself as possible, drawing all the comfort he can from his boyfriend’s voice.

He lies there listening to Oscar’s voice and trying not to think about the disaster downstairs for a good ten minutes before there’s a tap at the door.

“Oz, there’s someone here,” he says, voice panicked.

“I think you should probably speak to them, baby,” he urges. “I’ll stay on the phone with you while you do, if you like?”

“Please.” He gets up from the bed gingerly, keeping his phone tightly gripped in his right hand as he slowly unlocks the door with his left, revealing Hotch on the other side.

“Hey, Spencer. Do you mind if I come in?”

He’s riddled with nerves, but Hotch is smiling warmly, and he’s never said a harsh word to Spencer, so he steps aside and lets him into his room.

Hotch quickly notices the phone in his hand, visibly still on a call. “Is that your boyfriend?”

Spencer nods.

“Do you mind if I talk to him?”

His brows knit in confusion and his lips part slightly in surprise, but it’s all he can do to hand the phone over, watching Hotch carefully.

“Hi, Spencer tells me this is his boyfriend?” Hotch inquires politely into the phone, his tone still warm. “I’m Hotch, Spencer’s boss.”

He can vaguely hear Oscar speaking on the other end of the line, and he worries slightly that Oscar will somehow give away the familial feelings he holds for Hotch, but the conversation doesn’t last long enough for the anxiety to really take over.

“Everything’s fine here, I just want to have a conversation with Spencer, so is it alright if we hang up and I talk to him alone for a minute? He can call you straight back afterwards.” After a brief pause in which Oscar says something, Hotch looks back up at him. “Are you okay with that, Spencer?”

He nods hesitantly, and Hotch says a quick goodbye to Oscar before surging forwards and wrapping Spencer in a hug. It catches him off guard, but he doesn’t waste any time in burying his face into Hotch’s neck and soaking in the comfort and warmth that always radiates from his father figure.

“Come on,” Hotch says softly as they pull away a good minute or so later, “let’s sit down, shall we?”

“You’re not mad?” Spencer can’t help but ask, the question burning his tongue as anxiety — however quietened from Hotch’s hug — still swims around in his stomach.

“There are many things that could make me mad, Spencer,” he says earnestly, “but this is not one of them. I would never be angry at you for being who you are, okay? I might… I might be overstepping here, and if I am, then tell me and I’ll back off, but I’ve always seen you as a mentee, and over the years that’s developed— well, I see you more as a son these days. And part of that is wanting to protect and support you no matter what you do or say or who you are.”

Spencer wastes no time in diving back in for a hug, clinging onto Hotch for dear life as he hugs back, rubbing his back gently.

“I’m so sorry you didn’t feel like you could tell us sooner, Spencer,” he says in a voice soft with affection and regret. “But I’m so glad you’ve told us now.”

He only presses closer at that, tears springing back to his eyes. “I didn’t want to lose you.” He knows what he’s implying, and even in a roundabout way, he’s glad he’s telling Hotch.

“Oh, Spence,” he sighs sadly, “you couldn’t do a single thing to lose me. I’m in it for the long haul.”

“Really?” he asks, hating how insecure he sounds.

“Really,” Hotch promises, pulling away as Spencer does. “Now, you have a whole team of agents downstairs who are feeling very sorry for themselves and really want to see you.”

Nausea rolls in his stomach and panic springs back up as he looks at Hotch, desperate for some sort of grounding. “Are they angry at me? Do they hate me now?”

“No one hates you, Spencer,” he says firmly. “I promise you that. Everyone just wishes that they’d made you feel more welcome and comfortable. We all hate that you felt you had to lock up something so integral to who you are, and we can’t help but feel we played a part in it.”

“No,” he protests — the last thing he wants is family blaming themselves when it has nothing to do with them, “it’s not your fault, it’s just…”

Hotch nods. “I understand, it’s okay. Now, do you want to go down and see them? You don’t have to if you don’t want to, but it might help ease your mind to see that they really don’t hate you.”

Spencer pauses, taking a moment to think. “Can I see Derek first?”

“Of course,” Hotch says understandingly, and the comforting smile that crosses his face makes Spencer feel safe and taken care of. “I’ll send him up?”

Spencer nods and Hotch hugs him once more before leaving the room almost reluctantly. He wastes no time in picking up his phone and sending a text to Oscar. You were right. Hotch is fine. He’s just sending Derek up before I go and see the team but he says that no one’s angry and I think I believe him. Thank you, Oscar. I love you.

Not even half a minute goes past before his phone lights up with a text back. I’m so glad, baby. Call me later, okay? I want to make sure you’re okay before I go to bed. I love you more.

Before Spencer can argue that actually, he is the one more in love with the other, a hesitant knock sounds on his door. Nerves suddenly flip his stomach, and he clenches and unclenches his fists a couple of times before forcing himself to cross the room, revealing a very worried and regretful-looking Derek.

“Oh, pretty boy,” he says sadly, before crushing Spencer in a warm and tender hug. Immediately, he relaxes into the arms of one of his best friends, and relief courses through his blood at Derek’s reaction. “I am so sorry that I ever made you feel like you couldn’t tell me that you were gay or had a boyfriend. That’s completely on me. I don’t care who you love, Spencer, I just want you to be happy, okay? And if this guy makes you happy, then that’s fine by me. But if he ever lays a hand on you or—”

“Derek, Derek,” he laughs, “it’s fine I get it. Thank you, though, I’m… I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you earlier and for snapping at you in the bullpen that time…”

“I understand, Spence,” he promises. “It’s in the past, okay? And I’m sorry for pushing so hard. I mean, I’d love to meet him but if you don’t feel comfortable or you don’t want to, that’s fine, too. It’s your life, man.”

“No, I… I think I want you guys to meet him. It’s been so hard to keep him away from the people I consider my family, you know?”

“Yeah, I know. Maybe after Christmas, we can all have dinner or something.”

Spencer smiles shyly. “Well, Oscar’s a great cook, so I reckon we could work something out.”

Derek grins, throwing an arm around his shoulders as he immediately jumps back into teasing him as they make their way to the door to go downstairs and see the rest of the team. “Ooh, lover boy’s got him a chef, hey? What else does this Oscar have going for him?”

Spencer chatters eagerly about his boyfriend to Derek, barely skipping a beat when he joins everyone downstairs, his friends taking his cues and joining in with the conversation seamlessly. He’s had enough fuss for one night, and the warmth and understanding on everyone’s faces tells him everything he needs to know.

“Do you have any pictures of him?” JJ asks, raising an eyebrow with eager expectancy as they all settle back into their seats by the fire, a warm and unbelievably happy feeling settling in Spencer’s stomach.

He blushes, digging out his phone from his pocket and unlocking it. “More than a few, I think.”

He finds the most recent picture of his boyfriend — a candid shot of him cooking in the kitchen, spatula aloft, and a huge grin on his face — and hands the phone around.

“Oh wow, you like them buff, huh, pretty boy?” Derek teases as soon as he gets his hands on it, and Spencer’s stomach twists in a sudden bout of fear, expecting to see some hesitancy or even disgust on his friend’s face. What if he thinks that Spencer has a crush on him? What if he’s uncomfortable around him now?

But if Derek’s having any of those thoughts, they don’t show on his face. He’s smiling widely and openly, all the pent-up anxiety and frustration borne from hurt gone from his body language, and he looks completely comfortable sat next to Spencer, his arm stretched out behind him on the back of the sofa.

They sit happily around the fire for a couple of hours, settling into a happy, intimate familiarity Spencer hadn’t realised was missing when he was hiding something so integral to his being from his family, and he’s still smiling when they finally part ways to head to bed, the clock ticking closer and closer to 1 am.

He gets ready for bed quickly, brushing his teeth and throwing on the top he’d stolen from Oscar the first time he’d stayed at his place; a welcome change from his worn and wrinkled suit. As soon as his teeth are brushed and the lights are all off except for his bedside lamp, he pulls out his phone, knowing there’s one more thing he has to do before he goes to sleep.

“Spencer?” Penelope’s voice sounds down the line, clearly concerned. “It’s almost 2 am here, are you okay?”

“I’m gay,” he says, getting straight to the point. The main reason he ever kept it from her was because of his fear of it accidentally getting out to the team rather than fear over her reaction. After all, multiple of his drag queen friends are also hers.

“Oh my God,” she says in that small voice she uses when she’s not actually talking to you, before finally actually replying to me. “Spencer, I’m so happy you told me!”

He doesn’t miss her choice of words, or the way she says them and he tilts his head suspiciously. “You already knew, didn’t you?”

She sighs. “Yeah. I’m sorry, a couple of months ago I saw a text from Oscar on your phone when you went to the bathroom during one of our Doctor Who marathons, and it wasn’t hard to figure out the relationship.”

“And… wait, you’re not mad at me for not telling you sooner?”

“Spencer! Of course not. I was waiting for you to be comfortable enough to share it with me. I felt awful that I knew without your consent but I didn’t want to tell you because I didn’t want to catch you off guard or make you feel uncomfortable. It’s fine that you waited, baby genius, I’m just so happy you told me now. What finally gave you the courage?”

“Well, it might have slipped out in front of the team this evening,” he admits sheepishly, “and the only reason I never told you was because I was scared that it would slip out somehow — accidentally, of course, I didn’t think you’d tell anyone on purpose — and now everyone knows. It’s been killing me not to tell you, Penelope, it really has because I love you so much and you’re my best friend and I trust you with my life, it’s just…”

“Whoa, slow down, Spence,” she laughs fondly, “you don’t have to explain yourself to me, I understand. But I’m glad you finally told everyone and you can be yourself completely with us, now. We all love you no matter what, you know that right?”

“I do now.”

“Good. You should get some sleep, baby boy, it’s late and you’ve had an emotional evening.”

Spencer smiles. “Yeah, I know. You should, too, Pen. I’ll see you when we can finally make it home, okay? Love you.”

“Love you, too, 187,” she says softly, and Spencer can hear the smile in her voice. “Goodnight.”

As soon as he hangs up, he settles down into the bed, turning off the light and pulling the duvet up over his shoulders before dialling one more number.

“Hey, baby,” Oscar says, voice as gentle and caring as it always is, although thicker with tiredness now. “I take it everything went okay?”

“Yeah,” Spencer murmurs, already feeling tired as the safety he always feels at the sound of Oscar’s voice settles into the fibres of his being. “It went so well. I can’t wait for you to meet everyone.”

“I can’t wait either, sweetheart. Are you in bed now?”

“Yeah,” he sighs. “Can you talk to me as I fall asleep?”

“Anything for you, Spence,” he says softly, before transitioning seamlessly into a story about the professors on campus, and his gentle comfort and the knowledge of the unconditional love his family has for him finally lulls Spencer into the best sleep he’s had in weeks.

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jaunebur · 2 years

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hellooo what is your top 5 georgebur songs? :))

HELLOOOOOO! I am finally getting here, you actually get 24 hours delivery, this is probs going to be long because ya girl loves an explanation ;)) btw all links are to youtube so anyone can listen immediately

l'amour dans le mauvais temps - mika

this song is actually the bane of my life bc it's only on youtube and some obscure french album but it is just... one of the most gorgeous songs ever. if you don't speak french you should just to understand this song. srsly. my favourite part is 'La météo cruelle, moi j'aime autant // Faire l'amour dans le mauvais temps' which essentially means that the weather is cruel but i love making love in bad weather just as much as normally and idk. has always made me cry and then when i think of grgbr and the florida issue i just think of this :( very sad but also very much love in the moment

don't you worry - oh wonder

i can't believe that nobody has mentioned this one yet!!!!! it's where the title of 'it felt like love', you know, the MOST iconic georgebur fanfiction (according to ao3 i have read it 16 times) comes from, and it is just one of the loveliest songs ever,, it has these GORGEOUS harmonies omg. i actually can't pick a favourite parts all the verses are just so gorgeous.. but to give a taste one of the lyrics is 'And in the morning, you adored me 'til the sun went down // And then I knew you were the one I couldn't live without // If I'm honest, it felt like love'

lover - taylor swift

i think this is probably one of the first georgebur association ones that i had, and i just love it sososososo much,, honestly one of the greatest love songs to exist but who am i to say it. anyway the lyric of this one that makes me go absolutely f e r a l is 'And you'll save all your dirtiest jokes for me // And at every table, I'll save you a seat, lover' and okay seeing it here it doesn't look that impressive but please srlsly give this song a chance it is so wonderful gorgeous them people in love okay-

clarity - zedd ft. foxes

ngl part of the reason this one is here is because it was on the radio once when i was having a mental breakdown because of a fic,, however it is so vibey and brilliant and georgebur. the lyrics are so good and it is so upbeat esp compared to the others. fuckin love this song. not traditional georgebur vibes, but this is what wilbur was saying when he said george im drunk and im lonely come visit me soooo. anyway taster lyrics ''Cause you are the piece of me I wish I didn't need // Chasing relentlessly, still fight and I don't know why' ;)

end credits - eden ft. leah kelly

was originally gonna end with a happy one but this song just punches me in the gut so hard i may or may not have tears in my eyes as i write this,but uhm, this song slaps so hard it is very sad but slaps so hard and honestly all the songs from end credits and i think you think too much of me are georgebur coded, but this one always hits me the hardest. anyway here's a lyric. i love eden. 'And all we'll ever need is another day // We can slow down 'cause tomorrow is a mile away // And live like shooting stars // You can wish away forever // But you'll never find a thing like today' ugh. my heart.

anyways that's it lol!!! think i might post some spotify playlists with my complete list of songs that i associate with them and also other ccs/cs/dynamics because fun fact the main reason i listen to any songs is because of who they remind me of, and most of my playlists are sorted by that!! hope you enjoy <3

#song recs #georgebur #grgbr #wigy #wiggy #wilburnotfound #wnf #wilbur can you stop making stupid ship names pls y can't it just be georgebur and censored georgebur srsly #my post

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huckleberryblossom · 2 years

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I have an announcement to make. Buzzardstar the warrior cat is a bitchass motherfucker he fucked my fucking wife

Dw about doing all of these I'm just like um 😳

Buzzardstar: 🌺 and/or⚡️

Orca: 🍁

Minnowwish: ☀️

Starlingsong: 🌈 and/or ☁️

mr steal yo man

Buzzardstar

🌺 warrior ceremony virtues

i think it would be so funny if his warrior virtues were like. loyalty and resilience. because at the time they would be fitting for him, before the journey and when skyclan was all he knew, he was actually devoted to his clan (despite hating like half of its members) but like. well. then he killed a sick kid and betrayed all of them and killed their leader so

⚡️ who would give them lives

ok ok ok i WISH i had written this down somewhere bc when he first became leader i thought about this literally all the time. all of his lives are probably very painful and also meant to be a jab at everything he lacks, to make it very clear no one approves of this. but i think duskstar and buzz’s mother are definitely in the ceremony, probably both at the very end. a fitting one for dusk would probably be justice--buzz will get whats coming to him after manipulating dusk and leaving him to die and taking over. i think vulture might give him one for love or compassion or something, because like. i mean what would You do if your son started killing people she would be so broken up about it all. and idk how kit would feel about this but if blossom’s parents were in it.... god. like god they would be SO pissed and make it as miserable as possible and if i had to pick a life from them it would be mercy. bc buzz viewed killing blossom as a mercy to her and skyclan in his fucked up way, since she was slowing them all down. and its a mercy that he isn’t just struck down then and there by starclan. idk i think it Fits. theres not a whole lot of other important figures in his life from skyclan who were dead by the time buzz became leader so i feel like he might get lives from important figures in other clans? who know what destruction he’s about to bring onto the clans, and are trying to give warnings

god this is so long im s.

Orcasong

🍁 favorite rp / moment

her death scene will ALWAYS make me cry and sob and it has nothing to do with orca and everything to do with seal. her death hit me the hardest like that shit hurteded to rp.... and the fact that it was like the morning after the blood moon makes it feel so. i do not Know something poetic about the first dawn with buzz finally dead and the knowledge that its all over and she still dies anyway just makes me hghghhhhhhhhhhh

but i also really enjoyed some of her moments in the med den with seal. their warrior ceremony where they were both too battered and weary to even walk up to the front of the crowd and they were just standing there holding each other up and i [check_out_how_hard_i_can_cry.jpg]

Minnowwish

☀️ ideal friendships

oof this one is harder bc i Barely used him before we timeskipped but he will always be friends with his mom <3 <3 but beyond that i think it will be Hard for him to make new friendships bc after the almost second war hes a little Afraid of the other clans and will probably stick close to anyone from riverclan

Starlingsong

🌈 something I want to happen in their character arc

i changed what i wanted out of her like every other week and now that the circumstances are different i think its probably going to change AGAIN kjdhzxkjhkjh but. i kind of want her to maybe mend some bridges with rc??? i think itll be hard and take a lot of time but i think if theyre all going to be. you know.

being Normal:tm: is such an integral part of her character now and this is gonna throw a huge wrench into what she was trying to achieve with just her clanmates, shes probably just gonna want to try and put all of it behind her or else she wont ever be just another face in the crowd

☁️ alternate clan au

oh my god ok i g. does buzzardclan count. because if buzzardclan had lasted longer i can absolutely see her having like. a truly evil au or something. she was Young when he took over, still a kitten, and though her siblings didnt really want to be with buzz she was the one who convinced them otherwise (at least thats what i remember happening??? i was so tied up with buzz at the time kajhsfsdkjhfgkjh) so like. i think with enough exposure to buzz she might not ever be on his level but she might end up doing some terrible things, especially if he kept them isolated from the rest of the clan and surrounded by the rogues instead

i also think a thunderclan au would be so interesting. because if buzz found out about his kits before he was exiled he WOULD have hunted them down, whether that entailed shadowclan handing them over after finding out (not sure what dark wouldve done) or him leading an invasion just like he did with riverclan. then just growing up in a clan your father destroyed, a clan where your father started exiling cats who spoke against him including the deputy and a medicine cat, a clan where your father killed their leader AND THE OTHER medicine cat, a clan where your father lied and manipulated all of them. he had his paws in every clan but thunder, sky, and river definitely got it the worst and being in any one of those clans would be so so interesting

#ask #sorry i wrote a novel for all of these

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staytiny-present · 3 years

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Ateez Coraline!au

DUDE I’M DONE WITH SCHOOL WHICH MEANS I CAN WRITE MORE YAYYYY!

anyway, this is meant to be a little headcanon thing for a series i’ve been planning that is, obviously, based on the movie coraline. it’ll be a reader insert for you to enjoy as well :) this is basically a “ateez as characters in coraline,” but my plan is to still make them unique to the story. i hope you like this!

warnings: this does not match at all swearing, angsty situations, borderline crack (you’ll see), i think i make one sex joke, allusions to depression - PLEASE take caution when you read yunho’s part. i don’t think i go into any specifics, but his gets serious that i just want you to be aware

Reader’s backstory: you’ve lived with your grandmother who owns the pink palace apartments since you were a teenager so you can help her out as she gets older. the pink palace isn’t the most well-known, but it’s gotten a pretty negative rap since the disappearance of your best friend in high school. it’s hard living there still, but you know your grandma needs the support. you know nearly all of the ins and outs of the place, and all of the tenants adore both you and your grandma

Wooyoung and Yeosang ~ Spink and Forcible

tell me i’m wrong

that’s right you can’t

they’ve been friends for years and bicker and tease each other like they’re married and still love and support each other? yeah

wooyoung and yeosang are childhood friends

they mostly did dance in high school but they were also in theater, and they were kinda well known for being The Best™

they were recruited to join a lot of teams and a lot of colleges wanted them because they were just??? amazing??? how tf??

so yeah they earned a lot of recognition in high school that honestly got them really famous from when they were 16 onward

it’s been a few years since then and so the hype around them has definitely died down but we’ll get to that

they are currently still working on stuff in regards to dancing and acting

they’re technically in college too, but they do online classes so they can stay at home and work on their shows

wooyoung is the idealist while yeosang is the realist

like i said, they act like an old married couple always bickering and fighting but they really do love each other

ride or die best friends dude

it’s just that they say they’ll do certain things or are planning things soon and it just… doesn’t happen

that’s mostly idealist woo talking before yeosang can reign him in

so for years it’s been a lot of empty promises of new work that many people just stopped expecting things from them

and because of that they’ve past their peak and are basically just in limbo before they are actually able to make/perform their next show or something like that

they rent the basement apartment of the pink palace, and they’ve technically lived in there the longest actually

growing up, both of their families lived there so that was how they met and became the best of friends :)

they didn’t want to leave either but they had to for a couple years

but at least they stayed together :)

their families moved back when the boys were about a year into high school just because the old woman who owns the place is a gem and the city had a great school for them to go to

while they were living there though a boy around their age went missing, and it basically convinced their families that they should move out

wooyoung and yeosang were very adamant about staying, so their families told them you’re either moving away with us or finding a way to pay for the apartment yourselves

so the next day wooyoung and yeosang went out and found themselves some jobs so that they could

it upset their parents sure, but they were also kinda proud that they took so much initiative about this - they knew they would succeed in life

it also factored into why grandma let them stay because she knew the same thing

the sweet woman even said she would help them out from time to time :(

then cue the next 3-4 years where woo and yeo are making a bunch of money with their dances teams and performing in shows

they’ve gotten a good amount of money over the years that they’ve been able to renovate the basement so that it’s really nice

now they have posters of their “golden years” (as wooyoung says) from high school and their first years of college all around their place

they have a dog and have been seriously considering getting more because he’s getting kind of old :(

they don’t really get out much bc they are constantly trying to plan and work on their shows, but it’s fine because there’s nothing really close to the pink palace :/ the closest city where they went to school is quite the commute

but because of all this - the empty promises, the lack of activity, the radio silence - no one really takes them seriously anymore, and really people just stopped believing in them

it’s a major factor in their motivation and work ethic, but they try their hardest not to let it deter them from what they want to do in life

Mingi, San, and Jongho ~ The Amazing Bobinsky

trust me here ok?

mingi, san, and jongho start their own circus right out of high school

hear me out

the boys all went to high school together, but jongho is a year younger than them so they all graduated at different times

however they had a lot of classes together because they didn’t really care much about school and it reflected on their academics

so they were put in a lot of lower classes together that they all did well in, they just didn’t care about school

their circus started out as a joke honestly

it was probably edgy teen jongho who was like “ugh i hate school i should just drop out and join the circus”

and it became a running joke between them like haha yeah let’s join the circus, who would we all be tho?

mingi and san were both very adamant that jongho would be the strongman what with all his fruit breaking endeavors and the buff buff arms dude

san did martial arts and liked dancing and was very flexible so he was like ayy i’ll be the acrobat

it took them a while to decide what mingi would be because they were like “huh well what about the lion tamer?” “you know how much of a fraidy cat he is?” “ok well what about a trapeze artist?” “he’s a great dancer and flexible sure, but would he ever be able to have that kind of coordination?” “ok fine then what about a clown?” “fuck you guys”

they chose sword swallower mostly because like??? how does it work?? idk mingi should find out

and yeah for a while it was a running joke between all of them like yeah we’re gonna drop out of school and join the circus lol

but then come mingi and san’s senior year and they were like… hang on

could… could we actually do this? it sounds fun as hell

it went as far as them all researching circuses in their spare time and income and how to go about joining one

and it ended with them not wanting to live the lifestyle of a traveling circus

sure it sounded cool as fuck, but while they were somewhat willing to live with those conditions, they weren’t willing enough

so the next best thing for them would be to start their own circus

of course, how do you tell your parents that what you want to be when you grow up is a circus performer?

the answer: you don’t

whenever they were asked things likes “oh what do you want to do in college?” they all just kinda passed it off as they didn’t know, but in reality they didn’t really have any desire to go to college

you don’t need a degree to start a circus, so they didn’t really want to

once mingi and san graduated, they immediately started looking for affordable apartments where they could do their thing - start their circus

in all honesty they started looking before they graduated too, partially since they would be moving out after hs but also because they just felt better about not living with their parents

they had seen the pink palace in the newspaper a lot with a vacant attic apartment, and basically since they found out about it they were sold on it

a weird place in the middle of nowhere run by a woman who doesn’t mind housing younger people? perfect

they actually met her before they graduated so they could see about renting the apartment sooner or later

grandma all but told them it was there’s once she met the boys, and she understands that when they are finally able to start living there they will be pretty tight on money, so she doesn’t even make them pay the down payment - she does that herself and holds the apartment for them

because let’s face it: the pink palace isn’t very big,, it already has a good amount of people living there,,, how many people are actually gonna consider moving to the middle of nowhere to actually live there?

plus she likes these three boys, so she wants to help them as much as she can

so yeah once mingi and san graduate, they are basically ready to move into the pink palace

but this is technically after that boy went missing and after the case turned cold, so grandma doesn’t want to rent to anyone new

but she already assured the boys that the attic was theirs, and she’s not about to break that promise

so before giving the boys the keys she gives them the lowdown of what’s been going on and what will happen in the future

they know the boy went missing, but she explains to them all that happened and that it gives the pink palace a bad rap (even though she hardly cares about that), so she wouldn’t normally be doing something like this but they will be the last people she lets rent from her

and they don’t completely understand because they have no idea what this has been doing to the poor old woman, but they understand enough and are grateful for her that she’s still letting them live there

they decide then that it would be better for jongho to start living with them now even before he’s graduated just so it’s less of a change for grandma in the future

which jongho is totally okay with because he honestly would rather live with them anyway

but uh yeah mingi, san, and jongho are the last ones to start renting at the pink palace for a long while

they split rent three ways so that it’s less burdensome on them, and they all have jobs so that they can afford it

mingi and san work full time while jongho has a part time job while he finishes school

but full time they are all preparing and planning their circus!!

takes a lot of throat training for mingi 😏 since he is literally putting swords down his throat, and he started this basically right when they decided their circus was going to be real

san and jongho have advantages because they already have some skill in their areas, but that doesn’t mean they don’t train

san still takes martial arts and dance, and he’s even signed up for gymnastics to help him with his flexibility

jongho basically spends all of his spare times working out (mostly lifting weights) so that he can really be strong

but also jongho has a thing for rats/mice and is like “hey,, why don’t we use them for something so that it’s not just us?”

and the boys lowkey are like wtf dude why but then again who are they to shut down his ideas when they are literally starting a circus?

so they’re like fine but that’s on you to decide how to do that and to plan the act

jongho: yessss ratssss

also jongho: NO they’re not RATS they’re MICE these are MICE THANK YOU

this is the “jumping mice” aspect of the coraline movie with bobinsky just fyi

a lot of jongho’s time in school is spent in the science and psychology departments talking to teachers about animals (specifically rats/mice) and how to train and work with them

the teachers are all kinda like… what? but also they are just happy that jongho is interested in something enough to come to the teachers and ask questions and apply himself

lmao it’s not for school tho

so he learns a lot of this information at school and honestly this might be the only thing he learns at school because soon enough he’s graduating with a bunch of knowledge on how to work with and train animals

once out of high school he starts working full time too so that money and rent is even easier

all of their extra money that isn’t toward rent and bills and groceries go to their circus

they hardly ever buy new clothes unless it’s something for their circus

also the boys had to go to grandma to ask if they could house mice in their apartment, and while it was a hard no (unless they were trained and wouldn’t cause trouble), jongho still smuggled them in

grandma knows about it too (bc she knows everything that goes on for the most part lmao) but she doesn’t say anything because they don’t cause trouble and she likes the boys

the day one of them gets loose and starts terrorizing and infesting the pink palace is the day she intervenes and tells them to get rid of them

but jongho is actually really good at training the mice so it’s fine

my point surrounding all of this is to say that mingi, san, and jongho are in the long and arduous stage of their lives and their circus of planning and preparing everything

they only make so much money and have so many resources that setting up their circus and doing everything to prepare is going to take a long time before they can actually open and show people what they’ve been working on

they’ve been doing it for a few years now and they’ve still hardly made a dent

they have to train and perfect their acts sure, but they also have to do all of the logistical stuff like advertising, selling tickets, finding venues, paying for safety and legal stuff, etc.

and these boys are only in their early 20s, so it’s gonna take a while before they can actually open their circus

but they are determined and passionate, so if this is what they have to do then they will happily do it

Yunho ~ The Ghost Children

oh god this is gonna start getting serious i’m sorry

in case you can’t tell, yunho is the boy that goes missing from the pink palace

he and his family lived in the pink palace from when he was pretty young until he was in high school

he was also really good friends with wooyoung and yeosang because they were all the same age

however he was... not happy

he always worked his ass off dancing because that’s what he wanted to do, but it meant his grades in school tanked

this would obviously be worrying to some parents, and his gave him an ultimatum

either get your grades up and start taking school seriously, or you’re not going to be allowed to continue your dance lessons

the answer was clear to yunho, so he told his dance teacher that he would be taking a break for a bit so he can focus on school

everything was fine until he realized his parents had zero intentions of letting him go back anyway

he didn’t understand,, his grades were getting better so why couldn’t he go back?

to put it plainly, his parents said this:

“what kind of career could you make out of dance? you’ll never succeed”

it was crushing

it was then that yunho realized that his own parents didn’t care about what he wanted and was passionate about

he didn’t think they ever would either, so he just sort of... stopped believing in them

it wasn’t all bad because he had his closest friends and grandma (who treated him like her own grandson)

but he had some pretty bad days that made the happy and energetic boy almost completely unrecognizable

he would look at wooyoung and yeosang and see how successful they were despite still being in school

he would see how their talent was rightfully recognized and sought after

and he would get down on himself, thinking how he wanted the same thing but fearing no one would see him

that’s why he worked hard at everything he did, why his motivation plummeted, and why he nearly wore himself out before even graduating

but one day he started acting strange

everyone noticed how a switch seemed to flip in him

that excited glimmer was back in his eyes, and no one knew why

don’t get me wrong, everyone was so happy to see the smiley yunho was back, but everyone wanted to know what happened

but he hardly made any sense when he told them

he supposedly found a place in the pink palace where he could do what he wanted, but whenever he tried showing anyone he couldn’t? the door was bricked up

everyone started thinking he made it up, that the stress was finally getting to him and he dreamt up a place like this so he wouldn’t lose his mind

that glimmer was gone again, and he stopped trying to talk to people

in fact, he closed himself off from everyone

the day he went missing was the scariest day for everyone in the pink palace

everyone was devastated, but it completely changed his parents

grandma advised them to move out while the police investigated, but they refused despite how hard it was

but after a year the case became cold

no one could find yunho nor could anyone figure out what happened to him

he just disappeared without a trace

his parents still tried to stay though because they needed to find out what happened to their son

but they couldn’t. no one could

it wasn’t long before they too found it best that they move out of the pink palace

it was just too painful

that was the last time grandma ever rented to anyone new, so the apartment became completely vacant for years

even after they left, no one was able to figure out what happened to yunho

Seonghwa ~ The Black Cat

geomeun goyangi nero nero nero

uhhhh yeah seonghwa’s a cat lmao

he’s not owned by anyone and doesn’t have a collar or anything

he’s a stray that has been around for a while

he showed up pretty soon after yunho started distancing himself from people, but not soon enough for people to think that he’s an omen or something

and he’s not exactly

idk really how to explain it so i won’t lmao

he just sort of became the pink palace’s cat???

grandma takes responsibility for him though and makes sure he’s fed and has a place to rest and play if he ever feels like it

which is nice and all but he doesn’t?? do any of those things?

he comes and goes a lot sure,,, no one really knows where he goes but they know he’ll be back

but when he hangs out around the pink palace? he just... wanders?

it’s hard to explain but it’s almost like he is surveying the domain, like he’s searching for something wrong

he’s a weird cat

not only that though, but he doesn’t eat? or sleep? at all???

at least no one ever sees him sleeping or eating

he’s always getting into shit tho, like he’s always there when you don’t want him to be

there have been many times wooyoung has kicked him out of the apartment because the dogs hate him

mingi and san also try to keep him out because of jongho and his rats mice, but honestly jongho is pretty cool with him

because he doesn’t do anything to the mice? he literally just sits there and watches with wide and curious eyes

sure jongho worries about hwa one day stealing one of his mice for grandma to see so that she can make him get rid of them or kick them out but that’s not going to happen right?

hwa is chill tho, so jongho is chill

the cat would follow yunho around a lot, and a lot of times they were seen curled up together

yunho would be taking a nap the poor boy but hwa wouldn’t

he would just be there to comfort him :(

honestly he liked yunho and his best friend the most and everyone could tell jongho was a close second tho

they all came to start calling him mars instead of The Cat™ since they didn’t know his name

they still call him The Cat™ when he pisses them off but i digress

despite how fucking weird he is though, everyone at the pink palace basically loves him

he’s just Their Cat™ ok?

sure he might be annoying and shifty, or he might be haunted, or he might even be immortal

he’s a really weird cat dude

but he’s part of the family,, they gotta love him

Hongjoong ~ Coraline

curtesy of inception era hongjoong

so joong is our main man here

at first he had no relation to the pink palace whatsoever,, he had never even heard of it

he lived with a friend in a fairly large city before and it was fine and all but WOW was it expensive

and it was honestly very stifling to hongjoong,,, he couldn’t really do everything he wanted to do there

he found the pink palace by accident

he was searching up affordable apartments to live in places that have good weather and conditions for gardening

let me explain though

hongjoong is in his downward stretch of college for a journalism degree, but he’s taking online classes with his move so that he can focus on that and working

he wants to work in gardening and writing, but he also really just wants to make stuff

his realistic plan is to work in journalism and write for like a gardening magazine or journal while gardening as a “side project” or something (like coraline’s parents do)

did somebody say florist joong? because i did

the dream job though would be to work in song writing or fashion or something artistic like that

he likes painting and making/customizing clothes so he would like to be able to make a career out of that

his goal is to eventually make his own business or store where he makes and sells affordable and sustainable clothes and accessories

he’s going for a degree in journalism with a minor in business, but he has been struggling with both so he has been debating dropping business

arguably it would be better for him to stick with business but most people in his life have told him he’s better in journalism and so he keeps at that mostly

he feels unfulfilled - he wants to plant a garden, he wants to make and alter clothes customly, he wants to make music

but he isn’t able to do any of that because what are the odds any of that ends up working as a career?

it might work for a little while but in the future he would technically be a small business, and maintaining a small business is difficult

at least with writing and working for a magazine/journal is stable

however it’s not what he’s most passionate about, thus he finds it hard to have motivation to work

he feels like a zombie going through his days the same as the last, just trying to get through school before he gets a 9-5 job that he’ll hate within a year (if that) doing something he doesn’t want to do

but hey, that’s adult life, isn’t it?

he doesn’t like to complain and feels guilty when he is ungrateful for his circumstances because he knows plenty of people (his parents included) that went down this route who ended up fine, which means he will too

the one person who always told him to go after what he wanted was his mom even though she technically “settled” in life

holy shit did i digress

but yeah in his search for an affordable place to live with good weather, there wasn’t a lot

but he also wanted a drastic change from what he was used to, and that was the pink palace

it was practically in the middle of nowhere, and the pictures (while pretty dull) showed potential for a great garden

it was perfect

however

it was a hard no from grandma when he called about possibly renting, so he wasn’t expecting her to call him back at all

grandma didn’t want to risk anything because of what happened with yunho

but with some convincing, she realized that she couldn’t keep holding on

while what happened was horrible, there was nothing that could be done as sad as it was

so she called hongjoong back about when the best time to come look at the pink palace would be

and the rest is history

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ibijau · 3 years

Note

a prompt (a/b/o, bc i like how you write it): the sunshot campaign has just ended, and nie huaisang is looking forward to a future in which he can devote himself to wooing lan xichen. the match would be a little scandalous—it’s rare for an alpha to marry in, as nie huaisang intends to—but alpha-beta pairs are perfectly normal, and lan qiren is certainly more accepting of his first nephew’s crush than of lan wangji’s. less than three weeks into peacetime, however, nie huaisang’s plans hit a massive snag: jin zixuan has presented as an omega, removing him from the jin line of succession (and nie huaisang cannot help but be a little offended by that, on da-ge’s behalf—omegas can lead just as well as anyone else! the jin succession tradition is just stupid). but that’s the way things are in the jin sect, and so madame jin is scrambling to put together a marriage to get her son out of lanling before the worst happens... and the top two candidates on her list just so happen to be lan xichen and nie huaisang himself.

hello and welcome to: I like that prompt a little too much and got carried away, so now it’s 8K long. Also on AO3

warning for some mentions of rape toward the end of the story

Nie Huaisang’s plan starts when, at the tender age of eleven, he is introduced to the boy who doesn’t yet go by the name of Lan Xichen and is about to become his brother’s closest friend. Nie Huaisang, young as he is, decides that this is his true love, and of course he must ensure Lan Huan and him have the most perfect future possible together. He learns about Gusu Lan, reads as many books as he can, educates himself in the four arts, and even makes a vague effort to somewhat improve his cultivation, all so he can be the perfect spouse for a future sect leader.

A little after turning fourteen, Lan Xichen presents as a beta. It is a small deviation from Nie Huaisang’s plan, who was firmly expecting his beloved to be an alpha, but that is no big problem. Lan Xichen is Lan Xichen, he is the most perfect person in the world. Details don’t matter too much.

Another deviation from Nie Huaisang’s plan occurs when, a few days short of his own fourteenth birthday, he presents as an alpha. That, of course, is an absolute disaster. Nie Huaisang doesn’t want to be an alpha. Qinghe Nie is full of those, and he isn’t too impressed with them. He is on the brink of a complete meltdown when he figures that if his brother can be an omega who has all the qualities of an alpha, then surely he can be an alpha living the easy going life of an omega, including marrying into another sect.

Of course Nie Mingjue isn’t very happy that Nie Huaisang refuses to behave like a proper alpha, like a proper Nie, but he can hardly make an arguments against that choice without undermining his own position, so it doesn’t matter. Nie Huaisang cheerfully goes back to planning his happy future, researching cases of an alpha marrying into another sect. There are more of those than he would have expected to find, and though it is mostly alpha marrying other alphas, Nie Huaisang now knows he can rest on a precedent to argue his case.

With all this settled, the hardest part of his plan begins: seducing Lan Xichen.

It is easy enough to be sent to the Cloud Recesses to study there. A little too easy, really. Nie Huaisang suspects that his brother wanted him to go there anyway just to have some peace, and in hopes Lan Qiren might straighten him out a bit. Nie Huaisang doesn’t mind though, since it gives him a chance to be close to the love of his life. He also doesn’t mind his dreadful grades which give him a good excuse to spend time with Lan Xichen, begging him to help. Lan Xichen, generous and kind and patient and perfect in nearly every aspect, as well as eager to be a good friend to Nie Mingjue, even by proxy, of course agrees and allows Nie Huaisang to spend far more time in his room than is probably reasonable.

It would be a little scandalous really, but when Lan Qiren once tries to raise the issue in front of his nephew, Lan Xichen just laughs gently.

“Huaisang is nothing more than a little brother to me,” he says. “How could anyone think any different?”

It is a hard blow to Nie Huaisang’s fragile teenage ego, and a new setback to his perfect plan. At the same time, he has been in the Cloud Recesses for almost half a year by now, and has already guessed that this is how Lan Xichen sees him. Two years of difference won’t mean much once they are adults and married, but right now it is a pretty big gap.

Having accepted this, Nie Huaisang changes his plan again, but not his goal. If all Lan Xichen needs from him at the moment is a less stuck up little brother than the real one, Nie Huaisang will be happy to provide. He likes making Lan Xichen laugh anyway, and it’s obvious that Lan Xichen enjoys having someone to guide and teach in a way Lan Wangji won’t allow.

He can be patient, when he needs to be.

He can also be exactly as stupid as the situation calls for. It’s easy as anything to completely fail his exams. Lan Qiren almost has a qi deviation on the spot after reading Nie Huaisang’s final test, and Nie Mingjue is furious, but he can deal with that just fine, as long as he gets to come back another year in the Cloud Recesses and make sure nobody else can seduce the love of his life before puberty fully hits and gives him his fair chance.

That second year in the Cloud Recesses proves to be a test of Nie Huaisang’s determination in ways he hadn’t expected.

In his defence, the world has many more pretty boys than he ever realised.

Lan Wangji, heinous little bitch that he is, got hit hard by puberty in the short time that Nie Huaisang went home. He’s suddenly a head taller than Nie Huaisang, and looking every bit the alpha that he is even though he’s a year younger. Nie Huaisang is devoured with envy because just two months ago, Lan Wangji was just a baby, but suddenly he is very, very handsome.

Then, there’s the other guest disciples as well. Most are pretty decent looking, but some stand out from the crowd. Jiang Cheng has a bone structure to kill for, sharp eyes, and his rare smile is as radiant as sunshine on the lingering snows of spring. And everywhere he goes, Wei Wuxian follows, tall and more graceful than any boy of fifteen has any right to be. They make a stunning pair of alphas, really, to the point that it worries Nie Huaisang when the three of them strike a friendship of sorts. First, because there’s a few times when he finds himself wondering what it’d be like to kiss one of them, which is an awful betrayal of his one true love Lan Xichen. Second, because his looks are already inadequate to begin with, so hanging out with those two only makes him look even plainer by contrast.

What Nie Huaisang needs, he decides after a few weeks, is someone less pretty than him to spend time with, so he’ll look somewhat handsome next to them. And so, after some brief consideration, his great plan changes again to adapt to this new situation.

Nie Huaisang becomes friends with Jin Zixuan.

Well, saying they’re friends might be pushing it. Instead, Nie Huaisang forcibly spends time with Jin Zixuan, when Wei Wuxian is being punished by Lan Wangji, Jiang Cheng is studying, and Lan Xichen is too busy as well. It’s rather clear that Jin Zixuan isn’t very enthusiastic to have company. Quite frankly, Nie Huaisang wouldn’t have picked him as a companion either, if he’d had a choice. Jin Zixuan is haughty, has no conversation, no humour, a bad personality, and is just all around boring. He is also tragically baby faced, hasn’t even presented yet, and has nothing to recommend him except for the fact that his father is sect leader. It is practically a charity case. Indeed, when Lan Xichen hears that Nie Huaisang has been trying to become friends with Jin Zixuan, he congratulates him on it.

“I think he is a rather lonely person, isn’t he?” Lan Xichen remarks. “I’m glad you’re trying to help him. Hopefully you’ll help him relax a little.”

“Like I do with you, Xichen-gege?” Nie Huaisang boldly asks.

Lan Xichen laughs a little awkwardly, and Nie Huaisang could swear there’s a spot of colour on the older boy’s cheeks.

“I suppose I do relax when I’m with you. Are you thinking of replacing me, now that you’ve found a friend more your age?”

“Of course not,” Nie Huaisang earnestly promises. “Xichen-gege will always be the most important person for me!”

Lan Xichen smiles gently at him. “You are a good boy, and I’m sure your brother will be proud of you. I know I am.”

Hearing this, Nie Huaisang nearly faints from happiness. Just for this, it’s worth it to put up with Jin Zixuan.

But in fairness, as weeks pass, Nie Huaisang finds it a little easier to be around Jin Zixuan. The other boy mellows a bit, like a wild beast being slowly tamed. And once Wei Wuxian leaves, Jin Zixuan suddenly isn’t so prickly anymore, now that nobody is constantly taunting him and picking fights with him. He even has a sense of humour, when you know how to spot it. The first time Nie Huaisang bursts out laughing over a muttered remark Jin Zixuan made, it’s hard to say who is most surprised.

Besides, Jin Zixuan is one of the few people Nie Huaisang has met who doesn’t judge him for not striving to be a perfect alpha. Just like Lan Xichen, Jin Zixuan is surprisingly accepting of Nie Huaisang’s peculiarities.

“I prefer someone like you over some alphas who act right in public, then do everything wrong in private,” Jin Zixuan says with open disdain one day, as they walk in a garden of the Cloud Recesses.

It is a beautiful summer day, and the school year is almost over, which makes Nie Huaisang rather sad. He had planned to stay another year, still to make sure that nobody else makes a move on Lan Xichen, but he’s starting to think it will be lonely without the other friends he’s made.

“Well, I’m hardly much of an alpha in private too,” Nie Huaisang argues.

Jin Zixuan shrugs. “Not in the typical way. But you’re very protective of the people you care about, right? And you like to make people feel included. Like me and Lan gongzi… even Lan er-gongzi, when he lets you. You really don’t like when people seem lonely, do you?”

A little embarrassed to have such kind motives assigned to his actions, Nie Huaisang doesn’t reply right away. He pretends to inspect some gentians near Jin Zixuan’s feet, admiring how the deep blue of the petals contrasts rather beautifully against the gold of Jin robes.

He can’t explain that he’s always around Lan Xichen because he’s madly in love with this perfect boy, or that if he’s nice to Lan Wangji, it’s mostly just because they’re going to be in-laws someday. Above all else, he absolutely can’t tell Jin Zixuan why he decided to start spending time with him, mostly because he’s changed his mind so much since then. Jin Zixuan really isn’t boring after all, and he’s not quite so plain after all. Even if his face is still a little too round and soft for his age, there are signs here and there of what a handsome alpha he will be one day. Out of everyone he's met this year, Jin Zixuan is Nie Huaisang's favourite new friend.

“Jin-gongzi is giving me too much credit,” Nie Huaisang says at last. “I just wanted a friend less annoying than Wei-xiong, and you happened to be there.”

“Is that why you only call me gongzi, when you’re never this formal with others?” Jin Zixuan asks, sounding… not quite hurt, he has too much self control for that, but still…

Well, still a little bit hurt, actually.

“I know how your sect likes formality,” Nie Huaisang explains. “I just don’t want to disrespect you.”

“The Lan too are very formal, but you call Lan Xichen ‘gege’ all the time.”

“Oh that’s different, that’s just because he’s my da-ge’s friend!” Nie Huaisang lies. “We’re close enough the two of us, so it’s fine to call him like that.” An idea hits him, and he leans toward Jin Zixuan with a wicked grin. “If you’re so jealous though, I can call you Jin-didi. Would that work for you?”

In an instant, Jin Zixuan’s face turns a bright red and he splutters in anger. Nie Huaisang can’t help laughing at that cute reaction.

“Who says I’m jealous?” Jin Zixuan explodes. “What’s there to be jealous about?”

Nie Huaisang pokes him in the ribs, still laughing. “Jin-didi, it’s fine to have a crush on an older boy, it’s normal! I understand, I really do! Thank you, Jin-didi, for entrusting your heart to me!”

“Stop calling me that!” Jin Zixuan shouts, so mortified that he’s nearly crying.

“Jin-didi! Don’t worry, this Nie-gege doesn’t mind at all. It happens, it’s because you’re probably going to present as an alpha soon, and so you’re looking for role models around you. I am so flattered, Jin-didi. It will pass though, everyone grows out of it, don’t worry.”

Jin Zixuan’s face is so red that he looks sunburned, and the dot of cinnabar on his forehead looks almost pale compared to his face.

“You’re so stupid,” Jin Zixuan hisses, shoving Nie Huaisang to the side and stomping away. “I don’t know why I even put up with you, you’re even more annoying than Wei Wuxian!”

Nie Huaisang is too breathless from laughter to stop him from leaving. It’s for the best anyway, Jin Zixuan looked like he might pick up a fight with him for offending his dignity like this, and Nie Huaisang doesn’t feel like being punched in the face.

Still, from that day on, he makes sure to call Jin Zixuan ‘didi’ every chance he gets, just because he makes such funny faces.

Nie Huaisang passes his exams at the end of the year, because Lan Xichen told him that Nie Mingjue really doesn’t want him to be away from home this long again, not when the Wens have been acting up lately. For a second, Lan Xichen seems a little sad when Nie Huaisang promises to do his best, but it must just have been a trick of the light. When Nie Huaisang blinks, Lan Xichen’s expression is warm and polite and slightly impersonal, as always.

It’s fine anyway, Nie Huaisang figures. They’re sure to meet again soon. And when they’re married, Nie Huaisang will be able to stay in the Cloud Recesses for good, and they’ll be happy, and Nie Mingjue’s paranoia won’t ruin all his plans anymore.

It turns out that Nie Mingjue’s paranoia was, in fact, justified all along.

That’s not such a big surprise, Nie Huaisang must admit. Others tend to think his brother is stupid, but he knows better. Nie Mingjue might be a big brute, but he’s a clever one who understands politics better than anyone would suspect. He doesn’t care to play the game, but he knows the rules and he watches the moves made by others. For years and years he’s tried to warn others of the troubles he’s guessed were coming, but no one listened.

Well, they’re going to listen now, Nie Huaisang figures as he makes his way to Nightless City to serve as hostage with other disciples of Qinghe Nie. It’s kind of hard to ignore when every young master or mistress from every sect in the country is being held and re-educated by Wen Ruohan’s minions.

The whole time they’re there, Nie Huaisang tries to play it cool, like none of this affects him. He’s somewhat lucky because the Wen don’t seem to realise that he’s an alpha, and so they barely pay attention to him, while they endlessly bother Jiang Cheng, Wei Wuxian, Lan Wangji and even poor Jin Zixuan who hasn’t even presented yet. These four get harassed daily about this and that. Their attitude is too rebellious, or too tame for proper alphas. They try too hard, or not hard enough. They’re too skilled and clever, or else they’re playing stupid and clearly trying to mock Qishan Wen.

In fairness, all of these accusations are absolutely true when it comes to Wei Wuxian. But even if he were to behave properly, Nie Huaisang suspects the Wen would find some fault with him.

Nie Huaisang watches all that and tries to stay out of it. The most he can do, anyway, is to offer the medicine he secretly brought with him (his brother insisted, and he was right as always) and to share his portion of food with his friends whenever they’re denied a meal. At least, when they accept. Jiang Cheng does sometimes, unless his pride gets in his way. Wei Wuxian usually refuses and boasts that he’s been wanting to practice inedia for a while anyway. Lan Wangji isn’t so loud about it, but does the same. Poor Jin Zixuan, though… even when he’s given his own portion of food he always seems hungry, so the days when he must do without are particularly hard on him. He still tries to refuse when Nie Huaisang wants to share, but in his case, Nie Huaisang doesn’t hesitate to insist.

“You’re going to present soon, aren’t you?” he whispers, pushing his bowl of bland, watery congee toward Jin Zixuan who nods miserably. Nie Huaisang remembers the horrible hunger he felt for a few weeks before presenting, when his body was hard at work preparing for the big changes that were coming. Even with all the food he could ask for he’d been starving, so he can’t imagine how much Jin Zixuan must be suffering. “You have to eat, Jin-didi,” he orders. “Please, eat something, or else your Nie-gege will be sad.”

It says a lot about Jin Zixuan’s state that he doesn’t even object to being called this way. Nie Huaisang lets Jin Zixuan have both of his meals that day, explaining that he actually has snacks hidden along with his medicine.

It’s not his best lie, but it does the trick that time, and the following ones as well.

After a week of this, Nie Huaisang is starting to feel a little unwell. His golden core just isn’t very strong, and cannot sustain him through inedia the way it would for others. He’s always known this, there’s just something not quite right with his meridian which means cultivation doesn’t come easy for him. Usually it doesn’t bother him, but after eating so little for several days, of course there’s side effects… but someone has to take care of Jin Zixuan, right?

It’s almost a relief when they’re told one morning that everyone is going on a Night Hunt. It’s not the first one Wen Chao took them on, and while it’s unpleasant to fight creatures without weapons, at least they’ve always been given better rations.

In the end, good rations feel like a poor trade for what happens on that Night Hunt. Nie Huaisang has never been so terrified in his life, except when he was eleven and his father lost his mind… although this is worse, so much worse. His father wounded some people, but he didn’t kill anyone the way that false Xuanwu does, slaughtering anyone it can grab before they manage a daring escape, thanks to Jiang Cheng and Wei Wuxian. Nie Huaisang, who is a fairly decent swimmer, ends up helping Jin Zixuan through the underwater passage, since the other boy is starting to look really unwell. He hasn’t been hurt, thankfully, but it’s clear he’s close to presenting. He must have only a few days left at best, or more likely a few hours.

Maybe that’s why even after they’re safely out of the cave, Jin Zixuan won’t let go of Nie Huaisang’s hand, why he leans so heavily against his side. Nie Huaisang allows it all. He probably should hand Jin Zixuan over to the Jin disciples present, but if they were trustworthy, Jin Zixuan would already have gone to them for comfort, wouldn’t he?

“It’s okay, Jin-didi,” Nie Huaisang tells the other boy while putting his free hand on Jin Zixuan’s forehead. He’s burning, and this is really the worst time and the worst place to be presenting, but it’s going to happen anyway. “I’m here with you. We’re going to get you home, and then you’ll be safe, right?”

Jin Zixuan nods weakly. “Thank you, Nie-gege,” he whispers, and Nie Huaisang’s heart does somersaults in his chest at being called that. It makes him want to keep Jin Zixuan close, to really protect him from anyone that might hurt him.

It’s a stupid idea, of course. Jin Zixuan is about to present, and when that’s over, when he’s an alpha, he’s never going to need anyone’s protection again. What’s happening here won’t last very long.

Nie Huaisang figures it’s fine to enjoy this while it’s there. He’s sure Lan Xichen, if he’s still alive, will understand that even an alpha as weak and pathetic as him needs to feel protective here and there.

It takes a long, long while to go home on foot. By the time Nie Huaisang and the other Nie disciples reach Qinghe, a war has been declared against the Wen because they’ve attacked the Lotus Piers and annihilated the entirety of Yunmeng Jiang. Nie Huaisang cries upon hearing this, because Jiang Cheng was fine when he last saw him, because it’s unfair that Wei Wuxian was rescued from that cave only to die like this anyway.

He cries also because Nie Mingjue is going to risk his life, because there’s still no news from Lan Xichen.

He cries because he won’t even be able to help his brother, and is to be sent to the Cloud Recesses where he’s less likely to be captured and used as a hostage again.

He cries because that’s all he’s good for, apparently.

Lan Xichen is alive.

Nie Huaisang cries when Lan Qiren tells him, and then doesn’t shed a single tear again and sets to work to be of some use in this war they’re fighting. The husband of a sect leader must be a useful person after all. Lan Xichen will have to deal with so many responsibilities, much earlier than he ever should have to, so Nie Huaisang needs to step up his game and become someone worthy of his future husband. He might be lazy, and spoiled, and a little useless, but Nie Huaisang is also very stubborn when he wants something, and what he wants is Lan Xichen, the most perfect person in the world.

Lan Xichen who smiles with the warmth of a tender spring afternoon, who is always calm and collected, who smells of gentian and pine trees. Lan Xichen who never has a hair out of place. Lan Xichen who always knows what to do, what to say, no matter the situation.

Lan Xichen who looks utterly broken when he comes to visit the Cloud Recesses, three months into the war.

Perhaps to others he doesn’t look so bad. The Lan disciples who are with Nie Huaisang when Lan Xichen arrives don’t comment on it. But Nie Huaisang has been observing Lan Xichen for years at this point, and he can instantly tell that something is wrong. It shows in the way the beta carries himself, how his eyes glance over things as if he cannot see what’s around him, the slight twitch at the corner of his lips when he smiles. Nie Huaisang’s heart aches to see his beloved in such a state. He hates the Wen more than ever, if such a thing is possible, for having hurt Lan Xichen this way.

Because there is so much to do, because Lan Xichen has so many responsibilities now, it seems at first that Nie Huaisang won’t have a moment alone with him. He tries to be fine with that. A sect leader’s husband must know that sometimes he comes second to the sect in question. But the hollowness in Lan Xichen’s eyes haunts him too much. That night, close to the hour for curfew, Nie Huaisang decides that he must offer some distraction to the love of his life, perhaps even some comfort, should Lan Xichen be inclined to allow it.

It’s risky to be out and about at that hour. Even at such a time, the Lan are strict with their rules, and Nie Huaisang knows he will be scolded, or even punished, if he is caught. To avoid that he doesn’t knock on the front door of Lan Qiren’s house, where he knows Lan Xichen is also living for the time being, and instead comes in through the back. He will be in so much trouble if he’s spotted, but love comes before rules. Soon enough he’s inside a private garden, knocking on the door of the only room where a candle still burns.

To Nie Huaisang’s relief, it is indeed Lan Xichen who opens that door for him.

To his horror, Lan Xichen looks even worse than before, his eyes red from crying.

“Huaisang, what are you doing here?” Lan Xichen asks, trying to quickly regain his composure.

“I thought I’d come see you, Xichen-gege. You looked like you might need a friend.”

Lan Xichen takes in a sharp breath, like he’s trying not to sob. He manages to keep his face impassive, but two tears still drop on his cheeks, leaving a shiny trail behind. If Nie Huaisang didn’t have such excellent manners, he would lunge forward to kiss away those tears.

“I’m not sure I’m fit for company,” Lan Xichen says in a voice that trembles a little. “I find myself in a rather emotional state at the moment.”

“Then you definitely need a friend,” Nie Huaisang replied. “I offer myself, if you’ll have me.”

A few more tears escape Lan Xichen’s reddened eyes, which he tries to wipe away quickly, like a child just starting to learn he’s not supposed to cry in public. Nie Huaisang braces himself for rejection, but Lan Xichen instead pinches the hem of his sleeve and pulls him inside.

“You’ll be in trouble if someone sees you,” he explains. “How unreasonable, Huaisang… didn’t you realise that people might talk, seeing an alpha roaming around at night?”

Of all the things Nie Huaisang has thought about before coming here, that particular detail hasn’t occurred to him. People often forget he’s an alpha, and so does he, most of the time. Outside of his ruts, he might as well be a beta, and he’s convinced people who meet him must think that’s the case. But of course the Lans know better.

“Xichen-gege, I don’t want to cause you trouble or start gossip against you,” Nie Huaisang says. “I wanted to see if I could make you smile, that’s all. If you think I should leave, just say so and I’ll stop bothering you.”

“That might be…” Lan Xichen starts, before choking on his words. “Maybe you should… This is… it is…”

More tears drop on Lan Xichen's cheeks and he gasps in an alarming fashion, trying to stop himself from breaking down into sobs. Nie Huaisang’s heart clenches painfully at the sight. He takes one of Lan Xichen’s hands in his, trying to offer him comfort. Immediately Lan Xichen starts crying in earnest, falling to his knees. Nie Huaisang follows him, sitting on the floor near him, patting his hand, his shoulder even when the sobs get too heavy.

They stay like this a long while, sitting on the floor of that bare room which doesn’t really belong to Lan Xichen and only serves as a reminder of everything that he has lost. Nie Huaisang can’t find any words of comfort to offer, because he knows how empty those would feel. All he has to give is his presence, and his patience.

It is well past curfew when Lan Xichen finally calms down enough to sit a little straighter.

“How disappointed you must be, seeing me so weak,” Lan Xichen says, quickly drying his tears with the fabric of his inner robes. “I’m not the person you think I am, in the end.”

“You are that person and more,” Nie Huaisang sincerely replies. He squeezes Lan Xichen’s hand in his, barely refraining the impulse to kiss it. Seeing Lan Xichen like this, imperfect, angry and hurt, only makes Nie Huaisang love him more. How could he not, when Lan Xichen is giving him this trust? “Xichen-gege, I like everything about you, the good and the bad. I like you when you are calm in front of everything, and I like you when you can’t be strong anymore.”

Lan Xichen sighs and tilts his head, trying to smile but not quite managing it. “Huaisang…”

“I do, I really do!” Nie Huaisang insists. “I just wish I could help you more. I wish I could give you strength when yours runs out. I wish I had the power to protect you against those who would harm you. You make me wish I could be more than I am, so I could stand at your side and be of use to you.”

Lan Xichen smiles, and brings his trembling free hand to touch the alpha’s cheek.

“And I’m glad you are exactly the way you are,” Lan Xichen says with unbearable tenderness. “You are as I want you to be, as I want to see you at my side.”

Nie Huaisang’s heart is racing at those words, and he feels his face flush.

“Xichen-gege, I don’t think you and I mean quite the same thing here.”

“I think we do. I wasn’t sure what to think of this,” Lan Xichen admits, gently cupping the side of Nie Huaisang’s head, who must resist the impulse to close his eyes and lean into that touch. “I thought you only liked the image I try to give, and that you would be disappointed when you’d learn who I really am. But you’re seeing me now, and… you still like me?”

“More than ever,” Nie Huaisang whispers.

Lan Xichen smiles at him, beautiful like dawn after a cold and dark winter night.

“Then when this is over, let’s see how we can deal with this,” Lan Xichen says. “I know there’s precedent for such situations, though it will be unconventional. I fear you’ll have to marry into Gusu Lan, if this is to happen. Could you bear with that?”

Nie Huaisang nods, laughing and crying at once, delighted beyond words to realise that Lan Xichen too has made plans. He knew they were well suited for each other, he knew it all along, and finally he’s proven right.

Finally, he’s going to be happy.

The Sunshot Campaign ends, and sooner than everyone expected. Wei Wuxian’s new techniques are to thank for that… or to blame, depending who’s talking. Not everybody is fond of what Wei Wuxian has done during the war. Still, he’s a hero, one of many. Of the young masters of great sects in their generation, only Nie Huaisang and Jin Zixuan haven’t gained a title for their glorious deeds.

In fact, when Nie Huaisang asks around, it appears that Jin Zixuan didn’t contribute at all to the war, in any way. He wasn’t among those who fought, which isn’t such a surprise when Jin Guangshan barely wanted his sect involved at all. But Jin Zixuan wasn’t on the back front either, and that’s strange. Nie Huaisang knows his friend isn't a coward like him, and must have wanted to contribute in some fashion. Jin Guanshan will have tried to stop him, but Jin Zixuan is exactly the sort of person who would run away and join another sect's troupes to do his part in fighting the Wen.

Nie Huaisang becomes truly concerned when he learns that while Jin Zixuan has been absent from the war, one of Jin Guangshan's bastards has seen his status elevated and been given a title. Jin Ziyao, Lianfang-zun, is the first out of many bastards that Jin Guangshan has ever seen fit to legitimise.

Suddenly, Nie Huaisang becomes terrified for his friend. Jin Zixuan looked so unwell that day after they escaped the cave. If his group stumbled upon the Wen, if he was wounded or worse…

Jin Zixuan is absent from the banquet held in Jinlin Tai to celebrate the end of the war. It is noticed and gossiped about, especially since Jin Guangshan brought not only Jin Ziyao, but also another of his bastards, a mere child who rumour says he might legitimise as well. Worse still, Madam Jin is somewhat polite to both of her husband's bastards, when she's been known to never even allow anyone to mention his infidelities before her.

Sick with worry, Nie Huaisang cannot eat or drink anything and quickly excuses himself from the celebration. He takes refuge on a platform that overhangs above elegant gardens, leaning over a railing to admire the sight. He hoped that being alone would give him a chance to calm down, but it only makes things worse. Jin Zixuan used to say he'd make Nie Huaisang visit the gardens of Jinlin Tai someday and show the peacocks from up close, but that might never happen now, because he might be…

Nie Huaisang bursts into tears.

He shouldn't have let Jin Zixuan go with the Jin that day, he should have kept him close and protected him, so nothing could happen to him. There is no safer place in the world than with a group of Nie, and Nie Huaisang knows even a pitiful alpha like him would have sprung into action if the situation called for it.

He knows that for Jin Zixuan's sake, he would have easily torn Wen Chao's throat with his bare teeth, if it had come to that.

Nie Huaisang is still crying when Lan Xichen finds him and silently wraps his arms around him. It helps a bit, if only because it reminds Nie Huaisang that things aren't entirely awful, that even if something happened to Jin Zixuan, he won’t have to face his grief alone. They’ve talked to Nie Mingjue who grumbled mightily against his brother leaving Qinghe Nie, but that was never an argument he could have won, not when Nie Huaisang has prepared for it half his life. Once Lan Xichen’s mourning period is over, they will be married, exactly as Nie Huaisang planned.

“What has you so upset?” Lan Xichen asks, pulling his fiancé closer, enveloping him into the long layers of his robes until Nie Huaisang feels like a chick under its brooding mother.

“I’m worried about Zixuan. Nobody has seen him since the start of the war, nobody knows anything, and he isn’t here tonight…”

Lan Xichen stiffens somewhat, and for a brief moment he loses control of himself enough that Nie Huaisang can smell him, the scent of gentians and pine lingering even after Lan Xichen returns to his usual restraint.

“You’ve become very close to him, haven’t you?” Lan Xichen asks. “I don’t think you’ve asked about anyone else as much as him during the whole campaign.”

“I got news from the others all the time,” Nie Huaisang says. “But Zixuan… and he was in a concerning state last I saw him. I just feel like I should have done more for him. What if he’s…”

“He’s not dead. Ziyao would know, and he would have told me. I’ve asked on your behalf.”

Nie Huaisang smiles, and snuggles closer to the beta.

“Thank you. But what’s the matter with him then?”

Lan Xichen shrugs slightly. “Ziyao doesn’t know,” he admits. “Nobody in Jinlin Tai seems to know, except for Jin zongzhu and Jin furen. She’s the only one who gets to see him, along with a handful of servants loyal to her. Ziyao has heard that his brother might have been cursed, or fell sick somehow, but in the end he’s not really sure.”

“Poor Zixuan, he must be so bored,” Nie Huaisang sighs. He knows his friend is used to a certain isolation, but that’s different from being truly alone. He knows also that Jin Zixuan, when given the chance, isn’t someone who enjoys being on his own anyway, and that he’s an active person who likes to practice martial arts, go on Night Hunts, or even just walk around town and check shops. This situation must be a torture for him. “Do you think they’d let me see him if I asked? Or at least write to him maybe? I’m just so worried...”

Lan Xichen tenses, his scent flaring once again. Before Nie Huaisang can ask about that, he hears approaching footsteps. Since it is highly inappropriate for them to be in such an intimate position in public, and when they’re not even formally engaged, they quickly pull apart to look at the newcomer. Nie Huaisang expected his brother, or Lan Wangji perhaps.

Instead, they find themselves in front of Madam Jin. They promptly bow to her, and exchange a worried glance. She isn’t exactly known for looking kindly at couples who misbehave in her home, and her expression can best be described as cold and angry.

“Do you really wish to see my son, Nie gongzi?” she asks, startling Nie Huaisang who can only nod in answer. “Then follow me. He’ll be glad to have a visit. Lan gongzi may come as well. This might concern him as well.”

Again, the two young men trade glances, surprised by that sudden invitation. Neither of them protests, least of all Nie Huaisang who is only too happy to follow her. Lan Xichen, after some hesitation, does the same. All three of them walk in silence in the labyrinth that is Jinlin Tai until they reach a rather isolated house guarded by two fierce looking betas who have their hands on their swords as soon as they see someone approaching, and don’t let go until they recognise Madam Jin.

“Keep an eye out,” she orders the guards as the three of them go inside. “He’s been drinking, and his rut is coming close.”

The guards nod, and firmly close the door behind Madam Jin and her guests. Nie Huaisang, initially delighted to see his friend again, starts getting worried.

“Is there something wrong with Zi… with Jin gongzi?” he asks. “Why are you locking him up this way? Is he dangerous?”

“There is danger in Jinling Tai,” Madam Jin replies, leading them ahead. She knocks on a door, using an odd rhythm. “Until a better solution can be found, this is the only way I can protect my son.”

The door opens, revealing Jin Zixuan, sword in hand. Only, there’s something off about him, something that Nie Huaisang can’t quite put his finger on. Maybe it’s his clothes, which hang a little oddly and aren’t quite the cut and fabric one would expect on an alpha. Or it is the slight fear in his eyes when he opens the door, quickly replaced by defiance when he sees who is there with his mother, as if he expects Nie Huaisang and Lan Xichen to say something unpleasant. And then there’s a smell in the air, fear mixed with notes of flowers.

“Oh,” Lan Xichen says, before pinching his lips so he keeps his realisation for himself.

Jin Zixuan glares at him, then at his mother.

“I told you not to do it!” he says.

“What choice do I have?” Madam Jin replies, pushing her way into her son’s room. “This is the only way.”

After some hesitation, Nie Huaisang follows her inside. Lan Xichen does the same with a certain reluctance, and when they all sit, he does so a little closer to Nie Huaisang than is probably proper, but Nie Huaisang is too stunned by the situation to think much of it.

“I have brought you here to make a request,” Madam Jin announces, while her mortified son hides his face in his hands. “I need help in protecting my son, and after long consideration, I have come to the conclusion that the two of you are the best possible choice.”

“Mother, please, don’t!” Jin Zixuan begs, only for his mother to silence him with a gesture.

“At the start of the war, my son presented,” Madam Jin continues, ignoring the interruption. “Sadly for everyone involved, he presented as an omega.”

Nie Huaisang gasps, and stares at Jin Zixuan who looks like he might start crying. It puzzles Nie Huaisang at first, because there’s nothing bad about being an omega… or at least, not when in Qinghe Nie. Other sects have their own opinions on that, of course. He’s heard people here and there say that it is shameful and unnatural that Qinghe Nie’s leader is an omega, even one that looks and acts like an alpha, but that’s just because people are jealous of Nie Mingjue. All those petty, self-satisfied alpha just can’t stand that someone of a gender they think inferior can be so much better than they will ever be.

Of course, there’s also the fact that in most sects, only an alpha can become sect leader. Even Lan Xichen isn’t nearly as respected as he deserves to be after his brave actions during the war, and that’s not just a matter of age. Still, at least he’s a beta, and from a somewhat reasonable sect. Lanling Jin isn’t so open minded. In fact, everyone says that part of the problem between Jin Guangshan and his wife is that she’s also an alpha, when he is of the opinion that same gender couples shouldn’t be allowed to exist. He was forced into that union by his own father, everyone knows it, and only because Madam Jin's parents paid a high dowry to have her married into such a glorious sect.

"As an omega, my son cannot inherit his father's title," Madam Jin confirms. "He also wasn't allowed to take part in the war, since it would have been improper for him to be in mixed company. Alphas cannot be trusted on a battlefield… Or outside of it, as the case might be." She glances at Jin Zixuan, who looks ready to faint from sheer humiliation, then continues. "To be quite blunt, I have come to feel that Jinlin Tai is not a safe place for my son, and now that the war is over, I am seeking a way to protect him from harm."

"You want to marry him off," Lan Xichen says, his voice oddly cold in spite of his polite smile. "And I suppose you already have something in mind?"

"If I could, I would have sent him to Yunmeng Jiang," Madam Jin says. "But he has never gotten along with Jiang Wanyin, and my husband won't allow him to marry another omega as that would be improper, so Jiang Yanli is out of the question. So is Nie Mingjue, for the same reason. My husband doesn't want Zixuan to be sent to a sect too small, as he would find it humiliating. I do not want to send my son to a spouse too much older than him, as I fear for his safety. That leaves me very little choice."

Nie Huaisang frowns. He knows Jin Zixuan is more than capable of gutting even an older cultivator if they try to force him into something he doesn't want. He isn't ranked third on that list of bachelors just for his looks. Being an omega doesn't change how competent Jin Zixuan is, and Nie Huaisang has half a mind to say so.

He doesn't, but only because it suddenly hits him why Lan Xichen and him have been brought here.

"You want one of us to marry him?" he asks, while next to him Lan Xichen stiffens.

"You are the best choices," Madam Jin confirms. "My husband would probably prefer Lan zongzhu, but I personally hope you will consider this, Nie gongzi. After all, my son and you are already friends, so it would make things easier."

"Mother, stop this!" Jin Zixuan hisses between clenched teeth. "This is too… This is unnecessary."

Unsure what to think, Nie Huaisang looks up to Lan Xichen, hoping he will be the one to explain the situation. But Lan Xichen, his face pale and tight, won't look at him, or at the Jin for that matter. It falls to Nie Huaisang to handle this.

"Jin Furen, I am honoured you would think of me, and I am sure Lan zongzhu feels the same," he says. "But the fact is… Well, the truth is…"

"They're in love," Jin Zixuan hisses. "I told you it wouldn't work, mother."

Nie Huaisang looks at his friend in surprise, but Jin Zixuan refuses to look at him. More than ever, he seems ready to cry. Madam Jin, for her part, isn't impressed by this new information.

"Love is nice and well," she says, "but there are other things to consider. Your family would certainly prefer this strong political alliance."

"My brother and his uncle have already given their blessing," Nie Huaisang admits. "It's not a bad match either, politically speaking."

"But you won't have children," Madam Jin points out.

"There is a precedent for this," Lan Xichen coldly says. "Although Gusu Lan favours fidelity to one's spouse, it can be allowed to take a concubine in specific cases, such as the impossibility of having children."

"Then why not take my son as your second spouse? Or as the first one even, and have each other's company on the side? Zixuan will allow it."

Both Nie Huaisang and Lan Xichen stare at Madam Jin, shocked that she would say such a thing. Her stance on her husband's affairs is well known, and she is merciless toward adulterous couples. Nie Huaisang wants to ask her why she doesn't ask for her husband's help if she's so desperate to protect her son against threats to his virtue.

He keeps that question to himself, because the answer occurs to him, and he doesn't like it.

It is well known that Jin Guangshan is an alpha of great sexual appetite even in a normal state. It is rumoured, also, that he becomes terrifying when in rut, willing to take any omega or woman who crosses his path, willing or not. People say he might have fathered Jin Zixun with his own cousin, though since the poor omega was recently married, Jin Guangshan never had to recognise the child.

Jinlin Tai is not a good place to raise an omega these days, as Jin Zixuan knows. He told Nie Huaisang as much, back when they were studying in Gusu.

And perhaps there’s more alpha in Nie Huaisang than he realised, because the idea of Jin Zixuan being in such danger, in the place where he should be safest, fills him with a rage like nothing he’s rarely felt before. The only thing that can compare is the burning wrath that overcame him when he first heard that the Cloud Recesses had been burned, that Lan Xichen was missing. If he could, Nie Huaisang would grab Jin Zixuan this instant and fly with him to QInghe, were nobody will care that he’s an omega, where he’ll live free of fear because the rules of Qinghe Nie are very clear on how to deal with a rapist, regardless of sex, gender, and rank. It is tempting to accept Madam Jin’s demand, just to protect her son, except…

Except Lan Xichen is sitting right next to Nie Huaisang, and while his face is showing nothing, the smell of his anger is getting stronger with each passing moment. If the Lan rarely have a second spouse, let alone concubines of any sorts, Lan Xichen once explained, it is because their cultivation method tends to make them more possessive toward their cultivation partner. That’s the reason they are so careful in choosing such a partner, Lan Xichen confided when they started talking about getting married.

At that time, Nie Huaisang had easily promised that he would remain faithful no matter what, happy to finally have the affection of his favourite person in the world, happy to know that his love and patience would be rewarded, confident that there is nobody else in the world he could ever want.

Now though, he isn’t so sure what to do anymore. Marrying Lan Xichen is all he’s wanted for years and years, the culmination of a carefully crafted plan to ensure both of their happiness. But to abandon Jin Zixuan to his fate would be a crime, something against which his very soul rebels.

Between his dearest friend and the love of his life, Nie Huaisang has to choose, and risk losing someone either way.

#nie huaisang #lan xichen #jin zixuan #sangxuan #xisang #mdzs #jau writes #Anonymous

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sleepyfemme · 3 years

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(Hi I hope this isn’t an inappropriate question and if it is please feel free to ignore!) it’s just I know that you were in a longterm relationship at one point and you talk a lot about being really enjoying your time alone. I’ve been in a relationship for nearly decade but the intimacy has been dead for years I don’t feel loved or in love but i haven’t been alone in so long it’s scary. I was just wondering how you enjoy your own company if you have any general advice?

noo this is definitely not invasive at all!! i could literally talk about this topic all day lol.

being in a stagnant (or unfulfilling, or toxic, or abusive, etc etc) relationship stops you from growing & exploring who you are as an individual. there are so many aspects of your personality that you'll get to learn about, and so much growth that you'll be able to do, once you're able to be alone & explore yourself as an individual. is that NOT the most exciting thing in the world !!! the version of myself that i have become since leaving my longterm relationship (and the very toxic relationship that came after) is my favorite version of myself that has ever existed, and she literally wouldn't exist if i had stayed in those relationships forever. one thought exercise you could try out is imagining yourself in 6 months (or however long) in your absolute best case scenario of who you are & what you'll be doing when you're out of your relationship. i think that that could definitely help you to get excited about being single & feel less afraid.

specifically on enjoying your time alone: make a plan to start a new hobby or take a class, and make sure you follow through!! i know bad relationships can be isolating, so if that's the case with yours, make an effort to make more new friends!!! make your living space your sanctuary. when me and my ex who i lived with broke up, i was finally able to move into a new apartment & decorate it exactly how i wanted & it really became my safe haven & i LOVED being there so much (that is literally the whole reason my last apartment was so special to me). intentionally create special moments. light a candle or incense while you're at home, pay attention to the sound of the rain or the music you're listening to, make a point to pamper & take care of yourself..... stuff like that makes your time alone so special. your time alone is valuable & sacred & it should be treated with the same level of importance as the time you spend with others. also, really think about all the things this relationship kept you from doing. now you're able to do them!!! whether it's watching a certain show or going to a certain place or hanging out with friends, you'll be free to do what you want without that person holding you back.

i really enjoy my time alone bc i'm truly my person, my best friend, my main priority & i love to hang out with myself. i think that being in a bad relationship can really inhibit your ability to connect with yourself (and a good relationship should ENCOURAGE it), so i really think that letting yourself be single for a while will help you get to a place where you like to be alone. learning to trust yourself and care for yourself is so important when it comes to learning to be alone.

get okay with the fact that there are gonna be uncomfortable and hard feelings that come with being alone/going through the serious life change of ending a longterm relationship. ten years is a long time!!! it's so normal and expected for all kinds of feelings to come up, and pushing them away or ignoring them will not help you in the long run. the healing & growth & peace that comes after is so so worth it. i've been fully single for like, about a year and a half i think?? and i'm not gonna pretend like i never get lonely or like i never think about being in a relationship!! that's so normal & healthy & that doesn't mean i'm not happy with my life or myself, it's just a feeling & i let it pass through me.

you literally didn't ask & i'm sorry if this is overstepping, but i give this advice to everybody bc i think it's important: if you're single but you're casually dating/talking to/hooking up with anyone, you're still filling that same void, just without being in a relationship. that stuff is great to do at some point obviously, but i think it's so important to let yourself be TRULY single for a little while before introducing anyone else into the equation. it's scary & sometimes lonely, but it's so so healthy & you will grow so much.

also just wanna say that you've already done one of the hardest parts, which is realizing you need to leave. i've wasted SO much time in the past trying to convince friends to leave their toxic relationships and i've also BEEN that person who refused to realize that i needed to leave. i hope you're giving yourself credit for knowing you need to leave, because it's hard to do!!!!

truly, truly sending you all the love & luck in the world. the position that you're in is a really, REALLY tough one but i'm so excited for you to come out on the other side 💖💖💖

#she's long-winded today huh

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damntender · 4 years

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BECAUSE I HAVE SO MUCH LOVE TO GIVE . okay, first off I JUST HIT 100 FOLLOWERS after a matter of like 6 days... how??? ---- though i’m completely unsure why people stick around, or love me or even want to roleplay with my trash ass. i’ve not had an easy time with some horrendous experiences in this community and i wanted to give some love to the people that keep me staying, because all i wanna do is yell about them all the time. azalea has been a crutch to me in the hardest times of my life, i created her after the loss of my grampa and all my anguish and pain went into trying to do something positive, and with the amount of loss in my life, it was nice to do something beneficial. and i look back to creating her, and meeting all these incredible individuals along the way, and it’s honestly a blessing. i wasn’t going to bring her back, but the response i’ve had, the love, the hype has honestly melted my heart and i could never ever thank anyone enough for that. but here, have me shouting about my love for you all in a post <333

IF I MISS ANYONE, I’M TRULY SORRY. IT’S MY ATTENTION DEFICIT DISORDER FUCKING ME OVER. but i love you all <3333

so some special mentions ( or a lot bc i can’t CHOOSE ), these are people i talk to regularly, that i consider my best, and closest friends on this hellsite. you don’t know how much impact you’ve had on my life, but i have to let you know. they are in NO particular order, just the list i’ve written down on my notebook, because i have add and it’s a fucking party in my brain lmao. :)))

@damncockroach / @damnbrazen ----- becks, my love, my aNGEL, my bestie. you don’t even need me to say how much you mean to me, or how much i love you because i try to make sure i remind you constantly. you came into my life in a time that i really fucking needed someone, someone to show me what true best friends are, to pick me up, to be there and just ??? never leave. someone i can count on constantly, and you’re always willing to help me. to shower me with hype and love, and i’ve lost count how many times i’ve cried down the phone to you and you’ve calmed me down, and given the best advice, or made me feel valid in my emotions. you don’t know the impact you have on people becks, you’re honestly one of the best people i’ve met in my entire life. i know they say you get soul mates in forms of best friends, and i truly believe you’re mine. you’ve been there for me through some of the most horrendous times in my entire life, and you stood by me and that in itself deserves a medal. i love you more than words could ever possibly express, and i count myself extremely lucky to call you my best friend, i honestly appreciate you so much. you just get me, we can communicate in person with just looks, and that proves our bond tbh. you’re my rock. getting to know you, to know you out of writing and exist in a writing world with you is incredibly special, and like you said in your original tags: in fantasy and reality, till death do us part. i don’t think i’ve ever had a friend who is so selfless, so down to earth, and so compassionate and puts people before themselves until you. i’ll always be here to remind you what a BABE you are, how incredibly vital you are to not only me but to this world. your one of the good ones. and your talent?? is fucking astounding, i get to be inspired by you and write with you and just learn from your insane gift, because you breathe life into words. you gift me with replies, with characters and i scream over them forever, and i can’t even say how in awe i am of you. the love and depth you put into crafting your ocs, or putting them into canons too, just is crazy, and i will never stop yelling about you. you deserve all the hype, both in the roleplay world and the real world. five years of friendship aNGEL !!!! i can’t wait for us to be besties when we’re 80 and can bitch about people still. what i’m trying to say is, you’ve saved my life, more times than you know, and i wouldn’t still be breathing without you. i owe you a load for that, and i love you endlessly, more than words could ever capture. you make this rpc worth being in, because with you beside me, i can face anything. i love you bubba, so much. i’m so proud of the person you’ve become, who you are, you’re a diamond and i am blessed to know you. keep being your kickass self <3333

@damnbrutal / @fearmer / @phoenique ----- lunaaa , my love , the sweetest of angels. my lil norwegian babe !!!! is there even words to sum you up either??? let me start by saying how i can’t encapsulate how sweet you are, you’re like sunshine personified. literally, the brightest light and you deserve the fucking world, honestly. meeting you was always meant to be, i truly believe that, and i can’t ever say how much i love you. you have been there to capture me when i fall, to offer insane words of wisdom that comfort me, to bless me with your presence when i’m breaking over voice chat. when my grampa was dying, or had died, you were the biggest comfort, you have no idea how much your presence, your pure heart helped me out of such a horrendous place. you got how i was feeling, you were sensitive to the subject, and careful and you put your heart and soul into bringing me into a lighter place. i can’t even express how much i’m gonna give you a MASSIVE squeeze when we see each other finally!!!! you are one of the best human beings i’ve ever met, just the most down to earth, so pure, so willing to help others, and i can’t ever thank you or yell about you enough. you give such a HUGE amount to your friends, you’re always there to lend a ear, to offer us support across the ocean, and i truly can’t even express how much that means. you’re a fucking diamond, okay??? let’s get yelling about your talent, your creativity will forever astound me. from your writing to your graphics, you’re truly fucking gifted, and i’ve learned so much off you. you’re a fucking inspiration in itself. you’ve always shown me that i have the strength to overpower such negative forces in my life, and keep going, and i can’t ever thank you enough for that honestly, like i don’t think words will ever be as sufficient enough. you’ve put such love into your original characters, like mazia owns my aSS you know this, she is so fucking important to not only azalea but to me. because you blessed me with this incredibly creative and in depth crafted character and i love her like she’s my own character. you can truly see how much you love writing her, and the craft and everything and i truly believe you’re one of the best writers on this site. our babies and their bond make me SOB, like they hit me right in the heart and i still weep over how mazia comes down to find out her best friend, her soul mate is gone. they have a bond that WE have, we bled that into them, i can see that so clearly, like you’re my person. and i adore u <333 let’s not forget about the love of theo’s life either, odETTE. he adores her. god i get emo just thinking about them, and every single one of our babies. it’s INSANE to me that someone who lives across the world can mean more to me than the majority of the friends i’ve known in real life. you’re just SO important to me. i just love you a whole lot, words won’t ever capture it, and i appreciate you, i’m so grateful. thank u for being u. <3333

@hewolf ------- ANI, the loml. while we haven’t wrote on here, it didn’t feel right NOT including you, because you’ve been in my life since day one of roleplay. like when i look back for a constant in my life, there you are, making me laugh and being your INSANE, and down to earth self. god, how am i ever supposed to put into words just how much i love you?? like you know it knows NO bounds. i don’t think there’s a person other than family for me who’s been there for me through everything in my life, from start to finish of all the bullshit i’ve been through, other than you. you were there when i got my heart broken for the first time, when i lost my gran, grampa and my other grampa, when i had a miscarriage, you have been there and picked me up when i felt like i didn’t wanna be here anymore. and you did it like it was NOTHING, like it was easy, and i’m so inspired by you as a person. by your strength, and you’re honestly the most hilarious person i’ve ever met. like i can’t say how much i look forward to your snapchats every day, how much they make me smile and laugh, especially in our current predicament of the pandemic. you’re a true joy, and you’ve been there to support me always. can you believe we’ve been besties for ten years next year???? like it’s crazy to me. i just know that you’re someone i’m gonna have in my life forever, and i don’t ever want to NOT have you around. i know lately you’ve had the WORST time, and i can relate to it, all i wanna do is be there as best i can, and it’s hard with shit going on, i wish i could drive up to you and just give you a squeeze and try and take your mind off it all. but i can’t. and that sucks !!!! god, do you remember where we started???? facebook fuckin roleplay??? i cringe at the thought but they are times i truly hold dear to my heart, because i look at the development we’ve both had over the years as writers, though you’ve ALWAYS been an incredible writer. i look back at myself and i’m like?? who fuckin let her write??? you’re the reason i joined tumblr roleplay, like you dragged my ass to it, and it’s insane how long it’s been, how much my life has changed. you’re so down to earth, and out of everyone i’ve met on this hell site, and in life in general, you’re one of the most REAL individuals i’ve met and it’s so inspiring??? you’re just so eloquent in your writing and you should have MORE FAITH in yourself because bubby you’re so talented. i adore you so much, words will never capture it. i know that i can legit just ring you like i have previous, crying down the phone and you’ll be there. you’ve helped me through so much and i value you so much, you’re a diamond, one of the best individuals i’ve met. you deserve the WORLD, all the happiness, because you are a fucking light, you’re one of the good ones in life. i love you bubby <33333

@racointeur ----- BEE, my baby, one of the best friends i’ve ever had. god, where do i start with you ??? without choking up because that’s gonna be hard. let me first start by saying, i’m so proud of you, so proud of your strength, because you’ve been through some of the hardest shit as of late and i wish more than anything i could be there to cuddle you, to support you better than i could here. no one ever deserves what you’ve been through, but ESPECIALLY NOT you, you are the kindest person with the BIGGEST heart of gold. all you do for others, is so clear to see, because you’ve always put people before yourself and it truly shows how GOOD of a person you are. you came into my life when i needed someone too, we bonded instantly over shadowhunters and our love for our babies jace / izzy, and instantly a bond came and i can’t ever explain how vital you are to me now. days could pass or even weeks, and when we talk?? it’s like no time has passed. there’s never any obligation or anger if we both fall off the grid. you KNOW how important our friendship is to me. you’re one of my fave individuals to write with. we’ve facetimed crying over the hardships of life, or even laughed until our sides hurt, i remember that one night when we spoke about simon biting izzy and how we were howling with laughter. it’s a memory that legit sticks in my mind, and makes me all warm and fuzzy. in this life, i’ve realised you’ve gotta stay close to the people who feel like sunlight, the truly GOOD people and you’re one of them. i know i can always message you, WITH any issue, or just to yell about our babies and you’ll be accepting and that in itself shows how deep our friendship goes, you’re so accepting, so supportive and i just love you more than words. your writing is something i admire so much, you’re so talented, so eloquent and i just ??? aspire to be that gifted okay, you can see your love for each and every character in your threads and i think EVERYONE should go love on you, because you deserve the hype, and the love the most. you’ve helped me down from ledges where i legit didn’t want to live anymore, you’ve put up with my bullshit and i can NEVER thank u enough for that. here we are THREE years almost four years later, still stuck to each other like glue bc u bet i’m not letting you GO at all, and still best friends. i admire you so much, i learn so much from you from your strength and i don’t think i could ever say enough what you mean to me. you’re just purely talented, an incredible individual and i can’t wait to meet you when this shit is all over and i’m finished with uni so i can fly out to see you and give you a MASSIVE squeeze. you’re one of my fave individuals ever in life and i just adore you so so so much. i love you bee. you’re honestly world class, and just a joy to know. <33333

@lethaelite ------ MANDI , you superhuman babe !!!!! gosh, i love you endlessly, i can’t even begin to express, but it feels like we’ve been friends forever and i honestly can’t imagine a time without you in my life and i ???? don’t want to. you’re one of the most intelligent individuals i’ve ever met, like you can see it so much in your writing, you put so much into the characters. like clarke???? i accept nO other portrayal than yours, because you just know her so much, at this point?? she’s your oc. i love writing with her, and with octavia too, like octavia’s relationship with azalea is so important and it melts me, i just can’t help but get soft over them all the time. how azalea has broken down o’s walls. how they’re ride or die, all of it is fucking adorable. and SUCH development. i’m so glad becks dragged ur ass to tumblr so you can showcase your talent, everyone needs to KNOW how gifted you are!!!! let’s circle back to your talent, let’s talk about you. you’re a diamond okay? a pure selfless individual with the biggest heart, and i’m so blessed to get to know you, to be able to call you one of my best friends, and you’ve embraced me as a person, as a writer since we’ve met, and i can’t ever thank you enough for that. you’ve listened to me yell about some of the hardest times of my life, you’ve listened and understood and kept it to yourself and it means everything and more to me. let’s not FORGET that you’re a fierce badass individual, you’re so strong and i’m so proud of all you’ve battled through, because i get to learn from your experience and guidance and words. i look up to you SO much, i wish i had your outlook on life, like i wish i had your strength because it’s incredible bubba. honestly!!! you don’t realise the impact you’ve had either, you have helped me through so much. you’re kind, down to earth, and charismatic and hilarious and just a fucking joy to have around. i can’t wait for you to come over here, because honestly we’re gonna have some insane memories to look back on, and you deserve that break and a new surrounding more than anyone honestly. i just can’t ever yell about you enough, you’re beyond talented, you have the BIGGEST heart and you’re one of the good ones in a world of bad. i can’t wait for all the threads we get to do, all the character development and everything. i know i can throw anything at you thread wise and you’ll be down for it, i love how much you YELL about threads and the reactions, because it truly shows me your excitement!! i just adore you so much and i can’t ever thank you for being you, for impacting my life how you have, and i’m thankful and appreciative to get you to be in my life. i LOVE you <3333

@damnpain / @armyranger ------ VIC ------- god where do i begin with you ???? i used to ALWAYS fangirl over you, like i would be heart eyes at your blogs from far away because i was always terrified to approach because your level of talent fucking astounds me. like you honestly have no clue how much i look up to you as a person, you honestly are another whole level of talent. and now i’ve gotten to know you, and you’ve quickly become one of my best friends because you have the sweetest fucking heart, you honestly make being on tumblr a pleasure, and your incredibly soft and kind heart is something i’m so thankful to get to witness. we’ve bonded over our own hardships both irl and in the community and it’s nice having someone who GETS it, who understands exactly where i’m coming from, it’s nice to know i’m not alone. you’re like my very own hand to hold, and i value you so fucking much honestly. you’re honestly a sweetheart, and you deserve the literal WORLD. you make me laugh so much, and you are so welcoming and knowing i can just yell at you about our babies, really makes my day and i’m so thankful you get as excited as i do. apollo literally OWNS my ass, you’ve put your entire heart into him and he is so important to azalea, so vital to her and i can’t wait to develop them and their relationship more because it’s something i’m so excited about. god don’t get me started on how HEARTBREAKING his story is, his backstory makes me well up with tears, poor baby deserves such a break, he’s the cutest angel, and i love him. as i love ALL of your ocs, you know this. i’m always gonna be here to hype you up, because you’re just outstanding, a true fucking icon. i remember how much you inspired me from when i saw your max blog so getting to call you one of my best friends now is !!!! amazing to me, but also, you’ve calmed me down when i’m spiralling, listened to my problems and issues and been happy to deal with them and it just shows how much of a selfless person you are. you are always more than happy to help, and i love you endlessly and more. and i’m so thankful we found each other even in the wake of all the shit i’ve been through lately, because you’ve become a rock to me, i adore you so much, your incredible nature, sweet and welcoming and i know i can talk to you about everything. thank you for being your amazing, sweet, and truly extraordinary self, because you honestly DESERVE the world, all the happiness and stuff. i know i’ve found another best friend for life in you, you’re an angel. i love love love you vic, keep being YOU, because you’re just out of this world, a true good person. A DIAMOND <333333

@tragedyhymns / @damnbrain ------ SUN !!!! my sweet angel, god how do i even begin to describe you or put into words my love for you ???? everytime i talk to you, you make my heart swell because you’re just so fucking sweet. you’re beyond considerate and just one of the nicest individuals i’ve ever met in this hellish community. you’ve been nothing but a support to me, and i don’t ever want us to part. i’ve kept you close from the moment we met in the shadowhunters fandom over three years ago now, and i’m sorry to say but you’re not getting away from me, ever. i just adore you with my entire heart. i’m so proud of the person you are , i’m so proud that i GET to call you a best friend of mine . let me say i’m SO fucking proud of you for kicking ass with your education , like even when it feels like everything is getting too much and you’re having so much going on ooc??? you power through like the WARRIOR you are, and i’m beaming with pride over you. because honestly, if there’s anyone who deserves to succeed in life??? it’s you. your talent is astounding, we’ll come to your writing, but your GRAPHICS???? like you’re an ASSET to that career you’re going to have. you’re going to have such an insane career, i am always taken aback by what you can make and create, like share some of that talent pls. never LET anyone bring you down. you’re truly fucking remarkable. i also have to commend your writing talent, because you bring characters to life with such a love, such a depth and admiration that i am always in awe of you. matty and cris are by far my favorite babies, like matty is so vital to azalea and the story we have created for them is one of my favourites, like it is so IMPORTANT to me, i can’t even thank you enough for it. i also have to yell about how much you took on by creating ash, and making him your own, and i love being affiliated with you. you’re so eloquent, so in depth and so talented, you bleed EVERYTHING into your writing and graphics and it shows. you’re a treasure. you mean everything and more to me, you’re just a fucking angel, i love you. you’re a light —- i appreciate you so much and i won’t ever be able to thank you for that . you’ve made me smile on the most horrific of days , you’ve been there to listen when things are falling apart . you’ve been there through a lot, and i love you endlessly. just know how important you are to me, i will forever be here to rave about you as a person, your talent. never leave me o k ?? because i’ll actually fucking cry because you mean so much to me!!!! never forget how loved , how incredible you are , and how much we all STAN you i love you, you fucking cutie. <3333

@damnsamurai / @iswarholy / @skailante ----- ZAWN !!!!! god,,, i love YOU. i have gotten the opportunity to have you in my life for the past three years and even though we lost touch??? it’s like no TIME has passed, because you’ve embraced me, thrown nothing but love at me and just been a fucking angel. you’re one of the good ones on this site, like we reconnected and within like three days i had made an oc to be affiliated with yours because i fucking ADORE you. my opinion of you since we first met, hasn’t changed. i thought you were truly blessed with an astounding talent then, and if anything, i’m even more convinced of that now, because i am just constantly in awe of your characters, of your portrayal of octavia because holy fuck babe, it’s so GOOD, so indepth. you truly bleed complete depth and understanding into her, as if she’s your actual character and not jroths or the original writers. actually, let’s say she’s yours because you show her more fucking love, lets be real here. let me also tell you, how much your little messages about how much you love me on discord everyday, they truly make my day. because i’ve had a fucking horrendous time as of late with some shitty times irl and in the community and you’ve become a rock. you’ve shown me there’s some people left who are intrinsically kind, who have nothing but a GOOD regard to people. you’re someone who deserves the literal world, because you’re just a fucking diamond, just pure through and through. and your talent??? god i love writing our babies saff and orion, we created them, wrote them and i was hooked instantly, like i am complete trash for our babies and for YOU, because you’re so beyond talented, so gifted. i am shook at you all of the time, please TEACH me your ways, pls pls. i also know that i can approach you to yell about things, or throw muse posts at you, and you’ll be accepting. thank you for embracing me, for being so accepting, so sweet to me and an astounding friend, i count you as one of my best friends. i honestly don’t think words could ever say how grateful i am for you, but i hope this makes you smile. you’re a credit to this fandom, and i can’t wait to write more with you, to yell more and for this beautiful friendship to continue. i love you, bIG UP THE RIDDEN FAM, love you always, please never forget how truly extraordinary you are, because i’ll always be here to tell you. i don’t want to be in this fandom ever without YOU <3333

@waldenborn / @geneticassassin ----- LILLY --------- U ANGEL… i don’t even know how i can ever express my true gratitude for you, for always being there when i need someone, for being your truly amazing self. and also for embracing azalea from the very beginning when i made her, i was such a heart eyes fan girl over you because damn… helo is so well crafted, so in depth and just everything i aspire to create within my own oc’s. you have always truly thought him through, put so much love and creativity into him and that in itself has always astounded me, i think i’ll always be someone who fangirls over you. i was terrified to reach out at first, just because i’m a ball of anxiety and you always made me completely at ease, and even when we go weeks without talking, without interacting at all, it’s like NO time has passed. we just pick up as we left off, and i know there’s never ANY pressure and it makes me feel safe, and like i can truly be myself. you’re truly world class, and i can never thank you for all the love and support you’ve given me, honestly. i don’t think i could ever put it into words, but you mean everything to me and to a zillion more people in this fandom, you’re a big ball of sunshine, of love, and you’re a true angel to have around. A CREDIT. i can never thank you for accepting me, hyping me up and wanting to write with me, honestly writing with you makes me SUPER happy because i get to craft such amazing character relationships with you, but also because i get to be astounded by your incredible replies all of the time. i get so !!!! at seeing you on the dash bc dATS my babyyyyy. our development with azalea / helo always melts me, from them meeting in mount weather, to falling for each other and then facing the end of the world together, living their peaceful life on earth for six years, undisturbed. they deserved that happiness !!!! helo is so important to azalea, like he’s a huge part of her life, and i love our talks about them, and you always yelled at me about how much you loved my characters even when i wasn’t writing azalea on tumblr anymore. i always felt that support from you, and you have no idea how much it helped me out of so many dark places. i also adored writing bellamy / gabby with you because they own my aSS, and octavia and helo because hearing all your headcanons about his love of octavia and how protective of me always BLEW my mind. fancy sharing some of that talent, please???? i am just forever in awe of you. i count myself lucky to know someone like you. the world needs more GOOD souls like you. just know how much of an impact on my life you’ve had, you deserve the hype you talented lil baby. I LOVE YOU <33333

@damnstory / @azgedaspy ----- KAT ---- u sWEET angel <3333 first off, let me YELL about how much of a fucking vital individual you are to this community, like while we don’t have to ask permission to be part of the “damn” family, you’ve brought together a group of writers, and everyone fucking ADORES you because you’re down to earth. you’re so sweet, and so fucking lovely. like i don’t think words even capture my adoration of you. from the moment we met, you did nothing but embrace me, nothing but BUILD me up, keep reminding me how much i was a strong person, or a zillion and one other sweet things you said. i can never thank you enough for that, as someone who’s really been through it in the fandom with people that i didn’t deserve or ask for, it was nice for someone to validate me and make me feel like ???? i was wanted around. you helped my mental state more than words ever could truly express, i love you endlessly for that, as it shows just HOW good of a person you are. you have one of the kindest hearts i’ve met, and your talent forever leaves me taken aback. you know i’m so trash for your echo, like the ONLY echo i’ll accept, i’ll be honest. like at this rate, she’s your character in my eyes, because wow, the depth, the love, the UNDERSTANDING you’ve put into her. it just is incomparable. and now you’re bringing the loml bellamy blake to life, and gOD DAMN you’re so fucking good at him, you never make any excuses for his behaviour, you hold him accountable and i love throwing angsty threads of my ocs, or charas calling him out on his bullshit because you know i’m a SLUT for some angst. you bring him to life, and it’s so brilliant, like truly you’re a talent, so in depth and so much effort goes into it, and it’s appreciated, it’s something i ADMIRE, you deserve all the hype and more. you’re one of the best writers i’ve ever come across, and i have no other choice but to STAN, always and forever. you showed me that there’s some good left on this site . you showed me that i can still make friends that i trust and love , and to never be intimidated to talk to people, because we both know i’ve been terrified to talk to people before. i always fangirled over you before and i STILL do, you’re just a fucking angel who deserves the entire world and more. like truly a treasure, i count you as one of my best friends on this site, a person who is so encompassingly good, that it makes the community a JOY to be in. i love you kat, keep being your incredible self, and throwing your talent into the community, because i’ll always be here to yell about it. you’re just world class and i love you so much. <3333

@damnbetray ------ BEAN, god if there’s anyone who’s a fucking CUTIE in this fandom, it’s YOU. i can’t ever express how much i love you or how much you make me laugh. you are just beyond talented, i can’t wait to write with you and develop our characters together. but more than anything, you’re just a SWEETHEART, who has validated how i’ve felt lately, you’ve made me feel at ease when my world was falling apart. you’ve stayed and HYPED me up, made me feel empowered to do what’s BEST for me, and made sure to tell me i’m doing what’s right and i can never thank you enough for that. you’ve got the kindest heart, like truly, i can’t even express how much i adore you, words will never EVER encompass that enough. you’re one of the sweetest babes i’ve met and i LOVE getting to yell about things to you, like spending the very late hours of the evening with you on voice chat, laughing our heads off about how stupid our languages or hometowns are. like comparing sayings, it honestly made my night. after such discomfort i’ve experienced, i can’t even explain how much that means to me, getting some company, someone who UNDERSTANDS my horrendous hysteria. you deserve the WORLD bubby, honestly. you’re the cutest babe. and your accent is SO ADORABLE, i want it... i’m jealous. also, your ocs are so well crafted, i am in awe at your talent to bring characters to life, how you’ve put your love, soul and heart into creating them, it shows how much you adore writing and how much they mean to you and i can’t wait for our soft grounder babies to meet. azalea will LOVE on her so much, like just you WAIT. i’m so grateful for our little squad, not only making me feel at ease in this fandom, but being a support network i so desperately needed, like we ALL need that love. and i don’t care WHAT you say but ur a fucking talent at not only writing but fucking graphics bc what you created was legit fucking INSANELY incredible, like i’m jealous pls teach me ur ways, thank u. you’ve been a fucking angel to me since we met , and i can’t imagine life without you and i don’t wanna . it’s like we’ve been friends forever , and i love that . you’re a friend i’m blessed to have. thank you for being you. i LOVE U so much, and i’ll be here ALWAYS to hype you up because you deserve the hype, all of it. soak it up <3333

OTHERS I LOVE, that if i had the energy to write MORE about i would but they’re my squad and I ADORE them, they truly inspire me so much, and i value all of them, like as MONTY would say, the GOOD guys : @mythso ; @mythcals ; @mieczlw ; @heroach ; @roseguided ; @buriedwoes ; @hevives ; @trageday ; @mudwoven ; @coyoted ; @pahriahs ----- you ALL deserve the world, your talent truly astounds me and your presence in this fandom has truly not only melted my heart but made this place a safe space for me, a place of warmth. you ALL are aware of how much i love you from how much i’ve yelled at you previously, and if i could fight through this chronic illness pain right now to talk about you all individually i WOULD, but my meds aren’t working. your writing is incomparable in talent, like the depth, the love you put in, and how you’re all so DOWN to earth, such softies and so welcoming and accepting of me???? i can’t thank you enough. you all deserve ever OUNCE of hype. like you accepted azalea, or any other muse i’ve written and that in itself means everything and more to me, i don’t think words will ever truly express. for someone who’s insanely anxiety riddled after some shit ooc, and in the community, it melts me when i find people with nothing but GOOD intentions, because it proves that there are STILL good people out there. i count you as my closest friends, and i adore writing with you and can’t wait to do it more. just know you’ve had the biggest of impacts on me, that by just BEING you, and sharing your gift, you’ve made me happy, made this place ALL the more better, and words will never do you justice. you’re all SWEETHEARTS, and a credit to the community. i ADORE you and love you all so so so much. <3333

MORE PEOPLE I LOOK UP TO AND WANT TO INTERACT WITH , BUT I’M BUT AN ANXIETY RIDDLED BABE SO PLEASE THROW YOURSELVES AT ME : --- @commaender ; @commandied ; @azhefa ; @azgona ; @astralgenius ; @brotheir ; @darkseen ; @damnfoxed ; @damnbrace ; @damnloyal ; @shenomaly ; @damnbird ; @damnguard ; @damnalone ; @earthsheir ; @earthreina ; @fatalruin ; @futuresees ; @fatalrisk ; @genetictraitor ; @glassae ; @graunfisop ; @holykissed ; @hqppier ; @heroicis ; @imperrator ; @knowsdeath ; @komfolaui ; @laendon ; @lovkyna ; @lovefray ; @mortaele ; @mortaele ; @nextleveldamaged ; @otvblake ; @puresthearted ; @pyrorize ; @praesaes ; @preytend ; @runegiven ; @sunhken ; @tribrids ; @warstroyed ; @wanlidas ; @avgustia .

if i missed anyone !!! i’m sorry, my add makes it super hard to REMEMBER and focus, BUT i adore you and look up to you so much <333

#i. out of character. / appreciation post .#!!!!!!!!#i love you ALL #thank u for embracing me #for making me feel welcome #i love u all #<3333 #loss mention tw #loss tw

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helaintoloki · 5 years

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Hey! I absolutely love your writing especially on the Arthur Fleck/Joker fics. If you’re still accepting requests, can I get one where YN is a new barista and Arthur is a regular at a coffee shop and he just instantly falls for her. He cracks up jokes here and there and she loves it and eventually they start dating (and she knows about his condition) Just lot amount of fluff. Idk if this made sense since I was all over the place but thank you so much if you accept and again, I love your writing!

a/n: I’m gonna do this as a head canon bc my head is hurting and I had no idea how to write this lmao enjoy

Being new to Gotham and in desperate need of money to pay rent, buy groceries, etc. you take the barista job at the coffee shop down the street from your place

it’s actually pretty clean and decent compared to the rest of the city and somehow hasn’t been raided/broken into/tagged/destroyed etc

you do your best to serve with a smile and cheerful attitude in order to fulfill a personal goal of yours to help make Gotham a better place for its people, and that’s what attracts Arthur to you

he hadn’t seen a real smile or met anyone as genuine as you in such a long time, it was like a breath of fresh air for him

“Good morning!” You chirp happily. “What can I get for you, sweetheart?”

to his dismay, the laughter begins to rise up his throat and before he can choke it down it explodes. he’s laughing in your face, body cringing as one hand covers his mouth and the other hurries to hand you his card

it takes you a minute to read the card, but once you do you politely hand it back and patiently wait for the spell to be over

“that’s okay honey, take your time.”

when it’s over he tries to apologize profusely but you simply smile and shake your head. “We’ve all got our downfalls, that’s okay.”

He doesn’t get to talk to you then, too embarrassed from his outburst and also rushed by the customers behind him

He keeps the coffee cup from your first meet, for sentimental reasons and for the fact that you drew a little heart and smiley face by his name :) homeboy was swooning he swore he was already in love

He comes back several times after that to see you, and by the next week you already have his order ready and waiting for him when he arrives

Arthur comes during your break one day and is actually able to sit down and talk to you: learn your name, where you live, why you work as a barista, what your favorite color is

He loves your laugh and tries his hardest to make you laugh or smile. But Arthur doesn’t really have to try, you find him hilarious and don’t mind a bit of a morbid sense of humor. Besides, the jokes he tells you are soft compared to the darker shit hiding in the pages of his journal

After a month of getting to know you and speaking to you, Arthur finally musters up the courage to ask you on a date to which you say yes

He doesn’t have much money so he takes you to the diner in the city. It doesn’t bother you of course, you don’t care where you are as long as it’s with Arthur

You spend three total hours at the diner and only leave when you’re kicked out. You dance in the streets and hold hands and wear Arthur’s jacket when it gets chilly. If you’re scared or anxious you’ll cling to his arm and he swears it’s like heaven, being your protector

The clown has swept you off your feet and you don’t mind one single bit. You love Arthur and he loves you, more than you’ll ever know

He’ll walk you home from work often, drop off lunch for you bc he’s a soft™️ boyfriend, spoil you to the best of his ability (aka steal things for you), and treat you like the goddess you are because heaven knows Arthur doesn’t deserve you

You’re so supportive of Arthur and his dreams and his feelings. You’ll stay up till three with him if he needs you to because you know he’d do the same for you. When life gets hard you’ll let him be the little spoon and hold him in bed, face buried into his back and arms wrapped tightly wrapped around his torso with kisses and sweet words whispered into his ear

Basically you’re his shining star in the dark sky that is life, and he’d do anything for you

(This went way off track lmaooo)

#arthur fleck #joker #arthur fleck x reader #arthur fleck headcanon #joker headcannons #arthur fleck imagine #requests

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sunnyluna · 4 years

Text

To the One Direction Fandom,

Okay, so here’s the thing. This fandom has been here for almost a whole decade, which is a long ass time LMFAOO. But most of the time, our fandom has been divided. Why? Well here’s the thing... a lot of the fandom ship Harry and Louis together (a lot but not all). While some people think that Harry and Louis at some point were or still are in a relationship or were in love — others think they weren’t. That they were just super close friends.

I am not going to lie, I kinda am a Larry (still questioning it but that’s not the point!), but hear me out. I am not writing this post to persuade others to think Larry is real. Because I am not going to do that. I am writing this to let people know that this division in our fandom needs to come to a stop. I am the kind of Larry shipper who doesn’t push Louis and Harry’s life’s together and bashes anyone who has been or is Harry’s or Louis’ significant other. I can never come to that. Why? Because I stan Harry’s saying of TPWK. Wether Larry was real or not I do not want to ever spread hate on someone Harry or Louis have been/are in love with.

I ship Larry, yea. But I also ship Harry/Louis with HAPPINESS. I don’t care who it is, I want to see those two boys happy. If it is both of them together or with someone else, I want them to be happy. If Louis loves Eleanor (who I am 100% sure is a super nice person) then please respect that. Don’t hate on her, she’s a human being guys. She doesn’t deserve the hate she gets on a daily because she’s dating 1/2 of the Larry ship. Yes, we can in throw in jokes here and there as long as they are NOT offensive and rude towards her or the rest of the girls Harry/Louis have been associated with. Imagine if you were one of them? Would you like the hate they get? Please stop and ask yourself ‘Would I like if someone said that to me?’

But also, towards the people who don’t ship Larry. Please, don’t be rude towards the people who ship Larry, guys. Respect their opinion/beliefs. Don’t call them “delusional” or anything else, bc that was can be offensive. Hell, I find that rude when I see people tell that to Larry’s who feel strong about their ship. There’s other ways to disagree with someone like: “I respected your opinion, but...” or “I see where you’re coming from or why you believe that, but...” Yea, some of Larry’s can and will be super pushy but not ALL Larry’s are like that. Just remember we are all still human beings and we all have feelings. Treat people with kindness, even when you don’t agree with them.

Another subject I want to touch... I know this is long sorry :( but please stop sexualizing the boys. Yes, I mean ALL of them. They are not objects, they are human beings. Girls... you don’t like it when guys sexualize you... what makes you think boys don’t like it either? Yes, we all know the boys are attractive, but please don’t be disrespectful either. They are adorable human beings who also would want people to see them for their music and accomplishments rather than their looks.

Can I also talk about the hate our adorable boy Liam Payne gets? It’s getting out of hand. I understand what he did was wrong, I understand where some of you guys are coming from and why you are angry. But he has feelings. He is a human being. He has been struggling with mental health issues, guys. He doesn’t look as healthy as he used to be. Stop and think before you say something remotely rude towards someone. I hate seeing Liam getting hated on, on a daily even when he’s not doing anything wrong. Liam Payne, is an adorable human being who is 1/5 of One Direction. He is Daddy Direction, the boy who has a phobia of spoon, has been bullied before, only has one kidney, was born dead and cried when watching 1D’s old video diaries. Liam Payne, is an handsome and cute human being who deserves all of the love and appreciation in the world. Please stop attacking him for everything he does, he’s a person who needs love and appreciation, like the rest of the boys.

We love Liam, in this house.

We love Louis, in this house.

We love Niall, in this house.

We love Zayn, in this house.

We love Harry, in this house.

Talking about appreciation :))) I understand that some of you have been with the boys since 1D days, I completely understand. But please, let the boys be questioned about their music and success too, not everything in their lives is about 1D. Ask them questions about their albums or anything that has to do with their recent accomplishments. Sure, it doesn’t hurt to ask them about 1D once in a while but I also want them to have questions about their recent success that they worked so hard on. For example, I would kill to ask them:

What was your hardest song that took you forever to write?

What inspired you the most in your music?

What’s your usual environment when writing songs?

Is it hard to chose which songs to put on the album and which ones you don’t?

When are you dropping Anna and Medicine, Harry?

Which song makes you feel emotional, if so why does it? (They don’t gotta say why, but I would love to hear the reason behind it ☹️)

Niall, can we have a golf match? (I play golf LOLL, doesn’t hurt to ask 😫) also, what inspired you to write San Francisco? Do you think it would be best to listen to it during night or day? Does San Francisco have a special meaning to you? (My fav song off of his album 😫❤️! ‘There’s sum about that song that makes me wanna get up and BUST A MOVE!’)

Louis, with everything that happened in your life... how do you do it? How do you manage to stay happy, love? (He is such a strong person omg 🥺, anyways that question is too personal my anxiety could never ask such a personal question) Have you ever thought about doing a collab with someone? If so, who? Why?

Harry, how do you manage to stay away from social media? What distracts you from staying away? I want to be able to do that, but it’s like I’m sucked in and can’t let go. Also, I know you said that the perfect time to listen to ‘Golden,’ would be driving around Malibu at sunset, but what about Canyon Moon? What type of vibe does that song give you?

Liam, did you plan to have a dance routine for Strip That Down? How long did it take you to learn the dance routine? Also, how did you find yourself? How did you know what type of style your music was going to be?

Zayn, in your album Mind of Mine, why did you add the unique song, ‘INTERMISSION: fLoWer’ to your album? How did you come up with the idea of this unique and different piece?

FINAL STATEMENT, if you are a stan of one of the boys individually, PLEASE I beg you, DO NOT HATE ON THE BOYS. It hurts me to see individual stans hate on the other boys. All of them at some point were best friends and super close, they spent YEARS traveling with each other. They were all in a band together at some point. They were together for five years (Zayn four... I still cry) they were there for each other — lowest and highest moments.

And even now they all still support each other like:

Zayn saying watching Niall’s success was like a big bro moment for him.

Harry and Louis txt and congratulating each other for their successful albums/singles.

Louis and Liam mini reunions!

Louis at Niall’s concert, supporting him.

Niall at Harry’s concert, supporting him.

Liam congratulating Zayn and Gigi bc they are expecting!! (Still can’t believe it, I cry! I’m so happy for them!)

Harry stating that he doesn’t regret any moment in 1D.

Louis congradulating Niall for his album, ‘Heartbreak Weather’.

There’s probably even more moments but I can’t think of any of them right now. Anyways, they all still have respect towards each other. No bad blood between them, they are adults who were at some point friends. Respect that, don’t drag them and spread hate.

Directioners are crazy. If they see you hating on one of those five adorable beans — they will come for you.

I’m just playing... or am I??? Kidding, but for real guys. Stop with all the drama and hate. Be respectful and kind towards each other!

Anyways STREAM: Heartbreak Weather, Walls, Fine Line, LP1, Icarus Falls!!

Listen to: HS1, Flicker, Mind Of Mine, Up All Night, Take Me Home, Midnight Memories, Four & Made In The A.M

PEACE OUT! YAYEEE 😽

ALL LOVE, L

#louis tomlinson #one direction #zayn malik #harry styles #liam payne #niall horan #fandom

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set-phasers-to-whump · 4 years

Text

broken hearts

Prompt: grief, mourning loved one

Whumpee: Nick Burkhardt

Fandom: Grimm

consider this set in a sort of AU to season 4 where only the stuff i didn’t hate happened. basically there’s nothing with nick and adalind, no child or any of that, juliette idk but we don’t just straight up kill her. she’s not here but she’s not dead bc i Hate That. if you think about the timing of this too hard it won’t make any sense at all but too bad. my rules. basically take this as being sometime after kelly’s death but like not really connected to s5. idk. but oh well have fun!

Nick has been trying his hardest to be okay. He really has. He’s back at work and giving awkward half-smiles of thanks to the people that continually apologize to him; and politely refusing their offers to cover his shifts or bring him lunch or coffee. They’re always asking if he wants to talk. But he’s not talking to anyone about anything, because the second he stops moving he knows that everything is going to collapse.

He doesn’t really sleep most nights. An hour here, fifteen minutes there. Any more than that and he wakes up screaming, the image of his mother’s head, neatly boxed up, burned into the backs of his eyes. As though he’s not already seeing her everywhere, all the time.

So he doesn’t sleep. He doesn’t really cry, either. He thinks he should but there’s something stopping him. He avoids being around the people that care about him. He refuses to let them touch him. If they do, if there’s one friendly, kind, concerned hand on his body, he knows he is going to shatter, finally, no matter who or where.

And maybe that wouldn’t be such a bad thing, he thinks, sometimes, when he’s lying awake at night on top of the covers of his bed with the lights all on. Maybe if there was someone with him, someone telling him that it would all be okay, someone just being there and letting him break and holding on to him. Maybe then he’d start to feel better, or at least feel less like he’s slowly sinking into something deep and dark that he knows he’s going to sink into until he reaches a point where he can’t get out.

He doesn’t want that. He feels that deep, dark thing clawing at him sometimes, and has to stop himself from letting it out on someone that doesn’t deserve it. Or even someone that does, because then he will have to live with the consequences.

So this is his life. Fight the horrible grief and anger that builds continuously up under his skin, sleep for one or two hours a day and be put face-to-face with that grief and anger in the form of a screaming nightmare, wake up and wish that he could find it in himself to cry, go to work, avoid everyone, repeat. It hurts and he can feel it chipping away at him, and he knows, knows, knows that something is going to have to break eventually. But that eventually never really seems to come, so he just keeps on going.

But, of course, nothing can hold on forever. The strongest chain breaks. The tallest building crumbles. The smallest wound bleeds you dry. Nick is no exception.

It happens on a windy, wet Tuesday night. Nick jolts awake shortly after midnight with a scream, the same way he’s been waking up for the past few weeks.

His dream had been no worse than normal, but the thing about these kinds of dreams is that they never get any easier to have. His mind may be used to it, but all his body knows is grief. It reacts instinctively. He’s sweaty, and trembling, and his heart is pounding out of his chest, and he’s breathing in rapid, frantic inhales. He looks around the room like he’s afraid there’s something lurking in the corners and feels the beginning of a sob in his throat, which dies with a whimper before he can let it out.

On the surface, there’s nothing different about this particular night. It’s the same nightmare he’s been having for weeks, the same reaction. Everything is as it’s been. And this is the problem. Everything is as it’s been for too long. The anger and grief that he’s been repressing and trying to ignore had never gone away. It’s just been compacted and shoved down, so that quite a lot of it could fit inside of his body, but it’s finally reached its bursting point.

There’s no more space within him for any more anger or grief, not when he hasn’t let any of it properly out. Everything in him is screaming for some kind of release, but he can’t - he can’t, he doesn’t want to do it alone, he’s been alone too long and if he breaks now, by himself in the dark, he’s not sure he will ever be able to patch himself up.

So he calls Hank, shaking hands fumbling in the dark, the ringing noise almost inaudible over his horribly shaky breathing. Hank picks up on the second ring.

“Nick? What’s wrong?” He sounds half-asleep, and ordinarily Nick would be kicking himself for not thinking to check the time, for waking up Hank with his own problems. But he can’t think about that now. All that matters is it’s Hank and he’s there.

He takes a shuddering breath and tries to hold back his tears for a little longer, though even just hearing Hank’s voice on the other end of the phone has nearly sent him over the edge. “I’m-” he says, and he can’t figure out what to say next. “I wanted, I needed, I…” He can’t think. Everything is too much and he just wants Hank to be there.

“I’m coming, Nick, just hold on, okay?”

And that does it. The fact that Hank is coming, without any kind of explanation from him, in the middle of the night, just breaks him. Suddenly, he’s crying, for, really, the first time since that awful night. Everything just comes pouring out of him, tearing its way out of his throat with such a force that he can’t quite breathe. Distantly, Hank says something, and Nick focuses on his voice as the world crumbles around him.

He’s still sobbing, curled into a ball on the bed with his arms wrapped around his body, when Hank comes through the door. Nick doesn’t hear him at first, too completely caught up in his grief, but then there’s an arm around his shoulders and a weight settling next to him on the bed and a voice speaking softly and calmly and gently.

“Hank,” he says, the name scratchy and raw as it leaves his aching throat. “Hank,” he repeats, and turns to the side so that Hank is no longer sitting next to him but instead is directly in front of him. He forces his eyes open, tears still pouring down his cheeks, and looks at Hank.

Hank looks right back at him, and his face is clear and open even in the dark. “I’ve got you,” he says, like he’s making a promise. He reaches out his arms, and Nick sinks into them, pressing his face into Hank’s chest.

He tries for a second to stop crying and say something, anything, but he may as well have tried to stop breathing. He coughs into the front of Hank’s shirt and inhales, sniffing. Another sob builds up in his throat and he tries to force it back down, half choking on it instead.

Hank’s arms wrap around him, then, and a hand rubs up and down his back. “Just let it out, man, it’s okay,” Hank says. So Nick does. He cries and cries and Hank doesn’t once try to stop him, just keeps holding on and saying those soft, gentle things.

Eventually, what feels like hours later, Nick finally cries himself to sleep. Even then, Hank stays, gently shifting Nick off of himself and into a position more suitable for sleeping. He lies down next to Nick without considering any kind of alternative, and Nick, breathing evenly for the first time all night, with shiny tear tracks decorating his face, reaches out an unconscious, instinctual hand and grabs onto Hank, like it’s the most natural thing in the world. Hank returns the gesture, and soon the both of them are fast asleep.

Nick wakes up in the morning confused, with scratchy eyes and an aching throat and Hank still sleeping soundly next to him. The usual grief washes over him, and he settles into it a little easier than he had yesterday. Hank makes a soft noise in his sleep and Nick looks over at him, all peaceful and relaxed in the early morning light, and almost smiles. For the first time since his mother’s death, a thought occurs to him, and he wants so badly for it to be true.

Maybe, just maybe, there will come a day where he is okay again.

Thanks so so much for reading this!!! The ending could be better but it could also be worse so wahoo on that. This was very idk nice to write i guess. Nothin like hurting your fave and giving them that comfort they so desperately need but could never normally ask for…..

#whumptober2020 #no.19 #grief #mourning loved one #grimm #fic #nick burkhardt #emotional whump #crying #nightmare #my writing #i say things #do i have a brand with this kinda stuff?? maybe...#anyway this isn't like. nick/hank but it's also not not nick/hank yknow?#anyway this might not have been very coherent idk man but this felt so good to write you know how it is...have feeling. project onto fave.#etc.#anyway enjoy!!

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cullens-babe · 4 years

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The Ridiculously Detailed Inquisitor Questionnaire for Bloom!

I’ve been bored and decided to do an Inquisitor questionnare! I’ve been thinking of my inquisitors and wanting to describe them so here we go >:)). And it’s very detailed and I got this from @customhawke

There is no read more bc I am on mobile and there isn’t a read more thing for mobile, so sorry if you don’t want to see this and have to do a lot of scrolling😔.

First up is, Bloom!

Name: Bloom

Age: 23

Race: Elf

Gender/preferred pronouns: Female. She/Her

Class (warrior/rogue/mage): Mage

Specialization: Rift Mage

Romance: Solas

Bloom is a kind woman. She likes to show compassion when it is needed, but when it isn’t, she is a little...harsh. She doesn’t mean to be, but she is. Giving curt replies, not smiling, seeming to serious (Varric would make fun of her sometimes), her voice sometimes sounding irritated, and many soldiers fear her even if she doesn’t understand why. But yeah, when judging people or getting certain quests, she would usually give them a second chance if she could see why, since she knows what it’s like to be judged. For being an elf and a mage. It’s a little rough, so she does try to spread happiness and kindness if she can.

*Describe what your Inquisitor is like before the game’s events–preferably, choose three words that describe best. Then explain why those adjectives are appropriate descriptors.

She is a woman who is very out there. Three words to describe her are Snappy, Loud, and Kind. She is a little sassy in her replies or how she acts towards certain people. Maybe having a little attitude towards the Templar’s, being a little harsh to people (sometimes on accident). She laughs LOUD. She tries to tone it down when she’s in the inquisition believing she should be serious and not too loud, but she fails sometimes. Especially when Varric invited her to a game of Wicked Grace with the whole crew. She had so many loud laughs and brought back the old Bloom, but not all of her... She is kind towards everyone if she can. She may be snappy towards the Templars but she truly means no harm towards them and would help them if they ever needed help from her (as a kid if she ever saw them and in the inquisition).

Does your Inquisitor change over the course of the game’s events? If so, how? What events affected their character arc the most?

YES! She learns how to accept herself and her magic. She didn’t hate her magic, but she didn’t necessarily love it either. She hated how she was given looks wherever she went, hated the whispers of how she couldn’t be trusted as the inquisition, and felt a little bad when she had time to think of everything. However, as she saw what she could do—and what she DID do—she began to love herself. And after being with Solas and hearing him call her his heart,,and comfort her,,she loves herself slowly more and more.

What is their combat skill level before the events of the game? Are they already skilled fighters, or can they barely hold their weapon of choice properly?

Hmm,,,it’s hard to describe it. She wasn’t good or bad. She knew how to protect herself, but not fight demons. When she first fought a demon, she was terrified. Her heart was racing so fast, her hand was shaking, she almost dropped her staff, but she let out a small sigh when she finally beat it. She did it. She defeated something that was very dangerous. She was excited to learn more and how to protect others (not just herself).

How well do they improve after becoming the Herald/Inquisitor?

She becomes stronger and learns how to be a little more comfortable being her. Being Bloom and not being just a regular mage out there.

Does the Inquisitor have family they left behind? Friends?

She didn’t have many close friends. She was pretty much a loner. She had a few friends, but she wasn’t close enough to feel like she would miss them. However, she does miss her mother and father. Her mother and father basically were her best friends. They encouraged her magic and made her see the bright side of life. Basically where she got her kindness was from her parents, and how she experienced life.

How does the Inquisitor react to the Anchor and the idea of closing the Breach–do they want to do the right thing, are they only along because they are a prisoner, or something else?

She is a little scared of the Anchor. She’s never been a part of a serious and dangerous situation. It scares her but after awhile she understands why it is important. She does want to do what the right thing is. It’s always what she tries to do. She wasn’t treated the best and it’s why she wants to treat others with what she wasnt treated with...

Do they take the mountain pass with the scouts to the Temple or do they charge with the soldiers?

She takes the mountain path. Mainly because she hopes that those soldiers are alive and knows it won’t risk too many other lives. She knows it’s dangerous but she needs to try and see if those soldiers alive. Many people would die by the end of this war, but if she could save anyone, then she’d take the risk.

How does the Inquisitor react to being called the Herald of Andraste?

She is a little uncomfortable. She isn’t used to being worshiped or bowed to, so it makes her a little bit worried and uncomfortable. But after awhile she felt a little happy at the praise. Not too cocky about it, but she liked the attention. Especially from a certain egg👀.

Do they believe it themselves?

No. She believed it was an accident and was like, “No. I’m just an accident. That’s it,” and more hateful words towards herself. And when she learned it was technically an accident, then she felt worse and tried not to think about it.

How do they react to being thrown a year into the future? Do they believe they can get back? Are they focused on their goal, gathering information? Or are they just freaking out?

If she was a little younger, then yeah she’d be FREAKING OUT. She wasn’t used to using her magic too much and so being thrown into the future??? That would put her into a panic attack. But when she was thrown into the future, she had a little bit of a spiral. She was scared of everything that happened. She was worried that she already failed everyone and whatever she could do would be worthless. However, Dorian acted like an older brother and comforted her for a second. She put herself together and went forward with their plan.

Does the Inquisitor help Harrit and save all possible citizens of Haven? Why?

YES. She tries her hardest to save everyone. She has to. She will not let innocent people die if she can help it. She’s panicking for them, running around Haven as fast as she can and manages to save the possible citizens of Haven. However, she still regrets that she couldn’t save more...

How does the Inquisitor feel about being a distraction for Corypheus while Haven flees? Are they resigned to their fate? Resentful? Determined to defeat the enemy/survive?

She knows it’s selfish, but wishes it didn’t have to be this way. She wanted to live and grow as a person, but if fate wasn’t pushing her that way, then she’d accept it. Because of her own small, selfish desires, she was determined and did her hardest in distracting Corypheus.

Does the encounter with Corypheus change their opinion of being Herald? Does it make them believe they are the Herald, lose faith, or affirm to their previous belief?

It makes her scared. Terrified even. She hides it behind her mask and deals with it in private, and she loses her faith a little bit. However, she eventually starts to believe in herself again and knows she can do this. She will defeat Corypheus.

How do they feel about being chosen for Inquisitor?

Bloom feels a little surprised. She’s a mage and an elf, she didn’t expect to get such an important title. She expected Cassandra to be the inquisitor, but she’s really happy she is the inquisitor. She gets to help people and it’s all she’s wanted.

How does the Inquisitor react to being in the Fade?

She finds it interesting. After falling in love with Solas and hearing his stories, she wants to see more of it. However, she keeps her mind set on what she needs to do and she does it. She does want to go back to the Fade one day and see what its like.

Do they ever believe the spirit is actually of Divine Justinia?

She’s conflicted. She tries to believe it is Divine Justinia, but most of her believes it wasn’t. Just a spirit that wants to help and trying to earn their trust.

How do they react to learning it was the Divine behind them in the Fade, not Andraste?

Her confidence drops. She started to believe she was meant for this, but now to learn it was an accident? It cut her confidence down by a lot. However, after encouraging words and taking time to herself, she knows she was meant for this. She feels it.

What is their opinion on attending the ball in the first place? Do they think it’s a waste of time, a necessary duty, or something exciting?

She feels like its necessary and she does it. She does it, surprisingly, well. She almost loses it on the 10th person who whispers “knife ear” behind her back, but she holds it in. It’s the longest she’s ever gone without talking to people.

Does the Inquisitor fight Grand Duchess Florianne, or expose her?

She exposes her >:). Bloom was never one for too much drama or gossip, but to see the panic on the Duchess’s face and the way she (as in Bloom) was winning. For the first time during that night, she had a smile on her face.

How does the Inquisitor get along with Morrigan?

She doesn’t trust her too much. She is interested in the well of sorrows, but she can’t help but not trust Morrigan. The way Morrigan seemed to excited to get her hands on the well, the way she seemed...hungry. It threw Bloom off and made her uncomfortable. However, she let Morrigan drink from the well and found Morrigan a bit funnier when she was laughing and talking about Elven lore. Bloom let her drink from the well because she was a little anxious. Bloom was not going to take a risk and lose everything she worked for if something went wrong. She needed to be there for people and promised she would.

How does the Inquisitor feel about facing Corypheus for the last time? Do they feel confident? Do they believe they will survive the encounter? How do they cope with the possibility of failure?

She is panicking the night before. She is worried. Scared. Petrified. Thoughts keep filling her head of Corypheus killing her or killing her now family, or destroying the world. It scared her and she didn’t know how to hide it. Since she felt like she was going to break down, she went and found Solas and talked to him. He told her some nice stories to calm her down and how he believes in her. Hearing him tell her that he believes in her, helped her calm down and realize she’s got this. She can do this. She will kill Corypheus.

How do they react to Solas’ disappearance?

Since she loves Solas, she feels worry. She worries that she did something wrong or that he got hurt or he’s going to be hurt. She doesn’t know and panics a bit. She takes time to herself and goes through a breathing exercise. She dedicates her time to trying to find him. She loves him and won’t give up on him.

Now onto the people >:)))).

Who does the Inquisitor prefer to have in their party? Why?

Solas. Because she loves him but also because she trusts him. She trusts everyone else as well, but she likes his presence. If you want away from romance, it’s Varric because when he talks about his stories, she gets interested and she likes listening to stories.

What is the Inquisitor’s first impression of Leliana?

Bloom didn’t trust her at first. She felt a little uncomfortable around her, a little paranoid too. However, when she found out that Leliana supports the mages, she felt a little safer around her. Over time she began to trust her and liked talking to her.

What is the Inquisitor’s first impression of Cullen?

She likes him. She knows he is an ex-Templar, and that does cause some tension, but by how he refuses to accept the title and does his hardest to treat everyone fairly, she likes him. Plus, he compliments her sometimes and it makes her feel nice. And Cullen likes her too (not romance wise). She’s kind to him and doesn’t fear him. He likes that.

What is the Inquisitor’s first impression of Josephine?

She likes her a lot. She’s never been too friendly, but seeing Josephine care about her (like when she asks if people are being rude to her for being an Elf in Haven) and want her to be safe, she warms up to her. Plus, she loves Josephines giggles. Makes her giggle in return. Josephine is a little hard to read since I think she isn’t too easy to get close to. However, she almost instantly likes Bloom.

What is the Inquisitor’s first impression of Cassandra?

Cassandra is hostile at first, so Bloom feels anger. She doesn’t like being accused and hates being blamed for something she didn’t do, but when she notices Cassandra feels worry for Bloom, then she feels a little calmer around her. She was surprised when Cassandra told Bloom that she was her friend, and she was so happy. Cassandra, obviously, first thought of Bloom as terrible because she blamed her, but overtime she realized that Bloom is a very compassionate person and knows right from wrong.

Okay the same thing is for everyone, they think she is a good person who knows right from wrong :))).

That’s it for Bloom. Gonna do Elle next (the precious bby)! And if there’s more questions you want about Bloom or any of my inquisitors, ask >:))). Or I’ll find another question thing idk.

#da #dragon age #dai #dragon age inquisition #da:i #dragon age: inquisition #my inquisitior #I love her too ;’)#but I love Elle the most bc Hm that sadness😌. Her background doesnt make 100% sense...but thats okay :)))#my writing #kinda my writing

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