The Day I Came to Know (I'm Not Real)
For the life of meI can’t fathomhow chemicalsin their emptyatomic statestore imagesand soundsfrom long fadedpast only to be triggeredby scents to invokefeelings of nostalgia.
It’s a mystery howyou can stroll in thegarden of my thoughtsdefying time and spaceorchestrated by thatsense of wonderwhereas you are somewhereunaware that you existsomewhere.
My jaw dropsat the sight of myfidgeting…
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One day each of you is going to suffer the greatest loss you could have ever imagined and you are going to be angry and irrational and start praying to god again and the person you love most is going to die and you are going to think “I wish it was me instead” every second of every day for the rest of your life and your going to leave your childhood home for the last time and it is going to eat you up inside that you can’t go back to being 6 years old and you are going to become even more angry and even more irrational and people are going to ask you why it’s such a big deal and why won’t you just get over it already and that is when you will finally truly understand what Palestine is going through right now and why your silence is making us so angry and why we are always asking for you to just pay attention and listen to us and know that it is our loved ones and our childhood homes that are be taken from us while everyone tells us it’s not that big of a deal
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before you know about women, you hear that you do not need to love the man, just that you need to love him through his manhood. which is to say you have seen the future painted in lamb's blood over your eyes - how your mother shoots you a look about your father's inability to cook right. how your aunt holds her wineglass and says i'm gonna kill em. men, right! how your best friend bickers with her boyfriend, how she says i can't help it. i come back to him.
you learn: men are gonna cheat. men aren't going to listen when you're talking, because you're nagging. men think emotions are stupid. they think your life is vapid and your hobbies are embarrassing. men will slam things, but that's because men are allowed to be angry. if you get loud, you're hysterical. if a man gets loud - well, men are animals, men are dogs, men can't control their hands or their eyes or their bodies. they're going to make a snide comment about you in the locker room, about your body, about how you're so fucking annoying. you're going to give him kids, and he will give you the money for the kids, and you're going to be running the house 24/7 - but he gets to relax after a long day, because his job is stressful. the man is on stage, and is a comedian, and says "women!"
and you are supposed to love that. you are supposed to love men through how horrible they are to you - because that's what women do. that's what good women do. wife material. your father even told you once - it'll make sense when you're older. it was like staring down a very lonely tunnel.
it feels like something's caught in your throat, but it's all you know, so. it's okay that you see sex as a necessary tool, a sort of okay-enough ritual to keep him happy, even though he doesn't seem to care about happiness as-applied-to you. it is relationship upkeep. it is kissing him and smiling even though he didn't brush his teeth. it is getting on your knees and looking up and holding back a sigh because he barely holds you as you panic through the night. it's not like the sex is bad and you do like feeling wanted. and besides! he's a man! like... they're another species. you'll never be able to actually communicate, right. he isn't listening.
you just don't get it. you don't feel that sense of i'm gonna climb him like a tree. mostly it just feels fucking exhausting. you play the part perfectly. you smile and nod and are "effortlessly" charming. and it's fine! it's alright! you even love him, if you're looking. you could have good life, and a good family, and perfectly happy.
in the late night you google: am i broken. you google i'm not attracted to my husband. you google i get turned on by books but not by him. you google how to get better in bed.
the first time he yells at you, it almost feels like blankness. like - of course this is happening. this is always how it was going to end up. men get angry, and they yell, and you sit there in silence.
you mention it to your friend - just the once - while you're drunk. she shrugs and says it's like that with me too, i just try to forget and move on. men are always gonna hear what they want to. pick your battles and say sorry even though he's in the wrong. you play solitaire online for a month. you go to your therapist appointment and preach about how you're both so in love.
after all, you have a future to want. nobody lied about it - how many instagram posts say marriage is hard. say real love takes work. say we fight like cats and dogs but the best part is that we always make up. how many of your friends say happy anniversary to the best and worst thing to ever happen to me. if you really loved him - loved yourself too - you'd accept that men are just different from you.
the first time she kisses you, it's on a dare at a party. something large and terrifying whips through your body. you wake up sweating from dreams where her mouth is encrusted with pearls and you pick them off one by one with your teeth. fuck. you sit at the computer and your almost-finished game of sim city. you think about your potential perfect life and your potential future family. you google am i gay quiz with your little hands shaking.
you delete each letter slowly. you don't need to love him. you just need to keep going.
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Whenever Till sings about mizi and or needing her I notice that he always imagines her child self..
I think it's honestly because he's scared of actually seeing Mizi and how she ended up after all these years, because she isnt that child anymore.
he idealizes the child who saved him from spiraling when he was younger and gave him a reason to keep going through the pain of being in Alien stage. He idealized what Mizi used to represent, a sweetness and flowery purity that is rare in the world he lives in. so he clung to it life a lifeline because she WAS his lifeline, but he has yet to recognize the Mizi who has changed so much from when she was a child. I hope Till has an open-eyed moment when he sees Mizi again not as the child she once was but as the woman she is now. I feel like that'll have a much-needed impact on his character development.
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reminder that making time for your friends, even when you're tried and socialising feels overwhelming is important to do every so often. it's especially important to do this actually.
time alone can be good, for a time, but humans are social creatures and we need to talk to people, there's nothing wrong with that!!
sometimes the more time you spend alone the more your brain will tell you to stay alone. that's not true, you're allowed to (and should!!) see people that are important to you. sometimes that alone can be surprisingly healing.
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well my abigail hobbs hot take is that she understands alana as a shade of her mother (kind but blind, ineffectual and powerless), hannibal as a shade of her father (the monster who protects her and kills her in equal measures), and will as a mirror of herself (which is why she is repulsed and frightened by him despite all his efforts to connect with her)
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