#I'm sick that Not even my Friends want to hug me because I guess its weird when you have Partners and Kids to hug cuddle someone Else | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

jd07201990 · 3 months

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Honestly dude? I kinda brought this on myself. Definitely coulda gone a little softer on my bro... I mean boyfriend, but like, come the fuck on! He came home every fuckin' day from practice, kicking off his rank shoes, and stomped all over the house leaving nasty sweaty footprints on the hardwood bro! Then he fuckin' thinks it’s cute to sneak up and hug me with his soaked tank top, as if his funk wouldn't ruin my clothes! What the fuck!

Ok, ok, looking back after everything that happened, maybe I shouldn't have called him a Nasty Sweatrag, and told him to soak himself in bleach next time... Especially not in front of the creepy Goth kid, who happens to be his little brother!

One moment, I was just shouting at him, really laying it on him, sick of the sweat and the time he spent with his bros. I guess I was a bit jealous, but damn dude! I'm his bro! I mean, his girlfriend... or at least I was, until I made him cry and his brother glared from the corner of the room, seething.

In that split second before my stomach heaved, I knew I'd fucked up bad. Like, really bad bro! The world fuckin spun, I hacked and spluttered, then everything went black. I woke up later that day in a bedroom that was distinctly mine, but totally different. When I sat up and noticed my B-Cups were flat, solid, and square, my nipples small and pointing downward with the new bulk, I knew I was fucking JACKED brah! I, I mean I was fucked... this is a bad thing damn it! I'm not some lumbering meathead! fuck!

Anyway, I tossed my sheets, and noticed the rest of me. I was definitely taller, with big, clammy feet like my best bro... I mean boyfriend's, dangling off the end of my bed. My legs were thick, solid and capable of carrying the added bulk I'd suddenly packed on. The entire room reeked of humid funk. There were dirty clothes all over the floor by the hamper, battered, worn old sneakers and cleats by door in a heap, and my Vanity had become a fuckin' beast of a gaming rig dude! Fuck yeah! Wait... no, I don't game damn it! I'm not a fuckin' dude!

the rest of the room had changed similarly. Everything that could have pointed to a female living here, was now distinctly male. And that of a Big, Dumb, Sweatrag of a dude, as I'd called my bro earlier. However... it didn't bother me. I could barely smell it over the pungent fog that came from my muscled-up body. I was swole! And kinda gross dude, not gonna lie... But like, I can't fuckin help it! It’s like there's a fuckin' furnace inside me, burning up everything it’s got to keep me pumped and riled, on edge so bad I can't stop myself from fidgeting. my hands just, do their thing dude! One minute I'm lookin' in the mirror, the next I'm groping my fuckin Rod... I, woah... ok, it might be getting worse! I meant my fuckin' cock! I, I mean dick! Fucking damn it!

You know what, whatever. like I said, one minute I'm standing there, the next I've got my dick in my hand, or groping my fuckin nuts like those behemoths at the gym! Or it'll slide up my shirt, lifting it up while I don't even realize it. There’re all kinds of fuckin' weird dude things happening, and I can't stop any of it! My bod fuckin does as it wants if I'm not actively fighting it! The worst, and I mean it, the absolute fuckin worst, is when I've just scratched my junk good, and suddenly, like fuckin instinct, I'm sniffin' my fuckin fingers like a damn animal! What the fuck dude! All the fuckin' bros say its natural, that its some caveman shit... I might believe them, because it happens with my pits too! Just, standing there hittin' up one of the pretty chicks... I... I mean uh... my old friends... and then wham! sweaty pit fingers all up in my grill!

My Bro's little brother, the creepy Goth kid caught up with me when I'd all but sprinted the few blocks to his and my bro.. I mean my fuckin' boyfriend's house. I was just coming to terms with the fact that I'd hauled ass down the street, half naked, when He opened the door, and busted out laughing. Even when I had him dangling off the floor by his hoodie, threatening to squash his scrawny little pipsqueak ass, he cackled, before his eyes flared, and in an instant, his hand was out, my nipple in his fingers, as a cold pain flashed over my chest, and I looked down to see my nip was pierced, a silver barbell forcing it to stick out, perked up and stiff.

My jaw fell, and I dropped his ass, trying to form words as this wild, aggression filled me. The fuckin' goth punk crossed his arms and smirked, just as the piercings, or rather, the hex he'd put on them, erupted to life. I felt as if my brain was being squeezed from the inside, as if this fuckin' loser had his hands on it, wringing it out like a wet towel. I clutched my head, stumbling until I hit the couch, and sat, my legs splaying wide to give my fuckin' junk some room, like any dude does, when I felt the pressure lesson, and a strange, warmth began to flow from the back of my head, down my spine, and settled into my fuckin balls dude! It was like having all your smarts and who you are, drained down and stored where it belongs bro! Brains in your fuckin balls!

Fuck... no wait! He said if I couldn't fight it, if I didn't learn what it was like being an athletic dude, I'd lose everything I was, and end up just another sweaty meathead, lumbering around the gym, lifting big, gettin fucking swole, and plowing my way through chicks until graduation! I had to fight it; I couldn't give up. And my bro wasn't fuckin' helping!

He was always a fuckin' Golden Retriever, happy and dopey and dumb, I shoulda realized he was a good dude and I was lucky, before I'd been Bro'd up and brain squeezed out! Now, my fuckin' bro loves taking me to the gym, putting this body through its paces, even throwing fuckin shade when he got a whiff of my fuckin' pits! He laughs, but dude? I'm fuckin ripe, always am since his little brother turned up the juice and made sure I fit right in with the bros. My bro... boyfriend... finds it hilarious when he catches me flexing in the mirror while pumpin' out reps, or when I have to peel off my tank cus it got too damn soaked! Just look at my fuckin boxer briefs bro! See that sweat? Thats a fuckin' Man's sweat! I'm a fuckin beast bro!

All I had to do was last 1 week. Live like a fuckin dude for 7 days, learn my lesson, and I'd have my old life back. That shouldn't have been hard... well, I shouldn't have been hard, when my best friend Laura forgot what was in my fuckin pants one night while I stayed over, and fuck if I didn't end up railin' her for a good hour, before I realized too late that I'd be stuck as a sweaty dude if I shot my 5-day pent up load! She gave me no option. Teasing me about being a big dumb meathead, all brawn, no brains, thinking with my fuckin' dick, and the last straw, the moment that ensured I'd be a dude forever, was when she bit and nibbled her way down my neck, her nails leaving red scratches along my fuckin back, until she bit my nipple, playing with the barbell with her tongue, and I fuckin lost it. Just fuckin plowed in, balls deep, and shot my load. That was it, everything that had made me a girl, had unloaded with high velocity into my best friend's belly. I nearly blacked out, my big feet scrabbling in the sheets trying to get deeper as my balls drained desperately. When it was over, I fell to the side in bed, gasping as she panted and giggled, tracing her nails through the sweat dribbling down my pecs. It’s been a month since I'd lost both my temper, and my female body... but fuckin look at me brah?! The bros and I are fuckin swole! My bro says I'm far better off this way, and Laura does her part, keeping the damn Male Aggression and insatiable need in my balls, satisfied. There's a reason dudes are the way they are. Sometimes, they just can't help it.

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luffyvace · 2 months

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helooo can i request saiki x reader bf texts please? thank you so much !! anything is fine honestly as long as its saiki content i miss him 😭😭😭😭

ooooou I haven’t got a request like this yet and it seems very fun!! No problem hun <3

IKR after you finish the anime it feels like such limited content is left for the saiki k fandom!! 😭😭

💓💗 Saiki and his boyfriend~ 💗💓

“Wanna go get some coffee jelly”

“This is oddly specific but can you tell the magician outside to leave please?”

”can you keep aiura and torisuka distracted so I can leave school?”

”thanks I’ll pay you back in (favorite thing)”

”let’s meet at the arcade”

”I’m annoyed my mom is forcing me to go outside but I know I’m gonna run into kaido”

”please come with me to make this more bearable”

”don’t forget to study for that test”

convos :3

”how do I make friends with that average guy from the other class without seeming weird”

”Kusuo idk just go up to him and talk to him 😭”

”yeah but if I don’t have something to talk about it’ll be awkward and my likeability meter will go down”

”can you figure out his interests for me so I can talk to him?”

”what? YOU do it 🤦”

”no i can’t the nuisances will find me”

convo 2 ;P

“Do you wanna come shopping with me?”

”your not gonna invite the nuisances too are you?”

”no kusuo 😭”

”oh okay well no”

“I'm NOT!”

“I know but nuisance number 4 just showed up”

”at your house?”

”no at the mall”

”ohh well fine 🤦”

convo 3

”can I borrow your bike nendo broke mine”

”HOW?”

”idk he sat on it”

”WHAT LOLL”

”I need it so I don’t have to go shopping with my dad”

”why is that so bad?? 😭”

”because he starts begging for things at the store”

”??”

“Isn’t he a grown man?”

”yeah I know that’s why I need to borrow your bike”

”sure babe..😭🤦”

convo 4

”my mom wants you to come over for dinner”

”oh alright!”

”no”

“??”

”say your sick”

”kuu why? 😭😭”

”can’t I come over??”

”no my parents are embarrassing”

”LOL”

”but I’ve come over plenty of times before tho”

”I know but, please just don’t come over”

”what’s happening??”

”fine. My dad wants to play a prank on someone because when he try to scare me it didn’t work. So I need you to come over and pretend to be scared so my mom doesn’t kill me”

”what?? So now I’m supposed to come over?”

”let’s just get it over with”

”you go through so much I swear 😭💗”

convo 5

”when you come over and my mom asks if you wanna meet my brother say no”

”whaaat but I kinda wanna meet him”

”say no”

”for both of our sakes”

”if you don’t go I won’t have to either”

”fine 😒”

convo 6

”goodnight kuu”

”goodnight m/n”

convo 7

“I hear nuisance number 4 isn’t showing up to school today”

”no she isn’t”

”rejoice. God is real.”

”KUSUO 😭😭”

convo 8

“your driving home today right? Can I hitch a ride? Nuisance number 1 is here”

”wait which nuisance is that again?”

”how can you forget? It’s the second most terrible one. Nuisance 1 is nendo”

”OHH YEAHH”

”hurry he’s coming”

”YEAH MEET ME AT THE CAR LOL”

convo 9

”come with me to nuisance number 2’s house so I don’t have to go alone”

”kaido right? he’s not so bad right? I can’t I have homework”

”no he’s just really weird and cringe and awkward”

“I’ll wait”

”okay 😭”

convo 10

“can I come over and we can watch that show you recommended me?”

”yeah sure any time kuu”

”you really don’t have to ask, I could get you a spare key if you want”

”yes an emergency escape route in case of nuisance surprises”

”WOW OK”

”and you ig”

convo 11

”that was sweet. what you did for them”

“Yeah I guess they’re not so bad for now”

”for now Kusuo?”

”you sound like my mom”

”actually, that’s not an insult I love your mom”

”I know”

”WYM 😭”

”you hug her more than I do”

”well that proves smth 🤨🤨”

”eh. I’ll get her a gift”

”good cuz she’s awesome 😙”

convo 12

“let’s finish playing that game you have”

”NO”

”WHY IT WAS SO FUNNY”

”you have never even played it he’s so annoying”

”LOLL YOU DIDNT HAVE TO TELL HIM TO DIE THO”

”you wouldn’t even think it’s funny if I hadn’t have told you”

”come on at least least me see the chapter you said you hated”

”you just wanna see me suffer”

”If I did I wouldn’t have distracted hairo for you earlier”

”FINE”

”LOL YIPPIE I’m coming over as soon as I’m done with my homework 🙂”

”😒”

convo 13

“How do I transfer to class 2”

”you just wanna be with satou don’t you”

”you don’t know how?”

”no kuu, I don’t 🤦”

convo 14

“I have to go visit my grandparents and my granddad is really awkward come with me”

“I’D LOVE TO MEET THEM”

”why do you love my family so much?”

”they’re strange”

”I love YOU 😒”

”are you calling me weird”

”in what way are you normal mister magic powers with weird friends and family who also has to stop a volcano from erupting yearly”

”those are just ordinary daily tasks”

”now your coming right?”

”I should leave you”

”you wish you were normal so bad”

”when are we going”

”on second thought you can stay here”

”STOP BEING SALTY IM COMING”

”NOW TELL ME WHEN”

convo 15

”let’s reschedule the coffee jelly date for Sunday”

”it’s too chaotic”

”it’s Friday”

”I know I’m dreading the weekend”

”my poor kuu 😭”

”stop”

”you sound like my mom again”

*read* 1:39pm

LOL I LOVE CONVO 10-15 😊😈 (it got more chaotic as it went on- 😭)

muahahahahhaha hope you enjoyed! these were quite fun :3

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wildlife4life · 1 year

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Fuck-it Friday

Tagged by: @ebdaydreamer

So this is not a new fic to me because I've been working on it for a bit, but its new to you all. Its the first fic where I've ventured into the A/B/O universe. It is also a season 2 AU after Doug comes back and attacks Chim and tries to take Maddie, but doesn't succeed. Instead Doug gets away, and Maddie and Buck run from L.A. Shannon lives bitches! But the biggest part of this story is Buck finding out he's pregnant while on the run. Surprise! We can all guess who the father is. Anyway, below is the letter that Buck sends to Eddie. But does he receive it???????

Eddie,

I am so sorry that you have to find out this way, but Maddie and I have had to toss our phones twice because of Doug. But I had to tell you. Let me start by saying, we are safe. I wish I could say where but you of all people know I can’t. I really thought we would be home by now, so I could tell you this in person. But Doug is relentless and apparently has higher connections than we originally thought. So again, I’m sorry and I never intended for any of this to happen.

I’m pregnant Eddie and its yours. Maybe it’s hard to believe. I’m still having trouble believing it. But those days we spent together in November…well life came to be.

It took some thinking and a very long, eye-opening lecture from Maddie, but I know how it all happened. I wasn’t lying back then when I told you I was on birth control. What I didn’t mention was the fact that I had started it just a few days prior to my heat. Maddie believes it may have triggered it. We’re not entirely sure. What I did learn is that the birth control I was on is adequate at best for male omegas and the only time we can get pregnant is during a heat. My previous doctor is getting an earful when I get back. That isn’t me saying I don’t want our baby, I do.

This probably the worst time to even be pregnant, but I am so happy and excited. I’m also so so scared. I wish I was with you and the rest of the 118. I wish Maddie and I could come home. I really wish that dog had ripped Doug’s throat out instead of a chunk of his leg. I wish for a lot of things. But my biggest wish, is that you could be here for everything involving the pregnancy. Check-ups, ultrasounds, the little flutters of movement, hell even the vomiting (why is it called morning sickness when it happens ALL DAY). I know how much you regret missing everything with Shannon and Christopher, and I feel awful that I’m putting you through that all over again. But until Doug is no longer a threat, I must stay away to keep our baby safe. Until then Maddie and I are recording everything. I’ll try to send more later, but its risky. I’m sure you’ve already heard; Athena believes Doug’s joined up with an Alpha group that believes in harsh traditionalism and are helping him track us down. Which includes watching our friends and family for any clue of where we are. Hide or burn this letter. Hide the ultra-sound and don’t say a word to anyone until we return. I’ll try to write more and send what I can.

Eddie, I am so sorry. I really am. And I’m not expecting anything from you, but I know you want to be a part of this baby’s life. You are the most amazing father. Christopher is going to be the best big brother. Maybe you wish that this child was between you and Shannon again. I kind of wish that too…

Our baby is completely healthy, and I’ll keep doing my very best to insure they stay that way. It’s the least I can do considering the situation. I hope everyone is doing good. Maddie and I miss you all every day. We really hope Doug is caught soon and we can come home. And we will come back, I really believe that. I hope you and everyone else does too.

Stay safe, give Christopher a hug for me, and again I’m so sorry.

Buck

What do you think? I'm actually kind of excited for this because have I got some twists and turns and angst and big man little baby!

Tagging (not to be pushy!): @911onabc @alyxmastershipper@elvensorceress@bekkachaos

#fuck it friday #911 fox #911 fic #buddie #buddie fics #my wips #a/b/o verse #season 2 au #evan 'buck' buckley #maddie buckley #eddie díaz

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theafrochick · 5 months

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my red flag is I'll wake up and be hurtled into a silly goofy mood so i write shit like this to cope. I like the idea of putting this in the long fic im deluding myself into thinking I'm going to write but for now have a snippet i guess since it'd feel weird posting this on ao3? idk.

we love stolas having a mental breakdown. and we also love asmodeus being along for the ride cus Asmodeus playing bob the builder with Stolas would fulfill all my needs in life actually.

something something projection and copium

Anyway

Pairing is: stolas & asmodeus. hurt/comfort

Word count: 2,741

I got sick of writing this lmao ignore the ending.

“What else is this supposed to be about then? I don’t know why we keep doing this when you found somebody else’s dick to hop on.”

“W-what on earth are you talking about?” Anxiety stabbed into you as you hug your grimoire to your chest. This was supposed to be a conversation. This was supposed to fix everything and instead if was devolving faster than you could have dreamed.

“Don’t play dumb Stolas, you and Asmodeus are plastered across every tabloid this side of hell. At least have the balls to admit that you’re just keeping me around as a side piece.”

“No, no, Blitzy it’s not like that. We’re friends! I’m doing him a favor, I would never do something like that. What do you take me for?” Blitz takes a step back when you try to approach him, an unfamiliar look of disdain crossing his features. A knot settles in your chest as you felt yourself shrink before him.

You knew you were a hypocrite for wanting him to believe that you wouldn’t cheat considering your relationship was a product of an affair, but you assumed his jealousy would be resolved when he realized Asmodeus was in a very committed relationship of his own. Clearly that wasn’t enough but you weren’t sure what else you could do for him. It felt like it didn’t matter at the end of the day. You had done for this him but he would never believe you if you actually said that. Or it’d somehow add more fuel to this never ending fire.

“I don’t see what kind of favor you needed him that involves you needing to hang all over him. If its about that stupid necklace you gave me so you wouldn’t have to see me anymore then consider the hint taken. You didn’t have to whore yourself out to get away from me.”

“I didn’t- I’m not- Please just listen to me, I only gave you that because-” You try to approach again. Blitz takes several steps back, folding his arms over his chest. Whatever faint connection you had to him snapped in that moment. The fact that there wasn’t anything to try and fix hit you like a truck and you the desire to cling to the vast nothing you had been given evaporated. You didn’t want to fight anymore. You were so tired of it. You suck in a breath, forcing yourself to straighten. Forcing yourself to not reach for him again even though a small part of you still wanted to. “Fine. If that’s how you feel then we can consider this the conclusion of any business we might have with one another. This 14th or any other are yours for the taking.”

You suck in another breath, then turn and take the stairs back into your house at a measured pace. In the resulting silence, filled by the bubbling of the fountain in the courtyard, you hoped that he wouldn’t actually let you walk away. But then the van door opened and closed. You opened the door to the foyer. The engine starts and fades just as quickly. You close the door, the click of the latch echoing through your head.

You’re fine. It’s okay. This is okay.

You feebly tried to placate yourself as you made your way through the house to put your grimoire away. If you didn’t it’d leave room for everything else to take root and even if you were pathetic, you refused to cry yourself to sleep on the entryway floor. This wasn’t the first time you just had to keep it together for a little while. What a handful of minutes compared to the other countless hours you had spent hiding from yourself.

But the grimoire never made it back to its place, because you were used to not having it. Because you had put a new book in its place. Because that book didn’t even fit well in your organization scheme but the blank space hurt to look at when you missed Blitz. Because you could handle the slight annoyance that it was in the wrong spot than look at that hole. Because if you moved that book to put your grimoire away then you’d have to find a new place for the wrong book. Because you didn’t have a place for it in the first place. Because then you’d end up reorganizing the mountain of books you had. Because after all that nothing would be the same. Because then you’d have to change. Because then you’d have to clean yourself. Because then you’d probably have to eat something. Because then you’d have to go to bed. Because then you’d have to wake up and grapple with the fact that you were as alone as you had felt your whole life.

Your knees give out and you curl into yourself. Between the sobs racking your body and the waves of anxiety that kept crashing over you you could barely breathe. Why is it always my fault?

How much more were you expected to give? You buried everything you wanted to the sake of others. You worried yourself sick. You overthought everything. You tarnished your birthright. You threw away whatever reputation you had t hat wasn’t trampled on by Stella. You couldn’t dig any deeper. There wasn’t any place you could hide from yourself anymore. You had nothing left and nothing to show for it. How was it still your fault that things ended up this way?

The vague burning sensation in your skin left behind from the feathers you hadn’t meant to rip out wasn’t enough to keep you grounded. And then more intentionally thinking that might leave you with something to grab onto as your magic misfired and bled into the room. Ichor seeped out of walls and pooled on the floor around you. The sound of cracking stone could scare be heard about the sound of your heart pounding in your aching chest. You’re making a mess, pull yourself together. This is unbecoming.

Normally a few sobering thoughts were enough for you to reign it in. To get some semblance of a grip on yourself and put yourself back together.

Not now. What was the point? You could stay there for as long as you wanted because nobody would care enough to come check on you. You could destroy the whole mansion and the only person who’d have to deal with it was you. This could just be another thing to add to the long list of things you couldn’t do right. Can’t be a prince. Can’t be a husband. Can’t be a father. Can’t be a boyfriend. Can’t be a boyfriend. Can’t take care of yourself. Can’t be left alone.

You squeeze your eyes shut, feeling your nails graze your skin before everything went silent.

“What the fuck...?”

You blink back into consciousness, cold from the ichor that had soaked into your clothes. Your head hurt, and your vision blurred. The tightness in your chest had subsided enough that you could at least breathe again. Maybe. Fresh anxiety wormed it’s way into you as Asmodeus cautiously pads over to you.

“Stolas, are you alright? What happened?”

You shove yourself into a sitting position, black spots dancing in your vision. A nervous laugh escapes you as you clap your hands together. “Oh, I was just...working on a spell.” Another nervous laugh. You set your soaked grimoire on the window seat, praying it was still legible. You could barely convince yourself that was an excuse let alone Asmodeus. Not when he was privy to everything that was going on and didn’t know how to let anything go. Not when you had unintentionally placed him in the middle of all of this.

“Wanna run that one by me again?” Asmodeus crouches in front of you, his head cocked earnestly to the side as he studies you.

“Just practicing…” You couldn’t bear to look at him as you forced the words out. Your stomach churned and your throat clenched. You weren’t sure if you were going to throw up or start crying again. Or both. “I’m fine, really. Do tell why you’re here.”

Asmodeus exhales sharply, resting his hand on the side of your face. He works his fingertips through your feathers to graze his claws against your skin. A tremor runs through you as the heat from his palm seeps into you. He always did run hot.

You fought the urge to sink into him, tension settling in your back as you sat a little straighter. “Really, I’ve just been out of practice so I thought it’d be good to reacquaint myself with some of the spells in the back of the book only I got distracted and it backfired a little. Nothing I can’t handle, I’m sure I did worse when I was younger. Haven’t we all?”

You weren’t sure what you were going on about as the room groaned and shifted around you. But saying nothing of any real substance was easier than sitting there in silence, trying not to look at him. This display was shameful, even if it was supposed to be private. Nothing was ever private. One way or another others always managed to wiggle their way in. If you said you fine eventually you’d mean it again and then things could go back to normal.

The chandelier gives from the added weight of the petrification and rips itself free of the ceiling. Asmodeus starts, whipping his head around to look at the pile of stone and plaster sitting on the floor. “Stolas…” He edges closer to you, cupping your face with his hands. “Don’t lie to me. It’s one thing if you want to be alone to work through whatever the fuck this is, but nobody who knows you and has half a brain would believe you’re fine right now.” He chose his words carefully, his drawl being the only thing that stopped an actual pause from forming.

You wring your hands together in your lap. For a moment you were a child being scolded for getting upset and all you could do was bear it. What good would admitting to anything do? If you did then it’d make this more real than it already was. So this was just another thing you could do. Pretend. Not anymore. You had felt the mask slipping for some time now but you never thought the day would come where you actually couldn’t put it back on. “It’d be a waste for you to worry about me when this whole thing is my fault.”

“I have a very hard time believing that.”

You shrug helplessly, pulling your face from his hands. “It always is… Things never should have gotten this far. I don’t know what I was thinking. I wasn’t that’s the problem. I never think. None of this ever would have happened if I just did what I was supposed to, but I never do. I can’t do anything right.” You suck in a breath, batting his hands away when he reaches for you. “Sorry, that was rather uncalled for. You should just go.”

“Do you mean that?”

Of course not.

You wipe your face on your sleeve, undoubtedly smearing black on the side of your face. “It’s for the best.”

You tense when Asmodeus pulls you into his lap. You couldn’t manage to protest as he wraps himself around you. “It’ll be okay, Stolas, you’ll make it through this.”

For a moment you could breathe. Your mind goes blank for an instant before everything comes rushing back to the surface again. It hurt, and you were certain that you wouldn’t be okay. You had never been okay. How were you supposed to start now?

“There, there, let it all out.”

You whimper softly, burying your face in Asmodeus neck while he gently rocks you. You always liked how unnaturally warm he was. When given the chance it was hard not to drift to his side whether it was warranted or not. The sickly sweet smell that clung to him usually assaulted your senses and relaxed you but now it just mingled with your shame and made you too acutely aware of the situation you were presently in.

Getting a handle on yourself felt more a priority than working through whatever this was supposed to be. You needed out of this. You needed Asmodeus to feel like he had gotten what he wanted so he could continue on. You couldn’t get used to this. You couldn’t start to depend on him. He wasn’t yours to need. Nobody was. You were too old to be throwing a tantrum because you couldn’t get what you wanted. That’s what this boiled down to wasn’t it? Once again you expected too much. It was your own fault for getting your hopes up. How could you end up surprised you were here? This had been coming for months and you should have accepted this then. You should have taken the inevitable with grace. Especially when you left him with everything he wanted. He’d never think about you again while you stupidly clung to things that only ever mattered to you.

Was that it? Was everyone always placating you because it was easier than dealing with this? Maybe you were unreasonable. Asmodeus was only here because you hadn’t said the right things. If you were a little stronger you’d be cleaning. And you’d move that stupid book someplace else. Or throw it away because you didn’t even need it, it was just the first one you saw. What was it even called? To think you fell apart over something that normally didn’t occupy an ounce of head space. I’m hopeless.

You blink a few times, abruptly all too aware of your body pressed against Asmodeus’. Of his steady breathing. Of his heart thudding in his chest. You had enough sense to be embarrassed without a twinge of anxiety so you had to confront the fact that you had to actually start picking up the pieces of whatever Blitz had broken inside of you countless times. There probably wasn’t even anything left at this point, but trying was really your only option when Asmodeus certainly wasn’t going to let you go back to tearing yourself and your house apart.

For now, you were mostly tired, and if you stayed like this any longer the idea of sleeping on his chest would have been tempting. Though this raised the question of you needing to get out of this and you were no closer to a solution than when the question was first posed. “Uhm...Asmodeus?”

“Yes, Stolas?” Asmodeus shifts you a little higher, nuzzling your neck.

“You may put me down, if you want.”

Asmodeus studies you for a moment. While the scrutiny still made you uncomfortable, it wasn’t nearly as unbearable as before. He seemed satisfied that you weren’t still spiraling out of control and eased you back onto the floor. You brace yourself on his shoulder and stand, a headache forming at your temples. “Why don’t you come stay with me tonight?”

“No, no I couldn’t possibly do that. It’s alright. This is a big place. There are other beds.”

Asmodeus hauls himself off the floor, momentarily distracted by the puddle off ooze he had put his hand in. “I also have other beds. Ones that aren’t covered in freaky black jizz. Besides, you need a bath and I know you aren’t going to take one. You’re probably not even going to change either and that look on your face says it all.” Asmodeus cuts you off, “girl you need to get a grip. I’m all for spending all day in bed, but at least do it in a clean one.”

You sigh, not really having the energy to argue with him. “I really wouldn’t want to put you out.”

“I have servants for a reason, only people you’re putting out are on payroll. Though word of advice,” he snaps his fingers, opening a portal into a very pink bathroom, “don’t let Froggy make your breakfast. He’ll do it because he knows you’re too nice to say no, and I think you’ve suffered enough for one week.”

“I’m not-” The protest died on your lips as you stepped into the bright light. You were already missing your room before the portal had closed. “Fizzarolli thinks I’m nice?”

“How could anybody think otherwise?”

#helluva boss #fanfic #stolas #asmodeus #my writing

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seungily · 2 years

Text

TANGLED ATTACHMENT LHS, PSH

synopsis: sunghoon had broken up a month ago and needed time before you both actually started dating, he told you to stay aware of his bandmate, lee heeseung but what happens if you grow attached to him and find out your ‘boyfriend’s dirty secret despite you both loving eachother?

pairings: park sunghoon x afab reader x lee heeseung

genre: angst, toxic love, love triangle, slow burn, slight fluff?

warnings: toxic love, mentions of cigarette, tension, one night stands,

inspired by: @//parkjaycult ‘s “BOUNDARY_LESS PSH” and heavily inspired by ‘Friends - Chase Atlantic’

author’s note:: I RE EDITED IT HOPEFULLY ITS BETTER AND EASIER TO READ NOW 🧍🏻‍♀️

there he lies, right beside you. he looked miserable with swollen blood-red eyes and dark circles, his cheeks were tear-stained he had marks supposedly hickies all over his neck. Despite being his assistant and manager, you had no idea what he does or where he goes after 7 PM but always received a message from him after 11 PM to either pick him up from a random club or open the door because he was freezing, despite you never wanting to you always do let him in. I mean why won't you? He kept you accompanied through your lonely apartment. This was another reason you had a small minimalistic apartment you didn't want to feel lonely.

Sunghoon on the other hand had broken up with his girlfriend of two years, Hyun-hee. You weren't sure why would anyone ever leave this perfect man? But who were you to say anything throughout the following 3 months Sunghoon continued to vent to you about his now ex but never mentioned the real reason why they fell apart. Regardless you comforted him and let him stay. Enhypen's manager never really minded him staying with you as long as you both did everything behind the scenes and Sunghoon was never late for his schedules. It led to the point you knew his smell, the time he'll text you and what his comfort foods were, can we say the same about Sunghoon knowing you? I guess not but the way Sunghoon would sometimes snuggle close to you deep in his sleep it made you think if you guys were just friends or more?

Back to the present, your alarm rang waking Sunghoon up while you keep staring at his neck about the hickies or scars. "Is something wrong?" the boy asked rubbing his eyes while sitting up. "N-no you should freshen up and return to the dorms I'll drive you there" he only nodded in response and walked towards the washroom. You on the other hand just sat on the bed in denial you didn't know how to feel you knew this needed to stop before you grew more attached but you couldn't just run away.

After dropping Sunghoon at the dorms, Heeseung began to approach you "Shall we go?" the black-headed guy asked politely, "Huh?" "Oh did Jihun (manager) Hyung not inform you?" you were beyond confused when you suddenly received the message from Jihun himself.

From Jihun (Manager-nim)

> YN! You have to take care of Heeseung's schedule as Nayeon is not well and I'm busy.

*sends schedule planner*

"YN you're still here?" Sunghoon's voice returns you to Earth "Oh.. Manager Jihun just texted me, I have to take care of Heeseung's schedule as his manager is sick and your schedule is empty today" YN said "Oh ok" he said almost upset. As you were about to leave with Heeseung, Sunghoon suddenly hugged you, "don't get too close with Heeseung I'll miss you" that somehow gave you butterflies even though this was a common skinship between the both of you, maybe his words were doing the effect but why did he even tell you to be careful of Heeseung? He seemed amazing even though you didn't know him that much. You quickly hugged him back and started walking with Heeseung beside you as it must've been awkward for him.

You start the car and start driving to a studio where he is supposed to record a song cover "Off my face" by Justin Beiber, it was probably coincidental that you absolutely love that song and you were pretty excited to hear him sing it. He was extremely polite and both of you made some small talk, you were mostly closest to the maknae line and of course Sunghoon so it felt awkward at first. "Soo.. it seems that you and Sunghoon are pretty close are you guys.." "FRIENDS! yes ah-hah! " you say it in the most unconvincing way but he seems to believe it for the time being while you apologize for being loud he laughs it off and switches the topic as he could see you were quite uncomfortable. Soon enough you both arrived "Do you want to come inside?" He asked while taking the bag he decided to carry after losing his only AirPods that were in his pockets "Am I allowed to?" you ask while unbuckling the seatbelt. And here you are staring at his face while listening to his angelic vocals he maintained eye contact with you looking at the camera from time to time but looking at you as well. It somehow gives you butterflies even if you didn't know him that well. He stared at you throughout the "In love with you" part and you wouldn't lie, you felt yourself felt.

After finishing his schedule with him and dropping him off at the dorms, you went back home and decided to scroll through your notifications and schedules, it was 10:57 PM you knew he'd dm you anytime now but to your surprise, he didn't?it shocked you but you shrugged it off and just thought maybe he won't come today? even if it was unusual..

*ring ring* the bell rang as YN got up to open the door. "Open up I know you're awake," He said as if he'd breakdown any moment in a drunk as fuck voice. You open the door and he crashes down on you, completely hugging you with both of his arms and keeping his head in your nape taking in your fresh smell. "why would she leave me, was I not enough" he said in a droopy sad voice almost falling down as you carry him to sit on your couch and continue comforting him till 1 AM or until he was asleep, yes you took care of him you knew he deserved better, you just wanted him to feel loved.You took a closer look at his state, his hair looked freshly washed and fluffy eventhough it was messy, it looked as if he washed up and then went to the club, why? you'll never understand this man.he still had the scars from yesterday and maybe more? or were you just seeing things? Either way you made sure to comfort him and made him feel loved, he always appreciated these actions towards him and would often cry and tell you how much he appreciates it, you really love his vulnerable side but t hurts you to see his tears sometimes.

You woke up feelings entangled in the sheets with another figure in your bed, that being sung hoon, you brushed hair off of his face when he started to wake up thanks to the sun being brighter than usual because you didn't pull the curtains, he holds you tighter in his embrace as he whispers a quite good morning and thank you for last night, that was enough to make you melt. If anyone saw you both in this state, they'd most probably think you both are dating, you both cuddled for a while before the blonde head spoke up again "how was it with Heeseung? Did he say anything? you thought for a while before shaking your head and said "just small talk and.." "and?" "nothing that special" you lied but you didn't want to make things awkward so that's how it was before you tried to get up but sat down again when Sunghoon pulled you towards him, he held you close to his chest you could hear his heart beating and he probably could too considering how fast your heart was beating.

"Let's cuddle for a while," he said in his deep morning voice which you were used to, he snuggled closer to your neck while you couldn't even move. "Y-you have to mc today r-remember?" you mentally curse yourself for stuttering. He groans but lets you go, you exhale as you both freshen up and you decide to drive him back to the dorms, he adjusts himself in the passengers' seat as you began to drive. "I'm sorry for yesterday, I wanted to spend some time with you yesterday but-" you cut him off, "it's fine" you feel him smile through the corner of your eyes as he reaches down to your hand gently squeezing it. These small interactions meant a lot to you as they made you feel wanted. You loved it. You loved him.

As you reached the dorms, Jihun informed you that you had to take care of Heeseung's schedule today as well even if you were aSunghoon's manager, the reason was obvious. Netizens were making rumors about Sunghoon and you dating, you were pretty enough to be an idol so speculations were that you're a trainee dating him so it was understandable what Jihun was trying to do but Sunghoon was definitely not pleased but you didn't mind because you were comfortable enough around him.

The whole day was fun with Heeseung , after finishing his photoshoot he took you to a cafe and now you both were sitting on a hill just looking at Seoul from afar. Sunghoon and Heeseung were different, extremely different. While you mostly had home "dates" with Sunghoon, Heeseung took you around the city into places you never even saw or knew. Both of them were equally fun.

Heeseung broke the comforting silence with his question "Soo YN.. were you raised in Seoul?" you just dryly chuckle "No... but I always wondered how it'd be to live in Seoul and that's how i ended up here, I'm from a small island beside Jeju I came to Seoul to become a therapist or psychiatrist but I guess some dreams don't come true" you looked down and brought your knees to your chest. "Why did you suddenly become a manager, I mean it is something comepletely different from a therapist or medical field " he asked again "Mm.. I dont know.. it was because of my mother, my studies were going well until she fell sick and needed money for her medicines so I just took a job that I found" you suddenly chuckle feeling chilled by the weather, "Is she still?..." you shake your head "no.. I lost her" you say, your eyes now getting glossy. Heeseung got closer and hugged you tight "It's not your fault, you tried and id everything you could. I'm so sorry" You started crying pathetically in his embrace hugging him back, you lost your mother recently yet tried being strong, nobody had comforted you like this. None of your relatives lived with you so you kept blaming yourself. The night went on by you explaining on how alone you feel in this city and how Seoul wasn't the place for you. This felt different, new and you liked it. Sunghoon normally talked about his feelings to you and you never really minded because you wanted to protect and love him but you didn't kow how it felt to recieve the same love. Until tonight.

It soon got pretty late and you drove Heeseung to his apartment instead of the dorm as most of them were with their familes or in their apartments. You realised that the key normally stays with his manager who was sick or Jihun, Heeeng had called Jihun but he wasn't picking up. You couldn't just leave him. "YN? If you want you can go home, I'll just stay at a hotel." he said breaking your thoughts. "No no what if sasaengs find you? How about you just stay at my house for tonight?" you don't know why you suddenly said that but you guess you didn't mind his presence anymore.

"I'll sleep on the couch" you offer and bring out a pillow from your bedroom buut he snatches it from you and says "I don't want to bother you so I'll just sleep on the couch" "No what are you saying I can't do that to a guest" You say snatching ng the pillow back and it suddenly becomes a pillow tugging competition to a pillow fight. It looked like as if you both were kids but you needed to get revenge on him for hitting you on the head with the pillow. After a while of messing around you began "Okay let's just sleep on the same bed but put pillows in the middle is that okay?"you said exhausted and out of breath. THere is no way any of you would fit in your small couch so Heeseung just agreed.

Instead of sleeping you both just talked about random stuff, how Heeseung became a trainee, if you had any siblings, music taste and anything till 4 in the morning when Heeseung heard snores while he was explaing his childhood talent show. He surely adored your sleeping face and fell asleep watching you.

You had woken up to your alarm and so had Heeseung, after turning off the alarm you couldn't help but laugh at how cute Heeseung looked . "Why what's wrong?" he asked rubbing his eyes "nothing you look adorable, you can go freshen up first then i'll drive you to the dorms" he just smiled and got up unlike sunghoon who would want to sleep 10 minutes more. As you said, you dropped him off at the dorms and went to Jihun's office.

Even if you didn't say or show it you were worried about what Sunghoon did after 7 PM and so by giving the excuse of 'forgetting his schedule' you asked Jihun where he went. "Oh? you don't know? he goes to the club and then a hotel as his schedule stays empty after mc'ing." Oh. It all made sense now, all those 'scars' him always coming after showering and drunk with the smell of women's cheap perfume. But why were you feeling like this? It's not like you both were dating or anything even jf you did confess? he had rejected you. You couldn't believe it. You thought he would've moved on. You knew you weren't the only one feeling this.

"Hyung? Where have you been?" Sunghoon asked the older boy, he didn't know if he should say that he spend the night at the house of his member's 'friend' or crush but he couldn't lie to him either. "At YN's place as we forgot the keys to my apartment" he said calmly, "Oh? so that's why she didn't call me?" the older one just sighed "Sunghoon you cant expect her to only run behind you, I know you love her you should just tell her.. stop going behind her back and doing shit how would she feel if she found out?" Sunghoon just scoffed "You should be the last person to tell me this after sleeping over at her place" he said slowly getting heated up, thankfully none of the members were home, Jake, Jay and Niki were recording while Sunoo and Jungwon were at their radio show."You don't own her, I'm not here to argue about her, just stop and confess to her before she finds out herself" he tried to be calm "Hyung you don't need to tell me what to do, I know her well enough to know what to do to win her over" he said ready to walk out when- "know he?" he laughs in between before continuing " do you even know what she was going through these few months when her mother died? No, youre to hung up on Hyunhee just give YN a chance stop fucking around." Heeseung snaps back before going to his room.

Sunghoon was speechless but still mad and possibly jealous over the fact that you let Heeseng stay over so he went to meet Jihun to ask why you hadn't come yet. "Oh YN, she took a break for a week" he said before going back into a phone call about a new brand deal while Sunghoon stood confused "why would you suddenly take a break?" Completing his schedule faster than usual he drives to your place, t was 6 PM a lot eralier than he usually would come, it was raining heavily so the sky was dark already. He had a bad feeling but he had to confront you, maybe even tell his feelings like Heeseung adviced?

He twisted the door knob and surprisingly it was unlock but that wasn't more shocking than what he saw inside, you were blankly staring at the city infront of you through the window of your living room with a cigarette between your hand. "Since when did you smoke and let guys I didn't want you to be with come in your house?" you flinched but turned to face him and stood up, "Since when did you start coming so early, are you done fucking your hoes in a hotel?" you spoke quieter, looking at him with glossy eyes. "Answer the questio- YN what?" he said quite shook and taken aback by what you said.

"Tell me what youre doing on the other side." you start backing up "YN-" 'Just tell me what youre doing with those other girls!" you spoke through your tears "Tell me why youre always wasted when we talk, tell me why you only remember my name in the mornings..." "YN no listen to me I love yo-" he tries grabbing your hand but you back away, both of you pathetically crying now. "Running in circles now look what you've done... I trusted you.. and what the hell are we? tell me we werent just friends? this doesn't make no sense!" you said gripping your hair "YN I really do love you I didn't mean to- " he fell down on his knees "You said youre not ready.. I was waiting for you to move on, only to find out I'm the rebound" you laugh bitterly "YN No- please give me a chance..-" you pointed at the door "leave." he seemed shocked "Y-YN no youre not fine I can't leave." you only laughed "I'll be fine without you babe"

That's when he realised he had completely losed you..

after he felt, you decided to call heeseung

"YN? What's wrong?"

"H-hee please come ove-over"

He left.. again. like everyone does you were shaken up. The only person who gave you their attention was Sunghoon, despite not saying anything he made you feel special. you had confessed your feelings to him once and he said he needed time. what has this led to. I should've known. "YN?" Heeseung came in, he seemed shocked at your state. You were shaking a thrown cigarette on the floor while your hair was a mess, tears kept streaming down your face. He ran up to you taking you in his embrace, he didnt want someone so precious in this much pain. It hurt him too. "W-why did h-he even give m-me ho-hope?- if h-he want-ted something e-else" you spoke in broken words but Heeseng understood, he figured you found out what Sunghoon had been doing. "Shh.. it's okay you deserve better calm down" he rocked you back and forth before you calmed down just softly crying in his embrace.

You were on his lap while he held you protectively in his arms. "I know this isn't the right time but, I -I just want you to know I'm here for you.. I probably haven't loved you as long as sunghoon did but if you give me a chance i promise I'd never let you go.." Before you could say anything he attached his soft lips on yours, you didn't kiss him back. You were too taken aback. He soon detached his lips from you and said "I get it if you don't want this I'm still with you" He hugged you tighter before you spoke up "I n-need you too Heeseung but please let me heal before I trust you again.."

"I'll help you heal" He said before you fell asleep, tired from heartbreak and love yet being comforted by the person who you'll soon start loving.

you maybe truly will be fine without him

author’s note: my hand hurts but hey it was worth it, ngl i enjoyed writing this and I hope y’all like it <3 parmanent taglist is open

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beevean · 1 year

Note

Good day to you! Sorry to bother you, but do you know about that voice clip hidden in Sonic Frontiers game files where Sonic comments about regretting not sharing an umbrella with Amy? The clip is both in JP and EN, I already had heard it, cannot for the life of me find it at the moment, but seeing as you are a pretty dedicated, analytical Sonamy shipper, I wanted to bring attention to its existence, and how it was previously believed it was just an unused asset, but now, with the DLC confirmed, there's a high chance there's gonna be a Sonamy heavy scene related to the DLC 💙💖

Hello, good day to you :D

Oh no you give me too much credit fshjafhaskjfhkj I'm not a Sonamy analyzer at all, there are people way more dedicated than me (I have to tag my friend @latin-dr-robotnik, he's the residential Sonamy expert here), I just think they're cute <3

I haven't heard the clip in Japanese yet, but I had found it in English - not just the umbrella one, but the one where Sonic says "I should have made up my mind sooner"... mmh, about what, I wonder? 👀

From what I know, the mysterious voice clips in Frontiers (including the ones where Sonic is physically sick because of the Cyber corruption/erosion) are not "unused", merely very hard to trigger: you need to stay idle for 10 minutes. Maybe they'll patch them to not make them so obscure?

In any case, I'm glad that the DLC content will give Sonic Team a chance to include material they had to scrap due to development issues (because Frontiers screams "development issues", regardless of if you liked it or not lmao), but it's a bit too early for me to tell what the "new story" they promised will be.

Something about the way they framed the third image implies to me that they'll add a whole section to the part where Sonic gets completely corrupted: instead of the trio saving him after 10 seconds, maybe they'll go through an End Of The World-esque section in the Cyberspace, while Sage gets even more development. But it's just my theory and I could be wrong. I guess that it's what I'd do if I had the chance ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Anyway, truth to be told? I'm in no rush to see more of Sonamy in Frontiers, because while I don't particularly like Amy's arc, I sure like her interactions with Sonic. They're very chill and comfortable towards each other :) it's what I've been saying for a while now: they're just very close friends, mature enough to have morality discussions, supportive of each other, and Sonic even accepted Amy's hug <3

This is my vindication for that horrible scene in Generations where he's pushing her face away <3 yay, character development!

#sonic the hedgehog #sonamy #sonic frontiers

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tincanton · 5 months

Text

my thoughts on jrwi ep 110 :DD

- THEY FUCKING EXPLODED????

- NOT THE FUCKING STICK FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU

- LET THEM HAVE THE STICK YOU MONSTER

- honestly glad chip cant get another deal because thats double fucked

- erm i dont think you should let niklaus decide when the dread queen comes back maybe its just me but that seems. KINDA BAD :DD

- dude not. dont call him papa possibility :((

- CAPTAIN ROSE CAUSED IT??????

- THE STICK 😭😭😭

- yeah chip lost something valuable alright THE STICK. oh yeah and his heart too I Guess 🙄🙄

- [looking at his exploded friends] u alright? ._.

- theyre speaking spanish :> my beloveds.

- augh chip and queen hug :(( i love them so much :(( also WWHO TF IS QUEEN need their backstory asap

- OH MY GOD AAAUGH THE REFERENCE

- "nice forearms. and nicer staff :))" "did you just walk up and say that to me???" 😭😭 (did not even listen to the entirety of the old campaign) (like one episode at most)

- "M̶͈͉̌͐Y̵̼̆͂ ̵͕͆͆T̸̩͖͌͆I̶̘̐̇M̸̭̲̔̇E̵̯̜̍͒ ̶̝̀H̴̲̹͊͌Ą̷͌̅Ș̴̛̉ ̴͚͝Ċ̴̬O̷̻͚̊̕M̴̲̭͐̉Ë̷̢͉́͘.̶͈̰͐̀" "should we call them back who was that :}" gilly my silly

- awh chip and jay conversation :(( jay feeling guilty because chip had his heart taken away because she didnt get her limbs taken off (girl its okay nobody wants to be amputated) and chip reassuring her that its fine even though its definitely not fine

- get that leg fixed goddamn. dont hide it no-

- Tree Powers Activate >:D [tree powers do not activate]

- "that barrel you sleep in? thats made of trees!" "but... it doesnt have any branches..."

- starts weeping sexily

- what is happening. i cant keep up with their silly banter this is so funny help

- "H̴͔͌͊Ę̵̢̂̔Ẻ̴̯E̷͓̓͛Y̸̱͂͑Y̴̤̹̅Ỹ̷̧̪Y̷̘̆͝Y̷͓̙͆." "omg i didnt know you were chill like that."

- idk if anyone noticed but gillion is my silly. my favorite little guy if you will. gilly. he is my everything. he is bantering with a tree.

- HELP JAY AND CHIP ARE JUST STANDING THERE

- GOD DONT LET GILL ASK THE TREE AHAHAHHSHDHSHD

- "do u like blue color or red color more?? :∆"

- HOW MANY TREES ARE THERE??? NONONONONO GILLY DONT DO IT-

- "what do they call you?" "how long until you die :3"

- HELP GILLION WIKI. LISTENING TO JRWI IN PUBLIC IS SO HARD IM SO GLAD I HAVE A MASK BECAUSE I CANT STOP SMILING OMG

- Gillion Motherfucking Titty Sucking Tidestrider

- omg the prophecy lore pls i need the truth too

- i did not understand any of that but cool

- "who are you without your titles?" "i dont know" ow. okay.

- god i hate how jrwi can go from so funny to so emotional so quickly. i love it. i hate it.

- albatrio my beloved. my found family

- "if the world explodes, at least we get exploded together :))" aw... i think...

- "what do you see in these fishy eyes 0-0" "what color are gills eyes?" "Bloo :]"

- GRAGHH GILL ASKED WHAT THEY SEE IN HIM. THEY SEE A FRIEND. THEY SEE FAMILY. THEY SEE A GOOD PERSON. HURGH. IM GONNA THROW UP. THEY SEE SOMEONE WHO WILL LAUGH WITH THEM WHEN THEYRE IN DANGER. GOD IM GONNA BE SICK.

Gill: What if there's nothing?

Jay: Have you enjoyed it?

Gill: I think I had a pretty rough start, but yeah. Even the worse parts. Maybe more than I should have. Yeah I have.

Chip: Then fuck it.

Jay: That's all that matters.

OH SO YOU WANT TO HURT ME. OH SO YOU WANT TO KILL ME.

- "Even if its all inevitable I'm glad we got written in the same story." Dont. Dont do this to me.

- HELP NOT THE INTERVALS OF GILL JUST BREAKING DOWN IN BETWEEN SENTENCES

- NO LITERALLY DO NOT GIVE ANYONE THE DECK OF MANY THINGS PLEASE

- noo haha chip dont pull a card from the deck of many things youre so sexy hahaa (i already made this joke befo

- "gambling is not destiny"

- woah theres a wicked looking sword in the corner

- BABY BLADE????? yeah were movin on.

- dont eat chip's hotmode swords pretty please

- charlie has made nuh uh and yuh huh a part of my vocabulary this sucks

- istg if "it is what it is" becomes the new "it is my destiny"....

- naw gill trying to defy the gods by not sleeping 😔😔 bbg just go sleep

- they gotta get outta here man i dont wanna know what happens if they get too many corruption points jays ALREADY AT 5...

- WHAT DID THEY DO TO EARL???? HELP LMAO

gill: Oh Well you know if you need anyone Else to cast the spell for you... Maybe theres like a PALADIN or someone-

chip: i can try :))

gill: *fucking leaves*

- chip jumpscaring igneous for a bit is so silly of him please use chip being dead as a prank more lmao

- hnnghhnghhnb star saying that they have to make their own hope while holding zamia hrrrghhr oh theyre In Love in love

- "Life keeps going on. And so do the holes. In the sea. And they call to us." - Jay Ferin

- "he was there one moment and then he turned to dust and died. Wait im thinking about the tree. Green is fine :))"

- he gave gill his seed. yuh huh. yurp.

- gill has two moms that share custody of him :] and also theyre gods :]

- "i have ceremony prepped if you want to make it official :>" HAHSHAHDHS GILL #1 SUPPORTER OF STAR/ZAMIA FRRR

- ZAMIA BLUSHING PLEASEEE

- BAHAHAHSHSH "not a big deal ive officiated a wedding before :)) NOT THAT IT WAS HONORED 👀😒😒🙄🙄"

- TIL DEATH DO US PART. AND CHIPS DEAD. ALL IT TOOK WAS TAKING CHIPS HEART TO GET DIVORCED.

- "ive seen this before :DD do you guys wanna get married?" lmao so this is why i saw some ship art of chip and igneous.

- "i share my finances with them already [gesturing to gill and jay]" is this supposed to imply that you are married to your captains chip nolastname. chip jrwi.

- jay: nononono we're not adding another Person to that though. oh so you ARE in a polyamorous relationship huh. huh.

- gill: i never thought of it like that ._. (he was in the poly and he didnt even realize)

- wait so have they just decided that if they both roll nat 20s they would get married. ermm. chip i think you. i think you forgot smth... (/hj)

- chip got 0 game just go to your fish man already

- "as a cleric i feel obligated to stop y" "no dont." "sure ._." dang they really want to go into this hole dont they.

- nonono no mold hallway no please no no

- lol did they just forget to mention the literal teleporter they have that can bring them out of the black sea at any point.

- honestly i love that the riptide pirates are just bad at being pirates. like go off and make friends and throw your money off the ship.

- igneous part of the riptide pirates :DD (literally run away from these dumbasses)

#jrwi #jrwi riptide #jrwi liveblog #sort of #tincantext #jrwi ep 110 #jrwi spoilers #are they spoilers???#its already been out for like.. 2 months..#oh well

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butteredcrackers · 6 months

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A little vent ig?

life is very, very stressful right now for me, and my extreme executive dysfunction is not helping. I currently cannot get a therapist or medication for my severe depression related to trauma, and its making me spiral. I just found out all my friends think I'm fucking annoying and have thought that for months, and this month has been stressful because they finally showed what awful people they are and I pointed it out and said what they did was fucked up so I'm the bad guy now. I dyed my hair recently and it looks like trash and I feel really bad cause my mom did it and I appreciate her so much cause she did it while sick, but I feel so ugly. I have to learn 2 extremely complicated pieces if music that I've been putting off for so region, and this doesn't count Christmas concert music, and I'm getting lost in pulling assignments and teachers who think I have the time to spend every waking second of my day on their class alone. I'm not practicing my all region music cause when I get home I just fall to the floor and sit there until its 10pm and I'm like "oh shit I need to sleep" then u fucking stay up still, not getting good sleep, and I keep forgetting to take my meds to make me sleep. I don't know who's my friend and who's not, and now I'm so worried that I'm annoying people that I'm scared to talk to my best friend even though I know she doesn't hate me at all but what if she does what if she hates me. What if I'm really as annoying as they say I am? Did they really hate me for this long? Am I that unbearable to be around? Why did they fake it and be so nice to me? Why did she still say she loved me when she found me so fucking annoying and wasn't attracted to me at all? I want everything to stop. Its too much. I can't anymore. Everyone is just out to get me I guess. Everything is too much. I want to curl up and die. I wish I could just become dormant and rot away, nobody would notice right? Since they all fucking hate me, right? They called me autistic, said that I wasn't autistic and was doing it for attention, when I never called myself autistic. They were the ones who called me autistic and crazy when we were friends. Sure I hate noted at it and said I needed to probably get evaluated but if someone said I was autistic I denied it heavily. Because I don't want to be seen as faking it for attention. I'm so over everything. I kinda just wanna die but I don't because mom thinks people who kill themselves are selfish narcissists and I don't want her to see me that way. This is really long I'm so sorry if you get this on your dash. but it's so much I just need to let it out it might help. God im just so done. Im.burnt out. And I can't take a day off or I'm not exempt from exams anymore. Will someone take me out. God please will someone tell me its ok and they love me. I just need a hug. A really really long one. I need someone to tell me they love me. And that they care for me.

#I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry #Please forgive me for this #I just want to be loved #I just want to be cared for #I just want to live without responsibility #I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry #I'm so sorry

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mim526 · 1 year

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Harry's William

Full disclosure, my interest in the British Royal Family is primarily because of William and Catherine and their family. Naturally, if Harry’s book is apparently going to have much to say about William, I start examining some of its claims. (Bear with me, folks, I've been thinking about some of this stuff for a long time and now seems a good time to post it :-)

Does the William that Harry portrays in leaked excerpts exist?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Re: Harry saying William 'screamed', 'yelled', and 'hit' him

Most of Harry's account I'd need an authenticated untampered video to believe. However, I think William likely did raise his voice strenuously on the occasion of 1) Harry getting in deep with a woman he barely knew, 2) protecting palace staff reportedly bullied by Harry's wife, and 3) Harry leaving the protection and safety of the royal family and monarchy with said wife who by that time they'd all had first-hand experience of behind palace walls.

I'm not related to Harry and cannot say at this point that I have any liking for him, yet I'd love to tell him, "Who else loved you enough to try to yell some sense into your head when you were making the biggest mistakes of your life?" William knew Harry better than anyone, had been his life-long protector.

Re: Harry saying he killed 75 (25?) Taliban

Out of the numerous thoughts I have on this, here’s the most controversial: Soldiers do not speak publicly of how many people they have killed, but murderers with sick minds do. Killing someone is hard on the psyche even when it’s done to defend or protect. Harry needs to get himself serious mental help; someone who prescribes something other than pills and/or crossing arms, tapping shoulders, etc.

Why did he say it? Given the ‘bash William’ theme running through many of the leaks, it’s a good guess to assume in his mind he wanted to one-up his brother who’d never been allowed to see active duty. Harry made a point in the Netflix episodes of mentioning how his family couldn’t relate to his military experience.

Let’s look at William’s career experience: helicopter pilot for search and rescue, then air ambulance. William has made a few brief personal remarks regarding being unable to save someone or of having to witness abject family grief when an ambulance call ends in being unable to save a suicide victim. He is arguably more familiar with death than his brother and his brother’s 25 Taliban.

One other thing about William’s job. Excerpts from a 2016 BBC article illustrate how much of a cop-out Harry’s self-pity about being the “spare” is. I think more than any other single thing, it’s the choices William made on the really important things that yielded the difference in brothers, not his being in line for the throne:

It was William himself who insisted on finding a civilian job after he completed his tour of duty as an RAF Search and Rescue pilot in 2013.

Piloting an air ambulance was his way of finding a new role for himself.

It was a departure from tradition. No royal in direct line to the throne had done such a thing before.…

William feels that there is "the time and the space to explore other means of doing a worthwhile job" [service].

Using his real-world experience, William leads in a way that yields real-world results

He brought together for the first time the heads of UK emergency services to create a mental health support package for first responders.

Re: William ‘does not hug strangers’

Oh really? I’d say it depends on who the stranger is, and how he reads the person.

November 2022

New Zealand Police Commissioner re: William visiting New Zealand following the Christchurch mosque massacre:

"If I could use the words he used to our staff, 'a good friend doesn't pick up the phone when a person is in need. They travel to their place and put their arms around them’”…[or offer traditional greetings].

“His main piece of advice was to talk to each other, to not bottle things up – to support each other to talk about what they saw and what they do afterwards.

“There was a moment with all the first responders (where he was) just telling them how important their job was but also the importance of looking after themselves.

“When he said he was there to put his arms around us as a friend and offer support, that really had an impact on us.”

The ‘head-over-heart’ William that Harry is trying to portray does not exist. Yes, there is a streak of ruthless in William: he’s a protector, and some things he is not going to budge on. He may stand apart from some strangers [or brothers seeking to destroy what William has pledged to protect], but when it comes to those he loves and trusts…let’s let a few pictures tell the tale:

Her last time...

Peter Phillips

Closing with William’s words to a friend:

"I've put my arm around my brother all our lives and I can't do that any more; we're separate entities," the Prince reportedly told a friend. All we can do, and all I can do, is try and support them and hope that the time comes when we're all singing from the same page."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In William we are observing genuine nobility from a bygone era in modern times.

Well done, Your Royal Highness. Keep the faith.

#William

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f4ding4way · 2 years

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WOW TW: SH I GUESS BUT NOT REALLY?

This stupid fucking girl at our school keeps taking the fucking scissors and mock slitting her wrists, she writes 'I hate myself' and some other bullshit in her stupid fucking notebook over and fucking over.

I know it sounds like I'm being an asshole, but she ONLY does it when her friend is around, she isn't even properly cutting skin, she's just fucking pretending to so her friend cares

I couldn't breathe when she did it at first, fuck her fuck everything, everything was going all fucking spinny. I hate her.

I felt bad at first, she's going through the same stuff I went through, BUT WITH ALL THE EXTRA ATTENTION I NEVER HAD AND NEVER WILL GET.

SHE CRIES AT EVERYTHING, SURE MAYBE SHE'S SENSITIVE OR WHATEVER, BUT WHEN I CRY NO ONE CARES, BECAUSE I HIDE IT. I HIDE IT AND NOBODY GIVES A FUCKING SHIT. NO ONE WILL EVER WANT ME AND I WANT THAT FUCKING ATTENTION, I WANT IT SO FUCKING BAD.

Its so obvious she's only doing it for attention, she was fine alone, she was laughing while trying to cut herself, giggling and all that bullshit while her poor friend kept telling her to stop, ALL IN FRONT OF ME.

She wasn't even crying. She was laughing. I used to sit by myself cutting and cutting, blood blood blood, everyone BLAMED ME. My mom said it was all my fault I was sick and twisted that I liked the pain, 'psychopath', 'manipulative', 'demon child'?? 'you aren't my child you're a monster', 'are you in some satanic group?' I didn't fucking like the pain.

She just laughed, only grabbing the scissors when her friend was around, with her stupid fucking smile. She gets the attention from teachers I will never have, she doesn't do it in front of them, but she has aNxIeTY so they feel bad for her. I shut up about it, I cry when I'm alone at lunch and wish the teachers would take me home instead of the monster hiding in my mom.

I just want my real mom back. Please please I just want the attention I want it I'm so jealous I need a hug but the only hugs I get are while I'm rocking back and forth on my bedroom floor hugging myself. No one will ever hug me. I need attention. I need it please please please.

Wow. Long rant. I hate her.

#tw sh related #tw ed vent

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blissfullyapillow · 2 months

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Hey I'm kinda new to your blog and I'm requesting a matchup (if you don't mind, that is)!!

First, my personality. I would say that I'm a pretty soft-spoken person and that kinda messed with my self-esteem tbh(´ . .̫ . `). That's probably because when quarantine happened I just didn't talk much ('cause who else am I supposed to talk to? People who is not my family? No way! My fear of people finding me cringe will haunt my every interaction with another human being!!) and I guess my vocal cords didn't develop as much as it could've and made my voice really quiet and when I record myself saying anything and listen, I am just so embarrassed because people really hear that come out of my mouth??? Because of that, I've been super insecure about my voice and barely spoke, even in the comfort of my own home! But I've been slowly coming out of my shell when we were allowed to go back to school. I was not thrilled about this and my hands were fr shaking. And I think when I arrived at school, I was the last one to come in (but I wasn't late though), so I had no choice but to sit in the first empty seat I found. I felt kinda sick but I brushed it off as first-day-of-school nerves but when we were being arranged in our assigned seats, I threw up. Not in the classroom, the bathroom, but since the stall was locked for some reason; I had to throw up in the sink.

So yeah, not a very good first impression to your new classmates. And since then, I became EVEN MORE quiet because I was so embarrassed that I threw up on my first day (;ŏ﹏ŏ). I think I was going a bit off topic so let's continue where we left off!! Anyways, once we're friends and I feel comfortable with you, I will be so affectionate; I.e, hugging you, holding hands with you, complimenting you etc...

But I'm not always like this with all my friends. My male friends, for example, are exempt from my affectionate nature as I feel like I'm not that close to them for me to be touching them like that. All I would allow myself to do to them are: shaking them by the shoulders (but not too hard), light-hearted slaps, and stuff like that.

I don't really have a gender preference on who I find attractive, but I think I find myself gravitate—ughhh I cringed when I typed that but I can't think of any words that fit (ᗒᗩᗕ)— more on males so I guess thats my preference??

And as for my likes and dislikes;

Reading, but on my own accord!! I absolutely HATE it when I feel like its an obligation and not something I do for fun or when someone tries to make me read a book I have no interest in and pressure me into reading it and is suprised when I say I don't like it!!! But there is one time when someone forcing me to read a book made me discover an absolute gem!! I would read it so many times and I would still be giddy when plot twists occur(≧▽≦).

I LOVE saba bananas!!!! (They taste good when their fried😋.) My favorite banana afternoon snacks (or merienda, as we call it) are turon and banana cue!!

I also like chocolate cake!! Or any chocolate flavored food hehe^_^.

I also like either strawberry or grape flavor candy

I dislike math(눈‸눈). There are times when I would find math at least tolerable but those are fleeting moments I'm afraid😔.

As for qualities I look for in a partner, I would want a partner that that has long hair. I just find them to be super cool and attractive!! And if they don't have long hair, that's fine!! I can still put hairclips on them(＾∇＾)ﾉ♪. And I'd fall so hard if their willing to financially support means spoil me🤭. I like it when people give me gifts, so perhaps a partner where their love languages is gift giving, words of affirmation because I'm insecure about my looks(＠_＠;) and MONEY(✯ᴗ✯)!! All joke aside, money is not the only thing I look for in a partner, idc if their middle class as long as they radiate golden retriever vibes, I. Am. HOOKED. Ahem, let's continue, I like people who make me feel safe with them. The type of person that, even when we're arguing and we're shouting our lungs out with each other, I would never have to fear them losing their cool and beating me black and blue (wow that escalated quickly).

And for chr I don't want to be paired with:

First: MAHITO. I DESPISE him, absolutely abhor him and his very existence. I can't even.

Second: Kenjaku. It's not fair!! Why does he got to have the fine specimen of a man that is Jin Itadori and not me😭😭

Third: Thirteen. I don't really have anything against her; I think she's very pretty but I haven't reached the lesson when she first appears and since I don't really like spoilers much, I don't have a grasp on her personality and that's pretty much it.

Fourth: Raphael same reason as thirteen

Fifth: Mephistopheles same reason as thirteen and Raphael.

And thats all!! If you decide to not do this match up, that's fine!! Don't pressure yourself (づ｡◕‿‿◕｡)づ!!

Can I be " 🌸🎀 " anon? Because I don't think this will be the last time I visit your blog ♡(´ε｀ )

Notes: 🌸🎀 anon you’re so cute with how you speak and all your emojis and jemoticons haha. I relate to feeling quiet and shy, especially in school. It's the worst when things that we perceive as embarrassing happen and others witness it. I hope things are better for you and you have a group of friends that feel like family :>

Masterlist

°˖➴♛ ₊˚⊹⋆ ♡

I match you with: Yuta Okkotsu

°˖➴♛ ₊˚⊹⋆ ♡

Yuta immediately stood out to me as a your choice when you mentioned you love radiating golden retriever energy in a partner haha. Yuta is definitely that kind of guy.

I feel like you would meet Yuta at the worst possible moment, like something embarrassing happened yet when he sees you he’s non-judgmental and ready to help. He wouldn’t be able to stop himself from admiring how pretty you look either.

Just say the word and Yuta will happily get you whatever you want. Knowing he’s a distant relative of the Gojo clan, I headcanon he isn’t someone short on money, and he’s a very strong jujutsu sorcerer.

Yuta is definitely the kind of guy who would want to spoil his partner and just spend time with them. He’s never short on words of affirmation, and when he recognizes your affinity for gifts he’ll make sure he buys anything that catches his eye and he knows you’d like.

Yuta is a kind-hearted individual, so he’d never do anything rash when you two are arguing. If anything, he’s calm and willing to hear your side and come to a compromise between the two of you.

Yuta will bring you saba bananas whenever you have a bad day, accompanied by anything chocolate he can find to cheer you up! One of his favorite things to do with you is indulge in a chocolate cake together late in the evening, as you two discuss how your day went and catch up on any tea (haha).

If you asked he’d willingly do your math for you, or even help you to understand it and do it yourself if that’s something you’d prefer.

Yuta will not hesitate to put someone in their place if they’re being rude to you or making you feel bad. He’s your protective boyfriend without the toxic traits; he doesn’t care who you hang out with or where as long as he knows you’re safe with that person and they also have your best interests at heart.

He genuinely wants the best for you, for you to be the best version of yourself, and he knows you feel the same way! You two would honestly be a power couple and emulate what true and mutual pure love looks like.

Yuta may not read much but if someone recommends him a book he’d think you’d enjoy, he’ll suggest it to you, but no pressure! He may teasingly push it a little but nothing that’d turn you off from reading the book of your own accord. \

Overall Yuta will happily be your golden retriever boyfriend who loves to spoil you until you’re sick of him, if that’s even possible.

ꉂ`𖦹.〃୭ ˚. ᵎᵎ

After a long day, you open your door and drag your weary body into your comfortable abode. Yuta’s face visibly lights up when he hears you return, having finished his mission early to see you as soon as possible.

He stands, watching as you sluggishly put away your things. You drag yourself to your bathroom, only to be met with a prepared bath. You jump when something’s thrown into the clear water.

As colors swirl in the tub, you turn to see Yuta’s smiling face behind you. “When you were texting me earlier, I picked up on your subtle distress. Just relax. When you’re done, join me! I brought your favorite…” He turns to leave; he intends to give you privacy to unwind.

“Saba bananas?”

You can hear the smile in his voice when he replies, “You know it. My beautiful partner deserves nothing but the best.” He’s ecstatic when you respond with giggles, looking forward to seeing you later so you two can indulge in a tasty snack as you talk about your day.

Dedicated to,

🌸🎀 anon ∿. // ಇ.݁˖ . ݁

#pillow'slovelyanon's<3

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fred-and-george-weasley-my-loves · 2 months

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Chapter 1

|Eugenes's POV|

it was a cold October morning at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry and I had just woken in my dorm room, I suppose during the night I had fallen onto the ground because now me and my fluffy green blanket were on the floor, I stretch my awkwardly long yet thin arms as I slowly yawn and try to stand up, still tired, I stand now stretching my legs and realizing my dorm mates had already went down for breakfast, I panic as I look at my clock as it says "8:46am" on the small screen, my dark brown eyes widen, in a panic I start putting on my black slacks, feeling uncomfortable as they're rather tight and not quite what I like in pants but it is the least of my problems at the moment

Right now my two biggest problems are 1 I don't want to miss breakfast and 2 Claire is most definitely going to be worried out of her mind. I quickly throw on a ravenclaw sweater that I for sure didn't steal from my dearest and best friend, Michele Anderson, we've been friends since our first year on the boats to the Hogwarts castle, I still remember being super sad that we weren't in the same house, but then again we were 11, I smile at the memory of meeting Michele.

I toss on my Emerald necklace and walk out of the slytherin dorms, into the common room, waving at the few slytherins that either weren't hungry or had finished their food early.

Im now in the great hall and I sit down next to my friend, Henrietta, at the slytherin table, I watch as I see a very familiar short third year brunette hufflepuff stomping up to me and Etta, the younger girl looks worried sick, she also seems to examining my face and arms, they sigh as they notice I'm not even wearing my own sweater, "oh merlin, Eugene, late for breakfast and wearing Micheles sweater?? Do you even know how worried I was?? What if you DIED or something worse??" She says this anxiously and fast, I hear Henrietta chuckle next to me which causes Claire to give her a death glare, I also chuckle softly and quietly and tell her, "Clar, I appreciate your, errrr, concern, but I'm fine, you're acting like you're my mother", I see her pout as if she's a three year old, I chuckle and they roll their eyes and say, now more calmly and less anxiously but her voice always has a rather nervous tone to it " whatever, sooooo, are you two excited for Hogsmeade?"

"uhhhh, fuck yeah, I always am!" I hear Henrietta's beaming voice from my side, I smile at the girls but I start to realize the stares from a handful of other slytherin students which is starting to make me a bit uncomfortable but they soon turn their heads away as our conversation gets quieter, "so, what are we going to do?" I ask, trying to make my voice quieter even though I rarely do be quiet but I really don't like the attention we're getting from just talking, they notice and also act more chill especially Claire.

We talk and talk, not paying attention to the food by this point, breakfast is over and we're now going to the girls slytherin dorm, sneaking in claire with us into the dorm

As we're walking there a familiar face comes up to the three of us, its no other than my best friend ever, Michele, she comes up to us and hugs me and fist bumps Henrietta and Claire, I swear I could see claire blushing a bit when seeing Ella but I brush it off even though Henrietta is lightly teasing her about it which causes Claire to lightly smack her hand in annoyance.

"guys! Guess what!" The ravenclaw girl says excitedly

i hear Henrietta sigh next to me "what is it...?" Claire asks with a dopey smile on her face that she only gets around Michele although she still sounds a bit confused

"some Gryffindor boy gave me 4 tickets to a Hogwarts Trainwreck concert! Apparently the dudes friends are pretty flaky" Michele says, sounding excited as hell to go to the concert with us and obviously we all are excited

We all agree and I can't even see my own face but I know for a fact I probably have the most excited face out of everyone

NEXT CHAPTER WILL BE OUT SOON

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selsbrainfarts · 5 months

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Once again I'm sitting here, like any other evening since the last few weeks.

My mind is racing but empty at the same time.

I feel like theres cotton balls in my skull.

I dont know what to feel anymore.

Is it emptyness?

Solitude?

Grief?

Anger?

Or just a combination of it all, overwhelming me beyong sanity?

I guess thats the one.

I dont know what everything always has to happen at the same time, but it always does.

And every time I wish I could just escape this shithole of a planet.

Escape my fate.

But no matter how far I'd run, it will always be there.

I dont have any solution to this all.

I can just wait and try to numb myself on the weekends.

Yet the numbing never happens, no matter how sensless I drink myself, it donesnt go away.

I need distraction from my private life, yet work is just as crippling as the rest.

It seems like its always me, messing up, being involved, takeing the brunt of anger from everybody.

I know I'm a waste of space, I know I'm slow, I know I'm lazy, I know I'm dumb.

I'm ugly, I'm fat, I'm disgusting.

I know.

I try to just avoid everybody because my heart cant take any more at the moment, but everybody seems to follow me just to take their anger out on me.

The problems I have just keep piling up, I dont even know what to work on first.

I want to visit grandma everyday, i know she doesnt want to die alone, but I cant bare it.

I love her so much and I owe it to her but my heart feels like it tearing out of my ribcage.

Grandpa believes he will die before her and the thought pulls the floor from under me.

I know he has had a lot of health issues lately but I didnt think...

They are my world, my safe place.

I cant bare to think about losing them.

Not so close together, not now, not ever.

But its part of life.

I know.

And all things that would usually distract me from that pain just pain me even more.

Because everything needs to happen at once.

I used to seek comfort in my animals.

But my bunny died this summer and my cat now has dementia and hates me all of a sudden.

Its rare she wants me near her.

I used to talk to my friends, I still do but I cant talk honestly.

Not sober.

And even drunk, its not the whole truth.

Because I dont want to burden anybody when they have just as many problems.

And then I find myself, sitting in the cold rain, listening to them and feeling my heart rip even more.

The words want to come out.

But I wont let them slip.

Pathetically enough, I'm still in love with him.

Despite receiving no interest shown towards me.

Despite him showing clearly how utterly stupid he finds me.

Despite not having exchanged a single word for almost 5 months now.

Despite being told and knowing it would never work.

He likes pretty girls, and I am not that.

He was in love with my best friend and she is the polar opposite of me in terms of appearence.

Its so pathetic but thats quite fitting for me.

I'm stuck in this feeling.

Wishing he'd be here, hug me close and just tell everything will be ok.

But it wont happen.

My mom is as bad as always, makeing me feel awful whenever she can.

Makeing fun of my feelings, destroying my comfidence day by day.

Reminding me that I'm not enough for her.

And I know when she is feeling low again and is deep in her manic depression, I will be the one caring for her.

But whenever I'm low or sick, I get even more attacked and hurt by her.

Because I cant do everything she wants me to.

And my dad?

He was honest to me, confessing he had a mental breakdown or even suffers from burnout.

Because even the one person in my life I counted on, knew was strong crumbles at some point.

The approaching death of my grandma pulls him back to 10 years agon, when his mother died.

And thats what broke the great wall of built up feelings and trauma.

I cant bare to see him so empty, broken and hopeless.

I want to help him so badly, but how does one help another when they cannot even help themselfes?

#diary #thoughts #typingmyfeelingsaway

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