#and then that inevitable disappointment hurts in a different way bc you know it comes from genuine love

[daz4i]

a bit insane to know there's people out there who think i'm hot shit tbh. you know i'm a pathetic cringefail loser who literally can't do anything, right?? please raise your standards 😔💔

#had a meeting with my mentor/guide/man i really gotta figure out some english word for her today #and basically unprompted she brought up that like. she thinks i'm amazing for having goals and working to get them #which i was honestly baffled by bc. i don't do anything 👍 #my past self sets shit up for me to regret later bc i hate doing stuff. that's it #never heard anyone describe me as ambitious but in her eyes that's like a defining trait of mine #i'm highkey worried i'm gonna disappoint her 😭 and. everyone else. #my method is usually to do the bare minimum so no one develops any expectations #and that way they're always surprised when i do more #unfortunately this plan falls flat bc for some reason ppl keep having expectations of me #not ill intentioned ones. idk if that's the words. ig they're more like hopes? #like they hope i'll do more they hope i'll be better. not for themselves but for me #and then that inevitable disappointment hurts in a different way bc you know it comes from genuine love #i can't even be mad in that case 😭 like what are their expectations of me. for me to be happy?? #(honestly in that case i AM angry you should def drop that that's literally impossible 👍) #ok now i'm rambling. sorry. ig this conversation fucked me up a bit bc i've been real stressed since #vent #kinda??????? #ask to tag

[pumpkinstrawbrew]

How do you think Bruce and John's relationship dynamics look from Bruce's side? How did he first realize that he felt something for the Scarecrow? Does he feel remorse for kissing a man who is a criminal? Does he even consider John his boyfriend? And if so, how does he feel at the next gas attack on the city and at the next departure of John to Arkham?

well….

i’ll begin with saying, that bruce is destined to be miserable in my book. always. he cannot have it easy. i love how often he *canonically even* attracted to villains/morally grey people, an’ how it inevitably tends to clash with his hero codex an’ general worldview. that’s a pretty painful existence, really! the amount of ‘self-inflicted’ emotional/mental damage, that some heroes tend to put onto their own shoulders is honestly a wonderment of its own right. 

so naturally, when it comes to matters of the heart, someone like batman just cannot have it in a way, where it would ‘work out’. i feel like bruce’s an' selina’s relationships are a prime example of that. aka how he digs ‘bad’ kind of people, even if he knows that it most likely won’t ever amount to any sort of ‘sweet’, domesticated fantasy, that he might be wishing for. an' the thing with bruce is that he’s not dumb, he gets it. even if at first, he tries to deny it, attemtping to seek ways around it, in the end, he has to deal with the fact, that it is what it is. so i think, that at his core, bruce is always going to be conflicted about his ‘taste’, even if it does make hella lot of sense, takin’ in his history. in short, batman having a preference, that would actively make him cucked even from an ounce of normalincy is precious to me. 

with this in mind, the dynamic that bruce has with crane is a mixed bag, esp bc he can have slightly different relationships with scarecrow, depending on who he is at the moment. batman or billionaire play-boy. an’ depending on who he is dealing with, crane can also be bolder, more vicious, or actually, meeker an’ less aggressive. like, bruce wayne won’t put his scrawny ass in the dirt, bc it would blow his cover. meanwhile, the bat cannot be too forgiving with jonathan, bc he’s a hero, so it’s almost a rare chance to see how he can influence jon from both sides of the spectrum. an’ it also can show him more sides of jonathan too, considering that in most set-ups *including the ones that i have for them* crane is unaware, that batman an’ bruce are the same man lol. also, it would be nice for bruce to finally have a villain, who isn't specifically in love only with the batman aspect of him.

i mean, it’s kinda given that jonathan doesn’t fully bother with ‘unmasking’ the bat, bc he doesn’t really care who he is. it’s still be batman to him. therefore usually, i don’t picture jonathan’s reaction to the reveal of the bat being bruce wayne to be hella emotional *like in plots, where they’re just enemies*. he prob just be like ‘oh, this kinda makes sense, yeah’. everyone else be bitchy about it, bc how can their batman be some playboy, jock dude lol. jon won't be like that, since he doesn't separate the bat from the man beneath the mask. at least, not to the level where he wants them separated or won't stand those both halves existing at the same time. that’s why the scarecrow is the true one. he’s so needy an’ greedy, that he’d be happy to have both sides of a big bad bat. but back to the main point, i feel like bruce kinda always carries a sentiment of ‘i have to stop you bc it’s my job’, but also ‘i want to believe that you can better yourself’. an’ in cases, like crane’s, batman prob also wants it for jon’s own sake too, considering how often he ends up accidentally hurting or damaging himself.

n’ i feel like it would be even more painful an’ disappointing, if jonathan would still keep up his scarecrow act, while they had smth goin’ on. but such is the nature of jon’s emotions. they’re destructive, when negative an’ there is no reason to assume like his love would differ from his obsession. from how he usually perverse things, it's all the same to him. in a way, bruce be ready for that. he must expect jon’s feeling for him to be feverish an’ kinda extreme' no matter, if said feeling is ‘positive’ or not. i also cannot see jonathan *even if he’s not a scarecrow in some timeline* being normal about batman or bruce, bc he has no idea how to be ‘normal’ about anythin’ lol. bruce is more balanced in comparison, but he also has that odd bit, where he is sometimes more sympathetic to his rogues, than he is to their hostages. in crane’s case, it literally happened at least twice. he nearly killed people, but bruce was like ‘it’s awful that this happen to you, but you kinda deserved it tho’, making the victims pretty confused as to why the bat was more understanding toward his rogue straw-goblin, than toward them. an’ i don’t think, that bruce even always realises that he plays favourites an’ how it looks from the side. so i can’t say, that ‘remorse’ is the right word for what he will feel, if he kisses jon an’ makes out with' him, fully knowing that he’s not a good person. it’s more of a….grief, perhaps? disappointment in himself, mourning for all destroyed lives *jon’s included*, but also umbrage, that he cannot control it or make jonathan stop, unless jon will somehow find it in himself to stop. which is almost impossible. but at the same time, no matter how furious the bat is with the scarecrow, i love how bruce *in older media, at least* cannot bring himself to give up on him. 

in general, bruce’s view on crane is an interesting matter. to some extent, he pities him, but he also seems to get angry with him pretty often too. an’ for a good reason, esp since the bat clearly views jon’s intelligence as an admirable thing, but thinks that it’s a true shame how he uses it or for what, rather. this sentiment doesn’t apply only toward crane, of course. a lot of batman's rogues could have done smth good with their talents/knowledge/hacks if they applied it elsewhere. but i feel like on some level, bruce has an easier time ‘relating’ to jonathan, than to some of his other villains. there are dozens of parallels, that they share, but they also have so many things, that make them a great fuel to one another too, both as bruce wayne / jonathan crane an’ as batman / scarecrow. jon is essentially, one of batman’s most twisted reflections. so idk if he will ever like, openly think of crane as his bf, since it almost feels dishonest to call him this. he’s more of ‘the worst half’ an’ bashert in one. but i feel like people would tauntingly, jokingly call scarecrow’s bat’s bf or even gf. bullock surely would have, haha. but like generally, the villains an’ heroes alike tend to be overdramatic about their relationships with one another. their inner monologues are pretty funny bc of that too. like, they’d be in the middle of the fight with said enemy-lover, an’ randomly think of some well-articulated, poetic line, as if they sat their ass down to write it in a personal diary lol. bruce thinking about jon’s ‘awkward grace’ an’ long legs won’t ever be unfunny to me, even if it wasn’t written in a suggestive way.

anyways, i think that all of the above *besides the last part* prob also sums up how i feel batman reacting to jonathan being, well, himself. bruce would expect it. an’ it would sting more, for sure, but i don’t think, that there is any non-nuanced scenario, where batman would for example, just let jon go, bc they’re lovers now. he might be a bit more ‘forgiving’ to scientist aspect of jonathan’s worldview, but it won’t mean, that he’d agree with ‘end justifies the means’ kind of approach, bc he doesn’t want innocent to be harmed / suffer. he also against killing / death, no matter who the target is n’ whatever they ‘deserve’ it or not. they won’t ever see eye to eye on that. but if batman / bruce’s presence in jon’s life will be extended, an’ if he would try to make very little compromises, then maybe, eventually jonathan can be a bit less dangerous for others *an’ himself*. or maybe, he would somehow find a way to make batman ‘worse’. make him join the club, so to speak lol. 

like, when people think about the ‘enemies to lovers’ trope, i’ve noticed, that often one side of the ship does a 180 turn, an’ becomes somewhat okay with whatever they were not okay with beforehand. for me, it’s more of a stalemate of sorts. like each side might make some compromises or close their eyes on smth, but not be at peace with it. if we picture crane as suddenly rehabilitated, it’s won’t change the fact, that most versions of him had killed / mentally tortured people. an’ he might or can potentially do this again, even if ‘for a good reason’ this time.

the love can change a lot of things for them, but at the same time, it won’t change certain things at all. i don’t believe that love / deep feelings can cure jonathan’s mental illness. if anything, it would prob only complicate things. since sure, it might make him a bit more mindful about idk accidentally killing someone, bc it makes the bat upset. he might try to be more cautious, but not bc he suddenly cares about lost lives, but only bc batman does. it might be a bit better, than him not givin' a shit at all, but jonathan still be a sociopath, that only kinda cherishes how that one person views him, an’ it'll be the only reason why he would tone smth down. if bruce be like ‘okay, that’s not what i wanted, but i can try to make it work’. i suppose, it might be considered as jon slightly corrupting him as well. besides, bruce will have to pay a lot of attention to him, to keep jonathan in line. gotta like dom him everyday an’ such, just so that he’d be less vicious lol.

#❓ #it took me ages to reply to this so sorry #batcrow

[marinetteplztakeabreak]

ML Lies Episode Predictions:

There’s Two?? (don’t trust my math) more days before lies completely destroys me, so I’m going to make some predictions, and by predictions I mean wishlist. My walls are already up, so if none of these happen I won’t be disappointed, but also a girl can dream: (this is somehow 1700 entire words long because I have a lot of feelings, so it’s under a cut, you’re welcome)

—Adrien and Kagami’s are secretly dating: please I want it so bad, I’ve talked about this so much and emotionally I need it!! At the very least I want them to sneak out together so so bad I’d cry. But also, if they’re hiding it from their other friends for whatever reason, thats SUCH good angst potential.

—If we get to see some kinda montage of them sneaking out??? Id ride that high for months. Even just one actual example of them working together to sneak out would obliterate me. Like, how it shows Kagami sneaking out to go to the game in Ikari Gozen?? I’d cry

—The breakup happens as a direct result of it being a secret relationship: this would be SUCH a good parallel to lukanette. Lukanette broke up because Luka wanted Marinette to be more open with him and he hated being in the dark, so just, the parallels if Adrien wants to be more open about adrimi and Kagami is like “you dont understand, if your dad finds out about us he will end this immediately” but Adrien wants to believe that its going to be okay and no one will react badly? I’m probably explaining this badly and I’ll try to explain it better later I just,,, want parallels and opposites and truth v lies and hhhhh

—Fencing??? Friendly/ affectionate competition??? Them being idiot jocks in love??? Please??? I want to see them compete!!

—I’d love to see Kagami character growth + Adrimi relationship development!!! I want her to love herself more and be more comfortable around him!!!

—Specifically, if there was a parallel to Riposte,, and Adrien beat Kagami in a fencing match and Kagami was like “Oh nice!! :D good game!” I’d be so happy I’d cry!! And it’s kinda implied by Chat Blanc that they’re already there in there relationship?? But not confirmed?? So if I saw it or saw confirmation of it I’d cry!!

—in one of the released photos it looked like they were holding hands??? And at this point my expectations are so low I don’t even trust it yet but blease,,, let them hold hands,, i’d cry of joy

—If Adrien is also constantly leaving and disappearing due to akuma responsibilities, I want it to read SUPER differently from the Lukanette because I love parallels/foils!! Marinette disappears on her dates with Luka and its just “oh marinette is really distracted and busy and frazzled” but I dont think Adrimi but be loke that at all!!! Because as far as Kagami knows, she has the same backstory/current story as Adrien. She’s risking a lot by sneaking out to go on dates with him?? So Adrien seeing an akuma and being like “oh sorry father is calling” isnt even suspicious or anything??? Its 100% believable!!! If her mother called she’d immediately be like “oh fricking heck i Need To Leave this instant immediately.” So its less “Adrien doesnt care about her” and more of just twisting the knife and reminding her that life doesnt want them to be together and Adrien is never going to be free!!! Big ouch to her heart!!!

—also I want!!!! Them!!! To talk about their feelings!!! Because parallels to truth!!! Adrien is like “sorry I have to go” and Kagami is like “oh I hate that so much” and Adrien is like “big same.” (Also idk how realistic this is but I’d love it if ‘Kagami talking about her feelings’ wasn’t the cause of strife in their relationship!! Like, she talks about how she feels and when she’s upset and Adrien is like “yeah me too” and they’re just,, good bros)

—I need them to stay friends after the breakup, i need it i need it i need it!!! And the whole issue is!! I feel like the main reason they’d date is to try and hang out more?!?? So if the breakup was actually them talking to each other and being like “hey so this isnt working with sneaking out, we’re going to need to go back to the way it was before,” rather than them saying they were bad for each other???? Hoo boy i’d lose my mind

—Also!!! My favorite prediction, I’d die of joy if this happened (and also of angst). I want there to be so much drama with “secret relatinship” stuff that they try to fix it by going public with their relationship!! Very low chance of this actually happening but its okay if it doesnt, thats what the fanfiction I’m inevitably going to write immediately after watching the episode is for!!! But anyway,, multiple ways this could happen.

Maybe they’ve been secretly dating since Miracle Queen and they decide to go public at the beginning of this episode and that’s the primary source of plot/conflcit!!! I’d be thrilled!!!

BUT!!! if the episode ends with then Not Breaking Up, but instead deciding to go from dating secretly to dating publicly???? Holy Freaking Heck,,, I’d go feral with emotion!!!! I also need to expand on this so much more but basic rundown of how I imagine it could happen (again: Is it likely?? Probably not! but this is my last chance to dream):

Kagami is like “listen we have the same backstory and I KNOW in my soul that this relationship wouldn’t work if it was public”

Adrien is like “okay yeah I feel you, thats fair”

Kagami goes on dates with Adrien and its fun and nice and lovely and the honeymoon phase is so good and exciting

Adrien starts disappearing a lot, partly because of akuma attacks, but partly because of nathalie and gabe calling him constantly

Adrien starts to be like “well actually i think that my dad does care about me probably? And if he knew why I wanted to go he’d let me! Or at least Nathalie would because clearly she cares about me!”

Kagami is like “hhhnngg have you met them?? You think they’d want you to be happy and free??” Except she can’t just SAY that because if she did then she’d be crushing Adrien’s entire heart and possibly also making him get really defensive and he has to come to the conclusion that his parents are good on his own

Kagami also starts to get frustrated with how much more often Adrien has to leave than she does?? And its because of akuma attacks but she doesnt know that and he cant tell her

Adrien starts to get frustrated because he can take the “having to leave for akuma attacks” part but when he finally finishes an akuma battle and Natalie immediately calls him it is just aaaaaAAAAAAAA and he just wants to believe so badly that he could at least take control of that part??? He could at least get Nathalie to help him out??? Probably maybe right???

Because we all know he HATES having to keep secrets from Ladybug, but he’ll do it for her, and he’ll keep his life as Chat a secret, but Kagami??? He should at least be able to talk about that, right?? He’s not doing anything bad/dangerous/etc

Also there could very well be some angst with Adrien being so so worried about Nathalie because she’s bedridden and his dad is being sketchy and he’s SEEN this before and he doesn’t want to be avoiding Natalie or lying to her because what if he loses her too??? He’d feel so guilty! And he needs the support of a parent figure so much,,, so he HAS to tell her the truth

But he respects Kagami’s wishes and he’s not going to betray her trust

But unlike Lukanette, they DO talk about their feelings and they disagree and stuff, and even if he’s trying not to be confrontational, Kagami is like “i can tell youre uncomfortable about something, please just tell me what it is” so he tells her that he disagrees

Kagami gets akumatized?? idk if it’s even been confirmed that she’s the akuma “Lies” but I’d assume she is because parallels to Lukanette

Maybe it happens as a direct result of some moment where Kagami and Adrien are arguing and in the heat of the moment he says something hurtful??

Maybe they’re arguing and then Adrien has to leave before it can resolve and Kagami is mad about it even though shes trying not to be and she gets akumatized???

Maybe she does say something like “bc your dad sucks and nathalie sucks!” and he yells or something (i want to see Adrien yell and be flawed let me live, and this is one of the most likely scenerios for it to happen bc it would HURT for him)

Maybe Kagami shoots back with anger, maybe Adrien’s been calm but Kagami gets mean for a moment, but regardless, Kagami says something about her true feelings of anger at nathalie/gabe/ etc and before Adrien can respond he’s like “oh shoot sorry I need to get home NOW”

Then for one brief second Kagami’s TERRIFIED that he’s going to tell nathalie about this in his anger and then nathalie’s going to be like “oh kagami is clearly bad for you because she made u this upset” and Adrien will LISTEN because hes stupid and he still listens to his horrible adult figures and Kagami is so mad about the entire situation so then in her moment of weakness she gets akumatized

Look at that its a direct opposite of Lukanette because Luka was afraid of Marinette keeping secrets about why she’s always vanishing because he doesnt know and Kagami is afraid of Adrien telling secrets about why HEs always vanishing bc she thinks she does know,,

But anyway, after she gets de-akumatized, she’s so ashamed of it and she can see how far she took it and how many people it hurt,, and Adrien is really sad and apologetic and trying to support her,, and she’s like “no clearly I was actually wrong, keeping this a secret is hurting you and its hurting me and now its hurting random civilians”

So she tells Adrien that they should tell people about it and stop dating in secret

And then multiple possible ending:

Does he say “actually no, youre right, they wouldnt let this happen, so if we cant date in public and dating in secret is hurting us then we shouldnt date at all” and thats how the breakup goes??? That would literally obliterate me

Does the episode end on a false positive where Adrien hasnt told them yet and he is like “yeah this is gonna be great” and there isnt an actual breakup yet?? Because that would also kill me (even though i doubt theyre going to let adrimi take up that much time in the show but, let me dream)

Also if Adrien is like “we shouldnt tell my parents but we should tell someone” and then they tell Marinette and now shes got ANOTHER secret to keep and aaaaaaaAAAAA?? Id die on the spot

I’m still holding out hope that the episode will give me enough crumbs to at least be able to write this better, but regardless of what happens in the episode,,, the chances of me eventually writing fanfiction exploring this are SO HIGH, I’ve been thinking about this for ages

In conclusion:

—no matter what happens in lies, its going to destroy me

—please let them be in a secret relationship it makes so much sense for their characters and for the drama and aaaaAAAAA

—also please give me the parallels to lukanette where their issues are exactly the opposite and it still falls apart

Thank you for your time, I’ll be excitedly vibrating at the speed of sound for the next two days until we get answers!! Depending on how the episode goes, I’ll either be writing so much adrimi fluff to recover,, so much adrimi angst to vent,, or I’ll be staring at the ceiling screaming for a few days as I post nothing but keysmashes and try to sort through my emotions :)

#lies #ml lies #miraculous ladybug #adrien agreste #kagami tsurugi #ml spoilers #ml leaks #those are both super minor but i just want yo guve fair warning #ml theories #adrimi #adrigami #predictions #ml #long post #angst

[firelxdykatara]

bumbleby and kataang for the honest ship ask??

MONA PLEASE DO YOU REALLY WANT ME TO DIE -sobs-

I already answered kataang here and was pretty thorough, but one extra thing I will say is that I absolutely hate it when the response to someone not liking kataang or thinking they shouldn't have ended up together is 'but what about Aang? he'd be so hurt!' like... so?

I mean that genuinely. So what? He was a twelve, maybe thirteen-year-old kid by the end of the series. He'd get over it and move on and be just fine if his childhood puppylove crush didn't like him back and wound up dating someone else. 'But what about the cloudbabies???' Do y'all think Katara's the only woman on the planet???? I promise you, Aang would be able to have kids with anyone else if he grew up and fell in love with someone who could bear them--and considering that Tenzin didn't look anything at all like Katara, he and his airbending kids could easily have come from Aang's relationship to literally anyone else.

But also, like, heaven forbid I focus on Katara's feelings and what she'd get out of a romantic relationship without thinking about how much that might hurt her canon boyfriend. Who cares? This ain't about him. He could easily move on and find someone else, that's not the issue here. The issue is Katara. Focus on her, please.

Bumbleby:

Ohhh boy you really wanna stick me in hot water huh kdljfghkdjfhg OK BUT LIKE. REALTALK. At the end of the day, there's just... nothing there.

I know there's meant to be, and I know it's supposed to be a big deal that Yang lost her arm protecting Blake and then Blake ran away and then Blake came back and all of that, but like... it's really not reflected in their relationship at all. They don't talk about anything they went through. They get a couple moments in v6 (but no real conversation), they get Blake promising to never leave again (which is not even remotely a healthy mindset for beginning a relationship, especially when we see the fallout of that declaration--indirectly, because of course these characters never actually talk about anything important--in v8) without ever actually discussing why she left in the first place or why Yang was so hurt by it, then they kill a man together in the v6 finale and never talk about that (and this isn't me saying he didn't deserve it, this is me saying that I don't care what kind of wretched son of a bitch someone might be, killing another human being is traumatic and will have an affect on you, and the fact that Blake and Yang never fucking talk about or work through that trauma is.... very bad), and that was it for v6.

Then in v7, aside from superficial nonsense about going out dancing instead of to a political rally bc I guess Blake doesn't really care about Faunus Rights anymore, Blake follows Yang's lead and lies to everyone about the Robyn situation which leads to even more bad shit happening when Ironwood figures out what they'd done, and then in v8 you have the most bland argument ever between Yang and Ruby and Blake seeming to be ashamed when they reunite (as if she thought Yang would be disappointed in or angry with her for.... going with one half of the group to accomplish a goal???? yeah ok sure that makes sense), and like................that's it

There's nothing else to their relationship. There really is no relationship to speak of, and the fact that the shippers have said 'bees are definitely gonna kiss this episode for sure! they're super canon and are gonna show it!' every single episode for two volumes straight now is a testament to that. And you could maybe say 'you don't need a kiss to show a ship is canon' except that RWBY has said that you do. The only canon romantic relationships between main cast members have been confirmed via liplock--Arkos in v3, and Renora (whom a lot of people assumed had already been together-together by like v5) in v7. Other couples/feelings among the side characters have at the least been confirmed via dialogue--the Cotta-Arcs, Ilia's one-sided feelings for Blake, etc. In absence of a verbal declaration, the only way we have to know that two characters are a couple is kissing.

And if that's not the case, and we come to find out later on that Blake and Yang have been in a relationship this whole time, then that means that the one singular same-gender relationship among the mains is being treated differently (no kiss and no verbal declaration of a relationship) than the different-gender relationships, and that is, itself, a whole other level of Not Great.

Ultimately, though, I think what bothers me most about Bumbleby is that so much of it relies on like... color-coding, vague allusions, hand-holding and forehead-touching (all of which we already had two volumes ago) and not much else, which makes it seem like the show is just stringing along the audience, knowing they will keep tuning in waiting for the couple's inevitable canonization without having to actually commit any resources to developing or exploring their relationship. People keep calling bumbleby a 'slowburn', but the thing is that nothing is burning anymore. They are in the exact same place in v8 that they were at the end of v6. That's not a slowburn anymore, that's a holding pattern, and literally nothing has changed! Let them just fucking kiss for the love of all that is holy and put the rest of us out of our misery, please.

send me a ship and get my (brutally) honest opinion!

#atla #anti kataang #kataang salt #rwby #anti bumbleby #bumbleby salt #my followers want to kill me sobs #salt for ts #becauseihaveyou #asked #ask meme

[carinyms]

(I don’t know if anyone who follows me even watches Loki, but if you do and feel compelled to analyze it with someone please hmu, because no one I personally know cares about this show and listen I care SO MUCH)

Anyway, here’s an extremely disjointed thought dump on episode three, it’s a lot :)

1. I got so much serotonin from them playing that Hayley Kiyoko song over the opening credits, oh my god.

2. I love Sylvie, I LOVE her. Just an iconic badass—so snarky, so powerful. 10/10. (When she took that cape off?? That outfit?? This whole show is just Bi Panic for me) I’m sure they’re setting her up to be very sympathetic and then she will inevitably stab Loki in the back at some point, and you know what that’s fine.

3. Their screen chemistry and banter is incredible, nearly on the same level as the scenes with Mobius and Loki. (Which is good bc speaking of which, I miss Owen Wilson). I can’t wait till we get a scene with all three of them working together, it will be fantastic.

4. God, I want to see Loki truly in full power just annihilate someone in a fight just once. I do think it’s purposeful that we’re not seeing that right now — the writers can’t seriously think the audience collectively forgot that this guy took down 5 (6?) dark elves with his hands bound and now he can’t throw a knife and hit a target that's not even moving?? There has to be a reason. I’m choosing to have faith in Kate Herron here. (But I’m tired of seeing him getting tossed around like a sack of potatoes :( )

5. I think Sylvie explaining how to enchant someone has to be foreshadowing, right? By the end of the series, either Loki will have puzzled out how to do it and tap into Sylvie’s mind, or vise versa, Sylvie will get into Loki’s head an unearth something nasty (This is SO dumb of me to hope for, I’m setting myself up for disappointment, but maybe Thanos memories here?? I’m really going full fanfic narrative with this one lol but wow can you imagine.)

6. Or, Loki will use this tactic to get into Mobius’ head and wake him up to the truth. (Also, can we talk about how concerned he was when he was like, ‘But the TVA workers don’t know they’re variants!!” Loki you little SOFTIE. Headcanon that he’s now not gonna want to hurt any of the TVA workers because they’re all brainwashed and our guy knows a thing or two about that?? BEGGING the show to acknowledge this. (Please, could we have a little bit of recognition of trauma Marvel? As a treat?)

(I will be let down lol)

7. Speaking of the brainwashed TVA workers, I have questions about how this works. Mobius remembers jet skis, but Casey didn’t know what a fish was? Is it just because Casey doesn’t work in the field? Does Mobius just have a stronger mind that Ravonna has to keep continuously wiping because he remembers snippets? That would explain the multiple water rings on her table they drew attention to— but why would the TVA let him have that magazine if they didn’t want their agents remembering anything??

8. Also, uhh…Is Ravonna a timekeeper? This is a theory that keeps popping up for me.

9. Loki and Sylvie’s conversation on the train was wonderful.

10. We LOVE a confirmed Bicon.

11. Him talking about and remembering Frigga, and his viewpoint on love feels like lines out of a fanfic come to life and I love it. Part of me is like “this level of vulnerability feels OOC” (and don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of other things that felt truly OOC) but this particular aspect feels more like we’re seeing a more apathetic, carefree, nihilistic version of Loki than we’ve ever seen, so maybe he’s just given up on the masks? Anyhow, I love this side of his character we’re seeing.

12. Loki singing in Norwegian. That is all.

12.2 Actually no, that’s not all. It had such ‘Aragorn singing at his coronation vibes’, in that it both caught me extremely off-guard and got me very emotional. Apparently the lyrics (someone translated) are all about missing home, and wow he’s really just missing his family and a sense of belonging *so much* that he’s chosen to recreate what I’d imagine an Asgardian party was like — getting drunk (although he clearly wasn’t drunk, just acting drunk), singing asgardian songs, smashing the glass on the ground and saying “Another!” (Which we can now assume was just an asgardian custom at parties bc how would he have known Thor did that?) Someone pointed out the planet that they’re on is called Lamentis, and dang this whole episode is all about Loki grieving and longing for what he’s lost? and I’m so hyped for when they end up in Asgard again. I don’t know what will happen but there will be Angst and tears, perfect recipe for a good time.

13. Speaking of Thor, is he going to tell Sylvie about him at some point? Because I will cry. Like, I guarantee it.

14. My only gripe here is that drunk Loki was giving me big Jack Sparrow energy towards the very end and I am Not About That

15. Why does Sylvie understand Norwegian?? This song meant something to her too, clearly, she was getting teary eyed, like it was something she was familiar with and I just have so many questions about how her timeline was different/similar.

16. And going off that, I’m just going to say it—I DON’T UNDERSTAND HOW VARIANTS WORK. Because if a variant is created by someone branching from their ‘true path’, wouldn’t every variant have the same base-story? Thus all look the same, have a similar past? (The same parents, the same origin?) I know the TVA’s sacred-timeline thing is all BS, that much is obvious—and Sylvie’s history is making me wonder (that is, if she truly IS a Loki ‘variant’), is the TVA’s description of branched timelines really accurate at all, or are some variants from a fully alternate reality overlapping with this one? I’m trusting they will make this make more sense.

17. I love the moments of humanity we’re getting from Loki, but especially the one where he’s surveying all those people in the town and goes “they’re gonna let these people die…” Like, what a great comparison to Loki in Ragnarok, who goes back and rescues his people because he couldn’t let them die in good conscious when he could do something about it. I like to think that being raised as a prince, there is an inherent feeling of ‘rulers should look after their people” buried under everything, and that what was going through his head was “how could they abandon these people without thought?” I love that even though that was a different Loki, they’re showing (not just telling) that the core of him truly does care about people, and the person he developed into in the original franchise is still there.

18. Also that line perfectly sets up what I’m sure is going to happen in the next episode—that they’ll find a way to escape the planet and save the people (or some of them), which will create a branch and alert the TVA to where they are, thus Loki getting brought back in.

19. the Rolled Up Sleeves look is. mhmm. It’s Good.

20. LOKI CATCHING THAT WHOLE BUILDING WITH HIS MAGIC???? BYE

Alright I’m done now, this was so chaotic, but also I really just wanted to document my thoughts on the show for myself so it's fine

#really shouting into the void with this one #but you know what I spent like an hour trying to organize my thoughts (with mild success) so I'm gonna post it dammit #today is the day I stop being afraid of interacting with anyone on this website #(is it tho) #loki spoilers #loki series spoilers #my disaster son has a show

[janiedean]

Just seen a post like "y r reylos upset? they kissed. I have a ship where they don't even meet" and I was ready to go "I Don't Know How To Explain To You That knowingly shipping a crackship and seeing a ship that's been set up since the beginning get turned into some emotionally manipulative little trick by hacks who dgaf abt the characters and only want to cash in on every single part of the fandom are very different things." But I gave up. Not worth the effort.

it’s not, but... honestly?

this thing is... like... I don’t want to say mildly worrying me, but... it is. (beware the next post won’t probably make much sense but bear with me this thing isn’t sitting well with me lmao)

I mean, like, let’s get it out of the way that I didn’t care for reylo either way until tlj and post-tlj I was like ‘oh okay they’re definitely the romance of the trilogy fine sounds nice I’ll be here being happy for them when they inevitably kiss’, because it’s like.. star... wars. I mean. sw is like the one franchise that until five days ago I’d have cashed in on being the ONE thing that would always end up cheesy/hopeful/not disappointing you know, so... I didn’t even consider that there was another way it could end. because it’s goddamn sw, redemption stories with happy endings are the damned brand.

so like... the fact that the thing was obviously set up and they tore it to shreds along with everything else in the movie is bad. like, bad. but people who didn’t realize how fucking insulting it was just... don’t seem to get that the moment you go watch movies whose brand is making you feel better about things and they turn into calvinism central NO HAPPINESS ALLOWED and they don’t even do it with sense - bc rots made no fucking sense at any point ever and that’s outside reylo - it just... makes you feel betrayed? like, again: in 2015 when I came out of the cinema the only thing I banked on was poe dameron not dying and I couldn’t care either way about kylo ren, but like - tlj made me care. as it was supposed to be. I was supposed to care about kylo ren’s pull to the light and guess what I did because that movie wanted me to, and it wanted me to do 2+2 and realize that he and rey were soulmates and fine I was down with that because I like myself a nice love story.

and then like... you give it to me, like that, and the moment you have the character who has had a shitty life, has been groomed since he was born if not before by Worst Person In The Galaxy if the new canon wants me to buy that - or by snoke but it’s the same -, is an abuse victim and is 100% sure that everyone hates him and no one understands him or wants to understand him, you make that character related to one of the most iconic ones in the franchise to the point that you tried to make han every other member of the trio tbh, you actually have that character taking his life in his hands after talking to han and like embrace what he always wanted to be and show that he’s actually happy with it (like ffs guys it’s also probs because adam driver is an excellent actor but you can see the ben solo vs kylo ren difference in the span of five seconds, and you’re supposed to root for ben solo to win ffs), have him actually win, have him being happy for the first time in the entire canon and then you kill him a second later with rey in tears over it except that then we forget to give him a funeral........... like.......... sorry but I feel robbed because as lowkey as my effort on banking on ben solo’s redemption was because I was sure it was coming and I took it for granted it still felt like they were being unnecessarily cruel. like, they could have killed him in ten other ways that wouldn’t make you feel like someone stabbed you in the kidney as another anon put it. but no, let’s give people the prospect of HEY THEY’LL BE HAPPY just to tear it away from them ten seconds later. like, what the fuck? that’s not what anyone signed up for.

especially when the entire thing was obviously set up for the happy ending. like, if you actually misread the audience so much that you think star wars audience wants grimdark when it’s a movie marketed at children then you don’t deserve the money you’re most likely getting paid.

like, again: as someone who wasn’t even diehard reylo or whatever even if I absolutely shipped it, I felt like these assholes took my money and punched me in the kidney since rey palpatine was a thing and the moment he died I about screamed fuck you out loud... along with most of the entire room which was screaming fuck you, because guess what, not a single person in that room actually was banking on the ben solo redemption to fail and each single person in the room was clapping when they kissed because we were fucking waiting for it already, and like......... obviously ppl shipping it are upset. they were given an unsatisfactory movie up until then that didn’t give the characters justice but which could have still been more or less decent if it saved the spirit of the entire thing... which it didn’t because sw is not fucking calvinist central and hasn’t ever been until now. and then they were given canon after being the target of the vilest shit (guys seriously I unfollowed antireylo people way before shipping reylo myself bc that crap was out of line for shipping fictional stuff)... just to have them take it away by killing the one character that was there to show you that there’s always hope for you to do the right thing?

like, let’s be fucking real: the message is that if you fucked up and want to be better it won’t ever be enough because sorry but you’ll never get another good start and if you care about someone who fucked up and want to help them be better it’s wasted time because people who want to do better can’t actually live and have a chance to keep on doing it.

and sorry but fuck that message with a chainsaw. the beautiful thing about this ship imvho was that in tlj it made it overtly clear how rey helped him out of being a genuinely nice person who listened to someone who thought no one ever would and at the same time kylo/ben couldn’t believe that someone actually said that he wouldn’t be alone either bc the two of them are extremely lonely people and feel that acutely....... and they even threw in the soul bond to make it extra obvious. it was a hopeful story because you had girl who never had anyone who was also innately good who could put her prejudices aside to see that someone who also went dark side because he thought no one loved him and then kept on being abused his entire life actually had good inside them and wanted to help him see that instead of writing him off as a lost cause. like. that was a good romance. nothing exceedingly new under the sun, but in sw it was pretty fresh and a good spin compared to the two other main love stories of the trilogy. also, anakin/padme was what it was and han/leia was immensely better but hey someone decided to kill off the entire original trio so whatever... and if these two ended well they’d have been a constant improvement, never mind the symbolism - you had anakin who was a no one and married a space princess but ended up tragically because he went to the dark side and she could do nothing for him, then anakin’s daughter who was a space princess and married han who is also technically a no one since he didn’t even have a surname on his home planet, and if rey/ben had actually not.. had that ending you’d have closed the circle with space prince descended from both anakin and leia being brought back from the dark side with the help of another no one and finally the damned skywalker line would have gotten one 100% happy ending because it was supposed to be the ending.

like.

that’s something that thematically made so much sense I didn’t even think they wouldn’t do it.

and they did. and guess what of course people are pissed. because this movie about ignored themes, its own canon (from tfa and tlj) and didn’t accomplish one single thing except chewie getting his damned medal.

which, while something we all hoped would happen at some point, is hardly the one thing you should accomplish in a star wars movie supposed to end the goddamned cycle and which eventually ended up being prequel-level if not worse. because I mean, objectively I think the phantom menace was actually a better movie, and I would rewatch this over 2 and 3 just because the cgi in this movie didn’t hurt my eyes, but as bad as lucas got with the prequels, he never did a single character as dirty as disney did all the characters here. no, not even padme, and he did do padme dirty.

tldr: if people don’t get why you’d be pissed at how this movie ended idk what to tell them... but shit if it’s not worrying me that people apparently can’t get that it was a disaster on each single level it could have been. peace.

#reylo #ben solo #rey #tros spoilers for ts #janie writes meta #i guess #otp: you're not alone; neither are you #i... don't even know waht i'm saying here but i'm angry haha #star wars for ts #sw negativity #Anonymous #ask post

[lideria]

Second Nature. | Doyoung

Request: Ahah, this was not a request I just really like to make myself suffer sometimes. This is about a childhood best friend who returns after a long time.

Author’s Note: I have kind of had this storyline already and whenever I looked at Doyoung I thought he would fit into it so well. This is a scenario rather than an imagine, so it might not be fully relatable. Plus, I’m sorry if this hurts you.

Warnings: THIS IS SAD, not proofread bc I suck at it, very downbeat pov, mentions of alcohol consumption/intoxication, mentions of divorce, mentions of injury, lots of emphasis on loneliness, plus there is a dog in this story so if you’re scared of doggies/you’re a cat person, I apologize. English is my second language so there might be errors! Let me know if there is more please!

Word Count: 11664 too many words for my own good really

Genre: ANGST, fluff, childhoodfriends!au, bestfriends!au, friendstolovers!au (???), two surprise AUs that I cannot say for the sake of the story.

I hope you all enjoy! If that’s even possible! Because I felt emotionally drained just by writing it!

“Catch me if you can!”

You let out a loud laugh as you start sprinting at full speed. Your friend and neighbor Doyoung lets out a shriek before picking up his pace, both of you running through and inevitably, over the green grass of your shared garden that is scattered with white and yellow flowers all around. Parents look at your way as they take a sip of their coffee, smiling under the mug. “Don’t sweat too much, it gets chilly in the evening!” His mother shouts when the two of you run close by them. One of you answers okay, but you both cannot make out who it is because the caution only falls on deaf ears.

He catches you when you are running close to the fence, catching you by your shoulders and accidentally pulling your hair. “Ow!” He hisses along with you as you turn back. You are very clearly pissed of, which only alarms him a little further. “Doyoung! I told you to be careful with my hair— it’s longer than yours.”

“I didn’t do it intentionally! I’m sorry. You can pinch my arm so we’re even.” He sticks his arm out, his blue and grey bracelet hanging off loosely from his wrist. “No, but I want a cookie.”

He audibly gasps. “I only have 3 left!”

When you shrug, he sighs and heads inside their vacation home. It takes him a few minutes to go to the front of the house where their kitchen is and come back and by the time he’s back, he finds you sitting at the bottom of the fence. Your face brightens up when you see him and his mother’s cookies, inarguably the best dessert to come after your mother’s. He sits next to you and hands the treasure. You still notice the frown on his face. And you hate seeing him upset.

So, you break the cookie in half— an imperfect half. You get the smaller piece to yourself and hold out the bigger half for Doyoung to take. He smiles the Doyoung smile and takes it before stuffing it in his mouth.

It was a bright, sunny day. You had been at the beach ever since the morning, now late in the afternoon, with Doyoung and his family and yours. Having a sandwich for breakfast and a picnic for lunch and snacks, swimming every other second in between. Both Doyoung and you loved swimming in the aqua blue waters that would occasionally change colors to a deeper blue. More specifically jumping from the pier in what you claimed to be “athletic poses” that were, in reality, sad yet funny excuses for superhero jumps.

“I’m sorry to disappoint, honey, but I think Doyoung had that one.” Your father says when both of you climb up to the pier after your 7th jump, for the votes of your parents on who jumped better. “Yeah, I can’t jump quite as high. It’s because he plays volleyball,”  Doyoung snickers beside you with good intentions, but you still feel a little defeated. “It’s okay, you dive better than me.”

“That’s true, you suck at diving.” The realization of having said a bad word hits you both sooner than ever, and you both cover your mouths in surprise. He is smiling under his hand. You can tell because his eyes are squinting. His parents start laughing and Doyoung too lets go of the laughter he has been holding in. But of course, your parents do not look all that amused. “That’s another month before you get a pet.”

You switch to protest mode in an instant. “But it slipped from my mouth, I didn’t mean it!”

“Just because it slipped doesn’t mean it’s okay,” Your mother claims calmly, and you jump a little with frustration. “But—“

“Whining won’t get you closer to getting one.” Your father sternly adds. You stop immediately, rightfully kind of really upset. Everyone is silent until Doyoung pulls a little on your arm. You know what he means, so you let him drag you back towards the pier. Frustration stings at your eyes and Doyoung can sense it, so he nudges you a little. “Come on, don’t be sad. I’m sure a month will fly by.”

He does not receive any response, even though you argued there’s still at least a year internally. He kind of knew he would not be getting a response, because that is what you act like when you are upset. Seeing as you were, he crossed off the possibility of jumping off the pier with you for the time being. Instead he sat down at the end, dangling his legs, patting the spot next to him for you to sit. You follow his actions.

“Doyoung?” Your voice sounds like you were frowning. “Hm?” He does not look at you, because he does not like seeing people upset. “How is middle school? Is it fun?”

You were just going to be starting middle school, whereas he was going to begin his second year. As always he wanted to tell you the truth. Considering your mood, though, that might have not been the best idea. So he did not. “It is! Plenty of good friends,” Which was not necessarily a lie, but it definitely was not how it went for a lot of people. He feared you would be one of them, as you had a tendency to make friends with everyone and that was not how socializing went in middle school. But for all he knew, everything could be different and you could have an amazing middle school experience. “After school activities are really fun as well.” That definitely was not a lie. Doyoung loved volleyball. “I can’t wait to go back.”

“I’ll swim. That makes me happy.” And it must for real, because he hears the excitement in your voice.

He grins. “Then go for it.”

With that, Doyoung pushes you off the edge. Although surprised, you suspected he would do that subconsciously as he had a habit of pushing people into the water when they have just dried off to entertain himself— a rather evil habit that everyone hates. For payback you splash him with water. He splashes you back as if it would do anything, and you splash him again while calling him another bad word that your parents luckily would not be able to hear and soon enough, it turns into a splash fight.

It was the first day of Doyoung and his family’s arrival that year. You woke up feeling excited, because your best friend was finally here after a whole 5 days of waiting after your own arrival to the summer house. So you ran out to the garden right after breakfast, more than ready to see your friend.

Instead, you were not ready to see him all that much. At least not with his arm in a cast.

You go up to hug him as usual, and he mutters a low, disappointed “Hi.” In return, you give him a much brighter greeting in hopes of bringing his mood up. It does not work.

The day goes on. Both your families and you have a shared lunch, catching up on the previous 9 months they had not seen each other. Their moods are much higher than Doyoung’s and yours. His mood had made you inevitably moody as well. He was not up to play, he was not up to go to the beach, he was not up to go to the grove… It felt like he did not want to do anything. But it was summer. Not the time to be sulking around, even if his arm was in a cast.

Then came an idea.

There was a patch of young olive trees planted near your houses. They were only around the same height as you were, though it varied from tree to tree. You loved how the trees looked when they were passing through the road in between the patches a few days ago. So you only suspected Doyoung would like seeing them as well.

You run up to the parents and ask them if you could take him there. They agree without much hesitation, only warning you to make sure to stay off the road and to wear proper shoes to protect from the bugs and thorns.

Taking Doyoung there was a struggle. Making him agree to go was harder, but he also kept complaining how hot the weather was (as if it had never been that hot before) and how he was too tired (which he should not have been, because you knew he tended to sleep on car rides, and it was an overnight drive for them to get here).

But the second you arrive at the patch, something changes.

He smiles in awe at seeing just how small the trees are and how they shine under the sunlight. You both sit under one of the trees, both of your heads touching some leaves, and it leaves a funny feeling on your heads. You both giggle for quite some time until it just starts feeling nice.

“What happened to your arm?” The question was impossible to hold back, and you thought talking about it would make him feel better. The tone in his voice makes you not so confident about that. “I was dipping to hit the ball, and the arm I wasn’t using— I wasn’t paying attention to it. It twisted and snapped when I landed on it, and now I don’t know if I can play volleyball anymore.” Doyoung lets a sigh out then and it is full of feelings you cannot make out the heavinesses of, because you lacked the experience.

You hiss with attempted empathy. “What are you gonna do instead?”

He sighs again but you can make the feeling behind it out this time, it is annoyance. “My music teacher wrote my name down for a conservatoire, and both mom and dad really wants me to go. Even my brother wants me to go. Weird.”

“Singing sounds nice.” But Doyoung does not look too keen on the idea. In spite of it you smile, hopeful. “If he’s saying you should go, then you have to sing for me sometime.”

He chuckles at that and looks at you as if you suggested something out-of-worldly crazy. “Yeah. Sure. Don’t depend on it.” Then he looks down and whines upon seeing his arm and the sun hitting it— the black cover on his cast. “Ugh, it’s so hot and itchy. I can’t even swim this summer and it’s only the start,” His mouth twitches and wobbles a bit the moment he is done complaining, and you frown, even though the fact that he only realized his arm was making him feel uncomfortable when he looked at it still makes you want to laugh a little. “I’m sorry.”

Doyoung throws you the crazy look again. “I was the idiot, why would you be sorry?” There was genuine curiosity in his voice before he chuckles breathily, in what might be disbelief. You pull on his blue and grey bracelet. The beads looked okay, but the strings were a bit worn off. “We’re best friends?” You suggest, to ring a bell more than anything.

He nods just once, agreeing, examining his bracelet when he notices your gaze on it. “We should really change the strings. Yours look terrible too.”

You look down at your bracelet, green and red like a watermelon as 8-year-old Doyoung had said, and mumble. “Yeah, we really should.”

The idea comes that very second. You just seemed to beam with ideas today. “We can put the beads in your pocket and tie the strings onto the branch. A friendship tree, yes?”

He looks up and smiles. “Okay. I guess to keep in peace as well.”

You had to help him every step of the way because he lacked an arm and through the experience you come to learn that an arm is a very serious lack of a thing. Through the summer he could not do much functioning until they had to leave to get his cast off around a month and a half later, and in turn you chose not to swim when he was at the beach reading books while accompanying his parents and yours. Instead you chatted with him and put handfuls of sand in his t-shirt (being careful not to get any in his cast, of course, partly for your own safety as well) every time he told you to just go and swim, until he was too pissed off at you.

And you stayed with him and offered a piece of your mother’s tiramisu as he cried for the first time ever since the first year you met, after he got the news that his arm was in too fragile of a condition to play volleyball again. Because that was all you could do.

A chilly night, sitting on top of one of the low branches of a random tree close to your shared backyard. It would be scary if you couldn’t see the lights coming off from your houses. Or if birds were not still chirping through the calm silence. But as you sat there, blueberry muffins in your hands, it was almost comfortable. If not for the bumpy bark you had been sitting on, of course.

It was the last days of summer. More and more people were leaving, closing off their summer houses for the duration of off-season. Doyoung and his family would be leaving tomorrow, whereas you and your family would stay for just a few days longer simply because everybody loved this place with its variety of trees and its beach.

“Are you excited you’ll get to compete this year?” Doyoung asks suddenly. You nod immediately and with eager. “I’m gonna win gold.” The sheer ambition in your claim makes Doyoung chuckle, which annoys you a little. He had started doing that a lot this summer, laughing at the stuff you would claim. You look at him as if to ask why he laughed even though you know he was going through the weird phase and lucky for him, he gets the signal. Then he shrugs. “I don’t know. Winning seems important for everyone and it’s silly. Just enjoy what you’re do—“

His voice cracks. “—ing.”

You try your best not to laugh, honestly. But he breaks first, so it is only fair that you start laughing too. His voice had been doing that for almost half of this summer, which was apparently a sign of growing up.

Puberty, being a preteen and all that. You had your fair share of experiences. It was funnier when it was not happening to you.

You mock his voice when you give him an answer. “I’ll just enjoy what I’m doing!” His eyes widen a little at that and he turns a little further towards you in surprise. “Hey, that sounds like how I sound in my head!”

Both of you lose it at the silliness of the sentence, it hurts your stomach after a while. It also takes a lot of effort to not slip from the branch and fall down onto the ground. What cuts through your laugh sooner than expected was his mother calling him back, shouting quite loudly that they would be leaving before sunrise and that he needed his sleep so he should better come back before she locks the door and goes to sleep.

The way down is faster and easier than the way up had been. Doyoung stuffs the remainder of his blueberry muffin in his mouth before clapping his hands together a couple of times to clean them of crumbs. He turns to tell you that the two of you better hurry up, but the way your face looks stops him. “I’m gonna miss you,” These exact words would always leave your mouths when it was someone’s time to leave this place and the reality of not being able to see each other for another 9 months set in.

Doyoung visibly relaxes, knowing nothing was wrong. “I’m gonna miss you too. But it’s okay, it’s just 9 months— we always wait that much. Plus,” He smiles widely. “You’ll finally have a pet next summer.”

“And you’ll sing.” He shakes his head immediately. “Please?” You press your chances because it was annoying what he was doing to you. He had never played volleyball with you when he used to play (even though it was rightfully so, as you were terrible at it) and now that he was actually really good at singing (proof being that he had taken part in several shows his conservatoire organized) he would deny you the chance to hear. You were best friends. That basically gives you the right to hear his singing.

Something changes in him, as his eyes widen slightly. “You know what? If you actually manage to get a pet, I will. Deal?” You know he thinks you cannot manage to do it. But you can. So you take it.

“Deal.”

Doyoung and his family do not come next summer.

Or, rather, for several next summers.

You ask your mother the first summer he is not there, your arms on the counter and your head resting on top as you watched her cook. “Mom, Doyoung’s not coming?”

She was washing off some produce from your garden to make a salad before they went bad when you hit her with the question. You do not get an answer, and she does not slow down, so you ask again after a few seconds when she takes out a knife and the chopping board. “Oh, his father has a different work schedule now,” She answers, slicing the cucumber. “They can only use the house on spring breaks.”

Heartbroken, you turn back around to go back into the living room to play with your puppy along with your father.

On the third summer, you hear various tumbling sounds coming from outside and the faint voices of your parents through the glass. The sun is barely up, the sky a pretty pink. You hear voices of a couple of old people. Maybe more, but you cannot make it out, as sleep was fighting with you to rest just a bit longer.

There is darkness for a while. Second time you wake up the sky looks more peachy with hues of yellow. The tumbling sounds have left their place to the sound of slamming metal doors and old engines that you think can only belong to trucks, but the noise is okay, because within less than five minutes the vehicles leave.

You ask about it at breakfast. Your father takes your hand in his as he drops his cutlery, and tells you he is sorry, before revealing that Doyoung and his parents had sold the summer house. Betrayal (lighthearted betrayal which only has place in your heart during your teenage years) slowly washes over you and you stand up abruptly before mumbling something about finishing your breakfast in your room. With unshed tears in your eyes, you gather your plate and leave.

Both of your parents’ sighs are audible when you are climbing up the stairs.

By the fourth year, their house already starts to get the old, rustic, sultry look any abandoned house would get.

You grow every year, that much is sure. Your puppy does so at a much faster rate as well. Your parents get deeper wrinkles on their face. Spots on their hands. The trees get taller, thicker and older. The summer house starts smelling of nostalgia rather than just of sea salt and rarely used furniture. The beach gets even emptier than how it used to be. The grove gets lonelier and scarier. The produce of your garden loses its taste at some point. You slowly start to abandon the idea of going out to the backyard, except for the times you went out with your dog. Jumping off the pier gradually gets less fun than it once was. Your swimming partner has four legs instead of just two.

When you get your first phone, excitement washes over you with hope as company. You ask your mother if you can get Doyoung’s phone number if he has one, but she says that they have lost touch with his parents and that they do not speak to each other anymore.

Excitement leaves your body, and your smile falls.

Some couples of other years pass as time has no intention of stopping, and on one of them your father moves out. With one less person in your summer house, the emptiness grows bigger. With one less person in your summer house, the environment loses its golden glow. The leaves, even under the bright sunlight, only look a sad variety of greens. Rooms feel so much bigger. Memories start off as sweet remembrances, but they surely turn into hauntings when every single thing reminds you of one.

After your father leaves, the only person you have left in your summer house is your mother. The only things you have left is cooking and baking with her, walking around aimlessly, and sitting in the quiet at the pier with your only four-legged companion.

You slowly realize that childhood is gone. Never to come back. Growing up turns out to be loss of great people and great things, and it slowly starts to make sense why your parents kept telling you growing up and being a grown person is not as exciting as you were making them out to be when you were younger.

Summer loses its magic and grows weary. Yet, despite it all, the summer house remains as your safe space.

Because there is only the struggle of loneliness, unlike what the longer part of the years throw at you.

Yet loneliness does not prove to be much easier.

Growing up and going to college, moving out of the house took a toll on your relationship with your mother. It was not noticeable until the first time you came back for the summer break, when it started to seem like you ran out of things to talk about easily. Movie nights grew more frequent. Cooking and baking still were the fun things to do, at least.

It was not that you could not get along with her, or you had too many fights. Being around her was still comfortable. It was just that your mother could never be your friend, let alone your best friend. There were a fair amount of things you would not talk about with her. Even though she must know this, she would try to fill the gap Doyoung had left.

It was not possible. You suspected it never would be. Because he felt like second nature to you and he was gone. How could anyone replace second nature?

Her trying to fill the gap your father had left was one thing. The other was not all the same.

Summers got quiet and lonely after Doyoung left, yes. More so after your father left. But as you kept growing up and sharing less with your mother, the dimension of your loneliness shifted. It started feeling more like isolation.

And it was then, that you felt like true happiness started shifting away from you.

Your favorite time to hang out at the pier is around sunset hours.

The beach was the emptiest around that time and the night, because the general population was old and dinner preparation would keep them from going out from late afternoon and onwards. After sunset— the usual dinner time for most of the neighbors— porch lights would get turned on immediately. And when dark blue paints over the sky while the moon slowly comes out, the sounds of old neighbors visiting each other and chatting, sometimes playing games on their porch and laughing along would travel to the wooden pier where you would be laying down, listening to the wavering sea. It had quickly grown to be one of your fondest things about the summer.

That afternoon is no different. It is almost the golden hour on a hot day, and your dog is absolutely spent after a long walk so you both deserve to get a breather, really.

You move towards the end of the pier and sit down, alerting your dog gently to do the same. Her tail thumps repeatedly against the boards as she sits down looking at your hand. You cannot help but smile at her cuteness. Opening up the water bottle you had brought along, you place your palm under it curled like a bowl. Letting the water flow down carefully, you let her drink the water from your palm.

She ends up drinking most of the water in the bottle but still sweats afterwards. Happy and content despite sweating, she looks around and at the water, watching the few fishes that were swimming towards the seaweed bunched around the pier’s legs, wagging her tail in curiosity. You look at the water as well, but your mind is elsewhere. Wondering about your father.

He had promised you to come and visit before summer ended and here you were. Halfway through the summer— almost more than halfway.

Something in you started wondering if he would keep his promise a while ago. The hope that held onto the promise started dimming as the days went on.

You let a huff out in an effort to lighten the tightness in your chest. It works ever so slightly, and your companion turns her head to you. She has always had a talent in understanding when you were upset— maybe an instinct, and this time was no exception. She lies down next to you and nags at your hand. Giving in was too easy when it was her. You start petting her and letting her lick your hand and arm.

Perhaps it is magic, because her efforts of cheering you up works without any exceptions. Not giggling is impossible.

Her and you lay down, playing around for a while as her attempts of licking your face gets more frequent and although you adore her, you do not want to be licked on your face. It turns into a wrestle rather quickly. Her paws press on your stomach sometimes which is far from a pleasing experience and it is when she really just makes you nauseous that you force her down to a hug. It takes too much time huffing and puffing and annoyed-sneezing for her to calm down and stop wagging her tail but she stops eventually.

Literally seconds later there is the slightest creak on the boards and she picks her head up. The tail starts wagging and thumping again. You ignore it, wanting to cherish the moment.

“Hey! I’ve been looking for a certain someone, can you help?”

The familiarity of the upbeat voice pulls a weak string at your heart automatically. The string sends waves of electric all throughout your body and it surprises you how much it can burn still, after years of no contact, and it is only a familiarity.

Breathing deeply, you answer. “Unless you’re looking for your grandparents, I don’t think so.” The creaks get louder, nearer. Then they stop. The wagging tail is way too excited for its own good as the thumps get faster and harsher, and she starts getting excited again, trying to look at and smell whoever it is that stands near you.

A face hovers far above yours with a smile. “I don’t think I’m looking for my grandparents.”

Your breath hitches and you let your companion loose without meaning to. She wastes no time in jumping up and become acquainted with the intruder.

Except he is not. He is not an intruder. He is a familiar face. Hell, he is more than a familiar face. He is second nature.

And just one glance at his not changed but grown face takes all the betrayal, the disappointment, the feeling of having fallen out of place away. And it takes everything in you to not start crying on the spot. Instead you smile big, spring up onto your feet and throw your arms around his middle to hold him close, so close that he does not have the opportunity to leave, not now. His shoulder welcomes your face to nuzzle itself in and you take the advantage fully— shocked, even though it was an obvious fact, that he had grown so much. His arms find their places around your back comfortably. Hugging felt natural and safe but still weird to some extent, because it was not like how it was 8 years ago.

“Do you have any idea how much I’ve missed you?” Your voice still shakes even though you keep the tears inside. He places his chin on top of your head as you nuzzle closer and lets out a breath himself. “I think I do.”

After many minutes of hugging and letting the emotions out in the form of squeezes and nuzzles, both of you sit down where you were stationed before Doyoung appeared. One of his hands keep petting your four-legged best friend while he keeps his mouth occupied, talking to you to catch up in any way.

You could not stop looking at him. Taking it all in. Just how taller he had gotten— though not a giant like he had sometimes hoped he would turn out as, but you do not tell him that— and how sharper his facial features had gotten. Yet it comforted you how he had not changed. You could go back in time and look at him, and compare the two looks you had seen, and you could easily tell that this person in front of you was Doyoung.

His jet black hair, even, had not changed much at all. It was still in his face in some way. It was as if he had just physically grown up, and nothing had changed other than him growing taller and his features setting in place.

That comforted you, although you were not sure why.

Curiosity took over you as you kept chatting in the comfortable silence. There was so much to learn about him. It almost felt like you were meeting with a new person. Almost.

“Where are you even staying?” The question feels kind of uncomfortably intimate for you to ask after so much time, but you do not want to lose anything that you had with him. So it would only make sense for you to act as if it is still there. He does not seem to mind the question too much as the answer comes sooner than you would expect, without the awaited stare. “I’m crashing at a friend’s couch. He lives near here.”

“Who lives here all year?” You mumble in disbelief. But you trust him in telling the truth. He smiles back, looking around as if to check the environment. “Everything looks the same. This place aged well,” His gaze shifts back to you, warm and gentle. “I can’t say the same about you, though.”

There is nothing harsh about his words, but you cannot help but feel taken aback. “What do you mean?”

He shrugs, not even bothered about your dog sweating over his leg as he keeps petting her. “A lot of things feel different about you. You look different too.”

“Is that to say I haven’t aged well?” You joke, making light of the situation. It would be a lie if you did not admit that his words did not hurt you in the slightest. Even though you knew that they held some truth value. He huffs, letting his head fall to the side, annoyed. Like the olden days. It makes you too happy to see it. “That wasn’t what I meant and you know it. There is just, something off about you, it hits you in the face.” He stops for a second to look at you properly again. You do not look offended, so he continues. “But I don’t think everyone would be able to notice it enough to make a deal about it, you know?”

It is your turn to shrug with one shoulder, and click your tongue a little, shaking your head as if this whole thing did not bother you. “Mm, I grew up,” He throws a look as if to say I know, but you keep on talking. “And I changed. Nothing too crazy.”

“You’re sweeping it under the rug, but I’m gonna let that go this once.” He says as your dog’s attention span on him expires, and she goes to lay down at the corner of the pier, a spot where she can have her own space and a rather okay view of the fish living down there. “This once?” You ask, unable to stop the hope from surfacing.

“Well,” Doyoung turns his body to face yours. He sits criss cross. “I’ll be around until the end of summer. I just assumed we can keep seeing each other?”

A laugh breaks through years of quiet summers as your heart flutters. “Of course, yeah.” Doyoung smiles back his smile, his one of a kind smile, and you have to pinch yourself to know this is not a dream.

It is not, and night had never come faster in years.

Getting to know your best friend for the second time was a weird experience. You had to ask him what he was studying since he was going to begin his senior year of university, to which he answers musical theatre. Upon that you smile a witty smile, pointing at your companion who picks her head up after she realizes she was being pointed at, and tell him that you had gotten a pet so he would have to sing to keep his promise.

He laughs and answers okay. But not now.

Within minutes, he updates you on almost everything. He tells you stories of this band he was part of where he formed his friend group, and how he had been picked up as the male lead for Tick, Tick… Boom! at the end of his sophomore year so he actually had to learn how to dance. Doyoung claims to not having been the greatest in it, so you ask with all the curiosity in your heart if he managed to get a date out of the musical. You get an answer of an overly confident of course, which tells you more than you need. Despite not having heard his singing, or having seen him dance, you tell him that he must have been amazing at it. When the argument comes you simply shut him up with the fact that he was picked as the lead.

Doyoung mentions not seeing his family for that summer because of the fact that school had ended only fairly recently, and because he could not not see this place anymore. He adds that he never even mentioned coming here to his family to eliminate any chances of them insisting he would go see them, and that he would really appreciate if you kept his presence here a secret from your parents as well. You agree to it, partly because he is still someone you could do anything for, and partly because the selfish feeling of wanting him to yourself only for a while.

The mood kind of goes down when he asks “So, uh, what was life like after I left?”

The question makes the smile fall off your face involuntarily for just a second before you push through and fight it off, smiling once again. “High school was hard, first of all.”

One of his eyebrows rise in surprise. “Oh yeah? What was it like?”

Without even stopping to think, you answer truthfully. “Like you ate shit, and tried to throw up the shit you ate, but it took you 4 years to do so.” There is a wince of disgust before he answers. “Ew. That sounds miserable.”

“Was in fact miserable.” You admit. The shits-and-giggles attitude breaks faster than you intend to. “My parents got divorced in junior year, and my father had to move out, so that was a big contribution.”

Doyoung does not look surprised, but upset. He looks down at his hands before looking back up at you. “I’m sorry to hear that.”

Again, a shrug, as your lips waver. “It’s whatever.”

Silence. Uncomfortable silence maybe for the first time ever since you met him.

So you break it. “You know what? This is a reunion, and I really don’t wanna talk about how a break up that’s not my own affected me. There are lots of happier things to talk about,”

The two of you keep talking with each other for hours and hours on end. You are sure he misses the dinner at some point unlike you who were used to having early dinners. Naturally you have to take a break every once in a while to help your dog do her business, but you hold your own business inside to have all the time you can with him. It still felt as if he would leave again and never come back.

But at some point he has to leave, so you let him go. Not without a “Let’s exchange numbers?” though.

However, the answer you get is not all that satisfactory. “Sorry, I can’t. I’ve a foreign number since I study abroad and— yeah. I didn’t activate my local one this time. And you know how internet connection is here.”

“Basically nonexistent,” You agree. “But how do we meet up if we can’t—“

He smiles. “I can just come here every night after dinner.”

Your breath hitches again. Happiness beats in your heart. You could certainly do with that. “Sure. If it’s alright with you, I mean.”

“It’s why I’m here.”

In all honesty, the fact that Doyoung is back does not hit you until around the end of the first week.

The week in itself is fairly uneventful if you overlook the excitement his presence gives you. You mostly just speak to each other, to catch up on all that lost time. One thing you notice is how affectionate and all over each other both of you seemed to get, and on your part, it was still about making sure he was truly there. Hugs quickly grew to be the default state you would hang out together. If his arm was not around your shoulders, your arm would be stationed at the small of his back as you sat at the beach or the pier, and if neither was happening your legs would be sprawled across and over his lap.

Nothing about the affection you two seemed to gain felt awkward. It came so naturally.

The only weird thing about Doyoung was how he managed to be so punctual. You would show up at the pier as soon as it got dark, basically— and often he would already be there waiting. If not, he would only be late for around a few minutes. You could not tell if it was intuition the both of you shared, or a silent agreement. Whatever it was, it was a great thing, and you were thankful for it, because it gave you the time you so badly needed with your best friend.

Keeping Doyoung a secret from your mother proved to be harder than you initially thought. The fact that you were almost a fully grown adult about to start junior year of college seemed to be an irrelevant fact as soon as you started staying outside for too long in the night, and you had to swear to your mother several times that everything was okay. You excused yourself saying it was too hot when sun was out, and the beach was breezy and enjoyable in the night, so you would rather hang out with your dog then.

Which was not all a lie. She seemed to enjoy herself a lot more then, as well, and sweat a lot less. Not to mention her liking of Doyoung.

Randomly on one night you notice the bracelet still on Doyoung’s wrist. It makes you smile silly. “You still have it on.” Your finger goes and pulls on it, reminding Doyoung of the fact. He smiles fondly. “Why wouldn’t I? Don’t you?”

You pull your leg out of the water and show him. “I do, just not on my wrist.” The green and red beads shine on your ankle with the moonlight, and your leg goes chilly when the breeze hits. Doyoung’s reaction looks questionable at best so it only prompts you to further explain yourself. “Motivates me to hold my ground. It’s easier to remember who I am this way.” The words awaken something you would rather not feel ever again. Your chest hurts with the rush of the stinging feeling, but you hold yourself to endure it.

He stops as another wave hits both of your legs and furrows his brows. “What does that mean?” You turn back around to face him better— he looks hurt, somehow. As if he can feel what you are feeling inside. You take a breath. “I was very lonely, you know,” The tone of your voice reflects the hurt you kept dearly inside, and you have to physically squeeze your hands within themselves to not let the cracks reach the bottom of your feet where they would break you in half. It is the first time you ever admit it and the words sound harsher in your ear than how they used to sound inside your thoughts. “I still am, in a way. And it’s hard to not want to run away from everything when the world basically gives you all the reasons to. So I had to stand my ground.”

When his mouth opens to say whatever he had on his mind you turn your back to him. “I don’t want to talk about it.” Your dog passes by you two, running along the shore and playing in the water, blind to the atmosphere.

Doyoung respects what you say.

Although thankful for his silence, it eats away at you for days. Some part of you keeps saying that you are not letting Doyoung get as close to you as he has been letting and is letting. Because he lets you know how his biggest dream is to really debut in a Broadway show, and how singing means so much to him now. You know he studies in one of the best schools for musical theatre. You know about how he is lifelong companions with his brother now, instead of enemies like how they had been when you were children. You know he is still very afraid of anything remotely creepy. You know his biggest insecurity is his dancing and his biggest fear is being involved in anything violent and getting hurt. You just know so many things about him. And he keeps telling you even more with excitement beaming off of his eyes.

And it makes you feel bad. Because you cannot bring yourself to talk about everything like he does.

For one night, you let the attitude fall, though.

You decide he can get to know something if he wants to, because that night you had promised each other to meet at a later hour than you normally would have. You had promised your mother a proper dinner and chat, inarguably a nice way to spend your evening, and there were a bit too many glasses of drinks in your system. Luckily you were still highly functional— treading on the fine line between tipsy and fully drunk. It was more or less an open invitation to an interrogation with how talkative you were.

Doyoung notices the slight sway in your steps before a second even passes. He chuckles a bit, giggling as you throw yourself into his open arms. His giggling prompts a sluggish laugh from you because it is just so cute. And he helps you to your station of just a bit over two weeks. He helps you sit down without slipping, and helps your dog to calm down a little by petting her head.

He is still a very good friend.

You do not bother to open your mouth, because the sky is dark, the pier is dimly lit, the breeze is soft and chilly, the smell of sea salt is intoxicating, your old love bug of a dog is wagging her tail looking at you, and Doyoung is sitting right beside you. Your head is on his shoulder.

It feels so perfect. Why would you want to talk?

But he has other plans.

“Do you want to talk about last week? The night when we were walking along the shore, I mean?” His voice is gentle as ever. Even though the question is highly expected, you huff. Yet your head acts on autopilot as it nods. “Sure.”

He clears his throat. “Why do you feel lonely?” The question is blurted out and not cautiously asked, as if had he tried to ask it with caution he would not have been able to.

Still, it feels like he has to ask the hardest questions. But, you jump into an answer without any preparation. “First, you left. Every single summer I waited for you to come back. Along those summers I kind of,” The act of jumping into an answer does not seem to be all that easier than working through the painful thoughts, so you trail off a bit before you pick your words back up again. “I guess I kind of felt betrayed and, um, lost trust? I never tried to be friends with anyone and the amount of people that take the first step towards someone who clearly won’t try is fairly low, you know?” You look up at him, and he is already looking down at you. Gently but without a smile.

“So I didn’t have friends, really. Not like you. Then, like I told you— dad left. Was the icing on the cake. I was too used to his presence, like yours. Both of you were with me for more than half my life and suddenly you weren’t.” You scoot closer to him as an instinct and he welcomes you, like he always does. “I guess that hurt the most.”

“Was too big of an emptiness to handle?” It sounds so lighthearted, yet is so spot on. So you can only nod as you hold onto his arm. “Yeah, but I handled it.” Plus, it had payed off— he was here and soon, your father would be too.

Your father calls you a few days later on a sunny but breezy afternoon when you are in the backyard playing with your dog. His voice sounds tired and old— a fact you could only realize when you were not face to face with him. Tired maybe because of his work schedule. Old because you were not the only one growing up.

But his voice is not only tired and old, it also sounds genuinely apologetic. “Hey, honey, I don’t think I’ll be able to visit you there this summer. I’m so sorry. Maybe we can spend time next summer, you could even get an internship here before senior year starts?”

Yet it still sounds just like a mix of made up excuses. “You can’t or you won’t visit me?” The question is bitter with every sound that leaves you, and your father certainly seems to get the point as a sigh echoes in your ear soon after. “I don’t think your mother would enjoy me being there, so how about we just see each other in winter break, hm? It’s sooner than summer break, and a few months will fly by with school. I’m sure.”

“Making truce for a week shouldn’t be so hard after that many years of marriage.” Your argument is intended to reflect the disappointment in your voice and it does, but there is also a very obvious hint of hope in there that goes unnoticed. “That’s not how relationships work, honey. I’m sorry. Please don’t get mad at your mom, okay? Tell her I said hi, and call me back when you feel better.”

And he ends the call.

It takes everything in you to not throw the phone hard to the ground. Instead you call your dog to come sit next to you on the grass, and cuddle her in hopes of getting better. By ways of magic, perhaps, she can tell your heart is broken and that you need the company. So she calms down in lightning speed and just nuzzles into you, and you stay there like that, her sweating and looking around and rarely whining and hugging you closer, until your mother calls you in for dinner.

Dinner is uneventful save for your mother asking you if you would be going out again, which you would be. She talks to you about these new recipes that she has found in this new recipe book she bought and you pretend to be interested in the matter. In all honesty you could not care less but it would not be justifiable to say that since you knew you would be devouring the sweets if they came to existence in that instant.

You finish your food in silence before grabbing your denim jacket and making your way out of the door with only a stern and noticeable “Dad says hi.”

Doyoung is luckily already at the pier that evening even though it is slightly earlier than your usual meeting time. He is sat down at the end, looking down and watching the small waves hitting the legs of the pier. He must hear your feet on the boards because he immediately turns around and lifts himself up to his feet, but his smile falters when he is able to make your face out in the dim light. “Why are you alone? Something wrong?”

It is only his question that reminds you that you had rushed to the pier with one less friend because you forgot to bring her. That had never happened before, and the fact that you had the ability to forget weighs heavy on your shoulders— to the extent that you only look down at your feet in shame and break down when the tears invade your eyes without any signal.

Nothing happens for a few seconds as you weep. He takes the first step towards you after the initial shock and slowly brings you into a hug as you mumble shaky apologies with trembling hands. You are enclosed in such a hug that you cannot even hug him back, and he keeps reassuring you that it’s fine, that you don’t need to apologize for crying, and that you’re so strong. He keeps combing through your hair with his fingers, and at some point he helps you sit down before pulling you back into a hug.

Calming down is hard because of too many things hitting you at once, and perhaps because your newly-built happiness had taken another blow to it. “Dad’s not coming.” You manage out after a while, and he listens as you ramble. “There’s only a couple of weeks until I have to go back and—“

You sob. “I just want childhood back. Everything was better back then. He was here, you were here, we were happy. I’d give everything up to be kids again if I knew we could.”

His eyes are brimmed with tears too, but he would never tell you that. Instead he pulls you in closer if it even is possible, and takes a deep breath before speaking up. “What can I do for you?”

“Can you sing?” The low mumble vibrating into his chest reaches his heart, and he cannot bring himself to say no. It takes mere seconds before he takes in another breath and jumps into a song.

You are just so young at this very moment, my dearest Life ahead has hopes and joys Promises of happy days For you, for an eternity Neither loneliness nor any lies may ever bring tears to your eyes You've wept enough when you were born, Let that be the final, the last

Doyoung’s singing is beautiful. His airy voice that carries so much emotion with it only makes you cry harder initially, which makes him panic slightly as he keeps trying to check up on you, but you just shake your head and bury your face deeper into his chest. The song touches every living cell in your body and gives you a strength you would never expect a song to give you, and it makes you feel hopeful.

Just a bit, but it is a start of something that blooms in your chest.

And you do feel better afterwards, though it takes you some time to quiet down properly. Doyoung asks if you are actually feeling better when the sniffles subside, and you nod.

Then an idea strikes you, and you smile.

You shove Doyoung with your hand. “Ow! What was that for?”

Slowly rising up to your feet, you look at him. “Catch me if you can!”

And you bolt away from him.

It takes more time than strictly necessary for him to realize what you mean. His words only reach your ears when you have already made your way to the beach. “I thought we outgrew this!” And he starts running to catch you.

Playing tag on sand is more difficult than you remember. Maybe because you really outgrew this game, or maybe because it is dark, possibly both, but you could not care. You were too busy with running away from him, who by the way, was much better at tag than you would expect. He still had the speed he once did while you were kids and playing the game in your shared backyard, and the fact that you two were playing on sand does not seem to be phasing him too much.

You have to resort to running along the shore with your feet in the water to slow him down, but he still comes dangerously close to catching you. So it is really your only resort to run back onto the pier.

Except the pier is not wide enough to fit two adults circling the width of it with that much speed. It would only grant a chance for Doyoung to catch you. But, the adult you was crazy enough to do something the child you would never have the bravery to.

You do not know how you manage to take off your denim jacket that fast, but you do, and you let out a scream of adrenaline just as he shouts at you to stop— and you jump into the water when you reach the end.

The water is definitely colder than how it had been in the morning when you were swimming, but you still laugh as you make your way to the surface. Doyoung looks at you with wide eyes and a smile. “Come on!” You manage out. “A little water shouldn’t scare you from catching me.”

He laughs at the invitation, takes a few big steps back, and runs forward to jump into the water himself.

Your mother scolds you in the morning about the fact when she asks you why you have got a minor cold all of the sudden, but it certainly is worth it.

“You want to sleep over at ours tonight?”

You ask him the question as summer’s last days quickly approach on a night (basically almost a morning) where you have stayed up for too long. There was not much reason to let him go back to his friend’s house. Especially when you did not trust him with traveling in the dead of the night.

It freaks him out a bit, you can tell, because he physically gets a bit smaller and fidgets. “You know I can’t, what if your mom—“

“She’s sleeping, I swear. She never stays up this late. You can just sleep for a few hours and leave when the sun comes out.”

He cannot protest the idea much after that, because he knows you would not let him go.

Together, you leave the pier and start walking back to your house which takes quite some time, but it is nice. Walking back towards that direction with him again flutters your heart. It makes you want to squeal in excitement. But at the same time it is not exactly like how it was when the two of you were kids. There was something different.

You could not put a finger on it.

Your dog trails behind you, trotting contently as you walk arm in arm. Walking that way had started off as a joke around two weeks ago when the both of you walked through the streets neighboring the beach. You two played a game of two elites roaming through the streets of the commonwealth as you told him what the neighbors had been up to in the years that he had not come. And then, it just stayed as a habit.

Because it was comfortable. And because you liked being close to him.

When you reached the backyard, you opened the gate and let him and your dog in. The bugs were still playing a symphony of various different screeching, and your summer house was pitch dark as you had expected it to be.

You make your way towards the back door and slide it to the side, and one friend of yours makes her way inside and onto her bed immediately. The other friend is not so quick. You turn around to tell him to hurry up before mosquitoes make their way inside, but you find him stuck in place with no intention of moving as he looks at what used to be their house.

You slide the door back and walk back to him.

“It looks so.. run down,” He sounds so genuinely sad for the first time ever since he came back. It hurts you to see it. “And old. I wish I could help it somehow.” The second half of his words only come out as a whisper as he inspects the place that holds his better part of childhood memories.

“Nobody’s bought it. Your parents could buy it back if they wanted to, but it does require a lot of work inside.” You suggest calmly, and with hope that is supposed to be ironic yet quite the opposite of it. Doyoung looks so confused at what you say. It takes him a good moment before it clicks. “Yeah, yeah, true. I don’t think they’d do it, though.” He sighs, thoroughly considering whether to stay there and look at the house, or to go back in. He chooses the better option even though it is hard. “Let’s go inside.”

It takes too much effort to coerce him into sleeping with you on your bed rather than having him sleep on the very uncomfortable couch. You tell him more than enough times that his back would be broken if he ever attempted even taking a nap on the couch— speaking from experience— and he just ends up giggling shyly when you tell him it does not have to be weird if you two sleep together.

So you two go to your room. As the furnitures never really needed to change, your bed was still a twin bed, which only prompted Doyoung to get that much shier.

You two get in the bed and under the covers, you on the side against the wall to give him the chance to leave comfortably when he has to. To make him feel better about it, you take your phone and set an alarm to the exact minute of sunrise, and he laughs when you tell him he is too much of a scaredy cat.

As your twin bed’s width commanded, you had to cuddle to have a chance at sleeping comfortably. Your head on his chest feels better than ever, his breathing hitting the top of your head slightly funny. He giggles when you giggle at the feeling. You can imagine him smiling crystal clear in your head and surely, when you look up at him, he is.

It is just a shame that you do not hear his heartbeat when you turn back to sleep, because you really wonder if it is beating as fast as yours do.

Just a few days before you have to leave.

You ask Doyoung to come in the afternoon that day because you want to have a picnic, which he agrees to. Both of you meet at the pier around an hour before sun would start to set, and share a hug before he starts to make his way to the end of the pier. But you stop him this once. “I wanna take you somewhere else.” He agrees to it without much questioning.

The trails seem to be a bit more overtaken by thorns and wild flowers, so it takes you a bit longer than it should have to get to the patch of olive trees. You look at him expectantly when you arrive and, surely enough, he has one of the most beautiful smiles on his face. The happiest, too, if you recall right.

You lead him to your tree and set the bag of snacks down, preparing the place— laying down the old table cloth to sit on, taking out the packed sandwiches and olives and the blueberry muffins. He is too entranced looking at the tree to notice, but he throws an apologetic glance when he realizes.

“Where are the strings? I can’t see them,” He claims. You point to one of the higher end of the branches, a place where they definitely were not initially placed. “I had to change their location as it grew,” You explain. “They were too tight to stay where we’d tied them when we were midgets.”

Doyoung laughs and its remainder stays on his face as he finally spots the strings on the tree. He looks at it for a minute or two in adoration, but his eyes hold something a bit sadder inside.

Maybe he misses childhood, too; you never stopped to think about it before.

Soon enough he sits down. You unwrap your sandwich and suggest he does the same, but he tells you he is not that hungry though he would make sure to eat it.

A warm chatter starts between you two. He asks you what you would be doing for junior year, which was pretty set already— you would be looking for internships left and right, and trying to survive the mountains worth of assignments. Midterms and finals would surely be getting more difficult as well, but that did not matter all that much. An internship would help you find a job, so that would be your focus.

You ask the same to him, what he would do that year before he graduates. It must be exciting to graduate, and Doyoung tells you he would have to start looking for places to live and extend his immigration status in one way or another while he auditions maybe hundreds of times before he manages to land himself in a good musical and hopefully a good position.

He can do it, you know. There is no way he cannot with that voice. You tell him that, and he gets a bit flattered before telling you his concerns do not have too much to do with singing but rather with dancing.

You tell him he still can.

That ends up being the finish line for that conversation and you finish your sandwich in silence, only looking at your phone sometimes to see if you have any texts or calls from your mother, since she is the one that has to take care of your dog.

He watches the leaves wave in the constant breeze this summer offered this place, and picks up an olive from the cup you had brought. He holds it up and lines it with the branches that are decorated with unripe olives, and squints his eyes before asking. “Did these come from here?”

You nod your head enthusiastically. “Mhm,” Your hand lands itself on the trunk behind your back. “From this tree itself. My dad collected them when he came here in October last year.”

Doyoung smiles and pops the olive into his mouth. He looks genuinely delighted to be eating it, which makes you happy.

The two of you continue chatting and bickering and relaxing until sun starts setting, which signals that you have to get going. The summer house still had to get cleaned and tidied up to get ready for being locked up for the off-season, and the amount of work you and your mother had to do was a bigger deal than it needed to be. Not to mention the fact that you had to carry so many stuff to and from this place every year, so there was even some packing to do, which you hated. University experience really brought too much of it.

And then there is the fact that somehow, you would have to say goodbye. Having to say goodbye to Doyoung gave you a nostalgic feeling, but mostly it made you feel sad and scared. The day you would have to tell him goodbye for who knows how long was approaching without any mercy, which did not make it any easier to plan what to do next or how to say it before going to sleep at night.

So maybe it is only fair to say what is going through your mind. Which is that you do not want him to leave again. “Doyoung,” You start off. He looks into your eyes with full attention. “Don’t leave again. Not for long.”

The request prompts the start of silence. But it is only for a short while before he gulps, and answers with determination. “I won’t.” He shakes his head. “Not again.”

The untold promise makes you so happy you can cry, and what he happens next is really not something that had a thought behind it.

You place your hands on his jaw and bring him closer, so much closer to you until your lips meet, and his hand springs to hold yours on his face with shock. What you seem to be doing shocks you as well, but you cannot exactly stop yourself. You did not want to. And you certainly are sure you would not stop unless he wants to.

Yet, he also does not seem to want to stop. Because after the initial shock that lasts for what must be only a second, he holds your hand tight and places his other hand on the small of your back. His lips are so soft and airy, and the way he kisses you is so endearing. It feels like he is repeating his promise without words, telling you he is here now, and he would be here when you come back. You stop and pull away from him just for a second, looking into his eyes that shimmer before leaning back in and pecking his lips again and again— kissing him thank you, thank you, thank you. He holds you in place and kisses you for what you know is going to be the last time, and he kisses you so forcefully it screams I love you; I don’t know how it happened but I love you and I want to keep loving you.

You push back against his lips in an attempt to say I love you yourself, but you have to pull away and hug him tight to make any sense.

It takes a moment for him to start speaking, and when he does, he sounds absolutely horrified. “We need to talk.”

You pull away from him again and look at his stressed figure. It makes your heart drop. “About this?”

He shakes his head at first but then nods. “I need to tell you something. We really need to talk.”

The happiness in you dares to falter, but you will not let it. Not this once. Not when you are this happy. So you lift yourself up onto your feet and shake your head, because you will not let him bulldoze something he had built himself. “You know what? No. Let me live with this just for a night.” Doyoung tries to protest, opening his mouth, but you cut him off before he can even start. “Just one night, Doyoung. We can talk about it tomorrow.”

He only nods slightly, and you mutter an “I’ll leave now, and I’ll see you tomorrow.” Before packing everything back up and handing him his sandwich, and rushing back to your house.

It takes you only a short while to get there because of how fast you were walking, and you do your best to get into the backyard and into the house without making much noise, because your mother was not expecting you. She might have been sleeping.

And granted, the house is silent and calm when you first walk in. But then you spot the figure of your mother hunched over the island counter in the kitchen, on the phone. You are about to go ahead and hug her from the back as a surprise when her barely audible sob stops you. It is impossible to go unnoticed just how hard she is crying, because she cannot even let it out fully. It makes you wonder why, what was wrong, but then she speaks—

“I’m serious. Our child was speaking into pure emptiness and it’s.. I don’t know what to do. I’m so scared.”

#nct scenarios #nct imagines #nct doyoung #doyoung #kim doyoung #nct 127 #nct u #my fingers hurt #my brain is mush #i hope this is a good one #lol i can only hope

[stonerbughead]

Maria watches friday night lights (#6)

Season 3 continues! 3x04-3x06~

let’s get it, under the cut:

-oh we have a COWBOY on the scene? Lovely.

-Correct, Cash, Tyra IS a goddess.

“You are a molder of men and i find that admirable and I find that sexy.” Tami and Eric Taylor invented marriage, crazy!

-I respect Julie’s game yo she’s out here tryna study with Matt. Get it, gurl! Get ya man back!

-aww Matt’s trauma with his mommm, my poor babe

-isn’t it funny how my posts were longer when the show was more off the rails? now you get why my Riverdale podcast works lol

-omg the way Eric Taylor has dealt with this Saracen/JD conundrum has been heartwrenching!

-it’s so wild that this Landry and Matt car scene, pulling into the school parking lot together, feels so full circle to the beginning of the show when Saracen was QB2 and never expected anything different to happen

-Tyra: “I’m allowed to have a boyfriend.”

“Didn’t look like a boy to me.” Yesss Tami stays calling out these adults preying on teens, we stan!

-omg Tim keeps quoting Buddy garrity’s dumbass quote about flipping houses I’m dead I cannot 🤦🏻‍♀️😂

-omfg billy, you are not doing business with GUY, the methhead roommate from season 2!!! Whyyy

-like come on how did you not know this was a bad idea?! This isn’t even the first time the Riggins brothers have sped away from this particular guy shooting at them!

-even with a baby, Jason is still boring. Like, his roommate Herc is more interesting.

-they give Tyra the wildest plotlines—a couple eps ago she was running for student body president and now she’s skipping school to hang out with a cowboy while indie folk music plays in the background?? I can’t

“It’s not a big deal, everyone has one.” “It doesn’t mean anything, its a tattoo!” is this Julie Taylor or my sister Sofia as a teenager bc I see no difference

-oh fuck not Matt’s mom finally wanting to go see him in a game the first time Matt’s QB2 since the first game of sophomore year 😭

-alright soooo excited for 3x06 which had Matt and Julie at a lake in the description. Teen drama goodness already guaranteed.

-ewww I don’t like the “have you found any cheerleaders you think are cute” comment from JD’s cringe mom. An adult being so involved in a 15 year old’s love life creeps me out. Anddd of course his controlling dad then follows up by saying JD can’t be serious about a girl! (meaning he’ll inevitably want to date a girl this season at some point)

-oh wow Landry’s metal band is still going strong?! Oop jk this is the scene where they break up?! I forgot it even existed!

-lol so Riggins is skipping school to work on this house but is still showing up to practice. Wild.

-are there fairy wings on this wedding dress Mindy is trying on????

-yes Julie and Matt taking advantage of grandma yelling at Eric Taylor in the grocery store to flirt! Here for this. Also LOLYES to grandma still hugging Eric Taylor by the end of the convo. “I can’t stay mad at you.”

-oh Jason you shouldn’t have ever gotten into this with the Riggins brothers 😭 omg Billy saying “I’ve worked construction before” all angrily then accidentally hurting himself a second later

-JD plays awkward freshman way too well

-JD’s dad in the locker room is so cringe tho omg, this poor kid already has it bad enough trying to fit in as it is!!!

-Ohhh there’s a cute girl trying out for Landry’s band ok I see you!!

-ayyy Jason’s baby mama’s a Jersey gurl? Represent!

-omg Saracen just came over and asked Julie to go to the lake after borrowing Landry’s car? They’re so cute! They’re both trying now awww I’m too soft~ we love loveeeee

-And just like that, Lyla and Tim adopted JD from the dance

-ah, andddd he’s drunk! These flip phones with the grainy quality filming in the party!! Are the early days of camera phones about to be the downfall of JD McCoy?

-OK that Matt and Julie frantic reunion makeout by the fire did NOT disappoint! Can I tell you how much this reminds me of the getting back together bughead scene in 2x12? See my separate post. TEEN DRAMA PERFECTION!!

-Ugh and the long soft kisses as they said goodbye when Matt drops her off I am 🥰

-Ah and they locked eyes in church the next day. Young southern love.

-ew why is jd’s dad ratting out JD for drinking to the coach for no reason? Like who the fuck do you think JD was drinking with, dumbass?

-Jason singing to his daughter over the phone was actually super endearing. I can tell this is the set-up for his exit arc, which is kind of sad bc I feel like he’s finally interesting to me lol but it does kinda feel in some ways like they didn’t know what to do with Jason’s storyline ever, is it just me?

cc anyone who has shown they care at all about this journey: @iconic-ponytail @lockitin @heartunsettledsoul @investigativeduo @miss-eee

#maria watches friday night lights #mine #friday night lights 3x04 #friday night lights 3x05 #friday night lights 3x06 #matt x julie

[hellreads]

i feel like this is such a taboo thing to talk about, and i’m genuinely curious and not shading anyone here, but how do you go about correcting fics with a lot of grammar/spelling or other writing mistakes? and letting the authors know about it? i read this fic with such a good plot but i couldn’t bring myself to finish it bc of the amount of improper spelling and grammar which made it confusing to read. ik someone will call me out for being unappreciative but i’m rlly just trying to help them

hello there love, I felt this one, I have read so many stories that have potential but I tend to just drop them because of the grammar/spelling/writing errors present in their story because it’s a little exhausting for my brain to correct everything for it to make sense but there are so many things to consider as to why such errors exist;

1.) we’re all just humans and we make mistakes, making a few is inevitable, I myself am not perfect, no one is, sometimes when we get so pumped up with inspiration we just type and type and type and look past any error, I’m not a writer so I don’t know any writing process one follows (also everyone has different styles and approach when it comes to writing and editing) some edit on their own and some have beta readers/editors so coming across fics with minimal to maximal errors is bound to happen.2.) we need to consider (and check their profiles or notes) that English must not be their first language, I once came across a very very promising story somewhere out there, the author explicitly stated and apologized for any mistakes because English isn’t her first language, I loved the story but eventually got frustrated and exhausted because I had to correct everything in my head (if you’re anal about fixing/correcting everything you’ll get me) It wasn’t her fault but if someone would help her she’d improve greatly, this applies to everyone, we just need someone who’s brave enough to send constructive criticism that will help us see our faults and room for improvement. (I haven’t checked her stories again, but hopefully, somebody is helping her or she’s studying the language to improve slowly but surely)~ now this is the tricky part I don’t think wanting to correct fics with errors is a basis to call someone unappreciative (well depending on how you approach the authors will dictate whether or not you’re being mean and unappreciative towards them and the pieces they hold dear to them) I know you mean well, it’s like a way of saying I love you and I want you to be better and I’m not being a grammar/spelling/writing police here but I have to that’s why I want to inform you that there are some mistakes on this chapter/line, etc. but then again we all have different personalities and some may take whatever you say lightly or some will get defensive that’s why some just let it go afraid to hurt or piss off the authors. If you really want to reach out and discuss your concerns with them I suggest:a.) before sending in an ask try to check their faq/about/profile/carrd page to see any info that might suggest or say that English isn’t their first language so you could construct a message that wouldn’t sound offending or anything (view some of their answered asks as well to get a feel on how they respond to people and certain topics so you know what to expect) or you could always direct message them if they allow messages from everyone;b.) re-assure them that you mean well, use gentle words because we all have a life to live and we don’t know their current disposition so always be kind with your words;c.) if they retaliate and don’t take your words well then that’s a sign to back-off, as much as I am an advocate for understanding and giving chances if they respond rudely or ignore it may only mean three things;1.) the story (if specific) you’re trying to discuss for possible grammar/spelling correction is probably written a long time ago and they have no intention of revisiting the story, they’re probably inactive too or maybe they have a future plan of remastering said piece.2.) they probably over-analyzed your request/advice, it may take some time for them to respond or just ignore you and correct stuff on their own. (I believe some get anxious whenever someone pays too much attention to every detail on their work, it’s overwhelming like wow somebody read my story but I might have disappointed them with my mistakes, I’ll fix it and do better moving forward)3.) they don’t care, as simple as that either you read their story as is or just drop it if you can’t handle any errors. (but I doubt there are ones like this? especially this concerns their writing because authors always listen to their readers as long as they’re not rude and have only the best intentions as a reader/supporter of their stories)d.) if they respond, try to point out as much as you can without being overbearing, some are still learning and are appreciative of people helping out to polish their pieces, if they don’t have a beta reader/editor and is looking for one you could also offer your help if you’re available or know anyone who is a pro or interested beta reader/editor, plus there are perks when helping them out, one, you gain a new friend, two, you get to hear them out before writing anything, your input matters, and you get to read their works in advance, three, their success is your own too (it’s like giving birth, you could be the doctor/midwife, depending on the amount of input and help you’ve provided)I guess that’s it (at least in my opinion), I think most authors are okay with constructive criticism because it means somebody wants to help them be better, somebody read their works or paid attention to their stories to see those areas where they could improve, somebody wants them to blossom into an amazing but humble author in this side of the fandom ~ my only wish is that when sending such criticism make sure you mean well and it’s for the best and not just simply attacking them instead of helping them be the better and improved version of themselves. and to the authors, if you feel like their request is a little overwhelming it’s okay to take time to respond instead of answering right away without fully understanding their intention but if they’re being rude, harassing you, and feeling entitled in any way, by all means, go fight them, they don’t deserve you and your works!anyways, I wish you the best in trying to help this author out, you are a lovely one for wanting them to be better, may we have more readers like you who’d go out of their way and help authors improve. | 🍒

#answered #tete-a-tete #qq #anon #advice #read more under the cut #I hope I made sense #I'm sure there are more to consider but these are the ones I thought of #I'm actually bad at confrontations because I hate making people feel bad or anything but who else is going to do it? #constructive criticism is essential but always make sure you know your boundaries and be kind with your words #just make sure your words are there to encourage and help them and not criticize and make them feel awful about what they do #do it nicely and make sure your intentions are good ~ after all our goal here is to help improve someone who has great potential :3

[fairycosmos]

babes you always give such good advice and i just need to vent. ive never had any sort of romantic relationship with anyone. like never even talked to a guy while all my friends are in relationships or seeing someone and i can’t help but feel like im unlovable and that im gonna be alone forever even though i know im still young (19) i cant help the feeling that im never gonna have anyone :(( xx

hey angel. honestly i know it's an extremely isolating experience and i can definitely relate to an extent. i think it's really common to feel this way, people just don't like to talk about it bc we all want to be loveable. but you have to try and remember that so much depends on good timing and coincidence, among other things. it's not necessarily a 'you' problem. when you have low self esteem you'll always be inclined to think otherwise, but ultimately romantic validation from others means nothing if it's not based on an actual fulfilling relationship. and those take time to foster and find. you're the same age as me, and it's a weird panicky place to be. but the positive is there's so many people waiting in your future, so much my inevitable change ahead. point is there's too much nuance to truly believe that it's somehow your fault that you're single, as if that's even something to feel guilty about in the first place. of course, it's completely natural to crave intimacy and love. and it's actually really beautiful to be so willing to embrace it, but there's genuinely no rush. i get that relationships are really pushed as the be all end all, we're taught from a young age that everything is leading up to finding your soulmate. but there is so much beyond that. it's way healthier to develop yourself and your own life because then when you do find the right person, you'll be capable of creating a healthy dynamic. you'll be who you need to be in order to fall in love in a sustainable way. look, it just seems like everyone else is dating right now because they settle for shallow connections out of insecurity and fear. a lot of it won't work out. and sure, maybe you just want even the opportunity to meet someone, but again that often depends on factors that are beyond your control. unless you like, get on tindr and actively seek it, though im not sure that would fulfill you in the way you want...... anyway you're allowed to process hurt and disappointment, especially in periods of isolation. but trying to cope in a healthy way, and understanding that self blame (in this context) is a total illusion, will make a difference. you're a bright, warm beautiful person regardless of whether or not anyone's witnessing it in this moment. you are loveable, you have been loved by so many definitions, you are more than you realize. and just because a very specific type of romance is not happening right now, doesn't mean it never will. it's probably hard to truly apply that mindset to your own life if you've spent so long thinking there's something wrong with you because of lack of dating experience, but im telling you straight up that it's normal. it's okay. it doesn't indicate anything about your future, your personality or your worth. it may take some time before you're able to come to terms, and that's alright. there's no rule book and for most people, learning to find assurance from within is a process. but you can work on it every single day, even in little subconscious ways. this is just a moment in your life, and not necessarily a bad one. at some point you may long for the days you were 19, and learning and free. you're always going to be deserving of love and connection regardless of the arbitrary standards you judge yourself by, ok? i hope you feel a bit better about it all soon and that you're able to work on finding confidence and companionship through numerous avenues. let me know if you need a friend or if you want to talk ever. i'll be rooting for you babes 💌 Xx

#💕 it's all so temporary 💘 also thank u for saying i give good advice?? lov u?? #anon

[literaphobe]

hi michelle! so want to start saying that i identify as bi and honestly, I would LOVE it if jake was bi. I think it'd be great. But i'm also okay if he's not, bc how cool is it that they're allowing a man to break down traditional gender norms/roles! i think one of the greatest parts of loving a show like b99 is that it lets us escape the 'real world' for twenty minutes every week. and that means something different for every person watching the show. 1

SO while i believe you are entitled to your own opinions, and you can share them on your blog bc it's yours, i don't think its fair to invite people to share their opinions but shut down anyone who feels differently than you. for example, you said to someone who said they didn't care if jake was bi that you hope they 'get well soon'. also, you posted saying that if bi people didnt want jake to be bi then they're wrong. im sorry but thats really hurtful. you dont get to decide how people think 2

just bc someone feels differently than you doesnt make their feelings less valid, ESPECIALLY someone who identifies as lgbt+. you run a popular blog and it makes me sad to think people might feel their opinions are less valid or wrong bc they see it here. again, im not saying you cant have opinions or post them. but maybe just think about how your words can affect others. also saying this off anon bc i respect you and am open to having a conversation. Thanks for reading, hope u have a good day

hi. thank you for ur mannerly tone and for having the courage to go off-anon.

mlm/bi representation will always be more important than ‘straight man comfortable with his sexuality’. while i am not saying that straight men in media shouldn’t be portrayed as comfortable in their sexualities, the stance that it’s okay to take away representation from people in the lgbt community as long as we have Good Hets is harmful, and it gives people in the tv/movie industries a cop out. they don’t have to give us more lgbt characters! straight characters who Know What’s Up are good enough to make them seem woke and avoid criticism! and whether you’re comfortable with this happening as an lgbt has nothing to do with it. we have to hold the media accountable, we can’t just settle for less. whether you want to watch b99 uncritically or not is entirely up to you. i get that it’s exhausting to analyze the media content you consume! i more than understand just wanting to escape and not ask for more! it’s tiring! it’s draining! it’s disappointing, it hurts so much and it gets so so lonely. but we can’t just let the world stagnate. progress needs to be made constantly, and shows can’t be made to feel like they can just do one or two good things and not be expected to do anything else! i’m not asking you to fight for this, i just want the acknowledgement that this is the right thing to do

i didn’t exactly... invite anyone to say anything. i truly am just sending my thoughts out into the void. and yes, i am aware that my words reach a wider audience because i have a larger than average follower count. of course i know my words can affect others. that’s what i’m trying to do. aside from getting thoughts out my brain, i want to promote a less passive line of thinking. i want lgbt folk to want better for themselves. unfortunately, because words and actions have responses, people will climb into my inbox and start conversations that i inevitably have to take part in (sometimes i don’t though. it really depends on where my head’s at that day. having to discuss this repeatedly is draining). most of the time, i’m just making a statement

i don’t particularly enjoy “shutting down people who feel differently from me”. usually, if i’ve done that, i really am tired because i’ve likely discussed and explained numerous times whatever it is the person who got shut down said to me. i might also come off as mean-spirited or perhaps aggressive if i know some anon is just trying to pick a fight/spew hate at me. if you don’t understand where i’m coming from/don’t believe why having an opposing stance is harmful (this might vary depending on the issue), i am (given i have energy that day) more than willing to elaborate on whatever it is i say here. if i say stuff like ‘get well soon!’ it is a tired response to something i have already covered in depth and i am making some semblance of a joke to deflect/put a lid on the stuff i really want to say (likely because i have already said it) 

i never said that bi people who didn’t want jake to be bi were wrong. i was trying to get them to think deeper and explore why they don’t want that. being lgbt sometimes means that we allow and normalize a lot of unfair treatment. we think that we have it good enough so we decide not to ask for more, to settle. and i will never blame any lgbt for falling victim to this line of thought. we were brought up to think this way, we were conditioned to think this way. acceptance does not equal inclusion, and sadly many of us are so grateful for the acceptance that we do not bother to even think about having inclusion. or, better inclusion, for that matter. of course, it is definitely not up to me to decide how anyone thinks. i’m just trying to convince you! very desperately. but if you don’t agree no matter what i say then what can i do? it’s your life. it doesn’t affect me much in the grand scheme of things. i’m not going to hate you for disagreeing. i’m not going to sic the dogs on you. am i going to be kind of annoyed if someone walks into my inbox, turns on anon, and hurls insults at me? yes, that’s hurtful, and it’s kind of funny sometimes depending on how dumb you sound, but it’s mostly tiring and a lot of pain. so like... read, if u don’t like it, move on, if your well-being is drastically affected from reading the things i say, i’ll tag it so you can blacklist 

the sad thing is, being a member of the lgbt community doesn’t automatically make your opinions on lgbt issues valid/unproblematic. internalized homophobia exists. things i described in the point above can lead to this. just because a bi person says ‘im bi! and i don’t care/don’t think bi jake is important!’ doesn’t mean that suddenly, there is no need for him to be canonically bi, that we aren’t being queerbaited/pandered to by the show. do i think that the show is intentionally/heinously queerbaiting us? not exactly. but lack of awareness and lacking understanding on why bi-coding jake w no intention to make it canon is just as harmful bc it produces the same result (in jake’s case)

once again, i don’t intend for people to feel “less valid/wrong” when they read what i have to say on this blog. self-reflection is important. sometimes, people have opinions that are wrong! including myself! which is why more often than not i think deeply into the things people say to me here and consider whether my opinion holds up. you don’t have to feel bad for being wrong. we are all constantly wrong on stuff. everyone, at some point, has had a bad take/the wrong take on something. if you hold yourself up to this standard that you must always be right or you are suddenly a horrible person/must feel bad and demoralized, i suggest that you change your approach to issues such as this. i hate to say this but it is not my job to make sure everyone is 100% cool and chill about everything i do and say here. some things need to be said. some things need to be acknowledged. i’m sorry if any of you have been hurt/upset by anything i’ve ever posted but after a certain point... that is your issue and not mine 

#ask #ncrit #sorry for the long post #thank you once again for being respectful #i hope this wasn't too harsh #i hope you have a nice day too :) #arnie-santiago

[lightrivals]

so . endgame . this is gonna be a spoiler filled review so pls skip this if u haven’t watched it!! forewarning: this is a relatively positive review and I’m a tony stan so if you disliked the movie / tony stark and want to find more ppl like you, you are not gonna find it here but I am gonna critique a few things too bc there were issues to be addressed. also, while this is a Hot Také™️ opinion piece that doesn’t mean I lack the ability to understand or even agree with the opposing opinions; this is just what I came out the theater with and still think about after discussion with others.

Anyway let’s begin!

Personally, Endgame gave me great closure for one of my favorite characters. I’m extremely Tony biased like, to a very extreme degree but he’s a character I connect with who has personally helped me through the years with his story so I think my attachment and bias can be excused a little. Even with that bias, I believe I can also understand other characters without the “I Love Tony Stark So Much” goggles shaping what I see. This is also gonna focus on the main six because this movie is dedicated to them, but all the other characters were awesome and I enjoyed their cameos/presence.

I’m gonna talk about Tony first because he’s my main focus for being so invested in the MCU. I’ve been watching the MCU since it started and 11 years later, seeing my favorite character, a character I connected with so much especially because of IM3 where he had anxiety and panic attacks like I was having at the time / still have (to a lesser degree though), die hurts so much. I could not stop crying in about the last hour when I knew he was gonna die. I’ve said it before on this site that the logical conclusion for his story is death. The only way Tony is gonna leave the armor as he’s been trying to since Avengers 1 is to die. He IS Iron Man, Iron Man is HIM, there is no difference. The only way Iron Man is over is if his life ends, too. So with that I figured this would be the end for him. I’ve been thinking he’s gonna die since Infinity War so, his death was not too much of a surprise. It still hurt like hell to see it happen, to know he’s truly gone. What hurts the most is that Morgan Stark will never truly know her father personally. She’s too young to remember much but at least she has his legacy surrounding her and loving her, knowing her father exchanged his life for her and everyone else on Earth to live freely. I did like that Tony got to see his dad one last time while he was a father himself. He got to come to terms with his dad in a way he never could before. RDJ’s acting was on point in this movie and I love him for what he’s done with Tony Stark.

I also want to point out the talk between Tony and Steve when Tony returns. I found this conversation to be very vital in addressing the issues between the two and why they possibly lost in Infinity War. I’ve said this before but the obvious thing is that the Avengers probably stood a chance against Thanos if they weren’t all split up thanks to the events of Civil War. Steve said they would fight together and lose together but as Tony points out, they didn’t lose together. They lost separately and Tony was stranded from Earth in space miles away for a month starving and dying. He had foreseen what was gonna happen and tried his best to achieve protection—his armor around the world plan—but the others merely chided him for it and then fought each other because of the consequences of not wanting that particular armor. And then they lost in the end, separated and Tony is torn. He is damaged and weak and sick and tired, he was nearly murdered and he lost the kid in turn. It is a sad moment and I was very happy it wasn’t immediate apologies when Tony arrived. The others had a month to reconcile but Tony was still dealing with what he faced alone with only Nebula and the ashes of Peter in his mind. I really enjoyed that conversation and found it to be a really good prelude to how the rest of the movie would pan out. When he took off the arc reactor and shoved it at Steve and told Steve to run and hide, gave Steve the armor and told him to do something about it…powerful stuff right there.

Now about Tony’s death: I think it was really important for him to do the final snap of ending Thanos’ war. He and Thanos have been the two at odds with each other this entire time. We know it’s going to eventually end up being him against Thanos like it was in Infinity War. But when he took the stones from Thanos and said “I am Iron Man” in retaliation to Thanos claiming he was inevitable!! Thanos is always gonna come but as long as Tony is Iron man, he will be defeated. Tony is the one who can save the universe and I think it’s also super important that he uses the most dangerous weapon ever. Tony protects the world with weapons, he started off profiting from it, but grows throughout the movies to eventually be trusted to use the most powerful weapon in the universe to save it. The Avengers trust him to use it for good and he trusts them to deal with the stones afterwards. It’s beautiful, it so beautiful. He dies with two families: his biological/iron fam and his superhero family. He dies trusting them to carry on not only his legacy but the legacy of Earth, of the Avengers, of avenging the universe in full. He is Iron Man and he finally gets to rest. He gets to put down the armor and save the universe like he’s been trying for years with the Avengers’ trust backing him up. Personally, I believe this is the hero death Tony deserved. He used to be a man who was feared for the destruction he caused and he went through a deep and thorough redemption and self-realizations to then be trusted to use the most destructive weapon for the greater good.

Now on to Thor and Bruce, two characters who I have an issue with in terms of their characterization. Thor’s dealing with a lot of shit. Understandable as hell; his story is probably the most dark given he has no living family anymore. Tony got lucky and his loved ones, Peter aside, survived. Thor lost everyone. He killed Thanos, he went for the head, but still didn’t win. His depression, anxiety, and PTSD is so valid. What I hate is that he didn’t get the same treatment in Endgame Tony got in IM3. Yes, Thor’s is a lot darker of a situation but he didn’t need to be the brunt of jokes. I understand that he is over 1000 years old and in the grand scheme of things, this moment in time is a blink and a bit of a sick joke. I understand that he falls back into his old Viking ways of alcoholism and whatnot. It’s totally understandable but I will always be disappointed in how it was approached. They still could have been humor and jokes without resorting to petty insults. I am glad though that his weight gain did not suddenly disappear. The way the Russo’s went about presenting it was insulting and demeaning but I feel it’s important as well to show that his weight gain wasn’t gonna suddenly disappear now that he’s back to being the mighty Thor.

Bruce was…okay I like Professor Hulk. I think it’s important that Bruce come to terms with his Hulk nature but the point of Hulk is that he’s angry and he unleashes it with smashing and I was just. Expecting more Hulk smash and still that dichotomy even if Bruce has come to terms with being Hulk. The thing I like is that Bruce, who was always scared of his persona as Hulk killing people got to bring back billions of lives as Hulk instead of taking those lives away. Anyway, I had that small beef with Hulk but it wasn’t as much as say against Thor. Bruce’s humor was lighter and not as insulting, it was a refreshing continuation of his Ragnarok/Infinity War characterization.

Speaking of Ragnarok, let’s talk Loki. Loki is my second favorite character and let’s be real, all Loki stans were basically expecting more out of Endgame when it came to this character. I figured he would be in flashbacks but I was hoping still maybe it would be more?? I said before that perhaps Tony breaks Loki out to get the tesseract and I mean, that did kinda happen. But at least we know we have a divergent 2012 timeline and this is probably where the Loki TV show is gonna be set. I’m definitely interested in seeing what happens in that alternate universe but we won’t see that for another two years so, just a big sigh. And also I’ve seen on twitter at least people upset that Thor didn’t talk to Loki when he went back to Asgard. Loki and Thor were at odds and not friends during The Dark World. I don’t think Thor talking to Loki would have done anything important, it wouldn’t have changed anything and it certainly wouldn’t have helped him with his task of getting the Aether from Jane. While it would have been nice to see more Loki when Thor went back to 2013, I think what we did see was the most that could have happened while Thor was also dealing with seeing his mother again.

On the topic of Loki, he seems to like go about as Steve, huh? I thought it was a cute nod to the scene from TDW (I cant remember if it was deleted or not I haven’t seen that movie in years lol) when he shape shifted into Steve to taunt the Avengers. Cheeky Loki is great and so is cheeky Steve. “I could do this all day” and “Yeah, I know, I know.” The Steve vs Steve fight was also really cool. I was surprise he used the mind stone to stop himself though? And I thought it was funny when he said “hail hydra” to get by with the scepter. Now onto Steve’s whole time loop. I am disgruntled but also weirdly okay with how that all ended. I am not anti-Steve in any manner but his MCU characterization is not on my personal top list of Cap storylines. I’ve seen someone say this before and I found I kinda agreed with it. Steve’s progression is becoming more and more selfish when it comes to keeping his family safe while in parallel Tony’s progression is becoming more and more selfless when it comes to keeping his own family safe. Very different takes on how to protect family, but I think it would be wrong to ignore that part of Steve’s story. He will do any and everything to keep Bucky alive at his side, to keep Sam safe, to keep the integrity of the Avengers alive even at the cost of his personal freedom. He wants, no needs, to have his family with him. He will risk damaging relations with everyone else to keep them save. That’s admirable.

That being said, Steve going back in time to be with Peggy is a pathetic conclusion even if I can come to terms with it. In my opinion, Steve is the only Avenger righteous enough to be able to go back to the past to fulfill his own timeline and not do anything about what is coming next. He takes a huge risk in staying back in time to be with Peggy; letting Hydra infiltrate SHIELD is one thing he could not change. No matter what, Thanos is coming. He is inevitable. But Tony is Iron Man, and Tony can only be Iron Man in the first place if he gets kidnapped in Afghanistan. This only happens because of Obadiah’s jealousy and greed, which comes out of Tony becoming CEO of Stark Industries after his parent’s premature deaths. Their premature deaths only happen because Bucky became the Winter Soldier and was brainwashed to kill them. These things have to happen in order for Thanos to be defeated so Steve has to keep these things alive. This also means he has to marry Peggy after he crashed in the ice so there are two Steve’s in the universe, one who is Peggy’s husband and another who is Captain America. He gets the future he always wanted and the superhero story he was born to be a part of. The biggest pieces of bullshit about this storyline is 1) Peggy being used as nothing but someone for Steve to lust over 2) Steve coming back somehow in the end as an old guy. You could sort of explain point 2 by saying old Steve always existed so it’s not actually disrupting the timeline, things are always supposed to be this. You know how in some time travel movies the present/future happens bc someone went back into the past and their actions caused it? Maybe Steve is something like that. I know they explained that it creates a split timeline but if old Steve is always there then it’s not a split timeline it’s just the regular timeline. It still doesn’t explain why old Steve was right there with the Avengers after they sent 2023 Steve to the past. Major plot hole. Also I don’t think him leaving Bucky in 2023 is a plot hole; Bucky has to live his life post being Hydra’s Winter Soldier and without Steve’s shadow over him. It’s gonna be great to see Bucky working with a new Captain America and forming a friendship with Sam.

Side note: I am so pleased about Falcon!Cap that is what I’ve wanted for years in mcu now and it’s here! That is definitely something I am grateful for in all of this. Another thing I liked is Valkyrie becoming the Queen of Asgard and Thor exploring the galaxy with the Guardians. Also Pepper in the Rescue suit, that made me super excited! Seeing all the ladies team up was very fun.

Anyway, on to the last two of the main six Avengers: Clint and Natasha. I think I saw some people upset about Natasha’s death…she was in a very dark place mentally but her sacrifice for her family to live on is just as important as Tony’s. They both exchanged their lives to save the universe and so her death was not pointless at all. It also is a great show of how much Clint loved her, how much he risked to save her and indict her into SHIELD after he was sent to off her all those years ago. As she said in Avengers, they all have blood on their hands, some more than others. This was her way of returning the lives she took just as Tony has done the same by snapping away Thanos’ army at the cost of his life. She was the soul they needed for these three Avengers—Natasha, Bruce, and Tony—who have taken many lives with their own hands if not just obscene amounts of violence, to reverse the Snap and save the universe. Clint can be included actually but since he was Ronin when he was slaying people for revenge I put that separate from when he returned to the Avengers.

MCU Clint isn’t my fave Avenger, both because of Renner and because of his characterization. But Endgame made me like him more, especially in the first five minutes or so as he taught his daughter archery and connected with his family. That was a beautiful opening scene and it wrenched my heart to see his family get dusted away. His dark turn was kinda corny imo I mean, the whole badass punk hipster vibe was funny but I really liked seeing him and Natasha interacting and being friends again. I’m glad he had a sword because while bow and arrow comes in handy, the battle requires close combat and he definitely was gonna get killed if he didn’t have something more than arrows.

Also the quantum realm suits grew on me…they are still ugly but it’s a tolerable ugly now.

AH! important point: Nebula’s storyline! I really liked how she had to literally kill her past self in order to keep herself and her sister alive. That side plot of Nebula battling herself was great and allowed for nice growth of her character and how her past self tried to sabotage her future.

Final point is that I enjoyed the movie for what it is: a beautiful close to the story of the Infinity Saga. It is meant to be a homage to the fans who have seen all the movies, who have followed the MCU for as long as they could. I don’t think this is meant to be for casual viewers, not that you can’t watch casually, but you definitely have to watch knowing what happened before. They don’t introduce Captain Marvel or Antman’s Quantum realm stuff much. It’s probably confusing if you haven’t seen Captain Marvel or the Antman movies. You’re expected to know what came before and I mean, it makes sense. Money making franchise or not, there’s a lot going on in this movie and taking the time to introduce new things over and over is not worth it.

tl;dr: Endgame is the story about end of the two who started the MCU, Tony Stark and Steve Rogers. I think you could even say that Steve stuck by Tony’s side until the end of the line. The two leaders of the Avengers, side by side and trusting each other again to get the job done. That is the Endgame because part of the journey is the end and doing whatever it takes to get there. My final thought (before rewatch because lbr, I will most likely watch again) is that I am very grateful for the chance to love Tony Stark as I have, to love him 3000 and 3000 times more and more. I love you, Tony Stark. You can rest now, my love. The universe is indeed safe in your hands~

#mcu #marvel #endgame #avengers endgame #avengers endgame spoilers #tony stark #iron man #steve rogers #captain america #infinity saga #yams rambles #thor #bruce banner #hulk #natasha romanov #black widow #clint barton #hawkeye #ronin #loki #loki laufeyson #the stark gauntlet dream of mine came true #same with falcon cap and the rescue suit #i love tony stark to the end of the world and beyond

[noctomania]

A Lesson To Learn From James Charles

He is by no means a unique situation regardless of sexuality. And by no means is this intended as an excuse for his actions because there is no excuse, it’s a matter, in my perspective, of prioritization. Mind you I have not consumed really any of his content only snippets of him here and there, but what I have seen is very reflective of what I have seen in others. It’s also confusing because he is selfish and self-absorbed, but that does not mean he values himself. There is a distinct difference between the two and i think it’s common for people to conflate the two. Valuing one’s self requires a certain level of empathy which he lacks. When you lack that empathy you will engage in selfish behavior and conceded perspective, and prioritize desires over other’s, and your own, basic needs.

Here is the thing. When you put relationships or sex on a pedestal, you are prioritizing it. When you prioritize something, you deem it more important than anything else. This, in turn, can effect your ability to, or your focus on, empathy. Empathy is essential to being able to respect others, their boundaries, and allow yourself to grow.

From what i have seen of James is that he seemed to hone in a lot on the “forever alone” trope. This train of thought has become signature for people who tend to make it seem like they are some how a victim or been unjustly registered as “undeserving” of a relationship. Mind you - I used to be quite like this myself. I have also known people myself who were the same way, and they actually too made me uncomfortable by not respecting my own boundaries. What happens though, is that when you take on this type of mindset- the one that frames yourself as unjustly damned to being single and that you’re suffering simply because nobody is dating you - is you are only hurting yourself and in a number of ways. First being that you are setting yourself up for disaster. Second being that you are telling everyone else that you can’t stand to be with yourself - so why should anyone else want to? And lastly as i said before you are neglecting your empathy which can in turn cause you to do really uncalled for and harmful things to others, because in your mind you have a right when you actually do not.

To expand on the first note, when you entertain the “forever alone” shit, you are in fact setting yourself up for the worst kind of reaction when the inevitable happens. No relationship - whether purely sex-based and/or romantic- is a guarantee success. You simply cannot go into it thinking that way. There is always potential that things will not work out and it is not really anyone’s fault, people just don’t always jive together that way. And if you take into account the split attraction model it can clarify why you thought there was potential when there wasn’t. It could be yall would just make really great friends, just not lovers. And that is more than okay and should not be thought of as “less than” a romantic and/or sexual relationship.

When someone breaks it off with you in that sense, and you allow yourself to fall into the “I KNEW THIS WOULD HAPPEN BC NOBODY LOVES ME”, you are willingly throwing away all the good that is still there simply because you didn’t get what you want - and that would turn anyone off any kinda relationship with you platonic or otherwise. I know this because I’ve been there, before I understood all this truly. I understand the heartache that can come from things not working out how you wanted them to, but you could either choose to destroy potential friendship, or you could choose to moderate your heartache and understand that it isn’t necessarily a reflection of you so much as just a basic part of the process. If you take the first choice, it is a rash one and setting yourself up for even more disaster and advertising to those around you that you can’t handle the basic processes of seeking a relationship and dealing with disappointment. Also that you can’t seem to stand being alone.

Your entire life, you are the one who spends the most time with yourself. When you obsess over finding someone to be with, you are procrastinating being alone with yourself. You run the risk of smothering someone, you make it seem necessary to have someone desire you at all times and gauge your self-worth on that. Sure having a partner can be a good time, but when you prioritize it over everything else you are simultaneously not only degrading the value of your own self-love but also the love of your friends and family. Mind you, there is a lot of societal stigma to being single - i know this first hand. You are absolutely treated differently. Even by your friends sometimes. I’ve known several people who couldn’t stand to be alone and they were ritually the opposite of sunshine friends. So sunshine friends are around when things are great and when you’ve down they disappear. The opposite i’m referring to when a friend is only around when they are broken up with or single and use you as a temporary placeholder for the time they would be spending with a partner. Then when they find someone knew to date suddenly they are unavailable as a friend. That is not a good friend, and that is not how you show you value someone’s time. It also becomes clear that you aren’t really thinking of others as much as you are thinking about yourself.

Empathy is an essential foundational component to building any relationship whether platonic or otherwise. If it’s just all about you, you will inevitably neglect their needs, and prioritize not only your needs but your desires over their basic needs. We can see this pretty clearly in how James treated the straight boys he pressured. Instead of respecting their boundaries and who they are, he prioritized his desire for them to not only be available to him but also to desire him. In turn he rejected their identity that they respectfully presented to him after clear reflection, and turned around and made himself out to be a victim simply because they didn’t give him what he wanted. If he had empathy he would swallow his ego, accept them, and move on with himself and heal himself. Nobody owes you a relationship - full stop. That is something you need to earn, and even if you have earned it that doesn’t mean it would work out. Like I said before, some people just don’t jive. Just because you’re there doesn’t guarantee they will be, and that is part of empathy. Your experience and feelings are not universal. Reflect on it. Think how you would feel if someone told you straight up that you are lying about who you are. Gas-lighting you. After you spent time experimenting, reflecting, researching, etc. Demeaning what you feel and think and know about yourself. Manipulating you to make you believe that valuing yourself is an offense to them. It’s not okay and nobody should ever be made to feel that way.

Nobody will know you better than yourself. Even if you can’t stand to be alone with yourself you will still know yourself better than anyone else. Like i said before, you spend the most time with yourself than anyone else. Nobody is in your head more than you. In my perspective it is worth accepting that inevitable fact and leaning into it so that you get to know yourself better, come to value yourself and being with yourself more, and don’t chalk your self-worth up to how many people/whether someone will desire you. James had it all: fame, family, friends, wealth, and also likely had many followers who did desire him. He didn’t value it though and when he didn’t get one thing or one person that he wanted he acted in uncalled for ways. In the past I have also acted out unjustly because I got hurt. Mind you I don’t have what James does, but I still felt entitled enough to offend. Now that I’ve grown and made myself stop prioritizing being in a relationship, I’ve come to recognize how harmful those actions were. Take rejection with grace and do not feed into the desire to hurt others just because you feel hurt. Break that cycle. Being rejected or broken up with is not ever a unique experience as hard as that may be to hear. It doesn’t entitled you to infringe on other’s basic rights. It entitled you to getting drunk, eating a pint of ice cream, and/or dancing to your favorite nostalgic music in your underwear at 3am. When you hurt the only way to properly combat that is self care, not harm to others.

Anyway i’m still in recovery from my cold so i think im gonna wrap it there. Just always take the opportunity to learn from other’s mistakes so that you do not replicate them or continue a vicious cycle. Give yourself permission to grow up. What is right is not always going to be easy, but in the long run will be best for all involved. Do your part to lessen the damage to yourself and others.

[the-moon-god-sin]

I’m sad as shit bro

Okay so I’ve told the people I’ve cared about about my suicide attempts but I’ve never really talked about it in depth and I’m uh I just feel like I should.

There’s been a few times where I thought I would do something or when I got things out to see what it might be like but I didn’t ever really try until I was in the army. (And please if somehow someone from my unit reads this I am not suicidal anymore and as far as the army knows never have been please don’t report me my career is very important to me)

In 2012 my dad spent all of my freshman year in rehab for alcoholism only to get out of it and get drunk and wait for me after every single game the next season and keep me up til he passed out making me watch film on the game and telling me how much I fuckin sucked and why couldn’t I be better bc he invested so much time and money into me only to be a disappointment. When he finally found out I was having a kid bc I was too afraid to tell him he grabbed me out of my bed at 3 am took off his belt and hit me with it til I couldn’t stand and I just took it bc he scares the shit out of me. He told me how stupid I was and how much this was going to cost him. I loaded his shot gun that weekend but was too afraid to do anything I just looked at it. I didn’t see come home a whole lot after that. Things eventually got better, he doesn’t drink as much and he didn’t hit me after I turned 17 but the not being good enough for him continued up until maybe 3 weeks ago.

In the army I just uh, Idk. I get alone and down and feel like I’m not good enough as a soldier or as a man. So after our first ntc rotation (national training center) I had performed like shit and didn’t do well at all and everyone made fun of me for being a fuck up the entire two week long training op and I just like I had fuckin had it I was so done with this shit. I was 19 and I was done with my life. I didn’t have any rope but I had some like wire stuff so I like idk made a thing out of it it wasn’t a noose more like just a fuckin Loop that would work and I didn’t know exactly where to put it but on movies it’s always somewhere like the ceiling fan. I didn’t have one so but I have a light fixture and I thought it would hold me so I spent like 15 minutes trying to feed this fucking thing I made between the ceiling and this light fixture and after I got it around I got on my chair and just like hopped off.. well the fucking light came out of the ceiling and I fell back on the chair and bout busted my head open on the bed and broke the chair and It hurt a lot and I was fuckin mad too mad to even think about hurting myself. That next week we had a competition to see who was the best in the company and I won it..

In September of that year, 3 months after the first attempt Bre decided I wasn’t good enough for her. And I went on a month long bender. During this bender I started dating Mariah. Horrible decision, horrible couple. I met meg shortly after and if I’d been single it’d been her all the way and I feel like my life would be different but inevitably I’d of failed and it wouldn’t have changed me at all bc it wouldn’t have mattered as much to me then or to her. Anyway, over the next few months my pops died suddenly during this time and that hit me really hard. Everything was fucked up and uh yeah I was in a bad place and I decided fuck it.. we went to a range to qualify with our rifles and I went to the portajohn and sat down loaded a round put the gun in my mouth (which was surprisingly uncomfortable and awkward) I pulled the trigger and it didn’t move so I fuckin pressed harder and harder and i was thinking maybe I’m just too nervous, my hearts racing, maybe I’m freezing up. It didn’t go off and I pulled it out of my mouth.

I’m such a fuck up that my stupid ass left the safety on and that’s literally the only thing that saved me. It was a moment of clarity. I stood on the ledge and the wind scared me type thing. I wanted to live.

Bout 6 months later were at a range and I was sitting there thinking again that I wasn’t worth breathing and I remembered something, there was a young woman named Megan who was interested in me..

Things changed drastically by the time I came home and she saved my life and is the reason I don’t even think about doing it myself anymore. There are times where I put myself in terrible situations in hopes of getting hurt or dying but she’s the reason that I don’t think about ending my life anymore. I could never do that to her.

She’s gone and I don’t think I’ll ever see her again but dammit she put love in my life. Actual real love, and losing her has made me turn my life around.

Megan you saved me in so many ways, I’m sorry for so many things but I’ll be damned if I don’t try for you til I die

[yannfredericks]

prolly in the voldemort!au anon again. since there’s only one house in the voldemort!au, how would polly feel about hogwarts and voldemort and being in “””slytherin”””/voldemort’s house? how would her relationship with her parents in the voldemort!au be different from her relationship with her parents in the normal world? i think the contrast is interesting bc in the normal world is overt and noticeable that polly is distinctly different from her parents, whereas in the voldemort!au, (1/2)

(2/2) for all her parents know, she’s just like them with the same values and core principals (for voldemort and valor, right?) how would she feel about them in the voldemort!au and how would those feelings differ from her feelings towards them in the normal world? i feel like i’m asking the same question like a million times but i love family dynamics in this fandom so much and i’m always eager to hear more about characters we don’t know much about lol

Hmmm this is really interesting to consider!! I think in all versions of her, Polly is apprehensive about Hogwarts and quite nervous but for slightly different reasons. I think that in the dark au going to Hogwarts and getting to be in voldemort’s house would be considered an honour and i definitely think Polly’s parents see it that way. However, I think there is a feeling in her gut that there’s something not quite right about it, whether that be bc her parents are so supportive of it or bc she knows instinctively that voldemort is wrong.

Hogwarts is a scary place to Polly, it’s where she’s either going to prove everyone wrong or fail more spectacularly than ever, and the stakes with this are never higher than in the dark au. You’re exactly right, there’s no way for her parents to know that she’s different from them here and she doesn’t take this for granted, in a way I think she finds it comforting bc even to herself she feels more like she’s living up to what they expect of her.                                          

Yann plays a massive part in her character development and is the main person who encourages and inspires her to be a better person, but she doesn’t have him in the dark au. Yann’s parents were a Hufflepuff and a Gryffindor and despite the fact that hogwarts now only has one house, this fact is not lost on Polly’s parents who made sure they squashed any blossoming friendship between them before it could take hold. So I think that Polly hasn’t really had the chance to develop and process thoughts of her own in the dark au like she has in the real world which makes her less scornful of her parents than she is in the present, though deep down she deeply resents them for the lonely, loveless life they’ve made for her. Her doubts I think can be seen when she notices the blood on her shoes but brushes it off with “it’s like the aurgery insists…” its like she’s trying to convince herself, but these are clearly not her thoughts. (she also notices something is off with Scorpius and i think that gives her hope but…not relevent here)

I think, in both worlds, Polly’s real issue is that her parents do not love her unconditionally and she is well aware of that and it hurts. The difference is that in the dark au she tries her best to do whatever it takes to make them ‘love’ her bc she has no one else, whereas in the real world she’s fully aware of their bullshit and has Yann and Craig (and Karl, eventually) to help her see her worth and she refuses to conform to what they want. In the dark au her parents are pleased with her, though never as proud as she would like them to be, but constantly find something to complain about. In the real world they’re very disappointed in her, from a young age they doubted her abilities and she seems to disappoint them ever more. They mostly just look down their nose at her and shake their head, she’s a lost cause to them.

So she never has a good, close relationship with her parents bc they had her more as an heir and they view her more as decoration or a play thing than a person. The difference is that in the dark au she feels powerless to step away from them and take control of her own life whereas in the real world she has friends who love and support her in turning her back on them. The whole voldemort thing introduces a lot of complicated politics, but it ultimately comes down to whether or not Polly feels able to take control of herself, which inevitably involves stepping away from her parents.

Thank you so much for asking and sorry for rambling a bit, I hope I’ve answered this to your liking, but it is a very difficult thing for me to articulate! I love your questions though and am always happy to chat! :)

#anon #polly chapman #harry potter and the cursed child #this is super interesting to think about so thank you so much for asking!! #sorry i take so long to answer its a lot to think about! #voldy-non

[seacreek]

I don't want to write anything where irl friends would see (no one is gonna see this here anyway) but I need to get this out of me.

Liiiikeeeee

I was (am?) literally the most suicidal I've ever been in my life today (is today over if it's 2 am?) and not only can I tell that to NO ONE, but it's like God was fucking rubbing it my face all day. I actually laughed at one point bc I was driving behind someone thinking of whether I should try to do it at home or somewhere else when I noticed their license plate said KYS and then a mashup of my birthday numbers.

But like I've already been feeling this building bc I'm behind on bills and have no heat and it's gonna snow soon and it's the holidays which remind me that my family is all spread out and I don't really talk to my parents anymore and somedays I talk to no one at all but my cat and my life is going NOWHERE with no way to change that but to work myself even harder when I don't even feel like I have anything at all to give anymore.

And I already felt like calling out bc even though I chose to work Thanksgiving yesterday knowing I'd be the only one there, it was still depressing to know that normal people are with friends and family and I'm not. But I also didn't want to take up my neighbors/friends on their offers to join them bc I did that last year and got all the questions about what I was doing with my life and at the time I actually believed I'd be going back to school the next year but now I realize how I can't possibly afford that without accepting help from someone which would BE my neighbors bc my parents would not help and I can't pay for it alone. And I can't accept help from them bc I feel like I would just get overwhelmed and depressed and flunk out and waste their money anyway. And the other reason I couldn't go over there/can't is bc I already feel like such a burden to them. They do all this nice stuff for me all the time and I catch myself even EXPECTING it at times which is fucking disgusting. Even if I'm grateful and say thank you, it's not like they owe me anything just bc I have no one else to give it to me. So I need to stop accepting their help and gifts, but then I know they are judging me for that bc even though their really nice, they are also super judgmental and they really like me bc they think I have "potential", but if they knew that I'm actually just a natural born idiot and failure, they'd never want to talk to me in the first place. And also it's unhealthy probably how much I rely on their validation bc since I've known them since I was little, I'm almost using them as surrogate parents which is also fucked up bc they are not my parents, they have their own kids who actually have their lives together unlike me who is just like a pet project of theirs.

Soooo anyway I already had all this on my mind and more going into work today and when I get there, I look at the schedule and realize everyone called out but me!!!!

And so I had to make a frankenstein schedule out of all of theirs to prioritize what needed to get done and was still trying to do little favors for people in between that I didn't want to disappoint bc it wasn't their fault that their staff wasn't there to do it with them and it was getting super overwhelming. And then I'm super sensitive so when I'd have to tell someone that I COULDN'T do something extra for them that they really were looking forward to, it was already punching me in the gut to see their disappointment. But then the worst part is that they don't fully get that I'm not just choosing to do that out of spite, but I legitimately had negative amounts of time to get everything done so they would blame me for what I couldn't do for them. EVEN THOUGH I WAS WORKING LIKE 4 SCHEDULES IN 1. Like they don't have the capacity to think past what's in front of them sometimes which I understand it's not their fault, but it SUCKS bc then they are pissed at me even though I'm running around like a chicken with its head cut off trying to do everything for everyone and keep them all happy and they should really be annoyed with my coworkers who didn't come in but I didn't even throw them under the bus bc it wouldn't have mattered anyway. I'm the person in front of them who is "refusing to do what they ask" so it's my fault.

So that's how my day is going everywhere I go as I rush from person to person and place to place, answering calls, improvising on the spot, and constantly having to tell someone that whatever they had planned on today isn't possible and dealing with the result of that. And the WHOLE TIME I am DAYDREAMING about how I'm gonna kill myself when I get home. Maybe slit my wrists, wait no my leg because I know I'll chicken out on the wrists, wait no, I'll drive out to the ocean and just swim out until I'm drowning too far out to save myself, wait no, what bridges could I jump from let me google that, wait no, I could take all of the pills at home together but then I might throw them up so wait no, maybe I'll drag this out and just not eat or drink til I just die nah that takes too long etc etc etc. And I'm really thinking this is gonna happen tonight bc I already wrote a letter monday or tuesday and I'm sure they'll find that pretty fast when they look in my journals so I don't even have to worry about that part, just the doing. So I'm contemplating my end of life and getting more anxious and sad with every hour passing bc I'm really thinking this is it, this is the day I'm out. But really I keep getting caught up bc my CAT who is sadly the one being on earth that I love who could never understand, is at home. And I'm thinking about how if I kill myself while she's there and it takes time for people to realize I'm missing/find me, she will be sad/hungry/thirsty in the meantime. Which is so unecessary and all of my suicide plans get scrapped if they involve direct trauma of another being and she's the one that means the most, so how could I be so selfish as to not make a plan for her?

So I'm thinking of how I have to sneak her to my sister's place while she's still at work and that's stressful enough but more so bc then I'll have a time limit on getting this done bc as soon as she comes home and sees kaiya there without me and no explanation, she'll start blowing up my phone and when I don't answer, she'll call someone. And I don't want to do that in a pressured state, I need time to process everything and think about life and what I'm doing. Plus, what if I decide not to??? (Which is what ended up happening for tonight anyway) I would've done all that for nothing and then had to confess when she found kaiya anyway and have to go to a psych ward or something which would just ruin my life faster but make it harder to get out.

So I'm thinking ALL this ALL day while working my ass off yet still disappointing everyone and swallowing tears that would turn into sobs every hour until it's time to go home.

Then I drive home and even though I pray to God to send me some sign that he cares, he doesn't.

At this point, I've already lost the fire under me so I know this is another night where I just get through it, cuddle kaiya, and wake up the next day to do it all over and I've accepted that in a way.

Then 1 am rolls around and my sister calls me to say she stopped by a party where she ran into my old best friend and friends from high school. None of whom cared enough about me to even ask what I was up to these days, even though they were talking to my SISTER. And that whole growing apart thing took such a toll on me mentally and I do feel like I'm over it now these days, but it still brought up these gross sad feelings of when I was first realizing that they didn't really care about me anymore and then fully understanding that I didn't matter to them. Which hurt SO MUCH bc they were a ride or die for me, like I would have done anything for them and I never even DOUBTED they didn't feel the same until it was so obvious I had to stop pretending around it. And that fucked with ALL of my relationships with people. Every single friend I had, I started pulling away from bc I was so insecure in myself that I felt like I had to get away from them before they had the chance to drop me which I now felt was inevitable. To this day, I feel like I have a body count of of people that I desperately want to talk to, but don't let myself bc I feel like they don't deserve to have to put up with a person as shitty and worthless as me. And I do that in every possible relationship I have, platonic, romantic, and even familial. And I can't blame them for that bc they were just a normal person growing apart from someone I guess, but I think it triggered something laying dormant in me so badly that it was actually the catalyst for my inability to connect with other people in meaningful ways. I never meet a new person anymore with the belief that they will be in my life for more than a few years at most. Most people I expect to be gone within a week or two. My walls are up so high that it's actually selfish that I even talk to people at all bc I only end up hurting them when I pull away for seemingly no reason at all. And I'm too much of a coward to tell them that there's nothing wrong with them, I just can't get that close to people anymore. Like it actually makes me physically sick to think of carrying on normal relationships with people which is SO fucked. But then I turn into the villain bc I'm worried that they'll develop the same fear of people and I'll be the cause of it. Like I'm a vampire. But I isolate myself and then get to a certain point where I think "I'll try again!! And this time will be different!! I'll really have someone new in my life!" And then I am super friendly and doing my best to be good and making plans and whatever. But then I start getting that sick feeling again, like what if what if they just haven't realized how much I suck and how disappointing I am yet, they'll definitely realize it soon and I come up with some random specific reason why they'd actually hate me if they knew "THIS" about me and I start detaching myself and then flake on plans and then disappear. And then spend weeks worrying myself sick that I permanently damaged their trust in people!!! But then I get lonely again and the pattern starts again!! All traced back to this moment in time where it actually hit me that people's affection for you can disappear in the blink of an eye no matter how much you thought they cared about you. So clearly love is conditional and just that thought alone is enough to make me want to end it all!!

So yea, just a shit day with shit cherries and cream on top.

And now it's 3am and I have to wake up in 5 hrs to do this again.

And all of this is still something no one will know if or until it comes spilling out and then my life will either be changed forever or over.

But yea, drew that lion the other day.