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#and thus you form a stronger and closer bond while doing so
what-the-fic-khr · 2 months
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Hello I hope this ask finds you well! Happy to see the tea prompts again bc they’re so so so cute 🫖🥹
I have a fewww ideas.. bc I just love everything about your writing and I’m curious about your take on rooibos tea w/ Squalo orrr earl grey w/ Hibari (I absolutely adore the way you characterize himshdnshdjdh)
If neither of those suit your fancy, matcha tea with any character that comes to mind for ya? I’m excited to see your posts floating around again and know I’ll continue to love anything you pen for us🫧🤍
waaaaah thank you so much for your kind words, I appreciate it so greatly!!! I chose to do both because I’m in the mood to, and I’m so thankful for the support! I hope these are to your liking!
character/s: superbi squalo, hibari kyoya, reader-insert (gender-neutral)
word count: —
warnings: huh. nothing for once
prompt: tea prompts (rooibos tea, earl grey tea)
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rooibos tea; what’s their favourite thing to do with their s/o?
Squalo’s either a huge fan of resting or hates it entirely. for the sake of this, it’s not resting per se, but… he likes to relax with you, very specifically. even if he’s working; being able to actually relax is rare, and nice. watch for if he removes his sword with you around; he likes to do maintenance on it with you around because it’s not stressful, not work, and with you. it’s a sign of comfort and vulnerability
You were complaining about something, rolling around on the floor beside him as you went on and on. He didn’t care much about all the movement; you maintained a good distance so you wouldn’t knock into him.
“Besides, it was stupid to begin with and if they’d listened to me in the first place it wouldn’t have happened at all!”
“Mhm.”
You glanced over at Squalo, stretching your arms out to rest your head on. He glanced up at your silence, and his shoulders slumped. This didn’t stop him from polishing his blade, the action repetitive, calming, like habit.
“What?”
He huffed when you smiled in that silly, dreamy way you did when you were enamoured with something. It still had to take some getting used to, seeing it directed at him.
“Nothin’. You look so nice and relaxed for once. Boss is gonna kick that out a window once you’re done.”
He grumbled something under his breath at this. It wouldn’t last very long, but still. He felt relaxed, for once. The soothing motions of sharpening and polishing his sword was a comfort to him. You rolling around on the floor like a kid was a comfort to him.
“I’m not goin’ anywhere for at least another half hour.” Your eyes started to light up at this, and he almost laughed at the way you started kicking your feet back and forth in the air. “You’re stuck with me until then.”
“Favourite thing to be stuck with.”
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early grey tea; how did they court their s/o?
if he’s an adult, he’d be… a bit more normal lol. I think he’d be very careful while getting to know you, but he’d like to show you how strong and reliable he is. y’know, adult in the mafia kind of stuff. younger though, he’d be a lot more… of a loser about it. he’d want to make sure you can also look after yourself in the future with him! so he’d stick to you like glue at school, be suuuuper annoying and stuff. fight, probably.
“Can’t you go easy on me or something at least?!”
“Doing that won’t keep you alive in a real fight, will it?”
You made a loud noise of complaint, but you still got back onto your feet to return to your original position. Kyoya gripped his tonfa a little tighter, nodding to himself.
If you could not even get up and keep training, there would be no point in trying.
There was potential in you he knew was there, and he’d be damned if the one he’d grown attached to would get killed because you didn’t try to get stronger. It only made sense to him that the one who put you through this was him and no one else. No one else would take it seriously.
“Get ready, then.”
You whined, but steeled your shoulders. Your gaze on him sharpened, eyes narrowing, and he felt his lips twitch up into a smirk.
Exactly the spark he wanted to see.
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lets-try-some-writing · 11 months
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I have a Crack idea for the Sparkling of Unicron AU. Basically, Jack's dad is Unicron, who ghosted June to avoid paying child support. When Team Prime comes to Earth & meet the kids, Jack & Optimus team up to track down their dad and get the child support payments by force.
Jack here is still fleshy & has the same personality, but can basically do what a resurrected Megatron could do in Canon, just on a smaller scale. He can't control Megatron though, his will is too strong. Also, his blood is infused with Dark Energon.
When asked as to why she would date the literal God of Chaos, June states that he "had a winning personality". (We all know you like robots, June.)
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I'm just going to answer yours and this anon's request at the same time since it will make my life easier. Previous part here
Little Siblings
After the whole debacle with being exiled for a time, Optimus began to heal. It was a slow process and it was not easy by any means. He had been abandoned, treated poorly, and left for scrap by everyone but his creator and the children. Thus it took time, a great deal of it. However during this healing process, Optimus noticed something new in the children.
Firstly, they fought bitterly in his defense if one of his team so much as looked in his general direction wrong. Secondly they often refused to leave his side, emitting a strange set of waves that were so similar to EM fields but so foreign. Then lastly Optimus felt a vague... connection between him and the children. It shouldn't be. They weren't Cybertronian and couldn't have spark bonds. And yet the closer he grew to them and the more he came to see them as kin, the stronger this heretical and impossible bond grew.
Not only that, but when he was around them, he felt more stable. His form didn't flare and break apart as often. His spark remained more controlled and he could keep his physical form together with less difficulty. They made him feel safe in a way that was not too dissimilar from how Unicron wrapped him in love and care. At the same time, the urge to protect them with every fiber of his being was just as strong as their desire to protect him. They were young, they were small, and they were fragile. He thought perhaps all the emotions he was feeling and the connection that seemed to be there might be because he had been away from his team for so long and was out of touch. He almost questioned his father, wondering if Unicron had anything to do with it, but he didn't, not while he was still upset with his maker.
Then the children had to go behaving weirdly.
After his little flare that left the children incapacitated and led to his exile, there were little things that were off about them. It wasn't much so the team wrote it off and Optimus didn't even notice as he worked to restore his broken bonds and the trust between him and his team. But as the wounds healed and Optimus reconnected with his team, the children's differences became more obvious.
Rafael had an aura around him. The team couldn't sense it, they weren't attuned to Unicron's power as Optimus was. Rafael's entire being radiated strength of spirit in a way not too dissimilar from Optimus. It was almost like he too was struggling to keep his being in line, doing everything in his power to keep his form held together. The child even began to speak in the same way Optimus did when his body was too shattered to form words. He didn't seem to know he was doing it, but his emotions were clear as day with how freely they flowed from him. It was startling, especially when not long after that Rafael's eyes began to glow a startling blue whenever his emotions were projected, often becoming clearer in intent.
Miko was partially similar in that her eyes began to glow whenever her emotions got strong enough to warrant concern. At those times she would gain an aura of fear around her. It didn't bother Optimus too much considering he projected the same aura naturally when he wasn't trying to blend in. However it made him more and more concerned when Bulkhead began to shy away in terror whenever Miko got particularly mad. She didn't understand why the team were suddenly so wary of her, nor did the team know why they kept so clear of her on instinct.
Optimus knew, or rather he had an inkling, one he was growing more prevalent within him as Jack showed signs too.
It had been small and hardly noticeable amidst the flow of battle, but in a moment of stress Jack had seemingly controlled a Vehicon Optimus had been near certain was dead. The boy didn't seem to notice as he fought to keep his fellow humans safe, but Optimus noticed. How could he not? The waves of his father's power were far more intense than anything he had ever felt from an organic.
Thus after a few additional weeks of watching the children project these odd abilities, he reached out to his maker with an inquiry.
Optimus: The children are showing abilities that have your touch evident in them.
Uniron: Impossible. I have no heralds among the humans.
Optimus: Are you sure Creator? They are not like me, that is certain. However the feeling of your power is unmistakable.
Unicron: I haven't made a herald since Megatron, and I have no memory of-
Optimus: Creator?
Unicron: It seems I forgot something rather important.
Optimus: Speak plainly Creator, what did you do?
Unicron: It was during a waking sleep, one I hardly remember. However I for a time walked this earth in an organic form in a mixed delirium of emotion.
Optimus: You didn't.
Unicron: I may have ended up creating three lifeforms by accident, two by throwing around burst of power and one from a one night stand.
Optimus: Primus... you can't be serious.
Unicron: I am dead serious.
Optimus: Frag.
With the knowledge that his Creator had gone out of his way to do things while only partially aware, Optimus hurriedly moved to confirm these claims. First he went straight to the children, his frame flaring and coming apart partially in his hurry. The team were worried and watched on in growing concern as he questioned Rafael, asking for the circumstances of his birth. Rafael quickly confirmed that he had been found as a baby and adopted by his current family and that he had no real issues with it. Then upon asking Miko the same question, he received a similar answer that left Optimus terrified to ask Jack what he needed to.
It could all have been coincidence and a bad case of Optimus's outburst affecting the children in odd ways. He had seen stranger things, perhaps it was all just one big mess up. However that hopeful wish was blown directly out of the water when June was called into base and Optimus asked her a question he feared the answer to.
Optimus: Mrs. Darby, would you by chance be willing to tell me who Jack's father is?
June: Oh? I don't mind, but I couldn't really give you an answer. He was a nice guy who told me his name was Uni Cron. Odd name and pronounced very strangely, he also had some trouble with memory, but he was sweet and treated me well.
Optimus: Why is he not here assisting in raising Jack?
June: Honestly I don't know. He lived with me for a few months, we got to know each other, we spent a night together, and then he was gone the next day. I never heard from him again.
Optimus: ... I believe you may have possibly had relations with my Creator.
June: What? Last I checked, you were a giant robot and your Creator was Unicron-!
June: ... Oh.
Optimus: ... If it is any consolation, I was unaware I had a brother.
Not a soul or spark could utter a word as everyone stood there dumbly for a long moment. Then Optimus put forward his whole theory, to which the children stared at him with wide eyes but said nothing. It was silent, deafeningly so and everyone just.... scattered to think about it for a while, leaving Optimus, June, and the children alone.
There was plenty of nervous staring involved, but slowly and with a great deal of caution, Optimus began to talk with the children and June. He told them of his own creation and his experiences with thier Creator and in turn he told them what he could of their abilites. He offered to teach them and guard them, while also warning of possible side effects such as long life or even partial immortality. It was a very strained discussion even though Optimus was bound to the children by what he now knew to be siblings bonds, but after a while they figured things out.
June insisted on being called mom as soon as she figured out that Optimus had been left to fend for himself so soon after his creation. It didn't matter to her that Optimus was millions of years old and had watched the rise and fall of civilizations, he was a child who never knew the love of a parent and she intended to rectify that especially now that her son and Optimus were confirmed to be related. He initially tried to object, but June reaching out to pat his cheek in a comforting manner left him bewildered but strangely pleased.
Jack was left more startled than anything else and doubting his reality. Optimus attempted to soothe him with calming words and the touch of his field, but Jack wasn't having it. He needed time, and that was acceptable. Miko was on board with the thought of being siblings almost immediately and took to being related to Unicron without issue. She called it her "hero arc" or something along those liens and proceeded to make a show of pretending to have magic powers. It made the tension in the room lessen, especially when Rafael merely adjusted his glasses, looked up at Optimus and murmured.
"So what if I'm related to Unicron? So are you, and you are one of the best bots out there. Besides, we are family now"
Family. It was a word Optimus had difficulty pinning after all that had happened. Bumblebee was family, he was Optimus's sparkling even if their relationship was still a little iffy. Ratchet was family, he had been family for vorns. The team were family, but mainly because they needed to. Optimus had no family by blood aside from his maker. His "siblings" were of Primus, not of Unicron. They were cousins that he treated like blood kin. He loved all his family, but there was something so very novel about having blood related kin right before him.
Of course then when he reached out to his Creator, he found their bond silent. He sent question after question, wondering why and asking for answers, but he received nothing. Unicron was not heeding him, quite likely because he didn't want to deal with his newfound creations.
Optimus was a special case, he was intentional, he was the one and only creation Unicron had poured all his attention into. He was loved form day one, but the children? They were accidents, and Unicron had never been quick to love when it came to those not bound to him. Optimus knew this well, he could read his creator's spark just by letting his base nature take over for a moment. However he had no intention of letting Unicron go without at least speaking to his children. The children needed their father. Optimus had been denied his creator his entire existence up until earth, the children deserved better, or if nothing else the the chance to see where they came from.
Thus he began spending every waking moment hounding his creator and digging around to find another way to Unicron's core if his creator saw fit to continue to remain silent.
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Envoys
Ahhh, my children. I could go on about them forever.
In Once Upon A Time, Earth is successfully cybernized by the Omega Lock and the organic planet gets a bit of a makeover. Humanity included, which results in the two subsets that cybertronian's come to identify as "spark-eater" and "pit-spawn." Or Human and Human Envoy.
Envoys are a distinct class and a different form of Cybernized Humans. They are closer in resemblance and function to an ordinary Cybertronain thanks to a bit more of Unicron’s CNA mutating those genes. That said, they still aren’t Cybertronians and do not function like Cybertronians.
While requiring more energon-esq substitutes and a metabolic rate that isn’t as lenient or varied as the rest of their kin, they are still omnivorous and do need living metal to survive. They also will still outlast a Cybe when it comes to refueling.
Physically, they resemble the more traditional form of a bot. However, just like other earthlings, they cannot transform and lack certain attributes that result in an uncanny valley effect for Cybertronains. (Optic covers are replaced with eyelids, more predator-like vision/focus, denta are more pronounced, movement quieter/smoother, etc). They still are on the smaller side, but typically grow to be taller than their counterparts. Topping off at what would be considered "average-ish" on Cybertron.
That said, certain aspects that are amplified in everyone else (thus making a regular human look and act distinctly wrong) are sacrificed in an Envoy. Flexibility is lower than their counterparts from the added metal, their diet is significantly more picky since their systems can properly digest tougher materials, and their movements are more clicky. As if their joints are popping and sliding with every movement.
Envoys do share a connection between them, and a stronger connection to Unicron, thanks to the extra CNA. Like a spiderweb, Envoys have a loose spark bond that connects them to Unicron and each other through Unicron. Using this connection, they can send memories and emotions while being capable of direct communication with Unicron himself. The result is an almost chaotic hive mind, or more accurately a group text where Unicron is the cell phone.
Finally, Envoys do actually have a park signature. Overall, humans can sense the EM fields but cannot produce them. Envoys still can’t do so, but their close “spark bond” to Unicron causes them to reflect that signature back to EM-sensing individuals. So, bots will just feel a remnant of the anti-spark beeping back at them, and a human will always know when there's an Envoy present (unless shielded). Envoys can communicate using these fields, but it's either unconscious or a DELIBERATE act that is similar to physical gesturing, just talking with your emotions instead of talking with your hands.
As a result, these faux fields will actually be less maintained/regulated than a Cybertronain would typically allow. Kinda like walking in a house with or without shoes, if you don’t do it often, or don’t have someone teaching you, you’ll stick with what is convenient or suits your own preferences. In this case, humans just let it all out.
Now picture a Cybertronian, that uses their EM field as another form of subtle communication, interacting with an Envoy.
The 1% of Earth's population that’s just accidentally screaming death vibes and “I’m so bored” or “When’s lunch?” in the middle of a diplomatic meeting, while simultaneously offering a selection of very colorful threats and a good deal of blackmail.
And don't even get me started on the "normal" humans
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cienie-isengardu · 2 years
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My SW theories/RepCom Musing: Jango Fett and Walon Vau
The Republic Commando books series mentioned here and there that Walon and Jango were closer than Kal and Jango ever had. This is even more interesting if we take into account that the same books made it clear that Vau openly cares only about Mird - and the strill “would defend Vau to the last. It always had.” and “had stood by him since boyhood” [True Colors] what at this point means literal decades now - while struggling with expressing emotions and pride toward his Delta boys (“They were the best special forces troops in the galaxy, and here Vau was, still unable to manage the thank you or well done that they deserved.”) even though he didn’t have much problem to admitting that in fact he did care for them to Etain (“Do you see your men as your sons?" "Of course I do. I have no others.”, [Triple Zero]) or Kal (“Do you think he knew, Kal? [...] Sev. I never told him I was proud of him, and I was. Did he know I loved him every bit as much as you love your boys?”[Order 66]). 
In True Colors, Walon himself admitted to “had little time for anyone else, regardless of species” with the exception of Mird, the men of the Grand Army and most likely Jango Fett, for whom he agreed to train army for around decade on Kamino, cut away from the outside world and maybe even Kal Skirata for whatever reason Walon decided to involve him into Jango’s secret project.
The Prima Guide outright described Vau as “borderline sociopathic” - although the little research I did doesn’t sound whole fitting with what we known about Walon (and to be honest, some symptoms/signs sounds more like Kal Skirata than him) but generally speaking, I think we could agree that Walon falls into Antisocial Personality Disorder and thus is not a person that easily forms relationships with other people - he cares about some, but is emotionally stunned, introverted, closed off.
He and Kal managed to bond over the common purpose of saving clone troopers and both went a long way from despiting each other to become close as one Mandalorian could be to another. Both are also influenced by their lasting traumas and the effects can be seen in how they interact with other people (Kal being protective of his “found family”, having some bias toward women and criminal tendencies, Vau not getting emotionally invested for most of time, struggling with putting positive emotions into words of praise for his boys).
Now, let’s talk about Jango. The same as Walon and Kal, Jango’s life was full of misery and hardship that at some (post-Galidraan) point transformed him into a man maintaining little emotional connection to other living beings. The most known exception to this rule was of course little Boba Fett.
The novelization of Attack of the Clones did not include much of Open Seasion’s backstory but all the same underlined Fett’s dispassionate nature.
Quiet moments within the tumult that had been Jango Fett's entire life, surviving the trials of the Outer Rim alone practically from the day he learned to walk. Each trial had made him stronger, had made him more perfect, had honed the skills that he would now pass along to Boba. There was no one better in all the galaxy to teach his son. When Jango Fett wanted you caught, you were caught. When Jango Fett wanted you dead, you were dead.
No, not when Jango "wanted" those things. This was never personal. The hunting, the killing, it was all a job, and among the most valuable of lessons Jango had learned early on was how to become dispassionate. Completely so. That was his greatest weapon.
He looked at Taun We, then turned to grin at his son. Jango could be dispassionate, except for those times when he could spend time alone with Boba. With Boba, there was pride and there was love, and Jango had to work constantly to keep both of those potential weaknesses at a minimum. While he loved his son dearly-because he loved his son dearly-Jango had been teaching him those same attributes of dispassion, even callousness, from his earliest days.
Internal memo penned by Hali Ke, senior research geneticist, Kamino, 27 BBY (source) also points out Jango’s disdain for human relationship and his asocial yet complex nature: 
I have now logged many sessions with our prime clone Jango Fett, and concluded that he embodies his species’ contradictions. He is a killer many times over, ending the life of others without hesitation if paid to do so, yet his anger was obvious when I suggested he lacked morality. He is one of the most able, competent humans I have ever observed, remaining calm in situations that would leave most organics helpless with terror. Yet he witnessed horrors in his childhood that he will not discuss, and around which his mind has constructed apparently impenetrable barriers.
Jango is given to solitude and affects a disdain for human relationships and connections, yet when he agreed to help train our army, he immediately summoned a band of mercenaries who shared his background. And, of course, there is the matter of his fee: Jango seemed barely to care for the considerable sum of five million credits, but was adamant that we create an unaltered clone of himself, whom he now refers to — without a trace of self-consciousness — as his son. I have seen him return to Kamino after killing men for credits, wash the blood out of his starship’s hold, and an hour later be gently talking and playing with young Boba.
(The other trait often mentioned by sources was Jango’s anger that kept him going on despite all tragedies that happened to him, but that deserves a separate analyze in regard to Vau’s training methods and Atin)
There is no one right way for a human to deal with trauma and people process their emotional and psychological problems in various ways. Walon and Jango learned to close off, to cut away the unnecessary emotions and keep to minimal human relationship with exception to Mird and Boba, respectively. 
Considering how much Kal was an emotional, extrovert-type of person with strong opinions he liked rant about compared to the two other Mandalorians, it is no wonder that Walon and Jango had better understanding going on between them. Of course, the sources are insufficient to say for sure why and how close they were in the first place but considering the fact that Vau helped Fett to pick up the training sergeants (and by logic, needed to be one of the first if not literally the first to be contacted by Jango), I think it is correct to assume Walon had Jango’s trust and was privy to some of inner matters in regard to clones. 
The Republic Commando book series put a lot of blame on Kaminoans for clone troopers' misery, which in itself is true of course. But the additional information put in the game (loading screens) brought an interesting matter to consider. 
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According to Taun We, Jango insisted to continue training despite significial fatalities so the “weak” clones could be eliminated. Jango's true goal was to create a capable army so when the right time comes, Dooku and his Sith Master could destroy the Jedi Order. Walon Vau did not know it then and connected the dots after Order 66 was issued by Chancellor Palpatine. 
He however could be privy to Jango’s demands to keep the deadly exercises running without regard for clone troopers’ safety. On one hand, Walon understood the necessity of danger, as he said himself: 
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On another note, Jango’s insistence to “culling the weak” could be also the vital factor why Vau was so harsh with his trainees and pushed them beyond their limits. Though I do suspect, he may not tell Skirata about Jango’s personal contribution to the deadly program - yes, Skirata was angry at Jango for selling his genes and not caring for the clones beside Boba but the book series did not seem imply that Mandalorian in question was aware of this little detail? Otherwise Kal and Jango could be on even worse terms.
One thing that always struck me about wording, either in POV paragraphs or the Vau’s arguments with Skirata, is how often his commandos are described as “survivors” - or generally speaking the emphasis is on “alive” rather than just the best soldiers. Like Walon really prioritized their survival over the performance.
Skirata gave him the palm-down gesture: Leave it. "Stay useful, Walon." He beckoned Jusik and Ordo to follow him. "And I hope that Atin's moved on too, because I won't stand in his way now." 
"How far is too far, Kal? Can you answer that? How far did you go?" Vau called after him. "I made that boy a warrior. Without me, he wouldn't be alive today." 
With him, Ordo thought, Atin very nearly wasn't.
[Triple Zero]
or
[Etain]  turned to Vau. "Do you see your men as your sons?" 
"Of course I do. I have no others. It's why I made them into survivors. Don't think I don't love them just because I don't spoil them like kids." 
[Triple Zero]
or
The Sickener, they called it. One more endurance test to make sure they could face conditions that would break and kill lesser men, crawling through a ditch filled with rotting nerf guts. 
But there were more tests to come. A night out in Fest-like temperatures; no sleep for three days, maybe more; scant water, a full sixty-kilo pack, and blistering heat; and a lot of pain. Pain, pitiless verbal abuse, and humiliation. A captured commando could expect brutal interrogation. They had to be able to cope without breaking, and it took some imagination to test that to the limit. 
How far is too far, Kal? 
Vau was much more detached about handing out all that punishment than Skirata could ever be. It was very hard to hurt your sons, even if it helped them survive the unsurvivable.
[Triple Zero]
or
 "I raised you to survive. Don't humiliate me by going soft." [True Colors]
or
Skirata remembered it, and didn't want to. It was training that had to be done. It broke his heart, but it was going to be all that stood between those boys and death sooner or later. They had to be able to face the unimaginable, and-yes, there were even worse things than charging a line of droids with your comrades. 
    There were the things you might have to face alone, in a locked room, with no hope of rescue. 
    Maybe Vau was right. Perhaps trainees needed to be brutalized beyond the point where they were just brave, pushed into a state of existence where they became animals intent only on survival. That was how Vau had nearly killed Atin. It was why Skirata had then gone after Vau and nearly killed him.
[Triple Zero]
or
Vau wasn't used to anything other than instant obedience from his squads. He'd drummed it into them on Kamino, the hard way when necessary. Skirata thought you built special forces soldiers by treats and pats on the head, but it just produced weaklings; Vau's squads had the lowest casualty rates because he reinforced the animal will lo survive in every man. He was proud of it.
"You did," Boss said, "but you look like you need a hand. Anyway-you're not our sergeant any longer. Technically speaking. No disrespect... Citizen Vau." 
    I was hard on them because I cared. Because they had to be hard to survive. Kal never understood that, the fool. 
    Vau still had trouble breathing some days thanks to the broken nose Skirata had given him. The crazy little chakaar didn't understand training at all.
[True Colors]
or
Sev rumbled again. "I still reckon he killed Ko Sai. And I still reckon he got her research, and that's why he killed her, to shut her up. So yeah, I'd bet on him finding a way to stop us aging so fast."
Scorch suspected that Vau was as deeply involved in the death of Kamino's renegade cloner as Skirata; he was still fiercely loyal to Vau, because the man was the reason Delta were all still alive today, one of a handful of squads that had survived intact since the Kamino days. Vau raised survivors. [Order 66]
Walon Vau’s methods were brutal to the point he was sometimes called Old Psycho. But, at the same time, he is so far the only one Mandalorian sarge we know about whose whole batch survived training on Kamino up to battle of Geonosis - and then, somewhere to the first year of anniversary of mentioned battle, lost only three men (Atin’s original squad).
"I've lost just three men out of my batch, Kal. That tells me a lot about my methods." 
"So I lost fourteen. You making a point?" 
"You made yours soft. They don't have that killer edge." 
“No, I didn't brutalize mine like you did yours, you hut 'uun."
[Triple Zero]
According to Making the man: selection and training [Star Wars Insider 84], the single training sergeant had either 25 or 26 squads (four members each) under their supervision.  Which means that Walon trained 100 or 104 commandos for 8 years and either none died [according to Triple Zero] or only three cadets died [according to Hard Contact]* in the harsh program nor he killed anyone accidentally during live ammo training (like Skirata did). Additionally, the same article stated that half of 10.000 clone commandos died in the first few months of the war, “largely due to being deployed initially by inexperienced generals as infantry troops rather than as Special Forces”.  Considering all of this, Vau’s record is pretty impressive if all his squads (beside Atin’s original one) survived intact the worst few months when many other commandos died. 
Of course, we can’t forget his methods alone were brutal and Atin got some of the worst of it:
“Vau nearly killed me, so when I finally got out of the bacta tank, I said I'd kill him one day. Fair enough, yes?" [Triple Zero]
and how Walon pushed harder those who seemed to him not good enough:
“Look, if Vau felt you lacked the killer edge, he'd crank it up a little. He'd make you fight your brother. We had a choice. We could fight each other until one was too badly hurt to stand up, or we could fight him." [Triple Zero]
Walon’s brutality and its effect on his boys deserved a separate analysis so for now, important is how Jango was all for “curling the weak” while Vau was set on to raise survivors no matter what. If Vau was privy to inner matters concerning clone training - and Jango’s part in that - I think it is safe to assume he trained his boys in a way they could pass Jango’s high standard and demands.
Surprisingly there is no(?) source implying Fett was displeased with Vau’s brutality - something Kal Skirata personally despited for years - even though we know Jango intervened in the case of Dread Priest’s secret fighting circle due to Mij’s complains. Quite the opposite, it actually looks like Fett was pretty impressive and satisfied with Vau’s results
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Jango literally compared Vau’s Delta Squad to his own charges, the Alpha class ARC, who by design were supposed to be better than the commandos and who he trained personally which also raise a serious question about Jango's own training methods.
The traits he praised, them being deadly, relentless, antisocial and aggressive makes it sounds like Jango and Vau had similar ideas of what the clone special forces should be. Especially the “asocial” is interesting, because this is a personal trait that Fett and Vau share but one that is not actually that good in soldiers. Of course, most squads will work alone, just four brothers against the world, but Triple Zero showed that melting two different teams for one joint operation wasn’t that easy task and Deltas for sure kept their asocial nature as much as it was possible through the whole war.
There is a lot things we don’t know in regard to Jango Fett and Walon Vau, but it seems that character-wise, they understood each other well and instead of blaming Jango for his approach to clones (curling the weak) like Skirata would do, Vau was willing to went a far way to ensure his boys will be ready for whatever Kaminoans (and Jango) had planned for them and survive no matter what, even if he alone died in the process.
Scorch slapped down his own curiosity and told it to behave. He didn't care how Vau knew. He was just glad that he did and he trusted him, because Vau's words always came back to him from those first days on Kamino.
Everything I do from this moment on is to make sure you survive to fight. Even if I don't. [Order 66]
And this brings us to the one thing we know for sure about Walon’s feelings toward Jango. All the brutal training, all the need to create survivors so Vau’s batch will pass Jango’s high expectations and meet his approval may comes from this:
 "I let him down once." Vau would never shake off that feeling of having failed, the legacy of his vile father. He'd instilled it into his clones, despite himself. "But I never let him down again." [Order 66]
**EDIT**
As was pointed out to me, Atin lost his first squad during training on Kamino according to Hard Contact:
Atin was holding his rifle carefully, a handspan clear of his chest. "I've been the last man left standing in two squads now." 
    "Oh." Silence. Niner prompted: "Want to tell me how?"
"First squad tried to rescue me on a live range exercise. I didn't need rescuing. Not that badly, anyway." 
    "Ah." Niner felt instantly appalled at himself for thinking Atin didn't care what happened to Darman. He was just caring too much. "My training sergeant said there was something called survivor's guilt. He also said that in those cases, having you survive was what your squad wanted."
My fault for not checking the first book and relying solely on Triple Zero although now I wonder if this some sort of divergence between both books or did I misread the text so bad...?
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chocolate-parfait · 3 years
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I adore your writing so I was wondering if I could get headcanons for some Ikesen boys (Mitsuhide, Kenshin, and Nobunaga)?
When MC first comes through the wormhole she doesn’t have her son with her and her entire stay is her stressing about it since he is only 5 years old so as soon as the wormhole opens she’s gone before they even blink. They don’t expect her to come back but she does! and with her son this time!
Thank you so much bub! I missed writing for ikesen and honestly, I’m a sucker for anything involving parenting :) Thanks for requesting!
Also I,,, I really went all out for Nobunaga huh
Mc coming back with her son - ikesen headcanons (Mitsuhide, Kenshin & Nobunaga)
words: 2.9k / tw: mentions of injuries and violent behavior / female mc
Mitsuhide
How could possibly someone as clumsy as his little mouse be a mother? Jokingly, he asks you whether it was you taking care of your son or the other way round. He teases you a bit, only enough to gain some strands of information here and there; he may find the excuse that, as the man in charge of security and secrets, that was only part of his job, when in truth he’s actually worried about you. He gathers that your child isn’t with you, and this only serves to fuel his curiosity and worry even more. Nonetheless, he doesn’t pry. You must have your own reasons and secrets, and for once, he's willing to leave you to them.
Once he notices your feelings for him, he becomes sure of the fact that, whether you had a husband or not, he definitely owned your heart no longer. He’s acting more confidently and boldly than before, adding more intensity to his innuendos and subtle flirting. Then, you tell him you’re from the future and you get closer, spending the days basking in each other’s company and usual teasing banters.
...but, oh boy, before he even knows it you’re disappearing in the thickness of the fog and coldness of the rain. If the wormhole had opened when Sasuke had predicted, then you probably would have told him about your plans. You needed more time to mentally prepare yourself, but when Mother Nature decides to open her time-traveling black holes, it's not your choice to make. Mitsuhide will be okay, probably... or at least, you hope so. ok but boy teased you too much, this is his payback
After you're gone Mitsuhide needs a couple of seconds to register what had just happened. In truth, he expected it, kinda (or at least, that’s what he wants to believe), and although it hurts, he’s not one to complain. First off, it could have never worked between you two. He’s... he’s quite the despicable guy, with tons of enemies and secrets. No one in their right mind would want to stay with him for more than 2 minutes, but he had never really cared. Until you came along. And how could he even wish to hold the first place in a mother’s heart? It went without saying that your son was your top priority, and it was fine, it was bound to be that way.
He puts on his habitual facade and moves on with his day, but don’t be fooled; he has no intention of ever forgetting you nor he's completely at peace on the inside. He feels a stinging pain buried deep underneath the arid soil of his heart. The heart wishes what the heart desires, and even when one has resigned to keep a distance from everything it longs for, the pain persists, and it's probably ten times even harsher in the melancholy of it all.
(Hideyoshi obviously catches up on his act, and almost headbutts him out of exasperation when he sees he’s not letting out even the tiniest of sighs)
The days pass by, and Mitsuhide is sure you won’t be coming back. But you do. Once more you catch him by surprise, you destroy his expectations and act outside of the box. And when you finally face him for the first time in what felt like lifetimes, your son by the hand and a wide smile on your face, he stares at you bewildered, wide eyes and an unusual expression of genuine surprise on his features.
“You... you’re really something, little mouse” It’s all he says before striding over to you and hugging you to his chest. His words may conceal them, but you can feel his true feelings in the tightness of his embrace, the thunderous pace of his heartbeat, and the barely noticeable shaking of his sigh.
Maybe he can let himself feel some happiness, after all? Surely, he will have to work extremely hard to protect it, to destroy anyone who might try to bring harm over you, but Mitsuhide is a man of many ways, and he knows how to reach his goal.
Weirdly enough, your child quickly grows fond of Mitsuhide, and it's not long before he starts calling him “Papa”. He's always staring in awe at whatever he does, even the tiniest of tricks will make him giggle excitedly with surprise. On the other hand, your lover is unsurprisingly good with kids. Probably because they're so easy to please and to fool with lies (like a certain someone). He could tell the little boy that you're the Moon princess and the courageous Mitsuhide saved you by a sea of horned monsters, and he would totally believe him without even questioning it first. Maybe it's a family trait?
He does not expect to find himself with a family out of the blue, but by the fond look of his golden orbs, you can tell he's grateful for it. Whenever he kisses you goodbye before going to work in the morning or ruffles your son's hair with playful tenderness, you know it's a silent vow, renewed each time. He's going to do everything in his power to assure your happiness. You've given him a warm place to return to, a spot in the light, love, and gratefulness; protecting it all is the least he could do to return such blessing.
Kenshin
You tell him about the wormhole, about the rain and the lightning, about why you have to go back. Kenshin may have been on his way to healing, but when he hears of your son he recesses 10 steps back. The dark part of himself he was trying so hard to chase away pushes towards him feelings of jealousy and anger (you had, after all, loved another man and bore his child; moreover this man was not by your and your son’s side for whichever reason, leaving you both alone), but the other half of his heart, which loved you so dearly, could not tolerate depriving you of your son.
He’s afraid of you leaving him forever, no matter how much you tell him you’ll definitely come back. He wants to trust you just as much as you trust him, but once more his darkness haunts him and clashes with his sober side. He could lock you up forever or he could let you go, you’d be safer and happier without him. Maybe you will actually come back, or maybe you will forget about him as soon as you step back to your time.
This whole issue causes him to isolate himself from everything and everyone. He needs time to think and come to terms with his feelings, but he’s oh so aware of the quick passing of time. Soon, he’ll have to make a decision that will impact his whole life forever, and yet he can’t really seem to find a proper solution. Not alone, at least.
Stay by his side, patiently put up with his negative thoughts, and comfort his fears away. Promise him over and over again that you will come back, that you wouldn’t forget him for anything in the world. Eventually, he’ll be able to convince himself and fully abandon himself to his trust for you.
When the fateful day comes, he does not expect you to slip away from his arms in the blink of an eye. Your warmth disappears and the cold air hits him with the full realization of what had happened. He takes a deep breath, trying to calm his pounding heart down. All he can do is wait. It might take you days, months, or even years, but he’s willing to wait.
During your absence he drowns his loneliness in sake, he fills the vacant spot in his arms with the white bunnies you used to found so adorable and occupies his time with sparring matches. Then, one day, coming back to his room from a council, he slides the door open and he’s met with two identical pairs of eyes staring at him.
One can only imagine the plethora of emotions hitting him all at once. Before you know it he’s throwing himself to you with the speed of an expert warrior. He hugs you so tightly you can barely breathe, reluctantly letting you go only to get a look at the face he had so longed to see, pressing a deep kiss on your forehead. What stops him from ravaging your lips with even stronger passion is the child’s presence. Maybe it’s better to keep some things for later, you tell him, and he accepts with the cutest of pouts gracing his delicate features.
For some time he’ll be the clingiest he has ever been, though he doesn’t forget your son, whom he now considers as his own. You two look very much alike, and knowing how much you cherish him, he quickly becomes fond of him, too. They spend a lot of time together, forming a bond pretty quickly. Kenshin teaches him all there is to know about the samurai world and the way of the sword (not that he has any intention of throwing him in a battlefield, yet. He’ll let your son accompany him to war only when, as an adult, he’ll be wholly aware of the dangers he’s going to face). Oftentimes you can see them sparring together in the practice room, a rare and soft gaze blessing your lover’s eyes.
Now that both of you are with him, he knows better than to let his fears win him once more, for thus he knows you won’t leave him again. He confesses to you his deepest feelings and thoughts on this matter during quiet, tender moments of intimacy. Maybe one night you're sharing a drink with him while gazing at the night sky from his room; there, he’ll turn his mismatched irises on yours, cup your cheek with his strong hand and tell you, with the most love-dripping tone you had ever heard come out from his mouth: “Thank you for coming back to me, my love. I swear I won’t let you face any danger as long as you two are by my side.”
Nobunaga
So his favorite fireball has a baby fireball? What a surprise, indeed. It's only a single piece of information, and yet it brings to his mind so many possibilities that he can't help but fall deep in thought. Do you have a husband, then? Did he perhaps leave you? If so, how did you manage to take care of your son? He knew life wasn’t easy for a repudiated woman, and one could see it with their own two eyes just by taking a stroll in the poorer neighborhoods of the city. (well, that was something he was trying to change)
Then, he asks himself whether the night of the fire you had been so reluctant to go with him because of your motherly duties. You could have just said so earlier, he would have taken your son to the castle, too. Quickly, you add more interesting details to your story, telling him of the wormhole, your time-travel adventure, and the future.
He half-forces you to make THE bet, the one you cannot ignore, with the added risk that if you lose, you won't be able to see your son ever again. Pretty cruel, right? In your eyes, it might seem so, but truthfully, he's going to let you go at the end of the month, independently from whether you win or lose; he just thinks it'd be spicier to not let you know this very important detail. 
What our grand lord does not expect, is to be hit by Cupid's arrow and cursed with the love of a lifetime. His feelings are so strong he has to stop himself multiple times from directly confessing to you. He blames all the flirting, the sensual touches, the longing kisses, and his affectionate gaze on the bet. You are nothing more than a physical distraction, he can’t let himself love you, and you don’t love him. This way, you'll be able to go back without regrets and doubts. He won't let you, his soulmate, suffer over such a heart-wrenching decision.
Such a prideful and haughty man lowering himself to such tricks only to keep the smile on a woman's face. Pretty ironic, isn't it? Unfortunately for him, anyone can guess the contents of the Demon King's heart, and you are no exception. If you had solemnly promised your return, he would have believed you, that is the type of man he is, but Fate acts before you can take action, and anticipates your departure to the most unexpected of times.
So in the end, you truly did leave him. His beloved fireball, vanished in the same way she had appeared, like a bolt from the blue. He's going to miss you so dearly, and his loneliness will surely take away his sleep at night, but there are still so many things for him to do. You will probably have your fair share, too, though he's sure you'll manage. If it wasn't for his obstination and pride then maybe he would have the humility to deny the same for himself. Maybe one day your path will cross his once again, but who knows, maybe by that time he will have already conquered the whole land, maybe a lethal blow will have taken his life, maybe he'll see you on his last, dying breath. Anyhow, he's going to wait. Patiently and calmly, and he promises himself that were you to return by his side, he won't be denying his love any longer.
It's almost been a year from your departure, and now the snow is slowly falling once more to cover the roofs under its soft embrace. Nobunaga is sitting on the balcony of his tenshu, looking at the city yet bustling with life even in the frigid cold. Just like Azuchi, he hasn't changed much. A couple more scars have appeared somewhere on his body, and the skin just under his eyes has gotten a little darker, but his heart is forever the same. With his thicker haori shielding his lower body from most of the cold air, he brings the red cup of warm sake to his lips, mind wandering to the same, old thoughts of you. Suddenly, his vision turns dark. A pair of warm hands are covering his vision, but before he can reach for his sword, your voice tickles his ear in a low whisper. “Guess who?”
Turning to face you, as a hand rapidly flies to cover his ear from the sudden attack, he quietly basks in the view of your smiling face before slowly erupting in a loud laugh. What an unpredictable one he has fallen for! He must be equally as foolish if he let someone sneak over to him as he was thinking about you.
He takes you in hir arms and keeps you there, where you naturally belong while pressing a kiss to the crown of your head. Your smell, your softness, your body that fit with his like a sword and its sheath. “Welcome back, fireball” With you by his side, everything will be completely different than before. No more sleepless nights or lonely sighs; now he'd have a companion by his side at all times. Sometimes even two.
Nobunaga does not exactly care about the fact that your son is, genetically, not his. Blood is only important to the fools that only view you as an heir-making machine, but he values bonds and the singular individual way more. If he had prioritized family over what was important to him, he would've been killed by his brothers years ago, but it did not happen. What I'm trying to say is that he becomes the fatherly figure your son needs, and he treats him no differently than he would with his biological son. Although yes, he would like to, one day, have another little demon (or a baby angel, depending on whose genes are stronger) running around the castle, to him, yours is already the perfect family.
Nobunaga passes down his views (he doesn't force them, it's more like when a parent explains something to his baby and the baby absorbs everything) onto your child, and makes sure he receives an education fitting for a noble of those times (an open-minded one, possibly). Since he views him as his biological son, once he grows up it will be up to him whether to help his father unifying the country and then, eventually inheriting and ruling everything one day. Growing up in those times though will probably make him accustomed to the idea of fighting even at a young age, so unless you're strictly against it, there will be high chances of him becoming a samurai and following in your lover’s footsteps.
Leaving the gruesome matters aside, Nobu and his son are one hell of a pair of troublemakers! Buy some throat syrup because Hideyoshi will be screaming his lungs out. The man lectures your husband and your own son twice the times you do, either because of their sugar consumptions, their life-threatening activities such as running in the halls, or just general shenanigans. They're quite the headaches, frankly. One of their favorite and safe (because Nobu is there) activities to do together, is going horseriding. The demon commander will sit the boy between his arms and let his horse run at full speed. By the time they come back, the wind will have made a mess of their clothes and hair, but both will have the biggest and purest of smiles on their faces.
(Additionally, for all of them: if they ever catch anyone talking shit about either you or your son, they won't hesitate to slice them up with their swords on the spot.)
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vaultureculture · 3 years
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Meet my Guardians :) [part 1?]
I have been playing Eldarya ever since I was 14. For the past few years, I had been reading the story religiously, mixing in headcanons to fill plot-holes, and  fleshing out Erika until she became something entirely different. 
Her character soon split into my three mains, all of whom I will introduce to you all in this post! In my Eldarya AU, they all exist in the same universe, and the three of them play crucial roles in the Oracle’s prophecy. I will develop them more as time goes by hmhm
1-Monnika
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Name: Monnika Defreine (she/her)
Birth date: 14th November  [  ♏︎  ]
Age: 22
Species: Faelienne (Aengel+Human)
MBTI: INFP
Guard: Absynthe Guard
Familiar: Lillith (Bâkhrâhell)
LI: Leiftan (both in TO and in ANE)
Occupation in the Guard of Eel: She has taken on the role of a teacher for many children inside the H.Q’s walls. She specializes in lyrical poetry and composition. Whenever she is free from her teaching job, she adventures out into the forest to collect ingredients for ointments and potion spells. 
Sub-occupation: Trained alchemist, Oracle visualizer. Monnika has frequent premonitory dreams and visions featuring the Oracle, but she cannot understand them nor speak in their tongue. Her visual communication with the Oracle is important regardless, and she’s the most attached to it.  
Weapon of choice: Sword
Pros: Forgiving, educated, compassionate, patient, reliable. 
Cons: A push-over, easily biased, indecisive, self-victimizing, very edgy.
Monnika follows the more “canon Erika” path. She is the only one of the main three to have come from Earth through the portal we see at the beginning of the game. She is also the only one to retain an element of Aengel blood, albeit stronger than Erika’s. The option was ruled out for canon Erika, but Monnika is indeed adopted and a faelienne. She’s aware of her adoption but does not know anything else about her background, nor has she cared to know.
In her childhood, she was often reported to affect nearby light and energy sources. Her parents believed her to simply be sensitive to electromagnetic fields. This explanation is usually given to spiritual mediums: The energy they accumulate is said to be what causes paranormal phenomena around them. 
Once she crossed the portal into Eldarya, she began regulating her Maana, and her powers started manifesting more. The eventual blood transfusion and ‘soul-tethering’ with Leiftan jumpstarted a physical transformation, leaving her stuck out of her human disguise. Now, do not let her edgy appearance fool you: she is an Aengel. 
Monnika's form is inspired by traditional Seraphims— that is, ominous balls of eyes and feathers. Her blood is ancient, and her outside reflects it:  Upon transforming, all of her grows in size monstrously. She prostrates, back heavy with wings, as blazing white light fills her sockets. Her spindly fingers dig into the soil, like the feeble limbs of a black widow spider. She is one with the earth her mother bore her from; in her presence, one feels as though judgment is neigh.
There are no reasons to fear her, though, for she is kind and reserved. Monnika finds joy in tranquility and avoids company most of the time. After her initial transformation, she grew more distant, ashamed of her new condition. Her human blood keeps her from smoothly regulating her powers, so she is stuck in her angel form from the first time it occurs to the end of the War for Eldarya, before the 7-year coma. With training, she is finally able to change back to a more human disguise. 
Leiftan and Monnika are, indeed, soulmates. She always felt herself gravitate towards him and followed this attraction without remorse. Her alliance stands with Leiftan and with Leiftan only, which made her position in TO quite complicated. Her lover's crimes were heinous, but her eagerness to build bridges between them again kept her from understanding the seriousness of it all. After their coma, her spirit and trust are broken by Leiftan's distance. She's then left to pine from afar, desperately trying to comprehend how she's supposed to live with half a heart.  
2-Astraea
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Name: Astraea Varma (she/her)
Birth date:  5th March [ ♓︎ ]
Age: 24
Species: Euryhalin nomadic mermaid
MBTI: ISFJ
Guard: Obsidian Guard
Familiar: Thetis (Blobbiathan)
LI: Valkyon (TO) & Mathieu (ANE) 
Occupation in the Guard of Eel: Unwilling to find herself (or her peers) wounded and helpless in the midst of battle, she started working as a nurse under the protection of Ewelein. Her eagerness to learn and help others soon turned her into a sponge for medical knowledge.
Sub-occupation: Obsidian infantry soldier, Crystal fragment detector. Astraea can easily sense the presence of crystal fragments, corrupted or not. She can easily follow them to where they are, as if they left a visible trail. 
Weapon of choice: Hammer or enchanted fists. 
Pros: law-abiding, empathetic, just, optimistic, fun to be around. 
Cons: Inflexible, holds grudges, bad loser, stubborn, quick to judge.  
Astraea washed up on a small stream that crosses the forest of Eel. She was found by Ykhar and Alajéa on the noon of the same day that Monnika appeared in the Crystal Room. Astraea had no recollection of her journey upon waking up beside the fact that she was looking for something significant. She made allusions to it being noted down in her journals, all of which she lost in the last half of her trip. 
She comes from a clan of Euryhalin nomadic mermaids, aquatic creatures who can travel both through rivers and oceans according to migratory seasons. These migration patterns are marked by the moon and the stars, so these mermaids are essentially nocturnal. This is similar (if not the same, even) to the structure and tradition of Alajéa and her sister Colaïa’s clan. The likeness between Alajéa and Astraea’s experiences will eventually strengthen the bond between them, and make them grow closer than ever— despite the initial moments of sourness. The only thing that could throw a spanner in the works is Astraea's distaste for Karenn, Alajéa's best friend. The breach between them is no different in ANE, as Karenn's overall demeanor is quick to make Astraea's blood boil.
Despite being an Obsidian, Astraea fears conflict and very much dislikes harming others. She is not one to await battle with a smile, nor is she an outstanding warrior by herself. Nevertheless, it is her wit, perseverance, and fairness that landed her on that guard. Moments of doubt, like passing mists, may have clouded her self-perception; She may have broken down many times but always stood up again to dedicate more effort to her cause. She fights when necessary, using her knowledge in enchantments to gather up fists of rocks as her weapons.
Incredibly passionate about justice and discipline, Astraea held the Obsidian chief Valkyon in high regard. He became one of her confidants in the tortuous search for her memories; then, a partner to stand by as the world caved in. After the War and the 7-year coma, Astraea withdrew into isolation, grieving over the loss of her lover and mentor. The cherry tree that once was Valkyon’s shelter is now Astraea’s place of reflection— a deep, melancholic pondering only Mathieu, a new friend, and Sonzaishinai, an old friend, can get her out of. 
3)Sonzaishinai
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Name: Hélène “Sonzaishinai” Müller(she/her)
Birth date:  20th May [ ♊︎ ]
Age: 25
Species: Nocturnal fae (moth variant)
MBTI: ENTP
Guard: Shadow Guard
Familiar: Skade (Owlett)
LI: Nevra (TO) & Lance (ANE)
Occupation in the Guard of Eel:  Hélène had always shown a questionable interest in the archives of the H.Q. When Ykhar offered her to work as an adjoined archive librarian, she could not pass it up. She knows the catalogue by heart and has gathered a bunch of...information that may be of use to her. 
Sub-occupation: Master archer, Oracle interpreter. Sonzaishinai has auditory hallucinations featuring the Oracle. She is able to understand her tongue and speak in the Ancient tongue of Eel, thus being able to interpret many crucial pieces of information. 
Weapon of choice: Bow and arrow.
Pros: Diplomatic, humorous, witty, loyal, affectionate. 
Cons: Hides information, violent under stress, impulsive, patronizing. 
Sonzaishinai was brought to the H.Q disheveled and delirious by a group of local Purreko merchants. They had accused her of theft (bread? a dragon tear? so they said), and she was thrown into a cell pre-emptively. Nevertheless, her worn-down state and the lack of evidence ended the trial period rather quickly. For lack of planning and information about her, she was kept in jail for an extra day. Sonzaishinai was in prison at the same time as Monnika. The 'masked man' freed both, and the girls parted ways at the Hall of Doors. 
As a disoriented newcomer, Sonzaishinai was granted shelter. She was allowed three days to recover and decide on her fate. She would either hit the road and return to her homeland or commit to becoming a productive citizen of Eel— by settling and supporting local markets, or joining the staff. Her affairs were thoroughly searched, and nothing was found but a couple notebooks filled with inscriptions in an alphabet unknown. Under questioning, Sonzaishinai soon proved to be, somehow, proficient in languages galore, many of them forgotten and unused. 
She soon joined the same recruit program as Monnika and Astraea...not without the Guard's persuasion, of course. There, Sonzaishinai and Astraea grew close beyond belief. They learned to lean on each other, bound by laughter and blind trust. Sonzaishinai considers Astraea a sister and does not hesitate to call her so— while Astraea always goes to Sonzaishinai for guidance. In ANE's weapon giving ceremony, Hélène chooses to call her new bow (it is Monnika who gets the sword) "Astraea", for she believes the younger mermaid to be her protection and good luck charm.
The nickname "Sonzai Shinai" was given to her by a guard colleague from the Jade Coast. It is a verbal expression of Japanese origin, meaning "there is not", "it does not exist". The culprit behind Hélène's telling nickname is no other than her silence: One can barely hear her arrive, and she always seems to appear as suddenly as she fades away. With time, she fully adopted the nickname, and nobody really calls her Hélène anymore—with rare exceptions.
Nocturnal faes are beings as mysterious and charming as they are dangerous. Most of them present themselves as delicate young women, who seem far too attractive or even stuck in time, never aging.  Behind their lips, however, hide sharp teeth. They are carnivorous and oftentimes conniving, some even venomous, just like the habitats or plants they frequent. It depends on the individual, of course, but they do not have the best reputation around. Whatever they really are, it is not advisable to seal deals with them. They always have a trick up their sleeve.
Although Hélène can be 100% trusted if you are her ally, she does tend to keep many things a secret. It was her that contacted Lance in TO, never telling Miiko and even asking him to take her along. She built a sense of trust between them that allowed Lance to feel comfortable enough to kidnap her in particular, hoping she'd be the one to understand his goals the most. He'd never thought that she'd know as much as him and that she'd been using him to get new leads the entire time. Despite it all, they were always capable of dialogue, which threatens to come back in an incredibly mentally stimulating way upon their new meeting. 
Regarding Nevra, Sonzaishinai had always felt a strong, nurturing love towards him. He'd proven to be an ambitious brat with too big of an ego one too many times, but his light-heartedness and genuine attachment got to her rather quickly. Upon waking up after the 7-year coma, she did not recognize the moody and regretful man before her. He'd promised to love her forever, but now she stood alone spiteful, facing empty words. Despite their falling out, she will always have a soft spot for him and won't doubt to put herself in harm's way for him.
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EREN JAEGER AND THE ENNEAGRAM TYPE 6
First of all, to my followers, please excuse me. This account isn’t for SNK but it’s the one I have and I wanted to write this. 
Secondly, I hope this post finds the fandom lol. But if you’re expecting this to be another meta to judge Eren’s actions, don’t waste your time. The enneagram is a tool of understanding, not judgement, and I just wanted to share one thing I appreciate immensely about Eren’s characterization.
Well, why don’t we start with chapter 137? There, Zeke states that life’s purpose is to propagate and it’s core fear is to be extinguished. In other words, from the moment we are born, our organisms need to survive. As humans, we are on our own: suddenly, you gotta breathe on your own; the food is no longer provided. Everything is scary. A baby cries because everything is hard and far away and something in their biology tells them to keep fighting to survive. 
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Now, onto a more spiritual approach. In El Eneagrama de la Sociedad, Claudio Naranjo says that several cultures have their own ideas and tales regarding a disconnection from a primordial state of wholeness. Once born, we become individuals and are separated from the Universe, as if we’re no longer in sync, and something is lost in the process. How can we survive? Our defense mechanisms start with that question. We need love, we need resources and we need to stand our ground in this cruel, but beautiful world. This, on the enneagram, is called “childhood trauma”. 
What I want to do in this post is to break down Eren’s character development through the lens of the enneagram, but for that, I need to give you an overview of the system. It is cruel and beautiful, just like the SNK world. It sees us with care and understanding but it also exposes the harsh truths we don’t want to see. 
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The enneagram, first and foremost, is an ancient symbol, a figure of nine points connected within a circle. There’s a lot of fascinating history to it, but I’m gonna focus on what matters to this post. The enneagram is a personality system that encompasses nine essences of the Universe, and once our childhood trauma sinks in, we attach to one type which defines our worldview. Here’s how each enneatype manifests itself:
Type 1, the reformer: this person seeks to not make mistakes. They are principled and meticulous in everything they do but highly critical of themselves and others. 
Type 2, the helper: this person seeks to be needed. They are proud of their independence and helpfulness but believe they can only receive love if they give first. 
Type 3, the achiever: this person seeks to be worthy. They are motivated and ambitious but shape themselves around what is expected of them. 
Type 4, the individualist: this person seeks to build their identity. They are sensitive and creative but reject the ordinary and focus on what is harder to reach. 
Type 5, the investigator: this person seeks to be a specialist. They are perceptive and curious but withhold themselves and their resources and worry they’re never prepared. 
Type 6, the loyalist: we’ll talk about it in a moment.  
Type 7, the enthusiast: this person seeks to avoid pain. They are joyful and spontaneous but afraid of facing hardships and being swallowed by negativity and sadness. 
Type 8, the leader: this person seeks to be strong. They are fierce and protective but don’t allow themselves any vulnerability and need to be on top. 
Type 9, the peacemaker: this person seeks to be in peace. They’re kind and their inner stability is unshakable, but have a hard time asserting themselves.
So what does it mean to be a type 6?
Some of you might not believe if I told you that Eren is moved by fear. But that’s what it is. The type 6 represents fear itself. It’s our search for safety and support. The person who is a type 6 has disconnected from their inner guide and they don’t believe they have the same capability to make decisions as everyone else. That is more of an unconscious state, which manifests through an overly alert stance. Sixes are always on the lookout for threats and danger, their minds work predicting things that can go wrong, so they can be prepared. In other words, the type 6 fears how imprevisible life is, because they truly don’t find in themselves the compass to the answers they need “in this very moment”. They have to be one step ahead and they have to find outside structures for support, people in whom to trust and who’ll give them the guidelines and sense of balance. Fellowship and loyalty are essential to the type 6 as they look for reassurance in their concerns. 
In Personality Types: Using the Enneagram for Self-Discovery (1996), Don Richard Riso has described nine levels of development for the enneatypes. They are the path from our healthy, healed state where we’re closer to wholeness again (Level 1) down to our most broken state where we’ve abandoned ourselves (Level 9). 
When we start Attack on Titan, Eren is on Level 6. Here’s what Riso says:
“In its innocent forms, counterphobia is well employed by people to master their fears — for example, children who are afraid of the dark might purposefully go to a dark room to overcome their fear.”
Eren, too, wanted to overcome his fear since he was a kid. He wanted to go outside and face those faceless titans. He wanted people around him to be prepared, but since the Garrison was incompetent and lazy, he needed to be prepared. Grisha seems to be Eren’s first authority figure. From what we know, Grisha allowed Eren to have his own thoughts and didn’t impose anything on him, which is a kind of reassurance. Thus, with his father, Eren felt more understood. 
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Carla, on the other hand, wished for Eren’s immediate safety and cared about him living a quiet life. But that also means she couldn’t understand his concerns, and the type 6 interprets that demeanor as vulnerability — his mother is more exposed to the threat. If the type 6 is a room where nobody is vigilant, the only option they see is to step up and become hypervigilant.
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This relation to an authority is very specific for the type 6 as they search for people and systems in whom to rely on. Since the Garrison aren’t the most reliable soldiers around, Eren turns to the Survey Corps. That section of the military consists of the rebels, those who want to explore the unknown, understand the titans and figure out the best way to fight the enemy. The SC wants to be free, so they become Eren’s next “authority figure”. 
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Riso also says that the type 6 in Level 6 has a more aggressive stance and wants to prove to others that he isn’t indecisive and can’t be pushed around. 
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“They blame and berate whatever threatens them. They become rebellious… and are desperate to latch onto a position or stance that will make them feel stronger and dispel their feelings of inferiority.”
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The type 6 feels inferior because they feel lost inside. Eren, too, knows that the threat lurking behind those walls is much bigger than him and a single human doesn’t stand a chance. And he berates people around him for not seeing what he sees, or for disrespecting his “heroes”.
Eren will be back to Level 6 later, embodying other aspects of it, but let’s talk about the moment he joins the army. 
At this point, Eren reaches the stable position he has been eager for. He is part of a group and working towards his goals, he feels more confident because he’s preparing for the next attack. He has climbed to Level 4:
“The security which groups and institutions provide far exceeds the strength of any individual members...”
As we know, Eren sees his mission to eradicate all titans also as a social responsibility. The type 6 can easily fall into “us versus them” mentality where they are putting effort into something and will trust only the people who understand the importance of it. Eren’s bickering with Jean, as well as his admiration for Reiner starts from there. 
“And even within their own group, average Sixes make it their business to find out who is pulling the weight and who is not... If others are not loyal or committed, it not only makes them angry, it threatens them.”
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Eren talks over and over about how he’s going to join the suicide squad, to the point people start making fun of him. But he is testing everyone’s commitment to the cause of “fighting titans” and he finds people like Jean, who only really want their safe life, as well as Reiner, who is dedicated and understands him immediately. Reiner becomes his new “authority figure”: whenever Eren’s failing, Reiner is there to understand him, to offer help and to remind him of why he’s there.
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“The loyalty of average Sixes for the people with whom they have identified is almost without bounds. They find it extremely difficult to break their emotional bonds, even should they desire to do so… Their love may, in time, turn to hatred but never to indifference.”
That one speaks for itself. It’s exactly how Eren felt upon RBA’s betrayal. He’s in total denial about Annie, while for Reiner/Berthold all he has left is rage. 
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Choosing who to trust is part of the type 6 identity. All of their beliefs, all their inner world is shaken if they are betrayed, because the network they build is how they find a safe space for themselves in the world and how they orient themselves. Annie was Eren’s parameter of fighter, Reiner was Eren’s parameter of leadership. The first backstab is too hard for him to process, we see it all unfold. He can’t admit she’s a traitor, and he doesn’t even have the will to transform and fight her. 
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The second one, however, is embraced somewhat faster and he’s even able to contain himself and play along. But it doesn’t change how deeply it affected him and how vengeful he gets. Years later, that hatred would dissipate, but never to indifference — Eren still feels a need for some closure between them. 
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I got ahead of myself on the timeline, so I’m going to rewind to the moment Eren joins the Survey Corps, which is his childhood dream. Erwin is his main authority figure now and you see that, even though Erwin locked him up, he trusts the guy. As Don Riso explains, the type 6 on Level 4 plays by the rules of his group because he strongly believes in those rules and they bring comfort to their minds. In reality, the SC doesn’t really know what they’re doing. Erwin himself doesn’t know how he’s gonna cross the walls and find out the truth. But Eren is devoted to them. Their cause is his cause and he knows how hard it is but what matters is they’re trying. Besides, they embrace him. They want to reach the basement and want to defend him on the court and want to investigate/use his titan power. Thus, for Eren, the SC is the most solid and welcoming place to be. He’ll do whatever they want from him. 
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However, Eren was about to find out that things were far from glorious out there. Although the Survey Corps work under strict “plans” that soldiers are supposed to follow blindly, Eren can’t just watch people being sacrificed to protect him. Especially when he has enough power to act in a more significant way than those individual humans. But how much control does he have over his own power? Eren can’t answer that, and he feels immensely conflicted as soldiers continue to drop dead. 
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In that moment, Levi could’ve forced him to follow his orders, and perhaps that would’ve eased his mind when he chose not to transform. But the captain is a different kind of leader than Erwin, and he challenges Eren instead:
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And I really appreciate how fitting that is to the type 6 conflit. It’s very difficult for them to accept it, sometimes there simply isn’t a clear path, sometimes it is okay to trust yourself and act on your own. But this is what Eren’s thinking:
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That didn’t turn out very well, did it? At the end of the expedition, Eren is forced to admit that the SC don’t have all the answers and that all his power and training can’t always keep everyone safe. He’s once again reminded of that after activating the Coordinate — not even the power to control titans can avoid sacrifices.
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Ideally, the type 6 can only reach the safety they seek once they allow themselves to move in the chaos with the courage to face it step by step, instead of predicting it. This may sound easy for others but not for them, especially if they are inserted in a reality where the cost of a mistake is lives.  
So we get to the Uprising arc. It starts with the Survey Corps planning the retake of Wall Maria while they put Eren through hardening experiments. Time is not on their side and Eren’s determined to go beyond his limits during the tests. 
“They consequently try to further strengthen their ‘social security’ systems by working harder to be accepted and approved by their allies and authorities… Others wonder if they resent the workloads and pressures they seem to be under, yet Sixes seem eager to fulfill their obligations and duties...”
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Eren’s entire world would fall apart again once he’s kidnapped by Rod Reiss and discovers the truth of his father’s sin. Like I said earlier, Grisha was one of Eren’s authority figures, and even though he was absent, the basement key and the promised truth kept son and father connected. Wherever Grisha was, Eren could still count on the answers he’d left behind. 
That is, until he is hit by a trainwreck of a revelation that his father killed an entire family and sacrificed himself to pass on the titans to him. Eren’s left completely lost, he no longer knows what to think of himself, of the world, of his father.
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He falls from Level 4 to Level 7:
“Sixes become trapped in an unhealthy pattern of self-disparagement and massive insecurity which reinforces feelings of inferiority and worthlessness, a marked deterioration from the indecision and evasiveness we saw [before].”
This shift to a much more confused and self-loathing state doesn’t last long because Eren has his friend’s support for now. Historia chooses to see his worth and let him live. Levi once again challenges him to make his own decision, and Eren manages to save the day.
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As Eren becomes aware of those destructive feelings, he tries to get rid of them by “fighting” himself, in an attempt to put himself back up.
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He realizes he isn’t alone and he doesn’t have to do everything on his own, people around him are also strong enough to stand up for themselves. That helps him return to a more average stage and it could have been the beginning of his growth... 
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Well, if only life wouldn’t have a surprise waiting for him at every corner. 
I hope you’re being able to follow and understand that we all have ups and downs in life. The levels of development represent exactly that, so it is common to find yourself in the same stage in different periods of your life. Nevertheless, after Eren learns the truth about the world and sees his future memories, it all goes downhill for him, no turning back anymore.  
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Here is what Riso comments on the ambivalence of the type 6 on Level 5:
“Sixes begin to follow the narrow path between the expectations of their allies and authorities and their need to resist having any further demands placed on them.”
Eren is overwhelmed by the view of the outside world. He has experienced his father’s memories first hand and it’s nothing like what he expected. No one around him has the same perspective. A lot of self-awareness and self-doubt emerge from the future memories he saw through Historia. Riso explains that on Level 5 the person starts to become more worried about how their allies feel about them. 
“They become skeptical of new views and ideas, feeling that they have already put a lot of effort into understanding the perspectives and approaches they already know.”
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Eren went from “I HATE TITANS ALL TITANS ARE MY ENEMIES DESTROY ‘EM ALL” to “titans are my people and they haven’t chosen this horrible outcome”. And that’s A LOT to process when you wrapped your life around that initial idea. But things are changing even faster, and his friends are talking about how the enemy could be reached out too. This thought needs to coexist in Eren with the clear image he has of the enemy, one that only he has accessed. Add to that how Eren was kept away from the Marleyan prisoners as Paradis also feared some kind of betrayal. As long as there’s people out there against them, he can’t so easily rest. 
Who knows at what point Eren returns to Level 6. The time skip is covered very loosely. But probably when he is feeling so lost that he actually comes to Historia to vent. 
“As in other types, to be functioning in this Level or lower usually indicates that there were extremely dysfunctional elements in the child’s environment.”
Self-explanatory. It’s even hard to talk about Level 6 because it is a point where Sixes start to overthink threats that aren’t that big, but in Eren’s case, the threat is 100% REAL and there’s a world isolating them and wishing for his people to die and throwing gigantic creatures at them. No big deal at all.
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Eren turns to the people who actually understand the urgency he feels. Floch is eager to follow him, while Zeke and Yelena have an actual plan. Eren says he’s acting out of his own decisions, and he sure is, but he has also left it in Zeke’s hands to set the course. At this point, it no longer is a positive thing for the type 6 to have reassurance instead of a grounding support, it’ll only leave them trapped in the current mentality. 
What would be more appropriate would be a balance between rejection…
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…and full acceptance.  
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(By the way, I can’t even know where Historia stands, since she let him do his thing, but I’m still using her here because of how immediate her reaction was, which could lead Eren to think he can’t risk telling anyone else. Unhealthy Sixes are just that paranoid.)
Zeke could have been Eren’s new “authority figure“ if their goals were the same. But more and more the only thing Eren is starting to rely on are the future memories.
Riso talks about how a violent environment would lead to violent actions and “they end up using the same aggressive tactics on others”. And I can draw a parallel with how Eren has been facing titans for so long and watched them take people from him, that he just feels aggression arise whenever he thinks of all the injustice he has witnessed. Same would happen later on, when he sees Ymir’s memories and finally decides to unleash this pain on the world.
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“It’s hard for Sixes to work for something. Instead, their energies are galvanized by being against people and things.”
Despite being highly conflicted and problematic, Eren so far has waited. It’s too hard at this point to fully engage with those dreams, but he has watched things unfold and allowed the Survey Corps to do their stuff and try to contact the outside world. On Level 7, the type 6 is just going through the day with little hope. When the SC reaches Marley and Eren meets the boy of his memories, he can no longer escape from facing himself.
“Tearful and obsequious, they are disgusted with themselves for not having been tough enough to stand on their own two feet, to defend themselves, to be independent.”
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Not only Eren, but Paradis as a whole, have been unable to be independent in a much bigger world, or this is how he sees it after Kyiomi monopolizes the resources and the pro-Eldians group rejects the island. Finally, Eren recognizes in himself the person who would be capable of trampling the kid he currently wants to save, and that leaves him disgusted.   
“They do not necessarily deceive others maliciously, but to escape punishment or abandonment. They believe they may be able to repair the damage they have caused...”
What Riso is saying here is that the type 6 feel the need to hide (themselves) so their loved ones won’t abandon them. And again, in Eren’s case, he has a damn good reason to think his loved ones might not be super happy if he said he was going to destroy the whole world. Let’s not forget they are the people who counted on him to save the world this whole time, and he is the person several people have been sacrificed for. 
All this pressure has brought him this low, but Eren reaches rock bottom when he allows himself to admit he wished for it all to be destroyed. Now, he can no longer face his family (as he would tell Falco) and he has little faith in himself. 
Again, Eren’s paranoias aren’t so far from reality because there is, indeed, a world against them, and that keeps feeding into his anxiety. Paradis’s progress is little and the future is uncertain. When the type 6 reaches Level 9, they can no longer get out of this spiral. They know it’s only a matter of time until the threat comes to them. So they call the threat upon themselves.
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Eren allowed himself to go as far as understanding his enemies and accepting that they’re the same, but with the declaration of war, he can’t wait anymore.
I already told you the reason: the type 6 needs to be able to predict. That’s the very core of their beings, their minds seek to control events. Striking first is their final attempt to make sure they won’t be taken by surprise. Ultimately, they are lost and desperate to find support again. Here’s what Riso says about the type 6 on Level 9:
“They may drop out, abasing themselves as vagrants and living in skid row conditions, thus allowing their health and minds to deteriorate to the point of no return.”
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It almost feels like Isayama has read this book, I swear to God. Yeah, that’s word by word what Eren does. He goes to enemy territory, injures himself and throws himself in war. Despite resisting for so long to a new perspective of his enemies, Eren allows himself to see them with his own eyes. All because he’s desperate to understand his enemy, desperate to understand himself (and what would lead to his decision) and desperate to run away from his friends. He is ashamed of choosing those future memories as his new authority figure, get it? They are the most certain thing in his life now. As much as he waited and as much as the SC tried, they don’t have any guaranteed future and it’s just too hard for the type 6, especially unhealthy Sixes, to wait. It’s impossible. 
Remember I said that Sixes want to feel understood? Well, I think Eren feels understood, to some degree, when he’s among those broken soldiers. They are relatable, more than anyone else. 
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“Neurotic Sixes bring disaster of some sort upon themselves not to end their relationship with authority figures, but to reestablish a protective one. [...] It is also important to notice that neurotic Sixes are masochist not because they take pleasure in suffering as such, but because they hope their suffering will bring someone to their side who’ll save them… as if to say, ‘Punish me, because I’ve been bad. Then you can love me again.’”
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In the mind of the unhealthy type 6, if he can’t find the answers, he can’t be there for his allies. If he fails his allies, he doesn’t deserve their support. But even when he feels he doesn’t deserve it and feels they won’t forgive him, he desperately needs it — the type 6 doesn’t know how to live without support. He is completely aware of his cowardice, he may unleash his despair in innocent people, he seeks punishment for his behavior and hopes for someone to end his pain.
“Unhealthy Sixes are self-defeating persons who are their worst enemies. If they persist in their masochist behavior, neurotic Sixes will drive away everyone on whom they depend. They will be abandoned and alone, the very things they most fear.”
Eren pushed everyone away, but deep down he waited for them to come to his rescue. He knew he was a lost cause, but still couldn’t let go of what he saw as a compromise, a duty to them. His completely cruel and extreme actions are, in enneagram terms, his way to not leave his allies adrift. But aren’t all his actions for his own freedom? I don’t think so, not entirely. There’s a reason the type 6 has been named “the loyalist” — they always, always see themselves as part of a group. And in the end, he saw himself in Ymir, someone who was trapped and waiting to be rescued, understood. Don Riso says the worst part of coming this low is how much Sixes hurt others while they hurt themselves, both because they want to harm everyone who doesn’t understand and to show people the worst in themselves; they want to punish and be punished at same the time.
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That is what I wanted to break down — Eren’s inner process. Yes, the type 6 is an ambivalent, contradicting personality type, precisely because that’s how they feel inside. Other enneagram types don’t escape from their own personal conflicts, that’s also important to point out. The enneagram does not define integrity, people capable of causing great harm exist in all types and no one from type 6 is fated to destroying the world — just in case that isn’t obvious. 
This post is heavy, I know. One of the things I love about SNK are the emotions it evokes and how human characters are. I’m so thankful to have followed Eren’s fascinating journey. He has never hit me as a one-dimensional character as some people claim. To me, Eren is not a chad, he’s not a monster, either. He’s just human. 
I’m thankful for this fandom as well. We’re a total mess but the monthly wait would’ve killed me without the crazy theories and the heated discussions.  
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sepublic · 4 years
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I’ve been binge reading all your amazingly thoughtful analyses and I was wondering, if you could give the Blight Twins their own episode, (like separate one for Edric and one for Emira because I’ve seen how twins don’t want to bunch together all the time and be their own person) what would you want it to be about?
           OH-HO, this is SUCH a flattering ask and I really must thank you for it! It means a lot…
           With Emira, I hate to be obvious, predictable, main-stream, and pick a low-hanging fruit… But I want her to meet Viney. Emira is someone who is concerned the most of the two about having an actual identity on her own, and this likely includes making friends… So why not go get to know the Detention Kids, who are already rebellious in their own way, but while still managing to flex their individuality?
           Just imagine an episode of Emira getting to know Viney, maybe wanting to be close… But Viney, well. She’s someone who’s defensive because she’s been hurt in the past, and after what she’s heard of the Blights and Emira’s penchant for illusions, she is rightfully going to be suspicious. So we’ll have Emira possibly wanting to abuse the Secret Room of Shortcuts for pranks, but then Viney wants to preserve it mostly as an educational tool, and Emira doesn’t CARE for education…
           And this could lead to Em perhaps being too dismissive and even harsh towards Viney, because she seems like someone who while she tries to self-reflect, she sometimes doesn’t fully realize when she’s just parroting her parents’ abuse. And so we have Emira learning to be more mature and straight-forward, to cease the pranks and mind Viney’s feelings and uncertainty… Being truthful and tender to lower her guard, and Emira actually having to openherself to another person that isn’t Edric.
          Perhaps Em admits WHY she’s like this to Viney, who also introduces her side of the story… And they get to be actual friends! Emira learns to respect who Viney is as well as her interests, Viney gives Em a chance and lets her in figuratively AND literally… Maybe Emira even discovers an actual enjoyment of certain classes beyond Illusions! Or she doesn’t, but either way she may not be too much like Viney, but that doesn’t mean they can’t be friends! And not being like someone she’s close to is… HONESTLY what Emira was aiming for, only now she can still respect these differences too!
          As for Edric…
          Edric is a dude who prioritizes companionship over all-else. But he’s also kind of a goofy kid sometimes, and that’s worth noting. Depending on how Lilith’s character development goes, and how she ALSO was someone who was clingy towards her own sister and didn’t respect Eda’s autonomy as an individual to be her own person, insisting that being together mattered most… I’d LOVE to see Lilith perhaps give Edric a few pointers on this, maybe here them talk about their feelings of crippling loneliness! Let Ed get to be a dumb kid sometimes while Lilith isn’t sure what to make of his antics while Luz just enables him. It’d be amazing to see Lilith and Edric talk about their respective relationship towards Amity…
          Ed knowing this is the lady Amity looked up to, having had reservations because she was a bootlicker; But then Lilith threw it all away –albeit not entirely willingly- for Eda and Luz! So, maybe she IS good for something after all…! Meanwhile, Lilith possibly knows of Amity’s occasional issues with her twin siblings…
          And she thinks of her own time with Eda. So, she decides to impart some wisdom to Edric, about how you should always love your sibling and never go too far, while still letting them be a person… And somewhere along the way, Edric realizes this wouldn’t just apply to him and Amity, but him and Emira too.
          Then Lilith and Edric form a found-family bond, maybe Ed accidentally calls her Mom as well… Maybe even Lilith lets him have fun with King and Owlbert, because the kid wanted pets as a child but never got them because of his strict parents! Not sure how King would feel about Edric though, but I could also imagine them getting into some WEIRD antics alongside Luz! And come to think of it…
          Maybe a pet WOULD help Edric’s issues, though unfortunately I can’t really see Lilith being able to help by getting in a good word with the Blight Parents given her, um, employment status. And if Edric could just get away with hiding a pet through illusions, he’d have probably done it by now, so. On another note, Lilith and Edric both wear glasses (or at least Lilith used to), so I’d LOVE to see the two become more comfortable about doing that around each other.
          For either twin, maybe both, I’d also like to explore their thoughts on Willow… They knew she was Amity’s best friend, but did they know WHY Amity cut ties? They seemed legit concerned in Lost in Language over the way ‘Amity treats people’, so I think the twins had worries about Amity pushing away her best friend like that, potentially because of their parents (though to what degree they had no idea)! Not to mention, how do the Twins feel about Boscha…?
          Boscha is ALSO a trouble-maker, and a bit of a bully herself; Though I don’t think to the same extent as Ed and Em were, and arguably without as much of a reason for it. This was someone Amity hung around with for years, do they know it was against her will? Surely the Twins realized how little Amity smiled around Boscha and her posse, did they have concerns that Amity was being too cold to them, not realizing Amity was forced to hang out with them to begin with?
          How do they feel about Boscha and Amity being on bad terms, about the former breaking the latter’s leg… And what was Boscha’s perspective on the two, and how Amity disliked them? Maybe Ed and Em are harsh towards Boscha for the Grudgby incident, but then they also seem pretty open-minded when it comes to people outside of their family… So maybe they consider Boscha’s side of the story and how Amity WAS cold to her and the others. And maybe the twins learn about what their parents ordered, and tell Boscha to give some peace of mind for her, to give closure…
          Sure it hurts for Boscha to hear Amity never DID like her, but in this case, it really IS for her own good. Maybe it’ll be like Understanding Willow, only instead of Luz it’s Ed and Em, and instead of Willow it’s Boscha; Perhaps we learn more of Boscha’s background, and we get to see her and Amity reconcile, perhaps with Boscha finally learning to respect Willow and Luz on Amity’s behalf… Or they at least acknowledge that both were put into a messed-up situation, a false and thus unhealthy friendship, and decide to leave without any grudges. Who knows?
           I’d honestly love to see Ed and Em perhaps act as like… surrogate older siblings to Boscha, because now they get to make more friends outside of the family (and at least their parents can’t disapprove of Boscha), and they talk about their own mutual concerns and thoughts of Amity, with the twins vouching for Amity while at the same time considering what Boscha has to say and relaying that… Maybe the twins, who are willing to be self-aware, even if they’re not the best at it, tell Boscha to cut out the bullying, that she doesn’t need to be on top or be beholden to what anyone else says!
          I think it’d be sweet, honestly, and I’d love to see more of Boscha’s friends for that matter! Because we know that while Amity was never close to any of them, she’s still an inherently good person and thus felt bad about injuring them in Grudgby; Especially since to Amity’s perspective, she’s no doubt been ‘lying’ to Boscha about their friendship, even if it wasn’t her fault!
          But, yeah… Sorry for getting a little off-topic, but given how much this show stresses relationships and found family, and blood-family being obligated to RESPECT the found family of their relatives… I just think it’d be fascinating to see, on top of Emira and Edric having their own personal journeys of self-discovery! Because as we see with Luz, being your own individual doesn’t mean cutting ties from everyone else, and arguably…
          Making new connections can HELP one make an identity! Because you still choose to make connections not out of obligation, need, and situation… But because it’s what you want and it’s all YOU as a result, because desires are a reflection of a person! And maybe then, Emira and Edric can go back to being Twins and closest friends, now closer than ever in a healthy sense, because now they’re still their own individuals and respect one another as such, and are fine with letting each other be people!
          That they know who they are, and so the Twins don’t need to worry about losing sight of that identity whenever they hang around, because in the end… While MAYBE some of their closeness came as a result of having no one else and needing companionship against their parents, I really do believe that Emira and Edric, despite potential fears suggesting otherwise, DO love and enjoy one another’s company and always will, perhaps more than they do others’! And as long as they’re their own people, that wouldn’t even be a bad thing, honestly…
          Just, the idea of Emira and Edric trying to figure out who they are separate from one another, and in learning so, their bond with each other becomes even stronger and healthier! That they become more comfortable, and more close, because they can afford to be truly honest without worrying about losing the other and having nobody else!
          Once the confusion of who they are is cleared, the Blight Twins can go back to enjoying one another unconditionally, neither worrying about being different nor the same! Just natural sibling love…! No more concern about losing oneself amidst the other, because Emira and Edric are truly their own people now, and thus they aren’t dependent upon one another and can be fully healthy to each other!
          Maybe by the end of their respective journeys, Emira and Edric learn to respect the wishes of one another, while still staying the same… With Edric realizing that he can’t hold onto Emira possessively, and Emira recognizing Edric’s genuine love and concern for her, that she doesn’t need to ‘cut ties’ to be her own person!
          …Look, I just have FEELINGS about these twins, because they’re the children of the Blight Parents and that alone implies issues, but we already SEE a few concerning things, and I just want them to reconcile after Grom and heal from the pain of rejection! Them being stood up is the last we see of Emira and Edric both in terms of official content and chronology, I demand CLOSURE and emotional reparations for these kids!
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littlemisssquiggles · 3 years
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Pinehead Headcanons: Oscar's Dreamscape: The Garden of Two Lovers
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@miki-13 asked "Okay I know we didn't get a lot of Oscar backstory, but I really do think that after the V8 finale, there's a new avenue to explore with Oscar. Why? Because as far as he knows, his friends, partner and love interest are dead. The people he's grown to care for over the course of V5-8 are suddenly gone. There's no way that's not gonna hurt him, even if Ozpin assures him that they're not dead. Because either way, he's been forcibly separated from them.
Heck, this could actually open up an avenue for him to talk about his own family life and why he lives with his aunt. Not to mention one of his allusions is to The Little Prince and he just arrived in a desert after leaving his Rose behind, and the whole story deals with death in general.
Actually, maybe that's how Oscar gets his semblance/ branches out with his magic! He wants to find the people he loves so badly and refuses to give up on them, that he finds a way to get the void/ communicate with them and possibly find a way to lay the groundwork for bringing them back!
Squiggles Answers:
Hey there Miki-chan. Pardon the late reply but I wanted to reserve my response to this as a new Pinehead headcanon post considering that, ironically, you and I share the same thoughts and theories about Oscar reaching out.
The idea I had is that Oscar would be able to connect to Ruby in the Other World in his dreams. Once again, I return to my old Oscar’s Dreamscape Pinehead headcanon from donkey years ago. Essentially, through his unyielding love for his rose and his deep desires to reunite with her again in some shape or form, Oscar unintentionally creates the Dreamscape.
And what the Dreamscape is is that it is this magical place that transcends reality and only exists through the shared bond between Oscar and Ruby. Picture a shallow stagnant sea that mirrors an endless sunset sky. A perfect blend of the warm embrace of the sun and the tranquil beauty of the moon that paves the path towards a small garden that sits in the middle of this mysterious magical place.
And it is in this garden where Oscar meets Ruby in his dreams and vice versa.
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Remember how it was said that the Little Prince fairy-tale ended ambiguously with the reader never knowing the truth of the prince’s fate after he was poisoned by the snake and “went to sleep”.
Some iteration believed the prince to have died and gone back to his home planet in spirit to be with his rose while another interpretation described the Prince returning home only to discover that his rose had died in his absence without him present to take care of her.
Either way, the allusion is that the prince does indeed reunite with his rose but in a manner that is still tragic when you look at it. Going off of that, this is why I love the concept of Oscar connecting to Ruby in sleep with the two meeting and communicating with each other in their dreams through unknown power originated from Oscar. Only it’s NOT exactly a semblance. Nor is it exactly magic either.
One of my favourite quotes from the Lost Fable episode back in V6 is when Jinn described a power much greater than magic that caused Salem and Ozma to recognize one another in their new lives.
“…Call it magic or call it something stronger, but in that moment, the two knew exactly who stood before them…”
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In the Lost Fable, Jinn made it seem as if loveis an element more powerful than even the likes of magic; as cheesy as that might sound. So if love is able to transcend life and death to cause two kindred souls to recognize each other in another life in another time time, what’s stopping it from transcending worlds to bring together another pair of kindred souls?
So as corny as this is going to sound, the hopeless romantic in me cannot help but swoon over the thought of love being what creates the Dreamscape and/or brings Ruby and Oscar together in such a place that only they can traverse.
It is a power that was born from Ruby and Oscar’s shared love for one another and desire to reunite with each other and thus it’s a power that only they share together. The Rosegarden in the Dreamscape is theirs.
In the beginning, on the first night the two reunite in their dreams, the Dreamscape was believed to be solely of Oscar’s doing but in reality, it was a special new world that belonged to both the little prince and his true rose alone.
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Okay, hear me out with this one. The reason why I’m thinking the Dreamscape was believed to be Oscar’s power alone in the beginning was because when it all started, the Dreamscape mainly reacted to Oscar. On his end, let’s say…Oscar wished so desperately to see Ruby again that unbeknownst to him; the Dreamscape was forged just so Oscar could accomplish his heart’s wish---to see his rose.
Thus, Oscar is able to see Ruby in their dreams and she in turn is able to see and talk to him between worlds but only in sleep. However, that is extent of the Dreamscape through Oscar’s influence. The two can communicate but they can’t physically touch or feel one another.
Because I have this idea of Ruby and Oscar growing closer to each other than they’ve ever been before since they’re able to meet in Dreamscape. However it’s also this painful thing where despite being together in their dreams, they’re still not together when they are constantly reminded that they can’t touch each other.
Like imagine a moment where the two rosebuds are bonding in the Dreamscape, trying to come up with way to reunite together, swapping backstories and secrets about themselves with each other that they’ve never told anyone else only for one of them---mainly Oscar--- to get lost in the euphoria of the moment and attempt to reach out and touch the other person only to be painfully reminded, that they’re not truly there. They’re still separated despite how close the Dreamscape has brought them.
The only time when the Dreamscape is actually able is to make Ruby and Oscar interact physically is when that becomes Ruby’s wish.
Okay, hear me out again.
I have this scenario in my head where Oscar suffers a mental breakdown as a result of being poisoned during an encounter with Tyrian Callows. Remember how Tyrian’s venom caused Qrow to suffer and hallucinate back in V4?
Well picture something similar with Oscar where he falls into a sort of light coma as a result of being poisoned. Let’s say…as a result of the venom, Oscar is transported to the Dreamscape where ALL of his inner demons---the true feeling and fears he’s been suppressing for a long time---suddenly manifest inside this world to torment him and berate him.
And let’s say…on the other end, in the Other World, Ruby becomes worried for Oscar’s well-being when he doesn’t make contact with her in the Dreamscape for some time. And let’s say…due to her connection with Oscar, which became stronger as a result of them bonding in the dream world, Ruby is able to sense when something is wrong with Oscar due to her having a weird feeling in her chest. Almost as if her heart was beckoning her somewhere else. To take her to the person she wanted to see who needed her help. Or something like that.
In a nutshell, Ruby is able to enter the Dreamscape on her own through her connection with Oscar. At first, Ruby mostly relied on Oscar to bring her to the Dreamscape but when Oscar was in trouble, Ruby used their link to take her there as an alternative means.
To make a long theory short, Ruby arrives in the Dreamscape to find the once magical dream world in dark chaos ---basically imagine being on the outside of a tornado.
The Dreamscape had turned into a rampant storm to reflect Oscar’s darkest inner emotions which were spiralling out of control before Ruby’s very eyes.
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Remember how in Steven Universe, in the episode that debuted the “Here Comes A Thought” song, remember how Steven’s true feelings about Jasper, Bismuth and his mother started to manifest before him and Connie while they were fused as Stevonnie during training?
Picture a moment like that with Oscar in the Dreamscape where Oscar’s fears take form---at first taking on the appearance of Oscar’s old self dressed in his old farm boy attire belittling Oscar for leaving home to be among people who he didn’t fully believe trusted or even actually cared him---unearthing Oscar’s thoughts and repressed emotions from the events of V6.
Then the Dreamscape manifests Ironwood to belittle Oscar for his repressed emotions from the events of V7. Then it transforms into Salem to taunt and humiliate Oscar over his repressed trauma as a result of being her prisoner during the events of V8 and being tortured.
You get what I’m saying, right? Whatever Oscar has been repressing for so long, the Dreamscape manifests it as a being of spite to through it all back in Oscar’s face when he was most vulnerable. Finally, as Ruby enters the fray, the Dreamscape takes on a new form.
Here’s another concept to toss onto the Fake Rose table. Imagine if…the Fake Rose isn’t another silver eyed warrior or rose-themed person who takes an interest in Oscar.
What if…the Fake Rose is actually a replica of Ruby manifested by the Dreamscape to reveal Oscar’s true feelings and fears in respect to Ruby?
Assuming that you’re an ole-school Potterhead like yours truly Miki-chan, remember the last book/movie?
Remember that one scene in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows involving the locket? Remember how the locket made an apparition of Harry and Hermione appear before Ron to voice his jealousy and inferiority when compared to Harry especially in the eyes of Hermione who he believed loved Harry over him.
Picture something like that with a Fake Ruby Rose---Mocking Oscar over his “childish” love for his rose, as if he actually stood a chance of being with her given the Merge and any other insecurities that Oscar secretly harboured that he’d supressed for so long.
Picture that. Imagine…something like that happening so that it could ultimately lead into Ruby denouncing ever fear of Oscar’s voiced by her fake copy as this rose---the one true rose did her best to comfort her prince.
It’s a moment where Ruby words unfortunately don’t reach Oscar. Thus, Ruby tries to one way she’s always reached out to him. Through a gentle comforting touch. In that moment, Ruby wishes for Oscar to feelher there beside him.
To feel her arms wrapped around him and the warmth of the hug she dared to give him since she wanted more than anything to be able to comfort him through the storm. And for a second time, through the power of love (mixed in with just a smidge of their share magic inherited from the God of Light possibly), the Dreamscape grants Ruby’s wish and Oscar is able to feel her for the first time since they met in the dream world. To feel her arms around him as she embraced him tightly with all the love and care for him she could channel in that moment.
And just like that, all becomes calm as the storm disappeared; softening to a gentle breeze against a beautifully sunlit sky; revealing two hearts embraced; once seperated but now together at long last in the world of their own created from their shared love.
Basically picture the Dreamscape as this magical world brought to life by the love and heart’s desires of two star-crossed lovers separated by fate and lost to two realities. Thus the Dreamscape mirrors the feelings and grants the desires of these two lovers since they are the rulersof said world as its creators. Thus it is a world that is only attainable by them. A world of their own. A world of dreams to grant the wishes of two lost souls in love.
I’d love to go more in depth into this revised Dreamscapeidea of mine for the Rosegarden pair. However for the time being, this is concept that I have in mind and is all that I have to share for now. What do you think?
~ LittleMissSquiggles (2021)
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lustfordespair · 3 years
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Crimson & Clover [ Peter Quill X Reader ]
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Note: This story takes place after Endgame! (Y/N) has been with the Guardians since the ending of the movie, she was originally with the Avengers but she wanted to travel with Earth's Mightiest Hero, Thor. Over time after looking for Gamora, they choose to take a break, thus developing (Y/N) and Peter's.. unspoken thing. Their bond grows quite close over time and soon closer once Quill finds out her love for old music. Also, I have this story posted on Wattpad as well, but it’s with an oc, so I made a reader one on here:) Anyways, enjoy the story!
They travelled peacefully in the Milano, Nebula relaxing in the corner next to (Y/N) whilst Rocket, Drax, Groot, Mantis, and Thor made casual conversation, sometimes bullying Quill and stating that Thor was better than him (which that comment was mostly made by Rocket ) Quill would ignore the animal, focused on piloting the spacecraft.
"So (Y/N), how was life on Earth? You were there longer than Quill, correct?" Mantis asked the (H/C), (Y/N) sat up and formed a smile on her face, "Aha, yes correct. Life on Earth has changed a lot since Quill was last there. Walkmans turned into spotify and cameras turned into iphones. Music has changed a lot since then too." She answered. Mantis nodded as she got her responses.
"I bet you don't even know the amazing way music used to be. 70's / 80's are the best and always will be." Quill stated, "I find music in general quite annoying at times, I enjoy the silence." Thor spoke. Peter rolled his eyes, which stated he didn't care for a response from him.
(Y/N) stood up and made her way to the speakers of the Milano and connected the Ipod she still had from Terra, soon music made it's way through the speakers, it blasted modern day music, she played a Lady Gaga song as a joke, to be specific 'Paparazzi' Quill put the Milano in auto-pilot immediately and got up.
"Wha-What kind of music is this?" he shouted, "You've just proven my statement to be correct, (Y/N) ." The woman ignored him and playfully sang along with the song, the walked towards Nebula and laid on her, dramatically singing the song which caused Mantis and Thor to chuckle. "You look like an idiot!" Rocket stated as soon as he bursted into laughter. "Why thank you very much!" She replied. She quickly got of Nebula, lucky enough that she was able to lay there even for a second. Quill simply rolled his eyes, crossed his arms, and chuckled at the dork she was being "Got any better music than that?" he questioned.
(Y/N) smiled, staring up at the man, "Well I do indeed as a matter of fact, maybe something you'd like." she grabbed the Ipod and scrolled through it, finding one of her most favorite songs in the world.
Ahhh
Now I don't hardly know her..
She started swaying to the music and singing it softly to herself, whilst the rest of the Guardians went to their rooms, knowing there was some type of chemistry going on between the two, before Groot heads out, she grabs the teenage plant by the hand and begins to dance with him. Rocket, Mantis, and Drax staying behind watching them.
But I think I could love her
Crimson and clover..
(Y/N) kept dancing with the plant who was confused but yet enjoyed the attention, Drax walks up next to Quill and whispers to him, saying words he once said before , "There are those who dance and there are those who do not. (Y/N) does. You do. The two of you are equally pathetic." Mantis walks up towards the two and places a hand on Quill's, "I can tell you do have romantic feelings for her, why don't you go for it?" she asked.
The man removed his hand from Mantis' touch and sighed, "But.. Gamora." he spoke, being cut off by a surprising Nebula, "This Gamora is different Quill. She does not remember you or anything that happened after 2014, sadly all we know she is was snapped away with Thanos or the simple fact.. she does not want to be found if she is hiding this hard." The three looked at Nebula, surprised she would even make a statement in this situation.
Mantis made her way towards (Y/N) and Groot, tapping the male on the shoulder, signaling him to move, with that and no hesitation Mantis began dancing with (Y/N), with the only intention to touch her hand.
Ah,
when she comes walking over
Now I've been waiting to show her..
While (Y/N) was confused why the lady danced with her, Mantis touched her hand, realizing the (H/C) felt the same way towards Quill, perhaps even stronger feelings. "Do you like Peter?" she asked, (Y/N) dumbfounded by the question, blush appearing on her face, "I-If I'm being honest, I like like him a lot and I wouldn't really tell that to anyone but you." Mantis smiled brightly, stopped dancing with the girl and walked away, whispering to the male, "She feels the same." with that comment, the rest left and Quill watched as she danced alone as if no one was watching.
Crimson and clover..
Over and over..
Quill slowly walked up to her, "May I?" he asked, she nodded, placing her hand on his shoulder and one in his hand while he placed the other on her waist. The two danced peacefully together, swaying to the music.
Yeah
My, my such a sweet thing..
(Y/N) didn't once look Peter in the eye, she was still blushing from the question Mantis asked and over the fact she was dancing with the man she found really attractive, charming, and dorky. Peter couldn't help but stare down at her, she was much shorter than him, a small smile formed on his face. Ever since they lost Gamora and were unable to find the 2014 Gamora, Quill hasn't felt very much happy unless he was around (Y/N). He'd be lying if he said he didn't like her, hell maybe even love her after the time and bond they've created together, but he still felt his heart belonged to the Gamora who was no longer with them.
"Hey" the man spoke, causing (Y/N) to finally lift her head up at him, making direct eye contact. It was weird, Quill never felt this way towards anyone besides... you know who. When the 5'4 girl looked up at him, into his eyes, he couldn't but think about how cute she is. Then he remembers Drax's words, 'There are those who dance and those who do not' then Nebula's, 'This Gamora is different Quill, she does not remember you or anything that happened after 2014.' The man then thought to himself, the fact that Gamora cared about him and the fact he was sure she wouldn't want him moping around all the time and missing her. "Quill?" the girl spoke softly, his attention brought back to her, the words that came out of his mouth was something he or (Y/N) didn't expect him to say, "You're so beautiful.." his voice was soft, like hers, maybe even emotional as well.
Although the two knew each other for a couple months, (Y/N) could imagine a future with the man dancing with her, perhaps she was thinking too far, "I'm sorry?" she asked with a confused look, her eyebrow raised and her lips pressed to a thin line. The two kept dancing, "I, uh, said you're very beautiful." He repeated. Peter loved Gamora, now here he his falling for the woman standing before him, at times he would find himself admiring her curves, the way her dimples formed when she smiled, how adorable she was when she laughed, and even the way her hair would fall down after she removed her ponytail after a battle or some sort. He felt no hope for Gamora, the Gamora he knew was gone and the one that exists now.. doesn't remember him or anything else after. So, he decided to give this a shot.
I wanna do everything..
"Listen, (Y/N), I-I like you. A lot even.." he began, "I like you so much I don't know what to do..if I'm being honest, I wanna be with you but I can't help but think about-" "Gamora?" she cut him off, truthfully she expected this, "Yes.. Gamora. But then I have Mantis telling me to go for it, Nebula saying the Gamora today doesn't remember me or anything that happened after 2014 and that if we still have yet to find her, she probably doesn't wanna be found. Even Drax saying how equally pathetic we are." he removed himself from her, standing there, no longer dancing.
The music still played, "And I have Rocket making fun of me for adoring you, Thor constantly teasing me, along with Mantis telling me to go for it." she confessed. After realizing she basically confessed her feelings towards the man, she sighed crossing her arms, "Look, it's all your choice Quill. If you want to give this, us, a shot. I'm not going to force you." (Y/N) turned and began to walk away to her room.
Before she fully exited, Peter grabbed her by the wrist, turning her around and placing a soft desperate kiss on her lips. (Y/N) was shocked but soon found herself returning the kiss.
What a beautiful feeling..
Crimson and clover
Over and over..
The dirty blonde male pulled away, "I do. I do wanna give this a shot." he admitted. "Like I really REALLY wanna give us a shot, you have no idea how bad I want to (Y/N), I just-" the woman placed a finger on his lips and giggled softly, "Shut up and kiss me again, Star-Lord." Once he heard her say that, he immediately kissed her again.
Crimson and clover
Over and over
Crimson and clover
Over and over
"Wanna maybe, I dunno, head to my room?" he asked, winking at her. Knowing what he was obviously implying, she rolled her eyes and replied, "Sure. But my only limit is cuddling Quill, nothing else." Peter sighed, "You called me Star-Lord man.. come on that's like my automatic turn on." (Y/N) simply grabbed his hand and walked towards his sleeping quarters, "Cuddles and kisses." she repeated then whispered, "Maybe something else if you get lucky enough in the future.." Peter blushed and smiled like an idiot, he knew he was gonna enjoy this girl and he knew he made the correct choice of giving this a chance.
Crimson and clover
Over and over
Crimson and clover
Over and over
And like (Y/N), Quill could see a whole future with this woman in front of him.
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dropsofletters · 4 years
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to the man who broke my heart
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title: to the man who broke my heart pairing: yoo kihyun/reader genre: runaway!au/1990’s!au/friends with benefits!au/rich kids!au summary: behind flashing cameras and news articles, people don't realize the emotional pressure and stress celebrities, from any industry, go through. that's something she has bonded about with yoo kihyun, co-owner of a business just like herself, seeking for power in other forms rather than money. the only way they can commit to their dreams, however, is by running away from such a world. will they be able to withstand the idea of being out of the public? type: angst/fluff/romance/suggestive word count: 9,799
The nineties are so posh, so sufficiently cocky that it would leave anyone with a bitter taste on their mouths. The upstanding point of friendships, of growth, of ambition, of leaving nostalgia behind for more futuristic beings. People cared so much that they stopped caring, earning this fashionable yet futuristically invasive mindset that, on the long run, will be an issue to society.
For anyone but the ones with the riches in the world, whose nine-to-five jobs consist of socialite invitations and whom will only grow stronger with their exclusive clubs, their bright and enigmatic personas that will always be a societal rule. Those who have money never get old, never run out of this je ne se quoi people desire to have—it only heightens if that person is good to the public eye, a role model of sorts.
This life is so easy. Her life is so easy. For the love of absolute money, she gets to have one of the best cars of the decade, a porsche that sits at the front of her favorite lounge, heels clicking against the pavement as the welcoming of her entrance, not even sparing the security guard a second glance when she finally enters her desired Saturday-night spot. To be honest, it’s not really simple to live a life like this—so superficial, immensely so, to the point she feels a little bit dizzy simply from stepping inside and hearing the infamous tune of a popular band playing, the rock, grunge-y tone what is in fashion nowadays.
From Mondays to Fridays, people imagine her to be certain way. In light of feminine power opening up to society as a norm, rather normality, it is still quite strange how magazines about the richest of individuals in the country, heck, even internationally, portray her as this gal of fashion, like a makeup enthusiast or an actress. Anyone who didn’t know her would never guess that, while still pretty young and definitely guided by a manager, certain staff to keep her on check, she invests rather than socialize. The usual concept that people misunderstand in such a place, her localities treating her like another blank dot in the famous environment.
You just have to be stupid.
Everyone thinks that is all it consists about. You have to entertain, give a little bit of drama, with the tiniest bit of professionalism, with an apology here and a rumor there and there you have it: the rich lifestyle.
Someone like Yoo Kihyun understands, along with her, that there is more to that statement.
This lounge—rather, this nightclub, everything is so relaxed nowadays (or pretends to be) that she has to call it that way, is their current meeting spot. In between seas of people dancing together, some wearing pointless sunglasses, loose fitted shirts, others standing on tables and yet a handful of people eating from those same tables indicates that she has gotten there at its peak in time. It’s easy to figure out where Kihyun may be, in all his delightfully alluring glory. Someone like him was crafted from all the wrecked pieces of the world, taking the most stunning of diamonds and the poise of the ocean to create him. Him, whom in some way or another gravitated towards her. Him, who understood the complexity of being part of a world and yet, being so far away from it. There is a difference between the owners of the circus and the ones who get to display their talents, yet, it’s ever a rarity to not put them together.
From the first moment she saw him, three years ago in 1991, she knew she’d fall for him. The type of falling that comes with being bored, with having too much time to spare and too many thoughts to get cherished by. If fame is a drug, daydreaming can count as one, too. At the time, his black hair had fell over his forehead romantically, eyes going upper and upper—no, even higher than the sky itself to create constellations with that smile of his, the one that rounds his cheeks, makes the tip of his nose more prominent and his heart less unreachable. He is a man that could be played with...if ignorance takes the best of you and you dismiss his intelligence, his strictfulness, his nature that says:
I’ll do what I want, when I want, because I want.
At the time, it was not a party. Hell, at the time her investments were not even as big as now, and yet, they had grown together. All they could have spoken about then was the growth of the telephonic industry after this decade, how the world seems to rotate more in socialties now that it has developed. A friend of a friend of a friend sort of thing, this is how the world sells. His intelligence had captured her, because past business he sees the world as an experiment. How long will it take until everyone lose their essence to be the copy to the neighbor, who is also a copy of someone else.
Kihyun believes in cycles, in routines, that is why they meet in that nightclub every single Saturday night, eight twenty-two on the dot and instead of dancing, he is simply in the corner, giving her that infamous smile from afar, like he really means to give a serious meaning to them later on in life.
He will, actually, he seems like the type—she is an investor of car companies, surely growing stronger and definitely a huge name that goes around far too much for anyone’s liking. Kihyun is developing cell phones, creates new pieces that only get better with time. He says ten years from now, he’ll get even more innovative. As of now, reuniting and pretending to be friends is easier, mainly because they have so much to lose. People like them do not get magazine covers, they don’t get to be called ‘the new Winona Ryder and Johnny Depp’, they are simply compared.
Who’s richer?
Who’s stronger?
Whose career is bound to finish easier?
This time around, cladded in a black sweater, she moves faster to get to the spot beside him, but just in time before she would sit down, she feels his hand gliding across her back, absentmindedly igniting her skin with trembles when he caresses the small bit that trails down her back in this pink cropped sweater of hers. The weather is cold, not cold enough to not feel put-together for once. He brings her closer, half sitting on the comfortable chair and half seated on his thigh, his fingers pointing at the TV screen not too far ahead with a gullible smile on his face. Whatever got Kihyun to smile like a little kid really must have amused him.
“Look at that.” But how does she look at anything else but him? That is the question, the same one she asks herself when she doesn’t permit herself to stay the night with him or when they come to the agreement to wait. Wait until they rot, maybe, but that is far from the point. Instead, she likes to cling to Saturdays, the only day in which Kihyun is not wearing a suit or holding tightly onto his phone. Thus, she does stop looking at him, instead settling her gaze on the TV ahead and trying to catch anything of what the news reporter is saying.
She doesn’t, actually, pretty difficult to do such a thing when everyone is singing along to music, grinding on each other and basically living their lives away for one night. She fixes herself on her seat when she gets to read the headlines, see the pictures that display on the screen just in time for her to scoff. “No way...”
“I can’t actually believe they did it,” Kihyun says, his arm still wrapped around her waist, his voice tickling her shoulder from the fair proximity in between the two. “They actually ran away.”
She gives him a side-eye, though she has to turn her head to look at him, bangs swept to the side softly, falling upon his face ever so slightly. He should use more hairspray, but that is not him—those are the try-hards of this fashion momentum, but not him. “This is so insane.” Two of their friends, a couple to be exact, had bonded with them about the complexity of this life and the toxicity of the public eye that feels like they own celebrities, or socialites, or anyone who dares to show their lives to the masses. This is only heightened in fear when corporations tighten their holds on younger individuals, crafting perfect products, immaculate businesspeople and yet, voids in their hearts. “Props to them. I—They really ran away. People think they are missing, but...do you think they really are missing or left to Barbados like they wanted to?”
“No way. They’ve been talking about leaving for the past few weeks and they said May was their month. Of course they’d leave now. It’s a plan.” Kihyun utters, intelligence in numbers clear as day as he rests his cheek against his palm, letting out a sigh. “...I wonder what that feels like.”
While opening the menu to read over the specials, she hums. “What?”
“Running away.”
“...You could never want such a thing, though.” She tells him, knowing him better than he could ever know himself. Though, he simply leans back on his seat, playing with the straw of his first drink before sighing.
“I know...” He trails and she knows there’s a counterpart to it. “But,” There it is, the initiation of a glimpse of Kihyun’s complicated mindset, yet so enticing. “It’s tiresome. This industry is only getting tougher, more sold, one day there won’t be a line between investments in technology, in music, in theater and plain out illegal stuff.” He answers, something in his eyes completely understandable to her. In this industry, people are obsessed with feeling...and with that, winning. To win, you have to take down any competition. “I don’t ever want to be part of that.”
She nudges his side with her body, resting her head on his shoulder. “You’ll never have to go through that.”
“I hope.” Kihyun breathes out before nodding her way. “Would you want to leave?”
It takes her two seconds. No, even less. She gives him an answer immediately. “Hell yeah.”
“That was quick.”
“It’s because I’ve always thought of it.”
“...I know like 97% of your personal life and I had never heard you say you want to leave.” He whispers close to her, tapping his fingers against the table in some rhythm that matches the song in the background. “Where is this coming from, in your case?”
“It’s more insecurity than anything,” And she is intelligent enough to realize this, pushing the menu down and standing up to go ask for her meal. Something greasy seems about right for this night, leaving her full and yet, satisfied. “I know I'm not...the typical investor. One, I’m a woman. Two, all the articles have dismissed me as one of the least interesting business owners. I’m never going to be one of the Thirty Under Thirty and—” It stings, it hurts, it makes her feel like there is something wrong with her, when in reality all the downsides are part of who she is. Young. A woman. Technically part of a family of interesting, immaculate individuals whom she has to compete with in order to stand out. “I would love to stop being compared to my cousins for a second. I’d love for magazines to stop using me as the stereotype of a successful, yet boring and bland woman on one of those articles of ‘10 ways you’re going to lose your man’ and...” She cuts herself off then, laughing when Kihyun starts to catch her humor. “Really, Kihyun, I’m the picture of the woman that appears on the third way or something. ‘You’re paying much attention to work and less to sex. He’ll get bored of you’. This bullshit of a society really gets me, because the public and our business-people are equally as draining, let me tell you.”
“Just, stop—” He chuckles, shaking his head along to her words. “You...okay, that’s not going to make you lose any man.”
“I’m not interested in who I lose,” She tells him, biting down on her bottom lip after shrugging. “I’m more of a ‘who-I-keep’ kind of person.”
“Bossy.”
“The boss, yes.” She replies, though she breaks character fairly soon. Why is it that there is always this voice biting at her life in the back of her head, telling her to stop pretending? “...Not that I’ll be at this point. My business is owned by four of our generation, my cousins and I and I am the fourth in line. If the other three die, I’ll take their spot.”
“If they don’t realize the gem you are business-wise, I support you completely in running away.” This is just a joke, after all, none of them would ever be able to leave this city, much less leave their businesses behind. They have families to make proud, friends to keep around, money to take care of and people with jobs to help out. They are far too busy to have the fantasy of a romantic vacation.
“Thank you.” Looking to the sides just in case anyone is watching—though, no one cares about others than the fan-based celebrities—, she leans forward to capture his lips in a brief, sweet, almost innocent kiss before smiling at him. “I’m thinking burgers for tonight.”
“It’s on me, then.”
💔
What does a president have to do with a singer? An actor with a robber? What connects the world in every stance of it?
Money.
Money does.
Mocked she feels like when she sits in the middle of this meeting room, people with suitcases and elegant clothing surrounding her, poison in their bloods as the thrive for money. She has been reached by this injection of power, a golden necklace hanging from her neck, resting upon the neckline of her black button down, half opened to give it a casual look. Her hands, obsessed with holding papers in between them to gain another eventful contract, are decorated in equally as golden rings. Everything about her speaks like a product, and it is the same getaway of her destructive mechanism.
Bad, how bad it is that the red lipstick on her only feels like a mask, how she pleads to the world to free her from the curse of money, crafted like a masterpiece, almost like a building that is still under construction. Money is what will burn her one day, and it starts with the simplistic title of betrayal. The people in said room are speaking about the loss of one of their sponsored individuals, exactly in the rap industry—Jooheon had signed his contract off with them, instead siding with Kihyun’s business, leaving them in absolute turmoil. It is easy to lose the youthful demographic if a rapper simply shrugs off some cars for a phone. It means their product, as known as it is, is just another line in the drawing that is the world of businesses.
Eyes are casted upon her, mostly her cousins’, as if glaring at her, knowing of her relationship with Kihyun, the silent love she exudes for the man, always talking about him like grace itself, as if the gods had put all the beauty and wellness of the world on his shoulders. Her long nails glide across the pictures of Jooheon’s appearance in Kihyun’s business new commercial and by her side, she sees the contract that had been signed off, the money he gave them back and for some reason, she swallows thickly.
“We need you to cut ties with Kihyun.” Her oldest cousin says, the first in line, her hair perfectly put-together even in such an early time in the morning. Something about her has always been scary, like she would never give anyone a smile, not even if there was a camera in front of her. “...I don’t want to keep going around the subject. He has only been using you to get closer to our clients and snatch them away.”
But that is impossible. It’s more possible for the sky to burn and dull its light than for Kihyun to even betray her. Poison doesn’t linger on his veins, but he is intelligent. Perhaps, this is just a movement of the bigger beings of his company, not exactly a family-based one, but one of those more experienced CEO’s that help him in bigger decisions. “I doubt he made that decision.” Her mind remains blank, however, trying to defend him in any way possible...but money could cut the fondest of bonds. “Kihyun has like five people before him in his company. I imagine they offered Jooheon more money, for instance, and since Jooheon wants to reach a youthful audience, it is easier to sell a phone than to sell a car—”
“But your job is to sell cars, to invest on them, to earn that money with hard work.” Her cousin continues, tilting her head to the side when she leans forward on the table. “Our sales dropped. We don’t care if Jooheon’s seventeen-year-old fans have money, we care about selling.”
“It’s not the most intelligent of business moves, actually. I told you so before.” She fights back, crossing one leg over the other as if to gain confidence. She doesn’t, almost suffocated under her cousin’s dark stare. “Jooheon may have enough money to buy a car, but we create sports cars. We don’t need Jooheon—”
“And Kihyun does?”
“Well, a phone is cheaper than a car.”
Her cousin releases a sigh, leaning her forehead against the table and pointing at one of her workers to speak for her. “Miss, we need you to cut ties with Kihyun. Sponsors and investors will be immensely turned off by our offers if we make them lose money.”
“We still have other sponsors in the celebrity industry, though.” She defends, knowing well that there is one person that keeps her same in the world of the movement of money. The only person that sees the fun in this superficial matter, whose movements are not always for socializing but rather to enjoy himself. “We have actor Lee Minho with us. He’s more of franchise, he is older than Jooheon, definitely richer, his fans are older as well...”
Her oldest cousin lifts her body up at that, fingertips wrapping around her hair to keep the strands up and away. However, her frustration is voiced out by the third in line, always sweeter than the boss of the cousins. “Kihyun knew about this,” She starts. “And everyone is aware of your friendship. Paparazzi, socialites, the world knows you two get along well, but we just need a headline.”
“Headline?” Confusion takes over her, folding her hands over her lap, playing with the edge of her shirt. Everything about her life has always been so expensive, so crafted, and seeing the only real thing that stays being pushed away and out of her life is a trigger.
“What she is trying to say.” Her third cousin points towards the first cousin in line for the car company. “She’s meaning to tell you that we need to paint Kihyun as the bad guy. His reputation being tainted by us, using your friendship with him, painting him as a betrayer will only work to our favor. Just imagine it.” She utters, a smile grazing her features, yet it speaks about everything rather than comfort. “Yoo Kihyun’s new personality. Hindsight from our favorite cousins about how the phone-company owner betrayed one of his friends to get to the top.”
Sickening, it feels like, to dress on money-coated clothes, to have all the gold in the world and all the space to live in, even going as far as a spot to die in...and yet, still feel so lonely, so misunderstood. This is the corporation part, the obnoxiously painful part of it all that speaks about stepping harder than others—a dance of flamenco, worth of being applauded thanks to its artistry excellence...significative in the horrendousness of life. “I’m not going to do that.”
“...Then, watch millions burn in the air, people losing their jobs because of you.” The oldest cousin says once again, leaving a bitter taste of her mouth and, for a moment, it’s difficult to even swallow.
“It’s not going to get that far.”
“How do you know?”
“I—Listen, it’s impossible. Jooheon is not an influence to the entire world, it’s the 90’s, there is a solution to this.” She responds, standing up from her spot and running her hands over the expanse of her abdomen, wanting to smooth the fabric there. “What’s with all the money-talk now? We have been doing excellently this year, don’t worry.”
The leader cousin ignores her, crossing her arms over her chest to highlight her poised stance. “I’ll worry. This is the business train, you either get on it or you don’t.”
At the time, she couldn’t come up with a proper response. She was scared. Now, laying down on a hotel bed whilst hoping no paparazzi caught her trace, she thinks of a million outcomes.
How not to feel powerful when he is by her side? In this hotel, like they have always belonged somewhere and it is with the other. Truthfully, Kihyun is not simply just any man, which is why it is not difficult for him to make fire out of water, to turn tears into laughter, into passion, absolute tranquility with this burning, heated desire to be stronger. Miniscule beings do not exist in Kihyun’s language and though his height is something people mock him for, he finds his strength as a person to be gigantic. That is...until someone tears him to shreds.
Kihyun is not only the man that has glided his hands across the skin of her thighs in search for her heart. He is not only a scientist that has played with the hormones of love in order to get her tranced. He’s not only a coworker, of sorts, a man that knows the life she lives—Kihyun is that one guy who has seen her bare, not only in body but in soul, the one person that understands she will never be part of this life. She loves the money, the pleasantries, the feeling of leather on the back of her thighs as long as she is not wearing a skirt...and he opens her mind to new hindsights. Technology is not at its peak, but once it is, she’ll be happy to be part of this revolutionary stance.
“I am scared,” She admits, playing with his hands that rest on her abdomen and lord, how stupid it is that she wishes—for now—that Kihyun would hold a ring on his finger that would claim him as hers, even just a piece of him. She wants to be a bond to bound there, a connection that makes this feel more believable to her cousins. All the anxiety of being part of the famous world, as often as she gets compared to others, has only been heard by him. “They told me I had to come up with some drama between us this week. If not, they are just telling the world. I have no say in what comes next.”
“Fuck.” Kihyun breathes out, sitting up on the bed before turning to look at her. “Money is really out here to destroy humanity, isn’t it?”
She squints her eyes at that, staring ahead while lost in her thoughts. “I wish I could be stronger than money.”
“You are to me.” He says, pressing a fleeting kiss to her lips to get her back to reality. “Even if you want, you’ll never be quite as toxic and powerful as money.”
“You like money...and you like me, what’s the difference?”
Kihyun’s lips quirk up at that, bad in the good, looking like a dream, even when the golden lights of the hotel help him achieve that look. Or is it the love she feels for him? Though not unrequited, also not voiced out. “...It’s different, I don’t know how, but it is. I know you won’t kill me in the end, for one.” He tells her, pushing the covers off his body before extending his hands. “God, I wish...I wish we could do something.”
“You know, it would be amazing to pick up our bags and leave somewhere. Somewhere we can be...you know, young, like we have to be.” She pushes, sitting up with excitement on the bed. Her eyes are glistening, almost white, like the thirst for money is now craving freedom. “We’d be able to have all the facilities...but it would hurt them. It would remind my cousins and your upper businessmen that we are worth it, we are not some youth call for magazines to talk about. We aren’t based on predictions—”
Kihyun runs his fingers through his damp hair, the shower he took just a few minutes ago memory of how he was not alone in there, either. Something about him is complicated now, almost unreachable. “You want to run away?”
“Why not?” She asks, shrugging her shoulders with a soft smile on her face. “I want to feel like I am not a product to consume for once.”
“...It sounds insane.” Kihyun shakes his head, crossing his arms over his chest while deep in thought. “We have worked so hard to be part of corporations. Now we want to be freed from just that.”
“We are not as important as them, Kihyun!” She exclaims, an ironic smile on her features. Money, money, everyone wants it, to the point lust could never compare to power money has. It causes wars, fights, divorces, it leaves families alone and friendships asking for help. Money gives materialistic things, fakes to be your friend until it kills you. If the paper-money could smile, it would, all those dead figures of history giving their souls to immortality all in the name of money. Oh, what a fake pride, money speaks more than any mystical being could. “We will be trashed if...we give them time. It’s so scary, I have also given my life away for this.” Her breathing quickens at that. “We have so much money to spend, to save, to use to live...why don’t we show it ho much we don’t care about it?”
“We do care about it, though. It’s all we have known.” He argues with her, though softly, knowing that they were both raised in extremely wealthy families, counting paper from the moment they were children. “Leaving that behind is difficult. Once we run out of money, it’s over.”
“We just have to be mindful of it. Our life is not over if we just have a bit less.” She tells him, jumping a bit on the bed, mattress wiggling under her weight. “Imagine how beautiful it would be! We’d finally have heaven on Earth, we’ll be stronger than we have ever been!” She doesn’t realize power is speaking here, the strength of love and admiration for the person in front of her—the same one who could leave her side if only the fake news her cousins are planning do get out. They will if she doesn’t try. “You have said before that you would love to run away.”
“For a week or two, not my entire life.” Kihyun whispers, biting down on his bottom lip before clearing his throat. “Though, I’ll have to disappear from your life if your cousins go through with their plan.”
When nearing him, she opens the gates of heaven to him, resting her hands over his shoulders and searching for his face. After all, she wants him, but she doesn’t want to make him miserable just to make herself happy. “Hey...even if I leave, you don’t have to leave with me. I’m just saying...since we are both involved in this, we could leave for a while and live off our own money. Even...the company’s, but that is if we’re looking for revenge and being criminals.” She tries to make him laugh, a brief breathy chuckle released from his lips.
“Do you have a place in mine?”
“...I want to go big.” She replies, fluttering her eyelashes almost romantically. “But it’s up to you to follow me or not. Really, I won’t get mad.”
“I could try it out for a few weeks.” Kihyun answers, almost tranced by the idea of not caring of the world that surrounds him for a second. Egotistic, partially the benefits of being rich, the priviledge clouding all their judgement. “Let’s take a flight after this. Let’s leave.”
She gasps at that, almost a bit dramatically, but hearing that from Kihyun means business. It means certainty. “Are you serious? Are we really leaving?”
“For a bit. Just that. Let’s see how we do being irreponsible for once.” He replies, staring at her eyes for a second before grabbing her cheek and pinching it delicately. “If I try this, I want it to be with you.”
Money doesn’t matter, burn it all, if that means having Kihyun there for her.
What an atrocious mentality.
💔
It glistens under the lights of the night, passing through the windows of a taxi, yellow, bright, like the start of their first night finally being free. The previous one had consisted of sleeping, giggly after a late-night conversation, jet-lagged and confused as to where they stand, where they live, what they have done with nothing left behind, other than some of their material beings—parts of them that they can earn back. She has never felt quite as close to Kihyun as she is now, with his legs parted, dark and ripped jeans perfect for their night out, hand resting on top of her thigh, like he always has to make sure he is by her side. His face looks tranquil when she shows him her black credit card, almost at ease, because this is what they are used to: runaways and yet so fitting into the rich world.
Living with Kihyun seems to be easy now, like any demon has cleared the world for it to leave in peace, the upbeat tone of  Snoop Dogg song playing in the background, legs crossed over the other to showcase her pretty yellow dress, not snug but still loose enough for it to feel free. This is what they finally are, god, it’s such a beautiful word to say. Free, like birds. Free, like a song. Free, free, free.
“With this, we’re going to give Tommy a visit.” She speaks softly, tucking a strand of her hair behind her air just in time to have Kihyun laughing at her antics. “What? It’s our first night here...and we can spend our money whichever way we want. Let’s bu Carolina Herrera perfumes, and Tommy Hilfiger clothes. Let’s ask for a Ferrari and compete against my own company. Let’s—” Her fingertips wrap around his phone, the one that rests on his bag stupidly, big and blocky. “Let’s get rid of your brand. Nokia sounds about right, trendy even.”
Kihyun’s eyebrows quirk up at that, taking the card from her hands and she imagines him that he is going to say it is alright. After all, Kihyun lives for his own will and if she had been powerful enough to get him to agree to running away from their businesses without saying any word, now staying at another country, she feels like she can get him to spend some...thousands. “Or, we could actually think about what we are spending. Uh, less Nokia and—”
“You are just scared of using Nokia.”
“Are you down to driving a Ferrari?”
“I mean...the leather is terrible,” She answers, scrunching up her nose before laughing. “But we are here to make fun of our brands, labels, whatever has kept us back.” His chapped lips purse up at that, making her sigh when she interlocks their hands together, taking the one that rested on her thigh. They may be friends with benefits, but she is his friend over anything, she knows him better than she likes to admit. “Cheap leather isn’t going to stop me from feeling...like money doesn’t define me.”
“By using money?” Kihyun asks. “I don’t know...I am used to...you know, being a product. Whatever happens after I buy a Nokia will probably ruin my life.” He chuckles, finding amusing the spot he is in right now. “Nokia don’t have as good signal as we do.”
Trailing her eyes up and down his small nose, his perfect lips and his bright eyes, she feels like living this night up as the driver takes them to the best and most expensives stores for them to feel like they have forever to live. “The only person I care to call is you, though.”
“...Huh, you know I don’t like it when you become cheesy.” Kihyun mumbles, letting his fingers fix her hair before huffing against her lips. He wouldn’t kiss her, not here, not when they finally have each other completely. “So, you want us to buy Tommy Hilfiger clothes, get out of here with a Ferrari, use Nokia’s to call people...who we should not even be calling when we’re running away?” She nods her head.
“I’m here for a good time, not a smart one. I have plenty of those.”
“What’s next? We’re going to have Jay Z perform for us personally?”
“Not a bad idea,” She points out, wriggling her finger and laughing when she turns to look at the city lights. In such a city, they are so small, they do not matter all that much, much less do they belong to an elite that will put pressure over them. They are a duo, the high-budget but still endlessly uncomparable Bonnie and Clyde. No one cares about them here, much less do they care about their power. They are only more rich people in between the rich, a necklace in between diamonds, heels in between boots. What else could be better?
“Everything is so pretty here.” Kihyun says, pressing his back to her side when he leans forward, her gaze turning back to see the moving lights on his skin, all cause of the motion.
“Yeah...” What is more beautiful, the tall buildings, electric city-life, the bustle of the individuals walking and talking and enjoying music, or the man by her side, trusty enough to leave everything behind—at least momentarily, just for her—. “You really are beautiful.”
Kihyun’s eyes look down at that, inspecting her face before pressing his lips together. “Thank you.”
“I’ve been told I’m pretty good-looking myself.” There she is, seeking for a compliment out of the half-cold, half-warm man.
Lukewarm, yes, that is his word. Common just doesn’t do it for him, like he wants it all but none at the same time. Bubbling inside her body, like champagne of the richest sellers, is the love that could only explode all over the place if she let it. For now, she keeps it hidden...it’s all about enjoying the night, living as they wish. “...You are gorgeous, not only good looking.”
“I’m not even going to say thank you because I knew that.” She jokes, placing a kiss on the juncture of his neck, right above his yugular, smelling the Calvin Klein cologne—or is it Polo Sport?
Her body almost falls to the pavement once the car comes to a halt, Kihyun’s fingers hooking on the handle of the door to open it, catching her by the waist just before falling. “Alright, let’s start this night.”
She’ll remember this night ten years from now, twenty years after as well, when her card had glided across with such ease and such carelessness that she had felt stronger than the leashes that had kept her in place in the past. A palace, they created, in such a big decision of leaving, following the noise of the city and getting lost in the complexity of it all. His smile is palpable, picking up the biggest of coats, wearing it over his body in a fashionable way, taking too many rings to ever fit on their fingers and still, wearing them. Feeding the nostalgia with lollipop rings and hair bleach they promise to use sooner than later, matching terrible hairstyles if they dare and please.
That is the easiest part of the night, deepening when they really do live up to that promise of buying a Nokia and for some reason, she does acquire the red car that she would have never thought of having. Kihyun’s hands always gravitate towards her waist, but why does gravity exist when he makes her feel like she is flying? His breathing on her body adrenaline in its purest form, even more so when he is the driver of their new car, windows rolled down and the wind blowing on his already untamed hair, elbow resting on the door, his fingertips resting on his cheek while they speak. She can’t tear her gaze away from him, such a dream with music playing in the background, phenomenon after phenomenon making her happier.
“We could get used to this.” She tells him, getting a hum from him when she extends her legs, trying to ease the ache on them after walking for so long. “Don’t you agree?”
“This is the most fun I’ve had in awhile, yes.” Kihyun answers another question before quirking an eyebrow. “But I’m not sure if we can have fun forever.”
“Why not?!” She exclaims, jumping a bit on her seat before smiling. “We’ll fight against the world. Who even needs us in the capitalist world? We’re one of many.”
“We’re only fueling capitalism with this.” Kihyun tuts, her hand colliding against his thigh in a small smack.
“But we’re more than it.”
“How so?”
“Unlike other people, we’re having fun with money. We’re not competing, we are living.” His eyes gleam at that, sparing her a glance and then releasing a soft chuckle.
“We’ll try to make this last, then. Our forever, let’s call it.”
In moments like these, youth doesn’t know better, which is why she wraps her lips around the world romantically. “Yes, our forever.” She tells him, only to grasp on the skin of his thigh. “But we won’t last forever if I let you keep driving. You’re not that good”
“I got my driver’s license in a cereal box. Let me do my thing.” Kihyun replies, though she watches him get ready to park the car and give it to her.
The night is not even close to being finished to them, but they don’t have to think about the concept of time anymore...at least, not for now.
Not for their forever.
💔
The expanse of Kihyun’s body is all she feels, the bass of the song in the background a mix in between a club banger and one of those misfits in the music industry, that is not as scene-changing as the feeling of freedom she gets with him. He feels expensive, from the small protruding veins on his skin, mostly on his arms when she twirls around on his arms, her back pressed to his chest, arms wrapped around her waist, his smile pressed to her shoulder like when he is trying to hide his smile—he’s happy, she can tell, the millionare house they had invested in suddenly feeling cramped when his body is so close, the necklace around his neck digging in her nape, his sin in contact with hers by the deep neck of his button down.
Buying a house a week after their departure from their real life seemed like a step closer to normality, a freak show the more they enter their lives into this. Not a smoker, much less a junkie, she still feels tranced in this faux sense of reality they have created. The comfort of waking up to him is far too intoxicating, sharing books and ideas, thinking about the future in just enjoying it, not necessarily working for it. They are privileged, yes, she knows this fairly well but she’s taking the reigns of it. Kihyun’s marks around his face have smoothened, like he is much more tranquil. Sometimes, his smile first thing in the morning makes her feel like there is a moment now for them to fall in love.
Or they may be in love already.
Interlocking their fingers together, she swings while getting closer to him, bodies snug together like they never belonged to separate worlds. She tilts her head slightly, to the point their eyes connect just in time for her to send a remark his way. “It’s been a while since we’ve danced together.”
Bringing his bottle of beer up his lips, he takes a small swing before smiling. “I remember the first time I asked you to dance,” He tells her, placing the bottle down on the coffee table without letting go of her body, their bodies bending slightly, but his arms are once again around her waist, hands one in essence. “You were shy.”
“You’re just a good dancer. I thought: ‘So, this guy is giving me the time of the day and making me look like a fool while at it, interesting.’”
He hums, placing a kiss to her cheek just in time to heighten the feelings around her body. The dull Kihyun is fire in these moments, when he knows exactly what he is doing, like a seductive part of life—he’s the most exquisite of places and she wants to make him home. Money, fame, sex, it all matters less when Yoo Kihyun exists in this world. “You’re such a people-pleaser, you know exactly what to say and when.” He whispers before twisting her around and looking into her eyes, face flushed with a faint glow, a little bit of oils and that blush that she loves being part of. “That was so many years ago. Like three years? I was so nervous, too. You were such a badass.”
“Were?”
“Are, actually. You got me to run away from my world, convinced me in some way or another, and that’s impressive.” Kihyun tells her, bottom lip stuck in between his teeth when he bites down on it, hands making a trip out of her curves when he hugs her tightly, her own hands resting on his chest, seeking for his quickened heart.
“I’ve been having the best time of my life.” She confesses, all love confessions and adoration while Kihyun is much more silent in that sense. His body pulls away from hers, a small stop sign appearing on her heart when he reaches for his backpack, taking out his beloved camera before swinging it in the air softly.
“Let’s remember it. Come on, I want to take pictures of you.”
She chuckles at that, covering her face when he points his camera at her, taking a seat on the couch with his legs parted, looking way longer than they actually are. Something about him is more relaxed, as if she finally meets the real version of Kihyun—the one that doesn’t think so much about his future and just enjoys the now. “I look like a mess, Kihyun. Come on, don’t.” The idea of her mismatched satin bathrobe in a beige color and her purple pajamas in the same material being caught on camera is not so pleasing, but Kihyun shakes his head.
“Uncover your face. You look pretty. Besides, I want cute pictures of you.”
“Kihyun—”
“Please?” His eyebrows knit together at that, making her heart sing a lullaby to its left ventricle, pumping blood faster than she could ever imagine, heart picking up its pace. She sighs, dropping her bathrobe down her shoulders slightly, half-off and turning around, covering half of her face with a peace sign and her shoulder covering a small chunk of her face. “Wow, you can see so much of yourself in this picture.” His sarcasm is clear on his voice and she sighs, half-laughing at his words.
“Alright, I’ll drop my hand.” She rests her hands in front of her, looking into the camera and hearing the flash going off. “This reminds me of paparazzi.”
“Don’t compare me to those lifeless guys.” He adds, looking down at the camera and taking pictures as she gets closer to him. “They will rip the life out of anyone. They’re zombies, sort of.”
But the light of him, his life, is coming back to him. She realizes this when she takes a seat on his lap, grasping his face on her hands and feeling the camera rest in between their bodies. Before, they were too busy to say the things that are important...but now, in this secluded mansion, they have all the time in the world to make another friend fall in love. “They’ll never dull you, Kihyun. They won’t reach us here.” This power they swear they have blinded them to the world that lived out there, much more when his hands expand over her pajama bottoms, caressing the skin of her hips before leaning forward and capturing a kiss from her lips, like the flicker of a camera that catches her off guard.
His rosy and thin lips glide across hers, deepening the kiss when she runs her fingertips through the strands of black hair. “Thank you for lying to me.” She swears she hears him say, but she can’t quite make out the sentence because she leans forward to kiss him again. They want to feel alive, but every fire needs to be dulled down at some point before it burns it all.
💔
Each day, something new is born. An invention, a feeling, a person. Also, something dies—faith, for example, is the most often left behind sentiment. Currently, no one needs it...or so people claim. They only need to feel alive, they don’t need promises of a tomorrow or the day after that, or so she had thought in the past. She is relishing in the feeling of not having achy eyes in the early mornings, of having less coffee and more memories to cling into, of feeling like the owner of her world with no responsibilities whatsoever. She isn’t thinking straight, she calls herself out at times, but whenever she wakes up to the sight of Kihyun, she feels like she is not alone in this. Thus, not entirely lost, as well.
The morning for them includes slices of a vintage cake they had bought the previous night from a small business, the red and yellow colors brightening their day with the sweetness of the treet, paired up with lattes and the TV playing in the background. The counters are still squeaky clean, for she has more time to take care of cleaning now that she doesn’t have to worry about thousands of workers around the continent. For, it’s easy for her to rest her knees on the seat, elbows propped on the island in order to watch the block-like TV with more precision.
On the other end of the island, Kihyun seems to be far more stressed, though he does not move. His hand remains wrapped around the handle of his mug, hair thrown everywhere in his style, Adam’s apple bobbing up and down after swallowing harshly, eyes trained into the TV as well. She sees all the love and peacefulness leaving him the more they hear the news...because they are in them. Two socialites, two business-people, runaways of society that are apparently ‘missing’ according to this news outlet.
“The second victim goes by the name of Yoo Kihyun, co-owner of Jung’s Phone Company, who was last seen with his well known friend getting out of some hotel together. The family of the young man has been looking for him—” She reaches for the remote then, muting the screen in no time before standing up from her spot and staying in the way of the TV, earning a scowl from Kihyun almost immediately.
“Get away.”
“Kihyun, don’t listen to that. We’re—”
“We’re running away from our families, our friends, people that care about us! Don’t you hear that?!” Kihyun tells her loudly, something triggering inside him, frowning deeply when he scratches his head, rubbing his face soon after when wrinkles form on his forehead. “We have worried people. Whether you want to accept it or not, this is highly egotistical. I said a few weeks of this and it has gotten out of control.”
She lowers her shoulders at that, walking forward until she is standing on one end of the island while he is seated on the other. “Kihyun, this wasn’t only my decision. Rise and shine, sunshine, we have done this together.” She tells him, voice filled with pettiness as she crosses her arms over her chest. “We have been happy. Minutes ago you were happy, don’t paint me as the one that was egoistic.”
“I am not saying that.” Kihyun finishes, licking the corner of his mouth and trying to look over her sholder to see what the news is announcing. “Just—Let me look.”
“We can just call our families and tell them we’re here. I don’t see why you’re so bothered.”
“Because we have to go back, that’s it.” Kihyun says, taking a long gulp of his coffee, probably burning his tongue along the way. He hisses soon after, cause of the warmth of his drink. “You don’t get it? The police are involved in this. We have responsibilities and if we dare tell our families, just like that, that we are staying here  because we want to be irresponsible, we will be painted to the media like two slackers.”
What had gone wrong? She doesn’t know, the weapon of love is now held against her, perhaps a grenade or a gun, she is unsure. Everything he says just sounds so reasonable, yet like a stab to her back. Perhaps, he had not enjoyed himself quite as much as she did—maybe his forever is not ever going to be actually an union. “Is that what you think we have been doing? Slacking? Kihyun, we have lived—”
“Living life doesn’t mean ou get to avoid responsibilities.” Kihyun counterparts, making her chuckle sarcastically, parting her lips soon after to speak to him.
“Are you meaning to call me irresponsible?”
What a terrible poem, so distasteful in the mouth, to listen about their love story being destroyed by none other than the media. What they had avoided had reached them easily, as if the fire in beween them could always die down with water. “Let’s calm down.”
“No,” She answers. “I’m not dumb, I’m not numb. I know what I’m doing. Unlike you, I don’t care about a business if I’m going to be exploited by the media. Look how many celebrities don’t want to be part of this. We are rich, that doesn’t mean we are happy!”
“Which is why we should look for happiness in work!”
“Well, I thought I could seek happiness in you.” The wrongest decision she could have ever made, she realizes, because Kihyun was never a certainty, much less he meant the forever he was claming to ahve. A forever with different stand-points, knowing that they were never going to want the same thing for long periods of time. There is a reason why they always remained friends with benefits and never a couple they had become. “You know what? Make your fucking decision. I’ll be in the guest’s room when you sort yourself out. Unlike you, if I start something, I finish it.”
And for the entirety of the afternoon, the night, even the midnight, she expects to shed tears, to dry herself out of sadness...but she knows better than doing that. Yoo Kihyun was always a businessman, always the man in the back of every picture of socialites, too responsible to ever follow his heart...and she loved him for that.
It only so happened that he broke her heart with the main reason why she had fallen in love with him.
💔
They teach you money will save you, but it never does.
They never told her the peak of the morning is just as healing, that the moment in which the sun is too dark to shine to its fullest potential is when she will feel the most empowered. In the faint distance, she swears she can see outlines of birds, of planes, of the mix between nature and complete humanity. While seated on that couch, in and out of sleep, stuck in the guest’s room, she wonders what her road will look like. She wants freedom and she knows she wasn’t happy before, but she is not sure what will be her north, her passion, the reason she will wake up every day with the need to pull herself back up. That should never be another person, and for that Kihyun is right.
What Kihyun doesn’t remember is that they had always spoken about a moment like this, as well, that their future was always left for a later...and while trying to live a forever, they discovered nothings lasts a lifetime. For moments like these, she prays for time to go back, for the threads to be sewn back together to create a warm blanket to cover her in the middle of this coldness. She hears him around the house and part of her wishes he enters that guest room, he never does, the stars going up, going down, now merging into the morning after endless hours of being in and out of sleep, of snacking in whatever she finds in that room...of promising herself that this is a nightmare.
Why is it that each time she wakes up he is still leaving?
Part of her wished for him to leave silently, for her to be asleep when he closed the door a final time and left the town by plane, putting away every thought of unconditional love. But Kihyun is not this type of person, not necessarily career driven, but also not given to love entirely. Kihyun knows balance...and maybe that is something she should study, not letting go of the leash completely but also not keeping herself trapped. It’s difficult to do that when she had painted a love glistening in the dark, only to be left alone with a sun that would never shine quite as bright again.
She prays that sun does remember its beauty. She prays that this is the lowest point she can reach before lifting herself up again.
Hopeless she is when she hears the door opening and unlike her old mansion, it could have been a worker—a cleaner, her assistant, even her manager, but right now it could only be Kihyun. Her heartbeat slows down at that moment, because even after everything he is still her comfort, but it doesn’t relax her to hear the rolling of wheels in his luggage, his voice getting clearer when he utters her name out.
It breaks her because she has heard her name being called thousands of ways, but never quite like this, like this is the sweetest of goodbyes. Bittersweet, she’d call it. She brings her knees up her chest, looking out the window and staring at the city, still lighted down, and she can’t even bring herself to look at him when he takes the seat beside her in that couch, his eyes trained on her.
“I knew you’d leave,” She whispers, trying to keep her voice levelled though it’s extremel difficult to do so, closing her eyes to stop the headache that comes with a bad night of sleep. Maybe, she is hurting, as well. Is she losing a friend, apart from a lover? “I should have known, any day and everyday, that I was delusional for thinking we had a future. Much less one like this.”
“I’m doing it for me.” He tells her, trying to look into her eyes, but she keeps them closed. She knows she’ll ask him to stay if she looks into his eyes. The stars are falling down, but the sun is not going up. This is the first and last time he breaks her heart. “I have responsibilities, baby. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t say you’re sorry—”
“But I am.”
“I know, but don’t say it.” She opens her eyes, looking out the window and letting out a soft sigh. She presses her fingers to her temples, catching the attention of Kihyun.
“Do you want me to get you an aspirin?”
“No.” Though, she misses the usual ‘thank you’ she would have said otherwise. “If you’re going to leave, just leave now.”
The feeling of his clothes rustling against the sofa is heard around the room, too loud to be bearable, his body bringing itself up until his lips hover over her temple, trying to kiss it but she pulls away from him, as if electricity goes through them. Her body protects itself with her arms wrapped around it, shaking her head just in time to hear him say: “I’m sorry, I love you. I mean it, I really love you.”
Some people never prepare you for the better-off goodbyes, and she knows she would never have been ready for the silence that continued soon after, because she was unable to tell Kihyun what she really felt. She loved him, endlessly, more than the zeroes in her bank account, more than a house could ever cost, more than any contract she ever signed. He probably knew this, he’s intelligent, but she never got to say it...much less when Kihyun whispers his goodbyes and leaves with that damned rolling of wheels against the tiles, all coming from his luggage.
One of those planes in the sky will welcome the man that broke her heart and once he gets back, he’ll tell her cousins where she is. That, however, couldn’t hurt as much as a broken romance that comes with the realization that enjoyment can only last so long before it becomes an addiction.
Still, there is love in the darkness of the sun...and she’ll find it beneath herself. In some place in this new town, she’ll find a new business to construct, a name to be remembered once she finishes. Smiles will make their way back to her, tomorrow or the day after that. Quick, it will heal her, she proclaims.
Faster than Kihyun leaving her, though she wishes him well.
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nelllraiser · 3 years
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chains and grace | adam & nell
TIMING: october 30th, the full moon, just before sunset. LOCATION: the trees near dark score lake. PARTIES: @walker-journal & @nelllraiser​ SUMMARY: adam and nell prepare themselves for their first full moon as werewolves.  CONTENTS: medical blood (sacrificial fingerstick prick)
Fallen leaves rustled under Adam’s feet, forming a carpet of brilliant oranges and yellows while subtler strings of red and browning rot. The waning afternoon sun forged the forest canopy in halcyon golds. The shadows of the sun-silhouetted branches played across Adam’s face as he affixed more chains to the trunk of the stoutest tree he could find. Adam had no idea how strong he’d be on the first transformation, but he wasn’t taking any chances. 
Kaden may’ve not wanted to kill him, but Adam had more than a few former coworkers with aim that’d put an army Ranger sniper to shame and fewer qualms about pulling the trigger. Thus a remote location and strong bonds were preferable here. 
Adam ‘I love fine ass and incendiary rounds’ Walker realized that there might just be a certain ironic justice in him worrying about trigger happy paramilitary. 
“How’s yours going,” Adam asked his dance partner for this lunar stakeout.
 If Nell hadn’t been treating this evening as a sort of funeral for life as she knew it, the autumnal palette of the trees paired with the steadily setting sun and the company of Adam would have made for a wholly enjoyable setting. As it were, the somber feelings she’d been trying to avoid ever since being bitten by the werewolf were quickly encroaching, refusing to be shoved away in these last moments, effectively ruining any hope for a happy or peaceful outing. 
“I’m going for a nice cat’s cradle look,” Nell answered, still managing to refuse the dread in her stomach access to her sense of sarcasm, even if the joke fell flatter than it normally would have. “I thought it’d be a nice last ‘screw you’ to the wolf part of the situation.” The chains alone were enough to cause her anxiety to prickle uncomfortably, not exactly a fan of imprisonment ever since she’d been trapped beneath the Ring. “What about you?” She looked to Adam as she reversed the question, posing it both as an attempt to get a read on his tree to chain ratio, as well as how he might be handling the situation as a whole.
“Kind of just going for restraint over style here,” Adam noted as he strained his way through some of the last preparations, the muscles of his neck and upper arms wiry the fallen Hunter leveraged one foot against the tree he was trying to bind chains around. “Y’know”, Adam posited, leaning back far enough to look at Nell upside-down he continued to heave at the chain into place around a huge super maple while pushing against the bark with a leg. “I’d hoped when we were going to start tying each other up it’d be…”
This particular train of thought was interrupted by a rasping click as the last chain link slid past the main knot into tautness. Adam stumbled backward, taking off guard by the unexpected success and tripping over a root. 
“Guess what I mean is,” Adam amended, changing his tone and just decided to own the mishap by sitting up with his back against the chained tree. “We still don’t have to do this together if you don't want to,” he prevaricated carefully. “When we first change we’ll have no control, and I honestly dunno if like...we might end up hurting each other with the chains? I dunno.” 
The truth of why he thought Nell might not want him here on the night she lost her magic had little to do with safety, but Adam wanted to give her an easier out here if she wanted it. 
In the end Nell would most likely be banking on the power of her magic when it came to the hardness of her chains. Physical knot tying wasn’t a practical skill she’d been taught when the same end could be achieved with a simple spell. Still- she sat back on her heels to take a look at her handiwork, head tilting to the side to gain a new perspective that didn’t actually provide any other insights. Sparing Adam a flicker of amusement both at his words and momentary fumble, she dusted her hands on the sides of her pants restless now that she didn’t have the chains to preoccupy them. “Never say never. Maybe it could be a treat for making it through the first full moon.”
Maybe Nell had misjudged where that sentiment was going, though. Was Adam having second thoughts? “Why wouldn’t I want to? Do you not want to? Do this together, I mean.” Nell generally gravitated towards having what she perceived as moments of weakness by her lonesome, preferring not to have audiences for the times she felt most vulnerable. But in a break from tradition— she’d been grateful to not have to do this alone. There was nothing more she could do for the chains, and she let her own back slide down the trunk of her tree before settling onto the ground. “I thought werewolves don’t usually go after each other.” Or was there a different reason he might want to change their plan, and go his own way.
Adam sat on leaves at the foot of his chained tree, glancing up at the boughs swaying above him in the canopy overhead before looking back to Penelope. He drew a knee up and laid an arm across it, flexing his fingers and ignoring the whisper of imagination that visualized claws tearing their way out of them. 
“I’m down to do this together,” he assured carefully, pushing images of shredding skin and distending ribs out of his brain. “I just...I dunno.” 
“Feel you are losing a lot more than me here,” the fallen Hunter pointed out softly, “thought you might want me not being here when… y’know.” 
“Oh-” was Nell’s unintentional filibuster of a reply, unsure if she wanted to open the floodgates concerning that particular can of worms. For the most part she’d been avoiding it, preoccupying herself with learning as much as she could get her hands on when it came to Bloody Mary, the mysterious sands, and Adam’s own disappearing abilities. The looming loss of her powers left her feeling as if there were a black hole deep within her stomach, and if the witch so much as stood still for a single moment to spare it a thought— it would pull her in, dragging her under like a similar hole had threatened to do when Bea had been killed. “I just...you know when Bea died?” she began, not entirely certain how to express herself. “And sometime afterwards you let me come over- and it was nice. I don’t know-” she backtracked self-consciously. After all, sharing emotions in person was not one of her stronger suits. “I guess maybe I thought it’d be nice again or something- if you were here.” As for what there was to lose... “Do I? I mean I know your abilities are gone right now, but I’m sure whatever strength and senses that come from being a werewolf won’t be the same as what you had, right? And- well- I can’t imagine it’s all that comforting to become something you were trained to kill.” Dark brown eyes that appeared nearly black in the fading light of the setting sun rose to find Adam’s while she finished.
Adam nodded as Nell alluded to when he’d broke down and they were together. While some fraternity mates had given him knowing nod the morning after the truth was….more vulnerable than that. Adam’d played along with lascivious implication because it was easier to let play it off as just another fuck-romp then admit he’d been falling to pieces. “I’m glad you’re here Nell,” he said with steady directness. “No matter what happens.” 
“I’m more ...worried that I am trained to kill and I kinna get lost in it,” Adam admitted. He was past the point of pretending that he wasn’t an adrenaline junkie who got a rush when his family had warned he should only feel dutiful dispassion when dispatching the enemies of mankind. “Part of me can’t get enough and it made me good at what I do for all the wrong reasons,” confessed one who might’ve become a very different man if he hadn’t been born into a Hunter family that stressed moral utilitarianism and military discipline rather than bloodsport. “I tried not to let that control me but uh…”
“Guess what I’m trying to say is that if I’m this fucked up as a human,” Adam tried again, “what is wolf-me going to be like?”
“I’m glad you’re here, too,” Nell answered with her own unwavering certainty, a gentler smile granting itself to Adam. It was softer- calmer than her usual confident grins and smirks, though just as sincere. “Whatever happens I’m glad we can do it together.”
The mention of her magic had reminded Nell of the flower seeds she’d brought along with her, hoping to create one last thing with her gifts before she had to say goodbye to them. Not yet retrieving them from her pocket, she began to draw a circle in the dirt between their two trees, a single finger paving the way of runes and sigils as it trailed along the forest floor. 
Her spellwork paused as she listened, looking up with a slight frown as he shared. “I don’t think you’re fucked up,” she said reflexively, never enjoying those she cared about speaking of themselves in such a way. “I think we’re just...doing the best with what we’ve got, you know?” But she knew it went beyond that. There was no denying that werewolves had a natural bloodthirst about them the closer it was to the full moon, and it made sense that Adam might dread what result that would garner when paired with a desire that was already present. “Well that’s why we’ve got each other, right?” she asked, referring to the unofficial pact they’d made to check on one another when it came to questionable deeds. “To make sure...we’re still the people we want to be. I won’t let it happen-” Her voice was strong, Nell’s sheer determination peeking through. “If getting lost to that isn’t what you want- if it seems like you’re getting close...we can figure out how to pull you back. And I think at the end of the day the fact that you don’t want to become that says more about you than liking the rush of a kill says. Intentions are more powerful than people give them credit for,” she ended, somewhat aware that her words bordered on lines of witch-hippy speak, but also knowing it to be true after a lifetime of powering her magic with just that.
“Thanks Nell,” Adam managed with a thick swallow, wanting to echo her sentiment but feeling guilt for being the impetitus of this whole situation. Seeing Penelope perform this last swan song of a spell just hit it home that he’d fucked up the life of yet another of his friends. 
Ma’al had suggested another way right? Service to Hell for being a Hunter again? 
But ..Nell was losing her powers for the sake of saving his life. If Adam was really considering taking on the mark and swearing himself to the Hells, shouldn’t it be to restore her powers, not his?
“Nell uh.” Adam swallowed, feeling the horrible tension of this last option in his chest as the sky gained streaks of livid violents and yellows in the countdown till sundown. 
“If I could make a deal to save your powers...even if it might mean doing something morally uh, not so great.” That admittedly was probably an understatement given what Ma’al true form actually was, but Adam didn’t want to foist that on Nell’s conscience. “Would you take it?”
He felt real shitty dropping this on Penelope as they were trying to resign themselves to their fate. But if he could offer her a chance to keep this part of herself...wasn’t even becoming Ma’al’s new pet wolf worth it? 
“I’ll do it if you need me too,” Adam assured, suddenly thankful for the tree’s unyielding support against his back. 
Nell’s face had been turned towards the sun as it continued to sink lower, half-convinced she could see every single millimeter disappear behind the horizon as it went. It felt as if it were some great celestial clock counting down the minutes she had left with her magic, and the moments left until she’d lose a piece of herself that was as much as part of her as an arm or leg. Then as Adam called her attention back, she sat back on her heels next to her tiny circle, satisfied with the work she’d done. “A deal?” she echoed first, not entirely certain what he’d meant by it. Her reflexive gut reaction was a quick reply of “Don’t do that.”
The little indent between her eyes furrowed as Nell tried to truly process what it was Adam was offering, and potentially at the expense of himself. “Listen-” she began carefully, hoping she’d somehow manage to find the right words. “When I came to help you- Sure- I didn’t know that it’d result in losing my magic. But well- the thing is-” She paused on the precipice of her words, still not quite used to bearing herself openly though she was getting used to it with Adam. “I’d still do it knowing what I know now.” Though her magic was the biggest price she could think to pay, there was one thing that she knew would demand an even larger toll, and it was losing someone she cared for as much as she did for the hunter before her. “And if it’s morally questionable- and I just got done telling you I’d help keep you from that…I wanna keep that promise to you.” There was a pause before she continued on. “I don’t know what I am without my magic,” she admitted with a hitch in her voice, “but I know it’s not a person that wants to have a hand in something that might hurt you.” This time she leaned forward to place a tentative hand on top of Adam’s. “But thank you.” She wasn’t sure how else to show that the gravity of his offer hadn’t been lost on her.
She glanced back at her circle, finally taking the daffodil seeds from her pocket. “Do you wanna help me?” she asked with a nod towards the magic runes, deciding that if they were going to have this transformation together- why shouldn’t they do this together as well? 
Adam wasn’t going to force anything on another person, but Nell’s decision still made his teeth grit down. Guilt and the trainwreck he’d brought his friends’ lives seemed to line his gut with lead. 
Morgan had told Adam something about what it was like to wield magic and lose it. Adam couldn’t really relate to be able to feel the universe coursing through him, that meld his pure intent with quantum fields, or beckon beings across universes through sheer desire. In truth, Adam was a pretty physical guy who was content with the simpler animal pleasures of life. 
Sure, he knew a lot more about other dimensions and otherworldly beings than people might expect from his test scores, but Adam's soldiering upbringing had viewed the multiverse as a dark and pitiless infinity full of eldritch predators and malevolent alien gods. 
Not exactly something you want to “embrace.” 
He wanted to be there for Nell, to be a pillar for her while she went through this loss like Morgan's girlfriend had been. But Adam worried that he couldn’t relate enough to how Penelope experienced the world to be who she needed him to be. When Nell had said earlier that intentions were powerful, the cold utilitarianism of ‘threats’, ‘tactical priorities’, and ‘strategic objectives’ that Adam was brought up in almost led him to say something dismissive before he stopped himself. 
It was that impulse Adam feared. Ideological baggage doesn’t just disappear. That bullshit stays with you, lodged deep in your brain stem somewhere, jumping out whenever you were scared or uncomfortable. Like when you were about to literally split out of your own skin and become something hunted by your own people. 
As just a random example. 
Adam got up and dusted off the leaves from his jeans and walked over to Nell. He took a knee by the arcane diagram. “So uh...we need to chant ominously in Latin or…?” 
Despite the heaviness of the air surrounding them, Nell cracked the beginnings of a smile while Adam posed his question, reminded of the time they’d worked on the demon amulet in her greenhouse. “I think I can carry the chanting part and make it just ominous enough.” Tearing open the seed packet with her teeth to sprinkle them over the center of the circle, she felt her the ache of her loss rise to meet her as she reached for her magic for the last time that mattered. “Remember when I said emotions can make magic stronger? Like the wolpertingers at my birthday party?” she asked. “They help fuel it and make it more powerful if you focus on them. And then it’s almost like you can just pour them into the spell. Just letting them leave you to create something new that isn’t exactly them.” Nell couldn’t help but feel that no amount of the dread and premature mourning for her abilities she put into the spell would be enough to chip away at them, but at least she could use them to form something that would live past that loss. “It’s like free magical therapy,” she tried to joke, though her hands wavered as she passed them over the seeds. “So if you just focus on what you’re feeling, and let them go into the spell- you’ll be helping too.” 
Nell reached forwards to lightly clasp Adam’s wrists in her hands, trying to guide his palms to the center of the circle where the seeds lay before resting them atop the soil. Pulling a hidden fingerstick out of a bobby pin from her hair that was kept for situations such as these, she looked at it for a moment too long— realizing there’d be no need for it after tonight. How many more things like this would she find after her magic was gone? Like little knives hiding around her life to slip between her ribs when she least expected it. Shaking the thought away she pricked the tip of Adam’s finger, letting the droplets of blood wet the dirt. Then she did the same to herself before covering the hunter’s hands with her own, the Latin falling from her as the blood mixed. She let every emotion she’d been forcing down for the past month painfully bubble up inside her until it felt like she might burst before letting it spill over into the magic. Slowly but surely, green shoots began to sprout through the cracks of their fingers, the stalks reaching towards the setting sun as new life was born, already desperate to survive. Nell could have gone further- taken the plants to completion and let them bloom. Instead she let the magic end after the daffodils had grown a few inches above the ground, wanting them to find their own way in a new world just as Nell and Adam would have to do in the coming days. 
“Well- that’s it, I guess,” Nell said shakily. It was over. “Chain time now?” she asked as casually as she could, tilting her head back towards their respective trees.
Adam looked up at a sky the color of blue slate, crisscrossed by the lines of cirrus clouds that’d had been lit up in a conflagration of deep carmine by the setting sun. The branches of the forest’s canopy stretched across the sky panoramy like arms through up against the crepular glare, the autumnal reds and oranges of their leaves transmuted into titian gold by the last sunlight passing through them. 
But shadows deepened in this last fading flare, lengthening from the trunks of trees, gnarled masses of roots, and undersides of the softly swaying branches. The leafy carpet of the forest floor darkened until the conjured daffodils seemed defiant against the gloom in their lush newborn yellow, basking in the last dappled rays. 
Adam glanced from the blood lingering on his finger to the daffodils that’d blossomed in the span of seconds. It occurred to him that...in a way...these flowers had come from him and Nell, there was a tiny part of him in those stems and blooms. “Woah Nell, like...that's amazing,” he breathed, not sure why this small last act of fertility should get so much more of a reaction then the crazier stuff he’d seen Nell do on the battlefield. 
Maybe this was part of what Morgan had meant about the universe becoming a part of you?
A cold dismissive part of Adam reminded himself that he wasn’t thoughtful or smart and he shouldn’t be doing galaxy-brain bullshit about some fucking flowers. It was the same remorseless inner voice that’d always reminded Adam that orders were orders, he needed to focus on the mission not the distractions. 
The boyish sense of wonder snapped off like a light switch. Even in his last minutes of humanity, the bone-deep conditioning still put blinders on Adam’s selfhood. 
“Yeah we need to get ready,” Adam rose to his feet again. He hesitated a moment, wondering if he should hug Nell, say something that he more felt for her then knew. 
Adam’s lips parted as he searched for words for a moment, but they closed as he swallowed down his own sense of guilt and failures as a man. He’d tried to meet Nell’s eyes, but quickly averted his own gaze and started busying himself with the chains, affixing heavy iron locks to his wrists. 
Nell mirrored his hesitation after they’d stood, knowing she wanted something in that moment— but uncertain how to act on it. But tonight they didn’t have time to find the words or motions, seemingly already a prisoner to the rising moon and setting sun despite the shift having not yet happened. The last grain of sand had fallen through their hourglass, and now they had to face the inevitable. This wasn’t the end— not really. But no matter how many times Nell tried to tell herself such, she couldn’t get the words to stick. Things were changing after tonight whether she liked it or not, doors closing and opening. Some were clear cut and well-defined like the loss of her magic, others were shrouded in darkness, unable to be found in the gloom of uncertainty that was where they went from here. The rooms the doors were closing on were the ends of many a thing she wasn’t wanting to relinquish, and even if she lived to see the sunrise it wouldn’t be what it was before.
At least Nell wouldn’t have to do it alone. This was the only good she could think of that was coming of tonight as she glanced over to Adam once more, still trying to find what it was she wanted to say. Instead she focused on shackling herself, locking the cold metal around her wrists in a way that was little too reminiscent of her prisoner days in the Ring. Ignoring the shiver that went down her spine, she decided this was her last chance to say something and did her best. “This is gonna sound shitty- and I don’t mean it like that but...if I was gonna get bit I’m glad it’s with you.” It wasn’t perfect, but it’d have to do. 
The last ray of light blinked out of existence in those last moments, and Nell waited- not knowing in the least how to prepare for what was coming, going forth into the darkness with the realization that at least she had one, tiny lantern in the form of the guy who’d stumbled into the Ring looking for a demon amulet all those months ago. She didn’t know how they’d gotten here, but even now she wouldn’t change it, somehow grateful in these last moments for it. Nell waited until the pinks and purples of the sky stopped reflecting against the new glass of the lake, waited for what felt like hours but couldn’t have been more than mere seconds. Waited until she heard the first cricket begin its song, and there wasn’t a scrap of light left in the sky. But there was nothing. Her hands were still her hands, her feet still encased in the sneakers she’d worn, and her magic…
Nell reached for it once again, a half-laugh, half-cry of relief breaking from her lips as she realized that one in a million had come to fruition. The full moon had come, and she was still here, human and magic and everything she’d been before. Instantly she tried to crane her head towards Adam’s direction, struggling to get far enough away from the tree to see him clearly in the new darkness. “Adam?” she asked carefully, unsure whether she’d get words or a wolfish snarl in response. She repeated his name more insistently. “Adam? Are you there?”
Adam felt the moon in his blood. The air felt heavy around him, as the tidal pull of the moon was ripping at his body. Energic pressure seemed to press down on Adam. His heartbeat hammered in his temples. 
Nell said something to him. Where was he?
Red tinged thoughts flooded into Adam’s head, a visceral longing that quickened his breath and brought up goosebumps of frisson along his skin. 
He needed to snap Nell’s neck, to hold her close as she went still and cold. 
It’d make him strong again. Whole again. 
The Hunter’s Moon whispered in Adam’s veins like wine seeping deep into his bloodstream. 
But Adam looked down at his hands and saw only human fingers. 
The fuck? Why’d he feel this way...the moon...what was going on?
“Yeah I’m here.”
Nell muttered a spell to unlock the metal around her wrists, a wave of relief once tumbling through her as Adam voiced his confirmation. “You’re okay? You’re human?” she asked again, as if she could hardly believe it. And why should she? Kaden had said their odds were one in a million and here they were— apparently two in one million. “You’re sure?” Another breathless laugh found her as she marveled at their luck. “We fucking did it,” she said before stepping forwards to unlock Adam’s own shackles, even though they’d had no hand in deciding their fates when it came to turning into werewovles or not. Gone was the hesitation she’d felt before they’d locked themselves to the tree, rushing forwards to throw herself into Adam for a hug as elation made quick work of any previous uncertainties.
Adam looked at the places on his wrist that Nell had unlocked the shackles from. There were no signs of struggle. He hadn’t just wolfed and out blacked out. His clothes weren’t shredded and Nell was elated. 
What happened? Had his mutation differentiated into those of a Beast Hunter after that encounter with the wolves, granting him immunity? But if that was the case how had Nell not contracted it? 
Adam took Nell into his arms, just content with the reassuring presence of it as his brain still tried to go through the stages of shock, acceptance, and relief. He tried to banish that ingrained Hunter paranoia and just enjoy being alive and human with Nell. “Yeah, we made it,” Adam affirmed back to her in a murmur as he held Penelope close. 
The moon burned like molten silver in the sky, seeming to briefly ripple into deep crimson in Adam’s vision like a heat mirage. He could feel Nell’s heartbeat against his chest. Even as he craved Nell’s touch to reassure him that this was real, that they were really going to make it, a small savage thought slithered into Adam’s mind. 
What would it be like to feel that heartbeat stop?
Somehow Adam knew...without knowing how...that it’d make him strong, vital, ecstatically alive.
He pushed the thought away, hoping it was just some lingering trace of lycanthropy in his bloodstream reacting to the full moon.
Yeah, must be. 
His embrace tightened around Penelope, content to just hold her close and just ...be..for a little while, enjoying this unexpected act of mercy from the universe.
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jackarychaoti · 3 years
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Two Knights, Tonight. (Pt. 2)
Weeks had gone by when Jackary had turned to Darnath in the Emerald Dream and confessed that he needed to wake up and go see the real Darnath, that he had felt as if he had missed something and needed to check on him. It was in that moment of waking up that Jack realized just how awful it all was. Two years, no link, no feeling, no sensation. His comm was dead and even when he got it working, the system didn’t register - he had even slipped into headquarters but nothing was the same... Darnath’s trackers, his old ones before the updates, of course didn’t register, leaving Jackary stranded. That was then. 
This was now. 
Dicenne had somehow convinced Jack to get some sleep, swearing up and down he would wake Jackary up within a few hours and after a bit of reluctance,  the dragon finally agreed. Within the Dream, his eyes opened slowly, going from a world of darkness and terror to the softest morning ray of sunlight caressing through his fluttering lashes. Like awakening from a nightmare only to find the warmth and security of your bed. Such a sensation brought a small exhale of relief and yet it was still disturbing. He knew he hadn’t found what he was looking for. Yet.
Herah and Alin where busily working in other parts of the forest, Mavas was working in the glade, and Rick was cleaning up the house. They had all done really well, getting as much of the nightmare that had rushed through their home cleaned and purified again. They were all growing bigger now. Stronger, like mini aspects inside the dream world Jack had forged and Darnath worked to ever expand into somewhere worth staying. At least that's what he had been doing. 
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Now he had more leisure... well 'time' didn't exist, but hobbies did. It could almost have been one of the early days. The warmth of sunlight filling the gentle calm of the room. This time Dar had picked up sketching, sitting not far from the dragon's resting form as he drew up a picture  of each little scale and muscle that made up the sleeping dragon's curled cat like lounge. Belly up, legs akimbo, totally relaxed. Though that may not be the way he was laying just now...  "Morning sleepy head... Or welcome back?" He shifted over to the bed to be closer and smiled. "Not going to complain about you waking up early... but you know you're welcome to nap as long as you like, right?"
The peridot hues shifted slowly and the moment he saw Darnath's faces be it dream or not, a pang of hurt swelled in his chest. The tears that again threatened were blinked away and a hand cupped his own mouth, silencing any noise of discomfort. He'd really messed up and what had been heaven felt like some sort of cruel joke. 
"I can't find you." Jack finally admitted, muffled into his palm before both hands raised to rub at his eyes firmly and in frustration. "I can't feel the link, the comms aren't functional, I can't fucking find you... I just keep looking and it's just like when I lost--..." he paused,  wracking his brain for the name. It had already begun, the slow erasure. "... Karasu." Scourge attacks, missing mate in Icecrown, it was the same hellish nightmare repeating itself.  He was so confused,  hurt and unsure  of himself anymore. "I feel like... there, you don't want to be found. I would be mad at me, too... for being gone so long."
Darnath furrowed his brow at the sudden explosion of emotions and quickly put his sketches down. He trilled his tongue, the soft coo of a comforting parental dragon to help Jack relax. "Baby... Karasu was very precious to you. A phoenix, no? There's a book here with a few memories of him in it..." He started there, because that seemed most likely to be lost in the upset. "Are you mad at yourself?" He reached over, combing fingers through his hair and remaining calm, collected, everything Jack was assuming the real Darnath wasn't. "You wouldn't be pushing yourself into riskier and riskier situations in desperate hope your knight in shining armor will do as he always does and magically just know that you're in trouble would you? Even if you are, I know you're definitely not, accepting that as punishment when he doesn't show up."  
"I'm furious at myself." Admitting it was difficult but Jack sniffled, trying his best to remain calm and quiet so as not to let the borders of the little grove shrink and let the nightmare back in. "I have been so careful in not getting into trouble as best I can, I have been working with others but it's hell, Moonlight. The Scourge are everywhere and..." Jack trailed off slightly, for Darnath had a point. What if he just... set off one of the trackers in his body? Would Dar have come searching the way Jack had been for weeks? Combing Azeroth and making deals with demons while trying his best to remain out of trouble... it was enough to push his palms to his eyes firmly. 
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 "Maybe it is just punishment. I deserve it,  I left him hanging because I was scared. I tried to focus on guarding something I thought he loved and I..." Trailing off, Jack's tongue pushed outward to lick his lips slowly. "I can't even feel the bond anymore. Like he simply got rid of it.  Even if I was in trouble, he wouldn't know."
Darnath’s chest swelled with a deep breath in and out. Not quite a sigh, but definitely a bit upset for his dragon's sake. "I warned him this would happen. Baby..." He turned to show his Dragonsworn mark towards him, glowing now for how hard the dragon must have been calling to his mate. "I'm holding your bond for now. That's why you cannot sense each other. It was the only way to keep your grove stable enough for you to stay here so long. It keeps me stable, even if you're awake." 
The knight thought for a moment before he gently pulled Jack's head and shoulders into his lap to better pet and cuddle him. Soon. Very soon. He'd have to give up the bond that was keeping his strength. "More importantly, I think punishing yourself when you don't know how he feels is... at least a bit premature. Perhaps I have a harder time grasping. I'm right here. I'm always here for you. I can't imagine not being... but you need him."
Eyes peered over to the mark, the glow left a small igniting glow in his own eyes from the resonating power of seeing just where his calling went. Furrowing, Jackary allowed himself to be moved, finding comfort in the connection and touch. The news was something that slightly alarmed the dragon, the fact that the dream version of his partner seemed to know what was going on but he didn’t. 
“What?” Confusion remained in his voice but he frowned, ears raised in curiosity. “What do you mean you warned him this would happen? Why do you have the bond?” Had Darnath come into the dream while Jack was unaware? If so, then... When? Why didn’t he stay? Why didn’t he come speak to him? “I do need him, but... I’m confused.”
"I'm still me. Still, him. You asked him to stay once, long ago and so... I never left and helped you build a life in here... Maybe too well. He... I think he came to take you back, but he saw us together, the whelps playing, and felt you were happier here. He may have also felt a bit inadequate. Or had too many memories of seeing you hurting to take you from a place that made you smile."
The comments and facts that Darnath were giving him caused the dragon to close his eyes slowly. “Did he really always think that he didn’t make me happy?” No, it was beyond that, it was the fact that Darnath did what he thought would keep Jack happy and safe, a place where there was constant smiles. Jack should have been more clear, more up front with Dar and that was starting to show.  “Can you feel him at all, or no?” It was a long shot but something that he needed to know.    
"I have always worried about trying to make you happy.  And safe. ...but I do remember feeling like you were never quite happy with me back... then." He was stalling. "Yes, I can feel him. ...He doesn't feel like himself though. Some kind of fractured rage stands in the way of really getting a feel for him. But I felt him strongest just before the nightmare wave washed through here. So whatever you were doing then, you were on the right path." And then, he knew better.. he really did. He knew the answers now, same as he knew Dar's answer when he asked him to stay too, "You know, nothing is stopping you from staying... I know a dream isn't perfect, but as long as I'm here that's proof he loves you. That I love you." 
Being told he had been on the right path, Jack’s eyes closed again thoughtfully.  He was somehow on the right track and thus meant he needed to return to Icecrown as soon as he woke up. But then the Dream Darnath spoke words that twisted something inside of him and it felt like a pang of guilt that flooded over him. He could have stayed here with this version, cozy and adored, and yet... 
“People are dying out there right now, Moonlight. I am trying to help them as we speak and I... I need to apologize to him... To you.” Those eyes opened again to look up at Darnath, his hands raised just enough to grasp onto the Knight’s in order to squeeze them. “He deserves it, he deserves to hear it and know how I feel...” His head titled then, nuzzling at the other’s lap gently. “You both deserve that.”
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"Yeeeah, I figured. You've been pretty hung up on that guy since he first went looking for you when you were in danger." He laced their fingers together and loomed over him with a sweet smile. "Carried you all the way from Shattrath to Eversong. ...And then never really let go. Even when you tried to push him away. Or locked away your thoughts so much, your jaw might as well have been tense and shut." Now he was teasing him. Much more like their usual banter, but this time it had a point. Trying to remind him without words what Dar might be feeling. "Be careful. I don't know where it comes from, but he's holding on to some heavy nose punching energy. Make sure to dodge."
"He broke it once before and in truth I deserve it. But I love him, and my life without him in something I don't want to imagine. I never tell him but he makes everything better and I feel safe when he is close to me. I clung hard that day because I realized it and I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life, or as long as he would allow me with him." Lips tugged into a small smile and without even realizing it, the tears fell from the corners of his eyes. "Did you know I still carry my vows to him in my pocket? Words I never said, in the same envelope as a love letter I wrote to him years ago that I've always been too shy to give. Words he deserved and deserves to know." Drawing in a deep inhale, a breathless laughter puffed out. "I'm such a fool."
"Maybe. But you're my foolish dragon, Baby. You've always held your words hidden against your chest." He smirked at him. "Are you planning on changing that? More than deserves and shoulds..." he paused to think over his words and purred a moment to keep them both calm. He would disappear again soon. Jack would wake up. "You're always so focused on the past. The last two years. The people you left behind, but even before that. You first came in here comparing this to Karasu. ...Yet your dreams are always striving for the future. Apologize for the past, but while you're looking, maybe think over what you want the future to look like too. Dare to dream my emerald."
“Now you’re sounding like dad...” Jack whispered, but Darnath had a point. He was always so caught up in the past that he hadn’t even looked towards the future or thought about what he wanted outside of apologizing for something he couldn’t change. He needed to change, starting with moving forward. His fangs hooked his lower lip, biting and chewing in thought and yet when those bright peridots looked back up at Darnath, he seemed unsure, almost frightened to admit what he wanted. 
“I want a life with him in it, I want to make up for what I did wrong and open up... As you say, more then deserves and shoulds and if that’s not in my cards for the future, then... I don’t know. Move forward.” His ear flicked slightly the moment a faint chime was heard in the distance of a familiar bell but he chose to ignore it a moment, clinging harder to Dar’s hands to keep himself steady. “I have to find you first.”
Jack...
Dar curled up close, shielding him from the sound. He knew he shouldn't cling, but he wasn't done... they were still talking... don't go... "Shoulds and Deserves are an improvement over what if's and never knows at least, but maybe there's more? A life... a future... maybe." Though he had to wonder if the dragon moved on, what was left for a forgotten dream? "Go find him. Go find the real thing, Baby. Whatever that ends up being." 
Jackary...
The jingle again rang out but all Jack could do was ignore it in favour of reaching up to cling to Darnath, pulling him down slightly in the odd angle. Claws latched on, clinging to this version, almost scared to face the uncertainty that faced him in the real world. Here he was loved, he was safe and warm and out there, he was unsure. Here, Darnath still loved him and he had already done the apologizing but that was what made it so much harder to let go. "I will try my hardest..."
Wake up. It’s time to go.
Eyes snapped open as the soft colours of the dream were replaced with the cold darkness of early dawn, the pain returned to his body as a reminder of the hell he was living in. Looking up to see who was talking to him, Dicenne greeted him with a small smile, glad to see the dragon pull through from the slumber he had been in. The warmth of the Dream was gone, replaced with the cold harness of the ground he’d fallen onto, having rolled off Dice at some point in the night.
“I told you, I’d wake you up.”
A promise kept and after a lingering moment, Jack exhaled slowly and began to stretch his limbs, the tension really just his shedding scales that almost instantly peeled like sleeves, in full sheets of hardening green. The beautiful, bright and new scales below shimmered, even if some were already damaged by the Scourge. He knew where he had to go.
“I have to go back to Icecrown... Something is happening.”
| - @darnath​ - |
Mentions: | - @dicenne​ - |
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Aus 24, 25 or 50 with human!(or not so)Jim and someone else please 🙃
(24) Soulmate AU + (50) Arranged Marriage
(I was going to try to fit in the fairytale au as well, but it ended up not working out)
(also this wasn’t exactly supposed to become A Thing, but then it did 😉) 
.
Aja Tarron, eldest daughter of House Tarron and heiress to the Akiridion Empire, has always known what many do not; who her soulmate is.  Almost everyone goes through many years of their life before finding the one their soul is bonded to.  She has known the identity of hers for as long as she can remember.
As she and many scholars, researchers, and theorists understand it, soulmates are born at the exact same second as each other, regardless of distance.  Of course, this can create some conflicts once one takes into account such things as time zones on a single planet and the varying orbits between different planets in the Empire.  Many, many calculations generally have to go into figuring out what the exact same second is in two wildly differing locations, such as Akiridion-5 and the independent planet, Earth, for example.
History is painted with the stories of those who believed they were soulmates only to find that they got it wrong and their Bonded One is actually someone else.  Aja has been through numerous lessons where her educators have made it abundantly clear they consider her extremely fortunate that she, unlike all those unlucky historical figures, can be certain.
It makes Aja grumpy, but she’s too polite to show it.
Most of Akiridion society, the society Aja is hardly allowed to interact with, disregards the concept nowadays.  To have the funding to hire the specialists needed to properly research potential soulmate candidates tends to be nonexistent for most.  They would have to cover the costs of calculating the exact moment on different planets, finding the records of all the infants born right then in an astronomically high number of hospitals, and then travel between the different worlds.
Most commoners do not have that kind of resources or time available to them.  They’re allowed to settle for someone significantly closer in proximity to them, who they just happen to get along well with.
Aja is not.  She is lucky.  Supposedly.
Almost eighteen years ago (or the equivalent of eighteen years depending on where you are), Aja was born.  Her parents, being royalty and highly concerned about their eldest child’s future, began to search for her soulmate soon after.  They, unlike so many, had the means necessary to track down her Bonded One.  Aja’s parents were determined to find them, to secure Aja’s future and the future of her empire.  If her soulmate happened to be a commoner, they decreed, that child would be taken and raised, and educated, in the palace.  Thus, they’d be prepared to support Aja fully once she takes the throne.
A part of Aja wonders what would have happened if her soulmate had, in fact, turned out to be a commoner.  Would it be better than what it is?  Would she have been able to actually have a life if it were someone who’d potentially need to visit non-royal family members and perchance take her with them?
Thinking of the hypotheticals is useless, she knows.  Her soulmate isn’t a commoner.  Though, considering the vast differences between his realm and hers, he may as well be.  Aja’s soulmate, Prince James, firstborn of House Lake and House Galadrigal, whose union brought a new era of peace to the planet Earth, is someone so different from herself she’d questioned the accuracy of her parents’ findings numerous times.  Each time, the results came back the same.  She was wrong; they were right.
Upon their coming of age, she and Prince James were to be united in marriage.  The arrangement had been made soon after their parents discovered their connection.  It made sense.  Aja’s parents had not hidden their desire to add Earth, rich in minerals and crystals that could be imbued with magic, to the Empire.  They would have conquered the mud ball by now if Earth’s dominant species, the trolls and the humans, hadn’t gotten over their own conflicts, united, and created a formidable defense force.
Aja knows her upcoming wedding is the peacefully agreed upon solution to what could have otherwise turned into an all-out invasion war.  That doesn’t mean she had to like it.
Sure, Jim is kind and courteous.  There are far worse royal candidates out there for potential husbands.  Others would have turned up their noses at his hybrid appearance, but not Aja.  She thinks Jim handsome enough.  The problem isn’t him.  It is that she’s never been allowed to choose him.
..
Jim doesn’t want to get married.  He really, really doesn’t want to get married.  He understands that he has to get married, but that doesn’t mean he wants to.  His betrothed, Aja, is a nice enough person and, yes, he considers her very pretty.  Attraction is there.  The problem isn’t Aja herself.  It’s the fact that she represents an entire empire that’s made it clear they would conquer his home world numerous times.  And, the only reason they haven’t is the (arguably flimsy) reasoning that he is soulmates with their heiress and that would be poor form.
It means his future has always been laid out for him.  He can’t run from it or deny it.  To do so would mean condemning the people of his planet to a slaughter and, no matter his own, personal feelings on his marriage, that is one thing Jim cannot do.
He feels weighed downed, burdened.  He refuses to hold Aja responsible for the arrangement.  He won’t.  A secret conversation they once had revealed she had just as much choice in the matter as he did.  Aja, just like him, wants the ability to choose, the ability to live her life how she wants to instead of how she’s supposed to.
Jim wonders sometimes about that similarity between them, if it’s the reason they’re soulmates.  In theory, there will come a time when they do have the power to choose.  When they are on their respective thrones and are the most powerful in their realms.  Who would be able to stop them from making the choices they want to make then?
He knows how each of their respective governments work.  He’s had numerous lessons on the subject throughout his life.  He knows things are not that simple.  But.
Once upon a time, it was believed that peace between the trolls and the humans of Earth was an impossible pipe dream.  Then, his parents forged a path and unified their peoples.  He is the living embodiment of that union, of the truth of its possibility.  Could something similar truly not happen between himself and Aja?
Jim knows her Empire’s might is much stronger than his planet’s, but she’s listened to him in the past.  He’s not just a pawn to her.  Perhaps together they could create a future better, brighter, than their present.
It’s the hope he holds onto, because otherwise he’s not sure how he’s going to live his life with Aja.  Jim believes himself capable of loving her, of falling in love with her.  But, for that to happen, then she must see him as an equal, not solely as an acquisition.
So, deep into the night before they are to be wed, he pens a letter.  Written in it are all his hopes and fears for the future.  The absolute truth of what Jim feels.  He disguises himself as an attendant and sneaks through the royal halls until he comes to the doors of Aja’s suite.  He knocks.  When she answers and recognizes him, he shushes her gasp and holds out his letter.  Jim waits while she reads it through to the questions at the end;
Will you join me in changing the galaxy?  Trying to make things better so no future persons find themselves in the situation we’re in?
Will you choose to be my soulmate?
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jakkwrites · 4 years
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Marked
First fic of the blog is gonna be my first Fallen Hero fic! Contains some spoilers for Retribution. TW: Needles
"09."    You look up as the door opens, stomach churning and hands clammy. Andrelina stands there, in the doorway.    "Y-Yes, miss?" You manage to make eye contact, heart somewhere in your throat.    She told you to wait in your room for her, told you there was something important you had to do today. You shuddered to think of what sort of test they might run on you today. You hope, at least, that there are less needles involved. They're your least favorite, but not by much. Everything the scientists do to you tend to be more awful than not.    "It's time," Andrelina beckons, holding the door open.    You nod, swallowing hard as you get to your feet and follow her out. The tile in the hall is identical to that in your room, right down to the temperature. Your toes curl at the cold and you wince, but say nothing. You wish, sometimes, that you were allowed shoes like the doctors and scientists wear - though maybe not the ones with heels like the redhead wears. Or for the floor to be warmer. Either way, Andrelina will not care what you have to say. Well... Most of the time, anyway.    "What are we doing today?" you find the courage to ask. She's usually willing to tell you that much, unless she's in a bad mood.    "Your tattoos. Dr. Adus says it's time."    Your heart sinks, a lump forming in your throat. You've heard mixed stories about the tattoos - some of the others have had them done painlessly, others not so much. And with Dr. Adus being, well, himself... You don't expect this to go pleasantly.    You chew on your lip a little, "Does it... hurt?"    "I wouldn't know. I've never had them."    Your shoulders sag; you're certain Andrelina knows. She's probably accompanied many Re-Genes to this procedure. She just doesn't want to tell you, or doesn't think it's worth the effort explaining. And it's not like you really deserve to know, anyway.    The redhead comes to a stop at a set of elevators and presses the button. You fidget with your clothes - the dull grey uniform is rough and itchy, and barely fits properly, but you can't complain. You're barely allowed existence - what right would you have to complain about the clothes they gave you?    The elevator dings when it arrives and Andrelina gestures for you to enter. You do, sidling into the corner. She follows, tapping her ID card on the screen and pressing the button for the third floor. You wonder - not for the first time - how many floors this place has. How far up does the elevator go? How long will it be until you get to leave and see the world beyond? You hope it'll be sooner rather than later, you'd love to get out of tests and experiments just for a little while.    The elevator comes to a stop all too soon. The door opens once again, dinging.    For a split second, you have the urge to hit another button on the screen. To go higher, to the top, maybe, and out. But the urge passes quickly - rationality reminds you that you don't have an ID card, and thus the elevator wouldn't obey your command. Not to mention, Andrelina is right there.    You exit the elevator, the lump in your throat getting harder to ignore. Andrelina is practically on your heels as the pair of you head down the corridor. Your hands tremble and you clasp them together in front of yourself, trying to control it better.    "In here."    You glance at the door you've just arrived at, pulse picking up. When you next emerge, there's no way anyone will mistake you for a person. Unless they could only see your face. As you reach to open it, you wonder briefly what color your tattoos might be. You've seen a lot of variety.    Dr. Adus sits at a desk in the room beyond, opposite the door. You step inside, a greeting dying somewhere in your throat at the sight of the chair next to him. It looks like it might be comfortable, with its tall back and long seat - it's so long it looks as though you're supposed to rest your legs on one end. The only thing that's really off-putting about it is the open leather straps all over it. You freeze in your tracks, heart starting to race - they're not going to tie you down for this, right?!    "The restraints are only if needed." A gentle hand - so gentle - on your shoulder prompts you to look up at Andrelina. She rarely touches you so softly. No one does, for that matter. She lightly pushes you further into the room, nearly on your heels. When she releases you, it's to step around you and stand near the wall on the opposite side of the chair.    "Took you long enough," Dr. Adus gives you a look, as if it's your fault you weren't here sooner, before returning his attention to the instruments on the desk. "Strip down and take a seat."    You swallow hard, certain you misheard. "S-Sorry?"    He looks at you again, eyes narrow. "Take off your clothes and sit down," he repeats firmly.    You glance at Andrelina, who nods ever so slightly. You bite your lip but do as you're told, pulling off your pants and shirt. Goosebumps form on your skin as the cold settles in even worse than before. When you look up, shivering, Dr. Adus is staring at you with a strange look in his eyes, his gaze roving over your mostly bare form. You have the distinct feeling that he isn't looking at the bar code on your chest.    You approach hesitantly, perching on the very edge of the chair. You don't like the way he's looking at you, keeping your eyes on the floor.    You shudder when he grips your shoulder, pushing you against the back of the chair. You look up, eyes wide with terror.    "She said the restraints are only if necessary." His tone is as cold as the room. "Now, hold out your arm and stay still." He gestures towards the armrest.    You stretch out your arm, eyeing the strap warily. Dr. Adus turns back to his desk once more, picking up... something. When he returns his attention to you, you're able to get a good look at it. It's got a large needle on one end, with what seems to be some sort of small tank attached to it. Your mouth goes dry at the sight of the needle, stomach twisting, trying not to think about how much worse it's going to be than a normal needle. He holds it almost like a pen, hovering over your arm, just a little bit past your elbow. He doesn't even give you any warning before starting.    The needle pierces your skin, a sharp pain drawing forth a cry that you don't get the chance to hold back, instinctively pulling away. Your arm stings badly, your heart starting to race.    This is going to hurt a lot.    Dr. Adus roughly grabs your wrist and puts your arm back where it was. "Don't. Move."    You mumble an apology, gripping the armrest tightly with your other hand as he resumes.    You barely hold back another cry, the shaking worsening. Tears form in your eyes as the pain intensifies briefly but thankfully plateauing at a mostly manageable level.    "Sure looked terrified when you two came in," he glances towards Andrelina.    "Yes," she sighs. You can't see her expression, too focused on holding still and not screaming, but you have the feeling she looks annoyed. Or disappointed. "She's going to be reprogrammed tomorrow. Again."    Reprogrammed again. Locked up in that awful machine, and for what? To feel empty and numb and wrong for a few days, a week or two at most, only to go back to your old, anxious self. And have to be reprogrammed again. You aren't supposed to remember the sessions. Or feel so much. But you do, and they don't like that.    The pain stops. You look down at your arm to find orange lines crawling their way up your forearm, just a little past your elbow. You wipe away your tears with your other hand, bracing yourself for the next round.    "Lean back," he orders.    You do, settling on the chair properly, bringing your legs up onto the lower part, the cool leather of the backrest sending a chill up your spine. He shifts closer, and you look away. You don't want to watch this. It never helps.    The area he's working in now must be far more sensitive. The pain spikes and you scream, actually scream, and jerk away, unable to help yourself. It's just too much to handle. You hunch over, clutching at your arm.    "09!" he snaps. "What part of 'hold still' do you not understand?"    "I-I'm sorry!" A panicked sob escapes you. "I-It hurts, I'm so s-sorry!"    "Just restrain her. We haven't got all day for this," Andrelina speaks over you. You feel her hands on you again, but they are far from gentle. No, this time they are rough, shoving you back against the chair, holding you there while Dr. Adus straps you down.    "P-Please!" You cry, struggling, but he's already got one wrist bound. You know, deep down, there's no point in fighting. There's two of them, they're both stronger than you, and it's only going to make things worse. But what are you supposed to do? You can't stand just sitting here and letting them have their way with you. Neither of them even acknowledge your pleas. Soon, you are totally restrained, now unable to move at all. Your chest and throat are tight, tighter than the straps are. Tears spill down your cheeks, shoulders quivering with silent sobs.    "If you'd just listened, you wouldn't have to deal with this." He shakes his head, frustrated. He picks up the needle-pen-thing and brings his chair closer to you. You tense in your bonds as he rests the tip of it on your arm again, just barely, lingering a moment so he can watch you squirm in discomfort.    You jerk against the straps when the pain returns for the third time, whimpering. Dr. Adus doesn't even glance at you, continuing his work. You turn your head to stare at the wall; it's better not to watch. Not by much, though. You wonder how long this is going to take. How long will he keep you here, trapped like this? And... If it hurts this badly on your arms alone... You shudder to think of how bad it'll be on more sensitive areas of your body. You shut your eyes tightly, the tears never ceasing, resigning yourself to what is bound to be a very long day.
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shions-heart · 5 years
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Magic in the Being Human AU
@akaashisstar​ asked me to write a more in-depth explanation of the Infinite Bond in my Being Human ‘verse, and I’ve been meaning to make a post about it, but I thought I’d go ahead and explain how magic works as a whole, as well.
Bits and pieces have been revealed throughout the series, but I know some of you have only read Origins, or have only read The Awakening, etc. so I’ll explain everything here. :)
There’s a difference between “demon” magic, and witch magic. I put “demon” in quotations because the demons of this ‘verse aren’t the demons of Judeo-Christian origin. There exists in this AU a multitude of dimensions existing parallel to the “official” dimension that is “our” world, where our volleyball children live. Most of them have harsh environments with creatures that are violent and would sooner kill and eat you than sit down for tea. Humans, even those with magic, would be hard pressed to survive in them, thus they are designated as “Hell” dimensions, as in trying to live in them would be “hell.”
“Demons” are such creatures that live in these dimensions and have evolved through the magical influence of their dimensions to have sentience and intelligence beyond a regular beast. The higher the “Class” of demon, the more intelligent and powerful they are, though the numbers are in ascending order (kinda confusing). In Hinokoku, Malikra is a Class 1 demon, so he is one of the most powerful and intelligent beings in these Hell dimensions. Imps are around a Class 8 or 9, not very powerful, very low intelligence, etc. Then there are various creatures that serve the higher class demons, such as Hell Hounds (Class 3 or 4), which can shape-shift into humanoid form to suit their masters’ needs, and pleasure demons (Class 4 or 5), which are created through the magic of Class 1 or 2 demons. (Malikra created Kenma from his magic, which is explained in Tides Turning, so while Kenma can’t wield magic, he is a magical being that can shape-shift and be sustained off magical and sexual energy, etc. since that’s how he was specifically created)
(point of reference: I borrow heavily from DnD and Mob Psycho 100 for my inspiration in all of this)
this is getting long, so i’ll continue under the cut
All humans in the volleyball children dimension have an aura which is energy that manifests from their soul. Basically, life energy. The first witches discovered through meditation and different rituals that they could “tap into” their auras and use that energy to manipulate their surroundings. The stronger the aura, the more energy could be used. Once the energy has been depleted, the witch must have a full nights’ rest for the energy to store back up. One can also draw their own energy in small amounts to then store it while it’s being replenished so one has “extra” on hand. Think of it like the energy is water from a faucet filling up a bucket, and you can take water as it’s running to fill up a second bucket (or a third, fourth, fifth, etc). There’s no “maximum” amount of water you can store, but there is a minimum you can hit. i.e. if you use too much water and all your buckets are empty, you are depleted until the running water refills your first bucket at least 1/3 of the way.
The more energy (water) that’s stored, or the less energy (water) used for the spell, the longer the magic (water) can be used. And for someone like Bokuto in Tides Turning, a small amount of energy was basically injected directly into his DNA while he was a fetus, so that’s why magic works differently for him, and he can resist the effects of some spells/magic, as the energy is not just in his aura but his physical body as well (and though that bit can never be maximized, it can’t be depleted either, so even if he runs out of water, there’s always a small amount left he can use). 
(I hope that makes sense!!)
Spells were created to help witches concentrate their energy/magic on the task they want to complete. This was taught down generations. (Demons don’t have to use spells, because they are beings evolved from magic, so it’s an intrinsic part of them, and they can will their energy to do whatever they want. Witches can be taught to will their energy without spells, but it’s very difficult because one stray thought or desire can cause the energy to misfire somehow.)
The strength of one’s aura can be hereditary, which is why The House of the White Rose values magical purity and encourages its members to marry only fellow “pureblood” witches. If one has a weak aura, it’s very difficult or even impossible to wield its energy as magic, so to marry a simple human or a witch of mixed blood can cause the aura to weaken. Magic can be “taken away” from a witch by placing a magical “block” around the receptors in the brain that can “tap into” the energy.
ANYWAY, now to Kat’s original question which is “how does the Infinite Bond work??”
so I go a little more in-depth with this in Igniting Fires, when Iwaizumi and Oikawa cast the Infinite Bond spell in Chapter 2. Here’s a quote from that scene:
“The Infinite Bond is a complicated spell, one that takes years to master, and undoing it is just as difficult, possibly even deadly. It binds the auras of two people together, making it so one can’t go more than a few dozen miles away without them both feeling debilitating nausea, and if either of the two are in distress, the other can feel it and pinpoint the location of their partner. It’s said that the Bond knits the two souls together, and while the connection doesn’t work exactly like telepathy, it’s one that grows stronger the longer it holds and the closer the two are to one another, to the point where one can know intimately what the other is feeling at all times.”
It’s described during the scene as two tendrils of golden energy extending out from Iwaizumi’s chest and Oikawa’s chest, meeting in the middle and curling around each other as they continue forward, until Oikawa’s energy enters Iwaizumi’s chest, and Iwaizumi’s energy enters Oikawa’s while wrapped around each other. They continue to burrow into each chest, still coiling around and around, until the spell is completed. Then, the light from the energy fades but doesn’t retreat. So, essentially, there is a string of Oikawa’s aura tangled with Iwaizumi’s, and vice versa, and it’s still there, physically connecting them (that’s why they can’t go too far from each other without adverse side effects, because the strings will stretch too thin). That’s also why it’s described in Igniting Fires as a warm ball in the chest, with the faintest beat like a second heart, since they’re basically feeling the other’s life through the string.
Through this connection, Iwaizumi can tap into Oikawa’s emotions, and vice versa. They longer they’re connected, the easier it is, until they can send and receive emotions and check in with each other’s emotions as effortlessly as breathing. It’s not a completely open channel. One of them has to essentially open the door to feel it and can close the door if they don’t want to feel it, but the door becomes thinner and thinner as the connection continues until even if it is closed, they’d be able to feel at least traces of the other’s emotions. Also, the stronger the emotion, the more it bleeds through the connection, so if one is having a particularly strong emotion the door might not need to be opened at all for the other to feel it, depending on how thin it is.
It’s the same for Semi and Shirabu! Starting out, they’re not as close as Oikawa and Iwaizumi, obviously (as IwaOi was already established and they’d been a couple for years before bonding), so that’s why they didn’t necessarily feel any different once the spell was complete. But as the years go by, the connection will strengthen and the door will grow thinner. I’m pretty sure Semi opens the door to Shirabu much more often than Shirabu does to Semi (he kind of has to since the White Swan Coven Council used the Infinite Bond spell as a way for Semi to keep track of Shirabu’s emotional state and intervene if he feels Shirabu’s in danger of exploding), but the option is available to Shirabu if he wants to know what Semi’s feeling.
Kat also wanted to know what it was like in A Many Splendored Thing for Shirabu while Semi and Tendou were having sex, and I’m guessing that extends to how Semi felt while Shirabu was with Goshiki. ;P
I’ll explore this more in The Awakening sequel, but for Shirabu, he didn’t feel anything when Semi and Tendou were together for their first time, since that takes place only a couple months after they all move in together and Shirabu was on a demon hunting mission while it was taking place. He would’ve been focused on the fight in that instance. I also don’t think, going forward, he would invade Semi’s privacy like that when he knows he’s with Tendou.
Semi, though, I think he would check in with Shirabu while he’s with Goshiki, just to sort of touch base and make sure everything’s okay. Shirabu and Goshiki didn’t have sex until Goshiki’s 20th birthday, a full year and change after they moved in together, so the door would’ve thinned out some, too. I think he would’ve opened it just a crack to make sure Shirabu was good and comfortable with the situation before closing it to give them privacy. 
Pleasure isn’t an emotion, so they wouldn’t feel each other having sex ahaha. If they checked in during the act they’d probably just feel the love the person has for their partner. I don’t know if they’ll ever open that door while having sex with each other; I’m pretty sure that’d overwhelm them ahaha but . . . it’s not out of the realm of possibility for them to try, I suppose~
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